[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The spit is like, that's like, you're not coming in my car if you're spitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna choose all your life for you dude. What'd you, Francis, what'd you major in at Harvard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can edit right with the point where we're all saying edit it. Yea time stamp. That would be a good like edit point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are, they're good dude. I've heard. Why would you stop doing them at a certain hour though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you want to get a mic? Cut that part out, please. Oh, okay. Do they have one more mic? Would you kiss? Yea, try it again. Take two on that. Take two on that. Should I say that whole thing again? No, it's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty much everyone on OnlyFans, every porn star, every stripper is also a fucking prostitute. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot of black rowers. What's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where's the fucking rowing commercial trying to get diversity? True. Good point. Fuckin' late night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when a local government is just makes a decision like, we're making that nice now. They kick all the homeless and the fuck it. They're just like, we're making it nice. They build a boardwalk or something. And it's just like within two years. Yeah, they move them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the one with the cherry, with the cherry, the cherry peppers like they have in Philadelphia on those? The Eastie. I don't like the names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nouns? Are you like, look at that, gay? That'd be great to start using gay as noun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? That's all you did today in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to downplay it, but it's like, you know, Jordan, how you go to the basketball? You can't be like, you know, stop. You're one of the best ever. Lamont Jordan is a buddy of mine. Played over at, uh, the park and whatever with some kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Well, I like it. Just hang out time. It's a good hang, bro. Good episode, episode 470.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, of what? Strawberry liqueur? Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shay, can you do a sketch where you do, where you do, uh, uh, uh, dating on the spectrum and just, you just act completely like yourself? Yes. That's exactly what you do then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, big doggin'. Big doggin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. You want to take a shot of Tiger? Tiger Tarot's Aurelion? Really? Yea, somebody's like, who's titty fucking? And she reaches into her pocket and she's like, here's one, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I met the dad from ALF once. Yea? Yea, he was in front of me in line in Hermosa Beach at a Starbucks, and I was like, just fucking dad from ALF. I just nodded to him, I didn't really meet him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To his gay partner and then, gay, his happy partner. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the two exchange, the smoke, or some other guy comes in and just takes his clothes off immediately. That's a party. That's a fucking party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. That's crazy. Man, that'd be just Philip Seymour Hoffman's story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. I should do that on stage. If I don't get a joke where I'm like, I'm leaving.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that'd be awesome. I don't wanna put anything on my butt. I had a hemorrhoid, I had to put bud and medicine up there, and I never won. I used to, I beat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was on medicine, yea. Damn, dude. It's a long battle with hemorrhoid. Are you pushing on the toilet? Yea, and I sit down and edit videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to do it in secret. You can't like tell. You have to just like totally rock your wife's world before you die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I'm saying, do you think your marriage will go the distance? It's a fair question, dude. Cause we were sitting there out last night, I was laying there and all of a sudden it like, you know, you get married, I'm not married, but it fully dawned on me. Like we're going to die together. And I was like, woke up. I was like, not like at the same time, but I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't leave her if she cheated on me. Really? Hell no, dude. I guess after a while you don't care, dude. I'd fight her. I wouldn't care. I'd beat her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you get to the point, when you're in a long committed relationship, there's so much like passive aggression, like power struggles, and it's hard not to twist that into your advantage. Like, remember that one fucking time you cheated on me? It's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think about wine? Love wine. Nice. Fucking love wine. Oh yea? Yes. Funny cause some guys would call you gay for drink- I get called gay for drinking wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Children of the Corn was fantastic. Yeah, it was a great reference. I didn't even know the reference and I just was like, that's oddly specific and very funny. I saw him the other night when we were talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a moderate drinker, I love having one or two beers. I'm addicted to like two beers. Two? It's awesome. Two beers, you go home, you relax, take a hot bath. Shit dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Foodie dude. Foodie. Foodie booty. I've always wanted to be able to drink like a beer, but I always just get like crabby 40 minutes. If I like drink one beer and stop in the middle of the day, I just get like- But two and you're fine? With dinner and I go to bed. Take a hot bath and I go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty cool dude. Oysters, martinis, they eat oysters too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See how, see how she, what are the ones that's like an aphrodisiac? That's uh. I think oysters. Oh it is oysters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well do top 5 comed- like comedy wise and then like just gauge how much you like lost after them. Like 1 to 10.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, Cook always had like, rockstar body, I didn't know he got swole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. Dude, it's fucking nasty, man. Do you take the truck side or the car side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You never fucked with a rumble pack? You never experimented with a rumble pack? Oh I've had that against my penis. Go on, go on. Be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do that. Remember that commercial? Yea. What would you do for Klondike Bar? Yea. What do people usually do? What would they do for them on there? Do they ever like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I saw a guy yesterday. I'm passing, I'm driving in my car and I'm passing the bus stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy got off the bus. Homeless guy. Appeared to be homeless guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like loose jeans on. And still, I wasn't, you know, I wasn't looking for this. He had a fucking bulge that caught my eye and like loose. You know homeless guys wear jeans that are just like 19 sizes too big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. He was flapping within these like, tent of a pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started thinking, you know, so I checked it out, I was, you know, I had the light, so I fucking, I sat there, I was like, dude, that thing's, I was measuring it, I was just scanning, like, dude, that thing's fucking monstrous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started thinking, there has to be dads, nah, obviously not me, I'm straight as fuck, there has to be married dads that just secretly fuck homeless guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just there to fuck. They're like cows. Homeless dudes are just like cows for the slaughter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? Just grab him and pull him up. Take him to the hair cutter and fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, it's housing insecure. Yeaah. It's like housing insecure instead of homeless. Oh my god. Cause there's some people who aren't like, you know, you see, we see like the marketing wires of the homeless usually are just out there like top of their class. There's a lot of people who are quietly bopping around without a home but they kind of crash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually you run out of options and you're out there on the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have slave, they have slave money, like the richest 1, like 0.1% have like slave money or like, or like selling the goods of slaves, like they find out their grandfather was doing that and they feel bad and they go like, hey we're all really bad and then you get that kind of stuff. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you gonna do? You should, you know, take the arms, get physical. You should get physical about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're allowed, you're allowed to flash like a blade between your knuckles if it's like, not that big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It depends what the, if it was pump action you might be able to fool them into thinking it was real. I mean, if someone sees a gun they might run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laurie showed it to everybody last week. He pulled it off the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane's, Shane's taunted me a couple times. I've shown him my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't talk about his girth. Might be the height man for your girth, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no ass. How dare you? What the fuck is this, bro? You come down here and attack me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sexual predation stormed the west coast, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You blew them apart dude, I hope. You're disgusting. I, I just, I hope we can all, I hope we can all bang together. You're a west coast guy, right? You left, I know why you left. You were like, you saw it coming. You saw the writing on the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, me too is tight because it was for like, there was like factory workers in Detroit getting just like raped against like boiler plates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about like, this role? Yea, like being like, you can't do this role unless you blow me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Hereditary, Midsummer, and Green, what's it, what are they doing now? Green Night. Green Night. Look at the back. Look, you're gonna like it. What's it about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's great. Yeaah. I like Vin Diesel. Yeaah. Yeaah, Vin. He's my favorite actor. Vin Diesel's good. Yeaah. You like Vin Diesel?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, dude, it would be like a fucking stump grinder. I would just fucking, I would just bare down on him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump and Noah was making fun of Biden. I was like, woah, woah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a snafu because a lot of people are like, oh, it's not even a thing. It's like, but then they're like, it did come from a lab. So it is a thing. It came from a lab and it was funded by the guy who was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's kind of fucked. And you could say, well, it may be paid a bunch of labs, but it's like, all right, at least fire the guy. Like, yeah. Yeah, it's a big fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what a masterpiece does, dude. That was a forced masterpiece. They just star studded that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who do you think will win a fight? Alphina or Star Wars?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll put it to the point where girls got in charge. I kinda like Star- Then once the girls were in charge of Star Wars, I was like, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. What were the adoptive parents? The real one or the fake one? The real one. No, no, the fake. The fake said dedicated their lives to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're Italians. You're a Middle Eastern. How do you feel about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll bet you a thousand dollars. I think we petitioned the dads around us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We found it, he knew where it was. I know most people, I know moms are different now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was rugged. We were just going, I don't know why, we were just going through his parents closet. It's like looking at all their clothes and there was like a full lingerie set up. And I was like, fuck it's, it's hollowed out. We were just like, we were young enough to be like, we had to sit there and think about it for a second. We were like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretzels don't seem like they would- pretzels will give you diabetes? That's why you have gout, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. It is pretty good blood and piss and shit. That's pretty gnarly, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it is insane. It's a fucking crazy story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you really? I was prepared. I thought I was amongst friends, dude. True that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, if I can be honest with you guys, I just did mere hours ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Attorney General did a report on complaints made against me by certain women for my conduct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The report said I sexually harassed 11 women. That was the headline people heard and saw and reacted to. The reaction was outrage. It should have been. However,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fucking cop head's in full glory, dude. I have full cop head. This thing's made just, dude, if you do like a chin strap for a trooper hat, it would just by default just fit perfectly right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I uhm, dude my hair starts getting it, my bangs get in my eyes, and like I have no choice but to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I fucking hate that and I go, chop it off, and you get the big reveal cred. I'm gonna go home, my mommy's gonna see me, she's gonna go, you got a haircut man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bernie pointed that out. She was like, did your part move? And I was like, c'mon man. Then she gives me like a full inspection after a haircut. She's like staring at me like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you know, at the same time, I'm like, I needed to go high and tight. I got it in my head that people hated, I was doing stand up and I'd constantly have to move my hair and I was like, this is pissing people off. I should've just whipped it, dude. Yea, but I can't have any distractions. My hair starts hitting my face, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See I get, like when I, it's like when I get the bangs kind of binocular-ing my world, I get real forlorn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, I mean, people get pumped on it, but it's just like, it was, if it was long enough to pony, I would have ponied it and kept it pushing. But it's like, it wasn't long enough to pony, and I said, I need to be high and tight right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Multiple, multiple, uh, rubber bands in the ponytail. Yeaah. That's whale man status, dude. Man. I'm not there yet. I do want to grow a long pony, but I kind of like being high and tight and just kind of keeping it low key.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, we do. We definitely do. I'm all fucking business. I might fire- You guys mind if I fire my LinkedIn? You guys-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm walking out now. True. No, there's no fight. Dude, I'm telling you, I've...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. Man, I didn't freak out or anything, but I was thinking about that today, I'm like, I do this all the time, I grow my hair long as fuck and I go, I wanna cut it all off. And I cut it all off and go like, I wish I had long hair. I'm just a fucking mess right now, guys. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some dudes that just live their life like that. They just get hot and like try to send like horny pictures out to the world. That's gotta suck dude to see that your grandfather was like a horny picture guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always trying new stuff. One time in college, as a gag, I was having sex with a lady and I started going like, uh. I was doing girl sex noises while I was inside of her, it was pretty funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's the same stomach muscles. Yeaah. Truly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. It's also nice though to slide in some giggling and then go full stern daddy and be like, stop laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to do tantric, like, let it get there and just completely stop it and like, dude I felt like it almost like hurt my abdomen. So they were like, just, you know, come like normal but just don't let it out of your penis and I tried that and it was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to have the orgasm without any fluid loss. Without spilling it. Without any spilling the seed. And it was pain, it hurt. Yea. I was pissed, I tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can totally jerk off, don't get weird about it. That fucked me up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, last night, last night I had a fucking crank went out. I couldn't sleep. I've been having insomnia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm laying there, and it's just cum-induced insomnia. I'm just backed up. And I was like, all I gotta do is cum, I can sleep. And it was like, is that the best thing, dude? Wouldn't you be stronger?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, this is purely mechanical. Your design, not mine. I gotta get this done. Yea, no, I, I've... It's not like I feel bad, I'm just kinda like, I should be able to not do this. And then I'm like, three hours in bed like, ah, man, I need to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would you battle a guy, if a guy came up to you and was like, yo, can we talk?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I don't wanna be weird, but I've been strictly masturbating to your wife for the last three years. I just wanna let you know. I don't wanna hold this in. And then they try to be like, there's nothing you can do about it, so you're just gonna have to deal. Ooh, that part I don't like. How do you fight that battle though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I think you'd have to resort to something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tricky, that's a tricky thing to, you can't really do anything about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I were to call the president and be like, I'm masturbating to your wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I would get like, you think they would come to me, come at me or they'd be like totally within your right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But it would be, yeaah, that's kinda strange. So it would just be weird if someone shared that with you, you'd have to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was commonplace back in the day. You'd be like, you'd find the woman you wanted and you'd find out who your rivals were and you'd confront them and be like, just so you know, you have a rival in her love and it's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would just go about like showing her who was balling harder and who was better. Yea. And you would like sneak away to where you were. You should bring that back. Yea dude. The book Zanoni talks about it. The fair fucking, the fair lady has a, I forget her name, but she has like tons of suitors and rivals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean you need to have like a, your grandfather would just amass wealth that you could just be like, beat some dude to get a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depends on the babe. The dowry? Depends on the babe. I dunno. If it's like a slammin' babe, you gotta talk. I think it all took it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's also like whoever's kind of come, whoever's, cause a lot of it too would be like going into, you want to kind of like use your daughter to link you into a sick family, which


