[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I, I knew she was saying Lebanon, but I was like, no, it's Lebanon. It's right next to Lancaster. Oh my god. And she was like, no, the country. God, that was the whitest thing you could have said. And I was like, you're fucking whiter than me, you maniac.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which I did by the way. She was literally like, uh, you're.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, Lebanon bologna, you guys got good bologna. And she was like, no, the country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the whitest thing I've ever heard. Why would you bring race into the conversation we're having right now? They're obsessed bro. On an introduction. Bro they're obsessed. We're gonna bring race into it? That's insane. They're obsessed dude.


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[Assistant] I don't wanna violate this, so I'm gonna lock my car doors when I drive through this neighborhood.


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[Assistant] We're finally safe. That's fucking ridiculous.


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[Assistant] Yeah. It's pretty funny. That happens in stand-up. Oh, dude, it's brutal. While you're on stage, someone's like, you're being racist! I'm not, listen to what I said. You came up with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, I had a bit that just bombed this. You like this dude, I got a new bit on our lord and savior. About how I can, uh, I can sympathize with Punch's pilot for killing that motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, I don't know, I'm not gonna run a bit by it, but it is just how Jesus was like a dirty little shitty homeless Arab. Like he wasn't like a yoked hot guy. He wasn't like a jacked white like fucking handsome dude that was like, be kind. He was just a homeless shitty Arab dude that was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And people were like, what's his message? What's his message? Basically David Blaine. He was David Blaine, dude. Except he was like four foot three. Like, you know, Jesus was a little tiny guy. Everybody was tiny. Jesus was a little tiny man. For sure. Run around. Skinny as fuck. Homeless. And they were like, what's his message? And he was like, give money to homeless people. Like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His message is give money to, he's like, you know who rules? Homeless guys.


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[Assistant] It's like yeaah, we figured that was his message. Just fucking kill him. Kill him.


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[Assistant] Like just, it's so funny to think of that, like Jesus' message back then. Yeah. Like as a fucking weird random dude just being like, and be nice to homeless people. It's like shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His one friend's a whore, he's like, be nice to whores, too.


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[Assistant] I know, they were just like, wait, the other Jews want to kill this one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asians are the best? I'd say lads are high, they're number one on the rankings.


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[Assistant] Barters are killing it, but there's a real fucking low end to that spectrum too.


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[Assistant] The Asians that are not killing it. There's like a billion of them. Some of the ones that come here are not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hit America? Do well. Yeaah. They're doing the best. One that are still stuck in the fucking back home. That's a rough go. Tough. It's a rough time. Yeaah, you gotta get over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Told you we're the fucking best. Yeah, well that's what countries do after wars. Yeah, to be like, yeah, sign this paper, you lost. You have to sign a paper that says you're gay. We're the best. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just funny now. Every country does that. When I was in Spain, they were like, Spain's the best. I was like, Spain's a shithole, dude. This is a vacation.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is the best I can do. Go to another state, like this state rules.


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[Assistant] That's cause everyone shits on Jersey. So they gotta be like, no, we love it. Like, this place is a highway. This place sucks. It's one turnpike.


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[Assistant] It is. Jersey fucking blows. I hate Jersey. I lived there for two years.


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[Assistant] You know how this fucking ends. It ends and we're all like breaking stones in a fucking camp. This is bad.


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[Assistant] Why do you cross the fucking street like that? And they're like, God damn, man, you crazy. Yeah, that's how we do it. I do. How do you have the fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were in the car complaining that black dudes cross the street like that. Yeah. An ambulance is coming behind us. Stop. A fucking black dude slowly walks across the street. It's like Dr. Strange in an ambulance. In front of a fucking ambulance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You only notice it because you're a white guy when it happens. They do it to black, they do it to each other. It's black on black crimes, crossing the street. Dude, look out the window right now. You will see someone standing in the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a black conservative, you definitely cross with respect. That's the truth. That's how you find out.


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[Assistant] It is, they, they, they will fucking, people on that street will literally just stop their fucking car on both sides. There will be one on the right lane and one on the left. It's indefensible.


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[Assistant] I have a question to our black listeners. When are you going to start using turn signals? When are you going to start using some goddamn turn signals?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean it's the same thing when you're, when you're a minority, when you're the only honky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a honky acting unruly. You're like, stop dude. You're like, you're embarrassing us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, me and Matt Saul, sorry, I hate when I do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and Matt went out to get some keto treats. That was a nice treat. It was man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not even, dude. They were like, some of those kids were like fucking eight. Yeaah, it was like, the oldest chick was probably thirteen. Yeaah, there was young kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what also hurt her was a white woman had allied herself. There was two white women. Well she called them a, what did she call them? A piece of shit? She said something like that. She called them like pieces of shit or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, cause the other white girl screamed it. She was like, you can't call these kids whatever that was. She was like, you're talking to kids. So a white woman fucking lifted the flag for the black kids. So she was full. She swooped down. She felt like Mother Teresa, dude. She was like, I will help you defeat this oppression.


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[Assistant] They were having fun. The kids were, I mean, time of their lives.


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[Assistant] She was like, you could hear how emotional she was because she was screaming. She was mad. From the start.


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[Assistant] And then one of them just mushed her fucking head. Unbelievable, she did not say the N-word.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It was a stunner. Unreal. Unreal that she did not say the fucking n-word.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, cause there was a one, there was a one lane, one way street and people would fucking stop their car. And go inside the house for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is your so bad you get sent home and you get a one on one? You just instantly turn into fucking like Helen Keller and you need like a miracle worker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there's just, there's other terms for it. I don't know. We've been down this path. Nooo. Yea, but you asked me before. I remember somebody actually called it that when I was younger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They call them their hyenas? Yeah, Sublime does that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hilarious, dude. That's the LA term for your fucking bae. Your hyena. If you have a lass, it's a hyena. That's sick. And, uh, you're a fool. Everybody's a fucking fool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] F.O.O. for the fools. That's so fucking cool. You're either a fool or a fucking hunter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what else? Is that what the Foo Fighters are named after? Yes. They go out and fight lads. Foo Fighters.


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[Assistant] I don't really like them. What? Foo Fighters. Foo Fighters? I go through phases and then I'll listen to like two songs and they're fucking gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were awesome. Dude, I think we listened to all... Me and my friends listened to All Mixed Up on repeat one night. I know all the words. It was...


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[Assistant] He's both. I think he's on roids. Has to be. And his head is fucking huge, dude. He's like a big St. Bernard head. He literally looks exactly like a Ninja Turtle.


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[Assistant] His back is like, his back's like that. It's fucking nuts.


