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[Assistant] I worked at Conan, which is in the same building, and the, the, uh,


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[Assistant] Producer Jeff Ross, not Jeffrey Ross, the comedian that's the producer. And he was really interested in history and he said, you want to see something cool? And he took me into the, there was a stairwell in 30 Rock and he took me in there and he pushed my head down. No, and uh,


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[Assistant] There's these big red pipes in the stairwells that are feeding the, whatever, sprinklers. I don't know whether they're big, big iron red pipes that have been there since 30 Rock was built back in the late thirties, mid late thirties by Rockefeller.


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[Assistant] And uhm, there's a big spigot coming off of the side of one of them with a big, you know, wheel. It's some release valve.


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[Assistant] And on the side of it is a fucking Nazi, like an embossed Nazi. And it's raised, you know, it's not painted on. Oh, it's in the, yeah. It's a Nazi swastika.


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[Assistant] And he said, these are all of the steel in this building is Nazi steel.


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[Assistant] It's all German. That was the flag. It wasn't a political flag, like it wasn't political, but it was also just the flag of Germany. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you bought German steel.


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[Assistant] It was like made in USA. It had a swastika on it and they bought it and he said all of the steel in 30 Rock has swastikas on it but at one point they turn them into the corners but they can't turn the spigots.


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[Assistant] So every time I used to go to 30 Rock, like when I hosted SNL, I would take anybody who didn't know about it and show it to them. But the last time I went there, they had shaved it down. Somebody got in there with a thing and shaved it down.


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[Assistant] Holy shit. But so that's how fucked up. So that's Prescott Bush was one of the guys making money on Nazis. And then his, it's Skoll and Bones guy. Yea.


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[Assistant] George Bush. Skull and bones. Skull and bones. But he was a kind of a Nixon-y thing where I think he went too far. He got Reagan shot. He just went too far.


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[Assistant] Was when Clinton ran for president because, and again not based on politics even, but how Doug in Reagan and Bush felt. And Bush just felt like you ain't gonna beat this guy with nothing. These guys are in there and there's Dick Cheney in there.


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[Assistant] And, uhm, and Donald Rumsfeld, these fucking guys are like, these are hard ass fucking guys who don't bleed. You just don't believe they bleed.


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[Assistant] And they got it all worked out and they've been there for 12 fucking years. And here comes Clinton whose mom was a blackjack dealer in Vegas and whose dad died in a three inch puddle. He died, he was drunk.


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[Assistant] And he hit a tree and was launched out of his car and landed in three little feet of water and drowned in it.


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[Assistant] That was Clinton's dad. And then his, that was uh, Jefferson, uh, his father, he was, his name was, was that his real dad? His dad's last name was Jefferson. It would have been another Jefferson. That was his real dad. His mom then married a guy named Clinton.


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[Assistant] And had Roger. And his mom, and that guy used to beat the shit out of his mom. And the second Clinton got big enough.


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[Assistant] One night his stepdaddy came home drunk and he stood up to him and he said, if you hit my mom again, I'm gonna hit you.


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[Assistant] And he used to protect his little brother and his little brother was like an orphan. His dad's a drunk. So as the dad disappears and the day that Clinton turned 18, he was already in charge of the family.


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[Assistant] The day he turned 18, he took his brother to city hall and he said, you know what I'm doing today? I'm changing my last name to Clinton so that you and me are real brothers. That's why his last name is Clinton. That's who Bill Clinton is. Okay. And he fucked a bunch of 10 year old girls on a jet. He also fucked those kids.


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[Assistant] But Clinton was this fucking country good ol' boy, and they threw, and I mean, we had just lost Gary Hart. He was, that's why, that's why, uhm, uh, Dukakis ran. Yeaah. Because Gary Hart, uh, got caught with a chick. And so that was Democrats' problems.


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[Assistant] Is that, is the, is the ladies. Too much pussy. Too much pussy.


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[Assistant] But then there was this feeling that it was kind of a circus. And I remember Howard Stern's guy stuttering John. Do you remember him? Yes.


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[Assistant] Stuttering John, the Jennifer Flowers' first inter, like her press conference was like a serious thing. And she's like, yes, I did have sex with him. And then you heard Stuttering John say.


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[Assistant] Hillary stood by him, did the interview with him and uh, with uh, Barbara Walters. A light fell from the, from the grid.


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[Assistant] So Clinton made me feel like, I can't believe this, they just got rid of the bushes. Yeaah. They got rid of Cheney, they got, they really, I like, in my lifetime that didn't exist. The idea of that. So I was pretty fucking impressed.


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[Assistant] Uhm, likewise with Obama later, but so that made me think, you know, maybe this is actually some kind of a, you know, and then later you learn that Clinton and Gore together.


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[Assistant] Learned how to go for business and tell big business, look, we're going to make you a fortune. Don't worry about the social issues. We're going to take care of the poor. We're going to do all kinds of programs, but we're getting rid of wealth. He got rid of welfare and he was also a, um, a death penalty governor. He put a retarded guy in the electrician. He put a retarded guy in the electrician.


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[Assistant] Clinton anyway, Clinton, I loved Clinton when I was a kid. I loved Clinton. Just loved him. And, uh, I remember when Coretta Scott King died, her funeral, he closed it. Like,


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[Assistant] I think Jesse Jackson was there, every president was there, everybody, past president, all the greats came to make speeches. And then Clinton, Clinton wasn't, George W. Bush was president now.


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[Assistant] So Bush went forward, but he let Clinton close. There was, they all made speeches about how far we've come and the importance of Martin Luther King. And then they'd make a comment about her. It was really about Martin Luther King. And then she was a great woman.


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[Assistant] And Clinton just fucking talked. He went up there and he leaned on the podium and he said, you know, we're all talking about a lot of stuff here, but there's a woman in that box.


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[Assistant] There's a woman in that box. Fine, beautiful, supple. A woman who had, he said she had dreams, she had passions.


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[Assistant] She was, and he talked, said made one, said one word that would sound a little sexy.


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[Assistant] And look at her kids and what are they gonna do? They have, they're already dealing with their daddy's legacy. That's a burden on them. That's a burden on them. And it was a burden on her and now it passes to them. And my God, what is it like to be them now? And you just hear people going, oh, that's what Clinton just had that ability. And he fucked so many children, just hundreds.


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[Assistant] I was at a, I was in New Orleans for a film festival. I'd made a little shitty short film and it won best comedy at the New Orleans film festival. And I went down there.


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[Assistant] And this was back when you had to send a VHS of your movie and then you'd get it in the mail. You'd get a letter. I got a letter in the mail saying you won an award.


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[Assistant] So I went down to New Orleans. I was a kid in 1992. So I was a kid. It was 18 plus seven, whatever that is. Um,


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[Assistant] And Al Gore comes out and he says the governor can't talk because his, his voice is destroyed by all these rallies. So I'm going to make the speech and then.


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[Assistant] He talked and then it's kind of boring. And then Hillary came out and said a few things. Nobody cared. And then Clinton came out and it was like, and he was a little hush, but he made an amazing speech and I was standing there.


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[Assistant] And I watched him make this speech, and then he came down off the podium and he just walked, I stood there, some guy handed me a placard.


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[Assistant] And so I had this placard Clinton Gore and he found


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[Assistant] The king of the world, unbeatable, gets Monica Lewinsky, gets, uh, impeached. The crime bill though, that wasn't great. I don't him. Yeah, I don't fucking care what these guys do. Just a super interesting guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. So Clinton and, uh, and Gore's vice president, and one of the fly in the wall moments, like the thing I wish I was there for, is apparently somewhere Clinton and Gore had to do an event together. And this is when Clinton needed to tell Gore that he fucked Monica Lewinsky. Cause Gore backed him up.


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[Assistant] Have sex with that wa- I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, and we have, like, he slipped her name in. So he sat in a limousine with gore apparently, and said, uh,


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[Assistant] And they just sat in that limo and they dealt with it. Yeaah. There's another flying them on the wall moment with them later on September 11th.


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[Assistant] Uh, Gore was in Canada, he was flying in Canada and his plane was grounded and he couldn't fly into this, nobody could fly. So he got a car, he rented a car. Cause they're all losers now. And he drove to, uhm,


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[Assistant] What's the name of the Chappaqua? Where do the Clintons live? They live in upstate New York. Chappaqua. He stopped at Clintons house and they sat in the kitchen apparently until like, you know, three in the morning just talking. Just talk. I wish I could have been in that room for that. On 9-11. We could have got there.


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[Assistant] So, Clinton, gone, and then, uh, yeah, Goran Bush, and you had the crazy, I mean, I'm getting tired, so it's hard to get into, like, Bush's, Bush's, uh, uhm, the, the, the, the hanging chads. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And Bush was another like, this is gonna be a nightmare. And I remember, I, here's what I hated about, I wasn't predisposed to hate Bush.


