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[Assistant] And we'll be joined by Scott Grimes, the man whose portrayal of hollowed out tech Sergeant Donald Malarkey really drives home the tonnage of the combat fatigue the men were asked to carry. We'll also ask Scott about Malarkey's Lugerlust.


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[Assistant] Make sure to subscribe to HBO's official Band of Brothers podcast wherever you get your podcasts. And please, rate.


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[Assistant] Review and share, and a reminder, as if you needed one, that you can watch The Breaking Point and every episode of Band of Brothers on HBO Max right now. Until next time.


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[Assistant] Must've liked that hospital, cuz, uh, we left Holland four months ago.


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[Assistant] I don't know how I would have done that. It's funny cause Popeye found a way.


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[Assistant] The lieutenant to me owns one of yours, isn't he? I hope he hasn't forgotten his laundry.


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[Assistant] You can see the new commercial on Zoey's Instagram or YouTube channels. Yeah, I have to go check this out, guys. This...


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[Assistant] Why are we flipped? How is this something that's real?


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[Assistant] It's kind of fun. I also have a two year old. Two years, just give it two years.


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[Assistant] We have kids that are, I believe, only 10 days apart or something like that.


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[Assistant] And Adam, you guys are invited if you want to come up. I was going to call you and say when can we get down there and meet little, uh, Bo off the Richter scale.


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[Assistant] The first birthday of the first kid is huge. We had like 75 people for ours.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. I do love the idea of you showing up with a buzz ball and then like, Adam's like, here, let's switch. You take the baby. I'll just go put the buzz ball in the fridge. And then like 45 minutes later, he's, he's, he's holding the buzz ball, kind of shaking it. And he's like, oh, it's been


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[Assistant] Because she's, you know, she's looking- And Blake, just so we- before we go through done line, what are you sneaking into your wife's drinks?


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[Assistant] Okay. Good. That's crazy. I'm sneaking in post-workout. Yeah. Good.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, you can, you can like, just like, dude it'd be funny. Let them stick their tongue out and like, drag the pickle across, so they're like, uuuh, lick the pickle. Yeaah, you get it.


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[Assistant] As a, as a new father, Adam, have you thought, not that you should have or would have, I just remember one of the funniest things I'd ever seen was in Jackass, probably the TV show, where they put like a fake baby on the roof of a car, like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] And then I became a dad and I was like, this isn't funny at all. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were gonna say, I gotta try this.


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[Assistant] Oh man, it's a, it's a good one because- It's a good, yea, cause you see like true- People's most purists, yea, yes. I mean it's fucked, you're like, your baby is on the roof.


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[Assistant] Go ahead, we're gonna scroll his address across the bottom.


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[Assistant] The algorithm, it worked.


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[Assistant] Moms have like shelves on shelves on shelves, like teenage girls are like scrapping at school cause they don't have the like best one.


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[Assistant] One style, right? It's got a little handle on it. It's just a brand. It's brand equity. It's a brand.


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[Assistant] I honestly think that it's, it's a fine cup. It's less expensive than Yeti, which I think is probably perfectly priced. Uh, and you know, it's just a good product. Uh, they're really made well. Okay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I got a couple stuff. I got, I got, I got some stuff. But like, um, Yeti's very expensive. That's a, that's a, some people are just not gonna spend that kind of money on a fucking Tumblr or whatever we're calling these things. Is that true? Is it?


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[Assistant] Can our producers do a price comp on Stanley and Yeti?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think Stanley cups are seven dollars cheaper.


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[Assistant] Oh, well then, Yeti. $7? That's huge! Yeti is $65. Go ahead, yeaah.


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[Assistant] This is the thing for the kid- Well, Stanley was for construction. It's been around forever, I guess. But they started marking it to the kids, and then the kids were like, I gotta have it. And then the moms were like, this is the cool hot shit? I want that too. And then there's some dad who's probably had it for 50 years who's like...


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[Assistant] Y'all ain't got this, this, this retro right here.


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[Assistant] You see us all the time Adam, it's no big deal.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I thought you were doing the whole, this guy looks like him and then he takes out the sunglasses and it's a dun-dun-dun.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. April Fools.


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[Assistant] What a gig though. What's that guy pulling down?


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[Assistant] By the way, it'd be cool if it was seven for no reason.


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[Assistant] You know, he has a, he's got a- Oh yea, no, he actually- He has a full chrome grill now.


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[Assistant] I think he had all of his teeth removed and it's just a chrome top and a chrome bottom.


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[Assistant] He looks like, he looks like a monster made from garbage.


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[Assistant] But that's the, that's her whole fashion queue. So maybe they're also borrowing outfits.


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[Assistant] That's arguably the greatest sighting you can have at this moment.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that'll be yours. Flip up. I like how you're like...


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[Assistant] My thing's gonna be the thing that's already some other dude's thing. That's named after the other guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm assuming he has cool eyewear. I'm not trying to bring you back to Sinbad this week, but it's a different world. It's where like Lisa Bonet went away to college from the Cosby show. Okay, that was after the Cosby show, right?


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[Assistant] Right. She's like, Cosme's fine. This other show, I don't know. I don't know about that one. We're gonna go to... I'm gonna put you... Something about Cosme makes me want to put you to bed.


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[Assistant] He was kind of like a nerd pining after Lisa Bonet.


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[Assistant] Okay. And so Kanye was like, I was, it's, the lyric is when Dwayne Wade, Dwayne Wayne became Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade.


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[Assistant] Obviously very famous, popular basketball player married to Omaha's very own, uh, Gabrielle Union. Cool. Considered cool dude. Yep. Gabrielle.


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[Assistant] So it's about his progression as a man.


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[Assistant] Charlie Chaplin was, you know, I think- But did he, but did he put it on for The Dictator, the movie he made of making fun of Hitler? I don't know. Oooooh.


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[Assistant] I guess I'm just like, we, we know those two guys had it, but I don't. Yeah. And Michael Jordan. So like kind of all sort of, and we have said Michael George, the only person who could have undone the Hitler-ness of it.


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[Assistant] But who- the ones that are like, just the low pencil, those are fucking fire, dude.


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[Assistant] They kept saying, hey man, your facial hair is in the zone. The zone of interest.


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[Assistant] I just watched it. It was fine. It's pretty disturbing. Oh, okay.


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[Assistant] I know I would with you. Uhm, it was, uh, it's the movie about like, just like, this family and like, the dad is in a way dad and he's got a big job. Oh boy. His job though is running concentration camps and finding ways to like, Oh my god. Get rid of more of these people.


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[Assistant] So like, this team comes in with like, new plans. That's a weird sitcom. Kind of a, kind of a black comedy. Yea, it's a little. It's, it's, but it's, it's not, it's not, uhm. No, no, I. Yea, okay.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, but hey, there's a, what is it, Rogan's Heroes? That was at a POW camp and that was a comedy during World War II.


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[Assistant] It is Hogan's, but I wanna say there was also a Rogan's Heroes that was something else, and people listening at home, you can slide in Blake's DMs.


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[Assistant] Ivermectin! What a hard time he got for that, huh?


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, during- In history, for the year, for the year. During COVID, essentially-


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[Assistant] You can't ask, you do not ask.


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[Assistant] Did you just, did you just cycle for an hour a day and then never stretch? I never stretched once. I never stretched.


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[Assistant] Those aren't even the muscle, well yeaah, I guess the pull your leg back one is.


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[Assistant] So did you, so do you have the thing with the two little fins and you lay on that?


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[Assistant] I can only imagine this person you're hiring, like, just putting your legs behind your head, telling you it's all part of it.


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[Assistant] It's, you do feel a something, you know when like your balls, when your balls go up suddenly for some reason? Oh yea, they kind of like, uhm. Uh huh. Scared. And you feel like the, you feel the, uh, the pole kind of behind your pelvic. Yea, yea, yea, yea. Bone.


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[Assistant] I feel that when I've had my psoas, uhm, I guess you'd call it tingled. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Who's your guy? My guy, you know how like you see people playing like accordions? Yes, of course. Uhm, my guy is kind of like that, but he's holding a spindle of gyro meat.


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[Assistant] When you have a guy who slices gyro meat with you, nobody's firing you.


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[Assistant] No, well, that's, that's also, that's also a good point, but I just think like the intimidation factor of it's like, do I really want to tell?


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[Assistant] The boss, like, fire the boss of the guy who slices meat this well, like, cause if I'm fired, he's technically out of work, you know, like.


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[Assistant] How much are you, how much do you have to read?


