[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Navy does well because they run the triple option. Now they suck this year. Didn't army beat navy? Army's beat navy the last...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's pretty cool, and army's better than navy, navy's gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Lingo from me and the other troop in the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then? And then it's just like, I'm gonna sleep in. And then when you break up, they have to quit going to that gym? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. Really? Yea, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this one wasn't the, my last breakup. I've been broken up with this girl that I'm with right now. Like we break up every three weeks, but the girl before that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like a six year relationship we broke up. Yeah, that's huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's something I'm grappling with right now. I have a lot of people in my ear saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. That's so exciting, right? Yea, of course I'm gonna put up with a lot of dumb shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at this fucking posture, look at you. Love it. You're feeling comfortable. I feel good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did a show on gas that's about, uh, this relationship show and they ask you to tell f**k up. But I never heard that story. That's f**king wild. Tell it here. These guys, these guys, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is great, and I asked for it, but I got, last night I was with a comic who told me he's only ever worn a condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's never not worn a condom. Never not worn a condom. That's crazy. Ever. And when he said this. How was it? I was like. Also that doesn't matter. I shouldn't have asked that question. Odin, oh too old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You spent a hundred bucks on Bud Light? Yea, eighty dollars, cause I think, yea. Plus, twenty dollar tip. Love the troops. But, uh, the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he told me he never didn't use a condom, so I was like, are you gay? So I figured it was like an AIDS thing. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was very effeminate. He got super offended. He did. Yea, and I was like, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yes, motherfuckers, definitely. For sure. Yea. But anyway. Who is gay? Yea, when I tell you who it is, you're gonna laugh. But, I don't know if he's gay. He's gay. Say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop saying toys, that's fucking weird. Why? Calling them toys makes me uncomfortable. Why? That's the category in porn. Yeaah, but you don't fucking like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking crazy. That's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Billy's a, first off, Billy, and I've told you this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then we chilled for a while and I was like, Billy's sick as fuck. Billy's the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then the more you find out about it, I think you find out Billy, are you a little autistic you think? No, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and break this to you. Break this, a little bit. I'm gonna break the news to you. You're something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sick. Hell yea. It's fuckin' sick. Billy's fuckin' sick. Thank you. Anytime me and Billy chill, it's fuckin'... Okay, Billy. It's great. And this is the first time we hung out!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Tommy starts a theory, I'm just like, I know it's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, cause you're fun to be around. I don't think like crazy thoughts. I'm not like, I'm not like, I'm not like murderous. I know, but like you also, you're, I would say you just don't have emotions, but you do have emotions. Yeah, strongly. You're like the fucking man to hang out with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Frank's great, he's definitely not. He's the one who, uh, Yea, yea, that's him. Yea, he's the mother, he's the man, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have a great night, Frank, and a happy holidays, and fucking DM me. I'll fucking... Fuck em'. Frank's the best. Yeah. Frank fucking... I'm not gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know anybody, but let's just say, Frank fucking hooked it up. So Frank's the fucking man. Yeah. Oh shit. Yeah, Frank's the fucking dog dude. Frank. Yeah, he's the dog. What did he do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you took a little ecstasy last week, now I'm already onto H, dude. H is sick. You guys ever do H? I've never- you've done E before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Tommy J Pope. He knows. He'll fucking hit you up. Frankie. Frankie's the bull, dude. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually ended up having one of the worst nights I've had in a very long time. That's not true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leaning up to it was the best. Uh, I gotta fight, gotta fight with this chick. Yeaah, beat the shit out of her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took ecstasy. Yes. Had one of the best nights of my life. Never took it. It was so great. This is the first time you've done ecstasy. First time I've really done it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's at Comedy Club. Yeaah, one night. Yeaah, I was, I'm trying to, yeaah. Don't be a dickhead. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, you know, I've done like Molly before. That was, I was like already shit-faced and... You didn't really feel it. Anytime I've done like hard drugs, I'm usually hammered. This, this time I took exclusively...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, just eh, it's a nice time, everything's great. And then these fucking dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You told me some false information about the girl I was with. Okay. Possible. No it wasn't. But I'm glad you said that. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, it was false? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, uh, it was false. But at the time I was high as shit and I was like, this has gotta be real. While you were on Ecstasy? Yes. You were pissed off on Ecstasy? Yeah, it was a real negative experience. Wow, that's brutal. It went from really, really great


