[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, did you ever play story mode in Mortal Kombat? That was just the Japanese conquest. Like just an all Asian war, there's just fucking throwing lightning bolts at each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, and plus, if there was so, okay, so if that's based off of a guy who just ran away and joined a tribe, that was probably, that tended to be a more open and peaceful tribe. They'd be like, yeah, come on in, we'll take you in. Then he could have went to like, he'd made, he had a little path in the woods. If he had made a left, they might have been like honk and cut his fucking hair off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gangs in New York, all the gangs are fighting, then the US Army comes in, just fucks them all up, and it's like, ah, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's been the way, dude, it used to be like slave, master, like that was just, that's how you would be like, you would grow shit, then people would come and take it and you'd cut their heads off for just like a mass fucking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, they need to start, that, that's a, that is a bad thing about people not knowing stuff. Cause then all they do is they watch a now this clip and it's like da-da-da-da-da-da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, it's also though, everyone has a piece of the truth, cause it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to talk to those cops, guys who were undercover drug cops, and they were like, dude, if I think someone has a gun, I'm killing them, I'm not dying, I have kids. Yeah. It's like, I don't care, I'd rather kill someone and walk away. Yeah. They're like, dude, if you did, if you did my job, you'd do the same fucking thing. And it's fucked up. It is, it's terrible. It's like, it's horrible, but at the same time, it's like, when they do the same shit, it's like, they're just walking around, they're predators, it's like, dude, cops don't even like doing paperwork, they're not just shooting people really hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's so fucking weird to me. Plus it is like, and then there, it's like no one, and that's the, that's the hot button issue and it's like, cause then you, like you said, they'll be like, what about the black on black crime? And they'll be like, well that's none of your business. And it's like, but if you're a cop and you just saw like a fucking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twelve year old girl gets shot in the head by a stray bullet, and now you're walking in the same neighborhood, you're fucking like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking dismal, and some of them get like real disillusionment like, well fuck this whole place and it's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's just no easy solution. If you, if you literally make a little tiny four second clip and think you nailed the hit, if you like figured out the fucking crime in the hood and cops and police brutality, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rap is very fucked up. Rap is bad. So if you have a thing that's, you know, factually, there's more homes with, like, there's less fathers per capita. Yea. And then there's where's the father figure. You listen to fucking Chief Keef, and that's where you're downloading all your info from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that and the whole thing with like, I don't know, I don't understand it, but the section, there was like a section 8 thing where like, you, it was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would, it was cost effective not to get married. Cause if you were a single mom, your section 8 housing would get like approved. I don't understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, if you didn't have, there's something about the living situation, you can get government housing, but if you had a husband, it fucks up your ability to get that. You know why we also have, you get money per kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how you get tax credits? Yea. That was Teddy Roosevelt. He wanted white people to have more kids, so he didn't get like our race to get like washed out. So he started giving money out to have kids. Talk about your all time backfires, Ted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, the more you, the more you really like learn about this shit dude, it's like whenever, all that conspiracy stuff goes out the window. Yea, learn history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, I mean yeaah, there's people in there, you know, the Rothschilds and shit, but most of it, it's like, you're the 1% for a while, you get butted out and no one's in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were talking about the one where he has the guy, uh, he has a survivor and so he like thinks the guy's talking about the holocaust and he brings a person from the show survivor and then the holocaust survivor and they're talking about like what was harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plus, there's a lot of people who don't want to see it coming to a resolution. They just love getting fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not comparable to like, when they try to be like, if they try to, and a lot of black people hate this, when gay people try to compare themselves to black people and they're like, dude, you know nothing of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they used to, people used to own your kids and sell them. But that's bad. But they're not like stealing gay people and making them fucking like decorate their fucking house. That is not, I mean it's not the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's the other thing now, a lot of, so a lot of the, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, dude, it's weird, a lot of the- what I've noticed is a lot of the hard, like, yuhuru and heavy Black Lives Matter are like, yeah, I'm anti-Semitic, here's why. Oh. Dude, so like- Who's yuhuru? It's like, uh, I don't even know what it is, it's like this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it was around before Black Lives Matter, and they own, they have a lot of like, uhm, like thrift shops, and it's like a, it's like a political grassroots movement. Yuhuru? Yeah, U-H-U-R-U.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's not, it's like political community organizers who I know like do money through like the heavy markets and shit. And I don't know what it is. I couldn't, I couldn't talk about it enough. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a small political movement. You know, it would have been like the NRA if it was just like no guns and just like super pro-black. It's like a political group that's dug in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one guy who is like speaking on behalf of them is like, makes these videos. I gotta show you the guy's things, dude. Is that BlackHaler? BlackHaler. Oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true too. They'll be like, share this, it's like, that guy's a fucking moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know for a fact that, so I know someone who was working for the police, and they had to investigate what happened. That guy was using uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I've heard, I've like, I've heard a bunch of them and read articles and verified that like, dude, there's been, again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's another thing. There's people who I know are black and like, dude, I've definitely been called the N word like five times since Trump got elected. I didn't, that didn't happen before. But then there's a bunch of, I've heard that from a couple of people, but then there's been a bunch of those things where like schwa stick is coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You always throw in the schwa. But yea dude, there was, there was a ton of times where they got caught like, just drawing, maybe being like a 40 year old black dude and spray painted a schwa sticker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, no, no, that was some, I think we looked into that and that was a, a kid did that. No, no, I think we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're still testing out their missiles dude. They buy all their missiles from where the roadrunner buys their shit from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it's gonna be good. Get out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. Oh, I'm a big fan of dancing. Now we're saying he doesn't like dancing. No, I'm wildly uncomfortable with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I take that pressure away from myself, I just fucking move, like I just, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get people, they laugh like at the Tourette's, which like, I agree with, like I think it's funny, uh, but I like to give them permission first, you know what I mean? Like if I meet somebody right off the bat and they're like, oh that's, and they like are laughing because I'm just shaking and twitching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Nah, I mean, maybe? I thought you were like the old school, like, dibbuck chaser? Shit! They don't have, like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uh, relatives were the Russian for Grums. That was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My relatives were pogroms in Russia as opposed to Holocaust. That's why they came to America. So the story goes, uh, great grandfather and his brother, uh, went out fishing and from like the small Jewish village and when they got back, uh, everything was on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's been, uh, both, but it's not, um, it's never happened in public, which is cool. Like, uh, it's only been, uh, I'd say less than 10 times. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, only two years of the severe type, and then, uh, most of my life I've had like kind of like a milder, uh, like Twitch. Shit. God damn dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? No yea, it doesn't, I can't do it on command. That's what I mean. I do have the OCD like with it also though. So some of them are OCD. If they happen where it's just like SHIT!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, actually that was, that was a Tourette's and like that's a good example of one that I didn't see coming. Uhm, that's like pure Tourette's in like my mind. Oh, I gotcha. Hup! But if it's more like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's one that I can, I feel like I can hold pretty well, or if it's like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to think, like sometimes I can, like I feel the sensation a little bit before it happens and I can, and I think those are more OCD. They're like, I really want to fucking do it. It feels good to let it out basically. Yeah, that makes sense. It's like, it's like holding your eyes open. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely like a character he does for the show and I think people don't like the character's perspective. And I agree with that pretty often. Like I'm not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I, but so, like, uh, I dunno, you say like the male feminist thing, I know like your angle is definitely like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the angle I'm going for either though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They make, uh, they make some games easier. Because they're so hard. Like, uh, like Mario Kart. If the AI, like, if they just played perfectly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would fucking crush you every time. So how do they do that? They dumb it down on purpose. So they like make them, like if you played, if you played chess against the computer, if you play it on like hard, it's going to win every time. So they make mistakes on purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's lookin', lookin' at me in the eyes. It's a weird fuckin' punch. Fuckin' eh. Fuck yeah. No, yeah, actually I like it. It's like a, I dunno. What, Facebook? Uh, I was gonna say kinda like the open mic vibe these days is like, uh, I'm gonna say more inclusive, uh, and I do, I do genuinely like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I, uh, I don't think I could. It's wild, dude. Yeah, that's such an intense question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta think about it. I don't do it when I'm, uh, asleep either. Or actually, you know, I take that back. Uhm, I had a, I had a friend, I was like with a group of friends and like I fell asleep, uh, and they were like, you're very, like you don't Tourette's in your sleep. Then another time, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my whole thing is that- Get into the statistics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I saw, I listened, well I didn't see, I listened to the, uh, the trans one. Yeaah. That was, I thought that was great. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'd say, no, I came, uh, I came out as like bisexual in high school, uh, and then I like immediately was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, I, ah, nah, cause at the time, I just kinda like, I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I expected people to be like, hell yeaah, but I was more like, trying to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess that is your sexuality though. Like if you have that base like, instinctual like, uh, rejection of a certain body type. You know what I mean? Like I think that's like, like straight men literally have like that gut, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like a, like a power thing. Or like, um, not, not that Sean- Just a real powerful move of sucking someone's dick? Well, not that, see that's what I'm saying, not that he, like, did that as a power move, but like, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I totally buy that, like, it catches you off guard, that's a weird thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I guess, like, you guys know people like your age generally who have kids? Yea, of course. Yea. Like, we're all just getting out. What are you, 23? 