[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My thing with her is like, you know, with any relationship, it's like, how much bullshit do you take versus...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much do you kind of try to work with them? If you take too much bullshit, you just get crushed. But you can't just be like, fuck that, we're doing it my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I get to like an impossible level of like, I don't know what to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I gotta jerk off. So that's when I, you know, usually when I'm angered, you know, mad in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, they thought of it ever since, dude. I'm like, I just fucking, I can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I need a crumb, it's been a- In a fight. Been four or five days. No, I'm saying with- Sorry, sorry, sorry, I wasn't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't see that coming, cause- Didn't see that coming. When I first did it, I was like, I wanna see if as soon as I microdose, I was like, I'm gonna try to get some pussy while I microdose, and then, this didn't happen, but-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing, weed and mushrooms are two different fucking Gryffindors, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm trying not to fap and I get stoned, lights out, I'm fapping. And I'm feeling good about it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to, I did a bit one time about like, I was like, do you guys ever get high just so you can jerk off? And the whole crowd was like, sure bro. And I was like, uh, uh, okay. Yeah, of course. Of course. I was like, it's weird. I'll get high then. God, jerking off is going to feel so good now. And the whole crowd was just like, I remember I even looked at Alejandro like, eh, no. And he was just like, I was like, alright, fuck it. Maybe you would fucking be into this. What? What? Gay guy. Talking about getting high and fucking orgasming. Dude, I figured he'd like it. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My subconscious can't be held between news networks and party lines, dude. There's nothing, it's eternal, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a joke, dude. Then again, I can't hide behind jokes in this comedy podcast. I gotta lie, I took a lot of flack on the Reddit today, or on this week, I should say. Why? People attacking me, dude. Saying I'm alright. It was actually pretty funny, cause they were like, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't sniff glue fucking crush me. He crushed me. I was like, dude, I'm a political connoisseur. He's just like, where's blue lives matter shirt does this, does that, whatever. I forget what else he was saying. Where's Jordan Peterson's Jordan Peterson. And I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just stopped. When he said I have gout, I was literally typing out, I was like, well that's why you're such a miserable motherfucker, and I was like, I feel kinda bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, no it was though, I also questioned, I'm like, cause he was making fun of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of times it's M apostrophe good boy. And I call it mmm good boy. Andrew is going to mmm good boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got messages, I got like a dude in New Zealand who's been hitting me up with like, uh, conspiracy theory stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll show you what I started watching. It's uhm, it's just women being ultra feminine and brushing their hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't, I haven't jerked off to this. But I came here, I was, last night I was researching the female ego. Trying to like, I was like, someone has to have written about this. Cause I think about it all the time. So you have not jerked off to that yet? I jerk, I, no, the lady brushing her hair, I have not. And you're going to? We'll see what happens. I don't, I don't jerk off anymore, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm microdosed, I don't drink- I s- I'm- That period of my life's over. I don't drink off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't jerk off. Did I, after that podcast we did, periodically check in on the Tea Girls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've fallen a couple times, dude. Into T-Girls? I fell. That's what I'm asking. I fell back in. I'm not saying recently though, I stopped with the porn. I'm back with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When there's, uh, someone who looks like a chick, totally haunted, but you're like, oh my god, that's a chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but no, I don't- It's, dude, it's, there's something that tricks your, your like hunter-gatherer monkey brain to where it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this out, if you can wrap your head around this, I know I do that, and I also enjoy that I do that on another, like, I'm here now, I'm also like, you know, I'm here and here, and I'm also enjoying the fact, that makes me laugh, the fact that that's in vogue right now, people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's overwhelming. The, the mental illness rates in the cities are like, astounding. But then again, they say they're not, in terms of like, they'd find like hunter-gatherer tribes and they're like, who's mentally ill, but it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when you're like, well the crocodile's like, clearly on the British, like the British people's side, and like when you're a cargo occult waiting thinking like God's dropping you like, fucking, spam. You're like, no, we're all pretty sane here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think it's pretty well researched that rates of schizophrenia are way higher in cities. Cause if you're going to break...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually it's like, if you have a psychotic break, it's usually stress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like, look at porn search data, as I've talked about this before, guys search for big dick porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billion, look at that. Fuck that shit. It's real though. It's billions of- If you were like, nah, here's the Google data, I'd be like, alright, Shane's got the Google data. That's something I found interesting, that dude search big dick porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that search porn. Or primarily dudes too. Search big dick porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and the whole cuckold fetish is all about sperm competition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something about having, like, to fight someone else's, that's, that's the whole rush of it. It's like, your wife just got came in, you gotta come in her too. That's why guys get, they're saying like, that's why they- I've heard you say this. That's why they get so hot for it, yea. Okay. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's just, it's a, it's a, it's just a mind trick, dude. It's, it's just not, it's not a healthy diet. I'll say that. T-Born? Not a healthy diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not healthy for anyone, dude. It's not good. But.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole point was the microdose and it was just like, even jerking off, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I'm now, I'm like, I'm getting kind of older too. So now I'm just thinking somewhere of a naked man just in a bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the afternoon I'm like, it's just, it's unfathomable dude, I can't do it. Again, I'm, this is a guy talking with about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 48 hours to come in them. Talk to me in 7 days, I'm like, oh I just fucking ripped a load over my chest, it felt so good. So I'm hoping that continues to work for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like crying, dude, in the Ninja Turtles, it's just that guys cum just like, meh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cuz the crank's in the guy's belly, isn't he? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just his testes. That's just his testes. You think that's his crumb? That's his crumb. That's all I wanna do is smash turtles when I have too much crumb on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, you're a fucking freak, dude. An hour, one minute. For real? Yeah, freak, dude. You're nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. But, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna do, Chrome dude. I'm gonna do month, I'm gonna do a month of microdosing and see if I can finally not watch porn for a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, you have to understand, there's times I wanna watch porn so bad that I salivate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I get so fucking excited about watching porn that I literally start to salivate and I just get super hard. My head, you ever drink Red Bull and Vodkas when your head starts spinning and feels real hot? When I wanna jerk off, like it's fucking, it's possessive. When I need a crumb, it's like having to take a dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, don't show me, don't trigger me, dude. Shane is showing me fucking porn. Don't trigger me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's twice. I think there's a lot more people hitting the T-porn than people say. But then again, I can see a lot of people going, ew, fuck no, I'm not looking at this, so. It is weird and gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I'm microdosed, I agree with you, it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, I actually was really in the fucking glory hole porn for a while. Really? Yea, I thought it was fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I got into that for a while. Dude, I can't see, like... What's that? I was going to, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Set up on the thing and there's like a body and doggy style and some skinny fucking redneck dude, just like. I need, I need the face. So do I. Show me your face. That's also your, uhm, you need to verify that the woman's actually being pleasured. That's true. That's also very- Big into consent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but from a hunter-gatherer's perspective- I knew you were going for that. It's more- No, you- That's why, like, if a girl looks bored during sex, you lose your boner. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you making that bored sex face? Are you bored with my sex right now dude? Yea dude. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one point I always used to go to of a British, a British lady in a park in a bubble jacket who would like come up and be like, let's have a bad day. And they, dude, this guy like fucked her against a tree and I was like, God, I love this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm desperate to have an orgasm. There's no such thing as a college teen desperate to have an orgasm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, if it was like 56 year old man, with divorced wife, desperate to have an orgasm, I'd be like, alright, I can get behind that. That sounds fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I used to, when I, so obviously I've watched a lot of like fat ass black chick porn. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When there was like, when there was like black, yeaah, I was like, no yeaah, actually, actually I did. Whenever, uh, that's when I got introduced to the idea of like, judging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicks, like judging pussy based on the geographic location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause the guy, I remember this one guy who would always be stoned and like grab a chicks ass while he's fucking like, ooh, this is shot town pussy, ooh, this is good, good pussy out and shot. And wherever he was fucking the chick, he'd ask her where she was from and be like, ooh, this is that H town pussy, ooh, yeah, H town pussy. And he was just like, talk about how good pussy was from different cities. I was like, this guy is the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's what, that's what I was telling you about. About seeing someone's face and seeing interest. You need to see the face. That's why you can't just watch a woman's body. You have to see that she's actually into it. When you watch a porn and a girl's not into it, you're just like, eh. Huh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you have a better chance of being cuckolded if the chick's like, not really enjoying sex with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, it's just, there's, it's not saying it's the end all be all, it's saying it's like a baseline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like the, you know, the newer part of the brain, like the prefrontal cortex that we developed, like later on. I know you know these words. Dude, I'm not trying to- But you know the meaning of the words. I'm not trying to intellectually mock you. Yeah, alright. The PCF, it's like the newer region of, you know, it's our temporal lobe, I hope I said that right, but it's like- Yeah, yeah. The front part that's more like, alright dude- Evolved. Yeah, that's like, don't fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You still need to see her face, that- that's never gonna fucking go away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that just explains like, weirder things people do. It's not the end all be all. And yea, totally you can go, that's the main criticism. It's like, you can just like, explain everything. Just go back and be like, well that's why you did this. That does make sense though, cause that's so sh- If I sense boredom dude, I'm like, I'm done. Fuck this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a microdust dude. Stop watching the goddamn T-Porn dude. I don't watch T-Porn. You said you love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's, uh, someone Camila. Who? Camille or something. I forget. I literally forget the name. You don't remember one name. Brazilian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't really remember them. I know there's, uh, fuck man. There's Camille or something is one of them. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a black chick, Sausage Strokes, Sasha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was Chingy's girlfriend. Chingy's girlfriend? Yea, Chingy lost his career because he was dating a transsexual and he denied it. And like, there's like 50 pictures of them hugging at like award. That's... Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sa- oh, it's not a black lady, it's a brazilian lady. Camila, Camila, Camila or something? Sasha Strokes. Sasha Strokes? She can hit the mannish side. That's the thing, it's like an illusion. Sasha Strokes gets a little tingly. Every now and again they'll hit the mannish side and you're like pfft. You don't like it. I must have hit people I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no like, household teaporn names. Eh, maybe BJ might have actually broke the fucking hair. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, that's part of it. That's, that's, uh. Eww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, Shane punches pilot Gillett, dude. Matt Christ McCusker. Jesus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my. Two thousand years ago people were like, how did they kill Jesus? Now we know, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you were like, hold on, let me let this hooker wash my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there anything else you'd like to talk about, Shane? Something other? August 22nd. Yeah, that'd be sick. August 22nd. That'd be tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About what? Showing discomfort, dude, if you've got my fucking skeletons dragged out of their ancient teaporn burial grounds. What are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it's just so funny to be like, god, if anyone ever, to find out about specific teaporn you watch, instantly people are like, that looks like a fucking deer, and you're like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see on white chicks, here's my thing dude, on white chicks I see the dude more. That's my curse. Brazilians are green light non-stop. You're just like, these are hot chicks. You like the Brazilians. That's just hot chicks. White T-porn, I always see the dude, and I just go, ooh, and it does fucks with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hilarious. No, I've seen a lot, I know a lot of black dudes that took on their father's features. Really? Where like, it would look nothing like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not a fa- I'm- I'm- if I, literally, if I agree with you, I go, yea, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nick Cannon's mom. He's probably got a hot mom. I can look at dudes and see, tell them they have a hot mom. There's dudes I know that have like hot mom, hot sister face. I just typed in LeBron James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cheekbones, cheekbones. His isn't that close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cheekbones are there, but that's the... Kevin Hart, I'll 100% say you have a grand slam, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now, that's your hunter-gatherer theory, and I like it right now with that. I'm just thinking about like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my girlfriend's brother looks exactly like his fucking, like spitting image. It's bizarre. It's actually kinda creepy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was the one? Martin Lawrence? Yea, Martin Lawrence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Bernie Mac does not look like his mom, dude. He got his daddy face. That's my poem. He got his daddy face. Dude, I still can't get over that guy's poem. What's Martin Lawrence's mammy look like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was a hot black conspiracy theory that they had to put, like, uh, Eddie Murphy had to wear a dress. I think Eddie Murphy, I think he was into that. Eddie Murphy was a freaky freak. I think Eddie Murphy got into the T-porn, didn't he? Yeah, he dabbled. He dabbled hard. And he also was married


