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[Assistant] I will, this, this is, this might come off as insensitive, but this is one thing I also took from that, cause there's a lot of footage of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything worse than when shit like that happens, just women just scream?


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[Assistant] And they just happened to hit the one building that would definitely have the most screams.


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[Assistant] There was an explosion and that whole arena was little girls screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think what was creepy about it was there was definitely this loud explosion and then there was a lot of people like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The scream permeated from the, around the explosion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the people in the arena were like, what the fuck was that? And then they just, you know, uncontrollably screamed. It was like this chain reaction of screaming from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of little girls, and think if you were like a fucking parent, and you were chaperoning and taking like five kids. And now you gotta fucking wrangle them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you that was the one time I was like fucking hyped to be going to the army, right? When I saw Flight 93 in theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're hyped to go. Flight 93, I sat there and watched it and it was like right after I committed to West Point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, of course not, but I was wearing a hat. I was wearing like a West Point hat. Like a football team hat. Now, like the army football hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, like I watched that movie and I walked out like, I'm gonna get these guys, fuck that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that was our hot take on the, how fucking gay ISIS is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen a lot of memes coming out of Europe right now, the alt-rights picking up over there. Anytime something like this happens, they're like, I mean everybody politicizes it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, they're like, you've seen those memes, right, of like how Europe handles tragedy? No. It's like step one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like flowers and music at the, where it happened. Yeah. Like step two, Facebook profile pictures. Three is like lights on buildings around Europe to the flag of the country affected. And then step four is like allow more immigrants into the country. Step five, repeat. Jesus Christ. And, uh, yeah, some of the boys are getting fired up over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like a fucking t-shirt that says like Bin Laden don't surf. I don't even get the reference. I think it's from, uh, Apocalypse Now. Really? Doesn't make any sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess Bin Laden is the new... Charlie. Damn dude. The time, I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's, people always complain like, why didn't, like if there's a terrorist attack in Nigeria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, why don't we have our profile pictures as that? Cause I remember there was one in like, I think Nigeria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Around the same time as Paris. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. And it's like, well clearly we relate to the one in Paris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine being in a school in Nigeria and a bunch of guys come in with machetes and start killing us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean like, and it's disgusting, it's horrible, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can relate to Paris where you're like out to dinner with your girlfriend in a cafe. In a beautiful cafe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, that's, that's why, like, of course, like, I can see myself, not myself, but I can see, I can, I know the people that were at the area, that concert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's a fucking mindless nice thing for a little girl to have fun and then some fucking douche with a vest is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every once in a while a kid gets diddled, but they're used to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, it's not that they're nerds, it's just, it's not cool to be the pop culture. Black people are pop culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, cause I've been listening to this, a lot of the new rap, and it's all like, emo. Yeah. It's all like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's a song, the one song's like, by logic, that's just like, I wish I was dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah dude, black dudes, young black kids are fucking emo as fuck right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I was saying. Like they become more pop culture. It's not underground and counterculture anymore, which is cool. Counterculture is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to be hardcore all the time. You can talk about fucking Dragon Ball Z a little bit.


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[Assistant] All those fucking goofy fucking outfits they wear everyday, pretty soon that's gonna be like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Put on a t-shirt and jeans, dude. Fucking chill. Tuck it in. Tuck in those fucking t-shirts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take those fucking dungarees up and study, dude. Get to your, clean up your room and study. No more of palling around with your buddies and your blunts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting around playing hip hop music all hours of the night. Yeaah. It's time for you and your buddies to fucking study.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was at the... They're in the future. I was at the corner store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw like five black- it was packed, it was Saturday night. Okay. It was like a block party. Yeah. And then like old black ladies were buying like candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seeing like adults be like, yeah, could I get a bag of Cheetos and some Swedish fish? Dude, they're like 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ex-boyfriend. You recognize you tried to just slide that into conversation, right? Oh wait, I got fleas. It happens. It happens. So she, something about your ex-boyfriend?


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[Assistant] And I do want to point out the fact that if any of these dumb cunts ever want to call us fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, alt-right, white nationalists, racist. Fucking Matt just told a story where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He laid with a black lady in a convenience store behind bulletproof glass and watched Madea at night. He slept in a fucking bodega for three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw that, I saw a bunch of ladies getting candy and I was just like, yeah dude, that's a weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just crush it. So back to the hoverboards and fidgets. I don't think they're in the future. I think they're all like Tom Hanks and big. What's that? Like where you just grow up, but you're still a little kid. Oh my god. So you get some money, you just start buying fucking random shit like toys and candy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good take. Every black, every older black person is just Tom Hanks and big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh hey, uh, I do want to apologize to you publicly. Why? Uh, I was very harsh to you last episode about your infatuation with ladyboy porn. Yea dude. Turns out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've had an outpouring of support, of real outreach from the, from the rest of our community. Fuck yea dude. Saying like, yea everybody does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I want you to know, some good friends of the cast have come out in their support. Hell yeaah. And, uh. We'll get you. Yeaah, I was surprised how many people were like, yeaah, that's cool. Yeaah, hell yeaah. It's kinda like standing up to wipe your ass. There's just another world I didn't know about. And everybody that does it thinks it's acceptable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have a tiny fucking butt crack too, it's real sad. What? Yea, I have like a, it looks like it's just terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caitlin fucking spanked it the other day. I was like, get out of here. Not like sexually, but just like it was like I was walking by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that reminds me of fucking, when you were talking about getting your butt eaten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, he was like, I can't get my butt eaten because there's only two ways to get your butt eaten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Legs up or doggy style. It's true. No, then you were like, I would just bend over. Bend over standing. With my leg like Captain Morgan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back, dude. Sick, sick break. Oh, we forgot, uh, shoutouts last week. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What up, boy? What up, Joey Gilson? What up, Dicks? What up, Eric Glazer? That's the young bull from Baltimore, dude. He filmed, uh, he filmed that set I did down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chad just got fired up and just tries to...


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[Assistant] He just posted on a show, an event page for a show I'm doing in Harrisburg. Hell yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said like people of color and retards in one comment. Chad's getting fired up. Chad might have to delete that shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Gerben. What up, boys? Stevie Gerbs, dude. Hell yea, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back with some heavy shoutouts. Yeah, well this is two weeks of shoutout. We're back, we're back. I know. Uhm, you know the boys, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Christian experience. Those are the actual dogs. Those are good boys. Anyway, those are the shoutouts for the week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many people are fucking begging us for shoutouts.


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[Assistant] Well, fuck man. That's the price of fucking greatness. Exactly. You bring out a podcast like this. Yea. At a time when people are clamoring for fucking truth. Dude. In sickness. Directionless. Just a ton of lemmings. Yep. And here come two dark nights. Blinding light, dude. This isn't what they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's like an NPR voice like, hey Matt, how are you? It's good to be here on the podcast. I had a very, I had a very smooth jazz radio announcer. I had a fucking NPR like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Matt, how are you? That's awesome. It's good to be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a dry cast. Yea, this is dry. That's probably why. It started out hot. This is a hot take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know that's what you meant, but normally we've been getting pretty hot with the alcohol.


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[Assistant] We do. Without alcohol, we're just, we're scholars man.


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[Assistant] I mean, technically that works. I understand why you thought it was that, cause you could be a rogue scholar. You literally could be a rogue. I am. It's Rhodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a road scholar. Road scholar. Like a road dog? It's like R-H-O-D-E-S. Oh, not like a road dog. I could have spelled that wrong, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rose. I, uh, yeah, yeah. Well, here's what I wanted to say. It's gonna be funny going back, like, the same way I listened to that first episode, we're gonna go back and listen to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is basically like a letter to yourself. You can write yourself a letter in like five years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Right now. I remember we did that in 8th grade. Did you really? Yea, we wrote a letter to ourselves. Yea. And then I opened it my senior year of high school. And I forgot I wrote it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the, the vision of myself I had was negative. I was like, I was probably a fucking dickhead in eighth grade.


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[Assistant] They're not reasonable. It's like I remember reading the letter and it was like, you probably have offers from Florida State and Notre Dame right now, fuckin' killin' it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In five years from now. You and your definite transvestite wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lady. My transgender wife? Well, it's gonna be a dude with a, a chick with a dick.


