[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] None of whom were deterred by McInnes friendliness with white supremacists. So, some of these people all talked to him at one time or another.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most of them probably haven't talked to McGavin in a long time, but they just did once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis said when you come, when you come to watch Allegiant's Gang Show, you should be hearing racist, sexist, offensive shit. If you're upset about that, don't watch the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually cannot stand that Louis says that shit. I can't stand it. But guess what?


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[Assistant] I'd rather have the crowds that come to those shows any fucking day of the week besides this fucking maniac. They're always good comedy crowds. Like, he thinks his Puerto Rican-ness can like cover him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like an actual good insult that hurts my feelings when people say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And I am not ashamed to say that, uh, to Az in front of, uh, with a Thanos sculpture in the background.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any one of these dummies doesn't- Dave's the only guy I know who thinks about politics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, there's not, America doesn't have a left, I mean 100% I believe that America doesn't really have a left. Like, in Europe they have that, like a left, but America is just all reactionary, so that's why they all do the same shit. That's why they all censor, and they're all the same kind of fucking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you're talking about is the lifestyle left, which I didn't come up with that phrase, but it's a good description of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what Seth tried to do, like be a hipster and do like improv, and he's lifestyle left. And the thing that makes them not con- Communists, you're not supposed to literally hate the working man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they despise that, okay. In fact, they be met. This is all how dare somebody talk to somebody one time. You spoke to them and you didn't fucking know. I've decided that they should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny, cause Jay couldn't more- Jay looks like the next lesbian to be- wear the Batwoman suit on the show. Jay couldn't look anymore like a futuristic-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, he's, but that's the thing, that he's turning in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the blacklist, he's turning in, he's being a good citizen. That's why he gets off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot. So this is where they bring up cringe. So cringe comedy was a thing that, uh, there's a very good club called The Stand in New York. And the guys that used to have a website that ended up owning the club was called Cringe Comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, personally, have never enjoyed the name cringe comedy. Okay? It actually makes me cringe. However,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the people that were nerds got run out, they got colonized by, like, Lifestyle West.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, but he was a guy who's offensive comic, like. Okay. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's my song. So he tweeted this, like, and I don't know why, now my guess is maybe Lewis at some point tweeted at him and, you know, that's what my guess is, is some social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, he, that's really like, that, I don't get this. And I don't get like, uh, Jeff, Jeff, Jim Jeffries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, like I said, anybody's tweets, I withhold a lot of, unless it's like really virulent, like I withhold. Cause people tweet all kinds of shit. Yeah. And you know, like Patton Oswalt, I like that guy a lot and he's a Twitter addict though. And people fucking hate his guts. And it's like, look, he's just tweeting. Like it's the same thing. I will say this like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, Anthony's show got cancelled because he celebrated people getting eaten by fucking sharks the day after it happened. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little bit more of a line cross than any f***ing out of context horse shit from a f***ing podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, a bunch of people who made their money being like, I'm transgressive, okay? And he was always a great joke writer and a good comic. They have a thing of like, now you guys need to clean up your act. Like they want to close the door up, like everybody who's going to make their money off something entertaining. So that's why, for example, The Daily Show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want it to suck. That's what this... So now all this shit is so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] conglomerate. It's the very opposite of communism. It's giant corporations control everything from top down. So, shit like the nerd shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got her Star Wars girl figures like Rey and shit. She just makes them kiss the boy doll. That's what she does with them. Cause she's a little girl. That's what she likes. That's the majority of girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, like, like Road Warrior, the second one. They just put people on fire and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having a bad day and then like, I'll bring you the opposite of what you asked for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you're saying it was wine that had spoiled? Listen, I've read the Bible many times, not by choice, but I have, and I don't remember that part, but I trust your scholarship, I don't want you to think I'm doubting. You know, I do defer to your scholarship on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Did I just not get done reading a Seth Simon expose on you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was last time, but, because you know why, I had Mike Cernovich on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's on the note, he's on the forbidden list to this guy. But I'm already on a fucking list, so like what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm asking is when they shut the business down, are they giving like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, money to people so they're not like, cause there's like fucking food lines and sh- this is crazy what's going on with people. All those people in the capital, by the way, that ride it, you know 60% of them were, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. They were fucking, uh, people with like tax liens. People who are fucked, who don't have insurance and like, they're like poor people. And America ain't gonna do shit. That's why I say we don't have a fucking left here. The Democrats, what they want, what this guy, Seth Simon, the lifestyle thing wants, is to keep a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're garbage, so now we don't have to worry about paying for healthcare for everyone, because most of the people are just deplorable anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the, the goal is. It's to feel like you're left without having to do, cause these are rich people that are into this shit, and they don't want to pay. All these tech billionaires that are like liberal, they don't want to pay for people's fucking, you know, they don't want to pay for liberal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go, is it, it might be the equivalent of where Az is from. In the UK. It might be like roughly the equivalent kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember what else I wanted to ask you Shane. There was something like I was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I asked, are they paying back? Cause what is here in America, they shut the whole economy down for a fucking year and they won't even send out fucking the $2,000 checks that they call it. Oh yeah. Yeah. So yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, why are these people create, why are these people not want to obey the lockdowns? Cause you, they have to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like people have to risk getting fucking sick to do their shit here, like they just have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way your jaw is shaped, that, it's not great, rendition of the accent, but the way your head is shaped, it sounds right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pado, it's pronounced Pado-file, you stupid. Pado-file.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her, by the way, it is crazy. You just see her, she can't move anywhere and there's just 20 cameras in her fucking face. And she just runs into someone and shaves her head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just, she got, I don't know why they awarded a conservatorship to her dad, but she's like the girl who kicked the hornet, you know, the girl with the dragon tattoo. Yeah. That's what, which she likes. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the courts won't let it go, but no, like it's sealed. Why? So whatever she did makes them think that she has to have like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing, after the conservatorship, she made like a big comeback and made 58 million dollars and was like back in shape and looked good and like, was in Vegas. And so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of arguing against it, but it's like it looks like her life totally turned around with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's a bunch of fans that they have a QAnon conspiracy about her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But see, at the time, it was the whole thing of, are you a virgin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically it created a whole mystique of like, well you dress like a huge whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In different homes. Jimmy Safechuck. Fuckin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will never, well, I'll tell you who. Richard Pryor Jr. The son of Richard Pryor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keyboard Jeff from the comedy story passed away recently, god rest his soul, told me this. Uh, he once flucked Sam Kinnison up the ass in the, uh, I think in the back by the main room, like the green room, like they were just doing coke. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were doing coke together. Sam Kinnison said, and I quote, I got to know what it's like to get fucked in the ass by Richard Pryor's kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he was an adult, wasn't he? Okay, the reason I bring it up is, like, that's... Richard Pryor, I didn't even know there was a Richard Pryor Jr. I knew he had a daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Richard Pryor Jr. achieved, like, how can you, your father is Richard Pryor. Okay? I want to say congratulations. You have matched your father's legacy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a slang for the, uh, the receptive and uh, you know, I didn't get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the Toddly Wink and who's the Rounder?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not into it, but I've been told it's got a lot of strategy to it, that's why people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What sports are you into? I guess you're a jock. I didn't, I thought you were like a nerd, but you're a real filly. You think I'm a fucking nerd?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, does, does uh, you know, rugby and soccer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the way, the term soccer was not invented by America. No. It was invented in the UK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know that stand up comedy is a Chinese version? Did you know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to god. Yea, that's, when I was there, they have some ancient traditional form, like of, uh, entertainment, and it means crosstalk, the direct translation, and it's like two peep, two guys, it's kinda like who's on first shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're gonna be a lot more fair, because let me tell you something, in China, when you get in trouble, you know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you have the most, that was the most dignified, I would say house of lords talk, not the other one where they yell at each other. The dignified older one. That's, that's the impression I got from the statesman. The lords. And I appreciate it, and I think we all appreciated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, holy shit. Oh, we gotta wrap up, dude. Hey, uh, what do you guys got to plug? Uh, well, Heel vs. Babyface, a channel that I quite enjoy. If you're someone like me on YouTube, then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, I'm not sure. I got, cause I got two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully they decide to- Insurrection or erection. What? Insurrection or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Erection. More like an in-cell erection. Right, guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would that be pink? That's right. That's the 4D chest. We gotta stamp out the most privileged motherfuckers there are. Guys who can't get laid. The ones who've been having it too good for too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had it too good for too long. No more cartoon titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, I can't even begin to count the ways that you fucked up on the- I mean, the show's called Can't Get Right, because I do apologize for every- I forgot to apologize for this one, but I'll have to next week. The premise of the show is I apologize for the last show. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you can't be mad at me. Like, I, the show, I'm very upfront what the show is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, you know, if that's wrong, I apologize. Very simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seth, if you're less than Seth Simons, can I tell you something? The fact that Seth Simons wrote it in that article, the word, you're lucky because Seth Simons established you can say it to tell on people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the fact that you were reporting on your neighbors for what they say, that you get by this time. N-word, you cannot. Seth Simons, if you go by the Seth Simons says system, you gotta go by. Seth Simons says. Seth Simons says. He, by the way, also had a huge thing go around him that he's a quote unquote sex pest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some women, and I do believe women, uh, came out on Twitter about him. I don't know what his sex pest does, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like the try not to laugh challenge that I issued you? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a whole article comparing him and Colin Jost. I don't know if you know he has it in for Colin fucking Jost. I know he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has a whole essay about how Colin Joe's basically sold out. I don't remember Colin Joe's being a revolutionary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything like, and he goes, and then he compared it with his story of New York, of how he didn't go anywhere in it, and then moved back. And basically, the moral story is like he had his integrity, unlike that sellout Colin Jost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, he wrote this down for you to read about himself. That's how fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, this is why I like Beck, because I really don't watch a lot of TV, I mostly watch, you know, I was radicalized on YouTube by James DeFranco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I remember you did tell me that, and uh, and it's a very courageous story. Oh, you should be like an ex- one of these guys that like says he's ex-ISIS and talk about how you get people out of trying to get ISIS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a suicide vest called 30 pounds, right? It's a health concern.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the classic, uh, yeaah, I'm a real COVID slob right now, where it's like, as soon as you have a gut, that's when you are in danger of dying. I'm wearing a serious lying face, not serious lying face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, I mean, I've, I've been upfront, I've been upfront the whole time. Like I literally just hang out with people that I have been talking a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but that's alright. Yeah, like, it's really just like a, uh, sad outlet for a, you know, I'm just gonna call it a gay man is normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't believe in the moon. So there you go. And you know what? I don't think birds are fake. And that's my right. That's a real thing. Birds are fake. That's a conspiracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kyle, the Dunner, as a fan, call him Kyle Dunnigan. We're gonna do a, a Pussy's, it's called, Pussy's Stand Up Against Comedy. It's like comic relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's very exciting. We were doing, we were getting our theme song nailed down yesterday. It's gonna be a big production. It's gonna be like a ticketed show, which I'm excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call off your boogaloo, boy, Shane. That's what I brought you here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I do can't, I've been, people have been asking me to like give their friends advice on cameos. It's not my idea, but it's hilarious. Like I will, I won't answer any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's almost like if you talk to a psychic, except I'm not psychic, I'm just telling you my opinions about your business. You know, it's not psychic, but you'll feel like there's a psychic aspect to it because it's really amazing what I do. Uh, yeah. So I do that in cameo and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need a universal basic Instagram followers to every American. We figured that out in another episode. Like it's not income, you just get 10,000 Instagram followers automatically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, Kyle, who else does Biden? Like, there's no good Bidens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want Kyle's to be the fucking luxury Biden of the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very British. Woah. Alright. See what you guys have more in common.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, nothing can disappoint anyone on this podcast more than me, the host and namesake of the podcast, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, I make no claims to be, I'm not competing with anybody. Other than in fucking League of skank tanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like I have, listen, I have a thing that I sit and write a lot. It's all that shit with Kyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're not sure, we're, we're in the middle of making it, cause we have a lot of stuff to pre-record and like, but uh, it's, it's a very excited deal, like it'll be my favorite show to do in a while, I feel like. Uhm, is there a thing? Oh, I wanna come on Friday Night Tights too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure. I got a text, I got a message, Gary. I fucking love that. Alright, yeah, check out Friday Night tights on, uh, YouTube, which is all the, if, if you're into the nerd shit that I'm into, you know, Shane's a bit of a jock. But, uh, if you're in that shit, it's a fun time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like football and the fuckin', like, it's a crazy, uh, I dunno, it's like America's getting a divorce. Mm. Kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like, I, it's like, you're not my parent. I don't give a shit about it. So, that's why, like, whose side did you take in the fucking split? That's what, that's what all this shit is constantly is. Are you gonna pick some, like the war on terror that we had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. The more entire what we had like, oh, are you with us or against us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, like drugs, like all the fucking horse shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're, well they're bringing, I think everybody got bored of the war we have so it's coming home. So that's why all this shit you're gonna see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, he's, that guy is that little weasel. I mean, he's a nothing. I, uh, you're welcome, dude, for talking about you if he ever hears this. Because I normally don't do it, but I think he's special and I really enjoy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, it's fucking amazing how, uh, uh, there's like the leecher, the leeches like capitalizing on that. It became an industry. So now it's like the same way you guys have, that I love you have a channel, or any of you guys, doing the exact opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there has to be some kind of checks and balances to this horseshit, you know? There just has to be. I don't have to agree with everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I have, I wanna do bang muck, and basically, you watch me shit out the meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's all my emotions. I just cry, like the guy who, Mikado Avocado, I just cry, and I hold up the bag. Like, this was the new Hardee's breakfast something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, that's- that is bang something. That's like bang buffet, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is an amazing tagline, dude. Uhm, alright man, uh, hopefully I'll see yous on uh, Friday night, thanks again. Thanks a lot. Alright, take care. Bye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's uh, I actually had a strong feeling I was gonna get picked up right now. That was some psychic level shit right there. Alright, let's do it. Who, who do you think is like an intelligent person? Like who's a really, a rapist? He's from Einstein, that's what I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, that's what most people think. Clap if you agree, Einstein is like an intelligent person. Yeah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Einstein really like an intelligent person? Cause like his, like, thinking created like the bomb. Really, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta think like who else is like an intelligent person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like, he's like a parasite if you like really think about it. He like created a bomb. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's just deal with, like, uh, being like, elephant in the room, you know? Like, I was always confused about that, like, like, elephant in the room and stuff. Cause growing up, like, the elephant in the room, we just called it God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an engineer, I work at a metal factory. Wow. Rocket roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the confederate flag tattoo supposed to turn me on? Or, where were you going with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a relationship, like how I would have with any other of my hosts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, you know, it's like how you know you love all your kids just differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, if you're listening to the show right now, uh, the audio version, know that you can watch the video stream live every Thursday at 3pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are the bugs like crawling all around the inside of the tunnel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I honestly don't know, and this is a real life answer, if I could physically make myself do it. I don't think I can get through this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike, I feel like you're really pushing us away at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like even just around the sixth range is sufficient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just thinking that that's I think overall makes people happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like if they had maybe like a bikini top over them or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, thanks for coming on the show, man. What's up, Lewis? And a fun surprise. Yeah, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake himself. The owner, the proprietor. The Fuhrer. The Fuhrer, more like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also, and this could be because he's obviously out of shape and just isn't used to exerting that much energy, he had the white shit gathering at the corner of his mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, uh, I did, I gotta touch on this because I did Shane's show yesterday. Uhm, would you like to plug it Shane?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. I gotta just paint the picture of what it, cause Tommy, Tommy Pope and I passed guests on the show were just kind of like, you know, bullshit and you got the guys on the couch. We're having a good time. We knew Shane was going to come in late, but we had no idea what's happening in the outside world. And Shane walks in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if Rebecca's, Trent's Facebook statuses mean anything to you, that's the time to order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? From these places, yea especially mom and pop places because the weather actually destroys their potential income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what a goddamn nightmare. I will say this, uh, we've gotten some, your, your listeners were, uh, were kind of troubled by the fact that you were late last night or one of them was like, where the fuck is Shane Gillis? Which is, uh, very fun. Cause I, so lately,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been, we were just talking about this before in terms of people that just overly DM you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you just talk to them, you end up answering because obviously we're in a position in our career where we're trying to cultivate a following. So we want to be reachable. We want to have access, but then there's people that are like, we are best friends. I'm going to talk to you three times a day. I'm going to tell you just, you know, the banalities of my life constantly and expect the same from you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I have an autistic gay fan named Rob, and he was like, when I did my week at the Creek, he was literally the only person in the crowd one night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a rough time. Oh man, if you just wanna say something out loud to chairs, that is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they used to do that at like danger fields or something like that or, or maybe the comedy store like this is back in the day when they had no audience members and the show was still going or they were trying to get the show off the ground they would just perform for nobody so when people were walking in they didn't feel uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like that's sort of the color. Well, and the guys that even like the host that, not the, not the host of the actual show, but the host that like seats people and is there and greets comedians, he does it, he seems like a figment of your imagination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well those young comedian things, the Rodney things that they used to do there, those show, like they were so fucking hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only live performance of stand up in a club that really kind of felt like you were there. Because it was such a hot crowd, they were, like that Kinnison set is like 10 minutes of fucking 105 mile per hour fastballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not sure if he did, but Seinfeld did it, like all those dice broke on that, I think Seinfeld, like all these guys did that shit, and it was like such a fucking hot crowd, you know that room is still capable of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess anything can be good when there's people there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway. So what I was saying, my gay autistic fan, Rob, I had to tell him to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, at this point I have friends of my, my dad and my uncle and like of my family that shadow follow me and then report back to them about things I've said even vaguely about them.


