[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but I swear, it's more fun if I'm like, just not re- Dude, I had like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that makes sense. I don't have much of a guilt thing about it, just the physical effects. That's what really deters me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I will say I was in helium and I was, I was so stoned back there that I was like, starting to get like, like my whole brain was getting kind of staticky. You know, I'd be like, you start asking yourself like the fundamental questions where you're like, so I'm here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, it's hard to explain. I just get like, I think I was just way too high. I was sitting in the back of a green room and I started being like, especially on the way back, I was going like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was mad to the 10th. I was to the 10th degree. I'm like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would have thought I was in the fields with the boys fucking poking the cacti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of hangover, I think tequila is my favorite of all of them. But, but, you gotta be careful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, it's fucking exponential. White Claw hangovers are horrendous. Terrible, dude. Yeah. I woke up one time bleeding. You get your period from- if you have enough, like, molten- I woke up, I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, good move dude. It's like a malted. Just agree, we want yes men. Yes, you're absolutely right guys, it's a malt something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever that stuff is man, it doesn't, I, I was pounding high noons, you get so fucking thirsty. They're fun though. And Billy's, they're pretty tight. I like them. They're pretty tight, but dude, just some, a guy like me do down the field with the Mexican bros, tequila on the rocks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Splash of soda. Splash of pineapple, I'm being honest. Not much tequila on the rocks actually. It's pretty much a mixed drink. You had a pretty fruity looking drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hit, dude, I was mad to the 10th. In bed, in bed, just fucking every cell in my body vibrating from all so much weed and dark chocolate. Cause that's what happens with me. The alcohol allows me to go further into the weed. Cause it like takes down the CNS. My central nervous system chills and then I just go, what's this? I'm not getting anxiety? Let's smoke 10 times the amount of weed I usually do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a weird bug out to get into. What's that? Your own existence. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. I definitely exist. I'm real. The real universe is how many billion years old? Eternal? Okay, that's fucking weird. I'm made out of eternal energy. That's been probably a bunch of other stuff before me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool, I guess, if I think about it. Oh boy. Yea, I guess that is neat. Oh boy, oh boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like my, I start getting like, I catch myself missing words and shit, and I'm just like, ehh. You can miss some words. But if it's just alcohol, I don't, it starts getting like, brrrr. I feel shitty. I go, brrrr. You like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun. But if I can throw the weed in there, then it's like, I hit the zone and I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did in Australia that whole time. I'm sure yea. Australia, just the booze. It was a lot of booze. I didn't have my guardian angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have Santa Maria flowing around in me, dude. Yes. Surely I just get drunk and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sigs, getting drunk, smoking cigs and trying to load up a tree with fruit for bats. I don't have any idea how fruit bats work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 10% off your first order on lucy.co when you use our promo code drench at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like, no wonder you like this, it looks like a fucking horse, dude. Thumbs down on the bat. Oh, I've seen these guys. That thing looks crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not good. They'll be back. I feel like those guys will never go away. They'll be, they'll be, they'll come back. That sucks for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sucks. I'm in the depths. This is my depths. Although I will say this is my most gleeful winter yet. Usually I get real, by my birthday dude, I'm staring at a cake just like, what the fuck, I don't even know how old I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, I, I literally once, once the sun starts getting warm, I lay outside and just soak it all up. Like when the sun first breaks on that first warm day, this has been the last- First warm day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, can you imagine? Yo dude! Did you see him with the thick beard? He's fucking jack too!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. I mean, what do you think, what kind of power do you think that guy would get on you? He'd be thrusted in. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This college boy? Do you think he'd be, honestly, do you think he'd be a little bit sensitive or do you think he'd be...Witcher McCraw? Do you think he'd just slam it in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's crazy. What's he doing? It's crazy. He looks like a fucking gladiator. He does. He looks like Krixus, the gladiator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. There's, dude, there's not, I think we've stumbled upon, I don't think there's an ugly quarterback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I tried. This is like a gorgeous man in an office. If this guy was in an office setting, he'd be a gorgeous man. Oh yeah. That must be tight, being a hot man in an office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they saying? Like they went harder on him because he was black? Yes. Dogfighting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's his arm though? What's his arm? Cannon. Was it a cannon? Cannon. So what the fuck's the beef? He went to fucking jail, he killed a bunch of dogs. He was fucking fighting them. Him and his friends. They were fighting them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good time. To be fair, they should, if they're gonna, this is a nice ol' thing we should do. Rather than putting a dog down, they should let it fight to its death. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, you know, that's one road to redemption.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to lose any other great quarterbacks to that kind of entertainment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be awesome. And he was like, guys, these dogs were gonna die. They were sick. They were sick. You guys were not built the same dogs, you know. I had to drown and electrocute the losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think AAI ever peeped the dogs at all? I'm sure you've seen a couple canines. A couple canines go at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy though for that to be like a normal part of life for you and then all of a sudden you get like bigger than you ever could imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They won't bark. They don't know their own size. Damn, they'll get the dog fight lit, dude. Yea, toss em in, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you saw one, I'd be like, damn, that was fucking sad. Yea, dogs get treated differently down south though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And back to business. Back straight back to business. Back to business. It's time. Yeaah, brother. I'll tell you what, man. I'll tell you what. I mean, it doesn't get better than Emancipation Barclaymage. It doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it on and go, cause you don't get like, crushed for a tight t-shirt cause it's kinda flowy in the bottom, but you do get to get that cred of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean dude, that has been, I think we're gonna get slammed in history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's like, there, there, there was a guy on Rogan basically being like, there are slaves making all the fungal lithium batteries and shit. And everyone's kind of enjoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically slave labor. Currently. I think they're going to look back and be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, they were just like letting people star- I think some- I think someone dies of starvation every like seven minutes or something. Yeah. So I think they're gonna be like, that wasn't the nicest of everybody in the world, just complaining and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm pretty sure three meals a day is complete bull- I don't think you'd need three meals a day at all. It's complete fabrication. I've been trying to rely as much as I can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you, you actually, I would say I probably eat more than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink a lot. Yea true. Going through the calories.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been trying to rely strictly on my inner signals to eat. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do it all the time. I'm trying to stop. I'm trying to just rely on my inner signals for as much stuff as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my, right now, inner signals, Apollonian state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they did, that's, there's a whole, fuck was this guy's name, Marty Seligman I think, and that was his whole field of study was like, figuring out basically that people default to just negative interpretations of events and you become, that becomes your autopilot of how you interpret everything that's happening to you. And they were saying like overwhelmingly those people become clinically depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they were saying like, you can complete- the Apollonian state is going, wait a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until it doesn't and then you die and then it passes. Exactly. Eventually it passes. It does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been less and less rattled by death as I get older. Like, significantly less rattled by death. I mean, again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously if like someone came in with their gun, I'd be scared. Yeah. Like it used to like get me in my quieter moments being like, uuuh, and now I'm just kind of like, yeah man, I'm fucking. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still, every now and again, will play that game against a computer. I mean, I'm pretty nasty. Dude, slime saw. And you can, oh no, you know what it is? You can play...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, someone where you play on one side of the keyboard, they play on the other side. No, I don't remember this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, slime soccer, give it a look. If it's you and another person, I try to get Brittany to play me at it all the time, and she's like, I'm not playing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's the a- there's the direction buttons and I get like ASWD, I'm psh, got my fingers on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think about that? What do you think about that? Do you get the bottom of soccer slime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Soccer and slime meaning, two seconds, watch this guys. This is how you use the net. Soccer field slime. Uh, I don't know what the hell this means. Fuck! Just tell me shirts for skins. Oh, cause that is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do women like about slime and soccer? I mean, bro, my mind's trying to figure it out and I'm going, Matt, Matt, chill, Matt, chill. It's definitely not what you're thinking. Matt, chill. And why is it, the slime's in rainbow stuff. What the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta do ads. Well, ad ads. Which one do you think's Patreon? I think the first one, this is the fucking real deal. This is the true one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're whistling in your mind, dude. You're fucking doing the thing and just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doop doop doop doop doop doop doop doop doop doop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to hear about cloning. If you want to get the ultimate breakdown on Tory Lanez, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my YouTube is nothing now than, nothing but, uh, uh, criminal defense attorneys now breaking down famous cases. It might be some of the best YouTube. It's so fun. It's very fun. They sit there and they go, let me tell you something. He's not going to do 22 years. I'd bet a thousand, but he'll do maybe a year. Yeah. You always guys, he's going away for 22 years. No, he's not. No, he's not. He's not. No, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they go by the evidence, they got gunshot residue, that shit gets on everyone around the gun, and DNA is actually really difficult to get on a gun. Fingerprints next to impossible, because of all the oil and shit on the gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have oils on your finger, oils on the gun, the prints, when they say there was no prints on the gun, meaningless. DNA evidence, next to meaningless. Gunshot residue, you were around when the gun was fired, but there's no way to prove you actually shot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're in a car, say you're in a car. Say like me, you and Gardini were in a love triangle and Gardini had sex with both of us and we were fighting and then Gardini came and shot me in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had black men's legs sticking out of cauldrons there. Absolutely demons. That's what Sean Blazington said. Did he really? I was gonna say that's a really good- Sean Blazington, they got black men's legs sticking out of cauldrons. Gotta get the hell out of- Drake went in there and said, I'm getting the hell out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so glad I retired from receiving new information. Good move. That's a good move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I know it all. I know everything I need to know to get by day to day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There hasn't been one fun thing to talk about. Yea, that doesn't seem fun. You know what I mean? It was like a Twitter poll. People obviously picked the funniest answer. It's kind of funny though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. That is 40 chest, cause if he's, if he already wanted to step down, he puts up the poll, they say, dude, get out of there, and he's like, see, I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny though, that you can have like, uh, there's a perception that you can become too important to be funny. Like, you're not allowed to be funny anymore. You're too important. And it's like, yeaah, that's why I'm not a billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, not for me man, I'm not about fucking yachts and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not that bad. I mean, yeah, that's a bunch. Yeah, that's a bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my dad seemed to do okay with it. Yeah. You know, cause like, so I have, uh, Bobby, Nicole, uh, Michael. Is that all one person's name? Bobby, Nicole?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's Derek Alicia. I have six siblings. None of us, none of- I don't have the same mom and dad with any of them. How was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty fucking wild. Party time? I mean, it was, it's like you're just going out and hanging out with new people. Dude, I have like- Who can you trust though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of them. Like they're all lo- they're all family, they're all loyal to family. Do you know what I mean? But at the same time, it's like, I have siblings that my siblings don't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, people from my- people from my mom's family married into people from my dad's family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hot. Yeah, so I was my own cousin though. Woah, you were! Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that, uh, remember that bus driver that fucked that lady up on the bus? No. He was like, you going to jail now? Yeah. Oh shit. She hit him? She, uh, I think she did. I think she put hands on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd she get in with? Uh, I think she just like, went at him with like, I bet she regrets what she went at him with. I bet she wishes that she went in with a foot. With a bitch windmill? Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee you she wishes he planted her feet. And went at him, because he sure as hell planted his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I see people standing there, I'm like, are you playing with your life right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like being in it because I feel like it's the observer effect, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they fuck with me, if somebody says something funny, I can't not laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once they see you genuinely laughing, it's like alright, we're not having fun now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Yeah, and it's like to see which one gives me the lighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you do? I just say, yo, uh, what's going on, yo? Can I get a lighter real quick? Like, I don't know where the store is. Yeah. And, like, what do you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I just like, dude, it's crazy. No. Cause it's like, there's always one young boy in a group that's man respectful due to old heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you have to man. It's like, it's what keeps the culture respectful to itself. You know what I mean? The old head love in the black community is fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my favorite thing. It's pretty tight. When I first, uh, I don't know when I reached all head status until I found out at the basketball court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it was like, uh, the first time somebody was like, alright, uh, I got old head. Oh yeaah. Let's go. Let's fucking go. So yeaah, it's pretty tight. Yeaah, I reached though, it was like, I think I was 36 the first time I was hit an old head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fair enough. How much, how much space did you have to compensate for to let her go by?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, that literally makes it on site. That's like, good god. That's the opposite of like, making it neutral, like Switzerland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not going to argue about conversion rates. That's insane. That was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my sister is not gonna accept the fact that she can't handle glow in the dark. She's a glow in the dark head. Dude, you're wounded over this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very close. Yeah, we're not giving you just any tune, we're putting together a sick-ass tune worthy of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just funny, like, I'll be at home, like, talking to Ainsley, like, listen, I don't get me and Matt are good friends and all, but like, would you say, would you say, like, if the, no, no props, right, but would you say, glow in the dark head for me or not? I'm just saying, now, what do you think Matt said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to have mirrors in it, too, because there are a lot of mirrors in the room, and I think that's what fucked us up. Putting them on the mirrors and- Dude, it's very disorienting, Matt! Alright! Alright!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the day to day person, even like an engineer, just a regular dude, like he's like skating by on people not thinking he's a dumbass. Like that's all he has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What memory would haunt you the most from your retarded days? I feel like I'd be a little fast and loose with the drool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did rate him though. My uncle, I have an uncle that was diagnosed a mongoloid. Really? Yea, and they lied to him and told him that he was, they lied to him as if he was a regular person. They tried to like, let him not be a mongoloid. But he clearly has problems. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of them seem to know they have, you know, they have mentally different, they're different. They know they're different. But like, he was always told that he's not different, I guess. When I found out that he was actually, you know. This is my son, Bryce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, somebody told me a story about my uncle, they worked at a Walmart, and they told me this story, and this is before I found out that he was a Mongoloid, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually love that shit, especially the dudes in the stairwells that would make those sick beats on the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the step was this there are still where I was in my school had really good echoes and sound people were doing like a quarter


