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[Assistant] Okay. Maybe I got that fucked up. I don't know. Definitely got that fucked up.


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[Assistant] What were you saying? What are the ten things? Well, one of them is run on water. There's something a person can't do. You can. It's not fucking easy though.


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[Assistant] You gonna tell me now that you can walk on water? Or run on water?


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[Assistant] Well, that's not really running on water, Ricky. That's a whole different set of physics involved there. What can run on water? Well, I don't know, to be honest. You mean like run on, like running, right?


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[Assistant] They've got these little padding things on their hands. They've got claws or feet or whatever. Hypercraft feet. What feet? Hypercraft.


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[Assistant] Fuckin good dude. Fuckin, what commercial? Habababa commercial?


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[Assistant] We're not really doing anything, but you are still allowed to smoke and drink and party and bang. Then you'd be doing something.


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[Assistant] It is amazing that anybody can even communicate with anybody now. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Maybe that's why I'm not so good at English. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be in English. Maybe I'm supposed to be speaking Portuguese or something. Let's hear you speak some Portuguese, Ricky. How do you think they'd sound?


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[Assistant] I've been waiting for someone to fucking say that. I've been waiting for- 10,000 years. Waiting to be summoned by that.


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[Assistant] But he wouldn't lower down. He'd come walking across the water. What up, bitches? There you go. So someone can fucking walk on water. We forgot about him. But he's not human. He's pretend.


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[Assistant] So there's a fuckin' something that lives forever? According to this. No. What the fuck is it?


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[Assistant] What do you think that'll do? It's gonna fucking make you live longer. You're eating something that lives forever.


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[Assistant] Reminds me of that guy, like fucking lions come up to you. No fuck, go ahead, take a bite dummy. Go ahead. Fucking have a little chunk. Fucking lion's dead in seven seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, go ahead, take a little chunk out of my leg there, bud. Wanting to eat you whole though, Ricky. Then he'd live forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found this fucking thing, which is kinda cool. It's a pig and a kangaroo. Says they formed an intense in-time mate relationship. Intimate? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you know what? They're fucking power to them, I think it's great. I wonder who's the petcher and who's the catcher. Oh the pig's definitely, he's catching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably fucking wake you right up. It's kinda cool though, I mean, who would've thought? And why should fucking all animals just have relationships with, you know, just them? Maybe someday we'll be walking around and see something that we think is hotter than a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then Ricky, I don't- It could be an alien that comes down and you're like, holy fucking god, look at that thing. Whatever it is. A super hard alien. Like that happens all the time. Or it could be an animal that we've never discovered. That's hot. I think that goes on now Ricky, but-


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[Assistant] Well, you suppose you even shot a video of it and it was fucking full on.


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[Assistant] Probably try to go back with them wherever they came from.


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[Assistant] Especially if they're only like this big. Maybe look at Hugo, holy fuck, there's a year of food.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's scary. My dad always believed that insects were aliens. And they're fucking taking over the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Get dizzy at shit, probably.


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[Assistant] You when I was sleeping? No, his name, well it's G.F. In jail. Girlfriend. G.F.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were telling us about it, you were in great detail.


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[Assistant] Well, look at the big brain on fucking Jacob, huh?


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[Assistant] Normally I don't like to put nightshade vegetables up my ass, but, cause it, uh, it can make you go sterile. Like actually not, not, it's true. Really? Yeah. So you gotta make up for it by eating like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We men does liberate women. And, and uhm, you know, liberate, uhm,


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[Assistant] A bunch of stunts, um, degrade ourselves, degrade the audience. We have a lot of audience participation in it. It's really just like a big fucking great party. It's a good party. Everyone, and then afterwards we hang out with everybody and do pictures. Sign their titties and ass.


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[Assistant] If that's what they want, that's what they'll get. But yeah, it's just a great big fun party.


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[Assistant] But there's always, there's always uhm, you know, we men liberating women.


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[Assistant] He's learned, he's developed a scientific system of identifying the different types of nipples. Areolas. Sorry, areolas. Because nipples are based on size.


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[Assistant] Uh, decides to drink every once in a while, almost all the time, and he turns into a guy named Darf after about three or four drinks, and he gets blacked out, hardcore, was writing on everybody's faces with Sharpies and stuff, and bump it. Anyways, long story short, I punch him in the face.


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[Assistant] See, you totally fucked that up. So how about I, I'll turn this on you.


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[Assistant] Pretty high won't do for a 52 weeker. Alright, you know, since it is the 52, 52nd episode, I'm gonna get high with it, bud. Let's get high and drunk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, then he's gonna go up to a fisherman, he's gonna come up, and he'll be like, hey, give me some belly work, and he's gonna fucking knock him on the head. Skin him and...


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[Assistant] Where'd you get this fucking cake, man? I made it. You made it. You're not eating that. I'm not. I'm fucking trying.


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[Assistant] How's it coming? No, it's still there, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are the cozies, man. You can go to, uh, charloperboysmerch.com, get your shit. Or Cozzy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just how you think, man. That's you.


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[Assistant] He had a gun, like it did have a blank in it, which, you know, was a bit of paint in there, and then, come on, it hit the other side of his mouth and he swallowed it. Don't think so, man. That's going right through.


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[Assistant] That was, that was pretty safe, wasn't it? No, you were fucking up a lot, man. You were falling all over the place. I didn't fall. Hurtin' yourself. I don't think. Well, you could've got really hurt with that.


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[Assistant] Uh, March, April, I might be able to do that actually.


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[Assistant] The front entrance and you've removed your clothing and they've checked your ass and they've given you a jumpsuit and the first place you've gone is into a small holding cell which, if memory serves, usually has a toilet and a bench and a jail door as well.


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[Assistant] Man, oh man, that is interesting. That is awesome. It's crazy, isn't it? It's just, it is a different world, and one that you...


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[Assistant] I don't want to ever experience, I'd imagine, right? Like, like, it's like in Aladdin, a whole new world, but. It is. And he says, don't you dare close your eyes, but maybe if you are in that whole new world, you will want to close your eyes. You may well want to.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Shonshin and Redemption, remember when the guy's like, hey, make me a, make me a world-class chess set. And, uh, Andy Dufresne starts, he starts whittling, quittling.


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[Assistant] It's never explicitly said that he's making it for him, but he's making it for him.


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[Assistant] Escape from Alcatraz. Starting Queen to Eastwood.


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[Assistant] Chicagoian... I don't think that that name is really, uh, good for, y'know, doing that kind of stuff with it, y'know? Like adding, like, uh, uh, an EN on the end of it or whatever. Yeah, it's an awkward word. It is so awkward, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm, I'm from Ottawa, like what's that an auto white? Like I don't know, like it's another one. It ends with an A, so it's really hard to add, to make it not awkward and add.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make a, make a necklace, uh, like with a lot of bling on it and, uh, you know, like it's done in the cursive write, you know, like sometimes they put like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, like Juicy or whatever. It's like a medallion with like the word Juicy written on it. Make a medallion that says time for bed on it and then put like a bunch of diamonds and stuff like, uh, you know, really like bling it out. I think that would be perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was gonna ask for. You get the mouthpiece, I'll get the clock, and then Flax will have the medallion, and then when we combine together, like Voltron, we'll form a wrapper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, but was the bear ready to fight though? Like I'm under the assumption that these animals are both ready to fight to the death, right? Like I feel like in that case the tiger was ready to fight and maybe the bear was like, oh, what's going on? You know, like it didn't fight back?


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[Assistant] They didn't have like a ref to say, you know, 3-2-1 fight or anything like that. That doesn't sound like a fair fight. I mean, I'd probably win a fight too if I had the opportunity to break somebody's neck before the fight started. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, I'm thinking if you want a fair fight, you got to get them both really riled up too, you know, like, uh, you got to like probably starve them a bit, get them riled up, get them snarling at each other and stuff so they know that they're going to fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really get them to the point where it's like, we're opening these doors and one of you is gonna die, sort of thing, right? That is a fair fight, okay? What happened there is not, in my opinion, fair. Like, the tiger got the jump, the bear wasn't ready, and immediately broke its neck. That's not a fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know if they're gonna put money there though, cause it really does associate them immediately with, uh, something awful, you know? Like, and I'm not talking about the website here either, I'm talking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a Bronwyn at school, which uhm, I mean, this is in Canada, in Ontario, it's a very Welsh name, Bronwyn. We'd never come across anything like it before, but anyway, her name was Bronwyn. And we used to call her Brown Wind.


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[Assistant] Yeah, over the course of a week that's not actually at all impossible. That's very doable. There's not much else there. Yeah, that's it. You go on for hours. Especially if you've got kids who are like, the minute you've started the course, they're like, can we go on again? Like, you know you're gonna be on there for eight hours, probably.


