[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is somebody half-assing a fucking meat portion?


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[Assistant] And now you're putting me in the position where I gotta say, hey, come on. Why don't you give me a fucking portion, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm not paying for guac, but I am in there. I fucking, dude, you taught me how to chipotle. I'm, dude, I'm telling you. This was pretty much like dancing with wolves. I just showed up thinking I knew culture. Matt fucking indoctrinated me into his world where he's fucking stripping the tatanka of everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're paying. Exactly. Possible. But. But. If you say why don't you give me a little more. C'mon man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you have to be, you have to be charming and charismatic. We don't need a bunch of you fucking white retards that listen to this going out there like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, no, you gotta have some fucking level of charisma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you get, use a racial slur but get it wrong. Say hey listen you dumb chink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A black teen with one ear of a headphone in, just listening to fucking Fetty Wap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like dude, just please give me a lot of food. And then, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's nice. I like it. I love it dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get tested first. You're too frivolous with your money to be that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Lord of Chipotle last time we were there. I got chips. I thought you were eating chips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tell the people about the taco shells. That's the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you actually, you can name it. You can just be like, give me four. They'll give you four.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, alt right rant up top to now it's just like, and that's how you maximize your experience at Chipotle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are, yeaah, for sure. We got candles, mattresses, we got an air mattress, I eat beans. If I get my hands on 20 bucks, I ball out, lose it immediately on takeout food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good thing you got that acoustic guitar sitting right next to it to equalize it. I have to, dude. You have to, that's not, you can't even play it. Matt just has an acoustic guitar sitting next to his air mattress. Strictly, Matt literally can't play guitar. It's just there to counteract the pussy. Make me shred right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can definitely shred. Definitely do not shred on the podcast. I will shred on the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fucking nice air mattress. It's my third one, I keep fucking breaking them, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chug your fucking, chug your study on the cat. Finish the whole thing. Finish the whole thing, dude. Finish the whole thing. Is that empty? What do you think, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might want to not give out this info, dude. The shatheads will show up. Let em go. Let em feast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. We should have a fucking banquet. We should. Actually, we'll just arrange a live cast of Helium. Yea, that'd be sick. Live cast will be lit. I think the Shadheads would, would show up. I'm gonna get it catered though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Maggie loves the podcast, but he's like, I can't share it. Yeah. Because it's too bad for business. Dude, what's this fucking, this is toxic masculinity, dude. This is hardcore shit. Love it, dude. This is too hard for a lot of you, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Softies out there. Although, if they're listening to this. They love it, dude. Swags on 100. This is a roller coaster. This is fucking Lansing, Michigan, Savannah, Georgia. Turn the fuck up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] African girl troop. I will say this. White people are definitely more woke than Africans. 100%. A million percent. Like we're definitely less racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, also, Jesus Christ, pray to Christ she does not listen to this fucking thing. Why? That's your fucking impersonation of her? I don't mean, I'm obviously, you sound like Dikembe Mutombo. Well dude, that's what she fucking sounds like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. You should go back and every time you've referenced Mortal Kombat, toss one of those in. Just toss that in every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, while she was dropping racial knowledge? Dude, it was so funny. That's sick! They are usually very small.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why does your girlfriend sound Korean at the end of that? He has very big. She might be making fun of him. She has a big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Let me get one more beer in. One more PB. Once I finish this, the cast is over. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should drink one more sidey. Nope. I wanna see that ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about just straight up ass showing. I showed my ass. Your hair is wild too right now. My hair is always wild. You look like fucking Amadeus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's it. Well anyway. Holy shit. What a fucking. Is this a cast man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. I, uh, posted that sick picture of you blazing Kron online. Dan Soder liked it. Whoo, baby. I instantly texted Dan Soder. Hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I told him he was fucking gay. Hell yea. I said, yo, you're the man, but you're kinda fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll text Rich of Awesome and be like, what's up dude? He'll just be like, please stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I didn't, I didn't with them. I did hard with Burt Kreischer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. That was, that'll be embarrassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she fucking, I took that fucking, I took allergy medicine. Okay. I was like asleep. I was just walking around asleep basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we went out to dinner and I left my fucking keys in the car, left the car running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I definitely left the keys in the car. I'm pretty sure I left it running when we walked back to it. But anyway, while we were out at dinner...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck dude, what a stupid story. I feel like there was something to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, that you got it? She was like mad at me that I was tired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can relax and eat the fucking chicken sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listeners, all you have to do if your bae's acting up, grab the back of her arm, hard as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No Smurfbite, dude. Smurfbite's a fight. Smurfbite, not tap. Those are the two fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could walk up to me and call my mom a bitch and I'd be like, sweet. But if you smurf bite me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To babes? Yea, yea, yea, you can't do that to babes. Just a back of the arm grab? Back of the arm grab and lift. You gotta grab it, grab right behind. You grab right behind the elbow and you fucking lift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the fuck, I hope the listeners understand the dummy you're talking about. You know the like armless, legless, jacked dude? He looks like the fucking Russian from Rocky IV a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and you punch him and he's got like a human, he's got like human flesh. Yeah. If you just put a wig on that bad boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what every, that's what every man, they'll never tell you the secret to a true, true great marriage. It's they all have a dummy of their wife in their basement that they just fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna regret releasing this tomorrow. I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and I'm gonna say, I'm gonna stare at my ceiling and say, fuck dude. No you won't. That was too hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should call it. Also, share this with cool people, not fucking narcs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta start promoting shows so more chat heads can come out. That's true. I don't have anything this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and when, uh, June 3rd, that's the one we need to promote. What is that? June 3rd is digital graffiti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] June 3rd, Helium Comedy Club, Philadelphia. If you mention the cast, you get in for free. Go to that. That's a good one. June 3rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, see that's the thing, we don't need them to go to any other shows. Digital Graffiti's the one dude. Digital Graffiti's the one you wanna go to. I'm gonna plug other ones as they come. You can watch me probably get fired from opening for Aerie Spears in two weeks. Yeah, that'd be pretty sick. I'm definitely gonna get fired from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, uh, but yea, June 3rd, that's the one you want to come out to. Anyway, good cast. Matt, you're the best, dude. Nobody can stop us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody can fucking stop us, dude. The alt-pussies tried to stop us. They failed. Fucking lady from fucking philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's why cuckoldry porn is so hot. It's like dude, you're a maniac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found that, oh no, I found it on Facebook. Somebody posted it on Facebook and was like, look how sick this video is. It's called a LGBTQ alphabet. And, uh, you should check it out. It's actually really well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really powerful stuff. Very powerful. Very...


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[Assistant] Fucking powerful. It's really cool to watch this group, interpretive dance, all these gay words.


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[Assistant] Hop on in. Yeah, man. You gotta, dude, don't ever fuck with my femme energy again.


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[Assistant] So it's every letter, it's like, A is ally, B is bisexual. Actually, I bet I could do that. Holy fuck, let me see. C is, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming out. Cuckled. Oh, coming out. Coming out. D is drag. E is exhibitionist. F. Fem. Faggot. No, Matt.


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[Assistant] It's something like that. It's like, I don't know. Heteroflexible. I...


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[Assistant] M. Mask. I'm so masked. I just flexed. My triceps jumped out of my shirt right now.


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[Assistant] No dude, I've never been one to fucking be caged in by normative bullshit like clothes.


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[Assistant] Some of them are, some of them are weird, it's like not knowing. Nihilistic pussy? Oh, uh. One might be not knowing.


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[Assistant] I forget. Damn, it's fucking amazing I thought I could do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vogue. Uh, well hold on. T. Trans. Trans, actually, yeah. T, dude. They didn't use that fucking word, dude. Fucking T's, dude. They did. Bunch of fucking T-shirts. T. The one that ends with someone being like... Oh yeah, T was strong. That was strong. T was a beautiful fucking... You would have loved her. Nah, dude. It's a lady boa. You didn't like her? She's too skinny. It's an Asian lady boa. Uh, T. You. V. Vogue. Dude, Vogue's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch the video LGBTQ Alphabet. It's powerful stuff. It is, it's very powerful. If I was fucking gay, I'd be like, yeah, this is pretty cool. Yeah, it'd be fun to watch. It's funny though that they have to, S was like S and M. Yeah. Like it's funny that it's like a lesbian, you're on the same fucking scale as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kink. Like I like to fucking put leather all over myself and get whipped like a dog.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I'm saying like if you're just like, I know a lot of lesbians that are like totally normal. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't want to be a part of the alphabet here where fucking, in the same alphabet, it's like, yeaah, lesbian. You know what else is the exact same as lesbian? Kink. Yeaah. You know where you tie people up and shove shit in their fucking, like, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the closest you can come to the fucking LGBTQ alphabet. Other than the fact that you're femme as fuck. When you put on your heels, no one can fucking-


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[Assistant] If you say something I agree with or disagree with, the next line better be a fucking apology. Really? Or a fucking headlock. That's mask. That's fucking two lines, dude. That's mask. Everybody gets two sentences. First one, if I disagree,


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[Assistant] Number two, better be an apology or you're getting a fucking knuckle sandwich.


