[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this party trick I do? Uhm, no, I listen to Douglas Murray's, uh, rogues. I got fired up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she did die at the perfect time to help get votes. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, wait, wait, wait. Name three Supreme Court members.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're never gonna be allowed. Which by the way, we better be allowed to have abortions, dude. I can't get a waitress pregnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bae, dude, he promised a bae. Did he? Which is gay. He was like, it's gonna be a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they don't, the left doesn't care about gender or race if you're right wing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can put a woman in there, if she's conservative, they're gonna be like, cunt, fucking women shouldn't have jobs, like immediately. True, true. You put a black dude in there, they'll be like, fucking... Then they say some bad words. They do. That I don't say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uncle Tom? Thank you. That was the one. I said it. You said it? I'm melanated by association though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did, I watched him, he promised a woman, but obviously he's not, you know, it wasn't really a problem. He was at an arena, he was at one of his events and he was like, who here wants a man? And like some people cheered a little and he was like, no, who wants a woman? And they were like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to get a job. What judge would you want in there? Who's on your radar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the last thing I've watched. 100%. The last thing I watched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually the last guest on Rogan that I watched. True. If I watched the Bernie Sanders episode, I was like, oh yeaah. Maybe I am gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love beans dude. Beans was great. I think Goldberg got his life back together, you see that? He did, he did get his life back together. The goalie from uh, Mighty Ducks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like most hockey players. True. Needed to replace those, those chumps. So you've been out doing, doing blow. Mr. Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been cool as the goddamn other side of the pillow out there. And then the goddamn Chinese flu comes along and it's back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's such a funny thing to like, I know you moving home I think is good. Fuck being in LA right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, go to New York. You know, do stand up, move to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. That's a nice thing. Lamar, what do you think of something like that? When you hear something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kissed a guy. And that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need someone to say, Quit making out with each other. It's not right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ask me. I might ask you or that nose ring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's important for people, now also, it's not like, also Lou is, from what I've gathered, my short times in LA, is pretty respected in the scene, like everybody's like, he's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's not like you went out there and fucking failed at comedy. No, no, not at all. And Lou is good at stand up. I want that to be, to be known. Thank you. But, you went out, and you had a little too much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't agree more. That's why I was so, man, had the same thought. I was out in Minnesota just eating dick after dick in a mall, dude. I lived in a mall for five days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately, no. They even kinda dicked me on that. Normally they put you in the nice hotel in the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ridiculous hotel. You were in the motel of Bangladesh? I was in a bad motel. Were you really? No, it was fine, but it was one of those new hotels that's just like, supposed to look modern, but it's just cheap. Right. Uhm, it was fine. What was nice is they had a shuttle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that actually, no, no, no, no, that actually ruled. I had a moment while I was walking through this fucking mall, getting drunk at TJF fries, all this, where I could either sit there and be like, fuck all these people, fuck these trash stores, fuck this, how dumb do you have to be to be in this, to just be like, this is actually awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This rules, getting hammered by myself at TGI Fridays is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had to think to myself, like, it's time for me to just fully embrace capitalism. Like, the worst form of capitalism, which is franchises in the middle of America. And just, you have to embrace it. So I, you know, first night, Bud lights to the ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun, dude. I sat there, ordered a steak. It was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. I'm dumb now. I could have had a good one there. I was going to give myself a Native American T.G.I. Friday's name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the jukebox, somebody was, somebody played Dragula twice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was sitting there and somebody was playing it on the, the like play. So nobody was even getting up. You couldn't even identify. It was like, it was like a game of Clue. Billy controls the jukebox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did steal Dracula Valor on the phone with you, which I am truly regretful of. Spread out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me, probably like five different dudes. That's it in this TGI Fridays. Totally empty. Everybody just looking at their phones and just Dragula just blasts. Yeah, it was social distance and everybody was just one guy by themselves. That's awesome. Dragula.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was all groups of one, just dudes looking, looking at their phones. Nobody looked up once and just dragula blasting while people were drinking Bud lights that were like 48 ounces. That's awesome. Yeah. And it was actually nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dragula in that situation was so fucking fu- I should've played the Notre Dame fight song. That'd be pretty- That's why. I do usually pick that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna switch over to the Patreon, ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit, before we do. Matt's coming back on the road, dude. Matt's doing stand up again. So, October 2nd and 3rd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we'll be at McGooby's Joke House in Timonium, Maryland. It's barely even the road to barely even the road, but we'll get you out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We are going to get you out there. I'll be in Texas. Yeaah, Texas. So, October 2nd and 3rd, and LaMare is going to come with us. And maybe even fucking know if you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll get you a hotel. You'll get you guys two twin beds. Get the boys in there. And then we're going to do a live podcast, uh, I think Saturday night, the third. So second, third, we're doing stand up third. Uh, we're going to do, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean we can Patreon, if they suck. Uh, the 23rd and 24th Hyenas Comedy Club in Fort Worth and Dallas. Now you're not coming to those? Oh, you are coming to those. So Matt's gonna come with me on the 23rd and 24th to Fort Worth and Dallas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, we're doing dates. And then the 10th, November 10th, Zanies in Nashville and the 11th I'll be at Huntsville, Alabama. So the 10th, I think O'Connor has come with, I think you subbed out for those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring in a reliever whenever you want. I'll fucking fire O'Connor. I told O'Connor, I told O'Connor that you're back, dude. My number one running back's back. He's gonna be getting less touches. I told him he was a third down back. I was like, we're not gonna cut you. I basically give him a hard knocks talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, come into the office, we need to talk. I was like, look, I love the work ethic you're putting in, you're putting in a lot of hard work, uh, we are gonna sign Matt. Yeaah. Now I'm not, he just lost the majority of his touches. If you have O'Connor on your fantasy stand-up league.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, actually, I'd say in that analogy, he's more of a quaint. He's more of a quaint. He's my long time ace, hall of famer. He's coming back. Bad knee. I got O'Connor coming in there thinking he's Willie Beamon. My name is Willie Beamon. I keep the ladies creamin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. We're gonna slide into Patreon. Oh yeaah, we're gonna go to the page. So, come to those shows, Matt will be with me, it'll be great. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny that it's hard for me not to want to make you dig a deeper hole. I know. Like there's a part of me that wants to just be like, why'd you do that? Just to be a dickhead? Just to be an asshole. But I understand that the position you're in is shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When their nego fags on reddit turn on you, it sucks. Because normally, normally you open reddit and you're like, oh nice. Like, here's a funny quote, this guy rules. Especially with you, they're always like, oh the shaman, fucking sick. Shane's a fat retard, shaman rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hired, you mercenaryed out. You hired a merc, brought in a different autistic man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the, the Reddit comment, reading internet comments about yourself is crazy. It really is fucking crazy, especially like, after a while you get kinda numb to it a little, but it's still like, if you get hit, if somebody hits you with a good one dude, it still fucks your day up. Which is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I'm so sorry. It kills me to see you like this. I can't believe it. You see what you've done, Redditors? This is my best friend. You guys are making him fucking cry, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's reaping all the benefits, dude. He's such a fucking coward traitor, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he was like, man, fuck those dudes on the red, they're cocksuckers. And I was like, I love my fans, dude. And then like two months later they were like, you know Shane's actually a fat gay retard who sucks, right? And I was like, who the fuck are these guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's fixable. I think everybody will, I think people will forgive you, dude. Hill dog survived. Yea, but dude, I hate hill dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's okay, it's okay. Let's move on, let's move on from the Reddit. Yeah, we should. Cause normal people are driving their cars thinking, what the fuck are these two weird dudes into now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, Patton Oswalt's wife wrote a book. She like solved this guy's, she caught this guy. What? It was a cold case. She wrote a fucking murder mystery about him. Like a fact, you know, factual obviously wasn't and caught him. But there was one guy, there was a bunch of rapists back then in the seventies, like serial rapists. Like that was a common thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were dudes that were like prowling neighborhoods and like breaking into houses and like getting women. What? Yea, I guess. I don't know. This guy did it constantly. But there was one dude known as the Stinky Rapist, which that was making me laugh. They all had nicknames. All the rapists had names. And one of them was the Stinky Rapist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you'd think they'd be focused on the, you know, the horrific atrocity that's taking place, but then they're like, God, this guy fucking stinks. And everybody reported that, uh, the East area rapist had a small dick. Like every single person was like, the only things I remember about him was he had a pretty small dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did she solve these things? She did actually. And then she died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She OD'd, yea. Really? Yea, yea, yea. She was taking like Xannies and shit before bed. Cross him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Like burglar rapist? Dude, dude, it's like scary. Some of these are like scary. Yeaah. Like this one girl was like playing piano and her parents had just left, turned around, he was just standing there. Yeaah. He did like, and the worst was when he started doing it


