[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You seem cool as hell, don't worry. I got one for you. This has been, this is burning a hole in my pocket. Uh, I watched, have you seen Invisible Man? It's the ultimate, it is a white woman fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the movie starts this first off, ugly white woman living in a trillionaires house, cash money records, trillionaire dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's invisible and he goes and like, starts fucking with her first and then obviously he takes it too far. He like, kills her sister. Which is hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're out, they're out to eat and all of a sudden a knife's floating next to her and he cuts this. That part was sick, but the whole movie. So she escapes this boyfriend and goes straight to this black, this incredibly jacked handsome black guy's house. And I was like, I was like, I get it, dude. I get the invisible man be like, what the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jack's black dude best friend comes in to be like, are you all right? And he, his body is so absurd that it's like, it's comical. Like his tricep is out like a foot. It's like sticking out a foot. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She gets, she gets a bunch of money from the settlement with her ex. And this is my favorite part. Cause then she's like, I set up a college fund for your daughter and then her and the black people celebrate. She's saving the black family. Of course. Also, there's no, no mention in this movie of how this incredible, not incredibly ugly, but ugly woman for a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes no sense. The whole thing makes no sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. I swear to God it was every woman's fantasy. And then it's like just the idea of like every, they've never lost a fight. They've just been manipulated. He was such a fucking, I was gas lit so many times. It's like, no, you've lost arguments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The invisible man, and then all, like, yeah, and then there's a real plot twist when it's revealed she's pregnant. Recently. Which means the invisible man fucked her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the, it is the absolute white woman fantasy because her and the black guy just, they're just friends, man. They're just friends. And she's happy to help out the daughter. Wait, they don't ever smash? They never smash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they're just friends, man. Yeaah. This is the white woman fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at one point she goes on an interview to an architecture place and he just takes all her stuff out of her suitcase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This movie, it could have been so good if the invisible man would like fart in the house. Like a loud fart just in the room with you. He's here. He's here right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he faked his suicide to bother his ex. It made, the whole thing made no sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a stretch when you see the lady and then you realize that she was married to a billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw that one where you had to add an egg to the Betty Crocker or whatever that was, the cake. Cause women needed to feel like they were contributing. Say they did the same thing with camel soup. Okay, just pretend to add an egg to it, like that matters. I am helping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't think I ever had it. We never ate that, yeaah. I had a killer joke about it. I remember that. That's why, that's why the concern, I knew the concern was like, have I been saying that wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember one time you said a word wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even those are tough. Google pronunciations? Hard as fuck, cause you get three. Cause there's a robot saying it. Yup. And it's like, I don't know how to annunciate the way this thing does. Exactly. Can't be in the middle of a conversation and be like, mill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not, I watched it the whole, the whole way from start to finish that movie. I was like, this is. Where'd you watch it? Every woman's fan, in my, in my living room. With a lover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched it with a white lover. So she liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this is for every white dumb bitch. I'm a poor lover. But yea, I was just laughing at the idea of, uh, every single woman who's ever lost an argument has been like, he's a manipulative piece of shit. Like, no, you just can't debate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it sounds like exactly how life works. I'm not sure. You gotta get a little closer. Coming of age tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get these mics right up on you and me so they can all hear us breathing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got another one that's been burning and every time I say it, it makes me laugh and no one else really likes it that much. All right. So that guy who killed that gymnast coach who killed himself before trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getert, Nassar, Larry Nassar's boy, I think his name was Getert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nasser was the trainer and this guy was the coach. This guy was the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard a New England patriot be like, oh, fucking Belichick's, you know, he's a, he worked us too hard. Yeah. It's like count the rings, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just them being like, just this saying, just knowing you're going to kill yourself and having confidence going around like people, like the victim's families being like, have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or at least that's what I saw. I just saw like the helicopter footage and the cops were around a dumpster, which is hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just like, I'm actually not going to court. Just walking by in a dumpster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean Epstein, he checked out. Everybody was like, you're going to face justice. And Epstein was like, I bet you I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, well you have to be here at 10. I don't. I'm not coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could wear, you could, you could do that. You get your boys together, get like three or four boys, you all get different Power Rangers suits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but yea, killing yourself and being confident. Like, alright, Hitler, in the bunker. And they're like, alright, the Soviets are here, you gotta come out. No I don't. It's time for you to face justice. I bet you I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's another great impression. This is Japan calling the United States, not knowing we have nukes during World War II.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how there's been like UFO sightings around like nuclear silos and shit and people like think the aliens are coming back to be like, don't nuke each other? That means they turned a blind eye for Japan. That means even the aliens, when we nuked them, the aliens knew we had nukes. Wait, so there was aliens? Alright, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying nowadays, there's been a lot of like UFO sightings around nuclear testing sites, nuclear silos. Like there's one, there's a show, I think it's on Netflix or Amazon where they're like a UFO hovered above the base and like shut off all the equipment for like 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they believe it's like aliens being like chill with the nukes. But that means when we were like, we're gonna nuke Japan, the aliens were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they abducted a meth farmer. They abducted, you know, they abduct some guy who, you know, works as a, you know, he's up there foresting. He's a farmer that likes meth. I was thinking lumberjack. That was the word that was alluding me. You know there's no meth farmer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's like, well if you find anything up there, that was the aliens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder if aliens are funny. If they have a sense of humor. Because if they're funny, they'd be fucking with farmers. Quite a bit. I'd be destroying farmers. If I was invisible man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we're gonna be up against. That attributes no meaning to anything. Yeaah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he was living every seventh, every seventh graders, every seventh graders dream dude. It's like I just wanna fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cameras didn't work and the guards weren't there. It's like, alright guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't wanna be chilly. Give him some rope. Obviously. Give him some rope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could reverse cowgirl her. True. You could sit on top and ride it, ride it in backwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, yea, it'd be like a eyes wide shut scenario, like double. You're both on all fours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst feeling, nevermind. But that might be a bit of a, cause it also releases a good feeling. The tip of your dick feels good if you fuck your own ass. So it could cancel out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Put tip of your dick to your butthole while shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my soft penis. Yea, you'd have to be soft. You'd have to be soft. And you'd have to be soft and stretchable. Which I guess, penis is always pretty stretchable. Oh, the penis is stretchable. The penis is an elastic. Stretch your arm strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then when you stretch it while it's tiniest, it's so skinny. So skinny. It's insane how skinny it is. So skinny. Where's everything else? Get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Matt. I'm not gonna do it, I just wanna see if I- He's just saying, yeah, I got it. Put your sack and dong in your hand, and then pull the skin down, so it's just your two knots in the tip of your dick. That's very funny. Yeah, that's very funny. That's nice, it's good to have you back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad used to do that to me. Yeah, that was my dad's favorite. I had a friend who used to do the wrist watch. He'd just take his dick out, wrap it around his wrist and be like, you see my new watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that was sick when everybody's dick got big in like middle school, your dong and everything started filling out. Every single day someone was showing me their dick. And like, what does this smell like? From under cheese all day?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we used to, I mean, it would just be like BB guns. Yeah, hitting squirrels, hitting fucking robins. We had a lot of robins, shooting robins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, yeah, that's what aliens do to us. They pick a guy, uh, a farmer up and just like, we froze him dude, he fucking, he was still like, he was like, uh, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's an incredible story. Well, it doesn't matter. I would like to hear it. Whenever I get a chance to hear this story, I just like that it was in a blizzard. That's all. And I imagine he was wearing gym shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But yeah, if you're, if you're just a dude in the wild, if you're in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, all from beaches offline or online, it's a high risk life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. I mean, I don't, I bet I'm sure he's alive. You would imagine. But it's also his type of... That lifestyle is probably... Ten years of that. A decade of that is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, that's where meth, meth and heroin start coming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, la-morp. Dude rules. La-morp-ly. What's next for you? What's coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most women, white women tend to avoid it somewhat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun to watch. I really enjoy it. I love seeing, especially in comedy, all my alt and alt comedy enemies getting fat. I'm just like, yes, yes. That was one of my favorite things to do. It's not so funny, is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's gonna happen to all your friends. Like I remember in high school, cause I was always big my whole life and all my friends were always like fit. Cause we all played sports. They were all like, I think they all had like abs growing up, all of them. And then you start coming home and you see the boys getting a little chubbier, a little balder. It's like, yeah, of course this is what our dads looked like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can be dumb, but then you don't like, a lot of these guys, you get married, you just, you want to go drink some brews at the golf course. You want to go down to Armitage and black out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Babies suckling on their dead mother's tits. Oh man. I was just going to sleep as it puts me right out. True. And then I have horrendous nightmares. Oh man. Yeah, it's a good life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause I did that to you in DC. I grabbed your butt cheeks before you went off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've had gay dreams. I've had them before. I've woken up, yeah, I had a rough one once and I remember waking up like, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was when I woke up from, even in the dream I was like, trying to hide that it happened. And then I woke up just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It happened in the parking lot of my high school. In the head, in my car. Really? Yes. A man. Sucked