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[Assistant] How long has he been doing it? Uh, like three years. Alright. But three years in the sense that like he'll do it once a month. Alright. You know what I mean? He's horrendous. And then he's beyond. Yeah, and not to mention he'll also complain about the business as if he's like us. Yeah, but that's, I remember that.


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[Assistant] I think that was the same when we started though, cause a special thing was really big. Did you ever go on that website? How long you been doing it? Uh, I started like eight years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so yea, we're, we're a little, I'm ten.


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[Assistant] And to complain about it is just such an odd phenomenon. Hilarious he's complaining about it. Of course, yea, and like, and talking to me about it.


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[Assistant] I just, I have not manicured a single thing. I haven't blocked people on Facebook. That's why I'm stepping away because my Facebook looks like the walls of a psychiatric ward. Like it's just, I used to have a conspiracy podcast, so it's flat earthers. It's like every comic going against each other. You know, Sandy Hook was fake.


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[Assistant] Like all that shit. It was. It's a bananas place. It was.


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[Assistant] There's a third lady who writes for a publication that you walked over and you're like, uh, and she's like, Hey, who are you? And I'm like, or you said Shane, Shane Gillis. And she's like, Oh, I'm so and so I write for it. And you're like, you write for that and you don't know who I am.


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[Assistant] Hang on, hang on. This could be the player empowerment era for comedians. You know how in the NBA right now, everybody's kind of picking their own team, they're picking who they want to play with. They hold all the fucking power. This, I believe, is the closest to player empowerment for comedians that we have. I agree.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've had some real contentious reintroductions where I'm just like, hey, I'm Mike. They're like, I know.


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[Assistant] Can I do a brief aside? Is this live right now, the show, Alex? No. Okay, because that guy that called me


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[Assistant] Messaged me again on Facebook Messenger at the moment we're talking about him and he's like, and the call was an accidental dial, called my landlord too apparently, fucked the screen on Galaxy 10, new to me, but it's apparently still super sensitive in a pocket. Buddy, thanks for being a fan.


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[Assistant] I mean, we do okay in certain cities on the west coast. But yea, I guess, who knows man, you never know, because people from Skankfest are like, you know, from all over the fucking place, and they're like, we listen to you, this and that, I got friends, blah blah blah, and you're like, I have no idea, I can't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PT? PT, uh, logo that we might turn into something as well. So we're merchin' out our fuckin' ass.


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[Assistant] First, when I saw the black, silver, and red, and white, I was like, ooh, this is very potentially Nazi-ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. Oh, you do! Good free- holy shit, you're rea-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really good today. Uh, August 17th through 20th, I'm at, I'm in Atlantic City at the Borgata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Hotel and Casino, uh, four shows for that. August 25th, this is the one that I've constantly been begging and pleading for people to come to, and then once you come and call me on Facebook Messenger, I immediately mock you, so I apologize. Uh, August 25th, Portland, Maine, Empire Theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tickets, mikehannoncomedy.com. Again, door deal. Please don't make me lose my shirt. Let's do this as a goddamn fan base. Uh, September 6th through 7th, Washington D.C. D.C. Dra- uh, D- nope, D.C. Comedy Loft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Come out to that. Tickets at MikeKennethComedy.com. September 20th, Feeny and I, Philly Punchline. Boom. We're doing two shows and then a potential, uh, live podcast out, uh, you know, out in the bar. Oh, that would be awesome. Out in the parking lot. Yeah, out in the park, uh, out in the parking lot. Jesus Christ. It's happening regardless. And then October 5th through 7th,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zany's Comedy Club, two headlining shows, the fifth and sixth, and then the seventh, Feeny and I are doing a live Irish Goodbye podcast. Get tickets, mikecannoncomedy.com. Follow me on social media, all that shit, at iammikecannon. And then, uh, I think, uh, I think that's pretty much it, right?


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[Assistant] I haven't drank for over seven months and doing this fucking show has been the most difficult part.


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[Assistant] That's how, that's how it was with me and DeStefano though, because he's like, he's not like that at all, but I was like, you know, rip roaring out on the road for the first time, getting free drinks, drinking with the staff, getting fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw somebody bite it doing that. Like trying to reach into their pocket and instantly just lose all equilibrium and go down and brace their fall with their face.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so I was on the Upper East Side, I was doing, uh, this show, this is years ago, and it was mostly because I was high. But, uh, I was smoking, like, a vape pen when they were brand new in New York. Nobody had them, I had no idea what it was or how much I could intake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it was. It was wax. I was like basically dabbing in the back of this fucking bar and I didn't know. And I was on stage and I was doing really well and I felt so free. I was just like throwing my body all over the place and I was basically like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't know if it was cheese fries or like a food as perfect as that, but this is what I'm, this is what I'm remembering. It was some sloppy food that this guy was walking to his seat and trip so hard and pegged a person to


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[Assistant] That's fucking awesome. It's weird though that that also used to be an insult.


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[Assistant] You gotta love soccer for that because it can be completely taken over by like tyrants and stuff like that. Like how Escobar and other drug cartels would just buy players and play them against each other like they're a live chess match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's in the prime of his career? Where is he playing? They're like, MLS, he goes, and where was I playing? And they're like, Europe. He's like, exactly.


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[Assistant] Oh, I hate the fire festival. It ruined my whole life. I hate to sell my children.


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[Assistant] I decide my children to pay all of the workers. This poor witch is crying. Yea. Oh, it hurts my heart even to have to talk about the Fired Festival. Have you seen this?


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[Assistant] Billy wins, he gets this bitch, he's in a fucking, probably a minimum security bullshit thing.


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[Assistant] From New York City, the West Village, Granite Village, wherever we are, wherever you are, news on the tens.


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[Assistant] The J Train is here, I'm your guest host, the Wizard of Weddings, the Sultan of Haas, the Prince of Promos, the Conalinga's Tsar, the Climax King, he's here, finally. It's a different show already. Yea. That's okay, lot of energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There'll be no tearful apologies about how I'll raise a better son. We're not doing that, we're not talking about, we're talking about fucking. Straight up, two hours of fucking your eardrums, that's right.


