[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good. That was good. Yeah, thank you. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's how, that will work actually. I think that will work. It's like, you know what, if the, you know, and this is a true story, I rarely tell true stories on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This podcast, but this one is kinda true. Okay. I'm being real. So back in the day, when I was a kid, I used to go to A meetings, right? And there was this English guy named Barry. I don't think that I'm giving anything away. And Barry was, he, I'm not kidding you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hobbits would call him a little person. He was that little. And he was stocky. And he had these, he was from England. He had these rosy cheeks. And he was little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One day I go, hey, do you not want to meet women? He goes, well, it's just not in my path. I've tried and it's not, so I just, I'm just focusing on spirituality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And focusing on, and so be it, it's God's will or whatever. You know, spiritual guy. And then years later, I came back, I was in that Living Allay, I went back to an A meeting there, and Barry was married with this really hot chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a little older, but she was very pretty. And I just thought, I think that worked for him. Just focusing on his thing. And then when the time came, his, the love of his life came around the corner. At that age. So, let it go, I think. Don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, honestly, if you and I were not doing this as a business, you think I would have been able to land somebody like this? I'm surprised you were anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, um, I don't know how I feel about that, but anyway, I believe that, you know, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if you're good at whatever you do, they will come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. I think so too. Like this guy. You have a beautiful wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, I mean, your cousin Bryce is way better looking than you. You have a hot cousin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this weekend you're gonna be in, uh, Lafayette Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Madison one, comedy. I haven't done that yet. I haven't done comedy on state. So good. I've heard it's great. Have you done Denver?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The better room, for sure. Good. I mean, if you want a list, I think Tempy would have you. Have you played that? I'm doing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there you go. Those are your gates? Zoom in. I'll tell you what's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so go, go down. He's playing Phoenix. What is he? Oh, well first of all, you know, you're playing Rick Bronson's room. I love Rick. He's a great guy. Have you played his Minnesota?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Have you done his Edmonton room? No, I haven't. Yeaah. I just had to- Rick Bronson's my boy. I love that guy. He's a friend. Milwaukee Improv. That's gonna be great. Go down. You know who owns that? One is uhm, my friend Tony. Out of Schaumburg. Secret Group. What's that? I don't know what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you are? And then American Comedy Company is my room. I love that room. Yeaah, I've heard that was awesome. Awesome. Yeaah. Ari's in town now. Oh, is he? Yeaah. He comes over Wednesday. We're doing yoga together. We're doing yoga together. Nice! Yeaah, yeaah. Uhm, Shane, anytime you're in town, please come back and visit us. Yeaah. I honestly, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just cool that you're here, man. And I uhm, I've always wanted to meet you. And uhm, I'd like to be friends with you if you want. Uhm, we have each other's number. And also you're gonna be doing my room tomorrow, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yeaah, can't wait. In Brighton. Yeaah, that'll be awesome. It's already sold out. Yeaah. And uhm, do you get along with all the comics that are on that line up? Do you know who they are? I do. Okay, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I don't know, you're doing like a handstand and smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously the King, Chris Varley. Yeah, yeah. Crossed Chippendales. Swayze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. They're really good at like voicemails. Yeah. You know. Oh, sorry. I missed you. I was just thinking about you and figured I'd give you a call. I lose my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my recollection I was floating. I wasn't moving my feet when I was walking out of the place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the late 90s, there was a stretch where video game magazines had like obscene advertisements in them. Yeah. That's pretty tight. Are you fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I knew a dude, a friend of ours growing up, me and Danny knew, was a carpenter and I think that was like kind of a rough time when he had to transition away from like the boys into that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But knowing Macaulay Culkin, he made sure he schemed on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might just be fighting absolute greatness, dude. You could be the bearer of light, Wicker King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went, he, his fairy fully crossed over though, so I think, yea, I think if you're in like purgatory, the trash, once you fully accept greatness, then you just all of a sudden, and someone's like, what the fuck, and you're like, it has happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think his nerdliness will forever keep him from attaining Kangly status. I think he's at best a Duke. And he knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I respect him, I mean, you know, he knows this. Like, he's not in the House of Horus. House of Horus is a dude who fully aligns. And is like, did you ever read about Ancient Egypt when they linked Northern Egypt with Southern Egypt?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah bro, that's a house of horrors. That dude just rose up, he's like, I think Egypt needs to be won and killed 5,000 people. And everyone was like, good choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice job. He's like one of the greatest, they don't know exactly who did it, there's two dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, he's held up as like, that's like the hieroglyphs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, dude. This dude united and he was like, fuck that, it bothered him. He was like, this is fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole idea in ancient Egypt was like there was this divine order that was right, but it needed material people to enact the right order and then thus create it in real life. So when that dude did that, he was said to be living in the house of Horus, cause like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget the guy's name. There's two guys that could have been. They're not exactly sure which one did exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got, he got real, they got really into Eastern, the Eastern religion, cause you know how the fucking like, Hindus had swastikas? Yea. Yea, Hitler was like, hold up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see Adam Levine being more like an Episcopalian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so the eastern philosophy came in, and it kind of ruled, which is when you're like, no, here's the deal, white people are clearly the best, the eastern philosophy comes in, that was like for intellectuals, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit fucking rules, like I know Christianity's pretty tight, but like, I don't know guys, this is fucking dank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it was a big thing, so you're doing your thing, and you're like, Hitler had to be like, yeah, those were all white guys like 30,000 years ago, and then we left and came here. That's just our stuff. Come on, huddle back in here, guys. So that was, there was a big, uh, wing of the propaganda arm that was like, that's why it goes, that's why I ran to this day, like, they'll chuck up Nazi salutes at soccer games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple of them. What? Cause Iran's convinced they are the ancient Aryans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Germany got like deep into Iran being like, no, no, no, you guys are us, like you're us for sure, like you're us, chill. You making this up? No, it's real, this is real. That's crazy. Iran means land of the Aryans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I swear to god. I believe you. It started in like 1945. Iran's pretty new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're 1940s. Some dude got to the house of Horace and was like, this is fucking Iran. But they were teamed up, yea, Hitler was involved pretty heavily.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or at least the Nazi propaganda machine was like, they kept like, you're in, you're in, you're one of us. And then they never would say, at the end, the guy was like, bro, what's good? And then they were like, look, you guys are cool, alright? We're not gonna say you're part of the master race, but you guys are cool. And they were like, what the fuck, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they fucked, they dick-teased them on Master Race status. The Nazis dick-teased Iran. And the guys, it was like the dad and then the dad died and it was the son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, yo, we should get into this Germany shit, and they were just like, yo, say we're part of the squad in Germany at the last second. They kept being like, yea, yea, for sure, for sure. At the last second, they were like, you guys aren't part of the squad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Germany lost two wars. They fucking got, they got their pee-pee smacked. World War I. I think they lost one maybe before that or maybe they dominated, I forget. And then World War II lost again. They were like a butt-hurt country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I think I exactly know what you're saying. We have like English people, Italian people, Scottish, and we can kinda get like a decent read based on like a thing that is easy to like surmise in large quantities. I can say something about Irish people pretty easily, but like yeaah. You're talking about stereotypes. Yes, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, B's way in, dude. Yea, B's how about it would you say you were a scale 1 to 10?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always say do your best, I'm not a weed bully. Yo dude, fucking dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, milk it. Oh, come on, that's it? That was nothing. That's, we were running in serious danger of getting weed-bullied online. We're gonna get our hits critiqued and make, pfft, that was nothing. I know, dude. I'm sorry. That's gonna kill me, dude. That'll spin me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It changes things. Like whenever, when I'm smoking weed with someone and they just rip out a cigarette right afterwards, in my head I'm being like, there's stuff I can't tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we could be boys, clearly, but like, we're worlds apart. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe, I mean, we're still boys, but it's like, when I see that, I just go like, oh shit. You're gonna rip a cig after this? That's another level of life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If no one needs to get into the team immediately. For bees. I'm fucking stuck onto the future dude. Forgive me. We're here right here right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is. At heart, at heart. He has to be. He's been the best person to ever play basketball with his whole life. He statistically shoots more than anybody else in the NBA. Really? Yeah. Certified ball hug. Certified. Do you think that's what all of his social stuff comes from? His deep guilt about being a ball hug. That's why he started that school. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please. Serious question. This is more of something I just want to bring to your attention, so. Please. Yesterday I texted you, I said, yo Beez, what's good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna come scoop you up. Also, I hit you with the picture of the freeze pipe. You don't say anything about it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. You don't, you just go, okay, cool. Or sure. No, I said sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did. Immediately. Immediately. I made it like 35 minutes. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would go to Blizz's house and chill with him and we'd walk up, there's this area on fucking 16th street that I like, every time, I was telling Blizz, cause Blizz, something happened to him on that street and I was like, yea I don't come up here, every time I come up here I almost get in like a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Driving or walking up here. Like I'll be driving, this is like a little stretch on 16th street. And people just like, there's like, everyone pops off and it's just a two block radius where everyone fucking pops off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, maybe, but it's like, but I pop off too, that's my thing, I can't help, and it's like I'm working on not popping off, but I'll get, I'll pop off, no, like I can't not pop off, and I'll instantly, I'll try to backtrack, but like dude, I've popped off twice on this street, same block, like walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's up from there, it's up from there, but it's in the same kingdom. So it's up, it's up from there, and it's like, so I've already popped off twice, one time with kid, like a group of kids, and like dragged in an elder like, bro, like, I'm popping off, can you pop off these kids? He's like, I'm fully popping off right now. My wife's popping off to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I gotta get that out of myself. Where like if I get popped off on, I fucking spaz and pop off. I'm gonna get killed dude. You're unfortunately about it. It sucks dude, I wish I wasn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm half, cause like the other half to go fully bowed and it's like I'd really like to avoid that. That's why I don't carry a gun by the way. I would spaz shoot someone. If I carried a gun on me, I'd spaz shoot someone and be like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I didn't fully spaz shoot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, or just flash it, that would be my problem. The oh yeah is just too delicious to let that go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's almost like there's this like subclass of people who get to say exactly what we do and don't do on some level. Who also get to like, murder thousands of people. And be like, nice job guys, everyone go home. Hey, what the fuck man? You're going to jail forever. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's good they do that, I think. I think the majority of people need that thing to keep us from murdering each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, that's true. That's a terrifying job too. To be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, there's this valley over here, uhm, it's kind of fucking us up from like an oil standpoint, like we need oil to like, stay as a big country. You think we should bomb these guys? And they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is crazy, that's the ultimate oh yeaah, when countries start to argue and we just drop like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fine. The ultimate, oh yeaah. That was, that was definite. Oh yeaah. You're in your house, you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, just whatever. They get it. We'll pay them. That's the ultimate, dude. That's the ultimate fuck around to find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is your whole country disappearing in a hot flash? Mmhm. That's not nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's something. It's something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is all doom and gloom. This is doom and gloom now. We're light in the darkness. We're going down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing at all? Nah. Nah. Grow up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what's gonna happen to you, I read about this last night. Yeah. You're gonna get sucked into the lower astral realms. That might be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] B, so have you been sold on the Afterlife or are you still a star on JT?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a deep lower astral scare today. I woke up at like four to put Maya back to sleep. You know when you interrupt your sleep and you get sleep paralysis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put it back to sleep. And when you interrupt your sleep like that, people who try to learn how to astral travel do that on purpose. Cause it sends you into a sleep paralysis is a launching pad for astral traveling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Hitler and stuff who was kind of mean. Full of dudes who were like kind of mean and shitty. Get hung up on the astral realm and they have to go through a whole other lifetime of learning on the astral plane that we tap into when we dream every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like if you fully like go into like, like if you're dreaming it's one thing, I think we're kinda protected, I don't know by what. When you're dreaming you're somewhat protected. When you leave that, and like I entered the astral, every time I get sleep paralysis, I go into it. It's like, demons and shit, it's scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say once every, once or twice a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sleep paralysis, I got, I used to get like shadow figures that would like, I'd wake up, and I'd be in my room, but there'd be like shadowy figures lurching towards me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, that's what the book said. The book is like without an experienced teacher. You can go around the lower astral realms and get bullied. Which?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think you got bullied in the Astral Realm as well, you were on DMT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you gotta be careful what you're doing. He's like, you gotta know what you're dealing with. You can't just go into there blind. Yea, I got spooked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be a deeper subconscious insight, and you're just like letting your kingliness, that's a denial of your own kingliness. They're like hopped up in the soup. This might be a serious character flaw for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, your subconscious is begging for you to actualize. Oh, man. To actually individuate you. Yea, you were offered this. I think I'm one of those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've got dirty peasant blood, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I have servant's blood in me as well. I'll come into a room and be like, excuse me, I'm sorry. And I'm like, why am I apologizing to these people? Yes. Aw. Yeah. I hate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but now they're doing this whole campaign, they're like, we're actually not, have you guys heard about this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the, you're absolutely right, that is, uh, like 60 to 70, 60 to 80% economically speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, they should, yea, that's, that's like a, that's a pretty serious anger thing. Especially after like a first down, just being like, oh come on, come on, play the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also, yeaah, I learned recently, a lot of black people don't like when, uh, maybe it's just Britney's family, but like summarizing somebody's name, but with a first syllable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to call Maya, like Mai, she's like, I fucking hate that. It's not creative. So if I just do the first letter of her name, now I'm cool. She was like, it's different. That is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it does sound significantly cooler, so yeaah, I guess yeaah. H and K? That's sick. H is nice. Yeaah, it does sound cool to have someone say the first letter of your name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might have to be like tasteful, dude. You might have to go fully tasteful. Dude, you might have to enter taste into the picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Beez, you're gonna tell me there's not some, like, universal consciousness that just made this situation come about? No. Alright, fair enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be sick, dude. It's the full drive-thru you pull in, and they act like real futuristic about it. They set it up like a government hideout, like they bring it out like a briefcase, and you're like, thank you. It's under the drive-thru.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You weren't making a scene about it being like, I'm gonna throw this crust out on this wrong pizza that I got. Just fucking quietly like, I'll discard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is weird to think about, like, if you have that interaction and then somebody continues that on about you for the rest of the day. It's like, that might happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's fucking nuts that he held that for that long, like you said that to me 20 years ago. Yeah. It's like, dude, did we kiss? Like, what the fuck? What else do I not remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually, I'll say throughout my life, I celebrated people who excelled in athletics, I'd be like, nice, that's cool. Yea, especially if they're on your team. Yea, and there was no part of me that was like, I need to be better than, I was like, that guy's definitely better than me. Like, he's really good, and I'm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, uh, I know I don't like losing video games, I don't even pride myself on being good at them. Yeah, that's like as far as I go though. It pisses me off when I lose. I have to have a full conversation with myself like, Matt, this isn't real, there's nothing at stake here, it's not a big deal, I'll lose at a video game. Fuck! But yeah, there's not a part of me that's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, maybe in the moment I'll be like, let's play again, but like, I won't really think, after like 10 minutes I'm like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I gotta get more competitive too, I'm more of a cooperative spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll get into some fighting. That's my favorite video game type.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well, we've now officially started. Wow, did we fumble the ball there, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys scared for a fisherman's friend? What's that? Is that a gummy? Cough drop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say. It's like a warhead cough drop. I mean dude, 10 milligrams menthol. How'd you get hooked up with that? I'm a menthol head. When I buy cough drops, I sat and compared all the menthol contents. Fisherman Friends, as far as I can see, is the highest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're saying if you're out on sea, you wouldn't take, you wouldn't take the help of a fisherman's friend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've never had a mental lady throat with a cough. I mean, listen, I've had a mental lady throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I had this, I know exactly what you're saying, I know. I know exactly what you're saying. I do, I go back and forth where I'm like, I don't need any sort of, like, exterior substance in any way, shape or form. But then I go, I've, I've been like, you know what, no, I do need plant allies. That is bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yes, you have some sort of mind-body connection that I think transcends chemicals. The amount of mushrooms you've eaten, like the weed you're smoking, I would be curled up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. Your ability to eat mushrooms and smoke weed and then just be like, alright, what was I doing now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, oh, thanks for that. I don't have HIV. She's like, I'm saying, like, if someone were to get it, I could literally pull it out of them with my mouth. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we need to bring awareness, dude. People, it's taking a backseat to COVID. Can you imagine getting a, I don't know if I said this before, but can you imagine getting HIV during the COVID season? I've been nuts. I'd be like, oh yeah, dude, I got really sick this year too. I was feeling like, I think I have long COVID. I have very long COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have been nice too though to catch it now because there's all those rumors that the vaccine itself was giving people HIV. Oh man. I caught it. You've been having like gay sex at truck stops for two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in the DSM, the Diagnostics Manual. It's like the thing you like, when you try to diagnose people clinically, there's this big book and you're supposed to pick from one of those. In order to get insurance funding, you have to be like, it's that one. And they'll be like, okay cool, and then they'll like, fund you. But that, there was, you could like diagnose people up until I think 1972 as being homosexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason they do say, is that why when you give blood, like have you had sex with a man prior to 1972? Or they say something, there's like a cutoff date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, there's a question on there. Might be the same thing. There's a question on there. Or maybe it's like sex worker or something. But there's a year date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, that's what, that's what exactly, actually that's what it was. That's the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know what I'm talking about, Noah, Noah's here today also. Noah smoked EMT, we both smoked it. Dude, so the first time I showed up, it was really just one time, but I first got there, and uh, Tom and Spud were like, here, just take, I had this thing like, take three hits and you'll blast off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was Changus, so it's like diluted into an herbal format. I think it's the way it like burns easier. Right, cause with DMT you have to actually like vaporize it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's, it's, the crack pipe sounded alluring to me as well, but what happened, so, I'm like, I heard, like, you just need three hits and you're done, so I'm like, I just focused on getting three quick hits, and there was two grades of the Changa, there was like, one strength and a double strength, so I was smoking the lower strength, and I'm like, so I was like, just do that the first time and get it custom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like thinking I'm gonna blast off. I had what's called a misfire. When you don't smoke enough DMT and it is the worst fucking feeling, dude. Everyone said it's worse to have a misfire than to like just go smoke way too much. What does a misfire feel like? Dude, so you smoke it and you get this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indescribable body load. That's, I don't find it very pleasant at all. And you get hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just laid on a couch, just piping hot, and just like, felt just weird. Everything has peacock feathers. I didn't see anything. You didn't get any visuals? I just got my eyes closed the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just kept my eyes closed, like it's coming, and then finally I was like, I don't think I did this right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I just, I sat there in absolute bug mode and I was like, this sucks. And I was like, I told them, I'm like, guys, thank you for that, but