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[Assistant] Yeah, if you get ready, if your comment gets read on this one, I mean, you need to, we're just saying you're, you're on the team, but you should step it up. Right.


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[Assistant] Right. This is a real episode though. Are some of our best episodes, honestly. That's true. You could argue you'd rather be on one of these episodes. That is true.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause it's the ones we put out regularly are not good. Uh, Luke Irwin.


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[Assistant] I'm a huge fan of this podcast, but on the flip side, I also enjoy it.


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[Assistant] Luke, that's a good one. Yeaah, these are comments that just can be, that can fit in anytime. You know, it's not, who knows what we just talked about.


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[Assistant] Evergreen comments. So if you, yeah, if you throw a comment out that you're like, I didn't get read, but it wasn't about something specifically, then maybe this is where you're going to get it.


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[Assistant] Steven Jack. It's a regular name, people too. Uh, Luke Irwin, Steven Jack. Watching Nate Lane has made me realize it's better to be dumb and happy than it is to be smart and miserable.


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[Assistant] Emily Zell, an interesting life trend as I listen to the podcast. Thursdays I'm way more prone to roasting people because I just listened to Bingley get roasted for two hours.


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[Assistant] My friends can usually say, have you been listening to more Nate Land? Because I keep throwing out zingers. That's what it's about, Emily. That's what it is.


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[Assistant] That's what like that time people were like, ah, it feels mean. You're like, yeah, dude, we're comics. Like that's every, like I said, every joke's mean.


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[Assistant] Rip it up, man. If you want to hang out comics, you just make fun of each other. Yep. That's the, that's the point. Good for you, Emily. And you should be like, are you guys having fun today? And they're like, I mean, they're probably like, no, I mean, you keep attacking my wardrobe. And she's like, well, don't wear that. Joshua Tinscher. Hello folks, Nate, Aaron, and Bonaparty. Bonaparty. Bonapart. Bonapart. That's a made up word.


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[Assistant] Like Napoleon. Napoleon Bonaparte. Oh, Bonaparte. Yeah. Napoleon Bonaparte? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Like that's his last name? Yeah. Napoleon, his last name is Bonaparte? Bonaparte? Bonaparte, they don't advertise that that much.


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[Assistant] You don't hear about Napoleon's last name a lot, do you? I've heard it.


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[Assistant] But Oprah Winfrey is, I mean, they don't, you know.


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[Assistant] Thought about his last name or hurt. I mean, it didn't make bone apart. Napoleon bone apart. I think he was embarrassed of it.


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[Assistant] I think Napoleon is such a great name that it's like bone apart and you'd be like, wow, we're going to listen to this guy? And then we'll be taking it serious. I mean, he's, he's clearly not being taken serious. We're using his last name as a joke. It's Napoleon.


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[Assistant] Uh, not asking you to name names, but you think some comedians that started in the last few years will disappear now that Trump is leaving office being that is their entire set. Like the comedian with his ponytail.


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[Assistant] Uh, I do, I think, I mean, it's going to be interesting. I mean, that's going to be interesting all the way around. News, news will be very interesting to see. Like just what are they going to do? Uh, I mean, I think media is going to get.


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[Assistant] You go see all these like kind of open mic journalists that have gotten like some credit over just like.


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[Assistant] Putting stuff out on Twitter and all this stuff, like that's going to be gone. Like your whole system is built on hating a guy.


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[Assistant] And so yea, a lot of comedians when they, you know, they're going to make fun of whoever they're going to make fun of, I think they'll still make fun of Trump.


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[Assistant] I think they will. That's all they're going to be able to do. Uh, so yeah, they should be able to shift and go, but yeah, you're going to see, you will see a drop off, I bet. The good ones adapt.


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[Assistant] The good ones, it doesn't matter what's going on. That's the point of being a comedian is you should just be funny. But I'm saying, so there's a lot.


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[Assistant] You know, that we'll be interested to see. I mean, that Sarah Cooper.


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[Assistant] What is she going to do? Her whole thing is doing Trump on TikTok, right? Yeah. Yeah. She probably wished she won. And then, so what's, she what? She probably wished she won. It would have helped. She would have been, it's, I mean, it's like getting a guaranteed job. Four more years would be perfect. Right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I mean, maybe she'll come up with something else, you know? She'll start doing Biden lip-syncs. Yeah, she'll do lip-syncs. I mean, look, she just does lip-syncs.


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[Assistant] It's fine. I'm fine with it. I think it's great. You know, hop her out and get a Netflix special. She went from nothing. Someone, I think she used to do comedy in New York. Oh, stand up. I think so.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. And then, and shot the Netflix special.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like that's just what it's called. You see Nate's head just explode.


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[Assistant] Jeppy. This question is mainly for Aaron. Do you consider comedy YouTubers as comedians? There's a channel called Foonwaws. Foonhaws?


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[Assistant] There's a channel called Fun House, which uses video games almost as a tool to make improv comedy. And one guy, James Williams is especially good. He has done standup in the past after his YouTube career started. Yeah. Aaron, what do you think?


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[Assistant] That's my, I'm, yes, I think stand up, I would love everything to be declassified, but like you separate us. We're stand up comedians and they can all be, you know, everybody's a comedian, I'm a comedian, I'm funny, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not, I don't know. This guy started staying up too, after his- You know him? I don't know. Oh, you know him?


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[Assistant] Here we go. Here we go. Really, really good imparts.


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[Assistant] Uh, when they have to tell you what they're doing, I'd imagine. Guys, here's what we're doing. It's improv comedy and it's really good. Okay, this is pretty good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I haven't seen it. Maybe it's great. Maybe it's funny. It's all videos. I mean, it's all, like, you get two seconds. Do you have a video? No, I don't. They're, uh, pre-made videos.


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[Assistant] With stand up or, or, you know, I don't know. Stand up is such a long thing to create and it's you creating it. That's why I love the idea of stand up.


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[Assistant] You create it. One person creates it and they get up in front of people by themselves and have to tell these jokes and these jokes have to work. And if they don't, you embarrass your family.


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[Assistant] I mean like it's crazy how much bombing. So that's why I like stand up and that's what stand up is to me. I do think a lot of people are getting lumped into the stand up crazy and honestly they go tour because if they can sell tickets they can make a lot of money.


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[Assistant] And so that's what they, you know, you're seeing people that have these big followings and they go stand up, which if they do do that, if they go to stand up, I would hope that they create a real show. That's all you want. If you're going to go.


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[Assistant] Be a YouTuber and you're like, I'm going to sell tickets, but I don't know, dude, if you have your fans and they won't come see you, then good for you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, go, just chaos going on. I mean, yeah, go to, go do a show. No one, that's the thing. Doing a show where everyone knows you versus not is wildly different. When you perform and you're performing and no one knows who you are and they don't like you.


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[Assistant] The fact that you walk up there, especially open for people and they're like, who is this? All that and you got to win these people over. There's nothing that's pretty special. And that's, that's almost like what the talent is that.


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[Assistant] We go after the stand up. That's what you're trying to create.


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[Assistant] Versus with this, I mean, he's only gonna, he'll never know what it's like to really perform in front of people that don't know him. It'll only be his fans. I mean, I don't think he's gonna go to open mics. I mean, I think you would see the difference of him. But I mean, look, maybe he's working on it and maybe he puts on a good show.


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[Assistant] I mean, who's going to go to cowboy church and then not wear your hat? I'm not wearing a hat. I'm not a cowboy. You're like, that's the main thing.


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[Assistant] That's, that's the word before church. Right. Should be church for Calvary.


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[Assistant] So you tell me, they walked up to you and they said, 60 bucks, you can walk right now. And you're like, God, that's almost all my money.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't know if there was ever for me cause I do want to feel it. I, like you want to, if a show's really bad, you're like, well, I want to, I want, I want to sit in that and I want to feel it. I think you learn from that and you learn how to deal with that. I mean, I remember a long time ago, me and Yannis Pappas was doing a show. About to start his own podcast.


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, me and Yannis were doing a show and he, and the show was, it was just chaos. It was outside and you're supposed to do like three minutes and it's bands and it's, you know, it's, uh, almost like a festival type thing. No one's listening. I mean, when Yannis went up there, I would say.


