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[Assistant] Uhm, but I don't believe any of this. I do believe that this is money for the families. And I do believe that Michael was having a problem with drugs. These fancy doctors who will come to your house three o'clock in the morning, five o'clock in the morning. She goes, you're on top of this.


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[Assistant] We probably could have tied it in with some Volkswagen. To come here.


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[Assistant] Uh, nah, uh, just Matt and Shane's Secret Podcasts. Also, I just wanna apologize to all you fucking idiots out here. Wasn't my best performance. I just couldn't get into this rape, rape bullshit that these guys think is funny. Oh, you're above it. I am, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, it's intern Alex. We had some technical difficulties at the end of the first half of the show, but we'll be right back with the rest of Legion of Skanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I got on the plane and I was so excited because I'm really gonna fucking die. This is so great. Like I was thrilled and at peace. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait till the funeral was over.


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna jump off a building or jump in front of a car if people haven't heard of overdosing on drugs.


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[Assistant] And she got a little, little cut on her lip from the accent. Tiny cut. Car flip five times on I-95. Little cut.


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[Assistant] And she, uh, a couple of weeks went by and she ended up in the hospice again. She was in the hospice two or three times. Young people don't like to die, you know, not that old people do, but some old people, because they had a good life. She didn't feel that way. She was pissed. She didn't want to die. She was thrown out of hospice for not dying.


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[Assistant] They live, and then they die. And dying is in a moment.


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[Assistant] And she feels that you're treating her as if she's dying and you don't need her anymore.


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[Assistant] We used to go out for dinners and stuff, she wanted to go out, I would take her out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they think, if you're Jewish, they think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did piss his pants drunk one night. Well, back in your hotel room you pissed your pants. Okay, that's not bad. Yeah, not like at the industry party. Yeah, that'd be worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Sillies and Goofballs are the best. You're great for that.


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[Assistant] Now we're part of a performance. Sure we're not on a stage, but we are facing a tiny television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I performed there with five people and it was a real bummer. Yea, so did Dice. It's an album of bummer.


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[Assistant] Are we going to ruin your smoking privileges?


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[Assistant] Ah, that's just a tough way to go. Yeah. Stomach? Not sure?


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[Assistant] If you didn't have other kids, going to jail probably wouldn't even be a punishment. Like if you actually just fucked up and did that, it's almost like, it's beside the point. I'd kill myself before the cops showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this, this family we knew, uh, there was a guy who, uh, at a family party the baby climbed under the recliner.


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[Assistant] I hope you get head. Louis was getting some head. Let me see. Louis was getting some head. I hope she sees this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.


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[Assistant] Lewis, you have a lot more to worry about when the flight logs from MILF Island come out.


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[Assistant] That's a weird thing to do. Maybe we should waste our time with what's going on with Lewis and not worry about what Ari's doing behind the scenes. So this is good. Is Ari doing things behind the scenes?


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[Assistant] You time that up, it really kind of fucks you up.


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[Assistant] You have none of that. You don't have any of that. I mean sure. I think the rule was on your own podcast besides this.


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[Assistant] Dan? I have nothing. I say run, horse, run.


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[Assistant] And then I don't know if you know this, that mic call to fucking Tampa, he even blasts that shit.


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[Assistant] I'm good. I think President Shafir's gonna run this a lot tighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, this sounds like how you were answering that Nick Mullen question. Like a fucking lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't be president. Dude, I think you get in on the green ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not taking down Pete, he's incredible, but Saturday Night Live has just made like...


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[Assistant] It's a little bit weird that you're like, you're going around, kind of, you know, putting yourself on a pedestal, like, on this like, you know, humanitarian


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it, like, uh, if it, if it comes down to, if she couldn't feel it at all, it's almost like it's not the human crime of rape, it's more just like a proper


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I get it, yeah. Wow, I've never realized how awesome Blackface was before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What it was, like if you were just putting on Blackface to react to something, like a sick burn that someone set at a party, like someone just nailed someone and then you came right up with Blackface and were like, ah, got em! That would be awesome. But Blackface is like, you're committed to that for the night. A gif is just like, eh, that's a second. You just put it out there.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Libertas, part of the problem, all at gasdigitalnetwork.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, it's two gods, eh? Come on, it's 1975!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny, the show that was happening, so when we got there, there was a live podcast happening. I didn't think much of it, I got there at like 8.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to me baby. Talk to me baby. This is about your dad.


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[Assistant] He came in so hot that me and Dave were having a drink at the bar and we're like, Hey Lewis!


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[Assistant] With leaving the creek too, was like a lot of it was gonna be that it was gonna be much easier. Yeah. To do there. It's harder. But it takes longer there than it did at the creek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you have gone there? Do you regret going in so hot? And maybe just being like, guys, fuck it, we gotta go.


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[Assistant] But the guy definitely was over me for sure. The guy was definitely over me. Oh, the thing


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[Assistant] Uh, we told people you could smoke inside, which is great. You could smoke cigarettes and cigars inside. Nice!


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[Assistant] Shit on people who like, brought you business tonight and they're like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, she goes, oh, you want your check? Okay, I'll get your check. And like, got my check, and, and I was just like, so I paid it, and I was just finished, I said I'm gonna finish my drink and a cigarette and get the fuck out of there. So Lewis came over and I go, yeah, I think I'm gonna get out of here. And he goes, he goes, oh, okay, he goes, I'll probably get out of here with you two in a second. And I go, cool. And then this girl comes up, I'll let you take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but you didn't know who it was or anything, and then a girl comes up and taps Lewis, I think, almost on the elbow, and starts talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a little bit of Andrew Yang. And a little bit of Yang Gang. Uh, he was here, of course, everybody. To my left, as always, uh, the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake. The defending Ellis Mania champ, everyone. It's Louis J.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, our guest today, uh, it's a big one, it's a big show, everyone. Uh, joining us from Gillian Keeves, everybody, pumping out some fucking quality, uh, sketch work. I guess the crowd doesn't agree, but I think it's fucking awesome. It's fine, it's not for them. From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, everybody. It is the hilarious Shane Gillis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was everybody you know them and love them from the impractical joker show and the taste buds podcast with the one and only Joe DeRosa. It is the hilarious Sal Vulcano everybody.


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[Assistant] Did you start, did you start covid to make sure the ninja joke would pop back around and make sense again?


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[Assistant] Yes! But in fairness, she also does that with Ani, who works for Gas Digital. I always say Ani.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're fine, we're fine. There we go. B-Rod plugged in a charger I guess and it shut the whole fucking comedy club down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know if we make fun of Becky more or the club's electricity. That it couldn't support this show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well you said Pete Davis, we were saying Pete Davidson fucking, uh, killed it. Did he kill it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in Tampa. Yeah, Ron. I think he was funny on it, what I think it was, what I was, uh, saying the whole time though, it's such a horrific production.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. It's a horrific, it makes Skank facility the Oscars. It's such a bad, it's, it was a bad production. It wasn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so she might be 17 depending on her birthday. No, she's 16 it says and that's her sister. How old's her sister? Her sister's gotta be of age, right?


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[Assistant] Yeah, Dixie is fucking ready for the fucking picking. That one's got skull face though. Tell you what, that name did not age well. She has so many- really? Uh, her name is Dixie Confederate Demilio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She can see dicks. Her face is too sharp. It looks like somebody sucked all the fat out of her face and then her eyes are just stuck to her skull. She looks like she just...


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[Assistant] We're looking at popular internet memes. Have you guys seen uh, have you seen Kumail Nanjiani's new picture?


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't know, I can't think of one Indian superhero.


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[Assistant] Like his forearms, like everything's just like fucking, he's got like, uh, like, Stalone arms. Yeah, pull him up.


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[Assistant] That's fucking wild. Yea, but then they go to the new one, look how much bigger he is.


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[Assistant] We'll be heroes, the fucking one guy got nailed for, he got me too for something, so yeaah. That whole squad went down. Whole squad? A lot of them, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, well, to play a character, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying with that newfound attention he's going to get, he's a married guy and he got married when he was straight Indian dork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's Indian fucking muscle-bound, uh, fucking sex symbol. He was like in an arranged marriage.


