[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I told you that this is real fucking sad, dude. The other day here, I woke up on the couch and I like was half dreaming about the dog coming up and like bumping me with his nose, which is how he used to wake me up. And I was like dreaming about it and I was like, yes, yes. And then like I woke up and I was seriously, I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll hit you with the analysis. I didn't hit the fucking analysis. I was mad. Hit the analysis. And then the next day I was like, sorry about the analysis. You're great. I did it on purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We talked about this, and I'm like, yo, I need that. I need to hit that, and then I'd feel bad, but. Just getting up there and being like, yea, I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't play the game at all. I'm just full of fucking panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's something. Cause this, to get us off the relationships thing, this was really, this is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. It was last night. So there's a girl that works at helium that rides a bike and we were all at O'Shea's drinking and she drinks sometimes and then was hopping on the bike. And right before she left, I was like, that's crazy. You just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rock that bike home and like, you might be fucked up. She's like, I don't ride it when I'm wasted. I was like, alright, cool. So then she starts driving down and everybody's outside the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a documentary on Netflix about a nugget wrestler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, that guy will fuck anybody up. There was an MMA fighter that was like, named Little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one legged wrestler, they always, they never fixed his fucking uniform. Yeah, so his other leg was just hanging off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sibians are cool. Sibians are real cool. That was when I was a young boy that was like, I thought that was the coolest thing in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, it takes, it takes a lot to get up there. Like to build yourself up to go to the show. You gotta be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every once in a while I'm like, damn, how do I do this? Do I do this for real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you hit me with that on Sunday. I needed to get to that train. We had like 10 minutes. Oh yea, I transport you. You transported hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a fucking sore throat from yelling. Do you really? I was screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? That kid is... There's a video of this kid, this band playing at Denny's. They're in a fucking Denny's and they're a hardcore metal band. And this dude walks out with the sickest fucking energy of all time, dude. He comes out, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they start jamming and the place just goes nuts dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was like, you know, I've been sad. I literally watched that and I'm like, this is sick as shit ever. Like that, that dude's fucking like confidence to be like, yo, I'm in a Denny's. I don't give a fuck, dude. Dude, he's like, I'm gonna rock, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were all, everyone was like, alright. They actually went along with it. It was a great show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up Denny's? They were all like, that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've actually been doing. I've been going on stage and being like, damn, dating sucks. I don't have any jokes about it, I'm just like, it fucking sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing with the audience, though. So they're fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proud of themselves for having a fucking kid too. So like when someone goes on stage, it's like, I don't know if I want kids. They're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just so excited that you're now, this is the first, your real experience with Matt. Matt is a space cadet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was, dude, that's what I was saying when I was wearing that nice outfit for the show. I was like, dude, the second I walk into the helium and somebody's gonna be like, cool shirt dude, I'll be like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had uh, basketball shorts over it. I had dry fit gym shorts on it in my underwear. I didn't have any underwear. It was in the wash here. So I was just wearing, well it was just real thin dry fit shorts. So I mean dude if anyone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember we did that in South Carolina? I was trying to tell you this while we were there. Me and Matt were doing shows in South Carolina and we went to this fucking water park during the day. It was just me and him and like little kids. So I go down this slide right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was wearing Under Armour, dry fit shorts, with no underwear. I go down this slide, first off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just flipped right off my fucking thing. So now I'm just without a tube sliding down this thing. I get out, land in a pool, and just my dick's out right away. And I was like, yo, dude, get me a towel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, stunted growth. We got in the lazy river and some little boy, like, tagged along with us. We're like, be the kid. Get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, that was, yea, that was a dick out experience. And then the towels they had were like hotel size, like little mini towels. I was just walking around with a towel on my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, where are we at? We gotta- Yeah, we're Nate. Perfect. You wanna, you wanna fucking call it, dude? Yeah, man, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was like, they said if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere! Give it up New York! And like three people were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just got off the fuckin' road, bro. Dude, I just drove from Vermont to right now. Damn, dude. From Vermont. People don't know. They have no idea. The trucker blood is through the roof. People don't know the sacrifice, dude. I was with baby girl at her mom's house in Vermont. She's from Vermont? Her mom just moved there. They have family up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's up. Yeah, her mom lives there with, right now with her sister. So it's two ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old's mom? They didn't, they were not fans of me. Whaaat? They did not like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should, they should celebrate you. They were like Vermont, like, kinda like hippie-ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they weren't, they weren't. I'm not gonna shit on them like that. They were definitely nice, but it was like, uh, then we went skiing. Me and Claire went skiing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my cousin got in a fist fight over a troll doll. Did you really? I brought it to show and tell. He threw his out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, we were kids. I was at show and tell. And I fished his out of the trash can from his house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What grade was this? 12th. No. Yeah, we were seniors in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see I didn't have like older brothers or anybody around to influence my toys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost wanted to. I remember as a kid wanting to have like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. It's like, I wish I, you know, I probably dabbled with it. True, I don't, you know. I probably gave it a shot. I was like, what's up Fred?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never. But uh, back to this incredible, incredible weekend. So you're skiing, you're hitting the slopes. So we hit the slopes, do you know me dude? Sure. I'm shredding. Of course. I hit a couple black diamonds. I'm just imagining you hitting the air and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it was crazy. It was gnarly, dude. I shredded. No, this is what actually happened on this fucking hell trip. Uh, on the way there, I had to rent skis. So we're going to this shop. Ski blades? Or skis? Ski. You need a ski blade? I didn't blade it. Are you serious? I didn't blade it. I went regular skis, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is my first taste of ski culture. Sure. Ski and snowboarding culture is the gayest shit in the world. What happened? So we, I get into this place and this guy, this is so funny, this guy is like, alright, let me measure your feet for these boots. I was like, alright, he was like, what size shoe do you wear? I was like, 12. He measured my feet and he was like, you wear a size 9. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's, it's, these are size 12 shoes I'm wearing. And my toes, like, I'm not, what are you fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, okay, I guess, are you telling me you know better than me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he gives me like basically the equivalent of a size 9 ski boot to put on. And I'm like yea, my toes are smashed at the front of this thing. Like I can't wear this. And he was like it should be a little snug, are you sure? And I was like dude, this physically hurts, I can't put my foot in the fucking boot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he asked me, there's a chart, and there's a picture of like a kid, somebody skiing, and then like an expert skier, and he's like, which one are you here? And I was like, I've never skied, like the first one, and he's like, oh, so you're terrible? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was old. Sure. This guy was like 45. Okay. Too old to be a cunt for no reason. Dude, I'm telling you. He's just a smarmy Vermont snow cunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I mean, I've never skied. Is that what you're saying to me? I've never done this luxurious hobby. You fucking pussy. It's like you've never fenced. Yeah, it was crazy. Sorry, I'm throwing a dip. This dip is the fucking anti-ski culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are some snowboarders, dude. People be doing some chow and a fucking thing. Not those fucking Vermont skiers, dude. True that. They're Chelsea boys. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then this guy, then he's, he reluctantly gives me like a size up in boot. I was like, I mean my toe is still smashed against the front of this thing. Yea man, my foot hurts. And he's like, I'm not giving you anything higher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's, whatever dude, just do that. And he was like, are those the socks you're wearing? He fucking upsold me on socks. Hard. Oh, he gave you some therms? Yeah. Eh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $20 therms though. Went to the register with this one pair of socks he gave me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I wear them all the time. And I was like, yeah, but you do dude. Alright, mountain man. Fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carrying heavy ass skis and poles awkwardly. Yeah. And then, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was still fun. Sure. Like it was still fun to be out fucking actually doing something. Skiing's sick. I haven't been skiing. I say it every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I said. Last time I skied was like 8th grade. I thought I was good. I would like hit ramps and shit. I bet 8th grade McCusker was like, I'm fucking, these ramps are insane that I'm hitting. You probably didn't really get air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's all these fucking dudes around. Like it's all snowboarders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always this like, veneer of like, peace and like, they're always like, life's good man, go out and fucking shred it. Yeah, yeah. Behind like, this weird veneer of like, getting pussy. Behind a weirder veneer of like, they all get fucked up. They're all like, drink an IPA and hit the fucking slopes. Fresh powder. So dangerous. They need, you need black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Connor McGregor needs a black dude in his ear. Being like, fucking stop being a dildo. Who's, uh, Drake? Isn't Drake kinda his boy? Drake's, uh, bandwagon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shows up in like Alabama gear. He was with Kentucky for a while. They started to suck at basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be back. I'll be back, Jersey. He's kind of, he is kind of fucking lame. Back to these motherfucking skiers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's any, it's literally, it's parrot heads. Yeah, for sure. Parrot heads, yoga, rock climbing, skiing, it's the same core group of people. These like fit 40 year olds. They fucking bother me to no end. Stop being fucking hot. You fucking pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, put these skis on, do this hellish march. Get in there, get condescent. There's a bunch of foreigners there, there's a bunch of fuckin' German, I hear some Scandinavian accents, I don't like it. They're all fuckin' gar-peet-bleepin'. They're all fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude, we were sitting on a bench like, getting our boots on and this dude was like, make some space!