[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I grew, he's not, I grew up, he's like, but I spent like 30% of my life in like primarily black communities and he's starting a podcast with a black dude who grew up in the hood and now lives with white people and they talk race relations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, horses. This is gonna be wild. When does this start? That's what I told my horse. Anything you need, let me know. I need to have this, dude. Dude, this is nuts. The podcast network is, dude, I'm like Lucius Lyon, bro. I'm just, I have a whole family now that our podcast starts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, my, I mean I just operate from a totally open source network, dude. I told you my whole mission now is to start a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that sucks. Dude, that's somebody's wit. I saw some dudes walking down, I saw two punks, like, walking down the street today and they get hit. We're all 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, no, no, they were like dressed in all black with like Assassin's Creed hood on and like patchwork, patches all over them and like tight black denim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a kind of a like punkish and they looked at each other and nodded and I was just kind of like, what the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of you may have noticed the episode yesterday was pulled and shelved onto the Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta be honest, a lot of people are blaming Shane for being compromised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to live a double life. That's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Jesus, I had my moment in the garden, I went, I prayed on it, and ultimately I've accepted my fate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I was the one living a double life. Although I do like social work school, it's pretty fun. I do like reading the stuff. I like getting guys who come out of jail housing. I enjoy that kind of stuff, but at the same time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't let chain fall on the sword. On this rusty blade of shame. It's mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never do it again. God damn it, I'll never do it again. Son of a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. Well, either way, at least you guys know the truth. And, uh, yeaah, we'll see. If I get booted from school, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I signed some things saying like, I'd be an mmm good boy. If I take me to an mmm good boy court. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I end up going to your boy court, just know the cast will live on forever, no matter what. Let's release this motherfucking cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get in there, let me see you. There we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you cut panties with a steak knife? I'd fucking eat them, dude. If it was a Drexel student, I would put them on a plate and cut them off, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would literally, if those treadmills collected sweat, I would pay to fucking sip, dude, from their fountains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousand a month? Thousand a month, bro. What did Rogi say? We can delete the Patreon, dude. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Quit the podcast. What did Rogi say about it? He goes, that means a thousand bucks. Are they even running a notice? It's like wow. Rogi said that? When you're licking up that Soros money, dude, what's a fucking thousand bucks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect credit. Apparently too, his chest is as big as Arnold's, Arnold's prime. In his prime. In his prime. You got the clip? Yeah, I got it. Funny side note.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that a dick's like, registering in her like, encyclopedia of dicks she's seen is being like, this is the fattest head. Dude, that is a fucking fat head. And it's just a porn star being it's shorts, probably like seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you spent all of her weight on him, she's getting seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. And it's a fucking, it was probably, it was probably just Confuser. You hit someone with such a short bell end dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like a huge racial crime conspiracy. So what did Terrence Howard do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrence, well Terrence Howard, he came out and so he just said like, look, you know, we support him. And then there's other people coming from CNN being like, if you are, it's like, if you are, if you did set this up, come clean. We want you to know you can come clean. It's like, dude, what kind of weird fucking cryptic shit is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the two days before Kamala Harris passed an anti-lynching pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smalla gets attacked, Smalla gets the fucking, gets the noose. He got the noose, he got the fucking pseudo noose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What had, what had happened was, he actually, he had nothing to do with this. He needed to get in shape for an upcoming music video. I didn't know he was like an actual music, like he like is a musician too. And he plays a musician. Okay. So he's, he is living a weird double life. Which is a total like weird make-believe life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I- I said to him, like, if he's innocent, this thing is- My whole thing too, even if he did it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To think like, even if you did it in a vacuum, just Jussie Smollett is like, I need more money. Fuck this. Think about this. Who else would do that? You think just Jussie Smollett would fake some crazy shit like that? Just take your average dude, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Epstein, they tried not to prosecute him. So you know, Epstein, Epstein got a deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is sick dude. He got in, he got back to Miralago and was like, I don't fucking like this shit at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, cause I watch it, the news is just like a complete chaotic scramble. I think we're being completely propagandized from all sides. See, here's the thing though, I don't think it's- But even to be like, he's not down with it, there's no fucking way that dude, that dude came up ripping people off. But again, a very long time ago- Yea, but they all do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching a thing the other day how they did, how it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, so, I've been researching economic theory, dude. I'm all about it. And they're talking about Adam Smith and how like they were like, alright, we need like the market is just a self-correcting engine, we'll be fine, we just need like enough people to like, if enough people go out of employment, you know, everything will level out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then the dude Keynes came by and he's like, dude, you're a fucking fool. We gotta inject a bunch of money in the country. And that started to work too, cause we had like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 15%, we had like, it was like 13 million people were unemployed at one point, like I think the 50s or 40s or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you got a G, like, and like, you were like, someone's gonna come and do this, you'd be like, ah, dude, I get a G a fucking month, dude, I don't wanna fuck up. Oh, wow. Then you go away, and you don't make any money, and you just lose your G for like five years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I'm, I'm, dude, I think we're going full UBI. Like, I think it's, anything else is just like, we're fucking pitter pattering in the meantime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he allowed to use it? He passed that bill whenever he first got in. You can seize people's assets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have tons of money. My thing is if they want to shut down the drug ward, they could do that like tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wondering like, dude, how much fun are they having? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super pesos. Like rent. They would like cover your rent and food. Yeah. Well that's sick. In Spain they have those like Mario coin boxes where like ten times you hit them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just thinking, I was thinking about this today how spades is like an intellectual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and no one went after them for, uh, for True Detective, or not True Detective, for, um, Young Pope. Young Pope, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's the weirdest company. They're just kinda like, we print the Bible, and like old ladies just give us money because like we're all about the Bible. Yeah, yeah. And like their base is being like eroded pretty hard. Cause it's just all old ladies and like no young person is giving five bucks a month for the Bible system. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a son of a- Who's the other- No, Eric Trump. Who's the other kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people are dying at a, uh, apparently at like a faster rate than any other rate. I think it's white dudes. Yeah, I mean. It's just like a weird, we hit a weird thing where they're, they don't know if it's from like the opioid or drinking, but it's like literally, it's like, it's like almost like an epidemic level. The white man dying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's another- no, there's a- there's like a super- There's a level of- of hipster that's kinda like, oh, fuck. Inspirational Instagram level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so, I've lost my thought. So yea, so there was, I wonder, cause I used to like throw fireworks at people's, like we would like light fireworks and ring their doorbell and run away. We used to do piss buckets where you'd piss in a bucket. I mean, dude, there was no man when we were kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You gotta, at times, you gotta get those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I figured it was, the Rothschilds or someone like, did the maps and all that shit. Either that's real, or that's propaganda from another source, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you're, but if you're Jeff Bezos, and like, even with him, after he got caught cheating, he, like, the Washington Post ran like three pieces of like, what was Trump's role in Jeff Bezos's, that literally there's a story about this, and it's like, that's, that's propagandizing. That's a guy who owns a newspaper and is fully putting his land on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a good episode. It's two dips, dude. Two dip episode. My thing is to think about how like, so now it's, I would say the overwhelming consensus in popular culture is if you like start like even trying to guess around like, yeah, you know, there's more, you know, there's some like, there's some shady shit going on in terms of government.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, so you're telling that our sexuality is split off of our body from getting a full rub down including the back of your thighs, your back, your buttocks rubbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Castigated down to such a low rung of class that it's like, the chances are they're shooting up and shit and it's like, it's also hell on a chick's psyche to be a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that is like, in terms of all the romantic quests, that's probably the greatest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's mild. It's kind of like you walk up and they're just like, ah, alright, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's why I see you like that all day long. I don't know, probably Metallica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the video of her in a bathtub where she shot that, like, milk commercial. Mam's got a fat fucking ass, bro. I don't think that's a mam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, so if I was just saying this, I would be like, I would let my chick get like her dung caught in my TMZ and be like, alright babe chill, that's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's weird too. Al, you're like, I thought this too. I'm like, yea, it is kind of turning around, but also that could just be the media sphere that I'm in where I'm like, yea, it's turning around. In the meantime, 50% of countries, like, it's, they're not thinking that at all. So we're just two ships passing in the night just being propagandized into oblivion. I mean, most people don't give a fuck. No one does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, I can't, my body rejects that, like, sleep cycle. I was on it for a while. Yeah, it's not good. I'm not fucking happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought about this. No dude. I thought about it and it's like, there are, there is still the society role of a comedian. Just a man who's out in the world and is literally a comedian, but it's also been the venture of being a comedian has been commercialized. For sure. There's two different things. There's two different things. Yeaah. Like you're a dark comedic fucking figure dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both, we both are. But it's like, now it's like there's a whole other thing in comedy that's been like industrialized and it's like comedy doesn't go to the depths of the depths anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see Gucci came under fire? They had those, uh, did you like the scarfs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I d- I doubt the blood- If you go to like the Midwest- Go to Sweden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be alright. I was wondering about that too. I'm like, cause I guess in like America though, they could probably still touch you, but I don't know dude. I don't see a bunch of blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they did have fake IDs, he's definitely innocent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, I think, fuck it, I forget who was telling me this. They would like, open a door, they went to visit his house, and they would like, open a door, and there would just be like, a young lady, in a room, and be like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All went south. I mean, to be honest, and this is like a pretty hacky take, but if we got ignition out of that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Winner didn't really get sucked. I don't think MJ was much of a giver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were a boy. Yeah, those kids were like obsessed with MJ. They had like Michael Jackson posters. And then he was like, hey, come hang out. They were like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would've got, yeah, Holtz. I would've got like Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what would have been great? I was telling him this. When you were up here introducing that video, I was like, dude, I wish we had the footage of that time you got catfished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, you know what sucks about, uh, doing a live podcast? What? Like you don't have a closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, he hit the vape. That's legal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's crazy to see the shaman. We talked on the phone earlier. We're like, this is probably the most dynamic possible combo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, uhm, so I do a live podcast segment that, uh, you basically get a choice to either answer a question on current topics or have me read you, uh, some mythology. And afterwards, I'll Venmo you 10 bucks for participation. How's that sound?