[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's been, that's been one of my more favorite things about, uh, this whole ongoing thing. I think the protest and stuff is cause now it's slipping into trans black lives matter and just seeing black people that were protesting like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. Hold on. Is that us now? What's going on here? You're marching for transfer. Which is, you should. Yeah. You should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, then you started to get into like, some of that. I didn't know if that was like a troll or what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, once you break it down to a subset, yeaah, that's what happens. But it sounds like you and me are defending all lives matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just pointing out the fact that it's funny when Black Lives Matter gets broken down into Black Trans Lives Matter, a lot of people are like, well, all black lives. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now trains are more at risk than you. True. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is funny because we never really complain about the healthcare system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much. America is Fat Sparta. It's Fat Sparta, dude. Boy Love. No, that's Greek. That's the thing. That's the Greek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a bit of a vulture. If Phil's eating something, I always act like I'm going to grab it. And he, it's, it's just, it's too fun. Does he box you out? Yes. He immediately goes, what the fuck are you doing? Like if you reach for his food, he's like, fuck her. So fun. Or if he has a knife or fork, he'll fucking swing it. He'll go for it. Which is very fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my dad does the mashed potatoes. He sees my hand reach for his tates. But he, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You must be so happy when I leave. Oh my god. Finally, just to fucking relax. He's gotta love it, man. He does, he does, he's happy. He's so- I'm walking with him with the remote, and I'm like, I'll stop doing it if you don't laugh, and he's always like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's the only one I was a sweet boy. Smiling, laughing, looking up to him. Now I rub his head. He loves it. Yeah. But, uh, so there was some leftover chicken. I went for it. He immediately boxed me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, you know, it was an un- he wasn't there for it, but he does honor the called it code. True. So if somebody called it and you weren't there for the call, you still respect- you hear out the- you hear out the claims. So he threw down the gauntlet. So then he fucking put his elbow on the island in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just instantly was just like, and I was like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sosa was watching me literally record farts and send them to my friends in the group chat. And this bad boy broke out. Oh, you got it going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was chipping it out of the green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of people would have picked that up and not sent that, but I played, you know. That was good. Yeah, pardon me. Don't do that. And uh, but yeah, Phil, Phil laid down the gauntlet. I will say I was laughing the entire time, so that doesn't really count as a win, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freshman yeaah, in 8th grade, no, no, no. It could have been 8th grade. It was, I think my junior year in high school. I beat Phil in wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I called Jonah in for, I yelled for my mom. I'd be like, you have to witness this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he'll lie. Cause you were fucking. I had him pinned. Did you? And he couldn't get up. Long enough for me to call for my mom to come upstairs. But anyway. He created a monster. He created, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have to get fat enough where people don't bring it up to you because it actually is hurtful. Yeaah, that's the thing. That's where I'm at. I take my shirt off and people are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you have to be the meanest possible, like if, if you are slighted in any way, you respond with the harshest thing you can. So if somebody's like, oh man, you're fat. I'm like, oh well, your parents are dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The harshest comeback. Wrap your heart in barbed wire. You can't let them in. Yeah. You can't let them make fun of your love handles. You have to bring up their siblings. You said I had bitch hips before too for the record. Well, the hips got me, dude. I passed that on to you. Bitch hips is the meanest thing you can call another man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my bichips. You're like a male bikini model. Yes, and my bichips were very pronounced, I guess. Oh. And Slammin's, Slammin's area in Far McGuire just had a field day. It was just, they were just taking turns. But bichips, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd they give you? I mean, Bitch Hips was, Bitch Hips was a rough one. Yeah, it's Thunder Thighs. Thunder Thighs is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to confront that at the laser tag when I saw Phil's cum jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna tweet when you fall. I'll let you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you have a kid and you're working, but if I do one 45 minute Peloton, I'm exhausted for the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that's crazy. That's how that works for girls' tits. Yea dude. Like fucking. Don't tell the babies at home. But hourly, they're like, oh, this is about when they would have to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's gonna be hippies, Jamie. I see you looking it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Oh, you just got some Chaz comments you're trying to get out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need, we're gonna get Lamar and Mike and he forgot it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. The head of a 1619 project, the lady who does the podcast wants your Notre Dame. Notre Dame's in the house right now. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you called me, you called me yesterday and we're like, I think we might've not had the audio and I was like, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucked. And like you were saying, like we both had these ideas thought out that in your head, you're like, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like you explain it to yourself in your own head. Perfect. Got it. Anybody could understand this. Yeah. They're like, oh yeah, I didn't use words on that part of my thought in my head. I just kind of was like, well, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let's put this whole thing out and then we'll figure out a page this week. Yeah, I'm thinking about checking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, we should just do that. It's a new month bro. Yeaah, we should just do a dog roll call this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they got like, uh. No, I meant the white man's reparations to the Native Americans enslavement of the white man. Oh, so they had white, Native Americans. Turns out the reparations was the United States. The entire United States. Yeah, white people were like, meh, call it even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, your North African bloodline is definitely Barbary Pirates that had em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't see like dogs fucking and be like, oh man, that dog's a rapist. True. Same way, but like if pirates are fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stanhope stood by his man. Stanhope stood by his man on that. He did dude. Stanhope's a loyal dog. Uh, Buccaneers found this out. What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, the Spanish owned most of Haiti. They owned Haiti. They got out of there when they found out there was gold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mainland like, in like South America, they were more focused on that. In comes some French and British pirates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People still do that. That's still people's lives. They just- Pirates, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, people had em. I'm so glad that my ancestry is filled with only people that were right. How so? We just never fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was curious. Uh, no, I never did any of that. Yeah. Well, my family should have though. We claimed a hundred percent Irish for a long time. My uncle was like, no, Gillis is Scottish. We're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be like, oh fuck, we missed it. And then just take all the good parts of that one and carry on to them, you know? Just freestyle it. Anytime we redid an episode, it was better. Sure that. We just get better every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch the tape, I was laughing. No, Phil beats, Phil guaranteed would have beat me. It's a tough one. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough one to concede, losing an arm wrestling to like a 65 year old man. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you have to do to become great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you guys, thank you for listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be in Indianapolis tomorrow and St. Louis Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I think I just booked San Diego.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fucked up, cause you know, it happened to me. It happened to me, but it's funny to think of DeLeah giving out dates on his last podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm being mean and I'm doing exactly what I criticized other people for, which is delighting in another man's downfall. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice to have a watch over us. Uhm, alright, thank you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not much, I actually just bought a new key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, man, just, uh, quarantining at my parents' house right now. Hell yea. Do they know you're high? Maybe. Do they know you're smoking dope at their parents' house? Do they know you're blazed, dude? Aw, dude, they might. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you live? Uh, Boston. Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry bud, I'm sorry bud. Hey Claude, you just exposed him. It's like a diarrhea butt, dude. It's just like a perfect circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. We're fucking live. Yes. We sound good. Well Mayor, we should be good to go. Let's check the comments. Let's check the comments on the sound. We should be good to go. I heard also from a couple of my confidants, they told me you kinda gotta ride these mics a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, I thought, I thought these were like, you know, the ones you can kind of like speak into like the general vicinity. What confidant? Just one guy said he works for the radio before. Nice. You gotta, you gotta stay up on those mics pretty hard. Uhm, what up bro? Chillin' man. What's happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying. You got a silver medal right now. I said, I said morale's low. Morale's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not button smashing, dude. Not for me. Buttons, I'm like, I'm analyzing, I'm watching. I hear the tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem is, you get like a strong heterosexual like me, I'm checking the girl out the whole time. I can't fight, it's not a fair fight. I'm like, I don't want to, I'm a Christian obviously, I don't want to hit her. Even if it's a bug lady. I'm a Christian, I'm heterosexual, I don't want to hit her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Get it? You come, your wake up pattern's pretty similar. Come down at 10 AM, just kind of tired. In a robe, start talking shit to people. Grubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, again, I swear to god, it's, uh, black people give Italians a pass because they're like, well, the mob's cool, so you guys can be racist. That's been my experience. Like, well, the mob's cool, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the quote, I've seen the quote itself was about, I think like one of the prime ministers of Israel saying we're going to like bleed America dry and just toss it to the side when we're done with it or something. And he was like, it's probably Hitler. Hitler said it. Yeaah, that sounds, that sounds like, that sounds like the big man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nick Cannon has lupus. I actually did a little research. Weirdly enough, last week I did research into Nick Cannon. Yea, he has lupus and he drinks two gallons of water a day. So he's doing his podcast on like two G's of water, dude. Probably having to piss every like five minutes. He's like, yea, you gotta see the thing about the white man. He's like, let's take a break. Two gallons of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah man, he, uh, I mean dude, he's on fire this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or be like, I am coming from a place of abundance because of the ice age 15,000 years ago. Yeah. Well, dude, Brett Weinstein just had a, uh, like a roundtable discussion with like not all, but primarily


