[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, that's like, that's one place I don't want to achieve like, Greek tragedy status. You know what I mean? Where I'm like, you know, bragging and then all of a sudden, the gods forsake you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, that's Greek myth shit, man. It really is. I'm very careful about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was talking to him when he had COVID, and he was like, yeah, I got COVID. I was like, talk, I'm never getting that. You're like, Sid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sid, I was just saying that. I was just saying that. But dawg, still COVID free. Good. Yea, still COVID free. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my mom so much didn't want the responsibility of having to help me get ready for school in the morning, that she would pray for me. Sick day. To have like, any excuse to not get out of bed. Not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a gluttonous little, that's a gluttonous power to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother missed so many days of school and elementary that they were going to hold him back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that was just from like him being like, I don't want to go to school. I'm like, mom, I'm like, alright, that's one less kid I have to fuck with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to, I, I, I say, I don't, you might not notice, you might not be able to tell this right now, but I'm, I'm being the bigger man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have like fun meltdowns cause like we would, we had this rule early on in our relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, let's, let's rein it in. How about we don't let anything fester? Let's see what happens if we don't let anything fester. Same technique, have fun with it, but don't let anything fester. So we're constantly saying shit to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but dude, it takes, you know, it's a lot of trial and error. You know what I mean? You gotta learn, you gotta learn each other. And that's, that's, dude, most of, most of everything I've learned is listening. You gotta listen to the opposition to know where to move. And, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, everything is telling you what you need to know, right? Yeah, true. If you, if you adopt that about the world, you can't leave your bay out of that, which I was doing for a while. Do you know what I mean? It was like, dude, everything is telling me what I need to know. The wind, that's information. The sun is information. This bitch don't know shit. I couldn't help it. I couldn't help it because I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like that's, that's what it was, like the combination of the two of us agreeing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. Oh dude, that's when, that's a lot of times when we get the most heated, when we'd have arguments. Cause Ainsley, the whole time we were together, Ainsley's mom always came to visit us and would stay with us. She was always welcome. Never had a problem with her. But like, always like right before, it would just get tense. You know, and that's when we would have our fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is. No matter the relationship between them, every chick wants their mom to think they have the perfect relationship. They figured out a relationship. No matter what that is, I took it to another level. I figured it out and I want you to see how I figured it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then, and then she gets there and like you, there's a hole in the floor because like you were throwing mugs the day before. It's like, there's, that's tension. You know what I mean? That's like, she sees all the shit that is, uh, like the cognitive dissonance of like that perfect relationship and like what it actually is. That's all she sees right before her mom gets there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I think I've told you guys about this, but one time, uh, Ansley and I got in this fight in college at this really fancy hotel, and I was holding a cell phone in my hand. Dude, and I paid for it, it was like this whole, I'm not even gonna go into the argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm yelling with the cell phone in my hand. It slips out of my hand, goes behind me. Like hits like the cord, like bam bam. It made like four connections. Nothing but net. Dude, bam bam hit the other side of the wall. It's like a tiny expensive hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bouncing all around the room, fight like in his last ricochet, it went like by her. And she goes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the, dude, after that one, dude, you can't, like, I have been so precious with my phone in our, I put it in my pocket, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was just saying, like, every time I feel like I break something out of anger, it's always, like, a scene in a movie where a superhero is discovering he has, like, strength for the first time. Like, the last time I broke something, it was the space bar on my keyboard. Because, like, she was talking to me and I was just, like, pressing it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the only one I can remember breaking. But I, you know, it's a new keyboard I had to get. Maybe that's how they build the PC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's like, that's like if you're with, like Andlee likes to dunk though. You know? A little dunk on it. So she understands that like in the world of dunking you get dunked on every night again too. True, but it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we were watching a basketball game together, and a white guy dunked in a black guy, and I noticed she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She popped up. Yea, she popped up. And I said something to her about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But man, I was at the end of some of the harshest looks. Dude, like, I went home and told Ansley about it. And like, I apologized to Brittany, to Ansley. You know what I mean? You can start her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's part of it though, because you can't let them linger in your mind because it's a victory for them. True. You have to immediately move on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's one of the most regrettable things about me. How easily I can just like move on from a chaotic situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's scary. It's fucking crazy. Dude, it's fucking scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know what I mean? I could very easily cut a person out of my life or blow up at a person and move on not considering the consequences of my actions in that person's life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary. It's scary to have your reflex be burned at all. Like to be like slow motion walking away from a burned bridge. You know, like not like just like swagged out. You know, it's like yeaah, it's terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we know. Brandon Vincent Jackson tried to rise up at a dollar store in like Texas. Bro. And they almost killed him. What? Why exactly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was just like, he was in a situation where he was like, he was there, the airline lost his luggage, he had to go to Dollar General because he had to get all this, like replace his toiletries. And like, some, something was fucking him at Dollar General and he, he flipped out. You know, he was like at his wits end and flipped out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people that appreciate the little things. Yeah. It's welcoming. It's a, it's a very, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I like middle eastern diner owners. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always one cutthroat and one less cutthroat, but like he's more, he's still cutthroat. He's just, but he's just like amicable. He's good with customers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At my diner, there's two guys. One is like a taller guy. He's very slow getting your stuff, but his customer service out of this world. The other guy is, uh, he always seems like put-upon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this diner, just the other day, I watched a black lady waitress and like a white lady bus driver type have a fucking feud off. Right? And it was, it was uh. Two strong opponents, dude. Dude, it was beautiful. It was beautiful. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, so I didn't see what transpired before, but it was, uh, the, the little guy was on shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was taking too long because he's loading up his arms. Like instead of just going back and like getting people out, he loads up his arms. That's what he's taking too long for. So apparently the waitress who was the bartender, black lady bartender, she walked past the counter where everybody was standing and said something


