[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like 30 people at the same time on the porch like, is that fucking Kat Williams? And he just, and he was standing up. He's like, I guess like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people can stand up on, you know, when you're like a kid or whatever, you can stand up on a bike and hold on the, you know, and your body works out that way, right? So he can still do it, right? And so he was just looking over at everybody, dude, just cruising right by, right down sunset. Did he ever do the Storch? What are you like? I never saw him in there. I think so. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I said, seen him over there, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I got a statue, uh, at a Target one time. They were advertising it as a Cat Williams. And it was like, uh, it's like a black Nutcracker from Christmas. Damn. And, uh, yeah, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I put it on my story and Kat shared it. Really? Yeaah, and it was like the highlight of my whole year, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause dude, there's really not anybody kind of, uh, I feel like cats like just, uh, he seemed really unique, I think. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have it in my contract. You know there's not a lot of trans male, uh, uhm, comedians really is there. There used to be more cross dressing, didn't there? Yea. I feel like maybe yea. Dude, there used to be more cross dressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't like like my genitals just being open under like a little curtain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so what they're saying, they're the, they're the true, what are you talking about? Like what are you saying when you say something? Like we never even said something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we definitely got to refine the Olympics it feels like. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be awesome. Yeah, they had a group that used to tour the country, uhm, that would come to, uhm, Baton Rouge back in the day. And you'd pay and it was gay men fighting and fist fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? And you pay up five bucks over there, get you a beer and get you some fights. Jay fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People would go, yeah, and it was their company. They did it. It was, it wasn't like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was supportin' gay activism, you know, and, and yeah, yeah, there was a lot of, a lot of good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they could have ran out of fight, you know, like I think when you're traveling like that and you have to fight and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And then you, probably a lot of the men you're traveling with also want to date you or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just feels like, it would just be a lot. And you're having like chem sex afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Oh, those rides, they must have been such bitches the whole drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said it's hot and some guys like, that's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't remember if there was a belt, but there was uhm, and they called it F.A.G. Fist fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember. I was just, I was a drinking, you know, we would, you know, use fake ID to get in there. But I remember it as clear as day. I don't know why they don't have it anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was definitely pretty cool. It's fucking awesome. A lot of cool shit's gone by the wayside, I guess. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would also, sometimes he would be like the parking attendant or something. He'd be like, make sure your vehicle's registered. You know, he would say shit like that. And he's like, you know, he'd be like, I'll put a boot on your wife's pussy. You know, he'd say stuff like that. And you're like, what? You're six years old being like, damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I remember I went to when The Rock came back, I went to one professional wrestling thing, it was when The Rock came back. Must've been nuts. It was like, Mar- was it 29- I don't remember when it was. The Mayor would get it. Uhm. When did The Rock return? When?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember looking over and there was a Mexican father and son. It was a man, probably 38.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a kid, probably nine, right? Or six. Perfect. And uh, and they were the same height. And they were both bawling, crying, dude. That the rock, like bawling, fucking crying together. Holding hands, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And it was just, I, I just realized like, wow, this is just still such a powerful thing, you know, cause it was that powerful for me when I was a kid, man. I would just fucking stay up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that'd be awesome. That'd be fun, dude. We would make a chart of all of the wrestling people that they had and they all had to fight each other on the chart and you'd like see who won and it would take months to find out who the champion was and it was just you beating up something in your room or different things in your room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, I mean, that was just the craziest thing was just, I guess the, yeaah, that you didn't, that you weren't nominated for the comedy thing. Oh, that's bullshit. I thought that was fucking pretty lame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. It looks like one of those balls on that special sew, like my 70 pound nut or whatever. Here comes me with my nut, you know? And some guy, they'll put like a little curtain in front of it and he'll be like, da da, and he'll just pull the curtain, but it's still just his nut there, you know? And all the kids will pay a quarter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome, man. So how did you even get nominated? They just knew you guys were doing it. We just had, I think just the highest patron. I don't know. Wait, so you guys are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope not. Did he? That's what everybody's calling him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would say you would be mad? No, I want to go back to Houston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think you could get tall enough away from being gay, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just like, you know, I just wonder if at certain altitudes or whatever, there is as much yayness or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just don't understand the long term of it because if you, if everybody dies from drug overdose and is sad, then what do you even, like you're not going to have anybody to work in the workforce to make you any money. Like that's why I just don't understand it. Robots. Like how do you get the high score in whatever they're doing, you know? I don't know what the fuck they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it does at certain levels it gets pretty weird cause even I've just met a couple of rich folks and they get pretty weird man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get a little bit like, it definitely seems kind of scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salt burn, it's about kind of like, uh, have you seen it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Salt, was Saltburn about, like, wealthy families? Saltburn is about a really, it's about a young man, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He offers him to come and live and work with his family and they are very wealthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's about like, they have this like kind of Valentine's party and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People start just being fucking real, just kind of gay and stuff. And then you don't know what's going on. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people are like slurping each other off and shit. Really? Yeah. And it's night time a lot at the end of it. Oh, fuck. That's the best thing I can say. It's kinda like Shakespeare. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. What's the young fella's name? Whisker or whatever? Baron?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Who do you think your vice president should be? Because you gotta pick somebody now, you have to realize it doesn't even fucking matter. Like, the guy's either gonna go to jail for embezzlement or he's gonna help you get votes because he's cool, right? No matter who your vice president. So you almost wanna pick somebody that just has like, people like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause no one knows who Trump's vice is gonna be. Yea, I mean, he had Michael Pence, that dude who collects fucking those, uh, he collects those like, uh, Christmas villages. Yea, he's nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Future clothes too? Future clothes too. The best is when CeeLo just turns his neck like that. I love that dude. CeeLo is fucking great man. He's a sweet guy. We got to ride on an airplane with him one time. Did you really? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really nice guy. Uhm, but yeah, and also I want to say I don't know for a fact that, uh, Mike Pence collects Christmas. I believe it. It's so believable though. I have seen images and JPEGs and everything. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm not saying that people over there, there's not a war and it's not horrific, but I just don't understand how, like, funding a war helps any of it. To me, that, that just doesn't help anybody. Yea, you get gadgets, I guess. You get some gadgets. But you gotta find some way to peace. I don't think funding a war helps anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the culture we, I'm curious to see what their move is as a political power. Cause at some point, population wise, they're going to tip the scales. So that's when they could, if they want, storm all of the houses and all of the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wanted to, at that point it's a numbers game and they could bring it down and really have some control over stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're already, they're in position. Walk in all these banks, just shut the fucking bank down. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a Chinese waitress today, beautiful lady. South Korean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where'd you go? We went to lunch at a little, uh, rotisserie or whatever it's called. Yeah, nice. And, uh, how was her service? It was pretty good. She was very charming. Yeah, that's nice. And she was a nice lady. That's nice. She married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked up online if you're married or not. Did you really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope so. I hope it's coming. They're supposed to have racism VR coming up. Really? Where you can put it on and walk down the street and like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be nice if they could put it into a Tesla, that'd be sick. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of blankies too dude, a lot of black dudes trying to be white. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. You see that shit much more than you used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everywheres. True that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every now and then you see, uh, some brother trying to fucking whiten out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, what the fuck, man? But that's also, you know, I believe in beige power in the end, we all end up beige, right? So it's just, this is just how we're all getting there in the meantime. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's just what's going on, you know? I agree, man. And this, I think it's fun to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as you're not out doing crimes or anything, it's fun to joke around about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a brutal move. That's such a cold and heartless move. Oh yeaah. The hospital used to seem more reliable, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it doesn't seem that reliable as it used to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. It's the Canadian name. The Canuck. I just got engaged actually, Tim. Really? Congrats, bro. That's awesome. What's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all the pork barrel spending is something that goes on where they just attach all the fucking, you know, we're going to give six homes to fucking, you know, you know, people that don't have any faces or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of the wrestling thing like you were saying earlier, sorry, I can't think of the word. It sounds like a wrestling story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even caring about somebody doesn't even seem like it makes any sense to you anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's scary now to think, even if you watch pornography, they're saying that a lot of these websites, that's how they get stuff on people because they can just turn your camera on. So they're watching you watch porn and that's the footage that they use of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost everybody whenever they need to come to you and say, Hey man, you can't


