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[Assistant] You really know my heart, Zhonghui said, as he laughed. So from that day forth, the two of them schemed every day about their grand enterprise.


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[Assistant] But unbeknownst to Zhonghui, Jiang Wei was secretly passing notes to Liu Shan, telling him, Your majesty only need to tolerate a few more days humiliation. I will restore the kingdom and make the sun and the moon shine once more. I will not allow the House of Han to be extinguished.


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[Assistant] While Zhong Hui and Jiang Wei were discussing rebellion, a letter arrived from Sima Zhao. It said, I was concerned that you could not take Dong Ai yourself, so I have garrisoned at Chang'an. We will meet soon. I wanted to give you a heads up first.


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[Assistant] Zhang Wei now offered a plan. I heard that Empress Dowager Guo recently died.


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[Assistant] We can pretend that she left a decree to bring Sumajal to justice for killing the previous emperor. With your talent, you can take the heartlands with no trouble at all.


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[Assistant] You will be my vanguard, Zhonghui said. When we succeed, we will share the spoils. I am willing to do all that I can, Zhonghui said.


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[Assistant] We can put on a grand lantern display at the palace and invite all the officers to a feast.


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[Assistant] If anyone dares to disobey us, we will kill them.


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[Assistant] Zhang Wei agreed, secretly rejoicing at the thought of pitting Zhong Hui against his own man.


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[Assistant] The next day, which was the 15th day of the first month of the year 264, they invited all the officers to a feast.


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[Assistant] After a few rounds of wine, Zhong Hui suddenly started weeping. Surprised, the officers asked him what was up.


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[Assistant] Before she died, Emperor Stowager Guo left a decree, which I have here, Zhonghui said. She said that Sima Zhao is a traitor who killed his emperor and will usurp the throne sooner or later. She ordered me to bring him to justice. You all must now sign your name to this decree and join me on this mission.


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[Assistant] Uhm, okay. All the officers were stunned and looking at each other like, is he kidding? He's kidding, right? Are you signing that? I'm not signing that.


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[Assistant] Sensing their skepticism, Zhonghui drew his sword and declared, whoever disobeys will be executed.


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[Assistant] Well, since you put it that way, sure, let's all sign our names. After every officer had signed, Zheng Hui had them all locked inside the palace and put guards on them, but Zhang Wei told him, I don't think they will obey your commands. Kill them now.


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[Assistant] I have ordered a giant pit to be dug in the palace and have prepared thousands of large rods, Junhui said. Whoever disobeys will be beaten to death and thrown into the pit.


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[Assistant] While they were talking, one of Zhong Hui's trusted officers was standing by and hearing every word. This guy's name was Qiu Jian.


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[Assistant] He used to serve under the general, Houlié, and Houlié just so happened to be among those locked up inside the palace at the moment. So, Chojien sneaked into the palace and told his old boss, what his new boss had said, about killing everyone.


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[Assistant] Hulie was shocked and said with tears in his eyes, my son Huyuan is leading the troops in the field. How could he know that Zhonghui is up to no good? If you place any value in our old bond, please get word out to him. I would die without regret. Benefactor, do not worry, Qiu Jian said. I will try.


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[Assistant] Qiu Jian then went to see Zhong Hui and said, my lord, you have locked the officers in the palace. They lack water and food. Should we assign someone to deliver those things?


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[Assistant] Julia gave this man a secret letter, and the Kafeinat rushed it to Julia's son, Hu Yuan, telling him everything.


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[Assistant] Hu Yuan was shocked and immediately alerted all the officers in camp. They were all enraged by Zhong Hui's treachery and told Hu Yuan, We would rather die than follow a traitor.


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[Assistant] So they planned an assault on Zhonghui on the 18th day of the month. Wei Guan, the army supervisor, was impressed with the plan and organized the troops for the strike.


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[Assistant] In the meantime, Qiu Jian sent word back to Hu Lie and the other officers in the palace.


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[Assistant] On the 18th day, Zhong Hui summoned Jiang Wei and said, Last night I dreamed I was being bitten by thousands of large snakes. What omen is this?


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[Assistant] When one dreams of snakes or dragons, it's a good omen, Zhang Wei said.


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[Assistant] Incredibly, Zhang Wei believed this and felt good about his dream. He then told Zhang Wei, everything is ready. How about we let the officers out one by one and ask if they will help us? But Zhang Wei said,


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[Assistant] This lot will not obey you and will be a threat in time. Let's just kill them all now.


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[Assistant] Junhui agreed and told Zhang Wei to take some guards to go kill the detained officers, but just as they were about to head out, a sharp pain suddenly shot through Zhang Wei's chest and he collapsed to the floor.


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[Assistant] The men helped him get up and it took him a good while to come around.


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[Assistant] As he was getting back on his feet, loud shouts rose from outside the palace. Chung Hui was about to send someone to go see what was going on when the loud cries closed in from all sides, followed by a seemingly endless stream of soldiers.


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[Assistant] This must be the wicked doings of those officers, Zhang Wei said. We should execute them first.


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[Assistant] Soon, a fire started outside the palace and the attacking troops kicked down the doors to the main hall. Zhonghui drew his sword and slew a few men, but was soon put down by a shower of arrows and the troops swarmed in and cut off his head.


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[Assistant] As for Zhang Wei, he charged to and fro in the hall with sword in hand, but his chest pains returned, and he could not fight on. Looking skyward, he shouted, It is heaven's will that my plan did not succeed.


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[Assistant] And with that, he turned his sword on himself and slit his own throat. He was 59 years old.


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[Assistant] By the time the melee ended and Wei Guan ordered all the troops back to their own camps, hundreds lay dead in the palace. In an act of vengeance, the Wei troops cut open Zhang Wei's body, whereupon they found a gallbladder as big as an egg, which, as the belief went, explained his courage. They also rounded up his family and killed them all.


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[Assistant] Now there were still men from Deng Ai's old outfit in the army. When they saw that Zhong Hui and Zhang Wei had both been killed, they rushed off to rescue their old commander. When Wei Guan heard about this he said, I was the one who arrested Deng Ai. If he lives, there would be no resting place for my bones.


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[Assistant] Hearing this, the officer Tian Xu stepped forward and said, When Deng Ai was laying siege to the city of Jiang You, he wanted to execute me, and I was only spared because the other officers pleaded for my life. Let me have my revenge today.


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[Assistant] Wei Guan was delighted and sent Tian Xu with 500 men to go chase down Deng Ai.


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[Assistant] As they approached the city of Mianzhu they saw that Deng Ai and his son had just been freed from their prisoner carts and were about to head back to Chengdu.


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[Assistant] Seeing men approach in the distance, Deng Ai thought that these were his old troops, so his guard was down. Just as he was about to speak to the oncoming soldiers, Tian Xu cut him down with one swing of the saber. Deng Ai's son Deng Zhong was also killed in the melee.


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[Assistant] So in the span of one day, we have disposed of the three major characters from this last section of the novel.


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[Assistant] You had Dong Ai, who probably did not intend to rebel, Zhong Hui, who most definitely did, and Jiang Wei, who was actively fomenting Zhong Hui's rebellion so he could start his own. Guilty or innocent, victorious or defeated, none of it mattered as they are all dead now.


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[Assistant] Of course, we need to have a poem for each of them to go out on. First up is Donghae.


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[Assistant] From boyhood on he fashioned shrewd designs. Inventive, he excelled in waging wars. His steady gaze could read the lay of the land or tell the secrets hidden in the stars.


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[Assistant] In tender years, a genius he was hailed. As counselor, he came to serve the throne. His stratagems did shake the Sima clan. Another Zhang Liang, people called him then.


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[Assistant] Zhonghui won everlasting fame at Shouchun. At Saber Pass, his feats of arms won fame.


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[Assistant] Proud be his native district of Tianshui. From Liang province there did come such a man, born to the noble line of Jiang Ziya, well trained in war by crafty Zhuge Liang.


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[Assistant] So great in courage, what had he to fear? His hero's heart was pledged to hold the field. In Chengdu, on the day he lost his life.


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[Assistant] The generals of Han sat sorrow-filled.


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[Assistant] Zhang Wei, Deng Ai, and Zhong Hui were not the only casualties of that day's fighting.


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[Assistant] Shu generals like Zhang Yi were also killed in the Scrum, along with the former Crown Prince of Shu and a descendant of Guan Yu's. Both the army and the civilians were engulfed in the chaos and countless people were trampled to death.