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask you a quick question then? How do you feel about R Kelly? How do you feel about R Kelly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I saw, uh, I saw you were selling that baseball table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baseball, basketball, soccer ball, table with the baseball bats as the leg stands? Sure. Thanks bro, I got my eye on that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The table. I'm thinking of coming in hard around 12.50. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daaamn. Yea, I think he did too. Alright, I'm thinking of coming and getting that thing, man. Look, I got my eye on that thing. So you're not budging on the price?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I wanted to hold it upside down and have the basketball on the bottom, could I do that or no? Or the balls printed on both sides?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now if I unscrewed the bats, do you think I could actually play sports with the bats and then those balls and then put it back together?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I got my, uh, actually I'm looking at a little footrest made out of tennis rackets. It's between this or that, I'm not sure. But, mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Kels did, Kels did it, but we'll see. He has two girlfriends. He has two 19 year old girlfriends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm still, I'm still thinking man, I'm kicking the tires on this thing. I mean it's a beautiful table, beautiful table. Where'd you get it from? You don't think it's nice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you're a broker for this sports theme table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, so that's why you can't dibble and dabble. You'd have to go back to the source, see if he'll take 1250. That'll feed into your cut. Gotcha. Right. Wow. Damn. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got you live on- Well, you're not live, but I'm- Dude, I had to call you for some strength, dude. I'm getting hung up on by everybody, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. Dude, I fucking, I, I started, I called people, first person I pitched it to was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so then I started, I devolved it into the idea of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna start calling Craigslist and negotiating. It's the whole answer. People on Craigslist will answer. So then I negotiated about a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of like a sports-themed table with a guy. That was actually pretty fruitful, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have to figure out that the mythology thing is tough to hit people on a call. It's tough to get someone to listen to 20 minutes of Celtic mythology on a phone call from a stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so I might just do that, and then do the mythology, just call people I know, because it's like, fucking impossible. I knew I was a sick salesman, dude, but Jesus Christ, this is hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, this first epi's gonna be definitely a little sampler pack, dude. I mean, you know, right now there's just a lot of ideas. This is a swirl of potential right now, but... It's tough, dude. It's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea bro, I'm just giving you the fucking full report dude, so I'm out in the field right now dude, I'm getting crushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, maybe mine's not actually, I don't know. Actually, do I even have mine on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] South Park's on Hulu and it's own website. South Park peaced out a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I thought people would be a little more open minded, man. I thought, I mean, I'd be happy if some, someone called me out of the blue and was like, I'm gonna read you a story. I'd be like, fuck yeah, dude, thanks. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might switch it up to where I just get, uhm, Patreon's people's numbers and then call Patreon subscribers and read them this. I think that might be the way to go, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a fair, very fair question. It was basically if like, if we somehow just said fuck science, and all the scientific knowledge just was buried. That's what, that was our science back then, so. That's just a treasure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Treasure tro- treasure, well this is more like, you know, CG Young, the direct source of JP, but it's like, that's- it's a treasure tro-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're turning, you're turning yourself, like, oh, if you fucking jerked off right now, that'd be sick. Damn, you're jerking right now? Is it getting bigger? Call, get Steve in there. You just did, dude. I'm fucking frozen, dude. You talking about your co- Uh, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to god, when my mom calls, I just like, ignore the call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girlfriend calls, yea, yes, I've definitely just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've definitely, I've definitely kept the train rolling. I've honestly actually switched. I think there was definitely a point in time where I was like, this works. It's caught one of the voice of my beloved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, uh, you should go to your show tonight, just like fully ironically dressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to show em, yeaah. I'm starting to get varicose veins a little bit on my thighs, I'm like... Yeaah. I mean, I, I like... Yeaah, I show those off, but still. Yeaah. Oh, either way. Alright bro, well look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appreciate you man, you gave me another 9 minutes on this exclusive fucking Patreon. It's pretty tight, I'm gonna- huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I called, no, I called Spud to test out the audio. I didn't even put Spud on. First of all. First things first. I just called-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna, like I said, a little potluck. I'm gonna go back to, I think my negotiating skills is the best bet for a sub-podcast, and then I'm gonna do a sub-sub-podcast where subscribers get to, I get to read game psychology. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the site, the website, Grindr. I didn't know if you were affiliated with Grindr. If you were just like... So you don't grind on stumps? What do you do to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I was calling about those, uh, valves you got on Craigslist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm calling about those fusible oil fire valves. The brass, they're brass, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, do you think I could smoke any fat nugs out of those things? They look like they're designed to like, I could pop a screen to those and blaze up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was gonna s- Excuse me. Smoke a f- Smoke a fat- Oh, it's alright, I was seeing if I could smoke- Ah, excuse me man, I got a fucking cotton ball in my throat. See if I could smoke a fat nug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through that thing. Like I saw it has like a little mouthpiece on the side and like a bigger end where I could put like a whole nug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well like, so I can, I see the valve, I can, I can open up the valve to like let some air in and just try to like rip like a fat nug right through there. Just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, perfect. Yes, you can open- Yes, I can open up, leave, get some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so it's basically, you would, it would stop you from smoking nugs basically. Okay. Well yeaah, I'll keep looking. Okay. Well thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright y'all, that's the end of that. That was, uh, as you can see, it, that was the compiled phone calls of, I called like 30 fucking people. Most people don't answer. Took forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was swamped with school stuff, swamped with work stuff, swamped with the podcast. Yeah, I didn't get it done this last weekend. You can get salty. Delete your shit. I don't care. Uhm, you know, go for that. If you live in a world where, you know, you feel like you're swaying things with, you know, even 20 bucks, dude, I don't, you know, I don't give a fuck about that. Uhm, you know, so just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, you know, you promised something and you're looking forward to it. I like to stay by my word, I try to, but, you know, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, it does kinda bother me, I wish I didn't do that, but at the same time, I am-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking busy and I just forget pretty much everything all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, I wasn't trying to be a dick, but again, the worst thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People can do to me is try to coerce me with fucking a dollar fifty. It's like you could SMD forever with that. Uhm, but yeaah, so, again, the, the Patreon,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how it's shaping up, because this is how I work. I just had to get into it. Uhm, I'm definitely gonna do a little thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think I am gonna do a thing where listeners, you know, if you want, most people kind of hate this idea besides me, but it's like, call people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fun way to read it. Everyone thinks I'm a fucking loser for this apparently, but whatever. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can give people, if you want more than this, I don't know what else I can do besides show you guys the folds of my butthole. So, I hope you enjoyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. And I told you those dudes are after sniz. No they're not. I found a couple of them with sniz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all the same. They're all dudes that are reciting 50 Shades of Grey lines. And one of them had a fat bae with him. He was like... Was that the split-screen one? No, this one he had. I saw the split-screen one. He's a beefy bae on the other side of the split-screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a beefy bae laying on him and he's like, I just cheated on her. I feel horrible about it. He's like, but I respect this bitch right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking nice. Damn dude. These guys, these tatted up weirdos quote Fifty Shades of Grey and just crush that sniz. We are in the end of times dude. This is the end of days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I guess that is the culmination of society. Yep. Obese people indulging in sex. Exactly. I mean, that's the collapse of a civilization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being a chubby kinkster is where it's at. I'm hopping around because now I'm fired off about big sassy daddies. What? Uh, Trump dog. So I was leaving a show. Me and Soder were leaving a show after, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, it was late, we're walking down the streets. Barriers everywhere. As if there's a parade. There's like those metal barriers along the streets. Cops, every block, like six cops on every corner. And I was like, holy shit. He touched down? The daddy is rolling through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was in New York? He went to his, yea, he went to his Trump Tower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they? Yeah, they were plotting. The best friends? The BFFs? The BFFs, dude. They were probably getting ice cream and making a