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was funny because he had this podcast where it's just him and nothing but like black intellectuals and he's like, all right guys, something weird about this. Let's uh, let's talk race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't throw like two other white people in there to not make it look like completely bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. It was like if he built warm daddies and then hosted warm daddies, it'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? True. And then he, you know, he started talking like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one, one point he was saying something like, you know, like we can't, it was something about like making excuses for people who are, he was basically saying like crime is just from deprivation and it's a, it's a, you know, normal response and then someone,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kept alluding to the fact that people were, it's like the real problem here, it's not racial. It's, he's like there is a racial problem, but the real problem is the fact that there is people who are hoarding opportunity. He was saying rent seekers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Weinstein was like, he was like, there's rent seekers, which I, I still want to figure out what the fuck that is. I, I just thought that was like, like a sneaky way to say Jews. I didn't know what that was. Rent seekers? He started saying rent sneakers? I'm like, I guess you can say that. Because Weinstein's Jewish. So he started saying, then people started like bringing up stuff like, well, if you say like, you know, I don't know, it was just funny. They brought up- It's his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So weird dynamic, cause he was like, it was just him at the top of like a Zoom Brady Bunch panel, and it was him like, Glenn Lowry, go! Thomas, you know, Thomas Chatterton Williams, go! And they would all do like a round robin and talk, it was pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just chillin' on the cart and talkin' shit? Yeah. Ah, I mean it is, and golf is an infuriating sport for somebody to sit and watch and not play and be like, dude, you fuckin' suck. You fuckin' suck. Oh, for sure. But, I would get out, I'd get out and hit a ball and just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, golf, I, my, uh, one, there's like, uh, one of my friends from the neighborhood golfs and it's like, I'm always blown away by the amount of gear it takes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just gonna be like, oh by the way, this weekend I just won't be, I'll just be gone forever. And I'm gonna get fucked up and hammered the whole time, then come home sunburnt and pissed off and just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has to do with like a high tight square buzz cut in the back, which is something Oakley's on, kind of turning red. Slamming a core's light. All new to fat. I've never gotten in with, I've never gotten, I think too, golfing is one of those things where I think as a dude, you like, you hear about it growing up, you look forward to it, you're like, oh, this is my fun time. And then I think you start to do it and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to play golf, you just want to get drunk and drive around a vehicle. It's like, pshh, you're good. You're gonna have fun. Knock yourself out. Yeah, that was the, uh, that was the issue when I was watching the, uh, the Black Intellectual Roundtable featuring Brett Weinstein. That's so fucking weird. But they were arguing about structural, like systemic racism and all that stuff. And, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you know, you can make the cultural arguments, but then it's like, then there's like, you know, as recent as like 1995, early 2000s, there was a huge portion of America where like, say a white chick brings home a black boyfriend, it's a fucking situation. Like that was a reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depending where you're at. I'm talking large swaths of America. That is like, and that's like a thing anyone can, no one can deny that. Everyone can be like, well, the job numbers, blah, blah, blah. But if you think that doesn't affect like upper management positions where it's like, I wouldn't let you date my daughter, but God damn it, I want you to be the CEO. It's like, they're mutually exclusive, but they're not like, so yeah, that was funny watching people argue about that where people will be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not real, there's no, it's like, there's, yeah, there's stuff, there's, there's stuff in there, dude, of being like, that would have been, again, that country club would have been like, you hear his daughter's date in black eye, and they're like, what? It would have been a situation, you're like, shut the fuck up, dude, I'm doing my backswing. So that was an argument I took away from the Black Intellectual Roundtable, but I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it was just, it was just funny man, it was, uh, I don't know, I think we're struggling right now for, right now, there's like no ideological system that really serves people in a way that's kind of meaningful right now. I think we're struggling to come up with a new one. So that's, that's the battle. They're like, systemic this, and we're like, what about the crime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you took, you took over Soundwaves? Damn dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but Tony, that's hungover golf lifestyle, dude. Just PAs, like you fucking suck, that guy's a fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, someone just beat the fuck out of my cousin, dude. He like, got like inter, like brain bleeding and shit. Really? Golfing all day, drinking all day, went to the bar, someone fucked him up. It's fucked up, man. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, yeah, my mom was like, I don't know, they were golfing. I'm like, alright, so drinking since 10 a.m., continue. Like, yeah, it's like. And then you have Biden being like, well, we haven't seen that marijuana safe yet. And it's like, dude, you go fuck yourself, man. True. He's so full of shit. I'm on a quest right now to legalize growing. So you know how they do the medical thing in Pennsylvania right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like basically you need, I think I said this, you need $250,000 just to apply and then you need to have like an indoor warehouse, all this stuff. What I'm trying to do, and I think this is the time to do it right now, is start pressuring local people and saying like, look,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So right now we're gonna have an economic downturn. They always do this, they're like, oh the state needs money, the state needs money. So we're gonna just do this, let five people do it, tax them, let five people get rich. It's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have a bunch of people where like the dispensary now is going right to the money, right, going to like, you know, smaller kind of businesses rather than five big companies that are already established in Colorado who are like, well we have the money, we'll just come over to Pennsylvania and monopolize the whole weed market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the state gets paid off of it, but it's like, you could let the people who live here get paid off of it, tax their money, the state would still get a cut, and then all of the citizens here would be getting a ton of money off the weed profit. I don't see why they don't, it's fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. There's no reason why they shouldn't do this. And they're like, what about the black market? It's like, well, it eliminates the black market. If you let everyone participate in growing and selling marijuana, the black market fucking goes away. It's like, why would you take the risk when you can just do that legally?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? You tell me. Dude, I'm telling you dude, I might get into local politics, just be warned. Just be warned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get assassinated by Cresco Labs. They might hot shot me. They might send, they might give me some sort of like, I don't know, maybe some like, tangy OG. Just fucking dust it with fentanyl and I fucking go down. I could, it's possible. I, I hope Cresco or Terrapin could take me down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cresco, Eilera, Standard Farms. I kinda like them. Terrapin, not bad either. I've talked to them before. I called them. I kinda, I called these companies and bugged them. I'm like, what do you put on this? You actually test assist you to do this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to grow weed now, you have to, it's, it's illegal unless you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like all the people who are in jail for it, they're still in jail, but if you have a ton of money, you're allowed to do it. And the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so just bullshit. And they like, so it's like, I could sit here and use, they're like, well, you need all this capital to start up. It's like, yeah, because you guys only do indoor grows. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the sun. I can grow weed, I can put this in dirt, and it'll literally just sprout up. You know, you can do a little bit of work, but. So they're making it so you have to grow weed indoors, you have to waste a ton of energy, when in reality, like, everybody can just be doing this in their backyard. So like, it's not a criminal issue anymore. It's like, alright, you're letting rich people do it. What are you gonna run for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got, so the other night, I got jacked up on, I think his name is John Beljard. It's like John Beljard or whatever, I don't know. Everyone, on the YouTube thing too, I've watched a bunch of his videos, there's so many nerds who are like, great pronunciation of his last name. It's like, dude, shut up, you fucking dork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know any Chinese? And there's also, I think there's like 26 different pronunciations of like, the syllable A. It's all, eh, uh. I can't speak Chinese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, you have to rape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's a lot of, there's not a lot of Mungarians who are going to be like, yo man, what the fuck? It would just be a Chinese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was reading a thing recently about the CC, obviously too, our problems are not with Chinese Americans, it's with the communists. Yeah, we hate communism. Well, I was reading a briefing from the FBI, and the guy gave a speech, as if he was like, to be clear, we're not against Chinese Americans, but the Chinese government is an evil communist force, blah blah blah. Did he hear about, I think it's called Operation Fox Hunt, I'm gonna say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, allegedly, the Chinese government will find American- Chinese Americans and come pressure them and be like, yo, fuck you dude. Come back and they'll try to blackmail like prominent Chinese Americans into coming back to China- into China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dude, that's what I heard. The FBI put out a thing being like, if you feel like you're suspect, if you're being suspect by, uh, Operation Fox Hunt or whatever, let us know and we'll come be like, Yo China, shut the fuck up dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, it's like AZN identity art. True. They'll come by. Don't say their name, dude. They'll get us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty funny. What did you hear? Or like lamenting who their women date? Like those fucking bitches dating white pigs? It's because they're whores. It's because they're whores. Dude, did you hear about Tucker Carlson's right hand man went down? How? He was getting wild in the forums. Typing like all kinds of wild races. That was like his top dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they got, they busted his like pseudonym or whatever he was using in these forums. Someone got the DOS on him online. He would like leave writing things for Fox News, be like, America, think about this. And he'd go home and be like, these motherfuckers, these fucking black motherfuckers keep crying. I was like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would leave a job writing like, basically like shaping the national discourse in America, and then just go home and be like, oh dude, black people say they're tired, why don't they fucking try sleeping a little earlier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're done with ISIS, now China's our new enemy. You know, this is, this is what we're doing. It's fair enough, but they're also saying that they'll send, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Students here, and like, they'll get, you know, the whole time, according to the FBI, you'll get like a Chinese student who's like a transfer student, goes to Harvard, gets like, works for like an American corporation, gets access to trade secrets, and just bounces, and it's going right back to China. Well, they've always done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alok Bar, what can I get you? I bet in some, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just shut it and be like, dude, what, what on earth, what would possess you to send you naked pictures of you unprompted to my phone? That's assault, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say, thank you, please. I'd report to, you know, you can go to the authorities for that. I say, the prophet? That's a misdemeanor, having someone, forcing someone to view pornography. You could go to the authorities. You could be like, I'm calling the police right now. The cops would fucking laugh at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been battling Bay on uhm, well we've been having a classic power struggle, which is, it's been going pretty well. Dude, I've gotten really good at uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm working, right now I've been working on this whole idea of just, like, combating non-biological fear and just, like, not giving things that aren't biologically based any sort of biological attention. So like, basically, like, if something, like, if, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that would trigger your biological systems. I'm talking more about like, uh, I mean, but yeaah, it's not a biological, it's not a real biological threat. So it's like, I, whenever something happens that disturbs me, I try to, I try to, I try to.


