[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last uber we got in, you fought. What'd I do? I didn't fight. I guarantee I didn't fight. You stopped finding a truck and you were screaming at him the whole time? The driver? Yea, the uber driver. You were angry there was a truck. It was right outside of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the ridge. Jays the one who called you a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I just, I was like, this is creepy. I didn't like it anyway. I thought it was kind of demeaning. But also like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never had a credit card and then I never paid my student loans and I've been poor for about three years so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bruh, fuck. Uh, just Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it, I don't know where my phone is. I think June 6th and 7th? No, that's with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next week, I don't know, I'll be at fuckin' Bananas Comedy Club soon. Hell yea. That one. Wow. Hasbro Kites? What's that one? Hasbro Kites, yea. Hell yea. I'm headlinin' there, it's important to me. Come out, please. Good for you dude, you're killin' it man, Shane's fuckin' cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, there's nothing. I'm, I, uh. He's doing something also, Skankfest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take as much free merch as I possibly can. I still got a dick pump in that closet. You do? I gotta get a fucking, some blue chews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I played, I played football and you had to go. You had to go. I just went right away. Just went right in. With, I was full. Let me ask you a question. In the tennis. Did you, do you have a small death? Uh, yea, chillin? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been saying the hogs have been out lately, especially now that dudes are wearing like fucking yoga pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it stinks. With the Bluetooth, it stinks. I've done it. It still sucks, but yeah. It's fine. It's better though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're pregnant. I got a good Bluetooth. And then of course you're pregnant. Uh, I snuck one. I took half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snuck one? Yea, I take half every once in a while. Why? I don't want to overdo it. You're just trying to buzz? Yea, just trying to hang thick. Just trying to hang thick. You're just trying to go out. That makes sense, it's just efficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other half was on the bed. I didn't realize it. It fell out of my pocket or something. We got done. We had great sex. She was like, that was amazing. I was like, hey, it's all natural. We got off the bed and I had smashed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good surgery. Yeah, labiaplasty. Oh wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying the shame, personally. Ah, fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, former fat guy, there's almost nothing worse than a former, former fat guy. Like a fat kid their whole life and then they get skinny and now they're fucking a hot guy, now they act like a hot guy. Oh, that guy you're talking about. I run into that a lot. You don't, you don't do that. No, cause I'm fat. I've had a lot of that in CrossFit. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, now they're athletes. Now that they're fucking 35. Now it's like now I'm fucking yoked. It's like why? Why now? Why are you jacked now? You should have done it when you could have played a sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take third party out of state checks? Actually pissed my pants wearing this. I got pissed on the bottom of this, yea. Sick. Sick, uh. I wasn't, I didn't like piss, I was trying to drive and piss in a bottle. What? Then the traffic started moving and my fucking dong went wild. I could do to contain it, just dance all over myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a picture of Angelblade. Wow, very dark. And I was freak. They're spooky. Spooky boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, both of this was just shit I would never ever, ever listen to. Uh, so it's, I mean, it's two zeros out of ten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give it to, so it's three to one, angel blade, so they're advancing anyway. I'll give the stallions a little fucking love. At least they lost by one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, don't disrespect the bands. Come on, these people work very hard. I'm going, I'm going brain medicine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't like that guy. Don't like what he's doing. Louis and Dave had a kid and then the tall handsome cool guy who I imagine was the vocals kind of sucked at singing and I think he just hotted his way into it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'll go second. Bundy in the spins. Okay. It's a tie. South.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounded like the clip was from like a part of the rap where it was just like a fucking interlude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you guys are a little high on South Fork. I think that kind of, I think that stunk a little. Oh really? You think so? That was pretty good. Slightly corny. I think they're corny dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, I will say bonus points, oh sorry. No, my vote is for Dusty Tucker. I will say bonus points for Halton and bad luck for actually having a black rapper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know, that instantly gives him some credibility, cause this is the battle that White Ravage- It was actually why I held that against them, in this case. Oh really? See, I think that helps him, but I liked- Both of them are good, but I like Dossie Tucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spider tat, fedora. Look at the gun!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dormong Midgets is number two overall for me right now. Yeah, who's number one overall for you? I like Dusty Tyler though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I got the same exact face. I understand. It's a dude. And the song is self-reliant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one would step to you, dude. No one would. Uuuh. Thanks. Fuzzy Coleman. I know they're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying it. Fuzzy Coleman. Hi guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know like background music for like Red Alert? You ever play that? No. Command and Conquer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause ugly chicks dance to the shit like that. That's not true. That's not true at all bro. At bad strip clubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, we are. We're back at another episode of Legion of Drinks. If you guys are listening live, uh, Monday night, actually it doesn't matter if you're listening live, iTunes, whenever, pull out a bottle of whiskey, whatever your favorite hard liquor is. And the rules are very simple. When Bobby or Alex chimes in and tells us that we've said something that, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've done something that we normally do, essentially some hacky thing that we normally do on the show. They're going to call out, drink and tell us the reason why. And we have to drink and, um, yeah, whoever dies first. That's when we end the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made out with a chick who smokes recently and, uh, not good. Yeah, not good. This is disgusting. What'd you say? Enough to not go back to the well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, um, I, I smoked for so long and I always thought it was kind of hot when chicks smoked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, like, we, we all did the ancestry thing. I, I don't understand what the appeal is. Even when you get the results, you're like, okay, so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a Bill Cosby portrait that the Laugh Factory gave me. I thought that was Anthony Kumia. It really doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think she's racist. I think she's just going to go fuck you. I'll say what I want to say. Go suck a dick. I don't know. I got a problem with that chick. She's hot. I like her. Real ass chick right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the worst, this is a good question for around the room, who would you say, you don't have to name names obviously, but how would you describe the worst girl you've ever dated? Like what were her qualities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fucked me up thinking about she, she threatened to kill my dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just about it being convenient and it just sort of like, I'm also like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's like two years later, I'm like with this chick who I fucking hate. You guys remember this chick? You remember how fucking nutty this bitch was? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. She was pretty fucking gross to be honest with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I changed the locks. It was fucking nuts, dude. She, it got so volatile. I mean, her pretending that she was pregnant was fucking, and I would go to Jay and Dave and be like, guys, she's pretending she's pregnant. I know. And I remember Jay being like, dude, I don't know, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To make up the fact that she's pregnant. There's that type of chick I knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what I found out, she wasn't pregnant. I called her house and her brother answered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, uh, yeaah, is this right there? It was like, nauseating at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it really, I'm just trying to get her in my presence so I could force a pregnancy test upon her. Like I had a pregnancy test in my back pocket at all times in case I had to encounter her. And I was like, I was going to somehow get her to take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what, there is no equivalent for man. It's just, it's, it's a power play. It's just to control that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think what they're doing is they're going like, okay, well I'll get him to stay right now and we'll probably work it out and then I'll just say that the baby died inside of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm assuming that no, it's not a false. I assume they're going to pretend to miscarry later on down the line, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were trying to take your calm and get pregnant in that they're like, all right, well now, now you can come and be a bunch because I'm already pregnant and then they fucking trap you. How many times do you think that's happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when I went to the carnival when I was like 10 and uh, I went up to like the guy to like, guess your weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, my son said today in a moment of, I don't remember what he was talking about, but he just said he was pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pissed I am, alright, blimey. He, yea, he was, and he said, wait what? Or if somebody has a badass accent? Sweet, dude, this is fucking going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I feel like yours are lightweight in it, dude. Why don't you fuckin' man up, Shane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, have you gotten laid at all since you've been out on your quarantine road trip? No. You're a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, dude. I mean, not for me, dude. I think they see me and they're like, this guy's fucking badass. I don't want to fuck with him. Probably you. They probably see you and they're like, don't want to take advantage of this guy. Yeah. Well, they see me wearing masking gloves, probably assume. Dude, I don't wear a mask and gloves to this day. I've only worn a mask and gloves one time. For what? To go to the supermarket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything I can get online, I can get at my deli. Everything I need. I don't need to wear a mask in my deli. My deli only thinks it's all ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to see you do some fucking magic. I will listen. Let me get a little more drunk. I will do some, I did magic for Matt and Shane on their podcast and I blew Shane's fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm also, I'm reading Harry Potter to my son right now, so I'm in a particularly magical mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you did. Not only that, you retweeted it, you piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I fucking, I talk about it on stage. I wrote a bit about it. Like I have to figure out how to make sure that my son never uses the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all guys. We know how we want our dick sucked. We know exactly what we want the way we want it. If you don't do it good, it's because you're trying to prove something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, any guy wants his dick sucked, even rhythm, all you gotta do is do the fucking even rhythm, little bit of hand, little bit of mouth. That is sort of like just tapping it in. That's gonna make it work every single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. The variation is going to be, do you want a lot on the tip? A lot of ballplay? Do you want the gagging, the spit? All of those things can take you out of the moment. Like I don't like when a chick does that shit. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or I'm sorry, a bird swallowing a gigantic fish, like a crazy oversized fish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he pulls the, he put, uh, Legion of Skanks fans and then COVID denialism, like they're swallowing this fish. And then I just, I took it and I put his name over the bird and the word penis over the fish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drinking every time we say Covid, that's psychotic. Once, once a rule has been broken, a rule has been broken, that's when you drink, okay? You're not gonna fucking get crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did drink fucking, he accidentally drank, uh, like a little sip of vodka the other day. It was just sitting on my table and he picked it up thinking it was water and eugh. Uh-oh. And then he phoned my machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when I was probably at seven years old as well, I stole one of my, my grandma Rose used to drink beer, which even like that, I remember thinking it was weird that my great grandmother Rose would drink beers. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just not very ladylike, but I mean, now as an adult, like it's not weird that a chick drinks beer or that an older woman would drink beer. But when I was a kid, I remember just being like, that's fucking garbagey, you know? So, and she had, it was like some shitty German beer, like brewing something and me and my buddy, like arms and shit like that, which said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she wore one house coat. That's what she would wear. And, uh, this is the one that used to call me the N word like every day. She didn't give a shit. And I stole our beer. That was just the beer talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and this kid, JR Stewart, we, we just took a sip each. Like we were out on the street. We took a sip each and like left it there. And then I felt so guilty that I went back and I told them that I stole it. And, uh, oh yeah, my mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a weird thing. Like I do have that like debate in my head because we do these shows and we see these crazy things and do these dumb podcasts and right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all remotely racist or sexist or like literally not even slightly. Like I'm such a fucking pussy when it comes to that stuff. Like I really want, I want my kid to be a good kid and he doesn't understand the context of jokes. So I just keep it pretty black and white for him, but he's just going to hear this one day and I'm afraid that I'm training him to eventually hate my guts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to drink a ton of wine. I'll drink a wine when I eat good food. Eat a steak, a little red wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The length of the, it's not like it's a fucking thick ass shampoo bottle that, you know, it's not thicker than my dick. I got my shampoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you are. Shane's a phony bitch, everyone. I want everyone to know this. Shane's literally the nicest person in the world and then he gets on air and then he turns into a cunt. It's just not real. I evidently did that to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole thing, I'm going to bed at fucking 10 o'clock every night up at 6 AM every morning. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't even know. He's a goofy retard. He doesn't even realize how tough he is. Shane was just trying to pet you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm telling right now in high school, whatever it was, I don't know what, I never connected with the ideas that jocks were tough. Jocks were always fucking pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was, I mean, I was the burbs. I mean, Rockland County, our, our, our football team was like, you know, state champions all the time and fucking the wrestling team was really tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 100% North Rockland High School. Look it up. Someone look that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think I lie about being popular in high school, you fucking faggot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's who I am, you fucking loser. Being popular is important to you. That's a fucking tenant of fucking douchebag jocks, okay? I don't give a fuck about being popular. I hated the popular kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dude, I wish. I, I mean, no, like, yes, obviously. I wish I was popular. And the only reason you would hate popular kids and be a goth kid is because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I did, I did alright in high school. I fucked some hot checks, but I, I was infamous in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was in a band, Salty Black Flower, and I did go by Louis J Gomez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true. I fought a lot of those kids. That's the other thing is like they weren't, the problem was they weren't like, it's a psychological thing. Those kids didn't know they were tough. Like those kids that were on the football team. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you that I got through fistfights with kids that were on the football team and I beat the shit out of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, real quick, let's, let's get some plugs out of the way, uh, cause we're definitely more than halfway through the show. Uh, Shane, Doug, anything to plug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't do, we don't do the sponsors on the, uh, the stream. The sponsors are put in separate, Doug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, yeaah, get access to every episode of the show we've ever done. Realize Podcast, Part of the Problem, SDR Show, 22 incredible shows here on the GastroZilla Network. Get the 30-day free trial right now. LOS30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you would have been afterwards. If you're not like, if you're not a good student and you're not trying to go to a good fucking school, then that would have been a better route.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime I've ever fallen in public, I've gotten so angry at the people that ask me if I'm okay. Like I remember one time I fell, I fell on my skateboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on my penny board and I fell and like a huge crowd of people surrounded me