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[Assistant] Some of those chicks are hot, dude. Some of those young girls. Some of those youngsters. Some of those youngsters. Biden's got a good eye. Oh yeaah, Biden's got a good eye.


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[Assistant] You think Diamond Joe is a bit of a diddler? He's something. He's Diddler Joe.


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[Assistant] So it's like, cause Biden, the only way to fight back would be like, yeah, well you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Donald Trump, like, you, like, raped people. Donald Trump, you fucking rapist, dude, shut up. Once you start, like, defending your own pedophilia by going on the offensive, you look like a maniac. No matter what, you're fucked. A pedophilia accusation, you're in the fucking dog house.


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[Assistant] I think Bernie's making a run, dude. I don't think. I think he's the one man that can talk shit with Trump dogs.


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[Assistant] He might have been playing a long game. He's got a little bit of time left, but he might have been like, you know what, I'll kiss her this time, but I'll come for true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying this dude? He is, he is. It's like the hound versus the fucking mountain dude. Yea, it's Wario. Yea, he's, he's Mario. Chaney is definitely Wario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, that's why those debtors are fucking calling me right now. Are they really? Yea, they're trying to get their money before fucking Pocahontas gets in and scalps all their fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sucks for the people who paid it, it sucks for, like, if I was at that commencement, and like, I worked,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, you know, somehow saved money to like pay for my own loans and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like trying my best to like afford college on my own. And then some kid next to me that just took out loans. Just crushed it, yeah. Yeah, man. That's a tough...


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[Assistant] Well then, Snow is like, nah, dude. Nah, communism's gay, dude. Come here. Fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dracarys. Dracarys. Yeah, fuck thrones. Why do we need thrones anyway? The dragon being woke was sick. The dragon all of a sudden understanding politics and like, I can't kill snow. Snow's kinda chill I guess. Snow's like right about it.


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[Assistant] They carried her away. Snow should have just been like, yo, she left, man. I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Her and that dragon just fucking peaced out.


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[Assistant] Someone did say maybe Bran got in that fucking dragon's dome.


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[Assistant] I should have at least showed that if that was the case. Instead of us having to like make it better for the writers. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, that's what we did. That's what the books were. Yeah, the reason the dragon all of a sudden understood politics was...


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[Assistant] I wish the mountain would have won in taking control, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't fuck your twin? If I had a female twin, yes. That's masturbating, bro. I would take her to the fucking woodshed, dude. I would beat her ass. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's the old English common law. Yeaah, if you're a twin. The old twin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've probably- Whatever happened to those guys? They sucked. Probably flash in the pan. I hated those motherfuckers.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, two like Russian wiggers. Yeaah. Actually, now I think about it. You think they both have hogs? They were skinny boys tatted up. Long skinny dudes covered in tats definitely have hogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you and me should join Dongs. Gotta be tight. Two fucking short fat thiggies.


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[Assistant] You'd be like, uh, you'd be like one of those fish that like latches onto a shark.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she did try to style it out. She was like, yeah, sorry. This is for the good of everybody. They don't have a choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause fucking snow 1776 to hard. He was like death to tyrants.


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[Assistant] Great. Oh, nothing changed? Great. Literally nothing changed? That's what I was, that's what I was stoked on it.


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[Assistant] Somehow it- I was praying on it. It did bother me that Sansa-


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[Assistant] They didn't know. I don't know if those guys knew if she caught a couple hours.


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[Assistant] I was like, that's not an accent. Everybody else had like a, like people from the north were like Scottish. Everybody had like a British accent. And then this guy just... He might have been speaking midge. It could have been midge. It's probably ancient midge. Ancient midge English.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well that's what, yeah. He's American. He should've been like, hello! Yeah, he should've. Especially for a little midge. That's a perfect midge accent. And I love hoes and all that. He is. That's what he should've been, instead of whatever that fucking accent was. Yeah, that'd be perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even a real accent. Nobody on earth has that accent.


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[Assistant] He starts sort of freestyle like a heavy splash freestyle. Yeah, his, and then in the end he's just like, I killed Jamie Lannister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kinda like- That was his whole fuckin' motive. Was just like, I did cool shit at the end.


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[Assistant] From day one of this podcast, you've been talking about the need of a fucking workhorse sniz. That's exactly what Jamie found. He found a big dog. He did.


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[Assistant] Took her fucking virginity and then she just wrote songs about him. Exactly.


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[Assistant] If you're getting in white dudes heads, you better watch out. They should have made that movie just a bunch of white dudes thinking the worst shit in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have done like a Marvel thing where after the credits, she runs into Mel and they read each other's thoughts. He's like, oh, look at these good colored girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's so much, like a lady reading dude's thoughts, that could not be a movie.


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[Assistant] Like you can't make that movie. Oh yeah. Unless it's rated fucking. You'd have to burn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you read every dude's thoughts and you were like a hot chick. Oh my g-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, dude, the first time I saw John Wick. Oh, I hated that movie. I saw it, I saw it under the radar. Mhm. Like no one had talked about it yet, really. Yeah. So I was watching it and I was like, man, this movie's awesome. Like I love this movie. I watched it like three times that week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought Matt over after the show. After we did a show. Yeaah. And you were like, this shit's gay. And I was like... Is this gay?


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[Assistant] You don't like ice cream trucks? No. Why? Just shitty. Yeah. Shitty endeavor. Selling popsicles? Yeah. You don't like it? I don't fucking like it. That's the government administering diabetes to low income housing. No doubt. That's exactly what that is. That's CIA. It's an op for sure. No doubt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lemaire hopped up and ran out the other day. Did he really? Yea. Chased a truck? Yea, we got to the end of the block and he was like, it's too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] LaMare and Dorian were stoked when they heard that fucking music. Neither of them could catch it? They couldn't catch it. Dorian ran to get money. They sent LaMare out. Here he came. Special ops. Special ops to stop the truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is so annoying. I never even thought of that. Being an ice cream truck driver and listening to that fucking moot. Just trying to lure kids.