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For him to put like a bag down. He literally said make some space. I couldn't believe- I stood up in his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stood up in his face to be like, yeah, you know, I'm a foot and a half tall and you shut the fuck up. I'm gonna kick these fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The drop off point. And I was just instantly like, oh shit, oh fuck, I can't ski. Yeah. Right? We got up, I was like, oh yeah, I don't know how to ski. So it drops you off at the top of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the, this hill was like some hard, hard hills. Sure. Like if you go left, it's really difficult hills. If you go right, you can take the trails down slowly. You've never been skiing? Not since I was in 8th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no idea how to control this thing. And there's cliffs. Yea dude. There's like into the top of a mountain and there's a thin rope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we get off, I can only just go straight. I don't know how to do anything. And I get to like the edge of like a pretty steep hill and just fall. I was like, I gotta just fall. So then I just get off the lift and just can't stop and just lay on the ground. Claire's like, she literally peed her pants laughing. Was she good at skiing? Cause I couldn't stand up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I fell, I was like, now I can't stand up. Sure. She sucked, but she was significantly better than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, help, I don't know how to ski. At the top of the mountain, I was like, oh fuck, I can't ski.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only went down three times? Three times. What? It got freezing. We got there too late. True, yea fuck. We got there late enough that when we got there it was like 12 degrees. And by the time we were done it was like, it was like close to zero. And that shit gets icy too. And I didn't have goggles. I had glasses, I was wearing sunglasses. That's gnarly as fuck. That's gnarly as fuck. I was wearing Ray-Bans bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole way down on the third time my eyes were crying. Really? Sobbing tears. Tears just flowing out and then like freezing on my chin. It was miserable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun. Skiing is fun as fuck. Yeah. But the people that ski, like they all, there was all the, like on the way up on the lift, I noticed all the stickers for different like ski groups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all like fucking go ape and like a picture of a monkey skiing and like just fucking weed and like gay shit. When people, when white people have their own activity, it inevitably is fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes towards the fucking, like, good vibes only, man. It's like, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, life's good. Exactly. They all have jeeps that say fucking life's good on them. Fuck you for skiing. So I get home and my friend Jared, who's one of the funniest people I know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. Yeah, ski, ski culture. Skiing must have been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah. Then, uh, my friend made it simple. Things are either for fags or for pimps. That's the world he operates in. That's how he operates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything I can't do, I'm just like, this is gay. This is gay as fuck. That's a good way to do it though. Yeah. That's how, that's how I survive. Yeah, true. If I can't do something or be something, I'm like, this is fucking gay. If I see a hot guy, what a fucking gay bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's uh, that goes back to just a hot dude dancing. It's like definitely gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the one thing that bothered me was the, at the ski thing, the lady was like, I was like, what time you guys open till? Cause the mountain closed at four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were, they were like, we're open till seven, so that gives you some time to, you know, have a couple brews, have a couple IPAs and then drop your stuff off. Yeah. Just like, could you guys knock it off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun, though. Skiing was actually fun. Skiing is fun, man. Skiing was fun as fuck. Once I s- not- didn't fall over. Sure. It was really fun. It is a blast. But then again, seeing dude, like, snowboarders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, a 40-some year old dude, like, cut me off in the lift line, and he was wearing, like, a trippy jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there, if you're an elite snowboarder, your whole squad is evil hippies. Sure. They're coat, they're grabbing your coattails and you're a snowboarder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a giant running, cause I was cutting across the main skis the entire, like the main slopes. Cause that's how the bunny trails go. You gotta cut across and go. I was cut across and be like slow zoned and my bitch ass was cut through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nice to see dudes that sucked at snowboarding though. There's always dudes just falling down the entire way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was full inception. You had sleep paralysis. It was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever, uh, the same, the same day I figured out what sleep paralysis was, there was an article on this thing like exploding head syndrome?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I have. What's that? And I never knew about it until like, sometimes right when I'm falling asleep I'll hear like a super loud bang. What? Super loud, like a bomb. Holy fuck. And I can see a white flash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a Wikipedia article about it. And I was like, oh I have that too. It's like when I'm falling asleep, I'll hear a loud bang. And wake up from it, but right before, like with the bang, there's a loud, there's a big flash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your head just goes poof. Like there's like a loud noise. And you can like see it. It doesn't sound like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's never scary. I'm always like, alright, something fell. And it's, you know, nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ghosts and shit, man. That's what I said about sleep paralysis, right? Like I was like, if I never found that Wikipedia article, like three months later, I was going three months straight of just like, that was a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demon dude. That was a real daemon. That was a daemon. That was a full on daemon. Dude, that's sick you channeled your fucking inner...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't think they liked me, but I don't think they cared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they definitely didn't take me being a standout comedian very seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, oh, Clare says you just got management. I was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what is it? I was like, ah, it's called AGI, like, sounds like a bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway. Well they're just, they're heads just. Yeah, yeah, but then when I made fun of Claire or them, they got upset. Yeah, cause you're in a girl house, bro. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, I was laying in bed that night, like, I don't think people like me. It's like, I think I'm a fucking dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Trying to fucking ruin my nut. Yeah, fuck that. Uh, but. Yeah, I was laying in bed like, everyone thinks I'm a fucking dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a rough, yeaah, the goblin visited me in Vermont. What the, yeaah, that's for them, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there was the dad there being like, stay away from him, he's trouble. That'd be good. True. But when it's just a mom that's like, yeaah, he's kind of a dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you- And I never teased anything, like, hard. Sure. But it was enough for- You tried to join in. Well, you're also coming from, like- I was on my family's schedule of, like, trash, whoever- Exactly. If someone came into my house and trashed me, my whole family would be like, they're great. They're so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family calls me a dickhead. This family is like, I think he might be a dickhead. Claire's like, you're a dickhead. Everybody I've ever been around is like, you're an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you gotta be quiet, you gotta be quiet. They already think I'm a dickhead. Don't fuck, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, so then the next morning we go skiing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Damn, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, that was, uh, it wasn't, it wasn't that. It wasn't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vermont's real weird. You gotta tell me that. We were driving up and I was like, this is fucking weird country. It's like Maine. Dude, Maine has a lot of like backwoods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're dumb. Yeah. If you're from New England, you're a fucking idiot. I agree. I don't like New England. Me either, bro. I only like Pennsylvania. Fuck yeah. New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that old guy walked right up to him and started banging a drum in his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' heckling the shit out of these Native Americans. One of them walks up, one of them walks up and is like, hey, could you guys not do that? And they're like, shut the fuck, like they just crushed this dude. And it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, there was a fucking, there was a red skin with a fucking, he was ready to go. It's sick when Native Americans mix their culture with like cool western outfits. For sure. I've been a fan of that for a while. Fuck yeah dude. Back in the day when they would wear like western like a vest with like crazy shit. They had to. I love it. Yeah, that was all the gear that was kicking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw less of the Mohicans when I was young and I was like, Indians are the shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking weird, dude. Well, it's to combat the kids that are in your high school that are die-hard fucking liberals. Both. Fucking bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it depends. It depends. Cuz they probably went down there to troll. Sure. Definitely a bunch of high school kids on a field trip. Not one of them gives a fuck about abortion. True. They were down there for the March for Life. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just wanted to take a field trip to D.C. They're like, let's wear our MAGA hats. Wearing their MAGA hats, being like- So they went down there to own libs. They went down there to own libs, with a pro life march. My high school was there. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can get it- Like, before the- Whenever you're pregnant, you can have an abortion there. But-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, it's only if the woman or child's health is at risk. It's not like you can just be like, give me this abortion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So when I- Someone just hit me with that. Somebody tweeted that. Yeaah. Like on Friday, I think is when it was big. I was like, what the fuck, this is crazy to like celebrate this. That was a- I was fucked up. Which is weird because New York did celebrate it. They made like the spire of the Empire State Building pink. And they're like, women's reproductive act is signed. We did it. It's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucked up law. Yeah. Like let's maybe it's like, yeah, sure. It's good if it actually is helping people that like might die giving birth. Sure. Which is terrifying to think about. It's also like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's not act like this is a, like, in your fucking face Republicans. Yeah. Which is every article. It's like Republicans have delayed this act for years. It's like maybe because it's, you know, at that point, pretty late for an abortion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the first news article I looked at was Breitbart, that was like, this is infanticide, this is killing a baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, well that's what I was saying. I was like, women's, if it's the mother's health, I wonder how lenient they'll be with the law. Like, her mental health, her, you know, all these different like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there's some other big news this week. What? You hear about Roger Stone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you'd be all over it. Me too? No, he got arrested by the FBI. For what? I don't know. I figured you'd be all over it. I didn't fi- Dude, I've been, uh, I've been- You were shaman-ing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, 33? Lady legend, dude. Wow, you're a fucking geezer. It's my Jesus year, baby. Jesus year. I thought it was 32. I thought it was 32. I thought it was 32.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So like, I get, like, it's funny, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that do stand up, that don't have a job, they'll be like, it's Friday, it's a weekend dude, I'm getting fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you don't do anything. You don't have a weekend, dude. Yeah, don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea. Serious as fuck. You're very serious, dude. Serious as cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The birthday thing is weird. To celebrate a birthday as a man is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I have days, days, like back to back days with zero anything scheduled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fucking sit down and play a video game for like seven hours. See, I can't, yeaah. And then just, like, I'll look at the clock and be like, Jesus Christ, it's 3am. Damn. This is pathetic. Yeaah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like, I'm a fucking loser. Yeah, I did slow down. Red Dead Redemption didn't help, but yes. Cause it's like...