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[Assistant] Because I heard he was like a compassionate conservative. That was the word on Bush. Yeah. Compassionate conservative.


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[Assistant] And I could read on him that he was a kid of my, he was like of my generation or just above that he was a post summer of loves guy. Like.


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[Assistant] And uh, but Bush had black people and women in his cabinet as a matter of like, he's like, why wouldn't you? Like for Bush, it wasn't, it stopped the bigotry of the Republican party. And by the way, Democrats, tons of it also stopped at, cause Clinton was like, you gotta have a couple of darkies in there. Otherwise people get mad.


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[Assistant] Not a bad thing, it helps you. But Bush was like, Condoleezza Rice is fucking amazing. She's gonna run everything. Colin Powell.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so I liked Bush in that sense, but I remember he gave, he was interviewed about, uh, foreign policy, and he just sounded like a fucking idiot. He didn't know anything. He knew nothing.


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[Assistant] And then he took a day and crammed. And did it again. And then they were like, what about North Korea? And he goes, okay, so North Korea, you got, uh, Kim Il-jun and, and, and then in the South, it was right. And he just answered like that, like real quick.


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[Assistant] Can't answers and I remember they cut to well or like wolf blitzer and he's like, well, that's really impressive. Clearly he does know about foreign policy and I was like, are you fucking kidding me?


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[Assistant] She did a documentary about riding the bus with him. She was one of his press people and she brought a camera and I forget what it's called or what her name is, but she was kind of a, kind of a ooh gee whiz Lenny Riefensohn.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but there is a moment in it where she took a poll. She was like kind of a goofball and she was with the press corps.


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[Assistant] It leaked through her. Someone leaked that she, cause she was just doing it privately for fun. Someone leaked it that uhm, that his press corps thought he was gonna lose. And it was really damaging. And everyone threw her under the bus. Everybody in the press said it was her, we didn't do it, and nobody would talk to her.


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[Assistant] So while they were on the plane, and this is I think on film on the thing, she's sitting there just devastated and Bush comes, which he never did, back and he sits right next to her.


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[Assistant] And he says, uh, I want you to take a good look around at these people because now you know who they really are. He said, now you know who your friends are. Now you know who they're not. So don't forget this moment because this, this is really,


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[Assistant] But, my feet, all I'm talking, all I'm going by is my feelings about the guys. And there's moments about W that I remember, because politically I hated them.


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[Assistant] And the people who did this are going to hear from all of us. That's pretty good fucking ad-lib. And the first pitch at that Yankees game?


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[Assistant] Yes, awesome. Easily, he could have said, okay, then you're going to yell, I can't hear you. Of course, of course it was probably Chaney. I can't hear you.


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[Assistant] Uh, Chaney, by the way, he was really the Bush story.


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[Assistant] I was doing Charlie Rose, okay, and me and Charlie later, our lives changed.


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[Assistant] But Charlie Rose at the time had a very important show where you'd sit in a dark room and be interviewed. And so I went to do Charlie Rose and the guest ahead of me was, uh, Jill Cheney, Cheney's wife. She is a historian and she wrote a book about Madison and the Framers.


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[Assistant] And she just, he would just ask her questions and she just, she's fascinating woman. Fucking brilliant historian. And she talked ad nauseum about all the people we did in the first one.


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[Assistant] And I was just riveted. And then they brought me in as they were taking her out.


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[Assistant] And I was just trying to, like, this is not, she's not my world. And somebody said, uh, we just need your microphone because we need to give it to the next guest. And she said, who's the next guest? And they said, Louis CK. And she said, Louis BK? Louis, where is he? Where is he? And I'm, she turns around, I'm standing there and she goes, you're


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[Assistant] Uh, but yeaah, so that's uh, Chaney and uh, Bush in 9-11. Bush, and then after Bush was president, I was, I told this story on Conan, I'm not gonna tell it again, that's fucking boring. But I saw Bush, I was in traffic, and then his motorcade just was next to me.


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[Assistant] Yes. But the thing I liked about Bush was that when he, like, when the guy threw shoes at him. Do you remember that guy threw two shoes at him?


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[Assistant] But Bush, they asked him about afterwards and he said, well, you know, I got good, I got good reflexes. And he said, look, he was, he's in a country where you can, you know, he's not going to get killed for that. People express themselves. He always appreciated.


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[Assistant] The moderator said, Al Gore said this about you. And he reads some shitty things Al Gore said. He goes, what's your reaction now that you're with him? And Bush goes like, I don't know. He's running for president. Of course he's going to go for it. He's running for president.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's, it's the game we're trying to win. We're trying to, you know, we have different views. He didn't care. And later also they asked him about the press and he said, we counted on the press to keep us honest. He said, when you're out there,


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[Assistant] Making decisions that are outside of the decisions that come to the president are the ones that nobody knows what to do.


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[Assistant] The ones that are clear what the law is and what's practical, other people make those decisions. They go to the president where they're like, we're not sure what's legal here and we're not sure what the American people would want here.


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[Assistant] And so it's the hardest job in the world because you have to deal with the cutting edge.


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[Assistant] Of where the country is going, why it's going there and what people really want, even if they don't know what's going on and what's legal. It's not, it's so unclear sometimes. And he said, I depended on the press because we knew they were probing everything. We knew they were watching everything and we knew they were adversarial, that they were, they were, um, ambitious to bust us.


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[Assistant] And that made me comfortable because it made me confident that I'm not going to, in my confusion, make any real mistakes. Like that's what Bush, that's a profound thing for president to say. And it shows the level of confidence that he had, which is why did not like Donald Trump.


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[Assistant] Because he didn't have that. It, to be made fun of, is a place of strength. If you're too, if you...


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[Assistant] I can't take you seriously unless you don't take yourself seriously.


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[Assistant] If you're a person to be taken seriously, then you can be made fun of. If you can't be made fun of, you can't be taken seriously. If you're like, do not make that joke about me. It's like, you're a pussy. You have no fucking, you have no confidence in yourself. You need to hear good about you all the time. That is a mental and emotional problem.


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[Assistant] So Bush didn't have that to me. And I appreciate him for that. He killed mountains of Arabs. Just mountains of them.


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[Assistant] And other people and who knows what else he did. I don't fucking know. But, um, but interesting dude.


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[Assistant] I like the way he handled that. And in the middle of that, you got another connective tissue guy, which is McCain. McCain was a great, great man. I think.


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[Assistant] Don't say that. He was like, he took the microphone away and she goes, he's an Arab lady. And he goes, no, no, no, no. He says, listen, I don't agree with the guy about how to run the country, but he's a good man. We're starting with that. He's a good man.


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[Assistant] And then there was a lady who yelled out during Sarah Palin's rally. She said, you need gloves to touch him.


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[Assistant] Which is a weird shit, but it's like, what does that mean? Like he's very delicate or


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[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah, so that was crazy and McCain handled it as best as he could. Uhm, there's another McCain thing. Fuck.


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[Assistant] Oh, he had a great story about Obama. Cause he met Obama when Obama was in the Senate.


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[Assistant] And someone asked me, Kane, what was your first impression of him? So he said, well, I remember when Obama, his first date, like in the Senate, he came to see me.


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[Assistant] And he said, listen, I, uh, um, I think that, you know, you're the smartest guy on the other side and I wanted to be bipartisan. And he said, what can, let's you and I talk and find something that we both care about. Like that was Obama's first idea.


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[Assistant] And so McCain and him thought for, they talked for about an hour and they came up with something they both cared about. And he's like, let's work on that together. And McCain said, sure. And he was a veteran Senator at this point. And Obama goes off.


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[Assistant] And then the democratic leadership gets to Obama and goes, dude, do not fucking, you don't just fucking do that. The fuck are you doing?


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[Assistant] I loved him, I just loved him. From the get go.


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[Assistant] And I could tell that he was a lot of flash on some level.


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[Assistant] But one of the first things I heard about him that impressed me was Biden.


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[Assistant] He's, he just getting to know him. He said, I gotta tell you, he's a really surprising bright guy, you know, for a black guy.


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[Assistant] A mind that got around the president. He got his brain around. Yeah, I think so.


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[Assistant] And, uh, the picture of him leaning down so some kid could touch his head. That's as important as almost anything with the president.


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[Assistant] And he gave people a feeling about where the country was and he brought a feeling to the presidency that there was a kindness in it and he taught, I learned a lot from him in terms of confrontation and like he debated with McCain and McCain was just kind of like bulldogging him.


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[Assistant] And Obama knew that you don't win in the room. You don't win because he says you're right. He's never going to say you're right. There's other people watching. Like I've learned from this in my life, like this guy's going to do and Obama would say something and McCain would attack and Obama would just go, all right.


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[Assistant] And just look at the camera and smile. And people at home are going like, I like what he said better.


