[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it top floor like futuristic Tokyo? Yea, top floor is like, this is your last chance to turn back, dude. Final boss is right ahead. Actually, here's some health items, here's a save point. That's at the top floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Hold on. There could be a worse time for you to come out as a solipsist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we have a spelling thing? S-I-S-M. No, it's P-S-I-S-M. Don't believe anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Solipsism, okay. Solipsism. I don't even know which one I said. You said that one, you were correct. Sick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And so if you're the one that realizes it, then you're the only one that exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they saying in the second half of that sentence, are they saying that, uh, just the fact that there is a distinction between them is part of why they're different? What is that? The distinction between them is a subtle but important part of that same discussion. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think people were just hitting you up for knowledge. People were probably badgering you for knowledge, now that you had a glimpse. Now you have a foot in both worlds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now did you time it or was it like the length of one song? How sure are we it was three full minutes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a limited time donut? It is, it is. So you went, you went with the special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I, I think I took the keys a long time ago. I think I said you had enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, dude, it's so dramatic. He was kind of a fucking, I mean from the movie trailer, he was kind of a fucking drama queen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, uh, I don't know if it was in the trailer or if it's like the box art for it, but there's a giant, like a gargantuan block of marble, like the size of a house. And he's just like leaning against it, like getting a feel for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's different, but it's not necessarily better now. I think people are kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People, people's brains came online and they instantly handed over the leash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. There's a direct line between that and man caves. The invention of the man cave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The part where he's like holding her hair and like pretending he's gonna stab her and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that crazy when you see dudes interviewing like machete guys in the jungle? It's like I'm, I'm with the press dude. Like that's nuts. I would never in a million years be like, ah, I will live amongst you. I'm going to go live with Al Qaeda to do a journalism story. That's never, never in a million years. Trust that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have we talked about uhm, dopesick love on here before? No. Have you ever seen dopesick love? Yea, you know what I'm talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there's a part where there's a guy who looks like Kevin Federline on heroin and his girlfriend who's like a blonde girl from the suburbs that just got fucking stuck doing heroin in New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like bopping around, like acting like they're shit, but they're like clearly homeless and dirty and like, he's not wearing a shirt, he's like wigged out with tattoos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at one point, like, she's having a slow night trying to, trying to suck enough dick to get money for drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, okay, well I can call a guy and he goes to this old pervert's apartment and let's the old guy suck his dick and he's wearing a micro, the camera doesn't go in with him. It's out filming the apartment building from the outside and he's wearing a microphone and you can hear the old guy. He's like, Oh yeah. You got any more crumb in those balls? It's the most beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they go like clothes shopping at one point, she's like calling her dad, telling a sob story, he sends money, they go, I mean, it's probably on HBO Max.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, and that's not even the most electrifying couple. But yeaah, that's enough about that. I don't want to think about that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get shot there all the time. It's great. I did see someone call it a mass shooting though. That's what I saw. I also saw someone else say it was just a bar shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, I saw someone go, it's crazy that y'all marking yourselves safe from a bar shooting that you weren't even at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because the news is finally starting to say these are mass shootings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, yeah. The guy with the nicest suit in the entire company is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I could say 100% in no way. Yeah. Alright, I'm glad to hear it. You have a pristine slate in my book. That thrills me. Honestly, I think like 99% of people have a pristine slate in my book. So that was an end in the moment spaz then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell? I think it's fantastic. I think it's perfect. I bring the drama. I bring the drama. When I go somewhere, I bring the drama. You might have to gel that hair off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you stripping my right from a poofy mullet from me? That's like ripping someone's badge off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am playing light sport of Psyop. I'm 1000% Psyop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never gave it up to WTF? I don't know why, I always just, you know, something about it bothered me. The self-seriousness? Can I? I think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel bad because I don't like to talk shit on stuff, but I also don't like hiding my true feelings. So I always like to preface being like, nothing personal, but that was my gut feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gut reaction. Why? He psychologically... The tangy aliens. It's stuff is, and I also, I always come in and smoke this thing like a dumbass. I get stoned on this, and then it's time to smoke weed and I lose my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was Magellan the guy who allegedly circumnavigated the globe? Yes. You know, he didn't make it all the way. He actually died before he circumnavigated it. The only person who actually did it were, I guess there's a couple people on the boat, but his slave was the only guy who actually circumnavigated the globe. Magellan did not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna travel the entire world and he owns a dude. So he's gonna get all the way around the world and be like, wasn't that great? The guy he owns is like, yes of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean also those, I don't know, cause it depends. Was it one of the, if it was one of the OG slaves, those dudes, they sailed the high seas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought a cat one time to Center City. I let a stray cat live with me. And I brought it in my car because it was just outside and I was going to drive somewhere and it started bothering me. I'm like, get in the fucking car, let's go. So it hopped in and we went to Center City and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is crazy because technically you would not own the person physically but also own all of their ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like 100 people and at that point his crew was down to like, I think 12 or so. And he was like, yo, let's go fuck these guys up. And they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, I guess that guy wasn't as sl- I guess that guy was a- I guess that guy just became a gel and he probably came back like, god damn bro, I got tamed as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to play Mega Man because as a little kid I'd get some Nintendo time and I'd be like, are my brothers even serious with this game? This is so fucking hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I have this weird thing with Mega Man where like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like an almost, I'm like still as an adult in all. It's like people are playing Mega Man, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but what's the other game where you're like locked in a castle, it's like that meteoroid or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That game gives me a terrible feeling. If Metroid comes on, I shrink within myself and I turn it off. I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To this day, if I like see someone playing Metroid, I go, if I see Mega Man, I get like almost like fear level off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I've never, I don't know if I've ever even seen the final level of content. Well you've never done ABAB, select stars, left, right, left, right, up, down, up, down. That's the ultimate lives continuous content.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I beat one video game in my entire life. How embarrassing is that? What was it? Turtles in Time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I beat that with my cousin and walked outside being like, that is as a kid, that's the feeling of like landing a fucking humongous job. We beat a video game and you're like, dude people don't know this about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe so. It was Secrets of the Use, Turtles in Time. We played it on Sega Genesis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Picture someone did of like Elon Musk's, he had his staff pre-Elon Musk and they showed like he got in and fired everyone. Yea, and it was just the bros. It was just the bros. Someone retweeted like, this room must smell crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nerd B.O. is like extremely sharp and pungent in a way. It's like onion-y. It's weaponized. It is. It's like a different level of onion-y.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, figuring out deodorant as a kid was so, cause I wanted to be a gel deodorant guy so bad, cause you see it in the store and I'm like, that stuff looks so sick. You ever tried the spray?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I get, there's certain brute, if I put on brute, my armpits turn into like psoriasis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a big aerosol pussy, I've always been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does, exactly. Yeaah. So it's like this guy was clouding the place out. Killing himself. Was this like nitrogen and shit? I don't know. No, it's ozone. It captures the molecules for smell. This is how I think it works. It's the gas, ozone. Brings them to the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then you would just, it's called osium. People like, it was a big weed smoking thing back in the day because you could spray osium and it would kill the smell in your car if your car smelled like weed. But you also, it just probably like destroyed your inner flora.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so s- Yeah dude, he would spray it and like fog the fucking whole room up. And I'd be like, dude, I'd rather go to jail than breathe more osium in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked, dude I looked into it, I've been a fucking psycho with this shit my whole life. So there's a, there's like a big warning on it, they use it like in hospitals and shit, cause it'll sanitize the air and everything. It's supposed to be for like, if you like, if someone has like, butthole surgery. Like, you know, because it's probably some nasty shit in the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this dude was just fucking destroying it. Reed, can I spray Osium in my house? Or is it toxic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, contaminated work clothes and shouldn't even be allowed out of the work clothes. Yea dude, I was bathing in this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. For like two fucking years. I hated it. Every time, I was like, I can't be like, I don't know man, fucking, you sure we should be spraying this stuff inside? But yeah, I was worried about that. Mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you guys OSHA certified? I'm familiar with OSHA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, dude, trust me. Nobody takes- I took this test for like a bunch of other people I knew. They didn't feel like doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The head? I'm gonna say the torso. I'm gonna say the torso. What do you guys got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, that's, you're going to ruin your thoracic area. Yeah, that's not good for the lower back as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, a spoil pile. A spoil pile. From the edge. Oh, of the excavation, duh. That's just a hole in the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fine. I was thinking like a building you're taking down when there's an edge and like a drop off. Oh, you're saying demolition. I was thinking worksite. I didn't read the question. I didn't read the question. That's just digging a hole in the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They give you all the answers, you do it, and they give you the right answers, like okay, I'll do those ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost always and sometimes. Now, almost always is like sometimes plus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fair. But that's such a crazy distinction for a multiple choice question. That's as confusing as it gets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like being a mandated reporter. If you're a social worker, you have to call. If something goes on and you don't report it, you're now liable. You get in trouble. I mean, I'll do what I gotta do. Yes, I mean, dude, again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you have to go, it's not just, you have to go in, then come up too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, so it was, it happened when I was in school. A lady started choking. And I, dude, no one, I had to get up and I was like, do the Heimlich. I didn't know the Heimlich. And no one was doing it. You faked it. They had to guide me through it. So I sat there and she was, you know. Did someone google it? Other people that didn't want to touch her had to coach you through it. I don't know. I don't know. Dude, it was like, dude, first of all,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She started choking and no one would fucking rescue this lady. So I had to like, rip CPR on her and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming in, pulling up, it was wild. And then afterwards she was like, oh no, I think I was just having like a panic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would sit there the whole time and just talk shit loudly on the t-shirts. Oh man. It's so funny. Like what the fuck? Is this the black lady? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 decibels. I would be in the back of the class like, don't go in there!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also, that's gotta be crazy learning about history, cause you went to like a pretty like, integrated school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you had to learn about histori- that sucks. I was always in like- I learned about all my historical atrocities with mainly just other white people sitting in the room. So I was able to just be like- This is pretty laid back. Actually mine was just kinda like, you hear about it like, okay, that happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was in a school where they ta- it was like a mostly a black school where they're talking about historical atrocities and I was like, oh, that's a whole different fucking thing these days. They were like gloss over them in our school and we were like, yep, yep, yeah, we know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever did it, if a black person does do that, that is funny. Because send your whole school into a tizzy. It's a funny thing to be able to disrupt your school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must be so exciting though, to like, to be like a person who's been like actively on the lookout for swastikas. To like, finally found one, to find one and be like, fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like when some dudes see like a swirl, they're like, those guys are child sexual. They see it and they're like, that's actually a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a good question. I'm gonna, I'm just imagining like a tight thermal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was crazy when LL Cool J was like the hottest dude in the world there for a while. Yea, he was a polite gangster. He was a polite gangster, dude. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were some steps you took toward at least even like, trying that out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the psychology of it though, of like getting in and being like, this is girly, I met last summer, I can't forget. I'm saying what about the fashion though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin Smith is like a, he's like one of those like jewels you could capture in like a, one of those games. It's like for like a white person simulation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already talked about my most ridiculous pants. I had bullheads that had it's, uh, it was khakis with a single white stripe and I wore them to dress down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my co- they were so- they were like skateboarder pants. And I- I remember just like walking out being like, they haven't been torn up by the- like, they went over the backs of my shoes, I was like, I can't wait till these get torn up and they like look all torn on the back of my shoes. And I was at the bus stop, my brand new bullheads, my cousin was like, dude, sick pants, and I was like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, how dare you, dude. No, they didn't. They actually, I would walk, dude, I would walk through the hallways vividly remembering just being like, and just pulling my pants. That was like, I have like tunnel vision child memories of being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where are you in size Husky? I was in size Husky. I always admired those pants. I'd be like Husky, I always like, there was like your size when they had like this qualifier and I always wanted them and my mom like, she would go like this and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't, I don't know. Dude, I, I'm like now going back and trying to figure out what my whole personality rests upon and it's like, it's just too...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what do you think would happen if you went on a job interview and wore like a shiny p-ditty suit? Like do you think you could push the limits as a white dude of doing like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black formal wearers. Oh boy. Pastel church suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? But yea, the urge, I've talked about this before, the urge to be fly on the black community, I decide, my heart bleeds for it. It's like, dudes. You don't like it? No, no, no, it's just so much pressure, man. Like you're saying, you have the wrong jacket, everyone, it's like, dude. But the highs are high. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be what I'm battling against with Brittany, cause like, I'll go get Maya dressed in the morning, and I'm like, here, and she's like, what the fuck are you doing? She gets Maya like, she has like planned outfits, and I'm like, who fucking cares? That's the cultural battle, right? I go, who fucking gives a shit? She's two. No, she has to like, we have to like give her like cool outfits, and I'm like, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, it's tied into that level of stuff. That's the thing. It's not like a vain obsession. It's like, dude, what are you doing? You're fucking it up. They're gonna think like, we're fucked up now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just gave it up dude. I just, I mean I still, I'll have days where I just give in to myself and just wear like a full sweatsuit all day, but I've been trying to wear blue jeans during the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fair. No, and I do respect that because I do like just, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my only childhood dream was to be able to wear sweatpants at work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to God, I remember being like, whatever I do, I want to be able to wear sweatpants to work. And it's like, I achieved it. Now I'm like, today I had to just go, I had to do something, so I'm like, let me just throw on some blue jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a whole different energy. When I, when I pull on, when I have the sweatsuit on all day, I'm kind of in my renegade bag. I go, I go like pfft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do full sweatsuits. I don't even like, I'll wake up in the morning with just total back to the feet dress. Matching sweatsuits by the way? Sometimes I'm pleased when they match. I'll grab whatever but every now and again the planets will align and I'll have like a nice gray sweatsuit on and be like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. But I'll like just be in sweatsuits for like weeks at a time and just not even like wash my hair or like touch it for a while and I'll just like roll in somewhere and people are like, and I'm always like, oh fuck dude, look at me, I'm schizophrenic dude. Like I'm out of nowhere on someone like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where I'm like, I should probably try to avoid that. But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I, uh, I did that for like two years in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you have something to occupy your time. Making the ascent is kind of tight, yeah. But yeah, dude, the thing I gotta get into is I never got into the different like modes where it's like the pentatonic, mixed lydian, that's the stuff I, and like musical theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well no, I go, I'm fueled by the pentatonic, obviously, pentatonic minor, but. That's like a hex. And I'll slip in the pentatonic minor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That flashed through my mind, I went, haha. I went, this can't be the truth, it has to be a Frenchman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just got done hauling buckets of like pig shit for like four hours and your wife's like, tonight we're going out, we have to. And you're like, fuck. Yeah. Did you plan anything? Fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I, uh, I've definitely done it like in, what did I do? No, that's the thing too, I don't think I've ever like- Dude, I did rose petals on a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that. That was like my first introduction to like different foods was from like high school girlfriends. They were like, they would just like name a certain type of pasta and I'd be like, yeah, this is good. I just, I only ate buffalo chicken cheese sticks. They were like, try this, this is pesto. And I was like, what the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you say, would you say that you've retained too much fat guy energy? Or did it all go away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean if you tasted Valhalla like that, how do you come back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if all, what if all the hot, what if all the hot sailor songs were actually slave songs that were stealing? Take it to the bars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Wow, is it like a professional speedrunner for people from the audience?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because bullies, they're not gonna shower in those things. Gotta fuckin' fuck up a nerd workout in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If jocks don't work out in a day, they don't shower. If they have to work out to shower, that's like, that's the trigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never once sprayed a can of aerosol in a well ventilated room. Ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not good for the, yeah, the lower back is gonna get trashed. Let's go, it's gotta be the torso. I'm gonna stay with the torso.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, like, again, for me that's ergonomically what it should be. Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be, well, it's gonna be 15 because you think it should be 20, but 15 is just enough, like one of those answers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still posit that almost always and sometimes are the same fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do a reverse CPR, I would like put a bolt in your mouth and like make you breathe it in. Like chest. You can go to the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think, I think both men and women kinda like are in the middle of that Venn diagram. I don't think no chokin' man is ever attractive enough to put your mouth on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can push, you can like lay a person over the top of a chair and hit them in the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to because that's like culturally how black people sit in the back of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only imagine, my school was like half and half, and it was like, it could be thrown into a racial tizzy in a heartbeat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was one time there were, there was some sort of sign that was in school for homecoming, it was like in the hallways, and people wrote KKK on it, and the whole school flipped out. And honestly, it was probably a black person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not even false flag, it's like, oh this is gonna be funny. Right, well that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my, dude, it was like the same, the same exact type of disruption that happened at my high school happened at my college. It was like the same thing, like a sign's written up, but in, this one in the, like embedded in the sign was allegedly something racial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the sign? It was like a tree with like weird branches, but it was like an artistic tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is, you can see the reward system for people that excavate swastikas out of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They must have talked him out of it. I dunno. Oh, they must feel like heroes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to get into like, you have to get into things that girls are into. And I wasn't willing to compromise my masculinity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sometimes I would rock a green and white baseball cap. You were totally crossed out. You were like crisscrossed. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I would mix it up. So I would like, most of the time I would wear it backwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because like, when I was trying to, when I was trying to like, kick it to the chicks that played double dutch, it needed to be straight. Yeah. But then when I was trying to kick it to the girls that had dads, I needed to curve a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my sister used to try to have me do ear taping. So ears are untucked? Yea, untucked ears, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a green belt for this outfit. My mom made me be a belt guy. I always had belts to match my shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, keep in mind I was a little more fit in my hockey jersey than Kevin Smith ever was, than we've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so nobody else is gonna put their embarrassing jeans out there? It was just- I had jingos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, mine is me, like, getting a jean jacket after everybody stopped wearing jean jackets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forget 6th grade, no 7th, it was 7th grade. I finally was able to get a jean jacket and I showed up and people looked at me like, what the fuck are you doing? We don't do jean jackets anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was Carl Connigh and Windbreakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, it was, and then I finally got a windbreaker jacket and we were like, dude, we're on the mature bomber jackets and shit now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always just out of the fucking fashion loop. That's like terrifying, isn't it? Dude, it's the worst. That sucks. Yeah. It was any time that I tried to, like, my mom wanted to be in full control of my fashion. And if she would've, I probably would've been on time with things. But I was like, no, this is, this is the time. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, I don't remember what black and white sneakers that I was wearing with these, but it could have been the Patrick Hewins though, right? Cause I needed, I needed big sh- cause I didn't want my pants coming under my shoes. You wanted a bunch. Yea, I was a bunch guy. So, I was a sick look back then though. Uh, white pants, I think they were like slightly off white, right? White pants. Uh huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the most praise I ever got for an outfit, man. I would show up in that outfit to the dance and people were like, oh, look at Scotty. What was, what were you wearing underneath the vest? Uh, sometimes a black t-shirt, but sometimes nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White clothing with black stitching is nuts. Yeah, it's pretty sick. It's pretty fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's this like, there's a weird belief that like if you don't let them people are gonna think you're a bad parent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just started, I just, I'm 42 years old and I just started wearing sweatpants as my pants outside in the world. Yea. Right? And when I first started doing it, I had this like, fuck my mom finds out that I'm doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't. I can't. I mean, once- You're not wrong. Once I started doing it, it was just like, I just can't look back. I wear jeans when I'm doing professional shit, and that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you feel like a pose? Nah, but you have to- I love stinking that stuff. Really? Dude, it's my favorite fucking client.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? Turn them back on? They're off. Yeah, did you turn yours off Danny? Dude, they probably died. Nah, we're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do feel, I do feel for the kid that was bonked by this. Cause like Fritz, he does jujitsu, he's like, so he's like a silly kid, but he's a little tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no, but I think Henry Heath was the fucking, the truest of the lovers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did go all out once, but it was also during my dark time when I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was slipping. You know what I mean? So I needed to go all out to fucking have some sort of karmic retribution for what I was also doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a candlelit dinner, I got moved furniture to bring a table into a living room, candlelit dinner, I got fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was shit she likes. I think it was like, uh, some sort of pasta dish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this was when we were living in, uh, Pittsburgh, so this was like 2004? Okay. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At this time of my life, I was, I was a husky guy. I was wearing huskies at this point. So there wasn't much, uh, I don't think there was any saunter. I think I was like anytime-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was, uh, I think R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet was out at this time. What happened? Was that like the most scandalous period ever for everyone? It was for me. Yeah, I was about to say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, dude, we used to, when that first came out, we rode around, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like all the things that I would do to like cover up my fucking dark behavior. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you do it for the, you do it for the betterment of the community. You know what I mean? Like, I'm better to the community this way. When you were too indulgent when you were fat and too... Dude, I was, yeah, dude was indulgent in everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick before we go, I have to tell you this retarded thought I was having the other day, just losing my mind. Right? So we can't say that Jewish people control the media, right? But for some reason we are allowed to admit that black people control the Medea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I know, you guys are probably losing your minds right now. I was actually geeking pretty hard on uhm, where did that meet last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's, you're getting out of the house one way or the other, but it completely, it's an AB between the worst mood possible and cloud nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what this, you know what this gap that's covering is, is now you really can feel comfort in the fact that you are doing it as big as possible. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like that they added when you, when you turn, when you're running and you turn in video games now, a lot of times they'll do like a lean and actually like, make it look like a real sick turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Getting it, getting like a, a balding Greek guy, almost horizontal in grand theft auto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you like throw pepper flakes at their nose. For sure. You can get, you can force a sneeze and you go, great, this is my chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think every kid has ADD. I think ADD is made up. We've talked about this, right? ADD is made up. It's 100% not real. I think it's like a, or if it is real, it's just a personality type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, do you think that uhm, yea absolutely. It's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the opposite of, that's the opposite of ADD. Instead of running the autist kids, they're just heavy book bag kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What he's describing is the Super Smash Brothers brawl competitive scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see your boy JP cried about the incel? Yea dude. I sympathized. Yea dude, it was really sweet. I really thought so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they put that question on the census, I think black people would start taking it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's going to be, that's going to be close to being like trapped by abuse, abusive parents. Yeah. Be like, all right, I got to reconsider this. Maybe some killings are justified. He wouldn't, she wouldn't have sex with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He spent, he spent 23 years never having sex, your honor. What was he, she would not have, and he was really nice to her at work, and she would not have sex with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I never, I never had to use a dating app. I, my relationship predates dating technology. I mean, and so, I never even had to break that barrier of like that initial like, no way dude, I'm not doing, like. True. I think that's how everyone first looked at them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think that's, that's, that sounds like that's a high percentile experience. That's top three percentile, right? What do you mean? Well, in the early days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it, what was it like deciding to like take the, cause now I think young people it's normal, but I think you were probably part of a generation that had to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go to the gym. You were, you were, you were identifying your boundaries. That's healthy. I was. That's healthy. It's painful, but healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't know if you had, did you have many like serious relationships before that? Cause I think after your like first like serious adult relationship, like grown up relationship, you come out of it like, like Gandalf returning in the white. Like I, I can't believe I didn't know any of that before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm saying? You're so wise. I think this is one of the things that makes you so wise is stumbling through an entire lifetime of this kind of experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's, it completely, it shuts the lights off on the nog bro. Yeaah dude. And I think for, for someone who- You're touching-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you ever have a crisis of faith, dude, why don't you hit up Jay and go, Hey, can I come up for SDR?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the lady that was on this week with us, uh, her, her thing was that she could queef on command. And this was, this was the rare one. That is her value in the world. She didn't even, she didn't even disrobe. It was, it was tasteful. You could show it on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she, uh, was queefing into a microphone that was being held by her


