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[Assistant] I do. And there's also something to the lighting. This is a weird thing that I- Sure. There is a-


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[Assistant] I don't know why, I haven't investigated this, like why, there is, uh, you could google this too.


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[Assistant] There's like a Italian director named Salieri. S-A-L-I-E-R-I. Yea, I think that's it.


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[Assistant] And I don't know if you've ever seen these, they're like Italian porns, but they're shot with almost like a spotlight. I don't know, I can't even describe it. It looks totally like something you haven't seen before.


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[Assistant] Okay, now, I wanna get back to your thing in a second, but I should say, of course I'm not signing off on...


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[Assistant] All of the aspects of this, cause there's, I think a lot of it's dubbed.


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[Assistant] And there's a lot of hard cuts, it's, it's, but it's just the lighting.


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[Assistant] That feels like just a very intense spotlight. So like the light, it's almost like a religious painting.


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[Assistant] You know, uh, there's one about, you know, the one about, how is that satanic, dude? To say it's a religious painting. Oh, because you're not supposed to have sex or something.


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[Assistant] It's kind of got that feel to it. It's almost like a very intense spotlight and then nothing.


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[Assistant] Because it's just so disproportionate the way that things affect. You can be like, oh I went for a two mile walk, but that doesn't matter compared to that. What? You know what I mean? It was just an example.


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[Assistant] Tiger Woods, you know, he's, he was, that was his whole thing of like constant improvement. That's where he fired Butch Harmon because Butch was like, just keep it the same.


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[Assistant] I guess I thought he was going to win when I heard that he entered and then O'Connor was like, you know, he tried to do this before. And I was like, oh, I didn't know that. I felt like a center, a center Democrat would like run away with this, but I guess not.


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[Assistant] I think Bernie would have the best shot at beating him. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So you gotta tax people. Billionaires, dude. So at a certain point then, if, if they decide to do business elsewhere, then you shrink GDP and nobody even has the money to pay you what you were promised. Wow. Then I'll revolt.


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[Assistant] You see the girl just affected? The Olympic medalist from Taekwondo.


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[Assistant] Out of respect for it. And they were protesting the regime. It was a crazy sight.


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[Assistant] They admitted it, so they lied about it for three days, and this is what's motivating a lot of the revolt. What?


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[Assistant] I said what I wanted to say. Hold on, no, I missed that totally. What happened there? No, no. I'll come back to it later. I want to stick on the Iran thing because I do think it is, and I'm not making light of the death of the people in the play, but there is something funny about the situation of Iran thinking they can lie about it.


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[Assistant] Like it's, it's, it feels like grandparents learning how the internet works for the first time. Where you're like, oh you can't.


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[Assistant] They're like, oh shit, what happened? And then the supreme leader's like, I will just tell the people it's whatever it was.


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[Assistant] Fuck. Cause back that conversation up that Shane just had, there at some point somebody was like, clean it up as fast as you can. And somebody was like, I guess, but you know.


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[Assistant] Hurry up! Clean it up! And somebody's like, but they're gonna find, just get it off the ground! Somebody's out there and then, then there's like two, so there's upper management, like two degrees down, somebody sticks a microphone in their mouth, it's like, what are you doing? It's like, uuuh.


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[Assistant] It is. And I think that everybody wrote off the internet after the Arab Spring because they're like, well see, we tried to have something happen, but I think that was, that was like...


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[Assistant] You gotta give it time. You know, it's like these, the regimes still don't- Gotta give what time? The internet? Yeah. Also, they- For good.


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[Assistant] The fact that you have the president here like tweeting at the Iranian people to be like, I don't know, he tweeted earlier today or it was last night. And he's, I thought it was a good tweet. Everybody's gonna jump on me about this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and you know, said, let your reporters free, which is, you know, something he comes under a lot of, you know, rightfully so criticism. I'm sorry to cut you off.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but then nobody would, you wouldn't need to do it militarily if you brought the price of, you know, solar down to...


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[Assistant] Well I'm saying you don't need to have a death crypt that people will gravitate towards freedom.


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[Assistant] So what you do is you bring the price of solar and all the things that you'd need to come along with it down. Nobody's gonna pay extra for oil.


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[Assistant] I have, I a lot of times now when I'm making decisions about what to do, Shane has made me more aware of transparency about my motivations for doing something. Is that why?


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[Assistant] Is this what you're doing? You know, like that sort of thing. What was your motivation? Well, what I'm saying is about the 300, what was it, 300 million? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] The first thing that would pop into my head would be like, somebody would find out. Therefore I can't do it. But if you were like, no one's ever


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[Assistant] Climate change, which has happened in the past, which will happen again. Sure. We would do something about it.


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[Assistant] Cause I think you're gonna really reject the idea of a technological solution to the problem that we've created.


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[Assistant] But my point to you is, I think a lot of people see man-made climate change and think, oh well we can't, we gotta stop tampering.


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[Assistant] That's how you always feel. Almost none of that is hacker. Some of it's hacker. I do not believe global warming's a hoax. I do not think that nobody should be worried about it. But I do think that there will be a technological solution to it.


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[Assistant] Well, cause I thought your argument was to say, we need to stop making progress, so to speak. We need to like, go back, a lot of people would be like, unplug your microwave, leave zero carbon footprint, that's the way, we gotta live in harmony with nature. Definitely unplug your microwave though.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, if you brush your, you brush your gums too hard? Yeah, I used to in the past.


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[Assistant] We accidentally globally warmed. That is a, you know, we were trying to solve other problems, global warmed a little bit. We're going to need to solve that problem.


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[Assistant] No, I'm just trying. Again, I think I gave you, I thought you were making a different argument than the one you were making. I was trying to come into it.


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[Assistant] Then I need a better example. Then I need a better example moving forward.


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[Assistant] Is it a fact of physics that if you put


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[Assistant] Carbon dioxide into the atmosphere will create a greenhouse effect.


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[Assistant] So if we buy that, then it's just a matter of how far along are we right now.


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[Assistant] But the larger point is, at a certain point if you buy that effect, we'll have to do something about it. So we might as well start figuring it out. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I'm changing the subject. Guys, guess what I've been watching a lot of recently. Chris D'Elia on Shane Ross Rolled His Eyes At Me.


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[Assistant] I did not have too much trouble. The moment he finds something he doesn't like, you say anything, the eyes just drop, they start scanning. They immediately scan. Every second, it's just like, you gotta power through the scan.


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[Assistant] I, the holy, no. You will. I'm looking for it.


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[Assistant] But, go ahead, I have nothing left to say. I'm unfunny. What were you going to say? I want to know.


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[Assistant] No, I was just saying it's when you're around people that are really good at something that


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[Assistant] Shows you, you know, it's like I'm not there, but I want to be good at something. I don't have, like I have the drive to.


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[Assistant] Uh, just, I mean, no, that's just it. I think it's an accurate, uh, you know, it's just an, it's like when you look around, right? It's like your stand up. It's just on a different level. But look at something like, uh, McKeever and the way that McKeever writes or directs something, it's like, alright. And so, that's not it.


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[Assistant] It would probably be ver- no. But I'm saying if I was like John, make it look like this. Salieri? Yea.


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[Assistant] You can hold a brush, you can put tape down. I was trying to do modern art.


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[Assistant] Oh no, because about this like modern art, there was this thing I saw in Ikea, and it was like this, I dunno, modern art looking thing, and I was like, why am I gonna spend money on it? It's just shapes.


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[Assistant] I can just paint those shapes. I ordered a canvas and tried to paint the shapes, but it looks like a three-year-old did it.


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[Assistant] It's so different when you look at the way her shapes overlap.


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[Assistant] The colors, she like paints different colors.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just terrible. And then I painted over it in like white ceiling paint, which didn't cover it. And then I tried to do some, I was like, oh, but that'll look cool if it's under the, it's just. I wonder if it's because you did it and you know you did it and you're like, yeah. This sucks. No, I should have taken a photo, but I'll say you could see enough of it through the ceiling.


