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[Assistant] He called her from Dallas, you know that famous picture of him on the plane? He called her right before that. I need your vagina to be my president, my vice president.


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[Assistant] There's like a, uh, uh, transitionary guy cause he was, he was so British. He was a British general and he wasn't like, uh,


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[Assistant] You know, he wasn't born in the, he didn't create America, it wasn't even his idea. He was just a tool, he was the first general president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I know, but he wasn't like, he was a Brit, he was a Brit. Yea, he fought in the French and Indian wars.


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[Assistant] In that war? In fact, also kind of- Everybody sucked in the wars, though. Everything he did was retreating. It was luck to be- to win anything then. Yeaah. He was good at-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like his number one thing. Which is very good in war. Otherwise you lose once, he would fight again because he retreated so well.


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[Assistant] Well, most of the guys, uh, it was so hard, like a lot of the army didn't want to be there and didn't have to be there. It's crazy, like 1776, the year that Washington did all, all that insane shit. It's crazy that people kept, they kept expecting the army to flee.


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[Assistant] But they hung in there with, with little, it's not like they were like, we're making America that's coming later.


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[Assistant] So he's, he's as good as they were, basically. And it's not, you know, you picture him on this horse, like talking, but no, most of them didn't even look at the guy. They didn't see him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Washington, I never really, I mean the great thing he did was leaving when it was time to go. It was like the thing, cause he, a lot of them wanted him to be king.


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[Assistant] According to the HBO series about John Adams. Yea, but I looked into it. Washington said, I want Mr. President.


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[Assistant] By the way, president, like to talk about that word for a second, what a president is, like just for, just an overall president thought here. Why I love about presidents.


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[Assistant] Is there, is that it's a human being, it's a person. And to me, like, it's like, uh, you know, like some college professors teach the Bible as literature. You know what I mean? Like they don't teach the Bible as religious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Subject, they teach it as like, what it's done for history and what the stories are about and you know that kind of thing. I look at US presidents that way, I don't have a political view about any of them. I just think they're fucking fascinating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And president, the word by itself, like your president is nothing. It's not, you're not a leader.


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[Assistant] You're not a, uh, ruler. You don't rule. You preside.


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[Assistant] I mean that's literally what it means is that there's a whole group of people.


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[Assistant] Uh, that are running the government by the people's will and you preside. You just happen to be there. It's like in the Senate, whenever they show people in the Senate speaking, they always say Mr. President over and over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're speaking to whoever is presiding. It's never the vice president is literally the president of the senate, but it's whoever takes the chair that day. Who's presiding? It's a, it's an incidental title.


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[Assistant] Right, he was the first one to go, I could stay, but I'm, uh, let's get this going. Let's get this started. There's some famous moment where he was speaking to the Congress and they were trying to get him to king himself.


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[Assistant] And he was apparently really vain about that he wore glasses so no one ever saw him with glasses on. And so the moment that's supposed to be this shocking moment was that he took out his glasses and put them on and he said like, I fear I didn't see you.


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[Assistant] I like to think that if he did, like he was really hoping if he missed, he's like, I fear I didn't see. And they're all like, yeah, you wear glasses. We all.


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[Assistant] See what I'm saying? And they're all like, George. It's also a good moment for him to be like,


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[Assistant] Also, he wasn't, again, none of these people knew the future. He didn't know that he was giving away the keys to later nuclear war America. True, yeaah. He thought we were a dumb fucking like, what? Yeaah, and these were all separate colonies. Like if, if Louisiana became


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[Assistant] Oh, he was not a great president. Not at all. It shows how everybody's got these different kind of strengths. He was a great...


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[Assistant] He was one of the guys, he, he did many very important and gutsy things. And uh, he was also the only one of those guys who was not, he was a poor farmer, he was, his education, his made,


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[Assistant] Changed his life, he's like one of the first Americans who had that experience, you know, where he, he was, you know, had a decent farm, but not much, but he made his brain work.


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[Assistant] And he excelled and passed that on to his son who we'll talk about. He fucking ruled in the revolution. Adams was the man. Adams was the man. And because these other guys fucking, uh, uh, uh,


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[Assistant] Benjamin Franklin was just a giant perverted asshole. I loved him. Oh, he was great. All these guys are great. I'm not judging any of them, but he wasn't, he was of limited use.


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[Assistant] Because he was intrigued by America, but he didn't give a shit. He never would have shed a fucking, any blood or sweat or tears for the country. He just was interested and he had a huge brain. So he'd lend it when he felt like. He was also full of shit, you know, like he was supposed to, he was supposedly


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he paid the guy for like the license to the, to the gag. And then he got one of his sons to do it, to go around doing it for money. It was just a thing that he...


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[Assistant] He picked up other people's ideas, which is his own, you know.


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[Assistant] Amazing. Because he has no judgment of himself.


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[Assistant] So, he's the only, like a lot of people that write autobiographies, it's kinda careful.


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[Assistant] But like he tells this story about he was living in London and there was a guy who worked for him, kind of like a half tradesman kind of guy who he befriended and the guy had a woman he wanted to marry, a maiden, but he didn't have a position and he didn't have his own home yet.


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[Assistant] So and his mother didn't want, I don't remember all the logistics, but it was that that he asked Benjamin if he could move his wife into his.


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[Assistant] And she, uhm, you know, spurned my advances, so I threw her out.


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[Assistant] Uh, and then in May I met this other guy, like he just talks, he did awful things to people.


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[Assistant] When he showed focus he was of use to like the revolution and the same with Jefferson. Jefferson was like a depressive fucking freak and so he would just like leave Washington. He would just go like, uh, my wife is dead, whatever bullshit.


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[Assistant] He would get on his horse and just leave, cause also he was a man of great wealth and he had his, his life in Monticello and in Virginia was, we'll get to him, but.


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[Assistant] Also, when Adams did his, uh, did the Constitution of Massachusetts, Massachusetts, the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.


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[Assistant] Is like the most liberal document in the world. Cause Adams was like, he's like, I'm gonna get it right, everything that I couldn't get done.


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[Assistant] In the American Constitution I'm doing in this. And there's stuff in there about Jews having rights. There's even something about gay people in there. Like he was into like gay rights Jews. Pretty gay back then. Pretty gay. Pretty Jewish.


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[Assistant] To be in the Jewish rites of the 1700s was gay. Undeniably gay.


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[Assistant] Well he, cause he got, he was the first liberal who got befuddled by


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[Assistant] Guys, back then it was another Democrat, it was Jefferson.


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[Assistant] Although he loved the French. He loved the revolution in French. Yeah, he did. Adams didn't, because it was bloody and horrible. He didn't like the French. He didn't, and uh, and Jefferson loved the revolution and he loved, he had all these friends over there, he spent a lot of his life there.


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[Assistant] You're talking about Jefferson. Jefferson. Well, it's interesting because Adams ended his presidency was a fake rumor that Jefferson started that Adams was trying to start a war with the friend started Navy and do this stuff and he was all fake.


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[Assistant] But then it ended up kind of haunting Jefferson, because the truth about all that ended up fucking him a lot.


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[Assistant] One thing interesting about Jefferson is because he's so famous for having had a slave and having had like 50,000 slaves or whatever, not that many. Uhm, and having had children with his slave and I don't think he ever even gave him freedom. He didn't free the kids.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think her mother, cause her mother was in his family for a long time.


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[Assistant] I'm not sure about that. But an interesting thing about him in terms of slavery and American politics is that his first, um, elected position was in the Virginia legislature. He was like a house reps guy in Virginia.


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[Assistant] And the very first act he ever, the first thing he ever did as a, as a politician was to propose a bill in the Virginia.


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[Assistant] It was the first thing he did. Of course he got shot down, but it was his, it was his desire and his dream.


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[Assistant] Yes, and all of these guys, all of these early guys wanted slavery out. But there was no way the south was gonna do it. And they wanted the southern, so the choice was to have like just two countries or four countries over here.


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[Assistant] Or have a unified country and just deal with it. We're gonna have slavery but create a framework.