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[Assistant] Uh, but I'm saying the new attention he's going to get now with also like the looks and the body.


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[Assistant] Going with the fame, it's gonna be harder to probably shoot shit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever cheat? Uh, yea. You just never got caught ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was, as I was saying, I was never bullied in like, any kind of long term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I got the general bullying. I think a lot of, almost everybody had that when you were just the younger kids in the neighborhood like walking around and then older kids when they were driving would yeah, fuck with you. Just because they were like, older.


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[Assistant] There's no shorts I own I can pull aside and fart and show expose my ass.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I didn't think I was but yeaah. In hindsight you were. A lot of people told me I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would re- He would respond weirdly.


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[Assistant] Quickly I was talking, uh, uh, I was hanging out with this girl, we were cutting school a lot together, just hanging out at her house and bullshitting. And we were like, there was like a flirtatious like thing going on, like touchy-feely a little bit, we didn't fuck or anything.


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[Assistant] When my friends were busting my balls, they were like, man, you keep going to her house and cutting the school and going to her. They kept asking that. If it was me, you know, everybody, if it was me, I'd be fucking banging already. And then one day it was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, what do you guys think? I'm there all the time. I did one of those and then the next day, one of those guys told her that I said that and then she like, and usually I said that happens.


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[Assistant] I thought I was going to have like, you know, she would complain to me and I would apologize to her, but she told her parents who made a thing at the school, who made it a whole ordeal and they said they were going to expel me or I had to like apologize and talk about like, defame, defamation of care.


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[Assistant] She, I reached out to her on, uh, Facebook a while back. She doesn't, she's like a...


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[Assistant] Yeah, I hope she doesn't hear this shoga. She's something tells me by her Facebook profile. This ain't her thing. I'll tell you right now.


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[Assistant] About my situation? Twice a week? Yeaah. No, but it is, I'd have to assume the highest price paid for, uh, like, not being truthful about fucking someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were hanging out, I ended up titty-fucking. Titty-fuck's a weird brat. Nothing really. I'd never, ever, ever try to titty-fuck. No. Of course not.


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[Assistant] You don't know how to straddle? A torso?


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[Assistant] I think we all knew what he was talking about. But I didn't ask her to have sex, but I've talked about this story on stage a bunch because I say it's like


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[Assistant] It was a funny thing, like, before we hooked up at all, she was giving me, she goes, yeah, I don't like, have sex with guys like one night stands because like, you know, it's like, then they want you to leave right afterwards, and they want, and I was like, uh, and I said it, I was going, I was like, that fucking sucks that guys do that. It's like, they just, we'll have sex with you and then they want you to leave right away, it's like, that's just so shitty that guys, and then,


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[Assistant] I titty fucked there when I came, I went into the bathroom and I started laughing when I was talking when I went.


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[Assistant] Damn, we're losing people. That's how much they hate what's happening.


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[Assistant] With authority. I literally was about to tell Tom to just grab him from behind because I'm like it was...


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[Assistant] I pictured in my head, you just pulling out and putting one in the back of her head, this beautiful young lady.


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[Assistant] Yeah, probably for sure. Nip, uh, nipple play. She probably got to watch TV all the time. She loved it. I guarantee you she didn't even hate it.


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[Assistant] That's a good point, Shane. The risk taker. It's not so much a beach, but it's like a mud beach with a lot of rocks.


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[Assistant] Actually, this music, what it sounds like, it sounds like them going, Amanda went into treatment for 72 days. Two days later she jumped over a barbed wire fence to get back to crack. Her family hasn't seen her since. Next week on Intervention.


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[Assistant] Don't drink that shit, Jay. I thought he was gonna pee on you.


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[Assistant] Okay, this isn't like- It's cane sugar liquor. Biggie Smalls crystal? Oh, that's probably good as hell, bruh.


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[Assistant] They really do just have fucking mean dicks.


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[Assistant] Is it okay if we go in the back room and we all take turns holding it and compare and see if it got bigger than anybody?


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[Assistant] We'll all bite down a little bit and see who got further down it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That candy I don't understand at all. It's gonna be just... It's weird, it's light. It's gonna be good.


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[Assistant] Ah! Which is, I hate. It's way softer. You'd think it would be. This is old people candy in, uh, here. I want it so badly, but I'm fasting.


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[Assistant] Yeah, don't break your fast for whatever this is.


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[Assistant] But the good part of the product is everyone has to lie about it. Pretend they don't. No, Dave doesn't, dude. Dave fucking, Dave fucks that hole. Dave opens that hole up. Dave breaks the hymen on that hole every time.


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[Assistant] Alright, so uhm, alright, I guess we're not gonna talk about anybody's dick anymore. Congratulations Ari and Dave.


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[Assistant] I think Christine knows how to do it still. Really? I think that's the way to do it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, do you think, do you think Erin cried when she said let's work it out? We got the Mexican lady who got beat up because they thought she was Asian. Can we talk about that? Nope!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Uhm, this guy was fucking awesome dude. Big fan of the show. Manny Abadi. Uh, A-B-A-D-I. Manny Abadi tattoos on Instagram. Check him out. You have lame ass tattoos. No I don't. I have okay tattoos.


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[Assistant] If Ari would have ended up in a random, crazy chokehold from somebody in the audience, I would have been applauding that situation.


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[Assistant] Whatever it was, Jay. You know what I mean? It's a whole website thing. What is this tattoo about?


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[Assistant] Cause I wanted to get, uh, I wanted to get something on that tour, and there was a guy doing it backstage every day. Oh, the guy who did yours? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, bring up the wine, big flat black eye. He does hundreds of videos. Okay. Then you start doing videos about him like, clogging toilets in places, taking big shits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd always see him on world star because of his fucking, uh, because of his big fucking, like, screaming about the eagles.


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[Assistant] And then he, uh, he kind of blew that off. He would like hang up on people and then ask them about it. But then he admitted to, uh, being taken, but not that he did anything. And then, do you have that video by where he describes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This stuff he's not doing. He's like, sure I talked to this, uh, what I thought was a little girl. But I wasn't saying I was gonna like, lick your little pussy and stick my dick in it and shit. I didn't say I was gonna shut my finger up, you dookie shoot, and then have him in a chute come over you, over your little girl face. I don't say shit like that. So I ain't no pedophile. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] He goes, look, I got a car, I got a hat.


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[Assistant] Gilead Keeves! Gilead Keeves! Oh, Gilead Keeves, that comes out tomorrow. We got another sketch tomorrow. Dude, Sleep Cop. Gilead Keeves is so fucking good, man.


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[Assistant] Pretty good. Ari Shaffir. Coming up buddy, you just got back today. Surprise to me. So exciting to have you back. It's great to be back in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right back to legion of skits. Oh, sorry. I'll do mine, uh, I'll do mine quick. BigJComedy.com this weekend. If you're listening live, I'll be in Columbus, Ohio. Uh, Josh Edemayers will be with me out there. And Providence, Rhode Island, the weekend after that. I think they're all set up. We did add two shows, so maybe, uh, maybe not yet, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check that out, bigjaycommy.com. Bonfire is back. SDR show right here on the Gas Digital Network. And, uh, yeaah. Stay tuned, some fun stuff coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch. There was no bitch, dude, it's a sting. They're all stings, he just keeps falling for it.


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[Assistant] Uh, I have this sex toy, it's called a fleshlight and I'm fucking it. Couldn't help my seller. Uh, she goes, oh, how does it look? He goes, so pretty much I stick my cock slash dick inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a racist thing. I thought you were saying he was like a diamond runner.


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[Assistant] And then she writes, oh man, I'm gonna enjoy this very much, hiding monkey face. You make me feel- Well that's the prostitute monkey, actually. You make me feel so- awww. Well I'm glad to see they're working. You make me feel some type of way. That's what she says. Your honor, she threw me this prostitute monkey!


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[Assistant] It seems like he's falling just for stings again. But with one of the apologies, he goes, Look, did I fall for like a dumbass? Yeaah. He's like, but am I a pedophile? That's when he describes, he starts going like, Did I say I was gonna spit in the little booty holes and stick my fingers in? And you're like, yo dude. He just keeps describing that shit. It's pretty wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that mean that uh, and just fill in the blank, he just keeps going. Yea, but I don't know if we found that one, but it's fine.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Lewis, uh, Lewis is actually taking donations for his defense fund. Uh, help, uh, eatthatpussy445. Goformy.com, slash eat that pussy. Slash eat that pussy. Uh, Sal, thank you so much. Reel us through the next episode of O'Connor.