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[Assistant] But then it's going to be totally acceptable and you're going to be all in on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you know what you could be doing right now? Like I could be right now, I could be in a car dealership listening to this on my headphones just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thinking about the good old days, man. That'd be so funny. Thinking about how sick it was when I had this podcast and I did comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I am talking to that version of me, get up right now and get the fuck out of there, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pat that hot chick on the ass that you've been talking to. Kaitlyn's dead by now. Kaitlyn's already dead. Don't worry, dude. It's five years from now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, so you want to talk about fucking set life or do you, do you feel like you seem to get very off put when I bring


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[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta go just, you know, just a quick Comedy Central pilot that may matter on


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[Assistant] The guys, the guys who are putting together that pilot are big fans of the cast and they just want to have us drop in, see what we can do to improve it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said a couple lines, I was feeling myself. I started telling other people what to say.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. Power move. But no, I didn't know I was even gonna be on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh huh. Ended up being in an all night shoot. Yeaah. So that was 6 to 6. That's a long set life dude. I didn't realize acting was gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except what sucks, well it doesn't suck, it's fucking awesome. Yeah. That's the thing, like, I mean, I was in every single scene, because of the character I was playing. Yeah, yeah. So I was in every single scene. Yeah. Which seems cool. Until, like, because that was the first time I was ever on set.


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[Assistant] You don't really realize how often, how they do every single take.


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[Assistant] So many fucking times. And from every single angle of every character.


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[Assistant] Sick. Yea dude, so now we gotta head down there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, either one. Yeah, either one. But, uh.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty sick. You and me have to head down to this pilot. Yeah, it's whatever. I mean, you know what? It's just, it's whatever to us, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chad's a fucking man. He's a fucking corporal lieutenant, dude. So. What?


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[Assistant] We gotta hurry up and get something hot going. I know, I know. It's funny that we're not good at talking about that pilot.


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[Assistant] Anytime we've ever brought that show up, it's always been like touch and go is what we can or cannot say. So it's a little uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] Oh wait, we're out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well no, that's cause this weekend...


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[Assistant] So I was supposed to have a three day, somehow there was some sort of mix up. You got crushed. I got a three day contract with this TV show for Comedy Central, and I got a feature weekend at Helium opening for Aries Spears, which is a ton of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both those are a lot of money, and I needed it. Yep. And then...


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[Assistant] The night before the show with Aries Spears, I got a call that was like, alright, he's bringing his own guy, you're out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I lost that job for the weekend. And then I got a call from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy who's making the TV show that was like, yeaah, we're gonna probably change things around a little bit, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wheels fell off, like it was supposed to be the best weekend of my life. Yeaah. And then the wheels just...


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[Assistant] Dude, when I left for Spain, I thought just it was so easy to make money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I can just make, it's like I can quit this job, who cares?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't matter. So then I got over to Spain. I've been broke as fuck ever since. I literally don't think I've had more than, I don't think I've had more than $4,000 since Spain. Damn dude. Total.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just a terrible entrepreneur. But you are fucking out there swinging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of the shatheads are willing to, let's say, donate a dollar a month. Yeah, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's definitely a bunch of these dickheads, zero chance they'd give us one dollar. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some generous boys. There's some good boys out there that can, you know, donate what you want. A little five, ten dollars a month. I'll be sick. I'll tell you what, you give us ten dollars a month, we'll drive to your house.


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[Assistant] And say hello. You can hang out with us. I'll be safe. You can just come live with us. Let me tell you. Yeah, literally, you can move in. You can come over, you can play a video game with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was sick. Join me in the fucking streets, dude. No, there's like a, there's a fucking thing, I forget what it's called, it's for podcasts. Yeah. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That like, for money a month, they get extra. Well anyway, it's time we start monetizing this sick ass podcast. These people are getting the sickest shit in the world for free right now. Hell yea. We hire fucking writers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can hire mad writers. That'd be sick. I don't think anybody would come up with. No. What you say. No one would come up with that. You gotta live it, dude. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not asking for anything yet, but uh, just prepare. Prepare, dude. We could be calling upon you guys shortly. To open up the coffers, dude. It is time. Open up the fucking coffers. We've been nothing but absolutely- Dude, do you realize how much-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, mostly you have shared with these people. Yeaah. You've given them your soul.


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[Assistant] Hell yea. But yea, all the fucking knowledge we've given these listeners. Yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or fuckin', you know, don't. But yea, there's no way, dude, there's no way you're ever gonna have another normal job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcast, by the end of this, you and me are going to be in a helicopter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just flying wherever we want. I might crash a helicopter into the White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee those gates, those gates are tough to ride a motorcycle through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so that's how you're gonna die? Yeah. You're gonna suicide bomb the White House?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like that tall obelisk. It's like just a straight fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the pool? What's the pool they have? That's, uh, that's the, uh, that's the, right by Lincoln.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you get over to the middle east and hit one of their fucking things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If ISIS has their version of Ariana Grande, you need to get over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eye for an eye at this point. Hot ass kid for hot ass kid. I meant Ariana Grande, not any of the victims.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, give us a dollar, we're gonna stockpile ammunition and then one day crash a helicopter into the white house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm trying to think of a lesser, intense, but still equally aggressive. Ah, you could do it in Saudi Arabia. What? Saudi Arabia is an American, you can go over there, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll get on one of those prayer towers when it's playing that music. Set up a mic, go up there, just try to do a set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they would have to burn me out. If they were saying dudes one at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'd probably smoke you out. I'd be able to do, they're so little, I'd be able to do like wrestling moves. Really? Yeah, dude. Middle Eastern? Men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's enough for now. Alright, we're good. You think that's good for the week or do you want to take a break?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tell you, I was, we should probably give a, uh, nobody lives in New York that's going to see us on Thursday. It's true. Tomorrow we're in New Jersey, but I don't fucking know where. Me either. Thursday, we're in levity live in West Nyack, New York. Hell yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm trying to think of shows people can go to. Didn't know that was a town. June 2nd. Friday, June 2nd. Come see me and Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Tommy Pope in, uh, in Lancaster. Hell yeaah. That'll be fun. Lancaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Strong Dong. Jesus Christ. And then June 10th. This is a big one. This is a big one for me. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Harrisburg Midtown Art Center. Yeaah. June 10th. Also June 3rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good friend Mekki Leeper helps us out. It's called Digital Graffiti. It's fucking sick. It's literally the best show. It's the most lit show imaginable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, nice. That'll be sick. Uhm, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that, we're good. What do you think, man? This was a sober cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have $11. Fucking, I'm out here filming TV pilots. Yea dude. Well, I'm actually standing around the background of, uh, somebody else's, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about the sober? I like it. You like it? Yeaah. This is like we've been fucking for a while, and then we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only fucked when we're drunk, which is nice. That's nice. That's easy. You just slide in, you don't even care. You don't care what you said. Sober is difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silver lights on sex is. That's what we're doing right now. Like smiling at each other, you look away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. Well, that was me and Matt having sober, lights on, unprotected, raw, anal intercourse. Of course. And you got to listen to that. And you liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' Helium Comedy Club. Digital Graffiti. Midnight. Saturday night. Come on out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No fucking anthrax either, you fucking gay Isis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and me get attacked? If someone attacks the studio, dude. Ah, that makes sense. They'll try to stop us. That'd be hilarious. Well, not for- I mean, they would hit a bunch of shatheads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about attack the studio. Oh, if they hit the studio? Depart the house. I thought you meant like during one of our shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they would get fucking crushed. The shanheads would rise up. It's just, it's 3,000 fucking first responders, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be 3,000 open carry. 100%. We love fucking guns, dude. Yea. We gotta start getting more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one dollar bills, yea. Don't ask any fucking questions. Please no more questions. Alright. Fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fucking ready, dude. They're fucking- They're clamoring. These little ear pussies are wet, dude. These are wet ear pussies. They're driving through traffic, dude. Their little ear pussies are squeezing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our fucking podcast is a fat nine inch dong, dude. Yea, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, just devastating buttholes. Devastating fat butts. Fucking listeners are going to get into physical and the doctor's like, you've been listening to Cas, your butthole loses. Fuck. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're both very pro-life. Oh my god, 100%. At the end of every cast, we break, we're like, alright ladies, get out there and shame those fucking whores. Shame those disgusting bitches who have had an abortion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea. Alright. I hate, I do hate fucking abortion love stand-up. When I was, when I... Alright, stand-up, yes, yes, yes. Yea, I mean, if you gotta get an abortion...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, our world. Let me tell you about my dark month I spent in Brooklyn, New York, in the fucking epicenter, in the absolute eye of fucking White Pussy Mordor. Horrible dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, literally, it would be like a girl would go up and be like, so like, I got like my third abortion, and everyone would be like, eeeeh, and it's just like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it were me, if I was on the other end of that, I'd be like, no. Really? Fuck yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a hardcore fucking... Dude, sighty drinkers are wild. That's a hardcore way to drink a gay ass drink. Dude, I have- are you serious?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drop a Xanny in every Sity. These are Wu-Tang Sities. You ever drink a Wu-Tang 40? No. Wu-Tang 40, you drop a Xanax in a 40 dude and you fucking chug it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in a hot roll. You were talking about uhm, how all of our girl listeners had abortions. Go on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, of course. But, shatheads. I mean, there's, there's like a fundamental level of gayness flying around the world. It's like fucking time, space, gayness. You have to just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, wait, what were you saying? You were telling us I was, I'm a big, I led the fucking, I led the fireworks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, that's, that's my, I don't go to the doctor, dude, that's my fucking monthly checkup. It's just how well you shoot. Well, it's my daily checkup, but yea.


