[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She buys like grain in bulk. She just goes and buys massive amounts of food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this is a fucking, I mean, I appreciate it. Yeah, it's great, but she isn't single-handedly slapping global warming. Exactly. And then, and then it was like, my girlfriend was like, plastic is a fucking problem. And I was like, yeah, I'm not arguing that. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, those Asians. Diggin' through the trash. Gettin' bottles. I like it. But, uh, so we fight over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, I wasn't calling that, well yeah, fuck it, I was. I was saying it was kinda stupid. Cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My second argument was like, who has time to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course this lady can make her own toothpaste. She doesn't have fucking obligat- If you have a job, how the fuck are you gonna sit around and make toothpaste?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're about a minute in, I already got to, I already got to the Asians. Ian Fadance everybody, thank god. What's up? Just in time, I was really, uh, That's right. churning through a good fight story with my girlfriend this morning. Oh, no way. Yeah. What happened? Well, I said something she liked was crazy. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady who's, like, working on her, what's it called, carbon footprint?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh-huh. So much so that her waste for an entire year could fit into a mason jar. All the trash she accumulated. Uh-uh. And then I was like- That's not true. And then I said it was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull it up. I mean, look, her message is probably great. It's probably like, hey, let's limit our pollution. Uh huh. But also, you know how much of a fucking lunatic you have to be to be like, zero trash for a year? I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, these ladies are trying to ruin our trash. Yeah, they're trying to ruin a lot. Anyway, so that conversation, she told me about this person. And you said it was stupid. And instead of being like, wow, that's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a dick, I'm not a great guy. Right. For this type of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even say it was stupid. I was just like, uh, that's, that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, uh, so that resulted, and she, you know, it, it stemmed from a lot of things leading up to that. Pretty much everything she likes, I tend to shit on. And you guys got in a big fight. Had a pretty big fight. We're in the midst of it right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know. We're on the phone. Let's start over. Definitely not. Tommy Pope. Wow. Look at this guy. Look at how tan you are. Tommy Pope. Hey dude. It's good to see you bro. Damn, you look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first moved to Madrid at this teaching job,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the job was like north of Madrid, in this village in the mountains. And they tried to set me up with an apartment there. That was like, in the middle of this fucking shithole town. Right across the street was a goat farm. And every morning they would load them into these fucking, and it's, they pack them in. They sound like crying kids. Oh, it's so sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. You're gonna get stabbed down there for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, man, that's, so how'd you know they were safe? Just walking through or did someone, they totally told you, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got back from Spain, I was speaking English like a fucking retarded guy. Cause everybody I spoke English to, I had to speak in like real basic like, hello, I am Shane. And I got back and started talking to people there, what the fuck's your problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you smoke a dude from Prague?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing, I just got in a fucking fight about nothing this morning. Just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like, all the trash she's accumulated, like, just, this cup would be more than she's accumulated in two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking jars that she got two years before? I don't know. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, she likes this one fucking Australian podcast that's about sex. And every time I'm like, I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just these, this Australian lady that's like, let's talk about 69ing and how beautiful and magical it is, you and your partner both pleasuring each other. And I'm like, this is, just say you're a slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady, and this is, this lady like, saved her period blood, for like a year, it was like, menstruation's magical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's along those lines. Nah. Same thing. And this is what started that fight. She told me about that and I was like, that's fucking disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's all this crazy shit. No, there's just a whole world of this like horoscopes reel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I can't, I gotta work on that. I can't shut the fuck up. If someone says something like that, I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I said, literally, I was doing pretty good this morning. When she told me about this lady with the waist, I was just like, this lady's crazy. All I said was the lady was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This hoodie? Nah, I've been rocking this for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the cups thing, the fucking drinks. Like if you get a water, it's like a shot glass. It's like god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are some hockey Cubans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's, I would run into Americans over there and they were just like, god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's what they fucking did. Actually, you know what? I bet the Krauts would not have been down there because of the Soviets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soviet's not a big fan of the Krauts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're down in Argentina and shit. South America. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bonjour, is that what you said? Mujo. Oh, Mujo, nice. I was like, damn, bonjour, you had a rough trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have more, I was there for like, six.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there was tipping. There was only one meal we got, we got fleeced. Those commies are fake. They're trying to change things. You like that tipping, huh? Change things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Communism typically is supposed to eliminate that, but usually they don't, like Brazil, if you're black, they shit on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cleaned up that fucking kitchen, got a fucking Swiffer, got the floors, those floors were fucking repulsive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was crazy. I, we, I bought a couch and then they, it was supposed to get delivered and they were like, oh, we're out of stock. What? Here's 20 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was going on down at the Playa, dude? Did you have fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got hooked on that in Spain. I got fucking nailed by a gypsy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy, I don't know, I don't even, at the time I've like literally never did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He took a bump, and then handed it to me, and when he, er, no, I took whatever he had, I don't know what it was, then I handed it to him, and he was like, oh shit, la poesia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then I didn't know, I didn't know where my hostel was without using maps. So I just walked around Madrid for eight hours and I couldn't really speak Spanish enough. I didn't even know the name of it or my address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found it. Did you get your phone back? No, never. I didn't get my phone back until I got home. So, to America? No phone. For all those months. So how did you survive? Uh, like internet cafes, I would go. Uh huh. Yeah, I had a little shitty laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of her teeth. Gone. I thought she was like a hockey player and just was missing like one. Oh no. The rest were perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, definitely don't do that. You'll die. You can't. Alright, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I had a show in Brooklyn, and then a show, and then I did Frantic afterwards. I just got...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to wake up early to move my car, so I was driving back. As soon as I got out of the city, I was like, I gotta fucking... I'm dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I stopped and slept at the Vince Lombardi