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[Assistant] Get fucking jacked. Yeaah. Yeaah. And him up there rapping was so fucking funny. He raps fast as fuck. Yeaah. And he did well. I'm sure yeaah. It was crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was just gonna say anything vibrant thing. Damn. It's pretty tight. How many people were in there? I don't know, maybe a hundred? No, more than that, probably like two hundred. Shit. It was fun. That's awesome. Yea, it was wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a sick party. Yea, oh, Kroll. Ran into fuckin' Nick Kroll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then the Dems, dude. Then all the fucking Democrats. The Democrats were lingering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I just ran into one guy. I was like, what do you do? Cause I figured he did something. He looked cool. Everybody, they were all dressed like fucking Migos. It was ridiculous outfits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like everybody had that, like, the cowboy hat that's like a flat brim. It's like Cam, you're talking about the Cam Newton type shit? Oh, Pharrell. Yea, the Pharrell type hat. They all dressed like NBA players, like, on that walk in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck? It was crazy. Well everyone's convinced they're famous now. And that was really bugging me out. It was a bunch of comedians that were like, acting like they were all famous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Chappelle was the man. Obviously. I didn't meet him at all. I didn't say hi to anybody. But seeing him just like fuck around and get hammered was, it was sick man. It must have been fun as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, seeing Busta Rhymes on stage while I was high, like him get up and be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fuckin' tall, dude. He was big. He was just a giant fuckin' dude. But his security guard was huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I, again, didn't say a word to one person, but yes. Seeing Cube was fucking wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dirk is in a group text with us? Yeah, Dirty Dirk was the one who sent that. Dude, did you watch that? No, I didn't see it. It is so fucking funny. It's that Shazam show with Jamie Foxx.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? It's this guy who won and he's going nuts and then the credits roll. What do you win? I don't know, you win money. It's a show where like they play a second of a song and you have to name the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he names it and he's going nuts celebrating. He's hugging everybody. He just won 250,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's going nuts, the credits roll, and then at the very end it's just his picture and it's like, it shows the dates of his life. He died. Right after the episode. Stop. It's so funny. What? Yea, it's like in memoriam of the guy who won. He won 250 and died? Yea, he probably partied, bro. Holy shit, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a Jeopardy where it was like a retarded lady. She was like, I mean, obviously she wasn't retarded. She was on Jeopardy. She was very smart, but she was like clearly off and weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a female in jeopardy, there's a decent chance you're an autist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so they're just showing this lady, and the whole show I'm watching, I'm like, this lady, look at this fucking moron. Like shitting on her, and then at the very end they're like, by the way, she fucking died.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. It's great. Well, she died. Anyway, I don't know. Autism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But what happened, you had all these- You're trying to win a war, dude. Yeah, exactly. You had all these- You can't have pussies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, dude. I've gone down some rabbit holes watching shell shocked videos. They're fucking horrifying. There's like studies. There was one dude, there's one that's like real famous is if, if a guy saw a red hat, he would lose his fucking mind. Jesus Christ. Terrified, screaming, hide under beds. They would all hide under their beds and shit from the shells.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you showed this guy a red ball, or like a red hat, he would just lose his, cause he saw one of his, he was a French dude and he saw his commander get his fucking head blown off. And he was wearing a red hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's guys that, like, they're shaked, like, it's insane. Because World War I veterans are like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's wild, dude, and they can't walk, they walk like, it's crazy. And then some guy was like, pussy, fucking pussy. Yeah, we were like, what are you guys, pussies? What are you guys fucking over there, fighting Jerry? Jerry's gave you what for? Now you're a faggot. Now you walk like a fag. Get off my lawn, fags.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna page one real quick? Switch to a page, yea. Alright, let's page to the rest of those. Let's switch to a page, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're in Patreon, Patreon episode, reporting, we're in. Okay, let's do this. Everything's in here, we're good to go. I'm here with Sid the Kid. What's up guys? Just giving you guys, just giving you guys a little something, man. It's a rainy, what, Friday? It's a Friday, is it? Alright, I was thinking it was Saturday all day. I'm fucked up right now, I'm dealing with a pregnant girlfriend. Yeah. Which sucks. Dude, it's like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my brother, cause you know when you first find out and everyone's like, you're like, you're like, oh my god, we're gonna, you know, you, it's a magical moment. With you and the, with you and your girl, whoever it is, it's like, you're like, oh my god, we're gonna do this, you feel really close. Yeah. And I went out, we're telling my family, and then like, I saw my brother, and he was just like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not having a kid, the pregnancy. Yeah, the pregnancy. Okay. Cause we're talking about, you know, we're talking base stuff. And I'm like, yeah man, you know, everything's going cool, everything's smooth. He was like, dude, wait, just wait. And dude, it's like, the hormone, apparently, like I said, it's the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the equivalent to 400 birth control pills a day. That's the levels of hormones you're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shit that was going on. You know what I mean? Yea, dude. Yea. Dude, like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's wild. They'll just be like shit where it'll be like, go do this. And I'm like, yeah, I'm doing something. It's like, so you're not going to do it? And it's like, no. You gotta hustle. It's like, yeah, but dude, it would have been like, I would have been 40 minutes late and I'm like, oh, suddenly I had to go pick up a certain food. It's like, eat something else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I can't, I can't baby. I'm like, I will, I would, if I wasn't doing something, I will get you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Jesus fucking Christ, use Uber Eats, get something else. She wanted Chick-fil-A. She's like, Chick-fil-A doesn't deliver. I'm like, get something fucking else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they, they are allowed to be, so you're saying like there's high octane rocket fuel in the tank and there's just society's like checkered flags like, you can be a bitch. Be a bitch. Be a bitch. Go. 100%. Yeah, man. And people are just like, yeah, that's actually true. Yeah. And she's just vroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, you should totally stop what you're doing and get all particular food on a moment's fucking notice, and it's like... Dude, you're not in labor!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, well that's the other thing. I think they should, this is where this stuff kind of gets mixed up for me because it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should totally let pregnant chicks chill. It shouldn't work. They should go home. They should relax. Again, there's just people like, well, you know, people have babies in war zones. It's like, whatever. It's sub-ideal. 100%. Sub-ideal, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have someone like pregnant and just like the stress of work, it's fucking bad. It's a bad thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So on the one hand, it's like, I'm a woman, do everything I can, you know, do everything for me, I'm pregnant, you should realize this, and at the same time, like, and I'm in no way affected negatively by this process, and I should be able to do everything I wanna do during this time. It's like, you're asking for two different things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I woulda like, yea, you can't work, you're pregnant. Like, your thinking's all fucked up. I'd be fucking slapped. And if I'm like, well, fucking man up, you're just pregnant. You know, dude, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's, that's true and that's, you know, that's how it should be, but... Fuck man. It's just like... Some of that shit is just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The expectation of like, come do this right now. And dude, if I wasn't doing something, I would go do it. But it's like, you have to, you have to chill. But again, it's, it's, you know, it's one of those things that's impossible because if I took maybe two birth control pills, I'd be fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well you didn't get pregnant. But yeah, dude, it was, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's like, that's, dude, it really, it sounds so cliche, but the mood swings are just like, fucking wild. Yeah. So, I'm dealing with that right now. Yeah, man, good luck. I know. And dude, there's no like, it is funny, cause there really, there's no, it's just people laughing at you. Yeah. You're just like, yeah, that sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How quickly they forget, dude. Yeaah. Yeaah, that would be nice. I might, I might start chronicling. I've thought about that before, but I was like, dude, that would, if you chronic, if you started being like, I never did that, and if I, if I had compiled notes, and I was able to like, go to like an actual compilation of things. Yeaah, check the minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, cause I have like no short term memories, so I'm at a total disadvantage, so I'm like, I don't think that happened, I just have a sense, and she's like, no, da-da-da-da-da-da, and then like, I'll find out it didn't, and it's just like, okay, well whatever, you know, sometimes we make it right, and it's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, apparently carrying girls is harder on body. Yeah, especially when you're carrying two. Oh yeah, they're arguing in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my, that's my thing. Where I'm like, I'm all about not setting bad precedents. Always. So that's a thing. I've been, I've been, I've been super like going with the flow with it, helping out, doing like, oh no I got you, da da da da da. There's a certain thing of like, come to my job. I have a thing against dudes who go to their wives or girlfriends jobs. Like I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I not even like, I'll go there and bring her stuff, but I used to work in a pizza shop where a dude would sit there the entire time his girlfriend was on a shift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just, I was like, dude, I fucking hate the fact that this dude's doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it's true. And it's a good space for a dude who's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I would, I have, and I could be wrong, but I would say like 80% of dudes are trying to cheat on their girlfriends or wives. That's in my universe, in my DC universe. It is funny cause there was like a, I was working with a guy one time when I was doing the housing thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't it fuck you up how every dude wants to fuck your girlfriend? And I was like, I mean, I don't really think, he's like, every single dude that you walk by wants to fuck your girlfriend. And I was like, Jesus Christ, man. I was like, you don't have to think about it like that. It's not, it's not, he's like, well dude, everyone would. You'd fuck my girlfriend. I'm like, yeah, no, I wouldn't. He's like, trust me, dude, if you were alone with my girlfriend and no one knew, you'd fuck her. That's how people are. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I hear like Greek wisdom, I'm like, sounds like that's definitely old black dude wisdom where you're like, woah dude. I gotta put onto the audition phase. When I was in the laborers union, I would be like, when I was with my ex-wife, I'm like, you don't understand guys, she's so cool. It's like the beginning thing, a lot of times girls will talk about like threesomes, it's the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're like, no, I'm like, I hear you guys bitching about your wives and stuff, but like, my, and they were like, well, how long did you guys, how long ago did you meet? I'm like, three months, like dude, she's in the audition phase. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck you talking, I'm like, what does that mean? They're like, all chicks do that stuff when you first meet them. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No they don't. Like dude, fuck that guy was right. Motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know, I know what you're talking about. Exactly. Well, there's two sets of cool chicks. There's chicks impressing chicks and chicks impressing dudes. Exactly. And they're very exclusive. I thought, there's cool chick, there's like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like my, my ex-wife would talk about how her, this is probably why I'm fucked up about it too. She'd be like, my ex-boyfriend would come bring me a sandwich, literally. He would, I would be at the beach, or he'd be at the beach and I'd be here, and I'd be like, I want a cheesesteak from where you're at, bring me one. And he would drive all the way and bring me a cheesesteak.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Mike's bringing me a cheesesteak, all the way from there, yeaah, I can, you know, he's coming, I, dude, and they, and they start going, look at their boyfriend, he won't bring me a fucking cheesesteak, and it just sets off this negative cascade. No one ever talks about this, dude. No one talks about the female ego. It's, it's, uh, it's toxic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's brutal, dude. Yeah. It's so, it's so, uh, intangible that it's like, like if I'm like, if I, like the male ones traditionally like, someone in coming and like, like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like conquest and like domination. The female ego's exclusion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it'll be like, we're gonna cut people out of the circle, and then just like watch as people are like, woah, what can I, it's, it's, that's been my thing. From my vision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they kinda have that in Snapchat where you can see like old face, but if they could do like a timed, they probably could dude. They probably will get to that point in the future where you can do a genetic code and they can tell you like this is what you're gonna pretty much look like. Using your genetic code in your picture now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They could probably tell you, I think they could probably set that up in like five years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you can also like, dude, if that was on dating apps where it was like, you swiped and it matched, then you just got to like, double tap their picture. Dude, Italian chicks would fall, dude. You double tap and they all just like, cherry bomb out. A lot of Italian chicks just go like, get like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. It's like the, um, the blueberry from Willy Wonka. When they get the blueberry stuff and just like, they just become very spherical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, that would be tight. I'm telling you, you could do genetic code from Ancestry.com