23, yea. Get out of college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a certain, like the biological kick in of like, wanting to have a kid I think is definitely part of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out of the hot seat for once, man. I'm out of the hot seat for once. That's some wild shit there, man. I don't know. They got nice smooth bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Been like, no, maybe I'm straight for a while. And then like in college, I was like, Oh, I don't have to repress that. So I kind of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to start making out or something. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not even like, and I was like, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we'll have like a watch that like stops time or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I think having siblings is super important. They're like being funny. Yeah, I can see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any siblings? I do, I've got an older sister and a younger sister. Nice. Oh, so you're in the middle of the sister sandwich? Middle of the pack, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only punched my, you were talking about, like, being able to, like, I only punched my older sister once. Really? In the face? No, right in the fucking gut. I remember it. I, I, uh, I mean, I got it. I feel bad, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we were young. What was she doing? She was just sad about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had something to do with Pepsi is what I remember. But I can't tell you otherwise. I think she like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would just all get in trouble, which was the, so like I didn't, I don't remember that being much of a thing. Like if, if we were arguing or if like I fucked up or like so, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless they, unless they obviously caught me fucking up. Yeaah. Like, we would just all get punished. So, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. I like the A on that. I don't know, I guess that's a British, like fucking A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would say check out, uh, YouTube video. Just, uh, you can look me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good fucking God. Episode 44? 44. Wow. Steaming right along. Steaming. We took a hard L this week. Who did? Fucking me. My peeps, dude. Oh yea, yea, yea. All my fucking fake Irish family, dude. Everyone was like, he's gonna fucking do it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a strong bet. My cousin won like 150 just because Connor made it to the 6th round. And I was like, oh fuck, you can make bets like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the fact that he did that, I was watching that and I'm like, this guy's, this is what it looks like when a dude fights a professional boxer. But he was fucking hanging in there. I'll give it to him, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That whole night pissed me off, it was just them, it was the Mayweather Entertainment Fighters, Mayweather Productions getting spoon fed, just fucking trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did it? Listen to what dude, I'm telling you, the fact, I mean, it's, you know, this is the same bullshit. This is what fucking Sir Charles had to say. And he's getting heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely has a, he's in a BMW right now, they're just cruising around, fucking throwing up salutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get mad. I'm gonna knock down the pyramids, dude. Yes. They're fucking built with slaves. Yes. Take them down, dude. Knock them down, dude. Fuck that, that weird fucking cat. All of it. All smug, that white cat, dude, to the top of the sticks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we were pissed back then. Cause we were indentured servants. Napoleon showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By default, dude. That is the cutoff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I at least try to make it funny and I'll come in and sometimes people like it, a lot of times people are like, fuck out of here. The one guy instantly banned me and was like, yeah, no thanks, get out. And I was like, yo, this is bullshit. He's like, your response was bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I got, I got in trouble too for the, uh, this lady was posting about like her cat, a cat wandering onto her yard and fighting her cat. And like her cat hurt the other cat. And I was like, you gotta go to cat court and talk about, talk to the weird cat lady at the judge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean if you say you needed to subdue, so like, someone broke into my house, I'm subduing them, they slit my choke, I'm fucking bending their arm back, not hurting, they're fucking very flexible, I might have to plug them up, dude. Alright, I'll sit the fuck down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wonder if you, so I guess you'd have to have a sex dungeon to rape them. You'd have to lead the fucking, you'd have to lead the burglar or the burgling party into your sex dungeon, the burgling party and lead them into your sex dungeon and just be like, yo, we got out of hand. This is all roleplay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It went by faster than I thought, but that one part where he's checking in with a girl and he was like, anal fisting, and she's like, no thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying after, would you say it was like the turning point of the women's sports?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gel is actually a protective layer from people yelling about your catacol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you watch like the, what's that show? The top sports center with all the plays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got that fucking gadget shit. You're the strong one to speak, dude. Yeah. Yeah. That happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking, I'm zoomin' right now. I'm zoomin' along. I just played squash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ouch. His dad after the match like shut down my parents humble shop. He's like, my dad's taking over your parents shop. We played for the shop dude and I lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, do you have squash sneakers? And we were both like, uh, sure. Yeah, we have them. They're like, yeah, you can't be home without squash sneakers. We're like, yeah, we got them. What the fuck are squash sneakers? Dude, I have no fucking clue. They're like golf sneakers without cleats. Yeah, it's like, it's ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they invented anime, but they were appropriating our cartoon culture. That's true. Yeah, but they made up Futinaria. I don't know what that is. Futinaria is anime where the girls in the anime characters magically grow penises. It's called Futinaria. That's probably what they're all watching. Cause you watch a lot of Futinaria, you get fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girls, I can get down with them if they're not blurred. I can't watch fucking Asian dudes drop D. No. It just, I'm sorry, it doesn't turn me on. No, it's gross. Asian guys boning, and again, I'm sorry, but this is my sexuality. Yeah. I can't get hard for them, dude. Well, they're also very like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. What is MS shit? It's the bad shit in Chinese food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They probably slipped it to the fucking Chinese in a briefcase, dude. That's why they're all fat now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the MSG's dude, that's the MSG's. Dude, it's the literally the most dishonest food that's ever been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just lit- I was eating it and I'm like, I'm paying 40 bucks for dim sum. It's just meat wrapped in noodles and the only reason it's good is because it's fucking covered in salt. I was like, this shit's a fucking rip off. Well, it's the Chinese dude. And then they had fucking chemicals dude, gotten from the Japanese. The Japanese dude. The Japanese gave the Chinese fucking chemicals dude. That's the only way they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but if, like, North Korea, aren't they, like, way behind technol- like, technologically? Where, like, if they get- it's like, if you just shot Kim Jong-un and was like, yo, here's Facebook, here's the internet, here's a bunch of cool shit, don't be fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're opening the border, you can go to South Korea, we'll show you. Well, apparently they sneak, the people who sneak into South Korea get there and they're told like they're living at like the pinnacle of technologies and they get this like soul and they're like, what the fuck is all this shit? And they're just like, it's like someone coming from like the middle ages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they get there and they see all the sick technologies, dude, and they're just like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my theory is if you kill Kim Jong and all his dogs and give them all the good technologies, dude, I think we'd be alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but don't they like, none of them have air conditioning and shit? If you were my dictator and I was living in a hot house, no offense, and someone came and shot you and gave me AC, I'd be like, dude, this is sick. Shane told me this didn't exist. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we just have to let him wild out. There's nothing we can do that has a good ending. Well he's gonna eventually get nuked and start, he's gonna shoot a missile at someone. Or do you think he's just fucking around? He probably knows, Kim Jong probably knows where he stands in the reality of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When? Fuckin' gunpowder, sick fuckin' poems. Yeah, they do, they're alright. Silk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea. Too much silk, dude. You think that's what happened? Too much silk, too much anime. They opened that silk road. That dishonest fucking food of theirs. That fucking sneaky cuisine they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've heard, uhm, I don't think it's just Chinese food who does this, but there's a couple places who got caught in Philly bleaching meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like the meat starts going bad and you just dip it in bleach and it kills all the shit and you pull it out, rinse it off and just cook it up and serve it. Oof. So that's a, that's a fucking, you go to like, you ever eat that weird, a lot of times too, the texture of Chinese chicken, like when I'm at a Chinese place and I'm eating chicken,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I've never chewed chicken like this before. This is something weird about it. And it's like, I'm not saying they bleached their meat, but like that's something a lot of Chinese restaurants are gonna call it doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meat bleaching. I'm telling you dude, I was eating this shit and I was just like, this stuff sucks. And it's pure fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about when I used to work for those Korean guys in the beer distributor and I used to have to go separate the dirty ice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I work for this beer distributor, I work for these Korean guys. And they used to, I, they had this like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it was like a walk-in refrigerator basically. Like a trailer that was like a, like a shipping container that was converted to a walk-in refrigerator. So we had the 40 pound, 30 pound, 20 pound bags of ice and they would break, you know, being in there and shit and getting handled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Dude, I still fought in steel, but I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I unknowingly accepted an erroneous tip of $400 from my fraternity when I delivered beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, their order was $600 and they handed me an envelope, and it was fucking dude, it was, it was Husky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is the teacher that was like fucking all- was that- what school was that? I think it was a college basketball team. There's a teacher who's like fucking all these dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, I think I watched the report on that lady who was getting piped out by all these football players and I like turned it off and like jerked off in my room and came back and I was like, man, that's sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're in 7th grade and like your teacher sucks your dick, that's just way too much confidence. That's- I think that'll fuck you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's totally different. It's like gosh, he's hot. The 40 year old teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucked my 14 year old daughter, I would seriously consider murdering a teacher. I'd seriously consider murdering him at my own fucking hands. Yeah. But if it was the other way around, I'd be like, dude, you're sick. I'd be like, damn, that's crazy. Give her, I'd like make sure she, I could go see her the next week at TCBY. I'm like, yeah, you should be fucking serving ice cream. That serves you right. Yeah. Fucking my boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, that actually I could get into, following up my son and be like, I'm so much better than him, I'm so much better than him. What if you weren't, dude? There's a couple tricks up my sleeve that I haven't taught my boy yet. You wanna see them? What if I weren't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a good chance I won't be, dude. There's a good chance my son, the rate I'm going, will blow me out of the fucking water, dude. Really? Yeah, my son will be black. I'm gonna have a black son, dude. Get ready for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, my Blackstone's gonna be sick, dude. It's gonna be so funny, dude.


