[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got away? He ran, yeaah. What, he run home? Yeaah. Dude, he was, he was Forrest Gump. He played football in Nebraska, survived the World Trade Center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, it was like, that guy's weird. Anyway, so I haven't gotten to the Michael Myers origin story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the reason why everyone was like, Michael Myers is retarded and you gotta just let him go. He's just a retarded guy. Let him go. Was cause the, the idea was that he got in a car accident and his mom was the driver and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's just, I'd never thought about until tonight when I was talking about it and it was like, Jesus Christ, I think, I think parents were on that. I think like the community agreed. The reason he was retarded was a head fell onto his lap and he got retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck these listeners dude, they don't deserve, they don't deserve an hour this week. They don't, that was so fucking funny. Oh, oh, we do have to announce, uh, the, the newest live podcast. Yep. Ladies and gentlemen. Big development.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today, we solidified the deal, dude. I was fucking lubing deals today. True that. I was emailing people, I was depressed and desperate, so I was, I was emailing like bookers that stopped booking me like a year ago. I was like, are you even gonna use me anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I emailed the guy who runs the comedy zones, and I was like, you haven't gotten back to me in like three emails, like are you done using me or should I keep emailing you? He didn't get back to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hit up a bunch of people and I was like, you gotta fucking book me right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot of responses. Anyway, we did solidify, oop, we did solidify the, uh, the next live cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Helium Deal is the, that was the big kahuna, dude. Yup. The live cast. Are you ready for this, listener?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you got me doing? 10 PM. Helium Comedy Club. The night before Thanksgiving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a, what's the name of that horn? A cornucopia. Cornucopia, there we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yea, dude. Yup. And we ate that, and then afterwards we were like, get the fuck off of our land, you fucking idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, how? How? I'm like, dude, trust us. You know how you guys have been living in tents for the last fucking couple centuries? Yep. We're about to build electricity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a nice tale of white culture. No, I do think Indians should be a little more grateful on Thanksgiving. We did bless them with all of modern technology. Tap out shirts. Think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gave them Oklahoma, they get to hang out there. That's Oklahoma's theirs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but some of it is. Okay. I'm not gonna get my whole fucking thing. Mohegan Sun? They get Mohegan Sun. They get a ton of fucking cool casinos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come out. Helium Comedy Club, 10pm. We're following the legend Dom Herrera. Wow. Wow. We'll get em, we'll get em on. Suck our dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are kick-ass women. You got a problem? Say it to our fucking face. Well fuck you guys, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta move on. It's just really bad, I mean, ehh. Dude, that one sucked. Some really bad people killed him. The worst. They killed him. They're very bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you liked England. No, I don't like the Crown, bro. I've never liked England, dude. Don't you dare. You love it. You're a Tory. Don't you dare. I'm not a fucking Tory. I was about to say don't paint me as a Tory. You've always been a fucking Tory. Fuck the Queen, on the record, dude. Alright. Yeah. You seem like a bit of a Tory to me. You're just saying fuck the Queen? Mmm. Your proper Tory behaviour fucking sickens me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna, I wanna just make sure they know we still fuckin' stand independent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, as soon as Me Too happened, I called that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, fucking Mel Gibson's gonna flip his chair over and still be on testosterone. Fuck him, dude, he's a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be so, dude, that'd be so fun, just doing business and drinking fucking out. I like, you need the crystal server stuff, where like, they always pour liquor out of like, crystal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, dude, as soon as that Me Too stuff happened, I'm like, I literally stopped and I was like, alright, next, whatever the next show is, you know, it was like Golden Globes, I didn't know back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, Holly was doing what? Uh, raping women? They're like, yeah, my bad. Sorry, won't do it again. Real thing? Yeah bro, the real thing they're doing is Corey Feldman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump's a fucking asshole, dude. He's persecuting medical marijuana in California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I instantly tapped out him, I was like, fucking fraud. Only because he claimed to be big for states rights. And then there's the California, cause he's a fucking asshole dude. He's a pure dickhead dude. No, he's probably like, they don't need putt, I never smoked in my life. Get it out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His shit was too funny, where they were like, he got burnt in that book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking funny. I gotta see the whole speech because they might have taken him out of context, but that's still, even build it up to that being like, I'm actually very smart and I'm a very stable genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really think he's just like a hardcore contrarian. He like watches polls and like 79% of Americans are in favor of legalized marijuana. He's like, no. I'm not having it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would fucking destroy him dude. That could be the new dawn. Oh that would be, we need Oprah to fight Donald Trump, that'll be the new dawn dude, you're right. Stedman might hop in though. Stedman's black ass? Stedman, Stedman on Trump, that would be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pointed that out, and as soon as I saw him, I'm like, who the- I thought it was like Dr. Phil, I'm like, who the fuck is that guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all him, there's no way anyone else thinks of the nicknames besides him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Warren G. Harding or like a 1930s president would be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not going into like full cross sectionality. That's a funny thing to call someone PC about. It's like, dude, really? You don't say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Immediately. You did it for the sake of the art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, I know they're in like a lot of, uh, they're in a lot of like weird black movies. Like a lot of Madea movies and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking in, basically looking in, yea. Literally, it's that, being there and just being like, this ain't right. Alright, here, next movie set, say that again, right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They work hard though, dude. Those Mexican chair people work hard as hell. I love them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a fucking very heavy weekend. What happened? I used my dick, dude. Oh, you fucked? I used my dick. Yea, I finally got some ass. I was getting some like little ass touching go during the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, bro. I was still on NoFap. I was still, I was on like a fucking, however long it was, NoFap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've tried to be like, no, I'm good. And you're just like, stop. You have, you have to finish. Yeah. I would love to just have sex and not come, but. What? Oh dude, that'd be sick to hold it in like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to go, you have to go all the way after you start living together. It's like, if you get stopped at like a tits suck, it has to be like, I have to take a shit. I'm like, okay, cool. I can pause it for a minute. But it was like, that's it. I'd be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, that's not true. I'll, I actually, if I see tits, I demand to suck them. I'm like, let me get one suck on each. And you gotta do each, you gotta do each nibble. Let me suck each one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So I had to go back in. That sucks. That was the worst. I know. So then I had to go back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, it was just, like, it was a sizable fuckin' dispatch, so I was like, that might have been it, so I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just like, I sit there and I'm like, alright, I think I got it. It's not too sensitive, so dude, it creeps right up on me again. And I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was getting teased all weekend for being a quick draw dude. So, but I was begging dude the whole weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, coach, put me back in. Pull, I got to show you what I can do. Finally, I got to prove, dude. I was like, thank God. Hot story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Been three. Cause there was, when I fell, I fell for, I was sick for a good week or so, I couldn't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fall hard, dude. I fell, tumbled, rolled, and then got back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. When I go off like that, it's like, I can look at- I was looking at pictures of girls in underwear. Like I took it back to the basics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go back to the fucking basics, dude. Dude, the, uh, that was the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, dude, it's 1984, it's 1984 face crime. I used to watch the, uhm, whatchamacallit, like the democratic conventions and all that stuff and watch people's faces and be like, man, this is weird how they're just faking their face the whole time. That's the Oscars now. At any point, dude, if you just go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hollywood must be, it must be hard to date in fucking Hollywood. Like I, I've dated like, fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Accountants, hairdressers, dude, and like, I couldn't imagine if they had just like 9 billion dollars and like 9 million fans. Just to fucking deal with that. It's tough, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the average hairdresser, if you asked her, she'd say like her pussy's worth like 10 million dollars, so like, Sarah Jessica Parker must be impossible to fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way. Like what the fuck could you even do? Be like, uh, I guess I'll pick you up and we'll go to a movie. She's like, yeah, I'm in that movie. You're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was thinking about this weekend, how like at any minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How like, in girls' heads, it's just like the stock market at all times of like how much their pussy's worth. And you have to like, you have to battle that at all times. That's why, all weekend I had to keep it cool and I was like, I'm not gonna beg, I was dying dude. Your girlfriend's so old dude, she knew the, she knew the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why he's gotta be like, nah man, I'm cool. That's why you gotta stop every now and again halfway through to just be like, I'm good. Yeah. Dude, that's, it literally goes to penny stocks. The pussies is in total disarray after that. You don't, if you, if a dude, if you're a dude and you don't come during sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, fuck that. No, because if a guy's not coming, something's happening. No. Is he a porn addict?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, I've gone down this rabbit hole myself with one girl ever and I couldn't get my dick hard and once you start, if that even enters your head, fuck. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, I know, I'm telling, I know, I'm in support of it, but, girl, I'm just saying girls do not like, cause in their heads it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, people were just fucking, like imagine if girls were chucking ropes over you all the time and then one day they're just like, eeh, and you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is the darkest hour of my porn addiction, dude. The tees. You're on a fucking, all porn leads to fucking teeth ill, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna stop, as soon as I wipe my ass I'm gonna turn myself off. I'm not gonna be, I'm not gonna be horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I started to jerk off and then you start, then you start frowning and you're like, oh fuck. So you called a timeout, you take a dump, and then you just get right back to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm so, I'm like a, uh, I'm like a Native American in the woods. Like I can jerk off on the toilet and be so quiet without rattling like the top bowl part. Cause the top bowl part rattles and shakes dude. That's what the song Shake, Rattle and Rolls about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm quiet, I'm like a fucking mouse jerking off in the toilet, dude. I'm a big fan of fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try to incorporate, try to incorporate a little impromptu butt play and you're like, nah, it's not the same dude, I'm not doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't let people oppress you, dude. That'd be sick if you just Versace'd him on tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially Reese, dude. It's like, she was in Legally Blonde and what, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uhm, I got on a whole new wave right now. What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my new, I'm a systems man now. I'm all like, measure my day by my systems and my energy now. So rather than people trying to be like, you're probably goal oriented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your goal, your more goal oriented. I'm systems oriented. So I don't have a goal dude, I have systems. Okay. That just optimize me. And all I worry about is my energy levels. You probably worry about like happiness and stuff. No. I just worry about my energy levels. Happiness is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, I'm just pure energy. Gone, I have no shot at it. I mean, fuck with it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and Scott Adams, dude, we're optimists and we're systems, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know he was. Nah, Scott Adams, he just got, they're just taking his ideas. It can happen to anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He predicted he was going to be the president because of this art of persuasion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, Scott Adams, if you read his book, he doesn't, he doesn't worry about failure. He learns from his failure. So he probably went full speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if you're, you have to be a systems man, dude. If you're a systems man, everyday Trump is playing golf. I'm not defending him. He's fucking, he's not a systems man, he's a gold man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd say yeaah, he's a gold man. He needs to work on his systems and his energy. What are your systems? I wake up every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just meditate, go to the gym, right? That's my system, Steve. As long as I'm doing all my systems, that's all you do all day, every day. There's no outer thing you're going for. You're just purely running your systems. No, it's different. It's systems.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I woke up this morning, I was like, damn dude, my energy's low. I like, just started the book last night, and I was like, fuck, my energy's low dude, I need to get more energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just by willing more energy, just doing things that boost your energy. Meditation, writing, gym. Eating a salad. My energy is fucking sky high right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make a good point. Sam Harris is a bitch. Sam Harris is a turd, dude. He's a fuckin' bitch. He's a jerk-off turd. I mean, let's debate, and it's like, alright, you're gonna come on my show and debate me, and I'm gonna say Trump sucks, you're gonna say he's cool, it's like, yea, I'll take that debate. He's a bitch. Sure. Scott Adams went in that just for the experience, dude, he learned so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just crazy. It's crazy. It is like a weird call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shappell did? Yea, he did. Well, just from the left. They spazzed. But imagine you having Shappell's Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard he, uh, I heard a bad rumor about him fucking jerkin' off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, just. Yeah, you gotta just fucking take it, dude. Of course. You gotta sit and be a good boy. Why, you know, that's probably, that's probably why Scott Adams is alright. I didn't realize that. In his book, he hits, uh, two different diversity ceilings at two different companies. That's why he started Dilbert. He was like moving up in a bank, and they were like, hey, we can't promote anymore white guys, and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, dude, he's probably been stewing on that. I didn't even think about that. He's probably fucking pretty stoked on Trump right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have to go full board, dude. You have to transcend the fucking bowl cuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you got. That's your stance dude, you just have to hold on to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think he's fucking coming down? We'll be talking, we'll be talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. Yikes dude. Yeaah, that's bad. Hit you with clown voice dude. That's real bad. Hey uh, you wanna drink or something? Ugh. That's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only ever see hoverboards in the hood, dude. I've never seen- What? Where? In like Dubai?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it dude, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm not denying that. That's one of the things. They're a very futuristic people. Yeah, they are. Very in the future. I watched that, so I watched this thing as a documentary about how in England there's a bad problem with cousin fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they didn't, dude. There was, there was one incident where my, it was actually really funny, where my one cousin walked into my other cousin's work and someone in my other cousin was like, yo, some girl came in, she was so hot, blah, blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's so fucking funny. That is great. But yea, so the, the Muslim dudes right now, and it's fucked up because like everyone, like we make fun of Muslims and shit all the time and all that stuff, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a real fucking problem, it's like you guys, they're fucking their cousins, and it's encouraged in like a, depending on how traditional you are, like when they come straight from Pakistan to England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be, what they're saying is basically is like, your mom will be like, Shane, you're gonna marry your cousin from Pakistan. You're like, I'm not marrying my cousin from Pakistan. Then your clan back in Pakistan is like, we're all gonna kill ourselves if you don't marry your fucking cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're gonna bear shame forever, and you're just like, fuck man, my extended family, and like, or they'll kill you. They'll be like, we're gonna fuck you up if you don't have your cousin, and you're just like, fuck, so then you marry your cousin, and then you have like, you know, you have your kids a little bit fucking fucked up. Really fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they couldn't, they couldn't see, they couldn't see, they couldn't talk. It's like you'd have a kid that just lays in the corner and makes noises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then people, the British people were like, yo, you guys gotta stop fucking your cousins. And they were like, it is not a problem, it's very rare for genetic disorder. And they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Muslims in England are 1.5, say 3%, and they're saying 40% of genetic abnormalities from people fucking their cousins from incest is Muslims in England. And it's like, it's insane how much they make up for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was funny because I was watching the documentary and there was a lady was asking like the Muslim dudes like, so what's, what's the big fuss about marrying your cousin? Why not like, any second, like anything else with a first cousin? They're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents were cousins, all- me and my brothers and sisters are healthy, and it's like, okay, dude, you guys are the fucking like- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That doesn't mean you should go do it. Yeah. I like jumped off a cliff and was like, I was fine, I fucking- Sure. If I'd like miraculously landed in a creek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are saying that it's bad basically to fuck your cousin and the medical community is being like, it's dangerous, what do you say to that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, it's very negligible, very small chance. Anyway, next question. And he starts talking about like, eating red meat, and he's like, how the Koran, like, the whole point was if the Koran was all knowing, why would it allow people to fuck their cousins? And he was just saying like, You can fuck your cousins. He's like, well the Koran actually forbids you from fucking your brother, sister, or aunt or uncle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But your cousin, very negligible, very smart. And the dude, busted. Classic Karan. That's something they gotta come to grips with, man. I was watching all these guys, all the older, the younger people will stop it probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably where all clan infighting comes from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatchamacallit, apparently Allah said that like, you're allowed to fuck your cousin for like three generations, you're allowed to do like, mom, dad, cousins, mom, dad, cousins, then you gotta cool it down, you gotta cool down the genome, you gotta like, take a step back and stop fucking your cousin for a minute, and then you can dive back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turns out we're like, yea, we're giving birth to these kids. Back then, dude, they were probably just fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I booted that thing into the field trap, into the sand trap dude. I just tossed that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was listening to a thing about hunter gatherers and how, I forget what they were called. They were saying when they'd have like a fucked up kid, they'd all like make fun of it and like throw it out and let like animals eat it. Oh my god. And the guy was bragging about how like, it was really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you were a fierce man if you like kept your kind of pack like slim or whatever or your tribe or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when like ladies would get too old, you'd sneak up behind them for sport and like snap their necks and like throw them down. And he's like, the women feared me very much. Where was this? Ah, I forget. It was in, uh, I was just listening to this thing. That's a good tradition. It wasn't too long ago. It was, uh, if you're born with a birth defect, instant, instant death, people would just like laugh at how weird you looked and then killed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there was like old ladies and old men. If you were sick, they'd just fucking leave you to die. So the one guy got left to die and he came back. He like made it back cause they left him for like the buzzards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea dude, that was the practice back then, you had to snap fucking old ladies necks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy was saying, he's like, uh, since the white man has come, I'm weak. I used to be strong. The women feared me. I used to snap their necks. Ah, the white men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are muslim for real, bring it in front of the family dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you, what do you, what do you support more, like, a terrorist or a cousin fucker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause my thing, even if you get a little bit of the fucking, the cousin squirrel in your genome dude, you might, you know, you might be like, you know what dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of powerful families deal with this dude. I think I said this before on the podcast. My one friend's cousin went for their other cousin, and I remember being like, what the fuck's up with those two? And he's like, tried fucking her, she wouldn't do it, so now he's like real mean to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so no more, no more of that dude. What else you got going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's so funny, I forgot about that till now. It was like a weird technicality where we were talking about before, where it's not like, you know, it's not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you get, that's how you get fucking, yea, that's how you get that whole situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would make sense why all the other Muslims are just kinda like, there's just a couple of them like that, we're not all like that. It's like, well what's causing it? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what these explanations were so funny for. People were acting kind of like, people try to act like, uh, it's like my dad with asbestos, he's like, daaah, it's not, it's not as bad as they say. You can have a little bit of lead in your blood, you'll be alright. They're like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't Ajax. It's extended. I can't say it's extended extended family. So I am safe within the cells of my main family. It's like extended family stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, hashtag, hashtag shatnation on the reddit, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He threw like a counter uppercut in the first or second round. That was pretty good, but then, I mean everything he threw was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sadly is in my room. The washer and dryer, the laundry room is my room in the basement. And he came down here and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a fucking Irish flag and like all this Notre Dame shit and he was like, oh nice, nice flag. I was like, yeah, that's pretty cool. I felt like such a fucking douche. Oh, that sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, that goes back to what we were just talking, like we were just looking at, there's a clip online of, and you can see that he said it on Jimmy Kimmel, he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They asked him if he could beat Rocky 3, and he was like, oh, which one's Rocky 3? Is that the one with all the dancing monkeys in the gym?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was referring to how like all the celebrities got in the way of him trying to train. Yeah, yeah. Is what he was talking. And like.


