[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that could do it. Yeah. I think brutal honesty. Yeah. I mean, that's what it's about right now, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to the glory hole, you're a glory hole guy. You know where like there are active glory holes in town. You go to one of your favorite ones and a guy on the other side just karate like stomps your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like ice climbers, dude. They live for the thrill. They actually love that someone might stop their penis on the other side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not familiar with this. It's on YouTube by this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he doesn't have a dick, I get it. That's why Iverson is destroying him. Wait, so you don't have a dick? Do you have balls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You could get front naked and it would not be easy. How do they cut it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can't dude, I took an Uber on acid over the weekend and I was obsessed with the idea of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you see so many like clips online like Uber driver like kicks out rude passengers or like Uber driver like caught on camera like assaulting a passenger or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Ubers are contentious places and I think that there is a level of anxiety that people have about them. But I think most people, if it really came down to it, if their Uber driver like attacked them or like tried to abduct them, they would just be like, I'm going to die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, so I was sitting there and I had a bad driver who was falling asleep and had to keep waking himself up. And I was like, if this guy were like malicious, I would kill him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was, dude, I was on acid just like, I know, I know in my heart that if this guy was like, guess what? We're not going to your death. I will break your neck. I'll fucking kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was, this is probably the backside of the peak. I was coming to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, I could, I could, no, no, no, no, but, but I was doing some, some thought experiments and I was like, okay, yeah, if it came down to it, I would kill my Uber driver.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. So I thought like I was explaining this on my other podcast. I'm sorry. I'm repeating myself, but I was doing one strip because one tab, cause I was like, okay, this is just an experiment. One tab typically doesn't do anything crazy to me. And I just got launched. I got, I got sent way further than I expected. So next time I'm going to really enjoy it next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know, I started reading about how they remember that stuff? Autism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Partially, but they do this mental exercise where they create a combination of, uh, like mental settings and objects. So they'll like for the digits zero through nine, they'll assign it like a mnemonic object in their brain. Like zero is like a pool float.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is like a necktie to like, it's something that you would associate with the number four, whatever reason. And then you build, you build this mental landscape where it's like, okay,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I close my eyes and I imagine like getting out of my bed, there's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's standing out, standing out of my bed, there's standing at my door, there's me in the hallway and you imagine all these places and in each of these places you account, you encounter the object. So you create a journey along the way of places, familiar places and mnemonic objects. And that's how they remember Pi up to like a thousand places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did the kids feel about not succeeding? Were they like, aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not have been comfortable with them watching me and my family. I would say turn that fucking camera off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't take my family to an escape room. That's too much of a risk. I feel like if I failed an escape room in front of my family, it would completely change how they see me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna find out the names please, I'm gonna go by myself and I'm gonna escape blindfolded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna walk in completely serious and blindfold myself in the center room and I'll say, you guys say when. And they go, start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, every time I look at him, he's like, when is this going to be about Friday night?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been spiritually a ghost bluster since I was a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. Man, man. I would have been so cool if pineapple express hit me when I was much younger. Yeah. Cause what was that like? Oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, getting $20 in quarters at the arcade on the boardwalk as a kid was the pinnacle. There was no higher ascension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I remember that. They just made a new one. Did they? It's on Xbox Game Pass. It rules. I played through it with my son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how they portray them in the 80s, but by the time I could go to arcades it was just like fat sweaty dudes with bowl cuts that were like wet with sweat sticking to the bottom of their faces and cutter girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the world has moved on from laser tag, unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then plus now everyone's, well here's the thing is that like, you know, they could make them make their money on like all the food service that they do now, but like they never have any of the food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you're trying to take a big bite of a hot dog. Now, imagine that hot dog is a fleshy, warm erect penis. Now, feel your tongue wrapping around it, feeling the shape of the head as it gets closer to the back of your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can feel the, the imprint, the imprint of a vein across the tip of your tongue as he starts pulsing and pushing further toward the back of your mouth. And he doesn't say it's going to come, but when you, you could feel just the impact of a warm goo as though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if someone spilled, uh, microwaved syrup on your, on your palm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little bit saltier than you'd expect, like a combination of a chlorine pool water and iodine salt mouth rinse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you swallow it, it doesn't take the whole load. It actually just stretches off whatever that your muscles can grab at. So you're creating a long gooey strand down your esophagus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I think we're good, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm repeating myself, but it might have just been a conversation I was having. But he's a big fat YouTube guy. And he's been around for like 10 years, I guess. He's been around for a very long time. And he got famous because he was doing uhm, like, like spurg out videos. Like he did this character he called Francis where he'd be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. Smashes McDonald's or whatever. And that really took off. Because, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one knew what good stuff was yet and they were just like, this is great. This is, this is viral stuff. And so he kind of turned it into like a YouTube career and you know, he did a lot of those videos as a character, but then he also did a ton of videos as just like a fat guy, just like, listen, guys, I need to, I need to fill y'all in on my personal life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my relationship is struggling. Like he started doing like very intimate, fat guy vlogs. And people started to get attached to those like, wow man, love how you opened up about this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And eventually it turned into just like, you know, he started making a little bit of money and he starts seeing like cool video game memorabilia in the background of his videos. And then it's like, okay guys, I made the decision. I'm going to get the weight loss surgery. And he goes through this entire weight loss process and he like, you know, doesn't lose weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think the first hint that something's funny is his, his marriage ends in the middle of his weight loss journey. And he comes out with like statistics about how like, you know, 80% of marriages don't survive weight loss surgery. And so we decided to separate and his wife leaves him and he keeps on trucking and then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, either, yeaah, I mean a million reasons. I'm not ready to leave fat world, or like maybe I can't do it and I'm insecure, or you know, anyway. So, he just makes nothing but like, sad fat guy stuff for years and years and years, and then, uh, he takes, he doesn't make a ton of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and he, he, I, well, he was like complaining about growing up poor. He's like, I grew up poor, you guys don't know what it's like. Well, my parents had money, but they didn't really like, buy us anything. Like, it was really bizarre stuff. So, a friend of his...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just like, dude, he's living in, in basically Pee Wee's playhouse with video game items in the background. And then, uh, he leaves the money in crypto for too long and loses it all and has to come out and like, he starts to go fund me for himself and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he loses it all overnight, and he has like, well I, you know, I made a decision based on the advice of a friend, and I'm not pointing fingers, I made the decision, but you know, I basically lost it all, and you know, if things don't really turn around, I could be in some serious trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, he was a fat guy who by some miracle got married and then through the course of like an eight year YouTube run ruined his entire life. It's over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually, I was saying this before and no one liked it, but I was, I was saying like, that's why there's a gender pay gap, because it's like, what do you even want money for? This is for us to get pussy. Why do girls want in on money? We're trying to make it to give to you. What's the problem? And everybody hated it. They thought I like, they thought it was like a really true opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just every man they encounter in their entire lives. Like every, every male face that they see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have an aunt who's like a high level CEO girl boss. Really? Yea, she might be the most powerful person I know. Does she have a short haircut? No. Beautiful, like a traditionally beautiful woman. Yea. And I, she does like the, she's like Angelica's mom from Rugrats basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely like respect what she's all about, but I'm also like, why even bother? Uncle Tim's rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your husband's rich. Why do you even care about all this? Like, like, no, it's, it's in your face how fucking like successful she is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've tried to watch episode one of season two of Westworld multiple times and I go, this is impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just set up a new west world but without humans. It's just robots only. It's oops all robots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my interest is, is almost sexually peaked now. Thank you very much, man. You really turned me on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. That's where I saw that word. That's where I saw and heard that word a million times on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, that is the symposium. We need, we need, we need a worldwide, we need like a massive celebrity fundraiser for incels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Live aid for incels with like Sean Penn and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ruben Studdard holding hands with like a million other celebrities on stage just singing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a shame, dude, cause like part of being an incel is being way too cool for school. So like you're never, when they throw the life preserver to the incels, they're not even gonna take it. They're gonna be like, yeah, right. They're absolutely not getting on board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can live a, they won't assimilate dude, they're going to be like immigrants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do think a big chunk of incels do get like occasional pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if you got- Imagine if you fucked one time. Every...