[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the best part is at the end, we had to call an ambulance.


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[Assistant] And they show up. They showed up. This is after my mom, like, gained consciousness. They got there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's the best when those guys have to snap it back in during the game. Yeah. You just go to the sideline. Pull it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost got in a fight. You almost got in a fight, Chris. What? I heard you almost got in a fight. With who? Down in Nash Vegas. Who did I almost get in a fight with? Olimar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but it, and then I looked it up and it was like two seven something. So I type it in, we walk in.


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[Assistant] And he's like, well that was it. It worked. And I was like- Just wouldn't let it drop.


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[Assistant] Unless there's two codes, your code was wrong and maybe the door was just unlocked. Cause that code's wrong. And he's like, no, that worked. And that's it. That's it. And then I'm not letting that go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, let's, let's, why don't you go outside, I'll lock the door, see if your code works. And if it doesn't work, you don't come in. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about Gardini enjoying it. That's, that's, that's, that's hearsay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I heard, so this is the version guard dog told me. You started hitting the fucking, you're fucking nobody early. And then Lamar was like, if you say that we have to fight. And then it went into I'll whoop your ass, I'll whoop your ass.


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[Assistant] I mean, I wasn't there. And they're at the comedy festival that I'm doing a show on, in the green room of other people's shows, just getting wrecked. You know, obviously I genuinely don't care, but it was fun to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was, that was great. It was really fun to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then I bailed. Yeah. So I kept telling Soder and Jay, I was like, look,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was mobbed and it sucked because he asked me to come hang out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was there, he was there for it and then he left by the time I got up. But they had invited me to some, I forget the name of it, it was a weird name. Some party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this, bro, I've seen you hungover that Friday show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Chris was dead. Yeaah. But, he was the only guy in the group that I would have host. Yeaah. Beezer maybe. But the other guys, like I can't have Lamar host. Yeaah. And then we did. Because he's so bad. At hosting. He's like, give it up for Tommy Pope! That's how he does it. Wearing a fucking anime t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like, I wouldn't have gone in there at one. I was waiting until it was like obnoxious. So I had three PM, I'm sitting on the other, he was in twin beds. Cause I was sitting on the other bed just like, you had a big night, didn't you?


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[Assistant] Is he disrespecting me right now? It's just some fucking manager. He did great tonight. Who the fuck?


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[Assistant] I wanted a bad report. And I'll be honest, there wasn't, there wasn't, but these are the same people, these are the same people that like me a lot. So the whole time they're like, no, your friends were awesome. It's like, dude, I know it was blacked out O'Connor and LaMare.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude. I don't, I, for real, for real I did ask, I was searching for you. I wanted you to have fucked up and nobody reported a fucker. Is there going to be a problem if we all


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[Assistant] It was the one thing that was unfortunate is there was a lot of industry there and you were so hungover that you fucked up. That hurt. But yea, who cares? Who cares? You seemed to care. You did care. That was whiskey. Boy, you cared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well he's, he watches fucking comic books and wrestling, so he's like, no, Wakanda's there. It's like, no, it's not. It's not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's, it is what I want and it is gonna be awesome. I am excited about it. But it sucks to have to go city to city in a different country with luggage on trains. That's gonna be tough. And a fucking girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was right before COVID and that dude next to us was wearing a mask and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Glass Count of London is going to be a big shift. Stuck in London would be nice. Yeaah. But, we're supposed to start filming Gillian Keyes when I get back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uncle Daycare? I was supposed to not be a fucking mentally handicapped man. Yea, I know. I was supposed to talk. Yea. I was so hungover that I was like, I'll just be like a deaf. Let me just be a mute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even think of a current male actor ripped enough to play me as a child anyway. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black people, there are not as few black people in America as the country would lead us to be. For sure. You think there's way more black people. Way more. Because yea, first of all, black people don't fuck with government papers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, I think it's, I mean I'm not saying it's half and half, but it's like closer to that. Like for this conspiracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, so. They might. But I'm just saying, so that, that's where it, that's where it started. And then, uh. Damn, Latinos are all clapping you, dude. Latinos are all clapping you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other part of my conspiracy, by the way. Normal black folk, cause a lot of people don't know that there are normal black folk, right? So the other part of the conspiracy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, so that was like, so one, black people are more of the population. Normal, normal black people are more of the black population than the silent majority. Oh, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That foolishness, from foolishness down, from like, once foolishness kicks in as a default mechanism for handling situations in public.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but some, I mean, but some people, there is a default where they're like, foolishness has to occur in order for me to be, to even consider myself black when I'm represent, especially when I'm representing myself amongst, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so you know how, so you know how like, there's this uh, I don't know if it's used anymore, I don't know what the kids are saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was a time when in polite society, if a black person went from normal to popping off,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Acting normal as a black person, like not popping off, is considered white. Which is offensive to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, when, when they are saying that like white people are racist or like, there's like this hand of white people just keeping us down, how much they're putting white people on a pedestal. Oh yea. Like, they're not even, like if I, if I would say to them like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, the reason why I don't think everybody is racist is because I don't put white people on a pedestal. Right? They would, they would definitely argue with me that that's not like, they're the ones not putting white people on a pedestal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, I mean, but, but to, to also. That's the mainstream. I don't know. I don't know that I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm, what I'm trying to illuminate to them is like dude in order for them to hold you down, you have to be hold downable. True. Do you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you see yourself as whole, like, I can't be pinned. Are you kidding me? I'm too squirmy socially to be pinned. It's not gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, I would say, and that's happened, that's been what's happened. Yea, but it can't happen totally, right? Because there has to be that, there's an allowance. In the observance of black culture, it's like, well, you gotta give them some room to be happy enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you need to do. But, but, I mean, part of you, like, you see Will Smith, the decorated human man that Will Smith is, gets up there, smacks Chris Rock, and then a part of, like, society is, I guess all of them are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you listen to, if you listen to the way the elites defend themselves in situations, it's always like, I'm better than that. Right? Like when, when the dude, when the dude was getting accused of like, uh, the, the one print from, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The royal, the royal from England that's caught up in the fucking, uh, the, uh, the law. Prince Andrew. Yeah, Prince Andrew. Yeah, yeah. When he was like, pfft, I don't even sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the future, all the future pussy you're banking from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's huge, that's huge. And there's also too, there's like, there's a permanent fixture reminder of what you did, so like years down the line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw this happening. So in my, uh, so freshman year of college, we were having orientation. I might have even talked about this before. But there was a, I was like, they were asking like, what's your five year plan? Like, what do you, what do you plan on doing? And, uh, this one chick said, and by the way, not joking at all. She was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to end up being a housewife. Oh yeaah. Dude and the whole room flipped on it.


