[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this was when he moved, it was, it was five points. It was fucking, it was Gangs of New York. It was when he got there. Yeah, that's when he got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feel it. Cause it'll suck if we, you know, if we make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's in New York, and then what happened? Uh, he's, you know. Fascinating. Oh, he's basically like a con. He starts hitting the road, doing gigs, doing like, selling out theaters, talking. Just talking? Just giving speeches, getting people fired up. At what point did he become a lawyer? Uh, that was back, I think back in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] San Fran? Well he was studying to become a lawyer when he was younger, before he got into the revolutionary stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he was famous, that's the thing, like, while you're reading this, it doesn't, cause you've never heard of him, no one's ever fucking heard of this guy, but he was like world famous. How did you hear about him? Uh, just, um, book, just had a book about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many pages? Uh, it's short. It's not bad. How many? Three hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, a really wild part is before he, before the Civil War breaks out in America, him and his wife, his new wife, who was like a New York royalty Protestant, so that was kind of weird. Her family hated him. It was pretty interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were getting like uncomfortable with his shitty life of just doing fucking road gigs. Moved to, they go down to Costa Rica and he tries to set up a deal for like a, uh, you know, a railroad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he, but he was, he was kind of like torn before the war as to which side. With the north and south, wow! What, was he pro-slavery? No, but the north...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking hated the Irish a lot. I know. And the Irish people thought black people were gonna take their germs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're pissed about that. Yep. And then his boy Mitchell, this guy named Mitchell, who he was close friends with in Ireland and Tasmania, uh, moved to Tennessee and was like very, very pro. Confederacy. Confederacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he said once the war broke out, uh, because the south initiated it, he was like, we're going union on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're doing good. We're joint forces. Yeah. And we're fucking it up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you took a, the photo was outside. Nice rustic. Yeah. Yeah. That was in Dillsburg, PA. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot believe I'm not wearing one right now. It's almost non-stop. I'm obsessed with Notre Dame. No, I get it. Notre Dame is, have you ever been? Yea, I go out every year. To watch a football game? Yea. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandpa played, I mean, we should have done a history of hyenas on him, he had a funny- Yo, your grandpa played for Notre Dame? Yea, and he cracked his skull. Wow. In 1930, and they were like, we gotta hold you- he got held out of a game for concussions in 1930. He had a career ending head injury.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, back then they wore like the leather helmets, so I was like, yeaah. He got fucked up. And, uh, he ended up definitely having CTE. So, I found this article like this year. Why he killed your family? What happened? He was just beating the shit out of people left and right. Your grandmother got it bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet she did. I don't know. I haven't heard any stories about this. But, uh, he was just beating the f- every story I've ever heard about my grandpa was just him fighting people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he had CTE in the fifties, so no one knew what was going on. Did he die early too? Yea, he had a heart attack, and then the way he died was when he woke up from surgery, he tried to fight the fucking doctors and nurses, his heart exploded. Really? Yea. Oh my god. No one knew it was CTE.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to fix my career. Did you see the way they eulogized fucking Don Imus? His obituary, I mean, not eulogy. His obituary in like the New York Times was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Racist, homophobic. Yeah. Trailer dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, Jesus Christ dude, I better put together a career. Or my fucking obituary is just gonna be like, you remember that racist? He fucking died. That felt like a shot at me. Don Imus, who pushed boundaries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't seem spooked at all. I wouldn't say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. You don't see- That's the type of thing, see? I'm very woke. Uh, no, I just, yeah, I never really- What am I gonna be, mad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. At who? This shit, I knew this shit sucked. Right. Yeah. Dude, the whole time I was getting hired, I was like, this is gonna suck. You knew something was coming. You can ask anyone that fucking talked to me before that, I was like, this is not gonna go great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, very quickly, it all happened between- Like in a few days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like two, no, no, no, like two weeks from my audition to getting the call that I got the job. Probably was two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the callback was cool because it's in, you go and you meet everybody. So it's just, it was me and like three improv kids, which I know- Where was the initial audition? That was on the stage. That was on the main stage. You auditioned on the stage. Audition number one? That was, they were just at JFL and- They just saw you? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Got it. Well it wasn't just for me. That's just the audition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can barely see, but you can see his face. Right. Cause they're in the dark, kinda. And the whole room's empty. It's fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 12? 12, so it's, it's, it's, people have the bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could see people getting off stage. Cause there was probably like 25 other people there auditioning. You could tell when people bombed. Cause you weren't in the room. You weren't allowed to see anything. The only time I saw the stage was when I was walking out to go onto the stage. Which was fucking nuts. And that was the first time I saw Lorne. He was just sitting at a table to the right with like all the producers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't that nervous going into it because I was like, there's no way, there's no way I'm gonna get on this fucking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the whole time I was like, I don't even want, like this shi- I don't, I don't know if I want this, cause of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the direction of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy. And then I was just like, alright, I'll just go do that. And I started to walk out. But then once you start to walk out, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daaamn, this is the coolest fucking thing in the world. Yeaah. Like, cause it's on the main stage where they do the monologue. Right. That's where you're standing. Right. You walk out, you pull out the mic, and then there's something different. You have to introduce yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a camera right in your face and a camera to your side and the guy behind the camera just gives you a 3-2-1 and you say hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say your name and then you just fucking stand. You're performing to the camera, not to the crowd. You're performing to the crowd as if the crowd's there, not the table. Not the table of producers and writers. They tell you that. Yes. Yeah. So you gotta act like, which is really hard because you're like looking around the room and then the table laughs and you're like... Yeah, yeah, I know, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it went well, but my fucking, my hand was shaking. Right. Cause of the adrenaline, dude, I haven't had that in forever. Like, you walk out in that room and it's like, holy fuck, this is crazy. So my hand was fucking shaking. Enough that I had to put the mic against like, my chin. Right. To try to keep my hands steady. But, uh, I thought I didn't have it and then I ran into Che that night and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were, I was like, damn, my fucking hand was shaking the whole time. Could you see that? And he was like, you were easily the most calm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go in, you meet everybody in the office to see if, like, you would get along with everybody. And then, uh, me and three other people were in there. So then, then you go back into Lauren's, like, waiting area and you sit there and they, like, kind of intentionally make it. Everything is very intentionally, like, stressful and fucking very up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, cause it's live in front of millions. They need to see if you're not a psycho that's gonna freak out. Uh, which they got it wrong. So you're in there waiting and like, I was with these three improv kids and they're sitting there talking about like how much they hated Chappelle's special. It was just like, we're not gonna get along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then he went one by one meeting with them like quick. One of them he didn't even fucking meet after we waited for three hours. What? One of them was like, they were like, actually you can just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was tough. That was a tough one to watch. Wow. Yeah. And then once he met with everybody, they kept me for like an extra hour by myself. While I was sitting there, I was like, fuck, I definitely got it. Like I'm definitely gonna get it. Cause everybody else was just two minutes. Everybody was just five minutes, five minutes, five minutes, all three of them. And then I was the last one to go and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you sit here for a while and meet, like I was just sitting there with the staff. And I was like, I probably got it. I go in and meet him. He's the fucking man. Lord Michaels is the fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I either got, I knew I was either gonna write or cast. Right. And then I, and then later you get the phone call and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The assistant being like, Lauren's on. Yeah. And then you go to Lauren. And then what does he say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, he didn't say that. That was like, uh, not even a, no, because if you, yea, that wasn't a real quote, no. Somebody from SNL had said that, which is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wasn't, cause I mean they saw my stand up, it wasn't conservative. I did a joke about Trump getting shot being funny in my audition. I also said Trump was funnier than everybody in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's how comedy bubbles burst. You get enough people that are like, why am I not on that stage? And they start complaining and then, you know, people get forced into putting them on stages and then comedy sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, Trump's creating jobs. Trump's going to bring those jobs back. Get them in factories. Yeaah. These hipsters, get them in the fucking factory. Get them in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Good. Put shitty people in comedy. It's good for me. I love following.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's what happened. He fell off a boat. And all Mike's, was he drunk? Allegedly. But no one knows. No one knows if he was fasting. I think he was, he had diarrhea, dude. He did? He had re-leading up to that for a while. He had to stop. He made the boat stop. He took a dump. Really? And he fell off a fucking boat. Don't get on a boat. Don't get on the ferry. Interesting. Well, I'm plugged up right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He fought in Antietam? Antietam. Well, Fredericksburg was a little sketchy. He fucking had a knee injury when the boys went up without him. Was it Fredericksburg or Charlottesville? Fredericksburg is where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was at the bloody corner at Antietam, which was where like the fiercest, like bodies on bodies type, nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, and then at Shane M. Gillis on everything. Or just, you know, Time Magazine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I guess, yeaah. Oh well, well thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember Joey Schazzola used to say, if you saw a disembodied vagina, he's an open mic'er guy, but one of his jokes I remember, if you saw a disembodied vagina on the street as a kid, you'd pick it up with a stick and chase your friends with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He turned out to be, uh, not only gay, but, uh, mentally ill, violently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has a really long vagina. No one's ever said that. They say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lubricant that they used in 1981 when I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but how does law transcend nature?


