[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does that happen first of all? It's because, uh, the, like, the last fluid to pass through your penis changes the pH level to make, like, when you're, when you're gonna comb, the pre-comb, I think, is to adjust the pH level in, like, your bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that when the semen comes through, the sperm stays alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you've got piss pH and you've got cum pH and you can't cross the two because you'll kill all your sperm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's, it's pretty closed off. It's like camel nostrils or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be sick if you built a tree house in the woods to beat off in. A jerk shack in the treetops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think any of it could be attributed to the fact that the mind isn't fully understood yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked a little bit about it on the Twitch stream, but I don't know if I actually covered it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was like, uh, psychedelic, uhm, meditation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, when we did the deep dive, I created a visual representation for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I believed was my lifelong chronic anxiety. It slowly revealed itself to me to be the manifestation of the planet goddess. We called her Santa Maria. Of course. It was Santa Maria dude. My anxieties weren't holding me back. They were, it was, it was the planet goddess let me know that she was gonna fucking push me forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, dude, I realized this all. I went home, I tried to explain this to my wife, I felt like a gigantic retard. She was nice about it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh for sure. And I had a nice time. It was a really nice afternoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you're internalizing everything and, uh, like you're, it's almost like your internal monologue turns off and then you start being able to just, uh, explore your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm already pretty close. You're laying there, your internal monologue shuts off and now you're exploring your feelings without writing a script for your side and then like imagining someone else having the other side of the conversation. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, uh, yeah, and the visual aspect kind of like elevates it and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was my, that was my big revelation from the whole thing. Oh, I ended up having a real, a real life impactful revelation from the whole experience. What was it? So yeah, I was just getting high on the base of my voice. Yeah, true. Obviously, dude. I'll concede. You're gonna agent Smith us. However, I realized I had this huge, uh, anxiety about missing out. Like, so now,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, we're kind of running ourselves ragged, like pursuing opportunities and goals and shit like that. And for, so that feels really good to get like returns on all that. Like we've, you know, good responses and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a new fear that I was like, oh no, I'm gonna push too hard for like success and I'm gonna, I'm gonna miss out on like those fucking moments I love to collect with my children, right? I have three kids. And uhm, I, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I started to, I started to spin out. I went into the fucking anxiety spin out on that. And then I realized like, all I have to do is commit to just like, going out of my way to create new memories with the fucking kids. It was as simple as that. I felt better. I still feel better about it. It's, that's one anxiety that can't even touch me anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If anything, I'm trying to say that your internal monologue trips you up. Exactly. Cause you get so focused on like what the, what the verbiage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's quicker to say that's stupid than someone who's doing absolutely nothing. Well dude, ask for an alternative. When you're talking about someone and someone says that's stupid, ask them for something better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, calling your wife so that you could dictate a movie script to her over the phone. Yeah. No big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I feel like I want to complain about something, it just tells me that I have to adjust something. If I'm stuck around something that makes me complain, I gotta adjust my algorithm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely not, it's not cynical. It's not cynical to point out negativity and choose not to participate in it. True that. As minute, as, dude, start with the smallest negativities in your life and put your fucking foot down. True. And say I'm not fucking participating in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's how, that's how lady circles feed, dude. They like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they're, they're like the fucking monster from the outsider. They're, they're grief eaters or whatever it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get in her ear and make her spin it into a life-destroying situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think if I practiced hard enough I could hands-free cum in the flow tank?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. Did you lock out every joint? I feel like you can't have any relaxation in your joints. You gotta be completely rigid. You gotta squeeze your thighs for sure on that one. Yea, straight legs, straight arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people hit you with that shit, all they're really doing is they're just telling you what their, their inner voice is telling them. Like they're getting hit with their own negativity and they don't know what to do with it so they bring it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. Everyone has that voice and there's like a voice in your head that like, it'll stop you from enjoying the things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My response was like, yeah, everyone's got fucking gay voice. Yup. It's not you. That's, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your internalization of all the fucking negativity that you've allowed to creep into your life, dude. You could say no. You could say no thank you to all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can saturate yourself with all this fucking negative bullshit, all the internet speak and then still live a pretty normal life. But my, every day right now is dedicated to me not