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, people just had some sick hand speed. You'd be looking at them, they'd just look like a blur. You know what I mean? You ever see somebody tap dance, and you're like, I wanna try that, and you try it like that. Yes, every single time. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I felt. It was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nah, I wasn't even ready to, dude, I kept, I kept my pen securely capped. Like I was not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's funny you say that because the best, uh, the dude that was best at making the beats like that was also an athlete that I admired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah man, he pumped me up, like I feel like a lot of my athleticism kinda ran through him, like I would see him do shit and I'm like, alright, I'll try to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he doesn't even know that, man. I used to like follow him around. Dude, I one time watched him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I followed him to see what the next thing he was gonna do, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes to a, like, uh, he hops in like a little yard. It's not a yard, it's like an Elks Lodge that has like a high fence. He gets up on top of it, waist high, flips for the rest of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walks through, gets to the next one, does the same thing. He's doing that one parkour. Dude, he is. Dude, I'm like, this is fun. And then he, the coolest thing that he did is there was like a tree that he jumped up on the branch, swung, and then a backflip landed and just kept walking. Dude, he was just walking. What the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was the man. Like, I, dude, I used to study his movements all the time. He was the fucking man. Did he ever catch you spying on him? Dude, he knew everybody was watching him. He was, he, Piero put on a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pierre, shout out again, he also robbed two banks on foot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, under one of the bridges in Paso. I'd love to get caught under a bridge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were, at least when we were kids, like when we got older, I kinda lost track of what he was doing in life. But when we were kids, man, he was like, he was just the man, he used to do the coolest shit with his body. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the, the, so, anyway, I told you this story before, she was a hot chick, she moved from a new town, back with her dad, everybody was going after all the high school basketball players, everything, she ended up being my girlfriend, we kissed, found out that we were cousins, we broke up, the next person she dated, Pierre, and he got her pregnant in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I want to see, I do want to see, uh, Tim show out and echo the dolphin a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a, is there a ribbon for that I have to wear? No, my, Anthony and I were just talking today that there should be like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a day of the dead type thing, but in America where we just like shout out the sickest people in our lives that have passed away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just like, and everybody in the, everybody in the country is doing it for all the, for their particular people on the same day. We're just all just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. That would be sick as fuck. I think that would be a good fun American tradition to start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good day to release some dark energy. You gotta get that out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would have been different if she said Poppy. Would have been on site. That might have been no questions asked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Olympic archery, what is the distance between the target from the archer? Uh, Jeopardy Sal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what a nightmare. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ancient Romans boiled vinegar and what to make an energy drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ancient Romans boiled vinegar and what to make an energy drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm ready. Show your answers. I said balls. Ooh. I said bowl urine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim is the closest. What was it? The answer is goat poop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, will we have Echo the Dothan on the... We already do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you. I mean, he was just on Fox News, he's obviously an alpha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is what he's up to. Humans are the only creatures who can consciously evolve and yoga is the handbook that shows you the way. Are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go Tasmanian Devil through the newsroom. I'm telling you, news guys are psychos. You say that, those dudes are fucking nuts. I didn't know they were that intense. Yeah. I met with them one time and I was like, it's, they're fucking nuts. They have very, hey back off!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. They got, they got deleted, they got deleted, they made the right decision, they deleted the footage, but dude, I went to, I went to years ago, went to like a local Fox show, and it was like, they were like nasty, dude. Like weirdly nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's, there's like personalities squabbling over like literal blood money. Mhm. That's when you go into the news station and it's like the chick who was like, it's like the hottest chicks from every high school with just like psycho dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, this is crazy. Yea, I completely went off script. What kind of shit did, like, was talked about? They just, I wrote this stupid article about New Jersey years ago, and they brought me in thinking I was gonna, like, vibe on it real hard. Like, that was, they thought that was gonna become, like, my thing in life, to be like, New Jersey, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, nah, I'm not doing that. I was so high in my head there, just being like, is this my fucking thing now, do they think? That's not happening, I was just a dick the whole time. And they were just kind of just like, okay bud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man. But dude, when the camera's cut, they'd go, like, kind of at, it was like a very, like, nasty on edge environment. You had to be on your toes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be the last state where malls thrive, for sure. 100%. Gym memberships in New Jersey, it's like 50% more people in New Jersey have gym memberships than any other state, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, literally, I just got there and people were like, dude, can you fucking be the representation of this whole place? You think New Jersey's easy? New Jersey's so easy. It was the easiest. So everyone there is so dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's being like, dude, we're gonna sell these, we're gonna sell Chantix. People died from that, went crazy. And then be like, there's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.