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I would love to get to spend time with Kat, man. He's super fascinating, I think. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His new show, his new hour. And he has a long, his body has like a very long torso, I think, you know. I think my sister's boyfriend has like really short legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen him shirtless? His knees kinda go in his shoes a little. What? He's got no shins. I don't know what he, I didn't look at him that, I'm not fucking perving at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to get in his head. Bro, that must be the worst if you hate your sister's boyfriend. Like really hate him. Yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well yeah, cause also it's like we don't need another fucking loser in our family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The family, this used to be cool back in the old days, the family would get together and vote. They would have a say in what, and a lot of times it was because we are fucking, our family is horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's poor, but he has to have a skill. He has to have an ability. He has to have at least a flicker of hope in his eyes. Yeah, true. You know? Cause if you're just, yeah, you gotta fuck uphill, man. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our friend Eric Meyer who died out on the highway, remember that? What? That was heartbreaking. Died on the highway? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel something start to press into the side of you. That's all you ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a couple of interviews with people that have survived falling out of plane crashes and stuff, falling out of the sky, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play with it. Take it out. Play with it in your room. That's how Chris died, dude. It's not loaded. Who? Everybody's a friend of Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I hate to even laugh about it, man. It's fucking sad. I know it's sad for a lot of people right now hearing that and it just makes me fucking sad. No, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a ton of fucking guns. I'd be so scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think part of it is somebody teaching you how to use it well and just what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's probably scratched, what the fuck. I scratched it. It could go off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I feel like 20 years ago people were like, it's stoked about living. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it feels like people are kind of just on the fence. Maybe we were just young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's also a lot more tall buildings than you used to be. True. More land of opportunity. It is the land of opportunity. Yeah, dude, think about it. In the 1800s, you had to fucking drive all the way to St. Louis to even fucking jump off. Yeah, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking ridiculous and part of them is thankful that their dad's even alive, probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's so cruel. Who would get that footage though? It's pretty fucking cruel, man. But who would get it? Like, probably kids. That's kids, right? Yeah, hopefully, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think also that uhm, oh fuck, I don't know what it was. That wasn't me, was that you? Stomach growl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There weren't enough prizes for them, I felt like. And there wasn't enough. There was no ranking. I just feel like it was disorganized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tough run, man. It's a tough way to make it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but I think you romanticize that it's going to be something real perfect and it's just a business transaction. That's true, that's true. That's my heart, my heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, hey, yeah, we'll do it again. Yeah, hell yeah. Thank you for coming here. Yeah, I think we covered a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun. It was easy. Hell yea. I'm really glad that, uh, that I got to come. Sorry it took me so long to come, man. No, I've heard that before. Not that you were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm joking, man. Uh, thank you guys, bruh. All right, love you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I don't know man. I don't think she's not gonna beat the T-Dog, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know, it was, it was just fun to watch, cause I watched the first, uh, Vivek versus Charlamagne, The Breakfast Club, and they had this lady who was like on a screen, and she was just brutal to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, sucks to be you. And he's like, bro, 20 million is nothing to me. He stunted on him so hard and it was like, and he was like, you gotta understand, in my position, 20 million is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we're about to get mentally devastated the next year for the election. Everyone's about to get butt fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That does sound good though. I don't know why. They've probably been like injecting it and like crafting the perfect fucking snitch. Just. Like aesthetically tight inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and they have Jodie Foster, it's like a classic buddy cop dynamic where it's like a racist old curmudgeon, and like, you know, I think she's like, native, whatever, maybe, I don't know, she's definitely putting on hard for the Inuits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time Jodie Foster will be like, like the lady's super tough and then Jodie Foster's like a tough white bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it's nighttime for like two months. Which is a sick setting, it's like snow everywhere, it's a cool idea. But then it's just these tough ass bitches dude, non-stop. Forced cream pie, first episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a shocker. It was a shocker. And the dudes are so girlish too on the show. The guys literally, like, I don't know if this is like a, almost like a theatrical, like, twist to like, you know, it's like being played up on purpose. This is what they think it is. But it's like a longer haired dude, like, naked under the sheets, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the one lady comes in, the lady with the two things in her face, she comes in and like to the camera, like makes a tough face. She'll come in and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it'll cut to something else. It's like, dude, what the f- It's insane, dude. Show for real, come in and just be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it'll be like a close up on someone being like, errrr.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they would definitely be, I could see a stud taking that on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's not like, it hasn't really, no one's lost a job over that. You know what I mean? It's kinda like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Studs are fucking, dude, I'll be honest, studs are fucking with the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy is upping the nicotine pouch game with breaker's pouches, packing a little something extra inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you know your pouches, you know that the nicotine doesn't hit immediately, and neither does the flavor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The geniuses at Lucy came up with a brilliant way to fix both those problems. They put a mini liquid capsule inside each breaker's pouch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what you do. Grab a breaker's pouch and break the capsule. Yes, with your teeth. It really makes a satisfying pop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Put it in your lip and enjoy the immediate nicotine and flavor release. Nobody is doing anything like this except for Lucy. It's a new kind of pouch technology and it's only available from Lucy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, I eat 40 of them a day and I've never felt better. Here's the breaker's breakdown. 4 or 8 milligrams of tobacco free, 100% pure nicotine, 6 delicious flavors, unique ones like apple ice or espresso, and classics like mint or mango.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and also to be fair, for my personal endorsement, I've tried these things before, they burn my mouth, any nicotine product, but then the flavor comes, and I'm like, oh yeaah, and then I throw up. Cause I can't handle the nicotine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Break up with your dusty gas station pouches and go to lucy.co slash drenched and use promo code drenched to get 20% off your first order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy offers free shipping and has a 30 day refund policy if you change your mind. That's lucy.co and use code drenched to get 20% off and always free shipping. And here comes a fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning! This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True Classic is here to help you end the old year with a new you and close that'll give you the confidence to tackle those 2024 resolutions. That's quite the sentence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out with the old ratty t-shirts and sweat stains and holes. True classics, ultra comfortable, perfect fitting essentials range from fitted t-shirts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True Classic has everything you need to hit the gym, take it slow, or treat yourself to something nice. They've already helped over 2 million men look great in their apparel and now you can save big while you do so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a limited time only, get 25% off when you shop now with my exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash drenched. D-E-R-E-N-C-H-E-D. Drenched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my whole closet is all true classic because they send me shirts all the time so it's all I wear and I will say they're comfortable. I'll be honest, if I didn't like them I would just say, oh they're cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're genuinely comfortable shirts, and they kinda make you look jacked as they hug your shoulders. All the shirts are made to accentuate the places the eyes go to first. Tighter in the arms and chest, but leaves a perfect amount of room for your midsection. The best part is that True Classic sells premium products at an affordable price. You can get their best-selling...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, you can get their best-selling t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and more in three, six, and nine packs. When it comes to sweatshirts, their hoodies and crews will become your go-to for casual Fridays, game days, and trips to the gym. I'm a huge fan of their zip hoodie, which I pretty much wear every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, you can choose, oh sorry. Seriously, whatever you choose, you can't go wrong with True Classic. All their clothing can be mixed and matched and designed to work with your lifestyle so that you can look and feel great and feel your best each and every day. In fact, True Classic is so committed to their products, they even have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They even have a 100% perfect fit guarantee and easy returns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're ready to upgrade your closet, shop now with our exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash drenched and save up to 25% off your first order. Make 2024 your most stylish year yet with True Classic. Again, shop now with our exclusive- Sorry, I'm salivating a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, shop now with our exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash drenched and save up to 25% off your first order. Back to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the, what was the ratio at the party? I need to go, guys, girls. Was it a sausage fest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a guy who in Philly chop- chopped a trans lady up. God damn. Like, he was a contractor and he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember who, there was a Philly politician who got like mugged by a gay male prostitute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you like, are you like, how do you handle coffee? Does coffee fuck you up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm the biggest stimulant baby, like a full cup of coffee spins me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Molly is kind of a stimulant, but it's like if it's not cut with speed, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had like a bug out for like 10 minutes as it kicked in, I was just like, uhuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Molly is like, it's definitely, you're like, oh my god, but it's like not, if you, if I could handle it, I would say most people could. I would take it though, I don't know how people go and take it at parties, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's like, I don't think there's much trang sex. Gay dudes are ripping like meth and just going, it's like a thing that's hard to shake. Like if you want to talk about pinning someone with the thumb of your butt, the meth sex is apparently like, there's like rehab specifically designed for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take an addictive thing and attach it to your sex life. That's tough to come back from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You better not get into cam sex, Lamar. Nah, dude. I would never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're about the same, right? They got some grit to them. Yeah. Titties are sagging, titties are sagging pretty hard on them too, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Toothless or had like many missing teeth and she straight up was like I'll suck your dick in that van for whatever it was like 25 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but then you have the mindset of a 40 year old crackhead. Knowledge, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kanye can't get pussy ever again. We're being slanged. He's blessing us by getting married.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] South Park's been crushed. I heard that so. I always save them up and I'll watch the whole season. They have a whole season. I'll be right back, I gotta spit. No problem. I'm sick right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's steamy and it hurts your penis? No. No. Dude, it happens, I've noticed, if I, if the shower heats up and I pee in the shower, I think, as I've heard when I was little, like when you pee, your dick also like, sucks in a little bit. Yeah, it goes crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had that, but I'm talking, this is like an ache. It's, I, I, I don't know anyone else. I've been trying to figure it out. I've been like testing. I took a pee in a cold shower recently. I'm like, no problem. It's like steam. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Your awareness travels through your body and you can feel various parts of your body. Pretty cool. That's meditation, right?


