[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like you have, so you have this guy Epstein's personable buzzing around like, Oh, come on Island. I'm a billionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't know where the fuck his money comes from. There's no pictures of this guy from before. It seems like he's a CI. Based on the, not like the unavailability of like pictures of information on this guy, it leads people to believe that he's somehow involved in like an intelligence agency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and they think that the thing he was doing was like, bringing high profile politicians and all these people to his island, and then he just grabbed dirt on them, because they were like, yea, we're partying, and they're like, oh, by the way, that chick was 15, bro. And we videoed the whole thing. So here's what we're gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, his airplane was just a, it was just a bed on it. You get on an airplane and you get massages by 16, 15 year old girls. There's a bed and they're just like rockin threesome. And then you're just like, no, you don't know what the fuck, or you know the deal, who knows. But it's basically like, you're on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dogging, like eating a 14 year old's ass, and they're like, running for president, huh bud? Like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucked up, but apparently, uh, when girls are molested, before puberty, it kicks their puberty on earlier. It's fucking crazy to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, I mean, as fucked up as it is, if these girls are getting molested and they're 15, sorry, they're molested at 12, they're gonna look older. Chew on that, dude. How fucked is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I'm just, I'm like, so that's, that's the, that's the one of the theories right now where it's like this dude comes out of nowhere and all of a sudden is managing billionaires money and it's like, you know, they think it was just kind of like a, and that's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have someone else explain it, there's way more little dots to get connected. Again, just a theory. But it's like, people are looking, people really look into this shit and they're like, where's his pictures? Where's this? Also, I'm very, again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always say like, look it up for yourselves. I'm, I'm like, I'm like, I'm Rick Moranis. Just, honey, I shrunk the kid and I'm all the propaganda, dude. I'm just a tiny ant, dude. I can hardly see. So I'm just like trying to creep through the jungle, dude. So yeah, always look it up yourself. Dude, I got in a fucking, it was last night. I went to school and dude, I was in my multiculturalism class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They turned on me, bro. They got you? Whole class turned on me, pretty fucking hard. The whole class got you? Most, well, it's like, it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you're gonna love that, bro. Oh, dude. That was written for you. So fucking good. Your dad's in it and he's called the judge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't handle the fucking judge. The judge is awesome. The judge is my favorite person. So the, uh, oh, so I'm in there and we're doing the, uh, we're doing like the sex and we're doing LGBTQIAA plus thing and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They start talking about the, you know, the different genders and people are doing their same bullshit of like, well, I think it's this and that and it just like turns into the echo chamber stuff. And you know, people are going, I'm sitting there like, oh my god, this is just a waste of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I don't know what ha- I think I- I started reading it and people started hitting me with, uh, like, well, you know, like, biological sex is just this social construction and I'm like, dude, I just- I can't- I can't hear-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand, I'm like, and so, finally I'm like, alright, I've had enough, and then, uh, so I'm like, look, I raise my hand, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I was like, we're, you know, we're moving into this whole like, continuistic future of like, looking at gender and we're deconstructing all these things and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. But like, if you're gonna deconstruct gender and be like, this is just this like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, gender is just a social construct, it's not, don't, why, why are you guys so freaked out about it to like basically heterosexual, cisgender people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, why do you make such a big deal about it? Like, I was saying, like, it's a paradox. Cause you guys are deconstructing it on one level, like, what's the big deal? And then be like, but if you don't get my shit right, you're a fucking bigot and an asshole if you don't memorize the fact that I'm like a boy and a girl at the same time. If you can't conceptualize it, you're obviously a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, so is it a big deal? Is it not? I'm like, it's kind of like, to me it's kind of paradoxical to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have this on the one side, then it's important. It seems kinda like you're just piecing stuff together. And I was like, dude, my whole thing is, is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could sit here and be like, oh yea, no, totally, but I'd be lying. It's like, it doesn't, on a logical level, it doesn't make sense to me. I'm not opposed to it, I just literally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, people started fucking coming at straw man and me to death, being like, well, da-da-da-da. I'm like, yea, I never said that, like, that's not what I'm saying at all. And then they start getting into biological sex, and they're like, biological sex is a social construct, like, which is like a colonial thing that we imposed on other cultures, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The fuck? Dude, it was crazy. And I was like, so why does the moral clock start at the 1600s? First of all, I don't think that's a little convenient and weird. I mean, if you're trying to blame everything on fucking white people, it makes sense to start the moral clock at like, and then 1600s, evil took over the world and it's like, wow dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so then people start hitting me with like, I'm like, well, I hate to break it, I'm like, you guys can be like, you guys can go into like, uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like dual gender stuff, you can have that without having to try to obliterate the idea of biological sex and how that was an organizing principle for our species.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there were societies outside of European colonialistic cultures that like, didn't organize themselves around it. I'm like, Dude, she goes, I wish I could think of one right now, but I can't. I'm like, yea, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that could probably just be some weird archaeological, archaeological theory that they came about. Like, so they dug something up and they're like, oh yea dude, these guys didn't care about like, being straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a hunter-gatherer thing. The dudes would hunt and the girls would gather and they said that typically what-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so much faster than me. It was like apocalypto, the girl just fucking flies past. Yeah, so I'm in there and I'm like, I'm like, dude, you got like, this is good. You guys are like, you know, figuring out a way for people who aren't represented by the binary to like have their own lives. That's fine, but you don't have to try to like deconstruct. You're just doing yourself a disservice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By trying to like, absolutely pull the people's reality rug out from under their feet. I'm like, you don't have to go that far. You can say like, look, you guys have your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was born with a, this is how the one girl explained it to me, which makes sense, like, she's like, you have to think about it, like, yes, there's penises and vaginas, but there's also a differing hormonal profile someone might be born with, so I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fair enough. I actually said it, I'm like, that's actually a good answer. Thank you for not being like a snide, snarky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, cause people would like answer me and be like, did I solve the paradox for you? And I'm like, actually no, that made no sense what you said. Dude, it was a one to one tribunal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, I would say something, someone respond, and I'd be like, yeah, no, sorry. Next person to come, dude, it was so fucking- It was louder with Crowder, basically, dude. Oh, you're Crowder now? I was trying not to be- My whole thing was like, you guys should be able to fucking at least- And I said this as well, I'm like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen people so in equip to deal with divergent thinking. I'm like, you guys, this is insane how bad, the fact that I'm like being like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking like, back when we were like, we were animals at a point. You think like, when we were in an animal state, we were like, well like, since I'm like a guy, I'm probably, it was just like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was literally not a social construct, it was the- No, it was how humans are. It was based off biology and hormones, you know, and it's- I'm like, I'm not even making a thing like, since that's the case, you guys, you guys can have whatever the fuck you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just don't have to tell- I'm like, just for your own sake, it makes you look like you're fucking nuts if you're trying to tell people like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just like a made up thing that like, obviously was invented by white people. It's like, and I was like, dude, that's around the world. Go to fucking Africa and tell them, talk about like, male and women, men and women. You think people in Africa are gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people then, people started coming out and being like, yeaah, you know, I agree with Matt and I appreciate the fact, cause I was like, I started just giving it to people and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I appreciate the fact that you can bring this stuff up and like, I don't know, maybe in our practice, like, imagine you could come across a Trump supporter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, dude, if your worst case scenario of a person you want to meet and like, is a fucking the opposing political party, I'm like, you guys are out of your fucking mind, dude. Crazy. I was like, you've never met anyone worse than the other person on a political aisle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was hitting them with the fact that they're all propagandized. I'm like, you guys are just floating in the wake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have the Trump people getting propagandized, like Mexicans are gonna fucking rape you and kill you, and they're like, holy fuck, and you guys are like, Trump's gonna like, rise the KKK out of the ground and just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone in a fucking detention camp. I'm like these are politicians setting up propaganda to get people so angry to come out and vote and we're just living in the wake of a constant mental warfare of people who want to get to the podium. I'm like don't you guys see this? And they're just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I check their privilege though, dude. I'm like, you don't think it's a privilege to even be able to discuss this stuff? I'm like, dude, if shit hits the chopping block, like food-wise, survivor-wise, this shit, I mean, I was like, if shit hits the fan, like food-wise, survivor-wise, this shit hits the fucking chopping block.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a privilege. I'm like, oh. And the one kid who was really funny, he was like, it's kind of funny seeing other people deal with the fact that they have privilege doesn't really feel good. It was pretty funny. Oh no, it was a blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Feels good, I'm not going to lie dude, it felt good checking the printouts dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, you're dealing with a fucking, I got 1% North African dude, which I did by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see a lot of that, dude. I see a lot of white chicks being like, as a, I mean, it pisses me off. People just assume I'm white. It's like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's being, that's called being white. If someone looks at you, I told you, dude, the test is like, you should have to walk up Lancaster Avenue, I get to walk, you know, I'm like, yo, dude, what's this lady? I'm like, that's a fucking white bitch. I'm like, you're fucking white, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was, it was funny when I was in the class and I would say stuff, and then people would be like, uhm, I mean, like, there's so many things I wanna say, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I smoke weed before that class cause I just, I sit there and I'm like, dude, this is fucking crazy. Like, you guys are like, out of your fucking minds. Just dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be like, I might come across a Trump supporter and I don't know what I would do. Like, just fucking relax.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they, I mean I think I've talked about this before, they talk about like, if there's a, they're like, well, if we have like a black kid there at our practice, like, I don't know if we should like, we should like, really have to like examine that kid's blackness with our whiteness, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just go talk to the guy, man. Don't be weird about it. Honestly, I think that whole thing of like, well we have to respect their blackness, I think it's like a weird abstraction to keep