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chubby lesbian cousin who she fucks. As it should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, first cousin? Like first cousin. First, she said I fucked my cousin and I tried to fuck my boy cousin. Wait, but it girl sex? And it ruined my family. But it's girl sex. That was girl sex. The confirmable was girl sex. They also tried to fuck their boy cousin. Doesn't count. Well, that was, I think that was, sure. One of us probably thought that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand, dude, I understand it's like a podcast. You're supposed to be goofing around. But twice I accidentally slipped and one time I was like, what do you, do you feel anything about how that's destroyed your parents?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, because that wasn't like, I guess, like, you know, entertaining or fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but twice I accidentally went down that path and I was very quickly corrected. But how can you not? That's what I'm saying. Yeaah. It's actually, it's actually painful for me to act like that's cool. And I dislike the sensation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty terrible. And then when she was saying goodbye to everybody, I was the last person to say goodbye, and as she got to the front of her studio, she turned and got on her knees and stuck her tongue out like a dog. And I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was the one closest to her. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like a... There's this really like nice lady that like handles them. Her name is Lainey. She's a really nice older lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and, and she's a very, very nice lady, but her job is to like get publicity for these adult stars. Is this two behind the curtain? Is this uninteresting? No, it's fantastic. So she's got this, she, she like corrals them and like get lines up like press for them, I guess, and shit like that. Yeah. And, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you. Jay mercifully changed the subject. Thankfully for me, dude, because it was about to just not be, it was about to be not cool. And it would have been on me for like, I don't know. So she, what was she saying? She was going in on me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, I, I was tagged in a tweet with her and I clicked on her account and her pinned post is her shoving like a gigantic dragon dildo up her ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't care what, whatever they say about how it like damages a cortex in your head. If you're doing that instead of developing relationships, I don't care. It's just a dark world. That's all you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it causes like a cognitive issue if you get too nogged out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't be curious? We can't be curious. I'm not curious, man. That's the dark world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be too personal of a question for you guys, but I'm interested in both your answers. How nasty are you getting in the DMs with your wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me suggest that this is a gap in your lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried all that kind of stuff out. Order. And I go, how was that? And she'll be like, okay, it was fine. And I go, alright. Really? It didn't dazzle you, I'm not gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you gotta do is one time, ask her one time what she's gonna get, and then listen while she reads the whole menu to you out loud, and you're just like, uh huh, uh huh. That does sound good. I agree. True. Every item. And then when she finally picks it, just pay attention when she picks it, and then the next time you go, actually, get that soft entry, when the waitress comes back, order what she said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's your first, that's your training wheels. Then the next time you go, if she liked it, order it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I typically have an idea and see if anything on the menu matches it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. She's not even considering options, she's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, pretty tight. You do worry about someone else getting your food and then you go, actually that's my food. And they go, well I got it. And you go, do you imagine it taking off from there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't not do it. You're an idiot. If there's an option and one of them shrimp, and then you have to pick another option, it's, it's, it's shrimp and something. Shrimp and bacon. You add it. What does it not go with? Sure mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just viral, it was the first viral marketing. Okay, did you guys see that Mark Hamill is the ambassador to the army of drones initiative to give Ukraine an army of drones? Who's Mark Hamill? Mark Hamill is Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like the, the, the, the spokesperson for the army of drones initiative, which is like raising money to buy a drone army for something like that for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the Mark Hamill thing is just like, what, what, what? I don't understand the information that I'm hearing when I read that. I don't understand what's actually happening. Drain war? Or drone war?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we about to like get hyped? Is the whole thing a fake conflict to get us hyped for a drone army?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think the anthrax thing that went around, that was actually America Online forcing us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear someone say, like, I hear in my head going, well then why did you say yes to do it? Now when I said yes that I would do the show, it was just me and Beezer. I didn't know that this lady was gonna be on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, just showed Matt Shannon Schaub's Skip Bayless intro from yesterday's whatever, what's that show? Just Schaub? Is it? I don't think it's first take, it might just be Shannon and Skip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was the injury to the Bills player Hamlin this week. What happened to him? Oh bro. Did you see it? No. I was laying here watching the game and it was like, it was terrifying. He got hit. He got hit in the chest. He stands up and then he drops and passes out and had cardiac arrest and he had to get CPR on the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the players are like, you know, they watch the dude maybe die. They're devastated. And then- Who's the guy hit him? What was he doing? He was a wide out. It wasn't even like that. Okay. It wasn't crazy. He just happened to hit him right in the middle of the chest. And I guess the exact wrong time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, Skip Bayless tweeted out, like, how can we cancel this game? This game's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huge, this is an important game for the player. But then he did end it with, which all, it's not important now. He's like, the NFL has to figure out, should they play this game or not? And then he's like, but it all seems so unimportant now. So he did, it's not like he was out there like, play the game. He ended his tweet with,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not important. Football's not important. It's about the guy who might be dying. Yeah. Uh, but then, you know, people started getting on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he was against the Vex. And I think he stepped away, he had to, he quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just brought him back onto the team. And I wonder if when that happened he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen, the last one who died on the, not died, but, uh, Christian Eriksen, this soccer player. He's back now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, he's back. Cause that's- Cause the kids, you remember, remember in like, every summer kids died at like high school football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he got hit, he dropped. He dropped. He, yeah, I mean it was like, truly scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. It was very weird. The stadium's quiet, the whole, all the players are fucking sad. It was really fucked up. Yeaah. Then they cancelled the game, which they absolutely should've. You can't. Yeaah, he was in critical condition. You can't go back out there after one of your buddies. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. But then you saw the, what happened dude. Skip put that out and people, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, if you watch that part closely, he's breathing so hard. He's got fight adrenaline going like, cause Shannon's like, I disagreed with Skip's tweet, not gonna get into that. Time out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but Shannon, or Skip Bayless is a bitch ass dude. Is he really? Yeaah, he like talks shit to players. Kinda funny, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, see that's the thing, it got interpreted as that. It looked like he was saying