uh, they're like, that didn't, it didn't work. I'm like, I don't have any, cause I don't think so. I was like, I don't think that it worked. I was like, it was just, it was nothing. I was in a void. I'm like, that was terrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, fuck dude, that sucks it didn't work for you, like, you should do it again. I was like, I'm not doing that again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, someone explained, weirdly enough, someone explained ketamine, they felt like they were on like a, like a Mario pirate ship. Just fucking buzzing around in the darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny because, I mean, that is, you do have two people, there's definitely people who like support either side. If there's like a black dude arguing an Asian lady, someone's gonna just instinctively root for the Asian lady, and there's gonna be other people that instinctively root for the black dude. They're in the arena. Yea. Yea, but like, when you go there, who's side do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, imagine if the batter- that would be nice to siege. To see like if that can be sieged at all. And like test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] $1.19? Like as if she's like, alright, I'll give you $50. She's like, yea, that's what it costs. And he's like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You haggle, I've watched him haggle on a haggleable location. I think actually, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Yea, we countered a nuclear holocaust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're just like, dude, and that being like- Like that's obviously not a full holocaust, but like, dude, we wrung that out for everything. I think it technically counted as a holocaust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you kill a certain amount of people, it's a holocaust. There's a number, there's a threshold. I think so. I think the holocaust is just like a massive killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you need, you need like, if you have contraptions going. Oh, you're definitely all the costing. Yeah, because everything else is called a massacre. Yeah, so we're trying to figure out the difference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or you just gotta get like, I mean, you'd imagine, you know, there's people who kill people and it happens and it's like, kill like one person. Imagine genuinely killing like 500,000 people. Imagine how pumped, I mean it's a very wrong thing to do. At once or like over time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take the L, go home, man. No way, dude. That's setup camp, call up the bros, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ordered breakfast one time from, I think it's called the, not the Sunnyside diner, one of those diners down there and my whole breakfast tasted like blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, there was an old thing people used to do back in the hunter gatherer times where all the girls would shave their pubes and like the one witch doctor lady had to eat all the pubes of the girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then from this they would construct, I swear to god, I swear to god, I swear to god, and then you would eat all the pubes, and like that, her eating the pubes would unleash like a spirit force, like if the dudes got out of control, it was some weird thing. It was like a female conspiracy to like chomp all the pubes in the village and that would unleash like a, like a golem type thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even swallow that though. Pubes? I think they drank blood too, I think it was pubes and blood. It's gotta be mixed with something. It was blood, I think it was pubes and blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you'd come in, you'd be like the chief elder, and you'd be like, these bitches better not be fucking around. You would catch the head witch doctor lady, like, swallowing pubes and blood, and you'd be like, motherfucker. That was like a bad hex. So like, this bitch is trying to fuck us up right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he caught your wife clipping her pubes, you'd be like what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depends. Depends. Some of it's pheromonal. There's a distinction between the pheromonal one, which I don't mind to be honest, but then there's, like, BV, like bacterial vaginosis. And that comes from being a whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now let me check that belly hair. Was the guy jerking off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say, okay, I have a question for you. This might be slightly disturbing. But you know how there's that concept in like, I think it was in some movie, it was called Hall Pass, where women tell their husbands they can go have sex with, like you get to have sex with one woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, would you take a hall pass if the conditional was, but a dude has to be there fapping the entire time? But you know who have sex with anyone you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I'm good enough to have sex with her? My body, what if your body has rejected novelty, like biological novelty? You're like, I just need to find someone and just get so used to them that gets more and more turned on rather. They say like in nature, you're supposed to like a variety is what attracts people. Or do you think I'm just gonna be- A novel experience, I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a hot topic, you know. It is a hot topic. Hot topic talking about cheating on your wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, it's nothing better than being the steward of one pussy dude. Dude, that's pretty sick. Being the absolute steward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, that's what I was talking about. That's like the, there's like a, they say, this is like the Christopher, I think his name is Christopher Ryan. Who's the sexy dong guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you practice dude, you get it down to that when you finally meet your bae. We finally meet your kamala.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was arranged marriages, I think. I think there was a lot of arranged marriages going on. So you'd be like, let me, what's my, when's my end date, mom, dad? They'd be like, we're going to hook you up. This is a date. And you'd just be like, I need to go find some friends. You had to go slay pigs until then? Yes, you were just a pig slayer, dude. Weren't they getting arranged marriages as well? Yeah, but like, you know, oh yeah, that would be tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a lady with three tits. Wait, hold on, how much time? Wait, are we? Should we? Oh, an hour and two? Jesus, what a fucking blast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, maybe one day, if you have the right bae, but yeaah, it's tough. It's, again, it's tough, dude. The lady's laying in a bed. Yeaah, yeaah. You know what I mean? You have to be like, uh, I, I just hired-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's villainous energy. But he does rule. The dude is, the dude rules but he's burning on a dirty fuel source which is nerd energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I worry about that. It might be the dirtiest fuel source. The dark, the dark fuel. Oh yeaah. Uhm, yeaah. All I was about to say was that I personally have lain with larger women and sensually it's a divine experience. Yeaah. I've done it before too. Sensually, it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fat woman's curse, they are good women, just only attract bad boys. Baddest boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's over. Yeah, this is like a quarter of America's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, dude, this is like, there's a very specific slim man that I'll see and be like, ooh, that guy's got a super fat wife. I met a dude one time, I met a lady, I had a teacher, super fat teacher, and I was like, I guarantee she has a skinny, like a skinny, super skinny husband. Dude, sure enough, this was grade school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today's episode is brought to you by Liquid Death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, he was semi recently affected by cancel culture over at Saturday night live. He is a cohost of Matt and Shane's secret podcast with his partner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me? Yeaah. I feel pretty good man, I think. I was just trying to think earlier about how I'm feeling. I think, sometimes for me it's like I have to think about how I'm feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. It's like I think some people can just, are just feeling, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yea man, thanks for letting me get up last night, it was cool. Oh yea?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, I do think it's funny to find like a real country audience. Like, my audience isn't like a real country audience. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, do you feel, what is your audience? Do you, I was trying to gauge it from the stage last night. Cause you don't know a man, you really don't know a community you walk into like his, like putting on his pants or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you had, there was one girl there who was like, I felt like she was not even looking at the stage. She was kind of looking the other, like she was kind of sitting to the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I think that's what it was. I'm glad she was mad during your set. Oh, she was. She was mad during my set and even Ari, uh, cause Ari Manus was there and he went up before. Kind of a bigger lady, right? She was more, a little more Ruben-esque. Yea, kind of like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, that was, I was like, okay, this is, these are Shane's, these are Shane's bad girls out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] R-O-D-I-N, brother. That's Larry Rodden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I used to go when I was in, uh, school, some type of school, I would go to the library and look at all of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was all my pornography is what I would look at. It was that kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heavily bro, I remember going in there and I would go I would get erect and then I would put my erection into the book where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the library, right? Like up near the shelves and close it as hard as I could on my penis. So you were like, tributing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not putting him in, I would open the book. I like the book was, I'm not saying the book was asking for it by himself. Yes. But I would do that man, I would just like, uh, the book was willing to be a part of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was probably 13 maybe 12. This feels like a seventh grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Endeavor. Just something, yeah. I think it was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I just wanted to, I don't know if I wanted to meet a woman from the past or if I was just, that's how I could see pornography.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I remember. Yeah, who was your hot one? Who was your hot teacher?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's literally, I don't know how he's failing. He's literally worming these books over here. Ugh. And I, and I, and I always had a, I was- Oh, we're allowed to drink these? Yeah, we can drink these, man. That's sparkling, do you mind? This is sparkling water? You want flat? Take flat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, nice to meet you last night, thanks for letting us get up, man. We kinda talked a little bit briefly about, oh we had a question, what is this one, Sean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, that could be one of s- that's somebody's school teacher. She's in the bathtub. Is that British ASMR in a bathtub?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do I feel about older ladies? Bro, I've never seen that question. I've never seen that woman. I'm glad she's staying clean. I don't know that lady. Uhm, she's attractive. Obviously, I think she's attractive. Look at the suds on her chest a little. I didn't notice that before. But no, we didn't bring you down here to get anything out of you, man. Not at all. I mean, just have some information, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look to me like a politician, I feel like. And so everybody wants to know, you know, kind of what Bill Clinton's really into, so I think you're the closest that I've ever gotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, those- You know what I mean? I guess, uh, yeaah, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Oh. Yeah, they really know how to pickle the onions, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and that's, yeaah, that's our, uh, producer Riley Mao. He's never even masturbated in his life, which is true and that's unbelievable. Who is that? Riley, the, the gentleman. You've never masturbated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give it a shot. No, no, no, no, you can't. He's like, it's too late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he, no, it's not too, I don't think it's too late. I don't know. Hopefully he can, I don't know, he might have autism. I don't even know him that well. He's a great, great guy and I'm glad that he's here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up, it just kind of fell in the conversation that... And uh, are you doing okay, Riley? I am. There you go. You just never masturbated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's part of a religious group and they don't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a professor, I guess, I think then it was just a teacher, you know, and he would, I remember he drew a picture of a wiener ejaculating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was he like making the noise with it? I remember he, I do remember he was one of those double chalkboards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Derrick Ustner was his name or something, and I think his son might have died, but he died, but... His son died too? I'm pretty sure, uh, I don't want to say that, but I'm pretty sure. And he had the biggest mustache, like, I don't know, his words, like, I felt like his words were...