[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, he's snapping pictures of people. I can't, I don't know how to act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, like Skeet was standing there, Skeet was standing there next to me at the bar and the photographer comes by and he's like, ayo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Requested the photographer to take a picture of him standing at the bar. Did a fucking pose. And then just went back to talking to me, like it was nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so awkward, like I'm sitting there at a table and he's trying to get a picture of me like laughing in the crowd and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a part of me is like, people are going to see this. I don't want to fucking, anytime I look back at like a high school picture where I was trying to look tough, I mean even though I always took pictures like that to be a dickhead, it's still embarrassing. To see a picture of me like, like head raised, fucking. I always, I always cheesed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I cheesed in most of our pictures. True that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pictures suck ass. Ugh. Especially when you're ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do that a lot. I never do. You can see a lot of pictures of me like fucking. I'm smiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got those shows I talked about. April 25th, buy a fucking ticket. April 25th, helium, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 4th, yeaah, that'll be fun. That'll be free though. Come to that. You don't need to buy tickets, just hit us up, we'll give you free tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to be a good turnout. Cause it's going to be a lot of people that have heard all my material. So that'll be in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did request flames. And the actual female comic flame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to have a hula hooper. I'm a girl fucking. That should be my opener. You can get shit lit. I'm just going to have different carnival freaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Yeah, go to that. No, it's a Wednesday night, so that's, that's when they give like the best headliners Wednesday nights. I mean dude. Big time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good move, Frankson. Don't put your name on the grid. Your address. You're off the grid, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's it. I'm sure I had things to, that I wanted, I forgot. Not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think right now, we actually are hitting the brakes. Yes, we're done. I'm out. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unbelievable. Is that what Chappelle talked about at the end of his special?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you would think with that 170 IQ he could have come up with that whipping them with a fucking wire pretty quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny that their names have, black people giving themselves nicknames has carried over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sure the same thing with the comics too. Someone else was like, Hey, that was a great set, Marcus. We're going to start calling you top flight. It's just, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You watched the, somebody shared a pizza gate documentary on the reddit, which by the way, we now have 70 subscribers, which I'm a little disappointed in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Connie and Trump. Did you, did you, have you been following that on Twitter? Uh, not recently. Yeah, don't follow, I haven't. Not in the last two days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was some TMZ. Ugh. I guess Kanye was at TMZ. And another black dude gave him a good talking to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's always like, he's so homophobic and all that shit, like I literally- Trump? Yea, like I had to Google last night, I was like, Trump homophobic, like what has he done? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's one thing that's funny, cause when I googled Trump homophobic, which I was searching, I guess this guy. That's a 2am search too, which is lizard eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hate transgenders. He's definitely a fucking moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's good at talking. He's very poor at speaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's good at- He's a con man who's tapping into whatever white trash wants to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so. That would make me so happy. I mean, I want him to do well and I think it's funny when he does well. Like when Kanye half endorsed him. What, in the very beginning? When Kanye, no, no, right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kanye has a signed mega hat, dude. Yeah, but his whole thing is he's like, love people you hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Like that's actually what he's trying to say. True, yeaah. But it's also, like that makes me happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it just, anything good that Trump does or has going for him makes me laugh. Thanks Kanye, very cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also funny for people to be like, if a rapper endorses Donald Trump and then their fans are like, he's racist and homophobic and sexist. It's like, have you ever listened to rap? Have you ever listened to rap? You fucking idiot. That's true. It goes back to that white chick that was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saw this bearded hipster asshole fucking patriarchy dickhead, but at least he was listening to Biggie. That was his one redeeming quality. It's like, have you listened to Biggie? Have you listened to rap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, fuck, I just drove past this. There's a, it's like Shania Twine. There's a billboard headed up north. People are mad at her? No, it's a knockoff. She has a cover, there's a cover of Shania Twine that's like, Shania Twine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She should be a fucking, she should be, wait, what's the ladies name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sharia Twain? Yea, it should be Sharia Twain dude. She should be just a devout Muslim. Sharia law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I googled Sharia Twain. Did you? Yeah, it's been done. Really? Yeah. That sucks. There's actually one that's pretty funny here that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, instead of Barbie Doll, you know the song by Aqua, it's a Muslim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a hijabi girl in a Western world. Life is Islamic. It's fantastic. Is this a serious thing? Come on Donald, let's go Donald. Ban, ban, ban me. That's pretty funny. That is pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, I think that is the ultimate left-wing thing to be. This is anti-Semitic. Eventually you reach the level of like, Israel is the devil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, it's pretty crazy. Do you have it on audible or on? I do, but there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much it's nice. So it's white trash bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean if- They were loving it, dude. If you put something out that's like, black people have a problem, white people are gonna jump all over that thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How does he give hard numbers on Ebonics? Is he like, there was, they said, yo, 10 billion