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got anything to uh, you wanna say anything? You wanna plug anything? You gotta show us. If you're listening and you're from Prague.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I think the listeners, I opened pretty sensitive. Talk about some baby mama drama. Some fucking pedicures. You hide a lot of that shit. You're a sensitive boy. I don't hide it. I'm pretty sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 11th, I'll be at Helium Comedy Club. Come to that, please. Yeaah. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I miss you. Alright, well, great episode and see you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is it. Wait, wait, wait. When you wipe your ass, isn't that... ...face? Oh, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The back of the pickup truck, you just throw shit in a pile with a shovel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it was fucking great. It was, uh, it was incredible. Uh, they're- It is incredible. They're sexual animals. Really? Oh my god, I- Oh. Protect that girl with- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know- It's all that communism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, they literally cat, like they sound, they go, they sound like cats. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The food was great, the cuisine was great, the people were nice, but there's nothing. And it's so dilapidated that it becomes beautiful, like the whole fucking place looks like it's de- it's dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Spanish ruins. And it's, because all of it is ruined, it then becomes, you know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also got, uh, they got these, these, these side jobs where they act like, uh, so one guy will be wearing or using something that, that has an American flag on it. And they're just like, regular people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I tell them New York City and they, they have a city in America that they go to, like, oh, my brother's from, uh, Ohio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he'll pull out some shitty like Yankees or like Yankees. He has no idea what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All his goal is to get you to the cigar shop. They all have this cigar shop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, deal ended in 20 minutes. Yeah, I gotta take you to the cigar shop. And they're all over the fucking land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every night, I smoke this car every night. And it's fucking incredible. And I'm, uh, I hate on cigars. A lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had like balconies and shit, but they're savages. Don't care, call me like, the, the, the, the, the lifehacks. Cubans are savages? No, the life, the life outside of like the main ports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, it's unruly. So like, we went like three, four blocks out of like the square. And so like the second day all you hear was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't see the- you just saw like the- Was it for food or was it for their voodoo prayers? Yeah, it was fucking great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That was terrifying. You got shitfaced? And you lost it in the airport? No, no. They hand you like four or five slices of paper. You gotta fill front and back. I'm like, yeah, yeah. And I'm, I'm toasted. We slept like three, four hours the night before. I had to get up like 430.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, yea, I'll figure it out. I throw it in the, uh, in the front slide compartment in the seat ahead of me, and then I scramble to do it right before we leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go through customs. Customs there, first of all, the fucking security, it looks like a, like a, like a school cafeteria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like three or four people working, two of them are sleeping. Nobody speaks English. Nobody. They're all dressed like army. Yeah. Like, they're in fatigues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got to the point where, so here's what happens, you walk in this little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? That's the security. So I'm next. I have the same process. I hand my passport with three slices of paper. And he's like, uh, she goes, visa. And I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a half hour, 45 minutes passes. I'm talking to different levels of seniority. Nobody knows English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point I went, I don't know what the fuck you're saying. My girl, blonde. So now I'm just saying- Like my girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is how they get ya. And also, it got past the, I'm gonna have to buy a new visa and waste a hundred bucks to, I'm not getting in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude comes over, finally brings her. She doesn't have my visa. We have to convince this guy to go on the plane. This story is way too fucking long for-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the guy has to come back on the plane, I'm like, even if he comes, even if he finds the visa, knows I'm not lying, he's still gonna be like, ah, no visa, 100 dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I got back to my bag, charger, my little portable charger, uh, headphones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they did, but they adapted. Yeah, the Airbnbs adapted. We had like really high-end Airbnbs, which were only like 70 bucks a night. Like, it was like essentially overlooking Central Park there. It was fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Veradero Beach for two days and then we went back to Old Habana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. You're fucking insane. Wait, we need to see these videos. I hate to do this, but I'm gonna- No, I'm excited. It's unbelievable. Fuck. Special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real fucking special. And once you feel them fucking dogs, what's up, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Oh, they're brand new. Half of them shook your hand because they were, they were happy to see you and talk to you. Yeaah. The other half were trying to shake your hand and tell you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're- everyone's on their phone, but they're not on their phone in public. It's fucking incredible. Everything stops, dude. Amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when you go to like a pub or anywhere to smoke, even if people just talk, there's no, you don't see a cell phone unless someone's on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. But I thought to myself, my dude, a family member could be dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're missing all of it. So like, you hit that Wi-Fi, I turned off airplane mode when we came into, uh, Newark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only got hard with like one or two dudes. And some dude just kept looking. And at one point I was, oh sorry. I just went, hey, Frank!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he would stop and be like, are you Frank? He's like, no. I'm like, then what are you looking at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very safe, even in the shitty parts. You walk the shitty parts. It's shady looking, so it looks like you're walking through like, a movie set, and then you go in like some shady alley, it's like that scene in Goodfellas, like, go, go, go down there!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every alley looks like that with like small dogs with like three legs. Every dog has a limp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the guys that grew up big dicks? Yeah, she saw some ropes through- How? The linen pants, it's fucking- Did you get cucked? Like, what's his face in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Oh no, in Star Wars. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all got big dongs? Huge dongs, dude. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our Airbnb guy was, was obviously a little soft. He was, he was a gay theater dude. And he was like adamant. He's like, Cuba, so safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was kinda, they look dangerous, they really do, but if you think about it, m- most of their income comes through tourism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they actually have schooling for it, like they go to school to take care of people coming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's how they make 90% of their income, so no one's willing to fuck it up. And I don't know what the laws are behind the walls, where it's like, you know, if you rob somebody...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Americans come in, you gotta get all of your cash prior to leaving your airport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the opposite for me because I'm trying to speak softly but I don't want them to look at me like I'm fucking crazy. So I'm like, I have to put on this twang. Like I can pretend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I don't know what I'm saying, I'm gonna say Nueva Espanol, but I'm gonna, you know, I'll put a little fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, hola! We say, uh, every morning I would do that, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like nervous a whole lot because I didn't know if we were too loud the night before or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. No, it wasn't like- Oh god. No. You can't fuck through Marvel, dude. Also the places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Places are gorgeous, they're pal- they're like old- where we stayed was like old presidential palaces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For like 60, 70 bucks a night, dude. It's crazy. French stores, marble. It's, it's so beautiful. It's a different world. Obviously. God damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And right to this fuckin' furry cumdusted desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. That's a little nerve-racking, because they do a lot of those USO tours, or even just European tours with comics, but by yourself. She's setting it up, she's like, here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. Lots hidden under there. Yeah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she means after it breaks down in, in months. What's that? The compost. Compost is the breakdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nice. I won't bust your balls about that. I don't find that weird. It's weird, but I won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she wanted to. You've never gotten one? No. It's great. Oh my god dude, I got one with this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They run bottled water through their espresso machines and their coffee makers. So they, they don't have a, there's no, there's no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hospitals, we looked into one hospital, the rest of the hospitals were like an hour away next to the airport. Like you, like, imagine. If you break a leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They look like fucking rehabs. Both physically from the house, like a house rehab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one would have a, uh, the translation into English, and you go to the next one, it was the same translation to like three down. It was, you know. They were doing their best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a nightmare. No one's fat? No, there's no fatties. The women are gross. The older women are fat. No fat men. Really? Yea, cause they're all fucking working and doing things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just, and it's a racket. They probably make 20, 30 bucks a day, which is a lot. You can only make like 30 bucks a month, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also just hanging in their fucking doorways and their dogs, there's just dog shit everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was so hard for us just to get bottled water. You couldn't, you have to navigate a labyrinth of a mile to find one little market that either had soap


