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[Assistant] Okay. Dude, imagine the smells he's able to imprint on a pair of sweatpants.


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[Assistant] Alright, so last week when I was- I'm a terrible storyteller, I'm so sorry.


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[Assistant] Yeah. No, it's good. But as we go, I was in Detroit, uh, we, we got deep dish pizza, like the second we got off the plane, like 11 in the morning, Detroit style pizza.


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[Assistant] All right. So, so I, uh, I have a rotten bowel movement after eating this pizza and I go to take a picture of it and send it to my shit chat, which is Matt and Rainey. I'm like, bros, check this. I, oh no, I send this picture and I just Detroit style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when I go to send it to this shit chat, I couldn't find it scrolling. So I searched Matt's name. And when I searched Matt...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first result was shit chat and I click on shit chat and I send my picture of half diarrhea, half solid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, with the caption Detroit style and I hit send and I go, haha, Mike, check your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he goes, I don't have anything. And I looked down and I realized that it actually did not send it to shit chat. It sent it to my second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Text thread that had Matt in it, which was me and Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last message in this chat was from two years ago. And it was, it was me, Matt Delcalo, and then two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Managers from Helium. Wasn't Mekki Leeper on that too? Was that an unknown number of Mekki? Oh, thank God, dude. I thought it was Revan. No, it was Mekki Leeper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, funny, but then also like a, a national manager of a comedy club, James. And I, what I thought was a lady in the same job, Revan, but I guess it wasn't, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so as I look back down at my phone, I'm like, oh my fucking god, dude, there's an unknown number in here and, uh, Jerry from Helium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I haven't texted anyone in this thread for three years.


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[Assistant] This is the, I think instant full body sweat. Like I could feel, I could feel the, the cuffs of my pants wicking anguished. It was so atrocious. So the first thing I did was actually send it to the right chat and then I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, yeaah. I mean, just my, I'm in a hotel room with like my hands shaking like, dude, I think I just embarrassed myself. Like, not like I'm going to get in trouble. Like, I just embarrassed myself in a way that I might not ever recover from. And then, obviously.


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[Assistant] It's, it's almost like, uh, like a theme park currency, and you need to trade it for, even if you're gonna, it's gonna be long term, pussy, you need to like cash it in for something more permanent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can tell all women, like, stop sucking their dicks, dude. It's like putting them on a pedestal over us. You're basically putting women down by like black people in the mainstream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is if you just started stealing and convinced them that this was true.


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[Assistant] He's putting together a resume to go to the state police.


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[Assistant] You should be like, yea, they get scooped by like the FBI. They will, yea. Yea, we've been waiting for a guy like you. That's how you get called in the men in black. That's how they found Will Smith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ohm is actually two full neck rotations. Yeah. Ohm, bro. Yeah. What were we talking about? Uh, oh, the baby.


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[Assistant] You know, I was thinking earlier, maybe this won't be funny cause it's not in the moment anymore, but you know how the airports they have, um,


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[Assistant] And you're racking up a high score. It's like the punch machine with a high score. And you're just seeing how hard you can like break the bridge of her nose with her forearm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's cra- it's crazy as a field of study because you can't observe it directly because the second you look at it, it starts to like dissapear. It's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you can't use your, you can't directly focus on the fun. You have to use like your peripheral senses in every regard to study. Like, you have to be like, woah, this is a good time. You have to be doing everything possible to have a good time and then you go like, woah. True. Then you're back to having fun.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I would say, I would say unofficially I had a great time.


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[Assistant] Definitely, and it's funny talking to like other comics and stuff that like, they view it as like a death sentence. Cause the only thing they can imagine is like, the industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. You know what I mean? Right. They're like, oh, you're gonna have to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was funny because my managers and agents, they were like, let's shop it. And I was like, no, like that's, wait, and then what? Like wait a week for them to all say no. Let's just put it out there. No one's going to take it.


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[Assistant] And it's hard to, and then the second you start defending yourself for something that's not true.


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[Assistant] It gives it validation. So what do you think the people at Netflix think they know about you?


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[Assistant] I think if I had to guess, I think there's a bunch of people at Netflix that have seen me and think I'm very funny. And if I had to guess, there's probably five people there that are


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of holding everyone hostage as to what type of content they make and who they select and all that. I think that goes, I think that that's kind of the industry.


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[Assistant] Definitely. And it also, you don't want to come off like a, like a sore loser or like a, uh,


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[Assistant] They're not picking me because of this type thing. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Like you, I'm afraid to, I'm not afraid, but like I'm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very conscious of vocalizing like the reason they're not picking me is because of this.


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[Assistant] Because- Right, because- That's an excuse a lot of very bad comedians-


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[Assistant] All right, uh, I'm from Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. Uh, grew up nice middle-class suburban family, Catholic, played sports. Everything's good. Uh, went to army, went to West Point for football. Quit right away. Why right away? Uh, cause it was hard.


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[Assistant] It's only practice. It's only practice. And then at the college level you practice like, uh, like.


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[Assistant] It's 8am to 9pm, every day. It's just meetings, lifting, film, training room, film.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's just the, it sucks. Especially when you suck and I suck.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it's funny cause yeaah, I have friends that played, you know, they played wide out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and quarterback and all that. I literally played a different sport.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well that's, that's good. Yea, I was good. I was good at football. Right. And then, uh, yea, I played one season of college football and then quit. Again. After leaving West Point. Yea, left West Point. I mean, literally three weeks. Why West Point? Uh, they played like, Notre Dame and Army Navy and at Texas A&M. There were so many like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As far as like getting recruited, I was getting recruited by like Eastern Michigan temple and army.


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[Assistant] Yeah, then I went to Elon in North Carolina. It's one double A. You remember when AppState beat Michigan?


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[Assistant] Appalachian State. That was, we were in the conference with them. And we played them that year. Like that was the conference. It was like Georgia.


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[Assistant] Just as good. And so that, that was the hardest part was physically getting your ass kicked every day.


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[Assistant] And I quit football and after that I just stopped going to like school, stopped going to class, whatever. Getting home, I graduated from Westchester in, outside of Philly, uh, sold cars when I got home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, started doing stand-up. So then I moved to Philly. I lived in Philly for like five years, six years, uh, doing stand-up. And then when I was 30, so like two, three years ago, I moved to New York. And then within a year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can get mean. Well, you keep digging until you hit like the worst thing you can possibly say. Right. While you're drinking, you're like, I'll say this. Right. You keep pulling it off and then finally you're like, yeah, your wife's a whore. Right. It's like, oh, we gotta fight.


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[Assistant] I think I was a little in between. There was a guy in Mechanicsburg that was doing an open mic.


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[Assistant] One of my coworkers was going to do an open mic and somebody was like, Hey, do you want to go watch him do stand up?


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[Assistant] And I was like, oh shit, like I didn't even, I had no idea how to even get into stand-up comedy. Like there was, there's zero comedy in Mechanicsburg. And uh, so then I went and watched him do stand-up and I was like, oh, I can do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was one of those feelings. Like I was at an open mic at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone, and I was like, I can, I'm just as good as these people. And so like, a month later I tried it, and I was not. I was very, very bad. But, you know, I liked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there's uhm, there's New York comics like Dan Soder and Big Jay Oakes and they were like coming through Philly. I would feature for them when they were at Helium in Philly. And so they started taking me on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, yeah, just, I, I felt like I was good enough to make the jump to New York. And, uh, yeah.


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[Assistant] Uhm, they had just seen me at Just For Laughs Montreal.


