[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many. Did you really? Yeah, I had fucking older cousins and people would just dump them on me. Yeah. I'd literally have tubs of fucking cards. Dude, I-


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[Assistant] Enough that like, I'm ashamed of my ancestors who didn't believe.


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[Assistant] I didn't leave my fucking shoe out! You forgot? I left the shoe out. Fuck! I got some sweet treats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you really? Yep. And then in the spirit of Saint Nicholas, I broke it, I shared it. I gave one to Christopher and one to Brian. I said, you know what, you guys have my twix. And Saint Nicholas smiled upon me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was making myself laugh thinking about, uh, Santa's coal mine.


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[Assistant] Yea, it gives out cold to everybody. True. You must have, everybody always shows the toy shop elves. Pretty rough on the other end of that.


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[Assistant] He told me there was several years where he got just a lump of coal.


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[Assistant] What's that, what's that do to a person? That just lets you know your parents are poor.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Phil was a b- he's a bad boy. And he got a lump of coal. He got a lump of coal, dude. He did, I'm certain he got a lump of coal one year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, lump of coal for a kid is dead, but again, it was like the, you know, it was like the early sixties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think he's living on a creek in central PA. Yeaah. In the 1960s. Like, it's not like he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my dad had a rough Santa Claus journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I think about it, because the other story that's like my favorite story I think I've told it on here was his dad died. My dad's dad died when he was young. Okay. And then that year for Christmas his older brother


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was his old, no, his older brother dressed up like Santa Claus, to like, cause Phil and his younger brother, and his sisters are young. Okay. And the brother's like seven or eight years older. So he was like, gonna surprise them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like pretend to be Santa Claus, you know, it was a rough time.


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[Assistant] That was also one of the li- I remember lying and saying I saw Santa. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] I remember, no, no, no, I remember saying I saw his sled.


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[Assistant] To who? To like my aunt, who knew I was lying. How old were you? I was young, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was, I still even then knew she knew I was lying. Just to, just to wait her path of questions.


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[Assistant] Yeah, what the fuck is your problem? I vividly remember that lie.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Did you claim to hear bells? Dude, one time.


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[Assistant] I got us a great Christmas story, now we're in the holiday spirit. Hell yea. The local news said there was too much fog, and you had to ring a bell so Santa could find your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fucked me up, dude. I was spazzing. Were you ringing a bell? I broke a bell. I broke the bell ringing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He found your house? He found my house. Sandy was always good, he was good to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then my, you know, you'd see other kids with their fuckin' ballin' shit. Crazy shit. I get nothin'. I got a Playstation 2 once. That's a, that's a good- My 8th grade. That was sick. That's Santa comin' through. That was, and I, yea, that was big for Santa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, did you guys have to go to church after you open gifts? Yeah, fucking suck dude. Woah, how much does that suck? Fuck. You get all these sick toys and then you immediately have to go to church for an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get to see, I'm gonna get to see the kids enjoy it this year. I'm gonna cry I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, there's a fucking Apple commercial right now that makes me cry. What is it? This is Grandpa. I think they play the Up music.


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[Assistant] His granddaughter makes like a slideshow on a tablet that has grandma like photoshopped into it. Is grandma dead? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a commercial, there's a girl, a little girl in bed, in a hospital bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the nurse walks in and she's like, she sticks her arm out cause she's clearly getting chemo. She's like, more treatment today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the nurse is like, different kind of treatment today. And a dog comes in, and it's like a nice dog. Like a treatment animal. And then they're like, pedigree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man. Why are you showing me a kid with cancer? To buy dog food. That's the move. Then you show like a dead, a gramp, an old man crying with his granddaughter on his lap. He's like, that's her, isn't it? It's like, Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Yea, we used to do that with the reindeer. Yea, make em home. That people put out front. And we used to do it in my neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would make the reindeer fuck, and then on people's front yards, hilarious. So funny. So funny. But when I, my ex-girlfriend's grandparents lived in my neighborhood and I didn't know, and they were talking about how every year that would happen, and I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was me. Did you know anyone who ever? That was me. Did you know anyone who ever popped those things? No, I think that's fucked up. I have, I have been a part of that and I wasn't, I really regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, which, also now that I'm an adult, I'm like, yeah, good.


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[Assistant] What, pop em? Good. Fuck those dickheads that have those giant inflatable things and them getting popped.


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[Assistant] We do this thing in my neighborhood. Luminaries they call it. They just put bags of sand with a candle.


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[Assistant] That's pretty tight. On all the curbs, like lining the streets, it looks fucking nice. That's awesome. And you can always see the Jew house, doesn't it? No. They participate. Do they? They do, everybody loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I still have candles, I enjoy it. That's how you know. Oh, that's funny. But yea, the Christmas spirit is...


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[Assistant] Sorry, I'm so Christian, I don't respect Jesus. No, I'm just saying I don't know them.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, that was, we're coming downstairs man.


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[Assistant] Christmas to get down early. You ever get down early before everyone?


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[Assistant] For sure. I did that. A little sneaky move. Tear open a fucking corner. Peek. Run back up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I think that they are, they've seen enough Christmas that they want a piece.


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[Assistant] They got like, shitty Hanukkah. Now the young Jews that are growing up now, are like our age or younger, they've got a very Americanized Hanukkah.


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[Assistant] I'll look into the toy industry and see if any Jays are behind it. The toy industry? I bet they are.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but in their defense, they do get several days before Christmas. You know what I mean? So there's a few days of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this out. Check this out. Coming into school with a new toy. I mean, being like, damn, where are you getting that?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but it's w- What's going on with that? True. But, then the payoff is everybody comes back from Christmas and it's like, whoo.


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[Assistant] That's all I had every year. That's all my clothes was Christmas clothes. My mom dictated my clothing for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, that's how you got servers out of those jankos you were wearing. Bullheads bro. Bullheads got in your system.


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[Assistant] Christmas is hot dogging. Hanukkah is just good, run the football, hand the ball to the ref. Christmas is big time hot dogging.


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[Assistant] I know, I'm saying they do, they do that. So now they're hyping it up? I think now it's definitely more like, give you a bunch of gifts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have like a Christmas. Christmas month. Type thing. Gotcha. I think they, yeah.


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[Assistant] I think they have appropriated it. I think we kind of jammed it down the throat, but also sheer appropriation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a slight appropriation, but also everyone really shuffles their ass.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I think mine's the play- I think I got a PlayStation 2 in 8th grade. I think that was my best gift.


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[Assistant] That was nice. And the way Santi delivered it to me was he hit it behind the couch. You thought it was over. So they got to see me fucking half.


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[Assistant] Fuck! So hard. And then they're like, why don't you check out behind the couch? And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't get what I wanted. That's it? That's it? They're still opening gifts. I'm done with my gifts already. I actually do that every year to my mom. Do you really? I tell her that she likes Katie more than me. That's fucking funny. And every year Katie gets more. Well, cause Katie always owns like a house or an apartment. So my mom buys a ton of fucking that shit. I get like socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Socks and undies, uh, flashlight. That's all I asked for.


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[Assistant] Write it down. Write a list. Write a letter to Santa and just leave it at your parents.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's never good. Have you ever been around people's families that are open about that? No, I don't think so. It's very, I have. It's very weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must be pretty nice for dads. Bro. In hindsight, that's pretty...


