[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, you know like the turtles throw up the pie and they cut it up and it all falls, like a slice falls on everyone's plate. The guy goes, doesn't pizza come pre-sliced? Why do they gotta cut it up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did a thing on Bob Saget about uh, there was actually a funny anecdote about Bob Saget. He was talking about like, it was so obviously spliced together at first when he's talking about like just like child rape. Like it was like if someone took this podcast and was just like, these guys definitely fucking raped kids. So he had something like that on him, but then he told a story on Opie and Anthony where,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was saying how like sometimes he had to do scenes where he was talking to like a literally what looked like a sex doll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, they used it for blocking, for cameras, like for the eyeline, you'd look at it dumb, pretend it was Mary-Kate and Ashley or whatever what it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, meanwhile, they'd be in school, like on a trailer on set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why pizza? It's just a thing, there's definitely child rape. The guy who owns Comet Pizza and Ping Pong is fucking weird for sure. He's also listed as one of the top most influential men in Washington, which that's kind of weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude, I hope, I hope Trump busts the child sex ring dude, I promise. I hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. But there's a, there's a, the pizza gate part too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, they have a theory that like all these child stars, star, even like Bruce Willis and Macaulay Culkin, they have like things where they like are, all in like interviews. Like where you and I are, I kinda do this naturally, like I just, I'm like uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they'll, like Bruce Willis will look at you in the eye and be like, and the people are just like, what the fuck? And it's happened to a lot of child stars as they got older in interviews and no one's ever talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the interviewer was like, huh? And then Bruce will like snap out of it. And they think it's like MK Ultra shit to where like they were raping them as child stars and then dosing them out on like tons of LSD. Was Bruce Willis a child star?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I mean, he was young enough. I mean, if you hit Hollywood at 17, you're a kid, dude. They come and get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll check his tweets here and there. The funniest part is when you go to the people fighting below his tweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it'll just be like a white guy being like, hell yeah, so proud of you, Kanye. If you need any more information on conservatism, bro, I can hook you up. And then someone like, damn, Kanye's not even, I'm like, I wish Kanye was black. And then like a white guy being like, Kanye is black. And the lady's like, name one Kanye song. It's like old guy got into it and he was like, or like name a Kanye album. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Idiots fighting each other. Yeah, of course. Over this shit. It is funny that it's racially perplexing to these people who are like, Kanye's is a genius, you don't understand. Then he starts hitting you with a signed MAGA hat and you're like, aww shit, I called this guy a genius, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that shit you pulled up? What was that guy, who was that guy freaking out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aw man. He's like, I love you. I love that dude. He's like, I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, okay, no, for sure. The thing is like, yea dude, slavery was fucked up. And it's like, what does this have to do with Kanye and Trump, dude? How does this all boil down?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also like, dude, if you're trans, I can see why you're bummed out. If you were fucking on the front lines, like, in firing squads, and they were like, and they were like, yo, we're not gonna let trans up there, you'd be like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because why he keeps getting called homophobic. I mean, he's everything right now. Once you're one thing, you're everything now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's not a moron though, dude. Well, he is. I think he's levels, I think he's leagues beyond, dude. No, I think he's... No, wait, dude, he's fucking functioning in like absolute, the shark, most shark-infested waters. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But now he's going to get a Nobel peace prize for reuniting South and North Korea. That would make me so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm waiting for Kanye. I hope Kanye's new album is so good. It's funny too. It's terrible so far. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you gotta understand me though. Yeah, I know. But you gotta understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] T.I. will do anything right now to get it fucking famous dude. He's tried everything. Imagine if you featured on his album and then he pulled the signed MAGA hat and you're like, what, fuck, come on man. That's, that's fucking silver bullet in rap world. Being a rapper and be like, I fucking love Donald Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you can come at it as like a place of ignorance and like people will be like fuck yea, like if you're future and you're like grab everybody by the pussy like donald, people will be like damn, future's sick. If you're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother's taco truck, we had this girl in there, and she was like, I love Neil Young, I love Neil Young, all this shit, I love the flaming- no no, she was saying I love the flaming lips. And then we're playing the flaming lips, and she was like, oh my god, what is this, shut this off, and my brother was like, that band you love, flaming lips, flaming lips, and she was like, I never heard of this album, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like the most famous album. And the one girl had a Neil Young t-shirt, same thing. She was like, what song is this? And he's like, that fucking guys. Heart of Gold? Yeah, he's like that guy. Harvest Moon? You know that shirt you're wearing, that band that you love?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm happy for that. Shania Twain got in trouble. What'd she say? She's a Canadian. I didn't know she was Canadian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the other lady got in trouble. Who was the, uh, who was that actress that got in trouble? Cause she refused to go to Israel to pick up her award.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, it was an Israeli actress, totally famous. Gal Gadot? No, no. Wonder Woman? Think about even, no, like older than that actress. Let me, I'm gonna pause and find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Natalie Portman, and they were like, you're, she's from Israel, or she, maybe it's one of them, but she basically said like, I don't feel comfortable from like, what you guys have been doing over here, I don't even want to come into Israel. And they were like, that's anti-Semitic, and she's like, I'm fucking Jewish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the- when you go ultra-libbed, you become an anti-semite. Damn, sure. That's the final frontier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's when, yea exactly, when you're like a white fucking chick, chick with a masters degree in like sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, dude, that's like, that's where it goes. I think it's cause like, you know, if you're like a young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not. This isn't white supremacy. This is the black guys theory. This is a, this is a Harvard. This is a fellow at the Hoover Institute. This is what people would call an uncle Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People will call him that and he would just spite you, dude. You know why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who would, why would, why would, what's whiter than telling a black guy he can't educate himself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's whiter than telling a black guy not to educate himself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came, he, this guy is, he came from Harvard, I think in the 40s. He was the only person in his family to go above 7th grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then he has, he has a theory that he formulated. The book's called Black, Rednecks, White Liberals. And it's, dude, I'm still kicking it around, cause it's fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His theory is that like ghetto, hip hop, black, whatever popular black culture, whatever you want to call it, he was like, he thinks it stems from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An area in, like in the outskirts of England, Northern Ireland and Scotland, which was like back in I think the 1700s, 1600s, there was an area in that little part of Europe that was just out of the English's control. And it was like a bunch of like nomadic just wandering, like just like ancient white trash. And they were, they never fell under rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he studied like their speech patterns, all this stuff, and apparently like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That group of people settled the, uhm, the south mainly and like western Pennsylvania. Which is pretty funny. Which is like, if you look at those areas now, it's like, they came from, it was like, patient zero white trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that other book I read, White Trash, backs that up because they took the poorest, shittiest people and sent them first to America, figuring like they'll till the soil, die, and then we'll come, which is nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like so far it kind of checked out, but his whole idea is that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then you have these people down south and that black slaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that kind of morphed into what is black culture today. And he's like examples is like even like the preacher men back then, it was Southern guys who'd be like, and the Lord said a man like that over animated type. And he gives like a bunch of examples, but it's like, it's interesting to think about because it's like, he's like, look at the West, like, look at, uh, like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] African people who come here, people from the Caribbean, who like, it was like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like, it's like, it's, it's not the, uh, that's not the whole thing, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, his thing was basically saying like the aversion to education basically. That was, that came from, I mean, any poor people really, but he was saying like notoriously those people who came from that area.