[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's one thing that I noticed that people that do the canceling or attack people on Twitter, however you fucking wanna call it, uh, they like to, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you're the one who got me fu- you can't fuck someone over like that and then be like, nah, you're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like to say, like, SNL couldn't have used me or wouldn't have used me. They would have been like, eh, he would have been a waste on there anyway. So I think I could have been good. You would have been great. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, uh, I know a girl who makes $100,000 a month showing her feet. Nice. Like, what? Yeah, she works for Buddymon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super hard for someone to give up that kind of money, cause that's like way more than porn money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paul and making videos, you know, and he, and you would tell me like the real money's in producing, you know, and then, then the fucking internet comes along and just pull, pull the rug out from underneath that business that everybody was just getting porn for free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's a weird world. I've been up here, before Ari got here, I was just up in Tim's mansion in the hills alone, just beating off up in the mountains. Nice. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're thinking about doing something, just jerk off and then look at it. Cause a lot of times your perspective is marred by this desire to breed. Yeah. And you don't really like the person that you're gonna call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there it is, the 2006 full movie. There's Relentless Enemies, full video.


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[Assistant] That's the odds. The idea. It's a great documentary if you're into it, go check it out.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it was probably like four days in. I met with the people, like the head of NBC, all that, those people.


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[Assistant] You're at like a giant marble table at the top of a skyscraper. And they're like, what'd you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely traumatic, but like, surreal. It was so surreal. Like, it was totally, I detached, and I was like, No, I don't care. I kept being like, I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, finally get the call that's like, nah, we're gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They offered me, they offered me I could resign. And I was like, now you guys have to fire me. Like, this has to be on you guys. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that make sense? No, it does make sense. It's uhm, you know. Like I don't want to be a victim, I want to be a comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't want to come on and do stuff where I'm like, yeah, and then it was unfair how I was treated. It's like, no, I get it. I understand why I was treated that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why we made these rules, that's different. But I understand the rules. And I don't, I'm not, I wasn't abiding by those rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, uh, zero desire to do a television show now, but I've been offered multiple ones over the last couple of years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, oh that was the worst part of the documentary. Yea. At the end it's like yea, he died, uh, he had a long life and died of like cancer. Yea, I think he died of cancer. Yea. Yea. Yea. Well, he was broken. Yea. There's a lot of broken people out there. Definitely. The crazy thing is things like the Zodiac Killer. Like guys that get away with it. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's kinda when everything, I mean everything shut down, so it was like, that helped Ari as well. We got bigger fish to fry right now. Yeah, for sure. So that was it. It just sucked like...


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[Assistant] It was kinda inconvenient timing for me, cause I would have liked to have kept going.


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[Assistant] And people join, yea, but then, then I'm saying outsiders will jump in and be like, what did he say? That's okay. You know? That's okay. It's, it's worth it. It's all worth it. To be able to have some, like, for me, to be able to have something where you can talk, I would do this podcast exactly this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just keep going. I was, dude, I was taking the fucking subway home while getting cancelled. I would go to like 30 Rock and like...


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[Assistant] Meet with Lauren, and they're like, eh, we're gonna be alright, like all that. Then I would get on the train, huh? And everybody, it was number one on Twitter, so people were just like, looking at their phone, looking at me, just sitting there like... I literally watched people go like this.


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[Assistant] People understand people inherently, but when people try to pretend they don't and try to reduce you to the worst thing you've ever said, and this is you, this is evidence of you.


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[Assistant] They wanna be a comic or they were a failed performer, they were either a failed comic or a failed writer. There's something wrong with that. Most critics are critics because they don't have anything to contribute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want to like explore the boundaries of their creativity and their discipline to bring that creativity into a tangible form where other people can absorb it and appreciate it and enjoy it. And if you can't do that, you criticize. And that's actually a good point because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While you're in that little incubation period of like being an open mind- I was miserable. I was like, fuck these people, that person sucks. They suck, everybody sucks. Dude, I- I'm good. That thing. I had the exact same-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go, that's like Tiger Woods chopping his fucking arms off. I go, put him back in and make him bigger and no talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was super bummed out when I heard that you only got to film one night. Because I like two nights. I do two nights and I do four shows. Because that way I'm loose. Because I know I have four shows to get it out. One of these are gonna work. One of these are gonna be great. But you also feel better on the first show. Like my last special that I did that I filmed in Boston, most of it was from the first show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I hadn't, Saturday Late Show sucked. If those had reversed, like if my first show sucked, I would have just been on stage just like, what the fuck.


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[Assistant] Cause that was, that was my 2016 special. That was triggered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved our last president. Like what type of psycho would that, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And sat in Tim's house by my- all my friends went back to Philly and New York. I stayed in Tim's house by myself for like two days. I was like, damn, I'm sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what do you think? And I said, you know what I think? I think you got some amazing premises. That you're a fucking hilarious comedian. And every special that I've ever done.


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[Assistant] Uh, there's always like six months before the special comes out or five months. And during that time, I'm still doing some of that old material.


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[Assistant] It really did, you know? I mean, his special murder- Schultz helped, uh, Schultz helped with Gillian Keyes. Did he? He was like a big influence, like talking to, talking to the people I was trying to make it with, like, yes, do it. Cause a lot of people are very like, you don't want to risk losing money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe not right now, but in five years. Yes. It'll, it'll, it'll work. Right. You know? And they needed to hear it from somebody who actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's one of the most industrious of all the young comics. He's, in my opinion, he's like the best guy that took advantage of the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And where stand up is like he'll hold a laugh, he'll work the room, he'll fuck around a little, he's super loose and relaxed. But these things he had figured out a very specific rhythm that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get dropped off, we hop out, we go in there, there's like...


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[Assistant] That's what I meant by like, it's fun to watch a famous person be able to live.


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[Assistant] Like a human for 45 minutes. Like an empty bar where all just friends drinking. You could do it, you just gotta move around a lot. You just gotta stay at a bar for like 20 minutes and just go. One of the only times I met Pete Davidson, he brought that, it fucked me up. We were like, we were kinda smoking, and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to work, uh, I worked for the state for Pennsylvania. For a little. And I would have to go around and go to like, I would investigate like, state run like homes. And a lot of them were like schizophrenic houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's not me, it's hilarious. Well, Reddit is filled with some of the most intelligent commenters on the internet. And psychopaths.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like when someone was saying something mean, you know, you'd have the Pepe the Frog crying. Yeah, like, it's funny, but somehow or another it got connected to...


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm a big proponent of free speech, but I'm also, I understand that


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[Assistant] That's on us. It was certainly not our intention and we apologize.


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[Assistant] With like an upward camera angle at a flag


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[Assistant] And they just looked at the sky in the background and figured it out.


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[Assistant] And it's, tell you what, when you get cancelled, those are the guys coming out of the woodworks.