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, if you're like uncomfortable around black people but obviously it's not cool anymore, you can now be like, well I don't wanna violate their blackness and like just talk to them. You don't wanna talk to black people because you feel weird, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and there was like, dude, it was so funny, and people were like, well, I mean like, I just feel like people get amped up here because this is finally a safe space for like people to be themselves. And I'm like, yea, you know safe spaces are exclusionary, but that's the whole point of it is to exclude people out. That's what a safe space is, it's just a euphemism for like, and I'm like honestly, that's what,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, uh, mainstream culture is technically a safe space for the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a safe space. It's a safe space. But mainstream. Not a concentration camp. So dude, I'm watching this video, we watched a fucking MTV, the T word or some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for a class, watching MTV programming for the class. Oh my god dude. T-word. Obviously, I'm like, uh, excuse me guys, I'm obviously heavily triggered right now. So they have like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, yeah, we finally have a space where it's just like us and we're trans and we can finally just talk and be ourselves. I'm like, that's what mainstream culture is. For the majority. And then when people come up with like, hey, what about us? They're like, okay. So like when I'm in a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The flip of that with a, like a minority safe space bubble in terms of like sexual minorities, everything. I'm like, what about this? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's cool if you guys wanna do that, but it's just like, you're just delaying the inevitable when you go out in the world and you just get fucking absolutely G-shocked by like, differences in opinion. Dude, it was, it was, it was fun. I, I held a core. It was, it was a blast. I was like genuinely like, ramped up about it. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, Jesus Christ. It was, having a room full of people just continue to straw man you. I'm like, well, did you ever think about this? And it's like, I'm, that's not what I said at all. But, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm driving around, I was preparing for this class that I had to go to. And I was thinking about the whole, the whole presupposition that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, does anybody, like, nobody believes that. The whole society was built around every group of people being like, we're obviously the best. Have you asked any group of people? Like, yea, no, we're the best. Even if they were being crushed, like, the Jews being absolutely buttfucked by the Romans, the Jews are still, if you ask them back then, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, that's been the assumption forever that every group has been like, no, we're the best. And like, now they're like, no, no, no, nobody's the best. We're all the same. And everyone's like, alright, I see what you're doing. We're obviously still the fucking best. And every group is doing that. Like, if you ask Asians, like, who's the best? Like, clearly, we're the fucking best. I mean, they technically are the best. Asians are the best? If you look at-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, me personally, if you're, if you're hitting me with like what I like, but if you go with like statistics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're, well they're, uh, cause apparently they do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you have to do is a quick control for a couple other variables and it's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone does that. They try to look at, like, they zoom so far out on research and they're like, white people are the worst. And it's like, well, let's fucking control for this, and like, black people are the worst. It's like, well, control for this. And it's like, oh, obviously, like, if you have education. So they do the same thing with, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck was it? They were saying black- they did a study at Nielsen Ratings about like black, uh, consumer goods and like they buy more like luxury goods. Black people buy the most luxury goods per capita. But then when they controlled white people and saw like did just poor white people? Same fucking numbers, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, to me it is funny how we're all being like, the default is like extreme pressure on being like, no no no, nobody's the best, we're all equal, and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking like how many people in their heart of hearts are actually like... Like I don't really ever get hung up on that, but I'm laughing being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, any nationality, ethnicity, anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't be like, we're obviously the best. Except sports, I guess, are that like, when you win, you're like, told you. Told you we're the fucking best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a vacation. Well, if you live there, you have to be like, obviously this is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good, it's a good place to like, build up a good divorce. Jersey's good for a good divorce state. Oh yea dude. That's a good place. It's good to just like, just let a marriage fucking, to collapse. Just fizzle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that was buggy, I was driving, I was so high thinking about now how like we can't be the best, like nobody can be the best anymore, and I'm like dude, does anyone believe that they're not the best?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well my thing is it's not even white guys, it's a select group of billionaires who are propagandizing everyone and be like, well it's white people who are obviously fucking attacking you. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, some will say they're not white because they're Jewish, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. We have some black listeners, dude. Yeah, I know. They love you. What are you talking about? They love me? They said you're low-key racist, like Shane's low-key racist, dude. We love him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly dude, and this is my thing, and this is what I tr- I mean I can't even express this to the class. I try to bring it up as much as I can. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've wanted to literally just like stop and be like, look, I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm just trying to like ask you this question. Are you doing that on purpose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause in some level it's kinda be satisfying to see a white guy in a rush and he's like pshhh in his fucking slow roll. They do it to everyone dude. It's not about race. They do it to each other all day. Cause if someone honks at me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I immediately fuck and I'm like fuck you then and I slow down. So if there's a psychological thing of like, you think you're controlling me, check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in my Uber today. The guy driving, dude, he was like as European.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean a part of me is like, dork. No dude, I uh, I've been noticing like, so there's different ethnicities hurry differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like an Asian in a hurry, I've said it before, Asian in a hurry is just like grabs two shots, the backpack, head down and fucking run across the street. White guys like, I'll see you and be like, it's my civic duty to give a little jog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll see a black dude, when a black dude does jog across the street, it's very like, it's very stretched out. It's like far...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very Pink Panther-ish. It's like, you stretch the leg. It's very like, it looks cool. It's still like, well, I'm a nerd for crossing the street, but I'm gonna like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lancaster Avenue should have one of those things that's like, you ever see the, uh, it's like duck crossing. It should just be like an old dude in a Jeff cap just like walking super slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like I crossed that, it's a madhouse dude. Lancaster Ave is like, it's like people park where they shouldn't. So you have to go around them, then the guys walk across the street. It's literally, it's Paperboy dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's indefensible. It's indefensible. If I were to sit here and be like, Shane, you're being wrong. I've driven on it enough where I'm like, God damn it, dude. It's like, it's insane. Indefensible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm guilty of no TS dude. God damn. Dude, we're in an Uber today. It was me and my bae. And the guy dude is as like Eastern European. It's like, you ever see dudes who are like super, they're like European, but they're like also super tan. So they're from some like weird sect of Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were like orthodox Christianity of like a guy, dude he had fucking cut sleeve Andrew Dice Clay driving gloves on and then he hit his thing hanging, it was just three dangling crosses and then like this like something I couldn't even try to transcribe, it was like Sanskrit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like a weird, like, Christian from like, nether realm of Europe. And uh, dude, fucking, we're driving home with Brittany, and it's like, these two black chicks cross the street, slow walk, I'm just in the middle of a car, and then look at him like, how dare you, basically like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rush us. They came out in the middle, the guy that hit the brakes, and then they looked at him like, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, the guy just goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dude definitely just said something horrible in whatever language he said. He had to literally decompress. He had to like completely exhale racism, dude. He went...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Brittany obviously starts laughing, she was just like, I can't believe about, cause there's a whole other like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a whole other sect of being black that's like you see other black people doing this kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you're just like, sorry, sorry, like you're like, like you get pissed cause you're like, come on guys, what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The honky off? Oh, yes. How about that, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will she try to activate her, like, minority code, being like, she's from Minority Report, where she's like, I can say kinda mean stuff to little black kids, cause I'm Jewish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woman attack on a pack of 14 year old black kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was, it wasn't scumbag, it was like, it was something that was tough. She hit him, it was tough for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking douche, not douchebags, it was a one word thing. Not scoundrels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lady's like, you can't call them pieces of shit. They're kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't call them pieces of shit. Their kids, like, well they can't touch me. And then like little kids like, shut up, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Godzilla vs. Mechadon, dude. That was, man. Dude, but she, then they got to the end, and then the little, she was like, I can say it, they had no right to touch me, and then the one girl being like, I could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You little asshole. It wasn't assholes. Whatever, I won't remember. I won't, I won't, I won't keep holding up on this, but the term was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was going, she was steaming, dude. She stood there and kept having it out like, well, I'll call the cops and it was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have little kids come fuck with me, and it's just like, oh, if you're just like, uh, you just fuck with them back, they instantly just start laughing and like walk away. There was a little girl, actually kind of funny, there was little girls in my neighborhood,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I had been, I had been getting into beefs with that household a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my thing was like, I, I like, dude, I get this, I, I understand this like as, you know, as a weird dynamic, I'm like telling you to move your car, but like, it would just be a big help because I'm in a rush and I'm late, and if you could just pull right there, it'd only add like two feet to you carrying groceries, and every, the rest of the world can continue. The streets open? Yeah, it's like, you know, dude, she was like, walks away, and I'm like, alright man, so I told her, people are just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people behind me, so I'm like, you know, we're all, we're all backing up. All four of us are gonna reverse out into fucking 35 mile per hour traffic now on the 33rd street. So you know, we're backing up and then that's when the little kids came after me. So the beef had been started already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice piece, get that piece of shit car out of here, da da da da. Little kids start talking shit to me. That's, you know, I'm not proud. I'm calling them fags the fuck is true. I was like, nice play, you fags, and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to just like, you just have to run. We have to eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so there was little girls who saw Britney. Britney is like small, looks kinda young. They started trying to bully her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they thought, apparently there's a thing called a one-on-one, one-on-one. If like you're in so much trouble in school, you go home and you're called a one-on-one where a teacher comes and like homeschools you.