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[Assistant] I was gonna say Swedish people, but then white grandmoms. Southern, northern, any?


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[Assistant] Dude, it's crazy. I witnessed the fucking thunder one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've talked about this before, but it bears to be repeated. I was, uh, this Mexican guy started working with me and my brother. And I had to like walk him. We were in that lunch truck and we had to go into a school to get to a bathroom. So I, I like knew, it was like, you know, you had to go through like hallways and you had to find this thing. You couldn't just explain it. So I was like, bro, I'm gonna take you to the bathroom. And I just, I was like, I'll pee while I'm in here.


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[Assistant] If I eat beans for like one meal, I'm fucked. If that was like part of my DNA, like the bean matter broke down into me, the farts are great.


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[Assistant] No, I've never ever thought of them until you brought it. I mean, I remember them from the commercial and like, you know, I know who they are. But I've never thought of them. That's literally what I was going off of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have put out the invite. I guess I could see you me intrigued by the blue man like who are those blue men?


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[Assistant] Imagine being a newsman, it's like, you get trapped in the energy of like, how's my hair look? But like, you get frozen for 25 years of like, in the mirror like, fuck, fuck, fuck, and it's just like, dude, 12 hours a day. It's just the hottest babes.


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[Assistant] Just being like, someone got stabbed to death, take it back to you. And they're like, mmm, that sucks, it's gonna rain today.


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[Assistant] No, that was, that was my, my life's been pretty unrealistic the whole entire time. Just pro football player, weatherman.


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[Assistant] It is, it is pretty nuts. I would say DeGrasse Tyson does highlight, like, we've never... What's how do you explain this? Like the nerd egos never reach such heights. So like, he's like a full blossoming of like an unknown...


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's a smart cookie for sure. He got jammed up on some wild me too. It was like really weak me too. Never stuck. Yeah, he like grabbed a lady's face. He's the Teflon telescope. Nothing sticks to him. Nothing gets him.


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[Assistant] He did have some Trump, I think that's when he went, that's when he went kind of sinister. When he got fucking me too'd for like, I think he like,


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[Assistant] Doesn't Bill Nye have some young girlfriend? Who's Bill Nye's girlfriend right now?


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[Assistant] This? I mean, I'm just- You guys both have bassy voices. Just-


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, for 62- Oh, there's Bill Nye. Yeaah, she pro- Oh boy.


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[Assistant] That is honestly the true battle to not let the lights go out. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Even if you're spazzing, you're still spazzing. I've read someone about that one time, like, dudes who are spazzing, they're still good. Ladies who are spazzing, they're still trying. Even if they're torturing themselves, it's when all the people just let the light go out, totally, and they're just like, yep, another day. That shit terrifies me, dude.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, neither, neither person can pursue their ethnicity too hard, I get, but they can bring you along with it.


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[Assistant] It's the tightest point. It's a harder show. There is no tighter point. You could suspend a bridge with like a hood white lady's ponytail. Just pull it back like we got time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, hood white ladies don't get the credit they deserve. Nah, they out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't, they don't. They pop off. Nobody's writing books about them. Yeah, I mean you kinda did.


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[Assistant] I was fascinated, dude. I was fascinated.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just completely made up a story about two ladies that lived across the street from me. I just stared at them for like years. What the fuck's going on in that house? And I made it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just got so fucked up on thinking that there's kids, you're saying all the kids are spazrock and I'm like, do you have parents who are worried of curating Facebook profiles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just weird, dude. If my dad was like, hold on, I have to put this post on, I'd be like, okay, dude. That's crazy. I might have to quit social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, it was, it was the most retarded. They're dead, man. We gotta, we gotta wake these people up. Dude, you can do it. You can easily, you can, dude, you can zip through a 25 year marriage just fucking.


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[Assistant] The kids just fucking, uuuh, on fucking Fruit Ninja or whatever. You're like, yeah dude, fucking did you see that thing that Kelly Michael Conway wrote, uh. Wait, are you really Facebook beefing right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't go on Facebook anymore. I'm thinking about all social media in general, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a weird, like, social media is a weird, like, we're, you know, we don't realize it as much, but it's like, it's a weird energy to have in the mix, when you're a young life coming into the world. We have to like, watch it develop, and like, oh, it's this kind of thing. To them, it's like almost an entirely, it's like trees to them. Just a part of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're coming up and it's just, I don't know, that idea is freaking me out. I'm sorry, talk about the blue mic. No, I'm trying to find what would be comparable for us. Like cordless phones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean we saw cordless phones, but not even. It would have been like the telephone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sucks. It's like you're being parented under social media energy.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm like, is that gonna have disastrous effects on young kids? I'm curious, I don't know. I think so, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, again, it could just be like, like when TV started, I'm sure it freaked people out, but I do think, with like social media to the internet, I think we stepped like four inches into TV world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole world has stepped like a little bit into a TV show.


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[Assistant] Who gets to say who's a blue man though? That's gotta be the hardest shit to bring in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they set something up where like, every show, like one guy accidentally dies? That'd be sick. Like you hear about a blue man guy dying, and they're like, oh that's fucked up, and then the next show another guy dies, and you're like, woah, what is this? Yeaah, the blue man curse. You start to expect it, you're like, dude, they're guaranteed somebody's going to die in front of us. You're talking about a murder mystery.


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[Assistant] Nooo, stop. Yeah, we'll at the break, we'll listen to Dolly Parton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. If it was Wakanda Troi. Africans dance, they like, they jump and they move their necks and shit like that. You see what I'm saying? Like they jump and then jerk their neck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're doing the first obstacle from Ninja Warrior. They're bones not as dense as ours, so that's why they can't do all that jump and shit, cause they got, they got bones like birds, they got hollow bones, they can just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a difference. They don't catch, they don't catch a lift. They get glide like, they'll get like maybe.


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[Assistant] I don't comment on nobody else shit. Unless, unless it's like somebody's kid is about to get hit by a car. And even then it's like, did this kid do something annoying first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what? I get it. For some reason I understand it when you at war. But I don't get it if you like just a regular guy walking around. Like I understand saving somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, my dad was in hospice dying, and he packed the bed and I was like, bro, who the fuck am I?