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[Assistant] Alright. What about like translating it into like emojis? Like Jordan Peele used to do like movies in 140 emojis. Remember that?


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[Assistant] We're not the fucking healthiest podcast, we're the funniest podcast. Think of how fucking cool.


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[Assistant] Brad Pitt, is Brad Pitt still hot? He's your go-to. Is he still hot? Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Oh. Not only is he hot, very tall. I think he might even be taller than me. And he's way younger than I thought he was. Oh my god. Tallest man alive.


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[Assistant] It's J-O'd. It was a, it was a tone, a tone poem.


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[Assistant] Should we do, uh, week after, like, corrections from previous? Because I do feel like we probably say a lot of wrong stuff, and it would be kind of fun to tally the wrong stuff up.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Or just like, it's like, uh, it, the movie, but it's a fucking slot machine.


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[Assistant] How did South Park get a fucking pinball machine and we didn't? WTF?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but this is how you kind of, sometimes you gotta motivate by just, uh, really putting them down and making them feel horrible.


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[Assistant] This is important, is back on the road on Friday, April 19th. That's right, 420 Eve, my fellow stoners. I don't smoke.


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[Assistant] Adam Blake and myself, Anders are hitting the hard rock city hotel and casino in Atlantic city to bring TII nation to another live show. Tickets are available now at hard rock.


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[Assistant] Hotelatlanticcity.com or you can go to the link in our bio on our at pot important Instagram page. You are so dumb if you don't get your tickets right now because they will sell out hot, hot, hot. Yes points. Come party with us in Atlantic city.


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[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's the most important, bottom line, critical thing happening on this planet. Today, on This Is Important,


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[Assistant] They're paws, they're the prints. Well no, a tiger print is the print of a tiger, like stripes. Right?


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[Assistant] But I'm saying specifically his titty tattoos, I'm sure. What were his? Well he had the whole throat that said freebird and that just went down below and you gotta wonder. Mmm. Mmm.


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[Assistant] She's like, I've been everywhere, man. This is the best tattoo.


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[Assistant] It's like, you can see it in a bikini, right? It's not like literally under like a large breasted if you lift it up. It's like...


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[Assistant] I do think if there's like, someone has like a underboob tattoo that says like, lucky you, you know, like, if they're rocking back, like, you know, lucky you.


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[Assistant] But by the way, if you're a woman and doing that, that is perfectly fine. But also like, your priorities are fucking, you're a fun person. You're like, we're doing this. Yea, you're cool. You're cool.


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[Assistant] When I transition, first thing I'm doing.


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[Assistant] First, Chipotle. The second thing I'm gonna do is, first thing is Chipotle, second thing is underboob tats, then breast implants. Absolutely, dude.


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[Assistant] Oh, I mean I could definitely, I could definitely get back in the game.


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[Assistant] Let's set the table here. Let's say this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, six months of training just because I'm 42 now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if I could, if I could get down to like a 21, 22, like I'm valuable on a team. I'm not winning on NCAAs.


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[Assistant] No, no, sorry. That's like in the 50 free 21 seconds. Like I think.


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[Assistant] I don't think anyone's broken 21 on the female side for yards. Uhm, I definitely could not hang with any of these women now in the 200. They're fucking throwing down. The Katie Ledecky's of the worlds.


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[Assistant] No, he would chew them up and spit them out. They're not good for him.


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[Assistant] But yea, I think, I think I could, but then you, you get on the uhm, what is it, the estrogen or whatever, and then you do lose muscle mass, so at, at one point I would just become- You do. A flabby old woman. You know? Yeaah. But I'd, but I'd be myself at least, you know, I don't know. I just think it's so easy to do now. It's cool.


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[Assistant] I think hacky sack might be one of the sports where men don't have an outstanding advantage.


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[Assistant] What about the, uh, I feel like you'd be really good at the, the new fighting thing you see on the internet where like two people are just chained to a table, like one hand is on the table, and then you just have to like fight the other person with the other hand.


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[Assistant] They've just killed us. Like, the reason we watch that is because if you see, like, a boxing highlight, you might click on it. If you see two people fighting in a phone booth, you're watching it. So they're just looking for the most ridiculous shit that you're gonna click on and keep clicking. And- Oh yeah. Well, by the way,


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[Assistant] Yes. It'd be like the firemen of New York versus like Polish bear wrestlers.


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[Assistant] Awesome. It was great. It was great. Because there's strategy to it. You're like, do we just go two on one right off the bat after this guy?


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[Assistant] But that's the whole point is that we're, we're entertained while everything else atrophies.


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[Assistant] AI grandmas and bikinis. Yes. And people.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You know who sent it to me? Al. Al go rhythm. Moreland? Okay.


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[Assistant] I think points usually goes towards cleverness because when we say funny things, we just laugh. Points is like a sadder like, and even in the writers room when you would say something bad that was kind of clever, you're like, points. Points. But you didn't laugh at it. I'm not funny.


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[Assistant] What I do is I say things that kind of rhyme and have double entendres.


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[Assistant] Because it's insane. What about them? To me, it just makes me want to reach for a Zoa.


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[Assistant] If I'm going to make it through the entire, what do you call it? Scroll. Like someone's feed. If I want to take it, make it through the entire AI grandma on bikini feed, I need a Zoa energy drink caffeine from


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[Assistant] Diarrhea. I had some green coffee there.


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[Assistant] Bish. There's two things that have come to my attention. When I'm watching fucking...


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[Assistant] We're actively just deleting our true existence and adding what we think is better to our surroundings and then sending that out there. And then also the one where it's like, was no one looking at the photo the right way? Well you can swipe through and like pick how you want people to look in the picture even though that moment never happened. You can create new moments and I'm like,


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[Assistant] They think this is like convenience for us to be like, great, now we have a better photo, but it's the beginning of the end of reality.


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[Assistant] Uhm, no, but I think that like, they're introducing this stuff in like fun, convenient ways that make us go, hey honey, look, I put you on a farm with a unicorn and your kids love it, but then they grow up in a world going,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I guess I'm not good enough. Uhm, and neither is our home and our surroundings and our realities. So let's, let's just create everything to be what we want it to be and nothing's real and reality's not good enough. And I know I'm like,


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[Assistant] I used to be notorious for Ikea boners when I would walk in. I don't know if it was like the nesting pheromones or whatever, but I would walk in and be like-


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[Assistant] Yeah. Hey, it's a good theory. Could be. Yeah. Could be. I'm gonna stick with the nesting pheromones.


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[Assistant] Congrats. Thank you so much. Uhm, I waited for like a year. Uhm, so I was a good boy. I deserved them.


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[Assistant] I got an email today that was like, we actually don't have those in stock. So you're getting a refund and 10% off. Cause it's, I was like, this is too good to be true. And it was, uh, and then at the bottom of a thing, it was like, this email was assisted by AI. And I'm like, this isn't even from like a person. This is-


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[Assistant] And that's fine, but it says, it's like, best regards, JJ. And I'm like, first of all, great name for a Muppet show. Um, but like then right below that, it's just like this fulfillment support ticket assisted by AI. And I'm like, don't even say.


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[Assistant] Thanks, sincerely, best regards, JJ. Just go, you've been robo-refunded. Then my dick gets hard.


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[Assistant] I think because it's, because it's AI going Nana Nana boo boo bitch, we're taking over.


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[Assistant] Fucking producers are backstage just programming shit. Like, hey, what would Kyle do? Okay. We entered into the algorithm. He would sit cross-legged up on the, yeah.


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[Assistant] That's when we found out there was a glitch in the matrix due to it was programmed.


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[Assistant] You know how people say, like, Ted Cruz, they're like, stop being funny? I saw him, like, tell a joke, this is like, months or maybe years ago, and people were like, sending it around, like, giving him a hard time, and I was like, I think you just hate him, I thought it was kind of funny.


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[Assistant] If you hate him, fuck him. Yes, for sure. But like, if you just objectively go, it's a guy telling a joke, I was like, that was pretty funny.


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[Assistant] I think it was a good joke and I thought he delivered it pretty well. I'm like, I think he had like a voice where he did...


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[Assistant] He went full on, uh, like, whatever the alt-right cool dude haircut was for a minute, where it was just like...


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[Assistant] It was almost like arcade fire for a second and then it got like appropriated.


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[Assistant] Right, yeaah. They were like, hey dude, uh, you gotta get back from your vacation, your entire state is frozen. He was like, aww.


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[Assistant] But he's 30, which is great. Or, I don't know how old he is, but.


