[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could be a perfectly normal special needs hello. Like, hey, what's up? I'm looking at my notes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you guys only think retarded means has Down syndrome. He did not have Down syndrome. But he was clearly retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, he was homeschooled. He was homeschooled is a good description. If you put together a list of, at a central Pennsylvania open mic, if you listed most mentally unhinged, he would be top one or two out of 40 to 50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, look, I don't want to besmirch him, but I believe he may have been into uppers pretty intensely. And he, I think one night he got stuck under his own trailer and almost froze to death or like had frostbite and had to get some like toes removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad he, I'm glad he survived. He used to wear a giant piece of bread on, but like a, uh, two boards that he would say bread and be like, hi. Oh yeah. He'd be like, uh, I'm in bread. Killer. He's an absolute killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, it was so fucking funny. I had a, I remember one time at Champs, this dude was, or not, yea it was at Champs, this guy was like talking shit, like he was trying to make fun of me and I was like, everybody can see your dick right now. He was just like, ohhhh. He was wearing


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, what are some other, I remember some other Heath Dequeef classics. Uh, there was one, there was an Asian doctor when he delivered


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The president at the time and he was like, he's like, that's how they got his name. The doctor pulled out the president and said, Oh, Mrs. Obama, you have a Baraka baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't want to smash him because he's definitely gonna listen to this. Somebody's gonna tell him about it. He's gonna be like, I'm famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for them though. It's like, it's like, if you're that type of couple, you can either be a VFW couple or just like, we're going to get into the open mic scene locally, okay? Fucking hammered and fight at the- Fucking rules. That's a good move. Yeah, definitely rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, alright, so there's a, one of these types. It's, literally you would classify him as one of them. Yeah. And he... Freak. He said he was looking at his notebook to Nate. Yeah. And you held onto that grudge for a week. I didn't hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so out of nowhere he goes, we should fight. You just walked outside during an open mic to like smoke. If somebody, if I walked outside to smoke and somebody was like, we should fight, I'd be like, shut the fuck up and I would leave them alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so Nate, this severely autistic man said to you, would you like to fight? You dropped everything you were doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just that guy. Yeah. He used to continue. Yeah. You always try to fight people. All right. So, so yeah, you're out in the alley. You.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, this guy was on Cloud9 after that. I wasn't! He thought he was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was even thinking about moving to Philly for like a year. But, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no more pictures. We gotta take it easy on that. I know, it's impossible not to, like, you feel bad not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta use stats. You know what stat I got? This is my big stat. I've been pretty stoked on this stat. There's more millionaires than people who have tested positive for COVID in the United States. Like, like three to one millionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I got that wrong. We have 18 million millionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 18 million millionaires. And also that feels like that can't be right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Millionaires, if it's 18.6 out of like, yeaah, out of like 360 million. Hell yeaah, so nice to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is nice. Just stand there. I was walking bare feet in the grass. I swear to god your feet tingle. I was walking bare feet in the grass this week. I vividly remember. Back home. I was excited about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to, but I do believe you. It's pretty tight. And I like walking barefoot regardless. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not getting dirty feet if your feet are in the grass. Lush front yard like the way my dad maintains? Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you do have to have the reverse. True. Paintings. For white people it's like, Kincaid paintings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they're like those cozy looking, like it's like a picture of like a cabin. Yeah, yeah. With like smoke coming out of it in the woods. That's pretty nice. I think it's the top selling artist of all time. Really? It's Thomas Kinkage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry Noah. Forgot to check the other box. Did you check other on your census?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, southern Italy's always had a long history of trade throughout the Arabic and Mediterranean world. So yea, you run into a lot of Noah's floating around, where us true crusaders would come down and be like, what are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Come on. Great. Great pool. Lamar. Great pool. Thank you, man. Now, where is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That area of Russia and all those states are just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he came in here immediately, the first thing he said was, this is where dog girl sat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and just the, just the, oh, if I would have caught you. Just getting busted, dude. Oh, if I would have busted you, Jay, now in the hotel would have made me so happy. I cock-blocked LaMari. LaMari was going to jerk off the one night, the first night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it goes back to that, like, Patrice joke of, like, seeing a woman and just being like, like, she has no idea that you're just, literally, I would just look at women and be like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No even, no even, even if, and then if they talk to me I would be like, hey, how are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'd be pissed if, like, they made a movie, like, 20 years later, and Lando's, what's that, Carl Weathers? Is that Creed? No, it's the same movie. Billy Dee Williams. Yeah, Colt 45. He did two characters, Lando and a Colt 45 commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, did I, did I talk about that where I watched the roast of Paul Mooney? Or was it the roast of Richard Pryor? Where he like, outs Paul Mooney?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's fucking incredible. So it's on the, on the panel. Paul Mooney's sitting next to him. He's like, I want you to know... Paul's a faggot. Like everyone's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for the language, but they were black. No, they wouldn't have put that on. I think it was like private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I don't think it was aired. It's on YouTube though. The footage is on YouTube. I think it was supposed to be private, now it's, you know. He's had a private roast? Now he's out there. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tight. What else is going on? What do we got? What's on the record?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night I, uh, farted Phil awake. Yeah, he fell asleep watching the football game. I took my camera out, filmed him from across the room and farted as loud as I could. Every once in a while, we'll just be watching TV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just starts hitting that snore. If you fart loud enough, you can wake him up and he goes... He gets mad, he gets mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen your lady, she's in no danger of being...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always talk, you know, cancel culture and all that. Sucks talking about it. All the time. But, you know, it's important to us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was thinking about those kids, those like cliques. They must have got bullied so bad. Like, cause they're like mean now. They're like mean, cruel people that are like, fucking piece of shit. Fuck yeah. Like, just like, out of nowhere. Yea, they wanted the president to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I was thinking, literally today while I was driving, I was like, man, they must like, must have been just years, cause I don't know what that's like to have been bullied like that. In school, where you're like afraid to go to school cause somebody's gonna be like, fucking fair. It fucks you up for the rest of your life. Yea, and then you move to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Craig did that when we tried to take the, when we stole the PlayStation from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were like, yes, 2 on 2 NHL when we get back to the house, we're gonna fuck you up, talk shit the whole car ride, we get there in crux playing fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Four more minutes. Yea, we keep pushing. We got it in us. Yea, but he outlasted us. Good for him though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his defense, there was like a jacked guy with a mental disorder in the house that hated him. So at any moment he could have gone south.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He ate like insane shit. Yeaah. It'd be like for dinner he would eat like, he would just take out Nutella and put it on like saltines. He ate a lot of Nutella. And just stand in the, he wouldn't sit to eat, he would stand in the kitchen. It was weird. In a robe and slippers. Or he would make himself like a Sunday dinner. And then not say hi or anything. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think I was working a job at the time. I remember when I applied for it, I had a job already. Just was bored.