[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it says like circumcision, I did not consent. He's changing the whole thing, but it's just like dudes holding up their baby pictures. He's trying to, uhm, the idea now is to be more like foreskin positive and less like I'm a victim. And it's going to be about, it's going to be about like sex positive and like having a foreskin can have a better sex life kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I was telling Gerben the other day, like, I appreciate you bringing this up on the podcast so much, cause this is like a guys guy podcast. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird, man. Uh, Gates just thinks he's promoting science, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't, he, he doesn't, I don't think he's familiar with the history of circumcision, but he's just like, he wants to be the guy who gets rid of, you know, HIV in Africa, which is a noble cause and a good thing to be trying to do. Uhm, this in particular is one of the wrong ways to be going about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also think that a lot of dudes would be, cause most people I know hate condoms, myself included, and I think if you're already missing twenty thousand nerve endings from a circumcision,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that you have to put a fucking piece of plastic on your penis and then try and have sex makes it makes you want to just take that shit off and be like, yeah, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know if you guys heard of this stuff called prep, but it's all over like the New York City subway ads, but basically they're promoting it for, for gay guys mostly. Uhm, you just take a pill every day and you, it's like 99% chance you don't get HIV. Yeah, it's, it's, we've pretty much defeated HIV.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hundreds of thousands of orders are coming in and to skip over that fact is to skip over like how so many men feel about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, by the way, last like, like five episodes ago, you guys were talking about manhood for the first time. You were talking about how Canada is the fucking, the Silicon Valley of dong maintenance. I think I laughed at that for like 30 minutes straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, dude, there's a, if anybody, I think if anybody wants to restore their foreskin, you should do, uh, it's a manual tugging method and you should just check out the subreddit, the foreskin restoration subreddit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's called uhm, it's called, they call it Andre's Method cause it was like this dude who just like went on there one day and posted how he restored his dick and it happened so fast, it was like 8 months. Most of these methods are like, you deal with shit on your dick for like years at a time and it's uncomfortable and awful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this is like, this is like, you go to the bathroom every hour, you pull on your dick, and like, you get, you get, you get full dick growth back, um, within, uh, within like, I mean, it depends how you're cut. I know one guy who's gonna be doing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You made your own, right? No, no, I didn't. And honestly, like, I've only gone through fits and starts of trying because it just sucks. Like, it's an awful process. And you walk around with shit strapped on your dick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Canada's got a low circumcision rate, but I think, I think probably when, I don't know how old he is, but probably when he was born, assuming he's like 40 or something like that, they were doing it more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a daily method. Yeah, you grab it at the scar line and you pull it for two minutes straight and uh, you set a timer and then an hour later you do it. I mean at the end of the day, you don't like, your dick feels pretty bad at the end of the day, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's the thing, there's gonna be like, parts that you can never get back. Like, if you, if you watch porn, like, dudes, dicks,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't get that back. Uhm, so, so you'll never get that back, but you will, like, stretching your skin causes mitosis, which is just skin growth, or cell growth rather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so you are growing new skin, but uh, and they use it like in plastic surgery and skin grafts and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I have a typical 9 to 5 job and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the problem with doing it in the men's room is that men just take fucking nasty shits all day long in the bathroom and it's just like, you're sitting there, you're sitting there trying to fucking pull your dick and they're just like exploding next to you. You don't realize how long two minutes is until you're trying to pull your dick skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you gotta put tension on and hold it there and then kinda like work your way around the scar line. Yea, this is the type of thing that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It makes perfect sense to me. I mean, McCusker, McCusker went in with this to start with, like he went in to this whole subject with like, I'm going to start with like restoration shit and like, and so that's usually if I was doing a podcast, I wouldn't even bring it up. Yeah. But you're talking to the right guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a listener, that was not clear to me. No, this was, this was a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, it's huge from, I mean, people start, like, I think the internet's been big for this movement because people, instead of just going to their doctors and being, cause doctors just do this wishy washy thing where they go, uh, it's up to the parents if you want it or not, uh, you know, you heard in that Benjamin video, the guy's like, it's just cosmetic, it's not even medically necessary. And also, how much do you make?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, dude, don't fuck up his dick, please. He's like, this is purely cosmetic. Yeah, and he's like, the complications might be, we might cut your kid's dick off. Yeah, how much does that happen? Cut his dick off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stop being very rare. So it's, it's. To lose a donger? Yea yea, it's pretty rare. I think to actually completely fully cut a penis off. The doctor has to sneeze. Yea. While he's doing it. Yea what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The tools are such that you can't do it very easily, uhm, but cutting the head off is a little easier, but like cutting too much skin off?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, the way they report these, so a lot of times a kid gets discharged after a CIRC, right? And it gets recorded that they have a CIRC. But then when they get readmitted back to the hospital for like, uhm, the fact that they need their, they need a pediatric surgeon to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The data that we have on circumcision is like, kinda awful anyway, like the CDC kinda keeps track of it, but it's, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, that only hurts them. I think, I think doctors eventually are gonna have to be like, wow, we really blew it for like a hundred years that we were advocating for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and, and they'll always be able to fall back on the fact that they don't recommend it. Like, it's not actually recommended. They don't recommend it for infants. They just say, we'll do it if you want it. Which is like- Do they make money off it? Yeah, they make- Oh, hell yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, this is why like when they stitched a single payer system in England, uh, and the insurance became everybody, they were like, we're getting rid of all the unnecessary procedures. But because we have private insurance here and we pay for it, uh, you can get things that are just kind of like cultural essentially. And this is one of those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, uhm, and so we have a lot of, like there's all this weird...