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[Assistant] She, I mean, it's a classic conundrum, that whole toilet seat thing. Where it's like, it just, in theory, it just doesn't check out. It's like, alright, I'm gonna lift it up so I don't pee all over it. Yeah, for you. For you, and then it's gonna be clean enough for you to just simply lower it.


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[Assistant] I think I have a thing, you know, this is kind of Freudian, but I think when women have to lower the seat, you're triggering like, Freud, like, teenage envy. I think they're being like, I can't just...


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm lacking, so I think, cause I was like, look, it's, I'm lifting it up, you know, in deference to you, and if I remember to put it down, I will, but you can't freak out if it's up, cause it's like, I moved it up so there's no pee on it for sure. All you have to do is just, like, simply drop it, dude, she'll, I'll hear it from the basement, it'll just slam down, and it's just like, what is the, what's the base, what's the rationale, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll be talking in it, we'll be talking and then it'll be like, you know, she's like, well, uh, you know, I had the kid more. It's like, dude, I hear you, you know, I'm working full time and.


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[Assistant] She needs your boobs to eat. I can't feed. I don't have, I don't produce milk. That's bullshit. That's cause I'm a woman. It's like, look, if you want that, you want that all the way.


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[Assistant] Don't be slammin' that. It's such bullshit stuff, but it's like, there's no reason that that should be a thing that all women are just like, yeah, like you, we, that's ridiculous.


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[Assistant] I've been, I've been trying to get to the box. Most times guys are just like, oh, guy, girl stuff. Oh, you're sorry, ma'am. And it's, I'm like, what is this? Hang up here. There's no pee on this seat. You've got to, you have no problem lifting the lid. Then if there's my bathroom where I just like, I leave it up all the time because I'm like, I'm not using this one. I'm going to go over here because I don't want to hear it. She'll put that one down. No problem. And it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? What is this symbolic battle we're having? It's like, you know, so. The power struggle has been nice, but the whole moral of the story is I've gotten really good at when I get confronted with these things. You just piss all over the seat. I don't piss all over the floor. Sometimes I do accidentally piss all over the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you bring up a gender-based rule in your house as a dude, if you're like, well look, you're a woman, I'm a man, they're just like...


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[Assistant] They're eye, they go full fucking Liu Kang dragon dude up in the air. But it's like, as soon as they're like, just put it down. That's all I'm asking. It's like, well why? You know, whatever. It's, you know. True dude. And eh, you know, a tale as old as time. But that's been, that's my theory. I think it triggers penis envy. Freudian, like they look at it, they go.


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[Assistant] You know, they go all the way through their steps, they're like, damn, I never got to bone my dad. That's, that's like the first step. That's what I'm gonna do. That's the electric complex. They're jealous.


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[Assistant] That's where Freud got it wrong. I was like, they're like, I'm gonna start telling people, be like, dude, it's so crazy, he thinks we all wanna fuck our dad, or our moms, and people are like, yea, I know, like, I always wanted to fuck my dad. I always wanted to bone my dad. Well that is, that's the, uh, that's the theory, that you wanna bone your mom, but the price you pay, if you're gonna try to bone your mom, your dad's gonna catch you and cut your dung off.


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[Assistant] That's a sick theory that a bunch of scientists in Vienna in like 1907 were like, ehh.


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[Assistant] Yes, Doctor Freud. Yes, Doctor. He was, he was a bully. He was a bully.


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[Assistant] That's his, that's his classic critique, that people were like, I don't, like his, he had Young, he had Ad, he had a bunch of these dudes who were like at his disposal, and he's like, you guys are gonna carry my legacy, and they were like,


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[Assistant] I don't think this is all about like coming near our mom. He's like, NONSENSE! And he'd pass out. He used to faint a lot. Good.


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[Assistant] So yeaah, I kinda respect that. They're like, dude, all of your stuff's revolutionary, just let this one...


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[Assistant] Speaking actually of, uh, we can take, we can just take this out, dude. Are you, are you familiar with the anti-pet movement?


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[Assistant] And that like, you're like, you know, you're telling it when it can eat, telling it when it can go outside, and in reality, this is what this one, I was reading this one dude's blog, he's a vegan as well.


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[Assistant] He was saying that like, he's like, you know, I have a couple of rescue animals, but at the end of the day, if there was two dogs left in the universe, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't, I let dogs get, be extinct before I kept them as pets. He's like, that's how strongly I feel. So there's, there's a movement called, you can start calling people out. It's kind of fucked up, you and an animal. Pretty tight. I might get on that. That's good. It's kind of fucked up.


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[Assistant] Well, if we, you know, eventually they started making tons of profit, but they were like,


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[Assistant] We can take, so you study chickens, you track how many eggs they lay, so you're like, you would think in theory, if you take all the top layers, like all the hens that lay the most, and put them together, like a little box they put them in, they would then


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[Assistant] No pun intended in the box. If you put them all in a box, you would think if you screened out the top layers and just let the other like oddballs that just lay like one egg a day or like one every three days. All those losers. All those losers die off. So they did an experiment where they'd have like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Differing, like, layers of hens actually still somehow produce more eggs than like just nothing but top dog hens who lay more a day.


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[Assistant] There's something, there's some function of a hen who doesn't lay any eggs plays a weird function in Chicken World.


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[Assistant] So when you try to like mechanize nature too much, they're saying like it actually works. So they have to like let loser hens live in like their little three by five cells, which is pretty fucking funny.


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[Assistant] This is how I eat them, look at that. You get the one that's like, there's like the drumstick shaped ones and the weird like...