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[Assistant] I feel like, uh, I feel like it's a journey, right? I think just leave it and see what happens because I don't think anybody can long-term like James Corden. I think, I think he's probably charming enough for you to think momentarily that you like him, but just give it time. And I think she'll, she'll ditch him. That's my advice.


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[Assistant] I don't think anybody, I don't think James Corden has staying power with people. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that's because you're, you know him, right? Like you, you, you, you're aware of him and, and already hate him. But like-


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[Assistant] On the, on the phone. On the perpetrator, yeaah. But yeaah, they phoned the police to let them know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, thanks for writing in, uh, and good luck. Good luck with that. Good luck with your marriage. Good luck with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like Clint Eastwood, on the topic of Clint Eastwood. He's got that like, you know, you can't, you look at his face and he's like wincing a bit, looks like the sun is always in his eyes, he's got his mouth just slightly open, and you just think, is this guy shitting his pants, or...?


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[Assistant] I think Stallone has an incredible bitchy resting face.


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[Assistant] It must be, yeah, but he looks like, he actually just kinda looks like he's in pain all the time. Like, uh, like he has that, that look about him. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I wouldn't want to eat like the one that went down to look at the Titanic and stuff, there's no way I could ever. Oh, no way. It's just impossible. I would be crying, I would be shitting, I'd be farting, I would be, I would be a total wreck. And I would not enjoy a single second of it either. I know this of myself.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know though, it feels like, I feel like in space I wouldn't be as worried. I would be worried. Don't get me wrong, I'd be shitting myself. But not as much as I would be underwater. Cause I feel like, yeah I know if I go out into space I'm not gonna be able to breathe, but.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, I just feel like not being able to breathe underwater would be a lot worse somehow. Like more, like more scary. And it's like so dark down there too, right? Like you wouldn't have, uhm,


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[Assistant] That's why we're very careful about who we vote to get behind the button and give the codes to, you know, cause otherwise we'd be so scared to think that somebody


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody could spark off a big nuclear war, you know?


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[Assistant] Honestly, it's probably a bit of both, right? There's probably some prehistoric thing in men to, uhm, you know, identify somebody, like a mating partner that is potentially more fertile or something like that, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause that shit exists, uh, in the animal kingdom as well, right? They, they, they kinda know who, who they're going for.


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[Assistant] Having said that though, I think animals just fuck anything that they can. Like, when they need to. No, some of them make for life! Some of them do, yeah. Very few though, very few.


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[Assistant] She said very rarely female sheep will try to have sex with each other, but uhm, but yeaah, I think, I think they just pretty much don't know what they're doing.


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[Assistant] I would, if my son, the thing is like, and I'm sure your daughters as well, Flax, when they're playing games, they're around us. Like, we can hear everything that they're saying, we know who they're with.


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[Assistant] Online and stuff. So the minute he started being toxic, we would just say, all right, it's time to come off. I mean, wouldn't just leave him to fester in some pit of toxicity because


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[Assistant] I mean, we've all been fucking annoyed playing games and salty and stuff like that, and actually just having somebody say to you, eh, maybe it's just time to take a break and do something else or whatever is a good thing, you know? Like, it can only be helpful.


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[Assistant] So I think, uh, I think if my, I wouldn't really want to have my, my son to have a chance to go down that road. I know I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just doing one thing where he gets to the point where he's so annoyed that he's being toxic or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, we kind of want to teach him to.


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[Assistant] I think a weird thing with Dota, and I think it makes it worse with a game like Dota, honestly, is that you can get really annoyed with yourself whilst playing Dota, but because the games are long,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to sit there and kind of, um, be punished by your mistakes for a long time until the game is done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where probably I will fuck up and get annoyed with myself and just be miserable until the game is over again and then you just repeat the cycle and it gets worse and worse and worse. Like you can see how easily it would happen in a game like Dota, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compared to other games where you fuck up, the game's over. You know, and you can just say, ah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I haven't had to just sit there and be, you know, reminded of how bad I am or whatever for a long time. It's over. Now I can make a choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, while I still have some rationality left in me to quit and move on, do something else or, you know, try again or whatever and try not to get so angry or whatever. I think, I think the type of game that you're playing really, uh, can fuck you over as well, you know, and Dota specifically, I think is the worst for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because Dota, I mean, I played enough Dota, Flax, you played a shit ton of Dota.


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[Assistant] Dota is, uh, something that you have to have the patience for it to play. And it is the ragiest game. I mean, it turns people into fucking monsters. Like, people you've never met before will...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sure that these people would never behave this way, uh, in real life around other people. And if they did, well, hopefully they'd just like end up in jail or whatever. But you know what I mean? Like it is really, it can be very, very toxic. And I think.


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[Assistant] I think having a, having some sense of balance around some of this stuff is pretty helpful. So I think if you have young kids, you can start teaching them stuff like that early on so that hopefully they don't just become


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big fucking miserable ragers when they're, when they're older.


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[Assistant] No, no. And I think like another thing you can do, it sounds boring and a lot of people can't do it, but like limit yourself to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, if you're, if you want to play Dota, just say to yourself, I'm only playing two games today, regardless of how they go, just two. And, and you, you, you will probably be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Caning it, playing thirteen hours a day, and just being miserable doing it, right? And being horrible too. Yeah, yeah. It is probably better to just limit yourself, and uh, and have like a healthier relationship with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who said that? That's you, you said you never knack with a cow. She was pretty much a cow and you knack with her. Samantha Jenkins. Yeah, you did knack with her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would, well he would probably, if Billy Goode sat down like this, actually he could probably do it that way, if he sat down like this with his, you know, and he's pissing up this way, dipped his head into the piss stream.


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[Assistant] It's Hollywood. It's the name of this place. I know, but what? Hollywood.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't that be fucking special, Rick. What the fuck are you talking about?


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[Assistant] Maybe that's what Eddie Frisbee would've wanted. He's gonna die and get made into cream that this cream would sprinkle everywhere.


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[Assistant] But you think if they're saying it's 86 and they did it more than once.


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[Assistant] Okay, here's one I want to talk to you about, Ricky. Why would there be? No cock. But they might have penguin boobs. Good point. They probably have six of them. Yeaah. Could be more meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tries to fuck a flatworm?


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[Assistant] Flyworm's not even a worm. Cause a worm has to be round.


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[Assistant] Maybe go through tissue paper, maybe some thicker things.


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[Assistant] I think she knew she just didn't care.


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[Assistant] So you went through your underwear and hers as well? No, just hers. Just hers. No, mine, mine, I had mine on as well, but it poked it through the little trap door, whatever it's called.


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[Assistant] It's gotta be a blue whale too. Why? That's not what it said.


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[Assistant] You know nothing about whales, man. I know your mother was a whale.


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[Assistant] That's fucking stupid. So you'd have to, when you're ordering your food, you'd have to budget saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't really eat that last fucking meatball cause I still gotta eat the plate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or is it just smaller portions? I mean, I've eaten, I've eaten plates before. Well, one, out of priority. That's one.


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[Assistant] It wasn't a full, it was like a fucking dessert plate. White.


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[Assistant] That was just, it's totally weird. You guys have never eaten anything fucked? What's the most fucked thing you've ever eaten, Bubs?


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[Assistant] What, the fact that the most fucked thing you fucked? Really? I mean, that's so crazy.


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[Assistant] It's someone that likes to fucking... It's a daredevil that says stuff like that.


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[Assistant] I thought it was what made him, it's what gave him the fucking courage. Snake poison. Maybe it was snake cavern, I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, what the fuck's going on fuckers? This is the official Trailer Park Boys podcast. Number? 35.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but is it or isn't it? Cause then it doesn't work. I don't know. You tell me. So if you're right, it's not a fucking very good joke. It's a terrible joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a little menu man, you can make like little drink kind of vape-o things. It's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're like, uh, so you don't really have a job title. I'm like a cat herder. A cat herder?


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[Assistant] Are you listening to what the man's saying? No. Sorry, guys. What were we talking about?


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[Assistant] Craziest fucking story you could tell about Guns N' Roses. Maybe that one, maybe one that nobody's ever heard. I mean, without pissing anybody off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds good to me. What other bands? I know you've worked with tons of fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to go to one of those parties. Those crazy rock and roll parties. Where people are, you know. How many, what, like how many ladies in one room have you ever witnessed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had like a big dinner of women and they took him home a doggie bag. So he's still talking about-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, a couple ladies in the park. Really? Yeah. I think I've been with most of them. Yeah, me too. Oh, you haven't, bubs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about, you know, other ladies. Ones you don't even know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit, I was drinking, you know. It's trouble. Ricky, that never happened. I don't know who's spreading those rumors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fools. What do you mean? So it's like, you fool around, you know, you make jokes and do pranks, and then you say, it's the fools. So you do it for free, you get away with it that way. But only on that one day? Well, it's the only day you're allowed to get away with it and not go to jail, pretty much.