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[Assistant] Classic fam. I'm feeling powerful and you can't fuck with me, dude. Dude, well that, this all goes back to you being a fucking mage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Necromancer. That's true. You're always into the dark magic. I am into dark magic. So you love all this fucking changing gender, fluidity, all that stuff. You love that you can transform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, every night in Harrisburg ends with a solid pepper spray and everybody runs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What time is it right now? It's like 2 o'clock in the morning. It's like fucking 2 a.m. Yep, we're not going to bed. On a fucking Tuesday night, Wednesday morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, we need this to be done for your little old fucking commute. Yep. So that you have something powerful to get you through the work day on Wednesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you listen to the cast, you know you're getting close to the end of this horrific week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Midway through the week you listen to, you listen to two powerful alphas. True. Discuss life. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're almost in the clear, it's almost weekend time. You know what happens on the weekend, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go down to second street, you get fucking pep sprayed. Get the old pep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck this shit dude, I'm gonna learn Spanish and move to Spain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's kinda really suck having, especially cause almost every boss is kind of a fucking idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where you're starting, yea, yea, because now you're looking at like a 40 year old, 50 year old who's like barely in control, like you're their only minion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just started working. God damn. So like they're at their pinnacle of their career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you show up and you're like, dude, I'm just trying to read Hemingway and move to Spain, bro. There's so much more to life. He's like, yeah, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My wife fucked her fucking crossfit trainer. Oh man. Took the kids. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, again dude, I kinda have decent memories of my job. I sold cars, it was actually kinda fun. Some days, some days were fun.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I did that too. And that, there was nothing good about that. I worked for the state in an office. Good God. And that, and I mean I got to go on the road a little bit during the week, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was interviewing a kid who was like, yeah, my dad raped me and I ended up raping my sister and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, so nice to be out of the office. This is so much better than fluorescent lights. Yeah, really. Iridescent, or whatever the fuck they are. Yeah, fluorescent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fucking, that, that's the worst, that, that, uh, that ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, you know what, now that I'm thinking about it, pretty much all my friends bet on sports. It's a blood pumping dude. Betting on sports is fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys wanna see something real cool? Check out Salinger. It's like, dude, these are fucking kindergartners.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out that book that has like fuzz and 3D pop ups. It's very deep. Yeah, if you're a male kindergarten teacher, you're not a threat to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I hate it. Ah, nevermind. God damn it, dude. Chalk hands is great. Chalk hands is a derogatory term for professors who have never spent a fucking day of their life working. They went to school for their entire life and then stayed in school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have been a high school professor. Or college, college professor, excuse me. High school history teacher, college history teacher. I would have been down with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you, but I'm saying, is the formula for us both like, X amount of CITES, no matter what, the conversation circles back to being like, 17 year olds are hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Primarily. Not because of actual talent you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would rather work in college so you could fuck the kids legally? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what I would have done had it not been, I think so. I would have been a psychologist. I would have been a killer professor, dude. I would have been a psych. I would have gotten fired right now. Today's climate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, have we, uh, have we addressed our Hitler followers? No, we didn't. Okay, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this happened. We, uh, as, as you all know our podcast is gathering a real, real head of steam right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just steaming right to long. It is, dude. Everybody's trying to get a piece of this cast right now. Turns out, August 11th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, how about this? This is big news everybody. Breaking news. I forgot all about this, holy shit. So August 11th, at Helium Comedy Club, we're doing our first live podcast. 10pm. We're following John Lovett's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at 10pm, yeaah, we're after John Lovitz goes first. And then the dogs come out. Wow. 10pm on a Friday night, August 11th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We desperately need you to come to this. Yeah, that'd be nice. If we could get like 15 to 20 of you out for this. Yeah. We'll, we'll sell this place out. It's not asking too much. Yeah. Maybe 50 of you. Let's get 50 of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And there's a lot of, uh, there's a lot of good people that we're gonna have. So we're gonna kind of, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we can a little bit. We can preempt, I mean, let's just be honest about it. True. We can preemptively, uh, so we're gonna, what we're gonna do is, uh, we're gonna have a bit of a showcase also. It's not just gonna be just a podcast. Me and Matt are gonna,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Discuss things the way we do. Sure. Matt'll probably say some gay shit. No, I won't. Get the people fired up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got uh, we got the Lord, John McKevies. John McKeever, slinging about, dude. Old Butts. Old Timmy Butterly, coming around. We got some good, now these are all guests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, said yes today, but that changes. That happens. It's not a big deal. And also, super secret guest, Dan Soder. Wow. Fresh off of fucking hot Comedy Central special. Dude. He's got a Netflix special coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, dude. He also wrote female Ghostbusters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I mean, the show is going to be fucking sick. Also, we're going to, we're going to try to work on some sort of discount for CITES.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doc, if you're not there, never listen to the podcast again, dude. Yep. Jack and the boys, if you're not there. God damn it. You guys are frauds. Sons of bitches. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so back to the main board. Oh god man, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joined based off this podcast. He listened to this and there's a thread on the podcast where we talk and discuss things about the cast and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came on and wrote a beautiful review of the podcast. Absolutely spot on. Exactly everything that I was going for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I copied it and sent it to Matt and I was like, look at this shit, man, this guy's, he's all in dude. He fucking gets it. He was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, everybody's a pussy in comedy right now, these two are the only ones fucking doing it right. And he was like, hard times create fucking hard men. And these guys, like, all this fucking crazy shit that I was like, yes dude, this is a fucking real fan, this is good shit. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He started chatting with other people a couple posts later and he's talking about a compound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compound really fucking set the alarms off for a lot of people. Uh, he said something about a compound and people started asking questions. And then it turned out this guy, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our number one fan was a white supremacist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are great. I love you guys. You got the proudest fucking history ever. And everybody was in the audience like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do. I am number one, dude. This guy fucking gets it. I'm gonna vote for him, dude. Fuck this other guy who was like, hey, we got a lot of problems we need to fix. Fuck that. Hitler came in and was like, you guys are the fucking shit, dude. Fucking tear this shit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he did it. That's how this poster got me going, dude. He logged on and was like, dude, these are the, these two are fucking geniuses. And I was like, yes, this guy gets it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, at the end of his screen name was 1488.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, for those of you who don't know, I, I, I knew it was something, which is why I googled it. But I knew it was something. So fourteen is like the fourteen words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Along the lines of like, we need to create a better world for white children and white women, like crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then he even, after, after he was discovered, not discovered, I mean he kinda fuckin' came right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I love how he put it, make my unpopular views. Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. He was like, sorry, I re- I- I can't be in this message board anymore due to my unpopular views. Yeaah. And like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody was like, you fucking racist. And he was like, I'm not a racist. Racists are, they, they brag about what their ancestors accomplished. They're disgusting people. And I was like, damn dude, that's a weird fucking guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a slippery fellow, no doubt. He is. I mean, right when he hit me with the racist, racists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brag about their ancestors accomplishments. I was like, yeah they do. This guy gets it. Yeah dude, every time he said something I was like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All Hitler numbers, dude. I know, just drop that HH. Drop that shit, dude. Yeah, that Hitler stuff sucks. Hitler was a fucking... dork. Yeah. He's an art nerd. He was an art nerd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I know, he knows. He knows where we stand on this whole thing. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shoot a white guy, shoot a bunch of white targets with regular sized noses. Alright, I know you, I see you drawing that fucking greater than symbol on that thing's face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That's true dude, that's very Catholic of you to love all people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other than the first 12 minutes of this podcast where you gay bashed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If everybody in that video that we watched today, if everybody from the LGBTQ alphabet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Equinox video sent us a fucking, or like one guy, like the long haired white guy that was dancing around, prancing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Fuckin' people. Yeah, if you're gonna like celebrate kink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chuck a fat. Chuck a fat in there. Chuck some fucking pudgy boys in. That's true. Kink is alright, I'm down with it, but don't criticize wing eating. What if the whole video was just fat people? Then it would be the goat. That would be the greatest video of all time dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good God. Did we already go through the book club for supremacists on this one? We did it, but we gotta, we're gonna start a program. So here's the program. Yep. For old 1488 and the boys. Yeah. This is what you need to do. First book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom Sawyer. Yup. Huck Finn. Yup. Get it going. Get some, get some fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, then, the next book you need to read is, uh, Uncle Tom's Cabin. That'll slowly knock you out of it. Trust me, there's gonna be some n-words in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna wanna go to, what was it, to Kill a Mockingbird. Kill a Mock. That's gonna, that's gonna be the change. Yea, that'll get you. That's gonna be the big change. You'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skeeter's Blues, that's an ease, that's a very nice ease into black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're gonna not like him, but then you're gonna respect him a little bit. Yea, you will. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rocky 4. Rocky 2. Okay. With their pals. Yeah. They're palling around. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna pick up an AR-15 and start treading on people. You will. So skip Rocky 3, go straight to 4, and you get to watch a fucking American beat up some Russians. Exactly. After, also you get to watch a white guy defend his black friend's honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the program, dude. Now you're free of your fucking dumb shit. Mark that down. That's the program.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also, maybe, uh, pick a sports team other than the New England Patriots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but I'd rather have a fucking quiet quarterback that sucks than a fucking quarterback that's a cunt that sucks. Ah, sorry for calling him a cunt, but you get it.


