[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2022. I hate when I go home and everybody around me is a fucking dumbass Republican.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whenever I go home and I'm like, oh my god, I just roll my eyes dude. Cause I'm, you know me, I'm nice. Yeah dude. So like if my dad starts with his shit, I'm just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I grit my teeth and I get through the holidays listening to fucking ignorant trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time we start discussing whether or not it's acceptable to go home and even hang out with your parents if they're gonna spout bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. I would literally still go home if my dad was a Nazi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be like, yo, my dad's wild. If late in his life, Phil decides like, it's time to bring back the Reich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll shoot the question. I'm gonna be so fucking sad when Phil does. Oh man. I might quit comedy when Phil does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say there's nothing funny anymore. You have to pick up the team. It fills the laughter in my life. Yea, you have to pick up the team dude. Yea, I'll have to go coach girls high school basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you let your dad be a Nazi or a women's, not a pederast, what the fuck dude? Did you just call my dad a pedophile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, for real, obviously the answer is you want your dad to be a nazi. Over a pedophile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you'll assume you're the heir to that empire. True. True that, you have to rise. You could wait them out. In fact, you could even start slowly poisoning them with arsenic. Nah, I would never do that. Just put a little bit of poison in their food every day. Nah, I love my food. See, you guys must have Omnicroms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course they were. Did you hear that Louis bit? About boy scouts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not always gonna be so sweet. Maybe someday, maybe someday it won't be as sweet. Maybe someday me and Matt will realize we should try to make money before it's too late. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would sell Hondas at Bobby Ray Hall Honda in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. That would be nasty dude. And then on Saturdays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fridays and Saturdays I would go to Williams Grove racetrack and get fucked up and look at cars. And then I would sell cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. And then, that would be a good life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd work my best so that I could be one of the few salesmen that gets off on Saturday, which is a rare treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'd say, look, I'll come back here and be the top salesman, but I'm not working Saturdays. Yup. And they'd say, how the hell are you going to be the top salesman without working Saturdays? That's our best sales day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing Carelines on Broadway the 6th, 7th and 8th this weekend. Uhm, but that could be sold out which would be a nice treat for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we should, and we always wait. Uh, 13th, 14th, and 15th of January, I'll be at the Tacoma Comedy Club in Tacoma, Washington. Please come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Improv then. Uhm, guys. Yea, come on out guys. Thank you for listening to our podcast and join us on the Patreon if you, if you choose. Yea, if you feel so inclined.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the one we're talking about is Mark Kerr. Mark Kerr, Smashing Machine. And Mark Coleman kinda had his head on a bit more straight, but he was also crazy. Yea Smashing Machine was like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was yeaah, I think he was Czech Special Forces before he ended. Yeaah, he was cool. Jesus Christ. He was on like a team that would bust open doors. One of the teams. He was on Czech team. And they were probably doing some real team stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They made the cake and no one was eating it. I would have been rude if I didn't eat the cake. Adam forced it on you. He did. But I was happy to have it cause me tummy gone hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hanging out, quiet, minding my own beeswax like I always do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're loyal, dude. You love your family. Yep, when they die, I don't know what I'll do either. Well, mainly because I live at their house. I guess I get the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is awesome dude. Although Matt, I will say this, I wish you did keep the bisexual lighting that Noah had on when we got here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We could have filmed Euphoria for Men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there can't be anything worse than admitting cheating to your wife with another dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Well, we were coming up here in the elevator. A dog really took a liking to John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very spooky. Very spooky. And I said, as soon as I got here to Matt, I was like, this looks like Gotham. He did. And then he's like, used to be insane at times, so I was like, Arkham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think maybe that's why the dog was going nuts? Cause he felt an apparition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where do you think he freaked out because he knew his owner was about to get whited by us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a cousin, uh, we used to hang out with her all the time when we were kids, and when her cat was in heat, she used to stick a pencil in its pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they should have done with the comic pizza kids. They just set a bunch of cats and dogs in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen, I've seen Ireland was pretty much remaking 101 Dalmatians. Every now and again there may come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Gardog, like you're deviously handsome though. I could picture you being able to get away with it for a little while. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think would be worse? Like if you had to go to like, fucking Epstein Cave in Antarctica or Epstein Island, where would you rather get molested?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like maybe they got like a, some people prefer a snowy retreat and some people prefer a little sun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think when like, dog fucking became a problem, somebody went to God and was like, yo, we should really add an eleventh commandment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you weren't playing when you posted that picture asking people if they dared you to go into the darkness. Yea dude, I was entering- There's legitimate darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does she look like a Bette Midler witch? Huh? Like a Bette Midler witch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have told her she had a tiny clit. What? You should have told her she had a tiny clit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally unbothered. Totally unbothered. It's like waiting for a kid to like unload with a tantrum. Like, he'll get over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, I actually use DraftKings to bet on Chris Benoit killing his entire family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know about more than sports. It's definitely like weird sports. Like I've bet on like fucking Polish soccer and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't know if you could bet on the, uh, yeah, I don't know if they have that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you right now, those 8 man bunk beds were creaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blizz, as a Ukrainian, can you give us any kind of inside info what might be happening next? True. Like something that nobody's gonna expect like fucking Puerto Rico coming off the top rope to help you guys or something. That'd be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're stinky. John actually just saw a pregnant lady smoking them recently. Oh god dude. You wanna talk about that? Should've called the cops on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, just uhm, check out Dad Me if you don't already. John and I mentioned that we do a podcast together called Little Stinkers. Uhm, it's about fucked up people. Mostly serial killers doing fucked up shit, but who also have to be very funny. And then we also just started a new podcast called Little Smokers about babies whose mom's smoking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. Oh wait, real quick. I just want to add some dates that Butterly, Colum, Terrell and I have. March 23rd will be at Helium Buffalo and April 12th will be at Helium Philly. So come check out one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, you know, very sorry about everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to my great-grandmother is a tragedy! It's the bloodiest rule!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thousands of images of wow wow pornography discovered by the geek squad. Welcome Hunter Biden. Aw man. You were doing crack at the places that I eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They hate, they hate that they were designed not to come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't, they can't. Like if they could come fast, nothing would get made. No people would get made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You become Jewish to get married. Do I? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what the fuck's up with you? Sluice. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like red in Shawshank Redemption.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The moment I learned Hunter Biden's name, I, he was associated with fucking kids. And crack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris, that's where I got off. I went through the Ukraine-Russia life cycle where I like, I started looking into it, got really mad, realized I didn't know enough about any of it, and stopped looking at it, and then the Biolabs thing came out and I was like, I'm going back to just watching crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only, that's literally where I just checked out. I saw some tweet that was like, they're launching birds or something into Russia. That was the plan. Send birds into Russia? Yea yea, like infected birds or something. And I was like, you know what? Whose tweet was that? I don't know. KidRoxxian. KidRoxxian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just like, you know what? I can't spend another minute looking at this. Yeah, I try not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I, so just like, if it happens, I will have played no role in creating it or stopping it. That's what you think, that's what you think. I'll just be, that'll just happen. There's no amount of me looking into Twitter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna help one side or the other settle whether we get nuked or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. It sounds like, well that goes the other way. They're like, you need the nukes, that's why everything's been so peaceful for so long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I mean, yeah I think it would be, it would just end. What's the play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. The thing is, they're all in subs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There is, there are like all the, I think there are the Ohio class submarines. Each one of them has like 24 like Trident II nuke nukes. And each one of those Tridents has like 20 warheads in it. And like half of those are duds. Like you can't stop them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll launch a warhead, that warhead will separate into like, tons of warheads. You don't know which one's real or not. You get, one of those subs would annihilate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching, I was listening to like- I was listening to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd get in there, but I'd get into a thing that would take a lot of training. They'd train me for 5 years before I could get into the fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I see a gambling commercial now, I know it's coming for me. Yeah, that works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever tell a story about you guys sleeping at that house? I think I did. I think I did when he was on his app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel me? That's my Gemini twin and all that. That's my uncle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I believe it represented some sort of invasion or something. Packs that they would wear, the military would wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It becomes like a literature, like a high school literature teacher. Yeaah. Just vibed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, the smooth jazz shit's fascinating. That blew my mind. That I, butterly, I thought you were onto something. Thinking to God, absolutely, Tiger Woods. Respectfully. That it was just Kenny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably one part of it. Then there's also, it was like the number one anthem of offices everywhere in the 90s. So it was like the only acceptable thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, that is kind of, now that I think about that, 90s were another hard PC period, so. It's like the safest thing is to turn on like, but then you realize it's like, oh, this guy's appropriating jazz. I hate when people take traditional music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe he thought, unless I just have dreams where I talk about stuff on the podcast and I don't, but I, yea dude, that was a song, it was an official song they would play in China. So his song got, I don't know, I don't know if a government has to buy it, but it was like, that was their closing time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy with his daughter, he was like, she was blasting, uh, Kenny G on a clarinet, and he was like, I've been training her a whole life for this, and she was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeah, I mean, that's, it's not hard. Yeah. You got a lot of the tree tops. You're in China, you got a lot of kids who are like ripping oboes and stuff perfectly. Yeah. They have an oboe and child surplus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my parents were like, if you get a job, like, you're basically done. Yeaah. If you can get a job, you're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just try to survive. I'll just like, you know, figure something out in the meantime. It's like $6,500 after taxes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is that stuff? You get the web, dude. I might have had Sector's web pop out of my chest, dude. That's all I'm calling up. I'm calling up Sector's web. Wait, what did it taste like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we also, by the way, we're like, suspended off of YouTube right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. I mean, it's not your fault. No one's even gonna see this, who cares? Yeah, we're gonna, this'll be on a separate channel, dude. Put it up on the Patreon. Put this on Getter. The what? Getter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wouldn't have to dude, someone's on our ass, someone fucking kicked us off, well, suspended us from a video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From like 2020. Someone's on our ass and fucking nitpicking us. So, we might ha- we might have to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Yeah dude, we got someone on our fucking case, dude, causing a problem. So, we'll see what happens. It's funny, they like, uh, Gardini was like, yeah, I think our YouTube channel's down for a week, and I was like, I'll get around to sorting that. I haven't done anything about it yet. You're grounded. Grounded, bro. Oh, we're up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They kind of, well it depends, for copyright they do have to show you like their email address.