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's gotta be, I mean, you know, you get people who are like, I need a son. It's like, well, maybe we should start being a little more conscious of how we wed our daughters and back snagging. So imagine you have three daughters, you're like, dude, I'm gonna have like 60 acres.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like now you can have a neck tattoo and it's like, you know. That's a bad example, now it's normal. I hear what you're saying, I hear what you're saying. Please don't date a bar back. Whatever you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a pussy with a neck, what would you rather have, like a pussy with a neck tattoo or like a dude who's really about it with a neck tattoo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about Gran Torino. You're Gran Torino on him. I hope so. You're Clint Eastwood. Yeah. You're going to Gran Torino. Wait, Sid, what's your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fair point. I would say, uh, higher private eye. And you'll catch them doing, they'll probably cheat or something. You catch them cheating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, yeaah, that's something I wonder about. I guess you could like quietly walk up and be like, I'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to outsexual a bad a- a bad boy, you outsexual him. Yeaah. You just make him be like, this is fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, uhm, that's, there's a thing with high school age girls where they wanna have sex in their parents' bed. It's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same thing in high school. I did the same thing in high school and it was almost like, I don't want to go in there. I was like, no, we're going in this bed. I remember just being like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't see how fucked up it was at the time. I was like, whatever, I don't care what bed I'm in. Now that I think about that, I'm like, that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That was so funny, having sex when you're younger. You're just like, hhh, hhh, hhh. That's still me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to Shane today about how gassed we get. I'm like, dude, I'm like fucking gassed when I have sex. Yea, you get sweaty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Heart pound, I don't sweat, oh yea, actually yea, yes I do, and I don't sweat often. Like, hearts is pounding out of the chest, and I'm like, huh, huh, huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I pulled my groin the other day having sex. Oh, it was a continuation. My groin was messed up, I think probably from skimboarding at the beach. Were you, were you standing and kneeling? One foot on the bathtub, one foot on the toilet. I'm like, I'm on top, kneeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was working my way up to that. I had knees apart, a nice little triangle, a nice 180 degrees of power going, and my fucking left groin just slipped and went, uuuh. I was like, oh, and I just somehow just jumped back in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking posture up. She pulls me up. I just pass her guard the entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be good with a ponytail. Oh my god, dude. That's the only way I can come up. I feel my ponytail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, definitely after the movie Avatar came out. There's been girls for sure that probably make it like super butt length hair. They probably tucked it between their cheeks and went to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they don't even know it yet too. Some girls do that when they're youngsters. They go way low. Yeah, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My haircut right now? I just, there was something about how badly I need to come and that long hair didn't communicate and I went to my hair cutter and she said, what do you want to do? And I was like, make me look like I have to come really bad. Make me look sexually repressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, whenever they ask you, like, what do you want to do? I'm always like, just like I'm 10 years old, I'm like, I don't care, just cut it out. I don't care. It's the same thing you do every day. Yeah, caring about your hair is gay. Dude, it's crazy. I can never, they'd be like, how is it? And I'd look in the mirror and just be bushed. Forever. When I used to go to the hair cutter, I'd be bushed, and I'd be like, it's good. And just walk out and be like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I still to this day, 35, I'm just kinda like, what do you wanna do? It's like, I don't know. I don't know, I don't care, just fucking cut it. Just fucking kill it. When did you get it cut? Just fucking slit my neck right now. Today. Today? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady's been cutting my hair for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I thought it was, I thought they were wearing them just to look like Method Man. You're telling me there's like a pro, there's like a thing with the hair. So it's actually formulating those things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know that, I actually did not know that. I thought they just looked cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, sometimes I'll like stand on a curb and be like, man this must be cool. Be that much taller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I don't really worry about it, but it is crazy to be like 6'5 and just walk into a room and just fucking tower over everyone. It's gotta be a weird...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Say, dude, he's fucking getting too close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cool. I've never done that. I've done it only in like, if I'm driving a certain way, or if someone in the car is kind of like, giving me a look, I'm like, what the fuck are you looking at? And it's like, you know, I don't do it now, I've chilled. I've chilled in the car. I just have wicked road rage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably usually it's into the mirror. I've, uh, I've had to do a lot of, uh, like you goods too. You good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it, I get it a lot of times, like if, uh, I'll get like younger black dudes who will like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got kicked out of a casino, on an old black man. I walked past, the guy was in a, uh, slot machine and he did this. And he looked at like, did like a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A head turn? Not an upskirt, but like a butt check from like, like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was reportedly man, so maybe his belly stopped him from getting the full upskirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he started talking shit, and that's when I, I called him, I called him fat, I'm not gonna lie. Yeaah. Said you fat, and then I called him a bad word for a gay guy, very loud. And uh, and that kind of- Because you reached for the n-word in your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rrrr, fuck, nice move. And then I was like, well, how mean can I be legally? And I was like, alright, here's where we're going. And just, dude, hit him with that. And then he was kind of guffawed. And then it was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just mad dog, dude. I'm mad dog right away. Also, I do want to get into just becoming way more sexual when that happens. Just being like, I think that's the move to go from there. Cutting your hair was the wrong move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I might go like full raging short hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeah, I mean, it's something I have to stop doing. Like I can't, I can't continue this path I'm on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem for me is like, I don't even care the fact that they're looking at hers, they're doing it in front of me. So they're basically doing it to me. And I sit there and go, you motherfuckers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've made a declaration to you. Yeaah, just like, dude, what the fuck do you think this is? They're suitors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, and I don't know what the reality of this, but I think when like, if you're like a 19 year old black dude and like a fucking white guy with top head spazzes, it's just kinda like, what the fuck, what is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a, there's a window though, cause if it's like, a glance, whatever, people do it to let you know they're looking. Like stop, turn your body around, and it's just like, dude, what the fuck. It's duel time. It's duel time. It might be why there's so many duels, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, there was a lady in the grocery store recently, she had a shirt and it said, black and smart. And I was like, doubt it. It was black and smart. And I was just kinda like, sitting there like, dude that's a crazy fucking shirt to wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is your definite chief aim. Wait, what is? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, this lady had it on. I was looking at it being like, that's kinda weird. That's a weird choice. Yeah. I'm black and smart. Doubt it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you believe it? What the fuck is that? But you've never seen that before. Yea, that was, uh, that was definitely strange and I was in the way, you know, she's in my way, I had to like get like the little yogurt packets for Maya and I was sitting there like, so I had time to like study the shirt and think about it and I wanted to be like, it's fucking weird. It's a weird thing to wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you see people wear like, money shirts, it's like, that's, you're poor. That's a poor, poor thing to wear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like what do you, like what do you- I should have IQ tested her on the spot. Right? You should have. Let's see what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, well I would have done IQ, EQ, SQ, I would have done like emotional, Q, spiritual, quotient, and then I would have tested her physically. I would have tested all aspects of her intelligence. Put the cones down, like alright, go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that shirt threw me for a loop. Dude, also in uh, racially related news. What was the font before you go? Dude, so uhm, fuck, what was the- Curse you, Anne. Yeah, I wonder if the shirt too was creepy. No, it was in the 90s. You know those uhm-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know like save, you know like 90s, uh, fuck, I guess like Spike Lee in the 90s, there would be those shirts with like the save by the bell designs almost, like intricate kind of patterns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it was that and then it said like black and smart and kind of like block lettering. So it was like an old school design. It was like kid and play design. It was a picture of Africa wearing glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just