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about why black people are the way they are. I mean, this is fascinating, Dukes. You shouldn't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here I have an excerpt from his book right here. Do you? Yea. The reason we indignant is cause Dave was being indignant first. No dude, Thomas Sowell is a scholar and a gentleman. Yea, I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single negative stereotype. Although I am quiet. Well, you're Western PA, dude. I'm quiet in the movie theater, but other than that. Are you? I'll- I'll- Just about every stereotype against black people I also-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People get mad, I say white trash all the time on stage, and sometimes people get upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic dude. Look, I will say this, in my mind, I think it's gross. Like when I think of soda, I'm like, it's kinda shitty. Dude, when you have it, when you have a nice tall. Frosty glass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of all the horrific genocides in human history, I can handle the Native Americans getting brushed off the land. I'm alright with that one. Bunch of dudes with Mountain Dew coming up and being like, get these fucking pieces of shit off this land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny, it's such a weird double standard to have. I mean, I get it if you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe America did this. If you don't know history at all. And you think America is such a good, a nice, it's like you can't have a nice empire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the show The Young Turks. Every country, every country genocided somebody. And another thing with the Indians is like, how do you think they got that land?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. They genocided some other fucking tribe. They definitely did. They were at war with each other constantly. Forever, dude. It's always, always been that way. And they weren't like, sophisticated, nice people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done this like so many times. It's such a funny, like if you look at history at all and look at, and if you look at history with like a rose cut, like rose glasses where you're like, America's this beautiful place, like obviously you're wrong. So when people bring up like the atrocities committed against Native Americans, it's like, yeah, I mean this is shocking when I was in seventh grade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny, it's funny to think about like, people just showed up and were like, this is pretty nice land. Who the fuck are these idiots? Get them out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You brought up an interesting point when we were talking about this book earlier about how, I keep wanting to say Sowell. Thomas Sowell, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also, the western Europeans also abolished slavery. They did. No one talks about that. This is an institution that, I mean it built the pyramids. Yea. This is an institution that's been around since as long as humans were even remotely civilized. Yea. They've had caste systems and slavery and then it,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let up. In, in human history, it took...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I understand, but it's like, you can't fucking, that's crazy to be like, how can we take your testimony seriously?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of every, if you want to break it down like a psycho into races and geography, of all the areas in the world that were bad boys throughout human history, which they all were, the one that was like, we should knock this off. It was the fucking British one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, we're making good cars, we're making, our locomotives are great, we got good watches. What else should we do? And one guy rose his hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. We're gonna do that to you. Well, the Slavs have always been retards. They're pretty dumb, yeaah. They're historically retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is good. This is good race talk. You'll be your experts on race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it wasn't long. And then if you go up the whole way to like, I mean, it was like the 1950s. Yeah. 1960s it was, you know, civil rights was in the 1950s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good stuff. Time of soul, check them out dude. I think we're solving a lot. We solved it dude. We did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just back to thinking about white trash kicking Indians off the land. Cause I'm just thinking everybody looked like my cousin Frankie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like a spider in a bee and you're just like, there you go. The British captured two retards, put them in a jar. I was like, whoever wins, we're going to take over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes, it gets me excited. Like when I saw- It makes me laugh. It makes me- It's hilarious. It makes me so happy whenever, like, the ultra-liberals look like fucking idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both sides is so fucking hypocritical, it's crazy. Like, so Michelle Wolf's White House Correspondents Dinner. Did you see that at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably ticked. Which is funny, this is like the high, this is to me like the high watermark of how hypocritical both these sides are. What did she do? She just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a very liberal comedian who made fun of the right the entire time. Okay. And she made fun of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. What'd she say? Looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It wasn't, it wasn't even that bad. Yeah. But it was, it's hypocritical for the left to defend that. Yeah. To make fun of a woman's looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then it's also hypocritical of the right to be like offended by jokes. And they both do it each, every single time. So no matter what happens, both sides take the opposite. No matter what it is, it's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't make fun of Huckabee's wife. Yeah, she made fun of her, uh, wait, it's a makeup technique, something I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gloss. I forget what it is, but I thought she was making fun of her lazy eye. And I was like, damn, that was mean. I was like, that was pretty aggressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Of course she's gonna do- I was more offended by Hasan Minhaj last year. What'd he do? Shane Gillis is a bitch!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gross. Michelle Wolf is also from Hershey PA, dude. Is she really? She's a fucking, she's a central PA gal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, there was nothing to be upset about, other than the fact that it's fucking gay. Other than liberal comedy is gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to, dude Larry the Gable guy is hilarious. He's great man. He's really funny. I never listened to him. I was so bummed when I found out that was an act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be hilarious. I think that was a character he did in his act and someone was like, you should just do that as your whole act. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they're doing arenas one man. Like, it's not like when you do a concert and you have to spend a ton of money on shit like that. There's just one fucking guy talking. With a microphone and a screen. And it's like, these guys are making like a million a fucking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Yeah dude, there's a lot of imposters. Daniel Whitney. Is that who? That's Larry the Cable Guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's footage of his old stand-up. Like there's footage of him doing stand-up. It's him being like, honestly, the Europeans were the ones who... Uh, looks like he's from Nebraska, nevermind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's- her sh- her shit was fine though. Oh dude. The Shell Wolf thing was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When black dudes, yea that was funny, when black people, uh, exceed their social, socioeconomic class that they've been given by the white man, liberals act like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. I was doinked out thinking about Sam Hyde the other day. Were you really? I took a big doink. You cried for him? No, I was just sitting there and I was like, cause I watched one of his videos that was like, or no, it was when I took the CBD oil. Gotcha. I was doinked out on CBD oil and uh, Sam Hyde put up this video right before it got taken down of he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That fits this too, but I was, I was doinked out thinking about his like thought process of literally just filming yourself saying the craziest shit possible, and just you put your phone down and just sit on a couch and like wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope I'm articulating enough. Like he films himself saying the craziest shit in the world and it immediately goes out to hundreds of thousands of people. Just while he's literally just sitting in his apartment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's just fucking around putting out crazy shit and everyone's just looking at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like so much that YouTube and Instagram ban him. Like a corporation is like, we gotta shut this guy down. It's just a fucking psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sensitive to that. Cause I'm pretty fucking edgy, bro. But there's the edge, dude. That's the difference. Some guys, when they go over on the other way, when they're just like, I'm super fucking edgy. I'm edgy, bro. Yeah. We're both edgelords. Yeah. What you wanna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are like, who the fuck are doinks and slivs? I had a gummy sliv, dude. I got doinked out. A little sliver of a gum. I had an edible marijuana, and I didn't realize O'Connor had invited me to go with him to the Penguins Flyers playoff game. Uh huh. Which was fucking crazy, but I was doinked out, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you had to take, how'd you get down there? Took the train, doinked out. I was asking people for directions and people were like, who the fuck is this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, we get to the game and we got there early enough that we could watch him warm up. And you can, when, during warm up, so you can just walk down to the ice basically. Yeah. So like we just walked to the front row like right where the glass was and watched him warm up. Which was cool as fuck. You were like right there. Yeah, like I have footage of like Sidney Crosby. Sidney Crosby was warming up like from me to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he was literally, I could reach out and touch him if the glass wasn't there. He was just dangling the puck. It was fucking awesome. And then, uh, like Malkin would skate by like, like right along the glass. Holy shit. My face was against the glass and I was doinked out just like, whoa, these guys are so cool. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fat, this little short fat guy came down next to us and he was hammered. He was a Flyers fan. He was just, me and Chris were both standing there like in awe, just like watching the penguins warm up, which was awesome. And then this guy comes down right next to us and like broke the silence of like, he starts pounding the glass. He's like, you fucking suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, then he looked at us, he's like pal in the glass. And I think he could tell me and O'Connor were both like, shut the fuck up. But he like looked at both of us and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and O'Connor were both like, chill dude, this is fucking annoying. It was like, it was an empty arena at that point, so like, it was pretty annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a little guy, I could talk shit. I was like, dude, if you got in there, you would fucking die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you somehow got into that cage that those animals are in right now. If you went out on the ice and tried to attack Sydney Crosby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're the Pittsburgh Penguins. Yeah, they're good at hockey. Yeah, they're elite. We know. He's yelling at Sidney Crosby. He's like, you fucking suck at hockey. He's like, he's actually pretty good. It's like, yeah, dude, we know. It's the best play in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, just, eh, and then I was, I was doinked out just sitting there thinking like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are, those are animals on the ice. Like dude, Malkin would glide by, like just not skating, just would glide by how fast and big he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on fucking ice. Be like the Pistons Pacers fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean, it's amazing. It was amazing to see them warm up. That's awesome. And then, uh, yeaah, then I was just, just doinked thinking about professional athletes. I was just doinked like, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm wasting my fucking life doing this and stand up sucks and I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's a flood of transit. It makes me think entirely different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I never had that. I get high up, I would have been just thinking about death the entire time. I would have been like, this is gonna collapse. And then I play in my mind, like, that could happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that is a thing that could, I don't know, I've done that like on a plane. I've just sat on a plane and be like, this could crash, like what would it be like if this crashed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, uhm. We aaaah. You wanna, you wanna call it? Yeah, man. You wanna call it, bro? Let's do it. Good cast. Get the fuck, it was a great cast. Good cast. Let me see if I have any shows worth...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh. Plug it up. No, I'm not gonna plug anything right now. You don't have nothing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not this week, I don't need to plug anything. Alright, maybe next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well, good talk. Signing off. Get some joints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Faking a girlfriend death is pretty nice. So if you're like, yo, I got a girlfriend that lives kind of like, you know, we have a long distance relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot going on, dude. No. There's not a lot of manateos. It's a lot of meth. Pigs run around and volcanoes. Some boars, some wild boars. It's just, you drive around Hawaii, and you have people from Hawaii who just pass you, and you're like, get the fuck out of the way! And you're like, yeah, this place kinda sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just my LDR dude out in Hawaii. He's probably planning on getting back to Hawaii and just unleashing it. Yea, yea, yea. You talk that shit over the phone. Did he ever confront the dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you texted me at, it was the night before and I thought you early birded me, I got up at 6 and I thought you early birded me at like 5.30 so I responded right back like, yo bro, I'm ready to roll and I was like, oh shit, that was the night before. I was like, my bad, my bad bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, man. Yeah, I never even, people were like, he's gay, and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, I think, no, I think the kid was like... 17? 17, 16-ish. Wasn't like a 13, 12. No. 16!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm giving that to gay guys. If you're a spaceman dude, that's a green light. If you're a spaceman, you're in Dude World. So it's like, Dude World rules are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dudes all agree 17 year olds are hot, so there's no one's videoing that vote. So you're in dude world, and you're like, yo, that 17 year old boy's hot, and everyone in your dude world is like, yeah bro, hot as fuck, grab his ass dude, grab his fucking ass. Fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might want a little seal, dude. I was a fucking, I don't know what it was. It wasn't, it's a bear. Otter. Seal. I was an otter, dude. I was just real sleek, hairless, dude. I was a fucking morsel, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We would have been, did you ever see the Livin' La Vida Loco music video? Yeaah. It's been pouring fucking candle wax on my chest dude, it's been fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was at Jiu Jitsu early this morning with the Sensei dude, just getting, getting my fucking ass beaten. It's so funny too, when like, when you're doing drills, it's like someone starts laying down and then you have to like mount them. So you're like, all right, you want me to get on top? And then you have to like get on top of them and sit on them. The first, first week I came back, I didn't wear a cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't wear compression shorts or anything. My fucking dick was just hanging. It was just me and this dude and he, like the thing was like slide your leg onto the other person's legs and pull them forward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, there was no way about it. My dick was just rubbing his leg. Your dick took a pounding. He's like, y'all not going to tell you bro. He's like, yo bro, I'm just letting you know, probably should get it cut, bro. This is kind of weird. And I was like, yeah, dude, this kind of sucks. And he was just like, no, no, you know, I keep, he hit me in the nuts like three times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going, we're going 40% slow, I'm a slow, I'm bumping and grinding you dude, it was nasty. And there's girls in the class that like, it was, it was time to get up and switch and I would see them and just be like, they'd be like, I'm, I'm, and I'd be like, just beeline away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be kicked the fuck out of here, man. I'm scared. I'll be the first jiu-jitsu me too, dude. I'm like, I'm not fucking having that. What belt is that? What? The me too belt? If you get kicked out for rubbing your dick all over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realized too, I'm all balls, dude. I put that cup on, I'm like, it's like fucking trying to keep a frog in a dixie cup, dude. I'm like, I'm trying to get it. It's tough. So yea, I've been trying to fucking manage the toad, dude. No, that's been tough, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not gay at all. Jujitsu is the least gay thing you can do. There's nothing, it's like you just, you're breaking through the gayness dude. You're getting so gay on a guy that it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I'm doing a, uh, did you ever hear the audiobook Fantasyland?