[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus man, that's a, that's a tough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever, did you hear about Doctor Disrespect? Who's that? Doctor Disrespect is a Twitch streamer who apparently just got, he had like a million dollar, um, million dollar deal signed and then they just took his deal away and they're not saying why. So people have been freaking out trying to figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he got in trouble because he filmed himself in a public bathroom one time and like the camera panned by a little kid he was peeing on the way out. So it was like, it was just like the back of three people. And they were like, what the fuck, so he got in trouble for all that. He was just like, hey, I'm in the bathroom fucking around, there happen to be other people in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His whole life is public, dude, so people would have found out, so I guess he wanted to get ahead of it. I hear what you're saying, it's not really people's, like- No. It's not really their biz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then again, Bezos, I mean, that's kinda what comes with the territory though. Bezos got caught cheating. Oh man, dude, I looked up to him as a business mentor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, whatchamacallit. What the fuck was that, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so we're talking about your private life. I read an article in the, I think it was, no, it was The Economist about women models who go around the club scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so basically like, you know, so you own a club, right? You have people who like, you know, you know, a bunch of like tech guy who are doing like tech startups and people who have like just old money. So you would hire me as a club promoter and I'm like, I'm a man. I hang out with all the models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly dude, so I'm coming, I mean, I'm just saying hypothetically. So it's like my job would be to, I'd go to start going to like all of these other clubs and just telling models like, hey, like come with me, I'm going to put, you put models up in a hotel and like, you know, you basically pay, you subsidize their living.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just hot chicks, you bring them into a club and then got like, uh, you know, silicone valley tech executives will come and then spend like thousands of dollars on bottles. But you have to like, you're not like a pimp, but you're somebody like the girls want to leave. You have to be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll have bottle races, so they'll come out and it'll just be, there's, you know, they're all over, they're all over the world. So like you'll go to a place, you'll have these guys who'll just, you know, you get a percent of their bar tab, but you have to find these model chicks. And dude, these are girls from like, a lot of times from like Ukraine and like these, you know, these places where they're just like hot young chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's a whole industry off of just hurting them around powerful businessmen, and they feel kind of cool and important, just like being around them. And then, you know, eventually these guys like might fuck them, might not. But they're saying the promoters will like hide their jackets and shit, so like when they want to leave, like they fucking can't. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's like the, that's kind of like, that's like a whole industry in itself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy invented, yea, Pokemon Go. It's like, go fucking, go stand, and they even found too, the chicks are, they need to be super skinny. Cause they've analyzed like the bar tabs and stuff, so they can't just be like slim, they need to be super skinny and tall. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like it's that like kind of model mystique, so these billionaires could be like, yeah, these are like the model archetype that I'm sh- I should be around right now because I'm a young, successful tech executive or whatever. So they tried bringing like slim, they've measured women who are like just slim, they check the bar tabs, they're significantly lower. Based on like the chick size, it's fucking nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thick girls tend to be the waitresses. Oh, you bring some fats around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, with like the Delia shit, it's just like, he was going for, he's going for young bro. He was going for young. I'm not, and the problem is, I'm not trying to like, slam the dude. It's like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did none of his friends, all of his friends were like, look, I had no idea. It's like, alright. Do I buy it? No. But it's like, you know, I don't know. I've watched everyone's reaction to that. Like, I just want to stay for the record. I did not know he was fucking young chicks. I know he liked chicks. I didn't know they were young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if, I don't, you know. I'm not shitting on the dude. It's just, again, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and this is what they're saying people are kind of against of like, you know, as a dude with a bunch of money and prestige, you're not supposed to go after young chicks. You're not supposed to be trying to fuck them. And it's like, I can agree. It's, it's not the best for your personal situation to go for like, you know, I'm talking like mega success, mega influence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, it's like, what's the fucking, you know, so okay, we're gonna say like, yea, maybe it's weird to be 40 and try to fuck 20 year olds. Although, you know. Is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, it's probably not the best thing if you're 40 years old and you're like bopping around with a 20 year old. Like there's a huge time gap and like if you can sit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In past time with a 20 year old girl, something's probably kind of wrong with you if you can lay afterwards and be like, yeah, it's so fucked up. Your friend's being mean to you, man. That's fucking crazy. Anyway, it's my second house. And there's like, what the fuck are you talking about? But when people try to be like, oh, that's just fucked up and weird. It's like, well, yeah, but like again, buy it like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Biologically speaking, this sounds really bad, but it's like, you know, 23- dudes are looking- dudes are looking for signs of fertility. That is like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, pigged out. He pigged. But when people are like, aw man, it's fucked up, you shouldn't, like, like, what's the age then? If you're, what is it, like five years, six? Like, Muslims figured it out, half your age plus seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said Muslim rule is half your age plus seven. So I think the, in the book, the guy was like 34 and had like a, I don't know the exact math. It would have been 34 is what, like 17 plus seven, 20 something, 24. I'm gonna take a stab.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like. That's actually pretty good. But then back then in the, you know, according to the book Alex Haley in Roots, who yeah, did get people, but it's funny too, people, the book came out and people were like, motherfucker. And they're like, I'm going to, I'm going to sink this fucking thing. But they were, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the, in the beginning of it, in this village, there's people there and it's like, if you were, so if you're a lady and you say you're like 35 and your husband dies, you're allowed to take in like a second 18, let's just call it 18, back then it might have been like 16 or 17 in the, you know, ancient village. Yeah. But you would take in a young boy and train him in the ways of sex and then release him to his wife. If you're, if you were a widow, uh, if you were a widow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in the book Roots, that's if you were a widow or, you know, I mean, you know, I don't think back then chicks just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is such a strange genre, dude, of someone to come up with, of a girl who's just physically stuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a weird loophole, like, that's technically, that has to be still rape. It's rape. It's like, well, no, if she's stuck. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it would be so much sadder in reality if your mom was actually stuck. Yeah. She was like helpless in your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, I can't even, so I've been, I have like a, I must have like a six dayer in me. Like, I've, I've literally- Right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear, I think so. I think so. I think my prostate's snapping those dumps. Dude, I can't. Every time I'm like, tonight's the night, dude, I'm gonna do this. I like either get in the shower and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's no good time, because usually like in the morning, I'm like, alright, Brittany, you sleep, I'll have my kid for a while. I'm not gonna like put my kid to sleep while my kid's sleeping, like run to the bathroom and jerk. I can't, dude, I can't do that. And like, to get caught on the watch, to be like jerking on the watch, is just like, I can't start off like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, well, why'd you guys break up? When you were an infant, your dad left you to go jerk off. It's like, yea, I can't come out like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then at night time, it's like I used to do my shower, my shower ones, and I'm like, I just, I can't get caught jerking off now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like before I'd be like, I'd roll the dice hard. Now I'm like, I just don't want to get caught. Yeah. So just what happens is once every like week and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your phone does track your facial expressions. Cause they wanna see like how you're reacting to things in real time and they send that information out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they want to, yeaah, Facebook especially, I think social media sites started a thing where like, when you're looking at your phone and you like, you scroll down, they do things to like, they'll measure your facial expressions to see how you react and they typically try to give you stuff that's getting more reactive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure there's some great logical conclusions there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I, it's inseparable, whenever you're like, there, these arguments are so strange because you're like, well, inseparable Hal, they're like, fuck you, dude. And you're like, I just want to know how that's like, Oh, the chop, the chas dude, dude, I looked into it. So what did you tell me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I can't steal Spud's stuff anymore. It was like, oh, I just would come in here and Spud would talk to me all day and I'd be like, well, take this. For a lot of stuff, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No man, they, uh, fuck dude. They're so funny. Me and Tony, me and Spud got in a legitimate argument about fucking this shit. Yes, but the Chaz. About what? About this whole thing of like, I'm like, dude, he was like, basically it was, I was like, dude, I get it, like, and I, look, you shouldn't holistically, I get, I get the idea that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't serve you to have relationships where you just physically use a younger person's body as a four year old. But he was, you know, I was like, but!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 23 year old chicks are just hotter, they're hot, and I'm not just like saying this objectively, it's like, when you do that Billion Wicked Lies book, and again, like, don't do this, obviously, you're supposed to be a man and fight against this, but the Billion Wicked Lies book,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Smaller- that's why guys love smaller feet. When women have smaller feet, they tend to be more fertile. At least according to the- Ew. Wicked lot. I never got the foot thing. Never into it myself. But again, that's what guys like, like tiny little feet. Like, oh man, her feet are so small, blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Damn. Yeah, man. Uhm, but yeah, the Chaz. Yeah, so we were arguing, I was like, dude, I'm not saying young chicks are hot, I'm just saying, they're hot. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's not up to me that they're hot, and I'm even like- Now you speak my language. I have the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What also is funny is you had the one they were talking about deleting Snapchat. And dude, first of all, there's all these YouTubers I watch who I'm like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their whole channel is just them showing you something else and be like, what do you think of that? Yeaah. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The segment did suck too, it was just them being like- He's like, oh you can delete-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conversation blew. They were like, look out, look at this lady. And he was like, she's hot. And the other guy was like, I would love fucking, oh man, if I was a kid and someone sent me tits, I would jerk off so hard. It's like hilarious. But the, uh, hilarious, not hacky at all. I don't know why you call us a hacky podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, but I'm telling you, there's a thing now though with like the Delia situation, it's like, it's like a soul-reaping. If you're like a YouTuber, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be like older feminists have to tell younger chicks like, no, you're wrong. So like in order for that, that whole thing to kind of come full circle or whatever, it would be like, look, like I know you think you're killing it right now, but you're being used by 40 year old men. But then at the same thing tells women like, yeah, you rock. Do what you want, girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if I get a regular job, I'm gonna do that and be like, well, why do you think you deserve this raise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on a quest right now to lose like 10 pounds just to get my bae that extra quarter inch that, you know, that's for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've lost, I'm like a hundred, I'm up like a hundred and ninety-some, obviously, shout-out to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, dude, I, I was watching the video before, like when it, before I even saw the comments, I was like, damn, I look like a pizza shop owner. I have pizza shop owner body where it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shorts on. You can't see my legs, dude. You can't see my legs. But yea, the shirt, the last one was like tight in a weird way, where it's like, is that guy kind of jacked? He's like, nah, he's a gut. He looks like a pizza shop owner. It's like, I'm straddling the line, so. Oh, but dude, the Chaz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked on the internet, I couldn't find that anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a bad idea. I used to, uh, yeaah, I used to sit there and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I used to get those messages all the time on my Instagram like this and another thing in the chat. You see people like firing guns everywhere and it's like I'm very, very cautious about propaganda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm looking around, but then like I look, you know, cause it's like, I don't want to like watch a three second clip of like an alt right now this and be like, and another thing they're doing. Oh, that was like super debunked. True. But dude, it is. So they're saying that their actual like security, Paul Blarts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a lot of, uh, concealed, they're saying they have a lot of concealed guys who are just walking, like basically air marshals. I watched an interview where a guy goes around the world and he goes to basically occupied zones and interviews like how does it work, how are you setting it all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he, you know, he's been all over the world, he went to the Chazz, or the Chop, however you say it. Chop. Excuse me. And the, uh, yeaah, and he was kinda saying that like, they're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got Psyop last week about the fucking, he, he claims Noose, the fucking NASCAR guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's like, fuck it, I'm sticking to noose. I think. FBI's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Bubba, Bubba does look like Travolta by the way. That was one thing that I had to point out. He looks exactly like John Travolta. You love Travolta. Sorry, he's on my mind right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought they were talking about his home garage, like someone like slid under the garage door. Oh, Indiana Jones did. And then like on the way out like, he was like, hit the door and jumped over the fucking garage door thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toss that in there. Like that's gonna see, like he's gonna be like, I'm done with this. Don't get me wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did that show in the coal hole, and I remember I like, walked down the street over there. Oh, were you there? Jesus Christ. Were you there that night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so fucking fun. Well actually think about this, in terms of like the NASCAR garage system, they're like the only not they know how to do, they're like, throw a noose on it. That's the only not. How do you do this? Simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got caught with a NASCAR. First of all, that must be like the Red Scare NASCAR dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that could even, he could have even thought, like, I'm gonna run this motherfuck, and it was such a quick time that his muscles actually, you know that actually happens? You know what, if you're up high,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you look over the edge, you know, it feels like someone's kinda pushing you from behind. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you got drunk and put that out, you would've woke up the next morning and been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a, yeaah, that's like a low-key confederate flag, but who's that guy? He's like, dude who said the N-word got cancelled and called him down. If you're wearing a cut-off, well I guess that only comes in cut-off though. Yeah. You can't buy a Kyle Larson to get like a 4X cut-off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to the chat. So I'm glad we got some race talking. This podcast has been lacking. Not enough racism. No, I'm talking about race. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I was watch- I was watching the Chaz thing, and I was like, alright, you know, again, I'm only- the only thing I'm getting is like, people walk through there, and then give you like, you know, here's what it is, and the first one's like the super peaceful thing, the other one is this guy walking through being like, these fucking idiots, blah blah blah, you know, doing all this shit, like I think the one thing he said was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, he like mentioned some technology. He was like, oh, so maybe they should not use this technology. Then it's like, no, this isn't. He was basically claiming like white people invented this, therefore the Chads can't use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. But that he tried, you know, but the, the, so basically the, my point is the videos themselves are like, it's hard to find one that's giving you the straight dope. You know what I mean? Cause they're like this, everyone's just chilling. It's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well then did you see the guy who got shot and then tried saying that he was actually shot by, like, KKK guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're saying like, yea, one side's like, all this is Antifa doing this, the other one's like, these are right-wing provocateurs. The thing that I was watching that I was like this, it's kind of funny and maybe I'm just wrong, is like, all these people organize and they're like, we figured it out. We need to get, we're gonna get rid of cops. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could have been all a KKK guy, honestly, you don't know. Yeah, but the point I'm saying is like, they're doing this in-depth social analysis, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who pays cops? It's like, you know, these are like, they have all of this, like I read it, I read an article, you know, obviously the tax payer, but like who's setting that up? And they're like, we're occupying this. It's like, dude, somebody's allowing you to do that. There could be someone for all, you know, who's like, again, like the news is owned by billionaires. They see this chash shit and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a little too far. They could very well send guys in and start sniping people. Just be like pop, pop, hitting people. But again, if there are people there-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also a notice of a shout out to like almost every city now for having all their police chiefs and like captains are all black ladies. Philly, Philly, the guy stepped down, they have a black lady. Uh, whatever, the Chaz police lady. I mean, it's a smart move, dude. As soon as someone gets shot, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. Black lady, get out there. I'm gonna tell them something. Yeah, tell them how it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel about black conservatism or black conservatism, Lamar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are a racist. True. You are a racist. I do think it'll be funny in like 30 years, you know, when they're like, you know, or like, whatever, however long that was ago, when they had like separate bathrooms and like, you guys had separate bathrooms in like 30 years from now. They used to call black guys who were in the GOP black conservatives. It's like, yeah, we just had a separate title. It is weird. It is weird. We need to start calling them black democrats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got all caps, which is sick. They should give it all caps. Black should be like capital B, capital L, capital A, capital C, capital K. That would be, that's the real deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, yeah. I'd glad, dude, I don't wanna, you know, fall, I don't wanna like, toot my own horn, but I'd gladly rock a number nine font in the newspaper, dude. Just, you know, I think that's all I can, that's the least I can do. How, how f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dude, exactly. I only expect proper nouns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the uhm, so this is my problem with the chat stuff. It's like, so you have these guys in there who are in there like, you know, they're all, they're like, we occupied this space. It's like, you know, people are allowing you to, the powers that be are allowing you to occupy this space. Well, they're like, alright, what the fuck are we gonna do with this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I read this thing, someone gave me an article from this thing called the Bellows and they were talking about social media posting. How social media posting is literally, it's not like a conversation, it's like as if you were to go to the top of the mountain and just be like, just scream, you know, if you're like a white liberal lady, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel like doing that. They're like, you have to. You have to tweet right now. It becomes this thing where like, who benefits from this? Oh, fucking Twitter. You know, in a weird way. And they were saying how like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so you had like before like the, you know, the racism of the South with like, you know, they were saying it was very like parochial where like, you know, at least like the guy would be, you know, they'd be like, you'd have someone like, you can't have black people here, blah, blah, and they're fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now it's got replaced with a system that like, just doesn't give a fuck about anybody. And they were saying how like, the jobs Goll got sold out overseas. So like, when it was time for like, black dudes finally getting in the factories, those jobs were gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like they're, you know, which, you know, is a shitty trade off, but it was like being in the South where people hate you versus being like an absolute just like number in a system that like literally doesn't give a fuck about anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that system is what's kind of perpetuating all this stuff. Like, yea, we're capitalizing guys, come on, we're capitalizing the thing. But still, it's like, they can totally fuck you over in like, any second. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So, you know, the article was fucking good, man. It was really good. Yeah, I saw that. But they're, like, they're saying, like, they just gave all the jobs away. They're like, fuck it, we're not paying these guys. We'll just have, like, literal slaves in sweatshops. And then it was, like, there was a period, then they were talking about, like, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventies and eighties were like, they're just weren't, they're like, like imagine if there was just not enough jobs and you were one of the persons or one of the people that were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a million jobs. I'm like a million and twenty. And there's just not a job. There's just no matter what I do, there's just not a fucking job. So you're trying to explain that to people and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, but the problem is there's this apparatus of police, you have this gigantic system of like just corporations that just have been plaguing, just going around extracting as much money out of things as they can, doing whatever the fuck they need to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, propagandizing people, you know, from like, you know, buying politicians, propagandizing people to get their politician to win, wreaking total fucking havoc. And it ends with like, alright, we'll cut the police budget. And everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We figured it out and it's like, you got completely diverted. It's like you did nothing. It's not gonna do anything. Like alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will, honestly though, the only way I would actually support that is if they started profiling like white pussies, like, what you doing? What are you guys doing here? Like, ehhh. Just fucking roughing them off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta be careful not to get stuck. You're bringing a white claw. I coulda got stuck. You coulda got stuck between two slick racing tires, dude, with a white claw. They saw that, dude. They saw me with a white claw.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like when people use white beer, like, what are you drinking? Wine? Pussy. Like, what are you drinking? A Pilsner, dude? Like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my, uh, he was telling me that like his father-in-law will just, he has a phone and he'll just pull up like, you know, like conservative now this clips. It's all, you know, pull them up, dude. But he has, you know, those battery chart packs where like it's an external battery and you plug it in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Just plug it back, dude. It's so fucking fun. And then to have the battery pack chargers be like. Yeah, I'm not done yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, that's all that matters right now. But no, that's, that's good. That's highest concurrent view. I mean, it's not, it's no London real, I mean, you know, you have to get, dare I say, David Icahn to get that up into the millions. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many takes does this kid have by the way? Cause you know he starts getting paid on YouTube, you start hitting marks on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not doing shit. And my mom's side of the family, they're all just skinny mix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you get kicked off of YouTube x amount of times, can you just create a new email and create a new account on YouTube?