stared at this lady for 20 seconds to get yogurt being like, come on, you're done, get out of my way. Dude, so we went to a, um, did a little, what the hell are you guys doing back there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually watched a guy drop a knowledge about not eating. Like he's like, you definitely don't need to eat. But he's been doing it. He doesn't, he eats like once every two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yes, dude. He's running purely on Prana. He's a breatharian. Dude ruled. That guy fucking ruled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ripped ass, no, ripped ass breathing area. Strictly breathe, strictly breathing. Yea, he was a ripped ass breathing area and explaining how he started it and he was like, yea man, I was 180 pounds, now I'm 160 pounds and uh, pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yea, growing up his mom had like multiple frigerators everywhere, so like we were stocked at all times on food. He's like, so I grew up like that, and he's like, I started getting kind of fat. So then he went raw vegan, and then he was like, I'm gonna just stop eating, and he was going, he said he was going like a couple days here and there, and he was doing up to like two weeks, and he would eat like one day a week every two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was saying too to bond with his son. He was saying he's like I want to bond with my son so I'll eat with him. He's got his pig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he was a roll-up, so he's, this guy's, I mean he's still, I guess he's fastened for too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might be on the raw Slim Jim diet too. Just wait two weeks and fucking swallow shit, snap into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool people. They have a little, uh, they tell us, Britney has a karaoke machine. Can you bring it? Okay, no problem, obviously. You know, we're down to party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so we had, uh, so we go to this party, we bring over the, uh, bring over the karaoke machine, get set up, and, uh, you know, this, this is a girl operation, they're all singing and doing their thing. Uh, Brittany goes up, does a song, you know, and people are- What song?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uhm, but also, yeaah, it was like, there was like a tight-knit group of friends. They were all doing their songs together. She, I guess she did a song, she was kinda playing to the home crowd, I guess, a little bit. Uhm, these were primarily whites. So, we, we go in there and, you know, people are kinda singing along with her, but again, they're like strangers. They don't really know her, so it's kinda like, tepid. They're afraid to sing all the end words.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, dude, dude. So then her, the other girl goes up and does Cardi B. And I go, oh yes, I go, ooh, it might be n word time. Cause I'm like, that's a tough, you know, they've been drinking and shit. So Brittany goes up and does it with her. Dude, the first fucking, it was a song Money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slips an N word out. This girl just lets it, just, I guess she like, let it, she's fucked up. Let it fly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then it's like, you know, and Britney was like, whatever. I'm like, did she, did she somehow, like, not notice that? And I'm like, whatever. You know, and again, it's, it's gotta stop, it's gotta suck to, like, fucking screech the breaks on a whole part and be like, what? So it's just kinda like, whatever, we're singing, everyone's having a good time. Towards the end, slips out another. And I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do it to me all the time, we almost fight constantly. Non-stop, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta razz them. Well, I mean, it's kinda tough though. If you just start razzin', if the only black person shows up and you start deeply razzin' him, people are gonna be like, dude, stop. What are you doin'? Stop razzin' this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen the popular one of like, you're out somewhere, and like, it's like summer time, and the classic one, they'd be like, put on sunscreen? That's the classic Raz. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, come on man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of just go trading back and forth. Yeaah. It was a different, it was a different time period. Yeaah, I guess so. Yeaah. You do that now, it's like, you know. Yeaah, it was back when just dudes could have fun. Everybody was having fun. In the 90's? Everything was so much more fun. It's insane how much fun we were having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it depends dude, it depends if they're Glenn Lowry or Ta-Nehisi Coates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coates, Ta-Nehisi Coates shit's funny cause he was, his whole thing was like, yeah, sorry. It'll always suck to be black in America. Just forever and ever and ever. And that's just what it is. Meanwhile, dude's a millionaire. It's like, fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. Get out of my face, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As I write this New York Times bestseller, I've, yea, it's just like, dude, come on man, knock it off. Pump the boys up, dude. I'm about the boys right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all about, we're all about to join forces anyway. Dude, I'm telling you, race is falling to the side, it's just gonna be how you view the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I mean, that among other things, yeah, but it's, it's going to, that's, it's happening already. Every time I see my mom, she talks to me about Candace. She's like, did you ever see that Candace Owens? And I'm like, yeah, mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She like her or hate her? Loves her. Cool. Loves her. She's like, she's just, I'll tell you what. She's one of the good ones. She's just great. I just love hearing her talk. She's so smart. She talks so intelligently. She's so smart. But she is. Do you ever see The Candice Show? Yea. Full studio. It's like woooo. Yea. I watched it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weird man, it's weird. The studio audience is a weird touch. I also have a big boner for watching people respectfully disagree on YouTube. Like two people respectfully disagree. Like, oh wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut me a fucking zero, dude. Just cut my fucking neck open and just throw me in the trash compactor. I was fucking out of it last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's, that's tough. Then you get fucking, dudes, you get totally negative on everything. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I hate both. I hate my fucking self. I hate my fucking haircut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gay, everyone's gay. I had a thought today that I think what's going on, uhm, on the internet and, you know, abroad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, and I think we all do this, we all do it subconsciously, we're all constantly trying to frame reality in little ways where like we're winning all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the only thing you can do is just be pumped on the voice. The voice. Did you see, I was watching this Australian rapper dude, that's the only thing I can watch online now. What's his name? Uhhh, Spanion? Here's a fucking yawn. Dude he's so, so funny. I was hanging with the voice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I've heard that and some people are trying to say like, no, that's not even real. I think there's like a lot of difference between the different areas. Dude, I was also- I also heard that in Australia they have a rule in certain areas that if you have anything over-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they're saying, uh, if you have, say I had like a, you know, like a brand new cell phone on me when my brand new cell phone comes in the mail and I leave my family. If I had a brand new cell phone on me, the cops stop me, they could search me and be like, where's the receipt for your cell phone? If I can't produce a receipt, they can presume that I stole it and then lock me up. That's so, that's, there's no way you have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want to disagree. The stakes are too high dude. There's no way I want to accept this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The stakes are too high, but what I have heard is it differs in different territories or states, whatever they have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think it was more time to do crack cocaine than powder cocaine, bro? We're doing this all around the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spud didn't know, Spud said it the one time but he thought it was uhm, he was dating a girl who was aboriginal and she would say it all the time and he was like, oh that's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blackfellas, I feel like that's friendly though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So is Black, is Blackfella is like the step between the proper and like the- Is it a healthy compromise? Hard slur, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're telling me it's a primarily white country near like Antarctica?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all trash. It's like, yeaah, I'm with you on that, dude. I don't think it exists. Oh, the flight's 24 hours. It's like, dude, you're just flying all the way around the world and landing in Canada. Knock it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. But yeah, that was, uh, that was an interesting thing to behold. Just watching that, you know, it was fun. I was just watching the whole, you know, everyone just kinda just moved past it, and then, it's funny, that wasn't even the biggest thing, then the, uh, the dog of the house, the people's dog, just randomly bit some lady's finger. That was, that was pretty interesting to see too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, where was this? The party? It's a little party, yea. It's like a small rooftop, yea. Small. Soiree, almost. Yea, a little soiree, dude. And dude- There was a dog bite? A dog? A dog? I've like seen this dog all the time. You know, it's just a crazy, you know, it's like a, like a pit mix kind of dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweetheart. Pit mix? That's not a little dog bite. No, I, that's what I'm saying, but it was, it was just like a nibble from him. He didn't lock, but it was like, dude, out of nowhere, he just went, and this lady was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If a shark was present, it would have been tracked. That's all I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single time. It's a fair point. People might have been irritated by like the fast warlike tempo of the rap music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well basically we're saying it's not 13%, it's actually like 3% of people are responsible for... 50%