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[Assistant] Most of the room doesn't know he's up there. Like that kind of thing. Like you're like, oh, people are talking, but everybody's drunk. And so they were like, we got hired to do it and they, they, they were like, all right, he can come off. And then they told me not to, they're like, don't even go up. It doesn't, none of this matters. But I remember I wanted to go up because it was like, well, I want to, I want to feel it.


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[Assistant] Cause you want to feel just that, what does it feel like to be talking to a room and no one's paying attention?


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[Assistant] That was a short amount of time. There you're doing it for the money. That's what you're getting paid for. That's your job. And so you, you do need to learn how to do that. Uh, if you don't know how to do that to go up there and figure it out, you know, it's like,


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[Assistant] You should, every, every mindset as a comedian should go, I will make this work. So I don't think you would ever take it.


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[Assistant] Because you would go, well I can, I don't need to take it, I'll, I'll, I'll make these people, I'm funny, these people laugh.


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[Assistant] I know you're in situations that are not good, but you, don't you ever, don't you always think I can do it?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's all you're trying to fight for is get it to like a show that people know it's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Doppelgängler episode was on the topic of multiple births, talking about triplets and twins.


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[Assistant] I make a comma, period. That's a big problem. That was a comma. Doppelganger's episode was on the topic of multiple births, comma. And I just... Doppelganger's episode was on the topic of multiple births. Talking about triplets and twins.


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[Assistant] Not to brag, but my brothers and I are the first set of all male quintuplets to survive birth in the U.S. Wow. I believe, I believe a Google image search of Gudensun quintuplets.


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[Assistant] Uh, also being born and raised in Montgomery makes hearing all of your stories about Alabama and Tennessee so much more relatable to keep up the good work.


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[Assistant] But I like them. Look at that. How fun is that? It's gotta be.


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[Assistant] Probably gotta be pretty fun as a kid to grow up with five kids, but then also the parents gotta be a nightmare. Not a nightmare, but it's like just all hands on deck until these kids are grown.


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[Assistant] He was, we have started digging and it's, I mean on the surface we thought it's all fake. There's going to be a lot of oil under this land and then we keep, there's nothing. Oh boy. It is falling apart piece by piece. That's not what I meant.


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[Assistant] What do you say for trueless? I think it's a little bit of a conversation, to be honest. I don't think it's a blow off. No, this is my twin. Let's keep going. Don't worry about it. I think it's like, you got brothers? You're like, all right, let me, I gotta take a seat. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta dive into it a little bit.


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[Assistant] Can Aaron or Bacon Bits please sum up the concept of peer review to Nate? Man, you throw a quotation at me. I stop. That's what happens.


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[Assistant] You get any kind of, just put any kind of dot, I don't care what the dot is doing.


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[Assistant] Something, if there's a dot line, put it behind a word, I'm stopping and I'm gathering myself and it really comes off.


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[Assistant] If there's going to be, we can explain peer review. If a people put sauce down accidentally behind a word, I'm probably stopping.


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[Assistant] There's the concept of peer review. The bad part is when it just says too late. So that's the part that's hard. Like a comma that's early, I can maybe, you don't notice. But when I go peer review.


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[Assistant] Every time he talks about scientists not having consequences for saying wild stuff, I have to shake my head.


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[Assistant] Let's agree that the internet has given absolute morons a voice to say whatever they want but to get real research printed in a legitimate way takes an unbelievable, very neat voice, amount of time and effort. Keep up the excellent work, fellas. I look forward to every episode. So peer review.


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[Assistant] So he's saying that like to get it actually, but what I would say to that is what's your real thing? Is it the news? Is it regular TV news? I mean, can we, you know, like that should be powerful, right? But there's, I don't trust everybody in those TV news.


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[Assistant] That say they're this thing, I don't trust all of them. So what I would say to that is I don't know what to read. What to read that doesn't have some kind of like,


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[Assistant] There's so much stuff that has bias to it. That's the thing that I question.


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[Assistant] Scientific journal stuff all has bias. When they were, you know, not getting the whole thing, but like the outside to be like, the protests are fine, but you can't go inside. And they say, well, that's more important. I'm not trying to get all political, but like that doesn't...


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[Assistant] So we can all go outside and like hang out and they're like, nah, you can't all go out and hang out, but you can if you're.


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[Assistant] Doing this other thing you can't. So that, what would that, what would that guy say? Is there, give me one place to go look. That's all I want.


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[Assistant] I mean, he could just be making a point. I mean, look, look, if he's right, all I want is like, look, I try to find out, like, uh, you ever look up like some of the news, I would look up, I want to find the most unbiased news.


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[Assistant] It's pretty tough to find where you can't find some news that's like, here's a dude that's just, this is the facts and like go from, you know, I know some of you say AP news, but I think AP like everything is kind of messed up right now.


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[Assistant] But like, scientists disagree. They do. Like, so there's not like, there's never somebody that goes, no, that's 100% not. So they go, I mean, I'm sure scientists get, even if peer, peer reviews. So you're like, well, it can only get posted if it gets a peer review. Well, I could go send it to the correct peer reviews that I want to send it to.


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[Assistant] So if I wanted to get something approved, I could be like, well I'm going to choose.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I did not know. I never thought about peer review. So Bobby, that.


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[Assistant] I would agree with that. And maybe I just don't know where to look and see. And it is, you're getting...


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[Assistant] People don't understand the power and the powerfulness of the internet and like Twitter and all this stuff. And then people, cause people, even when they quote like a science thing and they're like, basically what the scientist is saying is, and then you're just reading that, well basically what he's saying. And now that guy's opinion is mixed in with whatever that scientist is saying. But I just don't trust a lot. I'm a very,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have started becoming, I just don't trust, I don't know, I get nervous, I don't trust stuff. I don't know where stuff's coming from.


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[Assistant] I believe it. You know, I think it's fun when it's not- Yeah, those are our peers, those kind of guys.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I know everybody's like, I do a show about Bigfoot. It's not harming anybody. Right.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, I mean, I'm talking about, it gets into like serious stuff. Yeah. Aristotle.


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[Assistant] If no one, uh, everybody, if they haven't go finish Ted Let, Ted Let's was unreal, dude. I finished it last night. The best, the best show. It's better than whatever Air Pod, Air Poddle did.


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[Assistant] That's an error, that's a fun one to go with. I think we answered Bobby's question. Let's follow up. Once I quoted Ted Lasso, I was like, Bobby, I think we know where we're at.


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[Assistant] I would, I want a Bobby Burns in my life. That's what I like. I like to have a Bobby Burns that I just can go, Hey, is this crazy? That's what I like. You need a Bobby Burns. I'm not going to go read science journals. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like a peer review of the peer review. That's what I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you folks! Because of your fast food episode, my family and I were able to avoid a long wait McDonald's drive thru line. While waiting I checked McBroken.com and it was showing the ice cream machine was not working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called the McDonald's to confirm this and the employee told me that it had been down all day. They've been having some big problems.


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[Assistant] McBroken.com. Such a good idea. If anybody doesn't remember when this came out, it tells you when the ice cream machines are broken.


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[Assistant] And I mean, unbelievable dude. That's so good. A lot of people talk about wanting to help the world.


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[Assistant] Your time is not being just wasted. He should be Time's Person of the Year.


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[Assistant] There's one about inventions that I remember that I think about that.


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[Assistant] So, uh, I think about one invention because of that show, the umbrella that opens like upside down.


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[Assistant] So when you go out, when you like, if it's raining and your door cracks, you can put your umbrella up and it opens inside out. So it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember seeing that on there and I was like, I mean, blown away. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he didn't win. Like a car seat thing won for safety car seat.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You know, yeah. You know, I don't know if they're around either, but I have one of those umbrellas. Do you really? Yeah. Of Andy one. They work? Mhm. It opens up, I thought it was such a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always think of the dryers too. They dry your hand, you know, the air dry. I saw that on 60 minutes. The guy made vacuums and then he made that. Those are Dyson. Dyson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every time I see it, I remember seeing it on 60 Minutes and I go, look at that guy.