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[Assistant] And it's demeaning to women where you go, oh, a 15 year old girl isn't as smart as a 15 year old boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To say, oh a 15 year old boy fucked a 25 year old teacher, he's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, what happens is we treat adults like children for too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When nature says you can have a baby at 12 or 13,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't teach kids that.


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[Assistant] You have a weird, awkward, I said we earlier, I mean you, I don't have fucking kids because I'm a responsible adult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't tell your fucking kids what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's gonna ask your weirdest childhood stories, but mine are all in my book. This is one of those books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm just watching them. It was a nice fact. I'm gonna tell you right now, and I was hoping I would not be drunk enough to say this, I fucking hate when people put any kind of television on at the fun house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm sitting behind the bar, when you put on whatever we were watching, the fucking maid was here, you're trying to talk to her about, oh, this is a really funny movie, and she was disinterested and left. Old school. Yeah, I know, but I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's it. Like, hockey's on, so you have something to look at when you're bored with Derek's conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As, as, as you will see, this bar was built for football, cause this used to be just a football room. So this is all for people to watch TV. It's not a good thing. We should have a horseshoe shape for socializing, but we didn't socialize. We watched football and then I didn't talk to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so when you put on a fucking movie, no, that's bedtime. I didn't, I didn't put it on. Well, you did. You put on old school and I'm, I'm calling you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, yeaah. I'm not, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a fan of movies. You don't like movies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else do you hate? Music? I'm a fan now. We'll get to that tomorrow. Now that I know Nickelback, I know everything about music. And we'll have that podcast tomorrow. Or another day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your goddamn pizza ruined everything.


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[Assistant] But we were, like, we had a fucking thing going after that last podcast. Let's keep talking, cause we had a- Look, we're talking about some shit. We're doing well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way, you can't call him from your phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right. You'd also need to put headphones on. That's right. Yeaah, like fucking headphones. Yeaah, it's not worth it. DeRosa's... Well, just name, let's name drop everyone we were gonna drugtile. Roseanne! I'm like, I'm afraid, I'm afraid to... Save it for the drugtile podcast. I know! I'm just, I'm throwing those out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cheese dick thing about Impractical Jokers is the setups. Hi, we're gonna do this. You fast forward through that. And then the fucking show is the only comedy show that I record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Takes me out of any hangover. The worst I feel about myself, I laugh my ass off every fucking time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episodes I've watched repeatedly, I still laugh because I forget them. Impractical Jokers is the only comedy show. I was just talking about that with Officer Bob Friendly earlier. South Park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes it's on and I'm like, oh fuck, I want to watch all of this. I don't think to record it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, what, uh, do you watch any comedy that's like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, a lot of times we ramp shit up for the podcast. Like, alright, nothing happened yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I said to him today. I said, uh, it's got a lot more legs than flat earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know how I met Officer Bob Friendly in 2016 when Bingo and I broke up temporarily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He heard about it and he'd only been here for police calls and he heard about it and showed up and said, hey, I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might be going through a tough time and I just wanted to check in on you. He's that sweet. Sweet guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just edited myself. Oh. I can never get cancelled. I say that a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've, uh, again, no names, but I've, I know comics that put, uh, this is, uh, too dirty for fucking everything. You know, it's, it's jokes. It's jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, because they're jokes. It's not taking it to stand point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just, uh, I was bringing up Dwight York jokes. And I'm only saying this in case Dwight York is still out there somewhere listening. He was, uh, he was like a, like a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Mitch Hedberg, but kinda only had like four notes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just, I don't know why I went to this, but I went to something so there was no dead air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a guy with a sign said, we'll work for food. So I gave him a coconut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Officer Bob Friendly brought like something up and I go, oh, that's like a Dwight York joke. Dwight, if you're out there listening, I hope you're still doing it. I hope you found a fifth note.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're kind of a freak of nature in this town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're, you're a comedian that's known. People wanna come look at the Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always better. That's why I said we should do a fake podcast before every podcast because then we get into the mood to talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Freak show. I'm gonna go see the freak show. Yeaah, I'm a boring guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking, I'm a panhandling whore. Now, I told Bingo today, I go, do you realize you're the breadwinner in the family now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neighbor Dave, Derek, I could go down the line of houses of people that are on disability. That's the main source of income here. Is it government? I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has been for a course of years. It's not a pandemic thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She told you about Kenny and Derek and he met Kenny. Was he everything you pictured? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Ken. I mean, they're both. How's he holding up? Caricatures. I don't know, he had, he had gray hair. He had a, he's almost mullet-ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, he's, everyone's bored. Fucking, we'd see the uphill Kim and Dave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We hate, like, one of the benefits of the pandemic was they get stuck here. Cause they, they're seasonal. So yea, they usually go home beginning of April and now they get stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You met Andrew. I met Jobe. I met Kenny. You met Chad just via Skype. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, I talked to her today, bingo went down and showed off her outfit and had cocktails from the street. Yeah, we're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we were, we were givin' on you behind your back. What? Me and, uh, officer Bob Friendly, he goes, yeah, I, I, I don't tan, I just sunburn. And he's not like you. I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kid lays out up on the deck and he's just gonna freckle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the same time, I, I worry as a good host.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to cook food for you, I don't want to bother you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just get it out of the way and then we can be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got me into the, when I was living up in Tucson, she got me into the tanning place, so I get some fucking man panties, like manties, like some fucking tanning, and I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to talk him into, when I dyed the fucking hair, I go, you're next. He's like, no. And Chaley had already told me, he goes, cause he's listened to your podcast. He goes, his dad would beat the fuck out of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, would you back down from Big J? He's big. No. Then call him Big J for a reason. I'm bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're bigger than Big J? I never, like, just sizing you up with Officer Bob Friendly, I go, no, no maid, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, uh, outsize. I'm big, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] B&D hardware and get one that fucking fits. Can't spend fucking $4.99 for all we've done for you? I don't mind. I might be drunk. Yeah. Oh wait, I started this drunk. I'll leave tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Todd Glass, at the beginning of this somewhere, I thought Todd Glass and I were gonna be friends. And I told him that on the podcast. And then, then it drifted off. It's funny. And I thought fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Todd Glass, I just used using as an example


