[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, all the more reason to have him come in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope he feels better. If, if, Steve, if you're listening, I hope you're feeling better. He's fine. Good. He's fine. Okay. He's faking. He's faking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uh, well actually I don't want to like ruin the movie so I won't say it. I'll tell you guys after. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the lighthouse, and you'll know what I'm talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, do you just like dump some? Do you put it in your hand? Put it in your hand. Okay, do you, do you? It's kinda tough to dump.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when you, so you would put powder in your hand, uh, cup, and then just start, or would you like put the powder all over the dick first and then jerk? It's exactly like a, a pole stick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Now it's funny that you, you were, uh, like you're a complete hedonist and I'm like an ascetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because like in your teenage years they used to wear baby powder on the chest. Why did they do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an old school, you saw that. Yea yea yea. Yea dude. Yea you sniffed them titties. I sniffed titties yea, that's probably what happened. Damn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see that. There's not a lot of uh, there's not a lot of like busting chops in that community period. Yeaah. It's like very very prideful, everything goes to a fight automatically. A lot of passion. Yea, there's not like groups of people. Yea, yea. A lot of passion. A lot of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really. I mean, she ain't do it right. It was like, so it's like all superstition and weird. So we couldn't do Halloween. Wait, why not? Because it was evil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got you. Yeah, it was like, it was like, it was evil and you don't, so here's what, here's what was conjured to be believed by my family. If you go out for Halloween, right, and you partake, you dress up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get evil on you, and then you bring it back into the house. So you weren't allowed to do that? Nah, fuck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If that's what you believe, you're not letting your kid leave the house in a costume. That's true. Dude, so, so they, so uh, for school, the school parade, my mom would bring my costume to the school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's, here's two things. One, almost 99% of the time a white person in blackface is hilarious to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it depends on which side you're looking at it from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, oh calm down with all that silly shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a heavy preface for why that's hiding, right? So you know I fuck with Jesse Lee Peterson real heavy, right? Black conservative.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he just fucks with black. He, he, like if he doesn't get something, he'll say, he's already somebody. Uh, can you, can you take your time because I'm black and I'm slow? Like he says shit like that all the time to like goat people. Like, so, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so it's like, it's like, so, I mean, it's the equivalent, it's like, it's like, uh, in a racist way, right, cause that's not true, like, some, I mean, I guess I'm mostly listening to audiobooks. Yeah, that's a little bit-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How often do you come across a black person that you didn't bring into the wilderness with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeaah. I mean, uh, I-I don't personally, but uh, most of the black people I know fuck with horror movies heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't say this, every time, uh, I asked my sister what the movie was about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta understand though, that that is what they, that like, as far as representation of what white people are, like when you're in the hood, it's the movies that you like. So if you like horror movies, you grow up constantly thinking that white people never stop doing dumb shit in emergency situations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been with our ladies for a pretty long time, right? Oh yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say this, I've definitely smoked going to places she didn't expect me to have smoked going to and didn't know that I did. Like I didn't hide it from her, but she didn't know that I did. And uhm, like sometimes when we go to my stepmom's house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she just, she never, I mean she's figured it out a couple of times, but like. It's a fun game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, I mean, cause, you know, a little to her knowledge, I've been high every time we went to my stepmom. I mean, I'm high every time I go anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The funny thing is, uh, so you know, when your child is born, they always tell you, the man, you also have a physiological reaction, like when you see your child for the first time, you get to hold it for the first time, and it's true, I mean, I think I can, for me, were you there for the birth of your kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would have been sick if I was high. That would have been so fucking sick. You know? And I still, like, I still didn't do it for, we had, we scheduled my, uh, Twinsburg. Cause it was, uh, since then, cause, you know, I did Twins, right? And, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, no, that wasn't that. It was like they cut through muscle and shit. Like, uh, I mean, I don't know, my wife was jacked. I don't know what other. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, he, he, uh, Zach Galifianakis is a really good act, like this is his thing, like being this deadpan character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people that he has on, they're not as good as actors at that as he is. So you can tell that it's, with a lot of people you can tell that it's not real. So I can watch that. Because this is clearly something, this is a thing they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? But with the Eric Andre show, people don't know what the fuck is about to happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? So that's like, that to me is hard to watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's kinda, that's kinda, yeah, cause I get stuck in that cause that's kinda my style of comedy is a more deadpan. Not like, not to let you know that I'm joking as I'm joking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only reason why, like, so sometimes when people do shit like that, I would just have to leave the room because I knew they weren't going to recover. But like, it was always funny to me because Matt would do crowd work and bring the show to like a screeching halt, like make it really awkward, and then go right back into a set like it didn't happen. And be like, uh, okay, whatever. And it's just like BAM.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you're also, you're gonna know that your kids are capable of handling that. I mean, for me, I'm always concerned because I grew up in that environment. My kids are not growing up in that environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They at least get to see when you tell them stuff that your paranoia is justified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well see, that's the, me and Andrew were just talking about this recently. That's a funny thing that's always happened to me. I've always, I just talk the way I talk, because I don't code switch. So whoever I'm acclimated to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They think when I talk to the other race, it's gonna be a thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To see that I talk this way to white people. It blows their fucking mind. Nah, it's just like, I talk like, it does, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what it is. It's like, if you don't have anything valuable to say, at least I sound smart. You know what I mean? At least, like, so still, if you're switching up the way you're talking, it's because what's coming out of your mouth is worthless, so you might as well, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? It's like the way, like when you try to talk to a chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think a lot of black people have, I think a lot of people just have nothing to say. And the people that have to code switch are those people. I think they just don't realize that they're just, their personality sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you ever hear a black, like a black dude, like, because I'm in a racial relationship, so black dudes every now and again be like, yo, how do you talk to white girls? I'm like, you struggle to talk to girls. Like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like an easy thing to do. Fun. A fun thing to do too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sickest dude who ever lived. I bet he got his ass eaten a bunch of times. Of course dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Killer Mike is, he's smart though, because he was, he did this thing where he agreed with the things that Candace Owens was saying that was true, but then quick flipped it somehow so that he was still on the liberal side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but here, okay go ahead. So that's what it was. I mean, there's always more to a story, right? So this could have been a customer that was coming there frequently just taking advantage of the silverware policy. And then one time, a waitress who just had a fucking enough terrible day was like, nah, this bitch ain't getting away with it. Not today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never really, they can, they never really do. So people take silverware from the Waffle House all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, right? It's like, that, that's, it's uhm, like there's like lowly, like chain diners and stuff, like nobody respects that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Hell yea. We take the dipping sauce crucibles and we use them at home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So his issue is with MAGA, the phrase, the slogan MAGA. So he's like, when was America ever great for black people? So he's saying that's a racist term because there was never a time period that was great for black people, so how are we going to make America great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, no, it's just dumb. And then to say that the phrase MAGA is racist. It's just a retarded premise coming from a group of fucking half retarded people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's like, it's not, it's like, a lot of, a lot of black culture dumbs itself down non-stop. So it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That- that's what- so like, this is what annoys me about you, Matt. Right? Could you give them some-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know what I mean? You always, it's like, no, it was never racism. It was never, it was never about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Racism, right? Slavery wasn't about- cause that's an argument I get in with a lot of black people where they're like, uh, white people are racist, slavery. That proves it. It's like, slavery wasn't about racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. No, not at all. I mean, well, I guess, I guess like in, I guess in a broader scope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is what I'm saying. I mean, that's like, uh, the whole book, Guns, Germs, and Steel from a broader scope, that's basically what it's saying, right? But, it's like the slave trade, they, slaves, slaves built civilization, just period. Like, all across the world, slaves built, like actually- They still do in Dubai.