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[Assistant] You know how like Princess Leia became, I don't want to pronounce this wrong, Jabba the Hutt's, uh, like slave girl or whatever? Uh huh.


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[Assistant] Does he, is he in the shows and does he still have like other...


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[Assistant] And like, does he just fuck women? Cause isn't he an alien? So like, if you're a hot guy, does he stick that tail up, up you?


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[Assistant] Or do you think it was like a car that he's like washing on Sundays where he's like, beautiful, isn't it? Beautiful. I'm not going to fuck it. It's a car.


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[Assistant] I don't know if there's many folds under the belly, I think he's pretty...


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[Assistant] Okay, well, that makes me feel good. I don't feel great about it, but I feel somewhat vindicated.


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[Assistant] Woah. No wonder he's such a boss.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm talking about quick fast money movies are your favorite genre.


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[Assistant] Love the wrestler. Love, love the wrestler.


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[Assistant] I feel like he got outshined by the yes chef. He's buff too. Everyone's talking about his body and his Calvin Klein.


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[Assistant] All he's saying is that he needs three hours before the shoot, if there even is a shoot at the end of the day.


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[Assistant] Dude, Adam and his spoils on the tour? I can't even get into it.


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[Assistant] And when you, when you're the person who sends that, you're so embarrassed.


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[Assistant] Also, we're throwing it out there to whoever knows how to do Photoshop. Do, make just AI this shit for us. Blake Anderson, Calvin Klein, Pubic Mound.


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[Assistant] I gotta talk, if I talk to talk, I gotta walk to walk.


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[Assistant] I wonder if you typed in, give me a visual representation of spoils to AI.


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[Assistant] Remember the joke I told in one city where I was like, there's three guys on the roof of the Sears tower and they've all got their dicks over their heads?


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[Assistant] The three, there's three guys with like the longest dicks in the world and they're standing on the roof of the Sears tower. That's us.


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[Assistant] Sorry, let me rephrase it. Me and you dudes are on top of the Sears tower with our dicks hanging over the edge.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I go, me? I'm dodging traffic.


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[Assistant] That's so, so fucking cool. And when I was 10 years old, and I told this joke, I was grounded. How was the Ted Cruz of the plague?


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[Assistant] I didn't stand in front of the class and go, actually it's my time.


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[Assistant] And how about the first punch that Jim Carrey throws at the eagle to like start the combination off? It's like a long, like, kind of jab. Comes out of nowhere. But it comes out of nowhere, then he leans in with the fucking follow up. I always remember being like, when you do it, do it like that.


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[Assistant] End of Ace Ventura, uh, Pet Detective, when he's like sitting there and like a bird, like the guy, the mascot for the other team, the Eagles maybe.


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[Assistant] I think there's a couple variables in it that it is probably a little dated. Also, you know Jim Carrey's tricks now. I would even go so far as to say, you know every


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[Assistant] You're laughing so hard at a dude with a fucking box walking.


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[Assistant] Cause you guys don't watch, you guys don't get like TV. Like you're not getting your cable through Hulu.


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[Assistant] And she's like, you can watch it in stories tomorrow in entirety. Yeah, totally, totally.


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[Assistant] I want to say he was in like The Godfather or something like that. I want to say he was like in mob movies from back in the day.


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[Assistant] There's no- He did one spittin'. It hasn't come out yet, I don't think. Maybe it had.


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[Assistant] Earth girls are easy. He was in a Clint Eastwood movie as the bad guy.


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[Assistant] That was Todd. Uhm, the guy's name is, uh, Mark Margolis. And he was also in Breaking Bad. He was like the dude who had like the oxygen tank who like


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[Assistant] I don't know, I can't remember what happened to him. You did not send me a link. Through the like, just can't talk with the eyes? I was like, Shikadance is killing it right now.


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[Assistant] And we've covered how perfect the casting in Ace Ventura is.


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[Assistant] When you watch somebody, I have high appreciation for somebody who's really good in something that might be bad or really good in something that, and you've never seen them before and you're like, where'd they find this guy? And then you just go back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20, 30 years and you go, oh, they were the star of this movie. They were like a regular actor.


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[Assistant] Huge career, and I'm an idiot. Yeah, like, I, it's always good. I love that shit.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna apologize once again for thinking Sinbad was dead. That's gonna haunt me for the rest of his life.


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[Assistant] Hey, the spoils, those are the spoils. Free Zoa, those are some of the spoils of having a podcast.


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[Assistant] There's no way, not here, not local. He might not be a globetrotter.


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[Assistant] And me and my homie, we rapped it, we had our friends who played in like a band do like the music in the back and play piano and all that shit and it was tight and we won.


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[Assistant] Hold up. My towels! My veneers. Oh, veneers. So the guy who did my veneers was like, you know last week or whatever it was, I did a Gucci Mane's mouth.


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[Assistant] But also, also imagine you're like, there's not another option. How does she think there's not another option? You don't have to fucking go to school.


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[Assistant] Right. Just ride it out through your twenties and then, you know, meet somebody, marry them, so, and run around.


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[Assistant] My whole goal of the tour is to kiss my best friends in every city. I did PCP tonight.


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[Assistant] Jeremy Piven, he's in the car during the scene, he's just going, come on Blake!


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[Assistant] A piano every now and then. It would be cool to have a piano on stage.


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[Assistant] Take a little bit of dank, mix it with a little crank and put it in a taco shell. I love a good golden shower.


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[Assistant] Did you guys ever have like tamale pie growing up? Is that something that y'all had?


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[Assistant] Well, how do you do durses? You don't, motherfucker!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But compared to the bigger houses you speak so fondly of, that's, uh, pretty cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, how about, uh, how about, uh, BIT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wiping my ass. Because I can, I can fucking, I can get into a shower and spread my ass cheeks.


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[Assistant] Dude, I had a really rewarding experience the other day when we went down to visit you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, I have to tell you, have you tried ZOA Energy? ZOA Energy, it's a, it's a better for you energy. It's, uh, got great taste, it has electrolytes, BNC vitamins, and zero sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's made with caffeine from green tea, green coffee, and it provides a balanced energy with no


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[Assistant] Available on Amazon and at a store near you like 7-Eleven, Costco, and more.


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[Assistant] Indian makes the most fucking chug white wine music you've ever heard in your life, dude.


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[Assistant] Ow, ow, I clapped so hard it hurt. It's a bagel. Hold up. I had a bagel.


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[Assistant] It's science. What's up, fellas? Oh, what's up, boys? Mm-hmm. Excited to see my fucking best friends on one screen. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna be real with you, I don't love bone marrow, I also don't love uhm, I've been fortunate enough to try, what is it, foie gras? I don't like that at all. What is foie gras?


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[Assistant] It's like when they, when they have like a goose in a cage and they feed it so much that it's liver just starts to just turn into a water balloon and then they.


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[Assistant] You know I don't know how to drop links, I'm gonna give you a three page link that if you click you get a disease on your computer.


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[Assistant] I have, but you did it already. You've already done it. It was on a whim, it was like through Twitter, I'm just not even, I'm not even, or sorry, X. Sorry, just call it. Dude, and you know what X does? Blake's the guy who's like,


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[Assistant] Anna says she is looking, and thank you, Anna. I'm looking. Uhm, so, yeaah, basically, okay, it's unconfirmed, this is all allegedly, because it's, you know, Drake himself hasn't said it's him, it does appear to be him, but he's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the braids, sorta, but like- Has a chin strap or what? He's really wriggle raggle in that shit.


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[Assistant] Wow. Yes, Adam. It's weird you say that because that's the first thing I thought. I'm like, where is this dude's balls? It's like, I think he has it all in his hand.


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[Assistant] Isn't that him? I think it's him featuring two chains.


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[Assistant] Well, I think it's all of them together. He's on a song.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's maybe bad, a bad look if you're a substitute teacher or something, but like a rapper, no, no problems, man. That's, that's just fine. Fair enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For us to know the exact chain that does it? I'm saying what if when you go to a regal cinema, the thing that plays is Adam with his dick tucked between his legs and he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they really touch upon the genitals other than like it's kind of the last line of the movie?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta go in, uh, Barbapedia and really figure out what, what the ending meant because I think it will tie a bow on it for you.


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[Assistant] Are you going in? You think, but she's actually trending beyond what you think. Because she did, she did show up to the Grammys looking fucking beautiful. Are we going there? You should do, you should say what you're saying.