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[Assistant] Oh, for sure. So it was part of the reason that all of it, including Sally Hemmings, that his loves were all secret because he was ashamed of every woman that he loved after that. And so there was a woman in Paris, she was a British painter and her husband, she was a woman, she was married.


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[Assistant] But she was a painter and she fell in love with Thomas Jefferson and they were very much in love with each other. But then the way they broke up was very funny to me because he was in, he wrote her these beautiful letters. She was in love with him, he was in love with her. But then uhm, the French, when he was leaving France, they wanted a great portrait of him to put in the National Gallery.


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[Assistant] And then wasn't he the, I don't know, Madison. Madison's next. Usually the secretary of state would end up being president.


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[Assistant] Also, he was Jefferson's, he was another guy like Adams who was there all the time. He was like a worker, he kept shit going and he would write Jefferson in France and go, can you fucking come home and be president? And Jefferson would write back and go, I'm just enjoying Paris and I don't want to do it.


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[Assistant] And then he would float in and just take the fucking big job. And yea, Madison gets four years and people are like, dude, you're boring. America has never liked nerds. Don't touch me. Don't ever put your fucking hands on me.


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[Assistant] So now America is not just college. Cause England was just taking pot shots. England would just park a ship.


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[Assistant] It has a weird maritime feeling to it. It looks like Nantucket. And that's because it's all people from Nantucket. Used to be this little whaling village in Nantucket.


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[Assistant] And in the 1810s, the British would just park a ship and just set houses on fire. For fucking fun.


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[Assistant] Well that was all the source of all our problems was these other fuckin' European countries and being involved in their wars. So he was the first guy to go...


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[Assistant] So the reason that happened though was cause of Jackson. Cause Jackson...


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[Assistant] I don't know if they had telegrams yet, but it would take them eight days to say leave Florida alone. We're trying to negotiate a price.


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[Assistant] But finally Monroe decided, we don't want Florida anymore, they're asking the Spani- Spanish owned it.


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[Assistant] We can't afford to buy it. I can't justify it. I'm not gonna get it through Congress. And Jackson was writing back and saying, I'm just gonna take it. I'm just gonna take it militarily. I'm gonna attack them. And Monroe said, no.


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[Assistant] You may not. I'm the president. You may not do that. And Jackson just ignored him. And he did it. He took Florida and then he showed up in DC and was like, right? That was good, right? And Monroe's like, yes, thank you very much.


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[Assistant] We're gonna sell it. There's two generals that did that, him and MacArthur did that too. Just did shit without permission. And then showed up and said, right Mr. President, wasn't that the plan all along? I guess it was the plan all along, whatever you want.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so John Quincy Adams was Secretary of State. John Quincy Adams had a big role in the, in the uhm,


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[Assistant] In Florida, and he had a big role in that compromise. That was a big party. He was a statesman. John Quincy Adams, fucking fascinating guy. I read his biography. The thing about him and his father is that they wrote copious, really long diary entries, so we know a lot about those guys.


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[Assistant] But uhm, he was, he traveled with his father to England. He was like the last link to the great revolution. Yeah. Cause he was with his father wherever he went and he took him to, uh, France. He ended up being a diplomat. He was the first, uhm, American, uh, ambassador to Russia.


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[Assistant] He lived in Saint Petersburg, Russia, and him and his-


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[Assistant] I don't remember that. But he was in Russia way, way back then. He'd take like a sleigh to...


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[Assistant] Now you needed somebody, yea, you needed super delegates to handle things. You needed to just get your local guy and be like, you go. You go figure it out.


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[Assistant] John Quincy Adams was another nerd, one term nerd. Yes. Who just couldn't get, I mean as a president he couldn't get, and he got almost nothing done. Partly because Jackson and his people just thwarted every single thing he tried.


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[Assistant] Everybody fucking loved that dude so much. He was Trump. He was Trump. Imagine if Trump, like, dueled as much as...


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[Assistant] Jackson died with something like 12 bullets in his body. What? That never left his body. He dueled all the time. Yea, let's just go straight to Jack. Jackson...


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[Assistant] He's the next president. He can't not be mentioned John Quincy. Fuck John Quincy. John Quincy Adams, well after his presidency he was in Congress forever from Massachusetts. He died at his seat.


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[Assistant] He was ma- cause his thing, he was a huge abolitionist. He was like the only guy in the Congress willing to be an out and out. The slave states had so much power that they passed a law, a gag law, that said you can't say the word slavery in Congress. There used to be, uh, there was a thing in Congress back then called petitioning.


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[Assistant] Anyone could send a petition to their congressperson and they had to say, they had to mention it. So like, you could send a thing to congress saying, uhm, I want all, you know, I want retards to be allowed to drive, whatever you would do. I want retarded people to have drivers license.


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[Assistant] And he would say he'd have to go, okay, the petition from Shane Gillis, he wants retards to drive the honorable and everyone would go, I moved to table it and then they just table it. But they passed a law saying you couldn't even


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[Assistant] You couldn't even mention a petition that said the word slavery.


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[Assistant] Because that's how electrified the, it was like, we don't want anybody, we know you're trying to get rid of slavery, we don't even want you to say it, and they passed it.


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[Assistant] So John, uh, uh, Quincy Adams would do it and he would just break the law and he would just say it over and over again. He would read petitions about slavery and he would get sent. Then they would all vote the whole Congress.


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[Assistant] And was grounded in Massachusetts, I think.


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[Assistant] He got not only in trouble, they came, those slaves asked him to represent that he was their lawyer. Because they were all, they were Virginia slave masters who were waiting for, they were Haitian slaves that they were waiting for that they had paid for.


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[Assistant] But he found a way just with, it wasn't like a slavery's wrong trial, it was you guys don't have a receipt trial. It was like, you ain't got the paperwork, go fuck yourselves. So they were free. But yeah, he died. He was in the middle of a big impassioned argument, he was yelling, and he had a heart attack.


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[Assistant] And he died right there with the whole congress around him because they loved, people loved that guy.


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[Assistant] He was a great guy. He was the first president or former president to ride on a steamship and he used to ride on the steamships with a blanket over him and folks would surround him, all the passengers would surround him and he would just tell stories. He was a great guy. Yeaah, that's pretty cool.


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[Assistant] Jackson's great, but I mean, to me, I look at all these guys, I evaluate them as characters. They're all great, amazing characters. They all did awful things. Of course. But, uh, I mean Obama fucking bombed, you know, fucking weddings.


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[Assistant] But, uh, but, but, uh, yes, Jackson was, uh, crazy, but shrewd. A great thing about Jackson was that his, his inaugural party in the White House. Yeaah. This is wild. They, they,


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[Assistant] He invited everybody. That's exactly right. He invited everyone. He said anyone that wants can come.


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[Assistant] With common people getting drunk, stealing shit, and they wouldn't leave. And there's a, there's a honor code in the White House. You don't ask someone to leave. You don't ever throw anybody out. So they couldn't get them. Like days went by where people are shitting on the floor and raiding the fucking pantry and just.


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[Assistant] Fucking people and whatever. And so what they did was they got huge kegs of beer and they put them on the lawn.