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[Assistant] I mean, he's, he played a little bit and displayed that he's kind of capable. Actually, no, I think Kaepernick's pretty.


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[Assistant] What was three? Kill a Mockingbird. Kill a Mockingbird. Doug, there's a big jump in culture. Skeeter, he's blue, you don't know what's going on. Skeeter's blue, and then Rocky, one, two, skip three. Definitely. If you don't skip three, you're gonna end up...


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know what you had to do. There's gonna be a fucking Oklahoma City if you don't fucking skip three. You're gonna make a vey out.


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[Assistant] That's true. Cause white guys are fucking gay. Do you know that?


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[Assistant] I was at a coffee shop. So? Well I didn't wanna say I was at a coffee shop.


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[Assistant] Because my friends call me fucking gay for being at a coffee shop. But, I like looked around at all the white people and I was like, I don't know man. You really trying to make a world better for white kids?


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[Assistant] Well, they're chillin' pretty hard. They're not fuckin' special, these white kids. They're fuckin' just as gay as anybody. Yeah, 100%. They'll just make a world better for everyone.


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[Assistant] Except, I don't get it. What? Nothing, I was joking. Ah, is it fucking around?


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's, there's definitely like- Like go to a college campus and sit there and be like, we need to make a world better for white kids. It's like- It's like, come on bud. These guys fucking suck too. The fuck, arguably- Nah, slow down. Nothing worse, yeah.


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[Assistant] I don't know, they're brutal dude. In the ranking system, when there's like a pack of bros, pretty bad. Pretty bad.


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[Assistant] It's like, I eat Nantor cafes, but I'm pretty much always wearing like a West Virginia pullover.


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[Assistant] I eat at fuckin' uh, Saxby's sometimes too. That's a little outdoor cafe.


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[Assistant] Westchester on that main street. Yeaah. There's a bunch of out, like literally. Like trucks and buses. Seat next to the fucking street. Ugh. You're separated by like a flower pot.


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[Assistant] Hottest fuck. Our dimes, dude. Yes. If you're ugly, you tuned out after like two episodes. You listen to whatever.


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[Assistant] It is different, is it greed or is it being a fucking complete alpha?


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, if you're eating sweets and treats, it's not a good look.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not gonna listen to like somebody fat like, uh, like whine about it being the root of all their problems.


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[Assistant] I don't like hearing that. It's, they're, they're guts not the real problems, it's their fucking wicked ways. But if it's like, I mean, I'm a fucking big guy, I'm not like, uh,


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[Assistant] But you're fucking stout. Yea, but I'm not gonna fucking like...


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[Assistant] If somebody fat shamed me, I'd be like, yeah, who the fuck are you, dude? Suck my dick. Oh. But there's a difference. That's your regal name.


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[Assistant] Wine. I think those are the fats you're worried about. That's what I'm talking about. Or like the people who are like...


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[Assistant] And then being like, I don't get it, and I'm like, why is people mean to me? Yeah. It's like, well- And I'm not even mean, but it's like- It's the sweet treats. That's the root of the problem here.


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[Assistant] It's like, what do you choose here? Tell your date that, like, you went to Drexel or tell your date you didn't believe in germs for a year.


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[Assistant] That's good. Dude. It's a good way to live. I command you, you're fucking...


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[Assistant] You'd like it. What is it? It's about a fucking John Goodman's survivalist.


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[Assistant] Really? It's gonna fucking bunker underground. That's all I want? Yea, you gotta check that out. God damn. That's actually a movie for you. You're gonna love that. I'm gonna check that out. Anyway, uhm.


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[Assistant] Yea man, I don't have, I don't have a problem with, uh,


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[Assistant] People who really care about their appearance. A ton. I really dislike them.


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[Assistant] They're to me worse. At least a fat is out there just like, look, I don't give a fuck.


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[Assistant] There was a guy pounding some fucking sweet treats.


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[Assistant] He's got the craving for some DQ. Some fucking little debbies. Yep, he needs a bunch of crumpets.


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[Assistant] I can't believe you texted somebody that you liked saying the name Wendy.


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[Assistant] If I send like a sexual text, I'm, I'm immediately taken out of it.


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[Assistant] I'll tell you what, it's hard to be a fucking white guy seducing people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're gonna have to fuckin' send a picture of your fuckin' dick and be like, hey mommy. You can bite your knuckle. Oh yeah, as a fuckin' just a white accountant, you know how hard it is to fuckin'... Well, I mean... Properly seduce. Do I have to say it?


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[Assistant] You know what's funny? I was just, this is the first time I've ever thought about this, and maybe this is a dumb take, cause I was thinking about Tom Hardy and, uh, uhm, The Revenant, how he says the N-word a bunch.


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[Assistant] Does he? Yea, he calls Indians tree n-words. Okay.


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[Assistant] And we all just, like, if a white actor says the n-word in a movie, we're like, nah, that's pretty good. It's a good movie.


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[Assistant] Yeah, okay. Leo in... Good God in Django. It's like nice, but then Bill Maher says it in a joke and we're like, FIRE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!


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[Assistant] What? He saw the show. Bill Maher? Yea. He's on the fucking cusp. Dude, he's on the fucking ropes.


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[Assistant] The sharks, the fucking gay sharks are circling. Now look, I get it. I understand the other side of the argument that I just made. My argument was kind of stupid, but there's just something there to that, that it's like, why is that profession? Cause acting is a profession.


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[Assistant] Be like, yo dog, I love your fucking show, but you got too fucking familiar. You got too comfortable. Thought you could get away with it.


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[Assistant] He's a fucking liberal, smug fucking wiener, dude. He's a little wiener. He's a total fucking wiener. So I was slightly happy to see him get fucking munched up in this thing.


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[Assistant] I like the movie, but no, no. A couple times he did that. He interviewed some good people. He interviewed the Catholic people he interviewed were good.


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[Assistant] The muslim interviews he did were good. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Other than, I mean, he interviewed a bunch of like, fucking Christians in a truck.


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[Assistant] I gotta be honest, I like religious. Hated it. I liked it. I liked it. Smug.


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[Assistant] Ah, there's some stories that like, I didn't realize how much Jesus was just a story that happened like 15 other times.


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[Assistant] Also, where's your fucking god now, dude? You're out there on a tightrope saying the n-word?


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[Assistant] Well, I just, it sucks that, uh, people saying the n-word like that are gonna ruin it for good jokes like Louie's. True.


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[Assistant] They're a bunch of piranhas, dude. I know. It's a frenzy. It is. There's no loyalty. None at all. It's a feeding frenzy. It is funny watching them turn on each other.