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[Assistant] That's probably an expensive truck to maintain though, right? Those freezers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean that's how it is running restaurants too. Just restaurants, stationary restaurants. Sucks. Like people think they can get into that business. Nah dude. Like manage it. It's like, it's a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, tattooed sleeves, maybe a snow hat. For sure. Above the ears. Yeah, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so cool. Imagine how cool you have to be to be a chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit the poll, get out, record a podcast, become great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, chefs are, I worked in a restaurant for a little while. Did you? I was washing dishes, delivering catering. Did you really? Yeah, I delivered catering for like two years. Shout out to Costa Villa. What up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, uh, yeaah, I would deliver those, you know, every once in a while sneak a little piece of chicken out of the chafing dish while I'm driving the van. You were having a whole different party, dude. I was having my own parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd get there covered in like the dirtiest. You were feasted. I was washing dishes, so like I'd have bleach all over me and like, I was disgusting. Yeaah. And I'd show up in like, I must've looked like the biggest retard on earth. Like just a giant dude carrying and chafing dishes. Like you could tell a corner was opened for me to sneak out. Like a handful of mac and cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and there was one time, I might have told this story, I was recording, you could record your own ringtones on this flip phone I had. So I had me singing. What'd you have? From my ringtones. Uh, it was right when Katy Perry's Kiss the Girl came out, so I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you do high for me real quick? No, I can't. Just do it. Try it.


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[Assistant] I'm not going to hit you anymore there. So you had that as a ringtone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was friends with this chubby kid named Herman Hebling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is great. So then my ringtone was Herman, Herman Heavling, King of the Wild Outdoors. That's just a song I used to taunt him with. And that was my ringtone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there was one family of thicc boys. It was all boys and they were meaty. Yea, and the one, the youngest brother would come to and just destroy concession stands. You could just watch him destroy concession stands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised the lady couldn't read the WNBA stars mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was in a club? She was in a club, dude. Was she doing like what 50 was? Like hanging upside down in the music video? What was that? Doing pull ups? And then she fell and bumped her head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the way spot, by the way spot, I mean like good nightmare. He's a good, he's a wild dog.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You know who's running out of lad karma is Trump daddy. Is he? He's got low lad karma. That could come back to haunt him. It will dude. Yeah, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they take a look at your mountain bike. They like it. They'll check your mountain bike out hard, dude. The montagna bicicleta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the lads in my neighborhood are just zoomin'. And you can't hear em'. Quiet. Really? Cause it's electric scooters. So I'm dodgin' these things all the time. Just lads everywhere. They're everywhere flying around on these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, these guys, they're all, this is, they're all delivery. This is head stash. This is delivery guys. True. That have these, like, chargeable scooters. And they, yea, they're everywhere. They're flying, but it's affecting the lad population. They're getting fat.


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[Assistant] Oh no dude. Fat lads on fucking quiet Vespas.


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[Assistant] They are like mini mountains. Like they're built like the mountain, just tiny. Just little fucking squat lads. Yea, they're fucking, they're good. These boys, but they're still keeping the lad style of clothing, which I like. What are they rocking? Like I was on the phone with you the other day and a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fucking lad flew by on a Vespa, wearing just like a skin tight under armor, sleeveless tee. Err, sleeveless tee. It was fucking incredible.


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[Assistant] If the lads found out how gay we were, they would rise up. They would plow through that fucking border wall. For sure dude. Like everyone hears a pussy.


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[Assistant] Very dishonorable to get abortion. Yeah dude. Down in fucking Mexico. Is it even legal there?


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[Assistant] I don't know. No, Ireland just legalized it. Really? Yeah. Shit. Yeah, most Catholic countries it's illegal.


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[Assistant] Yeah, what do you have to do? In most countries, it's illegal. Basically any religious country, it's illegal.


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[Assistant] If you got an un- unmarried, abortion in fucking Saudi Arabia, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well both of them do. Mazlal is very... a lot of machismo.


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[Assistant] Yea, but he really hates the Jays. That's a big drawback for Farrakhan. Yea, I mean he's- He comes down hard on the Jays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should try to honor Ramadan for a week. See how that goes. Do it. What do you got? You can't eat sun up, sun down? You can't eat or drink. You can't drink water while the sun's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't fuck, you can't swear, you can't eat or drink.


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[Assistant] You're just waiting for Eid. I'm gonna have a fucking sick Eid. My Eid this year is gonna be nuts. For sure. What are you gonna do for Eid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Ramadan. Is it coming up? I forget. It's at the end of Ramadan, which is probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40 days? 40 days of not being able to drink water during the day?


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[Assistant] I remember, we went bowling while he was towards the end of his fast. I remember talking to him. This is insane. And he'd be like, did he lose like 30 pounds? Something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a sweet tooth, dude. Having a sweet tooth is so funny. He has a crippling sweet tooth. Tommy has a sweet tooth.


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[Assistant] That's how I feel about weed. Like I don't have the ability to get high like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the last time I did that, the last time I got high alone, was the first time I checked the Reddit comments that were like, shitting all over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's actually like- I was super high and like, I checked the internet for some reason. Nah, stay off the internet dude. It was a mistake. Normally it was- At that point, up until that point, they'd almost all been good comments. Yeah. Where it's like, I get online and people are like, Shane's the man. I'm like, hell yes.


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[Assistant] Oh last fucked me. What? She fucked me. I went to Best Buy because my phone battery was dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My last was the Geek Squad. Geek Squad was a nice last.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she, first of all, I just hung out in Best Buy for two hours while she, while they fixed the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was wrong with your phone? My battery was like super low.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, certified. So. Genius. Yea, and they, she fucked my phone up. Like the screen has like bars all over it now. Yea, the last, last fucked my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, she was like, we'll, we'll fix it for you. We'll get you a new screen or a new phone. Go to my boy Elmo, dude. But, I was just hanging out in Best Buy, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? The new battery was only 50. I was surprised. Take it to my boy Elmo, dude. I don't trust Elmo, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, there was a recliner in the TV section. I just plopped down on that. Just watched the same, like, display video 30 times. I watched the Jumanji preview probably like 8 times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this was negative, this was caffeine induced. True, but I'm saying- So it was like, it was a panic attack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you know what? The panic attack was after the bomb. I remember that. Because I bombed and then called you. And that was while I was killing time in between shows. But then the second show I did great. So it was right back. Right back. I was like, fuck yeaah. Charge your batteries right back up. I'm the best. It's crazy. It was last. Destroyed my iPhone. Hey man. She was a beautiful ass though. Well, let her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just feel like if Allah fucking wills it right now, I will die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he, Malcolm X, like he was with those guys. What's that called?


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[Assistant] Like the nation of Islam. That'd be tight. Brothers of, you know, a cool name. I think something tight, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love conquers all, including the infidels. Hell yea dude. We're gonna conquer them with love.


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[Assistant] You're like that one lady that's a senator. Or a congresswoman.