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[Assistant] I had a, I had a club owner tell me that once. Really? First time. First club weekend I ever had. So I was doing open mics in Harrisburg. I had been doing open mics for about three months. There was a local guy, he was doing a, he was doing a weekend in Pittsburgh. At a Pittsburgh funny bone, I think. In Mars PA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he was like, he asked the club, he was like, are there any good open micers that I can bring to open? They suggested me. He gave me the weekend. I drive out there. I invited my friends. Cause I was like, yo, we got a hotel room, dude. We're doing it. I brought like three of my friends from home. We drive out there. It was right when Four Loco came out. You remember those drinks? We were playing fucking drinking games all day with Four Loco's. Dude, I'd never done a weekend in my life. I'd never done a club in my life. I get, I show up to this thing hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the owner's like, uh, our, our feature bailed. How long can you do? And I was like, he was like, can you do 20? And I was like, yeah. I had three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing clicked that I was behind. I was so new. I was like, I don't know what this is. Finally went to somebody like halfway through my set was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's hard to tell when someone's young and drunk. I should've never been up there. Yeah. Yeah, it happens. I mean, it was his fault. Cause he asked you to do 20.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the first night, I wasn't that bad. The second night, there was a wedding at the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Pittsburgh, just getting fucking hammered. We go to this wedding. We were literally taking a picture with the bride. And she was like, wait a second, who are you guys? And then the groom tried to fight us. They get mad. If you crash a wedding, people don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did Magoobies, you know Magoobies Joke House? I won their New Comedian of the Year in 2014.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I was like, all right, I can do this. And then I moved to Philly because Baltimore was kind of the closest city to, from Harrisburg. So I go down to Baltimore to do standup, go to Philly to do standup. And, uh, yeah, then I moved to Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] State-run children's houses. Who? There's the most depressing job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crimes against children? Anytime an orderly would subdue a child, you'd have to go investigate it. But then there was obviously... Constant abuse. Yeah, it was rough. But anyway, it was good for stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, moved to Philly. Did that. And then finally moved to New York. Wait, did you have a day job? What were you doing?


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[Assistant] I worked at a, I was a, I worked at a garage in Philly. I didn't work on the cars, I just worked on the front desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no fucking idea about cars. I sold cars after college. I sold Hondas. I have no idea how cars work at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worked at a car garage, have no idea. People would be like, what's wrong with my car? I'd be like, fucking, uh. Yea, I think, the rotor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so what clubs are you getting up in Philly? Did you go to helium? Yeah, that's a great room.


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[Assistant] Helium's the best. Helium, Mark Grossman's opened up a spot out here. I heard? Yea.


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[Assistant] More, uh, hesitant to take risks, right? Like television and film, and this is uh, this is connected by


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[Assistant] Cause if you thought about like what mainstream mass media is, podcasts were never thought of in that light because it's just.


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[Assistant] There's gotta be more folks here. Of course. But that's not true anymore. And because Segura's here now, and he's brought his podcast, and his wife is here, it was brilliant. But Christina Posizki, she's hilarious.


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[Assistant] Already, the goal was to be up by July 4th, but we ran into some wild shit that we'll have to talk about eventually. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna make that available too. Yeah. I just want it to be a super comfortable environment for everybody. And also a place where you can do wild shit.


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[Assistant] That's what I want. That's why we all got into this. Listen man, there would be no one without Mitzi Shore. And Mitzi Shore was a wild lady. She was a wild lady. And if you want to talk about all the people in stand up comedy that are important,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or Kinnison, they're all comics. Yeah, Bill Hicks, comic. She's non-comic.


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[Assistant] She's a non-comedian who is one of the most important people in the history of the art form. Because when she ran the comedy store...


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[Assistant] She, that, her whole thing was, yeaah, the inmates are running the S.I.R. She thought it was funny that the comics were running things. She thought it was funny that the comics would do wild shit. She thought it was funny that they would say crazy shit and people, when people would call in or they would send in complaint letters.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know what I mean? They're less aggressive in their desire to stop you from doing your job.


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[Assistant] And they want to go after the people that they think of. Yeah. Nerd rage, which is the most dangerous rage. That is real. Nerd rage is the meanest, saddest rage.


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[Assistant] Obviously I'm making mass generalizations about huge swaths of people, but it's a personality trait that they have.


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[Assistant] I don't know, the one thing I will say, like, we touched on a little bit about, like, when I was an open mic'er in Philly, like, I was talking shit, dude. I was, like, mean. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] And that's where I think a lot of these people that are like, these com- these former comedians or comedians that are like, now fuck them, fuck this. I think they have that, and I've been there.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like I've been in that where it's like, I'm not doing shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, imagine being like, I wanna see that guy who scolds people on fucking Twitter. Right. Let's go see what he has to say. Can you imagine just listening to like a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get into these conversations when you realize, like, they're not thinking.


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[Assistant] And even the people that are like, I don't give a fuck, dude, I'm a rebel. They're wrong. Nonsense. They're not telling the truth. Yeah, I've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I contact online that I actually listen to what he says. And he said, you're going to have a problem with what you're doing.


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[Assistant] And he goes in, you're very close to your friends, you're very supportive of all your friends, yeaah. And people on the outside...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't have your comic friends. Like if you just tried to go out and what happened the other night happened, and you were just by yourself, that shit would stink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people get on that drug too. You know? Yeah. Comics without comic friends, that's a terrible life. Like, cause you gotta think, they're the only people that are gonna understand you. And if you have a job that you do,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't feel like you have their back. They feel like you're a traitor or you're, you know, you're not helping or you're not supportive or uuuh.


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[Assistant] That was like the first, that was like the first podcast I listened to was Bill Barres.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll get confident. It's the last thing this podcast needs. You're not confident yet?


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[Assistant] But not really. I think she was a Victoria's Secret model. Yeah? Toss that up. Yes, dude. That's her? Okay.


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[Assistant] He's just a good singer. Also, I don't know, yeaah. He's good.


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[Assistant] Out of nowhere, like, there's like celebrities, cause I was, I was fans of these people and they just fucking crushed me. Who crushed you? Uh, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wrote a book. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wrote a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 to 15 minutes a day. Yeah. And I'm always like, what am I doing? And then I shut it off. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'll read, I'll read something and then I'll read somebody saying some wild shit and I'm like, I gotta get the fuck off here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While I was getting cancelled by these people that have always gone after me.


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[Assistant] And then, I was like laying in bed at night, like really thinking about what I had said, why people were upset about it. And I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And that gave me some assurance of like...


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[Assistant] At least I'm second-guessing myself. I don't think these people are second-guessing themselves at all. They will if they have to, and that's the thing. You know, do you know Jamie Kilstein? Yea. You know the story with him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet before your heart gives out, it probably gives you a few warning shots. I bet it gives you a warning. And like any man.


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[Assistant] You're gonna be like, I'm not going to the fucking doctors. Do you know when you're, you're poor, and you have a car, and you're starting it, and he goes, Yes. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they had to shove a tube down his throat and they pushed me out of the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give him a drip. Let him do it himself. My friend, uh, Spud, shout out Spud, shout out Billy. He took Molly with me for the first time. And he was like, my mom died of cancer. I watched her get put on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, give her something that makes her feel really good before she goes. Oh, you'd like this? That night, the night we were talking about that, me and Spud, we took, we took a couple hits of Molly, and then I ate, see I'd always done mushrooms, but I always, I always did like, a little bit. Like enough that like, you'd get giggly. It felt like wheat, almost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It felt like weed without the anxiety. And then one night we, I must have eaten like, seven grams. I mean, bro. I never did that. So we're sitting, it was my friend Matt's bachelor party. We're outside, we're at this fire. All of a sudden I, I blacked it. Like dude, I couldn't see. I went like blind. I was sitting there. I was like, I was like, yo guys, I'm blind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt McCusker, he's always talking about how it's like a religious ego death. Like he talks about the ego death. And I'm, I'm more of a Bud Light guy. You know, I'm like, dude, fuck, what are you talking about? I took that amount of mushrooms fully. Dude, I had a vision of, I kept dying, going to heaven, seeing my dad who's still alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, what is happening? Is it that your anxiety and your, your fear and all your, your ego is interfering with your imagination and creating these nightmare scenarios that aren't real? Or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a hard lesson, I think when people struggle with psychedelic experiences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's weird is we all kinda see the same things. That's a problem. It's like, uh, you ever have sleep paralysis? No, I haven't. I had sleep paralysis one night. And it was at the foot of my bed. Have you heard of sleep paralysis? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Foot in my bed, there's a long, spindly...