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[Assistant] Tommy wears cologne and he sprays a fucking ton of it every time he leaves the house. Every time. And I'm always playing video games by the time he's leaving. Do you ever like, do you ever bring it up? I'll cough, I'll give him some like, Jesus man, what's going on in there? Like fucking, are you playing video games again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking Christmas shop tomorrow. Yea, I gotta finish up, man. Going to the mall on Christmas Eve sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be nice. That would be nice. He gave me a, uh. Ooh, we're getting Phil a snowblower. I went in on it. 15 hunge. Big snowblower for Phil. That's gonna be awesome. It's the only time he's ever asked for anything. Snowblower. Snowblower this year. It is time, because if he keeps shoveling he's gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heart attack, big time. That's, that's a, that's a lot. Cause he's boozing when he's doing it.


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[Assistant] No. There were people drinking, but I was just... This was after Spain. I came back, I was like...


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[Assistant] Fun times. The best. While it's snowing, that's nice. Out there drinking.


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[Assistant] Fuck! That's what he threw up. And then he went to the interview entrenched in a metallic at the end.


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[Assistant] There's an ocean of oil under his feet. Ajax is the only one who can get it.


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[Assistant] It is like, is Bob okay? He's like, no he is not.


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[Assistant] We got a mission. It's snow outside of a barn.


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[Assistant] That's a fun, that's a fun snow operation.


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[Assistant] Just the release, cause it's at night, so you throw it, you can't see it, you just hear a thud, and it's like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, no, we've had the exact because now then I told, we had a snowball fight.


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[Assistant] In our backyard these little kids were building a fort and then me and my friends ran out and fucked their fort up while they were in it. But it was just a fun snowball fight and then I just winged one and it hit this little kid. But I remember he was wearing glasses and the way it stuck was in the gla- like the glasses, some of the glasses stayed on and the snowball just popped him in the eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave him full pirate patch. And he cried and that ended it. And then I had to go apologize. That sucks. Yea, they called my parents.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go back and apologize to like a five-year-old. Did dad make you do that? Yeah. Yeah. No, my mom. Okay. Phil Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did drive to a kids house after I punched him at the bus stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I just had a thought. Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe it. That sucks, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phil's thoughts on me getting in fights was did you win? That was it. That's what's up. That was it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there were other times I've got I've got in flights like in the neighborhood of my dad would be like That was his question. Yeah, did you well what happened? All right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my mom would be like, you need to... Yea, it was one of those silent rides too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you turn the radio off and you just drive over dead silence.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I remember he was still crying. Really? When I got to the house, he was crying. He was probably crying about the same thing. He was probably like, Mom, don't make him come over and apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come over, cause I didn't sucker punch this kid at the bus stop for no reason. No reason other than older kids told me to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, I don't even remember the older kids saying anything.


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[Assistant] I think they were probably, they probably took off. Oh, for sure. Like holy fuck he did. This guy fucking swam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, fuck. I'll be at Magoobies this weekend. If any of you fuckers live near Baltimore. Uh, that's the 26th, 27th, 28th. The day after Christmas, 26th. That'll be a light one at Magoobies. If you guys ever wanted to see me bomb.


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[Assistant] See a bunch of tired people not laughing. Come see me.


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[Assistant] Then the 9th, 10th, and 11th helium buffalo. January 9th, 10th, 11th helium buffalo. Then January 16th, 17th, 18th stress factory in New Brunswick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just down North Cack. Sheeeeet. The dogs came out, it was fun. Dude was rocking one of those McCoskey shirts that I was wearing. Where are they finding them? I forget the guy's name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, if you're listening to this, that guy, DM me. We gotta get more of those. People like those shirts. Fire those things up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright, uhm. Hey guys, have a Merry Christmas. Please do. You know? Please do. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, ever since Roanies, you've had a bad attitude.


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[Assistant] It's Spring Break 2020, dude. It's Endless Summer.


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[Assistant] Bro, these two rooms, like right here are, I mean, the hottest girls. They're all perfect, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might fucking Kool-Aid man through that wall dude. In the middle of the night just explode through the wall. They're so hot. I went out to the elevator and there was one that was in like a flesh colored bikini like and with a thong and she was just, dude, it's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, it's, it's crazy. And I don't think I could even, I can't talk to them, dude. I, I look like a...


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[Assistant] I like catch glimpses, full length mirror glimpses, and it's not great what I look like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, as long as the audio sounds alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I have this sick ass ice, blue ice plugged into the USB into my laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it says, uh, select microphone, blue snowball. That's what this thing's called, dude, the blue snowball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be disappointed to know it's perfectly spelled. However, my, my headphones are known as Riff Wireless, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at my fucking life, dude. This is my ballin' kitchen. Yo, shout out to fuckin' politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, fucking, this is where I scope the girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up guys? Should I go down and zoom down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just be like, yo, this is, you know, just top 100 comedy podcasts. Not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dropped my, yo, I've been reading the fuck out of Blood Meridian. Really? It's so good. You were right. I was wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the way, uh, the light's reflecting me looking down on these kids, like.