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear you, but if you just woke up and there's this fucking dude with his dick out standing in front of you with a knife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought, I, I did go for that. I've talked to you, I mean, the time I had sleep paralysis. Yeah, exactly. Ass naked. Came out swinging, dude. I had to swing. I was swinging in the dark, dude. Alright, sorry to interrupt the, uh, so we got number two was... It's a present moment. Getting finger to the ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're trying to help the mental stability of the Reddit boys who are-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It all clicked. That's nice. It's nice when a plan comes together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've learned to kind of power through feeling shitty. Yeah, you have to. Just do whatever I would. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being a fucking pussy brat is the gayest shit on earth. It's on, it's on dude. I was in that too. And the relationship I was in, I was just like, we never even have sex. It's like dude, why would she? I was sitting there fucking, just laying there playing video games. She, I didn't have a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, it sucks to just think about the queen, you know, my bae. Former baes I let go by being a fat bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I know. All day. All day long. The Reddit is actually just the entire country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billy is definitely my not gay pence. He's pence? Yea, he's definitely a jacked closet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, Pence is like, he looks like stability. True. To geezers. He literally, he looks like, he looks, I don't know, like an androgynous like, I don't know, he's just a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone always is just like, like SNL has a whole thing that's just like, Pence is fucking gay. That's their insult on Pence. Like, he's kinda gay, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're definitely more of a hill dog right now. Yeah. We need to get you a pantsuit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sucks. It sucks, dude. We have such a nice fun thing going on. And when, you know, when bad things happen, it sucks. And especially when you, you know, go over my head and ruin everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't go through that. Yeah you did me and Swells had no idea. I was communicating with my insiders. Swells!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing happens over here. They have a bunch of talented kids that are all like, man, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the first game they're down one point at halftime and it looks like they lost the Super Bowl. They're all, like, they're down one point at halftime and they're like, man, fuck this! Like, dude, last chance U teams, every single dude threatens to quit throughout the season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole season, they're all just like, man, I'm out. I quit. Fuck you. It's too hard, coach. It doesn't make sense. I've never been on a team once where somebody even mentioned like, I think I'm gonna quit. Yeah. If, well, other than me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only been on honky teams pretty much, except college, but if you're playing college at a decent level, like a higher level, you can't say a word to a coach. Like if you were like, fuck you coach, they'd be like, oh, pack your shit up. Get the fuck out. Yeah, for sure. I mean, some guys are obviously talented enough to do that and the coach would have to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take a lap. Yeaah. And then please stop being mean. Uh, but these, dude, these last year, like these community, these are community college, junior colleges. So kids are just like, coach, you're a fucking bitch, fuck you. And the coaches are retarded too. They'll be like, I'll beat your fucking ass, dude. Oh, so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would get wrecked, dude. I would get fucked, dude. Some of these dudes are good, but you could, technically, yes. No, no, you, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. A lot of them. Yeaah. Uhm, kid named Dior who fucking sleeps in his car and works at Wingshack. Wingshack. He works at Wingshack and plays college football. Damn. And is the best player on the team. Fucking sick. Cool sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like an old SUV. So at least, yea, we were watching it and Beezer was like, oh, at least it's an SUV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just imagining who's on it. It's a subreddit for like, people who lived in fish, like hipster neighborhoods, so like fish town girlfriends. They have them out in the suburbs. And wives. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girlfriends. Cool girlfriends suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool girlfriends in Fishtown like, oh I have tats, I wear a snow hat all the time, but I'm still like a controlling bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, I'm so cool, I love the lumineers. Also, take the trash out right now, you pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I've had a tough time because every once in a while, a girl I was seeing would go, no bra. And I'd have to be like, oh, just so everyone's going to see your tits today? It's just a guaranteed fight. It is such a horrible fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough one to avoid, dude. The part of me that's like, alright, just shut the fuck up. Who cares? I don't care. I don't care. But the thing is, it's like trying to tell a woman, like, your tits are out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think wagons is probably, first off it's for your ass, but it's funny to just call someone a wagon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. How fast did you run? Huh? How fast? How far? Excuse me. Mile and a half. That's fucking sick. Mile and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know exactly what it was. You genuinely might not like it. That's what I mean. But why? I think I genuinely don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, all of his, every one of those videos so far has been very good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With debate. Yeaah. Like what, from like TV or movies? Yeaah. That shit's, it's already gone. Exactly, so. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, that's what it is. I was talking on Twitch, I was playing on Beezer's Twitch last night, and somebody was asking what sports Japanese people are good at. Pong. Baseball, they're nasty at baseball. Yea. But I guess ping pong. Do they play? I think that's more Chinese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude wore a Black Lives Matter shirt in like the, I guess the Klan's got a stronghold in this town in Arkansas. This dude just stood on this road wearing a Black Lives Matter billboard and filmed it. And dude, everybody stopped by and said something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess he was white, yea, they yelled at him that he was white several times. They just, everybody stopped and said something. It was so fucking funny. It was really funny, cause these dudes were just really fucking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They think they're trying to reason with, they're like, this is all bullshit, dude. Black Lives Matter is propaganda and it's bullshit. It would drive away. And I was like, David, that's something I like sometimes think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta get rid of that. Well that's funny- But that dude might have been hitting the truth. Maybe one of the dudes leaving the Walmart harassing a dude wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt did know what was up. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, also, think how hard these dudes have been propagandized. That they're sitting there, they fucking crush Fox News all day, and then they're like, holy shit, it's here. True. It's finally come down to whatever town in Arkansas they were in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those, uh, but again, there's also, there's also a very funny trend in this country of filming retarded white people and being like, look how racist white people are. And it's just like some fucking cracked out old ladies saying the N-word at a 7-Eleven and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But so you're like, I don't know, every time I see like a video of like a group of black dudes beating the shit out of a white person, it's usually like, can't believe they said the N word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, also, I'm sorry to cut you off here. Did you just All Lives Matter me? No. You definitely All Lives Matter me. No, it wasn't All Lives Matter. I was like, my house is on fire, dude. Don't worry about your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he create, so yea, technically he did end the war with Japan by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was? Now it's your turn? Yeah. Yeah, you sounded like a white chick. Yeah, I know. I know. Welcome to white chickdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like anytime you toss like Snoop on TV or you like, first off he's in the NHL game for some reason. He just comes up to the booth. Really? He's like, what's cracking, Dizzle? Oh, Bizzle? It's just like dude, every white, this must be so many,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So many white kids first interactions with a black dude, and it's just a guy dressed like he sells candy in the future. Like just some fucking retarded guy walking around like, oh, basil, basil, basil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I mean the same way they put like, black dudes on TV and be like, alright, slow down. Like you know, exactly your point. Like if white people should be like, we're not all that white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That really blows if he's actually... That would suck, that would... Which seems way more likely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was driving Listen to War mode on the way to Cleveland with Beezer actually. And it was like, they'd say shit where I'd just be like, like I just remember like coming in and out of listening to it and hearing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bill and Melinda, there's pictures of Bill's father with Barbara Walters. Yeaah. They're elites bro. It's like, wait, his dad snapped a picture with Barbara Walters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you think you lie these days? Demon status. You think you've been transferred? You basically are living Bill Gates. Bill Gates was the man coming up, he was fun, everybody was like, look at this goofy dork, and then the last like five years everyone's like, evil piece of shit motherfuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not you weren't a goofy dork, but I'm saying he was likable and then now he betrayed everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You. Yeah. You need to get. You have to get all these other ones. Like foot and mouth and shit. All these weird shit babies get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't understand what the flu shot is. It's a tough time to take a stand on vaccines. And your wife's like, can we get the shot? And you're like, have you looked into Bill Gates? Have you looked into Bill Gates? You just gotta fight in the hospital. Well, I haven't really, but I've heard people say stuff about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But then there's people who are like- Okay, I'll tell you what the side effect of not taking it is. Smallpox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know how they used to inoculate people? How? They used to, so if there was like a pox or measles outbreak, like a pox outbreak, they would put a guy in a cart who had it. Yea. And bring him house to house to people who agreed to inoculate. Cut a piece of him off, cut you open and put it in you. Huh. Be like, hopefully you live. That's how people used to get inoculated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does it hurt men? I don't know. Strap into a crackhead and see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucked. From walking, walking just to the venue to do a show from the hotel was just like 10 different bumps. And they're aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be awesome. Yea man, I know. We should ship the cast, dude. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a sick move to actually have the palm tree and beach behind you. That's what they said. Instead of the green screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, look at that. I thought of that just like the fucking dork who came up with that in the pitch meeting. Me and that dork are on the same level. Where are we at time wise? I gotta kill myself. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a good emergency cast. We tried to film it yesterday. I was, I was Mr. Cool, dude. You were hungover. I was hungover, man. Mr. Cool. I was trying to hang, I was talking to everybody, high five, and Mr. Cool. Well that was when you did the Sleaziness Gang spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I missed all my friends, got to see all my friends from New York. Got drunk. Mr. Cool, dude. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you guys can all forgive Hill Gates, aka Matt McCusker. I know. Really, just forgive me, bro. For Benghazi, dude. Take me back, dude. Jake Ghazi. Take him back, dude. If you take him back, we'll release the emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they're still getting wild. I was going to have a peaceful time in the Mall of America. True. Um, oh, August 22nd. Let me check this. We're doing a live podcast, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'll be fun. I think Le Maire's coming down. That'll be fun. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You dug a hole and we put your phone in there. You sprayed it with scorpion spray. It was good. No, I wasn't doing anything weird. You know? I mean, you told her happy birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay, yeaah. Well, tell Gherby's that. Gherby's rules. I know Gherby's rules, man. Look, I'm a big fan of the pod. Patreon subscriber, y'all. But yeaah, we had that, uh, that- He didn't say that on our part. No, he didn't. No, no, no, he certainly didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aside from the fetal alcohol tint. They were wispy. They were. They don't have enough. I would, I would destroy, I'd split them in half. Take it easy. It's like a wishbone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane was, uh, was dabbling in courtship, maybe. He was trying to experiment with bay hunting and, uh, this young lady brought over, uh, an indigenous, a man of the tribe. Which I was excited about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So I was like, I'm gonna do that, but I'm gonna have to apologize right away. And you were like, just do it, it's funny. And I was like, alright. So I went for it, and before I could pull my hand away, he grabbed three of my fingers. He got the handshake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've done four and a half hours of podcasts today, and for two and a half of them I was bombing pretty hard. But now I think that I've reclaimed my mantle. Yeah, I don't even know what you're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you were getting pumped, so. Drink! What are you talking about? No, I know. How dare you. But uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about an old road dog comic who does a bunch of blow. And if you listen to this cast, it's, uh, it's no overlook. But, uh, yeaah, buy at samtalent.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not the regular one. The carny one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh I did that 100%. I took your tweet and put it on the back of my book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I used to drink, uh, Mickey's 40's. Cause they were a good tool of destruction as well. You could defend yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is very spooky down here, man. This desert. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did get in my car and play Misfits really loud, so. After I bombed on bird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do. And I think they fear our power. Could be. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since we met. In December. She was a working girl. And I was. Where'd she work? A man, a man of, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like a, like a, tell me what word she is, baby, they're stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, prostitutes. Okay, so now. Oh, I heard about those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? Yea, I think so. Let me see that, let me see that. What, have you been bulking? That's not bad, dude. That's not bad. Definition. All natural. I mean, obviously. I mean, I just woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is fine. No, please. I think it's fine. Well, Mayor, how's the levels looking? Get off the goddamn candy crushers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever talk about the time Billy assaulted our one dog as a young child? What? No. Did I? Who? You don't remember this? What dog? Cujo. What'd I do? You hit her in the ribs with a baseball bat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were like, you were really, really little. You were a toddler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little guy. This is back when you were obsessed with Godzilla. Yes. I remember you were like, you came in, dropped a bat, and I was like, it was metal too, and I was like, fuck. Came out and saw my dog just laying in a puddle of piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was Matt Watson, dude. I was down there, my befores were going up there, and I think I caught it right before anyone got their hands. Someone was trying, my roommate was trying to upload it and save it, but I pulled the picture off, and they were like, damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever thought about doing butthole art? Taking a pic of your butt. People will look at that for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So how'd you upload the raw file? It just happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Bench Rider. This was... Oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, that's the one uncle story I know. That was the one thing, again, my family is so fucking mean dude. This guy has a thing he likes and everyone walks down. Do you see the uncle, the uh, viking's basement? Spade painted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got Clean Shave and Pappy as the first half of our family. Me, Tom and Kevin. Mutants, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're done. Stop drinking, stop drinking right around Billy. They only got the good times, dude. Sold the trash business, quit the fucking booze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like there's enough rioting where you come home and you know, you can beat up some kids. But yea, I grew up thinking it was completely normal to drink like six beers with your dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I, I didn't think that was weird at all. I was like, yeah, you have like four or six beers every night you drink dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joel, that's true. It's also funny too, because I was doing the math, I'm like, that must have been crazy, but I think by then we had like four kids, coming home, having like five beers at dinner, just being like, I'm gonna bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was no- it was also completely normal. I was like, alright, you get done from work, it's like, hey, you have like five, six beers, and you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I tried drinking five beers a night, I would instantly fall apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were pretty drunk when you called me the other night, weren't you? What? I don't know, you called me, you were at a party or something? No, I was just hanging out, pats. You went to a party?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. The real one's good. We'll get that up. Well she was trying to do the comparison, she was doing a comparison like, well what if I put a naked pic out? I'm like, it's different. Everybody knows that's different. I'm like, yours is funny. Mine's funny. Yours would not be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although it definitely, like, expanded my tits, so maybe that would have given me the fucking- I would have been a meme, dude, of just the guy fucking sitting over the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, we used to- I remember smoking cigarettes when I was a youngling, dude. I started- It was around then, like 10 years old, and we would go out in the woods and just like, take black- We used to just get Philly Blunts and smoke them to the face. We used to roll up paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to smoke sugar. Me and my cousin used to roll up sugar packets. We used to just like grab dried leaves and smoke them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you can't make yourself come with imagination, you don't need to be jerking off. I was tempted hard today. I got a nap. Bae was out working out. I had a full... I was like, just do it. I said, nah man. I swished. I swished. I swished myself jerking off with the person who comes in front of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I will say in the shower, if you're jerking off the shower, you imagine you're getting a hand job and then you imagine you're getting head, you switch and let the water warm you up and it's like pretty close, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a hell of an imagination. You got such a nice imagination. Yeah, that's a move, man. You get your jerking off. Oh, I used to have a fantasy in the shower where I was just getting hand jobs. You're creative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just kidding. I mean, definitely. You're creative. 100%. I would just get hand jobs all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the whole thing is totally, without pretense, yea, total openness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. Totally without pretense, dude. Go to psychonaut.com. Go to psychonaut.com. Check out psychonaut.com. Check out the website, dude. PSYCH