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[Assistant] Because I saw Celine come up to the Grammys, I'm like, she looks great. She is looking good. So. Okay, let's go. Let's take them on a ride. Here we go.


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[Assistant] No, cause like behind the curtain for the last three weeks or so, we have been really stressing


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[Assistant] Yes. Behind there is the doctor. Go ahead. We have really been stressing. We really thought as a friendship group that we might have to be dealing with some really heavy life hammer shit, dude.


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[Assistant] What was really crazy is when you were super convinced that you had it, we were on that call where we were, you know,


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[Assistant] But you started to really walk down the path where you were considering that you had it, and you're then...


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[Assistant] Your symptoms got infinitely worse. Remember when we talked and you're like, I'm not sleeping. I'm starting to lose my vision. I'm like all this shit.


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[Assistant] That, that was where I was like, oh, I, I, cause I didn't want to, as soon as you said you might have it, it's, it's like such a small margin that you may, I was like, oh man, like, I, I just don't want to believe that he does.


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[Assistant] Because you're not, you're not going to overtake Celine.


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[Assistant] Right. Yeah, you're right. She's, she won! I just, I uphold you, like, very highly. And I know you can see-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey. I think it was like the comparison to that because Miley Cyrus won and she made it more about Mariah Carey than it was about her almost. And then like, the Taylor Swift thing in comparison was like, oh geez, she kinda dissed her, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it is. That shit happened so quick. How would you know? I don't, I don't know. But also maybe, maybe Taylor Swift doesn't fuck with Celine Dion. Maybe she doesn't know the real Celine hits, dude.


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[Assistant] I'm sure after she hears this podcast, she will call you and be like, you were wrong about everything. No, I hope she goes, I was holding my hands together.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna skip ahead to 57 seconds and play 5 seconds and I hope we know what it is.


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[Assistant] Celine Dion makes the most fucking chug white wine music you've ever heard in your life, dude.


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[Assistant] Tony Braxton, her first album was one of the first CDs I ever had. I used to do my homework every day to that album, dude. I fucking loved that album.


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[Assistant] That's it dude. I used to jam that shit. She's on the cover just with like the little, the little leather jacket hanging off the shoulder.


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[Assistant] With the short haircut, she was kinda wanna, not one of the first, but she like re-


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[Assistant] She was a total babe with short hair. It was just like- Yea, didn't like- I feel like Toni Braxton put it kinda on the map. And also the girl from Free Willy. That's all I'm saying. Lori Petty? Lori Petty. You look like you've seen a ghost.


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[Assistant] Unbreak my heart? Okay, wait, hold on. Drop it.


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[Assistant] Dude, this is me doing homework. Fucking vocabulary. Oh shit. You're making me high.


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[Assistant] And the mood is set, don't get me wrong. The mood is sick. Dude, she's such a babe. That's one of my favorite albums.


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[Assistant] I think that was a 90s thing where you were just in lots of like, uh, silk pajamas. In the 90s. As a female artist, you had to have a silk pajamas. Had to. A music video. Did she have a music video?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and she was like, it was like an elevator and then the elevator would open up and she'd be like, you're...


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[Assistant] Matter of fact, TLC I think had their like first album.


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[Assistant] No, cause it's all trickled down from Celine Dion.


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[Assistant] Yeah, who really brought the thunder as like a in the 90s white R&B singer? I don't know that it existed at that point.


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[Assistant] Dude, it sounds way different, like this has way more slow and like has more bass to it and Cristina Aguilera is like


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[Assistant] It's not, it's not, no. It's not right. You don't think she had slow songs? You don't think she had R&B songs? She did! Well, maybe. I gotta check the cuts. I actually don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amy Grant was a great guess, really.


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[Assistant] She really rode that line. What is Mariah Carey?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm like, where's she, like, what, what is she, what's she claiming, dude?


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[Assistant] I love Mariah Carey. She's the goat. She's the goat.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I freaking, I swear to god I jerked off to the hard copy of that CD. Can we put that up in the chat? Uh, yeah, I guess I remember that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The music video with Jerry O'Connell? Huh, did she have an album?


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[Assistant] So good. And then Shake It Off isn't frickin' half bad, if you ask me. Shake It Off is great.


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[Assistant] When I first met you, you claimed Jermaine Dupree harder than anybody I've ever met in my life. You love Jermaine Dupree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, it's Jermaine Dupree. He's in limos at all times. Can we get, can we get a little Always Be My Baby? Uh, sure. Yeah, let's see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeah, that's why I said he wasn't George Clooney, man. That was my example. Right, but that's just his aunt was a singer. Or was his mom or his aunt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess what does it take to be a nepo baby? Like how deep does your parent have to be in the industry to be like, if my mom did puppet shows, would you be like, Oh, Blake's mom was in the business. She used to do, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've, I've thought harder, I've thought harder more recently than ever about cutting my hair. I'm just, uh, but it's, it means more than just-


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[Assistant] I just like having long hair. It, it, it, it speaks to my spirit. I like having it.


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[Assistant] Which uh, you know, whether you consider me an ugly person or not, I've always kind of had a bad self image. It requires you to develop skills beyond your looks. You develop a personality. It's important. You have interests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying like Drake? Are you saying like Drake how he's like good looking, can rap, and has a huge wrangler? I don't think Drake


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah we are. Are you kidding me? What are you talking about?


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[Assistant] He's your hottest guy. He's your hottest guy. He's your showstopper. Brad Pitt.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's pretty cool. I'd like to twist his nips. Uhm. I gotta see how ugly his mom is, dude. Cause that might have made him cool. I think she was kind of a babe. She was probably really beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're so close, it's crazy. By the time people listen to this podcast... I already...


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[Assistant] The fact she's with you is fucking bizarre. I'm telling ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she's crying, and then- Oh, Rumpelstiltskin says that. I'm gonna kill you and your dad. No, no, no, no, no, the prince, the prince.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she's crying. The prince is abusive? Yes. Yes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was really sweet of her. Normally, like, uh, I, uh, you know, like, we get a lot of DMs, I don't, I'm like, uh, but like, I'm a sucker for crochet. Crochet with Amy, shout out for giving me this knitted cap. I was pretty hyped on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, were kids like molested there or something? What?


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[Assistant] I feel like uhm, we were touching upon Friday the 13th. Were you about to get spooky or something?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and she for sure watches you watch Pornhub.


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[Assistant] Blake? Uhm, probably the robo-tripping as well. It was the same night. We all went out with our scumbag friends from Northern California and we were like, let's all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink a whole bottle of Robitesson each, and uhm, it fucking- And suddenly you just started-


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's not fun, and you like, you throw up. That's how it like, activates. Oh, cool. You're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of the live show? Honestly, it's like a trip. We've been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing comedy together for a very long time. Is that what you call this? Yeah, yeah, well, whatever this is, and- Chucks and gays. Just-


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[Assistant] No, there'll be like 12 of my high school friends. It'd be crickets. Because they're all like too old to go out now. They're like, I have four kids. Yeaah. But it's real, it hits hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So don't they just give you a mat? Like why are you stealing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about how does the printer work?


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[Assistant] We need this guy to give us our love that he has for us


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[Assistant] The only dude who could wear, he had like the like eye makeup thing with like the crazy color dancing on top of that car that like did that and then made it back from that.


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[Assistant] But I will say, part of me hoped that it would like, uh, raise all tides or whatever where it'd be like, so Luda died on the plane, so they kind of have to also mention that we were there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] COVID mask and then sunglasses, but he took off the sunglasses for a moment and I was like, Hold up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll give you that. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Who's to say? Who is to say? We can have all these crazy grandmas, guys. Although a fight to the death? Blondie, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think the like, the NDA for like the construction crew is? Like who got to build that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I think, I think they definitely weren't fucking, and somebody was like, you know what, I bet, if we built a room specifically for fucking, and spent X amount of dollars on that, made it perfect, then we'd fuck. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, this is too many oysters, we're outta here.


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[Assistant] I think she just flew from like England or tried to fly from New York to England and didn't make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry to myself for eating way too much before this show.


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[Assistant] Like if you were in a wheelchair, you were giving rides. Like people were just like, alright, go ahead.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I believe. I go to places where people are like...


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[Assistant] I get ziplocks and I just can't open them.


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[Assistant] I got T-Boned, I got T-Boned and Spun, uh, but the Volvo saved my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Barb-duh. Not Barb, it's not a small woman.