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the sample size is too big. Cause it takes into account that like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think the, I think the, uh, it's basically, it's mostly young men. So then when you take, it's not really 13%, it's like 3%. That's, that's how I'm, that's how I understand it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it's crazy, it does like geek me out to think that especially like in America, there's a ton of people being like, tomorrow I wake up and murder that guy, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then being like, oh, and that, that guy's like, you know, within certain circles is like, cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But even that, I've chilled on that, I'm not fucking around, I'm not homicidal, I'm just a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean that's uh, I don't know. That's definitely, it's just crazy dude. I mean dude, I think like, a bunch of people got shot this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty wild. It's wild to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fucking bizarre, dude. It's definitely weird, you know. The problem is, you get people who get kind of like, they revel in it, they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Out of nowhere, let's pick Chicago. It's fucking horrible. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? We were talking about that. Like what the fuck's going on over there? Like I don't know. A lot of gunmen. Gunmen shooting each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, there's dogs from like, let's say the Spitz family, versus like a pitbull, they see each other and they fucking hate each other. The, uh, Staffordshire bit a husky at the dog show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, you'll get- This is all I care about. You'll get the mix of this, like, they suck, they're good, blah, blah, blah. The, uhm, I wanna talk about these Mississippi Water Doxans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all I know about them. I think I was talking to a guy, there's definitely things you hear from like a laborer on a job, it's like, hippo will bite you in half. And I just repeat, every time I hear about hippo bites, I'm like, yeah, I think I'll bite you in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, out of like an actual bite, bite for bite. Yeah, dude. They're the number one. Man, they're awesome. Cause you gotta think they're fun. I was raised to believe hippos are like all fun and games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was saddening when I found out that they were just like, biting people in half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say what? I thought, I thought we were talking about just animals in real life like teaming up and having fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To answer your question, I saw a bull chilling with goats this past weekend. A bull with goats? Yea, bull was hanging out with goats. We're talking about fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no animals, yea, they don't cross-beach, they don't cross-beach, fuck. Donkey and uh, I think like a mule and a horse, fuck, and they create like a donkey or something. A mule is when a donkey fucks a horse. Yeah. Correct.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you're trying to fuck some chick? But that mule can't replicate, right? You always have to have donkeys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't have, you have to always, they just get like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're going back into that fucking fossil record now. We're talking, what have they done lately?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's, let's stay to mules. No, the, uhm, I don't, uh, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tragic animal story, my, uh, my babysitter's roommate, they, so they both adopted cats. And, uh, her roommate adopted a cat from like, some shelter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, they spay the cats before they give them to you, and apparently they fucked up the age of the cat, so this was actually, they thought it was like a younger cat, but it was a senior cat. It was an old cat, and apparently when you spay an old cat, like, they die. Like, fuck some of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cat probably killed himself. God damn camera shut out. We, dude, we heat up this room too hard. Uhm, let's go to the page. What you guys got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Weed gummies, they're still illegal. Constable Matt McCusker. Nice. Two Jack bros. Just listen to Dab Meet, I love you guys. Hell yea. Also, September 22nd, come to Helium. Oh hell yea. Pleeease. My whole family's gonna be there. They're gonna fucking make fun of me. Please come. Uhm, that's it. Thank you guys. Let's go to the Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where in Florida are they from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could make them spit roast me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right, right, right. I forgot about that. Oh yeah, the biggest news in the world. Yeah, forgot about that. Pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope he brings us back presents. I hope so. He better come back with presents for us. I mean, a little keychain, a little mug. Does he take like, does he take like a trinket of yours and like take pictures of it on the road for you and send them back?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gotta take this, uh, this stuffed, uh, frog to the Eiffel Tower and take a picture on a business trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm out front everyday just tossing my fucking ball in my glove. Every time you hear like a car passing it's like a quick perk up. Little Matty. Be truthful, would you get jealous?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got this one thing I gotta do today and then I'm probably just gonna go back to the hotel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids look like this in high school now, it's nuts. Tats? Yea, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orlando. I think parents are like kinda letting their kids go forward on TikTok now. True. If you need full body tat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm more scared that you, like, she probably told you more details watching you getting freaked out, and she'd be like, yeah, and he's just like, crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would forgo human flight to be able to tell 400 Asian people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd you get massaged in jeans? I wasn't getting on. Dude, first of all, it was a, he like sprung it on me. We were, we were doing something else. He was like, let's go grab a chair massage. Let me get there. There's no chair. They'll take you into the back. I'm like, dude, I was grooming. I'm not fucking getting, first of all, the sun was out. You're not getting me fucking jerked off while I was supposed to, I was just stepping out real quick to get a sandwich with Mike. Don't fucking ruin my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Float tanks are like truck stops for transnational entities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I feel like everybody just lied. You think so? Yea, I don't think so. I don't know dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always love in story, in like fantasy movies and stories where there's a slut grandmom who's like, don't worry, I'll break it all down for you. I think Game of Thrones had like 15 of those. That's literally what I was thinking. Slutty grandmoms breaking it down for their whore granddaughters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's in a tank, he's in a tank, he's in a tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic anti-adromia dude. Yeah, not, not being gay right now is a big problem for teens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that sucks. Yeaah, you gotta look, dude, there's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like wearing Wranglers. Being straight is like wearing Wranglers now. True. They do make nice Wranglers though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying back then it was- Like the fines that Ron Howard did? Yea, Ron Howard and that with his face. Uhm, Henry Winkler. Henry Winkler. They definitely- They- back in the day they fucked. They definitely-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get off. Wait, did you actually, did the massage initiate or did you get in there and peep the scene and bounce?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually pretty impressive that you pulled the eject on a new Roo. I wouldn't have been able to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the ultimate, that's like the ultimate lady move. Like the ultimate dude move is like, what am I saving for this, right? Let's, you know, show them the sheets. Being, the ultimate for a woman is to murder her husband on the wedding night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever watch a cool movie with your wife and then like, there's like a graphic sex scene and they're like, okay, I don't need to see all of this. You should do the same thing with her when she's watching like Love Island and like a dude's just like having abs and being like, yeah, it's like, I'm not really sure we're making a connection, aren't we? Like, I can't even look at this, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking what a normal job interview would be, your boss just flexing. Like you're interviewing for like an IT job and he's just like, listen, I need, I need someone for Windows infrastructure. And it's just like, bro, by the way, I got a PS5. So this is a pretty sick gig.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get dude. Now that I'm imagining it, I might start making dudes like clap and shit. You should go like stand in a circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a pizza place in the neighborhood I grew up in that I always dreamed about working at. It was so like hot and smelly and it looked so exciting and I loved the mozzarella sticks so much and I just like, like as a kid I would daydream about like dude someday dude I'm gonna be on that fucking griddle just chopping cheese steaks and like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever see a counter dude in a pizza place like flirting with people's girlfriends? That's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going in this place, it was so small that it was like the counter and then the kitchen almost backed up to the counter. It stunk every time I went in and I was just like, I'm addicted to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were visibly sweaty. Every time you went in, it was a bunch of fat people, visibly sweaty. Pizza was probably so good. That's the perfect, that's the best mozzarella stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Seasoning it with their fucking literal sweat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right at the end. That's the ultimate. When he was like, just when all his arteries were clogged. Yeah, that's the ultimate delicacy. That's an Italian delicacy. It's like, day before you die, fat pizza man, pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to eat under a towel to hide from God. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever try to think of a way to like deter them without saying no? Like did you ever think about learning like a sleight of hand magic trick to make them run out of the store and then lock them out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does look like a fucking Victorian steam machine if you're not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, imagine how good of a jacuzzi salesman you'd be right now though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty surprising that he'd be so willing to be such a buzz...kill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that would be a great service. If you can go somewhere and get a professional butt scratch when you have itchy butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe if they didn't want people getting confused, they'd have different baskets on their heads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, the grinding. Not wheelies. Yeah, soaps. You can grind stuff. I'm sorry, heelies. Yeah, I got soaps. They had a plastic plate in the middle of the foot on the bottom so you could grind. You just run and grind. Oh, that's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Come on man. I went from the awning above the slide. Jumped down. What? Loudest piece of metal in the world.


