[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a, turn this fucking chat off. Somebody made me laugh in the chat just now. Oh, that wasn't me. Damn. They hose Bobby off in the driveway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucked up. Uhm, no, you were making me laugh at your house. You gotta get a bouncy house too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say that, but your studio's nice, and you didn't have to make that nice. You could've saved money, but you wanted something nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In-ground pools are fuckin' sick. They're awesome. I want one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we're not fighting. I just was asking about it because I think the dates on my website are all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what a big problem is right now with uh, my manager and I, not a big problem, but just what we're talking about is I've agreed to do all these shows and uh, none of them,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember any of them. I just got emails to do all these shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now like people DM me and be like, can't wait to see you in Pittsburgh this weekend. And I'm like, holy fuck, I'm in Pittsburgh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got to call my manager and be like, am I doing Pittsburgh? And they're like, no, we rescheduled that. And it's like, all right. It's been that with like six different shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I just got a call, I just got a call from this no caller ID thing and I answered it the other night. I answered it late and it was this, they said they were Russian. All right. And they were like, they wanted to interview me about comedy. So it wasn't like a telemarketing scam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody who knew who you were. Somebody who knew who I was, but they didn't say anything. They didn't like, it wasn't like a good prank call if it was a prank call. And then they just asked for my email. That was it. Did you get it? Like I gave him like a email. I don't use, but like didn't make any sense at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, pranking you would be funny. Cause you would spaz. You'd be like, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this was like, I was like, well, wait, how'd you get my phone number? And it was like, I use the Googles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, wait, you just Googled my phone number? I was like, yes, why do you ask this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, I've been like kinda paranoid about it, but it's also like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same exact thing in my hand. As soon as, uh, the SNL thing happened, like my phone number got out to every single news. Like everybody just called me. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just call people. My parents, cell phones were getting blown. Like everybody I knew got phone calls from like fucking CNN and shit. They can just call you. And what'd you say? You're like, hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I also don't get like, so today this, uh, you know that Kat Cohen lady?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well somebody, one of her fans tweeted, it was, it was a very funny tweet. This lady tweeted like while I was getting fired and uh, Mullen actually sent it to me, which is funny. Uh, he was like, look at this. And it was, somebody was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please SNL replace Shane Gillis with Kat Cohen. She's a genius. So funny. And then like the last couple of things, it was like, this is a correct, brilliant, genius opinion. So I just, you know, retweeted it and then everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, everybody who acts like I like begged for my job or acted like I didn't, like I thought I was a victim. I literally never once said I was a victim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, these people every single time they're like, sorry, you're not getting on SNL. Stop trying to be a victim for what you did. It's like, I never once said like, I literally did get on SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a night! Oh man, genuinely like one of the happiest nights of my life, but again, I think that had, I did, I do think that did have a lot to do with the Molly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I just sat on the couch. I didn't even like talk to the girls. I just sat on the couch with O'Connor like the rest of the night. We just sat there like looking at the lasers and the strippers would like come over to us. I'd be like, I'm so fucking high. And they'd be like, are you so high right now? They loved it. They were so happy that I was high strippers. They were hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it was great. It was, it was very nice. But uhm, yeaah, it'll be about a year and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yeah, it's also funny people occasionally just be like, fucking let it go, dude. It's like, all right, give me a minute. It's like, hasn't even been a year. Yeah, man. Give me a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it was, no, no, I mean, she probably was, without a doubt. They all were, I mean, that was, that was like the woke comics, like currency, is to put out a tweet like condemning racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. I'm not saying like my white guilt. I did say guilt. I just meant, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. There's just, there's like, gay issues that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh come on dude, ease up. I care about, you know, I really care about the uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll turn it around, yeaah. Nah, fuck em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever watch, uh, Willy Wonka, the tunnel scene is the classic like traumatizing scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when I was a kid I watched, I've talked about, uh, I watched, uhm, Watership Down. You ever hear of this? No. It's like a cartoon about these fucking rabbits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a book, but it's British, and for some reason every, like, British...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like fairy tale or story like that is always like a ton of like death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably because it was like right after World War II and they just got bombed forever, but... Watership Down's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a story about these rabbits that any one of them has like a vision of their shit, like all their tunnels getting suffocated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because he has like a premonition cause they're actually, their den is on like a construction site. So a couple of them escape the den and go try to find a new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all the other ones that stay there get suffocated and they show it. They show like the panic in the den.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of them like trying to dig and bite and shit and there's blood, there's blood in the, they get in fights with other rabbits when they leave. There's a cat that fucking kills them. One of them gets hit on a snare, like a trap and like is like twitching and dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, uh, I saw Kujo. I was at my aunt's house and she, she let me watch Kujo when I was probably around seven years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, our car broke down on the way home from a Christmas party. My aunt was in our van. I remember it. I was in the trunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cujo. Yea, you ever hear of Cujo? Then I said, hujo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is really amazing, truthfully, the way that you turned out. Like, uh, you should have killed somebody by now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did do that, a little bit of that. I just got into this. I just got into Native American history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would just bite people's fingers off a lot. Like if they captured you, if they captured you, you'd be walking. You guys would be on a march and somebody would just be like, all right, it's time. Just grab you, bite your finger off, keep it moving. They did that a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's, that was actually the Indians by you. You were, you were right by, uh, where a lot of these tribes were, which is pretty exciting. You had some Mohawk up there. You had some good stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them, dude. Indians did rule. I, I, it was funny cause I read- They were savages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Well, here's the thing, here's the thing. There was, it was a lot of, uh, you know, it was imperial greed. It was England and France being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get them the fuck off that land and go fucking steal all the resources there. And you know, it'd be like a tribe of like a hundred people being like, no, this is our mountain range.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the British people were like, yeah, no, no. They're like, how? I'll show you how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, no, it was, truthfully, that was, uh, that was on the white man, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, it did eventually become like atrocity versus atrocity. Like, you know, if Indians, if Indians took you prisoner, you were getting fucking tortured to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so it was back and forth and then the Indians would come into a town and kill people and then the white people would go kill a town. So you know, that's how humans work typically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is earlier. You know what, I was a little bit off. No, no, there was Indians, Indians in 1813 were still getting wacky. No, that was a cow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yes, slightly. Like 1813 is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're looking at 1813, well that was a war between us and England, the war of 1812, but you're looking at, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Revenant, like around that time, that was about that time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you got a while. Oh, it's funny. This is making me laugh. I made a girl watch it like two days ago. And if you ever want to, it might be the most hated movie a girl can watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The revenant, cause first off, there's no dialogue, which means...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls have to figure out what's going on in it. You know how girls like movies and shows where the character, even if he's by himself, is explaining exactly what he's doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, yeah, verbal inner monologue constantly. Like, ah, I don't like that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they can follow along. They can follow along with that, but the revenants mostly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Quiet, I mean that's why they hate the movie There Will Be Blood. They hate the movie No Country For Old Men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've never, uh, and again, this was a cartoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, The Revenant, can we even do watch-alongs like that? I mean, how does Zack get away with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, sorry, sorry, sorry. This is again, this is circle of trust in this chat. Everybody in here better fucking not tell anyone fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to the first ever Shane Gillish show everyone. This is not that. This is, if it is, this is the last one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you just had the Shane Gillis show. That'd be funny. You could have the rights to that. I will give you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I just watched? What I just made my, you ever watch In Bruges?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, you'd like it. Well, I don't think you would. Embrooge fucking rules. I think it's top 10 for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just named you four of the, four of like my favorite movies ever and you've never seen one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could watch music videos together like Beavis and Butthead, that is a good idea. Right. Because you would hate the music I like. What music do you like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well mostly rap, but I definitely can listen. I definitely like some gay music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally only listen to rap. There is, there is other stuff in there. There's some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some gayness creeps in from my past when I was a young, young man that was, uh, still had hope, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't care. I think it'll be funny. You can, you should call it The Shane Gillis Show every time you literally just do horrific shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like anytime you do a real ass podcast where you're like, alright, today we're going to fake rape a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what, what are you doing? And I was like, nothing. And they were like, you said that, uh, all your agents were dumb Jews and you called a bunch of people gay. And I was like, that wasn't me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, well, here's the thing, and it's very funny because the same agents, so the agents