my penis. Sucked my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, what's, you just, I'm sorry man, he raised his hand. Uh, I just wanted to know if you ejaculated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just these college, these college coeds, these sexy coeds. It's dude, it's crazy man. And especially, oh, right, right around now is when it's the, once it's March, March and April is. Good season. They all come out, they start sunbathing. September too man. Just in time for me to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they keep an eye out for a temple. You're not allowed to gawk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black dudes, black dudes are not allowed to walk by temple and gawk. No, but I mean people are very guarded about that. In my opinion. Oh really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's white privilege. Drexel is white privilege. Temple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this guy's incredible. This guy is amazing. I love him, but good God, that's, that, that girl's father's just absolute nightmare. Just campus security molded your baby girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not saying he's doing it, I'm saying fucking young white chicks in college as a black dude that's working security is a major risk as far as getting accused of something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think it'd be canceled. I'm just saying accusations of rape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they just did that with that girl who won, I think she was in Queen's Gambit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that lady? Joy, something Joy. She won like best actress or something. What? At the Golden Globes and they were like, finally a woman of color has won. The Golden Globes? And it's like, dude, she's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a woman of color. She won as a woman. And they literally, they were like, this is the first one since Halle Berry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was like raised in London and looked like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was our best first lady. Melania? By a mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I'm sure it was more than that. I mean it was the, he, he, it was the war. It was the whole war. It was after the war. He was, he was ticked. He was ticked with how things went. He was a gay actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was, he was a gay actor. Was he? Yea, he was an actor. John Wilkes Booth was gay? He was an actor, so yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he did do something that was very not gay, which is shoot a president in the back of the head. Kind of the most balling thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they might have shot him up. I forget. I think he was like hiding in a barn and they lit it on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lincoln being like, I'll see you after the play. And then John walks with like, I bet you how much do you want to bet he doesn't? I'll bet he doesn't see you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never really liked it too much. It's fun to watch you guys play when it gets heated. That's like my favorite thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is really fun. I think Wii Tennis is the best game. You know what was great was Mario Tennis. Back in the day, that was so fun. I almost bought a tennis game this... Last night, I was taking a gander at tennis games. It's very funny. Last night...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I woke up to just a horrible story about like a gulag and I had to pee. So I went to go to the bathroom and they, they talked to each other. They play basically Call of Duty. It's a game called Onward where like you have rifles. They're walking around talking to each other. Like there's one up there. It's great. They lay on the ground. They lay on the ground and snipe in virtual reality and they hide from me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were playing ping pong, which is also awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. Anyway, we got to go cause we got that show. Um, Lamar, thank you so much for joining us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this weekend, the 5th and 6th of March, I'll be at Bananas Comedy Club in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey. The, that's, that's one that nobody ever comes to. So if you ever wanted to see me perform in front of about six people in a Holiday Inn on the Turnpike in New Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tickets are flying off for the crown of comedy in Auburn, Alabama, dude. That's really awesome. That's when dark child's about to, problem child's about to bless. Problem child's about to bless the stage. There was dark child. There wasn't, there was miss dark child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Helium Buffalo is coming up. There's a couple ones. Keep an eye out. We'll talk about later, but yeah. Thank you guys. Matthew, you got anything you want to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think we should, no matter what happens in this election, we should seriously consider making Trump king of America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this funny of a guy, like a freelance illustrator, it's like, what's the assignment? It's like, uh, a baby being killed, grasping its mother's finger for the last time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you guys say to O'Connor right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're also talking about the, uh, the Mallorans. They say the Mallorans are gonna be a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well first of all, did you guys vote today? It's important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. Oh, actually, this is good. Okay, there are still team sex. How do you, what's your play on the Hunter Biden laptop situation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's pretty gross. How do you back that up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dog. Pornography. It's not pornography, Matt, it's art. Sorry, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think dudes would stop jerking off? That would be the ultimate cancel test. Oh, how big of a pussy. I won't jerk off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh, right. Nice, thanks, Doug. Thank you, Doug. So, the, uh, the blind man got his laptop and then I guess was like, hey, can you check this thing for dicks? To his site, his friend was site. So he's like, there's a lot of dicks on the site. And it belongs to the president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must be the most, dude, the Geek Squad? Who would have thought?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dog and Crockett. Hold on, here's a thought exercise. Here's another question and I'll get to you guys next. Chris, say you were the, uh, I think they have like Divine Ruler of China. I forget what their title is. Say you're the Divine Emperor of China. How would you have handled COVID in China in the, uh, you know, CCP?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Say your, okay, Trump did a bad, Trump did a bad job handling COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if you're the leader of China, like what lessons could he learn from the supreme ruler of China?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was the guy who like went to that rural town who's like an Indian meditation guru? Oh wow, wow, wow, country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. Welp, there we go. Blitzer is on the move. God. I haven't seen this guy walk ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a sci- I just read about a scientist recently who, uh, he like landed something on an asteroid that was like halfway to Mars by like just doing a ton of math. Then he showed up to like something to like celebrate and he wore a shirt of like scannily clad women as a joke. Oh yeah! That a lady gave to him. And they like kicked him out of science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they asked her, like, what do you think? He's like, she was like, well, you know, people, they got upset. They have, they have that right. She basically gave this guy a shirt and he got fired. After literally, imagine trying to hit a fucking meteorite from earth and being like, oh sweet, we hit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go. Well, I think I'm saying what you're about to say. I thought about that today. Just must be nice to just like go in, be mad, like just have like all your PPE gear and just being like, man, I did it. Fucking hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also true, if you like came here and got like political asylum, and then they're like, oh, what's everyone bugging out about? Be like, communism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marxism? Yea. What do you, what do you, what don't you like about Marxism?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] War mode, you're gonna love it doggo. He's an anti-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually, I've been trying to prototype the doggy dildo. That's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically sit on the dog's ass and then growl at dudes. You could use this by the way. Exactly. You could take this to your next. You don't know my plans. You don't have to have boners. Cause they just got penis pumped. Fight each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ultimate surrender, just with just penis-pumped dudes. And then they blow each other- no, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were talking about you got a request and it didn't involve dogs. What about like just dogs being in the background watching stuff? That's pretty innocent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you actually, do you know, are you familiar with like the actual like physiology of dogs' genitals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you get like a backwards laser to get more pubes? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I was going, I like saw the line and was like, nah, that's fucking long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be like a very big fight. Well it's also, it's like playing tic-tac-toe with someone who just like drops an X next to your O every spot. What the fuck? Yeah. Pointless. It's fucking pointless. Anyway. I hope that, you know, I hope-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I've been scanning the, uh, the faces of bays in the audience. Very salty, very sour. There is nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How are we looking right now? Trump taking South Carolina.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw there's a sign near my house, it's like, I believe in science. And it's like, that's not how science works, dude. You don't just, you don't just believe in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what do you, what do you think 2024? Like, can you take yourself to that point of four more years of Trump? What's gonna happen to me? Think people will chill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Instantly. Deeply. Deeply. And then I, you know, I made a scene. I was like, let me just carry it to the rest of the car. It's like 20 feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still, I'm imagining, I'm imagining Shane, I'm imagining you going backstage and encountering like a buffalo chicken. What I encountered was... Like a glory hole, which is buffalo chicken fingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you notice the new, this is kind of off topic, did you notice the new urinal setup in the remodeled bathroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rudy Giuliani video where he accused his son of being his bag man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? So he came out and was like, basically he was like, uh, like, Joe Biden was taking bribes from Ukraine and China and sending his drug-addled son to go be his bagman and pick up the money. Giuliani was just like, you're a piece of shit, fuck you, Biden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, when he used the term bagman I was like damn, he's probably telling the truth. People don't lie and use the term bagman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be sick, yeaah. I don't know, I could see him kind of being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While I was uh, while I was peeing, I saw that uh, Trump just won Nigeria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fantasize about it. I mean, you just fantasize all day. If you were a cop, you drive your car and it's just diehard in your head all day. And you're just like, then you eat like a huge lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they keep like going smaller and smaller and they're like, oh, and this guy's one neighborhood. Uh, they're like, they go like, they keep getting like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, can we play the parade in Nigeria, please? Pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, uh, you think you would just be like, charged, extra charged?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vicky asked him though, he was like, uh, that shit I'm hearing about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it's CNN, so yeaah, they're definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was trying to make a joke, whatever, but to be like, you should suffer financially. Your family's fortune should be less because I'll, as a white lady, disown you by your race. Kind of strange, you know, not going to talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably why they're saying, like, people are getting it, like, four times. People get it, like, back to back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to, uh, steal your F off your record, but yea, you have to like kill someone to get a DUI or get a felony. Yea, you don't get a felony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, go to the back. Like the west, east wing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you like get evicted out of a house and you put like concrete down the bathtub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine being high on heroin and the TV's like, you can have it now. And they're like, oh, yes, I'm always going to have this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that kind of, so if you're a heroin dealer, that's kind of, they're working towards like legalizing all drugs and so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they wanna keep people watching at CNN like, uh, just wait to put all that red shit on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they made us look strong, dude. It's all like our disciplinary arm has reached out immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need, I need a, I need a strong black conservative GOP candidate for 2024.