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And water, it was like fucking, it was like post-war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, there's no candy, there's no- I didn't need you- Did you like that? Huh? Did you like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fogars were awesome. So it was like a good change of pace for a week, but like, that would really, really wear on you. And the restaurants within, you know, let's say a half a mile of the tourist attractions were wonderful. You go beyond that, it's fucking, it's a desert, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're very happy. So yeaah, I think they're happy, but then, I don't know. I don't know if they become so accustomed, I think it's the second generation now that grew up within the rational, rational type of mentality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And socialism and communism, that maybe they don't know what the other side of the coin is. So they're just like, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the healthcare system's okay. We had to buy insurance to get there. I don't know what would have happened if we got hurt. It's a population.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to decide how many dollars you think. The best part about taking Airbnb prior to and locking everything in, you know, transportation costs from airport to Airbnb, taxi from Airbnb to Airbnb and so forth. You will lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Money for that, and then you go, okay, let's take $500 out for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whatever the fuck you want, entertainment, booze, cigars, travel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't take more than what you're allotted, you're fucked. There's no bank. You can't walk in and go, here's dollars, even if it was like not even cards, they don't take cards, you couldn't give them American dollars even though it's equal to a peso.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get to the hotel. Or get to the airport. Where we had nothing. We left with zero dollars. In fact, we tried to look to see if we could buy, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Water, because we got to the airport three hours early because we thought that chicken coop would be fucking mayhem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nothing, and we're like, I'm thirsty, there's no water fountain, you can't drink water in Cuba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, I need to, I'm up at the place and thank God we met this girl from Utah by chance. She overheard me and her almost getting in a fight about survivors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She walks up to me, she's like, here, what do you want to, will you want a beer and water or something? Here. She gives me, she, it's like six pesos. Oh nice. Do you think you're a human? Cause you're a dance king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when you go to, like, the tourist attractions, mostly French, Canadians, uh, German, we heard a bunch of Germans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point instead of saying no thank you, I was just going no mas. So the guy would be like, taxi? I'd be like, no mas. So I'm just telling this dude, no more taxis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three sausages, blood sausages, uh, chorizo, uh, a pork sausage. We had a, uh, a Cubano panini that was like this big. It was like eight bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By lard? By lard. They by lard in the streets. We saw a couple, uh, uh, kid, kid routines. That was kinda hot. Cause they look older than they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm just trying to get her fired up. We saw some, some street routines and there's no like, there's no- Are there any black people down there? Yea. You don't know about slavery? It happens everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was. The large population of Cubans are black. Dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, all ranges. But there's no like, uh, strife between them or anything? Yeah, probably. I didn't see any classes. Communism too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard this guy talking at the art museum. He's giving a tour. We went to the art museum and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, I don't know, pack of like 20 old men and women are getting a, uh, audio tour by this, you know, bilingual, uh, guide and he was saying the only,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Racism and sexism that occurs currently today is, is gays. They're against gays and some women. Working women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know if you noticed, the woman that drove our taxi from the last Airbnb to the airport, every dude that would pass, they would just laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should move to Cuba. Even that, even that in the 50s. Like, they looked at her like, please sit back here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you love that, dude, that plug your butt. Your face is committing a crime in that country. This is not for you. No Jews? You should go. No. It's all one Jew. Right? You spotted a Jew in Cuba? Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was he doing? Probably looking at me, wondering if we should talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. They all look alike. Every breed looks alike. Man, I am dark. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. Look at the white coming off there. It looks like the reflector of a license plate. Jesus fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's alright. Fuck you! You get to find another one that's similar. Listen to him, this is your fucking Cuba money over here. Oh, it's only 20 bucks, no big deal. No, they gave you free 20 bucks, that's that season. Keep doing it until you get a free couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found out I have an allergic reaction to guava. Burped it up all day long every day. Really? Yeah, you ever had guava? No. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yeah, completely exhausting. Sounds like a dream. Dude, it was incredible. Just partied all day. Running around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had one dude ask us if he's like, you fiesta? You wanna fiesta? And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asking us to come to a bar, but I think- Oh, for Cocaina?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see, I don't think that because they're all, they're all like dead set on getting a foreigner to a location, whether it's for cigars or, or a taxi or, uh, a bar. If they bring you in, they'll get a piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I show up and immediately I walk in and she's arguing with the bartender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. I got beaten to Times Square and I still think about it cause the dude was, it was, it's not a good story like that. That was a wonderful story. It was just some dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like 20 an ounce or a 20 a gram or whatever. And I was like, he makes me in this little alcove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he does what like any good drug dealer would do. He's like, I'll let you taste it. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a little, a quick, it wasn't even a bump, it was like a fucking, just a, just to make sure there's some action. And I never thought about this, but there was nothing on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put it on my tongue so it made this like numbing fizz thing and I was like I'll take a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, this is not fucking high school. I've been there, I've done it. And I gave this dude a hundred dollars. And I took this shit home, so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had like a, uh, party I was going to and I was like, oh, this is aww. It's just kids. Fizzy candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was still to this day. I think about it once every three hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can tell you how many times I run my finger over like a, like a toilet dispensary, toilet dispenser for like coke, think it was coke, and just drywall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude's like keying a drywall on your-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, don't do that. Yeah, I do it a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, no joke, there'd be times where you could pick old, so, I don't know if you were- Oh, there was a bar like that in Wilmington. You weren't in Philly yet. You did not have to get Coke, you could just go to this bar and just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, O'Shea's, exactly, O'Shea's had two drug dealers that would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there'd be all the regular guys, and dudes would walk in, and I noticed after a while, like, oh fuck, he's just dealing, dealing bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I remember meeting, uh, the bartender and eventually I was like, Hey, what's going on? So he would, he'd pass off, uh, a bag of drugs and then there'd be so much traffic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That if you went into the bathroom at any given moment, especially weekends, because people would come in, they wouldn't even drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude eventually got locked up, which put the whole system down. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the owners would watch the cameras but didn't do shit about it. You can go into the bathroom and there'd be the toilet, uh, the toilets, whatever you call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, but not like dealt for you, but like little rocks. And then on the sink itself, in the corners, rocks. Ah, you guys. Rocks? Dude, you could pick them up, put them on the fucking toilet thing, crush them out. You couldn't, it was too much to do. That's how much. Yeaah, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have a big enough dick, it'll- Mine'll- I get a couple bounces. When I take mine out, it goes boing, boing, boing. It stabilizes quick. It's like boing, boing, boing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, how about that Chinese guy sleeping today in the massage chair? That's why he wasn't Chinese. Yea, he was definitely a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy probably has a huge dick too. You need at least 8 inches of sleep and a turnpike rest stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so after you take, like, I thought it was a gym, it's a yoga class, so after you get, like, you're sweaty, you shower at a yoga class, and usually I bring my boxers in, so I'm like, and for some reason you got this idea, I'm like, that's immature, dude. These other older guys are naked, you just get naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just get naked and just like, take that step in life where you can be a naked dude. Is this like recent or is this in college?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did yoga like, uh, a long time ago, dude. Really? During my first marriage, yea. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got out of the ocean one time. It's temperature. I was at, I went to a wedding. I had like, I went at someone's date and we were like swimming in the ocean. It was like October. It was kind of cold or no. You're swimming in the water. It was like late September. It's still kind of warm. Crazy guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like kinda cold and we took a shower together. I've, we've never, I've never gotten naked in front of this person. Pulled out my dick, full bowling pin dick. We were both just like, yeaah. I was kinda like, eyes up, eyes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depends on the vibe for me, like I've been with my girlfriend for a while, but like if there's like some sort of bad blood in the air, I won't let her see my penis. True. If she's kinda mad at me and I'm like not really rocking something decent, I'll like kinda hesitate outside the room like, I can't go in yet dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want her to like, while we're fighting to even like, the day to come if she would like, criticize my penis during a fight, I would be like, you're done. Over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny. It is funny, but god damn it. Nah, there's no fear. Aw man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an emotional man. I've been crying lately. I just emote, that's what I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you grind them up, put them in a jar in the freezer, and every third morning, a little bit, and a fucking tea, hit it, and go about your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does your body, your body adapts to the point where like you're not just getting super high? You don't get, when you just take a little bit, you don't get, it's not like weed. Like any, if I eat an edible, I'm like fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, yeah. Feel good. Great, and you're not like slow, like with weed I get dumb and I forget all my thoughts and I'm just kinda like, uuuh, what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I've tried acid once, I was just like, I didn't do enough, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like mushrooms as they grow and I know what they are. Acid, acid freaks me out where it's like, you know, you get like 2CB and all those weird synthetics and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm waiting til like I know for a fact that it's LSD 25. Scientific term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you had those little chocolate boys I made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not ver- I'm a poor mathematician when it comes to baking and military damage, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't mix with alcohol. I did, I ate, one time I ate like a quarter ounce, and I was, I was drunk, same thing, came home, I was like, I'll eat these things, and like- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my idea when I was like 22, I was just like, I'm gonna grow weed, save up $3000, then move to Brazil, and then I tried to grow weed and failed, and then I started doing stand up comedy, and here I am!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you feel, you just feel like, it just feels a little warm, you feel like. Yea, just kind of all your, for me, all my normal like, mental chatter and like, usual anxiety of like, if I go somewhere and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have supercomputers now, like Facebook, all those big companies where they're doing a simulation with basically all of the data we're putting into these things to try to predict how the future's gonna go. Does that make sense to you guys? I don't know if you guys know much about quantum computing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really strong machines to see like how the future is going to go and see if they can actually predict the future.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based on the billions of bits of data that everyone around the world puts into these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking propping up, propping up, uh, dudes in like, in Brazil, like right-wing dictators, like shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being like, alright, well, these people, if you say this, they'll vote for you. Just say this. Cause we just took the metadata from billions of people and people like this kind of thing. Just say that and they'll elect you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jim, you're the best. I really- I just admired him for a long time. Just shit your mind, man. I mean, fuck, it's- I was watching a thing about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been watching stuff about chaos theory, dude it's fucking, that stuff's wild too. Glorious jelly bean you are. Is what it is. What you looking for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, things are good. I like, I like when Kanye, when the journalist is like, well how do you feel about Trump's like, some of the things he says are like perceived as racist or whatever and Kanye's like, he gives us like five minute answer and he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, we're on the same, me and him are on the fucking- Remember, I was talking about our podcast, I was talking about the documentary, he shared it like literally three weeks later. Sentry of the Self.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to change schools to where like, meditation is a class, instead of like, just memorizing shit, you go in and meditate. That should help. And there's places with, oh, definitely dude. And there's places with like, you would just go into a center like this. I think it would. Meditation class? Yea, if you were in school and they told you how to actually like, control your emotions, rather than be like, name the capitals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what I'm saying. I wish they'd had me do stuff that was like more worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, you gotta loosen, you gotta big hog, you gotta loosen that thing up. And it was, it felt like, like eh, it was a, it was a hard pull. Hard pull. Couldn't clean that, that's, I literally caught ringworm from my fleshlight on my dick. Jesus, Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I uhm, yeah, I ordered one and they sent me two for some reason so I gave one to Shane. One of the best moments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They feel too good, they feel like, a little too good for jerking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? What's weird about that? Your dick will get all chafed up unless you have that extra skin around it. Matt's very anti-circ. That's where you hit it. Do you jerk off from the base? Do you do like a very bottom of the dick jerk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking now, nah, I'm a 32 year old man. I come once every two days. So it's like... Once every how many days? Two days. I can't come five times a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting down to brass tacks. Not many, not many chicks are opposed to the CP, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The what? Not a lot of girls are opposed to the CP. The CP? Cream pie, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why we're here. Okay, dude. That's why we're here doing this podcast. Your dad was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All your, all your callers say the n-word? No, just that one guy. Who's this guy? Set him through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna make a good time talking about dads jerkin' off? All you gotta do is just let him say it like a hundred times and be like, okay cool, and then they'll be done with it. You guys are getting bullied, you have to just be like, yeah dude, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta fucking, you gotta, you gotta dissect these guys. You gotta send them through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are locked in a perpetual... Hey Matt, remember when I told you you were a gorgeous little jelly bean? Take the calls. You guys gotta confront this head on, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about biological weapons? They're not gonna use bombs like that. The apocalypse is gonna be biological weapons. I mean, maybe, but I doubt it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get this, if you see Zuck, fucking, hit him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about them biting it every time you put a millisecond expectation on them. Miami, what happened? Talk shit about Miami, they fucked them up last year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you from, Long Island? Yeah, Long Island, bro. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was basically like, the commandante is perfect and here he is with peasants who he always supported. And then I would repeat that, like, for three captions and you're like, well, what are we reading?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the government has like a cap on how much you can make as a citizen, $30 a month. That's it. So unless you have your own independent like business, you're not making any more money than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's anything like the restaurants that we went to where we would order things and they'd be like, we're out of this, we're out of that, we're out of this. The hospital, I imagine, is the same way. They'd be like, oh, you need antibiotics, we're out, we're out, we're out. Like, it wouldn't be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got nervous and took out a little extra money before we left, like we both said, let's take, let's take this amount of money out. And I was like, well, maybe we'll need a little extra. If I hadn't done that, we would have been like begging for water on this case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what they're dependent on for their income is tips and if you, if you own like a restaurant, everything you're making is tips. If you own Casa particular, which is where you like host or Airbnb. Yeah. Everything is tips. Otherwise you're making $30 a month. Yeah, that's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like they don't. I feel like things are very strict and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't get your, uh, your dick hard, right? Mmm, yeaah. Oh yeaah. Yeaah. Alright. Yeaah, not too long ago, a few months ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, your, your, I would say your comedy is sensual in a way that like a good like groove is. But I'm saying now imagine that groove also had a guy like doing, like saying, I'm going to, please let me eat your pussy. Please, I want to eat your pussy. You're not, you're not taking it over the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One's receptive and one is, uh, aggressive. Create the environment for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you just been like picking up heavy stuff around the house? Like, wow, this isn't even that heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like dude, how great, like there's the, what I should be thinking is like, there's no greater accomplishment than like to see yourself reflected in your child. That's the, like, you know, it doesn't sound like the best, but then at the same kind of time, you're kind of like, oh man, I thought that you could have like maybe seen what I'm doing and then figured out something a little bit better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so she, I don't know, yeah, she's, she's the fucking best. But like, I know what you mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about, think about the percentage of his daily satisfaction came from having that milkshake. The majority. The entire day hinged on getting that milkshake. The majority of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your dad do this? We had a high likelihood, like if we just happened upon someone selling like sausage sandwiches, it would be like, we could grab some of those, like everywhere you went. If someone was selling hot dogs or something, we could grab a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever gone to like a water park and looked at couples and just like thought about how many of them want to just fight each other at any given time? Yeah. Oh yeah. I'd say like 70% of water park couples do it at any time, hear a whistle and go to blows with each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are walking to their own door and they can see down into your open front door for no reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Oh man. Yeah. Lady screaming and then slamming a door and the dude's still outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you just, you know what happens is I think you miss a couple of social cues at key points along the way and you don't, you don't end up like progressing through a couple of like gates of development. Yes. And then you're just stuck there until you get hammered out. That's, that's my experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I'm trying to imagine where do you encounter these types of people. I think I'm close to understanding what you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever see like a red-faced bald dad at like a party place like that, and you're just like, damn, this dude could explode at any time. You know what I'm talking about? Like a goatee, like a goatee, bald dad, and just like red cheeks, stiff shoulders. Yeah, I have seen that before. That's a common like terrible energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that's probably like a healthy exercise to do is create a, create a cosmic prison for the haters in your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in my, in my IT consulting days, uh, one of the offices I visited, there was a guy who was, uh, he was like working his way up the company. He was a big shot, but he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you know how at a certain point you stop getting wider and you get taller? It's like they expanded outward in both ways the whole time. So they just, they look like a big ogre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He revealed that uhm, he was engaged and he and his wife had saved each other for marriage, saved themselves for the wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was like 25-26 years old and he and his virgin wife were saving themselves for their wedding night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I, I dunno. I think saving himself for marriage, like completely, like he'd locked his entire personality away so that it didn't drive him crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't, that wasn't what happened. Did you form a path? Did you form a plan from where you were at to having