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] UTA hired me and they, they were fans of the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My agent loved Matt and Shane's and they listened to it and they were like, I remember I had a meeting before SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, probably like a month before SNL and they were like, you should, you should delete the podcast. And I was like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I can't, like I can't, Matt's about to have a kid, I'm not just gonna bail on the podcast. And they were like, well you really need to. And I was like, uh, maybe we can just delete like, most of the old episodes, we just moved studios. And then, uh, they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you just, you can't say like, you can't say like gay and retard or faggot anymore. And I was like, well, that's, that's just not gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that's what it is and I never, I literally never disagreed with that. I was always like, uh, I mean I wasn't gonna lean in if I could just like, get shit. I'm not gonna, I didn't change


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My cat, my cat, my cat just ran down here and just took a shit on the carpet right in front of me. It literally sprinted down here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That culprit, he just ran down and dumped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, no, you're exactly right. I, 100%, I was like, uh, that's fucking crazy. He just took a shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just one tiny turd. Uh, yeaah, it was one of those gigs, like I, you could still, if, if nothing, if I'd never got SNL, I'd still be, like, I'd be fine with all the shit I've ever said. Nobody's gonna go through your past if you get a special. Ever. It's never happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but does anybody even get sitcoms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. Sitcoms are fucking horrendous. This is it. Yeah, yeah, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Only, I'm on OnlyFans. The cats are taking shits back in my parents basement. We did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, I, I do have to ask, OnlyFans, OnlyFans, uh, what, like, are you talking OnlyFans? Like, is this on OnlyFans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where girls strip? Yes. Why is it on OnlyFans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeah. I like it. I like you. All right. Yeah, I'll do this again. This will be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh, hi, yeah, it's Tonali Deslam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch, but then they want me to do something about it so I don't, the other time they stole a van on my watch. So maybe that's why they let me on the extended vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the place I work was crazy as hell. You get some Trump hat supporters in there buying Bibles, but then they'll have a wild email like hopfuck69 at gmail.com. I'm like, enjoy your Bibles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so negative, like I went in a circle to all my co-workers, I was like, please, somebody say something positive. My co-workers said, hey, my pussy tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, you would think I'd go down a rant like, that's toxic masculinity, how dare you use the vagina in such a way. Actually, my first thought in question was, is that the sound that it makes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying I've had one for about 30 years now, I've heard like a plop plop plop, maybe like a squish squish squish, maybe like a pfft from a queef, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we met at a club called Punchline, uh, it was ran by, uh, Melanie Hearn, she's done you, uh, Kill Tony main room and uh, belly room, I don't know, all the rooms. Sure. But uhm, yeaah, and Heather J, they are, uh, two, uh, they're like, junior, senior class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, more like she-hawk fight, you know, cause like, cause I got the babes in my neck, I'm just eeeeh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't made it to a gay club here. Last time I went to a gay club in LA, I got my friend laid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I watched the BBC version, the elementary version, the, the, uh, what's the guy who played blackface in, uh, Tropic Thunder. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was eight years old, uh, my mom's fiance took me and his son to go ride horses at his, uh, friend's ranch. And the first thing my mom's fiance's son did when we got on the horses was slap my horse on the ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my horse takes off running, right? And pretty, it becomes pretty clear soon that the straps that hold the saddle on are loose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So slowly but surely I start to spin underneath the horse as it is running. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that wasn't bad enough, and if I wasn't scared enough, all of a sudden I started to feel something poking me in the back of the head like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if, uh, if you're not fa- if you don't- I dunno. You can pretty much tell what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, the friction of an eight-year-old boy rubbing underneath a horse made him feel something, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uhm, any time anybody says gamey, I remember the smell. Of horse cum. Yea. Wow. And I figured, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He worked for, he worked at Santa Anita and he knew this guy that actually rescued racehorses, like the ones that didn't win. Oh, it was a rescue horse. Yeah, so, I kinda, I kinda like to think that somebody else got fucked by that horse more than I did because, by putting money on him. Wow. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was engaged to this guy that worked at Santa Anita. Face the audience, face the audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I feel bad because you and me had a good thing going and I kinda held back on the fourth bird story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I gotta set a few ground rules before I tell this story. Okay, me too. Don't hit yourself in the head with a microphone. Okay, uhm, two things you should know, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On and off, uh, I lived with my grandmother. Me and my mom lived with my grandmother as a child. You know, throughout my childhood. Also, my mom dated four guys from three different criminal organizations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I can't be too specific about everything that happened, but things got pretty fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically what happened was my mom was seeing this one guy and he was kinda like, I don't know how to explain him, he was like the money guy for his organization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was, so she was with this guy and he had a lot of, yeaah, he was like the money guy for his organization. We heard this part JP, come on! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Anyways, so after a while she's like, no I want to be your, your wife for real, but he had a wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that wasn't gonna happen, so she started dating this other dude that sold weed out of a food truck. Oh shit, sounds like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's seeing this guy, and uhm, apparently the first thing people with drug money do is buy a shitload of parrots. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but this is, this is what happened. So my mom wanted to go out with this guy one night and leave me at his house. And I said, don't, you're not leaving me here with the birds. I'm six, okay? So, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy thought I'd get over my fear of birds if he taught all the parrots my name. So the whole night...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was pretty much that. So, after a while...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he just picks me up from school, he takes me out for ice cream, buys me a toy, and he starts asking me if my mom has any new friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Keep in mind, I'm six. I don't know what the fuck is going on. So of course I say, there's this dude, let's call him Mike, I don't like him, he has too many fucking birds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So it takes about a week for his guys to track Mike down. And they beat him into a coma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, he was in a coma for like a week. They thought he was gonna die. It was, it was really bad. Right. So I felt, and my mom got in my face about it. It's like, it's all my fault. I'm a fucking rat. Right. How dare you tell people my fucking business. Let me ask. Mom called you a rat. Yeah. It's not the worst thing she's ever said. Six-year-old. Honestly. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She goes back to him for a while. Uhm, the guy finally gets out of the hospital. Uhm, but being a single drug dealer, uh, nobody fed his parrots. So, yeaah. Wait, the guy in the coma?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes on. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, so she goes back to him for a couple months and uhm, I wake up one morning, cause I hear banging on the walls in my grandma's house, and I wake up and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm like, what the hell's going on? So I walk over to my mom's room, and not only is she not there,