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[Assistant] Ten days later, Si Ma Zhao's advisor Jia Chong arrived to put out word that all was now well, and there was nothing to see here.


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[Assistant] He left Weiguan to oversee Chengdu, and then relocated the former Shu Emperor Liu Shan to the Wei capital Luoyang.


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[Assistant] Only a few officials such as Qiao Zhou and Xi Zheng accompanied their former lord on the journey.


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[Assistant] The old Shu generals Liao Hua and Dong Jue both stayed home on account of illness, and they both died from worry soon thereafter.


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[Assistant] So we're now in the third month of the year 264, and hey, remember when the Kingdom of Wu sent that relief force to go save their ally? Yeaah, me neither. That seemed like so long ago, didn't it? But by the time that army actually got going, the Kingdom of Shu had already fallen, so the Wu General Dingfeng simply backed up and marched his men back home.


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[Assistant] Wu now found itself all alone, facing a much more powerful foe, and the Wu Emperor, Sun Xiu, knew that it was only a matter of time before Suma Zhao set his sights on the Southlands.


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[Assistant] To prepare for this inevitability, he put Lu Kang, the son of the great general Lu Xun, in charge of Jing province, to defend the mouth of the river.


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[Assistant] He also appointed the general of the left, Sun Yi, to oversee defenses at various key locations while the old general, Ding Feng, was put in charge of hundreds of camps along the river.


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[Assistant] So that's what was happening in the southeast, back in the southwest, in the southern reaches of the kingdom formerly known as Shu.


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[Assistant] He donned mourning clothes and wept facing west for three straight days.


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[Assistant] Huo Ge's officers now all told him that he should follow his lord's example and surrender quickly, but he said, while weeping, Because the roads are blocked, I don't know yet whether my lord is safe. If the lord of Wei treats him with due courtesy, then I will surrender the city.


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[Assistant] Liu Shan's face turned ashen, and he knew not what to say or do.


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[Assistant] To see what Liu Shan's fate would be, tune in to the next episode of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms podcast. Thanks for listening.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you met him. He was my co-host for that, uh, digital graffiti show.


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[Assistant] Oh shit, yes, when he started booing you.


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[Assistant] And he took a, he took a political stand there when you were anti-safe spaces.


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[Assistant] How about this weekend? You're at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. How do you feel about that?


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[Assistant] Rich, my fucking, my mom, remember that time I told you she said you were her favorite comedian? Yes. She actually, I told her you were gonna be


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[Assistant] Uh, at the Comedy Zone in Harrisburg and she told me that she wanted you to come over for dinner.


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[Assistant] To join me and my family for dinner. And I told her that was a fucking horrible idea.


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[Assistant] Look, I agree. Look, I told her this is a terrible choice.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she is. And my dad, I think my dad would fuck you up. He's a big guy.


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[Assistant] She was like, well, go ask Rich and see if he'll come over for dinner.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I, I, I understand, and, uh, your preach is a choir. I knew this was a... But even if, for some reason, even if you said, yeah, I'll be there, that would be a fucking nightmare. If you were actually there, that'd be terrible. It'd be so awkward.


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, I think, uh, you should probably get into fucking marshals by now, right?


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[Assistant] When that, when he walked back in the room, everyone was fucking sitting there. Like, nothing happened.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but, it's weird when you do it, you don't need to fucking do it.


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[Assistant] No, that's where I looked like the ultimate fucking dick rider is when he walked back there and I was like, you don't talk to him that way.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's good. I can't wait. Rich, what are we going to do this weekend? Do you want to hang out?


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[Assistant] Just come over, my mom's making her world famous green bean casserole and you can come over and we got a couch in the basement you can sleep over and you and me will have fun.


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[Assistant] You got great effects, I hope, I hope that this episode isn't too quiet.


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[Assistant] And, technically Bonnie McFarland was talking in the background, so technically...


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[Assistant] Technically the last two episodes we've had Bonnie McFarland, Dan Soder, and Rich Voss. Dude. The secret podcast continues to fucking dominate.


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[Assistant] Number one shout out of the week goes to Aaron Richards. Damn. Old dicks.


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[Assistant] Shoutout Kiwan Badowski, dude. You were overdue for a shoutout. I don't know if Ian Johnson already got one. I think he has, but fuck it.


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[Assistant] Dude, you operating on that, it took us about three hours to get this thing going. It did. I appreciate your work. It's going. I appreciate your work. It's going.


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[Assistant] He's a genuinely nice guy, that's a nice thing. And then I had to stop and I had to tell him I was just staring at your ass.


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[Assistant] She just said she's hot. When you say very attractive woman, that makes you sound like a rigid fuckin' pervert.


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[Assistant] She's hot, very attractive, I don't know. And I saw that she was a very attractive woman. You sound like fucking Trump.


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[Assistant] I'm like a reverse Kevin James character for you. Like I look like Kevin James, but I've got the swagger of Will Smith. I'm teaching you how to figure.


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[Assistant] Damn, that'd be tight. And then you and me are gonna have a dance scene down here.


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[Assistant] No, that sounds nice. You said you saw the hot lady. Yea, she was super hot. She was grabbing a fat lady's butt. Tell me about that again.


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[Assistant] Fuck dude, I swear to god I think my girlfriend just became a yoga instructor. Really? Yea, like bar. I don't know what the fuck that is, I think it's yoga.


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[Assistant] Maybe, but I'll tell you what. My girlfriend's gonna be up there in a fucking sports bra and yoga pants, doing splits in front of a bunch of fucking weirdos.


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[Assistant] You hear that, listeners? 6'3". Hot as fuck. Kinda hot, not really hot. But 6'3". He's hot. I'll fucking knock out any of you.


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[Assistant] It's banged out on a medicine ball. Not a medicine ball, one of those fucking...


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[Assistant] I rode a bike to last week and then again yesterday and my tailbone hurts so badly that like I was like I definitely have colon cancer. I can't bend down without


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[Assistant] Triceps, biceps, bicycle ride, now I can't walk. Jesus Christ. And I actually forgot I did abs on Sunday, and I thought I was sick.


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[Assistant] Alright, what else? Oh yea, yea, we should probably talk about what the fuck Voss was talking about. Do you think this podcast sucks? This podcast? I don't think so at all.


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[Assistant] You do? Yea. I'm negative today. You are being a little bitch today. I think it sucks.


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[Assistant] So Voss was here, Helium does a show where they have a secret headliner, and uh, or no, was that even it? No, he just had a weekend here.


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[Assistant] He had a weekend here and, uh, after the Thursday night show he came and did, uh,


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[Assistant] A good friend of ours show, John McKeever and Tim Butterly.


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[Assistant] John McKeever the God. And uh, he has a show called Get In.


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[Assistant] So Voss dropped in and closed that show and while he was up there, it's a small show. There's like eight fucking people in the room. It was empty. It was just comics.


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[Assistant] And Voss was just sitting up there just talking shit. Being cool. Yeah, fucking around and he was like... Yeah.


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[Assistant] He started talking about how there's no room for safe spaces in comedy, and people started clapping and then one comic started booing, just to make like a fucking point.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I don't wanna fuckin' talk shit on that comic, cause obviously...


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[Assistant] You know, we're friends with him. I'm friends with him. He's a fucking nice guy. He just fucked up. He fucked up that night.


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[Assistant] Other than that, he's usually, he's usually a very nice, cool fucking dude. Yeah. He fucked up, it's not a big deal, but it was just awkward because he was...


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[Assistant] You know, Boss is doing us a favor. Yeaah. And just dropping in and doing a shitty show that he doesn't need to do.


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[Assistant] Liberals with that fucking chick making fun of Barron Trump. Yeah, it's true. You know, just like that.


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[Assistant] Just fucking making fun of people. And, uh, that comic that I was talking about was like, he tweeted at one of the comics we named.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what the fuck he was talking about. Which is funny. Also, thanks again, Rich, for calling to the- Hell yeah. For talking to the podcast.


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[Assistant] Oh wait, before we get into the Boy Scouts, cause I think it's gonna suck if we try to talk about that. Why? Alright, give it a shot. The Boy Scouts? Yea, you just told me this headline, this is a great headline.


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[Assistant] If your 11 year old's like, I'm a girl, and you're like, yeah you are a girl.


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[Assistant] There's no way, yeah, that's exactly what they want. There's no normal parent that's like, hey man, I gotta talk to you. My little girl thinks she's a boy. Can she go? No, it's a parent that's like, I demand


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[Assistant] And then they contact the news. Yeah, they don't just, Fox News doesn't just find out about it.