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can we, he said how can we cancel this game. It's very important. But all of it, now it's not important. That was the, it was an old man fucking. He thought he was getting deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally a guy, a kid was dying. They were resuscitating him on the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] SS buried him on his own show. SS didn't show up the day after. He was supposed to be there. He didn't show up. What? So it kinda looked like it was like he was in unity against Skip for the tweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had to leave the, they, ESPN switched to their in-studio team, who just had to sit, they had no idea how long this was gonna take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but they, they had to sit there and like, there's nothing you can say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all trying to like dance around. They were all afraid to say something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know, it was genuinely an emotional thing. You just watched a guy possibly die. Is he dead? He's still alive right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing about football, it's very dangerous. They're like, booger, what do you think about that? He's like, I can't talk right now. Like, we respect that, that's fine for you to do that. Uh, Adam, how do you feel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they kinda did. Did they? Yeah, they were brought up like other times, they've seen something like this happen. Yeah. But there was nothing they could say, so they just had to awkwardly do like fake sports talk for 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was uh, it was uncomfortable to watch. Dude, that's crazy. They should have never had them on. They should have just cut them. They should have just sold, sold, sold, sold. Commercial. Commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause putting three people on in a fucking ESPN studio while a kid's getting resuscitated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yes, he, dude, I think it will come out that he did die on the field.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happened I think to Christian Erikson, that soccer player. Really? I think he was dead for like a minute. Jesus. Yea. Hawkeye was in the ICU as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was run over by a snowplow weighing more than 14,000 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They keep forgiving him. Wait, what? I don't know how the flash hasn't been cancelled yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is great though. In September of 22, a representative for Miller claimed that the strangulation was a spontaneous reaction spurred on by a group of teenagers taunting Miller over their MMA skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know the Chipotle symbols? The Namba? Namboy love? Come on, man. Inside the Chipotle pepper? Oh, the swirl. You never noticed that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I haven't had it in a long time. It used to be such a delicious treat for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chipotle does not travel well either. If you order Chipotle. Oh god dude. Pretty horrendous. Fucking cardboard containers always smashed half of its hanging out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hawkeye, that's tough though, that's like, when you get designated like, when you're the Flash, or Hawkeye, or something like that, it's like when someone's dog dies, and they tell you about it, and they're like, Mr. Peanutbutter had cancer. You're like, that's funny. He has a funny name. It's funny if they die. Like Superman fell off a horse and is paralyzed. It is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The idea of it, obviously that's sad. Jeremy Renner, the human getting mauled by a snowplow, not funny at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like me and Red Dead getting hit by that deer, dude. That's a fucking out of nowhere freak accident, dude. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It actually is not funny, dude. Freak accent. Time out. Hold on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, uh, I watched a good one last night. It was called This Place Rules. You ever see the kid do the all gas, no brakes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Curly haired kid, wears a brown suit, does interviews. I think so. He's got a good one. It's on HBO. It's about what led to the Capitol rides. It's pretty great. Really? He's just going to different Trump rallies interviewing. It's a comedy, the way he interviewed people is comedy. He'd be like, how do you feel about this? And just let him go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would interview the craziest people. Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it did take a HBO-esque turn. What happened? Where they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, got a little biased. Did they really? A couple instances. Yeaah. Remember that? Nah, nevermind. Probably not my best takes here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean this episode will come out tomorrow, so. Yeaah. We're on the eve. This is January 6th, the eve of one of the greatest coups of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird. Yeah, cause at least when you see Mel, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was out there saying wild stuff. He got in trouble. No one likes him anymore. But you can't stop watching his movies. If he puts out a movie, everyone's like, fuck, it was actually pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh true. Andrew Tate's dad needs to take him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. I think they're hitting him with the walls they're closing in on. Yeaah. I think the left wants him gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking next to him? No, there was a porn one. Girls do porn. What was that? It was fucking nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They literally were. They trafficked, like, beauty queens. What? Sometimes. No, I mean, actually, the one was a missed, fuckin' estate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of them of course, there's some diamonds in the rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, they got sex trafficking because I think they frauded the girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a- I think they said they were gonna pay you a certain amount or they were like, we're actually not gonna put this out to- and they- they tossed it out. So that's trafficking, so- And then the guy got in trouble for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well shit, I should get some type of, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should get paid. For sure. There should be commercials like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Honestly, I have not done a lot of research. It happened a while ago. It happened like a year and a half or two years ago. Billy and Spud were the ones who broke it down. Girls do porn. Girls do porn. That guy was a sex trafficker and I was like, shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They check your webcam. Oh, I'm so afraid of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll snitch. I'll snitch right away. I'm gonna be gunner. I'm like yeaah. Slug showed me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely woke up late. He's lying about his car. He's lying about his car. That's his morning shit right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I know a certified Honda when I hear, when I hear a story about what happened to you, I knew it was not certified. It was not certified. I got a good deal though. The 150 point check, they would never, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you said I had to abandon my bussy. That's a pretty funny way to say take a shit. Do you think the tobacco has something to do with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you came in, you just entered probably one of the best episodes we've ever done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there was a porn thing called Girls Do Porn. It was the, I don't even know what they're called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This happened before, you called me when I was in the, oh this is good dude. He called me, I was like, I'm in the back of an Uber, I can't really talk right now. And he was like, what are you fucking kidding me? Just talk, who cares? And I was like, no I can't. Then the Uber driver pulls over and talks on the phone for 20 minutes. He just talked on the phone. I was just sitting in the back like, is this guy serious? He had a full conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are they cowards? If it comes up here, I'm gonna fuckin' give it a hell. I was hoping it would fuckin' sleep up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I did a fucking morning radio in Buffalo, I think it was, it was like 6 a.m. I had to be there. The fucking radio host zoomed in. I had to go to the studio. I was in the studio by myself and the guy zoomed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you, what year was it? Whitey Bulger time? In Boston? Yea. Yea? Yea. Do you have any stories?