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[Assistant] Is it like a chicken? If it starts bleeding, the rest of them will fuckin'...


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[Assistant] There's something where, like, if an animal gets bloody... They start eating it. They'll start plucking it. I think it's chickens. Probably is a chicken, yea.


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[Assistant] Oh boy. Till there was none left. Till there was no fat checks at ball guts.


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[Assistant] All we need is August 11th. We need your allegiance. We need you to be there. True. That's all we need.


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[Assistant] It'll be really fun, it'll be worth your time. It'll be the best show, it'll be the best. Everybody's gonna say it's the best. It'll be great. Go back to Unity.


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[Assistant] We just swooped down. This episode? Yea, we're like a fucking eagle. A lot of these guys, I've received some texts that were complaining that the cast is too late.


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[Assistant] This is too much of a night cast. We got a lot of Tuesday night owls that like to get a hold of it. Yeah, there's some Tuesday night owls.


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[Assistant] We are. And his friend, Black Peter? Have you seen it? No. In, uh- Am I Black Peter? In Holland.


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[Assistant] And then also his sidekick, like Saint Nick's Batman and Robin is... Black Peter. I think it's Black Peter. It's Black something. And it's just a bunch of Dutch people in fucking blackface. It's the shit.


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[Assistant] Oh, blue razz and red. No, but there's literally, there's a parade of Dutch people in blackface. Are you serious? Yeah, it's real. For Black Peter. Yeah, it's something like that, but, well that's the thing, they don't have black people really in Holland. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess if you- So it's like, yeah, we can just fucking do blackface.


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[Assistant] Probably not. If you just show up in Amsterdam in blackface, that's not good. Yea, you can't.


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[Assistant] Oh man, we're here dude. This is it. This is the best. We both fucking jinxed on that, oh man. Yea, we did. That's when you know the cast is fire and hot. When we're fucking jinxing. When we finish a take and we're both like, oh man, oh man. That's basically the open mic equivalent of being like, alright.


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[Assistant] What's fucking burning the internet right now, dude? Right now is that fucking lady who got arrested outside of helium. I know, helium comedy club. She's fucking viral, baby. Million views. It's probably two by now. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] So the story is this lady got kicked out of a show and then there's a viral video of her out front being confronted by the police and managers of the club and her just fucking going off in the worst fucking accent of Philly possible. Oh, that was rough. It was rough. Kinda hot. I added to her hotness.


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[Assistant] It was rough. She was pretty hot. She was super fucking hot. She knew what she was up to.


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[Assistant] She was smashing the patriarchy, dude. She saw Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman earlier in the day. She was fired up. She saw Wonder Woman. That's true. That's the best way a chick, that's the closest they can come to smashing the patriarchy. Is just screaming at a cop's face. Screaming at a dude.


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[Assistant] She also fucking added that, cause she fake spit in Nate's face, which was hilarious. And then...


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[Assistant] Caitlyn would never ever do that, but if she did, she would be in a fucking headlock.


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[Assistant] Getting drugged into that sushi store right next door immediately.


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[Assistant] What? The way she was treating those cops and managers. You can scream at Japanese men like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well everyone lets it go because they're inferior.


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[Assistant] Well, there's also, there's also, there's not a threat of real violence. Like if a girl's acting up like that, you're not worried. Because she's harmless.


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[Assistant] I made from my, my sister lived in New York for a while. After college she lived in New York and the first time I went up to visit her,


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[Assistant] Fuck, I forget what it was. It wasn't quesadillas, but it was something. We went to a Mexican restaurant. And she was like, I'll have the...


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[Assistant] Oh, it's flautas. Is that a thing? Yeah. She was like, uh, she was like, can I get an order of the flautas? And I was like, dude, Katie.


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[Assistant] I was like, what the fuck was that? You live in a city for a fucking year and all of a sudden you're like, cultured? Get the fuck out of here. She's like, can I have an order of the filthos? I was like, don't ever fucking do that. Never do that. I'll fucking order quesadillas. Hell yea dude. Before I fucking say the dia.


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[Assistant] The white man came and gave us firesiders.


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[Assistant] They promised us many things, the Paleface, but the Sides destroyed our land.


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[Assistant] Too many sideys. They made our women loose and reckless.


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[Assistant] Dude, the Native Americans were the best. You think they're the best? No, they're the worst. Go ahead, sorry. They're chill. Oh, so, we'll get to those fucking boys.


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[Assistant] I know we covered this. I went on a fucking an hour rant the last time we did, a week ago tonight.


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[Assistant] Actually a week ago at exactly this time, I was hammered talking about like,


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[Assistant] I think how shitty Native Americans had to be if those retards coming over here were like, these guys are savages. Yeah, yeah. They're savages.


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[Assistant] Fuck dude, how gay was he? Such a pussy. What was he wearing?


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[Assistant] This is good. How about that fucking, uh, so we've been, we've been pretty Islamophobic last episode. Oh yea. As people would say, I watched, uh, and I sent you that. Did you watch any of that? How much of that did you watch?


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[Assistant] Oh, how fucking gay those dudes were? Yeah. Alright, so there's a, there's a free documentary on YouTube. It's called, uh, I think it's called The Jihadist Next Door.


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[Assistant] And, uh, it was in England, Channel 4 in England on the BBC. And, uh, it's just about


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[Assistant] A group of fucking radical muslims.


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[Assistant] In London. They're fired up. They're so fucking gay dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's not like a fucking, and then they would like try to talk to other Muslims and every single time they like set up shop, they're basically the Westboro Baptists, except, except that they follow through with it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like if the Westboro Baptists actually beat up gay people and then like, blew them up. Other than like, so yeah, so there's like 12 fucking douches. Like, poor fucking...


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[Assistant] Clearly, mentally unstable, fucking like, losers, and it's funny, now that they have, like, now that they speak English, you can hear them talking, you can hear how fucking stupid they are. And like, unstable, and they're like, the one guy laughs all the time, nervously.


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[Assistant] And, uh, they all like skirt the law. Like, cause in England it's illegal to say, I support ISIS. Yea. I mean, it's probably illegal here, but it's definitely illegal in England. You can't do that here either.


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[Assistant] You might be able to. You can fucking toss up a fucking swastika.


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[Assistant] No, but I mean, I mean, you'd be on a list, but in England and like, I mean, in Germany, it's illegal to fucking put up a swastika. Like Europe's actually much more strict when it comes to the freedom of speech than we are. Like here you can put up a fucking, we'd probably fly an ISIS flag. Wouldn't go too well. Yeah.


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[Assistant] But anyway, it's just funny to see these fucking, they are Westboro Baptists. Like they just set up shop in the middle of them all and they're like...


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[Assistant] But those guys, however, like one of them, if you keep watching that documentary, one of them was associated with a terrorist attack that just happened in London. One of those fucking car and knives, one of them was in that, and then the other one became the new Jihadi John, which is the guy who is like the star of the ISIS videos, executing people.


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[Assistant] We're too lenient. Like, cause legally, you have to let them do that.


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[Assistant] Legally, if we, if we allowed the government to just be like, yea go fucking kill those guys.


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[Assistant] And it opens Pandora's box to be like, yeah, there's also two fucking hate mongers dropping sick casts every weekend. Next thing you know a fucking flashbang is rolling down the steps. You and me are getting fucking shot in the head dude.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, we should also go on record that we do support leaving the Paris Accord.


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[Assistant] Thanks to PA, God's Country. And then on the way home, we were, uh...


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[Assistant] We just tossed on Alex Jones cause it's hilarious and uh, he opened up talking about.


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[Assistant] He was like, Google it. You need to look it up. Google ice caps growing. Yeah, what's up with that? So I fucking Googled it and he was right, dude. They're growing? On, you can, the first article if you type in ice caps growing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's NASA. NASA.gov is like the, the South Pole has had the largest amount of ice in recorded history.


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[Assistant] I actually just got some Nicorette gum. Did you? Yea, I've been smoking cigarettes lately. So now you're back on the Nicorette. I can't be smoking cigarettes, dude. Cigarettes are fucking gay.


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[Assistant] I need those boys. I also, I don't even like fucking cigarettes. They're horrible. Like they, they're gross. I just like sitting outside and hanging out with people. You start faking. Faking's fucking gay too.