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While you were, while you were on the come down. On the, the next day, I didn't sleep that night, had a show in Baltimore, and just ate it. Damn. Just ate it, just standing up there, just like, I don't even want to fucking be, I was telling the crowd, I was like, fuck you guys, I don't even want to be here, I took ecstasy last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they weren't happy about it. And then, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's lame, I'm sorry about it. Man, it sucked because it was like, uh, it was real divisive for the relationship. Like, that was like a hard- Yeah. Cause then I was like, is this the one that you're in now or the one- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, this was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We broke, we actually broke up, the listeners don't know this. We broke up on Friday and we're back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listeners, I know you were worried about it. We're back. You guys didn't even know that we broke up, but it was a hard one. This was the worst breakup yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They said they saw her at a bar, at a fucking open mic. They said they saw her at an open mic. With a dude. Really? With a dude. Doing comedy would be a fucking- At an open- no. No. They thought-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They saw her at an open mic. With another open mic'er. Yes. That.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, she would have had to have left work, she worked that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have gone. Yeah, she would have to take the train after work. Yes. To a different, like a pretty far out part. A suburb. Very far out of her way to do this. A suburb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then she would have to try to cheat on me at a open mic. Where, yes. And so, that obviously didn't make sense. No, but when you, but when a dude tells you that, you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was pretty fun. I'm gonna do it again. Only person on E. I took access E and went and saw my friend do stand up on a Thursday night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he does this. He's like, I smoke weed occasionally. I've also done coke for a threesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Bank both of them? Yes. Was this on Halloween? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have I ever done coke and had a threesome? No. If I have, if I do coke, I can't fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get whiskey dick like crazy. Really? Yeah. Like right now I wouldn't be able to get hard from six. I'll get Coke too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, counters. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think a lot every day that I don't get hard when I'm shit faced. So that you don't make a mistake? A lot of mistakes. It's a really good point. Yea, it's a nice fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for real. Yeah, cause when I'm fucked up, I'm like, yeah, ain't he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is compound media, if you don't like it, you better shove it up your ass. This is white guys takin' over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In his defense, I didn't tell him. Yeah, no, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I didn't, I didn't tell him, so if either of you two psychopaths are watching this, he didn't know. No, I'm just happy to hang out. Yeaah, sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you bring up the lyrics to Hello, Good Night Moon? So I can read Good Night Moon real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is nice. We gotta wait. We gotta wait it out again. She'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of boys out there listening to this that need to go to bed. Yeaah, it's gonna be Bonzo. That's true. Bonzo's coming up. A lot of hard, rock hard dudes that probably come in the first, probably coming in the first three. Not ropes though. Not ropes. There's a couple guys that launch ropes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. And don't go to bed yet, love. I think it's too early. We just need a little time to ourselves. And don't go to bed yet, love. I think it's too early. Are you sure this is the book? If my wall clock tells me it's four in the morning, give it hell. Is this the kids book? Good Night Moon? They say hell on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, she's got a point. Good point. She just woke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you tell me how long, I'll call you next time on the Stairmaster. You just tell me how long, tell me to keep going?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In December 21st in Philadelphia. Philly Comedy Club, come to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, it was uh, it was pretty brutal up there. Can you confirm this is you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a great start. Yeah. Joe fucking rocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I've been told. That shit sucks. No it doesn't. Everybody always says to take a fucking quick nap, like a fifteen to twenty minute nap. That sucks. Yeaah. I need like five hours. Yeaah. I need a solid sleep. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I've been tired. This is the first time I've been back in old gay New York in a week. Yea. I haven't slept in a while. It sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to fucking travel, I was down in New Mexico and Phoenix this weekend, and I got a cold start to finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it went away when we... How were the shows? Shows were great, except I had a fucking... cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's so funny to complain about doing stand-up. You know what I mean? Other people? Like it was like so hard. It's so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My job is I talk for 20 minutes. What was the crowd like? 9pm. They were great. Oh guys. They were all great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I found out what gout was, and then what the symptoms were, I was like, oh boy, I got gout barreling down the fucking pike. It's like red meat and alcohol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He really reminds me of Jimmy. Jimmy who? Remember that guy that used to come to this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, no I'm not, the way he talks. You talk like a young Jimmy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cadence, pitch, the way he's explaining weird shit. I bet he's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, dude, fuck you. This is your worst one. Hang up. Or, yeah. He's done, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck yourself. That was the saddest mic was. Is he on the ticker that you could- Nah, you can't see it. I had no idea that was him. There's something wrong with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He came in swinging a Burke right away, he never even fucking met this guy. That's a strategy. It's a weak man's strategy. Me and him are boys, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, big. Fucked Virginia Tech's butts up. Worse than that fucking Cho Kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a horrible shooting reference I just made. Uh, I feel awkward I shouldn't have done that. Why don't you explain it? Uh, you remember when Virginia Tech got shot up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you've been fucking following along, I think I'm six for six now, ND against the spread. Oh boy. Wow. Who's up next? I got pit this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? You know what? You're actually, absolutely right. Always gives him trouble. Eight of the last ten have been within one possession. So, I think the spread's like fucking twenty. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pitt with the spread. I think ND wins, but Pitt, Pitt covers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a shithole of a weekend. And now, now I'm here and- We're coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crazy. Yeah, we had a nice backyard. We had, our gay roommate Steve had a fucking garden going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't support, you don't support FDNY? I fucking do. I do. You just said they were all fake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've been working on this, this is a new stand-up bit, and it's been fucking killing everywhere I've been going. I say, hey, you guys, do you guys like impressions? And then they say yeah, and I say...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys wanna hear Allah on 9-10? Calling Osama bin Laden?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh fuck, I didn't even tell you about Maryland last night. No, I didn't. Last night I did a show in Maryland that, again, I totally forgot about until like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My schedule is so fucking dumb. I forget I fucking book things. I was booked tonight at Stand Up New York. During this show. Didn't go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever hate whoever you're sitting with? Everybody. This dude gets on, he's a little chubby fucking douche. With a hair bun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was chubby, he was short. Chubby dudes never get along when they see- Chubby dudes never get along. Fuck you. Look, this chubby dude, and he was listening to the fucking Barstool Sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, uh, it was like south of Baltimore, like a real fucking, anyway, it was a private gig, it was a private gig, so I showed up and it was, uh, it was like fucking 20 contractors, just having their fucking monthly meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was these, literally, it was like 25 random fucking dudes. All wearing polos with like, they're different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Contracting companies. And uhm, they were all like 45 to 60 year old white dudes. Hated, hated comedy. Really hated to laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I brought O'Connor. I brought O'Conny, one of our former guests. He went first. And before we went on, the one dude was like, hey, just so you know, there's some women here. Make sure you keep it clean. That's how white dress, this is the fucking part of Maryland it was. They had southern accents. Uh, they booked it through a comedy club. From the request? Yeah, from the Goobies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Virginia Tech like Blacksburg and fucking Roanoke and like along the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those mountains, you get some, anyway after the show this dude threatened to lynch Chris.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's my move, dude. If I'm bombing, I'm just like, yea, but he sucks worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like such a fucking pussy when I got in there. I was like, oh man, you guys are pretty tough. I'm a fucking fat pussy. Was that like a VFW? Like what's a- What's a- It was essentially a VFW. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The room was like, still well lit, you just stood at the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No stage, just tables, yeaah. It was fucking, it was one of the worst shows imaginable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the boys, yeah, I mean they all had money, they were just a bunch of rich hicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how they got me, but. Or they just call a local. They probably called the comedy club and were like, give us the closest thing you have to Larry the Cable Guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, yeah. Damn. I'll fucking, I'll support Trump in front of those boys. Trump's number one, dude. 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're really doing it. Where'd you stay? I drove back to Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I went Phoenix to New York, slept for like an hour, went from New York to Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Slept there the night before, drove down to Maryland, back to Philly last night. Drove from fucking Philly to New York today at like 6pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got in it, like literally drove from four to six, it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been horrible. Oh, welcome. Nothing but traffic the whole way here, got home, jerked off, slept for 15 minutes, now I'm here fucking killing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First off, the guy was not at the fucking show. There was 20 dudes there and they're all fucking... They would never call in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't that be great? I think everybody agrees it'd be great if Tommy finished this show, a little fuckin' Bert Kreischer tribute, you just pop that thing off, look at that hair. You're Jack, dude, do it, you look good. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, just imagine fucking Tommy and then jizzing on that hair. It takes a while to get out. You hit yourself in the chest sometimes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm just cracking one off quick, it's usually not a great launch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's a nice build up, people are excited about me coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyone know what I'm talking about? Yea, if you have an audience. Like if you're getting, if you're fucking, that helps. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, like having sex versus just jerking off. Yeah. Pre-nap cumming? Yeah. Not a great lunch. No. Sexual intercourse? Yeah. E-Jack? Yeah. Now we're talking full flight fucking jizz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, deserts. Add that to the list of gay things. Deserts are gay. So is the fucking Southwest. Fuck you guys. They like turquoise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was Friday, was Santa Ana casino. Lots of engines, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would put their fucking babies in that and sleep at night. Look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me go, they saw my hair, they were like, that's, we'll let him live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for stand-up, stand-up was fine, but just being in there is depressing as fu-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Wait, no, no, wait, what? What do you mean what? I mean using condoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what you should do. I did that the first time. I did that the first time this beautiful woman and I had sexual intercourse. She's a sweet baby. She's a very sweet baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking spiked on her. I did hit her with it, which was pretty funny. Within the condom, like a fucking bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you double your cum? Well our friends at my dad are making this boss line. Go read the fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole family took my niece to play laser tag and it was fun as fuck. It was really, it was really fun. I didn't know they still do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Shout out Sports Emporium. I also fingered a girl there. Hell yea. Different trip. That was when I was younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, we got it. Yeah, fingering in the fuck, I was wearing a blue vest, she was wearing an orange one, I was like, fucking get down dude. I'll save you from our enemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We go inside to play laser tag, and then when we get in, in the blacklight, we're in like a semi-circle around this kid, you know, it's a teenager, giving the instructions, and then, uh, my sister, I hear my sister be like, Jesus Christ, Phil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we look down and my dad's fucking dungarees in the blacklight is just riddled. Riddled with stains. Like all crotch cum stains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, dude. Yeah. Wait. That's real, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you see his hands going into his pockets. That's a good spray. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, he defended himself with like some sad, like, pancreatic cancer, uh, not pancreatic, what's the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the common cancer? Prostate cancer. He tried to make some lame excuse about having prostate cancer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I'm really betraying my father right now, but uh, it's pretty funny, and yeaah, he's definitely not gonna see this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then went right back to like, god damn it. So is it the rocket ship that we shoot or the satellite? The kid was like, Jesus mister, you gotta wash those pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I always thought it was funny to imagine my dad eating pussy ass up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To listener right now, I want you to think of your own, your own old man. You know how every once in a while you eat pussy with your butt in the air?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys got, you guys got beads. Huh? You got beads instead of doors? No, there's, there's doors, but there's no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No more fucking hot dogs and macaroni. Yeah. Huh? That's what I'll do to my future wife. Nice. Fair one's getting nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the little puffies up top. I kinda fuckin' hate the way your brother and his friends look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck all four of those guys, cause they're, they're hot guys. How old are they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think any of them would give us trouble? You think me and Tommy could beat up the entire band?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please fucking hang out with me, cause I'm stuck with fucking Tom and Steve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're playing Hold'em. We got former guest, Abby Rosenquist. Former guest, gay, uh, also gay, uhm, what's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Gay guest. Ian Fydance. Oh yeaah. Yeaah. And, uh, it'll be fun. We're gonna play some poker. We gotta get a table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's really frustrating is, like we used to play in Philly a lot, and like people, there's people that don't know how to fucking play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck Ian got involved? I definitely didn't invite him. Dude, that's gonna suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the last thing you want is my fucking parents to find out we're out here boozing. We fucking busted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tom drinks before- I can't really get fucked up before shows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Late in that fucker, I was drunk. It was, you were- At the time I got on stage, I was fucking shitfaced. The best. And it was in Harrisburg, and it was a show I ran. So it was all just my friends and family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad and mom and they invited friends. They like fucking sat in the front row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here's another bit, I'm tossing out all my great stand up bits today. Tossed out Mohammed already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna get so much pussy for doing this? Thank you. That's a lot, by the way. Uhm, the bit, the, the closer I did, still, still doing it. Still doing that closer. Oh, you are? I still do that joke. It's a great joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not a story, it's a fuckin', uh, it's just a, just a simple would you rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so anyway, get on stage. At this point I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty close to blacked out and my dad's in the front row. I get on stage and I'm like, everyone's wondering what you're doing. You do stand up, you're like, I'm like five seconds ahead of what I'm saying, like thought wise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This time I was behind it. It's like I started telling the beginning of this joke and then I was like, oh fuck. Shouldn't be doing this with my dad and parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're friends here. But anyways, I looked at my father dead in his eyes. I said, what would you rather do? Would you rather get shot in the head or 69 with your dad? And I heard my mom, she just goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad was like, fucking shoot me in the head. I was like, everybody wants to be tough, till that gun comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, I didn't talk to him for a few days and then he called me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call me the next day when me and Tommy got back to Philly. And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I call him back and he's like, why do you gotta, uh, you're talking about cum and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fucking love that dude. He's a great man. Phil Gillis. Shout out Phil. You're a fucking legend. Uh, yeah, now we did it. Now we can fucking crumb out of here, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta open it. Who's opening it? Cause I remember you mentioned me, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend I'll be at the D.C. Draft House. Ooh, that's a good place. It is. And then, uh, yeaah, with Soder. And then Sunday I'll be at Magoobies in Timonium, Maryland. So Thursday, Friday, Saturday I'll be at the D.C. Draft House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sunday, albeit McGoobers. And then, uh. It's a crowd like it's on Sunday there. Sunday at McGoobies? I don't know if I've ever done a Sunday there. I've done a Thursday there. Always a crap shoot. Thursdays can be fucking rough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When Magoobies is full, it's really good. Like a big fuckin' theater. Have you seen Magoobies? Yea, I did Magoobies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can also suck ass, because it's big, so when it's empty it hurts. But, I love Magoobies, Magoobies is a great club. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That owner's a fucking maniac. Great dude. Psychopath. That's probably my favorite. Love him. That's probably my favorite comedy owner. Yeaah, he's great. Club owner. His name is Andrew Unger. Great fucking dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on, uh. You know how like I hate towers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you guys like, go fucking nuts and knock down those towers? I'll get you guys fucking laid forever if you do that. You guys like pussy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you guys are on a cave right now. In a cave, dude. Do you guys like getting pussy? Go fucking nuts on an airplane for me. Oh fuck, you guys are actually doing it? You guys are crazy!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you guys like fucking drive a truck through a crowd? Oh fuck, you guys are doing it. Oh, that's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, every, given the choice, everyone in IT would dress like a 13 year old anime black kid. Given, dude, given no punishment whatsoever. Yea, there's zero chance they're not walking in with that. Graphic button down. The coolest, like, most oval sunglasses ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But somewhere they'll still have that Naruto band, that headband.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do you, you guys ever run into elevator repair guys before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Culture, I guess, that needs to be explored. The elevator repair guys. They all look like they have like a lifelong injury on their head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all completely disheveled and like greasy. They're like, I'm sure there's going to be like a comment like, Oh, actually I'm a elevator repair guy. You're fucking gay, but let me, let me pre counter that and say you're gay dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if you haven't run into an elevator repair guy, just, you know, keep an eye out for one. And when you see one go, whoa, that is a pretty fucked up guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you think guy, when you, whenever you see a guy that's coming home from work on the bus and he's wearing his like warehouse worker weightlifting belt, aren't you like, damn, that's pretty cool. That's a cool belt. That's pretty, that guy must do a really strong job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say, I would, you know what I would say? I'd be wearing mine, I'd be like, yea mine already has gone holsters, and then I would point to the sleeves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't it seem like it should be the opposite? Like if I have a secret gun, whose business is that? Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you were super focused on, uh, like building a life, you know? Yeah. Like you can fast track a family if you're focused on it. Oh yeah. I was just trying to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah. I'm happy for you guys. Yeaah, so in conclusion, yeaah, you actually, when you see, you ever see like a married gay guy come out and he's got children with his wife? Yeaah. Those guys aren't really gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I see a guy has, when I, when I see that a guy has procreated and formed a child, I know in my heart he's not gay. And when they're like, actually I'm a homosexual, I'm like, yeah, right. You wish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotta go. Wow. It's been fun. See you later. Gotta roll. It's been great building a life with you, but I need to get bottomed out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually felt bad even knowing the number. I was like, alright man, this is, this is, I'm gay now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you'll party with your classmates at community college at all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So one time my uncle had me fix a laptop for him and it contained a CD-ROM that I inserted into a computer. I wasn't all willy nilly about this. I knew that this could have some questionable material on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I pull up the, I pop up the CD-ROM and on it, the only contents are like a site rip of a forum. I can't remember what it was called. It might've had the word Babylon in it and it might've been yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was a forum where dudes were sharing the methods for like making crystal meth and shit like that. And he just had, yeah. So he had a folder on a CD. Was it baby bees? What was it? Baby bees. Yes. It was baby bees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had the widest above ground pool I ever saw as a child. I think he was a dealer. I think he sold myth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my mind, the protocol for finding someone else's child porn is that you have to go, like you can't even like stop for like nachos on the way to the FBI. You have to go straight to them. If you dilly dally at all, they're going to go, alright buddy, what's going on with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that, that was like the greatest fear in my IT career. It was like when I, okay, so you would identify like a real dirt guy. Yeah. And you'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy who, uh, oh I almost just said his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was a guy who would call us for very, very trivial problems and he was an attorney so he could afford to have like our junior guys come and just fix bullshit for him all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was trying to, he was trying to poach a young boy. So he was getting 20 year old IT boys. Something like that. There's a word, there's a word for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was trying to get us in his office, and then you'd accidentally see like, photo, like, oh sorry I left that open, you can close that, and it'd be like a picture of like a white dude sucking his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Are you guys looking up something chicken hockey? Yeah. Man, I saw you guys start talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know. Well he could disappear if they don't. I do think that there are some retarded people where if they find out they're retarded it creates a paradox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I almost want you to deliver the rest of this story as though it was being wrapped by common.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I wish someone here played video games, but like, maybe it's the Changa, but I'm just imagining Black Metal Gear Solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's probably embarrassed about living in a quarter way house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had that for like six months one time. We had a second TV downstairs, and I got to hook my Super Nintendo up to it, and I think it was very unpopular with my fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I traded a copy of Resident Evil 2 for a Saturn. Dude, Saturns are sick. That's my ultimate come up, dude. What was Saturn? That was the Sega, that was a couple Segas after the Genesis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The end of Sega? No, the Dreamcast was the end of Sega. Yo, but you know my problem with the Genesis was all the bass sounded so farty in every song. All the bass lines in every, and I'm a huge artist for video game music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the sports games were like double the height with that yellow tab on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got an RPG. I mean, if this was first person and you were just like a guy walking to different meetings and then like delivering speeches, that might be interesting as well. If you were one guy in first person trying to start the Holocaust, there would have to be some interesting game mechanics in place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's why it already looks really gay, is cause that's how much they've figured out. They're still discovering new gay shit to do in fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have to penetrate him to win or did you win and were rewarded with penetrating? You caught one in the bum, you lost. Yeaah. That's free pegs. Yeaah. Basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first step to designing the still suit from Dune. You just wear a suit that reabsorbs your moisture all day and then I think it just camel backs it back into your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely not. Well, until they, until Breathe Arianism has its own pop tarts. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I do gotta give it up for black people in tax shelters. They're doing it bigger than anybody else. No one else is having fun with tax shelters like black people are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as I completed a portrait of mormon people in my head as just basically using their daughters as girlfriend farms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so what was the rest of his, what was the rest of Group B, aka Heaven? What was the rest of his people? They were working and sending money to him. Was he taking any of their kids back to Group A? Like, hey, Heaven sent a couple back. Nope, they came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, uh, I have a little item to talk about, or where are we at Danny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 51. Okay. So I watched a video, a guy claims he knows who DB Cooper was. Uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reason that it's significant that someone knows who he is, is in 1971 he robs a bank and he gets on an airplane with a suitcase full of money and he leaves Portland, Oregon and jumps out of the plane. And they never find him. They never find him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he point breaks in real life and this was in 71 and I remember as a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People being fascinated with the story of DB Cooper. And it was like, they never found out who he was. There was no clue. Like they had like a, an artist rendition of him and there was just nothing on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to this day they still, I guess either they don't know anything or they say they don't know anything. And so I was watching a YouTube video by, uh, from an MMA fighter named Chael Sonnen and the title of the video was, I know who DB Cooper was or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy is known to tell a tall tale. This guy, but he's also a very compelling storyteller. So this could be true. This could be false, but he claims to have direct knowledge of who he was. And I think I've even met him. You've met D.B. Cooper. This was Chael Somerset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he says that if you go back, I didn't, I didn't have time to look. This is the last thing I watched before I left the house today. If you go back and watch like, or read interviews, like the airline employees who saw him said that the police sketches were way off. The police sketches show I think a white guy with a mustache and aviators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So, uh, they say that that wasn't even close to what he was. And the, if I think if you ask them, they would, they would have said it was a native American guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, okay, so here are a couple of the theories. The guy jumps out of the plane, he jumps out of the plane with a parachute. They say he either died in the forest in the Pacific Northwest because it was impossible to survive in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they write off him hitting the ground. So he either had to be like extracted, like had a ride waiting for him or something and he had to go to like a foreign country or something like that. They said that most likely he probably hit the ground and just died within a couple of days or something like that. But not if he was Native American.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the rainforest, I guess. Anyway, it was a Native American guy and he actually had a good time in the woods because that's where he fucking partied and did all of his cool shit as a youngster. And apparently he died in Arizona two years ago. If we're to believe the word of Chael P. Sonnen. I believe it. Shut up. He's never told a lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. The guy, you have to believe him. Alright. Yeaah. So that was my cool thing I wanted to tell you guys about, but I think I had a lot more enthusiasm for DB Cooper as a child than you guys did. I never heard about that. I was like, wait a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, there's a, uh, what's that place you like? Sheets? There's sheets there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how, this is how I want people to carry me through the streets of Philadelphia. Hell yea dude. Hell yea. Old mommers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's so great. Do you remember when we tried to do that, like when McKeever winged me with that football? No. Yeah, we were shooting up at ESPN and they were like, Oh, we'll just do one where you're holding a clipboard. McKeever was supposed to throw a light. It was a full on spiral to my face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I was wondering, uh, for Andrew, uh, but the Zoloft...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True Classic has something for everyone on your list. They have long options for the tall guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's an easy idea to spread a little more joy this holiday season. Our frames for everyone. Named the number one best digital picture frame by Wirecom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does dad have those nasty nose hairs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last night we were walking from the train station. Yo, shout out Adidas. We're sponsored now by Adidas. Uh, we were walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, how about that? Uh, we were walking from the train last night and I noticed an old Tombo here has a weird limp. It's not a weird limp, it might- He tried to hide it too, cause Tom's a very cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My putty's dead. You know that overcoat with the hoodie underneath it? Yeaah. And then you're fucking limping through Queens? That's a rough look.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's deciding he wants to play quarterback. This is one of the funniest fucking thing. This, I watched the Eagles Cowboys game over at Big J's house and we're sitting there and it's such, it was one of the most non...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Athlete. You know, did you play sports growing up? Baseball. Regardless. 13. Oh yea, I gave him hell. I gave him hell. That's a no, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like sports, so you understand it. I love sports. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Big Jay, obviously...