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just like non-stop. Oh man, what a fun fertility clinic to work at in your town. Just watching people's lives unfold all day. Like there's no way, I mean, how many paternity tests can be in another town like that? See, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like co-parenting is such a big deal now. Like everyone's striving to be the best co-parent and I think in like the 90's people would try to be motherfuckers to each other. Like almost universally. Oh for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. And now people get like very big, like co-parenting is so serious. It's such a, it's, it's so worth the effort. You put in, when you put it into it, you get out of it. And it's just like, this, this is going to lead to, I think, more dudes walking into Wawa with an AR-15 and killing their life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so it's like, okay, we both, we both want out of the relationship. It's like we could, if we're both cool, the kid won't be that much of a problem for either of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, yeaah. My one brother is exactly who you're talking about. Really? Yeaah. Oh, that sucks. Yeaah. Well, I mean, I don't give a fuck. I don't like him. That's fair. I was like, damn, that was a big daytime TV laying on the floor ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walk past them on the way out, walk past them on the way in. It's like, okay dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. And then, uh, wait, you're saying a 13 year old black guy will look like an eight year old child. Yeah. You said, and you're saying that's a commonly held perception.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he runs over a baby carriage with a bus? Everyone's going to be like, okay, we should have probably taken this more seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, I have total faith in this guy. No way. What if there's like a criminal running away from a cop on foot and he pushes a baby stroller out of the way into the street and the bus runs it over and he smashes the baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would get them, I would get them to write like a punitive statement, like I will not hijack trains and buses anymore. I'd make it right. I'd make it right. I'm like 50 times. We had to do that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was just a weekend with a lady, and you know, we had a thing, and then the stuff happened, and then, uh, I'm here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you meet her? There's no story. It's like a, it's like a, it's like a, uh, an established thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, it was a pretty good notch though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen enough, I don't think, if I'm comparing, but like, it's like- It's not porn, I mean real life dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obama funeral is gonna be dope, isn't it? It's gonna be crazy. Damn. It's gonna be sad, man. I'm gonna cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you experienced any like, cop shit? Like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I, uh, yeah, I've slipped up sometimes. I've made people not like me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plug wise, just, uh, I run a show called Speak Easy Comedy in Philadelphia every second Friday of the month. The next one's December 12th. You guys should come out. It's at a bar called Callahan's Bar on South Street. It's like, it's like right next to the bridge. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like special? No, but like- No, I mean crowd. Oh, yeah, there's a pretty decent crowd. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's some pretty decent crowds, pictures. It's a full bar, actually. It's like a full bar usual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When do you cum, do you cum ropes or are you a dribble man? Depends, great question, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Football was my sport. You look at your football. Yeaah, I played football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, this is, uh, Fair One with Tommy Pope and usually Shane Gillis. Uh, Shane is not here today, uh, when we're all sad about it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Starting stand up comedy sets with just burying yourself and it's not like it's not purposeful. I think I just have this and I guess they also have this innate energy. That's just like say something fucking dumb and have 85% of the crowd absolutely despise you and then see if you can get out. I've actually figured out how to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna put my glasses on. Yeah. Yeah, so I can see this. Sorry mom, if you're listening. She's not listening. He's a great man. Yeah, this is a desolate...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Desolate environment, and it's kinda nice. You're not, you're not used to this. There's usually three meatbags, usually hefty little fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rolly polly men on that couch, crushing that cushion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, just big hairy sweaty fuckin' meatbags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For what? For you? Yeaah, I guess. Thanks though. Thanks, Tyler. I know what you're saying right now. Look how empty and, oh man, it's so, it's so, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my best friends, you are legitimately hilarious and we're gonna get into some stories, but uh, but I'm gonna tell you why I have soft hair today first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, throwing touchdowns might make- That's how. Yeah, up until I was like 18. And it's just, your hair starts to shift and take care of itself. The helmet. Yeah, when you're just fingering in parking lots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always look good and uhm, uh, I put on coconut oil on my face at night before going to bed now. It's a new thing. I take care of it. I put moisturizer on three times a day. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, I'm absolutely not. But I beat the fuck out of my insides. And I'm an animal elsewhere. So I go, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? You got that fucking, that pirate- Get it from my dad. He's dead. He's hairless now. It all fell out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're still doing that classic. Your father was like a local legend from, so Tyler is, is from, uh, like I said, the, the, the boondocks, like, uh, like, like Shane is. And your father was a legendary basketball coach. Coach, yea. And Shane's dad was a football coach, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see it or did you watch? Uh, no, I just broke up, broke open the door and, and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom was like, for the first time ever, my mom was like in the middle of the mattress and it was like a full king. Like, mom, mom, mom, Duke doesn't go anywhere beyond like the bread crust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like when I was an adult, like beyond 13 years old, I didn't see my parents fucking. No, because they don't anymore. They hate, they despise one another. I mean, they're friends, but good lord, my dad would fuck a blender before my mom. 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just because it was, unless it was a drugger to the middle of the bed. And yeah. Wow, his hands were, he was doing something crazy. Yeah, because he made a move, he made a move when the door s-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's genetics, but it's also muscle memory from, from years of, of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Training. You're training for nothing. I mean like, outside of the muscle memory. Yeah. Later in life, I'm glad that that was the case, but we were on the field, or the court, every single season, back to back to back, baseball, basketball, football. Every single season. In the Catholic League in Philly.