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Living out the rest of my life that way. Cause I was supposed to. I'm completely genetically and sociologically designed to live a fucking internet hater cornball life. Not happening dude. I'm doing cool shit only.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and cause there's like this temporary adrenaline boost or like an endorphin boost after you really shit on someone in a great way. And especially when other people laugh or click a fucking thumbs up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, I got fuckin' picked on when I was a kid. Well, I didn't get picked, I didn't get bullied. I lived in a fuckin' poor, I grew up with poor people. Everyone just shredded each other every day. Everyone had a shared DOS. Everyone was just, so everyone was like, we were like the fuckin' training grounds. Like, where are all the good fighters from now? Like Dagestan or something like that? We were the Dagestan of talkin' shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's true competition. It's not like backhanded, it's not passive aggressive, it was outright aggression and you had to compete. So even if you were like a fat kid but you were like, kind of a dickhead and could be funny, and that's a lot of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fat dickheads on the internet say things that make me laugh, but they're also poisoning themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long ago do you think we lost, if we, if we did have it at one point and we lost it, how long ago do you think it was?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had like a normie friend post something about like a psilocybin study and all that stuff. And uh, I was like, yeah, it's actually pretty tight. And then I was like, oh, by the way, my buddy convinced me to do mushrooms every day for two months last year. My life's never going to be the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just like naive and they don't understand that they are just playing like the B side of a domination game. Yes. That's all history is, is just like people taking turns dominating. And now that like they're getting a little bit of like social say, they're getting towards the top of like the hierarchy. And when they get to the top, they're gonna be like, oh, we're dominating everyone. This is actually pretty sick. Let's get to this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's either an emotional lacuna or you're mad all the time and shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no way to find the other people that you could say no more slavery to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually more thinking from the angle that like, uh, mainstream culture has been slowly absorbing black culture, but the pace is like picking up now because of like white girls on Twitter and in 30 years it's gonna be, like black people aren't gonna be able to create new black culture fast enough to outrun mainstream culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went in there with, we literally- Dude, please come to fucking Harrogate whenever you have time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also think that that's why they don't use crosswalks and they walk really slow crossing the street. It's like their first, like the first like active like disobedience against like the structure that they learned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, dude, they just disrupt, uh, disrupt traffic because it's like, you know, everything's set up against this, I'm just gonna fuckin' do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I would actually, uh, liken it to when we had our first child. And I was like, whoa, there's so much shit I don't actually care about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it didn't reduce my stress at all. I was just like, the stuff that I'm obligated to do to take care of a family now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great. I was more productive. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, weed and mushrooms makes me a better dad. Definitely makes me a better employee. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one guy who caught me on weed one day. What'd he say? Well, he needed help with his, uh... That's so funny, first of all. Caught me on weed. I won't say what job this was at, but I've always been an IT guy and I was helping someone with a computer thing way too early in the morning for the day I had planned. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember at one point he said something and I had to ask him to repeat it and I had to- I was sitting at his desk while he was standing across from it and I was on his computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think there was also a little bit of like, uh, go ahead young man, from him. It's kinda like, that's what's up bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an unnatural reaction. That is an unnatural reaction. Speaking of Sid Nansley's podcast, 2Jack wrote a shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you, have you and Shane, like, taken a moment to appreciate how many facets of life are being covered by the Shat digital umbrella?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Matt, Matt's kinda like Dr. Strange-ing, uh, like a central theme to it all though. It's all, like dude, he's built like a tower of light and it's all just fucking ascending and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, oral presentations, the studious nature of it. Yes. I'm telling you, the half understanding of everything and being okay with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, listen to, listen to, uh, huge dog response to Dad Meat so far. If you haven't listened yet, check it out. The whole point is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're probably a fat fucking retard, but I want you to know that that's okay and we can work with that. That's where I started. Hell yea. Episode 1. I'm a fat fucking retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, no, there is no episode one. You have to start on episode two. Because I'm a fat fucking retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it never, we didn't have a mic on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got, we've got a mythical episode one out there. Never to see the light of day. Because, because I'm a fat fucking retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, also follow me on twitch, twitch.tv slash Tim Butterly. Fucking crushing series games on there. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chat is fucking sick. Hell yea. Following sumo wrestling, crushing video game cheeks, that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I was playing Bayonetta 2. It turned out to be, I don't know, I was playing God Hand for PlayStation 2. Incredibly difficult game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like half of them, he hopped back in just to check in and be like, here's what you're doing wrong. It was so fucking sick. And then when he would pop in, the chat would go bananas. Oh for sure. For fucking St. VJ. God damn, that rule. I forgot all about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goddamn work every week, like I have a job. Did you guys come to a conclusion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay. Suicide. Okay, so you guys kinda just enjoy people giving you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely one of them. There's no way I'm, I'm just saying a lot of shit doesn't add up if you look into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The press was there already. Well yea, Newtown's right next to New York. It's easy to get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when I, I get like a, sort of like a nervous energy where I've, I've, I've, I've, like I realize how much I like escape into shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And cigarettes, I'll do it. Like I'll avoid, I can avoid like drinking or like doing like hard drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard to, it's hard to argue when it's all just vague.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Everyone except these weird corners of the internet. His family came out and was like, yea he's killed getting robbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She likes voodoo. I'm gonna vote, I will vote anyone. For Hillary Clinton. Chris is one of those guys. Do you support child rape?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So glasses dude? One thing led to another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So you can grow a heart? You can grow a baby's heart and put in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe advertisers weren't selling well and they changed the jargon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we can. I'm telling you, it's not as bad as you think it is. What? What we're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you investigate. Sputman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you put the volume on it. If you put the volume up. I'll put the volume up. I'll maybe talk about it a little bit. Whatever. I don't know why. When is the next content?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you talking about when they withheld money from Ukraine? Is this when Obama was president? Yea. And they did it like in concert with like all of Europe and the IMF and all that stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is when that happened. Look, I don't know this well enough, but I was under the impression that he was actually, they were removing the prosecutor to get someone in there who would prosecute Burisma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all independent media. Are you though? You watch Alex Jones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, dude. Party time. You're living salt life, dude. That's what's up. Woo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Shane. I'm Matt McCusker. Shane Gillis is to my left. Matt McCusker is me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what'd you think about coronavirus? I heard you're calling it some bullshit. The plandemic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think Bill Gates is holding out on the cure for it or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got something from Mexico like that. I had diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't kill us dude. Don't kill. You need us out here, man. We're good podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same here dude. I'm through a VPN right now dude, you can never crack it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? There's no glass. How do they keep you in? There's bars on the windows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got another question for you. What's your spiritual leaning? I observe you're a spiritual man. What's your spiritual leaning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, what's your plans man, what are you up to? What's your, what's your, uh, what's your domination plan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's your plan? What are you after right now? What's your goal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how'd you get, so she was, she was a prostitute. How'd you meet her? You guys like bump into each other and spill coffee on each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, did the Belizean government have a role in that? A lot of that, I know you caught a lot of flack for the Showtime documentary. You said that was a Belizean government, uh, just writing propaganda against you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weren't they trying to claim you were like making drugs or something? What was their initial chart? What was the charge?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fishy. It was fishy. I saw it. It was fishy. Fishy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. How much, where can I get massages from? I might get a couple. How much scratch are we talking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I have a very serious crypto question. I'm going to bring it up for you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are your thoughts on decentralized Oracle networks? Do you think they are a good idea? Also, what are your thoughts on Chainlink, a decentralized Oracle network? I've ever spoken to Sergey Nazarov, CEO of Chainlink. If so, what did you two discuss?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explain that. So what's that mean? If you're decentralized, why don't you need trust?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a question though, how would I not, I feel like if I did this, I would instantly get caught. How do you do this without getting caught?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can send $1.40 right now and get myself some Monero on the McAfeedex.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're about to let you go, we're gonna let you go, but we know you're a libertarian, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your current kink? What's your current kink? Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear that. Heard that twice dude, say it again. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what's up? You said you got, you said you got a bit of the in on the coronavirus or the rest of us are dependent on the news and you know, I don't know. I'm in the trenches, man. I'm front lines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know, because if Rogan put that one out, you talked about that, Rogan put that, uh, one out yesterday. And apparently that freaked everybody out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, what, like what kind of, uh, what would you know about the coronavirus that maybe people don't know? Or is that, do you know stuff about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, what was, it's no, what was the bubonic? Was the bubonic plague like a 30 percenter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explain that again, the Spanish flu was ramping up people's immune systems too hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the geezers are just, so it's basically geezer men. It's like Titanic style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, they only have so many ventilators and the geezers, the geezer men, they're just kind of like, you know, going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you can go, it's a good moment in terms of the geezer lifetime to be able to like stoically die in your sixties, that's not a bad way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about global warming is saving us from coronavirus, which is pretty tight. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a big deal. You listened to the Rogan one yesterday and you, you know, cause that a lot of people are saying, you know, it's kind of like, Oh, they're just hyping this up. So you're, you know, this isn't some like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be kind of like you were saying, hubristic to think like us humans could, could or are at the point. Again, I don't know where bioweapons are currently, but okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, I mean, that's again, my, my, uh, like whenever stuff like this happens, my natural reaction is like, oh, this is all bullshit. We had stars, we had, you know, whatever, we had like two or three of these things and I can remember, you know, it's always been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm in a high school right now and I went to the high school Monday, right? I'm teaching in a grade school in a high school or whatever doing counseling and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, you know, as I just had a kid, I'm like, I'm going to take off, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can still get stuff done for the podcast, which is cool too. So it's kind of like, I'm kind of, you know, cashing in on that, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am kind of bugged out. I'm like, I don't know if I'm like, you know, sitting in, what they talk about on Rogan was like sitting in shared air systems where they're just cycling air, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Montgomery, yeah, Pennsylvania, they got Montgomery County. I think they closed schools. I don't know if Philadelphia did yet. I was at a place and someone, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is actually, this is a good time. I can broadcast ended days from here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So long, so like the long shot, there's that, that's what's scary about it. Everyone's like, you know, when people say like, oh, you know, it's only killed a thousand people, but there's also in terms of the kill rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It seems like more of the move than putting someone in a waiting room, but just to recap. So the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so a bat was munch. Has that been verified in anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are like, if you're just half the munch of bat, like, is there a way to boil it? Or like, if you're going to like scoop out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we can, so our dog, we can for now chill with our dogs. We just can't munch any kind of creepy creatures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is good. They will probably contain the shit out of it. They'll knock that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, especially like China, there's like they can scan your face and recognize you in like two seconds and you know, they have this like, we have all this like technocratic world regimes and like we have a disease that comes and starts wiping out geezers and they're like, they're reading bats. That's how this fucking started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we going to start having these super bugs more and more? Like how, how is this thing? Is this, is it that this thing itself is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So easily spread or is it like, is it the conditions we're in that do this more like, you know what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I remember we were all hanging out, we would drink all day. And like dude, like at least five times, whoever I was hanging out with would get so drunk, they would just like, pour all their problems out on me. And I'm like, what the, what is it out? You know, I thought it was kind of funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got close talker, I kind of, my, I have an uncle who's like an actual genuine like two inches from your face close talker and I just kind of mixed up the two. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The story, so the story there is, uhm, you remember, do you remember that guy who got arrested actually, who was like a Harvard scientist, who was like getting paid by the Chinese government to run programs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what happens is this is obviously a real thing, but it's like the news can hype up things as much as they want. And they can also kind of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potentially be going on? I don't know. But if you're telling me like, no, it's legit. You know, this thing's spreading fast as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the other conspiracy that I, you know, I think could be possible of people trying to get a global market on vaccines. So then you have this bug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That spreads rampantly or at least you portray it to be spreading like, you know, worse than it is. And then now as a vaccine maker, you get to sell one vaccine around the world for this virus that, you know, could never come back again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a trillion dollar, you know, that's a trillion dollar business move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I get like you're saying there's more and more people or denser cities and you know, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so say that again, so the things that are associated with dying from this disease are more like type 2 diabetes, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Indiana Jones of diseases might have been spot on with that one. That was funny. He was just like, yeah, we're fat as fuck. So I just pictured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you don't respond well to ACE inhibitors, you could potentially get this virus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just so I have this, cause I like, I like, sometimes I'll just go, uh-huh, uh-huh, and I still have no idea what someone's talking about. So the 8th inhibitors is something that treats hypertension. Some people can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, some people, they agree with their system and some people can't take the ACE inhibitors and if you can't really tolerate ACE inhibitors, then that's associated with the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean from, you know, from the other stuff you're talking about from like, you're, you know, you're asking like the end of day scenarios in terms of like, from like, not, not even like a mythic perspective, but for like just people and like the psychology of it. It is interesting to think like, cause we are, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially in developed countries, an incredible bubble in terms of like our threats to safety are mostly non-existent, you know, compared to like everywhere else from any other slot of time ever for humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'll be curious to see what a little, uh, little brush up against potential widespread death does for the, uh, you know, for the mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wash my, yeah, eh, I wash my hands now. I just never wash my hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I wash my hands like a psycho now. I used to never worry about germs. I was very much just kind of like, I'm just particles from the ground. I'm eventually going to drop back into the ground and disperse back in. Now I'm like, all right, I got to keep the particle body alive for a while. Wash the hands. You know, when I play with the dogs and be aware of that, you know, so it's like, yeah, you got to take care of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, no it does, I mean, having a kid really for me it's just like, I'm telling you, I was saying, uh, on our podcast last week, it's sort of like a weird psychedelic experience that just never stops. It's like, you're, you're like, oh my God, like you real, there's a weird transition thing. Like everything's different now. And then it just, boom, that's it. And it stays. And it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, man. I'm still digesting it. It's a, but yeah, it actually, like I was actually in a grade school during this thing, being like scared to touch shit when in reality I was never, ever, ever like that. And I was like, like kid would cough and I'd move away like, fuck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, it definitely, it made me more aware. You know, it kind of, it feels like it plugged me into.