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then just kept moving. Yeah. She didn't say somebody will be with you in a minute. That's what the bus driver's gripe was in the end. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy is just sitting there, just like, bringing her up. He's like, staying the fuck out of this. And she's like, uh, ma'am, I was just... And she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, ma'am, I was very, very nice to you. And the lady's like, you weren't nice. You didn't fucking say anything. You just walked by, asked if anybody needed to be seated. We all said no, and you fucking walked away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, she's like, throws her hands up, and then, uh. She have her bus driving gloves on too. Yeah, yeah, like fingerless leather gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was beautiful. It was beautiful. What'd the lady say? She was like, mmhm. She was just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's also like a bartender there that people love because she's like straightforward and keeps it, you know what I mean? She's probably more of a night time. She's a party. She's a party. But like yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get a lot of attention. I think the top of that pyramid is guidance counselor. Yeaah? I had a black lady guidance counselor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explain. She was just involved in every- she knew everybody's business at all times. Sure. And it was always like gossipy hot chicks sitting in the guidance counselor's office. I was always- I spent most of my high school- They were all informants. In the guidance counselor's office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she was just being an ear for people for the most part. But like most of the people that needed the guidance counselors in high schools are chicks. And they're just spreading gossip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have very little respect for the academic, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? She's just sitting there, she's sitting there just listening to like high school girls problems from like, you know, like her boyfriend looked at another girl, you know, like that. She's listening to that shit all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she had, like, she, dude, she walked around with a clipboard. She took her job very seriously. She took notes and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. But she wasn't a lesbian, she was also my, uh, my Sunday school teacher. Wait, she wasn't a lesbian? No, no, but she had the energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I'm talking about? Like a college basketball shirt, short hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the art. Think about all like the... Like what makes it girl hell? What are the constraints of girl hell?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The door outside, the wall outside got some nice stuff, dude. The wall outside's got all my stuff. This is, it's slowly becoming more my stuff. But my girlfriend came in and took out all my cool stuff. That is cool stuff. That's cool stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan Sodder, Lamar Joe. What's up with the boob stuff? I'm Sean Gillis. Welcome to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Boob stuff is just, uh, this company sent us a, what was the name of the company?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Displate sent us a thing of a lady with boobs. Yeah. As a thing. I don't know. It didn't really take off. But glad you asked, Dan Soder. It's Displate time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get your own artwork printed on a metal poster. It only takes 20 seconds to install. Just pop the magnetic sticker on the wall and hang your poster and then whack off to it. No holes in your wall and change it out in a few seconds. You can change it out. They have officially licensed design from Fight Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alien, South Park, and more. Once you're done whacking off, you can put up a Fight Club poster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you think it, if you can think it, this plate can put it on a metal poster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click the link in our description to see some of our favorites and get your ready to hang piece of art. Save 27% if you buy one or two and get 34% off when you buy three or more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The discount will be automatically applied to your cart when you click our link. Use promo code Drenched when you visit Displate.com to get the dis- the discount. That's Displate.com. Drenched. And check our show notes. Blah blah blah. Look at this fine fucking thick bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah, Matt's out there, we're here. I just got back from the stupor bowl. Let me tell ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gotta be insane. I uh, I talked to you right before all the shit. I talked to you right when you got to Arizona. It was great. Yea. I took a night off right when I got there. I took one night off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you know what, I'm gonna be responsible this week. So I had, we had shows in Dallas and San Antonio. They were great. And then, so I had a show in Dallas on Sunday. So I had to be in Phoenix on Wednesday. I was like, I might as well just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a hotel Monday, Tuesday in Phoenix, take it east. Yeaah. So I got to Phoenix on Monday, took it east.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting fucking obliterated. On Tuesday? Yea, on Tuesday. Did you stay, when did you, when did you go to Burt's Airbnb? Was that on Tuesday? Wednesday. So the next day, that's when it all starts, then you get there, then it's lights, camera, action for the next fucking 10 days. Did you feel like you were on a reality show? Yea, a little. But, I, he's, I'm not trying to trash. Yea. That's how they do it. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fun, they're excited. I'm the one who's being a fucking sourpuss the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leave me alone. I yelled at a Barstool. They came over to do one of Burt's shows. I walked out of the room hung over and there's just a Barstool dude holding a camera. Literally like as I'm opening my bedroom door, there's a guy with a camera and I'm like, turn off the fucking cameras for one minute. And the kid was like, Jesus Christ. Oh God, if that guy has that footage, please send it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the noise of your hand hitting the camera and it being pushed down. So, but outside of all the content, which is, I get it. It's what they, it's what we do. It's the business, dude. It's the business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I got, they asked me to audition for this thing for Yahoo called Mansome, which was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, daily videos. Man, although you guys, yea, when you guys were in the content gate, like early content. This was like, dude, this was 2010. This is early, early content days. And it was the day after my birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got black out drunk with the Rosa and then I had to show up and act like I cared about the World Cup. I just remember being like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to take a hangover shit and someone's got a camera in your face. Yeaah. And that's, uh, but. How was Airbnb though, was it always? Airbnb was always, I mean, it's hard to complain when Bert fucking hooked it up. And then, not only that, the shows, we did four arena shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bunch of hot hunks coming to the green room. Did your men's bump into each other? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like talking to someone and I just looked and the camera was there. You know what made me instantly think of and regret was when Shane and I went to NXT, NXT takeover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, I mean, CMC, I saw the thing, cause someone tagged me in a tweet, we were like, dance, and I was like, no dude, that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're coming to the shows after the shows. The bros are coming to the shows. First night Chief So Line comes in. Which?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking pass pro all night. I'm saying guys, you don't want to see my pass set. Did you show any of them do it? Did you get drunk enough? I got drunk enough to do everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, it was like Gabe and them came, it was the second night shows. Gabe, Bert, all these, the bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're at the, they're at the show, Spencer Brown, the bros. Yeaah. And they're like, uh, Gabe was like, alright, after this, Saquon Barkley's having a party at his house. Let's go to that. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yes. Biggest qualifiers in the game. Of course, Kreischer and Norman are like, who's Saquon Barkley? I'm like, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. He's one of the most dynamic running backs of all time. He's awesome. We get to the party, we are pretty much the only honkies there. And it is every cool NFL player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone looks like they're in the future or they're about to go skiing. And no one was excited to see us. No. Although a couple of the bros recognized Crusher. Did they call you quality control? They're like the quality control coach? I just went outside. Really? I was like, I'm not hanging out. This is crazy. And then I got blacked out and went inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he get in and then all of a sudden like mix it up? No, we were hanging out together and we were all talking. Like he was, he can turn it off. Also you have no choice at that point. At that party you can't turn that on. Taking your shirt off in front of a bunch of random black dudes and they go like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're leaving, I'm, I'm gone at this point. I see Michael Parsons is walking through. I'm like, he's from Harrisburg. I'm from Harrisburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walk up to him, he's talking to somebody like this, I'm walking by, I was like, Micah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't go like, oh! They also, also, I was, all I had was that fucking Jalen Hurts hoodie and that Eagles hat. I'm in there in full NFL gear. Everyone else is just at a regular house party. I look like a big fat fan idiot. Dude, in that moment, you feel, I mean, you got the merch on. The merch hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when it gets shot down, you're like, uuuh. Yeah, that was dumb. It kinda makes me hate that guy. No, no, no, no. He's the man. You need to understand the context. Out of context? He was totally in the right. I also like tapped his arm. Philly shit too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's, you're wearing rivals, you're wearing his rivals clothing and then being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I get that way whenever I've been around wrestling. I'm going to get to that in a second. I'm going to need your boys advice because I'm going to need to make the switch over to wrestling where the good guys win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have that feeling of like, gosh. No. I was like, it was, every one of these nights was so cool. The hangovers weren't that bad. But it was a combination of,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, seven, eight nights in a row. Yeah. Of like 20 plus beers for eight nights. Like I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next day, we're like, alright, we gotta, there's a Drake party tonight. I was like, so I talked to you. I'm going to the Drake party. I talked to you on Tuesday. We had a conversation and I was like, dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is going to be the coolest fucking week of your life. You're on fire. You're going with Bert, who's like, you know, a fucking arena act. You're going to be killing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all these NFL players are going to say, and then I was like, it's going to happen. You're going to meet Drake. Cause from the time I've met Shane, the goal has been, the goal has been for him to become friends with Drake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drake party is going on. Do you think there's a chance? That's a very exclusive, but it was a show. It wasn't a party. It was, he did a concert. Okay. Which was, it was awesome. Pretty cool, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very exclusive. Yeah. So now everyone, everyone in the green room that we're with is like, how are we getting in? Who's going? We're with Bustin' with the Boys, Taylor, Will, those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're all like, everybody's like, I got two tickets, I can get a sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in the end, no one can get in. We get there, the whole building is, it's like a quarantine. It's like from a zombie movie. It's just cool people outside, like metal gates, like that's it. Climbing over each other. All NFL players too. Like a king rat situation. Everyone's just like, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's the coolest person you saw that couldn't get in? Like, do you remember seeing someone that you're like, you're not getting in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get, who do you think hooked it up? Obviously Christian McCaffrey. CMC coming through. Christian McCaffrey's like, don't worry, I'll get you in. God, I hope Gabe skips this episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually, was Gabe? I don't know, Gabe might have been in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget. All I'm saying is I hope Gabe skips this episode of the podcast. Why? I love Gabe. Everybody knows I love Gabe, dude. I know, but you just, you know, your CMC affair is really starting to- I mean, this is how good of a guy CMC is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so hard to get in, and like where to get in. He was like, I'm gonna send my guy out, I'm gonna come out and find you. He stayed on the phone with me for probably a half hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to get me in while he's inside. Damn. I met him the day before. If I were him, I would have been like, yep, alright, well, you're not getting in. See you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say it on got, he was like, I can get you two tickets. So I got it. And we ended up stretching that to like three or four. And we got in and we're like, we can't go, we can't go in without Will. We can't go in without Norman. We got to get all the guys in. So you got busting with the boys in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pulled all the guys in, so now we're in. We go to Richie Incognito's table. Hell, yeaah. Which was chaos. He fuckin' lifted my tit like right when I walked in. I was like, alright cool, you fuckin' maniac. So those bully things were true. He just does the thing on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not Zack Martin. Don't put smut on Notre Dame, dude. Notre Dame boys don't get bullied. Who was the guy? What was the guy's name? Zack something? I'm not sure. But he like, couldn't do anything. And he was a lineman. He didn't do anything. And he was like, I gotta go to the press.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like a guy who could just like pick you up and pull you in half. He could draw and quarter you just by himself. Anyway, this whole episode is just me talking about cool NFL guys. I love it. I hope it's not gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're bringing us there. You're bringing us there with you. So we're sitting there. We're at Cool Richie and Cognito's table. It's me, Will, Taylor, Gabe Davis, the bros, dude. And then first off, we're just watching you take. That protection at that table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you put that table in front of you. Obviously Christian. Is the one. Obviously Christian. I bet he's sitting up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would bet he was sitting up in the booth, if I'm picturing it. Then you don't know Chris, cause he's right by my side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's unbelievable that that's the guy. Like every, this is all the most famous NFL players in the world. Like every famous person's there. Yeah. Megan Fox and MGK are there fighting. Really? Yeah. They got in like a, they broke up at that night. Nice. Was that the night they broke up? I think so. At the Drake show? No shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Happens. And it spreads in that room. You're beyond fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a fine feast for those boys. Oh my god. They'd be passing pieces around. No, Derek Henry Zombie is very comical. We call him infected now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The infected. We call them infected now. We don't call them the Z word. The Z word is out of the lexicon. Okay. The infected. The infected. If there was a spread of infection among those people, and you had to protect Drake, I would stop them. No way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, here's another. This is at the Drake party. This was a devastating news. So for the last 20 years, I've been telling people me and LaShawn McCoy are friends. Yeah. LaShawn's there. I'm like, shitty. He's like, I was like, what's up, baby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright man. He was like, damn. Who babysat him? Oh, I don't know. He was, he went to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it was? You played, so you played like little league football together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we would hang out a little. And so you like actually slept in my house. You like actually knew him as a dude. And he didn't put it together? He was going to Miami, I was going to Army. We played each other in NCAA. We were like, you have to play as the teams you're going as, or you're going to. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but, I mean, he remembered me, but I think things have happened since then. A lot of, he's met a lot of people, so he was probably like, you. He was hitting me with kind of the like, oh, you're everywhere. That type of energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sarah went outside to smoke cigarettes and I locked her out. I was sitting right by our back glass door and I was like holding the lock. I was sitting down and she came over and just put her face right in the mirror and went FAT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you saw him, you were like disappointed because you're like, Oh, I thought you thought the pop was going to be bigger. I thought it was going to be a pop. He was busy. He's drinking. Yeah. But I was, I was, you know, I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When everyone was leaving the Drake party, did you feel like everyone there was disappointed that they didn't get to meet Drake? Cause they're all famous. So like famous people have expectations. Even if other famous people are there, famous people have this expectation of like, well yeah, they're there, but I'm going to meet Drake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. Like I wonder how much disappointment besides Megan.