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[Assistant] The festival. Yeah, there was a comedy festival. I did new faces. So that's, for the listener, that's just like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, up and coming comedians, they have a showcase for new comics. And uh, I guess there were people from SNL that were at the showcase and they were like, he was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they contacted my agents and they asked me to do like a writing, writing packet. And I didn't, I didn't do it. I was like, I'm not.


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[Assistant] I don't want to be a writer and I'm probably not going to ever work for SNL.


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[Assistant] And then they were like, all right, that's fine. He didn't do the writer's packet. We want him to audition.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like I was a little like, I don't know, but then they were like, he doesn't have to do the preliminary audition. He can just come in and audition on the main stage. Just so just straight to the main stage audition. And I was like, all right, yes, I'll do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they saw that I would be good at the desk. Like, uh, weekend update and all that stuff.


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[Assistant] I think that was like where they were probably going to place me.


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[Assistant] I think initially it means sliding in and doing basically stand up, which is what that is to some extent. And then I think maybe, I don't know, it's tough to say, host weekend update, but yea.


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[Assistant] Now, they put you in the, they put you in like, there's probably like 15, 20 people auditioning, I don't even know.


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[Assistant] Uh, they put you all in green rooms, all like the cast's green rooms and all that. So you're in 30 Rock. And then, uh...


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[Assistant] They make you wait. They make you wait like three hours. You just sit there. Cause I guess it's like a tactic to make you like nervous or like see how you handle pressure or whatever. Uh, but the whole time I didn't, I genuinely was like, I'm never going to get this. I don't care. So I was very calm. And now, now.


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[Assistant] Did you shape it a little for this? I changed it, I changed it. I remember changing it right at the last second and I forget how I changed it.


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[Assistant] I think my, my, my one friend Reggie was like, you should do an impression. I might've done one. I've, yeah. Anyway, so I didn't care at all.


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[Assistant] And then when you walk out to do the audition, you see the stage, then it hits you. And then you're like, oh fuck, I do care.


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[Assistant] Because you're on the actual SNL stage? Yeah, you're on the stage where they do the opening monologue and the band is behind you. And then like, Lorne Michaels is just sitting there and the whole studio is empty. There's just a camera five feet in front of you. It was, yeah, it was probably the most nervous I've ever been.


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[Assistant] It makes it embarrassing. Like if you're doing stand up for no one, it's very embarrassing.


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[Assistant] I don't, I genuinely don't, but I do remember getting laughs, which they said wouldn't happen. They were like, Lauren and the writers and all them won't laugh. So just pretend they're not there and go.


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[Assistant] But yeah, once I started, I got some laughs right away and I was like, oh nice. And then just kept, you know, that was it. Got done. You walk straight out. You don't say anything to anybody. Uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I thought, I thought I sucked because I was nervous. Like I was, my hand was shaking with the mic. So I was like, this is bad. And then I ran into Michael Che that night after, and he was like, no, that was really good. At a club or? Yea, at a show. And he was like, no, that was actually really good.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I was like, I thought I was, you know, my fucking hand was shaking. I was nervous and he was like, you were the, you were the most calm. Wow. And I was like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And yeah, it just went from there, like where it was the whole time I was like, all right, this has got to end. This isn't going to work. And then it just kept being like.


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[Assistant] No, you're our favorite. No, you got it. Now you're on the cast. Now you're, you know. In the course of how many days? Two weeks. It went from like literally zero to on the show in like two weeks. To getting cancelled in like four days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call, Lauren called to be like, cause after the audition they bring you in to like meet everybody and talk to everybody and I met with Lauren and he was like,


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[Assistant] Uh, I'm going to use you, I'm just not sure if it's going to be a writer or as a featured cast member. So he thought maybe he would bring me on as a writer to kind of like learn how the show worked. Uh, but yeah, that was what he told me he was debating. And then one day he called me and was like, all right, we're going to, you're going to go straight to cast. And then the next day they're announcing it. So I had like, they had like 24 hours to like vet me.


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[Assistant] And, uh, yeah, I don't think they were used to ever checking for podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a, uh, improv person. Not necessarily a stand up or somebody that has a podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how, you know, were they gonna listen to a thousand hours of a podcast? Right. Uhm, so yeaah, they announced that I'm on the show. It was very cool for about four hours.


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[Assistant] Mhm. You know, everybody I'd ever known and like gone to school with or...


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[Assistant] Everybody, just reaching out like, holy shit, this is crazy, you're on SNL. And then, uh,


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[Assistant] I was like, no, I'm going to go do stand up. I went to the stand in New York and while I was on the train, my agent, this is like four hours after the announcement, my agent texted me and was like, did you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a slur. And I was like, no, I don't think, I wouldn't say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And then she was like, here's an audio clip of you or here's a video of you saying it. I was like, looks like I said it. Cause right when she said it, I was like, no, I don't think I'm not really.


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[Assistant] And you know, it was funny because I was on the train so I was going like in and out of service. Oh. While getting cancelled. Oh. So I was like.


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[Assistant] Trying to update my phone and my agent would be like, you need to call, you're fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's like, it's kind of like the network thing we were talking about, the vegans. Right. It's like, there's like a hundred people on Twitter that enjoy this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. And they just, they've built a career type thing around this cancelled type thing or being outraged or however, you know. Uh, yeah, I don't think it's, no one cares. I, I look, I- Genuinely, no one cares. Every single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A hundred percent, yeaah. I see, but that's the thing, like I, I started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started doing like stand up very like actually seriously in like 2015 or six, like, so.


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[Assistant] I've only been, I've only been around when it's the left. Right. You know, I've never been a part of it when the right wing were the.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gratifying. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I would not be worried about someone being like, you're a sinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, alright. But if someone's like, hey, you're a racist. You're done. Now it's like, yo, chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure there's some like news reporters recorded the set. Really? Posted it. Like the text. The New York Post or the Times or yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, there was several times where I'd be on the train and somebody would be like looking at their phone like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at me like, oh shit, that's you. That's you. You're the guy who's trending number one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she got, when she got canceled, if you're rich and get canceled, you're like, all right, I'll take a vacation for a month. I'll go to Jamaica.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mine was Epstein. Oh, it was Epstein. And I think I was the thing that covered up Epstein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh really? I think I might have been. You were- I think it was the CIA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I forgot about that. Yes, every night you'd go to sleep like, hopefully it's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Cause you have all these well wishers, like you have like managers and agents and like even SNL was like, hopefully that was it. Hopefully that's the end of it. And then you'd wake up the next day and it'd be like, oh fuck. How many days did it go on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. So like, yeah, it was getting close to like me having to come in and start working. But you haven't heard anything thus far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of them, it was funny, they were all, like the whole time they were the ones that were like, yeah, we're going to be all right. And I was like, no, we're not. Like if they're getting me on this, we're not, we're in trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. There's more. There's more. If they say no to this, we're, we're still...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, yeah, I, yeah. Did they call you? Did they call you in? They did, yeah. No, they just called me on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I still, I still talk to Lauren, like these days. Occasionally. He's like, he's a good...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's just like, my, my hands are tied? I thought, I, I believe this was, I think it was new to him. I think this culture was new to him. Alright. Cause up until this point, he's always been like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna be fine, don't worry about it. Right. You know what I mean? Like, no matter what happened, he'd be like, don't worry, we're gonna be fine. And then I think this was the first time in like, his career that, no, now it's the internet, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was very interesting. There was one part. Are we allowed to use any type of language on this? Any type. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was one part, it was me and, this is a funny story, it was me and Lorne, and we're in an office and we're going over like, if we can just get you to fucking week one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Yeah, probably. Doesn't sound like me. Doesn't sound like something I would say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was like, and I was like, oh fuck, we're done. That has to be it. And he was like, no, it's fine. What were we saying? Like he literally was just like, no, that's, you fucked up. That's fine. We're going to get through it. But I was like, no, that's over. If they have me on record saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, especially, you know, in my particular case, it's like when you're doing a podcast for 500 people in Philadelphia and that's it, you're an open mic'er. Like I wasn't worried about SNL at the time. Well, that's, that's interesting. It's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's one thing I struggle with, cause I agree with you entirely, when it comes to like the, yeaah, cause I, there's a part of me that always wants to be like, uh, I, I don't want to defend myself too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I don't want to be the guy that's outspoken against cancel culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I just want to do comedy. So like I'm, there's, I've definitely been on