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[Assistant] I got a fucking 24, I'm fucking 24 hours fat free. Really? I got a whole fucking day.


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[Assistant] I got a whole day of the world fucking locked in my epididymis ready to get out. What's epididymis? That's where all your fucking sperms are at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them backslid on a deal dude and got past the fucking- Oh god. You started this. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My rock bottom? Just fucking watching trainees jerk off, dude. That's the fo- that was my rock bottom, I quit porn.


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[Assistant] You'll hit it in your forties. That's when it gets you. A lot of old guys. I got a lot of fucking teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you're there, you're watching porn, you're, you know, lesbians, all that cool stuff, and then it's like, she-male fucks girl, and you're like, you know, it's not gay. Then it's like right underneath that, it's like, tranny jerks off, and you're like, well, let's give that a spin, and it just like, unlocks it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, you talked about JOI, it's like, I've watched tranny JOIs bro, so it's like, yea bro.


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[Assistant] No I didn't really. I'm telling you man, it's a weird, it's a weird slippery slope cause it's like, as soon as you see, as soon as the illusion shattered where you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sure? Sounds like you're jerking off to dudes. It's not dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember we checked out all the hot young tranny kids? Yea, there's a hot tranny kids.


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[Assistant] I had no real life tranny play, bro. You've never fucked a dude. No, 100% not. That I can't handle. I'm telling you, the-


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[Assistant] When it's like, when I'm, I would see it and it would be like, I'd see like a forearm vein and I'd be like, oh I'd tap out.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'd be gay if I lied about it. That's very true.


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[Assistant] Hey. You calling it his is gay, dude. It's hers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You jerked off to fuckin' dicks. Nuh-uh. Tits, bro.


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[Assistant] People will clap for you. In my head, dude, I can't, they're not dudes, that's gay.


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[Assistant] Dude, it's what happens when you go on the internet too much, bro. What do you want me to do? Have a high sex drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This is helping a lot of the shatheads, dude. You'd be surprised. That there's a lot of dudes out there jerking off to trannies? Definitely, dude. 100%. Yeah, there's something appealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's literally, you're just like, this is- This is a forbidden fruit out there. This is fucking crazy. It's bad, you're doing something very bad.


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[Assistant] Oh god, but yea. Dude, so you, so how did you, you guys were like, no thanks to the ladyboys, thanks to the shrimp.


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[Assistant] That's true dude, he's not gonna fucking front on the lane. Especially in like,


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[Assistant] Asian business culture, in Asian business culture, you don't fucking fluke on the lady. You don't fucking, you don't check swing on the ladyboy in a business deal. That's how you get fucking, that's how you lose the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need it, dude. If you fucking- I went to school for an international business, they taught us this. If you fucking fluke on the ladyboy clothes, deals done with the Tokyo partners, if you show them the bottle building, if you're like, here's the model building, and they're like, alright, bring in the fucking ladyboys, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was working in an office one time, and these fucking four, it was like Japanese dudes or like Asian dudes, hopped in in suits, got out, I turned to the guy next to me, I was like, dude, it's the fucking Tokyo partners, and this guy looked at me. This dude looked at me, I was just like, what? And I was like, nevermind, this got off. I was like, my bad.


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[Assistant] You might be a queer. No, I'm not. You might be queer. I'm like Danny from fucking, uh, what's that show? Bloodline, dude. Fucking just party every now and again. True, true.


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[Assistant] I always, always, fuckin', it's always a fuckin' synchronized rope. You cum with the ladyboys? I cum, every time I watch porn, I cum whenever people are cummin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's one of- that's one I'm gonna- I'm gonna say probably yes. That's the gayest shit I've ever heard. That's not gay! That's fucking- that's just fucking- that's just how you do it.


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[Assistant] You don't come in the middle of a porn, that's fucking premature ejaculation. You gotta fucking finish. You gotta wait till the end. Shit. You gotta stick it out. Dude, are you sure you wanna release this? I mean, I guess, I don't know. I don't think it'd be bad.


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[Assistant] I don't think it's that big of a deal. I'm fucking knocking down the- I'm pioneering the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pioneer in the way for fucking straight dudes who fucking fucking jerk off to weird shit on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to work in a beer distributor and the only chick I saw was this fat Puerto Rican lady. And I used to go in like the shitty beer distributor bathroom and fucking like jerk off to this fat Puerto Rican lady because that was all I could conjure up in my mind.


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[Assistant] It's not that wild. Yea it is man. When you're on the internet dude, it's like fucking virtual reality.


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[Assistant] Plain Jane. You're, dude, you're a straight fucking pad of butter, dude.


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[Assistant] Honestly, down that rabbit hole. That reminds you of like, when like my, my ex-wife was like, be like, we should watch porn. She'd like, show me the porn. I'd be like, yea, that's fucking cute. Go ahead. Yea, alright. Yea, that's nothing. I'm like, alright. It's like coloring, it's like coloring with little kids. Yea, yea, yea. Yeah, it's good, it's good.


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[Assistant] I told her, I told her, mom, the one thing you gotta get, she's fucking, dude, my fucking tweets to the rock.


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[Assistant] I mean, they are shatination, dude. They birthed shatination. True. Just take it, take it as that, dude. You did it.


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[Assistant] We'll, we'll listen to it. 100%. 100%. Alright. Lie, I'm telling you, dude. The only way is on- Dude, all of our secrets are gonna get leaked out in five years anyway.


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[Assistant] Dude, I knew people who used to get into such disgusting pornholes where like they would find a porn star who looked like someone they knew and then pull up that person's Facebook and then a porn video and switch back and forth and jerk off, dude. Swear to God, it wasn't me.


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[Assistant] No. Oh man. Yeah, dude. That's like, you want to talk about pornholes, dude.


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[Assistant] That is always the best though, when you find a porn star that looks like someone you like. I mean, that's one thing you can do.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you. It's not gay. It's fucking like wartime stuff, dude. I'm a soldier.


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[Assistant] Dude, that's fucking way more than my sisters would fetch on the market.


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[Assistant] If you gave my mom like a barrel of like chlorine for the pool, you could just- I could have the sisters. She'd be like, here's both of them. Package deal. That's pretty sick. She'd sever my sister's marriage and be like, take both. Two for one.


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[Assistant] You might get a fucking cousin out of the deal too. You might get a small fucking, you might get a small fucking ginger harem.


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[Assistant] Alright, it's settled. So it's fucking settled. Land deals are off.


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[Assistant] Through that movie, I was thinking about that today, how fucking hilarious that is, where it's like, this guy just like chokes this chick and utterly just demeans her, and it's, he's a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, that's, that was women's top porn searches were.


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[Assistant] Fucking billionaire, werewolf, vampire.