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they pull, they like, they collect like nine of your leg hairs together and pull it like, aah. Yes. Or you put pants on and you're like, oh, I came everywhere last night. Oh, I have jizz on my thigh. Put your jeans on, it feels like half your leg's made out of plastic and you're just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, nah dude. This is good talk. This is great talk dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just being like, you know, those guys, gay, and everyone was like, Sweden was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was never an AMG guy myself. Never? What? What'd you used to listen to? What kind of music, what kind of music act did you listen to growing up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David Bowie, I enjoyed Curtis Mayfield a lot. That was on the, that was on the fuckin' iPod. Oh, me myself? Yea, what did you span out and discover?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason, yeaah, for some reason I thought you liked like pop punk for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I have, I was asked by Britney's family over Thanksgiving, like, do you like rap? And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have to be working out. When I have to like, I was telling them like, I can't pay attention to lyrics because there's sometimes I'm like, what am I doing here? What am I looking to? Exactly. You said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're old, they're old heads, dude, they understood. I was like, sometimes you listen to it and you're like, what is, what am I participating in? What even is this? Yea, like this is ridiculous, so. But yea, that was kind of awkward, they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they play a cool song on and then like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, she turned, she turned, Brittany turned the whole family, like she like coordinated a lot of stuff. The first time they just denied me, they were like, we're not making that shit. And then Brittany, uh, Brittany like made some sides for the kid, so. Are they all into it now? Yeah, you know, they'll make, I ate, I ate good. I ate real good when I was there, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, just get regular yogurt, what's the problem? Don't want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Saying that's gangsta? And I don't, yea, don't need to. What's everyone doing for Christmas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not taking Christmas away, dude. What do you think's gonna happen when we take Christmas? First of all, first of all, they're taking it, dude. No, they're not. They're taking whatever they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the problem with Amazon? Amazon fucking rules, dude. Let's put it on the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever been to a mom and pop toy store? Yea, they're chill, dude. They're depressing, dude. They suck. The kids won't even remember the toys they get. Dude, dude. I hated those. Amazon is... Amazon rules, dude. Amazon rules the Trojan Horse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon rules. I hear ya. It's sh- it just, it's too convenient. You can't compete with the fact that- Amazon does rule. Have a thing at my house from my phone in one day. At least, at least-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, dude, you gotta keep in mind the, uh, I think, who was it, Stanley Milgram is, like, the electroshock experiment, like the obedience experiment. 60% of people would deliver, like, what they believed was like a harmful electric shock just because a person in a lab coat, like, was like, do it, do it, do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you wanna, you wanna save, yo, you wanna save them alls. I just wanna save them alls. You wanna save them alls, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's getting his fingers. Nah, I'm just breaking your balls, but I do again. Why are you breaking his balls about? Amazon. Getting him hot and bothered. I've had people hit me up before, like, I don't support Amazon, is there any way I can buy your book? And it's like, just fucking buy off Amazon, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazon is pretty fucking good. We've never not had kings and rulers. That's who it is, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They could've. Here's all I'm saying about in terms of billionaires and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying they're awesome or anything, it's just we've always had kings. We always had rulers. Our whole system set up were people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody's gonna do it. Nobody's gonna do it. They're gonna give you, if you try to, uh, what is it? You try to like conduct