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[Assistant] They hated her. Absolutely hated her. You know, and it was just like, why can't she do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, why are you going to go to this expensive college to just be a housewife?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was thinking about when that transition is in the black community, right? I feel like when people stop telling you, you look young for your age, you can start getting it. You can graze a waitress's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you know how like, so we were some of those kids, like parents that would walk ahead of our kids, but instead of us, you know, like we make them close that gap. You're ahead of them there. So like ever since my kids could even take...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, they need to eat, dude. You need to eat to develop the muscle. But so, we, what we always do, we always do. This is important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anytime our kids were run, we'd always be like, get your knees up, get your knees up. Right? So even when it would look ridiculous that they had their knees up because of the way they were running and sometimes they couldn't handle the balance for it. Their heads still bobbing side to side. Dude, it looked insane the way they were. And like they're not even going anywhere because they're like so focused on the beat, they're just in one place, you know? But like now, that they're like, my son's nine, my girls are six, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then my son is like 9 and runs like a 6-17 mile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a security guard in the mall that I frequent. He's jacked as fuck. And every time we walk past each other, there's this noticeable vibe between both of us where we're both like, yea, fuck around and find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a, uh, it was like a chick, I think it was, if I remember correctly, it was a chick in the audience that tried to pull him down into it. And he punched her. And he punched her. Is that? Yeah, fair enough. You're pretty up to date on hip hop news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, and it's like most of the time the two is like, uh, well, I mean, she shouldn't have said that, but yea, that's doing it right. Yea, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you can't, I mean anything can be quantified. Yeah. Like, like when you established last time, like the one thing that would be like, uh, in the minus, you know, when you're like, you have a long equation, you have this plus this plus this, a minus thing would be being a dick. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. So that would, we already have one quotient.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane Gillis on the Adam Carolla Show. Here he is, Shane Gillis. Good to see you my friend. Hey, thanks a lot. Great, uh, job on the special, congratulations. Uh, by the way, Shane Gillis live in Austin and it's available now for free on YouTube and you can subscribe to his channel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gilly and Keeves, is that uh, correct? That is correct. Uh, so congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. I, uh, I know your story, obviously. Many people do. We've gone over it a little bit toward the beginning of the show. I think we all like the kind of redemption part of these stories, but I'm also, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have some parallels with your story, which is, I just gotta go do it for myself now. I don't think there's gonna be any more relying on HBO or Netflix or Comedy Central or, it's just gonna be, just go out and hang your own shingle and do it yourself. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certainly. Is, is, which, which I do think is a blessing kind of big picture, it's just the beginning part sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, it's funny, I oftentimes think about these conversations I have with a lot of the kids who work here who aren't kids anymore and should stop fucking acting like, no. But, but I would say to them, I remember Chris, I probably had this conversation with you, maybe Matt, whatever, Gary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had conversations like six, seven years ago where I was like, I gotta get my phone installed, the house line installed and they'd go, why? What do you mean why? Because I live in a house, you idiot. I need a phone. Why don't you just use your cell phone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause this is a house phone. I'm in the house and I need it. And they'd go, you don't need it. Just use your phone. And I'd go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this is my cell phone. This is my house phone. I'm gonna meet the guy who's gonna install the phone. He's gonna pull the line in from the power pole. And I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realize, I think about that all the time, it wasn't that long ago, these guys were making fun of me for putting a phone, hardwired phone in my house, and I was telling them they were crazy, but the only excuse I could offer was, this is how we always did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I had, and I feel the same way about comedy. It's like HBO, Netflix, Showtime, whatever, and you go, you want to be in that because that's the way everyone did it. But not anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's the, that's the question. Did you take this special, which I think has over a million views on YouTube? It's getting there. Yeah. Uh, and did you take it out and shop it around or did you kind of figure it out?


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[Assistant] You know people know about you. And there's a chasm between those two thoughts sometimes.


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[Assistant] And it's kind of hard to talk people out of what people know about you. And the reason it's hard to talk people out of it is because


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[Assistant] It's not really true and it's harder to talk people out of stuff that's not true. Definitely.


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[Assistant] So it's basically like what vegetarians do to us. Yeah, exactly. We go, anyone who's ever done a production, TV show, movie, whatever, there's 80 people on the set. Three of them are vegetarians, but we must get 50


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beef, steak, subs, and 50 veggie subs, right? Because the fucking three are controlling.


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[Assistant] The other 77 people that are on that set. And it's kind of that way artistically, I mean, the zeitgeist is that way. Black Lives Matter, The Times, we're in Netflix, it's a handful of woke assholes sort of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deciding which way the wind is blowing for the company.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because you have people go, hey dude, make a funnier special next time. Yeah, that's it. Or write a better book, or make a better independent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rom-coms, or documentary, or whatever, just make a better one.


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[Assistant] And it's hard to argue because it's invisible. Exactly. And it's also sort of in the ear of the beholder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So for you, why don't we, uh, step back a little bit and start with your upbringing and then figure out, you know, we'll go through SNL and we'll get to here and we'll sail past where we're at now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I played a lot of football. People have no idea how brutal it is. And by the way, it's never the games. It's all the practice. It's only practice.


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[Assistant] Another part about football that nobody understands is when you play O-line like you play offensive tackle.


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[Assistant] Uh, in many other positions, you don't even touch a football. You don't see a football. You do nothing that has to do with football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I never thought about this. I played 11 years of football. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you are- What position? I played a defensive linebacker or offensive guard. Okay. When you are playing football for fun,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are either quarterback or wide receiver, defensive back, you're throwing the ball, you're catching the ball, you're pitching the ball. That's what you do when you're playing for fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just block. Fuck this, it's the least fun thing I've ever participated in. Well that's what football, that's about 80% of football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Offensive line is the most thankless, boring, fucking, most, the most miniature concussions you're gonna get with boredom sprinkled in ever with zero praise and almost no dick sucking from cheerleaders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I was. I played offensive lines, ugh. But then I played defense. I was like, oh yeaah. Now it's fucking awesome. This is awesome. And then I'd go back to offense again and it was bored off my ass. So you go to, you go to West Point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you went there, you flamed out, you transferred.


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[Assistant] So you went, you went to a place that you felt you could fit in a little and wasn't quite as regimented?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but I, I dunno, I feel like there's a lot of growth in there too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, as monotonous and thankless and boring as O-Line is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a kind of good lesson in that you gotta sacrifice and give yourself up and, and do your job so that somebody else can carry the ball across the goal line and be mobbed by the adoring teammates and fans, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sort of the opposite of stand up. Yeah. If you think about it. Definitely the opposite. It's like being a writer. Yeah, versus being up on stage. Yeah. So uhm, you do a year there and then what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was stand-up always something, or at least comedy always something that was sort of, sort of rattling around in your head? Yea, absolutely.


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[Assistant] But you didn't come from a background that fostered that?


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[Assistant] Everybody was funny. My family's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And were they funny? But did they think you were funny? Yes.


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[Assistant] So, family's funny. Family has a problem with alcohol.


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[Assistant] The funny and alcohol are good to a point that at a certain point you drop off. That it gets mean. That it gets mean at a certain point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, now you're selling cars. Sure. You're, you're, I'm sorry, you're living in Philly, selling cars, as you, the stand up. Does somebody say, you gotta go do this? I mean, there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two types of stand-up sign interview. They're the people whose friends at work sign them up for the competition.


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[Assistant] Then there's people who no one says are funny, but they do it anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it kept going. And so, and then what was the move to New York?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know the uh, SNL story, many people do, but I don't know, there's some interesting facets to it. Certainly. Uhm, you were, you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was SNL, now a lot of people grow up with the dream of SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just watched every episode and that's the end all be all.


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[Assistant] But that wasn't you. And you're more of a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand up than a sketch person, although you do some really funny sketch stuff we can get into as well. But, so for you, how does SNL come about when you're not pursuing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it seems interesting that they were just watching you do stand-up. Did you do any impressions in that stand-up? No, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just liked your ideas. I mean the way you thought.