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three and a half years. Yeah. Imagine what that would do to your psyche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd have to go into like a mental hibernation where you'd just be like on autopilot, going to work every day, washing like the plate that you bring to eat lunch at your desk and just like, and then you get a sense of pussy and you kind of like wake up and come home, like the pilot in your brain's like, woah, woah, okay, we got something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The closest I've gotten to see that world was when, uh, a friend of ours, I won't name him, uh, had gotten onto, uh, Tinder for the first time. And he was like showing me the girls that he was looking at. And I was like, oh cool. And I was like, how often do you match with people? And he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not that often. And I go, oh, okay, well, like, so, does that, like, change, like, the girls that you'll swipe? And he goes, oh, I swipe everybody. And he just sat on his phone going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. And he, and yeaah. Dude, he would sit on his phone and he would just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was rocked to my core. He was like, yeah, the matches are so infrequent that I can do this and still, like, it's not, I don't get that many.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're at the DMV of reasons to get cancelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think it's any greater than any other place. I just think that like, we're kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're kind of like, take us away, dude. We want more content and advertisements. Get us. You think? Yea, I think we're lining up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's an example. So that cattle shoot has fucking whatever his name is that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the Jason Sudeikis show? Ted Lasso. Oh no, I think that you might be winning. Anyway, I think people are like, dude, as long as I get new Marvel TV shows, I'll never, I don't even have to look at my loved ones ever again. Pretty soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was all like ladies at parties and being like, oh my god, I love your hair. And they'd be like, uh, excuse me. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that was wrong, but it served its purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You either have to live as an incel, I'm not talking about a dry spell, you have to live with no hope of rescue. So yea, never lost hope, that's the thing, never lost hope. Or time served on message boards. Never.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you have to do is seriously stop watching fighting game tournaments, start maybe showering more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe take a look at that wardrobe, dude. Maybe see how it's fitting around your fucking medium pit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta do it via Demonious X. Do you know Demonious X? What's that? He might be like the, he might be like the goblin king of incels from way back. He was, he was like, yeah, bring up any Demonious X video. He just, he's deleted a lot of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The further back you can go, the better. All he would do is like, like talk about getting from fired from jobs and like how women are basically like evil and they only go for Chad's. This was before the phrase Chad was around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I, I, I can't, I, you have to see this man talking into a camera. He's so fat and vile. So is he Man-A-Sphere or is he MGTOW?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was kind of MGTOW. He might have made a video about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might have been on Tosh.0 at some point. I have no idea. But I was following this dude way, way, way back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's definitely like a fingerless gloves, you know, on very fat hands and like long leather jacket kind of guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you gotta see this dude rant about hating you. So that's one of my major... Yeah, that's him. Oh, nice. And he's wasted. He's drinking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sits in front of like an Ikea shelf with like a clear crystal skull on it. He's got a shaved head and a goatee and he drinks, he drinks like a cocktail and he talks like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, love em. Nap and do what? Provide for you. Yeah, uh, actually if someone could let me know, where's the lie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember I told you about this author before, uh, Borges, the Argentinian author of like really weird stories. Oh, I told you about the library of Babylon, the infinite library where everything that's ever happened is. Anyway, he had this story about a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like a, he's an academic, like reading something in an encyclopedia and he finds an entry that doesn't actually exist and he like, it's a secret fucking plan. Anyway, hold on, I'll come back to this. The setup for it is,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If done well, the fucking best. God damn it. Just read Borges. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I found it. Yeah, I found the story. I'm going to, I'll, I'll put a post on Patreon. I could probably find the entire short story to share with people, but the, it's called, uh, Tlan Ukbar Orbis Tertius, and it's about an encyclopedia entry that isn't supposed to exist. And it's about a country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as the guy is trying to figure out why he has this encyclopedia, he reveals like an organization that like created a fictional, it's the most bizarre story ever and it's worth getting fucked up and reading. However,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had another subject I wanted to bring up to you guys, if you don't mind a swing in the conversation. Is that okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, uh, my best friend, Fritz, the smartest guy I know, he said, uh, you have to see if the guys know about Boltzmann brains. Do you guys know anything about Boltzmann brains? Never heard of them. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me, let me hit you with what this is. I Googled this briefly and I said, okay, yeah, the guys will enjoy that. Um, the Boltzmann brain thought experiment suggests that it might be more likely for a single brain to spontaneously form in a void.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In parentheses, complete with a memory of having existed in our universe rather than for the entire universe to come about in the manner cosmologists think it actually did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Boltzmann brain thought experiment suggests it is more likely for a single brain to spontaneously form in a void.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rather than for the entire universe to come about in the manner cosmologists think it actually did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So our explanation for how the universe came about is less likely than just a human brain appearing in the infinite void with the memory of living


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not unlikely that we exist, it's unlikely that we, that any of the explanations are good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But are they talking about like someone had to decide what gravity setting the universe would have?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, it's like, the universe probably formed very gradually, like there was nothing and there was a little bit of something and a little bit of other stuff and it's like, starts interacting, it's like, it's, it's physical, it's time, it's like, that's, it's slowly over, you know, infinity. It all came together. Instead of just like, here we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, do you have any kind of routine or you just? Yeah, I just lay there and I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, I would love to, I'm trying to do a blissful sleep at night. It's funny you brought this up. Because you were surprised when I said I'm an every night television sleeper. And I, I'd never even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explored it. The thought. You know what I mean? So, I uhm, So I tried the last two or three nights. I went to bed and I turned my TV off. You went you against the universe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fight never even started. It turns out I have tinnitus or tinnitus or whatever it's called. What? I have a constant ringing in my ears if I'm not listening to something. You found that out? I found that out the other night and now I just lay in bed. I go, no fucking way, dude. It's serious. I'm going to be hearing this every time it's quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess I was drowning it out. I didn't even notice. What do you do for that? You get like earwax removed or something or like? No, I think it's like permanent damage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so mad. I was like, are you fucking, I was ready to get my life together and start going to bed like a grown up. And I hear, I have to hear a fucking super high pitched tone. Bullshit. Yea, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Swinging around, like there were armed security walking around the mall, not doing anything about like schizophrenics in the food court, just like two-stepping and shit. What the fuck? Totally bizarre stuff. But they still have the Japanese place where you can get double meat with your rice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that a real law or was that the rumor that people on dirt bikes doing like, nasty traffic shit in Philly, the cops weren't allowed to chase them, they had a no chase policy. Because they kept getting pancaked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, dude, I was down at the art museum after hours with a chainer and we were standing in that fountain across the street from it and there were three cops on dirt bikes and there was a headlight coming down the art museum steps and we thought that they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just having fun. Like, like when you see like tigers at the zoo, like playing with a ball in the water, we're like, oh cops are having fun, they're riding a dirt bike down the steps. So we went over to like, look, and we got close and we realized that it was three dirt bike cops just sitting there watching a guy on a mono wheel go down the steps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I mean, at night, it's just all those dudes. It's just all, all LED mono.