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I don't, yeah, it's pointless. Even if your vote did count the person you elect, you still don't have any say in what they do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I'm saying. Dude, the fact that people, I'm, I think I'm getting misrepresented. I'm like, dude, we have rulers. There's people with billions of dollars who can literally get laws created. And people are like, I'm gonna vote my way. It's like, no you're not, dude. You're just fucking not. It's not gonna happen. So should we all kill ourselves? No, dude, just tell them to fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you're so participating in that system that totally fucking subjects you to being a total peasant. So unless people want to become agrarian, that's what you have to deal with. It's like, live off the land, or, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seize the fucking means of power and control dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone get punched. Who was the oldest? My cousins. Well, he was, Steve wasn't the oldest, but he reigns. Who was the fucking dictator that was doing this? Well, it was really, it was Kevin, Tom, Steve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot more people are fighting now. What do you mean? I'm seeing comedians fight each other. I'm seeing Jake Paul. Like getting into fighting online. Yeah, like videotaping themselves fighting. Oh no, I think that's just Joe Rogan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's something you should do, you should know how to do. Jiu-jitsu? Yea dude, I think that could be the thing. You were rolling a little Brazilian Jiu-jitsu yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did like in-depth studies. I'm talking about like raising cancer rates, uhm, completely damage your fertility, like you might render yourself infertile. And she was like the whole problem is like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just wait and see. Dude, you gotta go full shaved head. No, I'm going, I'm going. Egg in the grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the one dude I know who got drunk and ordered a Nordic track. Or you ordered a Bowflex, you got blacked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, gray hair is like, just wisdom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's 100%. That'd be scary. Jacked. I wouldn't fuck with you. Nah, it fucking rules, dude. I'm kinda gay you did it, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were you saying before that? Wait, what'd you say? Covid vaccine, I'm hearing the side effects. What are they? I hear they're pretty nasty. Like what? Really? Yeah, uh, I think like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also too, people forget that drug companies have, they have millions of dollars to spend on people creating content to like kind of achieve their aims. So they'll do whole campaigns, like strategic campaigns, like we gotta get rid of this whole problem with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the problem is the way they can do it is they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy got me. Drug companies have a horrible reputation of just putting stuff out and just trying to make money and then the way you can do it is you can put out a thing like OxyCon. Put that out, make a ton of money and then you just pay fines but you still make more than you made. It's like they knew that was bad for people. They knew what that was. And then those same companies are now gonna do a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that the way it works is it sends out, like, does something with your mRNA, and it like, it makes your body produce these little spiky things to go out and fight the other ones, but it's also like, what if that keeps occurring over and over and over and over and over, you know, then you start to get like cancer and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I mean, cause it doesn't, it affects like 1% of people, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You won't be able to online date without this. I'm telling you man, they're gonna, they're gonna do another study. That's fine. They're just gonna do all those studies and go, oh, here's a good one, we'll do this one. It's like, I'm not taking that fucking thing, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just, I think it's just drug companies. I think it's drug companies and then drug companies hire people to just blast content. They pay news stations to cover this, do this. Ever meet a drug rep?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Bill, I'm ready, I'm prepared to live off the land, dude. I'm not worried about this bullshit. You are not? Yeah, I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fully, I've said this before, I'm fully ready for this shit to hit the ground just fucking so badly that I only have to rely on brute strength, physical force, and just like, you know, my adrenaline, cunning, I'm ready for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's doing John Candy? It's gotta be Kevin Hart. They already remade it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Bill, final words. Final words, Bill. Final words. What do you think the American people should do? Cause we said, you know. Why do you think we're getting tricked? Who's tricking us and why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm saying, what do you think the American people should do? In terms of like, you know. Don't listen to the mainstream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird if you look up a YouTube video and be like, but they're now doing the disclaimers or like this is not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't he do that in Africa? That was his big Africa. He would do African imitations. That was his big bit. And you know, he got to the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else you got? Hit him with some dates, dude. Hit dates on everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatcha got? Another fucking podcast. That sucks man. That stinks. What are you gonna- do it on your phone on the way back. What's up? Are we done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it, boys? Did you crack the Finian conspiracy? Well, the, uh, the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia Catholic. God dammit! Of Philly Catholic. How about the Federal Reserve? Shut it down!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for real dude. He did. The Catholics. Patrick T. Harker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Catholic Church has a lot of gold ingots stored with the U.S. Federal Reserve Bank. We're breaking this conspiracy right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Currently, the president of the federal reserve, Jerome Powell, an Irish Catholic man, went to the Catholic University of America in D.C. Obama's pick for the federal reserve, a Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I forgot you were out there. Dude, it was awesome. You're a beach boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First off, I'm Salt Life. Dude, I'm telling you. I am Salt Life. Okay, but- There can be more than one Salt Life, I agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, me too. Especially when it wasn't me and someone borrowed my car without asking. That's what I love saying to my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, did you get a bottle of rum and sit on a palm tree?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I thought he was a satirist, not necessarily a... Was he in a, was Voltaire like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Solife's more about boozing, getting a Yeti cooler, filling it up with some suds. To you. First off, don't you lecture me on what Solife is. Solife's about blacking out, pissing in the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had your boogie board in my trunk for about two years. That was my skin board, pardon me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, that's, that's not salt life. I mean boogie boarding is slight salt life. Skin boarding, not salt life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you what Sawlife is. It's extreme, dude. No, that's, that's all, yeaah, that's all extreme, extreme sports. Dude, I'm telling you. That's not Sawlife. If I had f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, yea, exactly. You see more like freshwater life. Yea, I don't like beaches. You see more like pond life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's alright dude, that's when you have to shine at the beach. Yeaah. You have to be fat at the beach. For sure. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was me, that was me yesterday. I wasn't really. I did a show in Jersey and then it was party time. Really? I mean it was. Did Mr. Cool emerge? No, there's a new Mr. Cool, he's the king of the good times. Really? Yea. I was king of good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just bounce around chugging, chugging beers. They had these, uh, like Oktoberfest giant mugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, dude, watch this, I'll chug this whole thing. And DeRosa was like, no, why would you do that? And I was like, nobody can stop me. Chugged, it was like three beers. I was like, towards the end I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that was a Miller Light, or Bud Light. Respectable. But it was fresh out, so it was freezing, very carbonated. Cold Bud Light, Cold Bud Light's good. It is very delicious, but that's a tough chug. Especially, and there was pressure on it, I did it in front of the waitresses at the staff so they knew. So they were like, that's a guy I would like to sleep with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then all day dude, yesterday, that was, that was one of my worst hangovers in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, that's a myth. Oh, while you're hungover to get high?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and our best friend, Meki. He who cannot be named, dude. He who backstabbed us and abandoned the cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this, here, here, pardon me? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is indigenous people's nation. It is indigenous people. As you know, Noah is a friend of mine and he's one sixteenth. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this lady thought, this guy and this girl thought your plan worked. What plan? Smoke a little weed, you'll feel a little better. No, it just does. Alright, blacked out lady, front row. Did I tell you this? No. This is crazy. Front row, blacked out. First off, before my show in Connecticut, a guy got stabbed in the park across the street. Bridgeport is hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he like tried to walk her out and she walked straight back into a wall. She literally walked straight into a wall. And it was just like, holy shit, this lady's hammered. So they leave. I asked her if she was trying to get on the Hogwarts Express. Not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened that you're back? Like, you're not gonna be able to make this. I saw you can't walk. And he was like, gave her a little weed. And I was just like, oh my god. That's like, that is insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be like, oh you're blacked out? Here, hit this blunt, we're gonna go back in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That she was sitting there, I was like, you're going to be so sick. Like if, if I was blacked out and someone was like smoke weed, I'd be like, like the spins, it'd be the worst thing in the world. So a minute later I'm talking and I just looked down and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she was in the front so no one else could see it. Sure. So it was just me like, holy shit that lady's throwing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was exactly like a kid throw up. It was just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what was great was there was a cumpleanos next to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, man, she's throwing up. And I was like, did she try to sneak that? And the lady was like, she threw up twice. I missed the first one. So this, this lady got away with throwing up once. Un, unknown, just a quick like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think no one believes you because that can't be true. It is dude. No, but like the caffeine will leave your system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamar remembers. I think I got some drunken arguments where I was like, it wasn't as bad as they're making it seem. Yeah, it's a tough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough when you get the recap from someone else on. They're like, I don't think that's what I said. That's exactly what you said. I was like, well, that's not what I meant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which one? Kevin. Oh. If I'm drunk- Let's hope it was Billy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, so yea, yesterday was a complete day of rest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] King of good times. That's cause I watched a Netflix show on bad boy Indian billionaires. One of the guys is king of good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been listening to some MPR on my Spotify daily drive. I get, uh, they've thrown some news, a lot of liberal news and they were talking about like the vaccines being held up a little bit due to health complications. I wonder what those are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like they're long term, like people don't know how, like they'll take the vaccine and you won't be able to see what the fucking results are for like months to be like what, you know, do your legs grow backwards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, remember that? That was one of Bill Gates's whoopsies. I think people's knees started growing the other way. They walked around like those aliens from contact. Is that what it was? Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolute home run. That didn't get any credit. What? At the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stress Factory in New Jersey, we did this show, Big J's show, and it's outside, so you're in a tent. I was like, I love doing shows here at the Stress Factory, the crowd's always in tents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway. So I was a full Mr. Cool. Oh yea, I was like, this lady looks like me, and people were like, aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was the crowdwork show? The crowdwork show was great. Yeah. It was good. It was fun. It was funny though that they were like filming it to try to sell it and they like put me and Ari on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also spent the day of rest, dude. I think I had four meals yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was that, it was crazy. It was crazy. Four meals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this was woke up, forgot certain things had happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until, yeaah. So you've rushed back? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Had memories. And then, I shouldn't have driven. It felt like driving was risky. But I had to leave at like 10 because my Peloton arrived to my apartment. Had to get back for the Peloton arrival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I did. I got back in time. Gotcha, gotcha. Uhm, which is, which is, it's sad to have a Peloton delivered into a messy room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, while hungover in like this exact sweatsuit. Nice. Just like, yeah, just throw it behind the bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it on the other side of the bed. I was like, it just moved shit. I literally moved a pile of sweatshirts. I was like, put it here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Adam Sandler's new Halloween movie? Dude, I started watching that. It rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I thought you were going to criticize us. I was going to say it's like Adam Sandler is like white people's Tyler Perry. Every black person must see like little Nicky and be like, what the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that, that was like the first scene. Yeah. And then he started doing that and I was like, cause I was, I was hate watching it as well. I was like, let's check out this corny bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was with Tommy and he was like, no, turn it off. And I was like, let's just watch it for a second. And then we did the robot thing. We were both like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be the best at playing a guitar guy, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a guy who went retarded after his family died in 9-11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who just sat in his room and played video games all day. Pretty tight? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was a line in that, that was like, most of it was like corny, funny, like it was, it was fun. It was a fun flick for everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a line in this Halloween movie of, so Ray Liotta is in it. You get to Ray Liotta. He's just like a weird bully to him. Everybody just bullies this character. And, but Ray Liotta, is that a funeral? Did you see that part? So his dad's dead or something. And.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So his dad dies at the beginning of the movie and then you kind of forget about that character and then you see him at the haunted house, like a fun haunted house and he like comes out with this like young black chick and they're like laughing. She's like, that was so much fun. He's like, Oh my God, I haven't, that was so much fun. It almost makes me forget that I had to bury my father today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo dude, uh. I mean, that's all we had. YouTube was not really out yet. True. You know, there was no vines. Yea. There was no funny internet memes. All you had was, I love Lamp. You just had to say that. You had to say Anchorman quotes all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is what everybody says. True. I'm not like one of these fucking CBD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can see how like a zoom with strangers would trigger you into thinking of like cam girls. Yeah, exactly. That same. Yep. Next thing you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just happens to leave. The thing is, if you roll up- What would you say if you got drug test- if you tested positive for weed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure a little bit of weed in a bus driver's system is the least of their fucking worries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a, it's an awfully big bus for a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way you can take, actively take percocets and drive a bus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Side effect of it is you can't operate machinery. So I think they would be like, you can't take it and drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Matt, I hear you. Obviously. But could you do me a favor? Yea. Would you talk to this hand? Dumbass. Talk to the hand, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should. They really should. You would think? You would fall asleep hitting them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Adderall would, wouldn't fuck you up like driving or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, it just makes you talk like fucking non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just telling me there's nonpartisan- First of all, yea, if people are like, you need to vote, it's like, I'm not gonna vote. They're like, if you don't vote, that's pretty much like voting for Trump. It's like, alright, so you need to vote Democrat. Yea, exactly. Cause I could go literally vote for Trump, but I'm saying I'm not gonna vote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You know, and then they're like, Oh, you can't do that. That's like voting for Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I mean, I might like actively start like publicly denying it. It's not real. It's COVID. We've been here forever. Government's lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I remember is from 1992. That's when the world started. You were born in 92? No, I was born in 87.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, whenever I was this big. Yeah, for sure. It's all I remember. Just being this size forever. Really? It's pretty tight. All I can remember is being my exact size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just talking about this, they still have that in Spain. Do they really? They have that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just catching up. They have like gummy shark stores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandma gave me a hundred bucks one Christmas. And I was like, I have to buy, we gotta buy a Dreamcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually it was a thousand. She won the lottery that year. She won the lottery that year and gave everybody one thousand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents just took it. I never, I never saw it. Never saw it. And then as the years went on that, that thousand was brought down to like 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Good for her. It taxed it. She started it. You were living in a socialist regime? Absolutely. My grandma went full fucking Mao.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We overthrew her this year and now she's dead. That's how she died. There was an uprising. There was a coup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I can get a Dreamcast, I mean a G, I think it was in like 5th grade. Yea, that's crazy. I never got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take it. I mean, it makes perfect sense. Can you imagine being like your son, like a fifth grader having a. I would take it. I would take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have got a Dreamcast, they should have given me a Dreamcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, sorry for the quick jump. We, uh, had to edit, we just, you know, had to edit something there. I stood by, I just started to talk about, like, my family. I didn't want you fucking freaks bothering my sweet family. Also, Wood called. Yea, it was perfect timing. It was perfect timing. We had to let the Wood man in. We had to bring him in. He brought a can opener, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, yeaah, last week I tried to step in when you guys were doing battle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you got that, but Matt's clearly the one saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what dude. What? Something munched my hand last night. Yeaah. Dude, you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was a mosquito bite, but it itched like crazy last night, but now it hurts like a fucking bruise. I got munched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, this was the middle of the night, middle of the night I got munched by like, what we can only hope was a mesquite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say that this is very annoying, like I'll go do a show and somebody will be like, take your fucking mask off, pussy. Yeah. I'm like, no, I'm around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's four shows this week. I'm gonna be around 400 people. I'm gonna wear a fucking mask. And if you come up to me to be like, yo, let's take a picture, please wear a mask. It's very annoying to be, I've like gone out of my way to avoid it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll be at the bar and some dude without a mask will like walk up to my face and be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I saw that. I caught it. Quite the hot dog. Who, the mayor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamar, we've been saying it's crazy to see the transformation of Lamar in the last couple of weeks. Maybe because I wasn't around him for a while. I didn't know you turned into such a hot dog, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The facial hair is nice though. The facial hair seems like a very humbling gesture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta start hot, you gotta eat pussy and then hot dog. You're tip-toeing, you're fucking high-stepping down the sidelines right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that true? You do continuously trash the whale man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible that a guy was a whale man and he would go at a Pennsylvania school to be like, Hey kids, let's talk about marine wildlife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. But the mayor, you're gonna let, you're gonna let my man here, dunk on you, on the COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was not your main point. It definitely wasn't that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It could be a widow, dude. Yea, cause we had bedbugs two years ago. And I literally cannot stop thinking about these fucking things. Really? For two years. That's how, do you ever get bedbugs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't really see them, ever. You never see them. You gotta like look for them like with a flashlight in the corners of your bed and shit, but it's like this level of like PTSD type shit that just never goes away. Like I'm always looking for bed bugs now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a bad bug. This thing is a, either a spider or a mosquito. Spider should have two holes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understood the daddy longlegs, the daddy longlegs venom story is true. A lot of people believe that. Okay. About like, they have so much venom it could kill a guy but they can't puncture your skin. Yes. With their fangs. Damn. Yes. It's not true. It's not true, but that's a very common fucking lie. It's common enough that a fucking guy like me believed it. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then yeaah, he took the daddy longlegs legend and built it into ants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He said he was fine. He was in the hospital longer than Trump though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Kathy Griffin. Kathy Griffin. Kathy Griffin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it Griffith or Griffith? Come on, Laverre. Hold on. Griffith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what sucks is being fat and having to go to the thrift store. True. Because I can only buy off other fats. Awww. And they're disgusting. True. None of them are 6'3".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I buy my same shirts are from just 5'8 fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're sick, they're authentic Auburn, authentic Notre Dame basketball shorts, but they're too authentic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And neither of them have fucking pockets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a time Jerry walked into the green room at Helium and I had like my jeans rolled up. And he was like, what are you doing? I was like, I think we have fleas. I was looking at my legs for fleas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Early sign is like you're constantly afraid of bugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bugs are just exactly what's, they're on deck dude, that's constant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were talking about earlier, I have a couple friends that were not funny at all. Like weren't even close to being funny. That's wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like zero. Oh, dudes who just aren't funny. Dudes who can't be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst is when people suck at it and then just hit you with a hard OL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a friendly way. Without hitting people too hard. And then they'll swing back with something like actually mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can also get locked into a gay relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've talked about that, where like, for some reason the relationship's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Faking that you're both gay, kind of. Oooh. And then you just get trapped in it where it's like, alright, we gotta end this bit. This bit's kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I was in a slight gay check-in with DeStefano for a little while. Were you really? That he might not even know we were in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew you'd say that. I knew you'd say that. Thanks bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was hilarious. He was giving me shirts. He was like, what size are you? I was like, 2X. I was like, do you have any? He was like, oh yeah, our fans are fucking disgusting. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, yeah, I was slight, slight gay chicken with him. I'm usually talking about each other's dicks somehow, like, cause I know he is a big dick. Does he really? I saw it. He showed it to me. Cause he was gay chicken. He was like, look at this. I was like, oh, sweet. Showed you his dick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think it was, it had to have been hard, but it was laying down. So we probably got it in the twilight zone. It was semi laying. You get gonzo'd out. Oh boy, that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It will. You were out California dreaming. That weather will plump you up a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to that aquarium in Mall of America in Minnesota. Sick. Bridgeport had a zoo in the mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Wow. One of them's in the mall. One of them just has, it's like the size of like, the gap. And it's packed with fucking animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It stunk, and you could, and there was like almost no rules. You could just walk into every single cage. You could go into every cage. So what? I was in there with Capybaras, dude. I was petting him. For the what? It was fucking sick, dude. Yeah, he's high. That was high. I was hanging out with Capybaras.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Capybars aren't, capybars aren't venomous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a dog, it's like a dog-sized guinea pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hanging out, I was feeding them, but they are rodents, so they have like rat hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as soon as I got in there, you could, you could pay extra money to feed whatever animal you wanted. Each animal had food. Indoor? Indoors, dude. There was eels, there was a whole fucking giant tank of fish with shark, there was a fucking shark in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first exhibit was just iguanas just laying there. No doubt. And then there was a sloth. Daytime. There was a sloth. Sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, the caffey bars were the highlight. That and the wallaby. There was a tiny fucking- Have you ever seen a wallaby? Oh my goodness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walby's like a mini kangaroo. Except like, fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody tried to talk some shit and be like, well you can't get that thing in you. Sounds like a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had, we had some squirrels at our old place. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might get hot and fuck one of these cafe bars one night. That'd be tight. When I'm being king of the good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] King of good times isn't as good as Mr. Cool, but. King of good times. King of good times rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it actually kinda sucked other than the fact that he called himself king of good times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all. It was just, he was trying to sell beer and there was like prohibition in India. So he like started an airline with the same beer name. He like invented bars in India. Did he really? Like the eighties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was late. Yea, this guy rules. I forget his name other than King of Good Times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The name of the beer was Kingfisher. Pretty sick. How were they chilling earlier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I always get annoyed when I hear that like monks do that type of shit. Like vow of silence and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, I get more dizzy now. I don't know what happens. As a kid, I used to be not that dizzy. You get dizzy? I get, I was swinging my knees around. You got dizzy? I get dizzy after like one turn. Dude, if I move my head, I'm like, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, who can whirling dervish longer? Who can whirling dervish? Oh, this is going to be so easy. Lamar? I think you might spin and put Noah into your orbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I have a Peloton now. I can make fun of other people's physical shape. I'm pretty much jacked. Just having a Peloton in my bedroom, yoked. Have I used it once? Nope. I mean, I got it yesterday. Oh, I'm so excited to use it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we're still talking Capybars, I also, please imagine six at a zoo. Oh my god. That's all. Just imagine. Be like, yeah, what the fox is saying. I was like, oh, don't touch it. He's like, I'm not afraid of it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's funny about it. He's got like, just the way you see people interact with things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, yo, let's go in. Although he did enjoy feeding the eels. The eels had a fucking, uh, like a gumball machine and in the capsules were chunks of fish that you would just pour over and the eels would come up and fucking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was great. And he was albino. Really? He was all white. He had little red eyes. What a sweetheart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a nice day. And then O'Connor came and fucking... Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking Aqua World. I think is what it's called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, yeah, it was just somebody bought a wild bunch of animals, threw them in this one room and was just like, all right, you can walk around, you can feed any of them. Just 20 bucks. It was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That might've been the king of good times who put that together. That's like a very entrepreneurial, what's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aquaworld might be the other mall zoo I was at in Minnesota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this was, I mean tossing an academy ball. I almost said that was a water zoo. There was otters. There was otters. What? There was two otters just running around. They were great. They, they, the trainer's door went into their cage. So they spent the whole day just trying to look under the door crack, like screaming at the trainers to get food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single animal in there was getting fed non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's the whole point of it, you're just going to feed them. And these got, all of them were fat as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And then I'm the asshole, you know? Like I tried to, he's like, would you try to hand feed a capybara, you fucking idiot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so we're going to slide into the page. Slide into the page. We're going to talk to Chris Wood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt and I will be at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. We got a live podcast the 18th. That'll be fun. Then, the 23rd and 24th, next week, 23rd and 24th of October, Matthew and I will be in Hyena's Comedy Club in Fort Worth and in Dallas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, are you coming with meeee... 10th and 11th to Zany's?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we'll figure it out. November 10th, I'll be at Zany's in Nashville. November 11th, Huntsville, Alabama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh nice, a little accountability. That was kind of the role of the church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so will you guys get very high off that joint and then sit down and have trivia?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Well the Patreon's gonna be great. Patreon's gonna be better than that episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, I can't believe that's the type of guy I'm already becoming. Somebody who's just, like, remember when geezers would be like, women stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, yeah, right, dude, what are you talking about? When I was younger, now I'm just like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just imagining, dude, I'm not even in a relationship and I'm like, being out at sea with my girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how I call a fuckin' pot boy, Will?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you thought staying on the boat or on the jet ski would have caused it to flip?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you bailed off. Why would that help?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have no idea, it's just the damage. It's just in a dude's head all day. It's just like, I can't believe I gotta have this argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Flipping one of those fucking things. At sea? That would be very difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Alright, let's roll. Yes, Patreon for the fucking stoner Olympics, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamar, what year was this, when was the civil war?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two weeks. Yea, two weeks, yea. But the question is, we're right back in the studio after recording a live podcast, throwing it up on the Patreon, so. Yea. People are happy right now with the amount of content they're getting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I never heard about him. Every, every single person around any kind of open mic thing is, there's always one or two people where you're like, this person might shoot us all, but I have to fuck with him. I have to go fuck with him. You cannot not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hit this, I brought this guy up one time, I think it was hosting at the Raven, and I was like, I forget his name, I think his name was Rob. So I get up for Rob, and uh, his penis protruding from his pants, and dude, he fucking shot me fire out of his eye. I was like, that's definitely worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the other, the other thing too, you couldn't, it was in everybody's face. It was a, uh, it was like a rave stage at rave, you know, rave and honestly, your rave stage is your dick's eye level with the crowd. And it's just like, dude, head defined in track pants and you know, you can't let it go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, his guy would go on, it would be either him or his wife first and he would go on, he would do George Carlin like rhyming raps and it was the funniest. So fucking funny. And his wife would go on. Would his wife go on or would she just chill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking about the guy I found trying to get into people's houses at one time. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to tell you about this. There was a guy just trying to walk into people's, he was trying to walk into my neighbor's house. I swear I talked about this. I came out one day and heard my neighbor like, get, get, get out, stop, no, no. So he would just ring your doorbell and he would answer the door and he would just walk into your house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, dude, I was like, no, no, no, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. He was about to get fucked up, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nowhere, there's nowhere to stand up in New York right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird, live cast, I mean it was, it was awesome, but it's definitely weird when you're not out, you don't go into like a crowd forever, and you're just around like a couple hundred people, and it's, it was kind of mindfucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, here's the, this is the problem I have right now is like, yea I definitely hear that. I was like smoking a joint and someone was like, yo let me hit that and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can have this man, I'm not doing that. But, dude, I was looking up the COVID statistics, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the fuck's going on. 200,000 deaths? I think like, I don't know, don't quote me on it, but it was like 95,000 of them also had the flu and or either the flu and or pneumonia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like fucking half, where it's like alright, well that's a coin flip. What else you got? Dude, there was like 8,000 cases where people just had been poisoned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Sex slavery, that's one of the biggest I think. I wonder, yea, I wonder if they count like, I mean if you have a technically you could always sell your dog. So that's like 800 bucks right there. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. So I wonder, yeah, that's a pretty tight stat. 18 million millionaires? I think I saw it. I think it was 18.6. So we just have, I mean, whether COVID is big or not is irrelevant. We just have a ton of money, so it's like, who cares? Who cares, dude? Who gives a fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been uh, I've been taking preventative measures for my health lately. Yeah. Grounding, it's my new thing. What's that? Grounding, you just put your bare feet on the ground. The ground's full of negatively charged electrons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So apparently, I've been reading about this, apparently, so there's, the ground has, uh, has like an electrical charge, it's very low, but it has a ton of negative electrons, and your body typically has a ton of, an abundance of positive electrons, because you're separated from, your feet don't ever touch the ground really, and you're constantly walking around electronics, and they, the guy who invented it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The free, uh, the uh, negative electrons. Anything electrical wants to balance. If you put it on a circuit, it wants to balance itself out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Positively charged electrons are typically like, I think they're associated with like free radicals, which are the things that'll just go attack tissue in your body. It's like an autoimmune response. You put your feet on the ground, or you know, anything, or you ground yourself out if you lay on a pad that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever the rate is, and it balances your electrons. Whatever the rate is of the earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they did studies and apparently it takes down inflammation and all kinds of shit. How long have you been doing it? Just started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, cause you're constantly storing all these weird electrical interferences that just come in in your body. And if you touch the ground, they just go, brrm, and it just balances it out to where you're supposed to be. I mean, just my feet tingle when they're on the ground, so, you know. But I'm, you know, I'm really in tune with, like, nature and stuff.


