[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. I have a topic up front. You gotta. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Broly, I was supposed to bring her to the dirt track in Mechanicsburg. That is home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were supposed to, we were going on a date. I was going to take her to this, the dirt track. It's a dirt track.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a dirt track? It's where you race cars. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's bleachers, there's an infield. It's actually kind of fucking- Sounds cool. It's awesome. What do you see? We gotta go sometime. Okay dude, I'll absolutely go. You can see the lights of it over the summer from my parents deck. It's that big? Backyard, it's nice. You can hear it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I was about to be a cunt to you. Why? Yeah, well they do have four wheels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was real excited about it because it's a great trip and it's a good date.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, yeah, that's, uh. It's fun. And then one of those guys fucking took a right. And died. Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, we didn't get to go to that because some fucking idiot died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we, we went on Friday to my parents' house, which was nice. She got to meet my fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was he nervous? Yeah, my family was nervous. I can tell. My family was real nervous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It went well, except at one point she got in an argument with my brother-in-law.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my, my Egyptian brother-in-law. We had a couple drinks. We were outside by the, by the fire outside. It was nice. And, uh, we're talking, my brother-in-law, he's kind of religious, but he's Egyptian and he's Coptic Christian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got cross tattoos on him, because in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Egypt, the Christians there have to get crosses tattooed on themselves so that when the, uh, when the Muslims come,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cut your fucking head off? Nah, they can't deny it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christians will have like a cross here and it's crazy shit, but he actually has one on his wrist. And then he gets an argument with my girlfriend about, she's into astrology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he go out of heart? He didn't go out of that heart, but when we, when it was just me and her, I was like, you know, his family had to leave Egypt because of religious astrology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the sands will take him. Fuck the Altoona curve. Whoa, whoa, whoa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's always a chance in Harrisburg. Yeah, I was going to say Harrisburg. Yeah. You actually probably, you probably got murdered out in city Island recently. Uh, I took, uh, I took my last girlfriend to Bryce Harper's debut as a Senator. Oh, nice. Fourth of July fireworks. Yeah. You're a double in his debut. Stud, dude. I hate him. What's that? That's better than a date at the death rate, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, hell yea, great phone call. Mako, thanks for calling in buddy. That's awesome dude. Fuck the Altoona Curve, shout out Harrisburg Senators, get your fucking dick sweat. City Island, what up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Uh, it was nice. It was like, uh, weddings are fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, bringing her out was fuckin' nice. 23, fat old ass. I was like, yo, fuckin' get out there, twerk in front of all my relatives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I've been watching it. I've been watching it. I watched the stepsister that was a nurse today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this, her friend, er, her stepbrother had a lump on his balls, and she was practicing, so she wanted to check it out. And she made him fucking coom all over the place. What do you mean practicing? That's a porn, dude. Practicing what? Practicing working on people's balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it, what? She's a doctor? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I'm not into that. I hate that. No, that's gross. That's the worst shit. It's gross. It's weird. It's better if you're a geezer, it's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, amazing that these women have made it this long. You know what I mean? Like if you're mature and doing porn...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy your body held up. That's not true. That's like the Brett Favre of sucking dicks. It's exercise. It's exercise. It's exercise? Yea, you gotta go up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not into the olders. I'll, I'll fucking watch a, I'll watch a fucking geezer take one on the chin every once in a while, but oh, here's a great story. Speaking of taking one on the chin, this is really funny. This happened earlier today. Uh, I was, this is a lot, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody that knows me, like, family-wise, turn off, as my sister watches this sometimes, so don't fucking keep watching this, turn this off. Uh, so this morning, I started FaceTiming with Baby Girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She hops right in the shower. We're facetiming. On fac- wait what? On facetime. Puts her fucking phone in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is with the young kids. Yeah, these kids are up. What's up? She FaceTimes me all the time. Eh, it's weird. And I'm, uh, f-f-f-from here, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phone. She just put up her phone. We're FaceTiming. She gets in the shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First time ever. First batch I've ever made. So then. Hopefully it's sweet. Then we're in the shower. She's in the shower and she's, you know, getting nuts. Yeah. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well at first it was, at first she wasn't doing anything sexual outside of just showering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean though, it wasn't like, and she was like talking to me and shit and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I can't, the shower, I can't hear a fucking thing you're saying, but this is great. And then, uh, so then things get heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just facetimed it with someone who cummed on my own face. Dude, that's first- Today. Earlier today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely. Yeah? Save up some. Okay. Just drip it out of you every fucking 10 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just chillin' with my baby lady right now. Oh, you got a baby lady. That means... Hell yea. Yeah, nice. What's going on? I'm fuckin' ringed up, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just so the viewer knows, a baby girl is any chick that's under 23 or no, 25. 25 or younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a baby girl. After that, you become a baby lady. This is 25. You're more into mature baby ladies. Maturbies. Maturbies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Chris, despite the way he looks, like Chris looks like a, he looks pretty well put together, normal person. He is a sack of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever try the apps? I tried the apps we talked about. I tried the apps for like 24 hours. That's it? Yea, I deleted them right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I hated it. I felt bad about it. I don't like it. Why'd you feel bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I talked to a couple of people, it was like pretty fresh off that breakup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me take this one. Let me try to handle this guy. Let me talk to this terrorist. Mike's back. Mike's back. Mike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go, dude. Can't be any worse. Give him 30 seconds. Fire away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, I was supposed to go, but me and, uh, Okani went out to the Michigan game instead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, he tried to fuck a guy for Notre Dame Michigan tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, last year was week 2, it was Notre Dame, Georgia. This year was week 1, Notre Dame, Michigan. You guys get all pickled in it? The year before it was Notre Dame, Texas. And you just walk around the... Yeaah, you can just get tickets right before the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got fucked up at a bar on Friday and Chris...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you do, dude? You went hard in the pain with this one? Yeah, well, uh. I look over. Hold on. Chris is wearing a button down all night. He's got his hair just like this. Everything's fine. Great hair. I look over. Thank you. I look over. Chris has got the little extra...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so we're moving on from that gay experience that Chris had to one more that I'd really like to bring up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, before we get into this, by the way, so far, I'm 3 for 3 on Notre Dame against the spread this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this has been the toughest one. I knew last week they were gonna fucking handle the shit against Wake. I knew the week before it was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Against Stanford at home at night, Notre Dame tends to fucking suck a dick against Stanford and just blow the game. This year's gonna be different. Take the Irish with the points. What's the spread? I think three.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so all of a sudden, I, we're just, you know, we did stand up together, he gets on stage and tells this fucking story, and I'm just, stay, I was like, next. Just like, what? What'd you fucking say, dude? So what, what, what happened here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always have. The RBs and RBs. It's a no reason boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, how about like every, every time you hear a story of like a mother that put their kids in the car and just let it roll into the lake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck, dude? I knew the story and it hurts to hear again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think of that kid? The kid's great. Alright. Why don't you keep your distance from that boy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't give a fuck. Uh. Hate promoting yourself. Next weekend, New Mexico and Arizona. No one cares. Uh, weekend after that, DC draft house. I don't know. What do you got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that'll never get old, that double knockout, that is a beautiful thing to see. Hi guys, happy Halloween. This is a fair one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't a slow start in the story, I don't know if you got out before the fucking sun went down. Hoo boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go shop to shop, storefront to storefront to get candy. It's fucking mayhem. You can't walk down the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just little Mexican kids running into hookah bars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then he gets really pickled around eight, nine, and then he gets belligerent, like super fucking angry drunk. Is this you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got fuckin' very, uh, tendencies, like, that are very controlling, and, uh, I'm about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how much hard it's gonna get? Like, you can't tweet, you can't fucking, you can't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's not, it's not, I don't have a fuck list and I'm like jagged and just in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I do one line and then I get immediately horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked it up, I was like, is this normal? And they're like, yea, it's for a certain population. It's all wiring, same thing with weed and any drug. But I'll do, like, if it's good, hoo boy, I can't eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like in a bar, they like, I went to the bathroom and they came like, Tommy, you alright? And I was just hammering off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And great question, both of yous. I'm horny after 20 minutes, always want more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude, if you put, if you put a one line or a cup full, I'm doin' it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's also, that's, I think that's a, the fact that you get more clear and like you're, you're aware of your surroundings. That's a good thing because a lot of times like when you do coke and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's about, it balances your system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw him go, alright, time for bed. And he scooped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how did you guys go to bed? I'm really curious. After doing a shit load of coke. You and Beezer. I walked home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like is it comfortable? Like you don't have to worry about like dirty shit stepping on old food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In like college, they said like if you want to get going in the morning and be successful, there's a trick to trick your mind if you put sneakers on or shoes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as you get up, even if you have nothing to do, it tells your body that you're ready to go and you get- Oh. You're less comfortable. So I take them off when I go home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright guys, thanks so much. Uh, let's go back to the couch. Thank you, LaMare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So before your tongue even thinks about making contact with this tree's pussy, you want to have a point of contact, half shoulder to hamstring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, what up Shane? What up Bull? Yo, what up Bull? What up dog? You gonna go see Shane Boy this weekend in Boston?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ever. Just, that's just not a good move. That's a major turnoff right there. Alright. So, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear about all this bad stuff in the news about the Russians? Yeaah! You know? Well, the other day, I met this beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyed Russian chick. Oh yea? Now I'm here to tell you about these Russians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very quiet start for Shane Gilley. I'm just sitting in this, letting these two fucking greasy wops punch themselves out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was walking to get a kebab and I was like, that was my exercise. No, my girlfriend and I have five years separated and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very sad, I lost. You know what really sucks? Cause I've been going on the bonfire a lot and shouting out my dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had this conversation. I knew this was going on. What do you mean, you told me? No, no, I mean about the dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same situation. Yeah, I knew, I knew she and I would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about visitation rights to the dog, anything there? Can't do it dude. That was like the last thing I said to her on the, well we broke up over the phone. Very gay. Do you have a very gay button?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a fucking loser. He wasn't a starter as a sophomore in high school at left tackle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, he did a couple sit-ups, but he actually probably put in some real hard work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now he thinks he's better than me because now he's getting pussy. And I'm up here alone, hanging out with fucking Jimmy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Harder than I normally do, yes. I've drank every day since. You've been smoking a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy is, without a doubt, one of the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ex-girlfriend did it for a minute, along those, like, she started lifting, or like working out, doing that crossfit, cause I forbid it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit it dude, hit it. Very true. Anyway, she broke my heart, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We broke up because she didn't want to move to New York, and uh, you know, that's that. I'm out here, like I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say the most psycho thing I told her was, I was like, I don't, like, I was like, you're gonna find a nice guy, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll both be watching me on television? Essentially. Did you say that? Not that, but I was like, he's gonna be a fucking fan of mine. Nice. And I was like, you fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, every- I'll get like two beers of me in the confidence. Yeah. Just through the roof. Yeah. I was sitting there, I was so sad, and I had two glasses of boxed wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tossed on some Drake. I was fucking, dude, I was like, yo, I'm the fucking best ever, dude. No one can stop me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that it, as far as the effects go? I know you, I noticed you guys fucked up the music. I mean it takes, it takes a little bit of time to do that. Really? You know, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was good. Last week, you should, you remember last, there was guitars flying through, there was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are your tweets like? It's like you're all fucking- I haven't tweeted. Oh, but dude. They, they give you- Fuck, I don't have my phone. Uh, I read a tweet today from Carolyn Busa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like one of the most aggressive tweets I've ever seen in my life. Were you? No. It was just, she wrote it as a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in light of me currently being extremely sensitive,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see this? Yes. My fucking gay dog is home, being fucking, fuck that dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I not play the song? No, no, no, I can't play the song, not because it's, uh, it's uncopied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, dude, speaking of that, I finally, cause this was a five year relationship, so I downloaded, uh, Tinder and Bumble. Cause I never