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[Assistant] That's pretty high. Is she like really high in person? I didn't see him.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And Drake was doing all the hits. He was doing a minute of every hit. Yeah. And I'm saying he started with forever up till now. He did the hit and he kept being like, I don't know. Do you guys want me to keep playing? And everyone's like, yeah.


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[Assistant] I think Megan said to MGK, she was like, that'll never be you.


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[Assistant] Saturday, we do the show again. Go home. I was like, I can't go out again. Yeah. I'm dying. Yeah. I'm literally dying.


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[Assistant] And I mean Bert and Guy. But Bert and Guy are, yeah. They're different shades of the same. Yeah, we were talking, we were like Buffett.


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[Assistant] Burt, Burt, Burt. Like he was getting drunk. Did you see anyone in the VIP that was like famous be like nerd out for Burt? Uh. Did you see anybody be like, that's the mom? Guy Fieri was like.


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[Assistant] Really? Yeah. So we went around, Burt obviously gets on stage.


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[Assistant] Dutts sings the national anthem. I mean, unbelievable. He gets on, rips his shirt off, sings. He wasn't even supposed to be on the show.


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[Assistant] Got updated, dominated, uh, Met Diplo, not a big deal, Kevin.


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[Assistant] I didn't say, obviously I didn't say anything. Yeah, you can't say anything. I would never. You could never say anything to him. Yeah. But the history of that. Yeah, it was very funny. Is like.


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[Assistant] From Philly. When you were like, she banged Diplo. And I was like, the DJ?


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[Assistant] And all of his people kept saying Guy Fieri. They were saying it like he says it, Guy Fieri. It's like when my mom gets drunk at dinner and she orders a Sauvignon Blanc.


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[Assistant] Guys, we gotta get ready. Guy Fieri's coming over soon. I call him Convola, uh, Travola Congai. Cause when I went to Italy, when I was in Italy with that girl I was dating, the only American show we got in English was Guy Fieri, Diners, Dives, and it was called... Yeah, Triple D. And in Italian it was called Travola Congai. Travola, Travel with Guy.


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[Assistant] He is who you think he is. Yeah, he shows up, he's like, what's up guys?


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[Assistant] I have to have the feeling of like, I know I shouldn't, but I'm gonna. That's the whole. It's a giant party. It's the ethos of Buffett. I shouldn't.


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[Assistant] It like gets dry, the dry tongue. Bro, and when you're in the desert, your skin's dry, your mouth, ugh. And that heat is, people are like, oh it's so nice in the winter, but you're like, I lived there for five years.


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[Assistant] It is nice when you first walk outside. When you walk outside though.


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[Assistant] Uh, if you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a free one year supply of Vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. That's pretty neat.


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[Assistant] Uh, go to athleticgreens.com slash drenched. That's athleticgreens.com slash drenched. Check it out. What the fuck?


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[Assistant] The way they wrote this, every paragraph is broken like it's a poem. It's like two words, you know? Anyway, personal endorsement. I bought and saved money.


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[Assistant] At joinhoney.com slash drenched. You get it for fucking free. That's joinhoney.com slash drenched. I don't know, I mean, you get it for free. What are you, an idiot? Give it a shot.


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[Assistant] I'm not doing a week. No, doing three or four days. That's gotta be too much, man. Yeah, it was so much. I mean, I got to go to the Superbowl in 2019 and I flew in the day before and left the day after and that was too much. That was like, that was a lot. The whole city's buzzing.


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[Assistant] I know this is a lot of name dropping, you know, I feel lame about it.


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[Assistant] Lamar and I are here because... I figured you guys would like... Dude, that was...


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[Assistant] The game was incredible. How was the Black National Anthem in person? I missed it.


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[Assistant] I didn't even know it was happening. When the fuck did they play it? I didn't even realize. At the beginning? I was there. I didn't even. I would probably say 30 minutes before Chris Stapleton was probably even in the building. Oh, okay. Yeaah, I wasn't there for it. Stapleton murdered that American. Stapleton fucked.


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[Assistant] Cause Vernon Davis, this is the reason I remember. I remember Vernon Davis made that catch against the Saints in the playoffs.


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[Assistant] Is that the one where he got murdered? Yea, he got murdered in the middle arm. Oh no, no, no. Oh no, no, that was Seahawks. That was the Seahawks in the NFC Championship game. Rocking them. That was a sad one. Yea, but I'm talking about


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[Assistant] The Saints game, he caught a touchdown pass after he had dropped like three and we won the game and he cried and I was like, that's not good. And then we lost the next week to the Giants and I was like, you can't cry till you win the Super Bowl. And I saw Sirianni just be like,


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[Assistant] Had to have been a Giants or Cowboys fan. Someone tweeted out Cry Eagles cry and it was Sirianni crying and you're like, I didn't think I was going to take the loss as hard as I did. Oh my God, dude, you're there. It took me like, I still haven't watched highlights. I still can't watch that. I can't look at it. By the way, I haven't consumed media because it's all about the Superbowl. It doesn't go away next season.


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[Assistant] The start of next season, you'll be like, alright, well, I'm over it. It's been a full off season. And then they'll show you clips of the Super Bowl. And you'll be like, I don't... Are you guys allowed to go to Super Bowls anymore? Because both times you guys went, your team's lost. Alright.


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[Assistant] He aligns your friends. But Travis Kelce, he's not gonna be your bae.


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[Assistant] It wasn't Gardner Johnson. It was, oh no, it was Bradbury. Bradbury. Uh, opposed to it, it was like, I'll hold you. Yeah. Good bit.


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[Assistant] You did nothing. Yeah. You fucking make fun of the guy who blew, like lost the game on a fucking bad call. That's bitch shit. Yeah. That is like, that's like you slipping and being like, Oh, you can't catch your feet and like, fuck you. It would be like, it would be like a random player.


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[Assistant] After, after Chris Webber called a timeout. Be like, nice timeout. It's like, you were on the bench, shut the fuck up.


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[Assistant] Cause you lift up the average. Yeah. So at the game, cause as someone that's been to a super bowl and watched their team loss lose specifically to the chiefs, it's fucking brutal. I had to sit in the chief section.