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He loves sports, but he told me that in high school, his senior year, he decided to try out for football. High school. High school fucking football, and was like, let's play quarterback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just went up to the coach. Walked out to the coach. Went through two-a-days, by the way. He went through two-a-days. And then at the end of it, he was like, I'll be the quarterback. And they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Statue of Liberty! Imagine the fucking gull to just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just, we're watching an NFL game and these guys who never played football are sitting there like, you think you could get three yards on that play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They still think that. Dude, you couldn't take the hand off. Yeaah. That's hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, what up bees? Yo, shout out Beezer on the couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have one. You're hired, dude. Uh, but then he gets, he gets talking about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, there has to be one, one kid you think's hot, and he's like, there's a girl. And I was like, what grade? Seventh. He's a fucking fat f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see how jacked I am from the fucking tits up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got real pussy ass fucking midsection. I got like a real feminine fucking fucking love handles, dude. I got fat fucking love handles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went to- I joined Planet Fitness, dude. Like anybody with bitch hips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I go, I go at like 11 or 12 when there's not that many people there. Yeah. Today I got there at like 130, it was nice. Nice. You gotta beat the Puerto Rican rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it feels good cause the stats look great. It's like damn, I just, I just ran five miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, uh, someone told me that the Stairmaster was really fucking hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that shit, especially when you're fuckin' big. My legs were fuckin' shot, dude. I had to walk up the subway steps at this one station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I missed the escalator. I didn't know there was a big tall escalator. It was like five fucking floors. I was gassed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was fucking gassed at the top. Anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tony Hawk. And when I played Tony Hawk, I'd be like, I should fucking get into skating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A real top heavy bitch with fucking bitch hips, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, this is- I promise you, I promise you, she will not be upset, you will not be upset. This is just what happened last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I don't wanna, this isn't me. I'm not getting into those details. What I'm gonna tell you is what I saw last night. I came home from the bar, knowing that- Knowing that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew they were arguing, that's all I know. So I walk into the house, Tommy's standing in the living room going... Shaking his fucking head and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, fuck, we gotta talk about that too. I just crushed a rotus. Crushed a tis this week. I crushed a tis this week by myself, it was sick. But uh, so I walk into the house, walk through the living room, Tommy's just standing there by himself, like, looking at me like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I walked to the bathroom, his bedroom is open and it's pa- I gotta pass it to get to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I look in and I see his fucking girlfriend with a fucking ice pack over her eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I should've said. There'd be so many moments where I was like, alright, they're done. Everything's calm and then you'd hear him be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh boy. Well. But how about that tis I crushed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it was the grocery store tis. Grocery store tis. It's a regular flavor kind of guy. Grocery store tis. I go in. I go in to get the tis. Uh, no. Yo, where y'all keep your tis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a really, you're gonna really appreciate this afternoon. So I got high, I got high, and I didn't wanna go, I didn't go out, this was a Friday night. I was like, I'm gonna stay in, not get fucking drunk. I got a little high, and I watched, uh, Outlaw King on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a new Braveheart with Chris Pine. It was pretty sick. I lit candles. Way, way, way too hot. I had fucking candles lit. Yeah. I was fucking excited. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what to get for dinner. I walk to the local grocery store, say, yay, where's your fucking tits at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god, I enjoy that pick. Sorry, full sweatsuit. Go in to fuckin' tis it up. Grab a tis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we got a lot of, we got a lot of them. And uh, just, you know, she was like, do you want a bag for this? I was like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just carried the tis home, and then like an hour later I was like, you know what, I should get some sweet treats to wash this tis down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came back and the same people that saw me- So you went home to drop the tis off? Ate the tis. Ate the tis- And then I was like, you know what, I need sweets with this. Okay. The same people that saw me palm a tis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, your dad's fucking El Chapo. He was, I asked him, I was like, dude, are you selling, are you selling this fucking weed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a bunch of blood, blood blisters on it. Oh man. When I was, I was too old to do this. I was in like sixth grade. If you were more than three then- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I had like a handful of fries and connected on a fucking finger and just- We've all been there. Yeah, but I've been so hard that like- It's shocking. Destroyed my hand. Anyway. Pretty sick stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shady, Lashawn was, uh, new friends, we were friends growing up. Oh yeaah. Yeaah, yeaah, he's from Harrisburg, same age, uh, we played like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] CYO and CFA and all that shit. And uh, he was at my graduation party and we were playing NCAA. First off, he brought his own controller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rule was you have to play the team as the college team you're going to and at the time I was committed to army and he was committed to Miami.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he smoked me. But then we played even teams and I gave him the business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds like somebody who would get beat up. Sounds like someone who sold you a tis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. He went to fucking Arizona by way of Buffalo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, how about that, uh, Toronto documentary? What? On the Raptors? Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just imagine being fucking Vince like before the raptors were cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanted a buffalo, you got it, you fucking pussies. Yea, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's what I was gonna say. So this is, this is where it gets tough. If... Wait till fuckin' Friday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wimbush, yea, I mean, I'm undefeated against the spread this year with Notre Dame. Is that correct? Look at him, look in the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, nine and a half. Take the Irish unless Wimbush is starting. Wait till Friday if Wimbush is starting. Eee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Come up to fucking dumb Syracuse on tomorrow. Easier, plug that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's questionable because the ACC sucks and CQ says two or three losses and they're like 12th or 13th. They have two losses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying take ND with the spread for sure. NDs can cover that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either way dude, I'm 10-0 against the spread right now. So if I lose this week, I've done a great service to this country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no name every year that does this thing called the Shamrock series where they play at a neutral site. Okay. Against a random fucking team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was technically a home game for Notre Dame. They just fucked it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except how fucking gay they are the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are just actors pretending to be friends and it's terrible. But you were saying they're pretending to be gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their friendship, because they're actors that are like, I've never had a bro friendship in my life, what's this like? I think you just hug a lot and push each other. That's you, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought it was that fucking adult swim show, that hell show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't believe Mike from Manhattan's just in silence right now. Radio silence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, yea, yea, I got a friend, yea, I'll give you these two stories, these are great. My friend the Wack-Off King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, this, this kid, the Wackoff King, his family's rich, they're good, they're family friends, they took...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me with them to the Dominican Republic. I'm two years older than the Wacoff King.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time we're in the Dominican Republic. Me and him have our own villa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm in like 8th grade, he's in like 6th. Okay. He earned this title in 6th grade. This is when he earned the kingship. He became royalty at this point. Uh, the whole time he's jerking off in the shower. Every time he takes an hour long shower. I'm like, I know you're jerking off in that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to think I ushered him into that because the last day on the trip, I was like, I know this kid's jerking off in the shower. I walked back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Open the bathroom, swing open the curtain, the shower's running, and no one's in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big wardrobe closet, I open the door, in the back of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sitting on top of a chest. Just naked. In the D.R. In the D.R. Naked, sitting on a chest. Just flicking his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I opened the door and he didn't see me, he didn't know I was there, so I had enough time to watch for a second and then just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was nice. Four years later, they took me to a different island. Become king. Me and the Whack-Off King head to Jamaica. This is where I steal the fucking crown, dude. I become the new king. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got the tab, I drank 36, it was wild. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is senior year in high school. Right next to your dad's eight foot weed plant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Great, he was in 6th. 12th. And, uh, yeaah, I was about to go to army, so I was like, I can't smoke weed. I'm gonna get tested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They went to smoke weed, I was like, yo, I'm gonna go back to the, to the room and jerk off. I go back to the room, lock all the doors, I was blacked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next thing the Wacoff King tells me is he tried to get back in after smoking and the door was locked, he couldn't get in. So he walks the whole way to the front desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gets a Jamaican dude in a golf cart to drive him to our fucking villa and open the door and when he walked in I was ass naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was disgusting. How about that? That's the microphone, dude. Were you guys here for that? Producers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what? Gavin fucking spread his butthole and put it on that mic and then Tommy licks it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got it under the heel of his shoe while he's squatted down and his dick's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This actually eats at Tommy, which I, the whole time I, before I lived with him, I thought Tommy was impervious to insults, like it would never hurt him. Every time I've been on here, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to dominate the f- I remember, I think, two- Hasek, baby. Yeah, Dominik Hasek used to buttfuck us, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What sucks about the Bills, everything, is they're so bad right now that it feels like they're at least a decade away from being competitive. And by the, they're, you gotta race the clock to when football is gonna stop being played.