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea dude, the cost just to get back to that, it can be anywhere from like 200 to a thousand bucks depending on what they're gonna pay, but it's, it's like, you saw, it's an eight minute video, that's how long it takes and like, and now the kid is like, you know, he's changed forever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that shit's six minutes for the doctor, lifetime for that baby, depending on how bad the complications are. And, uh, and there's also latent complications, right? Like when a kid can first start getting like real erections, like night erections, they'll, they'll, they'll have too much skin removal. Night erections. Yeah. Like, you know, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard, it's hard to tell and they don't want to keep it either, man. There's, you know, they, they want to, when this breaks, when this like, when everybody like, you know, a hundred years from now, whatever is like, yeah, that's fucking weird that we used to cut boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it's going to be embarrassing for, for the medical industry and it's going to be, it's going to go down like foot binding and shit like that. Yeah, of course.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so they don't, you know, they don't want to keep track of the complications cause they know what they're doing kinda. And like, and like doctors, like they don't, they're good doers. Doctors are trained to be doers and they have a very wide breadth of knowledge about medicine and how to do things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't, they're not really paid to be thinkers or like ethical thinkers and they, and I'm not saying that they're not capable of it, but most of them are just, you know, they work really hard and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, there are some sites I'd plug. Yeah dude, uhm, there's a documentary coming out. They're actually doing a tour, uhm, and hopefully it will be on Netflix later this year, but uh, circumcisionmovie.com, uh, it's made by a filmmaker named Brendan Morata.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is a friend and also uhm, just a really good filmmaker and he's done a really good job of like exposing this issue uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Circumcision has severely affected the handjob. Like a lot of guys, you hear guys like needing lube and some guys don't, right? Like some guys are cut so tight that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they can't, there's nothing to like pull on. They're like, Oh, I need lube. And, and for those guys sometimes to hear that, you know, if they weren't cut and even some search guys don't need lube, they're just like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird though, they completely changed your dick, right? Like you used to be able to jerk off without


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, something that you had, like going to the store. It's fucked up, yeaah. It's good they did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, uhm, also, uh, uh, Intaction.org, that's my boy Anthony with the truck, and, uhm, IntactAmerica.org, that's where you want to go if you want to learn anything about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, it was on BBC Radio, if you wanna look that up, it's uh, Why We Cut Men, uh, they did a little, they did like a 30 minute piece, uhm, about, mostly about African, how we're pushing, uh, the pro-circ agenda in Africa, how the US is pushing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same, yeah, it's the extension of what you get. Yeah, yeah, so like, it's close for me, but it's like hard to keep with this, you know, it's like a pain in the ass. Wait, does it stop if you stop? Yeah, if you stop pulling, it goes back to normal? No, no, no, no, it doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, I just haven't, I'm just not the most, like I, I need systems in my life I think. Heard that dude. But yea, but like. God dammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, true. Are you boys on this? People be coming from lab dances. Have you converted your boys? Some of them, some of them just stay like, you know, some guys are just like unwilling to hear. Well at least Shane has a sense


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, like some dudes do get aggressive. Really? They've never, like, it's never come to blows, but some guys just, at the, usually like, if they hate you for having, just even saying it, they just won't talk to you. They probably call you gay for it. Probably gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're such a fucking pussy that you can't handle a little bit of change in audio, then just turn it off now. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it's 27 minutes and it's so fucking- We were gonna delete it, Shane wanted to delete it and I was like, dude, I-I-I was- I just had- It was so fun, dude. I was like, I gotta give this to the people, dude. The people can handle it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All morning long, and I had this thing in my head, and I just nibbled on a weed, just a genuinely nibble on a weed gummy, just no big deal. And as I'm on the way over here, I'm like, what the fuck, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that theory actually, uh, my brother watched


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you listening to that episode as well? Actually this is funny because this ties into what I wanted to talk about. So I got a lift today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my Lyft driver was a black dude and we're talking, we're talking about, it's funny how like, we, we started talking about,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a t-shirt, and I'm like, dude, these girls only, they like, they wanna dress slutty, dude, but it's like a little too cold, they're confused. And he's like, man, I saw some butt cheeks, so I'm like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't they understand, like, that's like a real physiological response? Like, my heart rate speeds up, and the guy's like, I know man, and we start that morphs into like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you listen to Alex Jones, bro? And I was like, yeaah. Black dude? Yeaah. He goes, bro, I fucking love Alex Jones. He was like, I ask every white person in here, I'm like, did you vote for Trump?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, cause he's like, I don't want to freak this out, this white guy about Donald Trump, but I'm like, I'm basically explaining things to him about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gave him the important... I gave him the scoop. The knowledge. I know, I should have told him about the cast. I'm sure I'll see him again. You think? I'll see him again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, our paths are meant to cross again, dude. This guy is a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's a guy who lived there, never seen this man in my life, who had a fetish for like beating the shit out of his balls. So he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, dude, we gotta get the fuck out of here. And Sonya came in at one point. And Sonya's in the dream. And we're like, I gotta- and I'm like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I go outside and then I realize I like left some shit in there, like my keys or something, and I see my whole family and the ball guy's like, hey, were you in my house? And I woke up and I was like, holy shit dude. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, dude, I always, I can get through the day without fapping. When the sun's up, I'm good. It's when the night falls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where as soon as the night falls, dude, my fucking, my fap, little fap demons come out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you meditate for an hour, you start to half kind of fall asleep and it's really, really weird. And I started like, googling about people seeing weird shit when they meditate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to do something Sunday, I told her like five times this Sunday for the, the Gerbys thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll tie my comedy career to your thing and act like you're fuckin', you're my boss. Yeah. And dude!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, I know. You're being a fake weird thing, and it's like, it sucks because if you're dumb enough, you're like, oh my god, yeah, this is great, but if you're like, just a smidge smarter than that, you're like, this is all bullshit, this is stupid. You see, you see right through it. I see right fucking through it. You're trying to say what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just want, I just want them to know that, that I'm a huge pussy, I'm not cool, I'm not tough. He's a fucking bitch, dude. It just pisses me off, dude, I hate that. Sorry, I hate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I love seeing them in there getting jacked. I steal some of their Asian secrets, dude. They squat with their shoes off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the worst show that I like, couldn't stop watching. Even like, I was done it, digested it, I was like, this fucking, I was like, this shit sucks so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're live. We're back. I fucked up because I'm a fucking loser dude. I didn't have the audio thing plugged into my thing. We were recording the last 27 minutes straight through my laptop so the audio is a little tinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, dude, I couldn't, dude, and I know our fucking fans will be with us, dude. They wouldn't want that deleted, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry about the quality of the first 27 minutes. That was my bad. Mhm. My bad. I heard that. I just, god damn it man, I was just too fucking funny about those two dudes trying to sort out a terroristic threat. The Asian man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy at the gas station is like, don't call them terrorists, uuuh. Oh yeaah, true. That'd be funny. Oh wait, so you think they're terrorists? Like no, they actually blew people's legs off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, well can I send you, we like talked and he was like, can I send you some stuff I've been working on, there's something wrong with it, I can't figure it out. So he sends me this short story he did. So I'm reading it and I'm like, you know, there was something he was doing that was wrong that I told him, I'm like, just like, sentence wise, I was like, this is kinda fucked up. But I kept reading, it wasn't bad, he's a good writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But heee, the story was about this fucking, like, young teenage boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was attracted to his little brother's prepubescent friend?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, I'm in page three, before like the story starts, and I don't know anything about this story. So I'm reading it, and it's like, and then like the, the boys, the friend comes in, and I touch the back of his hair and let him in, and it's like my mom's not looking, and I love when she gives us these moments, and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is this? And slowly the story takes shape like he's trying to fuck this boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, what the hell? So like, so he's with, he's a guy with his little brother's friend, the little brother's sick in bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy's supposed to take them out to go like hunting for bugs. But since a little brother's sick, he gets, finally gets this little boy all to himself. Dude, I'm like reading the story like dude, and he's like, I don't know what doesn't work with it. I'm like, maybe it's a fucking pedophile tale, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, and it, but the writing itself was fucking, it was good. The descriptions were good and everything. So the whole story basically is like they go outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go to this mountain, they're looking for bugs and stuff, they find a wounded bird, and the whole time this guy is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can I like, make a move? This is so fa- how do I make a move? But they never clarify how old this- the older kid was. Just said he had pubes, the other one didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it? So, or, you know, so you're with me, but it's like, they go to the top of this big like mountainous type hill and he's like, oh, I know what I'll do. He tells the kid, he's like, maybe we should pee off the mountain, right? He's like, do you ever take a pee off a mountain? He's like that way both their dicks were out and the kid was like, uh, I guess I'll do it. So like they're both peeing off the mountain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, he was like, do you know how to get all your pee out? And the kid's like, yeah, just shake it. And he goes, no, there's a trick. You push your taint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kid's like, what's, what's my taint? And he goes here and he touched the kid's taint. The little boy ran away screaming as he runs away down the hill. He tumbles and falls and basically like dies. I was reading this like this is so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, that was oddly specific, and I'm like, you really nailed the mentality of a guy wanting to fuck a kid better than anyone I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm like, are you just being a dick to be a dick? And he was like, no, I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's out of my- I should go Mark Wahlberg England and be like, where is this fucking guy? He tried to rape me and says that 9-11 is not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sure that? I mean, I was reading at one point, it was just like, I felt like I was reading, like, pedophile erotica. I was like, what the fuck, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, why the fuck are you writing about a guy who wants to fuck a little boy? But it's like, man, I'd hate for someone to be like, don't write about that. So I'm like, amen, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You put the incline on 50 on that, you know, if that's what you want to write about, if you want to be like the fucking, uh, if you want to be the J.K. Rowling's of like, pedophilia, it's like, hey bro, that's, you're at a heavy cross to try to trudge up the hill of mud. No, that's not a, there's not a market for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a little like child porn loophole to be like, no, no, no, it's a, it's a, it's literature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, it's in my email address. I'm going to give them up to the feds, dude. I'm going to call Mark Wahlberg, dude. I got to let him know. Call Wahlberg. I'll be like, Wahlberg, I got a situation. I got, you got a flight to London, the big and ocean's 11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told you my idea before, right? What's that? Child porn, but shot and directed by kids. Mmm. That way they get all the money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, porn for kids by kids, baby. Let's do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, actually, I came across a, um, a situation on Reddit that I thought was very interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it was a girl updating people in like the relationship subreddit to something that happened with her boyfriend. They wanted to do threesomes, right? Dig this, do this. And I still don't know where I stand on this. So this girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She and her boyfriend talked and like, you know, they want to get into doing threesomes and stuff. So who does she- I'm thinking female, female, male. The first threesome they do, bro, it's male, male, female. With none other than this dude's fucking best dog, who they call Jack, quote unquote.