[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had a look in her eye that concerned everybody. It was like an ear to ear crazy smile and glassy eyes with fires dancing in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? Oh, you guys see my current? Oh, first of all, I take that one in. Snap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it was a blast. I had a great time. I had a very, very good time. One night was fine. One night was good. I didn't think we missed anything. I didn't sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we left, everybody else wishes everybody just went home at that point. Except for Ari.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck does drinking syrup and pepper have to do with living in the woods?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're right. I never have. What do you do? Do you build a toilet out of some sort of stand? No, you just squat and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I bring a generator, last 10 days? No. You could definitely do it. I could do it, I'd be miserable though. I'd hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On pure, uh... Spite? Spite, yeaah. Absolutely. On pure spite I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually what I would do is I would end up leaving in the middle of the night angry, myself, like slapping my own arms from bug problems, and then I'd go over and I'd kick her tent poles down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they have film of like his last moments before, like, what's the film show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't still think that's funny? It's great that he died. You don't think it's funny that a man believes that a bear is his friend? That a bear kills him? You don't think that's fucking, you don't think that's fucking sweet, the sweet, sweet justice of nature? It is sweet justice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Base jumped, landed, and then the park rangers chased him into the, like the creek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And his parachute got tangled up and he ended up drowning and they blamed like the forest rangers for chasing him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing an illegal base jump, so we did a demonstration of base jumping, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they were landing on parachutes and waiting to be arrested. The cops were all there. It was like a demonstration and the cops are arresting everybody and that's their...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just going to see. Splatter. This is how the shoot- I don't want to see them cry- I want to hear when they realize the shoot's done, he goes, he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but the comment's the first, he goes, maybe that's the wrong lever. It's the other side, and he goes, ah, that was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna, it's gonna, water's gonna hit you almost as hard as concrete. At that, at that speed. But I really don't, I don't feel bad, I mean I feel bad for the families of people who lost people to that, but I mean as a person, like, you're a moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Dan was like, we were on a hill and I was the bottom of the hill, sort of. And Dan starts out just showing me, he's showing me his, uh, over the middle, like, tight end passing game. Listen dude, I had to put a run on the numbers. And I mean, dude, he zipped one in there and I just was, and it popped my tit. If I had an implant, I'd be, I'd have silicone poisoning right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Separately and together trying to show Becky how to throw the football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think I'm saying there? What, I don't understand what this is, Christine, what you have up, uh, on the thing. Welcome back to the bonfire, by the way. Big dick, wishing Dan soda. Hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I definitely would not disrespect you in that fashion. I want to apologize for that. I didn't realize what was said till I heard the replay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my bad chick, I don't, I don't, did I, is that what I said? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you say yes? Do you say yes at first? Yea. You said yes, but he's calling to apologize for saying yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said more upset, you said, oh no, I misheard him, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got the stretch sign at Carolyn's for the first time in forever Sunday. Really? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like an hour forty-five or something I did. Jesus! Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure. Uh, no, oh, yeah, no, I didn't take one home. I'll tell you what, we forgot to mention here when we came in, and we should mention this again, if this might cost us, we'll see how much Florentine wants to get into, uh, when he gets here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a chaos happening out in the lobby of this place because they're bringing in who? Lou? You know who it is. There's a DJ coming in. Arden Van Buren. Arden Van Buren is gonna play music. You know that, Isabella? So he's not cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's playing something and there's chaos out there. Chaos? It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, as we're out there, me and Dan come in, me and Dan have badges to work here. We can walk straight through. We don't have to stop at the desk or anything. As we walk in, the fucking security desk guy holds up a little


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, pencil case? It was the pen holder. The pen holder? With a sign on it that says, uh, I'm putting out a tip thing, I'm accepting tips now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is up for you guys, excepting tips, and we, and like me, I gave him five dollars, so awkwardly, to literally say, that fi- I hope that's the last money you get, for the next year of your life, and get fired. That's fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, cause I think he knew it was like- I didn't see the sign, what the sign said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No where near the level, no where near the level of anger I had though, for it. Should have not been the case. I didn't, I didn't understand the joke happening at all. I just came into it, I actually came back, you know, you were talking to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buddy on the way here, uh, me and Isabella, Isabella's here today, we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funnier than just saying Vietnamese people because how many of them are you going to run across in your life outside of a Vietnamese restaurant?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this where you guessed we were?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when, uh, I love when gay people get together and act like straight people are never gonna see this. This is a real, no one straights gonna see this. Yeah, I can't believe like southern strict Christian


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This show is, uh, this show is Shane Openly Gay, so I don't know if you have a problem with that. No, I don't, I don't have a problem with gay people. This is, uh, this is so beyond gay, whatever this is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, Shane, do you have where we're at in the, uh, in the thing we do? Okay, this is. Now on a saturn note. Uh, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like John Popper, he comes in, he is nowhere near as cool as John Popper in terms of, he goes in immediately, and I'll say this and then we'll take a commercial before we come back to the actual video because we could bring Jim in probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's me the king. King of what? He goes, don't ask. Don't ask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna jump on Elvis. Uhm, so this kid, uh, walks in, goes in for a hug immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part is she goes, you want a cupcake? Cause he's fat and feels uncomfortable. He goes, no, no, I don't want a cupcake. And then as the conversation goes on at one point he just goes, you make these cupcakes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Run. Just keep going. Smash the window if you have to. Get out of there, man. Just fucking cannonball out of there. But that's, uh, the fun we were having. Listen, we'll take our break here and we'll come back with this. Uh, we're hanging out with Shane Gillis, everybody. It's the Bonfire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was Mark Slaughters, it was Mark Slaughters, it was the baby faces with the long hair. No one was doing yeaah, like any kind of like beard with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a chest, a lot of chest hair. How's his dong? He show dong? I don't think he showed dick though. I'm sure if you look enough you can probably find Kip Winger's dick online at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend Jay, uh, little Jay, his brother went to jail and came out in a switch of that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really does. From SNL. Everything's bad about it. Why does this guy clean shave face? I never- Man, if you're fat, you gotta do the beard. Yea, he would look cooler with a beard. Even Bruce Valanche looked better with a beard. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much better with a beard. Then he looks like an old lady. Like when he shaved it off. This guy, I mean, pick one of the chins and grow some hair on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care if it's the neck one or the one that's a little bit under his lips. Just one of them needs some hair on it to give some definition of the jawline existence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first time I've ever seen Chris Hansen start to feel, he said he had to remind himself over and over again that if we weren't doing a sting, and this was working out for him, that he was about to fuck a 12 year old, to make him stop, to make him stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make him stop feeling like, ah, you poor shithead. Cause this guy unravels immediately when he sits at the table. And he actually feels bad for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said he starts to feel big. You can't help but not. Again, the fact that he is 19, as much as you hate to say it, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you forgive it a little more than it being like a 50 year old or something or 30 or 40 year old because he's a, he's a loser who's never had a chance at anything. Do you know what I mean? He feels like such a loser. He's like, this is the only person I can like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Convinced to like me, you know what I'm saying? But it's evil. So, fuck him. But it is funny how Chris Anson has to almost be like, hey champ, hey, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not wrong. Well maybe that's problem one, champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The impression of Chris Hansen. Do you remember, did you watch the show when it was on TV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember around like season, like three?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they would get caught, the people knew the show also. Yeah. And cause the big thing in the beginning was that he'd be, uh, he'd start talking to him and they'd go, I don't want to listen to this shit. Are you the cops? And he's like, no, no, we're a TV show only. He's like, I don't want to do this. I'm going to leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so excited to send them out there. They'd go, I don't want to do this anymore. He's like, you can go if you want to go. Are there cops outside?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I don't know. Why don't you go find out? Are they gonna taze me out there? It's possible. Is this a guy getting tazed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there are ones of people getting tased on that show that are so funny. They go, they go, put your hands in the air. He goes, okay. And he just tased him. He goes, move your hands from where I want to tase you at. He's like, ah fuck, ah fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The transcripts are never good. I say, I'm seven. People will say that's wrong. And you go, seven's almost too old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eight. Eight? Any interest in girls at all? Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Every time I get up there has to be some sort of like a pants-fix situation. This guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's tucking him in under the top gut. That's the move. I'm a size 40 jeans. I think if I wear it across my belly button, 57.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I come over so stupid they use like really fake names because I'm here to see sticky Stacey. I hate saying it out loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is like, I guess what, it's organic? And then what, just in the ground?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jacob, you wanna decompose as much as possible and give back to the earth? I do. Jacob, you would do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we, do we give up on, uh, recycling styrofoam? They tell us not to even put it in the recycling. That was a big deal for a while. That you have to recycle it, now they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no electrical lines. I want this thing to run on gas generator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Night of the Living Dead, the remake? I believe that is what happens in the beginning, you try to cremate a guy and he sits up. Are you talking about that? Is that the science you're working off of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is he a guy who wore the mushroom suit? That couldn't look more like a guy who cares about wearing a mushroom suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool. He goes, when I die, I leave behind my once-a-year chili recipe. And he goes, my tapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without even thought. What if I want to have you stuffed and put in a Jesus pose over my mantel?