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, I didn't do anything that requires a shot. I've been drinking beers the whole time, dude. I'm not drinking. I don't need to be, I, Shane, I'm, I'm, I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, I mean, Jay does gauge everything from his distance from McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time though, it's like, dude, I'm 20, we're, we're 20 minutes from a McDonald's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back in the day, what you would have to do is you'd have to take a wet paper towel. You'd take a paper towel, you'd wet it, and you'd wrap the burgers, then you'd microwave them. But they did something to it. I have no idea what they did to the burgers and the processing, because it's all processing. Now you just leave it in the bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you gotta take a shot of somebody's piss, there should be no difference. It should be whoever has the healthiest diet, not the hottest chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I used to want to be a magician when I was a kid, when I was 11 years old, I used to work at a hair salon called Bruno's and I would sleep again when he was 22 and 36 and I would sweep up all the hair in the hair salon. I would get all the girls lunch. It was my job to essentially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had a bigger show, I would definitely come on, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would hang out in the background every day. Like he was at the show every week and eventually he killed his mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bingo got us Ancestry.com to do for fun and uh, so I signed up online and then I read the directions and it says, yea, you can't drink, eat or smoke for 30 minutes before you do this. And I go, well, that means I have to do it first thing in the morning because I'm not going fucking 30 minutes. And I tried to spit this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, I have a, a Latina friend staying down here at Morgan Murphy's place. It is a very, uh, like always, she's very Latina and talks about being Latina all the time. And if I'm just a millionth Latina, I'll go, I'm one too. I just use it to fuck with her. It would be worth it just for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did the math to make sure that uh, my vasectomy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so I'm the- I weighed myself today. I am the lightweight of the bunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she had to get, have a, uh, exterminator come to her house today. So she left and, uh, while he was going to be in there, she didn't want to be in the same place. And then she came back and she thought, this is a small town. So she thought, I'm going to look him up online. Maybe he's cute. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You suck a magical dick, I'll tell you that. Thank you, Stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well people say that because they drank too much and they kept switching up their drinks. If you switch up your drinks that much, that means you drank that many fucking drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got into a, a disagreement on a Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, I argued with a local cop for about two hours about Jeffrey Epstein. Conspiracy theory shit. And then the cop came back over after he heard it on the podcast to apologize. And I go, no, sometimes you just hype shit up for the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I guess that makes you the baby of the bunch, Shane Gillis. It does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that's usually something where, oh, I had to join fucking after and there's already a Louie Gomez. So I had to put, but you use your middle initial in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fancied them 12 years ago. Dave's all in, by the way, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am not against what you're saying. I know the limitations of what my brain can swallow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I really thought I could learn. I was gonna just run as a joke and then, what's his uh, there's a Minneapolis comic. He's a big libertarian guy and he's not well known.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well earlier I wanted to say, well I did say it to, while you were fucking around with technical, I said to this kid here, the pumpkin head, I said, uh, if, if you did audio only,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big Jay and Shane could do Louis CK and David Tell have a podcast. And I go, I wonder if you get tired of hearing you sound like David Tell all the time. And I was scared to say that till I started drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you put, would you put out a, like a, a Louis CK and David Tell podcast as a, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all the horrible things that you guys do during your day that is not true, like overblown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I still do, but uh, not, not like to the extent that he can't leave the house and just walks around like a mantra, I'm dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when you go shopping next time, the only fast food that can be reanimated by a microwave, they do sell White Castle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they do when you go to a real White Castle? They pull out a box of freezer White Castle burgers and microwave them for a minute and give them to you. And you go, this is just as good as it is at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, those are separate, uh, yeaah. Pretty good video. Piss Roulette is a game we came up with. Six squirt guns, one of them have, five have tequila, one has piss. From a pretty girl, to make it palatable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you do a Didi Mao or Deer Hunter style, Russian roulette, you pick up a squirt gun and squirt it in your mouth, one of them is gonna have piss. And Sal was the one, uh, one of the Super Bowl parties that, uh, was squirting it in the, he didn't even wanna touch the bottle, but he would squirt the bottle into the person's mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the thought of it. But that fucking video disappeared from YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Son's coming up, me and her and my friend, big fat Ron Putnam. She goes, well, after tonight, I'll be lucky if I ever hold a position on the Supreme court. And that quick, like you said, you'll be lucky if you can hold a winos balls while he takes his shit. Memories that come back when you're drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh now, now you put, now you put him on the fucking full screen after his trick, but uh, I hate magic anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, anyway, but I kept going, no, like, cause I know Twyman's watching it. And I'm like, Twyman, and I told him afterwards, he's like, yeah, they kind of fucking cut me down. I go, no, they didn't have all the facts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free for real. Now he's back locked down because of the fucking virus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He contacted me, Jay, saying, hey, you, I was, uh, uh, you told me a story about murdering his mother and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had, he had like, uh, he had like work release, he had a job and a bank account finally, but he was still like in the home and he was fighting for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it was, he was fighting for like a complete, uh, alright, you can leave the facility. And I'm like, ooh, this is a bad time because his sisters are going to show up at the court hearing and people- Wait, do his sisters want him to stay in or out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Every time I talk over you, I, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dealing with reflux? I got the cure for what I asked you. Oh dude, I mean, Sheetz is gonna be... A reflux? There's nothing, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's- this is how- this is how fucking ugly-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, uh, video games that, you know, for adults. No video games are for adults. Grand Theft Auto is actually only for 18 year olds. That's psychotic, that they're creative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite is just running over, running over the car of the person you just, running over the person in the car you just stole. That's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First goodbye podcast, uh, check that out, and uh, mikefinneycomedy.com, and I am Mike Finney on social media, uh, doing an album recording in September, it's far away, but uh, September 15th, but you can get tickets to mikefinneycomedy.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, uh, I'm gonna just announce it here, because this seems like the biggest platform to do an Irish Goodbye podcast. Gonna be live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sexually char- Oh, his name is Michael Johnson?