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might be because if you, the thing we read, if you disagree with the WHO, they can strike you down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's weird territory we're getting into. If you disagree with an institution, it's like, what if they're fucking wrong, bro? What if, what if they're wrong about one? I wanna trial by combat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] W-H-O. W-H-O. Name your champion. Did you ever hear about the doctor that would be sick? Did you ever hear about the doctor, I think his name was Semmelweis. He was the guy who discovered germs before Louie Pasteur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just read a book about people in Paris, so now I'm like totally French, but it was before Louis Pasteur did, uh, the germs. There was a guy, Semmelweis, who was, he was a doctor, and he was working in a, like, wherever you deliver babies, like a nursery ward or whatever the fuck it's called. Delivery ward? Delivery ward, there's the word, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25% of women were dying in these- he was in Austria. And this is pro- I guess in the- whenever before people knew about germs, like mid 1850s. Whenever- maybe it was earlier, I don't know. But, he was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How come at this one place, none of the ladies are dying? And all the other places, all the other bitch boxes, 25% are checking out. And they're all showing the same symptoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what they were doing in, like, you know, I guess this was like a general, like, medical center, cause the doctors were doing autopsies. So they would do autopsies, and then just be like, and then go, they would cut a dead body up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, he figured this out. It was autopsies and he said, look, after you do an autopsy, you gotta rub your hands with like lime and like some other thing, and there's some shit on dead bodies that we're putting into girls' vaginas and killing a quarter of the women who come into hospitals to deliver babies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so this theory came out. He, he demonstrated it. He was like, I have 1% of people dying as opposed to 25% and this is why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that said hands are clean or? The guy that said hands aren't clean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gentlemen, and we don't have dirty hands. These girls are dying because they're dumb. It has nothing to do with us chopping dead bodies up and then delivering babies. This was, dude, this game, this was like maybe late 1800s?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kind of the, that was the thing back then, if women would lose their mind, they'd be like, she's an immoral slut. Gotta be. Imagine how dirty your ass is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god dude. I mean it wasn't even like, you couldn't even comprehend. When did they come out with toilet paper? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look up early butt wiping technology. There was a, in Lebanon, they keep a pitcher above the toilet and you're supposed to like splash in your left hand and just like throw water in your ass like non-bedet. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's, that's what my, uh, the one, the guy who ran a place that fixed forklifts, he did not, forever, he didn't have toilet paper in the place he worked at. Everyone had to wipe their ass with a newspaper. He held it down like that forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She won't, she would never let us use soft toilet paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That still holds up. If you're getting pulled over, you can be like, I gotta shit. And I swear to God, I think 75% of cops will be like, get out of here, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get outta here, brother. You tell a cop you got a shit, they're just like 100% dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I've gone through a toll on accident when I was driving for Lyft and I was like, dude, I fucked up. And they were like, just come through. And I was like, thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucked up and made the wrong turn, I had to turn around, can I just come back through? And they're like, yea, you got it. But, they're also, they probably have no...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pity for people having to shit. Cause they're in a fucking, they're just stranded all day. They're probably like, yeah, he's got a shit or throw up. What was that like? I've had a shit and throw up all fucking day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna, yeah, it's not gonna last very much longer. I mean, that's, that's one you can say, you know. I don't remember the last time I saw a person in a tollboot. I see him every now and again. Parking, in the airport parking lot thing. The guy man is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the PPA gets a fucking piece of that airport parking too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before the PPA, I think, or maybe the PPA had their hand in it, but someone might have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do. I think slightly before that, or someone positioned in the PPA, one of my dad's boys' brothers got caught up in like a million dollar parking scam at the airport and went to jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you just make em up. I had like five different resumes. For any different industry, I'd be like, oh I have five years of experience in this industry, I have five, I just would make shit up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much, well, I did have the candy stand. I worked at a candy stand. That was, that was, I was honest as they came on the candy stand. But once the new owners came in, they were fucking assholes. So I go into, I would go into vengeance mode as an employee. As soon as I had a perceived slight, I'd be like, okay. And I would start stealing as much money from them as I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until I either got fired or usually I just quit. I was like, this sucks. I'll just quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even park the car. It was too much for me. I didn't know how to drive stick at the time either. So I would just go like, yo, go park over there. And like, they're just pomming me five. So I'm like, thanks. And then they would tip me and I just took all the money because it was just me. This is why I got slighted. It was supposed to be me and another person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude who got me the job didn't show up because, you know, he was just getting kinda fucked up at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, this sucks. I had like 400 bucks. I was like, I'm going home. I just left and I never had to come out and be like, I think these are my keys. They're just keys chilling on a board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had, it was just my boy. They were like, yo, call one of your friends to help you work. And I showed up, my boy's like, yo, I'm not coming. So your boy got fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, he was not long for this job anyway. He no called, no showed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he no call no, he knowing he was no call no showing was like, come with me. We'll do this job and split a couple hundred bucks. And he was like, yeah, I'm not coming. I was like, this is bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was the candy, the candy stand was a slow and steady just, I was zapping bro. That was like, I mean they were asking for that. The cash register was just a, no codes for anything. It was just like, you weigh the candy, you eye it up and you say, alright, that thing says eight dollars, let me type eight dollars in here. That was instantly like, that thing says eight, I'm typing two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mat tax. And I would just do that. I would stuff money in my shoe all day. And I'd work with other people and I would just like, you know, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was so, I was make, I was grounded at the time too because I got in trouble for, I got paid $200, no $300 to take the rap for alcohol for a senior. So I already had three hunch for taking a suspension. My parents are so fucking mad, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they at least respect the $300? No, they told me, they were like, you didn't get paid for this, did you? We would disown you. Cause I was like, I felt bad for the guy. And then in my head, I was like, I also made $300.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were like, if you, my dad, remember he was like, I know some guy who does this shit, who goes to jail for money, he's a fucking loser, dude. He's like, taking the rap is fucking loser shit, dude. I was like, fair enough, but I also have $300, dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had three huns, so when I was grounded for taking the fall, then I got a job at a candy stand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was at the candy stand, that's when I, you know, the lady who hired me, I was faithful as hell. And then they fired her and the two new guys came in and were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do we have a dude here? Cause they only hired like hot high school chicks. So a lady hired me and they were trying to fucking like edge me out. And I was like, alright boys we can play. You guys wanna play hardball? And dude I was like, I would take 50% of their sales every day. I'd leave, I was leaving there with like a couple hunch every day. I was killing, I was coming up off the candy game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was, uh, that was sick. And then I had, then I went to Brewster's and that Brewster's a little more complicated, but they showed me the free baby cone button. So you had to like hit the buttons and it rung up everything automatically. Like, what if you give someone a free baby cone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit free babycone, it zeros out the register. So if anything landed on a totally even number, I would go free babycone, the register would open, I would take the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold my fist and like act like I was messing with bills and put it in and if it was like someone got like a thing that was exactly 40 bucks, I'd go bingo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's because I got slighted. If they didn't slight me, I'd be as honest as could be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't respect me I'll steal from your business. I would steal to the point where I wanted the business to go out of business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I wanted to destroy them. Not just be like, oh, a couple bucks. I'm like, I'm gonna destroy this place. Because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even know why Brewsters, I just didn't like being there. I'm like, this, I can't believe they're doing this to me. This job is boring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, I might go to Wendy's and be like, let me get the chili. I know. I know how you guys make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they all, are they allowed? Yeah, I guess you could do that. You could store all the meats. Yeah. Trap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's pre-COVID, so I don't think you're allowed to do that now with the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd get us kicked off dude, if you're not down with fitted stuff dude. You gotta be down with fitted stuff. I love a tight fit dude. You know you test a good respirator fit? You go, if it collapses against your face, you got a good seal. And if I don't have that, I'm not going anywhere dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I do now is if I get someone who like spazzes on me about the mask in a store, I always, I get really polite and I go, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Typically what happens is if someone sees you without one, they take theirs and they adjust it. That's something I've noticed. They go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stuff's the real deal. Those guys love dying though. You do get asbestos, I've met like a handful of asbestos deniers that are like, bro, you're gonna get it, you're gonna get it. This is like back in the 90s, they'd be like, dude, it's not what they say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably were. We had a, in our grade school, the library was just wall to wall. I remember the one day, like, you guys can't go to the library, it's all asbestos. But, asbestos is fine as long as you don't break it up. As long as it's not, like, in the air. You could, if this was, if these were asbestos walls, fine. It's just the install and the demolition.