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[Assistant] I'm happy for. Every time I go in the bathroom, saw one yesterday, I go, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you always just go, I don't want to use it. Cause it's just not gonna, it doesn't stay on. I thought about that. How did he make it? That's what the invention should be. How do you get it? How do you get the soap? The other soap, how do they connect them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get to work. Trey Eubanks. I know, but that's the, the, what's the thing called? Sponge, the spongy things that they pour the liquid. Lufa? Lufa. That's basically what a lufa is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but they, but they, they, they will just use the, if you're going to use the scrubby thing, then you're, you might as well just use a loofah and get rid of the hard soap completely. I mean, just to use liquids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying if you're, if you're like, I'm never going to get rid of hard soap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which if a guy, which it could be me, I use hard soap. I don't like loofahs. But so if someone like me shows up and I'm like, I don't want, I'm a hard soap guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shower convention and I go, I'm a hard soap guy. I'm not a loofa person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go, all right, but I'm tired of my soap sitting, it gets small and I can't keep it on top of the other one. I try to put it at the bottom. Sometimes it angles correctly. Sometimes it doesn't. It's a little crooked. I go sideways. I do a lot of things. I smash it. It seems like it works for about a day and then it never, eventually it'll get worn down enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what do I do? You go, what if you put it in like a loofah in a plastic bag? But I don't want a loofah, because I would just do the liquid soap if I was a loofah guy. I don't think there's a lot of guys that are hard soap and loofah people. Is what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello folks! Have y'all considered every few episodes doing a poll and let fans pick the topic of the next podcast? Thank you for the Clean Comedy Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I would do that. I'd be interested to see. We could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, I mean, it's just very open-ended, so I don't know what some would want to hear about. And to be honest, we didn't have to talk about all of them, because we need topics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if there was a way to somehow do that, where we could say like, people could put in some suggestions. I would say if people want to email, you know, email naitland at natebrogetty.com and throw some stuff out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you, if we ended up going like, oh, that is great, that'd be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We haven't got to it yet, we've been talking forever about comments, but this episode we're going to talk about UFOs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I'm very excited to talk about. Uh, you just want to give us something that we can ramble on and try to be funny about. Uh, but you know, yeah, so throw out some stuff that you're like, you know, fast food. We talk about fast, anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that'd be great. They get some in the way. Yeah. We'll give you a shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, so yeaah. John Brocata. Two more of these. John Brocata. Regarding Nate's story about a funeral, a good friend of mine who's a pianist. Did I say that right? Penist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but pianist, I said it correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came over one penguins playing the piano. So where, where'd he learn how to do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good friend of mine, who's a pianist, was once asked to play the organ at a funeral home. She's not too familiar with the organ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when it came time to play, she accidentally hit the wrong button and the organ auto-played, roll out the barrel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, I mean, just for maybe a solid minute because she couldn't figure out how to stop it. The funeral home director was furious and said she, and said she'd never play there again. However, the family said not to worry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all. And that anyone who knew the deceased would know he would have loved it. Especially the idea of it happening at his own funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely love the show, boys. It's getting me through some tough times. Alright. Stay, stay there. Stay strong, John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that is very funny. You know, that is funny to think if someone's like plays the piano, they're like, I have an organ, you wouldn't be like, well, do you know what? You know, you would think the general idea is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't even make sense. That's all, I would say that's all Andrew's sisters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turning around on a dead end to Jones town. I don't know. Next stop, Pottersville. Next stop, next stop, Pottersville. Next stop. Oh, that's an easy one. Mr. Pitt. Mr. Pitt. Uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a pretty fun, I was trying to think of any other, cause the songs back then are all crazy, they're just like a full on sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What time is too late for the time zone? I mean this point, I can't, I'm having big trouble. Uh, Glenn Rudolph, at this point I think you guys are deliberately ignoring the alien topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all must know something and the government wants to keep you silent. Well Glenn, it's your lucky day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we're going to talk about the government wanting to keep us silent. Now, we are going to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm sure you know, the PGA has what's in the bag forever wins the tournament each week. Since you're a big golfer, I'm curious as to what all is in your bag. Also when, uh, when you do golf with Benjamin Buford Blue, how many strokes do you give him and is he allowed to drive the car?


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[Assistant] I don't think he's driven a car. Read that person's name. Tyler Williams.


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[Assistant] Tyler Williams. Uh, yeaah, you haven't driven the cart, and then...


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[Assistant] I wouldn't even, I couldn't even give you enough strokes to be honest. Not even to be mean. I don't think I could give you enough strokes.


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[Assistant] I'd have to give you, I mean probably a couple every, yeaah. Yeaah. I mean maybe 36 strokes.


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[Assistant] You shoot your average is like a hundred and something, right? 105, not nothing crazy. I haven't broke a hundred, but on a, on a hard course, it's going to, you probably go shoot 105, 10, something like that. And then, uh, a course that's not as hard. You break, you break a hundred. Once. Once. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like a what's in the bag, uh, but no one else. No, there's no one, no one cares. Tyler wants to know. The main, I have PXGs in my bag, uh, table may driver and, uh, I use a 50, 54 and a 60. There we go. That's golf talk right there. Thinking about changing it up to a 58.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Choose from suggested talking points about mental health, feeling overwhelmed by work, keeping in touch with loved ones, worried about not being completely stuck in terms of personal goals and what you want to accomplish.


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[Assistant] So, it's something I've always wanted to talk about and I do love it.


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[Assistant] And then, so it's, you know, I mean, look, aliens, the alien thing is getting, it's, it's, it's, it's bad and around, you know, like what, what we're talking about. It's serious. It's getting serious.


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[Assistant] Never thought it looked like a tic tac. That always seemed, I never, you know, it was like a weird thing to say. And I guess it's like, it looks like a little tic tac and you're like, okay, does it look like a tic tac? I'll pull up the video.


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[Assistant] They haven't seen the vehicles, right? This guy, Eric Davis said they've seen, to me it sounds like he says he did.


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[Assistant] So this is when Bob Burns is talking about science. Like this guy, this is really a guy who sounds legit as far as title and all that stuff. And everybody just says he's crazy. There's a great, that great thing that, uh, Chappelle said you were watching,


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[Assistant] The, uh, here it is, uh, what's the, Inside the Actors Studio. He talks about Martin Short. He's like, they call you crazy. Like, so they don't understand you, they just call you crazy. And like, so I think about that a lot. Like, and it's in everything where you're like, I'm not saying this is, again, he might be crazy and that's the whole point of this, but he might not be.


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[Assistant] And with the titles, go back with the peer review, like all this kind of stuff is you have all this where you're


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[Assistant] It's like, they'll be like, don't be crazy dude, that guy's crazy. And you're like, we don't know if that guy's crazy. I don't know who this guy is, I don't know what he does. I don't get it.


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[Assistant] No one's like, you know, so it's like, and if, and when I think of that thing that Chappelle says, anytime I hear someone, I say everybody's crazy too. So, but I'm not saying I'm above any of this, but when someone tells me something is crazy or someone's crazy,


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[Assistant] And unless I feel it or be like this, I would like, I don't know. I'd like to see. I'd like to see if he's crazy, but that's very easy way to dismiss someone. He's crazy. It's a lunatic. Yeah. Don't even listen to him.


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[Assistant] They do care. It's again, like this is, it's not out there and if they wanted this to be the number one story that you hear about, think about every time that they complain about, or they say something about Trump, imagine that's an alien. How much information that is.


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[Assistant] So when you look at your phone, it's just news is popping up, right? Think about COVID.


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[Assistant] So how scared we are of all these cases and they keep just telling us more and more cases and more and more cases. If that was more and more like alien life form was just popping up and you're like 500, like more, how much more scared of that? COVID is like, it's a disease.


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[Assistant] We have diseases. We can all wrap our head around diseases.


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[Assistant] If it's like aliens, you're gonna, you're gonna, what are you gonna do? You can't do anything. I mean, they can just land and I don't know, blow your helmet. Like I don't, it doesn't,


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[Assistant] No one's logging, no one's grabbing a hold of these UFO stories.


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[Assistant] Because I, I mean, we're talking about this in a joking way and I can't wrap my head around it. Like it being real. I want it, you know, you think like it's crazy, but yeah, you can't wrap your head around. Dude, what are they going to look like? What are they? Can they fly as can they just fly in the air? That's kind of crazy to think like there's, if that say that guy is true, there's either nothing or there's something.


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[Assistant] So it's either nothing and this is the world we know it and we live in this world and then, you know.


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[Assistant] I'm not saying it's boring at all, but if there's aliens, that means the stuff you see in movies is people flying.


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[Assistant] Aliens are fl- they can fly. They have, they have aircrafts that don't, that, I said, one of them has like, when you say a water one, one can go in the water and it can...