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[Assistant] I've really thought about strategies for how, like, to navigate that and that's gonna be a tough one. What, having a Black Sun? Yeah. Better hope.


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[Assistant] They don't cry. We should go get one. They are very honorable. We should go adopt one.


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[Assistant] There has to be a river that connects North and South Korea and we gotta put a baby in a basket with like a Generation 1 Gameboy and send him up there, dude.


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[Assistant] Full-Fledged Rebellion. They probably have like, if you're in North Korea, you probably have like six fuckin' gaslies and Charizard just in like a blood-soaked cloth and you're like


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[Assistant] They just fucking, they were leaning, they had their dungarees on, they leaned so hard with one foot against that wall, it just fell down. Exactly. That's how the Berlin Wall came down. Is that the Berlin Wall? That's in Germany. They were all fucking, yeah. That's in Germany. Same thing.


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[Assistant] This is actually, I heard recently, someone told me, some Irish guy told me a weird random tip that you can buy like real estate for dirt cheap in some part of Berlin, east or west. So any hot investors out there.


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[Assistant] You're going to touch down on North Korea and there's going to be a bunch of dudes dressed like Bruce Springsteen playing like fucking Gameboy. I mean like, oh, that was really good. Oh, yeah. Kim Jong, dude. The boss is the number one of music.


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[Assistant] Dude, imagine if Kim Jong was listening, dude. He's a bastard. He would be... His life...


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[Assistant] I can't even fathom what the fuck he does. I mean it's just like the hottest, you know he definitely has, there's part of his thing, and I'm spitballing again dude, but I'd be willing to bet he has a secret police that go around and find the hottest chicks. And they just come right to, they come right to the fucking.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that would be a sick way to go out and say everyone dies at once. The whole world.


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[Assistant] Yea, in about a billion years, the fucking universe collapses back in on itself and close. Yea, we get to start over. We're right back here, be like, episode 44, I feel like I've been here before. This weird fat Chinese guys are creepy. Yea yea yea.


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[Assistant] They all were like trading rap conspiracies, and it was like all rappers are gay, Jay-Z's gay, Nas's gay, that's like the hot conspiracy. They're all gay. If you made it as a rapper, it's cause you're gay. For sure. And I think it's cause you like suck ditty or something.


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[Assistant] They're fucking sick, dude. Did you ever fuck with the, uh, or what is it called?


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[Assistant] OB pa- or positive blood type conspiracies? No. There's videos, you gotta check them out on YouTube, but just this black dude being like, they just him pulling up different people and be like, yea Obama, positive blood type mothafucka man, yo check out this guy, yea he definitely positive blood type, and they're saying like, positive blood types rule the world.


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[Assistant] Good for them. Yeah, if you have positive blood, you're like a different species and you're like secretly trying to enslave everyone. That's sick. When black people get so deep in the conspiracy game that they don't trust Obama, dude, that's my problem. That's the pinnacle of my favorite stuff.


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[Assistant] There's a reason it's in the basement. I'm white. If you're like, I've said this before, not even on the podcast, but like, if you were to walk around and it's nice to see a white-owned business around here, people are like, dude, shut the fuck up, dude, get the fuck out of here. You can't, I mean, and it makes sense. Of course. I'm not hating on that.


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[Assistant] When I get pulled over, I'm kinda like, yes. Really? When I get pulled over, I'm like, thank you.


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[Assistant] No. A little bit. Get the fuck out. I'm telling you, dude. You're not white enough for that.


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[Assistant] Yea I am. That long hair dude? I am a long hair, I'm a freak, that's true.


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[Assistant] So I have some friends who are black who drive like 90 miles an hour, drunk, smoking weed constantly, and they're like, man, motherfucker, pull me over again. I was like, dude, they can smell weed from you. But I had one friend who was in the military, he got pulled over just driving a jeep, he was driving a jeep across the bridge, and the cop was like, yea dude, like, we thought you're, uh,


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[Assistant] He's about, I would say driving long distances with him, which I have in Pennsylvania specifically.


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[Assistant] Dodge, I think it was a Ford F-150. Ford F-150. That was all, it was like, this is actually pretty interesting, it was all like, it was at night time when you drove past it, the paint job looked like a flame. So it was like a hologram that looked like the truck was on fire. That's tricky.


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[Assistant] Exactly, I think I've talked about this before, when the guys at that restaurant, he put his laptop down, in a bag in his laptop, uh, he was working in a restaurant that I was working at.


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[Assistant] And the trash guys came, two black dudes, and they like, he like, backpedaled and was like, oh grab my bag! And then he looked at the black guys and was like,


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[Assistant] Guys, he did something slightly weird, but it's also he did it because there are two strangers, and you have a $1300 MacBook, it's like, dude, go get your fucking laptop.


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[Assistant] Either not, B, it's like, dude, my dad, his grandmom,


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[Assistant] You gotta watch out honey, they're the worst.


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[Assistant] That happened to Ridley police, uhm, they were like the last, Ridley, Pennsylvania, they were like the last police force in Delaware County to not have any black guys working. They had no black guys in the force. And then finally he was like, dude.


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[Assistant] Come on. There's no way. Is there like a stone's throw from Chester? Which is all, pretty much all black. Yea. And they're like, dude, you guys are definitely getting black eyes applying. And they're like, no, we're not. Nah. The hammer came down. There was a doctor who drove through Ridley as a black guy in a BMW and he was like a doctor. I think he'd teach like white hair or something. Probably had a couple dents in it. Dude, I think he was clean.


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[Assistant] It was the guy, it was like the dude from Breaking Bad, the chicken guy. He was in the chicken store. This guy went through Ridley and he got pulled over like three times on McDade Boulevard within like five miles. He got pulled over by three different cops. They were just like, yo bro, what you doing? He was like fucking going home.


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[Assistant] That would be funny if the stigma of people from the middle east holding bombs gets transferred to Koreans.


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[Assistant] I have a firework, I have one firework left from 4th of July and all I want to do is bury it in the ground. It's a, one of those mortars. Some mortars are flying in the air. I'm going to bury it. I actually want to film it. Nice little promo for the podcast. I'm going to bury this thing and have it explode underground and do it in slow motion. Yea it will. It's just going to smoke. We did one on the ground.


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[Assistant] After like the one year in? It's so fucking sweet. It's so fucking fun. Get your dick sucked.


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[Assistant] He went in the back room and jerked off. In the private booth. For $75 he jerked off.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean I get that, but to like be like, alright, pay a 75 bucks and just sit in a corner.


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[Assistant] See, I don't get charged up there. I just walk in and I'm just like, this is crazy. This is weird.


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[Assistant] I might uh, we gotta bring back 69 and hard. I tried dude, I try once a week and it's like


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[Assistant] I don't know man. Yeah, you would. And you both have to finish.