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[Assistant] Friable means yea, if it's, if it's like able to become airborne, you have friable asbestos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I've chipped up asbestos tile a bunch of times. Okay. Before they got like super like you need to hire like a strictly asbestos dudes with a fucking like plastic bug mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's a DIY job and you're doing it one time, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Just, you know, just get a cool dump guy and be like, Hey, I got something. You got a hot load.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, send, all you gotta do is, you gotta, next time the kids go away, you rent a tile chipper, you know, you just fucking, and then you take one. You do, it's a right of passage. You hold your breath. You're the man of the house, dude. You just take the spestos. And if, we said it's just part of the floor, I'll come do it with you. I wanna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the construction site, I was the biggest dust pussy you could imagine. I hate dust, dude. I hate it. Anytime dust kicked up, I'd be like, uh, can I get a mask? And he'd be like, dude, my uncles would wear them with no strap on the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in a place one time where it was asbestos, there's not just asbestos like tiles and floor, they have asbestos, uhm, like insulation on pipes too, that's the one that gets you. It looks like a cast and you just hit it and it's just, you know, the dust kicks up.


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[Assistant] But there was like these windows with like asbestos caulk.


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[Assistant] And I remember it was just like they were running machines in the building. We couldn't break the windows out because they were asbestos caulked. So it was just like the building was just blue with diesel smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's probably cheap to make and it was- I think some guy made it and was like, yeah, I definitely want to sell this stuff. Woah.


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[Assistant] It's probably, it's probably asbestos as in Forloka. Asbestos is the original Forloka. It's what gets you fucked up. I think asbestos is like the- I wanna start using it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I'm saying. True. Yeah. Yeah. Just collect it. That actually is a good one. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well dude, uh, the asbestos, the asbestos like particle looks like a fucking medieval weapons. What the hell is that? That's asbestos bro. That's a particle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look up a, uh, look up a asbestos particle. From what I understand, it could be bullshit, but someone told me the particle itself is shaped like a fucking, like a spiked weapon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Dude, I was a full on dust pussy at work the whole time with my dad, and there was a guy who claimed he was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a guy who told me as a man, you never apologize to anyone ever. Just hand them a piece of candy. Very George W. Bush. He's like, you just walk up and go, I used to work with this guy, I used to work with Sam Jr. He never apologized. He'd come up, he'd be wrong as hell. Hand me a piece of candy, that's how you knew.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that guy, he was dead serious like a man never apologizes. This is- that was a level of consciousness from like the s- we- we skyrocketed levels of consciousness from like the 60s to now.


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[Assistant] It was crushed. Ah, you got crushed? What do you get crushed by? A gigantic rock?


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[Assistant] Do you know if you're digging a trench and you're up to your waist and the trench collapses, you'll die?


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[Assistant] If you're up to your waist in dirt. I do look it up. I'm OSHA 30 certified bro.


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[Assistant] If you guys took dirt, you have no idea how much that weighs. If you're in like a four, four and a half foot trench, you get all of a sudden it's like having thousands of pounds on you and your heart explodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like the Black Alien Project, you should do the Geodude Project, just like, cut me dude. Just give me- What's the Black Alien Project? You ever heard of the Black Alien Project, bro? Nah. What the hell?


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[Assistant] Dude. The Black Alien Project, I heard about this on Rogan actually. I listened to the Rogan where he talks to more dates, more plates. They just talked about testosterone the whole time. Sick. So dude, it's my favorite shit to listen to that.


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[Assistant] No, I think I'm gonna wait until I'm like super old and then just go like aggressive with Royce.


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[Assistant] Black alien project dude, that guy's doing that to himself in real life. Oh cool.


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[Assistant] Body mod, he's cutting off his fucking fingers. He's taking the bones out of his hand. Dude, it's fucked up. A guy-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has claws. He got like plates put in his skull and he indented his skull and he looks like an alien now. It might be the most intricate blackface. He went all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just penile enlargement, that's it, that's all I can think of. It's a penile enlargement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I would go with one where you cut that muscle, that cursed fucking muscle that keeps most of your dick inside your body, and you just kinda slide it, you know, take a little bit out, pop the handkerchief out a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a tendon, there's a tendon that keeps your dick inside your body where, I mean isn't that a cruel fucking joke dude? I got all this dick up in me dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I would go, I would go as big as possible and I would, wouldn't care about functionality at all.


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[Assistant] So if I became a widower, that's the first move. I would spend as much money as that guy spent turning himself into a black alien to getting like the most grotesquely large penis that doesn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to get all the way out of your death. You have to siphon it out? Yea. Yikes, man. He's really got a dong down to his legs now? What'd he start with?


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[Assistant] God, I mean, we can't, yea, blur that out, but just show the length. Good God, I can look at this all day.


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[Assistant] I mean dude, would it be gay to start a sport called, jeez christ dude, as far as a sport called dick fighting, where like dudes, mexican guys who have stretched their dick down to their knees can just sit there and just fucking battle boss each other.


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[Assistant] I still love Pussy, obviously. But he won't get hard- you don't have to get hard at that point.


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[Assistant] I genuinely think he just has one of those fake corn dicks that squirts like a gallon of milk. Oh yea. I think this dude might have futanari dude.


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[Assistant] It's a, it's a porn genre where like women wear penises and pretend they're real. And then it's an anime thing where they just grow them, but they're animated. They're not, I don't think they're real. They're just animated cartoons. I don't think that really women in Japan can grow penises.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, you're, you're more, you were saying you're into kind of portly or stout women right now.


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[Assistant] What's the urge around them? Must be like a vampire on a neck, dude.


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[Assistant] I still stand by that, dude. Making love to just a large woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're prominent veins. You kinda get it, you get a little magic school bus action on the outside. But a big black lady? It's all mystery, dude.


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[Assistant] You don't see any of that shit. It's the important part. When you see chicks' veins, it's kind of like, ugh. Yeah. I mean, do you see like white chicks' boob veins? I'm always like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'd be awesome. If I could do it all again.


