[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White safety coming up. Bringing the heat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, uh, see where they're going. See if they're fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was some Chinese, there was a Chinese, uh, no he was Asian. He was a drill instructor and he started yelling at me and he was cross-eyed. He was a little tiny. I just started dying laughing. That did not help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, when I got there I was like, it's great cause your parents drop you off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, they like, train you, they like, shave your head, teach you how to march, give you your uniform, and then, uh, they do a parade at the end of the day, where all the parents are outside, and you march past. And when I marched past my parents, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, football is a nice break from bootcamp. It was so much harder. Wow. It was the hardest shit in the world. Football was way worse. Yeah. Bootcamp was like, just walking. I mean, it was West Point's bootcamp, so it's not like the Marines, something like really hard. You're getting screamed at and called a faggot all day. You're getting screamed at, but they're like not allowed to like swear at you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time I was just like, what the fuck, what the fu- And I called my friend Jamal the night before, and he was playing football somewhere else. And I was like, what are you doing? And he was like, just playing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just a lot of like walking around and standing still. Fuckin' sorry, you would just stand. The whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd be like, hurry up, we're late, and then you go out and stand for three hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. It's brutal. I don't know when I decided to do comedy. Yeah. Really? I was just standing there like, I should be doing anything else. There was a microphone here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember it was like when old school came out. I was like, I wanna do what those guys are doing. That's what I was thinking. They were all like 40 though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you got your fucking ass kicked and just walking around, it was just like, ah, I got blisters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And then I went to Elon and played a year, that's, I played one year of college football at Elon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that fuckin', that was worse than fuckin' army. Why? Because now we had black dudes. They hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bench like 450, and then run fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. I knew, I knew, I knew there too. Like pretty much the first like week I was like, whew, I am not staying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's that big of a gap and then that big of a gap of people who wanna do it. Yeaah. Like I could've stayed and- Right. Got better. Got better. But it just, you know, it took a lot of hard work. Sucked. I was just like, fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but baseball can, my friend played, my cousin played soccer, and he was like, after one season, he was like, this sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get there and it's like, if, if I'm gonna ever play, it's gonna be, cause I got redshirted. So I was like, it's gonna be my fourth and fifth year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just getting my fucking dick knocked in and working out every day. Yeah, for what? Just to maybe play at Elon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appalachian State is great. Dude, Boone is fucking wild. Yeah, dude. It's fucking race-testing. Yeah