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[Assistant] We're back. We tried to listen to what we recorded so far to see if it was worth putting out. It's aight. Eh, it seems, it seems good, right? We can't detract the listeners, it was the best.


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[Assistant] Anyway, while we were doing that, I was looking at my phone and this is fucking hysterical to me. I think, I think we're gonna really enjoy this. This could be a new topic for us. What is it? And it's funny news stories about Asians. That's a fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just started going off. They were like, fuck it, if we're not allowed to sell these, we're just throwing them in, dude.


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[Assistant] A news story that was covering the fact that Asian people kept falling off, uh.


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[Assistant] They kept dying at wonders of the world because they kept trying to take selfies and they would fall. Like there was a guy who fell off the world's tallest waterfall in South America. Trying to get that selfie?


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[Assistant] Also, imagine how much of an atrocity, an animal atrocity needs to be before Asians step in and are like, wait, they stopped that sheep. I can't believe they stopped that sheep. Dude, tossing a sheep into a fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like a culture where being fat is still like respected. You get a potbelly, you're the shit. Yeaah, that's true though. We gotta roll over there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, 100%. I watched this sick ass thing on Vice. About being white in China? Yeah, they have like dudes that like...


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[Assistant] Or hired, they have dudes that are hired to like speak for like medical, like they're like, here's a,


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[Assistant] And a fucking white dude will come out and be like, like some guy from like fucking Boston is like, yeah, it's a good pill. And all the Asians like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not the first time I've heard of this. I remember...


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[Assistant] A video that was online that was very disturbing. And it was a bunch of, uh,


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[Assistant] Like U.S. soldiers at the Iraqi zoo. And they would feed donkeys to the fucking, uh, lions. That was fucked up to watch, man.


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[Assistant] You're a fucking serial killer. You're a fucking serial killer, dude. Have you been leaving out this fucking turtle story? What happens here? Is this a live creature dying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eating a snake mice is fucking gay. I should do it every day, I love it. I fucking choose mammals over reptiles any day. Dude, I had a piranha. I'll fucking behead a faggot snake before I fucking feed it a nice mouse.


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[Assistant] No point, no point, no point to having them. If you have a fucking snake, you're a fucking loser. Unless it's a boa. If it's a boa, you can flex in the hood. If it's a boa, dude, you can feed them like rabbits and shit. That's fucked up. I don't like that at all.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll give you that. Fish is like, whatever. Fish is whatever. Fish is whatever. Yeah. It's funny you're- In a mouse, dude. I like mice. I don't like them, but I'm not gonna g-


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[Assistant] I'm happy with my cat killing a mouse, like in the wild, publicly. What if?


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[Assistant] We had to take a break. I don't remember what we were just talking about, do you? Oh yea, you killing animals.


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[Assistant] Anyway, who cares. Whatever. Whatever, I support you. You enjoying the death of animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, whatever, however you want to justify you enjoying death. Well, it's part of being a fucking true beast. No, as a- well, exactly. Samurai. You're a beast, dude. You're just a beastie. A samurai. As a true catholic. I'm a fucking Tokyo partner, dude. I am- I am actually opposed- Catholics love death and misery. Not like that. No, that's not true. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.


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[Assistant] Now you're, you're trained and taught to accept suffering. Yeah. Suffering is beautiful. Yeah. However. Yep. Forcing suffering.


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[Assistant] They tossed him into the lion pit at the college. He chilled with the lion. Cause he was a Christian and then he was like, yo.


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[Assistant] You can listen, you can look this up, this is cool. Rollingstone.com just released their, uh, comics you should know.


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[Assistant] 50? Is it? No, I think it was like 12. Okay. Maybe. Yeah. 10.


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[Assistant] Not one straight white man. Of course not dude. What do you think of that? That's ten up and coming comics. Probably like four white chicks.


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[Assistant] Yeah. What fucking world do these people live in?


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[Assistant] That'd be like, dude, who wrote the article? I don't know, I didn't check. Rolling Stone is all I needed to know. But, that'd be like me being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New NBA draft prospects. Yeah, dude. Eight white guys. Yeah. You're ignoring who's actually good at this.


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[Assistant] My top five all time though. Yeah. I got, I think, two black eyes on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have Louis, Burr, Patrice, Chappelle, Norm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, of course that. I mean, I'm not gonna be like the fucking Marx Brothers are my favorite, but, but you can watch like Eddie Murphy's Raw is still hilarious. See, I didn't like Eddie Murphy's Raw. Eddie Murphy's stuff is really funny.


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[Assistant] Chappelle's fucking DC special is like- It's unbelievable. Holy fuck. That was it.


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[Assistant] Black guys are phenomenal. Black chicks are very funny.


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[Assistant] No, she's... Dude, I watched Sarah Silverman's. She's a Jew? It actually wasn't that bad.


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[Assistant] She did, she did this thing about regulating, like, uh, the way


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way white men are regulating women's bodies, she's like, it turns out whenever you jerk off, you're wasting life. So what we're going to have to do, and then she equates getting an abortion to jerking off. And it's like, well, I don't know about that one, Sarah.


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[Assistant] I don't think she's that hot. Oh, she's so hot. Watch her new fucking Netflix special and watch the fucking- Now that you're more into comedy than you were the last time I'm sure you saw her, wait till you fucking watch her facial expressions and her-


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[Assistant] Just the way she delivers stuff is really excruciating to watch.


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[Assistant] I don't want to say stock, but it's like.


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[Assistant] And it's, it's kind of funny. I mean she breaks down like she'll tell a joke and then pause in the middle of a joke and explain it. Which is kind of funny. I always like that when people like that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's stupid to say that was a callback, but like that's like the type of thing she's doing. Like she'll be in the middle of it and be like, that was, that's what we call a throwaway joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I really, I really do not like the celebration of a guy being like, so I'm depressed and, uh, but that was his thing. He did like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, his thing was called like, uh, he has like a special, special called ghetto clown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was on channel one too, dude. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just really, actually you know what's funny, he does the same Hasan Minhaj hand movements occasionally. Does he really? He's like, so like, I was depressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He talks about one time he got in a car accident and he's like, and I saw the car.


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[Assistant] And it was coming and, like, I didn't move.


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[Assistant] You have to be kind of fucking stupid to watch that special and be like, that's really powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Great. Yeah. I just got that St. John's wart. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna fire that up. Swallow it. Yea. I mean hopefully. I smoke weed everyday dude. Hopefully it works. If it doesn't work.


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[Assistant] I think, alright, so here's, here's like the hierarchy. Or at least, I'm gonna, I'm gonna midway through this. Break it down. Midway through this breakdown, I'm gonna lose... There's gonna be no control. Break it down, dude. You have to be a fucking idiot to be happy. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great. And then become happy, probably. Yes. But, to be a run-of-the-mill human being,


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[Assistant] Basically any of our listeners, you have to be a fucking-


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[Assistant] You have to be a fu- and yeah, us. And us. I'm including us. Like, we're not talking to fucking LeBron James and fucking, I think, Joe Rogan. He sounds pretty happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to be, you have to be kind of fucking stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be happy. Yeah. But you also have to be stupid to wear depression like a badge of honor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, you can be depressed, just be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smart enough to realize that so is pretty much everyone. Yeah. That's intelligent. That is aware of the, you know, horrific life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, how dumb do you have to be to like, watch a guy like Chris Gethered? Or Gr- whatever.


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[Assistant] It's kind of like you and me listen to Joe Rogan and fucking Jordan Peterson. Hell yea. You can relate to it dude. Hell yea. These two fucking sick ass alphas.


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[Assistant] Well I think there's a good, I think there's a good- Marathons? No, I mean if you, if you wake up in the morning and run five miles, I bet you feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then again, uh, people that I know come out


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just like stand-up. Same. I'm not like a fucking... Cause there is a dark path in stand-up you can take.


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[Assistant] No, I, I don't mean that. That's an honorable path, dude.


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[Assistant] That's why there's like five comics that are actually good at stand-up. If you're actually smart and funny, you fucking wash out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would actually probably, that would sell me on fracking. If, if big fracking came out with a commercial today that was just like, America!


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[Assistant] You better start fracking or you're fucking gay. I'm all in.


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[Assistant] I was talking about the fucking Rolling Stone list of best comics.