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe less. I think it was $300 a week. And it was like, it was $300 a week and it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually there was some days where it was like 10, 12 hours. Like you'd just get stuck there. Yeaah. Like you'd get there at the beginning. How'd you get that job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, cause they hired me for the sales department at this Toyota dealership. And I told them I couldn't sell cars. Like I wasn't gonna sell cars cause I wasn't gonna commit to those hours. Cause like you have to be there. So then they put me in the internet sales thing, which was cold calling. And I couldn't, I couldn't, never sold one. Never got one thing done. I was like, I'm not calling these people. I would sit at my desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just let it rock? Uh, no, they were like, we're gonna have to get rid of you. And so the garage was like, well take him, he's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, they just moved me to the, I was decent there. Customer service, right? Yeah, the customers, I was the guy at the front desk at the garage. Damn, that's awesome. Except I didn't know shit about cars, so they'd ask me a question about what was wrong with their car, and I'd just be like, look man. That would have been a good segue if you failed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then it got to the point where I would just show up when I showed up. Cause I was like, you guys can fire me, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna sign up for that, and I knew. Dude, dogwalking rules. Zero chance. It was like, the thing I signed up for was almost like an Uber app. A wag. Yeah. And I started to fill it out, and I was like, I'll literally never do this. Well that's the thing with dogs. If I got a notification for it, I'd just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, anybody out there, it gets better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get a lot of, I don't know about you, we get a lot of DMs that are like, shit's tough right now, you guys help us, all that, like a lot of that. It's like bro, we've been there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? Fuck, was it Pipples? I forget what it was. Pipples used to guard- No, I forget the Roman Empire's dog. I just remembered it. King Corso? Might have been the King Corso's. Which fucking rules. It was. It was Husky's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something, King Corso's and then the Roman dog was like, uh, Malamutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were, yea Golden Retrievers were the last like 150 years. Were they really? Yea, they're recent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a big fan. I used to really like them. I don't like the long haired ones. Yeaah. I don't like long hair on a dog. Neither. Nomad Goose. Some mess. No, I don't like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, speaking of, I forgot a minute, the census, to see if it still says Negro on it. Does it really? Cause it definitely did in 2010.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did literally bring it up on an episode recently. Yeah, maybe you did. Maybe when I brought it up you were like, oh yea. I think you're both wrong, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But 2010 census, I saw it on the local news, I was watching it at my parents house, and it was like, make sure you fill out your census. And they were showing an old census, like just B-roll footage, and it was like, white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hispanic, black, or negro. Other. Man, that was a Spanish translation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause Hispanic was right above that. True. Non-white Hispanic was right above that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It literally just was like, here's another way to say it. True, yeaah. On the census. Take your choice basically. Pretty intense. Dealers choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like you guys are the ones doing it. We're talking about white people complaining to get rid of that. Well that's fair. Also, that seems like one black people would be like, alright, take it easy. It's obviously not. Well, I don't think black people are filling out censuses. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could get fired any day. I do wear swishy pants, yes. I wore them yesterday. Jesus. What type of jacket is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else is getting fired. I don't know who. I might fire myself. I might quit. I might fucking quit. I might kill myself. This shit's fucking hard. I might.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you bro. Yeah. Is what it is. Please come on. Those are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? I mean, yep. Trust me. Somebody call us that, but yeah. I was more of a fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were the villains after in Power Rangers? Were they trying to end the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was at a po- well, there's a picture though, I think he like, put a hand, he put a hand on the back of it. The lady was wearing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the problem. He also, he, again, he was going, he thought he was all above board. He was going to young women and telling them he would go, just so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insane! Well there's a picture of the face crab. But then, people are saying- Someone was there with a camera? I think it might have been a setup, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have pictures of Joe Biden, like, doing the same thing to kids, constantly grabbing their faces and shit, no one wants to say anything about that, so, you know, whatever, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. His brother went like, it's conflict of interest for me. Not being like, I would have been like, free my brother, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that you are being disrespected. But this guy, dude, that was a, uh, that was one of those old safety, like, Can we fuck? Yeah, like, can we? Cause that's, people will do that, like, here you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah but I'll, I'll kiss upon greeting my mom. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeah, I guess, but I guess you have to like, you have to like, be like, outwardly refined enough to like, kiss upon grief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, I, yeah. No mouth kiss. If you're Italian you kiss your mom on the mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, people were fucking crying. People were like, people were grieving you. They were like, it's fucked up. First of all, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought about that before, if I like, wildly, if I held down like a very quiet like drug, opiate addiction. Cause I have from ethosine from like a way leftover like cough thing. You used to sip it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was holding my syrup, bro. I bought a bunch of it. I was, I thought I was gonna be the juice man. And he, uh, my friend fucking was holding it at the spot and he drank it all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like 30 bucks for an ounce, and you drink it, and it's like, if you take pills with it, it fucks you up. You have to drink a lot of it, and then you're just like, you could just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then if you're, if you're buying syrup, you got to twist the cap. Cause if the caps crusted, that means someone cut you with Cairo and then you got like that XX, you get sugar on the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think anyone's sippin' syrup anymore, but like, that was a big thing. You get caught, you get fucked. The thing is, wasn't Mac Miller?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, I think he died. I think he was also kind of on those ox and zany too. I think he got hit with some fentanyl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he quit. He claims he quit, but, you know how it is, man. I still look at that little fucking pint sitting there, I'm like, I might po up right now. I might po up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you heard about the, there's a professor who like came out and was like, I think we should decriminalize heroin. I'm a professor of psychology at Columbia. And he's like, there's nothing. He's like, I like to casually do heroin. He's like, there's nothing. He tried to like, he's like, you know, obviously the guy's like a PhD. So he's like super refined, but he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something about like cuddling up with a warm blanket by the fire and just doing some lines waking up all refreshed for the next day. What? He'll like snort lines of heroin by the fire and he's like, I wake up feeling great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think time's cyclical. We're going back to now where weed's gonna be legal, opiates, there's gonna be like little opiate tinctures people can take, we're just back in like the early 1900s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that's all it is. Like, weed used to be legal, it'll be legal again, and you'll be able to like, you'll be able to do coke like a general. What the fuck are you doing? Burping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Fuck, dude. Yeah. Dude, that guy is, uh, he's coming out being like, yo, it's fucked up, I can't do heroin, and just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be sick if they had like a passionate love scene when she finally like lets her guard down around her new boyfriend and like the camera just reveals they're both naked but he has boots on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so the fantasy is to like, drain a bunch of money off of a rich white guy, and then be like, here, I saved you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to see a picture of this. I wanna see what kind of stretch this was. It's called the invisible man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Wait a second, this lady? Oh, this lady's in a lot of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, that's, uh, she was, I mean, on the cover, definitely she's not looking the best on the cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm reading a book right now called, uh, The Hidden Persuaders from the Adam Curtis documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the hidden persuaders, you know, the guys who control the media. In my school they would do that. They're like, you know when Trump talks about teen pregnancy, he really means, these are old white ladies, he really means pregnant black and Latino teenagers. And I was honestly like, I'd never once made that. It's like if you watch Teen Mom, there's a ton of like white trash ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, uh, yeaah, they're like, he's clearly dog whistling. Like, I'm pretty sure you think of black teenagers when you think of Teen Mom, because I don't think that's what they're talking about. But they're talking about how-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Psychoanalysis in marketing to like fuck with people, but the one study they did, and this is before they had like the algorithm basically to study us all in real time, do the one study they're talking about how, this was in the 50s, how they figured out that women, I don't want to talk about this during, you know, women's month, but they were saying, it's women's month right now in March, but they were saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, one study figured, you know, they did a bunch of these, but the one study figured out that there's, uh, mental changes that accompany women's menstrual cycle. And they were allowed to like, you know, run these studies in the fifties. So they're saying they had to figure out how to sell products because they were like women two weeks out of the month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have this like, go-getter capacity, like, I wanna take something on, I wanna do, I don't wanna do something new, I wanna go on an adventure, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second half of the month, it's like, I don't want to be stressed. I'm overwhelmed. I need like attention and care. So the marketers in the fifties would have to advertise, like bake things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am helping. They did the same thing in Latin America with Campbell Soup. They did in, uh, in, it's like soup's like a big thing in, you know, in those countries. So like it was seen as like you would be a, and this is the whole thing they're selling, like it's not just soup, you're being a good mother. But if you did like instant soup in America, like we're like, whatever, who cares? In Latin America, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm a bad mother because I should be making like the good soup. So they just sold Campbell soup in Latin America as a soup base so that they could chop their carrots and be like, I've done it, don't ya? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's potatoes au gratin, but I used to call it potatoes au gratin cause it was a foreign word. So I had to like pronounce everything as foreign as fuck. I think you did the right thing. I think, I think I'm right. But someone was like, yo, it's so funny how you added that in there. And I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're reading all these books, dude. I read beyond my fucking, uh, my meal you. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that was, and it's funny too because I was listening to a song the other day and a guy was, uh, he was like, you know the song, How Can You Lose By Following God? It's the thing that Kanye sampled from. Okay. But the guy's like, he's an alpha and omega. Oh, he said it? Yea, that guy ran outside of his room. Idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it Jon? Yea, Nassar was the head of the snake and this was kind of his wrangler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also crazy. The judge was like, well, I didn't think he was a flight risk. It's like the guy under 10,000 counts of child rape who was just following like one of the largest sport cases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you not just immediately grab that guy and be like, Hey dude, you're like, if you're somehow found innocent, we'll let you back out. But right now it's pretty, seems pretty solid that you were tied in with that other very high profile pedophile who just like abused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I started to get paranoid. I'm like, how'd this guy have the wiggle room to kill himself? Do you know how fucking mad I would be? It's like dude, first of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on here, my lips fucking late, I gotta go to child molester, eternal sentence, child molester court. That's crazy they didn't scoop that dude. Like bro, get in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, in the Philippines, people give it to Workday shit, he just fucking caps drug dealers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he even, if he breaks in, they have to see that you have drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why killing yourself is illegal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not allowed to do it because if on the case that you've committed an atrocity, legally speaking, you're supposed to be brought to justice. So that's what, that was, I was telling you, that's what I was most appalled about. The fact that he skipped court. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring someone out of town and then, because the next year they were adults.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who got like tricked into a pyramid scheme and they're like, we're gonna burn your pussy. And they're like, sure master. And I was like, well, you're 30, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it sounds like you got tricked. Yeah, it's kind of like, well, they tricked us with psychology. It's like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single time. But when you have like 14 year olds, you're like, hit the fucking, no, hit the thing again, hit it again, hit it around my ankle, and it's like, well here's the guy who fingers you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not now. This year, they've been hitting us with aliens. That would be funny if we made contact and they came out and said like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're like kinda sitting around, you know, on some Larry Nassar shit all winter. I would take that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of them get tweaked out bro. Cause you gotta like, the harvest comes in and you're just like, sun up to sun down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is funny, the guys always, a lot of the guys, I should say, I wanna, you know, smite everyone who claims alien, but they're always like, yeah, they fucked my ass. It's like, I think you're fucked with your ass, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're gonna have to contend with the, uh, did you watch the whole Curtis thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's going to be crazy to have to do. I mean, I'm thinking about aliens. I'm like, cause I thought about it before. It could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My one theory of like how everything is could be the fact that AI has gotten us to this point where it was like, you know, maybe I stole a little bit of this from the hundred, but it's like, you get to the point where you're like, hey, figure out how to save us and they're like, oh, we'll shut it down and contract the universe into a big bang and it re-exploded on the same thing that it comes, basically we'll just do a restart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you would be like, I think you dislocated your pelvis and start doing this, and as a doctor you can go, I'm gonna have to check something internally, and then it would just finger. Which is like, dude, how pumped are you on fingering? So you're 45.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see his right hand, he might have been like the dude, that might have been his fucking, uh, whatchamacallit, Anakin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the guy, what was the coach who was sending him to Larry Nassar getting out of it? Would he get to like watch or something? Like what the fuck, how was he involved in it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'll never be here to be able to tell his side of the story. So you can only assume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the fact that he got killed, dude, or suicide or whatever, that is like, dude, you have Epstein dies and that was crazy. People still are like, yeah, that was clearly some sort of thing where it's like, there was no way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And set up a thing for like two days. I can be like, I'm pretty sure I can make sure this guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty simple. 25 bucks an hour. The United States government couldn't muster up. 24 hour direct service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, it's like, if I leave my park, my car parked on like 16th and Chestnut for 45 minutes, I'm 80% sure I'm going to get a parking ticket. It's that efficient to write you a $37 ticket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're just like people from like the north. True. It's just kneesters, dude. True. It's just people from the north. They'll get you. Chainsmoking, walking around. Five minutes. Mailman outfits. Yes. They'll shnag you. The fact that they couldn't be like, yo, we need to find out what this guy was up to. And they were like, oh man. Oops. Oops. Whoops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, bro? Or he took off his jumps? Again, no ju- it's like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen upwards, but I've never seen a downward curve. I mean, you really can't do it. You can only do the oil rig if that's your case. You mean like a pirate hand? Yes. Okay. I've seen...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ramp's great. The ramp's horn gets it done. I got a good, yeah. That's a G-spot tickler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need a decent amount of dick if you're coming, if you're going to do a reverse cowboy. If you're going to do a reverse cowboy. You're going to spin around. I'm trying to figure, I'm trying to map that out actually. So you have a downward facing dick. So you need to approach women butt, your ass forward. On all fours and just throw it back and just fuck them from behind. They can never see your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Yeah, like, uh, what was that one movie? Almost like a double dildo set. Yeah. Yeah. Was that Eyes Wide Shut? No, it was Requiem for a Dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never tried to bring ass to dick, soft-ass to dick on a stretch on the toilet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, it's one of those things, sometimes you pull your penis, your testicle skin over your penis. That's a, that's a sick one. You take your ball skin, pull it over your dick. That's just a second phase. Stretch bird, stretch bird, place cock in ass. Stretch bird to your butthole, put it up against the frontier and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've only ever done the snail. There was the cheese, was it the cheeseburger? What was the cheeseburger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snails when you take your dick, you stack your balls and you take your dick on the side. Yeah, I got it right away. Yeah. Bubble gum is also a great one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I gotta, uh, I don't know if you guys killed animals, but the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were, we would, used to go fishing, catch catfish, and put M80s in their gills, and they're just, literally explode. Turnin' nothin', turnin' nothin', dude. Close casket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't impressive. We undertaker'd, we ultimate warrior'd a grasshopper in a box and put it under in a sandbox. We dug it underneath the sandbox, dug it up. I swear to God, it was like five days later, hopped right out. Put a grasshopper in the freezer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a fucking grasshopper just in a box. There's like a Chinese food container underneath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if that guy's getting paid to suck dick now. Hopefully. Yeah, it's been about 10 years. I mean, yeah, hopefully he's probably fucking nasty right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Damn, what if he was doing it for drugs and was like, whatever. Kinda like sucking dick better. Maybe he was a fucking turn around tail. He was sucking dick for drugs and was like, I actually just kinda like sucking dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've wondered about that, if we're all just, cause I'm reading about the subconscious and how we all get like fucked with by marketers, I wonder if we all are just that horny, but then we kind of, we have these constructs where we pigeonhole ourselves into boxes. Where it's like, no, I would never!