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[Assistant] She did say. Like the most progressive Muslim ladies still like, yea, but also Israel should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what though? You wanna go after the Jays? You're gonna run into some trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're super woke, trying to attack Jay's? They will shut that shit down, dude. Jay's will have no problem turning you over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fucking turned over Jesus. Do you think they're afraid to turn over some woke fucking pussies? Yeaah dude. The Jays will fucking crush you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get some weird fans that disagree with you fundamentally on everything else. Yeah, but they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But then also, they're like, the state of Israel should not exist. Wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I mean, you could do that with history. You could just have a that was Jews button. Like the plague, that was Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I met my J team this week. How was that? How were they? I sat down with my agents, met all the J's from across the LA J team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To the J's? To the J meeting? Uh, no, I was wearing a Matt Chain Seager podcast hoodie. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have rolled in there. You can buy those on merchpump.com or podcastmerch.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good. I actually, last night, a bunch of the dudes that worked there were like, you guys are selling a lot of shirts. Fuck yeah dude. Hell yeah. Yes. Yes dude. Yes. Awesome. Yes, and it is a Jay free network. Ah, no it's not. There's a lot of Jays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anything in, anything in entertainment. You best believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I feel that Jays control the merch game? Just like Jesus. He was pissed when they were selling merch. He was like, stop selling merch you fucking Jays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but good luck, dude. Good luck controlling you. Exactly. Someone's like, don't do something illegal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it? See, you might, I think you have one of the worst tastes in movies. Why? You like Detective Pikachu. You like- I like- I bet a dog's journey fucking blows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well as a kid there's tons of talking animal movies. Every movie is a talking animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that you're like an uncle getting like one cool thing and that's all he can talk about. I'll tell you what, I got this new, uh, this fire stick. I don't know if you've ever heard of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a fire stick? Yea, I got a fire stick. There's- I was like, she was almost- I think she's like five years old now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was just watching a nice little flick before, uh. Where'd you watch it? I was watching, no, it's on Netflix. It's about this clearly gay autistic guy that, uh, figured out all the prices right. Prices? What? Like he was that obsessed with prices right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, retarded guys are always straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy was like, it's great. He's been to like 30 Price is Right tapings, and he watches every Price is Right and then memorizes the prices of each product.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And had a spreadsheet in his house of every product. So then he would go to the show and the first couple of times he didn't get picked. So he'd be in the back and he'd...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see the footage from the shows where he's just nailing the price every single time. Like you know that opening bit? Yea, he was like a card counter for fucking Price is Right. And Bob Barker's like, have you watched the show? How many times have you watched the fucking show? He's like a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually he got to play, but he got fucked on the wheel. He spun the wheel and didn't get to the final showcase. Now I stopped watching, I think he gets another shot here. I think when Barker retires, cause you could only be picked once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's, you have to be. That's his whole job. It's like, listen, we're going to put together a cool show that requires like guessing numbers. The autists are going to be flying in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the winners of Jeb are autists. A lot of lady autists. Yeah, they can sneak by. Lady autistics are weird. You'll see like a nice pretty lady, but then she'll be wearing like a vest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dinosaurs, please dinosaurs. Uh, yeaah, it's great though. This guy, like, he hooks up. Cause he'll just be in the audience. He'll be in the, yeaah, he'll get some ass, dude. He's, oh yeaah, true. He's not, he is not gay. I take that back. Wait, he's not gay? I take it back. You're right. I forgot. He's obsessed with one of the models, Holly. Why'd you say he was gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, cause he like loves Charlie Brown and shit, I don't know, he's got a lot of gay-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. I guess the aut-autism threw me off. Damn, dude. Just cause he was living the, you know, he was solo, so I figured he might be a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot about it. Sorry. I don't care. Yeah, but it's great. You got to watch it because people like he'll be sitting with people and he's like, if you get picked because he got to wait in line. So they're out front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just talking shit to everybody. They're like, yo, if anybody gets picked, look, look to my brother, dude. He's gonna kill it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then people get picked and you see him like- His brother was hyping him up. Yea, he would bring friends with him, and they'd be like, yo, this is the guy. If you get picked, look at him, he'll give you the answers. Damn. So this, yea, he's sitting with this black lady, she goes down, she gets picked, he fucking nails everything for her. Like she just looks back, he gives her the correct answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, one kid won like three cars. Damn. Just this autistic dude in the audience. And Bob's trying to fucking figure out. And then the production team's like, who the fuck is this guy? Theodore, dude. Killing it. Damn. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what happened. Theodore got vaccined as a young boy and ended up being obsessed with the Price is Right. He came out, he's like, yeah, I don't have measles now, but now the only thing I care about is Price is Right spreadsheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He broke the prices right. Yea, it was fun. It's such a sick thing to be like, obsessed with. Literally sitting in your room by yourself, like an old man by himself, getting a spreadsheet of prices right. He made his own computer game for the prices right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yea, he programmed a video game. Delight. The Price is Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's kinda like, I mean, The Bachelor's a fucking disgusting show. This is like that. I'll tell you what, The Bachelorette. Bachelorette's sick, dude. It's just a hot dude that's just banging like 12 chicks. But when it's the lady and it's a bunch of dudes competing, that's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bachelorette. He was not the bachelor. My friend was one of the bachelorettes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, just back to, alright, back to, no, then they sell like makeup and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Magic erasers. Yea. It'd be cool if they were selling like boardwalk wares. No, just them. Like the itchic powder. That's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's got one of those little spot. Yeah. That's nasty. That's nasty. Did you get any fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get a Chinese finger trap for both dongs in one end. Now you guys can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doc with another dude? With an uncertain dude? Yea. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God didn't decide how much skin the dark left here. You know what I mean? Well, I mean, God decides all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I bet a lot of people listening to this don't know what docking is. True that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you went over there and you're like, guys, look, here's what they're up to over there. That in itself would just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we need to stop this empire. This evil empire of docking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're probably a sub at that point, you're just being a brat. You're just willing to fucking get this. If you were docking into a large dome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet the Price is Right guy had a big one. Bob Barker? No, Barker is the man though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bob Barker's AIDS? Where'd he get the bug from? Probably Teddy. Probably a gay autist. Probably. Alright, what are we at? We're at an hour twenty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, how sick would it be if all these boys just opt up to their page by one dollar? What do you think about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, dude. I mean, I just left that Jay meeting. The Jays were like, yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 7th and 8th. Maybe the 6th, 7th and 8th? Whatcha doin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be at the Tampa Improv with Jay, with Big Jay. So 7th and 8th if you live in Florida, Tampa Improv. Down in Florida? Yea, down in Tampa. Yea dude, down in Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Down, way down Tamper Way. Uh, 14th and 15th I'll be at Bananas in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. Hasbro Kites in New Jersey. That's a big one. 14th and 15th I'll be headlining Bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what a nap. Dude, you know, they can't all be elite, but, you know, a little something, just a little something, you know, smashing dicks together is pretty funny, so we got that going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cast continues to, I mean, just at such a crazy rate. Yep. Yeah, it's too much power. Might be too much power for us. I think it is dude. Uh, but yeah, check out the fucking, the shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those shirts are sick. They're nice. Yeah. Merchpump.com or podcast merch. It's one of those. I think it's the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever have one of those guys come to your schools? The guys from prison. That, we had a guy come to our school talk cause he was in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that- he was doing that because I'm sure he gets time off, uh, from a sentence, but like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically, there's that, uhm, group of people that go around to certain parks in Philly. Black and brown coalition? Yea, the coalition. And they, they open them up and they do everything that the city- Wait, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no, I mean basically what they do is they go around Philly to sort of, like in this instance they go to this park, they open it up, they redo it, they make it real nice, clean it up, and then they were leaving toys for kids, so the next day when they come in the park's open, there's, you know, soccer balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, basically, the guy's taping it from across the street, and then you see old Joey creeping around, looking in, he's like, what's going on here? And then, uh, next thing you know, he went in, grabbed a soccer ball, just started hauling down the street, and they're like, can you give that kid's toys back? He's like, no! And then, uh, that was it. It's just funny to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He annoys them. It's like, yeah, that's what he does. It's kind of the condition. And the, uh, it gets locked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does it as Ben Franklin. How's that go? It's not great, he's kinda harsh. He's like, you know, these fuckin' bitches out here, I'm like, woah dude, I'm on board with this. My fuckin' dick is on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, you get a drink, you smoke or something, then you come back, you're just wandering around, and you're just fucking pacing, like, if I take this shot, it's coming home, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember, I told you a story about, like, uh, my brother's, this kid. He's actually, he wrote, uh, all the Annabelle, uh, movies. He wrote the new It, and he's writing the second It. It's my brother's college roommate. So they took him to a, uh, concert, and they gave him a weed brownie, and he fucking lost his mind. He was like, you guys fucking poisoned me! And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Shut up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're walking through the parking lot, and it just rained, and my brother was like trying to give him water, and he wouldn't take the water, he's like, there's probably poison in there, so he was putting his hand on car windshields.