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then double tap the picture and they're just like, that would be fucking, that's tough stuff. Although I have nothing but the utmost respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. You know? I have lots of respect. If you, if you, if you just like I said, cause you can't help that dude, that's going to happen. Like, again, I've said this before, a chick's ultimate mission is to become fat and mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although you've, you've shot that theory down. Cause you kind of attributed that kind of to maybe a little bit of a racial thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, yeaah. I have a theory that I just formulated that all women are okay with slavery. One, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like I really think if you were to pull them secretly, if you could do a truth detector, lie detector, it would come off as a lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was their idea. Because any time you pay somebody, they're like, how much are you paying him? You don't have to pay him. It's like, dude, relax. You can't have slaves. You settled this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean she was like, you're free from slavery, but you have to basically do what I say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was their relationship. 100%. She basically was like, you're free from slavery, but, uh. Was her slave friend. Yeaah, you're gonna be my slave now, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like, slavery? But yea, I've like, from being in school, I've observed a lot of women around food, so during finals time, and this makes no sense dude, so like, imagine if like, you were like, we're mutually stressed, and I'm like, hey, I baked us brownies for us to eat to kinda take the edge off, you'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. Like I have like, here's some brownies, it's easy to eat them. They'll like, bring each other sweet food when they get stressed about our finals, which are again, the easiest dumbest fucking things.


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[Assistant] They like, they congregate and there's like all these little treats in there and they, dude, I'll be sitting there like typing something up.


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[Assistant] And they literally all come in and they see like a brownie or like some sort of granola bar and they go, what's this? And it's like, you know what the fuck, this is a fucking cupcake. You know exactly what this is. You're like, you see me seeing you and you have to now start this whole process where you're like, okay, what's this? And it's like, it's a fucking cupcake.


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[Assistant] You gonna eat it or what? Like, what are you doing? Yea, I'm trying to graduate. I don't have time to play this fucking game. No, it's like, as soon as they see it, it's like, they get hit with this, you just pick it up and eat it, though like, it sets off this thing.


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[Assistant] That's true. I mean you can eat the all meat diet and lose weight, but if you eat all beef and then cookies too, it's like you'll become so fucking fat.


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[Assistant] Either become super fat or just unbelievably fucking yoked and ripped. Yeah.


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[Assistant] And it's like, dude, I try to be nice, I'm not being an asshole, but there are some things that are like, I get it, you're fucking pregnant. It's, it's an amazing, I have like a whole new respect for like our relationship, I'm like, this is crazy, we're creating a kid, it really is like an, it's an eye opening thing, and you get, you, you said this to me years ago, and it's like, starting to kind of come true.


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[Assistant] The world sorta opens up when they're finding out you're having a kid.


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[Assistant] It's almost, it's not like a secret society, but people start treating you differently. Yeaah. And they like, they'll like, like usually go to the doctor and like, oh I'm here, my foot's fucked up. And they're like, yeaah, sign a paper. When you're just like having a kid, then that person starts telling you their like, kid stuff. It's like an instant, uh,


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[Assistant] It's an instant thing where you empathize with that person. As soon as you find out they have a kid, you're instantly kinda linked in a weird way.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, it is pretty wild. It's also a really perilous thing you're doing. You know what I mean? So like, you're like, you see someone else and you're doing this to them, like, all right, cool. And you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To not have shitty kids and then you see someone doing it and you're like...


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[Assistant] He's gonna try it. Yeah, that's pretty wild. They'll see that and be like, well I guess I can try this one out.


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[Assistant] What is like a cop callable offense on a seven year old?


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[Assistant] That's fucking bullshit, dude. It is, I don't even, I wasn't there though. Do you think the mom masterminded that whole scheme? Dude, she probably sent them out there not paying attention.


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[Assistant] Damn, dude. So he said that was the kids idea?


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[Assistant] Also, where does a seven year old generate that idea from? That's my question.


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[Assistant] That's fucking crazy. It is. Well thank god, yea, thank god they're fine. That could have taken a fucking tough turn, dude.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, it was like, it was basically, I probably fell. I probably fell into a bunch of people.


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[Assistant] Cause I had to jump down and that jump was a lot higher than I thought.


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[Assistant] Coming to get me, and I was like, I'll just disappear into this huge mass of people, and it was just like...


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[Assistant] Dude, I, uh, it made sense, but yeaah, that would have been insane. That would have been crazy. I think, I've told this story before and I think I have. When I got, uh, I was at the Beastie Boys concert when I was like 19. That was, I was like, I was delivering beer at the time. I remember I, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, like, I was, I was working late. You know, like, whenever, like, especially, like, when I was, like, especially when I was, like, 19, I would drink a lot, and, like, when your friends are already drinking and you're not drinking, it's like, I gotta catch up right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I got off work, and I just like, started pounding fucking beers, and people had like the nitrous balloons, and uh, I was like smoking weed, and my friend, I was like, I'm so fucking tired, she was like, here, take an Adderall. And I didn't know, I was young then, like, I cannot handle stimulants, dude. I go into full, like, manic mode, like, I just instantly go into a mania, basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] of like, it just, I'm fucked up, and it's like you throw the alcohol into that, I'm like, it's, it's like, you know how like people take it to study? I'll like, focus exclusively on horrible ideas, where I'm just like, oh fuck yeah, and I get like total motivation to carry them out.


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[Assistant] It's pretty tight actually. Like the last time I had Adderall was in Westchester when I was drinking on it.


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[Assistant] And I just literally saw a cup of soda and it was like from a block away. I just honed in on it and walked up and just kicked the fuck out of it. People were sitting there eating food. I just kicked their soda and was like, I'm sorry. Like I literally, I was like, I had meant nothing by it. I just saw it there and I kicked it. There was dude.


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[Assistant] So I got, I was in the concert, my brother like, we were sitting, we were kinda close, but there's still like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went back in, lost my shoe, went back into the concert with one shoe on, and then saw my friend getting kicked out. They, they mistook us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was just like, I walked up, I felt kinda bad about it, and they saw me again and kicked me back out. So then I kicked my other shoe off, and then I snuck in with the Aramark workers. I definitely talked about this on here before. Snuck in with the Aramark workers.