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[Assistant] If you get rich enough, I bet you can. I think you can taxidermy a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring those up. Have you ever seen these, Jim? What's that? These are amazing. The, the, uh, black people and Hispanic people in LA at the new thing that came big was like these gang members being stuffed and posed at the funerals. So they're wearing like their gang colors and just sitting in a chair and people are taking pictures. And they look, like I said years ago, they look like cake. They look, they're made of cake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's so bizarre. Yea, these are all dead people and they just prop up in their position.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want the pod or anything. I want that. You want to be posed? I want you guys to bring me out posed. Doing god knows what. I don't know. Archery? Something I never did for real. Can you guys make me into like a centaur or something where I have a horse body?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I need you really hitting the gym, like two a days. You need me to carb down before I die, or? I can't believe anybody would want to see, I don't even, I fully don't understand the open casket, honestly. I think you should have that for people that do want to go to that, but just to have the, the wake, the open casket. When I saw, as I said, Mike DeStefano was so like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's never like a good feeling about it afterwards, that's like how I picture them always now, you know what I mean? Yea, cause they don't really look like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much makeup, because I mean, they're essentially decomposing. We're not all in mushroom suits, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you don't put your- I thought Jacob was gonna like a magician's assistant finally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's probably, how much does it cost? 500 bucks. So yea, it's just the earn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll definitely make some sort of a hipster legal case though where they would stop, if someone did that, like you carved your name into my father, my father tree. I bet that would be a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd have to hear that case, yeaah. It's like too emotional because some of my dad's useless ashes were at the bottom of this tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatchamacallit, Mike Suarez, one of his producers, was sleeping above me and Chris Dominguez. We were in a bedroom, he was in like a little thing above us, and Dan was on the couch. We were all right near each other. And Mike, uh, making that noise, I said, I go, he came in second place on, to Manowar on the most highest decibels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what was that band where they really did dress like, uh, Lodi? Loki?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lordy? Lordy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lordy. They looked the part like that. It was just, they were just giant, like viking people. Badass. Covered in dirt, looked like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That and another band you showed me, that band Ghost, are like the two bands now in metal that are actually, I see billboards in Times Square for them, which is fucking odd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as comics are loved to be, uh, liked also, you'll push the people who have been nice to you. A band that you know, these guys are the best. Are they? No, but they're so awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You listen to one album. What are you fucking mad about? I can't believe the last time I bought new metal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a long time. All mine is going backwards. I've been in like a- I was in a Megadeth phase a few weeks ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long he did, but he went up there, yeaah. I wonder if me and Ari went up on the main stage there once, just like to fuck around for like a minute or two. Yeaah. Got off, but you had to do a set up there to a fucking stadium. It's crazy. It's a soccer stadium too, so it's like 80 some thousand. Yeaah. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I wish I would have seen Korn when they were there. I missed him tonight. They were there, it was amazing apparently. It was the first night, the first night the guitar player came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see her going through her phone like quickly and just like adding it but not wanting me to know she's adding it. She wants to go, this music sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clown did a thing during that tour where he would take the baseball bat and like go through the whole audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Break if he wants. So he breaks all that stuff and then just goes down and like, uh, gets like nose to nose with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And funny, she wasn't scared. He was dripping sweat. It was so crazy. And I remember she just looked at me with a face of like, what's this guy's fucking deal? Like she just didn't process like how like everybody else in the place is going, that's crazy. That's how you have no idea. You know what I mean? She was too young and like, it's not her scene to know what's happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, they're making the money now too. That's always the funniest. Metallica documentaries moved on and on and get to that point where you're like, man, what's fucking shredders Kirk Hammett go doing at his house? And he's like, I like to have tea and sit by a diffuser and just, you know, think about life and look at my mountains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's such like delectable lot, you know, slippers and nice robes, I'm sure a lot. And these guys you're expecting to be like, it's always grimy, you know what I mean? Eating peaches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, in Brendan Schaub's special, I believe he says that, uh, the girl he's banging Bubba's ex-wife, Bubba the Love Sponge's ex-wife was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he like eluded that she was awful looking. I thought she was like crazy. I mean like in the most like stripper porn star hot kind of way, so it's a very specific thing which maybe isn't his deal. But he was like, I think he described her as kind of like ugly and I was like, no, she's a hot chick. Heather Clem or something? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a terrible picture. It was more like her body was like nuts. And this also happened like 15 years ago. Yea, it was a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three different documentaries of the curtain call event, they call it in wrestling. Yeaah. That like, uh, where I'm kinda like, okay, like, so the guys were leaving and they did a big, like, thing at the end. What's the big, do you know what the curtain call is? It was, uh, before Kevin Nash and Scott Hall left to go to WCW and that happened years ago. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, uh, this is still the time that I watched wrestling too. They had, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny how big Triple H is in wrestling now for getting in trouble like that at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan Soder gonna be at Rochester, New York at Comedy with the Carlson, June 6th through the 8th. Get tickets at dansoder.com. Make sure, is this season finale? I'm behind two episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we were off last week, we got three episodes left, dude. Three episodes left. Uh, three episodes left with billions, Sunday nights, 10pm, 9pm. 10pm. 9pm. 9pm on Sundays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, billions of course. And uh, check out our app, check out the website, cc.com slash bonfire. You can catch all of our clips, it's a new site, it's up, it's great. Uh, the new app only subscription promo still going on? Or is it all over?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah, listen only on your phone if you'd like. You don't have to get a car subscription, how fun is that? And then uhm, tomorrow we're gonna be playing the bonfire from around the bonfire, yeaah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna hurt myself, I'm gonna jump ridiculously and I'm gonna bash my teeth into the microphone or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a shot, I'm telling you there's a shot. If I feel right now that a drip of piss came out of my pee hole when he tickled me. It's possible. I feel like it's possible. Can you check? Can you put your hand down there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know if it's so much like the reaction of Tickle, like the laughing. I think it's like the not being able to stop someone prodding me. Yeah, getting prodded sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or he gets tickled and pees and furiously beats the shit out of the other guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's gonna be like the kid in the school where I'm gonna have pants full of piss and I'm gonna be on top of you hitting and crying at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so you know I'm not gay, cause when I get tickled I pee. That's not gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan Soder, I found the position in life where you are gonna find the woman of your dreams. Pretty much figured it out here. Uh, me and Christine went, and we'll talk about that in a second too, the Sixers game last night. Interesting game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch the warm up. But JJ Reddick stood for about 10 minutes doing dribbling drills with two balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Christine was just panty soaked. Eww. She had to almost tell, she had to almost tell, uh, uh, uh, Matt Cord that her panties were soaked. She goes, Matt, I gotta, I gotta sit down, I'm sopping wet. She told me it was the sexiest, hottest thing she's ever seen. And then when she told Matt Cord, she goes, that's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Like, is it cool? Cool? You didn't tell me cool. It is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see, hang on, bring up a video of him double ball dribbling and see if, uh, See if Becky gets moist. Lin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, Kestenbaum, you gonna bring this fucking goy back to your house? This guy's got religious tattoos all over his arm and shit. You gonna bring him home for- you gonna bring him home to Sukkot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about I do this? This will be fun. How about before the game even starts, I'm gonna go whisper in the Christine's ear and have her write down how the game's gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allow me to accept the fact that I love heroin and I can't do it without it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine, how do you wear flip flops so much if you have hairy feet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a great face for no beard. I couldn't picture a life of shaving my face every day. I've never done it. Ever since I've had facial hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But ever since I've had facial hair, I've had facial hair. Ever since I was able to grow it. Yeah. In some capacity. It was like in the beginning. It was great for heavier guys. It was shit, yeah. It was shitty goatee. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I shave my face bald, if I shave my face bald, which I won't, but if I did, no way. But if I did, that would be a bet. I'd bet that I'd shave my facial hair off the night that I beat you guys, but I wouldn't do it for 20 points. I'd say I'd beat you for sure. No one beats me at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have your cocksuredness. Uhm, I'll, uuuh. Yes. I'll have to wear a fake beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't be upset about the game we play, but then he's gonna beat me in round ball classics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about you? Are you getting in anything? I can't bet. I'm a Cobra guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It was crazy. Jacob shaking his head no, but Jacob would look really good with his shave, that he's just not doing it. You would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not Bic. Not Bic Razor. Take it down to a 1.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My bummer. Cause you know what that is. Here's what I hate. I hate that we're gonna have the fans all sitting and watching a game that I'm gonna nervously open this game up with a big lead and never lose it. I don't wanna lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good news is my beard will be back in about a week and a half. Should be. Roughly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His address is... He does coke off his daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He likes to be tick- he tickles until he pisses. Why are you getting behind me, dude? You are though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pee if I get tickled hard. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need to sickle me. I'll tell you what I'm doing, I'm here to save the fucking day. Thanks bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I came close actually last night, but I couldn't, something happened to her. What happened? She evaporated, she evaporated, I don't know what the fuck happened to her. You're ghost fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, this happened to you last night? Yeah, last night. Wait, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was hot, she was blonde, and I was about to do the deed, and then something happened. Oh, it was a dream? Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Dan Soder.


