[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The neighbor called us and said, I've called the police, I just got off the phone and they're here. I've been watching this guy for 30 to 40 minutes, peeping in your daughter's room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suspect fled the scene, uh, when police arrived, uh, the cops came in from both sides and caught him and wrestled him, uh, wrestled the phone away from him because he didn't want to give up that phone. Cause how many phones did he have? The evidence. I bet he had one cause he's not buying pizzas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The owner of the home and daughter says, uh, my wife and I almost died. I was blown away. I know him personally. He's a high profile guy. Very popular here. Uh, oof. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right in the head. Took his head off. Yeah, it was a little weird, but you know, I needed magnification and, uh, the crosshairs didn't hurt. That was the closest thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Convicted a teacher lured a boy 14 with a watch and acne meds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, come on. She was the judge. Wow. Imagine that, yeah, just her math class get up. She just needed that 14 year old cock. They really, what, hey guys. The best cocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Children who are sexually exploited either physically or through dissemination of child pornography suffer immeasurable harm, said Ivan Arvelo, a special agent. That guy who never got pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, this significant sentence cannot repair the damage done. It should serve as a stark reminder that we are watching and the aggressive investigation and prosecution of predators remain high priority here. Uh, Jesus Christ. I don't know, 14 is right at the line. There's some- Hey, dude!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if a woman wants to have sex with them, and they're like dudes, that's different than... I was a late bloomer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right? I was 13 when, uh, my virginity was stolen from me by a big-titted animal, uh, down in San Juan Capistrano, California. You were in your prime. It was wonderful. I was 14. Greatest thing ever. I was 14 when I lost my virginity. Yeah, see? It was both of us together. Yeah, it was me and you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are 14 year olds that look like they're in high school and 14 year olds that look like they're 8 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a different story. I'm just saying. I'm not saying legal- I'm not talking about legalities. I'm not talking about ethics and morality. I'm talking purely from a- an aesthetic viewpoint. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now on the other side, it's always bad if it's the guy teacher and the girl. It's always bad. 14, 15 year old girl with a teacher, that will never fly and will always be bad because that's just the double standard. It definitely fucks up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever we get to class on time, I got your watch. I got your watch, so you're on time, and I got this. Thank you, you big mouthful of braces. Thank you Mrs. Maradrigo. You're welcome. Eat my ass. You can call, you can call me whatever her name is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 years, though, is a bit, uh, excessive. Oh, 10 years in the joint. She's gonna be fucking ravaged in a female prison. He's not gonna look at her. Oh, look at that! Goddamn right he does. Michael, uh, let's go to the phones here. He's a smart boy. Uh, Michael?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember those days. We appreciate your loyalty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, have a nice evening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and a, and a high and hearty fuck you, Mike. This feels real. This is what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't her whole act sexual assault? Yeah, she said a cab driver, um, fingered her, so I don't know how sexually assaulted he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, Amy, she's so brave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She is. Uh, that's, uh, yeaah. I-I don't get that whole thing. I don't get the protesting. It's gonna be fun when she bails herself out with all her money and no one else in the jail. Yeah, yeah. Bye! Eww, get away from me. Don't touch me. I'm not signing anything. He's another phony.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just like fucking phonied it up. She says she was the phony when she was the other Amy early on. That was the fake Amy, the one that would make sex jokes and race jokes and things like that. Now she's saying she's totally like, she's horrified she ever said those things. And, uh, yeah, shut up. And she's like the cousin of Chuck Schumer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to see how many hollywood fucking celebs go to their house, have a safe room where they just shut the door and scream the n-word. Well not everybody has a studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She might not be, but I think she just hit that level of fame where this is the batshit phase. Yea, you have to, because all of her friends, Jay Law is one of her friends, Jennifer Lawrence, and all the other like liberal fucking people, so she's gotta fit in with that crowd. And if you don't, you end up tossed to the wayside, as they call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Is she still doing movies or is the last one- Amy, that- what, you didn't like- I feel pretty- What was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do we have anything like, uhm, what? Fuckin', uhm, RETDSI or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we should just install a urinal. That'd be great. Behind everybody's desk there and you can just sit and piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, feel free to, uh, urinate. I'm gonna urinate. Well, I tell, sure. Oh, great. I tell everybody about, uh, Bet DSI. How'd you like to double that money of yours guaranteed? Sure you would. Football season's underway. Last week, uh, weekend, what a great opportunity to make some dough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, money to you kids. Did you double your money? Well, our friends at Pet DSI are making that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right! Isn't that funny when they put things like that's right in reads? It's been done for so long. That's right! Lemme tell ya!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, deposit to start winning. Get up to $2,500 free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double your money right from the get-go when you use that promo code KUMIABALL. When it comes to football, Bet DSI's got odds on everything you could ever want or imagine. Whether it's the NFL or NCAA football, MLB, NBA, UFC, eSports, all of the global sports. I don't know what that is. What's a global sport? Like soccer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I would have to bet a lot of money to be interested in cricket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the crowd is crazy, they're all drinking. And they're so good. Like I will sit there and if I get one triple twenty and then two twenties, I'm like, I'm fucking awesome. They're like, trip twenty, trip twenty, trip twenty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They fucking are amazing! You can bet on that!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatevs, how about politics, celebrities, reality shows? If it's happening, Bet DSI is going to put a line on it. Bet DSI, been around for 20 years, built an impeccable reputation for great service, fast payment combined with an excellent mobile interface, so you can play, win, and get paid anytime, anywhere. You know you're ready to join.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join Bet DSI today, using that promo code KumeyaBall, and you've already won. Double that bankroll right away. And, uh, it's the promo code KumeyaBall. There it is. Bum, bum, bum. Look at that. Whoa. Whoa, I almost had it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, promo code KUMIABALL and get in the action and get paid. Don't stand on the sidelines this season. Be in it to win it and enjoy the games that much more when you play at betdsi.com. Thank you so much, betdsi.com. Oh, I'm alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could just relax a minute. This is nice. Uh, please entertain me. Uh, entertain that I'm just gonna do this for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's out jerking each other's cocks in the bathroom. That's what they're doing. Just happened. They all had their dicks out, they're pissing, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Dave, that's a nice cock. Oh, thank you Pope. How you doing? Can I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I just touch it? No, go right ahead. It's just a cock. And then he grabs it and he starts jacking it. Then they're two-fisting and crossing over. Choreograph like they're flossing. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing with each other's cocks. That's my, that's my, uh, daily fan fiction for you people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fan-fictioning. Oh really? So you came first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister was giving me shit about the Yankees. She goes, uh, well, Boston will take care of them. And I say, you know what? At least I could still go to a Yankee game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a MET fan, so it's that whole thing. And it's appropriate because I'm a Yankee fan, and my little sister's the MET fan, of course, because it's either girls or faggots that like the METs. Or retards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is as cute as a drunk chick and the Hamptons fight. Yeah. Their little fuckin' halter tops and skirts. Yep. Love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. Uh, Suge Knight is, uh, sentenced to 28 years behind bars. Holy shit. Fucking Suge. He's a piece of shit. He really is, huh? Now you say it cause he's in jail. Brave Suge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haha! Of course, uh, we all remember him hanging, uh, vanilla ice out a window by his ankles, uh, for ripping him off or something. Did you see the video of him running over the guy? That's what this is for. Do we have the video of him, uh, it was a fatal hit and run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, he got, uh, convicted, or sentenced. 28 years behind bars. Uh, but he'll be, he'll be fine in the joint. I think he belongs there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's gonna fuck with Suge Knight. He belongs there. He's one of those guys that'll just do just fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be fine. Now we can eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so that's Shug's truck. You know what happens, so this guy... Probably wearing a matching shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shiiiit. Ah, Terry. I like how one car just drove by. Look at this guy like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just pulls trident out of his pocket. Are those a size 11? So if that was a gun...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why didn't he just say, hey, it was self-defense? Yea, he should have said he pulled a- I was using my truck. Especially if that's the video where you can't really see what happened. I can't see nothing. I would say he had a gun. Wow. That's fucked up. Dude, he's such a piece of shit. Yea, he really is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know it's amazing that we just watch snuff films now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like we don't even think about it. Years ago, when I was a kid, with faces of death was like the big thing. And it wasn't like 99% of it was fake. It was like, but the real shit was like news footage of plane crashes and you'd see pieces of bodies laying all over. But it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, did you hear about snuff films and things like that? And you'd be like, whoa, you never would see- and if you did see one, I think the first thing we ever saw was like, uhm, R. Bud Dwyer, the politician. He blew his brains out and it was just fucking repulsive. And we were freaked out. Now, you just watch and go, oh yeaah, okay. They thought he had a sec lunch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be in certain countries or I get upset. Well, it's always foreigners. I need something like, like when I watch Al Qaeda or, or ISIS getting blown up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking love those, could watch them all day, like watching Bugs Bunny to me. It's like watching a mouse walk into a trap. I don't care, yea, it doesn't matter. Even that makes me sadder. But if it, yea, the mouse. But if I'm watching like regular Americans, real people, getting hurt, that upsets me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, it's fuckin' Thursday. Four and a half in Colbeck. What? Yeah. Jesus. Uh, you can't even fuck robots in, uh, Houston, uh, Texas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh ho ho! God damn! Did you even imagine? Yea, so people come in, and the theory is, it's run like a whorehouse, you come in, you pick out your girl, you pay the man, and uh, and then you fuck this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you leave and apparently someone's supposed to clean these things out. Right. Uh, there's a cleaning process that takes hours they say, uh, but I'm not buying it. I think maybe they'll hose it out. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you are proving that you're, you're cleaning these things and sterilizing them, can the government still step in and say you can't have that as a business? I don't think they can, to be honest. I mean, it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is, he's cleaning them out again. Who's that? That's our cleaner. It just seems like if you want to start a business where people come in and fuck your sex dolls, uh, you should be able to. Yea, they're not people. What's the problem? Yea. I mean, are, are, are whack booths legal technically? I don't know anymore. They used to have them all over here in New York. Yea, I'll tell you. Fucking Disney. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the girls that, uh, couldn't do sushi. Where a slope can pay with your rope. Couldn't do nails. So then they got demoted down to the Yankee Cranky. Yeah. And then once you can't work in the Yankee Cranky, you just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't that be freedom of choice on your body? More so than the abortion. I think a woman should have the right to choose what she wants to do. And if she wants to fuck all day for money, why can't she do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. That's the important part. From what I understand, it's a very heavily cash industry. Oh yeah, yeah. Jerry Springer. Yeah, Jerry Springer wrote a check while he was mayor or something. What an idiot. That's how he got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think of how many came and went, uh, during the time he was on. There's just hundreds of those crazy talk shows that tried to, uh, do what he did, and he just, he lasted for the beginning to end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, just fucking do it. Yeah, you fucking- Yeah, that's the way the gook laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Did he, did your dad ever tell you stories about that or was he? He was one of those that like, cause I know a lot of veterans that have seen a lot of shit just like clam up a lot of times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine just being from a farm in the middle of America and then they ship your ass over to kill people in Europe and then girls are just doing things that you couldn't even fucking fathom. That had to be an amazing time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine? The guy goes home to a woman that's dressed like the fucking, the school marm from Little House on the Prairie, and he's like trying to, now he's gotta try to tell her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gotta try to tell her, like, that he likes getting his dick sucked and his fucking tongue up his ass. Like, what? He's un-American. She's freaking out at Missionary to have kids. And he's like, yea, how about you fucking... Yea, but he says it in Vietnamese by accident, he's like, Dong Bong Tao!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember Casey Anthony? We all love, we all love Casey Anthony. She was acquitted of murdering her daughter. Well, she's open to having...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Children. She's open to having some kids and she doesn't care what people think. I think she's 30. She's 32 now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was back in 2011, she was, uh, so she was- 32 in 2001? No, she's 32 now. And if she changes her mind, she can always buy a pool. Yeah, ah, yeah, you never know, you know. If she doesn't like that kid, just kill it like you did your first one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was such a strong advocate for Casey Anthony during the trial. I kept tabs on the whole thing and I knew, I knew she was being acquitted. And you would go to Casey Anthony, hashtag Casey Anthony, and Twitter was set up that way where you could retweet someone and actually change what they said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would change some of the words where people were supporting Casey Anthony and they were like wanted her dead and they'd get so mad. And then I would stick up for her and be like, why are you saying she's been through enough? She lost a child, leave this woman alone and just get hounded. It was the greatest troll of my life. Uh, but I knew I was like, I'd watch that trial and go, there's just no evidence of her