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[Assistant] Made him fight like a Mexican was just making Floyd walk towards him and walk right at him like a Mexican fighter.


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[Assistant] Again, I don't think it was racist. No. He was just like...


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[Assistant] I was with this guy, I did a weekend in Baltimore and the host I was with was like, I could tell he was woke as fuck. Yeaah. He was real woke and he was like, well they're actually both pieces of shit. And I was like, hold on.


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[Assistant] Why are they both pieces of shit? Yeah. He's like, well one's a dumb racist and the other one hits women.


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[Assistant] I'm like, well, let's say he is, he said racist things. Hitting women's way worse.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Like way worse. That's a different echelon. And it's like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was, he was out of his fucking league.


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[Assistant] That was, yea, you have to give him credit for even stepping up and being like, I can do it.


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[Assistant] You got a chair for, uh, Mikey Garcia. I saw him, I saw Mikey Garcia.


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[Assistant] But yea, this kid, and then like, so he kept trying to call Conor McGregor racist.


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[Assistant] Fucking Shannon Sharp on whatever, Shannon Sharp and Skip Bayless on Fox Sports 1. Might be the worst shit I've ever seen in my life. It's crazy.


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[Assistant] Con Kaepernick should be on a team. Let me interview fucking Jim Brown, who's a, like a real civil rights leader, who's like, well, he's not good enough.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's fucked up to say, but seriously, go, yeah, it's right. I mean, these are white people that are complaining about these Confederate statues. Definitely. Can I ask a fucking, anybody in our neighborhood, be like, who was Jeb Stuart? They'd be like, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't know who just said it. Who the fuck was Stonewall Jackson? I know Stonewall. I know Stoney.


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[Assistant] Well that was, it was a beautiful face and then white men took the nose off of it.


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[Assistant] Napoleon showed up and was like, dude, get rid of that. These people, this is disgusting culture.


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[Assistant] That's, yea, he was, Napoleon was ultra fucking woke. That'd be sick. He was a male feminist. Yea. If you're under 5'5", you're a male feminist.


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[Assistant] That's how it goes, 5'5 and above, normal human, 5'5 and below, male feminist, and then what, 4, midget. Mitch, you're just an absolute fucking pussy hound dude. Midgets, you transform back into fucking, all you do is eat pussy.


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[Assistant] They broke in. They broke in. They were in that store, dude. They got almost raped. What happened? I don't remember that. In Pulp Fiction?


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[Assistant] Trapped in our web or some shit like that. Turns out it was a sex dungeon. Ving Rhames gets butt fucked. And then Bruce Willis kills him with a sword. Classic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I actually did watch it. I saw the movie theaters. It was fucking terrible. Dude. I hated that movie.


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[Assistant] I'm glad they moved on to race though, cause for a while it was women's sports.


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[Assistant] I mean they would show highlights. Yeaah. They, first off they don't even show hockey.


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[Assistant] So like hockey's not on the menu, but WNBA and like SEC girls softball.


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[Assistant] And then they got heavily involved in the women's soccer team making more money. Like crazy shit.


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[Assistant] Around Black Lives Matter, once they realized they could make more, they could get more viewers around Black Lives Matter, kneeling, Kaepernick, all that shit. Then they switched from women's sports aren't that important to Kaepernick is number one now.


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[Assistant] Yea, the Mexicans on the team would definitely... Do you think I'd catcall? Would catcall, for sure. Fuck, damn dude. Yea, that's... That's a hit? I think they just hit him with a...


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[Assistant] Every segment is a discussion on a race. So ESPN and SportsCenter started with like highlights


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[Assistant] And some jokes, and the guys were funny. It was like Dan Patrick, Kenny Maine, a lot of these guys were actually funny, but they knew their fucking role.


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[Assistant] Like, Stuart Scott, they would say funny shit, but they would like, this is about the highlights and the score, and all that. And then it transformed into like, it's all about the...


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[Assistant] Tonight, a 30 for 30 on Rodney King. That's like, all right, sweet. Damn. It's crazy. I just watched a 30 for 30 on Carter football. It's, uh.


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[Assistant] You remember the movie Friday Night Lights? Yea. They were the black team. At the end.


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[Assistant] One of their players was like failing a class.


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[Assistant] And first off, they, one thing that was weird is Carter was like a rich school. So like these were wealthy. It was a wealthy black school. And everyone was like, they're thugs. Yeah. But they were.


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[Assistant] They really were fucking dickheads. So then a bunch of them started robbing stores.


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[Assistant] Like, given a good grade so we could play. They were all like, they're just trying to screw us over because we're black.


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[Assistant] They're like, we're not thugs, and then they win the championship, and then after, they all get arrested for armed robbery, and everyone was like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, you guys are kind of, this is only 30 for 30? Yeah, and even after they got arrested, every player was like, it wasn't our fault. Like, everybody was like, everybody wanted to tear us down because we were black.


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[Assistant] It's like, ehh. So you robbed somebody with a gun? Where you armed, where you had armed robbery? I can't talk right now.


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[Assistant] Sport of Kings. It is. I got fucking crushed. How'd you do at squash? I lost every game. Nice. Got my ass kicked. Why'd you play squash?


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, he's probably had his own racket, took it out of like a leather.


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[Assistant] That's what happens. You played a rich guy in squash with the Asians watching. It was at Drexel, wasn't it?


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[Assistant] But uh, speaking of Asians. Oh yea? What do you think about this in the news, dude?


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[Assistant] Chinese officials are upset right now. Why? Because they're saying they can't recruit young soldiers right now because they're all too fat and they all masturbate too much.


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[Assistant] No, the wall is heavily guarded. Although there might be some white walkers coming, the Chinese.


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[Assistant] Really? Yeah, dude, their army, I mean, think of it, they got a bunch of little tiny Chinese boys, all eating KFC, jerking off, bunch of little Chinese Cartmans, dude.


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[Assistant] Ready to go. I watched Asian porn the other day.


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[Assistant] Like blurry fucking- Asian on Asian. And it was blurry. Terrible. It was terrible.


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[Assistant] Like, spindly, like, slender, gross, like, skinny fat fucking weird dudes. It's hard to fucking get it going.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well they like that. They like to fuckin' get a tie on, be a fuckin' Japanese businessman. You've acquired this woman. That's what they're into, dude. It's true. It is true.