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[Assistant] To be fair, to be fair, I think there's a biological thing, if you went to like a country that was just like, you know, not doing that well, and they just, the point where they don't have beautiful fat women, and you drop them like a four hunch, the men would be like, I'm getting it.


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[Assistant] That was the funniest, I mean, actually it's a horrible human tragedy, but that one book I read about, I think it was Darfur, like the government, the government, I don't know why people, they think, the government says people made this up, but they would like come down and like blackhawks and just like shoot villages from the sky, and then like everyone's like, well fuck this, we'll go to Kenya then. Government's like, we didn't fucking shoot them. They're just walking, dude.


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[Assistant] They're just leaving and walking just because they're being dickheads.


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[Assistant] Like they were coming down and attacking, and I think, I think it was, yea it was Sudan. The government was sending like Arabian dudes like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go take those lands because we don't really fuck with those guys because they want independence. Like Arabian dudes would come and just like chop you up on horses. Then the government was sending like fucking helicopters attack you. And they like, they walked, all these dudes walked to Kenya being like, yeah, government attacked us. Government's like, no we didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about the very new ones when they hit them with the documents?


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[Assistant] He is absolutely god. So I think you're describing like that thing they got from DARPA where they're like turned down. This fucking document pisses me the fuck off. But yea, apparently they like linked it to like military funding. The military said like, nah bro, we're not doing that. That's GOF. Or something like that. That's the nature of it.


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[Assistant] I mean, dude, the fucking government can take files and go eh, eh, with black markers, like no one can read that shit. If you want to read it, you can read the parts that we did into. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like to- me too, obviously, dude. Any government institution, it's just if they say anything, my brain just goes, of course, yes.


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[Assistant] Ever since I had COVID, I was just kinda like, you know what rules? The fucking leader of Japan. The leader of China. Sorry, that was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not one of my better moments, dude. It's late. I should be sleeping. Japan just, uh, took down vaccine mandates, allegedly. That's what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's just keep this at an hour. That last two minutes, we don't need that. I was trying to say that I just all of a sudden was like totally alleged to like the president, the communist leader of China ever since I had COVID. I was just like, that jeep kapping is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a joke I was trying to make, but it's 9.22 and usually I'm sleeping. Uhm, alright, let's get in, let's slide in the fucking page, bro. We got, what uh, I got a couple things, so I gotta, I gotta talk a little, couple little things. What do you get, you guys got something to pop in here?


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[Assistant] Yeah, we just added The Late Show too, so. I think there's like 11 tickets left.


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[Assistant] Damn bro. Straight baller. Grinding. So yea, so Bananas, that's the big one dude, up in North Jersey. Bananas Comedy Club. It's gonna be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very big dude. And I think we'll have the links, we're gonna put the links in the, links in the show description down below. Alright, so Patreon. Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The big superstar, Sean Gadini, the Superman. Are you the Superman?


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[Assistant] That's a nice presentation. What's that, white shorts? Oh, you're talking about my bulge? Yes, your penis and testicles. You should see it, it's crazy dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your daughter will have memories her whole life of listening to your belly rumble.


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[Assistant] I think a little bit, but I think also his role was basically in keeping migrants. He was the stop gap for like European countries, Italy and Greece were like paying him off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To basically, to basically put in detention, like the central Africans trying to come in to, uh, and then he died and you know, they don't have a guy doing that no more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, he's a real charmer. The guy who had to watch him in jail wrote a whole article about just, you know, watching Saddam and just, you know, yeaah, just kidding. He was a real, he's a sweet talker, he'd ask, he'd find out about your family and remember their names, he loved cigars, he was like a, he was just a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was in the Netflix dog. It's like, that's like a tactic, like a very good business tactic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, it was the generation before, like, people in their 40s, 50s, really, yeah dude, really got scared about it, but I can't imagine they even tell kids anymore, cause it's like, it's pretty taken care of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that could be a kink. You couldn't get through the first party. What do you think? I think it would be a bit of a kink that you could be the guy who doesn't put out. I think they could actually like that. If you twist it the right way. You don't think it's a shame? I think party one someone's on your ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well this is why you have to go into the community. This is why you have to get in there because we don't know. But you couldn't have been fucking slammed your first night on a cover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're bold. You're from around here, are you? I'm buying you a high noon. And I'm not taking no for an answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But eventually it's, you become the life, the Donnie Brasco thing, or like those undercover guys who like join the neo-Nazi gangs and then like just kind of start getting into trafficking guns and like doing meth and stuff, like you'd get into it and you'd be like, so you'd call your wife at night, you're like, I gotta get out of this, I'm in too deep, but like you kinda love it. Yea, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even if you, he was your employer, you're an older guy you looked up to. An older guy I worked for. Paid your way.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like that might look worse with us. I feel like we- I feel like that doesn't look as- You and I are doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about mixing up the chemicals, dude. It's all about shaking that magic apple. Those guys fall probably all the time. Oh yeaah. The noises those dudes make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like stabbing. It's not even close, dude. No, dude. Yeah, there's no guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd think you had 60% boogers. It might have been boogers. And they just didn't pick up on it on the x-ray. It might have just been boogers. It might have been a ton of boogers. But dude. That's probably medically sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the nose is at a standstill so we can't be doing tape. So yea, we gotta get that air in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well actually you don't because you're going to have more of the dreams where someone is plowing my fucking girlfriend in front of me. I'm so sorry. I really feel bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry. Magnesium is known for, uh, if you take Adderall or Coke, it kind of, for the come downs. Really? I might have seen that on Reddit. If you were one of those guys. Yea, it did a little, yea, magnesium is known as a stimulant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, since I was like 15. Really? Yeaah, go up in Manhattan. Everybody. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did some bad acid when I was 15, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, at that time, that was the, the, uh, the thing, and a little, uh, Zoloft. It did help me, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of the house and shit. I- I probably, seeing as I'm fucking 33 now, I could probably get off of them but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen anyone else do what you do. Yea, yea, yea. You know, yea. I was about to out someone. He's like, you know who else is on that fucking shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I do understand what you were even saying with certain, like, pills and stuff. There's a lot of shame. I, I get it. Yeah, so, yeah, we're taking something every day. I don't think there's any shame. No, you meant with the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I forgot if we talked about it on the page, and I was just like, yeah, no, taking something every day does feel weird, cause yeah, you're literally... I've been taking a fucking ton of items now. Yeah, I think I have no problem doing those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm pretty, it's pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's try it. Maybe in the next couple days I won't take them and see what happens. Yeah, while you're staying with me? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you're not supposed to take fuckin' Adderall all day and then Benzos all night. Everyone takes fuckin' Xanax at night, fuckin' Adderall during the day. That's a crazy, like, combination for teenagers. It's so common in the big city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's really sweet. You're a sweet guy. A little belly lift. Shane, you gotta do that. You gotta sneak up on a lady in the park. I'm telling you, I'll get behind some women and start lifting up their stomachs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, I'm thinking about those, that TB Taco Bell right now. Dang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are gonna die, yeaah, on this run. Yeaah. No, I don't want that, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys. Look at you guys traveling all over the world. That'd be fun. It's beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty tight though. Show up and be like, nah. And then run away and be like, nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also apologized for cursing. Adams? In one of his things, he's like, I lament to admit that I sometimes cursed, which I feel shameful about.