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[Assistant] Literally. They just want a guy to be like, come here. I have so much fucking money. You're a prisoner in my house. And they're like, this is so romantic. If it was like fucking a plumber, like, this is where I fuck chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, how like, it's totally fine, how girls be like, oh my god, we need, uh, the patriarchy sucks, and it's like, here's a billionaire who's like, get in my fuck dungeon, like, that's the best. Yeah, this is so awesome.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, this is fucking horrendous. You should have never admitted to being gay. Dude, all I can be is honest.


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[Assistant] I can't lie. I can't shroud myself in secrecy, dude. My life's an open fucking book. But I will say those porn searches are fucking...


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[Assistant] Think about the future, dude. When Disney goes out of ba- when Disney will go out of business, it'll be- you'll be sitting down watching your kids be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is cream pie porn. That'll be like your kid's fucking Beauty and the Beast. What? Yea. Cream pies are fucking family entertainment, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 50 years when the fucking artificial intelligence takes over, it'll just be like, you'll be watching just like different cream pie porns with your kids. Instead of like frozen, it'll just be like, black dude, cream pies, white wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's groundbreaking. This is fucking insane. You're basically Piers Morgan, dude.


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[Assistant] If someone exposed you're not, and if someone exposed their truth, you'd be like, get out of here, you'd be like, woah, fucking- Wait, what'd you just say, I'm not? You're not ugly, hell no. Ew dude, take it easy.


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[Assistant] I know how you are. You want, you think I wanna fuck you? No. You need tits dude. I got sick tits. Throw some tits on. Fucking go tanning. Go tanning for like. Oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This chick wanted to get with me in the bar. I was like, what happened? He's like, oh, she was peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if a 21 year old came in here right now, if I was at a bar and a 21 year old shit her pants, she's like, I shit my pants, I gotta go home, I'd be like, I'll go home, and I'd fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 21 year old was like, come wipe my ass. I'd fucking bust out the wipes and wipe her ass. I would, I know I would. I'd get the detachable shower head, I'd hose her down.


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[Assistant] This is so normal to me. You were telling me that would be a deal breaker.


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[Assistant] But what if they like, did it, what if, what if they weren't drunk and it was all part of a ploy, if they were like, hey, this is what I'm into, I just shit my pants, you gotta take me home and clean me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can hear me say episode. Shane show me his fucking hot porn dude.


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[Assistant] If you talk about sex, if you talk about sex to another guy or show him porn and get them hard, you're fucking gay. Newsflash dude. If you're bragging about pussy and you make another guy hard, you're gay. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gay, dude. If I was like, dude Shane, one time in high school I had same bed sex, me, my boy, two chicks, we both fucked chicks.


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[Assistant] Fuck no. Did you touch? No bro, we fucking switched base though.


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[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not, dude, it's not even about the men, it's about the multiple women. You just need a tag team partner, bro.


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[Assistant] I do that in bunk beds, dude. Yeah, same thing. Yeah, exactly. We should do a squiggle vision, dude. That's how hetero I am. I came up on fucking squiggle vision, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever dude, you had a fucking boner. Dude, we used to in grade school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to do this thing in grade school, we like made up this thing called the Boner Club, cause I went to Catholic grade school, so like one day out of the week you'd wear a sweatsuit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you'd wear like a green and gold sweatsuit and we'd like, we would get boners in class and be like, yo, you'd be like, a boner. I feel like sick. We convinced this one kid. We're like, yo, if you want to be in the boner club, dude, you got to get a boner and walk up and get a tissue and then come back and you'll be in the club. And as soon as he got in front of the class, we're like, Tommy O'Hara, what's, what's he doing?


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[Assistant] He had a fucking heart on, dude. This is fucking sick. The old Tammy had a little, dude, he like, he pointed it upwards so it was sticking up. When you point it up, it looks so much smaller. If you let the dom go south, your boner looks fucking good. If you let it stick up, it's like, what the fuck is that thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. This dude's probably a CEO right now. Well, if you jerked off in grade school, you're definitely fucking, well, either you're in jail or you're a CEO right now. There's no middle ground. No middle ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in terms of our enemies dude. It's like, let's get up and swing it dude.


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[Assistant] He is, dude, fuck him, I would tell him that to his face. Ah, would you? Yes, 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went down a fuckin' rabbit hole, dude. Hard CITES, smokin' fuckin' weed, smokin' sativas. That's all roads lead to tranny porn, dude.


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[Assistant] God fucking dammit. I had other stuff to talk about dude, I don't have to wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way too, as soon as you start jerking off, you're basically like a crackhead. 10 years old, and when you jerk- Oh I jerked off at 10, but it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so you had a couple years. Seventh grade was my first nut. Bro, I was jerking off before I could nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a sad experience. It's not sad. It's a fuckin' come into each tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. Now gay Matt is doing drugs. I'm not fucking doing drugs. That's what gay people do dude, we do drugs. What do you mean we? I'm kidding. Am I gay? I was actually smoking a high CBD strain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, you shouldn't just, like, force yourself. Did I tell you how I started smoking weed? No. Dude, literally. I just graduated 8th grade. And I was on the Ocean City boardwalk. And two, I'm not making this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was sitting on the boardwalk, two hot older chicks came up to me and they're like, hey, do you want to smoke weed with us? I instantly, if they had been fucking crack, I'd have been like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two hot chicks on the boardwalk, and then. Sixth grader. Literally, that's fucking awesome. Their mom came up and picked them up and they just left me and I was just like, well I guess I smoke weed now, fucking this is sweet. Ever since eighth grade, yeaah. Those two hot chicks. Or ninth grade, ever since ninth grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, when I was in 6th grade, there was a, there was, you know, obviously hot 8th graders. I was chilling in the auditorium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's literally the pinnacle of your boner when you're in 6th grade and what happened, I was sitting down in like the auditorium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like the gymnasium floor, and I had, I was sitting on, you know, you were sitting on the floor, you had to put your hands out to hold you up. This fucking 8th grader laid down and rested her tit on the back of my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even just that, it's like if your parents don't pay for Catholic school, they kinda hate you. True. No, very true.


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[Assistant] 100%. He's a patron saint of sexual chastity.


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[Assistant] What? I had a dream about- fuck this is fucking really weird. Alright. I had a dream recently- Oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm telling- yes, 100%. I have a weird thing about- I'm like, I have to stop watching porn. I feel- even if- I can watch two lesbians making out and I'm like, I gotta stop watching porn. The other- I had a dream the other night that there was- there was the devil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a night, it was a nightmare, dude. It was like a John C. Reilly type laying on his stomach just watching me. I was like, dude, what the fuck? This is the devil. And I just, dude, for like five days I couldn't crank it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this true? Dude, that was a true dream I had, I swear to God. Ah, man. I have vivid dreams. Dude, I dream- I saw the devil in my dream, he was fucking, he was delighted I was jerking off. I dream about like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I dream about like, shooting people, the devil. My dreams are fucked up. Yea man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, whatever. One of them. There's two of them. You'll never guess who.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea dude, dude, if you fingered dude, you didn't wash your hands. Dude, my 8th grade bae and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my first like, meanderings with Sniz were like, it'd be like a seventh grade fucking boy-girl party, which was like, it was a big deal, and like, I'd be like, tucked away near like an HVAC unit in a utility closet like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this isn't helping the cows, dude. Right? This isn't helping the cows.


