[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nobody believes me, I saw a fucking Native American one time, full headdress, sitting in a teepee, and I thought I was losing, I thought I fucking lost my mind. In those woods. Same area. In the Wissahickin. Now these are deeper woods I was in. Yea. I was in Penns Woods. That's what Pennsylvania means by the way. I know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might start sprinkling a different color powder just to try to subdue her witchcraft. I'm going to call the cops on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that is tracks. If you see the light, that's where I chill. You go over those tracks, it's a well lit area, but only for a little bit, then you can walk into like dark wood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you picking- you're picking Blizz up good, right? Make sure it's- okay cool. You can hear me, okay. Yes, I, uh, yes, Blizz. I wanna say that again. Yes, Blizz. We'll talk about my most shameful, uh, most shameful encounter. You don't need to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We never had sex, we didn't even kiss, even though I thought about kissing her, but I didn't. Why didn't you kiss her? Was she a pretty witch? Well, she, I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna besmirch this lady, but it was not the most difficult thing not to restrain myself, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I am a hot-blooded man, and I have a very strong libido, so. But the problem was, she was also somewhat, I'm gonna say somewhat, I've talked about this before, but she was something of a Nazi, she was a Hitler sympathizer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, she was a Latinx witch. She was a Latinx witch who wasn't totally against Hitler and she made her case to me on the way back after we left. She was explaining to me like why he was, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She told me that, she read me her erotica, she told me a very vicious story about a time she did LSD with a gentleman on an online date and then proceeded while they started having sex, told him like, you have the smallest penis in the world and I have to stop. Oh my god. While the guy was tripping. And then she took a nap in his apartment and then left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On acid. And then she was like, I'm catching an Uber, I'm out of here. She didn't think anything was wrong with it. I was like, you realize it? She's like, no, I was just being honest. It's like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a fucked up thing to deal with. Even when you're not tripping on LSD.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's wild, dude. But then on the way, after all of that, told me about the Hitler thing, on the way back, we're driving home, I can't wait to drop her off. She's like, do you want to see videos of me squirting? I was like, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was, I don't recall, if it was a bush, I have like a perfectly photographic memories for bushes. I remember every big bush I've ever seen. Same here, brother. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a pretty open minded dude. I was like, you know, I was like, this is obviously a weird date, but I could have like, a lot of people were like, I would have left. I like, you know, I was a gentleman about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine hers was large and in charge. Just a level of attitude she had. Was she making herself square?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happened, dude. We didn't kiss. Unless I somehow repressed the memory, we didn't kiss. I think I was like, I was thinking about it as a horn dog, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Jesus, man. Thanks for sharing that. That's a story that never ends. I've told it like three times and I always come up with things I totally forgot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's a goodie. That's a goodie. That's a goodie, man. That was a... It had some pretty sick online dates. One time I went out with a girl who just got fucking hammered and cried at the end. Like, just got, like, drinking... We went mini-golfing and she was drinking vodka out of a water bottle. Oh man. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what it is dude, I like somehow intermingle, I would intermingle with like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, yeaah, that was a night, that was an absolute nightmare. Did you fill up a, like a Deer Park bottle with vodka? Yes, like raspberry flavored vodka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got, she drank the bottle, the water bottle of vodka. That's blacked out. She was, she held it down, she followed me in her car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was my online dating experience. It was that and then like, you know, the classic going on plenty of fish and like watching like some movie with a lady and like begging her for a blowjob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The landscape changed on that. Before, in the 80s, you were allowed to ask like every like two minutes. Yea. You were allowed to be like, come on. Now you get four. Now you get four. Then it gets into, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I would still, obviously I'm gonna please my wife. He just said he could deal with it though. I'm saying, my dick would be hard, I wanna please my wife because I love her, but if I could just take all the feeling out of my penis, I would take it out. Yeah, why not? Take it all out, I would just please my wife, like yes ma'am. Just please her, like I'm done now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook. Are you ready for the conference championships? Turn your team's victory into your own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turn your team's victory into your own win with DraftKings Sportsbook. Guys, who do you got in the conference? What are your picks? Who do you think is going to win the conference? What's going on? Gardini, I'm fucking reading an advertisement. What are you telling them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Launch that mic. Delcalo, who the fuck do you have for the NBA conference?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, new customers bet $5 on any team to win and get $200 in free bets if they do. Pretty, that's a good deal for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bet $5 and win. That's what they're saying. When they win, you win, John. If you bet $5 on the 76ers and they win, you win $200 in free bets you can place. What? Is that true? Yeaah. But you can only put, you can't cash out, you can only place bets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. But then if you win those bets, who knows, you probably get all that money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Free bets that they do. Illinois listeners, mobile registration is back. And right now you can sign up for DraftKings Sportsbook simply by downloading the app right to your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If Sportsbook isn't available in your state yet, you can still join the action with Draft King Pools, and everyone can play free all March long for a shot at over $250,000 in prizes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the Draft, DraftKings Sportsbook app now. Use promo code Drench. Drench, excuse me. Oh, this is the worst one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Use promo code drenched. Bet $5 on any college hoops team to win and get $200 in free bets if they do. If they win, you win with promo code drenched this week at DraftKings Sportsbook. 21 and over restrictions apply. See show notes for details.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeaah, I mean right now, what do you guys think about the conflict in Ukraine?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You a big fan? What do you think, Dakota? I want your take on Russia-Ukraine. Why do you want my take? I love burdening you with like the most pressing topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I just wanted to do that just to fuck with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with that. I don't follow the news at all. I heard it's, I heard they're not winning. I heard Ukraine's not winning right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I thought about it, I'm like, you know, it's for sure sad, it's terrible. Although the suicide rate in Russia, I think, is the highest in the world. So, you know, glass half empty, maybe if they win a war, less people will kill themselves in Russia. Glass half, you know, glass half full, I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a bed, you know, I'm just, I'm a brightsider. So I'm saying like it's- Why are people in Russia so sad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No apparently people in Russia kill themselves big time, dude. Well it's cold and dark and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean they came out of like a totalitarian regime that failed, that's a fucking bummer. They're like, we're the best, buy into this, and they fucking ruin, your whole life is dedicated to just like, totally owning you, and it's like ah fuck, that fails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know in Russia they tried to, what the fuck did they, they tried to do a thing called the continuous work cycle, where like the factories were going seven days a week, and it just completely fell on its face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should give it a rest. Well, maybe. But you know, they were trying to win, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you would like though just to be just a face among the crowd, show up, clock in, in a totalitarian regime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll call, they're not sending you space dude. You're gonna be in the factory. If they're promising me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if they promised you space and then the regime collapsed. You'd probably fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you're gonna live in Russia and eat five fucking dogs in a week? Probably.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that might be. No space, space is off the table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, like, you ever think about that? Like, we're not securing our borders, and we're gonna go to space?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, don't pretend you don't know, dude. You know about Z? No. So like apparently, I just found, I like, I like glimpsed this from my head, this is all my news, I glimpsed a headline and I just pulled a picture of the world. So I glimpsed at like Z's or like a aggressive thing or something. It's like a sign of like Russian like military. Hit him with a Z.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Huh. Yeaah. You were telling me some Olympic, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's like, you know, I'm not gonna get into this. Do they spell Russia with a Z? Yeah, that's the mixtape Russia. The bad boys do. Yeah, I mean, true. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine watching the Olympics when you're in Iraq. You're like watching like the 2016 or like 2012 Olympics and you're like, these fucking guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like yeaah, we win again. But, John, that's not to condone. Russia, out of the fuck, I fuck, I get pissed off. I want to take all the Russian hockey players out of the NHL. Wow. Where would you put them? Canadian league.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give him some tough, tough fucking hockey up there. That's Justin's problem. Yeah, give him what for, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, that, they're, it didn't, no, it's, it's, dude, all joking aside, it's a fucking very weird thing that we all of a sudden have got into. What? Canadian hockey. Sorry from Covid to be like, Ukraine. Oh yea. I don't hate Ukraine. But it's, it's very funny that people were like, that quickly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My thing is, I mean, for sure, it's a big deal, I'm not downplaying it. It's just very, it's just bizarre. It's bizarre, it's just coming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. That's all I'm saying. Exactly. Thank you, John. That's what I'm saying. So, final word. What's the final word you got on the Russia situation? It's just such a funny hot button topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not smiling at all. I told you I'm a brightsider. So I'm just trying to find the bright side of this whole thing. The bright side is not as bad as the holocaust. We can all agree on that guys. Right? Right. Yea. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is good. That's good. That's good. Confirmed. It's good. It's about a positive spin. Holocaust was way worse than this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope Ukraine wins, I'll be honest. I'm rooting, I'm genuinely all fucking around aside. I'm rooting for Ukraine. I hope it's the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. The COVID thing was obvious. You can get into that, but like it's just like, hold on, wait, what now? And it's like, yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That stinks. I hope Russia loses, to be honest. They will. According to that book I read. Yo, how about that? That book I read, I talked about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean here's the fucking, the wild card is, I mean it's definitely a terrible thing, the wild card is, go rush us, use those nukes. Cause they're fucking talking shit dude about using nukes. And now they're saying if you sanction us, that's an act of war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, we will do shit that you can't even imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, I think World War II was kind of like this, like shit was going on in Europe. We're like, we'll help out. We're not going to get involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna get people scared, but something really, we might get drawn into this, and the thing that draws us in might be nuts, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gardini, what were we at time-wise? Guys. Let me ask you guys this, let's get off the topic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty good. I'll tell you what she could do. I'll tell you what that smoky mom could do. She could get Lucy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. John, let me tell you this. Lucy makes all kinds of nicotine products like gum, lozenges, and pouches. Lucy is a better, more responsible way to consume nicotine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, you know, what flavor do I like? I actually avoided nicotine addiction. I'm not going to brag, but I just kicked the habit. It wasn't that hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I don't know, but guys, check out the full line of products at lucy.co. That's lucy.co and use promo code drenched at checkout. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You probably shouldn't. Yea, it's nicotine is the issue. But, don't let that stop you from getting Lucy. If you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, go to Lucy.co and be sure to use the promo code Drenched. Thanks guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, who would want to say yes? Piece of shit ladies that are bad to their babies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyday health. That's Philip Morris. That's fucking Philip Morris. And maybe it is. Now doctors are really again stressing out babies. You were saying something like that. Yea. Dude, when you have a baby, they're like, whatever, just don't get stressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Guys, before we go to the Patreon, what do you have? What do you have to, uh, what should people catch you on, all that other stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be in Buffalo, New York this weekend. So come out to that. I believe it's Saturday. It's one night. I'm bringing my whole freaking family with me. That'll be fun. Um, also where else am I going to be? We'll put, actually there'll be a link in the show notes to all the shows coming up. Uh, Austin, I think got rescheduled to April 14th. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you don't want to, he was saying it's like, skiing in Utah is like terrifying. It's like the edge of a cliff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's right there. Elbow in. Elbow's in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and Ron were looking for a fun after party. Is it still a secret? Yea, I don't even know who it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always get that mixed up with apocalypto. I'm like, the apocalypto sex scene would be nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop down, get some pussy down the well, he's like, I'll be back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So that was called Mad Libs. Mad Libs. She called it Mad Libs of mine bro. It was XXX dude. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing was, so fast, it'll make your blank butthole spin. My mom pissed. She slapped you in the head. It was like, dick. Pussy. Yes. Bitch. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, she found that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to be fair, it was completely in- I couldn't tell what was going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think it's like, like whenever like they turn the credit card thing around me, like do your signature, I just go like, blah, cause I know it doesn't matter. Yeah. So that's why I genuinely think sometimes they just go like, blah, and you're like, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was a great dude. I thought I almost misgendered the man, my apologies, but it was just a dude from, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe Estonia with like a crazy high voice. It was really sick. You thought it was Estonian? I can't tell bro, around here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think one of those just totally, there's a couple of those countries that are like, we're Russia till we die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, thank you Sean. Fair enough. There's one that's not. There's one that's right outside there. Near... Belarus? Belarus, I think you're right, yea. Could be. Belarus holds it down. I think you're absolutely right. I think they should hate Russia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. Oh, NATO? Yeah. But that's the other thing too. Russia has to. It's got to fucking get those other states back because it needs a long treacherous road because now with Ukraine right there, you can get right into one of those capitals too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So, Russia's in a tight spot dude. It has no, it has no choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're gonna, it's, it's, what's gonna happen is they're gonna expand, expand, expand. They're gonna start spending too much on the military. The economy's gonna falter because the population's gonna dip, so they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're gonna figure out different forms of energy because they're getting all that money from the natural gas. That's gonna put, that's gonna peter out at some point. Russia collapses. All those countries, Turkey's gonna start, they're all gonna start grabbing pieces of the former Russian states or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the, that's the guy's prediction. I don't know. But yea, Russia's gonna fall hard and then that's when the eastern block is gonna start.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, cause then fucking, we gotta deal with Japan. Japan's gonna start carving into China once China collapses. Japan's gonna have a nasty navy. Turkey's gonna be growing. Only hope is Mexico and Poland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's going to be, 2050 is going to be lit dude. This book is sick as hell. Yeaah. Next 100 years is tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taught an old bogey like me some stuff about history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The economy was based more on a elite class, it was just on like relationships. So you'd have these companies that would just start getting loan after loan after loan. So it wasn't about if you were profitable or not because you could just get loans. Now they have these companies that were prone to just collapsing because they weren't built on merit and profitability.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's all the communist party, and they're gonna, apparently they're saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least 25% of China's GDP is bad, like businesses that are faltering, loans that are faltering. Could be 40, bro. Could be, we'll see, we'll see, I don't know. Me and, me and George Friedman will figure this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, so they say Japan's gonna carve up China and then start like a pretty sick navy. So, that's gonna be a problem coming at you in 2050.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think? Japan? Well, US has total domination over South China Sea. You'd be surprised.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking, once they put that Battlestar above that thing, over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chinese supersonics getting wild. I'd have to see the declassifieds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jets break them. Yeaah. Yeaah, what do they call it? Hypersonic or something? Yeaah, something crazy. Yeaah, they're like, the ones they're predicting will come will be like five times the speed of sound pretty soon. Jesus. So that's what they're predicting is coming up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually a lot, he wrote it in 2009. Wrong. He wrote it in 2000, obviously he's not going to be thing for thing, but he's been- What's his background?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is in private intelligence, so he, like, people consult with him. He'll, like, kind of help government agencies predict, like, trends. He sees the future, dude. He just knows history, bro. Like, if you know history, like me and George do, you can start to look at trends, like, the 50 year economic cycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is going to be total chaos. Uh, so it's like a fucking- Economic cycles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. It's coming to me. Dude, the books are haunted the next hundred years. Everyone's been asking me for it. It's so good, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there was like 10, allegedly I think like 9.7 million dollars to the truckers who go fund me and go fund me. Took the funds away and we're like, oh, that's like terrorist stuff. Didn't give the truckers their funds. That's not gonna stop the truckers. I love to starve out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo. Yo, and I, I'll say this right now, if fucking YouTube's on some shit and gives us a strike for talking shit on Canada, shame on you, dude. Yea, shame on you motherfuckers. If YouTube struck us down for like, basically saying that, you know, Trudeau struck down the workers, the laborers. But isn't this facts? Or no, it's a legend right now? I work for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the thing, for sure the money from what I heard got snagged from GoFundMe. Again, this could be Republican Super PAC, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're dig rappers. Quomos. They're Quomos, dude. They're full of Vitos, full of Quomos. Yea, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's crazy. Yea, I was hauling. Yo, those things aren't as like, a foam pit's not as like, oh I can land anyway in this as you think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. They're kinda scary. Yeah, they're scary. I went to a- Okay. I went to a foam pit one time and I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many cigs do you smoke a day, Beezer? Beezer, the reason we called you here today is we're worried about your cigarette smoking and we'd like for you to take our sponsor to save your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got shot. So quick. You exhaustion. You should have just went straight modified from the very, or just done like wall push ups. Put the knee down. It's like dude I got this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hope, dude. Gambling addiction gets people. Sometimes. If they're not using the right app.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it's, I think the, uh, wish macaulay's gonna win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Defensive battle. Bengals are a defensive team, dude. They got a good defense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he was, he was out of the room, so I'm talking shop with the old man being like, you know how it is bro. And the son walks in and I go, oh sorry I was just talking, I was just talking about your dad having sex with your mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was saying dude, but he wanted earmuffs dude, the boy wanted earmuffs and I'm like dude, your dad better be thrashing dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the worst part was I kept hammering on this and they, you know, they obviously were uncomfortable and there was like a little, they got a little worm being like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do you think, do you think that's because girls are inherently greedier because they don't know how to do math?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sir, you have to leave. That's actually kind of a sick move. Yea, I had some rough ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the girls are tough on there, I try to- The girls are ridiculous, they smile at-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what we were just talking about. Yeah, it is. Spud was giving me the rundown. How do you feel about that? You good? That's a good ad, yeah. It's a great ad. It's a good ad. My own brother twisted a knife in my back on the ad read. Yeah, what's going on? Oh, oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, first thing I go to is the uh, mine pyramids with the guy in, with the guy carved into the stone. Oh, clearly in a fucking rocket ship? Yea, clearly in a fucking rocket ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the son of the guy from NBC, George Stougalous. There's George Stougalous and there's George Tsoukalous. Georgio Tsoukalous. Georgio Tsoukalous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not have thought BattleBots would have outlasted XFL. I thought XFL was it. XFL just came back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. He was already in there. In the bathroom. So I knocked. He's like, oh, and then I just left and I hate that. I hate knocking on the door below the bathroom. So I ran away and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, but it was, yea, it was a good sized bathroom. Dude, it was, I mean, the notes were, it wasn't as earthy. You might have a, this was like floral and kind of fruity. It was fucked, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like, it wasn't like one of those like wafters out of the hallway. I thought I was in the clear. You go in and it was kind of faint and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you get your crap out? What'd he say? I'm like, don't apologize bro. I'm like, you did what you absolutely needed to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never, I've tried like several times like, this is the time, I'm like, this is how, I always thought like at some point people have to make a conscious effort to enjoy sports and I've tried doing it multiple times and I'm like, oh god I want to leave so bad. Man. It's so long dude. So long. The crowd is fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I didn't beat, I didn't beat whatsoever. That's my number one thing is when me and Sydney get a room, we share a room, so I'm always worried. Whenever we check in, I feel like people think we're a gay couple, first off of that. We get in and I'm like, hey, uh, yeah, we got here a show here, no funny business here. Every time I'm like, I don't say anything, but in my head I'm like, and we come out of the room together and I'm always like,