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, first of all, I'm very ashamed that I've done this. Absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not doing fucking ab work every day. The only way I can get pussy, the only way I can get pussy is if somebody sees me doing comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her mind is fucking blown then. You know what? Or we could kidnap her dog and give it the old switcheroo. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was good terms. She wanted to stay home, I wanted to live in New York. Neither of us wanted to compromise on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real, it was actually like a nice relationship that ended sad, but the best way possible. I think, unless she's fucking someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this one particularly, I don't think either of us really wanted it to end, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did, just because I didn't want to see it. That's a good move. Great move. Did you black out her eyes and all the pictures together? Yeah, I stayed up crying and fucking scribbling on them, but no, I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blocked her on social media, just cause I didn't want to see it, not cause I don't, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think we have a phone call, is that what you said? Yes, dude. It's a chick gonna come at you. No, it's not, it's definitely a dude that's gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, alright, yes, accountability for sure, but does it need to be co-ed accountability where you need to be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chances are you're gonna fuck somebody that does CrossFit with you at your gym. Probably. That's what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's hot chicks, cause the rest of the building is not for the show. Our show is one fucking office, but there's like hot chicks working with dudes. It's an odd dynamic. I don't think- I think women should stay home and not work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, have you ever had a job? Yes, I haven't had a job in a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I sold cars. A real job. After college I sold cars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, you know, your fucking workplace flirting? Yeah. It's a little- That's illegal now, by the way. It's awkward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did. And they were doing it there too. But they weren't hot. It was fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women do have jobs. It's a good woman job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, God fucking dammit. And everybody is okay with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For real, I wanted that guy to be like, why are you being a bitch? Why are you being a bitch right now? I'm trying to fucking tell you to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is anybody cool? What? Is Drexel Hill tough?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I keep running into that in New York. I'll be like, I'll have like six or seven Bud Lights. And then be like, this will be 20, 30 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is? A bumble. The chick will be like, oh, you're a comedian? Tell me something funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last five years, I have not worried about getting cozy at all. I've not...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking bitch, you broke my fucking heart, and I'm fucked now. Uh, I don't have cool clothes. I s- I know what your pictures are probably like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well it's psychotic. Like, taking a hot picture of yourself as a man sucks. Not of yourself. I could take a picture for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another thing about Tinder that I really fucking hate. He's trying to trick people into fucking you. Like when you take like, like so these