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just society as a whole right away. Like I was always kind of, you know, aloof about everything and now I am kind of plugged into everything. And it was just like no choice of mine. It just boom happened automatically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna start working out because I do want to get real jacked for my daughter. Just so by the time she can like finally see me and recognize me, like damn he's fucking ripped. But the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is real. It is kind of, I mean, I don't know, I can't verify that it's myoxytocin, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they would choose a cloth over food. Again, I, I, you know, fact, I can, my brain spinning that into something cool, but I, I swear to God, I heard them saying they would choose a cloth over food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how strong attachment is. That's how strong, you know, biological, biologically driven our attachments are when we're like, you know, feeling attached to our family. Like the biology of that's insane because it's like, you don't have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's chillin' man, girls have it hard with that cause they're like, apparently, so, we had a c-section because the vocal cord is wrapped around her neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the idea, yeaah, that it kind of like, uh, just simulates the, like a surge of positive hormones to kind of help with that postpartum because there is like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, whether they say it or not, there is like a grief and loss thing of like, you were pregnant, now you're not. As much as they don't want to be pregnant, I'm sure there's like a, it's gotta be weird to like not have that thing inside you anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't know, man. I think that it's just the experience itself is so just harrowing. And then it's like, yeah, then it's like, is my attention is, or is my attachment strong enough? There's all the, you know, the, if you're already anxious, there's that self critical thing and then you're critical and anxious about your attachment itself. And dude, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just needs like, you know, women should have all for like six months after they have give birth to babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, what are you doing? Like, it's the most important, like the, the brain changes made within those first, like, you know, really like what is like the first like six years, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still, it's like, dude, it's so important to be there. And it's like, again, this is where like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tall order for me. Like for me, I'm, you know, it is like a, it was a big change. I'm like, I'm, I'm just like super stoked. I'm like, this is awesome. And I think for women, there's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, if like, if, if, yeah, either it like came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And pulled out of them while they were like, dude, that, that watching that was horrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of just like seeing, just seeing my wife like shivering on a cold table, just like, and just seeing her wince and hearing them go, Oh God, dude, that was like, that was tough to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave her a choice. They're like, we strongly, strongly recommend. And she just goes like, you know, unless we wait till emergency time, but you can do it now and it'll definitely be good. And she was like, fuck it, let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're gonna have to start doing like, like whenever I see like old Asian people doing like Tai Chi and shit, like in the morning in the park, it's like that dude, you gotta, if you're,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm about to start, I, you know, I've always personally, I've always appreciated seeing old men do chai chi in a park. I think it's pretty tight, but I'm going to start, I might join.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I'm gonna start stretching, doing all that shit now. That's the only, you know, last program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh? What's your program? Probably just like air punches, kicks, shadow boxing in the park. I don't know. We'll see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate it. Uhm, yeah, dude, thanks again for coming on and, you know, giving people a little, at least a little more information because I didn't see the whole Rogan thing. I saw a little bit, so it'll be good to give people a little more info on, you know, Corona.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, I got that. I got that already. I'm going to start applying some apparently Vaseline. My doc told me put some Vaseline. I already use it for my butt. So. Nice. You got the technique Dan. Yeah. Oh yeah, dude. I slather fucking Vaseline on my irritated butt like jelly all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, dude, thank you so much. And, uh, you know, I'll put a little thing in there saying, you know, just to say it's not a public service announcement, just, you know, chatting about coronies, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, how are you dude? I missed you. I know, I missed you too. I'm doing alright. I, uh, yeaah. I'm good. How's she going out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything's good man, it's, it's really nice out here, but uh, yeah, just, you know, it still sucks no matter where you are. Yeah. Like as I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, so he has like a main house, there's a guest house and then a, like a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then a trailer, like a camper that's fucking nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, in between, in between all of it is, uh, lawn ornaments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah dude, we're the future. I'm sorry. Your time's up. You guys had a good run. We're just gonna recruit Big J and bankrupt you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, he's going to lie and give a crazy number here and then off air be like 10 G's. I was going to say $800. Oh, done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You looking good though, dude. You look jacked. Are you like my fucking shoulders doggy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she does, she's, she got a fucking totally shaved head. I had long hair on the sides and we were shit faced. And I was like, me and Stan Hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had that for like 24 hours, I was like, maybe I'm not gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was waking up, dude, waking up with this haircut. I was, I've spent the last 36 hours or however long I've had this, uh, just every day I wake up just like, Oh, I'm silly. Is that it? I'm a goofy guy now with a cool, like a goofy haircut. I do hair. Yeah. I, I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, I know, I know, no, it does suck. And, uh, I'm just, uh, I gotta do something. But then what happened? We, we shaved like around the ear this part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to wear the same three shirts every day. You can try a new shirt, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New fashion, yeaah, I got a haircut, and uh, if I could have bought cool clothes, I would have. Really? Yeaah, it would have been cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a, this was a disaster and I don't know, I don't know what to do. Like, uh. You can't tell him no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he can. I can. He didn't demand the haircut. I did. Shane, let me shave your eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, this isn't, this isn't your fucking gay ass Legion of Skanks world where it's like, oh, let's piss on each other. Let's tongue kiss. I'll suck your dick in front of a crowd, dude. No, we don't fucking get down like that. It wasn't a real dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I will say this. So don't let him judge you. Uh, the other night at the bar, him and, uh, his manager, Chaley, they were just talking. I was having another conversation at the other end of the bar. They were just talking mid conversation. They stopped and kissed just a peck on the lips and then went back to talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you homophobic? No, it was real. It was real. I guess that's, that's something they, you know, do is kiss each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, I mean, I'm not like, I'm not shitting on them. It just caught me off guard. That's something they do, I guess. I don't know. Occasionally, if things are going well, they fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know though, they've been pretty defensive about it ever since. Like I brought it up and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they were, they're like, why are you so fucking, well you, so homophobic, or like. That is just really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, look, look, look. I expected this. It's all good. I understand. A lot of people are jealous of the sick ass moves I'm making. And the only way you can deal with it is by, you know, accusing me of being some sort of victim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out here doing cool things and you're trying to accuse me of being a victim. It's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was furious when I woke up with this hair. I mean, I wasn't like blacked out when it happened, but I didn't see a mirror until the morning and I was like, dude, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, I remember. I remember you, but you've been reading the same book for two years now. I read it over and over again. The first law of power should be can you finish one book?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I would have wished you a happy birthday, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long was she doing heroin? Uhm, she was like a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were a kid, you probably loved her, you didn't know. When you were young, did you like her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks. See most, most guys, you gotta wait until you're like in your thirties to be like, damn dude, I think my mom's a retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on. Matt, did you have that joke and you were just sucking them in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, cause Italians are the worst. Italians are the worst. Pollocks are second worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. And then Irish. Actually Irish are better than British dude. British song. We're the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs powerful brains like yours, dude. He knows you've read the 48 laws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, how many? Hold on. Alright, there you go. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a big win for you. I got one math.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta know the author, dude. You've read it. You're lying about reading it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Lewis, I love you, dude. You make me laugh so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like laughing with you. You're very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the audio listeners, this looks like the type of person that condemns our comedy. True. He literally looks exactly like everybody that does this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, uh, was it the meme you made? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's funny is he, and then he's, they're all like very, for comedy journalists, like, they think they're the funniest people, somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Seth. Seth's right about you, dude. I agree with Seth, dude. I might join forces with Seth, dude. I hope you do. Take you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Technically if genders are infinite, there is, hairy bitch is a gender.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, hold on, Lewis, let me stop you. Mullen, uh, Mullen just got back to me. Let's drop Lewis here and add Mullen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, he's trying to, that was a, yeaah, nevermind. What are you trying to say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's trying to say Stan Hope is going to make me sleep outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you think we're gonna scout in the middle of the night and get a little late night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was making a good joke that I wasn't paying attention to and I missed it. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on, let him, let him, uh, let him flesh that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, your, your son's mother's pussy was like a war vet? What do you mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you see a lot of like 50 year old Vietnam vets these days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hear you on that. A lot of stolen valor, but good for them, dude. I'll be stealing valor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's a complete non-issue. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were, Lewis, there were a couple brain bellies hopping around in Miko's bachelor party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a really fun night though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them were okay, but yeah, there was some, and then you could get trapped with a nasty one. They'd trap you. And you'd just be stuck. Yeah, there's always one stripper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last strip club I was at that happened to me. There was a, there was one that was the ugliest. It was crazy that she was there. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty good though, they're like Cirque du Soleil. Sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like mid-air, dodoing each other, with like one of them will have a dodo in the mouth, they'll be in the air fucking, they are talented slugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I've seen, yeah, I've also, I don't know if you can imagine this, Matt, but, uh, Lewis is a handsy. He's definitely, he's definitely a, uh, he's a butt pincher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to use the carnival thing, that's like, that's the equivalent of standing on the gravitron. That's what you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, I'll tell you, and then Lewis, correct me if I'm wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you're being a gropey asshole. I'm saying you definitely are the guy you walk in, you eye up every fucking dude in there. You set the tone, dude. You let him know you're ready to fight. You're there to either fuck or fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's rough, man. That's it, it does make you a lot more liable. If you, if you had like, uh, my life, like a pretty decent life, you'd, you'd be a shitty guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, they were celebrating, they were like, alright, one, alright, I'll stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it does work though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My child soldier bomb? Yeah, that was a rough one. Well, at least that was in context. But I did have standing on the Gravitron, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh sick. I fucking don't, you know, I don't have any Xbox or PlayStation down here. Otherwise I'd play with you. I'm sure one of my friends will DM you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm okay. If you just start playing, I'd be alright. I'd be able to be. Oh yea? You think you might be alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to end your entire, I'm going to take big J and that there goes your entire empire. There goes your cash cow. The shat and fucking gas digital crumbles, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like this, I like this. Like that, that's gonna be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, dude. You're a 38 year old dude that's high as shit that saw a woman on the internet and said, her tits suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? That why that's funny for you to just look at a picture of a woman and be like her fucking tits are garbage. She's got garbage tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a problem. To have the impulse to scream it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or and he was like, and this is, this is how you do crowd work and just sat there and was like, now I have a bunch of stories in my head already. The crowd doesn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's say I pick a teacher here. I got about 10 minutes on teachers. You're going to think I was riffing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also is funny to run into people that are like, how much of that was like on the spot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like after you do like an hour, it's like a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, please. I'm sorry, man. No, people will say- I'm sorry, pardon me? Go ahead. Excuse me? No, excuse me. Excuse me. Louis, please do more magic. Yeah, dude, let me see some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just do one more, yeaah, do another magic trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that got sorted in half. Were you trying to find like the mirrors?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, I kinda, I kinda, it's been a while, I've been here long, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I'll stay. I don't know. I have no idea. I'll probably leave in the next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's, there's actually like in the mountains here, there's some, a lot of pollen actually. There's a lot of vegetation. That sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Hold on. Damn, you just got that, Matt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I know I have it. I just, it's not that impressive. This is just how it works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny I feel left out from the helium thing after I told them no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away. I was like, nah, I don't think I can do any live stream comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What year is the penny? Pepper shaker. Uhm. Good question. Keeping them honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I did. I think that was the end of it. There was nothing else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like name an animal that starts with your letter. Is that next? Easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanted you to finish it. I was happy. What are you talking about, dude? I'm happy for you. This is a good, you're a great guest. This is my favorite podcast we've had in a long time. Yeah, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so much better to have you here when you're not running things. I hate you Shane. Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you dare, dude. Don't you dare, dude. Trying to get these crocodile tears, dude. These alligator tears. What are you doing over there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Louis came on and goes, no, no I didn't, it didn't blow me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you hit a big dude, when you hit a big, you fucking rule. True. Just in Vegas with tigers and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was dude, so fucking funny. You're the best, man. I miss you. I love you and I miss you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to get a house? Give your son away and then let's go get a, uh, let's get a beach house for like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck. You are such a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're talking about, you just, you just got whatever your girlfriend puts in her hair, or your wife puts in her hair then, that Bronner stuff, cause that's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna make me cry when I come, you fucking idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There he is dude. So, uh, you're familiar with homeless cats, right? Yes. Uh, so Brendan Schaub blocked a bunch of people. As the first dog that was blocked, I think it's my duty to create the stray dogs. Uh, so Wolf Wolf, Bark Bark, Gang Gang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Oh, uh, Zack. I'm beating Zack's ass on 717. We have a fight coming up. Uh, a couple guys are gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Twisted Joker, is that episode you were talking about him? I was like, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he actually knows, not a lot of people know about him. They're pretty fucking cool, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, all right. I'm sorry, that's absolutely evil, George. Uh, Zach, I'm gonna kick your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, good. Thanks for bringing me out. Hell yea. What's up with you? What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's nice. Fuck, aliens? Yeah, just hardcore planet building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no one cares. People are watching it at home, eating ice cream, watching with his head canes in and go, yeah, that makes sense, you know. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, all these 19 year old socialists are literally putting articles on Twitter now that they're like, the moral impedative for burning my mother, you know? Like, they're like, you know, stealing, you know, steal from me, uh, the moral imperative for looting. It's like, I mean, you want to see some of these people get a brick to the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are not oppressed in this country, like at all. There's no argument for that. So to run around dressed in all black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they've been preparing on 4chan for this, for the last two years. And it's like, it's like graduation, you know? Like you wake up, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is it! And they just go and they grab a bat and they're like walking outside, like. All of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if the government gives reparations but takes, like, takes off the cost of all the looted sneakers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, cause some, some dude was like, we want 14 trillion dollars ahead of, I forget, was like, what, 14 trillion in reparations? I think the government should be like, alright, you know, minus the cost of all the sneakers and property damage, you get enough 1500 dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could be fucking something where they're like, you know, if you have a peaceful protest, a great way to get people to not give a fuck about it or to turn on it is to just send a few people in there to fucking get you to pop it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's just chicks in the bar that are like, yeah man, you know, that's Tommy, you know, et cetera. And then he just gets real hammered at the end of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because right now, this is all being driven by Twitter, you know, and all these things that's inflaming us, making us crazy. But I think in maybe 20 years or whatever, we are phones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother, my mother's kids are factually in a mental hospital, and the last time I saw her, she goes, she goes, I just, she goes, just promise me one thing, I swear to God, she goes, just promise me one thing, I said, yeaah. She goes, if you can, just get me a Make America Great Again hat. I said, I'll try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her sister hates Trump and her sister's like, Patty, you're in a mental institution. And my mom's like, that doesn't mean Trump's not doing what needs to be done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I see my retweets, it's like Candace Owens retweets something. And then the next person who retweets something is a violent communist. And then the next time, it's just like, you know, we're all over the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta remember that. Trump's the president, like, people are, you know, celebrities behind the gates of mansions are tweeting, burn it down. I mean, this is exactly what it's, what everyone thought would have happened is now happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's a religion, and it'll never, you'll never be able to be pure enough to fucking be an ally. So it's like, I think they wanna lose, like, like, subconsciously. They don't want to win, they, they like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Elon Musk is like, if you thought the space launch was impressive, you gotta get a load of the new body suit that's gonna allow Trump to be the ruler forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys are not prepared. You didn't prepare them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. But yes, like, there's no pret- like, white, white kids from Vermont.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are not oppressed in this country, like at all. There's no argument for that. So to run around dressed in all black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Throwing shit, it's like, alright man, but come on, like, what are you doing?


