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[Assistant] Zhu Ge Liang immediately summoned the Generals Guan Xing and Zhang Bao and told them


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[Assistant] Take 3000 crack troops each and take the back roads along Mount Wugong.


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[Assistant] If you encounter enemy troops, do not engage in a full battle. Just make a lot of ruckus and act as a decoy. The enemy will fall back. Do not give chase. Once the last of our army has retreated, head to Yangping Pass.


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[Assistant] He then sent the general Zhang Yi to go put the passage known as Saber Pass in order for the army's retreat. The Saber Pass, by the way, was a mountain road that connected Hanzhong with the Shu capital of Chengdu.


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[Assistant] It was a treacherous passage, literally carved out of the cliffside, and it's notoriously difficult to traverse. In fact, the famous Tang dynasty poet Li Bai once said centuries later,


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[Assistant] The path into Shu is hard because it's hard to climb into the sky.


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[Assistant] I am including with this episode a link to a webpage that has some pictures of different parts of this passage so you can get an idea of how ridiculous the terrain is and why it needed to be properly prepared before an army could traverse it.


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[Assistant] And keep in mind that the pictures you're seeing show the passage after centuries of subsequent development. You can just imagine how much more dangerous and difficult this passage was in Zhu Ge Liang's time.


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[Assistant] Zhu Ge Liang now sent out a secret order for the army to discreetly pack up and prepare to head out.


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[Assistant] He ordered the generals Ma Dai and Jiang Wei to bring up the rear, telling them to hide their men in the gorge and wait for the rest of the army to depart before moving out.


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[Assistant] He also dispatched trusted men to go to the three counties that he had captured earlier on the campaign to tell the officials, soldiers, and civilians in those counties to relocate into Hanzhong.


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[Assistant] Now, part of this was no doubt concern for their safety, since the Wei forces might not look too kindly on the people of counties that surrender to the enemy.


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[Assistant] But I think part of it too was to leave the Wei forces with nothing but an empty city, which they would then have to repopulate if they wanted to be a useful place for garrisoning troops.


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[Assistant] And last but not least, Zhu Ge Liang also sent someone to go fetch Jiang Wei's mother and move her into Han Zhong as well, since he, remember, was a defector from Wei.


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[Assistant] Once everybody had dashed off to carry out their assignments, Zhuge Liang personally led 5,000 men and raced to the tiny town of Xicheng to move the army's grains, since that was definitely something that he did not want to leave for the enemy. But while they were working,


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[Assistant] A dozen or so scouts arrived, one after another, with the urgent news that Sima Yi and an army of 150,000 were swarming this way.


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[Assistant] Now at that moment, Zhuge Liang did not have any generals with him because he had dispatched all of them to oversee various parts of the retreat.


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[Assistant] All he had with him were a bunch of civil officials. And as for the 5,000 men that he brought, half of them had already set off with the grains, so he only had 2,500 soldiers with him in this tiny hamlet.


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[Assistant] Given these circumstances, it's understandable why, when they heard the news, the accompanying officials all turned pale.


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[Assistant] Tell the men that if anyone dares to make any noise or move rashly, they will be executed.


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[Assistant] Open all four gates wide. At each gate have 20 soldiers dress up as civilians and sweep the streets. When the enemy arrives, do not make any rash moves. I have a plan.


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[Assistant] Okay, care to let us in on what kind of plan this is? I mean, we're leaving the gates wide open for an enemy that's ready to storm the city.


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[Assistant] Zhu Ge Liang now donned his crane patterned Taoist robe and his headband, and he sat down by one of the command towers atop the wall, with only two young boys around him and a stick of burning incense in front of him.


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[Assistant] There, armed only with his zither, that string instrument that he was so fond of, Zhuge Liang waited.


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[Assistant] Soon, advanced scouts from Sima Yi's army approached the town. When they saw the unexpected welcome that Zhuge Liang had laid out for them, they did not dare to enter the town.


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[Assistant] Instead, they rushed back to inform Si Ma Yi, who simply smiled out of disbelief.


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[Assistant] He ordered his army to halt while he rode forward to take a look from a distance, just in case Zhuge Liang had a surprise waiting for him.


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[Assistant] Glancing at the top of the city walls, Sima Yi saw that Zhuge Liang was indeed sitting up there, with a wide smile on his face, plucking his zither while incense smoke swirled around him.


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[Assistant] To his left stood one young lad holding his sword. To his right stood another young lad holding the yak's tail, the symbol of his authority.


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[Assistant] This site aroused Sima Yi's suspicion and, momentarily, he turned back and gave his army this order.


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[Assistant] Turn around and fall back along the mountain path to the north. Wait, what?


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[Assistant] But, we are right here, 150,000 men, outside a tiny little hamlet that probably couldn't even hold half this many people. There's no sign of any enemy troops, and the gates aren't even closed, and we're falling back because, what, Zhuge Liang is up there playing his zither?


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[Assistant] No, Zhuge Liang has always been cautious and does not take chances, Sima Yi said. If he has left the gates wide open, he must have an ambush. If we advance, we will be walking right into a trap. What do you know? Retreat at once!


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, from his perch atop the city wall, as Zhuge Liang watched the two Wei armies disappear into the distance, he clapped his hands and laughed while his officials looked on with astonishment.


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[Assistant] Si Ma Yi is a top general, they said to Zhu Ge Liang. But why did he leave so quickly when he saw Your Excellency?


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[Assistant] When he saw this, he suspected an ambush and left.


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[Assistant] I didn't want to take this gamble, but I had no choice.


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[Assistant] He has headed off into the mountain roads in the north, where I have already dispatched Guan Xing and Zhang Bao to lie in wait.


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[Assistant] Not even the gods can divine your excellency's strategies, the stunned official said.


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[Assistant] If it were up to us, we would have abandoned the town and fled.


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[Assistant] I only have 2,500 soldiers, Zhuge Liang told him. If we abandon the town and run,


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[Assistant] We would have fallen into Si Ma Yi's hands before we could get very far.


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[Assistant] He then clapped his hands and laughed again, saying,


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[Assistant] If I were Sima Yi, I would not have retreated.


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[Assistant] He then immediately sent out word for civilians of the town to accompany the army back to Hanzhong, since Sima Yi would no doubt return later.


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[Assistant] So now, Zhuge Liang abandoned the town and headed toward his safe haven in Hanzhong, followed by officials and civilians from the three counties that he had captured.


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[Assistant] And for the daring bluff that repelled Si Ma Yi at the gates of an empty city, Zhu Ge Liang got kudos from a later poet.


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[Assistant] A dither three spans long subdued a fierce host when Zhuge Liang dismissed his foe at Xicheng Town. 150,000 turned themselves around, and townsmen still point at the spot and wonder how.


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[Assistant] As for Si Ma Yi, he and his troops were retreating along the back roads on Wugong Mountain, when suddenly, they heard the earth-shattering sound of war cries and drums from behind the hill.


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[Assistant] Just then, they saw an army approach along the main road led by the Shu General Zhang Bao. Thinking that this was the ambush they were trying to evade, the Wei soldiers had no wish to stick around as they all made a run for it.


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[Assistant] Before long, more cries and drums rang out as another army appeared, led by the General Guan Xing.


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[Assistant] The sounds of war echoed across the valley, making it impossible to determine how big an enemy force was lying in wait.


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[Assistant] And the wave forces were already spooked anyway, so they now abandoned their baggage train and fled.


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[Assistant] Guan Xing and Zhang Bao followed their orders and did not give chase, contenting themselves with collecting the abandoned equipment and provisions and falling back.


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[Assistant] As for Sima Yi, the sudden appearance of enemy troops inside the valley spooked him even more, so now he did not even dare to head to the main road, and instead just went back to Jie Ting.


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[Assistant] Now, Sima Yi's forces were not the only Wei army trying to take a bite out of the Shu forces on the retreat.


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[Assistant] The Wei Supreme Commander Cao Zhen was also leading his own troops in pursuit.


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[Assistant] But his chase was cut short when he was rudely interrupted by the sound of an explosive from behind a hill, which was followed by a swarm of Shu soldiers sweeping across the hillside, led by the Generals Jiang Wei and Ma Dai.


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[Assistant] Remember, Zhu Ge Liang had left those two guys to bring up the rear and lie in wait inside Xie Gorge for an enemy pursuit.


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[Assistant] By the time Cao Jin could order a retreat, his vanguard officer had already been cut down by Ma Dai. Cao Jin and his soldiers scurried away like rats, while Jiang Wei and Ma Dai rushed back to Han Zhong.


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[Assistant] Now, Zhuge Liang had left another army in Ji Gorge, led by Zhao Yun and Deng Zhi.


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[Assistant] When they received word that Zhuge Liang had ordered a retreat, Zhao Yun said to Deng Zhi,


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[Assistant] When the enemy hears that we are retreating, they will no doubt give chase. I will lead an army and lie in wait behind them, while you lead a slow retreat under my banner. I will protect you every step of the way.


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[Assistant] Sure enough, the Wei forces were talking about exactly that. As Guo Huai was on his way back to claim the gorge, he told his vanguard general,


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[Assistant] The Shu General Zhao Yun is unrivaled in his valor. You must be careful. If his army falls back, there must be deception afoot.


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[Assistant] So the vanguard general led his 3,000 men and sprinted into the gorge. Just as they were closing in on the retreating Shu forces, they suddenly spotted a red banner flashing out from behind the hill.