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[Assistant] Yes, 50-50. I mean, you can get pretty fucked up and twist one ankle around. Look at that dude.


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[Assistant] Get the fuck outta here, dude. Nah, that must be vintage. Those are like the Jordan ones or whatever.


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[Assistant] I mean there's an entire generation of like chubby white kids that just have permanent ankle injuries. They're already fat enough that their knees were going in the middle, like toward each other in the middle. Now this. I think I had those ones, the navy blue ones with the white.


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[Assistant] How much are those? 79. 79 bucks. Dude. What size, what size did they go up to? They got a 12 and a half.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, we had a girl on the ski trip that I didn't, I couldn't afford to go on, but apparently on the ski trip, this girl... It's a skeet trip dude. She had a, apparently she had a bunch of dudes asking for her...


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[Assistant] Legend. Legend. She never shook it. I think to this day, there's probably a good number of people that she has to pretend don't exist because of how tortured she was. She ate all their butts.


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[Assistant] How does the word get out? She's like, yo, tell your friends. It was like Monday morning or whenever the next day everyone was back from the ski trip. It was like, everyone was like, dude, did you hear she ate 10 dudes?


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[Assistant] No, no black dude has ever fucked without bringing a friend. I agree with that. That's never happened.


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[Assistant] Or you figure by like the sixth dude, she probably had a pretty good clip going, you know? I mean, she's probably written the book pretty good.


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[Assistant] So yea, what probably happened was that she probably did a little bit of rebelling. Yea. Got away from her Christian parents for a weekend. And one person that didn't like her found out about it and she was like, 10. It was 10 bucks she ate. She ate 10 bucks. She probably like, kissed a guy.


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[Assistant] And like, within 48 hours it was like, dude, life is over. Maybe she just couldn't say no.


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[Assistant] I Vietnamese shit in public bathrooms. I stand on the seat squatting over this. Really? Do you really? I do this in porta potties a lot too. Actually, porta potties I think are wise to it. If you notice next to the toilet seat in porta potties is like sloped down. It's like the homeless like spikes so that they can't sleep there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. I hop, I hop up on the seat and hover over like this. Like the, the pipe was perfect pistol squat form, dude. Yeah. It's like he's posing for like, hold on, look at this. You think I need to hold onto something? True. You're on wheels.


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[Assistant] I've got the Sega CD32X set up. I've got the squatty potty with the high end bidet. The bidet is crazy. If I ever have to use an away bathroom, it's like, I put like war paint on my face and shit like, alright time to get back in this.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, that's my hot tip dude. Stand on the dirty toilet seat with your sneakers on.


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[Assistant] That's how you, that's how you zero your butthole. You have to splash directly back into it. If it's off, you gotta like adjust the, it's like setting a scope on your gun.


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[Assistant] Yes. Oh yea, find me on Twitch, twitch.tv slash Tim Butterly. It's just a nice time on Sunday mornings. I heard that. A couple weekends here and there, but...


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[Assistant] Yeaah, you're ar- I mean, probably in the next week or two you're gonna start seeing deals.


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[Assistant] That's a classic feeling. That's the, that was the original edging. Before, before you got into like cum edging, it was like waiting for something, like the one time a year, like your parents would order you.


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[Assistant] So let's keep a good eye on this because I was made to li- Guys, if you're listening to this, join the Patreon if you want to see my fat moon face zoomed in for 20 minutes. Sean thought he'd play a goof on me. He wanted to stab me in the back.


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[Assistant] It is, it is funny. There's no denying that. So obviously it's gonna be shown. But man, what the fuck.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, dude, how, how? Some guys just have the worst crap luck, dude.


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[Assistant] Dude, SNL. Fired. I get on wrote now I'm a regular on Joe Rogan. Canceled by the entire world.


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[Assistant] Is there a reason for that? Yeah, they wanted to make him look like he was sick from COVID. That was crazy. He looked healthy. They made him gray.


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[Assistant] A lot. I'll stop picking at my lip eventually.


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, I think CNN is ran mostly by Gardenis. I think so. Just like, how can we make this guy, this powerful man look foolish?


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[Assistant] And he walks, I saw one today of him just walking away during a speech.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was, I think Jill was speaking. He was standing next to her. Then he just walked.


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[Assistant] An ounce of the criticism they gave. How critical they were.