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Camera being like, well yea, I mean, look, I get why they fired me. And I do understand why they fired me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, I understand why I was fired. If you want to argue about changing the entire culture,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I agree with that. But I understood, I know the context that I'm in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The left, the left likes to make that. Like the people that do the canceling, they love to be like, there's no such thing as cancel culture. Right. They love to do that. They do. Which really fucking annoys me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's, that's, and then they're like, well, he's doing fine on Patreon and he's doing, it's like, and now you're trying to get my Patreon fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? Yeah, they're always trying to like... It's fucking... Like, can you believe Patreon supports...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, undercover cops trying to bring down like murderers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like, just like yuck. Yea, that feeling going for number three though is a good feeling. Yea. Right when you go for number three, that's a good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want to be that guy, like, you don't want to be the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The bad boy of comedy. It's like you never want to be that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but they also do us a service of making it funnier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I agree. You know what I mean? Like if everybody was cool with everything I was saying, I don't know how funny I'd be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that gets embarrassing. I don't like that. I'm embarrassed by that. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, if only I was a fucking feature player on SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is the first time, like, my family could be like, oh nice. Right. You know what I mean? Because they don't, they don't know what the fuck comedy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, Oh, I got, I got just for laughs. They're like, who gives a fuck? What are you talking about? When are you getting a job?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a bunch of texts that like I didn't even have time to respond to when they were saying congratulations that the next text was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was funny cause like my agent, manager and all that, everybody was like, just go home. Like, be alone. I was like, that's the literally the last thing I want to do is sit here and like, look at my fucking phone. I'm going to go stand up. It's the only, you know, that's the best thing. It's the best way to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not be in this, it's way to publicly make fun of it and like see people actually laughing versus like I was looking at my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hope this guy dies, like all that, which, you know, I w I was, I was literally never affected by like a death threat or anything like that. But like when it's like fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kareem Abdul-Jabbar writing an article that you're a piece of shit. Right. What the fuck is going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That came with me a lot. That happened with me a lot. And it bothers the fuck out of me when there's like people that aren't good at comedy, or suck at comedy, or are just like desperate for attention. Like, I think it's good. It's good what's happening to you. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not good. I don't think you understand how there's, like, if I sucked at comedy, this would destroy my career. Right. If this happened to you, it would ruin your career. Right. You know? Not me, but you. No, no, no, you, you, you, you. You, the person who thinks, obviously not you, shut up. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kareem wrote that article. That one hurt. How early on was that? It was pretty early I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. I think it was like before I got fired. I could be wrong. Yeah. Uh, and then I got off a train in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, as the doors opened, it was just an ad for one of his books. And I was like, oh, that's why he wrote that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Because he's selling a book, so he stuck a knife in me. Like what a fucking disgusting world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was definitely, but I like to keep that to myself. You know, I would hate to go on a podcast and be philosophical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was able to contextualize it pretty quickly, and I was able to be like, there was never a part of me that was like, alright, I'm gonna quit, or like, oh, this is the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was always, I always had a pretty big picture idea of what was going on and I understood the culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or club versus alt comedy battle in Philadelphia a year or two before I left. So I'd seen how this works and how like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People act on the internet, you know, like where people you thought were your friends would be like, yeah, he also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, exposed to, he outed a guy for sucking a trans guy's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't just tweet that, just to bury you while you're, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I will say this, I definitely thought I could, which was funny, cause I was just, I was fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it was like, it really damages you. So like the whole time I was trying to like, it was definitely a self-defense mechanism where I was like, I'm fine. I was fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that, that was all Philly people. That was all, cause I was Philly. Right. So it was all the Philly comedy scene. They were the ones that were really like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Paragraph stories would be like, here's a time he was a bully in the comedy scene. There's adult men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Going around calling other adult men bullies. In fucking comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're 30 and you have a bully, kill yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I remember being like, this fucking pussy just, like, contacted another comedian. Or like, he found a comedian and be like, what's like, what's bombing like? What's the word I should use here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While you're sitting there fucking typing it. Flop Sweat. Flop Sweat. Oh, that's good. I'll include that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to definitely include no crime. There's no crime. Yeah, I would tell you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just Kareem Abdul is going to write an article about you. Right. He's going to trash you on CNN.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's from actually an old Adam Sandler CD, like a music CD where he sang and did like little skits.