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[Assistant] Sporting giant characters that said Zhao Yun.


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[Assistant] The wave forces immediately fell back as instructed.


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[Assistant] But they had not gone far when they were surprised with the loud cries of battle as an enemy battalion dashed out, led by a general who galloped forth with spear in hand, shouting, Do you recognize Zhao Yun?


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[Assistant] The Vanguard general was stunned and still trying to figure out how Zhao Yun had gotten from there to here so quickly when Zhao Yun saved him the trouble by killing him with one thrust of the spear.


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[Assistant] Zhao Yun then scattered the rest of the enemy and calmly proceeded with his own retreat.


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[Assistant] Soon, another Wei force approached from behind in hot pursuit. Seeing this, Zhao Yun said, bring it. And he held up his horse, gripped his spear, and stood in the middle of the road, waiting for the enemy to engage.


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[Assistant] But the officer leading this army was smarter than his predecessor.


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[Assistant] He recognized Zhao Yun and he did not dare to advance. Zhao Yun held his ground until dusk, by which point the Shu army had gone about 10 miles ahead.


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[Assistant] Only then did Zhao Yun turn his horse around and resume his casual retreat.


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[Assistant] Pretty soon, Guo Huai himself arrived on the scene, and the officer, who had refrained from running afoul of Zhao Yun earlier, told him what happened. Guo Huai now ordered his troops to give chase, and told this officer to lead a few hundred stout riders to lead the way. I mean, come on, Zhao Yun was just one guy after all.


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[Assistant] But just as they passed some thick woods, they suddenly heard a loud cry behind them. Zhao Yun is here!


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[Assistant] That one shout was apparently enough to scare the Wei soldiers so much that a hundred some riders immediately ditch their horses and clamber up the hillside to flee to safety. Their leader tried to fight Zhao Yun, but Zhao Yun let fly an arrow that struck his helmet, sending him into a ditch.


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[Assistant] So, while the poor slash lucky schmuck ran for his life, Zhao Yun escorted his forces safely back to Hanzhong.


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[Assistant] So that completed Zhuge Liang's near-miraculous retreat back to his own territory.


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[Assistant] But you can bet there would be significant fallout from this turn of events.


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[Assistant] To see what those fallouts are, tune in to the next episode of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms podcast. Thanks for listening.


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[Assistant] Last time, we left off with the end of Zhuge Liang's second unsuccessful campaign to conquer the Kingdom of Wei.


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[Assistant] That was in the winter of the year 228. While Zhuge Liang regrouped at his base in Hanzhong, the Wei Supreme Commander Cao Zhen was forced to return to his capital to recover from an illness.


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[Assistant] So things were temporarily quiet on the Shu and Wei borders.


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[Assistant] But something big was stirring in the southeast, in the kingdom of Wu.


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[Assistant] Word of Zhuge Liang's second expedition soon reached Wu.


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[Assistant] Hearing that Cao Jin had once again suffered casualties, the officials of Wu all asked their lord, Sun Quan, to launch their own northern campaign to conquer the heartlands. But Sun Quan wasn't so sure.


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[Assistant] The senior official Zhang Jiao, however, told him that there was something important he needed to take care of before he could go to war.


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[Assistant] Your lordship's virtue matches that of the ancient sage kings Yao and Shun.


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[Assistant] And your wisdom is the equal of the great kings of the Zhou dynasty. You should ascend to the imperial throne and then launch the campaign.


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[Assistant] So remember that at this point, even though Wu was basically its own political entity, Sun Quan was still technically not an emperor. I think the last title he got was just the King of Wu, which was still a rung below emperor.


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[Assistant] Well, he's going to take care of that right now, as all the officials chimed in in agreement with Zhang Zhou.


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[Assistant] So they picked out an auspicious date and set up an altar to the south of the capital Wuchang. Sun Quan ascended the altar and declared himself emperor. He dished out posthumous imperial titles to his father, mother, and older brother.


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[Assistant] His son, Sun Deng, was named the heir apparent. Sun Quan also appointed the sons of two senior officials as assistants slash guides to his heir. These were Zhuge Ke, the eldest son of Zhuge Jin.


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[Assistant] And Zhang Xiu, the second son of Zhang Zhao.


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[Assistant] Zhu Geke will play a prominent role in our story later on, so keep his name in mind. He stood about 5'3", so certainly not among the taller guys that we've met in the novel, but he was very smart and was always ready with some quick-witted repartee, which made Sun Quan adore him.


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[Assistant] When Zhuge Ke was about 6 years old, he accompanied his father to a banquet with Sun Quan.


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[Assistant] During the feast, Sun Quan, noticing how long Zhu Ge Jin's face was, decided to have a little fun at his official's expense. He ordered his men to bring a donkey into the banquet hall, and then he wrote on the donkey's face, in chalk, the words Zhu Ge Jin.


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[Assistant] Everybody burst out laughing at this rather mean-spirited joke.


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[Assistant] While everybody was laughing at his father, Zhuge Ke stood up, grabbed the chalk, and added another word to the donkey's face. When the people in attendance saw what he had written, they were all stunned. The poor donkey's face now said, Zhuge Jin's donkey. Sun Quan was delighted with Zhuge Ke's wit, so he awarded him the donkey.


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[Assistant] On another occasion, Sun Quan was feasting again with his officials, and he ordered Zhu Ge Ke to be the cup bearer, who was responsible for going around and offering every guest a toast. When Zhu Ge Ke came to Zhang Zhao, the most senior official in Sun Quan's court, Zhang Zhao refused to drink, declaring,


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[Assistant] This is not the proper custom for nourishing one's old age.


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[Assistant] Sun Quan immediately seized upon this as an opportunity to test Zhuge Ke. He asked Zhuge Ke if he could find a way to make Zhang Zhao drink.


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[Assistant] Zhuge Ke accepted the challenge. He turned to Zhang Jiao and said,


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[Assistant] Sir, long ago, the great advisor Jiang Ziya was 90 years old, and still he carried the signal banner and steadied the battle axe, and he never once caught himself old.


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[Assistant] And yet you, sir, are always in the rear on the field of battle and always in the front on the days of feasting.


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[Assistant] So how can you claim that you are not nourishing your old age?


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[Assistant] Well, Zhang Jiao had no response to that, so he had no choice but to drink. Seriously, I think the novel just delights in making an ass out of Zhang Jiao, whether it's his cowardly advocacy for surrendering to Cao Cao, his baseless questioning of a fellow official's loyalty, or his myriad second-rate schemes.


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[Assistant] But still, he had served the house of Sun faithfully for decades, and he had earned a place that ranked even higher than the highest ministers. And that was why Sun Quan also made his son, Zhang Xiu, an assistant to the Crown Prince.


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[Assistant] While he was at it, Sun Quan also appointed the senior official Gu Yong as his prime minister, Lu Xun as his senior commander, and charged them with helping the crown prince defend the capital Wuchang.


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[Assistant] This done, Sun Quan himself returned to the city of Jianye, where he assembled his court to discuss the coming campaign against Wei.


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[Assistant] But now, Zhang Jiao spoke up against launching an invasion.


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[Assistant] Your highness has just ascended to the imperial throne and therefore you should not go to war so soon, Zhang Jiao said.


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[Assistant] The thing to do now is to develop your civil rule and lay down the weapons of war.


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[Assistant] Build schools to settle the people's minds. Renew the alliance with Shu and agree to sharing the empire with them. Play the long game.


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[Assistant] Sun Quan consented to this plan, so he dispatched an envoy to the Riverlands to see the Shu Emperor Liu Shan. The envoy informed Liu Shan that, hey, our lord is now an emperor too, and we would like to continue our alliance with you. Liu Shan then consulted his court about the matter.


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[Assistant] Now, you might think that this was no big deal. After all, we have had three distinct states for quite a while now, and Xu and Wu had renewed their alliance for years. So what did it matter what Sun Quan was calling himself now?


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[Assistant] But, remember, as far as the court of Xu was concerned, there is no Three Kingdoms period, and there never has been. We're still living in the reign of the Han dynasty.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sure, there's a giant renegade state to the north and a, well, whatever you want to call the state of Wu to the east, but technically, the glorious Han Empire was still here, and the House of Han now rules from the Shu capital of Chengdu.


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[Assistant] So when Sun Quan declared himself emperor,


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[Assistant] That kind of raised some thorny issues. In fact, many of Liu Shan's officials were of the opinion that they should sever relations with Wu since Sun Quan was now officially a usurper for daring to declare himself emperor. The senior official Jiang Wan, however, came up with the smartest idea of them all.


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[Assistant] Let's send someone to consult the prime minister, he said.


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[Assistant] So Liu Shan sent an envoy to Hanzhong to ask Zhu Ge Liang, and Zhu Ge Liang replied,


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[Assistant] We should send someone to deliver congratulatory gifts to Wu, and then ask their commander Lu Xun to lead an invasion of Wei.


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[Assistant] Wei will no doubt send Sima Yi to repel them. While Sima Yi is occupied in the south, I will march out from Qi Mountain again, and Chang'an will be within our grasp.


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[Assistant] Following Zhu Ge Liang's instructions, Liu Shan sent the official Chen Zhen to Wu with gifts and a congratulation letter. Sun Quan was delighted and feasted with Chen Zhen before sending him back.