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[Assistant] Yeah. How, that's not a real story. The title should be Joe Biden is scrambling. He's spiraling out of control and this is, we gotta figure it out. Now, I don't believe that, but that's how the article would have been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not, I'm not, the reason I don't believe that is because I don't know. Yeah, who the fuck knows? I'm not saying he's not scrambling.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've always, I've always kind of been confused by that. I guess historically it was a pretty racist thing.


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[Assistant] Fuck if I know. Back then they didn't do IPs. Some of them would have like literacy tests. Did they? For people that weren't like even allowed to go to school. They'd be like, I guess you can't vote.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, I believe you should probably have to show ID to vote. That's pretty important, you know?


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[Assistant] I'll tell you who's gonna be saying, Malins, if you're against Malins, you're racist, I would imagine the Democrats.


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[Assistant] I think they are going to rely pretty heavily on those mail-ins again.


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[Assistant] Sorry everybody, I'm the only patriot. Sorry, I'm the only one. Matt's a fuckin' corporate shill now.


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[Assistant] The great lie. I don't even think it's a great lie. I think uh, mail-in votes very clearly won the election. Like, 20 to 1. Now there is the argument, clear argument, that obviously the people that were going to do the mail-ins were the ones who were scared of the COVID-19, who tend to be the


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[Assistant] When you're on Van Diemen's Land, you're gonna get some moldy bread. Did they really put him on Van Diemen's Land? Take the bread. Eat your fucking bread, man.


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[Assistant] And redlining in districts. How about these voting districts? I like them.


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[Assistant] Flash vote is gonna be what's the funniest outcome. You're gonna be getting people kicked off for the funniest things.


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[Assistant] There's gonna be a guy screaming the n-word on the flight. No, no, no, it's a pole. No, he's good. Well. That's funny. Keep him around.


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[Assistant] They would get those boys. But then you'd get people like whoopee. Like that story. Big whoop. She could get fired. Big whoop might get fired.


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[Assistant] You can't say that Jews are white. Yeah, but you can. I mean, that's always been the excuse. I've heard liberals point to that as why the genocide in Europe was so, it's so documented is because this was the first time it happened to white people and we were like, how could this be?


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[Assistant] She said, I think she also might have been saying, now based on how she covered or responded to it, maybe she wasn't, but it sounded like she was saying this is a white person problem. She said, this is between you guys. This is both of you guys, so you guys go settle it. Which is, I thought she sounded like she was joking. I think she laughed when she got done saying it.


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[Assistant] But it sounded like she was saying it's funny that white people are censoring books to other white people. Yea. That's what it sounded like. Yea. And she was like, alright, you guys, this is what you guys want to argue about is censoring books? Go ahead. Which, by the way, that is a pretty big problem. True that. And she starts censoring books.


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[Assistant] It's not a big whoop bro. But it might not be a big whoop to you.


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[Assistant] No, hold on. I need to issue one thing before we start chatting history. I owe, I believe, an apology, perhaps, to the honky hockey player that got in that fight with PK Subban's brother.


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[Assistant] He claims he was just doing like, oh you're tough.


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[Assistant] Like strong guy. And he was like, I would never do that. And he got fired. Yea, as soon as I heard his side, I was like yea, maybe. Can we see the tape? See if we can fire up the tape.


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[Assistant] But it's also, I'm guilty of the same thing of just like, oh I read the headline. And I was like, you guys hear about this dumb racist fucking hockey player? What a piece of shit.


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[Assistant] I actually kinda defended him because the guy was trying to punch him in the face. Fair. Which, but in hockey.


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[Assistant] He claims he's done it before to people. Like, it's a taunt. It's a regular taunt. That's his taunt? Like, when someone's being like, oh, I'll fuck you up, they're always like, oh, big guy, huh? You're a tough guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Big strong guy, eh? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I think he's out of the league. I think he's got cut from the fucking team for it.


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[Assistant] Yeah. That made big news. That was big news. They're looking. They're searching. Remember the fucking-


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[Assistant] Turns out that was a rope from the garage. They were like, but still. But imagine seeing that. But imagine if it was. I know dude. It wasn't.


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[Assistant] I just wonder, like, dropping federal charges on him. Are they really? But then he got charged, I forget.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was very quick. They were just like, yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm not getting true. I would sit there, I'd sit there and talk Smollett for 45 minutes more.


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[Assistant] I think that's when you start to... No way dude. I just got into fitness. What do you think? I've had some impure thoughts. I'll be honest, I've had some impure thoughts about you two and me right now. Really?


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[Assistant] You'd be so rough with gardening. And then I'd be using your- What would you be using? I'd be using your juices as lube to get back in them.


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[Assistant] I think the case is interesting, but the guy also said like, hey, I'm sorry that that you thought it was that. I wouldn't want that. Yeah. That's how he, he seemed pretty sad.


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[Assistant] So I owe that cause I was quick to bring up the story as if that guy did do monkey gestures.


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[Assistant] In PK Subban's brother's defense, he was also in a hockey league in South Carolina. So, you know, his guard was probably up. Sounds like the whitest thing on earth.


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[Assistant] So Matt, you've been reading a lot about history.


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[Assistant] I've chatted naval power on here. I love it. I know, I know. We have 11 aircraft carriers. Dude. Most countries have fucking zero. It's crazy. Zero. Did you get into the- I think the next like top 10 combined don't equal how many we have.


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[Assistant] But there's one downside to that. That shit can get outdated.


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[Assistant] Your military can be obsolete in 10 years. It's happened before in history. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Techniques and the technology your military uses. Like, uh, I think it was World War I? Italy had a nice little fleet. And then aircraft came around and just fucking bombed the fuck out of their fleet while it was in, you know? Yeah, that's true. And they were like, fuck, we wasted all of our time and money on that.


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[Assistant] That's good, Hitler talk. That's Hitler talk. No, it was uh, World War One started with Serbia. Yea. They shot Franz Ferdinand.


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[Assistant] And Russia jumped in and Russia and Germany jumped in and they were like, don't fuck with us.


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[Assistant] I don't like when they talk in phases like that. Yeah. Like, cause they were doing that with Islam for a while. They were like, well when Christianity was this old, we were doing the Inquisition. And it's like, yeah, but we didn't do the Inquisition in 2020.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's, they say that World War II was, actually it might have been World War I, was like when the banks shifted from London to America. Like it all shifted to America. We took everybody's loans, we paid for the war, we profited off the war, we were late to both wars, we didn't join either of them until late.


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[Assistant] There's way more than 10 million casualties. Yea yea true. Like, Russia had 20.


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[Assistant] There's a year in France that there's no men that year. From World War I. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Can you talk about how China's population is actually dropping?


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[Assistant] China's dropping and they're all old now. China's in trouble.


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[Assistant] I think that was a bit of a result of the West meddling, dude.


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[Assistant] World War 2. They were just poor guys chilling. Oh yea.


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[Assistant] The dudes over in the middle east. No, they were, they were doing what they, it was oil got them. Once oil, once Europe was like, yeaah. Europe and America were like, what are you guys at? We need oil?


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[Assistant] We might have to cut off the Ruskies. They keep acting up. We're gonna prohibit Europe from buying Russian oil.


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[Assistant] It's good we're predicting the future right now. This guy did it. I rewatched the last episode of Adam Curtis this week. I know all about this stuff.


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[Assistant] You can literally, it keeps going. It's crazy, it's nuts. The way things are right now is from the American Civil War.


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[Assistant] Dude, and that's- Things that happened then. Yeah. Things that happened and that happened because of the revolution that happened. It's crazy. Every single thing. It's pretty tight. The way things are now is because of the Haitian revolution. That's how history works. It was not- It's wild. It was really not- That's why I'm such a big fan of it. I say, wow what a great subject. Wow.


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[Assistant] When I was a young boy in 5th grade I said, wow, what a great show.


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[Assistant] Somebody sent me a book, I gotta check it out dude. It's a hero of both worlds, it's about Lafayette. Whaaat? He'd like this boy. He was a baller in France, he came over and helped the American Revolution, and then he went back for the French Revolution.


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[Assistant] He was, uh, kind of against the French Revolution. He was like, yo, chill the fuck out, beast. And the boys got wild anyway.


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[Assistant] I got in a big fight with my girl, you would like this. About what? She was just talking about how great France was. I was like, the French...