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[Assistant] Dude, it's, it haunts me the whole entire weekend. We're just coming out, we check in and I'm like, two queens, two queens. That's what you are. That's what the reservation's under.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was just, it was in a room. It was, I couldn't find where it was. I walked throughout the hotel, just, you know, I went to the gym and I'm still here and I'm like, dude, this is everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I met the bros, I met the bro, no this was uh, that was his after show bro.


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[Assistant] Sorry. He wasn't really, he wasn't sold. That was a real thing.


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[Assistant] Yeah man, we're gonna, we're gonna hit a, the 2020s we're gonna hit like a pretty hard inflation. Interest rates are going up and we're gonna have some pretty high taxation.


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[Assistant] It's 50 year economic cycles. So we gotta do the opposite of Reaganomics basically. Cause we're gonna double down on Reaganomics. It's gonna make everything worse and we're gonna have to do the opposite. I mean just, you'll see. Check me out in 2030. 2030 after that, we're good. Everything's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it'll be for sure. Eastern Europe's gonna- Oh, that's the other thing that's sick too. France and, uh, Germany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, dude, it'll be tight. If Eastern Europe starts to be like, almost like, you know, they'll still have a lot of power, uh, Western Europe, but if they have to start contending with Eastern Europe, that's very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this will be the cap, Austin will be the end of the little boy tour, dude. Little boy, little room tour. They're pretty sick. The little boy tour lasted. It was sick. Three shows. It was sick. That's nothing, baby. That's great. Oh no, that was, yea, when I started stacking, it was fun. They put you in there, they're like, we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's see what the kid can do. Turns out he sells out, bro. Sells out a little. I might do the little boys forever. Just do like 5 shows. Start at 2pm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, none of that's real. None of it's real. None of those things is real. It's crazy. That's the other concerning part. It's like why do you guys want us? It's a Marvel Reddit brain. Did you see that? It's very funny. It's why do you want us to think the war is so cool? Yeah, posted that. The German dude who shared that. Good guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad used to threaten me with that, just be like, if you don't behave, you're gonna look like that kid, and it's like a really pale, orange-teared, orange eyebrows kid. What else would he threaten you with?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, nasty acts, masturbating, that's all he said, he didn't specify. He didn't say masturbating, or he said masturbating? No, masturbating, but he didn't specify, uhm, further. When? Further, or like why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. He hacked into your webcam. He hacked into my webcam. So he said, sometimes your nasty habits can destroy your life. Think about it.


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[Assistant] I'm going to give you charge-less advice. Take control over your online safety. In fact,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no t- I have no intention to dole out advice. You have 42 hours to satisfy these requirements. Sends me some weird link and then says 1,044 US dollars. If I don't get my money within 84 hours, your contact list will see the video clip I shot.


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[Assistant] True. Maybe. I think it's, his name is Andre Padilla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's totally okay. The footage, I was laughing pretty hard at the footage of myself from my selfie camera. Really? Cause I don't beat off on my laptop. Oh, it's your cell phone. It's my cell phone, so it's just my penis isolated and my face isolated on the other side.


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[Assistant] What do I do now? Ralphie's the only one that wouldn't know. Ralphie's the only one that wouldn't see the video. The dog? I know a dude that happens to him in real life. True. That dog's seen you masturbate more than anybody on Earth. My dog is nasty, dude. If the door's open, he'll try to smell my pee pee and stuff like that. Jesus. Geez. Dogs in the family.


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[Assistant] Well, if they don't mind, then I don't mind, but I just don't want to.


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[Assistant] And then someone threw like a bag of shit at a security guard when he's getting kicked out. Let me look up the menu.


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[Assistant] What's the menu? It's gonna be a good menu. The food is kinda standard but he's got some nice drinks.


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[Assistant] I thought he was selling art to various like oligarchs. He was doing all types of wild stuff.


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[Assistant] They got in a fight at the restaurant. No tape of it yet, it just can't come out.


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[Assistant] My name's Colette Black, but when you see me, I'm white.


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[Assistant] I come from a family of penis, dude. Really? My great, my dad's grandfather played piano in the bars. What? That's how he etched out, yea, that's how he made a couple bucks. That's awesome. Great grandpa would play in the fucking saloon. And if, dude, my, my one cousin, I've like, it runs.


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[Assistant] It runs in my family. I have cousins who are just like savants on piano. It's pretty nuts.


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[Assistant] The whole, I think our whole family's autistic. Our one cousin nailed it. She's like, our whole family's, our whole family's in too deep. We're all so autistic, we don't know it. Yeah. But we're in too deep, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I mean, it's, yeah, it's definitely, uh, my family's deep roots of autism, dude. Yeah. Just like feudal autism. Just like, yes, my Lord.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good clans, the ones with the C. Not the bad K clans, dude. Let's not get that twisted. We do not support the Ku Klux Klan. At all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But everyone else is offensive line adjacent though. That's the other thing. Offensive lines are continuum. Yeah. So there's a lot of people who are like just on the verge of offensive linemanship. Yes. So yeah, it's pretty sick. That's definitely the most autistic position in football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. True, true, that makes sense. That makes sense. What would you say the most altist position in football is? Fullback?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, they are. Altists are roleplayers, dude. Altists are roleplayers.


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[Assistant] It reminded me, I was watching, uh, I was watching it last night, and that was like the very beginning of it. He's like, he shows Ku Klux Klan people, and he's like, what do you think of this robe? And everyone's like, racist. And he's like, actually, these are what the priests in Spain wear. Bam, next slide. And I was like, shit, Hanks. He was saying some priests used to wear, like that was a holy gown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he busts out the swastika in the beginning. He's like, actually, this is a chill ass symbol too. He's like, you guys don't know shit.


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[Assistant] Da Vinci code is just, it is stoner knowledge. The whole movie. Dude, anything that popped up, I'd be like, well yeah. And Brittany's like, how do you know this stuff? I was like, psst. Got into the Constantine like early. I got high in fifth grade. Yeah. Well yeah, I sniffed the chalkboard cleaner when I was 10 with my boy. Did you ever huff?


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[Assistant] Cause you, they would spray it in a paper bag and then you huff out of a bag. That's how you knew a huff head dude. You see the rash.


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[Assistant] See that rash, you know that guys, that's bad news, that guy huffs household cleaning products. Sucks nobody huffs anymore. That was an epidemic back in the day. Just people, dude, sniffing gasoline? Sniffing tanks? We got, yo, on the way home we're gonna hit a truck stop. I'm gonna introduce you guys to sniffing some tanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was tight. I got to flex on Brittany with like, Christian, like Roman knowledge. Like, well yea dude, fucking council of Nicaea. Dude it was blowing her mind. How do you know this stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, it's a three hour movie. Bedtimes, bedtimes 9 p.m. DaVinci codes three fucking hours. Bedtimes 9 p.m. Shrek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She does, she does. I lay in bed and listen to audiobooks usually.


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[Assistant] I had, dude, crippling. Yeah, do you ever have constipated diarrhea?