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[Assistant] He then summoned Lu Xun and told him that Xu wanted to form a coalition and attack Wei together. But Lu Xun said,


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[Assistant] Zhuge Liang suggested this because he is wary of Sima Yi. Since we are allies, we have no choice but to agree, but we should just act like we are getting ready to launch a campaign with Xu, and instead, we should wait.


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[Assistant] When Zhuge Liang has occupied Wei's attention, I will use that opportunity to take the Heartlands.


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[Assistant] And so Lu Xun sent out word for the armies of Jing province to begin daily drills and await word on when they will set out on their campaign.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, the Shu envoy Chen Zhen returned to Hanzhong.


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[Assistant] To tell Zhu Ge Liang that the joint campaign was a go, but Zhu Ge Liang still had one more concern.


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[Assistant] The last time he headed north, he was stymied at the passage of Chencang by the Wei general Hao Jiao.


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[Assistant] So this time, before heading out, he first sends scouts to see what's been going on at Chen Cang.


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[Assistant] Word soon came back that Hao Zhao was currently laid up in bed with a serious illness.


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[Assistant] Success is ours, Zhuge Liang exclaimed. He immediately summoned the Generals Wei Yan and Jiang Wei and told them.


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[Assistant] When you see a fire, throw everything you have at the fortress.


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[Assistant] Wei Yan and Jiang Wei were not so sure about this order, given their army's past difficulties trying to take Chengcang. So they asked Zhuge Liang when they should head out. Zhuge Liang told them,


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[Assistant] Get everything ready within three days. There is no need to come take your leave of me. Just go when you're ready.


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[Assistant] Once those two guys left, Zhuge Liang summoned the generals Guan Xing and Zhang Bao and whispered something in their ears, and the two of them set out on their secret mission.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, along the border, the way General Guo Huai received word that Hao Zhao was sick, which was no small matter considering the importance of Chen Cang. So Guo Huai told his comrade, Zhang He,


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[Assistant] Hao Zhao is ill. You must go take his place at once. I will inform the court and figure out a plan.


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[Assistant] So Zhang He headed out immediately with 3,000 men.


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[Assistant] Inside the fortress at Chencang, the general Hao Zhao was on his last legs. One night, as he lay in bed groaning, his men suddenly rushed in to report that Shu forces had appeared outside the fortress. He hurriedly ordered his troops to go defend the city wall.


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[Assistant] But momentarily, all the gates to the fortress have been set on fire and chaos reigned inside the fortress. This all proved to be too much for the ailing Hao Zhao, and he died from the shot.


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[Assistant] With their commander dead, the Wei troops fell into disarray. As our camera fades to black, the last thing we see is the Shu forces storming into the fortress.


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[Assistant] Much later, all was quiet at the fortress as the Shu army led by Wei Yan and Jiang Wei approached.


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[Assistant] They looked up from the foot of the wall and did not see a single banner, nor did they hear anyone banging the gongs and drums that announced the time of day.


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[Assistant] Alarmed and spooked, the two of them did not dare to launch a siege.


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[Assistant] Suddenly, an explosive sounded from atop the wall, and in the blink of an eye, the walls were lined with banners.


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[Assistant] You are late, shouted a man wearing a headscarf and a crane-patterned dowist robe and wielding a feather fan. Guess who?


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[Assistant] Your Excellency schemes are truly divine, they said. Zhuge Liang now welcomed them in and explained.


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[Assistant] When I heard that Hao Zhao was seriously ill, I ordered you to come here within three days time to attack the fortress. But that was a decoy.


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[Assistant] I then ordered Guan Xing and Zhang Bao to slip out of Hanzhong on the pretext of calling up troops.


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[Assistant] I concealed myself within the ranks of their army, and we rushed here on the double, giving the enemy no time to deploy their forces.


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[Assistant] My spies were already in the city and they started a fire and caused a lot of ruckus to throw the wave forces into disarray.


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[Assistant] Without their commander, soldiers naturally fall into chaos. That made taking the fortress as easy as turning over my hand.


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[Assistant] Seeing that his one-time nemesis Hao Zhao was dead, Zhuge Liang allowed his family to escort his coffin back to Wei territory out of admiration for the man's loyalty. He then turned to Wei Yan and Jiang Wei and told them,


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[Assistant] Don't bother taking off your armor. Lead your troops to go attack San Pass at once. The troops defending the pass will flee at a sight of you. If we delay, enemy reinforcements will arrive at that pass, making it difficult to take.


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[Assistant] So Wei Yan and Jiang Wei headed out immediately for San Pass, and sure enough, the Wei troops there fled as soon as they arrived. Wei Yan and Jiang Wei were just about to take a breather when they saw a giant dust cloud in the distance.


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[Assistant] The Wei reinforcements were approaching, so the Shu army had gotten there just in the nick of time, and both officers were once again impressed with Zhu Ge Liang's foresight.


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[Assistant] From the command tower on the pass, Wei Yan and Jiang Wei saw that the approaching enemy forces were being led by the General Zhang He, who had been on his way to replace Hao Zhao.


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[Assistant] So they deployed their troops to fortify the path. Seeing his way blocked by the enemy, Zhang He ordered his troops to fall back. Wei Yan now gave chase and routed Zhang He's army, slaughtering a great many soldiers.


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[Assistant] Wei Yan and Jiang Wei then sent word of their success to Zhuge Liang. Zhuge Liang then marched his troops through Chencang and out of the Xie Gorge, taking the city of Jianwei along the way.


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[Assistant] His troops continued to march, and he also got reinforcements from the capital, led by the General Chen Shi.


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[Assistant] Having marched out of Qi Mountain again, Zhu Ge Liang now set up camp, assembled his officers, and told them.


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[Assistant] My previous two excursions from Qi Mountain were not successful, and now we are here again.


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[Assistant] I expect the wave forces will face us at the same locations again.


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[Assistant] They will expect us to go after the cities of Yongcheng and Meicheng.


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[Assistant] So they will no doubt have armies waiting for us there.


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[Assistant] The cities of Yinping and Wudu offer access to Hanzhong.


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[Assistant] If we can take them, we can split the wave forces. Who dares to go take on this task?


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[Assistant] The Generals Jiang Wei and Wang Ping both volunteered, so Zhuge Liang gave them each 10,000 men and sent Jiang Wei to take Wu Du and Wang Ping to go take Yin Ping.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, the Wei General Zhang He scrambled back to the city of Chang'an and told his comrades Guo Huai and Sun Li, Chen Cang is lost, Hao Zhao is dead, and San Pass now belongs to Shu. Zhu Ge Liang has once again emerged from Qi Mountain, and he is advancing on two separate routes.


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[Assistant] Alarmed, Guo Huai said, if that is the case, he must be going after the cities of Yongcheng and Mei Cheng.


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[Assistant] So, Guo Huai left Zhang He to defend Chang'an and sent Sun Li to go defend Yongcheng, while Guo Huai himself rushed to Meicheng. He also sent an urgent dispatch to the Wei capital, Luoyang.


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[Assistant] When the Wei Emperor Cao Rui received this urgent intel, he was shocked.


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[Assistant] Faced with crises on both fronts, Cao Rui was in a panic, and his supreme commander Cao Zhen was still recovering from illness, making the situation even more dire.


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[Assistant] Well, at least in theory, with Cao Jian ailing, Cao Rui had to turn to Sima Yi to figure out what to do, which was probably for the better. Sima Yi told him,


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[Assistant] In my foolish opinion, Dongwu will not mobilize its troops. How do you know that? Cao Rui asked.


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[Assistant] Zhu Ge Liang has long wanted to avenge Liu Bei's defeat at the hands of Dong Wu.


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[Assistant] It's not that he doesn't want to gobble up Dongwu.


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[Assistant] But he is afraid that we would take the opportunity to attack him.


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[Assistant] That is why he has temporarily allied with Dong Wu. Lu Xun knows this as well.


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[Assistant] So he is just pretending to be getting his troops ready for a joint campaign.


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[Assistant] In reality, he is going to sit and watch what happens. There is no need for Your Highness to be wary of Dongwu. Just focus on Shu.


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[Assistant] Sir, you are truly insightful, Cao Rui praised. So, to deal with the invading Shu army, he appointed Sima Yi as the supreme commander and gave him control of all the forces in the region of Longxi.


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[Assistant] Now, that meant Si Ma Yi was taking over for Cao Zhen along the Shu and Wei border, and that required taking the seal of command away from Cao Zhen and giving it to Si Ma Yi, which could prove to be a sticky situation since it won't look good for Cao Zhen.


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[Assistant] Recognizing this, Sima Yi told the emperor that he would personally go get the seal from Cao Zhen.


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[Assistant] After leaving the palace, Sima Yi headed to Cao Jun's residence and sought an audience. After exchanging pleasantries and inquiring about Cao Jun's health, Sima Yi said,


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[Assistant] Wu and Shu have joined forces and are encroaching on our territory.


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[Assistant] Zhu Ge Liang has marched out from Qi Mountain again. Are you aware of this?


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[Assistant] My family must have kept this from me on account of my illness, Cao Jin said. Since the kingdom is facing such a crisis,


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[Assistant] Why has his highness not yet appointed you as commander to repel the Shu forces?


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[Assistant] I am untalented and ignorant, not up to the task, Sima Yi replied.