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[Assistant] We were behind the Chiefs bench. Well, I was in the fan section. Oh. Cause Kathy got me a ticket and she's like,


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[Assistant] I got you a ticket because McDaniel was still coaching on the Niners. And I was like, Hey, can I get a ticket? I'm going to go down there. And his wife was like, they're like,


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[Assistant] $5,000. And I was like, I, yeah, I don't think I can do that. And then Kath is still working for Kath is still working for ESPN. And she was like, I got you. I got you a ticket. Come on down here. And then I got there and she goes, it's in the chief section. And I was like,


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[Assistant] She had her, she had her leather coat on and she was like this cause she's a Pats fan. She didn't give a shit. But she cared. I was like sad and it was like they were running out the clock and she goes, we gotta go. And I was like, what? She goes, we gotta go now. Let's leave. And I left and as we were walking out, she's like, I don't want to get hit. I don't want you to get hit with that confetti. And I was like,


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[Assistant] He had the fumble to give him a touchdown, but he had four touchdowns, over 300 yards passing, he played his fucking dick off. But dude, he looked pissed. He looked ready for next season though. Hurts?


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[Assistant] I think, I think, yeaah, hopefully. When you're at the game, here's the thing.


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[Assistant] You got a new, you got a new NFC bay.


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[Assistant] Christian McCaffrey, arguably one of the coolest football players of all time. He's friends with you. So you're like, what a win. You got to see Drake feet. So, and then like, and then it's perfect. And then the Eagles are balling up 10 and a half. I'm like, and if the Eagles win, we're going to the after party with the team. Yeah. Which I don't know if you know this, they have that party regardless. No, I know that.


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[Assistant] But I wasn't gonna go to that one. The invite was still there and I was like, I'm not going to do that. I had to go.


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[Assistant] Because McDaniel gave us family and friends and I was meeting up and so we were up, just like you guys, we were up in the second half and I get the text, Hey,


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[Assistant] If we, if the 49ers win, go to gate, whatever. Yeah. We'll go on the field to see Mike. And I was like, that's what I got. Yeah. And you're like, okay. So then you start doing this, the game still going on. You go.


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[Assistant] Well they showed him walk, they showed Mahomes walk back to the locker room and he didn't limp.


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[Assistant] He was like walking and then he was like, fine. He's like,


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[Assistant] Although I will say this, I've come full circle to Jackson Mahomes.


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[Assistant] No, Jackson Mahomes is hilarious. That didn't bother me. So take us back to the game.


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[Assistant] I couldn't believe how good it was. You see ASAP? I did not see ASAP. Okay, okay, okay, okay.


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[Assistant] At halftime. Oh, Collinsworth walked up the steps. Did I tell you this? Did Jay tell you this? No. So me and Jay, we're joking in the car ride. We're like, if we see Collinsworth, there's going to be a fight. Let me give a little back context. Shame.


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[Assistant] We would get together when I still lived in Astoria, we got together and watched an Eagles game because I was living with Vecchione, Jay came over, we got sandwiches.


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[Assistant] Collinsworth loves to talk shit about the Eagles. He just always, I've noticed it since then. He just always shit talks to the Eagles. And then Jay was getting mad and then Shane started chaining Jay where he goes, dude,


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[Assistant] I was like, I mean, we're not, we're not, no chance. Literally, I'm staying, I'm on the aisle seat. I see him walking up the steps. I was like, no way. He's about to walk there. I was like, Jay. He sees calls where he was like,


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[Assistant] So after halftime you're like, Rihanna, what a performance. Wow, what a good show. Wow. And now you're like, let's, let's finish this thing up. Let's go. I was like, they get the ball at half. They're going to, this is, this thing's far from over. Yeah. And then score is nothing. Yeah. And then they score and then they score again.


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[Assistant] They fucking, like, apartment turn touchdown, defensive touch, I mean they were...


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[Assistant] Yeah, there were, there were. The demons touched and I think it was the first half, but.


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[Assistant] You can't give up a defensive touchdown and a punt return. You can't beat them with that.


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[Assistant] Which, which the 49ers were incapable of doing. Get the two point conversion, but there's five minutes left. And it's like. And they start driving. They start driving. They get down to about a minute fifteen. Hopefully they score quick.


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[Assistant] We get a chance. And you saw Sirianni call it, like let him score. You want the ball back. Let him score. And then the Bradbury hold call happens. And then basically at that point you're like, Oh, as soon as the hold was called, I was like, Oh, it's game.


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[Assistant] They're gonna be able to, it's literally the flag left his hands and I was like, game. Yeah. I was like, it's over. Fuck. You and the other Kelsey too. And then they wasted.


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[Assistant] You don't walk. I didn't think that was going to hurt that bad. Dude, it hurts. That hurts so bad. Katie said something to me that I snapped at her a little bit and then later had to apologize because, you know, she's been to a lot of Super Bowls working for ESPN and she was like, I'm going to tell you this right now. She's like, I've been to Super Bowls where the Patriots have won and I've been when they've lost. And she's like, I promise I'm trying to say this to make you feel better.


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[Assistant] It's not as good when they win as it's as bad when they lose. And I was like, what? She's like, this is the worst feeling in sports what you're going through. Cause you're walking out and you're watching Chiefs fans and they're mashed potatoes.


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[Assistant] I gotta get out of here. I gotta get an Uber for the next three hours.


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[Assistant] Did you just go drink? Uh, yea, we went to a bar. You put on Drake?


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[Assistant] But then, uh, that did not help. The hangover did not help. The hangover did not help. The loss. Should you stay there an extra day? No, I had to get on a plane home. Early? Bro.


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[Assistant] Can I ask you something? Oh. Do you wear your gear at the airport? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Also, this was the craziest running. I'm at the airport. Yeah. I'm, Wayne Rooney.


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[Assistant] What? The soccer star? Who looks just, he's like a short little fat guy now. Yea, yea, yea. He's bi- no one cares. Yea, no one cares about him. I'm the only one that was like, Wayne Rooney.


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[Assistant] The airport is, I would say outside of leaving the stadium, the airport sucks. Cause you're watching Chiefs fans with that like, giddiness. I was in line at


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[Assistant] I stabbed on a guy at the bar after. He was just some old guy, some old dude in a Chiefs jersey with like two Chiefs, like his sons.


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[Assistant] Fuck off, get the fuck out of here, you fucking bitch. Wasn't there one call where it was like defense isn't ready or something? They were. Substitution, they were, because the play ended up on the sideline, they were supposed to give the defense enough time to substitute. So they called, they like stopped the clock. Yea, the ref stopped the clock. In which they then challenged Devontae Smith. Yes.


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[Assistant] It was a good catch. Yeaah. I mean, it was a lot better than the catch that fucking killed us. I mean, Purdy killed you guys. Yeah, Purdy getting injured. But it is- At least you knew that was over from the start. Don't get me wrong, that's a shit way to lose. Well, what sucked is it was like, uh, I've spent like a lot of money on like pay-per-views for boxing when I didn't


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[Assistant] He is fighting without a right hand. And you're like, oh, it's over then. Cool. I get to watch him jab out of this. And that's what it was like. I mean, did you talk to CMC at all about it?


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[Assistant] No. No, I made that mistake with Taylor Heinecke. Oh, I forgot. Heinecke is the bro. He's the man. He's the bro. Well, he's like a fan of comedy. Yeah. He fucking rules. He loves comedy.


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[Assistant] Cause he, like, the way the Eagles lost to the commander of the Redskins this year was, uh,


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[Assistant] A late hit. He like took a knee, he was about to get sacked and he took a knee and then he got.


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[Assistant] What if he wasn't? And I'm just a douche that's like, you fucking cheated.


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[Assistant] But now I just, I just needed that clip. So next season, I just got it locked and loaded just to send it when we, cause we're playing all of the NFC East. So I got, I got Giants fans that I'm friends with. I'm gonna be dropping it on if we win.


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[Assistant] The birds, uh. That's gonna be a good game. I think it's gonna open the season. I hope so. I bet it's Thursday Night Football Niners, cause it's at Eagles. On Amazon. Is it always Divis- er, uh, same conference? Not always. God, I hope it's Chief Seagulls.


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[Assistant] The NFL wants to run it back immediately with KFC, with KC and, uh, fucking Philly. Because that was... Niners will be fun. Niners, Eagles will be fun. There's a lot of, there's a lot of...


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[Assistant] Some grudge matches. Is Garopp going to be back? Jimmy Garopp? No, no. There's rumors he's going to Tampa. What's funny is like you like spazzing out how much better it feels. You know I went nuclear on the Rosa, right? No. It was a problem.