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, dude, I wonder if you are that horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah. But you're like, but the part of yourself, you know, call it the super ego, obviously that's like, no. Not doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, are we all? I don't even think there's gay people. I think gay people are lying. I think they actually do like pussy. I think everyone's lying. I think everyone's just horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you know, like my dogs, my dogs will hump each other. Girl dog will hump the boy dog, boy dog will hump the girl dog. I think we're that horny naturally on some level. But we organize ourselves through like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's cool. Dude, I got really suspicious around that. That was a lot of suspicious activity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what's going on, but something's fishy. You would call Uber after Uber and not catch it. It was the funniest thing. I'd be like, dude. He'd be like, I'll just send another one. I'm like, you can't keep doing that. He's like, I'll just call another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They drafted you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feels good. Yeah, it feels nice. You should just fucking boss it up, hot dog on it. Do you hot dog on them? No. You don't? I would never, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black dudes hit their thirties and it's pot belly, bro. If you're not a YouTube trainer, you're getting a pot belly. I worked in a labor union, it was primarily black dudes, and they hit their thirties, and they're all like, I don't know what the fuck's going on, I got this belly. It's like, dude, you eat a hoagie every day. Every single day. You eat a hoagie. It's so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only fight it for so long. Although, you can be a ripped bald dude. Which, you know, it can be done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's low, low frequency stuff. You design, you just surrender it. It's a mechanism. I mean, I'm not going to talk about that right now, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ang, well anger is a little higher up, it's right below courage, but yea dude it's, you know, you just start surrendering all those things and your whole experience changes pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause what you experience is coming from your, your level of vibration you're, you know, operating on when you surrender, like shame, guilt, anger, pride. Then from there you go to courage and then that's when things start to change and you know, you can work your way all the way up. You know how you test it? Tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they'll do what they do, but it's triggering something, like obviously if they're not like, if they're holding you down and like fucking your ass, it's different. But if you see something that's bothering you, that's something you have to surrender within yourself. Then the energy you spend getting fucked up about that thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start to reach higher levels of consciousness and your outer experience starts to change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really just, there's like archetypal parts of your brain that you're just dealing with. It's your, you know, it's the only way I can express it or, you know, you know, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you feel, uh, that's the thing, the symbology, people get hung up on what the things mean, like the things that when you're interpreting dreams, it's like, yeah, there's that, but it's like, how did you feel? I liked it. So you liked getting your dick sucked by your friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get it up around temple, Amir. Huh? You get that up around temple. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think, I think if, what if you were about, what if, what if, like a temple, if you were to go approach like, you know, coeds and like stare at them, but you're also inviting them to the underground dance-off, like step up to the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, the dude who used to try to, uh, charge his phone in my house, it was campus security, he would tell me how he molded, he was like, yeah man, I fucking, I think he was campus security, this guy fucking ruled. He was campus security, he'd always try to charge his phone in my house, and I was always kind of bugged out, like, who is this guy, he's not coming into my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was telling me that he had locked down a bit, he started going to college parties. He started like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude was talented, man. This dude, he looked like, you know the guy from, uh, fuck, what the fuck is that, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all have long dreads and they're kind of fat. This dude almost looks like, who's the fucking black dude with almost like blue eyes who's on like General Hospital or ER? He's in a ton of movies. Yea, I know. He's always playing like a, he's always playing again and there was like Hal Stella got her groove back, he's the dude who has like always his sleeves kind of like this. Tate Diggs? Tate, I think it's him. Or like what, Kai Pfeiffer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever had a homosexual? He kind of looked like Michael Ealy. Yea, the dude kind of looked like Michael Ealy and he was just turning chicks out. He would hop off the huffy, put on his gear and just hit parties. I'm like, what's up guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, because in order to get the, the, uh, in order to kind of like stoke the ire of cancel culture, you need to have power. So if you don't have any power. No, I don't think you'd be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been pounding the fuck out of us. Nah, this dude was chilling, man. I think he like started like getting into music. He's like, I'm a musician. I could have told you that for sure. A hundred percent. His band camp started immediately, dude. He put down the mountain bike and it was just SoundCloud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know that they can, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they would do that. Because right now they're getting like, Cuomo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I, I, I do think it's a, yeah, but I think among young, young white chicks, it's become kind of, uh, out of fashion, black dudes of rape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, I was in school and there was ladies who were like, I don't call the cops on black people, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would see dudes like, checking car handles, like to see if they're locked and being like, that's not mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did call the cops on him once because he was shooting heroin outside of her house. And then she was like, and then I saw them and I was like, I just put him in danger. They could have, he was just trying to get high. There's nowhere for him to do that. So she came in and was like, that's the level these, you know, these, a lot of these chicks are on. They're like, you called the cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, moved to West Philly and be like, we're members of this community. It's like, no you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your grandmother pays your rent. This was like a family who had like a science wing, or like a wing of NYU named after their grandfather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well what point are you gonna stop do- like it's, it's weird to keep doing that and being like, she's black. It's like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not weird. That's fucking crazy. That's not weird. They did another one recently, there was like, the first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's his cause? What's he doing? So I think, didn't Mrs. Pence do something, uh, like, didn't she have some shit she was up to? I know Melania was trying to stop cyberbullying, which fucking rules. That is very funny. Thank you, Melania. Yes. I've noticed we've got a lot less hateful comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going right up against our former first lady, which I, you know, it's kinda fucked up. If you're being mean online, it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the thing that pushed him over the edge. He was like, I think slavery thing is actually pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, how hard is your heart pounding before you're about to shoot the president in the back of the head in a public space? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty badass. Damn. Imagine, imagine back then there probably was some sort of media source that was like pumping out crazy shit. Yea, there was like a Fox News for the South.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got dethroned in Wii Tennis at my parents house this weekend. I was fucking sick. I was pissed man. I was going home and just effortlessly crushing everyone in my family without playing at all. I was just nasty. I might have to get a Wii Tennis dude. I might be the best game dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was actually pretty mean to me. Was she? Yeah, she wasn't a big fan of me, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope, just, uh, pretty much just secret projects, bro. Secret projects? Secret projects, yeah. Good. Got some big ones coming, but again, they're all secret.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, seriously, it was in my living room, guys! So, come on! Wow, wow, Wes. Here we go, dude. Woah, woah, I like these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something coming out from its back that looks like what I would describe as wings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not there, but he put the video up of him getting punched in the face on his Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little bit of personal business, not even a comic, just a dude that didn't like him, just lurking in the back of the comedy show for two hours. And then right when it was ending, he ran on and just socked him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, do you guys wanna see? Can I show you guys some shit here real quick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First off, we've got this guy who's been sentenced to death for being a baby. Right here. So we're gonna kill the fuck out of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got another one here who's uh, the latest, the latest hypocrite on the radar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would any public execution be if we left out this fucking guy, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, check your microphones here, it's gonna get loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would be my ques- I was unaware of dog girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a complete sexual thing. I was getting a schooling in the back of what it is you do. It's totally sexual, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the dog girl stuff. It's for boners. It's for boners. It's not like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This may have already been answered, but uh, in the dog stuff, how dog does it go? Like, we talking pee and poop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you don't put, you wouldn't put a dick in your mouth to get the peanut butter off, right? Because that would not be doggish. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. And then what happened? Are you gonna put your paws in each other?