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy on a bicycle with LEDs around the rims. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, they weren't... Why couldn't you have said that on the first episode?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scurvy causes general weakness, anemia, gum disease, and skin hemorrhages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I found original Coca Cola formula from 1955. Here we go. $1800.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, for like a bottle, like it's still in the bottle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a YouTube video where they claim that they made the 1886 Coca Cola recipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, because of the trade embargo with Nazi Germany, obviously they couldn't get Coca-Cola, so Vanta became their drink. That's why they all fled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I did this weird thing where I would curl up on the ground in a ball with my towel over me like a shell. Naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably because I was cold, usually. And I didn't want to be cold while I put clothes on to get warm. And I would just cower under a wet towel on the ground until that got cold. And then I'd be like forced to finally throw on some fuckin' Batman undies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never whipped my kids with a kitchen towel. I feel like I might have fucked up by not doing that. That might have been, that's something you gotta feel from your dad. You ever see someone cry from that? Yeah, everyone who's ever had it done to them. Yeah dude. That one didn't even hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are, these are forbidden martial arts. Why don't you learn this, you just, you, you abuse it instantly. Yea. Yea dude, that's fucking... Ha, didn't that one, I didn't even feel that, it's in the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one of the worst places to get tattooed I've heard. That's what you did to her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go again. No, I'm kidding. It's the worst. These are all just kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there was always a different rule that just like maximized the bigger kids winging it at smaller kids. It was like, oh, actually I caught it with one hand so I can peg any of you now. I get free pegs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think any of those dudes ever, like, just never grew out of lying all the time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, those dudes grow up to be a guy that you work with who like, shows you pictures of a car that he doesn't actually have but he pretends it's his all the time. He's like, uh yea check it out yea I was just getting it washed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those guys, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those guys are, that's, yeah, pretty nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you had to guess, Matt, which one would you say Sydney is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I have no idea. Probably the coolest one, whatever, coolest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just by whichever one is the coolest, I'm probably somewhere near the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sid, have you ever talked about what it was like for you when the movie Blade came out? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Long trench coat. Oof. Well, that's tough. I mean. Uzi shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about daredevil when they had black kingpin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They dress like American gladiators basically. Or Rob Van Dam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They went back because the Australian workforce was sexually exhausted by it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, there was a Twitch streamer that had a billboard in Philly down by the stadiums. Really? It was like, you know, whatever, zero, cool or whatever. And it was a dude in basically like an e-sports jersey, which looks kind of like a bowling shirt, just like standing there. And it was like, Philadelphia's professional gamer. Yeah. He had a, he put up a Twitch billboard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you peeped him out? Is he nice? No, I never looked him up. I didn't even want to put him on my radar. I didn't want to, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want to give him a platform. Cause I would look at him and I'd go, I don't want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then kind of just sour me on the whole thing like, oh that's what people really like. Well my thing is- I guess I'm a fucking idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to put a Stoner Dads thumbnail on a billboard. For $3500. I'll save that up. Yeaah. That would be pretty sick. I'll save that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or what about on like the Walt Whitman bridge where it's just like, come see, you know, a friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I tell you how pleased I was that people liked how much armored core talk there was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, so whatever, they lock you in for so many months until it adds up to 20 grand, I guarantee it pays for itself before the end of the agreement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guarantee it. Yea, I think so too. We'll put a Patreon ad up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to spend every day. We have to turn this into a profit driven enterprise. That's what I'm saying. You know, I'm actually not going to say anything that doesn't get us closer to making more money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I would think that's not. You wouldn't give that, he did his thing, you know? Yeah, he did it big, or if he did it big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The more retarded podcast that you make her watch, like the harder she's getting dicked down by someone else. For sure. Keep it, keep him out of this business, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm goofing around saying that girls hate this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Oh fuck dude. You're leaving, you're leaving YouTube comments like, I don't know why these guys are laughing so much. You're always getting whitewashed in a pillow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ideally, like, ideally you plunge a sword into the guy's back in complete darkness. You're lit only by like, brief lightning flashes. She sees the whole thing in like, strobe motion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a specific type of horny that women are all capable of is castle horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you cemented your place in the Mortal Kombat totem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what, don't you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you think they would want to suppress the testosterone levels? No, they're getting them all up. They're, they're- Why? Cause everyone's, everyone's just dipping I guess? I don't know. If they are actually dipping it would be good to increase them, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there was someone controlling everything, you'd think that they would want to prevent that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now everyone's walking around like the buff dog meme. Yea, but you get em addicted to the juice. You got em, they gave em, they rolled out CrossFit and then they, guess what, there we go, guess what, what if you got a prescription for CrossFit? BAM. Testosterone levels through the roof. You're doing snatches with jacked ladies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Alright. That's right, a paragraph.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, people truly enjoyed the uhm, the presentation on soda, the history of soda last week. People were pumped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Vice called him in the headline for the article that I found, they called him a ketamine addict. Or no, a drug addict. A drug addict. Really? Yea. It was like how, how a ketamine, how a drug addict helped, you know, you know, inspire Echo the Dolphin or whatever. Dang. And they're, they're pretty...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda cruel and dismissive of the man. And again, I didn't like it. It was total vice shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never, I've never been a winter vest guy. I always kinda, I always...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always wished I could have been. I was always envious of like the range of motion of your arms. But I was just like, but that feels like a winter wife beater. I don't think I can pull that off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's the fear of showing up somewhere and everyone goes, so suddenly you're a winter vest guy now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you a G.I. Joe ninja scarf? Kinda dude. She said it's a- That guy can go nasty with a hood too. Dude, it tucks in like a jacket. It's hold a sword backwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many dudes do you know are walking around with permanent injuries from sledding?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know of at least a couple of aches that I have are from hitting, hitting Juniatic golf course. Trying to jump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Dude, there was a tree stump at the bottom that you would aim for to try to catch air and a generation of spines were just compressed. Actually multiple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a creek running at the bottom of the 18th hole and everyone knew someone who went fully in splash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then like someone would like steal, uh, like the fake plastic snowboards from Kmart, and we would hit that, try to do a front flip at the bottom. Oh dude, those were so- Cranky dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lifelong handicaps generated by them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think a teacher rubbed my head one time. I think I might have had a headache in class and my teacher might have rubbed my temples for me. It's fucking the best. That might have been the most nurturing act I had received as a child. It was embryonic, dude. I was like, I like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you glimpsed the maternal ideal. Oh my god, it was mumbling. And your nervous system shut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it related to that thing where apparently like it, uh, it like short circuits your sleep cycle. So you bypass like light sleep and like, something cause the interim sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're describing the nicest setup in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think I might, I might just start doing an edible in a science gate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta be approaching like the, the altitude where we have access to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, sorry to hear that. Sorry, the da- the daemon. It is what it is. Is it you and your dreams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think there has to be a German word for when you're taking a piss and you have a split second where you think that you're asleep in your bed. You're pissing into a toilet and suddenly you go, oh no, I'm in bed, and then you come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, we're here, dude. What up? We're in the motherfucking Q&A. I'm starting rattling off questions to see. I mean, this is, who are your favorite Lord of the Rings characters?