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[Assistant] I feel like there's some people who like cheating for them is just like a really bad thing that happens sometimes. You know what I mean? Like it's not within the realm of possibility for a lot of people and for other people it's just like damn, my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like a trainer or something at the gym I used to go to on second street and he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would like stretch the ladies after a workout and part of the stretch, like it was like, he was like climbing on them to like stretch their leg across. There were, he was putting these women in positions where it looked like he was penetrating them every single time. And in the middle of the gym with everyone looking, I was just like, this is, it's crazy that we're all looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. I've always described it as just being 11 years old forever. Right, right. You just have infinite capacity for anything that crosses your mind that you enjoy. You're just like, well, I'm going to completely consume my, like, neural bandwidth with just this thing. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I think every 11 year old does that and then you grow out of it. And I think there's adults out there that are still just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that's my shit. And I do go like, yea Ren, I still talk about how Ren and Tiffy was sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were always colorful. I got punched by a retarded kid in high school and I got in trouble for it and I had to- Did you? Yea, they took me to the special Ed Wing and, uh- As a gauntlet? They were like- Did you hit them on the gauntlet? Yea, it was dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, it was, uh, it was pretty sad. I was like, look, I understand. This is not a great look. I'm sorry. Like, uh, he had a nickname. They called him Billy bear. So if you see him in the hallway, you'd be like Billy bear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like that. And like, I think he like got annoyed by it. I think he really didn't like it. And I did it one time and he uh, like ran after me. And I like ran away from this retard again. He caught me and he like started punching me. Dude, I got in so much trouble. They took me to the special ed wing of the school and I had to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, there was a secret wing of the high school that had kids that were so handicapped that it looked like their heads were like on upside down. It was so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was your response like, look, you got the wrong idea. Was it that or did you just f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chemically women are designed like from the second they're like attracted to any man to seek power. And it's like, Oh, he survived. I mean, juvie that's hell. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, unless, like, there's kids who escape that. Yea, that's true too. No, it's true. It does ruin something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that, was that just like, what'd you say, it was like skinny braids? Yea, like, like. Was that skinny braids energy was putting up with that kind of shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, actually I knew a skinny braids black dude in my high school that was actually like really well liked. But he was exactly that and like very long features everywhere like this super skinny like snoop build and then every day was a fire dragon button down t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like no one was ever upset to see this dude. It was just like, it was like watching a movie, watching this dude. That's a black mystic. You'd sit in class and stare at his shirt and just be like, damn, that is so fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go from, so like to get to that level in boxing, even if he was like never like a great or anyone knew him, you have to like, your life is that to get to that point. It's gotta be impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To maintain that kind of level of athlete, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole time you're like, am I the best? How far can I take this? The day comes that it actually is over and you're just like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you really aren't sure until the day of, you're like, okay, what kind of numbers might go up this week? That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of vertical should I have for someone my age and build?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the problem watching rappers get old. You know, Biggie and Paco, and it's like, uh, you put them on a pedestal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that, that girl, you know, you're, you were known as Swamp Thing in that like crew, that crew of girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there, uh, uh, is this like a revenue thing at some point? Or is it just- I don't know. We'll see. We'll see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if he was doing a study on you? Fuck. Dude he probably was. I observed the behaviors of a black man in America for four years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My guest today could have been a division one college athlete. He could have been a decorated war veteran.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He could have been a star on SNL, but instead he went after the Chinese, and now he's talking with me on YouTube. It's, uh, my good friend Shane Gillis. What's going on, buddy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's going on? So we were just talking, uh, before the show, and it seems, honestly, I don't believe you're in Arizona. I think this was all a tease because I've been trying to get you on the show forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And finally, we're just gonna, cause no one's, so many people are traveling right now that it's an obvious, uh, go-to. You're definitely, you're definitely in Arizona, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stand-up seems like a guy that could either be really fun to be quarantined with or fucking miserable depending on how it goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, he, actually he, uh, I emailed his website to try and get him on when he was in Boston at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I figured I would just get like kind of a generic response from a manager or something. And the reply I got was, uh, something in the effect of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sorry man, but I'm just getting the fuck out of there right after the show. I was like, oh, is this actually Doug Stanhope replying to me? So he seems like a down to earth guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's fucking madness. Actually, I walked off the show today, so I don't know, I may not even have a job. This may never come out, Shane. I fucking stormed off the show, uh, earlier. Why'd you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I don't know, there was a weird, it was a contentious show, it was like a weird mood, uh, Kirk was pissed off about something else, and then later in the show,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want to cross him because he's, he's a lot smarter than me and he's a lot better at just radio than me. So he really knows how to fuck with me. So it's very intimidating. And then today,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got, we got into it today a little bit. Not real. It was very mild. But I said, uh, what do you want me to fucking leave? He goes, yeah, leave. So I, and I didn't know what to do. So I just got up and left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, I actually am blind. I don't know if you know that or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a sad image. And the worst part is, uh, the mailman, like our mailman for our building is a fan of the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's like, hey buddy, check it out, check it out the show right now. I'm like, okay, get the fuck outta here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the weird thing, it's about, it was about nothing really. They...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're, we were talking, I stepped on a joke or something, cause I asked, I asked, we were fucking with Steve, the producer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just asked like a follow up question, but I guess it, I ruined the joke or the flow or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Kirk was like, well, why would you ask that? Don't you see that kind of, I was like, I don't know, we're just having a conversation. It was just a back and forth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was just, I took it, I got very, uh, sensitive. And I said, uh, well, you don't think I contribute, then maybe I should leave. And he goes, you should leave. And then I just left. So it was, we were, we're children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're on the verge of that pretty much every day. It's a tightrope I'm walking and it's been interesting. I think every day there's a point during the show where he thinks, why the fuck is this guy here? I should just fire him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not at all. In fact, uh, I'm not, I'm not even allowed, I'm not even allowed, the company doesn't like me. I'm not even allowed to mention them. No one likes me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's, that's, honestly, yeah, that's basically it. Like, that's, that's more or less it. Maybe, maybe that's proof I haven't learned my lesson. That's pretty much it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think when that, around the time that happened, I think we were in New York. Oh really? Yeah. So I might have worked out there, and then I saw you were coming to Boston.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But obviously all this shit happened, so it just never ended up quite working out. So yea, no, I would have rather done that in person too, but uhm, I was, uh, how were you guys doing with all that shit? Cause obviously Matt's not with you in, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's it been since, I mean, I haven't noticed a tremendous difference, but is there, are there times where you're afraid to do the show the way you were doing it before? Like the way that obviously got you in trouble?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. Give the guy, give the fucking, uh, uh, SNL guy the Roseanne treatment. That's smart of Stan. I know, I know, I know. He's looking out for you out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, I mean, you guys have a much different schedule. I don't know what it's like now with the quarantine and everything, but when I was genuinely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you said yeaah, the later the better, I was kinda hesitant to even say, like, five o'clock, I was like, eh, is that, I don't, I genuinely don't know if that's gonna be alright or not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can see a little. The real handicap that I deal with is that every time I use the word see, like if I say, I saw, I think I tweeted the other day, like I just saw the last episode of Better Call Saul and every fucking asshole replied, did you see it? Did you see it, Mike? And it's like, okay, I got it. I fucking got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently, apparently normal. This eye, this eye, like, is a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm what they call legally blind, so I can't drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whole life, it's gotten worse over the years. Like when I started, uhm, even,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, like I don't know if you saw any videos from like when I was an intern where, uh, I'm at the batting cages and all that type of shit. I see worse now than then. That was probably five years ago maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so yeaah, it's gotten progressively worse, but we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what your actual stance is, but I'm probably like you where I more find it funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People's reaction to him. Like I, I've kinda gotten to the point where I didn't vote for him, uh, but I almost root for him just cause it annoys everyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough though, cause then you do that and you start, even if you're jokingly pointing fingers, then that's when you bring out the Seth Simons of the world who say, oh yeah, well here's what you said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then it's a, it's a, it's a tricky fucking game, but you must be running into a problem now where people think you are, like people look at what you say as genuine and they think you're a Trump guy. And now that's kind, am I right? Is that kind of your audience now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should say, I should say, are you getting a lot of those people, uh, in your honor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, where's, where's your actual, like you're pretty much down the middle. Are you, are you even a political guy? Cause I've never thought of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As now, people try to pin you as like this, even the people that said you're this right wing character, I didn't think they were right, because I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listen to that show, I hear you on Legion of Skanks, I saw, I've seen you, uh, I saw you open for Dan Soder, I've seen you stand up. You don't strike me as a political guy either way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I heard you say something interesting when you were on, uh, Francis' podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Francis Ellis, you said that a lot of people say to you, like, hey listen, it never would have worked out with SNL anyways, you were the wrong guy, and that kind of bothers you a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you want to be a part of that only because it doesn't seem like, I know it's a great opportunity obviously, but it doesn't seem like something I would expect you to go for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a real stand-up and yeaah. And that's, I mean, it's strange. It makes sense if Lorne wanted to do that. If that's the case, I don't know why the show's gone in the direction it has. But, uh, are you resentful at all of him? Because Lorne Michaels is powerful enough that he could have waited out that controversy. It wasn't going to be the end of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to keep hammering the SNL thing because I know you're talking about it many times, but there's just two aspects of it that I'm curious about that I haven't heard you talk about really. Uhm, one is Chris Gethered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I heard him on, uh, I think it was Jim and Sam he went on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you, you were pretty brutal to him in a podcast and believe me, I've done a million podcasts that no one was listening to. And your mindset is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's gonna ever fuckin' listen to this. I can say whatever I want. So you're shitting on a guy who's famous. You're not famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're saying things that you wouldn't say to his face, obviously. That's just kinda how it is. I heard him on Jim and Sam and I was surprised how hurt he was by the things you said. Considering, considering you don't know each other, you're, at the time at least, lower in comedy than he is. I was surprised. Did that hit you at all or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just talking about a special you didn't like. You went, I mean, if you were talking face to face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did, you, I mean, if you guys were talking face to face, yeaah. But if I found a podcast where someone was saying that about me...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I would find that person and be like, hey, why did you say this shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he seems like a nice enough guy. I was surprised. He said something on Jim and Sam where he's like, you know, Shane called me and I was with my kid. So it's like, I have more important things. It's like, you seem upset about it. So I don't know. What is really more important?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but the other guy I wanted to ask you about was Seth Simons. I know that you probably don't want to give him too much credit. He's the guy that exposed you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He wasn't physically ready, right? He was ready to go with a bunch of clips. Anytime you got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But did you, did you listen to the Comedy Cellar podcast he did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm fucking crazy, but my thought was that they were gonna be hammering him for you almost the entire time. Cause that, I don't know about his beef with Manny from, I mean, uh, Gnome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know anything about that. What I knew about was you, and that seems like the more obvious...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On, uh, you know, Opie and Anthony and Tough Crowd and all that shit. So that's my, uh, uh, that's what I know of it. But has it become really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. Well, I mean, yes. Skankfest is the new, uh, the new home of everyone, right? Luz J. Gomez is creating the underground railroad for comics now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're kinda at your lowest with all the SNL stuff and you're reading all these awful headlines, is it, how much worse is it that Luis J Gomez is the guy in the front lines defending you on Twitter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cannot imagine, I can't imagine Luis J Gomez helping any situation involving, especially involving SNL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that, uh, how long did it take? I think you were on, uh, Legion of Skanks or I saw you somewhere in that, in the gas digital world relatively soon after that. How long did it take? Like were you ever hesitant to say, maybe I shouldn't go back and do these shows or was that not never a problem for you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was, uh, did you work with or for Ant at all? Or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you had a new personal life? Anyone judge you like that or not? Like just assume you're a racist or...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was the next thing I wanted to get into with you is how, you know, I don't know how you're doing financially, but there's gotta be a lot of comics now, especially people, they're talking about this lasting to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I don't know what you're gonna do. Like I heard uhm, I don't know if you know if you're friendly with Mike Cannon at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I heard him, he was on a podcast I heard recently and he had a kid over the summer and he said that both him and his wife have jobs where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that are, that are based around live, like I don't know what his wife does, but they're based around live events. I don't know what the fuck they're gonna do. That's gotta be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we're employees too. We're not, you know what I mean? So we're not out on our own. The guys on Patreon, it's gotta be, it's gotta be a struggle. Cause then you even get to the point where it's like, okay, are the donors