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[Assistant] I'm actually, like, not enjoying it. That's the thing. That sucks. Like, if I want to do it, I'll fucking sit down.


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[Assistant] What the fuck am I doing? Yea, it's funny cause I have that feeling and I'm just like, bah fuck it my life sucks anyway and just keep doing it. Hell no dude. Yea. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, speaking of colonizers. What? Got a little juicy tip on Facebook today, it was pretty funny. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a comedian in Philly. Sure. Who changed his name. Okay. You know which one I'm talking about? Yea yea yea yea. So he posted his Ancestry.com today. What is it? 70% European.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whaaat? I almost commented on Facebook being like, whoa, you got a lot of colonizer in you bro. Did he say it as like an evil that was perpetuated against him? I don't know, I think he just posted the results of his like 23andMe or whatever that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, Spanish, Portuguese, French. You got the big dogs in there. You got the real colonizers in your bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on in Spain? Motherfuckers, dude. They divided the world. Yeah. People don't know. This half's yours. This half's ours. Daaamn, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, bro. I almost commented, like, you got, you got significantly more colonizer blood in you than I do. For sure. How about that? That's interesting, huh? How about that? Seriously. I should change my name. You should. Fucking William Wallace. You should. I'm a freedom fighter too, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mean to cut you off, but I was listening to, uh, oh, fucking Jordan Peterson on the way here.


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[Assistant] And I'm sure you already know this, but it's an evolutionary, like racism is evolutionary. Yep. It's like because people from other races or tribes would come in, the fear of other. Sure. Because they would bring diseases. Like it's an evolutionary thing to be like, get them the fuck out of here. Or conquer you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, that's, it's obviously, it's in humans. For sure. It's in every part of the globe throughout history.


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[Assistant] Yeah, not necessarily racism, but that's what we call racism now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. That shit is fucking wild. Yeah, I was getting a little racist this past week. Were you up on the slopes? No, well yeah, I was up there hating whitey. Hating fucking Europeans, big time. I was like, we need black people up here now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin', I listened to Carlin's Hardcore History on Japan. Mmm. Pearl Harbor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proposed Pearl Harbor and they were like, this isn't honorable. It's not how Japanese warriors fight.


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[Assistant] So, how'd they, did they kamikaze Pearl Harbor? No, I don't think they were kamikazes.


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[Assistant] It was a sneak attack. There was no war. They just attacked us. Not necessarily unprovoked.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Which is crazy cause- The Dutch and I- The Dutch were another people dude who were motherfuckers dude. The Dutch in Europe were pretty isolated. Yeaah. But they had the, you know, the India, the Dutch East, the East. Trading company yeaah. They fucking, yeaah, they were wild.


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[Assistant] You wanna play? Well what happened was they were really fucking up China. Okay. They were destroying, like, raping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, yeah. They were buttfucking China. Literally. And they were invading, yeah. Damn. Quite a few documented buttfucks. What the fuck? They were also, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were just taking other islands, and they were expanding, like their empire was huge. And we were supplying their oil. What year is this roughly? This is the 30s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, we gotta fuck these guys faster? They're like, we're taking all of Asia, it's ours. Okay. Uh, but then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, the United States, instead of intervening, because there were a ton of westerners in China, that were like, this is crazy what's going on here.


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[Assistant] And then what's funny is there's a bunch of Japanese historians that deny it, which is still an issue. It's still an issue that Japanese textbooks don't really acknowledge the atrocities. Makes sense. Well, there's so much shame, dude. I mean, compare that to fucking our textbook.


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[Assistant] Yeah, our history definitely filtered in. Like slavery was, we studied that every fucking year.


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[Assistant] We gotta appease him. These guys deny it. So Japan was buttfuckin' China hard. Damn. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were like kinda calling for intervention, but no one wanted to like, have an all out war. So the United States was like, we're gonna cut your fuckin' oil off. Cause we were their oil. Without oil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were the lube. Yeah, and I think we gave them like a year. Stop, stop buttfucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you don't stop buttfucking this year, we're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Romans were, yeah. So we were like, no, we sanctioned them. We were like, we're gonna cut your oil off in a year.


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[Assistant] And if we did that, they were fucked. Nothing would work if they did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a way to hold on to your oil supply. Yea, but then there's oil supplies around. That's held by European countries. Oh. In the Pacific. So they try to backdoor us? They attacked us and then started taking up as much resources as they could. And they had China. That was a ton of resources. True, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, they, uh, yeaah, they fucking snuck attacked it.


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[Assistant] I bet it was incredibly low, especially, that was towards, that was the end of the war. True, I mean, that was fucking done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the atrocities they were committing to people that everyone knew. Like everyone knew people that were over there. It's like, fucking get rid of these motherfuckers.


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[Assistant] We hit him with a nuke and we're like, yo, chill. And we're like, they were like, alright, we surrender. And then we hit him with another one and we're like, you better fucking stop. Make VCRs. Well the other one was like, sorry, we gotta test this other one out. Well the other one, again, I've said it before, the other one was like, at Russia.


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[Assistant] The Cold War was just a continuation of that. Of being like, yeah, we'll fucking do news. We were allies, but then as soon as everybody got defeated and there were two empires there, it was just like, alright, well we gotta fight you now.


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[Assistant] Yeah. But, uh. Hopefully they don't. Then, uh, Pearl Harbor was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were still raising the flag. They were raising the American flag in the band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About how, when Pearl Harbor happened, he like, was like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, as soon as Pearl Harbor happened and I knew the United States was in the war with us, he was like, it was over. He was like, Hitler's, and it's Carlin's voice, so he's like, Hitler's fate was sealed. Mussolini's fate sealed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we can talk that. But they were like, if we go to war with the United States, you have no idea the industrial power of what we're up against. Like, I've seen the oil fields in Texas, and the fields in the Midwest, like, if we go to war with them, we can't compete.


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[Assistant] I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not advocating for anybody in an internment camp. Yeah. But in World War II, 1940s, like, that's, that's kinda fair game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they probably hardly knew about concentration camps at the time. But they weren't like forced labor.


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[Assistant] It was not fun. I'm sure it was not the best. But, uh, yeaah, it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a horribly necessary evil at the time. Yeah. Japanese were getting a lot of information from Japanese people that lived in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Racism against Asians at the time. And there was obviously like, people trying to get them into camps for money reasons, like farmers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like California would be like, these Japanese dudes are killing the game, let's fucking get them locked up.