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[Assistant] Dude, anything fucking Donald Trump's down with, I'm down with. Oh hell yea. If he's like, it's good for us, it's good for everyone. You want the band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The band on muzzies? Well, the travel band? It's not a band on muslims? It's not a band on muslims. It's a travel band.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hand motions. That's what I meant.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm fucking down with the travel ban, who gives a fuck? Yeah, I mean, I don't-


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[Assistant] Well no, it's not, because, because when it comes to the Syrians, it's a pressing issue. Of them coming in here. Of them getting the fuck out of Syria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but if you made it to Germany, you'll probably stay in Germany. True dat. Germany's just as good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good enough, yeaah, it's better than fucking Syria. Germany's fucking sick. Never been. Germany's very, very nice. It's kind of better than the United States when it comes to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cleanliness and uh, well, they've, they feel really bad about what they did. Sure. Children.


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[Assistant] Well no, they're very fucking, they're like, right now they're like at an all time high of like...


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[Assistant] And then fucking, dude, here's what should piss you off. I don't know if you've seen this. The uh, the French president keeps releasing videos of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he keeps saying. He wants American scientists? He wants, he's like, your president hates, uh, science and progress. France, we love it here. If you're an entrepreneur or a scientist in America, come to France. He keeps releasing these viral videos and sending them over here.


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[Assistant] Just for general science and innovation? Yeah, he's like- Fuck that guy. Yep, I mean, he's like, if you're a good scientist in America, come to France. We will support your- We should go. We should, we should be like, dude, we're the next big thing. You boys hear about gravity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Videos that are like, now this, like shit like that, like Cycle, now this. Like there's a bunch of these fucking hyper liberal bullshit videos that are like, this Muslim showed up to Manchester and gave out free hugs. Wow. And it plays like fucking a ukulele in the background. All those guys.


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[Assistant] If you have a fucking rustic- Some failed Bruno Mars. If you have a rustic wedding right now, you're a fucking retort. But, you're probably happy. That's true. You're probably dumb enough to be happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, dude, if you wouldn't feel as funny as before your wedding, you were a fucking dipshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on. Go ahead. I wanted to repeat that line you said. What was it? About the, uh, people who do fucked up things always want to be the leaders of morality. Yeaah. It's a good line.


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[Assistant] No, I want that to be fucking ingrained in our fucking listeners dumb fucking head. Yup, get it through your thick fucking skulls.


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[Assistant] That was actually the closest you've come to having a good impersonation of something.


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[Assistant] But he's also, I mean, he's fucking off the charts, he's unhinged. Of course. That's the thing, like, uh,


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[Assistant] And I think it's why I'm starting, well I think we're starting to sound alt-right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or at least that's what these people would describe us as, is conservative.


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[Assistant] Everybody is laughing at us. Uh, but no, it's because, so at least in my mind, I've always looked at the right and at least the view that everybody's had on the right is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, they're a little fucking dumb. They act a certain way, the right is kind of like the southerners. Like they'll fucking put up a meme about Jesus, or like fucking crazy shit. They're kind of fucking dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I always kinda held the left to a higher standard when it came to intelligence. Yeah. Of the two sides, I thought intelligence...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of reigned supreme on the left. During like the George Bush era. Certainly. Yeah. And then recently, it's just been totally even.


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[Assistant] Both sides. Okay. Are fucking dumb.


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[Assistant] Like you can justify being alt-right and you can justify being a hyper-liberal just based on, you can fucking use the internet and verify it.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. You can, what's that called? Uh, self? Uh, something...


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[Assistant] Every time, like, Niemeyer or whatever that guy's name is, that's literally the equivalent of a fucking white retard from Alabama being like, you fucking spokes better get the fuck outta here. 100%. Or Jesus, I mean, he's literally the same person. 100%. Except he's just left. It's the same thing.


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[Assistant] I hope he does. I hope he understands that, like, when he was saying stuff, you can't even be mad at him. That's true. I wasn't mad at him. It's the same thing with fucking what's-her-name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but that was after she's already proven that she's a fucking lunatic.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean we named him in this, they'll probably have a problem with that. Who? Those two retards I named.


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[Assistant] You know. Well, I mean, it's, it's like a sad thing. Like she, she was probably somewhat normal and then this whole wave of, uh, patting people on the back whenever they are a victim or point things out like that happened and she fucking just rode that wave dude. Now it's crashing. It is coming down dude. It is coming down pretty hard.


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[Assistant] I'm kind of afraid of it to crash. I don't want it to crash. Why? Because I'm not fucking big yet.


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[Assistant] If I'm just in this basement, when it crashes, there's gonna be a million comics like us.


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[Assistant] I want to be good when it's crashing. I want to be the reason it crashes. I don't want to be a bystander. I'm not a bystander dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they get pussy. I bet it's a weird goofy experience.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was hot. Oh, by the way, Bay, if you're listening, she was a contestant at Philly's Funniest. I wasn't hanging out with a 17 year old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, she was just a fucking chubby, seven, ah, she was chubby, she was a little chubby. I mean, she was... For a lady, she was chubby. For a modern lady. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright? It's not cause they're not hot. Okay. It's because they're dumb.


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[Assistant] Well, I have a daughter. The last thing I need is some fucking...


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[Assistant] To be like, I actually won this contest last year. Yeah, there's rules against that. Makes sense. Not because she's not hot. So we basically had to make rules because they're so hot. We had to make rules to be like, alright, at 18, them being dumb is on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up until 18, they're dumb. It's on you to be like, alright, they're stupid until 18.


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[Assistant] Keep talking. Get me fucking hard. That's gay. I'm being gay. How fucked up are you? You have two of these thirties, dude. You little rowdy. I'm fucking, I mean, dude, let's just be real though. Let's be real. No, I'm glad you've been real. I'm glad you're being very honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what we were talking about. We were talking about Penny Lane. I watched, uh, Almost Famous. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And Penny Lane was like 16 in it. That's what they did. She was still hot. I mean, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, the law is there. And normal humans don't have to worry about it. There's not a fucking 40 year old that's like,


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[Assistant] True. Actually though, June 10th, we'll be at the Harrisburg Midtown Art Center. Yeah, we will. June 11th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Sunday, June 11th, we'll be in Frederick, Maryland at the Cellar Door. Damn. That's actually a sick show too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just fuckin' w- for me! We're just fuckin' up there, just holding our fuckin' gra- where's George Zimmerman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you there at, uh, that'd be sick. Uh, were you there, nah, I'm just kidding, Katelyn. Uh, were you there at my first show tonight? No. Oh no, the second, the second show first set. No, I wasn't there. I had a fucking hot take. On what? I was just up there thinking. Let's have it. And pontificating. Okay, like all the great men do?


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[Assistant] Well, somebody in the first show had made a Cosby joke classic.


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[Assistant] And actually, you know what it was? It was that girl who was out front of helium that got in trouble, that went viral. She was arguing. And then one of her defenses was like, I got roofied. So I made a joke that I was like, I hope somebody roofied her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, then I was like, yeah, we had fucking Cosby at the last Philly's Funniest. I was just kidding, saying that he was the one who roofed her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then, cause there was enough black people in the audience that they don't really like when you joke about Cosby. Or Michael Jackson. Yeaah, they still support him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My argument was, Joe Pa. Yes. Like, in Pennsylvania, Joe Pa is to white people as Bill Cosby is to black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He raves people. Fuck that guy. Jello sucks. Reverse that in any way.


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[Assistant] And like, that was something that I needed to confront. And instead I ran from it.


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[Assistant] I remember there was a split second where I was like, if I die like this, my family will never know that I'm sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm gay and then like it turns out I'm not gay. So like I was sad. Like I was really sad. And he's doing these fucking hand motions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me, American who are scientists, come to France.


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[Assistant] He identified his bread and butter with like, he did that Sheryl Crow country song and he was like, oh. Oh yea. Okay. Yea. I'll just do this now, fuck that. Yea. Fuck rap. I'll just sing country music.


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[Assistant] True. I wonder where she goes and scouts these midges.


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[Assistant] He came up to me out of nowhere, dude. I was, I was sitting there lifting. He goes, yo bro, can I get a spot? And I was like, yeah, dude. And he just was up there pumping it out. He's like a fucking bowling ball, dude. This kid is fucking huge.