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, yeaah, you've been, you've been, uh, you've been cutting, I've just been basically. Alright, we're gonna, we're gonna hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was, uh, I was listening to the radio on the way here, and they were like, just being fucking assholes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is it, this is it, you know, you can end all the, oh they were going, that's when they were like, and you guys can be your own. Yo, wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I love how like, he's crumbling people's faith in the press. It's like, remember you guys said there was weapons of mass destruction? Yeah, thanks press. Yeah. Well, we messed that up, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You took Ice Cube, Ice Cube had a plan that apparently Biden's people were like, yeah, we're cool, we already got all this stuff. Yeah. Trump was like, it's a good plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, man. I'm happy. I hope, uh, I hope Jill Stein can turn this around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's the only thing we're waiting right now, is like, you'll have to see... Yep, that is 2016 for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I guess they're showing 2016 to be like, Oh look, this is what happened last year, therefore, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're really holding the mail-ins, that's the thing. Like dudes, we're gonna get a lot of letters and we're gonna count them all and you'll be surprised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's kind of, like, that's loser speak. Like, we're on track. Versus like, yo, we got this. We're on track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think, uh, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, he just drew his weapon and he was like, hey, uh, you know, get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be fancy. Yeah, that was, uh, that was crazy, dude. That was a tough spot, dude, just to be like, hey, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whoever's winning dude is just my team. It's a great way to watch sports. Like we won the championship again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that was crazy. That was almost 6 hours, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's let these guys go man. It's been a long one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm gonna start banging on that door furiously and demanding it be open. Then be like, no, just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never know. Yeaah, there's no camaraderie in the hotel. It stinks dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, they should do a thing. I want to do a hotel where every like 30 seconds, the walls just go transparent for like one minute and then they go back. It's a random. Yeah, it's a good like sci-fi movie. That'd be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you masturbating? Did I masturbate on my honeymoon? Yes I did actually. What? Hey man. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially in the summer, like everyone's windows had to be open, so like, you were ripping like a nut that was inside of you for a long time, and you got home and you got married, that would have been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should jerk off right now. Not every single time, but I'm like, yeah, I'm kind of like, let's just watch something crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all good. Oh I gotta, I gotta be careful on the CPs. Just for another month, a couple months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, women have kids. I was telling you guys, they ovulate. After a woman has a kid, shortly afterwards, their ovulation thing almost like reverses where they ovulate three weeks instead of one week out of the month. So they're just on some like, mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe never bro, I don't know. I don't know what happens dude, but like they undergo a shift and they become mean and horny bro. Wow. You got a mean lady? Yea, I mean their fucking PMS stuff is out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually describing it to my therapist. I was like telling her, I'm like, well, you know, we're getting along pretty well. But, you know, uh, her like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ovulation shit switched up, so now she's like, mean, like a lot of the time. I was like, her words, not mine. But yeah, dude, they, uh, it's pretty tight. You have to like, you got to fully rank. You got to go full Marlowe man, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, once we figured it out, now I'm like, oh, your pussy's freaking out. And then I got horny and now it's. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you what, I'm telling you what, I think that's exactly the answer to any relationships problem. You have to become a strong black Christian man. If you just attack it from that angle, you can't lose. You cannot lose. How so? If you get into an argument, you just gotta be like, God doesn't want us doing this baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think things were broke. I think some things got broke. Dude, I know a guy, this was my favorite story with like weird domestic quarrels. He, they were, they were dating and uh, obviously, and they were, they had a falling out and she spaz and bit him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She dated pretty much me and then only division one athletes. Maybe it was like a perspective thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be hard for them. Cause they've seen dongs, dude. I will say. They have a dong Pokedex that you don't know of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, I feel like women could, I feel like a hot, like young chick, like 24 year old, you'd be like, you're fucking, have like abs or something, I don't know. What, to make fun of her? Yeah, if it was just some like smoking hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. You need to be able to eviscerate. I guess you could just really, you could easily be like, that's why you have some weird ass fucking eye thing going on. Yea, they'd be like, what? Oh man. Girl, that's the thing too, to be fair to girls, they're in like a mental pressure cooker that's totally unprecedented in terms of like social media and like comparing themselves to like filtered pictures of their friends doing things without them. It's fucking hell dude, it's girl hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy. Easy dude. I don't know what the fuss is. I chill. We watch Close Encounters on the fifth day. That was a PA on my own. I was just trying to be a jerk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, it's chill. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I've always wanted to do it, dude. Yeah, of course, of course. I fucking chill, have fun, it's like two days a week, and you know, we get the babysitter to come over, but there's like days where it's just me. I'll fucking stand up, dude. I'll stand up right now. So why? If I wouldn't absolutely upset this entire film setup, dude, where I'd like, take myself out of frame forever, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day long dude, having a blast, playing blocks, they taking naps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the life, dude. I'm not gonna lie. And it's, I feel bad that women have psyched themselves out being like, uuuh. It's like, dude, no one's saying you have to, but it's like, you can, and it's sweet. Yeah, and it's honorable. It's nice. Go do it. They have the best of both worlds. They can totally be like, and everyone's like, fuck yeah, you did, you know, you served your time. You were a waitress for six years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just heard that dude. And they, dude, honestly dude, they attack each other man. It's fucked up. They attack each other's looks and I'm frankly really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The skis are trying to share funny fucking memes on their phone and have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's like an emotional thing where there's like, some people like that, like build up release, build up release, and like when you start to like logjam that with just being super chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit dude, see who gets the most progressive? I'm pretty progressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you'd have to, I think if you want to ingest the, what? I don't know, because I think if you eat it, you have to combine it with an MAOI, a mono-oxidase inhibitor or whatever, otherwise you'll just digest it. When they make ayahuasca, the one root is that they synthesize DMT with, the other one is this MAI, somehow they found this weird compound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just like, they were like a first generation of antidepressants. Which was some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Yeah. LSD was similar. Some guy was just like studying, fucking like ergot. Yeah. Old or some shit and he was just kinda like, got it, I think he got it on, or just it on accident and was just like, heeeeh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the, one of the dudes, one of the dogs was like, yeah, I want to talk about all this stuff. And I'm like, yeah, come by, we'll do a Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, nitrous is pretty nuts. It's not like a humongous deal, but it's like, you do it and same thing immediately. You're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, something he found out apparently like somebody got in trouble for smoking weed or something. So my dad drove up to a fish concert in the parking lot to find his boys. Yeah. And he was, he was dude, he was so fucking hot. He's like a greaser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think he saw you guys on the prowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna do it, we're gonna do it soon. What? Smoke DMT? Smoke DMT, right up in her. Before the end of the month. Before, dude, I have a wacky 28, 30 days coming up. Smoke DMT, and right around, I think on the 24th of April, 5 grams psilocybin. It's all, it's in the books. Podcasts might get a little weird for a couple weeks, dude, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but dude, well a lot of our also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I went deep sea diving. I don't remember how much I grabbed, but I remember just getting a couple bucks and popping back up me like, what's up? And she was just like, what the fuck, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All natch, dude, no coke. I was just, I was just fuckin' charged, dude. I walked in, still drunk from the night before, I'm like three hours of sleep, and then went and bought, that was when I unknowingly bought a girl's tank top and wore it all day. No idea, I was fuckin' hammered. I'm like, damn, this is a deep V. Just dancing to like Pitbull or whatever it was playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's good, bro? What's under the surface, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know how you do it properly? See that thing next to you? Volcano bag, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my broskies right now, a lot of my bro pack is about doing stuff like that. And then it's just like right back into the bro ship. Did you see the new South Park? Yeah. Talk about the bro ship. So it's like, you do DMT with your boys and then everyone chills together. You do a five gram mushroom sesh. Everyone goes out to dinner and celebrates you that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you do it. Who are your broskies? Spud. My brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I wouldn't want to be there either. It's just the next day. I'm gonna do them at like 9 in the morning. So I'm gonna, from 9 till about 12, I'll be Pure Vision Quest. Just gone. And then around like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, two, three. I won't be really with it, but yeaah. I'll be able to be like chillin'. Yeaah. I won't say, I'm not just, I'll have to see what happens, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, you should lay there one night and drink and meditate for as long. You're like the drunken masters dude. Like the Shaolin monks. You should do that. Get hammered and just meditate the entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] EG juice, yea, it's like, it's nasty stuff. It's nasty stuff, dude. That was when people were getting fucked up from the weed vape pens, cause they were, uh, they were liquefying it with, cause it's like, you know, you have hash oil, which is like, you know, like a waxy kind of substance, and then you would take, like, coconut oil, like dissolve it, and people are just smoking fat. What's your, what's your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully if all goes well, I'm going to try to get on a yearly schedule. A yearly five grammer with a blindfold on. Just keep it tight. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what it is, bro. I mean, I'm gonna, you know, things will, I have room to move here, but there's some fixed things that I've been like, yeah, just me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the time you're 50 or 60, hopefully you've come to peace with your situation. If you haven't, a couple grams of mushrooms are the least of your problems. That point is not the mushrooms, it's you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for a lot of people it is you. True. Yea, it's always you. Yea, which is, it's a hard pill to swallow. Yea. Hard pill to swallow. Yea, exactly. But I think though, I mean imagine the beach at 60 dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, but the studies they've done have shown, again, you know, they're not the hugest sample sizes, very positive outcomes with end of life terminal patients.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think they try to design the studies so they, because they don't want to have bias people who are like, I love mushrooms. They want to have like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your eyes are closed for like four hours and you're going, you're just completely, it's internal. So you're just like, you know, just seeing shit in your imagination and your brain's just like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. You probably increased your openness by like four or five percentiles. Yeah. Dude, come on. Side of forward. Let's go, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your eyes open. Yeah, I'm excited. It's gonna be a wacky month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a type of, not a volcano, well maybe the volcano, but there's also a little thing like there's this like, it's almost like a vaporizer that has a bubbler attachment that you can put like ice in there and it makes it so it doesn't taste so bad and it's like just cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No hot rails? What is that? No. It's things people do with meth where you smoke and snort it simultaneously. It looks like a crazy, like it looks like a Mickey Mouse straw kind of thing where you like, you light it up and you go and snort the meth while you're inhaling the smoke. It's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All they gotta do is plug in and hit the GTA V with their bros, dude. I know, I know. Like, I don't think it gets better than that. I'm telling you, it is. GTA V with your broskies. Fucking weekend night, weekday night. You'll never need shrooms again, I'm telling you. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like afterwards, it's very comfy. You come back and you're just like, fuck yeah, that was sweet. Yeah. I mean, you just get catapulted out of your body into another dimension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then like things crash through your body and like move around you and rearrange stuff and you come out being like, fuck yeah dude, this is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's fine too. I like getting high. Shane, if that's what you like, I'm not gonna- I think you should do what you want. Yes. I'm not gonna judge your use of chemicals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, so then, yeah, then it's like, then I couldn't. What did he say? The light, it vibrates faster and creates heat and then like, sound is just like a slower vibration and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Folk. Right. This is all country. I couldn't do much in a large festival, that would just freak me out being around that many strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Back to where I know what's going on? Yeah. I'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, you just have different drug stories. I'm still progressive. True, your journey. Still very progressive. Long one. Yeah. Realizing it's a lifelong journey is the biggest thing. Yes. I'm taking a very Catholic approach. I'm going to wait until I'm like 80 and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't think so. I mean, there would be really no incentive to do it. Cause it's not really, I mean, you could cut anything, you know, it's a chemical, you could cut it. Yeah. But I don't think there's, I don't know if there's been any reports of like someone smoking DMT. I mean, like just like ripping speed. Yeah. Being up like fentanyl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just buy a root. No, you just buy a root. You can buy the root and make it yourself. Yeah. You buy a root and you just fucking strip it with something like a solvent and it strips it and the solvent evaporates and you're left with crystalline content. It's actually fairly simple from what I've heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was curious about. I mean dude, you buy a couple hundred bucks worth of those roots, you can produce a supply bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they had a pretty similar experience. It's pretty indescribable, but it's pretty much like shapes and colors that you can't put into words. And then like at one point, what they described is like it all just went, like everything they were seeing just came crashing down into them and like went through them. And then next thing you know, they're coming out of it and they're like, I just felt like so nice. Cause you're gone and you come back to your body and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck yea, dude. Yeaah. I forgot about this thing, it's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was nervous about it. I first saw it, I'm like, I'm not doing that. Yeah, I was too. A couple of my broskies blasted, they were like, dude, you'd have a blast. I'm like, alright, fuck it. Don't be pressured, don't be pressured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this wasn't the end of the podcast, I would have walked off. I would have walked off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've used it on other people, it's pretty great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's go with that. Yeah, cause I needed it for work and that was the only place that I could get it done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's this, there's this, uh, suicide girl that I'm thinking about working with. And she, we have like a mutual friend, a photographer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I have three videos up on my OnlyFans right now of me peeing, either inside or outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I am very territorial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, a lot of dicks though. I actually just uploaded a video of me licking peanut butter all off of, uhm, like a dildo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But have you seen those videos of like golden retrievers holding the egg in the mouth? They're very soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen, uhm, there are a couple of porn stars that I know that have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I won't, I, there's one person in, so, Belle Delphine, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I mean yeaah, I mean I'm in the process of getting lasered, which is actually my favorite hobby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, everytime my owner tries to put on my collar, I play tug of war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I usually don't, or brawl, but I did half the work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to religiously pay poker at the strip club. That's where I learned how to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, actually it was before I got, like I blew up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I get mad at people for calling me weird? How?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, there's this like, I don't know, there's this like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you make it, like whenever you like put the dry kibble with like chicken stock and like salmon and eggs. You've actually eaten real dog food before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do, I do, I do have to say, I really do like dog treats. Like, uh, when I went on your guys' those dog treats, I will snack on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm heading over there now Noah, do you need a ride? Remember I'm not at the cast this week, I'm at work. Gotcha. Enchanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. No, just in general. Pretty good group. Pretty cool environment. Oh, you like your squad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, I was, yeah, I was cooking for it. Excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like it's going tremendous. I feel like I'm gonna win by a landslide at any moment, any turning point. I feel like, uh, Joe really has no chance and any state that voted against me, I'll never go there again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the body of a power forward and the mind of a racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dog girl is actually what I call my wife Ivanka. I say come here, hold my hand. You don't want to? Okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always wondered about that, Big Jay, how you washed your hands and stuff with the, uh, the gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you guys looking at? Uh, big jump in the electoral map, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I just say it sounds cute when you say that he got smushed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, every time I was at somebody's house and they were like, you wanna see my dad's guns? I left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're not dead. Yeah, yeah, just like. Not bad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, my quote would definitely have something to do with fingering. I was fingering so much back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uh, my pussy getting had a pretty sick shout out to, uh, Gilly, Gilly and Keith sketch. What happened? Yeah. So, uh, so I got some pussy, right? The day of? So, right. I got, no, no, no, no. After the sketch came out. So it was like, maybe, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, you know how when you come, you're not vulnerable, you're physically vulnerable, right? So my allergies started acting up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ability to, to like hold off the allergies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, uh, alright, so what have you been doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they ain't exactly giving out money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, I have to like, this story is so close to a situation I feel like I have to confess something. What? So my grandpa, my dad's dad, he was in a situation similar to this, uh, cause he killed a man. Okay. And the man he killed was the man that would sell ice in the local neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he kill both? Killed the man, spared the woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what was the beef? It was over a dollar. My grandpa owed him a dollar and he wouldn't pay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no no, he went to prison. He was, he was, uh, he was on death row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just side eye, any sort of disrespect from a woman, he smacked her. What? Right there, like bam, right in the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's never been wrong in his entire life. And he's always been a criminal too. And that was like, so I went and got like a bunch of his newspaper clippings just to like get a little context about this man. He was like friends with some of the judges. It was like in the paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it would mention that like this judge let him off because like, because of the last time he was a good, good in court or whatever. He was a criminal. He was like the local, the local criminal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I swear to god, he would holla at a chick and then she would like, she would like decline him in a disrespectful way and he'd smack her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he had at least, uh, a success rate. You know what I mean? Like I think he was like, you know, like over 50%. How old was he when he got out? He was an old man. Like he, yeah, he was pretty old, which is why he was getting declined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, nah, nah, he was like. Okay, so that's one of the things he told me. He always keep your fingernails clipped. Because you don't want to have anything in between. You don't want people thinking you watch anime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't wanna, you have a- You wanna be like, if, if, if, if you get a chance to touch the pussy, you don't wanna have to go wash your hands first. Yeah. Get in that pussy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, listen to me right now so you never wash your hands before you touch pussy. I was also a prolific finger in middle and high school, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like go, like, I would see his dick sometimes in his, like, like, uh, polyester pants. In his fucking pant leg. Like, yea, it was, uh, yea, he was the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always envied their size. So you're trying to get husky. I wanted to be husky so bad. I remember asking my mom to get me husky size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are starting to know what body parts are. Yea, get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that your daddy no bitch, and then like go. Yeah. Like go, go, like, let the bar be set for what type of, like, man you'll allow in your life. True. A real one. Obviously. Now go. Check out this tennis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember seeing my- I think you can bring it back. I remember being outside with my dad and seeing his dick and then trying not to react at how big it was. Yeah, it happens. I remember, I remember like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Moms never get uncomfortable with seeing their kids like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's finding out more and more how magical humans are. It's like, I love shit like that because it's like, yea, it's cool but then you also can't deny that we're fucking animals. That sounds like some animal shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just trying to like get the womb, like you're going to shoot something that's already compatible with that pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I never, I never thought, I never, I just, I felt like I just needed to do it a lot. I never was like, I never thought about trying to get good at sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to decline MercyHJ's cause she thinks she's funny. She starts trying to be funny all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she is, she's very unslapped. You know? And I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The slap? Like, she's like part Amazon. She would be like, fuck, I've been waiting for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she, she can't. I, I would be able to- She couldn't get in on you. Nah, she would never be able to touch me. That's what's up. Yeah. I mean- My reach is insane. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, because she's also been interested in like, putting things in my butt, so nah, I'm not putting that on the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never, I can, I never, I never try to fuck unless I know that like my body's warmed up. And I'm ready to like, I have to go into battle a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean not, no, but it just like, it does get me hard knowing that I came up with a new tactic for what I consider to be her new counter. Like I'm always strategizing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, she, it's like too hedonistic. You know, like when Amazons get too hedonistic, they fall apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keeping her out of it. She had a pretty good, she had a pretty good day at that competition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that? They're doing it, why can't we? Dude, MJ would crush that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, just like, uh, so then it turned into like a funny thing where you're just like trying to figure out how to like decide the value system of each ethnicity. And just like that room of people, like all the ethnicities in that room trying to work together to decide on what the different values are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we drive way better when we're eating. No black person has ever gotten an accident while eating. Yeaah. It's never happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, apparently leather. True. That's what I see most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean that could just be fashion over form, you know what I mean? Because back in the day they used to use the furry, the furry ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you just have to deal with like a little bit of baggage before you have it. It's just like you can, it'd be pretty quick. You can fuck her quick and then like, like leave her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think maybe like two months from now would be a cool time to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2JB? Oh yea, 2JackPros, check it out. Check it out, get into it bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How big's dad's penis? Does dad have a big penis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, he's allowed to have his own opinions, man. I'm not judging. Uh, is he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, she seems fun. She's, she's, you wait, hold on, nah. Really, nah. Alright, this is what I really believe. She's that, like, think of the type of woman she comes off as on, like, her TV persona. You know, like, when it comes to fucking her, she wants the exact opposite of that. Like, she just wants to be choked and just be told to shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The comeback started. Is that what we're saying? Where's Doll Girls? Doll Girls gotta be asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's too fucking weird. He's top 10. We've had this conversation. He's top 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's kids walking around because of that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an extra day. What part of the country are they fracking in? Uh, wherever they can get away with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kind of vague though. That's like news, vague shit. Just like, oh wait, actual, actual riot going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they just go into the mountains, they dress, everybody look it up, it's hilarious, puppies in the mountains, they go into the mountains wearing gimp suits that all look like animals and they act like dogs and fuck each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's just like, yea, yea, I need this to be mainstream anyway. So it's just where you not on a girl and then she just goes to the mall. Just doesn't clean off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cardini is Bruce Springsteen, man. Me and Noah are talking on the way up. Yea, we picked him up. He's in Bruce Springsteen town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolute Bruce Springsteen. I played Dancing in the Dark. As soon as I picked him up, play. As soon as he stepped in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a, you know how they like take old factories, you know, they take old factories now and they, uh, make them into apartment things. And like the whole allure is like, this used to be a chocolate factory. There's one near him that was a snuff factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was telling me it's where all the divorced dads go. So when they get divorced, they move into the snuff factory. Yeah, they sort of make snuff or process tobacco into snuff. Oh, okay. So it's just a bunch of guys and powdery tobacco, haze, grinding dry tobacco into powder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's, that's where all the fucking divorced dads go live in the snuff factory in his Bruce Springsteentown in North Jersey. And there's a park behind that where he fishes, which just dads on visitations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, Cardini, uh, he goes and fishes and one of the, uh, one of the estranged dads gave him a lure. Tried to gift him a lure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask him a question. We'll have to deck this room out and give him a producer's mic. We can probably make this right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we need three of the same. Last time it was hell in post trying to fix that one. Really? Except for Mike. Aria was so loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whatever. We won't talk about post edit, but I was about to go into like 10 more minutes. It's actually pretty cool. It's track by track, but nobody cares. What the fuck's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys don't want to hear about that bullshit. Dude, especially after the fucking weekend, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, I have, I don't think anything can ever bother me ever again after the weekend we had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, stop me if I miss anything, but it was like, we went to, uh, we did the battlefield thing. That was so sick that we're working on that right now. That should be out on Patreon, but the, uh, so we went and we toured a battlefield all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a sweet lady though. She was an angel. She was an angel. She was a sweetheart. There was nothing but angels down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was wondering, I'm like, can I just get just the beef? And she's like, you have a gluten allergy? And I was like, fucking chill lady, I want anyone to fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like she was like, my son has celiacs on my head. I'm like, all right, whatever. She did talk. It was enough. Like I can talk gluten all day. Yes. And even I watched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, uh, did someone do chicken fingers in that fryer? Was that dedicated for french fries? And they're like, what the fuck? What are your symptoms? They're very vague.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're real. But yeah, the, uh, this lady talked about gluten. You know, the symptoms of gluten allergy can be experienced neurologically. You start to affect your brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta ring a bell, we buzzed her again. She comes back and just hit us with like her son's like digestive history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, basically, he's basically allergic to everything. He's just grass. He's fucked. He just grazes. He's not made for this world, dude. But yeah, then she gave us, uh, our stuff and it was, yeah, it was, it was lunch meat that had been boiled with a little bit of liquid smoke up in the mix. I think these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had sausage egg and cheese, right? Are you a bacon egg? You strike me as a sausage egg and cheese guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, SpongeBob's, it's good watching. So yeah, Gardini has, Gardini's full. Shane doesn't know this about it. Gardini has a bird belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so yeah, the whole weekend was, so we went to the Civil War battlefield. Before we go to the Civil War battlefield, Gardini wastes half a bagel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fight for you to not have slavery, dude. Imagine if we still had slavery, how fucking brutal everything would be right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd be even more divided right now, Sean, if people starved to death and died and got shot in the face so that you didn't have fucking slavery right now and have to, you know, get even pestered even harder online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyways, a bagel. So we're giving them hell, dude. We go to the battlefield. It was just, it was goddamn, dude. It was like something. It was crazy. The battlefield was sick on the way home. We get the sandwiches here about the gluten allergy and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, Nate was drinking like whiskey on the rocks. Yea, yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that was good. Yeah, I went right to bed. I was so tired. Friday night. I was, I had no sleep dude. That whole weekend. I got no sleep the night before I went down there. Rushed down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still stayed up later than I intended to. What time did you stay up till that night? The first night? 1.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously he's gluten free. I microwaved, I had pretzels, I was dipping pretzels in mac and cheese. Getting a little crunch, getting a little squish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically yeaah, with fake cheese also, but the uh, and then I ate a grapefruit, and went to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go in. I bought a set, eight satchel of grapefruits, dude. Well, I ate so many snacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grapefruits came into play on Saturday night. They were absolutely central. Found out Gardini might be allergic to grapefruits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so that, that, I didn't realize that was the back story. Those guys were just hung over. Cause I, after they ate, I picked up their bag to get out of the trash. The thing was heavy as hell. It was unbelievable. It was heavy, it was like an eight pound weight. I picked it up and I was like, are you guys fucking kidding me with this bag? Why is it so heavy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm hungover, I'm munchin'. Same, I gotta feel, I gotta, yup, I gotta put a new regime into the stomach, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do is I eat as much as possible and I just let my stomach decide. Do I want to throw up or will I digest this food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you, that's how you heal dude. That's how you heal. Dude, so that was, that was Friday night. Friday night rule. Friday night was pretty sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saturday night, Saturday was the battlefield, watching gratuitous waste, seeing, you know, everyone not take lessons from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I've seen plenty of black men eat half a meatball sandwich and take that thing back home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're sort of the core, let's put the pins in the reactor of this discussion dude. So Saturday comes around dude, we tour the battlefields, it starts to rain. We get fucking accosted by these old weirdos and windbreakers who just sit there all day. Nice guys, nice gentlemen. There's dudes that volunteer at battlefields that just sit there and just, they're like RPG characters dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did, you hit him with some stuff, but then they hit you with the next level of like, they talked about this guy who's from that town of Antietam who like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousands of pages of primary source material of like letters from soldiers who was gathered by like, a lot of young boys would kind of like peep those battles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, they'd just be like, damn, that was the coolest thing I ever saw and just dedicate their life to like studying it as a scholar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had an idea. They, they had a hankering. Germs are like conspiracy theory. They're like, there's an invisible world of beings that infect us. They're like psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so, yeah. But, but yeah, so we walked to the old geezers and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, him and Shane was staying in there and then they started talking about this long, like thousand page thing and how, you know, the guy from the town studied it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You couldn't trap these dudes. I was imagining that they do that because they're at, they've had like people at family parties probably just like knee them in the ribs and they come up to them now like, dude, I don't want to fucking talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so we do Antietam, we do the battlefield, it was pretty fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come back, you know, we're eating, we haven't eaten all day, we're on little sleep. I did have some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, he did, he did some TM, he did some trail mix. The boys were hungover, I didn't know about that. So then we get into a, we're kind of running late, you know, big butt rush. And then we like, I'm like, not sure if we're going to be able to record a live podcast. I'm running out grabbing all kinds of chords and gadgets and shit. And then, uh, you know, we get there like 10 minutes ago. Good show, I would say. Good show. It was sold out, it was sold out, wasn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were trying to make him give the theater. No, I was trying to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, so we had to do, so during the live cast, I'm like, you know, I'm drinking more than I, I always party during the, I only party during live cast. So I'm like drinking my wine, drinking my tequila, smoking my vape pen, like it's going out of style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, I get up and I'm like, oh dude, I'm ghost walking. I was like, I've smoked enough weed to the point where I'm like kind of floating. We were fucked up. So this is probably what, like 1230?