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[Assistant] And they said, hey, come on, let's, let's drink under the stars. Let's have, you know, and they invited them out for beer on the lawn and they all came outside and they locked, locked doors. That was how he, he was a, he was a people's president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First one to appeal to the common person. There was an author, a English guy, I read his biography of him and they have one account of an English traveling writer who would write travel logs.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he was in Washington and he thought, what is it like, can you meet the president? And he just, why, there wasn't a fence around the house then. Yea, people just could walk in and see it. So he just walked to the front door and he knocked on the door.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a butler came to the door and said hello and he said, I'd like to meet the president. And he's like, is he expecting, he goes, no. And the butler's like, all right, we'll come in and sit down. And he went in, the guy waited like 20 minutes and Jackson came out of his office, which was like full of people. And he said, I'm in a pretty important, like, who are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said, I just wanted to meet you and say hi. And he was like, all right, can you wait an hour? And he's like, sure. So he went and whatever fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also went, he was the first president I think to ride on a, on a real, like on a train. He took a train, he was the first one to do this that he went all over the country. He went, came up to, he went up to Maine. Presidents never travel, he was the first guy to do that. Like he thought people should see the president, people should have contact with the president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was some of those good slave owners. The natives. There is some story from the, uh, some chief, big chief went to the White House to meet with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackson, cause Jackson was very honest. He didn't underhand ever. He didn't play politics. He did horrible things, but he just went ahead and did them. Like there was a slave revolt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a name you'd recognize, it wasn't like Sitting Bull, but it was some big, uh, all of the Indians, the tribes, all the tribes chose this guy to negotiate with Jackson. And he went and talked to Jackson, just the two of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he came out crying and said, we're not, we're not, this is gonna go bad. This is gonna go bad. No, he was, he just had his way of thinking about how it was going to go. He's like, no, we got


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[Assistant] Whatever it took. Whatever it took. No, I remember I have a friend who's a Trump guy who I've known for a long time. I'm not gonna say that his name is Nick DiPaolo. Knowing Nick has always given me some insight into the mentality of that kind of guy. Not just Trump, but guys like Jackson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was a pinball machine we really liked playing at this one club. So we're playing pinball against each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when it was my turn, I was starting to beat his score.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jackson was the first president to go like, uh, fuck you, I'm winning, I'm winning this, I don't care what happens to you. We're gonna, we're gonna, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that he's on the 20. It's like a joke because he hated the idea of a central bank. He hated the idea of a treasury. He thought that it should just be folks have their money, you use gold and you trade and he wanted...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the way it goes. The cool guy. America is made of cowboys and nerds. So you got cowboys who show off and who show what kind of people we are and then you have nerds who actually get things done. But the cowboys get the credits. Then the nerds get fucked every time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he had a lot of niggas. Old Kinderhook. He was another total nerd and everybody hated Van Buren. He was like a little fucking... He was supposed to be a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was, uh, the, the legend is that, you know, he was one of the first people to have, uh, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pamphlets, like a lot of pamphlets, like the press, like the mass press started to get big. So his pamphlet was, cause he was called Old Kinderhook, cause he's from Kinderhook, New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So his thing was okay, and it was a checkmark. Oh, nice. And that's where people say that okay comes from. What? Yeaah. Cause it was like his thing was okay with a checkmark, it was the point it was like vote for old Kinderhook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shortest term. Shortest term. Didn't have a minute of acting as person. Trying to prove he was tough. Got sick the first day. Died immediately. And died a few months later. What? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how, why Oregon is, Portland is called Portland?


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[Assistant] I bet you I do. Do you? No, it's not. It was gonna be Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then who is the general, who is the general that penetrated all the way to Mexico City? That's later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zachary Taylor was the big, uh, Mexican American warrior. He was the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went into Mexico City, and if you go to Mexico City, the big thing is Los Niños, these six, I think it's four, six kids. So they stormed, they went all the way to Mexico City, and the Citadel, the Chapultepec, the palace,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The army was so decimated that it was finally just the cadets.


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[Assistant] Of the military school, where the only one is defending the capital.


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[Assistant] And they were, they were just four kids firing on the American army is just coming. And they finally, they wrapped themselves in Mexican flags and jumped.


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[Assistant] And dove and killed himself. That was how they end this war. And the moment is Zachary Taylor is holding one of them and he's saying they were just kids. I get no idea. They were, they were like fucking 12, 15 years old. And in, in Chapultepec there's four big pillars. Uh, they're still, they're like war heroes. That's pretty awesome. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Oh, well, they had Maxim, so, uh, what was going on all these years, um, Napoleon assumed


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That the south would win the civil war eventually, that the south, that there would be a, like, the Europe always bet, bet on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The south, because the south was a aristocratic America. It was about plantations and old families, and that's a European, and they loved Europe in the south. The north was always against Europe and wanting to start something new. So during the civil war,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Maximilian was just a Habsburg, but the way Kings worked back then, there were some royalty factories. So the Habsburg family, who I think were like Flemish or whatever the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just had like somebody, a cousin of a king, they went, Maximilian and his wife, they're like, you guys take Mexico, you're, you're, so, so Napoleon sent French troops to Mexico and installed


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[Assistant] When the South lost the Civil War, Napoleon was like, alright, fuck this.


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[Assistant] You gotta cut that part where I say we lost. No, that's good. Cut that. I don't know what made you say that.


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[Assistant] Especially Texas, but again, then we wouldn't have.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, but he was, well, he was Kentucky, Illinois. Illinois, but... I always forget one.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I could be, I'm just, I love just acting like I know. It's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, you know how many, uh, there were, uh, four presidents? You think about the fact that four of them were assassinated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, four were shot and killed. Uh, is it Garfield?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, McKinley shot and killed, JFK and Lincoln. Nice. Four shot and killed, Reagan fucking- Close. Badly shot. Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, Roosevelt, Teddy, shot in the chest. Bull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yup, finished the speech. Got shot and was like, uh, and somebody shot at, uh, at, uh, uh, Jack, Andrew Jackson. Yeah. And he had a cane and he beat the guy, beat the shit out of the guy. I almost beat him to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy shot, shot him and he just, get the fuck, goes right outside the capital. Like by the big pillars or whatever. And he just beat the fucking shit out of him. And he was insane.


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[Assistant] Yeah, most of them were crazy people. There's a few other guys that were shot at, that somebody took shots at them. And uh, but that they didn't get hurt. Oh, what's his name? Uh.


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[Assistant] Well, FDR, they killed the governor, right, who was sitting next to him.


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[Assistant] Somebody, a spray of bullets. And he wasn't hurt, but the governor sitting next to him was killed. Governor of Georgia or Florida? I don't fucking know. Anyway, go on. But yea, like, over ten, like twelve percent of them have been shot. So it's an intense job.


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[Assistant] Before, it used to be like when, you know, like, uh, uh, what's his name, Alexander the Great and whoever, some kings used to lead, heads of state used to lead charges.


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[Assistant] We like got em. Where's my bounty? So it was bad. That's how the 12 years of slave guy got taken.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he wasn't a- he was a free northerner. Who just got grabbed by one of those guys. Damn. It was bad.


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[Assistant] Every single thing we did to build this nation ran into this slave problem. Yes. Every single thing we tried to do was like, yeah, but the fucking north-south slave, fucking slave states, non-slave states. We need to build a railroad across. That's the first interstate thing.


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[Assistant] The first interstate objective. Yeaah. It's the first thing that, it's the first thing that need, you need a federal government. It's why we started, the federal government got stronger and stronger.


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[Assistant] Cause every state gets to do their own thing, but you wanna take a fucking train?


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[Assistant] The other reason, just a general thing, the federal government, what gave the federal government power was the states wanting parity with each other. Like when environmental laws became a thing, they were state laws. So like, Indiana would make a law, you can't dump


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[Assistant] You know, sludge into the river anymore. So every company in Indiana has to pay extra


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[Assistant] The Indiana, the Illinois company's like, we don't wanna dump.


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[Assistant] We don't want to hurt the environment, but we can't compete with these guys. Right?


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[Assistant] So they would go the, so they, all the states would go to the fed and say, please pass a law that affects everybody so that we can all do the right thing that we want to do without having to get squeezed out by this guy. And that worked until we started doing shit with Mexico and India and China.


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[Assistant] No, and meanwhile the North was starting to get, uh, I mean this is getting after Pierce's Who.


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[Assistant] So Buchanan is the guy who Lincoln, who right before Lincoln, right? Because the other thing that was going on is the North is industrializing and the North is starting to build sweat houses and factories and so part of the argument that people were having


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[Assistant] That is like the kind of argument we would have now. It would be interesting to take this culture with Twitter and everything and supplant it to slavery days and how we would have handled that debate back then. Because there were people that were saying, you know, the North has free workers and a ton of them immigrants that had started.


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[Assistant] And they're treated like garbage. They're living like shit and they're dying in large numbers and getting sick.


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[Assistant] Destroying lives. Yeah. And, uh, you know, read, uh, uh, what's his name? Fucking, uh, Upton Sinclair. The shit was going on in Chicago and the slaughterhouses.