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[Assistant] That's, that's like literally why I can't. Sick. Anyone, I would've gotten kicked out and been like, alright, I'll just get the fuck out of here. But also I had no phone on me. Yea. I had no, my phone was dead, I had no money because I had sweatpants on so I didn't want anything in my pockets. So I was like, just got to Philly, didn't know my way around, had no resources on me and no sneakers on and I was like, I gotta get back into the concert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked in with Aramark, since I had no shoes on I pulled my sweatpants over my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just still trying to figure it out. I tried the first fucking hole, my head got stuck, and I was, and I kinda had to climb back down. Dude, I did the same thing at Live Aid. I went down to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was with my like high school girlfriend, we went down there, and it was the same thing, it was a backstage access thing, and I was like, we were both drunk, and I was like, they were letting press through, and I was like, we're with channel 6, and I said it very like, very seriously and very sternly, and they were just like, and I'm like, come on, seriously, I don't have time for this, and like walked past them.


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[Assistant] So smooth- Rob Thomas is a guy from, uh, he did a song, So Smooth, with Santana.


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[Assistant] It's like an ocean. He, uh, he did that and he had a band. I can't think of the fuel, man. I don't know what it was called, his band was called, but I saw Rob Thomas, I remember walking past, Rob Thomas was the only person who was like, kinda cool. I saw Chris Tucker and like, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very good at breaching security. Yea. Very good at breaching security and also like assessing loss prevention systems and just completely taking advantage of them.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but it's dangerous, dude. Like the self-checkouts, I've talked about that before. Yeah. Dude, I mean, it was like...


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[Assistant] I can literally scan all the options and then simultaneously like what the actual repercussions would be according to like a criminal code cause it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I don't know how, you can't assume I know how to use this machine.


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[Assistant] I can make a mistake, and if you bring it to my attention before I leave the store that's not stealing, I made a mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like that, like the oncoming, the onslaught of like oncoming customers, you feel that all, that's like a load on your nervous system all day long. So you feel that, like when I would be making food and like doing the registers when we're in the lunch truck and you see a line of people, you're just absorbing all that impatience the whole time. So they're doing that too, and to them it's like a quick easy decision, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck it. Stake it. It's not, it's nothing away from me. That's pretty ingenious, cause I'm all about foolproof ways like that.


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[Assistant] Damn, you sleight of handed a fucking super sucker keychain. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm a big fan of Home Depot, where like you get a really nice paintbrush, and you just leave it carelessly hanging out of your pocket. So it doesn't look like you're trying to conceal it, you're just like, oh fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, here, look through, and I start digging through the cart with them, and I'm like, what the fuck is it? And they're like, yeah, just get out of here. Cause most, those beepers are just a nuisance, and everyone, it's funny cause everyone goes, huh, and then you just, you stand there and smile, and they're like, what the fuck, and then like, dude, as soon, as long as you're cool, it's, it's pretty, it's a bad thing to teach, but dude, the Whole Foods hot bar is the most, like,


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[Assistant] Their fuck up is doing, uh, and this is where I'm like, I kinda hate myself. Because they're trying to use like, compostable, biodegradable material, and in my head I'm like, ooh, fifty dollar fucking, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's $4 instead of $50, but it's like...


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[Assistant] Yeah, my religious code was strictly sexual. I would steal with impunity when I was little, but I would jerk off and feel bad for like six days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For some reason stealing never like, that never crossed my mind. I would steal stuff when I was little and just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then like, I would like, jerk off in my bathroom, and be like, fuck dude.


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[Assistant] It's coming for me. Cause I was in Catholic school, so I was being fully Psy-Opped.


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[Assistant] It's funny too, cause even the whole concept of hell, of like, where like the fury, like the furno after what, comes from like Greek, and uh, I mean, I'm sure it comes from shit before that. But that's also present in Roman and Greek mythology. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda nice. Yeaah, that's kinda different. See, I like to see it, like I said, when the stores did the self-checkouts, it's almost more of a curiosity thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this, how perfectly is this engineered? Or is this, how much does this depend on people's perceptions? Where like, if I'm just like jovial, moving around, and if I act super confident,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just keep that price tag in the cart, so when you lift it, you grab the price tag and put that over the barcode, and you're scanning it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you just drop that little price tag, and then, or you can crumple it up in your hand, you put that away. So they're watching you scan things. Yea, that's slight of hand. And it's pretty, it is slight of hand, actually it's big time slight of hand. Yea, that's some slight of hand. And then you walk out, and you're just like, the key too is you don't go crazy, you're just going for a couple free things. Don't try to fucking walk out a fucking ghost cart with like nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is crazy, I can't, this is, come on, let's go back. We went through and I'm like-


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[Assistant] You're saying I didn't ring up this thing? And I didn't ring up this thing? It's like pfft. Wow. And the whole time it was, they were just like, they watched me ring everything up. I'm like, thank you so much. And they're like, yeah, okay, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, without, yeaah, so it was like without, uh, so I had a partner, without ratting him out, it was like, I was like, look, don't go to, they're excited, and, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a huge advantage of like, there's not like, what if I drop it, what's going on? It's just like, run as fast as you fucking can at all those people and try to get past them. It's like, no doubt dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, that sucks that guy to be like, I think that guy stole an apple, and you're like, god damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You caught stealing an apple and then you eat it in an entirety before the palace guards, your sister, something bad happens to a female.


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[Assistant] So he walked back with a full apple belly and was like, oh sweet, girl fights again. Perfect. I'm just in time for girl fights. Yup. Damn.


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[Assistant] Fuuuck. So that's, yea, so she was more of a smooth operator, which is kinda devastating. To have someone beat you up physically than be able to mentally, like, scorn you as well.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well it's like, it's amazing how important that wa- I feel like it's-


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[Assistant] It's not anywhere near as like integral to be able to like fist fight really well. That was like a real point of pride and like an important one too. Because if you're living in, you know, living in an area that's kind of quiet, someone's fucking with you, you can go beat their ass. Before like now it's like cops, lawsuits, all that shit. Back then it was just like someone came and beat your fucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course you had a fight. I mean that's like classic, that's like timeless. Of course dude, you guys are enemies, you have no choice. You're not gonna be like, yea what the fuck are moms? You're like, I'm gonna fuck you up dude. Yea, but my mom would always fight, so my mom- That would work on me now.


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[Assistant] It was tough. Yea, cause ours were more like our older cousins would organize us and make us fight each other. It was more for their entertainment.


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[Assistant] They like put on boxing gloves, we would fight, somebody would end up crying.


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[Assistant] And then like we'd all get, the parents would be like, stop, knock that off. That was pretty, that was kind of the like...


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[Assistant] Like we had boxing gloves and the older kids would organize fights. And then as you got older and you had younger cousins, you'd make them fight. And they're like, alright, fight each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Yeah, if you weren't getting forced to fight kids bigger, then it's terrifying. So I had to fight, you know, I'd have to box my older cousins and it's just like, just terrifying. I remember being little and being like, this guy's gonna hit me, it's gonna hurt, I'm not going to win. This is not fun. There wasn't like a fight there to be had. It was just like, I'm going to lose this. This guy's gonna beat me up and everyone's cheering this on.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and that's, with boys, it's like a couple years older than you, it doesn't make a difference. Dude, he's angry already.


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[Assistant] It's terrifying. That was like when I played baseball and there was like the big kids who could throw like, I mean I, back then I swear it was like 90 miles an hour, and really they were throwing like 40 and it was like, soof, hitting the petrol. I'm like, I literally quit. When I saw the kids who were throwing balls really fast, I was like, I'm done, I'm cool on baseball now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was not into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's terrifying. As a little boy, when you see bigger, like, kids who are going to adolescence, it's, it's like, to fuck with them physically is scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was. That's so funny. Your mom was disapproving. She's like, this is fucking gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Roddy was nerd, there's the one nerd self-defense, it's the, uh, fuck I never can remember the name of it.


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[Assistant] It's the one where it's just about like evading attacks. It's not judo, you're like actually trying to flip and stuff. That's the one.