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. It's about 12.30 in the, you know, 12 midnight, 12.30. Yeah. Yeah. But we were fucked. We were pretty fucked up at this point. And then we go to the bar and then it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We keep drinking dude, we keep drinking. Some dude drops a half ounce of mushrooms. Golden teacher strain he says. On Shane at like one o'clock in the morning dude. So at like by one thirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a point in the night where we were so fucked up, we were drinking champagne and eating mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you got, Tommy? What's Tommy playing? He's a good tambourine. I'd say he rocked the tambourine pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? All Italian guys have like carved out a genre for themselves that's essentially just karaoke. It's Frank Sinatra. He's a glorified karaoke singer. Anyone can sing along with Frank Sinatra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would, it would surprise me if he was shredding, that's all. I would be like, woah, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was scheming on a Christmas album. Not tell anyone, dude. And this video recorded us in black turtlenecks. Just ripping Christmas songs and just drop it, dude. Next Christmas. Just get hammered in studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easily. Really? I'm also the best singer in the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much anything, dude. My key's more like EA, I can hit G and D, whatever. But, uhm, and I have a deviated 7.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can, I can go high. I just literally sit there. I was like, you know, I'm just warming up and have to do like my, that's how you warm up the vocal cord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come out, come out swinging. I'm telling you dude, with Black Turtle next film, we just drop a Christmas album. We'll just do another half ounce of mushrooms and bug out. No. Dude, I still don't understand how you slept.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I know he's fine on the mushrooms, but you know, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a chance he's just awake, just staring at the ceiling. Cause like, dude, we got back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, that's true. I was like, I was just going like, knock knock being like, yo, if you guys are thinking you're trapped in your room and you can't come out, we have the fucking, you know, we had the ashram going dude in room 723.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's, here's the, here's the layout. So we're at, you guys dipped out. I mean, it was like two o'clock. They dipped down at a reasonable time. So we were, we're munching the mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disgusting. As soon as, as soon as Bae, when she went away for her little bachelorette, her friend's bachelorette party, I instantly am up till two in the morning playing GTA with the bros. When she went away, I was just like, all right guys, no, for real, it's my last respawn. I couldn't go to, I couldn't stop. But yeah, having just heard me like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like fucking coming upstairs. I'm like, oh, thanks. Thanks. You know, it's nice. Yeah, it's very nice. So Shane, I see Shane dip out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys had a little, you guys had your space boots on. I'm, I'm scoping, dude. I'm clocking. Cause we, we were like, you pick at mushrooms, you pick at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so everyone there is eating them, so we're sitting there at the bar, you guys leave, and I'm watching, I'm watching your lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, she's got space boots on, so I'm like, it'll be alright, you know, it'll be fine. We didn't eat that much. Although it was spaced out between a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so everyone's drinking. I have a theory too, you know how people do lemon tech with mushrooms? So if you put mushrooms in lemon juice,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It breaks down psilocybin into psilocin which is the thing that actually makes you trip. That's why people get belly aches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's a lot of work to break it down. But if you have an acidic thing, it breaks it down for you and it kicks in way quicker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a theory that alcohol does that too. So every time I've drank and eaten mushrooms, they kick in at like 25 minutes. So the first little bit kicked in, I'm like, you know, we're sitting around having a good time, we're talking more tequila shots, more champagne, which is just hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate Marshall ate a decent amount of these things. A lot actually. I was like, okay. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're staying there, we're talking, and finally I like, I see the bartenders fading, and I'm like, dude it's three o'clock, we gotta go, we're fully tripping at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get up to go to the bathroom. That hallway is red, right? Yeah. I'm looking at red hallway and I'm like, fuck dude, these, all the mushrooms kicked in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I should say, okay, this will just be like a comedy sketch. So imagine my car is parked at Magoobies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm either, I'm either gonna cart us home, I'm either gonna drive us the literally just 400 feet to the hotel, or my squad has to trudge up a pretty treacherous hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I did, I said, you know what dudes, get in the Civic, let's go. So we get in the Civic, then I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens if I hit the gas all the way? So I hit a nice peel. I tried to peel out, but it was me going, it was just fine. No big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go into the, so I go to do a turn, I'm like, holy shit, it's the wrong parking lot. Uh, and then I go to turn around. I was like, let's go boys. And I hit like a quick turnaround. That was it. Then drove home safely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then. You did the right thing. You're such a close dude. Out of the same time, I was all in my, I was in my capacities. I checked out, I parked perfectly. And it was a crowded parking lot. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, a little detour, I found out that. Yea, I had to make a little three point turn. Pretty good. But the, uh, dude, so we go up into the hotel and by this point...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I want to set a strict and hard policy. If you see us out drinking, do not drop mushrooms on us, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was on the phone with my mom at my parents house like sitting on a couch like, he did smoke mom, he had five cigarettes, I saw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he goes with Nate, means butter there, Billy's like sawing logs dude, he snoozes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother Tom might have shit faced the worst. He gets drunk and he just goes, his arms rise. As he gets drunk, his arms go up and he goes, and he just, he just does this until you like, until he like gets in a fight or goes to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, dude, the, uh, so yea, we go back to the room. I'm like, alright, dude. And, you know, it was, it also was a tough day. Spud found out his uncle had died that day. It was a tough day, dude. It was funny. He's like, all I wanted to do was come down and be with my friends and just forget everything. And I was like, mission accomplished, brother. You forgot literally everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, all right bro, like, you know, we're good. And I go to close my eyes and it's just like fractal patterns of just like, and I'm sitting there like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, in my head I went, okay, I'm not sleeping, I'm gonna lay here. In my head I'm like, part two of Mushroom World, I'm gonna go off into my little, you know, mushroom reverie again, I'm like, whatever, this'll be tight. And I just, yeah, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this just in my head? And I look over at Spud and he's halfway off the bed. He had a whole bed, by the way. I mean, we're brothers. We're going to share it. We're going to. I didn't end up sleeping, so it doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then like, Spud's like halfway on the bed and he keeps slumping off. I'm like, what the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just retching and throwing up on this floor to the point where I had to like knock it out of his back. His throat was getting kind of constricted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, not at any point did it occur to me that this was like a bad situation. I'm just like, you're a good dude. I'm fucking smashing this thing. And you know when you're in a hotel, there's like a little bench.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like there's like a, like when you walk in, I'm like sitting on my little bench. I have my sack of grapefruits and I'm sitting there like smacking spud. He would come out of it. Like he just had four questions, dude. He would be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He popped, I'm like, dude, you're good. Like we, look, it's four o'clock. We get to eight a.m. We're golden. You just have to pass through this and get all the shit out of your system. I kept trying to get him to drink water. Wasn't happening at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eyes bulging, bloodshot, horking, I'm fucking clearing his fucking airways, and he's dirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like knocking, I'm knocking his arrow. I'm like, all right, he's breathing. He's good. And I'm like, I wonder what Gardini's out to. So then I like, I get this text. It was Gardini had text. I'll read this dude. Gardini had texted me that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and you tell me dude, if this sounds like someone who's trippin' on mushrooms. So like, I thought it was something he had just texted me. But this, so I read, I look at my phone and go, oh shit dude, Gardini's like, losing his mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here, this is the text I see on my phone that I didn't see during the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys text a lot huh? That's fine with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you're throwing up like medieval humors up the body, dude. He was throwing up like, like, dude, so his, this is the text I get from Gardena that I think he says, can't raise just spud because he, Shane and Bill are on the same input. He's just got to munch the mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my, I forgot, I had no idea what he was talking about and it made, you know, it made sense, but I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remind me, I dropped my phone, but the, uh, so, so Gardini, uh, so I text him like, yo, what are you guys doing? And Gardini answers the phone. You know, you call Gardini, you're like, what's up? He's like, hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm like, what are you guys up to? He's like, nothing, we're just chilling. I'm like, alright. I'm like, how you guys doing? He's like, we're good. And then I'm like, alright, we'll come over, you know, if you guys are bored, come over and chill. Like, I'm not sleeping all night, we're tripping. He's like, yep. I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he goes down, so then I'm like, I need some water. So I go to go to the elevator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I hear a fucking absolute just wha- it was a hubba-loo dude coming up towards me and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane dude, I thought you were out there, Shane's freaking out. So then like, it's just Nate and Sean come off the elevator laughing hysterically. I'm like, what the fuck's so funny? And they're like, there was an old black dude downstairs mopping the floors. It wasn't blasphemy, playing R&B and singing along to it. And they're like, it was just too funny. And then I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds pretty funny. So I go downstairs to get my water for me and Spud, and it just is that dude doing that. So I go downstairs across the mop floor in my socks, and I'm like, don't laugh, don't fucking laugh. It was just such a weird scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was this angel dude, this like, another angel, second angel of the weekend dude.