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[Assistant] Brittany was getting bullied at first, like, they were attempting to bully her, a neighborhood girl was like ringing the door, I'm like, fuck you slut. So she came out and chased after them, and she was like,


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[Assistant] So then she got her, she, Britney ran after him and got her brother and she was like, what the fuck? And she's like, we thought you were a one on one. No, no, no. She's like, I'm fucking like 28. Like, oh shit, my bad. We just want to see what you're up to. We thought you were like really bad or something. She's like, no, I'm not in high, I'm not in fucking like early high school, grade school.


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[Assistant] So then they came up, now they come up and always ask for us. They come up and try to fuck with me and it's just like...


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[Assistant] Well yeaah, it was funny, they tried to bully her, and they were like, slut, and it was like random. It was, dude, I had people- I mean, that's sick. I'll get ding-bong doorbelled every now and again, it's pretty funny. What do you call it? Ding-bong, ding-dong doorbell, dude. What'd you think I called it? Nothing. Ding-dong.


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[Assistant] Oh, there's dude, there's a, I used to work with guys and there was a thing called, uh, an end head in brick laying. It's like brick, brick, brick, brick. And then you put two bricks facing in and the guy was like, yeah, just chuck it right up at that. Bam and hit it with.


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[Assistant] So is bro a foo? Who's a foo? Yea. What a foo. Is that what the foo fighters are named after? Yes. They go out and fight lads.


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[Assistant] If I catch Everlong on the radio, I'm like, great. I'll listen to that. I'm like, it's like Incubus. They were like proto-Incubus. Foo Fighters were like proto-Incubus. If you like, if you like acoustic foo, you're definitely digging on Drive.


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[Assistant] 311, there was nothing that slapped as hard as, well with the blue album, I just skateboarded down my basement to the blue album. You catch 311 music, fucking slaps, dude. But I try to listen to it now, I'm like, I can't dude, like I still like being...


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[Assistant] Literal, like when they- I know! When the Buddhists describe like attaining nirvana, just hit me with 311 at 12 years old and give me an alien workshop and I could just sit there, I was in a pure flow state of like absolute bliss.


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[Assistant] Song about making out, dude, I was just like, fuck yeah, dude, this is so relevant to me right now.


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[Assistant] I was, I was like, I did a whole gym day where I was down in the gym trying to listen to like 311 and get pumped on it. And I was like walking around trying so hard not to rap along with all my stuff. For some reason, bus arrives.


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[Assistant] Especially being that close to Busta Rhymes of all people, I feel like I'd be like, woah dude.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think, I might be shazaming him, I know he was there the one time.


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[Assistant] That was like a, like a real pride point. That was like the first thing, I was like, I'm pretty good at this. Nice. Naming radio songs. Now I don't know if I'd be as good, but...


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[Assistant] I was talking about that dude earlier who was doing all the trauma studies where I heard that stat about the, uh,


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[Assistant] Which I'm gonna call it, like, people being molested, like maturing sexually earlier.


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[Assistant] I find it surprising this guy was in here sexually harassing people. Just like, this guy wrote like, just this volumous fucking book about like...


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[Assistant] Helping people get over like traumatic experiences. Apparently he was just like a ball breaker. Like he expected like, excellent. He's hanging out with fucking like...


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[Assistant] Go ahead. He's like, we need to do better on X, Y, and Z. So, you know, so this, this thing's doing well. It's, so basically what happened was he had to get, uhm,


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[Assistant] Or, this is what he says, we're like, yeah dude, we're gonna take that 2.5 million, and we're gonna do what we want with it. And he was like, get the fuck out of here. No, like, I raised this, you guys are just gonna use it on the wrong, cause they'll like, and those non-profits, they fucking leech that money, it's crazy.


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[Assistant] So he kinda spoke up and was like, no. So then he goes, I wake up to basically a notification saying that I've been, there's been allegations of me


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[Assistant] Bullying and harassing female employees. They're like, we're not going to tell you who it was or to what extent you were harassing, whether it was sexual or not, but you're forced to resign immediately from the thing that you started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, get the fuck out of here. So he was like, yeah, dude, they just took a bunch of money off me. And then he had a bunch of people he worked with write letters and testimonials and be like, this is bullshit. He could, he could be like tough at times, but it's like, we're in a, we're in like a high paced medical environment dealing with probably the toughest population you can deal with.


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[Assistant] Imagine propelling your daughter into puberty because you touched her vagina.