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[Assistant] Damn dude, it's fucking sick you call me jacked. Yea dude, you look good. Where are we at? Where are we at on this crazy thing called the fucking podcast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always want to keep this thing rolling. Just keep it fucking rolling, bro. What else was I talking about? Probably something gay. Fuck you, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there is something about dudes wrestling that literally makes me laugh just forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even something about just two dudes like drunk and wrestling, there's something slightly gay about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the dude is like, alright you won. That's kinda like your dick in their ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so fucking hetero, like, I exhausted the internet of just, I've seen every porn, and I was like, well what else you got? And I was like, alright, they got tits, and a dick, bring it on, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got fat tits and you fly a rope up in the air, stayin' away. But I can appreciate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fat fucking ass dude. My thing is like, fat tits, fat tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not showing my ass. Alright. Fat tits, fat ass, pretty face. You got most of the package. You got a bird? God damn it. Alright, fucking, I'll deal with it. You deal with a bird? On a fucking internet search? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, bird in real life, I don't wanna like, smell a bird or have a bird fucking shoot come on me, dude. I don't fucking want that. But on the internet? You're in virtual reality, dude. What, Shane? You asked for this, dude. You wanted this to go longer. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he'll fucking like me. Dude, I work in construction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They house felons, sexual deviants, tranny porn jerk-offers. Dude, exactly. It's like being a trucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every trucker does something gay in their lives, dude. You get out on the fucking road in Nebraska, you stop, there's a fucking little boy who needs a ride, you just get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was for truckers, dude. You're in the fucking lot and some little tweaker comes up and you're like, get in his truck, boy. And you're like, you faggot and you throw him off the Grand Canyon, dude. The Grand Canyon was man-made to throw gay boys. Dude, Mount Rushmore, it's all the Illuminati, Mount Rushmore looks over the Grand Canyon, the founding fathers


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[Assistant] People throwing pennies on you from the top. Good god. But yea, that's basically the fucking- Alright, alright, I got one more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi fucking Sativa. I'm gonna go to rehab for fucking tranny porn, CITES, and Hi Sativa, dude. They're gonna be like, dude, you love weed and fucking CITES.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Citey porn would be sick. Citey porn would just be, ah man. It would be fucking the hottest chicks. I swear to god. There's smoking porn, there's such thing. Yeah, I know about that. Girls smoke cigarettes, I don't like that. That's one thing dude, I'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna write a status right now and be like, uh, what is it about, like, white male comedians who think they can just say faggot, uuuh. What, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I noticed that, when I was like in 5th grade, I was playing baseball in the outfield, and I was like, dude, I had veins in my forearm, and I had veins in my hand, and I was like, I thought it was from playing baseball, I was like, fuck yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my, dude. Ew, dude, little sister friends are probably so hot. They become, it's like fine wine, dude. It's probably absurd. As the years go on, dude, they become greater. They're always hotter for the rest of your life. Dude, get this. I have a fucked up story about older sisters, but I don't have any older sisters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They practice sex stuff on you? Good god. It's cool. My friend absolutely won't name this guy. I have a friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, his friend has a super hot sister. This is a real story he told me in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. North or South Italian. He probably had fucking a hard bird. Anyway though, but this is a sick, this is the ultimate, ultimate power move. So his friend who had a hot sister stole his t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, give me my t-shirt, I know you took it, blah, blah, blah, blah. So he goes to this guy's house finally, goes through his like, downstairs, family, laundry. This dude had, now mind you, this dude has a hot sister. Grabs a pair of his sister's panties out of the laundry. So he's like, naturally I sniff him, pop him in my pocket, he's like, sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find my t-shirt, I go upstairs, I'm like, you fucking asshole, you have my t-shirt, and he's like, ha ha ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dude I knew was like, yo, I just fucked this shit last night, she left her panties at my house. He's like, let me, he's like, let me see them, let me see them. He's like, here, take a whiff. This dude smelled his sister's panties and went, oh dude, that's fucking heavenly. And the kid put them in his pocket and never told him his whole fucking life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you have hot sisters. And don't let people into your fucking family laundry if you have hot sisters. Oh, it's so horrific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kid never told anyone. He's like, dude, he told me about it and he's like, I never told that kid and I never will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucked up. It's criminal. It is fucked up. It's fucked up. It's criminal. However, I can appreciate the fucking guile behind it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dude, that's not even enemy, that's some guy who likes, it was like a Jesus is my homeboy t-shirt and he was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the tag, dude. I'm hetero plus, dude. I'm so fucking hetero, dude. Every now and again. So many times. Sorry, I gotta unplug my fridge. It's fucking loud as shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about it, dude. Channel that old asian man, dude. I got you. Ladies and boys, dude. Dude, right now, I'd be a copper mine millionaire, dude, if I'd been there that night. I'd have been like, yeah, dude, here's all my money. Bring all those fucking LBs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta un- you gotta suck a bird to unlock the next level, dude. Ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, every week it's just like, what are we gonna do? Oh, here's this thing, here's this thing off the top of our heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vanilla Ice, I'm MC Hammer, we're just about, the bottom is about, the wheels are falling off of this thing. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're done. Later, you fucking dickheads. You got anything else? Digital graffiti? Oh yeah, June 3rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On June 22nd-24th at Punchline with Kurt Messger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because you know when she'll fuckin' all their, all their boys will be like, yeah, well, you wanna see how fuckin' non-progressive we are? No one in. Shit. Or Kid Rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo dude, I, uh, we went, we tried to hire a midget for a sketch years ago. Really? Years ago. And we had to like, go to a talent agency that only like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they deal with little people. They only deal with- That's it. And I like center the premise and the premise was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, uh, like we were like, uh, two like fake sports agents that like, we like sent speakers out, like go to like these big events. So it'd be like, John Crook will talk at your event. And then he gets there and it's a midget dressed as John Crook. And like in the paperwork, it says Lil John Crook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like we just, we just have all these, all these, uh, midgets that are dressed as like famous people. So we call this place and we're like, here's the premise, we'll pay like full price. Oh. And the price was, it was a lot. Of course. It was a lot. It was like our whole budget. And uh, the lady was like, I don't really feel comfortable with this premise.


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[Assistant] And she was like, nah, I don't think so. And then she hung up. And then I put it on Craigslist and like...


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[Assistant] Three days later, some dude sent me a thing, he's like, I'll do it, and I was like, great.


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[Assistant] Here's the price, talk them down. And then he finally sends me an email. Also was like, you must be able to use roller blades. Must be able to operate on roller blades. So again, I'm young. I'm like fucking 26. This is, I regret it. But, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, chill. And I wasn't like fucking throwing him against a velcro wall or anything, like I wasn't doing the b- like I really wasn't, I was like, you're gonna be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idiots in the sketch are us. Yeah. You're not you. So like it's just actin' it for a day. Dude. Maybe like $2,000? Lil' John Croc dude. Lil' John Croc? Come on.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be super, I'm gonna be super gay right now. Yeah. That's, I've been genuinely trying to stop saying that word.


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[Assistant] Uh, I feel like, cause it's so easy to say. Like I did it forever. Yeah. Up till like last year. Stop saying it.


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[Assistant] But like, so like, but, but the reason I said it is because I saw some fucking comic.


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[Assistant] But like, Shane says all the shit and he doesn't mean it, like he's just fucking around. But like, I saw comics, some fucking super liberal comic, who has literally made his career on being like,


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[Assistant] And you're like, but you're, the joke is that being gay is, you're making it seem like being gay is bad.


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[Assistant] Old black people. It's all old black people and they're like the friendliest fucking people. Cause they're like, they're just like kinda like, they're still like pretty fucking athletic. Like, but they're all using like, like, like the tricep machine. Like, just like fucking.


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[Assistant] Weird machines like that. Anyways, uhm, there's this old fucking dude that like stares at women on the treadmill. Cause I always use like the first treadmill and there's like always this girl who's just walking and she's very hot.


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[Assistant] And this dude just sits on the bench and just looks right at her and then he just does concentration curls.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm talking. I'm talking fresh off the boat. Yeah. Like I saw a girl on a train once and like she had her luggage in front of her and the, like the septic conductor was like, you know, septic conductors, they're not like friendly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, move your bag. And the girl just stared at her. And just stared at her, she's like, I don't know. And she pointed at her bag, she's like, move your bag. So like, even if you don't know the language, you're like, I fucking know what she's saying. And she just stared at her.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, she's, that's a robot dude, that's not a fucking real person. She's like, like she's not even responding. And the woman had to move it for her, and after she moved it, she like jammed it into this girl's legs. And the girl just looked back at her phone. It was like...


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[Assistant] That's bizarre. But I guess that's like some, I guess she probably is from a culture that like, people just bang into you all the time and they don't...


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[Assistant] Oh, that's like the girl from fucking, what was that shitty movie that we were just talking about?


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[Assistant] You know what her name is? Awkwafina. But it's like A-Q-W-A-F-I-N-A. The Asian girl in that movie?


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[Assistant] Dude, how is that not a fucking red flag? How are people not lighting up message boards about that? I don't know, it's weird. I don't know how they get away with that.


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[Assistant] It's fucking, you say like, I don't think Jeffrey Tambor's show is funny. And people are like, you're a fucking transparent, it's not a funny show.