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't believe you just said that. That's time of soul, man. That's his fucking, that's his theory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I say it, it is, but dude, it's so funny that he's just like a unicorn dude. He's just like a super cyan black nerd. And he just published his book and these white guys were, he stopped, I think, going on speaking circuits because he was getting co-opted by like conservative people. Of course. To the point where he was just like, man, fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, that's the death flow. Yeah. To be like, yeah, but a lot of this shit comes from like, cause then like, that explains why African people come here and they're like, what the fuck are you guys doing? And even like when people will come in from like, uh, like the Caribbean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, they were before like North Koreans or Koreans, not North Koreans, they can't really get out, but like when Koreans would come to the ghetto and be like a middle man minority, like that's, that's someone who deals between two populations that are kind of at odds and like kind of profits off it. It was the Caribbean, like they were saying like back in like Harlem in like the 70s, it would be like the Jamaicans had all the shops and shit. It was just like, cause they didn't, they came up in a different culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll start spinning this off to my, my girlfriend's black. I've said it a hundred times and I'll like start spinning this off to her and she'll listen, listen and go, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Cause I'm like, cause apparently this is what he said. It was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the north, there was black people getting elected to public office, in like Detroit, where the constituency wasn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was mostly white and they were still like, like the racial relations are pretty good. A hundred years after slavery, they weren't that, I mean, there's probably fucked up if you get like stories and stuff, but he was like, you know, they were going okay in the North and then there was just like a teeming population of just like super.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking ghetto black people in the south who were just living with poor shitty white trash down there and they were just totally at odds and they were like, well fuck the south, we're going to the north where opportunities are. So like sometime in like the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More or less, yeaah. He's not, no, he doesn't blame anyone. He just says like, these are things that, like, those countries eventually stamped out, like, that shitty culture, but like, he's like, for some reason, the United States, like, with the legacy of slavery and like, the racial divisions, it just, it won't get fried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was like, and that's, you know when you see like Remember the Titans and it's like, well that was down south, but like, those books where it's like, a mean white family, you know, it's like really bad, but where they leave out is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine one day, if there was just like, like name any, imagine Asians were just wiling out, dude. And one day in Philadelphia, there were just 50,000 more Asians who were just so fucking off the hook. And you're just like, dude, where the fuck are these guys coming from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, and his whole thing is like detached. He's always like, yeah, like obviously people, if you go anecdotal, like there was really fucked up shit white people did, but he's like, there's black people too being like, we've never seen, like they were, their examples are like eating on the subway. He's like, people were like on the trolley, people like eat like full dinners. I'm like, fuck, I do that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You also do. You're pretty unanimous. That's the most evil one is pinning certain foods against the light. Cause I was like with my coat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just watermelon. The one time I got, I was at work and some guy was like from a restaurant across the street. They do love sweet treats though. I think they process sugar better than white people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something as you shed your white trash, your sugar tolerance drops too. It's really as soon as you stop eating sugar for like a month, your body's like alright, enough. Fuck, my eyes itch so bad. You got allergies? Oh my god, my allergies suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the funniest part is about how he said how western Pennsylvania, you know how they always say like between Pennsylvania and Pittsburgh is like Kentucky? Yea it is. So what happened was all this shitty white trash from the south, which apparently white trash is a racist term someone told me one time and I shut up. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's people who will say, there's white people who will get mad at you for saying white trash on the behalf of minorities. Cause they're like, well how come you don't say black trash? And it's like... Oh, I never heard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll say like, you saying white trash means that like, white people who have a lower economic class aren't really white people, they're trash. It's like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew tastes disgusting. I sipped some Code Red not long ago dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ginger ale and root beer. Those two I can have like a glass of, but I have to be eating a heavy meal with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking good. But, so this guy was saying that western Pennsylvania is so, you know, it's serious fucking white trash because they would have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people from the south try to come up to like Philadelphia and like the surrounding areas. Yeaah. And then the people who are rich who are already there were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll buy your house for double what it's worth. They're like, just go out towards like, out there, or whatever they called it back then. Western PA? Yea, they go towards Harrisburg, and they use the wall of just rowdy white trash to buffer them against the entity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like, you see people in Western PA, their grandfathers fucked up some Indians, dude. Not long ago either, dude. I'm talking like 1920. Well, whatever. 1800s. Went bucked up some Indians, dude. It was longer than that in PA. Yeah, whatever it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you don't, yea, you don't meet Turks and be like, evil bastard. No, of course not. The genocide of the Armenians. That's the show, The Young Turks. Every country. Yea, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you read white trash, it was like the English government was just rounding up the poorest of fucking shitty, like literally taking orphans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yeah, my brother has that. That's great. I need one. Dude, that's great. So they would round up orphans and then just put them on a boat and be like, over. So like you'd have these people who were just like absolute mud kickers, dude, landed in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're just like, alright, I guess I'm here now. Arrow goes through your wife's neck and they rape 30 people and you're like, who the fuck are these guys? And that's what happened, dude. That's the Thomas Soule guy talks about this and it makes a lot of sense when people talk about slavery, whether you're dealing with slavery in the abstract or you were living during that time. When people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get mad at Lincoln being like, well, when he freed the slaves, it was kind of cold and calculated. He should have been more moralistic about it. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can say that now, but it's like if you were the president, imagine if you were the president back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people had, there was millions of slaves in the south. So they were really worried about like, if you free them, are they gonna come fuck you up and kill you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the Thomas Jefferson has a famous quote of being like, you had the wolf by the ears, dude. He's like, what do you do? Do you fucking let it go? They got, some guy wrote us like a love story between him and his like teenage slave and it got a lot of negative press, dude. They got a lot of negative press.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thomas Sowell, yeah. S-O-W-E-L-O.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the English dude. Even the French were like, nah, slavery is still chill. And then they finally folded. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fine. No, this is the conclusion I've reached though, cause it's like, you have like the Stormy Daniels thing, to where now they're being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't, they can't, like, uh, what the fuck are they, how are they trying to put this? They're like, she still deserves respect, right? As a prostitute. And it's like- As a slut. As a porn star- As a sex worker. She was a prostitute. Exactly. So it's like, I can, like, it's, you can think about it whatever you want. So it's like, yeaah, I get that. And it's like- I respect sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, it's like that makes sense, but at the same time, it's like yea, she deserves respect. However, if you're in a room with a prostitute,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You leave your wallet on the nightstand, you take a piss and come back and you're like, oh shit, and you fan through your bills to make sure they're there? Totally warranted as well. So it's like everything has a double nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you can pull out stories and focus it towards like, and then Thomas Jefferson did this and was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just saying it depends on how broad or narrow you put your telescope, dude. Cause then it's like Stormy Daniels, it's the same thing now, where people are like, she deserves respect, and they're like, well how much, can we really take her testimony seriously? She's a fucking whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like a CI, a lot of times that gets thrown out because you're a criminal and they're in the court and they're like, well, we're not, this person's a fucking like six time felon. They could, they could have ulterior motives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So like, it also, it's like, yea, you should respect people's humanity, but also, if you're a prostitute, I got a different scope on you, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, if you're around my wallet, I'm kinda like, where the fuck's my wallet at? You think Stormy's gonna snatch your wallet? Is she good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's annoying, because if you point out, like you were saying, the fact that like, yeah, well, you know, white people did end, that's the guy's soul being like, no one talks about the fact that it was Western Europeans, uh, stop slavery, slavery globally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, but to say that is like hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would you say that? It's like, hey, we were bad boys and we were good boys, dude. Everybody was bad boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At any time, like it happened with uh, I was like talking about the Germans. So the Germans were just always killing it. Their literacy rates were always super high. And then like, they would start doing well. Yea, well they would start doing well. And then people would eventually be like, fuck these bastards. Like it would happen earlier on before World War II. They'd be like, you know, fuck these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, yeah, they got a little too big for their britches, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there was people saying like, it was like in South America, there was people who never met people from like, uh, Eastern Europe, but they had the same exact accounts, like how they talk about dragons, how like all around the world, like Germans are represented as like hardworking, industrious people who like just invented everything, couldn't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the fucking table. But then apparently after that whole thing fell, the old, uh, holocaust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, it's, I'm open to whatever man, but I'm, when I read stuff like this, the only thing that makes sense to me is that everyone's a little good and everyone's a little bad. As soon as you start saying like, no, no, no, no, we're the good ones and they're the bad ones. It's like time has proven. That's a bad, bad idea, dude. But it is also easy. Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be white people. I thought about this too, how white people might have like seen how hard they crush it off slavery. I mean like, alright, alright, no more. But then he breaks that down being like, dude, like slavery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slave plantations was like 2% of Britain's GDP. So it's like, it wasn't, you know, people say this nation was built on slavery. Oh yeah, that's, don't get me fired up dude, do not get me fired up. And it's a bad conversation to have at this current moment, but it's like, this was a guy back in like the 70s who was just cranking this shit out, a black guy being like, guys, I hate to break it to you, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fucked up, and it is fucked up because it wasn't that long ago, that is the thing. It wasn't fucking long ago. 1860, Lincoln was like, alright boy, sorry about that. It hasn't been that many years, dude. I thought it was like 300 years ago, it's like 100.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmhm. Thomas Sowell goes even further. He goes, this is where he loses a lot of people. He's like, the civil rights shit is when everything got fucked up and it's like, yo bruh, you gotta take it easy, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black marriage stopped in the 1960s. It was, before that, in the 40s, 30s, 20s, 10s, it was super high. And then it hit the 60s as soon as all the Civil Rights Act started happening. I think it was like the, he blames it on Section 8 and how the same thing happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No listen, the same thing happened in London with white people. How they introduced welfare and it fucked them up. And he's, he's like, he's a libertarian. He's like, I don't, I don't think we should. Okay. So he's thinking that he thinks white liberals were actually the reason why black people are disenfranchised. So that's his whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an interesting take. You gotta swallow the whole pill, dude. When you're starting to swallow it, you're like, no, no, no. Yeah, well, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean he puts together, he's a Harvard educated dude, he puts together a good case for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well everyone thinks, it's funny that everyone thinks like, like, quote on quote, white people were just like a race of like, just pure conquistadors who came over here and were like, shoo, you fucking beast. There was just this guy being like, looking through one eye and I'm like, what the hell's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, it's really like, did you ever, when you were little, trap like two bugs under a glass and watch them fight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that, uh, Kanye coming out like that. And it's funny too, cause like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just funny to get so excited that Kanye's saying this and get mad. It's like, dude, what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, it's funny though to get people all hyped up on that and then like, like this is a guy enough be mocking you and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus. I thought it was great. I think it's hilarious. I thought it was hilarious. I think it's hilarious, but it's like, if I was, like, apparently Michael Blackson isn't, doesn't have African, yeah, someone, I caught that through the grapevine. I had someone be like, he answered, I was like, hey, what's up? And I was like, is this Mike Blackson? He's like, yeah, what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, if you watch his cribs, he's like, he was a US Marine, he's like, yeaah, I served in the Marines. I served in the US Marine!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're just thinking of like white as you can possibly get. That's like ground zero for just uber whiteness, dude. People from Connecticut just like, you just lay a Patagonia jacket on the ground and just dump fucking water on it, dude. Dump smart water. And they're just like, uuuh. They come out through a Patagonia sleeve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was buying his time. I've seen, I, today while I was driving, I shouldn't have done this, but I was like watching like a try, you ever see like try not to get offended on YouTube? It's like some, I was just, I looked up Sam Hyde to see if he actually got kicked off. And then it was like, try not to get offended Sam Hyde and I was watching his, he was like doing like a sold out talk about homosexuality and it was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just trying to act, see, you're a white liberal. You're trying to block a black man from thinking independently. You're a white liberal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thomas Sowell, white liberals hate when black people get out of their little box of control. That is true. So, I was just purporting the man's theories. I was just, maybe thought Larry the Cable Guy was a Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Or, but if they turn too hard, if they're like, well, you got to pull yourself up. But they're like, they put their hand over their mouth like shhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole thing while I'm sitting there, it's like, you spend so much of your time, like just, most of your time is living in the future kind of, how you're just like, and then I'm gonna say this, and then I'm gonna say, like if you just close your eyes, it's just like all your plans start going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, dude, every time I, dude, so I'm like sitting there this morning, I'm sitting there doing that, and I'm like, I just gotta stay in the present moment, gotta stay out of the future, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude, I spent so much of my time mentally in the future, this is fucking crazy, and then I got a text, and I stopped, I waited two seconds, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's where I fall off of super shock stuff like him where it's like, at one level it's like, the balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm sure he saw, you can probably feel O'Connor's hatred from behind you, just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, we need to beat the fuck out of all those people. Just even being on ice skates is like, difficult. Those guys just skated back and forth, I'd be like, woah, these guys are good at ice skating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so weird and it's weird to boil that down when people are like, oh, that's, you know, it's just like a flood of a certain neurotransmitter or you could just be like, totally make you think differently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out of them. You only get so many. I used mine up from like 18 to 24 and then I started, yeaah, they started becoming nightmarish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well it all depends on what you're doing, man. That's like, I used to have a joke about that on stage, how they're talking about like Amazon, uh, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Silicone Valley executives, like microdosing on acid and going to work, it's like, dude, they're flying in on a private plane. Or they have like a robot chauffeur. If I was high as fuck and my car was driving itself, I could go to work high and be like, I'm the boss, suck my dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I was going one time when I was working for my dad, I was like 19, and we were digging like a, we were down like digging like a trench, which I didn't know digging trenches is dangerous. I used to go and, like, the earth can collapse. If the earth caves in up to your stomach, you'll die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it'll constrict, it's so heavy it constricts your blood and you'll have a heart attack. So I used to go into trenches, like my dad would be like, be careful down there. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my old dog smokes weed too, and then like I'd get down in the trench, and I was supposed to be like picking trash out of there, and I'd be looking at all the layers, and I'd be like, woah, look at the sediment down here, this is gonna be like, hurry up! I'm like, damn, it's so cool to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't want to get high. My thing with getting high on a plane, I'll like feel the cabin pressure switch, my ears will pop, and I'll be like, pfft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that who it is? Yes. Tim Brown. Yes, dude. No name's last Heisman Trophy winner. TB, baby. Mantai Teo should have got it, but they gave it to Johnny Manziel. Teo is nice, dude. Everybody hates Teo because he got catfished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was wondering if his girlfriend died, and then it turned out she wasn't real. And everyone was like, he's fucking faking it. And it's like, nah, he's just a fucking dumb Mormon who got catfished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Hawaii? Yeah. And, uh, he got catfished by a chick that was from Hawaii. Wasn't it a dude? It was a dude. It ended up being a dude. But then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had, I forget what show it was, it might have been Dr. Phil, it was one of these garbage shows that the guy who catfished Teo was on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, do the voice you used for him. And it was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He had a hot voice? He would call him on the phone and use a girl's voice and then he did the voice on TV and it sounded like a chick. Like it was crazy. It was a gay dude catfishing town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perhaps. Perhaps. That's a strong accusation against a great linebacker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a god. You're a man in Hawaii. You're a god in Hawaii. Not much going on in Hawaii, dude. Is it Barack Obama, Manti Te'o, Shane Victorino?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but Manta Teo is probably gay. You think? I don't know. I don't know. That's a strong accusation. He was dumb enough to get catfished.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, that dude has hot voice. You're in the NFL. The dude had hot voice. He wasn't in the NFL yet. You think he cheated on his imaginary girlfriend and felt bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet he did feel bad a couple times. But no, what I think happened was, he got a phone call that was like, Lene died. That was the girl's fake name. And he was probably like, I mean he probably was sad about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the cameras got involved and they were like, oh, we hear your girlfriend died. How are you gonna keep playing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he started chumming it up for the cameras. Really? Cause his grandma died like that week too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then his fake girlfriend. So it was his girlfriend and grandma died in the same week and then he went out and played against Michigan State.