[User] Please transcribe this text


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uhm, so I'm still here in Bain, moving about the house, someone's walking around the house just banging on the walls, just going nuts. Right. And I'm terrified, and all of a sudden I hear the phone ring in the kitchen, and I- That's not even a bird!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, somebody's trying to get in the house cause it's her and she's like, I know, it's George. I don't want to ever see him again. Tell him his shit's at the front door, he can fuck off. Click. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's good. Yeah, as y'all can tell, this is my real voice. I'm not faking this shit, I know. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this, you know, having this high pitched ass voice, it really sucks having this high pitched ass voice sometimes, you know, cause I can't even go to drive-thrus anymore now. Like, I can't even, well, I never can go to drive-thrus anymore, you know? Like, every time I order something they be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want anything else, ma'am? I'm fuckin' up. Alright? I'ma be real with y'all. I'ma fuckin' up. Let me try this again. Alright, so... Slow down? Slow down? Okay. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I wasn't ready for this, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, as y'all can tell y'all, I love music. I love music a lot. I really love music, and uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I beatbox a little bit. Okay, show us some beatboxing, here we go. Alright, uhm, I guess I can like beatbox random people's names and shit, that's pretty cool. Sure, yeaah, do anything. Miss, what's your name right here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you get the ladies, I guess. That's how you get the ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because if they, you know, if you can beat box, you can eat box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was, uh, I was born in Colorado Springs, but I was raised in Dallas. Dallas, Texas, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was cool. I was in, I was, I was in the suburbs though, so. Uh huh. You know, a lot of white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know anything about crystals. I just like the way they shimmer in the light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what James? You know what? Cut it. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. I apologize. I apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy, I'm sorry. You know what? You're right. I am a butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is true. James, do me a favor. Talk into your microphone. What about jerk face?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, uh, I'm a dumb, dumb doodoo head because I, that's, you don't like that song. You've never asked me to play baby shark. He looked, he looked over it. He was like, ah,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. So I was gonna say, why didn't I let you pick a cool song that we can come into? And we can do the intro to a really cool song that you pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, in the microphone, don't end it in my ear, you psycho. By Run DMC. What's Up Danger? That's a hot song. Alright dude, What's Up Danger from the Spider-Man soundtrack. Thank you very much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does sound like a cat. You know Justin though, Justin's the guy you box with. Is that what we're calling it? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not mocking me in my own show. You're busting my balls, doggy? Okay, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please, talk into your frickin' microphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have earphones on so you can hear when you turn your face into those away and then you talk when it's nice and clear. Why are you mocking me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, look, we do have a great show planned today. My son, I brought my son, uh, with me to the studio today. I'm going out of town again tomorrow. I'm out of town for another fucking nine days. So getting these pre-tips done, uh, this is Wednesday's show. Thank you for joining the Real Ass Podcast. Uh, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my sister is... Let's see, I don't know if I even take pictures of her either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, I mean, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I used to be self-conscious about my stand-up, but come and fucking see me do an hour, I promise you right now, you're going to more