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[Assistant] Dude, I mean, it's, the funniest part is, is like, so you know, obviously when, and dude, it's weird that when an Asian is in America for a while,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying like the eye contact you make with them, you're like, okay, this, you can tell this guy's from America. When they're fresh from China, dude, it's like- That's what I'm talking, I'm talking like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or she was just like, fuck this lady. The crowded culture. She could have been like, I'm not listening to this lady, fuck her. Who knows? Or she just might have fell into a shock, or like you're saying, her programming might have gotten, like a Westworld bot might have been like, yeah, I don't know what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I always am shocked at like, their comfort with like an extreme level of nerd. Like, I've seen dudes like pants, even today, like pants up to like above the belly button, and they're kind of like slinking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The same thing, they have this Asian girl and it's just, she's like, I don't know, yo, well, and it's, it's so weird. They do that constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm about to- Delph, did you ever see the other sister of that movie? No, what's that? No. You ever see that movie before? There's a- fuck, I'm gonna- I'm gonna butcher it. From what I remember, there was this- it's like about this guy who falls in love with his sister, or this girl, and then she has a retarded sister and he cheats and starts like hooking up with the retarded girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that movie where they get a room together and they read a book on sex and they're like, I want to do number two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta watch this again, I'm gonna have to watch it, and uh, dammit dude, I think this is the thing where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens in the movie where they get a house? They just get a house together and like learn how to be a couple. Is it a fun house?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it an apartment? Bouncing around for a half hour? No, it's an apartment. We live here now. I've, I gotta watch it again, cause I'm convinced, there's definitely a scene where a girl smashes glasses and lays down, the guy, like, fingers her unbroken glass, and she might not be retarded though. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm sorry. The, uh, Vincent Gallo did Buffalo 66, that's a good movie. Did you see that clip? He was another one, Brown Bunny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fill that thing up. Cum would be probably, you could probably make cum pretty, like sugar water with some kind of gelatin in it, I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, what you're eating really makes a difference, what you're eating. Is it really? Yeah, apparently red meat throws it off. Uh, that was one, that was an ex I was with who was like, you've been eating a lot of red meat. And I was just like, don't you eat like fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting good reports now. Oh, that's sidey. Sideys will sweeten you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually I think it's salty though. For the standard American diet, salty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I like, did you see, uh, did you watch Ozarks? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, they nailed, like, the guy, the government agent, he was gay, going about his business, and then he just fucks his shit out of some hillbilly, it's like, fuck yeah, dude. And that dude's like, yeah, I'm gay too, what's up? Or like, he punches him in the face immediately afterwards, he's like, you turned me motherfucker! Oh, see, I think they fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Though I will say, I was kinda like, these guys know a little bit about comedy, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listened to it and I'm like, this guy's a fucking idiot. This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I would say it sucks. I go in, every one I've ever been into, it's like, and here's a 10,000 year old spoon, and I'm like, I do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been trying to get better with that though. If I'm watching something, I'm like the, like, there'll be like a line in something where like, especially when people write dialogue for high school kids, and it's like, you want to get this D, and it's like, it's like a 50 year olds writing, 15 year olds talking, it's fucking brutal. But I've been better at just being like, alright, and letting it go, and just kind of just trying to get into the story of it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you'll probably shake it off. Nah, I'm just- You'll get like, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I really think about that a lot, it freaks me the fuck out. Because whenever I go to like that, basically when I go to things with my girlfriend, I'll have to go to like, like weddings where I'll meet guys like that who like got out of school and went into an office, and that's been their whole life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love to go into an office and just see what it's like again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's also not that shitty, if you're good at it, that's my thing, like I love doing construction, I'm so dumb at it, like straight lines, all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd be like, all right, Matt, cut 36 and three eights and I'm at the tape lake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish I could do it. So if you were good at that, it'd be sick. Be like, yo, throw me a closet. And I was like, da-da-da-da. I'm not talking about building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're just like, they sack up and they're like, yup, I'm gonna stare at a fucking screen for eight hours under fluorescent lights and just walk home. I can't do it, but if you can do that, God bless you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right when you see all those posts on Facebook about fucking Christopher Columbus. We can do this. Hold on, this will take two seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, uh, is that what the chupacabra is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, think of those boys in the back of that truck. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chubby Mexican approaching you dude. Just walking up to you at a 7-Eleven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's scurried off like the gay chupacabra does, dude. God, dude, you gotta be careful for that. Is that what you think Sasquatch is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's out in Chechnya. Every fucking supernatural thing can be explained. By just it's gay dudes sucking dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suclusion, maybe you're hanging out with your buddies, maybe a sam squash comes out of the woods and gets you dude. Some guy comes out, he's all fucking burly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get raped in parks all the time. You think so? For sure. Central parks. Do you get raped constantly? Everybody gets raped in parks and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you report it to the authorities, if you're a man, you're like, oh, that was something supernatural.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any, yeah, Area 51. Yeah. Bunch of fuckin' lads pulled up in a truck into the desert. Buttfucked the president, he's like, aliens. Yeah, hopped out, sucked the sheriff's dick, he was like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like holy shit. It's just been gay Mexicans sucking everyone's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This game actually ends throughout the world, dude. Just hiding. That's why they built the Great Wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great wall where? In China? In China, to keep them out. You think they traveled that far? Yea, they traveled the whole way and they were trying to get in. Damn. That's why we need to build one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has one mission. To block the Chupacabra. To block the gay Mexican Chupacabra, dude. He has to fight him, dude, and knife him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can't be stopped. He lives off the cum of gay Mexicans. That's powerful stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's been going on? I uh, I found a new hobby. What? It's uh, checking the up around, where I'm from, the up around police township. Uh huh. They release the arrest records every day. Which is kind of fucked up. So like, if you get arrested, let's say you got a DUI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before it's even proven that you're guilty, your face is up on the website.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's, Matt McCusker was arrested for DUI. And your mugshot's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The police report is so fucking funny. The Mechanicsburg police report, if you go through it, first off it's the same fucking kid every week. There's one kid, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's been getting terroristic threats. He keeps getting arrested for saying he's gonna choke his girlfriend for the last like, six months. It's so funny. What do they do for that? There's a mechanic's brick most wanted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all people that got like, DUIs in left town. It's so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. You gotta see their faces too, they're all methed out. Every single person that gets arrested in Mechanicsburg is methed out or black. And there's no black people in Mechanicsburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone, like, if you're black and mechanics, you are ending up on that fucking police website. They're gonna get you? They're gonna get you for something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like we smelled weed in his car, so we arrested him. Locked him down. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, other than this one kid that keeps getting arrested, which is really funny because if, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're going to, dude. They definitely will. He's the fucking- He's Avery. He is Avery. He's the fucking Avery of our town. I don't know what the fuck he's still doing in Mechanicsburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got a, they got, the police department bought like bulletproof glass for all their windows in their township building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's ridiculous. They have like a tank. They have like a huge SWAT vehicle. They have one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were militarized, dude. They dig it, they got militarized. They're using all their resources to stop this kid from Facebook. From Facebook posting like, I'm gonna choke my bitch girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeah, boys. We did it. We did it again. Yeah, that's what I was up to. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was, uh, it was a nice weekend. Nice. I did, uh, I did the Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Dan Soder. Was that fun? Went up to New York City.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got on the XM Comedy Central radio. Listen to that, listener. Think about it. No, don't listen to it. I say like, one word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those two are fuckin' non-stop. They're rippin'. Yea, and I just sat there. You know, I was basically ginty on our podcast. Makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then fucking pick and choose. Yeah. Fucking snipe from the distance. True that. But when you snipe occasionally and you miss, you sound like a fucking dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was nervous too. That makes sense, yeah. Yeah, they're both like, they're both like very popular good comics. Yeah. And I was just sitting there trying to like make fun of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was on Comedy Central Radio with, uh, Dan Soder and Big Jay Oakes and he'd be like, Big Jay what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a Comedy Central show, I think it's cancelled already. Hooded Jason, it's due. It's called Hooded Jason, it was, I think I might have talked about it on here, I watched it and it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking bad. It was sketch comedy, right? It was like a white chick tried to write Chappelle Show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. It was like black comedy written from a suburban white chick's perspective. Like it was fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 times before I watch Hood Adjacent. Fuck. Hood Adjacent sucked. Dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I met him, I'd be like, yeah, fuck yeah, man. That's cool, you had that show, you're cool, all that, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather have McOsker come down here. Yeaah. I would have in a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I will say this, white people don't get away with that. No. If I saw a white comic on stage that was like, I'm gonna be famous, this is sick, you guys are here to check it, I'd be like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a fucking idiot. But I'll watch a black comic go on and be like, yo, for real, I got mad shit in the works right now, like is sick, y'all came out. It's like, yeah, that guy's got a lot of stuff in the works. Yeah, yeah. I'll give a black guy a pass on that.