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[Assistant] Well, I think also part of that is they're waiting for somebody that has lost a lot to get up and then they go play that machine.


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[Assistant] Not for me. Can't hear anybody. I don't have a voice that travels well. Server's always, what? I'm screaming.


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[Assistant] And navigating all the social aspects around it, because there's so much downtime before you're going up and you've got to meet people. And at your clip in New York doing four shows a night, you're constantly running into people that are coworkers, in fact, and you can't just say like, hey, not tonight. I mean, I guess you can, but.


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[Assistant] First of all, no, not relaxing. Second of all, yeaah, he's a power, he's a power, yeaah, it's constant power exertion.


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[Assistant] I think this is a unique case, I mean it's changed, so it's like, you know.


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[Assistant] What's the context of this? Like what podcast was he on?


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[Assistant] Isn't the whole split, though, supposed to be workers versus the bourgeoisie, so he's cutting a difference between white and black workers? There was an article in the Washington Journal, oh my god, I read it. Not the Wall Street Journal, not Washington Post. No, I'm saying that because people think you're alright because you read the journal.


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[Assistant] There was big pushback from socialists against the New York Times' thing, the 1619 Project.


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[Assistant] But, uh, there's a socialist that disagreed with the 1619 project, saying that by viewing things through a white-black lens, you're missing the actual distinction in the world, which is worker bourgeoisie.


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[Assistant] I'd like to be the guy in a communist system, you know, like the whole thing of to each according to his ability, something according to his means. I'd like to be the guy like determining what your ability is.


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[Assistant] Well, I mean, if you make a statement like that, somebody's gotta decide, right?


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[Assistant] I mean other than that, it's just like, it'll just take everybody at face value. It's like, this is the most I could do.


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[Assistant] Less about the person and more about the collective.


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[Assistant] I think there are some people that do really well engaging with somebody like him. Somebody that has, whether that's Simon's belief or anybody on the


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[Assistant] diametrically opposed side of the political spectrum. There's some people that are very good at engaging, and I think that's, and they have the tolerance to do it. But then I think on the other side, there's just like, hey, make your position more palatable to everybody else. Just go be you, which is what you're doing. And I think that that's, I would have no tolerance to actually engage.


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[Assistant] We in the page, man. It's page time, dude. Let's jump in. Yea.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we got, we got, you know, maybe I will have some anxiety from that last cast.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, I don't think we said anything that crazy.


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[Assistant] I didn't say anything crazy, it's just, like I said, I just, I like to think. It can, it can, that's, that's, that's another thing that really sucks, is like, if you even touch these topics. Yeah. It's like.


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[Assistant] Oh yea. Oh bro, our culture has been appropriated. For sure. I can hear it from other comics on stage. Oh. Hell yea bro, that's fuckin' sick dude. Yeah, that's true. Well it's a fun way to talk. Very fun. It's easy, I mean that's...


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[Assistant] That's the point of appropriate, it's not like they were original when they came out, like whoever's saying it, you heard someone else say it. It's fun to say, I get it. But, if you're gonna do that, don't criticize other people for doing it. Just don't be a hypocrite about that stuff.


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[Assistant] Well, if they've never, if they're rich kids from the fucking mainline who've never dealt with black people, they're gonna be like, oh god, you guys have-


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[Assistant] You could, I mean, I'm about to encounter like a real victim of what's going on right now. Like, oh my God, are you okay? Can I get you a fucking like a foil blanket that they give to victim? It's like, dude, no, they're fine. These are people.


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[Assistant] I mean, sure, life sucks, you know? Yea. You're gonna encounter some people that have gone through some wild shit. Yea. But it's like, dude, don't, like, I've seen you guys on the news, I know how hard it is right now. Exactly, dude. Have you guys seen Nazis? Are they running around? Are they getting you?


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[Assistant] That's not what's on their doctor. Please, I'm chipped with a fucking psychology degree from Villanova. Please, come down here and save us. We're waiting for you.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry, look, while we're on this, it's like dude, imagine, so,


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[Assistant] I was on the tip of remember the titans. Those movies have just, there's been, it's a genre now. It's kind of white savery, but it's also like,


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[Assistant] Yeaah. How many times are we gonna make a fucking slave movie where we're the totally hapless fucking- Just us getting buttfucked. Yeaah, just nonce- it's just for white people. Yeaah. It is for white people.


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[Assistant] Can we stop with this right now? Can we cut it out? Or just make a regular black movie. Regular movie. Does it have to be this? Does it have to be that? It's like it's either, if you're making a black movie, it either has to be the fucking hood or slavery. Yeah.


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[Assistant] What are we doing? And then if you make a regular sitcom, the entire sitcom has to be based around being black. Exactly. It's crazy. Yeah. Like it goes, like, I don't know, I didn't really watch like the Cosmys or anything. I think it was either like Family Matters I watched. It was never about that. It was just people living.


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[Assistant] Now if you make a sitcom around a diverse family, the entire show is about their experience as that race. Which is weird. For sure. Which is weird.


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[Assistant] And it's just weird white people doing this.


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[Assistant] Yeah, because it's about a plot. Exactly, yeah. There's no, it's not just like, look at this racial disparage that, you know. Yeah. It's ridiculous.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's gonna be, hey, you know that white guy that was kind of a protagonist at the beginning, or an antagonist? The very end he's gonna be like, you're my brother this whole time.


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[Assistant] And then the black guy will be like, finally you've seen the light that we know inherently. We know good inherently. We're trying to instill it in you, white man. It's like, I see it now. I loved you the whole time.


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[Assistant] They do well, yea, because of white people. White people go to the movies to see that shit.


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[Assistant] It's a World War I movie. Let's go. Fuuuuck. Finally, dude.


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[Assistant] World War 1 is finally getting the shine it deserves. The last couple years of getting the shine it deserves.


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[Assistant] World War 1 is the shit. World War 1 is the worst fucking shit in the world.


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[Assistant] That was awesome. That rattled me up a little bit. Dude, and that was nothing. They didn't get into like the real...


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[Assistant] Harshness of, like in, in 1917 they, it's awesome. You gotta see it. It's a dude who's, they're in one trench.


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[Assistant] The Germans have retreated. They've left their trenches and the British think they have them on the run. And they're like, we gotta pursue them. And then this general's like, no, it's a trap. They want you to pursue them.


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[Assistant] So these two soldiers have to race up to the front line of the British soldiers to be like, don't charge, it's a trap.


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[Assistant] Definitely, the definition of like total war is like your entire country's economy and resources devoted to the war. So yes, World War I was definitely a total war, but they weren't like hitting civilian cities as much. It was basically just two front lines.


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[Assistant] But like, just crossing No Man's Land is like the scariest thing in the fucking world. Like, seeing it. On like, when they go between the trenches and shit? Yea, just filled with fucking corpses and like, cause they fought in the same spots for years. They didn't move.


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[Assistant] They just sat there killing each other in the same spot. Dude, that's insane.


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[Assistant] It's some of the wildest fuckin' artwork. Cause he was, he was a German guy in World War I. And he like, you know, they're all like incredibly fucked up. You know, shell shock and all that. You're a psychology guy. Of course. Otto Dix's World War I artwork is fuckin' wild, bro. You need to peep that.


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[Assistant] Dark fucked up shit that some guy clearly went through hell.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, this was, this was a different level. You think so? World War 1 was a different level. It was a, it was the first, like, modern slaughter.


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[Assistant] It's like a big fight. You just sit there and get shelled back and forth the whole time. You're just waiting and there's no rhyme or reason. You're just waiting for a shell to land on you for two years. You're sitting there just like, well death is coming shortly.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's just this impending, and then there's gas attacks where just a chemical comes and you all choke. Jesus Christ. You all fucking, and then like...