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm always gonna be on the side where there's coming. That's like, so, here's the thing, let me answer this question, right? So when you guys go hide in the woods, you're gonna be doing a lot of coming?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I jerked off in the woods. I got jerked off in the woods. That's what's up. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I used to jerk off dry, dry. That's why I developed that skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I tried- I started in- I mean, I guess I sa- I can say I did, then. Cause if you're counting the non-completion one. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always like, cause I never had a place to fuck so I was always like fucking outside. Yeaah. And stuff. So like I'm pretty into coming outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nah, I need to, I have to like, I have to like, I like to, because we're too old to be fucking. I am a fucking heathen dude. Yeah, we're like too old to be fucking outside. Oh yeah, of course. So I like to fuck during the day with like the windows, the bright, you know, like the daytime coming in, you know what I mean? Yeah, so it's like when I'm not high. It's like it's during the day. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but, you know, I never intended to be like, like a lover. You know what I mean? I'm just like, I wanna make sure she comes. You know, I just wanna be there. That's being good at sex. That's being good at sex? Yea. Alright, I mean, just like, hold him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, well she told me that the first thing I said to her was, uh, I don't think I've ever made a woman cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They definitely have come with my penis, but I definitely don't think I've ever done that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna have to- you're gonna have to figure this out. You got this, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm like, I'm not, I don't, cause that's what I'm saying, I don't want to figure this out. Yeah. I'm not going to read, cause, I don't care. Dude, there would be, dude, if you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and hopefully, if I'm in the moment enough, she'll come into the moment with me. And then she'll just come quicker somehow. You know what I mean? It's just like, yeaah, cause I'm not, you know how they say like, when you get older, you start...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I think once you start respecting each other as like humans that have base needs, the relationship gets really easy. Yeaah. You know, cause it's like sometimes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta come now or like I gotta lash out on something. You know what I mean? It's like when I get in, you know, one of my eventual confrontations with somebody or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, yeah, that's a form of coming that I do as well. Getting public confrontations with people. Oh, we know, yeah. Yeah, that's a form of coming. I need to do that once in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you ever, uhm, so the other, uh, the other day when I was, I was on Mushrooms, I came up with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, so me and Anthony were talking, and in the end, what I realized is how, uh, like people that are like gangsters, cause you're talking about Tekashi 6ix9ine and shit, like these people are closer


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they're closer to like Caligula than anything else. Like they're not like, they're just scared, retarded maniacs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, who, uh, every now and again do gay shit. You know, like, and do it as a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I 100% agree with you. Yeah, that's like, dude, it's like, uh, yeah, it was like this, this, this long thing, cause I was just, it was ridiculous, but it was just like, uh, cause they're, they're fake, like Caligula was like a fake emperor and he knew it. And he knew, so he just had to be crazy all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he was, it was like during the chaotic emperors. Because, so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would, like, one of his wives, because he murdered all his wives. Like, any time he, he had this one chick, and any time he would, like, kiss her goodnight, he would kiss her on her cheek, and he would say, and he would rub his hands on her cheek and say, and as with these hands, that I could also slit your throat. Good night. Damn!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It is. It's like, I can't stop thinking about Tekashi69, though. Like, he's now the patron saint of snitching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's one thing I don't do, I don't like, I don't like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I don't jerk off to like overly hot chicks that are on the cross. And it's not, not even chicks that I know, like I'll pass the chick on the stream like, perfect. You know, like that's like an average chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I've only ever used it. Like I don't- Good for you dude. I've never gotten into any kind of porn. It just seemed silly to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna lie to you man, I feel great, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I know, I know I'm gonna smoke again. I like, I get to this point where,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So remember back in the day when we first met, I used to always stop smoking around like, around fall and take a long break and then start smoking again. And in that time it was like, I'd feel great when I wasn't smoking, but I would just eventually be like, man, I just like being high. I just like it. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I can see that. And it would like, it would be funny because like, I would start getting this momentum in comedy. I would start getting booked more. I had like the patience to actually send emails and sit down and do all that shit. And then I would start smoking and then I'd just like all completely, like in six months it like falls, you know what I mean? It's like in six months it starts slowing down. So yeah, it's uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I, every now and again I have to stop smoking just so I can like buckle down and get things done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have one too. I'm on 50%. No, I have one too. It's crazy. It's crazy. Prove it. Airflow. Clear. Deviated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you probably have like a 50% blockage. I'm at 75.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the thing too, I go and they're like, I'll go to like a specialist and they're like, why are you here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to a sleep doctor and they call and they're like, what do you, uh, what do you want to come here for? I'm like, I want to get hooked up to the fucking shit and go to sleep. Like, fuck. What do I need, like something else? It's like, yea, and they're like, uh, and I was like, I might have sleep apnea, dude, hook me up. I'm like, alright. I was like, fuck yea. I think it's just my deviated septum. I went to the place, the ear, nose and throat doctor. Dude, they fucking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we do like, they just like jam this fucking, eh, like blast air up my nose. I'm already tapping, I'm like, guys, fuck it, I don't care, just leave it. And they're like, well, we gotta, uh, they had to like do some kind of thing where they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I'm sort of like, uh, they like desensitized my nose and they stuck like a fucking stick up my- like a camera. Dude, the whole time I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like fighting the guy off, dude, it was so fucking funny, and he was like, dude, like, what are you doing? Chill out. And I was like, dude, I don't understand, like, I fucking don't like this shit. He was like, well, you have a deviated septum, it's at like, I think it's at like 97%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have pure, yea dude, I have Ron, I just only breathe out of my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you guys don't see the side of me, but I do wear an oxygen tank. Really? I wish dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at like ten, ten minute pace for a mile for me, that's like, that's like, some dude actually just invited me to go, uh, run with him. He's like, we'll just do two miles, and I'm like, you prepared to walk half of it, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you gotta turn it down on the fuckin' treadmill. Well I tried little tricks where like I would like walk really fast so then I can run a little slower and I'm like, I'll power walk the same, you know, you just gotta run. Yeah. Doesn't do it. It's not helping. Yeah bro, I went to the gym today dude, I'm getting fuckin'. Dude, you look great. Thank you man. You got a haircut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A long bald head. You get a fucking short buzz right now, that would be nasty dude. Maybe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you got like a fade, like a short buzz of the fade, that would be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started watching a show, the main character is kind of bald, it's the show on HBO about the guy who sells weed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was he really? Yea. Damn, I wish I kept watching and saw him in the kibis. Yea, in the kibis. Is he acting it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's one of those shows, it's like Californication, it's a show I don't really like that much and I just, I'm like, I'll just kind of keep watching it. But it's funny because in the beginning of the second season, Trump wins. So everyone there is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was just getting started. The fact that his daughter, that's the funniest fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't, I mean dude, the fact that the Trumps, one of their scandals is plagiarism is so fucking funny. His wife got caught and I was like, alright, they probably all have the same speech writers, come on, come on, give them a fucking break. That tweet, I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. He went in on that. He did. Dude, Tyree said it's on site if he sees him. Tyreece? Baby boy's gonna fuck him up. Damn. Tyreece sees him, he's gonna fuck him up. Damn. That's not an enemy I wanna have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is like a, everything you read on there, cause I was reading uh, Trump's like, memorandum tweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I love reading the, uh, comments below when Trump tweets. Yeah, they're like, fuck, yeah. Well, it's like, yeah, it's a bunch of people being like, you're the worst, fucking great, Kobe hated you, Kobe fucking hated you, and then people are like, this is why liberals can't have anything. You can't, can't we just come together and mourn Kobe? And it's like, just get the fuck, you guys don't have to talk to each other at all. You guys can totally ignore each other forever and die. No problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That shit under his tweets, or really anyone's, is so fucking funny. People going on and being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. I'm all up in the mix, dude. Being like, yo guys, can't we just all get fucking along? True. Man Chain Secret Podcast, beacon of peace, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt weird more than bummed. I was out, yea, I was out to breakfast and I just got the group text and was like, Kobe died. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I saw the TMZ link and I was like, shit. Why do I care? Well, it wasn't even like I did. It was weird. It just kind of like, yea, I didn't get really upset about it. I just kind of sat there and was like, man, Kobe Brinstead? And I was like, alright. Whatever. And then like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the worst, the weirdest part for me is like, I have to watch all of the stuff online of people being like, man, I was in LA and everyone's coming together, like it was fucking 9-11, they're like, just everyone in the city now is coming together, it's just such a beautiful place to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like, am I a psycho? Because I- I- you know, I- I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I start feeling like a psycho, I'm like, am I missing out on this whole experience of being like, oh fuck, dude, this guy died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, that sad? Do I care? No? Then there's the jokers dude who are going out and being like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also, yeah, I don't know, I mean, it is strange though to see like- If it's a funny one. Yeah, of course. That's funny. If anything's funny, it's rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is funny when people, especially comedians, are like, oh fuck, Kobe said, alright, this is my chance, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, it's like dude, you don't have to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People should do them, but it is so fucking funny to watch just to be plugged into that whole thing of like, the nation needs my input right now. It's like dude, sit on it man, just chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, dude, I respect anyone going for it. It's like, if you're going for it, go for it, but. Go for it. God damn, that blowback is so far, it's just getting more and more crazy to where people, cause I was reading this, if you're tweeting, people were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not comedy. How is this funny? I get it. I love comedy and this is not comedy. And people are like, you don't even fucking get it, dude. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah. I'm like, we're losing our fucking minds, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're losing him, man. I-I was- This has been on my mind heavily this week. Hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we're so far away from our survival needs. We're literally, we're made to, like, our physiological systems are made to, like, not have food and be like, fuck, fuck, fuck, and get food and be like, nah, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool, yeaah, I can sleep, relax, I am cool. And we've transcended that so far to where now we're using our like, secure food physiological system for ego ascension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now the game is like, alright, my ego has to rise above all the others. So there's just like constant threats to it, all day, every day, to where you're in a sort of weird jungle all day long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sick. I love it. Sick. I love it. I love it too. Mahalo bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just, it's, Coalwood has to like drift on shores and it ages for a long time. They make musical instruments out of it. I mean I'm very musical. True, I think it's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually a very, very cool ring, man. It's a, it's a rare wood, kilwood. It's a polished, it makes beautiful instruments. But yea, the, uh, it's nice. I kinda like, I like now that I have something to do while I talk to somebody. I sit there and fuck around. Yea, you can fiddle with your ring. It's kinda tight. That's nice. Yea, dude. That's nice. Just waiting for the babes to come out of the fucking scandalous babes to come out of woodwork. Wanna see it again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, she did such a good job. Oh my god, you did such a good job on this. Yes. Yea, that's pretty... But dude, I'm telling you, this is, this is the realm we're in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like we got it, we're, we're combating ego ascension. And dude, for anyone to be like, yeah, we're all, we're all in it, bro. Of course. Nobody's not in it. Of course. We're all in it. And now it's getting, it's like the internet is that place that you could possibly, it's like the portal where we could possibly ascend and it's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, dude, you could probably do it. You could probably go in there. The best thing about you buying a car is you worked in a car dealership, so you can be like, Paul's the fucking baloney, bro. You're talking to an old car dealer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure you got a nice chuckle out of that. So you told him like, well you should be like car man to car man bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't think so, bro. There's no real Chinese, uh, I don't think there's any Chinese car companies. Why are you bringing up China, dude? Well, I'm just thinking, there's like Honda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, imagine being the journalist, like, go find out what's going on over there, and he's like, god fucking d- I'm not putting my name on this, dude. They're gonna kill me for it. They're gonna fucking kill me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. What is the exact, what's the exact like pathway of like bat to virus?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. There was a wild theory someone fucked a monkey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of us munched bats. Well it's funny too, cause like, there's like definitely, China has like that elite ruling class, and then there's like a ton of fucking peasants. So the guy, like the elite Chinese are like, alright we got the 50 year plan going, we're doing this, and they're like, uh, sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not, look, look, Matt, Matt, Matt. Bats are a naturally occurring protein, dude, in nature. You can't eat them. There's nothing wrong with eating them. True. If you get the coronavirus, you're fucking racist, dude. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, you heard it here first. Look, I'm not, I'm not crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, do they do like the show Chopped over there? Do you ever see Chopped on the Food Network where they give you like 5 or 6 different things?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? The Chinese people are eating bats. Dude, I mean honestly, keeping animals in cages and not eating was the weirdest thing. True. At least they're just fucking, you know. They're going China first on that one, it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was. You should strike a deal with, uh, Chevy. See if they can have you do like, be the all new. True. You can be the Matthew McConaughey of Chevy Cruz, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know it's tempting. I see those things. I see those suckers flying around in the summer sky. The bats? Yea, I see them. I've thought about getting one of them. Taking it to the house. Do that whole thing where you put like the fucking, like, napkin over your head and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is that called? You drown it in cognac. Yeah, you drown the bird in cognac. And then it's like such a horrible thing to do. You're supposed to hide from God and put the fucking napkin over your head as you just like eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, I think we're all, we're all gonna get to the point eventually where we just be like, alright, we shouldn't, like, dude, eating, like, pigs is fucked up. It is. We make fun of certain countries for eating dogs and stuff. Pigs is sad. Pigs? Dude, pigs- What countries?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, whoever eats dogs, I don't know, Russia, whoever. And some countries eat dogs dude, it's not that weird dude, stop being so fucking Eurocentric about it Shane. I'm not. So what I'm saying is the fact that we eat pigs is just as bad as eating dogs. Pigs no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they study brain chemistry, they use pigs because pigs' brains are so similar to ours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, dude, I'm like, I can't eat fucking pork anymore, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's tough. I'll get people fired. That's not good. That's a fire fest. That might be war propaganda, dude. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's fucked up dude. It is, I mean again, I think, I think we're all gonna get to the, we're all gonna get on the wave where we're like, alright, this is, I think in 20 years, eating, eating like animals, people are gonna, or not 20, like 50 years, they're gonna be like, you had em bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but also, like, again, like, chickens would go extinct. Chickens will die in the wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should let them loose. Or you could just eat their eggs. They're just gonna be out, dude. Yea, no, they'll be, no, that's bullshit because they're eggs. Chickens will be around. Yea. People will still want to eat eggs. Yea. That's fair game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to think what we'll make it. Pigs would be good. You know, if you let a pig out in the wild, it becomes a boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start squealing. I black out. A couple times it's happened to me, I just like kinda come to and black out. It is like, I just go full spasmo dude. Super cyan. Bend the fork. Whenever I fight with dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good move. As a distant dad, if you want to leave your kid, you have to go, like, live at the top of the mountain and be a Kung Fu master, so when he finally comes to find you, he's like, I've been waiting for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone loves- I mean, dude, he's the funniest- he's the funniest comedian alive. Literally the funniest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you're chilling backstage with literally the two gods, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he's always been. Remember Digital? We've talked about him on Digital.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never seen anything like that, of a dude, I mean, it's unimaginable if you're listening to this, but Digital Graffiti, the show we do, is when like, you tweet, so people are on stage, a comic's trying to perform, and there's a screen behind them where people are just tweeting at the worst shit they can think of about that person, just clowning them, so the audience is just laughing at you. It's literally like a hallucination, like a movie where everyone's like, ha ha ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got weird, I got weird teeth. I spent more on my teeth this year than you guys made, dude. It was so fucking funny. It was so funny, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, honestly, that whole, I don't think we've talked about this before, but it's all been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were doing our thing and we got, we felt the authoritarian push of just people being like, well who's on your show? And it was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa dude, what the fuck, what are you guys doing? Like I- I don't bother you guys at all. What is this weird uprising? So, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's bullshit, but my thing is, if someone is so, like here's the thing, if someone is so genuinely be like, fuck you, I hate what you're doing, what change that they were able to be like, eh, hey, let's let bygones be bygones, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't she, like, apolo- like, kinda like, yeaah, build, well, amend the bridges? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, my thing is, like, do you genuinely feel the way you feel? Or was it being opportunistic? Like, which one is it? What's changed now that all of a sudden, like, I'm forgiven? I guess there's the swells of passion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. It's just, that's the thing I do. It's like, it's just bizarre. It's like, what's transpired now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's the fucking, just the, the whole magnetic- That's the other thing too, I don't even really get mad at people cause like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's beaming towards the magnetic pull of social media, and like the possibility of like, that's the one that put me over the edge, and it's like, what the fuck, is this retarded, it makes no sense. Yeah, it's whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? Yeah, that's a fair question to be like, well what the fuck? But it's also like, dude, none of us know how to handle this kind of communication we're in right now. So when people go off the rails with it, you just gotta be like, I get it bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like psycho parents, you know those like psycho parents who mold their shit like they like don't let their kids pick what they wanna do? They're gonna start being like, I have full control, like, or cognizant of this, gonna take like full control, so you're gonna have people with like, polished, pre-polished social media things. That'd be a big industry too, of being able to fucking, I'm sure it is already, being able to totally erase all that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time, every time if you're making all this up. I'd be sick. You were just chilling in a party last night, just like, and then Louis, and then Louis called me and said dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's unbelievable. I would be filled, I'd be electrically filled with glee if he would touch me in any capacity and acknowledge my existence. I'd be like, oh god, you're the funniest. I saw you in two theaters, you're so funny. He's so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been here. He is a fucking monster, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're 42 minutes in. So, so this is actually, so the other night I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually had, I had like, not an, well I have like an epiphany every day, but I had like a, I had a mini, I had a mini epiphany. I was sitting there, I was with, I was with my pregnant babe dude, she's like, you know, going through pregnant babe stuff. And, she's like, her back hurts, all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm laying in bed with her. She'll like bring me out to bed, like you rub my back. And I'm like, fine, I'll rub your back. But it's just, you know, it's all, all day, every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So in my head I'm sitting there and I'm like, I wanted to play fucking 1914 really bad. So it's like a hard game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I'm looking dude, I'm spying on everybody, I'm seeing what's going on. Just start like three different games. I don't wanna play, I can't, I can't split my attention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm 100%, I'm 100% invested. You're capital, Benghazi. Yeah, Benghazi. I'm trying to right the wrongs and fucking the hill dog did. So I'm sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sitting there and I'm like, like, you know, I'm comforting my pregnant wife and this is how fucked up I am about phones in general.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I like, bring my phone near me and it's like, dude, don't, don't be on your phone, like, tend to her, dude, what are you doing? Like, I would, like, just subconsciously, like, put my phone next to me, and it's like, dude, I had to literally choose that night, I'm like, am I gonna just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do my stuff with my phone, like, what do I like more, my phone or my wife? That's a, dude, that's a hard question to really answer. Of being like, I have such a nightly ritual where like, I go, I do all my stuff, I look at my phone, I like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I couldn't do my phone thing before bed and it was fucking killing me dude to the point where literally I was like rubbing her back and I grabbed my phone and like sat it beside me. I sat it near me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, literally, I put it- You snuggled with it. It was like the movie She. It was like the, uh, like literally the- Yeah. Cause dude, if you think about it from the phone- Me, it's her. Her, excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The phone, from the phone you get like sexual excitement. You do get a lot of stuff from your phone that's uncomfortable to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, who's that? The track runner? I thought that was the track runner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's uh, dude, I'm telling you, I have a hard... And then people were coming at my baby online. Saying she's not hot. Who was coming at your baby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully you can feel out. I'm sure, like, you know when you get an Amazon package, like, yep, these are my golf tees. Yep, this has come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have to say to the fuckin' post office, like, does this contain liquids? And you're like, uh, well technically no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the viscous cut off for a liquid? Ew, man. Probably stinks. Cum has to like smell horrible after three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's horrendous dude. I wonder though if cum crystallizes can you just add water and like bring it back to life kinda?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking Jurassic Park, dude. True. It's Scotty Jurassic Park, dude. Why are you guys making a park full of these dudes? Like, I don't know. It'd be sick park. That'd be awesome. They wouldn't be doing anything. Scotty Park?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I literally had to like, be like, I have, I have to put my phone on the floor and just like fully, I was giving him like 50-50 attention. I was, you know, if I was a, if I was an MSI laptop, which obviously has like, I think it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's too many processors. I'm a dual core, so I'm like, one of my processors is like, alright, once she falls asleep, here's all the cool things I wanna do on my phone, and I literally just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I've been, uh, I get a bad, like, so I pee in the guest bathrooms, I don't want to pee, like, you know, I just, it's just a world of shit, like, the toilet seat argument and all that stuff. So I keep it up in the guest bathroom, so I walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got my basement, dude. So I pee in the guest bedroom. And then, or the guest, not the guest bedroom, the guest bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, like, I, there's sometimes, like, I don't shake properly, and I, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, like, I've been embarrassed, usually I'm like a little bit, I rub it in. There's been levels of piss I've had on me the last couple nights where I'm like, I'm covered in piss. Like I shouldn't get it, I should shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, I just, it's at night time. I don't even have pants, I'm naked. So I shake naked and I just walk back just covered in piss and I'm like, I'm rubbing in so I can hit the sheets and I'm like, and people only knew how to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you sleep with sweatpants, you wake up and they're like track shorts with the fucking elastics all the way up your fucking thigh. Why wouldn't you sleep naked? That's kind of weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I don't know, I don't know why our dicks have to be secret. Have I showed you my dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I wasn't having gay sex, I was just walking around, gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was an apartment where this guy was like, come blow me. And I was like, I don't wanna fuckin' blow this guy. But I was gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, fuck man. So I go to this dude's apartment and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna suck your dick, bro. He's like, dude, you're fucking gay. I was like, yeah, I know, but I was like, I literally, I'm looking, I'm staring at the reality of blowing you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit fucking, it was like a whole new experience where I was like, woah. Did you only crack one nut? One, but I thought about going for that second, because I couldn't fall asleep. That's how you fall into VR porn. Dude, and I thought about it, I was like, I might do that again. I was awesome. But then, you know, since I've gotten off it, but I don't know what, I think it has something to do with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lottery scottery, dude. Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, man, if you put on that fucking VR shit and get a flashlight, that's a lot of fucking simulation. That's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tasted it of just my shitty cell phone, not even horizontally, I was just like, flipping around and being like, oh, there's another, oh wow, there's someone else there, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to somebody who watched it and they said they claimed it. Like, when a butthole came into view they instinctively tried to smell it. Smud. No. Not smud. I can't, I can't air him out. It wasn't smud though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spud would, I mean, spud would. Rainy? No. Close? It's getting warm, it's getting warm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that would be tight if you started decloaking yourself only on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might be the Coco. Dude, there's one of those in every, uh, every course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just pointedly, he just retweeted, JK Rowlands finished her like 90th fucking book and he was like, this is a great day today. Cause JK was like, I'm done. So fucking SK was just kinda like, love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's an edgy liberal dude. Edgy lib? True. Yeaah, he's a, he's a cumboy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he's starting, he's starting to, well he's, he was like a big counterculture head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he grew up in like, you know, the 60's counterculture, now he sees, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. Well, just following the demographic, right? Do they see the demographic shift that's going as people get older? So they're just kinda, I think they're just following that around, but dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would, like dude, the hippie commune now, if someone made that, people would be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is cool. When you start doing that SPXX church, that's when people are like, that's the new Woodstock, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Creed, we gotta