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[Assistant] Like, there was definitely some shady bullshit, but it's like, if we're gonna compare atrocities in the 40s, that one's not on us.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like we were up against ISIS in like a life or death struggle where ISIS could win. It's like dude, we cannot fucking risk this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's like, if someone tries to stop you, destroy them. So he's a devout fucking libertarian. He's an anarchist.


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[Assistant] Sounds like he's also capable of a mass shooting. I know it goes against everything he teaches.


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[Assistant] He denounced the occult, bro. This retarded guy from South Philly. Oh my god. Versus the Vatican, bro. You gonna come at my fucking Vatican? This guy, dude.


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[Assistant] But if he's coming at my fucking pope, dude, nobody comes at my pope.


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[Assistant] Dude, this guy... You better hope the pope doesn't call a crusade, dude. I'll raise an army.


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[Assistant] Me and the lads will take this dude on. Let's see if you accidentally allied me with the lads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All about the words mean, dude, you gotta learn about it. He should ignore the, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to church, dude. I just gotta go pray. Fair enough, dude. I just got, I got one, I gotta read the Bible. Yup. Talk to God on this. I gotta pray on this. Cause right now this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, this guy's like a black Israelite? No, dude. Like he's just spewing nonsense?


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[Assistant] Dean Minner. I don't know that motherfucker. You don't know Dean?


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[Assistant] What's up, Dean? Uh, new Patreon, meet Poo Butt. What up, Poo Butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Cruz also come out to laugh it up Poughkeepsie. Did you see that uh, flyer for that I posted?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Diego Pimentel posted it. This guy, he does the art for them. Brian Gonzalez, what up dude? Yeah, that fucking, that picture was sick. TJ Welsh, Drew Green, everybody dude. Everybody that's donated. Oh, Chris, Chris.


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[Assistant] That's like my favorite fucking name. Uh, yeaah, Laugh It Up Poughkeepsie is... Shout out AMP.


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[Assistant] February 8th, I'll be in New York at this thing called Don't Tell Comedy. And the 9th, I'll be in Philly doing Don't Tell Comedy. What's that? Uh, Don't Tell. You're not supposed to, I guess it's like a secret location until the week of. Ohhh. Which seems kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little dumb. Yeaah. But anyway. Don't tell comedy, I'll be doing that. I'll leak the location. 8th and 9th. 8th in New York, 9th in Philly, the 16th. Come to Laugh It Up Poughkeepsie. I'll be headlining there. I'd like people to come out to that. And, uh, yeaah, that's it. Alright. Keep donating to the Patreon. I think we're gonna do a Patreon episode right now.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Well, I told my kids, look, I made a suicide pact on a podcast. I have to honor it.


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[Assistant] The one, here's, this is it's like best thing.


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[Assistant] Everyone can cry and be like, well, the one time you said that mean thing about Mexicans, but show me the clip. Show me the clip.


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[Assistant] We pray. Our Fathers, Hail Marys, you name it.


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[Assistant] They're in jail or some shit like that. The juvenile detention kids. 88's for life. I don't know. They got a shooting on the field.


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[Assistant] March 3rd, it's Sunday. It's just a Sunday. It's just a rainy, rainy Sunday. Rainy Sunday. Rainy Sundays. What you up to, bruh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, dude, I thought, I thought the dogs loved me. The dogs were quick to turn on me dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was funny. The fucking retard Shane ruined it. I was like, I didn't fucking do anything, you dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't compromise the cast. Matt got compromised. Dude, I was on the wall. I supported Matt. Exactly. We talked on the phone and Matt was like, I think I should take it down. I was like, do what you gotta do.


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[Assistant] You did nothing wrong. It's a fucking podcast. That's our conversation. I was like, yeah, take it down. Who cares? I didn't know these people were fucking vicious little fucking greedy little weasels, dude.


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[Assistant] Cause it's like, first off, that's not even close to our worst episode.


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[Assistant] Like, dude, if you go listen to any of the early ones. Oh yeah. Dude, there was times I'd get drunk and be like, yo, white guys invented everything and we're the fucking best. Like, that was for like three months straight. I know. I'd be like, dude, diversity sucks in comics.


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[Assistant] It's like, it's weird, dude. I can't be around my family. Really? When I go home, people are like, you're a fucking dickhead.


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[Assistant] Pet death. You let me know if your pet dies, I'll fucking shout them out. Yeah, for sure. That was funny, I did that on bonfire, like a lot. Yeah, shout out people's dead pets. And then I started getting like DMs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people are like, yo, my fucking dog died, like every day. I'm getting DMs of different people, like, my dog's dead.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can put on some sick dog funerals. Oh, for sure. You did it right, cause you're not held to like religious standards. True. Okay, you can desecrate bodies. What do you mean like? You can just put it on like a firework, launch it in the air. Oh, for sure. You can do wild shit, you can up, you can tie a bunch of balloons to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time balloons to a dead dog and just floatin' it off? For sure. That's a good one.


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[Assistant] He loves when he can't stop. Yeah, back to that fucking meltdown, dude. That- True. I had no idea. Those little-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what sucked. This is what sucked about it. Was I had nothing to do that day. The day that this all popped off. I was like, alright, I still got this joint. I'll smoke some marijuana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, at my parents house? No, I just... You left it outside? No, I just had it in my jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my mom was like, you smell like weed. I was like, yeah, I have weed in my jacket. And then they were like, you're an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, she's like, you smell like weed. I was like, yeah, it's, it's weed, that's what you smell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I would have been like, let's smoke weed. She would...


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[Assistant] Every thread was like, you fuckin' fat fuckin' retard. I was like,


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[Assistant] And then just being high. Once I was done being high, I was like, oh I don't give a fuck at all. While I was high, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some dude just got compromised. I know, then I was honestly going to DM that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was high enough, I screen-shotted a picture of his son, and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, so I go home. Damn, you get high at a therapist? That lady must hear like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, you shouldn't, but you know, sometimes passions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's exactly what happened when I checked Reddit. Exactly. In the middle of the day, I was like, I just got NBA 2K19 on Xbox. This is going to be a great day. While I'm sitting there, I'm like, let's check out Reddit. I'm like, what?


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[Assistant] What the fuck? Dude, it ruined my day. Oh, of course. It took, and then I woke up the next morning like, what a fucking pussy. Yeaah. But, at the time, that was, getting high midday, just like, I was excited. I was like, I'm alone, this is gonna be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I sleep between Philly, home in New York, and travel. There's multiple times now I'll wake up, a lot of days where I'm like, am I in Philly or New York?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She could be in that net for 15 minutes and be like, I'm fucking retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead, please. You're gonna love this. I got, I got high and I was watching a movie with my roommate. And when the movie ended, we both were going to bed. So, I, he was behind me, walking to the bedroom. Oh, so you had to walk through your room? Yea, yea, yea. But, I said goodnight to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was stuck in my head till I passed out. I was just in my head like, is that weird? Am I weird to say good night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It's almost like an unwanted, I love you. Or like a- Good night, yea. It's pretty intimate. If someone hits you with like, alright dude, I love you. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's awkward to be like, I love you too. I know, it is. Saying I love you isn't bad. Saying I love you too back, that's when it gets weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright bro, I love you dude. Also, I love you too. Good night. Also, it's how you say good night. If you're like, alright, good night dude. Normal. If you're like, alright, good night. Did you do like a sing songy? Like good night. I think I did. That was the debate in my head for like two hours. How I said good night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was like, if I'm just like, alright, goodnight dude. Totally fine. Yeah. But if a dude is walking through my bedroom and I'm like, alright, goodnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, are you telling me the Zionist puppeteers are creating a social network to divide the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. It actually sounds a lot like the casino thing where it's like you keep them addicted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I stopped, I stopped Facebook. I don't get on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After my show last night, this British dude came up, and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he was the man, he was like, you're, you're hilarious, and him and his girlfriend and me and my girlfriend went and hung out, and we went to the bar and stuff, and then- Hanging out with the Brits? Yea, me and these, these Brits, dude. That's fuckin' awesome. But, uh, it was funny, cause he, like, loved stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except he only knew Joe Rogan. Dude. I was like, who, he was like, who do you like? And he was like, uh. Rogues. He was like, Joe Rogan, uh, fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's that UFC guy that's with Joe, the fighter in the kit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, he was like, that's one of the better comics. And I was like, what do you think of Louie? And he was like, who's Louie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got to, you got to introduce this guy to Louis. Yea, I got to introduce this dude who said he was a stand up fan to Louis CK. It was great. But then I was, this reminded me of his, his social media made me laugh so far. I was dying in his face. We were sitting at a table and he, he showed me his Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, cause he's yoked. He's a hot dude. So he, that's why he loves Rogi. It was so fucking, he, look at this picture of him and his boys in Dubai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just a jacked fucking Londoner? Hot dudes. In Dubai, I was like, you guys are so fucking gay for that. What'd he say? He was, I mean, I could tell it was mean, it was being mean, but like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's what he was doing earlier, he was on like a helicopter above New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's out fucking skiing in the Alps, dude. This is like this week, it was so fucking funny to just be laughing at this guy's social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He takes mirror selfies of abs. So fucking funny.