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was an accident. I think it was an accident due to gross negligence. And then she got rid of the body. But there was no evidence of it. So I'm like, she's gonna be acquitted. No, she's gonna burn in hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, she gotta quit it, and I couldn't have been happier because she looked great, those big FUCKING ITS!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does the jury, uh, how does the jury come to a decision? Yeah, Your Honor. What, what is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she could go out and fuck guys. That's what she did. She wanted to party. She had a kid. She had to be responsible. She did that. Uh, either the kid OD'd or, uh, drowned in the pool or something. I think the father was also complicit in getting rid of the body somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. A source close to Casey says, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I am blessed enough to have another child, if I'd be dumb enough to bring another kid into this world knowing that there'd be potential for some little snot-nosed kid would then say something mean to my kid, I don't think I could live with that, she said. So she's worried that some other kids are gonna badmouth the kid's mom. Because, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought she, there was some pictures of her, I don't like when her hair's up and I don't like when she's wearing, but there are some great pictures of her. The disguise, the disguise hat's kinda cute though. Yea yea, the disguise hat, the like baseball cap with the ponytail at the back. I've been saying for years, if she ever needs a place to live, Roslyn, Long Island's a wonderful place. I have a pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We check it all the time, so it's not like, you know. There's a very strong current in it. Yeah. I'd be like, wait, my cat's gone. Where did Beavis go? I found him in the woods with duct tape around his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A new crib, and then like, one of those things, a bouncy thing still in the box. Like by the curb, then you just know, oh, a stewed tomato fell on the floor. Yeah, a stroller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's name was Danny. We covered a shitload. Oh, yes. We run through the topics here, don't we? Oh, boy. Uh, here's a goddamn man. A couple of real men. Uh, there's a veteran here, a double amputee marine vet, and he's slamming social justice warriors. They're trying to redefine the word veteran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now a veteran is, uh, a soldier, somebody who's, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking balls on, on these people. That's disgraceful. That, uh, yeaah, well that's, that's apparently what they wanna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a double amputee has gotta address something like this? Like it's... Well he, uh, what happened to this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here it is. Can we as a nation begin now to consider expanding the category of veteran to include the diplomats and the mediators who work in conflict resolution and activists dedicated to preventing wars and bringing existing wars to diplomatic resolutions once they've begun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm exhausted from this country, uhm, just the world. The world is exhausting me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope this, uh, I hope something wraps up soon where, where we're done with this, where we move on to the next phase where political correctness and all this horse shit and comics not being able to say what they want because they're put in the same category as a doctor or a politician as far as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be in the same category as someone that got shot and then goes back and becomes a medic. Like that to me is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really gotta ask yourself if you could ever do something like this. This, uh, vet, 69 year old Vietnam vet lost his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gets his hands stuck in the sausage maker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then goes, yeah, well, that sucks. Gets a knife and had to cut his own arm off. Like a fucking cougar caught in a trap. Yeah. Let me see the, the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's that veteran? Uh, lemme see this guy. Just looks like a tough- OH MY GOD! Alright, he said multiple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a guy who cut his legs off too. Wow. He lost his arm there. Is that a tattoo? He shouldn't have any. Or is it like a bandana? I think it's a sock or something like that. Oh, a sock. I thought like there was a bunch of tattooed sausage came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't it look, it looks exactly like Bill Murray's place in Caddyshack. Well, I'm trying to, you know, credit trouble. He told me on my deathbed I'd have one appendage left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm just, I'm trying not to do any Trump, any fucking shit today. No, I love Trump. He's doing a, uh, he's doing another fucking, uh, another rally, I guess in Minnesota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember the other kid? He's too old now. I swear, I just saw a commercial for him before and he's like, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except he probably ain't gonna live as long. No, he's, you know, he's still in the wheelchair. What do you want from me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you think she- There it is. Yea, they're all- They're all adorable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna get older, she's gonna, like, fill out and become, uh, yeah, and then they're gonna be like, hey, did you fuck half a tyrannosaurus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you fuck half T-Rex yesterday? Yeah, that's so fucked up. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's adorable, he looks like a little elf. Go to that site and give them money. Yeah, give them money. Yeah. You fucking got a problem with it? Go donate some fucking money. That kid looks like Martin Short and Clifford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy Pope and Shane Gillis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at Tommy J. Pope and uh, at Shane M. Gillis. They are on A Fair One that airs every Wednesday night at 8pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tomorrow at, uh, Governor's in Brokerage, at the Brokerage in, uh, Belmore, right? Yea, Belmore Brokerage, 8 p.m. Belmore, 8 p.m. show tomorrow. Come on out Long Island and we'll hang out and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And see if I could, uh, keep this sober October thing up at a comedy club on a Friday night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're doing this. How about sober, weekday October? That's pretty good. Weekends are a little fucking, that's a little crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do that. Do that indeed. Uh, tonight nightshade at 11 p.m. eastern, 8 p.m. pacific time. And uh, tomorrow two drink minimum right here in this time swap because we don't come in on Friday. Our weekend starts right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry kids. Oh boy. You got one more day before your weekend. I'm going home to play video games and try not to drink. Uh, we'll see you back here on Monday. Arvita Zane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably some fucking crazy ass place like that. I gotta be honest, as a fat guy the last thing you want in a fight is getting your fucking shirt ripped off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. Trump doesn't have moves. Trump's autistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far everybody I've said that to, I've been like, yo, I think Donald Trump's clearly autistic. Everybody's been like, yea definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does his hair every day, and I'm like, dude, you are fucking gay. First of all, they know, it's fucking perfect. He's got the awesome head of hair, dude. He's got that, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! Bye bye! Last thing he needed to hear was he looks like- You know what you look like? You look like a hot, rugged mechanic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Us normal guys have to go to retarded schools to try to finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The old joke that goes unanswered is one of the worst feelings. Especially when the girl kinda nuzzles you with her ass while you're sleeping and it's like, oh she's trying to fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, this guy saw a hot 26 year old woman and he was like, I'm gonna watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're clear. My fucking spotter. Send it. One of the longest recorded jerk-offs was a mile and a half. It was a mile and a half. English SAS. Yeah, yeah, hit the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't punish her for ten seconds. Wow! Damn, the judge was definitely a lady, right? Yeah, it's gotta be. Yeah, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It definitely fucked that lady on the Accutane thing. Yeaah, yeaah. She definitely was like, I bought it for you. She didn't lure him with it. Lure him with it. You think maybe she went, haaa? Haaa? Haaa? Haaa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, uh, Lisa Lampanelli. Yeah. Have you seen her lately? No. No, I've seen that she has, she's been on the show though. Yeah, yeah, she was. In my opinion. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right? Yeah, a catheter. Yeah. Trough right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Straight outta Compton. It was a long time ago, yeaah. He just got arrested for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are being cleaned properly. I understand shut it down. If I worked there, I'd be like, no. No. They're like, yeah, we're trying to fuck robots. I tell them not to clean it. I'm like, it's what