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[Assistant] When I opened for him, and all weekend he'd be like, you know what I miss about Cassie?


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[Assistant] Have you ever seen that movie, uh, what was that movie, that fucking Lars von Trigger movie? It's like there's, it's like it's, I don't know, I'd have to look it up, but there's like a scene in the movie, and I always saw it on the preview, where like the girl's clearly blowing a dude on the train, and like the dude like looks at his wedding ring.


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[Assistant] And then she like sits up and just cum falls out of her mouth. And it was in a preview. Wow. I like watched it on YouTube. They gave that away in a preview? Yea dude.


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[Assistant] What she was like, and like she like grabs it real quick. What?


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[Assistant] Yeah, think of a movie, think of a movie where you see cum. You don't get a lot of good cum special effects. Oh dude, uh, the sounds of the lambs, she throws cum on her face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yo dude, I fucking just read a script that was for, uh, it was like a, I don't, some content, I don't give a fuck, maybe here's, it was for some contest in Philadelphia and it was about these gay characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my, my response to it, I was like, this is the worst script I've ever read. The whole script was, it was like, gay guy broad city.


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[Assistant] And like, it was just these gay guys that were like uhm, one of them was just like a regular likeable character, like a regular person. Man, that hurts. Who just happens to be gay. That hurts to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, but like, you're just like, alright, that's, that's, that's how gay characters should be on TV. It's like, just a guy who turns out exactly, he's, he's gay. He's just a fucking person who's gay. Yup. And the other one was like,


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[Assistant] Like, it's not that it's like, it grosses me out, it's just like, you're fucking, it's not funny, and you're protected.


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[Assistant] By the fact that you'll be like, yeah, it's, you know, what do you, what do you hate gay people if you don't like it? It's like, no, it's not funny. It just isn't funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nasty. It just was fucking, and I specifically wrote and like I sent back to the woman like, I was like, I don't even want to score this, cause I had five scripts to read. I was like, this is one of the worst scripts I've ever read in my life. Wow. And I was like, these are unlikable characters. And I was like, this is cliche hack gay jokes.


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[Assistant] But it's, but it's just like everything was like, yeah, like I'm, like it was some, some guy at a fucking bar, he's like, well me and my boyfriend are trying to do anal, and somebody comes along and he's like, girl, you were always talking about doing anal, stuff like that, where you're like, this is not how people fucking talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it shouldn't be a caricature of a person. My issue always when I, I remember like back like right after college, or like I guess when people were supposed to go to college, but I didn't, but I, there was like, there was like a timer.


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[Assistant] Girls would be like, you gotta be my friend. He's crazy. And you're like, I was just gay. And I would be like, that's kind of weird that you treat him like a novelty because he's gay. Like, isn't he just like a regular dude?


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[Assistant] And then I'd meet them and they would be like, hey, what's going on? But yeah, but he's like, when he gets drunk, he's crazy. It's like, are you just trying to tell me he's gay? Like,


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[Assistant] You know how fucking nice it would be if homophobia didn't exist and you could be like, stop acting like that. Just be gay, you fucking idiot.


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[Assistant] The worst thing about fucking people hating gays is that we gotta put up with fucking bad gay comics. True.


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[Assistant] We wouldn't have to fucking do it if people were just fucking cool with gay people. Well they're dudes. If you were just like- Just be fucking cool about it and then we don't have to fucking listen to these guys and pretend they're good. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's great gay comics that are just like, yeah, here's a part of me that's, this is about me being gay, obviously you're gonna talk about your life.


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[Assistant] When you're like doing set after set, where you're like, clearly you're pulling laughs from a s- not even pulling laughs, but like,


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[Assistant] True. Well did you see Cashmere Outside got a record deal? I did, I saw her music video. Fuckin' Atlantic Records.


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[Assistant] I don't know any better, dude. I don't know if shit's good. Like people were like, that Taylor Swift song sucks. I'm like, does it? I don't know.


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[Assistant] It's like a catchy pop song. How does it, how, what's, what, what makes that not sucking Kendrick Lamar songs better? I don't even know anymore. I don't even know.


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[Assistant] It's fucking hard, it's harder for- like when I- I watch Neighbors 2 just to like-


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[Assistant] And I started texting Shane and I think Shane had mentioned it before to me and it was like,


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[Assistant] But you know what's weird? It's like that fucking, that invigorates fucking boring women in like Connecticut. So like some rich girl in Connecticut who has no personality, she watches a show like that and she's like, she'll literally look at the YouTube comments, she'll be like, this is me and my friends. That's what they fucking write. This is definitely us.


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[Assistant] When they hear something, when you're not interesting, you go, that's so me.


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[Assistant] See, but that's, that's better than somebody going, this is me, because they don't have a personality, so they're trying to pull it from some shit like that, and then you have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, just some girl on Instagram being like, I'm just trying to get fucked up and suck D. And you're like, no you're not. You're just fucking not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to do that, I used to do that too, but now I like, uh, I find myself like, I give myself a little leeway now, like I like memes. I always thought they were fucking corny, but it's like, once you, once you let go of that shit, like thinking you're cooler, like you think you're some fucking.


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[Assistant] No, but that, but what I'm saying is that guy is very confident as a, like, he's like, this is my per, I am, this is, I am that guy. It's like, no you're not. You fucking, you watched Barstool's Instagram feed.


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[Assistant] Dude, it's, it's frightening. Like there was, I knew dudes that like, uh, would only like quote movies and stuff. Yeah, that's the best actually. Like after high school and then like when I saw them grow, it's like, oh, they don't even, they don't even know.


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[Assistant] Who they are, like what they like, or like what is something to like, I don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you like, when you, cause you're gonna, you're, you're both gonna see success sooner than most people would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then eventually you'll be like, I don't even, why would you even fucking think about dudes like that? Like dudes that like work in cubicles and like, Oh, what are you still doing your podcasts? Like, yeah, I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, an office is tough man, it's like, I don't know, that would fucking kill me man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't have the ability to like, when I would go there I would just be like, I can't, I can't do this the rest of my life. I would think about it when I was like, am I going to be 40 doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, ooh, boy's getting friendly, or something like that. It was like something real, like I was trying to like be chummy. I was fucking 21 years old. And they both jumped off the ladder and like got in my face. Like, you calling us faggots? And I was like, no, no, no, I was just saying like, cause you were touching his butt. And he was like, I was helping him get to the top. And I was like, alright dude, alright dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like fist clenched, like, they weren't. I was like, am I going to do this until I'm 45? Like, just beat around the gay Mexican bush for the rest of my fucking life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that they're like dumb enough to be able to do it, but they can hunker down and be like, no, I'm going to stick this out, I'm going to get a house, I'm going to get a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Pick up hunting accidents. Something attainable. Well, you know, that was like the thing about like when people were like, uh, do you sure you like being a dad? Like, I'm like, yeah, because I have a bunch of stuff in my life that I like.


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[Assistant] Like if I didn't, I don't know if, who knows, like maybe the, like when you have a newborn and they're fucking crying all the time and like they're waking up, like all that stuff probably is really hard if you hate the rest of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly what happened. I don't think so. I think they wander off into the woods. Into the hills of fucking Chilupo, dude. I think the only time Mexicans do gay stuff is in full cowboy attire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gay. Si, Ramon is very pretty. He is muy guapo. Plus too, I'm sure after they have gay sex they knife fight and whoever like, survives. You have to stab the person to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They literally, every gay Mexican dude in history, they had sex in the woods, wearing, you know, whatever cowboy outfit was appropriate, and then it was a knife fight to the death. And then, yeah. One walked away, and then notched his fucking holster, his leather belt. Yep. All the fucking dudes.


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[Assistant] Damn, who's just fucking up all the gay dudes? All those guys? Sex him.


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[Assistant] That's true. What if it's, uh, Sasquatch? I think Sasquatch is split in cheeks, dude.


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[Assistant] A lot of, well I could say one for sure, there's Ridley Creek State Park. A lot of times like that's a hotbed for gay activity. Like wooded areas, you sneak back


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is funny to think about, dude. It's like, you think you're walking in the woods, just having a peaceful time, dude. There could be dudes in there waiting. It could be a Sasquatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think Trump's working with? What do you mean? Like D wise.