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. What happened? I didn't know that. I was like, I just wanted, uh, uh, I just wanted to go to film school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I got to, I don't know, I met people who made movies in New York and I was like, I do not want to know these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit. It's funny, I think the first time we met, you were like, I've been sober since I was 21, and I was like, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not though, right? No, no, no. Okay. But we were drinking whiskey and Robitussin and doing ketamine all night, and he pulled out his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ. That's scary, man. Yeaah. I'm also smoking salvia though, so I was like, doesn't that do it? Isn't that what does that? Where you freak out and then kind of, don't you like sober up right away?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not if you got everything else mixing, revving through you. Right. Alright, the NBA Finals round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be in Tampa at the Tampa Improv, then the 14th and 15th I'll be at Bananas in Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the parking lot of the fucking MetLife. Uh, yeaah, and then Skankfest. That'll be fun. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought about killing myself over the summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't decide on that, but I was in the middle of the field at the end of our street screaming, my fucking brain is broken. While there were people there, but Jamie talked me off the list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I owe you a thank you because at SkankFest you introduced Nate Diaz to my wife. Yes. And I had to hold her back like a fucking rabid pitbull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, I'm not a dog guy. Actually when my wife and I, we go for walks a lot and I carry a knife in case I'm attacked by a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You bring a knife to be like, if a dog comes out, I'm stabbing it. There's, I'm always prepared and there's always an instance where it comes close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, alright, the last time that I can remember being terrified of a dog was, I was going running. I got fired up during the 96 Olympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, alright, I'm too fat, I need to run. And I started running, and uh, there was a dog that took off, I didn't see him at first, but he took off across his lawn, and he stopped at the edge of his lawn, but it was enough to scare me into carrying a knife, in case I come across a dog. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watch most days, the only time where I felt like it got treacherous was, I was spending $50 a month on OnlyFans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Twice a day? Sometimes. I would say maybe like 10 minutes at a clip. Okay, alright. That's not bad. That's not too bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The audio's gotta be right. I mean there's a lot, like I like amateur stuff and there's times where like you could hear them playing like yin yang twins in the background and I don't like that. I like to hear the communication between the two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I feel like that's taken over the animated porn market. Family Guy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What year was this? Uhh, probably 2013. Oh, so I haven't, wait, this is like post...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim, it's funny you mention that because that's one of the appeals of OnlyFans. Are you an OnlyFans fan? No. I tried it and I felt badly about it. It is because a lot of times they'll mention shit like that like, hey, my special needs son needs a fucking wheelchair. So could you guys tip special today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week, All Perks is finally being printed. Yes. Took me a long while to get here, but here I am. But yea, if you go to AllPerks.com, you can purchase my new book, and uh, it is as retarded as it seems. So I have about close to three years of Facebook posts. I was addicted to Perks, and unfortunately during that time I was very active on Facebook. So this is a collection of a few hundred books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only night where I know Tim was actually concerned was the very first night that I smoked crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I called him from Atlantic City. And I went there, I took off, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went down there, one thing led to another, and unfortunately I did smoke crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it fun though? I didn't like it. Oh. It was too fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Paul Walkerfest. Yeah, you're flying. Dude, I didn't like it. Really? So you got high, like, on the inhale. Yeah, I didn't like it. Too much, man. Not for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was, I guess this is how most people end up smoking crack, but it's like, you're doing coke and then the guy that got it for me was the crackhead. Yeah. And I was like, can we get some more powder cocaine? And he's like, no, he's like, but I have this. I can chop this up too, but why don't we cut out the middle and just smoke it. So I texted all the contacts on my phone and asked them to send me a hundred bucks to Western Union in Atlantic City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tim did- Tim called me, and he's like, are you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I think people either take to it or, or don't, thankfully. Yeaah, it wasn't for you. Yeaah, it was too and done. So is it burn on the inhale? Walk me through. It has a distinct smell, and I don't like smoking things to begin with, so like, that was awkward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was the dude? How was your companion? Super sweet guy. Nice. Just uh, just the guy that was hanging outside of the motel. Sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, he's a little angel. And what did you guys do that evening? After the crack, what was going on? Well, it was the first night of the Stanley Cup Finals, so we watched that for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, it was, uhm, devils and kings, I think, or wait, kings. The kings were definitely playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did, and fortunately one of my buddies was playing poker down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, Danny Ozark, uh, I met up with him. He gave me 40 bucks cause I was out of gas too. So, he gave me gas money and I had toll money and I made it home. And then, uh, two friends actually did Western Union to me money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I came home with 200 bucks cause I knew she was gonna say like, and I guarantee you don't have any money. I was like, yeah, well what about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, jeez. So I had sworn off everything at that point and then, uhm, I had like a job at a place that was like UPS but not exactly UPS and I hurt my back and then they instantly gave me perks and then once they determined the severity of the injury, he's like, here, I got between 120 and 180 a day, a week. Gee. And I was off to the races, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had taken it before, uhm, I had broken my hand like four years prior.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, uh, I presented my wife with earrings at my parents house and we were in the kitchen, I gave them to my wife and I was like, she's gonna love these. I haven't given her anything in a while. She opened them. She looks at the earrings. She's like, I don't even have my ears pierced. So then I punched the fridge and I broke my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I don't know, Delco is like minor leagues of opiate addiction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were pretty nice to Tim in Indianapolis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's exactly why I don't jerk off The Simpsons, because every fucking cartoon is Marge fucking Bart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Check out little stinkers too. Yep, all perks dot com. Hell yeaah. I have to sell everything through my website because the uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kanye's enemies. Yeah, Kanye's enemies are jamming me up on Amazon, so I'm doing everything through OnPerks.com. Uh, it's like anything I do, I promise you, if you check that out, you'll like my book. Also check out Lil Snickers, me, Del Calo, and Jake Materia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uhm, they just stopped paying me for my other two books. They kept saying that my bank info was wrong. And it's been the same for years. And they just stopped paying me royalties for my previous two books, so I refused to do business with them. Good for you, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just really funny. Guys, when you've had a long day and you want to unwind like a grown up, grab your favorite Lucy gum or nicotine pouch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what I, I mean Lucy, what is there not to like about it dude? You can just suck on that thing, get a bunch of nicotine, continue your addicted life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out all that Lucy has to offer at lucy.co. That's lucy.co. Use promo code drenched at checkout. If you're a listener from Canada, you can get Lucy at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ca.lucy.co Warning, this product contains negatine. Negatine is an addictive chemical, but if you're interested in a better way to use negatine, visit LucyDuck. So, use that promo code drenched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recently, I think yesterday actually, I was in a bathroom where I thought someone threw up and I was like, Jesus Christ, what a fucking shameful act. Throwing up in a public bathroom? Regulate your stomach in public, and then I ate fish that night and I was like, worried I was gonna throw up, and I was like, that's what I fucking can't, fuck. What type of fish? Salmon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that's- Dude, before you said about his friend, like, he's doing this for you, I was thinking, like, he probably truly was charged up. Oh, he was, for sure. He 100% was. He 100% was. He went to the show, and he was like, I'm about to fucking- I'm gonna honor him. He definitely was running faster than usual, I bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He hasn't confronted this level of nerd in like decades, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the fucking funniest shit in the world. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it honestly is like, that's like a dolly painting of a social situation just started to melt. Just like a really cool thing happened all of a sudden, like someone swirled the colors and everyone was like, what the fuck's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the fucking best. It was really cool. I've sold out Dave and Busters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was really hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bit of Snapchat brain, bit of Snapchat brain going on. It was tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say hello to Smooth Ball Fall. Manscaped is making sure you have everything you need to stay fresh under your belt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's telling me to riff on pubes. Right now my pubes look like they should be on a corpse. They're so fucking long and ghastly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I truly need to shave my pubic hair because my wife refuses to have sex with me and I think that might be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One twentieth of the reason she's refusing my advancements. Uhm, Manscapes Performance Package 4.0 has got it all. The Lawn Mower 4.0 Body Trimmer and the Weed Whacker Nose and Hair Trimmer feature skin safe technology to protect your holes. They're waterproof too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping with the code drenched at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code drenched at manscaped.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a precision targeted supplement system that uses the brain boosting benefits of mushrooms to activate the full potential of human brain health. Made with functional mushrooms, first person supplements stimulate the body's natural production of triggers that help improve energy, mood, and sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took, I like them. I like the morning ones. I'm sorry, I'm reading the personal endorsement thing. Uh, yeaah, the morning ones are nice. And the sleep ones are okay as well. Although L. Theanine and I have a weird thing, but I did like it. Also, they say L. Theanine is nice to take with caffeine, they say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an amino acid found in like certain teas and stuff, but either way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First person uses 100% grain free organic mushrooms, sourced from the best in class vendors. Start improving your brain health and cognition with first person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 15% off your first order by going to GetFirstPerson.com and use code Drenched. That's G-E-T-F-I-R-S-T-P-E-R-S-O-N.com code Drenched for 15% off your first order. GetFirstPerson.com code Drenched. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But mental illness is a myth anyway, so who fucking cares? Goodbye. Dude, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might have had, I also simultaneously had one of the funnest weekends of my life. Oh yea. Cape Cod wedding dude. Yes. I've never been to Cape Cod before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doxed? Yeah, probably not. Dude, it is, you ever been up there before? No. It's, it's the best. It's the best. We don't know about, it's like a, it kinda, in Pennsylvania you go to the Jersey Shore. Yeah. She's just a flat place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, there is like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so hard to describe, but it's like, so basically, it's like a, it's the most like beautiful natural scenery at a beach. You can tell because like they had the foresight back in like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 50s or whatever, the 60s, not to like flatten everything with bulldozers and build plastic houses on everything. Like Sea Isle is just a flat expanse they can develop on everything. They've like preserved like dunes and it's, dude it's so fucking nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we fly to Boston because we have kids with us. So we went to a wedding. So I'm like, I'm not driving anywhere. We're flying everywhere. I'm not doing this. So we fly to Boston. It's like an hour, you know, whatever it is an hour flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and then there's like that airline runs planes to like all of those shore points. So there was one airline while we were waiting, they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're having a wait issue with the plane. Will somebody please like ride the next, someone with flexibility because you ride the next one and like people weren't standing up and then, or finally two people got up and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually we need you too. There was just one big fat guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys have any idea like, you know, like no rush. I just want to know like, do you have an actual timeframe or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm trying to figure out, like, can I go take a shit? Can I do stuff? So you go, sir, we're working on the plane. You can have a seat right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before I even know what happened, I'm walking back, sitting in my seat, and Brittany's like, what'd she say? And I was like, uh, she told me to sit down, and I'm like, ffff-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' bitch, why did I listen to her? It totally dominated me. So then Brittany gets up, I go, Brittany, please, Brittany, please, please don't go up. Dude, I literally, before I even knew what was going on, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just the bros, dude. It's the boys, dude. It's literally a gay- No, Provincetown is like- Provincetown, baby. It's gay. It's a gay beach. Oh shit. So the plane is not- it was like four gay dudes in a heterosexual family. So it was a very- it was a very funny dynamic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be fair, I think interracial is LGBTQ. I was in the gay capital of Cape Cod and I was like, we're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were in the off season, so it was like, yeah dude, it's, it's, they've made a truly beautiful town. Yeah, it's nice. It is very gay though. Gay dudes will do that. Dude, it's, it's crazy. It looks like fucking Gilmore Girls. You're there and it's just like, I'm not saying I've watched any of that show. What the hell are you guys even talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so we get there, cool experience, we fly on the 9 seater plane, I'm like, damn, that, dude, it was like GTA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just moved over to the side and I was like, and when they're balancing the wings, it's like, before you're going to land, it's like whoop whoop whoop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I was like fi- I was to the level where I was like comprehending the physical impact of the plane, I'm like, I'm okay with that. But god, that's so bad that my kids are going to have to go out in like a fucking hard impact in a fireball. I'm like, duh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let me tell you that, bro, first, so this is the first night we fly in on a cool plane. I'm like, that was a lot of fun. We get to an Airbnb, Brittany, it's all cottages up there. It's like these, these like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cedar Shingle Cottages on like the dune. So we have, we're overlooking the bay. It was so fucking nice. And it's the off season too, so it's like, these places, they're not that, they're like a hundred bucks a night. So we get up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we get in, I'm like, damn, I'm pumped on the cottage. I'm like, this is sick. And then, so I knew the groom, friend of the groom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll make, I'll make a show for, I'll go for both of us. I get there and it's just like a bunch of people, like having a party. Dude, have you ever played the game Vortex? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, no, no, no, no, maybe I was wrong. Truly the ultimate drinking. So I get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I, I get there, it's a sick fucking place, it's in like the middle of like, it's very secluded too out there, it's like, it's cool. Where were you in the cave, in the cave? I was in Truro. Truro. So, I don't know, it's just, this is the area, it's like near the bay, so I'm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get to this thing. It's an actual party. I'm having a good time. Someone hands me a hard kombucha. I'm like, dude, thank you. This is very nice. Dude, it was great. So it was just the girl. You might have died on the Cessna. I might have died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 20, like, flip cup drinks, but you know how you do beer pong and you fill it up like that? Yea. Do 20 of it, like, you know, ton, I don't have many cups of those, I was trying to, I was trying to remember them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, we're all around the table, I have a cup, that other person has a cup, and you try to bounce your ball into an empty cup. So if you bounce the beer pong ball into the empty cup,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone next to you hasn't made their cup to your immediate left, you go WHAM and slap their cup out from under them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And someone gets caught in the vortex and they just have to keep chugging while they're trying to make this thing. Dude, I was watching like, uh, just like a girlfriend who comes to like the family wedding. Like, I don't know if there's a first time or whatever, but I'm watching and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just watching people's girlfriends get caught in a vortex. People are fucking screaming. Just, aah! Boom! Smacking their cup, yelling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, it was the fucking funniest, I was screaming, howling, laughing. It was the funniest thing in the world. And then at the end, it comes down to like two cups, and everyone's like, no, no, no, no, no, not for the whole beer. You watch someone's wife land on the, have to chug a whole beer, and it's like, and the way you have, someone just goes, whaah, as far as they, dude, it was, I was, I was screaming laughing. Did you even smack people's beer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, I was smacking cops, I was down, I was coming down to the wire, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confronting down to the wire stuff. That was, it was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so much fucking fun. We're gonna have to play that sometime. We have to. As soon as I got out, I was like, we have to play this game. I'm bringing this game back, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I was like, I have to bring this game back. This is the funnest fucking shit ever. So I do that that night, I get out, I leave. So then I, you know, I take the Odyssey back. I took the Odyssey, bro. Yes. So I'm going back, and then I'm like driving home, and I'm not like, obviously I'm not like fucked up. I mean, the state of Massachusetts might have had some pseudoscience put in shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I'm driving home, I'm like, well, luckily I'm out in the woods, there's no cops out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I, I, I get back again. State of Massachusetts, obviously. Again, I'm, physically I'm okay to drive. I know everyone says this, but truly I was. I was like, more as the vape pen was kind of the issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't care what you guys do over here, but I'm home base, so legally under the state of Massachusetts law, I'm good. Yes. Commonwealth. Good night. Commonwealth, excuse me. Commonwealth law. Dude, so I get in, night one, unbelievable. Night two, beach volleyball. Oh, hell yeah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea dude, there's a beach volleyball, slides into a night time pig roast, I mean, dude. They didn't even start. The wedding was the next day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get ha- and the whole time we had the kids. So Brittany would leave, take the kids back, so old McCusker would hang out. We also brought a babysitter, which is Clutch. Yea. So we had someone there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we can have fun! Yea, of course. You guys good? I'm fucking, I'm out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was feeding seagulls on the beach making fucking creature storms. It was tight. You made some creature storms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, it was sick. But dude, the wedding, dude, the wedding was truly a transformative moment for me personally. I always have personal transformations at weddings. Every wedding I go to, totally different. You seem different. Thank you. Yeah, I can tell. There's a glow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been having, true, it was, there was a very loving atmosphere, I tap into that all the time at weddings, this was a truly loving atmosphere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, at the wedding the best part was, so I'm at the wedding and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So again, Brittany has to leave, put the kids to bed, or help out, and, so I'm like, alright, I'll hold down the fort here. So I'm at the wedding, I'm by myself, and then it's like, I'm sitting there, seeing the dance floor, and I'm like, truly, everyone was deserted their tables, and everyone was packed. It wasn't a humongous wedding, it was a decent size, so I'm standing there by myself, and now it's like, social anxiety's on a thousand. I go, what the fuck, what am I gonna do with myself now?