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[Assistant] Dude, I, I couldn't, it was the most insane thing. I was hiding them and I was actually concealing them perfectly under the covers. And she would move and fucking the air would escape. Dude, I was, my farts per hour, I was probably doing 9 farts per hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like for 72 hours, I was like genuinely afraid. She caught me in the middle of me like switching my diet of being like, I'm just eating fucking chicken and brats. She's like, dude, you're constipated, relax. Your whole family does this. You guys go on some weird thing. Just wait. Your butt will be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I was, I spent the whole night just waking up and just like farting loudly on the toilet, just coming back shamefully to bed. She's like, did you go to the bathroom? I'd be like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, it was fucking horrible. I had like Jackson ass. It was like, I had dog ass. Dude, all weekend. And then it gets to the point where you're farting so much that they start bringing up medical shit and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Enough. I don't have fucked up butt stuff, dude. Let it go. Yeah. That was my whole weekend, just watching the DaVinci Code a little bit at a time. Like trapping fucking farts under blankets for my dear life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it all culminated, the bag of yuka fries was a pig out. I think the yuka fries got stuck.


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[Assistant] I don't know what it was, dude. I've been trying to po- I've been doing the DaVinci code on everything I ate. It's like, I think it was the yukifries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I'm trying to get my, the best one, she's like, do you have a Dedic memory? He was like, not really, but I do remember stuff really well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, I just want to see the Mona Lisa dude swap them and she's right next to him. Whoa. You see that? Yea. There's the fucking, there's the wedge. Feminine, that's the fucking, that's the thing dude. The feminine. The V. That's the holy grail dude, the vagina.


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[Assistant] Dude, remember, I don't, did your mom get the thing? I used to talk about it. My mom would get the newsletter. The Catholic Standard in Times.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, yea. It's like an age fact. Like a gas station. Yea, my mom used to get the fucking newsletter, so any movie that came out, my mom would get like the catholic yes or no on it, and it would be like teenagers holding hands, big warning. Dude, if they did, if they rated like, uhm,


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[Assistant] Only when I'm in a hotel, cause it, like when you're in a hotel, you have to watch whatever's on. Veggie Tales came on. We watched it.


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[Assistant] Yeah man, the, uh, yeah, if my mom, if that, if euphoria had been filtered through the Catholic, like, leaflet on what's okay to watch, it would've, it would've like incinerated it. Yeah. I mean, I had a tough time.


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[Assistant] Gardini said he's been watching sex with college students.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think it's, I think it's one of those things where it's like, there's a, there's a definitely a handful of women who can like go out and just have sex with hundreds of people and like start like painting in a warehouse and everything's fine. But for the majority of women, I think it kind of fucks them up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably. They have too many boyfriends? Yeah. I read a quote one time, I think, I showed Brittany the quote to see if it was true or not, but she was like, the quote was basically, every time a woman has sex with a man, like, she kind of splits in half. And the more times it happens, it kind of fragments her personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't have too many boyfriends. Why? It's different. It's a whole different experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gets confusing. If you have too many boyfriends, you're like, I don't know what the hell to do.


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[Assistant] They just take a democratic vote of all the people they've ever had. It turns into democracy. Then it's the Senate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listened to almost the entire Will Smith biography this weekend. Yeah. So while I was farting, the whole time I was farting under my blankets, I was just listening to Will Smith's life. Dude, it's fucking wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's, right now he's questing. You gotta listen to his whole biography, but it's like...


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[Assistant] I'm telling you, Will Smith, it's, when you read it, it's like, cause you know, he's just like a dude in a million movies who did a bunch of stuff and then you heard like his wife cheated on him and everyone just went like, haha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my reaction, being like, what? And it's being like, heh. It's just, it's for some reason it's funny too to watch a mega celebrity slide into almost being like ironic. He became a joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of, you know, not to slam Big Willie because now I feel connected after his autobiography. But like he went from like the best like crushing, he like talks about it, blockbuster record breaking shit where like he could not miss and it caused problems in his family life.


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[Assistant] Fantastic. He's a fantastic actor. It's, when you listen to the book, he bare, he just lets it all out, dude. And it's like, it's like you didn't know any of this stuff about him. Like dude, like the whole thing, like oh, Fresh Prince, I was running with some bad guys. He was getting the shit kicked out of him, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, he was apparently like, he was saying he was like, his dad would like, beat the shit out of his mom. He was a compulsive liar too. There's a point, there's a point later in the book where he like, says a memory, then he's like, so he builds this whole thing up, then he's like, yea, I told my mom that story, it's like that never happened. He's like 40 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he got like tied in with like, when his music blew up, he lost, he was like broke when he was doing the Fresh Prince.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? He was hanging out with like, what is it, junior black mafia dudes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea dude, he like, it's dude, it's insane. He was like, he had a mansion, he got cuckolded early on in life as well. By his like, original girlfriend and that like fucked him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cheated on. Yeah. Oh wait. Oh no, no, no. Jesus Christ. Just cheated on. Okay. But I think he, I think he uses the term cuckolded or something. Yeah. He uses cuckolded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's like cucked light. Yeah, that's how you end up a cuckold, like a, like a biological cuckold. But when you get cheated on, you've been cuckolded. He was like in my young cuckolded mind. He said some kind of phrasing like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. And he was crushed, he was like, traveling, touring, all this stuff, and all the dudes were getting pussy, and he was like, no pussy, I love, he's a lover boy. He's like, I love my wife, I just want the perfect life. And he came back, and she just like, he was like a global sensation, she fucked a dude, and she like sold clothes in a store.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck some light skin mother fucker dude. Of course. Green eyed light skin mother fucker dude. I heard that I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what he said basically. That's what he said, some light eyed, motherfuck, green eyed, light skinned motherfucker dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, it's the book, it is, it's interesting to listen to, and it's co-written with Mark Manson, who's the subtle art of not giving a expletive. Really? So there's all these little things, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's read by Will Smith, there's a lot of like, kind of like, cheesy shit, kind of, but if you can just listen to it, it's very interesting. I couldn't put it down, dude. I couldn't take my earbuds out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there was one part in it that was possibly the most disturbing part. Cause like, he has a lot of insight into his younger childhood. You can tell he's working with therapists and he's like, well this was because of this and you're listening to it like, oh that's kind of insightful. And then as like the years go by,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like newer stuff that hasn't been processed as fully. So he like, he's talking, he's like talking about him and Jada's relationship. And at one point, there's a story he tells, that he's like, yeah man, I did a, he's like, I'm a prankster. So I did this prank on Jada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, she doesn't think it was funny. I think it's the funniest thing ever, but like I'll leave it to you guys to decide once and for all. And he's like, you know, he's like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, here's what happened. And he was like, so I brought me and Jada had been together for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it was like a couple months, it was still fresh. Prince. True. So she was gonna meet his grandmother.


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[Assistant] And so he flew his grandmother out to California, LA where he was living. And he has this thing where he like knows how long it takes for anyone to get to play. He like times people in his head. So he's like, it'll take her 47 minutes to get where she's from her house to my house.


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[Assistant] Dog balled on camera. And it was like a long movie, you know movie sex is just like, ugh, a guy like thrusts and comes immediately. This was like a fucking like, ridiculous, what was that funny movie where they had like, they made fun of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so he puts it on, and she walks in and just goes like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] And then like, they sit there, the whole thing, but the grandmom's kind of going like this, and this is the weirdest part where he was like, babe. He's like, and this is him describing, he's like, babe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is perfect for us. This is perfect for us. This is a memory. This is the best. You're gonna laugh. She's like, this isn't funny, this is fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No! Babe! He like does, he'll do these things and be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's perfect for us. This is a memory. Yea, he's just fucked up. He's a famous person. Yea, but it was like that. Famous people are fucked up. Yea, but that was a part of the book. I was like, you know, he's pretty hyper competitive. And it was like, are you sure you weren't punishing her for having that sex scene? Definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that was the, for me that was like the part of it where I was like, woah dude, that didn't get fully processed. He was like, anyway, I thought it was funny, she didn't. It was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a joke dude. But I will say he does lay it all out there.


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[Assistant] He has to understand the bro-ship is here. It's like bro, we're with you. That sucks. Don't put that on for your grandmother and your baby.