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, a dog doesn't get lasered. A dog would have a big ol' shaggy bush. And from what I can tell, an infected clit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he see full box? Sorry, dog pussy. Did he see full dog pussy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Total bra dude. That's not a bra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Izzy died wearing a neon prince short set in 1992. It's true. It's too wordy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea. We did OnlyFans for free. But I never showed my clip. I would have shit on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's your one. Well you know we're taking out the gluten. Now we're making diet stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you vote Matt? Huh? Did you vote, did you already say you voted for him? I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why not just get dog treat shaped like graham crackers or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was gonna be our moment. Then they'd find us in the rubble, hugging, dicks in hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, this is weird. What? What's happening? Shane was gonna try to tickle me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Could I be dog boy? Or is that just biting her shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mr. Trump, how do you feel about the election night and how it's going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked into the inside range with no, they gave me the headphones and I figured put them on when you get to the stall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miss, I'm sorry about that, but in fairness, put a little respect in your tone, would ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, they're moving always. The sandwiches they are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I think that at least, I think the electoral college can do whatever they want, but they tend to go with the state. Yeaah. With the popular vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this is just sanitizing, just need it on the tips, you know. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey dude. Shane, did you hear the bad news? Uh, Johnny Depp lied. That girl never shit on his bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Biden takes New Hampshire. Trump takes Utah. That's big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way I'm not gonna get Reginald Denied out of my explore tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just won, uh, Biden won, uh, California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, we can all agree that Giuliani really did nothing wrong in that Borat movie whatsoever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, did you see Ron Paul episode? No, I just saw that whoever you're texting just wrote back, uh, you're drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like, not a big sporting event. Dirt track racing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The hell's this? The hell? It's still moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, cause if you wrote it earlier, you'd just be thinking about that bombing for longer. True. I feel like that's why, yea. Whenever you just like panic and put something together, you're like, well this sucks, but I don't have to worry about it for two minutes. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's driving through with his wife and daughter, and they like, there's just white Texans being like, c'mere boy! Yea, they take his wife and daughter. They smell pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't really know anything about the, yeah, it'd have to be, it'd have to be small, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, you'd wanna, you'd wanna carry yourself like you don't have one. So that people don't see it coming. True. I'm very, I, I try to calm things down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in Texas, yeaah. I just came from a family party, I know a couple things about football. I was talking about the bowl games. They need to squirt some COVID. That's our hope, is Alabama gets COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still think I'd like to see, I'd like to see. It would rule. Trust me, I'm gonna watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been getting, I've been following Notre Dame Hockey a little bit on Instagram.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. All my off days. I'm getting like a tightness in my heel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so wanting to see that dog going around. And then the ISIS puts together a witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it'd be fun. I'd like to see more, like, assassinations, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate Porsche. I hate the new Porsche. I never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's literally like on a full scholarship to support black people, that's like her thing, right? Cheerleading?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying that it's like she chose, she chose a like a college prof, I don't know what do you call that? Like her like. It's a sport. That's a sport. Now they do like. Shuling is a sport dude. I watched, I watched cheer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they won't care, right? If the money's right. Wow, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been watching a lot of women's programming, like murder stuff. Really? Yeah. Hang out with a lady. No, it's, it's, I was watching one, you know that guy, do you remember the guy who like killed his whole family out in Colorado?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they spend a whole time, they spend a whole time, like, like looking at footage of him, like, cause there's like all this cop body cam footage of like, after they, like, these people go missing, them like talking to him and shit. And he's trying to like cover it up, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Wow. What fucking wife? It's crazy. They start, they start looking into this guy's life. He has, he has no history of violence whatsoever. Like everyone around him is like, yea, he's like totally normal guy. He's chill. Never did anything, like, he wasn't like killing cats as a kid. Never did time. He wasn't doing, yea, he wasn't doing, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His family didn't go to the funeral. Uh, didn't go to the wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not going. And in the documentary they're like, well, they hated him, they hated her because she wanted to move out to Colorado. They're from like North Carolina or something. And then they enter, they go to like an interview with the family and it's just like, the mom is like, I could never get along with that woman. She's a nightmare. It's like, that is nothing. The mom is like, I would have killed that bitch if my fucking son didn't, which he didn't. They're like, are you going to investigate this at all? Like, whoa. Yeah. Did he kill the kid? He killed the kid. Oh, he killed him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He killed everybody. He killed two kids. I mean, he's like, yea, he's a fucking horrible person. That'll catch him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I was like, are we gonna look into what this lady was doing at all? Someone with no history of violence kills their whole family, we're not gonna examine why that happens?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think they transplanted and it worked. Guy's got a unit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I see it I get angry. Is it supposed to be like winking and nodding to old people like, these young people, they don't even know what word I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Detroiters? Yeah, but it's like, it almost feels like they couldn't hire that guy, so they hired like another black guy that sounds exactly the same. It's really weird. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was something that was bothering me when they were talking about how like minorities are afraid to take the vaccine as well. And they were like, well there's a history here that we need to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, why can't they just be ignorant pieces of shit like the white people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, yeah, it's like starting on like a division two team and getting all the experience versus like riding the bench on division one team. It's like, you could probably go pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, it's weird. I mean, the whole like, yeah, the whole Trump thing, this, the, like, $2,000, that has been so weird. Yeah, what, he's for the $2,000? He like did the right thing. He was like, you know, whatever his fucking motivations were, he was just like, no, there's fucking not enough money in here for regular people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Trump was like, no, there's not enough money in this. And he said, I'm not gonna like fucking sign it. Yeah, some bullshit thing. And then, then like they started like negotiating to get this potential $2,000 out to everyone. And then though, like the New York Times and stuff had to like come up with ways to make it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, you don't wanna, yeah, it's not worth getting off the grid if you have to spend all your time, like, trapping squirrels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, I mean, you know, keep working on, uh, showberhood. What's coming out? Yeah. Need to record this next episode. I've written it, sentences and people, baby. Heard anything back? Uh, really no feedback. No, but I'll, I, it needs work, which is fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, we're fucking live. We're live. It's been a while since we've been in the studio. I know man. It's crazy. I mean dude, I don't even know where were we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where was I? Oh yeaah, I was here last week. It was fucking crazy. Oh yeaah. The week before that, it was a blur. It's all a blur. You've been on the move, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, I had to hold down the fort last week. I appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool as hell. I thought when you described it to me, I'm thinking like, when I think of bad comedy places, I can conjure up some like very hellish scenes. Yeah. So I was, I was like drumming up some scenes and I saw a picture of a place with girls. Nah, yeah, you're in the pan. I made a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fucking rules. That's as good of a weekend as you can have. That was a victory. How did you guys make amends on the bus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bernie used to do that to me. I'll be driving to my parents house and she'd never been there before. Like, I think we're going the wrong way. And I'm like, dude, you grew up like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six hour flight, it's like a six hour drive. You're gonna tell me how to get to my parents' house from the place I've been living for fifteen years?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their directions are even worse than MapQuest. Remember you had to print out the MapQuest and be like, do we turn? Does the road, you know, you'd have to like mentally gauge 0.8 miles and you're like, I don't know, dude, I think we passed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that directions are, I mean, it's just like gas stations that aren't there anymore. You're like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, we're in Pennsylvania. Dude, I don't know, this is a bunch of little lines dude. That's a sick weekend though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you give me the shivers, you're like, ooooh, hoho, dude.