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[Assistant] It's offensive to the black community to walk barefoot. Black people have this crazy thing against walking barefoot. It's dirty.


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[Assistant] It's dirty! If you want to be separated from your national electrical environment, go ahead.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've noticed that. I came out with my ex-wife to meet her dad, and I had my bare feet, and like her and her mom were like mortified. They're like, we can put some shoes on. He's gonna see you with your bare feet. It was like, who the fuck cares? It was like highly offensive.


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[Assistant] I was going to put like George Bush. Yeah, get one of my George Herbert Walker.


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[Assistant] I think so. Yeah. As if there's only two. Some killer whales. That's the way it is.


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[Assistant] It must have been a lot of sword talk. It must have been like 80% sword talk back then. Yea. It was totally not weird and nerdy to have a sword in your house.


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[Assistant] That was, there were hard times back then, dude. Hard times. This was the harshest of times. That one was a sock, dude.


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[Assistant] I'm not a big fan, honestly. I mean, I like, Dog Girl's great, but, you know, I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching Solo, the Han Solo movie the other day. First of all, dude, why'd you ever say it stunk? That was good. I'm not all the way done, you know, obviously I probably know what happens at the end. It was decent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently, uh, I think it was Donald Glover's character. They came out after the fact, and like, you know he's pansexual, right? To try to get some, like- What, Lando? Yea, to try to get some, like, hype around the character. And I think the other actor was just like, they're- will you guys just accept the fact- They're trying to make Lando-


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[Assistant] Well that was Donald, that, for sure. I mean his robot was kind of a lot.


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[Assistant] Fuck dude, I had fucked up, speaking of sleep, I had fucked up dreams last night.


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[Assistant] So first of all, I did a, uh, so I was doing, me and my friend were doing this like bet of like who could lose more weight within like two weeks. And you know, we had like 50 bucks on the line, a couple other people. It was fun actually, won pretty tight. Or my team won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, so I like, so this morning- In the dream or real life? No, we did this in real life. Oh, okay. So, I, this morning was the weigh-in, so I was like, alright, I went for a run last night,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I didn't eat dinner. I just totally fasted, skipped dinner. I don't know if you ever went for a run and just didn't eat for like 12 hours. I must have been so hungry. Holy, dude, I started having dreams that I like broke my dog's neck. That don't sound like that's cause you ain't eat, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was Matilda. Wow. Yeah, I've been pissed at Jackson, but it was just like, Matilda was running around, I was like, I gotta stop her, and I picked her up, and she was like slamming her on the concrete, and just like broke her head, like broke her skull, then like her neck cracked, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Brittany will do stuff to me where she's like, I just want to like lose a little weight here, make this bigger. And I'm like, that's not a real thing. You're just going to lose a bunch of weight or not. You can't like spot reduce certain parts of yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's no spot, there's no spot reduction. You can't like reduce fat on one spot of your body. It's a myth. You have to lose it all. And that's what you're saying, you saw the girls in the Drexel gym, they do like a thousand squats. So they just have muscle butts.


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[Assistant] That's interesting. I always, I didn't, I thought it was kind of a celebrated thing if you were to bring home like a really big fat white chick. It's definitely not.


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[Assistant] Well, thanks to the Regeneron, which he- Regeneron. Whatever that cocktail was. Soup. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, that's the thing, I'm telling you, that's the thing, I know people who got bullied hard and it's like, they constantly have to stop themselves from trying, like a lot of it is like this revenge mission people are on, you're not really aware of it, and then you'll like trigger a nerve in them and they're just like, and you're like, what the fuck is that?


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[Assistant] No, I would go in in person and grab my key, like they, I talked to this lady, she was sending me up to, like actually she was sending me to her own house through her company and paying me like...


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[Assistant] I-I have to drive all the way to Contrahocken for like 8 bucks and drive back. And I was like, dude, I'm not doing this. And she's like, well, it's my personal house. I'm like, you fucking bitch, you're the one sending me out here. She knew exactly where I lived and where she was making me drive and how I was- it was like a-


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[Assistant] Well that- with the dogs, like with the per- like I worked cash- like in the cash registers when I was younger and I would steal, like, if I didn't like the manager I would just start stealing as much money as I could from the cash register.


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[Assistant] It's my, I know it is, it's weird. But yea, dude, I had a couple, it was funny because I would go in with pitbulls and they're always so friendly. You go in their house and they're just like, oh, what's up dude? And they're all excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking labs, dude. There's a lab that would bark and snarl at me every single time until I made it to its refrigerator. I'd have to be like, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, get to the refrigerator, bite and hit off a pizza hot dog, throw it to him, and he was just like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was pretty tight. I actually, I went in there like such a cock and was like, I can specifically work with aggressive breeds. I can handle kind of any kind of dog situation. They finally gave me one. You had the Akita, bro. Well, I had the Akita, so I figured I could do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I brought in my 30th birthday on an air mattress at my brother's house after being, I didn't realize I was allergic to, uh, didn't they have like a down mattress with all the feathers? So I got dust mites. So like I was like, I had like basically asthma from the dust mites, brought it up to an air mattress. I remember laying there my 30th birthday and being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would get an air mattress, blow it up, the big one, and then I would buy a foam pad, well, steal it from Target, and I would get a foam pad from Target, put a foam pad on an air mattress, dude, it feels like a fucking shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, yeaah, this dog's really cool, likes me or whatever, but, you know, Kitas are really protective, so me and Brittany were sleeping in a bed, and I woke up in the middle of the night, and, uh, the dog's name was Simone, which is funny, it was named after my ex-ex-girlfriend, which is hilarious. My ex-wife was like, isn't her name Simone? I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd you name your dog that? It was named that, yea, it was bizarre. But, the, uh, I will-


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[Assistant] That's how protective they are. They were like, what the fuck is this? It was so fucking funny. Then her roommate tried to come in and she like completely changed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're the official dogs of Samurai. Sick. Pretty tight, yeah.


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[Assistant] It was not huskies. It was definitely huskies.


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[Assistant] Look it up. Definitely not Malamute. They're the Spitz family. Just was looking at it.


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[Assistant] They used Kain Korsos in battle. I think Pitbulls used to sit and babysit the kids. Cause Pitbulls will sit and just kind of like, just sit idly around the kids.


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[Assistant] Huh? I called Kane Corso, dude. I actually have an extensive hit, uh, you know.


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[Assistant] That's a case, I'm pissed I blew off that census worker.


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[Assistant] The fuck, like, it was one where I was like, what are you doing?


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[Assistant] Have you seen Invisible Man? It's the ultimate, it is a white woman fantasy. Yeah. And then there's a real plot twist when it's revealed she's pregnant. Recently. Which means the invisible man fucked her.


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[Assistant] It is so nice putting your hand on the small of a woman's back. That is, I will say that is sexual harassment.


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[Assistant] Smaller back, I understand. But every single man knows what you're doing. Yes. That's why everyone was like, yo.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but you can do the cheek thing. You can be like, I'm actually into, I'm real sophisticated.


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[Assistant] That had to feel good, having the, the outreach, the support.


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[Assistant] Something about heroin always leads you to like a fire. Like if you're homeless, you just stand by a trash barrel that's on fire. It's nice. It's getting cozy. You're just like, I'm on heroin dumb high as fuck. Where's the fire? I want to see what the fire is doing.


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[Assistant] You don't want to waste a straw. Straws are a nice commodity these days.


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[Assistant] He's the real shit. No, I'm just saying. Guy behind the register like, I got you.