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's super, super chill. Yeah. I feel bad for you, man. You feel bad for me? I do. You pity me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, how are we doing out there? Thank you, thank you coach for having me. We are, uh, me and the boys are gonna be down there tonight, on Saturday night. We're gonna, we're gonna investigate, take a quick look, see if we can find out what the hell's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I think it's great for him to begin with, and he did it really well. He did, that's not, fuck, he would have loved to hear you say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Mary. Hello Mary Catherine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He played a tuba, gay guys don't play a tuba.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I only know content. No, tell the joke. Say the joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a fucking, uh, some sort of reptile squeezed the screen away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got guitar, he's got reptile hand, he's got, he's got it all dude. I see him churning right now trying to find a new graph.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And on the couch today, we got the motherfucking Beezer, dude. Hot ones. And the lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird because in our neighborhood I see a bunch of those, uh, what did you call me at the beginning of the show?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah, it's back in style, dude. It's been a rough 15 years for me of still rocking champion. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you tell a dad that he's wearing something cool, you might as well call him fucking gay. Exactly. And he's not. They're not, they're not even close to fucking listening to this show. Guys! Oh! You just hit us with the no look? Shaky start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was at this show called The Hideout in Boston and there was this couple sitting like kinda by themselves and I could tell they were fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, where the fuck are you guys from? Cause you can, you can see a foreigner. Yea, right. A white foreigner, pretty clearly. Yea. And it was, they were Irish. So I was like, where you guys from? You know how those...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a bad one. But yea, Boston was alright. I was in Boston this weekend. Gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adderald out for the first show which resulted in a catastrophic show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I was driving up to Boston from New York, the day of the show. In the morning, I took half an Adderall. Yo, shout out Beezer. That motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, chunk it up. Whole squad will fucking Adderall you out, dude. Hell yea. Uh, so anyway, I tried to take, I took half of one on the way to the show in the morning. Cause I know Adderall affects me pretty intensely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, so I was fine. It actually didn't affect me that much. I didn't eat all day. So, felt that. So then right before the show, I was like, I should fucking eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I went out to this. The show was right across the street from Fenway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's like a hot dog vendor on the street where I walked out and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go to this fucking hot dog stand, the guy asks for money, and I open my wallet, and I notice that I smashed the Adderall into like a powder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in the, it was in here. And for some reason I thought like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't want to waste it. Yeah, of course. So I fucking poured it in my hand and rockin' ate the crushed up pill. Before you- In front of this hot dog vendor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Beezer- Describe Nerdcoat. I was- I drank like- That's what it is! I drank like ten Bud Lights before this show. In quick succession. Yeah. And then got on stage and I was like, why can't I think? Yeah. I did think- I was like, oh, I'm fucked, I'm hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not, I'm fine, I can operate, but I'm shitfaced right now. Yeah, that happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, no, I did a half hour. I was like, what do you guys, what do you need me to do? They were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, this is gay right? No it's not. Everyone knows that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was told he was a fucking good dude, but he was always, uh, he was like fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I appreciate it man, thanks a lot. Alright, see you bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike, I saw a picture of you on the internet. Someone sent it. You look hot. You look like a hot lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He look, he look like he defends Batman villains. Now. In court. I saw his head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah. Well, I don't, not just that, just throughout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it became, yea, remember like, ETS, like groceries or whatever? Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like someone put peanut butter down there and I'm just a da- I'm just a dog, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What strains of bacteria have you had?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You pre-jacked on making fun of my wallet. No I didn't. You should have known that your wallet was in fact the wrong wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he reach around? No, no, no, he literally just took a swab, like a Q-tip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this, I've never really heard that. Yea, my bird. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he didn't, he wasn't, he didn't finger me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was when I was about to go to bootcamp. Hell yea. At army. Chest at you. You gave me a physical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that Croatian dude was like, yo, watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm four for four with picking Notre Dame against the spread this year. If you've listened to this show, it's pretty good against the spread. Andy at Virginia Tech this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need you to, I need you to, I need you to hone in your focus. Could you do me a favor back there and Google what the line is for Notre Dame Virginia Tech? Just while we're looking at this. I think it's Notre Dame should be favored by like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I have, I have called ND's last four games against the spread, and this week at Virginia Tech, unless it's something crazy, I would, this is a real tough one. Because it's at night at Virginia Tech, the place is going to be going nuts. Virginia Tech lost a fucking old Dominion earlier this year, which,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Dominion sucks. They've just started playing football like three years ago. Uh, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Endy wins that, that's... fuck, this is a tough one. I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with the Irish, and uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goddamn. You fucking heard it. I came out wrong, dude. Sounds wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm sticking with it. MD in the over, cause I think Virginia Tech comes out hot. They're gonna be fired up. Over 57. So they'll get some points.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Nebraska Corn Oscars, Notre Dame. Yeah. Read that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have it, you start watching Red Zone. And you start watching Red Zone. Red Zone's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah? Yeah, Trump's the best. Uh, we got a phone call. That guy's been hanging on for a while. Zach? Zach in Detroit. Okay!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just realized that this Heineken bottle, do that, huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically my aunt, she wrote a piece in the New York Times about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went to my high school, was friends with, was good friends with my family. She got like, some priests like made out with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because that's uh, again, no, we've covered this. You can go without having sex for a long time and there's not a part of you that's like, I should fuck one of these kids. Sure. I think it's just, if you're a pedophile, you're drawn to that, that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but there's- You alright with you? Yea, of course. You gave me a fucking look like I was inappropriate there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe they love kids and they're mistaking it for like, I really have a strong desire to coach these kids. You know what I mean? And it's like, eh, turns out I was just trying to fuck them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What draws them to being like, I should coach or teach or boy scouts or whatever. I bet that that is like their initial draw to it is like, I just love young people. I love being around young people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, uh, let's talk to Abby. Oh, Abby and I, Abby and I had a long discussion about pedophilia on her podcast, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna hear me try to be serious? Listen to that podcast. It's so, dude, any time I try to make a real point, I feel like such a fucking dweeb. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the next weekend, what's the next one? 13th and 15th. Tell them where you're gonna be this week. Nah, you gotta fucking give them a heads up so they can buy tickets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the DC Draft House, the 13th, 14th and 15th, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yes. But she would get fucking rocked in the UFC by a guy. Yeaah, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he calls, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. That's what he calls Lionel Messi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been talking for a while. It's been a while. You know, it's been a while. You know, because obviously you blow my phone calls. But I want to, you know. Here we go with the argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a great bit. It's a great bit. You gotta remember your crumbs. I'll remember my crumbs. It's all on you, Tommy, cause you have the most to count.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most- Well the most recent- So my dad is just a fuckin' high octane sack of shit. And uh, most- Still alive. Still alive, for sure. You know, in spirit, but not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, my, my uncle, uh, like kinda really liberally drops my name around New York City, too. Like, so all these young comics that I meet are be like, oh, you're, uh, so and so's nephew. And I'm like, no, he's my fucking uncle. Like, I've been doing this longer. It's, it's whatever. It's all like, it's, it's, it's ingrained with a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forgot his gun, went to the bar, stumbled like, kinda went, uuuh, remembered, went back to the fucking bathroom, it was gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happened, uh, a couple years ago. I mean, it's very searchable. I, I found it on the New York Post, uh, just when my uncle sent me this interview, cause I was like, he's like, look, this guy proved it. And I just sent him back the article. I'm like, yeah, I know that guy. Like, I used to hear him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's like whatever, like we were fine and I even like helped him out in the beginning and told him like what mics to do and all this stuff and he'd hit me up and ask me like wildly ridiculous questions that, you know, it just, he had no business asking because he's two weeks into comedy and it's like, it was not your career. If you want to do this, you got to get good and then maybe we can talk, but it doesn't even seem like you're in it for the right reasons. You're just like, you're talking about making money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, it's pretty funny, like, you know, the people from my wife's family are like so wildly supportive, all of the direct contact people, but then we have the big events like a baby shower or something and some of the peripheral family comes in. And I've known all these people since I was 10 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of them, but they don't really grasp what it is we do. Right. So like the first, we're telling people at like New Year's or Christmas that we're having a kid. It's super early, but we're excited. We're telling her family and one of her aunts comes up to me and she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we went like, I think we went like six years without talking at one point. And then like, it would be off and on, we'd talk, it'd go up again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom and I are not at that point. She like found out I was smoking weed, kicked me out of the house, the whole thing. I had nowhere to live for the summer. My dad was like, find a place to live. And I'm like, like you're my dad, I gotta live with you. And he was like, he almost wouldn't let me. My older sister had to step in to like kind of remind him that I'm still his kid. You know, I should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so that was when it like, that's when it really blew up when I was living at that house and like, you know, she was, it was, but while she was, while I was living there, she would like constantly offer my dad wine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I really sprinted out of the gate, trashing myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've never felt like, like I had a, I had an okay set and kind of sunk into it and didn't fight it, but like I felt like I was physically being held down. It was fucking bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. Yeah, it looks good. Looks like you're pop. Yeah, you look like a college basketball coach or something. He looks like that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah, we got deep. Yeaah, we got deep. Shitty dads. Shitty dads, mostly. And my uncle doing stand-up. Oh, his uncle's doing- Oh no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one good thing about having a kid is like I can actually like call out for two weeks of like, oh I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna go and audition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, eventually, I assume, unless he dies. He's gotta earn it though, right? Oh, he's gotta earn it, good. What can he do to earn it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, there's a couple things, so I wasn't aware of this, but there's a couple things my dad told my older sister about growing up and the abuses that he experienced that he would never do to like his kids. And I am like four for four on the list. That he did to me. Never did it to my sister. He said the way, I never knew this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, September 20th, I'm doing the punchline, uh, two shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, Mike Feeney, my podcast co-host, is, uh, is opening, so that'll be great. And then, uh, you know, I know you guys got a big Portland, Maine contingency. So August 25th, I got a door deal at the Empire Theater and I am, uh, I just really need friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, come out to that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not a lot, so it'll be pretty brutal if nobody comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost like positive that I was going to die at like 23 to 25 in that window. Yeah. I mean, that's when like all my friends started dying and then, and I lived past that and I still kept thinking I was going to die young, but now I kind of, this is like the first time I want to live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of my mentality. I thrive scaring myself. Like I like putting myself in uncomfortable situations, both on hallucinogens, edibles, like anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I've had sex with plenty of other people, she's had sex with plenty of other people. She's broke up? We've taken breaks, yeaah. Okay. But I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I wouldn't want to be anybody's only penis, that would be horrifying. But, uh, that many 19 years of sex is like, I for sure have given like hundreds of poor performances. Hundreds? Hundreds, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Uh, we haven't had sex that much during the pregnancy, cause I'm a fucking dummy and went to Aruba to do gigs, and uh- For the pregnancy? No, during it. So- Oh, exposed to Zika? Exposed to Zika, so, you know, I had to wear a condom and I wore it like twice. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like amateur public place, but it's really hard to find a really real one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, grow up. But I don't want to watch somebody else go through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Plaza. Shout out Vince Lombardi Service Plaza. That's our fucking shit. And, uh, went in there, one half of the bathroom was closed for maintenance. So now it's just a packed house. If you've ever been to a Jersey rest stop, it's pretty much fucking Calcutta.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a fucking- A hammer. Slee- Just a dong fell out, dude. Just an elephant trunk. Haven't seen a dick that big in years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got that, uh, dumb, would die for his country look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] P&G? P&G? I know P&G. Fuck yea. Damn, he even responds like he's in fuckin' bootcamp. He's like, where do you work? He's like, Procter & Gamble! Hell yea, man, that's sick. And you went to Michigan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole different world. So are we though. That fucking always happens when Notre Dame beats a team, in like one week they're like, well if they played today that team would beat them. Everyone just fucking hates Notre Dame. Suck our dicks dude, we're undefeated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. This week No Name's on a buy, so all of you that have been fucking making tons of money off me being fucking seven for seven this year, against the spread, you can suck my dick. You been doing gambling picks? Dude, I picked No Name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No name pit this weekend. No name was favored by 21 points. I said take pit. They're definitely, they're definitely coming. And take the under. Boom. Easy. Easy money. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't bet. Cause I'm Catholic. Yeaah. It's against my religion. Sorry. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A junkie? He was a little fat for a junkie. And he was also like, he just seemed like a tired dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was fun. Big rest stop. We got two fucking bits out of it. That was tight. Guy with big dick, sleeping fucking old dude. Yea, but we're all jealous of yours. The big dick? Yea. So happy you said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Corner of my eye I could tell that it was the biggest dick I've seen in years. Years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they, I think in football you kinda, a lot of guys don't wear cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Played defense event. Yeah, that's a tough spot, not that we're caught. You're hit every, every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was also a whiteout. We had a whiteout that had a huuuge fucking dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing yoga, it had to be like the last 3-4 years, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine, mine's that. You're talking about like a parking cone. Parking cone, but then it fattens up again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that we were talking about seeing your dick at the wrong time, I've been sleeping, I sleep naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now that I'm thinking of this girl that I'm with now, I sleep naked. And she's definitely had to have caught me at some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 95%. What about the change of season? Love it, sleeping cold naked. Hell yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horsin' around on this network when it comes to respectin' women. You're the fair one, we don't fuck with that shit. We love bitches, and we don't fight, we're not gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every three days. And you drive Uber on mushrooms, right? Lyft, yea. He drives Lyft, he takes mushrooms and then he drives people around. Don't do that, you're gonna ruin his business. Oh, it's alright. I think it's sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see it, right? You didn't always have this. He's just tearing out of his face. You and Matt have that podcast together. And within the last, like, I'd say three months, you've started tearing up during every podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had like four beers. Probably like, eh, probably like ten. But I was like, drunk enough to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of a sudden shit got different and then I watched, uh, Soder's Macho Man Impression. Oh, that's so funny. For an hour and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. That's hilarious. That's my one shrooms experience. Nothing crazy, just watch that. It all mixes with alcohol. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like uhm, yeaah, I should give you something, it's good. You can just fucking put it on food and eat shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you this, I was driving back from Baltimore this Sunday with Soder and I took a fucking hit of his vape pen