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[Assistant] What do you think you can do on April 4th Ricky? What do you think you have license to do? Pretty much anything. Can't kill anyone obviously or rob a bank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he wasn't happy because you ran him off the fucking road and fucked up his car, Ricky. Not because you got him with an ape of fools, man. Well, any other day though, that would have been a crime, is my point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, still a crime, Ricky. That's maybe the part you're not getting. You're lucky. Did he get your license, please? I didn't have one on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, I like it, I like this day, it's my point. We should go and have some fun. Fuck with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess. It's not really a joke, they still get fucked over. But I've never done that anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're like the manager, are you the one that has to kind of do the work on it and put creams on it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I found a couple doozies, actually it's pretty ironic that they're both penises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bionic penis put on and the sex worker over there volunteered her time and boom. No longer a virgin his whole life. What do you mean bionic penis, Ricky? Oh, I'm assuming it's like... You know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could probably do extra kinds of things, too. Do you got one of those hand pumps included on you or something, or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now the really funny thing is, now his penis is so back, huh? He said, I'm still not ever gonna wear a fucking cap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think either one would be great, but yeaah, the bite would probably be worse. Cause you'd probably bite a clean off then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paid him, paid him a million dollars because he had a weiner like Frankenstein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw that, he's telling people to beat up the protestors and he'll pay for the fucking, he'll pay for the legal fees. Can't do that, you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Jerry Springer episode or something. You know, the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guy who might be the president of the United States, he can't be telling people, I'll go kick the shit out of that guy. I'll pay for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's only been nine or ten, man. Wow, Ricky. Ricky. Rick, wake up. Ricky! Rick! Stop pissing on me! What? Rick, you gotta wake up, man. Borg, get a drink in you. Slow him down, man. You're passing out. We are not passing out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just cause we have, you know, obligations we gotta meet and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But Rick, pick up that jacuzzi vapor pan for a sec. You got it there? Just take a good haul off that. Thanks, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Recap of the funniest moments of 2015. Teleport boys podcast coming at ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why didn't you just go into the living room, go on the fucking sofa?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Julian doesn't wanna piss off Harvard. I don't give a fuck about Harvard. You're never gonna get in there? No, they can all, I don't care. They can suck it. Everyone that goes there can suck it. Don't care.


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[Assistant] I'm sure there's not a lot of nice people there, okay? I'm just saying, if you're one of those people that Ricky talked about, the richy asshole ones, they can fuck off.


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[Assistant] Ricky, the Jolly Green Giant, he's not like a living fucking being, okay?


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[Assistant] There's no, there's no way it's Jimmy Hoffa.


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[Assistant] I went for a piss, I got back, he was up there. How did he get up there?


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[Assistant] Alright, you ready to do this, Bubs? Well, yes, I've been fucking ready. Alright, we're starting without him.


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[Assistant] Most people are just listening to this, they're not watching it, so you don't gotta talk to the fucking camera. Well there is people f- Why are you being a dick this morning? Well cause you brought me in here-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck could a pig drink 18? How would he get- how could he open them with his mouth?


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[Assistant] Why would you call him Carecock? Did you see something I didn't?


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[Assistant] Ricky, bananas aren't, that's the shape of a banana. They all have a bend in them. It's not cause it was getting rammed into things.


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[Assistant] You know, fermented fruit and they get all jacked up in the trees and then they-


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[Assistant] They're not gonna take a blood test and they're not gonna give him a little breathalyzer, a little ant breathalyzer. So how do they know he's fucking down?


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[Assistant] Ricky, fire ants can't eat your foot off in a matter of seconds. They're not piranha ants. They just, their bites burn.


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[Assistant] They make like a burn, that's why they call them fire ants. So they breathe fire like a dragon. They don't breathe fire.


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[Assistant] Remember Ray's encounter with the fire ants? You remember that?


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[Assistant] Putting honey on Brad, remember? Yes. He passed out and all the honey went all over his unit.


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[Assistant] And he woke up covered in fire ants, he had about 500 fire ants on his unit. Yeaah, he wasn't very happy.


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[Assistant] Okay, Ricky, here, I got a story that you'll enjoy. Bring it on. Listen to this one. This guy, Wu Chen, 67 years old, he was a pensioner.


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[Assistant] Who didn't trust his local bank. I know you fucking don't trust banks. Yep. Right? Woo! Didn't trust his local bank to look after his life savings.


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[Assistant] He buried all his money in the ground. Smart man, I've done it before. When's the last time you checked on it Rick?


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[Assistant] He found that insects had fucking eaten all of his money. Worms and stuff. How? They got hungry. And they found the money and they ate it.


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[Assistant] I don't think they were down there going, uuuh. Let's find something with a lot of nutrition in it. They're just fucking eating whatever.


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[Assistant] Well, they're not ants aren't. Ants aren't dumb. Ants have fuckin' figured out how to build a whole MMA fighting. I can't imagine that.


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[Assistant] Reggie, here's my question. In the effort it takes you to get up, retrieve your thermos, get out your funnel,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That she just burst into fight- A woman is fighting for her life as a result of spontaneous human combustion. SHC.


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[Assistant] When she was spotted by a passerby in the north German town of Flensburg.


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[Assistant] Well Ricky, that's not spontaneous human combustion. That's lighting yourself on fire. That's two different things.


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[Assistant] It's a fucking groundhog, that's why it's called Groundhog Day. It's not Sea Otter Day.


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[Assistant] So on Groundhog Day, you guys head to the beach and wait for the Sea Otter. Sea Otter Day, that's that fucking Sea World. Groundhog Day is...


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[Assistant] It's okay to chill out, but you don't- But just wait, Ricky. What actual resolution did you make? Because basically you just said... You're just gonna get fucked up all the time. Hello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm, I mean, I sort of piggybacking on yours with the healthy, healthy stuff, but I do have one official resolution that I made and I am going to stick to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a set of twins born on New Years. Eve won, like right before-


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[Assistant] Stroke midnight and one right after. So they're twins, but they're born in different years.


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[Assistant] And then, new years happens and then right after that, other baby born, twins.


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[Assistant] No, like if you get the, you know, you get the guide and stuff, it'd be like, you know, go up, you know, 500 feet, take a right, a fucking doggy, he's missing his arm and his fucking jaw.


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[Assistant] Probably not when you think about it, cause in the final stretch you're not gonna have, you know, oh fuck, he's only 20 feet from the top. He didn't make her.


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[Assistant] Depends on where they are, there could be 200 all scattered down low, you know, they might have slid down in the far or whatever.


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[Assistant] I'm not talking mango fucking pop. You wanna hear one of my facts? Bring it on, man. Listen to this, Ricky.


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[Assistant] How weird is that? That's pretty fucked up. Mary Bandolo.


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[Assistant] That's not her name. Mary Manilow. That's not Mary Manilow. No it isn't, it's Manny. Mary. Bannister?


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[Assistant] How's it going, bubs? Are we going? I don't know. Why are you sitting way over there, man? Where's Julian? He's not here? What do you mean he's not here? He doesn't fucking get to do these anymore?


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[Assistant] Rollin'? We're gonna talk about ballscapes too, because we were supposed to talk about that last week on the Halloween episode and we didn't get to it. Nutscapes. What did I say? Ballscapes. Oh. Same thing, nuts, balls, tomato, potato.


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[Assistant] I'm good. Hopefully you'll be a fucking good politician cause most of them are idiots and they're dicks.


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[Assistant] Oh, I'm hopin' it. The fuck is at the door? Complete that out.


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[Assistant] We're also sponsors. Who's that? Unfortunately, I actually got pictures of you on these fucking cards. Alright.


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[Assistant] How much have you had to drink today? It's fucking 11 a.m. This is a podcast, is it? That we're on?


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[Assistant] That was like weeks ago. What the fuck is he talking- Where are you going? You don't wanna talk about ballskates? I gotta have a piss. Don't fuck a piss in my trailer. Piss outside. Oh, Jesus, Murphy.


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[Assistant] Chugged it. I was gonna fuckin' drink that later. I was too, I was gonna have a drink that later.


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[Assistant] Okay, I get what you're saying now. No, he didn't fuck me for people who can't see. He didn't climb on top of me and just start pounding me. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He made me spill a fucking drink, which fucked me over. So Lee fucked me over. I can say that, right? Yes, that's more concise.


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[Assistant] Do one Ricky or what? I don't know, we could, I guess. Do you want to finish this first or? I'm not letting you shoot a knife, it's just teasing.