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[Assistant] Every single person at West Point was an Eagle Scout. Ugh. Every dude in there was a fucking Eagle Scout. They're all tying knots and shit. Fuck that. What a fucking...


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[Assistant] Boy Scouts are gay. They've always been, now they're gayer. But if you have a daughter that wants to be a boy and she's nine... Yea? You can, you can do that.


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[Assistant] Again, what? You gotta give a kid time before they decide if they're trans.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's see what happens when all of a sudden you start craving dick. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Unless you just want to be a gay boy. Yeaah. You're a woman who wants to be a gay boy, which I think happens quite a bit.


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[Assistant] No, I don't know, there was that one, uh, hot little girl that I saw that used to be a boy. What? I don't know, he probably still has a dong arm, but.


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[Assistant] There's like a little hot girl. How old? Fuckin' 12.


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[Assistant] I just googled trans kid, let's see what comes up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but she's the fucking queen dude. The hottest? He's, yes, queen.


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[Assistant] This one's jazz. Jazz is a fucking hot kid. God dammit, dude. Jazz had her own show. What was it called? I don't know, something jazz. Jazz Jennings.


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[Assistant] I would fucking- Like let me suck your dick. No, dude. Why? I'd break out the belt and I'd not-


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[Assistant] Look, do me a favor, uh, listener. Google trans kid jazz. Like, like the Utah basketball team. Smoke show. Smoke show, dude. She's like a hot 15 year old girl. Dude, wanna know something fucked up?


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[Assistant] You don't know, it's not like I remembered. You don't? Compared to regular, normal adult sex. Alright, I'm just saying.


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[Assistant] Good Christ. Let's probably end it. That's long enough, right? How long was this thing? Yeah, we're at 37 minutes. Plus that 15 minute... That fucking...


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[Assistant] Alright, so yeaah, let's end it. Uhm, do you wanna, yeaah, I think we should probably leave it. Good call, yeaah. See if we fucking still have a podcast next week after you get fucking arrested.


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[Assistant] Oh, I will say, I was like, you remember whenever, did you ever get this block, uh, pop-up when you were looking at porn that was like,


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[Assistant] The FBI is investing you, investigating you for child porn. Really? I never got that one. That's a pop-up, and it's the scariest fucking thing ever. What? I was in Spain when it happened to me.


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[Assistant] It's like wait, before you come, before you jerk off, try this game.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's get out of this cast. Hey, if any of you listeners are from Central PA, come to the Harrisburg Comedy Zone this weekend, Friday and Saturday, to see THE rich boss. And your boy, Shane.


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[Assistant] It's gonna be fucking lit. Mom, you can't come.


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[Assistant] Alright, sorry, we're back. Little bonus track. Right before, right after we turn this off, Matt explained a theory that I think needs to be documented when he finally fingers a kid. Go ahead, Matt. No, this, this is...


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[Assistant] Yeah. Let's go on. Anyway, episode 22, dude. Double fucking deuce. Who would've thought? Nobody. I didn't think we had it in us.


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[Assistant] There could be a Slim Jim commercial of two fucking losers sitting on a couch.


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[Assistant] Actually I think there's a Mountain Dew commercial that is pretty much us.


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[Assistant] They thought this is what you liked. Like what are the kids like these days? I don't know, protesting and saying, holding up a sign that says love.


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[Assistant] Actually, Saturday Night Live did a sketch on it. The guy who wrote it. It's actually really funny.


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[Assistant] That hot Asian dude playing the fucking cello, there's no way he's protesting. No. He's an actor.


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[Assistant] There's one scene where the, there's one cutscene of her face with like sparks and fire flying. It's so powerful.


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[Assistant] He is as close to out of it as possible. It's true. But his generation, dude, they are the chosen.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's funny. I was, I did that show, I did a show in Reading and it was all old people and I was like, trying to tell them about, like when I go to Central PA and do these shows,


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[Assistant] I have to explain to them like, woke and all this vernacular that all just like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] It actually is hilarious to be like, yeah, and then I moved here and I have to learn all these and pretend like everyday somebody tells me a new thing and I'm just like, yes, alright, perfect.


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[Assistant] I was like, that just means you're aware of these words that I'm telling you.


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[Assistant] You forgot your fucking ticket? To the concert or the train?


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[Assistant] Can you believe what Trump's doing? It sucks that they're making me like Donald Trump. Donald Trump's garbage. He sucks. He is a fucking loser. And they have made me happy that he won.


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[Assistant] They're not right to cry, but you're definitely right to be like, if they understood the context of like how detrimental that could be.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Of him being the president, but they were just like, he's gonna get rid of black people. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] They have like their fucking three year old with them and they're holding up a sign that's like, my pussy.


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[Assistant] My pussy is powerful. Like maybe you shouldn't say pussy in front of a kid.


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[Assistant] Are you gonna raise a little Donald? Little Donald is gonna come up and be like, pussy's fun.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you're holding up a sign like that, first off, nobody's grabbing your pussy. Yeah, that's true. Except some Pepsi commercial kid.


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[Assistant] But, but we're gentlemen and we recognize that that's not the proper vernacular to describe it.


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[Assistant] I saw, I went down to Drexel to get my daily ice coffee, where I sit in a coffee house and I think of my art.


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[Assistant] And uh, across the street on the campus mall, what do you call that? The, the quad. The quad technically. Yea, yea, yea. The quad was some Westboro Baptist style Christians. Good God. Holding up signs about like, you're going to go to hell if you're a sinner. And like, on the one lady shirt said, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, what the fuck, my ants going nuts. They, uh, they had a black eye on the mic.


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[Assistant] That's so fucking funny. And they just, then when I was leaving the guy was, he had a good, he had some good lyrics.


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[Assistant] He was like, yeah, well, I got news for all you drinkers. There's no drinks in hell. You're not gonna be boozing in hell.


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[Assistant] And all you've, he's like, there's no closets in hell either, so you can't hide in there, faggots.


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[Assistant] Fuck. Right across from 7-Eleven, dude, just boomin'. Good God. Yeah, he's fired up.


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[Assistant] That's so funny dude. It's just a fucking fishing lure for retards. You just drop that thing in there and it gets surrounded by dumb fucks with their phones out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, everybody's happy. Everybody's a victim. Those guys get to go down there and yell faggot. And then all the college kids get to be like, this is...


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[Assistant] Yeah, but instead people try to combat it like, is this what you think Jesus would do? I'm like, clearly not.


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[Assistant] I don't know. But yea, go get a Pepsi. Hand it to those boys. That'd be so funny. They'll stop.


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[Assistant] I wonder if that has ever worked for them. Like if they've ever seen somebody walking by like, hell yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they had the big signs. They had the fuckin' faggot signs and the... Good God. Yeah. It was good stuff.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's a fucking, that's a weird bunch.


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[Assistant] That's, that's a sad, weird bunch. It's just dumb, dumb guys together. Yeah. And they, they believe they're right. So.


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[Assistant] He's on Comedy Central and he opens his set and he's like, yo, who's the most powerful groups in the world? Gays and Jews. And everyone laughs. It's like, holy fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be up there like, you know the two powerful groups? Gays and Jews.


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[Assistant] It's just great if you break down his premise to just be like...


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[Assistant] That was, that was a different night from, cause I was there for that.


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[Assistant] He had a premise that it's weird that you can fuck a 16 year old.


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[Assistant] That's the question. That's what I have to ask myself. Like if you are who you surround yourself with. I know. And we surround ourselves with some fucking idiots.


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[Assistant] You're around the fuckin' dregs of society.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't get that. Even if you get on Facebook now, that's everybody's joke is like.


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[Assistant] It's a video of like a kid falling and it's like me getting through the week.


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[Assistant] Don't post about it on Facebook, you fucking dork. Obviously you like it if you're bragging about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I do need Facebook, like retweet this, like, share a comment. Yeah, that is funny to me. Oh boy. So what do you got? You got anything cool coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like they made a, it's in a basement, so that's cool, it's a good setting, but like, it's big, and uh,


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[Assistant] They got like donations for everything. So it's all like a mishmash of chairs and shit and couches.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool setting. And then, uh, yeah, I did it, did the inaugural show. It's tight. Is that how you say that? Inaugural?