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[Assistant] But Cao Zhen knew better. He immediately told his attendants to go fetch his seal of command for Sima Yi. But Sima Yi pretended to decline.


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[Assistant] Commander, don't worry. He told Cao Jin. I am willing to lend any assistance I can, but I do not dare to accept this seal.


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[Assistant] At this point, Sima Yi finally let the truth slip.


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[Assistant] His highness has already given me that order, but it's just that I do not dare to accept.


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[Assistant] Delighted, Cao Zhen said, now you can accept this charge and repel the Xu invaders.


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[Assistant] Since Cao Jun repeatedly insisted on him accepting the post, Sima Yi relented and took the seal. He then took his leave of the emperor and set off for Chang'an to plan his war against Zhuge Liang.


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[Assistant] So, we're now in the fourth month of the year 229. In the span of the last year and a half, Zhuge Liang had launched three invasions of the north. On this, his third attempt, he garrisoned his troops at Qi Mountain and set up three camps to await the enemy.


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[Assistant] Sima Yi, meanwhile, arrived in Chang'an and appointed General Zhang He as his vanguard and the officer Dai Ling as Zhang He's lieutenant.


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[Assistant] He then led a hundred thousand men to Qi Mountain.


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[Assistant] Setting up camp on the south bank of the Wei River.


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[Assistant] Once he was done setting up camp, he met with the generals Guo Huai and Sun Li and asked them if they had faced off against the enemy yet, and they told him no. Sima Yi said,


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[Assistant] The Shu army has traveled a great distance to get here, and it is to their advantage to seek a quick battle. Yet, they have not done so. There must be deception afoot. Is there any news from around the region?


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[Assistant] Our scouts have already reported that all the cities are on high alert and there has been no surprises, Guo Huai said. But we have not yet heard from the cities of Wudu and Yinping.


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[Assistant] So yeaah, maybe Guo Huai should have led with that last part first. Sima Yi immediately told him, I will go face Zhu Ge Liang. You two take the back roads and go save those two cities right away. Attack the enemy from behind, and they will fall into disarray.


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[Assistant] So, Guo Huai and Sun Li led 5,000 men and headed toward Wu Du and Yin Ping. Along the way, they started chatting about their new commander.


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[Assistant] How does Commander Si Ma compare to Zhu Ge Liang, or why ask Sun Li as they rode?


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[Assistant] Zhuge Liang is well above Commander Sima, Sun Li answered.


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[Assistant] So yea, that sounded nice, but just then, word came from the scouts that, hey, don't bother. Yin Ping had already fallen to the forces led by the Shu General Wang Ping, and Wu Du had been sacked by Jiang Wei. And oh, by the way, the Shu forces are right up the road from us.


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[Assistant] They have already sacked the cities, so why are the troops still stationed outside? Sun Li wondered. This must be a trap. We should retreat at once.


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[Assistant] Guo Huai agreed, but just as he ordered a retreat, an explosive sounded, and from behind the hill, a battalion appeared, bearing a giant banner that read, Zhu Ge Liang, Prime Minister of the Han.


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[Assistant] In the middle, sat Zhu Ge Liang on his four wheel chariot, flanked by the officers Guan Xing and Zhang Bao.


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[Assistant] The sight of Zhuge Liang stunned Guo Huai and Sun Li.


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[Assistant] Stop where you are, Zhuge Liang said with a big laugh. How can Sima Yi's scheme deceive me? He has been sending people to give battle every day, all the while sending you two to attack our rear.


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[Assistant] Wudu and Yinping already belong to me. Why have you not surrendered yet? Do you really want to fight me?


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[Assistant] While Guo Huai and Sun Li were still trying to recover from their surprise, loud cries of war rose up from behind them. The Xu generals Wang Ping and Jiang Wei charged in from the rear, while Guan Xing and Zhang Bao attacked from the front.


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[Assistant] Sandwiched, the Wei forces were crushed. Guo Huai and Sun Li were forced to abandon their horses and climb up the hillside on foot to escape.


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[Assistant] Seeing them clamoring up the hill, the Shu General Zhang Bao spurred on his horse and gave chase, but suddenly, his horse slipped and fell into a rushing stream, taking Zhang Bao with it. His soldiers quickly rescued him, but Zhang Bao had broken his head.


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[Assistant] So Zhuge Liang sent him back to the Shu capital Chengdu to recuperate.


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[Assistant] As for Guo Huai and Sun Li, they hoofed it back to camp and told Si Ma Yi.


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[Assistant] Wu Du and Yin Ping have already fallen. Zhu Ge Liang ambushed us on the road. We were routed and only escaped by abandoning our horses and fleeing on foot.


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[Assistant] This was not your fault, Sima Yi told him. Zhuge Liang outsmarted me.


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[Assistant] Lead your troops to go defend the cities of Yongcheng and Meicheng.


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[Assistant] Do not go out to fight. I have a plan to defeat the enemy.


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[Assistant] Once Guo Huai and Sun Li left, Sima Yi summoned his vanguard generals Jiang He and Dai Ling and instructed them.


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[Assistant] Now that Zhuge Liang has taken the cities of Wudu and Yinping, he will no doubt be there trying to put the civilians' minds at ease. That means he is not in his camp.


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[Assistant] You will each lead 10,000 crack troops and set off tonight. Sweep around to the rear of the shoe camp and attack.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, I will lead my forces and line up in battle formation on the front end. Once the Shu army is in chaos, I will attack. With our combined might, we will take the Shu camp. Once we control this mountainous terrain, defeating the enemy will be no problem at all.


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[Assistant] So the two vanguard officers set out, with Dai Ling on the left and Zhang He on the right. They traveled deep into enemy territory along back roads. Around midnight, they converged on the main thoroughfare, joined forces, and swept toward the rear of the Shu army.


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[Assistant] But, they had not gone 10 miles before the front of the column stopped.


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[Assistant] Zhang He and Dai Ling rode up to the front to see what's going on, and there they saw hundreds of carts loaded with hay blocking their path. Uh oh.


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[Assistant] The enemy is prepared, we must retreat at once, Zhang He said.


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[Assistant] But just as he finished giving the order to fall back, the hillside lit up with torches and shook with the sound of drums and horns. Hidden enemy troops appeared from everywhere surrounding the two-way officers. From the top of the hill, Zhu Ge Liang shouted,


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[Assistant] To see if the two trapped Wei officers will surrender, tune in to the next episode of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms podcast. Thanks for listening.


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[Assistant] Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 149.


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[Assistant] Last time, the armies of Wei were closing in on the Shu capital Chengdu.


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[Assistant] The Shu commander Jiang Wei was mounting a stiff defense against the forces led by Zhong Hui at the Saber Pass, the main road leading to Chengdu.


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[Assistant] But, unbeknownst to Jiang Wei, the other Wei commander, Deng Ai, had led a small detachment of troops on a daring trek across treacherous mountain terrain to sneak around him. Now, Deng Ai was on his way to attack Chengdu.


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[Assistant] The Xu Emperor Liu Shan asked his couriers what he should do. Most of the officials had no ideas. One official, Xi Zheng, stepped forward and said,


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[Assistant] With the situation so dire, Your Highness should summon the son of the Marquis of Wu to discuss how to repel the enemy.


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[Assistant] The marquee of Wu, of course, was Zhuge Liang, and his son was named Zhuge Zhan.


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[Assistant] Zhu Gezhan was known for his intelligence even as a child.


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[Assistant] But really, how could he not? I mean, the guy is the child of Zhu Ge Liang, and as we discussed in the supplemental episode on Zhu Ge Liang, his mother was also known for her talent and might have even been smarter than Zhu Ge Liang.


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[Assistant] Later, Zhu Gezhan was married to Liu Shan's daughter, making him the emperor's son-in-law, and he assumed his father's marquisship.


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[Assistant] In the year 261, he was promoted to acting supervisory general, but when Huang Hao began to control the affairs of the court, Zhu Gezhen decided to just stay home on the pretext of illness.


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[Assistant] But now, there was nowhere for him to hide. Liu Shan sent three decrees back to back, summoning him to court. So Zhu Gezhan went. Liu Shan wept and said to him,


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[Assistant] Deng Ai has already taken the city of Fucheng. Chengdu is in danger on account of your father. Please save me. Zhu Gezhan also wept and replied.


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[Assistant] My father and I have received tremendous kindness from your majesty.


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[Assistant] Even if my innards were scattered across the ground, I would not be able to repay you. Please, mobilize all the troops in the city so that I may take them to go fight it out.


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[Assistant] So Liu Shan called up 70,000 troops and put them under Zhu Gezhan's command. Zhu Gezhan then asked his officers who dared to be the vanguard. Before he finished speaking, a young man stepped forward and said,


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[Assistant] Father, since you hold such immense responsibility, I am willing to be the vanguard.


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[Assistant] This was Zhu Gezhan's eldest son, Zhu Gexiang, and he was only 19 years old, but he had taken after his father and grandfather and was already well versed in military texts and skilled in combat. So Zhu Gezhan appointed him as the vanguard and set out immediately.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, Deng Ai had received a map from the newly surrendered general, Ma Miao.


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[Assistant] It laid out the roads covering the hundred-some miles between his present location of Fucheng and the capital Chengdu.


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[Assistant] When he finished studying the map, Dengai set with alarm.