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[Assistant] Shadowy figure just standing there. And it was fully real. It was real.


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[Assistant] And it walked along the side of my bed, like reaching its hand out of my face. And I woke up, tried to fight it. I thought it was, it was so real that I thought it was like an intruder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Months later, I found out about sleep paralysis. I had never heard of it. Googled it, and there was a image of exactly what I dreamed on the internet. Like I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years ago, and I still think of that as like that made me a markedly more relaxed person from that moment on. Like the way I, because I was realizing like this is tension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who knows how many? Like, there's no way I could count them. But there was like a massive number of jesters giving me the finger. And it let me know, like, that shouldn't bother you at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, there's that trauma. The gestures, whatever. However you want to describe it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I was doing, I was able to do my best material, my old material. I was killing people like, damn, this guy's great. And now it's like, what, do I have anything else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? What is that moment of like, I gotta start trying to do new at a club that I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he's a left-hander, right? So his left side is the power side. So his left kick's his big kick. And that was the kick that he was throwing, even though he had a broken shin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't care about winning. Oh my god, I had an argument with someone. They were like, yeah, he let, uh, he let, uh, Leon off the hook. He should have gone after him. Like, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you guys have to understand, I know you wanna, you wanna promote this one superstar. You got another superstar. He's a goddamn superstar. When I interviewed him, after he chokes out Conor McGregor, he goes, I'm not surprised motherfuckers!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five years later. Now he's worth like a half a billion dollars. I knew that guy was special in 2013. I was watching him fight in England. I reached out to him on Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know how I was talking about earlier about like, when you see someone say something fucked up, and your instant reaction is just like, fuck them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even wanna fight the way he's fighting with a half a billion dollars in the bank. He's probably literally the richest guy that ever really wanted to fight hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? I mean, even Floyd Mayweather, as rich as he is, and he's one of the all-time greats, if not the greatest boxer of all time, he's fighting people that have zero chance of beating him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I keep bringing up these fucking UFC interviews, but there's one with him, and I think it was Max Holloway. And Khabib's just like, you're American. Don't talk to me about fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With uh, Calvin Kader is like literally one of the greatest performances I've ever seen inside the Octagon. Against Calvin, a guy who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like those guys all need each other. As crazy as that sounds, like the sport needs a Khabib. You need a guy who's so ultra super dominant that he makes everybody else rise up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that had to be a bummer getting hit by somebody being like, now you wanna talk. It was a wild fight to call, man. Cause then the melee broke out after the fight, cause compete wasn't done. People were talking shit on the side of the ropes, or the side of the cage, where they jumped all over the cage. I saw. Went after him like, that's a wild motherfucker. That's the craziest thing ever. Wild. Having a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diggin' wet sand. What the fuck can you look, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Got kicked to the part where it got pulverized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if a guy's 170 pound man and he can crush your nuts, what does a 270 pound man do? And a 270 pound man is the most terrifying puncher or one of since...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] O'Malley had to finish him. For O'Malley's sake. Like, Sean O'Malley was gonna go for the kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, we don't even need to waste our fucking time on this. I understand he went the distance, but like, we don't need this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still, again, Nate Diaz, dude. Best post-fight interview. Oh yea, I'm not surprised motherfuckers. I'm not surprised motherfuckers, he's the most...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were watching, I watched Nate Diaz, Nick, Diaz Brothers compilations on YouTube. Yea, they're, they're amazing characters. And they're the real deal. Those guys do a lot of triathlons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] September 25th, yeaah, that's, I'm out of town that weekend, unfortunately. Look at that fight. That's a wild fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we did, uh, more than three hours, right? Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long have you been doing nicotine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, all day? All day? Oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did when I tried to quit dip. But no, I was never like a smoker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not sold on him, but he looked good. He's a baller man. He looked good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's alright. He hurt his foot in camp and they thought he was going to be out for like six weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to- What team, what team? To- I went to army, and I quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for football. Oh, for real? So you got- You have to go to army. Yeah, they're really- Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're good at football. Tough kids. And, uh, I quit. And then I went to Elon. It's one double A. North Carolina. And you played ball then? Played one year. What position? And then quit. I played offensive guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I did say that, but. I was like 22. 23 when I started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just, uh, yeah, it's just our friends. You have a team, everything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are all guys from Philly. Look at that. Fuck yeah. Just friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This kind of, I don't want to shit on Kyla, because I love Kyla, but that's like who she is, kind of. Oh, interesting. So like, when she sat down, she, some of those lines, she was actually fucking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We met Clusterfest and JFL, we were on the, like, up next at Comedy Central's Clusterfest and then, was that two years ago? We did New Faces. JFL. Two or three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I think that's the whole, yeah, that was like the holdup with like the LA guys doing all the promo and podcasts and merch and all that. And then the New York guys were like, fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, cause now it's a YouTube special, so I have to, I have to promote it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was an interesting way to do it. Most people you move to New York and have to work your way up. I was already, like, cause Soder and Jay were already taking me on the road and abusing me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Soda took me on the road and Jay took me on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. My grandpa was CT'd. Bad? Bad. See, I didn't know. I just told this. It's, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, every story I ever heard of my grandpa was him, like, fighting people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All he did was attack people. And then, like every story, like he'd be punching cars. He was an animal. And he was like 6'5", he was huge. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he died, he had a heart attack. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He woke up on the operating table out of the anesthesia and tried to fight like the nurses. His heart exploded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, so nobody in my family ever put it together and then they showed me this newspaper clipping from like the 20s when he was playing that he was held out of against Purdue. He couldn't play because of a head injury. If you have a head injury in the 20s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any crazy injuries? Uh, no. I tore my MCL and LCL. Oh, did you? Nothing with the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His job is literally to dive straight into that wall. And it's sprinting 50 yards into each other. I mean it's, it's, yea they got rid of it. Is there a video of this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those guys are, yeah, that was like the scariest guy on the team though. I hated blocking those dudes. The worst. There was middle linebackers that would like lead with their helmet. Yeah. And I played offensive line, so like, you're kind of, like we played zone blocking, so I was always kind of upright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ran like, I went to this combine at West Virginia and ran easily the slowest 40 in the entire combine and I was just like, I'm done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is great. I was like, does that like, does that like bother you? And he's like, I knew you were gonna say some gay shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who? There's a guy that used to be like the gamer. Uh huh. PewDiePie? Is it PewDiePie? PewDiePie, I think. I think it was PewDiePie. Maybe I got the wrong guy. But there was, yea, he hit a, like, he just called a guy the n-word, like on his livestream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They built rooms and said it was outside, like just cause it was shitty, they were like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have to show that. The people, yeah. The fans do. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it does kind of get annoying like when I, like perform, I'm used to performing in New York, like during the week I'm in New York. So it's all liberal. And it's very fun to go on stage and be like, yo, Trump rules. Just to have them all be like, yeah. But then you go on the road and I'm like, yo, Trump rules. And the whole crowd's like, well, this isn't funny now. Now it's not funny. This isn't a rally. Take it easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of those states, like I did, uh, Richmond, Virginia, and you would think like, alright, these, but there's, there's like little pockets in red states that are very liberal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be so fun though to be, if they did that when me and my friends were in 4th grade. It'd be so funny. Of course. I mean I remember we had teachers telling us about gay people. And we were delighted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, kids aren't dumb. Like my niece, like I was talking to her about it and that she's in like seventh or eighth grade and she's like, yeah, there's like 10 bisexual kids. It's like dude, you're in seventh grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They see who's doing, you know, if you were a kid, you'd see like, I'm not saying they're weird for doing that, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But New York crowds are similar. And yours is fourth grade, US history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, I watch it, I watch every year. I just rewatched season one, they're fucking hilarious. It's the best. The teams, you played football. Yea. No team on earth would act like this. Every team, dude. It's on her. If the other team scores first, the whole team explodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was, he seemed happy, he seemed happy with his life, like he was, he was in Independence, Kansas, and he would like, the camera would come back, he had like a hot tub, and he would just sit there and smoke a cigar in his hot tub, be like, I'm the fucking man, I'm the man, he was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would give like pep talks to his team and be like, yo, I'm from Compton. And all his players were like, what the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite one was, I think it was Independence, where they were like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were playing like a southern Iowa. Some Juco from Iowa and they were like, we're gonna fucking kill these white dudes. Just 50 white dudes show up and just pound it down their throat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, it's a real shame if she does just do this for, you know, I think she does obviously love it. I think she loves it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe she harnessed her love for Big Dick for good, by helping these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the coach was like, fuck him, get him off the team. She was the one person that was like, these kids need help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that. That's nice. That's a nice picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that guy's awesome. And his wife's like, fuuuuck. Yeah. But Buddy, the big fat guy in season one, he's a dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, the guy from Compton. Those two are just out of things. Dude, they, if their team is losing, they explode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looked to me like she did try to hit him, or swung at him. They're like, I'm not saying he should punch a lady in the face, that's fucking outrageous. This is at Florida State, he was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're at a bar. They're at a bar. He's like a freshman. They bump into each other at the bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she like nudges him out of the way to get in the spot of the bar and he's like, what are you doing? And I think she kind of swings at him. And then he just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like them. I don't like them either. I don't like but hipster bartenders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get mad, I ask for Bud Light. I go to cities and I'm like, if I'm in a cool bar, I'm like, you guys have any Bud Light?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. That's a real, like, I'm not gonna disagree with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cauliflower ears. I'm not going to bother you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Facehurt, the whole show. He came out, he did a show at Helium in Philly, and he was like, ah, I wish I would have had that ham sandwich earlier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that one, yeaah, that made me sad. That was the first celebrity death that made me sad. I mean, I talked to him. Kobe didn't? He's from Philly. Kobe, Kobe was made, it was weird for me. I just remember being like, oh shit, Kobe dead. But it was not like, I wasn't like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I liked, I liked, I respected him. I liked, I liked, I was a big Shaq, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's such a freak. That's another, that's another combo. Like you, everybody would have thought R, uh, Artie would have died before Norm. You would have guessed Shaq would have gone before Kobe. Shaq's like a fucking Saint Bernard. He's like 7'6", like 500 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad idea. But who knows, maybe machine gun Kelly was like chilling. Just a psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I mean, that's how it starts though, with stand up, everybody that like you think you're funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll give it a shot. I mean that's what I did. Yeaah. And I got up there and I blacked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just hung out with him that week leading up to it. I was in Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I recorded my special, before I did Rogan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good club though. What about when it shouldn't work?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was in New York. And they moved it to Austin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just moved to New York. And like, I just got in at the cellar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's around, it's great, and it's just like, it's hard to bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a weird way of getting past cause I auditioned like kind of before COVID and then COVID happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I actually auditioned like before SNL a little bit and then I got cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I got, and then COVID happened. So there was like really no window for me to even audition. And then, uh, they just called and were like, send us your avails. Kind of out of nowhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Lorne. And like a man, like a lady and then Lorne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime you talk to Lorne, somebody would call and be like, Lorne Michaels is on the line. Was he cool? I like, I like Lorne a lot. Yeah, I still do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe in like 7th grade. But then once I started doing stand-up, I was like, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I knew, I figured I would never be on SNL. Like ever. Cause I've seen it. Lately. And I know what I do. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got cancelled from it or however you want to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that I, that is also a good opportunity. So I would say I would rather it have happened than not at all. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like if, if I just never got SNL and never got games. Either way, it put you on the ball. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. And I think...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm alright, I'm comfortable having eyes on me with my, what I'm creating. Like I'm not afraid to, I'm not worried about a spotlight on what I make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that would have been a problem. You know what I'm saying? But it was also, there is a downside to that, like immediately when you get cancelled, there are a lot of people that you don't want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, what I said. But, uh, yeaah, I think the punishment didn't really match the crime. And that's where everyone was like, alright, maybe chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the only real way to beat whatever this is, the cancel culture thing, is to just keep going. Like don't let it consume you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I got cancelled and then spent the next two years being like, fuck cancel culture, fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't need to. And if you do, like I was talking to Chappelle on the way, I was like, just do, just put a, like if you have 45 or a, you don't even have to do an hour. Like mine's like 48. You don't, it doesn't have to be an hour. You can put out 30 minutes. Like I was thinking in a year, just put out another half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was just telling a story how like when I was getting fired, I was like, I'll just go on Rogan and be bigger. But of course I wasn't on Rogan for two years. It was just funny and I say it to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I took that. That was the joke. It was like I would never be like where the fuck to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like this is crazy. And then, uh, thankfully I brought it back up. I was like, hold on, we gotta stop. Whoever's watching this, just rewind that and watch my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he didn't, you know, he does that podcast constantly, so he's not nervous. He doesn't care. But for me, it was like, this is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, uh, there were two moments in comedy where I was like, oh shit. The one was SNL, like walking into audition and seeing that stage. Cause like leading up to it, I was like, I don't give a fuck, who cares? I'm not gonna get it, I'm not nervous at all. And then you walk in and see the main stage, and you're like, this is big. And then for the same thing with Rogan, like I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is a podcast. I do podcasts every day. I've talked about SNL a million times. And then as soon as you walk in that room, I was like, oh shit, this is that room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, yeah, just fucked, as soon as we started talking about SNL, I was, I was just in my own head. Cause the whole time I was like, is this good? Am I bombing? He was like, what are you talking about? Like, you're fine. I was like, I think I'm bombed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I think I'm gonna do it, but I think I sucked. Of course, the whole, like, then we went out to eat and we're hanging out and I'm like, did I fucking, I was just, I must have been so fucking annoying to him. Like, did that suck? I fucking blew it, didn't I? And then he was like, you're fine. No, it was great. Yeah, it was great. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I did it, then when it came out it was like three hours or whatever and someone was like, oh it must have been good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a couple of the, the seller, that was one, like walking down those steps for the first time I did, or yeah, the first time I did the seller, I was like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good thing. It's not, it's nice. It helps. Like I, I did, uh, very fine. Uh, like I was, I walked into the cellar and Louie was just standing in the hall and they were like, I was like, oh fuck, he's bumping me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was, well, of course he was nice about it. He was like, you don't care. And I was like, no. And, uh, I was like, but now I gotta fucking follow you. That sucks. And he's like, no, it's good. He's like, everybody in that room is going to be like, oh, our night's made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now we're all happy. So like once they see like the best, it's actually easy. They got their money's worth. They're all excited. They're happy. And he was like, just don't mention it. He's like, don't go on. Cause he used to do that with like Seinfeld.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he'd have to follow Seinfeld and then he would go on stage and be like, how am I going to follow Seinfeld? And the whole crowd would be like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have a very strict rule about like you can't even sit, you can't sit at the table unless you're a comic. And then every once in a while somebody will sit down. No way. And people. So embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awkward. Which is also awkward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you get crushed. There's literally a placard that says, like, for comedians only. Somebody like Bobby Kelly or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby Will. So it's Colin Quinn. Yea, they literally just sit there, and if you come in, they're just lighting you up. They're on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In and out, smoking out front. He's wild. He's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the same exact story. So I was at, it was at the cellar. Chris Rocks at the table. It was me, Michelle Wolf and Chris Rock. And I made Chris Rock laugh with like a joke, shitty, like a Sandy Hook joke or something. Where I was like, whatever. I was like, you know, that didn't happen, right? Like it was just, it was some throw away. And, uh, so I was like, made Chris Rock laugh. I'm walking outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She's very funny. She's one of those, like, I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, when I was a disgruntled open mic'er in Philly, I was like, women suck at comedy. And then I saw her kill. Oh god. I'm wrong. I open for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know him. There is zero chance Michael Chase saw this and was like, I'm gonna do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. And he's one of, he's really good comic. Like in very original, anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also the only reason they used homegirl on chae's show is because they couldn't say lesbian. That's the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But again, why are cops doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rick's really, he turned it around a little. He was like very fat. He lost a lot of weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that picture. Uh, Lafayette this weekend, then Austin for like a week, then Phoenix, Arizona, then Milwaukee. So, check it out. Cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need both. Yeaah. You have to. Yeaah, you absolutely need both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't just slowly control and beat the shit out of anybody, dude. He has standards, obviously. She's some girl who's like, ew dude, she might actually kick my fucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How to ask the body questions. So I say, body give me a yes. Body give me a no. Okay, so a yes in this case is a strong muscle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's asking yes no questions to the body. So I'm touching here for the fire element. Not deficient in the fire element. And you're gonna start here and you're gonna go all the way out like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's check, uh. Pain is just an expression of energy blockage and imbalance. So let's check, uh, start with towards the groin and pushing towards the groin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In addition to using a racial slur, the pizza giant's former CEO has been accused of sexual harassment. This is how you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't trash that. You can't trash that. When did you first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, no, we're, we're keeping weed tapes. That's such a leisure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to be like, you know who's going to change it is like kind of wiggery dudes are going to start putting a little bit of swag on it. And then eventually it's just going to be outright tricks. True. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I was so bad. Really? I was so bad and fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never, I never ever ever grasped the concept of even like a regular ollie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I tried so hard for so, it's maybe my greatest failure in life is skateboarding. Skateboarding? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah dude, every single one of my friends was semi-confident at skateboarding. I felt like such a fucking loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying for hours every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have, they have that now. There's like tapes of people just like riding really smooth. I think, I think it might've failed. It tried to take off on YouTube and people were like, this might suck. And people were like, nah, dude, not everything's about like rail slides and shit, dude. Yeah. None of these about doing seven twenties on a half pipe in the air. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a million attempted ollies onto curbs and then there were like two steps and then I'd fix the board with my foot and then I'd keep riding and be like pfft, nailed it. Cleared that curb pretty easy, not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't actually recall ever like ollieing aboard. Bro. I'm not kidding. Worst skateboarder of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That only lasts for like a couple of weeks for people. I've seen people who just can't get out of that state. It's me. You're talking about me. You've seen me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I forget. I think I had an Enjoy deck at one point. And I had, uh, trucks and wheels and bearings and shit that were like, 5th hand. Like, they were so ratty. And I never, I never had any money to replace anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they make them do like mountain exercises and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to give them like one actual camp thing. It can't just be all, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were going to say she was like hiding candy bars in a foot locker at the bottom of her bunk. The, the counselors found out. She got in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm happy for dudes that have hidden candy. You know how happy that makes them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a cool thing to hide. And then when you get to it, so it's so harmless to everyone else and it's your secret thing. And then when you go to munch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're s- dude, it's bliss. Oh, you're a candy head? No! What were you stashing? I, for some reason, I'm sympathetic to these dudes. Were you ever, did you ever stash anything? I don't know. Now that I think about it, I probably had a bedside bag of gummy, sour gummy worms. At very, more than a couple of times. That's true. Probably more than the kickboards I've landed. That's true as hell, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, my wife would know, but I think if she told anybody else about it, I'd feel like, why would you mention that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was your line? That's too decadent, I think. I think if my parents caught me doing that, that is when they would be like, it's no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that kind of eh, even if it, even if it like he really didn't come, it's the second time you ask to prove that it's kind of like, alright, well I mean, we got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime they, anytime they think something and I like feel like I have to like check, cause you want to let them just like figure shit out. But anytime I'm like, they're like getting kind of like off, you know what I mean? They're going in a bad direction with a thought and you kind of want to like get in front of it or like an opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to like steer them back and I think my kids kind of like, they take the lead dude. I mean they take, they follow the lead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one really hard thing to learn is like how to, uh, like, um, decline something, but also not make it feel like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a weird defensive reaction. Like you don't want to cause a weird defensive reaction when you reject like something that they want, you know? Yeaah. Or something that they're thinking. Like you reject one of their ideas. That's painful. Really? Yeaah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you can be, you can be the one force in their life that like is correcting something in them. And they're just like, crazy. I don't know if I'm being vague, but it's only because I'm extremely stoned. So I can only describe the emotional side of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I'm so mad that when they brought Animaniacs back it was gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was looking forward to my kids. I was like, dude, I was a big enemy. I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the cultural references, I was like pshh. I felt like I was watching late night television. Really? All the references, I was like yea, yea basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meanwhile, I don't think at watching as an adult, I don't think I understood a single reference on the show. Yeah, that is kind of like fucking a godfather or good fellows or whatever the pigeons. Yeah, it was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, uh, they were like mafia pigeons. Don't we remember them? Dude, you totally checked out an enemy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kind of have to. Once you start like, once you start like, realizing that the kid has like, recall, you do kind of have to like, pump the brakes on what you watch and consume around them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got all those extra neural connectors and then you're losing the ones that aren't being used. True. So the connections you're forming are being... TV's. Directed by that shit. True, I should make her concentrate very hard on stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should just give her treats. True, but you know, plump her up too. She'd be too fat to have, you know, she wouldn't be so rambunctious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you throw, did you throw some of the ice cream in the trash? Or did you, did it all get eaten? Oh man. It's gone, Tim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking good. That sounds incredible. It's so good. It's like every- You of all people to be doing this is crazy. I have my dirty secrets too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eating for pleasure is so shameful. It's so fucking shameful dude. Every time I have a very nice meal I'm just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I made my family a lasagna and it took me like three and a half hours and they all loved it. It was like an incredible meal for them. I was like, whoa, this is very pleasurable. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can kinda relate because of how eating for pleasure makes me feel. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude. I mean, this happens with, like, this happens with Clint Eastwood, you know, this happened for years, but I'm talking about when are they gonna drop the hot boy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm talking about. He's about to turn 18. So hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like it's gonna happen soon. I think it's coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being hot dude's weird as hell. Like if you were like, I gotta look better to get girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I gotta make sure there isn't like physical feces on my pants to go on this date. I'm talking about dudes that are like, I need to get a new outfit. Like, I wanna go pick up chicks based on my looks alone. My boys got in the Hollister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, cool, you guys have fun with that, I'm gonna keep being terrible at skateboarding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a dude, your only other option is to do nothing. Like there's no middle ground. You can't be like, ah, I kind of cleaned up a little bit. You know, you're either gelling your hair or you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying you're trying to get pussy, but as a white dude, you either had to be like as grungy as you could get and act like you were bad or you had to get super