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And spent, I was like, this will be nice, we're listening to music, the weekend's done. Just one hit. I was like, this will be nice, this is great, we're driving at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just stood there with his dick out and was like, look, there he is. Hands in his pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he stood in it, and uh, look again, hands in pockets. Hands in pockets. That's where all that comes coming from, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that's cum? It's gotta be bleach from the wash. It's probably a little bit. No. You think that's jizz? You think my dad jizzed his jeans? Bleach from his watch would be all throughout his jeans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way my dad's beaten off. Barely, Danny, dude. Shane, your dad is- 63 year old dad does not beat off. 63 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're still gonna fucking hammer off. Yeah, you won't beat off. I've already killed my family. 63? Yes, dude. You're not jerkin' off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, rip the commercial. I have a question. So you stop getting hard but you can still jizz?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finish it up, dude. Close it. Or did you already close? Yeah, we closed it. It's closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bet DSI, guys. Yo, Bet DSI is the shit. First time in Michigan, Bet DSI. Hell yea. It's a good name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's, he's nuts. He's fucking batshit. But he's, you like a lot of his ideas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, I'm saying, we lived together. Oh, you're thinking you're gonna catch me? I never caught you. I think we were pretty open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the release valve, I didn't know you could, you could. Tom didn't know you could unscrew the back, so Tom was just pressurized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt's a loud Cromer. Oh dude. Like if he, that's one thing I definitely heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're hitting a minimum of fucking 21 knots a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna die in whatever that- You have a set number of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but either way, no matter, like, let's use somebody who's dead. Abraham Lincoln.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times do you think he chromed? Not enough. But he hit a set number of chromes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? So get back to your, uh. Well, I mean, technically everybody has a finite number of crumbs. Just like you have a finite number of breaths and steps you take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so technically that's right. Yes. Until you die, you can come. Yeah, but no matter what, there is a certain number of comes that you will have that Allah has allotted us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think your dad- I'm not upset, I just- It's crazy, right? It's mind-blown. This is a moment. I never even thought of my dad jerking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have a little chat. Yeah, you gotta ask him about that. Call him right now and put him on speaker and be like, you fucking come here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would, now that you're bringing this up, I would like to say this to our lady viewers. Have an answer ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Have a fucking answer right there. True. There's been so many times where I'm about to fucking crumb hard and I'm like, yo, where the fuck do you want me to crumb, bitch? And then she's like, uh, uh, I don't know, that's, I already crumbed. Yep. Three second delay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, you say we have a phone call? Who is it? We've had a couple on there, I don't know if you guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I think we should discuss this. This isn't just one person's decision. Yeah, drop em in. Send em in, dude. Alright, take em. Take em in. Yeah, I'll take em. This one's on me if the guy says the n-word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is this animal? Who are you? Speak. You're on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is it? It's Mike from Manhattan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. And it's his, like, three or four friends that are in a basement. You mean all his roommates? And they're like, we should call in. Like, that's why, this is what they said last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta send him through. I think there needs to be a vote. Yea dude. On the phone calls. Tom, yay and nay on phone calls. Fucking hard nay dawg. Hard nay, I vote yay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike from Manhattan, stop by the stress factory. Have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was so- I didn't care. I was like, yeaah, yeaah. I was like, alright, this isn't bad, but then that started to happen. Steve and you started throwing each other's items out of the back door. How fucking great. Like, fucking, that was crazy. Yeaah. That was really crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that sucked. No, it didn't. It was funny. It was funny. And then Steve starts smashing these glasses of Tommy's and he just smashes them in the backyard because you threw ice cream in the backyard. Right. And then he's smashing them but not mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was Steve's emotionless destruction. This comes on the heels of the night before. Him explaining to us how he killed a fucking possum. Our roommate showed us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You saw the pictures? Yes! The pictures are horrific, dude. They actually bothered me. Cause the possum's with the thing in his neck like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steve suck a fucking piece of metal through this drowned possum's neck and was like, I had to kill it. You didn't have to do that, dude. It's fucked up. No, that's what I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't torture an animal for the fucking tomatoes. He tried to be like a man about it, like he wants to be like a fucking hunter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did going into that. Steve's very dasa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. But, and you also do people a lot of favors. Yea dog. There it is. There it is. Yea I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a phone call from Michigan. Already? Zach, from Michigan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going to get a couple pair, I'm going to get two pairs of dungarees from Sears. And then, uh, I'll probably, I'll probably buy my dad a Notre Dame coaches polo and then steal it from him. I treat myself every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Torian Folson, no, he graduated, uh, two, two years ago, last year, two years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the old repeat the question, who, who do I, who do I like? Oh dude, that reminds me, who did Notre Dame win their last national championship off of?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I care what they say. No, I agree. Everybody shits on Notre Dame, that's what happens. So, you know, that's what happens when you're the best. Everybody shits on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I-I give you a pass. A lot of people don't like this shirt I'm wearing. A lot of people shit on this. Shirt's great. It happens when you're high fashion. It's for- also it's Slazinger. Look at this, dude. Slazinger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just on the bonfire with Dan Soder and Big Jay Okerson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still doing bad at it, like before this show, before bonfire, I took one hit of a fucking joint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, immediately, I sit down, there's lights and shit, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I guess SiriusXM's gonna start filming, or Comedy Central's gonna film some of the shows or whatever. Oh nice. But being in there high was a horrible mistake, and then those two start talking, cause they're used to it, they can handle it. They're just flying back and forth, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They both, they both can handle weed and they're fine with it. Like they'll smoke before they do something. If I took one hit before this show, I sat down and I was like, oh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just right away, I was like, god dammit dude, I'm fucking fat and ugly, this is on the camera. God dammit. Yo, shout out Alex Jones, free Alex Jones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right away, and I was like, yo, this old, this fucking gay dude I know watched child born, fuck you. I just, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] CCD is when you public school kids that are learning about- I went to CCD at first too, and then I went to Catholic school. You see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is, and I bet a lot of people would look at that brochure and be like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. You look good man. Hell yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 14. Hell yea. How about an open mic'er pussy? You finger any open mic'ers yet? You make any female comics uncomfortable?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's ready to... Play the Stone Cold music every time he walks in, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Hell yea dude. His phone calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got graphics. We should have had that open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You see that? Guess the fucking guitar just flew through here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I drove Uber. They didn't touch my license plate, dude. Yeah, I drove Uber and then I quit immediately because that job fucking sucks dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but no, I drove over and which basically just entailed me driving around picking up Asians from the art museum and dropping them off at the Arriba de Bell. Wait, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's all you do. And then you get a fucking nickel and you sit there for an hour until five more Asians hop in your Corolla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably five Asian kids, cause I lived by Penn. You got an Asian too. It was all Asians, dude. I was at University City, so it was Penn and Drexel. And it was all Asian kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it. I get it. I don't get it. Why are ours else? Like five of these kids hop in my car and they're speaking Korean and then I was like, I was like, you guys go to Drexel? I was trying to make small talk with these rich foreigners and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. How long was it? A week? I drove Uber for like one week and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Callback on perks. This is, uh... Emily, what's his name from, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike from Manhattan, is that his name? Can't believe he hasn't called in to give us another pep talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this. Bam. Case closed. Case closed. Shut it. We just cummed. Close the laptop. That's what computers are for. You cum, and then you close it. I leave it open. Yeah? You keep the board running?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fucking, the mainstream, the mainstream media is forcing stepsister porn down our throats. It's not gonna happen to me. But no, it happened to me. I'm pretty into it. Is that your go-to? I, eh, yeah. Siblings fucking. I mean, I don't, I don't, sometimes it's just called that, but yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, mom and dad's gone, I know you've been looking at me, and he's like, maybe we shouldn't, we're brother and sister. And the girl's like, we're just fucking, you're just my stepbrother, it's not a big deal. And then she blows him, and I'm like, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna say, dude, you're a sleazy motherfucker, but also you're pretty young, dude. You got raped. How old?