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[Assistant] That's part of it, I guess. I just noticed that. I lay in bed at night, and I like, would just always just do a thing where I'm like, alright, let me relax my legs, and I notice there's like a fleeting sensation. Now would be tough, because, you know, we're on right now. If you lay in bed and think about your feet, there's like a, like a pulsing presence in your feet. If you think about your legs, it's like, now your legs are like, it's pretty nuts, dude.


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[Assistant] Peterson talks about the shit all the time now. It's like, yea, they're just getting access to these dudes that are just like hot rich dudes who are just banging all the chicks. And then, but then they have to eventually scramble.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, that's not right. Cause they need to be focused on like running the country.


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[Assistant] God bless you all. Also please, this weekend I'll be at Zany's Comedy Club. I think there's a little bit of tickets left. Please get it. Oh yeaah. And then I'll be in Pittsburgh March 7th. That's a big room and I'd like to fill it if I could. Yeah. Funny Bone Orlando. Go to MattMcCusker.com. I'll be there with you. Yes, Lamar will be there.


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[Assistant] On July the 4th, on July 2014, I was looking to buy a car, and I found out from my brother Ronnie that my defendant was selling, uh, 2000, 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix. I told my brother that I was going to text her to inquire about the car.


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[Assistant] You know, she lied through the whole case. She said she, that I got upset with her over the phone. That's not true.


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[Assistant] The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any pot before six is like, tough. Why? Five, six. You gotta get like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see that bird where, uh, his owner destroyed the cage and he started bugging out, he's going


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he swallowed it, threw up, came back out, put it in the bag and was like...


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[Assistant] They just opened the robe and the guy was like, no. What? That's pretty awesome. She's just like, I want, I have this fantasy. Were they attractive? The guy or the girl? The girl was okay.


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[Assistant] Well, she just said, she said he was just fucking hot off put. He was like, I'm, I'm married. Didn't report her, but I cleaned out.


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[Assistant] What's the process with the, uh, up and down the lever itself? Does it get hard as soon as you enter? What?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've seen soft birds get whacked around when they're getting knocked, but like.


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[Assistant] Now, you were great. You were a fucking wonderful hang. I've gotten a lot of our friends sober. Thank you. None are sober.


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[Assistant] Yeah, pictures and shit. Dude, that place was bananas. It was a carnival of clowns. I left my


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Eastern European Muslims are fucking nuts. I know. They're all, they all look the same.


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[Assistant] I need more content, I'm all caught up. I need a new season.


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[Assistant] I have new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in New Orleans, Louisiana. We're coming back over there. We're gonna do it at the Sanger Theater down now.


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[Assistant] Down now, downtown. March 29th and 30th, that's Easter weekend.


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[Assistant] Get your tickets early with the pre-sale code RATKING starting this Wednesday, January 17th.


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[Assistant] At 10 AM local time, general on sale begins Friday, January 19th at 10 AM local time.


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[Assistant] We also have tickets remaining in Charlottesville, State College, Amherst, uh, Brisbane, Sydney in the Australia and Atlanta, Georgia. Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T O U R.


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[Assistant] We are down here in Austin, Texas today over at Rooster Teeth Studios and we are happy to be here and really happy to let you know about today's guest. Um, he's one of the brightest young comedians in the world. He is just a damn, I mean, just a long damn.


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[Assistant] Just Ivory Flamingo of a boy.


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[Assistant] And he is just so humorous and you know him from Matt and Shane's secret podcast and his latest special, Beautiful Dogs on Netflix. I'm grateful to get to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Shane Gillis.


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[Assistant] Cause that's probably starting to happen to you. People are like, dude, this guy's the king, right? Yeah. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I've heard stuff like that, off-road Elvis, people call you that.


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[Assistant] Dude, if we win, what if we did undercover, we were undercover lesbians.


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[Assistant] Good to see you man. Good to see you. Shane bro, nice to see you dude. I'm always happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You too, man. Thanks for, thanks for hanging out and, uh, yeah. And I was so glad that I got to do Matt and Shane's secret podcast, bro. Dude, that was awesome. Uh, Matt's amazing.


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[Assistant] Doing it with a buddy is so fun, dude, because you have like, there's just somebody to talk to, like, someone's out doing by myself and I'm like, fuck, I wish there was somebody else here, you know? Doing it by yourself's crazy.


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[Assistant] That's so crazy. I can't, I can't imagine. How often do you do that? It really is. I think I do it like once a month right now by myself. It's gotta be hard. Yea, I think it's, let me think about what it's like.


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[Assistant] I think sometimes it's just tough cause you're only, if you have a bad attitude, it's just you, you know? I can't imagine, yeah. If I, if I felt...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It makes you feel that? Like every time you show up, you're like, oh I'm hungover until you start to notice a pattern, you mean? Oh yea, for sure.


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[Assistant] Dude, one time we were drinking with my buddy and, uh, he got into the Uber ride and he just didn't get his, like, he had like real kind of heavy legs because his mom kind of had heavy legs, but she'll wear tight pants and you kind of couldn't tell, but if you were over there a lot, you knew.


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[Assistant] That she kinda had really stocky legs, but he was bringing his second leg into the Uber and his sandal fell off, right?


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[Assistant] So then we had this place we were going and probably he fucking just shows up. Yeah, everybody was just like, he just seemed so much drunker than he was, you know? It's crazy how losing- Yeah. We're losing one piece of footwear and somebody's like-


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[Assistant] Yeah, your kids are like, nuh-uh. Yeah, your kids are like, we're not, we're gonna order pizza.


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[Assistant] It's uh, uh, oh yeaah, this is it right here. Do you see this? So Eric Adams, he teaches, what was he saying? They're teaching kids how to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call me fucking Colonel Mustard. Look behind this picture of your cousin. What's that? An eight ball. Some suppositories. He's like, oh, look in, look in this baby doll. What's in there? A shank. A picture of Andy Dufresne.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, it's a nice room. Yeah. It's like, oh, oh, look under that Nintendo switch. Oh, what's that? Bam. It's a 12 gauge and some tramadol now. It's got a lot of guns. Um, that's pretty awesome, man.


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[Assistant] He's a guy, I like him. Eric Adams? Yeah, he seems funny. Yeah. Seems good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think he obviously seems down earth he's willing to do that. Yeah. You know? Cause that seemed like it could be like a sketch, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Check your son's Invisalign case. He may be hiding on shotgun shells. Or just something. Be bullets.