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Parfait, you have a yogurt parfait, that's 80% gay. That should be the uh, nutrition facts, instead of like, fat, carbs, you should be like 80% gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I gotta like, put myself back in the place of like, being hammered on a weekend, a weekday night, cause it's like, yea, you definitely order like, the weirdest fucking, that's part of your hangover. So when you're drunk, you fucking eat like, the weirdest shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His one roommate had like an emergency tooth problem. Eating like horrible. I think he said his tooth rotted from the outside in. Which is usually like it gets inside and rots. It's just fucking egg through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was funny, his girlfriend was saying that they were at the ER all night, and for some reason I thought back, I thought that she said backyard, so I was, the whole time she was talking, I'm imagining him in the backyard just like, silently screaming and punching the walls and be like, oh, this fucking hurts so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never heard of tooth decay starting from the outside and eating through.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, if you're running a harem like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Alabama. We should fake a murder and call an MPR McYo or call Vice McYo. We need to investigate this murder, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a weird voice. You hear the T. The T is what's fucking spiking the things. If we were here like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I come out of the, I'm in Fishtown. If you're not from Philadelphia, it's like, it's like the most, it's like a really hipster area, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If my dad smells like a french vanilla creamer, he acts like he's retching. He's like, oh, get, get that shit away, I can't even smell that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when guys bring coffee, and if it's like, French Manel or Hazelnut, he's like, Jesus Christ, c'mon man, c'mon, stand over there, I can't smell that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just wanted some yogurt, dude. A parfait is just yogurt with shit in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yogurt parfait just means yogurt with other stuff inside of it. That's parfait. Plus you're gay. Yeah, you drop a berry at a time like, ooh, I'm making a parfait. My, uh, my mom called me gay recently. Cause I have, I, the jeans I buy now, I only buy jeans with like stretch capabilities. And I was like talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I'm on the street, I gotta put you in the leg lock. But I also just think they're really comfortable. So I was showing my mom, you know, I was like, mom had stretch jeans. And I'm like, yo, check it out, I have them too. And I lifted my leg up, like to my knee, like lifted my leg all the way. My mom was just, my dad was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, yea, like doing high knees, like lifting my knees up, like as I was standing, but I was just like going high knees. Everybody around you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, that's kinda gay. And I was like, ah, fuck. She wasn't even trying to be like me, she was just like, she had to get it out. She's like, I don't know man, that's kinda gay. I was like, alright man, catch you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, so I go out, I come out of there dude, I'm just feeling my fucking oats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a really like hipster, it's like Brooklyn basically. You know, whatever, however you want to put that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm seeing these guys who are like 30, 35. Check, like looking at 40.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, they've been working on being cool for so long that like, I come out of here and there's like a coffee shop next to where I come out of, and like a bar or whatever, so I come out and I just see these dudes with like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you have a neck tattoo of a wolf. No discernible skills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to bloody well learn a craft. Do something man, I see these guys-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you put, you put on like a Hawaiian shirt, had like half of it unbuttoned, you had two tattoos, tattoos on your face, and you're sitting there with long hair just like, I'm a graphic designer. Like I'm looking at these dudes like, I'm investing in fucking pharmaceuticals. The depression medication's gonna be skyrocketing, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, these guys are gonna hit 40, man. And it's, they're gonna get control of their parents' money, and they're gonna spend it on a little art fair, dude, and it's not gonna go so well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm gonna be sitting here just like tick tick tick. You're gonna be. Watching the Nasdaq like yes. At that point you'll be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, it's funny coming out and just seeing people just like, sitting there smoking cigarettes, like, crumpled over, just like, awww, and it's like, you boys better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't even, it's something you'd have to even, I'm gonna start taking pictures of these people and sharing them on the thing, just like, I'll see people and I'll just be like, what the fuck do you do? How do you even exist? And dude, I'm telling you, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you took all the energy you put into comedy and just focused on looking cool for other people. That's what I'm, that's the level of dedication I'm talking, talking about. Like every single band you're like, wait, do a lot of people like this band? Oh no, it has to be obscure. This has to be obscure. Is anyone else aware of this? It's like, dude, I'm watching this, these motherfuckers are out of control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I come out of there, I come out of there. Shane, there's not a fucking thread, not a cotton fiber on my shirt that's not soaked in sweat and I see these motherfuckers and I'm like, good luck guys. Good fucking luck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another thing I've been seeing, dudes when it gets warm out, the standard for like being able to take your shirt off in public. I'm like, yo bro, pop a fucking tank on at least. I see people now just going shirtless to like catch some rays and I'm like, bro what the fuck are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You look like a half-melted snowman. I was looking at these guys walking around and was like, yo boys, put your fucking shirt on. Do some crunches inside, dude, wait. Something about...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what happens, if you stay in for the full half an hour, dude, you teleport to Kevin Spacey's lair. Dude, you're just like, oh, where am I? Yeah, it's another one. Dude, I've been- Just all the parfait you can eat. I've been all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an audiobook in this thing called Fantasyland, where it's about like, this guy's ideas that America is based off of people who are prone to believing in fantasy. Basically being like, we're a nation of like, utter suckers who are led purely by fantasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, I don't fucking like it dude. I'm listening to this guy's book. It just sounds like really snobbish so far. Where he'll like, he'll talk about like the original people from England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So far, yeah, so far I'm just kinda like, dude, this is a stretch, cause it's like, it's easy to sit here now and be like, phew, these guys thought there was gold, and it's like, okay, books just came out, what was it, like 1440? Yeah. That was the first book. 1440.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's like, in England, for hundreds of years, it was like, there was one book for every like 25,000 people. So like, if you were a dude in England in 1600s, and you had no job,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were just like a fucking stray cat. You were to sit there somewhere, eat, and then to stare at a wall, and then some guy would be like, yo, there's a whole other country with gold and stuff. You wanna come on a boat? You'd be like, yeah, fucking sure. Why not? And this guy's like, these suckers. You gotta go to Jamestown. Suckered, yeah, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, these guys were like sitting, imagine being in your parents basement forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, when people talk about 400 years ago, it's the most annoying thing. It's like acting like they, they actually crashed. He was like saying how like, uh, Columbus event, like, was looking, thought he was in Japan. He's like, and he hit the Bahamas. And it's like, dude, of course he hit the fuck of Bahamas, man. What would you have done? I, I hate when people get all high and mighty about that shit. And to think about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You come here, you don't even know this landmass exists, and now you see different people for the first time, and it's like, and they just treat it, and it's like, dude, you're in like a fucking video game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got, like, sharp sticks, and you're like, yo, what the fuck, dude? Get the fuck out of here, and then they start getting loud, and you're like, alright, I'm busting out musket, dude, I don't even know you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that when they're just like, and then they do this fantasy of gold and they ruin these people and it's like, that fucking, that stance on history pisses me the fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give that guy, like you see guys with fucking, they mean they had tomahawks. They're fucking chopping down trees for arrows, you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put him on a fuckin' apple orchard, this motherfucker be pickin', he be killin' it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just hate when people put a modern mentality on the 1600s. It's like, dude, you have no fucking idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a big, there's like a big sea if you go like seven days walk from here. And dude, the language barrier is unimaginable. And they're like, and this guy actually thought like the South Ocean, the South Indian Ocean was like seven days away. And it's like, dude, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop, lemme drop you off in the woods, dude. On a state game, see how you make it out. Someone's like, yo, it's that way. You'd be like, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the people who weren't suckers stayed in England.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yea, it's more than being a sucker, dude. It's like, these people were poor as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they didn't have any other choice really. And a lot of them were indentured servants too. So it's like, it's a bullshit, bullshit thesis. And I've had people tell me, like, those are really good and I'm reading it and I'm like, I can't, I can't fuck with this guy dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the other thing too, and they're like, this country's founded on racism, and it's like, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Read about the, then like, there's been so many other genocides all over the world for the same thing have been like, yea, you guys are the other guy, fuck you guys. That's so fucking annoying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'll hit you with some shit, dude. I started telling you this yesterday. I've been trying to figure out how to get more sex out of my girlfriend, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is what, this is not totally, but these are definitely, this is part of the seeds that ruin my marriage is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just stopped, the sex stopped, and I just kinda, I didn't know, I literally, I was like Columbus crashing into the land bank dude, I was in foreign territory just being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're supposed to have sex every time we go out to dinner. You're dating, it's just like dinner, sex, hanging out, sex in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blow jobs out of the blue. And then, you know, I was married and it was just like, you know, I'm stressed with work, blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I got over it dude, but I was always- It comes back. I was having sex all the time, so I was like, I'm cool, wait. But then the sex started slowing up, you know, and whenever your bae gets stressed with work, this pussy just shuts down, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut's down. That was my theory too with like, cause I learned from being married is like, if you take your wife on vacation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I did it when I was married, as soon as we went away, and it was just like, in my head, like, what the fuck, I'm like, I can't get an eighth of this back at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then like, you know, that's more resentment. You get home and you're like, you fucking liked my ass at the all-inclusive, dude. Now we're back at the house. I want nothing to fucking do with me. So now, you know, it starts...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and it just fucking dries the pussy, dude. It's not even their fault. They hear a dude whining about pussy, and their pussy's just like, Leave him. Get out of here. Get out of here quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because as a dude, you shouldn't cry for pussy, dude. You should just be crashing into undiscovered land masses. And just doing shit like that, and you're just like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's, I was saying, I was, my mind was going to the Matrix in a different way. You know those, like, when they're in, like, the real world, those weird robot spider crawlers that float around? Yeah. It's just as soon as you turn down some place, they all are just like, huh? They fucking fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, so I'm like, so, you know, we're arguing a little bit about that and I'm like, oh man, I'm not, I've been in these waters before I have to get out. So then I researched this article, like how to have more sex with your girlfriend basically from like a psychological perspective. And the thing I learned is that like I had to stop, they're basically mentioning like stop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta stop initiating sexual touch, like you have to start from scratch basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a fucking nazi, I'm dude, get the fuck out. Oh my god. You're ashamed of 12 rules, dude. You know how many dudes haven't killed themselves because of Jordan Peterson?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying dude, that whole thing of like, well, the whole point anyway, and I, I'm, I'm, I have a part of me that's like that. The naturalist. No, no, please. That's like the naturalist of like, I'll figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were saying like, you have to sit there and have like, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to get them like basically horny again, like I'm not, these are not her, these are not her words, dude. These are my words. In order to get your girlfriend like horny for you, you have to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, so we just have to like sit there and they're like, yea, and just like lay there and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda just like hold her for a little bit, so I'm like tr- like holding her. We're sitting on the couch, I'm like trying not to touch her ass. I'm just sitting there like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then it's, I'm like, alright, whatever you do, just don't tell her what you're up to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize she was coming home early that day. So I, and also I have these calluses from lifting all winter. So I chucked on the latex glove. Cause I'd read that like, I'd read on another thing that you should try jerking off on the latex glove.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I just had these calluses because I'm fucking pumping iron, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you call it, Billie Jean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to jerk off, I stole a big box for cleaning purposes. Cause I get Boston to clean the tub all the time, dude. I have a chemical phobia. When did you steal the gloves? Months ago. If you need any, I have hundreds of gloves. I have a ton of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, I was just thinking like, maybe I'll start putting them on my dick. But anyway, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so I'm on the edge of the bed, phone to my face, sitting upright with one latex glove on. Sitting. Sitting upright. Good posture. Better flow. Yea, you get a good flow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like sitting there watching porn on my phone. Hunched over. I'm watching Lesbians, you know. Latex glove. I'm back to the basics. You're just watching Lesbians. Some Lesbians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was getting back into Ultimate Surrender, which I had to get out of. That shit's too fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting in bed, sitting in bed, dude. Definitely pants down, no shirt. And I have my phone by my face, the door opens. Who is it but my angel, dude. I just pledge my, I just pledge my celibacy too, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh god, and she was just like, what are you doing? And I could have just been like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I could've said anything, but in my head, I'm cold-busted, dude. Honesty is the best policy, and I was just like, uh, I was jerking off. She's like, you were jerking off? And I was like, fuck, I should've lied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That chaps my ass whenever, ever, all of his detractors, it's like, so what's your problem? What specifically do you hate? And they're like, well, it's just, oh come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chat, that is, that's an ass chat for me. Catching me jerking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's caught me with a flashlight before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's damning, yeaah. I tried to get in there and fucking maybe seal team six your fucking fleshlight for you, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my mom, my mom used to do that to us. She would go through our stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could find, you could find like a loaded spike in like Hooker's phone number dude, like there's worse stuff you can find than a fake pussy dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, she found the lube that I gave you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave Shane a small, the Deer Park half size bottle, a little like pony version, and I, lube's fucking expensive by the way, so I shared some with Shane, and then it said chill on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause of your, cause of your old joke you had about Netflix and chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wish you were chugging chill dude. You had to rave just taking like bumps of chill