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[Assistant] It's just two of us here. I was more trusted than you, cause I wouldn't bug in on the opening. Yeah, but- What you just did, very guesty.


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[Assistant] Underscore, a tilde, whatever, you have the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. This is great. Perfect. You're ready to first start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google it, you'll find it. Google Greg Stone. Uhm, happy to be here, guest hosting. You know what, dude, we're gonna talk a lot about, we're gonna talk about everything, okay? The Me Too movement. Louis. Everything you came here for. Yeah. Rape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that in a world, like the joke isn't even, we're not even sure, someone could go, did you hear what they talked about on you know what dude, the guest host? He asked him if he could use the n-word and he couldn't even say no!


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[Assistant] Shane! You son of a bitch! I wanna tell the world, I can see Greg at a press conference, I do not record a podcast from your mother's pussy.


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[Assistant] I wanna let everyone know, I apologize to all pussies, all mothers. Your mother's pussy is too big. We would have way too much room.


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[Assistant] Not the 15th. Was that not good? We live in a digital world, you gotta backtrack promo. What do you mean? No one goes ahead. No one's putting this in their iCal to buy the Greg Stone album. Why didn't you tell me this yesterday?


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[Assistant] Mike, good to see ya. How's it going? Well, we got stellar Vegas. So we have to make announcements? Is this what Bob- I feel like Bobby left a note for the babysitter on how to take care of the kids.


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[Assistant] So, but, Cellar Vegas were promoting this week's shows. Is that what we're doing? Yeah. So this week's shows is a great lineup. Go to The Cellar, ComedyCellar.com. They got, uh, Rocky Dale Davis, Eric Rivera, Dean Edwards, Lynn Coplitz, Adam Ferreira. That's killer show. That's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A full lineup of headliners. Go to ComedySeller.com. Also, Attelle's gonna be there, I think, on the 19th. Is that what it is? I think so. Attelle's gonna be there. That's, I mean, that's a show you gotta go see. That's, if you're in Vegas, that's like an event. This is also, you know, if I'm gonna give my personal plug to the seller Vegas, when you go to Vegas,


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[Assistant] The toughest thing to do is to have tent pole events to do with your trip.


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[Assistant] Especially if you're traveling there. People always say to me, Jared, what should I do? I got a bachelorette party. I got a bachelorette party. Or I'm just going with my boys. You want things to breathe at in between all the non-breathing events. What do I mean by non-breathing events? Drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, going crazy, going out to the clubs. Those are all high energy, tough to keep up with events. This is one, you get to sit down, have a laugh, you go to somewhere that's off the grid, maybe you're not staying at the Rio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you're staying in another hotel, get you out of your hotel, do something different, bring the group, and go see a lineup that's gonna be seller quality. That's a big deal. So, but the 19th, if you can get a chance to see a tell,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In an intimate, you're not going to the big theater with fucking Danny Gans doing impressions from the dead. I think he's dead.


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[Assistant] No, you wanna go where, oh, you went to the cellar in New York. No, no, no, no, the one in Vegas. There's one in Vegas?


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[Assistant] It was awesome. There we go. I'm already telling the interesting story at your party. And we got laughable.com. laughable.com. I'm a member of the laughable family. I love laughable. We love laughable. If you listen to podcasts, I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're doing. If I'm giving you news, you don't know.


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[Assistant] You're out, you're out of it. You're not using the ATM. You're going to the teller.


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[Assistant] You're wrong. You're wrong. I'll repeat myself. You're wrong. You gotta use laughable. The best thing about laughable is that if you like people on today's show, Shane, coming here from Philly, living in Astoria, what's her Twitter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hem? Shane M. Gillis. Oh, okay. Right? Is there an underscore in there? Greg knows about that. No. Okay. Overscore. It's an overscore. Shane M. Gillis on Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want, if, listen, you like him, you go on Lavable, you can sign up for people you like and see shows they've been guests on.


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[Assistant] So I'm Jared Fried, I'm guest hosting today on You Know What, Dude. You might go, I like this guy's flavor. I like the cut of his jib. They're not saying that. Maybe they are. There's one guy out there that's like, wow.


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[Assistant] If you like Greg Stone, and you don't want to have to hit the shift key.


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[Assistant] That whole thing was a setup for the shift key.


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[Assistant] So listen, Lavable, we all like them, uh, we want to see it work. So if you're sitting there listening on any other


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're wrong. You're wrong. You're not helping the show. You're not help. That's how this whole thing works. We don't just say these things. I give out a Twitter handle. I give out an Instagram handle. I give out a laughable. That's your payment for the free entertainment.


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[Assistant] That's a ticket. That's when you wanna... Keswick, gotta go. Where is that? What town's that in?


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[Assistant] I don't know. Nothing. You're going, that's a great show. That is the seller showing up at your door.


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[Assistant] That's the, that's the reality of it. That's a great show.


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[Assistant] Did you have anybody watching being like, no one commented? Like, hey, what? Two people.


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[Assistant] They're coming to every show, but really they just probably are more enthusiasts of watching people play video games. They just like the Resident Evil story. That's the thing. Growing up, the guy who would watch the video games, I was like, who is this crazy person?


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[Assistant] And then you hear about Twitch becoming like a thing, and I'm like, oh, it's just like all those crazies in one place, and then the minute you said, you're like, no, it's more than that, and I'm like, ah, we've moved up towards, it's, you know, once the thing, it starts with nerds, everything starts with losers. You're a loser, your mother's a loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane saw the vibe of this podcast, he saw the aura I have brought, and he went full Philly asshole. He went full, and that's kind of the first subject today. What? Did we watch the Super Bowl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the camera angle comes from, from the anus up.


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[Assistant] The co-sup penis into vagina shot that they lean on heavily.


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[Assistant] I'm always bummed. I want the full, I wanna be like, I want the angle that I'm on risers, three rows up, watching with popcorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he asked and you waited for a response.


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[Assistant] I would be sitting there being like, don't worry about it. I'm good. I'm good. I got a TV. I'll figure it out. I got a friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, cause then he- so did you come in with a gift? You bring any-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a party at Sal Valcano's like? That's gonna be, you know, you gotta feel like you're... Yeah, it was cool as fuck. Yeah, you're at a celebrity's party.


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[Assistant] They thought it, didn't say it. They did think it. There was definitely a couple. Well that's why you were in Bud Lighttown.


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[Assistant] That he was doing improv or he never, that's how good of a guy he is, is he never was like,


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[Assistant] I got my thing too. Like he was just like, yeah, I'm serving you guys up one time.


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[Assistant] With, with, with, with chance of free booze. And we did the show, remember we did the anniversary show and Anthony went on with his pants down?


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[Assistant] Anthony DeVito went on with his pants down and it didn't play at all. Everyone was like, why is his pants down? We're all just dying, laughing, hammer drunk. What's that? No dick. Just underwear. No dick.


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[Assistant] He, so then we get done with the show, we start drinking, he's like, I'll drive you to the fair. I'm like, this guy is literally the best. And I remember I had, I think I had his number, and I was like, like a week later, I'm walking through Times Square, and it's a full-size picture of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, the guy's just hovering over Times Square and we're like, and I'm like, WHAT?!


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[Assistant] Let me ask you, we want your official review of the Avengers 32nd spot. Yeah, I mean, they're doing the right thing.


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[Assistant] Like a fanboy, I'm a fan. Yeah. Enjoyed it thoroughly. Yeah. So there's not much- You didn't like it?


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[Assistant] A strange large man is sleeping in your home. That's what dogs do. Hold on, hold on, he has a whole production studio to play noise over this whole great podcast. We okay over here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first question I would ask the house sitter is, do you have a comedian boyfriend living in Astoria?


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[Assistant] This is like Jungle Book. Like living in this. Does she have no kids? Just animals that need to be sat for?


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[Assistant] So then, you leave this morning and you're like, goodbye, I've planted my seed all over this house.


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[Assistant] It's like me spitting on you when you immediately walked in. That's why Greg gets fuckin' fucked with.


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[Assistant] I would say it's a kids movie that adults have begged for.