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[Assistant] How much is a knot? Yeah, we'll do the research here. How hot is an oven? Uh, I feel like I used to know knot.


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[Assistant] Uh, how fast can the, say submarine underwater? What's the fastest thing that can go underwater? And they think they can go faster than this.


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[Assistant] So driving a boat's like driving a car. You're like, I mean, basically the same things. Find an airplane. Yeah, it's probably the same. That's what Aaron's says. Find an airplane, find a boat. You can't operate both the same.


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[Assistant] That's the deal. I think they're moving so much quicker. I think you'd meet here.


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[Assistant] By the way, that I got, and just so you know which episode we recorded it, if you listen to the Christmas episode.


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[Assistant] It's like the idea of, you know, and that's like Bigfoot, you know, we talk about it and it's like it's, you know, this guy believes in.


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[Assistant] I believe in everything in a sense because it's fun. This is way more fun than just going, hey, y'all want to talk about how they don't exist? There's nothing to talk about.


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[Assistant] Right? So it's a lot funner to think this. We're seeing some kind of stuff. If they, if there's aliens...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then maybe we are on Mars. That opens that door. That opens everything. Right. To be like, you don't know what we, I mean, what if we got one of their ships and they can go, we can get you there. Uh huh. I mean, I, you know, I don't know if they talk, you know, it's like, are they?


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[Assistant] So the Roswell thing is like the beginning of all that stuff?


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[Assistant] So like a big technology jump started after Roswell?


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[Assistant] That is kind of crazy. Stuff like that. That's funny. There's like microwaves or that's microwaves. When was microwaves invented? After Roswell.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like it is funny that so all this could come down to Roswell. So we get their technology and then we just, so they handed it out to us, which is nice.


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[Assistant] No, I know, but the government, like, it's not like the governments can eat Hot Pockets and we can't. And we're like, golly, they won't give us any, you know.


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[Assistant] It's like, how'd you cook your dinner? It took one minute. Why you all handing that stuff out, man?


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[Assistant] Dude, where would it be, where could we be if there was no Roswell? We'd just be on a horse, still. I think we had, I think we had cars before Roswell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think cars would have worked. Got to go backwards. I think we were probably at a point where it's like, I don't know if this car thing is going to take off. And then Roswell happened, microwaves, cars get a little faster.


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[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, whoa. People just started.


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[Assistant] They go, are we going to be done with cars? And he goes, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but he goes, I mean, people are just starting to stop, say, whoa. And we got to go right back to horses is what you're telling me is right when people are finally, whoa.


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[Assistant] I think it's power. I think power is a gigantic, you got everybody at your control. If you, I'm guessing, if you reveal something that crazy.


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[Assistant] Everything we've ever known and been trained to know is over. If an alien popped down on CNN.


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[Assistant] And it wasn't, I mean, you'd be like, is this real? Is it like, you know, you always have the big foot tapes and it's enough that you don't believe it. If it is 100% proof, your government is pointless.


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[Assistant] Like what, I mean, you're, I mean, someone, but I mean, in a head, you're like, it's all for everybody for themselves.


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[Assistant] As a country? As a country? As a world? As a world? Uh, yea, if they attacked us, then yea, we could, but I mean, I think now it's like, why would you...


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[Assistant] I mean, it is power in a sense, but it is, it's such a large thing for everybody to know.


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[Assistant] That I'm not saying if I was not in the, if I was ever president and you got told this information, you might be like, alright, I get why you don't say it. It's too much. Yeah. And if, if it happens, then it's complete chaos. Say if alien, there are aliens, then it is like, then all religion could be like, well, there's no religion then. Maybe people think there's absolutely now proof of religion.


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[Assistant] If you could believe that, you know, it's like anything's true, but if there's a hundred percent proof of aliens.


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[Assistant] Everything is, uh, everything's like kinda up in the air and everybody's belief systems for thousands of years are over.


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[Assistant] Everybody, it's over. So if you're doing that and then you're like a police officer is like going to give you a ticket, you're like, what, what does it even matter? This stupid, I'm not taking your ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's aliens. I'm not taking your, what am I going to pay this?


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[Assistant] It's, it's almost like, I wonder if it would send back to, uh,


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[Assistant] Like we'll be back to old, like you go back to horses, back to horses, but you're back to just like fending for your own self, honey. You're back into all this stuff.


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[Assistant] Cause you're, you know, you're just rants at, what's the point of money? What's the point of anything? If there's a, it's just like, would be just like.


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[Assistant] You almost gotta be fed it slowly so then you can


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[Assistant] Yeah, what about when those, those aliens are attacking in the movie War of the Worlds? They're attacking...


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[Assistant] So then it is mass hysteria. It's all for, you know, it's like the government is fighting them. I mean, I guess you'd want the government to fight, you'd want an army to fight them.


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[Assistant] But I think it would, I think it opens the door for, you know, are you going to go put in your credit card for gas? And be like, are you going to just get it? And like, I mean, you, you know, you got to get your gas. So like you're going to go to the grocery store and wait in line for bread. You go just run out the door.


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[Assistant] I mean, there's no rules, you know what I mean? Like, so all the basic rules, like, you know, there's rules on the fact that you want the army to fight them and stuff like that, but you want the, like, the police is like, you can't, can't steal that. You're like, yeah, you should be fighting the aliens.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean the system's, it's all, it's all, uh, I mean maybe the system would come back together, but at first, it's a lot.


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[Assistant] I mean, yeah, it's, it's, it's not, you know, we're not, you know, are we meeting next week talking podcasts and this week we're talking about blankets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we might do a blanket episode, the blanket episode, right after aliens were revealed. And then, I think, you know,


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[Assistant] We have, cause it is, why would they say into, any life would be, but I guess they're talking about parasites or...


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[Assistant] I still don't know what you want to be like. Is there, there's not any plant life.


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[Assistant] That's true, because I don't think they do, but that's the scary part, they operate on a different.


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[Assistant] I would love it. I would love to have a uniform like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, just wear the same jacket every day, zip it up.


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[Assistant] Well, it's like another, like it's another world. You know, like, is there another, is there an alternate universe of, there's a, there's a, there's a me on another world that's doing the opposite of me.


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[Assistant] That's what I was thinking, but it's like humans coming from the future, coming back to look at the monkeys, the dumb monkeys.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it's probably pretty smart, right? So, went to college, not a problem getting in. Uh, yea, I don't know, improv maybe? Youtube star! Is it Youtube star?


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[Assistant] Just talking about breaking down pens, phones or whatever, electronic, like unboxing, doing a lot of unboxing.


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[Assistant] Really took off in like- Your alternate is who I think you're becoming that we're figuring out that you're not as smart as we think you are.


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[Assistant] I would have said an entrepreneur would be a dumber version of you, but these past couple of podcasts I'm like, your entrepreneur actually might be the actual secret genius that we talked about.


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[Assistant] I can see reflection for real. Like that's, and that'd be the most embarrassing.


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[Assistant] I could see a reflection though for sure. Like you could just not, you have something that, you know, and then you're up there and it's the glare and you can see that glare moves and you're like,


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[Assistant] Just not have to tell you to not talk about it. They can, you can be crazy. They, you're, that person's crazy. And so it doesn't matter.


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[Assistant] Everybody can say there's UFOs right now and that you're just a crazy person.


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[Assistant] As easy as just going, yeah, we go do that a little bit. We have a man in black go do it. And that's actually this setup is, you know, we have a man in black come do it. And then you, that person goes, a man in black came and did this. And then they go, you ask the government, they're like, are you insane?


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[Assistant] We wouldn't have sent Will Smith to come tell you. And you go, yeah, that's, it's stupid, right? And they'd be that easy to, you go, yeah. I mean.


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[Assistant] Do we, do you believe that now? Do you believe it? You know, obviously I probably believe in everything, so.


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[Assistant] So if you believe in aliens, would you come down to Bigfoot, would you go?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think did I go to, I did a, I shot a pilot. Yeah. And, uh, for this show.


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[Assistant] That, the idea of it was to host, we'd go to all these places and like cover this stuff. I don't, I remember, my memory is so bad.


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[Assistant] And we went to Hopkinsville because the eclipse was happening and the best place to see it was


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[Assistant] In Hopkinsville, yep. In Hopkinsville. And so when the eclipse was coming, they had all this alien stuff.