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[Assistant] We have nice calls. You're a good guy to call. He goes out in his shed and smokes cigars. Perfect. He's always down for a phone call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm a little bit above. I'm not good at texting anymore either. I like don't respond to texts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read them, I do this thing where I read someone's text and I think about what I'm gonna say to them. And then I put my fucking phone away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I get another text that's three weeks later and I see the last couple with the typed message that I didn't send. Yeah, and then it's too much. And then, yeah. And it's like, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do know Santino. He's great. O'Connor opens for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I lift, dude, listen to ISIS song. Switching from the silence of, they're not gonna like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck it. Switching from this, switching from the silence of noise isolation mode to awareness mode to hear your surroundings is a breeze with Raycon's earbud tap functions. You go like this when your girlfriend's talking to you. Silent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know she was standing there because of my fucking Raycons that I have in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a 32 hour battery life. Honey, doesn't that sound nice? Best of all, Raycon gives you the same audio quality as other premium audio brands at half the price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, every single, when the SNL thing was happening, every single comedian was like, well if they're getting him, they're gonna get everybody. In my head the whole time, I was like, they're not gonna get you. Not you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just how fun was it talking shit with like Voss and all those guys when it was like actual shit talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite thing to listen to is Colin vs. Voss. It's an O&A compilation of those guys making fun of each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Voss was nice though. Voss was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to go, it's very fun to go stand in the doorway. That's the best. Especially if someone's bombin' and just standin' back there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Bobby, he does this to me all the time. I'll walk into a room, the first thing he'll say is he'll be like, fat joke or something nasty. And I'll be like, all right, everybody, he started it. Just so we're all clear. Cause in 10 minutes he's going to be going, you take it too far, dude. We used to be friends. Like all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good, that brings us to our next point. You do have to tell them, delete that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a treat. What a fucking absolute treat. What a treat, what a treasure. He's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice, let's switch over to Patreon. I got a nice kid rock story for you. Yeah, I have. Ooh, join the Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm excited for the Dream Talk. Dream Talk. Kid Rock Story from Nashville. Join the Patreon, dude. Also, for real, check out Killbox. Uh, Bobby Special. Bobby is really good at stand-up comedy. He's very funny. Goodbye, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She kept being like, that's not why she's here for. She's here to entertain.