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[Assistant] And yet it's not a format for stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they saw something and they thought maybe we can... Yea, I think they might have, I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you go try out and, uh, walk us through that process. Uh, so what they do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it stand up you knew like the back of your hand? Or did you shape it a little for this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, uh, had to do plenty of that kind of stuff in terms of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, some big award show and the day before the afternoon of you go out in some big arena or some big venue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nobody there and you just have to go through your monologue and it's the worst. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always far more nervous out there with a couple of the director and the chick with the headset on and the stagehands and all that. Just doing it to an empty place. I'd say any comedian would much rather have that place filled than just a few people sitting on folding chairs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's counterintuitive to some people because some people go, oh, well, there's only a few people in there, but to a comedian, that's hell. Yeah, it was, that was, yeah, it's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you're in a club, there's a contact, and if you're alone on a bus, you seem insane. So, you start off, and you remember how it went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a good story for the other guys in the warehouse, because they probably never bang Sandra Bullock. But it was literally that, like you were, I mean you were a comedian, you were working, stuff like that, but somehow pow, you're on SNL, you're not dreaming of it or signing up to work out on SNL, right? So uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within two weeks, they announce you as a cast member.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, walk us through that, if you could, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you wonder, does that shave months or years off your life? That was, I mean, that killed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have to go out and perform stand-up that night? Well, I didn't have to, but yea, I did. That means, like, you got the info. Like, we all know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you perform enough, there'll be some disturbing news at some point before you walk out on stage. If you hang around long enough and say enough and have enough kids and whatever else, something will hit you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be tough going out there with THAT so fresh on your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, first off, do you ever really know who is leading the campaign? Like, is it a, you know, is it mothers against drunk drivers? Is it the Asian Americans for civil liberties?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And is it, is it a group or is it just a bunch of sort of scattered individual Karens all over the world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I used to do radio a million years ago, like you get called into the program director's office and they had three letters from the Christian community or whatever and they were very upset that you said tits or whatever it is and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's three people and then there's three million people that laugh their ass off. So why are we, why aren't we taking their feelings into account?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people want to be entertained. You know what I mean? They're, how, why are we so dismissive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of their feelings. If this person could host this show or be a cast member or do a radio show or something and they're bringing a lot of joy, maybe thought provoking, who knows what else to those people. Why do they collectively with 3 million people have zero votes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there was a problem in the network and, uh, the program director, you gotta go down to his office, something he said, it was always a religious nut job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was always religious based. It was right. It was the religious right that didn't like your language, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get called out now, it has nothing to do with the religious right. It's the fucking lunatic left who never stops talking about McCarthyism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for they're fucking applying it every day of their life to you and your career. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so interesting that if you just, if you'd tap me on the shoulder in 1999 and said, there's a letter, somebody's pissed, you said I'd go religious nutjob. You do it today, I go fucking atheist nutjob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The beauty of the left is when it was the right, they never fucking stopped bellyaching about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never stopped complaining about it. They, they, they were stuck pigs with the religious nutjob right controlling what they could do or what they could say. By the way, the religious nutjob right wrote letters and tried to get like boycotts of, they weren't very, they weren't nearly as effective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people are fucking neutron bombs compared to their fucking muskets that the religious right had. The religious right was like, and people sort of generally ignore it.


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[Assistant] And kind of get on with their life. They weren't getting people cancelled left and right. They weren't pulling everyone away from their livelihoods.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The left has figured this shit out. Not sure why it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this stuff's blowing up like in real time. You go out on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now because of technology, everyone's got a phone. Like that guy is in front of us now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a very good point, which is, you know, Paula Deen made her bones and then got canceled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you, you sell a million copies of a cookbook and god knows and what else, whatever your line of clothing is and then you get canceled, but you basically got canceled on the launching pad. Real challenger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, re-really, you didn't even go, you didn't get up as high as the challenger. I mean, as it pertains to SNL, you went on the pad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're, you know this is all going on, but you still have to be thinking about the news cycle. Yeah. Because if


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's another 9-11 the next day, I'm off the hook. You're off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hoping you're going to wake up the next day and they've turned the page and moved on. Yeah, that's funny. I never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how far are you from the beginning of SNL? The season? Oh, like uhm, two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, they is randos with computers and phones spread out all over the country. Never really, no, there's no organization that, you know, it's not the southern poverty law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, at some point, SNL's gotta lower the hammer, right? Yeah. And I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's been at the helm for 40 years at this point or 37 years or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh more, sorry, 45 years at the helm at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When the shit goes down, you're gonna be dying to get to my phone, which is bolted to the wall in the kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so he's proudly experiencing it almost like you are, in the sense that like, what? No, come on. I mean we can do this, or whatever, and he's getting schooled up by today's technology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like you're being, yes, because you're a comedian. That's traditionally, that's, it's interesting to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to me, it's not really the people that are calling you out, it's all the fucking pussies that go along with it. And I've talked to a lot of these people, and what these people do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I've seen it so much. It's their fault. Because you were really, like, again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, we're talking about the three vegans on the set who wants to get the veggie subs that no one fucking wants. It's not really their fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just want their veggie sub. Agreed. The person that's taking the order goes, I'm not gonna get a fucking tray of veggie subs. You guys are vegetarians, bring your own fucking sandwiches. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that's what people here are meat eaters. We're gonna do that. Or, I'll tell you what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they don't do that. They go, well I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you need, what do you need, what do you need?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's their fault. And it's the problem, the people I talk to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll go like, I'll go, God, can we even fucking cancel that guy for saying whatever, and he's a comedian or whatever, and they'll go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I don't agree with that, but he shouldn't have said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you go, wait a minute, you do agree with it? You don't agree with it? What do you agree with? It's like, oh yeah, rounding up the Jews and putting them in the concentration camps. I disagree with that, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should vehemently disagree with it. And if there's a groundswell of that, this shit would go away tomorrow. But there's so many people going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know he's a comedian and I know he's supposed to be able to say what he wants but he should have known or he had to have known or he could have known. It's like, do you want comedians up there thinking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ten syllables in front of everything they say, because I should have known how people were gonna take this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because they wanted you to be on, they chose you, they sought you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But because of the way the winds are blowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because they're a corporation, they have stock shareholders and things like that, they can't. So in a weird way,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should feel sorry for Lorne Michaels in a sense because he got victimized by the Karens as well. He didn't want any of this, he wanted you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back with Shane Gillis right after this. So, uh, back with Shane Gillis. I should tell everybody. That was fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand special. Shane Ghost live in Austin. It's very funny. Support him. It's free on YouTube. And, you know, we're now at this sort of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Point in life where you're gonna have to, if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Karens and the 100 asshole vegans on the internet are going to be essentially raising boycotts or presenting boycotts and getting guys pulled off of The Bachelor or pulled off of SNL or pulled off of whatever their livelihood is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the rest of the community is going to have to support them in what they do. So it's sort of the opposite of a boycott.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, we're gonna have to go to YouTube and go download the special and go buy the tickets and go see the comedy shows and do that, cause that's kind of where we're at now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And once we're there, by the way, and I think we've hit a little bit of a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saturation point, but we're kind of there now. I, I feel like no more. It's, it's now a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mathematically impossible to cancel somebody if they're talented, if they have ability, if they can just go, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll go on the road, I'll play the clubs, people will buy tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, yeah, I got the guy fired from his roofing job and he can get another job roofing. And it's like, oh, so you're, you're doing what? You're providing what service for him and his family? And it's like, I didn't, I didn't fucking tackle him and prevent him from getting another job in the roofing industry. I just got him fired from his major roofing job. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only solace is knowing these fucks are miserable. They have to be miserable fucks. They just have to be. It'd be impossible to go through your life


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also, or just someone who is in charge of policy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like your joke somehow affected society in some meaningful way. Yeah. It, it, it's really weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It, it, it always feels, I always talk to Dr. Drew about this, it always feels gross to me. Like it feels yucky. Yeah. Because it feels like, ugh. It is. That, uh, it's that, if you ever beat off three times in one day, it's that third, it's right after the third where you just go, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the, I don't know why it's satisfying, it's sad, I hope those people lead miserable lives.