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[Assistant] There's usually like a split second while the crowd's processing what I just said. And then it's just, ah, oh my god.


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[Assistant] For the sake of argument, let's say he can eject if you work it good enough.


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[Assistant] Or then I guess your dad would just have to face fuck your dad's, uh, dead body.


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[Assistant] Oh, the Jaco podcast. Where Jaco was reading like the atrocities and they were like, and the Japanese soldiers would hold guns to like Chinese dudes heads and be like, fuck your mother right now. Yup, I know. So. In his voice, yea that could happen actually. It did happen to some people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's not out of the realm of possibility, I guess. Think if you were walking with like a hot cousin. And you're like- Japs rolled up and were like, do it now!


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[Assistant] If a Japanese guy is involved in your sex though, everything gets blurred out. That's true. So it would be blurry sex.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So basically- That's why I have one uncircled friend, he got a handjob in high school and his nickname became everywhere cause he nutted everywhere. Cause it felt so good for him dude. Yeaah. We used to call him DT to form Tallywhacker. And now he's laughing dude. Now he's got a long fucking weird dick.


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[Assistant] It was funny though as kids, like, anybody that was different, like, he had a different dick than all of us, so we all made fun of him. Of course. You had to outcast him. Maybe get older and just like, whatever dude, I don't care what your fucking dick looks like.


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[Assistant] The guy was like, yea dude. The guy was like, hell yea. Yea, I mean. I'll send you some fucking socks right now.


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[Assistant] They're just riding that saddle all day, they're probably not constantly.


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[Assistant] You sure you wanna go public yet? Yea dude. Alright, we're on the market. This is the IPO, but not my website.


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[Assistant] Dude, this, you're the world that you've entered. With what? Of like dick oils and animus. I've been in this world bro. And fucking. I've been in this world.


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[Assistant] I get on Reddit and it's fully on my- Oh my gosh. Yeah, whatever article you see, you're just like, I'm all in. Yeah, instantly. Dick oil? Yeah, dude. Just leave it alone.


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[Assistant] One of them's cheetah print. So you're gonna be walking around with basically a cheetah print condom on. Just walking around life. Yeah, pretty much.


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[Assistant] That's step two. Bellend? Is that a term you came up with?


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[Assistant] Alright, so Manhood Canada is with the, with the sponsorship. They're gonna send us some products. Check em out. Matt's gonna use a sock condom from Canada.


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[Assistant] I pray to God that that thing falls off while you're in public.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, you understand the difference. I do, I do.


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[Assistant] You'd have to, you know what would help with the laughter is if you had a few Asian guys like stand, stand guard.


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[Assistant] How many people, if we had seven to eight listeners show up to that, how many dong, how many dong hoods do you think would be on? Seven dude. You think everyone's going all in on this.


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[Assistant] Uh, it was good. Got a little fucking hammered on Thursday. Showed my ass a little. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Showed the old ass? Then Friday and Saturday I kept it sober. Did the Harrisburg Comedy Zone with The Rich Voss. Shit. It was great. It was really great. It was sold out shows. All of them were sold out? All packed white trash. Wall to wall fucking.


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[Assistant] You guys are fucking idiots. Oh my god. They go nuts. That's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really fun to watch.


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[Assistant] He was fucking, oh my god. He gets away with being so fucking racist up there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but he's, he's good at it. Like he's, he's the first white guy to do Def Jam. He's like, he's good at it. He's Jewish too.


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[Assistant] He throws that in. He's like, listen, I'm Jewish. I don't want to say his material, but he's like, he's talking to black people in the audience and he's like, listen, I'm Jewish. We're, we're just as persecuted. He's like, we should team up. He's like, imagine with your speed and strength and our brains and money.


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[Assistant] Well he is, he's good at playing. He knows where to stop.


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[Assistant] Yes, him and I've seen DiPaolo do it too. I've heard Nick DiPaolo just crazy shit.


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[Assistant] He is. And also he doesn't give a fuck. And that's all it takes. If you're up there and you say something crazy like that, if you just stay in the pocket and are like, yea what, then you're fine.


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[Assistant] Every time I'm with uh, every time I'm with Voss, I always try to talk about Patrice. What'd you say? He's like, don't, he's like, don't, what are you gonna bring up my dead best friend? You fucking idiot. He just walks away, I'm like, oh shit. Done it like three different times.


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[Assistant] Yeah, did that Friday and Saturday, came back here, I got to, Thursday I did a spot at Helium with, uh,


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[Assistant] Pedro Salinas hosted. Oh, how was that? McKeever featured and Mark Norman headlined. And I did a little guest spot in there. It was a fucking sick show. That's a good fucking show.


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[Assistant] McKeever hadn't done stand-up, he's gonna kill me for this, but he hadn't done stand-up in like over a year.


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[Assistant] Just goes on, does 20, 25. That's a blizznik, blizznik was there saying that. Just murders.


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[Assistant] Well the, it's very different. Yeaah. Cause Norman's very jokey. Yeaah. Like it's just joke, joke, joke, joke, which actually, I mean,


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[Assistant] It's one of those things where I don't like that style, of like people going on and essentially reading tweets. Yeah. But.


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[Assistant] Norman's so fucking good at it, and he does it so, he, dude. He's like a machine. It's an hour of just straight fucking jokes. It's really fucking impressive.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. When he does break and do like slight improv. Yeaah. Yeaah. He. No, he's a fucking, he is a machine. It's pretty undeniable. Yeaah. Even if, like, that's not the style I like. But he does do jokes that are at least like. They're edgy. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] And it's like, dude, what the fuck? Yeah, it's like, cause you said it in a jokey way. Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't want to go too far into it. I hear you. Cause it'll undoubtedly come back to haunt me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it was all comics and I was just up there trying to say fucked up things. I ended up outing Lamar Lee over something. Did you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I can't, I mean, I didn't even get like, I mean I got fucked up on Thursday, but it was just beer.


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[Assistant] Can't do it. It kills me. I go to helium, I take shots.


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[Assistant] I've, it's funny, I've watched enough and listened to enough Patrice and I'm like, I'm fucking Patrice. I'm pretty much Patrice. I get fucking hammered and be like, you suck, fuck you. And I'll wake up and be like, why would I ever think I was Patrice O'Neil?


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[Assistant] First of all, he's good. Like, he's, he was famous. It's like, I'm a fucking middle act.


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[Assistant] And I only, the thing is is I only get fucked up at helium.


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[Assistant] Uuuh. So like, they must see me and be like, damn dude, he's a mess. That's true. The only place I drink, I drink like once a week. At, but at helium. But at helium.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I could pull that off. If, if it gets too, if I get in trouble. I've watched people do it. Yeah, I've watched people do it. I'll fucking hit that. Sick move. Hit the eject button. You just have to get drunk in your house. Not tell anyone.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was talking to Shuly about fucking, he likes Bukowski.


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[Assistant] I was like, dude, don't go into the Bukowski realm of like reading Bukowski and being like, this guy's awesome.


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[Assistant] I would, I would read his books and be like, that's sweet, dude. I should just be a fucking alcoholic bum.


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[Assistant] It's like, it's the worst life ever. Yeah, it's horrible. There's one part, one of his stories is like, I woke up, like I always do, and I throw up and take a drunk, like a beer shit. He's like, it's the most alive I'll ever feel.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I watch- I do it. If I'm hungover, I'm like, this is the worst thing on earth. There's nothing alive. My mind is fully shot, and my body's garbage. No, it's horrible, dude.


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[Assistant] Well they will once our listeners start. Once the market has flooded.


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[Assistant] If you try to give me one and I was like it doesn't fit dude, it's too small.


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[Assistant] What a bad sponsor. That's a great sponsor, dude. I know. I don't want to ruin it because right now the manhood Canada CEO is listening.


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[Assistant] I remember that India factory we watched. That's what they're making.


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[Assistant] Imagine working in the dick factory. The dick shield factory? You work for the manhood Canada factory. And you're printing out the leopard prints? Oof. That's gotta be awesome. Or do you think they're hand sewn?


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[Assistant] That truck was crazy. There was just a bunch of parked cars at a red light and somebody just sped head on into them.


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[Assistant] I've thought of, yea, you think of that on the way to, I used to think of that like on the way to school or something I didn't want to do. Just be like, man, I should just fly right into this fucking, just bridge.


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[Assistant] Dude, I was thinking this, I like sit real gay when I'm watching, like if I'm on the couch, I like sit weird. What do you mean? Like I'll put my legs up on shit, I'll fucking- Okay. You ever do that? Like you sit- Like put my leg up on my other leg, yeah.


