[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one, um, patron exclusive episode. And of course, when you buy in, you get access to the now 20 something other patron exclusives that have been done for 30 of them or whatever. I don't know how many there are, but, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's the system now. Now I'm not getting rid of the $10 tier, cause I know some of you aren't gonna see this, and you're gonna just keep it on there, because you forgot who I was, and you were like, you haven't realized that every month $10 comes out, cause you actually have a job or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, is this stupid podcast worth the amount of money you're getting out of it? Absolutely not. And I'd like to think of... I'd like to think that you guys would think that I'm some sort of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Willing to take a pay cut to provide a service for his fans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I know he's just gonna turn around and buy Stinger missiles and blow up Palestinian kids with it, and I can't abide by that. Those Palestinian kids could have been General Sam fans, and then that money would then go back into my pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh, this episode has Omid in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's a Twitch streamer. He's our guest for today. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many of those fucking things do you have? It looked like you had two or three of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was a couple Italian people that I sent over there. Cause I have a very Italian audience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have like a god mod on there, don't you? He's like really active.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just swamped New Orleans. Uh, a bunch of, um, I guess refugees moved into my area and we had to take in like X amount of them and they put up like, uh, public housing and stuff for them. And so we got some new students in my middle school and one of them was this really fat chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's one of the first things you learn as a Katana owner, is how to properly...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know how like, uh, we, we had, we actually got together on Friday, right? And we recorded like 14 minutes of a podcast and just decided we weren't even in the fucking mood, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, uh, my grandfather. Yeah, my grandfather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would sit in the, he had a circle driveway and it would sit right at the, like the apex of the circle. And he used to sit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just stare out his front window at this fucking bird that would sit on his like rear view mirror and it would stand on the mirror and then look down at itself upside down in the mirror and freak out and just peck the mirror and he would just, he would sit there and look at it and he's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys wanna, do you guys wanna listen to the rap god thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, cause I tried to put my cock in one of those little electric holes, and I know there's voltage running through that shit. But, I wouldn't be, the voltage, not voltage, the routing table's all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were discussing this where you're going, I think there's like maggots in the bottom right hand corner. Isn't that like a pile of maggots over there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's wearing like a court-appointed helmet, riding down the sidewalk with his fucking bike and everybody's throwing garbage at him, like eggs and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got, he's got a dental mirror duct taped on his helmet, of course he's got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, I remember, I remember 50 first dates with Drew Barrymore. Oh yea, that's an airplane movie. Yea, it's a very sinister ending.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really hope they have like, they just have like little squires that they, that they sit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my dad was the opposite. He would, he would play movies that he loved and he would, he would do this thing where he'd like tap you on the shoulder and go like, what? This is the good part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was your first, uh, rated R movie? And this applies for you and me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need to, we need to bring our drug correspondent on here and ask him what exactly is he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the Vice City cover had like a lady in a bikini on it. My mom was like, I don't know if you should have this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing stuff with Abby a bunch, because we realized that if we closed the door, then they're gonna be like, what's going on back there? The door's closed. But they would only come check on us like once every couple hours or something, or come back there if the door was open, so we just fucked with the door open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chances are they won't interrupt us. And then also like, I don't know, I've told Brian this, but one time I was fucking whacking off. I'm talking like, you know, when you get into it, you're like, I'm completely fine. Mom's not going to be home for four hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's past lunchtime so that I know nobody's coming home for lunch. I'm golden. So you're in the kitchen. There is some shit. I'm full nude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was too old for this at the time, but when Resident Evil 5 came out, which I'm looking, I went and looked it up because I couldn't think of the fucking lady's name, it came out in 2009. I was in fucking high school. And this game comes out, and there's this lady, Excella, in the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Circling back to the Adam Sandler thing, who do you think is a better comedy actor turned drama actor? Jim Carrey or Adam Sandler? Jim Carrey. I mean Eternal Sunshine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that that even has a labeled name for a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there is a weird, I guess, trope, so to speak, of like, older dudes with younger women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Hollywood. Like, you don't see women in the hot roll in their 50s, but all the time with dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was like 20 years later. They have another interview. She's like, you know, back in like 1995, you said that you, uh, sometimes women like to get hit and you hit them to straighten them out. And he goes, yeah, my opinion on that hasn't changed. But y'all, my opinion hasn't changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was no way that was gonna be adapted well. It just can't be made into a good movie, I don't think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, do you see fucking, uh, uh, what's that guy's name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, I went up in a space, like I didn't even know they had a space program. I went and watched the video, have you seen it? It's like the funniest thing in the world. They just, they get like this giant two propellored plane and they fly really high up in the air and then his, then it has like a center plane that drops off and then just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen the inside of that fucking thing? They act like it's so cool. They're like, it's a double wide with a lot of velcro in it. That's all it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want like, I don't want half measures. Like if you're gonna have an international space station, go all in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, his last name's probably something stupid, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just looks at, uh, Transporn all day. I don't know if he does. He doesn't watch movies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see me come into your chat yesterday? I think you were, you were in the middle of something, but cause you were like, I don't know if I can make it 1 PM, you know, I'll have to drink some coffee or something. And uh, and I went and looked in your chat and it said you had like an hour left until.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, hurricanes suck, it's all rainy, but afterwards, once there's no power for a week...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget which one. Oh, it was the Hufflepuff Sigma male one, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, it was supposed to be like a Harry, like you were, you were talking about there being like a Harry Potter guy, like photoshopping one of our faces over like one of the little wizard boys. I like John Wick in it. I like John Wick in it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys seen Chernobyl? That TV show? Who's the fucking asshole that's like, it's uh, it's only three ronkin or whatever, the guy that's like the, the manager of the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reenacting horrible tragedies. After enough time has passed, it's no longer tragic. So like, 50 years from now, they're gonna have like, see what it's like to be an office worker in the World Trade Center. And it's like, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hear, like down the stairwell, you just hear their shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's too risky for me to appeal to get the banned handle of my previous Twitter account.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all the ones that are high up on the viewership thing. No, if you like, go by genre or whatever, like if you see Tarkov streamers that are female, there's nothing wrong there, but if you go to just chatting, they're not just chatting. There is nothing chatty about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just made the- cause Sam- look at Sam's background. I wasn't gonna have just a plain back-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's awesome. I was, I was educating Brian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to get your cursive right. You have to know these things. Like, you have to be able to do all this math in your head. And then you get to high school. I didn't use cursive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know what, like, maybe, I think I'd probably get better time if I put my dick in a hairdryer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say, I don't know why they, why they turn on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possibly the, uh, uh, man with the perfect ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's raping you at gunpoint, you're like, I ain't fuckin scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, write that one down. We need to get a fucking doctor in here to explain giant people like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that one guy that you knew that would always say, let's rape it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In front of a church group, no? No, no, no, no. So he fucked a homeless man in front of a church group is what it was. Took it up the ass. I wouldn't have sex with a homeless person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I 100% do, they fuckin', they carry diseases, they share needles, and they fuck each other in the ass all the time. I believe that they have AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe all homeless people have AIDS, that is a fact. If you've been homeless for more than a week, you probably have AIDS.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, just say it, just say the joke. You need me to bring back what I said? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First two letters, N and then I. It is Niagara. But then a K.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so anyways, thank you Minaj.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had, okay, he had one match and one date and he went to the date and then apparently a bunch of friends of hers showed up and they left with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other thing was he also, he actually bought a, so you know what Udemy is? He bought, he bought a Udemy course. I don't even know if you can track the students on there, but he bought a Udemy, cause he's probably the only one that ever bought this. He bought a Udemy course on how to make a Tinder profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I get it, but it was just to make it like Tinder, how to set up a Tinder and stuff. It was like a $15 course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With him, like, the other day, and she was like complimenting him and saying like, yo, wow, you're tall and all this stuff, right? And his only response was he looked at her and just said, you can go ahead of me. Like, he just let her go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only way they're gonna see the penis is if you Louis C. Caleb. Or worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little side, it's a little side table. That is not a TV poom. What kind of TV do you have? That is, I will buy you a TV, if that's how big it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or not, I guess, like a table, a stand. Oh, the house is, it's just that, that's just the biggest, biggest fucking red flag, just brightest reddest flag is the fucking weird mustering room with the couch staring at a wall with a cut couch behind it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has, okay, he does have a bedroom, he doesn't, his actual bedroom he doesn't have a picture of. The bedroom that he does have is like a guest bedroom and it has a scale because he weighs himself every day. And he goes in that room. Or, I don't-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I, you know, I'm, I'm part of, I'm particularly like, you know, swiping on them, you know, expecting to be like married to these women. I mean, some of these people, you don't have to marry them. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't know if he recorded any of these.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you would, you would see like, you know those like World Vision commercials or whatever? You just see like, it would be like this little fuckin' middle of nowhere place in Ethiopia and a bunch of dead kids and baseballs rolling around on the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can't afford the $1000 a month tags. Oh my god, that would be horrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can even like, like, you can even like, you can like whisper in her ear and be like, listen, this is just for a second because I'm in this horrible situation. I'm between a cock and a hard place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think vaguely I remember when I was a little kid in diapers I vaguely remember him picking me up over my shoulder and I shit myself and it shit went into the floor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a more serious note, would you take $100,000 but your mom would only speak Minion for the rest of her life? But you speak fluent Minion. You'd understand her completely. No. No. She would speak Minion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but it wouldn't impact her life that much. You get a hundred grand, and she has like, all her businesses would be- Have you seen technology, have you seen technology nowadays, Pooh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she speaks Minion for the rest of her life, that's it. But you speak Min- you can be your translator if you want it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if she called you frantically one day to tell you your fucking like brother died in a car accident, but she said it all in minion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She speaks Minion for a year, Poob. And you, AND you've retained the knowledge of Minion speak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For a year, for a year, for a year, for a year poop. And every time you go outside to the store with her in grocery, you find out she's like really racist. Because she'll say this really horrible racist shit to people, but in Minion speak. Because she knows that only you would understand. I don't think she would say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did it get to me? I got mine back in December and it took a week. It took two days actually. You got it before the corona crazies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, that's unfortunate. Alright, fine. One trillion dollars, no? That's a trillion dollars, boob. You could probably- What am I gonna fucking do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Japanese are on that shit, and that and fucking sex robots?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you saying minions are not, they don't have the brain capacity of regular humans?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what that would imply too? That means that people would go out of their way to go through the pain of childbirth to eat it. Yeah, throw it in, see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because if it weren't for Kim Jong Un, they wouldn't have invited him over. With his shitty eyeballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're talking about the- Okay, yeaah, I know what you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for the, and you know, she kept talking about foot jobs and how Baron's dick is not big enough for a foot. I don't even know what that means.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam told her not to, and she's like, well, it's still technically my account at the end, and so she posted it anyways, and that's what, you know, guess what, she got banned for 12 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I think very true, I didn't know he was 14, I thought he was 14, 4 years ago. Yea. I don't know how old he was, I don't fucking pay attention to that shit. It's not my country. Go fuck. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I think it would be very hard for me to not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently he's just brachiodactyl long thumbs. That's like, that's the way it's just like long thumb, bro. He just got long thumb. I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just, yeaah, exactly, just go talk for- Are we gonna do this until 7pm? This is for all the people that come- He's gonna- I swear to god as soon as we leave to go pee, this motherfucker's not even gonna be online. This is gonna be off. We're gonna come back to each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, we got the guy from- that does the pumpkin stuff. Okay. Uh, new to- he does, uh, Rust. His name's Wellen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of the few people that has as many views per video as subscribers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a rare feat, right? That's good, right? That's not a mean thing to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only thing keeping you alive right now, keeping me from jumping on you like a bonobos monkey on your face is the fact that you're looking at me through a webcam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I did, uh, we frantically wrote down stuff about you at the last second, uh, cause we're professional, you know, we're professional interview guys. Uh, hold on a second. I got so many booked here, it's hard to find all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, we're gonna talk, we're playing Tarkov and I started to talk about this and I was like, I'm gonna cut him off right fucking here because that's skipping content, potential content for the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't want to get to know you too well. So, I saw on Twitter you went to the Black Lives Matter protest in Washington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did indeed. Yeah? Is that DC or what, like Seattle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you go because of your love of anarchism or did you go because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you see that fucking old guy get pushed on his ass and like his head popped when he hit the ground?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the National Guard, they were the ones to stop and actually, like, uhm, god, I feel like I'm embraced between your big guns when you adjusted your camera. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never had it, no. As you can tell. I've done a good job of masking up my immature mind, but uhm, I think it's finally-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's finally time to come clean. I'm actually a teenager mentally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was gonna read it and I was like, eh, don't worry about it. Uhm, yeaah, so that Black Lives Matter protest thing, were you there for like the whole thing? Did you loot anything? No. No. So I went to the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chance. That's really, honestly, like if you're a lawmaker, that's your worst nightmare is a good unified chant. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I can't wait until we have to call 911 and then pay for the police to come to your house. That's what I can't wait for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe like have a constant hired police force at a, at a, at a fingertips call away. That's what I want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just hire, yea, you hire your own police force. I don't want these, uh, these socialist police forces that are paid by taxes. That's fucking commie nonsense. Yea, that's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, so what do you feel like since you've been at the protest, you're obviously more political than I am. I'm a hermit, I don't fucking know, right? Uhm, I just, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if there was a way that they could make it so that they could get triple lane drive-throughs, cause we have the double decker drive-throughs right now, but I want the- Oh, like one on top of the other? No, no, they're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wide, like you split up as you pull in the parking lot, you have to branch out into, like you're about to do NASCAR around the building. Is there a better lane? Uh, usually the one closer to the building.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then if you, like, I'm always scared I'm gonna run out of gas or something, and so I don't wanna be stuck with no gas and be like next to the building with a car outside, you know? I don't know if you've ever had that problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, uhm, wait, so have you always lived in DC?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you always see movies and stuff, when people have diplomatic immunity, it's always like, the, the diplomat's son, like, stabs some guy, and then he has the immunity. Like, does it go that far, or is it just like, yeaah, you can bring grapes into my country?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, so, uh, I got a question for you, since you're like, your channel's eight times the size of mine now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it a point of pride surpassing all these people you used to look up to and now you can just stomp on them like ants?