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[Assistant] Like, that's really what it is. Like, if any of those kids...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they've been preparing on 4chan for this, for the last two years. And it's like, it's like graduation, you know? Like you wake up, you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if the government gives reparations but takes, like, takes off the cost of all the looted sneakers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's just chicks in the bar that are like, yeah man, you know, that's Tommy, you know, et cetera. And then he just gets real hammered at the end of the night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mother, my mother's kids are factually in a mental hospital, and the last time I saw her, she goes, she goes, I just, she goes, just promise me one thing, I swear to God, she goes, just promise me one thing, I said, yeaah. She goes, if you can, just get me a Make America Great Again hat. I said, I'll try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I see my retweets, it's like Candace Owens retweets something. And then the next person who retweets something is a violent communist. And then the next time, it's just like, you know, we're all over the map.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The really exciting project to bring to you, I'm like, uh, the earth is burning, you know? Like, let's give it a few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never make it back in the wild, you know? They're rehabilitated. You know, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shoot, you were talking about in the cast a while back, uh, the American Eagles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I work on all the computer stuff, you know. Oh, nice. It's a, being like a non-profit, it's all hands on deck, right? So something goes down, you sit there with the cigarette and go, I guess, uh, I'll figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the moral combat. Yeah, Matt's celebrating a number two in a video game, which I can't even imagine. Matt, I can't even bring myself to imagine a world where I would celebrate being number two in a video game. Never did, never did. Makes me sick to think of. I'm not, I don't like a silver medal. You got one, you got a silver medal right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tried to, you tried to accuse me of being gloomy about being, losing to fucking Noah in Mortal Kombat, and I don't care, at all, obviously. I mean, it was a good battle. Yea, it was a good battle. That double knockout ending, that was probably