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[Assistant] We're streaming, we're recording. Alright everybody, we're back! Becky!


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[Assistant] They sleep over all day, Tom. And they are beautiful, head to toe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so show them all where he gets caught. Is he accused? Oh, he's accused. He's the accused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on neither of your side. But Jay did take a gun in the butt, so I feel like he should be. I still don't know what Jay lied about on the podcast. I don't even get it. He said you hit outside shots, but you hit layups? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it says hit me and you're, and you don't, the vibe is killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about all you fish filet boxes, eh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you guys could come out, go to PaleyCenter.org for tickets November 25th and I'll be on The Great Gutfeld Show on Sunday if you wanna check that out. If you're, uh, this comes out in time for that, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are, uh, are backhands legal? Yeah, everything's legal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's only really like two or three ways you can go with the name Vito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You went from Harlem to the Burbs. You took a sharp, drastic change. You should have stopped off in like a regular neighborhood for a few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mostly she sports not Lewis. Just a guaranteed loser ticket. Big J. Damn dude. What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bunch of Japanese businessmen. There's the Tokyo Partners. The Tokyo Partners fed a pug to a bear a bunch of times. Come on, come on, idiots! Wake up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real, not to bring this up, but that's exactly what Mike Brown did. And people like white racists defended this and they're like, he should have been shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be honest, it's a little bit of a relief to be out of this thing. Right now I just sit back and watch what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep in mind it was a landslide victory. You got crushed. Remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dance owner was just walking, enjoying himself. Lewis tried to take him down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, two quick stories as I endorse him for president of your fine, fine organization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want the show to get canceled because I want comics to have a place to tell stories. And I said, thanks Ari. And then I said to Ari, I said, Ari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do know that a lot of your fans are probably gonna call me nigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you would think Ari Shaffir would say, hey man, just so you know, I'm going to tweet out a vouching endorsement of you as the new host of my show. But Ari didn't do that. Ari said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari Shaffir said some things about Kobe Bryant on the day of his untimely demise. And uhm, a lot of people came for Ari's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right after Kobe Bryant passed, I saw Ari Shafir at a Super Bowl party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I hope this, this endorsement, uhm, you know, goes a long way to him being elected and I look forward to R.A. Shaffir fans calling me a pussy for wearing a soccer jersey during the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Paul took advantage of, of the situation. And so from there on,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They attempted to about Richard because Paul Mooney was his friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just said, do you remember what you said to me last week? And he was, he was on it so clear. It was like, okay, it's serious. And so then I asked him, what is it about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was really hurt, which I don't think Paul Mooney understood because someone that I took as a friend did that to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Wow. And his son was like young at the time? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first met you, I was like, oh, I think I kinda know what this guy's about. And then when I got to know you, I was right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think you are on a scale of 1 to 10?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're just putting yourself out there. You're saying them a photo, signing up and saying like, and then waiting for the answer. If they, someone... They have, they have ones now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want somebody on top of you. I have a range of embarrassingly terrible disgusting photos and then like I said one in every five to ten thousand I take. I'm not even, I can't even look at a photo of myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those photoshoots are the absolute worst thing and I don't have any confidence. I don't like doing it. You sit in front of like 50 strangers. They're pretty confident. They like throw on, uh, they throw on the music. They're like, just be yourselves out there. You know, and everyone's just staring at you. And it's just like, it's so, and they're like, they're telling you to do, you're doing poses for like an hour. But like, tell me what you have after this pose. Yeah, I mean, they're like, do something else. I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's real, there's both, there's both sets of 10s, but not, not on a regular, I'm not saying, but when, you know, I resent when, when the real world 10s come at me. I resent it. Me too. Why? Because I'm like, you wouldn't come at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uh, Cincinnati and Dayton Funny Bone, uh, the 14th and 15th, and then Des Moines and KC Funny Bone in September, and then the Wilbur, uh, in December, and the second show's going on sale. Wilbur's so cool. Uh, this week, so hopefully we get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same exact thing I did. I watched the first time, laughed all the way through, watched the second time, and started noticing like patterns and stuff. Yeaah, you're like, ah, ah, ah. Of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. I, I, I dropped in. Oh, it was a mess. It was a great time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it different than the other things that are out? Cause you could chew it. Oh, that's the big, that's the big denominator. Tastes like candy, it's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how long do you have, how long does it last?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even control it. Do you sometimes not tell her when you take it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you taken regular, uh, like, Cialis Viagra or something? No. Oh, so you're not comparing it to that? Not comparing it. No. Okay, okay. Have you? I have taken a regular Viagra in my life, yes. It's the same? It seems like what you're describing. I just didn't know this was different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 56. Yeah, 56 of these a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. I wasn't prepared for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a canoli. It looks more like a penis than a penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that because you just, is it, is it a roll of dice and you just healed well or is it like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just trying to find a middle ground here. What if you did a plaster of them? And then people got to see the plaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plaster, but then Shannon wears the plaster over her boobs. So it's kinda like you're looking at her boobs, but you're not looking. Shannon, can we plaster your mouth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally shit it out. I'm not kidding. I swear. I'm not gonna be absorbing to your stomach. Nigga. Yes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Piss, that doesn't sound accurate though. Piss shit or I'll sweat it out. So I'm gonna piss out frozen fat out of my dick. Yeah, I don't sweat piss ever. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be afraid of an uneven suck. Like, when they suck it out. Just see them in there going like that and if they do it uneven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask one quick question? You said 600 something bands submitted? Yea. How did you pair down at first at that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have parameters on which you judge? Like are you looking for someone, some, like are you looking for something specific? Like if they're innovative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're more fun. It's whatever you value. Whatever you value the most. So if you were to ask me which song I'd rather listen to based on those samples, I'd rather continue listening to the rap rock song. But my hesitation was that I've heard stuff like that over and over and over where I haven't heard much like that. So depending on what you guys judge on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so if it was my personal taste, I like the wild stylings more, but if I was thinking of what, what thing I thought was more innovative, I would say angel blade, and I guess for a competition like this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I would say Angel Blade, because I think that, you know, we're looking for maybe something a little more unique. Alright, Paul Abdul, really? Also, uh, also MC Schwartz of the Wild Silence was a bit pitchy, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They remind me of 311 a little bit, the Stylian, Stylian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well Tyler d'Ortrio is certainly the most professional and well-produced sounding thing we've heard so far. That sounded like a cut-off of a track on the radio. For that reason, I'm like, okay, they've got their shit together, they sound tighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could have just been, they have the benefit of that recording versus the other people didn't have, you know, the benefit of recording in a good studio or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't shame me. Let's vote. Oh, that I don't agree with, Louis. Mind, body, experience. That's not coming from me, but then again, I'm not retweeting this, so. It doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Brain Medicine should know that I like their type of music better, but I think the submission of Tyler Dora Trio was so professional that I'd have to choose them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Misfits kind of vibe. But I found that I was enjoying the melody of the Kojak song more and I wanted to listen to that more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I think Bundy and the Spins sound like a more professional band, I'm gonna buck the system what I did last time and go for the music that I- that song that I want to listen to more. I'll go with Kojak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. Uhm, Freaky Freak Boys, I, I really am interested to see what they actually sound like in the rest of the song, as they sounded extremely unique, but I don't think it was a good enough litmus test to give them a win, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sally, you agree? I'm gonna go dwarf among midgets, uhm, but I will say this if you're listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's a guy or if it's a girl I wouldn't be offended if I was them because it is kind of just, it's not offensive, it is a little tough to tell, just by the position of their face and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well Sal, what would you have said? I would have given it to the dude. First of the passionately. So I'm just rocked right away. How's that feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, great lip jewelry. What do you think the town is going to be based on the photo and the graphic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love it. I love it. Is that them? Yeah. Where was the trombone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a rap video. No, we appreciate ya. Uhm, dude, if you guys get a bonfire sandwich, that'll be my low point. I'll, like, if I in the future quit comedy, and I'm just out of McCamicksburg paying for a bonfire Sheetzburger by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another key bump. Huggy buggy, that's what it was. It's funny that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can. Yeah, what time is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welp. It's the Silicon Valley of gas station food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real though, you guys have to make the switch now. This is pretty- look at this. It's good. It's obvious what's happening here. One doesn't give a fuck. The one that was there in front of your face this entire time does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what, yeah, we use that. I'm sorry, it affects fertility. That's a, that's a, that's plan B where I'm from. If you're not in a chick, if you're not in a chick, you're like, we gotta get some cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've used coconut oil as like lube. Yes, this is cheaper. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It says right there, pre-cum should not contain any sperm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, it's actually, I'm gonna, yes. You're gonna fuck? I'm not saying that. I'm not gonna call my shot on this one, but that bluetooth you just gave me? You're gonna use it on the picture?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, when do you get your, how, what position are you in when you get fingered? On my back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we do- You better watch your mouth, dude. Cannon will fucking eat through you, dude. I don't want the cannon to come for me, bro. Please. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Oh, I bet. No way. He should. He should. I'm certain he did. Well, he would support Kelz. No. He has to. Gary Owen would support Kelz. No, he wouldn't. 100%. I guarantee he would. No. He's pro-Kelz. He's pro-Kelz. I'm pro-Kelz. Dude, we're all pro-Kelz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nari Owens would support Cosby. I bet. 100%. Now. Alright. Not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, I, off the top of my head, I'm in Toronto this weekend, so go to that. Uh, and then go to ShaneMGillis.com for dates, and then Matt and Shane's Secret Podcasts. It's the only real podcast left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, gang. He's a sweet boy. That's for me again, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Matt's very, there's the best moment we had. Matt showed me the sonogram and we both cried together. We did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I mean this is kind of a big episode we had planned. You also booked a concert?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen nothing and I don't, I don't believe I'll like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, I just wanna make sure because I can't hear myself over these sick bass riffs. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've uh, we've got quite the trial of the podcast century. We have a trial of the podcast century. We have a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I nailed it. Ah, that was a really nice compliment that Lewis just gave you there, Jay, and I hope you remember that when you're on the stand. Are you just ripping shots? Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as president, I'd like to know if you'd like to review any of them and possibly veto any of them if you'd like to keep them. Yeah, I saw one. Well how many vetoes does he get? I just turned and I saw one. It was swallow goldfish, which will suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. There's a lot more I'm happy you didn't happen to see. Are you kidding me? Let's go over some of these other ones in case Ari doesn't understand. Oh, okay, great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here, just cause my handwriting is kinda shitty, I'll read them to you Ari. Maybe 24. Okay. Okay, uh. When did you learn to read?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The loser of this, and today we will be determining who is most responsible for the dosing of Big Jay Okerson. So the person most responsible will either have to get a Kobe Bryant tattoo,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so uh, give me the eraser. We're already vetoing the first one. Goldfish was the first one. I'm allowing it. Uh, what about the shit throw?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit throw I'm allowing. You're allowing a shit throw instead of a fucking Kobe tattoo. Have you ever seen a picture of my dumps? Who's dump? Yeah, I don't- Don't trust whoever's dump you choose this. Just like Hitler, I can only come when I have shit on my chest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also 1 out of 24 chances you're going to be going to land on it. Alright, let's get through these. We got a trial. Black Cock Face Slap. Black Cock Face Slap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You store a line of a jizz cocktail. I think I might allow that. Alright!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, piss shot. You just drink a shot of piss. Who's piss? I think Big J's piss. You're welcome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? This show might turn into Just Gun in the Butt with acid every week. Did I mention that Battle of the Baddest Bands is done? I just want to make sure I mention that. Yeaah. Okay, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, here's the thing, Ari. You put a pit of acid on the end of the gun. I did not understand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the Jake Flores meeting that you come on your own cookie and eat it. It's your own come. Alright, you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jay gets to flick you in the nuts. A real dangling pair, and a real good graze. Well, first of all, we both know it's way easier shot on me than on you. Yeah. I'll allow it. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see the punishment happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that many. No, we've done almost all. We have, uh, uh, alright. One more right here. Give Jay your phone uninterrupted for ten minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we have more, we have more submitted by, uh, fans. Let me see here. Wait, hold on. What? Are we through all of them? Yea, that's all of them. Ori only vetoed two. Which ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Die Hard 3. Yea, just simply a t-shirt that says Blue Lives Matter. You walk through, but you have to wear- Gingerly! You have to wear, uh, body kit. Alright, hold on. Think it through. If Die Hard 3 is any lessen, you'll make friends with a black dude and go on adventures with him. You'll even meet Artie Fuqua, it turns out, was in that scene. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two spinagans? Yeah. Ooh, two spinagans! Two spinagans! That's an interesting dyn- Okay, so each of you get two. No, I'm saying in those two open spots, just spin it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I asked somebody who was, by the way, for Halloween. It turns out he's a hippie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No. I don't get the protest. I'm telling the fans that are here, order no food or drinks until the fucking music starts. You're telling the skanks fans not to eat or drink? Yes. Just a second. Have a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, if you land on the empty space, you spin again. That's it. That's the wheel of punishment. Let's start this fucking trial. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we recording this? Use your guys to record this and put it out. Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna. Uhm, I hear the first two