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[Assistant] Wouldn't that be annual? Inaugurals first. Inaugurals just first. I don't know why I'm questioning myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was a good show, and uh, it was really fun, everybody was on board with everything. And then midway through my show, these two fucking college students, a gay kid and a gay Asian lady. Oh, genderqueer? Oh, she was queer, yes, I apologize. Thank you.


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[Assistant] I'll try. Noted. And then while they were, they just wouldn't shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] And I was like, alright guys, like I get it, sorry. It's not for everybody. You don't have to be here, I don't care, like you can leave.


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[Assistant] I recognize that it's racist. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Making fun of people that are racist? I don't know. I don't know how to describe it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, I felt racist. It wasn't good.


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[Assistant] I would. Watch OJ on Netflix, dude. Tell me how you feel.


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[Assistant] Getting raped by a, like a fucking crazy, like rape terrorist joke. They didn't say shit.


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[Assistant] It's not funny. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's what they're like, try to be funny.


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[Assistant] And which was crazy because everybody was laughing. Like it was a good show. I get it if I was bombing.


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[Assistant] And some guy tweeted me, hold on, I gotta redo this. I did a show for the trailer park boys. And, uh.


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[Assistant] Some random fuck at this show. This show was horrific. You said it was 500 people standing in a hot room. It was like 500-600 people just packed in this room standing. It was a concert venue. So I'm on this rock stage, like a tall...


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[Assistant] Oh man, he tweeted yesterday, these pretzels are making me thirsty.


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[Assistant] Nah, he was right though, I did get a little racist. I also said faggots on stage.


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[Assistant] I was really afraid someone was going to film that set because it was terrible.


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[Assistant] Someday you're going to be my age and a thousand fucking retards are going to be trying to peer pressure you. You gotta stand your ground, dude. You gotta fucking stand your ground like George Zimmerman. No! Sounds like a thousand Trayvons are going to be yelling at you. Dude, this kid was just like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, the kid had no idea. The dad who was holding him was like, Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] No, the end was me saying, can I please get the fuck out of here. Oh my god. And then finally, then being like five more minutes. So I did five minutes of me just being like, I saw how dumb all of you are. Good god. You guys suck.


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[Assistant] They're just savages. Yeah, they were truly a dumb group of-


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[Assistant] But it was just a fucking concert venue where they did not want to see any stand up. They just wanted to see, they just wanted to take a Facebook picture. Yea, with Randy.


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[Assistant] Like I, like I'm like, hey, please be quiet and listen and try to think. Fuck you! Yeah, it's not gonna work.


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[Assistant] There was a ton of props on stage. Were there? So the trailer park boys did. That's pretty funny. And I keep saying the trailer park, it was Leahy and Randy from that. Yea, there was two of them. It was two side characters from a Canadian comedy show. They sold out Lancaster.


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[Assistant] I just, I couldn't believe it. That's crazy. They've been standing in line in the rain for like two hours to get in there. Fuck man. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's insane. And when I saw them, I was like, this will go well. They're all seem fun. Yeah. And then I got, I saw the venue. I walked in, I saw there were no chairs. I was like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toughed it out. Let's take a break. Let's figure out something cool to say and then we'll close it out.


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[Assistant] I was taking a piss just now and I remembered what I, I stayed up till like 3am watching a bunch of Vice.


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[Assistant] It's just fucking, well first of all, it's like the most depressing show ever. Yeah. Like anything they have on climate change, I'm just like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. The world's done dude. It's bad. And uh, but they also were like, they just sent this hot chick to Syria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, about how terrible the government was in Syria. Okay, yeaah. How like, they're committing atrocities and stuff. That was just now. It was like a week before Trump bombed that air base. And now all the, like, it was funny to see them be like, this week on vice.


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[Assistant] Like this, the Assad regime in Syria is horrible.


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[Assistant] Assad, yeaah, yeaah. He's doing horrible things. I mean, there's a civil war in the country and he's bombing his own cities that the rebels control.


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[Assistant] So like he used a chemical attack on his own people. Good God. Yeah.


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[Assistant] We blew up an airbase to try to be like, alright, next time.


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[Assistant] And I don't know if there were any casualties. I think we just destroyed the, like, the airfield.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I don't know. And that's the government Russia is backing. Yeah, Russia's like knocking the fuck off. Yeah, and Russia's like don't blow that up. Yeah. It's bad.


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[Assistant] But the Pepsi commercial kids are torn on it, dude.


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[Assistant] It's like, who's doing what? I don't know, Trump. Nooo.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she speaks her language dude, for sure. She's a hot, uh, correspondent. Can I send her over there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hot chicks and nerdy fucking white nerdy white guys or nerdy Indian dudes.


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[Assistant] I always tell Mackey he looks like a vice reporter. Mackey would fucking flourish with them. They should hire him. Dude, he would do well. He'd be great. He's got that hand motion. Yeah. He'd be good. He'd be like, well actually, like, it's really bad, so. Oh god.


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[Assistant] Well that wasn't as funny as I imagined it could be, but you were telling me about that.


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[Assistant] Say Patty's day story you had. Oh, when I got arrested? Fucking hilarious, yea.


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[Assistant] Dude trying to deadweight and fucking be like, it's gonna be, him getting dragged out would be the funniest thing I've ever seen.


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[Assistant] This douchey fucking weed pipe. And he's like, do you have anything in there? Matt's like, nope, there is nothing in there. He blew out the weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this guy's fucking giving us bullshit. And I was just laughing. And Matt kept being like, shut up, dude.


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[Assistant] You would've fucking, you would've been in that holding cell again, dude. Fuck the ju-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Well. Fucking God. That's some good stuff this week. Yeah, we're at 48. I think we're, we're finally forming into our true alt-right, alt-right selves, dude. We're breaking out of this cocoon and into our. I'm just a fucking truth teller, dude. Fucking Kekistani. Kekistani butterfly, dude. You are Kekistani. Oh my. Well, thank you guys so much for listening.


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[Assistant] Steve-o, Steve-o is hosting, or is headlining that weekend.


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[Assistant] Might, might be able to get old Steve-O to stick around and host. Ooh, that'd be fun. Yeah, see if he can.


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[Assistant] I have a weekend of black shows, so none of our listeners will do that.


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[Assistant] Unless you guys wanna fuckin' grow up here and come down to the fuckin' real world.


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[Assistant] While I was talking to the gay dude and the Asian woman who


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[Assistant] I got an alert while I was talking to them on my phone, I got an alert from Ken Jones that tagged me in the flyer for this Friday. And I was like, look how fucking racist I am. And it's just my dumb white face.


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[Assistant] It's funny, I just got an email from my girlfriend about


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[Assistant] She kept, I guess, the emails from when we first met. Oh, she did that. From, cause I sold her a car, so it's like, forwarding back and forth, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Financing and all that and then I invited her to come to a comedy show. She sent you those emails? Well she was like, we met four years ago today.


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[Assistant] Or, Thursday. And, uh, it's funny because at the end of it I invite her to come see me open for Louie Anderson.


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[Assistant] And then I got there and he was like, no profanity. I was like, ah fuck.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Damn, that sucks. Then he told me he jerked off to me. What?


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[Assistant] Right before I went on stage, right before I went on the last show, he was like, I want you to know I jerked off tea last night in the hotel room. And we hadn't talked the whole weekend. I was like, cool man. He was like, good luck. I was like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe. I also heard he's actually hilarious.


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[Assistant] There's, there's two sides to every fucking dude. Yeaah. And the fucking, the side of him talking to chicks is just so gay.


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[Assistant] That's how every kid does it. Yeah. Get in the shower. I remember, I used to like, I used to think I was getting away with it and I would tell my parents to be like, I vividly remember telling my mom like, in like 7th or 8th grade, it's been a long day, I think I'm just gonna take a long shower.


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[Assistant] I had a friend, uh, I think we were like freshmen in high school, and I called his house,


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[Assistant] And, uh, when I called his house, they were like, oh, he's in the shower. And at first I just remembered that. Because when I called, he never showered, he always smelled bad. So it stuck with me. When I called him earlier that day, he was in the shower. And then he got to my house, and right when he got to my house, he was like, you mind if I get in the shower?


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[Assistant] That's the best, dude. If you ever get to catch anyone jerking off, you give it a second. Oh yeaah. And then go, whee!


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[Assistant] And he was jerking off the whole time. He kept taking those hour long showers. Yeaah. You know.


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[Assistant] Stop jerking off in the chat, like I knew he was, and he was like, I'm not doing that. And I was like, yea you are. He was like, no I'm not, stop.