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a little blotter hits of chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm super fucking silly. I was fucking- I told you this yesterday. I had this idea that I thought was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had this idea, uh, yesterday that I thought was a pretty good idea. Not really getting good feedback on it, but it's like for online dating, you put a picture of someone as your profile, someone slightly, as someone less attractive than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you show up to your date, and you're just like, bam, what's up, it's me. How did they thought, aren't I? You thought I was an ugly bitch? Sup, baby. Keys to the kingdom are yours now, dude. Just like, like you're saying, Joe millionaire, dude. Just like Joe millionaire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still, I forget people are still online dating, man. You, I mean, you're almost...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that you have an online dated dude is like, it's like a part of your innocence that leaves when you start doing that. I know, I've never online dated. Yeah, and that's like, it's almost virginal in some sense because you lose a little bit of faith in humanity. When you start doing that, it's like, you're never the same.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls are different that way though. They, they are. It's funny because girls will be on there and be like, you must be 5'9", you must be that, which, you know, if you flip that around, it's like, you know, it's gonna get viral as you're like the biggest piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only do, whatchamacallit, I only do like Civil War snuff, I sniff tobacco. Like Ulysses Grant. Like Germans. Yea, I have like a little nose horn, I sniff tobacco. But nah, dude, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls will be like, they'll hit you with like the physical requirements, and they'll be like, must be like six feet, must have a masters degree, and they paint this picture that's just like so unattainable. It's like, bitch, you're online. Exactly, dude. But it's crazy. I don't know, it's just fucked up. Or you have a girl who will go up and like see and just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough dude. It's, it's like, but then it opens up the thing where like, it's not that serious because it's a double jeopardy of like, are you still using the app? Because a girl can't push it too forward and be like, what's good with a relationship? Delete the app. Yeah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It's this weird double jeopardy. And then if you meet up on a date, hang out twice, fuck someone, you can just be like, hey, you know, I'm on the act.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just on the app, we're having fun. Just having fun. So you just, the girls get like this most negative fucking mindsets from it. Dudes kinda turn into like, like you can get a lot of pussy off online dating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. It's an obsession, dude. I understand. You wake up in the morning and you're just like, uuuh, cause it's like, there's a pussy somewhere on your phone, dude. You just gotta swipe enough long and hard enough to get to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, let me know what's going on. No pressure with you. Dude, it's so fucking gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you don't do stand up, you're in the office. It's like, you're not allowed a mac at the office. Supermarket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend laments the fact that she let me have sex with her. I think in three weeks it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I always, what I tell her is that I'm like, yes, it was three weeks, which to me seemed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seemed fucking long, but I also, after our second date, so we had one date, didn't hang out for like three or f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're wrong, wait two days, give him a piece of candy and be like, we're good, right? Like, he was also telling me that he hasn't taken a solid shit in like three years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gone like five days. This guy's been years before he's taken a solid chair. That's terrible. Just diarrhea every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's hilarious. I imagine though, if it's like, you didn't have fucking, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't have any fridgerators, you didn't have fridgerators or anything. So like, I'll like, chicken will be in the fridge for like six days, and I'm like, I think it smells weird. Back then, what they thought was okay to eat and what was not was just like, probably crazy, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your yogurt parfait, imagine that sitting out for three days and being like, ah, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate when people, when people do that before, I've been like, I've been there, someone will do a urinal fart, and I'll be like, nice, and then they're just kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck did you get mad? I can't, I couldn't imagine living a life where I'm in a bathroom, I fart, other people laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, that must just be a personality difference, cause if I'm ever in a part- if I fart, and anyone else laughs, I'm fuckin' turn around like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually just reminded me of the last time I drank, I can't remember when this was, but I was pretty drunk, I was out with Brittany somewhere, and it reminded me of just being in a bathroom full of drunk dudes when you're drunk, like you wander into that weird realm of like, you're at a bar, everyone's hammering you, walking in, you're peeing, you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it might be that or just a room of quiet judgement. Did you see her legs? It looks fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, you starting out with a bitch. He's going to dude's drunk bathroom. Dude's drunk bathroom does suck. I go in solo a lot. I'm out with my bitch dude. I'm like, I gotta break off. I don't know anyone. I roll in. I'm half cocked and then like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last time and as soon as when I'm drunk like that and someone says something and I'm like laughing, but if they, if I detect any sort of aggression from them, I'm like, what the fuck you say? Now I'm like about to fight someone in the bathroom. It's just like, it's a bad environment. That might be toxic masculinity, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you got coming up, bro? I do have some shows. Bust them out, bro. Get your data.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit bro, you know me, just still, I'm writing my next book, dude. It's off the dude, it's off the fucking chains. I actually got a very good review yesterday. Shout out to Greg Trout. I'll be on his podcast, Nerds with Words. Oh, nice. Yep. Shout out to my boy, Wes Rollins. If everyone's feeling a little bit fat and wants to lose weight, join the men's. What's he doing? He runs a podcast slash group called the men's weight loss team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So check out the Men's Weight Loss Team Podcast, long title, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lots of interesting nuggets. That's my Wes, Wes, uh, Rollins is my, he's my life coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He knows about getting money. He knows about being ripped to sell. So check out his podcast if you feel like a fat bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're back. Dude, I can't wait for you to prove him wrong, dude. You're like, you went your way where you were like, uh, Uma Thurman, dude, you're in the, you punched your way out of the casket, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got the four logos in you, dude. Yea, you got the four logos in you. That's just a solid capital. Also, I remember this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 84. What up dude? What up dude? What up Shane? How are you? Chillin'. You seem a little under the weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today is Saturday. What? Today is Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bunch of apps that are like games that are, that's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got drunk and started speaking a little Spanish this past weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be fucking awesome. Mr. 305, dude. You are, dude. You are Mr. Worldwide. On the Sabbath, dude. I can't believe you're recording on the Sabbath.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scared of what? Big move. Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. No, uh, I, I really don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't care? Not really. Sure. I mean, I don't think it's gonna make the, at least in the next couple months, it's not gonna make a huge difference. It's just more fuckin' traveling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm gonna have new roommates so it'll be uncomfortable, like going to the, taking a shit and fucking walking to the shower. Any girls? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't do that to my bae. What do you mean? Have a female roommate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's like, my ex bae did that. And that fucked me up. Oh heaven. She moved in with a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was like, I can't like we're having a long distance relationship and you live with a dude like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like on, online it happens when you see people fall and their dog runs over. Yea yea. He starts humping them right away. Humps the fuck out of them. You'd be waiting for that female roommate to slip.