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't even go outside. Today he seeks retribution in the form of the Wheel of Punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In last week's episode alone, Lewis Cobos refused to take any responsibility and fled to Miami. The worst city in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you may hear a lot of talk about the New York City criminal status, or in buzzwords, opposing counsel is hurt on law and order, but that's irrelevant. All that matters today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His who is most responsible. Big J was damaged and is owed just compensation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like Lewis Gomez is trying to do, I am here to tell the truth and see that justice is served for Big Jay Okerson, one of comedy's legends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Number one, Luis Gomez is the host and organizer of Legion of Skanks and presidential hopeful, although he lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As well as a self-proclaimed co-owner of Gas Digital, Ari Shafir, myself, was a guest. What is better known as an invitee in the eyes of the law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An invitee, Louis Otari, and other guests and co-hosts are duty to keep the whole premises safe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This duty is Louis Gomez's standard of care under premise liability. Breach, number two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Duty cause damages, your honor. All I have to say is, quite simply, res ipsa liquidor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, your honor. Thank you to all of the jurors for coming out tonight. Thank you to everybody in the audience. And of course, thank you to the victim. Jason Okerson is here today. I know this can't be easy for you. He cried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was kidding about Jay crying until Jay said he didn't cry. Now I really believe it. No, maybe some angry ones, but not the kind where I took swings at fake yous in my, uh... Your Honor, I'd like Jay's denial of crying to be stricken from the record. What is a trial?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, uh, Ari, uh, I expected a big show out of his, uh, his performance tonight. I can't believe how pathetic that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he evidently got some Jew freshman law school person to write that for him, and he went on with all these complicated words that most of these retards behind us don't know. Uhm, but it was all- Let the record show I made that joke already! Uh, it was all revolved around the idea of a tort claim. A tort claim is a civil suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I know, listen, I'm sure a lot of you are gonna look at Lewis, okay? You see a Puerto Rican psychopath, and you think, obviously, this guy has to be guilty, right? Open and shut case. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not so quickly. My client, Luis J. Gomez, while I will be the first to admit, is garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did nothing wrong by skank law in this incident. Lewis is responsible for attempting to dose Ari, a man guilty of dosing other comedians. By skank's law, that is hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari is guilty of dosing Jay with a little bit of help from Shane, who I actually believe was coerced into the whole situation, to be honest. And I think it was disgusting the way Ari threw Shane under the bus. I will ask the jury... Thank you, David. ...to look at the facts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were with me. I got you. Oh my god. Now listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I would also say- Well I will say this, I'm literally never gonna do any of those punishments, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, willingness, uh, to abide by the decent standards of civil society with many of his friends before, and any one of you could be next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you allow Ari off the hook right here tonight, I rest my case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you, whoever calls the witness, the other side gets to cross-examine them, so it doesn't matter who goes first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them, I don't give a shit. There you go. And put your other hand up. Do you swear on Joe Rogan? Hold on, hold on, hold on. I want your left hand on the Bible, your right hand in the air, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, who asked the questions here? I'll be asking the questions. Okay. President Shafir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, good call on moving the door over there. Ari, when you doze- Have you hired Becky by the way? Yea, good point. No, it was me. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari, uh, your honor, uh, permission to treat the witnesses hostile. Ari!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. On the Joe Rogan Experience. It was me acting and Burt Kreischer acting. Tom was in the dark. Okay, no problem there. I'd like to introduce exhibit D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show me any evidence of him high on Molly. Show me, right now, everything that everyone's saying is hearsay. So, unless we can produce the video with further evidence, I need to strike that from the record. We have the video, Your Honor, I just need a very brief reset. Everyone, let's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's resume right at the crescendo. Those drums are acoustic. Of all the episodes to book a concert in the same fucking way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want it on record? No. Your Honor, I have no further questions for this witness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you, does Burt make money off of ads? Uhm, yeah, I believe Burt Kreischer does make money off ads on his podcast. Absolutely, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Bert loves money, dude. That's all he really talks about is how much he makes. He shows me his checks when he comes. One time, we were in Nashville. He said, look at this already. He handed me a $70,000 check he got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My esteemed vice president said that Lewis was going to dose me. When I got a cup, a beer,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sent him out by the, uh, undercover, he's a homosexual, uh, intern at the, uh, Legion of Skanks. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom the Gay. Tom the Gay. I was worried that it might be Dose, but I didn't know. No, I wasn't sure. You weren't sure? No. You thought I might have been pulling your leg perhaps? Yeah, pulling my leg. That's something I would do. You and me pull each other's legs. You're a jokester. Objection! You're not leading the witness! That's not leading the witness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did, uh, did Lewis ever apologize or compensate you for the cum cookie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, no, he never even said he was sorry that it happened. I literally ate a cookie with a man shot a load of cum on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take your time, order the wings. I will, uh, I'll see where it leads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, did Lewis compensate you for the scores of man hours you spent providing content for your successful Legion of Skanks presidential run this summer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he ever compensate you for the views you created? He... Good question, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That literally kept me alive from 2013 to 2017, so I do appreciate that. So, you're claiming that you were in fact dosed on Legion of Skanks with a cum cookie. Correct. Do you have any evidence of that that's not hearsay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, how long have you had, uhm, Louis Gomez as a, uh, co-host or sidekick, whatever you would call it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, has Luis Gomez paid for the dry cleaning for the drinks he spilled on you or has he just blamed an intern?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jay, I'm so sorry, a couple more questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York Times has quoted as saying that the number one new podcast on Patreon for 2020. Uh, do you know what that podcast is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six and jump. Six and jump. Patreon.com slash six and jump. A lot of fans here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, while recording Sticks and Jumps, have I ever injured you, uh, without remorse or compensation in any way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, final question. Uhm, how many pushups did you say you could do on Six and Jump? Seventeen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that true? And I'm sure this question will be hard for you. How many pushups could you do on six and jump?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay, uh, we all appreciate you, uh, testifying here today. We know this is, uh, very hard for you. And I appreciate you coming forward and your honesty and all that. Yeah, a round of applause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay, the night that you were dosed, what were you wearing? I'm just kidding. There's a little courtroom humor for you. We're asking for it. That's how we used to do things in the fifties. Anyway, um, Jay, and I want to keep in mind that you did swear on a great Joe Rogan special before you came up here today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Classic. Do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Genuinely believe that Ari Shafir did not dose Bert Kreischer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I forgot how much silly string stinks. I had to be honest. Uh, Jay, who do you believe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brought the acid, or who, should I say, lemme rephrase, who is responsible for bringing the acid and attempting to dose Ari on that fateful night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jay, and this is my final question for you. Who slid a glass with acid in it to you knowing that there was acid in that cup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just threw it on the table. And the retarded guy picked it up and shot someone. Who's guilty there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you swear on Rogan's special you will tell the truth and only the truth? You better not bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, uh, you were just, uh, viciously thrown under the bus by a member of your cabinet who you were clearly following direct orders from, and you said something about, let the record show it was 100% Ari's fault. Do you stand by that statement? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, absolutely. It was his fault. Why are we even doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the only reason this is a trial is just if Jay doesn't like Lewis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna leave the country. I'll be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This doesn't bode well for you. Uh, it's time to cross? Yea, yea sure. Shane, let me ask you a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, uh, ads are gay, and I've done everything I can to ruin ads on this shitty podcast as well. Uh, good, good, good answer. Shane, what do I stand for? Mayhem? That's correct. I love what you turned on me, man. I knew you would, dude. I care about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, let me ask you a question. It's a nice guy. Shane. Yeah. When you watched that video of that, that night, uh, that made Jay cry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my lord, I did cry. I was very sad. Shane, wasn't that fucking awesome? Let the record show that it was awesome as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, as soon as Ari passed the cup in front of Jay, I knew I had to be a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's a man, uh, I don't know, remember the movie Seven?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Okay, so like, so let's say somebody like, where is this going? I don't even fucking know. Let's say somebody killed somebody's wife, and the guy was like so in fucking rage, and right when he was in his biggest rage, some other person, a Puerto Rican or anyone, handed that man, that white man, a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in his biggest rage and a Puerto Rican handed that enraged man a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that moment, knowing what that enraged man was gonna do. Objection, Your Honor, this is a closing statement. This isn't a question for a witness. Did Lewis tell you that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was enraged, and Lewis was the Puerto Rican who gave me a gun at my dead wife. I saw a video that was you enraged? That was me enraged. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry everyone. Let's prepare for closing statements, please. Unless you have any- I have no further witnesses. I have one more witness. I only called one. I have one more witness. Okay. Uh, I would like to call to the sta-a-a-a-and-ah!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay Gomez. No further questions, your honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis owed a duty. He breached that duty. He caused damages to Mr. Big Oakerson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane told my, uh, my client of Lewis's conspiracy, I had a choice to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either blow it up, which is unfunny, and would never be accepted by this, by this crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or drink whatever's put in front of him, like a cookie, uh, things like that. Or pass the drink in the only direction it could've gone, and trust Shane's judgement, which I will till the end of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I ask your honor, who bears the most fault? The guests that work for free all summer, launching this podcast into the mainstream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane and Matt's Secret Podcast. Pretty much. Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're working for you all the time with the history of paying his guests out of pockets and treating his colleagues with respect. That's what I do. Uh, Louis Gomez refers to himself as the real ass dude. Well, he ain't. But how real ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he has cost. I thank the court, I thank your honor, I rest my case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let, let the record show I am, but not, not quite that Jew-y. Noooo. Other Jew! Other Jew!