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[Assistant] I hear it. It was just so funny to watch. Maybe, again, maybe he does think it's funny on some level, but I was watching it just like, listening to, I got like, I was at the gym listening to it and I just went like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, still goat move. I'm sure she never did that shit ever again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, uh, yeaah, that was a deep, that was a deep fucking, that was a deep attack. Well, you know, ultimately though, aw dude, and then so,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then we watched the interview. So I'm, I'm just like, I'm deep into Will Smith's mind the whole weekend. I'm just watching this shit being like, it was interesting the fact that he was at the height, the pinnacle of an actor's career, pretty much, you know, as big as a person could get. And he was like, miserable as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when he did After Earth, his family, he was just like, you know, on just go mode, go, go, go. You know, his family wasn't really too happy about it. And he was married to an actress who, that's a fucked up dynamic. When somebody's like global sensation, she got so fucked up she eventually started a happy metal band. She had what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She did? Yea dude. Wicked wisdom. Jada started heavy metal man. Wicked wisdom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that the sex scene? Set it off? Who was it with? No, who was the sex scene with? Was it really set it off, the sex scene? Thank you, no. Damn, no, that's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he has a formula for movies where you need to have creatures, a love story, and special effects. Those are the things that sell, ultimately. That was initially he did that. MIBs, Independence Day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was his, his manager read like 500 scripts and was like, this is the formula for blockbusters. Special effects, creatures, and a love story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's stuck in your head. It's a marketing, dude, it's a marketing genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he would go do movies like that and then he would cut a track and then that would get more press and all that stuff. Dude, it was, the weirdest part was is when, A, because there was a whole thing of like, within the acting realm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he's at a party basically and it's like damn, Jamie Foxx must have felt like a loser in front of Will Smith. It goes into a lot of that kind of psychology. I was like there's actors and there's superstars. You could've been in like all these movies and you're just like, yeah, guy's kind of a fucking nobody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, dude, it was fucking crazy, but that's, so he got to the peak of the mountain. His family started disintegrating cause his, his, you know, just cause of like the crazy work schedule, all this other stuff. So he was like, all right, you know, his willow got in to whip my hair back and forth. She quit halfway through tour. She was like, all right, I'm done. He was like, what the fuck? No, no, it can't be done. But she quit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hair, hair back and forth. They played it during the audiobook. I was like, this was the, this song did rule. This song did rule. Yea Jay-Z was in that deal apparently too. I think Jay-Z was like managing Willow and then Willow just cut all of her hair off. I was like, I'm not done. I don't like tour.


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[Assistant] But it was cool, but to answer your question, he does eventually get into kind of like...


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[Assistant] I think he got cucked for all of us dude. Cause it's like if he can get cucked you can't feel bad. There's nothing else you can do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got cocked for us, dude. Cause any- if you get cocked, it's like, yea well, Will Smith got cocked. You can't do any more than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, that was back when like nobody sucked dick though. So if you were sucking dick back then, you were a fucking attraction. I didn't, I used to work for like a 75 year old dude and he would be like, dude, like out of like 15 of your boys, maybe two of you would get hand jobs in high school. He's like, you gotta find like a fucked up girl to give hand jobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you, that was like an unspeakable act back then.


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[Assistant] True. Unless you're married. Even if you're married, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for a warm up. Just to, it's just there to kind of grease the wheels of like marriage induced erectile dysfunction. That's it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You probably could roast Franklin so hard, dude. In fact, those dudes roasting him probably


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[Assistant] Dude, they're probably over there like, you're a portly fellow. And you're just like, alright motherfuckers.


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[Assistant] Damn dude, that's fucking nuts. It is funny how that stuff plays into it. Now we should avoid words. Someone's like, bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When did the Revolutionary War start? Like, didn't they learn from Native Americans how to like hide behind trees and like kind of sneak attack? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was reading that book when you called me, I was reading Indian Boyhood. Oh, that's right. I didn't get too far into it, but it's about a dude who grew up as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As they were being, it was a sue, as they were being like chased, dudes would come through their camps and like they'd be chilling in like a spot, like alright we got some buffaloes, and dudes would just come through and start murdering them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At one point they were like trying to get, they dedicated like a few months to just like hacking up trees and making maple syrup. And at one point like the young boys are supposed to sit there and watch the embers. And like there was like a superstition if like somebody wasn't watching the fire, I mean it makes sense something bad could happen. But at one point they like, they came out, somebody screamed or something happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're right around, yep, they're right around Minnesota crossing to BC when things get hot and come back down. But at one point, like the ant...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a part where they were chilling on their teepee at one point and...


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[Assistant] Dude, it just got like lit. Some of the Indians started getting guns and shit too. So the one guy was like, he was trying to hunt some buffs. Or he was trying to hunt a deer. Cause they were like post up near a herd of buffalo. And that was, you were good, you were good for months. But some guy took a gun and tried to shoot a deer and all the buffalo just like dispersed.


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[Assistant] So like back then the Indians would come, they would kill you for that. Cause like, you know, people are gonna starve to death.


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[Assistant] So then they came up and they fucking just like littered up this dude's tent. They got gats and they just start, they go to your teepee and be like, ba ba ba ba ba. So you had to like get away from that. You were just getting attacked constantly.


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[Assistant] Then when you were little, they'd put you on dogs. They were like dog sleds. But every now and again, the dogs weren't like horses, like the dogs would just kind of...


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[Assistant] Like when you were a little kid, your dogs would just be like, it was the summer, they would veer into rivers. Your dogs would just get bored and just jump into a river and your kids would be in there. It's like dude, he was like a couple times they ended up in the river. Yeah. The dogs are just like, fuck it dude, let's play. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah man. Which is very funny. And they didn't fully train them, so like you'd be on the thing with your little sister and your sled would just go right into a river.


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[Assistant] And it infuriates me. And there's nothing you can do. Like I've tried reasoning with him, rewarding him, putting his face in it. I've been like, dude this is just a memory bro, this is good for us. Yeah man, you can't, that's tough to actually like survival wise rely on dogs.


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[Assistant] Is there a Minnesota river or something? Probably. There's one river they went through that was apparently, they were saying it's the toughest river. The dude's grandmother, dude, this lady was like 65, swam across it. Cause they would make like shitty rafts. And she was like, nah, fuck that. And this lady just swam. Crossed it twice. Pretty nasty.


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[Assistant] Apparently people were so wildly in shape back, like you'd walk like 40 miles and be like, eh. So.


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[Assistant] Yea, but he was saying, he lost it all. He was like, dude, now it's like. Now he's a soft bitch, writing books. He had indian boyhood, but he was like, it was tight. But you saw my lacrosse games, they were sick.


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[Assistant] It was, yeah, they're fucking, it was like, they'd be playing like, like, literally, he's like, you couldn't see.


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[Assistant] It would get so dusty. Oh, you mean a dust, literal dust up. And you say just one dude would break from the dust cloud and like score and they'd be like, yeah, that's awesome.


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[Assistant] And his, luckily his mother-in-law got a hold of him. Cause his, his, uh, his, yeah, his mom's mom, no, his dad's mom wanted to just like, she was like, I'll hold him, I'm not feeding him, cause obviously this dude's a bad omen, I'll let him just die and I'll throw him away. But the mom's mom was like, no, I'll raise him.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and they had a redeemed, so he, I didn't get to the part where he redeemed himself, but like another kid with a shitty name got like named winner after like his tribe won lacrosse game, like we'll name you winner. So it was like sick.


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[Assistant] For the Native American culture, I suck penis. I suck penis without money. No money, uncle will suck. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that's fucking sick. They had bad names. Dude, your mom dies at childbirth and they're like, your name's Dork. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So yea, you only eat two meals a day. If you're a strict Indian warrior, two meals. That's it.


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[Assistant] Okay, no, what was your lunch? Actually, I'll tell you because he's off mic. He had a hot dog.


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[Assistant] You gotta start, you did cowardice. Nooo. You gotta go demand a fresh sizz, dude.


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[Assistant] It was funny, the distinction, the gluttony fuel distinction is very nice. Is this fuel or is this gluttony? Dude, a turkey chi, lean turkey chi fuel.


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[Assistant] Well they're trying to cure covid, that's probably a nationwide response, like just diet ice teas, guys, we can't have more people croaking. From the Omicron, bro?


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[Assistant] He's crew cut cause everyone made fun of his long socks. I didn't know there was anything between ankle and like up to your knees.


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[Assistant] Also, I was gasping because I saw a Gardini socks and it's like bro, I might, I actually think I like the knee highs. I'm more of a Vato bro.


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[Assistant] I get startled. I used to get like, for days afterwards, genuinely spooked and like. Yea, I remember that. I used to do that too.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not too scared of demons and what not now, but it's like, you know, I go into the full darkness of my basement now and I'm just fully just kind of like... Basements are scary. Dude, it's scary as hell. Told you what I did, embarrassingly not that long ago. I would just sit down in my basement and just conquer the fear and sit in the darkness. Oh nice. And just fucking just not be freaked out.