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keeping you from, keeping me from jumping on you like a bonobos monkey on your face is, is the fact that you're looking at me through a webcam. If we were in the same room, it would be game over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll, I'll whip out the thesaurus and start making Rust videos, it'll be game over. There's a pumpkin patch down the road, I could take this guy over in no time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you, then you turn into Sir Winter. Y'know? Just turn into- What does that mean? Welcome to Solo Survival's number fuckin' 847. Y'know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, uh, okay, so how about this? Innovators.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've, you've come up now, I think you shake hands more than I do, right? Like, move around, talk to all these different YouTubers and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you seem like kind of a solo guy, right? You don't, you don't sit there and hang out with other YouTubers all day, do you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you on that Misfits podcast, man. Those guys are, uh, how cool are those guys? Besides Swipe Souls, obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you think that's a pad, dude? Wait until you see my 1500 square foot home in the shithole of Florida. This place is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like carnal and weird. I dunno, they freak me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what's weird about alligators is, uh, they kinda cap out on length pretty early, and then they just get girthy and big. And so like, a five-foot alligator, you know, one of them, uh, a young one, you could pick up by the neck and squash its head, and then, uh, as I've done many times. Wow. No, I haven't done that. I was about to say, that, that was a vis-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, but sometimes like a six foot alligator could be like a hundred pound difference and that fucking thing could take off your foot, you know? Like, so there's a, I would say maybe a couple years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say like, can you take it in a fight if it's like laying on a rock and it hasn't eaten in a while and it's just kind of like chilling there and it's like low energy or whatever or it's cold?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if that alligator has low T, you know, you can walk over there and just like clamp its mouth shut and it can't do anything. Like they have no muscle to open up their mouth. But- Oh, cause it's all closed. Yeaah, it's all like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they have like one little muscle that goes like this, and so like that's why the, uh, the Alligator Hunter guy, Crocodile Hunter, you just walk up and just grab it like it was a wallet, and just pfft, grab the mouth, and they were like, okay, I'm fucked now. So, in the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So tell me about those rap battles. What's the worst rap battle you've ever had? The worst rap battle? Have you ever had, I assume it's a lot like stand up comedy where it's like sometimes you just do it and everybody's like, I'm not vibing with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the games manager knocks him out and that guy falls like a, just a sack of cinder blocks man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it looks like the opposite of a fucking vampire coming out of his coffin, you know, like he just went straight back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this shit's been manually demonetized. Like, if I go to the option, it's like- How do you do that? How does that work? A fucking guy from YouTube came walking down here and was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took that shit. It's like, it's grayed out. There's nothing I can do to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like they came down and said nah. Ain't gonna work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what the hell, man? I've seen, uh, if you go on YouTube, there's like, uh, breastfeeding tutorials that are monetized, and it's just ladies getting their titties sucked on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, seductively, but like, it's under the guise of education, and they have like breast pumps, and they're like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's probably going to. Just, cause all it is is just me just sitting here on the verge of tears cause my spine's all fucked up just fucking reading my form.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So do you find, uhm, uh, do you find it is a good match with your whole like, I play video games for a living type lifestyle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, at the Globo Jam you're going to now, are you allowed to grunt and make noise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I'm gonna be on planet fitness's side here because often times when I'm on my elliptical and there's these guys grunting and sweating and screaming while they lift weights it intimidates me. I feel emasculated, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm like, you know, that maybe they should put down those heavy weights and maybe carry me out into the parking lot and have their way with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I'm gonna have a, uh, I'm trying to get Swagger Souls on here, and he's playing hard to get. Yeah, but uh, I'm trying to punch above my weight in every possible way. Maybe if I get you on here, I'll set a good precedent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, he used to whip it out at parties and play the piano with it. He would like slap it on the keys. But he, uhm, get this, check out his show, dude. His old show. Me and my editor were talking about this, dude. It's so strange, cause like, TV and stuff used to be so corporate. Everybody thinks things are corporate now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But back in the day, his TV show was called the Texaco Roadhouse Show or something. And it was owned, it was owned by Texaco, like they were the main sponsor. Their name was in the fucking title. Like what if like Family Guy was called like Family Guy Pepsi Time or something, you know? Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and so he's sitting there doing this thing, it's called the Texco Roadhouse Show or something, and then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's the whole thing of Razputin. Nobody gives a fuck about him talking to the- What do you mean nobody- That's like, that's his thing!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like those, the Russian guy that fucked all the aristocracies wide. Yup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was I saying? And then apparently they have his cock cut off and in a jar somewhere. Yeah, in a jar in a museum!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which by the way, I hope that thing's fake because that's a fucked up looking cock. If that's what pleases a lady, I'm almost glad I can't please a lady because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It better be the vinegar in that jar, fucking that thing up. It's like, it's a pickled cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a myth. Those don't exist. Ah okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, uh, yeaah, look at Rasputin's face though, dude. That's the only way that guy could've made it. He looks like a foot. His hairline's worse than mine. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause at least with like, the thinning hairline, as it goes back, you can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well one, you could get like a, uh, what is it called? The plants? The implants or whatever? Or you could do, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eventually it might connect and you can have the Dr. Phil hairline where it looks like a public toilet seat. It just goes around the edge. It doesn't meet up in the middle, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the Caesar crown, the Caesar crown, yeah, the olive branch, yeah. But uhm, oh yeah, anyways, what I was gonna say about Swagger Souls, I've always heard that those guys are drug fiends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're always talking about narcotics and stuff. Did you see any hard drug usage while you were there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, you know, if, if pot wasn't legal there, I was about to say you're a fucking narc. Cause you were, you were supposed to keep your lips zipped. You were supposed to be like, nah man. There's, there's, uh, they weren't doing shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if I went to Australia, I would not be sitting on the coast anywhere. I would be- I w- I wanna see what's in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to sit on the edge of the world and look out at the water. Like I want to turn around and go towards the cool inland spots. You know? I want to see the aboriginal people. Beautiful culture. You know? They're hanging out in the middle still, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, you don't know. I don't know, I have no idea. You know they had to put out a PSA telling them not to sleep in the roads anymore. Cause they would just lay out a sleeping bag in the middle of the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, wow, I hope that thing doesn't come back, let's throw out the other sleeping bag and sleep next to this dead guy. But it, uh, yeaah, they had to put out a bunch of signs everywhere, like, don't camp here. Don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna go check that place out because it's like, I feel like it's still...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't really get lost in America anymore. You know, like, the map is filled in, but I feel like Australia-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alaska, yes. But Montana, no, because, uh, remember those two gay guys tried to have in a relationship and they made a whole fucking movie about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, about that documentary. One of the guys in that relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ends up becoming an actor later and he plays the Joker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the dark night. Did you know that? Really? That's incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I've looked it up and I don't even, I can't even find it on the map. I think it's like the white man's Wakanda.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have never been to New Jersey except for like to land in the airport and take the little train over or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, in New York, yeah. Which is funny because I was like, I was a teenager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were like, hey, you're landing, welcome to Newark. And I thought the guy just had an accent and he was saying New York and I get out and there's just shipping containers everywhere and it's just a rusty shithole and there's like the Mafia's dumping bodies in the water. I'm like, this place fucking sucks. New York, this is supposed to be the center of American culture. This place fucking sucks. I didn't realize they just named it similar. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, dude, I took the Amtrak from Florida, from Jacksonville, up to, uh, uh, right there at, fuck, where, where did we get off? We got off like right there in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget the name of that, that station. Anyways, so we went all the way up, and like, when you get to DC,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just a testament to how shitty the South is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you're on a diesel engine the whole way up to DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was in that little Amtrak thing, and I whizz all the way down to DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so slow, we like went half the speed all the way home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I feel like? You know what I feel like it is? It's like, when, uh, uh, I feel like your home's getting broken into, and you turn around and you're like, alright, what do I have to defend myself with? And then you see that old heirloom