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[Assistant] And then Catholic all the way to college. We have a picture of uhm, Tommy giving dating advice.


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[Assistant] It's that time frame that we live together. Best story. In the bus. Yea, the fucking deal with the check.


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[Assistant] Also, Kerry will tell you that I have the worst wet brain. And I did a little research on this. You need trauma for it to place a hard stamp in your memory. Really? Typically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I specifically, but okay, you need to either be like, it's like when you're in a moment of like getting your, you know, getting punched or seeing someone violently injured or, or something sexual or, or yeah, see that was a, that was a, that was a very traumatic and severe


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[Assistant] I'll never forget that outline. No. So this is why I wasn't really...


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[Assistant] There was no trauma. Weird. Yeah, but it was extremely unique. But for you, it's kind of traumatic. I mean, that's just a strange fucking scenario. Tell us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, uh, Louis J Gomez's real podcast, uh, real podcast today. And like it, the conversation was brought up like.


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[Assistant] It's weird. God, it's so fucking weird. And it's also not interesting. Like, not just being sober, I mean like, just comedy.


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[Assistant] Did you do it? Uh, yeaah. Yeaah. Uh, addiction's a choice. You wanna put money on it?


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[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait, wait, so what's not fun about tonight? I'm drinking.


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[Assistant] I disagree. Really? Yeah, 100%. You're not a day drinker? You gotta navigate through many more assholes. Hmm, we're gonna have to- Day drinking's fun.


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[Assistant] I think the most I've done in the past, uh, few, few months was like three days off, two days off.


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[Assistant] Also, all that's bullshit. It's just like juice clenches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to the gym, cleans out your whole system. Today I went to Equinox, you ever been to Equinox?


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[Assistant] Goma signed me in for Equinox, that's why my hair's all fluffy and no product. Unfucking believable. I did a hot steam. Do you know what Equinox is? No. It's like the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go to New York Sports Club. Planet Fitness is fuckin', that is, uh, that is- The Kmart? That's Iraq. Yeah. Iraq, shit. And then, New York Sports Club is like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Louis tried to warn me, he's like, yeaah, uh, he pays like $2.50 a month or something. He goes to the hotel.


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[Assistant] The private restrooms and the sauna are larger than my New York sports club and there's three floors. Everything's pristine. When you go on the treadmill, you can select your location and it's visually like, I took a mile and a half run through Tibet, the streets of Tibet.


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[Assistant] I've also been on, uh, yeaah, on your couch for three months. But like all of my accolades in, in, in this industry thus far have not


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[Assistant] So, when I tried to breathe through my nose, it burned. Yeah, yeah, no, it sounds- I couldn't- And then I saw- What was good about it? Uh, once you got past that- Once you survived? Great question. When I left, and they have like disposable razors and all this like great keels like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hand and, and, uh, and face lotions. Just things that, uh, that when you're a real pussy, uh, you really start to...


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[Assistant] This is expensive. I know. I'm just saying if you had like a regular job that you didn't wanna...


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[Assistant] That's why I can't, I can't, I can't spew this fucking passion at somebody that doesn't really go to the gym.


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[Assistant] Whippin' around in this? No, because there is a nostalgia to that filth. And I get it. Get it. But, that's only because you're still in the filth.


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[Assistant] It's a gym. No, don't do that. I did that earlier today. It's a gym, Tommy.


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[Assistant] Nice. The women are gorgeous. The guys are hot. It's nice. Everybody around you is like...


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[Assistant] No, you won't stick around. I don't wanna stick around. Okay, I gotta go. What gym do you go to? Plano Fitness? Where? Bethlehem. Oh Jesus fuck.


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[Assistant] Last time I was in Bethlehem, I was dating this girl and then my brother steeled her. Ooh.


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[Assistant] On New Year's, New Year's Day, and he sent me a message going, it's your brother's birthday, uh, why don't you reach out, it might be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, oh, oh, is it New Year's Day? And also he was like, it might be a good gesture to reach out to him. And I was like, are you fucking, are you out of your mind?


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[Assistant] There's been none, none. No, in fact, I told my dad the next time I'm gonna see him will be his funeral.


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[Assistant] It's true. I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just like... That's alright, then maybe I'll have a couple nice words.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and the fact that my parents are, uh, they're okay with it. They want to go visit, uh, visit them in, uh, Santa Barbara.


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[Assistant] It's so ridiculous. That's crazy. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy.