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[Assistant] Why? I'm just standing there. I'm like- Why were you just standing there? This is what I got to the crux of. So I'm sitting there, and I'm just sipping red wines all night, smoking my vape pen.


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[Assistant] I've accessed a deep subconscious strata of thought where I feel unwanted. That's where my social anxiety comes from.


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[Assistant] But yea dude, that was a transformative, that was fully transformative. That's wonderful. Just being like, it had a blast, then she got there, then it was a fucking bonfire on the beach at the end of it at 10pm. Oh, that's awesome.


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[Assistant] They got drilled by Ian. But yea, dude, the, uh, it was sick. Sick as fuck, dude. It was so much fun. Woke up. This is rare.


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[Assistant] We both returned with just, man, great. So much fun. Shit's going well. It was unbelievably the funnest time. We're going to the Cape. I'm getting the boys to the Cape, dude. I'll go to the Cape. We must.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' like 8 a.m. and I was up. And then the bride came around. There's a lot of gay dudes there at the wedding. So the bride came and was like


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[Assistant] Towards the end, she was like, dude, we have to do the fucking flower toss. She like was kind of against, I think she was just kind of like this whole thing.


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[Assistant] So, she I think has kind of like a, oh yeaah, I have to do it. She got the boys up there to be a little untruthful. Yeaah, we'll see who likes it now. The only people who heated the call were me and a bunch of gay guys.


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[Assistant] So we get up, and I'm at, I'm with the boys, dude. And there's like one or two girls there. I'm with the boys, and I'm like, I want my second marriage, boys. You have to catch this. Dude, I'm like, I kept saying to the boys, I'm like, I want my second marriage, boys. I, the third one's gonna wear it. They're just fucking with them, dude. And they were like, they were cackling. And then it just launches overhead, and the girl caught it, and we're all like, fuck.


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[Assistant] There were so many gay dudes there and I was like watching them and I was like, dude these guys got crushed dude.


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[Assistant] Crushed. I was just watching, I could, in my head I could see just the fucking level of just non-stop decades of bullying in their face and I was sitting on the edge of the dance floor like, this fucking poor fella.


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[Assistant] I was feeling for them. I was feeling for the boys. I was like, dude, these guys. Dude, they were dancing.


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[Assistant] I think that was part of the thing. I'm like, I think they had a, like a trial by fire where they've been completely just eviscerated into there were like, dude, you can't hurt me anymore. I'm going to dance as hard as I can on this dance floor. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there straight as hell being like,


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[Assistant] I told you, I said, you're a comedy podcaster, bro. I saw, I said, you're a fucking comedy podcaster.


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[Assistant] Of that? Whatever you want, man. Yea, dude. Absolutely. Some hockey? Hey guys, welcome to a fair one with Tommy Pope and Shane Gillis.


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[Assistant] Hot start. Just because I ran from the train and I wasn't, I wasn't prepared.


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[Assistant] And my biggest fear is having like a, like a pigeon toe or a duck, a duck flick.


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[Assistant] He looks like he's from, you look like you're from Buffalo. You got a very Buffalo look. I've been told that.


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[Assistant] And then he came back this year and just again with the fucking pick sixes left and right. It's laughable. It reminds me of the story you told me about Jay. About Big Jay. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] If we were playing Rough Touch in the street and there was like six dudes, it's still hard to be quarterback. It's six strangers. Cause one of those guys just freaking fucking fire it.


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[Assistant] It's the same. It's the same game to explain, even if you've watched it your whole life. Yes. My wife's like, what's the difference between offsides and a neutral zone? I'm like, I don't fucking know. Don't ask that question.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's good to have you, man. Yeah, I'm glad to be here. I had no idea what I was walking into. Neither do we. Every, that's the whole point of the show is you just never know what the fuck you're gonna get into.


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[Assistant] I would say the left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shane is, uh, he, Shane hides how large he actually is until he stands behind me when I brush my teeth and it kind of bugs me out. Not, not, uh, I just feel inferior. I don't, not like sexually. He'll do it in his underwear shirtless and he'll do that fucking...


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[Assistant] Except for, I couldn't stand the, uh, the Jolly Rancher smell. Come, like, pump it. Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] I've never done it. You shouldn't. Hired me. This is very, it's a, it's a... It's a chick.


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[Assistant] Just constant step, did you put the, uh, you can put your speed in there, right?


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[Assistant] What's going on with you guys? I'm doing a lot of talking. No, you're doing great, man. You're doing great. Everybody's doing great. Yeah, you got the Stairmaster rocking.


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[Assistant] Did you do that? Did you do the runs when you fall thing? Snowtown, did you ever do that just when it's snowing or ice on the ground? Like grab a pickup truck? No, I wish I would've. We did that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's talk about this test. We talking, uh, regular tests? Is there a flavor? Was there like...


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[Assistant] Travel anywhere. Yeah. So they're never going to visit me. So, and that's fine. I'm not like.


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[Assistant] You gotta get here. I'm like, I'll come there. It's way better.


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[Assistant] It is and it isn't. She's like, this is not working. I feel totally fine. And then she's like, Maddie, you're such an artist. I'm like, it's working.


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[Assistant] South Buffalo assholes. What a bunch of dumb pollocks. Did your mom always smoke weed? Was she always a pilot?


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[Assistant] No, like my, my parent, I mean my parents always drank, they still drink, but like...


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[Assistant] I try to like hold off as long as I can because it's a lot to deal with.


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[Assistant] He always like, growing up in like eighth grade, I remember the first time I caught him smoking weed, I was going out to like- Dad smoked weed?