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[Assistant] And they settled, so September 22nd, I'm getting a settlement.


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[Assistant] The news is like, well, I'll tell you this, I'm not allowed to leave, I'm drinking a 20 year old bottle of scotch, a client gave me, and uh, yeaah.


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[Assistant] 110 that lives in who gives a fuck Montana. It's like.


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[Assistant] Why do they shut down cum towns? Uh, cause they said faggot constantly.


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[Assistant] From what I've seen, most of them are just like Down syndrome kids and they're like, look at Shane.


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[Assistant] We were watching Portland on Friday, somebody was live streaming. That was about to get nuts.


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[Assistant] Dude, Wendy's got cancelled, right? Their Twitter account.


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[Assistant] Hell yea. Yea, that's why, that's why stand-up's not going anywhere, dude.


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[Assistant] Nothing, nothing beats being in the room, dude. Well, the only thing that's- I've seen a lot of shitty comics seem really funny by being in the room.


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[Assistant] True. But, you know, I don't know. I listened to most of Louie's special before it came out. True. When it came out I was still like, hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so too. Hot twenty minutes. Forty-five. Forty-five to an hour is a little long.


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[Assistant] We are live. So what happened? You put on a guy and everybody shit on him or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was- Turn it off or refresh. I was a real snob during the grant on the history channel. Oh, you were- I was a real snob, dude. Did you hit any- I was like, hitting facts before they said them, just looking at my parents like, pfft. This is- everybody knows that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I support it. I'm happy for you. I supported you. It was fun. When I got wind of it, I was like, oh, that's a sick episode. It was fun, man. It was a good time. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny, someone just had a squished flag in their closet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Good. Well, I'm good. You're addressing your fucking haters. It's important. It's important to respond to those fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what's he up, what's he doing? He was complaining about the podcast, dude. He was like, I try to turn it on, it's just you and your buddies talking about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I walk downstairs, my sister's getting her hair cut by my other sister. Classic bowl cut in the kitchen from the Gila sisters from Slammin' Sarah and Fart McGuire. Just shaving a bowl cut into Fart McGuire.


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[Assistant] I gotta, yeah, I can't do it anymore because it's receding, but I used to, we used to all have straight bowls.


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[Assistant] I could go to like the Hispanic bowl. You know what I mean? The one that's like at the top, like a yarmulke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you know, she's got two kids running around, so it's, it's, tensions are high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I came down the steps. Oh, I was called to hold her kid while she was getting the bowl cut. I was in the middle of the orcs where the greenskins were attacking my draculas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was yelled, I was summoned by Fart McGuire to come downstairs during her bowl cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While the greenskins were impeding onto my fucking sacred land. Can you pause? You could, but I was in the middle of a battle. True, yeaah. And the computer was running hot when it's in a battle. Yeaah, true. So I had to finish the battle. And it took long because for some reason the fast forward button wasn't working. So I just had to play it. So it took like maybe 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I came downstairs and I couldn't, you know, I couldn't divulge that it was because the greenskins were attacking my vampires. That was secret information. I was like, I was working on something. But that started, there was a lot of tension and then Phil came in from working outside and hit me with the fucking, I just listened to your podcast.


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[Assistant] It's you and your friend talking about wiping your ass for 20 minutes. You're not allowed to take mom's car anymore.


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[Assistant] So he, he hit me with the year grounded. Cause the cruise was in the shop. So you're fighting the greenskins? You're fighting your dad? I got the greenskins coming down from the mountains.


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[Assistant] I just, dude, I just united all the vampiric clans. Yea. Alright.


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[Assistant] What do you mean you don't know? We were going off wifi on that?


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[Assistant] He just screams at them and they wait a half hour. And every single stream is a half hour late, and this is why.


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[Assistant] Because if you think the guys who do podcasts are losers, imagine the people fucking working behind the scenes.


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[Assistant] It's good, it's good for these people to see it. True. But yeaah, I had to address Phil for that. Yeaah. Can't have that.


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[Assistant] It wasn't that hard of a beef, but everybody wanted it to be. The women in the family were like, oooooh. They got, they hit me, tried to gas me up. You know what I mean? They're like, damn, Phil just crushed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were like, Phil's the fucking man. He just dunked on you. He walked in the room and dunked. He did though. I mean, hitting me with the, you're not allowed to take your mom's car anymore. Such a fucking dick move. He knows my car was in the shop.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's sweating. Tit, tit sweat. He was just cutting, he was just cutting along. Which I've been volunteering. I've been saying let me cut the lawn. I enjoy cutting the lawn.