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[Assistant] But it's chill. But why, why don't you just- It's a true privilege to be able to, like, to do. Like, when I'm doing it I'm like, not everyone can do this. I know. This is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To that point, if I could speak on that and just piggyback? Speak on it, brother. I'm sorry I went after you so hard about that and asked you what you were flexing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, diarrhea and water parks, uh, those signs that you see everywhere now, I feel like they didn't have those signs when I was a kid, where it was like, it says like, if you've had diarrhea in the last week, don't even fucking come to this water park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Australia. That's Australia. You said it's Australia. Those are different people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, did it? Yeah. Alright, hit me with the sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So evidently the first ever Florida Man games to feature evading arrest obstacle course. Nice. Oh nice. He's still got it on. My favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I'm not looking for young and hot cause you can get that via... What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beefcake. Let's see it, KaiGuy. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Blake just has a little, little pooch in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's, uh, like sagging titties, I think is what that is, Carl. Nice, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ders, hairless like a dolphin. Nice, Ders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I don't even think checklist of Aki is still a country, but you are, you're waving that flag high. Cause that looks like he's straight out of checklist of Aki.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throw your shoulders down. You're not doing this. Just put your shoulders down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normally, like when you guys talk about labyrinth and shit that I haven't seen, I at least know that it's a thing. I have no recollection of this movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they just, they found him in the woods, like he just- Raised by wolves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sam's was wearing micro spike shoes, not crampons, which are, I guess a thing, which are believed to provide more grip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yes, it was, he was ice climbing like a ninja, which is a good way, which is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like how Kyle's finding new things about the state that he claims and he reps super hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that, uh, that sucks, poor guy. He, he tried to go on, he tried to be an epic badass and do ice climbing, which seems...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this seems like Durs's perfect movie. Yeah. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now where was she, where was she, where was China, did she have a, did she have like a hiking death or what, what did, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did China die? I don't know. I don't know. You wanna go in like a pretty exciting way. Like I feel like if you're about to die, you should go on a quick ice hike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? Like, you want it to be like, at least a shocking thing to read. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys know Fred Durst, uh, has a sex tape?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, they were making a movie, I read a script about it when they were green lighting every movie about every, uhm, company that started in the last 15 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] During that wave, I read a script about specifically, uhm, the Hulk Hogan incident in Gawker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what, when we go on tour, I wonder what show we will decide to take our clothes off for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, Kyle. You don't know. Dude, we'll see. We'll see once the crowd starts chanting free the nips. Free the nips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my doctor that I went to. Yes, yes, yes, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in 2006, for a 1999 sex tape featuring Stapp and Kid Rock. It's what a weird reality. Receiving oral sex from groupies on a tour bus while I guess Stapp was there in the tape. Crushing butt lights. Just watching him saying it's good to be king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's I think so, especially, especially if it's, if it's a bit, if you got a big one, if it packets some heat, you're like, oops, sorry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's right. Fucked up happening. That was fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's 30 of you alone talking with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you were like, you had to come. Dude, it was our crafting. It was like, you were going to get us like, printing paper. You're like, hey, we're going to print some scripts and uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And are, are printers, are, have printers gotten way better or am I, do I just have money now so I bought a good printer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that's gold bond. You put that on your feet. Gold bond? Your crotch. Works for like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's 85 years old, he's like, I've got one last thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How disappointing would it be if it's just like, cause even a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The average size of an erect penis is 5.1 inches. Yeah that's weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would look small on Shaq. Right, right, right. Sure. So if he has a 5.1 inch cock, it's going to look like a goddamn micro penis. Which is great. Which is fucking great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you, you want it to have historic ramifications? To be like, like it would be interesting. Well, there's a reason we all follow George Washington because of his 11 inch cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's a big guy. Yeah, but you don't know, I don't know, like, what drives- I think that- no, I think you're right. He's also like, he's also king of the nerds, you know, so I feel like- Well, we have- I'm just saying a lot, yes, which is weird. He had that confidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keith's, yea, yea, Keith's is spinning. Durs is making a lot of great points this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's he got over there? Well, historically, who do you think? Well, historically, then Blake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who do you think has a big cock, historically, since you want to bring history into this? Dyrs and I were just thinking, like, it'd be cool to see Shaq's giant cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, gotta be. Tony Shalhoub is, is packin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever, it would be the most, the most surprise, the most surprising. Like if you, somebody who's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not known for being a cool, big, tough guy. Like, Shaq, you expect him to have a huge cock, but like, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god. That's what's been happening to you, Kyle. That's why it's so top of mind. You're like, you're going like, oh look at it, it's growing. My penis is unfurling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're shocked anyway with Shaq. That's why I think he's the perfect choice. Because if it's, if it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If like a dick the size of your arm, you're like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, didn't they, there was, yeah, the plaster, the, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of all kinds of, uh, celebrities, which is really cool. I wish there was like, someone in the comedy community that just wants to plaster, uh, everyone's cock. So you get to see like, John Mulaney's cock, Andy Dick's cock. Andy Dick, Andy Dick. He never did yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was called, uh, plaster casters or something, right? Wasn't that the name of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Latest member of the museum's phallic collection. So I think we gotta take the podcast to Iceland. Look out! Uh-uh. To specifically go to this museum.


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[Assistant] And, uh, Penny Lane in Almost Famous, who is Kate Hudson's character, that's who it's based on.


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[Assistant] Pretty radical life if she's, if she's casting all of these famous cocks, you know?


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[Assistant] 74? 74, good year. I wanna make it to 80, that's, that's my goal.


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[Assistant] No, it's, it's, it's your limp cock, I think. No, it's not. Your boobs are huge. It isn't, it's a hard cock.


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[Assistant] And it's warm, and it's warm, so that probably feels pretty good.


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[Assistant] I don't know if I'd recognize her. Yeah, I recognize Vanna White. Yeah, you would. And it'd knock you on your fucking ass.


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[Assistant] It wasn't like... Really? I think I would. Yeah, it depends on if you're in the middle of Wisconsin, I would be like, well, that's not Pana White. But like, if you were in Beverly Hills at a grocery store, I might be like, that's Pana White.


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[Assistant] They, you know, they asked me to do Wheel of Fortune and I backed out. I said yes and then I backed out.


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[Assistant] I don't think I would win, I would for sure lose, but I would embarrass myself less in Jeopardy.


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[Assistant] Well, I knew we just did Family Feud, so I'm like, I also was like, well, am I just gonna do every goddamn game show? So brutal. What a great episode. I did, I did, uh, Price is Right, which was my favorite game show, so I already, already was like, well.


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[Assistant] Did you guys? I was, I didn't think I was going to be good at it because I haven't like, roach or something.


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[Assistant] They matched, they matched what the, uh, contestant won. So it's basically I'm paired with the contestant and I help them guess things.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was, uh, it was the first thing I did back from, uh, the pandemic.


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[Assistant] I couldn't think of a word that started with S. I could not believe I couldn't get Bob Barker.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no answer. No, because they only give you a few seconds to say something. And I was like, ah, fuck, I don't know.


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[Assistant] My boy Oppenheimer. That guy built the atomic bomb. You gotta have a big swinging cock for that kind of work. Or the exact opposite.


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[Assistant] I didn't say seven and a half, I said seven and I thought that was, I thought that was fairly re- I thought it was six and a half or seven, like in that range. I didn't know it was-


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[Assistant] Five to five and a half seems low. But this, honestly.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know if I talked to you guys about this. I did the, uh, MLB All-Star game.


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[Assistant] And I was like, if I feel good, immediately after doing that, immediately after doing batting practice, uh, my whole side seized up on me and I could very much.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was all partitioned off and so we weren't just hitting like in the field, it was like a row of batting cages and we were hitting like up into the stands.


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[Assistant] Well, because it was 15 minutes before, there was already a crowd there. They had a full stage built because there was a, a band performed, a performance.


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[Assistant] It's a celebrity all-star game, it's, uh, uh, it was Saturday, I think, and then the actual game was Tuesday, I believe, and then Monday night was...


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[Assistant] There were, there were people there watching. It was like an interactive, like, this is the fan experience. Thank you, Isaac. This is the fan experience next door where you go and you take your photo, act like you're a major league.


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[Assistant] You know, hitter or whatever, I don't know. And then I just, uh, did batting practice and did okay. I was like, oh, I could actually do all right. I could play. But my God, dude, I was like, Skylar Aston, who, uh, is a way smaller man than me. He was in Pitch Perfect with me.


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[Assistant] I don't know if I've ever hit a softball with a softball bat. Cause they're, they're like tinier bats. It was kinda, it was a little fun.