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other Jew. Thank you. Dave, as the other Jewish person they're referring to, would you like to speak now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. Uhm, listen, I, I wanna say that I, you know, I, I expected a big show out of Ari tonight, and I've been, uh, disappointed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For Lewis to lose, sure. It would be funny for Lewis to have to spin the wheel of punishment most of the punishments that he wrote himself. But if you guys look at this trial, I mean, guys, this has been a slam dunk. I mean, the victim said that Ari was the most responsible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be funnier if Lewis loses. You earned it on the record. Funnier if Lewis loses, everybody knows. Now, the final thing I will say. Ari, Ari spoke of a chill running through the podcast community. Ari dosed his friend Burt. There were no consequences. And what happened? He dosed another one of his friends on this podcast. Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at you guys, 12 comedians, 6 of whom, talented. You know who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are gonna be in this business for a while. If you don't punish Ari now, I promise you this will happen again. Vote your conscience. Vote your heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, by round of applause. I don't care what you said, I fucking did it, you know I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were getting the rigatoni, could you hear people fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well we're going box office for the dudes and then for the ladies. It's most searched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your, if your family's drinking coronas with fucking kits on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She almost looks like she might be a contract lesbo, and that's pretty cool. Uh, contract's big. Number three, Nikki Hartz, cause she's got the pop star appeal. Number four, I'm actually going with, uh, my lookalike, Piggy Bean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike Myers. Phil Hartman. Chris Farley. Adam Sandler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was saying what if you see a dude, since Shane saw a lesbian that looked like him, what if you see a dude that looks like you in this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm gonna shock the world and say Big Dick Dolphin Joey Mills at number two. Okay. And I'm gonna say Diego Sands, number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Son of a bitch, if you tell me that fuckin' Austin- A man caved, dude. Caved is top two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that? That's cause we do three shows. You do three shows per week. So if you count the laughs that we give our people, way more. Way more than everybody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is true. I'm a numbers guy. Everyone knows that about me. It's one of the things that, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm multifaceted. So we have a great show plan today and we have faceted. F A C E T E D. Idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many of us? Uh, Shane Gillis is in studio. What's up, Nooka? What's up, dog? Hell yea, baby boy. How are you? Chillin', dude. You look good, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm inspired by you. I'm inspired by you. Thanks. Cause girls think you're fucking hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're not. But it's because you don't give a fuck. You just own who you are. You walk in your skin. You're very comfortable with who you are. I'm constantly trying to change myself. Constantly trying to look for approval through people. Just gotta lean into it. This is why I'm so fat lately. Be fat. I swear to god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A form of play or sport, especially competitive. One played according to the rules and decided by skill, strength, and luck. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Match, contest, tournament, meeting, sports, meeting, event. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Complete episode or period of play ending and defined. Keep on going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, when you, when I found out that there was like the thing in Grand Theft Auto, which one was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Andreas? The one that got it all, that got it all started. The one where you can fuck hookers, okay? Grand Theft Auto 3 comes out. Your buddy's like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, pick up that hooker. Now you gotta find grass. Like, what do you mean? Just go find grass anywhere, and watch. Then you go, you park on the grass, and then the fucking car starts rockin'. And you fuck her, and you pay her, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mind is blown. Like you're like, I'm fucking a hooker in a video game right now. I'm 18 years old, 17 years old. It's an incredible experience. And then she gets out and your buddies even have to tell you just instinctually, you're like, I'm going to fucking kill her right now and take my money back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That right there does not cause violence. That makes you avoid violence. Because I never wanted to do that again. I got that out of my system. Is this shit, Shannon? Let me see. Not me, man. The opposite, actually. Oh, this is four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guys over at Rockstar Games were big Opie and Anthony fans. So they ended up grabbing all of those guys to do voiceover stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is pretty damn cool. But uh, yeah dude, it's, it's fine, but I'm just saying I'm over that experience. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be more badass. Colin Terrell is here. Tyrell or Terrell? Terrell, yeah. Terrell? Yeah. Terrell. Oh, who's fucking calling me right now? Stop!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom used to make spam, slice up spam in a frying pan, and macaroni and cheese, crap macaroni and cheese. This meal for a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically, uhm, like fuckin' smashed together fuckin' grocery ham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's disgusting. Look at it. Bacon spam. Look at the color of it. They didn't have flavors when I was a kid. I said spam. Right. They're going all over the place with this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an idea when I was a kid because I used to really like hard boiled eggs. I had an idea why not inject the hard boiled eggs with flavorings, right? Right? And then you could hard boil the egg and it would already be, you know, salt and pepper, sea salt and pepper, jalapeno, and you could hard boil the eggs and already have them flavored all throughout. Wow. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spam boniqua, that's when they put an actual Puerto Rican meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uninspired by all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it cool in here and then we can turn it back on. I don't care, it sucks for Column. Cause it blows directly onto his leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I'm, maybe you didn't see me at SkangFest dude, I played drums, I pro wrestled, I did an MMA fight, uhm, did a magic trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to go say a joke, I was like, oh, this is a new one, uh, but I had one hand in my pocket, all nervously. And then Ari fuckin' came in, I was like, yes! Thank you, Ari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, that's good. I really am. For this, uh, fall and winter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're not going to, uh, twer like that together. We're gonna fucking twer like adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, dude. Can you just plaster it with my face even though it's the headliner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make my nostrils the headlights. The horns. Let's go. This is great. It's good podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All your podcasts put together. Shannon, I know plugs, you dummy. I know I'm doing them now. This is all edited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. Do you get concerned that she's going to wake up and be like, oh my god, I was raped? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I throw a bad one out a lot. So if you're gonna throw one out after me, just make sure it's good. Cause it really throws the whole podcast off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's a fucking, he's a loon, but he's, he's harmless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it weird that I don't have a fear of people that I can physically beat up? Like no matter what guns that are out there in the world, no matter what bombs they can create, like in my mind I was like, what is Mark Randham gonna fucking do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fucking, I'll put him into a locker. I will fucking shove Mark Random's head into a toilet bowl if he ever threatens to bomb the studio. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so can we please do plug now, Shannon? Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much better watching it in high-def multi-camera. It's really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Live tomorrow night on the Fight app. F-I-T-E app. Uh, also Louis Sheikomas presents Louis Sheikomas. The whole special is available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever you guys want to buy it, go buy it on Amazon, iTunes, whatever it is. I just put out the first of five parts. I'm going to put out the entire special in five parts over the next, you know, month or two. Uhm, but they're not going to all be out at once. So just so you know, where I'm just using this to market it more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you guys can't afford it, go to my YouTube channel. Subscribe to my YouTube channel. You can just watch it in parts. It'll be coming out over the next few weeks. You can even listen to it for free on Spotify. Uhm, but if you can afford it and you guys want to watch a great comedy special in its entirety, you guys can do that at Lewis J. Gomez Presents LewisJGomez.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and that's really it, man. I go to iTunes, leave us a 5 star ranking, positive review.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] podcastmerch.com, grab all the t-shirts for all the pods on the network, Matt and Shane as well. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All right. All right. So, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black dude given 30 years for not disclosing to partners that he has HIV positive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and he's released 25 years early. There's no reason to say he's black. We knew it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he didn't transfer AIDS to somebody, I say it's not a crime. It's attempted. Attempted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Handed a cell phone to call his parole officer. Johnson looked at it and said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, let's see, when you get, uh, when you get arrested, have your phone taken away, you have dreams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you think your phone, when you think your phone is ringing. Oof. Yea, he's got some fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Johnson, one time college wrestler who's known online as Tiger Mandingo, was arrested on October 13th for recklessly transmitting HIV to two men!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, transmitting, uh, to two men and exposing four others to do it. Fuck you, Lewis. Johnson is black, and four of the six were white. Black on white crime. Okay, so this- Yea, and they get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they should, now this is going to sound racist, but this is just the truth. I think you should look at the economic productivity of the victims. And that should go into the impact on society. And that's why he was given more of a sentence. I understand this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were white men. More than second degree murder. Let's see, hold on. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where was I? As chronicled in the Buzzfeed news investigation. The best investigation. His trial was racially charged and jurors were shown images of his penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Despite an absence of genetic fingerprinting to connect him with the other man's HIV strains, he was convicted of one of the two transmission cases and of all four exposure cases. The resulting sentence was longer than the state average for second degree murder, though he was not accused of killing anyone in December, 2016, the Missouri blah, blah, blah, blah. Uh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, I've never, I've never had a girl tell me that she's had anything ever. I've never had a girl stop me once ever in my history of sex ever. And if they did, would it have stopped you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, no, I've never had, have you ever had a girl say, Shane, just so you know before we fuck, I have herpes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she was like, I dunno, I think it could end up, it could be like herpes or something. That's what she said. Oh my god. And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't end up having herpes over it, no. I've never had a disease. Not once, no chlamydia, no gonorrhea, nothing. My dick, I have no idea how I've avoided it. But I feel like my dick is like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's a little clap as well. I feel like Ralph said that. You're a dirty dick motherfucker. Irish people, they always, I used to sell comic book tickets in Times Square, and every time I would encounter Irish people, obviously one out of every three of them would have some fucking herpes shits on their lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll do that, obviously. I'm talking about, I've had in my life where it feels like the tip of my dick is almost a little bit numb and it feels a little, like, and then I start convincing myself and I'm like, nah dude, it really hurts. And then like, I'm just like playing with it a lot. I'm like, what the fuck's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Riptorn died. Who is that? He's a guy. You know Riptorn. Don't know him. You know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes. Didn't, wasn't he sick a long time ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my aunt's 82, we were at Disney together and she's like, and I'm like, I'm in fucking better shape than this bitch. She made it to 82. I have to make it that long, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do drugs do to your body? Who cares? Uhm, Shannon, let's get the Scam the Jew out of the way, please. R.I.P. Richard Twain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Shannon, what do we got here? If you guys want to join the conversation, send in some winning scams, nothing that can get anybody arrested, but something that is easy to pull off, something that you could talk your way out of if you need to, uh, but something that is worth something, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you sent them in to realassofficial at gmail.com, realassofficial at gmail.com is the email address and the winner