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[Assistant] Don't whisper. No way. Not even your final words? No. You better say them. You better say them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there you go. Oh, bad. Alright, alright.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I went to school with some of them. They, uh, uh, The Lost Boys? Yeaah, I went to Central, some of them went there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some Sudanese, uh, they was tall as fuck too. They was like 6'7".


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[Assistant] See, that's why you can't be nice to anybody. True. Like if you run a country, you can't be nice to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fair point. Yo, no matter how I die, I'ma blame it on somebody.


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[Assistant] Yup, just fucking rock yourself, just spook yourself in front of everybody.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, well first and foremost, you gotta be active man, you gotta get out of here. You gotta get out of here, you gotta do something with your body. You gotta do some hard shit with your body yo. Get out of here and fucking sweat. That's why you stay chuffed up? Yeaah, that's exactly why I stay chuffed up. Go rock climbing, scream at some children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with you, go ahead. Do some, do some fucking, do some hard shit man. The second thing man, you gotta fucking create some chaos in your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Create some fucking chaos. Like what? Say some things to people that you probably shouldn't say. True, true. You know? That's the pain, right? Just see where it goes. You see where it lines up on stuff. You are lying up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's part of it too. The things that you say, those inappropriate things, make sure those are honest things though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't just be a asshole and a fucking hater, no don't do that. But if you're talking to somebody, like sometimes there's people in your family, like we got aunties and uncles and shit like that. Like one of my uncles, he's a crackhead and he's been smoking crack.


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[Assistant] Hell no. Hell no. But yea, but like, uh, back to what I was saying about like the harsh truths, you see what I'm saying? Like just tell somebody real quick, like yo, you hear me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you gonna stop smoking crack, it'll catch him off guard. Like wait, why are you bringing this up? Cause I just wanna know. I wanna know when you gonna stop bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But honest. Yes. Controversial, but honest. And then I think, I think the third thing, dawg, you gotta be brutally self-aware. Know who the fuck you is, dawg. Yea, true. Know who you is, bruh. Yea.


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[Assistant] We're working on the guests, now that we've secured a date today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think today we'll be able to reach out and ask. The date should be. If we get the guest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] December 14th. Chelsea Music Hall. Live on Moment House. Is it Chelsea Music Hall? Yea. Jesus Christ. I believe they're 10 bucks. It's 10 bucks? That'll be fun dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you see the guests we get, you're gonna say, I'm glad I spent that ten dollars.


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[Assistant] Have I talked about this before? It's insane. No. It's just a fucking lady. It's a girl. Yes we have. It's female porn.


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[Assistant] It's literally a woman coming in and being like, this house is fine, but this is what you need to do. And the husband's like, oh, I don't know, honey. And she's like, this isn't a democracy. We don't talk like that. I tell you what to do. And then a bunch of dudes build stuff and a woman shows up and is like, good job guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just ten guys, sawing cabinets in the front yard.


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[Assistant] My friends are having trouble with the contractors and their house is taking for real two years. It's been two years of just remodeling.


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[Assistant] I will say remodeling housing, remodeling houses is very pleasing to the eyes.


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[Assistant] That's the thing, in the show, it's always a guy that's like, cause it is, it's four women, so the woman's always right, and the woman's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've ever heard of a single remodeling that the contractor wasn't a dickhead, according to the, according to the customer.


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[Assistant] It's nice to have the parents with the newborn. Yeah, but dude, it's like- Fuck the parents, they hate it, but fuck them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad would have loved it too. The kids over at my house have, they're, they're running. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause my sister tries to bring four kids over. It's a lot of kids. And the parents, I can hear them, they complain.


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[Assistant] I was home for four days, it sucked. I don't know how anybody's around kids.


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[Assistant] I can't believe people are around kids constantly. It's just screaming.


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[Assistant] Dude, I know we're on the contractors and I'm gonna derail it completely. Thank you. I've been listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were watching the one dude, Nick Fuentes, who's in the, he's in the news as of late because Trump, he went to him, Kanye, Nick Fuentes and Milo Yiannopoulos are like hanging out. Yeah. Which is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fuck, I forget what I was gonna say. Sorry. Oh, you gotta watch it though. It's very wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but Fuentes, he's 18 years old at Charlottesville. He's probably like 20 or 22 now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that, him saying stuff to a camera, he's gonna regret that so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put a camera in your face when you were 22 and was like, how do you feel about the world and politics?


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[Assistant] He's like, yeah, well the people in the middle are fucking it up. Maybe the people on the fringe are the ones who are gonna save us.


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[Assistant] He's gonna work pretty hard to get them out of the situation they're in.


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[Assistant] We're good at it. We're masters of our craft. We're masters at it. They got greedy, that's the problem. Also, they're kinda serious. True. They're also having America First conferences. Yeaah. Where they're on stage and in Mustangs throwing Nazi salutes, which could be the highest form of comedy if they were joking. If they were. If they were joking, yes. Yeaah. That is funny.


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[Assistant] Now it does come at a cost of maybe destroying America, but...


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[Assistant] Yes, of course, of course. Nowadays just buy our shirts, pay us, non-organization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't just be letting fucking all these guys in, you know? Yea. I like to go down there and say, you, yes, you?


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[Assistant] We had to wait. That's why I will not be in the Patreon. We were supposed to be starting earlier. I have to get on a plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you hadn't, yea I set an alarm, I was hitting snooze, I was like nice, Matt's not here yet, Matt's not here yet. Finally I saw a missed call 10 minutes before, I was like, shit he's definitely outside for the last 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yesterday I got done with Set Life. Not a big deal. Wrapped on a series wrap from Shane. You're done? Yea, I'm out. Awesome. It's pretty cool though when you're done filming a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The producer yells, that's a rap for Shane and everybody claps in the room. Really? There you go.


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[Assistant] I better not throw a Roman salute, dude. Why, I hope nobody does.


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[Assistant] Oh man, that was tough to watch. But there's also the thing where it's like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Society, they're not, they're not changing anything, they're just.


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[Assistant] That. Like if a guy gets on a fucking stage and sounds good.


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[Assistant] I was listening to, I've re-listened to Ghosts of the Ostron again. Oh yeah boy. Dude.


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[Assistant] Don't let the fucking fringe bros take over. It's bad news. It's the worst news ever. I've listened, dude, it's about Russia and Germany and World War II. It's the saddest, it's the worst shit ever. The atrocities when the Russians came back are so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, yeah, this is revenge. You guys did this. And the Germans are like, yeah. We did that. It's bad, dude. They're just demolishing each other. Everyone got raped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Like indiscriminately. They were like, when we got it, they would get into towns and be like, we're not doing this for sex. We're doing this cause we hate you guys. Jesus. Cause rape grandmas, kids, everybody. Both sides? Everybody. They're getting everybody. Yeah. And they were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a tag. Oh man. That resulted in like, yea women being like, crucified to-


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[Assistant] You can't let the fringe guys win, dude. No. Cause this is what happens.


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[Assistant] That is a good part. Just so you know, 80 years ago women were being raped to death on the eastern front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] World War II was the result of World War I. Gotcha. I mean that's how, that's how history works. They said, let's run that back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, Germany kind of felt like they got fucked.


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[Assistant] And then they took over and they were like, alright, let's do that again.


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[Assistant] The United States became the financial center of the world, world power.


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[Assistant] And it does make you feel good, every once in a while it makes me feel good that America isn't, is a, as, you know, it's as good as a fucking empire can be. Compared to what those dudes were doing 80 years ago is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was no good, man. It's terrible. It was literally, it's the worst thing of all time.


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[Assistant] They would, they would lose, just the Russians would lose more than we lost in Vietnam. Every day. Every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than we've lost probably in Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, everything combined, daily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for like five years. So numbers wise it was worse. Numbers wise it wasn't comparable. Not even close. Not even comparable. Jesus. It was. What was it like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russia and Germany would lose more guys in one battle than the U.S. lost the entire war.


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[Assistant] Cause the way they were, they were evil. They were pretty bad. We, it was evil versus evil over there. And we were just, we were like, uh, let's let these two kill each other and then we'll invent rock and roll and destroy the other evil one. We killed them with the power of music. True. We did. We hit them with the guitar riffs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee if you walked up to Joe Biden and was like, what was the battle of Kursk?


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[Assistant] Just be like, Donald Trump, what year was, you know. Not that that's how, that's not how you're versed in history of course.