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[Assistant] Well, here's the sitch for the boys. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I came down here for some shows and then I was supposed to go to South by Southwest and it got cancelled. So I'm just gonna, I think I'm just gonna stay down here and I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going back to New York would fucking suck, dude. Lockdown. All the fucking foreigners. With all the foreigners in my neighborhood. Yeaah. They're a fucking coffin. Yeaah, they got Ronies for sure. Every foreigner has to have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta go up north again to pick up the cruise and bring it down here. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although it's a fucking jeep thing now, dude. I got a sick jeep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this guy gave me a Jeep, so that's good. We got that going for us. But then the beaches here suck. There are no beaches. It's just rocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I can't even tell you how funny that would be if I went down there by myself and cannonballed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be the king of spring break dude. I'd be the king of spring break. It'd be over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just roll an ankle on a fucking chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, see what the audios are like and uh, or the vid will be hilarious. Put the vid up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everybody can see the baby, the pool of baby girls beneath me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be the king, I might be the king of spring break dude, if I jump off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? Nothing, just chilling. What's happening? Just got back from Mechanicsburg. Had a nice night. Did you booze up there or no? Nah, no booze. I got fucked up Saturday night for the Wilder fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, it was just, just being home was so fucking funny. Like, him, dude, the first night I went to sleep, so I was hungover from the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First off, Deontay Wilder, this is insane. Deontay Wilder blamed his loss on the outfit he wore into the ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wears, it was like a 40 pound suit. He said when he got in the ring that's why his legs were shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they do have bird legs. Both those guys have little tiny bird legs. Yea, but you can't blame your- He might have been shot, for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so, I mean. Deontay just walked, you know, 300 feet in my shoes. Yea, exactly. He couldn't last a day. How's it feel? He couldn't last a day like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might have to fuck him up. He, uh, oh bro, also on the same topic, I was watching, uh, did, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just an old video of him like laying on, basically doing it. There was a hot cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a heart cast. He's just laying on a couch sitting there like, the Jews, you know, the Jews control what everybody's thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam Hyde gets cut from Adult Swim. Mike Tyson is a cartoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude is a- They all did, dude. He is a career- Ted did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, nobody comes in here and talks about my wife. That's how I got a line there. And then like a month later, he's like, Donald Trump should be the next president. These guys are all pussies. Yeah. Dude, he really, he capitulated after he went in his bay. Oh yeah. He got his ba- Trump smoked his bay, and then-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. I saw your boy Bernie last night. Both you boys. Both you guys are Bernie bros. I'm the only one staying true to 1776.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I watched some of Bernie, his town hall last night. He was on, he, you know, he says a bunch of good stuff that I like. He also was like, Castro is the man. I like that. That's pretty funny. No, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. He's a fan of Castro. He was like, Fidel Castro said, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right when he took power, he sent out book brigades and taught everyone how to learn. So that was a good thing. He's like that's just the truth, it's a good thing. Not the greatest name. Maybe it sounds better in Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what he did. That's what he was saying. It's like, well, you could do that with any...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, are you gonna name a vice president? Cause, you know, you could fucking die during the thing. And he was like, okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, we will name a vice president, oh he was like, we will name a vice president soon, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, it's the same thing, it's like, uh, it's like dude, you're an old white, like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna go on stage and be like, I guarantee it's not gonna be an old white guy. And it's like, that's a weird thing. It's the same thing, it's almost like with-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you would call it. How would you describe a way, the way you described Bernie the last episode? I don't recall. It was something like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, you know, the old Italian. He's juicing it up. True, there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The show, I watched, I watched, look, I could be way off on this show, but I saw it for like 10 minutes before I came in and took the remote from my sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister was going through chemo. She's like laying on the couch. She's got, you know, it's terrible. No eyebrows, all that shit. It's fucking brutal. But she's like, she just watches Netflix now and Amazon all day. Like I came home and I was like, turn this shit off. Like she's like, no sympathy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, the scene I saw was like a black lesbian couple with the Nazi hunters as well as an Asian dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, that's the crack squad they put together in the 70s, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, all the bad guys are clearly, uh, you know, obviously white guys. It's a Nazi on the show. I'll give them that one, but like they're like sadistic weirdo. Like the one scene I saw was just a black family tied up at their dinner table and a Nazi going around being like, you know, flamingos are actually pure white. It's the food they ingest that makes them colored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like walking around and he's like shooting a tied up black family. I'm like, good lord, dude. Dude, the Nazis in hiding. I don't know if they were this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the, there's a lesbian couple, they're in bed, and the one's talking about how German, the story Hansel and Gretel was about, actually the witch was a Jew, and the kids threw her in an oven and took her house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, these stories affect culture and make everybody think they're the bad guys. And I was like, what the fuck show are you on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're saying it represents a Jew who was trying to eat Christian babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not. Okay. It's debunked. Sorry. Anyway. Snopes, Snopes is like, well, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, that's good, you went home recharged. Recharged, I went to bed, the first night was very funny, I fell asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the couch. I was watching XFL. Phil was drunk. He was sitting on the recliner. And I just fell asleep. And I woke up to him talking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Like I was sleeping, and I woke up to him like, you're gonna have to change your career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was laying on the couch and he honestly, I woke up to him going with that tone, that fucking, you better, you're gonna have to change careers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Narcos did the same thing. The diversity thing. There was like females. Well, Migos was ridiculous, but then there was two female chick, like two characters that were like trying to start their own side business within the cartel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they did this whole thing where it's like, no, what they're doing is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like they're just badass women getting work. It's like they're cartel leaders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And no, all the cartel guys were like, what do you have a date tonight? What are you doing? And they're like, no, we're selling heroin. Like they didn't, you know. Gotcha. They played it off. Like the men were too stupid to understand what the women were doing. Oh, okay. So they were like, side of, they were like, these narcos aren't constantly looking to see what's going on with the money and heroin and coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they do the same thing in Narcos as they did in, uh, what was the other, what was that fuckin' sick ass cartel movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they do the same thing where they're like, turns out the United States is just as guilty. You guys are junkies. That was it? Yeah, they always do that in Narcos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy some drugs. But, uh, yea, the trip home was good. Went to off, dude. It's probably a boost to the local economy. Fucking went to, uh, so Phil coaches girls high school basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, that's what I make fun of him for. When he's talking shit on me, I'm like, dad, only pedophiles and gay dudes coach girls basketball. Which one are you? He's like, okay Shane, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does he react to that? He doesn't like it. He gets upset. That's the one thing I can get him on. Did he win? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's high school. I got there, the score was like 16 to 16 at half. And I was like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gym full of people that were like, that's a fucking foul! Like going nuts over these kids. Was it hacked out? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Cumberland Valley is like a good team. Like they won...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like ranked nationally like number one for a while, like it's like a, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like a good program, but it's funny to go there and see what, like, I would always like, I mean laying on the couch while Phil's talking shit and be like, I would drop 60 points easy against those, your team sucks. I could walk out today and be the best player and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows, I forget the name of the girl he always says, he's like, she would swatch your shit. She would dominate you. I went to the game after the game, we were sitting at a bar, me and Phil, and I was like, I would fucking kill them, and he was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he held back, but my mom's the one who like, makes me go.