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[Assistant] Uh, apparently afterwards he like got jacked, started taking steroids and was just, he like, this dude was just, Constantly, like, so this happens to you when you're six, and then like, you'll just be going about the day and you'll get like, you'll get like a real weird feeling in your bird, you're like, oh, what the fuck was that? And you're like, oh god, and you'll feel like real weird and like perilous, and you're like, and it just goes away. So you don't, you don't have like a real coherent memory of it. You just have, your memory's been fragmented into this thing where like,


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[Assistant] Like the girl, like he was saying like he was with his girlfriend and they had sex, and she basically said like, I'm gonna finger you next time, and apparently he was like, you fucking never, I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking crazy, and every time you're in a church, you're just like, you go into like a weird PTSD panic where you're like, dude the same thing happened with people, did you ever hear of uh, anesthesia awareness?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that get the wrong anesthesia and they're awake and you just feel people cutting you open and like digging around in your stomach and like talking. That's, that was like something they talk about. Shit's fucking crazy. But yea, this guy started a center to deal with like basically stuff like that. And uh, they me tooed him. They me tooed him on, on bullying dude. And like dude, if you're in any work environment,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being a boss based, I don't know, that to me was just like, holy fuck man. Cause I'm reading this book and the guy sent it to me being like, oh by the way, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's been in trouble, there's been allegations, I'm obviously promoting what this guy does, I don't know, but the book's really good, so. I was like, I right away went to email, I'm like, bro, I looked into it, it's fucking bullshit, but I'm like, I'll wait till I meet this guy in person.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, it's fucking wild. Oh, but the, the stuff they talked about with the, uhm, so with like people being like PTSD traumatized to where like they, it happened to the point where it was so horrific that the memory becomes like inaccessible.


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[Assistant] Would you, would you ever learn about the thing where all the shell shock vets, they were like, alright, we're gonna give you guys, it was like a dollar a day that you served as a pension, like we're gonna give it to you guys, and then the economy entered like a downturn, the great depression, and they were like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not gonna give it to you guys yet, just chill. And all the vets were like, dude, we're fucked. So they sat on the, they occupied the White House.


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[Assistant] At the time, the, oh what the fuck was it, the, whoever the highest up, like the captain of the Washington DC police was Dwight D. Eisenhower. And then General Patton was in the army.


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[Assistant] Those guys combine forces and attack the troops in Ubervilles and then they like became president and like the ultimate generals, dude.


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[Assistant] And then those guys, those uh, veterans of World War I never got those pensions.


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[Assistant] They fucking tear gassed him, like, get the fuck out of here, dude. We're all fucked up right now. Boohoo. Dude. Uh, shell shot.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Well apparently they're saying it's from the memory. Naughty. So they haven't codified the memory and language yet. So they're, they're, uh, like their nervous system's just activated, like really activated. They don't really know why and they're just buzzing around and then they'll see like a cue or something that reminds them of it and they just go, uuuh, and they freak the fuck out because they kind of don't know what's going on.


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[Assistant] Wasn't he like helping the troops? That was a talking cure. They started doing, they started giving them the ability to put their traumatic event into words and then build a narrative that they could be like, oh, this is what happened to me and apparently that helps.


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[Assistant] Cause it's, uh. Hustle you said? Yea, you gotta hustle. How? Whatever, whatever needs, you know, whatever, whatever the situation needs, just fucking hustle and get it done. Right? Cause it's like, he's right man. It's, it's brutal. Yeaah. And like, Ansley, my wife is a pleasant human being. Yeaah. You know, like we, we get along all the time.


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[Assistant] There were, there were, there were sometimes when she was pregnant when I was just like, nobody would even bat an eye if I left her.


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[Assistant] You, you gotta, you're dealing with- I guess I'm a dickhead. No, you're not, but you know, you gotta appreciate the circumstances you're in, right? Because you're dealing with woman brain, right? Sure. And then pregnant woman brain, right? But not done yet. Jesus. And then you have what society says are the expectations that a pregnant woman is allowed to have, right? So you're dealing with-


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[Assistant] They literally think that they are actively developing a child in them. True. You know, like they don't think that this is a passive process that is a biological thing that is happening in them. They think like, I'm doing this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, I'm for, I'm forging this. So like when you're like, you're not doing anything, it's like, mothafucka, I'm forging a base.


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[Assistant] Well they, Ansley had, uh, she, you know, she kids, you know, she works in the engineering field. So she's with, like, construction dudes all the time. So when she was pregnant, you know, like, fucking construction dudes, they don't know how to be around a woman. Just like, she's pregnant, just like fucking cater to her. You know, so she was like living a blissful work life.


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[Assistant] It does, but you can write it all down. You know what I mean? Write it all down and then like when she's not pregnant anymore and she complains about the stuff you don't do. Like, this is, this is the shit I did. This is what I put up with.


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[Assistant] Freak, dude. Women hate evidence. True. Women hate it. Dude, it's like, it's like garlic to a vampire with them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I had two, I had two pregnancies. So I had, uh, I, the second time around, I was like, you know what, like, let me, let me see.


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[Assistant] Let me see, if I cater to this, let me see what happens if I cater. Cause it was, I didn't know if I was causing a lot of my own friction.


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[Assistant] Like I get it, you're pregnant, but all of a sudden you're not a high level athlete anymore? Like you can't get up and do, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't get what just happened.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're arguing in there. Yeah. They're not. They were not getting along and they had two women in that type of space for nine months. Oh man. Yeah, not even close. But no, the first, cause the first time around I was a little, I was combative. I mean I'm not gonna, it's like I can't, in my mind it's like I can't let you think that this is what it's gonna be like forever.


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[Assistant] Definitely, cause it's like even if, just like I'm not trying to fuck your chick, I definitely am gonna flirt with her. Leave.


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[Assistant] I don't know where I heard this. I heard this somewhere recently where it was like, uh, like men are easy to get, hard to keep. Women are hard to get, easy to keep.


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[Assistant] Wow, who hit you? What Sage hit you with that? Dude, I don't know what it was and I need to give credit to that person. Fuuuck. Cause like when I heard that, that was like some high level player shit.


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[Assistant] When we, when we met, like, I mean, I don't know what it was, like, I really liked her right away. And I was like, I was fucking a lot of chicks. You know, like, I'm not even, you know, just like, I'm being objective, like, let's, this is like, for journalistic integrity, like, I was fucking way too many chicks that I should have been fucking. It was like ridiculous. But when I met her, I really, really liked her. And it was, uh, I wouldn't let her do any of that cool chick shit. It was like, no, don't, we're not talking about that.


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[Assistant] And the female ego 100% dominates the world, right? Because if like, what are dudes out there, what are their egos really conquesting for?


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[Assistant] So, one of the reasons I really liked Ainsley when we first met is you could just tell, like,


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[Assistant] There's a large segment of the female population, just overall, that they do want to...


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[Assistant] I mean, like women don't like restrictions. Women don't like, uh,


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[Assistant] I mean accountability is what it essentially is, right? But accountability to anything. Women don't want to have to eat healthy. True. It's annoying. So it's, you know, all women and then once they are no longer, once they're like eating whatever they want, like all the fucking restriction that they did all that time, all the angst that they have, they're like, yeah, now I'm going to take it out on people.


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[Assistant] You know, I'm healthy. My wife, we're healthy people, and...


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[Assistant] Man, that girl eats so much mayonnaise and butter.


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[Assistant] Ah, but we'll, you know, she'll have a sweet treat here and there. Like, a lot of stuff isn't bad for you unless you start adding sugar to it. That's true, that's too true.


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[Assistant] That's a, that's, that is a black diet, beef and cookies.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a fraternity. It is, dude. It is, it's weird. Cause like, no matter what, no matter where you're in that fraternity,


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[Assistant] Shared experiences. Yes. Like we know what this is.


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[Assistant] Once you're an actual parent, when you're about to be parent, people treat you a lot.


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[Assistant] It's gotta suck. They hate you too. They hate you. They hate you. It's like...


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[Assistant] Because you, you allow those kids to be shitty. Yeaah. You know, and you, like for, for me, maybe I'm just speaking, maybe I'm just speaking for me, but when I see people with shitty kids, I fucking hate those parents. I know how hard it is, how much work it takes to have kids that are not shitty. Yeaah. And how much of a lifestyle, how much, how important.


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[Assistant] You have to address other people's shitty kids to your kids. All the time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because you gotta be like, look, I know you're friends with this.


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[Assistant] But they're not- you don't get to do that. That's not how our house works. Damn. Right? So it's like-


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[Assistant] You know, like, listen, I get it, I get it, some moms, when their kids fall, they let their kids have like a cry portion.