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I liked all of them. I liked all of them and also I deeply appreciate it. The other day I was taking a pee and I went, man, Elijah Wood was like really good as Frodo. I don't know if he gets enough credit, but that's all we'll say about that. That's all we'll say about that, yeaah. When was your first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When was your first fight? Which one of you would last the longest alone in the woods? How do we fix zoomer brain? I don't know what that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know how I would do that. I gotta, sorry, there was, towards the end of this, there was the really good ones. I shouldn't have went all the way to the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the woods? Yea. I've never camped before, you might beat me. Oh, sorry. Oh, I've camped. Alright. I mean, I could, I'm actually-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, it's just- Oh, it's a, it's a- It's just, if you get out, if you suffer from allergies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you take a time machine and just blow yourself with it, I would say that's gay. If you harness that technology. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, why would you have to go back, why would you travel backwards in time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea dude, I thought you were talking about like, just literally blowing himself, like, just a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you travel backwards in time one day and blow yourself, is that gay? Yes. Yeah, extremely gay. It's probably the gayest thing you could do. You also have to be way more concise in your questioning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You change the timeline once you go back to blow yourself. Yea, but you'd have, lips have to be on the bird, but you know she's at the doctor til like 5.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know she's going to be going to 5.30. So you have time to like really get into it. Like you could like massage yourself, give yourself a bath. You could fucking like do something, you know? You know what kind of dump you took that day? So it's like if you want to eat your own ass, it's on the table. You could really treat yourself here. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, he's leaving during the- nobody- your parents aren't assuming you're leaving the house in the afternoon plowing a lady. Yeaah. You can just be like, yo, first of all-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do I give him the arm to do the nasty fingers? What are the arm gonna do the nasty fingers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, getting your mom to pack your lunch for getting posted would be sick, dude. Make sure you eat the apple! Alright, I will. I will. What does that do for my- what's the fruit that like gets you hard? Figs? Figs are apparently good for your nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude, your mom just gives you fucking uhm. Take some passion fruit because women like it. Pineapple, big bag of pineapple. It's all pineapple. And what are the- I'm retarded that I can't think of what these things are called. The, uh, not clams. What are the things- Kiwis? No, the aphrodisiac seafood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oysters. You have four oysters. You get horny as hell. Dude, you have like a maca energy bar, four oysters. And you just go, just fuck the shit out of some lady who's like majoring in whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you- what ladies are open to have sex during the afternoon? These are like, clearly, these dudes- Guys, this is the most like, conf-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is mostly sophisticated brag, it's like alright, so you're fucking college ladies. In the middle of the fucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, dude, if you're a road raging, that's, that's like the number one, cause like that's, I was at the level where like I had kind of, I was a road rager. That's like, from a relationship standpoint, you don't have, your relationship with the entire world's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, the dudes, when there's a merge, there's guys who drive in the middle being like, I'll see when we're merging. It's like, that's a fucking other level of road rage. That's your relationship to the world is kind of fucked. Other than just flowing safely with traffic, you're doing some very, you're acting out some very weird stuff. I learned this about myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty recently. Yeah. And then the next level is like level like relationships with individuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would bet if you're an extreme road rager, your interpersonal, personal relationships might be a little bit taxed and tough. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you can't navigate a four way stop without expl- exploding. Yeah. There's p- other p- your loved ones. Go!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's a totally different thing. I thought you were talking about, pull up, you cut me off. Ooh, what do we got a red light on our hands? Pull up. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, road rage. I mean, road rage, yeah, I don't think it's legal to like scream Jew at somebody through your window. I don't think you're allowed to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you can't look at somebody. I guess if you can't say you, eye contact is illegal, you're driving like a fucking Jew!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean Chris Christie, it was really the Italians. Chris Christie did fucking do the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And make sure you have like enough, like fill up half a condom so you'll pass the line. I've done this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've, you've filled up half a condom with piss. I've, dude, I did a fucking, I filled up a condom with piss with the hand warmers, I like did tests, I pissed in a condom, I had multiple condoms I pissed into, had the hand warmers for a little bit to test like the temperature myself to make sure I wasn't going to come up like 110. Yeaah. Cause I take the temperature too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you read the back of a hand warmer and it goes up to like a hundred max. So you could claim fever if you had to. But dude, I tested it, I was coming right in at like 98, 99.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so you, you bring, you put the hand warmers, you keep it in, like, underneath where your dong is. Put the hand warmers on it. But I, my problem is, I had a, I didn't know how much you had to, like, I never got a drug test, so I didn't know how much pee you needed. So I told my friend, who was like, fuck, I'm gonna piss hot. I'm like, don't worry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll s- we'll meet me before work and we'll split this piss up. Cause I had the clean piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we met him before work, split the piss up, gave him a little bit, and I'm like, yo, here, I put it in hand warmers and everything, like, take your satchel, I'll take mine, let's go, let's get this money, dude. So we went in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I popped my piss, but neither of us came up to the fucking pass line, cause you gotta piss up to a certain point. It's a cup this big, and the pass line's like at the very bottom. So if you have to piss like five ounces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even five ounces, it's probably like three. And we both went in there with like an ounce and a half of piss each. And like both came out, and I had both had to go to the nurse and be like, Yeah man, I don't know, I fucking just peed before I left. And it was just dude, but she just went and sticked it. Good to go hon. I was like, thank you angel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they have a sick montage? Like over, like a little video for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's crazy that that cop Columbo'd y'all though. Like just like read a text message that was getting sent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you like hanging out, blacking out, or like by yourself in your house, blacking out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you can't think of your most epic loss are the funniest loss you can remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you gotta, you gotta play with, dude, we had this dude named Kevin that was like a frat dude on our campus. I always made sure if I was like, like I took out a chick for the night, I took her to one of his parties. He was just a fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, imagine how much of an amazing mom she felt like if you're like, you know, arguing with you back and forth for years, you go off and you go on a bender, your own drugs and shit, and then you come back home and she nurses you back to health with her motherly love. What do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime my mom goes on like, anti-psychotics or whatever and she starts getting clarity, she's like, nah, fuck this. Fuck this. I'm going back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom, my mom once told me when I was in college, and like, I was, like things were going well, and she out of nowhere called me just to start an argument, and she said, you might have those people at your white ass college thinking that you're smart, but I know you ain't nothing but a fucking bitch. Damn, like Mike Tyson's bomb. Like Mike Tyson's bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the most awful shit that a human, it's like, some, like one time, uh, I caught my mom in a lot, she was lying to me, and I was like, mom. So you're a tailspin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the crazy part is that they don't, you don't realize how fucked up shit is until you get somewhere and you meet people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, like, you would be going in to like make cereal in the morning and you couldn't not see adult women shitting in the bathroom. Wait, what? Yes. So the door would be open? The door would be wide open. Because it was e- like it vented better. Because it was like a really small bathroom and it had a window. So you would open the- I thought girls like shit in the sand and covered it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the craziest part. Here's the craziest shit. So we had like a closet with a bunch of toiletries. It wasn't in the bathroom. The bathroom was too small. Dude. That's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I probably told you this before. And they whittle like a little shank and they wet it and they put it in their ass to get their butt slippery. And so every now and again you would come downstairs and she would make me go grab her soap. The sliver. No, the whole bar. A whole new bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but when you also live with like three young boys that are not your son. Yeah, that's fucked up. You probably shouldn't be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like four or five years old, and he's in his underwear, like digging up, clearly digging up his ass. My grandma comes around the corner and sees it, and she goes, eww! Let me smell your finger!