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[Assistant] I don't need him to attack this guy to make the point. I like, I like his, the sound he's making better than his sound. It's not about who wins this. And McCain being like a military guy, you know, this is his way.


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[Assistant] I never got to meet Obama, but I was in Washington and I was a big deal at the time and I thought maybe I could meet the president and staying at the Hay Adams, which is across the street. So I called my publicist, I no longer have one of those. I used to have an agent and publicist and none of these people.


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[Assistant] But I called my publicist and said, do you think there's any way I could meet the president while I'm in town? As I was on the phone, I saw Marine One taking off and he was on hold. Then he came back and said, they said he just left. But they said, but they asked and they said that Obama asked to ask you if you would help him, help them come up with jokes.


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[Assistant] For the, uh, um, correspondence dinner because it was in a few days and they're, they're meeting to, to try to write it. And they asked if you come across the street to the white house and pitch in. And I said, of course.


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[Assistant] So I went into the White House and they gave me a pass. And I went down to their room, the White House.


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[Assistant] The rooms that aren't the Oval Office are all shit because they keep packing, cause government never stops growing, but the White House stays the same size. I mean, that's my idea of it, but I was in the, literally I had to duck into the room cause the ceiling was so low and it was like his head speech writer, John Favreau or something.


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[Assistant] Same name as Jon Favre. But anyway, so we sat in his office.


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[Assistant] Uhm, which was, cause it was his last one, and Trump had won, so it was his swan song.


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[Assistant] And, uh, my joke was, uh, it's an honor to be here for my last correspondence dinner, probably the last correspondence dinner. And it turned out to be true, Trump. You were close. Yeah, Trump just did the first one. Yes. But anyway, he did that, he opened with my joke.


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[Assistant] See what happens when you laugh at Trump. That's by the way, what he was thinking was literally the words, laugh at Trump. Everybody's laughing at Trump. Don't laugh, cause he talks about, he talks about Trump.


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[Assistant] Thanks for helping and I'm a fan and maybe we'll meet someday, but I never met him. And he went on Mark Marin's podcast and they talked about politics for like two hours and at the end Marin asked him, uh, did you enjoy being on the show? And Obama said, I thought we were going to talk about comedy. And Marin was like, oh, cause he talks about politics everywhere.


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[Assistant] And he goes, Oh, well, who are your favorite comedians? And he says, well, I like Jerry Seinfeld and Dick Gregory, but.


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[Assistant] The guy I really love is Louie, cause you can tell even though he's, uh, he says terrible things, he's a good guy. So I'm like, he said something nice about him. It meant a lot to me cause I just, uh, with no, uh, regard for history or morality, I just love Obama. I have no idea if he's done good or bad, but as a guy, I just really


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[Assistant] That's right, just carrying, carrying the, the office and the way he, the way he operated and the way he communicated.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and I, you know, things started getting really fucked up during Obama in this country. You know, people started to get really... Yea, the banks, I mean that was... That was insane. All that shit. But also just like, the word problematic happened under Obama. Like his last four years was when...


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[Assistant] People started getting ultra, ultra sensitive and digging, trying to find, dig down into where is our moral center to the point where you just, you just never going to find it because human beings are flawed.


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[Assistant] And that started, I think Obama left in a strange place because it was like, what were we all doing? I remember seeing famous liberals saying, I'm disappointed in this president.


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[Assistant] You know, when he was running, they were, you know, Shepard Fairey did the cool poster of him, and uh, Wyclef, whoever the fuck, did a song and black and white video. But once he's president, everyone's like, I'm not gonna, it's not,


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[Assistant] So, they all just vanished. Uh, and he's like, hey guys, I'm...


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[Assistant] The only black guy even here. I'm not just the first black president. I'm the only black guy at this level and no one's helping me. I mean, that's how I felt was that he got kind of abandoned and he couldn't find


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[Assistant] That's not my expertise. My thing is I just really, I really dug the guy as a person, the way he carried the office. And, uh, and he was another example where I was like, you know, that feels like a democracy. And a lot of people would be like, well, you know, then you're deluded. You know, fine. Sure. But I'm 54 and that's how I feel.


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[Assistant] In terms, my mom died a couple years ago, but she was like my best friend and my intellectual counterpart. She's who I talked to about everything.


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[Assistant] And I remember first of all when John Kerry ran for president.


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[Assistant] I called her up because my sister, I have three sisters. My mom and I basically control the household vote. So we figured we have, we have a blood, we're super delegates. We have five votes.


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[Assistant] So they just, because our sisters, my sisters would devote for whoever we sent.


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[Assistant] My mom was a Republican and a conservative as a kid.


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[Assistant] And then Jack Kennedy came to speak at her at Michigan where she was in college and her friend of hers grabbed her and said, you're coming to watch Kennedy. And they sat in the front row with knitting waiting while the crowd gathered. And then she watched Kennedy speak from this close and she, that was, she was a Democrat from that day on.


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[Assistant] But when I called her and said, so we're voting for Carrie, she said, I'm not voting for Carrie.


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[Assistant] I was like, what? And she said, I won't vote for him. I won't vote at all.


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[Assistant] Uhm, because I can't vote for Bush, but I can vote for that man because my brother was in Vietnam and we were scared every day that he was going to die. And Kerry came home and spoke against the troops. That's how we felt. And she says, I know now I look at it differently now.


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[Assistant] And that he was trying to do good, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. He was a rich kid and my brother wasn't and uh, he came, he did one tour, came home and started.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, grandstanding while there's boys over there getting killed every day.


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[Assistant] And she, he was pulling support out from under their feet.


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[Assistant] So I can't do it. And I'm like, mom, there's more to the story. She's like, I know, but you can't make me go.


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[Assistant] You have to fall for John Kerry, who was a fucking, I mean, he's still alive, so I don't want to say, but jeez, he had lipstick. He was, and he was like, I report for, he was a mess. And then his fucking wife, Theresa Hines, I am Theresa Hines and I have something to say. It was like, we're done. We lost. Fuck him. And also by the fucking way,


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[Assistant] Take that part out. I'm actually, it's the one part I want out. Okay. I feel bad because people make mistakes. But.


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[Assistant] Okay. When Bush was running against Kerry, a thing that came up that was big was gay marriage. It was starting to be an issue. And I got really angry at John Kerry then because, um,


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[Assistant] Bush had a really sound argument. It wasn't, and this is when people started just lobbing names at each other, right? It's anti, it's anti-gay people. It's homophobic to be against gay marriage. Bush made an argument that was practical. He said, listen, marriage is the easiest contract in the whole world.


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[Assistant] And by the time, by, by the way, during that time they were, they weren't talking about national gay marriage, they were talking about the states that had started to, there was like Massachusetts, I think California. So he said marriage is the simplest.


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[Assistant] Contract in the world, you, it costs $10 most places and it's iron clad and it's accepted all over the world as meaning the same thing.


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[Assistant] Now, if you start messing with that and you start saying, well, this means this here means this there, you're really, you're, you're messing with an institution that is the backbone of the family and this country. That is such a good argument.


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[Assistant] Now you can argue against it, and people have very well. This is nothing to be afraid of. This is about their rights, all kinds of things. But the Democrats didn't want to say, this is their right. Why would you, the thing you just said, why would you deprive gay people of it? It's, you're living in a fucking


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[Assistant] In a time capsule, this is important. It's the same as they said this about interracial marriage. It's a million arguments. But, uh, Carrie didn't want to go there.


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[Assistant] He was like, look, I am, it's a man and a woman to me, but I don't think we, but they're homophobic. They're homo, they don't like gay people. And Chaney's, uh, daughter's gay. And I don't have a problem with Chaney's daughter being gay. They did that. Edwards did it. Edwards said, uh, cause Chaney and him debated. He said, I think it's great that his daughter's gay.


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[Assistant] Said, uh, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, I love her.


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[Assistant] Oh, I mean they just won right there. So go, I don't know how I got back to him.


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[Assistant] That's what, that's, that's why, cause I was saying people hated...


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[Assistant] And my mom said, I'm not voting for Obama. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? She said, I'm not voting for him because.


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[Assistant] He, Hillary Clinton had nearly beat Obama in the primaries and she had done an incredible campaign. She, her campaign was historic because she was the first woman to run effectively for.


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[Assistant] National office and to get that close. It was a big deal. And she said she won and she also remembers.


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[Assistant] When she was younger, that typically the president, the guy running for president, his running mate would be his rival. You pick your rival because it's your way of saying, I'm not afraid of my rival. I can work with the people who it's how you unite the party. It's what Reagan did with Bush. It's what Kennedy did with Johnson.


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[Assistant] Johnson was bitterly hated Kennedy and then Kennedy subjugated him by saying, you're going to run with me. We're going to do this together, buddy. And I'm not afraid of your rivalry because I'm strong.