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, uh, bolt action rifle your dad gave you, and the stock's all wobbly, and you can see air between the breech, you know, like it doesn't close all the way, and the fucking barrel's bent, and you're like, well this is the last shot, I mean, I have one, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was also sane, which you know, call me crazy, but I feel like the president should be sane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody thought that like, you know, uh, uh, sexually abusing women and screaming at, uh, black people was not an electability thing and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he like, he like, he built a fence around the White House and then people quickly turned it into a memorial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people have like, they've plastered it with like posters and shit of all the people that have been killed. And so now, like, if you're in the White House looking out, you just see the back of paper all the way around. There's no way to see everybody. Wow. Yeah, it's kinda-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think, what, at what point is he gonna look out and go, wow, they really don't like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you know, a guy with that much ego, he's probably like, man, that's like, you know he's still looking out going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think? How much do you think it sucks to be Melania right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she's a fucking model and she didn't sign up for this shit. Yeah, but like, bruh, this is, this is, you can't just plagiarize a speech. You can when you're like, hey,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I signed up to suck this nasty orange cheeto cock every once in a while and drink fuckin' uh, mimosas every day. Like that's all she wanted to do ten years ago. She didn't think she was gonna be the fuckin' first lady, so she just went like, hey, what'd she do? Oh, okay. That was cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was cool when she did it, I could do it too, why not? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's always people that are like trying to cancel everybody. I remember, you know, Pestily?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like they, it's like that Vietnam picture of the guy executing the, the Viet Cong soldier or whatever. Yeah. It's not like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, to cancel other people. I remember one of my first guests was a, uh, a trans porn star. Right? And I was asking her all these questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I don't know if you know, but that shit's kinda confusing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And apparently, you are like the root of all evil for asking questions. Like seeking knowledge is like the worst thing in the world, right? I don't care who the fuck you're fucking, right? I don't- it don't bother me. And uh, and- and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, as a porn star, got like cancelled by other trans people for even answering questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You know, they're like, you're done with this group. And I'm like, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, well, I think like one of the weird points I brought up was like, I think my uncle, he died like a couple years ago, that fucking dude probably lived his whole life not even knowing that you could get a sex change, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like there's so many people act like, uh, people need to know trans pronouns and everything like right now. And I'm like, I just want you guys to know like two years ago,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's a thing now, you know? Cause I know that's been a thing for like 30, 40 years or whatever, I don't know how long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I'm talking about like, you know, if there's like, uh, a woman that was born biologically, uh, a man and then gets everything cut off and then is now a woman, you know? Like, I don't think that surgery's been around a whole lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But then you could finally say-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My grandma got her leg taken off and she has that phantom limb pain and like there's a way to fix it. What you do is you take a mirror.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you put it next to where your limb's taken off, right? And then, uh, and then you put your other leg in front of it and you like look into the mirror and see the reflection of your other leg. And so it gives your eye and mind the illusion that your leg is still there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it just, it just, seeing it there is like, uh, almost like an equilibrium thing. Like, you're like, oh, okay, it's actually there. And then it- We good, we good! Yeah, it stops like, freaking out, cause, uh, there's like some inner mind that's always fighting against your regular mind, apparently, inside your, your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it's called liquid courage. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get into a fight like that, well, I guess that would override it, but have you ever been in like a stone cold sober fight?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're just like, just one of those squat fucking guys. Uh, yeah, that, that, it, you do seem like a wrestler. Have you been in a fight? No, I was just, I was asking because like, there's that flight or fight response. You're talking about like the lizard brain, you know, like your instinctual brain. And like, it's weird how like if someone's charging at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, it's not even like subconsciously, you're, you're just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll just make up your mind. I'm gonna fuckin' lay this guy out or I'm gonna run. Yeah. And like, I don't know, I've never been in a situation where flight or flight... Fight or flight takes place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, I think that fucking, that weird ass like planet bar you brought me to in Seattle was the first time I've ever been in a bar. Ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know why that was so great? Is because it was populated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, it was from the top down, it was like, oh, we're going to make this EDM party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna, uh, we got the lights, we got the laser light show going on, we got the music, tech, check, everything to make a great rave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was great about it was like everybody that was in there was just like a nerd. Right? And it was totally not their scene.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so they were just clinging to the hopes that maybe a little bit of alcohol will make this not fucking horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody was swarming those bars and they were handing out like, dixie cups with like, they were just like, dribble, like a dribble of alcohol and giving it out for free, cause you know, Facebook doesn't have any fucking money, so they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a, that was a, that was a fun time though. That was like the first time I'd ever seen other YouTube people. And they're always cool. Every time. I haven't met one fucking jackass yet. You know? Which I'm expecting to. Have you met anybody that you absolutely hate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you said not in person. Is there somebody not in person that you absolutely hate?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see, I need to get a less chipper person on here. I need another- cause I'm like such a pessimistic-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I wanna get like an angry person on here. Cause you're all like fucking happy-go-lucky and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, no, I'm not saying like, what I was expecting, right, was I would show up to Seattle and there would be like these egos bumping, you know, but everybody was really cool. Like I, you know, sometimes, like for example, Surge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's super cool. And then you see him and he's all sloven shit and I was like, this fucking guy's gotta talk down to us, I can smell it. And he was cool as hell. He was cool as fuck. And uh, uhm, yeaah, I can't think of anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is not, dude. Dude, he will straight up tell you, we went to Dick's Burgers, and we got some burgers, and we went back to this park to eat them, and he spent the entire time having a life or death fight with a fucking bee. This bee was like, it would get near him, and he was just like, I'm just- AHH!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously, to the point of flaw, like you could tell he's the kind of guy you could be like, hey man, that's, you're awesome, you're Jordan, right? I got a, I'm looking for my dog down here, got lost in this alleyway, will you help me out? And he'll be like, righto bucko, let's go! And he'll be like, follow you down the alley so you can mug him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The memory of that beautiful vacation I had in Seattle is to bring up that fucking guy. If it like, and I'm sitting there trying to hang out with my friends that I've met on YouTube, you know, these colleagues and everything, and like, we're walking by all these homeless people, and we had just went to Starbucks, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, he was, he was appalled that he had to spend six bucks on a nice piping hot thing of coffee. First thing he does, walk by a homeless guy, he dumps it in his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was like, that six bucks was worth it. I was like, holy shit, Aqua, this is, this is a human being. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I didn't fucking know about. Battlestate Games just released a list of the channels that have drops, you know? And my channel's on it. And I didn't ask for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just told me, they were like, they were like, you're gonna stream tomorrow. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I made my, I made a video today and I posted it and it was like, that was the beginning, that was the whole catalyst for the video was I asked him, I was like, you give me 4D fuel for my account right fucking now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes. I wasn't really planning on bumping into him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a whole lot harder to be funny for like, unedited stream and everything. That's, that's difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like all these PSA segments I've already filmed and they're gonna be like in the loading screens I'll play them like commercials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got like, guests coming on and everything. I got Nikita to do a word of inspiration. So I got like, he sent me an audio file of him going, I believe in you Sam, you can do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, I got- That's great! Yeah, I got Pestily Greenscreen. I have- I like- I have him superimposed into some clouds, and he's going, Go on, Sam. I believe in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, have you seen, have you seen Pestily today? He's just getting fucking destroyed in that mall over and over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not even getting into gunfights, he's just walking and then he'll fall over. It is so depressing. That sucks. Yeaah. With 160,000 people watching him fuck up over and over again. That sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, there's nothing worse than like, you get nothing but just good, uh, stuff, right? Good comments. You get the bad ones that are just like, you're fat or whatever, which I'm like, I'm fine with. But then, but then there's like one guy that does a well thought out argument that just dismantles your life, you know? Like he's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, you've been on some serious shit for a long time. Two years running. I've watched you just go into just garbage content. This is shit. It's low effort, and they'll explain why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've changed it a little bit. This lady said that I was, uh, I was, she, she accused me of dog whistling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I had to look up on Google because I had no idea I was doing this. And apparently, uh, what I'm doing is I'm enabling, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say one thing, which means one thing to everybody, but then it also is coded subliminal messaging for fringe hate groups, is what she said. And I said, I said uhm, I think you think that I'm smarter than I actually am because I had to look that shit up. I didn't know what the fuck that meant. And then, uh, and apparently that's what I'm doing now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was that guy? He was another, uh, uh, black guy that got shot by the cops. There's millions now. And the, uhm, he was jogging was his thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was super recent. And I've seen people, I've even picked up on this with my slow, dim-witted mind, because I'm just on Twitter, I follow a bunch of porn stars, and I'm like, alright, let me scroll down here and find some titties, right? But in between the titties, I saw this tweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where this guy was talking about joggers, and I was like, that seems like that might be double entendre for not, not sexual, but like, like he might-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might mean black people. No, like he meant like he was referring to black people as joggers, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yikes. By the way, since we're on the topic of racism, I've been thinking about this, uh, since black people have the n-word, can't white people have fella? You know, and we can only say, we can only say feller? You know what the hard are?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't wanna say it, I'm just saying only we can say it. You know? But uhm, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, I would be right there in the protest with you, you know? I know I came off as uh, accusatory and uh, aggressive towards you being in the protest, only to get a rise out of you, but it didn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're so cool at it. I would be there if I wasn't such a fucking, uhm, homebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm so introverted, like, I don't fucking hang out with people. I certainly am not gonna go hang out in the middle of a crowd during, uh, what can loosely be defined as the worst pandemic of the, the last hundred years, you know? Uh, since the Spanish flu. But, uh, did you have your mask on for your, your protesting? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They recommend having a mask on, uh, for two things, one to keep the, you know, from getting sick, and the other so that they can identify you when you kill the cops. How many, how many kills did you get?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, couldn't you argue though that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just quiet? Alright. No, no, here's the thing that I've been wondering. When you dismantle the police, right? Because this is uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is one of those things where there's no, uh, everybody acts like there's like a right and wrong answer. Uh, where in reality, uhm, the world's a complicated, dirty, shitty place. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you dismantle the police, who the fuck are you gonna get to replace the police?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about this on a previous, not this podcast, I went on somebody else's podcast, so nobody's fucking seen it. So, I uh, this uhm, this lady was breaking down why, like, rapes were so prevalent in Vietnam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? And you could take this kid that's like from the middle of America, he's just a good old corn-fed boy that has never done anything wrong, goes to church on Sunday, right? He's just a good guy that would leave a completely perfect normal life, law-abiding citizen, pick him up,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop him into a war zone and all of a sudden give him a rifle and a bunch of buddies that are like minded and he can be, he can be committing war crimes. Yeah. Rapes and murders, wiping out villages and shit. And then you pick them back up, bring them back to the U S and he resumes his law abiding life, but he sleeps in the closet every night crying. Um, you know, why can you do that? Why does that happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it really fundamentally an issue with each individual cop or is it an issue with the culture of policing itself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think that's actually- We haven't had an actual war since World War- since Korean War, I think. Everybody's been plainclothes civilian soldier insurgents since then. Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Economically, they're at a better position now to rule the world than they've ever been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're bigger now as a force than they've ever been in the past. And, here's another thing, I read this, uh, this guy's opinion, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they sat there and tried to do this like world conquering thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, because they wanted to be big and everything. But, uh, haven't they effectively done that by running the U.N.?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've effectively done everything that they were trying to do in WW2, but they just did it peacefully. And with shaking hands and handing out wiener schnitzels, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, everybody acts like, they sit there and try to just demolish everything that they did. You gotta admit, Hugo Boss went wacky mode on them outfits. If you take off that, if you take off that swastika, them some fucking fierce looking motherfuckers with them trench coats and everything, and those cool hats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking, they're bad, they look like they were evil. You know? But it was a, it was a- They do look like they were evil. It was a bomb ass look, let's be honest. But uh, uh, totally gross people though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything else was not cool at all, but them outfits were fire. Jesus Christ. What? You can't say they had cool outfits? Okay, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that so bad? Like people all the time, they'll wear fucking, uh, they'll wear like a Che Guevara t-shirts and shit. That guy was executing people in Cuba left, right, front and center. But they don't have a problem with that. You know? But Che Guevara, that was a handsome guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would let him annex me and then create a false famine. You know? For a chance, uh, a chance dinner with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Is it what you would consider a slam piece?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but Godwin's Law, like that could be applied to anything. Like, let's talk about, uh, uh, like, I don't know, clubbing seals, right? Baby seals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not Nazism, but like, let's say clubbing baby seals. The more you talk about things that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but what I'm saying is like the more you don't talk about something, the higher probability there will be of it eventually popping up, right? Because there's only so many things to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've kinda turned into like a pre-jaculator, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I have made a podcast. Now I know you all are exciting because the concept of a YouTuber making a podcast is a new one. Uh, no one's ever done it before but, you know, I've always felt like I was a trailblazer. Someone brave. Pushing boundaries that nobody else has pushed before. And uh, and so I decided to make this podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, really? The real reason is, uh, uh, I went on that, uh, Aqua's podcast, right? I was like, hey, he was like, I'm starting a podcast, I guess I'll...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need a guest. And I said, hey, you know what? I'll cut you a favor. I'll be a guest on your podcast. I'll be the first one. And then you'll have a long line of, of other guests and people will look back at the first episode to see what it was like. And they'll see me there and they'll be like, Sam was there supporting them from the beginning. Isn't that nice?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he did like two more episodes and then he fucking quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that, that sucked. And then, uh, and then that guy, Narrator, uh, he, he was, he used to have a podcast with CallMeCarson, right? That guy's a poppin' YouTuber and, and then, uh, and then they had a falling out. And so, uh, Narrator started his own podcast and I was like, this guy has, uh, he's got, uh, his roots run deep in the podcasting world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think his podcast is going to go far. He's got experience in it. So I decided to be the first guest on his podcast. And uh, and I gave it my all. And I was thinking, you know, when his podcast has been going on for years, people are going to look back on the first episode and they'll see me and they'll say, man, this guy was here supporting them from the beginning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out he only did three episodes or so and then he quit too. I am tired of being the first guest on everyone's stupid failed podcast. Not anymore. Alright, I'm making my own podcast. Where if this is the one and only episode, then I'll be the first guest on my own podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're not gonna have to hear me, uh, fuckin' whack off honey or-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, uh, so, uh, the man grate or, uh, any of those other, uh, uh, spot, not Spotify. What's the one where people, uh, need to build a shitty website? Wix or something like that. You don't need to hear me, uh, hock any of that right now. So, uh, we're sponsorless at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just gotta say, I've been building this, uh, this podcasting rig, I guess desk area set up with the shelves and everything for like the past month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I'd always followed on, uh, I don't know if you guys go on Reddit, uhm, I've always followed, like, those Battlestation subreddits where it's like people with a nice desk and they have a nice setup and everything with a nice PC and everything's fucking RGB, dude, yeaah, got LEDs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and now I just had a realization because I was making this and I was like, hey, you know what? If this podcast ends up sucking, I don't want to have to spend like thousands of dollars on it. So I'll, uh, I'm going to cheap out, you know, me runs in my bloodline. So I, uh, I decided to go to Ikea, you know, the Kings of making shitty furniture. That's cheap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I went down there, had some Swedish meatballs and procured this, uh, this desk, um, which it was like a build your own desk, you know, where you get like the, the top was $39 or a desktop, $39. And then the legs were each like nine bucks a piece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I slapped this thing together, and then I realized after looking at it, that every single desk in those battle station threads, which these are supposed to be the Lamborghinis of PC gaming, right? These fuckers all have Ikea desks. So when I was going out of my way to buy cheap ass furniture,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these like, top of the line desks that people use are all cheap ass furniture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't look at it the same now. And they're, they're all this, it's the same shit. They all have the same crappy desk I got.