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hers, she, I don't know man, that's a, that one's like a 7-0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a tough one. Can we go to dad's mom? Yeah. That's so sweet that everyone's moms are on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I microdose tomorrow. Maybe I'll do a check-in for the Patreon dude with my microdose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cool. And I'm like, yeah, that's pretty cool. I'm like, oh wow, cool, I've heard about that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buy what? Buy my book. Oh. I forgot about that. How's that going? Pretty good. I haven't marketed it at all. And I was correct, I had a couple little typos, so check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta type in Overlook McCusker, Overlook Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, we've been getting some nice, uh, Twitter's been jumping, podcasts, we're up to a hundred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chillin dude. What's happening? I just filled you in. I just filled you in. I just got the full scoop. We had to delete it. Cause it was, there was too much. It was too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. What a weekend. What a- Thursday till now has just been- You praised- I'm just getting wins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Notre Dame fucked them up. Now the final score was only 24-17. Michigan scored late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To cut it, to make it a little respectful. They took the starters out. They returned to kick off. Michigan was hanging around, but Notre Dame fucked them up. It was nice. Defense showed up. That's a good omen. Praised Allah. It was sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say this, the last time I went through a breakup, Notre Dame went to the national championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Uhm, but yeah, so that was, uh, the game was great. Yeah. Fucking trucker blood the whole way out. Went from New York, New York to Philly on the train. Uh huh. Stopped, took, took BB girl out for a nice vegan date. Did you really? Took the baby girl out for a date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just hopped on a train to Harrisburg from Philly after the date. Nice fucking date. What a date. One of the best dates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's the best. And then, uh, hopped in a rented car, drove straight out south then. Got there at 7am. Damn dude. All night. Got there at 7am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, but then, uh. So we drive out, go to the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uh, this is hilarious. So I took, me and O'Connor went out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my aunt, we stayed at my aunt and uncle's house. And my aunt, sweetest lady in the world. I don't know if I should fucking put her on blast like this, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like big plates of just dog shit food and like, I knew it was coming, but watching, watching O'Connor have to like eat like, so the first night we're out there she makes meatball subs. This is what she said. It was just, there was no, it was like sloppy Joe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was great. And then like 10 pounds of potato salad on the side, like a mountain of it. And it's just like, alright guys, I made you food. She also makes food and then leaves it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until someone comes home. And then she microwaves it. Okay. So there's just a plate of fucking like potato salad sitting in the kitchen for like three hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's also from the coal region. Really? She's from like, Shamokin, PA. Damn, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what, my aunt, my aunt does not have a problem with dry. She is a problem with every single thing is soaking wet for no reason. I have no idea, dude. So for breakfast on Saturday morning, she's like, do you guys want breakfast? It's just like, fuck. Fuck, here it comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's got two, this is one plate, she's got two bagel, ham, egg and cheese bagel sandwiches, and then scallop potatoes. Like cheese scallop potatoes for breakfast. Like a mountain of potatoes. And the bagels were like soaking wet. I have no idea, it was chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also had no taste. Not one single thing she made differentiated. The meatball sub that was just like ground beef and ketchup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She made eggs that were just literally covered in pepper. You couldn't even see the eggs. There's so much fucking pepper on it. And me and O'Connor are looking at each other like, fuck dude. That's so funny. You gotta eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so enough trashing my ants cooking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, get home. Last night, get some really, really impressive news. Really good news coming down the pipeline from some friends of mine. Did you really? I got some inside, a little inside scoop about what's going on with my ex. Did you really? Yeaah. How she's moving on and how she's moving on. How she's handling the breakup. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, we'll leave it there. Got some names, got some pictures and some life stories of people involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and also, I don't want to fucking shit on her, but it's like... What'd I think? What'd I think was next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said that to her. I was like, I know who you're gonna date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody here, somebody not fucking going anywhere, somebody that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't want to give any information away because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The animals that listen to this podcast will search and destroy, which I don't want to be involved in their life like that, but it's just great news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things are looking up. Also, BB girl, dude. Baby girl is queen now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Doesn't take much. What was back in order? It took, it took one weekend. Yeah. Took last weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it took longer than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like two weeks. Maybe three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been mad and sad about things for like three weeks for like no reason. I understand yours is just sleep. But it's like, I'm walking around like, nobody's ever happy, life is stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to hear your thoughts on the female ego of the dossier I slid across your desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, BB girl's not. Dude, me and BB girl are together forever. There's nothing that's gonna stop us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BB girl's gonna listen to this episode. We're definitely done. We're definitely done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think I've probably dated some Aussies. I think I've hit some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dossier is, it's so troubling that I almost contacted my ex-girlfriend and be like, yo, there are things out there that you guys need to eliminate. Because if the people I associate with get a hold of this, all three of us are gonna be unhappy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you just click subscribe, let them know who's watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delete. They then, they would have to be deleted but then that makes me look like a fucking insane person. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you gotta hit, somebody needs to hit them maybe with a little subscribe and be like, you got some stuff up here you might wanna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think is gonna happen? You think JP will fuckin' sink his ship, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some people can't exercise and I fucks with that. I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy, and then he like... To get out of a good bum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of being bummed, dude. You just need a fucking baby girl. Exactly. You need a good baby girl to come through. You know what baby girls love? What? Naughty boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this doctor went to Schiavi's mic and hit the n-word?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, dude. Hitting a fucking N-word on an open mic is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah man, I'm telling you, I can't believe you- You're at war with rogues.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's got girl brain. He smells periods. I love you picking up the scent dude. That's probably why you had such a problem with Peterson's chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I can't get BB Girl off my mind, dude. That's all that matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's literally all it took. It's crazy. Friday night after the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eye contact. And I was like, well, I'm in love. I was like, oh, I love you. I was like, I'm so sad. I was out front, like, smoking a cigarette. People were coming up, like, great show. I was like, thanks bro. Thanks. I was all sad. Then she just hit me with a hard eye contact and I was like, I'm the best ever. I love you. I love you. I was like, what is your name? I need you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she'll hear this, and that's that. I don't think so dude, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a BB girl, you're 24 and under. Yeaah. Then when you turn 25, you're BB, you're a lady, lady girl. Here's Atlantis to be 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You become a BB lady and then naughty boys stay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're an MB, you fucking stay naughty forever. They live forever. And BB girls love naughty bees. But baby ladies, not a big fan of the naughty bees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the way we're going through our dark phases has been very different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I just, the only way I can do it is just keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use my art as a vehicle to get rid of all this sadness and bring nothing but love inside of me. Dude, it's absolutely vital. And find BB girls, just find beautiful BB girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I first met BB girl, I didn't, I didn't remember her name because I thought it was just a casual encounter after a show, just a casual encounter. And I thought there was a guy with her that I, I don't know who, I thought he was her boyfriend. So then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, this is crazy. So then they walk away. Yeah, they walk away and BB girl stops, hits a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, yeah, we get back in the green room. So there's like, what's going on? I was like, dude, I'm fucking in love right now. He was like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, who? What's her name? I was like, fucking, who? Baby girl?