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[Assistant] I'm not letting you pull your unit out. I'll take a full shot of it all if you really want to see it. Sure you've seen it many times before.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't have done that. Why would I do that? I don't know, why would you even bring it up is the question. Why is it even a topic? Where did these fucking things come from? What are they? China is an end one, one child, one child policy.


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[Assistant] So you lived in the lands of the China, you can have one fucking kid, that's it. Well now they're apping it to two. Oh, so now you can actually have a brother or sister? That's what they basically said. No fucking brothers or sisters, you fucking assholes. Exactly. That's bullshit.


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[Assistant] It is bullshit, especially- Imagine trying to do that over here, I mean people over here are like fuck machines.


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[Assistant] You try to have one kid, they'd be like, no. Kid police? How the fuck do they know? How many kids you had? And what do they do? Come down and fucking rip it out of your hands and grind it up, like you said?


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[Assistant] That is so fucked. Well it's about time they got rid of that stupid policy. Wow, that's fucking great.


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[Assistant] I don't like, here's what I don't understand, where did it come from? Obviously...


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[Assistant] From a tractor, or somebody drove a tractor, or something. Maybe the guy invented it was a farmer, I guess. Tractor beams have nothing to do with tractors, Ricky. Why is it called a tractor beam?


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[Assistant] It's a stupid fucking name then. You should call it suck beam or what does it do exactly? It sucks you in, doesn't it?


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[Assistant] So this should call like a fuck off beam, or get the fuck back here beam, or a lasso beam, or... A lasso beam? A tractor beam, wow. Or maybe the first one someone was driving a tractor, that's what it is. Someone was driving a fucking tractor when they were testing it, and the beam fucking stopped the tractor, dead in its fucking tracks. Tractor beam.


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[Assistant] I like thinking about where things came from and that sort of stuff based on their words.


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[Assistant] I've been trying to figure that one out since I was a kid and I still don't really have much honor. I mean, Pauliton is kind of a politician.


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[Assistant] Neo kinda sounds like Neil, so maybe it was Neil the politician that invented it. And he liked pink, white and brown. I guess. I don't know. That's a tough one.


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[Assistant] It's one possibility, isn't it? Not really. I'll try to think of some other ones. Well, of Zamboni. That's a tough one.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, I've never heard of anybody with the name Zamboni and I know a lot of people. So, I mean, that would make sense if it was a guy named Tony Zamboni.


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[Assistant] Uh, where's that place where all the people have the names in it? Bony. I don't know, where is it? It's a... Germany? Spanish country maybe, or a... Italy? Italy. Yea. Pizza place. Yes. Tony Zamboni, from Italy. Invented the Zamboni. That would make sense, but I don't think that's the case.


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[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, so that's why originally maybe I thought that, but then I was trying to exam. Shazam. So it was like, I don't know. It's like check this fucking thing out.


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[Assistant] Shazam, they just got rid of the shuh. That doesn't make much sense. And the bony.


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[Assistant] I don't know, like is it bony, like ice is hard as bones, so it's, I don't know.


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[Assistant] That makes a fuckin' lot of sense, I bet you're right. Tony Zan invented his nickname Zamboni. Cause he worked for Collins. That makes sense. Good job, Bubs. Ricky, I was just fuckin'- Alright, raise the fuck now!


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[Assistant] I'm gonna have a little nap. We should get up around three and fucking start partying. He's gonna be past all night so we can be loud as fuck tonight.


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[Assistant] He's got a little face. It's a McBolt face. That's body.


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[Assistant] 10 o'clock she gets a double shot of brandy every fucking morning. Jucasa. Jucasa. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Boys, now, we've got a contract going. I know you guys don't deal with the contracts. I'm the one that has to do it. You're not allowed to talk about this shit. It's called a spoiler. It's not even out yet.


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[Assistant] Why do people pierce their nipples? That's what I wanna know. I don't understand it. Like why? Like why would you do that?


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[Assistant] Alright, I was seeing this chick, she works down with the aristocrat, okay, she had her nipples pierced, and...


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[Assistant] I didn't know what to fucking do with him, really. I was just like, woah. I wasn't expecting that.


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[Assistant] 6.4 billion in permanent potential losses of all this shit. It's, you know, they're talking about the...


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[Assistant] They're making you look stupid, by the way, okay? I'm saying this because you're a friend of mine. There's no such thing as Mount Canaveral. They're making you look like an idiot.


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[Assistant] I feel good now, Royce. Holy fuck.


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[Assistant] You guys are fucked over. Okay, we did a- we're doing another podcast.


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[Assistant] The big wheeler behind the big rig and you got a big taste for big wheeler beer. Let's get on the commercial business guys.


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[Assistant] Big wheeler. It's like a little fly in there, but it's not. It's a fuckin'. Ash, ash.


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[Assistant] Oh, you know what? I do remember now because you called it podcash. Podcash. Think about the money that's making it. Alright, I'm back. Let's get through this one and a half hour. I'm pumped. Good. I'm excited guys.


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[Assistant] You have one of those little sifters? Pour this through a sifter and get rid of all that. Oh well.


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[Assistant] There's a lot of them. Why is it nine? Is it more than four? That's usually the number. If it's more than four, then he did it. Oh, there's like fifty. So yea, he did it. That's fifty. That's five.


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[Assistant] What kind of guy needs pills to fucking get banged? I mean, come on. Especially Bill fucking Cosby. It's like, hey, I'm Bill Cosby.


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[Assistant] You're using as a pillow. Fuck off. You fuck off.


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[Assistant] So Bill Cosby's one of those people, is he? Well, that motherfucker needs to go to jail as much as I love him. I can't believe he would do that sort of stuff. Those poor fucking women. Yeaah, it's looking.


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[Assistant] Okay, that was a fun one to talk about. Oh yeaah, Bruce Jenner. Bruce Jenner. Oh, you gotta fuckin' ruin my fuckin' depression of the hip next? Great.


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[Assistant] And he's happy. And he's fucking helping people. He's a lady now. I got a pretty serious buzz on here right now. What the fuck are you talking about?


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[Assistant] Okay, good, because that would fucking freak you the fuck out for sure. So you're telling me he wanted to become a lady and... He's always felt like he was a woman, Rick.


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[Assistant] No, you know what? Fucking good for him. It's great for him. Is he happy?


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[Assistant] Turn it into like a whistle dog.


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[Assistant] I say if you wake up or you're born and you want to become a woman, fuck it. Who cares?


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[Assistant] Fuck it. That's right, Rick. I thought you guys were arguing with me.


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[Assistant] I zoned out there for a minute. Sorry. Are we still talking about Bruce Jenner? He's no longer Bruce Jenner. He's a woman. Caitlyn Jenner. Perfect.


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[Assistant] Love it. He's Gatlin Jenner. We need a slogan for this shit. For what? Bone Shaker? Bone Shaker.


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[Assistant] Take a drink, it'll make your bones shake. It does do that, but, uh...


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[Assistant] How does, how can beer make your bird hungry? Well, the more I drink, the more I wanna do some things to Lucy.


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[Assistant] We could be talking about where we're gonna go drinking right now, or where we wish we'd want to be drinking.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like right now we got a fucking little camera rolling here. These could be free fucking papers, no problem.


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[Assistant] No laws, fucking good seasons for growing.


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[Assistant] There's an island, bud. An island in your trailer? No. An island... No, we're talking about someone walks into the trailer and says, here you go, man. Yeah, like something somebody could actually hand to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do a fly pass over fucking Leahy's trailer.


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[Assistant] Fucking video games would be cool. Okay, we just mentioned that. What else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What else are we talking about here, guys? Shouldn't it be all about me? I've been talking a lot.


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[Assistant] Well, you just have to fucking swim or float, as some people say, through space. Get there.


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[Assistant] No air, man. No gravity. They're floating. Yea. Where do you float, guys? Where the fuck do you float?


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[Assistant] Can you swim on land? Can you float on land? Can you float in the air? Can you swim in the air?


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[Assistant] Jesus Murphy. These things combine together. Wow. Fuckin' good times. Uh.


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[Assistant] We talked about a plant that we may go and grow dope on at some point.


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[Assistant] Well what if they wanted people to go there and say, hey, fuck, can we grow shit on this thing? Pick me.


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[Assistant] Let's see what we can do, man. If they're looking for people to go there, we'll tell them you're ready to go, Rick. Fuck the times we had, boys.


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[Assistant] So the rocket goes up and crashes into this fucking thing.