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[Assistant] With World War 1 a little bit, that's where we became number one. Well like before, like the reason.


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[Assistant] Uh, before you- World War I was literally for no reason. But at the end of the war they had to start, like the countries that were about to win were like, Oh fuck, we didn't, uh, we gotta come up with something that we won. What? Or everyone's gonna cut our fucking heads off.


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[Assistant] Once everybody finds out when we sign these treaties and nothing changed, everyone's gonna be like, what the fuck was that about? So no one knew what it was about? World War One was about nothing. Why? What the fuck? World War One was literally about nothing. People were just hype.


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[Assistant] They got hyped. They were like, we got all these cool new weapons. This is gonna be fucking wild. War is fun. It's romantic. Didn't we come out real nice from that? We did, cause we weren't involved.


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[Assistant] Oh, okay. We sent some, we sent the boys over there late.


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[Assistant] I mean, yeaah, probably. Yeaah. I think everyone did. That thing got fired up quick.


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[Assistant] It's pretty fucked up. There's also, there's no reason for this. Yeaah. Like these wars and shit. Yeaah, I'm always curious. It's just non-stop.


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[Assistant] World War I is totally fucked up. At least World War II was like the Germans and the Japanese getting fucking fired up.


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[Assistant] Towards the end, there's some really cool moments of like, people being like, like soldiers in different trenches being like, Fuck this. Hey! Everyone over there, like,


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[Assistant] You're our brothers. Yea, we all have beef with you guys. This is crazy that we're out here. This sucks. Yea. And it was royalty that was doing it. Of course. And they were all of the same family.


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[Assistant] I mean, that's what they are. And that's what it was, I mean, back then was like, oh, cousin, you know.


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[Assistant] Alfie, Alfie started another war, we'll send over the troops.


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[Assistant] And you're like, well we can't quit now. We gotta stop them. Yea. Use invent bullshit. These are evil people we have to kill. And then when the war ends, you're like, well.


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[Assistant] I guess we got, like, a colony out of this.


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[Assistant] Fucking wild. I know, literally the worst human suffering, like, those soldiers that were in that, and they were all like fucking 17 years old, just in shit.


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[Assistant] You would have like a private army. Like different, like if you were like a rich guy, you would have like 50 knights.


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[Assistant] And he'd be like, alright, go take that guy's fucking land. We're gonna, that's ours now. He's not paying me the taxes he owes me. That was a war. That was a fight. Now, then in World War I, it's like a million people along a fucking mud trench throwing chemicals at each other. Someone's funding it, dude.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that, I mean, that led to us, the United States, getting fuckin' papered up, dude. Really? Yeah, World War I and World War II got us fuckin' bread, bro. That's bizarre. Yeah?


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[Assistant] I bet in one year the United States throws out enough food to feed the world.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, but the United States alone, like everybody else continues to produce food at the exact same rate they're doing, but right now we just


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[Assistant] I hear you, but to feed someone who's starving doesn't take much. That's also true. It doesn't take a lot of effort. That's true.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's not really true. You remember those cardboard boxes you got from UNICEF as a kid? Just a fuckin' nickel, dude. We could feed a village with this.


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[Assistant] I might, there might still be a sack of rice in this apartment that I bought.


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[Assistant] Yeah. What else are you gonna, were you gonna mail it? It's not your responsibility.


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[Assistant] I see why it's bad. Not like, you're only saying that because I'm a woman and you're a man. No? Get rid of the power dynamics. Let's try to focus on the right decision.


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[Assistant] That's what's up. Bro, I was, I was trying to figure out a bit on this and I think it'll be funny, like having a favorite politician is fucking, it's as weird to me as when a dude has a favorite porn star.


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[Assistant] Like if a dude can name five porn stars, that to me is like, you can name five politicians, I'm like, alright, shut the fuck up, you weirdo. Take it easy, dude. Yea, if you can name five senators, I'm like, alright.


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[Assistant] This is weird. How do you know their names? You know their names? How much of this are you watching? This is weird.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I thought it was funny. If you have a favorite, yeah, favorite politician is the weirdest thing in the fucking world.


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[Assistant] Trust me, I'm as guilty as anyone for fake liking Trump. It is funny. It is funny. But man, you gotta, you just gotta fucking...


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[Assistant] Chill. Every politician's a fucking piece of shit.


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[Assistant] Just stop. I mean of course we need them. Obviously we need politicians.


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[Assistant] To the future, to the proletariat, you know, till we rise up. Till we automate.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's what you're presented. And it's, again, it couldn't be clearer. But then again, you gotta, you do have to remember a lot of people are dumb as fuck.


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[Assistant] A lot of people are very, very dumb. Majority. And when they get spoonfed this, they're in. Yep. You know? Yeah. They're totally in. They're like... I mean, imagine...


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[Assistant] Have, not having the wherewithal till you live in, let's say you live in New York City.


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[Assistant] To be like, all of us are liberal, all of us have the same political ideology.


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[Assistant] That fucking nine million of us are like, yes. Yeah. This is how it's done. Anybody that disagrees is a fucking moron.


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[Assistant] Then you go out to, you know, Mechanicsburg and it's like, no.