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We just couldn't understand what he was talking about. It was crazy. You know, it was just different times back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I've never really had an experience with an older woman. So I haven't had that experience. Is it? You just let them go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, legally aged women, it can get a little bit dicey. But yeah, I guess if you have an older lady, you're kind of the little, the little, you're the meal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, I'll pat him on the back hard enough. Sorry, brother. I don't want to say that kind of stuff in front of, I, you know, I'm not trying to, I'm trying not to jerk off and he doesn't. So it's, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, uh, do you have a lot of sensations in your body, Riley? Uh, not really, no. I was kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, do you have a lot of sensations in your body, Raleigh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not really. Are you serious, man? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was concerned with, if you don't have any- Oh, it's like your penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I don't. So you get erection? Right. Okay. And what do you do when you do? Do you go outside? Do you put your hands in like a, do you just calm down? I just ignore it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. That is power, bro. That's pretty impressive. That's power, dude. You're like the Karl Malone of your own media, bro. I mean, that is insane, baby. Yeaah. Wow. I mean. That's wild, man. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to see, I just want you to be, I want you to be happy man. Do you wish you never had? Never had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, wow, well, but yeaah, that's how I used to go into that library and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I liked it and the lady, this is a reason we were able to get away with it. And I say we is just me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our principal, I remember we could still get beaten at school. Oh really? And I remember getting spanked by the man, Bill Brady, and I saw him at a funeral recently and he seemed like a nice guy. I was actually kind of glad he was the guy. At the time, I didn't know who he was as a kid. I didn't, you can't look in his eyes and get an idea of him, but as an adult, I was able to just look in his eyes like, oh man, you're at the funeral. Was it the cum guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No, it's not that guy, man. Thank God. Different funeral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy, yeah, this was a, oh, this fella that passed though, he had, we'd been in a hot tub, I've told this story before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, he passed bro, but, oh everybody dies man, that I know. But, he, we, the first time anybody ever ejaculated in our, in our, we were at a party and someone did it in a hot tub. And none of us had ever seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy was erect under the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was doing like a, remember Loch Ness monster, the drawing? It was like the biggest, most important thing. He kept doing that a little bit, just Loch Nessing his wiener out the hot tub water. That's very funny. It was pretty cool, man. Especially at that age, we're dying. Now he is since past. He is still alive, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at one point he was, I guess, pleasuring himself. He leans up out of the water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, man, that was an interesting one. Uhm, yeaah, thanks for having us over there, man. I know we talked about what it was like going on in Rogan and just like the nervousness, you know, cause you've been in there, I mean, I haven't been in there in a few years, so I didn't, I forgot about that nervousness of when you go in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like a library with a bow and arrow, I feel like. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you go in there, so wha- I haven't been to the new studio. Yeah. So you go in there and what's it like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have longer torso too, so you have more slouch. There's more of a ability for you to slouch. You're more of like a, you could have that kind of weeping willow vibe. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're funny. You make me laugh. Oh, thanks. Everything you say is funny. Oh, dude, no, I have left posture like my body style. You have more posture than me. So I could imagine if I had to manage an extra foot of fucking posture, dude, I would choke myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. Is there anything worse than Googling your own image? It's not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not great stuff. You look nice though. Thanks man. Handsome guy. We're having fun. Dude, I wish I was taller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys are so, you, Crystal Leah, these tall guys, George Wallace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tall guys that can like, hey, here's my arm, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you have that ability. You're not like small though. I'm regular sized. That's a nice... It's not. Yeah? It doesn't do anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. We were, man. You know, it's hard to talk to people. In person, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's grueling sometimes. That's why you need Mint Mobile. Yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After years of getting ripped off by big wireless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know the Hayard and Fatcats, AT&T, Lonnie T-Mobile, all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time that you need Mint Mobile. They have premium wireless service starting at just 15 bucks a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of us don't realize we caught up in that washing machine of, uh, fancy fees. But not with mint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, just 15 bucks a month. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan. Keep your number and all your contacts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not 100% satisfied, Mint Mobile has you covered with their 7 day money back guarantee. That's right. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to MintMobile.com slash THEO. That's MintMobile.com slash THEO. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash THEO. You need help!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm asking you and I'm telling you, you probably do. I do. I do. I just filled out a form yesterday to get some more mental health therapy. You know it. I'll be there. If you wonder what I'm doing ever, I'm probably...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting another appointment with a therapist into my iCal. That's what I'm usually doing. Well, BetterHelp, they offer it. They can assess your needs and match you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a legit therapist, licensed, legitimate, bonafide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's available to clients worldwide. It's not a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely. Sometime you live in a small area, you might live on a riverboat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to go get in a thing and a, you know, somebody shows up on a, in a little Peerog on the side of the thing one night and you got to talk with him for an hour. The other sailors see you, they point, they laugh. Don't be like that. Better help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Facilitates great therapeutic matches. They can make it easy and free to change counselors if you need. You can do it over FaceTime and you can do it over Zoom or on the phone. Visit betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O. That's B-E-T-T-E-R H-E-L-P.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Join the over a million people who have taken charge of their mental health. In fact, so many people have been using better help. They are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states. This podcast is sponsored by better help and this past week and listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Theo. If you need some help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, totally. This isn't going well. What's going on? Terrible. How do I look? What's going on? The least I can do is look decent if I'm not going to sound good. No, and I looked foolish. Should I have worn a hat? No, you looked fine, man. And then I'm up there and it's... You did well. Did he start off? Did you feel uncomfortable? Cause sometimes you have an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I bet everybody says that to them, that's not like, probably a sociopath or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm different. Maybe tell him next time that you felt nervous. I think I did that one time. I think I maybe told him that I said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man, that story was fascinating, that SNL story. I was, uh, and then last night you said that you and Lauren still keep in touch a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing like this Under the Dishwater Contest kind of, me and this other guy bro. We got laid off, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just be under there as much as you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, it was like the big, it was like the final one and I got, I got fucking, I got, uh, laid off after that but, uhm, but I never talked to that guy again. Wayne that hired me there? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One Vince Gillis, they still call him, man. Uhm, but, so then, what, but you and Lawrence still keep in touch though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you feel like whenever like you, like that you were going through that there was nobody standing up for you? Or did you feel like, did you have any thoughts like that? Sometimes you feel like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, even your story, listening to your story about going in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting in there, I'm like in the story, I'm like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, sorry to bring that up, but yea, but he was on there, but so were you. I was also on there. You were on there. Did you ever feel like you were a Patsy, like it was a setup? Did you ever think about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, there's so much power out there. They could easily say, hey, let's bring in a gentleman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So. Looking back, do you feel like there was anything you could have done different or was this, this was the way that this was going to work out no matter what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was just the way, there was no other way it probably could have gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's interesting and I hope I'm not bringing up any bad feelings. I'm not trying to. No, I don't care. Okay, cool. Yeah, thanks for being willing to talk about it, man. Yeah, I don't care at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't have any experiences like that except for experiences of learning that I felt like Hollywood, a lot of the stuff in there wasn't, didn't fit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only thing I've learned over the years, like going to auditions and like trying to be like a, oh, I'm just a good guy that could be there next door if you need something, you know, for years driving over and doing that and walking in and knowing in my gut the whole time that it wasn't me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I mean, just fricking, yeah, some dude has got definitely just gotta be, let me just get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I remember, I sent one one time, it was a, they had a, you had to do a Shirley Temple thing, a song from Shirley Temple, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring up a Shirley Temple shot, please. You can bring up a temple. And, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember mailing that off to somebody, emailing that video off to somebody, me singing on a good ship lollipop, and I was like, someone's gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't dance, but I had to sing it. They sent you the lines and I never knew what it was for. But somebody somewhere has. Shirley Temple has since passed. How did Shirley Temple die? That's a great question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Woodside, California, the cause of death. Oh, cigarette smoker. Lifelong. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does. And it'll be spraying Orange Julius in this joint, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just so crazy to see your name that, it's like, it's so much bigger, it feels so much bigger than you. You're like, I'm just one person with...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't drink? No, right now I got like 65 days. Oh shit. So I'm off, I just, I just bought, did just buy this vape. That's good. They're fine. You're fine. Vape?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the old Chicago bear, right? And he had this lady who was kind of older than him, okay, sitting outside, and he's just literally, he would drink a beer in one sip, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would drink a beer in one sip. Didn't he just get like cancer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, right there with the glasses, that's the one I'd spoke with. Yea, I thought it was Mark McGuire do for like an hour, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but he said, yeaah, he had this lady who liked to eat his butt that was with him that was older than him. And that was kinda crazy.