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is a wobbly mess. And then the, uh, they always have that stupid fake plastic plant next to their monitors. You know, in case they want to relax after they get blown up by a creeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Point is, is that I got this thing set up, and uh, and I followed Battle Station threads on Reddit, but I don't do it anymore because I've discovered that there's porn on Reddit, and so now I'm scared that my Reddit account's gonna be hacked, cause there's a lot of gross porn I follow on there. It's not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I've been collecting stories to go through, uh, stuff I want to talk about for this podcast, very important shit, you know, pressing matters, some of it's old, some of it's new, but we're gonna start out with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, that one's dumb. Let's start out with this lady. From the LA Times. Right? This happened a couple months ago, and I always thought it was hilarious because of the way people view things from the wrong angle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe, you know, I'm just an insensitive ass, but uhm, this lady, she's pretty cute too. Uh, she ordered, uh, she was at a bar, she was drunk as shit, and she ends up getting in, uh, she calls an Uber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this SUV pulls up and she hops in there. And the, uh, and then she gets killed by her driver. And everybody of course is up in arms against Uber. They're like, why would you let this guy kill her? This driver? Well it turns out the guy didn't even work for Uber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that guy was out hunting for someone. If the second someone just hops in their car, he just goes, I'm gonna kill this bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And drives away with her. And everybody's talking about how Uber needs to change their policies. Uber needs to do better background checks. Uber needs to add a giant pink mustache to the front of their cars like Lyft does. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Something to, uh, to differentiate a normal car from an Uber driver. Well, Uber's like, well, first of all, we give you the license plate number when you call in the thing. You have a picture of your fucking driver and it tells you the kind of car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady was just too fucking drunk to even follow any basic safety requirements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She probably, like, just look at the guy's face and hop in the car and go, oh, that's not the right dude. It doesn't matter. The point is, is everybody's looking at this the wrong way. They're grieving for this poor woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when, what they should really think about is, uh, for those of you that are psychopaths out there, being a serial killer has never been this easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why spend all this time planning and scheming and tracking down a person?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, trying to separate them from the herd of society. So you can, uh, you, you know, bring them out somewhere and kill them. When you could easily just pull up in front of a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the, that was, you know that guy had been hunting for months. And then he just, some unlucky idiot just hops in his car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this world of like, uh, people relying on technology to the point where their, their basic survival instincts are out the window, man, being a serial killer has never been so goddamn easy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If only forensic files and stuff wasn't around, we wouldn't be catching killers as, uh, as often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that that's a bad thing. Uhm, I've always been kind of concerned because my wife watches those, uh, she listens to those podcasts, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, day in, who the fuck even deals with podcasts? That shit's for idiots. Day in, day out, our goddamn, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phone bill keeps going up and running out of data like five days into the billing cycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, it's cause she hates her job and she sits there and listens to true crime podcasts all the time. And they, and it's an hour long. And so they go into grizzly horrific detail and she's a little country girl. I figured she was squeamish about stuff. She sees a spider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and she used to scream, and now she sees a spider and gets a hungry ravenous look in her eye. As she viciously stomps it into the ground, these podcasts have changed her for the worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's become, uh, she scares me to be honest. So they, all these, uh, things she watches, they go into grizzly detail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's getting a bloodlust over there. And then she watches when she gets home from that after a hard day of listening to people kill other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Forensic Files, on TV. The, the, the show that basically shows you how a killer got away with it, and then the one fuck up they did to get caught. And so she's like, okay, just do what that guy did, but don't do that part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's gonna get me. I'm gonna wake up at a 55 gallon drum on my way to the Gulf of Mexico. That's what always cracked me up. There's this guy that he got away with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, of all the people that you see on Forensic Files, they're usually pretty smart people, right? This one dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gets away with murder for like 20 years. I don't have this pulled up in front of me, so I'm gonna, uhm, I'm gonna fuck this one up. It was way more than 20 years, by the way, it was. This happened in like the 70s, and then he ended up getting caught in like 2000 and something, so. It was at least like 30-some years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so in the 70s, he ran a nice, uh, uh, business up in New York, and he had a bunch of, uh, immigrant workers there, and one of them, he was a married dude with a family, one of them he ended up banging, and then he got her pregnant, and she was like, hey, you know, I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the abandoned factory you work at, she was like, hey, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really fucked up. It's a 55-gallon drum that has his company name on the side. And he ends up sealing her in there. With a bunch of his own product. And then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he goes to lift her into the back of his truck, throws his back out, right? And so he brings her all the way home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, unloads her from the back of the truck, and he's like, man, I was gonna, I'm gonna put her in the boat, bring her out to the gulf, and, uh, or bring her out to the ocean, dump her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the middle of the ocean, but man, my back really hurts. I'll just stuff her under the house for now. So he puts her in the crawl space, and his wife was like, hey, whatever happened to that harlot that you knocked up? And he's like, don't worry bitch, I took care of it. So she's like, alright, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and so, then they lived there. For, uh, ever, for like another 10 years. They sold the house. And, uh, when the people wanted to go buy the house, they were like, hey, what's this 55 gallon drum under the house? And he was like, ah, I don't know, it's some shit. And they were like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They never looked in it. They owned the house for 10 years. They ended up selling it. And the new people were like, hey, what's in that, uh, 55 gallon drum under the house? And they were like, I don't know. I bought, when I bought the place, it was there. And so they, the new people bought it in the nineties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they live there and then they were going to sell it and the guy was like, hey, I want to clean this place up and make it look all nice for the inspector. So he started taking this 55 gallon drum out to the street and the garbage man went to go pick it up and was like, man, this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This thing's heavy as shit. What, you got like a dead body in here? I'm not taking this. And so the owner was like, fine, I'll empty it out. So he opens it up, and there it is, a pregnant woman, dead in there. She's been in there for 30 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, and so then, uh, Forensic Files, they're doing all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's funny is they didn't really even do anything, like I don't see why this...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was an episode to air on Forensic Files. Forensic Files every episode is supposed to be this badass display of, uh, like new science. And this episode was