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[Assistant] If we only stay here, then the enemy occupies the hills ahead. How can we succeed? If things drag on for too long and Jiang Wei arrives, our army will be in danger.


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[Assistant] So he summoned his son Deng Zhong and a lieutenant named Shi Zhuan and told them,


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[Assistant] Lead an army and rush to the city of Mianzhu and take on the enemy.


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[Assistant] I will be right behind you. Do not delay. If you allow the enemy to occupy that strategic position, I will have your heads.


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[Assistant] So Deng Zhong and Shi Zhuan rushed to the Mian Zhu, and waiting for them was the Shu army. As the two of them watched from under their banner, the Shu forces lined up. After three rounds of drums, the main banners parted, and a few dozen officers rode out, accompanying a four-wheel chariot.


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[Assistant] Atop the chariot was a man wearing a headscarf, holding a feather fan, and donning a crane pattern robe. The yellow banner next to the chariot read,


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[Assistant] What the heck? When Deng Zhong and Shi Zhuan saw this, they were covered with cold sweat. They turned and said to their troops, Turns out Zhuge Liang is still alive, we're all done for!


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[Assistant] As they were falling back, the Shu army charged and set them to flight. The Shu forces gave chase for about 6 or 7 miles before running into the Wei reinforcement led by Deng Ai, and both sides caught it a day.


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[Assistant] After regrouping his troops, Deng Ai summoned Deng Zhong and Shi Zun and scolded them. Why did you retreat without a fight?


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[Assistant] Deng Zhong replied, We saw Zhuge Liang leading the enemy forces, so we ran.


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[Assistant] At this, Deng Ai flew into a rage. Even if Zhu Ge Liang has come back to life, I am not afraid of him. You two retreated for no reason and caused our defeat. You should be executed at once.


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[Assistant] After much pleading from the other officers, Deng Ai allowed his anger to subside and spared the two.


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[Assistant] He then sent out some scouts, and they reported back that the Xu army was being commanded by Zhuge Liang's son, Zhuge Zhan, and Zhuge Zhan's son Zhuge Xiang was the vanguard. And as for that guy sitting in the chariot earlier today?


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[Assistant] Well, that was a wooden sculpture of Zhu Ge Liang.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, they pulled out that old trick again, and it worked just as well as it did against Sima Yi all those years ago.


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[Assistant] After receiving this intel, Dengai told his son and lieutenant, Victory or defeat rests on this battle. If you two fail to win again, I will cut off your heads.


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[Assistant] So Deng Zhong and Shizuan led 10,000 men and returned to the city of Mianzhu to challenge for combat.


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[Assistant] The Xu Vanguard Zhuge Xiang rode out and single-handedly defeated both of them. Zhuge Zhan then directed his forces to charge out, crashing into the enemy formation dozens of times. The Wei forces were routed, and countless were killed.


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[Assistant] Deng Zhong and Shi Zuan escaped, but both of them were wounded. Zhu Gezhan gave chase for another 6 or 7 miles before stopping and setting up camp.


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[Assistant] When Deng Zhong and Shi Zun leaned back to camp, Deng Ai saw that both of them had been injured, so he decided to go easy on them instead of making good on his earlier threat to chop off their heads.


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[Assistant] Now, he assembled his officers and asked, Zhu Gezhan has taken up his father's work and has killed more than 10,000 of our troops in two battles. If we do not defeat them quickly, it will be a disaster.


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[Assistant] Deng Ai's army supervisor, Qiu Ben, now suggested trying to induce Zhu Gezhan to defect.


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[Assistant] So Deng Ai sent a messenger to take a letter to Zhu Gezhan. The letter said, from Deng Ai.


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[Assistant] The general who conquers the west to acting supervisory general Zhu Gezhan.


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[Assistant] No talent in recent times has been the equal of your honorable father.


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[Assistant] Years ago, he left his thatched hut, predicted the division into the Three Kingdoms, pacified the lands of Jing and Yi provinces, and established a great enterprise. Such accomplishment is rarely found in history.


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[Assistant] Later, his six northern campaigns turned out the way they did, not because he was not smart or capable enough, but because of the will of heaven.


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[Assistant] Now Liu Shan is muddleheaded and his reign is at an end. On my emperor's command, I am leading a large army to invade Shu and have already conquered most of its territories. Chengdu is teetering.


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[Assistant] Sir, why not obey the will of heaven and men and come join us in the name of honor?


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[Assistant] I will recommend you for a lordship so as to honor your ancestors. On that, I swear. I hope you will consider it.


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[Assistant] I think you can guess how well this letter went over. When Zhu Gezhan finished reading the letter, he began to fume. He ripped the letter to smithereens and ordered the guards to execute the messenger at once. And then he told the messenger's attendant to bring the guy's head back to Deng Ai.


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[Assistant] That obviously did not sit well with Deng Ai, and he wanted to go fight, but Chubin told him.


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[Assistant] General, do not go out lightly. You should use the element of surprise.


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[Assistant] Taking this advice, Deng Ai set up an ambush and then led an army to go meet Zhu Gezhan.


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[Assistant] Zhu Gezhan was just preparing to go pick a fight, so when he saw Deng Ai come knocking on his door, he immediately let his army out and charged into the midst of the enemy formation. Deng Ai turned and fled, and Zhu Gezhan gave chase.


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[Assistant] But just then, two Wei armies charged out from hiding and crushed Zhu Gezhan's troops, forcing them back inside Mianzhu. Deng Ai now surrounded the city as his troops formed an airtight circle around it.


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[Assistant] Seeing that the situation was dire, Zhu Gezhan ordered an officer to charge through the lines to go seek help from their ally kingdom of Wu. When the Wu emperor Sun Xiu read the urgent message, he said to his court, Since Xu is in danger, we must not sit idly by.


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[Assistant] He then appointed the old general Ding Feng as commander of 50,000 men to go save Shu.


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[Assistant] Ding Feng divided his army into three forces and marched out immediately.


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[Assistant] But back at Mianju, Zhu Gezhan was running out of time. Not knowing how long it would take for reinforcements to arrive, he decided to go fight his way out. He left his son and several officers in charge of the city, while he led the main army and charged out through three gates.


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[Assistant] When Dengai saw them coming out, he ordered his troops to fall back.


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[Assistant] Zhu Gezhan kept up a hot pursuit, but suddenly an explosive sounded and Wei forces appeared from everywhere, trapping Zhu Gezhan in the center. Zhu Gezhan and his men charged to and fro, killing hundreds of enemies, but Deng Ai now ordered his men to blitz them


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[Assistant] The Xu forces scattered and Zhu Gezhan was struck by an arrow and fell off his horse.


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[Assistant] I have no strength left, Zhuge Zhan shouted. So I will die to repay my country.


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[Assistant] And with that, he pulled out his sword and slit his throat.


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[Assistant] Watching from the city walls, the young general Zhuge Xiang saw his father fall and became enraged. He immediately donned his armor and prepared to go out to fight. One of the officers tried to check him, but Zhuge Xiang said,


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[Assistant] My family has received immense kindness from the state for generations. Since my father has died in battle, what is the point of me living on?


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[Assistant] So he charged out into the chaos and died fighting.


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[Assistant] A poet later commanded both Zhu Gezhan and his son thus.


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[Assistant] Think not, Xu's vassals failed in policy. Heaven ended the Liu's reign, fire signed, though Zhuge Liang left worthy heirs to Xu to carry on the Marshal Lord's design.


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[Assistant] Taking pity on their loyalty, Deng Ai had father and son buried together, and then he turned his attention to laying siege on the city of Mianzhu.


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[Assistant] The three remaining Shu officers each charged out with an army, but they were severely outnumbered and they all died fighting. So now, Mian Zhu, another stronghold, belonged to Deng Ai. After rewarding his troops, he set out once again for the Shu capital Chengdu.


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[Assistant] Word of the outcome of the battle soon trickled into Chengdu, and Liu Shan was shocked. So now Zhuge Zhan is dead, his son Zhuge Xiang is also dead, and Zhuge Liang still has not come back from the dead the last time we checked. So, now what?


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[Assistant] Liu Shan assembled his officials to ask them that question. One of them informed him.


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[Assistant] All the civilians outside the city are fleeing for their lives and the earth shakes with the sound of their cries. Uhm, that's not really helping here, man.


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[Assistant] Liu Shan grew ever more panicked, and then scouts arrived, telling him that the Wei army was approaching the city.


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[Assistant] A bunch of officials now said, We are outnumbered. It would be difficult to fight the enemy. Let's abandon Chengdu and flee to the districts in the south. The terrain there is difficult, so we can mount a defense, borrow troops from the barbarians, and try to reclaim our territory. But the veteran official Qiao Zhou disagreed.


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[Assistant] We must not, he said. The Nanmen Barbarians have long been rebels who have never shown us any kindness. If we seek refuge with them, it would spell disaster.


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[Assistant] Ever since antiquity, there is no such thing as an emperor who resides in another kingdom, he said.


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[Assistant] In my estimation, the Kingdom of Wei can gobble up Wu, but Wu cannot gobble up Wei.


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[Assistant] So, if you declare yourself a vassal of Wu now, that would be one humiliation. And then, if Wu gets swallowed up by Wei, and you declare yourself a vassal of Wei, that will be a second humiliation.


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[Assistant] So instead of Wu, you should surrender to Wei.