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[Assistant] Did you read about Starbucks? No more Merry Christmas on Starbucks. No more.


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[Assistant] I have one of the most successful Starbucks in Trump Tower.


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[Assistant] I don't know how to send this air check to Bolin Branch. I mean, the lead-in was, uh, about, yea, the Elks Lodge.


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[Assistant] It looks great, it's fuckin' incredible, I'm really excited for it. If you can just add in some jokes, this is gonna be the best special.


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[Assistant] And if you just like, look through the history of every year of Skankfest, who the, the caliber of comedians that have been there, and that this is going to be the biggest one ever. By far. If you, if you wait to get tickets, you're not gonna get tickets. They're gonna sell them out. You're, you're stupid.


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[Assistant] So let everyone else know, steer clear of this individual. But it is, and anybody who's a part of this gang fest will tell you this, it is a...


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[Assistant] It is a festival unlike any other one, and it's a different experience as a fan to come. It's a party. There's no festival that's a party the way Skankfest is. You're hanging out with all of the fucking comedians, everybody, like, it's just, if you're a comedy fan, you have to be at Skankfest. You gotta go. You gotta go.


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[Assistant] She is like one of the sweetest people in the comedy scene. She's fucking great. And that was, by the way, that was really ballsy because you know, her crowd was going to give her nothing but shit for that. And she stood up for her friend, which is like an ethic that's completely been lost in the world. And I thought that was amazing.


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[Assistant] Lewis, I've seen you take ubers. You give them away for free. You're making a buck off this one. No? Now over there maybe?


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[Assistant] Oh man, he's got kidney stone surgery on his birthday? That guy deserves a message. I know.


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[Assistant] I do love to sing. I do. I got a song on my heart. You got all those videos of you singing. Why don't you put them together, throw them on a channel, and then pump it up.


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[Assistant] Hot. Hot. How old is she? Twenty. No, the mom. Forty-five? Forty-five, yea. I think.


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[Assistant] When you know, we don't, we don't really have great cameras in the studio. Yeah. I mean, Christine said you look really good on camera. Keep in mind, Christine has seen you in real life thousands of times.


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[Assistant] Your dick sucks, but you never got to play with a fucking zebra it like there's a lot of fun shit that goes before


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[Assistant] By the way, one of the kid- one of the guys I'm pretty sure went on to fuck Britney Spears like in her prime.


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[Assistant] No, but so the kid was like, he was like 5, and he was like, won like a Michael Jackson, like, dance-a-like contest. So he did all the Michael Jackson dances, and then Michael Jackson took him and put him on this path. Also, if you're a pedo, hot. Like, if you're a pedo, yeah.


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[Assistant] Michael Jackson fucked that accent right out of him.


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[Assistant] He was sending, one of the kids was like 11 when the first charges came out.


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[Assistant] And the mom was still sending the kid to go have sleepovers with Michael Jackson. It's like, this weirdo, the weirdest human being who's ever existed, Michael Jackson.


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[Assistant] He was, he was definitely the best you could get in 1989. Actually, I love when he's probably a giant waterbed, which I'm sure I'm not comfortable with. Oh, that's awful.


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[Assistant] Evidently though, the feds did raid Neverland a couple times and uh, never found anything. Never found like any child porn or anything like that.


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[Assistant] It's just a little gay. Well let me ask you about the shirt. Did anyone come on the back?


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[Assistant] Even if you think he didn't do it, like I'm pretty sure he didn't do it. You'd entertain there's a possibility that he did. And if that possibility exists, you're like, maybe I don't want to be celebrating this guy getting off because I might be celebrating.


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[Assistant] And then yes, I agree with you, but then add all the other things into like, if you were to leave your kid around, say a celebrity who you didn't know super well, but maybe they were a celebrity who like,


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[Assistant] Had like kids of their own, had been married for awhile or something. You're talking about Michael Jackson.


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[Assistant] Well, musically speaking. Musically speaking, yeah, he's pretty good. I believe I can fly. I hate that song. Are we mixed to ignition? Yeah, we're doing that.


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[Assistant] What are we really talking about now here? You know, he had like two lawyers like watching the thing. They were like, have you ever slept with underage girls? And they're like, no, absolutely not. I would never do that. I've never done that. He goes, well, the thing is this, they're like,


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[Assistant] He also says I beat my case. Which is like what you say if you're guilty. Right. I think that's what I'm saying. He's not even saying I was innocent and that's why I got let go.


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[Assistant] That's why I said those, those clips were put out. Oh, the clip of him getting up. Those were the only clips I saw.


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[Assistant] There was one part that I think, uh, we, we talked over, but was pretty funny is after he goes, he goes, five, six, eight, 50 women. And then, uh, Gail goes out and she goes, I never said anything about 50 women.


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[Assistant] Especially if you're a pedophile going to prison, that's like the worst thing to go there for. So I hear.


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[Assistant] He's not a pedophile. I was referring to abducted in plain sight, but yeaah, I mean, I guess, I think technically he is, no.


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[Assistant] You sure about that? I don't know dude, I don't think it works that way. I think if you get convicted of like a violent crime or some shit like that, like you may not be able to go. But prisons are privatized. Yeah, but those are bad prisons a lot.


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[Assistant] It would make a huge difference.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it changes things when you have a kid where you feel like you gotta, like, you can't just be like, oh, five years in minimum security, I'm gonna kill myself. You gotta try. Five years, you definitely gotta try. You gotta try to get back out. Five years, you gotta do it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's no good option for your kid at that point. You killing yourself is pretty bad too.


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[Assistant] Present company excluded. Even like 20 years, if it was something where it's gonna be just rough conditions and you're like, my kid's gonna be grown, he's gonna be an adult at that point, I'm gonna be in a nightmare for 20 years, who knows who the fuck I'm gonna be when I come back, that's probably around suicide territory for me. Twonzo, is that the end of uh,


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[Assistant] It's not all fun though, a lot of times you're on the road and these gross 20 year olds keep throwing themselves at you. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] And also there's something to like, like I know, if I right now,


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[Assistant] Had to go back to being as broke as I was 10 years ago. It would kill me.


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[Assistant] But ten years ago I was okay doing it because that was just kind of what I was used to.


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[Assistant] If I had my whole life to figure it out. I don't think it's just a question of who's smarter, who has more time. I think there's like, opportunity kind of has to present itself. Like, I think it's very hard. I would get a Bible. I would get one of those little... This guy's never seen Tango and Cash.


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[Assistant] I think so. I mean, Ted Bundy escaped twice. Yea, but that was like in the 70s and his escape really made me feel like Lewis would be 100% right. It was like silly things like, oh, we forgot to lock the cell. Or like, it had like one of those ceilings with the squares that you could just move out of the way. Yea, I know.


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[Assistant] Leaving you a gun and forgetting to bring in our guns was a really stupid move.


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[Assistant] All I, all I like remembered of the Ted Bundy story before I watched the documentary was like, he killed women in horrific ways. And he was handsome, that's what I always knew. Yea, like that kind of thing, that he was like a charming guy who changed his look a lot.


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[Assistant] But then they get into it, and he goes to jail, and escapes, and they catch him from escaping, and he escapes, and I think he escapes in Seattle, and he makes it to Florida, and keeps killing women, and at that point in the documentary, it's impossible to not be rooting for him a little bit. Like you're like, dude, you have done so much here. It's kinda like, alright, let's see if we can make it to another stage.


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[Assistant] There was that one guy, he was getting moved to prison, and then the bus crashed, and then one of the guards was hurt, the other guard threw him the keys, and then he shackled himself and ran, and then there was like a manhunt for him for a while, but he ended up piling together evidence that he didn't kill his wife.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I forget you guys are all dead. I could, I would do a much, like, uh, it would be definitely less years where I would kill myself. You know what I mean? Like, with a kid, cause something like seven years in a brutal prison. Like, no kids, I think I would just be like, I can't live a living hell for seven years. Or with a kid, you just feel an obligation to, I have to try to get through this.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Turns out the cure is 10,000 lifetime assists.