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[Assistant] But they're also hanging on to a way of life in the south, and in the north they're not. They're trying to do anything that's new and anything that's next and anything that's large amounts of money and large amounts of industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, uh, manufacturing in huge amounts. In the south, they're just trying to play fiddle and whip a guy and, uh, grow, grow a little tuft of cotton for one shirt every six months.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but that was the fight. It was an insanely different, but we still wanted to be one country. We wanted to be one country. So it was this weird conflict that never went away.


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[Assistant] But he had all of Lincoln's problems with none of his charisma and guts. Yeah. And blood. That was crazy. James Buchanan had the dread Scott. Willingness to kill.


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[Assistant] That's not, that wasn't his job.


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[Assistant] Yeah, every state starts to say we're not America anymore. Like immediately before he takes office.


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[Assistant] Well, we could sh- maybe skip him, cause he'll be the whole fuckin- Yea. We could stop- we could stop with Lincoln. Let's stop with Lincoln.


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[Assistant] The thing I liked about, I mean, I gave you that book about Lincoln. That's a great, uh, what's his name? Carl Sandberg. It's a weird kind of stream of consciousness.


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[Assistant] Howling of Lincoln's story in four volumes. It's crazy. Just the Warriors, just from when he took office.


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[Assistant] And, uh, when he was coming here, there was everything, hell was breaking loose and there was supposed to be a January 6th. There was supposed to be one. There was a plan to stop the certifying of the vote. And so they went to, uh, general


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[Assistant] So they went to Winfield Scott, the guys running the government, and then they said, we think there's gonna be this thing where they're gonna try to stop the, uh,


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[Assistant] So he said uhm, he said if anyone, he made a declaration, he said publicly, he said if anyone tries to stop the counting of votes and the democratic process from happening either by force or by infiltration,


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[Assistant] Police and all those guys that they had the, the day, they said go home and he went and got...


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[Assistant] Uh, policeman from Baltimore, from New York City, all kinds of like badass cops, and he had them in plain clothes all over the capital, heavily, all heavily armed, but in plain clothes.


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[Assistant] So, and people know, so if somebody started something, the guy would just go like this or elbow him or whatever. But the appearance was that it was peaceful and that there was no military presence. But nothing happened.


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[Assistant] Uhm, that's what it took to get Lincoln. Everybody, up to the minute that happened, everyone was like, I don't know if he's ever gonna take office. People believed he would never be president.


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[Assistant] A lot of people, big, big people, who would be like whoever now wrote long things saying don't take office. Your presidency, your victory is hollow, it's not real. Not even just people from the south, but people from the north. Everyone was afraid that Lincoln


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[Assistant] Was gonna just immediately free the slaves and start war with the south and his first inauguration.


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[Assistant] First thing, first thing out of his mouth is I have no intention of freeing the southern slaves or changing their slave laws. And yes, we will.


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[Assistant] Chase down and bring you back your slaves when they come up here. Within Reezy puts like a tiny thing in the way. We're not gonna like make it our obsession, but we will do it. Like it's the first thing out of his mouth.


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[Assistant] Of course you did. That's what, again, it goes all the way back to the framers. They all wanted this to be a better country than it was.


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[Assistant] So they knew they couldn't create a nation without slavery. So they said, let's create a nation where people can change.


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[Assistant] It could have been a very permanent thing. It could have been a very solid permanent thing, but they actually made it elastic on purpose. Uhm, and that's, yea, Lincoln was like, we'll do it guys. We'll do it. We just, we need some fucking time. And boy, what it cost is crazy.


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[Assistant] And a lot of people who didn't want slavery were really angry at Lincoln for how hard he pushed that war and that he didn't just settle it. Just let the South do whatever they want. We have, we have our free blacks here. Let them take their chances down there.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you're killing millions or however many fucking, I don't know how many people it was, like quarter of a million people died in the civil war? Yea, probably around there. Something like about how many we killed in Iraq in a day? Yea. Pretty much. True.


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[Assistant] It was really something, I mean, it just took a lot, a lot of political guts, a lot of doing, a lot of, uuuh, fuck. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Suck.


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[Assistant] And him, like, not making them say it, but getting them to, just one guy at a time, one guy at a time. He would just go around, get support here, get support there, put muscle in where he had it, and he fought a brutal, brutal war. A fucking incessant war.


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[Assistant] Well, he's one of the reasons the war was prolonged because everybody knew if we could just get rid of Lincoln...


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[Assistant] Johnson was behind him with, there was a deal to be made. It was like, don't, it was like, don't talk outside the family. He was like son, you know. Son, he liked my deal, didn't he? Son, he was happy with my deal. Johnson would have fucking settled in a minute.


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[Assistant] He's the one who proved you can, you can impeach a president, but you cannot get the fucking votes. It's a waste of time and he ends up stronger. It's the dumbest move in the world. It's vanity. It's just Congress hates the president. It's just bullshit. But it doesn't accomplish anything.


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[Assistant] They, they, I don't remember why they went after him, whatever. He was very corrupt, he was a fucked up guy, I don't know, who knows? It's all shit that I heard because of them.


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[Assistant] But they, they impeached him and then failed to get rid of him.


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[Assistant] Really? I know nothing else about him, but. I don't know either. But then, fucking. Grant. Grant. Amazing guy.


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[Assistant] I mean, he did so Christ-ing much this guy. Oh, true.


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[Assistant] His father-in-law, his wife's father hated him because he was an abolitionist. I mean he wasn't like an active abolitionist. But he was against, just for not having a slave. Back then if you didn't have a slave you were a dick to certain people.


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[Assistant] So, he hated him because he had slaves and he didn't want one. So he gave him one as a wedding present, like, to spite him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so, uh, so Grant made the guy his partner and they started a little business together which he then freed the guy and gave him the business. So he made that guy's life.


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[Assistant] That's the story, the story I just told you is I think his slave story. I don't think he had a bunch of them.


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[Assistant] That's right, that's right. And then he was in the army, he was in the army and he went, uh, one of his first jobs was outpost near San Francisco. It was in the middle of nowhere. I mean it was in the desert of California.


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[Assistant] He was the only one there. And he was a family man. He loved his family. He missed his family so much and he started just getting drunk.


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[Assistant] And that was his only experience with alcohol. He was not, he was a very rigidly living guy and he was thought, known as a drunk for the rest of his life. Every time he had a political problem, they'd go, he's drinking.


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[Assistant] Because he sat under a tree in the rain. They found him sitting under a tree in the rain outside of a military hospital.


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[Assistant] Uh, started really reconstruction, like started like really, he was in earnest wanting to get opportunities and equity for black people. Equal opportunity for black people.


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[Assistant] And then he retired and was in New York, and then he became a New Yorker, he became a big, big part of this city. And he had a son named Kermit, who, I think his name was Kermit, who, that was the 1800s.


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[Assistant] Who took it and just left town and just took all of their money.


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[Assistant] Every penny that they had. And, uh, so Grant went to visit Vanderbilt, who's outside of the, uhm, Grand Central Station is a great place.


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[Assistant] A statue of him. I think it was Vanderbilt. Went to the richest man in New York City, uhm, who was a hard ass, a guy who didn't care for charity or anything, but he brought his, he brought, sure, uh, what's his name, uh, the sword that was, uh, who, who's, uh, Lee. Robert, he had Robert E. Lee's sword.


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[Assistant] That he, um, surrendered to him. He had his Congressional Medal of Honor and the Bible that he was, that he took the oath of office and he gave them, he said, I want to sell these to you because I have no money.


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[Assistant] Uh, uh, Mark Twain was like his best friend. And Mark Twain said, uh, why don't you write your autobiography, uh, your memoirs? And he said, I'm doing that for these guys. And he goes, what are they paying you? And he goes, a thousand dollars. And he's like, dude, what is wrong with you?


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[Assistant] And he says, give me the book I'll publish. Cause he, Mark Twain had started his own publishing company cause he hated publishers. He said, I'll publish it and I'll help you write it.


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[Assistant] And he said, I promise those two guys. He's like, did you sign something? He goes, no, but I did. I like, I gave my word. So, uh, so, um, Twain, uh, or his real name, what's his, uh, Clemens Clemens.


