[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a personal trainer, you psycho. You just snitched. Didn't he snitch on like the Bloods?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He probably just jogged like 1.2 miles, dude. He's ready to go home. He worked out hard as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Gotta move that weight. Cause man, you gotta like, you gotta still be out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's assuming he's a bitch and he can just be working out the perso- I guess, I don't know man. I like LA Fitness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Tekashi69 is like 10% trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's a, that's a crazy thing to get into though. Takashi69, cause he was at like the height of fame. Like the absolute pinnacle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he like, betrayed, you know, the culture he was serving, quote unquote, that's like someone in the New Yorker's words, not mine. But, so now he's on this, he's in this weird rap underworld, where like, use a bitch, use a snitch, use a fraud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, luckily I'd imagine he was in shock, so like maybe it wasn't all sinking in, but like walking out of a building with no pants on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Will Smith had that guy who trained him for uhm, the Muhammad Ali movie. Yea, who apparently was just like an absolute fucking psycho. And then they like psycho bonded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he got fuckin' jacked from this guy. And the guy actually would became like his like confidant and kind of like- Of course he did. Spiritual advisor in a way. And then uh- Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like his egoic spiritual advisor and then he became designated spooner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I don't think they spooned at all. You don't think they spooned? Him and Will Spoon, ah, he might have, maybe. Like, let's get ready for gay rolls, dude, in case you ever got to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After Earth with his son Jaden, that guy was on the set and like he was like, Jaden was, it was like super hot out and he like, he like, baby Jaden the whole time because he didn't want to, he like, everyone felt like he was putting his career before his family so he was like, Jaden, who even cares about it? Like you, I want to make sure you're good and that, that was the falling out between him and his like, spiritual, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true, you didn't get to do like the kind of like spaz and the... No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, here was the most sinister part of the whole thing, so the movie flopped, he was like, kind of like his whole problem that he was a psycho career man, and then it was ruining his family, and then the movie flopped, so it triggered his like, you know, kind of like the thing that was keeping all of his nasty stuff at bay, which was like this never ending assent of just like ungodly success, and like global adoration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That got a fracture in it and then everyone, the, the, the apparatus of the media that was like praising him turned its ugly eye on his son and were like, he's a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While processing his own stuff and then after the, after trying to relate to his son using the thing he loved, which is movies, which he probably just should have taken a couple years off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masterful. And yeaah, he comes on, it's very much like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladyish and weird and it's, that's maybe one of the worst movies. I mean obviously goes without saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we tried to watch it with Maya and I was like, me and Brittany were both like, holy and Brittany can watch bullshit. Like some high, high level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm checked out on him, sorry. That was a decent movie. I only fuck with action. That was action dude. Okay, can I get you guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd rather ride, like, a $400,000 motorcycle off, like, the southern coast of France and, like, parachute away down to, like, a boat of team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you tell me crashing into a treehouse and getting knocked out wasn't enough for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. Yeah, that would be, imagine that, you're already famous and rich and then you get like a visceral thrill of a stunt. That's like, it's enough money where you know it's probably, most likely, you're gonna be totally fine. Yeah. Then everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dying on a movie set is probably kind of cool in a way. Like that lady, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't sleep on the crew, dude. They're so tightly wound into them. They're basically, I mean, the crew and the- They're in the fabric of this story. One and the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the final destination. You just dress in all black for the rest of your life. You know what I mean? Yeah, extremely tight jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something happens, like, I've, I've, from my, my limited interactions with, with the crew, I can only imagine what would happen on the HBO set, and it's like, you get, you get like, kind of like a, yeah, like an un, you get like a $400 messy haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are cool, cause then it becomes this weird thing, like are they cool, am I cool or are they cool? And it's just this huge up for, you know, up for grabs, like I don't know. You know, maybe I'm a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's the cool battleground. It is, it is, it's a big time cool battleground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would you want, okay, if one celebrity had to fuck you, who would be the number one? That you'd be like, if it's gotta be someone, who do you think you would pick? If you had to pick, you have to pick one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, this is total fantasy where this is not actually gonna happen. There's no electric percussions of the conversation. What about Prime Russell Brand? Ooh, Prime Russell Brand? Yeah. Back, like Romcom Russell Brand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see where you're going with that, but what if he fucking, uh, I don't know. What if he could hold it in for, what if, again, like, you know, I'm not, you know, I'm not saying that you're saying this, I'm saying, again, totally imaginative. Say it's like a, you know, say he's got like a hard four, but he can fucking do, like, he can just keep it hard for like three hours. That thing would eventually. I'm fine with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like a hummingbird. Just a blur. Maybe, I'm not saying, he could have an eight inch penis, that guy who got taken out of the trunk in the, you know, hangover. Who would I, I don't know who I'd pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, Russell Brand, that guy, what was his name again? Uh, Ken Jeong. Ken Jeong. Ken Jeong. Two fantastic picks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would I, now I gotta go, who would I go for? I would go for... probably like Ryan Gosling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I go straight to the guys, dude, within the old house from the notebooks. He probably owns it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know if there's anymore ground left to cover after that. That's a tough pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get her groove back. I don't know, what else could you do? Fucking like... Is there a good fella- I mean, you can reenact a good fella scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had to pull a gun out of her underwear. Just straddle fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a question, I can get us out of this horrible topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so what, what would you say, I was thinking about this while I was peeing earlier, what would you say the central organizing principle of your entire mind is? Whoa. The first thing that came to my mind