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[Assistant] Trump's actually a good businessman who knows what he's doing, and if you disagree, you're fucking gay. Yes. It's wild. That's, well dude, that's the argument I'd have with people in school. They'll be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you ever take a step back to be like, wait man, how are we all getting the same answer to this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys both think you're right. You both think you're totally right. You're having the exact same conversations about one another. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're at the dinner table, like, can you believe what the left is doing? Yup. And then, uh, you know, across town, they're like, can you believe what the right is doing? This is ridiculous. This is gonna kill the world. Dude. Exactly, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just call each other whatever the worst thing in your town is. That's a good bit, I'm working on that. I'm workshopping some bits. You just call whatever town you're from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst thing you can be called is what the worst thing you can be in that town is. So like if you're from a fucking white trash town, people are like, fucking fag. And then you move into like a liberal city and they're like, homophobic piece of shit. Like that's the last, like if I lived in, you know, fucking Scranton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or fuckin' shmokin'. I'd be like, I'm not gay. I am not fuckin' gay, dude. I'm straight as fuck. Then you go to New York and you're like, I love gay people. I'm pretty much gay. I identify as like 50-50.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] History's gonna be tough then, yea. History's gonna be crazy then. History's easy now, cause just whoever won is like, and then this is what happened. Exactly. Alright. Noted. Thank you. Thank you one guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't worry about it, they're gone. Oh shit, here's the topic. Please, please. Cause I gotta, I gotta, I gotta head up to Nueva York for the motherfucking birds game. We'll watch it over at Danny Souters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big J is such a motherfucker about organizing these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got two phone calls during the last podcast from Jay. Being like, don't be late. Being like, are you coming for sure? Cause I'm ordering sandwiches right now. I was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was watching, dude, have you, you might have brought this up and I might not have been, uh, have you seen the documentary Lady Boys? Spud was telling me about that. On Amazon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On Amazon, it's called ladyboys. First off, I thought we were being transphobic, calling them fucking ladyboys. Perfectly, that's perfectly normal nomenclature. It's totally acceptable to call them ladyboys. They call themselves ladyboys. They're like, we are ladyboys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, you gotta watch this documentary. It's about British, British dudes that go over and fucking love ladyboys. The first episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And introduces the boy to a bunch of other ladyboys. Huh? Takes him out to a bar and is like, see how fucking sick this is? This is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These are, this is a third world country, cause they think they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These, they're like, man, they just love white guys over here. We're so hot to them. Yeaah. It's like, no you're not, you fucking idiot. That's just your only way out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I'm getting out of this fucking hellhole. It's rules. Yeah. It's so fun to watch this kid who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he's British, he's like, oh, you know, I suppose, uh, they are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd have to be a homosexual to not be attracted by them, I suppose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, they try to justify it, which is the classic ladyboy defense. For sure. It's like, yeah, they're hot, dude. I'd be gay if I didn't want to fuck them. I'm so hetero that they're tricking me into wanting to fuck them. Oh my god. You know, I understand the argument. And some of these ladyboys, dude, you'll watch this documentary and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It got me close to while I was on YouPorn. Or You- Yea, Pornhub. It got me-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To seeing what a ladyboy looked like when they were fucking. Got me close. Didn't do it. Didn't search. But for one second I was like, ladyboy. Like I, no no no. No no no. Thank god dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saint Thomas Aquinas was there to fuckin' yank my hands off. He's the patron saint of bad searches on Bornobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aquina was there for me. I prayed as hard as I could. I said, St. Thomas, help me out. I almost searched Lady Boys on porno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I only perused ladyboys, well they weren't ladyboys, I perused just trans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's also, you're a click away from just a regular hot chick. True. So there's something there that's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, no, it's- There's a little dark little fun there. It's a forbidden fruit bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to watch this. You will- Every guy- The dudes are so funny. There's one dude that's just jacked as fuck. He's this British guy. He runs a bar down there with his ladyboy. He's like, what? What do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. He's like, they're fucking hot, dude. What's your problem? I mean... Sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bad born hole, but if you actually want to go to Thailand and become a fucking baller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I respect that for sure. It's so funny to go from a world of definitely not getting any sniz. Like these guys must have been incels. You don't think so?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, these guys are brutal. They're dorks. Yeaah. And then they just move, like the, the boy is so, his, this guy's hadn't seen his dad in like three years. Okay. And then he goes to Thailand to meet up with his dad who's just in like a penthouse with lady boys like, ah, get over here, give me a hug. Look how fucking cool this is. It's like, ew, dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what you're doing, Dad? I'm sorta getting pussy now. I'm fucking guys over here, come on. He's like, I have to come to terms with my dad, perhaps he's a bit of a homosexual. Is that what he's saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He puts his ladyboy in a wedding dress. She looks stunning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's so fun. I mean, you gotta watch. Ladyboy's on Amazon. It's Amazon. You're gonna find some, you're gonna find something you like, Matt. I'm telling you. You're gonna see something you like. I guarantee I will.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you go into a bar and they're just all over you. They're like, please let me suck your dick. Well that's the thing too. Which is disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fucked up. True. It's like, please help, is basically what they're saying. Yeaah. One of them got braces, it's like, ooh, what'd you do for that? Yo bro. That's a big time come up. Ladyboy with braces? It's true. It's like, dude, you've, there was a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dastardly British guy on the other end of that. The dark money behind that. They take, they go to her village, the guy's wife. It's like the saddest fucking story in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like her mom abandoned her, him, on a, on like a river. Sick to correct yourself. Excuse me. He was your boy at the time, part of me, part of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty ladyboy. Uh, she just abandoned him and her grandparents raised him. Her, him. And, it's like a vocation there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a job to be like, and then I decide at a young age to become a ladyboy. That would help my family. If I became a ladyboy. So if you're like, you don't have a chiseled chin, your grandfather's gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna start getting you some, we're gonna get you some tits eventually, we're gonna save up, get you, that's like an investment for a family there. To buy their ladyboy fake tits. Right? So the frailest of all the boys, they're like, we're gonna strap some tits on you, you're gonna start blowing. I don't wanna be a ladyboy dad!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna go blow some Tottenham fan. Some dude that loves fucking Manchester United. I mean dude, if you're hungry enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The CD Underbelly is very depressing when you start to really think about it. Like when, when you realize it's like a life long, it's a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where it's like, you're gonna provide for this village by sucking and fucking tourists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, sometimes. Sure, sure. Some of them are like, yeaah, I identified as that. It's gotta be the best though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's like illegal, but they're still like, they still have like a Miss America pageant. Okay. For the hottest tea. Really? They have a hottest lady, Miss Ladyboy. Is it what it's called? It's called Miss Ladyboy? I don't know. They have a number one Ladyboy contest. And the Ladyboys coming out on that are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need to sneak an LB in for the W, and every dude in the audience will be like, this Thailand is hot as fuck this year, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it ends there. The straightest thing you can do is be celibate. That's what I'm, dude, that's what I'm talking about. The most straight, the fucking most righteous you can be is to be chaste, be celibate. Jesus Christ. I turned down sniz last night, I said God bless, thank you ma'am. But no. But no, I'd rather...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eat a Wawa hoagie, throw in a dip, and drive out of this town. I don't wanna sleep in your hotel room, ma'am. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh great. I didn't come. I should've been coming. It would've felt better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 16 bucks an hour. Showed Matt a rough comedy special that it hurt. It hurts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what the industry wants. That fucks me up. Is that special. The industry is pushing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Awesome. Yeaah, and not even that one, like there weren't even jokes. No. And the one part was just like, it sounded like a bad teacher.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that part of like, the script we've been handed is boring. Yeah. You can be one of two things. It's like, and she's like, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As to what's funny, what's not funny, what's fucking corny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You mean subjective? Yeah. I always, never got those right, ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. That's what it's worth. You learn like the big Harvard words, and you kinda know them, and it's like, okay. It's just so, comedy's just subjective enough that, and then you believe there's a right answer. Because you think it's funny. So you're like, it's objectively funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well Matt, I think our time has, uh, reached it's conclusion. Little page, little page for the boys. Throw some slop down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, and you got those sunglasses. That was a Christmas gift. I bought them myself. Really? Matt's being a real cunt about these sunglasses. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt came in with his brand new reflective Ray-Bans, immediately, purple, blue I think, took them off, wiped them down with the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My organization is just out of spite. Bro, I can't tell you how much I agree with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll, I mean, Tommy has to, Tommy lives in a world of constant...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just, I can't let off that motherfucker. Non-stop, just like, like if we're out of toilet paper or toothpaste, I'm like, hopefully the toothpaste fairy comes again. Cause I always buy shit. I'm like, oh don't worry, the toilet paper fairy will be back. You don't have to worry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I throw out the case in microfiber as soon as I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shoulda got, you shoulda got some, fuck. What's the guy, the Hawaiian one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forgot to promote any shows on the last episode. We'll promote them later. Fuck. Put them on the thing. Uhm, alright. God bless. Thank you. Have a sweet day. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got both headphones on, now I'm not fucking around right now. No more fucking around, please. Dude, my trip here was fantastic. What happened? It was just chill as fuck, dude. I just- Did you take the train? Took the train? So nice taking the train up. Dude, it's the best. Yeah. Took the train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, uh, from Philly to the first stop is half an hour. Meditated the entire time. Really? Came out of that and was like- So you took a nap? No. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm listening to, I'm listening to Sacred Noises, dude, I'm listening to my, dude my Spotify is lit now with spa music. Really? It's just like, you know like the beginning of the Titanic song, it was like, doo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo. It's just that, that's all I listen to instrumental.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I listen to basically like, like massage music. 