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[Assistant] I get- I have a hard time eating chicken wings when I'm really stoned. That's when I start like-


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[Assistant] Be like, I'm ripping flesh off of a thing, and like, I have dead flesh in my refrigerator, and like, it's gonna, like, I'll start, I'll get into smelling meat, I'll take it out of my refrigerator and just smell it, even if it's fresh. Yeah, sometimes, or just sometimes regular, and I'll just be like, just smell it, and be like, God, that's dead meat, it's dead flesh, and I'm just like, ugh, and I just cook it up, and it's pretty good.


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[Assistant] I mean, I don't like Hooters wings very much. We used to go there when I was younger because, you know, Hooters, red blooded American.


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[Assistant] Dude, if dogs become, that's why there's vegan guys onto it. He's like, look, if we eat stink dogs, we can just have dog girls.


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[Assistant] Defuse your sniff out IEDs. I would do that. You mind if my dog girl searches your car? I'd just be like. True.


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[Assistant] Yo, I got, I got vodka in a sippy cup, dude. I'm fucking crushing it. Damn, dude.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there's a, it's like a whole bracket and it's going on one night, uh, but, uh, I'm going up against that.


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[Assistant] Uh, here and there. Uh, mostly, mostly just doing comic. But. Yeah, I'm sorry, so who are you battling? Uh, you know Matt Himes? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, Cassandra Dee's on it. Uh, Ryan Foster.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, and just like a bunch of other people. Nice, that'd be fun. What's that on?


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[Assistant] That's disgusting, she would take a role from someone who is actually trans. War Modes of Podcast of Inclusion. Huh? War Modes of Podcast of Inclusion.


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[Assistant] Swear to god. Dude, I talked to, I talked to a person who works in an ER and I, uh. What are they doing? Like emergency? No, like they like saw the, saw the penis and it was huge. Saw a trans, a trans. A woman who became a man. You give yourself a unit. F to M.


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[Assistant] Before I record the podcast, no days off, I fucking, there was a lady there, I made a mistake. What was she doing? Where? In my bed. What? Here? Huh? Here?


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[Assistant] Yes. Isn't it where we are? Disgusting, dude. Committing adultery?


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[Assistant] This isn't like you, dude. You're out boozing and sleeping with women. My cousin got engaged. I was happy. I heard that. Celebrating love. And...


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[Assistant] We haven't missed a day yet. True. It's Sunday, like a church.


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[Assistant] It wasn't the one, it just like, one thing led to another, you know, and I was just like, fuck. Were you horny for? No. You weren't horny for? You weren't horny for.


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[Assistant] I was, but then like I woke up, I was like, it's gonna lead to nothing good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I did. Leave it alone, dude. I knew that if I would have partaken, it would have led to a bad thing, so, you know. Eh, but still, either way.


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[Assistant] There's like a good chance she's just doing it for money, right? Yeah. Doll girl? She's definitely getting paid.


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[Assistant] Dude, he's talking about something that happened in 94.


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[Assistant] Dude, that's junk to say. Dude, you're 63, I'll punch you in the hip. That's toast. I'm playing too much Mortal Kombat, bro.


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[Assistant] It may matter, like the smallest ones there. Well, I mean, I'm pretty, you know.


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[Assistant] See, he's like 6'4", wouldn't he? Oh, really? Yeah. Well, he's like lean though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] If you want to start going off about what someone looks like, someone's posture, take a picture.


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[Assistant] Right now, time stamp it for right now. It's not a good picture, just what you look like.


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[Assistant] Don't be a goofball. What are you talking about? I ain't goofed once. I had to stare right at that wall when you're talking about beards and stuff like that.


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[Assistant] I mean dude, I mean do it, do it, yeaah. I cracked my phone, I chipped my tooth, I'm an idiot.


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[Assistant] True. My bad. One of the goats. That's what I don't get. It's like the people who comment on Kylie Jenner's shit on Instagram. It's like, what the fuck is the point of that?


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[Assistant] It's like you and a bunch of people like see my wet horny pictures 18 plus plus plus.


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[Assistant] Well, that's what happened. The CHOP literally just started their own shit. And- Didn't they just get kicked out? Dude, literally, like, four black people got shot and killed.


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[Assistant] But I'm saying that was all they had to do in a little tiny square and they couldn't figure the fuck out. And the same people are telling the country to chill with that. So dude, you guys couldn't figure it out in a few square blocks. And you're trying to get a country to do that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like an overdrive hyper normalization. Yeah. At the speed at which everything is happening now compared to just like


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[Assistant] Like all the Mike Brown shit, like all that was like kind of slow. Now this is like overdrive.


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[Assistant] That's why I get jammed because people in my group chat will hit me up and they'll cite like MSNBC. Well, they're pretty credible. Oh, that's the one of the six billionaires is pretty credible.


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[Assistant] Nah, don't sleep on Russia. They still rule. They just are. Russia rules. My brother's buddies in the Air Force, high up, and he's like, Russia is the least of our worries. They're so fucking poor, they can't do dick to us.


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[Assistant] I think you'd have to- I know you'd even like that. Look at you smiling. You'd love that. That's what- no.


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[Assistant] It's not too late. You could turn around at any point. There's a pole bar right behind us.


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[Assistant] I fucked up one time, dude, when, uh, I think Fed was still at the house.


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[Assistant] I was, I must have been in a blur. Like, cause we have my bath, our parent, our like family bathroom, and my parents bathroom. And on the ground was, uh, what the hell was that? Maxim magazine? You can jerk off to Maxim. I blacked out.


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[Assistant] And I left it there. And Kevin woke up in the morning and picked up and was like, dude, what the fuck? I was like, oh shit. It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right? It was just sitting there, right?


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[Assistant] Matt, Tom and Kevin beat the fuck out of me one time. He snitched. I stole a piece of paper that was about that big with a tit on it.


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[Assistant] My sister found it. Yeah, my sister found it. And I was like, it's Kevin's. Matt, Tom and Kevin all destroyed my life. Yeah, we gang-stamped him. Really? He snitched, dude. Did I, what did I do? Laugh.


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[Assistant] You lost power. Last time I ever cried from a beating was from Matt.


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[Assistant] That's what I said. Got a little trimmed there. I freaked out. You know what I mean? No, I love it. I told you about mine.


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[Assistant] On our last Patreon, Spade said poetry is not gay. Yea, he loves poetry. He's listening to poetry now.


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[Assistant] Well that was because I called my high school girlfriend fat. What? That's why I didn't say she was fat, but I said, your prom dress makes you look like you're pregnant.


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[Assistant] Wait, what was a P.A., dude? You just P.A. me? No, you know, you were saying- You just P.A. me through a P.A.?


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[Assistant] From America. Catholicos. Yeaah. You like some good Catholicos.


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[Assistant] I probably would have to drink and I don't plan on drinking for a long time.


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[Assistant] I just do it because you get shit on if not.


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[Assistant] That was the worst way you could have handled that. I mean- Just start crying. For real, that is- Are you 12?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm getting married. What do you mean? I thought that was, you already talked about that.


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[Assistant] What's the muppet? Beaker. Beaker, yea. I called him, I sent him a picture of Beaker. Yea. To my dad, Matt, Spade and everyone and from now on, if Tom gets tough ever, my dad just says calm down Beaker.


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[Assistant] I don't hug my sisters. I hug, I hug my sisters. I don't, I'm just saying, that's how weird it is.


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[Assistant] This is done for, dude. What? You can't be doing that shit.


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[Assistant] If you're talking all this holy shit, I'm going to hear your sins and forgive you for cursing and stuff. You can't then move a pedophile to a bunch of different places who's who've raped hundreds of deaf kids.


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[Assistant] That's what John McQuarter's saying, everyone's, that no one has a, like, uh,


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[Assistant] How do churches rule? They're so weird. They kind of rule. See that's like Justin Bieber goes to them and shit. Yeah, dude.


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[Assistant] This is, this is the, this is the state our country is currently in. True. Oh, alright, when we fix all this.


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[Assistant] I think, I think we're coming. We don't have, we don't get any, like, not too much hate on our Reddit or Patreon. People freaking out. True. You live in truth, I mean, people can't come at you.


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[Assistant] If you, if you speak your mind, what's someone gonna do? Say that was mean? You gotta stop all that shit.


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[Assistant] She got up to fight. She clearly didn't need it. She was like, she could walk.


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[Assistant] Pretty sure that's why Epi fucked with the little ones dude. He had that.