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the, that's the end of the day. That's what it boils down to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's troubleshooting. I like that. Central organizing. Yeah. Nice. Nice, nice. Yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that could just be, that could be, that could not be the grand, that might not be the grand organizing principle of your mind. That could just be, that's my whole point. This is very destabilizing stuff that they get into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not a, uh, it's not a bad thing to do. At least once a decade. It should be honestly mandatory. I know it's not everyone's thing, but once a decade, people should have to defrag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they would lose control of the masses, man. Yea, true. Or, but if they came as like wizard masters, like if they led the fucking charge and started getting so far out and then were like pshhh. Wait, who are they? Uh, oh, we'll get there. Big Pharma? Big Pharma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We pass each other, we're both kinda like, what's up dude, what you up to? You cool? I'm cool. And we keep it moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have the opposite. Their Old Testament was peaceful and the New Testament is kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense, because I think the Shiites are directly linked to, their claim to fame is that they're linked to Fatima, which was like his kid or something, so they claim to be direct blood descendants of Muhammad himself. Yeah, his son. Fatima was the girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think they say they're like related to either one of the wives or one of the kids. That's the Shiites, the Fatimids. And the Sunnis were just like, nah bro, fuck you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know the Sunnis are, their link is Fatima, where they're saying we have blood ties to the Prophet Muhammad himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I could be wrong, I usually couldn't be the one who, he did have, that's the problem with having multiple wives, it fucks your legacy up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you look good with it. I do like you with a mullet though too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one thing that was hard growing up is my sister is a hairdresser and occasionally I'd get my head, my hair cut in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when it's your sister's tits on your shoulder, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's happened quite a bit. Cause I would get Rick, Rick would cut my hair. Yeah, I almost never get a female haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Mantua. George Washington camped there. Anyway, Harold, what are you up to? Not much. What's your middle name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do not debate him. That is how we, you know. It's fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good move for the left to be like, debates don't count.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Mark Cuban got involved. I'd like to give him a wedgie. I don't know, bullshit. He immediately tried to sell his pharmaceutical venture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got some type of thing where he was like, Also, check out my shit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'll talk about illegal streaming. I also like how Mark Cuban brought in Kyrie Irving. Did he? Yeaah. Beast. Mr. fucking left wing was like, I don't care if he denies a holocaust, get this guy on my team, we gotta win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably upset about it. Yeah. Well not act like, not actively upset, but I'm sure if you bring it up, he would go. That wasn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that is a strike against the black people are the real Jews argument. Is the guys who were like really interested in finding out who Jews were targeted white Jews. True. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be nice, just Jango and Glorious Bastards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? To the hole in the ground? No, they go to the Caribbean. There's something in there. It's like when turtles go to the same island. Slugs just have to get down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He links with Washington, then Washington loves him. That was in that Marquis de Lafayette book. They were his two bros. The homies, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like the songs? No. No, the songs piss me off. Really? Almost more than any other songs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a funny story. I was watching Fox News over my dinner, and they cut to a preview for Rob Schneider's new special. And then it just, one of his jokes is just exactly the same as mine. And I was sitting there eating dinner and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't watched Fox News in months. I was like, fuck it, I'll just put on some TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While I'm eating dinner and then it just cuts to a guy doing my material. Wait!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real, that's exactly what I did. I was like, I just heard it slightly and then I heard it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, Joe Biden's like a, if Joe Biden were a dog, you'd put him down. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm sure though, that happens. That happens. It's gotta. It's always a bummer. Nothing worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something worse is when someone tells you about it too. Someone messaged me. Don't even tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's premises that are very common, that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. And then you see it, you're like, or like you see where you like, you're like, oh fuck, is that where I got that? Like something like that, where you're like, oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York, yeaah. White Uber drivers. And they don't stop talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the chat. I like the chat. I don't like the chat. I don't like the chat of telling you all about the town. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when we got to South Carolina, that guy just gave us the tour. It was kind of nice. We knew this was some good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got hit with that guy though, that same type of guy. I was doing hyenas during the pandemic and it was the first one I did that was like packed in Texas and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck, I was at the bar. I figured this bartender from fucking Fort Worth, Texas was gonna be pretty cool about the Vax being gay. I was like, dude, Vax fucking bullshit. I was like, COVID's fucking bullshit anyway. He's like, I was on a, I was on a ventilator for three months in the hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, dude, I remember bald head fucking like looked like a Texas man. But I mean, I guess he got hit with that ventilator and was like, no, this shit's real, dude. I don't care how conservative I was. It's like I was in the hospital for three months with COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Are they like, you know, are they like slightly hypochondriacs? Probably. Where they're all like, oh no, it's hard to breathe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today I'm at an hour and 51 minutes. That's not bad. Considering I've been awake since 11, that's pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh nice, my daily average is three and a half. That's not bad dude. Three and a half is not bad at all. Nah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although it might be including today, that hour 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he meant for you to monitor. I was like, man. I'm gonna ask her about it. It's a little wacky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a nice, uh, I got a nice Wikipedia one last night. What'd you get? I got Battle of Agancourt. Pretty big. I was watching the movie The King on Netflix. You saw that one with Timothée Chalamet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. Airplanes, airplanes are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like apple ice. Do you like apple ice? I give it to my dogs. I feed my dogs nicotine pouches. They're not doing well. I say watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Guys, smoking should be fun. If you're having coughing fits every time you take a sweet hit, it's time to get freeze pipe. Freeze pipe gives you the coldest and smoothest hits that are easy on the lungs. Just pop the pipes glycerin chamber into the freezer for an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As smoke passes through the chamber, it's cooled by over 300 degrees. Personal endorsement, talk it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, when I pop that fucking chamber in and get high, I love getting high. You do handstand bong rips, so it goes right to your head. I do, I do, I do hand, yea I sit here by myself and I do handstand bong rips. You smoke a cig right after. With my ice cold chamber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nevermind. Whether you're into pipes, bongs, or bubblers, freeze pipe has you covered with the most comfortable way to smoke. Guys, there's over 1100 reviews and a 4.4 star rating. Get ready to be popular at every party when you bring your freeze pipe. Bring a freeze pipe to a fucking house party, dude. To a kid's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' birthday parties. Hey guys, don't worry. The bongers, we've been taking her too harsh. I've got a solution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a premium smoking experience at everyday great prices and free shipping, visit thefreezepipe.com and use code drenched for 10% off your entire order. That's the-th-e-freezepipe.com and use code drenched for 10% off freezepipe.com slash drenched. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I've noticed about all that shaving cream and stuff? What? Girls like to use it to shave their pussy. It feels good there too. So, if you have a girl living with you, she'll shave her pussy with your manscaped stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it looks nice when it's shaved. I go, woah, what are you, twelve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to look nice for you. Yeah, I like, I love when I have a presentable penis and nuts. I'm going to meet your parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cock is hairless. I sweat right in my khaki where my pubes are and everybody knows. Everybody knows I have a giant bush, everybody. Everybody's been laughing at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to the show. So what happened? What happened? Battle of the Agincourt? The English killed all the frogs. Frogs outnumbered them like three to one and got killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the strategy? It was the British, the English Longbow was big dude. It was big. And then the frogs got stuck in the mud. And they were smashing against each other. And then King Henry executed all of the prisoners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta listen to that and then you gotta go on the JRE experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching Marie Antoinette, have you ever seen that movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It's pretty, I just made, it was making me laugh in the beginning, Austria gives Marie Antoinette to France as like an, like they're like, we need to become allies and like solidify this. It's just funny to see them being like, here's a sweet little piece of pussy for you. Yeah, Drew. Deal. We're friends now. Here's a 14 year old's pussy. We're going to send it over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. The movie was, I doubt, extremely accurate historically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was making me laugh thinking about that fucking Louie bit. The fucking First World Problems bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's just like explaining, he invented like the first world problems I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he did it in a