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the guy was, she was like updating him cause like, I think she'd written a thing before cause the guy had gotten, her boyfriend had gotten like real insecure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause Jack apparently has like a fucking big donger. And is like, she was like, he's just stronger than my boyfriend. He's bigger down there, if you know what I'm saying. And then I enjoy, like he's never seen me enjoying sex like that. Oh my god. It's mind melting. I'm like reading this like, this is so fucked up. And she picked his best fucking friend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she's like, and you know, I kinda had a crush on him. I used to joke about this. I'm like, you just figured out a way to fuck your boyfriend's best friend. With a huge dong. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was fucked up. And then, uh, so they did it again, eventually, you know, he's like, I don't think he talks to Jack anymore, but they, uh, Jack just wandered off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then they had one where it was female, female, male. And he said that she was like, well the girl had like a big bubble butt, I know he likes that, so I kinda know what he's feeling. It's like, no the fuck you don't, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you don't. Chicks can't be cuckolded, dude. They don't have that fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like I think girls can get jealous, but I don't think they can feel the cuckold rage, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it's like a weekly tradition though, now they have threesome. So Jack's got a fucking Jack Hammy or girl in front of you, but then every week you're having a threesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like one-on-one thing where it's like, like this sh- I mean, and she even said she was like, yeah, you know, like doing like a male-male-female threesome, I enjoyed it, but it really takes a physical toll on me. And I'm reading this as like, I don't even know this girl, and I'm like, kid, fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, can you even enjoy a threesome after Jack fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would never be like, like I think, yeah, girls should definitely be able to choose, but it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, ah, dude, don't fucking, don't be out here bragging about that shit, man, it's fucked up. And I hear that dude, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ew, man, but there are, dude, there's definitely girls way cold enough to be like, yeah, I'd fucking get it out of me. But a lot of them, dude, I think in their fucking, in their darkest hour, dude, they fucking think about that little toddler dude and they're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have like an old testament biblical family of dead babies hovering about and haunting your fucking room and you're just like uuuh. I mean that's a fucking heavy load.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That must have been funny with the director, like, sitting there with his hat in his chair, and he's like, oh, they're fucking caught! Fucking another puppy drowns, like, get him out. Ugh. That's fucked up. How many- there's a puppy and a cat?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. How the fuck do they keep that cat fucking- The cat would get murdered too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck that dude. Yea dude. Spike him up. Anyways, what's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothin', man. Fuckin', uh... I'm just recovering from yesterday. I feel like I enjoy...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the day after ingesting weed gummies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next day I wake up and I'm just like, boom, boom, boom, flying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's most times. But it's a weird thing that like, it's a weird thing I'm drawn to, to see how much I can take, like see how uncomfortable I can get and how much I can steal myself against it, but it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just even scraping your tire on a curb sounds awful. Yeah. When I parallel park and I'm like, I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can only sleep on my side. So when I sleep in a car, I lay, I lean the seat back and sleep on my side and I wake up and the whole left side of my body is asleep. And I usually, like I used to work for a guy where like part of my job was going to construction sites and waiting for deliveries. So I'd be at like a house that was getting built and no one was there and it would just be me and my car and like it's coming in a four hour window.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're on the road. Your options are either to crash into a fucking median or sleep in a parking lot and eat Denny's, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wake up. If that ever happens again, dude, if I ever get in a situation like that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go with my gut. My guts never wrong, dude. I go with my guts never wrong, dude. Alright, good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 78. We got the mics going. We're all good to go. What up? What up, bro? Be back, dude. What up, bro? Our unparalleled sound quality is back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, shout out to JonasGod dude. He's a good hot cast, just saying. I'm just saying, that's a hot cast. Damn, that feels good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true, dude. They couldn't have you on the razor's edge. That's where I live, dude. I'm gonna, I'm gonna get on the safe edge tip, dude. You look like a retarded person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Podcast, like the podcast of the guest you have on there, but this last one I tried listening to it and it was basically saying like it was shit, it was un-listenable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly though, I think if you're going to make fun of transsexuals, giving them that voice is funny. You can't say that's not funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, you didn't, you didn't investigate. I always thought it was just some random dude. Whenever I get critiques, I investigate the person to see like the validity of it. Turns out it was a. Turns out it was like a trans dominatrix or someone who is like highly affiliated with trans dominatrix. Dominatrices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, that was- So Shane Guy, I had to, uh, I had to nurse Shane back to life. I'm like, buddy, this is just a fucking weird dominatrix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're jumping around. Stomping on the steps. Doing calisthenics dude. Goddamn. I don't think we picked them up.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Riddle me this though. How many steps do we just here?