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then his kid grows up to become the same thing. And then the devil ray comes out and stabs him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably. There's a fuckin' point. Yeah. What kind of animal attack? Any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beezer's got this. He's loading it up right now. It's one of the better, uh, bombs of all time in stand-up, and we have it. Who is it? It's a friend of ours. His name's Matt D'Alto. I don't know him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're gonna watch it. It's not his, it's not his material that bombs, it's boy his attitude just stinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're such a cunt. I'm not a cunt. You are a cunt. How dare you, dude. This is uh, they tried to do an end of the world show. For sure, for sure. I'll give you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy dude, the crowd's hot. They do not want to hear this guy. He comes on and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little rapey at the end after his joke was you would play hide and seek with a girl and you hold her down and fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, uh, if you're a loser that lives near Syracuse, tomorrow, tomorrow come to, uh, Woody's in Syracuse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beezer's opening. Come to fucking Woody's in Syracuse tomorrow. And then, take Notre Dame. Nine, nine and a half.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beautiful. Giant bats, right? We got giant bats. Tony Hinchcliffe came and said we had the worst comedy scene he had ever seen. We have that on a little black now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never bought Jim Jefferies a VB. I might open for him in Pittsburgh, maybe. I don't know. You might, you need to support him in Pittsburgh. I would like to support him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surely there's an easier baby to abduct than a Jeffrey's baby at this point. Someone I don't know, someone I'm not related to if I'm going to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just converted? No, no, it was a medical circumcision. I had scar tissue on the foreskin. It was real bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you convert to Judaism while you were there? I thought it would be a good opportunity. But I love Christ and his love. You know? I'm sorry. The law is too much. That's sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I thought about getting a rabbi to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Just for the, and then I could, well, they knock you out though, in the other one. I didn't want to be awake for it. The general anesthetic, which is lovely. You notice a big difference now? Much better. Really? Oh, it's a better penis. Have you fucked since? Yes. With my, I've made love to my wife. I've heard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say you can tell? Yea, the difference. True. Inmate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think they cut mine right, but then you can't masturbate for three weeks, which I try not to do anyway, but I did not make it the full...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just talked at it. But one shouldn't, but it's certainly helped me do that less.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the, we was talking about the post-nut clarity. Yeah, there's also the post-nut pain. It's not true. On your penis. But it's the, it's before the ejaculation that you have the clarity when it's when you can't stop anymore. I think that's when it comes. Do you know what I mean? It's like a couple seconds before. So there's no pleasure. It's just like, so I'm just there going, what have I done?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, there was a black holocaust. What? There was a black holocaust. Because the French, uh, the French Algerians raped their way through in World War I through the, uh, what is it? The Sudetenland. And then by World War II, there were a bunch of black people in Germany. And they were all, I believe they were holocausted as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think they were, but I'm, you know, they were, you know, team in, I'm in arm. Jew is black also, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we're getting a little more relaxed. Okay. Yeah. Just now? Just now. Yeah, like in the last couple weeks. No. It's, the stickers are still everywhere. You get to stand where you want on the floor, like floor stickers. Oh yeah. In this place, in that place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you've still got, in New York and California, you've got masks in weird places. Like libraries have masks still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there were good books on chess at the Inglewood library. You went to the library and read books about chess? You went to a library in Inglewood? Yeah, I didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking read a book about chess? I read several books about chess in the Inglewood Public Library. Great murals, great toilets, love Inglewood Public Library. You took a dump in the library. I did take a big dump in the Inglewood Public Library.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think it's a better shape. It's got tissues in a better location. It's rib.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Steubenville, Ohio. I loved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big one. But then Bezos owns Amazon. He's a, he's not Jewish. He's not Jewish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The James Donald Fawkes McCann catamaran plan. It's a catamaran like a pontoon. Jesus Christ. Like a $500,000 boat, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent a lot of that money coming here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Former coach of the Eagles. Offensive coordinator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you explained it to me. The reason why all that goes on is because there's no parking lot really around the Bill Stadium, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Around the cotton bowl is the same way. All the people are just like, Parking our front yard for 10 bucks or whatever. Holy shit. Yeaah. Yeaah. It's awesome. Yeaah. Speaking of Notre Dame. There's no security guards wandering around there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did say San Francisco. No, yeah, San Francisco had a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, your dad's rocking denim jackets? My dad tries to dress up for like, uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you got that pirate beard. Yeaah. You look good. You got that god damn neck and these, these things. Yeaah. Oof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only way to get back at you, little cum crystals. Trying to get rid of those allergies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember pinching my nose. Yea, it was the first time I got drunk. How fun did boozing used to be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. No? Katie Mueller? Sounds thick. She's hot. Yeah? Yeah, first head too. E-e-elementary school? Eighth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is crazy. I don't even know what that's about. They already deleted it. Good. Tell them that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude. I did research. Years ago. He could be doing jiu-jitsu. He's frail. He only came in here by accident because he sneezed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, Emmet Smith and fucking- Michael Irvin. Oh my god. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My big complaint about my algorithm is that every night I fall asleep watching YouTube videos and I never ever put this dude on purpose but the guy from Mythbusters plays on my TV for 8 hours every night while I sleep. Adam Savage like testing shit in a workshop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh for sure. Well not on purpose usually. In your room? Yea. But you wake up to a TV on in your room? Sometimes yea. And it's Adam Savage on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what to tell you dude. That's the worst sleeping you can get. I don't know what to tell you dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What makes you, what makes you think you're better than every gay guy at everything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, you should look up is, uh, the World Barista Championships on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, I saw, I saw they, they, there was a video and it was just one lady's like entry and it was 18 minutes long. I said, well, that's way too long for a coffee competition. And I put it on and it's this girl giving, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, she's making coffee for judges that are the most serious people in the entire world. Like, almost like, monocle people, like, r-rumph, that kind of shit. And this girl's like, she's so nervous that her hands are shaking, and she's making coffee, and she's also giving them like a presentation about like, the history of coffee. She's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coffee shops themselves are facing, facing extinction. And then she did this like weird metaphor, all the while her like hands are shaking and she like can't get shit connected to the, uuuh. She's doing a coffee book report. Dude, it's crea- yea. She's doing a full on book report with like the Janet Jackson headset on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really crazy. And then I watched another one and it was like, oh, there's also like very inspirational music playing in the background the whole time. Why? It's crazy. I don't know, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to have to go MGTOW at the same time to fully immerse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that you mostly just post about being MGTOW on message boards and then at night you go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen a new YouTuber, I think his name is Davis Aurini. No. He's a bald guy with like a goatee and he's like a, I think he's a big MGTOW guy. Nice. But he like, he's got like kind of like a spooky almost like man goth set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like drinking like a fancy cocktail the whole time and he's got like a crazy like weird voice and he's always like, no, the thing women don't really, they failed to comprehend. And he's like, dude, no, he's like a skinny, weird bald guy. He's the creepiest dude in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know what's good? This is, uh, a similar concept. Have you guys heard about the chest cheating scandal? Yes, I saw the thing. What? Was his name Hans Nieman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, he got accused of cheating in like uh, the high level ultra championship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new story that's being passed around and no one's really questioning is that he's been wearing a rectal insert that like, Morse codes the moves he should be making.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They originally said he was wearing anal beads that vibrate to send to communicate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. So, so of course, yeaah, it was dismissed as like cra- like, that's preposterous at first. And then it came out that, uh, he's been cheating on chess.com for, uh, he's had a hundred matches that they proved where he was cheating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I guess, I am assuming the way that it works is that on chess.com, first of all, you can just be feeding the moves into a different computer and it tells you exactly what to do. Oh, what? Yeaah. Yeaah. And then, with uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so Noah, I don't know if it's actually true that he wears a rectal insert. That's so true. To cheat at chess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that is the method. The moves are being like observed and like communicated with someone who's like feeding back information to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like data analysis. It's unfortunate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he admitted to cheating before in like 2018 and across the same time period he had like the most meteoric rise in, in chess ranking of all time and like he had been caught so it was very, it was very sus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's more of a Cobra Commander helmet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's, you know who that is, that's like a dude with like a graying goatee and like a black tank top with a big belly and basketball shorts. Like, that's the uniform every day that you see around the neighborhood. Gold chain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when you, when you're in a, when you sleep in a basement at night, that's goblin mode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did I tell you I worked with a dude who was a UFO enthusiast to the point that it like ruined his personal life? What? Yea, I worked with a dude, uh, man, he was a really interesting guy. Uh, he was, I think he was like the service manager at my old job, and he, uhm, wait,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it a car dealership? No, no, no. It was IT. Oh, IT. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dudes trying to like encourage them to like talk to women and stuff like that around the office. Like among the client base. Like well maybe you'll meet a nice lady that like while you're doing your job or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think eventually he went on a date with like a manager of one of the offices and stuff like that. And she reported back to someone else at our company and she was like, uh, yeah, he just, he just wanted to talk about UFOs the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's the man. I could, I would be like, what is going on now? And he'd be like, not much. Well, and then he would like pull up like a forum post. He's like, and it would be an information dump. That was too much for me to understand. I was like, cool, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's kind of like a no duh. They're like, him and those dudes, they're like, yeah, no duh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's a cycle. Every eight years or so, there's like new, like, guess what? Is this a transmission from outer space? And like they flirt with it and it's never anything and the alien dudes are always like, see? Told ya. Case closed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, John Q. Public does not want to hear from these fucking ponytail creeps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a possible number one all time told you so. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's how they always do it in movies, right? It either destabilizes relationships between countries or something like that. Yeaah, something happens. Or, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went to space Egypt basically and he got a brown girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I completely forget. I can't remember beyond like James Bader fights space mummies. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a competitive thing. If you're into sci-fi, it's like, alright dude, time to jump on the leaderboard and see who likes sci-fi the fucking most.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have I ever recommended The Sparrow to you? It's a sci-fi book. Is it good? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, the story starts with a team showing up as a rescue mission for the first humans to ever travel to like a distant, uh, system with intelligent life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first team was sent because a space station thing or like a telescope detected a signal and it turned out to be what sounded like singing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They follow the signal. That's the whole, you know, this is all explained, but so this rescue mission shows up and they're rescuing, uh, the one survivor who was a Jesuit priest that was sent along with the mission. Holy shit. And they,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that's what he's accused of. To survive. Bro. And like his, they, these aliens like cut through all like the uh, meat between his fingers. So he had these like weird freakishly long fingers that he had to like wear a prosthetic to like not have his shit just fly around. Dude, it's the wildest shit ever and it's, check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They find, they find him in an alien brothel. The stinging was actually these, this like, uh, alien species that like keeps another species as cattle. Sirens. And then the humans showed up and they were like, nice. And they dicked him. Eh, alright, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope I didn't give away too much. I hope I just gave away enough to peak your interest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they've got you bent over like an anvil and they're just taking turns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. You get lucky one day, the alien's doing a fingertip trick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm seeing ads on Instagram and Twitter for the blood glucose monitor. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, these are like athletic people with like a, like a circle thing that they stick on. And it doesn't even hurt. It's Paul Saladino. Dude, why is that in norma- why is that being advertised to normal people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why isn't that just something that your doctor tells you to do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was also looking at people like having to take their insulin and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was like three straight days of around the clock coverage. So I also, I also hit that screen time. On your phone? Yeah. Yeah, cause you have to watch it on an app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to, uh, Furnace Fest and there was a lot of, you know, plenty of standing around and travel and stuff like that so I spiked my fucking screen time. And then a 13 hour drive home. That was 13 straight hours of screen time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh no, 5 hours 30 minutes. Which I would say is actually down from when we first talked about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm surprised actually. Well, you know what it did, okay, so I didn't fully embrace the never using my phone like you did. Every detail I got from you, I said that's not appealing to me at all. Spartan Mode. This is a very expensive device that I paid for. Spartan Mode is not for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we, what if we just made everyone be very polite? Like, I don't think you should talk to each other that way. Yeah. That's, that's truly troubling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been a while since I saw like newspaper headlines, or like news headlines about a flop. That's gotta be tough, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just refreshing, like, variety with your agent. Just like, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the people that you like graduated high school with that were super dickheads about film are now all like, like that age group is now the prominent film critics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he probably thought that straight women would drag their boyfriends to the movie. And I think straight women are probably like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Hey Kev, how are ya? Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a trend on TikTok, a how-choo on stealing Kia's and Hyundai's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody talks about that side of it. What? That's the dark side of parenting, enjoying it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think about that all the time. Like you guys are not preparing yourself to protect your resources when the lights go dark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many guns you have in your house? Dude, I am a gun. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some silent, some silent, uh, fucking aeronautics. Nice. Yea. You don't know where that came from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need all the women in my house to be able to pull it in a moment of like, chaos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I need to find like a little safe area for me to collect. Okay. I need to collect, get an idea of what's going on around me, and then I can start enacting them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the thing, so BAM, like, everything snaps, you're going straight to your guns, is what you're saying. Yeah. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but man, it's like, dude, people are going to fucking, when the shit hits the fan, and you think the barbarians are gonna be few and far between, but I think so many people that are out there, like, I would never, I would never, instantly as soon as the shit hits the fan, they're gonna become.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, like, the biggest dudes in society are gonna be like, fuck, they're gonna come after me. For a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think they'd be, I think they'd become leaders. They'd be valuable later on, but in the moment of chaos, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. Yeah, because people can't fathom what's going on in your mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but your fucking gay ass degree doesn't matter. I'm saying people would do this as a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just sat somewhere, testing shit over and over. Dude, just trying, just like throwing bodies at things, just like blowing up, like exploding humans. Dude, early technology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, cause it is intimidating at first, it is the unquenchable flame, and the next thing you know you're putting it on your lips for like moisturizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, coming up with new ways to like, fuck a person up, has to be the coolest job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude it's just you're caught up in the excitement. We just got in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your whole, like, your whole entire society has to be geared towards slumming out the chosen one. You gotta find who you-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens? Dude, you can never fully enjoy your conquest until the chosen one is snuffed out. You have to find them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, like all the math that was necessary to like put humans in space, they came up with, but they were like decimated, so they couldn't really apply it. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is your, so, know it before, Danny, before you give it, so knowing that that is how the phrase, that's the purpose of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, and I'm doing that in my brain, so I'm thinking shirt sleeves to short sleeves is how it should be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so when I was, uh, so when I was coming back from the airport, when I got to Philly, I was waiting to get picked up. There was this black chick on her phone, uh, arguing. Just like, just like arguing. She goes, this is what she would say, she goes, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, listen, I don't got money like her, okay? I can't afford to reschedule my plane ticket, alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what you can pick up from the conversation is that she has flown in from Sloan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To get money from somebody and then she has to fly back right away because she says, listen, I ain't here to hang out. I'm getting my money and I'm outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also fair. Yeaah, that's fair. Nah, but no, dude, she was like, uhm, fucking, again, the way she was talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was kinda like, uh, she reminded me of like, uh, the fucked up family member. That everybody still has to help out financially every now and again. You know, just to keep her from like, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the hot specific of like, mou- like a mouse? Like something that can like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now, I'm that sick gaming chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's because we don't have what it takes to yell under a pole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had to stop watching it for a little bit because, uh, the Netflix was like, dude, this kid, that Pepsi, the Harrier Jet thing, did you guys watch that shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was, like, they fucked up with their advertising. What? Yeaah, cause you gotta remember this, there was a commercial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so they're, Pepsi didn't even start moving Pepsi, because they're competing with Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola has like the fingerprint for soda globally, right? This is the move against Coca-Cola, so they're gonna do a points thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like 90s commercial time too, when all the commercials start getting funny as fuck, right? So they were like, dude, just go with this fat used kid, get everything we can out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cuz the guy was like, I don't want somebody like trying to figure out what that number is and how like they're gonna calculate. Like I just, I want it to seem attainable. So somebody got 700,000? Seven million. Or seven million, sorry. Like this dude was just like, man I wanna be a person. Of, of, of some kind of value.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, so he was scheming, he found this guy that he was like, uh, he was like a mountain guide at one point. This dude just had all sorts of jobs. And at one point he was a mountain guide and he knew this guy that was like, yea, this guy would fucking help me in this. So he was like a business guy.