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[Assistant] Yeah, growing, all growing up. But I never knew what the smell was until like around 8th grade. So like 6th, 7th grade I'd smell something in the backyard. I thought it was like a skunk or something. And then 8th grade I would get on my scooter and I would ride to my buddy's house.


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[Assistant] And I come, I come, I come back down, I don't know, these pawn heads. I come, I come back down the, uh, the driveway and, uh, I caught my dad. And I got the smell.


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[Assistant] I would come back and cut my dad's lawn when he was at work, like I thought that was like a good thing to do. A good son. Yeah. And I caught him growing it along the tree line when I was weed whacking. Oh, okay. He would just grow like a rogue fucking plant. And then like a year later, like I brought it up to him.


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[Assistant] She couldn't walk out on the grass, and he was, he had like, uh, uh, uh,


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[Assistant] So, you know, a fucking pole. You just had a pole to stabilize it. And now it's like eight feet.


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[Assistant] Cause he didn't think my mother, it was huge. It was at least six.


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[Assistant] We drank, we drank on a golf course and this would get us 45 minutes which would take walking 20.


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[Assistant] I asked him where the extension cord was, and he was telling me where it was, and I found this giant bag of bud that was like, it was one of those big ol', gotta get that bag!


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[Assistant] Are you selling this fucking weed? You got like buddies at work, you're pushing this weed. He's like, no, no, look, look, look, it just got out, the plank got out of hand. It was a hot sweet.


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[Assistant] In like, uh, in books and dumb as fuck on the streets. Real dumb. Real dumb kid. She ate her finger once. She didn't know when to stop eating hot dogs. She's a real fucking dumb.


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[Assistant] Is he? And for a while he held the biggest comeback record on Maryland in college and the Bills and the Pros. Sorry. Go get me started on Frank Reich. You like that guy? I used to have a t-shirt that said you got the Reich one baby.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they play in Orchard Park, which is like way the fuck out there, and then people who own homes, like, they pay a fee to have their, their front yards and backyards become parking lots.


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[Assistant] Nah man, the trade deadline just passed, we thought we were gonna trade him, but we were asking too much, so now we're just stuck with this guy.


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[Assistant] Yo, who else is from Buffalo? Unfortunately, Gronkowski, the Gronk. Wow, I didn't know that.


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[Assistant] Man, you're coming out with stats. I got the stats, people! It's a big sports show today. Real big sports show.


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[Assistant] How many wings? Wins. Oh, wins. Yeah, we got about three.


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[Assistant] You really do. You need like a Jim Kelly, a Philip Rivers, some idiot. Parson Wentz. Philip Rivers, arguably the biggest psychopath in the league.


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[Assistant] I feel bad for, that's a guy I feel bad for getting stuck in that. If he had an O line and a threat besides, I mean he obviously had uhm, uh, with the tight ends.


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[Assistant] Gates. Gates. Gates. Yeaah. I mean, he was wonderful, but he didn't have an o- like that motherfucker, he was so talented. I mean, he's gonna go down as one of the best, but-


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[Assistant] That sucks that we got rid of sprawls the year we won the championship and then brought it back. I felt bad for a little bit. It was hurt.


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[Assistant] I know, but we traded him. He wasn't on the squad, right? What? No. He wasn't on the team, was he?


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[Assistant] He's like 36. Yeaah, he's old. And he's still doing it. Yeaah. Good for him. Dodges a lot. A lot of those headshots, you can stick around for a while. I got a bumwheel.


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[Assistant] They need to do another, like, invincible situation with us, and they just allow the city to try out. Dude, I'm a huge fan of that. Yeah, me too. Obviously.


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[Assistant] I'm thinking of Jamie Mueller. No, I'm thinking of, uh, uh, God, what's his name? Moose? No, fullback. What'd you say?


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[Assistant] I felt like I said San Francisco. You did say San Francisco. Ironhead Hayward? No.


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[Assistant] Anytime a defender against the Eagles like falls or even an offensive, anyone who's opposing the Eagles is on the field for an injury timeout, he gets so fucking upset, he'll go, get that fat fuck off the field. He's a pint-sized little dego. And I'm like, dad, stop acting so tough.


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[Assistant] Dude, every, every holiday when I see him, when he's like doing his fucking pan sauces for a turkey or something, I'll get behind him and wrap him up, cause I want him to know that he can't fish now.


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[Assistant] It's 95% Yankee spinstripe. It's not even like, they didn't like...


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[Assistant] Okay, because Boston College of Fenway would be a home game for Boston College.


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[Assistant] It is wild that the, like, Western PA guys, they, they're...


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[Assistant] It's almost like you're in the south. You're all college teams. Like there's no, you don't give a fuck about.


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[Assistant] But there's no, like, professional, like, you don't, you don't really care for it. I mean, you like the Eagles, but you don't really care. Do you guys all love, like, the movie Deer Hunter? Cause there's a bunch of, like, PA guys. Deer Hunter's amazing. Yeah, it's great.


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[Assistant] Nah, he's probably three right now. Clement's probably two. Terrible name. Clement used to be the first. But yea, we don't have a fucking- It's an Asian name.


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[Assistant] That's, I mean, that's ridiculous, you know. You are a minority right now, you know that.


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[Assistant] He's got a sweatshirt dick. He's got a sweatshirt asshole and a sweatshirt dick. It's insane. He's uncircumcised. It's got, it looks like a, it looks like you're like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it just comes back like a, like a vacuum cord. You hit a button. You'll find it. Like peeling the dead skin off of like a python.


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[Assistant] I haven't played a video game since like 2003. This is the one. This is the one that got me fuckin'. I see a lot of people posting about it. A lot of people are talking about it.


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[Assistant] That's not true though, it's wonderful. It's a great service. And we love Bet DSI. We do, we love Bet DSI. Bet DSI is a shame.


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[Assistant] When you're from Buffalo, you don't, you don't, you don't toy with that shit. I'm a born loser.


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[Assistant] The minute I start rooting for them, they are going to lose. And it has nothing to do with, like, it doesn't have to be a Buffalo team. Yeah. I'm just watching like a fucking... Sabres won, how many years ago?


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[Assistant] It's gonna be crazy. I hope it happens, well who knows. I know this sounds generic like I'm, like I'm patting you on the back and picking you up, but I will pick you up, I'll burp you. And I'm telling you right now, the long wait is gonna be, it's gonna be worth it.


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[Assistant] I feel like the Sabres have more of a chance than the Bills. Absolutely.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but it'll be more fun. It's hockey, half the fucking league makes the playoffs. Yeah. And then it's anybody's game.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. Fuck dude, I don't even think he had that in his brain.


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[Assistant] Yea, but don't get some big picks the next three years. We're sucking.


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[Assistant] Jeff Skinner, Kane Shiri, big pickups in the off season, Carter Hutton. We got a real goalie now, folks. Jack Eichel looks as good as he ever has.


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[Assistant] There's one where, uh, the kicker, who was the kicker for the Patriots for the years? Venetary? Yea, Venetary. So Jim Kelly's behind him at the fucking airport.


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[Assistant] See you in hell. Come to the fucking show. Doug Smith, my co-host, he stopped the rape.


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[Assistant] Take the Eagles straight up. Outright. Eagles outright. They're gonna cover the spread, they're gonna cover the overrun, it's gonna be a fucking bloodbath. It's gonna be disgusting.


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[Assistant] Ari, yea bruh. Say hello. What's up guys? My name's Ari Shaffir. I'm one of those.


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[Assistant] No, they hated Jim Jeffries until he got big outside Australia. Really? Yeah. They're like, fuck you. You think you're better than us. And then he hit big in America. Like, you're pretty cool.


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[Assistant] What was simping before simping? Do they have another word for it? Like 10 years ago?


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[Assistant] Did somebody do that to Billy Joel? Me and Justin and Sal and Jay went and some guy put his arm around me on the way out, just like gently. And I was like, hey, what are you doing?


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[Assistant] No. He's like, what are you a Finns fan? I'm like, no, they just played the Jets. I'm like, no, get, hey, don't touch me. You go, sorry. Yeah, that was so weird.


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[Assistant] Is that code? I guess. And I was like, don't ever touch me like that.