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[Assistant] To be honest with you, it gets to the point where it's like, I get maniacal about it.


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[Assistant] Absolutely. I told my dad. Tell me one. I was, well, I, I went home for Christmas and Thanksgiving and I usually don't go home for both. And I told- Just wanted them there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little, it's bad though, because the imagination starts to bleed into your, your, your subconscious, and then I can't sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the difference? The trauma, lack of trauma in your story. Lots of trauma in my story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I forgot so much shit. Like- What's the most traumatic thing, uh, besides your dad dying twice? Tonight. Uh, the most traumatic thing? It's ever happened to you. Like, what do you think to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't. You shouldn't. It's more impactful to you directly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, your ex probably would have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. But, uh, I'm fine. What side of the bleachers, I imagine, like, where your mom sat during your high school days? She sat on my side. Oh, it was your side? Yea, my side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are you, where are you at with the nail? Cause you're doing these, you, like, hostess, like...


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[Assistant] This is nice. This is a very dramatic conversation we have right now. We don't usually get this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see what's great when you don't have fucking 13, 13 beluga whales, beluga whales on the couch. You get some, some real feelings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the, the relationship was so different between...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come to find out he's just a, he's just a guy. He was just a regular guy that everybody, you know, raised him for.


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[Assistant] Isn't that cool? Yeah, see, this is also, I kinda like how, like, our generation, you couldn't connect the dots. Like, my wet brain can't connect all the dots, right? Yeah. Nowadays, everything's documented, so you're gonna have Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Conversations, you're gonna have pictures, like we didn't, we had Polaroid pictures during like birthday parties and shit, like, if we were...


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[Assistant] 21 years old now, all of our uncles, by the time we're 35, aunts and uncles, we can paste all together like this fucking, this collage of serial killers. Like, oh my, I'm, I come from, yeah, videos, I come from a line of degenerates.


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[Assistant] So your, your, your hands are floozy. Your hands are loose, loosey goosey. Which, which, is it depth?


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[Assistant] So what's your relationship with your family now? Do you have like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you're close to your mother. I'm, I mean, yeah. Your mom, mom Dukes is always out at shows. Yeah, she comes out. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fuckin' Rick. He's a cop, yeah. Rick the cop. The cop, they broke up. Damn. Fuck, how's she doing? Cold bed, huh? She's out, man. She's out there. She's out there?


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[Assistant] I said that to my mother completely honestly. Completely and honestly.


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[Assistant] She, she had Crohn's disease. She has Crohn's disease. And she lost a lot of weight due to Crohn's disease. She looks great.


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[Assistant] And I was like, look, it's no secret she's not getting knocked around. I was like, go take a shift at the hospital and just get fucking, take one from a doctor, an old night nurse, just get fucking plowed. She's cute. Yeah. Your mom's a good looking woman. I bet you just, I told her, I said, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets struck hard enough, maybe an old license plate will fall out. You know what I mean? Old set of car keys. Yeaah, it's like a... An old rookie card.


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[Assistant] This guy was in American Pie I think. Was he? That's also 15 years after this.


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[Assistant] That's, that's why they were cursed. They're so fucking long. Speaking of, dude.


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[Assistant] Well, he's breaking, you know, almost every record.


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[Assistant] Do you know where he's from? Jersey? Your mid-jersey? I believe.


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[Assistant] Is that real? I don't know. I don't know. I think he's somewhere in Jersey. Uhm, that's why he became like a Philly fan.


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[Assistant] No, God no, no. My best friend got drafted by the Red Sox. He was...


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[Assistant] Just lights out, but he got drafted at 23, which is like fucking late. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] You're still kickin' around? You're fighting against 16-year-old Dominicans in the fuckin' farm system. Seriously, 16, 17 years old. He said he would go into a dugout and it's like, you're 23, just startin' in the, in the AAA, you're, you're already toast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all based on, uh, signing bonus. So if the, if the club signs the first baseman that you're up against to $300,000 signing bonus, they give you 30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's a few that are like, he went undercover for like three years.


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[Assistant] She's int- like, she's skinny, man. Yeah, she worse than, uh, what's that other pig's name, uh, uh, Redhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's insane. They're like in Greece or something? I don't know. So yea, it's some resort and she's like dancing around and she's so crazy. Who's green lighting this stuff? I don't know, I mean like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a shame because she's a fucking train wreck and they're just watching her demise. Uh, when I say they are, I mean I am.


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[Assistant] She still has great boobs. The rest of her is like a skeleton, you know, melting off a hanger.


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[Assistant] Man. God, she looks like a chicken nugget on their fryer. Oof. Haday!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That's a mental disorder. That's a shame. She looks like, uh, what's that old lady in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest takeaway from that whole situation was I got recognized at the gym by a lot of guys that I respected. Equinox. Yeaah. No, not Equinox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, nah, I have no idea, Tyler. But one day, one day I'll look like fuckin' Magda on a beach. Yeaah. I'm gonna lose all this fuckin' roped muscle. All this, uh, tell us about golf.


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[Assistant] It's almost like I told you I have cancer, and you're just coming at me with all these compliments, cause this is fucking, is this what happens when Shane's not here? I'm just getting all the fucking love.


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[Assistant] I drink six, seven beers. That's a thousand, maybe fifteen hundred calories.


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[Assistant] No, no, I just had a fucking, uh, double fried chicken sandwich, a hot dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you do, you're doing intermittent fasting? Yea, I was, I fasted for 20, almost 22 hours. Yea, I'm not doing that shit. I'm not, I'm hungry, like, I like to eat late at night. Well, you know what, maybe it's just not all natural then. That's true, maybe. That's what I'm telling you. Golf swing is though. Golf swing. Also, took a lot of work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't get by on a, like a basketball scholarship, you're just a regular-


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[Assistant] The odds are so stacked against you. I'm a 5'10 quarterback, suck my dick.


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[Assistant] There's only a couple Doug Fluties in the world, you're not gonna make it. Oh, you're right. And of course, just you. Just you. Your raw talents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I get there, I'm like, oh, this is fucking great. And then I see some dickhead that's either trying to initiate a fight or say something smart ass because they want to rebuttal. And then you're like, well, I don't, I don't have the...


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[Assistant] I got fucked up a few times. Not 101 though, never 101.


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[Assistant] All my face scars are from the greatest fight of all time that I've told too many times. I won't tell. I love that. I didn't even tell it here.


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[Assistant] I won't tell it again. But it's fucking unbelievable. It was the greatest time of my life. The greatest time of my life. Still to this day, someone's like, what, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go Equinox, and then getting a bottle across the face, and fighting on three floors of a bar like it was fucking Roadhouse. God damn it, I'm hard. What a wonderful time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, Dustin's the one with the ears, right? Doesn't he have cauliflowers? Yea, yea, yea. He's a tough guy. He's a wrestler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what about that linebacker who's, uh, his brother, or he's a cornerback. He just got dressed by the Seahawks. I think it's- That dude's like one of those things, like an elbow with fingers on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like that, it's like that. But those like trolley gummy bear octopus things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fight that I was in Kutztown was with my buddy who was the ATF agent and he was dressed like uhm, he was dressed in leotards like a WWF guy. And it was me and my brother, him and his brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother put his, like, leg out and like, uh, this dude tripped over his foot and got smart. And our, our fight.


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[Assistant] Took us all out the front door and like we squeezed and funneled through. And I remember like when, when I got off.


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[Assistant] And, and saw like a clear path. He was in leotards. His top was all the way down, so it's just his tits are out. And his wig is like sideways. And he's uppercutting this dude. It looked so much like the WWF guy he was trying to emulate. Is it Halloween?


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[Assistant] But nah, maybe it wasn't Piper, maybe it wasn't Piper. Who's the blonde?