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[Assistant] You know, like, no, let's assess this. Get up. Assess the situation. Where are you hurt? Are you limping? Can you move? Can you still play? Then do that.


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[Assistant] I mean, cause that's what kids are doing anyway. I mean, you remember that. You're like building your personality off of all the fun shit you see other people and kids doing. So, yea, I'm definitely gonna try this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My son, my son almost got arrested recently. For what? So him and uh, he went to the playground, uh, on a play date.


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[Assistant] Well, no, he got, he got the cops called on him. So, he was, uh, they went on a play date, they were at a park.


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[Assistant] I agree with it. Let me just tell you that. I agree with what happened. So, him and his friend wandered off, and my wife was with her mom and my daughters. And like, they're both seven. They're boys, they get a little bit of a longer leash, you know. We're free-range parents, I'm just putting that out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they wander off and like, he, like the other kid doesn't get that kind of freedom. Finn does. So the moment they got that kind of freedom, he started, he wanted to do crazy shit.


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[Assistant] And of course, I can't let my son know that I know that it was this kid's fault. I'm telling my son, like, listen, when this type of shit goes down, you're an accomplice. You're part of the crime. You're a criminal too. Right? So, but, uh, so he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Decided that they would go to where the cars were leaving this park.


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[Assistant] And tell people, cause there was a stop sign, windows are down, it's a beautiful day, and tell people that they were poor and needed money.


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[Assistant] You know, you know, my son was like, Finn was like, I didn't want to do it. Yeah. You know. How much did they get? Two bucks. Okay.


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[Assistant] Dollar each? Well, it is a dollar each, right? Yeah. So when they went back to, uh, when they went back to their parents and told them what was happening,


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[Assistant] Uh, his mom was like, oh, you can't be doing that, you know, give me, you know, and took the two dollars. What? Yeah. And it's like, I get it, like, there's a lesson to be learned here about- A dollar.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she did. She did. Oh my god. What kind of street were they panhandling on? It was, it was the parking lot of a park. So it was as people were leaving a park. But the street, it was, you know, it was like in a nice neighborhood. It's pretty funny though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, dude, it's like, yeah, cause he, you know, that other kid would have gotten into a car. For sure. It's like, well, I can give you $2 now, but if you get in my car... You guys would have more than $2.


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[Assistant] Well, his, his, uh, so the reason I gotta be careful not to use his mom is running for, uh, like a political office.


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[Assistant] I get it, this is your life, but he's a child.


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[Assistant] You know, you can't, you shouldn't encourage him to do that now.


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[Assistant] It's, yeah, so that's why. Damn, so he was out basically canvassing.


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[Assistant] He started, uh, hiding his clothes. He was like, he saw the cops going over asking different parents questions. And he must have, maybe he heard the description, but like he started trying, like he got in a low squat and he was like hiding his shirt and he's like covering it with his arms and his knees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was, uh, and she goes up to, uh, my wife and she goes, uh, yeah, have you seen a couple kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, one of them's wearing a bright orange shirt, and she's like, like THAT bright orange shirt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you guys weren't that far. They, no, well, uh, he tried, he was like, he, he said he was, so I talked, uh, you know, you'll have the, the, let mom deal with it, then come deal with that, tell me the truth, as long as you tell me the truth, and after this, we can, we can talk shop, right? So we're talking about it, and uhm, he was going to run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but so, it was, it made more sense, he said, to like, hide behind the equipment, because if he would've ran, she would've seen his bright orange shirt.


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[Assistant] So, I'm like, dude, you fucking thought that out. You know what I mean? It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah, that was the right thing to do, like you probably should have gotten on a slide or in a tunnel or something, but you know what I mean? I fucks with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that jump was so much less graceful than you thought it was.


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[Assistant] Dude, it would have been crazier if you would have just slipped into the crowd undetected. Like if they wouldn't have. You know what I mean? If you would have just like pencil dove your feet into the crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you're seeing this as, I see this as a win. It was a win, it was a huge win. Like in that moment, like you said, in that, with no resources, no shoes.


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[Assistant] That's uh, I mean I have, I have ways that I steal, but I do it at Whole Foods.


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[Assistant] Dude, I put like, max of ribs down there. It's like- Oh, the meat's a big score. I get away with it. Dude, so-


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[Assistant] So what I do is I pay for all my stuff and then I'm leaving and then like I wait till the next, like I go slow because I usually have my kids with me. So I like go slow and then once the other customer starts getting rung, I go, oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, but I got kind of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't make a big deal out of it because I don't want the other customer to know what just happened.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, I, you know, like I'm point down to the bottom and.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, see and that's what I, so my thing is, so I've never been a good thief because I just don't have the confidence for it. Yeaah. Like I stole one time, uh, remember when like those tiny keychain super soakers were popular? Yes. I stole one of those from Brad, like dude I, see I, I used to do sleight of hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used, it was like, it was one of the sick, I stole it right, and that was, that was like when I developed my, I do it right in front of, so I stole it literally right in front of the worker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's still assodifilous. Yeah, you got it, man. I ended up, uh, I, so, I had that super soaker for like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my uncle, my uncle Greek, right, and like he's, Jimmy is his real name, James, but he's uhm, he's, he is a, uh, is a retarded man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, uh, real good at sports too. Like he was, yeah, exactly. Super strong dude. He was like football and uh, wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. He was, yea, he was a fullback. Perfect. And then he was a, he was a wrestler, but he, he did, he was strong, but he would get up against people that were like way more skilled than him. Sure. And wrestling is one of those things where like, this, this skill, you, it comes to a level, like where your strength doesn't matter anymore. So, uh, you know, so he, he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't all start the world, dawg. But uh, so he got caught stealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he just put the whole thing in his mouth and swallowed it. Fuuuck. And, uh, so somebody, uh... So what happens then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta pick the right sister, cuz his mo- my- my fucking- Shit. My- so you know like my-


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[Assistant] So and then my dad is like this legendary like golden gloves boxer kind of thing. So it's, it's uhm, the women in my family.


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[Assistant] Uh, like carried the legacy way further than the men because yea, the men would fight in the street and stuff, but like most of the legacy from the, the, the men, like my uncle that I'm named after is like a state champion in wrestling. So like, you know, he was like more official, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is where he was living at the time. It was like walking distance from the Walmart.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was crazy. So she would go, like, and she would, uh, so my mom would, I, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only saw a few of those fights. Like those fights. I've seen my mom get another like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, yeaah. And like, I saw plenty of those fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, with those fights, it was like, once the fight was on, they were like, I had no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was gonna be this. And it was like, people, they were like, okay, I'm- Stop. Yes, please. Stop. Please. And then, but with the, uh, the, I guess the more sanctioned fights. Yeah. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean my mom was the most confident woman