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[Assistant] I love Chinese food, but, but why? I can't, like lately in my life, the older I've gotten, like if I eat it, I get so thirsty. That's the MSG's dude, that's the MSG's.


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[Assistant] That's the only way they can push their shitty fucking food. What do you think about the curry dude? What do you think about the North curry? The curry aren't eating that MSG dude. They're eating fucking rats. They're not eating much.


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[Assistant] He's the man. That guy's hilarious. He's the best. I listened to this Sam Harris podcast about North Korea. It's not good, dude. What are they doing? There's just no way to


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[Assistant] It's tough, there's like three options to like try to stop North Korea and one of them is like, assassinate him. Okay. Which is, we can't. Why? Well then it's just more chaos.


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[Assistant] Who do you think will take his place? Like we'd be, if we just destroyed their government, it would create like a power vacuum like in the middle east, except this time they have a Korean power vacuum. More than just like, rubble.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Like they do in the Middle East. This is a bunch of Korea dude getting wild. Wow. And uh, and we can't just go to war with them. Cause they have, apparently they have guns.


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[Assistant] Like rudimentary guns, like from like World War II, like artillery, but they have so much of it and it's all, cause they're very close on the border to Seoul, Korea's capital.


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[Assistant] That if we tried to attack, they just basically like they're holding South Korea at gunpoint.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like the village. Yeah, yeah, literally. Like they walk outside and there's a truck and they're like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] No, cause it's like a cult where all the people there are, they're all in.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, but they're like indoctrinated from a young age of like, that he's our god, the west is evil, like.


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[Assistant] It's, it's, and the problem is also is if we open the borders, that's like, we're just destroying South Korea's economy. And China.


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[Assistant] Cause it's like, alright, now you guys take care of these millions of millions of people.


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[Assistant] So, they're just gonna be like, this guy just gets a while out


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[Assistant] They're like, we're hungry. He's like, nah. Chill. Nah, dude. We need to buy more guns.


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[Assistant] Yea dude, North Korea is like, I don't know, it's scary, but I think it's, I'm not worried about it.


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[Assistant] I just, I don't think anything's gonna happen. At all.


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[Assistant] I don't know. All the people in North Korea. He killed them all. Yeah, if you're like, if he even heard that you were talking to the CIA, you and your family are fucking, he's just bringing that fucking anti-aircraft gun and you're standing against a wall.


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[Assistant] It was, you know, this definitely doesn't go for all Chinese food, but it was enough to like, fuck me up. They were like, skinning rats. In like, the floor was like, half flooded, it was like, brown water. What? They were just skinning rats and throwing them in like, wash baskets. Like, this is where that meat comes from. I was like, oh.


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[Assistant] I needed to get an orange slice. Did you? Yea, I got a fucking, I got my energy back up. I had to put ice on my knees. Yea, you were fucking carrying the work dude. Nah dude, we were fucking. It was a workload.


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[Assistant] Everyone's gonna get self-conscious about breathing into the mic. Really? So like my voice will get real short.


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[Assistant] Cause you don't, ah, that makes sense. Like I'm very in my head about, like, make sure I don't like...


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[Assistant] No, the Carter, what Carter lost 30 for 30 is, I mean it sucks. It sucked. The show sucked. There was no story. It was the, the one kid.


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[Assistant] Cheated on his grades, so then they tried to cancel the football team. And then they were like...


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[Assistant] So, right the night before playoffs is when this legal action happened. And they were like, yea, you guys are out of the playoffs.


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[Assistant] Cause a teacher changed the grade of a player. That made him eligible.


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[Assistant] That happens a lot, cause a lot of the D1 schools get, a lot of the players, you get your personal, fuckin', a teacher.


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[Assistant] So like, there was that show, Last Chance You, did you watch that at all? It's on Netflix, it's about, it's a school in Scuba, Mississippi, to Juco, where players that


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[Assistant] And so this school and the one academic advisor is this like hot lady. And she's just so like, it's real, it's kind of fucked up to think of this this way. It's actually not fucked up. You see a bunch of like young athletes, young black athletes coming into this white, this hot white ladies.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, they're not coming in their socks, dude.


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[Assistant] Like, it's funny that that's the one issue that like society seems to draw a line on and is like, alright, it is different than a male teacher.


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[Assistant] If, if, you have a black son and I'm his godfather, when we baptize him, I'm gonna be like, oh, I bet you can't swim.


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[Assistant] You've never been racist. You've never been racist.


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[Assistant] Uh, do you think when asian babies come out of the womb, they cry like, oooooh.


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[Assistant] Send him back to the curry. Yeah, that's uh.


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[Assistant] Except fuckin' intercontinental ballistic missiles, dude.


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[Assistant] That wall came right down, dude. Punk music, rock and roll and fucking dungarees, dude. And they were like, why the fuck are we talking about communism, dude? We need some dungies.


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[Assistant] Yep. Exactly. They were all fuckin', yea. But they were still Soviet. Same thing.


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[Assistant] Oh, so that, what was the, what was that wall doing? Separating? East and West Berlin. After World War II, we controlled, uh, West Berlin. The Allies controlled- Wait, Soviet?


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[Assistant] Yeah, Berlin was split western and eastern, and the Soviets controlled the east and the Allies controlled the west. Huh. So like, it was kind of a North Korea thing where people were escaping over the wall and shit.


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[Assistant] What do you think he's doing, dude? Right now? He's probably fucking, his life is probably just hilarious. He probably just watches ballers and is like


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[Assistant] He, his life must be so funny. If you could just film him for one day.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you- And just the mandates he must put, like, I saw one thing where they all have to have his haircut now.


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[Assistant] I don't know how true that is. It was on like fucking Good Morning America. But. I could see that. Wait, it was like mandated that. His haircut was called like the Chinese Smuggler. Like where the sides are shaved. Yeah, it's called the Chinese Smuggler.


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[Assistant] People get arrested. Like, uh, remember when Kim Jong-il died?


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[Assistant] Their, their fuckin' like funeral processions were like everybody was sobbing like, like black ladies at a funeral. Like that's how they were sobbing. They were up on 10. Like everybody was like the mom when she like jumps on the casket. Uncontrollable.


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[Assistant] People were carrying them out. Exactly. So people would get in trouble for not being sad enough. So everybody was faking as hard as they could to be sad. You also get in trouble for not applauding enough. So like at those parades and shit, dude, those parades are lit.


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[Assistant] Everyone's just on eleven, going as hard as they can.


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[Assistant] Yeah. This is great. Well also, it's like a thing in like Nazi Germany where...


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[Assistant] They did the same thing, like the same like, mhm, government mandated enthusiasm. Basically, like, if you were, started to dissent against the party, they would arrest you. So like, every single person you're with is like, dude, North Korea is the best, this is awesome. So like, everyone around you is saying that. Even if they all are thinking like, this sucks.


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[Assistant] But you're saying, like, if you and me were in North Korea right now, we'd be like,


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[Assistant] And they just come right to- they come right to the fucking- His level of pussy getting, he's ex- he's exceeded pussy. He's on something, he's a child. He just rapes men. He's raping anything he wants, he's raping dogs, he's raping whatever. He really could actually. He- he could have something built for him to fuck.


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[Assistant] Just has like, fucking imperial loads in there. He can, he can fuck whoever he wants. Kim Jong is the best.


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[Assistant] He's, uh, yea, but to put it in a real simple term is basically he has like, it's a retarded guy, and he's got a gun at South Korea's head. That makes sense. And it's like if we hit him at all, he's dumb enough to be like, alright, well, soul's gone. Fuck it. I killed them. I don't care.


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[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. I mean, he's actively trying to get nukes.


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[Assistant] Dude, he needs to chill. But, in his defense, there's always a part of me that like...


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[Assistant] Whenever like an Iran is trying to get nukes. And they will if they don't already.


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[Assistant] Which is bad news for everyone, because these are shitty countries, but they're still, I understand why they would want to have them.


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[Assistant] It sounds, again, the gun analogy is stupid, but like, alright, think of World War II. All of a sudden, just, we're in a big room.