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[Assistant] I got rid of me AIDS, I did, I did. You know what? I got me some AIDS. There was really a lot of hype about AIDS when I was a kid. It never really materialized. Yeah. Never came to fruition.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm past the point really of having to be scared also because like, uh, when Lauren was pregnant, they test you for everything and she passed everything.


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[Assistant] I was like, I'm good. It's so funny you treat it like your AIDS test. It's how I get tested every time.


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[Assistant] Wait, they just said it can't and now they're saying it's rare. What are you talking about? Is the next sentence you can totally get rid of it on your own?


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[Assistant] One says can't happen, the other says rarely happens.


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[Assistant] I don't think I've ever molested any children. Dave? Possibly.


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[Assistant] Well, it was the baby suffocating or sleeping the wrong way. Yea. And I don't think Sidz is gone, I think it's like down by like 80% or something like that.


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[Assistant] Let's get rickrolled. Yea, rickroll everybody. Davey? Uh, just uh, part of the problem and my special Libertas. Uh, the first special guest digital ever did. I'm excited that the next one's coming out. You guys are gonna keep doing these. But go grab Libertas and uh, part of the problem. All that stuff.


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[Assistant] Look, I said, I was making fun of the fact that my mom and dad wanted to have you over for dinner. I was texting you that as kinda like, my mom's a fucking idiot.


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[Assistant] That was nice, he sent me a nice thing. That was today? Yea, that was today.


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[Assistant] Alright, so, go back to it. You and Pete, you've known him for a long time. You've never seen him do stand up.


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[Assistant] Good fucking ride or die, uh, the Muslim dude in California.


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[Assistant] It helps quit dip. Okay.


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[Assistant] Have you? No. Alright. Sorry you don't fuckin' party, dude.


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[Assistant] Michael. I had one, I got up in the middle of the night, I was staying at my friend's house and I stood up and pissed on his roommate's bed. While the guy was in bed. Great. Uh, I got up at my uncle's house and pissed on his bench press.


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[Assistant] I ran into a guy, uh, just right before the show and he was like, he had an industry pass and he was like, we're definitely gonna do that thing.


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[Assistant] I walked out in the morning and there was a lady out there and I gave her, I was like, I gave her a 20, I didn't say a word, I was just like 10, 19, gave her a 20, got on the elevator and left.


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[Assistant] Is anybody here from this place? Knock it off.


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[Assistant] The rest of the fucking continent is speaking English. You guys are just holding off.


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[Assistant] Everyone up here speaking English, you guys are holding off just to be dickheads.


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[Assistant] Oh, a person dancing. That's unusual. Ay, chica.


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[Assistant] Nuts deep into the Michael Jackson documentary. Yeah, man. Yeah, that Neverland, Leaving Neverland, uhm, the two part documentary series on HBO that came out on Sunday and Monday.


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[Assistant] There you go, I think I got some- I don't think we finished the wade part.


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[Assistant] I don't know if Wade got mushroom cap just here. So, Vecchione walks in and is like, where are you watching the documentary? He goes, it's uh, it's pause where I came.


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[Assistant] Oh, you dirty dog! Oh man, that was, uh, where do we leave off? I'm hoping Shane watched it. I told Shane to watch. He did? He did. Yes! Coming in here, just step for step. Oh yea, no, he definitely saw it. He's pretty wigged out too. Everybody is. Yea, it's a fucked up documentary.


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[Assistant] Christine had, uh, loved Michael Jackson when she was younger. Becky, how old are you? 32.


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[Assistant] So almost always came into it like, why listen to this guy's shit, right? Cause like he's a piece of garbage. What a weird, that's so crazy just because of how colossal he was, like how big his fame was. She only knows him as a molester first. She goes, you go, oh my god, I love Beated by Michael Jackson. She goes, is that the guy that?


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[Assistant] Eat all those charges? Who gave that molester a career? Wait, that's the guy that got called innocent on ten counts in Santa Barbara?


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[Assistant] But early in me doing comedy in New York, he had a joke, he did it at Caroline's one night, I think it was him. But he goes, uh, he goes, you know, Michael Jackson,


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[Assistant] Because if you really read between the lines of the music, the information was all there. Uh, for instance, there's a song called Bad, in which the lyrics state, I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm really, really bad. You know it. I'm bad.


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[Assistant] That's really fucking funny. Shane O'Gillis joins the show. Oh, look at all ketoed. Are you all skinny now? He does look like he lost weight, dude. Hi. Did you drop a few? Hello.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know what? Uhm, go over next to Jay, cause uh... Did you drop a few LBs, dude?


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[Assistant] He's getting thin. Hell yea. He's single white female in me. He's gonna start wearing wrestling shirts. No sugar, no booze? Wow. No booze! Tons of booze. No sugar.


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[Assistant] I'm saying, I'm saying you lost it. You don't have the fire you had when you were down in Philly. I remember seeing you sleeping on couches, drinking, eating carbs.


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[Assistant] Dude. What a gangster. A resident hype man.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the Safe Chuck kid comes off clunky, but Wade Robson's got the rhythm, you know what I mean? That kid's gonna throw back into it probably. Seven to fourteen, you're not around for seven years. I think Safe Chuck's a little bitter because he got bounced quick. He didn't get the franchise title. I didn't like the way Safe Chuck handled it. By the way, disclaimer, none of this is cool.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying in the grand scheme. He's an absolute monster. Michael Jackson is a monster. I'm just getting into his head right now and I'm thinking how I would go. Oh, you'd go? Yeah, Robson's gonna take over. Then he got the little Dominican kid who was just... But he sued quick. He flipped for money, right? Was that the one that flipped for money? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Do you think when that Safe Chuck kid and Wade Robson got together as adults, there was still a little bit of hurt in their heart when they were trying to one-upmanship? Where he was like, yeaah, he came over and started licking my butt on the bed. He goes, I didn't really do that for anybody else. And then that Safe Chuck kid goes, yea dude, he told me that too. He goes, fuck.


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[Assistant] Or they find out that one thing is different. He said I was the best dancer he's ever seen at that age. He goes, he told me I was the best dancer. He was probably lying to you. Hey, you're not even a real dancer. I'm trained. Professional. I trained Britney Spears.


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[Assistant] A victim's dance-off? Or the estate versus the victims in a dance-off?


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[Assistant] People don't realize that with comedy. Sometimes it's, Jay, you've got a good place. You just let it fly. But sometimes you get in trouble. Now I don't get, I haven't gotten in trouble with this current one, but past ones have been like, did you?


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[Assistant] You broke my heart. What did you think I was gonna do? You hurt me and I have a microphone in front of my face. I will retaliate by any means necessary.


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[Assistant] Sorry, Jay. See, we broke Jacob's heart. But yea, uh, well, we'll get back to Michael Jackson, but this just solidifies that you need to come in when we do a pre-record of Beyond the Earth. Or Beyond the Curve. Beyond the Curve.


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[Assistant] Which is a documentary on Netflix about Flat Earthers. Flat Earthers, man. Go watch that. They are, every situation, you know, I like that my, uh,


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[Assistant] My stepfather's here. This is something very instilled in me by him.


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[Assistant] And I have a bunch of tattoos now. I like tattoos. However, his point from the get-go is smart. When I got a tattoo, he goes, mine is getting shaped.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they really are. They're like, god bless. If that's what you think, you're not gonna get into science. You're not gonna, you know what I mean? Well, it's almost my thing with the Flat Earth or two. I go, you believe there's a big conspiracy to cover up


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[Assistant] What? I take the information, if they go, you know, we've been lied to forever, the earth is flat, I'd go, okay. They go, oh, is that what I mean? So my big dream of sailing from fucking Atlantic City to fucking Los Angeles via going around the world isn't gonna happen? Well, shit. Alright.


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[Assistant] You got a birthday? You got a birthday almost a year away? Yeaah. I want one so bad. Yeaah, it's pretty ridiculous.


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[Assistant] Uhm, back to Leaving Netherland, what I wanted to bring up today was, uh, after watching this documentary, you're like, who defends Michael Jackson?


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[Assistant] Besides his family. And that turns out, it's Wendy Williams. Black Lou, you wanna speak up on this? You wanna speak up on this? Black Lou already got rid of MJ. He said he's done with him.


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[Assistant] There was. Yeah, no for sure. Great song. Back to Wendy Williams. Now he's got no money. Yeah, I got arrested today. We'll get to R. Kelly. One pedophile at a time.