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, thank you guys, but uh, also check out the other podcasts, obviously here on The Guest, there's a little network, we have so many amazing shows, 20 shows on the network, if you want to get every episode of everything we've ever done,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Red Dead? Explicitly not for little kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, look how muscly this guy has. Whoa. Doggie, I'm telling you, I got a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. It's a big possibility. He might lay you the fuck out too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! It's a whole tub of fun life! For the Stone Cold Steve Austin!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane Gillis is back everybody!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for you. Cody got a full size joke book. Cody got one of the big joke books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt Muehling on guitar. Michael Gonzalez on drums. And on the bass guitar. Let him hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up guys? I'm Colum Tyrrell, this is the Wizard of Pod, welcome along. We got a special guest this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The young, the funny, the charming, the beautiful Matthew McCusker from, you guys should know, from Matt and Jane's secret podcast. So make sure you go over and check that out if you haven't already. Be very surprising if you haven't. It's one of the biggest comedy podcasts in fucking America right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Matthew also has a, I should just call him Math, I don't know why I'm calling him Matthew. Math also has a book out, I'm gonna have a link to that in the description, so if you're interested, go buy that book. Yea, go support a guy who's on the way up in this industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedy podcast on Everton. On this episode, I invited him on from previous conversations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I found out that he has an interest in like Irish folklore and things like that. So I figured bring him on. I brought up some stuff about my country. We talked a little bit about what's going on in the world. We also just fucking talked about whatever came into our minds. It was all, it was good. We had a good conversation. It was fun. I hope you guys enjoyed it. And please,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, like, share and subscribe. Do all that stuff. We're trying to get this YouTube channel. If you're watching on the YouTube channel, make sure you hit subscribe. If you're listening right now, come over to the YouTube channel and you'll see the full video of this episode. So that's a nice little treat, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if you're also on iTunes, please give us five stars. It doesn't really mean much to me. Uhm, I guess I don't even know why I asked you. I don't really care actually about that. So forget about that. If you're watching the video, please subscribe to the YouTube channel. And the first half of this episode will be for free, for everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The second half of this episode is gonna go up on Patreon. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanna hear the rest of it, head over to Patreon. The link is in the bio. It starts at a dollar a month. So that's only 25 cents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get, ehm, an extra episode a week. There's gonna be a bunch of content. So please, eh, head over there. It's growing all the time. And if you're into Matt McCusker, what we have done on the Patreon as a goal is, my good friend, Shane Gillis is gonna come over. He's gonna do an episode. When we hit 250 subscribers, it'll be a Patreon exclusive episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're at 2-something at the moment. Consider heading over there. The sooner we get that done, the better that episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've both, I think, we've both done each other's stuff, yea. We're a nice little brotherhood growing here. Hell yea, fuck yea man. Between the boys, who all wear tracksuits. That's our common denominator. How you doing? You feeling good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when, when the ex-wife is coming into your, disturbing your dreams or something, something going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great, ehm, I've been caught up in all this. AMS, ehm, not the AMC, the GameStop stuff. And the stock market, have you been listening to all this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also pretty much, uhm, I don't know if you know the stock market, and I don't, I barely know anything about it, but there's been hedge funds who've been shorting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Investment tactics, they've pretty much forced the stock to go down over the last five years and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of people on Reddit realized this and they said if we all just buy GameStop and refuse to sell it, they'll be forced to pay us huge money because they have to repay the short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that makes sense. So pretty much an entire hedge fund has just been put out of business over the last two days just because a bunch of guys on Reddit have just absolutely crippled an industry here. So everyone's going nuts. Everyone's going crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The price will go down. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like it just, uh, it's all about confidence and weird shit and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been, they've been making millions off this for years and years and years. Billions off it for years. So now suddenly it feels like, like a real, the people have got together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a thing called Wall Street Bets, where it's just this community of idiots and they call each other the retards. Like that's what they call each other. That's how the, the retards that are taking down Wall Street and now everyone's after them now. They don't want it. They think it's like illegal somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you're saying have that collectively, collectively across the states or, or just state to state or what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is true. They did, they did grow into this celebrity life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also you got, you got a sizeable fan base now where you might be able to convince a few people to say, just create your own little political party or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like it would be nice for them to just be like, yeah, I'm the president. I don't really have time to just like hang out. You know, it's my first day and they just have a day off straight away. And I'm like, is it really that important of a job? It's your first day. They're like, I can't do anything. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've, we've met in passing kind of at Skankfest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I moved here from Ireland about five years ago. Nice. And I live in Astoria in New York with my girl. And you know, I'm just trying to grow my podcasting so that I can just, I don't drive a truck anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, just a moving company. Well, just a private moving company type of thing. Nice. And me and a few comics sort of get together and we just find our own work and do our own hours and things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All that type of place, it's like great to visit. Born to live in, it's great to visit. You know, Dublin is like almost the opposite, I think. Shit to visit, because it's just like any other city, but it's like great to live in, you know? Really? Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a party, party town. I didn't know it was such a party town until I moved. I just assumed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People went drinking seven nights a week. Yeah. Growing up in Dublin, every bar and every, at least before 2008, before the crash, every bar and every club would just be packed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non-stop. Every night of the week. And then, I went to visit other places and I was like, it's Wednesday night and no one's out. Booze em. I'm just like, well where is everybody? I had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I wanted to invite you on to talk a little bit about, um, kinda Irish folklore and mythology and some other sort of bits and bobs that I can't really fit into a bracket. So maybe I'll just shoot through some of that shit. You kinda have some, I think you have some sort of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, knowledge on this stuff through college maybe. Am I wrong or am I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You actually, when I text you about this, you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] text me back going, Oh yeah, I got a read up on my Ulster cycle. And I was like, ah, of course. And I was like, what the fuck is the Ulster cycle? Immediately Googling things. God, I don't know what that is, but I mean, but this is when we're taught this in school, we're taught it at like a young age. I don't know where like primary school, which would be like early. Um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, Kukulun. Kukulun, yeah, my bad. That's fine. Even, I'm not gonna say a lot of the names wrong because they're spelt weird and stuff like that. But yeah, Kukulun is a big one. And a few of the other people I wanted to talk about today. So, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One thing I just, I thought I'd bring up straight away was the idea of an Irish fairy ring and also an Irish fairy fort. Have you ever heard of these? Pretty much. So I have some notes here. Let's, let's hope I can read everything I wrote up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disobedient thing for children because back in the day in Ireland, in the early 1900s, if you were just like a bold...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was wild. Right now Ireland's going through this thing. Right now we all, they had this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another version for women that became pregnant out of wedlock. They would also go into these homes and it was like very hush hush. Big homes, like right beside my house is this giant building. It's like a, it's a huge big mansion. It looked like the White House and it's a secondary, it's a school now, a high school now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's where they send all the boys. And a lot of dead bodies were dug up when they were like renovating the areas, turning them into homes. People would just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Yeah, Ireland's fucking nuts, but so doesn't all- the opposite of that was the women were sent to these homes and all the kids were either-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bastard children were I'd, uh, sent to America and adopted, like illegally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The priest, the church would just take them off. Well, they were just, they were killing the kids. So recently there was a, like a pit where 900 dead babies were found in Galway. And then everyone was like, what the fuck was that? And they opened up the books. It turns out they were just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, leave him in the sun and if he grows, he grows. Jesus, man. That's fucking crazy. And now the island's nuts, man. Ireland's the maddest stuff. I don't know what- I didn't really grow up religious though, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think something happened, you know, that's the only explanation is I think something happened to my grandfather and maybe someone in his family because they were anti-religion, you know? Really? So I'd say someone dropped the paw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Ireland's nuts though, but we grew up like that, up until the 90s, it was kinda just like, oh yeah, he's a pedo, don't go near him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad won't tell me what happened, because it's like he's still from that generation of like, ah, no, don't, I won't, I won't, I don't bring it up. I was like, I was in his house loads of times as a boy, as a little boy, he brought me into his house loads of times. And now he turns out he's a pedo and my dad never even asked me, never even asked me did he ever touch me or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just sat around watching TV I think, and there was another kid I feel like in my memory, the other boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember you were, uh, yeaah, alone in that room with the pedophile, turns out. I don't know, but I think he might have only been, uh, he might have only touched women. He might have only touched little girls. I think that's potentially what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, just hanging out, going, he's like, what girls do you like? And I'm like, oh, I like Siobhan. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I see that. He's like, yeah. Oh, man, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the 90s yeaah, they cracked down on it big time. Because it was, you weren't allowed to talk about it. It was like a real hush hush. The church would, like, you weren't allowed to badmouth the church. So the church controlled the state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, you were never allowed bad mouth to church. So if you were to come around and go like, hey, listen, that priest raped me. People would be like, oh, shut up. That's not true. So then, but in the nineties then everyone was just like, yo, fuck this. Can we, can we stop doing this now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and yeah, and that was like Dublin and the cities, which are more progressive, were able to get away from it. But even in the country, there's weird shit like suicide is a shameful thing in the Catholic religion. So if people are, if people kill themselves, the guards, the police would write down that they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a nuts thing. Because my mother side, they were crazy religious. They were all like nuns and stuff. And then my grandad, he went to church every single day. Twice on a Sunday, he'd go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they do it in two languages, they do it in Irish and then they do it in English and they'd go to both of them. Just because he was like, just, I dunno, just killing time until he died I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here goes the daily mask. Yeaah, she loves it. She does it now? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was nice. So, a lot of this old stuff, especially the folklore, like you said with the, the man who put you in the bag, it still hangs over you, even though a lot of, we'll say you don't believe in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of Irish people still kind of believe in it. Now the, the fairy rings, ehm, are much more believed in the country. And I'll tell you what, we believe in Dublin too. Cause there's just a lot of that stuff gets passed down. Cause we're, I don't know, we're a silly people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So according to folklore, a fairy ring appears when a fairy, a pixie or an elf appears. The circular pattern of mushrooms looks like a place where the fairy dances in a ring holding hands. An Irish legend recorded by Jane Wilde.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a local fairy doctor was called to break the curse. The farmer says that he dreamed that he must destroy the barn. And so that was, that's like the story that it's like, if you destroy the fairy ring, which is just like a circle of mushrooms, I guess, and you get bad luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a lot of these are actually magic mushrooms, and people were like eating them, and they were getting fucked up. So then they were like, there was a spell cast on me by a pixie. These guys drippin balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you were just walking around normal, had a couple of mushrooms that you usually have, and then one day you just get fucking fried. No, don't go near that. But, eh, up until modern times, moonshine distillers traditionally discard the first 50 milliliters of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is like, yeaah. But I know people from, we didn't really grow up with these because, you know, in the city you don't have mushrooms like that. But I do know people from the country that would still to this day, if they're walking in the street and they, if they're walking through a field and they see a ring of mushrooms, they won't walk through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they'll go, I don't believe in it, but I'm also not. I'm not tempting it. I'm not, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a thing in Ireland, you're not supposed to walk under like, uh, signposts. You know, signposts that have like, sometimes they're held up and they've got two like, legs. So if you're walking down the street, you'll see a lot of people, oh shit, they'll, they'll scurry around. I don't know why, I still kind of do it, I don't believe in it, but for some reason when I'm there, I'm like, uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was not the time, that was not the time to find out, I'm wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And everyone's like, what about the fairies? And they're like, shut up. Yeah, don't talk about those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an alternative one, and this is cause it's still modern today, the Fairy Fort, which was like a man-made ring, big ring in the field, and they put a couple of planks down. I don't know why, no one knows why they did it. But apparently if you get rid of those, it's bad luck too. And just recently there was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Famous Irish businessman called Sean Quinn and he went bankrupt in 2011 and everyone says it's because he demolished one of these rings still to this day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what the, cause he, it was like he, he was building a hotel or something and he had to like, demolish this field. And everyone was like, you can't do that. You can't do that. Oh no, you're fucked Sean. And he went. That's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So uhm, any thoughts on fairies or elves and all this type of shit? This is old, that's old old school. Yeah. That's almost Kel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's stilted. It's just one of those things. It's no one will admit they believe in it, but when push comes to shove, you're like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it wasn't, it's like the panchay's, you know? Man, do you ever have a panchay? Yeah. Panchay, I don't have it prepped there, but like, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A white witch, my knowledge, that would scream in the middle of the night. I don't know what they did, but I know they were up to no good. But when growing up, if you heard screaming, it could be just some guy around the corner, just some guy, or a cat giving birth. You'd be like, that's a banshee, yep. That's a witch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So would you say your family's from Cork, which is your mother's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a Catholic thing and I don't know if it's everywhere, but we grew up with a thing called the prayer to Saint Anthony. Have you ever heard of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So yeah, as far as I know, it was like, if you, in Dublin, if you ever lost something, your mother would straight away go, well, have you said a prayer to St. Anthony and you go, Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, for people that don't know, the priest St. Anthony was pretty much just a saint and he once had a book of Psalms that, you know, a book of Psalms stolen from him and he prayed and then it was returned to him. He was from the town of Bologna in France.