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[Assistant] So it's made for adults who want to go back to their childhood.


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[Assistant] So it's not, it's not that like, like I can watch the movie and go, I like the Avengers, I like, I like, I can't wait for the next one. And then when I go online and I read people's response to it, like, I can't believe he had the horn on his helmet. It wasn't true to life. And you're like, oh my, don't make me a loser now. For liking this.


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[Assistant] Pete Holmes' character had how anyone in comedy would like him, his character. No.


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[Assistant] They literally made 30 movies to lead up to this one. It is a feat what they did. It is a crazy feat to take


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[Assistant] Literally 20, how, I don't know how many movies there have been, but from Iron Man 1 to get to this point, is in, without any holes!


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[Assistant] To me, that's what breaks a comic bookie. Cause if you read a comic book, I know that there's like, there'll be hacky, funny lines in comic books that like, are like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have like, to have the second, uh, Guardians of the Galaxy.


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[Assistant] Ant-Man 2 didn't really kind of danced around, but it was kind of all worth it at that last scene after the credits. You basically went to Ant-Man 2 to get up to this point.


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[Assistant] Did I go? No, I started on a flight. They're all great in the air.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'll fall into Avengers, I'll just cut to the middle.


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[Assistant] Like on, on, uh, Infinity War, the first one? Yeaah. I'll go, I'll go right to FUNCY.


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[Assistant] Here's how you know Greg is a true nerd. A conversation about the Super Bowl went into a 10 minute review of the Avenger, the next Avengers film and I'm happy to be here for it. I didn't know you were a nerd.


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[Assistant] Did I watch the Super Bowl? Thank you for asking. I watched from a casino in the Bahamas.


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[Assistant] The best time. This is the thing, when people say Super Bowl was boring, I get the game was a boring game. But the game owes you nothing.


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[Assistant] You, they put on the show, the show is what the show is, they don't, it's not scripted, this is how it goes, you're, the Super Bowl is given to you, it goes on TV, it owes you nothing after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all the people are like, it was boring, it's like, maybe you didn't have a good enough party that you were at. Did you do, did you bet on the game?


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[Assistant] Did you drink a couple beers? Did you get a little loose? Did you yell some profanities at Tom Brady? How was your? What did you do to make this party good? I had, like, my brother and I, we took five- You went all the way to the Bahamas! I went, got a tan, drank on the beach, and then we put a bunch of bets on all different prop bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we had prop bets on, you know, Brady's completions.


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[Assistant] It's 10-3, like I had no idea. Because I'm too busy kind of under the table high-fiving my brother over Brady getting his first interception.


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[Assistant] Cause we're like, we bet on him having one interception. So, I, I, like, when it was, you know, the, you know, the salvo kind of, we all can't be, you know, Hollywood people like yourself, Shane, but you know, we, you know, we created our own, you have to, we have to create our own fun. Yeah, yeah. So when, so when everyone's like, it's boring, like the, the halftime show, what did the halftime show owe you?


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, so the halftime show, to me that's the story of the Superbowl, is how anger


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how angry the halftime show made people?


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[Assistant] Now, Shane, what'd you think of the halftime show?


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[Assistant] The minute it got announced, people were angry. Ever?


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[Assistant] Well, they suck. It's just, that's the retweetable position. Yeah, yeah. Is they suck. But why? Because it's top 40 bullshit music? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who should have been put in there instead of them? Van Halen.


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[Assistant] Van Allen. All the time. But that's the thing that they are, you're competing with, the only thing I, the only band that could be put in for the Super Bowl halftime show right now is old bands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I don't think there could be any new young top 40 person that could come in without- Katy Perry was fun. Katy Perry was pretty fun. Katy Perry was fun. Lady Gaga was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm saying they've already, they've done it already. They do it to promote a tour. That's true. So like when is, what, I just think the internet has, everyone on the internet has turned into like Statler and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Waldorf. The whole internet. Like, the news came out, everyone was like, fuck Maroon 5. So now, like, I kind of feel bad


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are all walled- the thing is like, I always think of like,


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[Assistant] Well, they said that he mailed it in, he was kind of half-limb singing.


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[Assistant] Gabby just matumbo'd Shane's, uh, dip throw he was gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notorious for leaving their dip stuff around.


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[Assistant] Not trying to put this on you, Shane, but the community of DIP users, their cups are- that is not a thing people want to clean up. I would never leave it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I used to hang with a lot of dippers. At least you didn't have to water in your face, that's all. So, hold on, so where were we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think this is our last white halftime performer?


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[Assistant] You have to be a Stadium Act to do the Super Bowl, so that takes down the group. Maroon 5, whether you like it or not, Stadium Act. Yeah, yeah. Share. Stadium Act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, uh, the creator of SpongeBob was, died this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was this outreach where Spongebob fans wanted a song from Spongebob Squarepants


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[Assistant] And then, here's how crazy the internet is, okay? This story makes me hate the internet so fucking much. So Maroon 5 tipped their cap to the SpongeBob people, and they did like an interlude playing some SpongeBob music, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The biggest fucking TV event of the year. Yeah. They did a nod to this group of fucking losers. And then the story today is that all the- Losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm comparing, these losers are on the same field. The ones that would get mad over the horn of Abu Dhabi not being correct on the internet is the same losers that would sit at home going, cause what happened was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These internet losers, now one is cheering for, you know, Marvel, whatever. This is the same SpongeBob losers are going, they go, we wanted a specific song played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're mad that he didn't play victory, what's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the moment they got what they wanted, they're like, they got a nod to a show that they love that everyone watching the Super Bowl who doesn't know the show would go, yeah, I didn't even notice that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we're mad it wasn't enough. It's n- just to know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Super Bowl. So they got what they wanted. They got the moment, they got the acknowledgement. It just wasn't what they exactly wanted. And it's like, it just kinda, this is to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is what, this is what the internet is now. Like this is, this is, I'm prepared.


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[Assistant] And it explains everything else. Like everything that people get mad about, it's never gonna be what everyone, what this person was. It's never gonna amount to the thing. It's always gonna be Maroon 5 sucks, and they pissed on the grave of the SpongeBob creator. Lookit, they had it in the thing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like your stupid fucking cartoon got acknowledged. Good work. Woah, woah, woah, woah. That's a great cartoon. That's the thing, they got, you got what you wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took off his shirt throughout the halftime. And people were saying, well, this is, why is this any different than Janet Jackson? I can answer that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your issue shouldn't be with the FCC, it should be with the society at large. If you want to get into an argument with someone, oh Janet Jackson shows her boob and it's not allowed, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When have you ever watched a TV show, when have you ever watched a TV show where there's just everyone walking around topless on, on regular, basic cable? Not counting National Geographic. You know that science shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They even played a scene from it. And you got an issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, and then there was people saying that they wanted him to propose during the halftime. Who? Travis Scott. To who? To Kylie Jenner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funniest part is that before Michael Jackson, there wasn't even these halftime shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they had marching bands, like doing an ode. They would be like, and now an ode to Motown. And then bring out a band to do that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What year was that in? Florida? Lookit, 1971, Florida A&M Band. Damn.