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[Assistant] You don't understand beauty and fucking architecture and... It's like, Ireland's better than fucking gay ass France.


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[Assistant] France has been beasts throughout history. Joan of Arc was a beast. I mean, they were always the beasts of Europe. I never really... Until the Deutschlands came around, dude. Deutschland. England and France were always the ones fighting. Cause they were both trying to... I said Spain, dude. Spain's up there with France. Historical domination. Spain rules.


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[Assistant] Now they're taking naps. They did it. They worked. They're done working. Spain retired. Greece retired first. Greece was like, we're done forever. We did it. She went over there in 2016 and they still hadn't touched buildings that they were building in 08.


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[Assistant] They built more ruins in 08. The entire country's ruins and stray dogs.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Greece loves ruins, Spain, Spain's up there, Spain rules. They went hard and then they took a nap.


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[Assistant] It's fucking carrots and gravy and mushrooms and cred.


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[Assistant] We have American Chinese food, American Italian food. Amen. We did it. Oh, of course. I think we were in agreement America is the best though.


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[Assistant] They were. He said they were coming back. They stopped the fucking, the, the Muslims. Yea dude. I think it was the Hungarians and Polaks.


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[Assistant] But then, you know, the Ruskies and Germans gave them what for.


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[Assistant] Now the Germans are soft, dude. I think they might be lolling us. They might be lolling us, dude. They're like, no, we're good guys. We forget about what we did. Twice.


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[Assistant] So that's what fired me up. I remember that when, when the Japanese, when the Japanese were going to war with America, they were like having war discussions. Should we attack Pearl Harbor? Should we start this war? And there were dudes, half of them had studied in America. Most of their officers had studied in America and they were like,


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[Assistant] Don't do it. This whole thing is, it's a field. They have all the food and industry in the world. Don't do this. And they did it and they found out. They found a very, they learned a very valuable lesson. In a hard way.


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[Assistant] Japan rules. Japan will keep going up. You think Japan and Asia is gonna be the new number one? He said Japan's gonna keep going up. China's gonna be a real fucking problem when they're all 90. When a billion people are 90. India and China are gonna be fucking nuts.


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[Assistant] I think India's still churning them out. I think they're still churning the young boys out.


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[Assistant] India is who I'm pumped on. India and Pakistan.


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[Assistant] You wanna watch that video? That's maybe the best video of all time. What is it? It's a school and each kid is coming up and screaming what they're gonna do for Pakistan. Yeah. And they all love Pakistan. And there's this big fat lady leaning on like a, she's not even trying half the time. She's like leaning on a podium like, what will you do if I'm


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[Assistant] One kid comes up, half green, half white face. He's painted with the Pakistan flag. He's like, I will sacrifice my life for Pakistan. It's barbaric. It's shit rules.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but the thing I don't, the thing I disagree with is the, it's not, it's not about how long you've been around, cause India, well actually India's fairly new. China's been around since Moses had a paper route.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Egypt. How are they doing? Marrying my damn sister. That's what those fuckers are doing.


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[Assistant] They would have been like, no, they got there, they said wow, what a great period.


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[Assistant] Uhm, wow, what a great monument.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's really cool. Get rid of that psychology mumbo jumbo. No, I like that too. Psychology's for the birds.


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[Assistant] We have like 10 podcast episodes where I do this exact rant. That's awesome. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So I finished the casualty numbers of the six days war for me. And then what's the name of the peninsula? The seer? What's it called?


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[Assistant] You'll see it. Let me see. Try to find some facts. I'm an idiot.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's also, I mean that was basically like, that was, what Israel did was basically like when Stone Cold would come in at the end of Raw. It just stunted like 8 wrestlers. Uh, check out, you know what another good one is that people don't know about? It's Iraq-Iran.


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[Assistant] They had a war with like, I'm talking a million casualties. What? Recently. Did they really? 70s? 77?


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[Assistant] That might be too early. Yeah, Desert Storm was like early 90s. 80 to 88 was this war? Iraq, Iran? I was way off.


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[Assistant] It's about Eastern Europe, it's about that area. I gotta listen to that again.


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[Assistant] Yo, peep those casualties. People don't even talk about this thing.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, they went wild. They went hog wild.


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[Assistant] I wonder how much, yea, they lost the whole earth's population.


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[Assistant] How about, uh, which one's Sunni and which one's she? I always get that mixed up.


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[Assistant] How many did we lose? Somewhere between 500 and 100,000 of us died. Don't worry about that. It's probably, probably 100.


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[Assistant] Did he pump Brazil up at all? Because Brazil is big right now.


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[Assistant] He's gonna pump Brazil up. They're a huge population. You know who's gonna be big? Nigeria. Oh yea. Write it down dude. They're blowing up.


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[Assistant] They are. They're making all the, they're taking all the nannies monies. They're about, dude, they're about the bag, dude. But their population's gigantic. Is it really? They're like top ten.


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[Assistant] Greenland, you know Greenland? 14 of those fit into Africa.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it's just the fucking typography, I don't know how to say the word. It's just the way they made the map.


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[Assistant] True. America should be in the center. We should be making America in the center.


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[Assistant] No, it's just the further north you get, the longer the latitude and longitude gets, or the latitude.


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[Assistant] Brazil is coming, although they've just had a bit of a setback lately.


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, the whole fucking country caught on fire that time. Oh, that stinks. And then, this is bad. That's bad for business. That stinks. That's a bad world, Lee. That's gotta, that's gotta be, that's gotta hurt your re-election. Like, wait, weren't you gonna let the whole thing catch on fire? The whole country?


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[Assistant] How'd they catch you on fire? The Amazon. They're just deforesting the... Yikes. They're just getting money. Yea true. They're not worried about the global oxygen. Securing the bag. Yea. It's time to secure the bag.


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[Assistant] And then all of us are like, what about all the monkeys that live there? They're like, no, we are around them. They suck. Yeah, true. Burn it down, dude.


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[Assistant] It's the scariest woods ever. Yeah. Loud. Louder than hell. You're trying to get some shut eye in the jungle.


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[Assistant] There's too much, there's gonna be too much crossover, boys.


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[Assistant] Europe was laughing at America. Dude, then they saw what we did in the Civil War and they were like, yo.


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[Assistant] France was in a hole. France was in a hole and we were like yea, we'll buy that shit. France was pawning shit. No take backs? No take backs for sure.


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[Assistant] I think, wasn't the Louisiana Purchase like 1807?


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[Assistant] He fought there, yes. But yea dude, it was pretty sick.


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[Assistant] That was 1814. What's that? The Battle of New Orleans.


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[Assistant] In 1814, we took a little trip along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississippi. We took a little bacon and we took a little beans and we fought the bloody British in the town of New Orleans. Well, we fired our guns, but the British kept on coming. There wasn't as many as there was a while ago. Fired once more and they began to run it.


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[Assistant] That's one thing that the British do have. The British and the Irish have that. They still do that? They get fucked up in pubs and sing together.


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[Assistant] Yes, that was Fishtown white hipsters that are big antifa now.


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[Assistant] He's like. Just some dude with some fucking like kinda chubby white dude with a beard with like a gritty, a gritty tattoo. Just like, sorry fascist son, welcome here.


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[Assistant] That's so sick to become a fat pussy communist. Jesus Christ dude. I was thinking about that. But you know what also is gay is dude becoming right wing guys. Yea. That's also very gay. It's barbaric dude. It is cooler than being a fat communist.


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[Assistant] Yea dude, we need to get- we need to start going down to the communist fat bars and start reusing-


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[Assistant] Fucking cracking skulls, dude. That's what I'm training for right now. Doing box steps so that I can find... Two weeks of box steps. I'll be in better shape than the fucking...


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[Assistant] Don't fucking blame. Don't bullshit. No dude. Football rules. Yeah, we're bringing in civilization. Football rules. They need to know that.


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[Assistant] Oh yea. Joe Bro is cool. Joe Cool needs to die dude.


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[Assistant] Oh, being cool? Joe Cool, yea. Joe Cool the guy. We're talking about Joe Burrow.