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[Assistant] Yeah, look behind that autographed picture of Katy Perry. Oh, what's that? That's a gatling gun and some oxys.


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[Assistant] They need to find the weapons. Yeah, did your parents ever check you? I'm trying to think of my mom. My mom came in one time and I remember I was touching myself, right? Big surprise.


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[Assistant] Yes, like a jester traveling in the woods and he'd taken off his suit and he's jerking off by the river bank or whatever. You know? And she's like, what are you doing? And I was like, get out! And so then she closed the door, right? She waited like two seconds, right? I continued masturbating. She came right back.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Yes. Oh yeaah. Hotel, yeaah, definitely. And he... The guy at the front. He stood there for it, yeaah.


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[Assistant] You did? Yeah. What is it that makes us do that? You know? Hotel rooms? It's almost like, you know, some birds when they, after they've flown for a long way, they like vomit, right? When they land.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's uh, I don't wanna, it's something like a seagull or something?


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[Assistant] Yeah, you know some birds can fly almost 1,100 miles before they land, right? But there's some when they, right when they vomit, they land. Will you look that up?


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[Assistant] There's way too many fights at these games these days. Or do you think we're just recording them now? That's what it is. I don't know. There's always been that many fights. There has always been that many.


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[Assistant] Matthew Clemens, Phillies fan, vomit. Vomit man.


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[Assistant] Which is crazy because you were just talking about that. I forgot about that. The hotel was under renovations.


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[Assistant] And it was crazy. I think she thought I was bringing her to like some like crazy place or something. Cause there was the, you know, all that uhm. She was like pumped there was a door. Visc waiting hanging everywhere. Like it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, let me see. Clemens pleaded guilty to simple assault and other charges Tuesday, May 25th. Intentionally vomiting on a man, a police officer, and his 11 year old daughter. Wow. Oh, so it was a police officer at the game. He wasn't like getting arrested. I wonder how much time they gave him.


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[Assistant] CrimeSider is offering to buy VomitMan a satellite dish to discourage him from going to any more games. A satellite dish?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Check inside of your son's baseball bat, man. He could be hiding a couple of Vikings in there. It's fucking ridiculous, you know?


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[Assistant] Oh, you think that's a stuffed ludicrous doll, but open up his back and boom, what do you got? A butt balloon, a crystal, and a couple of Narcan chewables.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what were we talking about dude? Vomit man. Oh yea. You moved here. I did. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You moved here since we last talked to you. Yeah. You made a big move, so like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Cause you moved from New York. Yeah. Wow. And was there a part of you that was kinda scared? Was there, like, what were you thinking? Cause, I mean, I've thought about it, you know? And a lot of people have done it, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and uh, oh, what's that in your daughter's bedroom? What's that in her pillowcase? Oh, that's extra taxes. That's what happens. That's taxes in a couple of somas, bro.


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[Assistant] Lotta taxes up there. Oh, it's crazy. It's an extra, I think, 14%. What's the state tax rate in New York City up there, Zachary?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah dude, so that's kinda crazy, so you moved...


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, yeah, I think some people say that, they're like, oh, do you wanna move there? Cause Rogan's there, cause Dylan's there, it seems like the new thing. And I think, yeah, I kinda, maybe, I don't know if I had some fear, I, I, I don't know, I don't know if I had fear of that.


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[Assistant] You definitely think, oh, people think you're just, yeaah, you're just riding that guy's wiener, you know? Yeaah. Somebody, yeaah. Uhm, but also he's like,


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[Assistant] Four sets a night in the same building that you can go do, I mean that's, that's unprecedented, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, I think having that much ability to get up is, it starts to change you, you're like, oh I just practiced it, it didn't go in there, let me, let me try to, you're like right there. You can't get the bomb four times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by prize picks. Do you love firing on sports? Well, prize picks is the best daily fantasy sports app for you. Indeed. You can fire on all your favorite fantasy sports like NBA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. With prize picks, instead of choosing teams, you choose individual players. That's what I like about it. It's novel. It has a unique approach. Each player has a set projection and you either choose more or less than that set projection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For example, you might choose the kitty cat, Mr. George Kittle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And more than 70 receiving yards, or you might choose Lamar Jackson and less than two and a half touchdowns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PrizePix is the place you do it at. If you are smart with sports and you know what players are going to perform on what nights, then PrizePix is the best app for you. Download the app and use code Theo and PrizePix will match your deposit up to $100.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cold turkey. It might be great on sandwiches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's a better way to break your habits, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not talking about some weird mind voodoo or seancing or something from your crazy neighbor who's really just trying to do some Mary Kay sales or whatever and trying to be sneaky, but we're talking about our sponsor, Fume. That's right. And they look at the problem in a different way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not everything in a bad habit is wrong. So instead of a drastic, uncomfortable change, why not just remove the bad from your habit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get it. Instead of bad, fume is good. It's a habit you're free to enjoy and makes replacing your bad habit easy. Instead of vapor, fume uses flavored air. Instead of electronics, fume is completely natural and instead of harmful chemicals, fume uses delicious flavors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right. Start the year off right with the good habit by going to tryfume.com slash Theo and getting the journey pack today. Fume is giving listeners of the show 10% off when they use my code Theo to help make starting the good habit that much easier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's wild, dude. What has been, like, did you find a house immediately? How'd you find a house down here?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's crazy, dude. Bro, cause here's the craziest part about that getting married like that is you, what if you know your parents are fucking lames dude, like they've been picking shit out for you for Christmas every year, and they pick out like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy's out of his fucking mind. That's good stuff. Uhm, yeah dude, uh, what were we talking about? Was it islands? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, my house was furnished when I got my house, thank God. And uh, and then,


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[Assistant] Who told me? Oh, Tom Segura told me. In this room, he said, hey man, you gotta start getting some art for yourself. You have to get something you like. Cause it really does start to change the way that you think about your own home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's got art, he's got sneakers, he's got, uh, Yamara, uh, what the car is called, the fastest one? McLaren. McLaren, is that it? Yeah. That's wild to me.


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[Assistant] I think I would be scared to be like real rich. I wouldn't know how to do it. I bet you're alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I think I'm okay having more money for sure, but I think if I tried to be real rich, I just don't know how I would, I don't know what I would spend money on, you know? Like would you get a super fast car?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, I'm afraid to drive fast. Yeaah, yeaah, I think yeaah.


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[Assistant] I just don't know what I would get. Probably guns, probably. Couple. You gotta get guns.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I just wonder what, yeah, I guess I hadn't really thought about what I would spend, what I would buy, like if I bought myself something nice.


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[Assistant] You know? Have you started to think, I mean, well you got yourself a house. Yeah, I rented it. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Those are scary though, I'd rather go fast than get more of those. Yeah, but if you really master the art of it, I got a buddy that used to fly one and he'd keep fucking, that bitch would show the fuck up on me.


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[Assistant] I think you gotta get one of those deep. Yeah, pull up some crashes. You gotta pull up some deep.


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[Assistant] And some of them run on diesel I think, huh? They catch fire too. Yeah? Yeah. It's scary. What's that in your four year old's bedroom? A hot air balloon, huh?


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[Assistant] The wind's picked up. Sometimes if people have a really thick sun, their nickname is always like a starchy food. You ever notice that? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Dude, fly it past like, uh, like the, uh, Bayou Classic or something every year. Get him fired up.


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[Assistant] Both the Union and Confederacy used hot air balloons for reconnaissance to help determine the location of troops and artillery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been in one. Really? Yeah, I've been in one. Uh, I was with my buddy's dad when we were kids. He like proposed to this lady in one, dude. With the kids? Yeah, and she said no.


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[Assistant] And so then we're like, well what the fuck, we're- That's a tough rest of the trip. Yeah, and we were trying not to like act excited because we're in there because we could tell he was bummed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm trying to be sad. Oh, it was sad, dude. And that guy's always, he's been sad since then. There's a lot of videos of him online, and he's always listening to that song, uhm. There goes my hero.