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[Assistant] Uh, this one went into overtime. It was a thrilling game. I think it was like forty? One? They hit a buzzer beater. Really? Yea, the other team hit a buzzer beater and ran out on the court.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was, uh, it was like, uh, no, it was a lot of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can shoot that way. How many dunks? No dunks. What? There were no dunks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was tough for me not to revert back to my old ways though and hit the concession stand. Be like, mom, can I get 50 cents?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the price to get in the game was $4. Concession, you're sitting at 50 cents for M&M's bro. It's a good deal. Also, what I was thinking about the whole time was the kids are not hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It made that whole show uh, euphoria way weirder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was sitting there like, good lord, someone wrote a show about high school kids fucking. Oh yeaah. And being like hot sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get him going about it. He's like, why don't you coach guys? You fucking weirdo. What is this? I keep making fun of him for being a weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He played basketball, yea, till his senior year. Well, he played in high school and then in college he just played football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weirdos and perverts are pretty synonymous. Your dads aren't talking you shit to sleep. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's it, that's Phil's line for sure. He's like, what are you doing? Come on. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Shane. Okay. Alright, enough. Enough. But yea, then I go home, the house is, the group's falling apart. Really? Yea, Phil had the cancer too, he got a chunk out of his nose, so he just walked around with like a mangled face. He's turning into the outsider. Phantom of the Opera, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got a, my other sister, you know, sister's got cancer, dude. And it, it's like, it sucks to see, like, the, the chemo where, like, you lose all your fucking hair. Like, her eyebrows are gone, and her head, it's like, Jesus. Eyelashes probably too. Yeah. She was sitting on a fucking recliner, and my mom walked in and was like, Phil?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can get used to it right away, but like, the first, cause I always forget and then I'll come home and see her and be like, shit. That's a rough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my dad, my dad's definitely going geezer. Yeah, you can tell. My mom's been geezer, but my dad, like, whole fuck-up drive, we talked about it that one time, my dad just slammed on the brakes and almost crashed for no reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man. But yea, that was good. It was good to go back to Mechanicsburg. Nice. Good to see everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get some Bible verses, get some like fucked up Bible verses and write them on there. Nobody's gonna look them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find like some real revelations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Just out on that island by himself. Wasn't he on some like shitty island?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toss this in at the end of the book. Imagine reading the bible the first time and then you get to the end like, what the fuck? Like the New Testament's all like this nice good stuff and then you get to the last book and you're like, jeez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were in Sunday school? Yea, up until 5th grade I went to public school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had CCD. We had CCD, kids would come into our desks. But all my friends played football, like I played Catholic sports. So like they were all my friends and teammates so I would fuck with their desks. Pretty fun. Switch a pencil case. That's big time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, at night, like once a week at night, we would go in and go to the Catholic school. And you'd just sit in a classroom for like an hour. What was that like? Sucked. I hated it. I fucking hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going to the zoo? Yea, they want to go to the zoo. They don't want to go to Galapagos Islands. I'll have to look into it. But yea, that's very welcome feedback. I feel like you can't blue ball a girl more. Cause I'd be pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come up and just say red, red giant. That's one. Say white dwarf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you applying nature to nature? People forget that space is just nature. I heard that bro. Come on man. Yo, I heard that. Please. Space is also nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a girlfriend story. And you can't help it. You can't help it. I've tried so hard to not fall into the disassociated state. But when a girl story starts, it's just like uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I gotta check on, I got some things going on in 1914.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, dude. Me and England are having a bit of a disagreement here. Really? Yeah. Iceland, Greenland came in and liberated Ireland. I was like, bro, I'm taking Ireland. Enough of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which actually, I attacked preemptively. Cause if he wasn't playing, France is right there on my border, dude. I had to. I had to do it. It was nothing against Beezer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I couldn't give him one island. I couldn't give him any territory. If you're gonna go to war, you gotta vanquish your enemies entirely. If I kept him alive at all, he would have tried his hardest to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say that, but so far you're undefeated in wars. Imagine if you start to lose one of those. It would be, it would be frustrating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, and they're sitting on double oils. Yeah, they're sitting on double oils. And they have one guy on each thing. It's like, obviously we're going over there. Obviously we're going. Obviously the USS Michael Jackson's on its way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real life I would have executed him. I would have put Beezer against the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a thing where they give like one or two guys a blank so that you can all be like, no, I didn't kill him. Right. Especially with like deserters. That makes sense, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause with deserters, the truth, that really fucks morale up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised Bernie's not going to get capped. Nah. He's trying to take a lot of money from a lot of people. Allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, he's going to be pitching these ideas to congress and, you know. Yea, they're not going to let him do anything. He's going to need millionaires approvals to tax millionaires. No matter what. Yea, yea. True. Well I think they're also going to... Probably not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not bad. No, no. Five-seven's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, my aunt came in and her career idea for me was to go on the show Survivor. That was her genuine advice. I actually like this idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you don't think? I was like, nah, I think I'm gonna stay, like, just comedy. She's like, you could do it on there. You do comedy on The Driver, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should do real world. Real world would be awesome. Although they're all like 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, my sister was watching one that's on right now. What is it? The craziest thing I've ever seen. It's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the show on Netflix where people get married before they meet each other. They sit in a room and talk to each other. No, not 98. 98 fiance rules. That's, that's when people are just stealing, like marrying somebody for a green card. And then whoever the American is is like, no, we're really in love. It's just some incredibly hot, like, chick from Guatemala.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have that immigrant chilling in five minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A very fucking slow wifi. The wifi is not good. It's pretty crappy. Bad wifi down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's a, there's a show where these people sit in a room across, like they do like speed dating in these rooms that it's like a confessional. So you can't see who's on the other side and they speed date and at the end you have to marry them. What? The show is you get engaged.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the whole time they're like, Oh my God, this is crazy. It's like, yes. Yeah, no, it is crazy. This is retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like this is, it's like I'm gonna marry somebody I've never even seen? This is crazy! Yeah, that's- Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, it's good to check in on GirlTv. It's wild, dude. I watched fucking, my mom always watches the home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] HGTV, it is porn for women. It's just a lady being like, this is what I want the house to look like. And every husband's like, you know, I gotta listen to the boss and build this perfect house for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god dude, those guys. They are the corniest dildos on earth. I hate those fucking guys. I'll give you that, I'll give you that. They're up to no good. Fuck man. They're doing something weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a woo baby. Yeah, the titles are always like, uh, he had to come right away as soon as it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it does like react to things, right? Like you can touch it and talk. So it's down there catching loads like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the way. I've seen it, yea, with my bro. No, but we do have to wrap this one up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're gonna have to wrap this episode up. We got a new episode coming right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on the casting couch? He's on the casting couch right now. Beezer's probably grilling him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 5th, 6th, and 7th I'll be at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the 12th and 13th, I'll be at the Comedy Key West in Key West Florida, the 12th and 13th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, March. Okay, wow. Uhm, and then just a bunch of shit, uh, Hilarity's Cleveland, Thursday the 26th, and then Friday and Saturday the 27th, 28th, Skankfest. Watch out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Matt, that's a pretty big mug, huh? Yeah, what about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, me? You're just goofing off and throwing the quarantine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, what, because you guys are pranksters? No, we just had a lot of heat on the last one. Everyone's really mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna get arrested when? April 10th or May 10th? That's what we're hearing. April 10th. Dude, just what people are saying on the internet. I don't know anything. Dude, they've been promising...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy leading the charge fucking killed himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people murder children for power.