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[Assistant] They will no doubt give you a fiefdom. That way, you can preserve your ancestral shrine while protecting the civilians. Please consider it.


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[Assistant] Faced with so many choices, none of them good, Liu Xian could not make up his mind, so he retired for the day.


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[Assistant] The next day, the discussion resumed, and Qiao Zhou once again pressed the idea of surrendering to Wei.


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[Assistant] Liu Shan was just about to go along with it, when suddenly, a man walked out from behind the screen and cursed Qiao Zhou.


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[Assistant] Miserable pedant, how dare you suggest that we abandon our sacred altars, since when has an emperor surrendered?


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[Assistant] Liu Shan looked and saw that this was his fifth son, Liu Chen.


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[Assistant] So Liu Shan had seven sons, and most of them took after him, meaning they were all feeble and useless. The lone exception was this Liu Chen, who had been smart even as a child and displayed aptitude that no one could match. Liu Shan now said to his son,


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[Assistant] When the first emperor was alive, Qiao Zhou never got to consult in the affairs of the state. And now, he has the audacity to speak about important matters and suggest nonsense.


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[Assistant] In my estimation, Chengdu still has tens of thousands of troops, and Jiang Wei's entire army is still at the Saber Pass.


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[Assistant] When he hears that the enemy is encroaching on the capital, he will come help us.


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[Assistant] Then, we attack the enemy from two sides and claim total victory.


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[Assistant] Do not listen to the words of pedants and abandon the first emperor's enterprise so lightly. But Liu Shan would not hear of it.


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[Assistant] Even if we have exhausted our strength and defeat is imminent, then you and I should go out fighting so that we may see the first emperor again. How can we surrender?


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[Assistant] But Liu Shan just ignored his son. Liu Chen now wept bitterly and shouted.


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[Assistant] It was not easy for the first emperor to establish his enterprise, and now we're going to abandon it just like that? I would rather die than to suffer such shame.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Liu Shan ordered his attendants to escort his son out of the palace and told Qiao Zhou to prepare the letter of surrender.


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[Assistant] He then sent Qiao Zhou, along with two other officials, to go deliver the letter to Deng Ai. The two other officials, by the way, were Zhang Xiao, the son of Zhang Fei, and Deng Liang, the son of Deng Zhi. So both of their houses had been instrumental in the establishment of the kingdom.


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[Assistant] So you can only imagine how it felt for the sons to now have to deliver the letter that hands all that their fathers had built over to the enemy.


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[Assistant] At this time, Deng Ai was sending hundreds of armored cavalry on reconnaissance missions to Chengdu every day.


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[Assistant] One day, they saw the flag of surrender erected atop the city wall, and Deng Ai was delighted.


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[Assistant] Momentarily, Qiao Zhou, Zhang Shao, and Deng Liang arrived and prostrated in front of him. They offered up Liu Shan's imperial seal and the letter of surrender.


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[Assistant] After reading the letter, Deng Ai was ecstatic. He accepted the seal and treated the three envoys well. He then sent them back to Chengdu with a letter of his own so as to put the people's hearts at ease.


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[Assistant] The envoys returned to Chengdu, showed Liu Shan the letter from Deng Ai, and recounted how well he had treated them.


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[Assistant] Liu Shan was delighted and immediately dispatched a messenger to order Jiang Wei to stand down and surrender as well.


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[Assistant] He then had the official documents delivered to Deng Ai.


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[Assistant] Two thousand pounds each of gold and silver.


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[Assistant] 100,000 bolts each of silk and dyed silk along with countless other treasures in the storehouses.


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[Assistant] It was agreed that Liu Shan and his officials would leave the city and surrender on the first day of the 12th month of the year 263.


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[Assistant] When his son Liu Chen heard this, he was fuming. He stomped into his palace with a sword and his wife asked him, My lord, why the unusual expression on your face?


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[Assistant] The enemy is near and my father has decided to surrender. Tomorrow the lord and his officials will go surrender and our enterprise will be reduced to ashes. I intend to die before then to go meet the first emperor in the underworld and never bend the knee to another. You are noble indeed, his wife said.


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[Assistant] Your highness will die for your father, and I will die for you, she answered. When the husband dies, the wife follows. What is there to wonder about?


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[Assistant] And as she finished speaking those words, she ran head first into a column and killed herself. Liu Chen then proceeded to kill his own three sons. He cut off the heads of his family and brought them to the ancestral temple. In what must have been a grisly scene, he prostrated on the ground and wept.


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[Assistant] Your servant is too ashamed to watch our enterprise fall into somebody else's hands, so I have killed my wife and children first, so as to remove any lingering worries. And now, I will repay my ancestors with my life. May your spirits see my heart.


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[Assistant] Liu Qin cried so hard that his eyes bled, and then he slit his own throat. When word of his actions reached the people of Shu, everyone was saddened and pained. A later poet wrote these lines.


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[Assistant] Leech and men were glad to bend the knee, for him alone the anguish was too keen.


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[Assistant] Remote in time, that kingdom in the west. But what a hero, the Prince Liu Chen. He gave his life in tribute to Liu Bei.


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[Assistant] Fortune vexed, weeping at the arched blue sky. His awesome presence seems among us still. Who can say the Han has gone for Ai?


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[Assistant] When Liu Shan heard what his son had done, he ordered his men to attend the funeral.


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[Assistant] The next day, the Wei army arrived en masse. Liu Shan let his sons and 60-some court officials out of the city. Liu Shan has hands bound behind his back and walked alongside a coffin. Both gestures of submission.


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[Assistant] They went three miles outside the north gate and kneeled. Deng Ai helped Liu Shan to his feet, untied him, and ordered that his coffin be burned as a gesture of forgiveness. They then entered the city together, and with that, the kingdom of Shu was no more. A poet later lamented thus,


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[Assistant] The northern host came marching into Shu. The king held life too dear to sacrifice.


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[Assistant] How willfully Huang Hao betrayed his liege. For what did Jiang Wei strive to save the land? Inspiring that great captain loyal and true.


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[Assistant] How sad for the prince who did not fail his trust. Though Liu Bei led the realm through many trials, his proud estate turned instantly to dust.


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[Assistant] As Deng Ai entered the city, he was greeted by the people of Chengdu with fragrant flowers. Deng Ai now appointed Liu Shan as the general of the flying cavalry, while the other officials all received appointments as well.


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[Assistant] He then asked Liu Shan to return to his palace, send out decrees to reassure the people, and to hand over the granaries. He also sent out two Xu officials to go to all corners of the kingdom to call on the people and soldiers in those places to submit to the new regime.


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[Assistant] Then Deng Ai sent a messenger to Xi Jiangwei to try to convince him to surrender.


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[Assistant] He also dispatched a message to the Wei capital Luoyang to inform Sima Jiao of his success.


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[Assistant] Now, as for the eunuch Huang Hao, Deng Ai heard about his wicked ways, so he wanted to have the villain executed. But Huang Hao spread some bribes around, and managed to keep his head once again. Like I said before,


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[Assistant] These eunuchs are like cockroaches. You just can't kill them.


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[Assistant] While Deng Ai was busy overseeing the transfer of power in Chengdu, the Xu official sent to tell Jiang Wei to stand down arrived at the Saber Pass. He met Jiang Wei and passed along Liu Shan's order to stand down.


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[Assistant] Jiang Wei fell into a stunned silence, and all his officers were so enraged that they gnashed their teeth and their hair stood up on end. They pulled out their swords, hacked away at rocks, and shouted, We were fighting to the death! Why did they surrender first?


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[Assistant] The sound of weeping warriors could be heard for miles.


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[Assistant] Seeing that his troops' loyalty still laid with their now non-existing kingdom, Jiang Wei consoled them and said,


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[Assistant] Do not worry. I have a plan that can revitalize the Han.


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[Assistant] When the others asked him what this plan was, he whispered it into their ears.


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[Assistant] Moments later, the banner of surrender went up atop the wall of the Saber Pass, where it soon arrived in the camp of the Wei Commander Zhong Hui,


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[Assistant] That Jiang Wei and his generals were coming to surrender.


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[Assistant] Zhong Hui was delighted and welcomed Jiang Wei in.


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[Assistant] General, why have you come so late? Zhong Hui said as Jiang Wei entered.


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[Assistant] Looking stern with tears on his face, Jiang Wei replied,


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[Assistant] Zhong Hui was very impressed with that reply, so he stood up to exchange greetings, and he treated Jiang Wei as an honored guest. Jiang Wei then told him,


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[Assistant] I have heard that ever since your campaigns in the east, every one of your strategies have worked. It is all thanks to you that the Sima clan has prospered. That is why I was willing to surrender.


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[Assistant] If it were Deng Ai, then I would have fought him to the last, and never would have surrendered.


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[Assistant] Zhong Hui was quite impressed with Jiang Wei, though he now snapped an arrow to swear an oath and became sworn brothers with Jiang Wei, and he took Jiang Wei into his confidence. Zhong Hui ordered Jiang Wei to continue leading his troops, which made Jiang Wei secretly rejoice.


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[Assistant] Back in Chengdu, Deng Ai had appointed several of his officers to oversee various districts in Shu. He then erected a grand dais in the city of Mianzhu to commemorate his victories. On this dais, he invited all the former officials of Shu to a feast.