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[Assistant] Like it was a problem for like, it was a problem for like three days. Like Jay had to see me. Jay saw me and Jay was like, come on dude.


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[Assistant] Like he saw how mad I was. Cause DeRosa during the Eagles game was like, huh, looks like the 49 in our group text is like, huh, it looks like the 49ers didn't want it bad enough. And I was like, Hey DeRosa, I'm going to read you what I wrote to him. He's such a cocksucker. He's the joker. Cause he doesn't care about anything.


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[Assistant] You're gonna love this, because this is such a, Shane's watched me fucking...


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[Assistant] Kath left to LA to film something, I'm with the dog at home alone, very angry, and I wrote, Joe, you're a chick, go look up a recipe. I wrote, go put on an apron and cook a casserole, you bitch. And he wrote, your team needs a recipe.


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[Assistant] Can't wait for your pussy ass to call me later. Hey buddy, I was just joking. Joe, you are an enormous...


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[Assistant] At the end I end up thanking DeRosa for being a person I could focus my anger on. That old man let you pop that pimple where you're like, fuck you, do the fucking pussy. Cause you're going to carry that around with you regardless. So just get it out. I had one of the worst spazzes over again. So this is a tough spazz. I was in the group, my college friends group texts at the time.


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[Assistant] Dude, the best spazz is with sports, whenever they make it happen. I remember when Randy Couture fought Brock Lesnar for the UFC heavyweight championship. There was this dude I was friends with that I waited tables with, just a fucking street urchin from


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[Assistant] That's Matt's move. Is it really? Matt does the teleport punch with Scorpion. That's like doing the... Nothing better than catching him with an uppercut. That's like crouching with Doll Seam and Street Fighter and just kicking. Or using your arms. But dude, I spazzed on that guy to the point where he left my house. And then just seeing him at work the next week. And being like, hey my bad man.


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[Assistant] And he was like, nah, it was his bed. Yeah. He was like, nah, did you, you paid for a pay-per-view and I fucking ruined it. Cause then I'm just watching the whole match. I'm like,


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Dude, sports. For some reason sports get me riled up. That fucked me. Why was Randy Contor the heavyweight champion anyway? I don't know dude, it was cool.


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[Assistant] Volkanovsky this weekend, I got fucked on that. Yea, me too. So I was the one, so after, on Saturday night after the show we just went home to watch the UFC. Fun. But I had to, I was like, I have an ESPN, I'll buy it.


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[Assistant] And while I was searching it, obviously it was like, you see Islam holding up the belt, and I was like,


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[Assistant] It was a good fight. Did you watch the fight though? Yeah. It was a good fight. It was like, uh, it was very like.


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[Assistant] I, if it wasn't a title fight, Volk would have won. I don't think Volk won. He won. I didn't watch it at all, I just saw the result. Volk was fucking him up the whole time. His arms wrestling didn't work as great as it usually works. True. Even when he got him down, Volk was like fucking him up. It was the judge, that's what I mean though.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that sucks. Yeaah. That's true. By the way, the guy that Patty beat, Jared Flash Gordon lives around here. He's in a story guy. He's in a story guy, like born and raised. Jared Gordon rules.


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[Assistant] Should have won that fight. He should have. Yea. That's why I was really cheering for him. Cause I was like, oh man, don't toss fucking Gordon to Patty, like he's just a fucking guy. And then he had a good fight. Yea, that's uh, sports passes are very... Sports passes are so embarrassing. So embarrassing. Dude, I had to have a conversation with Joe where I was like,


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[Assistant] You think sports spazzes are more embarrassing than video game spazzes? They're the same. They come from the same place. The exact same spazz. The same inferiority spazz. It just comes from, it comes from the WHY?


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[Assistant] I remember we got, I got a PlayStation 2. Matt's a psycho. Matt's a secret spaz. Actually no, he's very public about how much he spazes, but we would play video games and then he would run up the steps after he lost.


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[Assistant] My senior year of high school, I bought a PlayStation 2 with like my work money and I got Madden 01 and I was just playing it non-stop. And all my boys were like, my mom was gone a lot. It was Madden 01, was that? Eddie George on the cover. And so I'm like, dude, this is going to be 2000 Culpepper.


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[Assistant] Good call. 02, Sean Alexander.


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[Assistant] No. That was 07. 02 was, uh. No, 07 was Vince Young. Or was that 08?


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[Assistant] It might have been that late, it was Vince Young. Cause Vince Young was on the cover of the NCAA game.


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[Assistant] Cause I can start at 0-3 with wanky. 0-3, are you sure that wasn't 0-2?


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[Assistant] I cannot wait. Launch day, launch day, just get ready, cause I'm finding you. Oh yea. And we're fucking NCAA-ing it. I mean, this is just a sports podcast now.


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[Assistant] And I'm like, it's my house. It'll be fun to win. It'll pay back for the beer money or whatever. Dude, I lost in the second round.


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[Assistant] I remember Dante Culpepper was the quarterback of the Vikings. Yea. And my friend would just do the same move. Was it, were you playing, you said Madden. Yea. Alright. So he would just roll, right?


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[Assistant] I, I caused a dude to, I caused a video game spaz. I was at the mall with my, my mom. Okay. So this was, I had to go to the mall with my mom and sisters. There's nothing worse as a young man.


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[Assistant] Then being dragged to the mall. Cause you're going to lady stores. They're going to lady stores. I always go, I would just go straight to the video game. Hit the game, hit the Funko land. I don't even know. Yeah. It might've been Funko land. It was like KV toys used to have some video game. Well they would have the screen in the plastic bubble and then the tubes out. So I would just sit there and play.


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[Assistant] I went to one and they were just having an NFL 2K tournament. NFL 2K RIP. Let's go. One of the most fun games. I was like, can I be in the tournament? They're like, yeah. There ended up being like six people and the winner got a copy of the game. So I get to the finals.


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[Assistant] No, no, no. I think it's Sean Alexander from Alabama running back. It might be. So I think it's 2000.


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[Assistant] O2 is Joey Harrington from Oregon. O3. O3 is Delaware I think. Oregon player. Oregon O3? Is it Harrington again? It's Carson Palmer, the quarterback. Oh no, it's USC. Oh no, it's USC. Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer is alert. Yeah. O4.


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[Assistant] This is a tough period. 04 is tough. Reggie Bush? Reggie was 06 or 07. I know and man, 04 wasn't a Mike Vick year.


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[Assistant] Oh, Larry Fitzgerald. Larry Fitzgerald. Yes. Yeah, that was a good year. Yeah, 04 is Fitzgerald. 05 has got to be Reggie Bush. 05. Who is it? Desmond Howard.


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[Assistant] Yeah, in 05, yeah, that's when I moved here to New York. And I remember the 05 Desmond Howard, you could do career mode, and the better you played, you had girlfriends. Do you remember that? They sort of know, the EA used to have cool shit. As the head coach in dynasty mode, you could be like,


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[Assistant] A dude got in trouble for academic stuff and you'd be like, nah, he's playing sanctions. Yeah. And then if you did the solo career mode, you got a better dorm. Yeah. It had an ugly girl at first. Your freshman girlfriend was like ugly. And then by the time you were a senior, you were like, yeah, dime piece. That was awesome. Yeah. Bring that back, dude. True. Yeah. I thought it was, if it's in the game, it's in the game.


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[Assistant] EA Sports. Oh yea, where they try to do NBA Jam for everything. Yea. They're doing that now. They destroyed video games dude. Video games are destroyed dude. Everything is fucking online. Yea, they're like, oh you want a bowl with bumpers? Everything you have to fucking...


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[Assistant] Dismiss a like offer for new cars or whatever. Madden is so hard just to franchise. Just to get to franchise. Try to run a franchise.


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[Assistant] I just always, now I just run dynasties with McDaniel cause it's weird to see your friend animated.


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[Assistant] And then like I'll tell him what I do.


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[Assistant] That's awesome. I saw him at the Jets game. I go, dude, I'm in the AFC championship game with the Dolphins. And he goes, so why haven't you won it?


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[Assistant] Cause when you're like, the access you get with a head coach, you don't get a ticket. You don't have a lanyard. There's just a guy that walks you around. That's like, no, he's with me, like the head of security. And he was like, do you guys want to go? Do you guys want to go?


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[Assistant] Watch the players get introduced, like to me and my friend Chad, and we're like, what do you mean? And we were down next to the tunnel where they run out.