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[Assistant] Dude, but you were horny and your mind took it. Your fantasies were running red.


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[Assistant] Well, that's a, you're lucky. Maybe I have COVID. Bill will tell you. You might have lost your sense of smell. Bill will tell you I smell.


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[Assistant] What's your address? If it breathes it zips. If it breathes it zips.


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[Assistant] If it breeds, it simps. We are all simps. I just have the balls to pay for it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, they call it, they were like, cause of COVID, John, we can't work cause we're bartenders and waitresses. Like we won't have enough money. He's like, ah, I'll lower your rent for like $250. Get the money off their debt.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's not even fair to make a 60 year old scape simping is monk sell. Yeah, monk sell. You just don't look at tricks.


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[Assistant] An elite, a rich man, who would get girls, lock them in dog cages for the day, put newspaper down, and then when he would come home from work he would yell at them and clean up their mess.


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[Assistant] Damn dude. That's why dog girl's hot. Dude, there's dudes into that stuff.


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[Assistant] I don't know. It's fungus is not a plant really, isn't it?


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[Assistant] That's cool, a lot of people are just, just listening to a little bit of it. It's fun.


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[Assistant] This is like, Matt and Fed and Tom beat you up all the time when you were in college. What?


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[Assistant] See, this shit fucking legit scares me. Obviously.


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[Assistant] I mean there's other shit that's way more expensive. I want skydiving, it's expensive as shit. Way cooler than fucking golf.


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[Assistant] You went skydiving? Yea dude, it was awesome. You should try it. I did virtual skydiving one time. Dude, real skydiving. Oh yea, we talked about that.


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[Assistant] Dude, me and Tom had an epic day where we rode motorcycles to the field and went up in a plane and jumped out of a plane.


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[Assistant] Not afraid, light artist is one of those things that from the sky you can see if any soil has been disturbed in the last hundred years.


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[Assistant] What was that? That was back like a thousand years ago. Really? It's pretty cool. Check it out.


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[Assistant] If I hit a Mexican with my Reddit, my porn Reddit, they would fuck him up.


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[Assistant] No, not really. When you're that jammed, it's just like one thing. It's like so fast.


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[Assistant] Not to bring the mood down, but fucking Travolta, talking about Scientology, Travolta's bae just died. Who? What? Yeaah. You totally ruined the mood. Not to bring it down, but Travolta's fucking beard just died.


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[Assistant] That's my only team. My only team. All that shit will fizzle out. Everyone will get exhausted of being this jazzed on politics and all that stuff and I'll just go back to normal.


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[Assistant] I can't remember who it is, like, not Geronimo. It's gotta be... It's another Indian, though.


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[Assistant] Dude, this is gonna bother me. It's, it's a famous Indian, though. Jamie? Sitting Bull? There's an Indian on the back of Mount Rushmore being carved out. So, that'd be sick. Oh, that's fucking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, everyone was like shitting on Mount Rushmore and they were like, dude, they're doing an Indian on the other side of it. But no one cares.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Trump denied like 500 million to Minneapolis or whatever for the riots. And he gave the Catholic church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, we love universal healthcare and UBI. Yeah. Oh, sick. Oh, that makes sense.


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[Assistant] Look, if I give a bank a dollar, how come they can lend it out ten more times? Doesn't make any sense to me. Who's doing that? Swassers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, banks, central bankers. They can lend out. They make their own rules with the lobbies at the, you know, they have lobbyists and stuff.


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[Assistant] We need black dudes. Strong ass black dudes. Where the fuck are they?


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[Assistant] Dude, what a stronger card though, if you're just promoting the black family. Strongest black. I mean dude, this is subversive Marxist bullshit. When you're getting the trans stuff and the weird sex stuff. That is the bullshit.


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[Assistant] If Bill has kids, if Bill has kids, he's gonna be cursed with trans.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, is this dude still gonna be wearing a dress? This dude's still gonna be wearing a dress? I don't think so. I don't think so bud.


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[Assistant] Fuck yeah, dude. Give him another 8 inches. I'm talking height, not unit.


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[Assistant] How cool would it be if we went back to arranged marriages?


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[Assistant] No one knows what happened, but maybe he spurred, killed her, and cut her legs off. Yep. Threw her legs in the room. Cut her legs off? Yeah. Then took the saw home, and left the saw at his house like a fucking genius. Oh, he got caught? Well, he's hiding right now. He's hiding. Where's he hiding? They think Atlanta. In this room? They think Atlanta.


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[Assistant] Dude, actually I think that the girl- It's like the worst place you could've went to. So there's a dude, there's a dude that got, you know, there's a dude that's on the hook for this. Yeah. And he has a wife and kids.


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[Assistant] The wife might have found out that he was doing the shit with the training. The wife might have killed the training, cut the legs off, and framed him. So he's fucking Lieutenant Dan to fucking- Sounds like an audit. Think about that. I highly doubt that.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, no. Bullshit. You have not seen Brittany in action. True. She is the ultimate carry.


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[Assistant] You know, as weird as I was watching. You really can't. We are literally free. You know that movie, uhm, what's the one movie with, uh, Owen Wilson. But you guys could get us extra canceled. You guys could take us to that next level. No, there's an Owen Wilson movie where he's flying a plane, and it's behind enemy lines maybe? Yeah. And he goes to like Serbia. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like. That was on Rambo? Wait, they're painting Russians as white hats? No, we were coming in to save them from the Russians.


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[Assistant] Not a good look, guys. I'm telling you right now, a brothel owner says 21 is the limit. Who said that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time you were on Adderall?


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[Assistant] One time I took notos, right? I was driving 88 miles an hour. I was about to crash into a daycare. Your cousin Steve woke up and goes, we're gonna crash. I was like, oh shit, we are. I fucking almost fucking killed both of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The banks. Yea. The banks. The central bankers. They can lend out. They make their own rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're on? Hell yea, baby. We're actually live, dude. I love it, dude. I don't like live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thank you, Lamar. Streams down. Don't be pussies about it. But, yeah, you, we've discussed, I mean, this is, this is the tale of all this time. You standing to wipe. True. I think it's the source of your problems. No, that was probably- And you're going to wipe forward, straight in the sack? Wipe forward.