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[Assistant] I still am a little speedy if I fucking get out of there, but yea, I like made myself sit in the darkness cause, you know, you can't be scared of the dark when you're 35.


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[Assistant] I'm talking about the darkness dude. I'm scared of the boogie man. Dude, when I get, when I get, when I'm in the darkness now, I used to be kind of, I get kind of like scared. Not scared, but like, ah man, a demon could get me right now. Now I, I, when I can't see anything, it's pure darkness, I go in pure spirit realm, where I'm just kind of like, ah yes.


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[Assistant] Pretty much, exactly. I'm not afraid of you guys, I'm like fun. I basically blind them with light. When I get, when I'm in, like if I'm like walking from like my stairway, Christmas lights kind of help because my whole stairway is lit up now.


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[Assistant] It is nice, but if you're, if you're having maybe a disagreement with your babe and you're fighting around Christmas lights, dude, when you fight, they can turn in from like a very cheerful thing to like an intensely mentally sinister. Yeah. Bummed around. This is my home.


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[Assistant] Yeah, when you get bummed around a Christmas tree and you're just like looking at it kind of sad, like that can be tough, but obviously you have to just get in the spirit of Christmas. I know I've told this story before, but one


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's fun. That'll take out the fucking Christmas spirit. But then you get to do the whole rebuild and like, come on guys, let's pick this thing back up together.


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[Assistant] I didn't realize that till college, my uncles would like spaz on the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm like, why do you like the Chiefs that much?


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[Assistant] As soon as he came in, he would look, if the dog was in the kitchen, he would fucking, as far, as hard as he could, beat the shit out of it. That's really terrible. Kick the dog as hard as hell.


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[Assistant] This is back in the day, dude. It was totally acceptable. You just beat the fuck out of your dog. It was a full boot. Boom! And his wall came to be like, what's up gang, I'm back. He's a full fucking kid. Hey everybody. Hey everybody. Did you all do your homework?


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[Assistant] Yeah, mccuskers are sadly gluttons, dude. I've been fighting my food demons for a long time. It's probably why I have, uh, constipated diarrhea. Let's see here. Oh God, we'll get into this in the next one.


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[Assistant] True, I'd be sick if you flew from St. Louis. It's a small room, so if it's not full, I mean, I, you know, I would...


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[Assistant] Although that's more of a simian response of just kind of like a la la la. Like when monkeys see a snake, they have a, yeah. Uhm, Indianapolis, it's February, what you got February 4th and 5th?


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[Assistant] And then Austin, Texas, dude, 318. That'll be the homecoming, man. That's my last show. My last live show, probably.


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[Assistant] For a few months. Got something cooking on the home front.


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[Assistant] Go fuck yourself. I rank the Iranian hostages.


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[Assistant] Got to take credit for the- Carter, more than anything, wanted to free the hostages before-


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[Assistant] He left office and he actually did that. He was up all night for several nights. He was haggard. There's a great story about the day of Reagan's inauguration that Carter went to get him. That's the tradition.


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[Assistant] Is the sitting president goes and collects the new president and takes him, escorts him. So the story was that he went to


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[Assistant] Uh, Reagan's hotel room where he was staying and ho- and him and Nancy were...


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[Assistant] Is that you eat an apple and you wait an hour and then you throw it up.


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[Assistant] Because it creates a gravel in your throat. It gives you this texture. He learned this from Nancy Reagan. It's only one way that a woman would learn this trick is because she's fucking bulimic. One day she ate an apple, she threw up, and then she's like, I sound great. So the next time she worked with Sinatra, she's like, you know what you should do, Frank? And she spread it as like a trick of the trade.


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[Assistant] That was Nancy Reagan, she probably did it with cum too, I don't know. Yeaah, I think she did it with cum.


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[Assistant] These people are all dead, so it's fine. But so Nancy and Ron, this was, Jimmy had this, Jimmy Carter had this in his unsleeping, had this little observation.


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[Assistant] So Reagan, and I heard this, my, my legend, so who knows which one's real. Uh, but Reagan was a fascinating president, two terms, uhm, there was a, oh,


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[Assistant] Yes, he would, Nancy Reagan said, just say no, which was hated because people were addicted to drugs.


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[Assistant] Uh, also AIDS started with Reagan and Reagan, I mean, he's, he was the first age he fucked the monkey. He fucked Bonzo. He fucked the monkey. Bonzo, bedtime for Bonzo. He fucked Bonzo. That's where Bonzo, bedtime for Bonzo comes from? He goes, Nancy, I think I got AIDS from Bonzo.


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[Assistant] So Reagan, uh, he was, eh, there's a piece of footage of Reagan. There's a documentary about Huckleberry Finn.


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[Assistant] And it's about how it gets banned and then re-bought, re-found and banned throughout history. Huckleberry Finn has been banned by liberals who don't like the n-word and then, uhm, conservatives who don't like whatever they have from it. It just keeps going back and forth.


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[Assistant] And Mark Twain has some quote where Mark Twain said, uh, I knew when I created Huck he'd get in trouble his whole damn life. Like, he knew that this was gonna happen.


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[Assistant] Okay, so there's a character in the, in Huckaberry Finn. I'm gonna say his name, his name was Wow Wow. That was his name. Now, now this won't be on YouTube. It'll just get, it'll just get. Yes. Yes. So.


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[Assistant] Uhm, there's a, there's footage of Reagan, uhm, uh, doing some tribute to Mark Twain. And like, whatever he's doing, he's opening a center or something. And he says, uh,


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[Assistant] He goes, and who could forget the wonderful stories of Huckleberry Finn and his friend, uh, uh, Jim. And you can see him look off.


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[Assistant] You know, his whole cra- he was a president of SAG and then he was a governor of California. Hated hippies. Just fucking hated him so much.


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[Assistant] George Harrison, there's an interview with him where he went to hate Ashbury. He's like, I heard they're all, and he was like, they were just disgusting drug addicts. So yes, hippies are gross. They always were.


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[Assistant] So, Reagan, I mean, there's so much about Reagan, for fuck's sake. Two terms and George Bush was his vice president. Cold War.


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[Assistant] Cold war, you know, Mr. Gorbachev take down this wall. Yes. And, um, he called, uh, the soviet union, the evil empire. And then there was that crazy, uh, when they went to Ricky Vic, like they got really close. He did have an obsession.


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[Assistant] With bringing down the proliferation of nuclear weapons. It was something that he cared about.


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[Assistant] And so they had a treaty, they had a shot at a treaty. Um, and they went flew to Reykjavik Iceland, the two of them. And it was this exciting time.


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[Assistant] And it looked like something worse might happen, but Gorbachev was a, was an interesting dude, you know, something interesting was going on. They're different from the other guys. But so Reagan, um, trying to remember the thing I was going to say about him. He, um, um,


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[Assistant] Fuck. Well, he was shot and I remember-


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[Assistant] It was like, it's a nightmare scenario. Reigen is a nightmare scenario. It's the end of all things.


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[Assistant] Not that, but you know, he was there. So a lot of people made connections with that shit. But people hated Ronald Reagan before he was president. When he won, I remember my mom being deeply disturbed by it. And uhm, and so there was this feeling he's not a good guy. We have a bad president.


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[Assistant] From some people's point of view. And then other people, you were very aware, fucking loved the guy.


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[Assistant] I mean, so much, and the, his, the mask, the rubber mask of him, what became a thing.


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[Assistant] And, uh, SNL was making fun of him and all this stuff, but, um, there were these people that just absolutely, they loved Reagan without any reason, without any, and some people were on his side, all kinds of stuff, but there's a lot of Democrats who just couldn't stand the guy.


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[Assistant] But, you know, life went on. And then when he got shot, I went to my friend Jeff Drew's house and he said that the president just got shot.


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[Assistant] And these are two foot things I remember watching on live tv again now later.


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[Assistant] One was that and one was Amor Sadat being assassinated. The, uh, uh, whatever president of, I'm sorry, but I don't remember if it was fucking Egypt or Israel, but it was, uh, Sadat was killed and I was watching it on the news live.


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[Assistant] I don't, well, there was later, somebody got shot in Israel. Yeah. I'm fucking up all the names. Yeah. That was when Clinton was president. So Amr Sadat was on a military, they were having a parade and there was troops marching in front of him and they turned around and fucking.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's probably right. That sounds about it. I mean, it was, through hand grenades, it was his guys. And they turned around and just riddled, there was a bunch of guys like at a dais, like a whole bunch of dignitaries.


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[Assistant] And said, I mean, someone watching, there was a special report. That used to be a big thing.