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[Assistant] Damn, that's awesome. Hell yea. That's what's up, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is, he's a bear. He's a grizzly. He's like a big, he's like a dude who's so big he's hot by default. Yeaah. So he could have any face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could hold you like that and grip you by your buttocks. He could eat, he would palm each of your butt cheeks. And just fucking level you dude. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, of him, imagine that. How'd it happen? A dude was like, stop, put me down, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dog is tough, dude. Cause they're not gonna bend in half. If you hold a midget like that, they're not gonna fold. The second gravity is perfect. They just lay perfectly, like a 90 degree angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sick nickname. Sick nickname these days. He would hold me, he would hold me with one arm, and he would just take you out, and I would have to the whole time watch, knowing I was dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quinn Nelson. We'd both be front row at the next game, be like, dude, go Colts, let's gooo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you think the thing would go down from like us? He'd probably elicit us for a massage. Oh, you think he'd hit us with a Watson? Yea, he hit us with a small towel or movement, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to hit, uh, I was at a wedding on. Oh yeaah. Saturday. Yeaah. It was blessed. But they, uhm, I believe the bride was from Penn State and then I think one of my cousins went to Penn State so he was, he started doing the Penn State stuff and I just got up real quick between him and his girlfriend. Maybe she went, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, I've never got, this wasn't like a full on, I've met couples who were like full on like blue and white type, like blue and white party type things. This was like a small uprising. This was like a, this was a couple people. I had to just stifle what I could on my side, I couldn't cover the whole ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, cool down the party. Dude, I had a, uh, I had a wild night, man. I went, so I go to this wedding and, uh, remember I told you when I did the five grams, I like was like the idea of dancing. I was like, I'm just going to dance anywhere. Yeah. Whatever. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say that. You say that. No, it's fine. You can totally go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies, right, I was, so here, I'll give you the full scoop. So I'm sitting there and I go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit the dance floor, but and this is, you know, again, I'm not perfect. I take two micro dose capsules, take two micro dose capsules, and then I pig out on the vape pen a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I saw, and that's it. I'm like, you know, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm having a good time. I watched a ceremony and it was, I was sitting there the whole time. Like the, I guess it was like the maid of honor starts talking about like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just how like, you should have been bringing up like moon stuff and how like, we're on like a planet and I'm just sitting there just being like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm sitting there, I'm like, hell yea dude, she's like talking about the planet and like the gravitational pull between people and I'm like, that's a theory I've had, yes, go on. So I'm sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm enjoying myself. I'm having a good old time, dude. I'm sitting there enjoying myself during the ceremony. It was like, the place was beautiful too. It was like in North Jersey. And uh, so I'm sitting there being like, dude, we should, everyone here should be like, a wedding where like most of the people were on mushrooms is, I think, the way you should do it. Cause I'm telling you, dude, I'm watching, like this is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We also obviously, you know, the, the chrism he blessed people with was obviously laced with cannabis, but. No. Yes it was dude. No. They found, they know for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting there, dude, I'm just vibing so hard. I'm like, man, this rules. Like, this is so much, to me, I'm like, this is so much better than drinking. I don't have to like sit there and get like hammered. I just took my two little microdose capsules. I'm having fun. So we go inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, this place was like over the top. Like, high scale. Like, we walk in. Degas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like lobster tails cascading down an ice sculpture with like shrimp and then a whole station of people cutting up calamari. It was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there were six other stations. I just saw that and was like, this is, you know, for a cocktail hour, this is amazing. So I started eating like scallops and shit and then they're like, you know, there's like five other stations, dude. There's steak, bacon, sausage, sushi, lo mein. It was, it was crazy. So I'm walking around just feasting, dude, eating all this stuff again, noticing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pigs, dude. They are. This was the most pig-ish display. Again, I just wanted to be polite, so I obviously joined in and ate as much as possible. You feasted. Yea, I wanted to be polite. So I, you know, I had like a lot of bacon. I was just like ripping, I would go back and forth to these tables just eating sausage, eating, I just ate meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this was like a, this was like a, uh, uh, like a five station buffet that you could just, and like there was no line cause there's so many different options. So I just kept just hitting the, there was these long shrimps on sticks that, oh dude it was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I picked, I picked, you know, again, you know, when in Rome, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why they say that. Yeah. Yeah, one among the Italians, dude. Yes. Yeah, I didn't want to shame them with like my austere Irish diet. I could have went there and ate like a small bit of mashed potatoes and a small piece of shitty meat. Yeah. And like one or two green beans. And then got blacked out, hammered and laid on the ground. I was like, you know, let me honor these people by enjoying their sumptuous feast. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine gravy every night? Every, every Sunday, bro. Fine gravy, long dinners, dude. The wine is like, do not have wines unthinkable. So I get, I get a little taste. I get, I was like, you know, it's pretty cool. So, uh, by this time I, I decide, I said, you know what? I'm having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's eat a weed gummy. Ooh. What the heck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the heck dude, I'm, you know, I'm having a good time, I'm not really drinking much, I'll eat a weed gummy. Dude, I forgot, when you're on, even if you're on a little bit of psilocybin, it really heightens the effects of weed. Oh no. Dude, this thing fucking, long story short dude, I get done pigging out, this weed gummy kicks in on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I was, I was like, fucked up. I was pretty fucked up. Not like, you know, I was cool, I was holding it down, but like, I catch, I would like catch myself just like staring at, cause I was, I was like analyzing my family being like, cause everyone started getting drunk and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm watching White Claw Billy, I'm watching him and my cousin Joey were out on a mission, dude, trying to get ass, dude. It was so fucking funny. Dude, I mean, they're just, they're two bros, they're two bros, they're two lone bros. So they were out there, dude, trying to get ass, and I'm like sitting there, like every now and again, one of my cousins would just be staring at me, cause I would just be like this for like two minutes, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'd look up to like my cousin from across the table just being like, I'd look at them like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my paranoia was starting to base around, that my family thought I was like a drug freak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I would like it, you know, and Brittany had a couple pops, so like she was like starting to fade on me a little. So that was my main thing, I was like, are we too fucked up for this wedding? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, dude. Fuck, we failed as a couple, dude. We were fucking retarded. And then like, I was like, shit. And then, you know, again, I like, but I would like oscillate between that and be like, nah, dude, you're totally cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the difference between drinking and doing like, you know, light, uh, hallucinogens at a point. I, dude, I, I might toss that out as the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The challenge of this summer, hallucinogenic wedding challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's so fucking fun. It was a blast. Again, there was a change with little bits of paranoia. But dude, I would sit there and like analyze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hitting the dance floor on weed gummy and some mushrooms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was screaming. We took one there, it was everyone, and I smelled like weed, and being like, what the fuck, and I was like, well it's weed. I was like, I don't care about that. It's because I'm high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I also thought it was somewhat of a false flag because I didn't, I only had a vape pen on me. So I think someone was just trying to conjure up the beef on me. Yea, it'd probably be Bill. Wasn't Bill. Not, that sounds like a sign of- Although I did have weed gummies so they might have stunk on me. I don't know. But people, dude, people were on my ass from the beginning of the thing. Really? A little bit. Get off my fucking back!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta turn this thing around. We gotta turn around and say, bae, dance floor, let's go. We hit the dance floor, dude. So I started, you know, I'm just doing my little stuff and out of nowhere she come, bae comes alive, bring her to the dance floor, she just fucking lights come on. It's time for the percolator. Dude, she goes, yea exactly, she goes, look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's all you gotta do. Here's the secret to dancing. When the drums hit, just hit your feet as the drums hit, like you're playing the drums with your feet. Dude, it hit me like a revelation. I was like, what the fuck? I remember just telling her, I'm like, did you just give me the black secret?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I like fully understood what rhythm was. Colors secret. Sorry, excuse me. POC secret. BIPOC. POC secret dude. BIPOC secret. Now I was like, I, it was so funny to me cause I, for the longest time would just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, oh, that's all you got to do. Just match your feet to, I'm like, that's what rhythm, dude, the whole thing was like a revelation. I'm like, that's what rhythm is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just moving in sync to the music, like in like, but specifically with the drums, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're out there, I have this like, I have this profound revelation where I'm like, this is how rhythm works, I'm having a blast dude, I'm dancing my ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so fun. And then like, it all gets crowded and then, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had to take a break. I got like two- I was having so much fun that I almost was like, dude, take a breather. So I went to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gave myself a little mirror talk and then the whole thing flipped back around where I'm like, you're good to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, you can't, I mean again, it's a wedding. These guys, him and Joey are hard stags. Joey at one point took off his belt and started doing limbo on the dance floor. These guys were getting after it dude, trying to get assed, so by any means necessary. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm sitting there with uh, I'm sitting there with Britt and she's like, look, I'm gonna chill out, like just go back out there and go have fun with like Billy and your family. And I was like, I'm not gonna go out there by myself. And then I was like, yeah, I probably should. Dude, I just danced by myself the entire night. It was so fun. It was so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give you that. Dude, you thought I did, and I thought I- I always thought I kind of stunk, but dude, now that I'm equipped with re- my next challenge, I gotta go to a BIPOC wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I hit a couple of those, I hit a couple of those, like I hit a couple of DDRs, I hit a couple of Dance Dance Revolution moves at the wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm just gonna get out there and not even for myself, just add to the vibe of the party. And I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, something's happening and I don't know what it is. Dude, the rest of the night was very fun, dancing with silly Billy. Watching Billy out there having fun. Brother Kevin got out there. Classic stiff McGriff dude. He is a stiff McGriff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was moving, dude. I'm telling you, I was, dude, I was vibing so hard, it was rubbing off on the whole floor. That makes sense. At one point, the funniest part was they started, I hate when my family does this, they start doing like a circle thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No I am. The BIPOC wedding. The BIPOC wedding I'm going to. I believe in July. No microdoses. I'm gonna try to do it stone sober and go out there and just dance my ass off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perhaps more of a train, but maybe a circle too. Might be more of a two line structure, I don't know if the circle's gonna happen. True. There's not much of a circle there, cause everybody, like the circle's usually, it's kind of like a, let's say a wider defense mechanism to be like, oh, you suck out, and you're like, no, I'm participating, but then you just like, you go do it, and then you kind of watch. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Q, if you go to a black wedding, it's the opposite. You're fucking gay if you don't dance. People are like, what's, they'll come up and be like, you're okay. Yeah. But there are, it's funny because there are black people who aren't good at dancing and they kind of like. They lean back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is funny seeing the black dudes you like kinda stink at it and they will kinda like stand off and, you know, there's the whole, you know, it's a big deal. But yea dude, that's my personal, and again I could-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you just take a microdose or two, like a little like .2, .3 dose and go dance or go just to a wedding, it's fun, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't own mushrooms. Mushrooms would be fun. It's a mental shift, dude. When you take yourself out of the equation, you're just like, I'm just a being serving the fucking, this function of this party, and like, my personal outcomes are relevant. Such a mindset change, dude. I had so much fun. We left early, though. I believe you. We got out early. What the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I, I, I was, you know, I'd had enough. I also, this was the other thing too, dude. This was possibly the weirdest part of the whole thing. So I'm sitting there, I'm at the table between little like, you know, bouts on the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who the fuck's his problem? Fuck him. True. Eh, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I'm sitting there, I'm at the wedding, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm sitting there and like, dude out of the corner of my eye I see this dude and I could have sworn he was looking at me like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, here's the thing, so I'm sitting there and I go, I look, I look back and I'm like, the guy's just like staring at nothing and I go, holy shit, dude's like, does my mind lightly hallucinate judgment all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm like, what the fuck is that guy? And I'm like, I'll like see, this is, this is like a weird thing I kind of experienced while I was there. I was like, I think I mildly hallucinate my waking hours, like judgmental looks and stuff that just don't exist. My mind just projects them out onto people. And then I just sat there being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like apparently, I've read about this before, but like people will like minorly hallucinate little things that like just didn't happen at all. Like you'll read like a sign, you could have sworn it said something else and you look at it again, you're like, well my mind just literally projected something on there. So I was like, I think I do that a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's dude. So I got these things from Chicago, uhm, when I was out for my sister-in-law's graduation party. It's illegal out there. So I went and got a bunch of weed gummies, flew back with them. You can't stop me. And the, uh, dude, they say they're fucking 10 milligrams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll like eat half of them. And again, you know, being on a microdose ramps them up. But even the one day I ate one when I was, uh, in Chicago for the graduation party, dude, I was stuck. I was like, these have to have more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This package says a hundred, but I always thought it's a hundred total. So it's like, they're definitely not a hundred, but they're supposed to be ten a piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, these things were like fucking knocking my socks off. And then that's when I, when I had the half of one at a wedding, I was like, I'll get half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's on a concentrate in certain areas. So some, yeah, sometimes you eat one, it's a dud. Sometimes you eat one, you go, this is like four in one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll like walk by a person, think what they might be thinking about, like in terms of like, especially with the mask shit, I'll walk by a person, see them like, even if they even, if I think they're thinking a thing about me, I'll walk for a block and a half and be like, and then if they were to turn around and say this, I'd be like, yea dude, well fuck you then. I'm like, if it got physical, I'm like, I'll catch myself being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's been something I've been paying attention to a lot, like how when I see a person, like whenever you see a stranger especially, it's just like you have this like mental, not explosion, but like it just sets, it sets off a physical, if it's a girl, sets off a certain physical reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] penis and your fucking, even your heartbeat. And then you, yea, if you see a hot chick, your heart beats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see a certain type, if I see a dude who's like taller than me and well put together, I'm like, what a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, if the society was underpinned by like a lot of people not trying to be productive at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's playing to his base, I know what you're saying, he's playing to his base, and he's gonna start trying to do some like, like yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah dude. Yeaah, it's fucking dude. You like Israel. Who me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, dude, the, uh, I was sitting there with, uhm, Brittany's mom. We're going to the airport. She got a robo call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like, from like, I don't know, some checklist of lock-in dude, being like, oh, you are identified as a person of color, and she's like, yes. He was like, what do you think about the vaccine? Do you have access to it? And she's like, yeah, you know, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody should get it under 12 years old and that it is very safe and that you should get it every year as opposed to, I'm sitting there being like, what fucking kind of market research, what kind of, and then he would stop at between every like four, like super creepy dystopian questions, he would stop and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you agree that it is, uh, people of color are disadvantaged? Okay, so should children be forced to get the vaccine in order to play the sports? And I'd be sitting there like, dude, this is fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. I think the narrative they got going right now is like, don't let the man tell you you can't get the vaccine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, they're playing to this whole thing of like, be a revolutionary and step up. I might get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm addicted to it, dude. The vex? Hey, I've gotten it, like, I've been very closeted about it, I've been very closeted about it, I've gotten-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I haven't gotten it because I'm genuinely, I don't take fucking Advil. I don't take Tylenol or Advil. So they're like, here, take this. I'm like, I'll wait. I'll wait for it. I also don't want to jump the line, bro. You know, I want to make sure everyone who's more vulnerable than me can get it. So I'm going to wait another 65 years, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll, you know, maybe consider it. There's now talking about what I got from that robocall. They're going to try to like do a two for one flu COVID shot. And they're going to start trying to give it out to people once a year. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what I got from the thing, but I think they're also trying to really pump up kids to get it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True dude. Well that's the other thing too, a lot of the stuff, a lot of the stuff I read is like, they talk about like, they call it vaccine hesitation. Well apparently too, I think they also...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, they include anti-vaxxers as people who are against mandated vaccines, if that makes sense. They're like, well that's an anti-vaxxer. And it's like, ehhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got shots, I just, when people are like, hey, here's a new one, take it now, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. I just believe in science. I'm like, let's let the scientific process on play in its fullest. I want to do more of a meta-analysis on everyone who gets it first. But, you know, again, I just fucking love science, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will they shoot at my thigh? Or does it have to be the arm? Cause my veins, my veins are already, dude, they're fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that's all I cared about. When I was in 5th grade, all I cared about were pubes. I needed pubes. Veins were so nice when you had veins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most people are fine. Their, Hoss has been sending me some research.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's based off the CDC. And it's, it's nothing crazy, it's just the unexplained deaths kind of jump significantly, uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, I think we're coming out of it, but they want to hit that 70% mark. So they're going to start vaccinating the chair and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once I hit that 70% mark, then it's kinda like, alright, we'll just start selling this shit every year. It'll be like the flu shot, in two years it'll be like, you know you don't get the flu shot and nobody gives a fuck? Yea. It'll be like that in a couple years, man. But, you know, for now, the funny part is the masks, like people don't know what to do with themselves. Masks is tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I just, I just launched a pretty decent experiment and I was at a wedding of about 200 people. Dancing my ass off dude. Yeaah. So, stay tuned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be personally responsible to fly to Chicago and secure two new bolo ties, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your grandmom's feelin' naked as hell, be like, damn, I'm gonna follow on, I feel like I'm underdressed for the occasion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if you go out, I think like, there's so much trash. If you go outside of the resort and like go around the Dominican Republic, it's just like empty two liters and Cheeto wrappers. Like just fucking piled. For like, it's a whole road is just fucking like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like the tailgating. They like the tailgating. The tailgating's fun. If you do the tailgating and then you go for like two innings and leave, great day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucked up when we did the Notre Dame game, I was so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I barely remember, I couldn't tell who, like what the fuck was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was an older couple that kept telling me and Brittany we could stay at their house. Like, they kept being like, yea, anytime, yea, come out and stay with us, we got plenty of room. I'm gonna be like, are these guys trying to fuck us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I remember just sitting next to this couple who kept throwing it out there, like, come stay with us. And I was like, like, Brittany, we gotta get fucking ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my number one nightmare of like flying with weed somewhere else, just ruining a trip over like four vape pens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they give, well I can have, I'm allowed to have it in Pennsylvania on the medical card. And then I'm allowed to have it in Chicago because everyone can have it in Chicago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd be pissed. Yeah, they could land the plane. They would probably kind of be like, just, cause no one wants it. They're like, just don't. Especially Stortuses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of my, I do want to do that. I think that's on my bucket list. When I get older, I want to just ground one plane. Just light up a cigar and just sit there. I'm like, what the? See what happens? Dude, that's the limit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start, just jerk off. I gotta work on it. Just jizz offstage.