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[Assistant] So then finally the last day we were there, he was taking one, I was like, alright, I'm gonna get him.


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[Assistant] On the other side of the bathroom, and I opened that real slow, and he was in the back of it, sitting on a fucking trunk, naked.


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[Assistant] I'm lying with his dick. And he didn't see me so I stood there and I was just like...


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[Assistant] Oh man, I think my friends, we were pretty open about it. Jerking off? Yea, you'd just be like, ah, I'm gonna jerk off.


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[Assistant] It's funny that he said I need to shower when he got to my house.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Don't tell anyone, just go up to the bathroom.


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[Assistant] We used to, we used to go on the free webcam sites and make the ladies say my one friend's dad's name.


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[Assistant] Yeah, didn't you, uh, you had a porn problem, didn't you?


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[Assistant] I remember there was like an MTV True Life of like, I'm addicted to porn. Yeah. And dudes would just sit there for like three hours a day watching porn.


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[Assistant] It's weird to be eating cereal and watching porn.


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[Assistant] If I, if I'm not, you know, jerking off to it, porn by itself is pretty fucking weird.


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[Assistant] You know, if I'm not going after it, I'm just thinking about like the lady and her life. How shitty the dude probably is. How shitty both those people probably are.


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[Assistant] Whatever I deserve right now. Is that something you need to go with? That's my new thing. You're only fucking chubby chicks. Just chicks I deserve. What do you mean by chicks you deserve?


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[Assistant] Jeez, man. I would love to see those fucking Tinder dates. Dude. I'm only looking for a lover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a guy who hates Asians, you sure do have a strong ties to Asia and Eastern practices.


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[Assistant] Alright. I was listening to uh, this just reminds me of


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[Assistant] I thought he was, cause whenever he's talking about shit I don't understand, I'm like, alright, he probably knows what he's talking about.


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[Assistant] But every once in a while they'll say something that I know the answer to and I'm just like, you fucking idiot.


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[Assistant] That'd be sick. Ah, you're pretty close. Ah, nevermind. What? It was 400 BC. Okay. It was composed between 400 and 200 AD. 400 BC and 200 AD. So it took 600 years. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Fuck yea, man. This is really cool that you're letting the listeners in on that. That's what I do.


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[Assistant] I was listening to one of him and Tony Hinchcliffe and first off he was calling him Freddy Roosevelt.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, whatever the guy's name was, uh, the president, Freddy, Freddy Roosevelt, right?


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[Assistant] And then, he was wondering why countries have weird names.


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[Assistant] He was like, why do they call, like, the country of Yugoslavia? Why is it called Yugoslavia? And I'm just like, alright, well that's not a fucking country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was one episode where he had, uh, Sam Harrison, the guy that- The atheist? Yea, the guy who's like, who's apparently, he is very smart, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what O'Connor loves? Shelfani. O'Connor likes him because Sam Harris shits on Islam. O'Connor just started reciting it. But, uh, at one point they were like, when, when was Abraham Lincoln president?


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[Assistant] And neither one knew. They were both like, I don't know, like early 1800s?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's one you should know. Yeah. That's easy, cause it's Civil War. Civil War, 1863-ish. Easy. Fuck yeah dude, 1863. Hell yeah baby. That's Gettysburg.


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[Assistant] I was very close to the battlefield. You could feel it dude. I could feel it calling to me again.


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[Assistant] What are those brothers? Sarnov? Is that what their last names were? The brothers that did the bossing.


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[Assistant] Man, what a fucking dickhead that guy is for that. Dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's weird. It's just like Wolberg saying if he was on one of the planes in 9-11, he would have stopped it.


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[Assistant] I believe them on that one. They didn't know they were going to crash into a building.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's what happened on Flight 93. It was when they found out that they were crashing the planes. Yeah, they were like, I will fuck these. They were like, I will fuck these guys. Yeah. That's what did happen. Somebody did wall-break them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean either that or one of the hijackers just crashed it.


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[Assistant] Yea, I don't think. Jesus Christ. I think there was probably a lot of screaming.


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[Assistant] If you knew they were going to crash the plane, you'd be like, fuck these guys, I'm not just going to let them.


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[Assistant] Crash it. And it's just some fucking scrawny fucking dickhead with a box cutter. Don't get me wrong, that would fucking hurt.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I think it would be very, very difficult to land it. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I forgot to have a nice shoutout to Wolfpack from the mainboard. Damn, it's been a long time listening to it. Never got a shoutout. Let's just stop Wolfpack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one guy on the main board was telling me his mom was a fucking yoga instructor. He was upset with her. He was like, I don't think she ever got... ...oogled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, I was like, I bet she did, dude. She definitely did. People were staring at that fat old ass your mom's got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, uh, I don't know, I start at Punchline on Thursday. Hell yea. It's gonna be at Punchline, Philly. For the mad dog. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Damn. It'll be wild. That's tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it'll be good. Yeah, it's nice to have fucking something to do. Exactly.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, I had a guy come to the comedy zone this weekend because he heard me on Bennington.


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[Assistant] This one, it was nice because I forget how shitty central PA is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like I really do, like from living here and then you go home and it's like, oh my god. Yeah. They really are fucking complete dickheads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, like rural crowds like that, they don't know how to act in a, in a club at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Writing poetry, yeah. But like, I was just getting a coffee to go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I forgot. I forgot how shitty they were, and it was funny because I kept saying it on, like, it's just funny, like, around here everyone was like, Hillary's definitely gonna win. That room I was in could not have been more pro-Trump. They were fucking hyped for Trump.


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[Assistant] What do you think, the white guys were fuckin', do you think the white guys were just gonna pack it in? Do you think they were gonna fuckin' not fuckin' vote? The only people that voted were the fuckin' Comedy Zone crowds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, well it was Lebanon county. There was only one county left in PA, and they were like, could it be, could it be Hillary or Trump? And I was like, it's definitely Trump. It's Lebanon county, they literally, they have horses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's funny too to be like, Philly's this liberal ass city. It's really not that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there is a fucking million white trash here. Oh yea. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time, it was so funny. The woo is the fucking best, man.


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[Assistant] I'll never forget how happy I was when Trump got elected and we were at that mic.


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[Assistant] No, the movie is, uh, black women are the smartest and a bunch of white dudes try to stop them from being smart. Yeah. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what was she? She was like a great mathematician with physics. She helped figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there's a scene in the movie where apparently she has to walk like a mile and a half to go somewhere else to use the bathroom because she can't. And then I looked it up and that's totally untrue. NASA did not have whites only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the only thing that's true about that is before the launch he did request that she looks at it. But it wasn't like, day of, like it is in the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these are all fucking scientists and physics and all these fucking guys, like you think they're gonna be like...


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[Assistant] The one he just came out with, Tarantino. I didn't see it. It's good, it's really good, but they said the n-word every other fucking word. I know dude. Like constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and then if you look it up, it's like they didn't. Really? No, they were, they didn't do that. Like historically they didn't say the n-word to every other fucking word. Really? And it's just a weird, I mean, he's not trying to be historically accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also, I don't think there's any historical documentation of Mandingo fighting. You know in Django when they had the two black dudes fight to the death?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, I don't think there's any records of that. Huh. So it's kinda like, yea white guys are evil. Yea, I can see us doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's a weird thing where a lot of those guys, like, oddly enough, treated them well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not well. Not well. Not well. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. It's not, what I'm saying is it's not like this, fucking like, we're gonna fucking kill him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean don't get me wrong, that happened, but not to the level of like, every fucking Hollywood movie is like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we need her to walk to the fuckin' whites only or colored only bathroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they didn't hide her. She was, it's all documented, what she did. That's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a fucking wing at NASA named after. Like it wasn't like this big fucking... We can't let them know we have blacks doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's been around since like fucking the movie Glory. Like it's been a long Hollywood