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Michigan, yeaah, I mean he was second in the Heisman voting as a middle linebacker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially if you're, I mean, he was the star, he was the captain of Notre Dame's football team, so it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, Linnae was probably a side piece for this Mormon retard. I heard that, dude. You know what I mean? He was probably like, yo, that's my, that's my bottom bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was like at 2.30am. I was up till 3am, dude. I was out. I'm just night owl. You are. Nightcrawl, dude. I was watching Nightlayer, dude. I'm not watching. I was watching House of Cards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's alright, you gotta try to get into it, but uh, there's one scene that it's like, oh yeaah, he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's-his-name-is-definitely-gay. Kevin Spacey's definitely gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one scene where he's practicing because he has to throw an opening pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, yo, wait, let's see him throw this baseball again. He's fucked kids. It was crazy. He was, he like, he was like, he T-Rex arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a weird T-Rex arm, like he's throwing a dart. It was crazy. It's in season two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Season two you'll be able to see it. Listener, go find Kevin Spacey throwing a baseball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I couldn't tell he was gay. Heard about that young boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Child. It was- Wasn't it Young Boys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. 16-17 dude, you got the green light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't get me wrong, it's awesome. Also, Manti Teo is awesome. A little gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kevin Spacey, awesome, a little gay. He's very gay. Jujitsu, awesome, a little gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 80% gay. This is French vanilla parfait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] French word, gay. Dude, last night, last night. The gayest fruit. Last night at about 1.30, I was eating McDonald's and pizza. I got a fucking, I got a fucking fruit my way out of this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd you have McDonald's and pizza? Fucking O'Connor came in drunk. And? He ordered himself Big Mac, chicken fingers, and a full pizza from a different place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, those mice are getting after these, these snacks. These boys get drunk and order some, yeah, pizzas and shit food every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just fuckin' egg through. He's just pure 7-Eleven doodles. I know. He got that doodle-itis, dude. He's in a doodle coma in the back, dude. He's laid up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you guys in here? B has a tooth infection. We were in the back yard all night. It was like, what? I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Get well soon. Get well soon Beezer. Hopefully that doodle tooth. Yeah. We're going to knock that right out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does. He needs to lay off the 99 cents double pack of snickerdoodles at 7-Eleven. That's a late night purchase. That's a fucking, that's a fucking 3 AM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I don't want to slander Beezer's oral health. The doodles are new. The doodles are new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, I've been listening to S-Town. It's this podcast. It's pretty fucking sick, but now I just have a southern accent in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some crazy dude, a little gay. Also, he's awesome. He's a little gay. He was gay, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, every clockmaker is gay. Every urologist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeah. Alright. We're done outing people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, now all I do, it's, it's about, listen to it, it's awesome. It's about a guy who...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calls a bunch of gay dudes from NPR and says, come down and help me investigate this murder. I live in a shit town in Alabama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody did a report about the NPR guys and they all had like incredibly low tea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Like every single one of them. Did they test them? Yeah. I mean you can tell by that voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's a part where, I'm gonna spoil this, somebody dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and when the guy who's doing the investigation, the host of the whole show finds out about it, he records the phone call of him receiving the news about this death and just the way he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He handles, yeaah, it's weird the way...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. This guy I emailed back and forth for a year died. Yep. Good riddance, bro. That'd be like if, uh... Fuck out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, he's like a straight guy and he's on the phone with these people and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting crushed for this yogurt, by the way. What, for eating a yogurt parfait? One million, I got two friends, Jared and Dylan, who are gonna murder me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have that. I just get a black coffee pouring some whole milk. That's what I'm saying dude. That's a man. That's what I'm saying dude. But then I gated up and got this parfait dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like talking about- Oh you're wrong, you're doing jujitsu dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were like, hey, check out these jeans and you pulled your knee up to like your chest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I fucking hate Fishtown. I hate Fishtown. It's crazy, dude. I hate the chicks in Fishtown. I hate the fucking dudes. Dude, Fishtown sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all have dad bod as they would call like all like flabby fucking pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but these guys all are just skinny fat, like. They're like little golems dude. Yeah, I fucking hate them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True that. But no, I hear ya, I hear ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like a weirdo just now. I thought it was going to be warm outside. It's a little chilly. I walked outside in gym shorts and flip flops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, yeaah, I was just walking around letting the, letting the pail fly. Good. Letting these kids know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really pale legs. That really, I see it on other people and I'm like eeeew. So I know what mine look like and they are fucking horrible. Really pale legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And white. You think you're gonna hit the tanning salon? I might tan up. You ever been inside one? I've been in one once when I had, uh, uh, when I had pterysis rosea. Oh, that's right. It's a weird skin disease. And I found out sun was the only thing that would get rid of it. And there's no way I was laying out and catching rays. It's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some dudes that can do that. Dumb sluts. True that. At the counter, you gotta be like, hey, tell Tony when I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then he jizz. Uhm, I only did it for like three minutes and left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, if I put this on any level of high, I'm gonna fucking explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is shitty revelation this guy is trying to expose?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1440, the first book came out. Gutenberg Press. So then it's like- I thought you said 1940, and I was like, holy shit. No, it's 1440. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what else is weird about that is Columbus wrote in his journal that these people would make fine slaves when he landed. That was just in his journal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, of course he ended up cutting people's ears off and shit, and genociding, but, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's like, who do you think the best slave possibly would be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of course. I gotta let you read that book, dude. More on the run, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's about, I read it a while ago and then I started reading it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's about Robert Rogers. He was one of the, he was like the first army ranger. He was like one of the, he was like the precursor to special forces in modern military and he lived in pre-French and Indian war America in like Vermont, New England and the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've talked about it a bunch of times. The savages would come in and kill everybody in his town. Oh, didn't he take up with the savages? Then he kinda took up with the savages, like he was raised alongside a tribe with his, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. So he like, he knew the land, he knew the land, and he knew modern war was gonna be different than standing in line. So he formed kind of like a special forces where they could travel long distances. So he's the reason our Navy SEALs are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They still study his, his maneuvers to this day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, it's, the first couple chapters are all about, like, landing in America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His family and another family, they're, they're Scott's Irish. And they're like, we need to, we can, we can try to make our own outside of this village. Let's try to, they formed clans, they joined families with another family and bought like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 600 acres for like 11 pounds. In America? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it was kind of like you said, like they would let the white trash kind of be a buffer. So his family was a white trash buffer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead bro. And they're like, you can have that land if you can settle it. Damn. And then up until, I mean up until Thomas Jefferson, nobody had really gone west of, like America hadn't really expanded at all. Where'd TJ go? The Louisiana Purchase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He led, uh, he was the one who founded the Lewis and Clark Expedition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the first two presidents were just like, we don't even know about the Pacific Ocean. They were like, we're not going over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's chop you off in Strawberry Mansion, dude. Yeah, I-I just, I-if you get out of that. That chaps my ass. Without getting burnt at the stake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when it's a weird thing that I've always been bothered by is like in this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want, like everybody always prefaces things like this is America, and in America we love an underdog, or like in America we love, it's like first of all, everyone loves a fucking underdog. And stop talking about this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As though you've traveled the world. I know. It always bothers me when people are like this is a racist country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say, we, yeah, we don't even have sex anymore. That's like a breakup statement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big chick wants to throw some sniz at you and you're, and you're like, nah, babe. Exactly. 