24-7, that's all I, I work out and listen to it too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my sexual thing's weird right now. My, my whole sex life is kind of str- it's, it's been thrown for a loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. I don't feel like, I don't feel, I don't know, it's like I get horny and it's just an inconvenience to like my whole family now. It's just like, I've tried to, like I watched a documentary a long time ago where dudes just cut their dongs off. Did you ever see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, I remember, hold on, I remember in the old house when I made everyone, they stayed up late and watched this documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Wood was there. I was like, yeaah, I made everyone, whatever they're doing, I'm like, you guys gotta stop, you have to watch this documentary together. And I fell asleep like five minutes into it. And it's just about people cutting their dicks off. What was it? What happened? It's just people get so ashamed of their own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they get disgusted by their own sexuality, the fact that like, they're like, just that they're bothered by the fact that they have to cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The will, they feel the will inside themselves and they're like, no more. I'm gonna totally separate myself from my animal urges. And they cut down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And these people have cut, there's people out there who have cut their own dicks off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's what I feel like right now. I'm identifying with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used my dick for God's purpose. Now it's done. It's like, created life. I don't want to even look at this thing ever again. True. Done with it. Done with my penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Unless I really can't sleep, then I'll jerk off quietly in the bathroom. That's it. So that's my, right now I'm in a weird place sexually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the porn like? You're the same old G on the porn, or like, how has it affected your porn?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like taking a dump basically. I did that the other night and that kinda bums me out. Like you barely, barely shoots and you're just like pfft, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's always weird too, sneaking back into bed with like a, when you just jerked off, it's like, you're just like kind of hard walking into dark. There's still like nut that comes out afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you just wrap, that's when you do like a little tourniquet for yourself in the sheets and fucking go to bed. So what you gotta do, you gotta cut the supply off. But yea, it is weird. Going back into bed after you just jerked off is like really uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda have respect for guys who just jerk off in front of their girlfriends. I've heard of these guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I have, I'll go like, like a dog that's about to die. I'll just like go somewhere. But yeah, man. So, you know, so I don't even know why we started talking about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't jerk off in the morning anymore, stop doing that. Only night time, only at night. Yeah, I never jerk off. That fucks my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, see, I just opened a podcast Twitter and it's like, hey, this is awesome. Like 99.9% is like, woohoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I had negative shit coming constantly, that would fucking bother the shit out of me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's crazy. It was also bizarre now that like, everyone with a personality disorder has a megaphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, you know, there's so many people out there who are just bucked. Like literally they, they are in a world where nothing is ever their fault ever. And now they have access to like quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do that all the time. I do that all the time. The one time that like I didn't do, like if I don't, like I'll leave like a sponge in the sink. And the one time like it wasn't me who did it, I'm like, Oh, see what I say? You always blame me for that. Sometimes it isn't me. It's like 99.9% of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forever dude, yea, I don't think it stops. I've asked older dudes and they're like, fuck no, it doesn't stop, it just keeps going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a geezer house recently. What were you doing in there? I was in, not, not like a geezer retirement home. I was in the home of two geezer roommates. Yo, it was bazaar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're geyser male. Divorced geyser male roommates, like 60.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sick. Yo, it was like if, it was like if our dads lived together and we're like, yeah, we're fucking divorced. Literally, that's what I was rocking. Damn. It was sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty sure that's, I don't think you, I don't think you, they're like, oh yeaah, they're like, yeaah, obviously dude, who you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, we're obviously chillin' with these geese. I was chillin' with the geese. Dude's a fuckin' man. And he's like, oh, like we went back to his place. He had like this really nice weed. He was like, check this weed out. It was like, I, whatever. Sure. It was a complicated situation. So I went. I was like, I was about to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think so, dude. No, I'm telling you, these guys are aging. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you get divorced, you don't just have gay sex dude. Yeah you do, that's prison rules.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The older you get, the closer the gayer you get. Even if you're super hetero, every day that goes by, you're like the continuum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why chicks, that's why dudes Epstein out. Yeah. Cause it's either go gay or be a pedophile. That's your two options as you get, as you become an older man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just go with the flow of time and just hit the locker, hit the gym harder. Keep your shower thing half open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta get into the, uh, Neutro-Ceuticals game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at that guy taking a shower and just coming while he's in the- oh that's Nick Jonas. That's hilarious. I'm surprised I'm not popping up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, I mean, if we're at Nick Jonas, I'm, you know, in terms of the gay and janked hierarchy, I'm pretty up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a good show. Instead of room raiders, you just had a show where you dedicated like a team of like lawyers, private investigators, and writers to dig up the dirt on everybody. You found it already? Sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thank you. Thank you, Jamie. Know what, know what makes us so sharp and tight? That we've just been going for the audio listener for so long. True. If we have this power, that's the end of the show. I was panicking during that dead air. I'm like, dude, usually it's bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you bro. I still get weird face, I get like a weird face on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my friend made me, no not even that, my friend made me promise him, I was there with my boy at the geezer house and he was like, we walked out of there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he told me, he was like, bro, we were walking, I'm like, that was kinda weird, huh? We were like, both fucking stoned, so we were walking in the snow all quietly, and I was like, how about that living setup? He's like, dude, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I just think that's gonna happen to me, I'm worried. He's like, promise me, if we both end up as old geezers, we'll live together. I was like, alright, whatever bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, I think we were both so stunned by the reality of like roommate geezerdom that it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sucks. It's like a crime and punishment Russia shit. It's weird. You're like a boarding house. You got to start, I want to start geezer boarding houses where I just, it's like an old Russian thing where I bring people soup. If they're sick, I just let them go on the rent for like three days. Their mother, their parents send letters and shit. I'm telling you, I want to get into like geezer border, like, uh, boarding houses, but like soft, soft geezer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's like, they always show that cool. When that hits here, it's gonna be just straight up. It's like, girls, broad city, like, uuuh. Yeaah. Fast forward, dude. Notice Sex and the City doesn't go into the time they're 45 and 50. Starts getting dark, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, dude, I think about that, uh, I think, I mean, I think there's a lot of people who just kind of like, you know, really hit the finish line, like, real dejected and fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. Like most people, I think. Everyone. It falls apart. No, I'm saying like, true. I think on your deathbed you're like, what the f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. There's very few people, I think like Aldous Huxley, or Aldous, Aldous Huxley or whatever, he was like, you know, he was an accomplished author, he hit the deathbed and just they injected him with LSD and he was like, I did it, I'm cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know like in Avatar, when like the people, is that Avatar? When like the main guy dies and he goes back into the soil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who ruined the thing? There was like someone who was like chill and did like tube slides with a raft and someone was like, I know geometry. What's the closest I can get this thing to not being a cliff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucked up. So there's a cage on top of the speed slide and you're in like a log flume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dumb are, I mean I would probably ride that if I saw it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How fucking dumb are people with the fact that it's like, oh fucking- That's how you die? No, just being like, oh fucking go down that thing. It's like, just don't. You definitely can avoid that thing and live a great life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a dangerous, safe thing, like when someone does die on a rollercoaster, it's like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're supposed to like kind of think we're dying. It's a weird thing to seek out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the appropriate response. Is a good Catholic like, no they don't!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not getting my bird squeezed, but I'll split the crimpin. I'll eat the crimpin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, he probably showed up and was like, alright, so what's this idea you got? And he's like, I gotta get my bird squeezed, I wanna cramp it. Dude, back then people didn't just get sugar on demand. Yea, you don't get sweet treats. That was a big fucking deal. My dad was telling me he used to go to a store and get a jar of olives and eat all the olives and drink the olive juice and he was like, eight. I'm like, dude, you're disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said he would do it and then smash the glass outside the store and then go back in and be like, I'll sweep that up for a nickel. And the guy would be like, yeah, here you go. And he would just sweep that up and then go buy olives or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or uh, he, dude, he was like, I would drink all the, he would, he would get a jar of pickles, eat the pickles, drink the juice and smash the jar when he was little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, hey mister, I'll sweep that up for you. Fucking weirdo. They used to like, literally raid their like, neighbors gardens and like, eat plums and stuff, like, like fucking rabbits. They would just be like, oh, she had the best plums, we would steal them and run away, and it's like, you fucking children of the corn, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. See a plum tree and be like, oh, starts scheming on it. Oh, that's a good plum. It is like, it's like a mice and men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never poured on air before, dude, it was tough. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we're talking about our dad's weird snacking habits. So your dad used to pimp for a crimp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, do you think it stopped there though? No. That's how domination daddies are born. True. That guy probably got, he's probably getting squeezed after, I mean that's literally, that guy got imprinted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if he thinks about a guy squeezing his bird at however old he is, he's probably like, oh man, that was fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just, just, that was a sexuality, where you only got old fashions, like in ex, like emergency situations, I think I would actually, I think that's my true sexuality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you. That's my true sexuality. Of getting like emergency squeezers. I think that's who I am. That's the hottest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, or I'm thinking emergency more like I gotta come real bad. You have to come. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that is the hottest. I'm saying like if you could elect, like alright, you can be completely out of the dating pool, but you can get emergency squeezers once a month, or you just, you know, all or nothing kind of thing. Or it's like you gotta come and deal with the drama that is like trying to come and live harmoniously with people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is pretty tight, man. Should just deal with it like that. They should do like, I'm gonna start like a mobile response team, like they hand out Narcan, they should start doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do a retirement home that like gives like once a month squeezers or vibes. What are vibes? Vibrate, like vibrate or treatment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that is important. If you put someone in a nursing home, it's like, the fact that they're gonna go sexually, uh, you know, unfulfilled. That should be part of the package. Where it's like, happy endings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do fuck a lot. Wild. Well it would probably help if they were getting squeezers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're probably also content to go with like, three months without nutting, so when they do, it's probably like, probably pops off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice and tender. You should put lotion inside of a condom when you go to sleep. What's that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I didn't, I started talking about my train ride. That's what happened. Oh yeah. We got derailed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, yeaah, I was just driving up here, dude. I meditated for half an hour. Fantastic. So I sent it, just sent a little, uh, text to Butterly. The people I did the microdose thing with, I was like, hey guys, drop the ball, but I just wanted to let you guys know. You basically told them, I'm like, you know, opt for the conscious manipulation of reality, let's roll, let's fucking get it. That's what I'm all about right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just wanna be quiet, I wanna see if you fucking, fully fucking freak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of, I kind of feel like a Matrix guy. I kind of got out but then I went and peed in the, uh, in the bathroom like right away and that was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of pee, dude. I was thinking about like the gallons of pee that comes out of there, like on a minute, like on the minute. I was like, dude, that's like, it's like a river of fucking piss. Just constantly flowing into some, I don't know where the fuck that's going. Cause it was like revolving door, people coming in and out at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they take trash underground and like get rid of it in nuclear explosions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read something about this one time. They took it underground in like fucking, like Kazakhstan. And they just dig deep and just, just blast it underground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched just everything for like a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lot of people saying that you're, you're, uh, you've been duped by the deep state on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, they had a coup and we, or we established-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty tight. Yeah. It's funny when they say it here and they're like, and they're a supreme leader.