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[Assistant] True. And here's the other thing, because people aren't listening to this. They didn't listen to the full thing. They didn't listen to three years of this. So at the beginning of the podcast,


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[Assistant] I was a open mic'er, in Philly, living in a fucking basement.


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[Assistant] I'm fact checking all this. God dammit, shut your phone off.


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[Assistant] That checks out. You've seen the bean cans. I'm real time fact checking. So, this is coming from a place of, I'm watching comics, get, like I think I'm not going anywhere.


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[Assistant] So I talked shit on a bunch of comics that I thought were getting claptor, and it bothered me. Sure.


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[Assistant] As soon as things, as soon as I moved to New York within one year, this year.


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[Assistant] Everything changed. Agency, Management, Comedy Central, JFL, Saturday Night Live.


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[Assistant] As soon as I realized, and it happened before I moved to New York, I was just like, I gotta stop.


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[Assistant] Fucking wailing on this woke shit. It's embarrassing. It makes me look like a whiny bitch. I'm done with it. And, uh...


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[Assistant] I tried to, you know, I tried to move on when people brought up that I said Judd Apatow was gayer than Isis.


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[Assistant] Which I don't, you know, I don't want to hurt any like that. But it is funny knowing Judd Apatow was like on set somewhere and one of his fucking publicists came up and was like, uh, excuse me, Judd, uh,


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[Assistant] Come at me. It's okay. How much you accept it?


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[Assistant] It's like obviously they have problems with their Asian identity.


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[Assistant] Well they had horses, that's how they did it. Genghis Khan, they had, it was cavalry.


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[Assistant] Tied into this. What are we doing? It's world history. It's world history. You think world history has something to do with dudes on reddit being like...


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[Assistant] This is why I don't want to have this conversation. Why? Because it's not going to come out great.


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[Assistant] Of course. I know you're not doing anything wrong. I know you're not. But if we get into like, race by history.


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[Assistant] This is not going to be a great fucking look.


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[Assistant] Podcasts and comedy, we've been pretty clear that we're very- we're just two humble men, dude. True that. Two humble peasants.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot to discuss and obviously, like always, neither of us really prepared for this. So, it is going to be disheveled and we are going to say dumb shit, but, uh.


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[Assistant] But, it doesn't, I don't know. The thing that also sucks is having people come up and be like, you okay? Yeah, it sucks. It's like, yeah, I'm fine.


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[Assistant] You're alright man, I know it's really hard. It's like yea, of course it's hard. Yesterday it is.


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[Assistant] The hardest thing is, yesterday sucked. Yesterday was like, so since this started, I've just been on the phone, non-stop, with every single person, non-stop, for fucking a week and a half, just on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but, so, and then you get this big adrenaline, the whole time I had adrenaline. Like, you're just going through just a fight. You're just getting fucking rocked. And you can't say anything back, because no matter what you say is bad. No matter what I say is gonna come out bad.


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[Assistant] Uh, like if I got on fuckin' CNN and was like, I'm not racist and I'm really sorry. Yeaah. You can't do it. You can't do it. If you apologize at all, it's bad.


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[Assistant] The only thing I can do is be funny. That's the only way out of this. And, uh, I will. But, so that's been the hardest part. You get all this adrenaline, and then yesterday it fucking died. And I was just dead. I was dead. I was like, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, all of a sudden it just, all that adrenaline dissipates and you're just like, whoa, what the fuck just happened? Uh, and then I'm, you know, I'm still getting calls from management and all these people. It's like, I don't give a fuck.


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[Assistant] And none of them, you can punch a hole in every single one. Cause nobody's done this, there's no playbook for this. There's, I'm getting shit on by everyone. I'm getting shit on by comics, getting shit on by the media, everybody. And so, any plan.


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[Assistant] Gets fucking crushed. Because, like, let's say I go sit down with fucking Andrew Yang. There's a ton of holes in that. Like how that could go bad.


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[Assistant] I was thinking that. I was like, listen, listen Coop, this whole thing's been a real fucking drag, bro.


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[Assistant] Okay, we're gonna have to go to commercial. Scrub that. There's like, yeaah, there's no option. That's a good option. There are no good options. Other than just going back to business as usual.


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[Assistant] Keep it fucking moving. Puddle up. Keep doing the podcast. Keep doing comedy.


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[Assistant] That's the only thing I wanted. That's another thing. I didn't want to do this.


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[Assistant] A lot of people were like, you're really funny, you should go do this. And I was like, ehh, I kinda just like doing stand-up.


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[Assistant] I did really well. They were like, yes dude, you're a star. I was like, okay.


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[Assistant] You're just wearing like cargo jean shorts in there like, okay. The whole time. I don't have one outfit. All these like high powered meetings where like jeans and a t-shirt.


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[Assistant] I'm just trying to do stand up dude, I'm just trying to do hood rat things with my friends. That's all I'm trying to do dude, I'm just trying to do hood rat things.


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[Assistant] You and me heard that clip. If I heard a guy got fired from SNL for using racial slurs, I'd be like, yea, that guy fuckin' rules, dude. That guy's hilarious. But.


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[Assistant] This is South Park. This is South Park. This is that episode where the orca gets launched to the moon and those dudes that just got shot are laying there being like, like that's crazy, that's funny.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then, eh, there's, there's people that are like, oh, don't, don't fall into being like an alt-right guy. It's like, dude, I'm not. I don't give a fuck about politics. I'm not even alt-right, dude.


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[Assistant] That's such a bullshit, it is like a... If you're against...


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[Assistant] What the, what the, these people are propagating, you are alright.


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[Assistant] No matter what I say, it's bad. I'm aware of that.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's been hard to figure out what to do, but, you know, I'm just gonna keep doing stand-up. That's all I can do. And let people decide for themselves if they think it's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is, that's so funny. The comics like, what, man, the PC police, man, they're gonna come, what the fuck. It's like, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't want to be...


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[Assistant] Uhm, another thing I was worried about was sounding like I wanted to be the fucking mouthpiece for comedy. Yeaah. Like the arbiter of fucking, like this is, you know, I'm not Patrice. Yeaah. I'm not, like, I don't have a body of work. I'm fucking new. Yeaah. So like, I don't want to be the guy that's trying to come off as that. That scares me.


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[Assistant] I know, but you have to do it. Yeaah. There's like, in the contract of comedy clubs, they're like, you gotta go do morning radio, you gotta go do the morning news, and be like, hey everybody, uh, Norman does it well. Does he really? Mark Norman does it really funny.


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[Assistant] If you see his clips, he goes like, morning, morning news, he'll just go on and be like, eeeeh, Patty, eeeeh, like his whole, it's funny.


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[Assistant] Yo. Uhm, another thing I wanted to talk about that is pretty funny is, uh, the people, like in our orbit,


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't think it- well, there's also that double standard of like, so say you're like a fucking-


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[Assistant] ONA guy or like a calm down guy or like our fans just commenting on people that are offended by this by being like you're fucking like using slurs again. Uh, that's a horrible look for me.


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[Assistant] But, what's funny is I'll be held accountable for anybody that's a fan of ours in their comments. Sure. Meanwhile, somebody who writes an article about me and I get, you know, a thousand death threats, they're not held accountable for that. There's no accountability there. I've had fucking people call me


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[Assistant] That spoke out and talked shit on me. Be like, complaining that they're getting fucking cyberbullied.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna beat the fuck out of the Bagel Boss. Me and the Bagel Boss are going to blows over this. It's gonna be me versus Bagel Boss and Beetlejuice.


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[Assistant] Dude, Titus is coming for you. Fuck that dude. Titus vs Matt McOsker.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then our fans go out and say horrible things and they're like, this is the type of hate that they promote. It's like, what about the hate you promote? Cause I'm getting fucking death threats.


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[Assistant] Not that, and it's funny too because I've heard everybody that's gotten death threats before complain about them and I'm like, I don't care.


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[Assistant] I know they're not real. But it's just like, uh, it's a lot like when you make fun of ghosts.