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're hanging out with one and a black dude that rolls in, you have to gracefully be like, ah, sorry. Where do you like the, where do you like the like kind of show? Not, not like full on chubby, but like kind of thick black dudes who wear like silk shirts with like skinny dreads and like glasses. Do where do they land? Do they get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know exactly who you're talking about. Like a very like smooth or if not silk button down shirt. Like a smooth jazz hat. Yea, kinda slacks, you know, and nice black shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me to suck on it for 30 seconds and I somehow interpreted it as eat it in 30 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was, how was your FOGO experience? I mean, it probably was the most I've ever enjoyed food in my life. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was actually, that put me on the streak of feeling guilty about having a nice time. I had such a nice time that going forward anytime I got like high and had fun, I'd be like, this is too much, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, it's alright. Worst case scenario, I jerk off. And the second you blow a load, you're just like, well I was fucking stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like jerking off constantly and always blowing loads. And then someone at school was like, dude, have you ever had an orgasm? I was like, what's that? And they're like, it's when you like moan when you're coming. I was like, what? So like I remember mom had Jake Kevin do the Tudor. So I put like all the kids down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you can run it like a VCR. Yeah. But then like, I guess everybody would get kind of suspicious because it re rewinding and fast forwarding on it. It sounded like, I don't know. It sounded like a transformer screaming. It was nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so if, as, like as you develop more and more specific