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To Patreon, gonna be able to afford this the whole, the entire time, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you make, honestly you're making more than me then, so good for you. I mentioned it when I introduced you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you were, you played for army, or did you ever actually play for army?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just had, you had no interest in doing it. You don't strike me as the guy that would be into that, but whatever, were you back then?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I heard you say that, uh, the places that scouted you were like Army and Temple and then all the Ivy League schools. So were you a great student?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking, that's strange the route your life could have taken. Like if you were a West Point football player.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine that Shane Gillis compared to the guy that was reading fucking CNN in September.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I appreciate, honestly I appreciate you doing this, I don't want to keep you, uh, too long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If there's any show you can be fucked up for, it's this one. No, no one Shane, no one. I guarantee you, no one will find anything you said on this podcast and ever use it against you. That I can guarantee you. You're finally in a safe place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Patreon. Subscribe if you can because it's very funny. It's well worth the price of admission. Anything else you're doing right now or is that pretty much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, brother. Man Shane's Secret Podcast. You go check it out. Shane Gillis, thank you very much. And, uh, we'll talk to you next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's never been an excuse to die. I am ashamed of myself and I hate, but you didn't do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People who only last the shortest possible amount of time in great situations, they usually end up doing cool shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just sayin'. You hear stories about guys who worked for Goldman Sachs for one day and then they became fuckin' bajillion or whatever. But you hear, I just, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this, when people, I, I imagine, and I remember seeing this, I remember a barrage of people kind of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying to fucking gang up on you, on the internet and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is the most important one you can argue. And also like all of that stuff, if it hasn't already, is going to obviously become readily available immediately to some degree, right? Have you found that it's been difficult at this point still?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally. I mean that obviously makes sense. It's like they are in a minority, these are groups of people who are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love saying bad shit all the time, which is much different than a couple of guys accidentally, whatever, stirring up some drama, and them being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, even the opening scenes, remember the one before was obviously so amazing, and then that, just that first plane scene, you're like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good shit, I'm gonna be a South by Southwest too, hoping it doesn't get cancelled. You think it's gonna get cancelled?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, I'm at Cap City on Thursday, uhm, and then I have a show Saturday night with Ricky Valazs, I don't know, I forget where it is, but it's gonna be good. And then also, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Netflix thing, festival in, uh, LA in April, two years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even the, even the Kardashians, they're not really like, white white, but they're just so big that they're just the Kardashians. When you become the greatest at your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so long, I walked from the cameras to backstage to check, is everything okay here? Like I thought something went off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just want to say thank you to everyone who has been booking time and consult with me at WTFMediaStudios.com. Really appreciate it. Keep doing your thing. WTFMediaStudios.com and now let's get back to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got the better version of them, but. How are they better? Those are decent. Like the color way I have them. This is the only colors they had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, your honor, last week, me and Matt here were on our way to a sick ass party. What's up, your honor? What's up? It was at Shannon O'Malley's house. She throws some of the sickest parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're pretty sick. Shut up, dude. I was bringing some sick ass twisted T's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get to the party, we're both crushing it, so I want to do a backflip off the balcony, into Shannon's pool, Your Honor, and I know I need six Twisteds in my system to get it. I need a Twisted system. Very smart. And then I look out, and I see Matt stealing some of my Twisteds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm down to five T's. You were not lit enough to do it. I was lit enough to do the trick. I wasn't lit enough to land it. Did you do the flip or no? I go up, crowd's ready, so I went for it and I ended up smashing a dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely no doubt in my mind, Your Honor. Alright, bring him out. You just made a big mistake, Your Honor. May I approach with a tease?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi, my name's Holly and I run Happy Hands Day Care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The coronavirus shut down our daycare center. People just didn't feel safe sending their kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were about to close our doors. Then we had an idea. We realized that there's probably so many people stuck inside with family members that they just can't stand. So we decided to reopen as a daycare center. For uncles. Hey! Uncle Hank! Good to have you today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we offer a solution. We give uncles a place to go during the day. Each day starts with a morning meeting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We give all the uncles a scratch-off ticket with their schedules on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, but are any of them underage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We read the uncles some books to help debunk some of their conspiracy theories. But I don't trust the vaccines cried the rabbit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but you should, rabbit. They're safe, exclaimed Farmer Jim. If you don't take the vaccine, you won't be able to play with your rabbit friends anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well remember Uncle Tim, that's a conspiracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have lady uncles too. With our lady uncles, we give them a pack of cigarettes, a robe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what country? At Uncle Daycare, we provide snacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, people always ask me, what's harder, uncles or kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, alright, this one's really, thank you. So uhm, this is high school girlfriend. I kinda got caught cheating and not kinda, I definitely did. And we went on a college tour trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's uh, what's going on with your mattress? What's wrong? Don't fuck stuff with your mattress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was asked to speak at this hotel, it turns out there's some type of pussy banquet going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Social media. They had to take it away. I was too good. In fact, go ahead, put it back up. Put it back up. People say, I've got bad makeup. Tana looks like someone painted her face like a clown. That's what we're gonna call her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tana it the clown. She looks like him. She looks like she should be in a sewer. Bothering children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old Sage, what a loser. What a loser she was. Somebody needs to tell her that her pussy stinks. When you walked in, I could practically smell you. Your vagina stinks. Smell up the whole room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any interest? You're gay. Hey, blame the dairy industry. I would never suck a guy's dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw you come in, I said, that's the one. The bell of the ball. You're the prettiest one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the ugliest. Do me a favor, could you take your gigantic perfect tits and leave?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Siobhan, how would you like to go on a date with Donald Trump?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait a minute, I run the defense. Now this does mean we are gonna have some black players. We're gonna start the white players in the first half, get out a big lead, a commanding lead on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man. Cause people respect you. I don't know if it's that or what, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do your parents look like? Are they decent looking or are they like you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A nice relationship. I actually saw him confront one of the kids one of the days. Yea dude. You yelled at a kid? No, he didn't yell at him, he confronted him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Speaking of the Challenger, you know what was great? They actually had footage. This sounds like something that would be on LiveLeague. Uh, Kristen McCall of students were watching the Challenger go up and they, all the kids were cheering as it was going up and then when it exploded, like everybody just put down like their streamers and their fucking noisemakers and just went back to class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had one that was tran- he was said that he was transferred from a parish in Long Island, and when he came to introduce himself,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gave a great pedophile lie. He saw that a bunch of us were playing hockey in the recess yard. So he said he was personal friends with Al Arbor, the coach of the New York Islanders. Which back in like mid eighties, like nobody could fact check anything, which is like a vague enough lies to where kids be like, holy shit, this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he can get us in the games. And we would play basketball in the gym, unsupervised. You would pay $30 for membership for the year and you could play unsupervised basketball and this guy would be the only adult there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my only day with him there, he picked me up at half court and he growled in my ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From the front? From the back? No, he grabbed me, he let me pass him a little bit, and then he scooped me up from behind so that his arms, he was like hugging my chest, and he just had his- That's Father Nelson, dude. Father Nelson? Father Nelson will get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, growling in your ear. And then the best part was, like, he was gone the next year, Shane, and then about 10 years later, he became a lay teacher. He was voted, like, Teacher of the Year in Lumberton County, New Jersey, and then the FBI busted him for having child porn on his computer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what used to be great too? Before you knew to jerk off, would you ever do this? Like press your, your