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then on the side of the drum, it says the guy's business. And so they go track down his business license. They're like, oh, he is an old abandoned warehouse. The guy retired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They found some lady that used to live near Maria and she's like, Oh yeah, I wondered where she went. She got knocked up by the boss. His name is, uh, Vito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then they were like, alright, Vito, where's he at? Turns out he lives in Florida. They roll down there to the house and they just like knock on his door. They're like, hey, uh, can we get a DNA sample to see if you match the DNA of this knocked up bitch and this drum we found? And uh, Vito was like, uh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the cop said, uh, alright, hey, we're gonna go get a warrant. We'll be right back. And then you're going to prison for life. And he said, okay. And as they were driving away in their car, they heard him shoot himself in the face. That guy, uh, you know, a tragic story, uh, for sure. But that guy got away for 35 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was not a single part of his plan that went okay, except for him strangling the bitch, which I don't even know if that was his intention, or if he was just gonna pay her off and she wouldn't take the money or something. But, that was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just know if I sit there and plan it for weeks at a time,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to do it and I'm gonna get caught because I left a, uh, a skin cell, you know, on the carpet. And of course they're gonna do that CSI thing where the guy walks in and of course I end up having like that Asperger's CSI worker that sees things that other people can't see. He's gonna do the enhanced zoom on the carpet and see my skin flake and then he's gonna, uh, find me through a DNA thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, oh, DNA. Perfect segue into our next section! Alright, listen to this thing. This is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one's a whole nother meme. By the way, I know I sat there and bitched and moaned about, uhm, like, uh, true crime shows, and then I ended up doing nothing but talk about true crime stuff, but that doesn't matter. Don't worry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This next one is hilarious to me. I know you guys have heard about the Golden State Killer, right? He was caught, uh, like a year ago. Well, if you haven't, I'm gonna go through his credentials real quick. Uh, the Golden State Killer, he was a serial killer, rapist, and burglar. Burglar. Who committed 13 murders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than 50 rapes and over 100 burglaries in California from 1974 to 1986. And is believed to be responsible for at least three crime sprees throughout California.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get this, this is like the most, I saw an entire documentary on this thing and it cracked me up because of how


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so simple yet so genius at the same time. They had been investigating this dude, trying to figure out something about him for decades. And this, uh, one investigator opens up the cold case file to get some fresh eyes on it. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she just like pulls out this thing that has known DNA, his DNA on it, and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh. You know, I'm gonna put this into a 23andMe and Ancestry. You know those DNA kits where you like figure out where your family is and stuff if you're an orphan or if you want to figure out your nationality?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He just goes like, I'll just submit it into that and see if any of his relatives have done the same thing. And so she orders the kits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rubs his rapey sperm all over it, sends it back in, and then, uh, and then they, they send her back, like, I don't even think she told him they were the, she was the police. They send her back, uh, all this stuff, like, oh, here's your, here's his cousin, and then, and so then she was like, alright, I got known relatives, I'll just go up and figure out who their cousins are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and she asked like two people and they were like, yeah, I'm up. I guess it's this creepy cousin of mine. Uh, he always gave me a rapey vibe and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before, it was like, as long as you keep clean and you're not part of any sort of like, crime spree where your DNA gets put in the system, uh, you should be, uh, uh, free to do any-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any crazy crimes. As long as you don't get caught, right? And now, uh, and now it seems like if, if I go to do a crazy crime,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know my uncle, my blood relative uncle, he had gotten one of those DNA tests done. Motherfucker basically barred me from being like a crazy serial killer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, unless I'm really clean about it and use bleach and everything, but the second they get my DNA, you know, those lazy ass investigators, they're going to send it off to 23andMe, figure out my uncle, and then they're going to go, alright, it's either you or your brother. Thankfully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With those tattoos, he would fare much better than me in prison. Jesus Christ, I would get torn to pieces. My nerdy ass. That wouldn't work out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, yeaah, so they, they caught this guy from doing a DNA test, I think that's all. Oh wait, no, there's another thing I wanted to touch on. Uhm, the reason they didn't catch him for so many years is you need to see this guy's sketches. Like they, you know how the police do sketch artists?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Police hire sketch artists, and they always ask people, uh, you know, really, uh, personal questions like, what exactly did your rapist look like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, they were asking, uhm, they were asking him, and I'm looking at these, cause this guy went on a giant spree, right? He was, he was just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude was a real loser. He couldn't get any, uh, consensual sex, but he, uh, he went rapin'. And they asked all these people,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, uh, I guess an eyewitness look of what he looked like and then the sketch artist drew it up over the course of his entire criminal career and either this guy is a shapeshifter or the sketch artists suck or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This shit is all over the place in terms of what he looks like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What cracks me up here is there's like, there's one where he looks like one of the, uh, cast members from Gilligan's Island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, he looks like he belongs in Lords of Dogtown, you know? He just looks like a surfer bro. Another one, he's like a sailor guy. And then, all of a sudden, there's just like this random one, where the sketch artist didn't even really draw a human.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Loop in the third manga from like 1974 to come in and draw this guy, and he's got on like this helmet thing with a chin strap. It doesn't even look like a human!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they actually use that, imagine being a cop and with a straight face holding that up and going, have you seen, have you seen this fucking guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've never, I've never seen another human that looks like that. I don't think I've ever, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But apparently what it is is the black thing is he wore like a balaclava, but it was the whole point of wearing a balaclava while you're doing crimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is, one would think, is to cover your distinguishing features. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy had a balaclava that it covered everything except for his fucking face. It co- like his eyes, his nose, and his mouth were all sticking out of it. It was kinda like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno. It's like when you pull your, your, uh, your shirt up over your head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so you're doing that, like, Beavis and Butthead thing, the bungholio thing, and you just have your face sticking out, that's what it looked like. And somehow he still eluded capture. This guy... I'm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More than anything, it just seems like police negligence. You know, just like that lady that died in the 55 gallon drum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ripe old age. Oh, and if you look at his, uh, the mugshot of like the day he was caught, a motherfucker looks nothing like any of these sketch artists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was not a single one where he looked anything similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, to be honest, uhm, I've been yakking away here, and, uh, and then I remembered, uh, I don't really know how long a podcast is supposed to go. Is this supposed to be like an hour long thing? Cause I can talk for a goddamn hour, dude. You can't stop me. Don't even think for a minute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't even think for a minute you can stop me. But, uh, and I really haven't picked out a theme yet. I figured I'd just talk about stuff, whatever came to mind. But, uh, since we're already on a very morbid streak of us just, uh, basically making fun of people dying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I found this, uh, I have another, I just have a long list of shit that is like, not, I'm not like a commentary channel, a reaction channel on YouTube, so I'm, you know, whenever I find something that I think is kind of funny, I'm not gonna make a video about it where I just talk about it. I figured I'd save that for the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to say it cracks me up, but it is kind of funny. It's kind of funny, but it's also pretty tragic. It's a, an Instagram fitness model. This one's from two years ago now. God damn, I've been saving these up for a while. Uh, this one's from two years ago and really what, what brings us around is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm gonna do the whole story. I'm gonna do the whole thing. So, have you guys ever found someone that you just fucking clicked with? You know, like a real bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you're talking to them, and uh, and everything's just going alright. And it's really hard for guys, cause I feel like women can go up there and just be like, oh my god, your tits look amazing, and then best friends instantly. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, for guys, it's totally different, cause there's so many weird things that guys can be into, uh, and really if...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if they're different a whole lot, then, uh, it just ain't gonna work. Ain't got none in common, right? But women are basically all into, uhm, Forever 21.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puppies and, uh, Pinterest. Arts and Crafts. Those are the three female interests in life. And, uh, by God, they're all gonna get along. But guys, you know, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are so many varied things that guys can be into, like, uh, some of us like whacking off to big titty bitches, and some of us like whacking off to big assed bitches. Now, if I have any friends that are into asses exclusively, you need to tell me, because this, it's just not gonna work out. I just, I'm afraid it won't work. Anyways, so, I went to, uh, I went to Target.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And at our target we have Starbucks. And at this Starbucks, uh, I, I'll have any excuse to go to Target with Abby. That's like the one place when she goes out that I'll go with her because there's Starbucks there, right? And so, uh, usually it's just some lady working at Starbucks or one of those hipster barista guys. But this time there was a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, uh, just a bro. You could tell he was a, he was just a guy. He was a funny guy that was working there. And this dude was fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a sense of humor too. And so he's, uh, you know, I'm ordering my, uh, no soy latte.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I forget. I don't even order my own drink. I have Abby order it for me because I forget what I like. But uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something to do with coffee. But, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She ends up ordering, and then the guy's making it for me, and I'm talking to him, and he pulls out that thing to put the whip cream on top, and they don't use, they're, oh, it's Starbucks, they gotta use the nice shit, so it's like this hard metal canister, and then it has like the whip cream in it, and then they put in like the compressed oxygen, compressed air thing, the whip it thing,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know the science of it. So he's sitting there doing that and I was like, I just, his manager was behind him and I go, I said it a little bit loud. I go, Hey, did you hear about that dumb bitch that died using one of those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think it caught it off guard, caught him off guard cause he thought it was hilarious. He was like, he almost couldn't put in the whipped cream under his drink and he thought it was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he was like, yeah, I heard about that. And what it is, is this Instagram lady. She's a model.