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[Assistant] With all the stuff that you can, you know, win. And in that back of the catalog it says that you don't have to actually collect all the soda. It's like, you can pay a certain amount in that 10%.


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[Assistant] It's the math, it's the math of the situation I couldn't figure out. Oh man. As I was talking. You know what I mean? Yea, for sure. But he was like- The math, the details.


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[Assistant] Eventually, he ended up trying to sue him, cause he paid all the money. Yeaah. Like that. But they sent him his check back, and it was like, nah, here's two fucking cases of Pepsi.


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[Assistant] I did not get the jet. Or anything equivalent to what a jet would have been.


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[Assistant] Dude, it's fucked up because every time they're interviewing him, he's in an airport hangar. He's like in a hangar with a fucking fighter jet behind him. So you're looking at this like, oh fuck he got the jet!


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[Assistant] Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. They were like, yeah. Did you watch this?


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[Assistant] Cause like of course I wouldn't know about this. Like you wouldn't know about it if he got the jet. If a fucking teenage kid won a jet from Pepsi.


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[Assistant] Well see, but he found out that you could if it was, uh, de-weaponized. Yeah, he called the Pentagon.


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[Assistant] I don't know what the process is, but I know I would fucking explode half of my basement.


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[Assistant] That's such a funny question. I feel like a drunk elephant has to have like a Kangol hat on. Do you know what I mean? Like what kind of like, hmm.


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[Assistant] We're here dude. Let's go ahead. Welcome to Matt and Shane's secret podcast.


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[Assistant] No, that shit sucks. It's fun as fuck. I like the story line, dude. I like to be like, yo, we need to establish.


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[Assistant] NCAA had one where you could, it was right before they got gay, you could like have your players cheat. Like there would be things where you could, if your player got caught. Cheat on a test. Yea, you could be like, his grades are bad, you could be like, ignore that, let him play. And then if you got caught, you got fucked by the NCAA. It was good. Did you ever get away with it? Yea, at Notre Dame I would hold my players.


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[Assistant] I'd say if you cheated on it, I will cut you, dude. Strike one. Did you ever go coach mode? What do you mean?


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[Assistant] I would take a team like Ted Lasso's team. I would try to Ted Lasso. I would fail. Drop down another league.


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[Assistant] He watched us get fired. He would, even more loser of a move, O'Connor would lay on the couch and watch me game.


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[Assistant] A command's on his feet right now. He's, I don't like it. He's swift. He's high up. He's high up. He's been working out.


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[Assistant] But yeaah, I've been waking up way too early and then, uh, gaming as hard as I can.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I couldn't do that. That would be a real- I mean, don't get me wrong, I could. That is in the future. You can do anything you put your mind to. I would do it if it weren't for smartphones.


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[Assistant] I wonder if Philly's the only city that calls it Mario.


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[Assistant] They might as well be speaking Greek. Exactly. By the way, that's where gringo comes from. Really? Greek? I had to look that up. Why? It's uh, it's not, there was an old thing where people thought gringo was people saying, back then in Spanish, the Mexicans saying green go. That's what I heard. Like the US army was wearing green uniforms or something.


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[Assistant] From Spain they used to say, like, how we say, like, it's all Greek to me. Yea. The Spanish would say that. If somebody said something that Grigo is Greek. Maybe that goes Grigo.


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[Assistant] The Mexicans took it. How about that? We love etymologies, dude. I love this stuff. Why did you Google it? So much better than Green Goat. I'm not sure why. I think maybe because we were watching The Anarchists.


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[Assistant] Nathan Freeman dying of cirrhosis. Turning into a fucking Penske, dude.


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[Assistant] I mean, I guess obviously, cirrhosis hits people different, but like, yeaah. It smacked that boy. There's dudes that can house bottles a day.


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[Assistant] The kids are young, the daughters, she still got out some curse words. Yea, they let them curse, which is like, it's uncomfortable. Really? The little kids are cursing, like throwing books and fires and shit. Yea, it opens with kids throwing books and fires. What are they burning? He's like, typically I'd be upset seeing a book burning, but isn't it so cool?


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[Assistant] They probably sold it to HBO. That was just a dude making something. Unless he says throughout, this is for HBO. Good point.


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[Assistant] Dude, if he went yellow on Goldschlager. Yea, my bro went close to yellow on Fireball.


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[Assistant] I only got that a few times in my life, yea. I was a kid and I thought my dog was the coolest just cause the bottle. The name and the bottle, the colors. Yea, I liked that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you wanna walk off the building. Yeah, it's 1929. You literally are standing. It's Black Friday. You're just standing in front of a whole room that's decided you suck.


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[Assistant] I don't like this. I don't like this. Fuck you guys. It's still a point that's like I want you guys to think that that's funny.


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[Assistant] I was so adamant that he was innocent. From the get go. But I will say this, I think in my defending him, I tried to set up a fucking, like, I'm not being a homer. I was like, I think he might be gay. I was like, he's just a dumb gay dude, dude, let him go. So I might have besmirched the king, and if that's true, I...


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[Assistant] He's a beast. He's the best. He's a beast. That also, that was also the gayest insult too. Like anytime, anytime people talk shit on Notre Dame, they're always like, join a fucking conference. You guys don't care about this, but. I know what you're talking about. That's a gay ass argument. Shut up about it. Yeah. And the other thing would be like, oh, Teo, fake girlfriend. Be like, you don't know anything about what happened, dude.


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[Assistant] 88. I mean, should have been 93, not a big deal. They had the exact same record as Florida State. They both won 11-1, they gave it to Florida State. Florida State's one loss, Notre Dame. Same record and they beat them. Yea, should have been Notre Dame, not a big deal.


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[Assistant] Notre Dame losing is also like clickbait. ESPN loves it. Everybody loves it. They're like, look at Notre Dame get killed again. Everybody gets killed in college football. There's three teams that are good. It's Ohio State, Clemson, Alabama. They butt fuck everybody every year.


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[Assistant] Go look at fucking Michigan schedule. You wanna know who they open up with? Colorado State. Appalachia. Hawaii. Connecticut. Maryland, dude. That's their first four games. Damn. Miss me with that.


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[Assistant] I was at that, I was at that game dude. Are you serious? You know what I mean? Yeah, Michigan at night, at Notre Dame, 2012, not a big deal.


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[Assistant] Especially as a fucking Uso dude. From that, your noose dude. He kinda got her back at the end there. Where? Shed him with I forgive him. I forgive him? Yea. He dead named her? He did obviously.


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[Assistant] I was trying to explain this to Spade. Kicked out of the Alliance. This is, note it ain't this happening to Manti.


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[Assistant] Nice. Noah Devine was a bit too much of a thug for me.


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[Assistant] Those Florida Dade County boys are scary. They are. Yeah. But I was, I was following this. He was a USC lock. Yeah. Everybody was like USC. He commits to Notre Dame on signing day. What'd you do? Me and my bros loved the Irish at the company. We were going nuts.


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[Assistant] So I'm following, dude. I'm obsessed. Obviously, this is the most depressed I have ever in my life. Obviously, Notre Dame is the most important thing in my life at this point. I'm clinging to this. And then, uh, season 12-0. I have so many memories of that season. The goal line stand against Stanford. I was watching that with my old man. We stood up and hugged. It was, I mean, it was the best.


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[Assistant] The fall was tough. I was, it was, uh, actually the year, that was when he committed.


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[Assistant] And then Charlie Weiss gets fired, Notre Dame's in the damn dumps. Who'd they pick up after that? I hired Brian Kelly. Brian Kelly at Redhead and fuck. No, no, no. Is he Redhead? No.


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[Assistant] I can go back pretty, I can go back at least to like, damn, oh, oh three. Who's playing in oh three?


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[Assistant] But, nah, I can go back. I can go back. Oh, I mean, Fiesta Bowl, 2001. I had another named ball quarterback.


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[Assistant] 2012, the season dude. Going undefeated. Manti against Michigan State, that's when it comes out. He balls out. Everybody believes it.


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[Assistant] Everybody believes it. And then that's what, I did not at the time like Manti. Was Golden Tate on the squad? No, Golden Tate was, yea he was awesome. I thought it was, I thought it was real, and I thought Manti was being gay about,


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[Assistant] Anytime the camera's on and being like, this is for you. Yea, that kind of stuff, right. You could see a difference. Yea. I'd been such a psycho, I followed him his whole career. Yea. It did change when the cameras came on. How could I judge a 20 year old for doing that? For real. That's, that's, but I was 20.