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[Assistant] of a guy just watching the fucking parade and then the lens goes down and then he goes up on the bandstand and you see a guy holding his own arm


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[Assistant] Of blood and stuff and muscle and he's holding it in these days, like ask, asking people walking by like, what do I do with my arm? Like that kind of thing and just blood. I mean, I saw, I was a kid and I saw that on TV.


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[Assistant] And the other thing was Reagan had just been shot when I got to Jeff's house. And we sat down and we watched that footage, 20,000, you know, of him like dumb.


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[Assistant] And you know, he got thrown into the limousine. And Hinkley, his own guy, jumped on him. Yeaah. Didn't he kill one of the guys?


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[Assistant] He, uh, James Brady took, who was the press secretary, took one to the head, and was like this for the rest of his life, and the Brady Bill was this big gun, his whole life became about gun control. The Brady Bill was started by his family, by, by James Brady, who was Reagan, Republican, conservative, Reagan's, uhm, press secretary. He was his spokesman.


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[Assistant] Very, very brilliant guy who suddenly was like this and talked like that and he would make speeches and his wife would help him. The Brady Bill was like, we, of course.


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[Assistant] This. Because it was in a lot of Republicans were in favor of it.


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[Assistant] But the NRA was just a motherfucker. There was no way to, to pass it. Uhm, you looking up James Brady?


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[Assistant] This guy's not done. He's got his chance. He's still building his brand.


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[Assistant] That he had, there's the, these are the legends. He had, uh, dinner at George Bush's house, uh, apparently like a couple of weeks before he shot the president. No.


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[Assistant] Look up John Hinckley and the Bush family. Their families were linked. The Hinckleys, I think, gave money to the Bushes or something like that, but apparently Hinckley was a guest in a Bush house.


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[Assistant] An alarmingly short amount of time, uh, before he shot President Reagan. And...


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[Assistant] A very interesting thing about it is that George Bush was where? When he was, when Reagan was shot. You know where George Bush was? When Reagan was shot? Texas. He was in Texas. The thing about Texas- Wasn't he in Dallas when Kennedy got shot? That's what folks say. And he was at like, Texas is this place to like, like it, it feels like- He was skull and bones.


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[Assistant] Uh, was a power nerd, and he was a guy who really hated Reagan.


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[Assistant] Yes. How's your son? How's your, how's your boy John?


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[Assistant] Oh, I gotta tell you, he's troubled. Troubled, is he? Yeaah, I don't know what's going on with him. Maybe I should have a talk with him.


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[Assistant] I'm just really in love with Jodie Foster. I know that's weird, but I'm in love with Jodie Foster. Well, you know, son, you can't just sit on your, on your keister. You gotta do something. I mean, what could you do to get her, you know, well, how should I get, I wrote her letters. I wrote hundreds of letters. Ah, girl like that. She's famous. You gotta do something. Everybody, for everyone to see.


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[Assistant] I mean, if you were to do something to some, you know what they say. Now was, was, was, uh, was Lennon dead yet?


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[Assistant] Lenin was 1980. He was shot in December. And when was Kennedy, I mean, Kennedy, when was Reagan shot? When was Lenin shot? Important dates.


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[Assistant] So Reagan was shot in 81. So right after, uhm, fuckin' Chapman, David Chapman, killed, uh, Lenin. Yeah. And he said, the Beatles changed the world, and I changed the Beatles.


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[Assistant] He said, Beatle changed the world and gosh, they sure did.


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[Assistant] And I changed the Beatles. That's what he said. So I don't know. I mean, a fella could find someone who's really changed in the world. I don't know. I mean, anyone, you know, Stevie Wonder, Ronald Reagan, and Ronald Reagan, and maybe take


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[Assistant] Anyway, so yeaah, so Hinkley was like, I don't know why you're talking about that, but I know what you're saying. And so then he went to his bedroom and he looked in the drawer and he found a gun. He's like, where's this gun come from?


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[Assistant] You know you have to do some. Yeah, so if you're the vice president and you have anything to do with the president being shot, you need to be in Texas because if there's any sort of like,


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[Assistant] We're, we have word that vice president, whatever, and then the governor of Texas is like, we're not extraditing him. Like the one place he might be able to hole up and maybe even stage a coup from. He's like, no, we're, we're the Republican Texas now. Like it could work. So Bush is in Texas and he refuses to come to Washington. It was a big deal.


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[Assistant] Because he just should have taken and taken over, but he refuses to come to Washington.


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[Assistant] But he stayed away. He stayed. And it got really chaotic, as we all know. It was a great movie. How long was Reagan out?


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[Assistant] Uhm, I think a few days, but Nancy, so there's an amazing movie made by HBO called The Day the President Was Shot. Richard Crenna plays Reagan and Richard Dreyfuss plays Alexander Haig. And it's like a comedy in a way, but anyway, uhm.


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[Assistant] When Nixon was in the, in the, uh, I mean when Reagan, you know, Reagan, they drove him to George, there's a hospital that's for the President. First of all, the cottage, the White House, they have an emergency room, they have everything there. But he was bleeding, he was spitting blood.


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[Assistant] And then he, and then he thought his bodyguard jumped on him and then he said, I think you broke my rib. He, that's what he thought happened. He said, I think you broke my rib. So they, so they, they were going to go back to the white house to get him looked at. But then, uh, then he started spitting lots of blood.


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[Assistant] And so they went straight to George Washington Hospital, which was just a fucking homeless people out front and the fucking limousine by itself just screeches up and they brought a gurney, but the president said, I'm not going in on my back. You're not doing that. What? It's true. And he walked in.


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[Assistant] And then he, as soon as he got, as soon as he got inside. Yes, he crumbled. And, uh, they got him on the, uh.


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[Assistant] And they said, Mr. President, we're going to put you under. We have to get this bullet out of you. And it was an exploding bullet. So the doctors were all in danger.


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[Assistant] Hinkley. He's an exploding bullet. What? And it was next to his heart. It was like leaning against his heart like this.


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[Assistant] And so the doctor said, we gotta get this bullet out of you, so I'm gonna put you under now. And he said, I hope that you guys are Republicans. And the doctor who was not a Republican said, Mr. President, today we're all Republicans. And he saved his life. But he was extremely


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[Assistant] I mean he was on death's door for a few days. Now,


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[Assistant] The White House has Alexander Haig saying, I'm in charge here at the White House. He was the Secretary of State. He had no business saying that. He was like, by the, he made up this thing by the laws of succession, I would be next. It's like, no, no, you're like 20th down.


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[Assistant] And meanwhile at the, at the hospital, Nancy's there with the chief of staff and there was a battle between the White House and the guys at the hospital.


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[Assistant] So they needed to prove that Reagan was functioning as a president. So they needed a photograph and they needed him to do a piece of business. So they had, uh, the dairy bill and some bill that's like for dairy subsidies that needed to be signed. Jackpot for those guys. Yes.


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[Assistant] The milk people did the whole thing. For another 15 cents on a fucking carton of milk. So...


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[Assistant] Nancy got enlisted and they said, you need to do this and you need to handle them like you handled them in the movies.


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[Assistant] And so she put makeup on his face and she like slaps him. Ronnie, you gotta wake up. And they have, and they leaned his bed up like this and she just kept trying to wake him up. And this is all in the movie done very well, but it's true. And they took a picture of him like, like a really weird picture that I think did more harm than good.


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[Assistant] Is a great pic, one great picture is very rare to find of Reagan. He had like, he had many operations. He was a very sick and dying old man. He had some brain, like something taken off his brain or something. So he had had his, half of his head was shaved.


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[Assistant] And it won't, and he was coming out of the airplane and he had a baseball cap on and he went like, like this. Oh no. And Nancy's going.


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[Assistant] It was funny. Half his head is shaved. It's creepy. I, I, I saw that picture once. I never saw it again.


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[Assistant] Uh, so anyway, Reagan survived, obviously, and then that just was a massive lift. Yeah, I was a kid and my mother hated Reagan and I was just like, yeah, good, you know, good for you, you know, everybody was happy for him. Yeah, there it is. There it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Using, there were still some hostages in Iran and they were offering the Iranians weapons in exchange for hostages and money. And then they were going to use the money to, uh, fund the Contras.


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[Assistant] And uhm, in El Salvador. Yeaah. And it was all done by this guy, Oliver. North? North, yeaah. Uh, Colonel Oliver North. It was Reagan, it was dirty, it was a dirty Reagan thing. And Reagan said, I take responsibility for it. Because I'm not sure what I remember that I was told about this and we're looking into it.


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[Assistant] Make no mistake, it's my responsibility. Nobody does that anymore. So he did that and that kind of got him through it. And it made people believe that he was really looking into it and then they pinned it all on this guy who I remember his hearings was the biggest deal since Watergate.