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[Assistant] Like, this is an invention of our own reality. This is, yeaah, it gets bigger and better. Like the wedding ring. Yeaah, this is the wedding ring. This is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I, I, let's play it right now, but I, I don't know if we can go back. To me, it was- Well, you just need great artists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What year did, what year did Prince do this? I just think that going into the Super Bowl, all you hear is feedback now. All you hear is a lineup of people going, in third grade, you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slap my ass, Maroon 5, and it's like, oh now, you know, the accu- just anything he did is now, he's now a politi- everyone's a politician leading into these big events.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sharks, that's what the Katy Perry thing shark were, cause it didn't take it's sa- you have to be more ironic than the internet could make you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, you know, speaking of trash, we should put up, uhm, go to the Patriots Parade was today. If you go, the best part about a Northeast team winning any championship


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the parade. No town like New York, Philly, Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Jersey-ish, wherever you go in those areas will always have ridiculous fights happening at the Super Bowl Parade. And I believe it was put up on one of these, uh, Barstool might have put it up, where they literally just a face off of a bunch of sullies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just everyone, everyone looked like, it was like, Murph, Sully, and like every version of Southie came together like, we won? Now we fight. You like apples? Look at this, I saw this earlier today, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just funny that there are people out there that are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, Philly's gonna go cra- they all go crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, then they had Gronk on the, on the float.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's great. Look at Gronk. Yea, you gotta have some despair. Yea. You get despair. Middle. Yea. And then he gets out and he wins and it's great. Look at Gronk. He pulls out a bottle of wine. They're chugging beers that are getting


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was garbage, but he went up with enthusiasm. That's why everyone likes what he does. Look at this. I like that he wore a jacket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that was the joke that was, pause it for a second, that was the joke that was written for him. He looked at the guy and goes, everyone try to buy me drinks. And the guy was like, shots, B12, you need to rehydrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Yeaah. Those are like weird pants. This is how you dress up in Buffalo. That's where he's from. Let's go on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Lenny Clark. Lenny should have given him shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, you watch this and you're like, man, stand-up must be really cool right now for the guy who's a fuckin' Super Bowl champion, be like, I wanna do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would avert the person. Because at least at DN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of people doing, uh, jobs that they're not used to, let's go to this next story that we have. This is the Bobby Kelly Memorial, um, uncomfortable story that we talked about on the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is the dad, so for the listeners at home, a dad who lost, I mean, a kid. He'd lose him. They know right where he is. Okay. Play the laugh track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy responded to Louie by saying, doing his own version of Dead Baby Joke.


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[Assistant] I know. Well, that's the thing. You put the veil of the issue over yourself and you say, you can't disagree with this. You can't go, you can't go, you can't have someone do a dead baby joke being angry at Louis and then go, but well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's a tough watch because you're like, you're sitting there going, I know exactly, I agree with you that it's everything that happened is all


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it gets put on your feed and people go, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Louie's doing a joke where he's referencing them and like, you know, referencing the idea of children telling adults how to act. And then it's like, yeah, and also it was released before it was ready. It wasn't even a worked out joke. People there were laughing. And then it's like, this guy comes out and it's like, I get what he's doing, but like, I guess my point is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he, if he at the end of this was like, here's the, I don't know if he at the end, does he give a place that you can go and talk to people about gun control? Or is this about shaming Louis for making the joke?


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[Assistant] I would now, I kinda wanna see how, how, how good your dad looks after your death. Now I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a widow maker, man. The winter will get ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meanwhile in Russia, you ever follow the, there's an Instagram account that's a, look at this Russian. No, but. Dude, it's all crazy shit like this. Yeah, it's, it's all this stuff and you're like, man, Russia is nuts. Russia's kind of killing us right now. I love that Russian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like the whole country saw jackass for the first time and they're like, game on! These guys are pussies. Yeah, we'll out-jackass you. Like they're playing with a grizzly bear right now. The bear has a trumpet. It has a trumpet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our eagle, our eagle as a scar, our eagle, yeah, no, eagle's totally different now. It's got a scarf on, a beanie.


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[Assistant] Shane's gonna be in front of a mission accomplished sign. Just hanging out on a fucking aircraft carrier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is wild! The bear is really good at wrestling.


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[Assistant] This is why Russia's gonna take us down. I think it's fun biting them though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greg, tell us what's going on. You got dates, or are you just here for the album?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby's Patreon is on fire, he's doing tons of video, he's doing from the shed, he's got, he's got more up there than most people have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta pump that up. Listen, I love Patreon, I got my own. It's a great way to follow people that you enjoy and support them in the way that their stuff supports you. And Bobby's has the most going on, more than mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he's got really great stuff on there. The videos are awesome. He was telling me about this camera he got to shoot better videos in his shed with different angles and shit. And you're like, oh, okay, you're putting time into this. This is good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a video. Go to NFL memes on Twitter. There's a great video that someone just sent me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To close out this show. I love Pittsburgh Steelers fans that are angry at football. Cause their lives are miserable right now. Their team stinks. They have nothing but strife. They're mad. They don't like the team that they have. It makes me very happy. We can't follow this? NFL memes? Yea, go to this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a weird sports nerd thing to do. To put on a jersey of a team not even playing just to watch the game that's going on. Ugh, he got problems. Bad fans exist in every town. That guy is the same dude fighting on the streets of Boston. His fellow man. Well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it for me. What's your plugs, Jared? My plugs, at Jared Freed on Instagram. I put everything there. I'll be in Miami on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] February 15th and I'm gonna be in Boston, Laugh Boston, February 28th through March 2nd. Come on out to those shows. Uhm, I got a whole 20 minutes on that dad talking about his son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so come on out. At Jared Freed on Instagram. This is, you know what dude, been a pledge to guest host. Uhm, is this how we end? Peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, uh, the top got ripped off. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the screws going, uh, perpendicular to the top into the legs on the right side got pulled out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you want to lift the right, your right side of the desk, the top, it'll come up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So those screws would have to be come out maybe shifted over an inch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the shelf cracked off near the TV, so that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The screws toward you stayed in, but the ones by the TV broke off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was never obvious, but there were signs that maybe something could, but nothing ever happened. So I was like, oh, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fuck is a Stevie Lou? He has some sort of corporate job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He comes in here dressed up and he can print stuff for free at work. So, it has to be a big enough place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because there was some turmoil with Jared, you know, it wasn't just a Facebook thing. So Stevie Lou was trying to sneak in there when he could and try to lend his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He started about six months ago, he's been open micing and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The heckling just made him mad, and he walked off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but then Dave threatened to not beat him up but have people that he knows beat Stevie up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause there's a, there's like five minutes in between him leaving, getting heckled and leaving and then him coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He walked out of the studio, walked out the door, came back and stood in this lobby area that kinda checked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I chimed in a few times through the door and then went to leave again and that's when Dave was like, I could get people to beat you up and desk went over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made that immediate decision, I was just like, he's forever like, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We lock Stevie Lu out and all of a sudden we hear this knocking on the door and we're like, oh, it's fucking Stevie Lu. We're like, hello? It's Brian!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is his, uh, Yelp page, like home page for people to review him on Yelp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 13 million. 2.7 million. 2.7? That's not, is that his latest one? Yeaah, he only has a half a million subscribers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was her buddy when I worked at the house. I know. The second the show was over was she was coming at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it so you can't say where it is, so. Oh, interesting. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's like, yeah, I'm a fucking talk show host. The fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are your friends horrified yet? I dunno. You guys know this is all part of the show, right?


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[Assistant] I fucking gave you a form for a goddamn year. You're being a little sensitive weirdo. Weirdo. This is an absolute fucking insane epic meltdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have met, I've been in your studio, and that's how we became friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Andrew, I've got your pictures that I bought from you also framed and I will send you a picture of the pictures. Thanks so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything you guys do is just absolutely top notch. Thanks a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very excited because we've gotten a couple of voicemails and I can't wait to hear them. I love hearing from our callers. Let's play the first one now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Dr. Pamela Crane. Welcome to my podcast, Private Practice.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to set my, uh, camera up, sorry. I probably should have done this before, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause none of this is going to sway me at all. Uh, I would like for, uh, Mr. Shane Gillis, the representative for Robert Kelly to present his case first. Then I will hear from Pete Larios, uh, my Kelta's attorney. Uh, Shane, go ahead whenever you're ready. Go get him, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you should all know, I have not heard any of the audio. I don't know what the bet is. I know somewhat what the bet is, but I thought I was going to be presented with audio so that I could hear the actual phrasing of what the bet is and what the terms of the bet were.


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[Assistant] Yeah, can I hear that audio, that clip again, the second part of the audio where they kind of amend the first part?


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[Assistant] Well, I'm not making a ruling now. Apparently, apparently because of, uh, faulty preparations, I have to listen to this whole goddamn podcast before I can make a ruling tomorrow. I don't even know what this ruse was for, but I will listen to the podcast tomorrow, uh, and make my ruling tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is not something I'm prepared to answer now. I do have an answer, but I'm going to save that for my ruling. I can't tip my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even though the Pittsburgh Steelers picked up Claypool from Notre Dame, I will not let that sway my decision.