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not in the little kids, little kid game. The button smashing game? Not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, you can't, I never, I always hated, if you play as a chick in a game, it goes against me, dude. It goes against everything in my soul. True. Why? Cause it's for girls, dude. What do you mean? Like anybody that plays is like, you probably play as Peach in- No. You definitely play as Princess Peach. That's why they put- Guess who I play as.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, although I did have a, speaking of Mario Kart, I've been watching Sopranos a lot, and uh, I keep trying to identify as Tony. Yea? I keep sliding into more of an AJ character. Who's AJ? His pussy fat son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see Tony do cool things and I want to do those things. Yeah. Like I'm going to start getting shirts that come down to like here. I'm going to get a bracelet and a ring. Dude, that'd be awesome. Like every time I see his balding head, I'm like, all right, sick. Perfect. I can keep that gold chain. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get a robe, start talking shit to people, say who the fuck ate all this. But no, there was an episode that I just watched where AJ...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was like playing football and then he came back to his house and he was like, why don't we play, uh, Mario Kart? And Tony was like, how old are you? When are you gonna stop playing these games? I was sitting there like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Also, Tony, Tony was pretty racist, which was, uh. Extremely. Lamar, how do you feel about that?


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[Assistant] Tony who? Tony Soprano. In today's climate when he's saying such-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to like fists behind him and he's just like, listen, as the great Dr. Farrakhan said, yea. Yo, you know what was really interesting? Now that I'm on this fucking race kick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really fun to see the way all the analysts on ESPN handled Deshaun Jackson quoting Hitler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Versus the way they treated Drew Brees who was like, I don't know, I think you should stand during the anthem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every analyst was like, yo, I talked to Deesh. He, you know, he was trying to lift people up. So, he just, he just worded it wrong. He was just trying to lift people up. It's like dude, he quoted...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he actually misquoted Hitler. What'd he say? He attributed a quote to Hitler that wasn't even Hitler. So everybody was using- He ghost wrote? Yea, I mean he literally posted a paragraph that said, Hitler said, it just turned out it was wrong. So people were like, it wasn't actually Hitler, that's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird. He thought he was quoting Hitler. He tried to quote Hitler. In a good way. Yea, he tried to be like, Hitler was right that the Jews are trying to extort America. But it wasn't. And he posted that online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that sounds, that sounds like, sounds like the big man. But it is, it is really fun to go back and watch, uh, watch how they handle drewbreeze being like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the flag. It's like, I like America. And they were like, piece of shit, get him out of the league. It's time to retire. Deshaun Jackson was like, yo, Hitler had some decent points. And they were like, my man's just misunderstood right now. It's like, damn, alright ESPN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, I believe, I could be wrong, I think during the SNL thing, Wild N Out reached out and offered me a spot on Wild N Out. You should have taken it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck me. It'd be so, like, people are like, yo, if you do SNL, you're a sellout. Do you know how big of a sellout I'd be if I didn't watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, technically we are allied with. We are allies of black conservatives. And we agree with almost everything they say. Except when it comes to the fact that you and me are subhuman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give him that. Yeah, I know. Dude, I'll fully own my Neanderthal blood, dude. It is true, like when he's saying shit like that, I do have to analyze how I behave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was funny. Yeah, I saw, uh, the Jews got on Deshaun a little bit. Did they? Slightly. Uh, Mitch Album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tuesdays with Maury? He wrote, he wrote one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wrote a scathing article about Deshawn Jackson. On Deshawn Jackson? Yea, basically again being like, yo, Jewish people are pretty much black people, guys, chill. Come on. We're all, it's us versus the white man, what are you guys doing? Yeaah. Shut up, Mitch. So he was basically like, we're allied in this together? Yea, he was just, well actually, he was a little aggressive about it. He was like, you wanna talk oppression? We've been oppressed since the beginning of time. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, I gotta get into Glenn Lowry a little. Glenn Lowry. I gotta take a look at his work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, fuck. Yeaah, I was up in the Poconos with my friends, with my boys, dude. My boys from home. Two days. Which was two days too many. Really? Well, the first fucking day I got there,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got there at night, so there was first, there's ten dudes in a cabin. Not a cabin, it was like a fucking house in the woods. Someone had a coke just by law of averages? No coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No coke. There was no cocaine. So that was not, not many of them do. I don't think really any of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pot, pot was the big drug. There was no drugs. Uhm. Let's go. But the air conditioning broke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was raining all day. So the house was like wet from everybody walking in it, and so hot, and just ten dudes farting. It was the worst. And I didn't have a bed because I got there like last. So I just sleep on a couch. Also, everybody woke, they all have jobs, so they all woke up at 7am. A bunch of them were like married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a bunch of like aggressive stoners dude who like went and slept. Nah, they weren't, they're not even like stoner. They're just getting drunk and playing golf. Okay. And like waking up drunk. Yeah. It literally was a frat house. Okay. Like there was pizza and wings fucking everywhere. Damn, you're a dude. Just like wings in the sink. You're a dude on the couch. I had a dude on the couch this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but what was great is they went and played golf and me and O'Leary