special. He was like, first world problems are like, whatever, like, this line's taking too long or something. He's like, third world problems are like, you wake up one day and you're like, oh fuck, I forgot they're gonna cut all our heads off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they're cutting all our heads off today. Fuck. The whole time I was watching it, I was like, God, I can't wait until they cut all these people's heads off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just gay Frenchmen running around in their fucking dumb outfits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were in there having drinks, fucking each other. Everybody was fucking everybody. Yeah, everyone had a mistress and shit back then. Marquis de Lafayette. He was, he was, uh, he was like ousted from the court because he wouldn't cheat. And I was like, dude, you're being a bitch. We don't need you around our crew. We're all getting pussy on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he got a lot of, he had a lot of problems. He was in jail a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Head cut off is pretty funny. Have you ever seen any of those videos? Yes. The live leekies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think those, I think the Afghanis and Saudis got it down pretty good. They were hitting, I think the Taliban used to hit soccer stadium beheadings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he just pants his RFK Jr.? Fair enough. That'd be so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he understood it then. He just, he thought, I mean, there is a part of the joke where there's something underlying. If it was about you, you'd be like, you're accusing me of not helping you. That would be, that's the part he took from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. The joke was I was arrogant and stupid and I was like, I'll just go on Rogan. I don't give a fuck. He's definitely going to have me on. And then he was like, who are you? Fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like two years. Ah, okay. Oh, it was two years after. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, time's flying. What the hell? That was four years ago this September. Hey! Damn, 40 years ago? I think four. That's crazy. Three or four. Oh, you're right, it's 2023, dude. Yeah, it was 2019.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. September 12th, 2019. I was in high school. I remember the date because it was 9-11 when I got the news. That I was gonna be on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to church and then certain kids started getting picked up. And I was like, damn, I wish my parents would fucking pick me up. Of course they didn't. I just spent the full day at recess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. Who knows, they were trying to hit those wind turbines. In the fertile crescent. Trying to up the price of oil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they did the math on how many people work there every day. And it's like an insane amount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was watching. So there's this 9-11, there's a 9-11 documentary, uh, it's like the best one. It was on the History Channel and it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this week, this week a video came out. They're all like, while the towers are on fire, the first plane's already, actually the second plane hit because they collapsed. These kids are just drinking beer, like watching it. And then the one girl is just like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A falling man. Yeah, true. It's a scary vid, dude. Yeah. No, I mean, you'd think somebody from the picture would be like, of the dead people, would be like, that looks like my husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think it was like, you couldn't breathe and what you were holding onto was so hot, you had to just let go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or jump, yea. I'll take the jump over the burn to death. Burn to death blows, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrifying. I blocked all those accounts. Yeaah. I don't need to see that shit. I never watched that one. Which one? I saw the description of it. The jumpers. It's from the ground. Like firefighters. It's just autoplay. I opened it up. Is it audio too? Oh yeaah. Yeaah, it's loud. It sounds like a fucking car accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 936? I don't know why I thought it was like 852.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a funny fucking way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's just a plane crashing onto California where the fuck he was which is pretty serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so funny. The one you sent me where it fades to the city. That's gotta be the intro. That's gotta be the way the title.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a better compliment than a black guy on a basketball court?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Men are hunters. We hunt for pussy. It's deep in our DNA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, the first thing I did with that, straight to my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I literally used that on my penis, but yes, you can touch it. Like till you busted? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitting the sled. Yeaah, that's so sick. Hitting the sled rules. Dude, I see sleds. I'm like, oh my god, I wish. Although that was like kind of the shittiest part of practice. Sled? Sled was shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then the, I was tackled so you could really tell who was pushing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking 16. You fucking drunk? You weird drunk? When you're talking about dudes, like in high school dudes will like grab you. You know like a coach will be like, c'mon hit me. You can hit me for real. It's not gonna hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hold it, I'll show you. You're like, this hurts. We had a freshman coach that challenged our running back to like a one on one drill. And he was obviously not wearing pads. And he got cracked in his face with a helmet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swing that. Oh no. Isn't that the hammer? She lets go, like, right here. Just go straight. No, guys. Oh, that's gonna hurt so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the mayor hitting the axe throw. He was at the Dave and Buster's hitting the axe throw. While you were fucking hitting the fucking Star Wars, he was on the axe throw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how they have like famous people in the opening pitch? Somebody, somebody just throws it terrible, there's just a fat photographer standing in the back straight in his nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tennis has like medieval rules of like you're not allowed to make noise, you have to sprint, get the ball, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, tennis is. I mean, he's fat and he gets hit in the nuts, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's wild. Oh fuck. Yeah, what time is it? Oh yeah, shit. We gotta switch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sass, thank you for joining us. I was actually just listening to Sass's recent podcast with Lamar Lee. Yeah. Son of a boy dad, Lamar Lee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did we talk about it? Now you just have all our guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamar is so confident. You guys should definitely hire Lamar for, at Barstool, for gaming, gaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, gaming podcasts would be big there. Plus, they need an African American hire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure they would do it. Yeah, I think you could actually do it. You said it on the podcast and I was sitting here playing MLB the show and I was like, we might be on to something. I was playing game three of the NLDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll give it a test run and you'll have viewers right away. Unlike most of them. But you know what else would help is hot slut. They sell tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big tits, put it in like a nice dress. Yeaah. Every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Get on it. Hurry up and do that, cause it's gonna be successful. Yeaah. I could watch you play video games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I think changed mid-fight because I think in the beginning it was cons vs. cons. Cons vs. cons. And then it changed to cage vs. cons. First of all. Anyway, that's what I'm saying. I think Street Beef has a direct lineage going back to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we should, maybe we should, uh, buy the domain and, uh, rename the podcast Cage vs. Collins and then just anyone who finds this will just be people who won't know the end of that fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, watching someone succumb to just opioid addiction, it's crazy how much nothing someone can do. It's insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was gonna say. The amount of television, the amount of black and white movies you're able to consume with an active opioid addiction is truly harrowing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just smoking cigarettes in a dark room watching black and white television and never doing anything else. And then somehow you still have ice cream every day. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that actually says something about how good ice cream must be. Is if you're in the throes of heroin addiction and you're still just like, I gotta get my fix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't, this isn't it. I could take this higher and then you grab a gallon of Breyers and let it melt in your bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks. Yeah, yeah. My boy Bushy, who's been the, you know, the go-to on this shit since the nineties said, LOL told y'all there is no heroin around. Nobody is putting gold in sand and selling it as sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another friend of mine said that this is just fear-mongering. They're trying to scare people off of Delta A and THC0? Or THCO? There's THCO, there's Delta 9 THC but hemp derived. You know what I really liked was uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] HHC. Do you know about HHC? That's one of them, I think. Oh, I'm going to double check. But, uh, they had them at this, uh, like they sell them at like head shops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So they make like an extract of HHC and they like spray it on just like regular gourmet mushrooms, like not psychoactive. And they sell them as magic mushrooms. And a friend of mine bought them and I was like, I'll try that if you want. What is HHC? Is it hetcher hetcher cannibal? Uh, damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leafleaf in 2021, it starts with, it's the latest hemp-derived cannabinoid and has a lot of potential, but invites many questions too. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I enjoyed it a couple of times. Really? It got me like almost, almost psychedelically high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so HHC is a Hamptoride Cannabinoid? Cannabinoid? Cannabinoid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then you can actually- Obviously it's hexahydrocannabinol. I thought it was hetra hetra. No, you fucking idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wonder what it is. And now, I forget how we got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. Do you not believe like the tests that people use? What do you mean? They sell like tests for that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, has there ever, has there been a good one before? Yea, before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like maybe you weren't, maybe you weren't going to accidentally overdose on the spot, but. Exactly. I've seen some people, you know, lose time. Have a bad time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. But, is anyone actually, is anyone still having fun on pills? I don't, you know what? I don't think so at all. No, I don't want, maybe there are people out there still just like, having, consuming them like in moderation and just partying every once in a while and having a good time on them. If you guys are out there, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kind of cosmopolitan for a while. It was. Now it's kind of like- Like you got your high heels hanging off your fingers over your shoulder and you're like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, women are so stupid. That's why we stopped letting them make comedy. Shit, it went away. That's what they think is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a fun thing to do, just witness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was my, I mean this is obviously the first step toward just, you don't even ever have to be in the same room as another person. There's just like, uh, an inflatable mannequin type thing that forms to the person that you're currently dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what if you're a lonely guy and the, the option of affection from physical affection for women is off the table, but you subscribe to a lady's account on some like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depo where she's uploading new kisses every night for you to download.