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[Assistant] No, I mean like, uh, like almost like curled up. Oh, like when you're like... Every once in a while I'll just find myself sitting real gay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude. That is weird. Everyone's while I'm sitting there just like, dude, I'm 30 and I'm sitting all, like, all like, snuggling. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Because people, everybody likes it. No, it's still, it's still a great show. Pretentious Rick and Morty fans.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and there are two best shows. Dude, I don't think South Park gets touched by anything.


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[Assistant] It's like, uh, I forget what it's called. It's a, it's a type of Jewish too.


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[Assistant] How? I don't know, it's the same thing, everybody gets like a little bit of African in them.


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[Assistant] The only theme that I've ever had pretty consistent is punching someone in the face and it's not hurting them.


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[Assistant] Well I think everyone is. In their daydreams. That's what I'm saying. Some people were sitting there daydreaming like, I wish I was a background singer.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That makes sense. No, that makes sense. That's pretty scary to think about. I latch on to specific women. Yeah dude. Just prey on them in my mind. Yeah dude. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I love beer and sports. No you fucking don't. You definitely don't.


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[Assistant] Not my girl, she's, she's a good, she's a good girl dude. She bought into Notre Dame fighting Irish. She's a good girl. It was funny because I remember my ex girlfriend did not buy into Notre Dame. Really? Hated Notre Dame football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or at least, you know, just didn't give a fuck. Didn't give a fuck, which is fine. I mean, she stayed, you know, but then I remember we were driving out to Notre Dame and I was with my cousin. She wasn't in the car. My cousin Frankie, who's just.


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[Assistant] Absolute animal. He's like, she's gotta buy into the program, Shaynor.


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[Assistant] We would drive in the middle of the night, we, we would leave Thursday night to, it's the best, going out to Notre Dame like that.


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[Assistant] And my cousin, Frankie, who's just, I've talked about him a few times on here, he's fucking insane.


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[Assistant] To go watch Michigan State Notre Dame at my cousin's house. Fair. And then I went to Notre Dame, Michigan, the next week.


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[Assistant] That went out, yeaah. So there was a good two week stretch where I put the Irish above her.


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[Assistant] I love you forever. It is crazy. Like if I broke my leg and my girlfriend was like, I have plans to go do this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm fucking better at it. I don't want you to be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I can do things that if she did, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing?


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[Assistant] You're right. Like, also if I'm at a show and a girl comes up and talks to me and my girlfriend's there and... It's like, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if a hot chick comes up and is like, you are so funny, oh my god. Yeah. Like my girlfriend's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. She knows your systems, man. She knows your systems, man. Treat your women as systems.


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[Assistant] We're gonna end up losing our fucking mind. Dude, it's gone, bruh. It's been gone, but yea-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now he's got a manhood on. Oh, he's definitely rocking the manhood. He's probably the CEO. He's like, I was down there in America for an online date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got a great story this weekend. I forgot about this. This is so fucking funny. So there were... I don't want to name them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, there's two brothers, both fat black dudes. Both like chubby, well not chubby, fat as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just got a gay blowjob? Just got a gay blowjob. And then people were like, dude, are you gay? He's like, I wouldn't put a label on it. It's like, you're definitely gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I wish I could name them and explain how funny it is. That's hilarious, dude. If you saw and knew this dude, it'd be so much funnier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, also just the idea of a dude in his house just like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, the other end of that. Someone rings the doorbell. He puts down his curl bar or whatever he was doing. He's like, no, that's fine, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This chick's a fucking savant dude. She's like a cop dude, just pulls right up. She probably-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I think I shot my load comedically on that first part. That was fucking awesome. That was dude, the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manhood. Dude. I just can't get that out of my head. That's all that needs to happen. That's just a classic McCosker endeavor.


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[Assistant] You listen to that one? I don't know how much he listened to. Hopefully not the first half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, as soon as I listen to it, cause the rest of the podcast last week was good. Like when we finally started talking to Gerben, but the first half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just rambled about Black Panther. Yeah, he was great on there. That shit is definitely overrated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a double goldmine. Whoever was the guy who decided to make that.


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[Assistant] Just sitting there just like, you know how everybody loves comic book movies? It's like, yeaah. It's like, you know how everybody also loves black oppression right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spielberg. It reminds me of your fucking, you had that exact experience. What? When you, that black tranny tried to suck your dick. Man. Skated out of that one. Yea right, you guys kissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the constant endeavors of just like, something with your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, you just, every week you come down here with a different fucking theory and- It's funny cause- There's just a new fucking dick theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be a good, you know, sales pitch for manhood. Could be that thing for like people who are showers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you're like, dude, every week is just, it's, you're like a fucking stray dog. I just let you out of the house at the end of this. I'm like, all right, come back in a week and tell me what happened. What the fuck did you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Yo, how do you feel about, uh, I've seen a lot of Jordan Peterson hate lately. That's fine. Have you noticed that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's alright, dude. He's, he's very sexy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of extreme right wing, somebody said I did a Sam Hy joke last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. That's sick, dude. Yeah. Anything Sam Hyde is fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the one thing, like O'Connor for example, whenever they have a problem with him, it's usually the religion stuff.


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[Assistant] Archetypes these storylines that we've always used and there's a reason that that's in the human consciousness.


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[Assistant] He loves the, he loves the J.K. Rowling analogy.


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[Assistant] So you thought you were Pinocchio? You were like, you think he got a sheath for his nose?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's just, it's one of those things where it's, it's almost like the same reason I just said Rick and Morty was gay. True. It's cause his fans.


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[Assistant] We feel like- You O'Connor and Gerben, O'Connor and Gerben both have the same Harris- Yea, I'm all Peterson dude. The way of speaking or- I'm all Peterson. David Deutsch or whatever, younger or all these guys that you guys all fucking love and it's just like-


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[Assistant] It's funny to see somebody and listen to somebody that you think is good and smart and just imitate.


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[Assistant] I mean, imagine listening to a Patrice podcast and then regurgitating Patrice O'Neill.


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[Assistant] Cause he would pontificate constantly. On stage? Patrice, yea, on stage, interviews, everything. Yea, his interviews are funny as shit. He's always got like this, he knows more than everyone in the room, profound fucking, but if you listen he never gets anywhere.


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[Assistant] A lot of the time. Yea, that's true. A lot of the time, you could, like, he does this unmasked with Ron Bennington, which is fucking sick. Yea, I listened to that. It was good. But, uh, I just listened to it again today. Yea. But he, he, there's several times where people ask him a question and he just answers with just a random three minute fucking speech about nothing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, nevermind, I don't want to get into stand-up. Every time I talk about stand-up on this, I end up just being like, oh my god, I'm so gay. Why? Well, eh, why? Yeah. Well, first off, cause I'm nothing. So what? So then if I talk like I'm something- Oh, is that nothing?


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[Assistant] And it's just, I'm in a spot where it's just frustrating and that's what it's always gonna be. Stand-up's literally always gonna be like, I should have that. I should have that.


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[Assistant] So then I constantly fret about shit that hopefully in a year I'm gonna look back or two years and be like, what the fuck was I worried about? Why would I be complaining about that?


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[Assistant] A guy came to my show on Saturday that I had worked with at this, uh,


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[Assistant] This place called Your Remodeling Guys in York, PA, and it was like, we sell bathrooms, like remodel your bathrooms. I made one sale in three months, and it was pure commission. I worked for three months for free. It was the worst fucking place I've ever worked.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Like they, not door to door, they set up the appointments. But they trick these people into their appointments.


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[Assistant] Well, let's, uh, let's design a bathroom for you. And you fucking design it on your laptop. Yeah. Show it to them and they're like, oh, that's nice. And it's like, okay, that's, uh, $48,000. And they're like, get the fuck out of here. I'm like, no, I know. Right when I'd show them the price, every time I'd just be like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty expensive. I'm gonna leave. I'll get out of here. And also I was like, nice, I worked today. I can leave early, fuck it. Oh, that's so fucking funny. I had the mental part of working. It wasn't like the producing. I had no money. Yeah. But I was like, ah, I worked today. It's nice to, it's nice to leave early. Be like, nice, I can get out of here.


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[Assistant] It's so bad. And I had, you would have like models, I'd like a model bathtub. I'd be like, here, look at this. This is the...


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[Assistant] Sign up for someone to come to their house at home. These are all fucking idiots. I went into one guy's house that had birds. He had fucking birds flying around his house. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] I did that as soon as I got here and I walked out. Yeah, I mean imagine being someone.