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[Assistant] About the, uh, so they thought for sure.


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[Assistant] That the eclipse was gonna come back. And the, I mean it's pretty crazy to think where this place was happening. It was like so many years almost exactly after, uh,


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[Assistant] After the, this thing, whatever happened in Hopkinsville. And then the eclipse, the best place to see the eclipse in the world was Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so everybody was going to it. And then we went there and shot a pilot, uh,


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[Assistant] Not green. So they say they're, most say they are grey.


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[Assistant] What is it they say, what's an abduction? Like, so they say they go up and they think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe they did have stress about, uh, so they, they say they were fully abducted. Where was that?


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[Assistant] And she goes, I don't know, maybe in the, you know, middle we can meet, but, uh, he goes, but I just, he goes, it's just going to be so hard.


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[Assistant] To just be, you know, it's just, I don't know. It's like, it's not going to be like your normal weekend every other weekend, right? And he's like, she's like, we don't even have weekends. And he's like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long is that kid gonna live? She's like thousands of years. You know, I mean, and then he's like, why can't I keep him for my, you know, a hundred? That's about 80 years, 50 years left.


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[Assistant] You know, I can't see him, see my boy.


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[Assistant] We just get it, uh, start laughing. You're like, nah, I'm not going to say what he said, but he's there. That's funny to be like that guy just cheated on his wife, but it's pretty good coverage right there to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just make something up like that. If you can believe, like if he believes it that much, she just pointed up.


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[Assistant] In the, in other places, she's like us, us now, you're one of them now. I am one of them. My blood is in their blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My heart is my boy up there, and I'm gonna go see him every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the clouds, a little farther than the clouds, that would be ridiculous. Keep going. Yea, keep going. I see them on the clouds on the weekends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, I mean, unless you're like that guy and you're like, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've had a relationship. I have, there's someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think you have to tell your, your family. And some friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. How do you go public with it? This podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Email naitlandatneighborhood.com. We'll let you go public. We'll take you public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think you have to go. Yeaah, I don't know. I don't know if you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think right now it's a lot easier than the other. Like, you know, right now, if you're like, oh, I came, I was abducted. I talked about it in 2020. The guy in 1970 was like, come on, give me a break. Like, you know, they, I got shot at when I said it. Like people, it ruined my whole life. 2020, I mean, you, I mean, you probably have your own show.


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[Assistant] But it's, yeah, it would, yeah, I don't, I don't, but I don't, you know.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you even would believe it, sometimes in your own head. You could think, your mind is pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they talk about, your mind playing tricks and like, you know, the idea of your mind can do makeup, just anything.


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[Assistant] It's crossed my mind. I don't discredit them, but I mean they're, I don't believe that they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't throw share, you don't throw, like, we also do some other stuff. We're also fun. You don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to give them like classical, you go, by the way, we have a pretty good time. I know you're going to hear this music of just this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna hear classical music, waves crashing, babies crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think if someone finds it in a thousand years, they, they, they figure this out pretty quick. Yeah. I mean, how, I mean, we're talking about this on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Airwaves that are going to just everybody's cars and, uh, they're watching on TVs at home. Like you know how far advanced we are in a thousand years. If those doofuses can't trace back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Technology, where, where are they at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Like our, like we planet, our planet hits, Earth hits their planet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, yeah, we're giving them something to go. That's what's going on down there. These idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they're gonna dissect the, like the, you know, what we sinned on. What is it all on? It's just in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do think everybody in space would be smarter than us. That is pretty crazy, dude. Like you just automatically go, well, they gotta be smarter than us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if there's a chance, what if we are the smartest ones and it's just animals? So basically just like animals out there. So you go out and like a dog, a dog pulls up on a spaceship and you're like, Oh God. And then just, you know, and he's like, he's like looking at the window.


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[Assistant] Why didn't they put one in the voyage? It's only been 30 years. Put a bunch of bananas on there and say, here you go. Just have fun. Have at it. Just send the monkey out to, all that stuff will be just tore up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that's someone trying to overly brag. That.


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[Assistant] That doesn't, you know, that's like trying to be, you know, a guy, it's a guy that works at the pyramids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does tours, he goes, you know, they couldn't even do this today. And you get out, dude, everybody, I can drive, my hotel looks better than this.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of numbers to be exact and our main thing is there. You know what I mean? Like it's not, you're not at a 7-Eleven going, you can believe this 7-Eleven right? You're at the main thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To let us know that, hey, we can build stuff and we build stuff quick. Aliens are basically trying to get contracting work and they go, you want something done? You want it done quick? Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if it was like three circles sitting in it, like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stonehenge, have I been to Stonehenge? No, I've never been to Stonehenge. People think that's Aliens too, right? They used to. I do want to go see this stuff. Where is Stonehenge? It's in England. Never. Never been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So nothing could move. Oh, they're being like, how could they get moved there? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How? We couldn't even do that now, man. Couldn't even lift them now. How did they figure it out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You know, when I went to, uh, I was, when I went to Iraq and we went to, uh, Abraham, Prophet Abraham, the house he lived at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a guy would take us there, and they were trying to get, uh, the Pope to come bless it. Because it was where, it was before Abraham went marching through Egypt, and it was, uh, where he lived. And it's the floors are the same floors he walked on, and they've kind of re-had, the guy had to redo the stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no one's been there. So we walked on the floors, we walked, and I'm not told the guy, I go, dude, if this was anywhere else, like you wouldn't be allowed to get within a hundred feet of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, it's like such a historical thing in this, but this guy, like no one, it's out in the middle. There's just so much stuff that's so historical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's right there because you're just out in the middle of nowhere and you're like, no one's coming out there. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it? Yea, right there. Abram and Islam. It looked like that. Abram's house, exactly that. Yep. I've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, yeaah, cause that, that thing is right next to it. What is it? Abram is, walk up those steps. Oh, these right here? That was like built, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna be kneeling down before it. Aaron's the brains though. Well, I used to think so. And I know he went to Notre Dame, but I think he got too caught up in that. I don't think he's too caught up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you know, I think I would, I think I'm the greatest average American. So I would need to, if he wants to meet the US of A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have been sent up in that Voyager. They should have sent me up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could be a big, I know. Imagine the millions of years and on the news is another world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's going, we are about to get hit by some spaceship that's going to ruin earth.


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[Assistant] That's what's on the planet right now. They're crying, families, the world, their world's going to end because we just shoved a spaceship, offense.


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[Assistant] Cause it's about to crash into their world. And we have Mozart.


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[Assistant] That's how far away they are. They didn't know. They didn't know. Yeah. Earth's a popular name for a place to be called Earth. Yeah. It makes sense. It makes too much sense. So other places would be called Earth.


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[Assistant] Alright, UFOs. We did it. We did the UFOs. Was that it? That was it, right? There's probably way more.


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[Assistant] All right. We're up to another aliens. Yeah. All right, everybody. Thank you guys for listening. As usual, uh, comments, all that stuff you're doing all day.


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[Assistant] When did we meet? Maybe, uh, I'll put it at like 10 years. No way. I've been doing comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I met you, I met you actually six months into doing comedy at a show I hosted.


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[Assistant] Yeah, over the weekend we were just talking, I mean talking back and forth about comedy and just like, you know, things that you know but it's good to like hear again, like just transitions of jokes, how to get to one joke to the other just seamlessly. Just hearing that again, it's like alright, yeah, just focusing on little aspects of comedy by just talking about it even though you know it, it's good to hear again. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they would do a thing, I mean comics do this all the time and I hate it but it would be, uh, how's that for a transition? You know, like when it's that and that's their cut and that's what they keep in instead of just finding a way to piece it together.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think late night sets help that a ton because there are five minutes of jokes that


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[Assistant] Maybe you weren't putting in that order until that late night said, and then you're just connecting the dots and you didn't even think that it could connect that way. And then, you know, you've done a lot of them. So you've, you've experienced where, yeah, I'll find a way because.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you could connect anything somehow by just, you know, you just start thinking about it. I think the hardest thing is just starting a set. Like what do I, I don't even know what to say to people. Like even, you know, walking into a room is hard, that's hard enough, but like then walking in front of an audience, just saying something that's like interesting right off the top. I just feel they're looking at me like, oh, this guy, it's not this guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was the coolest part about it was, uh, he was there. Now he's not there. Left the show after I was- Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, he was the coolest one. Yeaah, out of anybody, I mean, you, I mean, obviously I, I mean, I grew up listening to him and then he, uh, you know, he looks at comedy like a comic. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] You know, he didn't do stand up, but he, he loves it. Yeah. And he loves comedians. I appreciate a good written joke.