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[Assistant] Right. And he said he didn't pick Hillary and she earned it and he gave it to Joe and she had the name. Joe drove her crazy. She didn't care about Biden was fine. She said, Joe, Joe Biden's a regular guy and I'm a, my mother worked her whole life.


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[Assistant] She was a single mother. She says I worked my whole life and me and women I worked with would earn the spot and it would be given to


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[Assistant] And the woman who earned it gets fucked. And the reason I hate him for it is because it means he has no balls. My mother said this. Obama has no balls.


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[Assistant] Because he picked a guy, he didn't want to pick her because he's afraid of women, he's afraid of a strong woman, and she said, I'll never go for it. I think he was afraid of losing. She did not use the N-word. I think he was afraid of losing. So no, I don't think that's what happened, but here's what's cool about it. Uh, uh, McCain picked Palin.


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[Assistant] And then my mother said, I'm gonna vote for Obama now for the opposite reason, which is McCain picked Palin as a, who's an idiot, a douche bag, a retard.


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[Assistant] She said he picked McCain to get the woman's vote, and you're not gonna get a smart woman's vote by picking somebody like that.


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[Assistant] So I'm voting for Obama and then later I checked in with my mom when Obama became president and made Hillary Clinton secretary of state, which is a four.


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[Assistant] Not just the bullshit political position. She said, yes, I'm with you. And she ended up loving Obama. But Sarah Palin.


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[Assistant] Amazing person. Amazing person. I mean, when McCain announced her and she spoke


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[Assistant] Her first national speech and did the joke about, you know, the difference between a bulldog and a hockey mom.


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[Assistant] Lipstick. And the place is going ape shit. Yeaah. I was like, this woman is incredible. She was an incredible force in American history to me.


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[Assistant] And I was on an airplane one day, flying home from LA.


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[Assistant] And I got drunk on rum and coke. When I drink rum and cokes, it's like being on acid.


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[Assistant] Cause you get a lift from the sugar and the caffeine and rum is a fucking, it's a mental drink rum.


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[Assistant] And I start tweeting, I didn't know what Twitter, I didn't understand what Twitter was, I just loaded it on my phone. I had about 5,000 followers. And I wrote something like, I want uhm, there's a family of Chinese people living in Sarah Palin's cunt. That's the only tweet I remember.


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[Assistant] It's just going up. By the time the plane landed I had a quarter of a million followers.


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[Assistant] I didn't understand that people are getting like a phone call and seeing what I said and then sending it to their friends and it's just exploding and then I get a text from Sarah Silverman who says I have a friend that works at the White House who says you should probably stop you're getting yourself in


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[Assistant] And then the publicity head of FX wrote me and said, we need you to stop this. I didn't understand that everybody was reading it. I'm like, what? And I'm drunk. And I'm like, so what?


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[Assistant] Anyway, I was hired to host the congressional correspondence dinner. It's the one, it's right before the presidential one, the White House. And Greta Van Susteren said on CNN, I'm boycotting that dinner because that pig


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[Assistant] Also, uhm, the woman who testified before Congress to say that college students should have their abortions paid for, Sarah something.


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[Assistant] Rush Limbaugh called her a slut. He said, I'm not, I'm not, we're not gonna pay for you to have an abortion because you're a college slut. And so everyone, all the Democrats were like, that's terrible that he called her that. But then Bill Maher called Sarah Palin a cunt and gave a million dollars to Obama with a giant check.


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[Assistant] And then I said, uh, that she has Chinese people living in her cunt. I didn't call her cunt. That's different.


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[Assistant] And I was going to host the dinner. So I found out, I called my mom, I said, I'm being boycotted. She said, get out, call, call them now and say, you're not doing it. So I got out. Oh, I didn't do it. And I dodged the thing and it got weird and ugly. So I run, I'm at SNL 40th anniversary and Sarah Palin is there.


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[Assistant] And I see her, I'm in the audience, which is all famous people, like the Rolling Stones, Jack Nicholson, all of the SNL that ever was, but also just the most famous people in the world. I was there presenting something. So I was there and I look up and I just see Sarah Palin looking at me like this, like just looking at me and I'm like,


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[Assistant] So, I, oh, and earlier than that, there was a documentary made about how much people hated Sarah Palin and it was a big conspiracy. And that documentary was directed by Steve Bannon.


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[Assistant] And he, I was in it saying something about her and my lawyer told me, and I said, well, Tom, take it out because they didn't have my permission. So he called Steve Bannon.


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[Assistant] And Steve Bannon said, well, I want to interview. He wanted to interview me. And I said, no, just leave. You can have the footage, but I don't want to. Okay. So Sarah Palin, I'm at the SNL party afterwards and there's, she's standing right there and she says, my nephew is a big comedy fan. And he said, I have to say hi to you.


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[Assistant] And I said, I'm sorry. And she said what? I said I apologize. I said I wrote some really awful things about you on Twitter.


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[Assistant] I would never apologize to like the world, but this woman standing in front of me, I said, listen, I'm not, that's not what I do is like attack people.


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[Assistant] And I don't know if it hurt your feelings, but if it did, I'm really sorry.


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[Assistant] And she said, well, that's really something.


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[Assistant] I really, really appreciate that. She said, if you ever come to Alaska, come and go ice fishing with me. And I thought I might get this rock therapy.


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[Assistant] She wrote a book and she put a chapter about me, a little chapter about me.


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[Assistant] And she described that moment faithfully about how I came up and apologized to her. And she said of all the things that all of the people said about me, the terrible things that were ever said about me, he's the only man that has ever apologized to me.


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[Assistant] So that's my Sarah Palin show. Yeah. But okay, so Obama.


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[Assistant] And then Trump. And then Trump. The Trump, the seminal Trump moment that made him matter.


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[Assistant] To me, was the debate with the 16, he had 16 guys. Eight on his left and eight on his right. And they were, I mean, Chris Christie, uh, fuckin', um, Lindsey Graham, fuckin' Bush, Jeb Bush. Low energy.


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[Assistant] I mean, just, these guys, but without him on stage, they're all stars. They're all stars.


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[Assistant] By the way, just to get Romney for one second.


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[Assistant] Because I never liked, I didn't like Romney. Because he was a venture capitalist with a, what do you call the fund, those funds. Hedge. Hedge fund.


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[Assistant] These guys ruined capitalism. Capitalism used to be make the best of something and make a ton of money or make the second best and kneecap the guy who makes the best.


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[Assistant] And which is fine. That's how that's why we had VHS instead of beta. Beta was better, but VHS just went after beta and won. That's why we had IBM instead of Apple for a long time. IBM Apple was better and it's by the way why we have records.


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[Assistant] The, the, the grooves go up and down, which is stupid. They were better side to side, but that guy, that, that patent got, it's just bullshit. Romney, uhm.


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[Assistant] Never liked him until the whole fucking Capitol riot thing happened and then he did that thing where he stood up in the middle of that crazy shit after January 6th after the riot.


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[Assistant] And he said, you know, I know all of you are trying to serve your constituents by telling them what they want to hear, but why don't you?


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[Assistant] Help them, the people who you work for, by telling them the truth!


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[Assistant] And the place, it was just raucous applause, and he looked at the applauding people, and it reminded me of the Reagan thing, because he looked at them like, why is that getting applause? That's just normal. What has happened to this country? So Romney's an interesting guy to me.


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[Assistant] I don't, yeaah, I never really liked him. I don't like him, but that was an interesting moment. That was human to me. And he kept his dog on the roof of the car.


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[Assistant] I was just sitting at home like, what just happened? That moment was just like a, you could hear the country go, what?


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[Assistant] The fuck is going on here? And every time he spoke at those debates and you just saw those guys peeling off the sides.


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[Assistant] Over time also. I remember Lindsey Graham saying.


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[Assistant] Uhm, after Trump said some really super fucked up thing, I forget which one, Lindsey Graham said, for any of us looking for an off-ramp, this is probably the last one.


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[Assistant] And I thought, wow, Lindsey Graham's got, Lindsey Graham's got it. Lindsey Graham gets it. And boy, I mean that guy, what he revealed about Lindsey Graham and how fake he is and how full of shit he is.


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[Assistant] Same as, uh, as, uh, uh, Nixon did. Nixon was toast. He had to give a speech on TV saying, I'm keeping the dog that I shouldn't. You know, he had to give the checker speech and then he ended up being president twice. Didn't end well.


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[Assistant] But Chris Christie has had a fucked up life, but he's also had a real like his, you know, uh, uh, drug addiction in his family that he gave one speech about drug addiction that was like off the cuff. That's like his, one of his best moments. It was passionate. He's another guy that I met.


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[Assistant] Barely. I was walking in an airport after he'd washed out.


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[Assistant] Of the election and I was in an airport and there was Chris Christie alone with his big suit.


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[Assistant] And his Hudson News airport bag with like a heavy drink and snacks in it. A soda. And he was just walking and he saw me and I think the recognition was just like we're both on, we're both pictures on Twitter.