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[Assistant] Dude, my mom would, my mom would beat people up and then talk shit at them forever. Damn. She would break people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's perfect, that's perfect. Although she was like, she was, like, since, like, uh, Well the way she would talk trash, she was closer to, uh, Smokey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as like she would see you wilt a little bit, it was like, it's on. Like now she picks it up. And like she was a, uh, my mom was also a state champion in the 100 meter dash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I saw some shit, man. It's like, yeaah. She taught me how to box. She taught me how to box, and that's probably why I had an inversion to fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's like, she had me out, so she would take me out front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with boxing gloves, and we'd be boxing and stuff. And then like, you know, people knew about my mom fighting, so like, she was a crowd of develop, of like, peers and stuff. So then, my mom would make me box the kids that were watching to like, work on the shit we just went over. And she'd never put me with somebody my age. It was like, always older kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well see, I was like, I was more of a runner than my mom would have liked me to be. You know what I mean? I was like, really afraid to get hit. You know what I mean? I didn't want to get hit. And like, she was like, you know, get over there. You know, like, trying to like, make me. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how Judo came in. We had to have a sit down talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, listen, I need to learn something else, I can't fight this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she thought that I was like, she thought that it was like me trying to avoid fighting. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was like, you know, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, 100%, but my mom fights outside of her weight class, so she fights big, bigger chicks. Ah, man. So, to have bigger kids, you know what I mean? It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The moms of the kids who everybody in the neighborhood is afraid of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would've loved that. Because I was like the only one of my cousins that was living in those project housing developments. So I was developing a different way than they were. They were soft as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, even the older kids outside of that isolated neighborhood community?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just look different to me. I was a feral kid to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So even, I would have had no problem with some of those softer older kids, but these are like, I'm now fighting against, you know, older kids who are forged in this fucking environment. Are you kidding me? Who got like three years, three years more of whatever the fuck this is on me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never even took a clean shot from one of these dudes, but I'll never forget this, man. It's uhm, ah, who the fuck, uh, I think it's Gilbert? Dude, he took a swing at me, and I got just out of the way, but I felt the wind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it was like? It was like the wind pushed me back a little bit. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. But she didn't, she didn't even know what judo was. She thought judo was karate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she, she even told people that I did karate. She thought, so she thought karate was gay. She just thought all of that. Yeah, exactly. It was nerd stuff. And once MMA came around, it kind of showed like karate was kind of gay. You know what I mean? That was kind of the test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also what Steven Seagal does in his movies. I saw him, yea, he does Keto. He does a Keto. So it's, uh, it can be a brutal, it can be a brutal art, but it's supposed to be the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The striking answer, the striking version of judo. So judo is like the, you know, like the reversing your momentum and like taking you down. And so it's like all of those principles in striking. So it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they, they find their, they find their thing that gets them off, you know? Like everybody has a thing. Everybody has like a go-to thing. That was, that was a funny thing to see growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The different kids that had their, like if something goes down, I'll just do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, how, even though, cause you're instilling values in kids as, as you're, you're growing up, but they're also seeing people like alive, not living up to those values and ideals that you're instilling in them, so it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They start to like a la carte this shit, you know what I mean? It's like, well I don't have to, I don't have to not steal. I just have to not get caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So, it's, uh, shit I lost my train of thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, if that's your thing when you get out there, you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we haven't been able to define consciousness, can we really say that a worm is an experience in it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like birds figure out some shit, man. That's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really interesting how, how we try to say that different things don't experience consciousness, but then we see these animal, like these creatures, these lower level creatures, they figure shit out in their environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't even have like a working definition for consciousness in this conversation, but if you have, uh, if you have a problem and you come up with a solution,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somewhere between there, there was consciousness, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like not necessarily at point A, not necessarily at point B, but in between.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the book I have on that is called The Secret History of the World. Oh really? Yeah. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you gotta like show up with like a lotus tile or some shit. Yeaah, dude. You know, so you didn't have, you didn't ask the right way. You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so wait, I mean are you- It's like eight pages. What is the, uh, what is your s- I'm not asking you the name of your source, but what is your source's, uh, level of credibility in this regard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, your ex-wife was pretty mean, and she seemed nice at the time. You know what I mean? Which is like, that seemed dangerous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't help that, Swann. No, no, wait, yeah, me and, me and Hansley, I mean, it's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have female, I have female friends, but I don't make female friends. You know what I mean? I'm not like out there, and I'm not, I don't know, I don't do that like hang out with a bunch of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, a girl tried to put me in that friend space in college one time, and she went to a school in Penn State, uh, or she went to Penn State, I don't know, I think it was main campus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was going to Lafayette, so we were like four hours away from each other. She came to visit. We met working at a telemarketing company that summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She came to visit and I had a futon and I had a lofted bunk bed in a single.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I offered to sleep, oh shit, I offered to sleep in my lofted single and she could have the whole entire food time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She insisted that I sleep in the futon with her. Right? And it's like, yeah, I made a move. Of course. You know, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I thought you were trying to do a friend thing, but okay, I'll come in the bed with you. You know? And then, like I made a move and she was like, no, no, no. And I didn't do anything. And then I was just sitting there with a fucking rock hard voter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I just, I fuckin' texted one of the chicks I was fuckin', got up and was like, I'll be right back. Ooh. I left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women want to hang around a tiger that doesn't want to eat him. Yeaah. You know what I mean? So it's like, like one of the things, or even like in a relationship, like a woman wants