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[Assistant] Well I mean, how many people exactly, how many people are gonna be like, alright, I'll still fuck you. It's like, you know, you're really thin in the pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't end up having herpes over it, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that how it revealed the right to left, like in Hebrew. That was a nice little, uh, nice touch that for sure wasn't made on purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about this? What about just ordering, saying, order something on Amazon that you get and then just when it gets there, just saying that it never came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the thing that pulls up the ground when you push it. That's like industrial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. I mean, how many times do people do that in regular, uh, you know, where they go inside and you have to pay the clerk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has worked for me 100% of the time. Every time I go into a hotel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There you go. You actually do need a person for this. So you bring, so if my wife and I go to a hotel, always check in and say we're on our honeymoon within a half hour. It's the hackiest. Free bottle of champagne. It's a hack. It's free booze. It's free booze, you dumb dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that was, I was going to ask him to spell it first, and then I was going to ask him to define it. Tutting? Oh, Tisking!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mister! I can't, I'm not doing that anymore. Hey mister, what about my cigarettes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both can relate to that, uhm, Cory definitely more so, but you know, when I was young, I, I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had some Indian albinos that worked at the mall. That's not true. That's hilarious. Two Indian, yea they were the Sabaro's at the capital city mall. Two Indian daughters. That was their name? Oh daughters? Sabaro's? Keep the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's good. In game-wise defense, he did just get hit with just, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a retarded hurricane came in here. Lewis. Yeah, that's true. Lewis was grappling people. Retarded hurricane. Retarded hurricane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis, your staff was like, yea, go ahead, call. They told me to call to order, like, right away. They made you order in English? Oh, you fucking call. Wow. Now that's when gay Mike stepped up and was gay and ordered the sandwich for me. He said, I got it, I'll order. Okay, so


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really what a special's all about. If you're wearing a cool jacket in the special, you have to wear a cool jacket in your special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I apologize to Jason and I felt sad about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, they actually should be alright. They look pretty cool so far. They got cool things going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about us getting COVID from this episode. Cause there's a lot of people in here and then I was watching that while everybody was singing special. It's just a funny way to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are bitch-mailing your family letters that are like, we're gonna cut your head off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is a bit gay. Bobby, be as rad as your hair. You actually are a little gay. Are you actually gay? No. We are ready for the question. Try not to move, please. Very saucy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I moved to New York, I was like, yo, I can't wait to start a career in comedy and then transition into getting knocked out as an amateur MMA fighter. We need more beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta fight someone else again. Less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want James to die this way. I'm gonna keep scheduling fights for you until you eventually strangle James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, uh, he actually put his knee into her back, into her back and strangled her to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, just the coin toss of like, am I getting in the car with a juggalo for five hours? Oh, we are. Every time. But is it a chill juggalo? They're pretty chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut those in half. 43, dude, you're having a three quarter life crisis right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then what are you doing running with this crowd? Being a juggler or something? Well it's being at home playing catch with your pops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you really slowed down, dude. Early on, we were, you were at a little high of pace. I'm going into a sixth beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fantastic gift. I thought it was a funny thing to say, everybody in here, I feel like I'm a ghost haunting this episode. Don't say things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day we'll have the budget for gold. You better hurry up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said I'll tell you what, if I got an opportunity I'd go ahead and shove one in Becky's couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mat and Chain Seeker podcast, our enemies fucking tremble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 17th, 18th, and 19th, I'll be at the stress factory in New Jersey. It's a tent full of COVID. Come on down!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 7th, 8th, and 9th, I'll be at SideSplitters in Tampa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than that, listen to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even look at me when I'm on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not true. I remember, I remember early when I used to come down here, you guys used to be happy. You'd be like, oh, who's this guy? Let's get him fucked up. This guy's going places. We got you fucked up. Now I come down here, you guys are like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only done it with you, you fuckin' Puerto Rican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember all those Dominican hookers? Dude, I totally remember you being like, you know, my friend's about to be on Saturday Night Live, and just some Dominican hooker being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were surprised you could grab hooker's pussy? No, I wasn't at this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] High as fuck on Molly. And then the hookers would come over and be like, how are you guys? I'm so fucking high right now. They'd be like, that's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much did that necklace cost? You desert freak. Five dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a five dollar copper necklace you bought? She made it. She made it. She made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, uh, me and my boy one time were like, yo, we should buy some cake down here. And then while we were walking out, there was just a black dude in a Raiders jersey and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's selling coke. I was just like, yo, do you have coke? And he was like, yo, man, chill. Don't fucking, what do you mean do I have coke? And then my friend left and he was like, yo, I got some coke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A drugs documentary where they were like following like, they were like narcos type, like how it gets made and it's like dudes with like kilos of coke. And it's just like, oh, this is fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like any time that's like, we are with MS-13 and we're afraid to give our identities, but you can follow us while we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show you how we transport kilos of cocaine and heroin. It's like, yeah, definitely fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be like, oh yea, I'm a major drug dealer. Anyway, yo, disregard this camera crew. I mean, it is weird. That I would get my head chopped off for if somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I gave, I gave a hundred bucks to, uh, Kim's kid. Well, it's not, it's not her kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah. We know what you're talking about. You guys should do that as well. Everybody out there should do that. We already did the plug. Lemme, I got some plugs real quick. Kim's fucking nephew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude. Hell yea. This is it. It's good. I'm glad I'm here. You guys, all three of you are very receptive and happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope Ellis does come. He might. Ellis might creep by you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] CSXM fired, who? Ellis. Good, dude. No, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you make fun of Asians in Australia, they're like, hell yea. But he's about to fucking tee off on us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want- I want you to- I want you to get- I do want you to get knocked out. Possibly dead. If he killed you in the ring, I'd- I'd genuinely-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pardon me, pardon me. Let's say he throws a flying knee that kills you in the ring. What's that? Cage. I would be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you died, if you, for real, if you died, if you got kneed in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was not that hot. Are you surprised that hot chicks can-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, guys, this is a very serious thing that you shouldn't even make jokes about. No, this isn't a joke. Everybody in the last three years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has changed genders. Is telling the truth and they really feel that way and they don't even want attention at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gonna dead name me like that? Bring up these episodes? You gonna dead podcast me like this? I'm just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not racist anymore. Stop drawing. Why can't I draw?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, you wanna know something very funny? I watched that with my black friend, uh, Lamar, and he was like- His name is Chris, and he calls him Lamar. Actually, his name's Lamar, I just had a little ho- spice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of racism. Did I mispronounce his name? Lamar, Lamar Lee. And we were watching that when it came out. Is it, are you talking about when Chappelle complained about the contract that he signed? So, so we were watching that and then my, my black friend's like, man, that's just gangster what he's doing right now. And I was like, I mean, I think he's complaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, hold on. He goes, that's gangster. I was like, I think in this scenario, what Comedy Central's doing is gangster. If you want to do that. Comedy Central's the pimp, he's the ho. If you want to do it that way. If you want to break down it. But then it was like, uh, even in his argument,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, alright, so Chappelle's thing, Chappelle rules by the way, I suck his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He talked about that magic trick in the beginning. He was like, he thought he could figure it out. And then he was like, here's the trick. And then the guy was like, don't ever get in the way of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, one time I was signing a contract and it felt like everybody was in on the trick again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let's all pretend, let's close our eyes and pretend it's uh, Monique.