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. I mean, it's human trafficking. We can pretend it's not, but... I appreciate that you guys stick to your guns when it comes to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] American standards. Do you know what I mean? When it's like, yeah, fuck sex robots. Why not? Just fuck sex robots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you guys knew Warren's Evon. Oh, I do know Warren's. I get it. Rollin' the headless Thompson Gunner. Yea, yea, yea. Well, Thompson definitely wasn't his last name in that song, but you get it. Anyway, what's the name?


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[Assistant] The kid was from Florida, right? He was gonna die that way either way.


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[Assistant] Why would, like, oh my god. So clear why they want it.


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[Assistant] It's like, you see the respect veterans get. Oh, right! Being a social justice warrior, all you're trying to do is gain social acceptance. You're trying to get likes.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Go back to that kid. I saw this commercial the other night, and I was honestly, I was like, yo, that kid is hot as fuck. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Dude, that- John Hughes was so great at that though, cause he's just like, alright, here's uh, here's the breakfast club and here's fucking Beethoven.


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[Assistant] I got a bad fucking feeling about this. An ear necklace?


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[Assistant] Weren't you, didn't you fly in the war too? What?


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[Assistant] And that's why the baby boom happened, because it's like, well, we can't, that's a sin. Well, then I'm gonna be fucking you constantly. We're gonna have 30 fucking kids.


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[Assistant] Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.


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[Assistant] And I, uh, read that the name Ilya translates to the strength of God, which is what it takes for him to button his jeans in the morning.


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[Assistant] Okay, like I said, Ili is a lawyer, and I hope he's not a bad lawyer, because that would mean he and his clients are both incels.


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[Assistant] Amazing. Uhm, I feel like Ilya kinda looks like the creator George RR Martin, but if the RR stood for really retarded.


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[Assistant] And that's true, not by choice, that's just how long it took the doctors to find it.


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[Assistant] No, but Ilya was such a bad athlete in high school, he never tried out for a team and still ended up getting cut.


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[Assistant] Uh, but getting circumcised at 16 was rough for Ilya, mainly because none of his classmates wanted to sign his cast.


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[Assistant] Alright, but there was an upside, he did end up getting to use his foreskin as a corsage at the prom.


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[Assistant] If Ilya were a Russian spy, his name would be Bond. Gold Bond.


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[Assistant] You gotta take what you can get. Uh, Ilya just got married but due to post office delays she won't be here till December.


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[Assistant] Uhm, all jokes aside, Ilya told me his proposal was the most stressful hour of his life. The proposal only took five minutes, the rest of the time was how long it took Ilya to get up off his knee.


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[Assistant] I feel great, but not as good as Peggy O'Leary feels tonight, everybody. Give it up for her. Everybody, I love you all. Thank you. You're the best. I appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Matt, before Matt answers, I want to rudely, uh, interrupt because I do feel like, um, an enormous thank you. I mean, you guys are lumping me in the, in the category with Matt, but I don't deserve that spot. Um, I think I'm just guessing that all three of us, the only reason that we're even on this thing and doing the things that we're doing is solely because of Matt. Um, so that's cool. So thank you, brother. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Oh yeah. Well, I'm going to, to, uh, consistently throughout this episode, um, bow down to Matt. So I think he should always go before me and then I'll follow up.


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[Assistant] When you take ownership of all this stuff, it's all, it's, it's taking ownership of, of different areas of life and it's that whole quote of, you know,


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[Assistant] What did they say? Like, nobody ever washed a rental car.


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[Assistant] You know, so you don't treat things that you rent with the same discipline and care and attentiveness, uh, and intention that you do with the things that you own and that same analogy from the rental car applies to life.


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[Assistant] So start owning your family relationship, start owning your relationship with money, start owning your relationship with your wife, start owning your relationship with whatever else, your calendar.


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[Assistant] I think false belief is that you have to get it in a certain period of time. Did I set deadlines all the time and I missed them? Dude, I don't think I've been on time one time for Matt and I's podcast. Twice? Yes, twice. And I feel so terrible for that and Matt's like a phenomenal partner because he doesn't want to crucify me each time I do it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and it took a, took me six months to even...


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[Assistant] Get up, uh, romance with Matt and thank God he helped me with it because it would have taken another year.


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[Assistant] Right, just gave us so much more landscape and blank canvas to draw on, regardless of whether or not we can go out to our local restaurant.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and, and it, it allowed even more time and space for people like you who want to take advantage of it. Uhm, so man, I, I, I give you credit. I think that's exactly what you should have been doing. And by the way, still now, as we, as we...


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[Assistant] There's still, there's still time and space that might not be


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[Assistant] Similar in the future because everything will be fully back up and up again. But it's like, you've got this, you've got this, uh, court that you can play on. Nobody's on it. So, so go full out.


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[Assistant] Well, I gotta give you guys credit because number one, Matt, I totally agree with what you're saying. I cannot stand the...


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[Assistant] The neutral blank stare looking back at the face of somebody who's asking for your advice and you just give some sort of clinical answer, but you don't tell them what you would do in their position.


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[Assistant] At the same time, making sure that you say, hey, there's nuances to your situation that I'm never gonna understand because I don't live in your shoes, but my best guess is this.


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[Assistant] If you go into it and your true intention is to help that person then even if it's tough love, it's not taken as criticism.