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[Assistant] This is my favorite part. This is my favorite part. Fucking go back two seconds, cause this is bat shit crazy. Joe Jackson is a piece of shit. A like certifiable hunk of garbage. And watch what she says. This is nuts. This is nuts.


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[Assistant] Pause it. What the fuck? He did the best he could? He abused those kids? I doubt it. That's top shelf abuse.


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[Assistant] He goes, man, I wish I walked through a mall and I'm like, I just wish I was Michael. I gotta take, I had to get a van. I had to make up some lies. He goes, I had to create aliens and then give them pills to fall asleep and say that we were a captive. If you were getting a captive sex slave child to Marlon Jackson,


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[Assistant] And then you find out he's Marlon Jackson. At night time when you go to bed in your weird cave he puts you in, would a party still go?


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[Assistant] I mean, I would trade all this if I was just getting listed by Michael Jackson. It'd be so much better. Oh yeah, you wanna fuck up? Yeah, you get, you get fuckin', you get abducted in plain sight by the wrong Jackson. Yeah, you go, I got Tito'd. You're like, oh man. Oh man, that sucks. He goes, did you get to see Neverland? No. He's not even allowed to go. You know where we live? Torrance.


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[Assistant] Joe Jackson. When Joe Jackson died, he was always going through a really windy tunnel. He had like that fucking-


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was great. The cop? But, what we were doing outside, I wanna say what we were saying outside was that Wade Robson is the guy allegedly


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[Assistant] Banged Britney Spears, which broke up Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, and then Justin Timberlake made the Cry Me A River song.


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[Assistant] And all we were doing outside was making, if he subtly made the Cry Me River lyrics just about making fun of Wade Robson getting boofed by Michael Jackson. And all of it was like, if Justin Timberlake was like, new, and he's like, you wanna fuck my girl, huh? I just heard that you got fucked by the prince of the king of pop. And then you came on his stomach.


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[Assistant] If Trish sat me down and did one of those speeches where she grabbed both of my young shoulders and she went, Dan, Dad's gone. We can make up for it. You're not going to have to have sex with your bum.


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[Assistant] Kiss a guy. Kiss a guy you love. You know when you go outside, you know when you go out back and you see the back brick wall is broke down from a drunk driver? We wouldn't have to see that anymore.


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[Assistant] You just gotta suck an adult sized penis. You just have to make love. To a guy you really care about.


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[Assistant] She said Michael Jackson's mom's not well. She doesn't need to hear this.


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[Assistant] That's interesting because in Latoya Jackson's thing that she said she was forced into or whatever, she claimed the mom was well aware, which I said it makes the whole family like, uh, complicit and just garbage.


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[Assistant] Just bad people. Gary, Indiana, heard it ain't a great place. No. I've not heard good


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[Assistant] Wow! In that shed, that's where they created all that. I said for sure yes, but now I don't know, or it's moving a little bit slow, but does this end his legacy? I mean, is it distr- He's definitely- Does Raider not play anymore? It might be a mortal wound. Buddy, when I was in the airport last night, uh, in LAX, in the JetBlue Terminal 5,


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[Assistant] Uh, one of the bars up there just has like, you know, it's like a Nirvana picture. And one of them, I mean, prominent in the front of the place is Michael Jackson Bad.


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[Assistant] I know it's Terminal, you're talking about Terminal... Five. Yeah, for the Delta.


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[Assistant] Yes. At L.A.X. Yeaah. They have a Michael Jackson, yeaah. It's a big old album, uh, album covers.


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[Assistant] And it's a big old Michael Jackson bad, and I'm like, man, do you have to like...


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[Assistant] Listen, we played human nature on the show yesterday, coming back, and I-


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[Assistant] Hey, this is Dan Soder and Big Jay Okerson from The Bonfire on Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM95. Come back next Thursday for a new episode of The Bonfire. You said The Bonfire a lot.


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[Assistant] Well, let's see. Okay. Let's get some audio so I can hear it.


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[Assistant] You're a fucking dumb old bat. Get right here. Oh man. Oh, this might get me boys.


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[Assistant] This baby is definitely allergic to not breathing.


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[Assistant] I don't think I would give it to him, but I did enjoy it and he is sexy. 64.


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[Assistant] I open up the envelope, I see the check, and oh my gosh, like my heart sunk and I couldn't believe the number I was looking at.


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[Assistant] Why do you guys not bring us Wawa more often? Amy and Ryan gave me apple fritters for the first time. Mhm. And I went to my local Wawa late night, trying to get some, and the dude laughed in my fucking face. For real? Why? He was like, you gotta get here early for those. What? You're never gonna get them, you come this late.


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[Assistant] I mean, the day I got my peronies, I was just driving home, regular day at work, I was, you know, stuck in traffic on 76, just daydreaming, thinking about Keith Primo, scoring on a Pico Powerplay for a case of tasty cakes, nothing unusual. I'm listening to Bonfire, I hear them, they're talking about


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[Assistant] This dude named Roman Palumbo, so I googled him, checked him out, and uh, turns out he was pretty hot, and I didn't know I had those types of feelings.


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[Assistant] So I started getting a boner and before this I wasn't too religious but my one uncle Steve told me that if I ever turned gay he would come down from heaven and bend my dick and


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[Assistant] Bent under the pressure of my car hearts right against my dungarees. It bent so hard that now I got peronies. And now I can't even go down to a wall walk because all the guys know about it. They make fun of me. Every time I order a hoagie, they just give me a bent hoagie.


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[Assistant] I say, yeah, will you toast my hoag? They're like, nah, we'll give you a bent hoagie, you fucking weirdo. Get out of here with your gay peronies. So yeah, peronies isn't fun. It's not a joke.


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[Assistant] There, there's a video right there, access.web.


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[Assistant] I've never met the guy. I heard one bad story about him. My friend Justin Smith, you know him, he's a bad dude. And he went, uh.


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[Assistant] He was smoking cigars, and Drew was there, I guess, with his mom, so Justin walked over, he goes, hey, I'm a comic, how are ya? And he talked to Drew, and they were working different clubs in the same city, and then Drew's mother came up, and she's like,


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[Assistant] Okay, thank you, and wave Justin Smith away. Really? Yeah. His mom? His mom, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, their twitter bio. Yeaah, pay them there, NBC's pay them there. This was a whole show in Toronto at Comedy Bar, and it had all the trans people listed. Someone sent it to me, so I post this joke, I put it up, then the lead tranny person in Toronto, uh, head trans? Yeaah, the head trans.


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[Assistant] And I was like, you're on a fucking flyer, you dumb hee shee. That's what I'm thinking. But then I was like, oh shit, I don't want it. So I crossed the names out, kept the joke up and they're like, you still take this down. And I go, fuck you. I live in America with this freedom of speech. I'm going to leave it up. Go write a sketch or fucking do some improv until you get tired. And then, uh,


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[Assistant] This is breaking my heart now, and I was making fun of it 30 seconds ago, and now I feel horrible. Why? Cause I wanna fuck her.


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[Assistant] Don't act like you wouldn't. Yeah. She is cute. Like if you were single.


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[Assistant] I, uh, I slept with a girl with cerebral palsy a few years ago and, uh,


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[Assistant] This is for the troops. This is for the troops.


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[Assistant] Whoo, that sucked dick! No chaser! Whoo!


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[Assistant] Oh, that's tequila. That smells good. He wants it warm. If I had to do a shot, I'd do that. What's that one?


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[Assistant] And they don't police that room. So I grabbed the mic stand and I said, say one more fucking thing. I got real angry and my testosterone was high. And I go, I bet you just shut your ass.


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[Assistant] That happened to me and my wife locked herself out of the house. Really? Yea. How long?


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[Assistant] I didn't watch last week's episode and I religiously watched that show. Me too. I love that show. Well, I missed, I've only seen the first two of this season. J-Well's going through a divorce. I know that. They were at the Dude Ranch, the last one I saw, and Sitch is getting ready to go away to jail.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Oh good for you dude. Great chick. Yeah, you fucked a lot of people.


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[Assistant] He said, I said, I was making a show, so I go, how many are left? And he goes, two more than you, if you want.


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[Assistant] I wish the homeless guy nailed it. Cowboy bebop, yo! Is that what it is? Yeah. What?


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[Assistant] It's because you were paying for all those votes, and you don't think you were going to be hard.


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[Assistant] It's gonna be in January and be like, why is Alex outside for the show?


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[Assistant] What? Would you be willing to take a lie detector test next week?


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[Assistant] Did he do a real ass thing and just walk through the rules? Yes.


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[Assistant] That was one of the first things that we did.