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[Assistant] What, what we need, it, it, we're turning the corner. I, I absolutely feel three years ago, I used to get a lot more like, hey man, be careful what you say or stop talking about this or don't do that. And then I was just one, I'm fucking, I'm not talking about what I'm wanting to talk about in defiance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of what these people are saying, I'm just talking about what the fuck I want to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's just kind of this weird thing where it's like, oh, you're a rebel now. Not a rebel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's kind of an interesting construct, which is I go about saying what I want to say, you go about saying what you want to say, and then they oppose it, and now you're a rebel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and now, you know, people try to turn you into some folk hero status for just saying what you would have said anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. I agree. It makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, no, that's, it's good and I agree you don't want to become a caricature who is essentially


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At some point you become a gay priest who's preaching against homosexuality and it becomes kind of weird and you get tangled up in it. You just want to say what you think is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And hopefully the audience will go along with you on that journey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that'll be the end of it. I don't know, it's curious to me that there's people getting in between you and the audience, you know, or attempting to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how to... Yeah, but, you know, your attitude is great because you're not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe me, I can tell your attitude is great because you don't have this sort of vindictive if only or living in the past or fuck these people or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've been accepted as a cast member in SNL. That's big news to everyone in mechanics. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, uh, so there's that, and then there's the shitstorm that ensues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's the news that you've been cancelled for a message. So that's a rough, that's a crazy 10 days for the family, right?


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[Assistant] Then you're getting all these calls of congratulations at the beginning and then you're getting all these calls of are you alright? I'm guessing at a certain point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. I never thought about that. Yeah, but yeah, it was four hours. So what do you do then? What is your mindset at that point?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, I do remember a little Kareem reference there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I support you fully. The thing about, there was an article that I remember where Kareem


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kareem, you can look it up, Chris. There was a, there was like a Kareem article. The scariest part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is when these guys write these kind of op-eddy things and they're like, they start saying shit and they're using it as an example.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the example is something you disagree with vehemently. Like they'll go, you know, they'll go, uh, Shane Gillis can speak his mind and then be rewarded on SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, so and so can, uh, the bachelor can do or whatever. Do you want to live in that America? And I'm always like, fuck yes, I do. Yes. Yes, I do. Like the shit you're talking about is exact opposite of what it is. It was a crazy article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was probably about, well, it was probably about two, three years ago, right? And he just, maybe it was a year and a half ago, and he was kind of going through all the different people, and also they have this thing too where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminded me when I was arguing with Gloria Allred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, you don't know if this helped or hurt Michael Richards career. This may help him. You know, that's like, no, it's not gonna help him. You don't know that. Notoriety. It's like they do these things like being rewarded. He's being rewarded now because we're all talking about. It's like he's not being rewarded. He got fucking canceled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, you, you, you, you. Obviously not you. Right. No, but that's, that's, that's the whole thing. Like, if you're, if you're talentless, then the bootleg porn that came out may help you, but if you're a noted actor of, uh, and, and much celebrated, it's just fucking embarrassing. It's not helping at all. That article was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kareem Abdul Shane Gillis. Yea, do that. He also went by Cassius Clay. But I think he wrote this later in his career.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he had another one that just, I didn't know if Shane was included in the one where he was talking about all these people being cancelled and why it was a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, you didn't take a lot of downtime and drown your sorrows in vodka? No. You said, I'm gonna go back out and do stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did stand up the whole time. And you felt like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost like somebody saying, get exercise through COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it kept you sane in that period. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how long before you sort of, I mean, were you able to get philosophical about it early or did it take a while?


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[Assistant] I can almost study this through the lens of our, like a, like a sociology major, like this crazy fucking chapter we're in, in our society, even if it's me in the eye of the storm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the sad part of the had this happen to me a little bit? It's like people you thought were friends. It's never a best friend, but it's like the guys you know, guys you've worked with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Comedians you've supported, done things for, helped out, blah blah blah. Having them fucking jump on the bandwagon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it's like, guys, dude, I played your cancer charity benefit for fucking free four months ago and you're talking shit. It's so fucking sad. Do we have that article?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any, anytime, even if it's Kareem's chocolate milk, I still feel like I want that spit take. And by the way, this is this whole thing where they go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm all for free speech. I'm all for free expression. I'm all for the first amendment. But you gotta understand, if you want to come out of this campus with your hate, you know, I'll just need to vet it. Like they, they always set the table with, Hey, I got a sense of humor. This is all great, but not this guy. Not now. You don't bother me the most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And him, self-proclaimed. Oh, I love that. Alright, that's a no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You try to put a little schmear in a bagel, someone's gonna get hurt. But look, let's look at it this way, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were growing up in, sorry, when you were in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, and you were 11, could you have ever dreamt of a day where Kareem Abdul-Jabbar would-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let's put it to you this way. If I got hold of 11 year old Shane Gillis, right? Yea. And you're living in Mechanicsburg. Yea. And I said to you, look, uh, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, greatest NBA scorer of all time, is going to write an article about you. You'd say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I must be an astronaut. I'm over the moon, right? You go nuts, right? It's insane, right? But what if I then said, it's not going to be positive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet an 11 year old Shane Gills would have said, let's do it. Let's roll the dice. Did I shoot the president?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you'd have to wait. You had a podcast. Another long 19 years to find out. It was a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would just be the greatest scenario, hypothetical ever. I just go, it's pretty negative. I can't tell you. There's no jail time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? You haven't heard anybody or yourself. It's very negative and it's penned by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta take it, right? You have to take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You take it. Would you? Fuck yeah! And here we are. Yeah. And there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll give you the name of the standard special, Shane Gillis, live in Austin. It's very funny. It's free on YouTube. Uh, I'll give you some live dates as well. You guys gotta go out and support.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who are being deplatformed because you cannot, first off