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[Assistant] He's like, I'm down there. You got these white people down there all whacked out. He's like, I mean, I mean, I'm not a square. I can get down. I can get down. Obviously I got jumped into the gang. I got jumped in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in my head, I was like, I had literally 20 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was something of that sort, but it didn't come off, didn't come off good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Everything I say, I'm like, I'd hate for that to happen, always fucking happens, like, instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude, I should have. But I said, okay, fair enough. You know, there's multiple rounds. Hopefully I don't have to dance at all. Yeah, hopefully the next round you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a, yeah they had, the next round was people had to put water in their mouth. And not laugh. And not laugh. That's very fun. Dude, that was fun. We used to do that in high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's when I came, I'm like, it was genuinely, I was like, what the fuck, I, dude, it was so fucking funny. It was so fucking funny. Cause you're sitting there, this is a family event. And like, the one, people are going back, people stink so bad, they're just like, wouldn't get any laughs at all. It was, no, literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of a lose-lose if I were to be sexual, be very uncomfortable either way if I were sexual to the woman or the man present. And dude, it's like Britney's cousins and people started giggling. And they were just sitting there like, what the fuck? They were like, that was actually pretty good, that was pretty good. I was like, I don't know, should I pull down this man's pants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jeff Bec, I'll show you, this will pump you up so viciously. That's fucking Jeff Bec. Alright. He's the guitarist, guitarist, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, if you haven't, please, if you haven't discovered the smoke sesh, go on Patreon for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, man. Yeah, that sucks. There's no coming back once you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I love the people who get like sexual gratification from him stumbling. Every time Elon fucks up and people, like, you can tell they have a little bit of like a sexual release.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so stupid. It's so funny how globally fixated everyone is on like the most pointless thing that could be possibly happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, he's like Clark Griswold and everyone's like just treating him like a fuck up every day, but he's kind of just like trying to, trying to be pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's also trying to have like a hundred children and he just like scoops up ladies for a couple of years just to like pop one or two out and then he's like alright I see ya, next one. It's pretty weird stuff man. How many does he have now? I think he's got like 12 kids or something. How many kids does Elon have? It's like 12 or something. He's 12? I think his dad had like 20 kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is bizarre, yeaah. He has eight. Eight kids already. And he's gonna have more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many different baby moms? How many, how many, how many children does Elon Musk's father have? That's really fucked up.