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[Assistant] If I'm in public and I'm like, ghosts aren't real, fuck you. And then right before I go to bed, I'm like, sorry about that ghosts. I was just kidding. I know you're in my closet right now. We're good. Same thing with death threats. I'll go out and be like, man, fuck death threats. And then right before bed, I'm like, ooh, better lock that door.


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[Assistant] Of course, you should be afraid. I don't have any death threats, dude. You should be scared to get shot. That's a fear.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, probably... I don't know, I don't know. Don't set me up. Don't set me up for that. Don't set me up. I know what you're trying to get me to say. Yep. Yep. I know what you're trying to do. Don't fucking... Don't try to fucking do that to me.


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[Assistant] That's another funny thing, he's like, I keep saying that too, sorry. That's a funny thing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's like why I haven't been upset. It's because I know that they believe they're right. There are dudes that they literally think they just stopped a guy who does hate speech. They think they did that.


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[Assistant] Well Billy was talking to me about it. It's funny to make fun of the hipster apocalypse.


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[Assistant] All these people that are doing all these blogs and all this shit, it's like dude, the come down from this wave is gonna, we're gonna get a lot of cool looking fucking bus drivers. You know what I mean? There's gonna be a lot of guys with like an arrow tattoo on their forearm driving your bus.


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[Assistant] That's what me and Billy would, Billy was taking shots. Wow.


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[Assistant] The hipster apocalypse of like, oh man, you guys ran, there's going to be a lot of landscapers out there with fucking curly mustaches.


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[Assistant] That was crackin' me up as like, we gotta take him down. I'm like, bro, I live in a hallway in Queens. What else do you want?


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[Assistant] Yes. Thankfully I live in Queens where everybody's from fucking Uzbekistan. That's pretty sick. And they're just like...


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[Assistant] They got bigger fish to fry than online blogs. For sure. Like, in Queens, I'm alright. In Manhattan, in Brooklyn, oh boy. Really? Yeaah, we got some lookers.


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[Assistant] There were people on stage this weekend, while I was on stage, they were like, who are you? I'm like, oh, I got hired and fired by SNL this week.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude. But, I haven't really run into anybody that was saying like, fuck you, on the street yet.


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[Assistant] All the pieces fell into line as to everybody acted exactly how they're supposed to act. Now the thing that changed was I was supposed to grovel and say sorry.


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[Assistant] I'm not like, trying to be a martyr. Cause that's not what I want. I want to have a real career. But, uh.


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[Assistant] I think the more people stop apologizing for this shit and be like, hey guys, I'm joking.


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[Assistant] Sorry dude. Unless you know, unless you're doing safe stuff. Which I understand.


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[Assistant] Uh, there's, uh, god, I keep forgetting what I'm gonna say. Uh, you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little mentally exhausted.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I guess just the thing that does hurt is getting called not funny. That's what hurts. I know I've said it like eight times in this.


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[Assistant] I, I didn't really read too much in the news. Uh, I have watched all the podcast clips of people talking shit. I try not to, cause then I'm just like, I gotta come out and be like, well, fuck this person. It's like, nah, I don't care. This is what, this is what hopefully will happen. They'll just have to follow me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I went home this week, there for two days, and it was not helpful at all. I was like, nice, I'll get a nice, nice respite from everything and just have a nice, not stressful time with my family. And, uh, of course the cat, the cat had fleas, some fucking fleas in my house, which is a nightmare.


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[Assistant] Whatever that's called, tiny bug phobia, dude, you have it. I have it like, cause dude, when you see fleas on you, the rest of the night, you're just like, any itch, I'm just like, fuck.


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[Assistant] So the anxiety was on 10 when I came home. And then, uh, you know, my family got some horrendous news outside of mine. And it's like, Jesus Christ. The hits, baby. Which was funny.


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[Assistant] Uh, what was funny was when I got SNL


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[Assistant] Here comes the backlash of this. Which is just gonna be misery. So I'm riding that right now. So chances are something good's gonna happen.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, that's uh, that's what's going on. So I went home to try to get like a nice thing. It's like, Jesus Christ. Fucking mom's crying.


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[Assistant] And I'm still getting online and like, a hot chick, a lot of hot chicks came out against me. For sure. Which, I mean.


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[Assistant] Being called unfunny by other comics that I don't think are funny hurts. Sure. Being destroyed online every day by the hottest chicks in the world.


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[Assistant] Right now? No. Which was funny because if I would have got SNL...


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[Assistant] Oh dude. I'm drowning in it. Now, now I gotta go be like a gross club comic. It's just the least fuckable guy on earth.


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[Assistant] I was so close to a sniz come up, dude. I was on the precipice of an absolute sniz come up.


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[Assistant] Beautiful matures, dude. Oh, now I'm back to mature naturals. You're at the Roundground Steakhouse, dude.


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[Assistant] Whatever dude, I was born in the darkness.


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[Assistant] Yeah man. I love this shit. I will say, I was on that same tip, but boy, when the elite are like reaching their hand down to be like, are you ready to become one of us? I know, I know bro, I know.


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[Assistant] But they were also, they were also like, we need you to apologize, we can get out of this. I was offered that.


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[Assistant] I still think I was getting fucked no matter what. No matter what.


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[Assistant] But, there was the offer. Not by anybody in particular. You're not naming names. This is all just a joke. None of this is serious. Please include that in whatever dogshit article this is.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, I was offered that. And I was like, I can't, I can't, because I'm apologizing for this. Tomorrow, I'm, like, they're, like, like, this is inexcusable. This is, like, it is excusable. I was trying to be funny.


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[Assistant] If you listen to the podcast, if you're one of the fucking like 4,000 people at the time that were listening to the podcast, you understood that that was funny.


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[Assistant] Somebody was like, well, maybe this isn't the right platform for you then. And I was like, maybe not.


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[Assistant] Cause I can't apologize for this. If I apologize for this, these fucking rats win again.


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[Assistant] That's what they wanted. They wanted an apology. That's their fucking fuel.


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[Assistant] It's weird, dude. It's like, give us an apology, yeaah, say you're the worst. Apologies and shame. It's like, dude, what am I gonna go, like, take sensitivity training and be like, I learned, guys, please, can I be on TV? Yeaah. I learned. Can I dress up with you guys again, please? That's what I'm saying. Nah, dude. Can't do it, dude. I won't, cause I, you know, I'm just not gonna bend to that.


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[Assistant] And that's what I wanted, forever. I'm tired of people bending to that.


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[Assistant] I hear you. I was like, I wanted to be at the forefront of this, like, fucking...


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[Assistant] But, to be honest, firing me did level me up. Pretty much. Now I can just go do stand up, and people are excited.


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[Assistant] Yeah, now that'll dissipate. That'll fuckin' die down. People aren't gonna give me a standing ovation every fuckin' week now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, man, that is nice. Oh, that's a nice, that's, again, I don't want to sound too corny, but boy, what a nice place to be is doing stand up throughout this whole thing. Yeah. Like during the day, life just is just like a dick punch. And it's like, you get to go do stand up and get, you know, people laughing and it's fun. And everybody can just be like, all right, enough of this shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's another thing, like I don't use, on stage I don't use words like that, because I don't know who's in the audience. Sure.


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[Assistant] When it's on this podcast or fucking Legion of Skanks or any of these podcasts, I know who's in the audience. I know who's listening, who's downloading an hour and a half of content. I know who's listening and I know they're not gonna get their feelings heard.


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[Assistant] So I can say whatever the fuck I want. Yep. If you're listening to this podcast, I know you don't give a fuck.


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[Assistant] So I'll say whatever. If I'm on stage and I don't know who's in the audience, which I don't, I won't say those things. I don't use those words on stage. True. It's that simple.


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[Assistant] Case closed, dude. That's a pin in it. It's not. This case is not closed.


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[Assistant] I'm not, I can't even fucking. The Philly local scene, I can't even get into.


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[Assistant] It's not. It's okay. They all did what they do. I'm alright with it.