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[Assistant] He goes, travels to, I think he went to see Sherman. He went to see, he's like, I need to see somebody who trusts, who, you know, he'll listen to. So he went to visit Sherman and said, please,


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[Assistant] And, uh, so Clemens turned it into this special edition that you had to order one. You could get any color you wanted. And it was the first blockbuster book in American history. It made like half a million dollars in the first month. Meanwhile, he had a goiter that was growing and growing.


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[Assistant] He died of throat cancer like right as he finished the book and then his wife was made for life. Her first check from Twain was like $400,000.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think he, wasn't he buried here in this monument? Yes, and he's buried in Grant's tomb on the, in Harlem.


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[Assistant] And when he died, there was this huge funeral and it was northern and southern soldiers. Southern soldiers were allowed to put back on their southern uniforms because it was a big thing that his casket was carried by north and south.


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[Assistant] So then you got Hayes, who undid all of this cool stuff for black people. It's all very- He didn't want to deal with it, so he just did away with it. And then you got fucking, who else? Then it goes- Garfield. Then I get bleary.


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[Assistant] Subjugation, just like, it became the same obsession as before, but without slavery, it just became all about not letting them vote, keeping them off the internet.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, like we're just yesterday. We figured it out yesterday.


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[Assistant] Is uh, Nixon is my favorite. He's awesome. He's the best. And again, as a character, Nixon gave the country one great gift that I wish was like


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[Assistant] I wish it was taught like the speech that Lincoln has on his monument and the ask not what's your country and all that shit.


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[Assistant] The greatest thing that he did, because it speaks more to what Americans live, is that when Nixon was shamed and destroyed and had to leave office, he had to fucking resign. He had to give, after a couple of, I'm not a crook and this is all bullshit, he had to go and say, well,


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[Assistant] Alright, I'm gonna go and... Still not cook, but I'm gonna get out of here. Sorry, Gerald Ford would take the oath of office at this time, in this office. And he left. But before he left, he gave a speech to his staff.


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[Assistant] Uhm, to the White House staff that was impromptu. It was just on his way to the, to the, to the, uh, helicopter.


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[Assistant] And he's just, and he's copiously crying in the speech. There's video of it that you can see. You have to try to find the whole thing, because there's clips that you can find on YouTube, but I actually ordered from C-Span, uh, DVD of the whole speech.


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[Assistant] And uhm, they're all balling the whole staff and his family standing behind him and he just tells them, look, don't, he's encouraging them. He said, this is a tough moment for all of us. He said, first of all, I don't want to encourage, I don't want to discourage young people from taking, from being in public service. He was afraid of what would


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[Assistant] What the, what would have happened? Yes. He was right. He said, don't be discouraged from public office. It's a great calling. And he said, and for, for any mistakes that we made and all the everything that's happened, not one person in this administration, um, gained financially from anything, from being here.


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[Assistant] And he said he, so he read it to his staff and he said that's how he felt having lost his wife and his mom.


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[Assistant] And he went on and had this incredible life. So he's trying to say, don't, so he says, no, don't be discouraged. Never be petty. Uh, don't hate your enemies because that's when you'd start to destroy yourself. He started, he gets it really introspective about everything that happened without talking about it. And then he says, it's horrible. He goes, um,


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[Assistant] He says, uh, they'll never write a book about my mother, but she was a saint.


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[Assistant] Oh man. And I think of her, like one of his brothers had tuberculosis and they had no money so she moved to Arizona where the air was better and she was a nurse, a wet nurse, she nursed other people's babies.


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[Assistant] And what they did for him and all that shit. He just, and he just cries. Oh, it was, it's fucking beautiful, but it shows you a man at the height of American experience.


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[Assistant] Destroyed from that height, which is the worst thing that can happen to a person is to get that high and fall and he just went, here's how this feels. He just told the world.


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[Assistant] This is how this feels, this is what this looks like. And here's all I can say. And then he went and then he left. Incredible. I mean, he was one of the most influential people in American history. Yeah. He ended Vietnam, right?


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[Assistant] Yes. I mean, he was in a, he was in, he was fucking, uh, Eisenhower's vice president.


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[Assistant] So I know a guy, back when I was first living in the city as a comedian, uhm, there was a guy named Frank, uhm, Gannon.


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[Assistant] Who had a- Frank Gannon. Frank Gannon wrote speeches for Nixon and was a very close friend of his. And weirdly, he became the guy who books the comedians on Letterman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he liked me, so I went to Letterman's office and met him and I asked him about Nixon because he wrote, Nixon has one big biography called RN that Gannon co-wrote.


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[Assistant] And he told me that when you get a few drinks in Nixon, he says the same people that got


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[Assistant] Yeah, John and Robert came after him. He said they just couldn't use bullets anymore because it was getting too.


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[Assistant] That's exactly what we said. We said that without him. He said Watergate was something that happened all the time. It was just like, and still does. I mean, it's not like, oh my, oh my god. It's how things are done. It's a save for the million dollars in it. What president doesn't have a save for the million dollars?


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[Assistant] So that's, that's Nixon's story. That was, that was Nixon's story. He didn't say it in public because the same as he conceded the presidency to Kennedy, which Kennedy stole.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, hope everyone knows that. That his father...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most interesting, I think, to me, yeaah. I mean, Johnson was also a fascinating guy. Johnson was, and Reagan was, uh, kind of an empty headed, genius, incredible, knows how to just be. As long as somebody else is in the room, Reagan was brilliant. But I'm not sure he had any thoughts.


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[Assistant] My favorite film of Reagan is Larry King interviewing him after he was shot.


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[Assistant] And saying, so what do you, what do you, how do you, what do you feel about this guy? And he said, well, I just pray for him. He's a sick man. He's just, you know, I found out later that he's, he's sick. He's mentally ill. So we add him to our prayers.


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[Assistant] Please fall. You're not gonna fall. I'd give anything. I was looking up Earthquake's dimensions. Mic's turned off. No it's not. He turned it back on I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I think I just. There's Noah's pint glass. It's cool design. Oh, okay. Sorry to know that. I don't, you know I didn't mean to slay you before and you know it. Damn, that's really weighing on you, big shot. Thank you. I hate being teased. You're a superstar. You're trying to be a humble guy.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, she keeps looking at her. What do you think of that, Vixen? What would you do to that? I can't stop looking at her.


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[Assistant] She's a lesbian dude. Like Chills with Jones and stuff. Who? Is it Trans the Chills with Alex Jones? Ah, I forget her name. Nah, I remember her name. Blair White. She did Rogues. Classic heterosexual.


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[Assistant] Caps next week, yea. Oh, that'll be sick. It'll be very fun. Dang.


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[Assistant] We used to, uh, have this ride called the Skycoaster. It's kind of like a pendulum kind of ride, like a bungee cord kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. Yo, I had to go once. It was when I was being a fat pussy when I was younger. And, uh, it had to be my mom's idea. They were like, we'll set up an appointment. How old were you?


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[Assistant] 20. It was like after I quit football. That's an adult.


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[Assistant] I just went in and sat down, this guy was like, what do you want to do with your life? And I was like, I want to do comedy. And he was like, alright, but really. He was just like, you should definitely quit comedy. Don't try that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that's what we should have called it, you know when you tuck your boner in your tuck method? Should have called it dog time. It's called a dog time? Tuck method wasn't as funny.


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[Assistant] Someone, he saw I started getting clout. Uhm.


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[Assistant] And now, the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Dan Soder. I'm like a bomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, oh man, dotting all your eyes with hearts was pretty misleading.


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[Assistant] That feels like you're being, you're being refilled with new souls.


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[Assistant] I saw this on the news the other day. There was an old guy who shot his landlord in the knees twice or like under the leg twice cause he didn't like come fix something in his apartment fast enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, being old and shooting someone. This is like a precursor for like old McCusker. True.


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[Assistant] No, they're gonna have hookers. You're gonna be able to fuck at, uh, old nursing homes in like the future. True. Cause they're fucking each other all the time. Yeah, true. Eventually they're gonna be like, stop creating old people diseases. Fuck these. Like robots? Like sex robots? Sex robots. Yeah.