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[Assistant] It's like, hey, I'm fighting for you and for your better self. So therefore I'm going to tell you with a certain force of emotion what you should do or at least what I think you should do if I were in your shoes. Uhm, so, uh, so man, I think, you know, guys like you for the DadMate podcast, I really guys have to give you a huge compliment because what you guys have done incredibly well at is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost the way that I envision kind of like our warrior ancestors. Like you go out and you fight a battle with everything you have during the day. And then you come back at night and you want to meet with your tribe and talk about successes, talk about losses, whatever it was, and then just kick back and have a good time.


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[Assistant] Because you need that, that time that just to have fun and just to be a dude is kind of like a kid again.


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[Assistant] There's no hierarchy here, right? It's, it's, it's a T, it's a circle. It's not, it's not a triangle, man. And please thank her for me, because...


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter who gets the wins, right? That always reminds us. So it's like, Oh shoot. Yeah. Like I've got a blue belt in my head. And it's like, yeah, I'm a little down. And we all have that. So please, I mean that sincerely. It's a, that's a, that's a huge compliment. Um, and I, and I throw the compliment right back at her. And honestly, the best way to return the compliment is keep on doing that stuff.


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[Assistant] If you've ever been, go up to your wife and say, hey, what are your goals? And what are your dreams?


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[Assistant] You know, it's like, what do you mean? Like, who are you to ask me that question? It's like, yeah, let's get past that. Like, to pass the weird little emotional bump they just felt. It's like, you know, what are you passionate about? And then all of a sudden, dude, I've asked that question to people and they tear up because they haven't been asked that fucking question in 20 years.


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[Assistant] And then all of a sudden it's like, okay, well, hey, how about you write that down? Cool. You want to do that? Oh, awesome. Write it down. And then sure enough, like two days later, every single time I receive a text message or an email and it's like, dude, I, I did it.


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[Assistant] You know, I took a little step. It's like, you know, Matt, I mean, I, you know.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it really does. Uhm, and Matt, that visual is nice as well, but uh, uh.


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[Assistant] Uhm, for me, and you guys grew up in very similar neighborhoods.


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[Assistant] I can tell you that the study of life is what saved my life. Like there's, there's no doubt about it.


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[Assistant] Learning at an early age. Oh, if I want this, all I have to do is


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[Assistant] Read about it, read a book about it or go and talk to somebody who's done it and you become increasingly and instantaneously


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[Assistant] You know, for the last five years, whatever it is, you step into a gym, you do one bicep curl, one, one, your arm looks different. Immediately.


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[Assistant] Right, so it's not that you have to lose a hundred pounds by tomorrow. It's like go and do one bicep curl. Look at yourself in the mirror like, oh shit, I can actually do this. And it actually does create a change. So it's actually pretty simple stuff, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think the way Matt put it last time, uh, for our podcast was, one of his goals is just to touch the habit. You know, just go and do whatever the smallest unit is and all of a sudden that could be, that could be the catalyst that all of a sudden, like, you know, Mike, you were saying.


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[Assistant] It's like, I couldn't get this done. I was going to try to do it. And then I set a time block and you know, boom, I got all this done. But it's like, just touch it. Sometimes you can only touch it for a minute, but other times, you know, you might, you may get a full hour in and I know there's some competition there.


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[Assistant] If it's cool with you guys, I do, I'll probably have to run it after that hour if that's cool with you guys.


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[Assistant] Just as, as proof as this is going to work, that next year we will be having a vacation in Newport Beach together in big ass awesome house, um, as a group, bring the kids, bring all that stuff. So, uh, there will be pictures of, uh, of that, that win next year. So it's just a matter of figuring out the timing for everybody.


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[Assistant] So wait, some Chinaman slammed you?


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[Assistant] I love it. Timonium, Maryland, dude, it's the place to be. Are you into suckin' and fuckin' guys?


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[Assistant] Bec! Yes? Did you happen to be named after what, uh,


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[Assistant] Outside of you being a sub-hard dancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. The joke you did was, what if Jesus was a rapper? Yea, pretty much. That's a fun way to be like, what if Jesus was black and then you could just be racist and say it was rapper stereotypes. Is that what you did? Yea, pretty much. Alright, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is true. That was something that I personally, I saw you walk on stage wearing those and I was like, there's no way this guy's funny. That's not true! I wear cargo shorts, fuck you Shane Gillis!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would also, I think you and me should contact her tonight. Red band, play. Red band, play the Hulk soundtrack.


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[Assistant] Uh, did you get vaccinated? Uh, yeaah, I'm doubled up. You're what? I'm doubled, yeaah, I'm double vaxed.


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[Assistant] Alright, hi everybody. Welcome to Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank Podcast. I'm Ari Shaffir. You might know me as the guy who's been trying to get this podcast introduction correct for the last two days. Uhm.


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[Assistant] You'd think maybe, alright, why don't you just, uh, put a couple cameras or cut, uh, every time you mess up on the audio, uh, but that'd be smart. And I'm not known for being smart. I'm known.


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[Assistant] For hard hitting yet funny takes on specific subjects with experts in the field or people who have experience with that subject. And today is no different.


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[Assistant] I'm excited about this one. I'm really excited about this one. I've been trying to put together this podcast for like, I mean, at least a year, but I think, I think years actually. So let me tell you what's going on here.


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[Assistant] By the way, I'll be in, uh, Royals for Pennsylvania, uh, Sunday, September 6th at Soul Joll's Comedy Festival. It's an outdoor show. Uh, get tickets at AriShafeer.com. Uh, everybody's spaced out, outdoors. Um, it's all totally safe. Um, but let's start about this episode. Let's talk about this right now. Um,


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[Assistant] Special guest opening. I don't know who it'll be yet. So there's this thing.


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[Assistant] There's this thing happening in America right now, and it might be happening in other countries too, I don't really know. But it's definitely happening here, and it's been happening for a bit. And it's happening online.


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[Assistant] To where a group of like-minded individuals get together, uh, to form a greater whole,


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[Assistant] Lately, you might know it as cancel culture. It's called that. Uh, lynch mobs online. Uh, I know it and I have known it. I've been calling it e-rage for a long time. Electronic rage.


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[Assistant] Doesn't exist in the real world, but it exists online. And the more we make our online presence, kind of, uh, meld with our own presence, with our own actual presence,


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[Assistant] It starts to carry more and more weight. So I wanted someone to talk about, uhm, all this, all this stuff that's happening. And my first thought was my buddy Steve Ren is easy.


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[Assistant] Uh, he had an earlier one, probably five, six years ago, but I didn't want to center on one person or one case. Because I didn't want you guys, uhm, listeners,


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[Assistant] For the viewers, if you're on my YouTube account, youtube.com slash Ari Shaffir. Subscribe. Uhm.


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[Assistant] I didn't want you making decisions about whether this is right or wrong based on your feelings about the one guest who's had experience with it. So I got a few people.


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[Assistant] Uh, together to talk about it so we could share our stories. And so I could show you dudes the, the similarities that happens between all of these. Okay.


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[Assistant] So I got Steven Azizy, one of my oldest friends in comedy. We were at the door together at the comedy store. He's one of the best guys, most real dudes around. There's, there's no Hollywood in him. I mean, he's in Hollywood. He's a great actor, but like,


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[Assistant] He's like a legit East Coast, just regular guy. Uhm, and one of my best friends.


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[Assistant] Shane Gillis, you might know as my fucking vice president of mayhem, Legion of skanks, uh, presidential elections, which we won. Um, uh, and, uh, um, Corinne Fisher, my yardie from the, from the neighborhood, my homie.


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[Assistant] Uh, they've each got their own podcast, which you should check out. Steve has a podcast called, uh, what's the odds with Steve Renazzi. Um, it's a gambling, like fun gambling, uh, podcast. It's fun. I've been on it. You should do it. Um, check it out. Uh, Shane Gillis has his podcast, uh, Matt and Shane secret podcast that he does with his friend, Sean McCusker and, um,


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[Assistant] And Corinne has her podcast just with DeRosa, uh, called Without a Country, where they just fight about topics. All of them are great. Check out all their podcasts. Subscribe to all of them.


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[Assistant] Follow them. They're also all on Instagram. I would tell you to stay off Twitter. I'm going to continue telling that. It's a fucking vapid wasteland of negativity. Uh, which we'll talk about here in this podcast.