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[Assistant] And the predictable thing would be me to go out after all that and be like,


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[Assistant] I need to learn a lesson and I apologize and all you guys are above me and you know


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[Assistant] The morality. I'm wrong. And I'm not gonna do that. They're gonna suck our dicks to all our enemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The responses to MBC's press release that they were firing me, I had so many fucking funny ones. Just like, just GIFs, like the Alonzo morning GIF, have you ever seen that where he's like,


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[Assistant] He's like shaking his head that they're getting killed and then he like comes to terms with why they're losing. It's so funny. Yea, look at Alonzo morning gif and imagine that's how I responded. But the one thing I do regret out of the first statement I made, which by the way I made in five minutes.


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[Assistant] No, no one will. And that's what really annoyed me was hearing other comics be like, you shouldn't have said this. I'm like, bro, don't worry about it. You'll never be on that fucking microscope. You'll never have it. So don't even fucking worry about it.


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[Assistant] The, I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries. As soon as I said that I was like, damn, that part was fucking corny.


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[Assistant] I'm a comedian who pushes boundaries. You push boundaries, dude. Dude, that was embarrassing. That's the, if I'm apologizing for anything, I apologize for...


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[Assistant] What, mad tv? Somebody wrote an article about that. About the statement in general. About the mad tv comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember that character? The lady who does Family Guy, she does Lois. Okay. Forget her name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand. I appreciate your sensibilities. Thank you. Uh, but they had one character that was like, yes. It was like an Asian lady. So does Saturday Night Live? No, yes. Really? She was hilarious. Uh, so they dug into that and thought that that's what I was hinting at. Obviously, dude. No, I was just trying to make a joke. It's a fucking Shane Luminati, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The apologies or what, and that was funny too. The people on Twitter would be like, this is not an apology. It's like, yeah, no shit. No shit, dude.


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[Assistant] Like anyone who's actually offended, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Exactly what it means. I don't think a lot of you are offended. I just don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think many of you are really hurt.


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[Assistant] Now again, to reiterate this, because I've said it a bunch of times, if I was a fucking Asian kid and I fucking looked online and the first status was, or the first quote was the SNL member uses racial slurs against Asians, that would hurt. Maybe. That would be like, ah fuck.


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[Assistant] So that I get, but that's not what I posted. I didn't post an article for you to see. I posted a podcast for fucking morons to listen to and laugh while they're fucking unloading docs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This wasn't for you. I didn't, like, if I knew you were listening, I probably would take it a little easier. Or, you know, tell you, don't listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm glad you picked this episode to bring up the Aryan Brotherhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's gonna be like, and then they discussed Aryan Brotherhood, and they likened it to their com- like that's how they're gonna- I know you're not. I know you're not. I know you're not. Here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. Say it. This is what happened. They're gonna- same thing with the MadTV comment. They're gonna be like, oh, and they very intentionally plugged this guy's fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're like, what's a white group we could be? Uh, Amish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm an Amish now. I'm Amish now bro. My new name is Zachariah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's so funny. Yea, my uncle though was a prison warden, talks like that. Does he really? Yea, he's like in his 70s and he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also what's nice about cowboys, there were some black cowboys. True that. There were a lot. So you can even, you know, bring them in a little. Be like, guys, we're the cowboys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hard workout regimen? Hell yea. Although I will say that the Nazis on the streets tend not to look like they follow that workout regimen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stay up late. I always did before. But throughout this whole thing, it's night. That's the one time where I'm like, ah, everyone's asleep. It's just me and the world. Enjoying my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know it's funny. I know it's funny. It is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rogues, help us. Dear Saint Rogues. Saint Rogues, come down, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah. It is gonna be funny when the articles are like, after a absolute non-apology, they then got into how an Aryan Brotherhood workout is the best workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hopefully, hopefully this reaches the prison, the penal column. For sure dude. There's the people in prison that, hey guys, tone it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hopefully people in prison like our podcast. For sure. And that they can send us gifts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Uh, yeah, and also I'm trying hard to not let this shit get in my head. I know it's funny, and it's funny knowing how it's going to be perceived. What we say here is going to be perceived as like, the headline will be like, you know, it'll be like, why they fucking praise white supremacists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one option is I could go on like CNN and do that. Alex Jones out on CNN and be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know we're good. I know we can go just sell Molly on the dark web.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said that, I was in a meeting, I was in a meeting with NBC and I was like, guys, if you fire me, dude, I'm set. I'm gonna go sell Molly on the dark web. Like no matter what happens, I'm good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, at one meeting, you'll, you'll think this is funny. Sorry, did you ever see Beach Bum? Beach Bum? No, I still haven't seen it. Watch that, dude. You'll be stoked. You think that'll cheer me up? Yes. I watched, I watched like The Darkest Hour with Winston Churchill and I was like, that's me. I'm standing up to the Nazis right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, which is gonna be funny when my roommate gets a bill, cause I rented it. It's gonna be like on September 16th or whenever this happens. 499? It's gonna be like the darkest hour. I wonder who rented that? Uh, I forget again.


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[Assistant] No, your bullshit's funny. It's funny to at least have one funny- you cried?


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[Assistant] I had to hold it. I mean, yours is real. Yours is a daughter on the way.


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[Assistant] No, I wanted to cry anyway. I'll just think I'm gonna cry over this shit. I haven't hit one yet. Really? Oh, last night. But, uh, we'll get, you know, we'll be alright. Uh. In the shower?


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[Assistant] But it was about other things. It wasn't about this, it was about, you know, some shit. Crying's good for you, dude. Crying's really good for you. I almost cried, cause I had to meet, I met most people at SNL, or like NBC and all that shit. And like in one meeting I was like, I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I felt my fucking lip quiver and I was like, don't you fucking cry in front of these people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was hilarious, dude. So this whole time, my dad, first of all, my dad was like, yeah, I talked to fucking the central Pennsylvania hoos. Why did he answer? And I was like, Phil, shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] Don't talk to the media. My dad's at home like, yeah, what the hell? I'll talk to him when he says shit. I'm like, don't fucking talk to him, please. Please. Last thing I need is him being like, yeah, Donald Trump's great.


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[Assistant] One lady from CNN was like, hey, would you like to come talk? And I was like, here's my manager's info. And the lady from CNN was like, what's his name? And I was like, uhm, excuse me? Her name?


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[Assistant] Please don't assume my manager's gender, please. Not right now. And some lady from CNN had to be like, oh I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] So I got an apology from CNN about this. That counts. But yea, Phil, my dad talking to the media. That article was my favorite.


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[Assistant] So Phil and my family was pretty much like, yeah, fuck him. And then when Fox News ran the article that was like, Shane Gillis calls for the assassination of Donald Trump, my dad would call me and was like, what the hell are you doing?


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[Assistant] As soon as Fox turned on me, my dad was like, Jesus Christ, now it's a crisis. The guys that are telling the truth don't like my son? Oh no.


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[Assistant] Well that's, that's one thing that sucked too, it was like Burr and Chappelle.


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[Assistant] And then my shit came out and everyone was like, everyone was like, that's wrong.


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[Assistant] Baron Chappelle, dude, they're top five all time. Both of them. Of course they were funnier than me.


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[Assistant] Fire up, dude, I didn't mean to fire them up. Nah, dude. Uhm, but yea.


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[Assistant] Well, you're looking at it right now, aren't you? Exactly. You're staring across the table like, oh man, trying to stick me for my paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tonight? Yeah. Probably in Philly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's, let's, oh yeah, I'm getting death threats. Where are you sleeping?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was just at the Walmart in Mechanicsburg trying to buy flea medication at fucking 2am. Were they out?


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a casino. Yeah, man. Walmarts and casinos have the same obesity rate. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. It's a high rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asian populations are coming? You know who's blown up is Africa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they finally are getting, like, health care.


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[Assistant] Yeah man. So those populations, that's the, those are the two areas that have jumped. India, Africa, China, those fucking skyrocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you don't think I'm getting advice from Phil? I'm getting advice from him. Today, before I left, he was like...


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[Assistant] You, uh, you still gonna do this comedy thing still?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got something for me? Can I go back to the auto auction? Can I go back to cleaning out cars? Or how about the factory? Can I go back to the factory? Dude, I could go back to the ice cream factory and kill it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Shane Gillis from Mechanicsburg. I know everybody in my hometown was like, oooooh, yo!