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Takes his hand, pulls his hand out of his ass, smelt, like, puts it up, like, on her upper-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Cause she, I guess the man fucking turned her down, like she was waiting. Yeaah. And she felt rejected and she couldn't be like, yeaah, sorry mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw one question that said, uh, how do you deal with, like, getting into your 40s and not being able to do the stuff you could do physically before? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, and the answer to that is, like, don't start trying to do shit until your 40s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never really see them pop off. They do a lot of talking about popping off. But they never actually pop off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what, yeah, what would happen if Ted came? Could you fuck Ted up or could Ted fuck you up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dude was staying, and his wife was, his ex-wife was living with her new man in a house he was paying for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was outside the house screaming at them about how he should still have a say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was like a weird, it was like you say, it was this weird fucking strange ground because like, yeah, if he's paying for shit, he should be the man of that house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, from the sound of the argument, I think the state was guaranteeing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the point that me and Ainsley left the conversation, cause I felt like we were so close we would have to get involved if it got physical. He said, he said, he said, I can come in as my fucking house, I'll come in there and drag you out of it and wipe that fucking smirk right off your face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the smart, like dude, like yeaah, I'm, I'm fucking your woman and I'm raising your, they're my kids now. I could kill them if I wanted to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I told Ansley, like, if something ever happens to us, no fucking step-dads. And if there is one, he has to fight me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wants puss. He wants to be able to dab. He wants puss. He loves puss. He's like, we both love puss. Why can't we both step out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, Ansley was describing it to me the other day because when women fight, they go for death. It's like death, death or nothing at all. Yep. Yeah, it's like, which is why they freak out when dudes argue a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like somebody's gonna die now. Like not knowing that dudes were just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, lions don't fight lions. Like, male lions don't fight male lions, like they have to. You know what I mean? It's like, but female lions will fuck each other up. At any moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you need to be hard for that 8 hours, Dirty by Christina Aguilera. Oh, let's get dirty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like we're wearing enough green screen now where it wouldn't really matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say the question one more time. Yeaah. He was like, have you ever had sex with a black girl? He's like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he probably said, how do I, how do I stack up size wise against like other guys you've been with? And she probably said, have you ever had sex with a black girl? And when he was like, no, she was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, she's giving you a hint. She wants you to go have sex with a black lady and then tell her about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She probably would probably, she's most likely looking to claim some sort of protected status. Like as the girlfriend of a man who has had sexual relations with POCs, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's so funny because I just read another question at the same time and said, what's Tim's opinion on Kingdom Hearts? And that's the worst game I've ever played. Oh, holy shit. Yeah, it sucks. Do you guys know what Kingdom Hearts is? No. No way, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone knows what Kingdom Hearts is. Yeah, it's like a uh, Kingdom Hearts. Yeah, you're a little boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With your sword as a big cartoon key and you're like a, it's like Disney graphics and everyone you meet is either from Final Fantasy or from the Disney movie universe. So like you hang out with the genie, you hang out with fucking Tarzan, you hang out with, you know, the fucking Dalmatians and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video game? Yeah. Like you go through each world. You go through Tarzan world. You know what I mean? You go through Toy Story world. Anyway, it's just like the story is incomprehensible. It's about like the shadows that exist in love or something like that. And you fight the shadows and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, like, at one point, you go to the Little Mermaid world, and you have to swim around as a mermaid, and it's the most boring whack shit ever. And it's kind of early in the game, and I've tried to play it three different times, and I get there and I go, NFM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd think it would be so insane that you'd just be like, I gotta see what happens next, but it's mostly just like extremely boring and frustrating. Sounds terrible, yeaah. It's the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely got a hold of the cerebral cortex of a certain type of Asperger's kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like if you write fan fiction on the internet, you're probably a big Kingdom Hearts. Okay. That's probably part of your formative experience. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We play a lot of Dr. Mario in my house. I hated Dr. Mario. Such a fun game. Yeah, we play it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you learned your lesson at least. I hope you learned whatever she was trying to teach you when she did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. That is a tough defense. Like yes, because I'm a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever break up a girl in a mature way and say, and say, this isn't working out. This isn't what I want. Or was it just like in the midst of a fight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ended it with a girl, uh, I'd been making the decision and justifying myself, and the day I worked with the courage to do it, she was in the emergency room, and she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. I don't want, don't put that fucking forever alone energy on me though, by the way. Keep that kind of shit to yourself, dude. Yeah. I don't want to hear that. Develop sick hobbies. Yeah, shut the fuck up, dude. You have infinite, you could watch all the speedrun videos you want to. I don't want to hear this fucking sad sack bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they as pissed as that? No, I think the little black girls probably went out and bought mermaid costumes and were they like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, this is- I honestly, this is the same as the, are people destined to be alone shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This didn't happen. You know, the backlash against the Black Little Mermaid did not exist. It was people backlashing a fake backlash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, of course. Yeah, dude, there's like, I saw an article today and it was like about the new, uh, Willow series on Disney+. You guys remember Willow? Mmhm. Mmhm. Kind of, yeah. So they did a revival of it on Disney+, and uh, I don't know if you guys want to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time for a Puerto Rican Willow. No, but I saw an article that was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a queer romance front and center in Willow, and the director says it was just organic how it came out. It's just like, why? Why does it feel like a PR push?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To just do that shit. Why, why the PR push?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I guess that's how werewolves reproduce. You don't want-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not very selective though. Vampires are pretty selective about who they bite sometimes. They are. Werewolves are, it's on site. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have to accept that a midget's getting bit. I think they turned into like a, like a pitbull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, cause if a midget werewolf bites you, you wouldn't expect to turn into a... pug. You'd say, I'm gonna stay a man-sized werewolf, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girls also do this thing when you tell them about stuff where you go like, Hey, there's going to be like a rail worker strike and she'll be like, Oh, what's that about? You're like, well, the government, uh, blocked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get the emotional brunt of any reaction a woman has to any news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think this guy's talking, maybe, I'm wrong, but I think he's talking about being an autistic anemone on the internet all day and just taking in a constant stream of new information and then going home to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your girlfriend or your mom or you know, whoever you live with and just being like, uh, yeah, they actually defrauded the charity and then took the money and ran and like just like unloading all the Twitter threads that you read and message board posts. It's tough to not just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Right now, dude, literally speaking, right now is the only moment that exists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah. Where do you guys each think we're at? That's the question. 