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[Assistant] Damn. He tried to laugh it off, but I wasn't having- He tried to grab you. Stranger. Then he followed us down the fucking street. You don't like being touched? Higher. You're the peenie. I'm not touching your penis. I'll get hard. I'll get hard right on you. I can do it on camera.


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[Assistant] Can we talk about it or do you not want to? No. You should have got the conversion the right thing. Go fuck you. Am I even serious?


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[Assistant] Mutilated. Mutilated. Yeah. And I was like, I'm, I'm, I'm okay with that. You've been mutilated! Yeah. They started screaming at me. Well, they try and make it the same as female circumcision, which it's not nearly as hot. Nothing females do is good. Yeah. Female circumcision is wild.


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[Assistant] What happens? It's single by female. What is that? A movie where some girl, you must know it.


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[Assistant] Some girl dressed like her friend, does everything like her friend to try to be her life and then she like breaks into like the friend's boyfriend's apartment and starts blowing in the middle of the night and then he like realizes like last second like wait, you're not my girlfriend. Someone made a feature film.


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[Assistant] Literally, I was like, hey, but twice, I was like, first I was like, yeah, it's coming out November 2nd, I'll do your pockets. Yeah, sure. And I was like, hey, this is coming out after November 2nd, right? And you said, yes.


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[Assistant] How would you, to show that you're mean business, you would just nuke Tanzania. Of all places? You mean Tasmania? I do mean that. Thanks Shane for clarifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's totally absurd. It's crazy. When my amazing racist videos hit the internet. I remember those. Yeaah, they got ripped off that National Influence DVD and uh, a white power website picked it up, whitenationalist.com. And the headline was, Jew boys got the right idea.


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[Assistant] Blacks will often put that F where the TH is. This was a nice reversal.


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[Assistant] You know, I was in Philly this past weekend. What? Fuck it. I never got as bigger responses than when I had Nate, uh, uh, Marshall come out and tell me if and six, if the six was one, if the Philly's Philly's one. Yeah. I was like, just interrupt me. Wait till you know what I did.


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[Assistant] It does bring people together. Everyone's wearing their jerseys out there.


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[Assistant] You are the JM dude. I am. Anyway, the point is, I'm switching allegiances. Yes. I'm swapping.


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[Assistant] Everyone, we're nice people. We're good, smart people. She's circumcised too.


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[Assistant] Look how the blacks try to claim him when he's clearly Arab. Yea, he's obviously Arab. And they were like, not white means black.


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[Assistant] It's not a group, it's the individuals who all own it.


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[Assistant] A lady? No, not CEO. We're talking about owner.


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[Assistant] Who wants YouTube? Zuckerberg is big. He's Jewish. That's a big one.


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[Assistant] He's not Jewish, but that's not media. Yeah, what the fuck's Bezos?


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[Assistant] You guys are mean to our lord. Yeah, we try to stop something that would affect our dominance. David fucking nuked you guys with a goddamn slingshot, bro. What? Yeah. Judaism was the most powerful place on earth.


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[Assistant] But they were saying Jews controlled the media before any of these places existed.


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[Assistant] I think he's, I think he's super smart and up to something. He's trying to make interesting points.


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[Assistant] Don't do that, don't just call me crazy. That's what he did to Chappelle when he's like, I don't want to do this anymore, you guys make this suck. And they're like, you must be crazy, you're on drugs.


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[Assistant] Wow. At least he gives up for Shakespeare. True.


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[Assistant] So what if you hit hard? What if it just came together?


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[Assistant] What is it like to be black in America? What does that pick out of a hat? Or they gave it to you specifically?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This says Bruce Lee died at age 32 in Hong Kong from a brain edema probably caused by a prescription painkiller. That was it. Debunked. That was it. I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] Tommy Pope and coming back to the stage is Kevin Ryan.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's just, he's wearing all the things. He's wearing like loose fitting jeans again and like the old school like classic fit. He just looks dynamite when he shows up to a party. To a beef and beer somewhere. To a funeral.


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[Assistant] No, no, this is a genuine question, so you're not shaving. You're not cleaning anything up around there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But still, that has nothing, I don't think that has anything to do with your hair growth. No, it doesn't. Yea, it does. No, it just has something to do with your fucking big cock. No, your fucking, your, the audacity. Do you know what audacity means?


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[Assistant] So sporadic. It's, it's just all over the place, but you do it well because it's only collecting in these areas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean. That's why he goes to Germany. It's legal over there, yeaah. You're over to Deutschland. Uhm, I'm doing good, buddy. You know, hanging and banging. Yeaah. I don't know what that means. Yeaah, no, neither do I. Uhm, yeaah man, pretty good, you know. Trying to, uh, lay off the booze a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know if I didn't meet her, I would think you're talking about like some, some, like...


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[Assistant] We'll make, we'll make it work. How old is your girl? She's my age, 32. Yea, a little older. By a month, not bragging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is she, does she just live in Germany or is she from Germany? She's from Germany. Yeaah, yeaah. I met her, met her at a show at the stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she went back home and you- She went back home, yeaah, it was, uh, it was, uh, you know, uh, one night love affair. And then she went back home. And I honestly texted her-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, to try to get her to send me pictures of her boobs. That's like how it started and then like...


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[Assistant] She did it and we were just like talking every day and then it was just like, we just kept talking and kept talking. And then she was like, Hey, can I, you know, she came back and that was a pretty bananas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so either she doesn't work or, you know, she can kind of take a leave of absence or kind of work remotely. Is that like the European laws or is she wealthy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, she's, you can, they can take crazy amounts of time. They take like three months to get through it all. If like, if you have a baby, right, the woman gets like, the woman gets like two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's pretty expensive. I don't know, but it's like you go places and like, I can't, I can't do the math. I'm spending U.S. dot, like, when I go over there. Yeah. It's like, and like, tipping's not a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I took like a taxi, it was like 6 bucks, and like I had like a 10, and I'm like, uh, 6 euro, and I had like a 10, and I was just, just, I'm not gonna ask for like, the one, you know, like, yeaah, I'm just like, here you go. And they were like, the guy was like, no. Like, what do you want? I'm just like, in my head, I'm like, yeaah, whatever, I'm tipping bartenders, they love me, cause they never get fucking tips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't get, uh, I didn't get too close. My buddy had a house at, uh, just off Fairmount.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, in fair amount, just off the art piece. Oh nice. So we look beyond...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know the old like cement blocks that would like cover the uhm, the gas pumps?