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[Assistant] It was fucking sick. It was against the Browns like weak fucking 15 or whatever. And every time a guy would run by I'd go, he's killing it in my franchise.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude. How about you? You get pumped on the vidges? Do you get excited about like when you watch wrestling and you're like, those are my guys? Do you play like, do you play 2K, WWE? You get mad? GMO stinks though now. Yeah, but do you play like, I just play like random matches. GMO does stink. The last one sucked. Yeah.


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[Assistant] In a month. March 14th. I pre-ordered the expensive one with Cena. It's really unreal how much of this was just a conversation and not like a funny


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[Assistant] The most dynamic running back in the NFL. I gotta take it easy, I don't wanna overdo it. It's like having a hot girlfriend or like a hot girl you're talking to. Like I tagged him in a picture yesterday and I was like...


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[Assistant] From the rafters, who would have thought? Anytime, uh, like I get when O-Lime and her fans are like a white dude, I'm like yea, Taylor Heineken, I know you're a bro, of course, yea, you're one of us. But when Chris Godwin from the Bucks hit me up, I was like, big fan, can I come to the show?


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[Assistant] You actually got me to spaz and I had the series. I don't have video game spaz. I beat you three games. I mean those were neck and neck and then one game there was a quit. Well first off.


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[Assistant] Was there anything that would get you more, like, I know wrestlers would geek us out. Yea. And NFL players geek us all out. Yea. What would, like, Wayne Rooney is a good example of something where you would be like,


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[Assistant] To draw attention. Yeah. If it was anywhere else over there, can I get a picture? Yeah. But an airport or you're just like sup. Uh. Is there anything like.


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[Assistant] Is there anybody that's like a scholastic? No, but like scholastic that would get you to pop?


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[Assistant] Cornel West was on a flight. I had a transfer from Minneapolis to New York. Cornel West and Greg the Hammer Valley. Oh yeah, let's go. Same flight.


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[Assistant] I don't think anybody scholastically would. I think there is a guy though, cause you're in the history and shit. There is probably one person you're not thinking about. That if you saw, or if you were like, realized.


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[Assistant] I saw, I saw Trump. Close up? Yea, at Mar-a-Lago. You saw him just like walk through the room? I saw him like talking to a table from like us to that chair. Yea.


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[Assistant] Did you wanna do your impression of Adam? No, he was doing the hands. I was like, he's doing the hands. He was entertaining a group of rich people at a table and he was like...


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[Assistant] That's great. Dude, you had a case though. He's doing it. He's doing it. I mean, here's the thing. You can talk shit about any politician. Hillary's in the room with you. You're like, oh, fuck, it's Hillary. Yeah. Even if you don't like them, you're still like, oh shit.


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[Assistant] Like if just randomly like George W Bush. Rogan? Rogan when the first time, not that he's on this level, but he was one.


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[Assistant] And Robin Williams was like sitting there talking to Jim Norton and I was like, Oh shit. And I didn't talk to anybody. And Lenny Marcus went like,


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[Assistant] Soder, the 49ers one, right? And, you know, Robin Lynch from the Bay Area.


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[Assistant] It was a big bro. So then he, so Soder and me and Michelle Wolf were sitting at the table. Soder goes to do a spot. He runs downstairs. I was like, fuck, should I sit here? And then as soon as he walks out, Chris Rock comes and sits down and him and Michelle Wolf are just talking and I'm just sitting there like, and then they said something about, I don't know. I said Sandy Hook was a hoax.


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[Assistant] I don't know how you get to that though. Like I'll still, you know how when you walk around the corner from the village underground to the shop, there's always the guys, there's always the guys like comedy show, barking. And I would never be like, they're like, hey, how's it going? I'd never be like.


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[Assistant] Seinfeld does that though. And then, and then he came out in the press and he was like, I'm autistic. And I think he was just like trying to cover.


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[Assistant] Somebody was just telling me, like, when you hang out with him, everything's a schedule. Oh yeah. Like, everything's a schedule. So maybe he wasn't bullshitting. No, I don't think he was bullshitting. It was like, from 9 to 10, we'll have breakfast. From 10 to 12, we'll write. From... That's crazy. And then he was like, and then we're gonna go see a movie. And I rented out the movie theater. I'll sit here, you sit there.


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[Assistant] Oh, you know what they spazzed on me for the last time I was here? Uh, Bill was gay in the video game.


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[Assistant] Here we go. I was like laying there watching it and she knew it was coming. And when it happened I was like.


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[Assistant] I tried, I tried so hard not to cry. During the build episode, I was like, I was gutting it, just jaw clench, and then Kath just hit me with it.


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[Assistant] I went on a pretty early date with this girl and we went and saw the movie 50 50.


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[Assistant] Dude, there was a retarded guy that came in to watch the movie, he was just standing by himself, I don't know if he got away from the group, he was just zipping up his jacket the whole time, and at the very end where it's like, I guess it is about loving yourself, whatever the thing ends, and then he just goes.


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[Assistant] Every time. It was great. One time I broke up with a girl and went to do a show. It was fucking insane. We were in Albany. Broke up with a girl. I was in Albany in a


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[Assistant] Oh fuck, this is terrible. Get to the green room. We had this dude that was opening for us that I think was autistic. I think it was. I walk in the green room. I'm like, I'm so sad. They're like doing the thing where the manager comes in and they're like,


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[Assistant] And we're talking about it. And the dude just goes, you guys just broke up. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, did you cry?


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[Assistant] And the guy came back in and we had to talk about it. We're like, why'd you say that? He goes, oh, I realized that could have came off. Oh yeah. He was like, I've just never been in a relationship. He had a wild fucking answer. He's like, do you cry when you break up? And I was like, it was like, why do you cry?


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[Assistant] 2001 was Shawn Alexander, 02 was Harrington. Winky can't be 03.


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[Assistant] Then, hold on, after Reggie Bush, I think was Boise State.


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[Assistant] RG3? Oh shit! It was RG3. Cause I had the RG3 cover. Vince Young?


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[Assistant] No, it was, it was all the Heisman candidates that year. It was RG3, uh, fuck. I'm blanking. Was it, was that a Colt McCoy year or no?


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[Assistant] Bring it back. So fun. Alright, let's switch over to the Patreon. Dance Otter.


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[Assistant] Thank you for joining us. I love you dude. You're the best. I haven't done this. Go see Dan Sodder. Do stand up. DanSodder.com. Dates coming up. Everywhere. Lamar Joe. Yea, please come see me too.


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[Assistant] Do you have like a, you ever have like, when you drink to it, you get, your tongue like feels weird, it like gets dry, the dry tongue.


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[Assistant] Just something that I've witnessed as a football fan and a theory that I have is you cannot.


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[Assistant] Watching the chiefs come back and then watching me melt that, like I felt it like them, like there was like a wave coming over a wall, like I just sat there and then.


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[Assistant] Cause you go through the stages of like, wow, we're at the Super Bowl and you're there with your friends. You're there with Bert and Jay and Norman. You're having fun.


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[Assistant] You had spent a week there having like unbelievable time. I had been flying, when I went to the Super Bowl, I had been flying out to San Francisco and staying with McDaniel, going to the divisional game.


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[Assistant] It's my boy from middle school coaching my favorite team and it's like, I was like, we're going to go on the field and that


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[Assistant] And someone breaks a hand and they say they go, his quarter has a lot.


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[Assistant] They already have the opponent. Yes, yes, yes, that's right.


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[Assistant] I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed by a video game spaz twenty years later.


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[Assistant] Amazing. I fucking got, I was playing Madden 01, like I'd come home from school and just play it all weekend and play it and my mom was gone for like a week and I was like, dude, Friday night.


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[Assistant] I got a fake ID. Let's go get a bunch of beers. We'll have a Madden tournament for money.


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[Assistant] So I had like seven of my friends, even my friends that were like, I don't even play video games. I'm like, it'll be fun.


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[Assistant] Like seeing him, uh, the craziest one was the 49ers sucked. This was like 2008 maybe.


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[Assistant] In the, or 09, 49ers just were not good. And they beat the Rams. Sam Bradford and the Rams. And I was excited about it. And I was like a little drunk. And I was like, I'ma go by the cellar. Cause I just got in there. I was like, I'ma go hang. It was Sunday night. And I walked and sat down at a table and Robin Williams was


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[Assistant] Okay guys, got a pretty good show. Uh, he's done saying, can I get you guys anything to drink or eat? And we're like, I think you got like a beer.