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[Assistant] I think if people knew more about history I think we'd be doing better.


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[Assistant] Bullshit. This bullshit is, it is a little alarming.


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[Assistant] Which is that. Which is, you're dead, you're gone. And then all of your mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives are at home. And a thousand guys show up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, that was what? Like, stick a baby on a bayonet, smash it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 80 years ago. So there's people still alive. Yea, you, you, people listen right now. You probably have a grandpa or grandma that's, she was born then. She was alive during this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even hit Phil with that anymore. Yeah. I've used it. You've used it all up. I've used it up so many. Anytime a guy's on TV, I'm like, do you like that guy? When we're watching sports, he'll be like, yeah, he's good. I'm like, you wanna kiss him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being gay, yeaah, you can't. If you're a man. If you're an old man. It's not even funny. Don't you fucking joke about that. It's not funny. Dude, you wanna know gay? I was watching White Lotus. Do you watch White Lotus? I watched the first episode. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see that. Dude, oh my god. I heard Steve Zahn's cocks in it too. Who? The guy. The one with the dad in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the first season, the dad with the girls. Oh, he's ba- he makes a return? Apparently his penis is in season one, I didn't see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Season 2 is not that funny. I only saw the first ep. It's very uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, uh, it keeps you on edge. It's very uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did you see in the first, wait, which episode? Of Season 2? Yea. The guy's massive cock?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't address it? I addressed it to me. I gave it a beat. I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was still pointing straight down. I guess when your cock's that big, you can be pretty hard and have it, it's too much weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's penis is in it and it's the star of the show, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that guy's cock may drive me to attend CPAC this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I don't go in, I'm gonna go fuck this, fuck CPAC, we're starting our own across the street. It's where we're gonna be even more CPAC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've retreated back to World War I and World War II.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laying on the, it was, I remember exactly when it was, and where I was. I was, it was the day after we did a live podcast at Helium, where we were being a little obnoxious, racially, homophobic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And watching Charlotte, everybody there is a complete fucking dork. Yeah. And they'd like throw stuff at each other and we were like nerd, it was all nerd spazzes to get away from objects. Yeah. Like where you like hunch over and run as fast as you can to get like bumping into shit trying to run away.


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[Assistant] How did they get there? That's what I'm saying. That's what we gotta ask. You can't just be like, no, those are Nazis. No. It's like, dude, he's desperate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's lonely, there's something going on. Now I'm getting into JP I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You watch a documentary like that and you're reminded of how fucking gay that was for so long. Yeaah. It was like three years, four years of just... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five, even a year after. Yea, it's kinda just starting to stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know exactly how to handle it dude. Mom and Dad's Basement. NCAA 2014. The bomb shelter. Wish I could go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should buy their house. With an elevator. I might just buy their house. And lease it to them? And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all living in fucking mud huts. Yeaah. And be like, fuck it, wipe it. There'll be chickens and goats. Let's just go try to find some food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think all of us, that's like all of our country's money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's sick. It's so sick that our country- I fucking love billionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! And then, yes! But wait, are all Democrats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't have, I don't, yeah. If we continue down a path of just wild shit, eventually it's gonna get wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now it's like, you see this fucking trans teacher? What a freak. It could get to the point where it's like, damn, they raped that town. It's happened. You gotta watch out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want your town getting raped while you're dead. No. You're in a fucking prisoner of war camp in Russia. And your whole fucking family gets raped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think we're anywhere close to that right now, something like that, but it is, it seems to me, I don't know, it's not like I have any fucking concept of what this is. But, yea, I'm just literally talking until I have to get on a plane. I'm just making noises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be sitting there like, what the fuck was that podcast? No, it's good. Why did I say those things? Uhm.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know how these people got fucked. How'd they get there? What? In the past. In World War II. All these massive events. How'd they get there? That's what I'm trying to figure out. And it's not like we're...


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[Assistant] Technically, like, it's easy to sit there and be like, well, they came out of monarchies, which was a mistake. Now we're better than that. It's like, are we? We don't know. Is this a step forward? Who knows? No one knows. If we're better or more equipped for handling, I don't know, what the fuck I'm trying to say.


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[Assistant] Someone could scoop you. Every day. Every day. Caleb Williams danced around Notre Dame's defense. Eventually I'd be like, I need answers. Somebody, I'll pick up a gun. Oh, hit me a rifle. I'll head over there.


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[Assistant] No, no, USC was favored. I thought Notre Dame had a chance. I thought we'd be able to pound the rock on them. Which we would be able to, but they held the entire game. I'm not gonna say what race the refs were. They were Jewish refs.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you why, he wasn't actually being racist. But I can feel the undertones, because Caleb Williams is USC's quarterback.


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[Assistant] He's cool. He's a cool guy. He's Mr. Cool. He paints his fingernails before games, it says like fuck Notre Dame on his fingernails. He wore like a Kyler Murray, he wore like a Hillary Clinton pantsuit to the game with chains on.


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[Assistant] He's, who's Kyler Murray? He's a quarterback at Arizona.


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[Assistant] They dri- well they- pregame's a fashion show for the-


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[Assistant] Let me see if Caleb's suit's on here. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] But yea, Caleb Williams shows up in cool outfits to games. There he is.


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[Assistant] They took them to the worst human experience of all time. They fucked up so bad.


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[Assistant] They got the worst result of all time.


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[Assistant] It'd be like giving, it'd be like, you know, handing your daughter the wheel of your car on the highway. That would be the result of what happened. It's just pure, the worst decision of all time.


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[Assistant] True, although in Notre Dame USC next year, at Notre Dame, I'll be there.


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[Assistant] Also, there's the other thing. Then, you know, you sit here and you're like, all these fucking alright guys, yeaah, we're not a fucking...


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[Assistant] Pedophile stuff? It's not like the guy was gonna zoom in on the paperwork on the desk to see that it was...


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[Assistant] If you're in high fashion, you are a fucking idiot.


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[Assistant] Now, that is one good thing about the extremism right now. It is bringing the base back. The old white dudes are going, what?


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[Assistant] To all the extreme bullshit they're all going, what the fuck is this? Yeah. Cut it out.


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[Assistant] That's nice. Bring the boys back in the middle a little.


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[Assistant] I have to admit that whole slavery thing was a bit of a fuck up.


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[Assistant] They couldn't go to college like during when I was in college? So?


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[Assistant] Do we have to do, if I have to watch one more libs of TikTok of some fucking rainbow haired kindergarten teacher being like, I talked to all my gay students. Like bro, they're in kindergarten, they're all gay.


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[Assistant] Listen to Dan Carlin's Ghosts of the Ostrom. Check that out.


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[Assistant] They got fuckin' Holocausted. The Germans? They got fuckin' destroyed. Their civilians got murdered. Oh, yeaah. Murdered and raped.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you should, yeah, you should just say give me some of that oil.


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[Assistant] I wonder if the bros in the middle east look at like the Isis type guys as the same way


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[Assistant] Everybody gets carried away. The Romans got very carried away, dude.


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[Assistant] What'd you say? Fuck, this guy's a minute away. That's the thing about calling it- That's the thing about living in the Big Apple, guys. You call an Uber, it's at your front door in a fucking minute.


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[Assistant] My girlfriend's still back home and I sit here by myself and I plug them in at night. Time for Christmas miracle. Yeah, it makes me sad to sit around with Christmas lights in an empty house.


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[Assistant] I wish it was, went long enough that we could edit out the whole first half of that. No way, dude. I've gotta go. Make sure, if you don't tune in to our holiday extravaganza. Oh yea, dude. Even though I'm not sure it's holiday related, but. December 14th? Yea, we're gonna, it's certainly gonna, it's gonna be jolly. Super jolly, dude. Alright, the fucking Uber's here.


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[Assistant] My woman prepared us eggs and bacon. They're delicious, but my belly does not taste. Matt ate my girlfriend's breakfast.


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[Assistant] It was after the extremely long late night I got out of the Uber and sprained my ankle.


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[Assistant] And then my woman, my woman spaz, she was like, I'm getting Chris.


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[Assistant] Oh, you could barely walk from your ankle? No, I got up the steps and I was in bed and she was like, I'm getting Chris. I was like, what are you talking about?