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[Assistant] Just seeing his old self. That's the man I used to be. Yea, Tiffany was his girlfriend's name. And she was like, I don't think so.


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[Assistant] It's like, yea, and it was like 70 more minutes we had to spend up there. Cause the tour guy, I think he didn't really play, know what was going on. So he just kept giving us the tour of like the- Oh no. Yea. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that kid was from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I don't know if we talked about that last time we were together.


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[Assistant] But, that kid was just partying and he jumped off and never seen it again.


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[Assistant] But the craziest is people are like, that's a shark. There's like one little piece of like water and it just looks like some white and like definite shark. People make like comments like that online. Oh, crazy.


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[Assistant] You know? Dude, something like that happened to me man. It was when we had a guy who fell on a basketball court and died when we were kids.


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[Assistant] And when he fell, I yelled out, like, Reggie Lewis. Remember that guy, Reggie Lewis, that had died? No. Reggie Lewis, look him up if you can. Reggie Lewis. That's him right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reginald C. Lewis was an American professional basketball player for the NBA's Boston Celtics. That was it. Beautiful man right there. And he collapsed on the court. Who was, there was another guy that did that too. That was like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it happens to people, but yeaah, this happened to him, and so we thought this guy just fallen down and tripped, and so I remember yelling that out, Reggie Lewis.


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[Assistant] I didn't jinx him. Look up if I jinxed him or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think you jinxed it. Yeaah, that's heart breaking though. I'm sorry that I did that.


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[Assistant] How's it, have you felt good about moving here? Now once you moved here, was it kind of like different or was it different than you thought? Like what are some things that were kind of cool about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's just part of the American condition these days then. Oh, you're fine then. Yeah, that was all.


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[Assistant] And then there's not a lot, as many other rooms around the area, but here it's like, yeah, it feels like you could go. Like we met a guy last night, he'd done like five spots, you know? Yeah, you can do that here. It's like, wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's crazy to think you could do that in a city. I mean, there was never maybe Chicago you could do that in. Maybe, I don't know. New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, what about that, there was something I was looking at the other day. It was a, uhm, pull up that, what's that death page on Twitter where they have a lot of deaths on there? It's an animal. I thought I might have even sent it to you the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This elephant, right? The hanging of Mary the Elephant, also known as Murderous Mary, I guess a bad elephant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was publicly executed for killing her handler in 1916. It was meant to be a warning to other criminal elephants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it just, you gotta think the judicial abilities of human beings is always... Why? But I guess if you're another elephant, you gotta be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, not this b-uh. Murderous Mary, not this b-uh. Have you seen what she's f***ing doin'? She probably did.


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[Assistant] When you see people do like, uhm, that stone ground, uh, flower and stuff. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Is Elephant a euphemism for somebody? Because, let's go back and read this. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral to attack her corpse. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Odisha, India. Bizarre animal stories are heard often. Maya Murmu was collecting water in Rai Pai village located in the Mayurbanj.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mairan Bhanj, district of Odisha, India. When a herd of elephants came her way, she tried to flee but one of them rushed her. Wow, that's heartbreaking, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see. At the ceremony that was taking place, the Times-Vinnie reported that a herd of elephants appeared from the forest, sending villagers running. They left Mermu's body behind. Wow. She had a liquid death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the elephants did reportedly attack the woman's court by picking up the body and throwing it in the air.


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[Assistant] Hmm, thankfully there's a video. Should I play it? Yeah. I don't know, let's take a vote in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now, you think it's just an empty bottle of prime on your child's window sill? Well, open it up and bam, there's some homemade lean topped off with a little mini cache of nerve gas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you could do a murder or not, man, I know God wouldn't want me to do it. That would be the thing. He would be like, don't do it, buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should have tables that are like God resistant or whatever, like whatever happens under here, you know? Yeah. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember a girl, let me feel her back one time at the library when we're kind of horny children or whatever. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shhh. I guess she didn't want me touching her breasts. Whatever I think, maybe. I don't, I don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was going on? Back's good. She's like, you can feel on my back. Back's real good. And I just remember just feeling her back. I'ma be a back man now that you mention it. Fucking nice, huh? Rubbin' a lady's back? It's one big flat long tit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? Yeah, let me get that flat, let me get that. The small, the small of the back, put your hand there, you go, holy shit. Oh dude, if you touched one the small of her back, and her body, her, she, it felt warmer there, you're like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it felt like she was baking cookies in her butt or something. Yeaah. It felt always warmer there, you know what I'm talking about? It is warm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I don't care, I'll fuckin' pet this girl. Yeah, I don't mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting tricked by some of that ass pussy. Search girl, hairy ass girl. Yea bring something up. You're gonna see that. We have blockers on a lot of our stuff, but if you can get around some of it. Maybe on Twitter. Are you allowed to show hairy ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My girlfriend has a lot of hair on her ass. How do I approach this? Great question. Let's review this. Do you have a minute? The problem is that her asshole is very hairy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it bothers you so much that you can't be with her because of it, you have to straight up tell her about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, you gotta straight up tell her about it. Period. Honey, your hairy asshole disturbs me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did you all start taking care of your nether regions? Did you read about it in a magazine or you just do it naturally? How should I approach this topic with her without getting her upset?


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[Assistant] There's a video of that, and it's... A New York synagogue erupted in a chaos Monday night. Let's play a bit of it.


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[Assistant] Well let's finish it out then. Let's finish out and then we'll go to this because I think...


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[Assistant] Well, I think the tough- Well, some people, they make hair on their bodies to survive cold weather. Can you look that up, Zach?


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[Assistant] You can't see this video on the audio, but there's just a black girl watching it with her mouth open.


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[Assistant] I told you dude, they have Greek man's ass. Wow, and what, who has that? Who has the most hair on their ass, is it?


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[Assistant] Look that up. And what do you do? How do you approach that? How do you approach that with a woman? I don't know how. I would never. But you've obviously dealt with it.


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[Assistant] Wow. Yeah, I think, God, I just, cause the crazy thing, say if you feel it down our butt, and then you feel some


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[Assistant] You know, I think a lot of people do that. A lot of people. Oh, I was, even if they're not gaining weight or whatever, I think I was in, I stayed with a girl just because I hated her so much.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's crazy, man. God. Yeah, but then, but then I bet here, now we'll say this Shane, think about a long time ago, 1300s, fours, or whenever, early, right? And you get a woman and she has hair on her. Bet it feels good. I bet it does feel good. You know?


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[Assistant] So that's good. Now if you're a fucking freak and you start petting it a little, I-


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[Assistant] Some of it is how you approach it. I can see that. You're like, ah, let me pet this fucking little hair, hair butt.


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[Assistant] That's fun, dude. Dude, I got hair like on my legs and I've been running a lot, bro, and it starts to get tangled up and I'm like, what the heck? And that's been pretty challenging.


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[Assistant] Do you wish you'd learned how to manage money in school? I do. God, I ain't, you know, I was keeping up my money and...


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[Assistant] My dang underpants drawer and all of that. I forgot to cash checks, I need to cash them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I had dang 40 checks and the pizza place I worked at went out of business and I lost a lot of that money, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard, it's hard if you don't know about money, building credit and that sort of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I can tell you that the build card from current.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll make banking and crediting a lot easier. When you get the build card from Current, you can build credit safely while you bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right, it's a secured credit card that lets you use your own money to build credit. Yeah, they've got one coming to me, this build card from Current.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm excited to check that out. You can sign up in less than two minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get started today and use code Theo to get $50 when you set up a qualifying $200 direct deposit at sign in.


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[Assistant] Just go to Current.com slash Theo or download the app today.


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[Assistant] Current is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking service provided by Choice Financial Group, member FDIC and Cross River Bank, member FDIC. For full terms and conditions, visit current.com or call 888-851-1172 for more information. Today's episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a new year and a new beginning. People say that kind of stuff a lot. Sometimes you need a new beginning with yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, sometimes I find my relationship with myself has gotten kinda stale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't investigate it, I don't look at it, and I don't really kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aim to fix some of the things that I know could help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Help me feel better, really. Better health is an opportunity to take a better look at yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Via therapy, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, if you don't, if you're not getting something out of your therapy, then I recommend trying to switch therapists. You can always go back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something that I, I wish I had done, uh, sometimes and I didn't celebrate the progress you've already made by visiting betterhelp.com slash T H E O today to get 10% off your first month. That's better H E L P.com slash Theo. But yeah, bring up those Jews again, man. What were they doing?