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[Assistant] I was staying at Sam Ike's house in Boston and he lives with some chicks.


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[Assistant] And I was, I was like sleeping on the couch in the living room and I woke up in this girl's bedroom door was connected to the living room and it was just open. She was sitting like Indian style on her laptop on her bed and like it's just a perfect view of me sleeping on the couch. I like woke up and looked at her. I was like, what the fuck lady? Don't do that. I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's probably getting fucking lubed. Hard nips, hard clit lubed. I think she did improv, dude. She was probably sitting there writing a blog about how gross and fucking vile men are. And I was feeling that, just sitting there snoring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of snoring, snoring papas, I up in Brooklyn, I slept in the same hotel room. It was me, Beezer and his girlfriend on two different beds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were two beds in the hotel room. But you and Beezer shared a bed? No. Oh, you were side to side. He was on my side.


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[Assistant] No, I put, which is, they thought it was weird, but I put like my bag and like clothes on the inside facing them. So you had a little shelter. I had a little shelter. You had a little barrier.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I think it was just instinct. That's fair. I was drunk and it was all my bad dude. I can't, I can't have a ba- I need a barrier between me and another man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point, he like, I guess tried to get like, handsy with her. He started like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how you do, you just grab your bitch. I know all too well. Then she like pushed him off. So he like rolled and flipped facing me and I was laying on my side facing him in the middle of the night. I woke up to me and him facing each other.


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[Assistant] Also, he snores worse than any person I've ever met. And I had the morning blowouts. He was snoring over your blowout? Well no, I was trying my best to fart loud enough to make him stop snoring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There were a couple times I farted, like, as loud as I could, and he would laugh out of a snore. He was like,


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[Assistant] One time, here's a good snort. So it was me, my friend, Mark and my friend, Letty, all they, they played for body line, one played tight end, one played offensive line. So it was like big poppers, dude. I'm talking fucking six, four, six, five, three pounds. I'm just, I'm just imagining the grass stage.


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[Assistant] You listened. Yeah, we both like, I mean it woke us up. But what was funny is he and I didn't communicate to each other that we were awake. Like he and I were both doing the same weird thing, which was like fake sleeping.


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[Assistant] I wish you would pump. Pump into me, dude.


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[Assistant] Oh man, I, uh, I don't want to get into that. Yea, they don't like seeing that. I know, yea.


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[Assistant] You are, man. Well, it was the Sabbath. True that. It's a good time for goat. It's when you rest. I'm a holy day. I fucking noticed my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a fucking arrow. Fat arrow. Just lounging.


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[Assistant] My, uh, my brother-in-law's an Arab. He lou- he lounges hard, dude. I mean- There's the- Arabs are literally the hardest loungers on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lead up to Iraq, when we invaded Iraq, like this guy was filming just an Iraqi family before the invasion and like after, but it shows them like chilling in the house. It's so funny to see like grown men like.


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[Assistant] Sitting on like a big chair with their legs up, like curled under them, like leaning and like a daughter making tea and bringing it around to everybody.


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[Assistant] I feel like every time I see an Arab like meeting or something on TV, it's like a bunch of rugs and then pillows against the wall and they all just lounge.


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[Assistant] I'd be fucking lounging if I knew drones were circling. Yeah, I'd be in the den. I'd be smoking hash in the den and be like, yo. Whatever happens. We gotta blast something out of the fucking sky. I'm going out chillin'. Yeah, that's true.


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[Assistant] Domestic terrorism and like, how they recruit people to ISIS and shit. The Uyghur theory is pretty strong. That they get them. The Uyghurs join ISIS pretty easy. Makes sense. Yea. And then, uh, there's a huge Somali population in Minnesota. Those boys joined up.