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[Assistant] It's not judo, but it's like an offshoot of judo. It's not capoeira. Akito? Akito. Yeah. Akito's the one, that's like pure.


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[Assistant] You're not hurting, you're not really hurting people, is that like? I mean there are joint locks. Gotcha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to think about what would happen if you took a kid, and I don't think anyone's ever done this obviously, but like, if you were to put a kid in like a totally


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They might die actually, I'm trying to think. But if you were to put a kid in an isolated environment and let them, you know, you fed them, you monitored all their biological, uhm, you know, their needs and necessities,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Completely, so you gave the person all they needed, you gave them all the instructions they needed, and like you were like there but not in spirit. You were just kinda like, or you were there, not physically, but you were like instructing them, telling them what was going on, narrating what was going on, and then seeing what kind of, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always like reading, I was reading a book today about the origins of consciousness and they went through all of the different explanations like, the first explanations like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, consciousness comes out of matter. And then there's like, no, consciousness comes out of cellular organisms. Like, no, consciousness comes out of learning. And like, no, consciousness is this weird metaphysical property. So like, I haven't gotten into the meat of this book yet. But in my head I'm like, dude, I wonder what the fuck would happen if you just let a kid in like a dark room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it tough? I'm trying to think how I can capture this kid. I want to capture this kid and isolate them, but you'd have to give them, you'd have to give them something because they'll just totally lose their minds or just be like, they'll just revert into like total like animal status.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why don't I try to raise someone like happily fat wife? Yeah? That's the fucking move, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just uh, like, and I would just, dude, I would raise a fearless motorcyclist. So I'd be able to like hold onto this like big soft fat lady and have her fly on a motorcycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be sick. Yeah, I was thinking about the dude also in that book there talking about how you can cut a worm in half. Mhm. And it, it becomes two worms. Yeah. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With a worm, you're like, you'll cut a worm in half and you're like, it's writhing in agony, but it's like, it's not, technically what they say, it's not feeling anything. Then if you cut it in half, you're actually doing the worm population and the bird population a favor. Cause if you cut them right in half, they eventually grow back and now it's two worms. So is that two distinct worms or are all worms all the same thing? So there's like no distinction in worms basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, if you cut a worm in half and it's like, fuck, ah, ah, and then it's just like, now it's another worm, like do worms fuck each other? Or do they just like, wait to get cut in half by shovels?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it, and that's the other thing too, that like, is learning consciousness. But then again, there's, so there's like, you can have, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can teach like a dog, like a, or even a person, you can pavilonianly, like do like pavilonian conditioning to a human, to where like, a bell sounds, they're getting shocked, and then they hear the bell, and they're like, uh, so like that's learned, and people say that's consciousness, but then there's a whole part of that where humans being like, what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and that's where it gets confusing because people talk about that as learning and then the consciousness is more imagination. The ability to be able to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Understand the future, different phases of time, all that weird stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Technically you learn that, but there's also, yea, this stuff's like super fucking complicated. So I'm excited to read the book, because apparently the writer posits a theory on where it comes from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also started reading a book about the, uh, fuck, it's the, it's called, it's about like what we were talking about before, like Rosicrucians and all that stuff. Oh yea, secret societies. Yea, what the fuck's this book called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see, it's all about where the idea of the dweller and the threshold came from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, but dude, I didn't even talk about this, this guy, someone compiled a bunch of fucking, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone gave me a literal dossier on Philadelphia, uh, like Masonic symbolism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently they're, they're by birth. There's a lot of this stuff is birth line. Yeah. By bloodline, they're connected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hermit Lane was named after, there was a German, like, mystics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this was like a while ago. This is when I had, remember I brought my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dog, my old dog, my dog from my- The husky. The mar- the Akita. Akita, yea yea. We went down there, we went down to that little cave. Yea. That was when, uh, my- my ex-girlfriend popped up and showed us- remember the woods? Yea yea yea. And she told me my fucking dog? Yea, one of the most- dude that was like- That was the weirdest fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember that. Fuck, dude. Yeah, that was funny. That was weird. That was very strange. I remember she was like, come check it out, we're just seeing the woods. And I was like, yeah, I guess I'll let you show me around it, dude. Yeah. What was going on in my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How could I be so lame of mine to trust my double ex-girlfriend dude in the woods? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was married, I moved to an area of Philadelphia where I really didn't like, it was like a weird area, and it just so happened that my ex-girlfriend lived, somehow by chance, like, two minutes away in the same neighborhood, just ended up living there. I just bumped into her, I was like, what the fuck? Yeah. She seemed, she was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, dude. I knew. That was like coming out of Hurricane Irene hitting Hurricane Doreen. So I was like- So she was hiding-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was like, the jack in the box was wound tight. I was sitting there just kinda like, yeaah?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna show me the trails? Okay? This is nice! Yea dude, that was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I shouldn't have done that. Yea. But also I was dealing with like, my ex-wifey and like, no it's cool, like, she was defending her heavy use of dude friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, and I'd be like, well if I were my, you know, my ex, she's like, you can go hang out all of a sudden, and I'm like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how you'd go about making a feat, cause I would feel as if the girl thought I was trying to fuck her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, didn't even like, didn't even like grab it, like they, and I was like, I'm not being an asshole, but if I'm in the same bed, I'm gonna at least try to like, see where that, what happens with that. Unless it's like a weird survival situation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? But it's like if I'm a, you're talking about a single man having a girl come home and be like, can I, mind if I crash here? In my head I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if my lack of female friends is just the fact that I'm a pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I've never, I've never had female friends, but I wonder if they're like, oh, this guy's a pervert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I recently have been able to have them now, but because I'm like, I'm in a relationship, I'm like not trying to. It's funny cause like I, when I was younger,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you get into a lot of like animus possession shit where like you get chicks who like are just getting off now and like boosting their ego by being like, I'm commanding this dude. Rather than it being like, there's some dude here, he's nice, we do nice things. It's like you have to then like capture and control the male spirit and then like show how much you do that. It's kind of sick man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, yeah well, I mean, it's, what I, what I've always experienced with dating is that I feel like women want to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, it's like they want to get a dude, like you were saying, like a dude who would like, they think might, who's not gonna like, date them and be like, oh thank god, I'm dating a girl, I'm so excited to date a girl, what do you want me to do? Then have a little bit of pushback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, but they want to eliminate the pushback, but they also don't want to eliminate the pushback. So they seek to eliminate the pushback, let's call it, or like you not doing, giving them their way every time. They try to absolutely cripple that whole, the whole regime of that's you and your like, own independent personality. It seems kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they'll try to like, your, uh, your will, I guess. They try to like, take that out, but as that leaves, they start to like you less. It's really weird. They do. That's the paradoxical thing about dating. I found out that it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't date guys who smoke weed. It's like, I was smoking weed the night you met me. Yeaah. You know, and this, this wasn't with, with Brittany, but it was with other people being like, I don't date guys who smoke weed. And then like, you would go along with that a little bit, or if you're just like, fuck it. You know, it's weird. It's a very weird, uh, thing. They try to completely deconstruct your personality, and then if you actually give into it, they're just bored and they leave you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to bone, but I didn't. That's a lot of good boy points, dude. It'd be like, damn, I wanted to fuck this chick so bad. That's a psy-op, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. I don't ever, I don't stoke the jealousy flames at all with her. Yeah. I should start stoking them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a bad move, dude. That's pretty sick. I feel good about it. Go back and be like, dude, this girl will not leave me alone. Yeah. Yeah, I don't do that. I don't, I just, I'm like, I might even bring this up. I don't want to talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if it comes up. I'm just gonna start making it up. Yeah. I'm like, there was this chick, she grabbed my fucking ass. Yeah. But dude, I gotta, uh, it's nine o'clock. I gotta go, speaking of my pregnant girlfriend, I gotta go get her. Absolutely. That was sick. That was perfect. Hour and 22 minutes. Hell yea. For the page. What else you got going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's awesome dude. Yeaah, it's pretty crazy. That's fucking sick. Yeaah, so. Yeaah, and we'll, uh, we'll have some, you know, it's fun. This podcast is in a strange?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's good. It's all good. It's all good. All great stuff. It is. I'm happy. It's fucking, it's fun. So we'll, you know, so we'll get. Yeah, but it's, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do it. So yo, I will say this. The ship is uh, the ship's sailing dude. If you wanna jump off, if you wanna fucking cry, if you wanna fucking mutiny, do so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cast is fucking exploding, dude. The cast is exploding. It's all, everything's all good. Everyone fucking, there's a lot of crybabies, dude. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it, you know, I appreciate you guys on some level, but god damn, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get outta here, dude. Suck my fucking dick, dude. Haha, yeaah. Suck their dicks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. What? This podcast is brought to you by nobody. Shane was a bad boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what it was, man? It's the classic, it was the story of the dude who flies near the sun, dude. Icarus? Icarus, dude, it's classic Icarus. We, at first, we were the tree. We were the humble tree, just slowly inching towards the light, and dude, we mothed out, flew to a star, and they were like, get the fuck off!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? What were the DMs? Like, I'm gonna fucking kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have white stone, black stone, dude. You can choose either path. It's like, it'd be funny to take it all the way and to start going like deeply underground and go on an Instagram to like different cities and stand in front of like the Eiffel Tower and just say like a horrible word and just be like, and just phase out. It's like the newspaper, like, he fucking did it again. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously, you fell into formation. They're like, you're gonna be racist against white people, let's fucking go. So you're like, alright, we got dagos, fucking pollocks. You're like, alright, I'll make fun of them, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, that is a thing too man. It's like, well it's another thing. There's like, I was watching something on YouTube and the guy was talking about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bitch, it's like, the thing is, if you were the fucking CEO of like, GlaxoSmithKline, I could see people be like, what the fuck? This is like, it's a comedy podcast, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's everything going with you, man? Yeah, you guys alright? Is everything okay? And if you- How about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's the other thing too, I, I, again, this could be my, this could be me, I feel like you're getting a lot of frustrated creatives. And they see someone-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what it is. It's a lifestyle, dude. Yo, come on, man. It's a fucking lifestyle, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My question was, was it opportunistically? Me? No, it wasn't opportunistically. I saw blatant opportunism. People being like, I saw the tape and I don't approve, here's my link to my bio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all worth it. This has all been to fucking give that book to platforming needs really. I'm trying to get that book bought. You're a setter bro. We're playing volleyball and you're like, you know what dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny to me when I went on the Twitter, again, I was on a- first of all- You were on the Twitter? I was on the Twitter, they made me break my dopamine fast. I really considered being like, I'm not looking at this shit, and I'm like, I'd be a psycho to be like, I'm doing a dopamine fast, I can't look at this stuff. You are a psycho.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you did. I'm saying that's a serious paper chase though. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like those dudes and those things are trying to get the online cloud doing this, it's fucking wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the funniest part, where it's like, now the sites are on comedy podcasts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get 50 G's for a gillis n-word tape, dude. None, baby. NONE. Dude. That's the holy grail. That is. That's the absolute holy grail to catch someone on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you feel now that it's kind of slightly washed over? Uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just giving them heads, there's some dudes sitting there like, alright, that's fine. Well, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To take someone something says, like if I were to like, start watching Brad Pitt's fucking film and be like, you know Brad Pitt said the n-word? And write a big article and be like, Brad Pitt's a fucking racist. And it's like a stretch, you know, everyone says that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be like, yea, you guys completely, that's like a journalistic error.