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just drove around and pested them. Nice. Oh, you didn't play? Me and O'Leary didn't play. We just drank and drove in between the two teams. Just drank and drove all weekend? And boy, a couple of them didn't like it. Really? Yea, there was a lot of friction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't get it. I don't get the, the, how serious dudes take golf. Especially when they suck. All my friends kinda suck. They all kinda suck. Yea, everyone does suck. And this is the only thing on earth they take serious. What are they shooting? Yea, I don't know. Individually, not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they all played best ball. Both teams. What's that mean? So, four of you hit drive. Yeah. Whoever had the best drive, all four of you hit from there. Oh, so bumper bowling. Yeah, they brought the bumpers up. Basically bumper bowling and somebody who was in the back like, you guys suck. And they were like, shut the fuck up, dude. Put the bumpers on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, they got, they all got hammered. So first off, they're like shit-faced, playing golf. And like, so I was driving the car, so I would hit reverse whenever they would be like in their backswing and shit. And dude, they'd be like, get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, a couple of times they freaked on me. I was like, dude, you guys, what?


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[Assistant] I mean earlier you were just dying. How much did they pay to play golf at this place? Probably a lot, but at the same time it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know these guys, nothing, they take nothing seriously. Besides golf. Like you could be at your friend's funeral and they'd be like, shhh. Like, yes. And then all of a sudden they're on the golf course and they're like, not in my backswing, dude. Not in my backswing, I'm very serious. It's like, you suck. You're hitting a, you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're at 105, that's your score right now. Shut the fuck up. Anyway, so, I think I lost all my friends from home on this trip. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four. I think I got 40% people were happy that I was there. They're fucking around. But overall I think a lot were unhappy at my even being there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, also it's fun to slam on the brakes in the cart, like in, while someone's in their backswing to just like screech, it was great. It was so fun. And uh, yeah, my, my one friend got like shitfaced and tried to fight like his whole team. That was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, throughout, throughout the day, dude. He fought them on the course, and then in the car ride home, and then he got back to the house, passed out, threw up and passed out, and then came down the steps like five hours later, just swinging again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also they all listen to this, so. Hilarious. Those little fuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, a few of them are married and their wives. Hate it dude. Dude, women hate, first off when you're, when you leave the house. Yeaah, oh Jesus Christ, it's an issue. This is how dog brains was invented. If you leave the house, they think you're dead. It's an issue. They like rip up a couch. Yeaah man, no. Oh yeaah, they.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Golf, golf, I mean it's fun to, it's fun for me, I'm single, I just go get fucked up at the, having a bae to come home to, having a lady to come home to, to fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like after day drinking and, dude, the sunburn and day drinking and coming home and being like, you have to do this. You said you would do this today. You're like, I'm just trying to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta fight a lady in like, polos, uh, polo and khaki shorts. Tucked in. Ugh. Well, I guess, a visor sunburn on your head, you come in going, boy, I was just gonna... Oh, my favorite part was me earlier, he went to the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then came back and there was like a potting green where like you can warm up and we couldn't find our friends. They were camouflaged amongst every single, we had a group of ten friends and couldn't find one. Yeah. Cause they're like zebras. It was crazy. Like we showed up and it was just a bunch of like middle aged like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New to being fat dudes. They're all, they're all new to being fat. None of them. It's so funny. All dressed like they're on a yacht. Yes. You couldn't, you couldn't tell what, like one of my friends from just a random dude. It's fucking unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was funny though to be at the court, I, cause, uh, I walked in, I was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy was like, you gotta just pay a cart fee if you're riding. Walked in. I was, I grabbed a water. I went to go pay and the guy was like, don't even worry about it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're good. And then I was like halfway out the door with the water. I was like, oh shit, I almost stole this. And he was like, that wouldn't have been a big deal if you did. No problem. And then I was just like, dude, just white dudes rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, just white guys being white out at this country club. Just like, pssh, don't even worry about stealing, bro. I got like, just like, have fun, man. You and your boys. All you have to do is wear a polo shirt and khakis and every white dude will be like, you're the man, dude. Whatever. Yeah, it's all good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'd say, I'd say more recent than that. I'd say...