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[Assistant] That's an application for them. They give them skin now. They got Terminator skins.


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[Assistant] No, no face. Not yet. Not yet. What is, is it set up like this thing? It's like a, it's like a PlayStation 4. It's like a PlayStation. Why don't they give you a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a mechanical noise. Yeaah. It's very mechanical. It's like a robot sucking your dick, but it feels nice. Really? Yeaah. That's the important part. Yeaah. Like, I can see, like, you know, like, you got an automobile. Sorry, you're the head from Toy Story that comes out. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause all you need is an oculus and you're good. You get the auto-blow and the oculus. Oh yeah.


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[Assistant] That's the only thing I have discipline for. It's like sex for some reason.


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[Assistant] There's the point where you get too old and you see like a really hot girl and you just


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[Assistant] You're just trying to figure out how the FBI can figure out your locations from videos so you can change it up in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how they found that weird door on Mars? What if they found like a weird space door on Mars? It's not a door, it's just like a rock formation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like a door, like it can go into a cave or something. What if the Egyptians went to Mars? Cause I was like, they have, or I was watching videos about the old Egyptians. Go on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know you can cut these things in half, right? How long do you, how long do you have to hold your comment before you get superpowers? Two days.


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[Assistant] I'm having a ve- I don't know how I feel. The other day I was like, I'm not horny enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just some Colombians. I highly doubt there's Colombian girls back over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the KKK? Dude, remember those little crown air fresheners?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad used to have one and he was like, yo, they're owned by the KKK. We can't like use them anymore. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you've been practicing this power unknowingly the whole time, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I get, I get this, I guess, I guess my feet get sweaty so I gotta, sometimes I put on shoes and it's like, it gives me like a little bit of height too, so it's like. Is that what the boots are all about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So where, you know, just some shoes, I just throw on whatever shoes are around my shoe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about yoga breaks? Do you think they would be good for sex? I think so, dude. They have to be, somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably what finally took them down. Oh, I was thinking, like, remember like, uh, remember like 2015 when Michelle Obama was like, find our girls, and this program was around, if this program was around, they would have found those girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't gone, but I've seen them, dude. I've been, I've been. They're tight, dude. They look fun as hell. They make it rain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm wrong, I'm wrong. It's 12,000. What? 12,000. Would you say 2,000 times 6,000? How do you know the answer if you don't know the problem? It's 120,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that's easy. All you gotta do is drop the zeros and oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well yeaah. There's one time I put on a mask and there was a room full of ladies who were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, it makes me, I don't know why, but that, it's like scary, it's like, dude, stop that. Like, come on, man. Like, I just see-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just in case you go to jail. That's the, that's the ultimate sign of innocence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Yeah, it stills your soul. So did you go out with Richard Pryor? Yeah dude, I set my hair on fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what happened? I read a book on Richard Pryor. He was doing, he was doing like, he was freebasing, uh, uh, cocaine, and he was lighting it with, uh, a cotton swab that he dipped in rum, like pure rum that he would drink too. And he went pffft. And like, that sounds pretty cool. Go on. That's what he did. That sounds pretty fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a Richard Pryor autobiography, I can't remember it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wrote it himself? No, I think somebody else wrote it off of like, experience or something. I read it, him and Paul Mooney were totally gay together too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They literally just did like a Martin Reunion special on BET. Tommy's dead, but yea. I didn't know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out. It's fucked up because they didn't, it was like one year, there was none of them online. And then like in 2021,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it? Yeah, I love family matters. Laura's a bit of a cunt. Do you know the episode they fall in? There's an episode they fall in love. With Stefan? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. So she knows what's up. No, she doesn't know what's up because she was deep in love with Stefan. They turned out Erkel and Stefan separated and became separate people. They were always separate people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he was just around, he was just like around. One time he got like, they just profiled him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was the, he was the, he was the, uh, he was the high guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo Waldo


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did he do that? Because he was like, I'm enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he took his lady. He took his lady on a trip to France.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're two separate beings, I think that means they're separate consciousness, so Urkel wouldn't even remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and then, here's the episode Laura and Urkel fall in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she's kind of secretly loves Urkel this whole time. So she's back. They're just doing shit, whatever. This is like episode six or season six, episode eight maybe. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the one where they fall in love. Uh, Urkel, uh, Urkel starts a shower.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just like getting ready, he's old. No, Laura starts to shower. She starts to shower, she forgets something, Urquhart goes in the bathroom and he's like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the water's already running. I must've did that. He's a genius. He takes off this fucking shit, gets in the shower. Laura comes back. She opens up the shower and she sees them. They scream and they do some looks and Laura fell in love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end of that episode she's like, you ain't got nothing to be ashamed about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was also Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog? Really? Yea. And I think he played out in the 90s. Like the cartoon Sonic. He was trying to work himself


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know Alpha 5 from Power Rangers? Or Alpha? The guy that goes ay ay ay. The robot? Yea yea. I think they say he was in a suit for that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, here's the, here's the, here's the, here's the difference. They did a porn scene in Family Matters and got away with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proposed to Laura on live television, so he goes out there and then he goes on a spacewalk. And he gets like lost, he like, he like, gets too far away from the spaceship. He gets too lost from the space, he gets like far away from the spaceship. Then what happens?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it. What? That's how Oracle ends? Dude, cliffhanger, and then it comes back to Season 8 for ABC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I like, I just, I, I think I read about it, I didn't like wanna, I didn't wanna get, I was like, I'm deep enough right now. You weren't deep enough, you were deeper than anyone I know to the Urkel