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[Assistant] I'm like, can I have five bottles of water? And she's like, yeah, no, you know, so I like go and check out and she's just like, because my pupils are like that big. Yeah. I'm like, thank you. And it's like four in the morning and I just walked back upstairs, like trying not to laugh and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me go back upstairs. Gardini and Nate finally come over. And I'm like, yo guys, come on in. They're like, Spud's just, I have Spud in a cocoon of blankets just going like, aaaah. I see Gardini's kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Gardini's chilling by, by sitting on the ground, like, there wasn't much room to hang out, it was Billy's on the bed. So, Gardini's on the ground, just chilling.


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[Assistant] I'm like, Jardine, you tried grapefruits, he's never had a grapefruit, so I'm just peeling grapefruits and handing the fruit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, just like Maharaji, dude. And then I like hand fucking a grapefruit to Mishuli or, uh, Cardini.


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[Assistant] And spuds laying on the thing and he would pop up every now and again and be like.


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[Assistant] And then like, he would like, Gardini sit, I can tell Gardini's like,


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[Assistant] Like this is cool, he's trying to convince himself, and it's a wildly fucked up situation.


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[Assistant] So he's eating his grapefruit, I'm watching Gardini be like, no, I'm like, Gardini, it's cool. And I'm like, I don't know why, I'm like, dude, it's fun, man, relax, have fun. Spuzz reaching out and is like grabbing Gardini's foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got him back online. He comes up and he goes, what the fuck happened? I'm like, dude.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, so I got, Gardini came back online and then, uh, I was like, he was like, dude, you think it was that grapefruit? I was like, definitely don't eat a grapefruit ever again. That might've been that grapefruit or it could've been your nervous system. It was your nervous system being like, just shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I like, once Spud was like, when I cleared it, once he was like done with like the cake-ier stuff, I'm like, alright, Gardini's back online. Then I watched Gardini be like, I feel great now, I felt so bad before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he, Nate's like, Nate was an angel dude. He was like, you know, we needed more towels. So Nate got some more towels. We wipe up more puke. We're just, we're just wiping up puke hanging out. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nate's like, all right, I'm tuckered out. Nate goes, just passes out, goes to bed. Gardini hit the fucking trail. He just walked the parking lot from like 6 AM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I'm like, alright, Billy at one point woke up. So at one point, I think you guys, were you awake when Billy, was Billy awake when you were there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay yeaah, Billy woke up pretty early on, his butt was thrown up, and Billy was just like, he might...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He put on a playlist, which is, you know, Vibe Master, Sick Roof, and then he looks at Spud and he's laying on his stomach in his underwear just being like, Spud, your new pronouns are beast and horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so, and then he, so like me and Spud just listened to, Billy went back to sleep and me and Spud just laid there. Once Spud like, you know, he got, he took some water finally, threw up some like liquidy stuff. Uhm, and then we just like laid there. I listened, I laid on the bed and I had to, I was waiting for the, you know, the day to break because I'm like, Spud, as soon as that song comes up, we're golden brother, you gotta chill. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point Freebird came on at like six in the morning. So I'm just laying in bed laughing. I was like closing my eyes being, listening to Freebird and being like, damn dude, this song is youth energy, dude. This guy's like, I'm too fucking horny, babe. I gotta go get pussy. Sorry, I'll be back. And I'm like, damn, we all have to deal with this. And it was like, then they came out of it to spud like, yo dude, I'm like, what's up dude? What's going on?