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[Assistant] Those are what's up. I just like watching.


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[Assistant] Coming from Mechanicsburg. Too hot for Patreon. He's the Bull of Bulls. The man who will be standing in the presidency if Ari Shafir goes missing. Blame Louis J. Gomez. Welcome Shane Gillis!


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[Assistant] Yeah, that could be your little kiss goodbye. When are you fighting him?


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[Assistant] Uh, one of the ways that Bundy escaped was really interesting. He, uhm,


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[Assistant] He would practice day after day for months and they were like, like all the prison guards were like, yeah, he's, uh, working out or whatever.


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[Assistant] When Harvey has something I'm interested in, I'll bring him on the show.


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[Assistant] Don't worry about that, Joe.


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[Assistant] I, uh, I just had some questions laying around that I think I can work them into the debate here.


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[Assistant] I'd like to start with Mr. Gillis. Shane, after all the deceit he has displayed, why would you ever trust


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[Assistant] This question is for the entire group of vice presidents. What do you all plan on doing if it turns out your president is a racist? This is a trick question, he definitely is. GO!


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[Assistant] Zach, this next question is just for you. Are you worried? Are you as worried? Yes. Hold on. Are you as worried as the rest of us?


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[Assistant] That if you do get elected, you will die before your term is up.


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[Assistant] Louis, for as long as I've known Jay, he's been what I refer to as a lazy fuck.


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[Assistant] What will you do to cover his duties if he is elected as your vice president?


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[Assistant] That was really nice. That's how you do it.


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[Assistant] I was never in, bro. Alright.


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[Assistant] Uh, this is a question for the table. Are all of you appropriately embarrassed of your whiteness to hold political office?


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[Assistant] But you in fact have proven me wrong that a Puerto Rican could be a white supremacist. Time and time again.


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[Assistant] I'll allow it. You'll allow it. Shane, your podcast comics and firings from major television shows speak for themselves.


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[Assistant] There's a question for y- for you. Yes. You got this buddy. Lewis! Yo, you got this Lewis.


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[Assistant] Okay, alright, that's a good attitude, dude. That's the same attitude that got Clint in office, man. Walking around with swag.


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[Assistant] Everybody, it's the Legion of Skaggs podcast. We are coming to you from the quarantine. I'm your host, Big Jay Okerson over here in East Village, uh, all the way over there in Jersey Shore, the Jersey Shore line.


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[Assistant] It's uh, Davy Smith. What's up buddy? I love those bookcases, floating bookcases, I love them. Uh, Dave's reading the decor these days and I appreciate that about him.


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[Assistant] Uh, all the way up in Harlem, it's the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake, the Ellis Mania, Champ Lewis, Jay Gomez. Thank you.


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[Assistant] You got all the Pumas. Uh, joining us on tonight's show, everybody, you know him and you, by later, this is the whole show. Uh, you know him and you love him, everybody, from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Everybody, The Young Bull, Shane Gillis is on the show. Yes. What's up, bro? I know.


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[Assistant] Guys, I was on the AP Wire this morning and it came across a list of racist comedians. That's just it.


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[Assistant] But he's already right. What's the N word? Nerudo?


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[Assistant] It is remarkable in that you are a Puerto Rican whose claims he is racist, uh, and yells white power. That is a remarkable racist.


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[Assistant] If there was a white supremacist rally dude and just like a march, like an organized march and people saw you, there'd be a lot of elbows on the sidelines and people going like, I don't think that dude's white.


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[Assistant] No, not at all. I don't think that guy's filming himself pennyboarding through the parade is white.


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[Assistant] Is it Ricky M. Sofors, some sort of ethnic something?


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[Assistant] That's a big li- that's good. Julien. So I believe it's just like a book or like a ticket sales guy.


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[Assistant] I, Barry Ribs is one that threw me, Bob Levy, I'm not sure why, I don't get, why?


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[Assistant] But I haven't heard that Julie and Saul is just lighting up the chat rooms with.


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[Assistant] Racial banter. I don't know who these people are. Danny Costanzo. Yea, they all very, they do have very, very ethnic names. Well here's my problem.


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[Assistant] Well hang on a second, before we go away from that list, I wish there was some sort of explanation next to each person. It's just a list with no...


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[Assistant] That you're a racist rather than someone making jokes about things?


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[Assistant] Did Aaron just do that right now? Like recently did Harambee doing Black Lives Matter?


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[Assistant] Oh, it's, oh, it's like an Ulther, but it's not doing with this situation. No, no, no, no curfew for, okay. That is heavy turnover.


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[Assistant] That's to be on the list. Yeah, it's a decent I mean the P of the people I know it's a solid list.


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[Assistant] And he just saw a gathering of Ehrenberg, let's start with the Dave Smiths for argument's sake, and uh, you know, the blah blah blahs else in there, the guy from the...


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wish it was 97 names, that'd be fucking great. Emo Phillips, racist. Paula Poundstone, fucking major racist. Rita Rudner, not fond of the blacks.


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[Assistant] Is it true that you were selling orange sodas for $7 a bottle?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'd like to see you raising black babies. You fucking all that talk. Where's your fight? Where you digging in? Where you putting in and helping?


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[Assistant] I like that you went down to the march and in typical teenage white girl fashion took a selfie there to let everybody know you're down there. I don't even mean to feel like this, but.


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[Assistant] Cops down here beating down. Cops down here beating down, man. These guys are ready to start marching. They're ready to start marching with the groups. Oh, really?


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, they feel, I mean, at least, I mean, again, the ones I've talked with, there's, there is a bizarre amount of Legion of Skanks fans, police officers on this block right now. Of course, a very bizarre amount. And, uh, and but they're watching McCall, but they, uh, they fucking.


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[Assistant] They think this, you know, they're not, they're not, uh, happy about what happened or what's happening because of it.


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[Assistant] Lewis does love a good champ, but yeaah, this probably isn't your game. It's probably not your chance to run.


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[Assistant] I like in Seattle you could just do that. In Seattle you could just put electrical tape over your badge and it's legal, they just said.


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[Assistant] Did you try, did he even try like a, hey officer, can I see your badge please? Your number's coming up.


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[Assistant] I went to a restaurant the first time in three months. What kind of restaurant was it? An outdoor cafe?


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[Assistant] We need to spray paint a wall up there and tell the man what's up.


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[Assistant] If you want any Olympic pre-trial sporting event.


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[Assistant] He said it literally the worst time possible. Yeah, I agree too, but I'm saying if I like, uh, if I'm not mistaken, the comment was like, he doesn't get behind disrespected. Yeah, that was the thing. If you now. What's the comment?


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[Assistant] He's a living legend quarterback, uh, in what they call American football, Louis.


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[Assistant] Covenant tree climbing races. There's a little iteration. It was, it was almost the perfect joke.


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[Assistant] I know that. I won't ask Dave if he knows alliterations. Look at all those books. Of course he does.


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[Assistant] What's on that list, dude? He was on neuters.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my name is Moad, which I just weirdly heard today for some reason.


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[Assistant] A five string bass. I get what you're saying, but no.


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[Assistant] I know you were trying to fucking DJ them together Bobby, I caught that, but it was not working.


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[Assistant] Producer Bobby. Bobby was trying to fade over.


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[Assistant] All we can do is we couldn't hear any of it. They'll demonetize you. We're not monetized anyway. Go play the rest of the girl. Oh yea, who cares.


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[Assistant] I don't say hateful things, James. When we're walking by blacks all the time, and Jews, and I say nothing, right? Good Dad.


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[Assistant] My thought is an interesting thing. By the way, she also, uh, congratulations to her on the show here. She graduated high school today. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] It's hilarious. You have your whole life ahead of you now. Pick your road and stay on the journey. I mean, literally, it's essentially that. But it's so funny, my daughter is


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[Assistant] Definitely like gonna be probably just naturally more PC than me and much more like, uh,


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[Assistant] She gets the, what jokes are also, do you know what I mean? Like that's a, that's a hard thing that's, uh, not taught. And so you get a bunch of people out there like,


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[Assistant] My daughter definitely wants to go like to the rallies and stuff like that. Yeaah. My daughter wants to go to like the rallies and stuff again in her mind. You know what I mean? Like she wants to be a part of those fucking things, but she's not thrown by like, uh, humor. You know what I mean? She's not like so serious.


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[Assistant] They do, like they, they're, they're, it's a, it's a different thing, but it is interesting, like so that you can find that, uh, that middle ground somewhere.


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[Assistant] Then you have that fucking, that antifa guy that went over and screamed in that cop's face, as soon as he wakes up every day, he never wakes up and rolls over and goes,


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[Assistant] The other guy like that. That's such a fucking debilitating thing.