10 other bitches just saw you do that and are now headed your way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just about to say, dude, if you just pick that first bitch up and look at it and just be like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know Ta- what's he say? He's like, I know Taekwondo. Is it Taekwondo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now look, obviously I'm the type of guy who, if you look at how things are going for me, you're probably thinking, maybe you should start reading some self help articles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I think self help articles are for dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pussies. That's, that's true. And chicks. That's true. There's, there's a, I'm, I'm, I'm with you on like- When my bitch reads a book that's like, you're a kick-ass woman, I'm like, read that. Yeah. Become kick-ass. If I'm sitting down like, reading some Jordan Peterson 12 Ways,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that next thing you know you're training, you're combat training. Yeaah. Talking about how great Columbus was, you're getting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've tried to, I've tried to hold off on, like if my bitch is getting salty, I know she's not giving it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you crack one off before she gets home and then you don't try to fuck? Yeah. That's a good look. Yeah, but then they try to fuck. I know, then they're like, why doesn't he, then they fucking do the Matrix fucking sentinel turnaround. Make sure you know they're sawing into your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like an idiot, so I tell her my plan. So you're trying to jerk off before she gets home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget where I read this from. So someone told you to put on a latex glove. It was from the manhood. Oh, I know where you got this. It's from the manhood brochure. I know a guy who does this. Who? I know a guy who occasionally does this. Who does? I got a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He listens to this. He knows who he is, dude. He's a comedian. I believe it. I'll give you a hint. He wears, don't say his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like some retarded serial killer, just naked other than a latex glove, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brendan Crick has a good line about that. Punched is the most diabolical stance possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ultimate Surrender's too weird, but just a good lady on lady, that's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that you can break. Like every once in a while if you bully Matt enough he'll defend his like. I have a breaking point. That was her. Jordan, if I bring up Jordan Petersen I can see you slightly and be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you had a rubber glove jerk off and got caught.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She caught me owning a fleshling. Okay. You know. I got caught owning one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were pretty dumb about the time I tried to extract that fleshlight out of my room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was at work and Caitlin was cleaning my room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I, I knew she was coming so I hid my flashlight just in a book bag in my closet. Of course she opened it dude. And of course she cleaned, she's like, I'm gonna clean your room. Which actually in hindsight, little suspect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. This was early in our long distance relationship. I think she wanted to see where I stood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although finding somebody's flashlight is, I just was, O'Connor doesn't know this, but I was looking for his, uh, Beats pill yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's, he's, does he said he had one? Okay, he fucking left his in the shower for like a week. Whaaat? Yeah, just sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think he just forgot it and it was working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, sorry to just Joe Rogan expose O'Connor's flashlight. People need to know. I was looking for his Beats pillows just in the room on the bedside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, oh yeaah yeaah. Go ahead, go ahead, please. So I'm at work, Caitlin's cleaning my fucking room, and she's like, what's in this book bag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or no, I was like, just don't fucking touch it. Cause she was like, I forget what she said about the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's so fucking naive. She's not naive. I found your chill. You're beautiful, you're very, it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, just fucking let it go. Yeah, I'm fucking drinking lube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you eat my lube? I've eaten several bottles of lube. But uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, I was like, Matt, we need an extraction right now. So I was at work, Matt was at home, I was like, dude, go in there and get that fucking book bag. She's hot. She's looking for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did. Cause when I told her what was in there, she did not care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to take this. And I was like, do not fucking tell her what you're doing. So Matt just walks into my room while Caitlin's in there and grabs my book bag with a flashlight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really scary. I'm sitting there like, Jesus fucking Christ. Fuck a man up, you pussy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitches, dude. Classic bitches. I know, dude. Morning casts are fun. Morning casts are great, dude. I got my fucking- Dude, you get a little silly in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe that fucking toad. You loved me when I was downtrodden. Here I am. I'm actually a seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be sick. That is a fucking great method. If I, if I... Nice move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If my bitch ever gets fed up because I'm using too much chill, then I have to go back on the market.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I don't know if I will, if I ever had to. Just because if I was single and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not much of a looker, I need a bitch to be around and experience my alpha fucking arrogance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want some skull? Is that snuff? Dupes love, my boy Dupes, my boy Spug. He loves fucking Pac and Charles. He loves snussies. I only do, uh, I only do what we're called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you fuck somebody you matched with on Tinder and then it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen that. There's a guy on the main board that cleans up. But he's kind of the man. He's not a douche. I support him. But he posts...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to have a bitch at my show come up to me and be like, give me your dick, and I'm like, you fucking don't come near me, you nasty bitch. Get outta here, you whore. Beat it, you whore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would get fired. I'd finger a chick at the office, undoubtedly, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would. That's what I does. Cause you're a savage dude. I met my last girlfriend and I sold my bitch in a cord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My current girlfriend sold my bitch in a cord, dude. Next thing you know, we're fucking, took her to a fucking Louie Anderson show. She got to watch me open for Louie Anderson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I fuckin' hit it, dude. Couple months later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Calling your morning parts the morning blowout makes me so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every day, dude. That was one of my early jokes, dude. What? Was, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the, the like number one cause of death in the civil war was dysentery. And it's like, what were they eating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're still solid. I'm still surviving off this dissing, Terry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you get in on this. Now Matt's joining the morning blowout, dude. This might have to, there might be a rain delay on this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might have to bring out the tarp, dude. Cover up the equipment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what is great? You ever see people get trapped under the tarp? People will slip and then they cover them. It's pretty wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Damn. This is just quality stuff. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. Holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taking in the shit so hard that- Oh, dude. Tommy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy takes man shits. Does he really? Yea, he took a dump here when we were filming that thing. What's he eating on? He eats pretty healthy. I think he boozes a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he takes, I mean, he eats like a man. True that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the urinal fart. When you get older you get that nice urinal fart. Yeaah. I heard some guy hit it. I was driving back from the stress factory last week. Some fucking Indian dude. He stood and delivered? Just me and this Indian dude at this jersey rest stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jersey Turnpike Rastaf, this Indian dude walks in and is taking a piss. Just the classic urinal fart. It has the exact sound every single time. It's the same sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's a big, big boy and I'm a big boy. So that's two big dogs. He and I went to the movies and then it's hilarious. Big dogs taking a movie trip together. And then we were in the bathroom after, after the movie and this guy was taking a piss in front of us. He farted loud as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the one urinal was out of service, so it was just one urinal, and me and Bison were just standing behind this guy. He farted so loud, me and Bison were just dying in this guy's face. He turned around and was like so mad at us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always a funny guy running his mouth. Just happened, this weekend I went downtown in Harrisburg to all the bars and I was with Jamal and he and I were in there and we were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we walked in, I was like, I haven't been here in so long. This is like, it's like coming back from high school. It's like going back to high school, seeing all these people. And this dude, this big guy was taking a piss and he was like, High school? You play high school football?