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who aren't really gonna be my friends, like Shane Gillis, who's probably gonna leave my house. And I'm all alone, and I'm drunk, and we do podcasts, but no one listens. We're fucking speaking into the ether? Isn't that a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tracy just verified that's an actual expression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, Shane Gillis came out, he was gonna be my friend, I have no friends, and I thought you and I were gonna be close, and I think it's trailing off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully the pandemic is trailing off and friendship is- Alright, I'll stop calling you. Tracy says stop calling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I enjoyed that because, because you have been somewhat timid and I had to explain that to officer Bob Friendly, who came over to apologize and I said no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, are we joining, darling? Yeaah, it's about time. I'm going, uh, I'll go Roseanne right away. Oh shit, well can we both be connected? Hang on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every morning we go, we should never do this. So if we're in the mood, let's do it. Call Sal. Let's not, let's not do people that we'll be ashamed of. Sal is good. So hook up to Roadcaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, bluetooth pairing, okay. I'm gonna text those motherfuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike from Nickelback? No, he's already asleep at 9.30. Uh, you're athlete.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Dad, that's my old phone. Fuck. Fuck me. It's uh, fucking inside? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tracy and I are like Sam and Diane where I have erectile dysfunction and she has a dried out powdered pussy and we don't really care to do any of that. But I'm in love with her like that. Chaley knows that it's in my book. You should read it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the title is? Man, that's a- Neither do I! That's a tough ask. I can watch a special- Oh, April Madison. Read a book? Fuck it, I'm calling April Madison, it's way too late to call her. I don't, I don't know who that is. She's a local weather lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 6pm. I can hook two phones up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my new special, Gay Cousin Eric. That's why we call him Gay Cousin Eric. Cause I was doing the Tom Green show. Uh, save it. CV Answers. You wanna CV Answers? Hold on, I gotta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you stink at this. You could call him Mamu.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you calling? Let's see if Tom answered. That's what we do when we get drunk is get mean. No, we get friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom, take my car. I better take my car. He's in my old phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's perfect. You're ready to go. I wish we could merge the two so we could be on your thing while you're on our thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We live in a tiny little town and nothing ever changes here. So I have no idea what goes on in the outside world and I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't like it at all. Tom, I watched his, I watched his new special, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's an old special. A new special is an old special. Cause that's shit you already filmed. And you're tired of doing it and that's why you filmed it. And now you have to come up with new shit. And I don't have really anything to say to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, hey, Tom, Tom, Tom, wait, wait, wait, wait, I was telling you a story before Tom answered the phone on the new special, Gay Cousin Eric?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay cousin Eric got named because I did the Tom Green show during the Man Show days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gay cousin Eric was like a teenager at that time and he came out to visit me in LA and he watched me on the Tom Green show and Tom said what are you doing? And I said I'm just hanging out with my gay cousin Eric because I knew gay cousin Eric's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My manager, we were doing just for spite, cause, uh, and my manager found the closest establishment to, I don't know if it was the Delta Lounge or whatever, where all the after parties were, the closest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Delta, this car wash was right across the street. He found it on Google Earth search, rented it out just to do a fuck with you party.


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[Assistant] I don't have that much spite anymore. I'm old.


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[Assistant] No, I actually, that's one bit that I think I might film during the pandemic here at the Fun House.


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[Assistant] And I want to get it out of my act, so I think I might film this right here.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the king of Thailand, and I want to blame him for the whole pandemic. It's a good time.


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[Assistant] Wait, no, no, no, we have the ambassador, he'll tell you you're perfectly safe to go. No, I'm not, no, I'm not gonna try to do the bit, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm definitely already doubled down on never being able to go back to Thailand, but fuck the king of Thailand.


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[Assistant] He can't cook, he's 32 years old, he can't make a fucking sandwich.


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[Assistant] My, my maid made it poorly. She's a 22 year old girl who wears daisy dupes and does fucking on her hands.


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[Assistant] I was, uh, booked for Skankfest South as a fan. And then I had to cancel it cause I thought, oh, I only have a short time to finish my book. And if I come back from Skankfest, that's a week hangover and I canceled it and then they canceled it anyway. So I felt good.


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[Assistant] Cause we've been making up weird recipes in like a rationing sense. Have you cooked anything weird?


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[Assistant] You're the best dude, I love you man. I'd love to say that you're the last drunk tile we're gonna make tonight. Cause you're the only one that answered. You're the best.


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[Assistant] It's one to zero. It's one to nothing. It's one to nothing. Sorry, I already called Rogan and I forgot to connect to Bluetooth. You gotta connect.


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[Assistant] In, in the new phone. Connect. No, I'm connecting. You're talking.


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[Assistant] That I have two, in my new phone I have two, why do I have two Rogan, just delete the Rogan new if I have Rogan newer.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not scared. I-I-I don't think it'll pick up, but...


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[Assistant] Ooh, ooh, ooh, new newest. Alright, alright, I'm gonna try to fucking one-up you one more time. Call Norm McDonnell.


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[Assistant] I'll give you, I'll give you the orbs. I'm nobody in this, oh wow. But, fucking let's go, let's go hard.


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[Assistant] I tried the other numbers. No, I'm fucked. You're fucked. I have nothing. One nothing. Junked out, I guess.


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[Assistant] Well that was round one, one nothing in the series. How many of yours didn't answer? Sal? Jay?


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[Assistant] Big J being dosed with elephants. I know, I know. It's, I haven't felt that guilty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All day yesterday, dude, I felt like I'm so, I still haven't talked to him. He still hasn't talked to me. I'm pretty sad about it. It's well, it's really, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, well I whispered, alright, alright, so I get there, everybody was going down to the stand with the intention of getting fucked up. Like, DeRosa, on the way there, he called me and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Norman's coming, we're all going to get, like it was just like, we all, you know, it's one of those nights where everybody kind of had the idea of we're going to get, this is going to be an ugly night. And, uh, so it was fun. It was rowdy. It was a very fun night. Um, but when I got there, I saw this, you know, I saw a guy hand LSD to Lewis. I was like, Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I've never done it. I was like, this is a little wild. And uh,


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[Assistant] Then, Lewis, Lewis like, Lewis is an idiot. So, he was...


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[Assistant] He looked at me and was like, I'm going to dose Ari. Don't tell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, Oh, okay. I won't tell him. And I immediately walked over and told him, I was like, yeah, Lewis is going to try to dose you. Uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy's getting dosed, I mean with the plan of obviously giving it back to Lewis. Like sneaking it back to Lewis, dosing Lewis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, while we're sitting there, I see it. I see the cup of beer. I didn't know when it was going to happen or where it was going to happen. Right when I sit down, Ari like kind of points to his beer and there's a tab of acid just sitting on, in the foam. And I was like, all right, that's the one. And then, uh, here's where it got sad because Jay, Jay's been having a rough week or two. You know, I got yanked off stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yeah, but they're also the funniest. So he pulls Jay off stage and Jay lands on him. And I mean, hilarious. And then Lewis comes out and beats him up. So Lewis gets all the credit. Lewis is the hero. Jay's a victim. So it's kind of, it's a shitty look for Jay. That sucks. Uh, especially cause Lewis then was like, yeah, I'm the best. But uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, uh, the fucking Jay is talking last week and Lewis ruins the 76ers game for him that he was recording, uh, just a pretty consistent level of L's over and over again. And then he got last place in the election. He got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10% of the vote, which is crazy. I mean, he got like, you get like people like, it was almost like actively disliked him.


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[Assistant] Jay loses and he gets up to give his concession speech. Such a funny time to dose him. So he's up in front of everybody accepting his loss. And then I just watch Ari put that cup right in front of Jay. And I was just like, Oh dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before we do, I do want to say I agree with almost the same thing where like if I was talking to Jay, which, you know, he's, I would text him and be like, yeah, it is fucked up. Sorry. I'm sorry. Like I feel, I felt horrible, but then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's also a part of me and I've been wrong about this to literally everybody I've talked to where I was like, if I was the one who got dosed, I think I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay with it. And that, that was funny. But.


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[Assistant] Everybody, literally every single person I've talked to have been like, oh no, I'd be furious. I'd be furious. Everybody.