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people learn quickly, there is no such thing as deplatforming once there's a million platforms. And that's the New World Order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, live dates, Lafayette, Louisiana, Club 337, that'll be tonight and tomorrow night. Phoenix, Arizona, Rick Bronson's House of Comedy, September 30th through the October 2nd, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, The Improv, October 28th through the 31st. More dates at ShaneMGillis.com. And, uh, shoot him a tweet, Instagram at ShaneMGillis.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As well as the podcast, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Well, this was fun. Yeah, I'm, I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for coming out. Uh, I'm gonna be in Solana Beach at the Belly Up, uh, this Wednesday and then Chicago Park West in, uh, Illinois over there, the 24th doing stand-up. Go to Amcrawl.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uppity, my doc is, uh, premiering on Pluto TV this Sunday, September 19th. You can watch that for free. If you'd like, on our Chassis channel, 687. Until next time, I'm Sadam Kroll for Paul, Brian, Gina, Grant. Shane Gillis saying, Mahala.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is up everybody? Welcome back to Son of a Boy Dad Podcast. Today is... Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 13th. Just kidding, it's not. It's December 7th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but this will be out on Tuesday, so I don't even know why I said Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. So, but before we get into that, let's hop into our presenting sponsor of today's episode, Dat Chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We love datchat and we always use datchat. I like to use datchat to send death threats to people. And then I delete them after as soon as I send them. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I usually just delete it. Cause I'm like, well, I shouldn't be hyping up a competition. So then I'll nuke the messages. I love the nuke effect on that chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say you're talking about The Bachelor, and you accidentally send something to a friend, but then you remember, oh, they're not caught up. Yeah, and it's like, oh, let me delete that. You nuke that message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, we've got a special episode today. We've got a guest who will be in momentarily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's on the table bro? I know. Look at your shit, is yours Kevlar? I don't know what it is. Is yours bulletproof bro? No, it's like fabric and then leather on the inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking crazy. Got all my cards, I got my open mic, uh. A punch card. What does that get you? A fucking free mic? After ten mics, you get a free mic. Are you serious? Oh yea. Why are you keeping that? In case I, uh, go back to open mics. Aren't they like two dollars? No, they're five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the only one I've ever done that has had that. It was a good mic though. Yeah? Yeah, it was uh, it was fun. It was in like a coffee shop and there was a bunch of people there. And like, you know you're doing well if like the people that were just like at the coffee shop, like doing work, like would like take their headphones out. What's all the laughter about? What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was that lady? Yeaah. And I was like, oh, okay. And I got off stage. Got a cappuccino. Did well though. I crushed. Crushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Westside Tavern. Sixteen dollars. Assume it was two brews if I had to guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a thick ass wallet before and then I, uh, everyone was judging me so I took everything out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. A guy like me, bro, I don't need one of these, they already know. Because you're a fucking lid. As soon as they see me, they know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, that would be hilarious. They make, uh, they make their, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you watch their, their show, the room looks huge. It's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Rough gym day. Why, cause it was your first time back in there? It's just tough getting back into it cause the whole entire time I'm like, well I could just be laying in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my muscle mass, I lost so much muscle mass in the two weeks that I didn't go to the gym. I'm glad you're saying it. It's from the edamame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deadass is. No, it's not, dude. Edamame is- I looked it up. There's more estrogen in like meat than there is in edamame. Yeah, but there's also more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's more realistic. It's more realistic, I have a farmer's- I don't think I gave myself one, I think I just have one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the wine in a big cat was so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks like... He looks like he's got some big old titties though. Yea, I mean, well, he's been on the bench. He's got cans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when people at the gym do that where they take up the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, you didn't even reply to his last text, he probably thinks that he's not coming in anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should, you should ghostwrite. I know Drake needs a ghostwriter. I almost wrote a song for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've only pooped in nature once. It was when I had food poisoning. And that was when I found out that I had food poisoning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were just shitting in nature? Oh yea. You took a look at your stool and realized that it wasn't natural? Oh, no. Dude, if you're shitting in, if you're shitting in the woods, it's not natural. It didn't coil like a fucking snake ready to be charmed? No, that was crazy. That was like, I think I, have I talked about that? I'm starting to lose track of what I've talked about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta start listening to the show, bro. Right now I'm gonna start listening to every episode. Also, while we're here, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy amount of people who have been replying saying that they've seen the hat man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, bro, I totally forgot about this, I had this happen to me when I was so young and I completely forgot about it until now. Maybe they were watching like, Oliver Twist or some shit like that? And then, dude, people are sending me like, videos to like documentaries about it. Do they have video proof of the hack?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you were. No. Sixth grade is twelve. I wasn't on Twitter in sixth grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I was younger then. Maybe I was younger. But no, I don't think I was, because I think I must have been in 8th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, I understand. Sometimes it works, and it's funny. Other times, if someone does it and they're not doing well, it's really cringey. They're just pretending to laugh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think people are pretending to say them for the first time. You just gotta text from the young ball. He's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like you don't want to be here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever rock a money clip? No. No? Good God. I had a money clip when I was like in like 5th grade. Alright, that's, that's fair. Yeah. That's fair. It was sick. It was sick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandpa had a money clip, so I got one. I didn't even have a money clip though, I just had like a, like a paper clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I could see it becoming a problem like doing stand-up. Oh for sure. Do you get drunk every time you go on stage? No. I get drunk a lot of times after. Are you like dead sober when you go on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I saw he was on that, uh, Netflix festival lineup. Mmm. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way it is. That's the most fun point of like social media. True. Being a hater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're kind of a legend. Dude, that's the worst. That's like in Time Square. That was when, like, we live in Hell's Kitchen right now and I had to like walk through Time Square to go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like I remember like that was instantly when I knew it was like a fuck up to move there because I would like walk home and they'd be like I'd be like pissed and like Elmo would like come up and like try and hug me and like at it because they try and like be nice to you so that you take a picture with them and you have to pay them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your name rings bells. Yeah, I was about to say, do you not think it rings bells? Cause it rings bells. Your name rings bells. No. Dude, some dude yesterday sent me a video of me walking up in like my cap and gown at graduation. I was like, dude, where the fuck, I don't even know where to find that. Where the fuck did you find that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They like, they, I don't know where they get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did em, I did em. I did em for like a couple months. But it came to a point, it was also like right when they opened up again, it came to a point where I was like, this is, I think this is less helpful than it is. It could be, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would like go from work at like 5 and I would like take the train and I would like go and do you gotta pay for like the two drink minimum and stuff and then you get there and it would be like me and one other person, the host. And they'd be like, you guys can do like 15 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kidnapped him, he took his phone away, and he was feeding him shots. And we were out until like 4 in the morning. Wait, that night? Yeah. Oh man. I missed that.