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[Assistant] I'll eat it. Spade says I never had the flu, so I don't know what I'm talking about, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. Are you a crazy rich asian? 1776 dude, mom and apple pie. I don't know dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of a source from the panagon there, what are you, 45 years old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a holographic geo doing a time capsule from, uh, preschool. I don't know where it went though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello? Dude, they don't answer. They're scared. They don't like when I hate on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they call and it's an Indian, I just ask for a white person to give my personal information to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He asked for an Englishman. Are you still recording Matt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's waste management, dude. Sorry. They're still rolling? That's what we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not shut down. Oh, it's essential, yeaah. Okay. Fair enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to call fucking the CDC on you. You're in a house with a child with COVID-19.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's almost like a certain group of people just want the stocks to go down so they can buy it for cheap and then get rich again or even richer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 99% of the people who had a virus, who had the virus in Italy already had pre-existing conditions. 99% who died had pre-existing conditions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, Mitt Romney's, uh, in isolation right now, I said. Mitt Romney's in isolation? Gee, that's too bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had the international boy love sign, which is a swirl and a swirl, like a swirly logo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Go drive by and then go look up, uh, FBI, FBI's, International Science for Pedophilia. Go look it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can goof about children getting raped if that's what you guys are into. Yeah, we can do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you say, Bill? What'd you say you fucking mean? Shane's right shoulder's bumping up and down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You trying to get out of jail? Wasn't Takashi like close to getting out? Yea, but he wants out now because he's afraid to get coped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do anything if fucking someone gave me 400 an hour on the laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Offline of course between me and Neil. You can't film with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're beyond the wall. You guys, you guys all go to these like weird sets of rules and like you talk about jokes and stuff. We're just like a whole different vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched King and the Sting and it almost threw the fuck up. Why? It's so fucking bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No homo. Look at this shit. Definitely. Here's a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeffrey Dahmer's murder in his brother's house. That's in his brother's house. He's smiling. You see the sick fuck? What is that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeffrey Dahmer's murder scene. He got a statue of it. Explain that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here he is now, I mean, obviously- They would buy everyone hot dogs. I would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About what? What is it? He's wearing a shirt. One day it said Wilson, like the volleyball. And then the next day she was wearing a shirt that said run forest run. Has anyone heard from Tom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, if my dad never let him take out his earrings, dude. Matt had earrings, he was on the road to beat Chet Hanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this all about me? Spade's quite a F. Yea, Spade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spade keeps warning me that it's just going to start happening all the time and it's just like, when?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta make the curve, you gotta make that curve go down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'll go in there, no, I tried to call them one time, they didn't answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, you just have like a 24-7 spring deck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno dude, that black fucking snowball is crazy as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's just your aura. Me and spade. White snowball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they're shooting for. I don't think it'll ever work in America, dude. I think the light's gonna win. Gainspeed also talked about this. America's nothing but wild boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one, the one dude from South Carolina, his son's like already a Instagram famous guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a dude from South Carolina, his son is like always on Instagram with like fucking tigers and shit. Yeah, that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say you, you were asking for it. Why are you dressed like that? Why'd you come up here dressed like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's war mode, dude, that's what it is. I'm half to do shit. We're in the 50 states.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The true Patriot cuz dude, Wall Street is getting back to Main Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, but I mean, dude, there's video, there's videos of them selling them in the back doors of Planned Parenthood. And like, we're supposed to be pumped about that. I'm not. I mean, honestly, I'm gonna put it to you this way, Bill. I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just said, he's in some low places, he's doing the gods work where he's at, but he's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a fun joke. Just so they can catch these hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, there's gonna be thousands, but like, that's gonna be a lot, like, there's gonna be a ton of bodies everywhere. The logistics of getting rid of all those bodies is gonna be... Thousands. I mean nothing compared to the Holocaust, there was like 6 million then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did such a good job backfilling the mass graves that it looks like the shoulder was never messed with for like, since the Ice Age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this, this is the vibe. This is the war mode Patreon vibe, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad listened to the podcast and he was like, I heard some of it, dude this, dude, fuck, dude, sick, dude, fuck, ugh. What? He's like, how do people listen to that junk? Obviously jealous. He is a jealous old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows, he knows he can't fuck with me now. True. Look, even though I didn't get it, that SNL credit, that's a strong credit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big time geezer respect. Like, all right, maybe you are actually funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The geezers. Full support dude. But, we were just talking about it. Did we delete that whole episode? Yea. Alright. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let it die. We put one out. We put, we just recorded one with very low energy, low energy for us. And then my green drink. Now you had your green drink. Now I have my yellow drink. Now we're fucking, I need to get amps too, bro. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, once the salt life becomes mundane, it kind of loses its charm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's weird. But, it's uh, I was just recently reinvigorated by the arrival of Chris O'Connor, Brian Six, and Kyla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a local, so I'm kinda disappointed in the way they've conducted themselves on my beaches. You know what I mean? They think it's fuckin' spring break, party time, and I'm like, you gotta respect it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On O'Connor's ass, like no matter what he does, I'm like, dude, slow down. It's a long, we got a long way to keep getting ship faced every night. And then I literally, he was like, dude, you fell on the beach. I was running wind sprints. I told you this, I was running sprints on the beach, uh, two nights ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know it either, man. When you're down there, it's insane. It's the craziest thing in the world. Being on the beach at night like that, hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this was, I was down by the water. So it was like, just, yea pure, it felt like, you know, walking on like a street. It's just flat. It was great. Yeaah. You know, you start moving a little, you start, I started dancing a little, I had some headphones in, I was dancing. That's nice. I used to be a dancer, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine the other way though, imagine if you were a black guy who couldn't dance and he went to like an all white wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was down there, headphones in, just, I mean unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna know, like what were you doing? You think I was born yesterday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. I have seen that. Uhm. That's a whole realm of being, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, there is a car. Dude, I go down, it's dance life. Also, I go down, I dance, I run, I do up downs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is what happened. I literally woke up that day and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, I used to like play basketball every single day, like hard. I was like dude, if I ran right now, I think I would fall apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what am I doing? What am I? And then I was sitting down at the beach. I was like, I haven't been like hit in forever. I was like, when's the last time something hurt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Started diving straight on my belly and I was like, alright, this hurts. So you, you inflicted some pain on yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was delighted. I mean, despite, so I started running some sprints and then, uh, I fell hard on one of them, which, uh, was inevitable. Cause I was like, I was like, damn dude, I'm killing it. I can move. It's like, Holy shit. I forgot. I can't actually run. And then I fell pretty hard. It's great. My knee, dude. I got a bomb knee now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No boogies. The water's too chilly. I mean, I'll go out there, strictly. Wetsuit, bro. Wetsuit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Strictly to whiz. I did see they were selling wetsuits and I was thinking about buying one. You have to get one. Cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime somebody with like my body shape is in a wetsuit, it's very funny. It's kinda, that's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen a bigger dude in a wetsuit. Well, there's no point for me to, I don't come out, dude, I'm like a Sankara. I've never seen a BBM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm chunky at this dude. No, you're rarely chunky, but you do have a, you do have a very unathletic frame. You're built like. Not true. I have a big ass dude. You're very broad, but very non-explosive. I can tell there's no explosive movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sent it through, you sent the turd to the guillotine too early. The guillotine deterred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll run into those on the, like on, cause I, you know, I travel a lot. I'll run into those, those Rorschach dumps on the back, the stamps on the back of the toilet seat where someone clearly just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the time. Dude, rest stop. I do also, I live salt life and rest stop life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they do have like street artists, like you said, like Banksy? Like if someone takes a dump like that, like damn dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking kill him, dude. I think we should, just slaughter them. Or just let them sit in the robot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well they gotta defend it from pirates. Oh, fuck man. It's such a good idea. That's like old west, like riding shotgun. You know how many truckers- You just have them with a gun on the robot. That's what truckers get to do. You can still get head at rest stops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're groovin'. See? We're groovin'. We're groovin', dude. First episode stunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I might have to fucking- As soon as shit pops off here, I'm gonna fucking cut everyone's heads off. Have you thought any kind of survival strategy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I brought Beezer and O'Connor. Not that they're the best, but it's good to have some bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No matter what, no matter what, they're both, they're cannon fodder. Both of them are fodder. You would send them out? So something's coming at us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna team up with one of them and turn on the other one and throw him at the feet of whatever is coming at us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's first to go. She's going to be tossed into the fire. She might not survive before the rapture. She might be sent out to see just off bad performance this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no problem killing any of the people I'm with right now. That's also important for your post apocalypse squad. No, they can never know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need to think that I love them and it's brotherhood, but the best part, you need to put together a pack of dogs that you are willing to sacrifice, any of them, for the minimalist of gains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I'm sorry, dude, the toilet paper thing, it bothers me so fucking much. It makes no sense. To stock up so hard. It really doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't, it's, it's, uh, Why is that, why is that, it's, it's like, uh, O'Connor was talking to me about, it's like a run on a bank where they're like, hey, I heard everyone's taking their money out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then I'm going to fucking take my money out. Same thing with toilet. Everybody was like, you got to stock up on toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, walking down the grocery aisle with zero, the whole row empty of toilet paper. And it's like, what fucking dumb pussies went out and bought all of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is- Like just grab one and fucking chill. Exactly. Grab two, grab two if you're gonna be a dickhead. Cool, I have a house full of baby wipes so I'm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I bought. The only things left were flushable wipes, but they come in like five packs. I bought two of those. I was like. You have ten wipes? Yes. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean that's not gonna last? You have 10 individual wipes. 10 packs of wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not 10, 5 packs. How many wipes do you think are in a pack? Oh, I thought you said there was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like a, it was a whole thing of five different or four different packs that are usually individual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're set. I got actually criticized by the group when I brought that back. They're like, what are you buying so much of this shit for? I was like, boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's the wife I could take. Oh, for sure. She may join my harem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she really? Yeah, this is all, this is like the richest, this is a very rich fucking neighborhood. Rich southerners too. Rich, rich 50 year olds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you get down here? How'd you get money down here? What are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like while someone's got you in a choke. That's when, when Louis would try to get me in a choke, I was blocked by the chair. Yeah. Dude, all you have to do is squeeze someone's dick. The choke comes undone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got a nice, they got a nice golden retriever too. Oh, that'll be good eating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dad, the dad, he would have fucked me up, uh, probably like five years ago, but he's, you can tell his legs are skinny. I will fucking, I'll roll on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm coming at you. There better not be anything else around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been scoping the house, there's some mansions. God damn it, what's going on here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Email needs to show up for some reason. Fuck this. What is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Yeah, dude, there's a mansion like on the walk to the beach here that is just, it's fucking, it's perfect. If this thing, if shit pops off, I'm just getting in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be, dude, I got Beezer, Beezer and O'Connor. Did you ever see, uh, did you ever see Us? No. The Jordan Peele movie? Yeaah. Not Get Out, the one with the ice? Oh, dude, dude. It's called Us, there's a scene where they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Us is actually good. See, that's the thing that sucks. Jordan Peele got all that love for Get Out cause everybody was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was younger, I was like, I should, when I was younger, I was like, maybe I should move to the projects when I'm older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you thought about that? I genuinely remember thinking about that. Like just, you know, just get some cred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about this. I wasn't talking about like as in like college being like, but no, people do hit that brand hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I was like, maybe I should just live eight mile. You should've.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I had, instead I went, instead of, uh, B-Rabbit, I went Jimmy Buffett, dude. I ended up going Jimmy Buff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's told me, uh, oh shit, first of all, I didn't even shout this kid out. The night I got hammered, uh, at Key West.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Young boy named O'Connor. Fucking supple boy, dude. 27. Hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and him could have had it. He almost took me in the sand. Really? I was giving him the fucking like, wouldn't it be crazy if we like, kissed or something? Wait, you guys just took a beach walk by yourselves?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he kept trying to, he was, he went to the show. He was a dog, he's a dog dude, he's a fan. So you guys walked under the boardwalk? Matt, if you interrupt my story with junk like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking forget what I was going to say. Oh yeah, I just wanted to shout him out. Two hot dudes chilling in the sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucked up. He kept wanting to go to a bar. He kept wanting to go to the bars. And I was like, dude, I'm not going to the fucking bars. Not with, not with COVID. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unreal. Yeah, and everybody was shitting on all those college kids for, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every, they would like go down and interview college kids and they'd be like, well, we don't fucking care. Cause like our immune systems are fine. But it's like, and everyone's like fucking assholes. It's like, dude, imagine if you were in college and you were drunk on St. Patrick's day and someone stuck a fucking microphone in your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also too, it's like, dude, these, these, this fucking rich family is two people and a golden retriever and they're moving things in one at a time. They're still moving shit in. They're moving like one item at a time. I might go out and be like, it's quite a wife you got there. Be ashamed if something happened. By a neighbor. You should just take a southern