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Iran is the Shiites, right? Yeah. Actually, I don't know. Saudi Arabia is the Sunnis. Yeah. Because apparently they're trying to, I mean, this is a guy I was watching today was talking about, it's just the same thing again, but they're trying to say that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, no, you guys- Well, it just seems like they're just like, give us more stuff or we're gonna cut off your oil. And we're like, alright, well, we're just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, also, I mean, look, I don't want to get too far out there, but I think a lot of it is weapons manufacturers. I think they just write these stories. They're like, all right, who's fighting now? They're like, what's Iran doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We gotta start dropping bombs, you guys. There's definitely people in these areas who are capable of being like, alright, alright, we can get around this. You do not. People are probably like, fucking bomb us, fine. There's no way it's getting to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it's like weird that it's still, it's kind of embarrassing. When you see that, you're like, and then they just like shot a missile in the air. It's like, come on, you guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that activates camouflage baseball hats. If they see like night vision with like a little missile going off, they're like, dude, where do I sign? Fuck this, let's go. I'm going. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw the picture and it was like, looks like we're at war. It's just a fucking screen of like a blip, fiery blip moving into the sky and it's like, it's official, we're at war. It's like that's all you need to believe, like that's it, total war, we're going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true though. If you're living in a country and like they shoot, they just, someone, if someone just like sent a bomb into the general and we're like, yeah, I know it sucks, but, uh, we kind of just got to take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Planning terrorist attacks has got to be off the hook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just like, there's no other point than to like, fuck up as much stuff as possible. You gotta sit there all day and scheme on just like, taking a building down. It's gotta be nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also hard to believe that they're just haters. Cause if you were to ask like an American politician, it's like, yea they hate us dude. It's like, you sure? These guys are trying to fly planes into us, you sure they're just fucking out there? They're just haters bro. They are haters. I mean is that it? For sure haters. Are they haters or have we?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause yea, I would love to know what that is, like exactly. Cause it's like, cause I tried to read about this before and it just kinda fell off the book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like exactly what got them that hype on like taking America and like it's allies down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just from just getting crushed? Like how have we crushed them that hard is the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's tough. Tough t-shirt to wear on those parts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Star of David, like a Star of David, like a Zuck, like doing Zuck like I stand with Israel. Yea, but I don't know, that is weird to me to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because also too, it's easy, because they can sell oil to anyone. But we can also just be like, yeah, we'll give you weapons too. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you guys, they probably, probably go over there and they're like, dude, we'll make you guys like mini-americans. Dude, you guys are gonna be the leader of this area. And we probably just fuck them over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they're like, America's fuckin' asshole. And then they're just like, alright, how can we fuck with this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna keep my cell phone on, non-airplayed mode. We all do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, the, uh, I don't know, I still think that's a crazy existence. Like, there's like, we're creating stuff, we have, you know, we have the markets and everything, and then there's just a whole counterforce to that. They're like, alright, we don't really have shit, but what we can busy ourselves with is just fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not even unlimited money, it's just the people who make money, invent money. You can just be like, alright, I'm gonna get that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the fact that they pull off anything, the fact that they pull off anything honestly, that's where I start raising eyebrows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then again, I don't know, it seems pretty impossible to stop somebody from fucking coming up. But, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do they get that and tell it when the guy's like, oh tonight we are going to blow up the building?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you're gloatin'. Couldn't stop me. Dude, you could easily beat up Lewis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just released as a video on page. Are you, is it going to be tough for you to, uh, rip one? You said you were going to be traveling. No, I'll get home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Just can't, I can't do it. You can beat him up, I felt him. I felt what he has, you can totally take him. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was going to get tagged, I was like, I'll fucking die before I get tagged, but I'm not doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I protected the neck right away. My training kicked in instinctively. I'm not a white belt. You see me swimming too? I saw you swimming out. Swimming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My instincts kicked in immediately. I tried to pull guard. What's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much time did you spend driving? I woke up in North Carolina this morning, bro. Did you really? Just drove the whole way, got here, sat down, ripped the cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's what's up. Promote contacts on? What year are you talking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you're, if you live in Grunge Village and you're from, you know, he's used to fucking yachts. You know? Also the music, the speakers are broken. Oh, so there's no music there? We had a Bose, like, Beats Pill sitting on the dash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He needs the, he needs his aunt. He should call his aunt. You should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a nice car. Uhm. It's a luxury, yeah. But yeah, we couldn't, we drove like maybe an hour. Who was at the wheel? I was. And it was just like bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was heavy. It was a very, it was a heavy fucking car. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it was, it was pretty sad. We,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch the Eagles game. Just, we had a nice sleepover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Roanoke Rapids in North Carolina. We didn't even leave North Carolina, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to Cracker Barrel as a family. Had a nice dinner at Cracker Barrel. I got some country fried steak. Come on now. So you guys beat a hangover. And then we all went back to the room and farted for 8 hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So there was three of us, so we got twin beds and then put a cot in between the twin beds and Beezer slept in the middle. And he fucking snored all night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We do look like a porn. Beezer looks like a porn director. Beezer technically is involved in the porn industry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, the farts after the Cracker Barrel with the Hangover, the farts in there were crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I left, I actually went down to the lobby to get the boys some sweet treats because we were watching an awesome documentary on Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we put it on, we put O'Connor's laptop on a chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And watch Netflix. The three of us all just laying on our beds, dude. So fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beezer was laying on a mattress, not the cot. He took the mattress off and just laid it in between the beds. And so I would just reach over the bed and like fuck with him and like tickle him and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All three of us were like, let's, well the plan originally was to get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then it just became, we could just get a hotel room and watch it. Perfect. All of us in complete agreement. It was a total like 100%. No one disagrees. Like I have nothing to do today. Let's sleep. Let's sleep and relax. Did you watch your birds? Watch the birds. Big victory. Yeah, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend just made fun of me for not watching Notre Dame anymore. Really? Every time they have a night game, I have a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend was like, you're not even a fucking fan. He was like spazzing on me, cause I was making fun of him. Oh, the pest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks. I eased up a little. I didn't pass as hard as you, cause there were some rough hangovers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I just, the, I've pestered him enough that he's spazzed. A couple times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've gotten him to freak. One time. What's it like? Did I tell this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Semi-nationally. Yo, shout out to these two different dudes. While we were walking from the hotel to the show, a fan walks by and just goes, turd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then right when we were walking out the door, this guy goes, turd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somehow they knew to like whisper it at us. That's perfect, dude. Yeah, please do that if you see Chris. Just whisper it. Don't even acknowledge him. Just go, turd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny. No, this is a good story. This is an ultimate, ultimate pest. So me and him were on the road and we shared a room. So we had two beds. O'Connor uses Tinder from the hotel we were staying at. He meets up with a group of girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We both have, he's working, he's been working this whole time on this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Finally they like start to do stuff and I was like, what's going on over there? He fucking spazzed, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, just lost his shit. Everybody, the girls, everybody was very upset at him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was ultimate pest, especially cause I got a nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Over a year ago. Ten years ago. By the way. I heard you. Uhm, but yeaah, he normally spazzes, he didn't spazz once this trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, pushing Beezer's stomach, scaring him and him farting was easy. Oh, perk! It was amazing. It carried me through the trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're ready to roll. Great weekend. That's what's up. Good weekend, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we just stayed at the club and got drunk after some of the staff were dancin', put on some music. O'Connor was a dancin' fool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was showing his moves big time. Yeah, it was very fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we saw Star Wars. Star Wars sucked. That day? Uh, yeah, I think Saturday. Saturday. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, he's in The Mandalorian. He's in like a show on Disney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About, it's a Star Wars show. Not the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, was it his bae? His bae? They channeled. How corny do you and your bae have, alright, so you guys are out like in the desert and you're like, I think I'm gonna get into channeling, which is step one, you're a fucking loser. But then your bae steals the thunder and is like, oh yeah, I wanna get into channeling too. Uuuh, I'm channeling so hard over you. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude. All your books are leading you to a lady getting her pussy and channeling raw. Dude, you read the wrong books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've covered this. We've, we have love lads, love the partner, we love the fucking partners. Love the partners. Love the lads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our downfall was our love, how we loved him too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that there's anything wrong with Cameroon. Cameroon's got its own culture, but here...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna let you. Thank you. Bunch of Germans hanging out in a cave? Yea dude. Doing magic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't know. We don't know but I think we do know that they didn't do any magic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he hits you with the women have dog brains. Right away. He was like, come on man, we both know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Across the pond, he's telling you, he's delivering the same message. Same message, bro. So the message is clear. Well, this continent or the other. Check your bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you and this man are saying. I think women should have complete control.