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[Assistant] If there's more than one naughty B in a house, naughty boys don't fucking chill well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes. Chattels? Is that what we're calling normal dudes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'll figure it out. Uhm, yeaah, they can, you can fucking ruin a normal boy's life into becoming, making him a naughty bee. That's true. You know what I mean? Some trauma will shake you into being a naughty bee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I think I was raised chattel. Really? And then flipped into a naughty bee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, what happens is you get the chattel feelings and then a BB girl comes and is like, get rid of these fucking gay chattel feelings. True. And you're just straight back to naughty bees. That's true. I was hard chattel for like three, four weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then one fucking glance from a BBJ dude and I'm straight naughty bees.


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[Assistant] Good, uh, good friend of mine is also going through a breakup right now. Really? She contacted me. We had a nice conversation about- Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardcore. But I think he ended up being a naughty bee. I think he ended up being a secret naughty bee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, he ended up being a secret naughty bee. She didn't know. What? Yeaah, he was a secret naughty bees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's a fucking tool. This guy was, I knew him too. He's a complete fucking tool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a boy? So that's the double naughty? See that's when it's a problem. Double naughty is gliding dude, that's the last thing you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okani got naughty with a boy this weekend. What? Okani went out. Alright, so we went to this bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so funny. We were all fucked up. And we went to this bar called The Linebacker by Notre Dame Stadium. It's like where everyone goes. The Linebacker is the fucking, it's rowdy. Naughty B, BB Girl Central. I wasn't ready for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were trying to get tickets to the game and this gay dude was there, this old gay dude, and O'Connor I guess started trying to get tickets from this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] O'Connor like, was like flirting with- He was hot-shaking him? He hot-shaked an old gay dude, gave him his phone number.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] O'Connor was fucking hammered. Of course, it's hilarious when you don't. And O'Connor was getting texts from this guy the rest of the night and the next day of like, hey, hey, where are you? Hey, what are you doing? You wanna do some shots? Where are you? Like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like damn dude, O'Connor is like a hot, scrumptious, naughty bee. And this fucking old gay geezer was about to fuck with it. Naughty wizard dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was funny too because we were out, we were out for a while, we were out for like six hours, but I looked over and O'Connor's like shirt was unbuttoned more and his hair was like messed up straight up. I was like, you just gayed? You just tried to trick a dude into tickets by hottin' him? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I bet, I bet you could have. But that would have required us hanging out more with this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. So then that old dude texted him about this tailgate the next day, Saturday morning. He was like, well, this is where we're going to be drinking. We ended up at that tailgate and then O'Connor found, cause we were like, holy shit, that's that dude. And O'Connor was like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was thin, but he was like a tall. He was probably like 55 and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful hair. Silver Fox, dude. He would've, he would've put a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would have put a hurt in on O'Connor's butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. And O'Connor fucking catfished him hard. Like it was like, he gave him the signals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Connie gave him the same look BB Girl gave me after that show. And that old gay wizard was just instantly...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, he probably thought me and O'Connor were gay. Cause we stood together the entire time, and like, I would get drinks, then O'Connor would go get drinks, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night, we, we had a couple. It was good. It was nice. We were looking at fucking stars. Connor had like a star app out. Then I was like, is Connor trying to fuck me now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a good weekend. That's awesome. Notre Dame fucking balled out. It was sick. It was great. My cousin Frank, who's a lunatic, got stuck at the turnpike, so he was in front of us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Indiana tolls are like all automated, uh, and they just weren't taking, it wasn't taking his money. So then it was at 7 15 a.m.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's now like a traffic jam of people trying to go to work. And Frank, my cousin Frank was up front like trying to get it. And I was two cars behind him and I knew he didn't know. So I like rolled down the, I started beeping like as hard as I could, rolled the window down. I was like, come on asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're holding up, asshole! And he was like, Hey fuck you! Fuck you, buddy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When being able to call him an asshole is really fun. No ideas, wipes like holding his shoulder. He's a naughty bee dude, don't fucking get out naughty, hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the news when my fucking secret agent gave me the dossier about my fucking BB ladies new channel was groundbreaking. I was smiling ear to ear. I was like, get the fuck out of here. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All for not. All for not. And that always happens. Of course. And I knew this was gonna happen eventually. It's like the last time I was in a breakup I was like, don't be fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After the break up, stop acting like a pussy the entire time. And then this one was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I initiated it and then was still like, I can't believe she fucking left. And it's like, yeah, of course she fucking left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a baby lady, I'm out in the fucking city, being a fucking naughty B, running into fucking BBGs all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No fucking BB lady's gonna sit back and allow that. We'll try. She did. She held on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please get into doomsday prepping. I mean, I'm not gonna get into it, but this guy- You're gonna have some supplies. It starts with a book bag. You're gonna have a book bag. I already have that. Ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this thing- Some things go forever. Do that. Me and BB girl. Some things last definitely forever. And definitely not till the next podcast when I'm like, I'm fucking sad again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's... What do you think happens if... You think I would lose baby girl if there was an apocalypse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've thought of that. I've thought of like, if you're strapped to a fucking chick during like a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horrible event. Yeaah. You gotta just straight naughty be it. You gotta go alone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine those relationships where the girl's in control. And that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys got out there, the waves, it was choppy and you guys panicked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I texted her this. I explained her this joke. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I wanted to explain to her that like, cause I hope she understood why it was funny to call myself a fucking naughty boy. And I don't think a lot of girls would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's crazy, I met her, this was after like hanging out with her once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean like you're baby girl dude, I fucking love you baby girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, yo, I'm fucking killing the game, lady. Stick around, BB girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what happens a lot of times is BB girls love jokes. BB ladies hate jokes after a while, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, I remember some BB girls that were great. Yeah man. And once you hit BB ladydom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a tough fact. I think we're both fried right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fucking stomach doesn't work. Dude, a fart that stays in the car when you run in somewhere and then you get back out. Like, oh yea, I forgot you were here. It fucking stinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fucking texting BB girl and I was like, this is fucking sick. This is incredible. And I was like, hold on, I gotta go get in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] BB girl came in and just, look at the fucking tempo of the podcast right now, just one BB girl. We're invigorated dude. Fires in dude, gets the naughty bees going dude. It's insane. You can feel the energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that was your naughty bee coming out. It all takes a little bit of Febreze in the face, dude. And then you're full fucking like, I'm outta here. You gotta slam, dude. I'm fucking walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Break stuff. That's a buck. That's bucking. She's hanging on, you gotta buck occasionally. Can't just be a trot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've, I'm, I'm just gonna be like, dude, if baby girl's gonna piss me off, dude, I'm just punching holes in every wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's posting hot Instagram pictures. Every time a dude, a random fucking naughty boy comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's years in the future. Right now it's all just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I tried to explain to her Indian dudes on Instagram. I was like, show me your bobs. I need your vagina. Move shirt, bitch. Show me bobs. I don't know how that went. I feel like that didn't go as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something. It's either the best or the worst.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they'll know. Everybody knows. There's naughty, naughty girls, or baby girls, are 23 and under, 25 and under. Then, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck dude, I gotta remember this guy's name. I don't know, somebody asked me on Twitter to fucking shout them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hayden Spivey, dude. Hayden, Hayden. Shout out fucking Hayden. What up, bull? Uh, sorry. I know you were doing something sick. I was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll come back. It'll come back. That's a good thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also shout out Sarah Palin. What up girl? Thanks for the fucking shout out. Keep em coming. Fuck yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're good. This weekend. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Friday, yeaah, Friday the 7th. That'll be good. Also, rumors of a BB girl appearance. There's rumors of a BB girl in attendance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if they feast their eyes on BB Girl, they'd be like, yo, that's a naughty bee, slinging. They'd know. Uh, and then the eighth of it lands down theater. Uh, lands down theater. Uhm, also,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, so. That's it, man. We did it. What a fucking turn around. Wow. Wow. Chop one BB lady. In comes a fucking BBG out of the fucking Woodworks. Next thing you know, you find out the chattel. You get the dossier on the new chattel. That's the definition of chattel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's textbook Chad. Yeah. Got him. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happened, and I was getting spun, and I was like, oh man, life sucks, and then BAM, Fortuna smiled upon me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I'm gonna lose BB girl? I'm not saying that. Fortuna blessed me with BB G's. Fortuna?