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Replay requests, you know what I mean? Yea. It got harder and harder to find.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like a constant badger. This is very biblical. This is very biblical. So it's a constant badger. And then Sunday, like she'll go throw it up and I'm like, yo, Sunday. And it's like, is what it is. Whoa. You know, it's right the right every Sunday. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how you should, you should all the dudes back together. So it's like weird if we're not out on Friday nights. I'm just like, that's a throwback. That'll be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those girls all get kind of chubby. They all put on weight. That doesn't age well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm gonna go get hammered. Put my food in the oven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is definitely not. Such an opposite bachelor party now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In your twenties, it's like, dude, you can't fucking stay up and puke all night anymore. You're like, I know one more time. True. But yeah, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, almost like the cash register software. Yea, yea, yea. Every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Matt, you should get a bunch of property and start putting Airbnb's up and just subtly mention that there's hookers in them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea man, diner waitress ladies. Uhm, any of them really. Ladies waiting at like bus stops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think the temperature of THC changes the effects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We must keep the dry weight of Delta 900.3% on a dry weight basis. Is it psychoactive? Yes. It is. Are you honorable and legit or is this some kind of scam? We are as legit as it gets. We are honest hemp farmers and cannabinoid alchemists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, do I deserve to feel like I'm being carried on like tiny body pillows by servants? You might have to just accept your kingness, dude. I've got a latent king quality that I'm, it's bursting through the seams and it's fucking me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's why I dress like a Streets of Rage character, is cause if like I don't just do something retarded with my entire energy, it's gonna go wigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know what I could never figure out? Is the guy from Maroon 5 a wigger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely not. Yeaah. I think he might be an R&B wigger. No dude, no way. He's not like a bus stop towel over the shoulder wigger. He's like a, like a multi-billionaire R&B actor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is exactly what I needed. I think Adam Levine is a uhm, like an usher wigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man. I'm thinking, you know what, maybe, maybe wigger's not the correct word, but whatever his whole thing is, he definitely just stole it from black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The two phrases that you're thinking of in your head that you would never say out loud are wigger and one of the good ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't think he's a king? No. Adam Levine's not a king? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, so uhm. He's more like a steward to the throne status. He's not a full king, but he's on the throne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never heard. That guy rules. Yeaah. I didn't know there was a North Egypt and a South Egypt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like we should kill 5,000 people in North Dakota and just join them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know, I didn't know Iran was new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what it is. He's not supreme because he's a sub Aryan Iranian, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is, there's something fun about watching dudes leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The game when their team lost, like that just like trudge out, just like, imagine that, imagine that being your country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna be tough. I'd rather someone say I was like, I dunno, like I should kill myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I'd probably, I'd probably eat shit trying to get up a curb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did imagine when I first like knew about like people carrying guns, I think part of me was like, damn, it would cool to just like shoot people. It would be cool to just like kill someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was after, it was in Catholic school, they told us that like, it, like, yea, you go to hell if you kill, but not if it's in like a war. You know what I mean? There's like technicalities of killing people. So I was like, oh, you probably just shoot some people. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the lines are blurred dude, it's not clear. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I thought about it, it's alright. I mean, now that I've fully processed that, I can see that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if it's like typically like the second idea. Like there's like a complicated like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hear you. Okay, yeah, but let's bomb. Bomb that whole area. And then the third guy's like, wow, he's done it again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where you go when you smoke weed and then a cigarette. That's the only place you can end up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I don't know, it was like the brain equivalent of like, uh, like people holding the door open on like a cool car. But not, obviously not a cool car, but like that was like the, that was what I perceived, you know what I mean? You got hijacked by lower ash for bullies. It was like bro, right now is the time to get in the cool car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, I was, I was like, I can't get in the cool car. I have a family. And they were just like, and they closed the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm one of those people that's like waiting for like, you know, you spend your whole life like wondering like when will I know how great I am? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a cool first name. Tea, huh? I don't know, that's kind of like a teetering. It makes me think of a man with a pierced ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you have to start out with a stud, obviously. Yea, you can't, yea. But I'd probably get a nice one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were talking about like having like automated machines like assembling a burger like on a tray that's outside of your car window. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was the last time you actually stood in a pizza place and waited for an order?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a while and I miss it. I miss like Stanley. Dude, I would watch them make my order. This is an insecurity. I think I completely avoid because I watched them like a hawk. I'm like, damn, there goes my pizza. I'm watching them like turn it in the oven. I'm like, good call. It was getting ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just imagine like Sid wait, like sitting in like a breakfast nook with like a mug that he's holding with two hands, just thinking about his enemies. You know what I mean? Great. This is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to like karmically get fancy clothes. I need to start maybe like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put a little swing in my step, karmically, you know, karmic swag. Yeah, I'm too, I'm straight and narrow. E karmic swag. I'm square karmically. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, it's an okay existence if you can call it that, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I thought like a big jacket, like a really huge jacket. A puffy coat? Yeah, but like, oh, I don't know. Like, ironically puffy, like that puffy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think about like an extremely puffy coat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've always wanted to just like have that energy walking down like a crowded street where people are like trying to window shop and they look around like, whoa, like I'm snapping necks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, hey, hey, try to take a little, little snapshot. Yeah. Like, did Dave remember this too? It's like trying to hold your breath for a long time. Yeah. You're holding a person in your brain and like, ah, gone. I'll never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if there's anyone who's like got their current record remembering you. Like someone's, someone's at like 15 years of just remembering a stranger and you're the stranger they're thinking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow, you sent him, you sent him down a path.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's karmically like trying to hold dominion over you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bought an arcade stick from a dude. I'm probably going to get pretty serious about Street Fighter 5. I think you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] New version or a new version? No, it's like the current one. The current guy? It's ending now because Street Fighter 6 is coming out. Gonna get into that for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, smashing people up still feels like the coolest thing in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Winter goes on, dude. Put your quarters up. That'd be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. That's what you said to do. I was just like, this is perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was at Liz's yesterday, he said he talked to you, but I thought about that and I said, if I don't mention anything about that bong, it's gonna get in his ass, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember back in like the early 90s, everybody was like modded in their bikes. This is a shader story. I don't know if you ever heard it, but everybody was like, you know, putting bigger wheels on their bikes and their BMX bikes. Yeah, dude, shaders dad wouldn't buy him anything. So he took his front wheel off. It took a small like wheelbarrow wheel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit looked nasty. You could do it big. It looked good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, he just hit me and I was like, what the fuck did he say? He drove off. I was like, nah. I was like, that's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and then he goes, did you hear about that? Another car right behind him pulled up. It was like, dude, that guy just hit you and drive off and was like, yeah. And he's like socks and drove off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it over by that CBS? That's on broad I think, but that shit is wild over there. It's up from there, it's up from there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to ever think that. I want to think, you know what, that makes it even better than if something does happen. You know what I mean? Because I'm going into a negative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that is wild. I didn't even really know about it until we were at the old house and Shane told that story. And then we watched that documentary on Netflix and everybody described the same thing that what they saw during their sleep paralysis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's the problem? Why won't it come out? Why won't your fucking kingness come out? Well that's what we're trying to figure out. That's what we're looking for an answer for. Who bitched you up? Did you get bitched up recently? No. Do you get intimidated? I think he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember every Christmas, someone would come in while I was playing video games and go, oh, Giants are playing! Look! They'd look at the screen. Every time, there's always an uncle who's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they don't give a fuck. No. What's yours, what's your profile, what were your profiles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a single one of them could stand the pressure. It would crack any one of those round faced fucking thin wireframe glass dickheads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, like, like a dude in like an extremely cheap like polo shirt with a big belly tucked into khakis that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not the guy that's got all the boxes checked, but in the high pressure technical scenario, I'm the guy you want in the vent. You want me dropped out of the vent with a laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love, do I, take like a job that my dad could have done on a car in like four hours. I