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[Assistant] She was hammered, so she was like, Chris needs to take a look at this. So we needed to call the doctor. We woke up the doctor, and we're like, take a look at this, and he came up, and I was like, uuuh.


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[Assistant] I haven't worked out in so long. Do a wheelchair workout. I'm just gonna, yea, I'll just do arms. Get a wheelchair. I'll get a wheelchair.


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[Assistant] Perhaps I will. I have to fly Thursday. They can't ask questions. Wait, what's today? Tuesday. Oh, thank God. I thought it was Wednesday. Yea, what's next? Damn, I gotta fly tomorrow. Yea, right? Today's Tuesday? Tuesday. Oooh. It's a nice treat. I get to lay down for another 48 hours.


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[Assistant] Nice. Yes. It will. The rest is necessary. I left my debit card and credit card at a bar on Saturday. So I have to go into the city to get it.


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[Assistant] I don't know what happened. I called and I was like, did I leave a card there? And they were like, two.


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[Assistant] That's what I said, with this, I thought it was my one debit card and I have another one. I was gonna call the bar and just be like, can you throw that out?


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[Assistant] Cause I'm not coming into the city just to get two cards at a sad bar.


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[Assistant] I think you can, I think there's a job, like you can do that. Task rabbit. Task rabbit. Yea.


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[Assistant] That's not bad. It'll cost so much money to Uber there and back. That'll be a hundred, a hundred dollars.


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[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes. Good stuff this weekend, huh? Dude. That was fun. Unbelievable. That was awesome. Thanks to, guys, thanks to everybody that came out to Town Hall. That was a magical two nights. Felt really nice.


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[Assistant] Now that I think about it. Second show I thought was going to be my demise, dude. Second show was great. It was fun, it was great, right? It's funny, both of us thought we didn't do as well. It's just because we weren't as nervous.


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[Assistant] I did that. And then sometimes you do it and you really don't even know you didn't set it up.


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[Assistant] So you're like, oh, okay, what's your guys fucking problem? That joke usually kills. You guys suck.


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[Assistant] When you were on, I was back there with Butterly and I was like, it's great dude. It's great just seeing Matt in front of a theater.


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[Assistant] I will say though, the green room, before shows I get very stressed. Yeaah. When there's that many people.


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[Assistant] Well Friday there was nobody there. Yeah, that was nice. Chillzone. But. And then Saturday, all the bros, all the, the, the Jays. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yes, and my agent now, he cut his hair, he looks like a 12 year old. He did look young. He's a young boy. He did.


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[Assistant] How he looks? Yea, I like the way he looks. He's small, I'd like to get my paws on him.


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[Assistant] When I said, come here, we need to talk business. I grabbed you and ripped your pants off.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It was good. Everything was good. It was truly a blast. Pretty neat. That was a nice time. And then Matt and I went to the SNL after party. That was fun. That was so fun.


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[Assistant] It is, it's nice. That's the last part of it's nice.


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[Assistant] It was. Yeah. It's always dark. It's always like, there's always like, it's not lighting, it's always like red lighting or like. Well the entrance is guarded by ladies who are being


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[Assistant] One time Kanye came to the stand and he showed up by himself. And I think it was Joe. I forget which one it was. There was a manager at the stand that was like, no.


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[Assistant] He walked by himself at like 2am to an after party and he was wearing like a hood. He was wearing a Kanye outfit. He literally-


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[Assistant] He was wearing like a mask cause I think it was during COVID and he like, he looked, he looked like a homeless guy. Yeah. And they're like, no, absolutely not. And then he like took his hood off and they were like,


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[Assistant] That would beat my ass dude. Yeah, that's their job. Their job's there for just in case a dude tries to all-stop.


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[Assistant] He did call that Was Silo. It might not have been him. I think it was just a black dude in a green suit.


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[Assistant] You're like, all the A-listers are here. Silo's probably here. Silo's definitely here. There's no way Silo's not at this point. I didn't see him. I didn't see him, but. It's funny, yea.


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[Assistant] What's the boatsman name in the River Styx? It's not Hades.


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[Assistant] Hades is the place. Wait, who's the guy who takes you? No, Hades is the god. Who's the guy who takes you?


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[Assistant] There's a funny meme that makes me laugh, it's like, it's like weed.


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[Assistant] Weed and mushroom civilizations and it's like huts. It's like alcoholic, alcoholic fucking civilizations. It's just Rome.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean the anxiety post hangover is what drives civilization. You wake up, you go, I gotta do something. I gotta get something done. I've got to become great.


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[Assistant] I'll never live this down. I never, yeah, I'm always jealous of the dudes who don't get hangover anxiety. There's guys that just are like, yeah, last night was crazy. That was fun.


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[Assistant] I am jealous of the people that are like, that was fun. Stone people. I can almost never do that. They're called wooden people. Even if it's a great night. Called wooden people, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it requires it, it has to be a true, like Saturday was fun. Saturday was fun. Oh dude. Stayed out too late, rolled my ankle.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll wake you up. Party, dude. It was party time. You had a chocolate bar.


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[Assistant] That just reminds me before I get, speaking of Farley, we were talking about Adam Egott came over on Sunday and we went and watched some football, telling funny stories. He was telling me a story about, I forget who the guy, I forget the guy's name, so I'm going to fuck it up, but the guy who I think co-wrote Dirty Work with Norm, but he said he told, so right, he worked at SNL and Rodney Dangerfield was hosting and he was like, I got a joke. I'm going to run it past Rodney. And he was like, all right, there's two gay guys.


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[Assistant] And they're, they're, they're gonna play hide and seek together. And the guy goes, let's play hide. The one guy, one gay guy says to the other gay guy, he goes, let's play hide and seek. And if you find me, you can fuck me. I'll be behind the couch.


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[Assistant] I was like, dude, how do you even come up, how does somebody come up with a street joke?


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[Assistant] It's crazy. That's genius. I honestly- It's like a weird level of genius that's like...


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[Assistant] Good, turns out civilizations are old. Older than we think perhaps. Really? But are they?


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[Assistant] Who knows? We never find out. It's got a hint of ancient aliens. Does it? Yea, cause there's nothing really to film. So they just film Graham Hancock just walking and staring at things.


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[Assistant] That's pretty funny. Once you realize that's the formula of the show, it kinda ruins the show. Cause it's just Graham Hancock, like, on a cliff, like. This looks old.


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[Assistant] Whatever you gotta do to keep, yea, it's funny that the big oil is so good at, you know, the way they trick us.


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[Assistant] The whites? Is to be like, it's actually a conspiracy theory.


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[Assistant] Is that why there's, what's the name of the civilization in Anarcha? I don't know, I've never heard of it. Warmout talks about it.


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[Assistant] Hancock was onto some good stuff though. What was he saying? He was saying that, uh, he thinks, uh, asteroid or meteor, whatever, whatever hits the earth, meteor, hit the ice cap. That's why we can't find it.


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[Assistant] And it caused all that ice to melt like, like that. And it caused the great floods that are in every civilization's mythology. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] The so-called experts, he hates archeologists.


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[Assistant] He's like, I'm not an archeologist, I never got a degree in this, but listen up. Well yea, what's his credentials, what does he do? I don't know, they, he does, look, he brings up some good fucking points. He does. I am, I am being cynical.


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[Assistant] I'm up there saying, Graham, good luck with that. I'd like to see your citations.


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[Assistant] That's fair. Never use sources bro. Never use a source.


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[Assistant] There's supposed to be a press release today. Really? About me and it's gonna probably result in some old quotes.


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[Assistant] They can't touch the live shows. Yeah. But if it's cool shows on TV or something.


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[Assistant] There's literally a written article. It's like, you know this guy sucks. Playing Xbox.


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[Assistant] Nonstop. Podcasts give me so much anxiety now. It makes sense. It's all I think about. Not all I think about, but I think about it a lot. I'm like, oh fuck, I said this about this person, they're gonna be so...


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[Assistant] I'm Florida strong. No doubt. I get crushed by Eric and no one cares or talks about it.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' idiots. Yeah, that's what they get for living there. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Elon Musk's Twitter. I don't know if anything bothers me more than people shitting on Elon Musk.