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[Assistant] The one of- it's probably one of his like- Come on. It's like his uh-


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[Assistant] Well there's two speeds, either you go on a podcast and take it over. Yeah, fuck that. Or you chill in the darkness.


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[Assistant] No one's funny enough thinking about this today, no matter like, in terms of fame.


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[Assistant] You could be like a really good comedian, Comedy Central special, on your way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I'm saying, these dudes are funny. They're both hilarious. But in terms of like flexing famed dick, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're mailing him to the house. It's bullshit. Dude, while I was back with, uh, fuck was that guy's name again? James David? James Davis? Oh god. He did that show. I had a feature. And, uh, I did the first night, everything went well, the guy was cool, and like a motherfucking weasel behind my back cuts me off. Cuts me off the show. James David.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I believe you, because I, you know, I was, uh, you know, I witnessed, I was witnessing his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I feel like you also would figure out a way to be like, alright, well, yeah, let me do something so this guy doesn't get boned out. Yeah, for sure. So this guy was just like, fuck him. And then, so I went back down, you know, I was- How old was he? How old is he? I don't think he's that old, man. I don't- I think he's younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just let me go, like, go ahead dude, I don't give a fuck. But the, uh, he was, at one point I was like, dude, I'm talking to, I think, a younger person here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my thing was like, and this is what I see a lot now, where it's like, the celebrity persona's there. It's like, you got, you know, cool clothes, you got like, you walk out, you're like, hey, hey, I'm blazed right now, I'm high and everything. But it was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. You get that money, I guarantee you, but the producer was there, the one show, and this dude was just like a fucking, it was just a fat nerd with Jordans on, and he was like, oh hey James, la la la, and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all just kissing each other's asses, he's like, we're definitely going to get season 2 going up for you, right? And it's like, the guy- I thought they already cancelled it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it's built for. I can see that. He explained the concept. That's the other thing too. Like I'm listening to this guy who someone, you know, network gave money to for this. Well, what's he look like? He looks cool. He looks like, yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it on stage, he was like, my show's called Hood Adjacent, cause like, I grew up like next to the hood, like I'm here, the hood's right here. Like, I was right next to the hood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yeah, exactly, exactly. Dude, it was like, the fact that he pitched that to a room full of people, they're like, hmm, oh, to Jason, you were kind of near there, but you weren't. Oh, that's perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, I got a couple like, are you alright? Cause I sat there, so this was non-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, you know how, you know how like, I'm like, hey, I know you know this, but there's like a certain mentality, and I swear by this, and you know, if you're in an office your whole life, maybe you don't notice this, but if you spend your, from like 21 to 30 in a corporate office, it morphs your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm listening to this guy, he's giving a speech, and he's like, you know, just doing this crazy stuff, like trying crazy fusion restaurants, and I'm sitting here like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, they didn't do that. But only because the guy was so, like this dude was so, so white, that that would have been, he did a mother son dance and he just kind of stood there, he didn't even dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy gives a speech to best man. It looks exactly like the groom, but it's his jacked brother. The groom wouldn't drink. Well his brother was like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where did we just get, they're from like Ohio. Everyone at this fucking wedding is from the middle of the country. So the brother had an idea, dude was like watching an open mic'er. He had an idea, he had like five pages written out that he's holding on to. He's like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup, and he's like, let you know if, you know, if this thing goes off the tracks, my fault, and like whatever, my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, so he goes up there and I could tell that the whole joke of his set was that he had to paint himself as like a die-hard car, like a gearhead. And then his brother didn't know anything about cars and like make fun of his brother for not knowing about cars. So then he'd be like, yeah, you know, he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Letting these, like, it was, it was like, literally, it was a structured nervous breakdown. And it went on for five minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the stock. He didn't do that. His whole thing was like, he was always together. Then one day I just kind of noticed him becoming a man while I never did. And it was just sad and like, then he'd be like, yea but he doesn't know anything about cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those entrances would honestly, like that's something that would deter me from getting married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder though if you never did stand up, if you would have still noticed that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I did that, and then like the bride and groom were up there alone. And if you're at- if you have a wedding, that sucks. If you're a bride and groom, you're only the one- you're the only one's dancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I was all about it. I'm like, dude, I'm gonna make so much money. You can make a ton of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, and then, or, and you gotta announce and be like, give it up for, uh, coming down the aisle. Dude, I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill it. I'm gonna make so much money. I like went, dude, I went through like training and everything. I went to my first wedding and had a shadow of DJ and I sat there and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to fucking drive off a bridge, dude. I can't, dude. I couldn't, dude. You can make fucking, you know, a grand a week doing that shit. And I just was like, I'll fucking kill myself. It'd be sick if you killed yourself out of way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guessing. Or do you think he was just fucking around with a horse thinking it wouldn't fuck him in the butt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be the worst thing I think we've ever discussed. No, no, no, no, I'm not done. My thing is that imagine the moment of regret when he gets those claws on you, dude. You're 11 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A long time ago that was like, it was, I mean, I'm going off anecdotal evidence, but it was like, there was child molesters back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a guy, I worked with a guy who, he was like a drug addict, but he used to go, he was like telling me how he used to go to this guy's house in Upper Darby and this guy would take pictures of you in your underwear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, woe is right, he probably has weird sexual shit now that he's like, like if he like-


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[Assistant] I think he was retarded the whole time. What if his mom did get decapitated? She might have gotten decapitated. And he was a retarded kid who caught his mother's head. And was like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how every accident in mechanics park ends in a decapitation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought there was a Christopher Columbus thing, like actually, like, everyone else worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't know if you know the true story, it's when there was a big basket of fruit that we shared with the Native Americans and we all ate it and had fun. That's it. And we were dressed like the Quaker oatmeal guy.


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[Assistant] Fucking idiots. Then we wrestle them all far less.


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[Assistant] No, we ate, we ate that, we ate the cornucopia, we ate some squash, and some turkeys, and then we, uh, we're like, yo guys, we're gonna build you guys some casinos, you're about to get super rich, and you're like, woah, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's way worse. Now the NISC casinos are a good deal, you know. You get to get in there and fucking, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should get him on and then just beat Dom. Get the fuck out. Yea, you old idiot. Nah, you legend. Later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda wanna get a job now and just see how hard I can Gary V out in there and just try to execute so hard. Gary V!


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[Assistant] I don't know, man. Like, there are so many people who will read that and be like, oh man, dude, I need this kick in the ass. This is good. This is exactly what I need, Gary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ben Affleck's playing in it. It's like dude, who fucking cares? That's when people, when Ninja Turtles came out and people were like, I don't know man, like, I think they fucked up on the new Ninja Turtles. It's like dude, you're 35.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. It's for fucking 12 year olds. Yeah. It's, that's shit, so that's the weirdest thing to me. And it's, it's celebrated though, they like latch on to like childhood entertainment stuff. It's like, yeah, man, I fucking love it. It's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I'm listening to that same book. They talk about- Thank you for saying listening, dude. Thank you. I appreciate it. It does sound shitty, but thank you. Either way. Dude, they hit me onto the moron class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So someone named Goddard came up with the term moron and it was for like sneaky idiots who like looked normal and then you'd get to know them like fuck this guy's retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they were trying to pass bills where like, they would find moron women. Cause they were trying to like, there was a huge-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the thing, eugenics was huge back then. There was a department of eugenics where they were trying to stop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you catch them doing their act in the mirror before they go on, automatic not going through. It's a moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I've been thinking about lately, man. That's really great. I've been fucking, I've been working lately. Really? 4am wake up like Jaco. I wake up at 4am, take a picture, I send it to my brother. Like Jaco takes a picture of it. Oh shit. I sent it to my brother this morning at 425 and he sent me one back of him driving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or sometimes, you know, I climb up a little bit and get a little acrobatic, but like, I'd have to either slip out of my harness, which, you know, I should tighten it up a little bit, or the lift-flips, dead. What the fuck are you doing? Working. My father summoned me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them will get high. The people who go high are typically Native Americans and Irish people.


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[Assistant] Dude, I was at work today and I'm like, I'm up in the air and I'm like, I'm like 80 feet up and like I thought about it. I was like, dude, I could get a, I could get a GoPro.