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[Assistant] Even though we shouldn't. That's bullshit. It's true. It's lame. James Davis came out and had fucking garbage material and then was like, yo, I'm going to be fucking mad famous and be like, dude, you had one show.


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[Assistant] That show, I swear to God that show was built for white high school kids.


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[Assistant] It looks like a fucking skinny, likable...


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[Assistant] Not that he'll, he'll ever hear this or I'll ever run into him, but good lord, that shit. Listener, go to fucking, go on demand right now and watch Hood Adjacent and just strap in for the hackiest, the hackiest black jokes you can fucking imagine. It sucked. Like, like Chappelle Show was good because


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[Assistant] I mean, he made fun of black people in a good way. It was funny.


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[Assistant] Everyone thought that was funny. But this guy is making fun of black people from clearly a white perspective.


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[Assistant] Really? I'm telling you, watch the show. I gotta check it out. He goes into the hood basically as a white person.


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[Assistant] He's like, we're here to get our hood license. We're down at fucking church's chicken in Crenshaw. What up? And like the black people, like.


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[Assistant] He uses black, hood black people as props. Like they'll come up and be like, yo, what up playboy, you gotta fucking ask my permission to film here, boy. And he's like, oh my god, we are so scared right now.


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[Assistant] Here's my favorite poem by Dr. Seuss. Just fucking read, read Psalms.


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[Assistant] Because you sucked in high school, you sucked in college, and then you found out about fucking young professional happy hours and CrossFit and kickball league and fucking craft beers and you were cool for fucking three years.


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[Assistant] And then you got fucking, and then you knocked some chick up and next thing you know, some fat dyke is reading your fucking vows. She's reading fucking where the sidewalk ends for your fucking marriage vows.


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[Assistant] I'll do a fuckin', I'll do a, uh, interpretive dance. I'll be like...


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[Assistant] Exactly. Not who would have thought he would get married before me, but the stock line for a best man speech is like, he was a mess until he met you. You saved him. He's so lucky to have you in his life.


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[Assistant] Yours was too real dude, it fucked them up. Yea, I made fun of them for being Coptic Christians. I was like, you gotta fucking stop going to weird church and wearing capes and shit.


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[Assistant] But like, you get cynical and you get fucking, you can see what people are doing and why they're doing it. Like the fucking, the entrances to weddings are like the saddest.


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[Assistant] True. I need to be blacked out and then I'll fucking start fucking around, but like a real dance I can't do.


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[Assistant] That was, uh, it's funny you brought up the band, cause the wedding I was at they had a band, like, a really good band, but it was like, it was like they were like,


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[Assistant] They were all like young hot singers. Really? I swear to god they were like, Mouseketeers, dude. They had like a Disney. Interesting. Fucking high school musical. Oh, you're talking about like that. Band, like they were good as fuck, but no one was like, everyone was like, alright, take it down. They were like, come on guys. And they would sing like Bruno Mars. Holy shit. Be some white guy in like a vest like this.


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[Assistant] Blew your brains out on the dance floor in some fucking shitty barn with Christmas lights.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's funny. I posted that on the internet. Did you? Yea, I posted it on the main board. People were talking shit on Notre Dame vs Georgia. And you posted a horse killing someone with his penis? I posted the video of Mr. Hand. Oh my god. You know that video, right? What is that now? It's a man getting butt fucked by a horse.


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[Assistant] There's a real video, you see this guy get fucked, and the audio of it, he's like, like it's so fucking crazy, like it's, it's a man.


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[Assistant] I don't know if any, I don't know the laws. I think, I would imagine. Well you see, that's an accessory. Sounds like manslaughter. Yeah. And, uh, so he aims it up, and then the horse...


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[Assistant] Mr. Hand Horse. Watch a man get fucked by a horse and die from it. The guy was gay.


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[Assistant] You know how hard it would be to shoot the Chupacabra though? It would be fucking scurrying side to side like a crab?


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[Assistant] Dude. Sounds like fucking Rudolph in the sleigh. You know what I mean? There's sleigh bells just jingling. It's actually two Mexican men's spurs jingling back and forth. Just fucking.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cartels get to em'. You think? Yeah, they trade em'.


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[Assistant] That's what cockfighting is, they set two little chubby Mexicans in a cage and like whoever comes first. They just fuck, it's speed jerk? The only way you can come is through the other one's butt.


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[Assistant] This is like before I was in high school. I was just there because my older siblings played. I would go watch the football games. There was always a retarded guy named Michael Myers who would go to every game and he would


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[Assistant] He would keep his distance, but he would talk to the young kids. Okay. You know what I mean? Like he was kind of playful. Well, and that's a, that's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yeah, exactly. In the truest sense. He's just a damaged fucking man.


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[Assistant] Well yea, but we were kids and he had the mind of a kid, so we would fuckin' like talk to him and fuck with him and like, you know, everything was fine.


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[Assistant] I think he lived near my high school.


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[Assistant] And also, you're retarded, so you're not really worried about, uh, statutory rape. You're seeing those cheerleaders and you're like, that's the most beautiful girl in the whole world.


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[Assistant] And this is like an entirely empty gym. It's like a girls basketball game. And Michael Myers is just standing at the top of the stands.


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[Assistant] This is weird. Everyone was just like, alright, this is our national anthem now. Just retarded Mike Myers up in the top of the stands.


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[Assistant] So anyway, Michael Myers, one time though, this is, I think I was in like 8th grade or 9th grade. I think it was 8th grade. I was like starting to figure out what the fuck was going on, like this guy, something's wrong.


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[Assistant] Cause this was still like, early in uh, like, if you're a retarded old guy, in town,


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[Assistant] No one cared, no one was like trying to, like when he was young, no one tried to help him.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like he was a retarded guy in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. Okay. In like 1980.


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[Assistant] And then he tried to tell us to come out to his car. He was like, you guys want to come out to my car? And we were like, I think he was just trying to rape us.


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[Assistant] And it was like, I don't know, Mike, I think I shouldn't do that. And he was like, oh, come on, dude, come out. He, he wasn't like.


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[Assistant] He was fucked up, but he wasn't full retard. Like he was...


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[Assistant] He's like, come on, I have tons of nerve out in the car, come on guys. And he thought we were, I think he thought we were younger than we were. He could have got us. What? He might have fucked some kids.


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[Assistant] He's talking whistlers, dude. He's talking, you can launch that ball. Instead, he's going to launch a fucking whistler into your butt, dude. A weird retarded amount of cum going into your fucking.


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[Assistant] He had a buddy, he had a buddy that kept coming back with like, cause they had a weird guy in their neighborhood who would do something eerily similar to taking pictures with you. I forget what it was, I think it was, you had to let him touch your dick. What? I think it was full on like, if you let him touch your dick, he'll give you stuff. And they had one friend,


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[Assistant] Wild! That's fucking- Mike Myers, Mike Myers origin story, this is my favorite- That's his dad, dude!


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[Assistant] It's like some fucking retarded guy grabbed your bird for a second.


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[Assistant] The kid that was letting that old guy fucking touch his dick, he grew up and was just like, woah.


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[Assistant] Speaking of funny stories of my one uncle, uh, when he was in summer camp.


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[Assistant] He, the counselor was like, alright everybody, let's play a game. And they, he was like, the game is, it's like put mustard on the wiener.


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[Assistant] Or like, roast the weenie. Or something like that. Something about a hot dog. Uh huh. But it was, it was my uncle's dick. And it was like, we gotta put mustard on his dick.


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[Assistant] Wait. Like a string of mustard, a line of mustard needs to be on his dick. Oh, time out. This counselor was a fuckin' perv.


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[Assistant] What? Yeah, seriously. That's a guy from Nebraska in like the fucking 60s. Who was trying to put mustard on his dick? The counselor. Alright, so there's one kid.


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[Assistant] I almost said his name and put mustard on his dick. That's the game.