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[Assistant] It's like, oh man. There was one part, there was one part during-


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[Assistant] Where Lewis was like, no, that's like some really strong acid. And I was just like, Oh fuck dude. Cause it was while they were talking about Ari being ghost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Louis was making fun of me. He was like, that's some strong shit. And I was just like, Oh fuck, Jay has it. This is not good. This is, Oh, I told Soder and Soder was like, Soder was like devastated. He was like, Oh my God, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And it was too late. I mean, he already, he already had drank it. So soda was just like, Oh dude, this is going to be bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took, at the end of it, I drank it. Cause I did kind of feel bad. I was like, I'll do it with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said we could have fun, but you know, he left and then I was just on acid for the first time in my life. I forgot. I forgot I took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was drinking and then I was sitting outside and somebody just went like this, like in front of my face while we were talking and I was just like, Oh man, do that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta see that, and they did it again, and I was like, oh fuck, I forgot about this. So I text Ari, cause he was downstairs, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, are you, I think that acid worked. Are you feeling this? And he was like, no, I'm fine. And then a minute later he was like, oh, nevermind. Yeah, it's, it's very strong. And uh, it was, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In general, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Uh, yeah, and Jay, like...


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[Assistant] I don't know, it's, it's, obviously it's not for me to ever say like, oh come on. It's like dude, he's never done that drug and then he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like rape, dude. He was like, what?


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[Assistant] He's like, are you, someone took advantage of me? What? And it was just like, yeah, your closest friends. Anyway. Yeah. But go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but well, that's the, and here's what sucks the most for me is Jay and Christine have helped me out. They've always helped me out. They were like, they like brought me into the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I'm the, I'm the new guy in the group and then to betray Jay who's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a real fucked up move for like me to jump in and be like, yeah, fuck you. And you know, he brought me in.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I, yeah, I agree. And that's, I totally agree. It's their thing. It's like pro wrestling, that show where it's like, this is crazy. This is fucking crazy. Oh shit. They're going to do this. They're going to do this. So, I mean, it's fun. It's fun to be a part of. I don't know if I could do it every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot, but it is very fun. I do. Yeah. I love that show. I love doing this game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they also, these are, these dorks like sit there and look at leisure skanks and they're like, Oh, these guys are actually Nazis. And it's like, shut the fuck up. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Uh, yeah, I mean, I'm just, just gonna keep doing stand-up and I mean, whatever. I didn't get into this to do sitcoms. You know, I got into this because I wanted to do stand-up. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I can, if I can do that, that'd be great. It's funny. I was talking to Soda last night. I was, I was driving home, coming down from Legion of Skanks, that fucking anxiety. And I was just like, I don't know if I can get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like one of those moments, like for the most part, I'm very confident about it. And then every once in a while I'll have enough of a hangover to be like, man, I think I'm fucked. Call Soder and be like, how the fuck am I going to get on the special dude? I'm never gonna, I think I'm going to be a fucking podcasting YouTube dude the rest of my life. And he's like, ah, you'll be all right. So I mean, the doubt creeps in for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I got. That's all I got is underarmored coaches polos. So wait, tell me about the hockey teams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well I played, I played football growing up, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sucked. I, well, I played, I went to army. I got a scholarship. Well, not everybody gets a scholarship, but I went to play football at army and then I quit right away. And then I played one year of one AA college football, but I've always just, my whole family has been like, this is.


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[Assistant] It's just a Notre Dame picture in our basement framed. That's a very important thing. I met my parents. Uh, my whole family's...


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[Assistant] Yeah, just football. Cousin played at a Notre Dame. Everybody's obsessed.


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[Assistant] We're all huge offensive linemen, big fat white guys that claim to be athletes. It's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, I always loved it. Dude, truthfully I remember in like, I think it was like 7th or 8th grade, probably like 8th or 9th grade watching fucking Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook's half hours on Comedy Central and I was like, those guys rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you get older and you're like, oh man, you know, it's an eighth grade, but those Dane Cooks half hour fucking murdered. His comedy central. I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you? Yea, I went to dinner with him after that. I mean, it was, it's still, it's still awesome, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, I remember, uh, always liking it, always liking it, and then, yeah, while I was, it was actually while I was at West Point, I was like standing there, cause you gotta like stand, all you do is stand at West Point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stand at fucking attention and sit there. And I was like, if I do quit this, I'm going to try to try to do comedy. And I did. So.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and it turns out I didn't even want that. That sucked.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's embarrassing to quit, but it's the easiest thing in the world to quit.


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[Assistant] Cause it's like, yeah, I mean, it's fucking bootcamp and all you have to do is say, yeah, I'd rather go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they make it difficult for you to quit. They try to keep you. They, like, you gotta interview every single person.


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[Assistant] West Point's, uh, it's a little north of New York City, like an hour north. It's the United States Military Academy. It's...


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[Assistant] It's an officer training school, so it's, it's purely, yes, it's the army. It's the, like, it's bootcamp.


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[Assistant] No, it's a little softer. It's a little easier. Cause it's for officers. It's for dorks. It's for kids who got like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, really good SAT scores. You have to be smart. You gotta get like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A congressman to recommend you for the school, like it's a very elite school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so I mean, like, it wasn't that physically demanding. Now granted, I was like 300 pounds. I was playing offensive line. So bootcamp's hard when you're a big guy, but you can just not do shit. And they're like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go on like a nine mile jog. I'd just be like, alright, I'm going to walk this stretch. They'd just be like, alright, fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, everybody. I had teammates. I had like dudes I got recruited with that I was like starting to become good friends with. I was like, nevermind dude, I'll never see you again. I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember while I was quitting, this one kid.


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[Assistant] This black dude from Texas that played defensive end that me and him were, were, were pals on our recruiting trips and we were, we were like, this will be cool. We're going to be friends, all this. And then he watched me quit. He was like standing at attention when I was walking out and I genuinely remember him being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like shaking his head while he was at attention. Like he was like shaming me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, DeRosa brought this up when I was talking about the dosing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, yeah, you're 32. If I was 32, I'd be like, yeah, that's a fun night. And I was like, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay, that Ari got dosed. Cause Jay was like, why is everybody laughing? I was like, Louis put acid in, which is, you know, another Judas move. Cause I knew it was in Jay's fucking drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First dude, dude, I told him, I was like, Louis put acid in Ari's beer and Jay looked at me and goes, are we safe? And I was just like, oh, fuck dude. I really just betrayed like one of my mentors. Like this guy helped me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a tough one. That hurt. He literally like childlike, are we safe? Cause Jay's such a fucking, he's like a sweet guy. He's the sweetest, nicest dude. And when he said, are we safe? I was just like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This like hurt me, this hurt my, but then I watched him tell.


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[Assistant] Atel, like we were all laughing and then he told Atel and Atel was like, no. He just, I did, he just said no. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that makes sense. No, I'm thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, once, once somebody, once there's like a, you know, a 50 year old, six year old guy being like, no, what are you doing? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of college football teams get in trouble with that.


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[Assistant] But it's cool to watch on the internet sometimes, so I can't shame him.