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of uh, Scan That Jew each week gets a free Scan That Jew t-shirt. The only way to get that shirt is by winning a Scan That Jew t-shirt. You can't buy it anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't try to tell me why I love you after I'm starting to hate you. You know what that is. Shane, you're gonna ruin-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna have every fucking, everybody that's banned from the Realize podcast gonna be a rotating guest now on Matt and Shane. Uhm, alright, give me a scam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like it. That's a solid scam, but you gotta be a fucking loser who lives in the Midwest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No offense to all the Midwest listeners out there, we know the demographics. You guys are alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, that's very specific. I can't personally pull that scam off. I have a hard time connecting emotional.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is true, we could do that. That's a smart idea to actually get gas money. For the winning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Uhm, Shane, give me another scam. I don't think that's the winner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way guys, look out, another accent show might be coming up soon. Gotta figure out, we're gonna, we're getting a lot of requests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So another one's coming up, baby boys. So we'll see, we'll see what accent we decide to do in the next one. It'll be a good time. Uhm, give me another scam, Shannon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But instead of getting a taxi home, you jump in and say, Oh, hey, you know what? I ordered this. Can I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're just giving him the food, yea. Uh, see you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bada boom, bada bing, yada yada yang, I got seeds. Go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Grand larceny? Yeaah. I don't think that's a good idea. I think also you're now at risk to fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's acting, right? So you go to a fucking hotel and you go to the vending machine and it doesn't use, it doesn't take a credit card for a soda. You just go to the front desk and be like, hey, they didn't give me the, you know, they didn't give me the soda. I put the $2 in, but you know, it didn't give it to me. Nobody really argues. Nobody asked for a credit card receipt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Go to a fucking hotel. I'm saying it's happened in real life where I went to go buy a soda or went to go buy candy and it didn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a moron though. What kind of moron? That is, people put chocolate covered strawberries on a plate at a hotel and they're like, oh my god, chocolate covered strawberries. It's not classy. I can't believe it. That's the thing, people confuse it with class. For fucking hack idiots they go like, this is fucking classy. But it's just, it is the cheapest, it's like hiring a secretary with a British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, I know what the fuck you're doing. You think Americans like the sound of a fucking British accent? Fuck you, company. I hate companies that do that. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't that funny, but I enjoyed the sentiment. I got what you were going for and I agree. Uh, fiend dog, that's a terrible scam that doesn't work. Go. Give me anything else. These are bad scams. Maybe there's no winner this week. We don't have to have a winner every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not bad. That's not bad. But the problem with the TV is going to be, it has to be the similar thing. They're not going to know the wood off the bat. It's almost like when uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you just, if you offer it up and you're willing to create the solution for yourself and almost act annoyed, you have to act a little bit. Be like, oh god damn it. Can I, can I take a picture? Can I run and get a picture really quick? Be like, alright cool. Instead of having to call somebody, bring somebody over, do that whole to do? Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if I'm the guy lying behind that guy who makes that person go and have to wait, now I'm tutting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lie. This is why, this is why I don't like you Shane. I'm not lying. This is why I don't like you. It's because you're a liar. You don't like me? Not anymore. Because you're a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to be an honest friend. I am an honest friend. And you're a liar. Every time we've ever gotten- No. You're naming two times out of the fucking- I eat every day. I eat- No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't say that at all. I, I made, I was annoyed because why would you only have one person on a busy floor? There was a, it's not even her fault. I was annoyed with management.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, no, you're a liar because I tutted, but only because it's not that they didn't just come out fast enough, you liar. You fucking liar. Episode title, Shane's a liar. Uhm, it's not because they didn't come out fast enough, it's because they didn't even put them in to make them. So I watched it, the restaurant