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[Assistant] After drinking for a while, a buzzing dung eye pointed at the officials and said, You are lucky that you ran into me. That is why you are here today. If it were some other commander, you would all be dead now.


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[Assistant] At that, all the officials rose and bowed to express their gratitude.


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[Assistant] Just then, the envoy returned and said that Jiang Wei had surrendered to Zhong Hui.


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[Assistant] Well, that did not please Deng Ai at all, and his grudge against Zhong Hui grew ever stronger.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, Deng Ai's report arrived in the Wei capital, and Sima Zhao read his letter.


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[Assistant] The letter basically said that even though this might seem like a good time to turn around and invade the Kingdom of Wu, the army is too exhausted after its recent victory, so he advised Sima Zhao to have 40,000 men to start building ships for an eventual invasion of Wu.


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[Assistant] But for the time being, they should try to induce Sun Xiu.


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[Assistant] Deng Ai recommended that instead of relocating Liu Shan to the Wei capital immediately,


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[Assistant] That they leave him in Chengdu until next winter and shower him and his sons with titles and wealth so as to show the people of Wu that this is what happens to those who surrender.


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[Assistant] While that may sound like good advice, Sima Jiao saw something there that he did not like. Here was one of his top generals, having just conquered an enemy kingdom, currently stationed far away from home, with a large army. And he was trying to keep the vanquished lord in place.


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[Assistant] From where Sima Jiao was sitting, it sure as heck looked like Deng Ai was trying to set himself up to be something more than just a general, if you know what I mean.


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[Assistant] To see what Sima Jiao will do about this potential brewing insurrection,


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[Assistant] Tune in to the next episode of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms podcast. Thanks for listening.


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[Assistant] Good morning, brother. How you doing? Hey, what's going on? How you feeling, man? Uh, great. Welcome to Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Welcome to the Secret Podcast. Top secret stuff going on over here. Including the launch of a brand new podcast. Inaugural episode.


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[Assistant] Well, also the threat, the impending threat of a gun to the head makes it all that more violent and disturbing. It's like some weird Saul fantasy, where now you gotta like suck your way out of it.


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[Assistant] So you told your mom to shut the fuck up and you proceeded to implant the visual of you and your father 69 and in front of the Osborns to the whole party.


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[Assistant] I was imagining, I mean, forgive me if I'm wrong, but like, just like an older lady, you know, a mature older lady with like one of those like blanket shirts, just like a blanket draped over, big costume, jewelry, all excited to go out with her husband, Mr. Osborne.


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[Assistant] I'm sure they don't care. That's the other thing. I wonder about that sometimes, but like, they've heard horrible shit.


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[Assistant] Uuuh. That's the double dagger. That's like the small dagger in the back, dude. The mom silence.


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[Assistant] It is true. Unless you have like super cool parents, in which case usually they turn out pretty weird. You know what I mean? If your parents are too cool. Yea. Like yea dude, 69 means hilarious. It's like, your dad's a fucking weirdo. Yea.


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[Assistant] Scorching hot. Copy that text and send it to me, I want it in my phone too.


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[Assistant] I don't know, that's not totally true. Yea, definitely not quip. Don't quip. Never quip. It holds weight. No it does. If they love everything you do, it's like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, my, uh, my mother's cried twice via Twitter, one time over a, uh, a clip of Stand Up. But I basically, I thought it was funny for a while to tweet, like, aggressively homoerotic stuff to the rock. And, uh, the one, the tweet,


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[Assistant] No, it was just me, just for myself. You know, I was just entertaining myself at work.


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[Assistant] So, the tweet that got my mom fired up was, uhm, it was like, sometimes when I'm jerking off, I wonder if the rock jerks off too, and then I cum so hard. That was the tweet. Cum spelled c-u-m too, so it's ten times more disgusting.


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[Assistant] And my mom found it, I, I didn't, she just called my dad. So I'm just at work, my dad calls me, he's like, hey.


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[Assistant] What the, what's this uh, what's this business on the internet you're doing? Like what?


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[Assistant] See, you're tweeting, you're sending these tweets out about, it's disgusting. Should be on Megan's law. Like, alright, I'm like, oh, the one about the rock? He's like, yeah, that's gross. That's disgusting, you're sick. Your mother's on my guard, I'll take it down. You better do that.


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[Assistant] My mom, every now and again, just like, will just Google me, I think, or just like click a link. Oh, no, no, it was, I had updated a website. So I had a live Twitter feed on my website, my mom being, you know, was like, oh, let me see what my son's doing, clicked on my website, and it was just like, I've come so hard for the rock, and she was like, uuuh. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] See, sweet woman and I never should have subjected her to that. At first I wanted to be like, whatever dad, no, I'm not deleting it. Then I'm like, I probably could spare the gay rock tweets from my mom, that's not asking much. So I deleted it and I've watched myself ever since. DM me.


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[Assistant] Hell yeaah. That was a sick fart, I'm so glad you did that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this literally, if you're on your way to work right now, you're probably questioning everything, like why did I choose what I chose? I could be in a house around a poker table right now farting into a microphone.


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[Assistant] How's your mom with computers? She might hook him up. He's gonna listen, he's gonna wanna hear himself.


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[Assistant] Like, uh, not conversion vans. Like a 15 seater van. Yea, like a huge van.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm saying I used to, I used to masturbate, have a non-climax, or it was a climax though, but I wouldn't ejaculate, I'd pee.


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[Assistant] A little bit of a teaser for you guys to stay tuned, plus we're at 30 minutes anyway, and that's plenty.


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[Assistant] Uh, the shitcast, the shitcast actually is just me trying, or any guest if anyone wants to do it with me.


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[Assistant] So I was trying to interview people live while they're taking a shit and see if I could get people to talk to me while they're taking a dump.


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[Assistant] And I was, it wasn't no reason, I was gonna use it eventually, I didn't know what for. Something just told me to do this. So I figured I would, you know, try to get people to talk about stuff in like an anonymous setting when they're relaxed and taking a dump. And it feels more like a sexual come on. So people are very uncomfortable, but I won't stop. I will get the answers out of Americans while they relieve themselves. That's it, that's the shitcast, so.


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[Assistant] Welcome to the Romance of the Three Kingdoms Podcast. This is episode 144.


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[Assistant] Last time, Jiang Wei had launched yet another northern campaign trying to catch his enemies off guard while they were busy dealing with an internal rebellion started by Zhu Gedan.


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[Assistant] This time, Jiang Wei was focusing his attention on the town of Changcheng, a key grain store for the Wei forces. He put the town under siege, and it looked like the town was just about to fall, but then, a Wei relief force showed up.


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[Assistant] Sigh, I guess we'll have to take care of these guys first. So Jiang Wei turned his army around to face the oncoming foe.


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[Assistant] From the opposing lines, a young general rode out with spear in hand. He looked to be about 20 some years old, with a face so fair that he looked as if he were wearing powder, and his lips were daubs of red. This young man shouted across the field, Do you recognize General Deng?


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[Assistant] Jiang Wei thought to himself, that must be Deng Ai. So he rode forth to meet his foe, and the two traded blows for 40 bouts without either gaining an edge. Seeing that the young warrior showed no signs of faltering, Jiang Wei figured that he needed to pull some shenanigans to win this fight.


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[Assistant] So he turned and fled down a mountain path on the left.


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[Assistant] The young general gave chase, and as he approached, Jiang Wei pulled out his bow and fired an arrow at the man. But his foe had sharp eyes and quickly dodged the arrow. When Jiang Wei turned around, the young man was already upon him and thrusting his spear at him.


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[Assistant] Jiang Wei dodged the thrust, letting the spear go under his arm, and then he wrapped his arm around the spear.


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[Assistant] His foe now ditched the spear and rolled back toward his own lines.


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[Assistant] Xiang Wei lamented this missed opportunity to slay this Deng Ai that he had heard so much about, and now it was his turn to give chase. But, when he approached the enemy's lines, he was suddenly greeted by another, older general who wielded a saber.


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[Assistant] So only now did Jiang Wei realize that the young man who had fought him to a standstill was Deng Ai's son.


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[Assistant] He was secretly astonished at the young man's skills. He wanted to go take on Deng Ai, but was worried that his horse was too tired. So he pointed at Deng Ai and said,


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[Assistant] Today was my introduction to you and your son. Let's call it a day and settle this tomorrow.


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[Assistant] For his part, Deng Ai recognized that the field of battle was not to his advantage, so he agreed, saying,


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[Assistant] In that case, let's both bring our armies back to camp. A real man would not ambush his foe.


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[Assistant] So the two armies both fell back. Deng Ai subcamped by the Wei River, while Jiang Wei subcamped across two mountains.


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[Assistant] After studying the Xu army's deployment, Deng Ai wrote to Sima Wang, the commander inside the town of Changcheng, and told him,


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[Assistant] I am sending my eldest son Deng Zhong to help you defend the town.


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[Assistant] And while that message was on its way to Sima Wang, Deng Ai also sent an urgent dispatch to Sima Jiao requesting aid.


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[Assistant] Soon, Jiang Wei sent a message to Deng Ai challenging him to a battle the next day. Deng Ai said, yeah sure, let's do it.


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[Assistant] So the next day, Jiang Wei got his army up bright and early, prepared breakfast, and then went out at first light to sub their battle formation and wait for Deng Ai to arrive. They waited, and waited, and waited.