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[Assistant] See it. I mean, you can see it when it's going over. Until I see them and say, hey ghost, or hey God, or whatever. You can't totally believe it. I mean, you believe it, but you know, like, in the back of my mind going, I don't know. These are scientists, man. They're not gonna fucking lie to you. They lied about the moon, didn't they? No one ever fucking went on the moon. Oh, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard some news, you know, the doggy, the bounty hunter guy. He's afraid to fucking go after this El Chapo. Yeah. What? Yeah, he's afraid. Said he's fucking out of his league.


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[Assistant] He's a fuckin' big, big drug lord, man. Yeah, man. Dog's like, you know what? Can't do it. Well, fuck. No shit.


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[Assistant] Why would he risk his life, man? He's got like pepper spray.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I mean, he did get fucked over, he did get arrested already in Mexico for trying to, you know, been showing off or whatever.


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[Assistant] Alright, what's going on? Here? Let's just see something. Hopefully something fucking good, because this has been a really shitty... This is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did he? It must have been obvious. He must have been wearing shorts. Ran down his leg. Yeah, that could have happened. I don't think so, man.


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[Assistant] Well, you know what, I'd say I'd average once a month, maybe. Times that by...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off and on, let's talk about something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably not, but you know, sometimes you get pretty drunk, and you're like, fuck, you're laying there, so fucked up, you're like, body stoned, going, I cannot get out of the car at the best. I'll deal with it in the morning.


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[Assistant] No, no, I mean, whatever I'm wearing absorbs most of it. It's just pretty much pure alcohol anyway. It evaporates.


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[Assistant] It's pretty much impossible to get up and piss. Trust me. Done.


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[Assistant] For so many times, so many hours, but fuck, you got an eight hour fucking buzz on from four weed brownies, buddy.


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[Assistant] We'll cut around this as well. This is what you got yourself into, okay? Let's just wrap this up.


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[Assistant] Did you say pitch yourself or shoot yourself? Sorry. I missed the first part.


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[Assistant] Everybody pisses and shits themselves, okay? Let's just move on and finish up this podcast with


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[Assistant] I would have a beer. How about maybe you have some ice here? Next time we do- Just wait, here's another headline. Fucking Jesus.


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[Assistant] What do you want to have to show, Ricky? I've seen it. It was great. When? You were there too, Babs. How fucked up were you? Yea, you saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like the old saying, I won't tell anybody you got splinters in your lips if you don't tell them I got a wooden cock.


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[Assistant] It's not as gross as thunder from down under. Does that mean like, males are up there farting everywhere?


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[Assistant] I didn't, yeaah. I didn't get all of it. So, we don't have any.


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[Assistant] No, I don't, I'll just keep eating the candy. What's all, you got stuff to you to talk about? Is there anything you want to talk about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to Cocktops, Tarot Den, Tarot Tops, Fuck Den. Listen to this one, boys. There's a man from Vietnam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's his real name, but I mean, in Vietnam, it doesn't, it doesn't mean fuck that bitch, it just means...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine getting pulled over and handing out to a police officer, especially if it was a female police officer. License and registration. Fuck that bitch. Oh, what's your name? Fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Yeah. I don't know. Fuck that bitch. Alright. He could lose Milne. Yeah. Fuck bitch. Fuck bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just, just call him bitch. What up, bitch? Why don't you just call him Robert?


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[Assistant] I'm sorry, I didn't read the whole fucking article, I just read the headline. It's stupid. It's not stupid.


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[Assistant] For thousands of years, but, you know, there's different alligators.


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[Assistant] Not sitting here talking with fucking alligators foreskins I guess, or fucking guys with fuck bitch names, and guys with big... Wands. I'll give you 20 minutes to get that off my shoulder. I'll give you 20 minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's this one here? I haven't seen this one. Yea, that's, that's, that's it, yea. Kind of looks like Jesus, too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whore tens banging whores. Well, he might've been banging whores.


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[Assistant] He's a bit of a drunk, wasn't he? Was he? He might have been feeding them, you know, nicotine and coffee too, getting them all cranked up, getting them horned up, you know. Cruelers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the mild or the fucking crazy shit? It's the, how you do it, I'm happy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we were supposed to be at that fucking game, but you fucked that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, he doesn't know how to pay, that's somebody that does not know how to pay himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, that's fair. I don't know if you want to be taking that drug though, it's kind of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but you know, you're talking about like Hollywood cops, man. You go on the offense with them, they'll tase you, they'll do whatever. Yeah, but then you can sue them. Cause they know it's gonna make all the fucking headlines.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if your whole, I don't know if your, the way you do it is gonna work for those people out there, man. I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd like to see that. Actually, if you could start doing that, that'd be, you know, something that would...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's a ball you can see like in a Clint Eastwood movie, right? I'm sitting around the table, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey folks, Aaron here. This is a quick PSA for those of you who subscribe here, but also listen to the podcast on a typical podcast app, but I will try to keep it brief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's talk for a moment about podcast ads. On the podcast version of lore, you're going to hear two kinds of ads. Some are voiced by me and those are ads that I approved of personally, which makes sense, right? I mean, seeing as how I recorded them with my own mouth.


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[Assistant] Pre-made by these companies themselves. They're put into a directory. They've got those flashing sounds and all sorts of stuff. They really sound like TV commercials without the visuals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the podcast industry term for that kind of advertisement is called programmatic. And here's the important thing that I need you to remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't get individually approved like the ones that I record with my own voice. I don't go through each specific ad and say yes or no.


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[Assistant] Which means that if you hear an ad in that radio or TV style, you cannot assume that I support the message that ad says. Now I'm bringing this up because of a new problem that a lot of podcasters are having with these programmatic ads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, these ads, like I said, are sorted into categories. Things like outdoor living, or automotive, or vacations. Think of it like music. When you want to listen to music, you might say, I want hip hop, or I want rock, or I want classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you can turn on or off these ad categories based on what sort of topics you want or want to avoid on your podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personally, I prefer to avoid hot button topics in my ads, so I have the political category turned off, as most other podcasters do.


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[Assistant] But political activist groups, PACs, know this. So they've started to categorize their ads deceptively. A way to get around these filters. So they might instead place their ad into a charity category to avoid getting blocked by podcasts that have the political category turned off.


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[Assistant] Which is why from time to time, you might hear a programmatic ad on lore that talks about a political candidate or something like guns or abortion. And here's the thing that I need you to understand the most.


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[Assistant] When you hear those sorts of ads, I did not pick them. In fact, I specifically requested not to allow them into my episodes.


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[Assistant] But because some organizations are cheating the system, I only find out about those ads when a kind listener like you writes and tells me about it.


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[Assistant] If you ever hear an ad like this, please don't get upset and unsubscribe. Instead, send me a message so I can fix it. I can have that ad turned off and flagged in the system as deceptive.


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[Assistant] You can leave a comment here. You can send a private message to the lore account on Instagram or even say something to us on threads. I've even created an email address specifically for these issues so you can send the name of the advertiser to me directly at ads at lorepodcast.com


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[Assistant] Look folks, I want Lore to always be secure so I can cover the production costs and pay my team their well-earned salaries and make sure they have essentials like health insurance.


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[Assistant] And the truth is that the way ads work in podcasts now has evolved so much in the past decade that podcasters simply cannot avoid these radio style ads. We either allow them and earn enough to cover our costs.


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[Assistant] Or we refuse them entirely and miss out on a massive chunk of revenue.


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[Assistant] They are simply the new primary way that companies are spending their ad dollars and the new primary way that podcasters are earning a living. So that's why I'm telling you about it. You can help me fight those crooked companies who put the kinds of ads I specifically blocked into categories where they don't belong.


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[Assistant] Please be patient with me. Extend a bit of grace when you hear a questionable ad and always, always feel free to reach out or email ads at lorepodcast.com if you hear one.


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[Assistant] And that's it. That's our family meeting for today. I'll get off my soapbox and I will let you enjoy some more creepy stories. Until next time, stay spooky.


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[Assistant] Welcome to Lore Legends, a subset of lore episodes that explore the strange tales we whisper in the dark, even if they can't always be proven by the history books. So if you're ready, let's begin.


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[Assistant] It seems that there's a name for everything. A group of flamingos, for example, is known as a flamboyance. The fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth is called arachibutyrophobia. And people who aren't passionate about cemeteries are said to be tapophiles.


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[Assistant] Taffophilia is defined as a love for death rituals, funerals, and cemeteries. Someone with this special fondness might linger in cemeteries and draw the graves they see, or do rubbings of the headstones. They also take plenty of photographs and are sometimes called grave hunters or even gravers.


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[Assistant] But there is one cemetery that echoes in the minds of taffophiles everywhere, and Georgia in specific. In fact, it's one of the most beautiful burial sites in America, but its long and sordid history has endowed it with a dark reputation.