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[Assistant] They're sitting there with like lighters and like flicking matches into it to try to get it to burn. My buddy is just like, he's like a professional praise, like children. Like just took his, he had a hoodie on, he took his hoodie off, lit that on fire, then threw that in. It was like, Jesus Christ. Into a dumpster of cardboard. Into a dumpster of cardboard that just then just set like a huge blaze. Yeah. It's crazy. So you were in Philly. I was at, yeah, I was going to temple and we ran down from temple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, originally, but I grew up in Bucks County. Shout out to Fishtown Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched the past few seasons, I don't know, that was a wacky, it wasn't that good, I didn't think. You know what? It was a lot. I kind of agree. It was a lot. It was a lot. I'm into it. Was it blurry and fuzzy? I'm like, is this my screen? What the fuck's going on? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it's fighting for 45 minutes. Yeaah. There needs to be a lull where you're kind of- Yeaah. They did like a decent job of jumping back and forth, like through the different people a little bit, but still, too much. I'm like, how many fucking people- how many hours are they going to see you get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some space in that two-hander too. It's like that Italian pepper shaker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's opening a beer. Yeah, open a second so that we have it. Oh, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just talked about this, uh, last night we were talking about the first time we got drunk. Made a buddy of mine. And I want to hear your experiences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you imagine having the opportunity to beat the fuck out of a 15 year old fake tough kid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time I was young, man, again, maybe like, you know, I don't know, we were like 11 or 12 and my buddy Dustin, oddly enough, uh, he had an older sister, like crazy older, like way too old to be, I don't know what was going on, but significantly older sister, like mid twenties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I s- I shared a bed with him and he would go around- You're the first time I ever saw- Yeah. Uh, up until like 13- way too late. Way too late in age. Jesus Christ. Up until like 13?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, we had two bedrooms, so me and Brian had a bedroom and then Steve had his own bedroom. You guys cranked him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was one queen size bed that we shared. No, no, because I was too young. The earliest like sexual, it's not even sexual. I remember peeing myself with a boner and letting it ride and just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Brian gets, uh, I guess it was like a wedding or something. He was just drinking wine off the, off the tables and gets home and we're in the same bed and he just wakes up like fucking, just starts throwing up red vomit everywhere. And I was terrified. I was so fucking scared. And then a few years later, Steven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did the same thing when he was like, yeah, I guess able to go out and like have his own time and come back at like midnight. He was drinking like a golf course or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my, I hear my mom wake, wake, like me and my brother up, screaming in the hallway going, Steve! And she's got that fucking long curly cord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just wobbled on the tan carpet and I was afraid to drink for...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, ten, like five, ten years after that? Jesus. And he was the first one to get me drunk and I had to pinch my nose and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! Is that what's happening with all that stuff? Oh. Uhm, I don't know, but, uh, I don't know, I did, yeah, I got caught one time in the woods with the, I was real, like, young. We were playing, like, doctor or whatever. That's gonna be a problem, by the way. No, it's not. That's gonna be a constant for us, sorry. Uhm, no, okay. Uh, we...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. We were like, thought we were boyfriend-girlfriend-ers. I dunno. I should get separated enough to go in the woods and naked at five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skating parties. Also, we did like, uh, cause we went to catholic school, so we did, uhm, like 6th grade dances. Yeah. So, boys to men, with this girl, Jennault, was like, that was the first time I fell in love, 6th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this chick is fucking it. She was in 8th grade, and she was a smoke show, so I went 6th to 8th. That's a jump at that age. If a dude was in 8th grade, we're not fucking happy. No. This other dude tried to fight me, and he kept trying to coerce me into the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this other dude stuck up, stuck up for me. Nice. And he got fuckin' rocked. Daniel- Guy who stuck up for you got punched? Yea, Daniel McGlinchey got beat by this dude who was like the biggest badass. He didn't even go to Catholic school. He just showed up to this fuckin'- Those are always the toughest dudes that came from like- Oh my god, fuckin' monster. To this school district next door, you're like, who the- Imagine like, hey, this fuckin'-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where'd you, where'd you go to high school? Uh, my senior, uh, Trexel Hill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's bring in next week. We got five shows this month. Let's bring in the honey. Let's, uh, let's do some research. Bring in the honey. Yeaah. Why don't you take it every day and we'll see your progress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bad parenting. There's no, you can't be born in this area and be a Cowboys fan without a bad parent. It's impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like our buddy Steve says, the only, the loyalty you have to a team is based upon the geographical location of your mother's vagina. If you're born in Jersey or you could be in New York or Giants or Jets or Philly, pick one. Pick one. Can't be Dallas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so you, are you, are you accepting of someone that's like just a random ass Dallas Cowboys fan? That's not from-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like in the Yankees or Red Sox in the last decade and not being in the fucking eastern corridor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That mentality of like, it doesn't matter, just whatever it takes. All to the wall. Fucking maniacs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have that anymore. If you're gonna tell me you liked Dallas Cowboys based on their history, you're a fuckin' garbage person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually in, in your life. Yeah. You gotta like Bayern Munich. Your, your kid has...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever local sports team, you're not gonna be like, you gotta like Philly's sports. Well, there's no comp- they're not competing with the Eagles. Okay. Let's say you go to fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're just fucking, just curmudgeance and just angry. You could see that they have to, they have a state budget for their wife's face for every Sunday. Like they're just fucking, they got nothing going on. That's the, when the win actually happens, it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well guess what, when the fucking Browns win in the next three to five years, I will be happy. Everybody will be happy as well. No joke, I will be happy for them. That's what happened to you with the fucking Red Sox, when it was the curse of 1918 or whatever. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. It was like 2002 or 2003 and the first win they got, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a kid, there was a one mistake I made. Notre Dame Star Jacket. It's cause everyone from our neighborhood. That's the one mistake you made as a, as a child. Athletically, yes. And sports, yea. And I felt like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this is my college team. I didn't give a fuck about college teams. But if you're- Yeah, I never did. Like, Irish immigrant, the people are just like, yeah, Notre Dame. It's like, pussy. Why wouldn't you go to Penn State?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dumbest people I've ever met. Cops, teachers, or fucking went to fencing? We like cops on this network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Win. And we'll beat Penn State. But not, not in the three years I was there. Yeah, but they, uh, so we went up and there was like the first game, the first two games were there. So we went up, we're like, ah, we'll go up. Cause like everybody knows people. If you went to school in Pennsylvania, you know people at Penn State, you know what I mean? So we went up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we went up and, uh, everyone's like, yeah, we'll go hang out and hang out with our friends that go to Penn State. So we would, people are like, your fucking temple sucks, bro. We're like, we're on this shitty bus. And I'm like, I'm like, dude, you're yelling at the wrong, these are like fucking, you know, lunatics from like Northeast Philly who were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything to plug, Kevin? Uh, I got a new web series called Last Spot of the Night. It's on YouTube, Kevin Ryan Comedy. Check that out. Uhm, this Saturday'll be a- Really funny. Thank you, buddy. This Saturday'll be a Laugh It Up with Paul Verzi and Poughkeepsie, if you're around. Uh, other than that, kevinryancomedy.com. Happy Valley. Happy Valley. Fucking pussies. It's so bad. Uhm, one more thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the black conservative section of your algorithm must be lit right now. It's lit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they, if they think they can get down on that. So you count that I'm saying? Yeah. Ping pong counts. I will out ping pong any gay dude out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I- I don't think I have- I don't think I've seen a gay guy- You've never seen that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you do? Well I just said, you know, posted up with a laptop. And what'd you do on the laptop? Well I was working with this dude who was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was writing a movie called 500 Years Later, which was like the aftermath of slavery 500 years later. Right? When did he do this? This was in like 2002, 2003. The movie was huge. That's the most coffee shop screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was writing like his news, like he was a really good writer. People were hitting him up for articles all the time. He didn't have time to fuck with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I was, I was a ghostwriter for a black radical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the documentary, uh, 500 years later, which ended up screening at the Millions More March and was the largest screening in the history of the US, the single largest screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize there was a whole culture behind this. This is like a movement that I've missed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I wonder what the real numbers are on female workplace fatalities. Because I feel like a lot of them are gonna be like, well that dumb bitch had it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why two people, when they come together, knowing that they were pathological fuck-ups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, well, I mean, you fuck up, like, you fuck up enough. You're like, I probably should be sharing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, I am enjoying watching how the black conservatives are, are losing their shit over the libs, losing their shit over Candace Owens and Kanye West's White Lives Matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounded like he called you a checkers player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But how is it speculated that the answers are coming from his ass? That's what I know. How did they get that? That's where you can hide something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen the video I'm talking about? No. Okay. I mean Tim's uh, porn adjacent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had to throw up some papers, you know, they had to be like this is what we've been trying to tell you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The public will never really want to admit it because the public will never fully want to admit that those guys were right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's the tough thing. Like we all have to swallow that pill and none of us want to swallow it. We don't have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to have them rise to the top of like public consciousness and decision making.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And the general public is not gonna let it happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, yea. What if we find out for sure that interracial dating is fucked up? Like- From aliens? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, listen, I love this type of science fiction conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, that's how they play. That's what science fiction is, by the way. Science fiction, all the movies, all the shows, they're just a cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like, that shit is actually going on. But if you, if you are the guy that is the whistleblower, you're like, oh yea, okay, he's just talking about Deep Space Nine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So we have, you know, Stargate Atlantis for sure is a cover. Stargate SG-1? SG-1?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like the premise behind the Stargate movie is that all of the mythology from like ancient Egypt and ancient Greece, it's real, but they were actual gods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Eye of Horus that they talk about in... Sounds like the best show ever. It's pretty sick. Fuck. Well, there it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the show starts, it's on Showtime when the first starts, and then it goes to Sci-Fi. So in the first two episodes of Stargate SG-1, you get to see titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's pretty sick. But then after that, you know, it goes to, uh, I think network TV. So, and then at some point it goes to the sci-fi channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. But it's like, it's a, the show is great all the way through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, reading is still gay, so. I mean, I love sci-fi, but come on. Sci-fi books? You're saying you don't like sci-fi books? Nah, I mean, they're in my house, and they read sci-fi books, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still think it would freak me out reading that book. It sounds like it has some scary moments in it that you were trying to gloss over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I saw something the other day, it was like a fucking Instagram post, that said that type, they're calling, uh, Alzheimer's type 3 diabetes. Because it's so linked to, uh, the sugar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Right? I feel like they're trying to normalize trash culture altogether. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like, diabetes, not that big deal, look at us, we're all athletic and we know it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I was 1144. That's not bad. Yeah, yeah, but here's what happened to me. So, when we did the screen, when we, uh, decided to do it, that week was the ADCC Grappling Championships, right? And, I was, we were originally watching it on, uh, Anzli's phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I was like, ah, look at this, my screen time is just staying right