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[Assistant] No one else would have been, literally any other comedian, everyone would have been like, shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] Forty-three. Forty-seven, eight. Forty-eight.


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[Assistant] No, but that's a big part of it though, because they're saying it's racist that they gave him 30 years. Because no one has ever been given that amount of time for that crime before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He put it into the system, but I came here late, so I didn't get a chance to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've never seen them, they're like lottery scratchers, but with paper tabs that pull up instead. If you get a winner, you take it up to the bar and they pay you out under the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] However, you can buy these things by the thousands from bar and restaurant supply companies online. They even tell you what the total payout for the owners will be. It's usually between $500 and $2000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a 25 to 30 dollar investment, all you have to do is see what brand your local dive bar has, buy a thousand of them for nothing, and go through them and find the winners. Then just take one to the bar with you every time you go, and you have free drinking money for the night. A lot of bars use the same one, so you can even switch it up so no one gets suspicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, they really aren't legal anyway, so the worst that can happen is they think you're scamming them and not pay you. But as long as you don't get crazy with it between different bartenders and bars, there's no risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so David, near most pubs, bars in the UK, you will find a takeaway pizza shop, etc. After a good drink, you want to take food home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call in to order the delivery to your home address and ask for the approximate time. Leave the pub about 20 minutes or so and wait for the driver to come out with the delivery bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that delivery driver, uh, that delivery is for me, but I'm not going to be there. Can I just jump in with you? And they'll usually say yes. Most delivery charges in the UK are one to three dollars depending on delivery. You get a cheap ride home and they'll always take you, uh, take you first because they don't want you sitting in the car while your food is piping hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up doggy, uh, got one I stumbled on that I think would work for any large project or upgrade you're trying to do. I wanted to plant my garden and make it much bigger, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty close. Uh, so as we went to buy shoes, the card got declined, and I immediately got excited. While the wife is telling me to call the bank, I said, just wait. Sure as shit, the bank front-alert line calls and asks if I've been using my card. Oh shit, no, I haven't used it since Friday, and it's not in my wallet. Bada boop on the close starter point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I mean, that's basically it. He got $1500 worth of stuff now free, plus since the tiller was rented under a stolen car, the $1000 tiller is still in my garage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, this is from Troy, who wants to be referred to as Troynado. This one's- He's gayer than the last guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's easy and it should get you a free car wash whenever you want. Go to a gas station that has an automatic car wash. Walk inside and tell the clerk you paid for the car wash but it didn't work. They will ask which car wash you ordered. You say the most expensive one. They will give you a receipt with a code for the most expensive type of car wash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, uh, he wants to be referred to as Dick Slinky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Time for Scam That Jew, Shannon. Time for another edition of Scam That Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, it goes, it goes both ways. Like, I have been abusive, but- Physically. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really romantic actually because I came up to him in the courtroom where we're not legally allowed to be in the same room. And I was like, look, let's just drop this shit. And then we went up to the judge and we've been together ever since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it is. Like 50 people came up, we gotta get a picture with you, holy shit, you're the mascot for the Legion of Skanks, and he was- he couldn't handle the love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also in studio, his podcast co-host, um, Shane's very nervous when it comes on my show now because he thinks that somebody's gotta pop out and fucking rape a chick or we're gonna fucking do some sort of crazy wackiness. We're fine, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me? Did you lose all that amazing work we're doing right now? No. But I'm still pretty upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, fix it. There's issues with computers. Fix the computer being off? I think I can do that. Yeah. Uh, but!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our other guest today, first time on the show, uhm, he said it was on site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the last Matt and Shane secret podcast and he wasn't kidding. He, he punched me directly in my jaw. The second he saw me today and uh, it didn't feel good and I respected him for it. And now we're able to be friends. This is how I grew up. You had to fight people before you become friends with them. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one, the only Matt McCusker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had some music, I'm sure something planned for Nate to hit when you were gonna butt his computers off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doggie, onsite means you have to keep on fighting me every time you see me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read somebody tweeting that today. I read some dude tweeting about how toxic masculinity is destroying the world. Like, that's the problem. Specifically, that's the actual problem. And when you think about it, there are no, uh, Latinx countries that are really thriving. Like, what's the best one? Puerto Rico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Support black people, please. I do support black people. I just look God-free, guys. Check out the God-free podcast here on the Gas Digital Network. Dominicans hate Haitians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, cause they're fucking on the same island. Oh wait, Godfrey said me and Matt were Klansmen. I got him to admit that you guys weren't on the last Realize podcast. Pull up that clip of Godfrey saying it was wrong. Really? Swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even get a mention on the enterobang. I benefited? How? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thank you. Are you fixing things? What'd I do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fixing your soundboard. Oh, my soundboard? Alright, I'll fix it. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are you entering him in this? He doesn't like you. Jessalynick doesn't like me. Jessalynick fucking talks all that shit about you, dude. And he's such a good joker, everyone's like, alright, fine, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love discontent. I don't love discontent. I don't even know what discontent is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a unifier, dude, you are. I am! You're a unifier. I really am, dude. I bring people together. Okay, ready? Think about this. Do you think about the amount of people that I've brought together and create joy with versus the amount of people that I try to fight? I'd say it's about equal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of hate you get? Doggy, I, I ignore 99% of it. I get no credit for not fighting everybody. Cause there's a lot of people that pop a lot of shit and I go, ah, fine, fine, fine. Okay, cool. And then eventually somebody just catches me when I'm hungry like Godfrey on a fasting day. And I'm like, you know what? Now I got to fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd actually be pretty enjoyable. That'd be awesome. Shannon, what did Godfrey say? What was his apology?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is fucking crazy. Man. Um, yeaah, but I, I, yeaah, I, I got him to think he was wrong. Okay. So. No, I don't care. Yeaah, that's my problem. You treat me like an enemy when I'm a fucking friend. I don't treat you like an enemy. Yeaah, you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, every once in a while,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just need to be told Shane. They're not told enough. They are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy, when I was a kid, there was, uh, I lived in a neighborhood that was all like white trash kids and they used to pick on me a lot. But a few of them were like smaller than me, but they were all like gang up on me. Right? And there'd just be a couple kids that were like little guys that would like be out their window being like, you're a fucking fat retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, uhm, I wasn't a dork, here's what I was. I was, in terms of trashy people that were, you know, dealing with violence and drugs and fucked up situations, I was on the pussy spectrum of those people. Like, I'm a bitch compared to kids who like, dealt with some real shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of like most comics, if you took the average comedian's life...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, eh, no, I, like, you know, I've, I'm still, I still fuck them all up physically. Yeah. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Thank you. Makes sense. Badass. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you escape your, like, wrath? Because I'm not gonna start- This is the difference. I'm not gonna start hitting somebody. I yell at them until they try to hit me, and then I go, HA! Then I try to hit them. What if you stepped on his foot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So but no, imagine somebody's yelling at you out the window every day and you can't hit them and then one day you see them outside and you're like, oh okay, we'll say something now. That's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have stood next to him and tweeted meanly at him. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have the internet. How do you poison somebody? What would you, like, you have no idea how to look this up. What's the way that you do it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would that, I mean yeaah. But also no, doesn't water. That's pretty sick. Water breaks down LSD. Does it? Yeaah. Cause I was gonna, uhm, I was gonna dose Ori after he dosed Burt. Uhm, and we were looking into the different options.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like your little fucking black sex pot shirt you're wearing today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hot. Thanks. Shannon doesn't like me. That's not true. Like, actively doesn't fucking like me. You mean like as a person? Cause you comment you're mean to her fucking boss dude. I'm her fucking, I'm her god. I try to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Urban areas. Yabos, as they say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we wonder how bad it's gotten. Alright, so all of, we, we looked this up a couple days ago on the show. Guess how many animals are dying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, what are we, what type? Most of them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many animals have died so far in Australia? How many animals?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 158,000 animals, you think koala bears, kangaroos, marsupials, you think a hundred thousand total? Yea. Well wait, you said animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me a number. Five million. Five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the beef? Well, check this out, right? So it's gotten so bad that Australia, uh, they've hired snipers and helicopters, this is true, to take out thousands of camels to help conserve water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, it's infrastructure dude, so they, they have to have tourism and if they don't have tourism, like what's more valuable, tourist dollars or a little bit of water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we call them right now and ask them how they feel about the camels that are being murdered while people are going down their fucking waterslides? And also that water is just reused over and over again. Some of it evaporates though, it's water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not four fingers, four inches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I try to fight people because my mom hit me and I need to prove myself as a man right girl early. Did your mom hit you? Did my mom hit me? Yeah. Everyone's mom hit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna listen to this film. Go ahead. Who do you like? Pitch me a podcast. Don't tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I believe that. Uhm, I don't even, are we at war? Are we in a war right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, alright dude. Alright, whatever. I don't care. Keep on bombing yourself. Oh, you got me. Who cares? Well, no bomb the base in Iraq.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was right next door. It's a fucking letter off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same shit, essentially, you know? If you, if I drop either one of you in any part of Iran or Iraq right now, you wouldn't be able to be like, oh, I'm in fucking- I would be able to tell them. You would think that you're in fucking Australia. You see Campbell's? Yeah, Sharon knows geography. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know, alright, pull up right now a picture of either Iran or Iraq, which is a part, nothing else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your problem with rape? What's my problem? What's your problem with rape? You heard me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright dude, you're figuring out the formula a little bit, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rise above? Yea, Shane just loves you so much, he's challenging you. No, you don't want me to evolve. You want me to keep on pushing the envelope further and further and further, so then when you guys do things that pale in comparison, then nobody cares. What do you have to lose? At this point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm kidding, obviously Shane. Interbank's comedian of the year. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The excited Matt's here. Matt tried to fight me when he first saw me today. No, I do wanna wrestle. I did wanna have like a little wrestling match. A wrestling match. I don't wrestle though. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's true. Bisping would be in my corner. And I think sh- Hold on. Hold on. What type of weapon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's any of us. Let me explain to you, because I've, I've, I've trained with a couple guys who actually fight at a high level before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any UFC fighter would just... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just fuck you in the mouth, deep and hard. It doesn't matter, like there's no, and then you, a heavyweight UFC fighter. I mean, people don't realize that the levels and the difference between like regular people and guys who know how to fucking fight, like it's, it's batshit crazy. So I've trained with Bisping, who was a middleweight, you know what I'm saying? And I know what the fuck, like Bisping could have done anything that he wanted to me.