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[Assistant] What, Churchill? Yea. You would have liked what he did. He fired people up. In World War I, he tried to go at those Ottomans, dude, and he found out. Did he really? Yea, he sent the boys into a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turkey's having a tough time right now. They have What's His Name and, uh,


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[Assistant] That's a goddamn good episode. We, the population dip is gonna be tight. Yeah, it's gonna be great. It's not bad.


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[Assistant] No, fuck it. 17th and 18th and 19th and 20th, you guys could come see me, just kidding, you can't, it's all sold out. No, actually we added another show Sunday, the 20th.


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[Assistant] Uh, in Providence, Rhode Island, February 20th, February 24th, 25th, 26th, you can catch me and Matt McCusker at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City. Yes. Uh, March 3rd, 4th, and 5th, I'll be at Levity Live in New York.


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[Assistant] March 18th and 19th. This is a big one. The comedy works in Denver, 18th, 19th and 20th. And I heard a little birdie telling me John McKeever was gonna feature for me that weekend. So that'll be a fun one.


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[Assistant] I asked, I sent a bird to John and he responded. That's sick. The bird then told me.


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[Assistant] Let's talk whatever about Indianapolis. This is Bananas Country.


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[Assistant] Alright, thank you for listening to our podcast everybody. Have a good evening.


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[Assistant] Ross, yeah. Ross is like a folding chair. I need the storyline. I need like a bratty wife to be like, not just some like chick in a hotel getting like, can you be bratty?


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[Assistant] Uh, it was like a brown pitbull. Yeah, it was like a weird. Oh, pitbull. No, it wasn't a full pitbull. It was like an SPCA. It had pit in it. Yeah, it was like one of those. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, there are one elevator per wings. This is one wing of the building. Okay. Yeah, this building, a little fun fact, the building we're in now used to be an insane asylum.


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[Assistant] You had to. Although, this could have been like the, you know, it could have been set up, this could have been like the orderly quarters. You know what I mean? The insane, the insaneos are probably down in the basement.


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[Assistant] They're probably doing it in the woods around here.


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[Assistant] Possibly, I mean, my dogs come here and they freak the fuck out. There's probably tons of crazy ghosts.


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[Assistant] Well can a dog, you can't, I think by law you're not allowed to penetrate a dog, but a dog can definitely lick something.


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[Assistant] No, I'm telling you, you can be as sexual as you want with your cats. You just can't pen. You can't penetrate.


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[Assistant] I wanna see, what's the nambla for like, just like, like stroking it with your, you know. Cat cuddle.


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[Assistant] What's- no, no, not full beastie Audi, just like, fucking around.


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[Assistant] Okay, we already established that's illegal, we're not gonna do that. Yeah, that's not happening over here. Heavy betting, maybe some light, like Femdom, just fucking extra time in the cage.


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[Assistant] Send a couple little boys and a cat. That would be sick, dude. If you had that much power, you're like...


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[Assistant] I mean, I don't know who's freakier, truckers or high powered dems. They're both sexual perverts, 1000%. Republicans, they just love their wives, dude, that's it.


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[Assistant] I, I, I think they're alright and he calls people and they're like, there's no fucking way these dogs are alive. So the kids don't accept him. At one point the kids have a change of heart and they're like, alright dad, and the dude just perks up and he goes,


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[Assistant] I saw the witch doctor, he told me what to do. That's what he wanted. Dude, it was so fucking funny.


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[Assistant] Well Chance thought he was dying, and you know, Shadow was like, oh my god, he's like, Sassy came, broke him out, so they all get out of there, but the people did see him, so they had hope, so they finally accept their stepdad, and they're like, they're basically praising him, being like, thank you so much, and he just pauses, and he's like,


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[Assistant] And the dog, yea, then the kid thinks his dogs are dead again. Fuck. But yea, I don't know why.


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[Assistant] Is that a movie? That might be a movie. There was a show on Nickelodeon where you got to be in a video game.


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[Assistant] Dude, Bill Gates' wife, not to get this into a political space, Bill Gates' wife came out and was like, I'll let Bill explain his uh, his relationship with him.


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[Assistant] You know how billionaires go around and they're like, I fucking need money so bad! Who has more money? Who's got money?


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[Assistant] Maybe he was all innocent, maybe everyone's wrong, maybe people just keep killing themselves in their cell because they're just misunderstood and they actually


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[Assistant] What's going on in your underwear guys? If you reach your hand down your pants, your pants, nobody else's.


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[Assistant] If you reach down your hand down your pants and your cock and balls aren't in two different pouches, we may have a problem. But have no fear. Sheath is here.


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[Assistant] Boys, riff on how uncomfortable it can be to have your balls stick to your legs.


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[Assistant] Yea, I mean, yea, it's, you know, it's not the best, but U.S. Army soldier Robert Patton knew there had to be a better way to keep his dick from sticking to his leg. Eh, that's kind of a humble brag. And sheath was born. He was out fighting the enemy, and he's like, God, my massive dick is weighing me down.


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[Assistant] Magical dick pouch aside, this underwear is comfy, cool, and comes in so many different patterns, you can have a pair of sheath ready for any occasion.


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[Assistant] True. Now the girls have them as well. The comfort you guys know for your balls.


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[Assistant] D-R-E-N-C-H-E-D to get 20% off your first order. Every order comes with Sheath Underwear's 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code Drenched.


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[Assistant] Well done. Thank you guys, I have so much fucking mucus in me. Gardini, can we pause so I can spit all this mucus out of my body?


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[Assistant] Alright, we're back. Sorry about that. I apologize. I had, you guys can probably hear it, my nose was so stuffed up. Whenever I talk, you know, those subject matters get me, my sinuses just go wild. I get, my body gets furious when I think about that. People molesting dogs. Like, meaning going all the way with them, not just like, you know, not getting there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like an Old Testament, I like the Old Testament rule back then before Jesus came across and like, like when it was just follow the rules, don't question them. Good.


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[Assistant] Okay, so there- I mean, that's-


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[Assistant] Now that it's in the butt, now that I'm seeing it in God's word, that makes perfect sense. I take back everything I said on this part.


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[Assistant] Older now. That's old, that's OT. I thought that's OT, right? Dude's OT. I think dude's OT.


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[Assistant] I'm pretty sure every single religion forbids, dude it's so funny that that was a thing like, the spiritual traditions had to like tackle head on and be like alright, we gotta do something about this. This is a fucking problem. Yeah, it's gotta go with this.


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[Assistant] Well, dude, you know what's funny? I was reading yesterday, I was reading yesterday about like the old, like ancient Hinduism back in like BC era. Like you know we always talk, we talk about like yogis and stuff, like aw dude, like so chill, just like chilling on a mountain. Dude, they were like, up until I think the 1800s, they were doing human sacrifices in India.


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[Assistant] According to this book I should say, and the yogis would fucking, so they would sacrifice a human and the yogis would eat their lungs, would fry their lungs up and eat them.


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[Assistant] And like they, what happened was in 1830, the English were over there.


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[Assistant] Colonizing, being bad boys. But they needed to, I think in Calcutta, and again, I'm just going off this book, but Calcutta was the, like the central deity there was Cali, the goddess of destruction, who like, you really needed to give like good human sacrifices every now and again.


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[Assistant] And like, dude, they were like, you weren't supposed to do it, but every now and again people would be like, super religious, be like, dude, we gotta fucking cut someone's head off.


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[Assistant] I'm dead serious, I thought about this recently dude. Yes, where are your woods? So there's a stretch of woods near my house. Uh, well right now we're living in a temporary place because our house is getting all like remodeled, the top level is getting remodeled. So we're in a temporary setup. But I would frequent these woods before that, that's how I know about them. So if you go up Kelly Drive, there's a little sliver of woods.


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[Assistant] So there's a little like, if you're on like, where the fuck is this?


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[Assistant] We're on like 29th street, and like, I don't know what that would be, right, right off where like, uh,


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[Assistant] I don't know where it is. It's around 29th where there's like a green stairway that goes over the train tracks. I chill in those woods. So if you guys want to meet me in those woods, I'm there for the next two months. I'll be there every night letting my dog shit. You have to find me. I'll be there. But there's a witch in those woods.


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[Assistant] Dude, cause someone, and someone brought up my, someone brought up to my attention, someone's spacing out white powder, like evenly, in like a little trail.


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[Assistant] But then there's, there's like a fucking evil house of sticks too.