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have the coolest high school parties here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's very progressive of you guys. Yeah, dude. I hope the Catholic Church gets on board. Are you still a Catholic man? No, he's just... Uhm, I'm just... Yeah, I'm Catholic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About what? Catholicism? Anything, dude. When's the last time you did it? Church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was that, uh, what was that episode where Captain Kirk beamed down and then he, uh, he ate out that burn victim?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I touched your penis and you didn't jump, that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a John Nunn pick. Of Matt McCusker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No more of that. In fact, I knew that was, I knew that was gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was up there for a while. So he called it before the medicine ball story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you at uh, were you at Skankfest? I was not. Oh really? No. Oh fuck, I guess I saw you on Thursday and it all just blended together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part of Skankfest was, uh, at the end they did that goddamn comedy jam. I wasn't there when Louis was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did a god damn comedy jam at the end. Bill Burr came out, played the drums. It was fucking great. Everybody came up at the end and we all sang a song. It was so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a bunch of different comics singing a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was- Those guys are fucking workers. It was crazy, that lineup was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And especially because I was just coming from Clusterfest where... It's complete antithesis. What was the dichotomy of that? It was like industry and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh... Yea, who was the crowd out there for that? They were comedy fans, but it was, uh, yea, it was... I don't know, I mean, it's tough not to like, shit on it. But... The nerds. Pretty millennium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool influencers, and then you go to Clusterfest and it's fucking juggalos and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was another thing me and Soda just talked about today. It was like, you didn't hear one comic at Skankfest be like, did you see so-and-so's set? They fucking bombed. Like, there was no shit talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, Skankfest was just, uh, fuckin', Tony Hinchcliffe sang like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, dude, that shit's fucking too funny. There's, there's that, and then there's uh, Lincoln Park, sung by animals. Two great, two great hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna, and also it's, the thing that bothers me the most is these like Brooklyn chicks doing Brooklyn shows and they're like I don't, like Louis is a workplace hazard. It's like you're never gonna fucking run into him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's actually Mechanicsburg where I'm from. 20 miles west of Harrisburg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, unfortunately I'm not gonna make the, uh, Comedians of the Compound show on Friday. Uh, I double booked that, so I will not be there, but July 12th and 13th you can come to the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple weeks ago, uh, during the Anthony Kumia show, he called in, and Garrett, who, uh, is the daytime hog,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we do not have, uh, home fries. We do not, we have no plugs. For system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No lie, this game is actually, the graphics are pretty fucking awesome. And then the other one is called Pilgrim's Progress, which is straight up Catholic propaganda where you go around and, uh, pray like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think I look good? I tell you why. You gotta shine. You gotta shine about ya. Cause you're just a little bit older.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dad's birthday was yesterday. So happy birthday Shane. Did you guys know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found out when he walked in, hell yea dude. Yea. Thought about hating on that dego cake that you guys got sitting on that counter, rotten away. Yea, we even s-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, they sell it in cardboard and they sit it on the shelf like toilet paper. That fucking dego cake. Yeah, why is it called a dego cake? Well, it's an Italian style cake. Wap cake. It's a wap cake. It's a fucking old wap cake. That's how I got my hair like this, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you sit it out on the counter for 39 years. How old are you, baguette?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have to elaborate, but I'll fill in the important blanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're missing the most important part of all this. What's that? You're getting representation. No, no, no, no. Oh, can't talk about it. Definitely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the danger. Is, uh, you get a little warm in the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Skin touches, and the penis, yea. A lot of blood down there, and you just go, fuck it, I'm just gonna roll it. You know, that's probably what you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I get a screen grab of him raising his eyebrows? Just GIF it for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also somebody's, my girl actually, I'm sorry to cut you off, talked me into doing this, uh, doing ecstasy the same night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some dude just gave you fuckin' some pet tranquilizer and was like, you deal with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all the same shit, you just- That's cool you took ecstasy that much. Yeah man, that's why I'm different. I should have been taller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, but lots of like, uh, going to like shit. Remember Shampoo? That club in Philly? Sure, yeaah. Like dance, it was like a fucking... So many good names. Yeaah, I'm like 5 years, 6 years older than you. I'm a girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, made a lot of mistakes on ecstasy. Lots of mistakes. Probably the most. Cocaine gets me hot for like 45 minutes. But ecstasy, man, that rides for 3-4 hours. How you doing, Tom? You good? Oh man, I'm great. I'm playing some ecstasy right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That motherfucker's got the best drug stories. I can't tell if he's a brilliant writer and his imagination...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You couldn't come up with the shit. I think he did live those stories. You know when he talks about like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, doing ketamine and, I think he was like a heroin addict bike messenger for years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't even see you doing it. I've had a dark year. This year was my worst year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In very simplistic terms, I lost, I lost the show that I thought we were gonna go to air. Got it, got it. I stopped doing stand up because I thought the show was gonna go to air and then I lost my brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's not a whore, she's a regular nice looking girl. Oh my god, how'd that happen? Thought, you know, getting naked for some strange fat pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would catapult her to the fuckin' Maxim magazine. What a dumb twat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't blame her because she's just, she wanted to, she probably just looks at me and thinks of me and smells me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, ecstasy. Is she doing more?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's great. That's great. Let me just talk about it. Eddie Smith posted that he was, he wanted to go to the, uh, the military, but he got, he got injured in a football game, which kept him out of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being a recruit for like the army or something. Instead of getting drafted and going that route, he became a stand up comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think stand- are you doing stand-up again? I just started, like, booking ins- I mean, I would do it, like, once every two, three months, but, like, not, not the way you should do it. That's not how you should do comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's different. I never understood this because like if you could do it the first like four or five years, you could jump in and out, but then you lose touch of like what you give a fuck about. And I was trying to tell Shane this, it's like you, you don't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like a long, it's an arduous process for the first time in me going, alright, you're going to bomb for, for a while. So you just have to like, you have to eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever done that room? Tough room. I'll say that's a very tough room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wouldn't know where they live either. It's a real dumb crowd. Super dumb crowd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's almost like uhm, it's like the stress factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Jersey, how it's like a mix of everything, as long as you don't cover anything strongly politically, you can just, they're just, they're animals, they're fucking animals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got ripped on like, uh, I think I did, I did like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe an eight ball in a, in a hotel room with two girls. A weekend I was featuring at Helium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I slept one hour before the first two shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Lewandowski called me out and he was like, dude, you all right? And I was like, yeah, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like fighting and boxing and like game day shit, you can't blow a load. You gotta, you gotta keep up all that energy. It's a big show, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To speak it out in a fluent manner that is like this happened this happened this happened. So I broke up with her and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She always wanted to go to LA. My brother had previously moved to, uh, Seattle. And, uh, we became closer than ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he was never that kid that could leave town. So when he left town, he was always, he would call me every day. And then all of a sudden...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I broke with my ex, she was like, hey, I'm thinking about going cross country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah, you absolutely should do that. And she's like, well, do you think I can scoot up to, I'm going to go up to Seattle. I can stay with your brother when I'm up there and then come back down to LA and Portland and all that stuff. I was like, yeah, absolutely. Let me just make sure it's cool with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, yeah, no problem. And he didn't, there was not like, it wasn't even a thought. I was like, yeah, of course, as long as he wants, there wasn't any sexual tension. There wasn't anything weird there. And I'm like, it's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, it's, you guys got drunk, she was lonely, she went to fuck, it was a one time thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, he's been around her for years to the point where you should lose that sexual adrenaline where it's like, that's just my sister.