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[Assistant] It depends on the weapon. Cause really it's for any of us. What weapon do you think you could beat up Brendan Shaw with Shane?


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[Assistant] So you're saying you're taking the fight. I'm saying pick a date. I'm fucking coming for you. I would take the fight though in a heartbeat. Definitely. You should fight.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she, uh, they, they reca- which, but is the character playing a trans character? No, right? It's just playing a regular normal check.


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[Assistant] Sometimes it does that. Sometimes that's uhm. Just keeps you on your feet. We uh, we launder money. So someone would do a transfer when a lot of money goes through. Boom. Uhm. Right there. So yea, how do you feel about that?


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[Assistant] Lisa Turner actually looks like Tranny now, have you seen? Lark Voorhees? Really? Look at Lark Voorhees now, she is fucking fra- What's her name? Lark Voorhees. Lark Voorhees? Yea. That's a weird name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to beat my dick. That was right. Yeah, oof. Alright. She's going mime. She's going full mime.


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[Assistant] I feel, I feel bad for women. She really looks fine, but we're just. She looks great.


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[Assistant] Now I think there was a thing for maybe a couple years there where she was looking a little freaky and weird and maybe she got her shit together. You ever see Sammy Sosa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, that's fucked up dude. So it's a made up character super nigger? That is hilarious. Wait, was that a Richard Pryor?


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[Assistant] You mad Louis said the N-word? No. He gets all uncomfortable when I say the N-word. It's insane.


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[Assistant] That doesn't make any sense. It's not like I'm offended. There's no substance to what you're saying right now, so good. It's jarring to hear you say it. The way that I say the n-word is a bad way. Yes. Explain that. You say it like a white guy. You are a white guy. You're saying this like a retard, cause it makes no sense.


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[Assistant] Yes, like I'm being a historian right now, I'm saying it historically right now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so, I'm sorry that I'm not gonna just say the N-word every- I've said it enough, I can't just start saying the N-word now. Well, around me, can you just do soft A, please?


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[Assistant] That's right. That's why you can't just skate fast. Cause you got a kid coming on the way. That's fucking crazy. Congratulations. Good for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love you guys. Okay, first of all, and what we did was we put together, because I thought about this, I thought that McCusker was more real ass than you. I said that to my entire staff before we got in here today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they were arguing. Nate was like, nay, nay, Shane's my real ass. And then Shannon, she was just fucking like playing with her tits or whatever she does. And uh, so we devised a quiz to see who's more real ass, you or Matt McCusker.


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[Assistant] Well, you guys are gonna write your answers down. Can we get pens for Matt and Shane? I think I have a pen on me, I always do.


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[Assistant] Alright, so guys don't, don't go ahead though, just, uh, just, what am I, we're gonna do...


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[Assistant] Are you just gonna write down their answers if it's an A, a B, a C, or a D, right? Is that what it is? Yeah. Okay, alright, deal.


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[Assistant] My masturbation method, or not my, your masturbation method.


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[Assistant] So which one of these best illustrates your masturbation method? Uh, A.


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[Assistant] One hand on my dick, the other on my tissue box.


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[Assistant] B, maybe I've talked dirty when no one else is there.


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[Assistant] C. Making out with thin air and grabbing pretend tits that aren't there. You do that, right? I dunno.


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[Assistant] Answer for yourself. No. Answering for yourself. Remember seeing how real-ass you are. Which one's closest to you? So one hand on your dick, the other hand on a tissue box. Maybe I've talked dirty when no one else is there.


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[Assistant] Or making out with the thin air and grabbing pretend tits that aren't there.


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[Assistant] Uh, I should be was maybe I've talked dirty, uh, when no one else is there. No way, I would never do that.