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[Assistant] He has to be getting ass. He was hitting me with the fucking rugby players could play, beat NFL players. And what? I don't know what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to tell him, I was like, you guys don't have black dudes. True. Like you don't have fucking black dudes. These guys, like, and I was trying to, I didn't even get into it cause it's, you know, he's from England. I didn't want to be a dickhead. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way. Look at the NFL combine right now. Those guys are like 6'8, 350.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was like, yeah, sure, the offensive lineman aren't going to be able to run the whole time. True. But they'll also murder if somebody gets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a book, I got a new book. What'd you read? I think I was telling you about Dopesick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know it was I-81, the highway like by my house is like heroin highway. Is it really? That's what they called it in the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The highway that goes through Mechanicsburg. Heroin Highway, dude. That's what we're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's from Oxycontin. Gotcha. And then it's from like the Appalachian. Oh, which way is the drugs wrong? I think Connecticut for a little. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. The Appalachians fucked up dude. Appalachian mountains is like all... Dude. Then I was watching, I watched, uh, I made Claire watch fucking heroin with me. There's a show, there's a documentary on Netflix. Really? Of this lady that just goes around and fucking gives people overdosing Narcan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking wild. They're literally dead. You'll hit them with a knock hand and they'll sit up and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a batch in this book that talks about the same town that the documentary's in. 26 fucking people OD'd in one day. God damn. From one batch, dude. Dude. They were partying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were talking, that's what we talked about, like a halfway house. Just dudes getting a hold of heroin and then partying in the halfway at like 10 dudes just nodding out in a room. But yes dude, tonight's gonna be sick, we snuck heroin in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are dying. People are literally just laying there dead. It's party time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, anytime I go to Kensington now, you see everybody just standing around nodding out. I'm just like, dude, it's party time. That's a sick party to get high as fuck and stand by yourself on the side of the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did that go? How did the musketeer comment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buddy Harris. Oh, Buddy Harris. Buddy Love. You saw Buddy Love, there's a black comic in a black conversation saying some crazy shit and Matt thought it was a white, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was like when I started to get introduced to it was Egyptian Facebook arguments. That was when I started seeing black dudes, like I didn't know black dudes had wild theories on history. I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black Conspiracy and Black History is so, Black History Month should be changed exclusively to Black Conspiracy, dude. It should just be Black Conspiracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a guy who would bring a candy bar into a house. Just sit there and start eating it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it two nights ago? Was it two nights? It was relatively recent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta ask you this, I gotta cut you off. Sure. Are you gonna have a PsyD March 14th? Oh, for sure, for sure. Alright. I'm so excited, dude, I haven't drank with you. I know, that'll be- Since the last live cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, you must have been killing. Were you pontificating, or did you set back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's funny is they definitely read that book by its cover. Like they saw a weird white dude in sweatpants and they knew exactly who you were. They could look at you and just be like, yep, he doesn't need to speak. We know exactly what he's about to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are mysterious. I do, especially when I watch Taboo. You still tell me things that I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good move. I'm on mean probation myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just, I'm on, I'm on strict probation right now. Take your horse back dude. I'm not allowed to be mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he said this, I was like, sleep paralysis. I experienced, I saw the interdimensional demon too. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how it gets there. Like no matter what you're on, you're like, I should be in a fucking, I should be a medieval warrior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What would you be? You'd be a dark priest warrior. I'd be a dark priest. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure you have. Yeah, most people are like, this is a homework assignment. You're up there like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you do alright in school? Did you get like decent grades?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he sent his son over to England?


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[Assistant] Dude, so the guy, the jack, she threw up on the jackdude? She threw up. First off, she was making fun of the jackdude for not being able to drink the whole time. Jesus Christ. She was like, I drink like a fucking fish. And she fucking puked. She threw up, yea. We probably hit her with a little GHB. He probably fucking roofied her. Yea, if you're that jacked. The reason they were on the trip, this is sick, she sued a guy.


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[Assistant] A guy hit her with his car, she sued him and that's how they're on the trip. What? She sued an old drunk driver for hitting him.


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[Assistant] Now they're on the trip, dude. They're having fun. And he knocks the guy out. He beat the shit out of the guy while the guy was in the car.


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[Assistant] She's puking in a bar off the money. God damn dude.


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[Assistant] Jack, he's British, he's got abs. And he sells jujitsu equipment. He goes to Dubai, he sells jujitsu mats. Fuck!


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[Assistant] Something like, oh, uh, Claire's phone broke, so I was letting her use my phone. Yeah. And she was like, he would never let me do that. Ever. He would never let me see his phone. Cause he's getting tons of other pussy bro. She was like, it took me four years to lock him down. And he was like, looking at me, he's like, you know what that's like. I was like, hell yeah dude. You're the best ever.


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[Assistant] I was like, yea dude, I drown in pussy also. So yes, I know exactly what you're talking about.


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[Assistant] English Chad and his fucking, dude, British people are sacks of shit. Oh, for sure. Like she, they were so fucking funny. Dude, it's the fucking Nexus of Evil. They're Jersey Shore, dude.


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[Assistant] There's like a full on fucking, any British tourist is like a Jersey Shore like.


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[Assistant] They're all fucking jacked. Their Instagrams are hilarious. British people's Instagrams are like ours times a thousand. They are fucking funny. They're all like, they're obsessed with social media and like, they get it. They go, they all try to take ridiculous pictures. It's so fucking funny.


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[Assistant] Just a Brit Chad dude. It was sick. I got to introduce him to Louie. He was telling me how much he loved fucking-


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[Assistant] Well yea, that's all, he got, he, so that was the only group of comics he knows. The Death Squad. Is the fucking Death Squad and like Tony Hinchcliffe. And I'm like, wait till you see Louie, dude, it's gonna be crazy.


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[Assistant] Wicked fucking funny then innit? Dude, that's fucking so funny.


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[Assistant] I forgot all about his chick thrown up in the bar. That's so funny. She was puking into a beer mug when we were leaving.


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[Assistant] You've made a mess of yourself.


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[Assistant] He's like, she's a bit fucking gobby, isn't she? You think he has like a ton of, she's a bit gobby. She's definitely gobby. He's like, what's gobby?


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[Assistant] Yo, how about that fucking subway ad I sent you? Dude, what the fuck was that? New York is so fucking gay. What was the ad for though? It's a wedding, there's these ads on these subway cars now that are for, it's a wedding app. Okay. Or it's a wedding company. Wedding app? Yea, it's like an app that helps you design your wedding. Okay. So all these ads are like...


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[Assistant] The first one was like Indian people, and like, we were able to plan, like, and then it was a bunch of shit I never heard of. Like our Sangrip, our fucking Deshmik, or like we planned all this through this ad. They organized like a long dance number with like the


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[Assistant] Yeah, we get it. You guys are diverse. You don't have to make up words and post them on the subway. But then this one was about a gay couple. These two fucking hot gay dudes that got married. The quote, we couldn't have pulled off the craziest three days of our entire lives without Zola. Zola's the company, by the way. It's our new sponsor.


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[Assistant] So then underneath it, it has a quote, uh, John and Mark, they swapped rehearsal dinner for a drag pageant dot dot dot featuring their dads. That's what they did.


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[Assistant] And then here's a picture of their fucking cross-dressed dad with his two, with his gay boy.


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[Assistant] Let me think about this. Dude, they had their dads do a crossdressing pageant. At their fucking gay wedding.


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[Assistant] Dude, they made him dress up. And dance. It's pretty wild, dude.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna, it's gonna be the top of my docket, dude. That's gonna be number one on my list. My dad needs to wear a thong. True. At the wedding.