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[Assistant] It's a, it's a walk, it's a walking motor. It's a good walk. I enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, a battle. I got supporters. We had a very big victory this week on the internet. Why? Uh, because the sexual pest was brought to justice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laughing the entire day. True. And then, well, probably for like an hour or two, and then I started to realize like, ah, it's not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're just taking an accusation we found on Twitter and we're gonna try to really ruin this guy's life. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you saw Hitler, you'd be like, alright, beat it, beat it, pass. Yea, I don't know, I don't, I don't care that much, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Months. But again, there was, you know, there was- Here's also the seedy underbelly that gave birth to Shane. And it was just an article about Legion of Skanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is the problem with going live though. I think this is where we would hit the old reset on a regular episode, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one with the hookah lounge upstairs. So now, we performed there.


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[Assistant] Here's what happened. He also was, I vaguely remember him bragging about having a gun at that point.


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[Assistant] That's good, MAGA privilege is good cause then the left will start using that. Cause then they don't have white privilege. The real thing is MAGA privilege. It's not theirs. Democrats don't have the privilege.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just adding chaos, which is what women do. Whenever there's an incident, they're just yelling. Just nothing but adding chaos, even though it does sound like she was saying the right thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had to be a black dork. Because a regular black dude is not going to be like, you guys are not socially distant. Exactly. This is- This sounds like a black dork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was Claire's, like, best, she was, she, you know, anytime you date a girl and you do stand up, they immediately are like, I could do stand up. Sure. And, uh, I used to always make her like, I'd be like, alright, give me one bit, like, let me hear your best bit. And hers was, uh, about bicycle messengers. And I forget exactly what it was, it was, did they do heroin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking fascists, dude. They keep- I got cut off by several fascists in North Philly on the way down here. Did you? Did you really? The fascists keep cutting me off. I didn't realize how many fascists lived up in North Philly, dude.


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[Assistant] You see that fascist that hit those two ladies at the Black Lives Matter protest?


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[Assistant] We stand with the, our friend, our dear friend, the guy.


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[Assistant] I wonder if he had one of those Trump commemorative guns. I think I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The gunner, or the lawyer basically had the DeLeo argument. Pretty much. He was like, maybe you think it's crazy, but it's legal. So, fucking let him do his thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, granted, he did get a gun pulled on him, but.


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[Assistant] Just hypothetical. Say you saw a couple African Americans in North Philly. Maybe hanging out. Wherever. Just hanging out. Nah, let's say they're fascists from North Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's say these particular fascists are in North Philly. Sure. And you approach them and were like, you guys are not socially distancing. Yea. How do you think they perhaps, not that this matters. Sure. But how do you think they might handle it?


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[Assistant] I saw, oh man, it's funny. There's a black dude working construction at the top of my neighborhood. He had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His pants low. And in my head, just while I was driving, it'd be, I was like, man, I wish, I wish we were close enough as a country that I could roll my window down and be like, hey, pull your fucking pants up. Nah, I'm just playing around, man. Have a good, like, just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't like, be like, I'm being racist. Nah, it was a gag. I'm just kidding. Good luck, man. True. But it would be fun to just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, LeMare, LeMare, we were talking about like, people who had been cancelled and LeMare was like, Cosby's the only one that's in jail for it. It's like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only one, if you get canceled, you're black, you go to jail, dude. True. Well, yeah, because it's so hard to get canceled as a black dude. You literally have to commit 90 rapes. It's impossible in Hollywood to get canceled as a black guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cosby. I was too young for the Cosby show, I never really gave a fuck. And then I thought, I literally have still never seen him do stand up. Ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that's a good take. I've never watched Cosby do stand up. I've seen like Eclipse and I've been like alright.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, he did one where he just sat in a chair. I saw that. Yeah. Saw that, like, that must have been his most recent one. Where he's just in like a living room on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so and he, he really, you know, Lamar, do you still defend Cosby?


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[Assistant] That's, that was easy, that's a hack one. Nobody's fucking even said one thing about how sick my polo is.


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[Assistant] I've been rocking the 15 or 16 for a while. Really? That might be a 15.


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[Assistant] Dude, all my clothes are literally five to six years old.


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[Assistant] Some of these are from 2012. Usually around 2000. I think that was the last time I had money. Around 2012. Was like 2012-13. That's when I had the polos. Dark period until now. Now I'm breaking out new polos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My Amazon algorithm. He didn't buy anything. He literally didn't buy anything. It's, it's gamer chairs. I still get hit with gamer chairs because one time I searched from here. And then coach, coach's polos. I just bought a bunch of college shorts, which are sick. That's it. That's all you have. Just college athletic apparel and gamer chairs. Which must confuse him a little.


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[Assistant] Not a lot of gamer chair users are fans of college football.


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[Assistant] Definitely. Little did they know I'm both.


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[Assistant] The man and the kid I hate, the child I hate that's upstairs playing greenskins vs.


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[Assistant] I'm really upset, dude, because I'm, I'm lay- I put it in my room. I'm laying on my bed playing it.


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[Assistant] He'd see me, and I'd have to, and I'm facing the wall. So the door would be behind me. So he'd open it and I'd have to be like, get out of here, dad! Look, this is also, this is also, your shorts are all the way up.


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[Assistant] Look, this is a terrible confession. I had, this is a confession. Any of my family members that are listening to this, please fast forward 15 seconds.


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[Assistant] Great teachers in suits have the same hair. Uh, I had a secret mission today. This is top secret. Okay. Uh, so last night, two nights ago, I, I, I masturbated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty tight. It was sick. I think it was a stepmom and son on a vacation. Turns out there's only one bed. We're gonna have to share it. What's the worst that could happen? I'm gonna have to get changed. I won't look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm usually not watching porn very long. I'm fuckin', get the idea of it, get an image of it, fast. I don't even watch blow jobs dude, I'm fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to see the girl remove her clothing. That's usually a fun moment. Especially when it's like a casting couch situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, alright, could you go ahead and, uh, would you be comfortable doing, like, bikini modeling? Or? I'm like, yea, she would. Uh, anyway. So, I, I had ejaculated. And there's a box of tissues next to my bed. You know where this is going. Plowed through the tissues again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is box number two, since I've been home. So, I mean, that was weighing on me.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna have to start ripping t-shirts, but there's literally a box on my nightstand.


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[Assistant] All of your clothes are just riddled with jizz, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, this is where I'm at as a man. I'm playing Greenskins vs. Dracula's and then I'm sneaking into other rooms to steal tissues to put in the empty box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took five tissues out of a different rooms tissue boxes when I realized I was the only one home and stuck one in the top of my tissue box and I was like can't, can't use the tissues anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is a pattern, so then I was thinking, if I did that...


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[Assistant] I was like, nobody's ever gonna remember the pattern on this box. But on the off chance.


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[Assistant] My mommy remembers the pattern of the box and knows that her son is now not only plowing through tissues, but secretly trying to cast it. I was like, that's worse. The conspiring part after plowing through the tissues is worse. You can't get caught doing that.


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[Assistant] Anyway. I've been getting into... If Fart McGuire heard that. When I fall. I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] But it is, I thought you, I thought you would enjoy me creeping around the house trying to find a different tissue box. Immensely. To hide it, to hide my shame.


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[Assistant] Hear me come up at night, like come from watching, I've been watching Sopranos for like eight hours a night and then I sneak up at night and they're like, my mom will be like, why are you awake at three in the morning?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well you, yes, yes, you may not. You may not participate in this life. That's what I'm saying. You chose, you chose the way of the empire. I chose the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing I, I don't feel dirty if I jerk off. I don't. Nine times out of ten. Every once in a while I'll have watched something truly heinous. And then be like, alright, this is, we gotta make some adjustments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also used to when I lived- That's fair though. That's just, that's like an industrious jerker. You were like planning ahead.


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[Assistant] It's a classic. What's that story, like the grasshopper and the ant? What's that fucking story? One of them gathered shit, the other one just hung out. Oh, Chicken Little in the sky. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] So I'd have like seven of them loaded up. That's weird to have seven loaded.