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[Assistant] Those arguments must have been crazy. But yeah, that was big because that secured the southern port.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't they like share everything with their slaves though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did Mexico have back then? Was it like a king? Love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like the precursor to union, non-union. They just blow up the gigantic like flammable red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, it must have been crazy when you had a bunch of slaves. Like, this is wrong. You had to be like, nuh-uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the quiz. We took the quiz. How'd the cream make you feel? How'd this clown smell? I'll tell you what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what, I used to like Manscape. When I remember reading Manscape's ad and I was like, I love Manscape. This stuff sucks. I like Hawthorne, dude. Hey! I'm kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. Not at all, dude. I've been using the face wash, dude. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good. I would do the clone. Maybe we should put on a lot of their clone before we go to our others.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy, guys, just give me some rap about Lucy. Like, you know, you know the favorite flavors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you guys know the deal. If you're addicted to nicotine. That's a funny joke. If you're addicted to nicotine, go to Lucy. I know that doesn't work. Lucy's safe. It's the chemical. They isolate the chemical nicotine and make it taste yummy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, that's all we can do now is just enjoy ourselves guys. So guys, check out the full line of products at lucy.co and use the promo code drenched at checkout. That's lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code drenched. And if you're a listener from Canada, Lucy is now available at ca.co.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy.co Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical, but also, that's why you like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get Jason Statham down too. Get Statham down dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mummify your remains, dude. Place you in the fucking hallway of helium just as a mummy. Be tight. Dude, Bananas Comedy Club, that's the big one. That's the end. That's the absolute end of my just wicked run, dude. One show a month for four months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be fun. Dude, I've been having, me and Sid the Kid have been having a good time. Yeah. So we'll get the butterly man dude. It's going to be, it'll be a good show. Gardini will have the absolute SS himself. Super star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now, the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Dan Soder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I moved here to New York City following design school. My passion was for baking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they got in trouble. I met the guy, I met the old man once in an airport from Scare Tactic and he told me,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So concerned Mother Henny where I am consumed by everyone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just have to answer a few questions on a simple fast form and they will find you the best rates and coverage in your state. I have to do this pronto.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a hard hitting reporter though, huh? We have the same guts. Look at us. Nice. Hell yea, you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not venture. Do the big fight at the end.


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[Assistant] I don't know, what I'm not looking for is, uh, some big- A bunch of bitchin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did, she's the interior decorator, uh, decorator, she's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he's in their kitchen and he tells everyone to the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her, her closet alone, one pair of shoes, I think equals


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More, more than everything I own combined. She tells you how much it costs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really, it looks like a very expensive closet, Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, uh, well I know the answer. Her body is, uh, o-naturalic, so she did have breast implants at 18, uh, full C.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, people, uh, she said the nose, number, the number one question she's asked is, did she get breast, breast implants? And she said, yeah, at 18. She had full saline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, uh, I don't watch, uh, visual stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's complicated, man. It has to be something that happened that where I have to think I have a shot with a girl. Like I can't beat off to... Sierra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know- Don't watch porn ever? No, I've seen- I've watched porn, but I don't- I've seen it. No, I do not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You had never looked at the internet porn? Not until the show. Why? I didn't even... I just didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'll tell you the reason why. I thought, to me like a porn site, I was gonna get like flagged by the FBI. Jay defensitized it for like, decriminalized it in my mind. He made it like, oh this is not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that's really the reason, because in my head I thought they're all shady, but then you just from the show, I realized it's not that big a deal, and then I started going on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I don't know why this is... Yeah, I'm gonna tell you which one it is. Is it this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? No. Ever. No, I've never fucked on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, see that's out because I don't- because she's playing for the camera, I know it's fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of high school, and then Purdue offered the day before signing period, so I called them, declined, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Well, especially for the guys that show up, I guess they don't have it at Radio City anymore, but they show up for the actual draft itself. So I, I thought that there was a chance that I was going to be a first round pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was awesome. Came to New York and then spent a little bit of time, obviously training camp. I hurt my knee in Miami, but not too often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's incredible watching him, him play the game and he has the fans so coached up. You go to one of those, those games, he sits there and he,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, waves his hands down for the fans to shut up, and everybody's quiet. And then you're on the sideline on the other team, you're like, holy shit, did, did he really just quiet down the whole crowd? And then somebody in the crowd will hear you like, Shay, show some damn respect for Peyton! Shut up!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Middle linebacker. But you know what, you look at a lot of those quarterbacks when they first got in the league, they're like, ooh man, that guy came in pretty rough. And then as they get...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, no. When you text me about doing this and I was a little bit hesitant, my biggest hesitation was you asking me too many football questions and me having no damn clue what you're talking about.


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[Assistant] I would guess that everybody in this room right now watches a little bit more football than I do.


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[Assistant] It's disturbing. I can't believe I was actually introduced to somebody and they said,


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[Assistant] I went a few years ago, I went to a Rangers and, um, New Jersey Devils game, playoff game. One nothing.


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[Assistant] I'm actually a Lakers fan, and I was a Lakers fan well before LeBron made this jump. But, not that it's been real tough being a Lakers fan, you know. It's been alright. You like a Alonzo Ball fan?


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[Assistant] Thanks for having me guys. This time I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay conscious.


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[Assistant] That's all it is. It's just a discreet state of consciousness. Maybe that's when the pub comes back to life. I think so. Yeah. When you get to that higher plane and you're just getting in touch with like magical powers and the pubes like, I'm turning back the color. It's like, finally, this guy's onto something else. Yeah. Finally, it's


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[Assistant] So are you afraid that you're gonna, you're gonna like it too much as we come in issue?


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[Assistant] That's a thing. You get older and then you keep it inside. You keep the creep thoughts inside. Yeah. True. Yeah. Block them out. Unless you're on South Street, then you just yell at anything. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Well, here's the thing, I've thought about that before, like if I ever become famous one day, you know, and I have like money to be sued and taken away, it's like, am I just secretly going to film every fuck session I have just in case someone says I did something?


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[Assistant] It's the internet, for sure. I think you secretly have to get in back channels now because it's technically child porn.


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[Assistant] I could jerk off to a house project.


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[Assistant] It might be true. People used to say, I remember someone said like Procter and Gamble products, where uh, the KKK and Satan.


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[Assistant] So you like the fuck with boots on?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, what was it Tony Little? Tony Little? Yeaah. I think that's it. Shout out to Richie Redding.


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[Assistant] So they're saying you have to have something bad happen to you for the powers to manifest? That's the both accounts I've listened to you. We gotta go find all those girls R. Kelly pissed on and just start anew. That's probably why we finally took him down.


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[Assistant] I gotta go, I still laugh. Yes! Yes! Dude, I've learned that from other Africans, they all hate Nigerians. Yeah? Yep. Anybody from another country in Africa, they all unite against Nigerians. Really? They do not like Nigerians.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, the cockiest motherfuckers ever met in my life.


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[Assistant] A lot of sassy, a lot of sassy judges in there.


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[Assistant] I love the cocaine stories though, but like sometimes we call it testing hot. Yeah. Someone tests hot and be like, it was like a, it's like cocaine to your system. You show them the test. Like, man, somebody put that in my orange juice. Oh yeah. Dropping some cocaine orange juice.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. Nice Lemaire. Ugh. Yeah. Well you're half dead when you walk in there anyway. Yeah. It was pretty cool. That place doesn't have a soul.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna go with what the internet says over Lemaire's book.


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[Assistant] I think that the coolest Richard Pryor story I heard was when he was banging Pam Greer.


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[Assistant] Big, big, uh, white chicks fan. That did rule. I did like white chicks, yeaah.


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[Assistant] It worked. Everyone chilled out. Family Matters was just pumping out.


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[Assistant] You think Urkel jerks off if he's, if he can psychically watch Stephon Bangalore? That's a hard cut point.


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[Assistant] That was a big- That's gonna be the LaMare story. Well, I tried coke at the Raven Lounge. Next thing I know, six months later, I'm with the Mexican Cartel.


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[Assistant] Uh, I gotta be at the Punchline Philly August 17th-20th and I'll be at...


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[Assistant] Cap City, Texas, Austin, Labor Day weekend, the second through the fourth. That's if I don't get kicked off, we probably should talk about that later. You know, you'll, you'll, you'll love this story. Yeah. Rally North Carolina will be there September 30th through the first.


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[Assistant] It's kinda scary to see my man walk out shakin' and poking in.


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[Assistant] I took her back and made her deserve.


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[Assistant] He's not trying to get through life, he's trying to dominate, dude. He was hurting people. Fuck yeah. You like a guy that puts a hurt on someone?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Number 3, Hound. Like his attitude. I could have told you from the get go before we even had this conversation, if you were like, who is top 5 Shane's characters, I would have said Mountain. Cause I think you like a dead guy that comes back to dominate.


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[Assistant] So are you moving the hound and putting it in the mouth? Nah, I'm keeping- Man, Joffrey just looks like such a little bitch. Joffrey is the man. His little fucking cheekbones. Wow, you like him too, Jacob? I love them. Hell yeah.


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[Assistant] So your top 5 right now are Joffrey, Craster, Hound,


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[Assistant] By the way, we spun out in a Game of Thrones talk, but this is just such a, this is, you see shame for, you know, the bull that he is.