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[Assistant] Everybody in the room's a country. World War II ends, and one guy is just holding a pistol. Yeah. Us, with a nuke. And it's like, alright, everyone.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' chill the fuck out, and then Rasha, who's also a big guy, is like, well I want one of those. Of course. And we're like, dude, shut the fuck up, nobody should have one of these. And they're like, alright, well then drop yours. We're gonna get rid of them, dude. He's like, no, we're gonna hang on to ours.


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[Assistant] Because we think you're gonna get one. Yeaah. And then Russia builds a gun. Now two people have guns. Yeaah. And then we're like, alright, well we gotta give our friends guns. Yup, and everyone knows our guns. So now all our friends that are on our side have guns. Jesus Christ. And then North Korea's just sitting there like, just a retard in a corner jerking off by himself. Everyone's like, alright, leave that fucking week.


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[Assistant] They said it'll be within like five years. Fuck. He'll have intercontinental ballistic missiles, so like he'll be able to hit.


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[Assistant] Like right now, yeah, but like by the end of the year, or by the end of the next couple of years, he should be able to hit like New York and DC. Should be able to hit wherever he wants. Jesus Christ. It's a good guy to have that power. Kim Jong. A fat fucking Asian retard. But he's a wild card, no doubt. Yeah, thank God we got Trump in the office.


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[Assistant] Equal wild card dude. Exactly dude. What do you say he's in a meeting with hell and fury or something? Like fury and fire dude. Classic trumpsky dude. Trump's about to fire up the boys dude. Uh, who knows? That's insane. That's uh, yea that's not good.


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[Assistant] Korea, excuse me. Yea, don't be racist man. Sorry. Especially not with your future. Sorry.


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[Assistant] Do you think your black son's gonna be into black conspiracies? Or are you gonna tell him to like chill on that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to indoctrinate him, cause that's dangerous for a black person to be raised by an already crazy white conspiracy theorist. Uh. Black people are very susceptible to conspiracy theories dude. I know dude. They all bought in on the Illuminati like quick dude, all they needed was Rick Ross to mention the Illuminati and they were all like, yes dude.


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[Assistant] Dude. You should have chimed in and been like, I think Willie Nelson sucked Johnny Cash's dick.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there was a rapper that had that. His name was Ab Sol. And he had a thing, he's like, Obama's a fucking puppet. And like all this shit. Yeah, it's very funny. Yeah, Cornel West didn't like Obama. Yeah, there's a, I watched a fucking sick one. This, it was, it was really funny because it was this,


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[Assistant] You might have even turned me on to him. I forget his name. There's just this big black dude who's like into like black power, but almost to a conspiracy level of like... Kimbo Slice? No.


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[Assistant] He's like, everybody's proud of their culture. Why can't we be proud of ours? I'm like, dude, you guys are the most proud. You're so proud that white people are proud for you. Everyone's like, black


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[Assistant] A black neighborhood and then onto a college campus. And I'm just fucking amped the whole time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I got, I mean, I got pulled over once for resembling a suspect. Did you? I just got pulled over while I was driving.


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[Assistant] Fuck. You know, like, you match the identity of a suspect. And I was like, alright. Well, of what? I don't know. I don't know what he did. You should have been like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But, it is funny, like, aw jeez. What? I played out the rest of that sentence and I was just like, don't say that. It's not correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's funny, like you said, like, I'll read stats and stuff, they're like, black people are so much more likely to get pulled over than white people. It's like, alright, we'll drive on the highway.


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[Assistant] If you're driving and somebody goes a hundred miles an hour past you, tell me what they are.


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[Assistant] You tell me what they are. Depends on the plates. The jersey plate is the out. That's the wild card. So like, I play this game like most racists do. Uh, guess the race of a car in front of you, which is fun. It is pretty fun. Very fun. Uh, gender and race. Yeah. Age, age sometime.


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[Assistant] You can almost always guess. I'm pretty good at it. Yea, you are. Shane is good. I've sat passenger and watched him work. And there's one thing that'll throw you off hard though. The jersey place dude. And it's the New Jersey license plate dude.


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[Assistant] You can get any race or ethnicity can drive like a fucking dickhead if they have that.


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[Assistant] That's tricky, because an F-150 is a white guy, but that holograph flame is tacky enough to be a black guy. Dude, so here's what happened.


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[Assistant] F-150 is a nice fucking vehicle. That's a honky almost every time. Here's another good tip. It's funny too because a lot of these people are driving while they're listening to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's a nice car, like a Lexus or a Mercedes, that's fucking dented and beat up, guaranteed black person. Guaranteed. You're going on that. I'm 100% certain. If you see like a nice Lexus that's just beat to shit, you're like, alright, that's definitely a black person.


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[Assistant] Dude, my dad will, my dad is the, and it's funny too because he thinks he's not being racist. Oh yea. Like he'll be like, Shane, Shane, I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People think that like, being racist is like, either you are or you aren't. Yeah. It's like dude, everyone's racist.


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[Assistant] It's a fucking spectrum, it's not a fucking, it's not, it's not a yes or no.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's uh, the funny thing about like, my dad and people.


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[Assistant] Men's club in Mechanicsburg that's like a drinking club. How are they denying people?


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[Assistant] And apparently, this is probably a rumor, an urban legend in Mechanicsburg, but they had a black coach that they couldn't go to this place.


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[Assistant] Like, seriously, it's that fucking crazy. Damn. Like, it's like...


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[Assistant] The men's club? No, no, no, I'm talking about my dad. Oh, okay. My dad will go to the men's club and I'll be like, dad, you're fucking right, I always make fun of him like that. You're in the fucking clan, dude. That's the clan.


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[Assistant] You know what sign the book is? No. Alright, so all these like VFWs and Elks and all these fucking clubs, they all have a drawing. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not, I mean they're not racist. It's old white dudes from a fucking town. From the middle of Pennsylvania? Yea, obviously they're racist by our standards, but they're not, they're not dealing with black people. So it's not like it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like right now in mechanics where people are against, like, Somalis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In, in Harrisburg, in Steelton, Pennsylvania, it used to be a, I mean, it was, it's called Steelton, which is Steeltown, it was a big steel foundry, and it was all fuckin' Polish, Irish, Italian immigrants, so they all hated each other. Like they're like, yeah, fuckin' Pollocks, dude, they're all dumb as fuck, dagos, fuck them.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I think they've had enough people be like, alright guys, party's over, chill the fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see a black guy driving through on a fucking non-dented beamer? Yea, I mean Chester's fucked up. You got a bunch of me's in those cop cars just sitting there like, that's a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be a fun development. It's a sick fucking, it's a really funny stereotype to be like, you guys are just only trying to get bombs, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that'll be sick. Yeah, that'll be sick. You're gonna have to run. You're gonna have to hide that from Asians. If they get winded at your- I might sell that fucking mortar to North Korea. Subterranean bomb testing, dude. They're gonna be all over that. A very secret mission.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, anybody would. True. Dude, we're down here with no fucking plot, nothing. Yea, but I do it in everyday conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Like I stuttered through the first time I tried to explain the Dallas Carter 30 for 30.


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[Assistant] That wraps it up. Once again, SRDs. You could never do this. Stop being fucking gay.


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[Assistant] Played football. Dan was a heck of a middle linebacker. Could really lay the wood. Not gay. He's not gay at all. Loved drinking. Fucking and fighting. And then he became a priest. Out of fucking left field.


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[Assistant] And I did, it's on my Instagram, at Shane M. Gillis. M as in Michael. St. Michael. There you go.


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[Assistant] But, uh. You start going by your full four confirmation name too. Shane Michael Sebastian Gillis. Martyr Saint. Sebastian, my confirmation name, after the great Polish kicker Sebastian Janikowski. That's why I kicked it.


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[Assistant] But uhm, we went, my niece was in town, so we, we took her to play laser tag.


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[Assistant] It was us and a bunch of black kids, which was really funny to see my dad. I'm like, dude, my dad's gonna get someone in like a hands up, don't shoot situation.


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[Assistant] I don't think me and my sister were both crying, sobbing, laughing.


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[Assistant] It came home and there was UFC on last night and I broke down my rules for betting on UFC because my dad was drunk enough that we'd bet on UFC last night, which is fun as fuck.


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[Assistant] It's fun as fuck. When you have money on the fighter, it's great.


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[Assistant] How'd it hold up? Three for three. And then with women's fight, it's just whoever's uglier.