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[Assistant] From the Cavaliers on my team, I had Zach Levine on my, on my team. Who from the Cavaliers? Donovan Mitchell. Oh, Spidey? Spidey? Yeah. Dude, that's pretty cool. He was, he was super cool.


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[Assistant] Little girls, like, love her.


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[Assistant] So I'm like- Oh, is she? Yeah, and so I go, Hey, I'm from Omaha, and she was like,


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[Assistant] But to be perfectly honest, uh, I did not like her that much. She was not that cool.


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[Assistant] That have little girls. So I know about her and everybody was like, she's from Omaha. And so I'm like, oh cool. And I know I have friends that took her kids to the JoJo Siwa concert and lost their minds and they wear like rainbow colored, uh,


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[Assistant] No, I did, I'm not the one, the actual coach. I was like just, I was just staying on the sideline essentially. I was not giving any real, uh.


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[Assistant] Perfect, uh, you know, but I do, I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt cause you, you are right, maybe she just was having it, but she was nicer to other people. I saw her and then when the cameras were on, she really lit up and was having the time of her life. Well, that makes sense. That makes sense.


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[Assistant] In, at the All Star game they're doing bunch of challenges?


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[Assistant] Remember, Kyle, we used to have a coach that like, he watched some video.


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[Assistant] Of like, how to train kids for accuracy where he'd put buckets all over the field.


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[Assistant] And you had to like, he would be like, okay, now you gotta hit the second base bucket and land it inside the bucket.


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[Assistant] Basketball used to be really good. Like, they actually tried. Like, Kobe Bryant was there to take heads off. Like, when it was him and Jordan was still playing and Kobe was west and Jordan was east, that was like a hell of a All-Star game. They went at it. They used to care.


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[Assistant] And now, now it's like, you know, I feel like our society is like,


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[Assistant] A second job or something. But your money's guaranteed in the NBA, so you didn't risk the bag. But, uh, well if you're never a player. No, but the team risked their player though.


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[Assistant] I've had, uh, I mean I, I'm, I am the guy that did that. I bought season tickets to watch.


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[Assistant] Donovan Mitchell were both very cool at the All-Star. They're, they're really cool, uh, NBA players to me. And I... Zach Levine...


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[Assistant] Donovan, Donovan was the homie. He was, he said that he was a fan, so I'm assuming he was a fan of Workaholics. Uh, and yeah, he was, he was really tight, really cool. Zach, I'm not sure if he knew who I was or not.


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[Assistant] But he kept being like saying things that are sort of like backhanded compliments. I think he liked me, but he kept being like, you know how when people


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[Assistant] Jumped over the fence and snagged the ball to save a home run for us. Like elite level play. Jumped over the fence. Jumped, like was hanging over the fence. It would have been a home run and he saved it. The genetics are crazy.


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[Assistant] No, there was no drinking, uh, during the game. Afterwards, I, I, I had a drink with Donovan Mitchell in the lobby of the hotel, which is pretty tight. Uh, yeah, he's a super cool guy.


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[Assistant] It, it, it is, yeaah. It, it, uh, we went to like the warfare area and like the fish market. Isn't it the fish market? Which was a really great place called Matt's in the Market, which was this awesome restaurant. It was like,


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[Assistant] Uh, Joel McHale took me, me and Isaac to the restaurant with some of his friends and we went and had this amazing meal. Uh, it's called Matt's.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was really fun. And then we were drunkenly riding those line scooters all around and we didn't get injured. Didn't get injured, which I'm like on the way there before we had started drinking, I'm like, Oh, this is really scary. On the way back. I'm like, it wasn't scary at all. And I'm like, Oh, that's how you really hurt yourself.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we definitely try. No problem. Well, now we know what we're gonna do on the live show. We're gonna get you a bike and we're gonna, we're gonna see it.


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[Assistant] You lock your bike up at the bike rack. You lock it to...


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[Assistant] Well, shouldn't the security guard just kind of be around the door anyways to see if someone's stealing?


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[Assistant] It's social media. I feel like it's, everybody's just trying to get like hype off social media. So they're like, if I fight my teacher, I'm going to be a legend.


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[Assistant] Just got armpit hair and is like ready to go. Yes. A just sprouted kid that just sprouted armpit hair might have a little wispy mustache. Just going toe to toe with a 50 year old, uh, who's on the issue.


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[Assistant] I posted the juvenile little desk. Oh yea. Oh I saw that dude!


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[Assistant] Ders is like, this is, uh, this is just my high school.


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[Assistant] Our boy Trombone Shorty, uh, is a New Orleans legend who we had on house party. He, uh, he was back there, John Baptiste, who won all the Grammys and is, uh, the sidekick of, uh, Colbert.


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[Assistant] But when you watch the juvenile one, that didn't bring you any joy, being like, wow, this is fun. It's like my high school. Like I'm, I'm taking right. Imagine if juvenile walked into my high school, got a slice of square pizza and then sang back that ass up.


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[Assistant] It's NPR, he's a, he's like the music writer for NPR. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] He's like the music critic for NPR and, uh, it is funny to see like, uh, that they're like little office staff just in there and just fucking grinding to. I wonder what the first one was, cause it had to be the first one I saw was the roots.


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[Assistant] I feel like it's been big a long time. It's just a few of them have hit, like the Usher one hit last year and it became like a very memeable thing. And then the Juvenile one is just super fun.


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[Assistant] That's exactly what I'm saying. How does that have to... How dare you. We've covered this.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, you smoke less weed than you do, like, cause you smoke a joint and then you're high for a few hours and then you might smoke another one later.


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[Assistant] And did they taste the same or not really? You could really taste the difference between like a light and a full, full-fledged. I remember I liked the light ones.


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[Assistant] She was not cool, and I didn't like her, uh, on, on, upon first meeting, and I was prepared to really like her, so it bummed me out. But maybe she was just having a, uh, an off day, or maybe she just absolutely doesn't give a fuck about meeting me, which could very well be the case. Uhm, so yeaah.


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[Assistant] Now, now, Elliot, he used to wear the, the, the, the vest with the t-shirt underneath. What do you think, what's the equivalent of what kids wear now? Do they still wear the vest with the t-shirt underneath or have they moved on and they wear something slightly different than that?


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[Assistant] Get out of here. Wow. Happy Father's Day. Just disposable. Hey, hit the road, Jax. Go find your mama. Happy Father's Day. Hit the road, Jax.


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[Assistant] I was just saying, what's interesting to me is that this had a name before, it was like


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[Assistant] It's also like, there's like, racist, like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you what, it's just weird that you haven't said no yet.


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[Assistant] Did they give you the key to Litty Titty Miss City?


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[Assistant] But not us because we have been there. Not us, we're locals, we're Boston, Massachusetts.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, there were wizards in the front row and they had the costumes down to a frickin' sign.


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[Assistant] I don't know, because the wizards came out in that show and I don't, I don't, I don't know that the wizards would, those wizards would rip their steams like multidimensional.


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[Assistant] Chicago was numero dos dude, numero dos. Which was mind blowing because the Chicago theater is fucking crazy dude, it's gorgeous. Pretty overwhelming.


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[Assistant] The actual city of Phoenix was wild, like, it was hot as fuck and everything is like neon beige. It's crazy. It's all one color.


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[Assistant] It's not in Phoenix though, is it? No, but I think it's in the middle of the city. It's right downtown. Oh fu-


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[Assistant] Yeah, shout out to all the homies that pulled up to that show. The after hours was fuckin' cool. We got to see our girls and our guys. It was dope.


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[Assistant] Also, you know what's really close to, uh, to Dallas is, uhm, the Buzz Balls HQ, so we might have extra Buzz Balls on deck.


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[Assistant] I would love to knock, kick this thing off with a compliment to Adam. Dude, your body is doing great out there on the road, dude. I'm well done.


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[Assistant] That wasn't, I was saying because you have to prep so many, so much earlier and leave the house so much earlier.


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[Assistant] Well, did it devolve? It did devolve, right? At some point there was a devolution.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, yeah. Okay. Yes. I don't know. That's a good perspective. Right. Did it get lit AF? It got beyond all lit. Yes.


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[Assistant] I don't think you're joking at all. I believe you. You don't even have to preface that.


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[Assistant] Did you, did you pull the move where you go to sleep and the party's still going at your house? Did you do that or did you stay?


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[Assistant] I think I got a pretty big frame, Adam. I'm just gonna say that right now. You do. Yeah, alright.


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[Assistant] Yeah, saggy, saggy outsides, but the frame on the inside is pretty good.