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[Assistant] There's a couple things we reference that you should know about. Uhm.


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[Assistant] John Ronson wrote a book called, so you've been publicly shamed. So we referenced it a few times. I first heard about it maybe from Corinne.


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[Assistant] It was like, Hey Joe, love the podcast. Uh, Tuesdays and stories is a, is a, is a always a go-to for me. Keep it up. John Ronson. I was like, that's cool. And I was like, Joe, you got the fucking author of this book to sign it for you. How did you know him?


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[Assistant] And he was like, what are you talking about? And I was like, look, it's signed by the author. Like, how'd you get that? And he goes,


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[Assistant] Dude, you signed that. And I was like, what? No, I didn't. And I asked his sister, you saw me take off the shelf. She goes, yeah, he didn't sign it. And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't. Uhm, if I tried to say I didn't sign it, he'd be like, of course you say that to keep the prank going. It's like this loop.


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[Assistant] But uhm, I love those loops of logic that you can't get out of. I was in Edinburgh once. Uhm.


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[Assistant] And we were taking, uh, mushrooms up on, uh, up on, uh, Arthur's seat where the plan was to take mushrooms and then go for a hike. Midnight hike, watch the fucking, oh no, like a 3 a.m. hike and watch the sunrise. And, uh, me, Evan DeMarie.


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[Assistant] Dismaris, however you say it, and uh, and, and John Hastings, and uh.


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[Assistant] John Hastings got in his head on the mushrooms, got in his head that I was, he was in a hidden camera show and I was taping him.


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[Assistant] And I was like, I'm not, I'm not a host of a hidden camera show. And everyone was like, he's not a host of a hidden camera show. And, um, and he goes, uh, and he goes, yeah, of course you say that. You're trying to keep the prank going. And I was like, where are the cameras? He was like, looks at all the streetlights. He goes, look at all those. And I was like, oh.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm not the host of a hidden camera show, he goes, of course you said that, you're trying to keep the gag going. And I'm like, dude, you got a fucking perfect circle of logic here.


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[Assistant] If I was recording you on a hidden camera show, of course I would say I'm not.


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[Assistant] So I don't think there's any way to convince you that you're not on camera right now.


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[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, man, I don't think I can convince you it was this perfect circular loop of logic.


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[Assistant] So uhm, so I wanna talk to you guys today about these similarities between all these situations. And I'm gonna go into it, I'm gonna go, so, oh, by the way, yeaah, get John Robson's book if you wanna, like a really good analysis of, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of how these things start, sorta like who gets the public shaming, that's another thing it's called besides e-rage, who doesn't get the public shaming, uhm, kinda where it started, and maybe also what our, like as a society, what our responsibility is in these ones that have come in the past. Uhm.


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[Assistant] And maybe if you see the similarities between all these, between Shane Gillis' case, Corinne's case, and Renazisi's case,


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[Assistant] I'm hoping you're gonna start seeing these come up more and more and start seeing that like, in almost all these cases, in almost all these cases, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say, one, they're probably not even wrong, the person. They haven't done anything really wrong. And if they did something wrong,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The backlash, that's another way it's called, uhm, so far outweighs anything they've done. Whereas...


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[Assistant] Normally we'd just go like, ugh, annoying, and then move on, but this is like...


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[Assistant] It's, you get swept up in this rage, this e-rage.


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[Assistant] People on the outside, oops, people on the outside, like really like doing the punishing. It's, it's crazy. And we talk about it all in this podcast and I'm really excited that we're doing it. Guys, it's going to be such a fucking interesting one. Uhm, no sponsor cause I didn't want anybody associated with this.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I will tell you I've got a Patreon that I hope you guys check out. Patreon.com slash Ari Shaffir. Uhm, the window's not even open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon.com slash Ari Shafir, I put up, uh, uh, all sorts of fun stuff on there. So, uhm, that Patreon is a way that I can continue doing it, even if another one of these e-rages hit me. By the way, I was not going to talk about any of mine. I've had plenty of these things happen to me. Uh, one of the earliest, actually. One of the earliest. The amazing racist videos. You know what? I'm going to talk about a bunch of shit in the outro. I'm going to talk a bunch of this shit in the outro.


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[Assistant] And in the outro, I'm also going to talk about what to do if one of your friends begins to go through one of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So hopefully you see the similarities to this. Oh, sign up for my Patreon because when one of these hit me, you lose all your sponsors almost instantly. They don't even care whether you're right or wrong. They're just like, we don't want the flack and they get out. So with Patreon, I'm able to like, you know, keep, keep going and not have to worry about outside influence, let's say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you ready to start? I'm fucking so fucking stoked on this one.