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I was trying to get into the comedy cellar, so I blew Bobby Kelly on stage in front of 250 people. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All jokes aside, I truly folated Bobby Kelly on stage. Uhm, and that's it. So. The real story is really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the real story is this, um, Bobby Kelly, Bobby Kelly goes like this. He's like, dude, we're going to have a blow job competition at, um.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coulda got a purple one. It's not even like I chose a big one. I chose what I would assume is Bobby Kelly's dick. Like a little small. Flesh colored. Fucking flesh colored doldo. And uhm, so Bobby Kelly puts it in his pants and I'm going first and I just fucking. You really detoured it. I really gave it to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've gotten my fucking dick sucked awesomely. I know what an awesome blowjob is. I wasn't trying to phone it the fuck in. I was trying to win. I having a competitive spirit. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I fucking, I gave- He goes full hog. I go, I'm talking about like, I spit on it, I gave eye contact to Bobby Kelly, I put my hand in between his legs, grabbed his ass, and pulled his dick into my face. Because that's what I want a woman to do to me. All the ladies listening to this right now. That's what I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, then I, I finish my 32nd thing, right? And then it's Billy J's turn. And this cunt just goes, uh, I lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's terrible. Yes. So, then people took the clip of it and just out of context just have an image of me sat and it looks- Oh yea, no, it didn't context. It looks fucking real. So, uh, yea, a bunch of people think I'm gay now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only reason I give a shit, cause I don't do, I don't fucking care. Okay? The amount of fucking people that live in LA that actually suck dicks to do shit, like legitimately suck dicks. The stories that are out there, real dick in their fucking mouths. Comics? Yea. Like name names. Please. No, not name names. What? Come on bro. We all know. Who? Listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only reason I care at all, and this is the truth, is one day my son will be able to fucking Google me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, me and Bobby talked about it on the phone. He was like, dude, do you want me to put, not put out this, uh, Skankfest thing? Uh, cause people are tweeting at us about you second way. I was like, I don't give a shit. Cause we had, then we, at Skankfest this year, we had another blow job competition, but we had Skankfest people pretend to blow me. But of course it's a fucking big glow in the dark dick. So it doesn't look real. So, um, but I was like, no, I don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just gay shit. You know, it's gay shit I've done on my, in the parties and not alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. I don't live the life where, like, I legitimately think gay shit's funny. I really do. A lot of other people think it's funny. It's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Jay used to have that joke where he's like, you walk through the mall holding your friend's hand, just to weird people out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blowing Bobby Kelly now. Just explain. And I was like, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Uhm, alright. So, yeaah, that was it, Shane. Do you want me to explain, you fucking homophobic asshole? I'm not homophobic. Why are you homophobic? What are your friends all homophobic for? Are you fucking philly? Is they homophobic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your fucking Philly comic friends were like, dude, you know, Louis, I want you to Skankfest, but not no more. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh gee, fucking homophobes. I suck a little dick, so what? No, Shanna, I'll do what I want. It's my show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't edgy? Wasn't a bit. It was real life. We gang raped a woman. It was just edgy. Shannon, did we or did we not actually gang rape a woman on this show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this, Shannon. Right now Purchases Bay Mask on Amazon. I'm deadass. Uhm, how much is it first? Tell me how much it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want, let's see, I want everyone to have a different role here, so we need to, alright, so Phineas is a teenager. Sure, yea, the good looks. Uhm, the doctor, or the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shanshy with the clerk. I feel like Shanshy with the doctor or the nurse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks, Lewis. Yeah, thank you. Wow. Clerk is column.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so, uh, this is, who is this by Shannon? Do we have any background information?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Content's pretty accurate. Just fucking try to read it. Don't be an asshole and read the, if it's spelled wrong, read it that way. I hate when people do that. Just fucking know what it is. You have the ability to do that. I could never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna go in there, you're gonna tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't love you back, so be it.