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, uh, not to cut you off, but it reminded me of when you were like, doing, he does that awful wrestling, and you're like the heel, so you're supposed to be a dick. Yeah. And then you made fun of that girl, and everyone was like, how dare you? I was like, that's literally, it's not even him, he's a character, he's gotta get you mad at him. And what'd you say, I don't know what you said. Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if it was a mouse in a mousetrap, dying, and like you gotta kill it, but you gotta drive a nail through its head. And then you could fuck me. A fucking mouse dude, that's like dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Okay, I got, what if, what if like a super, who's like, who's like your, who does it for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you catch a shock through, uh, damn. Oh, so you, you, you basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ritical and loud, yea. So that's like, that's like amateur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I re- I still go over that. Really? You asked me, have you checked on how she's doing? Is she from LA or New York?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she out of her slump? Dan, did you ditch her when she got depressed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, there's just a couple good time Charlies. What's that? It's getting butt fucked in the tournament.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The really worst walking around like fucking digital Caligula dude where it's like you can just, you shouldn't be able to see pussies like that, like that. I think it fucking ruins people. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your life force, dude, that's your libido. That's your primal force, you gotta fuckin' say- Although I do say, there's a caveat, yes, it hits a critical point, where I can hit a point where I can't sleep, and I'm like, my heart's beating all hard, and I'm like, I gotta come now. So it is good for that, but I'm saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad idea. I fight it. Do I fall? Yes. My life view right now on my app is small. I fell. I fucking fell, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had my team, my team was charged up on me, dude. I had fucking 40... What was I at? 39 days, dude or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Lost Connections. You know who Yohan Hari is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uhm, he wrote a book about antidepressants that's fucking crazy. Basically saying-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they marketed it being like it, it helps alleviate pain. It's like we have a secret technology. We can't tell you what it is because people will copy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, people were using it and it was working, like that placebo effect was working on people. So there was a doctor who was like, he just wrapped, uhm, metal around a stick and like was doing it and people were like, holy fuck, my fucking arm works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what they don't do, they don't, there's a double blind, uh, placebo, whatever, double blind test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when they finally, they got the information from like the Freedom of Information Act, like a lot of these studies, and it was like, something like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like, so there's 100%, 75% of it was a mixed up placebo and people just getting better over time. And there's like a 25% of people who had relief. And then when they followed that 25% of people over the course of the ensuing years, a huge, a huge chunk of them needed to up their dose after a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was like debating these doctors who were, they were like, dude, we didn't, doctors don't wanna not believe that like the brain's like a mechanistic thing of just like, fix the parts, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is nuts. That's like, cause they didn't, now like the data's out and everyone's just kinda like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they even did trials where they gave people things that lower serotonin they work to. How fucked up is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's no, there's no science saying that like it's because of low serotonin. They haven't proven that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't, again, it could, it could do something. It is like an altered state, people say. But it's, apparently it goes away after like, you know, some time. Pretty fucking wild, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. Here's my thing, with the antidepressants, the reason they're so popular is because they jive with our current mythology, which is scientism, where it's like, oh, we have a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have, our brains like a fucking computer and we need a certain, there's a certain balance of serotonin and dopamine. This is a story we all bought into. No one fucking knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, well the scientific message, and then there's scientism, there's scientism, which is the dogmatic belief in scientific principles that you just don't understand at all. That's what people do with that, that's, that's our current, that's our cultural milieu is just kinda like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Science rules everything. If a doctor says this, if a scientist says it, it's true. It's just a fucking high priest. Same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm telling you, that's why I think they're so popular. It just fits our current mythology. We're myth-less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I, I have like, I just cycle through like, I'll get a little depressed, I'll get like, slightly manic for three days, and it'll like, it'll come like, monthly, bi-monthly, and I'll just kinda like, when I'm down, I'm just like, fuuuck, god damn it, and I'll just be like, whatever, and I'll just do my little thing, and then, you know, eventually just come out of it, but if I were to be like, fully engaged like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, my big thing is, what's your, you have to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so it was like a little, again, it sucked, cause you didn't have electricity and stuff, but mentally, the, the mental disease was so fucking low. Cause there's nothing really to buck out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they've studied the, like the cultures, they say like they don't really, depression, anxiety and shit is like pretty, pretty low. Imperatively. Well, they didn't talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the idea of boredom didn't come around until like the 1800s. It wasn't even a concept. Think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently, I mean, I don't know. There wasn't a word, there wasn't a word for it. It was just guys being like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's like an end-all be-all, but I think it's very, very important what people tell themselves every day. Like, I think more important than most stuff that people think or read or do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're consuming nothing but like negative thoughts about yourself, even if you're lining them up as like objective reality, which is like, who gets to say what that is, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I, I'm not, I'm not against that, but it, I still think it's like really important and people don't think about it. I think if you're constantly ingesting negative thoughts, it's like eating like Burger King everyday for your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, thinking about, getting like a business spiritual type is a sick move. You go like full Bezos. That's a fucking, that's a sick move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is dick leaked? Yea, I think his dick leaked. He, dude, did you follow the Washington Post? No. That, he owns that paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he just writes stories about, he has stories, there's stories about Amazon and Jeff Bezos. I've been following that because I heard like, people were like, oh, Jeff Bezos, propaganda machine in the Washington Post.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, whatever. Then I have the New York Times little snippets and Washington Post go to my email everyday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, as soon as you got caught cheating, it was just like, there was a story about him being like, this was a political assassination, how did people get my stuff? In the Washington Post, there was just a picture of him on the cover being like, Trump set this up, and it's like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The story today was like Amazon people making $150,000 a year using like, it's just like Amazon and Bezos news. It's fucking nuts. That is wild. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Old Bezzy's dude chucking his shit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be fucking fulfilling orders, dude. They're gonna be paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all think the lads will jump on it? Think Bezos won't scoop up the lads? No, we're the fuckin' tech-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's pretty, that's pretty big. Fuck. Let me see. Hold on. Wait till this thing bursts, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are those two guys that train the tigers? The two blonde haired dudes? Roy and uh, Siegfried and Roy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably, he's probably getting all, he's probably a little, like a bit of a sadist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know where Chicky got his like, I wanna, I would love to study under Chicky to be like a, a handler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hated my first set. Your second set was fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, when I first started stand-up, they, I went to an open mic and it was apparently an audition for the pre-nud pet challenge. I didn't know. It, it was at the thing. So I just said something really stupid about fucking animals and it was like someone, I remember someone being like, that was the fucking worst thing I've ever heard. And I was like, well, I was trying to throw in an animal thing. I didn't fucking know. So I too am haunted by the pre-nud pet challenge, dude. That was some bullshit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all these fucking women are getting stand-up gigs over me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, with our family's history, you can't do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, it's time for Gerbys to totally redeem himself. Nah, I won't be redeemed. He's a Gerb boys. He is dude. It's the old Gerby. Enring your Gerbys. Little Gerbys. I'll just claim I won't be redeemed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a TikTok. This is, this is the pores filming themselves trying to get laid by doing like anime videos. Maybe I'll have to re-watch it. You gotta give it another shot. You were in a bad spot when you were watching. That's why you were being such a sourpuss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that your, you know, now that your arthritis has calmed down quite a bit. Little bit. Maybe you won't be such a sour puss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sour puss. He's not wrong. You'd become a big- I'd be a sour puss. Yea dude. If I had fucking arthritis, fling it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that guy fucking messaged you about was it a hemi or was it something else? Thrombosis or some shit? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever that thing was, I've never seen a hemi like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've never had a hemorrhoid. Yeah, and then you just got that thing. Yeah, if that guy's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder if there'd be a difference in how they treated it, hemi or thrombosis or whatever that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure they literally were just like, we could call it whatever we want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, you're poor. Your body, your body's- Good dog. How's your- How's your health insurance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Your bro hooks it up? Yeah. Well, you work with him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, some people like in, in obviously in New York, it's J's fucking city. Right. Yeah. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out where I'm from, you'd never see Jays. Yea, hit Delaware County dude, you don't... Not many Jays lingering around. There's no money to be had. Out in Delaware County? Yea, they're out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're the only one. I can almost guarantee of all of our listeners, you're the only one who watches. Not true dude. Vampire Soap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if it's exhausting, the flying around. They never seem exhausted, so they should be doing that instead of driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fluctuates. Really? Every once in a while contact can be a little chubby boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets a little chubby from, he gets, he gets a little carried away with the drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much fun. Wait, you guys, I knew you did this and I was happy for you. You guys were throwing frisbees and hitting wiffle balls, which normally I would criticize, but I was happy for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, had I known you guys were topless, hitting wiffle balls in the park?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were dressed like Ja Rule, that'd be fuckin' tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just hitting the drugs this past week. Oh yeaah. Of contact was exploring his mind. How do you feel about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always, honestly, I'm always expecting you to be like the break, like where I like talk shit on him and I expect you to be like chill, chill, but as soon as you see blood, dude, you go right in, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Waze has like cops, cops ahead, it should be like fucking retarded guy ahead. Or like date, like badly homeless. Like I can pass a homeless guy, but like a hard homeless. Like on the way here I passed a fucking black dude, wheelchair, no shirt on, just rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was small. He was tiny. Oh my god. He was tiny. Little bowling ball. They'll get you. Really? Little thick boys. Oh yea man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't fucking get ya. Yea man. He did. He held you closer. He held you too close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they jump out. Their thing is those bouncy ball crates at like grocery stores and Walmarts. That's their bale of hay. In Assassin's Creed, you know this? Assassin's Creed, you can jump out of like church towers and into like bales of hay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you don't. You got high and saw one and you were instantly like devastated. That's how little you respect him. He was having the time of his life. He was scanning pies. That's a fucking down dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not work, that's pledge. If you have downs, gathering cards is pure pledge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt hates the Jays. No I don't. Do you respect or fear them? Respect. Really? I respect. You don't fear the Jays?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel the J's. I respect them. I respect them. They can't get me. They don't even want to get us. Nah, they couldn't. They couldn't even if they tried. They like, they see what we're up to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wanna get in business with us. The Jays? Oh yea, there's some guys who reach out. We gotta talk about that. Oh yea. Some Jays reach out. A Hispanic J. Really? Well, he obviously isn't Jewish, but he's a business partner, so. The Lad partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, but I don't know how I feel about ads. Yeah, I don't wanna do ads. I don't know if we should do ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Oh, I loved that shit on you. They would have him ride like Simeons and shit. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's go back to your fear of the mentally handicapped and disabled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's a- If you've been thrashed, you've been thrashed twice. Yes, yes we do. That's terrifying. No, no. I'd be fucking weary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be real weird. If you got gripped up once, I'd be fuckin', I'd be, you'd get real shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah, man. That thing doesn't even move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, same level of power. Exactly. Both a million horsepower. For sure. Tiny guy with downs. It's at least 80 horsepower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know that fuckin', there's that electronic billboard I always bring up about Nike? Mhm. How it's always like, women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Muslim women suck our dicks by Nike. Yeah. Uh, they got tiger back. Which is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Polly? He was just Polly, yea. That's what's up. But now there's a huge thing of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tiger winning, and it's like, America loves a comeback. It's like, you guys were the reason he was down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't play for anyone. He's done? No, he is done. Every once in a while you'll see him pop up on like a sports analysis show, something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet there is. Sounds like something Asians could get behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slammer, not jammer, it's a slammer. Slammer, yea. Yea, Trump's the slammer. You gotta love what Trump's up to, right, Gerbys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because everybody, they keep allowing, like, massive protests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also like, London, suck our fucking dicks dude. Yeaah. Don't tell us about government. You guys have had a king and queen forever. Don't make us rise up again dude. Don't make us fucking rise up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would've been, it would've been, I mean dude. It'd be tough to be like, I'm with the Patriots cause it's like, we're probably gonna lose this thing. I'm gonna hedge my bets inside with the king. You're also way more willing to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could take it. Yeah, you could take it. You could literally. Those battles also, like I, I loved this, I loved the Civil War growing up. Then people were getting fucking killed. I could've done it. Revolutionary War, after like a major battle, there were like 2000 casualties. Yeah. It's like, oooooh. That would be huge, right? Yeah, that'd be a massive. There's a lot of guys who'd be like, ah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was only, cause as a kid, the Civil War, I loved the Civil War.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then people, I thought the Revolutionary War was fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, just cause once somebody slid me the numbers, I was like, take that back. Give me Gettysburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of the time. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they started to, I don't know much about it, they started to like spiral the rifle, like rifle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It started to come about. Yup. Uh, but yeah, exciting stuff. It was, some people argue the Civil War was like the first modern war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The body started stacking. But, yea, yea, like where it was industrialized. Yea. Like railroad, shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I switched. Carlin put me on a World War I heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, you gotta, you gotta look it up. Those fucking planes. Says even better. Planes just dropping spikes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Into fucking trenches? They weren't even dropping bombs, they were literally dropping bricks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would fly over a trench and just throw whatever they could. They would just dump the trash on people. You get hit with a brick from up in the sky. That sucks. If you're talking to someone they just explode with a brick. That fucking blows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I would have done from day one. I think his name was Marion. Francis Marion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swamp Fox is a good bull. Showed us what was up. Yeaah, he started guerrilla warfaring them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, being a French gentleman running into like, some Iroquois. Ooh, cut your fucking head off. That would suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were picking your spots, you were fucking climbing the ladder. Throwing them sinkers. You jammed them, jammed them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, how am I, where the chicks, the chicks had to be flocking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like Rowan Gardner in Rookie of the Year. You're just floating it at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then what? You started trying to sling it in there and you started getting rocked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were slinging it at the vet. You were trying to get velocity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you're dive bombing. That's, that's crazy you threw 32.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 32 is, it'd be difficult to throw that slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could throw more than 32. Maybe 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fucking kills me. Uh, I bet Tommy can hit 80s. You think he can chuck in the 80s? I bet he can throw in the 70s, 80s. Yeah, he can fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a few inches tall or he could have played a real sport. Could have played football, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Folk, Folk Music Festival. They're like the pinnacle of Evil Hippie, you're right. They get fuckin jacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that is an offshoot people don't talk about. That the lax, lax pros are evil hippies. They pretend to be super chill, but there's a lot, a lot of date rape. They do get, I mean, it's very public that they're rapists. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to put together a montage of me just letting a frisbee sail past me. Just being like, nah, that's not, I'm not catching that. I'm just not even coming near that. I'm not gonna run in the park. What am I, sissy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, last time we got into it a little bit, you've been getting some head, getting, getting some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good guy, yea, no, I'm not, not that- I'd take forever to come off head. I wish I was a guy who could nut faster off head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot like the feeling I get when I'm high is very similar to when I'm getting hit. Really? I'm like, this feels good, but also I'm in my head the whole time about like, oh, I got a gross dick. I'm gross. This is.