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[Assistant] It is impossible. I have no vision into that. I cannot. I can't envision that ever.


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[Assistant] You're right, dude. They don't care.


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[Assistant] I always see that, I'm like, fuck. Mom's got like the phone tucked into her ear on her shoulder the whole time. Yeah, that's pretty fucked up stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, we went to the... Damn. I got a papa from a Latina this morning in front of my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, we were at the school winter concert that they do at the kids school. We were there to see Frizzy in his class sing a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marry Joan was hulked out for a second and then calmed down. Not that it needs to be the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a Puerto Rican lady dropping the gloves. Calling your man Poppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it doesn't like click all the way back on, you know, so it just falls off in your hand when you're holding the remote. So I went on Amazon and I got a green glow in the dark rubber sleeve that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holds it together. Cause a little bit of grip actually, the, I, the texture I actually would is, yeah, it's an improvement. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now my black remote doesn't- I don't lose it in the night time. That's fat. Which is when I watch my television.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How terrifying that must be to just be paralyzed under the green glow.


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[Assistant] I mean yea, first day of school, if that could be any worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about the, uh, what about the riddling craze of the 90s? When suddenly every kid had like hyperactivity disorders. Yeah. And they pumped all the kids full of riddling and now like kids are just like fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they like deprogrammed like rambunctiousness out of children?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. They slowed him down. Now, every kid is putting in 80 hours of Fortnite a week. Just not getting out of the gaming chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's, by the way, that's mental rock paper scissors, where it's like, is it something obvious, like water, or is it something ridiculous, like duck cum? Yea. I thought you were talking about the aquavite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was cool watching dudes dominate the launch room.


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[Assistant] That was a, that was a, that was a binary switch in your life and you went, I'm going to stick with athletics. There is the version where you fully dedicate yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell. Boom. It was wild. He was a secret X-Men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a row or? Uh, I mean. That was just his only getaway car.


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[Assistant] I think both of those kinda fuckin' suck compared to the champ Echo. Echo does rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude. That's throwing up metal horns in the fucking shop that you work at. Like, yea, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Pretty cool. I don't know if I have any Jedi ghosts in my life yet. I think everyone that's died has probably been a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hear me out. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's, let's do an Echo the Dolphin, and maybe that's stupid. Tell me, after we turn it off, tell me that's the gayest shit ever. Do an Echo the Dolphin thing. We have that playing over it. It's a good idea. It's a good idea. So that, like we can just listen to it. There you go. There's something visible going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this would be very chill. And the music in Echo of the Dolphin is like, I think sonically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, dude, so I had one the other day where, uh, she eventually came on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we had a good time with it for the rest of the day. But, uh, I was geeking out the other day how there's no such thing as a fat Asian chick. They're either Hawaiian or Samoan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And depending on what kind of Asian they are, they either end up Hawaiian or Samoan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta start wearing Hawaiian shirts, or like, doing like, Hakas, depending. Like, if you're from like, Laos or Thailand, you're for sure Simone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an even more selective group of people that look alike cause like for that they took the attractive ones. You know what I mean? You're looking at it and it's like, you know, attractiveness only has like a narrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dark hair, like hot raven hair ladies, it's just, it's the same chick. We're all thinking of the same chick.


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[Assistant] Nah, I'm one of those idiots dude. I get like sucked in. I almost got hypnotized at a hypnotism show where he brought people on stage and was hypnotizing other people. I almost got caught up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get hypnotized very easily. Fuck dude, that's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all anybody can talk about. We get hypnotized by sick outfits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which jewelry, which jewelry would you rock? Well, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had two eras of chains. One was like put upon me by my mom. She was trying to make me fly so bad. And then that got chained, that chain is the chain that got jacked by the midget. And then when I turned 18 and got my money from getting hit by the car,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People forget how much like being a hot guy involves baby powder. Oh yea. A lot of baby powder involved.