dick and balls against something and you feel that little pump like something was doing down there and you didn't piss your pants a little bit, but it's like, yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Epididymitis was like a fingering Greek god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look at the difference between you two. You just look like a no-frills comer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God knows what you taught those kids in those days following that conversation, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I got knocked out playing football in the parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, we were playing two hand touching their cars in the lot and I caught a ball and the guy that the two hand touched me from behind pushed me into a car and I hit my head and I almost got my ear off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You almost cut your ear off? Yeah, I was like hanging off, and like when I came to, uh, one of my friends Mikey was like, Dude, your fucking ear's hanging off. And I just started like hyperventilating crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know how long I was at for, but like when I came to, I was like trying to get my breath, and then this little derp, I was like, dude, your ear's hanging off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long does it take to get that ear? This was like uh, maybe six months in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not, it's not, it's not like a, it's not like a uh, mark that people shoot for, but it's just when people either headlock you or triangle choke you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody ever does and it's just like you would never see in a UFC. It's called Go Go Plata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fine, I don't care. I mean, I'm not too far off from looking like Shane, so I really don't give a fuck about my looks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up, Mike? No, it's not Mike. It's not Mike. I got exclusive information on Mike. I seen him at that steakhouse he was talking about and he was blowing off in bombs all over the place. Was he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've seen you on the show now, and I checkin' out sending each other clips of, uh, Billy Cor and fuckin'...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, pretty high. Is that not holy? Fuck yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the last time you were in Boston, like I was, me and some of my friends were definitely gonna go. That's why we don't take calls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Javon looks like she crawled out of a bog. I'll be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you had the best advice about both of you getting a dog together and working on the pace of a committed relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they started talking about kidnapping and killing the fucking dog. It's the best advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not pitying you, because I care about you, I feel for what's going on, but don't, I don't, uhm, uhm, don't force the fucking healing. Don't force it. Feel what you, you know, know when you can, cry when you have to, feel you must, that's a part of the plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I just finished up my walks. I wanted to run and be here. I knew I was going to be late because I had a dog walk. I listened to him. The first thing I hear is that I'm fucking his girlfriend on my friggin' phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is way too big for him. My sister got married like two years ago and uh, all of the dudes got like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's that place? Indochino? Is that, there's like a suit place and that's like cheap but still like tailored suits. Yeah. And everyone got like very nice suits and my dad like kept having to like tell the guy like no I want it wider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is full UV cover. Hey, throw me my clips on the edge of the table. This is on the corner over on your right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why Eskimos wear those thin slit glasses. Kanye glasses?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like all these like weird like waffle makers that you own with like shapes and characters on the inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, this is, dude, this is a big part of Final Fantasy 7. You have to live out that fantasy. You're the dude fighting your way to the top of the fucking tower. Holding the CEO over the edge of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, they got like steampunk around like the sixth one. Like there was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Steamed like robot suits and shit. That was kind of cool. And then after that, that was the last like old timey like super Nintendo shit. The next one was on PlayStation. It was 3D and it was like in like a weird future. It was like a weird future where everything was like super technologically advanced, but it was actually using like the power source was like the life force of the earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were draining the life force of the earth and it was in danger and you had to like, you joined like a terrorist group and start like working your way up to taking down like, uh, like the conglomerate that, that runs everything. That sounds very fun. You said you actually go to the fucking HQ and you fight your way up the skyscraper to the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, the cutscenes and shit. Get the fuck out of here. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Eastern religion, uh, like anime storytelling, but you play, you play a dude who's like a demigod of like seven demigods and they betray you because I think they, I don't know. Oh, you have a daughter that's like the most powerful. That's like, she was to be born to be like the ultimate God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're surrounded by like karmic columns almost. He has to like climb back from hell to this thing. Anyway, all the gods are powered by people praying. Like they're competing for prayers to get more power and you have to like fight your way back from hell, back up to like what you think is heaven, which is just like a space station.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think, I think there is like a minor thing, like the, uh, trying to like, yeaah, sabotage their image in front of them. But anyway, you, you- Who's their supreme deity? I for, I fucking for, it's like Hinduism or Ram? Something like that. Anyway, whatever it is- Pramacharya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh god damn it. I'll never remember what it is. Anyway, the game ends with like, you, you are on a like weird God powered like technological rocket launched into heaven where you have to fist fight God. And it's like, wow, that was pretty much the best way a story could pay off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, punching God's face and like this celestial armor crumbling away and then it reveals a new form and then it starts to fuck you up. And then you, again, you crack God in the face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck? Yeah, I mean, it's so fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was just, I was just playing, and that was from like, uh, 2010 or so, like that. But like, dude, now every game is just like, dude, they made a game where you're a cat. I heard about that. You heard about that game? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then now people were, uh, the, the week it came out, people were like, this game is actually racist because it uses like the setting of like a walled city, like an Asian walled city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so the cat is walking around in like a futuristic Asian walled city where there's no people, it's all robots, but they're dressed in like straw hats and shit like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the robot Chinese people are friendly to the cat. I don't know, I haven't fucking played it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fun. That is every father's worst fear. That's just your worst fear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying out not chewing my food, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the diarrhea you have in your youth, we don't need to get into that. We're talking about diarrhea here now though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? I don't know that you even notice. I don't even remember shitting five years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, it's, you don't, no one feels like they're doing great poop wise. Yeah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you think that, that, that was probably something that made more sense the further back you go. Like people ate like regionally with, with whatever. I don't know. Maybe the quality of food wasn't as good, but like back then, yeah, before like mass produced and like transportable food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, don't we have like the lowest return on like nutrition in the soil or something like that? Like, it's possible. Yeah. So anyway, uh, why, wait, how did we get here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you don't chew your food. I've been noticing that I've been like in such a rush to eat for a while now that sometimes when I swallow my food, I can feel it's still being like connected to other parts of food and just being dragged down my fucking gullet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By, by doing that, am I make, am I forcing my body to work harder to digest it or definitely, or is there not as much time to like pull shit out of it, you know, out of the food before it passes through? Like your body just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, I thought that I had read that like your body can't absorb something past a certain amount of like almost anything. So it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you, once you max out on whatever, like. Dude, I'm telling you. I actually know there's probably something that you could eat too much of and it would make you really ill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was actually picking up my, my car was getting towed in Southwest Philly and I had to drive past the, uh, where the dump trucks or the garbage trucks go and like unload and the recycling trucks are like just backing into it and seeing that whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I'd be a fool to play along and rinse out my recycle bowls. Yeah, I- It's crazy that I'm even separating them. I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys' boogers been really, really uncomfortable lately? Or increasingly as you get older?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I'm talking about like just consistent like discomfort until like, I'm like, it's like a four attempt moth wing comes out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I might have a neurogenesis zone in my sinuses. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm thinking about the feeling of when like there's like a very deep, deep and viscous problem and you blow your nose and it comes out, but it's still attached and you have to pull the rest out. And it like, if it feels like something's being pulled from like right next to your eyeball all the way out, how,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was weird was in the beginning when you were getting tested, it would be like, you'd be, be like, okay dude, buying dinner first. Yeah. But then by the end they were just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, you're good. Go through, pull through. They started just looking at you like, yeaah. Fine, fucking cares. Yeaah. Yeaah, fuck them. They were lying about everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went way too far into being nice to people. Now it's like we're, we're, we're more like capitulant than like a, like a Japanese person bowing to someone. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think a good number of people, I don't know if it was on purpose, but they tried to like replace like belief systems with like a shared vision of objective truth. Like everyone was just like, oh, okay, we have the internet. Now I'm going to see things exactly what, how they are. And I think like the, the worldwide, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so you don't really have any kind of conception of what the event will be. You just think of the outcome. You know what the outcome is going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Energy, food, maybe. It's gonna be some unifying bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For it to happen that fast, 50 years, I think, right? But I also don't know anything. I've come to realize very recently, I have no fucking idea what's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, it was the name of the guy that I killed in that, in that game. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, well yeaah, what you're describing was a very cool, uh, concept to me, but then, uh. You have to view the universe just as a way. Anyone that's like, here's how we do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and like, yeah, you're so, you're so disconnected from any of the actions being taken. It's almost just like sending emails. Like you're, you're just like, oh yeah, let me just change a spreadsheet and now a guy's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it is probably one of those things where it's like with, uh, with crime, where they, I think I've heard it said that like you don't, it's not desirable to have a society with zero crime because it's like it plays a part in like the greater picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if we just stepped down like war from the complete brutality of total war, now we're doing like drone strikes on select military, like holographic all the way back to like the sports bowling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're saying we hit the clearing, we hit the first clearing and it was like, okay. Yeah. Off to the races. Yeah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was like, uh, Bruce Willis was a cab driver and it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they hovered and drove around and like, you know, they bounced into each other. And they just looked so fun to drive. And there was like a chase where they were like dropping levels and there was different like altitudes of like traffic lanes driving between the skyscrapers and shit. So they weren't the best ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there was anything under them. I think it was just like you pulled out of your garage on the 90 millionth floor of a building and you were just backing out floating into traffic. You know what I'm talking about? Yea, that's fucking sick. They were the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get digged up all over the place and it doesn't matter. I'm not putting it on the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they're always super fat too. I think they were fat in fifth element. Probably. I think one guy actually spills McDonald's on himself during the car chase. Am I, am I wrong Danny?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You probably know this off the top of your head. Yeah. I think the fifth element, I think the fifth element in like the floating car chase, they're in like a McDonald's floating drive-through and I think they spill themselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I made it that far. I think I got to Chris Tucker fucking the flight attendant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was on, Chris Tucker was on it, but I think I'd read that it was a different Chris Tucker. I'd like to believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a free audio episode up now on the, on the Patreon. Uh, and it's when we actually get to sit and fucking listen to music and smoke weed before we, before we start. And we wanted to have something to lead in work because YouTube is age restricting us when we actually smoke weed here. So yeah, I guess we're not allowed to have fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's the, the producer filling in. That's the big cat. That's fucking big dog. That's a closer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a Yankees fucking closer. He's got five pitches in his fucking, in his handle, and they're all coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See in the smoke box, he's all hot and bothered. Wow. I mean, you never know. You never fucking know. And here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Delco Fair One. Welcome to Delco Fair One. I'm Tommy Pope with my ace boom coon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a thing. It's an old term that they used to use.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh, fuck. Welcome to A Fair One, with Shane Gus and Tommy Popp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was here last week, she fell asleep real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That wasn't even a nap. You, you went night night, real quick. 15 minutes in. But what'd you do today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if anybody wants to sit in on the show, uh, that's a lesson learned. You bring, you bring booze. You bring alcohol for us. Let's talk about Shane's shirt. Let's talk about my shirt? Yeah, it's a new shirt and I, and I, I'm actually gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk good about it. Champion dude. Yeaah. This is a classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is dead serious comment. You look great. Cause it's uh, it's, it's part forward fashion, but it's also classic and that's what's in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's cyclical, every 10 to 15 years my father looks fucking dynamo-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go home for Christmas, my pops gonna have a champion shirt that's ill fitting, old Levi's, rolled up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's gonna look great. And he's not gonna know why. And if I compliment him, he'll be pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when you're really good and it's unsolicited, the crowd still wants to back that dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did the, uh, the last time I took Adderall I did the same exact thing on, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Raven, this is years ago and you'll never do it again because you realize that your, your mouth and your mind aren't operating on the same level. So it's like watching a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On a shitty television where the mouth moves, like you see Arnold Schwarzenegger in fucking Terminator and it's just a, just a second off. You hear the voice, you're like, oh, ah, this TV sucks. And then you just do that for how long did you do it? An hour?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can hide an ounce of coke, whereas you'd have to crush up 60 fuckin' out rolls. That's a man purse on one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One Italian out of all of them and it's such a strong fucking seed that I look like a normal person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, 100, uh, 75%. You're Irish? Yeah, doc. My mother's 100%. She looks freckled, and she's allergic to the sun like you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa daddy! Welcome to a fair one with Tommy Pope and Shane Gillis and we gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. And that's why he likes the wallet. He's a big wallet fan. That's okay. Matt, you deserve the wallet. You, you are a wallet... region.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kentucky's a wallet region. You know they say it's a fly... Everyone's a wallet region. Hold on, hold on. You know they say it's a flyer state? There's a, there's a wallet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stay. And you're in it. You're fucking right, dude. And you stick firm. And I'll stick firm on mine. And we're different. And that's fine. But when I see you in my state, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna hug you. Because you're a good guy, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting fired up. Very unpredictable. That's what we do. And this is a perfect time to introduce our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, get the, get the, get the one in the, uh, freezer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were gonna get along. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Yeaah. Yeaah, it really sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, years ago, like four, I think like four years ago and then, uh, went back and forth for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you, you dabble in the front yard and then you jump back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I had, uh, I got burnt in my past. That's the, that's the low key street term for, for getting an STD. I got burnt a few times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, the same, every, any, not bad. How long did it last, like a week? No, uh, it's, here's what would happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have sex with somebody and a mistake would happen and I'd get worried. And either I'd forget about it and be like, ah, nothing's wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I would start feeling pain. When you say mistake, what do you mean? Like a condom break. Okay. Fucking without a... Sure, sure, sure. Without a condom banging a sex worker. All the mistakes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, only one time was it, was it confirmed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. The other times I was so paranoid and I had sex with shifty characters. Me being shifty as well. You fucked shifty characters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I figured out that there's a, there's a, there's a shortcut to this whole process. And the process is- It's women? You go to a free clinic. It's women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I slept with somebody- I made a mistake. I made a mistake. And they'll bring you a pill. And they're like, alright, well there's nothing we can do for you, take this, everything's gonna be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't- I feel like we got the audio and not the visual, which is fine. That's gay as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think, I think I attacked more on the, on the thickness of it. It's a girth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, that's a true fan. Fuck yea dude, probably some man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, let's, that's semantics. Hold on a second. I didn't, I didn't come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He put me on my side, he lubed up his finger, and he, he, he went in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Normally, I don't know this because apparently,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Truth, truth, uh, I've had girls that were like, can I finger your prostate? Apparently it's amazing. I'm like, fuck no. In this case, it was infected because I was, uh, infected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he grabbed the swab and he took a swab of the ejection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what the fuck, he, he, he, he, he grabbed my, my bird and he swept it and then put it in something and disappeared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I had a, I had a, not a woman doctor, but the doctor's assistant was in the room when I had to get naked. And I, the whole time, I'm looking at the doctor speaking to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As if the same distance. And he's telling me exactly what's gonna happen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and I keep going like this to her because I'm 23 and I'm like, I'm in her.