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[Assistant] A little bit, yeah, a little bit backstage, but they kind of just usher the judges like in and out and they're in a bubble. And that was before COVID, it's like they knew. They knew.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think he would. Yeah, I mean, yeah, he, uh, he liked comedy.


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[Assistant] So he was, uh, I think, you know, I think at the end of the day, it's like after doing that show.


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[Assistant] Getting his, uh, you know, approval was the coolest part. The other ones, it's like, you know, Heidi Klum was a person who would, she would criticize my act after. And it's like, English isn't even your first language. You're not getting my humor. Yeah, it makes sense. This isn't what you know. You don't know this. I wear high heels.


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[Assistant] New Jersey Performing Arts Center. And it was, it's you and, you know, what, uh, I would say that day maybe like a thousand people, but then they have it going on for like a week straight.


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[Assistant] It wasn't like a blind like submission, which is, and people can get farther that way because they do have producers look at your tapes at least on that show. So, but in this case I sent it to a producer.


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[Assistant] That reached out to me because I guess they saw my Conan and then from there I was able to just jump the initial process which I think the initial process is you go into a room and then you just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was, if you're a comic, you just do your set in front of like one person, in front of a tape, which is obviously super hard and not hearing laughs for anybody involved, anybody picking the talent. It's almost impossible to get back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I did the show at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center and you're in front of the four judges. And this was a, it was, it was a bad setup because it was at like 2 PM on like a Monday and they had in New Jersey Performing Arts Center, I think it seats like 3,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this probably had maybe like 250 people in there and you know, it got laughs and you know, I guess they had the audience mic so it sounded well.


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[Assistant] When you're up on stage, it's like you're not hearing, you know, a crazy amount of laughter, but the judges gave me, you know, all check marks and then I was able to move on to, to the next level, which was just, uh, it was like four rounds of stuff, like, or five rounds of stuff until you get to the finals. And, uh, the next round was like a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like only, I think like four people make it and I was able to go from there and then from there the live shows, which are at Radio City.


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[Assistant] So I did that and then, yeaah, went, uh, from there, did, there was another audition that was in Long Island. Or not an audition, but, uh, another taping in Long Island.


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[Assistant] But on top of that, it's live. So, I mean, it's just like an outer body experience of like, uh, you rehearse your set non-stop and uh, it's only, you know, there's like two and a half minutes that you're doing, but you're hoping you don't flub anything.


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[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, it's crazy, I mean the amount of pressure is...


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[Assistant] Then I'm like, oh, I advanced. She's like, oh good, you know, like that. Like, and then from there, it's just, I'm doing a live show and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, from like doing all like their random shoots during the day because they always put like together like a whole package right before your, your performance.


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[Assistant] Exactly. So yeaah, we, uh, you know, I did that and, you know, I think they were, they were so pissed that I didn't tell them. I'm like, yeaah, I'm sorry, like, my wife just wanted to have a normal wedding without, you know, they would have wanted cameras there. I mean, I probably would have won America's Got Talent now that I'm thinking about it.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, it was, uh, it was just crazy to, that whole experience and I remember, I mean, so the semi-finals to the final, the finals will end up being two days after, uh, my wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the semi-finals it came down to like I was a final selection where it was right before the show was about to end like the last minute of the show and it's either between me and this like, uh, like illusionist group or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they have like the spotlights and they, they, they voted and it's like, it's so close. We're going to have to go to, you know, a audience vote online.


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[Assistant] I have it on video because we had a videographer, so I'm going to get that speech so we can play it somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks. Yeah, I mean, I definitely do a ton of spots. I mean, in New York now, there's not a lot going on, but yeah, it's nice that, uh, you know, it's weird when you hear somebody be like, Oh, I hear you on a podcast. I like watch your material.


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[Assistant] When you're like, wow, yeah, I've been doing it 13 years, but yeah, I remember meeting you and everything. You know, it's cool. And I remember, you know, Nate talking about, yeah. So it's, it's so weird when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you look at like a comedian tree kind of like, I was thinking of this, it was just like all your friends. It's like everybody's from all over. Like funny comes from.


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[Assistant] No, they never said it. Yeah, it wasn't part, yeah, they didn't. I mean, after that, they were like,


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[Assistant] Yeaah, totally. I mean, my con stories all involve sports and then the, uh, the article on Sports Illustrated that I wrote was back when it was all surrounded around like the, uh, the last dance when Michael Jordan, uh, came out, when they came out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was wild. So I, yeah, I released these pictures that I had where there were all these pictures where my mom took, uh, had these pictures in a box. So I never shared them with anybody until...


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[Assistant] Uh, the last dance came and I first made an Instagram post and then I sent them into Sports Illustrated for Kids once they found out about the story, but...


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[Assistant] Between the years of, uh, starting in like 92, 90, like 93 like that.


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[Assistant] Like NBA, uh, NHL season, my dad and I started going to Madison Square Garden and we'd go.


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[Assistant] And this was his idea initially because I was a subscriber to Sports Illustrated for Kids. Uh, he would say that I was a writer for Sports Illustrated for Kids and he was my photographer. He wouldn't even go as my father.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I love. Exactly. And so we would, uhm, he would do everything that, you know, he was supposed to. He would reach out to whoever was head of PR at the garden, let them know that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a reporter and a photographer for Sports Oshira for kids was gonna head to the game. And when we would get to, uh, the garden, we'd be there for shoot around or, you know, for, for the Rangers or for the Knicks and we'd have press passes waiting for us already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being, you know, getting a job or applying for a job at Sports Illustrated.


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[Assistant] Uh, and so he was able to bypass people to even have them even think that this was a scam.


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[Assistant] And you know, the main story that I talked about in Sports Illustrated was I was at Jordan's double nickel game. Very hard ticket to get. We didn't have tickets. We went to the game. I sat fourth row. My dad sat on the court the entire game. I was basically with Bill Murray.


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[Assistant] Uhm, time broke off and like Phil Donahue, like that was like my section, my boys.


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[Assistant] Well, I was like this pro, almost like, I think they looked at me as almost like, oh, it's like a kind of like little journalist prodigy over here. And you know that this is all fake at the, even at this age. 100%. You know, like my dad's just making this stuff up. But it was, you know, like we, so we would go to these games and everything and I'll definitely get into the story about the double nickel game, which is where I met them. But, um,


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[Assistant] He was always a quick talker so he'd make friends with people, you know, like the guy at the pizzeria. My dad owned a phone business so he could fix phone lines and I'm sure he'd tap phone lines too and everything like that.


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[Assistant] He would, he would do phone lines if somebody had, uh, phone trouble at a pizza place and we'd go to those pizza places and just eat for free.


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[Assistant] And my dad, I'm sure it still charged them, but he was just this friendly guy, like, oh, can my son get a slice of pizza? And, you know, he worked there. So at, you know, uh, you know, for a little while, so we'd always get free slices of pizza at a local pizza place and, you know, just different ways that he would cut corners and, um, and, and he'd always, that was kind of the life that he lived.


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[Assistant] And so, as far as the Jordan double nickel game goes, we were there and...


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[Assistant] This is in 1995 and out of all the years that we've been doing, we've been doing probably about like two and a half, three years at this point doing this scam.


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[Assistant] We never ran into anybody from Sports Illustrated for Kids, but at this game, the actual Sports Illustrated for Kids was there. Then, Sports Illustrated for Kids back then, they didn't have a kids reporter, so it was two adults. It was an adult writer and an adult photographer. You're making them more legit.


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[Assistant] Then, you know, sat where I sat in my fourth row seat, my dad sat on the floor when, by the time the game ended.


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[Assistant] We just kind of bum rush to security so we could get into the locker room before they could get in. Cause everybody wanted to go in and interview Michael Jordan after you just scored 55 points. And there was a huge line. They were behind us. We get in.


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[Assistant] And I'm like walking through the locker room and before I know it, I'm getting pulled into a private room that I guess my dad.


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[Assistant] Uh, talked to a security guard, found out that Michael Jordan was in a private room with just him and Phil Jackson and...