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the fuck did you play? What the fuck? And Jamal played d2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He should have played D1, he was, he was amazing, but played D2 and ended up setting like Millersville's receiving records as like their best receiver of all time. Fuck, what the hell. This fucking guy from New Hampshire. Has the audacity dude. Was like, we should play fucking D2, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. That's disgusting, dude. I went in there, I had no- He ended up buying a bunch of drinks, we just took them and left. Literally, that's like the lonely-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was weird. He was like, these are my, he literally said, he was like totally blacked out this guy. He like grabbed us both with both arms. He was like, these are my football buddies. That's so fucking funny dude. Me and Jamal were looking at this guy like, you suck dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, the epicenter of toxic masculinity is at like a shitty bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] May 17th, Lansdale, PA. Nice. Get out to that. And then the 18th and 19th,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend I'll be at Stitch's Comedy Club. And this will be interesting. Why? Because I'm opening up for a guy named Earl David Reed, who is a Central PA legend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really dude? He's a comedy legend in Central PA but he hates me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a master of crowd, central PA crowd, and he's black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only time I worked with him. That was when you showed up and you were hammered? First show I ever did was in a hotel in Pittsburgh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll be fucking nice, man. You're over 69, you're dead. That'll be lit. He's gonna be like, oh god. Uh, May 24th?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be at the knitting factory in Brooklyn. Ooh, the 25th, May 25th, I'll be at the, in Baltimore at the Five and Dime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, you know me dude. You know how I live. May 26th, I'll be at my friend Brian's wedding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. And then May 31st, right now I'll be at, uh, the fit, at fit, doing, uh, Miguel Dalmo's live show for the American Immigrant Podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you doing a live podcast? Yea, I'm just doing stand up. Nice, nice, nice, nice. I'm gonna let them all know they're gay for celebrating diversity. That's what's up. Be like, yo, Puerto Rican stink. Be like, I'm from the Dominican Republic. Be like, whatever dude, baseball's gay. Sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the shows. Hell yea, there you have it dude. Go to them. Go. Expect greatness. But if you go to Stitch's Comedy Club this weekend, get ready to see the old master.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the last time he saw me do stand-up was just me bombing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' Salvation Army next to the hotel. Me and my boys went- Wait, didn't you come from a wedding or something? Yea, we, we, we, we thought we could crash weddings. So we bought Salvation Army suits before the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We played drinking games with a case of four locos all day. Holy shit dude. This is when four locos just came out. We bought a fucking case. There was four of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally, I must've had four, four locos at least before this show. And I got on stage and they were like, yeah, there's, there's no features, just you and the headliner. How much time can you do? I was like, I can do, uh, can you open with solid 20, 25? No doubt. You got the four locos in you, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also I remember this, there was 20 people there, 16 of them there were with me. Cause a bunch of my friends went to Duquesne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my sister lived in Pittsburgh. Like I literally brought the entire crowd. What were they saying? How, they weren't feeling you? They were, I was doing okay, but I mean it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Heard through the grapevine, he's not a big fan. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we'll see. I was surprised when they asked me to do this. He doesn't, he must not know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I closed with it last night, the shitty open mic, and it didn't work. When that joke doesn't work, it is uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough walk off after you're like, and then you come in your dad's mouth, uh, that's my time, thank you. It sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hour and fourteen. God bless. Time to ride. God bless to all our haters. Oh wait, shout out to my dog who got a Blumkin at my show and steal them this weekend. Oh yeah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo. Episode 92. Who was 92 bro? Reggie White? Yeah. Hell yeah. Dennis Rodman? Or was he 88?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, either way, episode 92, it doesn't matter at all. What's up bro? Chillin bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's happening? Dude, I had to show you this. There's a, uhm, there was a poem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Write a poem through the eyes of a, like a black homeless dude. Or a black homeless anyone. Or someone who would, you'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he tried, and I was reading and people were like, dude, you did your poems fine, don't let people police your language. They're saying like it's ableist and like, whatever. I don't even know what the thing was. But as you can imagine, as a guy trying to write, it's like a, you know, imagine a poet just hits the Twitter like, I'm so sorry, I'm sincerely, blah, blah, blah. He thought he hit some, he was like, he must've.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I think he hit the vape pen and was like, oh my god, I have the best idea. Dude, so I'm like, these motherfuckers are bothering poets. How bad can this poem be? It's not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That it's really offensive, but it's funny. I'm gonna read it to you, and I think in the voice he was going for. So, it's titled, uh, what the fuck's this titled? HAL 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got HIV, say AIDS. If you a girl, say you pregnant. Nobody gonna lower themselves to listen for the kick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People passing fast, splay your legs, cock and eat funny. It's the littlest shames they likely comprehend. Don't say homeless, they know you is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they don't know is what opens a wallet. What stops them from counting when they drop. If you're young, say younger. Old, say older. If you're crippled, don't flaunt it. Let them think they're good enough Christians to notice. Don't say you pray, say you sin. It's about who they believe they is. You are leaving there. What a fucking dork.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. His first draft, dude, must have been the best. Like, I'm waiting on the bus, shiiiit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this guy really tried to, uh, he went in, he, he released it. He's like, homeless, black homeless guys are soulful. He's like, nah dude, that guy's nuts. That guy's crazy. They shut down, they had a lot of mental institutions around Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point they just shut them down. So like they just dumped a ton of people on the street. They let them out. They fucking let the extras out from the thriller video, dude. They fucking came out and just walked around all day like, da-da, da-da, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' slut. Dude, the one time, the, uh, there was some guy, some crazy homeless lady walking down the street, and he was, she was like coming up to us, and my friend literally pointed to another friend, we know it was like, uh, he did it. And she was like, meh, and like walked over to this other dude, it was so fucking funny. That cracked me up. This guy's name is Anders Carlsen Wee. Anders. Anders. Yeah. Motherfuckin' Ders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Durs, uh, submitted his poem to The Nation, which is apparently like an esteemed poetry journal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he submitted, I'm waiting on motherfuckin' bullshit. They know you is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn man, this guy fucking, this guy got dunked on dude. He put up a piece of art and it just got like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, did I say it? Oh. I didn't see the footage, I heard about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I, I always, I went to one rap concert and from what I saw, pretty much a safe space for fat white chicks to say the N word, dude. Like I saw it, now you say that, I'm like I saw so many fat white chicks, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm pretty close. Dude, I'm telling you, that was the weirdest fucking thing. I, I, so I started, I have two audiobooks right now going simultaneously. Which one? It's a mind vendor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, which is like, he's like the absolute, like, quintessential...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Due to like, whatever you wanna call it, the extreme left, like, makes cases of reparations. Pretty much this whole book is about why white people, you know, why it's super hard to be black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because white people kind of like ruined life for black people and it always will be hard as fuck. Then I had this other one of this guy who was like enticed by like rap and like growing up in like the 90s and he kind of walked away from it so I'm listening to them at the same time trying to doctor strange the solution dude it's like. What's the solution? I have no fucking clue. You think it's reparations?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm full of tiny C.K.L.I.T.s, dude. His thing is funny, man. It's like, one of his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird cause I listen to his, I listen to both memoirs and I, and it's like, I'll sit there and listen to the whole entire thing but he'll hit me with a fu- He's black me, Ta-Nehisi Coates. He'll hit me with a theory that I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where the fuck are you pulling this out? I disagree with it, but I'm like, damn dude, nice fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White politicians, like whiteness was like in the amulet that they all kind of like quietly walked around with and he said Donald Trump smacked it out and sent like the, like the cosmic energy, the white energy out into the air and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a sick fucking analogy, bro, it's hilarious, but it's like, dude, you're fucking losing your mind. So wait, is he pro-Trump? No, no, no, no, he's very much against Trump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was saying that like, he, there's like whiteness has been- They were all trying to hide it. Whiteness has been like a secret little talisman that like, they've been hiding around Trump's, he's like Trump broke it open, he's like the phangasmic matter or whatever the fuck he called it out into the air and it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kinda makes sense. Yea, it's pretty funny. I read it and I was like, damn, that's pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he also is like, you know, white people invented the idea of racism, whiteness isn't even a, it's not even real. White people invented racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was the whole thing that I was like, listen to, I'm like, dude, you're fucking wild. But he, it was basically like, he, he's a black nerd. Ta-Nehisi Coates