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, uh, like when? In German? 1800s. Or in Philly? Yea, it came under Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because technically we've produced five volumes of gibberish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been in a trance for a few episodes and they've come back to haunt me. You should claim that was channel material. I was channeled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big time. I was channeling. Exactly. That's what I tried to say. I was just channeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What will they do to you? They'll manipulate you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop telling me what to do, bitch! Thank you, Ra!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, dude. You are on, you are in outer space, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah, the threshold thing is... Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it doesn't, I hear what you're saying, but the allegorical thing part, the nature of it, it doesn't necessarily need to be a trance. It could just be life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. You know, you need to face on your fucking problems just with the utmost confidence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm at one minute. I'm past eight. I'm repeated. I mean, I've already passed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was a different week for us. You and I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what is, what do you do? Like what, for example?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in, I was in a fart den listening to Beezer Snorf. I got no sleep. We watched, uh, we watched the entire, there's a documentary on Netflix called Don't Fuck with Cats. It's really good. What is it? Uh, this guy made, like, fucked up videos of, he made this video of putting two kittens in a, like a vacuum sealed bag. What? And vacuum sealing it, so killing these cats in this bag. And he put it online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then these people made a Facebook group devoting, devoted to finding out who he was. And they were like obsessed with it. Kinda like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they like did like shit, like looking at what's in the background, where you could buy that, like to try to locate them geographically, stuff like that. Kinda like what they do with Shia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Laboose. Were these kittens or cats? Kittens. That's fucked up. Really fucked up. Then he made one where he had one tied on a stick and wrapped in saran wrap so just its head was out and he just dipped it in a bathtub and drowned it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty fucked up. Then he had one where he just fed it to a python.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brutal. Hilarious. Yea, no, it's not funny. No, it's horrible. See, he was playing with the cat first, the python. Ah man, the kitten too. The kitten was like playing with his Santa Claus hat. Ah, so, did they find this guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, look, go watch it, but if you ha-, you know, fast forward a little bit if, if, uh, you wanna watch it, cause it's really good. Uhm. What do you mean fast forward? Through this podcast, because of the spoilers. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They found, because after he made those cat videos, he tossed on a video with a boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He murdered a guy. He murdered a guy with like an ice pick on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, that's what they were saying. The people in the group were like, he's gonna kill a person soon. Yeah, that's true. And then he knew there was a Facebook group, so he started fucking with them. Fuck. And he posted in their Facebook group, like, the next one's not gonna have cats, it's gonna have guys. Or a guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucked dude. I'm like mailed like the hands and feet to like parliament in Canada. Oh yea, it was in Canada. Oh you gave away the location, yea. Yea. It was nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well the people in the Facebook group was like in Vegas and there's some lady in Vegas, which she's pretty brutal. She's like, you can tell she's like a nice sweet lady, but she has like internet speak. Yeah. So she's like, but there's this weird like dork thing where now they're like, yo, that's fucking dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the cops that came in and arrested him eventually were like these. He went to Berlin, he was in Germany when they caught him. That's dope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, the ten most badass police officers walked in, it was fucking dope. She's just some white dork from Vegas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those kick-ass cops found that guy and beat the shit out of him, they're so fucking dope. Yeah, it's like they just started using curse words as adults. It's pretty funny to hear. It's funny to listen to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and they end this documentary by like trying to flip it on you somehow. They're like, maybe we pushed him too hard by giving him like the attention he was getting when he killed the cat. And then she was like, maybe we all did. Maybe it's time to shut off this machine. And like kind of put it on the viewer for like maybe you did for watching this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Why'd you guys do that? I'll fucking come down here and cut your head off, lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, actually it was an Asian gay man. He killed an Asian gay man? He did kill a partner, dude. Asian sweet boy? He killed a sweet boy that he got off Craigslist. Now I'm fucking pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the guy is the biggest cornball ever. His name's Rocco Magnata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's his name? He like tries to be, he was trying to be a male model. He's the biggest douche of all time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there was a part in the Rocco Magnata thing where, cause they have this surveillance footage from, I mean they had the murders online, you can watch it. Yeaah. But there's surveillance footage of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Walking in with the guy he murdered, but then the footage of him walking back out, he's wearing the shirt that the dude was wearing, which is pretty creepy to watch. And then he goes to the store to buy like cleaning supplies. And then while he's walking back in, he like stops in front of a mirror and like adjusts his hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really fucking creepy to watch. Yeah, having just done, like, cut a guy's arms and legs apart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Off, and like, the rest of the torso against the bathtub and was playing with the head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the bathtub, on camera, like fucking wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mom believes there's someone else. And in her defense, in the snake video, there is another set of hands. Which they never really addressed in the documentary. She just brought it up and was like, there's another guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was ever any closure on that. I kinda fell asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was really good, but then, I mean, we watched the whole thing in one night. So Beezer and Okani-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was a lot they could have done without. For sure. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you got, you got raw, you got raw bumping around in that old noggin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meh. It really seems like it's complete bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. That's always a bummer when you go, when you hug someone and they're, they're not ready for it. I didn't know, I mean, dude, when I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aw, you girls got a side hug now. Oh, dude, yeah. Well, not now, but just kind of ever. A front hug is intense. On a lady? Yeah. Pressing tits on tits? I remember Uncle Neil had a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was right behind him. I was behind her and I scared Chris. What'd she say? And she started laughing with us and I was like, man, you are, I love you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was standing in line just staring at her hand to see if she had a wedding ring on. It was that. It was real, dude. Me and her had a connection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, most of the stories this weekend tend to be about farts or scaring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was kind of the entire weekend. During Star Wars, I went up, I went to take a piss, and while I was washing my hands and I was walking past the urinals, and this dude, younger dude, standing there, farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe it. We talked about it last week about me and Bison laughing at a urinal fart after a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then, at this movie, this guy farted, I got, I jumped. And then I started laughing and he was not happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't, and he was young. Dude, if I, if I farted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dump in places I'm like literally afraid to take a dump in. This is a rough one, especially it was a one, there was tons of traffic, uh, cold cement walls and shit. And it was a single bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a truck. So when I got in, there was no one in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in there just, cause no one, no one tried to open the door. It was locked. That's kinda polite. Yea, but that's how I would know someone was in line. O'Connor was your fucking guard. O'Connor said he knew I was in there so he didn't try to open the door. So I didn't think anyone was out there. And I was just... So you were taking your time. I was just checking my, yea, I was just checking Reddit. How long do you think you were done before?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a long gas station dump. Yea yea yea. It was long enough that there were three or four dudes that were upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Oh, I was looking at uh, Reddit. I was looking at uh, the fighter and the kids Reddit. Dude. Fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But while I was looking at it, they had a post about us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, shout out to Homeless Cats. And, uh... Hell yeah, dude. They're fucking hilarious. It is very funny. They're dynamics are insane. I was like, looking down through the comments, and one of them just said, hi Shane. I was just like, oh fuck!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what's up dude. Hell yea. That could be our fucking, that could be our fan base dude. Let's poach em. You wanna poach em?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked into it more. You think they're razzin' em? There's definitely some real hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I've said it before and every comic has said it, it's like, nah, I try not to check. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Checking non-stop. And it's funny cause I'll hear other, like New York comics, like Sodor will be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get off that shit. And then the day, I'll notice it, like a day a negative comment comes out about him, whole no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I caught a beat in the hotel room that was so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, we were together. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's four days, no beats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, you know, and then when you're hungover you get, you gotta get a nut off. God, you gotta have to drink off. So I was, I had a hungover nut yesterday just lurking in my belly. You have a headache?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I had a, I had a howler in me. Just a nut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] O'Connor probably had a hard nut in him. O'Connor probably had a nut in there. I'm sure he got some off. He'll just get them off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To give you some context, and that's perfect. Beezer opened to the show in Raleigh and we were listening to the, he was listening to the audio of it because we recorded the sets and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He cleared his throat twice. Into a microphone. Hilarious. So we were just making, we were joking about that the whole time. And then when I finally snuck off to the bathroom, caught a nut before I showered. What's up? When I came, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came out and tried to hide the fact that I jerked off in there for like, I probably lasted 10 minutes and I was like, listen, I wasn't going to tell you guys this, but I just jerked off in there and they were like, yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, but right when I nodded, I made the Beezer noise. I started laughing. I was like trying to secretly jerk off and I came and I was like. Anyway, back to the fucking Reddit, dude. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never had that when I was younger, but now every once in a while, I'll half to fart when I come. And it's so fucking funny, dude. Sometimes I'll do it, and dude, how funny is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something that, like, yeaah. And also, I've claimed it too. We've all claimed it. We've been like, man, you gotta...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would still, you know, occasionally go to the website on my phone. But I had the apps off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which that was a, that was a tough one. That was, you know, that was an easy one to stay away from. The reddit was a refuge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except for every once in a while people be like, he's a pussy for not fighting. It's like dude, what more do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be insane for me to be like, fuck you, fucked it. It's like you don't know everything that's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, I do, but not when it's me that's the quarterback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be tight. It would be tight. Or just start organizing and getting in groups. Why are people scared of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's yea, well. What do you mean? Why are people scared of that?