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but then I was like alright, alright, fuck I can't do this. I was like actually let me put this on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I put it for the time that I was watching. Like I made sure it was always on my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It was actually kinda tight. I think you were doing, you were playing a little trick on us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think he used his sociology degrees on us? All his mind tricks and shit? He didn't break any rules, but he definitely did something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? So it's a gay romantic comedy that flopped at the box office and they're blaming it on straight, straight white men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the one variety headline that I found, Why did Billy Eichner's bros bomb at the box office? Straight people aren't entirely to blame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's all, it's all like, it's all talking about how it's disappointing that people didn't see the movie. Like all the headlines are like, you know, why you guys fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Anyangaseo. Anyangaseo. BQ means move. Get out of the way. Shiba! I had to meet a lot of Korean parents. Was that? What is going on? You speak Korean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing, Obama is, is the Democrats Trump. Like they're both once in a generation. And there's like mad guys, like Ted Cruz has tried to do Trump before and it's like, it's impossible. You don't have the sauce man. You don't have the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Project Warp Speed. Yeah. The beautiful vaccine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a great comic, this guy over here. He's very very funny. He's very funny. He's a superstar. Yes. He's the next big thing. Wait, what'd you say at Funny Moms that you thought they didn't like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, we're pivoting hard, dude. I'm selling the fuck out. I don't care. We're gonna get big celebrity guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you lost me this loss episode. I had costed him the other day and asked him to do my podcast. Simon Pegg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they had George Sakai on Star Trek. Yea, but they didn't call him anything. What do you mean? His name was Sulu. I thought his name was, uh, Gae Blation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they do land acknowledgements when we were on tour there? No. They were supposed to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll get me back in good graces. I've done a lot of bad things. I'm gonna make up for all of them on the show. Yeaah. Me and Simon Pegg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did he say? What did he say? He was like, he's like, I'm be honest, like officer, like I'm going to get my dick sucked right now. And like, if you ever got your dick sucked by this bitch, you understand why I'm driving right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna get a couple pedophiles on the show, see what that's all about. That'd be cool. Nick doesn't like, I keep making this joke, Nick doesn't like it. I just wanna see, you know, no one's trying to help them out, you know, so. The pedos? Yeah, yeah. You know, we should, we should just see, you know, what, what their side of the story is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are making, we're making a TV show, Nick and I right now. And if you're fans of this podcast or fans of come town, I think you're going to like what we have cooking. Okay. So, uh, is that what you go to patreon.com?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the camps? Oh my god. Apparently there were legendary open mics at the camps. They were doing bits. They were bringing down the house. They said that, uh, that's where Take My Wife came from, was actually out of short. He set it to a guard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this guy, he's a natural entertainer. It's so funny, the Germans really, we got comedy and they got like a stable market economy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Patreon.com slash Comtown. Uh, that's, we, we're spending all our own money. You guys are going to invest in yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What year was this? Uh, 80s at some point. Are you talking about Joseph?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, dude, it's pretty nuts. It's free on there. Don't be fucking dumbasses, dude. Yea, it's free. You just have to listen to it there. We're dodging copyright strikes. Don't be so frugal. Don't be so frugal either. With your time. Don't be so fucking frugal with your time and resources. Dude, I might be at peak gratitude right now. It's been tough to deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nighttime I literally, I just collapsed, but dude it's uh, like I got three hours of sleep last night. Was up fucking around doing kid stuff, got woken up at six thirty in the morning, thought I was gonna fall back asleep. Laid down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's worthless. Publishable is fucking worthless at this point, dude. Outside of the social interaction, which at this point is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we say maybe he's tilting to a pretty warped toxic level? Pretty warped. Yea, teach him how to be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, to like give people some basic education, but it's now become a kind of fucked up wild thing. It's crazy. It's a cattle shoot. Dude, I went to f- I got- I went and got a fucking, not bragging, I got a master's degree, I have an advanced education, and they fucking were like doing voting propaganda to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, you know, I can use that maybe at a later point in life. But I was like, I want to see and dude, it's, it's totally true. It's a classroom paralyzed with fear. Right. And then there's just like a couple maniacs who completely take over the dynamic. You were one of those maniacs? No, I clashed them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was an absolute motherfucker the entire time. And I couldn't, I just literally couldn't help it. Dude honestly, like, I've said it before, 85% to 90% of the people there were actually cool, normal, chill people. And they would get held emotionally hostage in these classes and have to be like, and they would all take turns parroting these like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just going there just to spread, you know, I was just going there to spread how I see things, dude. You know, I'm not right about everything. What if you became a professor to do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, there was a fucking, there was a, like a bisexual dude in there who was white and they were trying to like, oust him. For what? He was bi. Just cause he was white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and it's constant, like, everyone has to show their card, it's like, well I'm actually this, and dudes would try to claim in real time. I'm sorry I'm fucking droning on about this, but I- This is so fucking funny. I'd see dudes in real time during discussions try to claim protected class minority status and get kind of sh- Like there was one dude who was like- As uh- There was one guy who was like, well people don't even know this about me, and it was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the public education, the landscape's changing so quickly right now with like what skills are needed for like the working world. That it's, it's literally, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, no dude, if, if shit really falls down, I mean, if you're gonna be a pregnantess about this, if shit really falls apart, you're gonna need firepower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, so it definitely had on a swivel. So the first thing, the shit you finally found out, it's like dude, the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shoe's dropped, it's a free-for-all. What's your first move?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm forming a coalition, I'm gonna tell a bunch of people saying like, yo, I have a bunch of guns and water in my house, like, you guys are good, and then I have my foot soldiers. Then I'm gonna start saying like, yo, you hit the grocery store, I'll be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, exactly. That's what I'm basically doing. Because I do think the barbarians will be few and far between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the castle. Yeah, we need a castle. So. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yeaah, there's a field near my house, they're about to build apartments on, but I would try to lock that down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you'd be going for arable land, so you'd need weaponry, and then you'd have to go try to find arable land. That's just like, I think that's all you can do, and you defend your arable land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fair point. But, yeah, true. But dude, I'm telling you man, there'd be, there'd be like the, the wickedest barbarians. I think it would take a little bit more for people to get to the point where they start. I mean, I guess it's like bloody Friday Christmas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they'd, I think they would just fall, it would just become like medieval times again where they'd be like, that guy's obviously the boss now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, the idea of the norm arose with statistics. It was, it's a new, it's like a new idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't work out, the many groups of dudes were like, so what, they have guns, who cares? 100 years later they were just like, what the fuck are skyscrapers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, nah, that's it. I mean dude, it's terrifying to just get like encountered by dudes, or just to encounter dudes who have been employing this thing called the scientific method for hundreds of years. It's just such a fucked up alien way of looking at life, but it must be crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. I was researching the crusades recently and they were talking about how these muslim dudes had like this top secret weapon technology which was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, yea dude, it's so funny listening to the technology people were coming up with back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All war was back then where it was just, there was gigantic walls and you'd have to be like, how can we just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's dudes scratching at your walls who are trying to get in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so fucking wild, dude. Also, why, like, I get going, like, to take over the village, why do you gotta rape the wives and kids, man? What the hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean. Look, we're gonna try to hit this one guy if we hit a school. That sucks for sure, but. It used to be like, go fuck the school up. I think it- Fuck that. The fuck is that? Burn all their books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it was like, we're gonna erase this entire- the whole point of it was like, yeaah, we're gonna erase this entire civilization.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the thing that creates the chosen one, and then it's like you have to deal with the chosen one later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea dude, it's uh, I'm doing deep research into the Crusades right now, it's pretty satisfying. But yea, that shit's fucking wild dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think the word check actually is like an arabian word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit man, that sucks. Yeah, that does suck. Sucks they waste all their time in math class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did. Well, you know what, a lot of the stuff when you read about it, it's uh, what happens is there starts to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I guess that's why it's so common in all the shows and stuff. Hey, that's what they say, shirt sleeves and shirt sleeves in three generations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shirt sleeves, google it. Shirt sleeves to shirt sleeves in three generations. What does that mean? Tongue twister. It's saying like you can rise, but within three generations your descendants will be right back down to like the humble beginnings that you once came from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so saying you're just back in your old dungarees and white t-shirt. Yeah. You had the frilly print shirt on and it just, you fumbled the bag. Mhm. You absolutely fumbled it. Like ice cubes, grandchildren.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is measured in mickeys? I'm thinking something to do with aviation. I'm going to try to remote view.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the speed of the computer mouse is like when you're adjusting the speed on your thing, you're turning the mickeys up or down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good fucking question. Damn, we're still 0-0-0. It's actually DPI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what's it feel like though if you buy the gaming mouse for $249?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just like, absolutely murdering everyone in Call of Duty. And you just go, well, this is what it's like to murder everyone with my mouth. Or is it just kinda like, this is what I thought it would be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How far out do you think we are from just like floating gaming pods where you can like stand in a thing that just hovers like six inches off the ground while you're just fucking shhhhththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththththt