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[Assistant] But Deng Ai never showed. What's more, his camp was all quiet as if there was nobody home. Jiang Wei spent a whole day waiting before returning to camp at dusk.


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[Assistant] The next day, Jiang Wei sent Deng Ai another message saying, Yo, what's up with that? You said you would show up yesterday.


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[Assistant] Dengai treated the messenger to wine and food and told him,


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[Assistant] I was under the weather and missed our appointment. Tomorrow, we shall fight.


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[Assistant] So the next day, Jiang Wei marched his army out and lined up once again.


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[Assistant] And once again, Dung Eye left him hanging all day.


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[Assistant] It just kept going like this, and after fifth or sixth time, the Xu general Fu Qian said to Jiang Wei,


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[Assistant] They must be waiting for reinforcements from the Heartland. Then, they can attack us on three sides. I will send a message to Sun Chen, the Prime Minister of Dongwu, and ask him to help us.


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[Assistant] But just then, scouts reported that Sima Zhao had sacked the city of Xiuquan, killed the rebel general Zhu Gedan, and that the Dongwu army has surrendered. What's more, Sima Zhao had returned to the Wei capital and was now planning to bring reinforcements to lift the siege on Changcheng.


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[Assistant] This invasion has turned into another empty dream. A stunned Jiang Wei said, we should turn back.


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[Assistant] So Jiang Wei sent his equipment and supplies on ahead, followed by the infantry, and had the cavalry bring up the rear on the retreat.


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[Assistant] When spies reported this development to Deng Ai, Deng Ai smiled and said,


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[Assistant] Jiang Wei heard that our Regent Marshal was coming, so he pulled out first. There is no need to give chase. If we do, we will fall into a trap.


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[Assistant] So he just sent some scouts to go check on the enemy. And sure enough, they reported back that at various bottlenecks along the way, Jiang Wei had stockpiled firewood in preparation for using fire to ambush any pursuers. All of Deng Ai's officers were impressed by his foresight.


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[Assistant] When word of this latest victory reached Si Ma Jiao, he was delighted and rewarded Deng Ai once again.


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[Assistant] With the western border quiet for now, let's jump over to the southlands to check on the fallout from Dongwu's failed attempt to aid the rebellion within the Wei borders.


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[Assistant] The Prime Minister Sun Chen was enraged about so many of his officers defecting to Sima Zhao, so he had all their families executed.


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[Assistant] This retaliation was too much for his emperor Sun Liang, but Sun Liang was pretty powerless to do anything about his prime minister.


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[Assistant] So this Sun Liang was actually a pretty bright boy.


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[Assistant] As an example of his intelligence, the novel gave us this story


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[Assistant] One day, while he was eating a fresh plum in the garden, Sun Liang asked a eunuch to go fetch some honey. Moments later, the eunuch returned with the honey.


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[Assistant] Hey, wait a minute. What are all those little pieces floating around inside? Wait, is that what I think it is? Is that rat droppings? Ew.


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[Assistant] Naturally, Sun Liang was displeased, and he summoned a steward who kept the honey to chew him out. The steward kowtowed and said,


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[Assistant] Your servant kept the honey tightly sealed. How could rat droppings have gotten in?


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[Assistant] Has the eunuch ever asked you for some honey for himself?


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[Assistant] You must have held a grudge against the steward for not giving you honey, so you put rat droppings in the honey to frame him. When the eunuch denied this, Sun Liang said, this is easy enough to figure out.


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[Assistant] If the rat droppings have been in the honey for a long time, then they must be soaked through. If they were placed in the honey just now, then the inside should be dry.


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[Assistant] So he had his men cut open the red droppings, and what do you know, the inside was dry, so the unit got his just dessert.


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[Assistant] However, Rat Dropping's related wisdom notwithstanding, Sun Liang was still just 16 years old, and he was nothing more than a puppet being pushed around by Sun Chen.


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[Assistant] Sun Quan held firm control over the military and placed his brothers in charge of all the key posts.


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[Assistant] One day, Sun Liang was just sitting around with nothing to do. He was being attended to by Quan Ji.


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[Assistant] A member of the Inner Bureau and Sun Liang's brother-in-law.


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[Assistant] Sun Liang said to Quan Ji, with tears in his eyes,


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[Assistant] Sun Chen has concentrated power in his hands and kills people at will.


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[Assistant] You can go mobilize the imperial guard and have the general Liu Cheng lock down all the gates of the capital. Then I will go kill Sun Chen.


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[Assistant] But you must not let your mother hear about this plan. She is Sun Chen's sister. If this leaks out, it will do me in.


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[Assistant] I beg your majesty to give me a handwritten edict so that I can show it to the troops when the time comes. That way, Sun Chen's henchmen will not dare to take matters into their own hands.


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[Assistant] So, Sun Liang wrote a secret edict and gave it to Quan Ji.


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[Assistant] When Quan Ji went home that night, he indeed did not tell his mother about this. He did, however, tell his father, Quan Shang.


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[Assistant] Quan Shang then went and told his wife that they were going to kill Sun Chen in three days. But uhm, wait a minute here.


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[Assistant] Quan Shang was Quan Ji's father, so that would make Quan Shang's wife Quan Ji's mother, and wasn't Quan Ji not supposed to tell?


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[Assistant] So, when Quan Shang's wife, aka Quan Ji's mother and Sun Chen's sister, heard this plan, she said, yes, Sun Chen deserves to die. But, as soon as she had a moment to herself,


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[Assistant] She sent a secret letter to Sun Chen, spilling the beans. Sun Chen was understandably outraged. That very night, he called up his four brothers, mobilized their troops, and surrounded the palace. At the same time, he arrested Quan Ji, the general Liu Cheng, and their entire families.


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[Assistant] At first light, the next day, Sun Liang suddenly heard earth-shattering drums and gongs coming from just outside the palace gate. One of his attendants rushed in and told him that Sun Chun's troops had surrounded the palace.


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[Assistant] An angry Sun Liang pointed at his empress and said,


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[Assistant] Your father and brother have ruined my plan!


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[Assistant] Then, Sun Liang pulled out his sword and wanted to go outside to fight it out.


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[Assistant] But all his attendants grabbed him by his robe while weeping and refused to let him go.


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[Assistant] So, while Sun Liang was stuck inside the palace, Sun Chun first had all his accomplices executed, and then gathered the court officials and told them,


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[Assistant] Our lord is depraved and sick. He is incompetent and immoral, not fit to rule. We must depose him. Anyone who dares to oppose this will be treated as a conspirator.


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[Assistant] Well, since you put it that way, sure, everybody at court was on board, except for one official. This guy stepped forward and cursed Sun Chen, saying,


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[Assistant] Sun Chen pulled out his sword and personally cut this guy down. Anybody else got anything to object to? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah, I didn't think so.


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[Assistant] Sun Chen now went into the palace and cursed Sun Liang.


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[Assistant] You immoral, ignorant ruler. You should be executed to appease the realm. But, for the sake of our former lord, we will reduce you to a duke. I will select a man of virtue to replace you.


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[Assistant] And so Sun Chen confiscated Sun Liang's imperial seal and sent him on his way, and Sun Liang left in tears.


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[Assistant] For a replacement, Sun Quan settled on Sun Quan's sixth son, Sun Xiu. The Sun Xiu had a dream that night. He dreamed that he was riding a dragon toward heaven. But suddenly, he turned around and did not see the dragon's tail. This startled him, and he woke up.


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[Assistant] The next morning, envoys arrived and asked him to accompany them to the capital.


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[Assistant] So he went, and one of Sun Chen's brothers greeted him with the imperial litter. Sun Xiu did not dare to ride in it. Instead, he took a small carriage into the capital,


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[Assistant] Where he was greeted by kneeling officials. Sun Xiu hurriedly dismounted and bowed in return. Sun Chen helped him up.


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[Assistant] Escort him into the main hall and announce that he was the new emperor.


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[Assistant] An Imperial Protector of Jing Province.


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[Assistant] And the rest of the officials got rewards and promotions as well.


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[Assistant] So, Sun Chen was now more powerful than ever. He and his four brothers received marquee ships and Sun Xiu showed them great favor publicly. But secretly, Sun Xiu was very wary of them and was trying to protect himself from them.


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[Assistant] Sun Chen in the meantime grew ever more arrogant.


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[Assistant] So we're now in the year 258. That winter, Sun Chen brought beef and wine to the palace and presented them to Sun Xiu to celebrate the emperor's health.


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[Assistant] But Sun Xiu declined the gifts that did not sit well with Sun Chen. He took his beef and wine over to the home of Jiang Bu, the general of the left, and shared them with his host.


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[Assistant] As Sun Chun was starting to feel a buzz, he said to Jiang Bu,


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[Assistant] When I deposed Sun Liang, everyone told me that I should take the throne myself.


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[Assistant] Yet, I thought our present lord was a worthy man, so I put him on the throne instead.


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[Assistant] As Zhang Bu listened, he just nodded. The next day though, Zhang Bu went to the palace and relayed Sun Chen's words to Sun Xiu.


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[Assistant] And the Emperor was now on edge day and night.


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[Assistant] After a few days, Sun Chen sent one of his men to the city of Wuchang with 15,000 troops and gave them control over the armory.


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[Assistant] The old general Ding Feng is an excellent strategist. He is capable of dealing with such an important matter.