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[Assistant] And he just went like this, like that. He just looked sad in the airport. But then I saw him on Bill Maher recently.


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[Assistant] And, uh, he took some tough questions and he sounds like he's got some grit to him.


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[Assistant] And he's got some complexity and some dimension and I think he's digging his heels in and thinking about what he believes now.


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[Assistant] He shits on all these guys. Now that is an incredibly fast and powerful engine. To be Trump, you just shoot to the top.


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[Assistant] But it's unstable. It's like Caligula. It's the same fucking thing. He's, he's, everybody around you hates you a little more each day.


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[Assistant] Yes, and also no goals, no real goals for the country, just a win-win-win, which can get you to win to a certain degree, but there's a limit to it. I'm just talking, I'm not talking morally, I'm talking about what works.


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[Assistant] And I think that he's, he's come to a critical place. I don't know if he'll win again.


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[Assistant] But I do, I think that his win changed everything. His win changed everything.


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[Assistant] Everything has both sides. Every single change that comes to your life has both sides, good and bad. It has pain and healing.


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[Assistant] And uh, if you resist pain, you're, you're not going to get the healing. If, and if you also, if you try to freeze your, the moment of happiness, you're going to miss the sad on the other side, which you need, you need it. Otherwise you go, you go, you're not living in the real world.


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[Assistant] The thing I would have said to whoever was just talking about Trump.


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[Assistant] The thing about these guys is, this is what I think about Christie, okay? He's got an idea in his head of who he is and what he believes in. That's what I feel when I see him talk now.


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[Assistant] And that's what these guys are usually missing, the ones who lose. Like, I used to watch American Idol.


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[Assistant] I was, it was a marine who was during the Iraq war. He was in New York on leave and they talked to him. He's in, he's got all his medals. And, uh, he says, I'm a little bum because my family lives in San Diego and I don't have time. I'm only here for two days. I go ship back out.


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[Assistant] And so, uh, of course, Howie Mandel goes, well, they're here! And we flew them out!


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[Assistant] And his little girl like, you know, is crying, you know, and he takes one knee just like Nixon did in my dream. And he hugs his little girl. She's crying, and he's crying. It's huge. I'm sitting there, I'm starting and my lips are trembling. Of course. And then they do the crazy deal or no deal, which is America.


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[Assistant] Keep going, keep going, keep going. And there's always this moment where they're like, you could, you and the guys go, oh my God, you could be, this is it. You've got $250,000, but you could get 10 million. And the guy's like, oh, and then he, then he goes one step too far and the lights come on and it's depressing. Back to us.


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[Assistant] But whenever somebody hits, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take, everybody's going, don't keep going, keep going. He goes, no, I'm stopping here. They always go, oh, thank God.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Yeaah, they do clap. So this was one of those moments. He had a ridiculous, you know the game at all, all the little


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[Assistant] Baskets were gone. They were all retired. He had like, uh, one for 10 million over here and whatever crazy numbers and then one that was like $5, but eight of them were good.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And he had something like a quarter of a million on the thing.


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[Assistant] In his military way, quiet, he says to his little daughter,


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[Assistant] You understand how likely it is, how good the odds are that if I go one more step, I could get more money. I'm not doing that with your future.


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[Assistant] Whenever they sing a song and Simon says you're a little pitchy, whatever.


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[Assistant] The thing I always want them to ask these kids is, do you know what that song's about? Do you know what the song is about that you're fucking singing?


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[Assistant] I will lay myself down like a bridge over troubled water. You can, you can count, you can walk on me.


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[Assistant] Like that's a profound and deep thing. Another one was a kid who sang, uhm, I hear Trina coming. Yeah, Folsom.


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[Assistant] And the sound of the train, cause you can picture the cigars smoking, I bet they're smoking big cigars.


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[Assistant] It tortures him to think of the freedom. He goes, I know I got it coming.


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[Assistant] I know I can't go free, but I hear the whistle blowing and that's what...


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[Assistant] And he says, if I had all the money in the world and I was a free man, all I would do is move that railroad a little bit further down the line.


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[Assistant] So I wouldn't have to hear the whistle. Like all he asks for is that the train was a little further away. That good life was further away. And this kid is singing it like it's his place because he just wants to win. He wants to be a winner.


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[Assistant] He wants to be loved, he wants to connect with the audience. To me, that's Trump.


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[Assistant] I don't think the American people want that. Like he was Kinect because he was a son of a Vegas blackjack dealer. That is, he was an American. Obama, when Obama was president, he was an American. So, to me,


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[Assistant] Trump changed the game in a way a lot of people could have and didn't.


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[Assistant] But I think it's, it's got limited, it's got limited legs. And I, I never thought.


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[Assistant] I think a huge mistake that the Democrats made was to shit on his, on the people who loved him. That's a dumb. Yeah, they can't stop doing it. Basket of deplorables. They can't stop doing it. I mean, it's just the stupidest thing you can do. The thing that


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[Assistant] Progressives do that I've never seen in all these years we've talked about.


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[Assistant] Never seen a political movement do is assign people to the other side.


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[Assistant] You, what Clinton did, what anybody running for president, uh, Nixon did it, you could see examples of all of them when they talked like, especially when they started doing town halls.


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[Assistant] Which was a great addition. They would say, somebody would stand up and say, I, I, uh, I don't want to vote for you because I'm a Democrat.


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[Assistant] And because I think you're, you know, whatever. And they go, okay, tell me, what does that mean to you being a Democrat?


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[Assistant] Well, uh, the economy is very important to me and healthcare, and I want people to be taken care of when they're older, sick. And he goes, I'm afraid to tell you, but you're a Republican. That's what, that's what, that's what people do is like, come here.


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[Assistant] I've got, I've got the same, I'm like you, you're like me more than you understand. Now, and they, they hedge it, they go like, now I'm not, I don't, I don't agree with my opponent's bill for healthcare.


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[Assistant] They push people away because the goal is not actually to win and to change the country, which is a ugly difficulty to really change the country is a gray difficult


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[Assistant] Bureaucratic, uh, unsatisfying slow business and people want to be able to make it happen like this. I can, this I can just, and they're not trying to make something happen, they're just trying to feel, they're trying to show what they think.


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[Assistant] And perform what they are and just get it and they're addicted. It's a sickness. I feel sorry for them. I don't hate people like this. It's just that they're sick. They can't stop this thing. This does. If this doesn't bark, they start feeling sick inside. So if it's not barking, they bark at it. So little bark back.


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[Assistant] And that's on both sides. That's everybody on the Trump side, that's everybody on the progressive side. It's sick, but I feel...


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[Assistant] That's, for me, I'm skipping over Trump because...


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[Assistant] I think the whole country has been in a fever.


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[Assistant] Nightmare for all the time he was president and he was the perfect president for the time we were living. He was all the people that hate Trump.


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[Assistant] That really hate him are exactly like him. And they picked him.


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[Assistant] CNN and MSNBC refuse to talk about any other Republicans. Like I wrote a dumb thing that I never should have written about Trump.


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[Assistant] And the point of it was pick a, pick a real conservative. Like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a conservative generally. I am about some things. I mean, look, if I go to a smoothie place, I don't pick one of the like cool blue or the berry. I like to make my own.


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[Assistant] That's the way I am politically. I'm like bananas with some spinach.


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[Assistant] And some, you know, agave. Okay?


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[Assistant] So, that's the way I am politically, but I think it's, I wanted to say, if you're gonna pick a conservative, pick a person who's gonna really talk about conservative politics, there's a lot of value in that. And then let's have a real debate.


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[Assistant] Trump wasn't that to me. He was a psycho weirdo fucking salesman and he was extremely effective.


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[Assistant] They come and they go and they come and they go and they come and they go. It's just constant. And every time you think this is all over, like I used to tell my kids and people, you know, around me that were really upset when Trump won. Hey, that's how we felt when Reagan won. And you know, we got a lot of good after him and even some good at it.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I like when people are afraid of, uh, we're afraid of terrorism. I mean, that was all anybody cared about after 9-11. And I remember telling people, everybody was like, we're all going to get blown up. This is going to be the end. It's going to be another many more 9-11s. And that's what we thought about nuclear war.


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[Assistant] That's what we thought about. So these kind of things do happen cyclically, cyclically, and I think, uh, that the only way you get out of them is by giving up on our side, your side. And I see people doing that.


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[Assistant] I see everybody doing that. I see, I see it in the way you, what you do on stage. I see it in the way when you first, I remember this is the way I tell myself the story. You would go into the comedy cellar and you want to tell some jokes about your dad. And you'd say, my dad is a Fox news guy.


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[Assistant] And they all go boo, because it's their place. It's New York City and they have no shame.


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[Assistant] Just booing a guy. Yeah, just booing my dad. Boo! Boo! This is definitely the right move.


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[Assistant] Boo! And you would take it with your red Irish half-retarded face, and you would just take it and get angry.