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[Assistant] A couple other assistant coaches and we go into this room and I sit down and I asked Michael Jordan, uh, I had three questions that I wanted to ask him and I only remembered asking him like, what's your favorite food? Cause I was just so nervous, you know, meeting Michael Jordan and we took a picture.


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[Assistant] And, uh, just like Nate. That's the only question I've ever asked Nate too. And, uh, I go out in the hallway and meet Scottie Pippen. Um, I had a picture with Phil Jackson too. And then after, yeah, there's Nate and Phil.


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[Assistant] After that, uhm, you know, I'm super happy. Got to meet him. Got that great picture with Michael Jordan. We're walking out.


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[Assistant] And the actual Sports Illustrated for kids, they were still trying to get in. They still couldn't get in. So we, you know, his story, my dad's, you know, Khan was so good and he's such a good talker that even with actual credentials, you know, people weren't able to get in and he was able to, you know, put us through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, all that, uh, knowing that he's able to get out of a lot of jams that he's, that he's been in. And, you know, he would...


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[Assistant] They knew it because I would show them pictures, but I couldn't tell them how I met Jordan. It would always come down to my dad knew somebody at the garden.


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[Assistant] Something like that. So that was our end to, to, you know, show people like what we did, but I can never be like, if I had any pictures that were, some of the pictures I have press credentials on, those are pictures I wouldn't show anybody.


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[Assistant] Well yea, but I mean, it's your, your back story. You have to kind of think what they would possibly ask. Definitely not get too crazy on details, but it was, you know, think of the scam that we did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a kid, my dad's a photographer. It's so simple. Once you start putting so many different layers on a scam, that's how you're gonna get caught, I think. So kind of making it definitely as simple as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad, you know, something he would probably do would be, you know, he had to have those cards and be like, yeah, I'm sorry. My boss though is he's in at the game over here too. So if you want to talk to him, here you go. But people didn't doubt it whatsoever. Yeah. There would be like some delay, you know, holdups of us possibly getting into a locker room, but we never had a problem getting into a locker room. And.


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[Assistant] You know, I was, I was telling you and I mean you're, I guess you're a hockey guy now a little bit because of Nashville, the Predators, but I was at the Rangers, game one, game five and game seven, Stanley Cup, no tickets, game seven, I sat glass, I went into the locker room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, my dad, always easy, you know, could always find a way to get us in. This guy walks by and this is when people had rolls of film and he, he goes, I don't have any film. And he saw my dad with his camera and he goes, any, like any chance I could have a roll of film. My dad goes, yeah, you could have a roll of film if you could get my son into this party. And I just walked in with this strange guy.


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[Assistant] It's probably at this point like two in the morning and my dad.


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[Assistant] But he, uh, yeaah, he got in and then we were there and I just remembered driving home and I'm, you know, 11 years old. It's probably six in the morning at this point and we lived in Long Island so it's about an hour back.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it presented me with a different life in a way where I was able to meet people who really accomplished stuff that almost seemed unreachable.


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[Assistant] And also, of course, I mean, obviously I know how to lie if I wanted to. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think he liked accomplishing the, well, I being accomplished was like a nice check mark for him. He's like, I did it again. I did it again. I'm successful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calls up, finds out, you know, where they're staying and they're staying at this Marriott. Calls up, says that he's their chauffe- that he's Marilyn Mew's chauffeur.


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[Assistant] I don't know how he got, you know, Marilyn Mew's room numbers, probably using an alias or whatever, and found out uhm, what time Marilyn Mew, by posting this show over, found out what time Marilyn Mew was gonna come downstairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for his, to, to take him to the golf tournament. And once he knew that, he then followed that up with a call as Sports Illustrated for Kids asking if he could do like a 15 minute interview.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before his, uh, chauffeur arrives and he knew the time now. So it was like, Oh, can you meet me at like 7 45 when you know, we're meeting at 8 AM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How still? And uh, then I, after the interview, I had Marilyn Muse sign a couple of autographs.


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[Assistant] And my dad's like, why don't you walk Marylin Mew out to his, uh, his car. And so we took this like long walk and he was just talking hockey with me and telling me, you know, work hard and all that, you know, all that stuff.


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[Assistant] I wasn't nervous. I kind of got, I was nervous more meeting them than not getting caught whatsoever. Yeah, getting caught was not a thing because y'all never got caught.


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[Assistant] I uh, became 38. It was like, by the time I was 14, I didn't want to keep on lying. It became a thing, it becomes a little bit draining and my dad again, this is every, you know, he was doing this in


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, business, he, uh, owned this payphone company and one of his things that he did was he would pose that he worked for AT&T. He was big on posing. So he posed, he, he posed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. So he posed as a worker for AT&T and his thing was he would put in pay phones in different businesses and they thought they were getting


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[Assistant] And eventually he got caught up where AT&T found out about this. This is the craziest story, but to me this blows away the Sports Illustrated. They found out that he was uhm, and this has been fact checked by a cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They found out that my dad was posing for AT&T. They sent him a whole bunch of cease and desist letters. My dad just kept on ignoring it.


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[Assistant] Eventually the feds came to my house to like investigate and check all my dad's paperwork and they started, this is when I was about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I say 12 years old. They started taking a whole bunch of boxes outside of my house. I was home at the time. My dad told me to come downstairs in my pajamas and he gave me, uh, one of my dad's hats that said like AT&T on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wound up calling my cousin saying like, I'm in like some deep crap here, like, I don't want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they all, they all think these companies think that they were hiring AT&T and


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[Assistant] So, so, and my cousin has said this, he goes, yeah, exactly, exactly. And I, my cousin goes, I wouldn't put, put it past your dad. I don't know a hundred percent if this is true, but I wouldn't put it past your dad that he got into that evidence room somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether somebody he knows or he was able to break his way out and was able to get that stuff out of there.


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[Assistant] I don't know why I don't say it. I mean, part of, I think it's so out there of, of a story of like figuring it out of where to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're telling you a story. It's like, I'm just like this guy. I mean, you're making up so many details. Like I could, you know, it's just, I've been around the best. So I was trained by the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she goes, well, uhm, uh, actually we were just in, uh, Normandy together. Where's Normandy by the way? France. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she was in Normandy with him because my dad was taking, uh, he took I guess the World War II vets to Normandy to like fly over and like see it after not being there for whatever like 75 years. I don't know if that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually, I know he still has our old house, our old house, which is in Long Island. It's, uh, yeah, he lives there. And as far as, as much as I know, and maybe, you know, knowing him, he probably has like another house or two somewhere. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, so. And he's never, so he's never gone to jail? Never? Yeah. You know, hasn't done time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kept it small enough where he wasn't, he didn't get caught. It's almost like if you keep it small enough, it's not a, if you did get caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would take 100% of the money and then tell them that, yeah, your furniture was delivered. And back in the eighties, you would have to go through so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, you know, but that taught me, you know, knowing how to get from point A to point B. It's like, there's always a solution to find, like I would steal exams. I stole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, we, there was exams, an exam at 10am and an exam at


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[Assistant] Like, uh, 4pm in this, uh, big lecture hall. And one thing they would do is they would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alphabeticalize the, all the exams and put them out and my class was at 4pm so I would go into the 10am class, take a random test right off, like right off the desk and then I'd have about 6 hours to have somebody complete it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'd go into the four PM with all the answers already and they would just think that, oh, we just screwed up. We didn't put this person's, you know, test out there. And I was able to, I still to test in at the university at Buffalo midterm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, his name was Dean Sharpertier. He's an English teacher. He was giving me bad grades, like, throughout, uh, class. And granted, I'm not the best at English. I probably used some words that didn't even make sense today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went to his boss, the dean of students, uh, dean of faculty to, uh, be like, Hey, all these kids signed it. This guy's obviously grading people unfair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that guy goes, you know, it's like, I'll look, I'll look into it. Like, and next thing I know that, uh, teacher.