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[Assistant] This is so fucking, look, I'm not saying you shouldn't make fun of Elon Musk, but like


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[Assistant] That it's become like a polarizing, like, the left is like, oh, we're gonna have to pay to be verified now, fuck you. It's like, what do you care, you psycho? Yeah. What are you talking about? What if the money goes to support? It's like, do you all really feel strongly about it, or did one person that you all follow say it?


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[Assistant] Was there another thing that came out that the Stanford Prison Experiment was false? Like it was, that's not how it went? Uh, I don't know. I forget what it was.


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[Assistant] As soon as you cry, it's like, alright, that guy's sorry.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know if it's guilt as much as you just are frustrated and want out.


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[Assistant] Yeah man. Like I don't have to worry about any of that other stuff. Yeah. I just gotta handle my shit in here. Yeah. I just gotta do pushups and fuck guys. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But everyone's gonna get stabbed 78 times by a fuckin' shaved down toothbrush.


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[Assistant] Little d-low from the top. Actually that was Benoit, was the headbutt. Really? Yea, his move was he would headbutt you from the top ropes.


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[Assistant] I could be wrong about that, but. Yea, there's gotta be some sort of like holding place. I think there are holding cells throughout New York that are also, that's gotta be the worst.


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[Assistant] They're pretty bad. It's gotta be up there.


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[Assistant] They have to be pretty bad to be in there. Yeaah. Cause there's a lot of housing challenge guys that are up to no good that are just out.


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[Assistant] You gotta, you're the worst of the worst housing challenged, and then you, with a hangover, waking up like,


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[Assistant] Very deep insult. You're disappointed. You're disappointed by Matt. No, I wouldn't say that's monologue. You're disappointed by.


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[Assistant] Some good ones about class. Man, I used to like this. Street jokes are very fun. We get them going. Do you know any good ones, Sean? I know a good one.


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[Assistant] Why'd you do that? You asked me if I had a street joke. Yea, just a nice one. Yea, dude I know of nine of those. I'll give you one. Yea. Sorry. So there's a comedian on a cruise ship. Actually, I'm sorry, he's a magician on a cruise ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's the acts before him as a comedian and a clown and they have a parrot as part of the group. So every night.


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[Assistant] They go first and they gotta clear out, but the parrots always still in the back of the room and they do the same act every night. So every night the magician goes on and he starts doing his act and the parrots are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cruise ship sinks, and the only survivors are the magicians just sitting there floating.


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[Assistant] Days go by, three days go by, and he realizes the parrot's floating, getting closer on another raft. Day three, the parrot comes up and goes, Alright asshole, where's the boat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, there's a paratrooper, let me tell you this one. There's a paratrooper in the war, and he comes home from boot camp and his paw is like, man, how'd you do it? How'd you do jumping? I knew you were afraid of heights and all that, and he goes, well,


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[Assistant] Before I jumped out of the plane, my drill instructor got behind me and said, if you don't jump, I'm gonna fuck you in the ass right now. And his dad goes, did you jump? I mean a little at first.


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[Assistant] It was at the second street comedy club in Harrisburg. I said an anti-semitic joke. Did you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, uh, Carlos Mencia. I was opening for Carlos.


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[Assistant] It was a big deal. Inside the mind of the master. It was a big deal. The master was on stage and the way he ended the show is he brought up his openers and they were just fucking around telling street jokes.


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[Assistant] And he was like, you gotta go up there and tell that. That's fucking hilarious. And I was like, alright, I'll do it. And I went on and I told the joke. It was a terrible joke. I'm very ashamed of it.


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[Assistant] And I finished the joke and they turned the lights on and ended the show.


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[Assistant] This is an extremely inappropriate bad joke that I deeply regret. Something Sean would like.


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[Assistant] It was actually very similar to yours, that's why I said, what's the difference between Jewish people and Santa Claus?


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know. I forget. He was nice. I remember that. I remember him being cool.


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[Assistant] Yeah, just cause you and your buddies laugh behind closed doors doesn't mean the whole public's gonna think it's great. You're right. I figured the second street comedy club in Harrisburg, that crowd would be all for it. Turns out they were not excited.


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[Assistant] No, that was, at Second Street Comedy Club, downstairs was a bar that had one dollar...


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[Assistant] One dollar, you call it. So the whole bar was one dollar.


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[Assistant] For an hour. I would go down and drink as many IPAs as I could in one hour.


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[Assistant] You do kind of forget about the painful anxiety. You do. And you're just like, that was sick. That was fun.


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[Assistant] Free time is tough though. You think it is? I will say free time in Mount Vernon was tough for me. When you were doing your old apartment.


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[Assistant] Now I can enjoy free time pretty, I'm like nice. I get fucking three days off. That's true. Let's go. No, that's a fair point. It's free time. You saw what I was doing. Little Battlefield 1.


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[Assistant] I'm nice with the sniper. Everything else I am horrendous.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was hurting my team. You saw what happened when I sniped, cleared that whole fucking house out.


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[Assistant] 22 minutes? Oh nice, this thing's flying. Yea, we ripped it up man. This was another fucking hit. Shane, we ripped it up man. Man, we keep coming up with big hits. We got in here, he fucking ripped it up. I mean every time we're at the plate, they're like, they can't do it again. It's been done. It can't be another home run. It's been done. Gone. Out. It's out of the park. It's out.


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[Assistant] The Carlos Mencius story out of the park. That's not gonna come back to haunt me.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, there was no disrespect to the king. Oh, you're talking about what you did. Yea, what I did.


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[Assistant] I was genuinely remorseful. I remember a woman coming up and being like, what you did was wrong, and I remember genuinely being like,


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[Assistant] I'm really fucking sorry about that. My bad on that.


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[Assistant] At the last place I worked at, the Toyota place in the garage, everyone would take lunch at the same time. So the place would just be fucked. And then like you'd be the one stuck down there. You'd have to go to lunch early to beat the rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to communicate this to you. I'd have to run back and be like, what? Tell him it's this. I'm like, alright. It's this. Like, how much is that? Cause I'm here for an oil change. It's gonna be $1200. Otherwise, I recommend you don't drive the car. It's a safety hazard. You'd be like, do you have kids?


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[Assistant] I wouldn't drive that thing. Unless you're comfortable with your kids dying. You should give me $1700 to fix a part that I don't, and then they'd be like, what does it do? The part that I need to fix, what does it do?


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[Assistant] Every single thing. And then you look up, cause I worked there, the parts, nothing. It's literally labor for some psycho in the back.


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[Assistant] And they're all like, I'm not doing it. My job was to force dudes in the garage to do the fucking job.


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[Assistant] I got in fights non- I'd have to go back and be like dude, they're waiting. Fucking do it.


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[Assistant] They'd have like, you know, they'd have like four jobs. Yeaah, yeaah. And they'd be like, I can't do it. And I'd be like, well, I sold it, so you're doing it. You have to do it. You have to do it. They're here. Yeaah. And I'd be like, dude, do I need to get our boss? I'd be like, I'll go get him dude, he's in his office.


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[Assistant] There wasn't one moment, there was a couple cool ass dudes that were like, they were the best at their jobs. That wouldn't spaz, but everybody else was new. And I was new so they had me in the quick lane.


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[Assistant] So all my guys were brand new and all they were doing was fucking like oil changes. That's all they could do. That's the only thing I knew about. So I would have to battle those dudes every day though. Like we got four more oil changes.


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[Assistant] Like, they'll come back and be like, your oil pan's leaking. Yeah. And then you'd look at it and be like, is it? Yeah. No, it's fine, dude. I'm not paying. Yeah. Three grand for a new oil thing. Just, I don't need oil. The car's gonna run, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was, and all my guys were Africans. Really? African dudes from Philly that were just... They're usually hard working. They are, but they'll turn on you. They'll give you the evil eye.


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[Assistant] Then the one dude got my number, so he would text me like, memes. Insane fucking memes.


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[Assistant] Let's switch over. Let's do it. Guys, keep listening over at Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't really know anything about it. I've been listening, I've been watching All Quiet on the Western Front on repeat, playing Battlefield 1 and listening to...


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[Assistant] Carlin, every night. I don't know anything about it though.


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[Assistant] The three things are pain, uncertainty, and constant work.