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[Assistant] There was a kid, uh, on that podcast I've talked about a couple of times. It's called Caliphate.


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[Assistant] By the failing New York Times, yeaah. He got there and executed two people, it was like,


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[Assistant] No booze, no cigarettes, nothing. Just gotta go lay down. You just gotta be like, we did it.


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[Assistant] Nice kill. Put on some weird Arabic cartoon.


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[Assistant] They just love Pappy Lapew. Do they, really? Yea, he's out there fucking chasing women. Holy shit. He is very, uh, negligible.


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[Assistant] Oh man, this is a cast dude, we're back into the cast. Classic dude. Not even a break dude, we're just swinging. I know.


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[Assistant] I think he's the one who was driving through a neighborhood and a bunch of muzzies were like approach this car and were like, get the fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] He just wanted a slight racist. Well- He wanted like, only racist against muzzies.


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[Assistant] I'm not gonna have a no-go zone in my country. He doesn't believe in borders. Yeah, he's, who, Tony Robinson? Yeah, he believes in super borders. Except in his own country.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I understand. I've, I mean I've watched it. Yeaah. I've seen some shit, but then when you get into like the defense league and like. They got wild. He left the defense league. That gets weird stuff.


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[Assistant] Well, hey man, you gotta figure the Somalis down there probably, there's probably not a lot of like women's shampoo and like lotions.


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[Assistant] And then they get up to England and there's lotion everywhere. They basically, they have girl roommates for the first time. They're coming in there shining that flashlight.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You are under my roof. The Sharia law permits that I take you now.


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[Assistant] We back. Matt blew his nose. We're feeling stronger, dude.


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[Assistant] But uhm, so this past Thursday, I did Miguel Dalmo's American Immigrant Podcast live. Oh yea, that was interesting. Tell me about that. And it was a panel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This Indian chick, I forget her name, she's a comic here. This Mexican lady who was like a activist that was like, she's like an immigration activist. How old was she? I don't know, probably mid thirties.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and then Dorian Vasquez and Miguel Downers.


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[Assistant] He was, he did fine. He's hilarious. Yeah. But, uh, then, then, uh, so in the green room before the show, we're just sitting there talking and the Mexican lady was shitting on


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[Assistant] When they get to America, ICE puts them basically in like,


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[Assistant] There's like county prisons basically, or like county, they're not technically prisons.


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[Assistant] Looks at these facilities, gives a contract.


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[Assistant] To the facilities if they're up to par, because any child facility in the state, DHS operates.


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[Assistant] Yes. But, uh, she just hated, DHS is involved. They're issuing the contracts to these places, these facilities, like Berks County. Berks County is the one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I did. My job was to go to condition, or to go check conditions and make sure they're okay. Make sure they have like appropriate, you know, like fire alarms, there's no space heaters, there's fucking no bed bugs. Check everything out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, then she finally admitted, well, she's anti-borders globally. She doesn't believe in nations' borders. She believes it's a human right to migrate.


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[Assistant] Seamlessly. Okay. Which, so I mean that kind of, I was like.


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[Assistant] Well, it doesn't really work that way. But, uh, so then I was like, yeah, my sister was the comm director for DHS. My sister was like high up in that whole thing. So I started texting my sister and I was like, give me something to respond to this. Cause this lady's, there's gotta be a reason that it can't be evil.


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[Assistant] Like they can't be locking up immigrants and being like treating them horribly and like, it's like these are illegal immigrants that they're waiting for asylum and they're giving, they're giving them like a bed and.


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[Assistant] So, so it's, it was supposed to be a children's facility, but then they just started letting random fucking adults live in the same facility as these kids. So then DHS got rid, it did not extend the contract with them. They're like, you're failing. You can't have fucking random people in there.


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[Assistant] So there's a long thing about that, but this lady starts talking about like, colonizers and white devils in the green room. I'm just sitting there like, oh, woah, woah, woah.


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[Assistant] And she might have been joking, but still, that's even joking, it's like, you're basically a human rights activist, but you're gonna sit here and use racial slurs.


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[Assistant] She's like, what conditions brought these immigrants to America? It's like America destroying the entire hemisphere. It's like, alright, see you later, lady.


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[Assistant] The, uh, then the Indian chick in the green room's like, I'm just glad my people never oppressed anybody. From India, as you were saying. India. And it was like, wait, wait, wait, what?


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[Assistant] India was an empire for, I mean, obviously they got butt fucked by England for a while, but it's like, what do you think? And then, so I was like, what about Pakistan? And she was like, well, that was pretty much Pakistan attacking India. And I was like, I think you guys had some massacres in there too.


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[Assistant] Well, that was brought up immediately too. It's like, well, yeah, you guys also had cast systems and they would throw women in funeral pyres with their husbands after they died. Yeah. How long ago was that? They were doing that recently. I mean in pockets, not like...


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[Assistant] Yeah. And then- Shit. But she's like, no, I just mean like, colonizing.


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[Assistant] Like, we never oppressed anybody else. It's like, yea, you fucking did. Yea, you fully did. Definitely.


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[Assistant] You didn't become a huge super power like that. That's dude, I mean. Anyway, but it was, it was such a funny like thought process. I'm just so glad my, my culture never, you know, oppressed anyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, we didn't really set the world on fire either. Yeah? I'm sure, I'm sure there was some fucked up shit the Irish people have done throughout history, but it's like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty funny. At one point though, the lady hit me with like a hard, she had a good, I mean, she studies this. What was the question? I forget what it was. Oh, I said something about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Irish or something like that, oppression type shit. I, and I understood I was coming from, I knew what was going to happen, but this, this dude in the front row that was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Indian, I think. Or like, he was brown skinned. He was like, ugh. And I was like, see, that's a weird thing to be like, your oppression's not as bad as mine. And then the Mexican activists had a good answer. I forget what it was, but.


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[Assistant] It's just, it's just, it's just like, you're, you're white and something like that and got a good, good response. I was like, well, you should do standup. You'd be doing late night with that material. That's pretty good. Yeah. I mean, a lot of claps. You should do standup. Yeah. But, uh, it's all cultural, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, we had to submit articles and shit. One article, one of the stats in it that was pretty interesting was, uh, the average Irish man in 1858, 14 pounds of potatoes a day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they would, they, I mean, Ireland still had fucking livestock and grain and other forms of food, but


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[Assistant] The English would collect all that. It's like, you owe us that. That's ours. They would take it and store it.


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[Assistant] So then when the blight happened and all the potato crops failed, that was all the food they had. So millions of people died.


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[Assistant] Cause of our oppression bro. Didn't you know how oppressed we were?


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[Assistant] But there were a lot more Africans on the boat.


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[Assistant] No, I mean dude, they were packing people in. Like me and Beezer in the hotel room.


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[Assistant] And I can't grow facial hair dude, so fuck you. Yea, seriously dude. Not even neck hair.


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[Assistant] Followed by Dairy Queen dropping like a six paragraph alt left fucking answer. Crazy shit dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we, we, yeah, we fucked up, man. I thought we had all this established and we're.


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[Assistant] We're not getting, we're going over some topics that are long done.


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[Assistant] You could hex a lot of people. Maybe I have. I'm trying to get my hands on score.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well here's, here's, this is not, this is semi-related, but it's like we, we get all these documentaries of just freak random things. And now we're like, that's a concern. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] No, of course not, but I'm saying in general, like any, any, all these random fucking documentaries, look what's happening. Yeah, it's like holy shit. It's like, did you know down in fucking Brazil this is what they're doing?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's very- No, it's like one dude in Brazil did some weird shit.


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[Assistant] Maybe that's what happened to all the liberal cucks, dude. I think Obama fucking was stripping on him.


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[Assistant] Hoss is talking about how he's watching Access Hollywood right now and you and me are in the know.


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[Assistant] Number two. I don't know if I want to add him on this.


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[Assistant] Her stand up on Seth Rogen's thing was, was fucking absurd.


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[Assistant] She's like, I'm a bad bitch, I. She's like, I hang out with Beyonce, what? Yeaah. That's not stand up. I made it. Yeaah, it's just like.