is a black nerd. The other guys, yeah, he's a, he's a super black nerd. And if you see him, well, it's funny cause he had, it's an audio book. The one guy I'm listening to does his own audio book. The guy who like went more towards like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's super, like, Black Panther's role. This will always suck for us. We'll never get out under the heel of white people. Just is the way it is, sorry. Like, you just have to go. The other guy's Thomas Chatterton Williams, who's half-white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His whole book is titled- I don't need to s- Oh, okay. It's titled- It's how a father's love in 15,000 books beat hip-hop culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the title of his book. And Ta-Nehisi Coates is Between the World and Me about white people starting racism and how it's never gonna end and we're just like... Until white people are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, until whiteness. White people's an illusion, dude. There's no one's really white, no one's, it's just a thing white people made up to control black bodies. So we could destroy them and pillage them and make them work for us and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a fucking black body sit on my face before, but I've never straighted. But yea, so it's weird listening to the two of them combined. I was trying to think of something family friendly to throw out there. I felt like sitting on the face was pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not coming on my girlfriend? Yes. I usually come in my boxers. I come in my boxers. Thank you. Thank you. Please come in your own undergarments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else are you gonna comment, dude? Fucking tissues. Then you gotta throw em out. I'm green. Throw em in the toilet. I'm just saying, I don't, it's wasteful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you want to blow your nose, you're like, oh, I'm such a disgusting fucking masturbator, I don't have any tissues. Not that I care, I'll use toilet paper or paper towel, but my girlfriend runs out and freaks out. And I don't like it, dude, it's, I come into a tissue and it hits the back of my hand and then it sticks to my hand, I have like the cum stigmata, dude, from the tissues, I'm like, ehhh. I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These books have been pretty wild to listen to. The Tiny C- You know why I even got onto the Tiny C Coats kick? Why? I saw the new Denzel, the equalizer, and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good. It was just Denzel. He's like an aut- he's like an autistic black dude who like is super good at killing people. He like, he's like OCD, I guess. He like counts his watch and he's like, this'll take three seconds. Fucks everyone. Autistic black dude? That just kills me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a young kid he's like looking out for who's like getting lured by the, like the streets but he's secretly an artist and you know, blah blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at one point, Denzel gives, uh, almost a black conservative speech to be like, what you gonna do? He's like, you know, like arguing real bad. He's autistic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. That's very true. That's, dude, that's, I didn't even think about that. But, so he gives a speech, like, what are you gonna do, blame on this, blame on a white man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I hear, I'm in the movies, I hear, mhm, I hear a lot of, like, older black dudes, like, mhm, like, a couple psss, like, you know, it's mixed crowd, there's a mixed crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, towards the end of the movie, he goes like, promise me you read this book, and hands him Ta-Nehisi Coates, Between the World and Me. I'm like, I know who that guy is, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, essentially. Whiteness, white, again, race is an illusion, bro. Created by us. It's funny, you know, he mentioned- Did you create it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, me personally. But apparently he was like, and then, oh, so it's funny cause he called, he went to Howard and he calls Howard Mecca. He's like, and then I was at, and he also got a guy to read his book for him that sounds like Nas from Belly the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I thought he'd read his own books. The guy reads and like, I was at Mecca. It was beautiful. Like I was at the first, a long, and he's like talking about all this stuff, but he was determined to figure out like how white people thwarted like the great African civilization of the past. And he's like, I read all these books, but at the end, there was just too much conflicting information. I couldn't find out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been doing it and I'm like, yea, I totally disagree with all this guy's shit, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's interesting listening to like his story about hitting the camp, and the fact that he called, I'm telling you, he's the black mate, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that he called, except I'm a lot more open-minded. He's kind of like a black Nazi and everything, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that guy does not like white people, bro. Really? Does not like them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, all the stuff he says, it's like, yea, if I were to take everything bad white people ever did and be like, it's just everything bad that European civilization ever did, that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I don't care about that, I just don't like Hollywood cashing in on like, you know, things that are like, just divisive. Yeah, it's stupid. So, and she was like, well, I was like, white people fucking ended slavery. She was like, yeah, well they started it. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was like, so the Egyptians who enslaved the fucking Israelites? And she was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why they had Nazi swastikas, dude. That's why the Nazi thing is so old. The Incans were just fucking Mexican. They were just, remember, did you ever see the Dominican Nazi who was a taxi driver? That was just the Incans, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About a sketch idea with a, like almost like a Prometheus setup where like someone comes back and gives like someone from like a long time ago like the internet and they're like dude you can talk to anyone, you can do whatever you want like this is that you can finally bring all these people together and talk and it's just some guys like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck it, he's like, talk to this other tribe, he's like, you guys fucking suck. But then I'm like, yeah, I'll never do that. And I go about my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, that was getting me hyped, dude. The journalist, I was fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hear about the journalist? The- The New York Times? The purple chick? Yea, the purple haired chick? The purple haired Asian chick? Yea. That shits on white people? Dude, her, she's fucking- Again, it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I can't fucking, I, I don't like going against people's Twitter. People are attacking Ben Shapiro now, cause he was, he's a free speech head. And he was like, you gotta let her go. And people were like, he's a Jew. Instantly the fucking, that was right. Turned on him like, she's a Jew. I was like, oh man. That fucking Jew picture, the classic, like the meme that flies up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, I mean, there's people saying he's like, funded, he's like, total like, splinter cell. It's like, they went nuts on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, I mean, if anyone was like, fucking, like, black people won't exist soon, fuck yeah, they're not having kids, they're gonna, they're gonna cease to exist and everything. It's like, I can see why people make the case and be like, yo, you guys fired Roseanne. This chick has hundreds of tweets being like, I hate white people, I hate men. It's like, you're gonna let her edit the fucking information going out to people? It's like, I get that, but at the same time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone got my Twitter and everything I've ever said on the internet, dude. I'd be fucked. I'd be so fucked. So I'm like, look man, I'm like, that's whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate, I hate what she says, but I'm like, I can't, I can't say like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll fucking, I don't support her, I don't agree with her, but I'll do it for her right to say that. That's cause you're a patriot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they're fucking out of control. They're fucking wild. Her tweets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What she was, they said she was attacking trolls. So I was checking, that's, I started getting a little altist out of them, cause I'm seeing like, at person meme thing, and then I'd see just a tweet with no added to anyone, I'm like, no, that was just a tweet, that wasn't a response to anyone. But, yea, they put her on, they put her on the squad. She's sick, dude, I'm stoked on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, man. We need to, everyone needs to go on a fucking media blackout for like two days. I mean, they were, dude, I watched it, I saw that and I'm like, jeez, that was bad. I watched the interview, I'm like, they're fucking talking shit on him, man. Someone put up a fucking five minute segment, just talking, twelve minute segment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like LeBron went on trying to- he was talking about his new school that he's doing, second and third grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, hopefully it'll be 1st to 8th in 2022. That's nice. Be on the lookout for that. Akron, Ohio. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went on, you know, he was like, wants to talk about his school and Don Lamond's like, you call Trump a bum, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up with that? And like, you see him kinda like, he's like, would you run for president? He's such a bitch, dude. Ah, I hate that guy. Is he? Is he like, uh, Muslim Brotherhood, Planet of the Apes? No, no, no, no, no. He looks like, uh, he looks like Trevor Noah's brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I remember that. But he, he came in, so he's like asking LeBron all this stuff and he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, would you, would you, would you run for office? Would you? And he's like, nah, yeah, nah. Like all those guys, like, nah, nah, nah. He's like, what if no one else would run, only Trump, and it was up to you to stop? And he goes, you see Lebron, like, doing a lot of those smiles, like, uuuh, like, okay, bud, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well apparently somebody sprayed the n-word on LeBron James' house. Yea, somebody did. In Ohio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, that's gotta be sick in like the neo-nazi tagging community. Like, everyone's tag's just the n-word. What do you write? I write the n-word. Sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's still the shit, the shit swastika is still the Banksy of fuckin' Nazis. Shit swastika started all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I woke up, I woke up that, had to watch the fucking interview and I was like, ah man dude. Trump did close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Jordan. We know his approval rating is up, uh, from 15, whatever it was. It's up to like 30% or it's up 30% among black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say it was like 5, now it's like 15. It's jumped a lot, according to whatever grass. According to him. According to Kennis, whatever his name is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's sick to hire a, a statistic, like a, you know what, like just get like a company that does statistics and they're like alright, you gotta look for equalizers, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of button downs. I watch my equalizer on YouTube and a lot of them are just like a fresh, like they dress like African dudes, like a sick business cash dude. A lot of them get out of the army. And they're just kinda like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking equalizer. I mean, technically that's how you make them. That's how the equalizer was made. He got out of the army and was like, I'm gonna read books and teach these fucking young thugs how to do it. He's like, you better paint those bricks, boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's, there's theories that say his Twitter shit is just to cover up with the military, like anytime the military's gonna do something wild, he tweets a bunch of controversial shit and the news gets hung up on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, dude, I read the other, I was thinking about this today, I read a thing today, I scanned a thing about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody talks about what the internet, no one has any idea what the military's been up to. Everyone's just like, oh dude, there's a black chick. Me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I follow, I follow Gran, er, Gran Greenwald. I follow Glenn Greenwald.