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[Assistant] Definitely wasn't Piper. Blonde and he wore, uh, like red tights. Or Hogan. Maybe it was Hogan. I don't know. Again, I wasn't a fucking twonk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were known for having like the best costume. And one year, thank God again, to go back to like not having pictures, like to permanently capture these moments, one year was just after Abu Grape and he dressed as that, that cop that got, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember he had like those gloves on. He's in full cop gear with like bright blue gloves and he put a leash on me and I had a, an orange jumpsuit. Hell yea. Yeah, so I got it on all fours and we went to like, we just went out to like Finnegan's Wake on like 3rd street in fucking Spring Garden. Like we went to these bars where you would have contests and we'd almost always come within like a, you know, first, second, third and one year


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it. And he looks in the corner of his parents basement.


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[Assistant] And there's a giant white full-size stuffed Siberian tiger.


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[Assistant] So he tells me what the, what the costume, I'm like, this is fucking incredible.


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[Assistant] Unbelievable. It was like weeks, maybe a week, week and a half. No one would think like that. That's very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cause he's 6'4". Right. And the tiger was literally full size that when he tied the, the pawls around his neck, permanently.


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[Assistant] Back feet didn't drag. For me, half the fucking things, I was crawling on the floor so I was like, I'll be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just the other guy, right? So we go to this, uh, this, uh, this Halloween store that's the Indian Post or something. It's called...


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[Assistant] Famous Halloween store. You know you're from a white trash town when you have a famous Halloween store. Right, right. And we got the latex, he puts the glued latex, some blood, and we go out and we get sequined suits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're Elvis suits. He's wearing an all white sequin Elvis suit. I'm wearing an all black sequin Elvis suit. We walk up this place is mobbed. It's fucked. The bar is mobbed. There's, there's people around the block waiting to get in. Once you get in, you can't find a drink unless someone comes around to hand you stuff. And throughout the night they would take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The top ti- like at one point when the- when the costume-


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[Assistant] You go in the back, place is fucking nuts, they stand you up in the bar and they parade you around the bar. It's a big long...


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[Assistant] Ben, like this. Everybody's drunk. Everybody's fucking having, you're looking down. It's like, for me, it was the first time I ever performed. Cause I was like, I've never seen...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the worst part. So like anytime he went to take a piss, I was just a fucking Puerto Rican in a sequin suit. I had no other costume. I just looked like a gay dude drinking a Bud Light. You know it's Halloween. What are you doing, dude? Call your dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they paraded us up and down this bar and the guy would like, uhm, he'd hold a hand over each person. They broke it down to the top five. Did he put one over you and then one over-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they brought, oh, it's top four, and there was one, one dude, then us, and then somebody else, and then another person, and they held their hand over the first person, and there was like somewhat of a cheer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this is what life, they gave us 600 bucks in cash. I remember we split it at the bar, I put it underneath, like I was wearing like work boots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took a girl home to like the Red Roof Inn on fucking... Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well, I think, uh, I get that a lot from, like, just friends too, like, uh, I need to pace myself. They get excited and they start, they go one for one. Uh-huh. I meet them at, like, four and the show's at, like, eight. I'm like, just, take the breaks. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or we end up getting drugs and you know, shuffling off to some weird fucking part of town. What's the weirdest drug story you have? Do you have any drug stories?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, Tyler. I don't do drugs. Good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was gonna get like, I thought I was gonna say I shit myself in a cop car. No, no, no. No cops. Never, you never had like any weird, like, no hookers, no like, you've never been in like a crack den or a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But one that I come back to, I've never told this story before, especially not on the show, but, uh, I got picked up from a week in Philly. I did like a feature week in Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she took a cab from Center City 18th and Sampson all the way to Northeast Philly, which is like 35 minutes. It's a fucking hike. And she shows up at this and doing bumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of coke in the back of the taxi and then show up at this house, this stranded, secluded house in Northeast Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like that scene in Home Alone where you see like the Michael Jordan thing like rolling around. Were you scared?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes. Were you just- 100%. I wasn't scared at first.


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[Assistant] And I'll tell you what really fucking shook me. I don't know, did I tell this story? No, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, not recent. I'm 39. So it was a while ago, but it was like, I'm recent in the comedy. Who's in this house? He's 31, 32. Uhm, so it was a three story giant secluded home on a dead end street in Northeast Philly, like Busselton and Bybury, like bad part of Northeast. And I walk in, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She sits me on the couch, there's people around, just trying to be friendly, and everyone's like, I can tell. People are fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm, I'm drunk and high and there's a lot of activity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot of people of colors, different colors. Tom, shut the fuck up and tell the story. So, uh, this girl makes a beeline for the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I was just gonna get a beer, he sits me down for a beer, and finally I'm finishing this beer by myself on the couch. I don't know how much time passed, maybe 20 minutes. I gotta piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now I'm trying to find this fucking, this old dude to look for the bathroom. Like, you know what, I'm just gonna go upstairs. I'm gonna find the bathroom myself. This is when I got scared. Go up the steps, there's three bedrooms. I pass one bedroom, it's faint lighting of someone getting fucked. And it's like multiple people. I don't know if it was like a train or an orgy. Just a lot of, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was afraid that like, lock eyes, kept walking, another room, it was cracked, noises, couldn't hear, couldn't see anything in that one too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I'm, what I assume is the bathroom. I go to grab the knob. This is where I really got scared. Some dude walks out. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When a, when a man that's super scary stares at you, like I, I was such a coward, like I sh- like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I consider myself tough sometimes, but like, I can at least pretend to be tough. This dude looked through me, and I was like, oh man, like, he already had- Yea, this is serious people. Yea, he was fucking serious, and he had like, legit teardrops, it wasn't like, some fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, peacock feather me, he was just like fucking just dead inside to begin with, and I was so- You got product in your hair, and you're like, what? My hair was perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, literally fucked me up. I pissed, went downstairs and went right out the outside. I was like, this is, this is an environment that either he like wants to be dead or if I stick around long enough, I'll get fucked up. It just beat the fuck out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walk out the house and I start like walking down the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably a mile and a half, two miles to get to a main road. No cell phone. No cell phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no, no means to, to call anyone. Had to go to a main drag. You got a cab. And thank God I had like 30 bucks on me and I was like, just take me anywhere you can towards Center City. And they couldn't even reach me to Center City. And you're like Northern Liberty Center. Did you learn a lesson? No. No. No, no. Absolutely not. I'm still friends with him. He's on next week. Yeah, yeah. Kerry's the girl I met.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's insane. You could relax enough to sleep on the streets of Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he, he's like, I'm just gonna go sleep in my car. And I was like, don't do it. It's West Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do it. He woke up to a dude holding a gun. Only took his keys.


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[Assistant] And robbed him of his change. And then he comes back and he's like, some dude just held me up from my, from my car keys. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he's coming back with a car. He goes, nah, you won't. I'll call the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cops are like, yeah, we'll keep an eye out for you. I'm like, it's West Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can put flowers next to my grave. I will. Yea. Do you visit your dad's grave? No. Yea, I'm not that type either. My family never was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, he's not here. He's gone. He did it. He killed himself. Remember last week? Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just talking about killing himself, but I just want to say this, cause the viewer, I know you've been waiting for this. I see the way you've been looking at me, back home.


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[Assistant] Just being like, what if Tommy was out of the picture? It'd just be me and Shane. I mean, chances are you're a guy.


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[Assistant] He's probably back home thinking, wow, now it's just me and Shane. What if Shane just grabbed me by the haunches?


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[Assistant] What would I do? Would I walk back? Would I give it back to him? Where would he finish?


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[Assistant] Billy Prinsell, Billy Prinsell is here. Hey, how you doin', Shane? Dogs. That's what we do, dude. Yes. Yo, what up? Suck our fuckin' fat dicks. Yes.


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[Assistant] But now, right before we went on, Billy was asking me some hard-hitting questions. And I think we should get right into that first question. That first one, I'm thinking about it right now.


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[Assistant] Uh, to answer that, I'm gonna fuck tomorrow. Yes. And I jerked off twice today. Oh.