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[Assistant] Why all that? It's like you're dead. She's, she's like, if you're realizing enough to record him doing this, why don't you realize enough to be, it's like your dad's thinking old shit. It's like you get fucking.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I tell you, look, I tell you a funny thing too. The way my semi apartment building is it's I'm on the police station block, so it's gated on either side. There's cops lined up all along it like all day and night now.


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[Assistant] And they have to let you on and off the block. And it's just like, uh, it's so fucking.


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[Assistant] Like when the people go by, when the marches go by, to be on the inside of it with the cops looking out, you're like, yep, just keep out there, everything's fine.


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[Assistant] You can't not, you can't not watch an absurd, cause you're watching to really be like, you know, when it was peaceful and stuff too, there was like, oh man, that's fucking like good for them and good for the cops. Not the cops at least. I saw like flipping out when they were just, I mean, getting cursed at in their face and shit by the people walking by and yelling all kinds of awful shit. They just eat it.


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[Assistant] Like, having that perspective on it, when they go by, it's like, I'm on the side of the, like, the physical side of the police. So as they go by, you're just like, oh man, I don't look that cool to those people at all. It looks like I'm like, I'm not getting involved in that shit. Keep them away. I mean, March, March, whatever you want to say, say it, but I mean, keep it moving, would ya?


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[Assistant] You look like John Goodman in Big Lebowski.


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[Assistant] You should have a khaki colored vest with lots of pockets on it.


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[Assistant] Are you dating Kyle still? She's like, no, I don't date Kyle because Kyle is a misogynist and he believes in the patriarchy. Now here's my problem.


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[Assistant] When he, whatchamacallit, when he, uh, went on his show, what did he say?


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[Assistant] That is prolific fucking Nazi whistle blowing right there, my friends.


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[Assistant] The devil wrote a song for Immortal Technique. It sounds like an Insane Clown Pussy band. One of their bands. Diabolic.


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[Assistant] It sounds like what, it sounds like a, yeah, like a solo rapper on their label.


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[Assistant] Well, it says everybody else where I sat there when I was on a fucking island like a jerk off. The coconuts? The coconuts was great, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, how about slow the conveyor belt down? There's other ways to handle it. You don't have to keep eating them.


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[Assistant] You wanna tailgate and get jacked up for a fucking riot, buddy? Watch an episode of Cops or Live PD. See it happen in action.


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[Assistant] Bigjaycomedy.com for all my dates. I have, if you are listening, uh, the 18th to the 20th of June, I am going to be in Indianapolis at Helium. It's happening for sure.


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[Assistant] Uh, at this point, I should say, but it is for sure happening. Uh, Indianapolis Helium, and some other dates that I...


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[Assistant] We're looking to see, I think they want to keep, uh, Miami, Kansas City. So make sure you go to bigjcomedy.com and check out all those dates. Uh, also my special.


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[Assistant] Live at Webster Hall is gonna be free on YouTube, I believe next week. I'll be announcing it on all my social media so you can check that out. And, uh, besides that...


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[Assistant] Listen to SDR Show, listen to Bonfire, listen to Sixth and Jump, the new podcast, me, Ari Shaffir.


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[Assistant] And uh, Soder are doing about uh, show 21 Jump Street. Taking it episode by episode.


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[Assistant] I'm looking at where I took Afrin.


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[Assistant] The rest of us are all pretty ugly, don't get that idea at all. Dave's an elitist, and a racist, but they haven't put out the elite list yet. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yes, these are the ugliest, uh, of the ugly. And I'd like to keep in mind that we are, there is no...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, really. He's a Davey Fett shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this guy, I'm telling you, you throw some fake, uh, some fake chompers in this guy.


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[Assistant] The problem dude is you're trying to live in society with people, dude.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you what man, I'll tell you what, I watched Dr. Pimple Popper enough that I think Job's, uh, what's his name? His name is Job.


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[Assistant] Rashes, blisters, pus, open sores and scaling.


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[Assistant] He looks like, can you bring up a picture of the current mask of the lead singer of Slipknot? He looks like that.


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[Assistant] Justin fucking rules. Just looks like Chester Bennington compared to fucking Tyler Keenan. Tyler Keenan like, I thought Tyler got.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's a ugly Alex was a bit ugly. Next guy, next guy.


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[Assistant] As president, he knew that I would understand him. I understand what that guy, he didn't have to say it all. He's just showing you like, look, I'm young. I look like this.


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[Assistant] Whoever put this list out really should have just completely flipped the presentation.


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[Assistant] The bride deserves nothing. He can make his way in the world. He's got an Indian background, which is some sort of inborn computer skills. He's going to find his way. The first two are having long term issues that I don't know are solvable. All right, let's go back and listen, Joe.


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[Assistant] He's a year away from trying to pork his daughter's friends, dude. A year away. That guy's actually about to live the dream.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do my vote. We'll do our votes. We'll round the show up, uh, proper.


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[Assistant] No, no, I was also prepared to do this podcast three hours before we did it.


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[Assistant] He's 26 and a half G mic saying, is that true? Like that's a fact mic?


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[Assistant] No. Who said a half? Oh, he said no as a joke.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I should have read that funnier. It's my fault.


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[Assistant] Oh, it's hilarious. I thought we were giving the other guy money.


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[Assistant] Look at that. That's right. Chris in the chat also says he could just go buy some, some of those wax candy teeth and just say fuck it and pocket the rest of the cash. There are ways to play it. There are several ways to play it.


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[Assistant] Uh, the future of this podcast, uh, is going to be completely intact. No problems when, uh, I am the president of Legion of Skanks. Please, when you're in that ballot box, remember, Okers and Gomez 2020.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna stab you with a pen. I'm gonna stab you with this pen.


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[Assistant] I don't know. He's gotta knock this around a little bit, you know what I mean? Let me think about this. No.


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[Assistant] Giles has been making a whole bunch of hullabaloo about he couldn't possibly run against me and be my vice president, and maybe he's right. And I'm telling you, I was just worried about your schedule, but if you would be so humble as to come and join me in this race to dominance in the Legion of Skanks, I would say Okers to Giles 2020 sounds pretty good to me, my friend.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Shane, I love you, buddy. All right, you heard me. Big announcement. Big announcement. You know what?


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[Assistant] In studio everybody, very exciting. In studio, it's gonna feel, uh,


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[Assistant] Like the good old days again everyone. We love you guys. Catch you next week on Legion Stacks. Peace.


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[Assistant] Dude, I love, I had a guy gave me on Thursday in Harrisburg gave me a ride to the strip club and then I let him sleep at my parents house.


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[Assistant] Did you know simply as Ray from Pittsburgh? Ray from Pittsburgh would never do that, dude. You guys all know Ray from Pittsburgh, right? I've known Ray from Pittsburgh for...


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[Assistant] What was her price? Uh, she went, she refused. And then I was blacked out. And then Beezer gave me an Adderall.


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[Assistant] Anyway, me and my friend get in there, there's just like three fat strippers sitting underneath a smoke alarm, chain smoking, the thing is going off non-stop. The alarm's going off, and they're sitting underneath it, and they, no, they wave it, they can't figure it out.


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[Assistant] I've never seen anything like it. Take the battery out you morons. There's literally three of them and then me and my friend walk in and we sit down, we're the only ones in the room, and uh...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and I was very nice to you and I was like, that was a good throw. Truthfully? Truthfully? Now that we're here and we're being honest?


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[Assistant] Hold on. In. Hold on. Little. No, no, no. Let him do this.


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[Assistant] Shannon doesn't give me the same vibes as a normal person with fake tits.


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[Assistant] You're homosexual. It's just cause he's, he's black. I didn't, you know, I didn't pick up on it.


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[Assistant] Bodyguards are literally, dude, this guy was a bouncer at the first bar Richard Pryor started at. Yes. That's who every bodyguard is. This guy's a moron.


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[Assistant] I was there, they were talking shit to me about you. Nothing. Wow. Wow.


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[Assistant] Real starving. Anyway dude, I can't believe they were saying that about you.


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[Assistant] No, I don't care. It's not gonna be good. It's just gonna be me being, this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna be like, Shane, and then have like a cool pun about me being fat, and then I'm gonna just be like, retarded. I'm just gonna be mad at you. I'm just gonna say the meanest thing I can. Like not even in joke form.


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[Assistant] I'll get drunk, I won't make jokes, it'll just be like...


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[Assistant] There's an off chance you win, and I don't need that at all.


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[Assistant] But, uh, the moment, the moment after must have just been, uuuh.


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[Assistant] And you are, you just disgust me bro. Don't even mention it.


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[Assistant] I saw a video of four midgets racing a camel last night. What?