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[Assistant] I was thinking, dude, I was thinking how sick of a response it would be if he used clips of Donald Trump in his beat. Fake news, if he called Pusha T fake news, it would be the funniest shit in the world.


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[Assistant] I'm just saying, dude, I mean. That's good music, dude. Kanye's at the head of that.


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[Assistant] So you think Kanye is a mastermind? I think so dude. Which would all, that leads all the way to Trump. I mean, don't get me started on the thing.


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[Assistant] She's killing it. So you think Kardashian Trump is coming up?


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[Assistant] You tell me, this is what it's all about. This is why they listen to the cast. There's some listeners right now that were like, I wasn't even thinking about that. I wasn't even thinking, dude, that fucking good music Kanye West was behind this thing.


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[Assistant] That's probably some Trump lines. Like just say you're a billionaire and you are.


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[Assistant] That's what I mean. I'm saying, I think it's coming from the executive office that's like, here's some fucking news I uncovered.


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[Assistant] When people would call him a fucking lyrical, it was his lyrics I always hated. Yeah. Lyrically he sucks.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's funny, but they still suck. Yeah. For the most part.


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[Assistant] You think? Outside of a bodega?


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[Assistant] You fucking- I'm hanging, I'm like, what's up boys? Yea, somebody can see this. How are your cubes looking?


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[Assistant] They're the worst. Summertime, summertime they pop up a little.


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[Assistant] Who said that? You gotta remember, cause that guy was looking for your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just gave him a little taste. Satisfy, satisfy your pal.


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[Assistant] Nice donk dude, I've seen it. Well, it's a fucking butt dude. It's good. It's a thick butt, but it's covered dude. I didn't notice any fucking butt pimples.


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[Assistant] I would get stuff from football to get acne.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was, that was bad, like with football, if you didn't wash your pants. Ugh. Like wear the same pants to practice twice. That was fucking gross. Oh man. So, uh.


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[Assistant] You know what sucked about the body temperature thing is I knew the answer. As soon as we got done, I was like, yeah, that's it.


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[Assistant] Float tank. Yeah, like a hot tub's at like one and five. Float tank, yeah, float tank. You just lay in it. One ten.


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[Assistant] Water I think is definitely a different beast.


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[Assistant] Well think about getting in water that's like 60 degrees. It's fucking freezing.


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[Assistant] You're like a snake. Pretty much. You're like the snake on the don't tread on me.


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[Assistant] Nice. It's a good squad. I'm fucking- Draco's the man. He's just misunderstood. I think I'm more like- I was always a big Snape guy.


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[Assistant] I liked Snape from the first one, dude. I knew Snape was a good guy from the beginning, dude.


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[Assistant] Got a crush on Harry's mind. Snape was trying to smash in this fucking bitch Jewish Harry Potter. Harry Potter's dad. What was his name? Gary.


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[Assistant] Doesn't matter who cares. I don't know. Harry Potter's fucking lame, dude. If you like Harry Potter, you a bitch. I just watched it all. I just watched the whole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loved it. You loved it? Loved it. What'd you think, dude?


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[Assistant] Yeah, once they started to make it like diverse, you got some fucking hot kids running around, dude. Yeah, that, yeah, that was, uh,


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[Assistant] Year one of Hogwarts was a pretty white school. I think affirmative action kicked in for these wizards.


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[Assistant] Well then they switched from Hogwarts to Howard University for the last one. You think so? Well they needed the diversity back.


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[Assistant] No, I'm saying I'm gonna quit New York. You think so? It's gonna be tough not to after the first two months. I support you.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, I'm just saying, that's how I am. Anytime there's something new, I'm ready to go home. Yeah man. Immediately.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Hate it. I know for a fact I will like it eventually. I think you will too. Yeah.


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[Assistant] You're like, man, these guys aren't even following any breadcrumbs. Man. Breadcrumbs are all around us, dude. And all these fucking hipsters don't follow them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that, that actually is like a worrisome thing. I'm like damn, now my chance is up.


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[Assistant] Well, Russia's just, Russia's just as far west as Japan and...


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[Assistant] You'd just have to send him a copy of Overlook. True that. Imagine this on your side. Yea, exactly. Instead of just out here, a maverick.


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[Assistant] What would your first book be if you were starting to write propaganda in the new Soviet America?


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[Assistant] That is the key. That's what sparked this whole thing. What?


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[Assistant] Female Ghostbusters. You think that's what started us in Russia? No, I'm saying that's what started all the fucking Marxists coming out of the caves in America. It did, man. It did. People were like, eh. What do you have a problem with women Ghostbusters? Like, we know it's gonna suck, dude. Don't make it. It will suck.


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[Assistant] I've never been like, yo, I can't wait for Female Oceans 11. That's gonna be tight. That's gonna be so sick, dude. I can't fucking wait for that. I can't wait for that.


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[Assistant] Well, it's cool, dude. There's a lot. Nah, you can't knock him over. You can't knock him over.


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[Assistant] Yeah, me too. A bunch of fucking douches and fedoras are trying to steal all your shit. They have a warehouse that they're planning to steal your shit, dude. Fuck that. It's fucking bullshit. They should have got shot in the head. That would have been a good movie. Like they broke in and the security at the casino executed them.


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[Assistant] What's gonna happen is they're either gonna blow one security guard and get to the access, or one security guard's gonna beat the shit out of the whole team.


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[Assistant] He's like, we're gonna steal half the casino's money. It's like, how? I'm gonna make him fall in love with him.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna record him saying something anti-Semitic and release it to Hollywood. That's a good movie. I mean that's just Life and Times of former Clippers owner. What was his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clippers owner's name was... Don't look it up, dude. The listener is in suspense right now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he had a hot lady. He was like, I'm cool with you hanging out with black dudes, just don't fucking post it on Instagram.


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[Assistant] What's that guy doing? Donald Sterling. Donald Sterling. Oh my God. What idiots. That listener, the listener right now knew it was Donald Sterling. And for the last 30 seconds was like.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's Donald Sterling. RIP dude. What a, what a great man.


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[Assistant] That's hilarious. That story still cracks me up.


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[Assistant] He got fucking caught being racist by his fucking, his broad dude, recorded a private conversation.


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[Assistant] And then, dude, the players like protested. That had to suck. Just sitting there like, oh fuck dude, oh shit, the players are turning on me dude, oh no. All he had to do was be like, I don't want you hanging out with other dudes. I mean, he clearly was racist.


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[Assistant] I mean, I think his bitch was posting pictures of her, like, getting, like, with a bunch of black dudes, and he was like, everybody knows I can't fuck you. This is, you're making me look like a chump.


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[Assistant] He's like, fuck it. He's like, dude, I'm sending it. Stop it. He was at a bar. He was like,


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[Assistant] Three hours later. I made some good points. I'm on CNN.


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[Assistant] Shit. In America, definitely. That's tight. You'd be like, he's racist. The judge is like, you got some black lady judge.


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[Assistant] That black lady judge was, that was a little, that was over the top.


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[Assistant] They're allowed to be judges. Of course. I just don't want my fucking, I don't want my witnesses taking pictures with them on Instagram.


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[Assistant] A white lady that's like, I'm not racist at all. I can't believe racists exist. Fire him, destroy him. This is, I mean, I know I've jokingly been defending Sterling here, but it is funny to the outrage of that.


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[Assistant] Of everybody being like, he should be, he should get rid of him.


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[Assistant] That's exactly what he was doing. He was worried about getting, looking like he was getting cucked by black dudes. So it was like this clearly racist insecurity.


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[Assistant] What are these fucking Filipinos doing in this studio? Get them out of here.


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[Assistant] He fell out of the car, I didn't get to see it, unfortunately. Really? No, I've never seen him drunkenly fall, which would be phenomenal.


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[Assistant] We had this vacation video of us and this other family and we were all watching it recently and it was from like mid nineties. Yeah.


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[Assistant] My one, my godfather actually got so fucked up at the beach that he, he fell and it's on camera.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it squeezes it like, sometimes we'd have to hold hands during the Our Father. I'd fucking fuck with him the whole time. He would squeeze as hard as he could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, slap in the back of the head was nearly constant. He would flick hard as fuck. Flick you in the fucking head. Dude, that hurts like a motherfucker.