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[Assistant] I had to speak up. Listener, I'm sorry that Bert just did that. I had to speak up. That ain't right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, you guys have enough fans and you've put out work. So it'll be tough to cancel. It'll be tough to cancel you guys. Uhm, I had nothing. I had no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand up out, nobody, still nobody's really ever seen me do stand up. And so nobody knows if I'm funny or not. So then when a clip like that comes out, everybody's just like, Oh, that guy just sucks. He's like an edgelord who sucks. And you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happens. So when they take it out, like all of a sudden people were acting like that was my material, like a clip that I got fired for. They were like, yeah, it's just not funny. It's like, yeah, I'm not saying it was the greatest thing ever. It was in the, I was a average fucking conversational joke during a podcast. Like it wasn't some genius bit that I worked on that fucked up. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm working on it, but I don't think I give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, especially when you were like, when I was just, I was just so close to things being pretty fucking cool. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's gonna be harder, it's a lot harder to not give a fuck about like, getting cancelled and all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they do hurt, like you, you, I read comments and like articles that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Racist guy. And it's like, ah, that fucking sucks. Like being, ah, see, this is what you're talking about, being candid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course it affects you, and then of course like, it affects like relationships, and like, like dude, if I meet people, and they google me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if you google racist comedian, I come up. Like, it's fucking wild. But-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That being said, there's still, and again, I hate to be the guy that's like, this is an art that I care about. Cause I understand what it is. It's us fucking around, but it's also like something that I am, I care about. So not apologizing and being like, look,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna keep trying, I'm gonna keep doing it and hopefully it, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, we've reached a point where all of a sudden we're judging everybody on, like, I need to have a political platform now. It's like, what are we doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what'd you think? What'd you think? What'd you think was gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Epigenetic, uh, trauma is what that's called. I looked it up. Really? Yeah. If you're, if you're, if your ancestors went through trauma, you have PTSD. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how real that is. In fact, I'm fairly certain that's bullshit, but it makes sense. It makes sense, uh, one generation away, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, first, selfishly, you know, I do the thing internally where I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's the first thing. I keep that to myself. And then, and then I really think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just your own, that's your own ego. That's your own ego. That's not, that has nothing to do with them. I've never, I've never met anybody that's been kid, like, all right, let's talk about Dalia. I've never met him. I heard he murders. I personally thought it was comedy for hot chicks, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no, like everybody that's been at the store, like Tim Dillon was telling me, he was like, guy fucking murders, murders. So it's like.


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[Assistant] Yes, it's not even that it's like 10 percent. It's like 10 fucking people. There's it's it's crazy. And it is scary, I admit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's the other thing. It's also, we're in this industry where man, people are so happy to watch their fucking peers get brought down. Like so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it already, it's funny cause it's like, it's like with coronavirus. It's like, if you get it, you can't get it again. You know, it's like a disease. So I already got the, I'm good. I'm immune. They can take nothing from me. I have nothing like it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I can be like, hey, that's fucked up. That's weird. Uhm, but also sometimes I feel like I'm not, I'm not the right guy to do it. You know, like if somebody's getting in trouble, I think the last person they want on Twitter is for me to come out and defend them and they'll be like, oh, look, the fucking racist guy likes you. You know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's all of a sudden we've gotten to a point where we're pretending all of us aren't very fucked up. Like where it's like you have to be, uh, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Morally correct person at all times in order to do comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Whatever, I don't fucking, I mean you don't, you don't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've heard those stories, but again, I, you know, I started significantly later. Like I started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, yeah, I haven't started doing clubs until like seven, 2017. So like, I haven't, I've only been around the kind of the woke, not woke, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I haven't witnessed it that much, but everybody that's been doing it for a long time has been like, yeah, it could get, it got a little rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was. Were you at the store? Were you passed at the store yet? Oh, not yet. Oh, okay. All right. I was going to be like, damn dude, you could have just been like, you know, I'm at the real one. No, yeah, but there's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a strong theory on this. That was basically their Apollo. All right. They were talking shit. It was a hostile, heated, cause they don't have enough black people over there. So there's, there's clicks of white people in England and Ireland that think they're the toughest. And it's very annoying, dude. They need to get some black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta take a shot down field. It was funny imagining that was the British Apollo. And it's like, yeah, this isn't, this isn't as scary as what we have. Stop. Right before I went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got in enough trouble, but I don't know if you should, but then he did it, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, if you're ordering a fucking small pizza by yourself, you're probably not the hottest lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, that's like, that's just assuming fucking Louie would be prone to, he's going to fucking physically assault someone if they were like, no thanks. I don't think Louie, I don't, I know he does. Well, obviously you can't say I know anymore, but I don't think that guy would ever do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, yeah, maybe I can trust him as a person when I've been out and hung out with him, but I did read this fucking tweet about him. So fuck him. That is really interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone the same. Like, what are you talking about? I'll tell you, I'll tell you what really happened. No, I mean, I've definitely done racist shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, like there's, I've been, dude, get hammered at an open mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, it's a mixed race fucking group of comedians. Sometimes I get too comfortable and think we're all fucking good friends or these are my friends from home or shit like that where I can say anything. No, it's not like I'm fucking out there screaming the N word or something, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get too comfortable. You say something stupid, but I don't know. Is that, is that something that should then therefore make me a literally a bad person? I don't know. That's up to you. If you're a psycho and want to hold people to those standards, you can, but, uh, here's what happens. And I, it happens every single time is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got can- I got- started to get in trouble immediately every fucking comic in Philly that hated me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Tweet tweeted paragraphs about awful shit I'd done.


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[Assistant] Just, dude, there was one guy that was like, he outed one of our fellow comics on stage at an open mic who he left out the part that that was one of my very good friends and we were fucking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people that were like, I heard he was creepy to women, which is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, I don't think I've ever talked to a woman in a green room. I don't talk to any, I'm not trying to get fucking laid before I go on stage. Like that's insane. But like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, once you, once you get that, like the green light over your head where everybody's allowed to shit on you and they'll, they'll fucking walk you. If you, if you're allowed to shit on people publicly, you'll do it. And that's what everyone does. As soon as it's the same reason, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody on the left calls fucking Mike Pence gay. Like that's a joke to make fun of a guy for being gay. He's not gay, but they use it as an insult. They're like, yeah, Mike Pence, I heard that guy's fucking gay. And it's like, you're allowed to make fun of him. So you're allowed to like.


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[Assistant] Does that make sense what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I, I've never found. If you feel like you have the moral high ground on somebody, you can publicly just destroy them and say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can use like homophobia against them, which is what they do to pence. Or you can be like, yo, my fucking Donald Trump's a retard. And it's like.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you can say retard, but if you're making fun of him, you can, sure. It's like, I don't know. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's really no, there's no fighting it. There's no fighting it. You're, you're just like, like putting an allegation out like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's done. The damage is done. It's like Delia. The damage is fucking done. No one's, if it turned out, like if, if somebody looked it up and looked into it and investigated it and turned out Chris Delia did nothing wrong, the damage is fucking done regardless. Like that's how these things work. Like the guy being on the fucking in LA, the LA times, that's the case is closed, dude. That was it. That was the trial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's guilty by just being front pa- I mean, there's no fighting it. Did you have to talk to your family about it when it happened?


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[Assistant] Ah, they, they supported me. They know who, you know, they were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most part, they thought it was pretty funny until I, yeah, it was funny. Everybody in my hometown was like, holy fuck dude, nice. Like everyone was like, you're on, you're number one on Twitter. This is crazy. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was funny because everybody was cool with it and then I did a joke about how like, Trump, Trump would be the funniest president to see get, he'd be the funniest assassination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's the funniest president, it would be the funniest assassination. And Fox News fucking was, somebody, a reporter was in the audience recording it. Ah, Lewis is calling, fuck him. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sent it to Fox News and Fox News was like, comedian says it'd be funny if Trump got shot. That's when my dad turned, cause my dad's a fucking Fox News guy. He was like, what are you doing making fun of the president?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright. You fucking loser. Uh, no, everybody, my family's cool with it. The one that hurt me was, uh, my niece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My niece was getting bullied, I think, a little bit for it. Oh, for real? Yeaah, that's where, that's where it starts to get like, ah, and like, you know, my mom was proud for the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that got, and it's the same thing as like people that don't like you celebrating when you fuck up. It's the same thing at every single level of how many people you know. So like my mom going around for like three days being like, my son's going to be on Saturday Night Live and kind of tossing it in some fucking lady's face whose son's a loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was probably like, yeah, fuck that bitch. I'm glad her racist son got destroyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, congrats. Congratulations. Thanks. You know, well, I forgot you had a tour of us. I was like, you're bragging about like your local city bus driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's how you defend it. There are fucking a ton of really, really dumb motherfuckers in this country. And you gotta be pretty fucking dumb to say go back to your country to somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, you'll see videos online of like lady screams the N word. It's just a fucking like a homeless lady on a bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, all right, but I'm not downplaying race, but that's, that's usually how that the answer to how you can be that ignorant. Now don't get me wrong. Smart people can be racist, but we're going to, yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it also, you know, cause if you're thinking about the scrutiny, then you're not being honest. And then you're going to, you're going to end up saying, you know, like I just backpedaled towards the end of that statement. You're going to start backpedaling. You got to backpedal on everything you say. Um, but yeah, the racism thing is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's, here's something that I thought was interesting. So like I'll be seeing things about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there'll be a tweet or something about new SNL or like if you're trying, if you're a new cast member, make sure you delete everything you've ever done. If you're looking to have a career in this, make sure you delete everything you've ever done. So it's almost like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody knows everybody has bad things.