20 minutes. I'm saying 35. No, no, I just thought that was the point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This already feels like eternity hanging out with us. I kind of thought we were having a good time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't you respond to that guy? If you're not going to look us in the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, as long as you cradle their neck and head when they're first born, you can do whatever you want. You're fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you take your shirt off in the delivery room though. Hell yeaah. Don't forget. Yeaah. Don't forget to take your shirt off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not quite a baby, like a toddler at the time. So he was sleeping in like a little baby bed. And it was, yeah, okay, so he was still in like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It had height defenses on it so he couldn't fall out or climb out. So there was a day he woke up and again, MJ had me covered and, but I was feeling better than I expected on these mushrooms. Actually I was feeling incredible and I wanted to be around my family. And so I said, I'll go get Fritz. And I looked down into his bed to pick him up and he has this, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying as long as I have something to do, I'm good. If I have to like, I'd prefer to have like a responsibility to attend to. Yeah. I might, you know, I might take my time on it a little bit, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to do nothing, man. I go, if I carve out time to do nothing and I go, okay, I can get a little bit stoned. Maybe I'll even lull into a nap. The second I sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's, you've directly engaged your subconscious. Your subconscious is like, yo dude, I'm getting fucking knocked around down here. Like I know that the repetitive tasks that you do every day are kind of on the ball and you've got them sorted out, but bro, down here, man, we want to know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, oh, my bad, sorry. Yeah, true. Please stop freaking out on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, like I had a cough last week and every time I coughed, a pain would shoot down my leg because my back was so fucked up. Ugh. I got super stoned, I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, most of you, okay, so most of your like soft tissue and back pain and stuff like that are just the muscles seizing because you're, uh, you're misloading your weight, you're walking, you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a fucking big wall in your back pocket. You carry a bag on one shoulder. You sit weird in the car. Eventually you start, uh, and also you're not like strength training and you're mostly living a sedentary lifestyle. Your back muscles start to just like ball up and seize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mary Jo said she lived infinite lives when she did her mushroom trip. Really? Yeah, she said she experienced every possible universe and died every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who does like his, his, uh, I don't know, his manner of writing change? Does his like voice change throughout the book?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't buy into people saying that like, you never come back, but you probably do get pretty annoying. You do probably become a tough hang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think so? Yeah, I mean everyone, everyone's a psychonaut now. True, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, we were doing mushrooms before everybody was doing them. True. And I was doing jujitsu in fucking 2005, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Man, I hope you're pulling up a free license beat. Is that what you're doing? Yeah. Okay, thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you're scraping that inside of your cranium for a topic right now. Not at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you know that, uh, Eskimos have like fat deposits in their hands so that they don't freeze in cold temperatures?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well in North America, it's registered that there's still at least 135,000 of them. That doesn't seem like that many though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, 135,000 between North America and Greenland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's still very few left in Siberia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have to have high speed internet by now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you can, you can find, uh, work on film.org.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I take one class, I can submit for like the awards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, nice. Uh, the last semester was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's project to project, but like to finish you have to do a full length.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a few you might be interested in. Extras for frat house comedy. Open cast and call for high school and college squash players. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seek an actor to play Peter Parker slash Spider-Man in fan film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, time for the Q and A. Time to get serious. Yeah. What do you, you have any good questions to stick out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my wife bugs me out doing a podcast all the time. I'm actually thinking about, I'm just like hiring bots to like rate and review it and be like, yeah, I'm just keeping it to myself. I told her like, I'm saving you from the internet dude, you have no idea how fucking evil some of these dudes out here. I was like, I can't have, I can't have the force of the internet unleashed upon you. So, maybe one day. We'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can crush a woman too. You can be so mean to a woman and it's like you don't know what you're subjecting yourself to mentally and just don't, just don't do it. Yeah, so. I'm the firewall dude against the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also, before like black reaction videos, the only thing those guys were watching was like, helicopter footage on the news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I don't know, I didn't see that part of which one that was, but dude, that's- I remember-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the positives and negatives of different races having mixed babies? I'm a lad with a white wife, so it's cool if I ask that question. Yea, I agree dude. Let the lad speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are the positives and negatives? Well, I'd say the negatives are like, I don't know, having to hear like other people's side of things the way they do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what does that have to do with uh, interracial kids? That's most of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. You weren't saying that people with, you weren't saying that like, me and Sid are mixed race dads who are going to be co-parenting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, and it could have been you too. You guys could have your thing. First of all, I say to either one of you, you could have had like an Asian... You could have, you could have been like, babe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take an asian wife. Shake hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you like tons of favors too? Oh man. Mmm. Yea, that's I think with a real insecurity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, how about this, I'm from a poor southern family and my now pregnant girlfriend's family is from the north and rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just far as gump out. Be undeniable. Just be gump. I mean, how to get them... I'm from a poor southern family and I pray my girlfriend's family is from the north and rich. They like me fine. How do I relate more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know dude, I think you'll, yeah, I think you'll- Show them who you are and make fun of who they are. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was improper of me to completely cream pie your daughter, sir, but we were there. It was a moonlit night, it was beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we go. Saw a vid of an old guy talking about how he didn't fuck with hope or any of that. But like this post, and I'm often hoping others have a good day or feel better, so on and so forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have any reservations about these little specifics and how you communicate? Example being phrasing, I hope you have a good day, as today is a good day. Be sure to notice it, or something corny like that. Words matter, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I wish I could get there where I start doing like, today is a good day to people. But I don't have it in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need some advice on how to close the deal with ladies while still being genuine. How do you make a move without being corny or seeming desperate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about it all the time. It's like, I love you. And every seven days or so, can't forbid I wait that long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He took the baby mama, he got bit by the snake, so he's got the antidote. He knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying he has a vicious baby mama, but like a really nice girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, well, it's funny, girls do that all the time. They bring guys around and be like, tell me what you think about them. But dudes never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's soliciting feedback. It's like, fucking... You don't bring it like, you think she's cool or not. From my experience, it's always been like, you just bring your babe out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Place your hand on your service weapon, but don't draw it. Or make plans with her, and then at the last minute be like, something came up, and just, uuuh, stand her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus, yea. Yea, that'd be fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, definitely don't set it up, but I think that is a seminal thing. If it does, if something does come up and you have to cancel, I think that's a, that's a good one. Or just being like, nah, I don't want to do that, and just gauging the reaction. Have you ever, I've never really dated a yes lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have dated yes ladies like very briefly, but it's like, I've only ever locked horns in my life. I've always lost interest in yes ladies. They're like, I don't know, whatever you want to do. I'm always like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's nice, but yea, I'm more of a horn locker myself. I'm more of a fucking like, well, we watched your thing last night, it's my turn to watch this. Back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, someone asked what happened to Double D.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Double D texted me the other day with my cousin being like, I'm joining the family, bro. And that was it. I was like, nice. What the hell? I think he just saw my cousin somewhere. I don't know. Wait, who's Double D? Double D. Danny Dobbs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went on legion of skanks, that was the guy who was on the legion of skanks intern contest. Like what's your favorite, what's your favorite podcast? And he was like Matt and Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then we had him on. He might be, he's a very funny dude. He went to jail for selling drugs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always tell people that's on you. For me, it's not for me. Cause I'm prone to bugging. And then I have to go like, I'm sitting there and like, luckily it's been like the ultimate test cause it's like, well look, I'm not gonna completely bug out, I'm just gonna not do this at all. But when you're having fighting a weed bug out and you're with your kids, I'm like, that's not fun. That's not fun stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't bug out much. Yeah, I fucking, I'll bug out. I'm prone to bugging out. And then you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what if I don't pay attention? Like, what if I'm not, like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set him up for life, dude. In this new digital landscape, he'll be able to move like fucking chameleons. Give him the cheat code. Yeah, dude. Give him the ultimate favor. They're gonna be able to go, uhm, actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell? I wanna see what's going on. But the girls are talking to me and I've been chilling platonically with some ladies, no nonsense. Just talking, my question is why do I feel like I'm doing something bad by talking and flirting with these chicks? I don't tell the baby mom about it, obviously. I'm not doing anything, but I do feel weird, am I? Okay, I see what you're putting down there, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're co-pairing, everything's going well. He's like, if I get some, he's like, I'm talking to some ladies. It's all platonic, but also kinda not from what I'm reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, although, yeah, it's like, does he really want to unleash that Mad Max waterfall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, I think you're just figuring out how to play the whole thing. I get it, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has your kids half the week. You're not trying to like rattle her cage too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna find out, they'll know, they'll fucking twitch. Yep. The moment he inserts, his wife's gonna go, fuck. Like a tennis player?