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's one thing that's, again, that also has bothered me is people being like, ah, man, that was his shot. It's like, nah, baby. Nah, dog. Nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's more. I'll do more. I'll just keep doing stand-up. I'll just keep doing comedy.


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[Assistant] Uhm, now go hit somebody else again. Yeaah, man. And they'll probably crumble and say sorry.


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[Assistant] He's like, guys, can I be on your team now? Can I be on the side that bullies people please?


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[Assistant] Yeah, punching down and punching all that, it's like dude, in the world we're in, in the world we're operating in, which is comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you really think it's punching down to make fun of these groups?


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[Assistant] At all. Any of these groups. That's crazy dude. It's like, look at... I don't wanna get in.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the, yeah. All the people in Philly that were talking shit, it's like, okay, let's see where you're at next year. Let's see where I'm at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, oh man, you're the best, you're the- and now I see them and they're like, hey buddy, you're okay. You wanna do my show? Come on man. Fuck no. It's like, bro, I haven't changed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and not in a really great way. What's the worst thing you can be in America today?


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[Assistant] Look up John McWhorter, bro. So it's the total taboo. Now what do you think a comedian might talk about? I dunno, maybe the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what I should do as a comic is grow and learn that even though it's taboo, I should not talk about it. Just like all the great comedians.


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[Assistant] And I'm not, I'm definitely not one of them. Titus, but I'm trying to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are the greats? Titus is one of them. Titus learned? Titus learned. Now he's like a hard- You went a little hard on the paint. He used to. Now he's like a left guy. For sure. He stepped in. He knows.


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[Assistant] I know you are. That's who I roll with. I only roll with bangers.


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[Assistant] So I mean yeaah, you can come at me, but just get ready, there's gonna be some bangers waiting for you. Exactly, I'm a fucking hitter dude. You think Spud Dogg, you think Billy, you think fucking Matty are gonna just sit back? Come on man.


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[Assistant] No, there's the guy. He's having fun. People are like, don't kill yourself. I'm not, I'm not.


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[Assistant] They're like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. No, well, the thing is, is I still have to, I'm gonna try to come back. I'm gonna come back, so I'm not gonna kill myself before I get that.


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[Assistant] A million text messages of just like, holy fuck, congrats, dude. And then I didn't have time to respond to anybody in the next text, like, oh, sorry, dude. Frowny face. Countless text messages. That's so funny. And DMs of like, dude, amazing, you deserve this, you're the best. Next text message is like, ah, it's alright, man. You'll be okay. Dude.


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[Assistant] This'll blow over. I'm like, guys, it's not blowing over. I texted, uh, Sean. I thought they're keeping you.


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[Assistant] Sean Patton texted me and was like, hey congrats. I was like, they'll fire me by the end of this week. And that was before anything started. Really? I was like bro, they're not letting this happen.


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[Assistant] Who's like, I didn't want to bring this up, but yea. You called it. Yea, called it. Uhm, where are we at, Timeless?


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[Assistant] I'm glad to say it. Oh, I just cummed. Oh, yes. I chased on myself because you said something bad. Uhm, yeah. The one thing I'm just dreading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, uh, South Park crushin' me. Oh dude, if South Park crushes me, then you can put me on suicide watch. If South Park crushes me, I'll be fuckin' hurt.


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[Assistant] I just don't, like, I didn't want to be a fucking edgelord.


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[Assistant] I'm not that guy. I'm not like, what, snowflakes? You can't take it? I'm not that guy. And that sucks. Cause that's what also-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, people think I'm that guy. Also, if I was a comic that didn't know me...


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[Assistant] And just saw that clip, I'd be like, hey, he's a fucking edgelord fucking moron.


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[Assistant] Well, good ep. That was a good time. Let's see what happens.


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[Assistant] Things aren't gonna come out great out of this, but media-wise, but you know, what am I gonna do? No one's gonna be like, hey, I'll tell you what you're gonna do. I listen to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcasts, I'll tell you what, I was wrong. Those guys are pretty funny.


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[Assistant] They, uh, that's one that bothers me too. It's like, this is a conspiracy. SNL picked him so they could do this. And it's like, how about you give me some fucking credit for fucking getting this.


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[Assistant] I don't think it's a conspiracy, I think that's exactly what they did. They were like, this guy's funny and he's not, finally he's not somebody that's gonna cry that Hillary lost. Yes. He's not gonna, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Be sad about it. So that's good. They did want that. For sure. They just didn't realize. I mean, they heard that in my stand-up. Yeah. Uhm, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's, yeah, it's like, how did I get here? So it's like, of course I would go back and be like, man, I wish I didn't do that, but that's how I got here. This is what made me who I am. Yeah. Is talking all that shit. Yeah, man. I can't be like, I can't deny that now. No. It is what it is.


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[Assistant] I think they just picked, cause it's coming from comics that could never get what I just got. So they're all like, well, I would have got it. They just picked a guy at random.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been watching you. Just hearing other comics be like, they just picked somebody at random that they could, you know, fire and make a whole big deal out. It's like dude, give me an ounce of credit. True that. I never thought about that. Maybe he was fucking funny enough to get SNL.


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[Assistant] I don't give a fuck, but yeah, there's, there's, there's listening to comics that'll never ever have this be like, well, I could've, I mean, they just pick somebody at random. It's not, it has nothing to do with talent. I could've got that. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single person will still say yes. Let me get back to you in a couple weeks. Every single person would still say yes. Yeaah. It's also funny to hear people be like, dude, turn it down. Like, uh, no? Yeaah, exactly. What the fuck are you talking about?


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[Assistant] I'd also like to, you know, it's also interesting to imagine any of these people under that scrutiny not apologizing. I don't see that either.


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[Assistant] Who? Any of the people criticizing how I handled anything.


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[Assistant] It's like, are you sure you wouldn't have just come out and been like, I'm so sorry. Anything to keep that job.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's toss this fucking grenade out and see what happens.


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[Assistant] Lava's are leading the fucking charge, dude. Dude, that's like nerd glory to work on alien stuff.


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[Assistant] It's about as spooky as it gets too. That fucking cool hipster was making like cool beats, playing cool music, showing fucking flash images of like cartoons from the 40s.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let me, this guy just, there's a documentary on Netflix. I guess Bob Lazar was just on Rogues. I didn't listen yet.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Scott does a documentary about this whole thing and the whole time he's wearing no shoes or socks. I know. He's just sitting on camera barefoot with a cool beard and a cool haircut and a sleeve tattoo. Expensive jeans dude. Very expensive jeans, very nice apartment. Yeaah. He's got a very cool rustic apartment.


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[Assistant] The entire thing about this guy is fraudulent. I would say. Pure fraudulent.


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[Assistant] Old shit, every- not like, like this guy's, clearly he, he's in style.


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[Assistant] He's, he's cool today. I don't wanna see that. No. I don't wanna see somebody who picked up their fashion and entire fucking identity this year. Which, that's pathetic.


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[Assistant] CBD is changing the game of comedy. Who would have thought CBD would fuel comedy?


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[Assistant] When you go, when you do a comedy festival, typically they give you like a, like a gift, like a gift bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skankfest continues to run the game when it comes to gift bags.


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[Assistant] It's like a pen. There's always like a pen and a notebook in there.


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[Assistant] A bottle of lube, which was nice. The best was the fucking, like, drug testing kit. Fentanyl kit, dude. Oh, is that what that was?


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[Assistant] Was there flaming hot cheeto? That's hilarious, because that means O'Conny ate his. Did he really? I only got O'Connor's bag.


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[Assistant] They really did. That is Joe's Box. Shout out to our sponsor, Joe's Box.


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[Assistant] Shark Tank with people, like Joe's Box Shark Tank would have been so fucking funny. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Wow. And all you have to do is join the page.


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[Assistant] That's the only thing I care about right now. It's unbelievable. What is blockchain? This is the peoples republic.


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[Assistant] I remember about midway through, so far like a couple, maybe like a hundred episodes in, fifty episodes in, now it's less than that. Yeah. About like fifty episodes in when you just like, when you discovered Reddit.