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[Assistant] And that was a radical acceptance, right? You just have to accept people are sometimes shitty. Dude.


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[Assistant] All right. So how many notes are there on a standard grand piano?


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[Assistant] There we go. Welcome to the podcast. We're here, we're live with Bert Kreischer and Matt McCusker. How are you, Matt? It's all bad. How are you? Good. You look good, dude. Thank you, man. No, no, no. No one looks as good as you.


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[Assistant] Tommy cut my hair last night. Did he really? Yea. Sober.


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[Assistant] Speaking of, did you see Team USA last night? Put a hurtin' on those dumb Canadians in baseball. We lost to Mexico in baseball. Pretty bad. No, it's not fair.


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[Assistant] USA should be the best team. At baseball? Yes. Brother.


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[Assistant] No, for real. If we had all of our players that actually played, no one would beat us.


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[Assistant] The second World Cup Olympics, I don't give a fuck about World Baseball Classic, I just found out it was on.


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[Assistant] Turn it on, I was like, what the fuck, we lost to Mexico? I was mad, dude. And we always placate Mexico, because we're always trying to sell tickets. So when we play Mexico in any sporting event, it's always in Texas or Arizona.


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[Assistant] Pack it out. Our home games and soccer is just all green. It's all them.


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[Assistant] I wrote it, I wrote it. You could do that in a liberal, a group of liberals. You could say we should fucking nuke Russia. Yea, before they get us. And they'd be like yea, definitely. Really? Now you can, yea. We read the New York Times, yes, we should nuke Russia.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you can do it again. Good call. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. You'd hate Russians. I miss it. Being able to just hate a country.


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[Assistant] I mean, I guess cause it's such a, hopefully that doesn't happen cause then the world's over.


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[Assistant] Cause then they're gonna suck someone. If you die before your wife, your wife sucks on one event.


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[Assistant] She's gonna blow a guy, I swear to God, within one year of your past.


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[Assistant] Sucking's a lot. Obviously yes, you do want them to suck again.


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[Assistant] Sex show in Amsterdam? That's the last time I saw you. That'll give you a boner.


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[Assistant] Was he getting after the kids? Dude, he would break in, shoot you in the head, then he would shoot the man in the head. Then he'd go rape the wife. And if you were a kid, he would fuck your kid.


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[Assistant] He was going hard for like 200 days. Then they got, but he was doing it like every day. What an asshole. He's the biggest fucking turd, maybe of all time. Yea, I would say. I don't know. What a jerk.


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[Assistant] He was bad, but Dahmer is the one that- No, dude, this guy was buttfucking like eight year olds. I'd rather someone eat my kids. Shoot you in the head as a dude, and then rape and maybe kill your wife or just rape her, and then buttfuck a kid.


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[Assistant] I don't know why it was three years, but he got two guys from El Paso as defense attorneys and they were fucking idiots, dude. This could be a mistrial because his defense attorneys are such fucking morons. They were like, dude, you better not talk to me like that. They talking shit to the other lawyer.


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[Assistant] There's these two Mexican dudes that are like, if this guy, you're lucky this is a courtroom, dude, to the other lawyer. They're like, dude, what are you doing?


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[Assistant] Yeah, he, the best is at the end he's like, he holds up his hand, he's got a pentagram in it, and he's like, hail Satan. And then they're like, he pleads not guilty.


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[Assistant] They should have. No, he... Oh, he might have been on death row for that long.


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[Assistant] Although obviously guys aren't real if you let them do all that stuff like, uh, free will bro. I know, but you're just some couple. Dude, one of the first ones, he's just some old Asian couple. He just broke in.


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[Assistant] If you die and everything goes black, death doesn't exist. Cause you never existed.


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[Assistant] So technically death doesn't exist because literally if you die and everything goes black, nothing ever existed.


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[Assistant] Terrified, terrified. Yeah, I'd like to say I'm not, but obviously yes. I mean, I'd be scared if I had to do it tomorrow. Does it wake you up?


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[Assistant] How would you like to go out? I mean, hopefully I'm laying on this couch and a psycho breaks in and shoots me in the head. I mean, just, and you're like, haha. Mid dream. Look at that fat guy fall off the jungle gym. True. Lenny, Lenny from Mice and Men.


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[Assistant] Hold on. You're so cool. I just watched it, I don't even remember. Did you really? Yeah, I just saw it for the first time.


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[Assistant] She's from Liverpool. Really? Oh my god. Oh, an English lady. She's a scouser. See that accent? That fucking like... She's like, choke me.


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[Assistant] There's a guy, I don't know his name, all he does is peck. He kisses the girls, he kisses them like 10 times in a row. He won't stop kissing them. Like kissing them. This is a really special moment. I'm so glad we're here together.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I guess The Bachelor is an emotional show for these people. The brother started crying. The brother, they had an interview where the brother sat down with his sister and was like, are you ready to maybe get your heart broken again?


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[Assistant] Have you, wait, hold on. He said they, he sat in the car at the end and they played sad music.


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[Assistant] And they just, what happened? The show was just you guys in a house? We all lived in a house. And they voted, you guys all, you guys voted each other off? No.


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[Assistant] Like stardom and riches and all of them, so. I do want to add one thing real quick. Look at our team, Matt. Look how locked in and excited they are.


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[Assistant] No, they don't care. They were all just looking at their phones. No one cares. Look at our team. Locked in. The mayor is standing. Hungry. Hungry dogs run faster. Full dogs back there.


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[Assistant] So hold on, I know we've, let's go back to the mushrooms, but we still need to cover steroids. Yes. Yeah. If you want to be jacked. Okay. Let's trade. What are you doing? Are you, is this a bit that you're making fun of? No. Some other people that are on steroids? Nope. Cause that would be funny. They're my brothers in arms.


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[Assistant] I hate it. Oh, come on. Well, it's always cause it's a fucking 6 a.m.


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[Assistant] The very last time I did radio, it was local news. They did a zoom in local news. They just said Sean Gillis at the bottom.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, when I got there, I think I also had to do radio and I was like, the manager was in Rochester and the manager was in the crowd and I was like, could somebody here clap if you saw me on the local news or radio today?


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[Assistant] I was like, alright, can you stop making people do that? Thank you. Damn. Yeah. And I think you did.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he kicked all the boys out. We were with the girls. He wanted the volleyball girls to himself. Yeah, dude. I was pissed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, volleyball girls? Dude. What about? Yeah, no shit. It's, it's, it's man. I've been in my special about it. About their shorts. About how it's totally not necessary.


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[Assistant] I told you that fucking, there's this girl that's an LSU gymnast. She's so fucking hot, dude.


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[Assistant] Uh, she's in a commercial now. I was last night, I was sitting here and I was like, that's the girl I look at her Instagram.


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[Assistant] What's her name? Oh, are you trying to find the gymnast?


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[Assistant] He needs redemption. He didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. He was trying to goof off in a high pressure situation. That couldn't happen to any of us.


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[Assistant] I do have to get rid of that picture, you're right. The other one is just me doing stand up. No, you're in the one, you're in the other one. What other one?


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[Assistant] I think you'd be addicted that quickly. Oh, they'll get you. Yeah, they'll get you. Well what happened is I had a script. I had a script in North Carolina.


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[Assistant] I'll do sheathies. Yes. Today's episode is sponsored by sheath underwear.


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[Assistant] If you're tired of having your dick stuck to your balls, it's time to try sheath.


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[Assistant] This underwear features two pouches, one for your dick and one for your balls. Keep it breezy down there.


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[Assistant] It comes in tons of cool patterns to help you look good and feel comfortable.


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[Assistant] I actually wear sheath constantly. I think we both do. Are you wearing them now? I'm wearing them right now.


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[Assistant] Make my girlfriend wear it. And jog. And that's it. Time to start jogging.


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[Assistant] Hey Matt. Shall we? Shall we get back to the podcast? Let's go. I was having such a good time. Me too. Let's get Burt back in here.


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[Assistant] Love it, love it. Oh boy. Love getting a good nose trim.


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[Assistant] You drinking tonight? You have to fly out tonight. I'm not drinking. Oh, actually, you know what I gotta do? Fucking, uh, Tuesdays with Stories tonight, live. Norman and Joe List podcast. Okay. So I'll probably have a couple of cocktails for that one.