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[Assistant] That's a good system. Went three for three last night. Black dude pounded a Norwegian.


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[Assistant] Uh, hot chick broke her arm in the first round.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they'll trick you in UFC. They rarely get to fight, but when they do the Asians. That's true.


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[Assistant] Oh fuck, I didn't even get to talk about this. I fought people online all week about the Chappelle thing.


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[Assistant] And I did not do myself justice. I mean like, I would, cause I would get hit with like a three paragraph response to it. And then...


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[Assistant] Each one was like, yeah, well, I guess I don't get offended, so I wasn't really thinking about that.


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[Assistant] I listened to it again because I was getting a lot of shit for it and I didn't say anything wrong, I was just like, it's weird to hear a guy


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[Assistant] Cause it's not hard to say white guys suck, or white people suck.


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[Assistant] On, on stage. It's weird to me though when you say white people suck and black people are the best.


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[Assistant] That's when it gets weird. If you shoot on both of them, it's funny.


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[Assistant] Then you gotta ancestry the black people and find out who were slaves.


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[Assistant] And that was, yea, exactly. Chappelle used to... One thing that made Chappelle's show so funny was he would make fun of black people. And...


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[Assistant] White people were like, yeah, exactly, that's funny. Uh, but when they did the reparations thing, just the black people got all this money and just wild the fuck out. It's so funny. Like the stocks of like platinum quadrupled and like all this shit.


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[Assistant] He's so much better at that shit. I mean socially he's so much more aware of how to act. Like if Donald Trump was on that, that would have been a nightmare.


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[Assistant] And it's like he's racist for that, which I guess you could paint it that way if you want Norwegians instead of Haitians, but his point was Haiti's a fucking shithole.


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[Assistant] I think everybody here can agree that Haiti is definitely a shithole. I don't think the people necessarily are...


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[Assistant] They would have had a lot of money, but the Clintons and the Clinton Foundation sucked it right out of their black French dicks.


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[Assistant] If the prince doesn't cut your head off.


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[Assistant] That's how the Muslims got up into Ottawa. Remember that rap group? That's, I'm a Muslim, man. They're up in Ottawa, dude. True. Couple of muzzies chillin' in Ottawa. That's odd.


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[Assistant] Alright, alright, so let's get to why we brought Dan O down here. So, first off, I don't think I ever asked you, why didn't you become a priest?


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[Assistant] That's like the old thing, like anybody who claims to be something else, like, like I remember the kids on the cross country team would wear shirts that were like, no timeouts, no fucking thing. It's like, this is a real sport. It's like, no, football is harder.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like rugby fags. No, rugby's a real brute work. No timeouts, this is a real man's sport. It literally is. Well, no black guys are playing it, so it's not.


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[Assistant] If that makes sense. So, you might slip up.


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[Assistant] And I keep cutting you off, but we've had that conversation a lot where I had the same thing at West Point.


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[Assistant] Like right when I got there, I was like, oh fuck, I'm not like any of these fucking guys. What were they like? Well they kinda tricked you a little bit, cause they take you, like when you, for me, when I was getting recruited there, you would go out, like on a visit, you'd go get fucked up.


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[Assistant] Like I think I've said this before, but like at bootcamp the first day, I was like fucking around.


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[Assistant] And I was talking to the guy next to me while we were standing against this wall and a drill sergeant heard it and was like, who the fuck is talking? And the guy next to me was like,


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[Assistant] Not at all. I think it's the guys that are in. Isn't Francis trying to get Priest to get married?


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[Assistant] I will say this, I'm sorry to, but I've seen a lot of priests and it doesn't seem like it's that hard of a discipline for them to be celibate.


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[Assistant] And they look. It's cause they're on the mic, dude. Right. Exactly.


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[Assistant] And I was like, oh, perfect. I didn't even think about it. And then another teacher was like,


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[Assistant] Yeaah. And also, also it's, you're right, it's not- But it's different, it's a different thing. It's not PC, because the church, you guys don't have the best relationship with the homosexuals. No, and you- And it looks like you're kinda like, ehh.


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[Assistant] It's not us, it's the gays within our ranks. Exactly. And the evil gays continue.


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[Assistant] But you're right, you're right, I hear what you're saying, because the kids, it's not pedophilia if the kid's not, if he's past puberty. By, by what that is.


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[Assistant] It's called being fucking gay, dude. Don't bring that shit around here.


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[Assistant] 16 is still, statutory rape. Of course. Gay, statutory rape. Legally, it's, it's, but. Yeah. Uh.


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[Assistant] At one point, and then I was trying to become a priest and they're like, do you ever think about... Sucking dicks? Dongs? I'd be like, what?


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[Assistant] You're a shepherd of, and one of the sheep can't be your fucking kid. Correct. Or you only care about that sheep.


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[Assistant] You fucking hate Protestants, don't you? You can't say hate.


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[Assistant] I think it's, I think it's for you. It's true. Here's a question. Cause I was just thinking of Matt being a priest. Now, you're allowed to drink a little bit as a priest, right? Being hammered is wrong.


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[Assistant] It was chill, it was chill back then. Chillin' with drunkards and hookers all day? Yea, that's what I'm saying. That would be frowned upon.


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[Assistant] So you disagree strongly with the Protestants, but you're cool with the Jews. You think the Jews are alright, right?


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[Assistant] Podcasts I was telling you about because they were talking about Judeo-Christian virtues and like free will and all this shit, but


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[Assistant] One thing Sam Harris was talking about, and it's kind of interesting, is like modern, like religion was always able to...


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[Assistant] Yeah, we're Catholic, we're right. We're Muslim. Hullo!


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[Assistant] Now that we've got the internet and globalization and all that, like, I mean, travel, everybody travel, like, now you're starting to be like, wait, are these guys right? Sure. It's like, what about, like, yeah, religion's kinda...


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[Assistant] Well what's the, uh, give unto Caesar?


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[Assistant] When was the Magna Carta? Wasn't that? 1215. Okay, and that was before they, the Protestant Reformation was in like this?


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[Assistant] So, the Judeo-Christian, the Jerusalem-Athens way of thinking laid the ground for British law. What's the word for that? English common law or whatever?


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[Assistant] Well, if you're a guy who's willing to sell his kid for sex slaves to sex slavery and someone gives you a sweet treat, you're like, let me suck on this. Wait, where was St. Nicholas getting all these?


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[Assistant] Well that's why Trump said, of those banned countries, if you're a religious minority, which is basically just like if you're a Christian, because they were all Muslim countries, then you're allowed in.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my Coptic, uh, Coptic Christian brother-in-law is Egyptian and every day I'm friends with him and a bunch of his buddies on Facebook and like every day they're posting a different


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that argument I just had? And I just looked it up and it's like, the argument for a Palestinian state is kinda flimsy. So it's like, they never really had a country ever to begin with.


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[Assistant] And they don't, they're not a, that's not a religious sect that wants to grow, right? Judaism?


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[Assistant] It's hard to become Jewish, and to become Muslim, all you have to do is say... Don't you just have to say something?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Right? So you need to come into a vagina. That's what it's meant.


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[Assistant] How do they fit? How do they fit? Inprinting and stuff? Yea. All your theories are like what the church is te- like, no fapping, tea porn is- tea porn is a depth of hell. It's just bad.


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[Assistant] Alright, uhm, we are going long on this but I don't give a fuck.


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[Assistant] How about uhm, what's the catholic church now, what's their stance on like hell?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you can say my bad. I think it is if you mean it. In your heart.


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[Assistant] In that sense, God's all knowing and would know if you're just being like, I'm afraid of my consequence, so now I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] No, no, it's a punishment for thinking that way.


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[Assistant] So this is where I have a big disagreement with the Catholic Church, because I've heard priests say that that's all bullshit.


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[Assistant] The classic Roman Catholic teaching, that's not right. But isn't the Catholic Church, one of the good things about it, it's supposed to evolve with what we know now?


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[Assistant] We don't, we're not, you know. Like what you just said about homosexuality. I really doubt that.


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[Assistant] Two hundred years ago, if you asked a priest what he thought of homosexuality, he wouldn't say your thoughts and what you, you know, how you feel about somebody else. That's not, that's not your fault.


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[Assistant] Well then in that case, every single suicide, your brain is the one that's like...


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[Assistant] I'd say it's, I'd say it's a very reasonable, uh... Probably trying to find the truth.