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[Assistant] They do get after it. Oh, they're crazy. Look at this one, dude.


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[Assistant] This is an orthodox Jewish group, man. This incident, let me read the article. So the incident began Monday afternoon after a cement truck was sent to the Chabad Lubavitch world headquarters, known as the 770 due to its address in Crown Heights, according to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First reports of the tunnel surface in late 2023 after a homeowner had called authorities about suspicious noises in his neighborhood.


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[Assistant] And that's dreidling, isn't it, I think? I mean, think of hearing noises under your house. Just Jewish guys. It's just somebody listening to modest yahoo.


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[Assistant] However, following excavation, the underground tunnel had been discovered. The tunnel had reportedly been worked on during nights for an unknown amount of time, stretching the tunnel to a next-door building. Women's section. Ah.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, that was part of it too I think, so there's probably some anger from him because they had to pick up so much stuff like they do like a cleansing I guess?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. Yeah, getting all new stuff, man. Uhm, but they had this, is this, they had a group in, I don't know if it was in New York, it was like orthodox Jewish people, they would move into a neighborhood, bring the value of the neighborhood down, and then,


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[Assistant] Uhm, buy up the other places and then bring it back up.


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[Assistant] There was some law again, uh, it was like a lawsuit that they made? Or something? Uhm, anyway.


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[Assistant] Did you see the one, there's like some guy in his trailer, right? And a method comes up through just like the vent in the floor that he has, like, you know, like, and it's like looking for something.


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[Assistant] And the guy's like, what in the fuck are you doing in here?


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[Assistant] You big boss man, you look like the big boss man. I mean, obviously you're gonna play him in a bio, uh, biopic.


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[Assistant] Just zoom in on that big with the one you already have that's biggest, please, if you don't mind. Let's just get a gander at this fella. Oh, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, that's your hot air balloon of success right there. Jump on that.


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[Assistant] For those of you who don't know, Shane put like a, uh, he made, he put, he saw this.


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[Assistant] So you hit up Gabe Davis and he says, okay, this is crazy, I'll do it. How many times did you hit up Gabe Davis? A lot. Okay.


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[Assistant] Uh, that's fucking crazy. But that had to be unbelievable, dude. I think there's just something crazy if you can have an influence on sports, cause sports are such like this, like...


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[Assistant] It just feels like such this, I guess every man wants to do it.


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[Assistant] I know you'd give anything to be able to run and catch it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wonder how I'd get out of prison, probably. I'd, first of all, I'd go in as a woman.


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[Assistant] That's good. People are like, you ain't no woman, bitch. That's what somebody would say to me. I'd be like... What?


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[Assistant] But these days you can't say, I guess, you're not a woman, you know? Well, here's what I think they should do, and I thought about this a lot, like...


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[Assistant] Especially, I don't understand why mixed martial arts doesn't start with a, um, a trans division.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because it's like, then you can champion these trans fighters. You can let them embrace and share what it's like. Cause otherwise you're just kind of hodgepodge in a man, you know? And then it's a lot of dudes, if they really want to go play ball, they're going to have to go play ball. You can't just, you know, simp over to the woman side, you know?


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[Assistant] You gotta actually, like if they had a trans division, I would pay, I feel like I would pay $4 extra a month to see the trans bouts. Or, you know, I feel like it would be, it'd be unprecedented. It'd be fun.


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[Assistant] God, see that would be, that is a reason I think I would go experiment with transing or whatever, because you get to get in those showers, dude. But I bet in some of the sports it's- It's not that real.


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[Assistant] But you'd have to get your breast pierced probably to like at least blend, you know, cause some of the chicks are tough nowadays and then you probably have to draw on a little more tit or use like a shadowing cream.


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[Assistant] So. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. What are we doing?


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[Assistant] Oh man, what else can we talk about, dude? Anything else in the news act?


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[Assistant] Well dude, that's what they said, you know, they had that article, and we've talked about this before. This says, the non-profit consumer group said on Thursday that 84 out of 85 super...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Supermarket foods and fast foods that recently tested contain plasticizers known as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thalates. Thalates? Thalates. A chemical used to make plastic more durable.


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[Assistant] Well, this is one of the issues that say, uhm, it says phthalates and vif- vif- vice- vice- vicephenols can disrupt the production and regulation of estrogen and other hormones, potentially boosting the risk of birth defects, cancer, diabetes, infertility,


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[Assistant] Neurodevelopment disorders, obesity, and other health problems.


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[Assistant] And if there's so much contamination just like in the land, in the water, that's what's making like people sick.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what else? ADHD, uh, genetic disorders, all kinds of stuff. Like Bobby Kennedy talks about that. Yeah. About how many things are linked to it, you know? Yeah. That he thinks anyway. We might have got in under the buzzer.


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[Assistant] Everybody you meet has an autistic child now. It's unbelievable. You know, it's almost, uhm...


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[Assistant] You know, and people have nicknames. Here's our, this is our little ring cam. They call them or something, you know, like, cause a lot of them are really like perceptive, you know, but they don't really say much. Uhm.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's unbelievable. But that's why I wanted to come out. Sometimes I think about, what if we made like a product or something that we knew wouldn't have that in it?


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Oh, definitely. Yeah, I think a lot of the business is now run by, like,


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[Assistant] People that, some people say could have some autism. You know, a lot of, there's a lot of speculation that Jeff Bezos has it. Zuckerberg, Bezos, Musk. Zuckerberg, definitely. Musk, uhm, yeaah. Certainly seems like he has some. Who else, dude? Dennis Allen that coaches the Saints? Uhm, who else?


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[Assistant] Oh, that's a, that guy definitely got it, huh? Oh, you, look, peep through your child's lunchable. Oh, you think that's just a small stack of ham? Nah, look under there. That's a gram of methamphetamines. Like, damn, Eric.


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[Assistant] There's a party in that kid's room. Every time. That kid lives in Las Vegas, dude. Do you think about moving back from here? You think you're settled in, you're good? I don't know, I don't think I'll live here forever.


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[Assistant] Uhm. It depends, yea. It depends how shitty things are in the next ten years. Yea, what do you think the next ten years of life is like in America? Do you think it gets bad? I don't know.


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[Assistant] Other bums. There's a lot of bums. Yeaah, I say armum.


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[Assistant] That's where I'm at. And send them all towards the big, like, businesses. That's what I would do.


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[Assistant] What type of, what type of arms? Something if they're well behaved, it turns into a weapon.


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[Assistant] Oh, I'm talking, give him the fucking, uh, uh, the Donatello eye, uh, the eye, um, what's it called? A rag for your eyes, like a thing that holds your eyes in, but it doesn't. It's like a- Zorro mask. Yea, Zorro mask. That would be good. And lead him, they're gonna need leaders. You could do it. You think I can lead the Bumps?


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[Assistant] Somebody rolls up on a horse. Yeah, definitely.


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[Assistant] Well, they've been infected by so much, they've battled so many things. We got tased after a show in, uh, Shreveport.


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[Assistant] And uh, and here's the crazy part, I-I-I-I-I-I started doing comedy in Louisiana and so we go to sometimes Shreveport and afterwards,


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[Assistant] This was four, fifteen years ago. They'd say, hey man, we'll taze you if you want. You know, the cops would come up and taze people in the bar. Cause there's, there's not a lot of like, uh, nightlife.


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[Assistant] Show's over, we're sitting around with a couple of officers in one of them goes.


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[Assistant] Uhm, with a couple of off-duty police people. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And one of them goes, hey man, we'll tage you if you want. And I was like, no fucking way. You guys are still doing that shit.


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[Assistant] And they lit us all up. We got it together as a group in locked arms or whatever. Like a Harvey Milk kind of thing. And then they, uhm, lit us up.