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[Assistant] Feel bad for, yeah, just get in my own head. If I'm getting my dicks hugged, I feel bad for the person doing it. Is that right? Typically.


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[Assistant] What am I worried about? I don't know. Is it taking too long?


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[Assistant] Oh yea, Gherby's is a fucking freak. I know. You like, you like spitting and what else do you do? You spit?


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[Assistant] No, that's good. You need some vanilla sex. That'll straighten you out. You'll stop playing touch bot in the park.


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[Assistant] Probably caught a couple of those, I just didn't even know what to call it.


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[Assistant] That was your mom gasping while she listens to this.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So I was laying there. But sometimes you do feel sexy.


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[Assistant] You were feeling sexy in those fucking home videos you were making on YouTube.


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[Assistant] Did you film yourself in different outfits, like leaning sexually?


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[Assistant] Dude, especially when you're hidden from behind. Yeaah. You got a fucking gaping hole in front of you. Yup. You can get, you can catch some.


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[Assistant] Did you jizz? No. Oh, the butt smell got you out of the jizz?


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[Assistant] That's pretty gross. So GurbDogs, were you talking dirty while the shit smell hit you? Were you like, oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Really? Not into the dirty talk? No. So the hairy butt lady, you sound like you don't like her that much.


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[Assistant] I like that kind of stuff. Yeah, that's good. Let's try to explore that. What happened?


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[Assistant] Yeah, well that was that time. Stood on it for another year. The one story that's great is me and I think it was Caitlyn fighting. Yeah, dude. And then, uh, you and your bae were with us.


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[Assistant] I didn't think she was, but I would have remembered getting that vibe, but I did not.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean her being like, they're probably not going to last was, I mean the writing was on the wall on that one. Like she doesn't even live in the same city. And I just moved out. That was like right when I moved out. I had lived with her and I was like, I'm going to go do comedy. See ya.


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[Assistant] We had Notre Dame. We got hit with a birthday surprise. When me and my ex broke up, we had Notre Dame, Michigan, playing. I ended up just me and O'Contact hitting the road together. Replaced my bitch with O'Contact, had a great weekend.


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[Assistant] We popped shirts off. O'connie popped his shirt off. He pops it off very quick. I like it. That's where he ran into that dark wizard, dude. That old wizard almost got him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, electricity is terrifying. I'm like a J on Sabbath, dude.


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[Assistant] I respect every day, every day of Sabbath. I do not fuck with electricity at all. You might be like a high priest then. I'm very high. For sure. Yea dude. That's awesome. I've been, yea, I've been shocked a couple times and not for me. What'd you get shocked on? Just fucking outlets. How? They're like fucking dumb kids. Stick a little paperclip in there? All the time dude, I loved outlets.


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[Assistant] I don't know what you're talking about. That shit hurts. I don't know. Maybe it's more scary than painful.


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[Assistant] Or like any of those things, like when somebody puts like a gag, like, any shock, I fucking hate.


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[Assistant] I watch a lot of those on Liveleek. Yeah, it's crazy bro. Dude's industrial getting electrocuted is terrifying. They go flying. There's one video of these dudes like carrying like a...


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[Assistant] Uh, like almost like scaffolding, like a metal, like a big metal thing, like four different dudes carrying each leg of this thing, and it hits a power line while they're carrying it, and all four of them are fucking stuck to it. Cause the electricity, they're all just dead.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude. Crack him in the head dude. Speaking of knockouts, how about the fucking king lad? Did you see that? No, I missed that. What happened? That lad knocked out.


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[Assistant] Joshua? Whaaat? Dude, what a fight. Heavyweight champ is now a fucking king lad. Whaaat? He lords over us.


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[Assistant] Wait till you see this guy. He's like sloppy, fat, and he fought Joshua who's like, sculpted, like jacked black dude.


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[Assistant] He got fucking leveled in the third round and then he gets up.


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[Assistant] After getting like pretty- He's got that lad head though dude. He's got the lad chin dude. The chin of a lad is like, Nate Diaz has it. You literally have to kill them. Yea dude.


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[Assistant] It's like a, it's like their boxing, like Mexican boxing is like take one to give two. Oh yea man. It's like you come in expecting to get fucking popped.


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[Assistant] Damn, I can't wait to catch that. It's gonna be awesome. It is really fun to watch, dude. The Destroyer?


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[Assistant] The guy you fought, yea. Oh my god. The guy you fought was supposed to be, like, they were gonna have him fight, uh, Deontay Wilder, who's also a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who did fight that guy? Charlie Z? Charlie Z? He went and beat up Charlie Z.


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[Assistant] Charlie Z ran away and was like, I still won. He did win.


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[Assistant] And I was making fun of Deontay Wilder for, cause then he fought Tyson Fury who's a retarded British guy.


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[Assistant] Bro, look at that guy. How great is that? How great is that?


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go home and watch that fight. Joshua quits. He doesn't get knocked out.


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[Assistant] He's, he goes to his own corner and stands there and like he gets up after a knockdown and stands in his corner with like his arms on the rope and the ref's like, you can't do that. Like, come on, this isn't a rest.


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[Assistant] That was lad activity, dude. That was crazy. Yea, it's fucking nuts. So fun to watch. Watching a good lad win. Yea, it's fantastic. Nate Diaz has a fight coming up. Can't wait. Who's fighting Pettis? It's going to be a good fucking, I don't know, some other lad.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, Nate DS stories are just so good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he just posted that yesterday on his Instagram story. That's fucking tight. I'm a big NTS guy. I'm stoked on that. But he does this, uh, interview with Hinchcliffe and he tells a story about doing the Ultimate Fighter. It's...


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[Assistant] So great. He's like, I like, I just was going to do it to get like my medicals, cause it's like all free. Like fuck that. Like I'm not going to go to some house cause his older brother Nick Diaz was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, we watched it together. We made fun of these fucking guys. Like, fuck these guys. He's like, then I got there and I was like, fuck it, I'll just tap all these fucking dudes at training and then I'll fucking dip out.


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[Assistant] So then he's like, you know, I went through and fucking tapped all those motherfuckers and I was like, fuck it, I'm out. And then they named our first opponent. So I was like, I gotta stay and fight him. I don't want them to think I like fucking duck dude, like fuck that. So then he goes and beats the first guy and they named the next opponent. He just had to keep staying. And then he won. Oh, that's so fucking funny. And the best part is he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like after training and like dinner, everybody would just go home and go to sleep. And I'm like, fuck that. Like 10 PM, like that's when the homeboys come through. Like I'm like, I'll crack open a beer and chill. So like the cameraman had to stay awake with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, the Nate Diaz, I mean, just showing up, showing up to the Ultimate Fighter, the house, and just being like, I'll just fuck all these guys up, and then leave. I gotta stay? This is bullshit. And then he's like, and they take your phone, so, he didn't have his phone, so he couldn't leave. He like, didn't know how to leave. He just stuck there until he won, and then he got to go home.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, if they hit you with just a dead arm, you'd cry. You'd have to hide crying if you had a dead arm.


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[Assistant] That would suck. Oh, it would be so bad, like, to pretend not to be crying around them.


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[Assistant] That's cause you're very, you're very, you believe in God and he doesn't.


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[Assistant] That old thing that came out about their geopolitics about the US, is that what that article is about?


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[Assistant] What is cool? What do the blacks think is cool? Why do you dress like idiots?


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[Assistant] Somebody else's smoke alarm. Not ours this time. Hell yea, nice. Nice. It's just constant fires. Someone else's smoke alarm, probably upstairs. Yea, probably.


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[Assistant] The, like, Anheuser-Busch was doing that, like, pro-immigrants commercial. Like, all these companies are doing, like, we love immigrants. We love being gay. Being gay is awesome. Being gay rules. Hey, ladies, it's your choice. Get a fucking abortion. Try this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's chick-fil-a's thing. They're like, we're not open Sundays. Also, we don't like gay marriage.


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[Assistant] Yeah, or, I mean, if you were pro the president in an ad. True. That'd be a huge problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think like Lumber84? Is that what it is? 84 did it? 84 did a pro anti-Trump. They were anti-Trump. Which was kinda surprising.