could definitely make that last a week and just keep checking a YouTube video the entire time. Like I can get it, I can fix anything on a car. If you give me 10 times as much time as it usually takes and YouTube, I could, I could repair literally anything on a vehicle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I'm like scrolling back, I'm like, what the fuck did he say? Cause it's always like a guy holding the camera in his hand, like changing out like a window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be fun. I got some plans. I'm going to customize an inflatable watercraft. I'm going to make some videos about that. Me and Danny are going to bust out some of the intakes and see what we can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, absolutely. Yeah, installing like a hard floor in an inflatable boat. Yeah. Raised seats. Come on, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll know it when I see it. True. You don't name it before you got it. I think that's the rule on the C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have the whole thing assembled and I'm gonna, I'm gonna be about to take it out for the first time. I'm gonna be ready to smash the champagne bottle on it. That's what I'm gonna name it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I try to think of boat names all the time and I'm very unskilled at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm excited for the kid to come. It's just like, yeah, no, this is tough. You know, it'd be really great though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, we wouldn't be really great though if Brittany went into labor while we were doing stoner dads and all three of us were like, you were too stoned to go to the hospital alone, so all three of us had to show up super high, bro. And we all got to be there for the birth of your baby, all stoned as fuck and already in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my problem. Have you lost any loved ones though? Yes. And you were high at the hospital? You just sound so cheerful about it. You might have cracked the code. You might have cracked the code. I fucking hate hospitals dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny. I was like that at my grandmother's funeral. I stayed up all night making DMT on mushrooms and I went to her funeral on like two hours sleep and I was just like, man, it's crazy. I was just like, people die. See you guys later. People were like ready to throw themselves on the casket. I'm just like, man, look at the cycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I feel like you're supposed to know, in every other like animal, when one of the pack dies, everyone else is like ready for, they all know. True. Sometimes like, I don't know, like they let them trail off. At least they anticipate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I told this story on here before. I'm sorry if I did. Stop me if I have. But, there was a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was a dude who was like connected to like the social circles from my youth, right? Everyone knew. I didn't know this guy, but everyone that I like used to know knew this guy and he died suddenly and everyone was broken up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone was pouring their heart out on the internet, and I was just like, wow, this must have been a really great guy. Everyone was like, I can't believe this dude, less than power, you were the best ever. Anyway. Someone at your work died? No, no, no, just someone from, someone that was like a friend of like a million friends of mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody I know loved this guy. I didn't know he was. Die suddenly, they're all busted up. There was one guy I know though, and apparently he and the deceased had quarreled about a lady in the past. And this was the one guy out of everyone on the internet who his only post was, not so tough now, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it. Wow. We all think about it. He did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'd be sick. Cutting someone's head off and it takes you a million times to cut it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what if you could like shoot him out of a cannon or something or like just do whatever you want, like put him on like a trebuchet and just launch him. That's what, that was the best part of being a king, is just throwing your enemies' corpses at shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's nothing. And then like, who are we talking about with this recently? But like, as you're riding out toward the, like the castle gate, everyone's outside, like, gassing you up. Everyone's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were so sick that you convinced guys to hold flags in battle instead of a weapon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, either every other, or like every third king was like, my dad owns the dealership type guy. For sure. Just like, slacking off, clacking out early, getting your head cut off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty specific guy to imagine what his kid's doing. It's nothing good. Yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking about like a South Jersey guy with like one of those cardboard mansions. You know what I mean? Like he worked his way out of the neighborhood. Yeah. He owns like a $256,000 like piece of shit house in the development and his kids just a brat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why I'm hating on Gates so hard. I know man, he's really stuck in your craw right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does suck that our, like, billionaire supervillains are just the most autistic people who ever lived. Like Zuckerberg. They were our kings, dude!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't remember if this was a thing that a friend read or a thing that my friend made up and told me. But he said there should be a government system where like the public officials, like their families are being held ransom the entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just hate that all the worst dudes are just the most nasal voiced dildos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even crack, like, he wouldn't activate a single muscle in his face watching that. So when you say, take your 30 trillion dollars and terraform the world into the sickest thing ever, he'd be like, I just, I don't know, money comes to me all the time, it's already the sickest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if everybody had to go to the doctor more and got sicker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, yeah, inoculate a storm cloud and rain it into my system like a real man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's indisputable. That's absolutely indisputable. I thought you were saying hose central, like water fights. I thought you were trying to set up like a battle royale water fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have two things toward the front that shoot like a red blob that like splashes and destroys a bunch of things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was looking up like sick tower defense games today. Yes. I was playing like a game kind of like that called a like vampire survivors or something. And you're like a dude who's basically a one man tower defense. Like you're walking around getting like tower defense upgrades while you're being sworn by like zombies and vampires and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and all you can do is just move around. You can't attack or anything. It's all automatic. It's just like, you're the tower defense, but it's like, kill the man with the ball, basically. Shit. Yeah, dude. It's sick. You can play it for a very long time and just get your little upgrades. Yeah, that always fucks me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I play a tower defense game, I get to the point where I'm like, I should have learned something instead. I should have read a book. I should have spent an entire week, an entire work week playing a tower defense game. Well, quick question. Spending money too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bull in the pit though I think would infer that the person who's it is like being avoided.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. And there's like, obviously like, there's like a top dog in the league. In sumo, there's a Yokozuna. Right now, Hakugo is like the greatest of all time. So, there's always gonna be a dude that like, with that two minutes, is putting on a performance that no one can tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the two minutes on your wife, you know that he's doing like, A number one, he's doing Yokozuna shit to your wife and it's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. And then there's also a part of your psyche that has to be like, did you even want me to win?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fuckin' rootin' for him. Usually I can pick your voice out in the crowd. I know this was a big match and we kinda sold the place out, but usually I can hear you. I was just wondering, was it like crowded in your section or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they showed Marky Mark in the crowd and he like shadow boxed in the camera when I was up. Why, why couldn't you like scream?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's only a matter of time before, like, a Wigger and a Russian dude put this on the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we're headed there. Don't worry about it. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two dudes- I mean that's what old wars were about. Who's arguing right now? Jorge Masvidal and uh, and who else? Apparently this dude accused Jorge of like DMing his wife. Maybe it's a different guy, but it was like the wife responded to one of his stories and Jorge was just like, cool that's what's up. So now this guy's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I think we're on our way. If we, maybe if we get people to tweet enough like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that is tough to- that hit me. I think that was in The Northman. Really? They won a big battle, and then it was like, you're fired up because they won, and they like, were crushing dudes' heads, and then immediately after, they just go in, and it's just like, time to rate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you were a big pussy though, like every time on the batter, like pfft, probably gonna lose again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you wake up and you're like, oh fuck dude, it's Sunday, fucking eagles are down 27. You're like, god damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that has to suck like hitting middle age as like a team starts a downturn. It just accelerates, you deteriorate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, as like, as like an all-timer retires and they struggle to replace him with new talent, you're just like, damn dude, it's tough getting off this couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Just how- Yeaah. I mean cats in the cradle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think most dudes would, would want that kind of like sexual validation. Like, yea, they found multiple different kinds of cum in me. I'm not bragging. Yea, for sure. And she was wasted on women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. Or what if you got like a water department like meter installed somewhere and it measured your volume that you're putting out and you had like hard numbers that you could just share with people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes sense. I'm very sick. I think I was sexually awakened by like a spring breeze coming through my window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like neighborhood dirtball girls. Okay. Yeah. So hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, just like, your hair is pulled so hard back into the scrunchie that like your forehead, your hairline's getting fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like slicked, slicked and stretched back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, Alexa, Alexa would be the girl. No, Alexis is not. You'd have to be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I can imagine maybe like the slickest black guy ever. Maybe if he was like half asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't know. I can't picture it dude. I can picture like a black dude named Alexis who had like super nice jewelry and like his fingernails were a little bit too long and he could sing really good. But aside from that dude, there's no guys named Alexis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he has like supreme cell phone repair guy energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you guys repair a 13 year old printer for me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Virginia. Northern Virginia. Yep. And it's an entire town just made of like these like insanely high security