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's such a hard thing though to have to explain to people. You're like, I know, I know, it's just, like, you're allowed to joke around. Why is that even a joke? It's like, I don't know. It's just, you can fuck around. We're trying to make people laugh. It's taken out of hundreds of hours of material. And someone's like, here's 30 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What manifested blood hate on the page of their fucking journalism? That's what I'm saying, dude. I mean, dude, I don't want to brag, journalists, but we have like a wide spectrum of ethnicities. We do. We do. We do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dare they white-splain comedy for everybody else, that's what I'm saying. They did white-splain comedy. They white-splained comedy. They also, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They've never been in the trenches, bro. It's like, dude, I just don't view it that way. Everyone's my fucking kin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's at the table with me, dude. You're at the table with me, dude. We fucking bust chops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna be like, your haircut looks funny, my black friend, but I wouldn't dare speak down to you. Although your haircut looks a bit funny, my black friend, I wouldn't dare offend your lowly position.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just fucking cra- dude, it's, it's, um, what I'm saying is this shit is fucking madness, dude. It is. It's a small amount of people, I don't know how the fuck they control the newspapers, but it's like, they're fired up, dude, and this shit sells newspapers. Yeah, this is all- So it's like, this shit is, this stuff is bullshit, dude. It cannot, it cannot be given the fucking credence of being like- Yeah, that's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's also reported in an inaccurate manner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucking religion. It's a fucking religion, dude. It's a religion. This shit is a religion, it makes no fucking- I've had people in my school tell me, you have to suspend your logical faculties and just feel it. I'm like, that's a fucking cult, sorry guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For, do you remember the news in the fucking 90s? In like early 2000s? It was just like, black guy committing crime tonight, black guy, and then it was just Bush and uh, Clinton were like, we gotta talk, we're cracking, we're tough on crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And here we are, dude. I'm not saying it's all the news fault, but they stoked a narrative for politicians to ride the cocktails of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To win the vote, to be like, that's all this is. Again, we're in the political wake of just propaganda and bullshit. And now it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is literally a religion. No, there's no religion left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like that Jungian shit, you take religion away, and people are like, oh I don't believe in God, and then they put all that religious energy in. If you look at bad words, it was hell and damn back when everyone believed in God. It was like, hell, oh my god, like they really thought you were going to hell. Now what are the taboo words? Slurs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an inquisition, bro. And I get what you're saying, there's a- I like still-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucking inquisition. I still, I still feel, I feel badly, but I'm with you. There's a human element where like if someone would be like, God, that hurt my feelings, I'd be like, ah, I feel bad, dude. I do feel bad. Sorry. I do. I, I feel bad, right, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, at the, the one place I go to, they, uh, they do a rice bowl now, and it's so fucking good, and I was, dude, the whole, like, I could see, they cook, I'm like, I was waiting for someone to be like, pfft. Like, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She hit me hard, dude. She's like, actually, and it was like, all of it was like, he lives in New Jersey, false. False. That's the thing too. Wrong. It's a small blog. Wrong. But it also shows you what's going on. It's like, you have a person who's now making pretty severe accusations against me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she would link to stuff and it would go nowhere, it was just dead ends. And then it was like, lives in New Jersey. False. He runs a vegan taco truck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] False. It was all this shit that was false, but she just puts it out as if it's a fact, and it's like, dude, that's your job. You're like, you guys suck at comedy, that's not- It's like, you're a fucking journalist, and you cannot report a thing accurately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, like, it's just, it's such fucking bullshit, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just, you're a good time Charlie, dude. You're out here trying to tell jokes and make people laugh and have fun. Yeaah. Yeaah. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It's like, you feel, obviously you're like, dude, I legitimately feel for people, I am upset. But for real, like if someone got really upset, I'd be like, like there's people I know who are Asian, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know people who are like, whatever dude. I told my Lyft driver the whole situation. He was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I ran it down this whole dude, I ran down the situation to this dude, and uh, yea, and he was just kinda like, okay, whatever. I don't think he was like, he was like Polynesian. Still. Still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He goes, yeah man, I mean, you guys are, what, it's a comedy podcast, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I mean, it goes back to what I was saying in my school. I was telling them, you know, I was like, look, the way I see it is, this is a problem for rich white ladies. That's who's offended by this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you kidding? That's the funny thing for these people who are, you know, who are like, you know, check my fucking blog out, whatever. They're so worried about the state of the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many things you can do. There's so many volunteer opportunities, and if you're gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I could do that, but I'd rather save the world through my fucking blog. Make sure to check it out and drive my traffic. It's like, it's so fucking see-through and transparent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then again, dude, you're at fucking Gettysburg. I was at Gettysburg, I love it. The tour guides, like, and there was women who did it, and you were like, tightening your hat, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like when you're listening to the Germans and you're like, what are they saying? It's when they learned all their science, like, oh, that's actually good fucking science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also kinda, that one kinda threw him for a loop. They're just like, who picked that up? That was Fox, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still, I still think, if again, if they, if they corner you after this episode, if you gotta do it, you should like go in front of the pyramids and have like a big trench coat flipped up and just be like, gay. He goddamn did it again. It's Carmen Sandiego. Just keep popping up in different cities. The powder flashes and the pyramids are gay. God damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, of course dude, a lot of this too is a, it's like a tag your it redemption kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Across the bull- the spectrum of humanity. What is? That there's just like, races of people who talk shit on other races.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, it's one thing when you're in a comedy podcast, you're joking, you're fucking off, if you were in a subreddit being like, these fucking pink pigs, these Asian fucking pigs, and if you were writing articles about like, why do white chicks date XYZ race, that's what I'm reading in these fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa, whoa, I heard that before. I've heard that from white guys, talking about why white chicks date black guys. Yeah, it's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, the shit they claim that makes them superior is so fucking funny, dude. It is, anybody- They're like, white people are dirty, white people has- we don't have their STDs and shit, which is like, I didn't know. Good to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? It's very low. Lung cancer in the Asian community is very low. Wow. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good for them. Yeah, apparently they could just skip SCDs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they are dude. They might be. They're just gearing, like dude, honestly what happened was, they were running the world for a while. You know ancient history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they were killing it. They were killing it. Yeah. It's a fluke, dude. The fucking Genghis Khan decimated Asia, crushed North Africa, white dudes were like- Wait, wait, wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me, Genghis Khan crushed the Middle East, crushed Asia. White dudes were like still shitting in puddles outside and then everything was fucked up and we hopped on horses and we're like, oh dude, we're the fucking best and everything was just-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, but then they, that all fell apart. What I'm saying is, they decimated so much of the world around Europe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I'm telling you, they have 5,000 years of just crushing it. And they're coming back, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the historical narrative right now, that everything starts, that's like the, the big bang in terms of like everyone's just chilling, everyone's just like, if you paint with a, and all of a sudden white people are just like, get the fuck out of here, you can't have this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you guys get all this land? They're like, we've just been here forever. So, what I'm saying is, I didn't put the thing together, dude, because you can't be crushing that hard, you know, and not have a little bit of that venom in you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless you, if you called Anderson Cooper Coupe the whole time. I was thinking that. I was like listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did Billy ever tell you what a Scotty is? No. It's just like a dude who wears like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Greasy cargo shorts, he fucking eats gas station food, he just gets skipped on Tinder all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scotty is my favorite fucking slang. I'm a complete Scotty right now. Scotty, like you're just dipping and you're just like eating fucking Twizzlers and you're just like, fucking bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I see the comics talking shit, I wouldn't feel badly because again, it seemed...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw a lot of back and forth type responses like, fuck it dude, comics stick together and then like a day later being like, it's not funny, fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the fucking kebab in the meat though. This is what I'm talking about. You are laughing at that situation. You are viewing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a way that's meta, being like, hilarious. The guy got on SNL, the situation is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now someone would say that and like Shane Gillis thinks it would be awesome if someone got fired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what they do. And they're, they're missing out on the bird's eye vantage. They just don't have, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't have it. Yeah. Being like, god damn, that's a funny fucking situation. Yeah, man. It is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not something, I obviously see how it's something to be worried about, but you can't. Because it's not up to you whether you're these things or not, it's up to whether a kind of particularly nasty, frustrated, power-hungry individual decides to use you as. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course, but then- You can't be like, look, here's all my shit, and they're like, you would say that, fuck you. Like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, dude, it's your constitutional right. You can carry a gun and do stand-up, dude. Not a problem. Don't do this. You're bringing a gun to stand-up and you're going to speak whatever the fuck you want. I hear you. Hell yea. You know, I hear you're saying. There's a quote. What? Jake Gills is bringing a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got to pry the mic. I heard the government's coming to take our mics, dude. Yeah, that is, that's so funny. The comics, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you could, you could, uh, that would be a good thing too, cause we could always get, so if you're a podcaster, what you should do is sublet, or have your parents, like, sell you the basement as a condo, cause that would be a whole separate warrant. So they came to serve it, you could be like, ah, you kicked in my door, that was a fucking false arrest, therefore they throw it out in court and you get your mics back. True. That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's also, dude I'm telling you, there's a lot in the comedy business from at least what I've seen. There's a lot of very very desperate people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very desperate, very unhappy people, even people that have shit are still, from what I've seen in my limited scope, besides Bruce Bruce, that's my fucking dog. He was the only person I opened for who was like, seemed happy with his life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Bruce was at a good ol' time. Everyone else was kinda like, yeah, I should have fuckin' more. Yeah, dude. I'm like, dude, it's fuckin' sold out. They're like, yeah, but no, I was in Tennessee last week and there wasn't fuckin' anyone there. Dude, I don't fuckin' know. I can't take it. It's like- Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get people running on fucking paranoia constantly. I just wanna put that out there from what I've seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of people in stand-up, high profile peeps, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seem kind of, not everybody, a lot, seem real unhappy and paranoid the whole time. See, it's a kind of fucked up thing to have to do. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go on the fucking Fox show. I've seen comedians go on there and be like, uuuh, and start talking about like, uh, uh. They're like, so what's going on with you? And they're like, uh, my wife won't let me have bacon, uh, I'm eating healthy food now. And it's like, dude, just fucking go to sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I'd freeze up. Yeah. I'm more of a fucking sound boom guy. Yeah. Are they kind of fucking? Why don't we pause this? I think we're hitting a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is true, no that is true, how they can be- people can be like, I'm gonna fucking kill you, and you're like, I'm getting death threats, people are like, ha ha ha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, that's funny. That's a fucking pootie tang joke, dude. There's probably people out here that's doing the fucking algebra and they're like, oh, hilarious. Wow. And it's funny because in order, that's the new wave, dude. That's a new vibe. Unspoken jokes, then a journal seismic. I think this is what they're talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And there's a double- there is a clearly- Tim Poole talked about that. About how P- he's like, I can't even like, I don't want to let people know I have a girlfriend because people always give her death threats and Twitter's just like, pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you man, this is a, and I like to do, I like to fuck around, I like to have fun. This is a small amount of people who are just like, ruining shit. And again, they all think they're saving the world, which is the most fucked up part about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, they think they're going to save a world. The world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or maybe a world I haven't, you know, we haven't made contact yet, but it's like, they're gonna save the world through their shitty blog. You know what I mean? Yea. They're like, and I broke the story on, uh, Brian Dasher dot word mash doc or whatever the fuck it is. And it's just like, dude, you're clearly trying to come up. Stop. Yea. It's the only thing left, dude. It's fame for people. It's the only thing left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just like, dude, it's just a crab in a bucket scenario. Of course. That's, dude, the vibe of the podcast, at least for me right now, is trying to take people back, dude. Take them back to their lives.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Billy. See, it's fucked up. My family, why can't my family ever get along?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, dude, with a fat ass whip, dude. There's not any landscapers with a fat ass fucking whip on their face. No, dude, I've said it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's checking out the blog. You've taken down Shane, dude. You're like, what the fuck? I did everything I was supposed to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well do you walk around dealing with like you don't know who knows about it and you're like you see people and you're just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's such a weird thing about news now, cause there's some people like, oh my god, they would text me like, what the fuck happened to your boy, da da da. And then it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell people, like, do you hear what happened? They're like, wait, what? I don't hear about that. So the news is, like, it can go, something can go