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[Assistant] Did they? Yeah, Hodor had a huge dong. I bet. He's got, he's got lower, uh, intelligence, so God had to give him the gift of a human skin hammer.


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[Assistant] Stop it. I will not let you talk like that when your love and my love, Jay, is not here. Speaking of Jay and the city of Philadelphia that Shane graced for so many years, big shout out to the 76ers beating the Raptors.


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[Assistant] In Toronto, this goes out to Big J on set of Blade 4. Killing all those stripper vampires.


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[Assistant] It was a good win. I was very happy about that. 1-0 in the series.


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[Assistant] I would jerk off a sleeping homeless man to have a music video.


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[Assistant] I want to see this music video because a sports team making a music video besides the Super Bowl shuffle. I can assure it was Bass Freak.


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[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, Notre Dame's easy to hate. Yeaah, I get it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's great. Still, I mean, holds up, holds up.


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[Assistant] Something about Mary Holds Up. We were having an interesting conversation last night at the Comedy Cellar that I thought was a good question of what movie, Gary Goldman asked me, what movie would


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[Assistant] You show your son or daughter if you had a kid and you showed him a movie at ten years old and they didn't laugh, you'd be disappointed.


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[Assistant] If you showed them a movie. At 10? Yea, like if I showed them Dumb and Dumber at 10 years old and they were like, or like 11 and they were like, nah. You just kind of be like


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[Assistant] That's what I thought, pre- I had 12 or pre-10. Pre-10 Ace Ventura, a lot of slap fiction. Schindler's List. Yes. Yeah, I was gonna do Winter Bones. I wanted to do something.


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[Assistant] I was gonna go, who took Johnny? The Netflix documentary. Just let them know it's possible. If you're out there mowing the lawn, you might get swiped and I might see you 19 years later on my front door for a brief hello.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but then I remember, I used to be like back to school. I don't know if that would hold up for a 10 year old now.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? There's like a lot of shit that I feel like I would show them. Like Robin Hood men in tights. Probably.


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[Assistant] Of course it would. I wanna see this douchebag video for Notre Dame. I'm thirsty!


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[Assistant] That might have been the most heartwarming story ever. Is this a dude faking his girlfriend? Is this it?


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[Assistant] We'll tweet it out at bonfiresxm. What the fuck? It's 2012?


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[Assistant] Also, they're cheerleaders rough. Yea dude, it's no name. I know, you gotta get- They're smart.


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[Assistant] But Dick Clark had to have like charming energy, so he's like, hey buddy, welcome back. And you're like, please stop this. Whoever's holding him up, please put him down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's rough, man. It's, it's one of those things where that's where you see how evil fucking networks are. Where they're like, is dick ready to go? And they're like, uh, we think he's breathing. We think he's like, I want you to prop him up.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's the album cover? Ugh. Freak bass. It's horrifically shitty. I agree with you, Jacob. I completely agree with you. Uhm, wait, bring that up.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't want to see Freakbase any more than I have to. Look at that.


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[Assistant] He just plays the bass too? Ugh. It's like a not cool Les Claypool. Okay, so look I'm Dick Clark and- Are you horrified? I'm mad at this.


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[Assistant] We are Notre Dame, Dame. I bet he has a kid that's over 20. That's like, that's my fucking dad.


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[Assistant] Dude, if my dad was Freakbase and he died, that'd be a, that'd be a large torch to carry.


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[Assistant] We are Notre Dame, Dame, we- I mean I like the- I like the Nugget song better.


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[Assistant] Nugget song is significantly better. And then the Sixers song is the best. The Sixers song is a genuinely good song. I don't think it's genuinely a good song. What? Those lyrics? I think it's a- One, two, three, four, five, Sixers.


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[Assistant] I'm still looking at freak base and it's making me more and more angry. He looks like fell dog. It's like fell dog look.


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[Assistant] What's that? It definitely touches the youth. Yeah, it's like, it's felled dog.


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[Assistant] With Jay? Yeah, yeah. We'll reveal it with Jay. Sorry, Shane. What was that? You just got stepped added. I don't give a fuck, dude. You and Jacob are going through something. Oh man. Did you just show me stroke? Oh fuck.


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[Assistant] Christine, Christine, how did you go right to this weird stroke kiss? It's 2012.


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[Assistant] Oh. You wanna see some hot, hot gilf action? I'm only looking for old sniz now. Oh dude, and you told me. You told me you weren't fucking- You called it vacuum bags. I love- You want it full of dust.


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[Assistant] Yo! Damn, she did tits for the troops? Yea, tits for troops. That was like a whole thing. She was smokin' hot!


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[Assistant] Get you in the factory. Get those rivets. Yeaah. Look at this. Fuckin' go to the beginning of this. Watch this guy. We're gonna tweet this video out. It's just, it's just, uh, I wanna say 40 year old guy and he's just a... ...slubby 65 year old. And she's going for it.


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[Assistant] You can't hear him, but they go for a makeout. It's just- Oh. Yea, but watch him, watch- You can play the music.


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[Assistant] Or I just go, yeaah. I already said the recipe for a great comic.


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[Assistant] If I had a kid, I'd just go get a gun, walk in the room, stare him right in the eyes and just be like, be funny. Blow my brains out. Do you think that's something you should be saying? Out loud? I don't know, do people want the recipe for greatness?


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[Assistant] It doesn't hold up. I just watched Waynes World. It has to. It's fucking rough. But for a kid? Austin Powers holds up, Austin Powers holds up. Austin Powers is funny.


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[Assistant] Breaking hips. Would you fucking smash a geezer? No. Nothing over- You wouldn't smash a geezer? Over fifties. No.


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[Assistant] Alright. Yeah, my wife, my lovely queen. You think you're gonna get old? I don't get old, dude. I don't think I'm getting old. I'm gonna replicate it. I think I'm gonna be lucky to make it like three more years.


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[Assistant] Let's take our first break, Shane Gillis hanging out, uh, while Jay films his new movie, Blade 4. I just want to see if we can get that trending. They didn't make a Blade 4, right?


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[Assistant] Probably. No they didn't. Jay told me that they got Wesley Snipes for this one. He's doing his scenes with Wesley Snipes.


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[Assistant] We're gonna take a break, we'll be right back. It's the goddamn bonfire.


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[Assistant] I was kidding around. Wait, no, this is, is this a fan made? Maybe it's fake. I think this is fan made.


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[Assistant] Cause Jay's in Blade 4. Yeaah. He's, what is he filming right now? It's Blade 4. Are we still in the air? Are we just? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Well guess what guys, if you're not wearing Mack Weldon underwear, you've been had. Stop buying underwear that doesn't fit right.


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[Assistant] That don't fit right and don't feel right. I see what it is. You're not sure that reads for us? For what, the underwear? Dude, this is for sexy underwear.


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[Assistant] You don't tell the people that you wear Mack Weldon. You wear little boxer briefs. Me? Yea. What do you wear? What kind of underwear do you wear? Whitey tighties, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A ventilation panel. They even use real silver woven into the fabric that kills odors. Plus it keeps you cool and comfortable all day. Hundreds of thousands of guys wearing Mack Weldon and if you don't love your first pair, they'll pay for it.


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[Assistant] What's up with you two? Were you kissing girls? He was, he kissed a lady. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's good to go. I kick the tires off of you. There she is. What's this? Gloria, what are you riding with? Huh? What you packing in here?


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[Assistant] Dude, it's just like, it's like priming a lawn mower. Especially if you just rub the top of it, cause it's against your pants. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, see? Alright!


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[Assistant] Oh man, you know what's crazy is if she listens to the show, do you think she knows, do you think she heard that story? Oh thank god. Yeah, that's a tough one for a lady. Do you think she listens? No. Good. Alright. But her friend does. Are you sure about that?


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[Assistant] Little ones will love the kid friendly features like a small brush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For what? A small brush head, watermelon, anti-cavity toothpaste, and colorful rubber grip handles. Help them develop a grown-up routine, quip sensitive sonic vibrations, boast an effective clean that's gentle and sensitive gums.


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[Assistant] You guys do have some pasty ass skin though. You more of a pink tint. I'm more pink. I think he's like, he's wearing like makeup. Yea, you got a pink tint. I'm very pink. Almost red. You're like a peach. I'm almost, I'm almost... You're like a beet red.


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[Assistant] Beat over it. Don't let it go. Uh, come on man. By the way, facial hair coming in. Pristine.