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[Assistant] I ran Contragate, that's what they, that's the first thing that they gate, that they said gate about. And...


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[Assistant] Uhm, Oliver North was, he said, he said somebody pitched this idea to me of the missiles, and he said I thought it was a neat idea. And when everybody heard him say that, it became plausible.


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[Assistant] That this fucking dummy did, he just was stupid and crazy and he did it. He later ran for governor of Virginia as a Republican.


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[Assistant] Might be West Virginia, I'm sorry, but Chuck Todd, who was that lieutenant that sent the tape to...


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[Assistant] Linden Johnson's son-in-law who was thought to be the next great, he was supposed to be the next Kennedy, but he had a bad coke habit. But, but he was cool enough to be a Senator. He was Senator.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's a documentary about him running against Oliver North.


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[Assistant] Decided after all this shit had happened, he's going to run and it teaches you something about presidential politics. That's why I'm bringing it up.


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[Assistant] So Chuck Todd was a Democrat. He's like one of these guys you have now, you know, just a machine Democrat. Like there's a scene in the documentary where.


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[Assistant] A reporter asks him, what do you think of, uh, furlough programs in prisons? And he goes, what? I don't, I didn't, I didn't make a, I didn't say anything about, I haven't said anything about that. And he goes,


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[Assistant] I'm just asking your opinion. And he goes, well, I, I, I, I appreciate the work that everybody has done. And he walks away. And the guy's like, I can't even get an opinion out of this guy. That's who's running, right? He's a tool. And he's the Democrat.


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[Assistant] And then Oliver North, he announces his candidacy in a black church. All black ladies. And he's this notorious guy. And he says, he says,


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[Assistant] I've made terrible, terrible mistakes in my life. When you hear the black women, oh, yeah, don't forgive him. And he goes, and I'm a bad man. I've been a bad man.


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[Assistant] There's one thing I love and that's the people of West Virginia. He starts crying. Oh my God. Love him. They love him and he's winning the fucking, he's going to be a center center. Big deal.


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[Assistant] And then right at the end of the documentary, Clinton, who is just sweeping the country, comes in and spends like two days just going, you got, you, you know, Chuck Todd is the only man in this, and he just, and the black women love Clinton, and he, he put him over the top. Okay. Reagan gets old. He gets Alzheimer's while he's in office.


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[Assistant] Nancy Reagan very openly talked about this once he was dead because Alzheimer's became her issue.


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[Assistant] And so she didn't mind giving his legacy away because it was more important to take care of the disease. So she gave us some great stories. One of them was that she was at


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[Assistant] Uhm, she was always at meetings and he told a funny story. Heh. And then ate some chicken and then he told it again. Oh no. Told it twice.


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[Assistant] And everyone was there, Ed Meese or whoever the guys and, and she said in his presence, do you guys see this? Does anybody like, do we see what's happening here? Cause she was really concerned.


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[Assistant] You're like, no, no, no. So they started having meetings about it and there's a great story. Reagan's doctor, which you can look it up.


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[Assistant] Uhm, decided it was time to, uh, to talk about it. He examined Reagan and then he went to Reagan's ranch in California.


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[Assistant] And Reagan was chopping wood. He, his body never gave up on him. He was as fucking strong as a piece of oak. He was chopping wood in a red flannel. You could just see this, you know, on his ranch and the doctor comes up and he says, uh,


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[Assistant] He says, Mr. President, I got an issue. He says, some of us think.


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[Assistant] That you might be losing your mental capacities and right now you're okay, but you're declining and I need to know what to do.


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[Assistant] If I perceive that you, cause I can't talk to you once you lose your mind. We can't have this conversation.


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[Assistant] Maybe in a year or so I won't be able to have this conversation with you because you won't be cognizant. So while you're still okay, and I think you are, I need to ask, I need instructions from you. What do I do when I believe that you left the earth? And Reagan just took it as a piece of business, took off his leather gloves and he said, well,


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[Assistant] Speak to Nancy and speak to the Chief of Staff and, uh, the, the head Democrat, the Speaker of the House, whoever was the number one Democrat, get them in a room and make a committee and tell them, I'll do whatever they say.


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[Assistant] And so that didn't end up happening. The second time he won the presidency was a moment for me too as a kid.


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[Assistant] And then when Reagan won the second time, they, he didn't, he wasn't with balloons.


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[Assistant] He was in a hotel room footage you can find of him and they cut to all these Republicans cheering and they cut to him and Nancy on a couch watching on a TV holding hands and they look really upset.


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[Assistant] They're just sitting there and he, and he's literally going like this and it was this, it may have been performative, but the signal was I gotta, I have to do it. It's my duty, but I'm an old, I don't want to do it.


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[Assistant] This is a grave responsibility. He took it seriously and he was frowning when he learned that he won. That was a big character moment. By an actor. Of course. But, nonetheless, it was a big deal.


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[Assistant] So he, Jesse Jackson attacked Cedric the entertainer many years later for a character he played in Barbershop where he says, fuck Rosa Parks. Everyone's sick of hearing about Rosa Parks. It's a really funny scene where he's a black guy saying, I don't give a shit about Rosa Parks. And, uh, Jesse Jackson,


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[Assistant] Uhm, said he never should have said that she's a, you know, uh, you don't touch this woman with your humor. And he's yelled at and Cedric was a religious guy and you know, he was upset.


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[Assistant] And I was pissed off with Jesse, and I just did, once in a while I do this kind of dumb thing. I called the fucking, uh, his, the rainbow coalition, that's his office in Chicago.


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[Assistant] That's good. Yeah, because you know, I sometimes I've called the White House like four times in my life and said, hey, you know, and they say, yes, tell me the thing and they politely take it down. I called Trump when Trump was like not not conceding the election.


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[Assistant] And usually it's like, hello, White House is a switchboard operator. And you say, I want to make a complaint. She says, yes, I'll put you through. They either, you know, they give you a voicemail or they put somebody who just writes down. Thank you very much. They take your comment and you just figure it's one of a trillion.


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[Assistant] White House. And I go, hi, I want to make a complaint. He goes, what? I want to make a complaint. He goes, ah, look, uhm.


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[Assistant] Please just go to the website. Can you just go to the website? And I said, I said, are you okay? And he goes, not great. I swear to God, I had this conversation. He goes, not great. I said, okay, well, I hope you have a better day. He said, thank you. I do appreciate that. So it was, at that point, the White House is in a place where it was like, Trump's like, somebody get the fucking phone. The fucking phone is reading. It was like, nobody's left.


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[Assistant] But, so yea, so Jesse Jackson was running in a great comedian name, Very Criminals.


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[Assistant] I called a radio talk show and spoke to John McCain on the phone once, on the radio. Yeah? What'd you talk?


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[Assistant] He was in New York campaigning campaigning for Bloomberg. He was campaigning for Bloomberg to be mayor.


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[Assistant] Bloomberg was running against Mark Green, who was a firebrand's like anti-establishment guy. And I called McCain and I said, first of all, you should be supporting Mark Green because he's just like you. And he said, I love Mark Green. Like I got him to say, it's like Mark Green is a great guy, but you know, Mike's got it. Mike Bloomberg's got it.


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[Assistant] And I said, uh, also you should run for president. He's like, no, no, no, no, stop. Get him off the phone. I was like, get him off the phone. So that was my, uh, and then later I met McCain at the Tonight Show. I was the lead guest and his daughter was the second guest.


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[Assistant] And I went and his daughter said, my dad wants to meet you. And I went to her.


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[Assistant] And McCain goes, before I say anything, I just want to, I want to pay tribute to Louis CK because he went to the Middle East, put his life in danger to entertain our troops. And how about that? And he got the crowd. Wow. First thing out of his mouth.


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[Assistant] That's fucking cool. And he said that he wanted to exchange numbers because we both read a lot of the same books. He's a great guy. I never got to talk to him.


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[Assistant] So the schoolyard, you look for the biggest kid and you punch him in the nose.


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[Assistant] You might get your ass kicked, but no one else will fuck with you. So in the politics at that time for Trump, it was like, who's the most loved? Who is the most loved man in American politics? John McCain. I'm going to call him a loser. I like the guys who don't get shot down. Yeah.


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[Assistant] From the backstory of every detail I remember about all these guys.


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[Assistant] He engineered his whole life to become president. He had Reagan shot and his father Prescott Bush. Prescott Bush.


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[Assistant] And he traded with the Nazis, like he got censured by the Senate for selling goods to the Nazis back when they were. There's a lot of Americans making money selling shit to Hitler.