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[Assistant] I did that and they were like, I was with this guy and he was like, man, you're good. You got a good sales. Like he was like, you're gonna be great.


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[Assistant] I was like cool, we were standing at Walmart trying to switch people's cable. Jesus. And like literally it took me two hours.


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[Assistant] To just be like, I gotta go. I can't do this. And the guy was like, are you coming back after lunch? I was like, no. Like there's no way I'm doing this.


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[Assistant] And it was like, I sold cars before that. Yeaah. And it was like. That's a sick gig. It's like 60, 70 thousand dollars a year.


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[Assistant] Sometimes. That's pretty sick. I mean if that's your job, who cares?


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[Assistant] If I sold one car, I was done for the day. I would just walk around. I would leave for like three hours. I was a bad, I was a bad employee. I'm definitely a horrible employee. Just about whatever I do.


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[Assistant] Or if it's just a totally meaningless job. Yeah. Like, like selling, switching people's cable. Yes. I can't care about this. There's nothing I can care about with this.


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[Assistant] God, it sucks for whoever's listening to this right now, cause they definitely, almost, not everybody, but a lot of people have jobs that it's just like, this is pointless.


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[Assistant] That's what I did selling cars. There were guys I worked with that had families obviously, and they crushed it. And they were like, this is a great job.


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[Assistant] It resulted in me going to Spain and literally never having money since.


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[Assistant] I was, I was, I remember I was, cause I got out of college and sold cars. So just like out of college, that was the first job I even applied to.


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[Assistant] Cause my cousin worked there and hooked it up. I just went and sold cars and I was like, Oh, it's so easy to make money. Who the fuck doesn't? I was like, yeah, I just got out of college and made 60,000 selling fucking Honda. So it was easy. So like when I left for Spain, I remember.


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[Assistant] The teachers over there were like, what are you going to do when you go back? I was like, I don't know, I'll fucking find something. I get back, I'm hawking bathtubs, fucking selling nothing, crying.


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[Assistant] I started getting in trouble selling cars. I got in trouble selling cars because I would go into the office and get the invoices that we paid for the car. I'd be like, this is what we paid for it. You can probably get pretty close to this. Damn. They were like, why are you always in the office? I was like, I don't know man.


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[Assistant] Like just showing them the actual invoice, be like, here's exactly what we paid for it.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That's how I felt. That's the only way I felt justified with it. Like to literally show everybody everything.


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[Assistant] No, no, it's like if you sell a certain type of insurance, you get like a hundred, two hundred dollars, but they're paying that like each payment.


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[Assistant] I wonder if he's going to say anything, yeaah. Way off this time. Funcast. Can't wait, I gotta go see Black Panther. Oh, you haven't seen it yet, dude. I still haven't seen it.


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[Assistant] How about, how about Trump today? Dude, what a fucking dick. But how he said like, I would have went in.


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[Assistant] Yes. Constantly. That's so fun. Yeah, anytime I'm at, uh, it was definitely when I was in school. When I was in college. I would think about it.


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[Assistant] Like what the fuck would you do? Someone came. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then...


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[Assistant] If I'm in like a public place where I think it could, like where it would be like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the, the Virginia Tech one was, was pretty crazy. That was a crazy one. I don't remember when that happened.


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[Assistant] Was it really? Yeah, I think he was Korean.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Uh, fuck, what was his name? That's an interesting little factoid. Choi? I don't know.


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[Assistant] What do you think of all those fucking crisis actors, dude?


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[Assistant] That's what you guys are- Yeah, it's not good. None of it's good. No, dude. It's all very bad. And then we have fucking Trump at the helm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've been watching some of that. Hey, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You were probably in a different classroom. You weren't affected. Shut up.


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[Assistant] Hispanic chick that was in that high school. There's a picture over here that says, Emma Gonzalez, high school senior, she's the president of the Gay Straight Alliance, mass shooting survivor, NRA, National Rifle Association of America, and Republican's worst nightmare.


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[Assistant] It's like, uh, okay. Yeah, pretty sure that's every single person's fucking worst nightmare. Is fucking Emma Gonzales, president of the Gay-Straight Alliance, survivor of mass, of a mass shooting? It's like, cause now she actually has something that's like...


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[Assistant] The ma- the mass shooting survivor card is a tough one to be like, shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] I was at my parents house yesterday and I found an old collage of me playing football.


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[Assistant] That's, that's what lurks down here. That's like my beware of dog.


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[Assistant] Nah, I took a picture, I sent it to, I think I sent it to McKeever. He was like, holy shit dude. That was you?


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[Assistant] I'm gonna post this on the fucking reddit dude, let the people see my fury.


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[Assistant] That, that game, that was against, I remember that game, it was against a high school called Scotland in Pennsylvania. It's like an all black, like, I think it started as like a veteran's orphanage.


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[Assistant] Costume. The upper body underneath his jersey.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. That's what happens. I mean, when you're little, boys and girls are equal athletically. Yeaah. And then the white boys take off. Yeaah. And then whites and blacks are equal for a little while. And then the black boys take off, dude. Eighth grade, dude. This guy was like running with pet. They were like, don't ask me this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we used to play Lashon McCoy in basketball and football and it was like, he kinda sucked when we were younger. We beat them in the championship. Uh huh. And then like his...


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[Assistant] sophomore year of high school, he rushed for like 400 yards. It was like, oh, he's pretty good.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, those, those were the days. We should go, we should go. Yeah. Let's hit it. Uhm. Yeah, I, I got nothing to plug.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, oh yea, I'm not on that. I'm not on that. What the fuck dude? Yea, I forgot, we gotta tell the listeners dude. I mean still go to the show to see McCusker rock his shit.


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[Assistant] I was, I was removed from the show and they heard my Black Panther takes. Yea, right dude. They eliminated me. They were like, how dare you talk about that. They heard you talk.


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[Assistant] I mean, the fact that Trump said that is just... It's crazy. I mean, remember when Wahlberg said that about 9-11? Mhm. He was like, I would have fucking rushed the cockpit. And even then it was like, dude, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Don't say that.


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[Assistant] Trump daddy would be a king. If we tried to fake Olympus falling on him, and he ended up fucking beating the shit out of the Russian terrorists. There's no way dude. He'd be the dictator.


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[Assistant] Uh, I, oh, the, when the story came out about that dude that didn't go in at the school shooting? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I mean, obviously it's like, what a fucking coward. Yea. He has a gun, right? But also, I think so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, right when it happened though, I was gonna tweet, uh, the picture of...


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[Assistant] I had a sick tweet lined up, I was just sitting at a bar and it was on the news and I was like...


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[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna tweet the picture of the guy from, uh,


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[Assistant] You got the president coming on and being like, yeah, that was just.


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[Assistant] I don't know, cause the police went on and was like, we're gonna investigate it cause that's unacceptable. So it sounds like, it sounds like they were like.


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[Assistant] If you're taking pictures with guns and you're very pale, that's when it's time to get some authorities involved.


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[Assistant] If you're like a hot dude that's like wearing a hunter's hat, you've got like a dog with you in a truck and you're taking pictures of guns, that's sick. But if you're super pale,


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[Assistant] People need him dude. If I was a liberal hack comic I would probably make a joke about how...


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[Assistant] Even a, even a white school shooter, the cops are still like, don't shoot him.


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[Assistant] If I wanted a sick liberal hot take, I'd be like, of course the cops didn't shoot him. He was white. Here's a video of Tamir Rice. 9000 retweets.


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[Assistant] I mean, unfortunately this is exactly what Trump said. He was like, you never know until you're tested, but he was like, I would hope I would go in, even if I didn't have a weapon.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's definitely suicide shit. Or he goes and shoots up another school. Yeah. And then commits suicide. That's the move. Fuck. Be like I was in on it the whole time. I doubt it dude.


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[Assistant] He's gotta shoot either himself or somebody. Somebody's getting shot.


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[Assistant] Alright, alright, alright. Alright bro, hour and forty. One more thought about that guy. There was definitely, if he worked at that school every day.


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[Assistant] There's definitely hot chicks, the high school chicks. He could have saved them. He could have saved them. Think of those hot chicks he saw every day that was like, man, what would I give?


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[Assistant] Like some hot fucking Puerto Rican 17 year old chick in there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's nuts. And that's hot, that's not hot, that's fucking...


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[Assistant] This chick and the students that are, the students that are making a difference right now, Matt.


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[Assistant] You, you think they're all fucking crisis actors?


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[Assistant] Do you think that fucking Emma Gonzalez, high school senior, president of the Gay Straight Alliance Mass Shooter Survivor? That's a sick alliance dude. Gay Straight Alliance? Yea dude.