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[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the best part about Barstool is that the fans hate everyone at Barstool. They hate Barstool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what popped it off. Do people hate listening for a bit? Probably, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to hate listen to one podcast and I turned it off in like 15 seconds. Yea, it's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I wish I did because it was going so well. And then I was like, where the fuck is the light? And I started panicking and just saying random shit. I thought about flashing mine. Yea, you should have. I would have loved that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, damn, I got nothing. And I'm like, I had like my phone, like, on the bench, and I didn't really look at it, but then I'm just like scrolling up and down, and I'm like, there's nothing left. There's nothing here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could see that. Especially cause it's long. Yeah. Listening to something, I could listen to something of myself for like a minute, but almost an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they will be sweet. Yeah, I think he's got a lot of good shit. I hope it's cool. He's also the face of bird dogs. Nice. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, even like with selling tickets and stuff like that. For sure. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like MC Hammer, just have massive pages. Everyone, every Patreon I click on, no matter how small or big the podcast is, they're all making like a shit ton of money. Yeah. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna ask you, I was gonna ask you about SNL as a joke, but then I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, same. It's so bad. So you listen to Drake's new album and everything? Yeah. Drake's been on my top five like every single year. It's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you must have been like, you gotta be like top 5 worst cancels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to a football game at Penn State with Rhone and he was just buzzkill. Not the kind of guy you want to watch a game with. No, I was like fired up and I cared. I was like, let's fucking go bro. Everyone's having a good time and Rhone's yelling at the refs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do that, you're getting a wedgie. We shouldn't even- We went to a- I went to a Red Sox game with- or Red Sox Yankees, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had times where I'm laying in bed and I'm like if I was making like a billion dollars a year I would be doing the exact same thing that I am right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Playboi Carti, have you ever seen Playboi Carti's like, uh, his like, uh, snack cabinet? And it's just like gushers and fruit roll-ups and like, and like, uh, fucking cereal and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the word? Is he on Roids? No, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What she's also gonna do is log whatever she said the moment before the panic attack, and that's how she starts the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know how the Silk Road, the Silk Road, which was something that would spread across all the Middle East, all these ideas, like spices, uh, it was just connecting the world at that point, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In these communities, there are traffickers of information.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See Naeem, Naeem actually, he actually to me looks like a very particular black dude on the slick road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, because again, like he, he is scheduled this time each day to feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, maybe you moved beyond running Stimpy, but the animation is still kinda hypnotic and the jokes are still- I actually find it jarring and disturbing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the opposite of that, like that guy tried to bully me, so there was a guy that was in that class, in those classes, clearly an autistic dude, he was an albino exchange student, and he was like in the special ed wing. Oh that'll make you autistic, albino and exchange student. That's how you catch autism right there, that's how you catch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he was so disruptive in those classes that they brought him into, uh, like the honors classes to like show him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was so fucking volatile. He was like a self-contained Tasmanian devil world. So everybody just tried to stay away from him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, I think he understood English better than he let on. I think he was like, to me, you know, from my observation of noticing nuance from the outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did the beef originate? I don't know. I think it's just like, they see me and they know they can do it. You might have wanted a wall. Dude, I think I just- You could have just built a wall. I'm walking around with my, dude, flip, I'm arm band flip green. They see, no matter what they see me, they see me with my arm band flip green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I refuse at that, but I'm in middle school. So if I see dick at this point, I'm gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm just trying not to fucking make eye contact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ended up, I saw, I sn, I snitched on the dude, I told that he, uh, pissed on my leg. And he ended up getting expelled from our school. Oh hell yeaah. Get him out of here. He did the right thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the break. They were like fucking in the hallway. Yea, cause like, that was my school, Pottstown High School. They were constantly like sprinkling a couple little juvenile kids, either two dudes or two chicks. They were always sprinkled too. They were just so bad. Yea, so the chicks showed up to start fucking everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And the dude showed up and then all the chicks were like, wanted to fuck this dude because he's like this rebel. They're always like slightly good looking, you know what I mean? That's very true. So dude, it changes, it fucking changes the environment completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I know that's a terrible thing, but like, man, what are the odds of going into the bathroom to grab an angry shit? To grab a dookie, and there's a dookie, right? That mean God wanted that to happen, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, some schools, some schools did not know how to, some catholic schools didn't know how to recruit from the hood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's literally how I got fat. My whole entire life, until I graduated from college, I ate basically chicken and broccoli.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, but not too much, because you don't want- What kind of sauce? I would mix it up. Barbecue. Teriyaki. You know, honey mustard. You gotta constantly keep mixing it up. You kept it fresh in that burger. Teriyaki is my favorite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, sorry, yeah, I mixed it up, but when I fucking graduated, like when I told everybody before I left college, they were like, what are you gonna do? It's like the first thing I'm gonna do, I'm getting fat as fuck. Anything I want. I'm gonna eat literally anything I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda yeaah. But you can feel it. Like you know how your workouts went. You know what I mean? And you can feel like how your body is like tuning up towards the day of the- It's like a pitching arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a juggernaut though. I, I, I, low post, back in, spin moves, all old man moves now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't my claim to fame, so I keep a fresh vert. What's your vert? What are you working with? I would, probably at this, I would say like, reasonably like 32-33.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At my height, dude, like he knows people that I grew up with. At my height I was a 43 inch vertical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a beast. It didn't look real. That's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're out of middle school, we're into college now, and what he would do is he would cut in front of me in all of the food lines. Indian dude. Every fucking time. What? Dude, every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was hilarious. It was one of the funniest things that happened to me all day. And he would just like cut in front of me like, like I would be, I would order like a chicken fritter sandwich from the thing. They'd go back there and make it for me. As they were handing it to me, he'd come out of nowhere and grab it and look at me like, and just like walk away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's, yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, dude, it was like, everything was bountiful at Lafayette. You know, like, everything flowed. So it was like, it didn't matter. It was true. But one time, he caught me, he jumped in front of me at the omelet bar, and he got the last little chunks of ham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I spazzed, I spazzed on him. I was like demanding that anybody that knew that he spoke English step up. Because I didn't believe he could be at Lafayette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a school in America studying history. So he could talk. Dude, he was eloquent. Yea, he could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even, I didn't even, I didn't even start and finish a meal at the same table. Like I would get up with my, like sit down, like get a little couple jokes in, hear a couple jokes, laugh. As soon as the vibe was at its peak, I'd take it to another table where I could like, I could bring the vibe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're my favorite. They're the best. No, here's the best one. For real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, they found a nice place for him for a month. So he's going to my cousin Frankie's house who has 11 cats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't, uh, didn't Bennington have a bit for a while? I think he did. In fact, I'm sure he did. He had a thing where people would call in and like, you know how it was at Dan Patrick where they would say like their weight or whatever? Yea, yea, yea. These guys would call in and name their number of sixth graders they could kill. Oh yea, that was Ron and Fesbit. Yea, yea, yea. How many sixth graders do you think? Sixth graders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those numbers are a lot higher than you think. We did forget the slave phrase. If slave traders were like getting arrested or like at sea, like a ship was coming, they'd dump their cargo and they'd just dump everybody. Uh, shit like that. That happened a lot. I'd like to revise my answer from earlier. People would get sick, they'd be like out. Yeah dude, you forget when the whole travel