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she's French and she's like a fitness model. She had so many followers. She was, you know, if that's how you do your value or whatever, she had a bunch of followers. She was, uh, adored by many and, uh, she was beautiful too. Cause it is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is more tragic when a beautiful person dies, you know. If, if she was some ugly bitch, I would laugh about it, but no, I'm heart, heartbroken here. And, uh, this lady, this lady was putting whipped cream on something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with one of those, where you put the compressed air thing in it, and it like blew up in our hand. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The canister itself just hit her in the chest. Actually, the article says the thorax, which I, you know, I didn't know she was a fucking insect, but it hit her in the chest. And it stopped her heart, and then she died. And uhm, and that was it. And I thought,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you're regarded as like people follow you on Instagram based purely on your level of fitness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a whole nother level, right? Like I could, if I ran like five miles a day, you know, I'd be pretty trim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But nobody would follow me on Instagram because of how trim I was. You know what I mean? Like she was another level fit. And she gets wiped out by a fucking whipped cream can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just cracked me up. So anyways, I was telling this guy about that and he was fucking laughing hard. His manager was behind him, like of course she was one of those hipster bitches that works at Starbucks. She had her arms crossed like frowning at him, but he couldn't see it because he was laughing. And then I was like, dude, I would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be honest, I'd just be ashamed to... If I was like her parents, I wouldn't even hold a funeral, you know? That's the equivalent of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know like every year there's people out there that order chips and stuff in a vending machine and then they like shake it because the vending machine-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The vending machine like, it doesn't spin all the way and it like, steals your money, right? The chips don't fall. And so they shake the machine trying to get the chips to fall, and then the machine falls on them and kills them. That happens every year. There's like, multiple people that die shaking vending machines. And uh, imagine being those people's parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You raise someone from the time they're a suckling little baby. Although like right now my daughter, man, it...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they talk about like a parent's love for their child, they are absolutely right. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That little bitch could turn out to be a serial killer. I'd still love her. I don't know why. There's some like unspoken bond between us. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine having that bond with someone where you watch them grow up, you feed them, they rely on you and you're providing for them. And then they, they, they get out into the world. They're going on their own. You expect so much of them as you put 20 years of your life into just making sure they could survive. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they die by tipping over a vending machine trying to get some Doritos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't even have a fucking funeral. I would just lie to people. I'd say, oh, he left to go fight ISIS. I would be ashamed. I would be fucking ashamed. I wouldn't have an open casket. I wouldn't have a funeral or anything. I would just say, yeah, he left to, I would say he left to join ISIS. I would, that would be, I would be


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better with dealing with everybody else's scrutiny about how shitty a parent I am by my child going off to join ISIS than just the shame of raising somebody for so long just to have them dump a fucking vending machine on their own head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you might think, oh yea, but what about all those parents that like raise a kid and then they get killed by a drunk driver? That's different. Because they're doing what they're supposed to be doing and somebody else fucked up and hit them. You know what I mean? Their life was ended by somebody else's negligence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when you're shaking a vending machine, you're getting killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, anyways, so I, I said that, uh, I, I went through that whole spiel with him. And he was laughing and having a great time. And, uh, his, his manager was just like frowning and she kept moving closer to him just like peering over his shoulder. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this is the sad part, really. We were having a great time, I thanked him for his excellent beverage, you know, I did that thing where like, he passes it to me, I go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like tasted it and gave him a thumbs up. And, uh, and, and then, um, I walked out of there with Abby and I told her, I was like, that guy's fucking cool. Like that's a dude that, uh, I would have over to, you know, watch some Dexter's lab on a Saturday morning. You know what I'm saying? And then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we left out of there and I go back to that target at least once a week. And I haven't seen him since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that's kinda, that sucks. It's like getting a friend, a potential friend snatched out of your life. Cause let me tell you something, I don't have any, I'm talking any IRL friends. Zero. I don't have a single one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have, you know, I got a bunch of internet friends, but if I actually, uh, you know, wanted to have somebody come over, I don't have anybody. Completely alone in this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, uh, me and Abby were eating at this place in town called Nukes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they do kinda, uh, they, you know, who cares? It's just a place you sit down and eat. And, uh, we're sitting there munching away on some food. And, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why'd I fucking start the story like that? No, okay, so we get out of our car and we're waltzing our way towards nukes, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I said, this is an excuse for me to not wait in line. I said, babe, you order me a goddamn Italian sandwich, I'm gonna go find us a table, and I'm gonna figure out


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's wallet this is and get it back to him because you know, I'm a good guy and uh, I'd like to tell myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, uh, she's like, okay, really all it was was an excuse to not wait in line to order my food. I hate that. That's like the worst part of my week is anytime I'm at a restaurant waiting to tell them what I want to eat. So I, uh, I sat down and I start going through this guy's wallet and, uh, no cash. This is poor motherfucker. And, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a, that was my first of many disappointments in this story. So, uh, nothing I could steal. And then, uhm, inside I see his ID. And so I'm like, okay, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna Google this guy's name so I can figure out, like, contact number. And, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so I Google his name and it pops up. The first thing that pops up is uh, Tallahassee. That's where I live. Tallahassee Booking Report, which is like, you know, when people get arrested, they go on the booking report and it was his name. So I click on that link and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, well, I don't want to return this guy's wallet if he's like a bad dude, you know? I don't know if he was like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Serial killer or something. So, uh, I'm looking at his booking report and he got arrested for sexual contact with an animal, pet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, I don't know about you guys, but holding a dog fucker's wallet


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not very big on my to-do list, and more importantly, voluntarily meeting up with a dog fucker so I can return his wallet's pretty low on my to-do list too. So, uh, I was, I was about ready to just chuck the wallet and go wash my hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this guy comes running in all sweaty. Lo and behold, it's the guy that lost his wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he actually ran- I found it in the parking lot. This is what's weird. I found it in the parking lot. And this guy immediately ran to our booth. I guess we were sitting in the booth that he happened to be sitting at when he lost his wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and he goes, Hey, have you guys seen a wallet anywhere around here? And I said, yeah, actually here it is. And he's like, Oh, thanks, man. And he was like talking to me at length and all I can think about is him getting all down and dirty with a Doberman, you know? And so, uh, I'm like, I don't want to talk to this guy. And then he insisted on shaking my hand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he had little tiny trump hands, like they were so small dude, he had tiny, perfect for dog fucking when you think about it, like just great for grabbing them at the waist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I had to shake his little dog fucker hands, and uh, and then my food came, and he's like, alright guys, see ya, and so then my food's all nice and hot, I had to get up and go wash my hands, get all that nasty dog shit off of it, and I just, I didn't feel good about that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, anyways, uh, you know, I think that's about it. I figured I'd start it off, uh, down and dirty, laughing at dead people. Uh, you know, I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but who am I kidding? You know? So anyways, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be a solo thing or, you know, I might have a guest. And I'm not talking like a physical guest in the thing. I might have like a picture with like a green screen on it so I'd have their face there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I might have a guest on the future episodes. So, uh, you know, tell me what you think. Tell me if you like this thing. And if you don't, uh, fuck off and die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for the technicality difficulties on that one, the technical, I mean the technicalities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week's episode is brought to you by Casper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Casper is an online retailer offering premium mattresses for a fraction of the price.