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[Assistant] Well, I would say in there, what I would imagine they say is hell is not a physical place. Hopefully. This is what they say.


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[Assistant] You could sell Donald Trump the Sistine chapter. Right, and what would he do to it? And block it off and monetize it.


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[Assistant] So, what does the Catholic Church say about Communism?


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[Assistant] Yeah, she probably felt bad about something she did, or she was trying to touch your penis.


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[Assistant] I feel like a lot of people that become priests are very socially out of touch and are just fucking weird.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It's kind of irrelevant. Yeaah. Because a lot of the guys are out of touch with what the fuck humans are doing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we're talking to you about Catholicism, so anytime you talk religion with anybody, it's an actual religious person, which you are. You sound like a fucking weirdo.


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[Assistant] It's so sick. Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is religious now. I know, it would be awesome. Nah, it's, I don't know. You gotta let them do hands


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[Assistant] I ran into some sisters of, there was a bunch around Ardmore. That would always get their car fixed where I'm at. Sisters like the Jesus Cross. Child Jesus? Maybe, yea.


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[Assistant] And they did a lot of like, their whole thing was just helping poor people, like every single day.


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[Assistant] Also, think about the stress of also believing, believing that there's a fucking hell. Like, you should believe it.


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[Assistant] That's, you're saying nuns are a bad example because they don't have stress. So the coming doesn't count.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were always, I always saw them out constantly doing shit, which, which I was, I don't know, there was a weird, uh,


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[Assistant] Deacon that was around us that I was pretty sure he was pretty, pretty gay.


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[Assistant] But how about all that suffering they go through? That would be perceived in the eyes of God as something beautiful.


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[Assistant] I hate when Catholics get lumped in with like, uh, the Protestants that are like building those


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[Assistant] And like, uh, abortion clinic bombings and like, shit like that. I mean, when they're like, Chris, yea you said it, it's like, dude, all we do is fuck kids. That's our only bad friend. That's true. We haven't fucked up in a while. Ever since the Pope was cool with the Holocaust.


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[Assistant] Fuck kids, we're cool with the holocaust, that's it.


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[Assistant] Just like starting over. Kinda like the Muslims in Baghdad. Right? Or where was it where they saved all that shit?


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[Assistant] So I would say in response to what you said about like how the church is like, ah, less people are coming, maybe gay marriage or...


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[Assistant] Pope Francis is like, who am I to judge about gay people?


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[Assistant] I think that comes with the church actually evolving.


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[Assistant] Now you can look at it from a cynical perspective of like, well they just need more money so they're just saying that. They don't believe that.


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[Assistant] I think the main goal of the church is to probably try to figure out the truth of a good life. And if the people are saying, hey, this is wrong, I think it would be in their best interest if they're looking for the truth to listen.


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[Assistant] I think another disconnect comes from the church's business is saving souls. Well, if you're a person that's like, I don't know how real souls are or what we're saving from.


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[Assistant] They must, cause like, inherently I kinda sometimes believe, like,


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[Assistant] The fuck are you guys talking about? Heaven and hell. Right. Why don't you chill with that? You're clearly just trying to make money.


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[Assistant] That was the fucking Protestant Dutch that eventually broke in there. Was it really? It was the Dutch, the Protestants.


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[Assistant] It's, you know, for, for many different reasons. The Judeo-Christian values were not on the Eastern Front.


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[Assistant] Anyway, we can talk all day about this, because being Catholic rocks. Guys, quit fucking coming. Could you do me a kindness?


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[Assistant] That wasn't meant to be that funny. That was a nice, that was a nice, uh, we got some shitty atheist listeners, we got some, uh, we got a lot of southerners, probably all have their dumb protestant views.


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[Assistant] That's weird, never thought about that. Our whole country is fuckin' Protestant. It's like Quakers and shit, until all the fuckin'... Amish, we're the Amish people fallin' in on this. The Quae, they're Protestant.


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[Assistant] Yes. Very much as a Protestant preacher. What do they do?


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[Assistant] Everybody, every religion's like, yo. No comment. Could you guys do me a favor? I wonder why that is. You guys like not come?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but so is spitting and not many people are against that. Saliva is used for...


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[Assistant] No, you're, you're right. You're saying come is to make kids. Sure. That's it. But I'm saying


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[Assistant] The world with that plastic, I think it's good that biodegradable. Golden chalices. Yeah, it's just one, you think about it, you got one cup your whole fucking life. True that. You got one sick golden chalice.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, the Catholic Church, uh, is, historically has done a lot of...


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[Assistant] Absolutely horrendous things, but as were the times.


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[Assistant] Is it protestant muslim? I'm not fucking protestant dude. I'm not even sure what protestants are. They're fucking, Brian Six is a protestant dude.


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[Assistant] Imagine his hellish, sinful life. Classic Protestant.


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[Assistant] Yeah, everybody you know that sucks is a Protestant.


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[Assistant] Fair enough. All the gay guys? You think they're Protestants? Protestants?


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[Assistant] That was a lot. That was a lot, man. That was a lot. Uhm, yeaah, it wasn't as funny as we usually are, but...


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[Assistant] Yeah, well Dano is like, he's like a fucking hardcore cat.


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[Assistant] Well that, yeah, cause he also has a personal life. Exactly. Unlike us two losers. Exactly. He's not all in on this.


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[Assistant] It's like, you mean gay dudes? Clearly gay? Well, when we were off the mic and I'm talking to him, like I was at his, I got fucked up at his house on Friday. Just drinking whiskey and eating steak. It was fucking sick. And we sat there and we were like,


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[Assistant] Like you get in there, I mean you're surrounded by, imagine going to the seminary and being surrounded by like, first off dudes who want to be fucking priests.


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[Assistant] That we don't even fucking know why we're doing it. And it's all because a long time ago the Catholic Church was like, this is what you do now.


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[Assistant] Totally chill. Cause your name, people keep saying your name and you live on through the, like I mean it all, anyway. Uhm. Saint Nicholas is going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a, there's a time that he, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, it was crazy to hear him join that. He was, he played middle linebacker for us, he was fucking sick. He hit like a motherfucker and he was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a girthy boy, I don't wanna tackle me. He was like, mean to people. He's like a motherfucker out there, dude. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't, he wasn't, he's, he's thicker now than he used to be. He used to be just fucking. He looks fucking jack. The first time I met him, he was in eighth grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend, I'll be at Helium Comedy Club with Sam Morrell. That'll be a good one.


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[Assistant] Miss Pat, she bumped you? Yeah, I got down there on Thursday night as I walked in for the show. Miss Pat came back into the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring him on. I was like, alright, sick. Hit me off. She got shot.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, so I'm at Helium this weekend, I'm trying to think, I'm sorry, I should have my calendar out. If I have any sick ass shows, uh, no, you can't go to that.


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[Assistant] We'll see if that holds. It has held the last couple days.


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[Assistant] Around August our numbers just dropped out of fucking, from like thousands of listeners to like 200 and it was like oh shit we're peasants. And now the numbers are back.


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[Assistant] We don't know. Dude, this podcast is secret because number one, we don't fucking really advertise for it. True that. Or like push it on anybody outside of our fucking Facebook. True that. We just let the, we let the boys spread the word dude. We're like Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not trying to spread the gospel. We just know the truth. We have it.


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[Assistant] No one's allowed in here. And, uh, oh my god, this was hilarious. This, uh, this...


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[Assistant] She's gonna get fired. Yeah, when people share it, I'm just like, you're crazy. I know. You have a life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a good catholic episode for the people out there.


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[Assistant] Repent and please stop coming. Please. Whatever you do.


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[Assistant] Colin, I think his friend who's probably a really nice guy is also a fucking liar.


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[Assistant] What do you think, dude? Dude, we're fucking hot right now. What are we into this? 35 minutes. Ooh, that's a good halftime break. Hell yea dude. Let them know. That's literally right.