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[Assistant] The souls interred there are said to churn and wail for a peace that never comes. It turns out a number of those who have been laid to rest in its soil were just as troubled in life as they are in death. Some ended things on their own, while others had their lives taken from them without warning.


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[Assistant] It's such a turbulent place that even the gravestones have been known to act out toward visitors, which is why this place is often spoken of in whispers, so as not to disturb the restless spirits still searching for their salvation.


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[Assistant] Savannah, Georgia is considered by many to be the most haunted city in America. No doubt in large part to the notable and notorious cemetery that sits just three miles from downtown.


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[Assistant] Bonaventure Cemetery is located on the banks of the Wilmington River. It occupies over 100 acres of land, purchased way back in 1846. But the first body wasn't buried there until three years later.


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[Assistant] Originally, they called it Evergreen Cemetery of Bonaventure. Of course, that's a bit of a mouthful, so the locals started simply calling it Bonaventure, and the moniker stuck.


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[Assistant] Its establishment was part of the Victorian rural cemetery movement, which envisioned these burial places as peaceful, idyllic landscapes where people could take leisurely walks or maybe have a picnic among the dead. In fact, these sites spurred the development of public parks across the United States.


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[Assistant] Now, Bonaventure is not without its problems. The land it sits on used to be part of a 600-acre plantation also named Bonaventure, founded 100 years prior.


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[Assistant] It belonged to two families, one named Tattnall and the other named Mulryne. These families had long remained loyal to King George during the time of the revolution, and when Josiah Tattnall II's wife passed away, she was buried on the property.


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[Assistant] During and after the war, the land served a number of purposes. It was an escape route for British royal governor James Wright, as well as a hospital for wounded French and Haitian soldiers following the first siege of Savannah. In fact, historians believe some of these soldiers remain buried in unmarked graves all over the property.


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[Assistant] But the Tattnall family eventually sold the land off in 1846 to local businessman Peter Wiltberger. He began its conversion into a formal cemetery before his death in 1853, at which point his son William took over the project.


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[Assistant] Now the mythology surrounding Bonaventure started circulating only a year after its formal establishment. In 1859, a special correspondent to New Orleans Daily Picayune newspaper wrote of a troubled clergyman who sadly took his own life there. He had hoped that his body would be buried in its peaceful shades.


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[Assistant] Then, almost a decade later, a 29-year-old naturalist named John Muir stopped by during his famous thousand-mile walk.


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[Assistant] He'd come from Indiana, on his way to Florida, between September and October of 1867, with only a handful of items in tow. He carried with him a backpack, inside of which were a comb, a towel, a plant press, a Bible, a copy of Paradise Lost by Milton, his journal, and one thing that no traveler should ever be without, a change of underwear.


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[Assistant] His journal wasn't published until 1916, though, two years after his death, but within its pages are notes about his trip to Bonaventure.


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[Assistant] There, thought I, is an ideal place for a penniless wanderer. There, no superstitious prowling mischief-maker dares venture for fear of haunting ghosts, while for me, there will be God's rest and peace.


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[Assistant] He'd been waiting for money from his brother back in Wisconsin, which still had not yet shown up. So Muir spent five nights in the cemetery, sleeping in a small hut that he built for himself, far from the walking paths where people could see him.


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[Assistant] John Muir went on to found the Sierra Club and was later known as the unofficial father of the National Parks, a passion which was undoubtedly inspired, at least in part, by his trip to Bonaventure.


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[Assistant] The city of Savannah wound up buying the site in 1907 and changing the name once and for all to Bonaventure Cemetery.


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[Assistant] Its beauty has been expounded on by local tour guides, historians,


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[Assistant] And John Muir himself. He noted specifically its live oak trees dripping with Spanish moss. Elsewhere throughout the cemetery are azaleas and camellias that provide pops of color to help balance the depressing gray hues that permeate any graveyard.


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[Assistant] Among the cemetery's more famous denizens are musician Johnny Mercer and poet Conrad Aiken, both of whom can be visited via a free tour offered by the Bonaventure Historical Society.


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[Assistant] But don't let the beauty fool you. The burial grounds' pastoral scenery hides some truly spooky legends. And unlike the dead who are interred beneath the soil, the stories are very much alive.


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[Assistant] John Muir may have written about the oak trees that soar high above the gravestones with their long moss that hangs down with a sense of sadness, but he didn't mention Bonaventure's angel statues. According to local legend, they're said to change their facial expressions and even their locations in the blink of an eye.


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[Assistant] According to one report, it's been said that people have turned their backs to the angels for a moment, only to turn around again and catch them standing feet away from where they had originally been. Doctor Who fans, be forewarned.


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[Assistant] Then there's the sound of crying heard near one baby's grave, as well as children giggling beside another.


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[Assistant] One of Bonaventure's more famous spiritual residents, though, has been Corinne Lawton, who died at the age of 30 in 1877.


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[Assistant] She had been the daughter of a Confederate soldier, Brigadier General Alexander Robert Lawton, who was buried in the family plot with her parents' grave located behind hers. Their burial site is marked with the statue of Jesus standing at the gates of heaven.


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[Assistant] But Corinne's grave also bears her own statue, one that depicts a woman draped in a loose-fitting garment staring off into the distance.


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[Assistant] She is similar to the morning lady statues popular during the Victorian era, but this figure is more than a monument. She has been said to smile at people that she likes who walk by, and those who give her a frown are met with a similar expression.


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[Assistant] Corinne's father had the statue commissioned in 1879 to stand over her original gravesite in Savannah's Laurel Grove Cemetery. But she and the monument were moved to Bonaventure in 1898 after the death of her mother. So how did Corinne Lawton die?


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[Assistant] Well, that story explains why her statue faces away from the rest of the family's graves. According to the legend, Corrine met a man well below her status. Her wealthy and respected family forbade her from marrying him. Instead, they arranged a marriage with another man, someone from Savannah with money and cachet.


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[Assistant] Of course, she had no interest in marrying that guy, but her father gave her no choice. This wedding was going to happen whether she wanted it to or not, so Corinne, refusing to give up her independence, stole her father's horse the day before the wedding, she rode it to the edge of the Savannah River, and jumped in, drowning herself.


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[Assistant] Historians believe that it's more likely that she died of a short illness given that her frail condition, her high fever, and final moments were recorded by her mother in a personal diary.


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[Assistant] But Corinne Lawton's story is one of many that have become a part of Bonaventure's history. Of course, avid readers may recognize the cemetery's other claim to fame. John Barron's 1994 non-fiction novel, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.


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[Assistant] The book has generated several legends about the place, including the subject of its famous cover, the Bird Girl statue, which is a story for a little later.


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[Assistant] Within Midnight's Pages is a story told by a woman named Mary Hardy about the plantation house that once stood on the land where Bonaventure is located today.


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[Assistant] She claimed it burned to the ground in the late 1700s during a dinner party. While guests were eating their meals, the butler approached the host and calmly whispered that a fire had spread to the roof and was out of control.


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[Assistant] The host, refusing to let his party end, tapped his silverware against the glass as though he was proposing a toast and instructed everyone to take their plates outside into the garden. The servants picked up the dinner table and surrounding chairs and carried them outside where everyone resumed eating.


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[Assistant] The host then proceeded to tell funny stories to entertain everyone, after which the guests toasted him, the house, and their delicious dinner. When the tributes were over, the host threw his crystal glass against a nearby oak, and then everyone else did the same.


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[Assistant] As Barrett wrote in his book, tradition has it that if you listen closely on quiet nights you can still hear the laughter and the shattering of crystal glasses.


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[Assistant] Even today, tour guides like to mention an eerie experience they claim is common in that spot. The sounds of celebrating voices and breaking glass.


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[Assistant] You can tell a lot about a place by how much traffic it gets. In Bonaventure Cemetery one of the most visited graves belongs to a girl who died at the age of six.


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[Assistant] Her name was Gracie Watson, although everyone today just calls her Little Gracie. She was born on July 10th of 1882, the only child of W.J. and Frances Watson. The family had come to Savannah after Gracie's father was hired to manage the opulent Pulaski House Hotel.


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[Assistant] During the 19th century, the Pulaski House was a hotspot for many big events in town, and a destination for a number of important guests over the years. Interestingly enough, the hotel was built by Peter Wiltberger, who had founded Evergreen Cemetery.


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[Assistant] Gracie Watson was a beloved fixture at the Pulaski. The Bonaventure Historical Society refers to her as a, and I quote, Victorian version of the famous Eloise of the Plaza Hotel in New York City. She was known to dance around the lobby and sing to the guests, putting on shows for them.


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[Assistant] And then, early in the morning of April 22nd of 1889, Gracie passed away. It was the day after Easter. The local papers listed her cause of death as blood poisoning superinduced by a severe attack of pneumonia. She was only six years old at the time.