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[Assistant] But here's the weird thing, one of my friends, who you know, who's a big podcaster, told me that he does it and he lays on his back and gets it like that. Oh, he puts his legs up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't need guys like this, that's a predator. Oh, it broke my heart, man. When he said it, and I think I was trying to be supportive when we were having lunch, and... God, it just broke my heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a lot, but uhm, anyway man, uh, what were we talking about? I got hired and fired by Saturday Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but I feel like, do you feel like there is any positives from it over time? Have you started to notice any positives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I wonder what most people feel or think. I guess you never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird how it's like, yeah, do people even really care? It's almost like a lot of the cancel stuff. It's not even a real thing. It's just, it's no one cares. No one really cared about what you say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, that ha- so do you- does that deter your- any of like your thoughts for future stuff? I mean, I see you creating awesome stuff, dude. The tr- the uh, the Trump speed dating thing was hilarious, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, I was so bummed because I'm like, damn, you have such a great look for like being like a new, like Daryl Hammond or there's nobody on these shows that looks like anybody that I grew up with. It's like this guy, this kid, this is the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, some of those days are, it's, it's interesting. Some of those days are kind of over for a lot of comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think just the product you're creating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kind of stuff is hard. You just gotta go sit in your trailer and it sounds like it's all gonna be nice and it's this thing. I think aesthetically or aesthetically, it looks nice to people like on Instagram. It looks cool. I'm in my trailer. We're doing craft services, but it's just a lot of like waiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in my experience has been, yeah, then it's just, you're in your tray, you're in your trailer, you don't have a trailer and you're just standing somewhere eating peanuts and eating M&Ms and eating those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody, you might know somebody at your house, could be your wife or husband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, damn they're, they were born and it's coming up again. I got to help them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a professional hand painted portrait created from any photo at a truly affordable price.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can choose from different world class artists and work with them until every detail is perfect. You can help go back and forth. Hey, you know, Danny needs an eyebrow. Melissa needs less mustache.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Send any picture, yourself, children, family, a pet, or combine photos into one painting. Makes the perfect birthday, anniversary, or wedding gift. Try something different. Yup, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At PaintYourLife.com there's no risk. If you don't love the painting, your money is refunded. Guaranteed. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And right now, at a limited time offer, get 20% off your painting. That's right, 20% off and free shipping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Text weekend to 64-000. Paint your life. Celebrate the moments that matter most. Terms apply. Available at paintyourlife.com slash terms. Again, text weekend to 64-000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To try a new gift, something different, I'm sure. Your partner, pet, or even you would appreciate it. I hate spam, brother. I hate the meat and I hate the emails that are bullshit. You get em. Everybody's always emailing me about something. Facebook ads or some bullshit. Roller skates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sick of it. My email, there's nothing in it anymore. It's BS. It's... It's just damn jargon. Well...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The zebra. If you're anything like me, the zebra can help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Zebra is the nation's leading insurance comparison site, man. Come on. For car and home insurance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do the shopping for you, you ain't gotta do the shopping, bro. You a regular person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In just five minutes you can compare quotes from every major insurance provider side by side for free. All from one independent marketplace. The Zebra pairs people with the insurance company that's right for them, delivering quotes with the coverage they need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And saving people an average of $922 on home and car insurance. Combine. Come on, that's real money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop car insurance without shopping around. Get all your options in one place. Visit thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O. That's thezebra.com slash T-H-E-O. And now back to the episode. That's it. Whereas here we got a question that came in right here from some young gentlemen right here. Oh, nice. Donald Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get cancelled, bro, I think. To start. Bro, you do something, you, uh, you know, do something a little edgy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do something. Deliver a pizza. Yeah, that's shaped like a, uh, illegal symbol from Germany. Yeah. Deliver a pizza. Somebody did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that people are named after a kind of like weather, like kind of light climate conditions. Misty, sunny, dusty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my husband stopped at Little Caesar's name dropping for a quick bite. Husband brings this home truly disappointed. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you wanted to be hateful, you can't, you have to be creative. You want to, but I think, yeah, you got to do something that's out of the box and that's going to be, uh, and then once you're, and then you, I think you got to rap. I think if you're going to go from having no, you need to have something to come back with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do that. What I would do now is do something, do something in the other direction. You gotta do a different type of symbol. You know, I think you need to do like a mason if they have a symbol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could do a Star David and send it to the people that got the Nazi pizza and make it up to them. You could do a, uhm, I don't know what you could do. It's kinda,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's kinda the only symbol. That's like a, yeah, like I remember when we were kids on a school bus we drew swastikas on some kid named Scotty's t-shirt. That's funny. And he...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When in aftercare, we didn't even know what the symbol meant or anything. We were just, we'd seen it on like pamphlets or whatever around town and, and then we drew it on his shirt and then he had to wash the shirt, right? And so, but he had to keep wearing it. And so like, it always had it on there a little bit. It was crazy, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so I think you gotta do something. You gotta rap or do something. I think you gotta really... Or come out of the closet via pizza. You gotta do something that's gonna get you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna get your name out there. So that's wild. So you went from, and then suddenly people know your name at least. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. Is it weird when you see SNL people around New York City? Yea, I'm friends with like Michael Che. Right. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ask any of them to put in a word for you? No.