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[Assistant] That actually is. Pretty tight. I'll give you that. I thought you, I imagined you literally just watching porn, eating cereal. I did, that was, I wouldn't. Just to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were very- Well, that's almost nice too that you were like- You wanted your nut to mean something. You wanted to be- You weren't just gonna lose your nut to any garbage. You wanted to find the right thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Dude, we talked, we talked, it's like, dude, if I don't, if I don't hit it, the next thing I know, I'm literally DMing chicks. Like, just the, some of the worst choices possible. Oh yeah. As soon as you nut, you're just like, oh, why the fuck would I do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And I've gone distances without the nut.


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[Assistant] True, that's very greenskin of you, but greenskins don't raise the kids, don't, they're not, you know. True, true. Greenskins are not into philosophy. True. You were a greenskin. Perhaps you've reformed. True, maybe. You were definitely a greenskin. And they told you, like, oh me, might, oh, oh, yeah, you, maybe you used to be a greenskin. Beezers are greens, no, Beezers are vampires, they should be. Vampire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think you're self diagnosing to come on the heart attack thing. On the heart palpitations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're seeing cum that was from, by the time you see it, by the time it reaches your belly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never watched, I looked for it and it didn't do it for me, but hearing about it did it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were jerking off thinking to what makes a girl horny? So you were kind of jerking off to the sexual, like you were jerking off to men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were like, all girls think this is hot, and you were thinking like thick dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might be the substitute music teacher. Might be those two boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crowder, they were, they were very good to me. Crowder? During the SNL thing, they like reached out pretty often to get me on there. Did you go Crowder? What, what's that? You're correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, I like it. I like the way they shoot it. Same exact way.