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[Assistant] How'd it feel? Did it hurt? You know, it's not as bad as you would think. At all. At all. It's definitely a little bit of a surprise, you know? See, I feel weird. It feels like somebody in the fucking, like, great beyond pressed a fucking doorbell that you didn't know was connected to you. You know? Yeah. It's actually really...


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[Assistant] But the pain, it's not as painful, it's just as surprising as could be. It's like extremely surprising. They can go through the tasers.


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[Assistant] They can go through a lot. Well, they're immune to a lot of disease. Yeaah. Well, at a certain point, that would be a lot of society too. You know, we'd all be out there just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wouldn't be, you'd be immune to all the things because you are still alive on the streets. And you'd want to probably strike back against the rich.


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[Assistant] That's a question I wanna know. And that's a big question.


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[Assistant] We're taking that up. The bum's rising up on 6. Okay, now that's, if we take 6th Street out, that would be, now, that I like. Yea. And you're gonna recruit a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, lot of talented young people. You could probably get, you know, some of the Texas Longhorns, maybe. Ooh, that'd be good. Yep. Queen Ewers, he's staying another year, he'd join probably.


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[Assistant] Uhm. I thought we were just recruiting, uh, homeless people. But I think other people are gonna get jealous when they start to see you doing well. They're like, ah, fuck, I'll do it. The masks and the swords and shit. Yeah, cause SIG-F is gonna be nothing against a fucking homeless battalion.


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[Assistant] No, they won't change. Yes, they will, dude. No, they won't. I've seen them support each other. I've seen- I saw-


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[Assistant] Uh, a bum, hi- like living in a sofa, like in the cushion, in the bottom part, and I saw a guy come and tuck him into bed one night in the park near my house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't see that in America anymore. Dude, they had some bums by us, cause we live right by a park, and they stole a bunch of high school music equipment, I guess.


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[Assistant] It's fuckin' sick. But so, dude, so the first, what do you, so, okay, so you say you meet up at the Comedy Mothership? I'm saying that, yea, I think that's a good location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can meet up out front of it. Well I think you have to pick like five or six places in the Americas to meet up.


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[Assistant] So I think you're going to have for sure. K&A in Philadelphia. That's the street. It is? Yea. K&A in Philly? Yea. Kensington. Kensington and? And what? Allegheny. And Allegheny. Yea. You get em, you get em in there. Bro, crossing the Allegheny that goes all the way back to the 1912 dude. Yea.


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[Assistant] Oh hell yeaah, it says no one deserves what's brewing in Kensington. Now the tough part is to keep your army excited, you are gonna need uhm, over the counter meds probably.


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[Assistant] Or under the counter, I don't know which one it is. I think, I think they're getting over. Okay. I think over the counter led them there. But it's crazy that the, the people who are, cause society has led people to believe, you know, be in this space, you know? Yeah, my bad on saying we should


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, you're never gonna be able to beat fucking Little Debbie or fucking Nextel or any of these. Facebook. If you can't take out, uh, a comedy club.


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[Assistant] Do you feel like we could really end up in our lifetime as heading to a revolution or some sort of a uhm...


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[Assistant] Like a place where the sh- where people, where it all topples over, you know? Cause all it takes is really, I've thought about this, all it takes is a poli- like, a couple of people like at a poli- like police stations, all it takes is a couple people to be like, hey f- I'm not gonna follow the rules anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And once they, and then other people are like, I'm not gonna, if this guy's, and then it's just nobody's, cause we're kind of getting there it feels like, you know? I feel like kind of people just kind of...


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[Assistant] Or like, if nobody's gonna follow the rules, then why do everybody's kinda getting there? It feels like sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong.


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[Assistant] You know, maybe I'm just making it exciting for the conversation, I don't know.


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[Assistant] But at a certain point, if enough people say, okay, I'm not going to drive within the lines, right? I'm not going to follow the speed limit. It's almost just like that.


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[Assistant] Like every now and then, like- That has immediate consequences for whoever's doing it. They're gonna crash. Usually.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you just wonder what's gonna happen, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else can we talk about? What's going on with you? What's going on with me, man? Not too much, dude. What's going on? Uh, yeah, thinking about touring and just how to do it, you know? That's been something. I was thinking about, uh, yeah, I've been thinking about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just feels like more manageable to me. And, uh.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. So that, I think, I've been thinking about that. Uhm.


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[Assistant] What else? I've been thinking about getting s- building like a halfway house or something like that. That'd be nice. Yea, that'd be pretty cool. Yea. And then those people could be in the military. Those are our officers, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's our officer training school. Yeah, dude, definitely. So, I mean, honestly, that's something I've been thinking a lot about. What else on a personal, like on a personal side? Not much, dude. Supposed to go to Ayahuasca. Really? Yeah, in a couple days. In a couple days?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're doing ayahuasca? Oh, you can smell that, yeaah. I mean, there's a Popeye's, like, fucking, probably, no joke, 600 yards away. Oh, that's gotta be so nice. Well, twice a day, I guess they do the biscuit bakes or whatever. High as shit smelling that. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, what does it feel like? You know, like you say, if somebody was playing basketball, you were playing basketball in an attic of a house, right?


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[Assistant] It would feel kind of weird, maybe, because you're like, the floor feels like, oh, it's, but if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This feels like you're playing like basketball, like in the, like in a, like on the first level. Like it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That didn't make any sense, but it feels like, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just crazy, yeah. I mean it's like God shows up and you're fucking sitting there with him, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the exact same guy. So that's the thing I think I wanted to see. Yeah, I just wanted to wear off. It's been like a year and a half since I did it. Yeah. So, I've been thinking about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I've been thinking about that. I don't know, sometimes I think about maybe moving or getting a, also living somewhere else. I think it's fun to spend time down here. Austin is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot of neat stuff. There's a lot of neat stuff, I think. So that's been pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think it's just, yea, thinking about like who would be fun to talk to on podcasts. Stuff like that, just the normal stuff. Yea, yea, I don't, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know anything you can think of, Zach, that you noticed from an outsider's perspective?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About you? Yeah, sometimes I'm just so in my own life, you know, you don't know what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's not funny, dude, I'm talking to myself, cause I just laughed, but, uhm, yeah, she and her boyfriend killed the mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the mom made her pretend that she was like mentally challenged and stuff in a wheelchair and physically handicapped.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's like a TV series about it. There's been a lot of information about it. But she's also from Louisiana, so I was like, I wonder if it'd be interesting to talk with her and just see, like, what...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think that's what they, yeah, and her boyfriend, I think, oh, she like, met a guy somewhere and his name, yeah, and they made love somewhere too.


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[Assistant] He looks like he's growing his beard out just so he can eat it. That's the kind of look that he has.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, anyway, yea, that's, that's her, but we tried to get a carnival worker, and what problem did we run into?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then if they die, probably making a little, little bitty like, filets with them. Yeah. They probably march those. Oh, definitely snacking on those bitches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but that's uh, so we've been looking for a carnivore cause the problem with carniv- carnival people is carn- uh, the carnival's going fucking AWOL, man. They don't have any animals anymore. First of all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a lot of virtual shit and like gay guys like pretending to be animals. Which you can get in fucking anywhere. You can get that in Miami or Bourbon Street. Uhm, and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very, I guess, more Disney on Ice or something. You can't find any of the good motherfuckers, you know? Like I remember there was a guy, I was, we used to live by the fair that would come through town, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you went the day early for it open, for a quarter, you could do a ride, right? And you were basically practicing. You were, people would disappear. People would go fucking missing. People would get wifed up. You know, you're fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicks would get wiped up by a lot of these carnival workers and everything, but...