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if Lego City was about Indian dudes, like it was an entire fake Indian American town. It was the most insane thing ever. Like every person in every position at every building in the town was an Indian guy. And possibly the same guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really, dude, it was so wild. And then there was a electronics store that like, if you were, if you were in the data center and you needed something right now, you could run out and they hit, it was set up so weird. Like everything was this fake weird corporate strip mall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it was like there was no business signs or anything. So you can tell the difference between like a church and like a fake little computer store. And you just drive into these enormous parking lots and find what you're looking for and then in there, that is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had uhm, like no, you don't, if you work, if you're going down there to do the work, you don't typically live there. Like you, you're flown down there by your company. So it's all just dudes staying in hotels, fucking hookers and all that shit. And the, the computer store also had like a section of just like DVDs and pornos and shit for like dudes that were just like traveling through town and needs them for the hotel later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, do you think all of like people are dads ages? Cause it seemed like all of our uncles were clock watchers. Yeah, go back to when you were a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The unsavory character with a window near the school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, are those guys pedophiles or they just want dibs? They're dibbers. They might be dibheads. They might be first call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking called it. His parents definitely break up and I called that fight. Fuck that, I called it. I'm doing that now with a window seat. The what? Window seat in the car. I'm breaking up fights every day. Are you really? Oh for sure. I fucking called it. Cause there's a car seat on one window. So there's only window and bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every day it's like I should be pushing shoulders into each other. I called window seat. You get in. And they're both trying to avoid being the one that gets in the car first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just your inner, yes my liege. You might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anything, uh, any misconceptions that you had so far?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that back then the main difference between like an incredibly crazy dude and a shaman was like just a cool stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you were, if you were wilding out on the edge of the huts and like screaming at the sky and shit like that, people would be like, damn, he's gonna die. But if you had like a cool stick, they'd be like, I hope he can save my children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people have an innate sense though of like, is that stick cool enough for him to be a shop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know that right now Mexico has a problem with soda shamans? What's that? There's soda shamans in Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way that Mexico looks on TV parts of it. Yea. Or it's like dirt roads and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have a, uh, like a sugar problem right now. It's because Coca-Cola might be cheaper than like good water. Or even if they have access to good water, they prefer Coca-Cola. For sure. So they're living on, all they're doing is drinking soda. And then there's people going to soda shamans to have like illnesses cured by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll be like, here, drink this Coca-Cola, this is gonna cure you. And they're just like, thank you. They're dying of cancer in like, on a dirt floor with no electricity, and they're just like, thank you for this Coca-Cola, I thought I was gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the last thing I want to hear is the two liter cr- like folding in half because I squeezed it into my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what potions were. If you can get carbonation, you're like, wow, this is an elixir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks for getting through the, um, technical issues with us. That was really great. You guys are real ones for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't, he doesn't, so he can wake up. He wakes up. And he's just going and you gotta sit there like, Jesus Christ. He's calling people, he's like, there's a fucking piece of shit. I don't wanna have, I don't wanna be a clip of me trashing some fucking guy. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be funny if they hit Alaska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We couldn't, we had to do a podcast yesterday, we did it at Louie's house. So we had to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got done, it was five hours. Five hours, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is when I knew, this is when I texted you like, we're gonna be late. He was like, you guys want cheeseburgers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. So he starts cooking and shit. He cooked them? Yea, he made cheeseburgs. How were they? Fucking delicious. Really? Yea. What'd he put on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was high quality meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was just going, dude. He had all that in there. He's never done, and he's never spoken publicly. I was going to say that. So he was just fucking ripping. He was ripping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was just obsessed with it since he was a kid. So he says it in the podcast, he's like, he moved from Mexico when he was seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he gets to a part where he moved from Mexico and it was when Nixon I think was in office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he moved from Mexico to Boston and he was a seven year old Mexican kid that was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was shit. It was Mexico in the 70s. And then he came to America and was like, this is the best place in the world. Nixon's the fuck, Nixon's Santa Claus. That's Santa Claus. That's so funny. To have a picture of Nixon in a seven year old Mexican's room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, Louie didn't know who Nixon was. He just was like, that's the guy. That's the best guy ever. So like when I, maybe the reason I knew Clinton was because my dad was going around the house all day going like, fucking piece of shit. Because he lost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did she do it? Or she went close to see if she was breathing? She was panicking. So here's the story, if you go... You gotta do it again!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] College maybe. It was probably after that. Uh, I was just down in the basement playing NCAA football. Killing it. And uh, my family was out at like a wine thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some wine, I don't know what they were doing. There's like wineries in the Appalachians. And that's where they were. And they came home fucking shitfaced. It was my sister and both my parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She fell down and went, there's a wall at the base of the steps. So she fell head first, cracked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She starts screaming that my mom's dead. So I, you know, I paused my game.