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[Assistant] But you'd swallow the anger, and you'd continue talking about your dad, and it was hard, and you'd went, kept going with these. You're not playing in, you're not being Theo Von playing in the south, you're in New York City, nothing against Theo Von, but you're here. And...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then one night you said to them, they booed, you said my dad's a Trump guy, I mean he's a Fox News guy.


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[Assistant] And they said, boo, and you said, hey, all your dads are Fox News guys. And they went.


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[Assistant] And guess what? You want your dad to be a Fox News guy. And you found this common ground with them. And the thing that SNL really fucked up by not having you on there. By the way, you wouldn't have been able to do what you do on SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pennsylvania, Fox News, Trump World, from, because they're your family.


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[Assistant] And you love them and they're part of you and yet you hate them. You want out, you're growing up and so, but you know how, you can only make fun of somebody. You can only make fun of someone if you love them, if there's love there.


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[Assistant] And you know them and, you know, Seth, uh, you know, fucking Meyers and, uh, Trump and a bit bit bit. There's no, there's their jokes are cracked, but there's no, I don't give a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, that's not fun. It's fun to watch a guy go, this is my debt. Listen, you want to, you want to know about, you want to know what's really flawed about a Fox News guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen to the stories about my dad because, and unfortunately, you're gonna like my dad. You're gonna like him. And that...


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[Assistant] That mix, that being able to like, go like, ah, you fucker, but.


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[Assistant] You and I probably disagree about almost everything, but I can't get your sound anywhere else. I can't get your sound of humanity anywhere else. So I think that...


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[Assistant] All this time drove us apart, and then we got lonely. This is a human story.


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[Assistant] You, you, you want to get away from people that you think are hurting you and then you miss them so much and then you come back together and we'll, we'll do it again. But I do believe.


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[Assistant] And again, I do think that, I mean, Trump could have, he ran for president every, every election.


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[Assistant] People are like, where did this, he, he could have the country decided it's time for Trump because we lost our minds. But he ran, I remember he ran one year and he got a shot. He did a town hall, uh, just one on one with some big Chris Matthews.


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[Assistant] And he said, uhm, well, what do you think of, uh, the Republican National, whatever. And Trump said, they're just retarded. And Chris Matthews was like... And I was like, did he just say retarded? Because they're just so retarded. And...


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[Assistant] Nobody took him seriously. He ran every four years and it would just be like, stop it. There's an interesting thing. Give me the fucking break.


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[Assistant] He, he, he, the thing is Trump's magic.


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[Assistant] Was an absolute perfect narcissism. Like a crystal fucking diamond.


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[Assistant] Just perfect, no-flaws narcissism and at an age where that was the country. Everybody and people, something was invented under Trump, I feel, which is, or maybe it goes all the way back to everybody who's ever been like a big crazy leader is, um, uh,


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[Assistant] I understand that. I understand that. And I was, I was, uh, I felt in agony every minute that he was president and I hated it.


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[Assistant] But I understood, I understand, I understand why people dug them.


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[Assistant] Listen, when I was, I was on tour when he won, and I was in Dallas the night he won, or the night after, the first day of him being president, and I said, hey guys, you know all this stuff about prob, cause everybody was into problematic and writing thinking pieces about


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[Assistant] You know, this and that. I was like, so this is what you did. Thank you. Yeah, this is where it got us. This is where, that was my feeling back then, was like, this is what's happened, is that there's no conversation going on anymore. Nobody's really defending liberal politics and there isn't a real conservative running. It's just a,


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[Assistant] It's just a shit show and a piece of shit one. The right shit show.


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[Assistant] I think the next thing that would restore the country is uhm,


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[Assistant] A fucking normal conservative. A normal Chris Christie. Just a normal fucking dude. Because there's no democrat, first of all, they're all behind, there's nobody even thinking. At this point, it's 2022.


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[Assistant] The presidential election is in 2024 and not one democrat is talking about running. Uhm, so there is, it's gonna be Biden. And it can't be.


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[Assistant] I think it literally can't be too, so I don't really know what we got. And it's such a mess over on the, on the, on the Democrat side and, but it can't be these, it can't be these guys who are just...


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[Assistant] Pushin' whatever button that day. I'm gonna go against liberals on this cause that's what they're mad about today. It's gotta be somebody who goes back to just regular, and I don't want a conservative president, but I believe


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the test of what a president should be? Is it that he should be compassionate, strong, all these? To me, what he should be is a representative of the people's will. He remember this thing that I said, he is a president. He presides. Like when they talk about like real intellectuals talk about it and real press guys, they say you are president.


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[Assistant] They don't say you're the president. They say you're president. And Obama used to say when it comes to president, he didn't say being the president because it's a verb. It's presiding. You're presiding. Like I said, it's not.


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[Assistant] It's a simple job. Trump always talks about leader when you're a leader. You're not a leader. You're not a ruler.


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[Assistant] You are presiding over a process. You're presiding over a process of equals deciding things together. You're supposed to be just one of the people who was chosen to step up and run shit for a while being told by this group of all, that's all we also voted for.


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[Assistant] What to do, that's what the legislators and then these nine people who are looking after making sure that all that it's supposed to result in the right thing and keeping after keeping the tiller in the right direction.


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[Assistant] But it's a pri- it's a humble position. That's why I don't think it belongs to a guy like him.


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[Assistant] Um, I think it's fascinating that he took it for as long as, for those four years. And they fuckin' impeach him twice. If you impeach somebody and they win, it makes them stronger. I mean, Clinton proved that. It's just so fucking stupid. If it wasn't.


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[Assistant] It'll still be there. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard to say. He really was running hot. And he can't give a fuck. And that's just a something's going to get you. Same was Nixon. Same with Caligula. Just somebody, some thing that you left because you didn't care. Same with Putin. I mean, these guys who just like they


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you stay in politics long enough, you're going to have a moment where things aren't good and you look to your right and somebody's like,


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[Assistant] And you start to take a dump into the ground.


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[Assistant] Now if you get your hold on the mechanisms hard enough, like get rid of, to me the thing about Trump is that he had no respect for the, for democratic process. To me the thing on the left is they have no respect.


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[Assistant] For liberty. This America is about democracy and liberty.


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[Assistant] Okay, it's about that we choose amongst ourselves and that there's a working fair democracy and it's about you can say what you want, you can believe what you want, you can be who you want, you can have the identity you want, you can be anything you want and no one, and the great American


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, ideal is leave people the fuck alone. That's the one they forget. It's not about like say this, say that. It's about leave folks alone. Let people do what they want.


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[Assistant] And the left forgot that. They don't give a fuck about freedom of speech anymore. They don't get how stupid it is to shut people up and how quickly that's going to come around and kick you in the ass. Same thing with Trump. If you just wield authority like this, say fuck democracy, no one's going to have your back.


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[Assistant] That's why it becomes a looking glass. Because they don't understand each other. And yes, they are right about each other. Yea, they're right. They're right about each other. The left is right about Trump. Trump's right about the left and all the people that are left, you know. And so, it's a mess. But the thing I count on.


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[Assistant] Is just human spirit, human nature, which is that we gotta, we, we, we like each other.


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[Assistant] I think, uh, and we like to laugh at each other and, um, and, and everybody knows that they're full of shit. Everybody knows it's the thing that's sad about the phone to me. And this is the last thing I'm going to say because I'm going to lose my mind.


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[Assistant] Sorry, let me finish this. You get on a subway train or on a bus or on a plane and you look at another person and there's that weird eye contact thing and you look at a person and you kinda hate, we're reptilian. Like hell, fuck that guy.


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[Assistant] But you look at a person and you go, he ain't that bad.


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[Assistant] And then you see him look at you and you see yourself through his eyes and you think, I ain't that great. These are these two very important parts.


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[Assistant] He ain't that bad, I ain't that great. And you get that from eye contact and personal contact and through forced, you just ram people that you don't love, around people that you're not, that aren't like you. That's why I've always loved New York City because I always used to feel like that.


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[Assistant] Uh, but with this thing, you just, you don't, you don't have to ever have that moment. You're just looking into this and it keeps, and it keeps this magical algorithm keeps telling you more and more of what you want to feel. It doesn't give you any, it keeps you from any, um,


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[Assistant] Resistance, you know. Kids get out of college and they just feel like idiots because they go in the world and nobody cares what they think.


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[Assistant] But they start to get stronger every day they meet with resistance. And also they start to hear shit they don't believe in and believe some of it. You know what I mean? And the world expands. But this thing takes you into a smaller world every day. Smaller and smaller. Further away from other people.


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[Assistant] And everybody, instead of learning and growing, everybody's becoming retarded. That's where Trump came from. And I don't know what's next. I really don't. I don't know what they're going to do.


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[Assistant] He wasn't even just Nixon's Vice President, he was the Senate Majority Leader.