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[Assistant] Everybody's trying to demasculate the black man. Exactly, dude. I'm not gonna have that at my wedding. Demasculate. That's not the word. Demasculate, yea. Demasculate? What about emasculate?


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[Assistant] How are you not free? I, I couldn't, I was, I was staring at that the entire subway ride. I was blown the fuck away, dude. Getting your dad's dress.


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[Assistant] Also, notice the black priest. The black female priest. In the back? She presided over the wedding.


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[Assistant] It's funny that that's what they were like. Alright, let's think of something like cool. What would be really cool? Yeah, getting your black priestess.


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[Assistant] Uh, what's like anti-establishment? How about our dad's cross-dressing at our wedding? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, dude. Stop.


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[Assistant] It's all just for New Yorkers to jerk off on the subway. That's what the homeless do to jerk off to. They're all just super woke.


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[Assistant] I mean, I needed, I had to, I had to get a hold of you guys to, cause I watched the Alex Jones. What do you say that was wrong? I just needed to get you guys take on it.


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[Assistant] That's fucking perfect. I thought you kinda sucked. You thought Joe sucked? I thought fucking Rogan buried him, dude.


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[Assistant] Full keto is the easiest diet possible.


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[Assistant] Can you eat wings? Blue cheese is perfect for the keto diet.


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[Assistant] This is. Carbs and sugar is what you're eliminating.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm trying to get information. I hear it all the time, it's stand up. Like somebody will go on stage and be like, there's too many fucking dumb people. And the whole crowd will clap. Yeah. It's like, well most of you are dumb. You're the dumb one. You're paid to come see stand up. Chances are a lot of you are dumb as fuck.


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[Assistant] Every video I was like, I would like to do yoga. It's just a smoking hot chick on a beach. Yeah. I just end up jerking off. Yeah. Just watch it for like 10 minutes and be like, I'm going to go jerk off now. Yeah. I've seen somewhere. It's like, I tried doing yoga. Yeah. I'm pretty relaxed. This works.


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[Assistant] What's your favorite porn? What if I toss up some Civito Bobby right now?


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[Assistant] If she's doing something right now that bothers me and I'm like, I can tell I'm fucking annoyed and stressed. I'll go jerk off and then just be like, there's, there's been times where I've jerked off and then like 30 minutes later I remembered her. I literally was like, Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm with a girl. Yeah. There's literally that happened like two weeks ago. I jerked off cause I was mad at her. Finished. And then honestly a half hour later I was on the couch like playing Xbox and I was like, Oh fuck. I'm going to fight again. I forgot about this fight.


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[Assistant] What was really funny is if she, she won't listen to this, this is Patreon dude, this is Patreon. But what's funny is it was a fight.


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[Assistant] Came, and then immediately changed my mind. I was just like, yea, you do whatever you want.


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[Assistant] That was like, when we started dating, I was like, could you not fuck other dudes? That's it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're wrong. Tommy has hit me with this twice now. I've gotten two girlfriend arguments with Tommy. The first one is about, he's like, the Eagles need the Cowboys to lose to make the playoffs. And I was like, no, you got this wrong. You got this wrong.


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[Assistant] The Cowboys can win the NFC East, which they will, and the Eagles can make the wild card.


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[Assistant] It's much more likely that the Vikings lose, or I forget who else was in there, than the Cowboys losing two games and the Eagles winning two.


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[Assistant] Half hour fucking argument where he has no fucking idea what he's talking about. And then finally, finally, which was really nice, the Cowboys won the NFC East and the Eagles made the playoffs. They both made the playoffs. So we argued for a half hour that only one of them could make it. So you'd be like, Hey, look right here. I was, I was actually like, you remember that argument we had?


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[Assistant] No, he was saying that the Eagles in order to make the playoffs needed the Cowboys to lose.


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[Assistant] What are you talking about? I know, he's like, you're a fucking dickhead. So two nights ago, we watched fucking Bohemian Rhapsody. Garbage movie.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's about Freddie Mercury. Also, it's PG-13, which is absurd.


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[Assistant] No, you don't, you hardly see shit. There's innuendo, like a trucker goes into a rest stop and Freddy, Freddy eyes him down. Freddy eyes him down.


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[Assistant] He's on the phone, he's on the phone with his wife back in England. This is their first US tour. Freddie Mercury? Yea. He was married? Yea, he was married at first. He was really trying his best not to be gay. But, uh, this dude walks into it, he's at a rest stop, he's on the payphone, trucker walks by, gives him the old eyes.


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[Assistant] Walks into the bathroom and Freddy, the scene ends with him like, peering over the corner into the restroom.


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[Assistant] But I was watching, I was watching and I was like, how funny is it that some trucker from Pittsburgh right now is like, holy fuck, that was Freddie Mercury.


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[Assistant] He's probably with his wife and kids now, he's probably 70, 60, he's probably sitting there with his grandkids, got a kid on his lap like, let's watch this Queen movie.


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[Assistant] So anyway, back to what me and Tommy fought about. At the end of the Bohemian Rhapsody, they play the Live Aid concert. They're like one of his last concerts. And uh,


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[Assistant] At the end, he started playing this song like it sounded off key because it was live.


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[Assistant] And Tommy was like, you see that? That's off key because, uh, because they couldn't get the rights to it.


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[Assistant] We're having fun. We're having a good old time, dude. Yeah, the, uh, Queen, Queen stock and deck is sick.


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[Assistant] Freddie Mercury just blowing dudes. Watch the, watch the, the movie sucks. I'm not gonna watch that. It's fucking garbage. The movie's one of those where it's like...


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[Assistant] Every time they think of a song, it's like Dewey Cox, where it's like a joke.


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[Assistant] Another one bites the dust, they're in the middle of a fight in the studio, and the bassist is just like, donk, donk, donk.


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[Assistant] He's like, facing- And they're like, in the middle of a fight and they're stopping and they're like,


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[Assistant] It's, the movie sucked so fucking bad. But it was better than Can You Ever Forgive Me? Have any of you heard of this? No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I had no idea. We're getting all those fucking screeners from the Golden Globes and all that shit, cause Steve's in the Screen Actors Guild or whatever. So we get all these screen, we have all these movies. Sag? Yeah. Heard of it. Yeah, heard of it. I'm in Sag and I don't fucking get anything.


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[Assistant] Ah, it's this movie with uh, who's the, Jen, Jen McCarthy? No. Jenny McCarthy? Melissa McCarthy. Melissa McCarthy? Melissa McCarthy?


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[Assistant] It is one of the dumbest, worst fucking movies. It's a true story about a lady, a writer who was like a failed writer who started plagiarizing like old,


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[Assistant] Letters from famous people. She just started making them and selling them to local bookstores. Then gets busted, and that's it.


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[Assistant] It, it was every single one of these movies we're getting that's up for these awards.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it's like 98% on Rotten Tomatoes.


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[Assistant] Nobody wants to say it sucks. Fucking stinks. Yeah, her best friend's a gay dude. Of course. It's like this new- and she's gay. It's like this New York story where it's like the whole time they're playing fucking jazz. She's going around buying like antique typewriters. So they're framing this like she's like- It fucking blows.


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[Assistant] Well, they also had, they had to bet, also it was really funny because every one of these movies are just like, they're woke. This year they're woke. Of course. Like it has to be something about someone's, you're disenfranchised somehow.


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[Assistant] That's the whole movie. Fuck off. But uh, in this one, she's like mad that Tom Clancy is making millions.


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[Assistant] And then like some fucking macho bullshit from some man gets a ton of shit.


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[Assistant] It's like, dude, you couldn't fucking touch Tom Clancy, you bitch. Clancy would drop you.


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[Assistant] Yea, Broad's right. Broad's have always been able to write. For sure. It's not that crazy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you're a female writer, you're fucking retarded. That's a true thing.


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[Assistant] I don't know. What's that based on? Emily Dickinson? She was retarded. She was afraid of outside.


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[Assistant] Dickinson. Dickinson's retarded. Name another female writer. J.K. Rowlans. Rowlans. Definitely retarded. She wrote a wizard book.


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[Assistant] That's true, John. Women's, women definitely have not been put down in entertainment. I agree with you. They haven't. They haven't. They have not. John McKeever, repeat.