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[Assistant] You'll get there, you'll m- you'll mature enough. If I'm farting it's because I'm eating like horribly and the smell is so rancid that I don't think I can keep an erection.


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[Assistant] No, but I don't want her to be in pain. Yeah, come on. But I have done the jerk off, I did that very recently where I was sneak jerking and then when I go to com it's basically like you squat both your legs, dick like into the toilet bowl and then just fire the loads.


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[Assistant] It was kind of fun in a weird way because it fires with such veracity that when it hits the water, it's just kind of like... Yeah, it's like underwater bullets.


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[Assistant] Question two. Write your answers down. Uhm, but you have to pick one. One is closest.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, question two. A pretty funny. B a lesser comedian than you.


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[Assistant] Or C, the first one in the gas chamber when shit kicks off.


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[Assistant] Uh, what do you think? Hey. You say, hey, pretty funny. Okay. Oh, pretty funny guy. Hey, very funny. Okay.


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[Assistant] Uh, C, someone is disparaging you on the internet. Do you, A, offer a calm thought out rebuttal, uh, of their criticism?


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[Assistant] Be, dismiss them as being too gay to understand what you're doing.


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[Assistant] He does love my son. He's sexually attracted to him. He's just turned seven. And I uhm, and this is why I'm pretty open minded because I don't even freak out. Like I don't love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching the show The Witcher on Netflix and in the second episode there's a girl who's just a hunchback and her dad sells her for $4.


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[Assistant] Unless you own a bell tower, you do not want a hunchback, okay? It's like Kelly's blue book for kids. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] So alright, so you guys got your answers in good. Alright. Uh, four. How do you end phone conversations? A. I make sure the other person and I have covered everything we wanted to discuss and I wish them a good day. Uh, B. By saying goodbye. C. By hanging up on the other person mid-sentence after talking over them for five minutes straight.


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[Assistant] People get so mad at me about that. They're like, hello? Hello? Matthew, you have your answer in? What is your answer?


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[Assistant] Hey, I-I make sure- Yeah, Matt's very- congenial? Five.


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[Assistant] Uh, blowjobs are, A, a physical act of love contingent on the consent of one's partner. Uh, B, necessary doggy.


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[Assistant] Or C, always better in a Starbucks bathroom or in the back of another person's car.


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[Assistant] Uh, your girlfriend, your girlfriend wants to check your phone. Do you?


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[Assistant] Guys, this is a big one. Your girlfriend wants to go through your fucking cell phone.


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[Assistant] Do you A. Show it to her. You have nothing to hide. B.


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[Assistant] Doggie, she can't handle what's in my phone. She was, she will literally lose her mind. See, she's trying to kill baby James.


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[Assistant] What's in your phone you're so worried about? That's like, it's like nudes. The problem is not what I know about. It's what I don't know about. It's like there's some fucking thing in there that's going to, if not just my girlfriend, any of you.


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[Assistant] I couldn't be with your phone for like an hour, twice. I did, but it was so much, because I thought you were gonna just take a dick pic out of my phone and tweet it, which is funny, and I couldn't be really that mad at. I couldn't. Pretty good.


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[Assistant] Is there like nudes or something? What's going on? Not nudes. Matt's not goofing. You know, the, uh, the dialogue trying to get the nudes. Uhm, there's, you know, other girls. But you're with your girlfriend. Why would you talk to other girls?


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[Assistant] Or see, humiliate them on a public forum for a few weeks before beating them up in front of my fans, then fire them, but then mysteriously keep them around, have them work for me, pay them, but trust me, they're fired.


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[Assistant] Whatever, man. He barely works here anymore, dude. Which one? Harrington. You fired someone? I did fire him and then beat him up in front of the fans.


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[Assistant] Alright, we got three more. Alright Shane, I get it. You're not happy with the bit.


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[Assistant] How many substitutions slash altercations are acceptable when ordering a meal? Okay, first of all, you should not have any altercations.


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[Assistant] If it's a dietary restriction, then it's fair, but I'll try not to be a dick about it. B, what am I fucking paying this guy for? Give me what I want or C, do you have chocolate chip pancakes? But instead of flour, can you use bacon instead of chocolate chips? Can I have cheese and also can I have a milkshake with butter instead of milk? And can I have it spaced out 20 minutes apart from each other?


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[Assistant] You guys, I feel like Nate, this, like, you're, the way you look at me, like, I'm not that particular. I'm actually pretty fucking cool.


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[Assistant] High risk, high reward because if somebody's great they get a 30% tip.


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[Assistant] It's pretty tight. How are you a cunt to the guy? You're making up facts. If I wanted to win arguments, I would also just make up facts as well. That's how I would argue. What happened? Shane came in and he started raping the female staff members. It was really weird. I was like, Shane, no, stop.


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[Assistant] Uhm, well, I'm sorry that I uhm, have an expectation when I spend my money. I expect excellence.


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[Assistant] Everyone should. And if we all did that and we all put ourselves to that standard and, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, we'd have a better world. I'm literally, I am, I am moving the world.


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[Assistant] If it's a bad, if it's a bad, oh no, I mean, if it's like violent, you know, then like, no, probably no.


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[Assistant] This would have been better had it not, had it been good service. Then there's going to be like, Oh, that guy just gave a cheap tip.


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[Assistant] Then they, they continue the shit service, and it creates more of a problem. So you teach them lessons. I'm literally, I'm creating a better earth for everybody. You're complaining about me, it's actually making a better experience, and not even just in dining at that restaurant. We're talking about a ripple effect at the universe. I'm actually creating a better world for you and I to live in, and your fucking future half black child. Thank you.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it's like, if you don't want people to be shitty with you, don't be a waiter. You know, it's not that I should be, I'm not saying that I should be shitty, but waiters, what I'm saying is it's sort of like expected. You know, it's like you're, it's part of the job.


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[Assistant] But they're not, if you go outside of the nerd white comedy community, if you go to a show in the Bronx, every comedian will fuck you up if you start talking shit to them. It's not like, it's not, it's just pussy ass bitch.


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[Assistant] Fuckin' woke white comics now. If you go to the Midwest, to a fucking, if you go to a comedy club in fucking the middle of the Midwest, the average fucking comic there, if you start talking shit to them, be like, alright, I'm gonna punch this guy in his fucking mouth. It's just sort of in these woke New York and LA communities, and they have this big voice online. To be honest with you, I'll say this much.


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[Assistant] Most comedians that I know, if you went up to them and started talking shit, they'd punch you in the fucking mouth.


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[Assistant] You just didn't do that. Just be like- I've seen a few of them do that. I've watched them do this. So I, uh, the whole idea that Lewis is this violent fucking asshole. Third person.


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[Assistant] Uh, fucking Orthodox Jews that came to the stand right when we started doing Legion of Sanks live at the stand. This is like the old, the first location. The three or four episodes, uh, that we did there before we moved to the creaking cave. We were originally at the stand and then we went to the creek because


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[Assistant] 10, uh, Orthodox Jewish kids that were like 18 years old.


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[Assistant] They didn't give a fuck. They were like kind of like, you know, pot smoking. They thought that they went to like Modest Yahoo and Dave Matthews concerts. They were fucking.


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[Assistant] So yea, these kids just didn't give a fuck about a dumb podcast, and they were kinda right, like it was just, it was a mess. And they just started talking-


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[Assistant] Did you see, uh, I haven't seen this yet, but somebody's explaining to me the, the Netflix documentary about the kid who just like kills cats.


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[Assistant] So anyway, Big J and Dave Smith, uh, these kids just wouldn't stop and they started heckling. And Big J and Dave Smith just literally ran off the stage and just beat up eight young Jewish kids.


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[Assistant] Number eight, did you write down your answer? No, what was the question?


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[Assistant] That's crazy. Did I say what happened one time I went to Trump, uh,


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[Assistant] So funny. So dude, check this out. Uh, we go there and they made a mistake. They're supposed to give me like over easy eggs instead of like, uh, scrambled and they brought out the scrambled eggs. Um, and I use this as a good thing. It's like, dude, and uh, and I was like, oh, I ordered over easy. And then they're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And they made the chef.