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you're just an early adopter and you go, this isn't great, I know, but I know the technology's going somewhere. You buy in early? Yeaah. That's different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a full-time job. To keep me happy? I'd probably have to keep her in a stall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the singular effect that they all had was that, and again I was wearing a pullover hoodie with the hood over my head to do all my barbell stuff and I was trying to get as hot as possible and my ears would be screaming on fire. Just red as fuck and just like sideburn drips of sweat coming down before I even started lifting the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about the upper roof at the schoolyard. I thought you were going Green Monster. Yeah, absolutely. Fenway Park. Actually, we didn't have that much room for stickball, so when we were playing, the back, the outfield was actually a four story, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gothic castle school police station structure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and so we would be in the corner of the schoolyard against the fence, just swinging and trying, and like, sometimes some of the younger kids would be like, well, if it goes above that paint line on the wall, that counts as a home run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other people, it was strictly, it has to touch the slanted rooftop. That's a home run. Gotcha, gotcha. And then, uh, but, so what ended up happening was that we were all just swinging almost vertically to hit the fucking, either, it was probably one bounce tennis ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Had to be one bounce pitch, I think, for most people. Yeah. And just trying to, trying to swing it straight up. It almost looked like we were like samurai fighting, like drawing katanas, trying to hit dingers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's what ADHD kids are, like hyperactive kids, they're just high T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. ADHD kids are just alpha as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we should have different rules for them. We shouldn't give them amphetamines to try to cure their alphanus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's because like, dude, they're being collared. They're being, they're being, they've got this snare around their neck every day. In a natural environment, they'd be running the roost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just sprint as fast as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I just keep saying this shit over and over again just because like I don't, I don't know, I don't really have people with kids my age to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, like, unload this with and like, settle on something. You're burning with a message for the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, very quickly, it's like Santa, by the time you figure out Santa Claus, you should notice that like, I've never seen an adult write down a math problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda, I kinda drank the Kool-Aid. I was like, well, if I don't learn the real way to do it, then like, the shortcuts that I get later aren't really gonna make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me too, me too. I'm equally impaired, I'm sorry. You know the Kelly Blue Book?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm just thinking, there's, I don't think there's, like, you get, you, you group up kids by neighborhood, or, I mean, school choice, whatever, however, whatever system you use, you put kids in a building all day, and you kind of, like, fill their time, and, like, the end result is that they have to, like, satisfy some, like, metric dictated by, like, someone in another city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think we should set it up almost like, I don't know if there's ever been like a university like this where like, the kids have free reign to just pursue something all day. Montessori schools. God damn it, that already exists? Montessori schools. That sounds expensive too. It is. I mean, obviously. Thank God that wasn't an option for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I like to look back on is we had a special corner, like you imagine like my school is a giant rectangle and it had different, uh, like programs and like I was in like the magnet program, which was supposed to be like kind of like an academic thing. It actually ended up being all kind of like a farce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had like the liberal arts wing, which was like, I think just normal public school. We had like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like kind of like an engineering type thing. And then there was also one, like on one corner of the building, it kind of like snaked off, like the hallway snaked off almost like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I failed Algebra 2. I don't remember even taking the class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I, so actually a dude that I worked with did go to the University of Phoenix. I think when he signed up he didn't, no, that's a joke. He definitely knew that it was an online school and not Phoenix, Arizona. Pretty sure. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's got a, he did, he had an okay time. That guy, yeaah, that was like, he was like, yeaah, I got out of like the job I was in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, great idea, but what I tried to do with DeVry University, which is a hundred times worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's really like the worst possible. It feels more prestigious. I know. And I was just like, I, I barely even thought about it. I was like, I just, I'm just going to skate through the easiest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I just got a letter in the mail. I'm getting back every cent I ever gave them. What? Yeah, there was a class action lawsuit, and I just, like, in five minutes, without even thinking about it, I just put my information in it, and they're like, yeah, we'll just give you all that money back. What? That's awesome. Congrats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at least I learned the lesson very quickly. Like very quickly, I was like, ah fuck, big mistake. But I was still out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually, I, I mean, my diploma says school, far enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and my boy Travis, we didn't go to college, and when Wikipedia came out, we were like, completely vindicated, dude. We knew we didn't have to learn anything, it was gonna be on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, but again, we're not actually going to use these resources to replace a college education. But at the time there was parties where we were just like, we knew we were right dude, all of our friends are fucking idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever have a situation at a job, uhm, the CAD thing reminded me of this, did you ever, did you ever have a situation at a job where, uh, the mistake, you didn't know the mistake was yours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was an effort into figuring out who did it. Oh no. And as you're going down the checklist of what was wrong, you happen, you can see it coming in the very near future that like, Oh no, something I didn't do correctly is about to be revealed. And then you're standing there with like a, uh, some sort of like superior looking over your shoulder at a screen and it's like, Oh yeah, I guess I did that wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I, you know what, I, I don't, you know, obviously it sounds unsavory to, to say like, that's what's up, but like, dude, I've been on the other end of it so many times that I, you have to be realistic. It's every man for himself. Oh, on that stuff? Like, working in an office,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dumbest person you've ever met will commit a mistake that will, like they'll attribute to anyone that they can. And sometimes if you work in an office long enough, the wheel spins onto you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you will absorb someone else's mistake at least once or if not, even if you do vindicate yourself, you're going to absorb the brunt of like the reaction for it at first. Yeah, that's, and then you're going to be like, Oh look, I actually went through the logs. I can timestamp when the mistake was actually made. Huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at that point though, you've already been like treated so like negatively by a person that there's no coming back from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then eventually you can completely disassociate from it. Like eventually, like I would see that happening and I would like, I would read angry emails that I like knew, like not really didn't feel culpable for at all. Yeah. And I was just like, it didn't affect me at all. But for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, for a little while I was like, dude, how weird is it the first day you show up at a new job? Well, especially as the IT guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As they're walking you to the back of the office where you will work in a closet next to a tower of machinery, everyone is thinking about the weird circumstances under how the last IT guy got fired. Every single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've had that happen. I'd be like, hey, just try not- try to keep as physically distant from people as possible. Like, not touch anything on their desk. What? Yeah, it's just such a weird- it's such a weird dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so used to like the most autistic man they've ever met walking over to their workspace and leaning over them to put their hands on the keyboard and mouse. It was like a daily occurrence for them before you got there and then you go, I'm a regular person, just a heads up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that hired me last, uh, the job that I got laid off for from last year, this guy was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The executive branch of this company. And so, uh, I had to help, like, we were replacing another IT guy. I actually worked my way off the ladder a little bit. I was actually now in charge of- You highlandered your way up. Yeah, I was like managing now. And I had to like, go through the hiring process with this guy, and I had to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you not understand we could just not deal with these fucking freaks? Like the people that are coming in to interview for IT jobs are some of the most bizarre people on the planet. I was like, you know, we don't have to hire them. Like a lot of people know about this level of help desk assistance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that ratio is probably unavoidable. Having at least one. True. Like sewer man. There's no getting around it. But then, so then check, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for my first IT job, I was actually working in an IT consulting company. So like we were a company full of IT guys that would just go and like freelance, like contract at like law firms and stuff. So I was in the bullpen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With twenty of the most fucked up dudes ever. What? Every day. Just waiting to be deployed? Yeah, just like sitting at the desk waiting to get like a service ticket to go do. I mean there was plenty of work to the, you know, everyone thought was busy, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cutting your teeth in an IT bullpen like that, they are the strangest men on the entire planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, uh, every stereotype is like almost underplayed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time we hired a very normal looking guy. Like a default skin NPC. You wouldn't think he was an IT guy. You wouldn't guess his job just because there was so little that stood out about his appearance. He looked like such a default white guy with like kind of short hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what this guy's deal was. And the day that he revealed himself as a psychopath was we were, we were kind of just like, uh, chilling in the cubicle farm, uh, like between like, you know, tickets to go do. Me and my buddy Travis. And Travis was showing, this was like 2009.