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[Assistant] I, this might not be what's wrong. The rules, there should be adjustment in the rules. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's so interesting when you take a stand up from what's okay to be on stage and then try to put it, cause you weren't a sketch guy really, or you weren't. No, no, not really. So you're in that space suddenly and.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uhm, and what is this? Here's a picture of you on stage with some other comedians.


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[Assistant] Did they, uh, do like a special thing for you back at the cellar or something when they got back? Was there kind of like a, was that weird walking back into there? No, I wasn't, I wasn't past at the cellar. Oh, you weren't? No. So this got you past, you think?


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[Assistant] Oh wow. Congrats. Thanks. Was there anybody that reached out to you kind of that you were surprised by that was like trying to be supportive?


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[Assistant] It's like yeaah, are we aiming to do all this stuff because we really like 50 years from now you want everybody to not have any judgements on each other or look at each other in any...


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[Assistant] Cause the sacrifice then in the meantime is humor a lot of times.


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[Assistant] And humor's a risk, like always, the thing that was always funniest to me was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A telling a humor, or being a, doing a humor when you, right when it's not supposed to be done. Like the guys at Little Caesar's? Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's basically like German roulette. That's what it is a little bit. Uh, you're right, man. So then the weird part is, the weird part is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if they're black and Jewish and it was, what if they're the owners of the place and it was just a, uh, a plan to get the... Mmm, get some eyes on Little Caesars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens all the time. I think a lot of us don't realize the way that publicity is used a lot of times. You know, like I felt like-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I couldn't really name a sketch outside of that Pete Davidson Chad one that even has been going on in the past.


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[Assistant] I'm not a fan though, I'm not like a big fan anyway. I'm a fan of some of the people I know that are on it that are really cool people, but.


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[Assistant] I guess the thing that's interesting, I guess, but you see guys like Spade, and you see guys like Neelan, you see like Norm MacDonald, guys like that that went through it. And Chris Rock, you look at him and you're like, man, these guys.


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[Assistant] Are still funny, are still, and their level of humor and their ability to be funny in the spot is so much, I feel like,


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[Assistant] Better than the ability of a lot of people I know or myself or anyone these days. It's just like.


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[Assistant] I don't know if humor was just different then or if, I don't know, they just seemed so much sharper.


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[Assistant] These characters? But in 88, maybe it wouldn't have been.


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[Assistant] They admitted responsibility, immediately terminated.


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[Assistant] Oh, I loved making pizza, man. I used to work at pizza. Yeah.


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[Assistant] It's a nice thing. God, it was nice. Yeah. It's just rewarding. You get it. It's a circle. It's easy. There's a couple shapes you put on. You do this, you do that. Boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a boy again, Christian fella that would go deliver for a while and we would make orders to like Danny Glover. He didn't know any, uh, Danny Glover? He didn't know any entertainers. Oh, this was in LA. This was in Louisiana. He didn't know any entertainers, this guy.


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[Assistant] So we'd be like Danny Glover. We just, he was our manager. Oh, you would write the name. Yea, he had to deliver on Sunday. I see. So we'd write like Danny Glover and he'd go drive 40 mile, middle of nowhere to deliver to Glover. And he wouldn't be there.


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[Assistant] Bye. That was on me. Eh, was it? Uhm, here's a question that came in right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, yeah, I always, cause I grew up in an area of a lot of incest, and so when you're around incest, you learn about other incest, you know, you kind of, you know, water seeks its own or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was because yea, like the holocaust people are stuck together, you have sex with whoever is local to you. Yes. You know, which is the same reason that they had incest in our community growing up. Yea. Or a lot of rural communities.


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[Assistant] Bottom line, it's sad to say, but if somebody, you know,


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[Assistant] And I don't think we're, nobody's saying anything bad, we're with Jewish people. We didn't say anything bad. And I, I just, that's something that I thought I didn't know. There's nothing wrong with not knowing something. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, and then I didn't know, like I didn't know, I'd never seen like the charts or anything, like where did Adolf Hitler live at? Like I always thought maybe he lived...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like out front or something, I guess. I guess I equate it to like slavery or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not that it's the same thing, but I just equate it to like a bad thing and then I think in my head I'm thinking, oh well, the slave owner probably lived on the edge of the property.