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[Assistant] You do a lot of money. You do whatever you want. We hang out. When's your birthday? Dude, speaking of, did you watch the fucking Golden Globes? I know we're late on this. No. Bro, watch the opening monologue. Oh dude, I did see that. You will never see anything fucking crazy. I think he got kicked off the Oscars. The Oscars, yea.


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[Assistant] So they go, they do the jokes that are corny as fuck. They're all like, diversity, am I right? This is great. Like they're just sucking, everybody in there sucking their own fucking dicks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, is this an action movie or did you guys make a movie that symbolized the proper plight of African Americans when they came over on the slave ships and then were systematically oppressed for hundreds of years in America? Like he did one of those things where it just went real fast and he listed it and it was just like.


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[Assistant] So anyway, they do this monologue where they're garbage, no, nothing funny about this, and then it finally ends with this, what's her fucking name again? Sandra Oh. Sandra Oh is like, and I just want to say this from the bottom of my heart, after joking the whole time. Kind of crying.


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[Assistant] Then she starts crying. She starts like pretending to be emotional and is like,


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[Assistant] They said we would never see this much diversity in this room.


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[Assistant] And I see you right now. And it may not be this way next year, but this is it right now. And then she goes, I see you and like pointed at a table and they all started laughing. They thought she was kidding.


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[Assistant] Uh, no, it was the Asian lady made a joke that was like...


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[Assistant] At the Asian table, the crazy rich Asian table, they needed to give them like Pepsi DC or whatever. Cause I guess Asian people have a reaction to alcohol.


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[Assistant] And Andy Sandberg was like, what does that mean? And she was like, that's our people's thing. Don't worry about it.


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[Assistant] I know, I know. Yeah, I'm a Jew, so why don't you take it easy. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Then what was funny is I went and watched Ricky Gervais's when he hosted the Golden Globes.


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[Assistant] Amazing. It was great. It was so fucking funny. He just smashed everyone in there. I saw some of that.


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[Assistant] It's the same celebrities that were dying laughing at all the fucked up things he was saying, and then cut to the most recent thing and they're all crying and clapping and being like, this is, I mean, Viola Davis is over there. This is so powerful overall. It's like she's been to a fucking decades worth of award shows. When are we going to stop being like, this is incredible that she's even here.


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[Assistant] It's for white chicks and rich black kids.


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[Assistant] I said and. Yeah. White chicks and. Yeah. Rich black kids that are like, like Sean King. Okay. Like all these fucking people that are like, Black Lives Matter. It's like you grew up in the fucking suburbs, dude. I see what you're saying now, yeah. Shut the fuck up right now.


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[Assistant] Look at his butthole. Wait till you see his butthole, it's not that bad.


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[Assistant] Nah, that thing, that fucking ass tag you have, that'll fall off.


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[Assistant] I'm glad it's done though. I thought that thing was going to require surgery. That thing is brutal.


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[Assistant] I can't believe I forgot about it. That thing was on my mind for a week.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've never been into the, uh, gaping, uh, holes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know, like, porns are weirdos. Yeah, porns are perverts. You're not that wrong.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Five minutes. Just a quick jerk. Five minutes.


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[Assistant] Like that's what, like when a chick does porn, that's like what ruins your life.


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[Assistant] I like that type of porn. You ever watch behind the scenes porn? I have and I like that even better. I love it. Yeah. They're just having fun. Just the porn stars. They'll just start fucking each other.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't BangBus, it was Wiggers. And Hispanics. Yeah, long birds.


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[Assistant] As soon as they were like, we're going to check your bag, you should be like, I should leave.


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[Assistant] Firework accidents are just the worst.


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[Assistant] It is very avoidable. It's like when people get hit by a train. Yeah. It's like I can't really feel that bad for you.


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[Assistant] Oh, that was one. Another, I got two train stories this week. Two different people told me this. Uh, my girlfriend, they used to have a puppy and then it got hit by a train.


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[Assistant] I was just like, I was like, I can't, I can't feel bad.


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[Assistant] Wow, that's a puppy just walking around the streets. How do you not pick that up? Someone got him at the Y and turned him in.


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[Assistant] I love that dog. I'll give that dog some fucking gummies.


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[Assistant] There's a zero street cred dude. Wait, what else were these kids up to?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's brutal. Those videos are brutal, but that's, this is the same comic. She's been doing this for a while. She'll post a picture of her kid holding up a sign at the women's march. She'll post a picture of her kid like, I'm with her. Like it's like, dude, you are using your kid.


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[Assistant] To make you cool, which is insane. This poor fucking kid.


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[Assistant] Dude, his, and what's funny is like the liberal counter to that now is like that Alexandria Cortez chick, her being like cool on Twitter, which is gayer.


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[Assistant] Trump's funnier. He's 72, 73, and he fucks them up on Twitter. And that blows my mind every time.


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[Assistant] Did you watch that speech? No. There's a funny thing he does, whenever he's giving a very serious speech, he all breathes through his nose as hard as he can.


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[Assistant] Like this woman from Maryland, whose daughter was raped and brutally murdered by illegal immigrants. Or this man from Minnesota, whose wife was brutally raped by immigrants. Or this other family from California, who were all raped by immigrants.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, that's right. So Trump daddy fucking crushes up front. He did especially. At one point he's like, keep in mind that Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are both about to give a speech after me. They both voted for a border barrier.


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[Assistant] He said that. He like prefaced it. He was like, it was like a fucking roast battle where he went first and was like, well, the next group's a bunch of pussies that lied. He buried them hard there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't even, like, listen to his speech really. They just came out and was like, he's calling our presidents choosing fear.


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[Assistant] And like Mr. President, we are not afraid. It's just...


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[Assistant] Yes. Most of the guys that you hate in this debate are definitely like, I'm not a fan of that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that one, uh, the one that really got it like that was, uh, Philando Castile.


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[Assistant] I don't know, this, he obviously, the racism was, this is, get the fuck out of this. No, no, get in there. The racism, the, the, the claim was that the racism was like instilled in him and that's why he shot. Which could be, which could certainly be.


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[Assistant] Or maybe it was learned from being a police officer for a decade, I don't know. But, uh...


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[Assistant] That's another guy that's like, I think you did the right thing back there. When you lit up that fucking drunk teenager in the hallway of a hotel with a fucking like AR-15. Nicely done.


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[Assistant] They should do a 21 gun salute for garbage man.


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[Assistant] That'd be sick. They're the unsung heroes. They are. They really are. They fucking are. Trash man, that job fucking blows, dude.


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[Assistant] If I ever caught him outside, I would be like, you guys want some water? In the summer? Give him bottles of water? Gatorade? Yeah dude, trash man of the shit.


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[Assistant] True. Oh, that's right. You're trash prints. You're blue blood, dude.


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[Assistant] He did? I have been in the car. I've been in the car with Matt and he'd be like, oh shit. And see dirt piles and be like, yes.


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[Assistant] They don't, you don't like those. I thought that'd be right up your alley. It's a big pile of-


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[Assistant] Dude, I did that once. I fucking hated it so much. It was, it was, uh, right when I got back from Spain, I didn't have a job. And my friend, yeah, I did salting. That job sucks so fucking bad.


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[Assistant] I would do like one thing and then quit. I would tamp. That was the only thing I could do. We would build like back porches. I was a great tamper. I'm a big tamper. You need someone to tamp.


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[Assistant] If the tamper was too far away, you'd have to use it because the tamper is heavy as fuck. You gotta just fucking smash the ground. I would quit right there. I quit, dude. I quit every job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you get into it though, I will say that about manual labor.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're in it. Like I remember carrying, cause again, we were building like patios and shit, those like blocks to lay out.


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[Assistant] I was getting, I was getting crushed dude. You're a fucking, you're a scab. I hate, no that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, fuck scabs too. I just hate unions. I'm a fucking boss, dude. I'm a fucking breaker. You gotta toss a fucking inflatable rat out in front of him.


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[Assistant] Tweets N words all the time is pretty sick. Capital N words? You actually have to have that on your resume to get into the labor unions.


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[Assistant] Alright, before we go, we're probably getting close, right? Uh, do you wanna talk about that at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a clunky way to get into it. You remember that show me and him worked on? Fuck them. You know, I gave my computer back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we stroked hard. We stroked out. Well, they gave us laptops at this job. Kinda lappies you're talking. Apple.


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[Assistant] His was really nice. Mine was a little wonky, but it was still fuckin' nice.


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[Assistant] But it was like a $300 laptop used that he gave me.