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[Assistant] Uh, as, uh, as the, uh, paralegal for the council, uh, this was made after the bet was already finalized on Tuesday, so if any changes were made to that bet, that's up to you to decide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a very loose word for producer, I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am aware that Mysticalca hired him. That's not the question I asked. Are you aware that he is a producer on your show?


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[Assistant] So yes or no? Yes or no? Yes or no? Yes. Okay. And then I would like to also ask, have you had some sort of agreement where you pay mush, he pays Austin and that's splitting for the KELTA brand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, Mr. Kelly. I'll take it from here. I'll take it from here. I can only rule on what I hear, what is presented to me. So you have to present everything. So far, the audio that I have is that the last piece of audio that we just heard is that the last piece of audio that I'm going to be hearing from this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm asking you now is listen, listen. So we heard the two clips earlier. Okay. And that was from a show that was prior to this show that we just heard this latest clip because that was Saturday show. Is there any more audio from Saturday show the later show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I need to hear because as of right now, we were saying that this is the last amended bet that you did before the game on Sunday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well I'm going to tell you this, both Mr. Kelly and Mr. Kelta and your lawyers, representatives and or producers, whoever you want in there, it is on your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you guys made. What was the last that you made and how was it worded and presented?


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[Assistant] I will hear what you say after he is through. Please do not interrupt again. I will hold you in contempt. I said contempt!


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[Assistant] Uh, thank you. Kelly, before you start your stuff, I would like to say make sure that Austin, Mike Helton, make sure as the, well, you're both defendants, but make sure that, uh, Austin sends that to not only me, but also Mr. Kelly. So they have that in their files. And so he can agree on it. Mr. Kelly, go ahead with what you want to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not prepped by either side as to what to do and not put, so. Thank you. As my own. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Austin is a producer for both of you under the guise of Kel- Kelta and Kelly. Uh, you talking to mush goes under the same ruling, so he should have got you this stuff. If he didn't, that's on him, that's also on you. So, but I am allowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For you to get me any other audio and make sure that it's sent to Kelly's side as well so that they can review it and they can confirm it as well and we will have that up until the, uh, uh, final verdict tomorrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His beauty, his beauty does not change his stats. I will leave it at that and I will accept the audio. Real quick, to save you some time. I did find more audio. It is prior to what you've heard already. So it is in between the two clips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have already heard. So this is before. Okay, explain this to me, Mush. This is in between the first two clips and the last clip I heard. Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You saw two clips from the show, this is in between those two clips when I was asked to stop playing. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's all the audio from what you guys talking about football on the bet. There's something else on that episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm a judge, please don't downgrade me to a attorney. I'll hold you in contempt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I don't think I didn't try and find a robe for today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I tell you my honest opinion?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well follow me at Mike V. Suarez, follow the show at Calton Kelly on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Tune in tomorrow on the Patreon-only episode to find out who won, uh, this court case. Uh, thank you to Fat JC, Chris Collins, and everyone else who helped give timestamps, uh, and Austin for giving us that timestamp at the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and he is a producer. I was killing time while I pulled the clip up, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, uh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Welcome back!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The great Dave Landau joins me, uh, per ushe, of course, but we also have Tommy Pope and Shane Gills here. Hey, Gillis, not Gills. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Shane Gills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least he left on a terrible movie called Wagon's East. Wagon's East. So many celebrities, uh, they made their last movie and then died and their last movie was just shit. Oh, garbage. But, like, they have a great catalog regardless of what their last movie was. But, uh, just shit. And that's one of them. Wagon's East.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This looks so bad, just without even sound. It just looks bad. Horrible. Oh, what's this, a gun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm watching this one tonight. There's a lot of slapstick in it. Oh look, he got hit in the balls. Oh, he fell. Oh, this is racist now. I can't, uh, sanction this with the Indians. That's probably Italian. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listening to these words. Oh my god. Did you get in on a Tesla at all today? No. The market took a big dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Tesla took a shit today because the whole market's down. Really bad because, I don't know, like, bonds went up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the American people. We're making some money now. Things are kind of good. People are working. No one wants to put their money in something where they're getting 2-3% interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've been in the market for years now making 20% on their money. Uh, uh, and they don't want to stop doing that. So when bonds go up, they're like, ooh, let's put money in bonds. And then the market takes a shit and then they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey this sucks, we're not making any money. Put it back in the market and it goes back up. Trust your friend Anthony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, that happened with Tesla today, so I'm back in. If you look at Tesla's, uh, chart for like a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or three months, six months. It is like this. Swinging hundreds of dollars. And that's where you make your goddamn money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give us a six month. Give us a six month. Look at every one of those peaks and valleys. Moneymakers!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The numbers are still the same. They're still selling the same amount of pizza. They're still fucking doing everything they do. So the mechanics of the company didn't change. It's just outrage that drove the stock down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So me and Davyboy here, we fuckin' buy in immediately. You guys bought into Papa John's? The next day, the stock shoes back up! Cuz the outrage is gone! Wait a second, is this real? Yeah, it's real, for real. So we're calling it Envestor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just reasonable facsimile thereof, cause Elon Musk called the guy a pedophile that saved those


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess not. I never heard of that, so I do it all the time. Oh, falsely accused. I was gonna say John Travolta's a faggot, but you said falsely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, I, I did that. So, uh, anybody who's following my stocks, uh, and wants to get along.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good. It's going really well. Yeaah. Yeaah, like thousands. It's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then you do it like Nike was a prime example. The whole Kaepernick thing happens, Nike signs them, the stock takes a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy on outrage. Buy on outrage. And then, the next couple of days, it was like, wow, they're selling a fuckload of sneakers, boom, it shoots back up, you cash out, and you wait for your next GENIUS investment moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Elon Musk, uh, smoked a joint on Joe Rogan's podcast, we fucking bought some chocolate again. And then you cash out, buy on outrage because it has nothing to do with the mechanics of the company. All the numbers are the same. The math didn't change. And that works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got it delivered yesterday, but I still have my old one, and I have no idea why I bought the new one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I buy the phone, and then, uh, it's always a pain in the ass, you gotta transfer everything over, and it's pretty easy now, you just put the phone next to each other, and it kinda, but, but you still gotta arrange your apps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't arrange the apps like, ah, it just loads them all on, and now you gotta sit there and make your folders again, and everything, and it's a pain in the ass. So I did all that, and then I'm realizing like, there's no difference except the screen's a little bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I bought this probably $1100 and I have no idea why I did it except that I'm brainwashed like everyone else to buy the new Apple product when it comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I know! They always turn to shit. These phones turn to shit after a while and then you have to buy a new one. But I'm brainwashed. That's all. That's all it is. That's what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I wanted to tell everyone. You go no case. Is that I'm brainwashed. You go no case on that? I have a little case on this one, but I go no case. I'm raw. I raw dog my phones. Fuck that. That's crazy. I'm not putting something on my dick. You do a lot of crazy shit. You do a lot of crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, I got kicked off, uh, multiple times, obviously. But, uh, yeaah, they kicked me off of that. And then I just, I got suspended from Facebook, so I just pulled that account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I started a new one where I just follow my family and shit so I could see dumb pictures. Well, you don't have a wife at home, so you're not chucking it across a room into pieces. No, that's true, but I have had them chucked at me. That's my minus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. The message came up on the front. Where did it hit you? I was in the shower. The eye? No, it hit me right in the side of the head. So it was a headphone. It just hit the bottom of the fucking shower and I just watched. Oh, a headphone. Yeaah, it's an iPhone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I had it lobbed at my head because a message came up and I was too stupid to make the phone, uh, set the phone so no messages show on the front, you know, and she saw it. I was in the shower at the time and I thought so too. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Checking your cameras to see if something's going on when you know the significant other is at the house or something. That's a, that's one of these moments. Okay, oh good. Good. Oh my god. Yea, if I had suspicions I don't think I'd look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're not, uh, partaking in, uh, sober October, I see. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can lie about it, but people see. People see it. I don't know. I'm still going. I haven't, uh, I haven't buckled yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Garrett's gonna get me a new mic cord. That's a big cord. What does it do? Does it crackle or does it just cut out? Crackles. It crackles. My voice is too powerful for these electronics. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, I had to go to my father's funeral when I was eight years old and I don't want that to happen to my son. I want to be there for when he BOOM!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't like Pete Davidson. He crumbled up my business card. Fuck him. Did he really? Yeah, we were at the Patrice O'Neill benefit with Keith and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were, uh, in the elevator with him, cause he was doing it that day. We were backstage. It wasn't like he was just like, Hey man, like he knows who I am. And Keith gave him a card and said, Hey Pete, we'd like to have you on the show. Here's, you know, a card. And Keith only gave like two cards out. One was to a girl.