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can enter and make kids feel weird. Or you go. Get em in. Are they for fats? I think so. And if you're that fat that you need a chair to be lowered into the Holiday Inn Express pool. You better be the head of a crime organization. How do you get out? I think it's the same way. You're sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That whole vibe. I'll tell you what sucks though, is cause you go on the road by myself, so then I try to hit the hotel pool, and then I walk down there, take, you know, shirt off, walking outside, and then there's like three kids in the pool, and I just... Yeah, you can't do that. You can't swim by yourself. You can't do that. No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, there was a guy, there was a table of mentally challenged dudes. It was like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yo, you guys see how fucked up that guy was? And everyone was quiet, and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not real. If you're a fucking lady getting home from work, popping a bra off and drinking a Coors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was, I was doing what everybody that talks about cats does, is comparing it to dogs. It's always, they're like, it's like, I like cats. Like, really? I like dogs. It's like, well, I like dogs too, dude. I'm telling you, I like cats. I like cats, alright? You don't roll with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandpa killed, uh, so my whole, my dad grew up on a creek and he had a bunch of brothers and sisters and they grew up on like a farm type compound thing and they had cats everywhere. Every year they would just get overrun with fucking cats. From what? Just a bunch of cats. Once you have a couple. They breed, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one day, my grandpa bundled a bunch of them up. Kittens. In a sack. Threw them in the creek in front of the kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of wrong. They always made him over the top of what he is instead of just what he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He stopped doing stand up, which is insane. Which is always so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how John is with acting too. Like he was with stand up. He's probably the best in our group of friends at acting. When he came in and played your- And he doesn't like doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I didn't stop doing the road, so like, guys like Voss just sat around like, oh, we can't go outside. I just, I just kept, you know, I kept doing it. I figured, that's what was annoying. I got on the flight down here and everybody's flying again. I was like, oh, it sucks again. Travel sucks again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's brutal. We were just talking about that on the car ride. It's like, uh, you get into the, cause I, my whole life I was like, I'm not gonna do SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't that nervous, which helped. Cause everybody else there was like an improv guy that was like, oh my god, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, who, do you see Lorne Michaels? Is he there? Yea, you see him like barely, cause it's dark. Yea. So there's like a table to your left that's like producers, a couple writers and Lorne Michaels and then the rest of the studio is totally empty. There's a camera right in front of you and they're like 3, 2, 1, go. Uh huh. And you just have to do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, for sure. It was definitely like the best vibe I could do, but it was like, it was definitely bad. I thought I did bad. Right. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well technically I got paid my first contract, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to Lorne throughout the whole thing. Oh yea, okay. Yea, yea, he's actually pretty cool. Yea, yea, I bet. Yea, or he fakes it, but either way he's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twitter, you know, there was enough noise on there where like sponsors started to get like, and then also, you know, it's like a, it's a team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well a lot of the cash, a lot of the people there are like, uh, they believe, they're, they're very political. So it's like, they're like ultra left wing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's alright, it's still early though. So she still thinks, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so he was kind of fighting for me the whole time. I was like, this could work. And I don't know, I think maybe they want to change the culture there, which I would have been one of the guys that could, I'm not going to be one of those, the people that are on there that are like, I'm not going to work with Elon Musk. It's like, you know, they were trying to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be. Yes, it is. It is. That was like, cause I've only hung out with him a handful of times, but that was one of the cool, that was the moment I was like, dang, this guy's pretty cool. Cause we were, we were hanging out in his green room and he was just like, I got him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the, I remember one time I was in the car with my ex at the time and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, alright, so it's Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast and then, uh, YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gilly and Keeves were putting out sketch shows. Every Tuesday. Uh, how hard is that to do? Uh, that was a lot. On your own? Yea, yea, yea. Cause we put a lot of money into it ourselves. And uh, the production and all that stuff is very expensive. Yea. Cause the sketches we're making is pretty high quality production.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo Ceo, yo Shane, got my other drip. What's going on? Gang, baby. Gang, gang, salt life, the whole nine. Shane, my question is, tell the story about how you made Dave Chappelle run. I think you've only told it on like dad meat and only took like two minutes. Can I get a full, in-depth story?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About how you, and I think it was O'Connys, made Chapelle run. That'd be great. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys know Brian 6 got that electric scooter? How? Oh, he got an electric scooter. Brian 6 got an electric scooter. For what? Uh, to scoot. Mothafuckin' scoot. Yeah, 6 is living his best life. That's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's, what's like the white equivalent to like the extra bone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I heard he used a rear naked choke nut. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you thinking about him though? I was just, that's just what I think about Starship, cause that show would always come on, that Star Trek show would always come on when I was like, sleeping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, honestly, trash men are unsung heroes. They are dude. We need a trash man's day. We do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day after school I would like help old ladies like put groceries in their car to get like money so I can go to the dominant and get like a pizza to eat on the way home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't know if I want to do last night again. I was just like, I was just confronted with every like, uh, thing that I haven't been afraid of that I should be afraid of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Oh, Sydney. Also, I know what types of YouTube videos you can do, dude. What's your pain tolerance? You can do YouTube videos where you get bit by animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be a hundred. I would say you back down. Oh wait, right here. Ninety-four is seven minutes ago. What the fuck? Was that the snack time? Yeah, that was the snack time. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, real talk. Yeah, I'm the shortest cast member ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure is tenured. Well, you're definitely more known than a lot of people that have had like zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say what you want about how it's written, whatever, like the way it's shot, it looks amazing. Yeah. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, like I don't- There's plenty of great black movies without all this fucking trauma that you can fucking make a shit ton of money out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get, what's his face to play in? Black Panther. Julia Roberts. What's his name? Chad Wick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Name another journalist. He don't got the numbers that Sean King got. I get it. Sean King, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and Tony Brown got shot, like right next to him, which is like a great rapper tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wide receiver. The wider. Pittsburgh Steelers. Apparently a couple years ago. Didn't tell anybody. Got shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course. You know what happens? I watch those movies and like the first five minutes there's like a fucking- take any fucking black travel movie. I think it was uh, The Hate You Give. I just saw that a few weeks ago. Shut you fucking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he obviously believed in you. Like putting you straight to cast and all that shit. Like he obviously believed in you a lot. So yea. You get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two announcements. Obviously, Doucet Palooza, December 13th, Brooklyn, New York. Tickets are flying. Got Cameron, Jib Jones, The Locks, Fabulous, Partisan Fontaine, Afro B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nasty, Austin Mills, and DJ First Choice. Get your tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do say Plooz.com slash tickets. And, uh, if you guys listen to Pandora, I do a great, I put together a great, uh, project with the guys at uninterrupted, uh, hosting a athlete playlist session for Sirius XM and Pandora, uh, did interviews and conducted these playlists with, uh, LeBron James, Odell Beckham, Lonzo Ball, Rob Gronkowski, Andrew McCartrey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dion Waiters, Lexi Brown, Mobamba, Draymond Green, Nate Burrowson, Shanae Agumike, and Adam Ripon. You can get those at Pandora.com. Download the app. You'll get a free premium trial as soon as you get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta have something. I got one, but it's like, it's not great because it's like, I always shot within my range. So like, I never was like, I never like overshot my shot, but there was this one time, there was a girl, she was like, alright, look at me, she was thick, so I like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One to ten, she's like a five. Five or six. And then, you know, we were messing around, whatever. And then like for like a couple days, like literally like a week after like we like messed around for the first time, she pretty much told me like I was like too ugly for her. In like so many ways. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't feel as bad for him now. I felt very bad for him before. What happened? Well, maybe no one told him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Alright, you know who Shane Gillis is, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have a guest questionnaire. Well that's good. Uhm, he's the guy, he was hired by SNL, it was announced on Twitter, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, it was announced, uh, on Twitter through SNL, they congratulated him. Yeah. And then four days later, they let him go. Oops. That's not good. Alright, he's coming in the studio now. That's never good. Ah, now this is, this is all about it. There's no flowers, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what's happening? How are you? Right over here. Feel free, have a seat. How are you? Perfecto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good morning, how are you? HEY! Is there anything you'd like to apologize for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, let's go through, first you get discovered, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? How does that happen? Someone from SNL sends a talent scout out to see you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know? How does that happen? Does your agent say SNL's here or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you didn't, you weren't, I'm gonna get on SNL someday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so when did you know you got some heat from that? So you win, right, and then someone reaches out to your agent or to you that they want to talk to you or try out or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta report a certain time and crap. It's one thing writing jokes that are good for you. Right? That work for you. Your stuff. Right. But now you're writing for different characters. Yeah, write your own stuff, people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when it's something like the O.J. Trial or Monica Lewinsky or Trump where every day you have to have new material on this and you can't appear to be tired of talking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so do you get in front of Lauren at some point? Do you have to? So you do this writers package thing? I didn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about the billions of dollars that cast members have created at the box office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think you're already at a point where you're kinda laughing about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guy in his basement. Which is fine to be in your basement. But you're being quoted alongside names that I know. Exactly right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so you go up on stage, you're really nervous, there's one Michael, you're on the stage, everyone's been on from the original cast on, every big movie star, it all happened right where you're standing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Shane Gillis is in studio, he's at Comics Mohegan Sun, tonight, tomorrow night, we're linked up at WPLR.com. So we're all, we're on the stage now, we're gonna hear about when he got the gig, and then how long it took for all of that to implode. Okay. Chaz Nate doing it in the morning, ah, ah, a chucking lip!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's at Comics at Mohegan Sun tonight, tomorrow night. We're linked up at WPLR.com. So we got through, uhm, how he got discovered, the tryout, he's on stage, there's Lauren. Obviously you did good enough, you were nervous when you walked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But obviously you did good enough to get offered the job. How long are you out there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, how off, how, uh, long after that did you know when, well, you felt it went well, but when did you know it went well?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's that night. And then how long before you hear from them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you get through that, and then is there anything else or at that point they start negotiating