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[Assistant] Damn. Obviously do whatever he wants. If you get powerful enough that like, child porn is delivered upon you, come on. You should be allowed.


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[Assistant] If you're like the leader of a cult, or if you're like pretty much always wearing like robes.


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[Assistant] I should start denying my Irish heritage. You should be like no I'm not. I'm pure Saxon.


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[Assistant] That's Siob, you were telling me about Spud with his clay.


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[Assistant] Billy needs to confront, I was talking to Billy today via FaceTime, which is, it's always so funny, dude. Is he, is he hitting you up and just trying to attack you? No, normally it's pretty friendly, but he's usually in the truck, and I'm usually in bed.


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[Assistant] He's like waking up at like noon. He's like, hey, what's going on? You look rough, dude. He's like, talking shit. It's very funny. He told me today if, uh, if I, cause I was FaceTiming and I was like, god damn, I'm going bald, man.


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[Assistant] Dude, sitting there with a shaved head and his glasses on and repeating everything he says.


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[Assistant] You want to sign up someone like that? Yeaah. You gotta get 20 people to agree with this. That's fine. What type of futuristic gear?


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[Assistant] If you did that to me, I'd be like, oh. Oh, fuck. No, I wouldn't even be, I'd be like, oh, it's Wednesday? Okay. Dude, you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. I'm on a solid billy kick right now. It cracks me off so much dude. Just him calling, just talking shit.


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[Assistant] Like I said, Billy, Billy's trapped in that bit, dude. He is frozen in time in that bit.


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[Assistant] Come at you dude. No, it's just, he was calling me today.


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[Assistant] Alright, well we hit them, now what, uh, what do you think they're gonna do back? I hope people know what we're talking about. No, the Kenworth kid is, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. Him, him bothering like, Comtown's Reddit, and him doing like, just, his PsyOps while he's trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what he, that's what he called me about today was, he was like, I don't know about your bits dude, he was talking about bits, cause every come town like reddit thing is like, I love this bit, I love this, like these bits, they just keep doing the same bits over and it's like shut up about bits, fucking nomos. Yeah, so that's why, that's why I said Billy's.


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[Assistant] He became like a leisure suit Larry for a minute while he was in Lancaster. He was like fat wearing like Hawaiian button-downs and cowboy boots. Damn.


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[Assistant] You can get out of it. You go from like, feminist to juggalo. Or like, you know, there's ways to trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard there were a couple overdoses of CBD at Skank Fest. Really? People got carted out? Yea dude. What happened? It was tough to see. They had Narcane off the CBD. They just fell asleep? Yea, they'd pass out from being too chill. True. And you'd never wake up dude. That's true.


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[Assistant] We're gonna take drugs, that, who made?