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[Assistant] And then they fucking comped that, and they gave me free drinks, and they were like, you know, this is like,


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[Assistant] And now my experience there isn't that, oh my god, like they fucked up my eggs. My experience now, I walk out going like they have the best fucking racist hotel in the fucking world. Holy shit, it's awesome. The service there is impeccable. They don't give a fuck. If they fuck around with your shit,


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[Assistant] They will fucking make sure you know that the person who did it is in trouble. Making eye contact with the person who made the mistake and him having to like just take it.


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[Assistant] Get it the fuck out there. You're embarrassing us. Number nine. Choose a meal. A. Two slices of pizza. B. Protein with some veggies, no carbs.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, and last but not least, the best place to rest a drink.


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[Assistant] On a coaster outside of my arm span on a table in front of me.


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[Assistant] B, doggy, it's not my fucking, it's not my job to fucking put my drinks in the right places, okay? Or C, on a nearly 45 degree angle, barely balance on an object on the table and directly in front of me where I can knock it over as almost, almost as soon as I get it.


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[Assistant] We did it. Okay. So how to find your real ass score. Let me see, I'm gonna add it up for you guys. Okay. We have a fan script too, right? Man, this show.


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[Assistant] Alright, so, uh, this is Matt. Matt, your handwriting is terrifying. Sorry. It's, I mean, I'm looking at this and I'm, I mean, how did you fuck up the numbering like three times? That's wild. That's crazy.


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[Assistant] I mean, I almost wanna like, give this away to a fan. Like, put it on their wall. That's fucking wacky.


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[Assistant] Alright, so let me do the scores really quick. So it's, uh, A is 1, B is 2, C is 3.


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[Assistant] Can you add that up for me? Yes. I hope we tie. Thank God. Alright, let's see.


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[Assistant] 15 to 20, you're not real ass. And unless something real ass happens to you, like your dad getting stabbed outside of a strip club, you will never be real ass. That's, that's alright. That's a 14.


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright, can we get the script? Can we do our final, our final realize script?


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[Assistant] Okay, let's get some plugs out of the way real quick while we do that, while you prepare that script. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to today's incredible show, the best podcast on the planet, bar none.


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[Assistant] Uh, make sure you guys go to gasdigitalnetwork.com. Use the promo code RAP. Get a 14 day free trial. Get access to every episode of the Real House Podcast. The entire on-demand library. What the fuck is that, Shannon? Stop playing news over my plugs. Christ almighty.


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[Assistant] Use that promo code RAP, get a 14 day free trial. Uhm, live on the road, Louis Shagomas presents LouisShagomas.com. Go to the website, check me out. Philly's coming up.


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[Assistant] Lots more dates coming up all throughout the country. Myself and Kurt Metzger and obviously skankfest.net as we grab your tickets. Shane Gill is going to be there. Who else is going to be at Skankfest? We're going to be announcing a whole bunch more names in the next couple of weeks. So grab your tickets now skankfest.net. It's going to sell out, baby boys. The number one comedy party in the world. Ari Shafir put up an incredible


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little promo for it that I guess he talked about on the podcast. Maybe we'll play it at the end of the show because I thought it was awesome.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it really made me laugh and it really made me smile because he does, even though he's the worst, he is the best. Uhm, so Matt McCusker. What up? What would you like to plug my brother?


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[Assistant] I'm writing a second one now. Sweet. Love it. Go buy that book. Uh, right now guys, is it available in audio version? Nah, I'm gonna make one. Would you make my audio book? One hundred percent. One take.


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[Assistant] We have a script, uh, here's what we do. We have the fans write in, uh, their own scripts. They write them out and we act them out for them. And we have a Matt and Shane script specifically. So, uh, everyone's gonna be playing their own parts. Who else do we have?


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[Assistant] You're lucky you said the right fucking thing right there, brother. So does one person write this? Yea, one person writes it. One retarded guy. Wrote all this stuff. Our fans are the fucking smartest and funniest.


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[Assistant] Uh, the Baby, the Baby James' Babysitter Beauty Contest is happening right now. Two entries, two little slut bags that looked pretty good. We got another end of guy as well, but he's a pedo and we're not, we're gonna report him to the authorities, so.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, RealEyesOfficial, gmail.com, and without further ado, it is the next script.


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[Assistant] This is why you'll never amount to anything. Excuses. For every hour that my special isn't finished, I'm gonna light a live koala bear on fire.


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[Assistant] Enough! You guys are fucking around when we have an important meeting starting in a minute with Matt and Shane's secret podcast. These guys are apparently pretty funny, and they're practically begging me to be on Gas Digital.


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter. Gas Digital is mad inclusive now that we have Godfrey, Monroe, and Derek. We have Eon on all the time.


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[Assistant] Alright, guys, here at Gas Digital, we don't have the traditional money for work model. Let me stop you right there. We love cum.


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[Assistant] I've been doing intermittent keto. It's where you stick to the keto diet for three hours a day.


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[Assistant] If it'll make you funnier, I guess you guys can share my rattlesnake seed.


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[Assistant] Great script right there, guys. Very realistic. Yeah. Great.


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[Assistant] That was some fucking, some awesome fucking real ass dude out there.


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[Assistant] Are you guys ready to have the best goddamn Monday night of your lives right now?


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[Assistant] Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliffe here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up comedy.


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[Assistant] Luggin' a bunch of my funniest friends with me. All around the country. We're back at it. Tampa, Florida. July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas. July 28th, 29th. And the 30th. Dallas, Texas. The 12th and 13th of August. And August 26th and 27th. San Antonio, Texas.


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[Assistant] Nashville, Tennessee, making my long awaited return September 29th, 30th, and October 1st.


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[Assistant] That's tickets available, tonyhengecliff.com and uh, we'll see you out there. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?


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[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best comedians in the country. Two return guests to Kill Tony. They are here from New York City. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Shane Gillis and Mark Norman. Oh my god. Oh shit. It's one of those nights.


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[Assistant] One of the best in the world! And Shane Gillis everybody!


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[Assistant] We're doing this shit tonight. Absolutely. Yeah, we are. You guys know how it works. You guys have been guests on this show numerous times. Uh, there's a bunch of people that signed up to get their chance to do 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then, uh, I interview them afterwards and we all talk to them. We find out more about them. You know, the 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.


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[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's show, a man that has been kicking off every episode of the show for a year straight. One of the strongest KilToni regulars in the history of the show. This man writes and performs a brand new minute every week. It's the one and only Hans Kim.


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[Assistant] Sweet, sweet, sweet, Hans. What's been going on in life? Tell us more about this past week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your first comedian out of the bucket getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Eric Edlund everybody. Eric Edlund. Here we go.


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[Assistant] That's a lot of people. It's been like, I don't know, a long ass time, almost a year. Do you guys think it's okay if we do a Mexican drum off here tonight?


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[Assistant] Any drummer has a chance to become the new full-time drummer here on Keltoni. Now I have to let you know that the resident drummer historically has won 100% of all these drum solo competitions. Uh, the great Joel Jimenez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before and the current, uh, reigning, uh, uh, defending champion of the show, Michael Gonzalez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit! Oh! Oh no! Oh no, the crowd is going wild!


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[Assistant] I love you too. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment that you do believe is about to happen. You're about to witness a man defend his legacy. The throne of being the official Kill Tony drummer. We've been doing this for years. The resident drummer has never lost. This is Michael Gonzalez.


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[Assistant] Your next comedian, as you've seen, anything can happen. Your next comedian goes by the name of Bear Badu!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit! Make some noise for Bear, everybody!


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[Assistant] Alright, there you go. Absolutely. I love it. Uhm, okay, Bear. So how long you been doing stand-up? Uh, six years. Is Bear your real name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Famously like the, uh, the bad comedy club in the valley of Los Angeles, for those of you that don't know, like a, like a, like a bad, bad spot to do comedy. Yeah, like that. That's what plays, after all your jokes. So how are things up at Flappers? What's going on in LA? People still freaking out wearing masks, getting fucking... Yeah.