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[Assistant] But yea, so we listened to Billy's playlist, which was like the funniest songs all night.


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[Assistant] And then like 8 o'clock we went and got breakfast and me and Spud felt decent.


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[Assistant] Billy just had alcohol in his system. A ton of white claws at that. So we go to get breakfast. Dude, we're the hardest squad and we went to first watch, which is like kind of like a nicer like breakfast place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he ate one bite of French and I kept being like, I ordered this weird drink and I was like drinking it.


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[Assistant] I'm like, Bill, you know when you have like a lot of liquid in your belly and you move and you feel it slosh? And he's like, dude, fucking stop.


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[Assistant] So then we just drove home. I didn't sleep all night. We drove home and I, uh, took a nap and then went to my parents house and told her I'm Billy. Just picked that food. So yeah, that was, sorry, but yeah, I will say, dude, the squad got disheveled, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, it's nothing. See, you're like your wife, like in front death, you're cut open, you're like, dude, you'll be fine. Smack your back really hard. I'm like constantly dealing with people, almost choking on everything. Same thing, it's like, c'mon, get that out of there.


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[Assistant] Dude, I could hardly handle ice so I didn't sleep at all. Drove home.


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[Assistant] Naps for about an hour and a half and then like just sat at my parents house and was just like...


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[Assistant] Hey, my mom's like, tired. And I'm like, I'm tired, mom. You guys did a lot of work this week. Yeah, it was hard work. You guys are working hard. I'm like, let's go with those brownies. Show business, baby. Oh yeah. Show business, mom. This weekend was crazy. We did a lot of work. That's the road, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just sit, I sit on the floor against the couch and I just watch Spongebob with my niece and I just wait, my mom's like, dude, would you like seltzer? I'm like, yes, mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have some burgers left over, would you want me to get you a cheap, she'll just make, oh it's the best dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was the best man. I just grubbed and just sat there on the floor and was just like, would like the dog would come up to me. I'd wrestle a German shepherd. Then be like, mom, Billy drank so much this week. It is funny to snitch on Billy. Oh, it's the best.


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[Assistant] I want to do outdoor comedy. Oh, you're going to be, you're going to be in the drive in two different places. Two different places. Two different places. Where are you? Where are you doing today?


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[Assistant] He's working out, dude, he's fucking swole right now. Oh really? Yea, Gardein is getting pumped.


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[Assistant] No, that was very funny. That was very funny.


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[Assistant] I'm kidding, skateboarders, jugglers.


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[Assistant] I kill it, dude. No, really? Yea, I could kill it in life, so. Did you fall? Yea, I skied my fucking ass off. Oh, that's right. I lost a race right at the end, but I was winning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fell off on drunk, it was with Bernadzisi. Really? Yea, and he was on the one ahead of me and then I went on and I was like trying to like get my pole, like the high level move where you put your poles underneath you and I kept like, and then he just pushed me and I was just down.


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[Assistant] That sounds like an on-location fucking challenge. That would be sick, dude.


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[Assistant] That's my opener on Australia. I'm like, you know, the general rule of thumb is the more expensive thing is the better quality is. And with that in mind, the cocaine in Australia must be by far the best in the world.


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[Assistant] Oh hey, I brought you guys presents. I forgot. Oh, what?


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[Assistant] How could you ruin this? Start it over. Start the podcast over.


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[Assistant] Damn. She made a mistake getting out of bed. If she wanted, she just like stayed in bed. We were already in bed. I've been trying to tell them that.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Just chill, you're already in the position. Do what you want with your life, but. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the crush? Can you still do the crush so you can make your own decision?