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and then, okay, so now it's that. When does the next stage happen and what is that? Do they reach out to your people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you, if you've never heard of him, it's the guy who was on SNL for four days, right? They announced that he's a cast member. They congratulate him and then all hell broke loose. And we're at the point now where they told you, you got the job. You're going to be a cast member. So during this process, they never said, Hey, so is there anything we should know about you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they did ask, they, they went through your stuff. Sure. They asked you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure all that changed now. Now it's gonna be like debriefing or like qualifying a presidential candidate where they look hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and you think about all of the people that's made it on that show and this is the, so now it's a whole different deal. Now they're going to go through podcasts or whatever. Was there a negotiation with the contract or is it pretty much, this is what we offer for someone who's entering the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, so contract's done, I'm thinking it's a million pages, did you look at it or did you have your person look at it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then goes out the tweet, SNL congratulating you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the first, so you get all this heat from it. That goes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I defend this clip, then there'll be ten more, so why bother? Chaz and AJ in the morning. 99.1 PR. Shane Gillis is in studio. He's at Comics Mohegan Sun tonight. We're going through his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so Shane gets the job, it gets announced that he's gonna be a member of the cast, and then within hours?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's brutal when you think about it because when you're on these podcasts you have to be trying out material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just seeing what works, you're just throwing out whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Shane Gellis in studio. He's at comics tonight, tomorrow night. We're linked up at WPR.com. You're at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport March 5th and 7th. Uh, oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, sorry.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know, I like that, like this guy is so friggin' funny, but this story, I was telling Shane out here, this is a movie. It's, you know, it's your dream to get into comedy and you're doing, and then the dream come, like Warren Michaels and all the, how old are you?


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[Assistant] And then it's taken away from you in a day, basically, right? Insane.


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[Assistant] So we went through the whole, you know, audition and he got the job and then it was announced and then it starts to implode and then, at what point are you on CNN and you're watching, you're turning on the television now and you're watching people talk about you and what you said and debate and comedy.


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[Assistant] Geez, I'll go with him. You know what's funny though, if somebody did, if something horrible happened right at that moment,


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[Assistant] The more I hear this story, the more I know it is a movie. It is a movie. Shane Gillis is here. Uhm, stand-up comedian, podcaster.


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[Assistant] Goes all the way to getting hired at SNL. It's announced and then, uh, within, you know, minutes really, it starts coming apart because somebody has to go.


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[Assistant] Especially stand up, right? Because it's such a difficult...


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[Assistant] How would you brush someone who made a mistake? Exactly. Have you never made a mistake? Exactly. It's gonna happen sometime.


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[Assistant] There's something about the human brain when someone makes you mad.


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[Assistant] Will Noonan is headlining the Chaz and AJ Comedy Night, February 7th. Almost sold out. Almost. Tickets at WPLR.com. You were pretty pissed by this.


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[Assistant] You had some good tweets out there for Shane.


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[Assistant] Yeah, February 7th, Will Noonan and Lamont Price, Chaz and AJ Comedy Show. Almost sold out. Couple tickets left. Thank you, Will. Appreciate it, brother.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sorry we spent the whole time talking about this, but to me it's fascinating. And how you handled it is fascinating. Yes, level headed. Right.


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[Assistant] Well, we wish you nothing but the best, and when you come to the Stress Factory, come back. Yeah, I will. We covered all of this. That's great. That means have fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shane Gillis at comics at Roadhouse. Tonight, tomorrow night, we're linked up at WPR.com. Thank you, brother.


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[Assistant] He's a fucking killer bean. It's fucking tough.


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[Assistant] It's me. It's not going well. The mega bus. The mega bus from New York to Philly. Oh man, the Chinatown bus.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Don, did you ever meet Don?


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[Assistant] Four locos, four four locos have caused worse things. Oh yea, yea, yea.


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[Assistant] Oh, I totally lost my train of thought. Oh, I bet, uh, I bet Earl David Reed was pretty gracious about it. I'm sure he didn't give you crap.


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[Assistant] And you can really track who watched it and...


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[Assistant] Really? That's funny. Yea, they put the iVoted stickers all over it. Yea. Oh. So it's nice. Yea, all the ladies.


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[Assistant] Well, fortunately for us, the ones that we dislike the most got thrown out, so we never have to-


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[Assistant] Kevin Pryor here from American Ladder Scaffolds and Safety Equipment to tell you about our scaffold rental services. We rent scaffolding, pump jacks, siding brakes, and ladders by the day or week. When a lift won't work, call the experts for your scaffold needs. Not sure how to set up a scaffold? Let our trained scaffold crew set it up for you.


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[Assistant] Uh, would you rather have the ability to drink with no hangover, be able to pool any girl at the bar, or become friends with Joe Pesci?


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[Assistant] No. Uh, I would definitely drink with no hangover for sure. Pull any girl, who cares.


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[Assistant] Oh, it might, it's not like necessarily the physical shit, but the, the depression and the anxiety.


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[Assistant] No, really? True. Uh, would you rather take on a mama lion with just a dagger or a pack of eight wolves with just eight bullets and a gun? Uh, you gotta go wolves.


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[Assistant] You gotta go wolves. A lion will, fuck, a lion is definitely gonna kill you.


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[Assistant] A hundred percent. A hundred percent the lion would kill you. The wolves...


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[Assistant] But, but, if you had to decide to get killed by a lion or eight dogs.


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[Assistant] Enclosure to take a picture that fell into the, uh, wild dogs.


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[Assistant] Has to be in a... I don't know, that's weird.


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[Assistant] I don't know. Yeah, they complain about Jews while you're cutting peo- yes. Jews- I don't know. Base racism doesn't-


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[Assistant] These fucking dickheads. Uhm, who would win in a fight? Damn. That's actually really...


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[Assistant] Ming. Yao Ming's also, he's also athletic for a big man. You know what I mean? It's not just some giant.


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[Assistant] Do you think you could beat any creature on earth if you had two samurai swords? Absolutely not. Uh, any creature on earth? No, I fucking...


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[Assistant] I don't know, who the fuck, if somebody killed me, yeaah. I would imagine somebody had a show, I'll tell you who you gotta worry about, this is the right wing.


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[Assistant] Those death threats. I got a bunch of death threats. The right-wing ones.


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[Assistant] Now, cause I made a joke about Trump getting shot. And just right away.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, damn. I think Indians, bro. I think it's not even close. Which you would think, truthfully.


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[Assistant] I think you would think Asians would make a strong push in the spelling bees, and you don't see them too often, do you?


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[Assistant] Damn, win a game show. Well, what's a fuckin' just a pure luck one?


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[Assistant] The point of the show is like, wow, isn't this guy incredible? And it's like, no, he's just an autistic guy that got obsessed with Price is Right and made a computer program with, he had a spreadsheet with every price of every bidded


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[Assistant] You know, everything they bid on, he had the price and he memorized every item.


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[Assistant] A. The people who clap during a movie or B. The people who clap when the airplane lands.


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[Assistant] Right? Those have to be the, yea, that Venn diagram is the exact same. Uh, people who clap during, I haven't experienced the clap during a movie.


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[Assistant] I just got hit with it, I saw it in 1917 in a sold out theater and people clapped.


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[Assistant] That seems like a, you know, white people don't get enough shit talk. No, no, no. Black people don't clap during a movie.


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[Assistant] Black people are doing other activities. They're answering phones, they're talking. White people clap during a movie. That should be the question. Which group is worse?


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[Assistant] People who answer the phone during a movie or people who clap during a movie. And I would say people who clap.


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[Assistant] It's been, it's been a month, a good month. A lot of people were wondering, I got a couple of tweets. What is that? Polo you stole from your dad? Oh yeaah. We need to see it again. You look great.


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[Assistant] So wait, do you think this was, do you think that this


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[Assistant] Lady, had her daughter at the coffee shop because it was National Daughter Day?


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[Assistant] Every day, every day, me and Tommy both really usually have nothing on our schedule. And I'm always, I sit there, I sit on the couch all day, and Tommy's like, ah, I'm gonna go work. Just sitting in a fucking croissant shop.