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[Assistant] I just plagiarize the crap out of it. Because I know, I just put this guy through hell, he can't now say to me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I sold drugs in college too. I mean, it's just like things I got away with because I knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and paid for everything. My parent, like my mom, she didn't have to pay like any money. Yeah. For, for a bunch of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, you know, he was lying. He'd be gone for, you know, two, three weeks at a time, you know, at points in what, when I'm, when I'm, we were all living together. And so, you know, she was kind of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sure she, you know, definitely has regrets in terms of like, oh, she should have stepped in, but she was kind of a pigeon hole to being a, you know, living that life because she didn't have a job and he was the provider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And uhm, you know, speaking about like, you know, being able to get away with stuff because my dad was that guy. Yeah. Like I, you know, if I had a project due in school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, that's a smart person. So that's what, that was probably the biggest lesson where you're like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only time people know that they're getting scammed, you get a cold, you know, a cold call from a number, and that's not even necessarily a scam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they also, yeah, if you say no and then it, they would probably think like, oh, there could be consequences with this. Like if I say no and he is this person, then I'm dealing with that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Bernie Madoff showed huge returns on what he was doing, so, which is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always suspicious when you're investing money. So if you're getting crazy returns, how is this the guy that knows the market better than anybody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, you know, really wealthy people thought that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's kind of, I feel like how he, he was able to get away with it and didn't tell a soul, didn't even tell his own kids. Yeah. Bernie Madoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think about the consequences and a kid who's doing scams, you don't think about the consequences. Think about how much daring we were more as kids and what we, you know, the kind of life that we were leading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, that's why he was able to, I think, you know, pull up being the lawyer, the doctor and all that stuff. Were you trying to, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people, you're just taking somebody's word for it. So it's like, they're able to kind of be like, oh, I could get you stuff and do, you know, do things for you. All these are.


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[Assistant] They're like, uh, I don't know what's the word, but either way, you're, you're kind of at their.


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[Assistant] And it comes down just to like selling, but yeah, as far as the managers and the, uh, agents, you're hoping that they're telling you the truth. And I think that would probably be something that I would be able to do.


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[Assistant] And, you know, but, but hopefully bring it, you know, the best thing is to be honest and be good at what you're doing, of course. But, uh, yeah, if I wanted to be, the easiest thing to do is scam comics. When you really think about it, they're trusting you and everything.


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[Assistant] Absolutely, anybody chasing a dream, anybody who has hope, because comics also were so bad with money.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's not a crazy scam. However, you put somebody in charge your money and that's, they see like, I could just do that. And then there you go. That's, you know, it's as simple as that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and they were friends, but it's like he knows that, you know, in these cases, like people who aren't paying attention to their money, that I could take advantage of this person, so.


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[Assistant] Long Island, uh, Long Beach, uh, they won back to back years and they played, I think it was Taiwan, and Taiwan had players that were like 13 or 14, but uhm, don't check this fact.


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[Assistant] Trying to make conversation. No, but they, uh, yeaah, Long Beach beat them and, uh, no, the Long Beach, uh, lost to them, but they got like murdered and, uh, Taiwan, it turned out that they have like players that weren't even eligible.


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[Assistant] People are throws, uh, so thrown off by hearing that they won. If you get the right person, they're going to be sending you that money. Yeah. And they obviously don't have it. So, uh, yeah. Are you able to get away with it?


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[Assistant] Anybody asking you for money has to raise, like, some suspicion. Just in general. I think that's the best way to go about it. What do you need this for? If they're telling you that they could help you, it's like, you gotta think, like, what's in it for them?


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[Assistant] And I think that's like the best way to figure out if they're scamming you or not. Like every, every deal should always benefit both people. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's a classic GoFundMe is a big scam. GoFundMe is huge.


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[Assistant] People asking for money online, Instagram, you know, oh, my dog is sick and needs money for surgery. Just random people and like people give money that don't even know that person. They just follow their dog's account or something or, you know, post to GoFundMe. Here's the link. They just do it.


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[Assistant] I don't know, what if there's like, I'm gonna talk to your dead dad.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that would be your dad. Totally. Oh yeah. He'd be involved in that somehow.


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[Assistant] But the thing is, you know, he ran it by himself, so he wouldn't want to be involved with like, that was an operation kind of. So we're involved, right? Didn't involve a couple people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well you're just the, you're like a prototypical America. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, like a prototypical wide receiver is uhm, 6'3".


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[Assistant] Not white, you know? You're just like a prototypical American. You can go to like Colorado, anywhere like five to ten miles outside of any city. You're just gonna meet you. Nate will just be like, hey man, you kinda look half golf attire.


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[Assistant] Half like, yeah, like college football. Yeah, you dress like you work for Vanderbilt. And you don't have a college degree. So you're just, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we used to do a college tour together too. We did. Well, we called it a college tour, but it was eight shows that an open mic was set up. Sorry, Dan Frigolette, you're not a real comedian.


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[Assistant] And we were like, this is crazy. And it was right after your first Conan. Yeah. And back then it, it still meant something. It wasn't just a good tape for the internet. Like, so I remember you made me laugh the hardest because you were, after he did his first Conan, like you just feel like you're going to be famous. You know, it's like, especially the era we grew up in, you know, it's like you're on TV and it did, it did a lot.


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[Assistant] But Nate was like, had a hung shirt in the back seat, like a, like a pressed iron shirt. And he said to Dan Frigley, he goes, yeah, you could, uh, if you want, you could sniff that shirt. Smells like fame. It was real funny. I remember that clearly.


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[Assistant] And the other funny thing you said when we were walking past a pizza place that said, uh, it said, uh,


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[Assistant] America's, like America's choice or like the best pizza in America. And he would say, they wouldn't lie to you on the sign, would they?


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[Assistant] You know what's funny is you, you're from here. And Nashville's not a town where a lot of people are from. So like when the South Asian doctor who lives in one of these houses meets you, at first he doesn't think you're a comic, he just thinks like you had a family owned plumbing business and did real well in the area. They think, yes.


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[Assistant] He was a big problem for his family. And y'all, down here you kinda believe in it, not a hundred percent. No. When did you have it?


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[Assistant] Uhm, no, I, I've been good for a long time. I was, I, I, it was, uh, November, beginning of December. So, I did the antibody test.


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[Assistant] You know, I got nature shield. Red, white, and blue. Yeah. Yeah. Red, white, and blue. I got the natural flag. Yeah. Good old immune system that was born and bred in the US of A. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] That's why I'm here. I want to talk to your podcast. I want to talk to your producers.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. No yeaah, it started off auspicious start and then the career really...


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[Assistant] Cooled down. Yeah. And then, uh, now it's, now it's been in the microwave. So now it's doing good. It's reheated, but it doesn't taste good at all. Yeah. But people eat it. Yeah. Uh, people do eat it.


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[Assistant] It's, it's in the ballpark. It's in the ballpark. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but you're right. Yeah. It means, yeah, you started off strong and then yeah, things kind of tapered off. Yeah. It's a nice way to say it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So in New York, I think I started shoveling around 10, 11.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like in LA when it drops below 70, people are putting on like, you know, North Face jackets and hats. Oh, wearing gloves. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's when a kid, yea, that's when a kid gets his first, uh, lesson about nature. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, they don't care. It's brutal out there. It's brutal out there. It's brutal out there.


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[Assistant] Well, you had an eagle that was living in your living room at some point, right? Yep.


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[Assistant] Half Hour Presents? No one finds that. I have a CD. No. CD? No, Comedy Central is a great place to put your special if you want to hide it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was actually really funny. His special aired.


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[Assistant] You've been to Bahrain, you thought it was a person. I've been to Bahrain. Still more cultured. Wherever you were open. You've been to Bahrain.


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[Assistant] I mean, I've never been to Bahrain. No. What's the farthest you've been? Uhm, I didn't open for Angela Johnson, so I didn't get to see it. Uh, yeaah.


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[Assistant] You did good over there. I would go there for five years and went there straight.


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[Assistant] What's good about that is because I was nobody, not like I'm anybody now, but like I was truly


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[Assistant] But then you go over there and they're just like, you know, they think you're American. So, the internet was big back then, but it wasn't as big as it is now, so I just...


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just kind of pretended like I was, you know, I was Chris Rock. I'm like, yeah, I'm one of the best comics in New York. I guess you are. He's American. Don't question Americans. Great. And so like, yeah, sold out shows, kind of festivals. And then you come back to New York and it's just back at the lander for eight people.


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[Assistant] They speak English very well. They're very cerebral people. They're not like, uh, they don't, they laugh like cognitively. He knows that word. So it's like everything kind of goes to their mind and then they clap a lot. They're very like.


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[Assistant] They laugh but it's more of a clap. Like you'll have to pause for a clap.