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[Assistant] Exactly, and there's probably 12 in a flight of steps. 14. I heard like 4 steps. You think there's a little crouching tiger, hitting dragon going on upstairs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he floated up six steps? You think he jumped crane, air crane and floated up the last? He probably did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I never went to a dermatologist, cause I'm too cheap. I went to urgent care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I talked, I told you about this before, Hal, it was just literally four ladies studying my bird, and then being like, one lady's like, I think that's herpes, another lady being like, this is, I think it's this, and then another lady being, came in and was like, it's ringworm. So literally I grabbed my dick and was like, ringworm, and then it's like, get out of here. So then I put ringworm cream on and just,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obliterated the skin on my dick, it was like super dry and fucked up for like another couple months. So then I got a little irritation again, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the shit's back, so I went to a dermatologist. Which dude, it was like, I called the dermatologist, this was Monday morning. Yesterday. I called the dermatologist and I was like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, ehm, like I go, I see the physician's assistant cause like it's cheaper that way and I don't, like my insurance doesn't cover her. Dude, she's so hot. She's so hot. The receptionists are all angels. Like it's, it's insane how this guy stacked this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She put on latex gloves and like poked it and she was like super cool and nice about the whole- didn't even like bat an eye. I was like trying not to be weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, no, this is just like an irritation. She's like, it's not psoriasis. She's like, I would sometimes say people can get psoriasis on their penises, but you have to have it on like your elbows and knees and shit. She's like, you're, she's like, did you use like a condom recently? When was the last time you used one? And I was like, um, I actually did. I did use a condom. Period sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so, she's like, when was the last time you had sex with a condom? And I was like, oh, last, uh, yesterday actually. I had sex yesterday with a condom. And she was like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, so then, so she cleared up my bird, she like gave me cream, she's like, this is just an irritation, it could be from like a condom, it could just be from, you know, irritation from sex. So she's like, you don't have a fungal infection, you should never have put that stuff on your dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. But then you jerk off on that red mark, hence the fucking specter of Ringworm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, uh, so dude, so I had sex on Sunday, period sex. So, like, deep period, dude. This is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, you know, it was bad. So I put on a condom, had period sex, and then afterwards I just threw the condom and the condom was so gross, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Jackson, my dog, had pulled the condom out of the trash and was sucking the insides out of it. My dog drank my condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So gross. That's terrible. It was awful, dude. He literally drank. He like, he sucked. I picked it up. There was nothing in it, dude. He sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm about to start selling dog treats, dude. Proprietary blend. Just come all over dog bones. Just come and mix it up with like beef. Get a girl on her period, stick a milk bone up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a proprietary blend. Anytime my dick's out, my dogs are like, c'mon. What would you name that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do they call those little, I just call them like greenies toothbrushes and just never say anything about it. You just don't explain what it is. Yeaah. Proprietary, big proprietary blend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just slurped it, dude. Thank God he didn't swallow it. He just, I mean, not the fucking condom wrapper. He did, all I could think about was Lil Wayne's lollipop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my Lyft driver on the way to getting my dick checked out and finally cleared, dude, uhm, was maybe the dumbest person I've ever met. So I got like the awesome, I got an awesome Lyft driver. The weeks, like the week before I got like a super hot chick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then this lady picked me up, uhm, rather pig-ish, I'd say. I don't know, this is definitely an apt description. She was like a very, as light-skinned as you can get to be a light-skinned black person. She was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit darker than me, but definitely black. And she was huge, dude. Real, she's a big woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she gets out of the, I like, she pulls up like half a block away from my house, stops. I'm like, all right, whatever. So I walk up and she has all these pillows in the back of her, in the back of her car. And she gets out and I thought she was opening the door for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she opened my door and I'm like, oh, you don't have to do that. She's like, no, no, I'm just getting my pillow. She's like stacked. She wanted another pillow to sit on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, dude. Just a fat pig. She smelled, dude. Like I was in the backseat kinda holding. Fart pillow. Dude, so we're driving, and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny too because this lady I think kind of exists in all of us to where like if anyone honked, like she was clearly bullshitting at a green light.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone honks, she's like, okay now, you know what, I just, I just looked up, that light just turned green, I'm like damn, I'd definitely do the same, fuck it. So I'm like, I'm like, after two seconds, I'm like, god, this lady's dumb. And she just does everything I do while I drive. She's like, okay, and then like someone cut in front of her, she's like, I'm not the one, she just speeds up next to him, I'm like, fuck dude, this is me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the funniest part is when we're driving past, uh, we're in Center City and she's like, when's the last time you had a Dunkin' Donut? And I was like, uh, fuck, maybe like nine years ago. And she's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Yeah, I had one, and I swear, they don't taste the same. I think they changed the formula. I was like, what do you mean? She's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a Dunkin' Donut. It's like, it's like the wheel. How they invented the wheel. You know how that works? That's like the Dunkin' Donut. Don't need to change that. I was like, she just had things she wanted to talk about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we were driving and the ambulance came and she was just, she shit that she was at a red light. She's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just never heard someone refer to a donut. I was like, I'm gonna get me a Dunkin' Donut. She's like, I was having a Dunkin' Donut the other day and I swear they changed the formula. It didn't taste the same. And it's sick. The whole time I'm like, this lady is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So dumb. And I was like, like she was really, she was maybe like a 65 IQ. And I'm like, well, it's good to know that like there's a.