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[Assistant] And if you get caught then you're a bad person. But if you delete it, you're not a bad person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's almost like a very public acknowledgement that public perception is the only thing that matters. Where it's like, oh sure, I think almost every white person has said the N word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you say it on, you know, if somebody secretly records you and says it, now you're, you're the worst guy I've ever met in my life. And it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I think I hear you. I hear you on that. And I think it comes from number one, always recording.


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[Assistant] I mean, you're talking hours of podcasts and then you do the thing where after the podcast, at least I do, where there's this anxiety for like at least an hour where I'm like, fuck, I wish I hadn't said that N word box joke, you know, that I just did. That was a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't me saying it was funny, but I'll feel bad about it for like an hour. I'll be like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Uh, so there, and then I was thinking of this the other day where it's like, it's starting to blend together where I'm like, did I say that on a fucking podcast? Like I'll be driving and be like, damn, that was fucked up. I hope I didn't say that publicly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. It bleeds in. It's, it's been bleeding in slowly this whole year. It's, it's only been a year of me being somewhat known and it's, it's only been one year and I'm still feeling it. Uh, actually, wow, that's pretty funny. I think today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One year ago, it was either today or tomorrow, I auditioned for SNL. One year ago. Wow. Yeah. Pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think they really shifted to a women-centric show. I think, uh, I think it was like Will Ferrell, like right before Will Ferrell, kinda like, there was some really good ones. And then Tina Fey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Amy Poehler and them. So it's, yea, it's definitely, I'm definitely, I'm personally not SNL's fucking target audience at all. So yea, it's not, you know, the show's not really for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean we can update fucking rules. Yeah, SNL is cool, but it's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to fucking be like, I want to laugh. What should I watch? Yeah, I'm not going to be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting. That's been tough. That's been tough for me not to like, I've been really trying to avoid like ever shitting on SNL. Cause then it just looks like I'm just being a bitter, bitter pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I would have, I would have taken it. I very happily would have been on that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My game plan, I just watched like, I just listened and saw clips of like ONA and the seller and then Louis. And then I was like, all right, that's what I want, which ended up being exactly what I got. Like that trajectory of like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope like stand up New York comics, uh, versus yeah, I never, I never assumed SNL and that's, you know, probably why I fucking got it. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't. Yeah, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was probably fun telling people, hey, we're looking for a studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was because you had nothing. It felt cool being like, yeah, just checking out some studio space. Not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just adrenaline, not even booze. I black out for five minutes and bomb once a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people are always like, yeah, you should post post more clips. It's like, I don't know. I might still suck. I don't know if I want to put those out just yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, probably about like 10 years, but the first couple years I was, you know, fucking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last couple, last like five or six years I've taken it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, yeaah, I'll stay in New York. I still, I still like, like once the clubs open up and however the fuck long that is, like a year, year and a half. But I'm still doing the road, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing, yeah, I've been doing the road like this whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although shows get cancelled all the fucking time. Like last weekend I was supposed to be in Baltimore and it got cancelled. Uhm, like, day of. This, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been wise guys in Salt Lake. Oh, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First weekend of September, then Phoenix house of comedy the next weekend, then Minnesota house of comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over the next three weeks, yeah, I'm going to go to Stanhope's in between Salt Lake and Phoenix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, oh yeaah, you've been there. Oh yeaah. You, you, you would handle it well. I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, dude, I was there for, geez, probably like a month. This- But you were there for a month?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I drove. So, alright. During, during this whole quarantine, I was on the road when it started. So I was in Florida when it started. I was supposed to do South by Southwest the next week and it got canceled. So I was like, fuck it. I haven't taken a vacation in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two years, I might as well fucking stay in Key West. And then I ended up kinda getting trapped down there.


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[Assistant] So then I, yeah, I didn't want to fly back to fucking New York City.


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[Assistant] I loved it. Yeah, QS fucking rules. Although I thought there'd be beaches. I didn't know it was like all rocks. It's all rocks. So that was like, I hadn't, I'd only done the weekend and I was like, damn, I'll spend a week at the beach. This will be fucking great. They're like, bars are closed. I was like, all right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll just hang out at the beach. They're like, oh yeah, we don't have beaches. We just have rocks. I was like, all right, I'll fucking drink in a hotel room for a week by myself and look at the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that, and then, uh, rented a car and drove to South Carolina, rented, I was just renting Airbnb's, they're all...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were so cheap. Everybody canceled all their beach houses. So I was just renting, like I stayed at Hilton Head, like a beachfront Hilton Head house for like two weeks. It was fucking great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lake house in Virginia and then I drove out for a month. I drove across the country to stay at Stanhope's. Which is cool. I've never heard of that. Did you know Doug before then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just through text, never fucking met him in real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Actually, you know what? I did a show with him. Nevermind. I did a show with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, after the SNL thing, and then I went out and hung out with him.


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[Assistant] All right. So we did stay at his place at his bar. I mean, we would drive around, we would do some, but I was living there. Like I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also Doug's of sweetheart, like every day he would make me breakfast every day.