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[Assistant] Spiral Agnew. And he got asked. He got thrown out because he was a fucking crook.


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[Assistant] So Ford runs, uh, with Bob Dole is the...


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[Assistant] I'll help you. I'll help you. Don't stop at me.


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[Assistant] Like I'm telling him to just keep walking. And he goes, well, what's your name?


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[Assistant] No, the guy, this guy in the Wall Street Journal, he's a, um, he's a Pennsylvania guy who,


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[Assistant] You actually kind of look stylish because like 90s shit is in style right now. You are unironically in style.


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[Assistant] We got, we got too linked last night. Bro. That was the problem. We got fucked up. You and me were vibing so hard. We vibed. It felt good dude. It did. It was. It's been a while since we vibed.


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[Assistant] That's a nice thing. It is nice. Now you gotta keep that streak going. I'm definitely keeping it going dude. You got fat before you close the lights off. Like cheers. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you know what was sick? When I went to, I, uh, I hadn't done the road in a couple of weeks and I, so I live with my girlfriend so I haven't been using pornography. Sure. I rarely use pornography. And then I hit the hotel fucking whack off.


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[Assistant] It's so fun, dude. When you lay off the porn for just a couple weeks, and then you hit one by yourself, you don't need to, you don't need to worry about performance with your girlfriend. You don't need to worry about your sexual performance. You get to just lay back and fucking whack off. Just whack on.


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[Assistant] That's when I know you've got a problem. What? When you've outgrown beans.


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[Assistant] When I got in my airbnb, the lady let me in and gave me a tour of the airbnb at like 9pm. Really. It was very odd. It was nothing sexual. That sounds a little bit like an independent film. No, it does sound like the beginning of an independent film. Like that real estate one. You ever watch the property?


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[Assistant] I think I've seen, I've seen a couple of those. Those are my favorites, dude. Some hot real estate ladies. Yeah, Sundance or whatever, yeah. The guy's like, hey, I gotta film for my boss, I gotta check out the house. I'll give you 5 G's if, you know, we'll settle this deal right now. Yeah.


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[Assistant] No, the, uh, fuck was like, oh yeaah, so we get inside, she takes her shoes off, and she's wearing a fucking mask. And she was like, she's great, she's very sweet, uh, but.


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[Assistant] She's like, took her shoes off. I was like, do you want me to take my shoes off too? She's like, yeah, if you could do that every time, man. Oh wow. She wants us to not wear shoes in the Airbnb. Really? Guess what, lady? I'm wearing shoes.


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[Assistant] And then when I got in there, there was a Kamala Harris book on the fucking counter. Really? Yeah.


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[Assistant] You've got to be a real dude. There's no chance she read that. No way. Nobody read that fucking book. No. It's like, well my time as district, it's like who gives a fuck? Oh dude, it's, it's crazy. She's. Yeah, she's. Check out how many books Jill Biden sold. This is a pretty fun fact. Really? She wrote a book and like 200 copies got sold.


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[Assistant] JB? Joe Budden? Yeah, Jill. His wife. Did you hear? She sold 250 bucks.


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[Assistant] Also, it is astonishing that 250 people are that fucking dumb. That they went out and bought a fucking Jill Biden book.


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[Assistant] Okay, so they were like the vice president shouldn't be wearing, wasn't he wearing like chucks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. In Mexico. True, true. Remember when they were trying to give Chapito AK-47s and they ended up losing them? Yeah. Did the Zetas get their hands on them? They all did. They just killed a bunch of people with them. And Gaddafi got hit. Gaddafi got hit.


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[Assistant] Was he like a Pan-African guy? Did he want Africa to fucking unite? I think so. Probably under his rule, which is a sick word.


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[Assistant] He was the last, he was basically Mexico. Yeah, it was as if we paid Mexico to stop immigrants. But uhm, wasn't he, was it in the fucking, what was the, can't get you out of my head guy? Adam Curtis. Wasn't he in the Adam Curtis talk? Or one of them? Probably. About how like,


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[Assistant] We agree. So they did, they got Saddam. Were we talking about that with Louie on the podcast? With Saddam getting hung?


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[Assistant] That's pretty cool. About to get hung and the dude's like, fuck you. He's like, shut the fuck up, dude. He's a real charmer.


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[Assistant] You remember your families dude. You would go get them if you started acting. True, yea, he was quite the list maker. You ever watch, you ever see the video of him like taking power? No. Oh yes, I've seen that. And he's like, here are the, here are the traitors. Then he made the other guys execute those dudes? Yes. You show me that. That's powerful shit. Yea, that was in the Netflix.


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[Assistant] It'd be funny if she wrote like, instead of like a presidential type shit, if it was like, like Chelsea, like, hey vodka, it's me. I was getting my pussy fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, she should have outed her son. She should have just destroyed Hunter. Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah, destroyed Hunter. She should have done a tell-all on Hunter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should fucking ghost write it. I might. Yo, you'd be good at that. Ghost writing Joe Biden's book? You did the fucking, that Pence video you made years ago was fantastic. Thank you very much. You could write a, you could write a biography. Fan fiction? Yes. It's not a bad idea.


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[Assistant] You could write a biography for Joe Biden or Hunter. Hunter would be so sick. Hunter would be tight. Hunter had to write a nice guy. You to write a bio for Hunter as Hunter would be so fucking funny. That would be pretty tight. Yea dude, I was doing crack. You'd be good at it. You're good at writing on behalf of those types of guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, and he is not gay. Include that throughout the bio. By the way, a guy tried to fucking put a hit on me and I said no.


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[Assistant] Cold ass cornfield? It is, it can get too cold for a fucking...


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[Assistant] That's actually kind of nice. The warmth of your love. Love making.


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[Assistant] Did you orgasm? Oh, of course. How did you orgasm? In the night? In the neighborhood?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outside of commercials, non-stop. Fuckin' AIDS commercials on TV now. Really? Pretty often.


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[Assistant] Get AIDS and don't fucking prevent it. Just get it and let it fuck you up. Just let it go. You'll die pretty quick I think. I can probably beat AIDS. Just do it as a gag for the pocket. Just slowly disintegrate. That'd be funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This will never end, this is the best. If the five of us loved fucking each other's asses. It would be non-stop. Like dude, if we were in here right now. There would be no podcast, that's for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like- I'd be so jealous though. You think so? If I saw someone putting their hands on you without me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be, yea. Think of our milky-thigh slather, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every summer. True. We could go rogue on this and really start capturing some boys. If there's five dudes working together, we could accomplish a lot. We could do a lot. 19 dudes did 9-11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What type of shit talk would you say? Like say, alright, say you're at the gay bar. You're being bitchy dude. A guy like Burke comes up and says. Fucking vulgar. Yes, you're vulgar. Burke comes up and says, Hey!


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[Assistant] Kevin Samuels. Yeah, we watched a couple of those. That was very funny. Fat bitch. Oh, that one? You'd just be talking to women and be like, yeah, well, you're fucking 30 and you live, you're a whore. You have two kids. Nobody wants you. You're used up. You'd be like, next call. Tough talk. And you'd have like a turtleneck and a metronome going behind them. Damn. Yeah, it was crazy.


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[Assistant] That's bullshit dude. Somebody needs to cut that out. Whoever's doing that should stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to Narcos, dude. Talk to Chapito. You think Chapito's down there doing it? Yea, they did it. Knock it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, there's always, there's a rumor that other cartels are doing it to other cartels to ruin their whole fucking thing. And then there's other ones where if they put in heroin, it makes the heroin great. That's always the rumor. The thing is like if somebody dies off heroin, everybody goes to that dealer. That's confirmed. That's confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we could go down there for very cheap. Oh yeah. That's a whole thing. Like there's a, there's like a, you can watch TikToks and shit of black dudes making crack heads do funny things. Oh yeah. Remember the milk crate challenge? They were making the boys run around. Yeah, that's pretty good. I saw one of the dudes try to do a backflip, just crack his skull. And they all laughed. Everyone was like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should learn like, you should train MMA and like try new moves and go outside and be like, 20 bucks, let me try this fucking spinning back fist. You can work on real dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be sick. Because you would dominate those dudes. I know they're like, they don't have much feeling, but they're very weak and malnourished. You could Royal Rumble. You could give them each 30 bucks and be like, we're doing a Royal Rumble. Keep tossing them out of the rings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do heroin on Kensington, you must wake up to hellish fights. Dude, he's- He's- Often.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be nice to go down and give a dude a pedigree. That'd be nice. Get his arms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's fun, dude. Tombstone and a fucking crack, uh, heroin guy. Yea, let's get it straight. You don't want tombstone and crack. I think they'd go along with the suplex, dude, if you got them vertical. Oh, they'd stick it like that. They'd go full zero G.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck, dude. I mean, yeaah. It's crazy, this is the only thing I've been seeing, cause everyday, everytime we've filmed, we've filmed in like, north. Yeaah. We filmed a couple times, like you saw it where we were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you gotta drive through that shit. It's the wildest shit. It's dude. I've never, I mean, I would see it sometimes going to our old place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, and then I went over to England, and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, how was it? Nice. It was nice. Really? It's fucking nicer than America. The fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, everybody's, but in England they would do the same thing. I'd be like, it's so much, they'd be like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was showing this one dude, Adam. He's very funny. He's a comedian over there. We were on, I was on his pockets and I was like, I haven't seen a homeless person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no homeless. Really? There's a few. Yeaah. There's nothing, dude. Yeaah. And they were like, no, we get it pretty bad. I was like, show, I was like, put Kensington Ave up on the fucking screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what Philly's like. What'd they say? They were like, holy fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've never seen anything like that. And it's so bad because it's under the fucking train. So it's just always dark. Truly hellish.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's a fucking, it's a tragedy. Yeah, it stinks. It's a real tragedy. Get better, guys. Guys, stop doing it, you fucking idiots. You're making it bad. Get off the fucking ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, yes, this is, no, you can't do that. Maybe. You think water's gonna erode your nose? It erodes fucking sand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe water is strong, dude. I believe you. So you're using a neti pot and you think it might erode some of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm sorry to keep cutting you off. Your fucking wife must...