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[Assistant] Correct, correct. And it actually was written for a younger


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[Assistant] No, it wasn't, no, it's, it's not, it's not in the movie.


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[Assistant] They're just in like kind of a nondescript rut at the beginning of the movie and they're not like doing what they can.


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[Assistant] They had black balloons too, and everything, it was like, what was that about? You unlocked a memory of like,


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[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know. I don't, I think it's, I think it's like you, you're haha, you're so funny. You got one foot in the grave. This is kind of like, I think it is that. I think that's the vibe. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You were like saying like, don't ever do that again, I'm gonna cry and make you feel bad because you took it to another level.


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[Assistant] How old are we talking? How old are you talking about right now?


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[Assistant] It does make me laugh and I have to do my best to not. Because if I laugh and he sees me laughing. I cry with him every time. Go ahead. I have to look away. I sometimes have to leave the room so that he doesn't think I'm like being an asshole to him.


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[Assistant] Dude, they take forever. They take forever. If you go into the emergency room with a broken bone, they're gonna make you wait for a very long time. Yeah.


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[Assistant] This sounds funny though. It's- And twins! It sounds funny.


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[Assistant] Honestly, I think it was like a- Well the Babadook, uh, Babadook is like a mythical creature, right? Yeah. I feel like- It was like a coloring book? I don't know a lot of-


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[Assistant] See yeaah, the Bopadook wears a hat. I knew that much, alright. Yeaah, top hat. Yeaah, yeaah, alright. That's cool.


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[Assistant] Well, see, that's what I'm saying, like, that's not like just sleight of hand, I mean, sleight of hand right there, but that's not like, but how the fuck, dude? How? You say, you say that's not magic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but could you deconstruct, could you deconstruct that? Could you deconstruct that with your knowledge?


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[Assistant] I remember when you were learning all the tricks, the card tricks and stuff like that, and I thought it was fuckin' sick. Cause I love magic. I think it's cool as shit. It is cool.


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[Assistant] You can't expect that. I really don't remember a lotta stuff.


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[Assistant] I think Siam. Siam? Siwan? Siam is like a big biblical place. What is it? I don't know if it's Siam? Siam? Siam? I don't know.


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[Assistant] I think it's the time of the Bible is when it was Siam, and then it changed. I have something. I'm probably very wrong.


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[Assistant] Well, I must say I'm probably very wrong about this, but, uh, I remember something about the King of Siam and I think it goes back to Sunday school. King of Siam. Okay. But I don't remember when Durs talked about Travis Barker in the elevator. So, yeah, dude, I mean, I guess you retain them.


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[Assistant] Hey, Frankie, baby, let me tell you about something. Okay, now say the sentence, Kyle.


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[Assistant] Derset made it the longest without laughing. I'm gonna say this, he laughed at the end.


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[Assistant] Are we the, we're the Splat Pack. Can, can we be the Splat Pack?


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[Assistant] I didn't know anybody. My grandpa gave me his old CDs of Frank Sinatra and stuff. And some vinyls and stuff.


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[Assistant] That's fucked up. That's what, we were talking about that too. It's like you can't just loan somebody. That's crazy. And also then Spotify, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now. Like what if you could loan somebody your download? You know, like you can't even. Down loan. Like a down loan, yea. Thank you.


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[Assistant] So does that mean I can't watch it if I wanted to now? Correct.


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[Assistant] Really? Dude, that's fucking bonkers. That's bonkers.


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[Assistant] And you know why they're doing it, you know why they're doing that, because they're claiming a loss on that particular...


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's insane. That's just wild. Yeah, that's what those families were saying.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Blake, I love you bud.


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[Assistant] Oh, trying to be like the Sex Pistols, is that what it is? Like you're like...


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[Assistant] I think Ders is, I think Ders is on it. Well I think Ders, I think Ders is on it with Green Day. I think Billy Joe did have some kind of a British adjacent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billy Joe, cause I remember being tripped out when I was like, wait, they're from fucking Berkeley? What's going on? Wait, they're from around here? What's going on?


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[Assistant] You could put it in the chat, you're showing it to us. You have to write NSFW before you post it, I believe.


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[Assistant] I don't wanna watch it. I don't wanna look at it. Oh, mine don't look.


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[Assistant] God, this is cool! Okay, I'm offended. I just feel like it's gonna be really inappropriate. I'm offended, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To, to, to your apology. I think it's an M. Yea, it is an M. Right? It's a glom. Glom? I think it's glomming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do have an apology. I have an apology that's paired with a thank you. Uhm, the apology is, I'm sorry for missing the last one. Uhm... Oh, we didn't even notice! I know, I figured. And I also wanted to thank you guys for holding it down, cause y'all rock. You're the best. I love you, dude. How was your trip? Let's cover that for just a couple minutes.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry I didn't ask. Honestly, so rejuvenating. It's just, it was rejuvenating.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think he was doing a pretty good job. No, I don't think he did. I don't think he did. I think he was doing an alright job.


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[Assistant] That is true, my goodness, but he's assaulting.


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[Assistant] The fuckin' icon of pop music, so...


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[Assistant] This is like, so it'll be, by this time we'll have it hashed out by the time the pot drops for sure.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like it's... Is that what that is? It's like a trap?


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[Assistant] That'd be cool. Yeah, they build the little tree house in the number one NBA prospect. I hope he turns out


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[Assistant] Hot news story that I feel wasn't being covered but by the time it's coming out now, it may have been covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the news ticker. Go ahead. Are you guys aware that... A lot of build up. Sriracha.


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[Assistant] Is a shortage. It's like not available. It hasn't been available for like the last three months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you know that right now they're saying that bottles of Sriracha they're selling for like 72 dollars. Like you can- Really? You can flip that shit right now. We know Blake knows the after-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dime bags? You make a sticker of your, you make a sticker. Little dime bags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's where you get, cause I wanted to. So here's the thing, Sriracha, there's other Sriracha brands. It's just none of them compared to what I call cock sauce. It's the one with like the rooster on it. That's like the official.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried the, the, the Tabasco Sriracha. It's a little too, you know, tangy. It's just not the exact same. It's weird. Not the same. All the off-brand srirachas can't nail it. It's kind of like with like ketchup. You know how Heinz, well guys, let's say with me, Heinz ketchup, right?


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[Assistant] We're all Heinz guys here, right? We don't have any, we don't have any Huntsmen.


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[Assistant] The disparity between the mustards is not as great as between the ketchups.


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[Assistant] Because it's just maybe Clodog was at the market. It's just where you shop. I'm thinking that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is cool. We got another one. Salute to Heinz. I mean, what are even the other catch-ups? I've said hunts, but hunts is for see you next Tuesdays. If I may say what else is there? There's is fancy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're talking, uhm, Sniders. We're talking a Snyder pretzel, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, but then you suck it and the bran- the brown layer starts to come off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And exposes the white layer and then if you suck it long enough it gets so soft it starts to dissolve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, the pretzel rod, the big ones, those are a little too girthy, a little too much pretzel for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thick and soft. I prefer them hard and crunchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a crisp. Those are the chips. Yeah, you keep saying that. Which is what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have hot wing, they have, uh. But they're shaped like a pretzel. Yea, they have garlic parmesan. Yes. They're just flat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like the loaves, the little loaves, they look like, yeaah, those are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, pretzel bites go off, like little Duncan Wetzel pretzel bites. I will dunk the fog out of those, bro. Kyle, there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't they have the everything bagel version of this or something?


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[Assistant] You know what I like to do? I like to get the originals and I just, I just dip them in a jar of peanut butter like a freaking maniac, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't fuck with pretzel buns, dude. Not at all. Not a frickin' all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you were gonna have bacon on a burger, there was usually a pretzel bun squeezing it. It was a one-two combo and I was always let down by the pretzel bun of it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, product, product toss over here. Nooo. I did get that. I got the bag from Nina, the Outlaws Netflix bag. It came with a little rosé.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they're in the DVD business now. Can you believe it? I don't think it is. Look at this. Rosé. I think it was just a piece of paper actually. That's actually Nina's wine brand, right? She has uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well, it's just a 4th of July recovery, but I have incorporated the Nalgene lifestyle into my lifestyle. You know, it's just like- What does that mean, Nalgene?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you try to finish how many of these? Like five a day to reach your, your like water quota? But, it's-


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[Assistant] But I heard- That's trippy to me, dude. Tripped Kyle out. I read a story or saw- I saw online or something that they have more germs on them than like a public toilet. Like they're very disgusting. And uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, and again, you know, they didn't specify what kind of public toilets. Some public toilets are way more dirty than others, right? Like, I wouldn't realize.