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[Assistant] I don't remember how I got fucked up like ass issues your whole life as far as like wipes. Yeah, I got to ask, but what were we going to ask me? Or did I get racist? Think of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now's not the climate to call a, your significant other who is a, your partner who happens to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not my wife, it's Jenner. It's your partner. Yes, my partner. Your partner, uh, who is also a person of color? True. A mammy? An ass mammy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a mammy like? A mammy was like a, I, I, I, I don't know if it was definitely a black lady, but it was usually just like a lady who helped a nanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to promote them eventually to free human. Yeah, that's some of them. Yeah, that's how it works for a lot. Shout out to the sound dude. How's the sound? People are loving it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's nothing worse than a gross ass day. That especially dude, when you go to bed. Tell me about it dude. When you have a nasty ass going to bed, it demands a shower. Exactly. Otherwise, cause everybody touches their asshole before they go to sleep. 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I told you this before, I went to bed and I was like scratching my ass. And I went to sleep. And I was like, what the fuck is that smell? It was like, oh yea, I shoved my hand up my ass. A minute ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just won't touch my face. I just won't itch my eye before bed, and then a minute later you're like, wah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We shouldn't be on the air right now. Trying to get just the tip of your asshole. You're talking asshole or ass crack. Asshole. Yea, of course. It's impossible. Yea, you start digging it, dude. Well, you, oh, you're saying. It's late at night. Oh yea, for sure. You're saying like you can't. It's late at night. You're getting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm just gonna get the, just north of the asshole, I'm not gonna get in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're just laying in bed, you're like, no one's around, dude. Yeah, I get a full scratch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be it. Dude, I heard a sick, uh, great ass story on the way here at a rest stop. There was a black dude, like a trucker on a headset, kind of like Lemaire's. And he was, he was pissing next to me, just talking to whoever he was talking to and he was just, he's like, this motherfucking Burger King cook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, I watched him take a shit. Like this guy literally watched a dude take a shit at Burger King, not wash his hands, walk straight behind the Burger King thing, and then he walked out to order from him, and just spazzed. Hit him with a classic spaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The trucker was like, that motherfucker needs to go wash his hands in front of everybody. And this was a, this was a jacked black dude and like a beater. He was wearing like a wife beater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a headset, dude, just controlling the rest up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get him back. Yeah. What happened? He was like, I'm not paying for it. The dude was just like. The dude claimed, the dude did the move that everybody does when you get caught not washing your hands. What'd he say? I washed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, dude, having a messy ass before bed is just like, cause it's like, the rest of you isn't sweaty. You're like, you know, you're just going to bed, everything's comfortable and then you reach down for a little scratch and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, maybe that's how you start getting gay. Like a gay dude would feel that ass and be like, that probably would feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you and me who are straight as fuck feel that and are like discussing I need to shower. True. A gay dude might feel that and be like, that would feel good. I'm ready. What? Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just use whatsapp and be like, the government can't touch this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're way behind all of- They have to have WhatsApp. Yeah, for sure. They go behind the page, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This flag stays wrinkled, dude. This is all glory. The comments have, since we've started recording here, have been, the flag is wrinkled. And there's a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Congratulations to that guy's two day old son. Congrats your boy. Congrats your boy. Your dad's retarded. Congratulations, life's gonna be tough. Your dad is a retarded man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, but walking out of a stall in your apron. True, I get doesn't take. BK employee had to hit the family bathroom. You can't hit the regular. He just dumped in the regular stall and then walked straight out, like in front of everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there are- When are they gonna realize that's sexist? The chicks? The chicks, dude. You can't be just the chicks. What are they gonna be- That's sexist. They're just gonna be- That's true. They should be the powerful women. True. Kick ass. The bitches. They're just like- Yeah, the- Oh dude, I watched a good one on the way here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched a, I watched an old SNL clip that was pretty funny. It was, cause I vaguely remembered it. Cause I was listening to Come Town there and Nick was making fun of uh, how, you know, it's pretty common that white women get in front of everything like Black Lives Matter and all that shit. Uh, actually they circled around the dog brain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they called them, like, uh, there was a dog that was victimhood and they have nip, the dog has nipples and everyone's sucking at it and the white women are the runts trying to get in there and everyone's like, get the fuck out of here. But, uh, that's pretty funny. I remember there was this weekend update where Tina Fey was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, it was about how Obama sucked and how great Hillary Clinton was. Then it ended with women are the new black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, uh, it's been fun, my friend actually texted me on the way here, which, he texted, it was O'Leary, he texted me and was like, dude, I have a question for you. And I was like, shit, this could be serious. I called him and he was like, what's like, with blackface? I was like, what do you mean? And he was like, I don't know, Alyssa Milano's getting in trouble for blackface and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't. He's like, is it supposed to be funny? Like, is it funny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I, I don't... I don't think it's funny. I literally never thought it was funny until now. Now it's funny. Like the shit people, like if I see someone in blackface now, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny cause we're getting in trouble. Yeah. But back then it was like, what are you doing? I think it's an elite thing. I think the elites, like, love it. I've never seen it once and been like, that's funny. I've never seen anybody in black