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[Assistant] Like dude, you taped your mouth shut at night. Yeah, she's down. If I was getting into bed with someone and they were like, oh it's bedtime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You laughing? Is that funny? No, it's not funny to me, no. You never considered getting a hard blowout. Just for the heck of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did the girl thing and I told her, I was like, you're being a fucking slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the dream they were mean to me. What? Her and her lover. I caught them. And they just went straight to being mean to me. They're like, yeah dude, obviously she's fucking me. All you do is sit around and play Xbox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a bad dream. And it was very vivid. It sucked. I'm sorry. No, it's weird actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks because anytime I have those dreams I always act like I never would really act. I'm always such a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm always like, but I, I loved you! Oh really? You know what I mean? I would never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's grumpy. Caught someone cheating on me. What the fuck are you, what the fuck is this? Murder, suicide. And that would probably murder, suicide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have breakup dreams like that. Like where a girl will be like, I don't love you anymore. And I'll be like, but I need, like, I'd like beg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel bad for you. I know it's your shit, so it's a little easier. When I always had to move for people. Everybody in my family. Yeah, they'd be like, get in shame. And I'd get signed up. Every time. Every aunt and uncle, every fucking cousin, all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is always nice to have a hangover that's worth it. It was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I woke up and I felt so bad about kicking those people out of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know I shouldn't. It was just the anxiety to hangover. I mean it was a shitty move, but it was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could have been, I mean, they probably were. They were up there wearing wristbands. They were probably with.


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[Assistant] But it would have been funny if it happened to one of us. Like if they, if just randomly they came up to like O'Connor or Gardini and were like, you have to go.


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[Assistant] But then you're probably on them. Oh yeaah. Freak. Yeaah, since I was like 15. Really?


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[Assistant] That's all these dudes on Adderall, that's gonna be weird.


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[Assistant] In the big city. Is it really? It's so, dude, Adderall's as common as it gets now. True, yeaah. Everybody's munching that shit. Yeaah. Every girl, it is the perfect girl drug. It is. I think we've talked about this a bunch, but. Dude, they love it. They don't eat, they're fucking happy, they're yapping. Do their homework. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] That would be fuckin' chill, you get to heaven. Just guys. Just the dudes like, yooo.


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[Assistant] In heaven there's no, you don't need to suck, you don't need to get sucked. You're just jibbing all the time. It's just the bros at the bar.


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[Assistant] Most countries in the state does come down on you pretty good.


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[Assistant] Yeah, not bad. They, that is bliss though. Watching the bros at the bar. Just seeing your buddy having fun. Yeah, it's very fun. I love seeing Spade having fun. Yeah. Billy dancing. Big Billy. Fucking the O'Connor man buzzing. He was buzzing around. O'Connor was.


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[Assistant] Damn. It's just fun to watch the bees sitting on his phone having fun. Bees is plugged up. He is locked in dude. He is one with the bugs.


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[Assistant] Microdoses. He's blazing. He's blazing like it was a fucking cigarette when I saw him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't do enough of it. I've never, I never took off on it.


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[Assistant] Alright, that boy fucking just sat there and fucking. Like 10 minutes.


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[Assistant] That's what would happen to me. I would not have the no experience. I would go in and have the bad time.


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[Assistant] I don't want to get the fucking, the mushrooms. I'll never do that again.


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[Assistant] That trip, I'm out. I saw it. I saw it. It sucked.


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[Assistant] I mean, no, it's actually pretty sick. Especially when you get ripped out of it, dude.


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[Assistant] I'd rather be in the pink and purple room than moving at 7am when it's 95 degrees.


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[Assistant] With my pregnant wife. That is, bro. That is fucking wild you're doing that.


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[Assistant] If one thing went wrong, I'd be like, go, just leave. You need to leave. I'll do this.


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[Assistant] This is at least 40 babies worth of shit I just fucking carried it.


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[Assistant] Damn, it's late. What time is it? It's fucking on-set, bro.


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[Assistant] We used to have nightcasts that were so litty. I know man.


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[Assistant] Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by Raycon. Alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's here to judge what you listen to when no one else can hear. But no matter what you like listening to, it'll sound great with Raycon earbuds. Raycon's everyday earbuds look, feel, and sound better than ever.


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[Assistant] Alright, just so you know that. Oh yeaah. With optimized gel tips for the perfect in-ear fit, these earbuds are so comfortable and they will not budge. Trust me.


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[Assistant] I love the long play time, because I have fucking airpods a lot of the time. And that's like 2-3 hours. I gotta take them off for like 15 minutes on a plane. I just gotta sit there and listen to fucking people. Babies. And people chewing. People chewing. Me chewing.


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[Assistant] Oh, I got that. Do you hear fucking people? I got fucking, I spaz on the weirdest shit, dude. Really? I get so mad. Like if somebody answers their phone in public, I'm furious. Really? I hide it, but deep inside, I'm about to break.


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[Assistant] But that doesn't mean they won't last. With Raycon you get the same quality audio as other premium audio brands at half the fucking price.


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[Assistant] And they're still working afterwards. That's why Raycon's everyday earbuds have over 49,000 5-star reviews.


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[Assistant] Wow. Check out Raycon's wireless earbuds. Jesus, it's the longest fucking ad of all time. Check out Raycon's wireless earbuds. My guess is that you're gonna want to leave them a five star review too. Go to buyraycon.com slash drenched today to get 15% off Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash drenched to score 15% off buyraycon.com slash drenched. Jesus Christ. Guys, we're not reading that much again.


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[Assistant] So you can just cycle posters. Yes, dude. You can be a guy who has magnetic posters in his house and you cycle them.


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[Assistant] Put whatever you want on your wall, dude. Yeah, are you a horny fucking psycho that wants some magnets on his walls?


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[Assistant] I've never ever once in my life seen someone say, it's 34% off. It's 34% off. We were at 27%, now we're at 34% off.


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[Assistant] That's, that's, that's, that's, you wanted a show kit, like a seller. Like a club.


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[Assistant] I got, so Matt, Matt's gonna come with me. Me and Matt are headed to Australia. How about that? So August 3rd, Brisbane. August 4th, Brisbane. August 5th, Sydney. August 6th, Sydney. August 6th, Sydney.


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[Assistant] August 10th, Adelaide. 11th, Perth. 13th, Melbourne. 13th, Melbourne. We got two of them, yeaah. Nice. It's gonna be great. And I think we're probably gonna start adding some shows.


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[Assistant] Uh, gee, I gotta, I haven't promoted this at all. June 9th, 10th, and 11th I'll be at the Improv Embraer.


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[Assistant] Breaah. Improv Breaah. California. July 7th, 8th and 9th. Magoobies. Joke House. 14th, 15th, 16th of July. Pittsburgh Improv. It looks like July 21st, 22nd, 23rd, I'll be at Cobbs in San Francisco.


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[Assistant] You wanna say anything? You got your show, right? You have a show?


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[Assistant] Noah's Paint on Instagram. Noah's Paint. It's pretty tight shit. Yea, it's pretty tight. I have painting. Guys, we did it. Yea, we did. A lot of people didn't think we were going to get through this.


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[Assistant] Adams. Are you seriously gonna try? I could go, I think I could go easy. Here's a good piece of trivia. And don't look it up.


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[Assistant] Here's a quiz question. Who is Johnson, Lyndon Maynes Johnson's vice president after Kennedy was shot when he became the vice president?


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[Assistant] And then when he ran for, then when he ran, then when he ran, he got somebody else, but he was like, he called up, Joan, I need your cunt to be my vice.