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if France or Italy, I'm guessing that's Italy. Probably, yeah. And the prayer that you're supposed to say is, Tony, Tony, look around, something's lost and must be found. I don't know if I ever heard that, though. My parents would just say a prayer, and I'd be like, okay. And you'd just be like, yo, Anto. Yo, where is this, watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's wild that this was a real guy and then just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, exactly. So that still goes down today. I wasn't sure if that was just an Irish thing or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if I'll pass these on. Would you pass these things on to your, ehm, kids possibly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. We, we hide your, you try to hide your true emotions. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is funny. I don't know if I've ever realized until right this moment, but that is pretty much how my parents would act. They shout at you, but they're acting like as if they're not. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty funny. Yeah, there is a wild, so people, I know in American Irish, there is a thing where they get very, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's a lot of anger and stuff in the families here. And, you know, people always talk about like an Irish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get together. And people are fighting and things like that. In my experience on Ireland, it seems to be, it's almost like you wouldn't, you wouldn't, you'd never admit that you're angry. You know, it's not like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I guess life was probably just so shitty for these cons back in the day. It was like, shut up, would ya? Complaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, yeah, it, yeah, sometimes I wish I was, eh, maybe not as emotionally stunted, like, you know, like sometimes I see people and it seems like they're healthier when they're just, you know, things bother them and they just say it. Unless it's like, I'm just like, it's nuts to me when I'm hearing from them, it's like, shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's definitely, it's definitely healthier to not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, maybe you just, maybe once you grow into a pattern of that, everything affects you so much that you end up becoming, you're more horny, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause then what happens is then one night you end up just putting your fucking fist through a drywall. Classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just stained my fucking walls and I was like fuck. Oh no, the clean up on that is a fucking nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, phones, anywhere around 2000, maybe 2014, phones got to a point where it was like, I can't afford to. Yeah. Back in the day, when Nokia, 32 town, yea, you could smash a couple of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, but then listen, you know, all these companies just decided like, why would we keep making things that don't break?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] iPhone? Do you have a good, I've got like an Otterbox on mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it, that's the shit man. That's it, that's the one right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the worst thing about Apple was that they, someone sued them in France or something. Did you see that? It was like, it was proven that the updates on the phone were designed to slow down older phones. So when every time the phone updates, your older phone was getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeaah, but then that was like it. But they was like, they've made billions on this. Exactly. It's like yeaah, I'll do that every day I could pay that. Oh yeaah. And I think once you sue someone once, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone else can sue them, I don't know what way the rules work, but everyone can sue you for the same thing, somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in Fight Club, wasn't that kind of a similar thing? In Fight Club where they said eh, rather than, if they sell a car, and they have to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a fault in the car rather than the cost of bringing all the cars back in. They just let people die and then they'll pay off a thing. I'm sure that happens all the time and none of us know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, that's kind of what's going on with COVID now too, right? It's like, they're stopping everything, but this only causes like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have enough room in the hospitals, right? They kinda don't, it's not, I don't think they, people really care if people live or not. It's just like, it's just a burden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. The food pyramid is a funny one, where there's so much shit though, dude, that they just tell you, and you kinda go, you know I'm not gonna research this. They just tell you stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just like, listen, the good foundation of any diet is just bread. It's just tons of bread. All the carbs, yea, just spaghetti. It was, it was bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that's, that's crazy. They always had that like cartoon of like a chocolate bar, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure there was probably some lobbying going on between Hershey's and it was like, you get a fucking chocolate bar on that fucking board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to just have advertisements for milk. No, no particular brand just said like milk really good for you, your bones. There used to be a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And for kids it was like them bones, them bones need calcium. Did you never hear that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in Ireland, in Ireland, we had this commercial and it was just a generic milk brought to you by the farmers association. And the song was those bones, those bones need calcium, those bones, those bones need calcium. So we were all just like, yeah, man, I'm going to grow up big and strong and drink milk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, we thought we were getting pumped. We were fucking just getting jacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck a diarrhea and shit. Everyone's shit no longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, America has huge extremes of like the healthiest people, and then just on the other side of that, it's just a huge fat fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too bad, it's getting worse. Everywhere else is getting worse around the world as they change things, but it's not, it's not like America is just the fucking gold standards of Black Box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no such thing as, like, a mobility scooter or anything like that in art.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. That's the worst thing I think, I've, I've told by like a doctor, that's like the worst thing you can do. Once you give someone like a scooter, they're fucked. Cause at least before they were wobbling around the place. Now that you're here, they're just, that's it, there go my legs. That's a sad, that's a, it's almost a mental illness, isn't it? Where you just go, alright, I don't need my legs, fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine looking at other people just walking around and you're just going, nah way, no way. That's not for me. That's just not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're addicted to sugar? There wasn't a thing, cause we grew up kinda poor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now it's just like, McDonald's is just a passing thing. That's the way I feel. Maybe, I don't know if that was always like that in America also, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like people just have that all the time for lunch and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's crazy, man. I've worked at McDonald's and I didn't even eat it every day. Really? Yeah. It was like my first real job. And it was just, you'd be in there, you were stinkin' of grease and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look at mine all the time, all the time, and I know it's, I'm heavily addicted to it, and it's just something I gotta fucking break the curse. I gotta just throw it, throw it away like the ring, Lord of the Rings, just fucking throw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you were back, if you were back in the construction side, I think it's a lot easier. Although I had jobs where you had to have a, like bartending where they, you know, you had to have a smartphone in order to use like an app for your schedule and shit like that. So it's like harder and harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, sometimes I'll delete the apps, and then what will happen is, I end up looking for the apps, not even, just subconsciously, I open my phone and I can see myself, like, my fingers are just looking for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram. Even though it's not on the app anymore. And then I go, what am I doing? I'm just flicking. I'm opening weird fucking apps and shit. Dude, exactly, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It works really well, ehm, for people that don't know, there's a setting in your iPhone, you can have it so that it's just black and white. And if you try to go on Instagram, Instagram is the most disgusting thing in the world, if it's all in black and white, you're just like, ah, get this away from me. The only issue is, it's so easy to change them back, that then it's just, you change it back once because you might be using Google Maps when you're driving, and then you just never change it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's do it. Let's check back in in a month or two. For sure. We'll hold each other accountable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's the end of the first half of this episode. The second half of it will be up on Patreon. So there will be a link in the description. Patreon forward slash column material. Head over there. We talk more Irish folklore. We talk a little bit about, ehm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Festivals and some other things like that. So I think you'll enjoy it. If you're enjoying it so far, you'll enjoy the rest of it head over. It's only a dollar a month, 25 cents a week. So, if not, enjoy the rest of your week. Whenever I release this, I don't know when I'm gonna release this. But, uhm, thanks so much for listening. Take it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, shush. That's Tony's joke. So, uh, I'm a dad, uhm, which I'm not sure I need to say that anymore. I feel like the love handles and the man tits are kinda giving that away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have two beautiful daughters, uhm, they're too pretty, honestly. Not like I wanna fuck them, that's not what I'm trying to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just makes me a little suspicious of their mother. You know, like who's really the father of those kids? Cause at best I'm a six. Or Galveston nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think the hair you can see is luscious? Oh, this trend continues. It flows down my back, cascades over my ass like I'm a Shetland pony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, her family is cooler. My wife's family is from the deep south, so that's more the concern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dear listeners of Can't Get Right, you know you can find the latest 15 episodes of this podcast on iTunes, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else that you find podcasts, but did you know that you can find the entire archive of episodes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On demand only at gasdigitalnetwork.com. That's right, over 400 hours of Can't Get Right plus access to all the other podcasts available at Gas Digital. Some of them much better podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just pause this podcast right now and go to subscribe at gasdigitalnetwork.com and use promo code Kurt, K-U-R-T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And get a buck fifty off membership plus a fourteen day trial. Plus as a member you get access to the episodes a few days before they go out on iTunes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, this is Can't Get Right, with me, Kurt Badsker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, two very special, very precious guests. Uh, one Shane Gillis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, sweet chili McGillie as we call him in the comedy industry. America Sweetheart. And my buddy Az from the UK who has a channel I enjoy called Heel vs Babyface on YouTube. Check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I do, uh, what is, tomorrow is what, Friday night tights? There's a- Yeaah, Friday night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes I go on this Friday night tights livestream they do, which is a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Am I wrong that like actual people that make shit are like mad at you guys? Like they get like irritated and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe Gary from Neurotic said like, they follow this shit, they like watch this shit and they get like, which blew my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, now, it's such a fucking battlefield now to, uh, just make anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just, just to get the creative process of like, you know, vetting everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I just got the news, this is why I asked as cause uh, do you watch the uh, Mandelabra on uh, Disney plus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, who's the guy that was, that was crying about it and then they made fun of him from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, there must be a reason they didn't do it well, cause you can do it a lot. I mean, you can go look up celebrity porn, where they fucking deepfake their heads on it. Like, you can go look up AOC porn right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe get those porno people to help you with the CGI, but it was the thought that counts. It was a good, a nice thought. And, uh, you know, just fired, uh, what's her name? Gina Carano, right? Yeah, you know about this shade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, let's look at this clip of Luxie Jai just to catch Shane up on how terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was an awesome scene, except for when you see Luke, you're like, did the whole budget go for the robot fight effects?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rob Denney Jr. But I, like, I've seen tremendous, you know the guys from South Park have a thing called Sassy Justice on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's called the Dialysis King of Colorado. And he's selling discount dialysis. And it's not actual marks up, it's just, they put the face on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, Hey, I'm the king of dialysis. And it looks dead on. I mean, he already looked like CGI kind of, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a dumb YouTube video. This is like a jillion dollar, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna call you Arizona so bad because it says AZ. This is Shane in Arizona from Hillary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so do you know who she is dude? She's a MMA fighter. She's the one that was in trouble for not putting her pronouns in her fucking Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Irish, uh, I don't wanna derail this, I wanna let Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steer us to this. Now, explain this to me, Shane. What is this? Just like a ladder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's big of you, that's decent of you to say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not one of these, uh, mignons people from Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So women of college sports, I'm sorry, uh, where are the women with penises? That's my question. First off the bat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] College sports type of a gal. You really do have a, uh, assisting football coach face. Pretty hardcore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well, just why do they put this up? Is it like, is this like a jack-off thing or is this like? I think it's two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joey Rose's sandwiches. And so we came up with Dan Soder, uh, for uh, Soder to, to be uh, Donald Soups. And he's like the bad boy. And we were coming up with an ad and we had uhm, there's that, uh, trans, outstanding trans athlete of the year. This video's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and see, my question is, how good