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's funny too because that's how the outside world...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you mean like other countries can't talk shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, but now the, yeaah. I think it's at a crescendo though. I think it's at the highest. It's peaking dude. Cause there's a new uh, show called Superior Donuts. Did you see that? No. It's a comedy on uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] CBS, it's Jermaine Fowler, he's a comic, he's funny, but uh, one of the, it's just terrible, hacky fucking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two Broke Girls level comedy of like, race though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like an old Jewish guy runs a donut shop and a black dude comes in and he's like, I'mma work for you pops. And he's like, I don't like it. And he's like, you don't like anything, you're just an old man. And he's like, alright, you can stick around kid. And there's uh, there's cops that come in, there's one cop, there's a lady cop comes in and one of the clips is she's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the black dude turns his back and like adjusts something and he's like, see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I trust you, I just turned my back on a Chicago police officer and she's like, I'm not gonna shoot you. I have my body cam on so I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, holy fuck. Jesus Christ, man. You're just gonna air that joke on CBS? That's tough, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the last thing we need is to get fired off about race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was an old white man telling us what to do. Old white men do tell us what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's an odd fucking thing, cause if you don't, I don't know, it's weird. Yeah. It's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, should the federal government pay for people's abortions, is the argument. I think they should, but I get why people say they shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll invest in copper I guess. And this is where they really get you because then after we do the abortion we sell the dead baby parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell baby. Hot cast dude. Yea it is. Something for you guys to think about. We took on race and abortion at the end there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally we said what needed to be said. Two, two white dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caring all the world's ills. Exactly, dude. Just white-splaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, I, I, I'm totally for Planned Parenthood. Not totally, totally strong, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it took like 10 minutes of research to be like, oh, I see the point. There are some fucking issues here. Like they all, they claimed their like prenatal care. Yeah. And then they don't offer that. Like it was, there's weird stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know man, I don't know what I'd do in that situation. What if one of the fucking Tinder moon faces caught one? I would be alright with a big head. Big head having a kid? I already have a big head so we'd have like a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. Come on. You're thick. Fucking John, dude. That's true, dude. You're real thick. You're fast, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that a shiver or what is that? It's a fucking whew. It's a fucking, it's electricity flowing through me dude. It's power. You can feel it. What's that? What's that in your hand dude? It's a sightie dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good job at NASA. What are you talking about? I'm working at NASA. Since when? Now. I'm sick of math, dude, they fucking wanted me. How'd they find you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty bad. Being liberal. Yea, we're liberal as fuck. Actually, my, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, this is actually, this might send a shockwave through the shatheads. My dad got back his, uh, genetics test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm gonna get mine done too. My dad's 1% Jew. What? My dad's 1% Jew on this test, I swear to god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you man, I wanna get tested to see if I have it too. It might be recessive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like being gay. I think some people are just born Jewish. Doesn't matter if you're Irish or fucking German. You're just born Jewish to have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, dude, that would explain my fucking allowance, dude. My allowance was pitiful.