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[Assistant] Bacteria. I was gonna do the question if you had to eat out of a toilet, what toilet would it be? Like a public toilet, but you kind of have already done that, so. Cause like, Eric. So sick.


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[Assistant] Like an air, airport, an airline toilet, I'm not eating out of. Cause those are fucking ran train on. Those are like.


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[Assistant] Well, I have to think about it. Okay. Like maybe a yoga studio? I think it would be like...


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[Assistant] I'm already halfway done, so if you could just let me finish, I'd like to use your restroom, please. Let me finish. Okay, I gotta really think about what it would be then. Damn, a public restroom. You do. You do. Because Adam nailed it. What about Target? What about Target? Is that a public restroom?


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[Assistant] What about like an apple store? Ooh, good answer. Good answer.


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[Assistant] I just don't know. I don't know if they're open to the public. Do they?


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[Assistant] What about a police station? I bet those toilets are pretty nice to eat out of.


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[Assistant] Wait, I got it! I got it! Dude, I have the answer, I have the final answer. A church. A church bathroom.


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[Assistant] He just threw that away. Damn, man. I didn't even know it was coming out of my mouth. It was like a pretzel stick. Must be nice. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I don't know dude, I feel like Sephora chicks are taking huge fucking dumps dude. Like bad. Like really like nervous energy shits. Like they feel a little-


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[Assistant] I feel like Sephora workers tend to be like a little scatterbrained, a little like uptight. They wait till their break.


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[Assistant] Yes, yes, because my aunt used to work for Sephora and when they were opening a store in the Bay Area in Walnut Creek, they


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[Assistant] Dude, no, I wasn't actually on the floor while the store was open. We got the store ready.


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[Assistant] So we like stocked the shelves, it was before the store actually opened.


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[Assistant] Yeah, something like that. I don't know, I was-


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[Assistant] It was such a nervous time for me that I hardly remember where I was. It was a lot of pressure. It was like all girls and me.


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[Assistant] Well, that's why I felt super self-conscious about my skin because we're like literally working in a makeup shop, so I was like, oh god.


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[Assistant] But I also feel like, you know, when you're, when you're young, you're just like, you see one zit, you think, you think it's the end of the world and it's not everybody. Just, you know, leave them alone. You'll get through it. Your skin starts to balance out and you just have to have a better routine with your face and stuff like that.


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[Assistant] Wait, this is a serious question. Do they have, like, cock makeup? Do they have makeup for your nether regions?


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[Assistant] I don't think it's specific for- You don't think they have specific-


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[Assistant] Uh, we'd have to go sip the, sip the teat of Jack Link's jerky.


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[Assistant] No, you're Kardashian. You're definitely Kardashian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With that booty.


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[Assistant] What, work out your butt? Yes. Absolutely. Yes, Kyle. But- It's science. Okay.


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[Assistant] Alright, I'm just asking, I'm just asking. Why, cause what, you need a regiment? What if Kyle starts to get a fucking... Yea, you want me to write you something up, dog?


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[Assistant] What if Kyle gets a fucking donker in the back? That would be horrible.


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[Assistant] Yes and I, I do know that like, as far as their faces go and stuff like that, but like, I've- Producers, please help us out here.


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[Assistant] I felt like the butt was like, yeah, something that they, you know, worked out, but also, you know, the, the building blocks for good ass was there.


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[Assistant] Well, but she's also, look it, right there, uh, what's the youngest one? She's a child there. You're gonna, you're gonna develop beyond that. She's, like, these are...


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[Assistant] No, they don't. They're all frickin' cool as hell, are you kidding me? No. God. Kris Jenner rules. Hate that you like the Kardashians, dude.


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[Assistant] Wow, dude! No, I'm into him. I'm fully on team car. These are just favorite super family go. Adam's super favorite super family go.


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[Assistant] That's a good answer. Kyle? Kyle the Hogan's?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and it just like drops some footage of him like smoking crack while he's driving a car. That dude is, uh, you gotta feel bad, dude. Come on, man. Dude, what a w-


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[Assistant] Yes. All those president movies. Alright, no that helps, thanks. They kinda bleed together, all the president movies.


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[Assistant] Well, that bleeds over from all the movies.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's more about like dissecting what it means to be like James Bond and like the people you love or you fall for die and like just like exploring like the sadness. You're like an island. You're like this island of a man. That's just like.


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[Assistant] Well, it's cause the internet. I don't know dude, I feel like- The internet. Cause you can't compete with the internet. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well yes, but I'm more impressed when it's like a spy who has, is still horny. He's seen the world, he's ate at all the best restaurants, he's still just horny as fuck from Moneypenny, dude.


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[Assistant] You gotta watch the movie Twins, it gets super horny dude. That's a really horny movie.


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[Assistant] Well, maybe that was kind of like the action star kind of went hand in hand with those horny moments because it was always like, you know, these, these, these hulking males with their butts hanging out.


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[Assistant] I gotta deal with this. They made the, they made everybody, yes, they made everybody around them horny.


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[Assistant] We broke that down. It's nuanced and I'm glad that, yeaah, I'm glad that the, that we did that.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. That's a good, and maybe some giveaways to come with those.


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[Assistant] Sorry guys, sorry, sorry. Yeah, I heard it gets you freakin' torqued up, dude. Gin's crazy. Yeah dude, it's alcohol. Yeah, I drank it in college. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and I just want to give a, I want to, uh, apologize to professional buns. I'm sorry if I came at you so hard. I mean, it's... Yea, we're all a little offended by that. Yea, it's, it's my bad. I think we kind of started off with like the ketchup talk. Was that this week? And it just kind of, it just derailed from there.


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[Assistant] Have you guys had Heinz 57? Yeah, I think that's the one we, that's the one we have.


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[Assistant] I think it enhances. I would put it on a burger.


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[Assistant] Sick show, guys. I bet it was dope. It would've been. I'm bummed I missed it. Bummed I missed it.


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[Assistant] Yep, it's four weeks, it's been out for four weeks I think.


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[Assistant] Welcome to This Is Importance, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I sleep in dog crates, I've done that. It's so important to crack that back end. You think Blake is a good name?


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[Assistant] You felt it and woke up hot? Did you wake up hot? What up? Yeah. Did you wake up sweaty? Did you wake up sweaty?


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[Assistant] Things are at Kyle's house. Yea, you need to know.


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[Assistant] That would have been really cool if you rolled into Elvin and it smelled like fucking Seth Rogen's office.


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[Assistant] But anyway, that new album, I'll just say, new album's good. That's good shit. I'm gonna check it out.


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[Assistant] Couchella. I did, I did not do it. I cow check out.


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[Assistant] Hello? I wanted to watch Frank Ocean said, didn't...


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, Frank Ocean. Did you watch Frank Ocean's set? Was that, I mean, he only did one... No, it wasn't.


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[Assistant] Dude, that was the thing, the one night. I thought you did the first, I thought you did the first, the first weekend, but not the second weekend.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but go ahead. You enjoy it. You like it. Yeah, but it's still interesting. It's still interesting though, is it not? Is it not?


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[Assistant] Are you still doing that? Cause it's, it's too real. It's too real. That's a good question. Are you still doing that Blake? Are you still like crashing in your car? Like when you went not crashing my car, but


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[Assistant] No, crashing in your car. I mean, I think it's a safe thing that you do because you're a little inebriated, you tossed a couple back, you're pretty slam dunk.


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[Assistant] You go back. I mean it's- Why would you not fold your back seats down and put your legs in the trunk and then sleep on top of the fucking folded seats? Like so you can lay down.


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[Assistant] I would totally, even if I was drunk or not, it's been a long time since I've been drunk, but I would fold down my seats, I think. And that's a lie, because I did wake up having kissed myself in my driver's seat before, so like, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And a McDonald's. There's a McDonald's right there too, so I have McDonald's wrappers all over me too. Yeah, last meal.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but he's from, he's from South Africa.


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[Assistant] But they also- but they- don't they also say- You'd be surprised. But don't they also say other things? Don't they also say other things that are a little bit different than how we pronounce them in South Africa? They say a lot of shit they don't say. Okay? I promise you that.


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[Assistant] Well, this is gonna be fuckin', yeaah, no. Where you click on like the YouTube thing and it's like- I know how to pronounce it. Zla-bra. I like that bra. Blake should do it cause he's got board control.