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[Assistant] She's the most beautiful girl in the world. I mean sure her face is kind of weird and her accent is terrible, but I love her. And today is the day that I'm going to tell her how I feel.


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[Assistant] Also a little writing error there and elevator doors would just open back up as I slipped through them. There's no slipping through elevator doors.


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[Assistant] Shannon, can you play cowboy somehow? I mean, we're going to do it. Set the fucking mood here. It's a good tune. Don't make it too loud. Calm speaks like a dainty woman. Okay.


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[Assistant] What the fuck? Dude, I think she's dying! I'm gonna try mouth to mouth!


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[Assistant] No, I can't deal with a lot of pressure. That guy, that guy's awesome dude, he gets the entire prize package. Look, if you send us something that good, if you, look, we're not gonna make it a contest anymore, we're gonna, we're not animating this. Or if someone wants to animate it, please animate it, I don't give a shit, edit it all together, make it great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give that guy the price package though, cause that was all, he put a lot of work into it. I legitimately laughed out loud at that. Get him a t-shirt, we'll get him a mug, we'll get him a hoodie.


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[Assistant] And, uh, yeah dude, we'll fucking hook you up with some other stuff. Hit us up. Uhm, that was awesome. If you guys have any fan fiction you want us to act out in the form of a play, uh, please send it realassofficial at gmail.com. And that's the show, boys. What a great show to know. Really loved having you guys on. As always, as always, a great time. Uhm, Shane Gillis. Mike Fiendog.


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[Assistant] Holland Terrell, make sure you guys follow me on my Twitch stream as well.


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[Assistant] I'm my fresh maker, hell yea. Zachumiko, Shannon, follow everyone. Nate, the new Harrington. Oh, how much better it is without Harrington. So.


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[Assistant] 70? That's no good. We need to keep it a cool 65.


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[Assistant] I'll sub, I'll sub with column, I'll take that. I'll switch with...


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[Assistant] Oh wait, wait, wait, this is something you don't want to hear. Last night, fuck plugs, last night, uh, me and uh, the lady went to a bar and


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[Assistant] When we got in there, she took a slight stumble, did a misstep and the bouncer was like, all right, you guys got to get the fuck out of here. And then he was like, actually.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think, yeah, he's obviously pretending to be.


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[Assistant] Uh, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. That's it. Zackamiko.


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[Assistant] It's a rare strand of it. Yeaah. Uhm. I think it's legal in California now to, you can fuck people with HIV and not tell them. That's crazy. I think it's legal. Like, you don't have to tell them.


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[Assistant] Knock it off down there. Huh? Huh?


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[Assistant] I'm tutting. Uhm, yeaah, I've never gone anywhere with you where you haven't tut-tutted.


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[Assistant] We were at that fucking steak, uh, steak house. He was just being a cocksucker to everybody.


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[Assistant] This is, you know, only in America. A Puerto Rican and black lady arguing about Japanese food. This is great.


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[Assistant] Wow. Oh yea? Shane? It was edgy. It was very random-esque. You're like a Puerto Rican rand- How does Bane feel about that raping?


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[Assistant] What does he say? I was born in the darkness. He's getting better. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Wait, Colm, Colm, you have to do yours in the main voice.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. What's up everybody? It is the Legion of Skanks podcast. We are live in the Gas Digital Studios in East Village, New York. I'm your host, Big Jay Okerson. The Skanks are all here, of course. Davey Smith. Lewis has an interesting energy tonight. Yeaah. It's weird. It's very pink. It's very, uh, tight pink, uh, sweatshirt energy.


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[Assistant] It is, let's get into a fucking club flight. Is this tight? No, it's fitted though more, it's not loose, it's not a baggy sweatshirt. It's tight bro?


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[Assistant] Yeah, man, I'm, you're just filling it out, dude. I'm, I'm 20 hours sober and usually it takes a couple of days to adjust. So I really, oh, you're forced to deal with that energy. Yeah, I'm sober. Okay. Why, for what?


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[Assistant] Uh, that of course is- I'm intermittently sober. I'm sober for twenty hours and four hours I'm fucking- Just introducing everybody. Uh, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, of course, Luis J. Gomez. Thank you. And, our guest, our guest I guess, he gets to do it every once. He's the president of the Legion of Skanks. He's the only one Ari can't veto. The acting president of the Legion of Skanks, everybody.


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[Assistant] The number's not bad. You think he looks older than 43? No. I would be like, J? If I didn't know J, I'd go...


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[Assistant] Seventeen year old pissed off at his dad. Yeah, right. Papa, he called today though.


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[Assistant] In your fucking face, dude. Oh, by the way, you would have enjoyed this. My papa did not call today. No, you would have enjoyed this very same thing though. My dad calls, still calls three times on my birthday, now to make sure I answer the phone, but that was pretty awesome when I was 13.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, my dad, uh, no, he, and he told me he faked his death because my, he hated my mom, and she was crazy, and like we had like an emotional, like I hugged him and I cried, in the dream I cried, it felt like I was legitimately meeting my father. What'd he look like?


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[Assistant] See, I cut off my mom. My mom has never looked more heroiney than in that photo. I wish you guys could see how heroiney she is. He really looks dark and does not look like you. He looks like Corliss Williamson. Is that really your dad?


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[Assistant] That's just some dude your mom told you was your dad. If your mom was super white.


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[Assistant] Yeah. So that, yeah, he was black enough that it brought Louis like skin complexion down to being able to shave his head as a child. Now, Louis is just a pale black man.


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[Assistant] That's an odd look, man. On Indian? Woah! Oh! Christ almighty!


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[Assistant] Laser eyes, dude. Can you please look this up? I'm, I'm, I'm 90% sure that only white people can, or only, uh, only brown people can be albinos. That's crazy, you think that? Why are you standing behind this so hard? Yeah, it's dark.


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[Assistant] They're all white. Yea, they're all winos. Yea, but you can tell.


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[Assistant] Albinism. Done. Yea, bruh, I mean Rob May was saying you could be a white albino. He comes from the capital of white Canada. What does it say, Bob?


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[Assistant] Bobby, this looks difficult, man. This is crazy, dude. It's so easy to look this up. By the way, Shane's also been looking it up for five minutes. I already got it. It's nothing. Yeah. Can we see an image of a European albino?


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[Assistant] I already got it. Done. Looks pretty good. Done. Boom. That's just, that's a, that's a hot blonde. It's an albino, Lois.


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[Assistant] Asian albinos are hilarious. Asian albinos are the funniest perhaps. They're adorable, they look like fucking mogwais. They look like they are.


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[Assistant] He, uh, was very good at reading Bobby's body language. When Bobby grabbed that microphone, Lewis was like, I can already tell by the way he's grabbing it. He agrees with me. And then he really did agree with him. I was kind of impressed by that. Is that what it is Bobby? Were you not finding it on purpose because you were trying to find something to support you and Lewis's nonsense?


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[Assistant] Plants can be albino. I bet you that a white person that's an albino has African blood and they don't know it. Look, here's Jews with albinism.


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[Assistant] Was, I mean he's fucking up on so many levels today. I want him to be here.


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[Assistant] He's an idiot. And I, and I like gay Mike, um, but.


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[Assistant] You should be, uh, sucking my fucking dick, Shane. How about you have some balls and step up and challenge yourself?


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[Assistant] Oh thank god. Oh yeaah. Well bring the beer, go get the beer, and then we have to figure, Jesus, we gotta figure you out. Cause there's a lot going on today, doggy. Have some pride, dude, don't... You don't need this job. He's got, of all days he acts like this, the president's here.


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[Assistant] I don't mind a retarded hurricane. I'm ready to ditch, uh, Puerto Rican Stanley, put in retarded hurricanes. Retarded hurricanes, pretty great.


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[Assistant] I was on my way into the studio and I called up Alex and I said, Alex, I'm on my way down there. I'm going to be there in about 15 minutes. This could be about 20 minutes before the show starts. I was like, I need a, I need a sandwich because I haven't eaten anything all day. I've been running around all day. Can you have gave my


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[Assistant] Makes me sick, dude. Can you have gay Mike order me a sandwich, I say? Put the beers over by us, the people that are gonna have them. Thank you, Mike.


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[Assistant] I said order me a sandwich, okay, and uh, the number 101 on a spinach wrap. Obviously. Obviously. And I get down here, when I finally get down here. This is true.