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I would just ask her, I'd be like, dude, I think you gotta take this to the wife, bro. Take it to the wife and say, look. But then, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's what I'm kind of, uh, that's what I'm thinking. Like you bring this conversation up being like, look, let me just break it. I don't want to break her heart. She's like, oh, I'm actually, I've been X, Y, and you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say live your life. Like I said, you definitely live your life, but just go tell her, like, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so. I sure hope so. Now that we're separated, I can tell you this. I've wanted to fuck her the entire time. And now I can. What day do I have the kids again? I don't know. That uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's where it gets so weird, where it's like, we are separated, it's like, okay fine if we're separated, obviously, both do whatever you want. I don't know, I don't believe in that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's being addicted to makeup sex. You're a fool. That's being addicted to makeup sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was my older, I think one of my older brothers said it and I like went in for confirmation like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, I honestly, it was one of my brothers, it was kind of a swirl, I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, does anyone else find it weird that the gays still have their own neighborhoods?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, uhm, I, 22, have been in a four year relationship with a woman who I could see marrying, but the option of seeing what else is out there is tempting sometimes, especially when girls I was interested in the past now give me attention. I really could see a future.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but as you get older, the things that he probably thinks would never happen become easier and easier to obtain. That is true. So I'm going to tell him, guess what buddy, more of them are going to want to have sex. If even two of them do want to now, wait till you're like 27.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get to a certain age of doing that and see how like emotionally bankrupt it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sucks, but if you never, but if you never experienced the dark world of just being a total Peter Piper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know, this guy should just, uh, I mean, what I would do if I were him, he's 22.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to sell your wild oats, just have uhm, threesomes with the guy friends and your girlfriend. That way it's like you get the heavy wild and have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're getting there. Yea, I just stopped reading them. They were hurting my eyes. I apologize, guys. Let me see, let me see, let me see. We'll go on one more. Alright, blah blah blah, skipping that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is hilarious. I have a boy who texts me every few months from a new number. Is this a true sign that he has to get his shit together? Big time fuck up. What are some other red flags that people need to get their shit in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know what's fucked up? Yeah. Well dudes, we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's go. Yeah, Tomb's coming back. Bigger and better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, team's coming back. Which of the religions has the most closety gay people? Catholic. Yeah, maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her dad at one point was a cop, at this point he was trying to be a Disney character. He had retired from the cop force and was trying to get hired by Disney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big theory is, she used to say that, uh, her daughter's being babysitted by Zanny the nanny. So they're saying that she would give her daughter, and that she went too far one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Killing your children. You were talking about the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so colorblindness is a spectrum, and there are people that can only see black, white, and shades of gray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Even uh, when we seahawk into Delaware, there's certain points where it's probably 20 feet deep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whaaat? Would you be friendly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's rip. Oh, we're ripping? Hell yea, we're ripping. Let it ride. Let it roll. Dude, let's just take a second to acknowledge everyone in the absolute inner sanctum. That is the Patreon. Don't you feel better than all those idiots on the periphery on the free episodes? You have no idea, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Advice on a project I'm thinking of doing, which is, I think it's a good idea, it might be a complete waste of time, but I think I'm going to start...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, something like that, but doesn't, isn't that linked to something? Isn't he trying to sell like a business kind of thing? As far as I know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. I want to start taking like weird videos and just putting them on YouTube ads and forcing people to watch like bizarro stuff with no agenda other than just to make people watch it. I think that would be funny. It's a great marketing ploy. Right? I mean it kind of is. It's a great ploy. But it would create, it would create, it definitely would create a mystery, but there would be genuinely like no link to anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just, I think I would just- What about like, what about fake businesses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could do fake businesses or I could just check in. I'm thinking more so I'm thinking about just checking in. It's been like, what's up? And it's like hitting them with just like ten seconds of something I'm thinking might be good for them to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just rip, and then we'll- I don't know. Dude, yeaah, I gotta- Don't worry, nah, I mean I wanna do it right now, but I wanna figure it out. I wanna figure it out and start putting up, just like having dudes sitting there waiting for the next video and it's like psst, psst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or some of them will be silent. I would just be sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think it's gonna be a good idea and it'll be fun. But it might be a massive waste of time. But still fun. Still fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, man. That is true. Yeah, welcome to podcasting, man. I hate the idea of a waste of time. Yeah, that's bullshit. It's not a waste of time. It's a use of time. Yeah, exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fun to think about girls in girl world, just right now. Like, what are they thinking about right now? I guarantee if you like, tapped in right now, you go BAH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I sure hope they figure that out though, man. Not me. You wanted the war to go on forever? Yeah, cause it's like- Probably good for business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's too much. Is anyone else fighting? There's gotta be some more wars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, I wonder man, cause it is, it's nice to have a nuclear threat hanging over us again. We didn't have that before. We need it. Yea, we have a nice, yea. We absolutely need it. Yea, we don't have it, we have a nuclear threat, now it's like, it's good for the news, they get a lot of money for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Middle East. They literally tagged them in. Like they went and fought them. The Soviet Union fought the Middle East and they're like, your turn, guys. Yeaah. Yeaah. Rambo 3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these middle east guys done? Have they bombed anything lately? I haven't heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, imagine waking up in the morning, putting on an Alter Server costume and carrying an AK-47.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's kinda nice though, man. I mean, it's a whole different set of rules you live under. It's just completely normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's so weird how a pool is such a ruffian's game, but then it's like these guys are like, it's such like a ruffian sport, but then it's just like, anyone who plays is like a distinguished, like, British gentleman, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's so weird. I-I can't, I just can't play very well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spud was explaining to me that he does, that he'll like, you don't want to show someone how good you are. I was like, why? Why don't you just be the best you can be? And he's like, no, no, no, you want to like, feel them out. And I'm like, this is fucking nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have any fallings out or like, beefs did you have in Texas? Well, that's where all his exes live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. I'm gonna carry like a pellet gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't shoot you. What makes a face shootable? I wouldn't waste a bullet on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've come to the grips with the fact that it's fake food. And there's also with, with like crunchy snacks, I read this recently, there's a thing where like, it's some sort of like addictive principle, like when you put a crunchy thing, when you like, when you eat a crunchy thing, and it like all of a sudden like it turns to nothing instantly, it triggers something in your brain where it's like more, more, more, it's this weird response you're giving yourself. It's very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they go get another one. And they say also like 50-50 fat-carbohydrate combination is like rarely, uh, it doesn't really exist in nature. So it tricks you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've nogged. I've gotten episodes with nog before. I've had this for a while, I didn't know what it was. Dude, I think it's Zyrtec, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zyrtec, apparently Zyrtec said you were right. How often are you taking Zyrtec? I was taking it in the summertime with like allergies, I would take it almost every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I thought maybe I'd like take it for three days and stop. That's so scary. I was thinking a lot, but yea, they say a lot of allergy medicine, they're finding out, uh, not all of them, but a couple of them lower seizure thresholds. So people, they're saying there's a late onset, um, epilepsy due to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've got long-haul stuffy nose. I could, I'm just going to go with stuffy. But dude, I'm telling you, I stopped having them. Once I figured out what they were, I went, okay, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is where you settle down roots. Okay. You look like a guy trying to get off heroin. You moved to Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God dang it, man. What else is going on with everybody?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing these days? You're single and ready to mingle. What's that like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to hear about that when they just slowly, the facade falls apart and you're like, oh my god, you're fucking nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting piledrived by- I- I wouldn't be a terrible way to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know when you see someone's head upside down and they look all crazy like a Mr. Potato head? Mmm, yeaah. It's always cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad that guy didn't murder you in the parking lot of a Texas. Yea, I feel pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. How much money were you making? Probably like forty, fifty dollars a night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Well god damn it man. I can't think of another fu- I'VE HAD ENOUGH