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[Assistant] That was, uh, like representing some of the comics. And the other was Pete Davidson.


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[Assistant] So we're going down in the elevator and we see the business card crumpled up in the corner of the elevator. So me and Keith are like, dude, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] And, uh, so we go to the girl, and it's like, did we give you a card? Do you have the card? And she goes, oh yeah, yeah, here it is. And we knew, we like Colombo. We fucking figured that one out pretty quick. And then we knew it was Pete Davidson that crumbled the card up in


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[Assistant] Whole eight mile. Now he lives up in fucking Harlem, he just can't get away. I just love them blacks. Alright. Hey!


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[Assistant] Here comes the big one. Insider trading there. What does McGuinness want here? Let me see.


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[Assistant] They're just terrible. Oh, just terrible. We've had conversations of what our story would be if someone gets our text. We've had like cover stories. Alright, you say this, I'll say this.


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[Assistant] Someone got their ass handed to them just because they were wearing one of the proud boys shirts. Like, uh, yeah, yeah. What is that? Perry Ellis, the black Perry Ellis with the gold trim. Some guy was at a bar and a bunch of people came up to him and just started going, yeah, you fucking Nazi. And the guy's like, what?


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[Assistant] I didn't know you were insecure about your body. That's uh, yea, you don't want to get your shirt ripped off. In school they used to do, they can't do this now, it's probably too shameful. But uh, shirts and skins, when they'd be like, alright, gym teacher, shirts and skins, we're playing basketball. And it was just like, I don't want, I was like,


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[Assistant] I should have, it should have been, uh, striped pajamas, like concentration camp pajamas, I should have had. I was like this. I was emaciated. No way. No way.


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[Assistant] First of all, you're, you're vulnerable, you're more vulnerable with your shirt on. I'm not like that, you know, and they like shirts and skin, so I'd be like, oh, it's going to be shirts and skin, please, please, shirts, please, shirts.


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[Assistant] I'm not comfortable. Maybe we're not comfortable about our bodies at 10 years old.


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[Assistant] I, I, I've told this story. I made it through one fucking wrestling thing in school. Uh, it was, you know, you go the bottom and the kids on top and he's got the arm and the arm around you and it's like, that blows the whistle. This guy took his hand, went right between my legs.


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[Assistant] He just throws me on the ground, and I'm like, yeaah, I'm done with this wrestling thing.


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[Assistant] He's like a Westminster judge, like look at this guy. Let's check his balls, let's look at his asshole. Yeah, that's how I felt. And I was like, why would I want to be in an activity where another guy grabs your balls and


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I heard one wrestler, he, uh, duct taped one of his, uh, classmates ass shut. And then ripped it off and the hair came off and he was crying.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like he's the one that was just like, you're all a bunch of fucking assholes and the principal guy's a douche. He's not just going through life. It's like, yeah, I can relate to that guy.


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[Assistant] In wake of Brett Kavanaugh blaming his disturbing high school yearbook references on film influences. So, uh, Kavanaugh was talking about, hey, you know, some of the shit we wrote in the yearbook, it was the same, around the same time as things like Caddyshack and


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[Assistant] Uh, animal house and, and the John Hughes movies. And we would just kind of go with that, you know? People are influenced by movies, their language and everything like that. Uh, so now she's all pissy about it, uh, saying that


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[Assistant] The, the behavior in these movies were bad, even for the time. It was acceptable back then, but she says it shouldn't have been.


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[Assistant] Isn't it great to judge things in hindsight, like movies especially? Right. You take a movie from the 60s, 70s or 80s and not


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[Assistant] I have enough like sense to realize, oh, it was made during a time that was completely different than now. So you're supposed to be able to judge everything based on today, Thursday's standards of what the fuck is going on.


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[Assistant] In Sixteen Candles, uhm, uh, the character Jake. He's so hot. Cavalierly boasts he can do whatever he wants to his intoxicated girlfriend. I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold, he states. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to. And everyone laughs because it was, that's funny. It's a comedy.


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[Assistant] And it's accurate. She's all uh, she's all uh, angry.


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[Assistant] You want to a corpse too. Uh. Shun candy warm?


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[Assistant] I, yeah. Well maybe still. Maybe.


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[Assistant] So she's just a fucking asshole. Ten ways to Sunday. Doesn't he tell, like, I think she's all drunk.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, the other guy, like, takes her, the nerdy kid. Yeah. Takes her and fucks her. Duck. No, no, not- No, the kid from fucking, uh, we all know. Fuck from he be- he was in the, uh, stupid- Vacation. Fucking- Michael- Rusty- Michael, yeah. Rusty? Yeah, Rusty. Why am I blanking on that? Because-


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[Assistant] That's what happened to me. I was a skinny little kid, and then I just got fucking yoked. Got jacked. It's crazy. That's how I am, you know.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Uh, then they have, oh, oh, oh, this, uh, Theresa, Theresa May? Who is she, from England?


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[Assistant] She's from England. She's some old English, uh, hag that runs, uh, England.


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[Assistant] Well, she, uh, came out, uh, on stage to Abba's dancing queen. And if you ca- this is, could be the worst example of white people dance. Ever. Ever.


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[Assistant] This kid's a little baron. Little, little baron's a little autistic.


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[Assistant] There was, one time I was going to this retarded school, uhm, I wasn't going, I wasn't enrolled. I was going there with my girlfriend because my girlfriend's sister was picking up my girlfriend.


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[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. I didn't quit smokin'. She, she, her sister worked there with, with the little retarded, uh, kids and, and, uh, adults. They were, they were, uh, like in their twenties and stuff. And they were doing an art show, you know? That's nice.


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[Assistant] So I went and stood out front, waiting for her to come out, and there was a, uh, uh, a pole with reflectors on it that were on springs. So I was sitting there, and, and, and I'm standing, and I'm flicking the reflector on the spring, trying to figure out


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[Assistant] What the difference in length would make in the oscillation of the spring. No, no, it was awesome. But a car pulled up and got out and the people in the car were like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, uh, I don't know. I put myself in some weird situations every so often just for girls, you know.


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[Assistant] Uh, it, it was, uh, but you do that shit. You gotta do all that shit with your, your girl. Go to shitty movies.


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[Assistant] I would just go around, if I were you, I would just go around looking for women that are having trouble with their car. You just come up and go, hey man, let me take a look under the hood. And then just lift her skirt up. Yeaah, I meant under your clit hood.


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[Assistant] Married is a lot different. Yea, it's the worst. Yea, married is different. It's great. It's ju- I know. Oh, I mean it's fantastic. It's great. It's wonderful. It's so hot. Beaten down. Married sex so good.


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[Assistant] Uh, oh, this is fucking just crazy sad. This poor son of a bitch. He was, uh, peeping on a neighbor. Hell yea. This guy, he's, uh- Broke my arm. I mean, innocent.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, he, uh, he was, he reportedly told the police as they were arresting him, Y'all gonna ruin my life!


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[Assistant] Exactly, in a mug shot. The woman's father, Scott Warshaw, said he received a call from a neighbor who said he'd seen a man dressed in black wearing a ski mask peeping in the window of Warshaw's home. The neighbor called us.