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey. Laughter doesn't come for free, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Cusk Lipton, dude, behind the fucking actor's studio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a fucking must kill you. You don't like the Reddit comments. That's all I thought about. I was like, he hates Reddit comments. This probably hit the news and it was just, you can't turn, you can't delete the ad and be like fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True that. That's how I've approached my whole life, dude. Whenever shit gets real fucked up for me, I just go like, alright, I hear you, here it comes. Here it comes. Yep. And like, my rosin press comes in the mail, I'm like, yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm fucking talking about, dude. That's my life mission, I'm telling you. To get people to see through the mirage of all the bullshit of like, one day I'm gonna be in all this stuff. It's a bunch of fucking assholes who will stab you in the back. Everyone's fighting to be, not everybody obviously, in terms of this network. A lot of them are fucking snakes, dude. What'd you agree?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So everyone's fighting to be surrounded by fucking the snakes of snakes. Yea. When in reality it's like tapping your fucking dogs dude. Yea, be a dog dude. Tell your dog you fucking love them. Yea man. Make your girlfriend gain some fucking weight and smack her fucking ass dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take it, you're in a sub, people are like, fucking, suburb sucks. It's like, dude, hit the fucking Benegans, drink nine rum and cokes, smoke some fucking weed, get your hands on some DMT, hang out in the basement, and get into your fucking life, dude. That's the vibe I'm on. That's the vibe I'm on right now. Total detachment from the elite. Total detachment from the elite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The old temptation of St. Anthony, dude. I was tempted, dude. But I'm saying, dude, it's a paranoid