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was showing me a viral video of like, uh, a Japanese girl eating a cockroach, and we were all like, ew, or like a grasshopper or something. And we were all like, ew, gross, dude. Yeah. And this dude standing over behind him goes, yeah, I'd like to see her with a cock in her mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the, and that was the first time he showed his personality at all. Every other day he was completely smooth. Spongebob just like, hello. And then he goes, man, I'd prefer to see her with a cock in her mouth. And the, I mean that weekend he was gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, it's all- it's so- we had an Indian guy who was actually sleeping with the female office managers of like a large section of our clientele. Beast? Until his wife found out and killed herself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he, did he put any emphasis in his voice to like really deliver some of it or was he just reciting? It was, yea, he was reading it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also, you know, I feel like if there's some stuff holding me back, I'm not gonna make any excuses. I played the game I played. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like he'll win. I mean, who are they playing against? It's just like, younger athletes and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It should be, it should be the same. And I had that weird realization this morning that I feel like pride in like 200 years is gonna become like a Mardi Gras or Mummers Day parade where like nobody knows how it started. Like what, why, why are we doing this? Everyone is flapping their dicks in the street for a month at Amazon. Why are we doing this again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, I'm telling you, people are gonna forget, or they'll be like, I heard, like, they used to not want guys to blow each other, and they're gonna go, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what demisexual is? Nah. I was, uh, we went out to dinner with friends recently and the, uh, someone, one of our friends, like works, I think with younger people, uh, she was saying that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Demisexual is a new move where it's like you only- it's a step above asexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're not greysexual. Demi's when you're not exactly like, you're not dying to just like hook up with people. But if you become good enough friends with someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The LGBTQ kids, it's like they're describing like conservative Christian love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so the good girls can get in on the fun. Yeaah. Yeaah. I've been dating my boyfriend for 14 years, probably gonna get married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, that must be so crazy though to notice the one time like you're BFF and you're just like, I love to go out to dinner with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy or pan? Is he pan or buy? Which one's pan? Pan is like, super buy. Where like, you're not even worried whether the people you're having sex with are men or women. You're just like, I'm just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I go down there and masturbate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, uh, what do you guys think about banning the baklava's? What's that? Yea, what is that? The ski mask that it has. The shitey. The shitey. Oh, they're banning them? The affiliates, they're trying to figure out how to ban it, but they're also saying like, well, enforcing it's going to be racist. A nightmare? Oh, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well my thing is like you're dressing like a criminal. Yeah. Either you're using them to evade facial recognition, which is like, you know, if that's what you're doing, knock yourself out. Or you're pretending to evade facial recognition, where it's like you can't pretend to be a criminal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They knew it was coming. Yeah, that was making me laugh. I was reading it. They're like, well, unfortunately this will be targeting black youth. And it's like, yeah, definitely. But also I see, I see white dudes rocking them every now and again too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it was everywhere. It was fucking everywhere. It was everywhere. I say we do a two for one where it's like, you go, hey, you can't wear that, or it's either you take off the scheisse or you pull your pants up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Or he was just like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, so he definitely, he peed on the girl on video, allegedly. But he beat that case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he beat that case. What was the thing he actually got in trouble for? Then he married Aliyah, apparently she was underage, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he was, yea, he was getting into like dungeon play with Jax. But that's just a little kink. You can't have somebody with a kink. That sounds bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's a shame, you know. Shame he had to go and be a pedophile. Yeaah. But he claims that, didn't he claim that his mother, or his aunt used to like, make him eat her pussy or something? Yeaah. He has like a crazy origin story where he was like eating his aunt's pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Brittany said that he, he's from Chicago, and Brittany's from Chicago, and she said when she was younger, like, there would be an invite that would go out and be like, you wanna go to party at R. Kelly's house? And she was like in high school and shit. She said a lot of people she knew would get the invite to go there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or did he have a stockpile of videos filmed and tracks recorded? Yea. A lot of these dudes have like 9 million songs recorded. Yea true. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This summer, take your high to a whole new level. Hamilton Devices gives you an incredible vaping experience with huge clouds and full flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're looking for something to blow your friend's minds, check out the Jetstream. With three cartridges, it's self-propelling, so it blows the vapor. No need to inhale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With multiple airflow modes and adjustable voltage, you get total control of your height.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total control. With easy and rechargeable and super portable gear, Hamilton Devices makes it easy to vape no matter where the day takes you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to hamiltondevices.com and use code drenched15 for 15% off. Buyers must be 21 or older. That's hamiltondevices.com code drenched15 for 15% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I also don't feel very secure thinking about my penis being exposed to the load.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their stretch khaki shorts are designed to fit slimmer through the thigh and legs so you look great and feel comfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say I do like, I have their pants on right now. You look good. Yeah, I saw a box. I noticed your nice slacks. Thank you. These are great. I wore the shorts to workout. I will say this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always on guard for like the tinnitus protruding in the shorts. I mean, I double up. You can also wear boxers with them too. Did it defend your tinnitus? No, it defended the tinnitus. Whoa. Dude, I felt pretty fucking secure. Okay. But I wear boxers with them too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, whether you're a millionaire or you're living in your parents basement, you deserve to have cool wall art. Displate is the way to go for awesome interchangeable pieces that won't damage your wall. Displate artwork is printed on a metal poster that takes just 20 seconds to install. Pop the magnetic sticker on the wall, hang the poster, and you're done. You can jizz on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can even just submit your own art to get printed and sold hanging everywhere and anywhere. I mean, it's fucking awesome. No matter what you're into, Displate has the artwork to show it off. Check out their officially licensed designs ranging from Motorhead, Jurassic World, and the NFL Players Association.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like hitting new connections and almost like the rate of a newborn child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Detroit they have like black squirrels. Yea, we had black squirrels in Havertown I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's the porn going? How's the what? How's the porno going? Yeah. Porn? Porn? You guys are deep on the pornography. Uh, I'm trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going, I've been whole hog into the porn obviously, and then I've gone like, complete, I'm never watching this ever. And then it was like, I was just as obsessed with it when I was like, I'm not watching it at all. As soon as I was just like, yea if like my wife has her period or whatever, I'll just watch porn and fap and just, dude I just, they lost all of its allure to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they're saying in that book I'm reading, they're saying that if you flood, so if you're like, you know, most addictions are to things that flood you with dopamine, like the positive, like if you smoke meth, that's a positive flood, but that the pleasure drive is just like innately connected with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the lady, what the lady's saying people will need to start focusing on is going more towards the pain side because then if you go, if you have a very painful experience or a controlled painful experience, then the pleasure chemicals come to kind of mitigate the pain. But if you're always chasing the pleasure, you're just ramping up the pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that was a primary example where guys like stop doing coke because then they start just hitting ice baths. So rather than chasing the high and experiencing the lows, they chase the lows kind of like controlled. You don't want to like cut your dick off, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea, cutters in high school is up like a lot. A lot of kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Such a pussy! That's so scary. Just touch your eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls attempt more than guys and guys complete more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thanks man. I've heard of kids at college, like roommates and stuff, or people at different people's schools killing themselves. Happens at jail all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I