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[Assistant] I am telling you with certainty, I do not want you to do it. I don't want you to reach out saying, hey, so and so, you fucked over this guy in this podcast. Don't do it. Don't enter into this world. Observe that world, but do not enter into it. Don't be a dick just because other people have been dicks. That's not the way you fight dickishness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would Martin Luther King say? You don't, you don't fight darkness through darkness. Fight it through light. You don't fight hate through hate. You fight it through love. He said it. You do not fight. You know, he said it way cooler than I say it. Um, but let's start the episode. Ladies and gentlemen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ari Shafir Skeptotech. I'm so excited for this. I mean, I wanted to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years ago, and then when Shane had his thing about a year ago, I was like, oh, maybe I'll get the two of them together. First I wanted to do it with Justyf, then I thought maybe Shane and him together, and then I thought, let's get different situations. So the different situations are this. I got a woman, because they're reacted to differently than men, uh, and I got,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will tell you, none of these actually hurt anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane's was just a joke. He was setting up a joke about in his podcast about how was, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I set it up when we start the intro. I set it up because the only people I find who can't defend yourselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is yourself. So, I just set it up in the most clear way possible at the beginning of the episode. So, let's start. So, I got different people. There was another woman I wanted to get, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she was like, I don't want to be known for this fucking backlash shit. So Corinne was nice enough to come in and, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Shay, I've been trying to get it together for so fucking long. So, it's great. Ladies and gentlemen, R.E. Shaffir, Skeppard Tank, episode 399, E-Rage, with Steve Renazzisi, Shane Gillis, and Corinne Fisher, starts now. Uh, okay, okay, here we go. Okay, so, I've been wanting to do this podcast for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is just like, you know, the online fuck, you know, well you guys all know. I'm trying to think if I should set this up before you guys are not here or when you're here. I'll just do it here. I'll just say each one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shame. I wonder if that was a metaphor. Looking back on it, I wonder if like... That's e-culture. Yeah. E-Rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'll hear it, let me do it. Uhm, Steve's, let me do Shane's first because he's on my right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Shane, uh, did a character and he was like, I wonder, it's like an old timey, like, uh, you know, white racists. And he goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much something along the lines of, this is how little important it is, uh, like, uh, some racist guy was walking along and goes, oh, this is a good place, put all the chinks in here, that'd be a good place. And that's how Chinatown got started, some racist guy, uh, throwing them all together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steve, uh, is that pretty much accurate? Yeah, fuck it. Stop me if I'm wrong. Yeah, that's fine. I think these are all such little importance at the time. Steve, uhm, got to LA, uh, shortly after 9-11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Pretty, like, and then, yeah. Oh, okay. And so I think DT or somebody was like, were you in 9-11? And you're like, uhm, fuck it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that was the end of it. And then years, six, seven years later, the New York Times came out with an article saying he lied about it. And I remember Rogan calling me, he was like, did you hear about this? I'm like, yeah, like a long time ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, Corinne Fisher, um, oh, Shane Gillis, sorry. Corinne Fisher, I'll do all this in the intro too. Uhm, you were on your podcast called Guys We Fucked, where it was pretty much about guys we fucked. Mmhm, straight forward. Yeaah. And, uh, they were talking about types, uh, with you and your co-host, McSucksish. Uhm. I wasn't even talking about types.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, uhm, and it was like a black dude, but uhm.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and then, and then that was, that was, that was it. That was pretty much it. You're like, this is my type. I like, I like thuggish black dudes. And so then, uhm, rage ensued from there, for everybody. So, I wanna talk about- Wait, do yours. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, uh, kind of growing up and uh, I talked about some girl who had one arm and I made fun of how annoying she was and uh, chubby and stuff and I put her name in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years afterwards I got like pretty mad about it, which is fair, but uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the last one, well, there's other ones too, but the last one was, uh, uh, Kobe Bryant died. I like to make fun of celebrities' deaths to point out, uh, how ridiculous our celebrity culture, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worship is. Anyway, so I made a joke about them and as Ms. Pat says, that's the wrong black dude to make fun of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said, make fun of Rodman, Ari. Not that. I was like, and Michelle Obama. She goes, no, motherfucker. No, not Michelle Obama. So anyway, then things. So now I just want to talk about the similarities between all these. Cause I like the little group that we have because they're all kind of different, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, it's all the same thing. It's all this e-rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's start. We're gonna talk about each ones and you guys can ask questions of each other too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will be interesting guys, but I've never done a four person podcast, so alright. Uhm, so when you saw it starting to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the backlash, let's just call it, online. First, what was the moment from, cause it got bad for everybody, what was the moment from like, oh wait, that's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a thing to like, aw fuck. This is really bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, did you, side question, when you did it, did you walk through the door?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. Yeah. A normal stand-up comic was like, oh, that's pretty cool. One of us got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is, it's like, when they do that, I saw this reaction, I can't believe they didn't vet him on SNL for not vetting him. It's like, you can't review, I mean like, a thousand hours of podcasts and other people's. I wouldn't even know all the podcasts I've been on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was interesting because they announced, for Shane, they announced three cast members slash writers. I don't know exactly. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within a few hours, it was like, there was a writer who was like, hey, look at this guy. Look, he's not perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she saw like, it was all this free love, but she wasn't in there, she goes, uh, I saw a bunch of toddlers doing acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it's not as cool as you guys are making it out in popular culture. It took her months and months of embedded journalism to be there to write a story. Shane's was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in a culture now of like, let's get this story out first, cause then it'll be bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell he was in a rush because like if you just really done a real search, we do racial jokes all the time. Yeah. So like you can get me on anything. I mean, I've made fun of Eskimos. Yeah. So like, you know what I mean? It's like there's no stopping. So like the fact that they stopped at Asian, I don't think it was about some other Asian cast member. I think it was about, I found one. Let me rush it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember talking to somebody, a comic, who was like mad about it. We'll talk about other comics getting mad about jokes, but, but, um, she was like, well, there's a time and place for jokes like that. And I was like, well, isn't the time and the place your own very small podcast? Wouldn't that be the time and the place? Yes. Your comedy podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Offensive Show at the Comedy Cellar, which called the Offen- wouldn't that be it? Yeaah. And she wasn't able to go, eh, actually you're right. Yeah. Cause she's like stuck on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Shane's yours, I was with you at the stand and your manager was there and, um, and I, it was like a real time thing and seeing Vecchione and Big J talking about it was like, this is happening. I remember Vecchione going like, they're trying to make you apologize, but he's like, they got to guarantee you that you're, that if you do that, you're going to get that job. Cause to make you apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, as comics, tell us, what are your feelings on apologies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's an example, I apologize once, but first of all, the apology, I punched Bobby Lee a bunch of times. Sure, that's a physical assault. I called him, I didn't go to the world, I called him and was like, hey man, I was way wrong on that, I'm sorry. And so it's like, yea, when you're wrong in life, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your intention is to make a joke, and the audience is there laughing, and then some other person who's not in the audience is upset, then you're like, if we don't make our joke, then we'll never make good jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, even if you think it fails, which that one didn't, I thought it was a funny joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't fail, but like, even if it failed to reprimand somebody that hard on a failed joke, which again, it wasn't a failed joke, but even if it was, then all you're doing is telling every comedian,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you fail, it's going to be really bad, so don't come close to the line. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, she was just like, you can't do fat jokes, even about yourself, which is like, overcorrections, right? It's like, that's not what you mean. Like I've had, uh, my friend, um, um, Kathleen McGee, she does rape jokes, and somebody's like, you shouldn't do rape jokes. She goes, I shouldn't do jokes about my rape? And the lady was like, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, it came up, one of the roast battlers was like made fun of you. They got good, once they realized who were the judges they would write extra jokes which wouldn't get them any points about the judges and it was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also can get caught up in that, in that, in the e-rage and then make, I, I just thought it was such like a classy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw, cause my thing became like LA hated me, which was great. I love that. But black people started hating me too. They were like, they're trying to call it racist. Yeah, it's a rough one. Wow. Anyways, I saw Roy Wood at Sal's, um, uh, Super Bowl party. And so every black person, I'm like, wait, are you guys all mad at me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I do this mostly for white people. Right. But he just walked up to me and smiled and gave me a hug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck it, you're a, you're a mom. What are you talking about? And so every year or so, this one lady, I think it's a comic somewhere, goes, just so you know, I'll never forget this tweet. Keeps doing it. I'm like, you know, I don't really care. It's actually a good album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I booked a show for Comedy Central and here's how it works when you're booking someone.


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[Assistant] You know, stress on it because it's not like a series regular for a thing. It's just one guy to tell a story once. We'd fuck up if we weren't wrong. It's like, eh, no big deal. That guy was bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have me and my other producers, you know, on my side, on the creative side, and then you have a bunch of people on the network side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, what about Brett Ernst? Let's just say. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if people go, oh I like Brett Ernst. If one guy goes, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, really? What side of the table is that guy on? The other side. The other side, always, right? Because you wouldn't bring him. Right. Yeah, yeah. Simone was another better example, because I was like, Simone is such a good storyteller, so I was like, and he's my friend. So, you have a certain amount of battles you can go. So, with both those guys actually was a thing, and it was like, I have one fight per year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're booking 20 people, 30 people of going, no, this guy's really good. Cause once you make that fight, the next guy you can't fight for. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If maybe it's Brett Ernst and Steve Simone and Shane Gillis and I'm trying to get them all on and they go, eh, it's a Brett Ernst. And we're like, what about Shane? They're like, that's good. I'm like, then I'll get my other guy. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, on a net, if it's one guy going, eh, but what about the 9-11 thing? And somebody's like, ahh, alright, we'll go to the second best guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was a Jewish family reunion, and then the Intifada started. And they're like, eh, let's not show it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's Comedy Central? Comedy Central was a network at one point, right? It was a network at one point. They were actually pretty good at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the funny thing with that one was, so they, they were gonna air your old special, like a week or two before. Yeah. And that was like right when it came out, they're like, uh, let's put something else in his place, and they played that special of mine that got me in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is conversation in normal life, uh, like I have normcore friends. Yeaah. Just like non comics. And, and they all talk about like, uh, I have a friend who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20% go, maybe wrong but he's done plenty of fucking, you know, penance for it. And then one person goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this coming up right now? You just can't, it gets emotional, and then, end of the conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Or someone who's like, my dad died in 9-11. That's it. It's the ace of spades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was at a, a family, like dinner at friend's house, and he made a Jeffrey Dahmer joke. It was at the time. He was in Illinois.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then everybody got quiet. Oh my god, don't even tell me someone's cousin was one of the kids. Oh my god. I thought someone was just randomly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jerry, what are you, Jerry from Facts of Life? And then he did the impression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She started laughing too. He goes, what? She goes, I am Jerry Joel. It was Jerry Joel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like in those moments, you're like, oh my god, I'm so s- I didn't mean you. I- I'm so sorry, but like, I'm sure thuggish black people or Asians were like, I was hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When did or did you guys all get death threats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I found is, okay, by the way, this is not unique to us. Comics who have never had a big thing. I've started to find out, uhm, most female comics in New York have been death slash rape-threaded. Uh, a ton of mid-level, mostly mid-level comics. The high, high level ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wrote, I think I escaped from their fame, but I'm not sure. But anyway, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women get more death threats, I mean rape threats. Uhm, men get more I'm gonna beat you up threats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think personally any of them are real. I think they're like, what are you going to care about? So I get a lot of antisemitism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh, it's in a slant of where you should have died. Okay. And I think really they're just like, we don't really care. We're just like, if I was black, they'd throw the M word at me if I was Jewish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will bother you. So for a woman, it's like, I know you're scared of getting raped. We'll say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One lunatic. There's probably out of every 10,000, there's probably a hundred lunatics and of the hundred, one or two, like we should do something. Yeah, who's motivated, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, did your family members get it? Did you guys?