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[Assistant] Why? Because at the end he just, he just said I'm done.


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[Assistant] The whole world, isn't it crazy how nobody knew kinda what was going on for so long? That's the craziest thing to me. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] You can't keep anything a secret now. No. You know? You can't even keep a couple, you know, you can't even keep...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, actually some people can keep a secret. They had, like, that Elizabeth Smart Girl was locked up for like six...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that about? Months. Kidnap people. They had those people for eight years in Cleveland in the basement. That's crazy. But I guess you just don't know what your neighbors are doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guess that's interesting, but I think if you just put the- put it out there, a lot of people will find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good point. I heard that, uh, Mark Normans was like the seventh most watched special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you like, over like, over HBO, Showtime, those sorts of, uh, the ones that are on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is the interesting, it's just crazy about the world. Like you could be someone who could have the most negative or positive influence and a hundred years later, 150 years later, the best you're going to be is a joke on a pizza. You know? True. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also I think, it's also kind of cool to see the, that's where Nazis are now. It's like there's not, it's so, like that's one thing I didn't like about the Charleston thing whenever those guys came out with those, uh, tiki torches, you know, and they're like, these guys are all Nazis. It's like, if this is, if, if we're down to 60 people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With tiki torches then we're, that's great. Yeah. Like that's great. True. That's how I see it. Like at least you, like it wasn't like it was like 30,000 people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if we're down, yeaah, it's like sometimes it's like you gotta look at some things as being pro, I feel like as, you have to look at the actual progress. It's like that's actual like, if you compare to some of the pictures of like how many Nazis they had 200,000, 200 years ago or 150 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how many, because the crazy thing about that, the crazy thing about the white power sign is they took the okay sign, basically, and made that said, oh, that means white power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy man. Uh, would you still submit a packet for SNL do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have, uh, yeah, I have some friends that are writers. Just got Matt Goldich, he's a great writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to tell the guy you have to do something, you have to put something on a pizza, and it's already been done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you gotta, yeaah, you just gotta think of something kinda creative, I think. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and we're not condoning this guys, we're not condoning it.


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[Assistant] That's a scary thing now, it's like, you don't, it's like, the people who are judging, they don't care if it's a joke or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes I get anger, but my anger is always usually just inside of myself. It doesn't have anything to do with the people outside of me. Yeaah. So sometimes I react, I interact with the world angrily. Really? But it's just the way I interact with everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm a pretty nice guy, I just, I think, uh, with work and stuff sometimes I get kinda demanding I think.


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[Assistant] I never spit on anyone. One girl who was asking about it, but... Was she? Yea, she was. This little... Pretty tall girl. Not that tall, but...


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[Assistant] Something's coming to get me, I feel like something's coming to get me, you know, it's right here. And I don't, but I never see the thing. I got to look around next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. It's almost like a black guy and white face kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lester Holt really, but Lester Holt is, I feel like Lester Holt is secretly a white guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You telling me that's not a white guy in blackface or in tanner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He like transitioned. Even that seems like a white guy in like a wig kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here you go, but here, it's gonna be, in the future everybody's gonna be beige and it's gonna be ridiculous, we were all even arguing about Ray's stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I didn't. Yeaah. But the smell is still there, but the effects of it are still around. Certainly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used to be thicker than, uh, he used to definitely, he would have been a hottie at spring break. Trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, that could be true. Yeah, it could be true, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, it's grandparents a lot too. One more question here we got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, his Festival Online is so good. He's so good. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I was talking to him last night. Yeaah, Chance. Yeaah, that's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta fight for comedy, man. We have to fight to be able to joke around. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the crazy thing is that some people think there really are. It's like I don't think there's one person that voted for a Republican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's wild, man. It's a different time, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you are, it's also just a fascinating topic right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's weird cause it makes it scary to talk about anything sometimes. Cause you're like, and it's also as podcasters, it's like they could go back through anything and take out three or four words from so many things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Shane man, uh, thanks so much for having me on the show last night, and... Yeaah, I'm a fan. I feel like, yeaah, same man. It's cool, it was nice to meet you bro. Yeaah. And uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, wish you the best of luck in all of that kind of jazz. Good man. Hopefully you don't get in trouble from this episode. I'm prob- we might. Do you think we will or no? No. Really? No. See, that's what's interesting. It's- I'm so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you try to look nicer when you were the news? Did you notice at all? Honestly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I wonder if that's why some comedians always want everybody, they always...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if there's some correlation in there why a lot of comedians that's why you want everybody to like you cause you feel like from the jump or something you've


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you feel some type of way over there, Riley Mao?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, sometimes. No, do you have any, do you feel anything about what Shane did? Oh, uhm, no, not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it when the stream is down. That's like a true IT man. You're not even in IT but it's like shhh. I wanna go on record and say because before this, I did say that it would take you to get your core game legit before you could be the IT guy in a heist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think we're, I think we're speaking to a certain, like, your level of scientist. You're bringing yacht culture to fucking fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might have cracked the code. You might have cracked the code. I fucking hate hospitals, dude. Yeaah. You try to go in, you try to make it too, uh, respectful of an engagement. You say, dude, nah, this is life. You're going in there to deal with shit you don't want to deal with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would love if I, if I died at a party somebody was like, he died doing what he loved, ruining parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just got worse and worse though. Because like the generation before, or the generation after sees what it is. They don't see how hard it is to become what it is. So they just think they got it. So there's certain things they think they got. They can only work on the things that they've seen worked on to maintain the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does determine how much you're willing to get loose. You know, cause when I was, when you were imagining what Bill Gates' son would be like in his house and his mansion and shit, I was just thinking there's no, like Bill Gates thinks he's so important that he would have his son protected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because when you said, uh, uh, get the guy with the ball, it made me think, what did you guys call that game?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we had bull in the pit. What was what? Bull in the pit. Bull in the pit's kinda nice. It's kinda sick, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, as far as like those, the names of those games are concerned. Yea, Bull and the Pitch going wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. It was fun knowing that sports fans are just a bunch of dudes that don't think they can protect their woman's butthole. From the mirage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to, I had to accept the fact that I didn't love them as much as I wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, like, for me, I got into basketball because of Kobe Bryant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was it, he pulled me in. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you talking about watching basketball? Yea, like so I was late in the game when I got into watching, like being a fan of basketball. Like I wasn't a kid that grew up a fan of sports. Yea. You know what I mean? Like I didn't have a fucking team in anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen. Dude, you'd be dangerous in the village. Iverson's hard to fucking... Dude, I was also a Kobe and an Iverson fan. What happened? What was that like for you in the end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was pretty sick, dude. I was just getting to see two titans of, uh, Philly. You didn't have a dog in the fight. No, they both represent Philly. Kobe's from Lower Marion. Irishman plays for Philly. So that was like- So they were both defending the village. Yeah. That makes sense. From opposite ends of the field. Different ways. You know what I mean? No, that makes perfect sense. Yeah. Yeah, Kobe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, not just basketball. Dude, Kobe was the fucking- What did he do? Dude, I mean he's easily- Besides having a definite consensual-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened was, from my perspective, looking at the case, I'm not a legal expert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, it seemed like a dude found out that Kobe fucked his chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, what would ensue ensued if you found out that Kobe fucked your chick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you make- he made her- he made her say that- again, this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I mean, is anyone like- I mean, you can't know what too much is unless you masturbate too much. You got it, you got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're tough. I've seen, I've seen a clash, that culture clash of like hard ass white chicks with like normal society who's like, what the, why aren't you complying? Someone needs that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude. No, they got badass kids, man. Yeaah. Oh, for sure. Yeaah, they have the wrong interracial children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Dude, I couldn't remember what his name was for the life of me, but it's Alexis. His name was Alexis. His name was Alexis. Alexis? Yes, Alexis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like so? Cause it was definitely the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? Yea, you can't. Yea, you can't, that's too much sauce. Yea, you can't blend the mix too many times. True, that's the sauce. You know, yea, it starts to create a whole different type of person. You're telling me you can't just...