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[Assistant] Her funeral took place at the Pulaski Hotel, and she was buried at Bonaventure, back when it was still known as Evergreen Cemetery. Her grave, originally marked by a basic tombstone, looks similar to others around her, but her grief-stricken father wanted more.


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[Assistant] In 1890, he commissioned a local sculptor named John Walls to make a life-size marble statue of his daughter.


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[Assistant] Working off of photographs of Gracie, Walls crafted a sculpture that looked eerily like her. And her form was shaped to make it look like she was leaning with one arm on an ivy-covered stump seated on a platform with the word, Gracie, etched in ornamental letters.


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[Assistant] And that statue has become a popular attraction at Bonaventure. So much so that it's now surrounded by a wrought iron fence, which was installed back in 1999 after the statue had been subjected to years of vandalism. Its nose had been chipped off by people throwing stones at it. Over time, exposure to the elements wore it down even further.


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[Assistant] Eventually, Gracie's parents left Savannah. They were buried in Manan's New York upon their death, far from their little girl back in Georgia. In fact, one reason Gracie gets so many visitors today is because people feel so sorry that she's all by herself in Bonaventure. Although, it could also be another reason.


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[Assistant] You see, some say that rubbing the statue will bring you good luck, while others claim that putting a quarter on the statue's hand and walking around it three times in a circle will cause the quarter to vanish. But of course, not all legends are as wholesome as those. It's been rumored that if you steal a gift from her gravesite, her statue will cry blood.


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[Assistant] Whether that might be the spirit of Gracie herself is up for debate, especially since witnesses have spotted her ghost everywhere. Immediately following her death, her mother and the hotel staff claim to hear her laughter echoing through the hallways, as though she was still there, playing and entertaining guests.


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[Assistant] Today, a little girl in a white dress has been seen running around and playing in Savannah's Johnson Square before disappearing into thin air. Johnson Square, by the way, was the original location of the Pulaski Hotel.


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[Assistant] As I mentioned earlier, Bonaventure Cemetery is home to a special statue known as Bird Girl. Standing at 50 inches tall and made of bronze, Bird Girl was sculpted by artist Sylvia Shaw Judson back in 1936. Judson's work was so revered, it appeared in several notable art museums and even in the White House.


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[Assistant] Funny enough, Bird Girl does not have a single bird anywhere on the statue. Instead, it depicts a girl with her head tilted to the left and a shallow bowl held up in each hand. It had been modeled on an eight-year-old girl named Lorraine Greenman from Chicago.


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[Assistant] Now, Lorraine's father had been a tailor, raising his family on what little he made. Their lives were rough, but he and his wife did their best to elevate their daughters culturally, even if they couldn't do so financially. So Lorraine and her sister often wore nice clothes and attended dance classes regularly.


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[Assistant] Judson, the sculptor, happened to be in the audience of one of their dance recitals when she laid eyes on Lorraine. She immediately knew that she would be the perfect model for her planned sculpture. It had been commissioned by a family in Massachusetts who wanted a bird feeder for their garden.


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[Assistant] Of the four statues that were made, one went to that Massachusetts family while another ended up in Washington, D.C. The third stayed in Illinois, but the fourth had been purchased for the Trosdell family plot at Bonaventure Cemetery. Lucy Boyd Trosdell, who had bought the sculpture, named her Little Windy.


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[Assistant] In 1993, publishing company Random House commissioned local photographer Jack Lee to shoot the cover for John Barron's upcoming novel, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. Several scenes in the novel took place in Bonaventure, and Barron suggested to Lee that it might be a good place to shoot for the cover.


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[Assistant] He spent two days in the cemetery snapping photos, but it was toward the end of his second day when he spotted the bird girl statue. The sun had begun to set, so he worked quickly, taking his shot with the sculpture perfectly centered and light pouring through the oak trees around her.


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[Assistant] And as you've probably guessed, Midnights in the Garden of Good and Evil became a bestseller. And as a result, Bonaventure Cemetery turned into a major tourist destination. People flocked to Savannah to see the iconic statue that had been featured on the book's cover. And pretty soon, those crowds turned into a problem.


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[Assistant] Nearby plots were trampled by careless visitors, and some even tried to take pieces of the sculpture home with them. One person managed to back up his truck and make off with a sundial from the cemetery.


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[Assistant] The statue was eventually moved into hiding by the Trosdell family before it was donated to Savannah's Telfer Museum. Today, Bonaventure's landscape has changed considerably and cemetery officials refuse to reveal the location of the Trosdell plot to tourists.


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[Assistant] But that doesn't stop them from hunting for it, nor does it quell the rumors that the statue was haunted by the ghost of Lorraine Greenman, the young girl who posed for it. Although, that's not likely, considering she died just last year, in 2022, at the age of 94.


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[Assistant] She lived a full, peaceful life, and according to her obituary, she was extremely proud to have been the model for the bird girl statue.


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[Assistant] Judging by our tour today through Savannah's most famous graveyard, there's a big lesson we can all take away. The people we love might eventually pass, but their stories have the potential to live forever.


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[Assistant] And amazingly, Bonaventure isn't the only burial ground in Savannah that's home to legend. We've got one more storied location to share with you. Stick around through this brief sponsor break to hear all about it.


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[Assistant] Believe it or not, Bonaventure isn't the only haunted burial ground in Savannah. One of the oldest in the city is Colonial Park Cemetery, having been founded a century before Bonaventure. It grew rapidly, too, essentially tripling in size by 1789.


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[Assistant] But space is never limitless, so it eventually filled up and closed to burials in 1853.


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[Assistant] Today there are over 9,000 graves there, and many of them have stories to tell.


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[Assistant] Visitors to Colonial Park have claimed to hear mysterious voices while walking its paths. Shadowy apparitions have also been seen. Where did they come from? Well, local ghost tours assert that the cemetery had been the city's unofficial dueling grounds for years.


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[Assistant] This belief was most likely spread thanks to the presence of two dueling politicians on the property. Declaration of Independence signer Button Gwinnett, then a rival named Lachlan McIntosh. It probably doesn't help that the victim of another high-profile duel, James Wilde, is also buried there.


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[Assistant] Its dueling ground status is up for debate among historians, but one dark moment from the past is undisputed. Colonial Park Cemetery is home to a mass grave for 700 victims of yellow fever.


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[Assistant] On top of all of that, during the Civil War, Union soldiers who camped there were said to have desecrated the cemetery, altering headstone inscriptions with their bayonets, moving graves around, and even looting burial vaults. And that couldn't have made the spirits feel at peace.


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[Assistant] But Colonial Park is probably best known for one particular ghost, Rene Rondelaire. In fact, his story is talked about so often, the cemetery goes by the nickname Rene's Playground.


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[Assistant] Renee was born in a blue collar area of Savannah called Follies Alley, somewhere between the 1770s and the 1800s.


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[Assistant] He was allegedly a big baby, too, weighing in at a whopping 16 pounds. According to the legend, the doctor had to break his mother's pelvis in order to deliver him, and some say that he was covered in fur when he arrived. Little is known of his childhood, but by the time he was fully grown, they say he measured well over seven feet tall.


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[Assistant] He spoke no English and knew only a limited amount of French since his mother Maria was of French descent. René was known to stalk Folly's alley at night, catching all kinds of animals like stray cats and dogs or squirrels to play with. Unfortunately, he didn't understand certain concepts like right and wrong or dead and alive.


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[Assistant] When he played with these creatures, he would inevitably break their necks due to his unwieldy strength. One legend spoke of a wall that was erected to protect the townspeople from René. It had been designed to keep him in his home, but proved to be ineffective. He would simply break out and roam the streets in search of things to play with.


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[Assistant] Until one day, when it became clear that the cats and dogs he had killed weren't enough. That was the day the body of a young girl was discovered in Folly's alley, and her neck had been broken.


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[Assistant] Renee's neighbors believed that he'd been responsible, and so they formed a mob to carry out their own brand of law and order. Once they found him, a group of men lifted him up and strung a noose around his neck, before hanging him from a large oak tree.


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[Assistant] It said that he dangled there for some time, kicking and twitching and struggling to breathe. His neck was so thick that it wouldn't break easily.


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[Assistant] Some stories say that he was hanged in the cemetery itself. Other versions claim that he was hanged in Warren Square, about a quarter mile away. It's also been rumored that he was killed in a nearby swamp. Unfortunately, the mob's justice was anything but swift, because children continued to be murdered in the neighborhood. Perhaps Renee had been innocent the whole time.


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[Assistant] As for the oak tree from which he was hanged, it still stands there today and is widely believed to live within the borders of Colonial Park Cemetery. Those who visit the site have mentioned seeing René Rondelaire's ghost hanging from it. Many others have witnessed him walking through the graveyard.