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[Assistant] No one's gonna say a word until we're sitting down at dinner and someone's gonna be like, so, we're not out of tissues again are we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know how this goes. I'll get eviscerated. And then my mom's gonna be like, what? What does that mean? What's the joke?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am glad that I live in a very sexually repr- I come from a very sexually repressed family. Same dude. Like where if you bring up anything sex, everyone's like, ew, shut the fuck up, disgusting, ew. Uh, it's always weird when you meet families that aren't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where someone will make like a, like say blowjob or something at the table, and it's like, ew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girlfriends, girls usually, girls don't mind saying the sexual stuff in front of their parents. Yeaah. In front of their families, which is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should be able to talk about my conquests. I should be like mom and dad, I fucked a chick this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did that, that group just, they suck so badly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm in on the WAPs, dude. I've been watching Sopranos. I love the WAPs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mic's not working? Oh great, alright. It's good we have you. Nevermind, don't talk then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, I'll, go ahead, let me hear, I'd like to hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like when somebody's making fun of you or mean to you, you like them the most. You know they hate you guys the most, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who could possibly be above us other than WAPs? You rank Jews above Irish? Did you not listen to Deshaun Jackson, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dishon's on that black Israelite tip. Yea man. Which I love, my favorite thing about the Dishon Jackson quote is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White Americans are going to be beside themselves when they find out they've been lynching and hurting the true children of Israel. It's like, do you think the people committing lynchings are going to be like, holy shit, these guys are black and Jewish? Oh no. They'd be like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way, O'Connor was quick to point out that was exactly what the cook in St. Louis was saying about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the Jews are the frauds, dude. According to the lost tribe. Although, actually, shouldn't that make them like the other Jews?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just, I thought the black Israelites just thought that they were a lost tribe of Israel. So those were also other, the white Jews are just other tribes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to really get into black Israelites. We should get one on. We've discussed this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A while ago. We'd still like to. True. Black Israelite would be the best one. For a while we were trying to get that one preacher. That one white fucking God hates fags guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Now that, as, as, now that we're adults, us, us millennials, we should bring all the, you know, all the cool sexual experiences we have that our parents, they weren't lucky enough to have because of restrictions. Now we should, birds and bees, we should be like, mom, dad, why don't you guys take a seat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, being a kid at home is... I'm about done. It was nice for a while, I'm about done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, this has been some nice things. We've been watching TV shows together. Me and Phil watched John Adams together, show rules. Me and my mom watched Chernobyl together, show fucking rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so there have been good things, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's definitely, Phil, Phil fuckin' hates me. A lot of times. Like on Mondays he doesn't really drink. So he gets fuckin' fired up dude. He runs around the house. Ah, he gets everything done. He's pissed. And then, you know, I'm chillin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, I yesterday hit the peloton, then went and swam, and came back and chilled. So he was like, oh, we were, we got swimming all day, having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, sometimes I deal with the dragons, or the draculas. Sometimes I'm like, I just had some shit to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was actually like, you know, bringing siege rams. Some battering rams to the gates of the fucking dwarf armies. I got crushed by the dwarves. Did you really? Yea. Is this all computer? None of this is live? No, it's just computer. I just got crushed, dude. I brought all my vampires and skeleton warriors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a kid, I could handle that. Yeaah. Very easily. And just be like, use my imagination, be like, oh cool, like even when I'm playing, like, if I play like NCAA by myself, if I play a football game by myself against the computer, it's a little like, I'm just figuring out the algorithm to beat it. Yeaah, it's pretty simple actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tybalt's been, Tybalt's been acting up dude. Really? Yeaah, he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's been killing birds often, too often. He goes outside and then there's, there were nests under the deck. There's a bunch of nests and he keeps getting birds. And he scratched the neighbor. The lady came out to pet him and he scratched her and he ran. He's an outdoor, he's getting wild. Last night he fell to put flea medicine on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty fun. We were just having fun at the Gillis house. Then Tibbitt was running from him and he felt bad. You can tell Phil felt bad. He said, come here Tibbs, come here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He put flea medicine, I guess it burns till it's skin or something. Really? Which is funny to watch a cat, like, if you ever see a cat, like, get hurt, it's very- Never seen it. They're very weird. Like, especially cause you put it on the back of his neck where he can't lick it, so he's just like- He's just walking around the house like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't fall sometimes. Anyway, what do you got? Are these your notes? Yeah. It was making me laugh earlier. Joe Biden Weed. Yeah, oh yeah. Made me laugh. What's the note there? I'm sorry to, sorry to fuck your process up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what we just did, yea. I was talking about putting flea medicine on a table. I had to look around, I was like, alright, Joe Biden weed? Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone there is like- Yeah, Hildog did the same thing. What? Said no to legalizing weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just can't win. The Democrats literally cannot win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is impossible for them to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, just, they should win. Yea. And it's almost like they're trying not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, speaking of graphs. What? I've been, I've been struggling with this new COVID outbreak. What you thinking about? I don't, well, cause I have shows coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I am worried about getting COVID after, definitely, there's gotta be a hundred clips of me being like, ah, it's fake, the Democrats made it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I hope I don't get, if I get it, I'm just not gonna tell anyone. If I get it, you'll see if like, in August, I'm just off for a week. Or two weeks, that's why. You're gonna Kim Jong Un this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm absolutely gonna be like, no, I was actually in a temple with 30 hot chicks. Who's that guy from, like, Laos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vietnam or something, Thailand, I think. You should just fake COVID and just, like, control the orcs and the greens here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, well also what's interesting about it is it's really hard to find the amount of tests we're doing. Yea. Daily. Like a graph of that. Cause everybody's very eager to show you the graphs of new cases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not new deaths. They'll never show you the current deaths, cause that's just straight down. Yea, it drops. No, it drops, but it's like that on the way down. Yea. New cases is fucking straight up right now. And it's really hard to find number of tests. Not really hard, but there's no graph.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not hard. It took like fucking three minutes to find an actual listing of per day tests that the United States is reporting. And in April, when we were at like, you know, the height of this thing, for the most part, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were testing like at most 200,000 a day at most. Now pretty much every single day we're at least at 600,000 tests a day. So obviously the new cases are gonna go up. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And obviously, and now the deaths are dropping like crazy. I mean the mortality rate of it is nothing now. Because now it's just 21 year olds that are getting it. Like in Florida the average age of the person getting it is 21.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, they're infecting it. Yeah, they're getting it, but nothing's happening to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, obviously it's real. Sure. Obviously the geezers got fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there should be, like you were saying though, if you do want to eradicate racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Release the COVID. They should have had a graph of racism in the United States. You would just see in April, it would just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speak of the Trump signs, dude. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, none of them are experts on shit, and they're literally basing their science on a party line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. It's like, obviously these people are not, they, all of them agree. And if you're right-wing, you're like, well the masks scientifically have been proven don't do anything. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck are you? What are you talking about? Just wear em. I mean, I don't, I don't wear em. I don't wear em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wear them every single time if I, if I'm going into like a gas station. You gotta wear the mask, otherwise you look like an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys had such a different experience than me. Oh my god, dude. City living during COVID must have been pretty gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's wrap it up. Slide in the page, bro. Yeah, we'll hit the page. How we doin' on, uh, YouTube? Is anybody commenting mean things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's hear some comments. We'll address the comments before we get out of here. Maybe that's the news. Maybe that's a new segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. Hell yea, hell yea. You're a good sheepdog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, live by the sword, die by the sword, you're a sex pest, uhm, yeaah. He was accused by multiple women of being a sex pest, and then one of the guys who like, tried to defend him was like, yeaah, Seth gets, the pest gets a little handsy when he's drinking. He's no Krystalia though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is what literally one of his like improv people said. Yea, nobody called him a rapist, they're calling him a sex pest. Yea, he's a sex pest. Well I think- A lot of people call him a rapist. But, that's what happens. And it's funny to read his like, his, his statement, or apolo- well his, his victim blaming, four paragraph victim blame that he put out, which is outrageous by his standards. By mine,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, blogging isn't always easy. Yea, blogging sometimes you gotta, you know, but he just said that he's like, the bitch is lying, I'm gonna go back to writing about other dudes comedy. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing cancelled, there's- he's- he's fucking irrelevant, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would never do that to anybody else. Like, point that out and be like, ooh, you're in trouble. Well, there's a couple of those pussies that used it. It's funny to use it against them. Obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, is like looking at it, seeing an accusation like that, which I don't know, I assume, I have no idea what she's even saying, or who she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sex pest was definitely like what it is. And they were like, it ain't. And he was like, you sure it ain't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he just kept being like, are you sure it ain't? The problem, Seth's problem is he's, he's 5'4 and kind of a little bitch. Yeah. So him being called a sex fest is probably just anybody else flirting. Yeah. But if you're that ugly and short and big of a pussy, if you like hit on a girl, they're like, ew, ew, ew, ew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would get drunk and be like, I actually love you. They're like, alright, take it easy man. He's like, to sleep with you one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, listen to his, I've heard some of his poems that are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, he got caught pastin'. Anybody else, I'd say they're innocent. By his standards, that he holds other people to, he's guilty. Yea, pretty funny. That's all it is. By anybody else's standards, I doubt he's done anything illegal. By his standards, he's committed a terrible offense. So let's hold him to his standards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get on Twitch and play NCAA with Dan Soder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll be sick. Nice. I'm gonna start a little online dynasty with me and Danny Sodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can definitely do that with, uh, like NBA. You can do 5 on 5 with NBA, which would be pretty funny. That would be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, we need to talk also, while we're on the gaming subject, let's go ahead and address Mortal Kombat and who is true king in this house. Although I only won... I think I won there. No, I won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I don't know, you went, what'd you do today? One and three?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tried scorpion against me. We did scorpion sub-zero, dude. True. He fucking went behind me. Purr around uppercut for the fucking win, dude. True, true. Admit greatness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] July 9th through 12th, you can go see La Mer at a bar in Delaware.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has to be, like, one of the only black-owned vegan restaurants. No, you'd be surprised, dude. Really? A lot of- You're making the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Dr. Bronner's. I was gonna say, dude, have I, have I been misreading that and Dr. Bronner's is black honed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm not going to be racist and tell an immigrant he stinks. I'm just going to be like, how do you think I smell? You smell great, Dr. Bronner. Are you actually a doctor? Yes, I am Megasolps. I'll switch it over. Into the page. Into the page we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that, fucking, this is where I scope the girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you got a kid. Yeah, dude, so I'm like- Woke the fucking kid up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was last week. Now I'm a piece of fucking shit. You are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I just woke up. Are you talking about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Summer 21 is mine actually, I regret to inform you. 21 has become mine. Will you share it? I'll give you a taste, but summer 21?