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that's, that's weird to think like you could fuck a best friend's buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you've known for a long time. There should be a switch they're going, ew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to think I'm getting better with age, and I think I've lessened the weight on my heart and mind a little bit with him. I don't give a fuck about her, to be honest. I really don't. It was never about her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're losing, you're losing a best friend and a brother. And that really fucked me up. And the thought process is, you're, he, it was premeditated. He knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? So he knew that if he makes a phone call and tells me and it took him three months to dodge my calls. So we talked for every day for months and months and months and then years before that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, then he lied to me again on the phone saying it's, it's off. It was just a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A thing that, uh, too, like you, like the bullshit you just said, that Viceland dogshit, that you were like two lonely people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, that's like a, he, he had, he had a choice to say, here's my brother of, of the last 38 years, the closest human being in my life who's gotten me out of all these other, which I won't even get into, or fuck a hot retard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He chose, he chose a woman over, over his family. And now he, he fucked up the diner. My mother just texted me today for the first time about Christmas. She's like, I can't wait to see you for the holiday. I'm like, well, what's Fredo doing? You know, what's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If one of you guys did something so disrespectful that I was like, you know what? Cool. I would just never have to talk to you again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sadly enough, I started thinking like, I don't even think 5, 10 years. I think like 20, 30 years. I think like funerals. I think like burying my parents. I have this vision of like being next to the casket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how the family comes through and they're like, they pay their respects and they say, you know, sorry to like the family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like whatever one of my parents dies and then they're going down the line and I'm just like, you know, like three to the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My ex, and she tries to say sorry and I'm like, get out of my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like that's how deep- I'm already- I am already all the way down the road here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, and I'm like, uhm, I know she wants a baby. And I think that's why the pressure came on. She wants to have a child, and he's dumb enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get off kilter like in the hesitancy of pulling a trigger and it was like upward. That's why you're never supposed to go through the mouth like here. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a, it's tough to pull the trigger and it pulls out and then you just blow off the front canal. You still live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is, uh, this is my therapy. This is a good episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't mean to be too immature or like, uh, petty about it, but like my father is really close to Brian and he acted like it was like no big deal. He's like, yeah, you didn't want to. It's a big deal. Isn't that what you do with women? And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, yeah, you date him for a long time and then you just, you know, you break off. Isn't that what you do? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I literally, that was the last time I talked to my father, for the most part. How long ago was that? Eight months. Jesus Christ. Seven, eight months? Yeah. So this Christmas, I just gotta fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Years ago, this is probably 2004, and we took this mountain trip, and it was me and my girl, and him and his girl. Both. Fuck that girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he literally had a bag of like 30 and we were up this mountain house. I have a picture of like me staring out to the lake at like 6 in the morning, but he would, every like 30 minutes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd have to chalk up like a, like a prisoner walking down his, his weeks and months in prison.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd put a mark on the, on the, on the fridge of how many pills you had. What? So we'd start playing cards and drinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're with women that we've been with for years, so it wasn't like, you weren't like hard up and like, this is like, let's dance and fuck. It wasn't weird. It was just like, we're just hanging out a good time. And you chalk up a pill and then like five hours later, the girls are sleeping and Brian and I are up and I would just be watching whatever, a spider on the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but... I heard the rookies have to, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Senior year dude in like a navy uniform, like dude, you're a fucking douchebag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, I remember, it still sits with me every single time I roll my jeans. McCusker's voice goes, can you imagine purposefully rolling your pants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like four country bumpkins in a fight in their mom's basement that just rips the n-word here every now and then. But there's a couple, we get a couple. You just can't tell. And there's no 30 second delay. Cause these kids have like 30 year delay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're all fucking, they're waterheads. Just, uh, you know. Well, thanks for watching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Putting a silencer on because my landlord doesn't like when it's loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a wonderful kid and he's just taken a turn for, uh, you know, selfish reasons. I used to clean up after him and now I'm just over that. So now there's a, it's a, it's tough to live. I'm fucking 39 years old. I live with two grown men and you're going through your own shit. Everything starts to build on each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can't use the controller, we can't do anything else, and I don't have a television in my room, so now I just gotta sit here and mock him and bully him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I don't like how, dude, I don't like how even keeled you are right now. You're not usually this, this in the fucking pocket. I kinda like it too though, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. You never know what the fuck's gonna happen. Literally, the best part of the show is 10 seconds before we start, I look at Shane while he's giggling and dipping. Give him a fuck, I go, dude, seriously. Seriously. I like lay down, like, what are we gonna talk about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's part of the ju- I think that's the- that's always what we want to do. It's just talking about fucking nothing. Yeah. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's kind of the, with the good good thing. It's like, you don't know what we do. Like, we don't talk politics. We don't get in this dog shit like that. We just want to fuck around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Don't do that. Right now? Yeah, why not? It's tough. It's late.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's, it's time squared on the holidays. It's gonna be fuckin' mayhem. That's the, that's the fuckin' OG. It's Wednesday night at nine o'clock. We're good. You know how many midwestern fuckin' mud cuts are gonna be runnin' through the fat lady turtleneck store in Macy's? Dude, are you kiddin'? Goodness. What would you, what would you have me do? Would I recommend? Yeah. I don't know, maybe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get an Uber, we'll share it. You split the ride and we'll go to Gap on fucking Steinway. I don't wanna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He sits straight and the whole time I think he has to tell me. I already know that he gets uncomfortable the whole time he has to tell me how uncomfortable he is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah. That's a nice cut, but- This one? Yeah, that's a nice- Isn't it you? I know it is. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a nice, it's a nice cut. I told you as soon as I saw him, I'm like, that's a nice cut. That guy went to school for it. He fucking, he, uh, he disappointed his parents and went to, to cutting school. Dad did it on his own. Who's dad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're bringing no energy change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If something doesn't happen, it's gonna happen in two weeks. No one's gonna fucking know. No one's fact checking the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked to Mckeever about this a while. He, he whole watched porn for like 20 minutes and like teased his dick. I'm like, what are you, what are you doing? I'm a 30 second out. I'm a real quick shooter. Oh, it's the 30 second? These jerk-offs? Just the beat-offs. Yeah. I fuck like a champ, but I, in and out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like, uh, you know how they have these ads, the cartoon ads, like where it's like Marge Simpson getting fucking wrecked in the corner?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's after you've been worked up for a while and I just, I locked eyes on Lois Griffin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess it's like a, there's a mental process where you're like, yeah, I'm gonna, I'm horny. You know? When you're horny, do you get hard?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm talking about chicken or the egg. I'm not walking around trying to get my dick unhard. I'm saying I think about jerking off and I think I'm horny. There's something stimulating within my presence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But at the side, like, you know, I want to jerk off. I have high anxiety. I feel good about myself. Wow. Whack-a-mole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. This is my first glass of, uh, of juice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My libido or whatever the fuck. I've always been like, high power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Player from the 80s. So when I'm like 65, I'll be a regular guy where I'm like, I can only fuck once a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about other, I'm sorry, uh, longest jerk-off? Longest jerk-off? No, I mean longest time without jerking off. I don't know. That's like 10 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna keep up this role of being honest. I got caught beating off at, uh, North Pole. Uh, in Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they're, they're unisex bathrooms, they're individual stalls. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I, I think I got sent like a, like a nude or something, something like trigger, and I was like, ah, I'm gonna, I don't know, she's gonna go piss, and I was like, holy shit, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beaten off. Seats down. I have fuckin' toilet paper on top of the seat. And the door opens. I locked it. But she went through the lock. And I'm looking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at my phone, she walks in, uhm, I'm going at it. And she went, oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like slam the door and... Oh my god. Yea, I didn't sleep for... That kept me up for like two nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I dropped the phone and then I was like, oh my god. Who are you with? Huh? Who are you with? I'm not bringing other people into this, it's just me and my testicles, Tom. By yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, now we're upstairs, it's two floors, it's like a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the first time I beat off. I was like 5th grade. John Revy. I don't know if you know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't get ex- just knowing there's gonna be a tea time with- with four fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stress Factory in, uhm, Connecticut. Bristol. Nice. On Thursday. Headline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was called Bristol, Connecticut. Oh, Bristol, Connecticut, I'm sorry. Hey, you fuck. You're right. Guys, this was wonderful. Thanks for having me. Was it? I thought so. I had a good time. Nice. I hope I, you know- No way I should do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucked up, I have no words you said. It's alright, it's alright, trust me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Like your video and trying to call in a couple of hours ago and couldn't happen?