do Woodstock, Creed, Yeezy, that'd be tight dude. Yeah. Like woah. Yes. Have everyone just like smoke cigars or drink Bud Lights and just be like dancing in the mud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Oh man. Dude, I had to read an article for school about the shift of the family dynamics over time, like why it happened. Dude, that was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] School dropped a fucking hot one, dude. People were not liking it. There's people who are like, I don't know, that article's kinda weird. I'm like, that's what you call the fucking, uh, non-bubble sources, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. That's also something that like, you gotta keep going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're like, there's definitely like a Republican apparatus that's like, yo, fire up some more of that fucking child sacrifice shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a boy to them. Yea, that's a monumental, that's your boy. Be like, that's your boy? That's not my boy. No, that's your boy. That's your fucking boy, you're on a plane. Nah, I just chill with the staff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better check your mans, dude. Who, your boy Epsi? They did it, they hit Prince Andrew hard on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, my boys wouldn't kill themselves. I don't kill people who do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, well they broke down the reason, the shift in families, like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why now like the divorce rate spiked and like how like now there's like the, the nuclear family is no longer more of a thing. We're going more towards like a co-parenting thing where like, it's more traditional now, well, it's, yeah, it's more traditional than it was before of people to have like a dad, stepdad, stepmom. That's becoming kind of more the norm. But they're saying the thing that first started that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well one of the things was just the move of global, the global capital. So when cap, when people, when billionaires were like, you can go pay people 50 cents an hour and fucking bait, or back then it was probably like 3 cents an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then the people are like, yea, you can do that. Because before it was just, you're in your country, you're doing your thing, you would invade other countries and take their stuff. They're like, no, no, no. We're not going to invade them, we're just going to pay them no money and, you know, have all the jobs there. So people, billionaires or whatever were like, well that fucking rules. So they're like, yea, let's fucking, let's do that. So they did that. So you have the bottom of the labor pool. So you have, uh, it was just poor black dudes. So you have poor black dudes who were just like, striving for jobs already. And then all of a sudden, all the, a lot of those jobs-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't use tissue, yea. A lot of those jobs go overseas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were the first ones to get hit with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well also too, like the news probably wasn't covering this shit, so they had like the whole shit on lock, it's all hushed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're a black dude and you're like, no, no, I'm telling you, like, there's no, I can't find a fucking job anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So these dudes are like, trying to have families and you know, it's just, resources are scarce, so then like, black women would be like, their mothers apparently, according to this guy, would instruct them to be like, alright, he gave, he knocked you up, hold off on the ring, don't take a ring until he proves himself in terms of like getting education, getting a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then like, this dude would be like, alright, I want you to be my wife, and she'd be like, That's kind of assomptive. We'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the guy said he did, he said he did research and they were like, that was the most common answer of their mom being like, hold off, make sure this guy's not a bum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then these dudes are like, no, I'm telling you dude, like they- I don't know where the judge was, they probably didn't under- like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true dude, exactly. Well even if you did, you had to be like, well I'm not just gonna link up with you just yet until you prove yourself. Suddenly you're a dude and you're like, we're gonna fuck yourself then. So then there's poor white dudes who are being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I'll tell you what's wrong with you guys, you know that? Yeah, you're lazy. And then the globalization hit them and they're like, god fucking god damn it, what the hell, there's no god damn jobs. They took their germs, bros. Everybody's taking germs. They took their fucking germs. So now there's this weird thing where like, a whole


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who are like a little more richer, or like, you know, who are more rich and kind of like elite from like the professional class. So at that time, women were going to college a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then you had these- so then you had these households where like the money's just diminishing. Then you had these other households where like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dude has a job and then there's a girl who's going to college and she's a freak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the funniest part was, and this is according to this paper, that the women didn't need the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy made enough, you're already in the professional class, you're marrying into a family where this dude's just like a lawyer, doctor, manager, something who's making enough money to sustain a family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then women were like, well I went to college, so I'm going to get a job. So then like the feminist movement, that push of being like, well we should work too, you know, do your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the income was totally unnecessary. So you just took income from, you know, I mean, I guess kind of a bad for unfair way to put it, but they just took jobs unnecessarily. So then not only did they have a job that someone else could have had, now they have more money than they know what to do with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what, that's part of what kind of, it was like globalization and then that like feminist push into the workplace of being like, I should work too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of what created that big schism in terms of like stratifying the classes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The author wasn't being critical, he was like, here's what happened. This is to my best, there's a zillion variables, here's kind of what went on. But the funniest part is, and then he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These houses had so much money, like, people didn't, like, most people didn't have that much expendable income.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So now you have these houses that have like, just so much fucking money that they don't need, so then they just start advertising and selling more and more expensive shit, and then being like, oh cars are more expensive, houses are more expensive now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty fucking wild. Yeah. People were just kinda like, this article is weird. And it's like, what? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're like just to know like things are complex, dude. Things are complex. What, like, you know, the billionaire's fucked up, and then women were like, I wanna work too, and it was like, you know, which, you know, by all means, knock yourself out, but now it's kinda like, well that sucks. That was a shitty move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I'm real- now I'm gonna like figure out my budget. How much money do I need a month? If I can make that, cool, let me go do the stuff I like to do. But to be like, I want a job. So what are you gonna do with the money? Like, what's the fucking end goal here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna do that thing. It's just po- it's just weird to just be like, I wanna have that job, and then it's like, what the fuck, what's the point of the money, just to have it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This isn't being like, women can't work, but it's for any- it's for anybody, dude. It's for anybody, it's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your fucking goal with it? It's like, I wanna make a lot of money. It's like, to do what? It's weird. Living in the service, pure service of money is strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm more- You need money, obviously. Nah, Matt, you're- You need money, but if you don't figure out-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course dude, I, dude, I, I'm always making, I'm always fucking making my peace, bro, dude. Please. Always making my peace. But, it's like, you gotta have a plan for your peace. Of course. Otherwise, you're a money slave. It was just weird to think of a bunch of people being like, I wanna work, and it's like, family doesn't, we're cool, we got all the bills covered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just weird. Sure. It's weird to think about. That was what I was thinking about today, the ego ascension thing, how we're all just kinda like, walking around trying to manifest our dreams into reality, just like, oh check it out, check it out. It's basically us just walking around trying to kick the Charlie Brown football on us, just like, woah fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea man, that's what I was tripping out on. I'm like, dude, that's the, that's the missing piece. If we go back to a survival game and like that's all we're trying to do, that's the move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good point, to be like, I'm razzin'. I'm having fun. Razzin', guys. Yeah, that's uh, again, I've said it before. I'm laughin', I'm having a good time. The moment I have a kid with fuckin' Down Syndrome, I'm fightin' any comedian who makes fun. Like, I've said it before. No. I'm Schrodinger's cat, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is true too, like, we'll, like, we'll let them freak out about it. But again, if you're the parent, that probably geeks you out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's just kinda like, I mean I guess you'd be upset, but like, why are you upset dude? Celebrate the little guy dude. Exactly. Celebrate him in his totality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's got, yeah, it's a motherfucker for people to deal with psychologically. But, it's like, should be, you get positive vibes on it, dude. Where people are like, dude, this motherfucker's wild. This motherfucker, but it's, it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. That is funny. You might have to go full volunteer, dude. I did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made it up, I completely made it up. I made up the fact that I was running a poker meetup for older men. And then just completely lied. And made it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? See, that's what I wanna know. I would love to research like the depths of their sadness, the peaks of their happiness. See like, when they get bummed, that's gotta be a tough combo to have with a kid when they're like, I'm bummed. And you're like, c'mon man. Sun's just shining up, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, let's fucking, let's explicit, maybe we should turn, but dude, I'm reading a book right now about, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I was like, if I die young, it should be right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I did not just say I hate it the moment we started talking. Why? I was just gonna be like, the moment we started talking, I was gonna be like, I hate it! But then he was like, for people that can't afford therapy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like whether you're living up to your means and ability, they come around and like judge everybody in the town.