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[Assistant] I feel like that too, where it's like, no, I did it, it's fine, make fun of me, it's not gonna kill me, but it's like, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is no Maryland shot, uh, like, yeaah. Uhm, that, eh, without fame, that would never come to action.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, somebody said, a comic said once like, but why that? Why have all things lie about that? And I had to correct him and I was like, well, it wasn't just that. Steve tells stories sometimes. It's not like he chose that thing to lie about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's like, it seems like, okay, talk about this, how it seems like when people know about you from this thing, like they knew about that, you probably didn't know he used to tell that lie until you found out that it was a lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so you didn't know going in, like, oh that guy's in 9-11, and then find out years later, like he wasn't?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's almost always more context. People online become villains or heroes. Uhm, like, basketball cop. You know about that one? It was like somebody called the police on some, like, teenager who was playing basketball. And these are the stories that come with, like, they got shot, you know. Didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy was like, oh, this guy's not doing anything wrong. He's like, hey, you want to play some basketball? And somebody videotaped it. Which is a cop playing basketball with an inner city black kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people are like, oh, hero, hero, hero. And then someone else releases a video of that same cop, slamming some dude's face on a fucking thing. And it's like, oh, maybe not hero. And people are actually way richer as humans than the one story they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they wanna, it's, it's like, I think like we crave putting people into categories of hero or villain. So when the only thing I've ever heard is, she thinks...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black people are sex objects. Mhm. Or he thinks Asians or whatever you say, that it's so easy to say, oh, what a villain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have savage fans that are probably like rapid. Yeaah. Yeaah. Somebody asked me from one of the networks asked me about you if you're like Shane about like if you are responding by going harder. And I was like no, thankfully he's not. Yeaah. He just kind of went back to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you're pitching a show, and they're like, in the final stages of it, like we think we're behind us, and then they said, like, oh shit, we gotta talk to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, you can't be like, well I've already taken care of it. I've said I'm sorry to whoever was offended and people sort of like, okay, we accept that. But now there's like a new crop of people who had never heard about it, who are like, well I want an answer. Kevin Hart had to deal with this. I've apologized for 10 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an offhanded comment in a podcast. I mean, the idea is I'm supposed to just riff, but also like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also like when people go, but it wasn't funny, you're like, well I have other jokes that weren't funny and you didn't seem to attack those. I had a very unfunny joke about traffic and no one seemed to care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because time stops for these things. So when people find out about it, it's as if it's happening right now. Every single time. It's as if it's happening right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like with you, it's like, what are you talking about? Get the fuck out of here. But it's like, you can't ask someone to lose money, but you sort of can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would have helped you if you had like two more seasons to go. So you'd be on something. So it'd be like, ah, he's still around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is strange that there's this thing that everyone, that the networks or the, uh, advertisers or whatever, they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this might be bad, it looks bad for you, but it only looks bad to the people who never were really gonna like you anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then you're bowing down to these people who are not in this world. Exactly. It's like Jim Jeffries had a joke about like if you, if you've never eaten a McDonald's but you shit on them for the new Big Mac sauce. Yep. And you're like, but you don't even eat here. Yeah, our fan base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zeitgeist is weird because like, uh, you make jokes, I make jokes about school shootings, but then like, so I'll do it for a year or two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The day or the week after a school shooting, the joke doesn't get laughed. It gets like, what are you trying to say here? But I'm like, I already wrote this. But it's like, that shit's real, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you guys find, did the other two of you find people coming around? Did you ever have anybody go like, hey sorry about that, I was an asshole, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the apology or the statement in Shane's case is, is really just, is just, okay, in a minute, uh, is really just to give.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some other people, some contest. Cause they're being presented as.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude got everything he could of, uh, his whole career is based on, uh, telling everybody he was on 9-11. Uhm, this chick hates black people. You know, this dude hates Asians and always tries to shit on them. And you're like, wow, what a fucking asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just like, oh, here's some context, just to allow the same people. I mean, Mike yard, I remember talking to him at the seller Christmas party and he was like, Ari, I saw that thing. That is fucking crazy. And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, stop right there. You're still, the mistake I can already tell, you're still thinking of him as Joan Didion, who wants a full picture of the whole story. Exactly. He's not that. He's not that. He's reporting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started asking reporters, this is before that Jim Jeffries show thing, remember that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anti-immigration orthodox Jewish Australian guy. Anti-Australian immigration.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, yea, I'll do your show, just don't put me in there with any neo-nazis, cause I can compare to them a lot, and I'm Jewish, so. Right. They don't, and they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes, also like, don't take anything out of context. And they did. And he goes, luckily I actually set up a camera to record the entire interview. And it was something along the lines of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, well then I'm not gonna do the interview. I'm sure you're a good reporter, but you have to know a lot of you guys are really shitty, so like, it's just too terrible a position to be in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't. I told Ralphie once, he got caught in a thing I've talked about on the podcast before, but like, he had a joke about, um, dancing with wolves, beating good fellows for best picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, losing out on good roles and good awards to these Native Americans. Native Americans taking everything we have and giving us nothing. Anyway, the clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane went, uh, to the comedy festival, the Montreal Comedy Festival, just for laughs. And he, there's a new faces show. You did it, Steve. Did you ever do it, Corinne?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but Newface is a big launching pad, and Shane did really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone was talking about how he was like the best one there. So it's suddenly like from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Those cocksuckers? No, you were on a network show. Also, different time. It's crazy how much it changes so fast. But five, six years ago was a different time than a year ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They feel like they're creating justice too. So like, oh, I have a chance to like make a murderer go to jail instead of going like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, part of my thing is like, I'll make a joke about like, we shouldn't care about celebrities, you know, so like, say something wrong. And the other part is like, eventually someone will retweet it to someone who doesn't know that I'm joking, uhm, and they'll be mad, like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kenny Rogers, I posted all these like 48 year old like, conservative people like, fuck you, you're never gonna get a special, this is why. I wanna be like, I've had three. What are you talking about? But like, so this one went,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I expected to trigger Laker fans. Yeaah. So, it's a pretty great one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like my thing too is just in general, uhm, is that all you do is drop a piece of negativity into your own fan base.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then those people will take it and push it to someone who will not get the joke. And then be like, I'm so mad. I'm like, whoever showed it to you is to blame because they knew you were going to hate it. All my friends and fans loved it. And so then all these other people hate it. Why, why are you even seeing this? I think that's hilarious. This was not for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's, that's the best is killing with kindness. Like, you know, this, this normal piece of humanity that you should have afforded me, I'm showing it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I love all my friends now in LA that are catching their own flack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have loved to see, I would have loved to see one of these people instead of going, hey, by the way, I'm sorry about that. I was like, well, you told a million or so or 200,000 of your fans that I'm an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, your tweet is still up, your article is still up. Can you call them and take it down? Because a new person is going to read that this week. Uh, two, can you go tell all your fans that you were wrong?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the reality is, if you see a longer video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what do I want to say to all of you? I want to, I want to hear. Oh yeah. How do you see these now? Like when you see a story of like, can you believe so-and-so did some horrible thing? Do you guys see those stories differently now than you saw them before? Like how do you, how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone else your password and your password recovery email so you don't like go back in and say like you keep this for me. Uhm, and you just need to like fight every single urge to check because in Steve's case, you knew you're like, yeah, lash in the line, whatever, but like you don't need to see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousands of people call you an asshole over it. Yeah. When you already like said like, oh yeah, I shouldn't have done that. Yeah. I mean, when I was a kid, I hit somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a car, and I left, I don't know if you ever leave a note saying, hey, people are watching me, so I'm not actually giving you my license, but I'm just leaving a note, so sorry, just so you know your car's dented. Uhm, but like, that was wrong, if it came up now, I wouldn't have to hear 20,000 people say I'm an asshole, and I already know it was the wrong thing to do. So like, uhm, I forgot what I was saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So I call people, I'm like, you need to just get offline and know that this isn't real. None of the threats are real, but like gotta get offline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like Jay says that when his agent, our agent is like uhm, we should try to get you a sitcom. And he's like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple years ago. Three years ago maybe. And I said, are you guys at all thinking of, like, why don't you call your, your, your...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Murdered and raped 40 kids. Then like, in a month, we'll get rid of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say the Dina one, just so, cause I reached out to her too, I was like, hey, I'm very scared and whatever, but like, it's not real. And it was bad, she made a joke about a rapper who died with 40 grand in his pocket. He got killed or shot or something. And she, the joke was, man, what a, what a great commercial for Venmo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and people are like, how dare you disrespect the dead? Comics were doing it too. And I'm just like, it's just so disappointing, but it's like, you didn't do anything wrong, the joke's not even harsh. This joke's not even something you should get offended by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, by the way, that's the anger. You're not around comedy as long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sean Rouse did it, remember Sean Rouse with the hands, he did a joke about uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget what, in the Norton Down and Dirty show, and he goes, they all started clapping, he goes, SAVE YOUR CLAPS, I'M HERE FOR LAUGHS. He goes, I'm gonna laugh or get the fuck out. I was like, they weren't in the middle of clapping for him, he was like, shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last special to really shine, because it's perfect for that environment. Your dead dad, uh, hour, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then, they get really mad at the American comics coming in. The one year it was me, Michelle Wolf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been loving this! We've been wanting, fuck it, not a serious 10 minutes in the middle for no reason. This is great! Yea, Soder last year was just like, this is just an hour joke, so. Yea, and people love it, and so all these people are worried, like, we gotta promote this thing, and it's like, well now Comedy Central's out of business. So, good model.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so when you do care about comedy, because of the thing, it's like, you see people turn on you. I mean, the weird thing is, you're right, it is Trump. And I remember people go, well, I don't want Trump to win, but if he does, at least we'll have a bunch of good jokes.