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[Assistant] You told me you needed a free dinner. How was that last game though?


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[Assistant] The firefighters worked tirelessly to tackle the blaze that engulfed an entire three-story townhome in West Philadelphia. The family of four was safe thanks to the efforts of one firefighter, Shane McGillis. Shane, you fought this fire for three hours.


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[Assistant] We have an unnamed source claiming you may in fact be a white supremacist.


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[Assistant] This is about whether or not you were fit to be fighting fire the night after a bender. There was no b- I was not on a b- Breaking news, folks. Was a local conservative firefighter too intoxicated to be doing his job? There's nothing- there's no brakes. There's no brakes. We now have Shane's best friend Barry on the line. Ah, Jesus Christ, they got Barry?


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[Assistant] At 2 15 a.m. Escorts! Escorts in my area!


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[Assistant] Excuse me sir, are you aware that this man is a known racist? That's not true.


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[Assistant] We're getting word right now that Fire Chief Brian Connolly


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[Assistant] We'll be here shortly to have a press conference about this racist firefighter.


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[Assistant] You hungry? All these flames make me in the mood for Mexican.


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[Assistant] I butt all these buttons and I just like pushing them and it's, you know, it gets exciting sometimes, so I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] Uh, if you guys didn't know, Jimmy hasn't been showing up because he got into a play.


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[Assistant] That's where the hot boxing goes down. We put her in the middle, and then we just kinda like fart back, it's like ping pong.