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[Assistant] And like, wait till I got up. Cause I was sleeping in cause we were out drinking. Like he's that type of guy. And then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know what to, how to explain it. Just drinking every way. And he's, he's a comedy legend. So like, you want him to like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and I'm new, so like every once in a while we'd get drunk and I'd be like, ah, fuck, Doug hates me. So then that would be, that hangover would be horrific for the next day. I'd be like, fuck, what did I say to Doug? And then, uh, yeah, there was like fires. Okay. There was just a lot of chaos. It was, it was just, it was kind of a blur. And then they cut my hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's truthfully, I'm worried about the tour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. That's of this three weekend, this three week stretch I'm about to do. That's after the first weekend is staying at Doug's for like four days. And it's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish the next two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just opening up with a bender at Stanhope's. That's a tough, it's a tough open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I'm excited. Well, I, I agree that it is like I, when I was leaving there, I was like, that took like, I felt like that took years off my, I was there for a month. That's a long time to be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like a, like it took me like a, it took me a month. I went back to my parents house after that and it took me like a month of like just going home, fucking living here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to take it on again. What's, what's quarantine with the right mindset? What's quarantine Doug like? Well, I don't know. I don't really know regular Doug as far as going out, going to bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was pretty strict about it. They, they took it very seriously, but I did, I really didn't. So. You didn't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really, no. I mean, I started, it comes and goes how serious I take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a risk. I avoided that. I stayed inside with a mask on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Legion of Skanks is not, I don't know, well all their fans are, the Legion of Skanks fans are wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's more, I love Skankfest, but it's definitely more of a hang. Doing the show itself is always like, it sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at home right now, my dad just came down and is just on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My niece and sister came down earlier and just I was like, no, no, no, no. And they just kept walking towards, towards me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time I was like, I don't want to disrupt the show and say something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But and like right now I'm just looking at my, he's just, I'm working. Okay. That'll be his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wise guys in Salt Lake. So the sixth, I'm going to rent a car and drive from Salt Lake to uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Oh, okay. That's what he said. Right. Okay. Yeah, I'll go ahead and do it. He's working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a salesman. So what he does now, so he's on the phone with a guy and he's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's already, he's old, so he's made all his connections. So all he has to do is occasionally just check in with people and be their friend. So he, he has an office that he sends like two or three emails a day from, and that's his day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought I, I was okay. I sold cars right out of college and I was a decent salesman. Yeah, but I didn't know shit about cars. So that hurt every once in a while. You motherfucker. I'm so sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I checked out, I checked out as soon as... Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just my dad talking in the background. It's like, it's all I can hear. All he's doing is going, okay. Cause he's got to look at a computer. This, this, I know what he's doing right now should take one minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's 10 minutes because he's got to figure out of him and another 60 year old are trying to figure out fucking emails in the middle of Pennsylvania. That's what's happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, uh, I am clicking on that. I'm clicking on that right now. What else is there? No, that's yours. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think I'm good. In two weeks, I can make that Milwaukee's Bucks joke. If that came out today, I'd be like, maybe drop that one. In two weeks, people would be like, alright, that was pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that'd be great. The third, fourth and fifth of September, I'll be at Wise Guys in Salt Lake. The 10th, 11th, 12th, I'll be at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] House of Comedy in Phoenix, Arizona and the 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th House of Comedy in Minnesota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were actually, before we go, I'll tell you this, you were the first comic I featured for. For real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calling the sixth show. So it was the Thursday. It was the early show at like noon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or whatever you would do those shows and the feature they had scheduled didn't know about it. So they, the manager real quick called me like right before the show and I was like, cause I lived like two blocks away. I was like, yeah, I'll be down. It was my first feature came down, did well. You were drinking motherfucker. I'm just, I'm just listening to this motherfucking old motherfucker talk. I'm going to fight my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get my ass beat by my dad. Alright, so you were drinking, uh, fucking, uh, what's that? What's that whiskey? Fireball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god. So there's a handle fireball. This is a noon show. I went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did, did well. You brought me back on, which was fun. We made fun of, I called my ex-girlfriend Tuna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had, so we were talking about, but then you were like, alright, let's do a shot before, before your set. You, alright, so we, we filled up a solo cup. Not a shot dude, you like filled up like half a solo cup. And I was just holding it like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total. So it was like, we drank like a solo cup full of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking fireball. And then at like one, this is at 1 PM basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, all right, you got an AP, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how, I have no idea. I was like 26 at the time, maybe 27, eh, maybe 28.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, and this is, this is what was heartbreaking. I went back and the feature came to that, the guy who was scheduled. So then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of those things where it was like, all right, it was nice to meet you guys. You were like, here's my email. Hit me up. Dude, I spent the next two years emailing probably, probably your agent being like, can I feature? No, no, no. Don't look them up because they're guaranteed. They're fucking embarrassing. Don't fucking look them up. I wonder if I can get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of those things that I've regretted. Like I would just email. You're the only guy I ever did it to. Only. Ever. There's nobody else that I emailed like that. Crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delete those, yo, delete those fucking emails. I'll delete them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you said you lived with Stan Hope? I did. At the fucking Neverland Ranch? Yes. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like an old mining town. So every house is like an old mine shack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when the mines closed, cause it was an old copper mine, they all, like hippies from California,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. That's it. Just make sure he's got enough money in the bank. Talk shit, do podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that just drink like Bud Lights, they probably don't get that nasty. It's a slow trickle. Yeah, I got this. This is my dad. Dad just drinks these all night. It's not the best flavor. It's crazy. It's okay. It'd probably be real good with like crabs. You know, like some seafood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's their opportunists, their opportunists. They find a little a way to, to claim the moral high ground, to be upset at everybody else, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, good for you. I go drink, I watch my friends play golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of the pandemic in South America. Yeah. Just moved to South America for a while. Didn't know anybody down there. Got an Airbnb. Started doing yoga up there. Yeah. Yeah, he's great. Well, he's all about that. Like, me and him don't... We don't share a lot in common.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be 95 degrees with just hippies in tents. Where's Bonnaroo? Like, Tennessee. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, uh, he's, you know, he's living the life of a free man, you know? I mean, he like, I don't think I know anybody that values freedom, like Ari does, cause he values freedom above


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Months off of his schedule. I'm not doing anything. I'm not doing any podcasts. I'm not doing anything. I'm just gonna wander around. With nobody. By himself. Yeah. It's impressive. I don't have that. It's a weird instinct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably, you know, he's probably accustomed to losing his entire community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that what it was? He lived somewhere in Israel where they read the Talmud like 12 hours a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim told me, uh, Dylan told me that he was in Times Square and he felt like he was being hunted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the first open mics I did were at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. My parents used to live in Harrisburg. What? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you think of Pennsylvania, you think of Pittsburgh, you think of Philly, you think of cities. You're out there, you just smell cow shit, and you see deer everywhere. Lancaster. PA. A lot of Amish. Mechanicsburgs. It was white trash. It's getting a little more, it's getting gentrified. Is it? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But a lot of folks are like, do I need to do this? I can work from home. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was a good start, I think he got stabbed too at this party. Oh, Jesus Christ, that's a real party. Yea, he had a party. Punching a hole in a wall after losing a fight and throwing up in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, a bunch of, yeaah, yeaah, in college. I was in one, uh, just when I graduated high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, this kid just invited everybody over to his house. So all these people that he didn't know. Hundreds of kids were at this guy's party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Madness. Yeah. And then madness. And then there's fucking people jumping on people and smashing things and throwing people over stairs and- Yeah. And I'm like fucking ducking and I make my way out there's piles of people. I'm looking for my friends. It was wild. Yeah, well it was pre-Twitter. That's how they handled it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The public high school, we, we decided to meet to fight. And I guess half their guys didn't show up to the fight. So me and, yeah, we just jumped them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charges. He should face something. Someone should call his mom, at least. Yea, but it was funny because a lot of the kids who were like afraid to fight, that were with us, like my friends, were like kinda hiding. It was at night, so they were like hiding in the dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it just puts your spine in a very bad position where it hurts a lot. Here it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jono Mears, yea. Congratulations, Jono.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's wild. I remember that, yeah. Those girls are wild. They were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charged after allegedly sexually assaulting boy 6 in Toronto Park. Woman. With... stubble. A crew cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. What the fuck, man? Yeah, bro, you are a pro molester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's a guy with no kids. How about that? Yea, yea, probably. Yea, cause you have no kids, you think stupid shit because you think it makes you sound progressive. Yea. Yea. I don't, that's a tough one to get to. Through being progressive. That's a tough one. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a tough one to present though, like, be like, no, this is how I feel, I think, pedophiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or the people who call it can't be racist is because, like, you call a white person, like, yeah, whatever, cracker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just, uh, it was kinda surreal. Cause I went from, I was one of the first people to get like, cancelled or however you wanna say it. Consequences?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, however you wanna say it. Doesn't matter what we call it, it is what it is. But, uh, I was one of the first people to go from, I was doing, I was poor. I was not famous at all. I was poor. And then I got cancelled immediately. Like that was my, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, we like him, we want him to audition. He can come straight in to audition. So I went straight to the main stage for the audition.


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[Assistant] And the whole time leading up to it, I was like, I'm never gonna get this. I don't care. I wanna do stand-up. I kinda hated SNL at that point.


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[Assistant] But that's when the nerves hit, like you walk in and you see the main stage. Cause that's what you audition on.


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[Assistant] Is like the stage. Wow. And it's a totally empty studio. The whole room's empty except for a table of like writers and producers and Lorne Michaels. And then you go on and they're like, three, two, go, do five minutes.


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[Assistant] Wow. In front of just a camera, right? And there you're doing stand up? I did stand up. Wow. I did five minutes of stand up, that's all. And then, uh, I ran into Michael Che that night.


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[Assistant] And everybody was like, they're never gonna laugh. The table, Lorne, all them, they're not gonna laugh. First thing I said, they all started laughing. I was like...