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[Assistant] Dude like five generations ago there was like a black, like a black chick and a white dude just trying to find love.


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[Assistant] Or, it's your shaman-ness, like it's the middle way.


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[Assistant] Dude. Right? If they call it, cause once they start calling it a stick, that's when they start losing respect.


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[Assistant] Anybody, you go to a doctor for any situation, anytime you go into a doctor for something, you're like, damn, he's gonna tell me to stop doing so much cool shit.


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[Assistant] For sure he's gonna tell me to stop drinking soda.


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[Assistant] You knocked, you knocked on the door, you woke me up. I was in the middle of giving a speech.


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[Assistant] No idea why I was talking about that. You were giving a speech? I was dreaming. I was giving a speech. I was on a hillside. I was on a hillside.


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[Assistant] And they were asking like, why do you think North Korea loves, you know, should we, should we blow North Korea up? I was like, yeah, I mean, I don't think they're gonna, I don't think they're gonna stop with this whole North Korea thing.


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[Assistant] I started talking about, I woke as I was like, I was in the shower thinking about everything I was saying was making absolutely no sense. I mean, it was like, I've watched a lot of their anime. That was part of my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I think Musk is going to save us. He's going to make a bigger, better battery, a smaller, better battery.


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[Assistant] And you're too scared to even try to like riff and fuck around with the app.


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[Assistant] Cause it was like, I had like a World War II military stuff, and then I had like a, like, just about how...


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[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't know what he was up to outside of that.


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[Assistant] Yeah. I don't, yeah, I don't remember, I don't remember my parents belly-aching about it.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, I wish there was more of that. Japan, I tried to watch a documentary about the samurai.


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[Assistant] I'm good, in and out. Well my last two farts didn't smell. Jesus.


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[Assistant] Dude, yeah, we were playing with, uh, I think you were on the road, we were playing with some, some of the kids the other night. Yeah, some of the bros. And like, we were screaming like, FUCK! Did she called you?


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[Assistant] Yes. I, I, in my mind, I, cause we got out of the car.


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[Assistant] And, and he was like, no, it's a different code. And I was like, cause Gardini had said the code, said a code that was wrong earlier in the day.


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[Assistant] Uh, and that's the one that I had typed in. And, like, as I'm typing it in, he was like, no, actually it's this other one. And I hit, like, the check mark, and the door opened.


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[Assistant] So I was like, yeah, I know, but there is, like it is, but that one worked. So that's what I was saying.


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[Assistant] The next night, uh, we were, we were out at, uh, whatchamacallit, we were, we were out at, uh, Zany's all night.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I had been talking to Gardini about, like, good movies. And, uh, that I liked. And we got home. This was like three o'clock in the morning. We get home.


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[Assistant] I turn on, uh, like a Woody Allen movie. And, uh, Gardein and I are sitting there watching it, enjoying ourselves. LaMare's rolling a blunt. And he just goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so what happened? He says turn the shit off in a way?


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[Assistant] And then he keeps going, this movie sucks, Woody Allen sucks. And we're like, alright man, alright. And then, then he starts just saying stuff, he starts like, every time there's a woman on screen, he's like, isn't she a little old?


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[Assistant] For Woody Allen, he fucks kid, he keeps just like, he's not even, he just looks up to yell that. And uh, so I started.


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[Assistant] So, and Ronan Farrow and Mia Farrow are fucking lunatics. Yeah, of course. Hollywood.


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[Assistant] So then, I'm saying shut the fuck up. Gardini also says shut the fuck up. Gardini's being like, dude, just let us watch this thing. I think he's just trying to get us both to shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] I'm like, what the fuck is your problem, dude? What the fuck is going on? Just shut up. And he keeps talking over it and he starts getting mad at us because he calls us hypocrites because he was trying to support Bill Gates earlier in the night. You gotta stop housing these people together.


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[Assistant] But even at the time, I agreed with him because I thought it was, I thought it was funny. It's a funny thing to say. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, I agree. That's totally worth it. So then I start flipping out of him and like, I'm not a hypocrite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree with you. And then, and then it just turned into like, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. And then, uh, he was like, I was saying, I started saying craziest.


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[Assistant] No, this was, I like, no, I, I, we had a nice time.


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[Assistant] I think that saved me. Because I was like, I thought I discreetly asked for a hoodie.


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[Assistant] And he couldn't talk. I couldn't talk. You bombed. I had to bomb. He bombed on their


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[Assistant] And they were like, wait, what? And I was like, fuck it, no!


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[Assistant] And then I was making fun of him for that. And then another one of the producers came in and was like, oh yeah, I've, I've sold foot pics. And then we got into like a foot and I was like, like, we were like, I want to see this foot.


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[Assistant] Oh god, you're right, it was, it was shameful. I definitely, when I was leaving Nashville, I was like, that was bad.


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[Assistant] Sometimes you can't tell whether you just drank too much and you're like, you just, you're so viciously hungover that you're just feeling bad about yourself or whether you're like, I don't, I for real, for real, I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was morbidly obese before and now he's a little guy. So yea, that counts as, that's relatively jack.


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[Assistant] What's that thing called that's scrolling across the bottom and just constantly reminding you.


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[Assistant] That was funny when they, when they, uh, uh, what's it called? The shot when the COVID shot came out and black people were like, nah.


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[Assistant] What do you mean? They can't fathom normal black people?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you ever get in an argument with like a, like a white liberal lady and she'll be like, you know what I mean? Oh, you think you're up here? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Because it's like, I think the point that Sid's trying to make is that like if, if we're to accept that like all black people are held down by the, the, uh, by white supremacy, it's like, oh, well then you're placing white people in a place to control all of us. You're placing them above you to give them power over you. Which I think is not a mainstream concept.


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[Assistant] I think I understand this because I've asked Sid about this a million times. Let me, let me white-splain one thing that Sid, okay, so here's something that Sid's made clear to me. And let me, let me see if this even helps the conversation at all. It might not make anything clearer.


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[Assistant] Where it's just like, yo brother, you know how white people are keeping us all down? And it's like, I think Sid is doing a lot to fight against that being the underlying theme of every conversation.


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[Assistant] And I think even for like white anti-racists, that is, white people here, white people here. That's for sure. Let's help them up.


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[Assistant] Um, or if that's not going to work, maybe we could just, uh, let you guys get away with like being super famous, like singers and like punching women in the face and stuff like that.


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[Assistant] Like there are directors that are like, well, I want you to go on a six month, uh, testosterone and steroids cycle. I need you jacked as fuck for this space movie. And Wilson was like, yeah, yeah, well that's what's up. And then like you're Chris Rock and you're getting your fucking ass destroyed.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but with a high on testosterone replacement therapy, that's, that's going to change.


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[Assistant] I've never been physically challenged in my life to the point where I was sweating. I don't know that this is fake. A nanny made this up when I was a child.


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[Assistant] I mean, what I would want is like an arena, like an apartment sized arena, let's say. Arena is probably the wrong word, but let's say like apartment sized and on a big screen with like a great sound system, they're playing me the greatest hits of like a royal temper tantrum and you're allowed to just smash everything in the room.


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[Assistant] I feel like you wear sunglasses. You have a lot of pictures in sunglasses. Definitely. Wearing like the full like outfit, you know, the full nun costume with sunglasses and like a sick goatee.


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[Assistant] Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'll be like, I'm actually getting wiser.