wanted to make a program like this for people in jail, where it was like you have, so you have a little avatar, you have your character, it starts off just basic, no points, and if you do certain things, like it's almost like if you're, and it would all be like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd have like some people in there who work there being like alright, you actually read it, they test you. So if you read and you got it like the thing, you gain XP points for knowledge in the game. If you did physical activity, they would mark it off in your character. And then at night time, everyone could play in this kind of like fighting game. And then your character can only, and there'd be prizes obviously if you win the fighting game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. But you'd have to put in the metrics in real life, and your avatar would get those qualities. And then you'd be able to cut, you'd have to leg up. And if you won, you could get like, reduce sentence time, money, you know, little prizes. That would make jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when they dropped the, when they dropped the A bomb on Japan, obviously it killed 200,000 people immediately, but they said there was a lot of other people who were on the periphery of the blast who got low dose radiation. And apparently the life expectancy of those people rose incrementally compared to the normal population. Really? So in a way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very, it's a hotly contested study, but they're, they were saying basically like we just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hooked up a bunch of people with like, light fucking chemo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everyone has that in store for them though. Besides like, yeah pretty much. It's like every country besides like Africa and India. And India is probably well on their way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude, I mean China, yea, I have no idea. I can't even, I'm acting like I can talk about India's resources versus China's. I have no fucking clue. But off of like swag alone, I'm saying I can talk about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I can see the parallels drawn between their swag, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dragon is just an illusion. What even is that? Chinese guy would be like, dammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, India's Buddhism went from India to China. Really? Yea. And that's like one of the main ones. What's China? Buddhism? What about fireworks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that's all about. Look up Confucianism. I meant to look this up 20 times. I think Confucianism is like you love the government.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think they're just like, be a good guy. Back then they also believed that if you were like, in any way disfigured, that you were a bad person and that's kinda like what you got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, if you were like laying on the street, like crippled, they'd be like, asshole. Walk by, you're like, dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, dude. That's the one thing, man. Because the vets, a lot of the vets are scamsters, dude. But they'll fucking hit you with cra- I brought my dog to the vet recently and they were like, he was just shitting all over the place. I just needed this one diarrhea medicine and I was like, can I get that? And she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we can do that. We can also like look at this and like, you know, and they like kind of fill you out. They're like, well, for like 200 bucks, we can scan the track, the GI, uh, do blood tests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hell is this fucking romp? Yea, dude, I did get people with that all the time. My sister worked for a vet and she was like, something like 80-90% of the animals that get like invasive surgery die pretty quickly afterwards. Anyway, so she's like, it's kinda bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're concerned with an interaction of two metals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A shopping cart hitting a metal car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares? Oh, true. I'm more concerned about human's time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like fucking leaving. You only have one life, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just put like retainers on their teeth so they are like grabbing each other like that but not exactly puncturing each other. That'd be kinda cool to like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, let's land this thing, dude. What are you guys up to right now? Take it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've been off to fap. I've been off to fap. Well this is the other thing too, so I noticed that too when I went off to porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know man, maybe it's best, but I feel like if you're, if you grow up in the, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people probably check it out on that inch. Cause that's the thing, your body's used to getting the size that your dick is now hard. If you add an extra inch onto that, what's the boner like? Good question. Trust me, I've thought about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also your dick's getting hard inside your body as well, so it's probably fine. Yeaah. True. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's like a Jenga tower, dude. Everyone probably has that one part that reaches a critical point. Yeah, it goes down forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I come home and it'll be like midnight and these two are just wasted. And I've never, I've never experienced a more dividable duo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all you have to do to divide these two. I come in, I sit down, I start playing video games, I'm playing Xbox while they're playing on, Tom plays onward directly in front of me. I gotta take a step back, he's like, okay. But all you have to do is, uh, who's got the most kills?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I was, I had it after. But Tommy saw that and I walked past Tommy who was on the mushrooms and he was like, I'm fucking flying. And I genuinely was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fucked up. I can handle mushrooms. I didn't know these mushrooms were the strongest mushrooms on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was talking to Brett Morin about, or uh, Brett Ernst about fucking like, the NFC East. And just in the middle of a conversation about the Cowboys and the Eagles, I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, that's, I mean, if I was on Mushrooms, it's almost like, I have bad news for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You think that's funny? Yeaah. The mushies, yeaah, when I was, I, when I hit eject and started walking out, somebody was like, hey, you gotta meet the, the guys that own Yo Cratum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a sponsor of Gas Digital and Skagfest. It's like, yea, I think it's just a drug. Yea, I think it's like synthetic heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we get in the hotel. Dude, this whole time, this whole time I was like, damn, I wish I was with someone. Yes. I'm so glad I was alone. Oh my god. I'm so glad I was alone. If I had another guy that was tripping as hard as I was, that would have fucked me up. Reality was, the drugs were so nuts. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I talked to the guy. I found the guy who grew those mushrooms. Those were grown in a closet in upstate New York. In a dude's closet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I don't think I'm gonna get Matt in trouble on this. So Matt put him in his, some like box, in the Skankfest bag. And when he got home, his dog ate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's Matt's dog, so this dog's munched. This dog's munched a ton of wheat. This dog, and every time it munches wheat, it's like, hehehehe. He said this thing munched these shrooms, it was like, it wanted to play all night. The dog was trying to play with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah yeaah. Put those in the turlet bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Mark doesn't do drugs like that. So I was like, Norman's fucked. So I went and found Mark and he was like, ah, I didn't take him. Put him in my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, dude, thank god. I mean, don't get me wrong, I went through a personal hill. I laid there and stared at the fucking, the ceiling of my hotel. My hotel had a, like, abstract painting on the wall. That, dude, I was just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, that was nice, except I tried to watch TV. That was the only thing that fucked me. Dude, I put on and it was direct TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was DirecTV, so there's 9,000 channels, and Guide wouldn't work. So I just had to get up on the channel to try to go somewhere. I ended up on like, Somalian local news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it fucked me up so bad. They were like, this is the one true free speech network in all of Somalia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the television was terrible. I was like, oh, Rick and Morty's on. I put that on and I was like, what kind of fucking dumb motherfucker likes this shit? Fuck this. And then I started, I was like, thinking about the writers that made this. I was like, they think they're smart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I just, I hated Rick and Morgan. And then, uh, I fell asleep, which was great. I couldn't believe it. I fell asleep for like a half hour and then Chris called again. Yeah. How are you doing? And that was when it broke. Yeah. Just one nap. And I was like, yeah, I'll never forget. Thank God. I'm okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just to have everything you see move. It's like, alright, that's still, that's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt's dog munched that. How much did he eat? I think the dog munched a lot of that. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny, Matt at like 11pm took his dog to the dog park and the dog was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be like, who the fuck's my weed? I'll turn around and dogs in the corner look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, that was interesting to hear Matt talk about how like, the mushrooms, the dog did well on mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. No, but I was getting hit with it. I saw it, I was taking pictures. There's so many pictures of me like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, I was, but every time I tried to leave, somebody would stop me. Like the whole, from the green room to the front door, it takes, it took a half hour. Easily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yeah, that was, uh, it did rule though. That was crazy. But when I was, I was like, again, the reason I took that, those mushrooms, it was like, alright, we'll take it easy tonight. Yeah, yeah. It was a nice easy night, easily the wildest night. Oh my god. Without a doubt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, I was listening to the Huberman podcast. I swear to God. Who's? Huberman? Huberman. What you got? What are you saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was talking about, uh, some shit called L tyrosine. I don't know what that is. It was, uh, it's like a dopamine thing. I don't know. It helps you like focus and stay more alert. I took it one time. Seems like you're on it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of cool because y'all hold the mic like this. Yeah. Yeah. Ethan does it. Ethan does it too. I'm like, I tried it a couple of times. I'm like, Hey, it feels like I'm getting my words out quicker. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With, with, with them going out there doing that. I guess I gotta, I gotta show you. As long as they, you know, as long as they fair with it, they let Puerto Ricans go do their thing on their day. On the White House? Titties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't like it because everybody, cause of what?