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When CC was, uh, Cecil or whatever. How good of a racer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And fine, that's what the friend said, like, pretty decent, but became a champion at the transition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd say he's better than women. I'd say he's better than women, clearly, based on that track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could tell. But anyway, that was gonna be the spokesperson for Soda's soup line, Donald Soups. I like that. Yeah, and then the slogan was, this ain't your mom's throwin' soup. And we were gonna have Cece just peg soup into the losing girl's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that? Wait wait wait, I vaguely remember that. Who was the PE teacher? That's a scary movie. You just had some balls hanging out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know if you know this as, in the world of comedy, it's very, uh, trans-friendly and trans-adjacent. Like, I know just so many comics that, like, are either into it or, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, anybody I showed to that was an athlete, like any female I showed to that was an athlete, they don't like it. They're like, come on. The people that set these rules are all nerds who don't play sports. So that's why Fallon Fox, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a friend of mine say this to me with a straight face from when my old show Raze Wars with Go2GayTommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the fear of trans is, is like, not want- like, just building codes of working out the bathroom. I swear to God, working out the bathroom. Sounds like I'm oversimplifying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, that whole bathroom controversy of like, you know, it's, I don't think it's so much women are gonna be attacked by a crazy man who's pretending to be trans, which is like, I guess the ultimate. What I think is, women are just gonna hold in their everything until they fucking explode. Cause women won't like shit or pit, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They won't take a shit or piss, like, you're just gonna see a lot more bladder infections of women, is my prediction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So restaurants are just gonna stink of piss. But, but if you go to like places, like New York's a bunch of places where it's all unicef. The reason you have split gender bathrooms in the city is so people aren't fucking in there and so they're not doing coke in there. That's, that's why there's a bathroom attendant, to make sure you're not doing coke or fucking in their bathroom. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I have. Well I have because I've been caught, uh, in those stalls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it coke or fucking in there? All of the above. And, uh, it was an off-duty cop. I got big trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can do that. They're listening for like, sniffs and like, you know, New York, like, there's always off-duty cops that work at bouncers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're in there specific. They don't care, uh, well, I don't know now how it is. This is like years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know, New York's like a, you ever, you ever been to the states ever as? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. See, you having a settler pilgrim face is- has advantages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because, dude, I went, I did a comedy tour in, uh, in the UK one time. It was called the Real Deal Comedy Jam. It was like a, I guess it was mostly like Jamaican, and like Nigerian crowd. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was hilarious. I, I, I did, it takes, it took me like a week to be able to do okay. Cause it wasn't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black rooms in America are different, like it's still American. When I went to UK it was very like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird, I would bomb and then, but then girls would wanna fuck after I, like, it was like opposite land. You know, you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like, do well and you think you're gonna hook up, like, I would suck at it, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable, like, awesome thing about the UK, uh, interracial shit, they're like really cool about, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I saw, I became aware of you watching the Doctor Who, uh, you smashed your Doctor Who. And when, on that series, they were putting all like this like woke racial thing. I'm like, does the UK have like a, the racism I saw was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jamaicans being mean to Somalis. That was the racism I saw while I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In America, there's more of a separation before you get to American than there is in UK, it just seemed like to me. And you know why? I bet you cause they have fucking healthcare. I bet you that's a big fucking part. Cause they don't have like the Hunger Games that we have here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why people are so desperate to fucking, you know, ruin Shane Gillis for example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know if you know for some reason that it's impossible to do here. I don't know why. Okay, we've got, we've got a little bit better things to do here. Like, you know, more realistic goals as things like, I don't know, building a stable democracy in Afghanistan. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of, India is like that in the states, like, like, but I think UK is more Pakistani than you get Indians. We've got a big Pakistani Indian mix. Yeah, big mix, but here, like. Separate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I would so much rather watch guys in wigs roasting each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's like Congress to Senate, like Congress is the more low rent version of Senate and uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we also, then there's the judicial branch, uh, the Disney Plus branch. Amazon. Who else? Who are the other branches of our government?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, listen, I might just sound like a pothead, but I say this shit's all connected because all these shows that I watch as complaining about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can see like a micro, it's like a microcosm of like actual political shit, but it's fucking amazing. And it all falls along the same line, which is these fucking monopolies own like all the IPs and shit, and it's very top down and very like marketing, like you love this, like they market shit to you like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's an example that Az makes fun of, I think, hilariously on his channel. Uh, have you seen the bat- the commercials for Batwoman, the new Batwoman on CW?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. In fact, Joey, find like a little vignette because the show shanked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that would be worse. Honestly, I thought it was going to be more like, when this bat Irish, when you find like, like, okay, bat woman season two trailer. So, okay, the first season they had this chick Ruby Rose who is from, um, John Wick. She's like one of the, you know, and she's like, and there was a con and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Batwoman is, uh, I guess supposed to be gay in the comics. Super gay. Yeah, and so Ruby Rose is only bisexual, so there was some initial controversy, cause this is usually-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think they're only making this so that as can make videos or I think that's what the, what the, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, with 60% more crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a friend of mine is a comic at this store. Did you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, now it's VVDash, but do you, do you remember JoeDash? Did you ever know JoeDash?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But transition is nothing like these fucking maniacs that are the extreme, or people that are just like, there's something else wrong with them. It's not just dysmorphia. Like, hearing that athlete talk, you're like, you can see someone taking full advantage and with a weird like, you know, and, and, and, uh, that's, that's not most of the people that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, especially in New York, like, I know so many people, it's not how like they act. Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you hear, like, the worst of the woke, like, kind of journalism type of people? Your sex passets, if you will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, we may have, may not have time for it. I was- I don't mind. The recent smear. Are you familiar with, uhm, oh, okay, so, do you know the whole story of Shane, uh, at, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here's the thing dude, if anywhere in the western world, cause I've been to China, like, there's no, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what they told me? I didn't have enough, like, race jokes. Like, I don't really have, like, race jokes in my act. Like, it's, I had, like, a lot of, like, I had a lot of religious stuff, and they don't care about that in giant, and I had a lot of, I had, like, sex stuff, and they don't really talk about it. So, what they like is, like, impression, like, kinda like, and I mean, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like schlocky impressions they want. They want you to make fun of someone's accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so opposite. All the stuff you hear in Americas, they call ABCs, which is American Born Chinese, that they look at like, shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking fascinating, like, the, the switcheroo in terms of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in fact you might, you might start like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Avengers, but I mean Captain America himself. Is there a thing where they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, how well would Captain China do here if they released a Captain China is what I'm saying. Like, it seems like a strange... I think it's very, very well important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, honestly, I would watch it. If there's something called Captain China, I'm going to watch that. That sounds fucking amazing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought you were talking about that. You know there's like reports in the San Francisco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's, if you see the video, they're being attacked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, and also, my friend pointed this out and she's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the, it's such a failed state, San Francisco, that all the, like, people are just getting attacked in general. Do you know what I mean? Like, and that's like a poor people section of town attack that goes back as long as I can remember. I mean, the road is called getting food. What do you think of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, you're telling me that that was legal, like, um, so, so San Francisco has legalized prostitution or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, hairdressers have never, only I've dated strippers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in terms of if you've got like really dumb tattoos at a young age kind of jobs. I am into a hairdresser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, there's no hairdresser. See, if you live in New York long enough, you end up knowing a hairdresser and then they just cut your hair and you don't have to go to it like a salon. Because hair is very expensive there. And you get great Hollywood gossip. Here's a, here's a inside