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[Assistant] I'm teasing, I'm kidding. You were telling us about uh, when uh, the first interracial couples basically.


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[Assistant] You guys, you guys are already at the end of the genetic chain of you're the final generation before the matrix people in like the, the, the completely raceless underground rave people. Your, your bloodline terminates in that.


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[Assistant] You get into the very minute details of what is and isn't.


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[Assistant] The safer you feel fighting, right? And the more, the closer they get to like a soda commercial, the more you're like,


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[Assistant] Sure. You didn't want to be the joker. Yeah. I mean, I felt the same way from Batman the animated series.


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[Assistant] I had a hard working dad and a junkie schemer and her mom.


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[Assistant] Dude, I did, maybe this is what the most successful people in that do.


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[Assistant] But I found a way to do as little as possible while just like reading message boards and shit for basically 16 years of an IT career while getting like promotions and shit.


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[Assistant] If you treat it like the simulation, it can be pretty fun. I would imagine. Yeah. I couldn't do that. I can't. Like speaking up in like in meetings where you just don't care, but you're just like, Oh, I'll just see what they think about this.


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[Assistant] No, I mean you just have to create like a mental map of like your tasks and the layout and all those, all those neural networks that you need and then just manipulate it to fuck off as much as possible. That's a fun game to play.


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[Assistant] I think for a little while, most people assume that you're fucking up. They're like, oh man, he can't get it together.


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[Assistant] That's interesting. I think a lot of people would wish that they had that reaction to it. I think a lot of people would think in their heart of hearts like,


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[Assistant] And every February I have to, I have to go over the numbers to see why I'm getting a 3% raise.


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[Assistant] I know a dude that got caught selling weed, actually no, he got set up selling weed, it was like a pound or two, he did real prison time, got addicted to benzos in prison and then just like went down, like never came back to us. Yea man. Dead. Dude. Cause he got caught selling weed.


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[Assistant] But then again, doesn't that, doesn't that give you Scarface energy though? When you're like, I've evaded capture yet again. I'm back in my home, my home base.


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[Assistant] Imagine if like, imagine if someone got a black and white picture of you doing something cool while getting put into a police car and your shirt's off and like you've been doing pushups for a couple months.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I do think that's better than going to jail on number three. Yeah, I think if my, if I, I think if I went to jail, my kids would know that like I was working on something big.


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[Assistant] If you could actually just sit down, if I had the time to sit down and just write out my thoughts to my kids, they would, that's all they would need.


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[Assistant] Oh man, what a joie de vivre that dude must have had. He was probably walking on sunshine 24 hours a day.


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[Assistant] You guys want to know a headline that made me deeply insecure today? I hope it doesn't do anything for you guys. But this was in a tweet that I was scrolling past and the headline was psychopathic men have an extreme focus on mating at the expense of other domains and tend to be quote unquote parasitic fathers. And I was just like, Whoa, this is going to be tough to wiggle out of.


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[Assistant] Psychopathic men have an extreme focus on mating. Guilty as charged. At the expense of other domains. Oh no.


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[Assistant] And tend to be parasitic fathers. I don't know what the parasitic fathers means, but like I do kind of like stay on top of my children's experience. So that's tough.


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[Assistant] Psychopathy consists of traits such as selfishness, grandiosity, callousness and impulsivity.


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[Assistant] Imagine how disconnected from reality he must be to have access to just like thousands of human tests subjects. And every day he just encounters, he's like, what can I do to this person's brain? He doesn't even see them as people anymore.


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[Assistant] I mean, what's it, it was 10 episodes between that and I'm embracing the machine. Wow.


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[Assistant] I'm throwing myself in front of the machine gun right here. I'm closed off to this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, right. That'll be my house. I'll be Jeff Bridges. I'll be living in like the dark cityscape where it's always night time and I'll be actually fighting. I'll be like, yeah, Matt fucking took off for the woods like a bitch. No way, dude. He thinks he's the most against this shit, but I'm actually in here, like I'm punching robots every day. I'm hiding in the hideout.


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[Assistant] No. No. No way. I understand them. I'm going to see it coming from further away. I'm going to be the early warning sign. You guys are going to be like, yeah, right, man. I'd like to, I'd love to have an implant in my brain so I can connect to a global network of human consciousness that I can never turn off. You've seen me, I can't even.


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[Assistant] Also, this is gonna count me using this as my shit while driving.


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[Assistant] I will say, I'm, you know, not to get defensive for myself, but information and reading takes up an hour and 30 minutes in mine.


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[Assistant] What do I tell the women who are over 30 and looking for a fucking sugar replacement? And this guy goes, uh, okay. And he runs a 15 line report that generates 7 million rows of data. And then they just somehow compress that into like a marketing directive. And then it shows it to you before you listen to fucking Tony, Tony, Tony again.


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[Assistant] Sydney whose mind is a steel trap brought up an argument from two and a half months ago about whether or not we would be the first to succumb to the machines and then he ended the conversation, he starts off saying I will never be the guy that goes with the machines and then at the end of the conversation he's like I just think the machines are pretty cool and I don't really care what they have on me and what they want me to do.


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[Assistant] You listening to the whole ad? Sid's gonna hollow out his flat top and turn it into a satellite.


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[Assistant] I won't even use a GPS anymore. Shiiiit.


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[Assistant] Let's band together guys. I tried to get really high to do more chores and then I just freaked.


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[Assistant] Yea, I'm embarrassed, bro. Yea. I'm embarrassed. No way, man. I've never examined my screen time in my life. Oh, dude. You know that? I've never checked it. I've checked it. It was my first time.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they, they smashed the, the lines of the army and the supplies have run dry and Putin's army's chain of command broke down.


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[Assistant] I think it's like American gladiators. Like you're trying to play for the best time. They're shooting tennis balls at you and you get the end. They're just like, okay, thanks for playing. We will explode.


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[Assistant] No dude, they want to turn us into pets. They want us, they want to manipulate our behavior via YouTube ads so that we start.


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[Assistant] I hope, I hope when Ukraine wins, he's like, I just want to thank Ben Stiller for like FaceTiming with me at the Oscars or whatever that I think, I think that really put us over the edge to win the war against Russia. I want to thank, uh,


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[Assistant] Jeremy fucking James Corden for doing karaoke with me on the phone. Like this dude's been doing the talk show circuit.


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[Assistant] All he's doing is like facetiming JLo. While, uh, I guess I think Russia kind of just fucked themselves.


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[Assistant] If I was Russia, I would have a go-for-broke mission to kill Zelensky's barber.


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[Assistant] From it. Sure. But I mean hundreds of thousands of people die every day. And that's a fact.


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[Assistant] Like tar him and feather him and like put him on a, like a crucifix.


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[Assistant] I think that's the first counter argument that they make though. Well, you do it.


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[Assistant] It's not treasure, it's the duchy of, uh, fucking, I forget, Crumfordshire or whatever. Like you end up, like that's what you, that's the actual fortune is you become like the property manager of like an entire village or something like that. It's like a billion dollars.


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[Assistant] You, you, you basically play real life Downton Abbey with whatever...


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[Assistant] Whatever Dutchie over there and it's a, it's a 600 million pound like value. Like that's the, that's like the, I don't know, the village that you own or whatever. And it pays out like 20 billion, 20 million pounds a year in like interest.


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[Assistant] Right, right, right. It's like the old vassal. It's still Downton Abbey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how far removed is that from like indentured servants? Like, well, you do all kind of live on my land and I do kind of give you guys 20 bucks every paycheck. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, I'm just saying on the way down, you're like, you guys kinda work for me, I'm paying you. True. You live on my land. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like the, it was a literature meme from I guess way back. Really? There's no evidence that it was ever a real phenomenon, but this is from Vox.com. I could check a couple other sources.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a positive motivational force, but it is close to the river of slime in your core.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, like I was constantly fantasizing about a reason to have to climb out of the window and onto the top of the car for the family, you know what I mean? Oh, for sure. Yeah, get me close, get me close!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always felt like my weakness getting there was gonna be the, the pugil sticks, like the standing on the platform and having to fight the gladiator. Yeaah. I just, I didn't see a path forward for me. Really?


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[Assistant] There are little tricks to that, like when you're doing that hand cycle thing, you gotta like do a pull up first.