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[Assistant] I was supposed to not acknowledge him, but you know, I was doing stand-ups. Do you remember what you said? No, I don't. Genuinely.


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[Assistant] He just, just did a bit. Yeah, I was just, yeah, I was nervous. Uh, but as soon as they started laughing, I was like...


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[Assistant] And then I went back to, you know what I mean, I was like looking at them, I could see they were laughing and I was told the whole time, no one's gonna laugh. They were laughing and I was like, oh fuck, I did pretty good.


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[Assistant] Ran into Jay that night, I was like, ah, I sucked, I was nervous. He was like, no, you were... That was good. Then...


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[Assistant] Slowly, met him, left. One guy didn't even get invited in, they just sent him home. Which is fucked up. They invited him to the callback and they were like, no, nevermind. Wow. And then, they kept me there for an extra like, hour by myself. And I was just sitting there like, oh fuck, I got this. Like I'm gonna be on it, like this is, I can't believe I got this. I wasn't even excited, I was just like, this is wild.


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[Assistant] Usually you work on the show to experience what the show's like. But, I dunno, I didn't want to be a writer.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't care about writing. I didn't want to be a writer. So I was like, even if they offered me the writing thing, I was like, I don't want to take it. I think I would have at the time. But anyway, they asked me to go straight to cast. So I was like, yea, I'll definitely do that.


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[Assistant] Warren calls, says, hey, we wanna use you on the show. We're gonna announce it tomorrow. He's like, do you have anything, uh,


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[Assistant] You want us to check out? Like, they have people that vet you, but they're not used to people having podcasts.


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[Assistant] And then, so that lasted for about like three hours before an article came out that was like, here's what this guy says. There's a clip of me saying some, yea, unsavory stuff.


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[Assistant] But talking shit. It was, it was the one podcast we ever filmed. That's the one they used. Wow. And it just happened.


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[Assistant] One bad one. The one bad one will fuck you up. Just depends which one it is. Right. You know, I'll get called like, uh...


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[Assistant] He's nervous, like something, something where they get you, where they, they know you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like he laughs at his own jokes on every podcast. It's like, oh fuck. Do I? Shit. Right. Anyway, so I get, all that stuff comes out, and it was funny, this is funny, I went into Lauren's, Lauren Michael's office,


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[Assistant] It just, it just kept, it just kept steamrolling, like it never, it didn't dissipate at all, like it kept being like, no, you guys need to fire him.


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[Assistant] What is it, Gillian Keeves? Those are the best fucking comedy sketches that are on the internet right now. I'm not bullshitting. The only thing that's at the same level is Kyle Dunnigan's shit. Kyle Dunnigan, the shit that he's doing.


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[Assistant] Fresh Prince of D.C. Yes, something like that. Fresh Pres. Yeah. Dude, it's, it's tear-jerking. His bill more? Oh my god, it's incredible. New rule. It just, oh my god.


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[Assistant] Him and, him and Kurt Metzger, they're incredible. It's the best shit. But the shit you're doing is right up there with that. It's really fucking funny, man. It's really funny and it's like something you would never be able to do on SNL. The stuff you guys are doing, how are you financing this stuff?


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[Assistant] Yes, John McKeever, he's Keeves, he's...


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[Assistant] Incredible. Writer, he writes all these edits and makes them, he's...


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[Assistant] And very afraid of not calling out someone else because then silence is violence. True. True.


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[Assistant] You just gotta take a second, like, don't get caught up in it, like, uh.


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[Assistant] Like, if I see other people fuck up and say something crazy, even still, my first reaction is like,


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[Assistant] And if you, if you type out someone's stand-up or a podcast, especially a segment of it, just take the worst parts, you know? Yea. Yea, it's...


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[Assistant] Say the worst thing I can think of to these people. A guy who's gonna fucking like them. A failure. Yeaah. Yeaah. Those, those comics that fail. Although, Patrice always had the very best line about all this stuff. He said,


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[Assistant] You gotta go, sometimes if you say something fucked up and it doesn't work, you gotta be like, alright, my bad.


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[Assistant] Everybody. I've many times said, well that's the last time I'll ever say this. Yea, of course. I think you say it tomorrow.


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[Assistant] Couple weeks or th- I was in New York too, so people are very, very uptight.


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[Assistant] And you go on stage and then it's just in your head, like you see people like whisper to each other and you're like, he's telling her who I am.


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[Assistant] It was crazy. I'd have a dream about comments.


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[Assistant] Or like, tweets about the worst secrets of my entire life being out there.


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[Assistant] Like what this is. Right, right, right. We're getting death threats. I was like, death threats are nothing. Don't worry, you're gonna be fine. But like-


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[Assistant] You know, my parents, they don't know shit. I'm like, I got JFL. They're like, what the fuck's that?


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[Assistant] It lasts for four days. Four days. You put out the statement. What does the statement say, roughly? Alright, so they send you, they're like, hey, you need to apologize right now. You need to apologize. And I was like, can I just not apologize, please?


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[Assistant] Like that's how this gets passed. If we say nothing.


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[Assistant] This group text was in, I just got it from like an agent that was like, you need to apologize. I was like, fuck them. I'm not fucking apologizing. I had no idea NBC was in there.


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[Assistant] So like, the whole world is, I mean, it's crazy, yeaah. And then, uh, so they asked me to put out a statement, I'm like, fuck no, I can't do that. It was a ridiculous statement. Inexcusable, growth, all that shit, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Comedy. Having just said everything I said was inexcusable. From now on, everything he said is...


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's just disgusting. Everything you've done you regret, and it's disgusting. And then I talked to Lorne, Lorne called, and he was like, just give me something.


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[Assistant] Give me anything. Cause I told him I couldn't do that. I was like, I can't do the sorry, inexcusable thing. And he was like, just give me something. But I need it in the next 10 minutes.


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[Assistant] Just say you're a comedian that pushes boundaries and sometimes...


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[Assistant] Uh, but yeaah, I was like sorry to anybody that's actually offended. That was never my thing. Cause I didn't think anyone was actually offended.


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[Assistant] The way you're meant to do it, in the context. Again, it's a thing that people do, they're just talking shit.


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[Assistant] Like, you know, we're supposed to be out gathering, like all that shit. That's fine.


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[Assistant] What the fuck was I saying? Uuuh, who cares? You were at your statement. Ten minutes. Statement. I had ten minutes to put this thing together.


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[Assistant] And in, in a couple of you, like you know, it's, you're gonna be embarrassed. Don't ever apologize. That's what I'm saying.


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[Assistant] All the time. I watch, yea, the worst things possible. I watch that.


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[Assistant] When Tony goes on stage now, I'm telling you the round of applause this fucking guy gets is like double what used to happen. It's your fans, it's fans reassuring you. Yes. We like you. We know what you did wasn't.


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[Assistant] Uh, I knew, I knew it was, I was the one that was like, you guys are gonna find me. Like, it's okay. I get it.


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[Assistant] I'm not- I wasn't even like, fuck them, I should have my job. I was like, I get it. I said something fucked up, this is a corporation. It's SNL, you can't-


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[Assistant] It's weird defending yourself, I don't know, maybe I gotta improve my self-worth. You know, I think ultimately,


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[Assistant] And the best way to understand consequences is to really have a moment where the walls come tumbling down.


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[Assistant] Crushed by everybody. You can go out and do stand-up and people are like, ehhh.


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[Assistant] You guys like me. Everyone else hates me. It's a wild art form, man. It's fun. It's so fun just to watch still. I've been doing it for more than 30 years and someone goes up and kills. I have a great time. I'm loving it.


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[Assistant] It is, cause like, if you're contained inside that Saturnite lab structure, no disrespect to anybody that is, but you're not as free. You're gonna be more reserved, you're gonna hold back. Definitely. Yeah, there's that, for sure. I think I would've done well though.