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[Assistant] I don't know how that works. I've asked you which people I know, I'm like how the fuck, they're like, I don't know, you just go through your synagogue. We gotta join the GOG. I'm not joining the GOG.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can't. You're not 1% Jewish, dude. I'm like 0.025% Jewish, dude. I'm gonna get up in there. You're a lot. I'm basically Drake. Drake's like 1% Jewish. Drake's half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like when we were in Wawa that one time and it was just drunk fucking shitty finance guys. Remember the dude was stuffing Doritos down his face? He had Doritos all over his face and he looked at me and Shane and he was like, this is the only way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whole Foods Hot Bar, baby. Nice. Whole Foods Hot Bar. Fill it up, fill it up, and get on out of there, dude. That's sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one questions you, dude. I'm gonna eventually get fucking nabbed in there. That'd be sick if that's how I went out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said clap back. She's like a SJW like, checking privilege. She basically checks privilege for a living. Someone checked her privilege for saying clap back, saying she's a appropriating culture. So she wrote a thing being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you can't, you're stealing, you're not respecting where that comes from. It comes from a fucking horrible place. Yeah. It's fucking sick too to say like you're shooting back at someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mushbrains, bro. They go wherever the wind blows and they're like, oh yeaah, that's a good point, oh yeaah, that's a good point. Dude. Fucking sheeple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like dude, what the fuck? Are we nuts? Oh my god. Dude, that's the same thing I was talking about with Heineken. So now we're looking to like, we're looking to like beer commercials and like soda to like show us the way. It's like Pepsi dropped the ball on their social commentary. Check out Heineken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, two fat black chicks wrote those jokes for her, guaranteed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all about this dude. My Facebook now is just like all I want to do is ask POCs questions dude. I love POCs. I love asking their dialogue dude and being like yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to, dude, that was like, that's been like the theme. I'm glancing at Facebook and it's like, well, don't you think we should get the viewpoint of maybe a person of color on this? And then they just like come all over themselves and bow out. It's like, ew, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about you just offer your fucking opinion? It was literally all that, like, it's disgusting, these gross fucking white men think they know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the picture of the fucking people who got elected through a crooked democratic process. Hello. Wake the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the mental portion of like taking a picture of your legs at a beach. Interesting. Yea, it's the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how good you feel for the whole day after you post a thing requesting like, like, I just want POCs. They probably do that and they're just like, yes. All the rest of the day, dude, they're probably just like, I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I located the fucking, uh, I located the quandary that was plaguing Facebook the other day. And I'll read it pretty long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Wives go to fucking work, come home and fucking- Have good bays. Yeah. They're not like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they're different somehow. Yeah, well no, they're POC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well why would you differentiate? That's why.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's fucking, first of all, it's fucking racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Question for my black and POC friends, if you feel like indulging me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't think of many things in my regular vocab that I picked up from friends and media created by black folks. The person offered an article that had-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it might be in typo. And B, I can think of many things in my regular vocab that I picked up from friends and media created. Okay, so I'm sorry. I misspoke. B, and I can think of many things in my regular vocab that I picked up from friends and media created by black folks. The person offered an article that is very clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] AAVE perspective. I don't know what the fuck that is. Had a very clear AAVE is for black people only perspective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the comments section included a variety of perspectives on whether this view is A, back to A again, is A an important piece of white people checking privilege, or B a step backwards in shaping common language as part of inclusion as opposed to tokenism,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I understand the appropriation in general, parenthesis again, using something that is meaningful to a marginalized culture without having a deeper understanding of its origins and reference for its significance, but I'm super confused on how this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm super confused with how this works and phrases that have become mainstream. Your time and bandwidth are appreciated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just wrote clap back. And now she needs a paragraph of a disclaimer about like, the cultural significance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's how, that's what I'm saying. When people are like, what are you even worried about? I'm like, dude, the fact that you need a disclaimer for 10 minutes about saying, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clap back. Clap back. Say it. It's about shooting someone back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm fucking worried about, dude. That my kids are gonna send me to school and be like, uh, I said, uh, make it rain. It's like, oh yeaah, you're not allowed to say that. That's an important part of culture, fucking throwing money at naked women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Normal people don't give a fuck. They're like, someone's like, clap back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, it's the beginnings. It's a very archaic form of rock and roll. And then there was dudes who put on tight pants and fucking like, like there wasn't five black dudes playing Stairway to Heaven, dude. It just wasn't. They were like, Led Zeppelin stole that, dude. They did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, isn't that Robert Johnson shit, man? That, I, it's like, it's fucking sick, dude. And also, it's like, you're taking the blues pentatonic scale, which existed before any of us were even here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a minor scale dude, it's like no one invented that, that was a fucking scale in music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, white people stole that. I mean, blues are sick, like that's fuckin' shout out, you made that up, that's awesome. And then it was like, alright, blues are sick, check this out dude, Jimmy Page double guitar shred, and it's like, alright, that's fuckin' way different, that's a totally different thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm fucking crushing it career-wise. I have one fucking stoner realtor that's always like, yo, that's sick, dude, you're the man. You know what would be really funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not the alcohol, it's the fucking sugar, dude. I think I have diabetes right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guac you can do, when people get, eh, first of all, when people just get sour cream in their fucking burrito bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, dude. St. Michael came to me and I was like, I love pussy, and he's like, good boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sure? Are you sure it was Saint Michael?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the Jewish one of his family. One of my brothers might be Jewish. It skips, it's recessive. I gotta go get a physical and see if I'm Jewish, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially to be like, especially when you're paying for guac, you're paying fucking two dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I maximize. When I go to Chipotle, I am like a Native American dude. You get those three shells. I get everything I can possibly get out of them for free. So you go to Chipotle, you order your food. First of all, it's like you totally fucking shit on them. If they don't give you enough rice, it's like, yo, hook up, they'll always give you more rice. They'll always give you more. Without saying, give me extra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me more chicken. Give me chicken, gay black guy Chipotle. Yea dude, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rice, right away, be like, can I get a little more rice? Dude, rice, no problem. They hit you with a chicken, it's like, ooh man, uh, let me get a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you can ask for double chicken, sometimes there's a communication breakdown, and they just, by the end of it, they just totally forget they gave you double.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or my most, the worst thing I ever did is I asked for guac and they put the lid on and the fucking cashier was fucking off. So there's no cashier for like three minutes. Licked the old thumb, wiped their coating off. So I wiped off the extra chicken, wiped off the G, plain bowl. Jesus Christ, you are a Jew. Wow dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I know how to maximize a Chipotle. Right away, I always get three hardshells too, so I get a bowl, then I put all my beef in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there is, there is an unacceptable amount of chicken coming down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kinda do, like, spend all my money. Yeah, fuck, you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were pulling some bullshit where they were only giving two for a while. And I raised up against it. I was like, dude, how much is an extra one? I'll fucking give you an extra dollar. Give me it. Never charge it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you ask for shells, now you get a bowl, mix your guac and your bowl up, you know, or sour cream if you're gay, and then you make four tacos and it's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best is when bays figure out I have an air mattress. It takes a minute because it's so high up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to get the pussy back to home of Stacey's dude. I gotta play like a G chord and be like, alright, we're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he has a... I have an air mattress, bro. But I don't have an air mattress, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must do to be hilarious if I throw up. Anyway, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude. I went to fucking the Jane Gee's. What's that? It's a dim someplace. Chinese food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I went, I go to the place in, uh, University City Avenue. Oh, okay. Or 39th and Chestnut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little fuckin' Yeah, they're the best. Perfect portions, dude. Yeah. Little fuckin' small bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. She's got an AK-47 and a necklace of ears. How fucking dare you, dude. She fights for the United States Army. She does, I apologize. Oh my gosh, I dress you the fuck down. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, she literally was just flaming this big Chinese dude in that restaurant last night. And it was fully like, this guy was like literally six foot three, Chinese dude. And she was like, I did not know they were that big. And I'm just sitting there like, dude, you have to chill. And I'm like laughing, because dude, what the fuck can you say to her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have, they, but they, they, like, they live in the fucking real world where it's like, They can be like, yo, I sell 100 Chinese dudes, that guy's fucking huge, that's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This guy was a fucking dude. It was like this dude was taller than you and probably had like 40 pounds on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, dude, that's fucking, that was a sick fucking date. There was literally a couple next to her just being like, Jesus fucking Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck is this guy? Oh, that's so fucking funny. Yea, well. That's such a funny fucking Texas as the one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back when I was, if anyone, any of those fucking dogs in Savannah were married, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why like, girls will do a thing where they like, kinda give you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four seconds of a blowjob in the morning, then stop. I'm like, alright, let's go do this stuff. And you're just like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get home and instantly I'm like, alright, let's hit the sheets, time for fucking sex. And like, I don't feel like it. I'm a little tired. That happened to me so many times that eventually I thought it would be a good lesson to teach my babe dude, my ex-babe. I was like, look, we got back. I'm like, you know what I feel like doing tonight? I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch. I thought this would work. I was like, let's go like, let's just get like dressed up off- Shut the fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm not. Listen to this fucking tale, dude. Fucking heed caution. So I'm like, let's just get dressed up, throw on some nice clothes. Stop saying that. Hit a restaurant, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So dude, my ex is fucking throwing on a dress, getting all the makeup up and everything. Like, where do you wanna go? And dude, I'm chilling in bed like, I'll get dressed in a second. I let her get all dressed up and excited. And I was like, ah, I really don't feel like going out to eat tonight. Didn't talk to me for like four days, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it would make sense to her and dude that was not the lesson to be learned. You think a fucking woman's gonna understand that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like going out and eating stupid expensive food? I like fucking getting ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's something I want to hear. Think you want to hear about that fucking Jason from work? You talk about him a lot, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some lady freaked out of Shane on the show. She got crushed. She got fucking murdered. What are they gonna do, dude? Nobody can stop us. Dude, it's the fucking sh- you can't stop the truth. That's all it is. That's it. It's the fucking shimmering truth. We are the fucking beacon of light. Wow, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's funny because there's no, it's like, there's not even a joke, it's just like, I'm actually right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and there's also, there's also times, this has happened to me, where I was at the, I was at a bus stop, and I think I might have even talked about this, but there's this chick with like, in Brooklyn, she had like blue hair, and it was freezing cold, and she like was talking to herself, she's like, god it's fucking freezing, and I was like, yea I know. She looked at me, and was like, ugh, and I looked away, and I was like, I thought you were fucking talking to me, I don't wanna talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just, I was hosting, when I was hosting Philly's Funniest, I was just out of time, killing time, and I was like, started talking about gender fluidity, and I was like explaining, cause I kept going back to them, like, you guys are like, you know, the feminists are here, I'm like, explain, I was like, I'm gonna explain it to you, and you guys tell me if I'm wrong, and I started like, talking about like, just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was literally, my friend called me from jail, and I, you know, he's been, he checked out in Obama, Obama era, first term, this dude was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, there's such thing as male feminists now, and he's like, what's that? And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're purely like, we look at their boobs and their butts and their feet. That's literally, that's how we see them. And if a chick, the bigger their boobs and the smaller the feet, the more, uh, estrogen they have. So we're made to fucking look at chicks and objectify them. That's how our brains work. If you're like, I don't objectify what you're a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went through, it was funny because I went through that and I was like that in grade school. I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bigger in grade school. It's like tall, fast, I can move around and stuff. So I was playing like every position. I was playing, uhm, you know, like offense, defense, all special teams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's fucking sick, he talks shit. I talked so much shit when I played football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. Damn dude, that reminds me when I did, uh, when I was in high school, I hated my gym teacher. You had to do the presidential fitness test and I purposely got zeros on everything. I got zero push ups, zero pull ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did any of them, probably, did any of them say anything about the Snuggie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Don't do it. That's, I think that's kinda how it works, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that would be so fucking funny to get all get drafted. I would, even if I didn't get drafted, I would literally probably draw. I didn't list. I'd be like, alright, let's go guys. God, that'd be fucking fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, it's funny, all that uhm, a lot of that stuff is starting to drop off. I was looking at Google searches for like, rape culture, cross sectionality, all that stuff, and it's like, it hit a fucking huge high point and it's all starting to come down now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, dude. Wow. It's R. Kelly, man. Wow. No one can stop him right now. That's a hot take. That's a super hot take, dude. What's he talking about, eating pussy? Dude, who knows? Sucking up all the juices, dude. All the fucking juices. That is a fucking, that's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the fucking, that's the, uhm, that's the big buzz surrounding Kells, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, what happened? I don't know. All it is is that a woman contacted Buzzfeed being like, I dropped my daughter off for like, I introduced my daughter to Kelz thinking he'll help her music career and now she won't, she only calls, she only calls me on like Christmas and Easter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean dude, if these girls are staying there and they like it. They're fine. It's legal. Yeaah. It's perfectly legal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Which is possible. That might happen, yea. It could be possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] John Cena's gonna break into R Kelly's ass? Yea dude, he's gonna break in dude. Damn, John Cena probably has a sex layer too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody, dude. If you walk into that house, you're gonna end up fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you had five girls locked up in your house and you were like walking around to them all day being like, nope, I didn't say you could eat. And they actually paid attention and listened and like stayed in your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's funny people aren't being sex positive about it though. They should be sex positive. They're King Shaman Kelly. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what girls say they like though, you know, all that fuckin' BDSM shit. Oh, the dominant stuff? Yeah. I don't know, cause... Dude, 50 Shades of Grey sold 50 million copies. Yeah, but, I mean, that's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I'm too agreeable. I'm not, I'm not enough of a boss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's beyond the nut. At that point it's beyond the nut. Yea, at that point it's- It's the power trip. Imagine driving home and being like, fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuckin' parents, dude. Same thing with Michael Jackson. It was like, well, you know, I figured he would help him out with their music career and it's like, bro, check the fuckin' track record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, man. I'm for R. Kelly's fucking house. You're pro R. Kelly. Yeah, I'm a big fan of what he's doing right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people move in there to like, become pop stars and end up fucking sucking R. Kelly's dick for ten years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, this might sound bad, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are, there's, I mean, there's not really that bad. There's a lot of women out there who are that, you know, that's their, that's how they are. It's like they're super, you can, they almost thrive on being that dominated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. They're just like veal. For sure. You know, so they just sit around, Kels fucking tells them what time it is and they don't have to think. Ew dude, you just described them as veal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what it, that's what it is though. For sure. You're fucking, you're being, you're sitting, you're not moving around. It's like your movement's restricted. And the Cal's man comes in and, step in the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They literally looked at his house and they're like, dude, this is your house. And he was like, nah, dude. FBI was like, this could literally be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the back of his head and his back of his- he had cornrows in the tape. I stole the sex tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know I was a 15 year old girl. I was telling someone, like, I saw that video and they were like, dude, she's like 15. I was like, no I didn't. I bet she was hot. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. Dude. I mean R. Kelly doesn't fuck, you know, dogs, dude. Yeah. Of course she was hot. I guarantee you, she was like- He fucked Aaliyah. She was the hottest 15 year old. I mean, dude. He probably didn't even want to pee on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably, she was so hot, he was like, ah, and just fucking just peed all over her. He squirted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? Now he's just controlling women, telling them what to do with their bodies, telling them how to dress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit dude. I mean, I obviously want to see Conor McGregor beat him, that'd be hilarious. That, yea, that's uh... You think so? Yea. He's gonna get murdered.