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A level of sub-intelligencia just to like, monitor like the level of cheese on sizzlies and like the flavor of Dunkin' Donuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it's a quality control of like ruffles chips, just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, fucking, Cindy just revealed to me they eat six doughnuts a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Six, and dude, what kind of donuts you think it is? Cause everyone was, we were doing that thing for Gerben and someone was like, what kind of donuts, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you, I believe it. And he all, it makes sense too, cause he also used to talk about how he used to eat a whole sheet cake a day. So if you're putting down a grocery store, happy birthday to you cake and that six donuts is like a nice step down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you hold it up to her mouth and like kiss her through it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had to buy some cigarettes before and I don't like doing that either. So when I'm at checkout and I'm like, uh, let me get a pack of Marlboro Lights, I'm instantly like, these aren't for me, I don't do this guys, don't fucking look at me like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the new DA of Philly, the new DA is at odds with the cops right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, someone was explaining to me like, he's saying that like if they get caught with a weed case, they're throwing it out. They're throwing out prostitution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, dude, you just encapsulated my entire world. This is awesome. This is fucking sick. I love weed and petty theft. Not so much on the hookers, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got love for him, dude. I got love for him, dude. No, I took a nice massage on the shoulders though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got love for them, bro. But, you know. Let them fucking be what they are. That is funny though, they explained to me all pissed off and I was like, perfect. My reign of terror continues with shoplifting from Target. Now it's legal, baby. I can legally steal from Target. Dude, I'm telling you, I'm a step ahead the fucking curve, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should know what they should do is you should get like a quick caning to the back of the legs. You wanna go Malaysian, Indonesian style? Just one, just one. Yea, I mean hey dude, if you're stealing, if it's like that dumb of a crime, you should get that dumb of a punishment of just like a quick hit to the legs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those are some foreign motherfuckers. They, they probably have them gripped onto that cat. They probably have them ready to go. They're just waiting to come in. God, that'd be so funny. I would fully risk it every single, dude, I.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punish Target so hard the other day that I've been laying low. Yeah, you think they're on you. Punish their self checkout, bro. You have to lay low. The heat, the heat's coming, dude. Dude, I bought a new bed. Had to get all new bed sheets and bed, that shit's expensive, bro. What'd you do? There's bed covers that are 89 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, full comforter sets, and then one, you know the one, like, how Target always has like one super ballin' option, there's like comforter sets, $30, $30, and there's like $89.99?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took that 89 and put it in the bottom of the card, bro. You know like that little, you know like the free zone? Where you can put a case in water?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't agree, I told you this before, I didn't fucking agree to check out my own groceries, dude. How do you know that I'm smart enough to fucking work this thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? It's like, dude, I held it across the thing. I don't hear beeps that well, dude. I thought it beeped. I threw it in the car. I left. I don't know how to add. I don't know how to fucking operate this machinery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying every day you can go get one thing for free. You can get yourself one little treat from Target if you want. You can go get a treat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but when the cops pull up next to me, I really try to get them to see it, to see like, what's up boys? But no, I haven't gotten anything. I jog in it too. Jog past some cops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was admiring Jason Bourne at midnight. Drunk watching Jason Bourne. He doesn't remember anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the son is a bit of a, he's wayward dude. He's definitely selling pirated copies of Call of Duty to cartel, to like Mexican, to Zetas basically. Cause they're trying to get pirated videos. They shouldn't be headed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best is how all the cool kids are in the, like the woods riding mountain bikes and like the coolest thing you can do is ride real fast through the woods and like skid before a cliff and be like, your turn, chicken. They're supposed to be like the bad kids. The best is when the dad is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This great Mexican girl is helping him with like the dog and she knows a lot about dogs. She's like, my grandma, my grandmother used to raise dogs. He's like, her dad's like, what, pit bulls?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So fucking funny. But he's dead serious. He's like, uhm, no, actually, uh, not pitbulls. Movie's great, dude. Movie is terrible. Your dad probably saw that scene. He probably clicked in on that scene and was like, ha!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he's saying, who, who kicked him off? Who's serious? Serious, SeriousXM. Cause like he's like a threat to national security?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Insane, dude. There's so many people, there's maybe 30 million Americans who'd be like, hell yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think in the 80s it was so fucking bad that, like, people who were 50 and older, like, I would have relatives be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they remember Philadelphia. Did you see uhm, god, what was that, Total Recall? What movie was that where they filmed it? It was like in the early 90s or 80s. It was filmed in Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it wasn't Philadelphia. It was a sci-fi movie. I'm going to say Total Recall. It was something like that. Yeah, it was Total Recall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it was filmed in Philadelphia and they're jumping back and forth, but like, you see Market Street back then and you're like, holy fuck, this looks scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think they saw, I think they saw Total Recall and they were like, my boy's down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Let's pause and check it out dude. Alright. I gotta blow my nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. We're back. Shane's right, it's 12 Monkeys. Nice. Check it out. Nice. See why your parents are scared of Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't been shot yet. Me either bro, knock on wood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I actually, uh, this is making me laugh this weekend. My dog's been eating sticks. Whenever I bring it out to a field and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kept being like, why the fuck does my dog eat sticks? And I was thinking about it for like two days straight, like I was like, what could he possibly get out of it? And then finally I was sitting there eating Mexican food, and I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna fucking shit my brains out tomorrow, and I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did they book you specifically for this? No. Dude, you are a stoner comedian, dude. That's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, dude, I heard my, my fucking, uh, my girlfriend was doing that. She's black, and she was talking to her mom, she's like, yeah, they're gentrifying this whole neighborhood. I'm like, you're gentrifying, you have your master's degree, you're gentrifying the neighborhood. Fuck you. Yeah. But, I was just laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, that's how my parents, like my parents built a house, and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a similar deal where it was just kind of just all kind of backwards hillbillies, and then now it's like so fucking nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess it's different though, when you gentrify white people. It's just a, it's just like a 360 win. Everyone's just like, fuck yeah, this is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're white and you get priced, you get like taxed out of your town, people are just like, get the ffff- Yeah, that's what happens dude. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Boo hoo. Yeah. I'll tell you what, these taxes, like, alright dude, thanks, let's get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean. Which is a horrible way to say it, but. Not even a built-in excuse or just even like. Or a true excuse. A bunch, even just a bunch of people who'll be like, oh my god, like, what happened to you is so fucked up. Poor white people, it's just like, people just cover your face with a bag and they're like, I can't wait to pass this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Nobody gives a fuck, dude. Damn, I can't believe they got gentrified. You should fucking- Can't believe he's getting gentrified hard. You should spearhead that, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, it's like at root whiteness being like, small towns getting destroyed. It's like, dude, you ever been to a local hardware store? It sucks. Can't find anything. Everything's stacked on, like give me fucking, let me walk into 24,000 square feet of hardware store and I'm like, oh sweet, they have everything. Everything's stacked in on this. I will say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Well, if Lowe's was smart, they should just change up, be like a mega huge conglomerate, but just like, switch it up. Like, Jim's humongous hardware warehouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old Jim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like that. I don't like quaint towns. You don't? I don't. I don't get off on that whole thing. You go in and it's just such a quaint, nice little town. I'm like, suck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, I, it's funny cause I don't like being, I don't like how smothered I am in the city. I, I just wanna live in the country really. I wanna live, like if I'm gonna live somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where like, it's like rural, I'm not gonna pay a bunch of property taxes cause we have a bunch of bullshit fucking shops. I don't need like a sunglass hut near my house basically. Yea. Or like a Pete's Cafe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm too, I'm too compound raised, dude. I like, like land, square it off, no trespassing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do, I like it. As a real estate investor, it's like yea, buy fucking low, sell high.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's, well, there is a way people go about it that is weird. I've seen people do it in Philly where it's like, you'll see a bunch of bombed out or like just, just not so nice houses and they'll just throw like a three story fucking, you know, like the future houses they build now with like the boxes, metal and all this shit. I've seen people do that before. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, I've seen that before, and I'm just kinda like, dude, why don't you just build a normal brick house? Or there's these guys, they're called M&M Partners in Philly, on Gerard Ave, and they're pretty brutal with it. Well they'll come in, they did a big thing on Gerard Ave where they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just wanna get like different businesses in the area and they're just trying to put like the whitest fucking idea, like the whitest like dog rumors and all this shit. And they would pay you rent. They'd be like free rent. We just want this. It's like a white flag in the neighborhood. Like bam, dog rumor. You're next, you're moved next barbershop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your move next cuts stat flow. But yeah, they were doing that to me is kind of weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I mean, I'm not even, I'm, I'm not paying. Dude, Brittany is constant. We gotta get our dogs groomed. I'm like, I'm not paying 50 bucks for someone to wash my dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to do it in the shower. I get in the shower, I bring them in one at a time, dude. Scrub them, throw them out, get the next one, scrub them, throw them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, there's a way, my whole thing is that like, if you wanna, if there's dilapidated houses, you wanna buy them and fix them up? No, if someone's bitching about that, it's like, dude, shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if I'm conspiring like, hey, I'll give you free rent, as we're trying to change the dynamics of this neighborhood, that's kinda like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had to get a dog groomer and, uh, what the fuck's that place called? It's a sandwich shop, you know, they put them in there up on the jar too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Read it like a coffee shop, dog- If you like a coffee shop on one corner, dog groomer on the other, it's like a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We pulled up and it was just like nine year olds everywhere, like a weird Lord of the fly setup. It was like children of the cornbread. Yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember that. I remember coming back. I know, besides fucking little kids calling my fucking car gay or whatever I gotta deal with. I was like, that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your dog groomer's level two. That's fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One is skinny and one's like, one's skinny with like bald head. Yeah. That's me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not bad. I don't even check. I just, uh- They're steaming right along. They're steaming. I got a whole new concept I'm working on right now. What's that? Bro, you don't even wanna hear it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little more sci-fi dude, but I, and I'm still, I'm still fleshing it out, but dig this dude. So it's like two Toronto businessmen, day traders inventing AI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wish. I might think I'm the Tokyo partners, but these two businessmen come up with an AI trading software in the, in the not so distant future.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That social currency program, like China has, China's rolling this out right now, where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of like a credit score, but it's like a social credit score. Yeah, I've seen that. Where like they rate you based on all this stuff. Uh huh. So this thing becomes enacted, so they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it and every time, I love science fiction. Anytime I try to think of a science fiction idea, I'm like, and then I'm like, fuck, I don't know how that works at all. I'm like, God, I can't do this. Yeah. I'm like, how the fuck, how does AI work? I was like, I was writing and I was like, and then a loophole through, fuck, I don't understand any of this shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so much zoo news and fucking Asian news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Zoos must be wild there. You probably pay to like kick a kangaroo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so I'm gonna hit you with this question. So there's, you have the option of setting up like a Royal Rumble deathmatch kind of thing, but with like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The world's poorest people, but from different groups of ethnicities. It's like, who do you think is going to win that? Like you have like the poorest Asian, you have like poor Asian people, poor black people, poor white people, and just like the idiots, the collective idiots of just, yeah, exactly. In the physical battle, who do you think is going to come out on top of that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah dude, you got some, you're attacking pirates, that'd be tough. They're skinny though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russia's a tough fuckin', I think you're sleeping on poor Asian people, dude. Poor Asian people are so small. They work with ropes a lot, dude. They're fuckin' at the docks, dude, pullin' in boats. Yeah, but they're also like, 5'2".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor Indians will get grimy on you too. They will. They gotta watch out. You saw them working in that factory dude. They are not afraid. They gotta watch out dude. Yeaah. They'll fucking, they'll cut you with some glass or something dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The IRS knows they can squeeze money out of you easier than like a lawyered up dude who's greasing out hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's why, that's a lot of times they say like the crime rate is like disproportionate for black people. And they were saying that like, or even poor people really, but they were saying that uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady was a cop, and she was saying how like, she would be like, hey, you know, we gotta prosecute these kids out in the suburbs for doing these same crimes of like, smoking weed or whatever. The cop was like, their parents will get lawyers and the case will get thrown out, we gotta focus on who we can nail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it man. It's so fun when you're, when those first couple drinks go down man, whatever those juices are. Apparently when you get blacked out, it's not that you don't remember, it's that your mind, the part of your brain that records events is just off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're not, you didn't forget anything. You're just not recording it. Or if you're kind of on the verge, if you're really drunk, you're like going in and out of recording events.