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[Assistant] Oh man, that guy's off dude, that camel better get going.


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[Assistant] I went to, uh, it was the fucking best. And Jay, there was a place like this near your place in Queens, I don't remember the name of it, but I went to like an Italian sandwich shop today because my movers, my white movers moved me into my place today.


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[Assistant] Yes, that's it. That's all we got. And it's fucking, it was just great. Just like a straight up. It felt like a, you know,


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[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you right now, you grow to a place where you want to be amongst, at the very least, a whiter, uhm, mix.


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[Assistant] I don't mind gentrification, but here's the thing, and I'll tell you why. Look, in my neighborhood, I was in Harlem, okay, in my neighborhood, it would be like,


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[Assistant] I'd say 70% black people then like 25% like white and Hispanic, 5% other, right?


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[Assistant] But because those white people were all mixed in, I felt safe. Because if the black people were gonna attack any of the people, they were gonna attack the white people. They weren't attacking me.


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[Assistant] The enemies all exist online. So they're still there. As long as you got a fast...


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[Assistant] Ryan O'Neil is a punk bitch. Can I point out the fact that he's been talking shit on his podcast on behalf of Jason Ellis? No. It's just been him and Danish being like, do you-


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, but we do have our vice presidents here. So... Yes, we do. Why don't we bring them out?


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[Assistant] My sister didn't, we were having a real conversation and she, like she was talking about actual politics and I started taping her at the ass end of it because she had no idea that I was even taping. She's taking this election more seriously than anybody.


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[Assistant] This is my sister. Who does she support? Uh, she supports you, Big Jay. Aww. Mostly she supports not Lewis.


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[Assistant] I want to point out the insecurity of Big Jay Okerson just now. He was genuinely hurt by his family supporting Big Jay, or Ari, and he needed to somehow take that dig and make sure that it was known that they were coerced into being funny, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they called me, they're like, you have to make them leave. I was like, no, you have a bouncer and staff members. He was like, no, you gotta do it. We can't. And I was like, why would I have to do it?


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[Assistant] has been crazy about this. So Peanut from 311 couldn't- Also, I love how our staff tried to start their own applause break. They tried to start their own applause break and nobody joined in.


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[Assistant] I think I also agree that Jay does suck the most dick period in life and on the show, but I think that uh, Jay, it was- I'm right here.


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[Assistant] Jay, Jay was doing really, really good. But, oh, thank you very much. But he, uh, the way he got house last week, that's not the way a president acts. A president doesn't get fucking beat up and almost cry on camera. So.


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[Assistant] It's so funny cause, uh, Jamie Jasa ended up getting, uh, the original guitarist from Korn, Head, uh, to endorse me and he tweeted it. And then I tweeted it and I tagged Jay. I was like, look, everyone Korn is endorsing me. And then Jay called me up. And I think in almost seriousness, he'd be like, hey dude, Head's not even in Korn.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you right now, so I was talking about the deli, I got, a week before I left New York City, I was kicked out of my, uh, not kicked out, I almost


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[Assistant] Okay, so here's the thing, alright. In Harlem, this is the way it works. There's an Arab guy behind the counter. A-rab.


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[Assistant] Exactly. So I say, let me get two vanilla duchess, and then he goes, uh, that's 350.


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[Assistant] No. Alright, so you know, on top of the counter, they have like, uhm, you really gotta be in the hood to understand this. I don't think it's in any other bodegas, but it's like a clear plastic case that has a bunch of different candies in it.


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[Assistant] So here's the deal, uh, we've been doing this amazing thing, we've been on this fucking, it's been great, and I think that people really love when we do like bits like this on the show, we've done things like the internal Olympics in the past, we've done a lot of fun things, right? Uhm, which literally, that's why Alex is here right now, that's why Gay Mike is here right now, it's like we have people that have jobs now because of it. Yeah, they don't all work.


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[Assistant] One of our, one of our, uh, I would say most controversial bits and contests that we've done on the show, we skipped this past March. We usually do it every March. March Madness. No, it's not March Madness.


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[Assistant] It is officially presented by Cushy Dreams. Shout out to Cushy Dreams for sponsoring this entire thing. Brand new format.


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[Assistant] Uh, here's the deal, guys. It's gonna be the entire month of September. Brand new format. $2,000 first place prize, guys. Give it up for Pushy Dreams.


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[Assistant] Country and folk. What a shitty category. What about fusion?


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[Assistant] We'll start at the second week of September, so what date do they have to send in and buy? Give me a date, guys. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah guys, please send in your music with the way it works. You have to send in what? Four songs, a band bio, a picture, maybe a little blurb about yourself. L-O-S-B-O-T-B-A-B at gmail.com. That's L-O-S-B-O-T.


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[Assistant] I don't know, dude. Look, if I win, I'll tell you right now, I will take the show to the next level. Okay? How?


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[Assistant] Hello, check, check, check. $100, David's putting it on the line.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, real quick, yeah, check out the other pods on the network. Go to gasdigitalnetwork.com. Use the promo code LOS to get access to the entire On Demand library. Uhm, the OnlyFans. Check out the OnlyFans. OnlyFans.com slash Legion of Skanks. That really sucks. No, it's great. It's an extra 30 minutes of Legion of Skanks.


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[Assistant] Alright, we're gonna go with the finals right now. Rob, how are you doing? Are you announcing the third runner up or are you announcing the winner?


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[Assistant] Uh, the last time I went was during the daytime, but it was like on, like it hadn't even opened yet. Like it was still like, I walked in and it was the bright light.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then I tried to go to one for my bachelor party in Miami. There's one that's supposed to be like one of the best strip clubs in the country. And we got there and they were like, uh, you need to have, you need to come in with four other women if you want to come in here. And I was like, oh, but this is, I'm paying you to see the women. Why would I bring


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[Assistant] I've been here for years. Waitress, I'm only calling you that because I don't want to say your name. Uh, can I, uh, get another Diet Coke when you get a second?


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[Assistant] A curtain or something to stop what's happening on this screen from being shown to people who just want to come in for the crab dip.


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[Assistant] And they're not. So this is right now, I'm sorry to what's happening out there.


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[Assistant] And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Dan Soder.


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[Assistant] Yeah, good lord. 49, 49, go 49ers! 49ers! Damn, you're almost 50? Holy fuck dude. Damn dude. He's old enough to be your dad.


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[Assistant] Undesirable lady. Very, it must have been a difficult, well I mean he was in fucking 8th grade. I don't have one hot tea truck.


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[Assistant] Ah, that's weird to know. I got, yeah, one of them. Really? Yeah. You're not far off on that guess. Hey!


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[Assistant] There's definitely dads doing that though. There's definitely dads that take jujitsu and then come home and they're like, eh, come here. Have a couple drinks, get your kid in a fucking


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[Assistant] I already know one more, keep going down. I'm close friends with that guy on the left.


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[Assistant] Middle chick. Eh, I think she might talk some shit on me. Not a big deal.


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[Assistant] Oh, I got another one. I know two of those. Oh, really? Yep. Alright. Oh, I mean dude. Yeah, you know that one.


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[Assistant] You're talking cheesy, Brad, bro.


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[Assistant] Cheesy bread. Now you're talking cheesy bread. But the cheese is on the top. I think Dan's on to something.


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[Assistant] No, I must have been hammered because I would have at least gone just undies. Maybe you went to undies.


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[Assistant] Well, oh, that's why, cause I was holding the towel in front of me like a fucking matador, cause I was naked behind it, and I was like, fucking with Dan, but the bottom of the towel was still on the bed, cause I was just holding up, my lower half was just out.


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[Assistant] Scroll down. You're getting RD'd. Learning from his comedy hero, Bill Cosby. And Red Skelton.


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[Assistant] What? Yea, I've been getting rid of you, every time I go home I fucking crush milk. I love milk. People criticize me for it. Jay!


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[Assistant] I think it's weird to drink like, fucking purple drink, or fucking, whatever these guys are drinking, like soda at dinner, that's crazy. Soda, to me, if it wasn't a barbecue, it was weird at dinner. Yea, that's white trash shit.


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[Assistant] He was out just fucking hanging out in that dickhead snake. He's like, come here, come here, dance with me.


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[Assistant] You get the wrong Aaron Carter, by the way, when you were saying that's how he beat Shaq. No, that's right here. That's him.


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[Assistant] What about, wait, this is not the Backstreet Boy Carter? No, Nick Carter's the Backstreet Boy. Oh wow, he grew into him. He kinda looks like him.


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[Assistant] That's Feldman's brother? It's regular Corey. Damn, he kept it together.


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[Assistant] I'm going to show her my Dr. P. I'd like to get into a hotel room with her. Get naked and take a nap. Show her my penis.