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and the boys are cooking burgers tonight if you wanna join us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they've always been there. And what's funny is I've, I know, I knew that because I would fucking talk to them. They come to shows and shit. They're like, yo dude, fucking gooks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Young, young, young people out there that are like, you ask young white college dudes who they like, they, out of the presidential cares, like Trump 2021, Trump is like cool to them. Like it's funny, it's ironically funny to like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, Trump actually fucking destroyed that reporter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they still tried to switch it, like they still tried to like post videos and it was like dramatic, sad music and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of like focusing on the issues, Trump is just attacking journalists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right about that though. He's right that a lot of them, not, not that, not that they shouldn't be, they should be fucking reporting that in fact a lot of them seem to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like, so New York Times will tweet and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because tests went up. 5,000% this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get me wrong, obviously cases are blowing up because that's how viruses work, but it's also like, you know, can we also report like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Testing is also going up. That's why the numbers are skyrocketing because testing is skyrocketing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, we deleted this. I still need to find out Charles Barkley's test results. Oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was genuinely like, you gave us those mushrooms. I was high on mushrooms last night. That was me taking it easy, by the way. I was telling O'Connor, I was telling O'Connor in sixth, like you guys better slow down. I was on mushrooms, washing bed and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] MIB's rules, dude. It's, dude, it's so good. I, first of all, I've never nodded. Mushrooms are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd be, oh my god. I mean, you imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, you know, I got greedy on the stems. I probably had like five stems last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was having fun dude, I was just watching, I was just nice and easy, I was like, let's take it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was on mushrooms, but he was also hammered. I wasn't drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a fun energy and I was more of just a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just wanna watch MIBs. This is nice, I had a blanket on the couch watching MIBs. I was kicking my feet in the blanket the whole time, just... It was so fucking nice, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I really do every single time. I've been bringing it up every time I see you holding your baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fucking with your dogs very much when you ran upstairs. What were they doing? It was very fun. No, I was just yelling. Do you want to go for a walk? Do you want to go to the dog park? They couldn't hear all the audio. No, they couldn't. No, they couldn't. Were they hearing through the headphones? Yes, they could hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They couldn't hear through the headphones. I think the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fantastic. Damn dude, that's- Dodie like walks to the computer. She's very smart. She is very smart. Jackson's a dipshit. He didn't even look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine. I mean, yeah, dogs, I bet dogs are kind of happy everybody's chilling at the house though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apocalypse that's impending. Do you think, what do you think is gonna happen here? I'm gearing up. I think we're going back to, I think we're going back to work in about two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that's your prediction. We're with or without a vaccine. I think we're going back because we're, we're not going to risk, uh, the economy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York City, I think the west coast has got to be getting trounced by this fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New York's getting bad. Yeah, dude, New York's getting murdered. Yeah. I mean, New York's the biggest hub, like, in the world, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a friend of mine that was a waiter at the stand that had pneumonia for like a few weeks. Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I play rugby. No, no, no. We said sports, not fucking clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single rugby team believes that they were like ranked in the top 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's 900 different leagues. You guys are all top 10. It's for real. It's special Olympics for kids who couldn't play football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High school rugby is special Olympics for kids who couldn't play football. Every high school rugby team is like, yeah, we were undefeated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Okani put some good thoughts into my head. He was just like, I mean, once he said it, it was like, yeah, it's pretty, pretty, I guess, common. He was like, it's going to get to a point where we're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many lives are we willing to lose here in order to make sure the economy doesn't totally collapse? So I'm sure we can lose a million plus geezers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come on, ask yourself that. What does that indicate? Maybe that it's a little more serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those videos coming out China, I see the things, I don't know how many of those are real, but it's always like them, like ripping people out of cars and shit. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're getting rowdy. There was one I saw of like a chain gang of sick people. They were like handcuffed in a line getting marched out of a town. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're still doing it. Also what's really funny is China was like, China announced like this week. They're like, no, we have no new, uh, cases this week. It's like, yeah, sure China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, apparently, I think they said it honestly is like when I ran was like, no, we don't have one gay guy here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for that report. Thanks China. Thanks for your report. No new cases this week? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. I thought you said penguins. No, penguins. Yea yea yea, I've seen that boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got like a, no, but I guess, I guess it was some sort of bat pangolin combo though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the uh. No, I, I, the bats, bats are involved in this. Okay, they're in the mix. Bats somehow are in the mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A pangolin and a bat were probably caged next to each other and a bat was probably sucking on a fucking pangolin's foot or some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, O'Connor is literally, he just opened the door and was like, we're cooking burgers, do you want cheese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These fucking identity politics fucking pussies who made their whole lives around this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the first, the first video I saw about it, it was like, no, it didn't come from people eating bats. And then like the fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] WHO was like, yeah, it probably came from people eating bats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these fucking like YouTubers are like, please stop being ignorant. I'm a doctor. It did not come from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't ever, I don't ever watch it cause it's uh, it's actually embarrassing. That's my go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I turned Fox on right away. I guess, I mean, you could live in that world. You could decide to live in the Fox News, like, that's your reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like, is this virus Trump's fault? Yes. Breaking news. Trump is a dipshit. Breaking news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry about that Spain. I would say I'd be first in line and be like, sorry about that Spain. Crab bugs are great. Have you tried them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If pangolins are good, if pangolins hold up and they are delicious,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you dip it in? What type of sauce? Are you talking like, is this like a hot sauce type animal or is it like turkey where you mix it with gravy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda like a scaled animal. No, but it has like, more like a chainmail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The Chinese. If a vice reporter? No, I'm saying if Pangolin tastes good and if bats taste good, the Chinese are innocent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well China didn't have that. China doesn't really have regulations on people munching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now they're setting up some munch regulations. Now people are like, you guys gotta have munch regulations. And also enough with the dogs. The whole world is like, alright, stop with the dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like pigs are smarter than dogs. Like I, I hear you. It's a fucked up thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I watch someone boil a pig and be like, that's a nightmare, stop doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%, if pangolins taste good, this was kind of worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make everybody in Spain have diarrhea. I wouldn't. I would still munch some Doritos, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're not allowed to eat them, it's just like jerking off right now for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 100% of the move is to pause the podcast. So she thinks you're down here podcasting. Speak. She's got to talk the whole way through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be funny if she heard you downing it. It was just, we should have people like a, like a, a firewall to protect us on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as we get into talking about China, someone should be like, all right, stop. Enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we munch, we munch hard mammals. We do it right, Shane. We do. We only munch hooved mammals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea man, I mean dude, there's no- Yea, there's no time for pussyfooting during a- How many people died in Italy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also funny we all get our news from like memes now. People get news from memes where it's like, oh shit, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's apparently, I saw a meme today and I