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a naughty bee and the establishment was clear-chatteled him. Yeah. And they tried everything to stop a naughty bee, which is what they do. They try to get in the way of strong naughty bees and they couldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the room right now. Yeaah. It's almost like you can hear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can hear the sadness in this room. Anyway, it's election day, man. Are you gonna get out and vote? I'm gonna fucking get out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is our election day. I don't know where to go. This is a special episode. I know, I know. Election day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the Republicans just started mistreating people. I know. That's what I think bothers me the most is that people act like they know better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This whole thing's a butt fuck. All of a sudden because you, like it's like they're clearly being manipulated. Big time. The people making those types of statements are being manipulated. And now they're gonna stand on a fucking soapbox and be like, get out and vote right now. It's like no dude, you're a moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're getting tricked by a fucking political party into being- using this as morality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is anything I'm saying making sense? I just woke up. Literally just woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a next level of basic, there's a higher up level of self aware fucking idiots. For sure, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a New York voting sticker image on Instagram. Why don't you read that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice dude, who ripped that one? Employ your right and protect those that can't. Hashtag vote, hashtag black lives matter. That's a white lady. Obviously, that's a white lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, he goes, politics ruined my life. That's how I got into standup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just washing dishes and someone was like, yeah, you want to come to an open mic? I was like, yeah, sure. I was like, I can get into this. Next thing I know, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any politician that goes the fucking tough guy route is a fucking pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like him, this fat fucking douche. Kent Sorensen. I'm so glad his fucking son killed himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kent Junior, dude. Kent Junior fucking bit the bullet just cause his dad was a fat fucking pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're bigger than me? Yes. You're my dad. You're my dad now. I vote for you, dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'll check his story out, but so far the bullet points of him to me make this guy sound like a big fucking moron.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that guy walked in here right now, I'd be like, actually I take back everything I said. You're the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine being a fucking hard ass, like a tough guy and then also being like gay people. I believe in the institution of marriage. I think this guy was just riding your Harley and you love the institution of marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just tightening fucking bolts every day, just like god damn faggots. God damn faggots trying to ruin me and my wife's thing. Me and my wife got a good thing going on, I don't want these faggots ruining it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one thing that's been making me laugh a lot is all the fucking- I'm gonna be bummed all the political ads are done for another year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every game, every sports match I watch, in between every commercial is just an attack ad on a complete stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the third district congressman from fucking some county. Like literally the only time I've ever seen any of these politicians is when their face is on TV and they're getting fucking crushed. Like it's just a stranger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's so funny to just be like, the only thing I've ever heard about any of these politicians is that they suck. I know. So it's like just a picture of an Asian dude and it's like, Andy Kim is a fucking liar. Look at this piece of shit. The next commercial is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amy Swanson is a dumb cunt. Are you gonna let her fuck your wife? I don't think so, you pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They always take like a caveat in a bill that's like, so technically you're taking money away from the kids. It's like, well yea, cause I wanted to give them more, so I didn't sign that bill because I wanted to give a larger chunk of change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jim Stevenson hates medicine. There's one guy around here that's really funny and it's like, he's been flying to get underage prostitutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are allegations. So they're like, in the commercial, they even have to say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, think of getting on that plane. Just shoulder to shoulder with big boys. Just boners dude. Fat boys bumping into each other, little creeps, little weird creeps. Oh my god dude. That's like, you know how they made Soul Plane for black people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should make a Thailand plane for fucking pedophiles. For perverts. For perverts and pedophiles. That's a sick movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had like Snoop flying the Soul Plane, you could get like Jared from Subway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the classic perverts on one plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Sandusky has probably changed his ways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what, that's what, that's what, that's what got him on the plane. Yeah dude. Just like a complete, could have happened to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now he's on here with some real perverts and he's gonna take them down. Who's Cyrus the virus? Who's the virus, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hannibal Lecter is definitely- Sandusky. Sandusky is like number one on the pedophiles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Costly was a time where in the 70s you could, you could roofie chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was like a- It was legal. It was. It was culturally legal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nice man, what'd you give her? I roofied her, I raped her. Sick, that's great man, that's groovy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he should have been grandfathered into those rapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all. Yeah, that was a, again, very inappropriate and I apologize for my- What? That comment I just made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta, I'm starting now, I'm having a blossoming career right now, and the last thing I need is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get audited hard, probably the next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We know. Here's one. Yea, we hear the echo, dude. We hear the echo on the phone calls. We know you're listening, you fucking snake pussies. Just be funny. Uh, that was gay. Uhm, watch the Simonage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a new show, bro. How is it? It's... Is it like indie and all that? Almost as bad as you can imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got a patriot, it's called Patriot Act and it's on Netflix. It's a weekly show. He basically picked up Michelle Wolf's fumble and was like, let's just cut even trying to be funny and just do straight news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just standing on a fucking, it's, it's, you gotta see it, it's fucking chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he's still keeping his standard. My father's an immigrant, so he wants me to get good grades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the joke, non-stop. That is the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just when you think about like the USS Indianapolis. Yeah dude. And all those brown guys that died on that boat. I know, that's just true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the fuck I'm saying, but uh. He was saying his show is just him reading the news you said? Yea, he goes through news stories, he's doing- And then looks at the camera and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his hand motions are worse than ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gotten cooler, you're saying. He's gotten significantly cooler. No. I just wanna fuckin', I wish I was gay enough to write an article. And just be like, yo, brown people. Stop calling yourselves that, first off. And also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please stop appropriating black culture. It fucking sickens me that you guys think that that's acceptable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one I sent you. That's another one. That one's entirely just being like, what if we were obnoxious black people? That's the premise of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, the joke is Indian people acting black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like- They saw How High, and they were like, that's pretty much us. Yes. Like, we're just outsiders in a white world that are just too cool for these white people. Yes. It's like, nah dude, that was Wu-Tang. That was fucking Redman and Method Man. You're not that. I know. You're Redman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we also have other white people that are like, you're a fucking corny idiot. Stop, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if there's like, say it's like a white- They're being allowed to because the people that run the comedy industry are white chicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A friend of mine sent this to me, and it was really funny. He was like, I think, uh, I think critics of comedy have a fucking diversity problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's literally every comedy critic is a white chick. A young white chick. Pretty funny. That is pretty interesting. He sent me a bunch of their profiles, it's hilarious. Who, what is a comedy critic? Uh, Kimberly Ricci, Anna Menta,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All hilarious. And they all write, yeaah, it's just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all write for like, yea, I'll tell you, they're fucking credits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, film and TV editor, writer at Uproxx. Pretty decent at yoga.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one. FilmTVCulturewriter at Newsweek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Linda Holmes writes and edits for NPR's entertainment and pop culture blog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he, no article. He just, he just screamed. Oh, this is just a dude's observation. He knows. Yea. Yo man. He's just screenshotting fucking comedy critics. It's all short haired white chicks. They're also the gatekeepers. So, goes back to the Indians being cool. Yea. It's like yea, to, uh, to Laura Bradley.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who writes at MPR, she's like, oh yea, you've got a dark, you've got more melanin than me, so technically, legally you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're out, get outta here. I don't know if, here, will you hit pause for a second? Yeah, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back, dude. We're back. Just had to, just had to give Matt a good dossier on the fucking... Oh my god. New York Philly comic that is going, ah, no, it's, it's going full fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going full revolutionary and it is comical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's the same people. Like the guy that I just showed you on Facebook, that's a guy who, if he was in Syria, he'd be like, I'm ISIS. For sure. You know? This is the cause.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, I think people also fucking hate hearing us talk about social justice in comedy. Who? I don't know, I think people get tired of that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need to police other comics. Tell them how to do their shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I had a bad set and somebody came on after me and talked shit. Oh my god, I was so mad. Oh, I was fucking spaz, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. It reminds me of when I made my mom cry watching a movie. We went to see I Am Legend together and it was right when my dog Shaq died. Shaquille, Reggie, Pongo, Brooks, O'Neal, Gillis went up R.I.P.