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[Assistant] Then nobody had any jokes for three and a half years. Yeaah. It's all just serious. Yeaah, socially everything took a huge turn. I remember a woman in comedy who she just got turned hard on it and she didn't even vote that year.


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[Assistant] It's, it's just nuts. Yeah, I think that turn in social media probably had a lot to do with it too. That the, it's us or them instead of like, nah, I don't agree with you on that.


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[Assistant] Right, so I think what you need to do, and I've seen it a couple times.


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[Assistant] Dino is a good example of a lot of comedians just rush to their aid. So this like tidal wave of fucking anger gets met with sort of a wave this way of like, she's great, she's great, she's great. And then it kind of like dissipates them really fast. There's still be a few crazies, but if everyone just goes, hey, fuck you, that guy's funny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I, I remember saying something about, I saw the Cobain documentary, the good one. And, and, and it was just like, he's a fucking genius.


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[Assistant] I think he was trying to say with a t-shirt that said like, corporate magazines still suck. It sounded like,


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[Assistant] I don't want to do this, but it's the only way people are going to hear my music, but I don't like them and I'm not going to pretend like I like them. And he goes, nah man, he's a hypocrite. I'm like, dude, I,


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[Assistant] If you can't look at Kurt Cobain and say, what can I learn from him? But instead you're going, here's what a douche he is. It's like, you're not, I don't know, man, the guy's great. And you're just so negative that you can't even see it.


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[Assistant] I don't know how to go back at it, except for like a bunch of comedians going, hey, fuck you, he's my friend, he's a good guy.


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[Assistant] Or a bigger comic where you're like, why are they big and I'm not? I'm great.


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[Assistant] Going to do my week, uh, uh, MC week at the, not that week, a different week, working with Pete Lee, I think.


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[Assistant] And he goes, I'm canceling because I don't want to be on a venue that supports...


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[Assistant] All this stuff. He just, you know, throws details in and was like, I don't want to be part of that. Tig reached out and was like, that's amazing. I love hearing this. You can open for me.


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[Assistant] When I'm in this and he's like, dreams come true, I get to open for TIG, whatever.


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[Assistant] The women started coming in like, this guy's a complete creep to me. Uh, oh, me too. Oh yeah. He's always trying to like walk us home to our car so he can try to make out with us. Oh, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. And then it's like, Oh no. And by the way,


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[Assistant] If the Pittsburgh comedy scene didn't point that out, I doubt he ended up doing that show a tick. If they didn't point that out, then everyone's looking at him like, yes, this is a valid voice.


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[Assistant] So it's like all these people are just dumb footlocker employees. And then like you're taking them seriously because they've said something, but they're all morons or uneducated morons.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's very odd. What do you mean real life? Like parents and stuff like that? Maybe. Or if somebody goes, hey, fuck you.


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[Assistant] And uh, never once in real life. In 15, 18 years of solid death threats every single year, never once in real life did I even get somebody saying, hey, fuck you for doing that. Not even a fuck you.


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[Assistant] It's funny because like, TV in general and movies too, they're like,


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[Assistant] They love when they do get like a, like a critically acclaimed thing, but that's not what they're in it for. So they keep pretending like we make great stuff, like you make two and a half men. Shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] My first, early death question for me too, I was like worried a bit, and then after like a month I'm like, oh, it never panned out.


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[Assistant] What, yeaah, one of the early, they were showing people at the, when Louie went up at the cellar and you see this woman with her arms crossed all mad, and then like, as the show went on, she was like, sorry, and then she started smiling and she's like, oh yeaah, you forgot, this is one of the best comedians of all time, and you're watching him in the greatest environment to do it, in a small club, and of course,


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[Assistant] Let's talk about your statements. Which I love these. Well first actually, did you take, did you guys, Steve was, you sort of said you were wrong. Yes. The two of you, did you start to feel like,


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[Assistant] Did I do something really bad here? Like did you start to accept the mobs?


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[Assistant] I remember saying something about, and this was in a moment where I was already like,


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[Assistant] And I just remember like, it was a tweet, just shitting on every comment, cause like, did you want to get it, the tweet was something along the lines of, did you mean to get into standup?


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[Assistant] So you could do some shitty sitcom that you never would have watched. Exactly.


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[Assistant] I mean, you guys are all fucking selling out. Exactly. And I get it if you're starving to death, but if you're not, like, you're still looking for a straight down the line CBS show? Fuck, come on.


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[Assistant] Shane talked about this when I was going through that Kobe thing.


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[Assistant] That uh, we call that green light syndrome. Where, so I think there's a study that said people are more likely to help a, to help a victim if it's one person attacking them over if it's a mob attacking them. And I don't know if it's because like I don't want to get hurt myself.


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[Assistant] Or if it's because like, I guess that maybe they have a reason to, but there's this thing where it's like, once it's green light on somebody, everyone pours out of the woodwork.


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[Assistant] And like, said stuff that's not even relevant really. And I saw it with DeLeo where people were like, one time he didn't take me out. And I was like, what?


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[Assistant] Even though any one of them could just look up someone else's interview with you. Say the same thing. So it's like, what do you even get?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I never found a- didn't you have a guy who said, like, when you were open mic'ing with him in Philadelphia, saying, like, he said something to me once?


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[Assistant] Let's talk about your comments, statements, apologies.


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[Assistant] And then like, what do you wish you could have said? But let's do like, how do you feel about him now?


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[Assistant] And I mean that. That was a good one. I knew it wasn't going to be taken right. Of course. But what you mean is, and what I want to say to a lot of these people who are like super mad, I'm like, when they're like, you know, this happened to my father and this, I want to be like, I don't believe your anger. I don't believe you're this mad about a microaggression or about somebody using their own pride. Nah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's people, I don't think people think this is an art form. They think it's entertainment only, which it also is. So they're like, you're here for me, you're doing it wrong. Where you would never say to a fine painter or sculptor, I don't like what you're sculpting. You shouldn't do that shit.


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[Assistant] Give a little more visceral to them. I was trying to save my special.


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[Assistant] I was filming in a couple weeks. So I was like, I normally would say nothing at all, but I'm like, fuck, fuck, this thing might go away. I've been working on. So like, let me say something. But looking back, I wish what I would have done is knowing it was going to go away because whatever, here or there, people were like, I don't want any part of this. But like, uhm,


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[Assistant] What I would have said is, hey, to all my fans, you guys know what this is, every few months, somebody gets a joke shown to people who aren't gonna get it, so that's what's happening. No big deal, thank you for still supporting me, but like, I caught a cold like I told Ralphie about, and so this is, it sucks, it's the wrong time, but I wish it was a month ago or a month from now, but,


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[Assistant] You know, you guys know what this is. So, just like all you ever hear about, it's not as bad as you think it is. Yep. That's what I wish I could have said. Instead of talking to the people who hated me, I wish I could have talked to the people who like me still.