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[Assistant] We were 20 friends and we all took a ton of drugs and fuck it. It was insane.


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[Assistant] They have a few things. They have, uh, these like M16 looking, uh, laser tag guns. They have archery tag. They have, uhm, tons of other shit too, you know? So, uh, I would recommend it. It was a ton of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My house was like, middle of the road, but then over time, I think as my parents did better, we upgraded it, cause it's like, at first, no pool, but then eventually- We got a pool? We used to have above ground pool, but Malafrinas, we didn't really use the pool.


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[Assistant] The one time I had to do an audition, I had to do my act, and this was like a three year in act, so it made me in front of like three people, and they were just sitting there quietly listening, and that was- You did your act, you did stand up?


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[Assistant] You said, you said a fun racial slur. It was a great time. No, what racial slur? Heebs. Do you remember the one? No. Heebs is not a racial slur. No, remember what I texted you? Please don't say it. I didn't say the n-word. No, you didn't say the n-word. Alright, well then I'm fine.


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[Assistant] Good one. I'm sorry. June 7th, if you're in Bethlehem, Steel Sacks, I'll be opening for Nick Capallo. Come out. I feel like your audience...


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[Assistant] I think people should do jobs like fix computers dressed like you're doing other jobs. Like just do a job dressed like another job. Like I'm fixing a computer but I'm dressed as a plumber.


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[Assistant] Just gun holsters to a, to a Amazon package, like a Amazon factory shit, just gun holsters.


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[Assistant] How long were y'all with y'all ladies before y'all got married? I'm asking cause I don't, I'm at that point where I shouldn't be proposing. You're thinking about marriage? I should be, I should be proposing. More than I'm thinking about marriage.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's going on eight years. Oh yea, you might as well. You mean kids? No, no kids though.


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[Assistant] I don't know what swim is, but I think from context clues it's like a new place you talk about


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[Assistant] Yea, do you fuck with that Nate? I do, I do. I think we should try to get funding on it.


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[Assistant] Not eat at all. Okay, I don't know what this was. I thought you were saying a whole different thing.


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[Assistant] He did choose the perfect food for that statement though, like there is no nutrition.


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[Assistant] This is still the, uh, the funeral thing. Yeah. Yeah. You're building stuff.


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[Assistant] Now, do the better one. Wawa down here in Philly. Sheets is central and western PA. Philly and eastern PA is Wawa. Oh wow. Yeah. Well, it's also North Carolina. Rednecks are claiming it is their own. Well, Rednecks are Sheets.


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[Assistant] Uh, his best friend Steve. They were like, well we all got together, it was all the same idea, it was like, he loved hanging out there, we have to put his ashes there, there's no, there's no question about that.


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[Assistant] We mixed it all together and duct taped it. Made a pipe bomb basically. In what? Like what do you mix it? Uh, metal coffee tin.


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[Assistant] We took a Folgers can and then duct taped it all tight together.


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[Assistant] And then just shot it with a gun. 20 spark. Well yeaah, we had, I mean.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of guns at that farm. So everyone brought out their AR-15s and we got, we just start, uh, if we have a video of it. I mean, everyone.


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[Assistant] There was like 40, there was 40 people there. So that's Raleigh, the owner of the farm.


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[Assistant] That's him lining up the Tannerite down the bottom of the hill.


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[Assistant] They, they also Airbnb rooms out so people want to have like farming excursions from the city.


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[Assistant] And as, and as they're arguing and everyone's looking out the window, our friends CJ and Magic walk out with shotguns and just start firing at the branch of the tree. It falls and they shoot it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, it was a good one. The Chinese were very- If you guys were- About to go back to China and that's- people are like, how is America? And you're like, it's all true. Why would they choose- Yeah, they love guns. They use them for everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well we shot, I mean there was multiple cans and multiple shooters. Oh, so you beat him up? Yeah, we were all in the grassy knoll shooting, taking shots. Did you hit? Uh, I didn't do that one. I was just firing at a target.


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[Assistant] So I was always going to South Carolina with my family. We would go to Hilton Head. Yeaah. So we'd be driving from fucking Pennsylvania. You wouldn't do Myrtle Beach? You wouldn't get trashy? I went to Myrtle Beach recently, a couple times, and I do like it, but no, I was young. Did you do the Shithole Club? Uh, yes. Yea, were you in Fibana? Yea, I did. No, no, I did. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] Sit around, oh yeaah. All those, all those like, in water bars.


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[Assistant] It is hell, man. All of Ocean City, Maryland is garbage. It's like we're so close to, which is a nice gay beach, but Rehoboth.


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[Assistant] Uh, but his sisters were cool with it, so. They gave us, they gave us a good chunk of the ashes and then we, after the farm we went back to Philly and we dumped, we had like a big group ride with like 80 people. And we dumped ashes in different parts of Philly he liked and then we threw his bike into the Schuylkill. Man, you got really polluted. Romantic, man.


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[Assistant] I mean, people flew in from all over, it was, it was great. Yeah, that crew looks, it was pretty sick. Yeah, like 30 cats.


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[Assistant] At the farm, it was about 40, and then... Did you see the pig? No, but I know. And then it was, I think there was another 80, in addition to that 40, at the group ride in Philly. How, who was this guy?


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[Assistant] He was, uh, a messenger. He was- Oh, it was you guys, it was bike messengers. Yeah, yeah. It was a messenger bike. Oh, those dirty boys. You guys are crustiest motherfuckers. God damn. But messengers from San Francisco, LA, Canada.


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[Assistant] Uh, Boston all got together. People you haven't seen in years. Man.


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[Assistant] And then they come in. They're kinda like the dancers before the team comes out.


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[Assistant] It's very smart. We got more Asians. You do, definitely. We've even bumped higher. We have more everything.


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[Assistant] Was it two rehab kids? Sure, eventually it did. Two crazy rehab kids?


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[Assistant] Obviously, I'm not gonna go fuckin' dance with her mom. Yeah, was anyone dancin'? Yeah, they were dancin', they were dorks. They had no shame. That's a macarena dance there, bud. Yeah, it was... It's sober macarena, really.


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[Assistant] I've been a guy with lawnmower. Tannerite lawnmower. Why is this so legal?


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[Assistant] Wait, was that Wayne County PA? Is that what that said? Not that it matters.


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[Assistant] I've never seen... She probably looks like the lady who got attacked by a chimp.


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[Assistant] She was young too, right? Like thirties. I'm not sure, but she did get mauled by a champ. Yeah. Cause she was feeding wine in Xanax too. Oh, that was the whole thing.


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[Assistant] They built up a tolerance. Like bike messengers.


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[Assistant] Then the chimps, they'll go for like your fingers and your nose and your balls. Yea, they're fucking nuts. They get you.


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[Assistant] What about the Hotel Royale? Hotel Royale?


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[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, anytime I see Ridley Scott's production thing at the beginning of a movie, I'm like, this is what we're talking about. That bird, the guy that runs and turns into a bird?


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[Assistant] Walking down the street, that was pretty sick. Is she aging? I, I, I meant she's ageless. She looked good. Neve just stays Neve. Blonde hair?


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[Assistant] How fucking bad was that? It was The Rock Does Die Hard. The Rock is the fu- I hate that motherfucker. Was there an airplane there? I hate The Rock. Who do you hate more, Wahlberg or The Rock? They're both 4am workout guys. I know, that 4am workout shit bothers me. I'm only still up.


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[Assistant] Rock, have you seen his posts about cheat days? No. He lays out like a giant plate of cookies and like all this shit. Sushi train his role and then he makes a 10 paragraph Instagram post. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'll be in Tampa tomorrow to celebrate this man's career. Safety? Yea.