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[Assistant] Here's the thing, and I'm gonna be honest with you, cause you know I love you. Mustaches.


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[Assistant] If you wanna talk deals. Yea dude. If you're willing to talk deals.


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[Assistant] No, you do that, you're going to do way more damage to your long-term record. Here's what I'm, I'm willing to give you a plea deal. I'm willing to go to Jay and ask him to let you shave side face and neck. Yes. You leave the mustache in the bottom T.


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[Assistant] So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna review your case. I'm gonna bring it to Jay.


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[Assistant] He's helping Wesley Snipes kill a shit ton of zombies. So you want me to keep the Guy Fawkes mask? Yes, you're gonna keep V for Vendetta.


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[Assistant] Yeah, alright, I think we can work that out. Do you think that's fair, Christine?


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[Assistant] At the bonfire, SXM on Instagram, we'll put up a Insta story of what it looks like. Oof. Come on!


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm, listen, I'm willing to make the plea book. Jacob, what do you think? You're his lover, his friend. He likes it. He likes feeling it. He likes feeling the beard. Full beard. All over his back. You're a full beard guy now. You look great with the beard. When I collapse after I pulse.


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[Assistant] You are. I mean, it's just the cheeks and the neck are rough.


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[Assistant] Well, we'll see what the people say. Maybe you got a way out of here. I'm saying, let's just, for now, let's say you're keeping it. And then we'll see what the people say.


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[Assistant] Now you can do a whole segment about people who could beat up Jay. What did Sarah McPants tweet out?


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[Assistant] Jay can't. When were we talking about Jay getting his ass beat? I mean...


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[Assistant] Chris Collins was an old man. He's an old man now. Oh, back to the depressing dog story. So we saw this. Black Lou sent this one over and it's just a question of who you are as a person because I think there would be certain people that would do the same thing, but I don't think I would.


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[Assistant] Uh, Caroline Bittencourt, who is a Victoria's Secret model, drowned trying to save her dogs. She was, uh, boating with her husband and they hit a storm and, uh, her dog fell off the sailboat and then she tried to jump in. It was, uh, in Sao Paulo, Brazil.


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[Assistant] She died for those types of dogs? Yeah, right? A Labrador, I get it. I'll fucking go on the ice for a fucking golden retriever. Frozen Lake? If my fucking Rottweiler, if I


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[Assistant] I jump in and I fucking grab his muscular body and I pull him out. Rottweiler's a jack, dude. That's why I like him. I wanna fuck a Rottweiler.


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[Assistant] Yeah, a few hours later. Uuuh, and she was, she washed up on a beach. Monday. Oh god, and they have a 17 year old kid. Who found her?


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[Assistant] True cameras. Am I your Steve Bannon? Yea dude, Bannon out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen man, I'm going through a lot. When you're selling online, getting your orders out can be a real pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's time consuming and expensive. And how do you know you're making the best choice? That's why you need ShipStation.com. The fastest, easiest, and most


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can compare rates all across the top carriers and always know that you're getting the best deal. They even offer discounts on shipping costs. No wonder Shipstations is the number one choice online for online sellers. You know, when you do a read for the first time, you're really like, I should probably read this before because I'm just like cutting off sentences halfway. And then I'm like, it keeps going, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ShipStation never cuts off. You'll ship more in less time with the best rates available. Right now, try ShipStation free for 60 days by using the promo code BONFIRE. There's no credit card required to try it out, so why wait? Go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in BONFIRE. That's ShipStation.com. Enter BONFIRE, SHIPSTATION.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I needed you right there. Oh really? You know where Jay is every time I come out of a read? There to catch me. You know where you were?


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[Assistant] Look man, I wouldn't come up here if I knew all of you were gonna turn on me.


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[Assistant] Yesterday, uh, at the Stress Factory in Connecticut, the second Stress Factory owned by Vinnie Brand. Pete left.


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[Assistant] I saw it on his insta story. Shane and I were coming home from the cellar and I showed you it and he was like, all right, I got to cancel my show.


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[Assistant] Hey Vinny, or Shane, Pete was like, uh, Hey Vinny, don't go on stage and do time. Like I don't want you going on and doing time.


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[Assistant] And, uh, Vinny Brand was like, all right, well I'm gonna go make an announcement to my club and I'm gonna say this. So he was like bringing people up. He was, it was Derek Gaines and Ricky Velez and they had a couple other people. And so, uh, I guess he went on stage and he was about to, you know, bring Pete and Pete was, he was like, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vinnie was like, don't, you know, don't bring up Ariana Grande or Kate Beckinsale or whoever


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[Assistant] I think was the line that he had, you know, and Pete was like, I told you not to say shit. And so he left. He just dipped out and then he put up an Insta story saying he'd honor the tickets at another free show. Uh, here it is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe we, maybe when this thing pans out, we'll get Pete on the show. Pete's still yet to come on the show, which is crazy. Uh, but yeah, he left, and then Vinny Brand, I didn't see this video, but Vinny Brand went on stage and started talking shit.


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[Assistant] Dude, that's kinda, I'll tell you this man, it's uh, you know, you don't really know, like, what transpired on both ends, cause there could, you know, there could be stuff that we have no clue had happened, but I'll tell you this, it's not good to fucking go down this road where you're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a weird way to be like, you do a prank and it turns. He's like, hey, this next guy, I don't know who he's fucking, who's he fucking? Everyone? And he's like, he's gone? He left.


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[Assistant] Keep the money? What a weird, I'm bad with business.


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[Assistant] I love Mankato. I forgot, we saw the Chive. I love beating off in recliners. Jay and I did a interview with Chive and I forgot to bring you up that you're always promoting them. I love the Chive. Yea. Yea dude.


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[Assistant] Let's take another break. Shane Gillis hanging out all day. It's already fucking 7.20. Wow. So many videos to get to. So much SEX to talk about. We're talking sex? Maybe. I don't know. Talking old sex. Yes. Oh. Yeaah. Yes. It's the bonfire. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's our show. You're like, this is just the perfect storm. Jacob, don't worry. We're going to get through it. We're all going to get through it because Bowling Branch has 100% pure organic cotton sheets. Hundreds of thousands of Americans sleep better thanks to Bowling Branch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're the only sheets loved by three U.S. presidents. Your boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loves them. Really? No, talks about them all the time. Every product is designed with you in mind. From their signature soft sheets to their cozy throws to their plush towels. And they want you to love their Bowlin' Branch Purchase so they give you a 30 day risk free trial. Whether you're giving them as a gift or trying them yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now is the perfect time to get Bowen Branch for a limited time. You can save $50 off your first set of sheets. That's B-O-L-L and Branch.com promo code bonfire for $50 off your first set of sheets. BowenBranch.com promo code bonfire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting in for him, the Bull, Shane Gillis from Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Make sure you go check out that, go download it. Also go to cc.com slash bonfire and check out the new bonfire website. And Columbus, Ohio, this Friday and Saturday, Big Jay is going to be at the Funny Bones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you want to see Big J in the city, uh, at one of the most historic comedy clubs in the city, May 16th through the 19th, bigjcomedy.com for tickets. I will be in Calgary, Alberta, Canada at The Laugh Shop, May 9th through 11th, and then Comedy Connection in Rhode Island, May 17th and 18th with Justin Silver. Tickets at danceholder.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It reminded me of this video that I sent you off Barstool. It's two little kids. We'll tweet it out at the bonfire or you can just see it at Barstool, at Barstool Sports. But these two kids in a living room, there's a bird loose. See it's right on the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The power! Why, right here. He's picking his nose, so he's a loose cannon. And then he just, he's got him!


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[Assistant] Oh, that day you became a man. Let everyone know. Dude, my, uh, my dad had this alcoholic roommate named Jim, who used to make, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like gave it to me? This dude would just do all this cool arts and crafts shit and drink like Barton's vodka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just get hammered, but you had this cat named- He's an artist. TC? Tough Cat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the best with names. Not terrible with names. Great with his hands. Terrible with names. This thing would bring back, like, lake...


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[Assistant] Rodents. Like these giant like rats, like muskrats and shit. And he would fucking kill them and then bring them back in and I remember sleeping, sleeping over there and waking up and TC brought in this like muskrat and I was like, oh, I was like a kid who was dead. It was right by the front and you're like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a video of a lady watching the NFL draft and the guy that gets drafted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Montez Sweet, the DN from Mississippi State.