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[Assistant] I'm not, listen, I'm just putting out a monkey bar fact about-


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[Assistant] It does feel a little feminine though to tell- to like express how you want your genitals sucked. I actually think-


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[Assistant] If it is that, if there is any part of that, you gotta release yourself from the taboo of it feeling gay. Yes. To give instructions for your genitalia.


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[Assistant] But go ahead, Sid, you're right though. But at some point in a relationship, these become our balls. Like, do you want to be, you know what I mean?


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[Assistant] I just felt like it should have been more melodic. I felt like there should have been horns playing or something. It felt like an intro to a very...


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[Assistant] I feel like this guy knows that he has a bigger dick than somebody and is trying to get the courage to suggest a wife swap.


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[Assistant] And then I adjusted my self esteem and confidence level for that. And I'm cool with that. Delusional.


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[Assistant] So here's the deal. There are big guys who have to like biologically kinda have bigger dicks. And then there's a bunch of smaller dudes out there that are over hogging. So if you add them together, it's like there's probably a decent amount of hogs out there.


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[Assistant] They asked me to judge the naked roast at, uh, Gangplank.


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[Assistant] And I was like, uh, that doesn't sound bad. He was like, but you'd also have to be naked. And my first, the first thing out of my mouth was, dog, my dick is a secret. What are we talking about here? Everyone has a dick secret. That's what I'm saying. People can't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use his wife's connections in the federal government. Robert Seifer? Yeah. And then, actually get to the bottom of this Atlanta shit.


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[Assistant] Also consider what you're willing to sacrifice to achieve something.


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[Assistant] Like, what are you willing, how, how far, how many steps back are you willing to take before you can take X amount of steps forward?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but dude, some people, people don't get that part. I know. Like when people, when people go into uh, when people ask that question about like, quitting their job and getting into comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me rephrase that. Quitting their job and then going full time as a comedian. Like they've been doing comedy for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but people think because it's so much easier work that they don't have to work. I've seen it happen so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've thought about that. Yeah, I've been looking to get into 3D t-shirts. So what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 3D t-shirts? What's that? Dude, it's like 3- like sick ass 3D designs sometimes that take up the whole entire shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, let me just say this too, because a lot of people have the idea that Atlantis is one place, but it's a bunch of places, it's more like the Federation of Atlantis, and a lot of people would argue that the pyramids are proof of the existence of Atlantis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if I could do that. I don't know if I'm there yet. Like, why not?


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[Assistant] And some people would even argue that Atlantis is an interstellar community. You know, we kinda got cut off from it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it was, uh, as far as ancient advanced civilizations are concerned, it was the most advanced. Like these are allegedly people that have figured out how to use...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually it was more of a metropolitan city from what I understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And of course people argue that ancient civilization was way more metropolitan than we think it to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm open-ended. But again, I agree with you. I feel like, you know, society has conditioned us in a way where I don't even think I would be, like if I did find out aliens were real, it would just be like, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You feel like aliens are real, they'll have to learn new pronouns again? Like, what pronouns are they coming with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was, yea, it was, uh, The Great Flood. The Great Flood. Noah's Flood is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they, they've, uh, triangulated with time that Noah's flood was probably the flood that wiped out Atlantis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it was supposed to be. And then Randall Carlson and that other dude were on Joe Rogan and they were talking about how the big impact, the under-dryest impact


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all across the world, the federation of Atlantis, like all those ancient temples and shit, they were all allegedly Atlantean designed. Like all across the world where there were giant temples. That's all Atlantis shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, and then I guess what people are looking for to prove this is the case is like the Atlantean capital, which would be like the lost city of Atlantis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's like a Tower of Babel mythos to it, you know? Where like, the whole world came together, got real strong, and then like, God threw a fucking whatever, just wiped it all out and separated everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, but I think it's pretty cut and dry. Yeah, I was very offended at the suggestion of any cocaine and Adderall instead of Stoner Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How close do you think you've ever come? I've never coiled, mine go right down. When I was young I used to coil. Did you really? Yea, I used to have some fibrous coils. You shaking your hips? I don't know, what was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was young, when I was, I don't, I don't, I don't hit that same area. But you've never, you said you've never poroborost. I would never be able to measure what I consider to be my, my longest because I can't see most of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I feel like if, if, if my bae, you know, god forbid, right, ever became like, chair disabled, I think the fact that like, I, I, it was like, I can't fuck her anymore would make me horny for everything else. I don't think I would need Nog. I think I'd just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's only, it only lasts for so long, like after like two weeks you start gaining your strength back and you have to go find her out in the wild before she loses it all. It can suck you back to strength, back to your chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just getting excited because your toes are starting to wiggle again and you're like, aw shit. She's gonna have to suck me again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fruit, there's bananas, there's seeds of bananas. Yea, what's a pumpkin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't eat bananas by themselves, but I'll fuck with them in smoothies. I just can't sit there and monge on a banana leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing wrong, I think when we were kids, like, you would make fun of anyone who was eating with me at lunch and it just stuck with me. How do you eat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, they just go right down with the rest of the banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you're saying or you were saying, like if you were to like get divorced now, it'd probably be like, yeah, I wouldn't start dating now. I would just like play with my kids. And then once in a while I'll be like trying to go to bed, but I gotta hit the glory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I don't understand like all these dudes that take TRT and stuff. I was telling my wife that as soon as I like stop getting hard and want to have sex all the time, I'm gonna be like, hey, this is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that I can't wait, it's just I will honor the day when it comes. Like I'll wake up and be like, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't once thought about busting a nut and it's like new.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I open my eyes and I'm like, oh, okay, and like, with, like as soon as my brain fires up, like how am I gonna come is one of my general questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll welcome the day when I wake up and I'm like walking the dog. I'm like, that's a nice day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how awesome their life was now because they have zero sex drive and zero ability to like, do anything with their dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whole point of the I Can Marry is they were like truck drivers, they were like all types of walks of life. Whoa. They were going to some guy on like 4th and Washington getting their dicks cut off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're just completely like, they just, I think they just leave it a little. There's just nothing. To like get a little spot to pee out of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we'll do next week? I'll give you two acid for my friend that has acid. You guys can review LSD and me and Tim will watch American Unix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and Sid have taken acid the day before and me and Tim watched American Unix in real time while you guys talk about acid. Nice. It's a good plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've eaten mushrooms before, right? For sure. Alright, so you know how mushrooms like kick in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The little waves. So acids kinda like, you go up to the peak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's just like little bits of your acid trips like fading. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like a little, but the acid, like the ride out period, it's like four hours. So you're like still kind of tripping, but you're also kind of dealing with the fact that your brain's been rattled, but like you can't sleep. It's not, a lot of people don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like you're saying, you were having violent thoughts at the peak of an acid trip, you wouldn't have gotten in the cab probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then it kicks. And then I'd say it's about a three hour peak. And then the downside's like another, what, four hours, would you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all in all, it's like a 12 hour work shift. Yeah. But I'd say it's worth every minute of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to do it the other night when I texted you and then you were like, dude, you'll be up all night. And I was like, you know, I kind of want to get some sleep. So I took the NPS and it was the most gut wrenching trip of my life. Like I went from, you know, like a mushrooms, you get kind of confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you'll be like, oh yeah, I ate mushrooms. So like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At first I was like, I don't think this is doing anything. And then suddenly I was like, I had something in my eye. And I was like, oh man, my sister has something in her eye. That was like the first like trippy thought I had. Then I was like, no, that's my eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then there was like three other people that I thought were me. Yeah. And this was just speeding up. I was just like, what the fuck? And I kept being like, no, it's just me. I took some fucking NPS. Then I went into like peak DMT visuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was just like repeating patterns, like beeping this like weird fucking technological world that it was just very dystopian. And it was like buzzing and everything was flashing. And then like, I kind of came to and I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Like you're fucking taunting me. But it was like, this was all in my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I open my eyes, I'm like, okay good, thank god that's over. Yeaah. And like I look at the clock, it only been like an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, but it was an hour of just, I was out. Then from...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd say hour two to hour six. I was laying in bed and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like remember something bad I did in my life. Like someone I was mean to in high school. Or like a girl I did wrong. Or something. It would be a single thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I would like feel this pain in my legs and I had to like literally writhe around my bed and like grunt out the discomfort.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So I'd be like, aww, fucking Gary, I was a dick to you in high school, I always fucking made fun of you, I always gave you a hard time, you just, all you did was ask me to stop. Yeah. I would have this entire memory of like what he felt, what I did to him, and it would be like in my legs. All you did was ask me to stop.