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[Assistant] Oh, so you don't go in too eager. I don't wanna have... Yeah, do you? Do you like fuckin'...


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[Assistant] So you jerk off to no-born and just your girlfriend? You jerk off to thoughts of your girlfriend.


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[Assistant] Uh, but yeaah, so Billy's here and Billy's a good friend of mine and he, uh, he led with jerking off, uh, which is sick.


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[Assistant] Thank you. Real fucking sick. A lot of our guests come in here and try to be fucking gay for like 10 minutes. Not here. Eventually it's gonna, the show ends with us jerking off.


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[Assistant] This guy's from Kentucky too, so this is almost a guaranteed n-word. Okay.


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[Assistant] Alright, I apologize. You're exactly right. I shouldn't have done that. That's alright. I'm not above it. Fuck yea.


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[Assistant] We can do whatever we want, dude. It's just us. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] It's funny this whole time, you know how I always say like homophobic shit and how shit's not gay? That's just to impress Tommy. I'm gay as fuck.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'm a guest and I know you are god awful at that. This is a show for straight, or not straight, this is a show for gay, Trump supporting men.


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[Assistant] Well anyway, I think, uh, I think we gotta stop talking, but...


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[Assistant] You're the man, good call. That was great man. I appreciate it. Hell yea. Thank you Shane, off to you guys too. Hell yea.


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[Assistant] What do you think about that? That was great. I don't know what he was talking about. He was talking about, uh, Notre Dame versus Clemson in the college football playoffs.


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[Assistant] And then he was talking about how he married, he got engaged to a lady wearing a Women for Trump t-shirt, which is...


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[Assistant] But, he's, you know, he's a nice guy. I've never seen one. Oh, women for Trump t-shirt? Yeah. They, every once in a while, they'll sprinkle them in the background of one of his fucking speeches. Oh yeah, you see it, it's like a go-to. Yeah. Yeah, they put like three, the three black dudes that...


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[Assistant] Couple women for Trump. Some Hispanics for Trump. What do you think of that? Open minded people. You love Donald Trump, right? No.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, pretty rocky, pretty rocky, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Oh, Billy had a great question, cause you should hear, I mean we talk about it every episode, this guy jerks off non-stop. Really? And uh, yea, like fucking crazy. He jerks off.


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[Assistant] This American Psycho, yeaah, he does it. He jerks off memory on Thursday. Yes. And then doesn't jerk off on Friday and then fucks on Saturday.


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[Assistant] That for sure. Day of jerk off, I'm usually like, man, I don't need you around.


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[Assistant] And then, yea, KMO hat, and then, uh, the Mechanicsford Club polo, which I haven't worn in a while.


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[Assistant] This is maybe only four or five. You try walking in a New York subway wearing this fucking hat. I bet you-


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[Assistant] Cause we were talking about, remember we looked at- This could go anywhere. We looked at Kate Upton's picture where she had come all over. And then you were saying, we didn't really argue, but I was like, yeah, I can do that. I put it together. Like last week.


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[Assistant] That's... I almost took a picture. You should. I literally almost took a picture.


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[Assistant] And I did that the other night. And I almost took a picture. That's insane. Yeaah, it was great.


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[Assistant] He's in a hotel in New York. Yea, see that gets me angry. I'm fucking angry. A person? Left butt cheek. Nice. And then lower back. And some shoulder. It was...


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[Assistant] This looks great. Looks like the Amazon.


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[Assistant] And I fuckin' launched one, and then I was fuckin' this fat ugly chick for a while. But she, she took most of the, she took the brunt.


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[Assistant] I opened the show with some real sexual energy. A lot of the guys back home, the listeners, probably have already finished.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, there was a guy, this is a good one, there was a guy in Spain.


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[Assistant] There was a guy in Spain that was this British dude when I lived in Spain for a while that I was good friends with and he was like, yeah, I moved here ever since my mom died. I was living with my mom and then she passed away.


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[Assistant] And I was like, oh man, what happened? He was like, she was real old.


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[Assistant] And she was like bedridden and then, uh, she died in a fire.


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[Assistant] I met this lady, no offense, cause you're a handsome guy. But boy, I bet that chick was a fucking nightmare.


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[Assistant] It's actually pretty hot. I'd love to fucking uncontrollably cum.


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[Assistant] Just all coming and exes. Coming and fucking, it's so funny, every, every episode's like, yeaah, yeaah. I don't know what we're gonna talk about. It's like somebody jerked off. I don't know, I'm depressed.


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[Assistant] Drink, my heart pounds tremendously the next day. Yes. Is that cardio? Does that count?


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[Assistant] Sometimes after I fuck I feel like my fat heart is beating so hard that the bed's shaking and she notices. That counts.


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[Assistant] And then I say, you're exactly right, and then I call my dad, and then I facetime my dad, and I'm like, I'm like, you see this shit?


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[Assistant] Do you comment on the amount of semen that you have? Sometimes, if there's hard ropes, yes.


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[Assistant] Dad keeps his jeans on and ropes through jeans. How hard your cum has to be to seep through jeans.


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[Assistant] You look great. Thanks man. Feel great. I don't have any skull though.


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[Assistant] But he'd be a great trainer outside of, maybe that would help.


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[Assistant] Ropes in this bunk. A lot of walking and standing. I did jerk off in th- I've cummed at West Point. That's pretty impressive. Is it? Yea, I cummed at like a school George Washington founded.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Wow. And Eisenhower and Patton. Wow. I don't know if Patton. You think he beat off? They definitely all beat off in their time at West Point. And so did I. Robert E. Lee.


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[Assistant] Hit the elliptical for, tell yourself it's going to be 15 for a warm up. Do it for 5 minutes. 5 minutes, this is bullshit. Go do curls.


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[Assistant] Handful of Tootsie Rolls from the front desk. They have Tootsie Rolls? Yea, go down, eat those in the locker room.


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[Assistant] Then, you go upstairs. Walk around for a minute, because you're uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] Do you feel like a fucking retard for even being in a gym? Yes.


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[Assistant] And then you do the elliptical, like I said, you say 15, you do 10. But while you're up there, you're just staring at the chicks. Yes. Yes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause they're all wearing fucking just a sports bra and yoga pants. And watch the jacked Asian dudes talk to them. Jacked Asians. There's jacked Asians in there.


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[Assistant] So then, no, I did this elliptical, I was watching this hot chick.


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[Assistant] I was watching her walk, it's hilarious. They're walking around doing like weird poses and stretches. So like unafraid to do like box jumps. They don't do anything. In the middle of a planet fitness, just doing like hard


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[Assistant] Weird shit. Yea, doing plyos at a planet fitness. Next is like an old dude doing like...


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[Assistant] So I'm on the fucking stair master. Yes. Which is the hardest fucking thing I've ever done. Hardest thing. It's so hard. I pretend. I wouldn't give that to you. What I do is, yea yea, that's a lot for me. I'm a big dog, that hurts my knees. I pretend I'm in 9-11. Yes.


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[Assistant] But, uh, so anyway, this Hotchick gets on next to me, and uh, first off, Hotchicks destroy the Stairmaster. They're like, they're built for it. You go every other? What, every other day?


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[Assistant] Alright, but this girl gets on and she's doing like ballerina stretches on the Stairmaster taking like


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[Assistant] Crazy shit. I'm gassed trying to do two minutes of just walking.


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[Assistant] It's crazy. Yeaah. Well she also doesn't have fucking 250 pounds to lift up. 250? Yeaah. That's it. Healthy 250.


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[Assistant] That's why they- What was that like? That's why they suck. Cause, well actually they're good this year.


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[Assistant] They've been good the last couple years because they switched to a, uh, triple option.


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[Assistant] When I was there was Bobby Ross was the head coach, old San Diego chargers coach. Uh, but they, uh,


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[Assistant] The offensive line is always like 250 fucking pounds. Right. Because they, they're at West Point, they can't be fat.