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's most of that show. You know his parents are really terrible to him. That's why he was over at the- I did know that, yeaah. They always went on vacation without him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? Uh, yes. Oh, July 21st. I'll be in Cotesville, Pennsylvania. Come there. It'll be fine. Uh, uh, listen to panties in the mouth podcast, please. PITM everywhere. Our videos on Spotify. That's pretty cool. Come watch that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, natural. First thing I ever said should be natural. Wow, you like, you like mature naturals. Does that mean fat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to see. Natural body. Thick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be like natural asian, natural black, natural white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna reiterate the caller topic and I'll give you 30 seconds? What do you mean? You know what I mean. 30 seconds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's straight Mongolian. Really? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody for a collar, for the porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever his tailor is, is out of their fucking- he dresses like- he looks like the fucking caterpillar from- from fucking Alice in Wonderland. His torso, every jacket he wears is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, it's, uh. You gotta watch those gummies, dude. I, especially cause sometimes it's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was hoping he got that pussy, he never really did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Campus group, cause people's dogs die, they post them now. So I'm like, I'll get on there to be like, yo, is anyone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's take it to the next level. Oh man, I stand by that dog getting hit by a car video though. That was the one you brought up on the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got his little girl and his wife right there. So he's in full fucking animal mode. That's his daughter and wife I think. That's how I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well someone, if you look earlier, someone pushed him from behind. Someone else did, but you know, he didn't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now, back to the bonfire, with Big Jay Okerson and Dan Soder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Begin. We've started officially right now. Alright. What's up bros? Dudes, thank you for doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they should start selling that shit like they used to sell Salvia. I wanna petition, I wanna lobby to bring like, really insane, quick psychedelics, but like, they had Salvia legal, and I think it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's tons of like beautiful lakes. Yeah, Delaware flat out sucks. Delaware sucks on like a depressing level. Jersey's like comically shitty. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they've been, I don't know if you know about the Delaware Beaches, but uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was his niece? Well, Joe Biden did in fact molest children. Yes. You can't say he sexually did, but he definitely bothered them. He extremely, he bothered them to an extreme level, which technically is molestation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he bothered kids immensely, which makes him a molester. In the classical definition of the term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, uh, I like the dudes who like love cops and first responders. I saw a sign the other day that just said C heart P S outside of something. It was like, I heart cops. I heart cops. People was like love cops, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I've woken up like with like hot eyes and just like a full fucking hangover with like my laptop open to like cam girls. Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's like, yea. No, that's great. Paying for points and saying there's a level of it where you can pay to like direct, you can like write a script and like do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that was, I read it, dude, the most fucked up thing, someone sent me recently, they were like, what are your thoughts on frozen porn? That shit's fucked up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucked up. When you're watching the ladies just like, with their eyes open, the dude's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're going to SR immediately dude. When you're like frozen like, I'm just trying to freeze this girl right now. That's low days man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, if only this girl had no faculties whatsoever and was frozen in time and I could touch her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I, so I come in here, uhm, sorry Kevin for the motherfucking bros at home, but dude that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One person would volunteer. Dude, we have to, it has to happen where it's- You're Changahead, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I respect it, but yea, the experience for me was like, that was fucking nuts. I got blasted into a literal just fucking torture chamber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, mine was really just kinda like, the same thing happened to me with five grams of mushrooms, where it was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not. No, that happens. That's like a high school thing. That's like, there's just like squads of dudes that'll, a lot of athletes do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would bat- you would- but you're both there, you're both torqued. You're gonna step aside and be like- 100%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never did. Yea, you were getting naked for sports but not to get pussy with a dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the shower? I wouldn't think of shower bro, go home and think of shower. That's SDE. What's that? Small Tech Energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that sucks. So I'm not trying to- He might have been into it though. Why didn't he fucking like speak up? Cause dude it was just like- That's a squeaky wheels narrow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea true. She might not have been hosting. That's why I usually carry, I usually carry toys like that to an event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's another urban legend, like yeaah, the dude just like didn't come out for a month, didn't talk to anyone, but eventually he came around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they used to claim the old asian lady was a dude. No fur fact, she isn't. No fur fact.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it wasn't as, you would think it was super pretty, his pitches were nuts, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happens is, what happens is the boys would pop them off their arms and nibble them. So you cut a small hole and you suck a little bit of that gel, and it like, fucks you up big time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just like hitting all the sites.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you could go, you could run the experiment and see how hard they're going on porn, just get dad's phone and hit, he definitely doesn't know how to do incognito mode. So here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be sorry, it was exactly what I needed. And you always get what you need. I got exactly what I needed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd he take, like 200 mics? He took like 100 mics probably. I think he took 200.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you kangaroo penciled on him, dude, that would fuck him up. If you mbison him, you know mbison jumps on people with his two feet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it's purple syrup. And Tom was like, drink that. And I put my tongue on it and didn't let it go down my throat and act like I pouted up like a two or like pouted up a foe. I was like, Tom, drink that. And he drank like four ounces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, you guys love nicotine, right? You guys absolutely love nicotine. I mean, there's great flavors. Let me tell you something, you guys like the vape, you guys gotta get on Lucy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy has lozenges and all kinds of stuff. Check out the full line of products at lucy.co and use the promo code drenched at checkout. That's lucy.co and be sure to use that promo code drenched. And if you're a listener from Canada, Lucy is now available at ca.lucy.co. Warning this product contains nicotine, nicotine is addictive chemicals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also while we're at it, dudes. You got, Billy, you look at a ton of fucked up porn, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever wondered why internet access is so much cheaper these days? It's because internet service providers aren't just making money off subscription fees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're also making money from spying on your internet activity, Bill. No. And selling your history to data, and data to big tech companies. There's four point back of you, bro. So what's the best way to make sure 100% of your data is encrypted, and that your ISP can't get ahold of? Don't be a pervert. Can't get ahold of it? You're gonna go to church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guessed it, ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN creates a secure tunnel between all your devices and the internet so that everything you do online is encrypted. It reroutes your connection through a secure server.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even your router so your entire family can stay protected. That's what's up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Protect your online activity today with a VPN rated number one by Business Insider. Visit our exclusive link expressvpn.com slash drench so you get an extra three months free on a one year package. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash drench.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, that's it. Also, dude, I just gotta do this. This isn't a real ad, it's just a freeze pipe, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, sorry. I hate doing, you know, you know I hate doing that. You gotta do the ad reads, you know. I hear you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I ate, I ate one of those gummies recently. You ever, the one thing that sucks bad is when you're super tired and you eat a wheat edible anyway?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gobbled a couple of those gummies recently and I was like, I was so fucking tired and like stra- like, it was just insane, dude. I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in charge of basketball there was definitely, the coach was eating me all the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was apparently, he was like squirting, he was like going to like squirt the- Roach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fucked up, he was squirting, he was coaching girls' basketball, high school girls' basketball team. Running a very, his basketball camp was good. I separate the basketball camp from the coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, he would like go in the shower and just squirt them with VO5 and they hurry up ladies and like- What's VO5? Shampoo. Dude, he never knew the struggle, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can not do it. I did it for a while and after like two months it was like, alright, I need to wash my hair at least once a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet. Let's wrap this up in an hour. We'll, we'll do round out the hour and slide into the page. You mind if I drain the main? Drain the main actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we'll just, we'll just go to the page. Oh my god. We'll just go to our real page family, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, it'd be funny to bully the guy though, like, you're a fucking dork, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also the worst part is she comforts him after cheating on him. She comforts him after cheating on him. And he gets knocked out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where does he go? If he wants to go, uh, Oh, I hope he's, I wanna, I wanna feel the effects of him immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you, it's exactly where all my alcoholism went, was the treats. Sugar. Sugar. Yeah, Christine says cheese. High chews! High chews are the fucking, fuck Starburst, fuck mambas, fuck jelly beans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She went crazy. Aarishafir got into her brain and scrambled it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a story about those woods. Yea. Apparently you go hiking down the wrong trail, you come back a different person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The racks. Can I tell you as someone that was uh, instrumental in the snacks that were picked out? Pretty pumped that he went after the Doritos sweet and spicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which was Jay's recommendation on the second day as we're walking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet and spicy, that was sweet and spicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just know the purple. I just know them as the purples. Yeah. But the raccoon, Mr. Raccoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we doing charades? What are we doing, charades? I'm a loud guy, so I'd be the first one to die. Alright, shut up. You gotta stay by the fire. Who are you? That'd be the last thing I'd say. What's up, bro? Hey, where you walking? You're walking pretty fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Green Acres. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Without amenities, three days. Like you, you get a tent in a sleeping bag and fire starting equipment, but you're not inside. You're outside. You're completely outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that you're saying raccoon, like I was jokingly saying raccoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just burned to sugar. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I'm saying no indoors at all. Outdoor tent, sleeping bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever see that movie? No. Oh man. Grizzly Man? Yea, he knows one bear and then the bear just fucks his shit. But they don't show it. No, but there's audio recording.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the same line of thought, I don't think it should be like, it's so tragic. It's like, no, he did, he did that himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does the thought ever get to him being like, I'm gonna cannonball. Just gonna cannonball all the way there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's clearly funny he got eaten by a bear, but I'm saying you listen to the audio that we heard and you're like, oh fuck, oh fuck. It's like, it's like, uhm, you know how fights in action movies are always like big noise, and then you see a real fight and it's like, and it's just like that weird sound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then later they were throwing in Brendan Sagalow. Bobby's like, I gotta call my kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was half hand, half face, but with the rubber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And cc.com slash bonfire, go to it. We'll be right back with more Teenage Predators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just her seeing that in my head is it jumps forward 20 years to them cutting that and me being in a sweater vest in a, in a testimony box in court and they go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Yes, I would agree that there were some terrible things said to her sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you speaking? Asian? It's, I don't know what's going on man, this fucking week is, it's Memorial Day, it's also Fleet Week, there's a shit ton of people in this city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy, uh, Texas guy, lawman, Texas ranger, no he's not, he's a fat piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost there. Essentially following the shit. Talking Chris back into letting him fuck. And Chris- Chris Hansen goes, you know what? I'm gonna let you fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the guy, uh, trying to run. Just a taze? He goes, this looks alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're forced to hang out with children, it means the working class is working.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. When it unfurls in public jail, in county jail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, I get in there, they're also easier to trap. That center island move with the lack of hug, little boy wouldn't have opened up for that. He would have let me corner him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't realize you were so nature-y. Jacob, do you want to be pod? Do you want to be pod buds?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Miss, your, your, your widow, excuse me, miss, it runs on a very powerful generator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you- Your tree baby? They're gonna tell it to you. Do you wanna be buried or cremated?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you working off Romero science? What's going on? No, someone said that it like hits a nerve in your back or in your, in your hips and it makes the body