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[Assistant] I wanted to name him Pongo when I was a kid. Pongo's a great name for it. Shaq is a sick name. Shaq's a great name. But Pongo? Where'd you get Pongo from? It was 101 Dalmatians. That's a good name. Yeah, Pongo. I used to love 101 Dalmatians. But uh, that was like the first time I swore too. I remember it. I remember where I was too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you cursed during 101 Dalmatians? No, I wanted to name Shaq 100- I wanted to name him Pongo. Yeah. And the whole family- we were in the van. Of course. And everybody agreed, Shaq.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my dad, somebody wanted Reggie Brooks, which is hilarious.


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[Assistant] To name a dog, he was a running back in the day. Fucking Reggie Brooks. But, uh, I remember I got out.


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[Assistant] When I didn't get my way, I was like crying and I stood in the doorway of the garage and everyone was still getting out of the car and I turned around and I said, fucking Shaq's an asshole name. Ran in and cried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a Jackson asshole, man. But, uh, we were watching I Am Legend and-


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[Assistant] Years later, this is, Shaq was old, 16 years later, 16 years later, we put Shaq down and we're sitting there and I was sitting next to my mom and it was at the scene where Will Smith's killing his dog. And my mom loved, Shaq and my mom, Shaq fucking loved my mom. Really? He was the only person he liked. Oh my god. Only person he listened to and liked. And then...


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[Assistant] Well that's cause she does the, she does the mom thing and that's what made me think of it too. It was like whenever you say something mean to her she's like


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[Assistant] Thinking about it. That's what you gotta do. Don't take it to fucking Sandals. No. Go to like, go to Europe or something.


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[Assistant] I'm a motherfucker with that. If I hold the door for someone and they don't say it, I say, you're welcome. As loud as I can. Yeah, that's... Yeah, that bothers the fuck out of me.


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[Assistant] Someone like walks through like on their phone or something or like totally ignores it. It's just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? What a psycho. What a fucking bitch. Oh, I saw it. Speaking of psychos, I saw probably one of the funniest videos I've seen in a while last night. What? Uh, Mekki sent me this. It's this dude.


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[Assistant] Was sleep. He lived in a fucking Waffle House attic.


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[Assistant] But he starts to fall, like the people in the restaurant notice that he's starting, the ceiling's starting to collapse. And like you hear somebody working be like, maybe it's a maintenance guy, and then this dude falls out.


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[Assistant] This dude falls out like a tank top and just casually walks out and just starts fighting. What? He just fights his way out. What? Nobody was even trying to block him. He falls through the ceiling. Of course not. He falls through the ceiling and just beats the shit out of a guy and runs out. It's so fucking funny. Holy fuck dude. I just love it. I was dying last night imagining him like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting in a chair, laying in a bed up there, whatever cot he had, and then like starting to fall, and him being like, this is it, this is what I trained for. He just falls through, beats the shit out of a guy, and runs out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Immediately swung on a dude and ran out. I love the idea too, the dude that got attacked.


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[Assistant] That's awesome. Yeah, that's, if things go bad, I'm gonna try to get up in a Waffle House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could break into fucking GameStop, you could play all night, go to Annie Anne's, craft yourself a pretzel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I've been just laughing in my head thinking of that guy. The thought process of laying there and the ceiling starting to collapse and being like, alright, this is it. This is the moment I've been mentally prepared for. I gotta fight immediately and run.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a Terminator. He landed like naked and was like, where's y'all? He just landed and fought a guy. It's amazing.