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember you claimed summer, I regret to inform you, summer 2021 is mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seems like it could definitely wait. What? That seems like it could wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that must. I've been watching the industry, I might have to call you into a meeting. True. Dress you down a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, I do wanna, we need to, so your family, your mom thought you were on steroids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Afters never happened. Them flexing in your underwear. You took pictures like that. Yeah. Hilarious. And then Spud got his hands on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew you were going to promote your Patreon. War mode. Business mode, dude. To moguls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I wanna, I know we've moved past it. I know we've moved past it, but I need to, I need to hear your side of when you got on Facebook and saw your- Oh my god, dude. The feeling, dude, I would- Total dread, total dread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a mistake. It was a mistake. I used to take pictures of my dick and color it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, cause you could draw on Snapchat and then send it to my friends as a goof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time I took it and... It was a prank. It was right after I had not had, uh, Snapchat for a while. When I re-downloaded it, I pressed what I thought was the coloring utensil to bring up the tools. Yeah, yeah. Just sent it straight to my story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea that it just, I thought I'd hit delete, I thought I hit access accidentally, cause once you press add to story it just went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be very funny if people would be confused as to what that was. I was good at the dick pit. Like the dick, you couldn't really see it was a dick. You had to like look like you'd see pubes or something. But like I would draw like a full football player's uniform on it and then just have the helmet be the tip of my, like I took a lot of time with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just accidentally, like I accidentally hit it. And again, it wasn't even a hard dunk. This was a flaccid, tenis sent to my store. This is the bench rider. This was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, but, I don't think, I think I might rather have that than hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've talked about this before and I'm surprised you left out your before picture experience last time I brought this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, which is great, like, people get used to that, but I don't know, I never have. Like, if I drank a six pack, like, in a short amount of time, I'm definitely feeling it. Like, the geezers are definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dads that come home and like start crushing light beers, they're like, that doesn't do anything to me anymore. It's like, I do it a lot and it does. You're definitely like getting buzzed. Out of dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually is pretty normal. Yeah. So it's not that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're close, dude. You're getting there. Say that to the camera again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's not good quality. Yeah, of course. The real one's good. We'll get that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I showed my family, I showed my family the one you said. How'd they like it? Everybody loved it. It's so funny, man. The whole family loved it. It's so funny. Everybody was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Bill, you're driving. You see dudes lifting. You slam on the brakes. You say, that must be it. That's Valhalla. I'm getting in there. And you walk in and you say, fellow patriots. And they say, hey Bill, come here. They wrestle you around a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's gay Bill? I was just kidding, I hoped you heard that. That's why I said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were scared of monsters? Petrified. And then fucking old Stevie Janowski came in screaming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to roll up paper. We'd take printing paper. We were just smoking everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We started smoking weed when we were in fifth grade. Did you really? Where'd you get weed from? I don't know. That's weird. Beasters. I never got high. I literally never got high once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, did you cry? Did you ever get, did you ever get caught training?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to, dude, but it's good you have brothers that check you on your gayness immediately. Some guys, you can run amok for a while and then you get drilled with something. Sisters are like the FBI, they like let cases build. Brothers are like local police where they're like, oh we got them on speeding. It's like, no, let them speed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good staying at, uh, whenever I stay in Philly, I landed, so I don't jizz when I'm in Philly. Stay over at, uh, Six's. Sleep on the couch. Yeaah. Don't look at me like that. That's a tough jizz, dude. Can't jizz on the couch. Don't they have like a leather couch? Yea, you can't jizz on that couch. Get a sweaty back and a sweaty ass. I've never jizzed on that couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can't sleep on someone's couch and jizz. It's the wrong thing. You can. I've done it. I've done it. But it's the wrong thing to do. It's the wrong thing to do. It's a tough bathroom to beat off in, dude. There's like peeling paint and shit. That's the only way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamor, how did you guys beat off? I know you and your brothers shared air mattresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a shower guy? Shower guy was when I was young. Yup. You beat the hell out of your dong in there. My dong took some crushing beatings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't getting that freaky, but like, the water would make, yeah, like you get like, fuck, your dick like bleeds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toilet paper rolls is the go to. I think everybody's done it. I think everybody's considered it. I just couldn't quite MacGyver it. Phil hit me with one. I almost, Phil, so we're at dinner and somebody was like, Oh, my skin's all dry. I was like, Oh, I have some cocoa butter in my room. And Phil was instantly like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this detrimental to psychinol? Like your psychiatrist, your therapist going on, you listen to your therapist be like, yea I used to fucking lube my hands up with Vaz and fuck a wall. Not at all. And then you sit down and discuss problems? Would you say this-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also the slugs can get on you. You ever jizz and then get in the shower and then you just get a slug attached to you? Oh, they dry out on you? Yea. Yea dude. Cause it washes off all the other, whatever the other stuff is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't anchoring. You don't think so? No. He anchors on negatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you pull in, you see those guys. Did you ask about like maybe an amateur wrestling league?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sat behind Edge last year at an event. He got it, yeaah. I was on the Jumbotron at an event. Damn. Me and Soda, me and Soda were right behind Edge. You saw it live, didn't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys, so, that was the method, was shower, bathroom, but that's, did that carry over to when you were older? Usually that's young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just had a bath. You must, you must clean yourself like once. You guys, that was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Spud lived like a, like a gold miner for years. Yeah, man. Just a guy out by himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. True. He has. Spud is king. Especially when you find out he's kinda dastardly. Like uploading bodybuilding pictures. I didn't know he was like... That's just good fun. That's not fun. That's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you don't understand the concept of that's like a really mean, obviously it's funny. Yes. There's no denying it's funny, but sometimes funny and very mean. That would, that would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a phase where I liked some punk music, but just like the fucking Ramones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked, I liked Blink when I was younger. And then I'd stopped liking them. Blink went until I stopped. I'd say, no, I was always a rap guy. Always into rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seventh, I always rap. Always rap was always there, and then there was a side of like, Lil' Kohit and Cambria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, yeah, I was basically empty. Rap 100%, never left, but then there'd be phases of like, oh, I like classic rock or like, whatever. Yeah. But rap's always been the mainstay. Hell yeah. Eh, it's good. I'm starting to grow out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Do you ever think about like hiding your gluten free while you're there? You have to, you can't be fucking eat gluten free pretzels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing, I would just, I mean, even my family, someone would get crushed for that. I did. Like if we had like a brother-in-law that was like, a brother-in-law that was coming over that was like, I have a gluten allergy, everybody would be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nine. You haven't had a gluten allergy. You've had a gluten allergy for two years. What? Ever since gluten allergies got like, that's when you got yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you got the real serious belly aches. Once they hit the news, you're like, oh I have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have the standard craps of a bad die. I had Hooters this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breaded wings are- What do you like better? I smile. Non-breaded are better. Huh? Non-breaded wings are better. Breaded wings aren't as good. They definitely don't suck though. They're still very delicious. They're chicken fingers. I just ate them dude, I promise you they're delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When's the last time you had them? Pre-gluten? When I was in high school. Yeah, pre-gluten allergies. It's been a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, ten wings. That's it. That's it? Yeah, it was after the show. Yeah, they were just their regular wings, but delicious. It was just making me laugh. But you do a Hooters. What? By yourself? You were doing a Hooters. I wasn't by myself. The stuff we save for the Patreon. You little snake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. Uh, food's great. But then I was just laughing about the food being prepared by dumb sluts. Yeah. That's the Hooters way. Just doing an Italian commercial for Hooters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. I think so. Like I think that's for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They peak out, they have, usually they're always looking at you. These are girlfriends, dude. I know. They were selling shirts there that said straight out of COVID. Might have to get one straight out of COVID. With the hooters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could've been the most American thing possible. I'd be like straight out of the fucking disease is over, I'm at Hooters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the first time since 8th grade and I was like, actually definitely more recent than that. Yea, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you should stand up for yourself. I've listened to several episodes of warm-up where I'm like, jeez, bud. But he's kinda right. No he's not. He's, he's like talking down to you with, a lot of times he's, he's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're asking for big business to come in and interfere with some businesses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say this. Breaking up monopolies doesn't make you not a capitalist. You can still be a capitalist. You say you want to break up some monopolies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've literally toured the entire time and been on it. Like, you don't have to. You can do whatever you want. See that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've actually been hanging out at malls this whole time too. Been to several malls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just at a, I was just at a totally deserted mall like that. It's fucking crazy. There is like two stores open and the whole thing and it's very weird. It's like bonsai trees and used books. There's old fucking kids, like coin things that you ride, like it's very uncomfortable. It's fucking creepy dude. Yeah, I would like to do a live show there. We have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get you out there? Security? What? True. Get you on Overwatch? I'm doing this for you, dude. Oh, fucking Billy Rittenhouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would need you, I would need Overwatch on my Hooters. You gotta protect my Hooters. If they come for it. Good point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How? That makes sense though, like people that weren't gonna leave their house to go vote would just sit there and be like, alright. Would you? No, I did not. Yea, exactly. But I would've. No one cares that much to do it. Yea, but they literally sent the ballot to somebody's house. That's why the numbers were so high. I hear you, but they sent ballots everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're more of a, you're more of a Sam Adams, you're more of a John Adams. That's how I see you boys. Heard that. Sam Adams a little more rambunctious, like we gotta go fuckin' do it. Walt Saucy over here. Oh dammit, I didn't know what he did. No, he ended up being Ely. Shane's Paul over here. I am dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, that's good. You have, you have...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've chilled out, politics hasn't gotten, hasn't changed, hasn't like, seems to me like politics hasn't affected you as a person or changed the way you live, which is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried not to let those, like, dumb fucking politics affect me. Yeah. And it's good that you've done the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody must have enjoyed, I used to do this. There's all the oldest brothers. I used to make kids fight. Yea. We used to make all our little brothers, our friends little brothers fight. Yea. It's the best. It's awesome. It's like fighting dogs. It really is. Not that that's okay. You can make them cry, make them fucking laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, every comedian like also is like, yeah, I went and rolled for a little, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're walking down the street. Yeah. Three BLM protesters come up and see you. Yeah. They approach you. They're white. They're white for the record. No, no, they're one of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One's African American. Yeah. One's what? One's a trans woman. One's a trans woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come at you one at a time with intentions of violence. How, what do you do? Do you stand? How do you stand your ground?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they yelled that at you and a trans ran at you. What if it was a trans woman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I denounce Amazon. Actually, I can't even. Nevermind. I'll say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what am I doing, dude? No, I was drunk. Bought them off of keeps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just watching a commercial and I was like, oh, just buy that. Yeah, that's what I got about it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to take a picture of the top and the side so that somebody can prescribe you this medicine. So there are befores of me floating around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I didn't take him, because it turns out you have to take him forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be nice to not go bald, is what I was thinking. Even though I've fully ma- no, I've fully maintained I'm going bald. I've committed to it. Here's what sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does now. He had sides. And sides look good, dude. Sides do look good. Don't get me wrong. I'm going sides. You're a monk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm alright with this. This is what sucks about going bald is literally while you're going bald. It sucks, dude. It's just fucking gross. It just falls out. It's not wild and cool. I just haven't shadowed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wouldn't until it starts happening. Oh, of course, of course. Then once you start going bald, like every time you shower, you're like, Jesus Christ, or like, your hair just falls out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have ya? True. I've been struck down with melancholy a couple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been spazzing. So, I come clean and tell you guys that I got tricked by keeps. Bought a bottle of keeps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to, no I didn't destroy the bottle, I was just sitting in my room, but I'm not, I'm not doing it. I cancelled my keeps. You did that while you were drunk? I ordered the keeps while I was drunk. I've been ordering, I've been getting drunk and ordering things. Stop. And it's a hack bit that people have talked about is like, oh I get drunk and order things off Amazon. I do get drunk and order things off the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I'm sober and I start to buy something, it asks me for like three, it's like I gotta find my wallet. Yeah. Done. I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, what reminded me of it was you were talking about the trans side effects. The side effects of like, keeping your hair pills. Some of the, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's infertility, you could, yes. You can risk, like, not being able to have children ever. Jesus. It's like your tits swell, your hands and feet might swell. What the fuck? I was reading the side effects and I was like, oh, I'm not doing this. Damn. I broke my, I broke my, I mean, I was so proud of the fact that I was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how good would you look? Accepting my baldness. Yeah, yeah. I was walking into, you know, death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm gonna take it, I'm going, I mean, it was just a slight moment of weakness.