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, player? What's up? What's goin' on? Chillin', man. How we goin'?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want, this can be soundchecked. Let's fucking roll. Let's ride. Dude, you are the fucking man. You rode, how long did you, what, how much time did you spend driving?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was surprised. That's how we do it. That was a call. I was surprised. When you called me today, you were like, I don't know, we'll see how we feel. I was like, maybe he'll call me around four. I was like, there's no fucking way I want to do a podcast. I'm ready. The fact that you wanted to rip it, I was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. I'm charged up bro. I'm actually weirdly amped right now. I'm alright. Really? We'll see. We'll see how I feel. I'm amped bro. What are you amped about? I'm, dude, I'm on a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've just been getting so much shit done. Nice. I bugged on productivity the last like two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why doesn't he- Sit on the dash. Why doesn't he spring and get the speakers fixed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised they rented you guys a hotel room. They were like- They tried not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they're just playing, that's the first, you know. My cousin, my cousin Frankie was like working at my house, he came to build like a little breakfast bench.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just kinda like, dude, they're battling for who loses first in the playoffs. He's like, who gives a fuck. Maybe so. I mean, I have faith in my birds. I'm diehard. I have faith in my birds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost kicked him out and said, dude, I don't want you to even finish this breakfast bench. That's the attitude you're bringing towards my birds around here. Why would he say anything like that about the birds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause he was working, his friends were giving him shit, like, oh, what are you working again? Like, you don't ever watch football, blah, blah, blah. Which I was like, your friends are right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, right, right, right. Someone was just telling me they pested someone real hard lately. Really? Someone was just telling me, like, you know, I listened to that cast and then I pested someone as hard as I could.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know. That's the best, that's like, that's like when you eat a certain food for like mosquitoes dude, that's like the perfect pest environment. True, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy to play off. It's also kind of erotic too, to be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was very fun. God damn it, that must be funny to watch him do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just been crushing it on the home front. Jim, five days a week, eating well. What? Yea dude, every, I've been, I've been eating out minimally. I have, I have like stump, well, a couple things occurred to me the last couple weeks, but like, I got real into, what, did you ever listen to the book, the Raw Contact?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you familiar with channeled literature? No. Shit, bro. Dude, it's the, this- Sounds like I'm not gonna like it, but go ahead. You're gonna love it. Sounds like I hate it. Dude, so, you know who Raya is, like the Egyptian sun god?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's a, there's a whole genre of literature that strictly comes from people who are channeling extra-dimensional, extra-dimensional entities. Yes. So the raw contact was there's these three people. I think it was two at first. Either way, there's three people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it was like a husband, a wife, and their like dog. And they, they were just meditating in the desert for like seven years. They were just doing their thing. And they started getting into like channeling and stuff. So the lady decided to try to start channeling. And she just like started just spewing this like, dude they wrote like five fucking books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ra, the Sun God Ra, or, or, er, obviously, not even the Sun God, this is like, Osiris. Well, I'm trying to think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they needed sexual, like, they were like, it'll help channel, like, it, like, sexual kind of, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Contact helps like, keep like, they call it the instrument, the person who's channeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this dude would be eating his wife's pussy, and she'd just be like, speaking out like cosmic information, and that's where in my head I'm like, that sounds fucking awesome. Really? Dude, this lady's talking about like how you're eating a girl's pussy, and she's like, the pyramids, known as the, in the extradimensional year of 2000, dude, they filled like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming from a 4th dimensional, 4th dimensional entity like yourself, I would believe that, dude. I'm 6th dimensional. Yuck. So I'm hearing that, I'm 6th dimensional, I'm a wanderer, dude. So it's like, I'm digging it, but if, you know, obviously from the 4th dimensional with, you know, certain cognitive distortions. I fucking drove 8 hours, dude, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they were just, they don't like go through that explicitly, it's just, the whole book is just a guy asking a question, and then it goes, this, I am Ra. And that, cause they're just saying like, cause these, this was all on like an audio set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, even thinking of it this way, obviously if she's not talking to- well, I have a whole stance right now. All my reading has led me to extra-dimensional entities. All the reading I have done that culminated-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most part have, all have a common thing of like a, like do you know what mysticism is? Like the actual definition of it? No, what's the definition? So they, and this is according to, you know, to one source, but they were saying that mysticism is technically the belief that human beings are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The physical manifestation of like, God's consciousness. So like, you know, that whole thing, like, we're all God, like, exploring and looking around, blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, all, so I've read Zanoni. That's about, as a Rosicrucian tale. Do you know what they believed? A Rosicrucian tale? Yea. What is that? Rosicrucians, they're like, they're like a branch of like alchemists or whatever. Okay. Or it's like, it like, it grew out of alchemy and apparently like it allotted like the... What? See, like I've never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. Dude, the Rosicrucians apparently have like strong ties to Philadelphia. You know Hermit Lane? No. Bro, there's a cave in the woods in Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's a cave out there, and it's literally, there was a- It's gotta be filled with dudes on heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not, weirdly I've been inside there, weirdly it's not. But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So around the- It's not party time in the cave? It's not party time in there, dude. I mean, there's people who- I've known people who've gone in there and like, eaten hallucinogens. Like, Hermit Woods in Philadelphia, you can look this up, they were a group of German, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of Germans, I can't think of the fucking word because I'm a fucking moron. They weren't Nazis. They were German mystics who came from, they were, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, we were defending them, we were like, that must have been so fucking hard. Oh my god, the clip? Yea. That was some motherfucking bullshit. Don't even mention the fucking clip. We love the partners. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's, I'm telling you, it's a, I've, I've worked with them before. Mean isn't the correct h- They're not mean, they're, they're super friendly dude. Yeah. Like all of that, when you hear that like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] African music, it's like, low percussion, it's like, heeeeh. Like, they're talking to you, and it's like, nothing but, like, I got in the Uber, and the guy, I'm like, yeah, he's the guy, he's like, how you doing, man? I'm like, chilling, dude. He's like, if you have your health, it's nothing. And I'm like, yes, dude. Thank you, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was so funny though, cause we're talking, uh, he was talking to me about, I was asking him earnestly, and I'll get back to, don't, let me forget about her and Dave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, he was being really nice cause, so we were talking about the fact that, uh, he was like saying how he's from a big family. Cause we were talking about having kids, and he's like, yea, I only have one kid right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to have more, I'm like, yea, I kinda wanna have more kids too, I don't wanna just have one. And, uh, he was like, yea man, my, my dad, he's like, I'm one of six kids, and then my dad had another wife, and she, they had seven kids, that, we have a big family, and I was like, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did your dad pull that off? I'm like, I'm asking earnestly, like, how the fuck do you, how do you deal with the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Having two wives. And he was just like, it's easy man. He's like, you just gotta be straight up and be like, this is what we're doing. It's right from the gate. Like, this is the kind of dude I am. This is what I wanna do. He's like, I mean I'm not gonna lie, in Africa it's a little easier to do that. He's like, over here, he's like, I suggest you just stay to yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, he was like over here. Where in Africa was he from? He didn't say. He didn't say. He didn't say. But uh, he was just kind of, and he was like, he wasn't even talking like fucking bitches, he was like, hit me with like matter of fact stuff, he was like, he's like no, you can be nice, and still like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, limit your babe. He was like, cause if you don't limit them, he's like, they literally, dude, he was saying what I said. He's like, let's do what they say to do on every single decision and they will literally just completely control your whole life and cut it all off and you'll just be, you'll be fucked. You'll be living a bad life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you live, if you were to go like yea, if you were to do like the radical yes experiment where you're just like, okay, yea let's do that. Oh yea, let's do that too. Oh yea, yea. If you do that, I still hold, I, and again, maybe my views warped. I don't know. But this guy is telling me the same exact thing and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah. No. No, no, no. I'm trying to think the conversation we were having was a nice one. It wasn't like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, sometimes I just, I want to stay out here. And I was telling him, I'm like, yea dude, like, when I got married, I remember thinking about my dad sitting in his truck for like 45 minutes after work and being like, what's dad doing out there? And being like, uh, when you pull up and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sit outside your house and you're like, I'm not fucking going, not yet. I'm not going in yet. We're just talking about stuff like that. That makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was funny. It was funny hearing him, and again, maybe this could be the fact that like, you know, he's, you know, if you're not really, it takes a lot to be equipped, you have to be raised a certain way to be equipped to like deal with women in like a 100% feminist approved way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you miss out on those, like, crucial early role models, it's just a lady yelling at you and you're like, shut up! Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! And then someone's like, you shouldn't do that. It's like, I don't know, whatever. I'm fucking, I'm going off on a tangent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1800s. Yeah, they came to Philly in like the 1800s, I believe. And just chilled in the woods and lived off the land, did their thing. I think one of the prominent families in that area still comes from that whole, and they're named after, not Hermit,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another street up there, I think they like named after that family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, they kind of embedded it in Philadelphia and it became like, you know, part of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where a lot of that Rosicrucian, kind of like, uh, Benjamin Franklin Secret Society shit comes from. I think he was earlier than that. He would have been, yeaah. But yeaah. But the, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, the Rosicrucian story I read was basically, so they're, again, from this book, their world view is that, so you know how like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course they're doing, they're eating plants and having like, you know, they were living off the land and doing all kinds of wild shit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you macrodosing? No, dude, I'm just reading channeled material, dude, what's the problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, just get into it. It's fucking good. So the, uh, so in the Rosicrucian, this is the Zanoni book I've been reading for like three months. I used to bring it to school and people would just look at it and be like, what the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is, I think this is the belief of like, you know, I guess would be like, you know, certain mystics of, I guess like the 17th century. Was that, it was like a Christian sect. Who didn't believe in like, the Old Testament God per se. Well they did, but it was like totally different to where, so like say like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how like a leaf has like a drop of water and in that drop of water there's just like tons of- there's a whole-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That kind of like magnification stops at outer space, like just stops dead at outer space, is they were back then, they were like, that's so dumb. Because this was like during the French Revolution kind of when people started pushing atheism real hard, and they were like, no, you guys are idiots, religious zealots don't have the full picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So saying you could channel these things if you were in the right mind state, if you were like, if you were able to do it. But if you face them with less than perfect courage, they'll ruin you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're, if you're there, you're in a trance, you're channeling these things, and you're not totally like, be gone, cause they'll fucking haunt you. So if you're not, if you don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't meet them with perfect, that's the whole thing with the dweller on the threshold is, you hit the threshold, and if you hit the threshold with anything left than perfect, blind faith, and Adonai, the fucking one creator,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, these things just chew you up and fuck you up and the only way you can get away from it is by running around, merriment, fucking around. Then there's, you know, the things that, the guardians of the threshold that come to haunt you after you enter a trance state, they'll keep bothering you. But if you just hit them and you're like, go back to your place, I don't, I'm, then you know, a donate floats down and it's like, yo, what's up bro? And then what happens when you get in there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you just, you know the secrets of the universe. You're able to move in a way that like most people can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it wasn't, it wasn't even like that, I don't take it that seriously, but to me there's something to be said for being able to hit a trance state and not bugging out and wimping out. And the insights you can get from a trance state, again, like channel material, even obviously if it wasn't like the Egyptian sun god talking to this lady, if someone can get into a state where they produce five volumes of books, I'm impressed. Tons of literature. And some of it, a lot of it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, channel material rules. I was watching this guy, there's like a health and fitness YouTuber I watch, Paul Cech. And I have a dude, I used to watch this when I was a personal trainer back in the day. I remember. I used to watch Paul Cech and I was like, this dude fucking rules. He just like- What did he do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just, I don't know, the way he, uh, he takes like a holistic thing, he takes like a holistic approach to, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like health and fitness, and I was always into that. I was like, dude, this guy, cause I was like, reading these books with fucking people who were like, I remember watching, there's a dude, Elliot Hulse, he would kind of bother me a little bit cause he would just like, look in the camera dead-eyed and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like shit like that, and I was just kinda like alright, but now he's kind of entered into kind of like almost like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More of a mystical realm, but like dude, he checks in with all of his other YouTubers and Paul, he goes to this dude Paul Chexhouse. That's how I found out about the fucking raw contact, cause this dude fucking, he greets him at the door, he's fucking barefoot, shirt off, and he's smoking a volcano bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up dude? He's like telling him all about health and fitness, all the stuff he's done, then he points to the raw material. Dude, and then you can tell this other guy, Elliot Holster, is a little more straight forward. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh cool, what's that? And he's like, oh dude, they fucking gave all the secrets of the universe. And he's like, they were right about stuff that like, scientists got, like they, you know, retroactively, like holy shit. And he's like, well what kind of stuff are they right about? And he's like, oh dude, like the structure of the universe. And he's like, well like what? And he was like, it's just, you gotta read the book, dude. Cause I was like, please, let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta read it. Anyway, I mean they go into like tarot cards, all that stuff about how it works and what you're supposed to do with it. Tarot cards?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get into tarot. I'm about to. When you take tarot- If you got into tarot cards,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know, you know how to do it though? No. You go through them every single day and then eventually you memorize the different cards and you're able to pull them up in your mind at any time and you're just like, one of the cards in the tarot deck is the black race. By the way. Really? You're supposed to every now and again channel the black race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] According to Tarot, exactly dude. I did it today. I was consoling my fucking, my lift guy. I'm like bro, I'm fucking in my wits end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, he was just like, nah dude, his message was, I thought it was pure dude, it was like, just be yourself, don't, again dude, that's the dweller on the threshold. You cannot, you cannot confront the fucking feminine psyche with anything less than perfect fucking courage and faith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause if you falter at all, they will fuckin' pop in there and be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, it's like, I was telling someone the other day, like in terms of like, they were talking about like insecurity, someone was saying something about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, yea dude, I hear what you're saying, but you have to understand, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, looks to them, it's like, you know, they don't have like the penis hang up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, their looks, if a chick's hot, that's, a dude, that would be like to equate the feeling they get, in my opinion, would be like if a dude was like a waiter came up and just flopped like a soft date on the table, was like, what's up guys? And you'd have to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like you have to understand like they're dealing with competition on a scale that like you can't fucking imagine. So then like there's this constant like push to kind of, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll wake up a different dude in six months if you're not constantly like, well chill, well chill. Of course there's exceptions to that. But that can happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, you must check your bitch. You must, dude, you must fuckin' per- total faith, dude. You must come to be a guardian and be like, BEGONE!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be gone, evil sniz. I think. Reveal yourself as the nice woman I know you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny, I haven't been smoking much weed either. Really? Not a lot, dude. I'm telling you, I save it for when I can have three hours blocked off and I hit the couch. And you black out. Total translate, dude. Now I'm kind of scared, dude. I'm scared Ron's gonna call me, dude, if I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes a toll on you physically if you get channeled. That is the proof they had, the lady got, ended up getting like wicked arthritis apparently. Cause it takes a toll, you can't just channel it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If the whole time he was just being channeled the whole like if his voice actually was like hey guys, what's going on? He's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 100%. But again, if you don't, if that's not an ingrained...