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[Assistant] Like, what's his endgame? Like, what are you doing, dude?


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[Assistant] You gotta hide every day. Every day you're hiding. You're quiet, yea. I thought about it, he must have gone to the bathroom.


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[Assistant] Like above the stall, crawled in and out there.


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[Assistant] Because then you can come down and just walk out when it's busy and just walk out of the bathroom and go outside.


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[Assistant] Full hookup. That's definitely him manipulating a fucking moron. For sure. Two morons getting together. Yea, that's definitely- Be like, I got evicted. She's like, I got a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being up there with your thoughts is a nightmare. Yeaah, it would be horrible.


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[Assistant] Oh come on! You're like, what the fuck? Pretty sure there's a guy up there.


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[Assistant] How many, are you going to go down and defend it? You're going to stop that caravan. I'm going to let the man dude. You like the caravan.


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[Assistant] You think history's gonna look back and be like, damn, wish we would've kept our guns. Fuck yea dude. You think that's gonna happen? It could. It could. I mean yea, that's worst case scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching this, uh, there's this shitty gangster movie in Ireland that's on Netflix or Amazon, I forget. Oh, it's on Netflix and they don't have guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, you better get the fuckin' safe, where's the safe out there? I'd rather fuckin' have a gun than someone hitting me with a fuckin' hammer. The guy will hit you with a hammer. Thick Irish dude with a hammer? It's all red face.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the idea that the right side of history is like, oh man, I wish we would have kept our guns. Could, I'm hedging my bets. That's a terrifying prospect. What are you, or? Or we just keep.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we keep having school shootings and uh, ridiculous amounts of gun deaths in this country. Yeah, but it's, yeah I guess so. I mean,


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[Assistant] Is, is that future worse than having more school shootings? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So someone fainted and the crowd sang Amazing Grace?


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[Assistant] And then it's like, then they defend it by being like, sorry, we're Christian, and this is a Christian country.


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[Assistant] That's sick that those lads just saw that fence and were like, that literally means nothing. Fences mean nothing, dude.


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[Assistant] We have to feel like you should have a gun in your house. You should microdose and be a cop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I were you, I would take mushrooms and become a Philadelphia police officer.


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[Assistant] It'd be Red Dead Redemption, dude. Ah, that'd be awesome. You'd be riding around with a horse just being like Hattie.


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[Assistant] Fuck yeaah, let's do this. And instantly get arrested. So this episode will come out after the elections.


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[Assistant] Probably, right? Yeaah. The elections are tonight.


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[Assistant] I know, drop two. I like dropping two. So do I. I like having an erratic schedule. If you have it, if you have time today to... Drop it? Yeah, pre-election.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yea fuck it. I'd say drop it. Who cares? Give the boys a double dose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just going to say, what's your predictions?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. I swear to god I think it's gonna go Republican again. I think so. And it's gonna be hilarious.


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[Assistant] It's gonna be, it's not great. Either way, it's not good.


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[Assistant] Oh really? Because a month ago is when they were like, it's a blue wave. This is going to be a land slide.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this whole thing. I really don't care. I really don't give a fuck. The whole thing fucking sucks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I think that's pretty much everybody's mentality. Yeah. And then they just latch onto one. And they're like, this is my team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where's your parents? Your parents think I'm being a pederast right now? Definitely. Cause the one- Old white dude in the park, most likely dressed like a pedophile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True that. True that, dude. Almost definitely dressed like a pedophile.


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[Assistant] Hasan had a joke, he has an episode about, uh, affirmative action. And one of the jokes is he brings up a picture of the 1950 NBA champions. And he was like, this affirmative action started in 1961. He's like, obviously we needed it. Look, these are the best basketball players in the world. And it was all white dudes.


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[Assistant] Indian dudes might be the least athletic- Indians and Arabs might be the least athletic people on earth. I stand by that.


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[Assistant] It's like British baseball. I have no idea how it works. Games take five days. Yea, it sucks. No one knows what's going on.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's a funny joke to be like, obviously we need affirmative action. This is the 1950 champions. Yeah. It was all white dudes, but I was watching it just like, bro, those white dudes would handle you. 1950s white dudes would fucking bully you, Hassan. You're saying on the court?


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[Assistant] Yeah, and in real life, dude, those guys were fucking beasts. Yeah, that's true. They were fucking good. They played for the Lakers. I mean, it was 1950, and it was, again, all Lakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys a good high school team? Like a Oak Hill? There's like academies in the game. They would get murdered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a hell of a sport, dude. It is. It's really good. I've met my dad coaches fucking girls basketball, and I make fun of him constantly. I'm like, girls basketball sucks. And he's like, oh, you know what, Shane, they listen to coaches. That's what I like. I'm like, why can't you coach guys? Just coach guys, you fucking weirdo. What did he say? He's like, I'd end up hitting them. He's like, I'd fight them. Don't be careful, dude. You might get, you might get caught up, dude. Probably.


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[Assistant] But now when you start to get into the geezer years, that's when you start to really just let loose and be like, that girl's hot, fuck it. Yea, I mean, he might be grand


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[Assistant] The game would stop. If somebody saw it, the whole crowd would be like woah, woah, woah.


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[Assistant] How did I get here, dude? What's up, guys? How you doing? Dude. Good lift. I can't even imagine.


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[Assistant] I can't even imagine being a guy that would be like, that would look down upon someone being like, dude, high school chicks are hot as fuck, like there's no way I could work there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine how many of those teachers jerk off to after school porn. You know what I mean? Oh my god. Dude, if I was a teacher, I would be jerking off to teacher porn. All day.


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[Assistant] Alright, so here's another fucking horrendous thought.


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[Assistant] This is all, at least we'll definitely never have a teaching career after this. Sure. For sure I'll never be a teacher after this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so you're a, you're a 25 year old high school teacher. Yea. You see, you see some hot?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell a freshman's gonna be hot someday. For sure. She's boring. For sure. Sophomore year, she's getting a little hotter. She comes back junior, senior year, full fucking tits. Oh my god, dude. Think of that summer tit progression.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like, the last time you saw her, then the next time you see her, she's got giant tits, and you're like, h-hey, y-you developed.


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[Assistant] I'm not saying- I mean, yea dude, everybody has that vocation. I'm called to that now, dude. I wish I was working with-


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[Assistant] You gotta go, don't you? Yeah. Alright, we ripped her. Alright, dog. We tore her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got through all the political dumb bullshit, we got to how hot high school kids are. Imagine being a science teacher in a lab, big titted fucking kid comes in and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time I'd be staring at that fucking, those buttons. Just be like, I would rip those apart.


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[Assistant] Dude, that's why those fucking nuns-


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[Assistant] They know? Yeah, dude. And you're, you're the fucking authority figure? Those fucking teens would love to fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I did teach at a kid's school though. It had zero, zero issue at all. Like so much so that one of the kids when I was leaving Spain gave me her email address and was like, we can FaceTime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yea, of course. Like I didn't even think about it. And another teacher came up to me and was like, yo, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Don't take someone's fucking info like that, you weirdo.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she works at the waffle house. That's why that guy's living upstairs. That was Stacey's lab teacher. He's upstairs watching her every day.


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[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. I never even thought about the, like a teacher watching a girl develop from freshman to senior year. That's so disgusting. That's so gross, dude. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a girl. We had a lady. We had a lady too. And we know how that went. Yep.


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[Assistant] I forgot about that. She was texting people. I shouldn't have said that.


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[Assistant] That's why nuns went around catholic school and were fucking measuring skirt lengths. You know what I mean? They're like, pull your fucking skirt down.