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[Assistant] Naked Giga. I personally don't give a fuck. I just want to know why you give a fuck. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because is it because everybody else that shows up to the White House has to be some sort of formal or, uh, I mean, or from wherever them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels, it feels like an agenda is what you're saying. It's fake. It's absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just thinking, I'm like, that's kinda hard to prove. Do they check your genitals if you, they do? Oh, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's part of their culture though. I know, it's a dumb part of their culture. The kamikaze playing game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard they're not showing the Little Mermaid out there. That's what Will told me, so I can't believe it. I don't know if it's true or not, but he was like, yeah, they're not showing the Little Mermaid out there because she's black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then uh, but then uh, the, the black Spider-Man doing good. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see the documentary? No. I heard it was awesome. Yea, he was over there like crying because he was like, they treat me like a god over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, yeaah. I mean, I don't know. That's what I'm saying. When it's not serious and it's serious, you're like, you do your Nate Diaz shit and you're like, I'll fucking beat the shit out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, which I absolutely love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I don't like your crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that, I like that they love you because it's like, okay, now it's a challenge. Okay. You know what I mean? Like after coming, like once you go up and they're like, oh, Shane, oh, accents. And I'm like, oh my God, that's my regular voice. And I gotta kind of figure this shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you came up to me and you was like, yeah, fucking do a set. Don't talk about being black and don't say my name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they start, is it, is it gotten to the point where they, well I don't know because you don't really dress a certain way, but sometimes like fans start dressing like their favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't really tell the difference. Yeah. I mean, I was outside a little bit. I smelt it, but it wasn't like, it just smelt like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it reminded me of actually, and I don't even want to say this, but no, when I like first landed in Nigeria the very first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's, I don't, I mean, I don't know what the Afghanistan laws, but I assume that they would like kill something bad. Yeah. If you tried to leave, it's like, all right, well, yeah, good luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you heard of him? No. Oh, really dope. Uhm, kinda pioneered the whole Afro beast thing that's going on now, but he had like, he has a video where he's just like sitting around, he's smoking, talking about like music and shit, and there's like seven or eight girls just around him. Just like, yo, this is a life thing. So you guys a ho podcast? Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What sport? He was a soccer player. Oh, I don't watch soccer. That's what it is. Well, we got a, you know, Sal Bender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've also had, I've also been to uhm, some cause I got cousins as like married white girls. And so it's, it's fun just watching that juxtaposition of like a wife. Like they'll dress up in the, in the gowns and the drips and then they'll just be watching like, oh my God, these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta hurry up and get fucked up. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah man. They drink too though. Oh yeah. They fucking, I can't even drink the shit that like my parents drink. Yeah, what do they drink?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so at the last wedding I was at, it was just a bottle of Remy, like on every table, and I'm like, yo, this shit is strong. I can't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man. John Brown's the man. John Brown's the, uh, the white guy that's free to slay. Okay. Okay. For sure. For sure. All right. All right. These are all union guys. Don't worry. All right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm putting it in the smoothies. I'm trying to do, I'm trying to just, I'm trying to do the cold shower thing as much as I can too, but it gets, it's, it's easier to do after a workout. Like it's really easy after a workout, but, uh, it's hard to be consistent with that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you been noticing a more prominent erection? I haven't. I mean, yes, but I haven't had sex since I started doing it. It hasn't been like a week. Oh, okay. So. I don't know. We'll see. Mockaroo dad's up. Okay, we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Reggie put me on the, um, the honey. I didn't know what that shit was at all. What honey? What's the honey?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I never got it from the gas station. I think he went and got it from like the actual sex store. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but a gas station, I don't know. Gas station boner pill seems like, true. Yeah, it feels like my body gonna fall out. Like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen a white guy lay on the floor and start dancing. I'll show you. I've actually never seen that in my life. Next time you and me go to a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure it was like a breakdancer. That's what I was thinking. It was Eddie Gordo from Tekken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, it is, I would love to go to one, but then at the same time I don't because of the way that the fucking room is. First of all, it's about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's gotta be good to watch. Yeaah. It just sucks. We'll watch it. Yeaah. I wanna show you. It makes me happy. Dude, it's some brutal shit on there. There's this guy, T-Rock, and he's like, rapping, cause sometimes they'll do men versus women, and he just says the worst shit. Bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. Yeaah. Yeaah. And it's, it's, it's, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen one where the girl was like actually really good because she wasn't going at it from the sex angle. She was just going at it from like, you a fucking loser, whatever. And the dude was on some shit like, you get a period and blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It felt like she was just like, like a teacher talking, like it didn't even sound like rap or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of times in a battle, sometimes they'll say like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like because it's weird because some of them dudes is actually like we cool with each other's like wrestling, but then they get in that ring and it starts getting real personal. And sometimes they'll say shit like, uh, somebody said something about like your wife got shot for you and you still wouldn't marry her and the whole crowd was like, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna say it was larceny, but I don't think it was that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he came out of jail, he was on some real gospel rap at first. And then he stopped doing that. And he started battle rapping and his battle raps are not that great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's this guy from Philly though named EZ the block captain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who Tay K is? This is old though. He was on The Run. He has a song that's called On The Run. Or The Race. It's called The Race. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called, so the theory is, cause I don't know if it's true or not, but it's like rap's first serial killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just kinda, it's like a three hour fuckin' uh, YouTube documentary and they just talk about like he killed ten people apparently. But the thing I don't like about it is like it's just a British guy that's reporting it. And it just feels weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet crazy shit. And again, I don't know if any of this is true, but apparently after like they said he killed somebody, he would tweet like who died and then like laughing emojis after that. I'm like, geez, kids, don't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be a good vice reporter. No, I wasn't trying to be a reporter. You'd be funny. I was trying to just like hold the camera or something. But it was the Murdoch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it was with HBO or something. And then they, they, they, they, they, they got so much backlash before it even came out that they scrapped it. But yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when I stop, you know when I stop watching, did you watch Handmaid's 2? No, I never watched it. Oh, I watched it a little bit. Did you watch it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it was just, it was a point where she had, she, I didn't, I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I was watching it, I was, I was trying to get a joke out of it, I forgot what the fuck the joke was. It was something about calling them, like, out of their name, because they called them off-red and off-whatever, it was all something, and then the punchline was bitches. I can't remember. I can't remember. Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. That's the one thing I think he'd take seriously then. Cause we just saw him last night. His hour is great, bro. Oh, it's unbelievably good. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's so like, brutally Keith that it's like the sympathy thing is out the window immediately. Like don't, if he gets it on stage and you don't feel sorry for him at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't pull that. You talk shit about him. I followed him one time at the cell and I was just like, y'all know Keith Drive, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't beat. No, I'm not. I don't, I don't, yeah, whatever. You know, like COVID, for instance, you don't, nothing, or yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just be going with the wind on shit. Okay, if it's real, whatever they say it's real, but I don't, I'm not combative like that, but I have a friend that's like, yo, this shit is fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, and at this point, you know, I know people that, uh, not comics, but like people that faked it and kept working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, that's the thing about the internet that pisses me off. If I was Jamie Foxx, I would just not even show my face until I needed to. I think he's fucked. You do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's cause I'm Nigerian, I got all this strong, you know what I'm saying, immune system and blood and shit, you know, we the superior race, so it's just not, it just don't affect. You know what I'm saying? Could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when I'm, that's when I'm on my conspiracy theory shit. Cause I'm like, why would y'all put this out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, bro, I don't even do podcasts. This is like the first one I've done in maybe like five years or some shit like that. I'm happy you came over. Yeah, man. Yeah, I was just like fuck it. Yeah. You know, but I'm gonna go right with uh, Reggie. Oh nice. Hell yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. I gotta just paint the picture of what it, cause Tommy, Tommy Pope and I, past guest on the show, were just kind of like, you know, bullshit and you got the guys on the couch. We're having a good time. We knew Shane was going to come in late, but we had no idea what's happening in the outside world. And Shane walks in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. You're right. Okay. Wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, during the pandemic, uh, I was bored. So I was like, I want to run for admin. Like I tried to do a presidential campaign to be admin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nicole Yates and Alyssa Trishkowsky, they were being lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful. No, I had to, I had to create another one. Cause they're like, they like blocked me out the group and I was like, oh, they're like, if you want to do it so bad, make another one. I was like, all right, I'll make the exact same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys remember Emanuel Lewis? Yeah. Michael Jackson used to hang out with him. He was like Webster or something. Yeah. Yup. He sat on his lap. Yeah. He was a grown ass man at that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Webster, wait what? He was like Gary Coleman. Really? But he's a permanent child. And he was hanging out with Michael Jackson a lot. And there's a video