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It goes up to 8 and repeats on another scale. Just like a musical scale. You're not a one minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeaah, one dimensional is just like a, a little like a rock. And then a plant is a two dimensional where if you're just striving towards light, that's a plant. Three dimensional is someone who can self reflect. And we're right now as a planet, we're like in the fourth dimension. You know, we're having some tough times getting all the way there, but yeaah, hopefully we can move up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it would be, so being self-aware and then having a bent towards service. Using your self-aware nature and then forcing that all towards the realm of service so that, you know, we can live in a better place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but not a nasty nurse. Also, yeaah, basically, be slutty little nurses. Which, not a bad fucking idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, right now I'm on, again, I'm on a productivity kick that's like, on, dude, it's, it doesn't stop. I wake up in the morning and I have a little whiteboard, so I have my four core tasks of the day. The things I have to do every single day to like, you know, this is the stuff I like to do every single day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I make sure I do that, and then I do all the other stuff, so it's like, I wake up, write down my four tasks, I'm like alright, I have to do these things, and here's the obligations I have to get done that exist outside of that. So it helps me insulate my day to not get caught up in doing like, spending too much time on stuff that to me doesn't really matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, I've been fucking, it's been fun. That's nice. I, dude, I use every minute, like, of my day, it's weird. It's fun, it's kinda fun now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, my four core tasks are I have to work out, I have to meditate, I have to write, I have to read. Outside of that, I don't give a fuck what I do. So it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, other than that is like my responsibility. All my other stuff I have to do. Then I try to balance it all with like stuff I like to do as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I've been, yeaah, I've been crushing it, dude. It's been, I've been getting a lot of stuff done, and I've been, I have this, my, so when I have, uh, yeaah, this is definitely the newest thing I've been doing that's been, I've been getting super pumped on, is visualizing my energy, visualizing my energy center. Dude, you get a boost.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I feel tired, I just, I close my eyes, dude, and I think, I picture this like, it's a gold ball, and it's in the ground, it's dusty, and I'm like, fuck dude, and I sit there, and I just imagine it up in the air, spinning real fast, and like, giving off light, and I, dude, I get charged up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then when I'm flying, I check in on it, and I'm like, oh yea, the ball's fucking spinning. See, I'm telling you, it fucking wakes me up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're visualizing my- You visualize your- You visualize your internal energy center and you just go like, what am I feeling right now? And you're like, mmm man, that fucking thing's in the dirt right now. You think about it like, why? And you're like, I gotta get hype. And you just imagine it floating off the ground and spinning real fast. You get crunk. I get fucking hyped, dude. You get crunk. It literally sends adrenaline. I'm like, boom, let's fucking roll. Hell yea. Pretty tight. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at night time, and I also make sure I get- You gotta tuck it in at night. Oh dude, the mother of all my core activities is eight hours of sleep. So my day starts the night before, bro. I make sure I get a solid eight. So that's the start, that's the true start of the day is the night before. Don't get it twisted, bro. True. That's the start of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I got what you said. Well, hopefully they find this guy and bust his ass, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty funny to hear. It's funny to listen to. I know someone who's like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, I told them, I don't give a shit. You're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, why are you talking about a time that you cursed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit of- sounds a little Andrew Cunanan to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, maybe. Andrew Crononin was a gay dude who was like a motherfucker. Did you ever see the Andrew Crononin thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would like, find a rich sugar daddy, and then like start fucking him for money, and then you know, beg on me boyfriend, he was a sweet fucking, he was a sweet little boy dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But either way, the, uh, he just, he went off the rails. He became obsessed with Versace and he kept trying to meet him and talk to him. He met him once and Versace's like, yeah, bro, I'm not trying to bone you. Like, I know you're a hot sweet boy, but like, come on. Or maybe they like kissed, something happened and he's like, all right, bro, peace. Kind of gave him the cold shoulder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy started walk- like working as a male prostitute and convincing his mom he was like a- and everyone else he was like a serious businessman. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would like, be fucking these dudes, who were like closet, like, professional men who were like closet and gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just professional men. Just professionals. Who just like to wind down and relax with young boys who smoked a little bit of meth. Fuck yeah. Dude, he would tape them up, tape their face up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they couldn't breathe and pull it off, put it on, pull it off. And then kill them. And then leave them in their home surrounded by gay porn and leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being like, yea dude, you are fucking gay, don't forget it, and just leave and go find somebody else. He killed like, tons of people. How many?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say like seven or eight. Then he ended up, the apex of his kill was he just one day Versace was outside checking him out. He walked up and was like POP! Shot him, killed him and walked away. And then went and got his boyfriend at the time to like come with him and then he killed him too I guess. Wow. Eventually got attacked by the feds and they got him. I think he's in jail, I don't think they killed him either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a sweet dude. I hope he listens. He rules dude. I mean he's fucked up from what he did. He rules. Fucked up. You watch this thing and it's like, I didn't think I could watch, I think it was on FX and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, I can't be disturbed by something. I was literally disturbed. I was like turning it off being like, I don't wanna fucking watch this. This is fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Allegedly. Yeah, true. Could have been someone else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like just fucking come on, boil it down guys, cause it's just like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut the shit. Cut it out. You ever hear of a thing called fucking editing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. But then the guy was also saying like, oh, this was a physicist. I looked these people up as like UFO researcher, da da da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I know that, but I approach these more as psychic phenomena. You know what I mean? So I'm not being like, oh my god. Of course I don't think you think Ra was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, that's funny to think about. That's what it's supposed to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a Logos bro. It's a Logos brogos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, of course we're tapped into the logos, dude. The uhm, so what, wait, were you asking me? Oh, so when I was reading it, or whatever, listen to it, that's a good audible book too, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good one. I was listening to it on the plane too. But the, uh, so they're talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kinda like, yeaah, I'm not really sold on this. And they were like, well 6 dimensional, they were asking me how many 6 dimensional wanderers are there, blah blah blah. And they were like, I forget the number they said, it's pretty low, which you know, was unfortunate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously dude, cause they were like, how do you tell? They were like, typically they have problems fitting into this particular earth time vibration, and there's feelings of alienation, and I was like, check. What are you talking about? Everyone loves you. But dude, deep down inside, dude. I've felt alienated my whole life, dude. It's cause I'm a wanderer. Allergies? I was like, check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not so bad anymore. For a while, for my whole life, I was pretty lonely, yea. Really? Yea, I was lonely. Why were you lonely? I just wasn't connecting, dude. You didn't have pals? I had pals. I never felt that close connection. Yea. I had buds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then I had girls who I kinda hated that I dated for like, so you know, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had buds. Now I, now I make, now I hug all my friends. I was doing, people, when I started doing stand-up and people would hug me, like dudes, I'd kinda like be like, get off. Really? And now I'm kinda, I love it, now I have, I hugged my friend the other day and he was like, what the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I felt like a girl, like I literally hugged her, it was just like, the way I sat, my chin just went boom, right on her shoulder and I was like, oh Jesus Christ, that was, I was like, I gotta still relearn how to, I'm not a big hugger, I haven't traditionally been a big hugger. Then when I hug girls, I'm like, weird about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw this a lot in California, especially in Orange County, and I've seen it here a lot, typically in like rich areas. Older women who dress like, kinda like teenagers. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, that's been like bratty old rich ladies who dress like their daughters. Fucking me up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the new sauce, dude. Gettin' geezers? Like, geezers who dress like dysfunctional teens. Geezers who dress like they might get pulled onto The Mori Show at any minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised O'Connor didn't let the truckers go in front of him. I would've been like, thank you for your service, guys. True. Like, this nation would shut down without you guys in roughly three days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, that whole subreddit is dedicated to just hatin' on that podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, that's what I was talking about last week, how it's funny now that there's, that's a whole thing in of itself, like we're gonna meet every day, and just completely fucking try to tear this dude down. And you know, of course, the razzanum, but it's still like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking at that being like, I would like to think I'd be able to take that day in and day out. But I would bend to the mob. I'd be like, fucking, I'll, I'll do whatever you, stop making fun of me. Yes. I would bend to that mob dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's so funny. You check every day. I check Reddit. I don't check Reddit the same amount that I don't jerk off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if I fucked, if a girl was like, I'm coming, I'd be like, yeah, baby, get that out. I'd get into that.