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam Elliott. That looked so much like my, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like a guy that drinks Pol-Tab Budweiser's. Yea, absolutely. He goes FAR OUT MAN! So I'm gonna be in the earth!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm buying the horse off a guy a week earlier. I go, well, we're not gonna race the horse. He goes, I just need to know what you need the horse for. You go, buddy, it's a friend's dying wish. I need the goddamn horse. And then saw its head off and put your body, your upper half on the front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm trying to get this pod, dude. How much does the pod cost?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just say sexually explicit things to it. Do you put the body in the egg?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The white capsule moldy biogradable urn is pearly white color, not brilliant white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just homeless and you build a tree house in the tree and you're like, I live with my dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Dude, I mean, I think we're onto this. I really wanna see, can you hire someone to do a viking funeral? There's no way. There's gotta be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Might be to have the body cremated, dorks. Then do a ceremonial viking funeral, noooo. The deceased would just be in an urn, fuck you. I want the real deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm saying like your knowledge of like how you said Ghost and like you kind of called it with those bands. It's amazing to me that record companies haven't came to like someone like you that's got that knowledge like, could you help us out pick a fucking good metal band? Or do they know...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What actually, what actually was, what really is something that's real that happened because of that, which is crazy, which no one knows, is Hunter Helmsley was supposed to win King of the Ring that year. He was scheduled to win King of the Ring. It's on Bruce Prichard's podcast, they talk about it, on something to wrestle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Triple H was supposed to win this like big tournament or whatever and then he came out to say goodbye to Scott Hall and Kevin Nash with Sean Michaels and X-Pac and they did the, that's the click, that's what they were called. It was before the match happened. It was at the end of the night. It was the last match and it was a dark match, it wasn't on TV, they just came out to do it and uh, it pissed off Vince McMahon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That instead of letting Triple H win the King of the Rings, Stone Cold Steve Austin won it and that's what launched Stone Cold. Like Stone Cold, that was like the beginning of him being the fucking biggest thing in the business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I've met her, uh, actually, I said she was from Monroeville. She's actually from Millville, if y'all are familiar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he wrote on the tip cup. It was like, questions are $10, like this is $5, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, she begs you to come over and bang and doesn't hug you right away. Just keep going. Smash the window if you have to. Get out of there, man!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shame, may I talk to you? You named me Tiburth to be the king of Kas. You ever get in my way of killing a rabbit again, I will kill you in your sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one we were on that like a girls college soccer team got on. And I was like, this one, we're definitely gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen to this real speech. Trump vs. Obama debate is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is the debate that needs to happen. Oh yeaah. He would just, he'd crush. That's the Nugget fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think either of these guys can wrestle with me? Just wrestle with GSP. I'll wrestle with GSP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, is that the crazy lady? Damn. I would have liked to have talked to her. I think she and I could have... Hit it off? Yeah, for sure. Oh hell yeah. She'd have been twerking for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when? It was, it was on a Saturday night. With a guy through a window on Saturday? SantaCon dude. What? Yeaah. That's fucking sick. Got the philly out of me. That's fucking, you put a fucking guy through a window and what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan's size guy. Really? That's outside LB. Yeah dude. Fucking Blitzen. It's a DN. He was lanky, he was tall. Yeah, it was Javon Kirst style. It's perfect. And you got inside. You got leverage. I did. Drove your feet. No holding. No holding either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, I'm pregnant with a burrito. It's hilarious, right? And when she does it, the fat Jewish also does the exact same thing and they both release it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just looking at all those young baby girls out there in the club that he was just ruining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was mad when I was watching this, so I had no sympathy at all. How much he was like, my biggest fear is death. I was just like, alright, I'm outta, this is fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The vine shut down. So then she lost that and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she, well, she was like talentless before Vine. She moved out to LA, had no success at all. Her parents were like, you should come home. Yeah. Back to fucking PA, dude. And then she was like. Sheets nation. Those are Sheets tits. Yeah. Sheets built those fake tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just a real common meme that everybody makes which is like this Halloween mood and you just put on Michael Myers mask and do something. These are all hack internet jokes. Non-stop hacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She made him, she put him on her vines and then he surpassed her. And then she got upset by it. And then she like, it bothered her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but he's batshit. They show him at the end of this and he's just out of his fucking mind. They're both out of their fucking mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. Good win though. Congratulations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only, you both agreed on everything except two. You're both, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christine is the only one that's uh, that uh, abused you by using drugs and alcohol. Oh yeaah. You never did that to her. Nope. I wouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not, not this way man, nah man, this is just not, I'm gonna get them to wash the floor. Really? That's a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I told you this in the email, I, I perp, I don't play anywhere, any, I play, I'm playing a lot more subdued than I ever do. Spit it out. Because of my neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Low volume cymbals, because I'm in my parents' garage. I have to play, so I have to buy these. They're, they're brand new things so you can play as loud as you want and your neighbors won't call the police on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about the seller incidents, like the R Kelly stuff and the Louis CK stuff and just looking at all this, it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely, all of this is a reminder of like, don't fucking look up or idolize people just because they're talented. It's a problem across the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it'd have to be like a lifelong contract of X amount of dollars and you'd have to always know that they could up it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually believe he did nothing but write. But still, looks great for his age. What are we talking about here? I don't believe in rape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't crazy. That's gotta be a weird feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so. Oh man, racism doesn't seem so offensive after that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, well, I, uh, you know, part of the problem, uh, I got, I do the, I'm doing daily YouTube videos now, you can check that out, youtube.com slash dsmithcomic. Of course, my special and album, Libertas, still available at gasdigitalnetwork.com. And, uh, I think we have a festival coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you listened to the last episode and didn't think that the message was that we were supporting that special, I don't know what you were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, that's an aggressive one. Yeah, that one was more head buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, so then it's cool. No, like if someone did that to your chick, you'd definitely have a problem with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm with you, like, it's not okay, you shouldn't do that, but to say like, here's video of a woman being sexually assaulted does seem like I was expecting a little bit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was one where like a chick like stops a guy and then tells him off and they were playing that, like celebrating her. No, I didn't think she was throwing a punch. I'm thinking of a different one, but she was just like, you don't do that, don't ever do that again. And I saw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what that has to do with this, but I just want to egg Lewis on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoever made this site was like, well the fun is just in guessing, right? That's a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's too much of a glammy photo. It's a cool David Buster's as lady boy. What do we got next?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME. BITCH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I set boundaries or I tell them how I feel, that's me being stubborn. I'm pretty much very limited on what I'm allowed to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I blacked out and fucked on an air mattress this week, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching losers, that's what I was afraid of the whole time. I was watching losers on Netflix with one eye, eating pussy with the other eye and worried about busting through a mattress the entire time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, Clara was wearing a fucking, Clara was wearing a fucking Sheetz, Sheetz camo the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not. It's secondhand. Is she all about it though? So I'm abusing someone's trust right now. Is that all, is that, is she all about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about R Kelly? We're gonna get to R Kelly later. You know exactly who the fuck that is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were watching it, I was watching it, and it was like, this family got to hang out at Neverland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like dude, I might take one, one or two for my family to have a nice vacation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boondock Saints does not hold up. As a white trash Irish-American, that's supposed to be like my fucking go-to. That's supposed to be your goodwill. Boondock Saints stinks. That's the dumb man's goodwill hunting. That's our departed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it doesn't hold up at all. I haven't seen it. Nah, Boonox Ain't Fuckin' Sucks. Unfortunately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real nice. Oh. Oh, on the eve of St. Patty's Day too, dude. I'm coming down on my people. Is tomorrow St. Patty's Day? No, but you know what I mean, it's close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes! If it was fuckin' December, whatever, and I was shittin' on Christmas, you'd be like, huh, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I've been around long enough, I believe that Joe Jackson, rest in peace, he did the best that he could in raising this showbiz family. Michael became the star of the family. Pause it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not well, she doesn't need to hear this. That's great.