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[Assistant] It's an absolute must. When you live that lifestyle, when you're fly,


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[Assistant] Could you imagine? There's some people that never leave the house without powdered balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Okay. Yeaah, yeaah. It's- I- I do- I- I- I- I tried- There was a period in, uh- See, I didn't- I had a very small, like, fapping window, because I had so many people living in my house, and so many people were just- Tell me about it, brother. Dude, it was- it was tough. So, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very, a very limited amount of times that I got to fap through high school, but each time I tried a different thing. Nice. Yea. So like I, dude, I was jerking off with like conditioner. I also, uh, unfortunately tried shampoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very not good. And, uh, so yeaah. Conditioner of that soap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely keep your ass the best. So do you ever think, so, the other day, I was trying to force Ansley to admit that if I had more money, the first time I saw the pussy, it would have been presented better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? There's no possible way. There's a whole different set of makeup on the Pussy for Billionaire. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] There's not possible, there's not possible he has ever seen a pussy that looks like the pussy that I've-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of pussy you presented to me? Like what, what is, like what is my pussy? Like is it, was it as is? Was it like spruced up? Was it like? It's a good question dude. Yea. Yea. What was the answer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hearing a grown woman say like, forty-four a suck, sixty-four a fuck, that's a weird thing to hear a human say.


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[Assistant] That's a good time. We didn't have any prostitutes locations in my town that we could have talked about. It was all like this, like this seedy hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's like the ultimate fantasy for like a chick going to Puerto Rico, like giving a Puerto Rican dude a hand job on the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he turns to the camera, is he still doing a Mike Tyson impression?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, from a classically trained actor, it's gotta be dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, that was, that was the only thing. But it was a really hot button issue back then. Yeah, back, like, for the culture, it was like, well, why would she even go to a hotel room that late? Why would you go, you only go back to a hotel room with a man that late for one reason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Cause I think that was like part of his thing. He would get in fights with these ch- like he would get with like psych- like psychoish chicks. They'd get in a fight, and then they'd fuck. And I think one time...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do professional athletes leave pussies different than we do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was like, you know how like people always make the argument like well Dorn, Bill Cosby's time, they fucking did Quaaluz and fucked each other, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember as I was in college, it started to stop being cool to get a girl drunk to fuck her. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that was the way people fucked. Yeah. For like a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that was, I never fucked with that slippery sloop. Even, like, to this day, Ainsley and I, 23 years later, we're still together, have kids and stuff. When we were in college, I would not touch her when she was drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could spend a night, you know, but we're not doing anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you gotta keep in mind, in order for you to have that good time Charlie Bible on, there was somebody that schemed for that night to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was never anything that me and my boys did that didn't have like the B story of us trying to get pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I went to the college that I went to, the frats were on campus. So like, frat culture was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what I'm saying, I think maybe my, my, I might be a little skewed because I went to- I think frats were exclusively rape up until like 2014. They are like big rape country clubs for young men. And also a pipeline to corporate America is 1%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially at private colleges. So in my mind, it's just like, no, like all those bros on fucking Wall Street


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you take a percentage, if you take a look at those dudes, I'd say 30% of them were the dudes like pushing women to drink so their boys could fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, a lot of the dudes I knew that went from Lafayette to Wall Street were the types of, let's get them drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like when we were not when we were kids. For sure. Yeah, it was just like, again, it was- We gotta mature into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I fart out the gate. True. I'm day one. This is who I am. If you are that too, present yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I once heard an urban legend that somebody tried to hold in a fart and died, and I was like, never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they are now, well, the way I see it happening now is that we're letting them in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, but they're also infiltrating an area where they don't have to compete with skills because they're getting into like government and shit. Dude, there's this weird thing that's happening with government where they're taking minorities and they're saying, okay, now we have to figure out how to make the world a little bit like that country you and your people escaped. That was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's use a local example so we don't get too fucked up. So, they're trying to take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People from, like, they're trying to take black people. Get them into, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And they're trying to do it with like every pocket of every place now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be embarrassed by the shitty part of you. Everybody should acknowledge it. You shouldn't be afraid to be the shitty part of you. And they're trying to make America like a little shitty everywhere. They're doing it with like white people too. They're doing it with like people who are coming over from different white places too. It's like, yea let's make this like the place you fled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and it's uh, it's fucking everybody up. Like Russia? Like what are they doing for white people? Man, I had an example a second ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was this part of it when, uh, you know, when Lex was trying to get Kanye to apologize about saying, like, the Jewish media. And it took him a while to finally get to this point, but he made this point was like, like, can I say, uh, I want to start an all-black company?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Lex was like, yeah. And he was like, well, is that anti-semitic? And Lex was like, no. He's like, but if you flip it the other way...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can flip another way and it's anti-Semitic. Like what if I said I wanted to start a company and have no Jewish people work there? Dude, and he got him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, Lex was like, uh, well, uh, I mean, I just think this is all messed up. He fucking broke him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but it's the same, if you say you want to start an all-black company, that is the same thing as saying no Jews can work here. That's the same thing as saying no white people can work here. But that's not even the point. The point that he was making is he can't say Jewish media, but we can say, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the black, we can say, you know, we can like contextualize black people this way, but we can't do that to Jewish people, like why is that a problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they, they, they fall back on when they want the conversation to change. You know, it's like, that's the point that, that's the point Kanye was making, that's all I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I agree with. And that's why, I mean I think a larger part of his point is like, I get that me saying this is inflammatory, but it shouldn't be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also is very vocal about the fact that he's one of the current greatest minds on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it'll be like, yeah, and you know, so basically I'm like the modern-day Nikola Tesla and the Jews.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, so when we get on the Patreon, I wanna talk about this new sport that I want us to all get into. It's the sickest. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's what we should, if we find out that the Jews do control the media, we should be like, okay, that's fucking sick, you guys did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also have a higher percentage of geniuses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's get into that Patreon before Danny has an epileptic shock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, while we were talking earlier in the smoke sesh, I was inspired to come up with a product and app based off some stuff you were talking about, Francis. So there's this, uh, app for blind people called Be My Eyes and if you have it on the other side, they'll hit you up and you'll like read something for them, right? Like you should have, we just should be in the app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm curious about the conditions he would have wanted, like, when you think about your fantasy life, your upbringing, if you could change it, like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, like, did you mess around? Like, did you? Like, here's the question I'm ultimately asking you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there something that you ever did as a kid that your dad handled compassionately where you look back and you're like, man, if you would've fucked me up for that, I'd probably be a star right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I can tell you how many sugars my mom takes in her coffee. I swear to God. So if you ever have to go get coffee for my mom, she takes, uh, 15 sugars and 5 creamers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the crazy part. So she drinks like multiple of those throughout the day and then to get to sleep at night she has like eight excedrin p.m. Oh, yeah. Hell. Yeah, it's insane