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A woman wants to be with a tiger, she wants a killer, that doesn't kill. You know, so it's like, they want a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's much more of a, it's much more coveted for them to control, like, a guy like you, than, you know, like, fucking Aaron Nevins or, you know, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, you're a win for them. You're, you're, you're a masculine, like, like, don't, don't tread on me tattooed on you somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I found, so I was, I was, yeah, it's like you can, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was easier, I just learned how to be honest, right? Because it's like, you dedicate your life to loyalty, but if you're not being honest, then you can't truly be loyal, because you're always gonna, because if I, if I feel like I can't, especially early on when it was like, so we were together for, so we've been together for like 20 years, right? And so for like the first six years, we were young. And, you know, I didn't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Know anything about being in a relationship? You know, I was still cheating and shit. So, but when we decided, okay, the dumb shit's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's put it all on the table. For a little while, I had to be honest about like, you know, like, so a girl today, typically I would've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like she was giving me, you know, wasn't, wasn't easy. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it was like, and, you know, she wanted to f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, what you can do now is be like, man, there was a woman at a place that would not leave me alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I get it, I'm in shape, but like, let my arm go for a second, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I, I tell her. I, I let, I let Angie know. It's like, I let you know any, anytime a chick comes on to me, she hears about it. That's good. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, I don't want to know every time a guy comes on to you, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all we talk about. Let's talk about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, just living life. Uh, I think, uh, you know, uh, a lot of people probably already know I podcast two Jack bros. You're always welcome to come aboard and, and, you know, like I said, I'm always thankful for all the people that have come. It's like, dude, it changed my podcast life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me say this for you guys too. Like, not only is the ship strong, but now is a good time for you to get your friends on the ship, and then they'll be thanking you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, but yea, guys, relax. Like as a fan, it's like, it's weird because I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fan as well, like I never talk to you guys about this, but like I'm a fan, but we're also like pretty close. So it's like, you know, I, when the, when the fucking episodes are disappearing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, my bad, y'all. Yo, dude. Nah, it's, uh. What the fuck? Dude, what happened, man? What the fuck just happened? The cast fucking lives! Dude, the cast was too hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gah, I mean where do you, where do you even, where do you start on this thing? There's a lot we need to unpack here. True. Matthew, there's a lot we need to unpack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brass tacks. Yeah, walk me through it, dude. So what was it like, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny because all year, like, everything's gone well. Sure. I got fucking Comedy Central, JFL, SNL. All this year. Comedy Central.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cast is out there, but I didn't get anything that, uh, like, theater dorks wanted. Sure. As soon as I got what the theater kids want, oh baby, they come at you. Yeaah, it's almost like they're hiding in the bushes. The theater kids? Yeaah, they're just like waiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then it's like, uh, what was funny the whole time is like, I wanted to defend that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time. Like it's so hard to fucking bite your tongue. Yeah. And just be like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not funny, I'm a racist, sure. Yeah. Okay, yeah. And it's like, dude, I, there's been times where I've wanted to defend the clip. And then it's like, well then that opens the door, cause now I have to defend everything. Cause, so right when I got in trouble,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were like, you need to apologize. You need to apologize hard. And I was like, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was rock hard. Every apology I wrote, I was erect. Fully erect, dude. No, this, uh, I'm so fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, if I apologize for that, an hour later, another theater kid's gonna dig up, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is what he said about this? It's like dude, so yea, I mean obviously I wanted to say sorry to anybody that was actually offended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First off, I don't think anybody that wrote any article or anything like that was remotely offended. I don't think, I don't think a lot of people are offended by anything. I think they like to be victims.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based on the DMs and emails I got, I think some people were upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were like, fuck you. Some people were pretty upset. They hit you up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nonstop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Death threats. Uh, which is funny cause every time, cause like to, you gotta, to get through this you gotta fuckin' joke. Sure. Like the only way you can get, like if I took this seriously for a second. A national scandal? Of course. I'd be devastated. If I, if I sat back for one second and was like, oh man, like that would fuckin' blow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should butt wire. Dude, if I ever get on SNL, I will butt wire. I'll be like live from my mouth, this fucking gun. Uh, but yeah, already I'm like, Jesus Christ, how many quotes have already been taken out of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew this was coming. From the start. Uh, the funny thing is, like anytime I would get a death threat or something, like I'd be walking down the street and just get an alert and read it and it'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you, you fat racist piece of shit. I'm glad your career's over, you fucking garbage human. I hope everyone dies that you know. I would just be like, well, that's not exactly what I would call constructive criticism. Just laugh to myself and keep walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He keeps saying Pollock. So I will have to like re- like retreat as to who I can be racist against. For sure. I'm just gonna double down on the Pollock. That's what this is dude. And the Italians, they're coming. I'm getting them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the email list. So I saw his name and then I saw what he was typing and it made me laugh. And he was like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he's the whole thing of like, I hope everybody you know dies. If you have a wife, I hope she gets raped in front of you. If you don't, if your parents aren't dead, I hope they die slowly and then burn in hell. Like all this stuff. And he was like, these are just jokes. Do you think this is funny? And I was honestly by myself laughing like, yeah, dude, pretty funny. This is hilarious. This is hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, oh, that's another thing. That's another thing. I know you're right. I need very clear. I'm not protesting any of this. Every decision anybody's made, I've been like, yep, I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, you're fired. I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. Now, then it's like, do I wanna go back and defend that clip? I mean, yeah. I do, but I know it's a waste of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not to be like, yo, that was hilarious. Cause it wasn't that funny. I mean, we were just sitting in this room talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I do something like that or say something like that, it's never, you know, in that clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, meh, let the fucking chinks live there. Like with that fucking, not as hard, I should have done it harder to make it clear, like meh. But it was clearly to me, what I was going for was pointing out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dumb somebody would have to be to segregate a neighborhood. And the type of words they would use. Now, what really sucks is having to break down comedy and explain anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? To have to be like, this is what I was doing. Fuck it, I'm just gonna keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I'm like, I go down there and I'm like, hey, get all these ducks out of the window. It's like, I'm making fun of myself for being a fat fucking idiot. That's the whole point. Later in the clip, the girl I was with says, ooh, I want neuters. And I was like, yo, chill, don't be racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, the next part of the clip is an Asian kid learning English next to me, and I have the audacity to be upset that he's trying to better himself while I'm eating noodles with a fork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about that, if you're listening to this, journalist, which I'm sure you are, could use the headline, Shane Gillis Speaks, are you guys alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. I think there is, again, it sucks being serious, but I think there are, like again, I'm not mad at anyone. I'm not even mad at fucking the kid who wrote the story. I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, uhm, everybody, it's like dude, of course everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do. Everybody did exactly what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the theater kids were like, this is hate speech and I don't lie. And it's like, okay, I'm not mad at you. Yeah, that's you. Do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fine. And dude, it's, again, I've said it, it's like, dude, I fought the theater kids in Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That played dress up, and now I'm in New York fighting the theater kids that play dress up again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, uh, it is confusing as to what to do. What's the next step? It's funny, that's one thing that's been really hard is getting advice from every single person. Every single person on earth has an opinion on what I should do. And what's really frustrating is when people kind of, not condescend, but talk down to you about it like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, they know the answer. Or like, this is what I would do. And it's like, bro, no one has done this. No one's gone from literally not famous at all to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just known as a racist. Like, just me and like, the cops at Ferguson have this fucking track record. Like, it's fucking crazy. Yea, there's nothing they can even really judge. Yea, I know, and I don't have a body of work for them to look back on and be like, yea, at least he's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's another thing that hurts. That's the thing that really hurts, is other comics being like, yo, he's not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know where that comes from, cause I've done it. I've done it for you. We've talked about it. Talk smack? Dude, I've talked smack, bro. And the funny thing is, the last like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One lady wrote a fucking article to CNN. I talked to her yesterday. And I was like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't mad, again, I told her the same, like, I'm not mad at anyone. It's all pimping, dude. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been pampered. Everybody's been pampered. Of course everybody's doing what they have to do. Sure. And, uh, but she was like, yeah, I have a book coming out next year. I was like, oh, there it is. That might be why you decided to, you know, be a total hypocrite. Yeah. So that's why she did what she did. But of course. How's the book?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm sure it'll be great. I'm stoked on it. I'm stoked on it. Yes dude, I'm gonna have her autograph it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that also is funny is hearing comics give me advice, which I appreciate. Everybody's, it's usually from a place, well, somewhat a place of like, I'd like to help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's also frustrating to hear comics be like, well, I mean, they got him, they're gonna definitely get me. Bro, they'll never get you. You're not doing anything? You're not doing anything. Don't worry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, well now I can't say anything on podcasts. I'm like, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not up for SNL. Coast is clear, dude. Don't worry. Coast is clear. You're gonna be alright. Yeah. Uhm. Yeah, it's, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have your preferred pronouns in your bio on Twitter, you weighed in on this situation. That's what you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there are people all, so I had to, I deleted my social media apps. Okay. Cause if I get on there, it's like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, off my phone. Um, there are people, and I'll still check it, I'll still download it and look at it every night and just check my DM's and see what's going on. There are people that are adding me to their story every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are like literally people out there with like 35 followers that are like at Shane M. Gillis, you fucking piece of shit. It's like, damn dude, chill bruh. They'll get tired of it. Yeah, they'll, they'll tuck her out. Everybody's going to tuck her out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing that's funny that reminded me of, uh, you remember that South Park episode where there was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was two dudes that worked at SeaWorld that, uh, tricked the kids into believing the orcas could talk. And they were like, I need to live on the moon with my moon family. And then they get shot and they're laying in the street and they just see the whale getting launched into space and they're like, haha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never related to that more. Really? Yea, just like, yea, you got fucking leveled. But like, haha. Oh yea. It was still funny. They're loving it. Yea, it was still funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always lie. Whenever someone asks me if I see anything, automatically I'm like, yes. No, it's uh, well if you haven't seen it, it's tough to explain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, these two dudes in the episode trick the kids of South Park into believing the orcas can talk. So the kids orchestrate a way to launch the whale into space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And while the guys are laying there, shot and dead in the street, in the distance, they see the whale actually getting launched into space, and they're just laying there like, it was still funny. And that's like how I feel, it's like, uh, we did this to be funny, and uh, everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you get SNL, yes. Wipe your fucking podcast. But they're not gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they're gonna hire anybody like me anytime soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what was so surprising the whole time, was like, holy shit, they're actually hiring me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Us? Us? I don't know, I thought about it. Uhm, there were just too many things out there to even try. Yea, that's true. Like, I mean, what they got me on was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not much compared to what was floating around. Although, I will say this, reporters, no n-words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True that. None on my record. True that. Zero N words, so I thought I was in the clear. You know they're fucking going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so, there was just too many things to try to hide. And, uh, so I wasn't even gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, kind of. I mean, the Emmys were like fucking two days ago and I was a red carpet question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like people in $20,000 dresses are like, how do you feel about known racist shangles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in the fucking gym shorts and sandals in West Philly. Like, suck my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it'll blow over until this comes out. And then... Think they're gonna dig through?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without a doubt people are going to listen to this and quote this and nobody will listen to this. So the headlines will be, Shane Gillis thinks this is funny, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I know this is what they're gonna do. And I know the population isn't gonna listen to this. They're gonna see that headline and just go about their day. Which is what they've done the whole time. The GP. The GP is just looking at the fucking headline they see. It's like SNL fires racists. Great. I gotta go pick up my kids from soccer practice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anybody that listens to this, I think, will be like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, yea true. And uh, so my agent called me. I was on the, on the train to go to spots and my agent called and was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is this article, this is coming out. And she quoted it, and read it to me, like that. Like, just a statement, let the effin' live there. And I was like, I would never say that. Yeaah. I was like, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say it like that. I was like, let me listen to the clip, and I'll tell you. And it was me going, ehhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause then they got the other one on Real Ass Podcast where I said just a bunch of gibberish racial slurs. Followed by, which no one ever gets to the end of these articles or the end of that episode where I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a thing I do on podcasts, and you know, it sucks to have to fucking explain this, where it's like, I try to get someone else to jump in and say something bad with me, and then I immediately correct them. And I'm immediately like, no, you shouldn't say that, that's bad dude, say you're sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a funny thing to anybody that actually listens to the podcast. Uhm, and at the end of that episode where I called Andrew Yang a Jew jink, which is like, doesn't even make sense. It's pure gibberish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of that, yea, Andrew Yang is a fucking man. Uh, at the end of that, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we doing guys? These guys are out here having fun. We're just three fat losers spewing hate in a basement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Somebody quoted that. It was like, it's so fucking cool to be racist. Someone had that quote. Someone had that one. Could that not be more obvious?