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[Assistant] Oh man. Oh, it's so funny. He's a hot kid, a hot Catholic boy. Yeah, we're just like, I did it, I did it. That's when Catholic boys are at their hottest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they peek at it. Dalled up, walking through the aisle, you're sitting in a pew.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Ring Girls. The Ring Girls, yeaah. That's basically. That's at Chicago churches. Yeaah, and they walk by you and blow kiss at the camera. Fucking hot kids. Dude, you don't think I've had this fantasy?


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[Assistant] It's like fast times at Ridgemont High, that fantasy where you get out of the pool. I do that with altar boys. I just sit in church all day.


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[Assistant] Having kids as like people that help with the shit is still weird as fuck.


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[Assistant] No, I've been there. That happens. Yeah, cause you get told in Catholic school that's what happens to priests. Yeah. It's like, God told me one day that I should begin. It's like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] I was at, I was at church on Saturday last week. Did you really? At a wedding.


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[Assistant] Catholic Church and just seeing the altar, it was a, some young girl. Yeah, it's weird. Just sitting up there.


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[Assistant] So like the priest would be like, and then the Lord said, was he, was he a pastoring? Like was he getting into it or was he?


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[Assistant] That's how you get AIDS. It could be. In that scenario, that's probably why she was pissed. I mean, she's a prostitute.


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[Assistant] Prostitute, drugs, and a husband that's fucking men? That's, I mean, that's fucking full.


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[Assistant] You're up there with that fuckin' AIDS. That's like the three.


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[Assistant] Alright, so she, it was, it was ripe time to die. If you're running that life, 55, that's a good run. She was redlining pretty fucking hard. That's a good run.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'll be lucky to make it to 55. That's what I'm saying. Just from like meat.


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[Assistant] My, I think one of my favorite, uh, YouTube videos, or Vines, is a black preacher at a funeral. And he's holding a dove. He's like, if I had wings I would fly like this dove. And he throws it and it's dead and it just, it just lands and all the black people are like,


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[Assistant] Church probably would have been sick and then he'd be like, yeah, we got to kill this fucking guy. I'd be like, yes. Yeah. Another public execution.


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[Assistant] If you see, yeah, yeah, yeah, cause you can't fuck in their small ass house. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Take him out in the woods. Catch a couple kids. That's where you find some bitches, dude. You see some chick, you see some chick plowing some dude. She's on top. You're like, that's the devil. You're not supposed to be up there. You break the tackler right off, dude. You're not supposed to be up there. You throw her in a pond.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That's a bitch, dude. And then you could probably get away with it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was a fucking bitch, dude. She was riding out in the woods. She was riding some guy's dick. She cursed him. Having orgasms and stuff, too. And that guy doesn't want to go down. He's, he's like, I'm married, dude. She cursed me. I was out here, I was trying, I was trying to fend her off. I was getting kindling. She bitched me. I was out here getting kindling.


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[Assistant] Be like, wait, let me hang out with her for one night and then I got an interrogator tonight.


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[Assistant] I don't know. I hope he does well. I like Drake.


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[Assistant] Thanks to the white society we created a world where these guys, this is how they act. So it's our fault. That's what they're...


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[Assistant] That's ridiculous anyway, but. That's the failing New York Times, dude. Yea, that's true. That's the failing New York Times.


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[Assistant] Drake should make fun of Pocha T for Kanye wearing a MAGA hat. If he wants to win the culture war.


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[Assistant] What, the show how Black Manor exploited? I mean, he was a young actor in 2008. Yeah. It's not like that crazy to do that.


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[Assistant] Well he's, he was black as fuck in Toronto. That's true. Yea. He's like Wesley Snipes in Toronto. He was dude. And he was like, look at, this is what white people used to dress like to imitate black people. He was, you know.


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[Assistant] Think about fucking Eskimo stealing your four wheeler. Just snowshoe it away.


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[Assistant] I mean this is, yeah, I don't know when the next one's going to be, so. Stay tuned. Enjoy this one.


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[Assistant] But we'll, we'll release it, let's release it Sunday or Monday. Give the people, give the people some fucking, give them a little early, early, early week snack. Yea, I wanna keep these people on their toes dude. And then I'll be back, I'll be back in Feli next week. So, we'll just drop another one, maybe a week later.


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[Assistant] I don't know, how else do you finish? You fucking- we've talked about this. Just put a paper towel over your dick.


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[Assistant] That's exactly why you just put a paper towel over your dick.


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[Assistant] Alright. Fuck girls all together! Yea, that's naughty bees.


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[Assistant] I'll fart in my car so hard, that like, I'll go do something, get back in my car, and it still smells, and I'm like, God, I'm such a fucking loser, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah. They're like, dude, I just fucking killed so many drug dealers. That's fucking sick, dude. He's like, I'm so tough on crime. They're just back and forth. That'd be so funny.


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[Assistant] I know, the live cast was sick. Smashing necessity, that was crazy. Dude, what do you think about our guest today? Sick. It's pretty sick. Big time guest. It's kinda fucking gay.


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[Assistant] The guest is gay. I'll fight you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Showtimes. Billions. Netflix special. Comedy Central special. Gaylord. Dude, coming off a hot loss.


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[Assistant] I was, I was the only one that did anything on offense. I got one touchdown. We lost 24 to 7. But he picked the Oregon playbook. I picked Oregon's playbook. I like the read option. I hate a read option.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Michael Vick in 03? I forget. 04? Yeah. That was like the most, that was the cheating, the most cheating you could do in a video game. Oh, if you picked him and just ran, you're like, you're a dick.


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[Assistant] Dude, there was this guy, there was this guy who was like a strength trainer for our football team in high school and we were at my friend's college, er, my friend's graduation party in high school and my dad was talking to this guy and he was a fucking lunatic. He was like always a hard ass.


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[Assistant] We had three different strength coaches in high school and the first one.


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[Assistant] I think it's because it was a volunteer job. So these are all nuts. These are all nuts. The first guy was this wigger that showed up. He had TV screens in the back of his car in the seats.


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[Assistant] And he was like, yo everyone, check this out. We were all high school freshmen. He put porn on his TV. It was like, hell yea. And we were all like, dude, this guy's the best ever. Dude, this guy's so cool. And he went to jail for a while. What'd he go to jail for? I forget, I don't know.


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[Assistant] But I saw him, I saw him at a bar a few years ago and he handed me, he was like, Gillis, what's up dude? I was like, oh shit, what's going on man? And he handed me a business card. He was like, I'm doing a lot of entertainment stuff, like, if you need any help. And I was like, oh thanks man. He handed me a business card. His business card was him with a motorcycle in his living room, holding a fucking Kawasaki with a vest.


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[Assistant] Grylls are sick. I don't know. I stand by Grylls.


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[Assistant] Yeah, most people I know that became doctors and shit are shitty.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the accessorizing and the looking nice. It's gonna be rough. For what? For me, I gotta start. Did you always dress like a football coach? Yeah, this is, I have like four shirts.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's uh, it's gonna be a tough struggle. It's an uphill battle dude. I've got a lot to change. I've got so much to change dude. I've got no options.


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[Assistant] I was like, Bill Burr, Bill Burr wears these. They look cool. And then I was like, I'm a fucking middle dude. I'm not Bill Burr filming a special. But you could start, you know.


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[Assistant] Day drinking when it's snowing is, it's the best day drink.


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[Assistant] Don't think I got a night. Although the last couple times I've done that was with my ex-girlfriend, and uh, it was so nice, it was some of the best. No, we fought every single time. Every time I day drank with a girl, it's a guaranteed fight.


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[Assistant] Hot chick will talk to me after a show and I'll be like, do you want a drink?


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[Assistant] Oh man. Yeah, you told me that one where you were trapped in the house during a breakup.


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[Assistant] Dude, I've been in a fucking writers room the last three weeks going through this entire thing and I'm listening to bad jokes. Like when someone pitches you a bad idea and I'm in like the worst mood possible, I'm just like, that sucks. Your idea sucks. You're stupid. They're like, do you want to be a part of this team? I'm like, yes.