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[Assistant] Uhm, you could go practice, you know? And like I remember one time I was getting off of a ride and I guess I grabbed two like rails at the same time and it completed a circuit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, get on out of here. And he called me the N word. He put my foot, he put his foot on my back and thank God.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's the sad- that's one of the worst things that happens when people are getting electrocuted is people like call them pussies a lot or like quit doing all that gay shit. People say stuff like that and you're like- Quit shaking. What are you shaking for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go sit in the car or, now what if your girl tased the fucking dude and this started- That would be awesome. And started yelling just like biggie lyrics out of his shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I think having your girl, knowing your girl is Taser ready is fuckin' hype shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's ridiculous. My buddy took me to watch his son play football, right? And there's this band of women behind us, okay? One of them has a megaphone that doesn't fucking, it just makes them sound like Stephen Hawking, right? So it's just some lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some people used to call it that and some people still do call it that. I wonder if they still do. Is there a, uh, is there an actual little person football league or not? It's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what always gets me every year is that video of the blonde guy playing football that comes up.


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[Assistant] No, it's not funny because the guys bind. It's funny because... It just goes exactly how you think it's gonna go.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and the reporter pretends, this is what's funny about it, is the reporter's what makes it fucking ridiculous. Cause they're like, hey, this makes perfect normal sense and safety for this guy. And then they watch the play and pretend like it's fucking not insane.


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[Assistant] Sherbert. Big dudes always have nicknames like Sherbert. Look at that. Ooh, she's pissed, huh?


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[Assistant] Yeah, can we, uh, bring up the news or just play the news story?


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[Assistant] Bro, imagine though, this is wild though. If he is blind, then he could play a total different defense you can't even expect.


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[Assistant] Cause you expect a normal defense. You know, you expect certain lanes in this shit like that. That guy.


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[Assistant] You couldn't penalize him for some of those like, poaching or whatever they get, those penalties, you know?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would love to see what this guy's up to and how- what it was like for him. Dude, how brave to run when you're bl- like, you know? Just run as fast as you can when you're fucking blind.


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[Assistant] Fuck, that's brave shit, dude. That's the kind of shit we need in this country. Meanwhile, we have a bunch of fucking mathematics arming themselves out of a T-Mobile. Because we told them to, dude.


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[Assistant] Any other news, Zach? You think we covered everything? Shane lives in Austin now. Yeah. Uhm. We had one other video we were watching. Like this.


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[Assistant] This is, so one of the problems that's happening in society is people can't afford Ubers anymore. And so here, this is, this happened I think in uhm, this looks like New Hampshire.


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[Assistant] And this is people on meds, this is people not having any hope, probably.


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[Assistant] If you look around, you go, there's no hope. Well yea, and Uber's at a certain point, it's just all...


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[Assistant] It's just going to be a bunch of lords in their castles. The rest of us will be all Ubering each other. It'd be the only job. But everybody's Ubering, so nobody is a passenger. Nobody's breaking even. We're all just breaking even on this.


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[Assistant] Hold on, God wants us to watch it one more time.


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[Assistant] Hey, let's find out who that is and let's also get him on the next solo. Those three guys I wanna know. Dillion Collier, the guy Jordan Matthews, Chase Matthews I think was his name. Puke Man? Yep, the guy that puked on the baby girl.


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[Assistant] Little kid? Yeaah. Wonder what the kid's doing now too. It'd be crazy to see if that influenced him somehow. You know, if he worked with bulimia or something.


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[Assistant] To prevent anybody from vomiting. Esophageal cancer maybe? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, what else we got? Zach, anything else? How long have we been in here? A while? Not two hours. Oh wow, really? Oh shit. Okay. That's good. Uhm, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Yes. With Matt McCusker, Shane Gillis. Uhm, Matt's gotta come on next time with you, man. Yeaah, he's uh. I had so much fun in you guys' show. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] But still dude, McCusker's last stand and he fucking, we'll never forget when he fucking commandeered those three T-Mobile outlets in the middle of the night.


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[Assistant] So they give him some of that credit. He gets a lot of credit.


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[Assistant] He was the man. He started, so he really inspired, so he actually made a physical motion to say, hey, let's do this. We gotta get rid of slavery. Right. Wow. And they hung him.


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[Assistant] Where is he buried at? He's from... Kansas? Assumption? Yea.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That would be pretty cool. But I don't know who does that kind of work, seance-ery or whatever.


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[Assistant] Uhm, welcome to town, man. Are you touring this year? What else is going on? Just so people know.


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[Assistant] Hopefully that sells some tickets. Oh my gosh, I think Louis said that's his favorite place to go do a show. Really? Yea. I think I would like to maybe try that this year. That's so exciting, dude.


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[Assistant] Some of those looked amazing, like some of those, some of those were really amazing. Do you like doing the outdoor? When we did one in Edmonton, it was tough. Uhm, it was fun, it's just different.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, what's been one of the toughest things about getting more popular? You've just had such a crazy, I mean, you've...


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[Assistant] You did it somehow. You made it. I mean, I know how, but it's just like, you know, you've just gotten popular. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, maybe it's just weird. Yeah, I was just curious.


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[Assistant] Oh, there's one with you and Trump, dude, that's sick. You were there. Oh, we talked about that last time. You were there. Yeah. Yeah. We talked about that last time. Oh yeah, you, I don't think I was sitting, I was sitting further away from you guys though. Yeah, you were... You went to like the first one Trump ever came to, I think.


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[Assistant] Max Crosby's a cool guy. Yeaah. I think that was him.


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[Assistant] And his brother too. I don't know what his brother's name is. Miles. Miles. I met Miles too one time.


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[Assistant] You just get to do TikToks and just buy sweaters and shit and your brother's fucking out there killing it. That's gotta be nice. That's awesome. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's the guy. Right, I agree. And I spoke with him about this one time, and he, I think, decided he will be offshore in a boat looking back at America. I think so. And that's what a lot of-


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[Assistant] Ambiguous guys, you guys are in. Oh, that'd be sick, dude. Two people with, like, uh, those little things. Yeah, Jeff Donovan, uh.


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[Assistant] Uhm, thanks Shane for coming in man, I appreciate it man. Thank you dude. Yep, talk to you later brother.


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[Assistant] Did you see that? They said, uh, I think it was Jay-Z's Big Pimpin' video was filmed on Epstein Island. Nah, I saw it. No, it was Fiesta.


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[Assistant] Fiesta, yeah. With R Kelly. R Kelly, yeah. Fiesta, fiesta.


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[Assistant] Yes. They released it. It's fucking crazy. It's very scary. Yeah, it's sad. It's scary.


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[Assistant] I'm getting better. I feel better. You're just emotional? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he skipped all the middle tweens.


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[Assistant] Uh, Tris, Chris Elliott, not Chris Elliott, Christopher Lloyd.


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[Assistant] I made you stop the bottle first, like when you're 20s.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the inner voice. Some people don't have inner voices, did you know? Ah, yeah. That's crazy.


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[Assistant] You ever watch the people who do it like, the people who really do it all the time? Their face is like melting. Yea, they like fish out. Yea.


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[Assistant] I was talking about this the other day, I used to be plus 400 plus pounds. How'd you whittle it down? Uh, I was watching My 600 Pound Life a lot, and I was like, they're doing a lot of things that I'm doing, and I don't like that.


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[Assistant] No man, it wasn't, I wouldn't even get, it would be a pizza and then like a, uh, the, the stuffed bread, the stuffed cheesy bread, cause I know I can eat a whole pizza and I, because I know I can eat two pizzas, I'm gonna get the cheesy bread instead of just like two pizzas.


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[Assistant] Dude I agree. You don't want it to take up actual physical space.


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[Assistant] Now we're interviewing you, Lamar. You wanna know what, I was, there was like, they were in a car, like sometimes they'd be in the car, they'd hit McDonald's, and then they'd go home, and eat more food, and they're like, oh yeaah, I do that all the time. Sometimes you hit a double McDonald's, you know?


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[Assistant] You get, you get one place with a four Mcdouble and then you're like, that wasn't enough. So you drive down two miles, go to another place. Do you like cover your head?


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[Assistant] I didn't get the Packers until I was like, why wasn't it the Birds? And then I was like, oh, put fudge Packers.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, yeaah. Cap City Comedy Club March 19th. Please come out. That's you. That's me. That's not Optimum Noctus. Optimum Noctus is March 5th. That'll be fun. That'll be a hoot.


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[Assistant] You think the x-files is breaking, uh...