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[Assistant] So also we're doing this for an audience of people that know we know what we're saying is wrong. Sure.


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[Assistant] Everybody that listens to the podcast hears us say dumb shit and says, they know.


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[Assistant] What they're saying is dumb. That's why they're saying it. There's no other reason to say it.


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[Assistant] But when someone that doesn't know us listens to it, they go, these guys don't know they're wrong. And they're saying wrong things.


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[Assistant] They did White's Plain in Common. They also, uh, you can't punch down, which is an interesting concept.


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[Assistant] To say punch down insinuates that you believe white people are superior. Yes. That's an odd thing.


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[Assistant] Now the way they'll, they'll, cause they have answers for all this. They'll push that away by being like, will the system set up for white people?


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[Assistant] When you say punch down and white people are at the top, straight white guys are at the top and anybody we make fun of is punching down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's why I couldn't apologize. Cause I understand what it is. And it's funny to have put that out and then have people be like, this is a bullshit apology. It's like, yeah dude, I'm not apologizing. I apologize to anybody that's actually offended. And I do feel bad about that.


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[Assistant] Never listen to this podcast, never fucking has any idea about context, and then reads a headline that a guy at SNL is using those words.


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[Assistant] That probably hurt some people's feelings. And I feel bad about that.


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[Assistant] Well, whoever reported it should probably feel bad. They won't though.


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[Assistant] They won't. And that's another thing that, you know, I don't want to sound too foggy, like I think I'm profound. But like, of course throughout this whole thing.


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[Assistant] There's been nights and times where I've been like laying there and being like, damn dude, am I wrong? Like am I fucked up? Am I wrong about this?


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[Assistant] And then to, to remember that you, I know the other side has never had that thought. They've never sat back and been like,


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[Assistant] Maybe I'm wrong about this. Maybe he- So, that's reassuring. Knowing that I at least question myself non-stop, I know the other side doesn't do that.


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[Assistant] I'm still poor, so I have to take the train everywhere. I'm just looking around, like, please don't take my picture. Looking like a fat fucking moron on the subway right now. But, uh.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's a, that was one of my favorite things. This one article found that picture of me in camouflage with a sheet shirt, clearly posing like a fucking shooter.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you who's really strong and support for us, Lyft drivers. Dude, I'm telling you what dude. We got Lyft drivers on lock right now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's another thing that's really underestimated by these people is how much normal people really don't give a fuck. Normal people don't give a fuck. Uhm, obviously again, if you have your pronouns in your bio,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna be upset. Because that's your thing. That's your currency. Victimhood is their currency. So they're gonna keep being like, oh I'm offended.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's funny too because we talked about this before, like.


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[Assistant] Seeing comedy start to swing that pendulum a little bit.


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[Assistant] And I was like, sitting back like, damn dude, I don't want to miss out on this. This is what I've been working for.


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[Assistant] Like I've always been against what's happening in comedy. And then I was like, I wish I was, you know.


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[Assistant] He's like, oh, you're about to be a millionaire? Nah, chill, chill, chill. Nah, hop in, dude.


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[Assistant] Not just rich white ladies. There's also... There's a bunch of white dudes.


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[Assistant] I don't want white ladies to take the full brunt of this. Because there are a ton of dudes that are like, I'm also with you in solidarity that this is wrong. And it's like, okay guys, we get it man, this is your identity. This is their identity. Is victimhood.


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[Assistant] They found a comedy podcast to be upset about. They'll find something.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, fucking like, Iran was bombing a Saudi fucking oil.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, that's not important. This comedy, Matt and Shane's secret podcast,


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[Assistant] Transparent. It is. And that's, uhm.


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[Assistant] That's been the problem we've had with all this since the start of this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, and also your quote of being like, Chinese food's a very dishonest cuisine.


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[Assistant] Obviously, that's a ridiculous statement. To call any cuisine, it's just a funny statement. It's funny to pretend to be upset about these things. To sit here and be like, not in my country, these goddamn ducks in the window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got me on a lot of, dude, how funny was the Gettysburg one? The Gettysburg, the lady thought she had us. I was smiling, dude. Dude, she, that one didn't go anywhere because it was funny. No. She tried to be like, and then Gillis, who had just been to Gettysburg that day, referred to the Confederate war cry as so gay and any women that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People read all that in print. Hot southern boys, dude. Hot southern boys, dude. They likened it to prison rape. The hot southern boys. They were like, the Connecticut brigades were just like sweet boys sent down to pleasure the men.


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[Assistant] Uh, my favorite too was that dude that came and recorded.


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[Assistant] My set. That helped me so much. People were even in text, it was funny. So fucking funny. So I was like, alright, nice. Thanks guys. Thanks for the fucking hookup on that one.


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[Assistant] I couldn't be more certain that this episode will be not good for us.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's all I can do. That's all I can do, dude. Another fun fucking accusation is that I'm some fucking, like, alt-right Trump supporter. Which was so funny, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When this whole thing happened and I got in trouble for like homophobia and racism, everybody on the right was like, that's just free speech, baby, free speech. And then I was like, that'd be funny if Trump got shot. They were all like, uh, call the FBI. This guy's a murderer.


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[Assistant] Everybody. Everybody picked up that quote. Fox really ran with it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not, uh, I'm not into politics. Politics are gay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so, I don't know man, it's, no, I don't think people are gonna listen to this. I don't, I know people aren't gonna listen to this. They're gonna get clips out of this and say this is what they're doing. Anybody that listens to this is probably-


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[Assistant] Dear Saint Rogues, dude, please save us. Please Saint Rogues, Rogues, descend upon us and save us, dude. Please fucking bless us. Rogues want Kenobi, you're our only hope, dude. Please.


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[Assistant] Rogues, Rogues, descend upon us, please. Please help. Please bless us, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then it's the, again, there's comics talking shit. All good. Do your thing, bro. Loving it, dude. Love the trash talk. It sucks to have so many iconic comedians come down and trash me. All these dudes I've always looked up.


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[Assistant] Nah, bro. Titus is- He's a god, dude. He's a comedy god.


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[Assistant] What's your favorite Titus bit? My favorite Titus bit is, uh, he uses a Ted Talk microphone.


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[Assistant] One of the funny things is anybody that's talked shit, that's a comedian, has typically had a clip of them on a podcast saying ridiculous shit. And Titus's was so funny. Titus was like, he was like, uh, let's start, it was like the intro of his podcast, he was like, let's start with hard facts. Asians can't drive for shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, no Grand Prix winners. No NASCAR. He listed all that shit. It's like Malaysian Airlines. They suck. And then he was like, the last thing you want to hear on a plane is,


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[Assistant] Hack and unfunny was what hurt. If you guys, you know, if, you know. You won't hurt me. If E and fucking variety and vulture are like racist piece of shit, I'm like yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, that makes sense. Coming from you guys, yes.