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[Assistant] Uh, she's at least going for the look of gay.


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[Assistant] It's so funny to be critical of this chick. Like if you and me lived in like Afghanistan when Malala was standing up against the Taliban, we'd be like shut up dude. You're just trying to look good. Shut up you bitch.


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[Assistant] Alright. Oh my god. Let's do it. Yeah, we're rambling. Uh, god bless all of our listeners. Yo. Go see Black Panther, it's powerful. Go see Black Panther. Don't school shoot. Nope.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, just, you know how nice it feels to jerk off now? Oh my god. Imagine when your penis is nice and soft and smooth. Episode 69. Episode 69, dude. Are you gonna crumb tonight?


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[Assistant] Probably not, I got the crumb two days ago. I crumbed last night, I'm not gonna crumb today. Really? No crumb.


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[Assistant] I was driving, I was driving today. There's a creek around here named Crumb Creek.


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[Assistant] There you have it. Get the fucking manhood on your dick so you can crumb hard as shit. Hell yea.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a lot of people, we had, we had, we were getting a lot of flack from a while, for a while from people being like, I'm fucking podcasting.


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[Assistant] He didn't eat the buckle, luckily. Buckle's still sitting on my dresser. I got half a belt on my dresser. I was like, this is going to be 500 bucks. Which dog? Jackson. Yea, definitely Jackson.


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[Assistant] They're actually really sweet dude, I mean I was a, I was a dog walker.


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[Assistant] A lot of people give dog walker shit, but there's like a crocodile hunter aspect to it, where you walk into a house with a dog you don't know, and you have to just be ready for anything.


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[Assistant] Literally, I have a pitbull, everyone has him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no one's gonna be like, well, black people, dude. Even like, it's funny to try to like, dance around that and be like, what do you mean? I mean, uh, uh.


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[Assistant] But yea dude, that is a funny piece of it dude.


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[Assistant] Oh, they look sick. They are. They are definitely like the dog equivalent. They're like the dog equivalent of like a sick chain. Yeah. If you just have like a fucking two huge pitbulls, it looks fucking nice.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, aww yeaah, spike leash. Yeaah. That is a title that translates to you being some sort of like fucking sick ass dude.


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[Assistant] It's weird, I think it's a lot of, it happens a lot with poor people because like my parents with dogs, no, serious dude, they're poor, if you're poor, you're behind.


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[Assistant] So like my parents grew up with like, you keep a dog in a backyard and you just, that's your dog and you don't let it inside. That's like, that's how you do it. And a lot of poor people do that too.


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[Assistant] To where like, so if you're growing up poor, you have a dog, you're watching someone raise a dog, and you're like, dude, what the fuck are you doing, bro?


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[Assistant] It's true. It's true. Checking the stats.


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[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna walk into this and I'm gonna let you know, dude. The facts. You're gonna let me hear the facts? Yeah. That. If you're poor.


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[Assistant] But I mean, dude, it's like, my dog came from Olney, was just buzzing around. My boy's dog came from Olney, had like, chipped up teeth from dog fighting.


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[Assistant] It was, that was an old, I, I, dude, I'm telling you, I, I don't, I have to read this book, but Thomas Sowell has a theory in his book called Black Rednecks, White Liberals, where they think like popular black culture was just taken from like white cracker culture. Cause I wouldn't be surprised to find out there was a lot of dog fighting in the south among white people in like the 1800s.


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[Assistant] I'm full blow, I'm like literally half and half GB vs Taliban.


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[Assistant] George Bush. Yea? What about him? He could have done it dude. No he couldn't. He could have placed explosives in there.


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[Assistant] No, he couldn't have. What was he doing when they told him the news? He was reading a sick book about goats. Exactly, dude. If I just blew up two buildings in New York, where would you find me? I'd be doing some weird volunteer for like little kids reading a book and like, what happened? That's crazy. I didn't know that.


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[Assistant] They've done false flags before. They've done false flags before.


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[Assistant] That is wild though, as I really do, like I don't believe fully in them, but to think of the dudes who walk around all day being like...


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[Assistant] So you were saying black people, some of them dogs. I didn't say that at all. I'm just saying that if you're poor and you own dogs, you're not out here taking them to the fucking assume room.


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[Assistant] In Africa dogs, in Africa dogs are like just more of a nuisance. They just wander around. And it's like there, if you like show a dog respect there, it'd be like if someone was like hugging a deer and petting it, you'd be like, what the fuck am I doing? Why would you do that?


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[Assistant] That's not on my record. Dude, that's- What? Run me back what I said.


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[Assistant] I mean, think about, think about if you grew up and you saw dogfighting before you, like, made your morals all set up, that would look fucking awesome. You would see it and be like, holy fucking shit.


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[Assistant] True. I mean, I'm just saying, if you're, if you're like five and you're just like, whoa, this is fucking sick. And then someone's like, yeah, well guess what? You can make a lot of money doing this too. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm just trying to imagine like, cause when you're like, to have the mentality of like, alright these dogs are gonna fight, you lost, just drown him, it's like, dude how the fuck are you doing that?


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[Assistant] That's what I've been thinking about that a lot lately of like the difference between


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[Assistant] You know, racial humor or just being like, I fucking hate black people.


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[Assistant] Just like, really harbor that, you know what I mean? People who walk around all day harboring that, just being like, like those guys on Fox, like there were so many people when Obama won who were just like, fuck him.


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[Assistant] Fuck him. And to think about like, to be unaware of that and be able to be like, no, no, no, no, his things are bullshit, he's a Muslim, blah, blah, blah. They're like, I have no problem with him being black. He's a fucking Muslim, he's this, he's that.


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[Assistant] That's a wild, that's a wild thing to have on. That's a wild thought helmet to have on. To just subconsciously just fucking hate black people.


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[Assistant] No, that's true, but if it comes down to it. Like I knew- I used to work with guys who like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we'd be working somewhere in Philly. Hot cast. No, listen, I used to work with guys, we'd be working somewhere in Philly, and it was like, all they had to do was drive down Walnut Street to Havertown, so you can cut right through upper Darby, it takes fucking 15 minutes, and this guy was like, no, I'm gonna take 470s, he's got to ask me how to get to like 76, I'm like, dude, just fucking go down Walnut Street, and he was like, I can't stand looking at him, bro.


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[Assistant] I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, I just, I don't wanna drive through that black neighborhood, I gotta take the highway. And I'd be like, what the?


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[Assistant] Yeah, any form of entertainment. The uh, the Grammys were last night. Oh my god, oh my god. I watched that. Grammys, Grammys so male, dude. Grammys. Grammys so male. It was too male for me. So male, dude.


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[Assistant] She alleges that her sound engineer raped her or sexually abused her in some capacity.


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[Assistant] It's that put as nicely as possible to be like, I hope you pray and have a change of heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all the divas joined her on stage.


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[Assistant] Yeah, imagine if he was just like, nice.


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[Assistant] Well dude, so I watched that this morning and I was like, I'm fucking sick of this Hollywood bullshit. And then you watch, did you see the Nassar stuff? Larry Nassar, the doctor. The gymnast. There was like 150 girls who came in and were just like, you abuse me, you abuse me. The lady sends them to like 150 years, 175 years.


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[Assistant] That's the instinct, especially when you see Hollywood. For some reason, when Hollywood takes up a cause, I'm like, I instantly am like, ugh, no.


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[Assistant] That's the thing about it too, to where like, I mean dude, a year ago, a year ago though,


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[Assistant] There was people coming out being like, I always believe a woman. And then that kind of, I was like, well, you can't do that. Guess why I have the justice system. And then the conversation is so uncomfortable that it just fades into the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck just came down? I think the, who's the guy the casino mogul just got in trouble for sexual assault allegations and he- I think he's sick of you as a native.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lost like 350, no he's not a native. He lost like 357 million dollars. And since he was a donor, I think he used to like donate money to the RNC. They're like, we'll give back the money he gave you in the RNC. He's like, nah.


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[Assistant] But dude, it's, it's like, they're, it's hitting a point now where it's like, you can't tell me now that it's like, if you want to dismantle, if you're, if you're Democrats and it's like,


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[Assistant] Those, the politicians aren't being like, well is it right to kind of allege stuff? I'm not saying they're doing it, I don't know, but it's definitely usable to be like.


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[Assistant] I can't think of how to say it, but it's like a commoditized, it's like a commodity now of like, oppression, fighting oppression, it's like something you can sell now.