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again. Oh, like in person? Yeah, I've never, I've never spotted a person in blackface. I've seen it on TV like twice. Well, uh, yeah, Tropical Thun- Tropic Thunder. Tropic Thunder is the one that holds up, but he's a retarded guy doing blackface. True. He's making fun of somebody that would do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think Sam Hyde did it on Million Dollar Extreme where he was like, you're going to make me scream. I'm going to start screaming. That one ruled. Uh, Drake hit it pretty hard, but Drake hit a hard blackface.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alyssa Milano's was good, because hers was actually just making fun of Snooki. So she was making, she was like, I was actually making fun of Italians. And everyone was like, alright, my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Italian blackface. Italian blackface. She's like, pretty much how we make fun of Trump. Wait a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Oh wait, Milano, dude, she's a wop. Yeah. She's allowed to make fun of wops. Not by doing blackface, dude. You can't call like- She's blackface. I was just being Italian. I don't like it, I think we should cancel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll get off Mullen's dick, but Mullen just posted a fucking thing on Instagram that's so funny. It was the dude from Mythbusters is getting cancelled for, like, sexually assaulting his sister or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. It was something like that. That's a tough one to throw out there, but I think I saw that right. I was driving, I was driving, checking Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raping his younger sister, accused. He calls it myth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I mean, look at this studio, dude. This is reeks of Bezos. This has his, this has his fingerprints all over it. Although we probably did order most of this off. I did, I did actually. Pretty much everything came here to help Amazon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those dorks literally should have never seen social network. That's what they're all like, you know what's cool? A billion dollars. Boom, we're up in the club drinking bottles. They think they're JT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been hit with that. I've been hit with that bug. Just a hot chick at the bar and me being like, I got hers. Yeah. Like with a girl I just met. I'm like, what do you do? You want vodka? And I'm like, can I get two? And it's like $38.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring me my next bottle. Do you see who I'm sitting with? True. You fat slob. Disgusting fat slob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His MO was, look, he was making comedy to get sniz, so his comedy was kinda, it was pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know what I mean? It's like when people are like, I hope I'm dead when I'm 80. And then you hit 80 and you're like, I don't want to fucking die. Same thing, dude. If I'm 40 and someone's like, is it weird to fuck 20 year olds? I'll be like, well, I think it's pretty cool if you can pull it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They tried to give the Muslims credit for wanting to fuck young chicks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I've been thinking this, how many stepmoms do you think have actually been stuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your mom gets stuck and you're just coming to the kitchen and you're like, alright, I got you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they should uh, yeaah. What are you doing? Nooo! She turns the disposal on to break her hand out. She's like ahhh. Twenty, forty seven hours later or whatever that movie is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been, I've been, uh, cause I was jerking off to that exact genre. And then I was like, I wonder how many moms have actually been stuck. You'd be surprised, moms get stuck more than you think about it. No, I've been thinking about moms getting stuck a lot. Hard to clean spaces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, jerking off with a kid is, that's tough. It's a weird vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every, no, every time, I use my phone, so every time I use my phone, I cover that, like a part of me is I cover that fucking camera just in case, dude. They have to be, they have to be true. There's gonna be like 20 videos of me like, just upshot from my camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they're gonna like, pre-crime me on being racist on shit like that? Like every time I look at like a new article, I'm just like... Just my facial expression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like why black trans is the most important part of this. Yea, watch out for that face crime dude. I'm gonna have to start being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. I'm not gonna read that now, but eventually, literally right before this podcast, that's the article I accidentally opened. It was like an Apple news alert on my phone. And like while I was going to the bathroom I accidentally pressed accept and it was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black, how Black Lives Matter and LGBT or trans rights are inseparable. Is, was the article, honestly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What don't you know about it? Uhm, I know, damn it dude, my entire thing is just mullin'. About the Chaz? Yes, all my news is Nick Mullin'. I call him, I just let him rant for 45 minutes and I'm like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Dude. Perfect, now I can repeat it. You ever hear a spud? True, you get- I did see a spud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, every one of these clips, I'm fucked. No, here's the problem. They're doing it to Delia right now. Where they're just like, look how stupid he looks on this old clip. He was joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also on the Snapchat one, I get it, it is funny, especially with the context now, but I've been bored on a podcast where people are talking and I'm just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, knowing now, people are like, he was freaking the fuck out. Maybe he was, but you know, maybe he was zoning out during a fucking podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also funny like, cause I've done it in my DMs and like text and shit with girls since where I'm like, I, and then I kind of want to say it and be like, I'm not,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you want to address and be like, I'm not abusing my power here, am I? And then it's like, what kind of retort do I think I am?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I'm like, oh, I have power, I have so much power over- It's like- Yeaah. But also, when does that stop? If you're a Burger King manager?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a hot mom. What do you think happened there? True. I think that was a little... Big dick of power. You got a bit of a harby. Yea. Yea, big dick of power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my weaknesses is I let my pubes grow too long and then that, you know. I'm, dude, I'm on a quest right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't let them body shame you. Don't let them body shame you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is funny. This is ours now. Telling stories with flashlights, being like Karl Marx said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but no, they, I think it was, wasn't like two, like a fourteen year old kid in like a jeep. Fourteen to sixteen, yeaah. And then the sick ass security forces of the Chaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just lit it up. Did they? I can see it. So you told me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got a bunch of ball blocks that are actually like, again, decked out in like, military gear. They look pretty militant, I saw the gear. They defund the police, they're like, let's demilitarize the police. Instantly have security guards with AKs, or like AR-15s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like all you're doing is, so the cops, you look at them and you're like, alright, a lot of these are fucking retarded dudes. Sure. That wanted to fucking shoot people. Maybe some of them. Or you know, they wanted healthcare or whatever. No, it's a fair assessment. There's some of them in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they passed the psychological test and fitness test. Yeah. Now it's just like, ah, here's a Chaz. Are you gay? We're looking for, yeah, we're looking for just, you know, anybody that has guns that wants to be a security guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what was their test? Yeah, what was their test? Do they have testing? Well, dude, I've seen- Or are they just like, oh, sick. Oh, who, who gets to be- Who gets to be- So, it's like I'm saying, now you're just taking in dudes, like, you could have failed the police test. I'm like, alright, sick, now I'll just be, uh, one of the communist anarchist cops. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you end up shooting a black teenager. Right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he... Bubba Wallace didn't... He didn't do anything wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was told there was a noose, and then he went and saw it, and it looks exactly like a fucking noose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yeaah. Whoever did it made a noose to pull the garage thing out. Now they did it last year at least. There's no way of knowing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he like, I don't know, I think he got told by a bunch of people, they were like, we found a noose in the garage, and they're like crying and telling them it's fucking real and all this shit. And he was just like, yeah. That's bullshit. They put a noose in my garage, what the fuck? This is fucking nonsense. I don't think he- No, no, I was saying, you know, he didn't smell it. We got Psy-Op, I'm saying. Jussie, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't just come out and be like, no. FBI's like, this news is legit. It's legit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also like, if you're one of these dudes that's like pissed the Confederate flag is getting taken away and you're like, it's not racist, it's just our heritage. The last thing you're gonna do is be like, fucking noose. There's nothing racist about it. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get me wrong, there's definitely people out there that would love to have actually done that. Yea, for sure. Definitely, I mean, there's wild dudes. Dude, this is my thing with a chance. I was at, I saw a bunch of dudes that would have done it. You were at the Grove. I was at the Grove, dude. That's, being at the Grove,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I brought, it was me, Phil, Phil came down, O'Connor, Six, and Kyla. And we looked like pussies. We were on like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, yea, we weren't, dude, the family, it's a family event, first off. It's just families. And then just dudes, everyone's like chain smoking, getting fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Final cake galore, bro. It's, they might as well have like a final cake buffet. It's all it is. It's just final cake. It's all, it's carnival. It's fair. It's fair food. True, true, yeah. But uh, yeah, it's the type of like, white trash that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, uh, it's like the level of poverty that's scary to be around. You know what I mean? Like, I was walking around like, oh, peasants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Oh yeaah, that was the Gollum night. Yeaah, that was good. I just got on stage and said that I was a Jewish monster the whole time. All the white trash was like, aaaah. I was like yeaah, I'm just a fucking Gollum dude, if you guys put a wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My uncle killed himself. Yeah, the, uh, but the Grove was like, Oh dude, I didn't even know it. Kyle Larson was racing. Kyle Larson. He got, he was a NASCAR driver who just got fired for saying the N word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you heard his clip of getting cancelled? No. One of my favorite cancels so far. What happened? He was doing a Twitch stream, like a live NASCAR event. Yeah. Of just Twitch racing. Yeah. And when he logged in, he couldn't hear anybody and he was like, can anybody hear me? Hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his check one too? That was his check. That was his, he was like, hello? Is this thing on? Then he hit it. Next thing you know he's at the grove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get out there. His, his, uh, merch booth was packed. Really? Ah, of course, dude. Dude, Larson was there, it was like a celebrity. Did he sign him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There he is. Sign my foam finger. But while you're there, if you go to like a dirt track like that, that's like small, if you think about the time, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' what's his name? Who's the race car driver, uh, Tony Stewart that fucking killed a dude on the track?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get out of your car in a sprint race is fucking insane. Yeaah. Those cars, it's on like a half mile track, they're going 130 miles an hour. Jesus Christ. And he got out of his car and Tony Store was like, fuck this dude, fucking bombed him and killed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Tony, he, I guess he was fucking jockeying for position with another driver. He must have like bumped him. The guy's car, his car was stopped on a turn. The driver got out to try to like throw his helmet at Tony Stewart's car passing by. Tony fucking whipped that back wheel out a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Killed him, dude. Killed again. What happened to him? He getting arrested? No, everyone was like, that's fucking, those are race rules, dude. What? You're free to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he continue racing? No, they definitely stopped it. The guy got fucking sucked under a tire. Oh, you, oh. Yea, it got, yea. It was a rough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet Tony Stewart, first off, I think he was back in NASCAR. Gotcha. I think he was just, and they were like, hell yea. Which I guess, you know, saying the n-word on Twitch, you're banned. True. Murder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aw, I was such a pussy at this thing. I was like asking dudes that worked security, I was like, how fast do these things go? Like, just leaning on a fence, like, are these the 410s or the, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did they say? I couldn't even, if they were like, how fast do you think that is? I'd be like, 70. I have no idea. Fuck. They weren't, were they having you or were they just like? No. I was like, I got hammered and I was like, I wanna meet Kyle Larson. They were like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, please let me get a picture with Kyle Larson. You were going for the pic for Kyle Larson? I was trying so hard to get a hot pic with Kyle Larson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His merch thing was packed. Dude, I was close to buying a Kyle Larson cutoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a John Rocker dude. That's the toughest gear. That's a sick fuckin' shirt. That's a statement. That's a real statement that I wasn't prepared to make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get like a 4X cutoff. For sure. To sit in a lawn chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a Kyle Larson shirt. Is that that guy? Yup. That's Kyle. And I don't give a damn. He's a hell of a driver. Was I a fan before he said the N-word? No. Now I bought his shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very peaceful and it's like, they murdered a kid last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, they were like, it's right wing provocateurs. Right wing provocateurs. And both sides are doing the exact same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally in a month they've already, they did exactly, they did, and then they're not reporting who shot the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I know, what was really funny is trying to look up the story about the kid who died. What was real interesting is when it's a... Most of the articles I found didn't mention that he was black, which is literally the headline if a cop doesn't. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pictures, like the BBC news one that I, the first thing you google when you look at it, the BBC picture is a cop. And then underneath it, it says 14 year old murdered. Yea. It was the, it was the chief of police, or not the chief, I don't know what the fuck. Yea, the lady, it was a lady. Lady cop, who's like talking about it at a press conference. So the headline is a picture of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A cop, and then it's like 14 year old murdered in Seattle. Yeah. And it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause all the, I looked at, I watched, dude, I watched the fucking COVID press conference. So funny. It's literally, it's like Mike Pence up there trying to talk and then just an army of like women spread out in this, you know, cause the COVID. Just like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say something, someone will be like, ta-da! And he's like, this is for the second amendment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he, it was very funny because he was up there saying, you need to fucking social distance, you need to do all that, and they're like, you just had a rally last night. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of the constitution says we're allowed to do that. It's like he like says something and then immediately like counters it. It's great. But if they had a black lady translator up there for when all those white ladies start fucking like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. It's crazy. There's so many black democrats out there. Yea man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, oh fuck, sorry, go ahead. No, please. Well, it's capital B now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in case I'll capitalize, yea I'll capitalize it. Just in case he's real and he's pissed. Exactly. It's capital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're, aren't they keeping white lowercase? They should. It's so funny if they actually do that. They should shrink it a font. They should shrink it a font.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like literally, well if we just capitalize that, everybody will be like, alright, we respect them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that was an actual threat. The answer is literally wait a week. Yeah, exactly. They'll be gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally everyone around the, like, the movement right now is like, yeah, yes. Yes. It's like, who is this against? Dude, police. It's like, so there's this apparatus- And the police are out there doing the electric slide with the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're just- We'll have different, what you were saying, different police guys. You're handing guns to less qualified people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That's what you're doing. You'd be like, all right, the community police will take care of this. It's literally more retarded than cops, which is you're giving guns to people that couldn't be cops. Yeah. Who's going to quit their job to be like, no, I'm community cop. I patrol the area for free. It's Zimmerman, dude. Literally going to be a bunch of Zimmerman's run around. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Tackling kids, being like, you motherfucker, get out of this neighborhood. Oh shit, I'm getting my ass kicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I would have got roughed up at the Grove, dude. I don't like that. I don't like that law. I was a hundred dude and I was drinking White Claws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like- You drinking White Claws at the Grove? I was drinking White Claws at the Grove to let him know. Dude. To let him know. And I was doing it on the way there, I had some courage on the way there. On the drive to the Grove, I was like, pshh, fuck it dude, I'll just drink a White Claw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a, I can, I can not be a, I don't need to prove my manhood by drinking a Miller Lite right now. Sure. Three, three, three races in, I had a Miller Lite. I was holding a Miller Lite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. No matter what drink you have, you're gay. True. You're drinking a craft beer, it's like, what are you, a fucking snob? Suck a dick. Is that light beer? Pussy. Yeah, light beer. Shit tastes like water to me. I don't, you know, I don't drink that. Well, you have to drink warm vodka. You have to drink, like, warm whiskey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dumpster whiskey. You have to drink whiskey you found that was out in the sun. Yea. And you're like, I'm a man. I'm gonna black out in 20 minutes. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Between, oh dude. Just stuck in like the, in the porpoise, just some fat fuck opening the door and like a cut off, just like, my lucky day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used his power over me. He did, dude. He used his power at Kyle Larson TV. He locked the trailer door, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Grove vs. the Chaz, dude. That's what I want to see. If you unleashed the Grove onto the Chaz, first off, no one at the Grove knows what the Chaz is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they found out about it, they'd be pissed. Tucker talked about the Chaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking Grove, dude. True. Grove barely knows Tucker. You think? Grove sees Tucker as like a little elite. Oh, yeaah. You're watching Fox News, fag. Yeaah, what about Hannity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee the Grove is off the, off the grid dude. No one there is watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We made it now, this clip. Did we? You and me. When? When we got cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, could it get more humid in this room? I feel good man. You're crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're condensating? Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking not- Lamar, you have to be dying. How is it back there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for the algorithms. That's all we care about is pleasing our God, the algorithm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, sick. Let's go into the Patreon. Side of the motherfucking page. Thanks for listening, guys. We hope you had a fun time. Yea, this was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, there was a drum line. A lot of music going on. Wait, there was a drum line? There was a full, like a marching band. Shits, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this sounds pretty tight. How you feel? How are you feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, look, I was out, I was on the road and I got some bad reports about La Mer. The reports were flying in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's, yeah, the Roastmaster, the Roastmaster, it's just, it's a tough nickname to have while going through an ordeal. He's like, the Roastmaster is on trial today. Um, so I was, I was in Minnesota at a depressing weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pressing like weak in Minnesota. Then I looked at my Instagram story, saw you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of our friends having fun, dude. I was in a hotel room just looking at it like pieces of shit. I was like jealous that you guys were having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, who was signed up first? What do you mean? So was it him versus one other person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, salute dude for being a soldier and going out there, but boy, you got, you got hit so hard that I got wind of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. You got made fun of so badly that it was shock waves were sent to Minnesota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mashup dude. So I, I had to have told this a thousand times. It's like my favorite thing. So it was at, uh, was it Frankie Bradley's? No, what's the name of that place? It's Frankie Bradley's. The one that's upstairs with the brick wall. So it's me, Kyla, Six, and Wood on the way to this show. And Wood and Six are doing a mashup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They thought they were the Sklar brothers. It was like, what are you doing? So they get on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Six was still at the bar getting one more drink before he got on. And I think Six's mic didn't work at first. So they're just standing up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's wearing like a big cardigan and he's on stage like, yeah, which one of us would you rather fuck? Like that's how they opened. And they were like talking to people in the audience and people in the audience were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, they just kept trying to like say stuff and they're like, yo, tell this story. They, they just bombed. Start to finish. How long did they do it? But like, long. It was like, it was like 10 to 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, that gets a big laugh. That's the first laugh. Someone in the audience just going, Simadamna! And then, everybody else they tried to talk to would just go, Simadamna!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at the end, they get off stage. They turn on each other? Dude, not yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, they went over there, my favorite part was they said they were gonna make fun of the host. They were like, yo, we're gonna fucking crush this dude. What's that guy's name? Hey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like leaning back and he was like, which one of us would you rather fuck? He's like, look at these abs, this is like an upside down turtle shell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came back in just to watch them bomb. Way, way worse. But they walked past me and while Wood, I think it was Six that was directly in front of me, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so then we get home, this is where the bomb, six, six sort of came to terms with it. By the end of the night he was feeling better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they would had one of the funniest fucking, like, one of those things that I'll just, I mean it might be too mean to even bring up, but there was a female comic that was headlining the show and he was like, she's gonna go back to New York and tell everybody we saw her. I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we're sitting, yea he does, yea, we're sitting in the living room back at the house and saving Private Ryan's on. And it's like the opening scene and I was like, we hadn't addressed it because it was very, very serious how bad this bomb was. Like they were so upset, they were in the car like, yea fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fully spazzed. That was the mashup. But then they, they did, oh, what made him spazze was he tried to pull the mayor there, which is when you're in a mashup that fails, you blame your, your teammate. That's the move. So, so, don't keep mic off. Oop. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were downstairs and Wood was like, yeah, fuck it. You know, like, I did six, couldn't, and I was like, ehh, I think that was a pretty mutual bomb there. And he was like, fuck you! Anyway, that was the mashup story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had, I did that on, uh, my show at the stand. I used to do it with Abby. And every time I would fight Abby. Like every show I'd be like, well this sucks. Just immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Lamare, now I see you over there, you have a lot to say, very straight face, very stern. Now that the demon has attached itself to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never not funny. Listen, I know a lot of comedians listen to this podcast. If you're an open mic'er, in any scene, if there's ever dead air during an open mic, which there will be a lot of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ass cream at the mall. Nice. Had to go to the Mall of America. To get ass cream? Walk to the Mall of America to get Preparation H. It's very American. I'll tell you what, that's where the lady at the register, buying ass cream sucks. True. It's a very, it's a bad experience. Yeah. Especially if you're like at a CVS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was a Muslim lady. Everybody in Minneapolis is Muslim. Yeah, for real. Who would have fucking thought? I know. And, uh, so she still had the full uni on. With a mask? Yeah, yeah. No, no, she was wearing the fucking Jesse eyes. Perfect to buy Preparation H from. True. No facial, no judgment, just put it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just her eyes. Perfect. I was like, thank you. This is good. It's kind of nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His was, why, alright, look, people get mad when we talk assholes. Sorry about that. Wait, really? Sorry, sorry, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I pocket it. I fucking put it in my front pocket in my hoodie when I walked to the right. You can't be walking around a Walgreens. People are in there buying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she set up a camera, I think told everybody, at the open mic, at a fucking open mic, that she was filming this set for Comedy Central. And it was like a 15 minute story. So they gave her a 15 minute spot to tell this story at the Raven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a fucking wild choice. Wild choice. But all the comics stand in the back right next to where her camera was. And she had been bombing for probably 10 of the 15. At which point I did in fact unleash...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's big distance, it was crowded. There's a DJ downstairs, so there's music. I mean that part was so loud that she stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. That's what I was saying. That's what I said to him. I was like, cause I fart a lot and I've never once on stage and I go, Oh, I got to hold this fart at every.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, what you could do is be like, excuse me, sound guy, my mic's a little low, can you turn that up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna talk cavity? Bro, don't do the road. Anybody listening to this that wants to do stand up, never do the road by yourself. It does suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so dumb. It's like just cause you didn't have friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an enemy and he called him bro, I love that the young, the young, younglings, younglings coming up to be the next guys who get bullied out of Philadelphia by the woke scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Boston, some comedy festival in Boston. And I gave him a ride to New York. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to, I tried to like trash like diversity on shows. Like to be like, this should just be putting up whoever's funny. So he was like, yeah, you need to shut up about that. I was like, okay. He was like, yeah, that's, that's always going to be there. You just need to be the funny white guy. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched enough right-wing stuff. What are you watching? Just getting fired up. Actually, you know what? You wouldn't even, it's not even, open that with a lighter. Sick. No big, no big deal. It's nothing, I do it.