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[Assistant] If we got, if we got our listeners, if we put together a moose lodge that was also guy heaven, a sick gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, good. Exactly. Where do you want to build it? I don't know. I mean, the first one's gotta be in Philly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They want to? No, but some of them end up living there and you see some old ladies there and it gets pretty sad. Man, what's sadder than a lady at a fucking like VFW that's like a regular? I haven't, I mean I've only, I'm in and out of those. I've seen a couple, I've gone to the Elks with my dad and you see some rough and tumble ladies in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was some nasty boys. It is a safe space to get old and fat in, like in Elks Lodge. Elks Lodge, you can walk in obese as fuck and people will be like, yeah, that's good. You look good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that reminds me. Yo, listen to, uh, have you listened to Wood's new podcast? No, I haven't. Dude, listen to Oral Presentations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called Oral Presentation. That's Wood's podcast? Dude, Wood has a podcast right now that's just, he just started. It's Wood with his fucking accent. Fucking like, I don't know, it's just something I'm trying out right now. It is so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, I'm gonna talk about a little thing. You know, I like to talk a little. It's called...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He calls them oral presentations, but he does like a history cast on the 1904 Olympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is big in the world. He's big in the history. But the way he gets his history is he watches, first off all he does is watch YouTube. He doesn't watch anything else. He watches YouTube from like 9pm to like 4am. Like top 10 scariest houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the guy watching those. You know all those fucking retarded countdown videos that are like 23 minutes long? Wood on a mattress in a shitty room in Philly is the guy watching those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Him alone is- Him alone reading this dude is so funny. He calls the Fyre Festival the FYE Festival throughout the whole thing. You remember the Fyre Festival, the guy who had that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is he called the FYE festival? I think he thought that's what it was called. It's really great to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the store FYE? He calls it the FYE Festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? And that's what I thought it was at first. I didn't realize he was fucking up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought he meant the FYE, like the store that sells electronics, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was trying to set up like a fair type thing in St. Louis, which is where the Olympics were. That was like a, look at all these new inventions type thing. Like a world fair. Which that's why it kind of made sense to me that he was saying FYE. Yeaah. But then it turns out he was just trying to say fire festival.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he was making fun of a bad booker putting together a shitty festival. It's like, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and being like, yeah, yeah, FYE Festival, alright, alright. And then I listened to it with Beezer and he was like, fucking idiot. I was like, nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, have you been to like- I haven't been to the fuckin' mall. I went to the mall, I gotta fuckin' do Christmas shopping tomorrow. Dude, I just started. Oh man, it's Christmas. Just started. This should be a holiday special, dude. It is, dude. Now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're so emboldened by the holiday spirit we don't even have to fucking discuss it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went to in Worcester when I was there. I went to a mall that was abandoned. Like every single store had been gone. It was scary to look at.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had a fucking TJ Maxx at like, you know how they have like, yea, it was at the end of like a long hallway. Big ass TJ Maxx was still going. And Bed Bath & Beyond was still going. And then there was like a food court. Still going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like two restaurants of the like 19 slots. Like every, it was crazy. It's awkward dude. It's weird to see like a failing economy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saikon.com, dude. This is strictly partners, this is Japanese businessmen that come in and save American balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this was like a book store. That would be a good store, like bar, uh, bar rescue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember being young enough to be like, this card's gonna be worth something, I better keep this in the case.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could've fucking retired off that, bro. True. I could've fucking retired off that. You would've got like eight bucks on eBay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine buying a used stuffed animal. Imagine how fucking stupid you have to be.