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[Assistant] That's like, dude, in public schools where girls can dress however they want? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Day one, take him, hand him my gun and my badge right away.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know if this is a good episode for us to release. This is great. It is hilarious, dude. This is great. It is hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was watching, uh, I told you when I watched Sicario 2. There's like a hot kid in it.


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[Assistant] The girl, there's like a girl that gets kidnapped. She's like a cartel leader's daughter. And she's super hot. She's like fucking like 16 or 15 when they filmed it. God damn. Dude, it's insane. Yeaah. That's fucking wild.


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[Assistant] Let's do it. Yea, you wanna wrap this one up? Let's get outta here, dude. Yea, this is...


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[Assistant] Eventually the only way this goes is one of us says something too far. Uh, so yeaah. God bless. Uh, if this comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter when we, we should release it soon. We should pop too, we should pop prematurely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm. People will be happy. November 15th. If you live in fucking Syracuse, come to that show. I have a show November 15th in Syracuse. Fuck yea. That's it. Let's do it. Alright. God bless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever, whoever sells those stickers must be- Oh my god. Business is a boomin' dude. That might be the cabal that's behind everything.


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[Assistant] They just get triggered, dude. There's like young, beautiful girl. Boom. Hater. I hate her. Yeah, it's true.


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[Assistant] Well, dude, I'm telling you, you look good. You look good. Thanks. You don't look, pin up at all. You look like, you look like things are just flowing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of here. He knocked up M.A.A. I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that, what's that song he did? No, it's not that. He did. Did he do like the Bieber? He did all of Bieber's fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think about ol' Norm, dude? Did you see him kiss the ring?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was, what'd you see? He was like, getting a little passive aggressive digs in there too, a lot of people.


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[Assistant] Like in a way that like, not saying he was being like a bitch about it, but it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you filmed it, you made it, like you just want people to see it. And then it's like all of it goes to nothing. It's like...


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[Assistant] They accused him of saying that like, Louie- Louie had it worse than his victims. And he was like, yeah, well, I'm saying in this situation. He was like, they haven't experienced this situation.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it does suck how they do that. That's why I don't talk to the press, dude.


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[Assistant] They fucked, I told you they fucked me. When did the press fuck you? When I won Philly's Funniest, they lied to me, dude. What'd they do? They faked news to me and told me that I was gonna be in the oddball festival. And I told my whole family, and then they were like, like, literally a week before, like, yeah, that was a, that was a journalistic error. You're not in it. I was like, what? Oh, oh cool. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy, it was an insane line up, and uh, I don't trust the press, bro. Fuck the press. I would never talk to them. You don't talk to the press?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, not at all. Dude, it sucks though, that's what happened. Now it seems like in comedy, if you wanna go through the big networks, you gotta kiss the ring. They're not lettin' people, they're not lettin' Mavericks through anymore, dude. Like, he could've, he could've, if he had his own show, he'd just be like, fuck off. If he had, if he just did like, I don't know, I think comedy's in a bad state right now.


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[Assistant] He was a writer for Roseanne. He was originally. Was he really? And I think he was on the new one. The new Roseanne was pretty funny. I'm telling you, I was watching it like, this is surprisingly good. I bet it sucked. I'm telling you man. It had to suck. But again, I'm going off the format of an ABC show. I was like, this is a, I would watch it, I would turn it on and watch it. I would like, catch up on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. No, it's funny though, uh, Dave Chappelle said pretty much anything Norm MacDonald said, and worse in his special.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there were so many times he could have fired back real quick and been like, well actually, but he was just like, he seemed scared to speak and the whole crowd was like, yeaah. At one point he was like, well, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. And he's like started thinking before he said anything and they're like, it seems like you're hesitating before you speak. And the whole crowd just started like cheering. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is weird, man. This is bizarre. Did you enjoy Bayard? So I'm not like, well I'm actually really good friends with Louis CK and uh, it's like, are you? Are you? She's like, what he should have done is he should have came out and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, then like the two other girls on there, like the hot or younger chicks who aren't comedians, whoever they are, they were like saying how like, you know, you say something and like you regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, like, they were talking about that as comedians, and they were like, well, even us is like, her, she's a lawyer, and I'm a whatever. They're like, even we deal with this, and, uh, Whoopi was like, no, no, you don't. It's not, it's not nothing, not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm juicing you up a little bit, you're a little low. There we go. He's a fucking, he's a comedian. My bad dude, I'm just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I suck. You just fucking cum drained, dude. I've... Yo, chill. What? Chill. I'm over here getting denied for sex like a man, dude. I'm over here like, alright, alright, maybe tomorrow, alright. This is what I wanted to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you activated the Little Mermaid song in her head, dude. She, the day she heard that, I was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the weirdest part of that. Remember when I was on online dating, it's like, you stay up all night with a chick? You're kinda golden the next day. It's like you do need sleep, unless...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Unless you're just holding in all your farts next to like a beautiful young girl. Then you wake up the next day and you're like, I feel fucking great. Then like at three you hit a wall and you're like, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's not a fun state of affairs of like when they fall with the specter of a breakup, like you hover in among a couple and you're both just kind of like, eh. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, dude, I, yeah, when you like, you start having sex and stop halfway through and you're like, ah, I don't, I just, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what a sad time. That's ground zero, dude. That is ground zero. I see, yeah, I've been in things like that where it's like, what do you do? Don't, what do you do? And I'm like, you know what? I'm not gonna get fucking, I'm not gonna get criticized during sex. I'm done. I'm just gonna stop. I'm gonna go downstairs now. Nooo. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no going back. No, I'm gonna have sex now. Why, you're just, you're just kissing me weird. I don't, and it's like, what? I'm out, dude. Hell yea. That's how, that's how a relationship crumbles, dude. That's not my current setup. That would be fucking... Yea, you gotta get out of that. Yea, that's not my current setup. I've been in that before and it's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The time of emotional response of like if something bothers me.


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[Assistant] Like there's like a, like how, how quickly do I spaz or can I somehow get in there and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all dude. I was laughing how mean your sister is to you. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So your sister's in your head, when you're like, this episode sucks, that's Katie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially coming from like, someone close to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, it takes one, if one person close to me is like, dude, you fucking sucked on that, I'd just be like, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cares. Dairy Queen says that. I'm like, whatever, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so ha- I was so happy to fucking- You know, the podcast Twitter only follows like seven people, just like Kanye does. Frankson's one of them, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I check, every time I go to retweet your stuff in the podcast, I'm like, dude, it's like 45 likes. I mean, we're doing it. Are you at midnight, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That actually is a fair case of that, dude. She was a, she was a BB girl, and she's like, I have a famous boyfriend, and he was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if, if my... I think it's like, she better fucking text me. If my girlfriend is on social, like if I come into the room and she's just like scrolling social media, for some reason, like the part of my reptilian brain of like cheater alert just goes off and I'm like, something's amiss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dating like a, dating like a 22, 23 year old, that's just like letting a cat into your house and like, if the cat leaves, if the cat leaves, you're like, well, that was a nice cat. You can't keep the cat, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully the cat sticks around. Or you nurture them in a baby ladydome. Which, you just gotta hold on long enough til they get crabby enough and pessimistic enough they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well every baby girl at some point has to take a picture of themselves on an elephant in Thailand. So you can't get in the way of that. They all have to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, bro. I mean, I'm- You called that, you called it. Yea, dude. Baby girl's been to Thailand. I sat on an elephant and took a pic. It's either that or them with a tiger like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started late last night, I started writing about, uh, the AI retarded revolution dude. That was nice. When they get the fucking tur- did you listen to the Elon Musk podcast? Elon Musk podcast? No. He starts talking about AI and the tertiary fucking, uh, what the fuck's it called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A third cortex that's digital and just hooks you into the internet at all times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you have just like the knowledge of the internet in your head the whole time, and it helps mediate that talk between like the two parts of your brain. Wow. Imagine when that thing malfunctions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your id has access to the fucking internet, that's a fucking problem, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you really? Yeah, I've been in Philly. Yeah, when I started dating my baby lady dude, I lived with her for like pretty much three weeks. I just moved in. It was like one date, two dates, stayed over, left a week later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty crazy, it was a bank robbery dream. Alright. Me, so I just worked with my boy Burt yesterday, we did a bunch of electrical work for this guy. So I was with him all day, so then I had a dream that me and him were in a bank, and it was a weird bank robbery setup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like, we, we had guns on us, but we weren't like sticking them out and demanding money. We were just kind of like.