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When there's someone in a social station who's clearly above you, I've been in it in a way different way. But it's like, it gets, it's intoxicating when someone's like, I can fucking level you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you guys, you know, uh. If you guys see the bowl fucking, hit the fucking feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It sounds so redundant, but you're literally eliciting a reaction out of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, you know, you're a fisherman, you don't use the same lure every time. You're chucking shit in the water, and you're like, ooh, Jesus Christ, alright, I didn't take that one off. Snagged a bobber on that one. So it's like, and do that, and it's such a weird thing to try to defend, like it's indefensible, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the realm of what the newspaper is writing about, yeaah, but if you look into comedy and you're like, what's this person trying to do? And as soon as you go into comedy and say, no, no, no, you can't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you're fried, cause then it just, the line just goes da-da-da-da. You just let the crowd react. If the crowd laughs, awesome. If they don't, ooh, it's a bad feeling. Everyone feels it, and you go, ugh, shit, goddammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, first of all, I'd have to say, if anyone, if anyone's like, what the fuck, you should've been like, fuck you motherfucker. You'll never feel that pressure in your life. No, no one will. And I wouldn't want anyone to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, it's like, dude, again, I would love this, the fact that you, even through all of it, didn't completely cave and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have a lot to think about. I'm now in therapy for my actions. I'm doing implicit bias tests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now Matt TV was too problematic for me to watch that one. I understand. I appreciate your sensibilities. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, where does the fuckin' sack up dude and get in the cast?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well the whole time, so the whole time you were dealing with this, I busied myself with extreme workouts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Extreme, I was just watching bodybuilder YouTubers, dude. That's all I did, dude. This was the funniest... I got sent this guy who was like, he was in prison before, he's all about lifting weights, doing a program, he's driving around on a tight as fucking program, and I'm like, this is fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm watching, he's talking about like how to do burpees, but he, when you're a white dude in the California prison system, he's like, I wasn't even paying attention to this, and he was like, you know, so like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this guy is like, you know, so, doing burpees in the yard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we get to 23 and I yell out like, supreme my power, look motherfucker, I'm not fucking racist, dude it's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jack dude in Venice Beach just tell, he's a motivational speaker who was in jail for 10 years, but he was like, when you're in jail, and they talk, they bring black dudes in, I watch, I've been researching all this, cause it'll be like, black, cause apparently you get into jail, and especially in California, you have to join a gang. Especially if you don't have any money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have some money, you can pay for protection and just kinda fall back and chill. But he was like, if you're a white dude,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White dudes come up to you and they're like, you're either gonna put in work with us, or we're gonna smash you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so funny because his message, honestly dude, because he says, he's like, racism's a fucking epitome of ignorance, fuck that shit, then he'll be like talking about prison, he's like, and if I saw a white man, he's not allowed to see white men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why of all the gangs, because white people are disproportionately, whatever, misrepresented in jail in terms of their numbers aren't strong in jail if you're a white dude. So if you're forming a gang, why do they become Nazis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you got, like, if you're black, you'd be a crip, blood, gangster, disciple, you got options?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And apparently that all stays too, it's like you don't fuck around outside your race, but like you don't really think about this. When white dudes go to jail for some reason they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, you do, uh, you get up to 23 and then you do 88 hits, 88 hell hitler. Guys, look man, don't fucking come at me in the fucking thing. This is how it is in the California prison system. These are the politics. You're not getting around it. You're gonna bang or get banged on, fool. Dude, it's so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, you got a cell phone, I'm talking to my fucking girl, CEO comes, I fucking hoop that shit in the prison safe. He's like, put it in my fucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking prison guard's like, let me see your fucking asshole. It's like, I show it to him. He takes my fucking phone, dude. I had a fucking piece. You know, he says piece, it's funny. He's fucking sharpening a piece. Yo, this dude is so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single thing, one thing was like, respect. And he's like, let me tell you fools about something about respect. This dude's just fucking jacking the camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, these motherfuckers were sitting here talking shit, I'm holding the yard, I'm the fucking shot caller.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These motherfuckers are laughing, I'm like, what the fuck you guys laughing at? He's like, cause I come right at them. And they're like, yo what's up with your hair? He's like, bitch you got fucking titties you fat motherfucker dude!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he runs back, he runs back into his cell, he's all fucking butthurt, and I'm like, what the fuck's up with your boy? And they're like, I don't know man, he's probably sharpening a piece right now, and he's like, we better be making a motherfucking machine gun!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go up and I'm like, what's up, fool? What's your problem? He's like, yo, why are you talking about my fucking titties, bro? He's like, you shouldn't talk about my hair. He's like, anyway, guys, you gotta put me positive role models.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking blasted at area brotherhood tattoos. What the fuck did he do with that shit? It's so fu- Him saying getting blasted, dude. You gotta earn this shit. Also, he doesn't have his tattoos. I don't know if he has any sort of like, Nazi propaganda. He just has Dago. He has Dago written on his stomach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea man, that's gonna be my quest, my quest is gonna be to like, convert white guys to a different gang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So funny. So inspiring, too, dude, which is the most fucked up part. You watch him and you're like, you have a 330, bro? You are fucking- It's probably how dudes get tricked into joining the Aryan Brotherhood. Dude's like, you gotta get some fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He basically said, he goes, nobody in the gang, dude. They're all bullshit, dude. It was just me out in the yard, dude. Really? I fucking hooped a braided rope. I'm doing fucking pull ups. I'm doing lower body. Everyone skips their lower body in jail, dude. I'm trying to get swole. This is how you do it. That's how he talks, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, I've been sleeping, I pass out like a little baby, and I wake up at like four o'clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was talking to someone else. For real, I was talking to someone else. I was like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you're working out next to, he's like, you got the Southsiders there, you have the Northsiders, dude. So it's like, you're working, everyone's working out together. Cause like, no one's allowed to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you, if you're isolating and working out, then they'll say you get a, not a strike, but it's called, I forget what it's called, it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Confirmation is something like showing you're doing gang activity. So they can put points on you and put you into a higher thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So all these groups work out together, but they're all secretly doing their like, you know, like, uh, there's a certain thing for like the Crips do a certain count and they all have their own like symbolic counts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they have to do it in close quarters so they don't get called out for being in like, gang activity. So it's actually kind of a nice thing they all do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some motherfucking fool, some motherfucking fool in there putting in work, dude, is gonna memorize this and go in and recite it. People are like, dude, this is great, where'd you get this from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, how sick would it be to go to prison knowing all this shit now? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course they don't, dude. They have zero integrity. That's why they'll be exposed like the rats they are, dude. Here's the source.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, again, this shit's crumbling against the internet, man. Yeah. You know, they're ratcheting down on the net, but it's like... Whatever, dude. We'll figure out how the dark web works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Start selling fucking molly and shit dude, it'll be sick. Trust me, we're good. Trust me, we're good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I feel like I sidetracked you. No, it's okay. With my fucking bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it was, I was fine with it, I was cool with everything, and then, you know, everything's, we're talking, everything's, everything's affable. It was, but the thing that really pushed me over the edge, so we're talking, I'm like, yea, you know, going back and forth, having a nice conversation, none of this is very, like, contentious or whatever, just fucking people in my class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm like, you know, I got a lot of other stuff going on. I'm like, I got a baby girl coming and I was like, and I was like, she's like, Oh, what's her name? I was like,