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[Assistant] I'd like to see him come up here. I'm all day up there just next to my brother, dude. The fuck are you gonna do about it, Dairy Queen? I'm next to my brother on my father's orders, dude, risking my life. That's fucking... That guy's like, I don't know, I don't really like the show.


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[Assistant] It's one of those things where I'm like, I don't give a fuck cause it doesn't right now affect me at all. No, of course. But like if I was like, everyone I know in my town was out of a job, I'd be like, alright man, this is fucking bullshit.


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[Assistant] That is funny though, because I never gave a fuck about immigration, but I also, it's like...


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[Assistant] It's like, well, we shouldn't even have the borders. It's like, all right, we'll unlock your door, take your door off the hinge.


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[Assistant] True. Like, you need borders. You have your houses walled off. Why? Because you don't want some fucking dude to roll in there. Yea. You don't want a lad coming in. Yea, you don't want a lad.


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[Assistant] He looks like Super Mario, dude. He looks like, almost like James Gandolfini.


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[Assistant] The Gamecocks. Yeah, that's a good squad.


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[Assistant] Dynasty, some may call it. What do you think about? I think they're going all the way.


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[Assistant] I think they're going to take the ball, I think they're going to win all the balls, dude. They had a lad quarterback for a while. They had a lad? They had a guy named Garcia. Really? Yea. Sometimes Garcia's are like Mexican royalty. True.


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[Assistant] They're all, so it's just non-stop sex memes, and it'll be like, someone will put a thing like, sex relieves stress, and there's like a guy in like a fucking suit, just like, holding a naked girl.


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[Assistant] Then there's like, guys will come on and be like, ladies, post some selfies, and it's just a bunch of fucking like... Morons. Yeah. Sad morons. All of them are named Don.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'm trying to find, there's like all these- Don't be like a lady with her legs spread in a bikini, like, what does this picture smell like? Everyone's like-


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[Assistant] It's literally, girls will go on and post a picture of their like butt and it'll be like 40 guys being like, damn baby, I'd lick your ass all night. It's like, oh yeah?


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[Assistant] So here, this sums it up. It's like, I'm about to, and it's like a, what is that called? Fucking an acronym?


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[Assistant] Let's read what the fuck, dude it's so 30 or 40 times a work, that's funny.


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[Assistant] Dude, I remember they all got cricket mobiles, dude. And they were just like, it's just like, you know when you're like fifth grade and you finally see like picks where a chick like pops her nipple out?


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[Assistant] That's true. That'd be hard. I'd use all my nuts up.


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[Assistant] And then it's like, as often as he eats my pussy, Jason comes in, I totally agree with you, pleasure for pleasure. That's the only way. I enjoy eating pussy so we can both expect it daily. He's a two moron, dude.


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[Assistant] They should fucking sterilize this whole group. They're gonna bump into you and spill your coffee. You can sterilize these 23 thou. What do broccoli and sex have in common?


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[Assistant] Damn dude, that's so fucking funny. Damn, now they're breaking down the horoscope-wise dude.


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[Assistant] That's the funniest thing to me is thinking of like a plumber with like his administrative, administrative assistant wife, just like tying each other up and like eating each other's ass.


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[Assistant] You get the feeble, there's centers for feeble-minded boys. You just fucking, you take them in, you hold them for a while.


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[Assistant] Yeah. But, again, everything I've been listening to has a grain of truth to it. Well, yeah, I mean, there's just a level of like- It's like, yeah, if you get rid of all the mor- but dude, I mean,


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[Assistant] That's a sick fuckin' tank. The, the weed shirt. Unbelievable. The weed shirt's, um, unreal. Unfuckin' unbelievable. That's tied up from legal issues right now. Sick glass. Sick glass. Frosty perp nugs. Frosty.


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[Assistant] No, just sativas. Did we cover them all? Sick-ass frosty perp nugs. Indica's? I think Jeff just put sativas on there. Just sativas. Cause perp nugs are generally an indica trait, but. Oh nice, look at that.


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[Assistant] I don't know anything about that. That's like me in college football. Me and Joe. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] That's funny. And it's never fucking been good. See, I love it. I love smoking weed, but I also get to the point where like, if you smoke too much of it, I just feel fucking dumb. I literally, I'm like, man, my brain is fucking, there's parts of it that I put on snooze. Yea dude. And then I stop smoking weed and I get real serious.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's cool, but I get like, I get super fucking serious. I'm alright with you being serious. I'm fucking not fucking around right now. You seem like you're fucking around, dude. I'm not fucking around. You had better not be. I get super fucking serious. Uhm. So I'm on a serious, that's the best thing, dude. What? We've talked about it before. What? What dudes who aren't funny have to do to get pussy.


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[Assistant] You can't have that. It's like, what are you doing here? That's like... Get outta here. That's just like... Just fucked up, girls get that. Some girls that are that hot, it's like... It's just trouble.


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[Assistant] I actually coined a term the other day when, uh, I was at Helium and they were watching Catfish and they were trying to like, they were saying, that thing was like, is that girl?


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[Assistant] Yeah, same, same thing. Do you see, do you see that woman?


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[Assistant] So I think Sydney was saying that she was hot. Two other people were saying no. And they were like, one in my opinion. And as soon as she came out, I was like, dude, she has Walmart head.


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[Assistant] It's basically what it is, is guys going to get their haircuts and pretending they're on The Bachelor. That's how they talk. They're like, family is very important to me.


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[Assistant] Those dudes will have full-time jobs and do that on the side.


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[Assistant] True. That's still, that also though affects...


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[Assistant] White hipsters are the same exact way. Every fucking person I talk to like that's like, well I'm actually, uh, blah blah blah blah, and I do music, it's like...


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[Assistant] If I do that to them every time they had a stupid fucking take that I was like, that's absolutely retarded.


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[Assistant] I can't stand that man. That's what, that's what Philadelphia comedy is now. If you want to understand about Philadelphia.


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[Assistant] Just hang out with a bunch of people, be okay at it, if you know.


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[Assistant] Dude, they're doing five minutes for people who like, if you say certain words, they'll laugh.


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[Assistant] But they're all due to think, if that whole crowd of like, you know,


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[Assistant] Hip women comedian who are socially pushing whatever whatever, if they know that


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[Assistant] You can't, in the dudes, they're fucking lame counterparts, but if they know that they can kind of get something off you, if you're in a position above them, or like they can kind of, maybe if they're in your favor, they just leave you alone. They don't do anything to you.


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[Assistant] It's not funny. It's like, if you're literally doing that, you're not funny. Yep. The part that makes your brain funny, hears that and goes, ugh. And if you're like, and then it, you're not funny. That's literally, that's it.


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[Assistant] It's so contrived and you can't tell me the person doing that.


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[Assistant] Isn't in their head being like, yes, yes, yes while they're like, everyone's gonna know how good I am. It's like, dude.


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[Assistant] I mean, okay, assuming they're not lying just to butter someone's bread for some reason.


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[Assistant] Maybe your mental capacity, you see someone, you're like, that was phenomenal. It's like, not everyone's fucking, you know, maybe my, my, maybe my brain's fucked up.


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[Assistant] Otherwise, I'm like, yeah, I've seen them before. They're not, you know, they're doing their thing. When you watch them on the, anyone who does the open mics,


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[Assistant] When you- who doesn't consistently, when you see the contest, that's when you're like, alright, this person's better than your average fucking-


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[Assistant] But dude, it's like, you're not that good. That's the thing, like, you're doing it for two years, you're not important, you're not that good. Suck it up.


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[Assistant] I don't know where we're at. The whole thing too is like, my new fascination is with morons who have passed through college and now kind of understand certain abstract concepts. When you take it away, it's just like, it's just hollow. Absolutely still fucking morons.


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[Assistant] Just like social injustice to be like, yeah, there's, but they can't think about like, well, where did it come from? Who does it actually affect? It's dude, that's like plaguing people right now.


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[Assistant] Didn't we sit back and let them dogger it out for us?


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[Assistant] Literally cutting women's stomachs open and ripping out fetuses.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I told you about that, how they were uhm, that group was trying to abolish all police. In Chicago, it was like these activists. I think we talked about that. Trans women. Did we finish that? Did we or did we delete that? I forget.