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[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta include though. Now I hear you where it separates is white people are the ones hiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeaah, I mean it's- I mean it's there no matter what. That's not exclusive to- For sure. For sure. For sure. It's not exclusive to the honks, but what is is the job market. Yeaah. That's where things get weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found some meaning. I started betting. Oh, there you go. Big into gambling, that's fun. Are you really? Yea, dude. Put a ton of money on Orlando vs Miami in MLS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got the W. Did you really? Big win, and then I immediately- Beginner's luck? Squandered it over the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you won gambling? I won big early and then literally up until last night was just blowing through it. I, how much you win? I won like 350 and then my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] UFC, I can't, I can't bet. I'm one for like nine bets in the last two UFC events. Really? It's almost impressive how badly I lose. And losing a UFC bet fucking blows, dude. Cause your guy just gets the fuck beat out of him the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, just when it's like a dominating fight, like, uh, Masvidal fought Usman. Usman's this Nigerian, like, wrestler. And he's nasty. I mean, he's like the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, like, hoping he could land, like, a knockout or something. He took the fight on, like, one week. He was just an underdog, so I was like, fuck yeah, 100 bucks on Masvidal, let's... And he just got, like... Did you, did you watch, uh, Khabib vs. Conor McGregor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single round. Just toe stomp. He fights like my dad. He hugged him against the cage. Yea. That's who my dad got that shit. Fucking fights, stomps on your foot, it's bullshit. So, Usman just hugged this guy against the cage, hit him with shoulders, and stomped his foot. For three minutes. Where's Usman from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Niger- he's Nigerian. I don't know if he's from there. Okay. But yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really sucked to watch, just sitting there, just like, all right. Cause I lost every fight going into that. And then I was like, dude, my husband was also going to win it back for me. Just slowly lost. Just sitting in a fart house in the Poconos with a bunch of people who, by the way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really carried over that hate during the golf course back home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, some slight cold children, when I was trying to get the flights on, on the TV, they were like, no, we're watching something else. Like, just like, little snide, little passive aggressive, like, I was like, you guys don't wanna watch? I'll pay for it, let's watch UFC. They're like, no, we're gonna bet on Family Feud or something, I think they were doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's never a moment where someone isn't getting attacked. The whole trip. PAs the entire time. PAs the entire time. Like, there's ten of us together. At all times, somebody was getting attacked. Never stopped. I don't think there was one...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I had a conversation. I think everything was just like, shut up, bitch! Just the whole time. It wasn't really a moment of like, how are you? I don't know any of their jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what, it was just PAs. Damn dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, no, you know dude, I'm tired of it. And then somebody takes a stand. It's like, if you say it again, I'm gonna fuck you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And they immediately say it, and they're like, well fuck you. Like, no one's gonna fight. It sucks. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well yeah, if you fucking, I mean it's day drinking. Even if you're golfing, it's still, dude, anytime you day drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? That fucking, uh, that War on the Run book I'm listening to, the French and Indian War, they get the pronunciations so accurate that I can't. It's like, dude, I can't make that. Because there's a bunch of French dudes. Yeah. So it's like, at which point, Commander Jean-Cépillier tells Tom, bon dia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also have, alright, sorry. Go ahead, no, please. You wanna know what else is fucking me up? So I'm done with Warhammer. Yeah, okay. This is a big announcement. You're done? Yeah, I didn't really like it as much as I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four stars, four stars. It was cool at first, then it was kind of gay. Uh, downloaded three kingdoms, total war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Masterpiece. Really? You would love it. You would fucking love it. I bet, I bet. It's, uh, ancient China, and each character, like the generals had, like, aw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I'm pronouncing it exactly right. But, they do pronounce the Chinese names exactly correct. Really? Which really fucks me up. It's impossible to read Chinese names. Yeah, it's pretty hard. LIU, like Liu Kang. It's like Liu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can definitely say Mongolians. Comedy Central airs a show that says Mongolians, like, every day. What? What show? Trill, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's easy, it's easy. It's the same reason these people don't get cancelled. Like, Jimmy Fallon, fucking all them. Money machine. They already have, they're established and rich. Yeah. You can't get, the only way you can get cancelled is if it's sexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The step is, that's what I keep trying to pick though, cause you can pick a warlord from anywhere in China. I always try to get as close to the steps. Those dudes with like the fur. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get me fired up. But yea, there's a, it's, I keep trying to say their names. It's very frustrating. I can't figure out the names of these fucking cities or whoever I'm fighting. It always says at the beginning, it's like, cause it gives you directions of like what general might turn on you, who are you friends with and shit. I immediately, I can't, I can't differentiate any of, it's like Leo Biao.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that, which one's Sun Byul? Sun Byul or Sun Jang? Really? I don't know. I'm having trouble with it. I wish they would fucking speak English.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can remember those guys. Anyway, sorry. No, that's a tough battle dude. The new move, fuck war hammer, it's three kingdoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tucker's awfully tan. Have you seen him lately? Yeah, well, he's gone on vacation. He's definitely tanning, which is, maybe he's just doing it to imitate Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, every time I see him, I'm like, look at the contacts up there. In what world? Obama?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's his opposite, dude. He's Nega O'Connor. He is, dude. How do you say that? Might have said that wrong. Like a Nega prison? No, uh, what am I looking for here? La Mer? Please, take a stab. Nega. Nega. Thank you. Didn't want to get that one. You're ice skating right now, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've always done it. I mean, not just China, everybody. Like, I think like, the Bin Laden's studied it like hard. Like, you can look it up. They were like at McDonald's being like, so how long do you dunk these fries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they, for real, they go, every, yeaah, they go to American schools.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, I sexted with a lady and I was like, oh, like God, like I said God, I was like fuck, like she sent a picture and I was like God, that's hot. But it just made me laugh thinking like if I was Arabic it would have been like, praise Allah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. I enjoy being a part of it, but I don't like having to say things. You know what I mean? It's gross. Be a text to be like, because you see a news, like how do you even, what do you say back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna condemn these fine women. I'd be like, knock it off. What are you talking about? Like, what are you doing? No, no, no. Please, beautiful angels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A picture of like a dick that was cut open in half. Okay, so what's up? His or not? No, it was just a random guy just sent me that so he's definitely listening to this and laughing right now. Which is why they do it. Which is why they do it because it does, it made me laugh because I was like, I was at the dinner table with my family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we were just like about to sit down, I checked my phone, and I don't know why, I saw an image and it was like click accept if you want to look at the image. Yeah, I always do that. On Instagram, so I accepted it, looked at the image, it was just a split open dick. That was it? And I just put my phone away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ate dinner with my family. But it was funny to think of some dude, I was like, why, like I was thinking to myself, like, why would a guy send me that? And I was like, literally for this exact reason, where I'm sitting down with my family and I'm like affected by some stranger online. Just like, ew. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand what the seed thing is. I can't even imagine why they would pick something so insignificant to try to fight you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean as powerful and kick ass as women are, a toilet seat pretty much tends to always defeat them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do accidentally piss all over the floor. I piss all over the floor consistently. Yea. Like once a week I'll take a leak that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me that like a party at like someone else's house. What do you do? Just piss all over someone else's like bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was laughing because the toilet dispute you guys have. I have a similar one at my parents house right now. Me and Slammin' Sarah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slammin' Sarah Sosa, who's like bedridden, cause she's going through chemo. You're fighting her on the seat. She has her bathroom back by, in her room, near her room. But it's the only bathroom on the first floor. Yeah. So, obviously I'm gonna crush it as often as possible. Dump, dump it on the first floor is nice. You have to dump on the first floor. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not, cause the other one's just up in like my parents' room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like to, like especially- Sanctuary for sure. My mom's doing like laundry on their bed. I'll come in and dump in that just to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny. So you're a proximity dumper. I'll occasionally do that just cause if she sees me going near the bathroom, she's like, no, go, get away, go. It's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I flushed it and it didn't go away. So I just left it. Like I was gonna clean it with the fucking toilet bowl cleaner, cause it is disgusting to walk into a bathroom and see someone's shit plaster on the back of the toilet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the dispute at my house. We both had toilet fights with women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're jealous that we get to bone our dads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I don't know. Worth it? I mean, I guess. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you convinced a room full of grown men to be like, I believe the theory that we all want to fuck our moms and we're afraid our dad's gonna cut our dick off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a fan, dude. I don't like that. It's just a wrong theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kleenex situation is unchanged. However, I have switched tactics now that it's been brought up by so many people and I've been critiqued. Also, my, uh, my jerking off has slowed down quite a bit. Really? Yea, just, I wasn't home for like two or three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, it's been a week since we discussed it. The tissues haven't been touched since my secret mission to throw five tissues in an old box. Tissues have not been used once. You've been easy on them. I've been taking it easy on them. Yeah, I've been giving the Kleenex a little break. Is that it? Where are we at time wise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll find out. Stay tuned bro. We'll find out. There's, there's rumors. Eh, we'll see.