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[Assistant] But there's one more interesting piece that casts a shadow over the whole story. There is no evidence that Renée Rondelaire ever existed. It's been suggested that the tale may have been influenced by Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein, or by the character of Lenny from John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men. Perhaps we'll never know.


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[Assistant] As they say, dead men tell no tales, even when they're said to roam through one of Savannah's legendary haunted cemeteries.


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[Assistant] This episode of Lore Legends was produced by me, Aaron Manke, with writing by Harry Marks, and research by Cassandra De Elba. Lore is much more than just a podcast, there's a book series available in bookstores and online, and two seasons of the television show on Amazon Prime Video. Check them both out if you want more Lore in your life.


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[Assistant] Information about all of that and more is available over at lorepodcast.com.


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[Assistant] You can also follow this show on threads, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. Just search for lore podcast, all one word, and click that follow button. And when you do say hi, I like it when people say hi. And as always, thanks for listening.


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[Assistant] That was one of my favorite middle school toys. Now, keep in mind, I grew up in the middle of the 1980s, so there were a lot of favorites to pick from. Transformers, G.I. Joe, Mask, and He-Man. All the classics you'd expect. And of course, the always popular Lego.


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[Assistant] Sadly, I don't remember what this toy was called, but I can describe it.


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[Assistant] It was a tray that held three pieces of plastic that combined to form one larger plate, and on each of them were raised drawings. The full set had a number of complete drawings of fantastic creatures, but the plates had been split into top, middle, and lower thirds, allowing kids to mix and match them.


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[Assistant] Want the feet of a bear but the torso of a dragon and a human head? Just find the pieces and put them together. And when you've built the perfect set, you could place a piece of paper over all of them and rub a crayon over the raised drawings, giving you the perfect homebrewed coloring page to complete.


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[Assistant] It's an ancient fascination, really. The combination of various parts into an unnatural hybrid.


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[Assistant] It's been a feature of the sci-fi genre for nearly a century and a half, too, showing up in early hits like The Island of Dr. Moreau by H.G. Wells, and modern blockbusters like Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3. It seems that we will never get tired of remixing the world around us.


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[Assistant] As you'd expect, this hasn't always been done for pure entertainment. In a world before photography and instant global publishing, news traveled glacially slow, giving it the chance to shift and change over time.


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[Assistant] One whispered story of a mysterious animal could easily become a larger than life legend of a monster that most people were only too happy to believe.


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[Assistant] Of course, believability isn't the same thing as truth. But throughout history, folklore has put a handful of creatures on the map that represent the opposite problem. Stories that are fantastical in almost every way, and yet, despite centuries of exploration and scientific advancement, have left us with an unsettling possibility. Some of them, it seems, might actually be real. I'm Aaron Manke, and this is Lore.


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[Assistant] It's the sort of thing that you'd expect to see in one of those historical mystery thrillers like The Da Vinci Code. A large Renaissance manuscript, complete with decorative drop caps and rustic typesetting, and on nearly every page, the woodcut of some new, oftentimes strange, type of creature.


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[Assistant] A lot of books like that have been published over the centuries, but if you want a gigantic 4,500 page exploration of that sort of thing, Historia Animalia by Konrad Gesner is the place to start. But be warned, it's certainly a thick journey to take.


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[Assistant] Gesner was a Swiss naturalist and physician, born in 1516 in the city of Zurich.


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[Assistant] Some historians refer to him as the Swiss Pliny, hinting at the Roman historical writer Pliny the Elder. And maybe that's okay. Gesner certainly was prolific. Over the course of his career, he published 72 books and left another 18 manuscripts behind when he died in 1565 at the young age of just 49.


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[Assistant] Historia Animalia was his five-volume masterwork. Each book focused on a different type of living creature, with one on birds, another on reptiles, and yet another on land animals who gave birth to live young rather than through eggs. But the one I want to guide you toward today was all about fish, and inside that massive tome are some pretty amazing creatures.


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[Assistant] Take, for example, the sea monk. No, this wasn't an aquatic spin-off of the hit detective comedy show. These creatures were first spotted as far back as the 1200s, and documented by a guy named Albertus Magnus. He was a scientist and philosopher, as well as a Dominican friar, and he brought all of those skills into his description.


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[Assistant] The sea monk was a mysterious fish that had a head covered in white flesh, except for a band of darker color near the top. It reminded people of the way monks would shave the tops of their heads, leaving a band of hair just above their ears. But below that human-like feature, the sea monk had the mouth and teeth of a fish.


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[Assistant] And they weren't very nice, apparently. Legend has it that these creatures would lure travelers out of their ships and into the water, after which the sea monk would capture them and drag them down into the depths and would then eat them.


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[Assistant] People were still talking about the sea monk centuries later, too. A French naturalist wrote about the creature in the mid-1500s, although he called it a monkfish, not to be confused with the real monkfish that we know today.


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[Assistant] A lot of the French accounts of the creature seem to pinpoint its home as the Baltic Sea in the waters off the coast of Sweden.


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[Assistant] So, when Gesner published his collection of aquatic animals, he included the popular sea monk in the book. He pretty much borrowed everything from the French stories from just a couple of years earlier, and even reproduced the same illustration.


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[Assistant] Although, to be fair, it's an image that would fit better into an episode of Scooby-Doo than Aquaman. The drawing shows what appears to be a frightened or excited monk, a real human religious guy, wearing what looks like a fish outfit. It's honestly not very frightening at all, but pretty dang entertaining regardless. And then there was the Sea Bishop.


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[Assistant] First spotted at the southern end of the Baltic Sea near Poland, this fishy monster was immediately brought to the king. It's said that once it was standing before the ruler, this sea bishop made gestures that suggested that it wanted to go back into the water, possibly even making the sign of the cross. Hence the name, right? Sea Bishop.


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[Assistant] The illustration that accompanies this creature in Gesner's book shows a mostly humanoid figure standing on two legs, arms stretched out to show pointy fingers, and a bishop's hat upon its head. Honestly, the only thing fishy about the drawing at all is that the guy's shirt and hat are covered in scales.


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[Assistant] A couple more examples for those of you who love a good fantastical menagerie. Gesner did manage to include sea monsters that weren't members of the clergy. One of those was the ichthyocentaur, which was basically just fish centaurs. They had the upper body of a human, the back legs of a horse, and the tail of a fish.


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[Assistant] Gesner himself referred to them as sea satyr, or sea demons. But if you're trying to conjure up images of a normal centaur with a fish tail stapled on, you'd be wrong. Gesner's illustrations show something more hideous, with a face like a dog, human arms that end in crab-like claws, and the long, curving body of a fish.


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[Assistant] And lastly, there's the sea monkey. Technically referred to as the Cymia Marina in Gesner's writings, the sea monkey looks absolutely nothing like those ads you used to find in the back of old comic books. What did they look like? Well, the illustration shows what is essentially a fish with the head of a monkey. A monkey whose fanged mouth is open in a horrifying scream.


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[Assistant] And look, these are fun creatures to explore, aren't they? Ancient sketches that represent the artist's whimsical creativity more than real life experience.


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[Assistant] Konrad Gesner's Simia Marina and Catholic Fish combos honestly just seemed like bizarre fantasies, overactive imaginations that created a hybrid of what we know and what we fear.


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[Assistant] Two centuries later though, a respected naturalist would make a report that called all of these notions into question.


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[Assistant] Sometimes we have to know the person before we can understand their work. George Steller was born in what is today Germany back in 1709 and eventually trained as a botanist and a surgeon. And those were skills that led him to Russia, where he worked as a physician to an archbishop in St. Petersburg.


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[Assistant] Now, Steller was an interesting fellow. His hero was another German naturalist named Daniel Messerschmidt.


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[Assistant] The hero might not be strong enough of a word for his obsession. When Messerschmitt died in 1735, Steller apparently sought out and wooed the man's widow, Brigitta. They got married two years later. Like I said, Steller was obsessed.


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[Assistant] Their marriage wouldn't last long though. Less than a year after their wedding, Stellar headed out on a scientific expedition and he would never return. But the experiences and writings that he left behind highlighted a different kind of marriage. The intersection of folklore and evidence.


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[Assistant] In 1740, George Steller found himself on board a ship called the St. Peter, which was part of a mission to sail east from Russia and up into the Northern Pacific in what some historians call the Great Northern Expedition, looking for a passage from Russia to North America.


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[Assistant] And if that makes you think of things like the Bering Sea and the Bering Strait off the coast of Alaska, you're right on target. In fact, the captain of the ship that Stellar was on was a Dutch guy named Vitus Bering.