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[Assistant] Just be woke, just be, go over there and be woke as fuck. Just be woke as hell, dude.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's just, they fight each other and uh, Israel hit, they hit, you know, Israel has this like defense, like an iron shield. Yeah. So they get missiles. Yeah, the iron dome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, they get like, when they get missled, they don't get hit that bad, and then they'll counter-strike and just kill like, 20 kids. And be like, well, we told them to get out. They hit the fucking press building, that was like, woah. That's pretty nuts. Taking out a newspaper, like we told journalists to leave or we'd fire, like it's their job to not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole idea of being like, I'm this type of person and the little, it's like, you might have to all give it up, man. Might have to all give it up. All, every single one of us, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, they're getting fired up, man. It's a... It's a fucking nightmare, dude.


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[Assistant] They're just stomp, they stomp hard, dude.


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[Assistant] Packed to the gills. So they were at this, they're at the Megagog. Getting fired up.


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[Assistant] The CDC's not totally clear yet on indoor stuff. Were they all vaccinated? Does anyone know that?


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[Assistant] I'm really worried about Israel right now in Palestine. The fact that they're gathering like that without being properly vaccinated in close quarters. Were they all six feet apart at least?


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[Assistant] What? Dude, I knew it was bad over there, but I didn't know it was that bad.


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[Assistant] One little boy got crushed. One boy got crushed in the Megagog.


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[Assistant] Oh no, this is, this is the, uh, the boys are on the bleach. Okay, I didn't show the collapse in the line. Yeah, the bleachers went down, dude.


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[Assistant] It's just, it's just a group of people you can make fun of like any other group of people. But they were off the table for a while.


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[Assistant] They were off the table, cause it all depends on everything else. I made fun of the- I said the Italians were pigs. I said they eat like pigs. Then the Jews fell off the bleachers and it just, ehh. There's always something funny about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yeaah, this is general consensus stuff, they obviously do. Yeaah. It's like, you know, yeaah, I mean, the problem is, is when there's people who genuinely, like genuinely are like, I fucking hate grass-grooming people, and it's like, that stinks. But it ruins it for everybody else, it's trying to have


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[Assistant] They fly too close to the sun too soon. I have a couple of dudes on it. And it's so funny.


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[Assistant] Also just being like, cause you know when someone's doing stand up for the first time or so, they've been thinking about it for months. Oh. So they're like, oh my god, this is gonna change. I'm about to change the fucking game. I'm gonna go ahead.


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[Assistant] The way I'm doing it's just different, dude. Just better. And then they go, and everyone's like, woah, what the fuck. They never show up ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's very funny. It's funny watching dudes instantly implode. They're like, alright, here we go. Let's press it. Just press the button. Oh, nope, nope, nope. It doesn't feel good. I'm sorry. Yeah man, my fucking, my ex doctor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew I should have done that N-word shit. And he goes up, he goes, I got something. Goes up, rips, and literally people are going, the late Mike Brooks, RIP, he goes, dude, sit down, stop it. People are like, boo. People are like, we're booing him. And he was like, and then it's like, got off stage and stormed out, and then it fucking came back to bite him. He also got in some other trouble for some other shit.


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[Assistant] The guy hates us. It came to his attention that we were talking about it on our podcast.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, he had a little show. He was like, fuck those guys. Cause the person on the show asked him about it and he was like...


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[Assistant] It was him being like, I just don't lie anymore. And the one intern was like, did you say the N word in an open mic in Philadelphia? And he goes, what? No. Who the hell said that? If I did.


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[Assistant] I see what they're saying that would have been, I didn't say that. And you just watch this guy for 30 minutes.


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[Assistant] I was like, no, I wouldn't say that. She's just like, here's a clip. I was like, alright.


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[Assistant] Well, so funny, if you watch that, knowing the situation, the rest of the clip is the guy being like, sitting on a couch, stone to the bone, just being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, it is in like deep space nine, it's like what the fuck. I was genuinely like feeling like, ahh, watching it, being like, that must be the worst fucking feeling.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's that, there's alt white guys, there's like, uh, there's even some like,


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[Assistant] There's like, you know, you look at groups and be like, alright, you know, that guy's one of those guys and you see one of those dudes and you go, that guy's rolling solo.


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[Assistant] Come on, baby. Before the flood. That's from the book. Before the flood.


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[Assistant] So that's where, that's where my research started and it branched into some interesting territory.


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[Assistant] This'll be wild. It's gonna be two-parter, so I don't know if I'll be able to fit everything in one.


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[Assistant] It doesn't, it does not. That was so funny last week to have to do, to not be able to talk about it. It was fun.


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[Assistant] I'll probably, I'll probably be keeping all, he probably has your location pinged.


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[Assistant] Get his number and just share your location. Just so he knows where you're at at all times. Yeah. Like just check in on me. Keep a watch on me dude.


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[Assistant] In front of women. We had two girls.


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[Assistant] I picked him up and I played some T-Pain. Chill. That's what I played for him.


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[Assistant] I could have gotten another mic. They asked me how many mics we needed.


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[Assistant] I'm not sure why. Your ass is chapped. Something's wrong. Consider your ass fucking chapped, dude. I'll get there.


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[Assistant] Yes. Although I will say that gluten allergy, that might be what I'm mad at. You mad at my gluten allergy? The gluten allergy conversation that lasted four minutes.


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[Assistant] So we're already running late for the show, and then we're standing there.


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[Assistant] I don't care who it was, I hope he passes from it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and this was after, she's like, why don't you take a minute to look at the menu? And she walked away. She walked away. So we're standing there and we're both like, everybody's just like, I'll get a sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then on the way there, on the way to the battlefield, we stop at Dunkin Donuts, Sean, Sean gets a bagel. What? Cream cheese bagel. That's fine. I'm not, although yeah, I like that. I like that energy.


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[Assistant] Uh, and then I finished my sandwich and I said alright, let's go. Sean immediately crumbled up his bagel in a pure panic.


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[Assistant] I do like sausage egg and cheese. What did you have that day? I don't recall. I almost... I think bacon.


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[Assistant] I think I had a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant.


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[Assistant] I've never had indigestion like I do. If you get a breakfast sandwich from Duncan, it just ruins your day.


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[Assistant] The backseat tried to hide their lack of eating food at the last one.


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[Assistant] Before this, all credit to Sean. So they had an open mic and Sean gets on and does the open mic and there's a dude that's just...


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[Assistant] Clearly on cocaine. Like, clearly. He came and...


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[Assistant] And then I was like, you're on coke, right? He's like, no.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not. It was crazy. And then, so he goes, this guy sits at the bar like right in front of every comedian that's doing the open mic and he's just constantly yelling shit at everyone. And then Sean's up there like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about having a son or a kid or something. He asked the guy if he wants to have a kid and he's like, yeah, of course I want to have a kid. And he's like, what would you name your kid?


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[Assistant] I went to bed around 1.30. Yea, I probably went to bed around then. I left like right after you.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Black guys typically have half a hoagie on them at any given moment.


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[Assistant] Like you'll see if you pick up, cause a lot of people, you don't realize it, but if you're just walking down the street, you'll see a black cat drop a sandwich almost every day.