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[Assistant] Alright, Red Bear, thank you, very good. Uh, so Bear, let's talk about your life. How old are you exactly? Uh, 35. 35 years old. I would have accepted a wide, wide window around that age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is actually the question that I wanted to ask, but I was beating around the bush a little bit, you know what I'm saying? Hit me with it, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a little bit of Bear Baddoh improvising.


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[Assistant] I want you to lead, I want you to lead them into what they're going to play. So it starts, like, you remember, uh,


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[Assistant] Ah, this is cruel. Cruel! June, next June is 10 years of hosting this show. I know what the fuck I'm doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, you did it. God damn it, you took the ball and you ran with it there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a brand new handmade leather joke book, courtesy of the great Bones Eye, who makes those all by hand here on Killtony. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This has been a fun episode so far. You guys ready for a special treat, huh? This is a very, very big one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he retired seven months ago and has been making, uh, appearances here and there. This is one of those weeks where we get blessed with a brand new minute by the one and only Michael Lehrer, everyone!


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[Assistant] A legend of the show. Hundreds of new minutes we've seen. The man almost single-handedly kept us afloat during the lockdown pandemic in Los Angeles where we had zero live audience. He was putting in major effort, doing full-time sketches and amazing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to the bucket we go. We're gonna keep this thing moving along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about a hand for the amazing staff here at Vulcan that helps out and fucking bunch of wild ass comedians and shit. Alright, make some noise for your next comedian, Bud Galloway everybody. Bud Galloway is next on Killtoni. You guys having fun out there, huh?


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[Assistant] Bud Galloway, this is his, I do believe, first time on Kiltoni, right bud? Fourth. Really? Oh shit. It's never good when my brain makes me totally forget about someone. It was all in LA though, it was all in LA. Okay bud, very good, very good. I love it.


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[Assistant] Uh, welcome, welcome back, Bud Galloway. Does it always go that bad? I don't remember your other times. If you're wondering, that was god fucking awful.


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[Assistant] It's called Great Racist. The name of the bar is the Great Racist? It's called Gran Blanco.


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[Assistant] But I wish I could trade, uh, you and Michael for who has ALS. Uh, I would love to give you Michael Lair's Lou Gehrig's disease. He deserves your perfectly operational body.


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[Assistant] There he goes. Bud Galloway everybody. Somehow taking longer than Michael Lehrer to leave the stage.


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[Assistant] Oh, we know this young man. He's an employee here. He may have sat you here tonight. Make some noise for Trey Pack, everybody. Trey Pack is back. For mass destruction.


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[Assistant] We know this young man very well. Here he is.


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[Assistant] My favorite part was when you gave the guy a high five and we all saw your butt crack from the backside here. Incredible.


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[Assistant] Uhm, okay, so, like, what are some places that you enjoy eating at here in, uh, Austin, Texas?


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[Assistant] And cribs as well, he's also the king of breaking cribs. Uhm, okay, Trey, interesting fun fact about your life that we've never found out about on this show.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Come on, give us a little bit of a...


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[Assistant] Tonali Daytuan or something like that? D-E-Z Daytuan. Here she comes. Tonali. Here we go.


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[Assistant] That was incredible. By far one of the funniest cleaning ladies we've ever had on this show. Hi, me.


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[Assistant] At the casino? Uh huh. Wow. And this is in El Paso?


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[Assistant] Alright, well. Tonally, uh, I mean, just absolutely, uh, really bottom of the barrel stuff here tonight. That's the risk that you take being newer at stand-up comedy and signing up for a big league show at this. But luckily, there were so many bad performers tonight that you're not the worst performer so far.


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[Assistant] This is not... None of these people have been screened.


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[Assistant] We started a little bit late. You guys think we should do one more out of the bucket, huh?


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[Assistant] It was a late start. We can go a little bit longer than usual.


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[Assistant] Make some noise for Joe Bagley everybody. Here we go. Let's see what happens here. Clearly anything can happen. Joe Bagley is next.


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[Assistant] Okay, are you the mentor of Tonali Daituan?


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[Assistant] Uhm, alright Joe. What are some fun facts about you that we don't know?


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[Assistant] Those old flat bimbs that they got pressed on congress earlier. I know what's going on.


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[Assistant] Writing and performing more brand new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery everybody. Here he is. Oh my goodness.


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[Assistant] Lights out, Montgomery. At it again.


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[Assistant] Uhm, okay, so yeaah, so I showed up to the fucking nice steak dinner and William is standing there smiling with this fucking haircut looking at me. And I'm like, what is going on? And, uh, they're like, we made him cut his hair, isn't it great? And I'm literally like, no, you guys are retarded.


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[Assistant] It is, uh, it is a thing. So, uh, alright William, we did it again. How do you feel? What do you think, what adjustments do you think, uh, we're gonna see of you in the future? You've been doing this show longer than anybody else. A lot of people, you know, love you. A lot of people like you.


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[Assistant] And we did it again. How about a hand for my guests Shane Gillis and Mark Normand, huh?


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[Assistant] Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Vodka, the W Hotel, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, who presents the band, huh? Am I right, people? Dee Madness on the bass guitar, Matt Mueling on electric, and Michael Gonzalez on the drums.


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[Assistant] Some brand new exclusive Kiltoni merch is for sale back there in the corner. Hang out. Uh, the Kiltoni after party starts now. Thank you so much everybody. Good night everyone. Thanks guys. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Me and my dad just watching some baseball together. God damn, it's nice. I love having a dad.


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[Assistant] You know, yeaah, my family stayed together and worked hard, but, uh, no, you guys did alright, right?


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[Assistant] Holy shit, no, I think my earliest memories are just my dad instilling in like, instilling me like hard work and just never give up and follow your dreams and like, just love and commitment to family and uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, so that's, I think that was early on what I remember, but yours was glass and dog shit everywhere. Now that's really funny.


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[Assistant] What do you want the show to be? Do you want it to just be us talking?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and somehow my audio significantly got better. Your audio got better. Yours sounded shitty for a minute. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I apologize everybody for that. Uhm, but no, it's good, it's actually probably good you don't have a dad right now. Although, I mean, he was a minority, so he'd be able to pop off right now, but white dads are bringing home, they're bringing the hottest takes on earth right now.


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[Assistant] Uh, nah, I think you get older and you're kinda like, alright. You accept it? No, don't get me wrong, I'm gonna be real, real fucking sad. But uh. Who's gonna be more sad, uh, your mom or dad?


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[Assistant] I swear to god, it's so funny, we had dinner tonight, uh, the three of us.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I was able to talk. I can talk them into a fight at any moment. So, uh.


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[Assistant] I just, all you have to do is bring up a pool. My mom has always wanted a pool and my dad refuses to get a pool here.


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[Assistant] No. There's no way. She, I think she's doing it purely for clout.


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[Assistant] Oh, cloutches. There's clout. There's, there's, there's different forms of clout for us, for us kids. It's like, you know, Instagram likes for fucking middle-class suburban moms. It's like,


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[Assistant] She would. Slide. Fucking spaz, dude.


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[Assistant] Get a little tamp, get a little tamping going. No, that would be, uh, that would be chaos. That would...


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[Assistant] I mean, can't even imagine. But yea, like, uh, I gotta turn the comments off. It's literally all I read when, uh, yea, you build a nice deck around the above ground pool.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. No, I was literally just looking at pool prices earlier today. Oh, because your mom?


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe I could, maybe I could, me and my, me and my dad could surprise her with a very nice in-ground pool.


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[Assistant] It's, dude, it's, it's night and day, how much better that is. Then, er, excuse me, an in-ground pool is so, like,


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[Assistant] That three, dude, so what Bobby like looked at you, it was like, dude, guess how much this costs. Just take a guess. $350.


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[Assistant] Why would you, what was it, that must have been the shitty, it might have, like it must have literally been tarp filled with water, like a puddle, like how?


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[Assistant] It wasn't really nice. You're being, you're being polite.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's, he's gonna fucking dis- he's gonna break that pool, dude. No, he doesn't go in it. His kid goes in it.


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[Assistant] If for 350, you could get like a fucking ball and slip and slide. If you're only like just keeping it in the backyard in the shed, you can get like a sick slip and slide for that, which is significantly better than a pool if you're not using it. That's just for kids.