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[Assistant] No, we never signed anything that was like this is a work computer or anything like that.


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[Assistant] I got a fucking like phone call that was like, or text that was like, do you want to mail that laptop to us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a chore, I don't know how to mail a laptop in New York.


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[Assistant] You know, the firefighter sketch, all that shit. But we stopped working for them after we made a sketch. And we had talked about, as soon as we started working for the show, it was like, we can't be deplorable. We can't have that in the name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like stop doing, like stop being ultra right wing. Like if we're, if we're middle of the road, this could be a pretty big success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it was hard to argue that it wouldn't, cause then he would post ridiculous dumb shit and it would get a thousand fucking morons being like, finally someone's sticking it to the left.


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[Assistant] That's because everyone else has gotten progressively worse.


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[Assistant] Sorry, we're like, and also you wanted to make it a fucking late night talk show with this, him as the main character. And I was like, I was like, dude, have you ever talked to a live audience and tried to be funny?


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[Assistant] He was like, yeaah. He had one guy writing monologues. Yeah. Who was out of his fucking mind.


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[Assistant] And I would, I would almost quit every single fucking day. And they'd be like, do you want to be here? And I'd be like, I mean, I need the fucking money.


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[Assistant] They kept doing that. Like, if me and John weren't there, they would do, like, as far alt-right shit, or right-wing shit as they could. Not even alt-right, because at least alt-right's funny. These were just straight-up right-wing, like... So anyway, we started talking to them about, like, the thing, like, tranny video. It's like, why are you saying tranny? Just fucking, like, make it funny.


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[Assistant] Yes, for sure. But then he, when we had that conversation about the Caitlyn Jenner thing, the head writer was like,


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[Assistant] So, we were working for this thing, and then once we stopped working, we had all agreed, it can't be a late night talk show. That's garbage. Can't just make it a sketch show, and make it moderate. As moderate as possible, and not even moderate, like conservative. Make it fucking conservative, but not like over the fucking top.


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[Assistant] You can make a funny conservative thing that makes fun of liberals. Cause nobody has that.


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[Assistant] We had to like, try to find a way to be like, say kneeling's okay, make the NFL the bad guys, like let's not be like, these goddamn athletes shouldn't be kneeling on my field, which the whole time when we were talking about that sketch, that head writer was like, I don't think they should be kneeling, and same thing with the fucking host. This isn't the time to do it. The host too, they were both sitting there like,


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[Assistant] I don't believe if I paid money to go see football, I want to get away from politics. And it's like, dude, shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] So we leave the show and then haven't heard from them for like a month outside of them trying to get our laptops and then


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[Assistant] That is one of the gayest fucking trailers you will ever see.


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[Assistant] It's D W E C K Dweck show trailer. Watch this thing. It is fucking crazy.


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[Assistant] It starts, it's like with Trump in slow mo giving a speech, you'd be like, wouldn't it be nice if someone made a late night talk show?


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[Assistant] It has charisma and hope, like all this shit, and they're talking about the host of this thing?


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[Assistant] It's about, dude, it is like, you gotta see the trailer.


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[Assistant] We don't know, but at one point they came back and was like, they did say the name deplorable was ridiculous.


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[Assistant] My first day, I was like, you gotta change that name. That thing's fucking ridiculous.


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[Assistant] And you're gonna be the star of it? Have you ever done open mic stand up comedy and you think you can talk to a fucking live studio audience?


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[Assistant] Unless, unless you're a black dude over the age of 35, you can't use dead names.


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[Assistant] Whatever, how old she is, like 50 year old man woman Bruce Jenner married a 25 year old man woman.


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[Assistant] And uh, hopefully they stick together, cause if these two can't make it work, maybe love's not real. That was the video.


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[Assistant] It was like, so the joke is you just said man-woman. Which, by the way, is pretty funny.


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[Assistant] To the dork groups. Or somebody that was cool. Did like fucking music that year.


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[Assistant] Which is actually what we did say the entire time. It was like, you need to change the show because it sucks or we're leaving. The entire time. True.


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[Assistant] A lot of the, yea, a lot of the critics of us doing that were people that make a hundred bucks every three months doing stand up.


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[Assistant] But uh, yea, just, just, anybody who's listening to this, go fucking watch. Please.


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[Assistant] Now it's back to just those two and crazy.


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[Assistant] Talking along, dude, yeaah. Just follow the trailer, dude. I can't fucking wait. Alright, we should wrap this up, huh? Yeaah. We're going long, right? Yeaah, we're going long. Wow. What time is it? Page one is long.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Johnny McKeevey's first Patreon. God bless everybody that's listening to this. You're doing a great service to this nation.


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[Assistant] What do you mean, scoop him out? They're like, oh, can I have a scoop out?


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[Assistant] We're joined by motherfucking Billy McCusker. What up? And motherfucking Spud, dude. What's up guys? The Spud dog. What's up fans? Spud. Yes, dude. Your dick is legendary.


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[Assistant] I had people in Newtrapoli, Pennsylvania ask me about your dick.


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[Assistant] Well, there's some, there's some who is in there. It just seems like there's girlfriends there. Girlfriends. Is that what you call strippers? Negative.


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[Assistant] Playing fitness? Ah, I drive past that every time I go to her house.


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[Assistant] How would she feel about that Planet of the Apes joke?


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[Assistant] Damn. Don't come at Rogues, dude. Rogues is the king.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, I was with Don-El the weekend he got beat up out front of a Pete's diner.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you got fuckin' tagged by MAGA supporters, dude. The fuckin', the, the, some big MAGA supporter came out of the back. Jesus fuckin' tagged him out. Really? Yeah. It's 2019. We're dealing with this. Shane Lamon. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, he went outside to smoke, but they thought he was running out on his tab.


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[Assistant] Show me the clip, dude. Play the whole clip. I know, that is true. I saw the clip. I watched the clip. It's like some come over and rape. Yea, they do. Facts.


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[Assistant] Damn dude. There was one reddit, nah nevermind. There's two of them. They're starting to turn on me slightly. Really? They turn on me occasionally.


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[Assistant] That one on the reddit today, on our reddit, was fucking hilarious. What'd they say? It was like, find you a man that looks at you the way Shane looks at- Oh my god, that was so fucking funny. Petrols, it was my fat face.


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[Assistant] His shoulders are too narrow, so all his t-shirts hang down to his elbows. That's all on his fucking head, dude. I know. Time to get their arms bigger.


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[Assistant] He has a brain cell. You guys weren't at the live show. Nah, I couldn't get to that. What happened to his girlfriend? She moved on, but he died.


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[Assistant] So now he's fuckin' sewin' his t-shirts. I told him not to do that. That's the one thing I fuckin' hated about the light fixture video is his fuckin' gay ass outfits and everything.


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[Assistant] Big ups. Yeah, Gurbys is definitely the fucking man. But man, his outfits fucking stink.


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[Assistant] Goat. Gerby's crushes, he still does. Yea, he does. Even when he thought he bombed that night at the show, it was hilarious. That was funny.


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[Assistant] He gets in his head though. It's the same thing. Like, he'll be having a good set midway through.


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[Assistant] Yeah, do you see Don Lemon like flexing like, I text Jesse Smollett every day and ask him if he's okay.


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[Assistant] Initially, I was firmly against him. More details are coming out, I'm starting to fully support this dude. Everything he did was fucking sick.


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[Assistant] Like as soon as they did it, everybody was like, nah.


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[Assistant] Why didn't YouTube take it down? Is it YouTube in the same pocket?


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[Assistant] And Trump daddy is above all this, right? I mean, is Trump daddy the one coming in?


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[Assistant] It fucking came out that Trump went to the island with Jeffrey Epstein to do some deal. Obviously great businessman.


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[Assistant] So he goes there, does not like what's going on cause he's pure Americana and he chills with everyone in the fucking like kitchen.


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[Assistant] His special is gonna come out 2020. Billy said we got invited to the 4th of July.


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[Assistant] It was sick to see Trump shut down DC though when he landed. All these protestors were out front, everybody just shut the fuck up, watched Trump daddy land.


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[Assistant] Nonstop. If you go in front of the White House right now, there's people just banging on drums. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] China has been approaching, but I watched a time lapse of GDPs in the United States. Ours stays at that bar. Everybody else kinda, Japan and China jump each other, Germany jump, like, shit like that, but everybody stays like half. Whoever number two is.