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[Assistant] When you watch something, that's the split of it for me. It's like, well that was my big, uh, Z's and sorry beef. It's like, there's women who get raped and it's absolutely horrific. They get raped, you know, whatever happens it's horrible and then it's like, and then you get that girl against a Z's and sorry who was like, I was on a date and


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[Assistant] Because I thought I'd have a famous boyfriend and everyone would be jealous of me. And then it didn't pan out the way I wanted it. And I'm just going to say that I was uncomfortable and kind of assinuate that he sexually assaulted me. And that's, when people, if you're like, that's bullshit. People are like, well, fuck you, you don't know anything. And it's like, you're just watering down a rape dialogue to where people who got raped are like, no, that you're not, that's not the same thing. You can't do that.


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[Assistant] And that's right, I don't know what Kesha's thing was, like did she get date raped? I have no idea.


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[Assistant] She did. That's all that matters now. That you put on a sick performance at the Grammys.


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[Assistant] Whenever I say I saw a sex tape with like a pop star, I instantly am like, how old was she in that tape?


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[Assistant] I mean, I'd be pissed. I don't know though, if someone fucking was like putting my head on Lexington Steel and it was just me, I'd pay to actually just have like, put me on Evan Stone dude and just watch me fucking work. Well, you're not a hot lady.


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[Assistant] Can you imagine that? Just having like, or putting like my head on Buck Angel's body and watching me work. That is a funny thing.


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[Assistant] Some guy, there was a dude in California recently who outlawed giving plastic straws out. Fuck it. Unless requested.


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[Assistant] So we outlawed it and if you get, so if you, if I, if you had a burger place and I walked in and ordered and then you just gave me a plastic straw without me asking, in the bill it was a misdemeanor so you could face a thousand dollar fine and up to six months in prison. So this dude came out and fought against it, this Republican guy, and was basically saying like it's ridiculous, blah blah blah, and at the end he was like, this is the last straw, kill the


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, dude, that goes back to my theory. It's like, like, uh, when you watch those things of like, like the Kurdistan cabinet and they're always brawling and shit, they're just behind like 60 fucking years, dude. Yeah, of course. That's what they used to do. They used to get so mad and be like, whoo, whoo, whoo, and start fucking fighting.


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[Assistant] Dude, back then you could, it was like still kind of acceptable to have duels.


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[Assistant] Andrew Jackson, dude, was a wild man. He doled out. He would like stab people with, he had like a sword cane, he would like stab people, and then just like go, and they'd be like, you stabbed a guy with a cane, and they'd be like, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's such a weird place to be in, cause my gut, when I see all this stuff for some reason, it's probably because I'm a chauvinist.


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[Assistant] I watch it and I'm like, shut the fuck up. It's like, if Kesha got raped, obviously condolences, but when I see it put into a weird...


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[Assistant] This is fucking weird. Is this maybe, maybe gonna, I don't know. It's like again, you have the Nassar thing where it's like, yeah, it's good someone blew the whistle and you know, busted his ass, but are there going to be weird little girls out there being like, this is how you get famous?


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[Assistant] There's a lot of stuff with DHS where like, no one, no one even talks about this either, where like, girls will just be like, to get back at dudes, will just throw out shit like, oh, he's sexually abusing the daughter. And then DHS goes and investigates and they're like, yeah, he's definitely not. Cause...


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[Assistant] That's what you're talking about. That's what ladies, dude, and then they just skate. And that happens, they, they, they can do it like three times before someone's like, hey, knock that off.


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[Assistant] I know that your, uhm, your instincts, your racial joke instincts.


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[Assistant] It is, but it's tough. It's a fucking tightrope. It's a high wire.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well it's funny because black comedians will just do that in a positive light.


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[Assistant] Like, black, hacky comics do just, if you flip them around, like, oh, that's really racist judge. It's just something my dad would say. Exactly. Which proves Thomas Sowell's point, dude.


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[Assistant] What? Black rednecks, white liberals. You call my dad a black redneck? No, no, no.


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[Assistant] Saying Thomas Sowell, the fucking intellectual, was saying that a lot of black popular culture right now is taken from- I think you should do it.


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[Assistant] Yep, and that's what you don't tell me. And that's from, uh, there is definitely the underground network of like old white guys.


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[Assistant] You just had Obama climb in the Empire State Building with little swastika shooting at him out of the sky. I am, I am sick though of people being total pussies about race right now. It sucks. It sucks so fucking bad. Yeah. Especially like I said, watching


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[Assistant] And I'm not throwing this in here strategically, but like, having a black, like last night I went to that open mic, and my haters are there, dude, I know my haters are there, and I'll go out and be like, hey, I see you guys, and they're just kind of like, you know, they're like, bleh. Then they're like, when I'm there with Brittany, they like look at her and they're like, hey, what's going on? And it's like, you have to emphatically say hi to this chick because he's black.


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[Assistant] Dude, it was sick. I was grabbing her ass last night in there. I was grab- I was grabbing on my bae. I just said a bunch of like misogynistic shit on stage. You got off and just squeezed her ass and was like, what's up baby?


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[Assistant] Well, if you're like a Roman, like, uh, if you're like in a harem and you're like paid


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[Assistant] And dude, to be fair to him, it's like... It was a trap, dude. It's just, it's...


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[Assistant] Whether it was conscious or not, it was a tit trap. I think it was, but I can't, you know, whether it was conscious or not, it was designed, if you're a man and you're seeing someone laying there, it was designed in a way that you would go, she looks nice. Just tits, like you just see tits, and it's just the fucking reality of the situation.


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[Assistant] If I fucking took a, so if I did a video in like tight sweatpants and I had like a nice little semi going and I was like laying like face down on the bed


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[Assistant] Exactly. So that's the, and that's the thing, and it just sucks cause like even people who are like, like I'd love to give people truth serum, who are like, why don't you fucking leave her alone? It's like, dude you watched that video and you're like, damn look at her tits. You definitely did dude. Get the fuck outta here.


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[Assistant] There's no way you just, there's no way you watch that and didn't for a split second go like, woah nice angle.


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[Assistant] I mean, dude, if you go on YouTube, they put like thumbnail pics over videos exactly set up like that to get visual attention. Yeah. So it's like,


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[Assistant] Don't even think about, dude. Like, it's just weird, cause like,


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[Assistant] You can't, it's such a visual trap. Huge tits are a visual trap. If I see them, it's all camel toes.


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[Assistant] I mean, I give a fuck, I don't want people not to like me because I like everyone, but it's like camel toes and big tits. If I see them, it's literally all I can look at.


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[Assistant] Of course. Dude, and when people are like, well then you're just culturally poor. Dude, when I was eight years old, I've talked about this before, my ski instructor, I was skiing at Big Boulder. My parents ditched me and were like, you go to ski school and they just like fucked around all day. So I was going down this lady's pants split and I could see her panties. Dude, I'm eight years old and that's all I could look at.


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[Assistant] I mean, you can't be just unresponsibly wielding titties around like that, dude. If I just fucking drive on the wrong side of the lane, dude, it's like, yo, gimme


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[Assistant] Damn, I didn't even think about that. Yea, that was hilarious. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] The funny thing is, is like, why would you like that?


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[Assistant] Why? I mean the same thing happens to me with tipping. If I go, like if there's like, if I go into like a coffee shop and it's like a hot barista lady.


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[Assistant] I thoughtlessly am like two bucks, three bucks. Like I just have the same thing with it. Yeah, dude. If I'm, if I'm checking out at like Target.


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[Assistant] I'm checking out a target. I just look for the hottest cashier and I get in her line. No matter how long it is, I'm just like, Oh, there's a hot chick. And I just get into her line. Yeah. Well, they're nice. Yeah.


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[Assistant] They actually, yea, they usually are. But it's funny to see a hot chick on Instagram, and like, it doesn't benefit you in any way to like it, but you're just like, I gotta double tap that, I have to let her know that I'm with this picture.


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[Assistant] It's funny to think about Facebook and Instagram as like this weird ecosystem of just like buttons and clicks that are totally arbitrary. To where it's like, when I would go on Facebook and write a status,


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[Assistant] I would check back 10 minutes later, if I got like, high likes, I'd be like, fuck yeah dude. And then I'd be like, let me swing over to fucking Twitter, and I'd be like, ooh, a retweet? Alright. I'd be like, I'm fucking killing it today.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but it's just weird to think that like your day, your mood can be ruled by like that little icon of a globe lighting up and you're like, Ooh, a lot of notifications. Ooh, I got a lot of likes. And it's like.