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember when uh, what was his name, Wolverine Hugh Jackman? Like the shape he got in for Wolverine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read interviews like, I ate so much chicken. I apologize to all my vegan friends because I just eat so much chicken to put on and all that. There's this guy who's their trainer and he works with anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think uhm, the girl right racers should be allowed to use steroids to make up the difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a Vatican, Vatican One Catholic all the way through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, there's bisexual. Believe me. I know there is. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because guess what, way back when HIV came out,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were blaming gays, it wasn't the gays, it was the bisexuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bisexuals were the ones spreading it to everyone, you know? It wasn't really the gays. They took all the heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you've raised a fair point, Shane. Nice, nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we make do, we get by how we can. That's just the law of the prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I don't know how this got so erotic so quickly this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's your, cause here's the thing dude, you are like, the way you joke around is hilarious. You, you look so much like out of a movie, the bad guy racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like, it's really funny dude, your face is like, fluxes you over in a way of like, things that are obviously absurd that you're saying, will, are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get more work, honestly. It seems like they need you. Batwoman should be fighting you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Irish, that's why I wanted to ask you to find this trick, but don't play it yet. Here's why, I'll just, before I start laughing at this, because I couldn't beli- First of all, I already didn't believe Liam Neeson, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, 50 year old man, those skills degrade over time. So, I don't believe, as a man doing it, like I certainly don't believe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, if they said, okay, she's ex-CIA, I don't know if you know, but the CIA,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay, wait, wait, wait. In all seriousness- You're saying she was a janitor? Yeah, that was- No, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That could be if, if it's like, oh, this is a 50 year old woman. Okay. Yeah. There's people in the CIA that aren't karate people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not all karate people, they have to do shit that's just like, thinky stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, cause the original TV series I believe was an old man, I don't remember him being Karate Champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, she's just really small, like that could be the character. She uses her wits as an ex-spy, not to fight because she can't do that. She has to out, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, can't do that, that would be too interesting. This is gonna be, have you seen this preview?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember Chuck Norris in Walker Texas Ranger and they would always slow motion his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you watch, uh, as the Bird of Prey movie where they had, I imagine a bunch of girls that, it's like these model kind of girls beating up gangs of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when the first one came out, which wasn't a good movie, Suicide Squad, she was good in that, in the Suicide Squad. She was the more interesting thing. That was what I saw the consensus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't want to, like, I watched it. But what was clear from it is, you're supposed to, like, this is a hero. The thing is disturbing. You can say, hey, she's a fucking psychopath piece of shit, and that could be very interesting. You know? There's a movie called, uh, Ingrid Goes West.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I totally lost my train of thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the thing is they try to make these piece of shit people like, like they don't understand how you make characters interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not good guys being held down by the patriarchy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're more, like the people who make the Star Trek now, they're like that. They're more Star Wars. They're more your Shane Gillis Star Wars guys. They probably shouldn't do Star Trek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In space, where you weigh nothing, isn't that be easier than getting a lightsaber to your hand? Like, that's probably where you can marry Poppins as a Jedi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the excuse to make garbage is to go, yeah, you can give kids crap. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw the original ones, it was a thing your dad took you to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister went to, but uh, your dad takes you to it, cause he likes it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a thing like, and so now they're like, that's directly, it's like the new coke formula. The thing is gross is like people get all political, but it's not even political. It's, it's the most craven like trend chasing from, there's only one kind of person that gets to a certain level now in these companies that are all from the same, they all went to the same like colleges and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not, if you'll notice, it's a direct thing to keep, like, people from working their way in or up to something. That's, that like, you'll notice like comics that like kind of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, one of the comics I've known for years who are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, okay Joey, do you know the article that came out? Which prominently features Luis J. Gomez, the proprietor of Gas Digital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I am upset because I am not in it this time. The last time he at least mentioned me as a bad-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this, so you've seen this shit everywhere as like this kind of like weird hippies, but this one guy has it in for comedy in particular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, we need to fight against it. I gotta, I'm telling you, I'm doing a special with Kyle. Stand up against comedy. And uh, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, save it, it's important. Like a gun buyback program, you bring your bad jokes and we bury them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I also have the Instagram story of the tweet Gina sent out. Wait, what's the tweet? Oh, Gina Chrono, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because history has edited, most people today don't realize that to get to the point where Nazi soldiers could easily round up thousands of Jews, the government first made their own neighbors hate them simply for being Jews. How is that any different from hating someone for their political views? And that despicable message is why she was fired. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh, okay, but this is, I guess this is why they really, we need to clean up the election process so we are not left feeling the way we do today. Put laws in place that protect us against voter fraud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flush out fake votes. Okay, so that's the fucking reason they wanted to get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's on purpose to keep people from voting. Uhm, okay. So, let's look at this great article. Another one from Seth Simon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also known as sex pa- Now why, why is, again, just to refresh everybody, why this, uh, this dogged fucking industry gadfly Seth Sonken?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Army hat. Okay, go down a little bit, let's scroll down and see. Oh, look, that guy is crying and he has a swastika. And that guy has a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what do you think this article is about based on this illustration? Or what do you think it is like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How s- how safe spaces for transgressive humor, both online and in real life, helped breed a hateful ideology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He makes his home on onaforums.net, a community named after the shock jock duo, Opie and Anthony, a safe space to say what cannot be said offline. He's posted in threads like n word hate thread number one. Oh, these are threads. He posted it. Well, did he post? Hey, you guys are bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one where you got, so, okay, now you stepped in Seth Simon's turf, posted in that thread pal, uh, toxic cis white male fat.