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[Assistant] First of all, it's a badge of honor. Like a fucking, like a troop.


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[Assistant] I'll take that shit, Roar. I fucking took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna ask you a question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Football season is another way and last weekend was a great opportunity to make some dough. Shane, pee pee. That's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you double your money, well, our friends at Bet DSI are making that possible this football season when you register with the promo code PROPER100. And to get started with some extra bang for your buck, Bet DSI offers


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To double your money up to $2,500 free. That's right. Doubling your money when you use the promo code PROPER100. Bet DSI has odds on everything you could ever want. NFL, NCAA, football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even politics, celebrities, uh, reality shows, if it's happening. Celebrity death pools. Death pools. Bet DSI will put a line on it. Bet DSI has been online for 20 years and has built an impeccable reputation for great service, fast payment, combined with an excellent mobile interface so you can play, win, and get paid anytime, anywhere. Pretty good, right? Well, I'm not done, Abby. I was hoping you weren't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're ready to win. Join betdsi.com using promo code PROPER100 and you already won by doubling your bankroll straight away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, that's promo code. I know, right? Proper 100. Get in the action and get paid. Don't stand on the sidelines. Being able to win it. Enjoy that much. The game's that much more. Guys, bet DSI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, here and there might be better. I'll bet, I'll throw a few bucks on, on, on Bethesda. You play cards? I used to do, uh, Texas Hold'em for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like there was like a Texas Hold'em... Kick!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I realized that the, the true card dealers hate it when you like just be a, like a guy or girl like us, like just coming in, here's 20 bucks, let's play Texas Hold'em, someone that knows what they're doing, you would do something outlandish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there was just after, I think it was like, uh, episode two or three that we spoke about the cool priest that was like the volleyball guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so there was, there was a priest in my eighth grade that got caught and then got pushed out of the seminary and he was like a sous chef.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say there's a, there's a gene that's, they say it's innate, that like you, you, the same way a boy at a young age is gonna like other boys. They say you're gay or a young girl is gonna like other girls. They say there's a, there's a wiring where someone


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what happens is they become predators and for reasons they jump into these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All of these stories coming out where these, uh, these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether it's a cop or a, or a parishioner, a priest, a guy who runs the Boy Scouts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A coach. They don't wanna be a priest. They don't wanna be. They go, oh shit, I have this feeling in me.


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[Assistant] That is burning and I have to figure out where is this fucking- there's snakes. There's snakes. There's snakes in the grass too.


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[Assistant] Couch girl, yo, shout out Frank, dude. That's my boy, Frank. That's who wrote me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, how do you feel about Mike from Manhattan calling you a fuckin' bitch last week? He's a mangy cocksucker, dude. First, Matt, what is his name? Matt? Mike. Mike from Manhattan. Fuckin' Mongoloid Mike, dude. Yo, Mike the retard, call in, I'll give you a fuckin' beatin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I would love to hear your fucking any idea on anything you have to say. Cause you are the fucking worst. You have literally people that love this show that call in after you and say, man, that guy sucks. That's how bad you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fucking kid who's got a voice like an angel and he's a millionaire. You're a fucking douchebag. You stink. Call in and let's get it going. That's the only reason I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck it, I will light this douchebag up. Wow. Let's talk to Tom and then we're gonna bring our guest out. Tom's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love when you do we terminology. You know me. I know, it's great. I'm a big stoner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we cut out the intro, yeaah, there's like a two minute intro of him yelling at some, uh, pregnant woman. This other guy in a full brim hat comes up and very smoothly flashes a gun at this old guy, but it doesn't, it doesn't shake him. He stays in the mix and he goes all in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, you had a good story about, uh, Phil and talking about BBG. What, bring that up yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we talk about the end of the trailer, which I did think was sick, cause you, all that intenseness, but you ended it with you in the kneeling, and you're like, dude, we're gonna get you in the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy was just at it, so that'll be good. We also have a secret guest, a secret performer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just me. I'm the only one here. And uh, I picked a bad fucking week to try not to drink. I could use a little booze on this one. You know what I'm saying? Try to plow through this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got you, bro, if you need it. Nah, I shouldn't. You're a strong man. You're strong. I'm a fat, weak pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I'm gonna fight through it. And, uh, I don't know, just going through a shitty day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? I just got in a fight with my fucking girlfriend over the just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds normal though, you usually get into fights. Yea, I know, we fight a lot, but this one's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything was going great. We're out, we're out to breakfast this morning in Philly. And then, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She brought up this thing that she liked, which was this lady whose...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Entire waste, like her trash for the year, could fit, she's some chick in Brooklyn who could fit all of her waste into one fucking mason jar. And all I said was, that's fucking crazy. And then she was like, you don't like anything I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then I was like, what about like brushing her teeth? And she was like, she makes her own toothpaste. I was like, what about like shampoo and stuff? Those bottles are big. She was like, they come in bars. And then, uh, then I said, that's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure. That's definitely the behavior of a crazy person. She brings a fucking... This lady brings like a bag everywhere she goes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like her own bag, so she never gets a bag. And then...