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[Assistant] If McGregor was going to be racist too, it wouldn't have been a subtle.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's being like, danced for me all the way around. You can say that to anyone.


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[Assistant] We'll see, it'll be funny. It'll be funny to watch. He's not gonna fucking come near him, dude.


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[Assistant] Without the threat of a takedown, Boxx is totally different. He got tired.


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[Assistant] He's a counterpuncher, so there are two counterpunchers fighting each other. They're gonna dance, dude, they're gonna dance.


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[Assistant] I bet- I think they're gonna pay to let McGregor win. I bet this is the most- I think Dana White paid Mayweather, like you're about to retire, dude, this doesn't count as a fight, take 100 million, let him win. No, there's- you can't do that. What do you mean?


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[Assistant] Dude, but if you go to an all-inclusive resort, you'll notice the people outside, like picking the weeds and shit, are like super dark, and they're all Haitians. And the people who work as like butlers and like waiters, they're the Dominicans, and they fucking hate the Haitians. But they won't fuck with them because they're scared of voodoo.


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[Assistant] I'm dead serious, they literally think- Not Boo-Berry, Franken-Berry, I'm sorry. Okay, Boo-Berry sounds even funnier though. This guy was explaining it to me, he's like, I can't fucking stand them, but he's like, I keep my distance because I'm scared of their voodoo. And I was like, alright, you guys are clearly- You guys are down, you guys are behind 300 years here.


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[Assistant] Crazy as that, this is like a- We stumbled onto- last week we stumbled onto the fucking poop swastika. Poop swastika's hilarious. And now we're uncovering fucking Sammy Sosa and the fucking triple crown of white-


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[Assistant] I was host- I was hosting the open mic. There was nothing funnier to me than when I came out and I was like, guys, oh my god, Hillary Clinton just got 107 electoral votes. I'm like, ah, just kidding, you're next comedian. And everyone's just like, yeah, damn it.


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[Assistant] Fuck, the fake dude was watching people's faces as they pulled their phones out. I'm like, nah, I'm just kidding, she's losing anyway. Fuck, that was a funny night.


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[Assistant] He said, apparently he said there's a Russian that came up to him and they had like earth-shattering, earth-shattering revelations about the Clinton family.


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[Assistant] But they've been doing this to each other now for a while. They have the Clintons and all those guys being like, we have absolute proof, Trump colluded, we're gonna release it. I can't, I can't understand it. They keep saying they're gonna release these big bombs on each other and no one does. They're probably blackmailing each other.


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[Assistant] But, it's also like, I mean who's more prone to fucking bomb Russia? Obama let him fucking


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[Assistant] Yeah. But it's also dude, like- The Trump dog, dude. The Trump dog is- To think you know what the fuck these guys are up to is hilarious.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's so fucking funny. That's hilarious. Yea, dude, it is.


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[Assistant] Yes! Suck on that! If you, if you, I don't know, I don't know. People on Facebook debate and they go, well why don't you read this article? It's like, yea I read that article, why don't you read this article? It's like, neither of you guys are reading this shit.


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[Assistant] Just shut up, work your shit fucking job, and die.


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[Assistant] Well, it's not even, dude I'm telling you, it's not even about them being right per se, it's about them finding other people that talk like them and they just bond together and they have their own little community.


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[Assistant] Once you, the thing that fucked me up with news is once I realized that different news had different political slants, now I can't watch it because I'm like, I can't look at it because I'm like, well, I know what these guys are trying to tell me. You know what I mean? I know their agenda. And it's both for Fox and that. I'm like, well, you know, Fox's has gotten weirder though, cause it's like,


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[Assistant] They weren't for a while, at first they weren't. They were being like, fuck I'm getting them out of here too.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't vote either. I didn't vote either. I don't bother myself for that shit. That shit's below me, dude. That shit's for the fucking peasants. I'm a player, dude. I would have voted if I... I'm a player in the game. I'm gonna run.


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[Assistant] What the fuck do you have? What are you safeguarding your mutual farm for?


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[Assistant] Well, I didn't have healthcare for like three years, then I got it, and I'm like, alright, cool. But if they were like, yea, we're taking your healthcare, I'd be like, I don't have healthcare anymore, it sucks.


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[Assistant] To think that you support him is that you're somehow like a neo-Nazi or a white supremacist is like absolutely fucking stupid. Unbelievable. That's why people like him. Exactly. Cause you assume that and they're like, well fuck that guy then. Well watch this, I love this guy, how about that?


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[Assistant] That's your defense? What are you, racist? It's all that identity politics shit. They used to do it with like the poor people and be like, go attack the rich, bring them down. Now it's like, alright, we can't do class, now we're gonna do race, religion, sexuality.


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[Assistant] I don't think so. I'm usually pretty wary.


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[Assistant] You are, you are very- I think every woman is a man, just to be safe. You think every woman is a man? Every woman is a man, yeaah. That's gonna be a tough one. Especially on the internet, like Tinder and everything, I'm like, that's a man, that's a man. Really? And then I like, I usually do research, like I go back, I try to look for like-


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[Assistant] You know what I did last night? I went, you know those, uh, the hot girl like bots that friend you on Facebook? The fake profiles, the fake profiles on Facebook of like the model, you know, the model pictures, like they have, I went, I went to her.


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[Assistant] Wow dude. We got to the bar and they invited me in, right? And I went in and I hung out for a while and then, uh, nothing happened. I left. It got really sketchy. Really quick. What do you mean by sketchy? Like the dudes were like eyeballing me hard. They were like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] No, I was way less sleazy than the dudes they were with. They could tell I was. Well, if you invite a fucking Uber driver into your party, you're a retard.


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[Assistant] Well I, I, I did like triple check. I was like, I was like nah, like they had to really talk me into it and I was like alright and I went in and it was just, it sucked. It was so sketchy. The dudes hated me. They hated me.


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[Assistant] You wanna hear something gayer? I have an aromatherapy, uh, diffuser. Definitely gayer. I know.


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[Assistant] Just like- Just watching TV. You know, does it work? Does it? No, it doesn't relax me. It just makes the room smell like fucking lavender. And I'm like, this is shitty and I turn it off.


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[Assistant] I just celebrated my two year anniversary of not exercising at all.


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[Assistant] Don't you feel, do you like shit normally? I feel terrible. How's your bowel movements? Oh, it's awful. Yea, what do you think? Very irregular. Very off schedule. Well, there you have it listeners. Stay fit.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, I feel like shit. I gotta do something soon. Yeaah dude. Yeaah. But I looked in the mirror with my arm and I still got a little bit of a tricep so I don't feel that bad. I can tell Jim Ginty's ripped. I'm getting a little doughy. I'm getting doughy.


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[Assistant] He's alright, I don't know, he gets a little too deep sometimes, but uh, but yeaah.


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[Assistant] Wait, so Brazil, it was making out in a club? I don't, that was possible.


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[Assistant] But they were in wheelchairs so it doesn't count. Whoa. Jimmy.


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[Assistant] I wish I had a cooler catchphrase after the fart. Then welcome to the Thunderdome. Should've said something cooler.


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[Assistant] Oh man. What a bunch of fucking assholes. Dude, you know how fucking-


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[Assistant] Douchey you have to be to put on a fucking suicide vest.


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[Assistant] And run into a group of fucking teen girls in England.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not saying us, I'm saying them. That's trouble. I'm not saying you and me. I'm not worried. Fuck that, dude.