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[Assistant] Uh, where he, where he called Joe Biden a pedophile retard who's about to die in the Oval Office. Seth, thank you for bringing this to my attention. Thank you for somebody with the dumbest name in the world, following them into the dumbest forums in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To report that they said Joe Biden is a pedophile retort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you for your service. I hope you get the vaccine soon as a frontline. Seth Simon, I want to, I know people attack you, but I want to say


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just reading that line has enriched me. It's informed and enriched us all. And, uh, you're doing a good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's continue. Elsewhere, he's derided the COVID-19 vaccine. He derided the COVID-19 vaccine. This toxic fucking male fad did that. Deriding. He gave it a good deriding. Oh my god. Will this list of crimes show any signs of abating, Shane? I don't, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the- okay, called Biden, pedophile retard, who's about to die in the office, and he derided COVID-19 vaccine, which he calls gook juice, and chinky ju- now it sounds like Az. Az, is this you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The username matches a comment on Thought Catalog. Did you cross-reference the biggest who gives a shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, this is, but this is in the fucking New Republic. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the user, so he tracked him. He tracked this guy. Uh, his username matches the commenter on Thought Catalog with which toxic cis white male fat has said he trolled after it retracted a transphobic essay by Proud Boys founder Gavin McGuinness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say toxic cis white male fat sounds, uh, like not cool at all, Seth.


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[Assistant] It's weird. I thank you for getting the bottom. I thought maybe toxic cis white male fat. We thought you might be like a good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based on the name alone, but thanks to the investigative journalism, he turns out he's indeed toxic cis white male, in fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever's name that is, they do sound like an asshole, like, to- to spell it that- okay.


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[Assistant] I've spent the last five years, Seth has spent the last five years writing about the comedy industry.


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[Assistant] Every industry has one. Every industry has this fucking demented failure person who is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he had, we'll play it for you. He had something called spoken bird poetry, which was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's very political. It's not even liberal, like, I think improv, improv comedy is probably too toxic masculine for him. That's what I imagine. The world of improv.


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[Assistant] Because I honestly, I'm, I am slighted that he didn't include me in this fucking, uh, expose. Now, I don't know, now it's gonna be six degrees separation of like, how somebody's connected to this fucking name that he's obsessed with on a fucking forum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would knock. Are you playing it? Okay. Okay. 34 seconds with Seth Simons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so now you see where the guy's coming from.


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[Assistant] So after that amazing thing that he did, he dedicated himself to policing.


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[Assistant] Better comedians. Alright, so put the article back up, because he spent the last five years


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, yeaah, that's us as well, but it's not that he's a communist, it's that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even about that, it's about his personal fucking, it's always the same with these dudes. And Jamie Kilstein, who you know, who had his period where he was this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay. So something broke his fuckin' spoken bird heart. Okay, so wait. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This periodically brought me in contact with some of the leading lights in the scene's transgressive edge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right-wing politics that animated the capital riot last month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] animated that riot. It's a place hostile to prying eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, why would it be when you are trying to pin the capital riot on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so this guy walked like Andy, like Andy Dufresne from the green mile walked through a mile of shit to bring us this story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That had been dys- conducted against me. Hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This online forum, just one node.


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[Assistant] Before I take you down my particular rabbit hole, it's worth establishing the many ways in which the worlds of comedy and the racist right overlap and reinforce each other.


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[Assistant] The recent comedy boom is popularly understood as an era in which new forms of media like podcasts and streaming video created massive new audiences, blah blah blah, which in turn created massive new revenue streams for comedians. At the same time, the artificial intimacy of these platforms allowed fans to feel a level of connection with their favorite performers. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was not simply an area of glorious bounty in which little known comedians could land massive Netflix paydays or leapfrog from UCB comedy to college humor to lucrative sitcom writing gigs. That's what he never did. That's what he's mad about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was also the era of walled off subcultures like Oniforms, which could transform into real violent political factions, especially at a time when comedy was increasingly pitted against the forces of political correctness. He's saying that as, that's bad, to be a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's see, the mod that descended on Washington DC, so somehow this is connected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all these people in New York, if you're in New York for a long time, you know everybody. Gavin's the founder of Vice Magazine. Gavin McGinnis that he's bringing up to try to like, connect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gavin, I always liked Gavin, but Gavin's like an asshole. I don't, I don't sign off on any of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing here? Kumiya from Opie Anthony hang out that like, oh yeah. So go down a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, he's blathering. He's basically trying to do a six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Up, up, up, up, up, up. Okay. The Gavin McGuinness Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so this is how Gavin McGinnis used his platform on Compound Media to mingle with a revolving door of respected, even mainstream comics. People like Big J. Okerson. Mainstream. I call him Big Alt Right J. Yeah. Justin Dodge. Mike Lawrence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was Justy Dodge, I beg your name that way. Larry the Cable Guy, Joe Matariz, Tom Shalhou, Dave Hill, Alonzo Bodden, Luis Gomez, and Dave Smith. It sounds like SNL.