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[Assistant] So I like, we were going up and uh, we were like, I'd like to make a withdrawal. And Burt was like, big bills if you catch my drift. And the lady was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm catching your drift. And we're like, yeah, we want a lot of money right now. And the lady just hit a fucking panic button. All the doors blocked in and then like an armed guard came up and then it was like my dream kind of like max pain slowed down to where it was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had this dream and then in my head I'm like, well, if that had happened and we didn't shoot people, I could have, while the doors were barricaded, ran to the bathroom and taken apart the gun and flushed the separate components down the toilet. And then at that point it would have been scot free. So I was just like going over like how I would do that and how I would take his


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you pop the clip out, the clip goes, the clip could probably go down in the toilet, and I'm like, how many toilets do I have in this, but I like planned out how to flush a gun down in the toilet in a bank for like the first 30 minutes of my day. I was like, alright dude, I just gotta get up, this is retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As you're in, dude. You need the tertiary cortex, dude, so you can access the internet and be like, wait, Matt's just fucking manipulating me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can watch like two seconds of porn and make it sweet.


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[Assistant] That's what Musk was talking about how that's like most of the problems, well it's not really Musk's theory, but he was saying like a lot of it comes from that weird interaction between like you have like basically a dude from like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, 10,000 years ago, talking to a dude from like 10 million years ago and being like trying to keep you as a person on course and it's like, that's why things can get rocky.


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[Assistant] He stopped me, like, he wouldn't fuck with me at all.


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[Assistant] I was like, the last thing I think I did for him, I like went to a place, it was like a VFW setup, set up all the microphones and speakers by myself, and then like turned it all on, just turned around, I was like, hey guys, you guys ready for a ride? Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing a gig for him the one time, same thing, it was like a yacht club, and I thought it was going to be super fancy, and I roll up, it was just like some shit, it was like a gravel parking lot in New Jersey somewhere. Yea, yacht clubs, oh yea. Yea dude, I pull up, and I'm like doing, I'm doing some time, and then like, up front, I had to be like this guy, it was like, you gotta be clean, some weird Jeff Cap headliner, I was like, you gotta be clean up front, no, no, no, no, no, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, fuck. So I'm going off, I'm trying to do my clean material, which is always horrible, always goes bad. And then dude, as I'm doing my stuff, some kid, literally, who's sitting with his parents, just like, turned and looked at his parents or behind him, he turned and went like this and pointed at me and just like shrugged and shook his head just like, what the fuck is this guy? And I was like watching him like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was hilarious, it was just literally some guy, I watched him point to me, look at his parents, and just shrug on my behalf like, what the fuck's he doing up there? And I was just like, oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And meanwhile, people just, they, you know those things where like the beer's in the middle and it's like a, like a three foot tall cylinder and everyone like drink, people are just drinking towers around like dude, get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, I can't handle like, just some dude my girlfriend went to high school with. I'm like, who the fuck is that dude?


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[Assistant] I just realized the other day I'd just been hating on some guy forever for no good reason. Like I like watched someone shit, I'm like, that's pretty good, that's pretty good, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't anymore, I'd loved him for like a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last week I was fu- I told you I got stoned and just got like bugged out on white rappers for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, it was like, this guy's music's not bad. I did the same thing to John Mayer. I remember like, he's a good musician. When he came out, I was like, he fucking sucks. He's such a bitch. Then I got to listen to some of his songs, I'm like, just driving like, this one's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that one does actually. Actually, you've, you've catched me on the right tail, listen.


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[Assistant] I mean, it would be sick. It would help me out a lot. What, if you were hot? If I get my gap teeth back and my braces? No, if I get my gap teeth... You had gap teeth? I had fucking serious gap teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at him taking pictures, I'm like, does this guy still think he's like a hot fucking dude from white? It was like him and his girlfriend and like he was holding the camera and like standing in front of her and I was just kinda like, oh yea, this is a fucking hot dude.


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[Assistant] He's looking at 112. He's like, yeah, but look at his stomach. It's all like, there's like too many muscles, dude. That's fucking weird.


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[Assistant] Not, it's, it's not fucked up to be a billionaire, but it's like, people don't just become fucking billion, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's an abstract amount of money. It's like, if you're a billionaire, you can't just take a billion bucks out. You can't be like, alright, give me my billion dollars. You're just like, well, it kinda doesn't exist. It's like, you're, you know, it's like, you don't have- This is what you're worth. It's like, it's just more like, this is what you can do. You don't really have a billion dollars. True. Because it's an abstract amount of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you can't be like, give me five, whatever it is, 500 million, I guess 500 million be half a billion.


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[Assistant] There's not gonna, no banks and I'd be like, it would be like fucking trucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they would, but I just, I was thinking about that today and I'm like, that's a weird idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you gotta have access to a publicly traded company kind of, then like someone builds that around you, then like, the stock has to rise. It's fucking weird, man. You don't just become a billionaire. And Spud pointed out to me too that, you know how people talk about the 1%?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guess what else, guess what other demographic is 1% of the population? Psychopaths, just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Gay? No. What? All the rich people are gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're talking about first century Jews. I know, I know. Dude, I read deeper into that book. It gets even funnier, dude. The first century Jews are still wild?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, well they were crushed by the Romans and like, well apparently there was this whole chapter on like magic, whether Jesus was like a magician or a healer. Apparently magicians were like, no healers were like, that was pretty cool. If you're like an exorcist, you can walk around and be like, I exorcise demons and I'm a healer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was, it wasn't really legal because you're challenging the temple, but it was still, people were stoked on you and there's like a good economy for like healers and magicians and shit. But being a magician versus a healer was just like considered rude. Like everyone believed in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't blow people's minds, like, he's a fucking magician, dude. And that was a big argument when, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The lady touched Jesus's cloth in the temple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one testament, whoever, Luke or whoever's, John or whatever's the first one, says like, Jesus felt his powers getting drained. Turned around and was like, who touched my cloth? And the lady was like, I did and healed me. He's like, alright, let it be known. Like walked away and then they took that part out the next thing about like his powers being drained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine then when you were able to like grab a pebble and pop it out from behind a dude's ear and they'd be like, oh my god, holy shit. We gotta get the fuck outta here. There's pebbles in my ears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Romans were like, they were, they were up in fucking Jerusalem, controlling it, and then like, uh, they had like a revolt, and the Romans got like, kinda like, go home, because I think Nero or someone, one of them committed suicide, one of the Roman leaders, and they all had to like, kinda go home and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the, they like had the Roman soldiers up on like the forbidden part of the temple to show them like Rome runs your shit. They were in the fucking Super Jew room, dude, all the way at the top. The fucking, uh, they had Roman soldiers stand. That's like a disrespectful thing to be like, yeah, dude, this shit's fake. Yeah, so the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the Roman soldiers on Passover, fucking from the top of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funniest part of the, uh, when the old Jews got rid of Roman rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was like any other civilization where like, they didn't know who the leader was. Like, I forget the one guy's name, he just like threw on purple and walked through the temples like, I'm the king of the Jews. And everyone was like, what? Like, there was like some people like,