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What could I, what is one thing I could do to piss a racist guy? It's like pointy sideburns for sure. That drives me nuts. Saggy pants, pointy sideburns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how many people do you think are left in America that still burn with like vintage racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, true. Is that you compromising? True, true. It's the divided self.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was always the job I always wanted, probation officer. Really? Wasn't it fun at all, or was it kind of like boring and sad? It's not fun, it's uh, well you get paid shit and you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard that if your levels are not detectable, it's like... Non-transferable or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] TombChamp, TombChamp. Are you sure that wasn't just 30 minutes of podcast? No, do that now. I got my eye on the dub. Holy shit. Yikes. Eye on the dubs. I can't believe it. A banner episode. Unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, now. Alright. This, this, I, I randomly stumbled upon horse chiropractors. And you have, you just have to experience this. Show them, Tanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeah, imagine having the sexual capacity for, uh, just horse pheromones. Oh my god. That's like guys have a really good sense of direction. Women have a heightened sense of horse sexuality. Both, I guess, could be useful in some situations. I'm not saying one's better than the other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not to me, I thought that was all overly sensual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if my doctor treated me that way, I'd say you better back off, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, uh, do you think there are people that actually go to those dentists that are in like the first floor of a duplex with bars on the windows and shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. The butt. My, dude, my dad waited until he was like 60 something. For the butt, for the finger? Yeah, and then we ruthlessly called him gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, some people are actually about it. He was, fully. He was fully about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think anyone's, I mean, he's got a pretty serious resume though, at least, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just a billionaire who was thrill seeking by paying dudes to fucking poison the entire city and then he would like break an arm or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an Elseworlds comic. That's Marvel DC, that's like a spring special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them had to win it. Like they both had to, they needed the same outcome but one of them needed to claim the victory. It was a totally, I mean this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is absolute, I mean, the meta. It truly is the meta. I mean, what a joy to watch two greats go at it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow, what a pleasure to watch two greats engage in possibly the most complicated game of horseshit of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know what would have been nice as hell is to be at like an Ivy League school in like the 1800s and watch two dudes just do absolute mind battle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean that is essentially wizard battle. Like you're just doing spells at each other. True. While the crowd goes wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, did you tell anyone that we were mistaken for professors briefly at Yale? No, but I'm pretty pumped on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, dude. A fellow professor went, are you guys also teaching?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've watched good professors go down a bad path chasing tenure, you know? I knew early on that that wasn't gonna be. And he's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was what I was operating on. True, yeaah. I think he saw perfectly and he was like, this is, these are professors, Emiratis or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mhm. He taught, uh, religion and politics in Southeast Asia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the opposite of political. Which one? Fouch? Yeah, you're talking about the meta, dude. You despise meta. True, true, true. It's, it's running a, a, a fucked up game. We've been fully encased in it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's on the treadmill in the puffy coat though the whole time. Sweatin' it out. True. No, I- Why the fuck was he at LA? That's dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, your security like sets you up for this kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they, they make, they tip people off and shit for money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't trust anybody. He's got one of the coolest lives in the world. Yeah, he's a man of like great repute. Not repute. He's infamous for sure. And every day is like an adventure. Every day is like a fucking cowboy movie for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think he's probably trying to get sent back to prison to be with a lover that he made. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His trainer said like, you're being gay with your family. You need to push.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, detect when you're kind of backed up and you need to bust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was live action genie in Aladdin. Dude. That was dark. Did you watch that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He already, I mean they've already put out pretty viral videos of him filming like a motorcy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was like, that's the coolest thing, like watching that on entertainment tonight. Hell yeaah. Like after dinner, I was like, dude, someday they're gonna be like, Tim bodily's doing his own stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, I guess I got to do it. I concussed myself diving into a flaming tree house in Delco proper. Sus. You re- you realize your dreams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then I put the space helmet on, and I get it, and I go, brother, thanks for everything. And Pierre's like, au revoir, too, or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I, that's what I've been looking for my entire life. Yeaah dude, you've ramped the motorcycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. I know. There's a full hour long documentary about filming the five second sequence and at the end it's just like cheering, champagne, we got the shot!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also already dead by the time it comes out. This is all posthumous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like from an accident or from just taking it to the limit? Taking it to the limit. I guess that is an accident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe a slightly stepped down version of all the yummy food. That's fine. No, no, they're all, I think they're all going to the same buffet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met one of those dudes, he was a mono wheel guy. Why did you look at me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, the town thinks they're all fucking retarded losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we should listen to the sound guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, I mean, where, where would you, what, what, what the locale for iconic movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're inventing Westworld for girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, you're, what you're really looking for is something to self-soothe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was perfect. No, troubleshooting might be mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have one yet? I don't know, cause I don't think I- I mean this obviously, this is gonna require more pondering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of awesome. He said he came back online and it was like, first level was like, oh, this is being alive. And then everything was in a neat, orderly fashion from there. And I was like, ooh, I could use that. I could comb my psyche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. You gotta chew off your brain stem and just detach fully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why me and them are cool. We got no issue with each other, but I'm saying like, I've seen, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She probably went on an insane suck campaign and just everyone she got to became the son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well then, well we can game. It's 11.30am. Oh, try. Oh yeaah. We have like 45 minutes before I gotta get picked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always have like a weird ethical dilemma if I do have to pee when I'm going to poop about whether or not I'm going to pee sitting down or pee before I sit down to poop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you also should have some understanding of what you're being tempted to, man. Like, from a per- like, there's never- I- I can- I cheat on everybody I've ever been with. I've never didn't cheat. And it's a- it's a dark path. It's not as like- it's fun for a little bit, but then it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you have, there's no way to be a cheater and not be a liar at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be sick to be able to let your boys fill what it's like when you eat box. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where would we both be though, that's the question. Yea, but that's the thing, who's, somebody, like there's a headset involved, right? For sure. Yea. It's gotta be. Yea, so, I mean. This was that Black Mirror video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what if they were traumatized though? What if it was like, I'm afraid to even order Uber Eats anymore because of what might happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm pretty open to whatever, whatever sounds, whatever, I don't care what version of anything it is, if it sounds good and it can make me move, I'ma fuck with it. Yea, it is what you've been fucking with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've recently started allowing, uh, the failures of my haters to give me a little boost.