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[Assistant] I'm back on course. Happens. I'm going bald. Happens. And I'm taking it. And I'm not shaving my head. That's a man. Gotta do it. I'm taking the bald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grey hair is kinda cool. Bald is... Bald's an insult. You're like, you bald fuck.


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[Assistant] It was gay, that's why it came clean. It's the only way to live. If you do something gay, you gotta admit it.


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[Assistant] I couldn't risk it. And also, they like, spend a lot of time telling you like, there's no risk. They're like, just this little risk, but it doesn't happen to anybody. It's like 96% of people don't experience any of these side effects. That's why I'm with Lasik.


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[Assistant] But what if their goal is to try to help America not have COVID?


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[Assistant] That's cause they're just trying to roll it out. They're trying to roll it out fast.


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[Assistant] Well the reason that you can't get, well no, they're trying to, of course they're going to make a trillion dollars. But they're trying to roll it out fast and they're trying to protect themselves. If they had to follow those rules of you can sue us, we wouldn't be getting the vaccine quickly.


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[Assistant] Bill, I'm not worried about it. I'm not losing sleep.


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[Assistant] I've been drunk and tricked into being like, I'll get that fucking thing right now.


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[Assistant] I got drunk and listened to the Rogues episode with that guy. Oh, uh, guy who loved Covey's.


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[Assistant] He seemed pretty good. I got tricked. I get tricked by whatever I'm listening to. That guy got me.


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[Assistant] Sure, I don't know how the vaccine works at all. It's like, I just don't know if it's a bad thing to have a vaccine for coronavirus.


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[Assistant] I'm not arguing that. Obviously I'm not. I literally go around and talk to rooms.


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[Assistant] I've never, I don't think I've ever gotten a vaccine since I was a kid. Like I've never gotten like shots or anything. Certainly not flu shots, but.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I, yeah. What if it works? Works for what?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Sure. Who do you think's behind all this?


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[Assistant] Yeah. I used to work for a catering company. That's all we did. It was like pharmaceutical reps. Yeah. I'm not disagreeing that the drug industry stinks.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't be first in line, but I'm alright with a little vaccine. I'll be fucking up last in line, dude. Get it out there now. You got, brother's gonna be further behind. You follow suit.


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[Assistant] It's gotta be Kevin Hart. They already remade it. They already remade it with due date. Who? It's the same movie. They did it with Galifianakis and Robert Downey Jr.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I don't know. What are my thoughts on that? An African American remake of a great white American classic? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] There certainly has been several cats on this lap. You're exactly right, because I have a cat. I have a male cat.


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[Assistant] Alright boys. But yeaah. So Bill, final words. Final words, Bill. Final words.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, you gotta listen to NPR, it's so funny. They're like, uh, dumb.


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[Assistant] Welcome to NPR blah blah blah. Donald Trump still hasn't conceded.


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[Assistant] Like that's how they, they're like, and with zero evidence, Donald Trump said they always say zero evidence.


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[Assistant] They always say zero evidence with what Trump's doing, like no matter who's talking. Like I watched a Daily Show clip.


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[Assistant] It's a commercial on Comedy Central. It's one of the worst fucking clips I've ever seen. He's like, it's getting thrown out in so many courts that, like, you know how you fucking... But then one of his, his impression is, it's just a black guy. I heard some dirt on Trevor Noah, dude. Yeah, I heard some dirt on him.


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[Assistant] He's like, they're throwing out so many, he's being thrown out of so many courts, he's being thrown out to food courts. They're like, hey man, get that shit out this Panda Express right now.


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[Assistant] He's like, the bailiff, they're throwing out so fast out of the courts, the bailiff's like, nah, you can just sit down and chill right now.


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[Assistant] If you get in before they catch you, you're fine. True. You can slide in and you don't even have to really apologize.


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[Assistant] It's certainly a weird time. You'd like to show industry. I wouldn't. Cause I promise you'd like it. There is some gay sex that you don't like.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna chug this whole thing, baby. I'll fuck you what? What are you talking about? You can't chug that. Shane can chug.


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[Assistant] You can't chug that. Some guy in Kansas City found out when I chugged him down behind the Hooters.


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[Assistant] That would be a grave mistake, especially on camera. Do it downstairs. That's fine with me. We will do it downstairs. We'll sell this afterwards. Uh, that's enough dude. You guys are acting like fucking assholes. What are you talking about dude? I feel sick. Why? How pissed I am. Now I have to go. I just have to go. Why do you have to go?


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[Assistant] Billy pretended to masturbate and come on me because I think he likes kissing guys.


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[Assistant] Uh, this, December 5th, you can come catch me and Matt in Lancaster, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, December 5th, uh, then two weeks later, the 17th, 18th, 19th,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe with Matt, I'm not sure yet, but it would be at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. The 7th, 8th, and 9th of January, allegedly I'll be at Tampa, SideSplitters. That has to have been changed, not that one. And then I'm supposed to be in Canada for two weeks, but I don't know if that'll even be... Whatever, the rest of that calendar's a little wonky. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] I think Tampa's good. I think Tampa's good. But I don't know if I'll be able to go to Canada. The, yea, the 5th, December 5th, come to Phantom Power, I think is what it's called in Lancaster.


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[Assistant] No, but phantoms and fireworks. And then 17th, 18th, 19th in the Stress Factory in New Jersey. Come to that, please. Please come to that. I don't want to be made to look like a fucking fool. You know? Makes me sick. Lancaster will be... Lancaster will be fun. I'll be lit. Lancaster will be fun. Lamorpur, you're gonna be there.


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[Assistant] Perhaps. Perhaps. I think Mike O'Donnell's hosting, so that'll be fun. Nice.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he is hosting. I forgot about, uh, I forgot to shout out my buds from Kansas City. We'll get them next week. Yeah. I had a good time. One of them was real low energy. I forget which one. Really? I think it was Mitch. He was very low energy. He's a low energy host out in Kansas City. Was he really? It's one of the last things you want.


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[Assistant] He's a real prick of a guy. Really? Yea, he's a real fucking jerk. Ruined the whole weekend. That's it for me. Yea man. Let's do it. One more.


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[Assistant] Patty, old Patty Harker, controlling the fucking monies. Patty Harker.


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[Assistant] Sorry, no, I don't mean to put smut on your girl's name.


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[Assistant] That's good. It's important. And today we're joined live.


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[Assistant] With a good friend of ours, Nate Marshall. How's it going? Good.


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[Assistant] No, no, no. You came in hot. Right away you came in hot. But you know what it was? I thought y'all were fun. He always, dude, anytime, first off, anytime LaMare's being Mr. Cool, I call Nate to make fun of LaMare.


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[Assistant] So he called, my phone was just on the other side of the couch. Didn't see he was calling.


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[Assistant] I think that means it's just going to voicemail. I could be wrong. But.


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[Assistant] He immediately went to, this was a prank to get me down here. He was like, they're inside watching me laughing that I drove to Philadelphia. He thought that was the prank we pulled on. Was just a trick. He thought you were getting pumped. He thought he got pumped.


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[Assistant] But his guard was up right away. He's just been talking shit. He talks shit.


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[Assistant] I mean, if I'm not wrong, if somebody comes in hot, it's fair game. Normally I'm like mean to somebody for no reason. But with Nate, it's always... You're never not... I'm always nice to you. This is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like my favorite story. What happened? An open mic. Oh sorry, Nate started in Lancaster with a mare and me. And Nate beat up a special needs guy at an open mic once.