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[Assistant] This one guy just keeps touching him in a weird way. I think he's like trying to get his attention, but this lady's reaction is so goddamn funny.


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[Assistant] He fell off a ladder and it's, oh fuck, how can we not play this? Dude, you'll love this. By the way, we'll tweet both these videos out at thebonfiresxm. This is in a gym.


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[Assistant] You're really sunning someone if you grab him by the back of the neck. You see he walks away, grabs him by the back of the neck, says something, and boop! Knocks him, gets dropped by that dude. Dude, that nerd knew accuracy. It's like he knew all the physics behind a fucking knockout punch. He's Asian too, so he calculated it all quick.


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[Assistant] Not all Asians are dorks, I'm just saying. What? What? What'd you say? You said you'd never seen a muscular Asian. There weren't many when I was growing up. Weren't many Asians. Do you watch movies? There weren't that many, they weren't like fucking thick. Bloodsport.


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[Assistant] Yeaah true. That guy was a thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc thicc


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[Assistant] Obviously this guy is fucking hot. That doesn't mean I wouldn't knock him out of the mall.


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[Assistant] Next thing I know, a fucking jacked Asian's upping my shit. He's doing power cleans. Probably doing, what, three sets of three? He sees me doing, I see his light work on the cleans. I give him a


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[Assistant] No, he looks like he's a, he looks like he's a gay painter. Like a gay house painter.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, that'll fuck your sh- THAT GUY WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP HUANG CHUL SOOON.


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[Assistant] Him? No way. What are you talking about, Preston? Dude, hit the video, we got video to show you how, look at that.


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[Assistant] He's my trainer. Did you summon Chul? Did you summon him? Did you summon him? Oh wow, there's a hole. Oh, look at this guy.


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[Assistant] We were gonna kiss, and then David Shoemaker was like, they'll pull away, and then just come back and remove you guys, and I was like,


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[Assistant] Dude, I don't even know you anymore. Just cause, just cause Chun fucking punked you.


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[Assistant] Joel, Joel, what up? Look at him doing those deadlifts, bringing the deadlifts up. How much is that? Six plates? I think he's training


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[Assistant] People will watch billions. It's not the ratings anymore. It's not the fuckin' eighties. Cause everyone I know watched Game of Thrones.


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[Assistant] Like Jay's Blade 4, when Blade 4 comes out in the theaters. I'll be, I'll be at the midnight chilling. Yeah, we'll probably go to the premiere.


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[Assistant] In the first six seconds I was like, aw man, god damn I can't wait to watch this. Why don't you just come back on when Jay's back? Let me know bro, you know I'm fucking hanging out every day.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude. Like a hot 55. Please. 60. Bump it up, dawg. 65.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, that's, uh, 65 is, Jacob, what's the oldest you'd go? 60? Who the 50s were you?


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[Assistant] It's crazy. Nah, you can run into some- I would say 55's the cat.


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[Assistant] My dad. Phil Gillis. Just getting everyone boned up.


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[Assistant] Chop someone to death. Older men are a different story though. Like older men. It's true. Older men.


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[Assistant] Right? Yes. Well, there's two women in the room. Karen, what's the oldest you would go?


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[Assistant] What does this say? What's the name of this article on Buzzfeed? 15 stunning silver foxes that will awake your inner thirst. Do they just have computer programs coming up with these?


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[Assistant] Great show, May 11th. Go buy tickets to see Shane Gillis' headline in Philadelphia at heliumhelium.com for tickets. Make sure you go also check out Big J in Columbus this Friday and Saturday at the Funny Bone.


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[Assistant] Then, uh, Carolines, May 16th through the 19th, BigJComedy.com, DanSoto.com for tickets for The Laugh Shop in Calgary, May 9th through the 11th. Then Comedy Connection, May 17th and 18th.


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[Assistant] You ready to? Climbing. We'll see you tomorrow. Crackle, crackle.


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[Assistant] I love a thick ol' thick-aired gator game in my jorts.


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[Assistant] Healer monster. From the island of, in the Japan, the Healer Monster. They have those all over the place.


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[Assistant] Maybe debris was dispatched by Gillette. Find out if Gillette's headquarters was in


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[Assistant] I bet camera guys, gaffers, everyone's got a knob polish on that thing.


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[Assistant] Just to be like, and it's like, yeah, fuck him, so hard. I'm gonna blow everybody he just saw.


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[Assistant] I mean, some of these people are, the one they keep showing, it's annoying. I don't DVR it anymore because it just, DVR is the same episode over and over again for some reason. Yeaah. It's uh, Maria- It's like Nighthawk and American Dead. Maria Hernandez, she's like 19, smoking hot.


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[Assistant] 19 and in a relationship for three months and is pretty sure something's going on. And it's like, you find out he's like been living with another woman for years or whatever, but it's like, what a nitwit to call a fucking cheater's TV show. I mean, whatever, say it's fake or whatever, but I mean like- It is. Sure, some of it is, but I'll tell you what, there's too many actual-


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[Assistant] You could tell a fight that is like, I turn him off, I get bummed, I'm like, oh my god. Look at these two black dudes like, uh, like ninny punching each other in the, in the shoulders. But you see some where guys have gotten dropped and like, split.


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[Assistant] And he gets knocked out. They blur the dude's face out who knocks him out, which is even like, that guy should want his face everywhere. They should make t-shirts of that guy.


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[Assistant] You definitely, I'd give that guy a vote. I don't even vote. I'll go to the polls that day.


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[Assistant] But yea, so I'm saying, with the ones that are real, where there's a woman actually getting bummed down in that show, cause we already found out there's like the fake names of the comics in the episode I brought up, I know a bunch of them are fake. If not most, but there's gotta be a few that are, yea, the concept had to have started with a real thing.


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[Assistant] I actually believe, that's what I'm saying, this cute little 19 year old, because...


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[Assistant] That's the stupidity of someone that would call a show to have someone investigate three months into dating them.


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[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? It's like a 19 year old girl, you're like, yeah, probably. I think you're cheating on me, it's probably you should split up. Yeah, that's... Break up.


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[Assistant] Oh, I know. Well, we left for, well, we should say we are live today, obviously, on Wednesday. We went to comedy camp. Went to comedy camp with Robert Kelly. Very fun.


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[Assistant] Very, very fun. Yeah, more fun than I thought it was going to be, I must say. But also, I kind of should have seen the idea of the grouping that was going.


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[Assistant] Genuinely going for a crazy multi-mile hike was gonna fall apart. I should have felt more confident than that. And I, I'm happy it worked out that way, but I didn't like the anxiety build of thinking this was gonna happen.


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[Assistant] The sell was you don't have to go, which kept hurting my feelings. First of all, when Robert Kelly looks at you and he keeps going, he goes, dude, it's not that bad, you'll be fine. And you're like, Bobby, yes, I know, relatively, I'll be fine.


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[Assistant] I know, I'm gonna, I know I'm gonna live through this, but I mean, uh, it's just, I don't see what's that fa- I mean, to me it's swatting bugs non-stop and itching and different versions of hot and cold, but there may be-


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[Assistant] But there's few things in the world I think I like better than sitting around a fire at night time.


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[Assistant] That's not true. When it came to like food time, I felt that we were going big, but that said.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what happened. Ari, uh, Becky and their friend Chris, uh, who's on the trip too, went off on a different route than we did in the hike.


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[Assistant] And, Becky came back different for sure. Uh, Ari got, he did some in here, he brainwashed her out there in the woods somewhere.


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[Assistant] No, not mean at all, but man did she want to make a fire that was... Like your campfire's not supposed to hurt you, the campers.


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[Assistant] And then Ari started throwing in hedge, it was, it became a whole thing.


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[Assistant] I remember the first time you shit your pants with excitement that we had purchased that and you were like no fucking way dude this is my jam. Shout out to assistant director Jake Brown.


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[Assistant] Give it to somebody else. But Christine will tell you. Far before Christine!


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[Assistant] Now me and Dave Smith used to have a problem with him. It shows more than I had a problem with him. But Dave Smith also had a problem with him.


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[Assistant] He was like, he was like, he was like, Jacob, calm, he's your friend. He almost fucked your shit up.