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Francis, if you don't, if you don't, if you haven't picked it up, Butterly is from these environments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the Be My Guys app is also going to have an option for like black chicks to do a customer service for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did? Yeah, he was like, that's when black people flourished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's kinda weird too because black people also didn't necessarily want to use the same water fountain as white people because y'all kiss y'all dogs and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you were rebellious and you were reading because you couldn't. Yeaah. And now you can and black people are like eeeeh. It's not as fun anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause like, this is it, cause like, I think a celebrity would really easily be able to convince your wife that he only wants to eat her pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, like, when she turns the lights on to get dressed, I'm allowed to say creepy stuff at her naked body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might have like one very nerdy dude that can kind of do the robot and everybody claps. That's all. That's the only dance of Wakanda. That is fucked up too, I didn't think about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I want to display, uh, adequate mating behavior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine how traumatizing it is for that guy to see interracial children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not supposed to actually yell at other people's kids either. You're supposed to just watch them repeatedly do something really bad and annoying for an entire like activity. And every time you look at your wife you go, you fucking believe this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not quite key to the city's type citizenry, but you should get like, I dunno, key to the supermarket or something. Something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You deserve it. You ever see when like, Spider-Man saves like a supermarket full of people and everyone like turns and goes like, hell yea Spider-Man, you should get a little bit of, you should get a taste of that if you're doing that kind of thing. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way. What if he's like, you need to hear this? It's vital to your future.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my whole family was sick and I felt like a homesteader defending the last of my bloodline. It was nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could barely move. I did. We recorded Dad Meet on Tuesday and I like was like kind of coughing and I had a fever and I was like I just need to sleep. I'm gonna get under some blankets and just sweat this out. It'll give me like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, yeaah, he had 104.5. Jesus Christ. I was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, this is crazy. Yeaah, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do we, what's the trade off though for that kind of like significant drawback? What are we getting that's like sick? Is it like- What do you mean? Like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a cultural moment on the internet of people falling for like some pretty wack, small dick guy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's fucked up. Yeaah, cause I think they uh, the reputation may have uh, faded away. I think most of like the stereotypical like, shit you hear out of African Nails, like yeaah, a guy is like eating people's hearts in the jungle right now. Yeaah, like brood and shit. Yeaah. It's craziness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta feel nuts though, having your head cut off, knowing that you did it right, in the divine sense, and you're just like, here we go dude. Yeah man. Catapult to heaven. Yup. For my purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude. Naeem, that is the worst part, is that it's gonna be recorded, and you're just gonna be, you're gonna be like an Instagram reel for just like a, like a loud black guy to be like, yo, what's up, it's your boy Mongo Man, it's all day, we doing react videos, okay, what's going on here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have something ready to go where like, if you don't activate like a safe phrase every like seven days, something gets sent out to the media and it's evidence that Drew Montana murdered you in your sleep. Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, maybe like a Price is Right game here and there. That'd be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That very much lines up with my own uh, personal ethos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My like worst hard ass uncle, like just a total ball breaker to everybody. You get to a body of water crossing and he gets out and makes like he switches with whoever's in the passenger seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very special announcement. I'm trying to find the exact, uh, the exact thing. What is the exact verbiage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think we just have to do a, uh, we have to just mention the on sale. The thing is on sale. It's on sale right now? Yea. Oh hell yea. At the beginning of the episode, which is right now, perfect. Nice. It's on sale. The live event is on sale. At Moan House. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? It's a moment. It's a live stream from moment house. What is it though? What is the show? It's just a live stream. It's a, it's a show. It's a special show. It'll be a live podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, 10 bucks, get back here. I guess I'll watch it. Fuck. I guess I'll check this out. But yea, that's gonna be, that's the future. Streaming stuff is the future.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well those shows also completely warp people's minds as to like the actual timeline of construction projects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know somebody who did this recently and they were saying like, you know, we had a contractor and they were like, they can't get anyone to work because of COVID. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fight. It's a fight and it's also, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough position. That's like Caesar mode for wives too. Cause then they have like, all of a sudden there's like a team of like, Hispanic immigrants. Might even say Mexicans, a lot of times Guatemalans and Brazilians as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, they get the lore, dude. They're on their chase lounge, they just get like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six month period, I can just be like, move that there. Switch the sink.


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[Assistant] Just all fueled by a bank and then your mortgage goes up by like 500 bucks a month. It's pretty crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get to be Cleopatra. Yeah. For like four months, and be like, I don't like it. What's that spot on the wall? I don't like it. Call the painters in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the one day contract's like, we're done. Fuck you. And you're like, hey hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, a lot of, it all depends. We had a remodel in our house, and it was, and I'm not just saying this, but like they literally banged it out as fast as humanly possible. We had like a looming pregnancy deadline, which is a fucking nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, my parents would have loved it. My mom would have loved it. My dad would have loved it too.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Especially if the kids just go and make a big mess and leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just now introducing Mai to the concept of turns, and it fucks her up so bad. She's, when it's her turn, she's all like happy, and I'm like, she's like, I'm like, no, it's my turn. She's like, and she'll sit there every two seconds like, is it my turn? I'm like, it's not your turn. You have to wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to do it to my sister with Animal Planet, where you'd just be like, pfft. But she would just, dude, two inches from the TV, hold down, it was her Alamo. She'd be on Animal Planet, feet touching the wall in front of the TV, watching. We're like, what the f- you watching these guys fucking jerk horses off? Come on. Shut up! Come on. Yeah. Trying to watch reviews in Butthead, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And shop online to snag some of the best deals of the holiday season on premium audio products from Raycon. Their wireless earbuds, headphones, and speakers offer premium sound, comfortable fit, and up to 54 hours of battery life at half the price of other premium


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[Assistant] Audio Brands. But plus, Raycon makes it even easy to shop for every Tom, Dick, and Sweet Baby in your life.


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[Assistant] Oh, save even bigger and get 30% off Raycon's exclusive holiday bundles. That's buyraycon.com slash drenched for 20% off your Raycon purchase. Buyraycon.com slash drenched. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, dude, it's uh, the remodel stuff can definitely, they can destroy the marriages. And dude, people do do a thing where it's like, they'll call a contractor and be like, uh, when you come in like, right now, they're like, no, we have like nine other clients. We'll put you on our schedule. How long?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if they're not, if a contractor isn't busy, there's a reason usually. It's cause either they stink or they're a shyster. So a lot of people will just like, get these cut, these guys will come in low, no, no, no. It's typically not the case actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really do, I think the internet's just starting to like get like something caught inside of whatever like mechanism is just moving it all around. It's starting to get like, it's like an old lawn mower that's getting clogged with grass. Like there's, it's just like nonsense, like they're just like Trump, I didn't know, now I know who the guy is now that I saw him. Kanye Trump Fuentes is just like a completely nonsensical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just like, what, what is this? He's just like, oh my god guys, Trump yelled at me, said I'd never be president. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't see anything on the other side, and you're just like, fuck this is gonna be so sick, and he's gonna hit his thirties and be able to peak what the rest of his life is gonna be, and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I would have been in a house with like a pile of oxycontin and cocaine and been like, this is where I was really going down. I'm selling Promethysine. Cause I think it's kind of funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, it's, it's a nightmare. I watched, we watched him say that one thing.


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[Assistant] It, it, it, well the, you know, like the, what is it, white nationalists, the whole thing is like we're being ousted, we're getting replaced and all this stuff. It's also like dude, but at the same time it's like free market capitalism is the way to be. It's like dude, if a Mexican dude's better at capitalism than you, you can't all of a sudden become like a weird type of communist.


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[Assistant] You're sitting there being like, I have a problem with optics. It's like that guy's gonna come right in and just suck your body out.


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[Assistant] That was very funny though, when the dude, uh, when the other guy got like, the gamer guy got attacked, Beardson Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, the whole thing is like, dude, I'm just dancing on the edge, people don't understand. I'll be honest, I watched that and I was like, dude, do I do that kind of stuff? The whole time, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the thing that gets me, is they'll get caught, they'll be like dead, apparently look like they're serious on a thing, then get busted and be like, fucking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like dude, if you're fucking around, luckily I can just be like dude, I'm just an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, you know, tool, fun, messing around is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, as soon as, what we can't do is just start an organization. As soon as you start an organization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just so funny, it's like, dude, we're gonna have immigrants? To be like, well, we can't have infinite immigrants, like, you're right on that, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like hearing the tales of how people got into the country. That always does excite me. I hear about it. I was talking to someone who came in when they were like, uh,