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[Assistant] We're at an hour and ten, bro. Perfect. We're good. Perfect. Get back to my babe. I had that slow start. That was a str-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, even though, even though they're, they're white girls, uh, she just learned how to speak. It's not Japan, Hong Kong, which is like, uh, yeah, right outside of China and, uh, the rape of Nandong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to do it to Stern when I was younger, and now it's like, now it's fucking Matt and Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Steve Gerben and that's kinda why I'm on this podcast, but he's boys with you guys. And for as long as I've known Steve, he's known that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like not even, nobody even really knows. I mean, biblically, yeah, but it existed before they used to cut, uh, like Egyptian slaves, uh, and probably as just a, a sign of subjugation, like you're, you're our bitch. We're going to cut your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, it's a weird, it's a weird thing to do. I mean, it's only, we don't, we're just born into it now, and we're like, yeah, whatever, you cut somebody's dick up, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you're an alien, you land on this planet and you're like, alright, okay, I see what you do in like normal, normal shit you're eating and stuff. And then it's like, oh, this is a baby boy. This is what we do to it. Like, let's get the fucking clamps and knives out and let's, let's go at this baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, I've been, I've been into this shit since I was a kid, actually. You heard it, where, where did you hear about this from? Howard Stern used to scream about this shit on the radio, him being a Jew himself, uh. He didn't like it. Yeah, he, it, like 1999, he started, he, he clearly like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got upset about being cut himself at some point. Cause he would go on the air and like over and over and over again be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, maybe it was just because I was sensitive at that age or what, but I got really upset about it. Uhm, my dad's Jewish too. Okay. And uhm. You're Jewish? Well my dad is, my mom was Catholic, but they didn't raise us with religion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's become just this American thing, like, Europe thinks we're fucking nuts, Australia doesn't do it, uh, China doesn't do it, uhm, places that we're passing it on to, like Africa, we're, we're big in Africa right now, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, trying to push it, uh, the Gates Foundation is out there trying to, it's weird man, if you drive down the, the, the roads in Africa, you'll see billboards that are like, get circumcised, it's the right thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're probably being taught it's like to prevent disease. HIV in particular. And uhm, the studies that were done out there are just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, it started biblically, but we didn't start doing it, uhm, as a sort of like industrialized society thing to do, uhm, until the early, late 1800s, early 1900s when they were trying to stop boys from masturbating. This is like puritanical root shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it was, it was back then, like, masturbation was thought to, like, create all these issues. Like, they, they, they were really into this idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and like, you know, girls used to wear chastity belts, and this isn't that long ago, this is like a hundred years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so they were like, they started doing it to teen boys originally in the US, doctors, cause they were like, they were the ones that were masturbating, they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's always been sort of this cure searching for a disease to cure and like over the past decades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been like one thing after another, like it used to supposedly cure epilepsy, like in the thirties or something like that. And then it became syphilis. I've never had a seizure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well, it picked up, it also picked up in England at the time, but they got rid of it, uhm, when the, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they got, uh, the NHS, the National Health Service, which is like their...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, it's, you still see it in a few places, like Australia kind of has this like, it's like 20% or something like that. Nobody's, it's not illegal to cut a guy's dick anywhere, like in the entire world. Um, it's illegal to cut a girl, uh, here federally in 1996. And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of, at least most of the, the, the western world rejects it completely. Uhm, but we, we fail to make the analogy to male circumcision. In fact, most of the time people just go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the same thing at all. Uhm, and that's, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A just like not knowing what's happening in a certain decision because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certain forms, there's four different forms of female genital cutting and there's pretty much one form of male genital cutting and the one form of male genital cutting is probably more aggressive than at least two of the forms of female genital cutting because the first two are just like, they're gonna like slightly prick the clit or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay, so I believe there's, there's like a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, um, yeah, there's like in fibulation, which I'm not sure if that's what happened to her, where they, where they really, they completely take out the clit and then they sew them up. Yeah, that was the one where they, yeah, I think they cut off your lace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they cut off, they cut off the clit and then parts of the labia and then they sewed them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's insane. That's the most extreme form. And the least severe is just where they like prick the hood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, exactly. And it's kind of weird, but I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The clit is analogous to the penis. I mean, a clit is a small penis. And the hood is the foreskin. That is the prepuce. Both men and women have a prepuce, which is the foreskin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She doesn't have to pull her manhood off. Oh yea, I gotta ask, are you wearing a manhood right now? No, I mean, so not, not really, not an actual manhood, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know what it's like, honestly to, cause like if I take it off and try and walk around with it, it bothers me. Wait, wait, wait, what do you have? Uh, it's just, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like a, it's like a, it's a piece of a thing that- A piece of what thing? It's like- You didn't want to say what it's a piece of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make, they make, you've seen this, Matt, where like this shit to restore your foreskin, like these things that like will hold your dick. Yep. And it was a piece of one of these when I, that I got one at, so at like, at like 17, I was like this, this was wrong, that this was done to me. Yeah. I want it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started doing it, and I used to like walk around in fucking high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I can't go back. You hit like a point where you can't, you have to go with fucking manholes all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that skin that is exposed to your, to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just cultural blinders, man. It's like, we do it here so it's normal and we don't wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually we don't wanna, like, look at other countries and go, oh yea, you guys are right, but in this case, we've really got this one sorely wrong. Uh, like, I mean, just think about it. You have a baby boy, and the first thing you do, have either of you guys ever watched this procedure? No, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should watch this dude. I mean just the whales will get you the ba- like this is not a normal-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which again, how do they do that? Epinephrine? No, so they give him a shot, basically, anesthetic, like a local anesthetic, like you might get if you're getting a cavity drilled, like right into the base of his penis. Yea, the needle alone is horrific to watch. And there's basically a lot of touching on his penis, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the process to cut a kid, you gotta first separate the foreskin from the head of the penis. That's why it's all bloody when you do it at first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's fused to the head of the penis. And actually, if you take your baby home intact and don't cut him, they'll be like, don't pull his foreskin back because it's fused right now. So it's either like, you can either completely fuck the kid's dick up or they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't even tamper with his dick. So, but if you are gonna tamper with his dick, they're gonna, they have to like break it off from the head first and then, and then they can cut it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they have to what, so basically then you get these like outer and inner foreskin and they have to fuse it together and they have to use a clamp to put a ton of pressure on it. I didn't see that part. Yea, you didn't get that far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, then they put a ton of pressure on it and it fuses it together. And then, uh, and then that's it. I mean the procedure is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it came off. So I was telling Shane earlier, man, it's,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The adult penis is lacking 15 square inches of foreskin because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you wrapped an index card around your dick, that's what, that's what you lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In most circumcisions, I mean, there's no cut here line, so like, you don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, some, some, some guys get it so much worse than others. Some guys like can't come and, you know, and they suffer silently. Like you don't hear about this shit. Like a guy's not gonna go public and be like, I'm pissed off because I can't come. We need to end circumcision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I don't give a fuck, I'm not gonna do it. So let me jump in, let me jump in on that. Because there was a podcast a few times ago where, where you were, you were kind of blaming women. He always blames women for all issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, yeaah, there are women out there, especially in America, who just like, just like men in America, defend circumcision by being like, it looks better this way. But this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at who the decision is up to most of the time, women defer to the men and they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can choose because he has the dick. And it's usually guys doing this to their sons. And it's, it's not, but it's the same position Shane is coming from, which is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like to admit that I'm, I don't want to do it to my son is also to admit that there's, that I was harmed as a child and that's really hard to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to face that, you just kind of go, instead of facing, you just kind of go, yeah, let's just do it to him. And you keep, you keep trivializing in your head and we do a good job of hiding it in this culture. Like we all just are grown up and thought to think that, oh, it's just a quick snip. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing man, times are changing. Like, it's only, it's not. When we were born, it was like 85% of kids were getting cut in this country. So like you had a very slim chance of escaping it. But now it's closer to 50%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean it's about fucking time dude, we're about to go to Mars but we can't like get dick cutting right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think women, women are more,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, let me check you for your foreskin. First of all, when you got a hard dick, you can't even tell unless you inspect the shit out of it. And how many of them are doing that, first of all? And then they're gonna throw you out on top of it? No, like the attraction's already over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, like having a son now, especially cause like we're probably a generation that might be able to be like the one of the last ones to get rid of this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, probably, hopefully before like I die, this shit starts to dwindle down, but you know, we have a chance to kind of like break the chain here and just be like, I'm not saying guys should walk around and be depressed, but like acknowledge that this sucks and that we need to stop doing it. Yeah. Just watch that fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the BBC thing. Yeah, that was the BBC thing. Yeah, that's a, that's a truck. A guy I know, um, he heads up one of, one of the places that I, that I kind of do just charity work for Intaction. He fucking put this truck together, um,