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's something different. That's, I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Lizard, put down your pipe for a minute and listen good. Look at me when I'm talking to you, son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked into your eyes while I watched these surveillance films and there was nothing, only darkness, like a crawling thing. Bada's Bar has been around for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a place where cowboys come to unwind. The cash you stole is gone, invested in the final demise of your humanity. Your days are numbered and you know it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because even though your pockets were briefly filled,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] American professional football was pure and real and badass and patriotic. Now, I just don't watch the NFL anymore. The NFL is dead to me because the American flag that waves above me is alive inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The joker's overrated. I went back to watch it again. It kind of sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That thing is sick as hell. Dude, we gotta share? There better be two of these things in here, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old Country? That was Matt's, what was the name of your playlist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know this isn't good to talk about, but if you did, if your family left, how many days do you think you would lay down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like for real, to catch, get up, catch some Z's. Dude, not exaggerating. Catch up on some Z's.


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[Assistant] That's kinda introspective badass though, just like, hey ma'am, I gotta hit to the tavern.


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[Assistant] Yes, that party week. Mr. Hyde fucking took over. I'm never going home. I like the party week.


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[Assistant] You gotta be the saddest dude. After those two weeks, you'd be like, I love you so much. It probably helps a little.


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[Assistant] If you, if you do release an orgasm that loud where you're screaming, I am always worried I'm gonna fart. Oh yeah. Cause that's like a, you know. Cause you're pushing all the... Everything's going out.


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[Assistant] Mine works. It's you that's failing us. We need an error.


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[Assistant] I don't know. That's a tough one. Yes. It depends how much I cared about it, but yea, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Now listen, we're talking a very nice fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually kind of, yeaah. That'd be kind of nice too, just even, obviously you don't fuck the surrogate, but like being like my cum's in there. Oh yeaah. Anytime you see her you go god damn shit. My jizz is in there. Hopefully.


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[Assistant] The whole thing. There's not a big jump there, native to Cambodia. They look very similar.


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[Assistant] I don't think I could care less about anybody's opinion more than who the fuck would be like, what do you think Beyonce thinks about?


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[Assistant] You really should. True. You should have just put a free Palestine flag on and thrown a brick through it. They'd have to be like, wow, that's fine. Or put both. Put a flag that was half Israel.


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[Assistant] My queen! We need the queen's take. Taylor's been awfully quiet herself as well.


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[Assistant] I consider it downgrade. Yeah, they're really good. Go to any airport. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. They're everywhere. Yeah. I get your file every time.


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[Assistant] God damn, getting facial surgery is so funny. I hope I go crazy enough. Me too. If I go crazy enough. Dude, I hope you get Madonna crazy. Not get in shape in any way, but just go nuts on my face. Chiseled fucking jawline. Just do nothing with anything else and just get a crazy face.


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[Assistant] I have become, recently I've become a bit of a cow poke. That's awesome. I was in the boot store yesterday. You went to Allen's? I went to Allen's. That's nice.


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[Assistant] Yeah, true. Baseball cap is the closest one. No, I bet you look sick. You just have to commit. I think it's... Trust me on this. Chris, Chris sent down all my shit I left in the apartment. A cowboy hat is in this building. You gotta put it on. Put it on! I'll show you.


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[Assistant] Tommy got me this jacket for my b-day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Cowboy has to make, they should actually make a comeback, they should not even a comeback, because they haven't really been in there, but the special needs community could get in big into it.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Just be like, I'm just a cowboy. Yeah. Like.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think people are letting their kids literally change fucking. You can let them wear whatever you want.


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[Assistant] I'd do it. I'd make a million dollars off it.


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[Assistant] True that. We should let Special Olympians compete in women's sports.


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[Assistant] It would be airtight, dude. I don't know, they might be good at sharing. Utopias. They might be like. True. They might be like, they're all happy for each other a lot of the time. True. You know what I mean? Like Special Olympics, like if a dude wins, everyone's like.


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[Assistant] That's crazy. Well anyway, it's good you guys got all that information. If we can help one guy. Exactly. In Connecticut. 1-800-7-dot-dot-dot gambling addicts in Connecticut.


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[Assistant] It does pop in your mouth and you get a little fucking liquid in there and go.


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[Assistant] She was horny. No, I don't think it was bike week. But I think it did seem golf coast. Was it for content? No, no, no. It was body cam footage from the cops that showed up like, we got reports of, what were you doing here? And she's just sitting at the beach bar. She went down to the beach, dildo'd herself, then went back to the beach bar. Somebody fucking snitched.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but she came in and she just told her, she was obviously mentally unstable. But she told her herself right away.


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[Assistant] Damn dude. She was like, were you touching yourself? The cops were like, were you touching yourself? She was like, you guys didn't see that. Yeah, she's like, there's no way. I was just like.


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[Assistant] A family saw you, a family was down there, taking their fucking beach picture.


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[Assistant] Imagine being the cop, where you're going through a bag, finding her toys, he was a chubby man.


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[Assistant] Get up motherfucker. Yeaah. Crap. He's dead. Yeaah, they had a good run.


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[Assistant] Cops? Yeah, the show. Yeah, it was awesome. There's that one where the cop spears that lady and she stabs herself. You ever see that one? No. It's great. It's just a crazy lady in a van and they pull up and they're like, get out of the van. She takes out a huge knife and it's like, ah, and then a cop comes around the van and tackles her from behind. Oh, so funny when he tackles her, he's like,


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[Assistant] Oh yea, yea. She went out cold pretty quick. She was like, uuuh, yea, uuuh. Damn, I was a damn bilber.


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[Assistant] Are these, you cooked them at home? Yea, oven burgers. Oh, okay. That's fair. You definitely need two burgers if it's at home. You do, but I'm talking


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[Assistant] I had one abuela alive and she was not a cook. She was mean. There was no love in what she was making.


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[Assistant] That's actually, literally, that's how he talks. That's 100% how he talks. Fucking flesh freckle monster motherfucker. Every time you do that, I'm like, that's my whole family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was like a very conservative meme. You know what I mean? Like uptight. She would never let, my grandma would never let her titties out. Yeah. True. Old Patty Kilkenny. Double bra. Never gonna let the titties out. Patty Kilkenny? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother not my father. Alright. Guys, we're fucking, we're back again to talk to you about how you should be shaving your balls and if you're not, that's a problem. This isn't about looking hot. Ooh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't about looking hot for a partner. This is about giving yourself the Christmas gift of some silky smooth balls with manscapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their new performance package, 5.0, includes the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra Body Trimmer, the Weed Whacker 2.0 Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, their Crop... fucking cocksucker. Their Crop Soother Aftershave Lotion and Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant.


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[Assistant] Personally, I like it. I love it. I love it.


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[Assistant] I personally endorse it. I rub it all over my cock and balls. And there's been nothing but good reviews about my pubic hair ever since. When girls pull my panties down and I lift my ass up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you guys get the performance package 5.0, Manscaped will even throw in two free gifts, a super comfortable pair of boxers and a bag to store all your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, guys, this is very important. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code drenched at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code drenched. Guys, you need to fucking support this company.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no shot you're not gonna fucking get your nipples sucked.


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[Assistant] That's some of my favorite stuff. I'm trying to make my space look cool. That's Boba Fett. He's a bounty hunter.


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[Assistant] The upside down scary, also you can just get displays of all the characters. You can have portraits of children in your apartment.