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[Assistant] Just keep your, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Keep your phone on you tomorrow or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anti-pet movement? Yeah. I was just thinking about it the other day. Really? Every time I get on Instagram, everybody's got a new fucking dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. It's kinda fucked up. I like that, I like that you jumped to, like, the most, like, instead of just, like, going vegan, being like, I think, you know, factory farming's fucked up, you're just like, dude, pet, having a pet is slavery. Literally, that's kinda what that- Fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had this thought yesterday. Did you really? I went over to Fart McGuire's to do Peloton. Perfect. And uh, when I got done I was just sitting there looking at Riggins. He's a big dog. He just sits in the living room all day. Yeaah. He just sits there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He like, breathes hard constantly. He just said, I was like, damn dude, this is his, but he's a dog. It's a good life, dude.


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[Assistant] And then occasionally someone throws tennis balls to him. He's chillin'. That's a dog, he's happy. He doesn't want to be out in the woods foraging.


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[Assistant] Roughly. It's like 12 chickens. It's crazy how many, it's crazy. Every time I, every time I eat a plate of wings, I'm just, every once in a while I'll have the thought of like, this is seriously an entire chicken coop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Meat does rule. Every once in a while I try to get like, uh, gay about being vegan. And then I'll just think about how, how my wings, dude. They rule.


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[Assistant] Hooters, chicken fingers, if you get the Buffalo Tendies, some of the best.


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[Assistant] I don't even know, I think chicken fingers are like hot dogs of chickens. It's just ground up chicken.


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[Assistant] Fuck, I had one more thing. Whatever.


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[Assistant] The Patreon's about to be war mode. Yeah, brother. The boys Billy and Spot are coming up here. So that'll be on the page. Uh, you got any, are there any sick ass questions on that?


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[Assistant] It was like her pantless with a dog over her vagina. And it was like, where did my pants go? It literally said, where did my pants go? Her username is like Jenna Dog Girl or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I don't know. We'll find out. We'll see man. We'll see what's in the air. We'll see if love is in the air. Me and Dog Girl, if I can take a girl to the mall and make her drink out of a food dish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I wonder how- I put Dog Girl down with, like, there's the kids table, there's the adult table, and then there's just dog girls under the table. She's in like a- fighting for scraps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. How's that? How's that for questions? Anything else?


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[Assistant] Getting called a simp does, it's not, it's not fun. Getting called a simp? Getting called a simp, someone was like, yo fucking simp it, our king simp it for dog girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Sue was not having it, yo. She was like, that one boy's laugh is terrible. And then, you know. She didn't like Stav's laugh? I love Stav.


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[Assistant] Is it squirt? Is it like a squirter?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Really? Yeah. I'll fuck him up. That's fucked up, man. That's okay. That's your father, dude.


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[Assistant] True. Word of 59. Oh perfect. Let's put our feet up for the next 60 seconds dude.


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[Assistant] Did I say something fucked up there? Did I try to? It's like...


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[Assistant] Hey, I'm playing my game. What did the score say?


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[Assistant] Uh, the name of the kid was Phuc Bui Diem Nguyen, and the professor asked them to anglicize it because it sounds like an insult.


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[Assistant] Hell yea, baby. Woo, we're actually live, dude. I love it, dude. I'm electrified right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My body still has extra calories. Yeah. I tried taking a, I had like a four minute now. It was about six minutes.


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[Assistant] Dumped in four minutes, pinched it off and was like, I think that was what was troubling me from the night before. Cause I had a bad case of, today I've had a bad ass, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a bad asshole, yea, just like a fucked up, I had a mechanic ass all day. It's the worst. And then I was like, I took a dump before this, I'm like, I think this is a dump that's gonna solve, bring me back to baseline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I just started, I was a dabber, first I was doing like a, you know.


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[Assistant] I'd stop in my sack. Motherfucker. People are saying it's quiet. Juice up the game, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. How, how? I don't think anyone taught me how to wipe my ass, dude. No, I guess not. I told you, one of my earliest memories is in preschool. I waddled out with my pants down to my preschool teacher and was like, can you wipe my ass pl- I don't think I ever really learned. So I think my preschool teacher wiped my ass, I don't remember how I got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's, I think you're allowed to call it, I think you're allowed to call it. Oh no, I think it's Butt Queen. Well, Butt Queen is someone who like, fucks your butt with dildos. Let's not call it that. No, I think we called it an ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, don't call her my partner, yes. Not my wife, it's gender.


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[Assistant] I've done it where I like, I'll be like, I'm just gonna scratch the very north pole of my ass crack, like the tip of the top. Oh yea, try to stay out? Yea, you'll scratch that part, and I'll bring my hand, I'll fold my hand back, and be like, I can live with this, and then it's like, dude, it's a full shower, it's like an unexplained shower, I'm like, I just feel sweaty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my, uh, my dad's dad died of colon cancer, so I wonder if he just, I think that's a warning sign, having a constant shitty ass. Definitely. So and also I started a new thing, I'm doing intermittent fasting right now, so my ass is just like, what's this dude? Yeah. So. That could be it. I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to work at Brewster's and I came out of like a hard fucking dump and I was like handling someone's ice cream cone and the manager like an idiot was like, man, did you wash your hands? And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's like, it's like bothers you for 15 seconds, and after 15 seconds you're like, eh, my hands move on. Exactly, you're like, this isn't gonna hurt me. But yea, so that's, you know, that's a lot of potty talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how we start. That's a lot of potty talk. But that was, that was, I was almost, if I had any more time, I was gonna shower before this. I was gonna hop in Billy's shower, rinse out, and then hop. Cause of your ass. Yeah, exactly. I was gonna take an ass shower, but, you know, you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happened last night, I felt like I was wet. That's the exact feeling. I turned to move and I was like, I want to actually cuddle.


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[Assistant] Well, first of all, first of all, yeaah, that's, you know, I, I can't have that. And second of all too, it's like, you know, we were suppressed by the government, so until we get our due, this flag stays wrinkled. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] You know what happened, dude? They fucking put the kibosh on one of our secret operations. Oh, that's right. We did that episode.


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[Assistant] They might've. By the way, they can read through all those encrypted, uh, encrypted apps.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Le Maire. That's only major concerns, dude. This flag stays wrinkled, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, how was Travolta? I was talking about, dude, so, by the way, my bad, I thought it was under my Twitter, and I was tweeting about the Dixie Chicks and John Travolta. Oh, under both of us again? I thought it was under mine. I was being like, oh sweet, the Dixie Chicks, they changed their name, they're no longer the Chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Tina Fey's from upper Darby, dude, so she's probably, they're probably like, whoa, whoa, whoa, relax, relax.


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[Assistant] He got paid. True. He got paid. That's sick. Well that was, yea, he was like showing how an actor would go so far into the role and then stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think he was, I think he was trying to show like his troubled history. I don't know. He's like, this is what they used to do. And it's like, well, it counts as blackface. Sorry, dude. Sorry, bro. He didn't get treated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a second, Alyssa Milano, she's like heavily tanned, isn't she? Already? No. She's a white bitch? Not even, no. I thought she was like, for some reason I thought she was like super tanned.