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[Assistant] Every hangover I have, I'm like, I gotta write this ship. Yeaah. And then I'm not hungover and I immediately get drunk. And I'm like, what am I talking about? This is great. That's the move, dude. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Scared. I'm already scared. What are you scared about? Just shaking a stick at that old hornet's nest.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would, uh, I would need, in order to beat him, I would need a time machine. To go back. You could train for it. Me, ten years ago, I'd be alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done that. Somebody will be like, hey, they mentioned you on...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Tuesdays with stories or something, I'll be like, nice. I'll listen to an hour and a half of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they say something at the very end, like, oh yea, we're down in Philly with Shane Gillis. He's alright. Nice. Uh, yea, but Skankfest, dude, that was, what'd you think? That was fun, man, that was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did three shows right before that, that day. I was drunk. You know, that was a long weekend. Like Thursday night I had a long show, or like a late show. Stayed out all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woke up at like seven to fly to San Francisco, landed there, went to my hotel, showered, and went straight to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm in a lazar time warp. I'm just dun dun dun dun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woke up the next morning, flew back to fucking New York, I landed at like, around like one on Saturday. Sure there- Night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even 24 hours in San Francisco. And then flew back, and when I landed in New York, Louis had just been on Skankfest. And I was like, fuck, I gotta try to get there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I made up my mind that I was gonna go there that night anyway. So I went and just got drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was. Well, everybody still knew. But, that was pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you miss Lou man. Miss Louie. Got drunk. Got drunk Saturday night anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and O'Connor, oh, this is great. To get, I didn't have my keys to my apartment. And then, uh, so the way we got into the house was we climbed in through the window. We broke in through my roommate Steve's room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought he was out of town, but he was in there. He's such a fucking dork. He was in there with like his mouthpiece in. His like retainer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, O'Connor crawls into the room. He got little O'Conn man sneaking through your window. It's like a raccoon. It is, it is. But this guy, just the way he reacted, because neither of us knew he was in the room. All of a sudden you just hear like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing in my room? Because he had that reaction of like waking up out of sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was like not a normal reaction. It wasn't like he was scared or anything. He was just like, get out of here. You, get out of my room. What did O'Connor say? O'Connor was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Connor, you're gonna fuckin' sneak around. Drunk O'Connor? That's a deadly assassin, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, he was crouched. He was still crouched down at like the foot of this guy's bed. This guy was like, who is in my room? Who goes there? Oh man, that was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like dressed like a clown, he's holding an axe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was some good moments. Danny Soders, with the drop in, B-Zero, Connie. It was a good episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, uh, the whole night was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so fucking fun, dude. The goddamn comedy jam at the end was so fucking fun. That must have been a blast. Tony Hinchcliffe. What time are you guys there till? Dude, Tony Hinchcliffe. Just tearing it up. He fucking sang System of a Down. I just changed my whole tune on the guy. Really? I mean, I didn't know him at all before that, but I just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He seemed dweener-y to me. He's not. He's just a man. Not at all. He's a great dude. It's funny. One system of a down song, I was looking at O'Connor like, yo, is Hinchcliffe the fucking man? Soder was standing by the stage like, looking at me like, yeah, see? He's a man. Yeah. Damn, white. Shocked me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that happened to me. That was a rough one. Right when I got there, Saturday night, a comedian came up to me that I know, and I've worked with. And he was like, Hey, Shane! And I was like, Hey, what's up, man? Cause I thought, it was all fans. It was all fans. It's like, when I got there, people were like, Hey, dude, could you sign this real quick? Could you take a fucking pic? I'm like, yeah, yeah, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was happy to do that, that was awesome. But then this guy came up that was a comedian and was like talking to me. He was like, anytime you're in Lancaster, let me know, like hit me up and we can do this fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Show her together, and he was like, what's your number? Let me get your number. And I was like, I'm not just gonna give my fucking number to you dude, just DM me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what? Who? Like I was like, oh fuck, he was like, he told me his name and I was like, oh Jesus Christ dude, I'm sorry. Yes, here's my number, my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry man, I'm so fucked up off these edibles. CBD edibles. Didn't even recognize you, bro. But no, the whole thing was awesome. Everyone was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna give you my fucking number. Oh, yeah, I remember you. What's up, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was some other stuff in the Green New Deal that she was tossing in. She tossed in like some equality shit about women and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I gotta see the science. Right now I think it's a bunch of, I think it's a croc. I think those scientists are fibbing, dude. A lot of people say that about the carbon stuff. A lot of man made, man made carbon, I mean it's small, let's not pretend it's not affecting it. I think humans are affecting the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's weird, dude. It's like a mini nuclear arms race. And the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the Republican party is somehow embraced. Cause do you have to pick sides on everything? I love that they've embraced fucking climate change as a hoax. Such a sick move, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember that? Yea. He's like, dude, it's fucking cold out, baby. Yo, my hands are cold as fuck on this snow, dude. Fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, the ocean's big, dude. Don't worry. Don't worry about it. Has to be bad. There's plenty of fresh water out there. Dude, that and they're like fracking- Don't let them-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that from? That's just from oil refineries blow up sometimes. Yeah, don't worry about it. Yeah, don't worry about it. Keep it moving, baby. Yeah, dude, there was, dude, you're just going to Chernobyl. There was an earthquake and a fucking oil refinery explosion like last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I know the GDP, dude, I'm like- You just know the number, you don't know anything about it. I know all about it. What about the cost? Like, what about our cost? What about everything? Dude, that's- What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' FBI's in my shit right now, cause I figured it out. Just my girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then get one of those, get a crane, a lift, and be like, now if you look, the chart goes all the way up here because of how much of a cunt you were being. Because you're a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty high. Pretty high actually. Pretty high amount of cunt, but nothing, you know, out of the ordinary. And then look at this. Look at this spike. That goes up there, huh? That was a week. A week straight. Now why do you think that was? And then look at this, back down. Now you're very remorseful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not cunty. Once the period ends, it's love time. Yeah man. Once that period goes down, they're like, I'm sorry, I love you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should keep a cycle, you should get an app for her cycle and then plan to be away from her every time she's on her period.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought about also like keeping an audio recorder on. I've, dude, I'm telling you, I've, I went through this. Me and Corp would break up every period. Every, once a month we would break up. And I'd be like, after five months, I was like, what do you think this is? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm, I'm so ashamed of my behavior when I'm fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that when you get older, like, every one of these cliche things is just totally true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, women on their period is a major problem. Stay away from them. They'll get ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get the impression back to me, of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, it was something that a girlfriend of mine was into, and I ended up jokingly saying that it was Native American gibberish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm clearly joking. I wouldn't actually demean someone like that. Who, your girlfriend or Native Americans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, and you called it Native American German origin. I had something I care. I was like, I'm just fucking around. I wasn't serious. Yeah. You weren't like getting your John Smith on being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wasn't like, shh, you need to quit all this bullshit, this Native American gibberish. I called it Native, I called it like yoga, Native American gibberish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking about, like, bad energy. You need to release all the bad energy that's floating around. It's out there. Like, that's ridiculous. Shut up about bad energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like stress and trauma stored in your hips. Yeaah. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's not to say that like, stress can, you know, muscle tension and shit like that can easily be stored in your hips. From stress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From very reasonable, like, you can explain what that is. It's not just bad energy floating in the air. Like, bad energy. And I was like, if you want to call it bad energy instead of like, stress, we could do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same thing. Stress is a real thing that causes health issues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then it's pheromones, it's not bad energy. Gotcha. But I understand the termina- we can call it that, but that's why it's a Native American gibberish. Because you're using spirituality instead of science on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't, I mean sure. I don't know what a rugged materialist is. But when it like, that's all I was saying. And I get it, like if you stretch your hips, you'll feel better. Sure. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I got fuckin' that lizard stretch where you put your fuckin' elbows down and put your leg the whole way up. Oh, I feel good. I'm like, I miss my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like, I was like, it just started from me being like, yeah, I don't know if that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was a fight. And then in that fight, I thought we were still kidding around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when I was like, this is all fucking gibberish. She's like, damn. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, but she's right on a lot of levels of that. Like, yoga's great. It is good. Do it. It feels good. Yeah. Makes you feel better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Relieves a lot of stress. Dude, when I, when I would do yoga for big guys out in the living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I destroyed the plane on the way to San Francisco that morning because I was drinking all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I woke up like three hours of sleep having just drank all night. Just farted the whole fucking six hour flight. I was like, dude, cause on a flight you can sneak farts easy. They could look at me and tell where the stench was coming from, but I'm a fucking clear target for farts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No way it was him. He's too professional. Dude, I was farting. At one point I farted and mentally blamed someone else. I was like, it fucking stinks in here. It's probably that lady. It was me. I was farting the entire flight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Yeah, I was hammered. Yeah, yeah, you were drinking all day. I like don't remember much of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's in the race. Everyone's in that now. Especially the younger generation of us. Yes. Like, younger than us is fucking nuts. The generation of just pure Instagram and pure social media importance is wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the prophet is gonna make sure that this lives on. For sure. So some fucking chill ass aliens are probably listening to this right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, humans can be this fucking chill, bro. Pass me that CBD that fuels our spaceship. Infinite CBD. Fuels ships. Yea dude. That's what Rob, Bob Lazar was looking for. Couldn't figure out the anti-gravity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Element 115 is just sick ass CVD that makes you fucking float. If you put it in the ship, the ship's like, I'm not fucking attached to anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, get high and think of that stuff. That's why I don't like getting high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can get high and think about dying. And like what that's gonna be like. And then when I'm high enough I can like fully realize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's easy, it's just what it was like before you were born. Well. It's like everything's gonna be going on and you're just not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're alright, like relax. What'd she say? She was alright, she was foreign, I was trying to fucking explain to her like, it's fine, everything's okay, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, the whole time, every time I'm flying I'm just like, well if I die I just need to accept it. Yea. Like it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I die, it'll be quick, especially on a fucking plane, but, the, however long it takes to scream the whole way down, like all those people on there fucking screaming, that would suck. That's the worst, I don't want to hear that, I don't want the pandemonium before I die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of just panic, of like women and screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny when you're younger to be like, yes, you get to have sex all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now my royal blood, like, there's a part of me that like, I wanna make sure she does not orgasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is about me, feeling good, and then be gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? I think it's still true, dude. I have to hold on to that theory. If women like sex, I'm like, ew. Ew, what's wrong with you? Ew, you should hate this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To create my boy, to create a son, dude. I create a son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's uhm, the dynamic fulfilling sex life is the thing that's not gonna be there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's something I think we need to come to terms with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the weird thing is that everybody's on this kick recently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, in my opinion, has been more like, we need to find someone who you fuck and it's so sick when you guys fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to find someone that you can fucking tolerate and raise a family with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might dude, I'm really- Would you allow your girl to go get fucked by someone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No more getting cucked. You can't get cucked. If your son's not fucking Eastern Mediterranean or whatever the fuck you are, you better find out if you're getting cucked. They can't cuck you anymore. Yeah. Is your son also a gull?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or a shirt, and just wear it out. Every time you hang out with her, just be like, well, I'm just big into this. I'm gonna get you in on this. I like genealogy. Yeah. Dude, but my thing is, is like... Dude, everybody that's into genealogy is afraid of the ultimate cock fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that'd be sick if you got ancestry and your hot ass daughter turns out to not be yours. Then you cuck the mom. Now you cuck the mom and that dad. You're talking about revenge porn, bro. Now we're talking reverse cuck, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only way you can break that cuck cycle. If you get cucked, you gotta fuck your hot kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have a cucked daughter, but then you, w-w-would you- Woah, dude, you gotta hold off, you're right though, you gotta wait until she's 18. For sure. The whole time. And she's like your little kid, bouncing on your lap, you make some eye contact with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna know the DOS for 18 years. You're talking about grooming, bro. Dude, I'm gonna groom this fucking hot ass kid. You're talking Woody Allen. Yes. Woody Allen did this. Woody Allen did this, except he, this wasn't a full cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I will, if, hypothetically, if I got cucked and the news, if I got the dossier from ancestry,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Presumably my wife would be like, oh, did you ever get to the results to that thing that we said? I'd be like, no, never saw it. Weird. Hm. She probably wouldn't be hounding you for it. She wouldn't double that. How about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I got this little daughter on my lap bouncing up and down. This isn't my kid. I'm just staring at that wife of mine, just like, hmm, what do you think of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then just slowly groom it. Just, you know, the hugs get a little tighter. As you get older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I would just work real hard on my like physique. I'd like make sure she was always fucking seeing me as like hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, oh my bad, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to leave this door unlocked. Just my hog, full hog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, you would have to cuck your wife and create an outside son. Bring him in. Like an assassin, dude. Fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have two families. Secret families, train that kid to be the hottest kid ever. Take him tanning, like literally be like a hardcore dad. Be like a full pageant dad, make him go to the gym and only do abs and curls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Create the cock daughter and your assassin son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then bring the baby to the wife and be like, look at this baby, do you know who this is? And then squeeze its head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then be like, oh, also, the last slide, be like, you guys have about 30 seconds to live. I just poisoned all you at the beginning of this presentation. Thank you, I was all of your dads, except yours, my hot daughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just be like, hey everyone, watch this crazy shit and blow your own fucking head off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better not. If you're a guy, you don't want to deep dive your baby's Instagram or Facebook, you don't want to go in there. You see, you're going to see some shit that you don't want to see. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ancestry, please tell me if I've been cocked. Highly likely. What if you haven't been cocked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if this is the one, like what if she's been fucking someone else but you haven't been cucked? No harm, no foul. That's what I'm trying to say. So women can cheat on you just not get pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get over the coming, dude. You need to fucking become- I'm over it. Dude, I thought you'd be on a higher realm than this. I am on a higher realm than this. Cause you're all, you're all come talk right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in the middle of a very serious cuck theory and cuck- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuck theory is, if, say you raise this, so you find out, you get ancestry.com. That's what we were talking about, the fear of cucking is gone now that ancestry.com exists. You cannot get cucked. You cannot get cucked into raising someone else's child. Which is the ultimate form of cucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is the ultimate fear of your wife or girlfriend getting fucked by someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we're worried about, so we're saying what would you do if you found out your, your kid in this, in this situation, your very hot daughter was not yours and you had in fact been cucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you keep that secret and raise this hot daughter to the age where you can legally fuck her in front of your wife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we should feed the cuck, the ultimate cuck child to them. Dude, I have a better- Chicken fingers, you secretly give them chicken fingers made out of baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You keep hitting and you keep feeding him like sweets. You have the dessert, the dessert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, what if the cuck song gets jacked and starts fucking you up? I know dude. But again, here's what I was thinking, I was hoping for a cuck daughter who ends up being hot, and then you get that news, and you're like, oh nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you could do? You could get so good at football that the country forgives you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you could do in order to cuck your wife? You know what you could do to cuck your wife? Time it perfectly. So you get another lady pregnant at the same time. When your wife gives birth, swap a room, toss that kid out the fucking window. Toss the other boy straight out, make her raise this other son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta dictate your life. Height? You think about it. Obviously I don't, but like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, Chris, I can't believe you said that. Yeah, why? You're like, what are we talking about? Are we talking about black people or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, sometimes the wife's too embarrassed to tell because that's her only source of income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you're poor enough. If you're poor, it's like I need somebody around. I'm not gonna tell this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like that. They do. They love that shit. Well it's also cause like- Seriously, you get in a hotel room? This is- I'm trying to fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you talking about sex is, you're up there with Gurman. Hold on, so what do you care about your- He's talking about the taste of pussy to me. He's talking- Yeah, just the musk coming off of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, what if your wife's the secret J? And that's why she's like, no, come on, we don't need to do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he was like, well, look at the households. It's probably 1%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The majority of people are pretty, the majority of people. That last scientist was probably like, they're not sampling the whites. We're more honorable than this. It's probably, we're so honorable, it probably knocks that 30%, down to about one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you don't know. You do have to take the baby out and then claim miscarriage to your husband. Yeah. And then keep it moving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't find someone you wanna fuck and like. Which, I agree, because if you're friends with a girl, you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't a fuckin' marriage about you guys, oh, you have to be cool and have sex and fuckin' do it. It's like, this is hard work, it's gonna suck, but you gotta fuckin' do it. But where can you crack one off? You can crack one off, dude. Ask the priest, he'll be like, dude, it's wrong, but go fuckin' crack one off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're allowed to fuck other chicks if you're a dude. Okay. Guys are allowed to cheat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fucking Quran. He wrote it down, he was like, girls can't cheat. In the Quran, in the Quran, in the holy Quran, uh, it is written.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guys can fuck chicks. It is. You can have a fucking harem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't get cucked, and you got a kid playing a flute upstairs, but you're still like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except me. No, you're so happy. You got the treats. You get delicious sweet treats. You got a lady you kinda like. She's like sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's weird. That's weird of you. Why? To attach those like morals to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, almost forever. Is this- Toil. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you get tested after you should have gotten chlamydia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, that is what needs to happen. If you're gonna, if you're gonna live on the edge like that in DataHua, you need to just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever happens at- it's like being on the plane when it starts- the turbulence kicks. It's like if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she would say you hit her, so we should probably stop joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They broke up before that, but then we're kinda teetering on getting back together. But a nice fun trip with your friends, that's a guaranteed break up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's still left? Yeah, dude. You get some leftovers though. You get some back recycled. You get some new baes that are coming back, coming hard out of a divorce, coming flying out of the chutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeah, you gotta just continue to fuck young chicks. Yeah? Till you die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh don't- it's a- it's a nightmare. It's an absolute nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would end, I know you would end up getting tricked into a ladyboy. With your luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Whatever man, I'm gonna give a fuck. I hear you on that, a lot of people get upset. If I got tricked by a ladyboy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, it's on my dick. I'd be like, once they come, I'd be like, WOAH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, what the fuck am I doing? But I would never like, everybody like attacks the ladyboy or punches the ladyboy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously it leads to the fucking 15, 16 year old boys that are, you know, that's when it's not a pedophile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We're going long as fuck, huh? Yeah, it's two hours. I just saw the time, it's late. Oh yeah, what you gotta do? Nothing. Alright, nothing, I can keep talking. I just wasn't sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did the Patreon, well we did that episode live at the, at the Skankfest and we thought we'd be able to put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Regular cast, but I think we're gonna need to page that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're gonna throw this one on, I drove down from New York today, a little emergency cast, so we can get it out early to you guys. And, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking forward to that dude. It's going to be fun. God damn it. I'm looking for this guy. He asked for a shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wanted me to call, like, Peep, shout out Peepee from Arkansas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go get the fucking peas, bruv. Should I get the fucking peas and honey over in London, bruv? Go get the fucking food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so he went down, he got kicked out and got like 30 acres?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big, big time people died. It's like yeaah, just got caught in a cold rain. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well at this point all those people from the potato famine in the 40s, right, were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it also good politics to just like, kinda be like, fuck England?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is just... Um, imagine having that much charisma. You let the guards...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it night time? I would think they would just like, it would be a group thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It also goes to show you just how, like the power of like a young bae, being exiled in fucking Tasmania and you just start fucking an 18 year old and you're like, uuuh, it's not that bad. Yea, I mean. There's also something extra hot that it's like in a, in a vendemon, it's like a prison colony thing and you're all trapped there, there's something hot about that. He built like a nice house, he has a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, also it's like, look around you idiots, we're not gonna find Duke's daughters, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a high offense back then. If you got lowly sniz, people were like, dude, what the fuck's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back then, if you told your wife you lived on 70 acres of land, you're like, yo, I'm out, I'll be back. It's like, what you gonna fucking write a letter to somebody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's getting that gold? Irish prisoners? England, but yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there, you, it's like rather than you breaking your word, you kind of like a mastermind more than like just a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I must have had a lot of like rapists on the payroll down there. There's a ton of rapists. You think that was like back then, that was like a cool thing to do? What? Just be like a rapist?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it was cool. I don't think it was ever cool, but it was just like, hey, we got these guys. They do this kind of damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is fucking weird, yea. Well, I guess there's only a couple of players in the stowaway game, too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine how many fucking sharks there were in that area before like they even started hunting and killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably pretty much just as many, dude. They're probably, they're probably not even touching them. Oh, that's what I'm saying. I bet there was tons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So were the brothers also trying to get out or were they? No, the brothers were staying. Yea, they were just like transporting. The brothers were just helping them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They could've just been like going back and forth on that straight, just picking off whoever comes by.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. It was also like, he probably had the upper hand on his wife being like, you shouldn't fucking steal shit, you fucking idiot. God, look what you did. And he was like, we actually escaped. Well, I don't know, that sounds a little bit like they almost like, planned it. They were like, fucking London sucks. Or wherever they were, Dublin. And they were like, why don't you just, you steal a bonnet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna start, I'm gonna stop talking shit on like convenience stores and like gas station snacks and shit. It's like, oh my god. Gotta appreciate them. It's like, why does all the food on the highway suck? It's like, yea, it used to be like you just walk, eat your friends, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Fuck it, dude. Thank God for EasyPass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. The Forty Thieves. Imagine, imagine...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not looking good for the governor. He's like, they tricked me, god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I suppose the money hit that place and they were just like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mitchell is like excited to finally have some people he can shit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perhaps no class of our fellow citizens has carried this prejudice against color to a point more extreme and dangerous than have our Catholic Irish fellow citizens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think it's pretty big. I think like in the early 1900s there was like 8 or 9 million people. It was like there was more people in New York City than there are now. Yea. Really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause everyone was living, everyone was living in the city, there was no like suburbs. You know what I mean? So it's like during the day in New York, there's like 28 million people in there, but only like 8 actually I think live in the city. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would the Americans want to do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to fight, a parade. No, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the only thing I'm saying is, yeah, we're boys with th-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he have like a tight crew, or did he have like a big group of slaves he was bringing from? I don't know. It was just like a housekeeper kind of stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yea, I went to high school, it was great, grand, alright, I saw like, it was like a couple months ago, I saw her, she was like post, yea, it had to be great, great, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she like was posting stuff on Instagram or something about just like apologizing for, she like gave like a speech apologizing for her grandfather and like the decisions he made. Yeah. Spoiler!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's how, that was a loophole basically. Well, property can't sue. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's like you can't even file suit because you're not a person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, imagine being a person and then having people be like, oh yea, you're not a person. And you'd be like, wait, what? Then what was I just doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kinda thought that too. Wait, who's the, who am I, who were we thinking of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I bet Harriet Tubman was like, yeah, you're gonna bring the fuzz down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that must have been terrifying for Douglas to be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oooooh. Fuck, that's awesome. And they went and beat the fuck out of the south after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Must've been crazy having Robert E. Lee watch that, processing all those events and being like, what an idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are our lads down there. That's a mess when you take it all in the context of like them starting in Ireland, getting butt-fucked by England, coming over here, and they're just falling into little social circles, and like, we're gonna fucking kill you, and they're like, what the fuck? Yeah man. Yeah, I'm interested to know what...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What convinced them to do that? Cause it seems like they go confederate all the way. Aside from the fact that there's a shit ton of Irish people in the north.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like being impressed into the army, but there's something else. They called it something else, where they were just like, you're in, and you don't have a choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Zimmerman's suing the family for $100 million. Well the weird part was, well, there's a couple things. You know he sold his gun afterwards for $150,000. The gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin auctioned off for I think $150,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Nevermind. Wait, Dreams of My Father. That's a book Obama wrote. Yeah, that's a book Obama wrote. Okay, nevermind. So, my bad. There's another, a guy did a documentary about Obama being the son of like a communist, not his dad. The guy, the one they say is his dad in Dreams of My Father, this guy, I think, no it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did another documentary saying like, the key witness was Trayvon Martin's girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is not who it is, and he allegedly proves this to be the case, that they used a fake witness in this. And then they show the, uh, the 911 tapes, and apparently they've been cut up and spliced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that was, he's suing his family, but the weirder part is that there's, I was watching the thing they're saying like, people who like, these are like measured individuals who watched it and they're like, yea I know it's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glenn Lowry and John McWhorter are like, they're like university professors. They're not, they don't get sucked up into this shit. The worst part is they're like, they're like, dude the worst part is we're just kinda like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, I hope this isn't true, but you watch it and you're like, it might be true. Yeah, cause that was their latest podcast, right? It was like, revisiting Trayvon. Dude, that's a good series, two-parter. That would be crazy if it was like, who's that guy who like, uh, they accused of killing his wife? And everyone was like, oh, he's guilty. He like, dyed his hair blonde and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys remember this? Yes. And it was like, I just assumed that he was guilty and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But apparently, like, then there was a documentary where he was like totally innocent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they, if they were on the front lines, they were just the Irish, I guess we'll find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good, man. Yeah, not bad. I'm on break for school, so that's been good. I just, uh, submitted a paper earlier. It was nearly rejected, but the professor allowed it to pass, which was funny for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, technically I'd be a licensed clinical social worker after two years of supervised practice. So, I handed in a paper. Again, I considered it a masterpiece. She considered it barely passing, so it was like alright. We'll agree to disagree on that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, she didn't like the content. But either way, I'm kind of, you know, that whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Process, that whole part of it, so like, social work is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it would be like kind of psychodynamic, typically it's like psychodynamic therapy, but with a strong bent towards like kind of like sociological kind of macro concepts, if that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup, I would need to do two years where I'd be, like, you know, I'd have to pay a licensed social worker to supervise my cases and after two years I could potentially get a license. Although it's been brought up to me that I might not get approved because of my, uh, malicious online presence. So, we'll see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, honestly. Well, no, not really, because they, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I guess it is, but they told me that, you know, they told the class that you can just call, anyone can call themselves a psychotherapist. So, it's like, I just wouldn't be able to panel for insurance, which would suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's true. That is true. But yeaah, that's the thing that kinda sucks. So we'll see, like I said, I'm gonna sit down for the- I'm gonna sit down for the licenses and all that stuff, cause I- I just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the, the, like the code of ethics is the mo- I like, I had to write a report on the code of ethics, like, which is hilarious, it's like fucking like I'm in sixth grade. Uhm, but I had to do a report on the code of ethics in order to stay in school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, they're just like, it's like the most flimsiest, like, weirdest, subjective stuff you can think of, and then they're like, at the end of it, it comes down to like, and these matters will be decided by, you know, the bodies who are in charge, and it's, it's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I, it's just crazy. The, uh, the ethical considerations are just like, it's like, be good. And it's like, okay, like, very good. Am I good or not?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you say, just to clarify, when you say personality disorder, are you talking like borderline personality or like character disorder? I know what you're talking about, I just want to make sure it's clear for people who are listening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, no, that makes p- did you ever- have you ever read the l- the road less traveled?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty good. It's an old book, I think it was written in the 70's by a psychiatrist and he talks about the different, like people who are character disordered quote unquote versus like neurotics and neurotics tend to take excessive responsibility where people who have character disorders or typically personality disorders tend to take zero responsibility.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was saying the same thing, like people with character disorders are like the hardest people to work with because unless they take