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so above you there's gonna be like- You think so? You're gonna yell in a pool? It sounds fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they're also now experimenting with uhm, sound wave extraction psilocybin. So they're gonna, they're making these things now where you can put like, if you want to extract psilocybin and make like a, you know, whatever, like a condensed version of it, you can kind of like distribute easier. They're using now sound wave technology to extract stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which the Egyptians already did. True. Allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came across, I came into, uh, no, I think it was the Egyptians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick that all those guys in, uh, what country was that when we left and they all won the Pepsi fighter jet challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just preference. It was just like, it was never, I was never like, I'd get Coca-Cola and I would drink it and I would go, man, I can't wait for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fresco was actually like, yea, that was an old soda. It was all, it was all 7-Up ginger ale. Motherfucking Barks root beer, god damn. And uh- That was if I was on vacation, I would get a nice root beer. A&Dub. A&Dubby. Muggies. Mugs. That's the only thing I'll break soda out of the glass for, is a fucking Stewart's root beer. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roast beef, some Stewart's root beer. God motherfucking dammit. Yea, we get Stewart's at like Thanksgiving. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might bring some stewies to Thanksgiving and fucking crush one actually now that you say that. Yeaah, that's pretty sick. Showing up with root beer. On ice dude. Get like some sort of advanced cooling technology and busfucking some stewards out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they were like, I was like, I wanna find whatever that shit is, what is it, sarsaparilla? Oh yea. Is that the stuff that makes the root beer taste? I believe you. I was gonna find, like, I was gonna grow sarsaparilla, I wanted to take it to like, farm to table, and everyone was like, just get the fucking extract dude. And I was like, at that point, what's the point of making your own root beer? You don't understand why I'm doing this. That's what I'm saying, yes. I know dude. I'm gonna come back on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother, literally four days ago, talked me off the ledge of a home brew set up. I was like, dude, I think I might have to get a home brew set up. Because I was listening to this book, it's the history of the world in six beverages, and they made beer sound so fucking sick that I was like, why aren't I making one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, there should be a policeman elephant. How nasty is Mission Poll though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, dude, honestly, well, I don't know, because it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I think it's the opposite because it's Mayor fucking Humdinger is the one who's like, he's the one clamping down trying to become like an authoritarian leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking some sort of meat, but I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Nick, Nick DiPaolo was upset because he didn't make it and they didn't communicate to him well enough. He was on Nick's show the day after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, last year. Yeah. But was it good? Was the whole thing good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard from Michael, it sounds like it's a mixture of Woodstock and a comedy show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, this is how long ago it was, it was like, I just saw Jaws 2. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I do a diaper, poetry, it's fucked up, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say diaper poetry? Yea, I do diaper poetry in a diaper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I mean, you know, I mean, I like poetry. I mean, I'm, I'm, you know, I read Shakespeare and I'm an actor and I'm, um, I guess I'm half a fag. Look at the way I'm dressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an Irish, English, Scottish, Norwegian Catholic that played Jews in the 90s because I got braces and my jaw went in and my nose got bigger so that's what they cast me as.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I was, I broke my leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, my career was over. I couldn't, I, I could fake dance. People used to think I could dance. I got cast in Fiddler on the Roof. That was the other role I played. Do you remember the dance? What? Do you remember the dance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I had to do, uh, well I couldn't do the bottle dance. Can we see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would, they would put these shoes on and I walked on and I, and my brother, I did a little bit of my brother, my brother's like the intellectual of the family, I'm whatever. But, uh, and I would do this like geisha walk and they would like, and I was like a ninny, you would call it a nebbish. A ninny? A ninny, we would call it a ninny, but like a nebbish. You would bring him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they wanted me to stay on disability. And all I was doing was drinking. I said, I'm done with my career. I'm not gonna do anything. And I'm partying. It's 1997.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had hated baseball because of the strike the years before and I got back into baseball because the Sammy Sosa Maguire thing. So I'm going and I'm watching the 97 World T- and I'm a regular at the bars and these guys are nice and it was a play school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm with my friend, she's a girl, I'm with her boyfriend, and she comes to bed and says, some girl crying in the bathroom. I said, what? She runs out, and I'm going, what's going on? What happened? In the front of the bar, there were bikers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went out to run out and I, and I said, you know, are you okay? You okay? I'm a, I'm a nice guy. I'm not like anything. And I ran out and I turned around. She rolled down the window and I'm going, what the fuck? I didn't warrant anything. All they did was kiss her. I didn't finger her. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was gonna give me a whirly and I said, fuck it, no, I said, I'm gonna either scratch you, you're gonna bleed. I said, I'm a hundred, I'm 127 pounds. This was the day I became a man. I said, you're gonna bleed. I don't care what happens to me. You're not giving me a whirly. You're gonna bleed. And then he laughed at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fucking my ninja moment where I said, fuck that, that when that friggin' Hulk moment came in, I said, don't, you're not gonna, you're not gonna, I'm gonna cut, I don't care how, it's not a joke. That was my dignity on the line, that was it. That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I think, you know, I, I, I didn't jerk off till I'm like 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I passed the fuck out when I did it. High school bullies. I passed out. Once. New Year's, you know when I, it was the day, I'll tell you this, Colin Quinn's grandmother passed away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and I felt like a good person because I was drunk and I went over to my cousin's house and I went next door and I heard some crazy story that my cousin did and the guy wanted to divert the story and he gave me cocaine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An S&M place with a big parrot in the friggin' cage, and I had to bring the cash to Strew Magazine on 23rd Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't smoke for a week because I ran out and I really wanted to the whole time, but I just didn't have time to get any. And I hated it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? The whole time, I was just like, this sucks, I wish this would be a really great time to smoke a little bit of weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. That was how I know I don't have a problem. I was actually, I was, I was, I knew it was gonna be a couple days before I could re-up, and I was like, I'm gonna test myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How easy can I take it? And very quickly I was just like, I would just prefer to be having access to weed right now. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a decent amount. And, and you're saying odors, uh, transport you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You start like, uh, I've actually been pretty, I've been using my time pretty well, I've been pretty busy every day, I think, I think it's okay if I have a little bit of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to get so high that I feel guilty. As soon as I hit guilt, I'm like, woo, I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel this nice. That's how I know I've nailed it. Perfect. I've smacked into the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I used to sit on the couch and watch TV and now I smoke weed until I have to fight my way out of my own mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts at the bottom of a, a very primitive, like an 8-bit graphics, uh, like skyscraper office looking building and it scrolls up very slowly. And as it goes up, it looks more and more advanced and you're getting higher and higher and it was rising above the other buildings. And then on top of it, it's just me.