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just him being like, Bush killed hundreds of thousands of people. And I'm like, yeaah, it sucks. It sucks, dude. I hate that. I hate that so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, he like goes full force. Yea, like, he shouldn't be talking shit to Don Lemon. How mad do you think he gets?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When like, he sees LeBron being like, uh, I call Trump a bum, uh, cause like, you know, like he's just sitting in his bed like, MOTHERF-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they dumb? Cause I wanted to know, and I'm like- Is Don Lemon and LeBron dumb? Yeah, I was like, are they dumb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Brian's a fucking, he's a basketball, he's an athlete. So I'm like, I'm not expecting him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not a, he's not a total idiot, but like some of the stuff I was, it's like this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, yeaah, he's a normal dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always trying to figure out if they're actually doing as bad as he says. In that video, it was LeBron James interview on CNN. 700,000 views. It's not that many, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I take that back. Cause I was like, that's it. Then again, what was it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think, I would think they'd do well. But then again dude, yeaah, I wonder who advertises with them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? You can't have like a young Bill Burr dude on stage with them just coming out smashing. They're like, oh boy, that guy's so much better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Southern mom is like, mom, you nodding out again. Leave me alone. Where'd y'all put my heroin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the fucking, who's the puppet master behind this? Variety? The fucking purple haired chick dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Purple hair Koreans apparently. Purple hair Koreans control the fucking news. Wouldn't you guess it, personally?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, you might be ready to, if you paint the N word on Lebron's California house to smash a watermelon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. That makes sense. I have to tell you, I have to hit you with this dude, I microdosed. Oh yeaah. I know you know. Yeaah. I have dude, I have to get this info to the people. Yeaah, let em know. It's fucking sick, I will say. Microdosing? Yeaah, I had it, it was totally covert. Girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even, dude, I'm so used to the cameras, dude, I don't even notice them. Dude, get out of my camera, dude, dude, that's, that's fucking my camera. Stop. Stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that, I just don't think they're buttfucking that many chicks. I think it is set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they threw that one out there just to like, to make people's boners even harder, but oh my god this is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, yeah. That's the porn ethos, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is like, I can't do porn. If you're doing porn. Whenever I see dudes in porn, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you do this bro? How? How'd you get into this? I mean a lot of them are just actors who go out to California and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start doing a little too much cocaine dude. They're like, my dick's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll do support. Yes. Say, I, I, when I was younger I used to want to be a porn star for sure. Really? I remember being like, fuck, when I was younger? Fuck all day dude. Awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would fu- like I would hear about porn stars getting ED, it's like, I would never get ED dude, I'd fuck all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I, uh, I boil it in the water to just activate it, you know what I mean? Activate what? The shrooms? The psilocybin. Turn the psilocybin into the psilocybin. You love saying psilocybin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, psilocybin is the precursor to psilocin. So it's, it's like THCA, how you light it and eventually turns into THCA. I'm not going to bore you with all the fucking- All the science that you definitely know. You got to remove the carbon molecule in order to activate the THCA. It's just, just- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to- I couldn't grasp it. Dude, I'm pretty much Neil deGrasse Tyson. You shouldn't be on right now. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson of Weed and Mushrooms, dude. I just- Hell yeah. Shoot an audio book. And you have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I love Sateva, I like, it's so productive. I know so many people who are like, I need like a Sateva during the day and like, I'm so produc- and it's like, you're just playing, what's that game where people fall from the sky and like, try to shoot people? Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck's it called? Everyone plays it. Oh, Fortnite. Fortnite, yea. It's like, dude, I'm like super productive. It's like, you play Fortnite all day, and then you leave and you go to a waiter job. Sick. Then I have indica at night and I fall asleep and my pain goes away. It's like, shut up. You're 24, you don't have chronic pain, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I get through, I'm like, nah, dude, you're cool. Girlfriend comes in, starts inspecting my pupils. I'm like, oh fuck, my pupils are fucking huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tomorrow is my next on day. I'm on an off day right now. It's every, every two days, day one, two days off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two days off, day four, back home. How long have you been doing this? Just started. Okay. I've been talking about it forever, I was taking all the lines. You've been taking lines, man. How long have you been doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like sitting there, you know, if you do mushrooms, you know as soon as they kinda kick in, you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you're in Mushroom World, you know when your eyes are in Mushroom World, and I'm like, meh, okay. I could see the tinge of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, but dude, I'm telling you, my babes comes, she does a thing where she wakes up in the morning, and if I'm not in bed with her, she goes like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She'll like, just call me in like, maaaaan, just to call me in, just to be, it's so fucking annoying. It's so fucking mad, it makes me mad. I'm like, at my computer, trying to microdose dude, and I hear, maaaaan, I'm like, and then like, it hit me, and like, usually I'm like, what? And then, right away, I was just kinda like, oh yes, this is annoying shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, it makes me so fucking mad. The second time it happened, I'd be like, I'm here. Dude, it made me so mad. I had my headphones on, it's like, uuuh, all my meditation music, and I just hear my noise, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely gonna jerk, like, I have to jerk off. This is perfect. I get the whole house to myself. I'm not hiding in the bathroom like a goblin late at night, like, like I hear the footsteps above me, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he caught you masturbating, it's like, you're New York. He'd probably help you a little bit. He isn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have headphones on, you don't even hear them coming, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. Steve. Steve! Here, put in a headphone. You think people ever split headphones and watch porn jerked off together? Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Super cool dude, I mean, if you had to deal with a guy, that would, you know, be kind of a bummer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say what you were about to say. Could you imagine the feeling of my heart come against your leg or no? That's, I don't know, I'm sorry. That's what I thought and I was like, yeah, that's not something I need to put out in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my- that's why I say about boxers. There's always some boxers laying around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's some sort of evolutionary device for girls to see if their guy was cheating. Imagine that, dude. You're like, you're out in the cave, dude, you get some other pussy, you're like, fuck yeah, and you come home, your pubes are just covered in fucking cum boogers, dude, and you're like, no I didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm shooting out that way. I'll get flower petal pubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, imagine them, them like an Asian dude fucking, it's just that fucking mullet sashaying behind them just fucking creating a nice breeze for the pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this dude, as soon as it hits me, I'm like, eww, eww, eww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not mine, dude. Your crumb stays hot? Nah, dude. Mine's, mine's like that stuff fucking Walter White had to order in barrels to make meth, dude. It's fucking just skull and crossbones, super hot. I probably have so much HPV, dude. Oh, but the whole thing was, so I wanted to jerk, that was the whole aside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Microdust, dude, the thought of jerking off was like, I was like, that's so fucking gross. The whole idea of it, of like, I'm gonna go lay in my bed and like, get naked in the afternoon, and fucking be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't watch porn on my phone. I was like, dude, no way. That's fucking insane. And like, dude, it's only been two days. And yesterday I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I get really mad, I get so frustrated, especially like...