don't think it's true, but apparently the like mayor in this, uh, Chinese or Italian town, maybe city, I forget, was like, hey, let's during when, during the COVID outbreak, he was like, let's make sure you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reach out to your, the Chinese people that live in our city. Like, hug, hug Asian people today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was like an Asian dude with like a sign that was like, Asian people are not the virus. I'm a person. Free hugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25 to 30. You killed 25 to 30 Italian WAP fucking nanos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that and China has a pretty strong presence up there. A little Silk Road action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was, I'm still mad about it. While you were talking for the last five minutes, I've been in my head just thinking about how mad I am at him. Why are you so mad at him? What a fucking asshole. To interrupt it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mekani is definitely lost, dude. Your body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more of a Bonnie. Heard that. No, I can see that for sure. Oh, Connie is, dude, Voss, I don't, I'm gonna miss him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna die in the virus, but I fucking love that guy. Creeps with Kids tour is fucked. Is it really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you went and did that? The Creeps with Kids Tour is, uh, dude, they're all gonna die from coronies. Yeah, Bobby Kelly's doing, uh, episode every day. I've been talking to Bobby. I was speaking with him, and he seems overly confident. He's not gonna die? He's like, I'm not that old, dude. I'll be fine. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm young and I'm worried because I'm fat. You should be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you dead? Are you dead? I'm gonna text boss and ask him if he's dead. You sure dude? I fucking love that guy so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really really is man. He was spitting some shit to me the other night that made me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was just me and him talking and I doubt he would ever want this to be repeated, but it was a pretty fucking like cool fucking thing for him to say. He was, cause we, you know, we were talking, we were talking business. We were talking about our J's, our different Jews. Yeah. And, uh, J squad. Both of us were talking J squads. Yeah. And he was like, Shane, Shane, Shane, Shane, I've seen,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I've had different agents, managers, everybody in this show business. They come and go, you know, who hasn't, you know, who hasn't left me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still here, and I was like, damn boss, you're the fucking man, dude. He is, dude. It just made me so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's the only one that's ever done that. He's the only one capable of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta bring back digital. We should probably do it. We should probably figure out a way to stream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not going to be able to have a public gathering for like six months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll, it'll just, people will just be like, I don't know, have you seen the fucking, uh, the different projections of like the, the, the, the curves on the death tolls and the hospital beds and all that shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if it goes unchecked, if we just went about our lives, this thing would like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we close everything, it's, I mean, it's still gonna, it's gonna take like two years for this thing to- So if we just purge- If we literally were like, yo, party's on dude, just keep rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the thing that sucks about that is we don't have any hospital beds for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's either we wait for a vaccine or we let it fucking burn through the entire population.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, are you willing to risk the entire economy global on the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ray and Paul caught it, Harvey Weinstein, all the elite geezers caught it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it happened already. It happened in nursing homes in Washington, got hit by it and literally the whole, everyone in there died in like a week. Did they really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but I mean, dude. Also, I think they were saying, everything is hearsay at this point. Even like, news is hearsay. But like, I think COVID can like, live on surfaces. It can just live on a surface. So like, you can just live on a fucking doorknob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people were like. Did I say it on this one? I was sweating from those mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I was like holy fuck dude, I have a fever. I'm fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old people. True. This is only, if you eat steak, eggs, hot dogs, and fucking Miller Highlights, you will buttfuck the coronies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] American freedom. Exactly. That's if you're true free, if you're a fucking gay pussy that's out there that's like, we actually need communism. Congratulations. You played yourself. Coronies is headed your way. Now you got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like us saying that shit, like just, they're just like straight face. Like, yeah, I think it's just, if you, hey, if you're communist, get ready, it's coming. It's just, we're literally just making content to bother people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That's why, dude, the whole time they were like, you gotta go do this interview, do that interview. I was like, if I explain why this is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so Chrissy Mayer made that dumbass kung fu fighting video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis is in it, which is hilarious because anybody who did any of those like musical parodies is kind of gay. But yeah, they asked me to do it and I was like, this, this is going to be bad. It turned down. You turned it down. I said, no way. But fucking, uh, people are just crushing her for being like racist. Who?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda racist. It comes, well the reason it comes off as racist is because it's very hacky and I know most of the people in it and most of them are actually racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, here's what I was getting at, and this is, uh, Bowen Yang, the dude from SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your close personal friend, yes? My good friend who spared me, thank you so much for protecting me, thank you. Uh, with your graciousness, thank you. Guy who actually made the cast, thank you for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead acted like he was Mother Teresa talking to a leper. He was like, hey, maybe that guy will be alright. I'm just proud I talked to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go, he reached out, he reached out. He did, he did, he did. Actually, it was actually a good guy, you know, he's a nice guy, but- Did he say like, fuck it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away he did, when I was still in the cast, he was like, yo, this whole thing is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like three days later when the writing was on the wall that I was getting fired, he was like, just do what you need to do to get through this. That's a nice, that's a nice bloke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He actually, he actually, I, yea, zero problems with him. Could have been a real bitch about it. He could have, same thing with fucking Judd Apatow. Could have easily fucked me. What did he say? Was he just like... Judd was just like, I don't, maybe he's funny, I don't know, I've never really seen him, so. Fair enough. He was like, I'm gonna hold out judgment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, he's pretty, he's not afraid to like outwardly. Anyway, so Bowen tweeted it. He was like, nobody in New York comedy respects Chrissy Mayer. He fucking tweeted that out. I was just like, damn dude, that's a little harsh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, you know, she's a comic. She's a low level, working her way up comic. Yep. And Bowen's on Saturday Night Live. Yep. To tweet that out is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's the thing, if you get called racist or like homophobic or anything like that, you get green lit. You got the green light on you. Anybody can fucking just buttfuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get that green light, like Louie, no matter what he does, people will always talk shit. Piece of shit. You have that little fucking green light above your head where it's publicly acceptable to talk shit on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody in our shitty society will talk shit on you. Yeah for sure. If there's no, if there's no repercussions and you're allowed to talk shit on someone, you will talk shit on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe an SNL cast member would talk about Chrissy Mayer and be like, nobody in New York respects her and literally every reply was like, who are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The video sucked. I knew it was going to suck. They told me what they were doing and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, there was actually a really funny tweet. Someone was like, you know how bad it, cause in the, in the replies, someone was like, why isn't Shane in this? And she was like, I tried. He didn't, he didn't, he didn't answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone in the replies was like, imagine how racist a video has to be where Shingula says no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. The thing, when Adam Sandler is the coolest, Adam Sandler for some reason is the coolest guy in every movie and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this like five foot nine Jewish dude? The coolest guy. Why are we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, I'll never forget it. This is when I like, even as a boy, I started to notice that Sandler was making himself the cool guy. Yeah. In every movie, Sandler like wrote himself in. It's like, and then when he talks to girls, he's like, oh, I don't know. I'm just a gentleman. Yeah, dude. I don't know. He punched, uh, in Mr. D, he punches a quarterback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he owns the Jets or something, quarterback comes in and is complaining and says something to a woman wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Adam Sandler punches him in the face and was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you just don't talk to women like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upped his stock a little bit in my book. If I had known he was out rock throwing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tell me Marky Mark has 4 hate crimes on his record?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bring up the screen and say, Google did Marky Mark throw rocks at black