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like, unless they enter in, they, they grant themselves some sort of locus or control or responsibility over their own lives. It's basically pointless on some level. I mean, it's not pointless because you should always try, but it can be futile in those cases.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially in 15 minutes. Yeah, especially in 15 minutes. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, so this is like, I've been working with, so I work with children. Like, uh, you know, like high schoolers pretty much. And some middle schoolers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing that, uh, listen, dude, exactly, I've been thinking exactly what you're, or exactly what you're saying is something I've been thinking about, cause like there was a kid I was working with who was, uh, let's say, I'll try to mix up his, say he was afraid of trees, right? Or no, no, it wasn't trees. Say he was afraid of like looking at, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't a school. I'm trying to- I'm trying to get- I guess, you know, I guess I can say it. He's a- Say he's afraid of hospitals, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time due to a traumatic experience in his life, he's afraid of hospitals. Every time he passes one, he sees a hospital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next week comes in, he goes, oh yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I can look at hospitals now. And it's like, well, like, how? You know, I'm like, hell yeah, I'm the best. I'm like, well, what happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, well, I tried the week before, I couldn't do it. Then the next week I was doing it, my friend asked me, he was like, hey, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, and he explained like, you know, I'm, I'm scared of hospitals. This is why I'm scared of hospitals. And I've been told I like try to look at them as long as I can. And his friend was like, oh, I'll do it with you. And this kid, he's like, after that, my friend was doing it with me. It was totally fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like no therapist can, no therapist can reproduce that. That's something irreproducible in therapy that people just like don't think about. How is that so strong to have a friend do something with you? And you have to pay a guy 175 bucks to listen to you. I'm just like I said, I'm kind of like, I'm at the point where I just want to work on developing peer counseling networks because it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't buy that like, you know, I think it's more of a personality type than like a trained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I guess over hours and hours of experience you do get proficient in like how to help people but like I don't know man I think there's a lot of people who probably sit there for 20 years getting $175 an hour not really producing any sort of tangible benefit or very minimal. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the majority, especially the people who are mandated therapy where they don't get to choose who they go to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just have to show up and like, they're just matched with some random person who they probably or might not like very much. So it's like, yeah, in that case, it can kind of be a disaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So have you done like a lot of training in like trauma theory and like toxic stress and all that stuff? No, zero dude.