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fucking lady back right has been dressing like a Star Wars character every single press conference.


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[Assistant] She literally dresses from the future in every, in every one of these. Why does she do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. And uh, most of the time her hair actually is the exact same color and texture as Trump's. So if they stand, if they stand close enough to each other, it's so funny dude. They just blend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta watch it. When you watch all of them, they're really great, including her constant Star Wars outfits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark Wahlberg's a tough spell, I wouldn't have thrown in the H. I think I spelled it right. It's gonna be, it's gonna be all about him beating up Asians. Don't. 88. He attacked Asian men in 88, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the Wikipedia, dude. Washington Post had it. Dan, that's a weird picture of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he just say he had four spouses? Probably, bro. Scroll up. Walbert might be the goat, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright. I just saw the four while you were scrolling. I was like, dude, if he has four different wives, he literally is. If he has a wife for every hate crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walberg and three friends chased after three black children while yelling,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, true. It wouldn't be bad to see who came up with it. To see who- Who's the Dutch, dude? I think the Dutch and the Portuguese were dropping it first. You think they started it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pop it off the shades and run it down as fast as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He pleaded guilty to attempted murdering- murder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, 06, he, he, he got another Asian, I think. Oh no, no, he said he would meet with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the party time tip, I can't judge anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to quarantine me from Twitter too, I might say something. I might. Remember that day Walberg hit a guy with a stick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With my rich southern neighbors, be like, aww, welcome to the neighborhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slide the door open. You had a pocket door?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a door right here. He slid that thing open. Motherfucker. This is just the office, dude. This isn't my bedroom. This is the office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a mansion, boy. I figured you're in the office. You can get, by the way, to all listeners, go to Airbnb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what, some, some local comedy clubs might not survive this, you know, when the businesses get closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We might have to, I don't know, somebody mentioned that like starting a GoFundMe for them.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna flag it. True. That's true. We're talking about good good comedy by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since day one, it's been like, hey, can everybody help support us build this comedy club? Oh, we need $50,000. I still have the DOS. I still have the DOS. Hard DOS. I might never need to drop it because I think they're not going to survive this economic downturn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hanging on, I mean, how can bad comedy be a business?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll donate my entire Patreon this month to them if they can survive through April. True. If they... I'll give them May, which you know, I'll give them May if they can, if they survive through April.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they have to build a mat and chains black or statue in the lobby. Then we'll keep them afloat economically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could probably buy that theater right now. We've talked about buying it before. I think now would be the time to buy that theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start the canonization, right? This episode is the canonization. Pretty much, dude. Light it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo dude, I'm so happy to be back here with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We needed to check in. We needed to circle up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did not think that that was a real phone call, cause you woke me up from a nap. Did I really? Well, I was, the nap was over. But, that was a really weird phone call to get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think actually executing that idea could lead to a life altering panic attack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now when people tell me that they get, you know, anxious or paranoid when they do drugs, I'm like, you gotta get more anxious and paranoid. You gotta get through, dude, when you're going through hell, don't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'm discouraged. It feels like you're sitting still on the couch while like the end of Poltergeist is happening. Like just all like the ghost power moving around. Just, fuck! Pretty much, yeaah. And then it passes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they're like the people that do it as like a vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure you just, white people brought heart attacks down to the ayahuasca resorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, have you ever seen the, uh, I don't know if it's African or whatever, but their rite of passage is they make you bungee jump with like vines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Death is impossible. Basically. You can't die when you're, when you're that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't see that, all they saw was you clear the tube. Everyone up top was like, hell yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just watching TV. Well, I guess that's what I'm trying to do. That's the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when the creepy crawlers come out and they get a hold of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy how much training I've gone through to be able to do the shit on weed that I was just gonna do if I wasn't high. It's like, I've spent thousands of hours and now I can finally fucking eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just been working really hard. That's so good to hit people with when you're high as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife walked in on me and Benz9, we were having a mine battle where we just were fighting with the wildest weapons that we can mime at each other. Like he's pulling out a rocket launcher from behind his back. At one point I climbed into a mech and like fought him in a giant robot mech. And my wife walked, she opened the door to come get us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, get high, have a mind battle with a kid, change your whole fucking life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, you think you're good at it? I'm on drugs, dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he call you before he called me? Okay. Cause here's what I think happened. I woke up from a nap and it was, uh, Matt was on the phone and it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I answered and you're like, Yoni, what are you up to? And I was like, nothing, what about you? And you're like, hold on, um, uh, and then I heard you like fumbling with your phone and you're like, I'm trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set up a conference call. Had just opened my eyes from a weed net. But I, I do, I do it all the time for work. I was like, ah, it'll take me two seconds. Let me do it. And then we conference then Sid. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From here, I need to be convinced that the rest of the phone call happened right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I hate to break it to you. The Craigslist antique dealer. That was perfect. Just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be afraid of shitting. So I'm so relaxed that you just shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't do it unless I could be so relaxed that if a shit were to occur I would have no control over it. I couldn't even, I wouldn't even want to stop it. I would shit in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm 30 minutes into a 60 minute transfiguration, I'm not, I'm not getting out and drying off. First of all, getting out and drying off of the shower to shit in the toilet. I wish I could shit in the shower.