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He listens to audiobooks at 1.5 speed. Really? He's a blaster audiobooks dude. He speeds through the audiobooks? Yea. He's a fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One hour, one minute, and, well now, when you said it, it was one hour, one minute, and like thirty-six seconds, I'm guessing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How they say, like, if you're doing therapy for a drug addict, you hear what they admit to doing drug-wise, and then like double or triple it in your mind, like how many beers you drink a night, and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's not what it means. You know, it was actually a very structured contest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, go to that tomorrow man. Catch my swan song dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just like, yeaah, fuck that. Fuck it. Yeaah. You have a good sense of keeping shit up in your head. Yeaah. Last time we did Zig Ziglar's show, dude. Ziggy Zigs. I had to do like 25 and I remember being like, I can never order what I'm gonna do in my head and I always just, I forget everything. But I remember you did about 45 and your shit's all up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just crash it, dude. Just show up, ball out. A lot of people say that, I don't care if you buy it, just pirate it if you need to. Yeah. Just go, just come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, check out my new sci-fi concept that I want to bail on instantly dude. I do like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah, yeah, play the song that they, one of our listeners was kind enough to record us a possible, possible intro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 73. 73, they retired my jersey. Damn dude. Also, they're like, yo, this guy didn't see the field once. Shit. First, one of the first guys to do that. Uhm, this weekend,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This weekend. This weekend, the 30th and 31st, I'll be at Magoobie's. With who? With Tim Dillon. Oh yeaah. So that'll be good. He's gay. He's gay. Um, April 1st, shout out to all our Indiana listeners. I'll be in Indianapolis at Morty's. April 2nd, Pittsburgh, I forget the venue. April 4th, this is a big one, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At Punchline in Philly, April 4th, Punchline, Philly. Uh, message us, we'll give you free tickets if you want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 6th and 7th. April 6th will be the Comedy Shop in New Jersey with Voss. April 7th, the Newtown Theater in New Jersey with Voss. And then here's, here's one I need. April 25th, Helium Comedy Club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They gave the kid a fucking shot, dude. Oh my god. Give me a headline shot. It's a fucking Wednesday, so. Still. That sucks, but come to that. That doesn't matter. McCusker will be on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 25th at helium. Buy tickets online now, that helps me. Makes me look cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's it for gay dates right now. I usually do them at the end of the show but I have a feeling a lot of people don't make it to the whole way to the end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check it out. Is it good? It's fucking awesome. Nice. It makes him so likeable. I love him. I mean, obviously he's already the man, but when you see, it starts out with him and Diaz fight. And then it just opens with that and then it flashes and it's like four years earlier. So just four years ago, he was like living in his parents' house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking nuts. He's like real poor. He was on welfare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Which is hard. He lived at his parents house with his girlfriend and all he did was train every single day. Like hard. Yeah, he's a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the one thing that makes me pretty pro guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight 10s. The other guy, Zion Williamson, we just watched. He was throwing down dunks that are just out of this world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight 10s, but then the crowd knew, like she dunked in the first round, got a hunt, she got a perfect score.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next round, she was like, I'm going to go for it. Two handed dunk. Couldn't land it. Couldn't stick it. It was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty much. She advanced to the finals, not making a dunk. What? And then the best was the final round.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the finals. She made the finals. And she did like this like, still on the ground like windmill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like while she was running, she picked the ball up and did a windmill and then did a one-handed dunk. It was pretty great and the crowd was just like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the ground windmill, she still got a good score. I think she finished second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a female announcer that for ESPN that was on the sidelines that was like, come on guys, everybody get up, give her some energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, if she puts down a two handed dunk, I'm running out of this gym.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. You just stick with that. Pouring some fucking vinegar into a fake volcano. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea dude, it was off the hook. The only science fair. I didn't play, I didn't place. I did one science fair, I think it was like 7th or 8th grade and I did, is home field advantage real in college football?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one even looked at it, but I just had a picture of Notre Dame stadium on one of those fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I thought, I thought college football, home field advantage would have been a big, would have been a big hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think my parents ever helped me with like projects like that. It's like kids would come in with like roller coasters made out of fucking toothpicks. And I'm in there trying to present a picture of Notre Dame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's funny where it transitions nicely because I was looking at all those, uh, march for life protesters and it's all like little kids with like signs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not alive. Like, shit like that. It's all like, oh, so your parents helped you with this project. That was the science fair for protests. It's all parents going to liberal marches, putting shit on their kids and being like, look at this powerful message from a little kid. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, probably all of them. Same thing, yeaah. But it's like, did you see the march for life? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all, uh, they all do a nice, both sides do a nice little like, cause this was like a march against school shooting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, yea, obviously everyone's against school shootings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they were like, if you're, if you're pro second amendment, you fucking, you love school shootings. No, I don't. That's how I do it, dude. That's how I get you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then this black security guard or copper with a security guard he busts in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shoots a guy in the arm. He's gonna die. Oh well. Dude, that was awesome. You should have thought about that before you robbed this 7-Eleven. Yup. Now you're gonna die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, you should have seen this sick tweet I had this weekend. But you have. You're still fucking. One of the best tweets ever. You're still breaking the internet dude. I'm still crushing the tweets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I gotta fucking share this. I spent a lot of time watching, uh, Denny's fights, which is just black people destroying Denny's fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think my favorite one is a Denny's fight. It's Halloween in Oakland. Yeah. So it's, it's like two squads of black chicks fighting each other and they're all dressed like, yeah, they're just like bumblebees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And one squad is out in the dining area and the other squad's basically in the kitchen at this point. They've been, they retreated to the kitchen, but they're all just finding shit to throw at each other. They just fucking destroy this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so I thought, I thought this was a great tweet, and it's really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really not. It's not taken off like I want it to. It's got 10 likes. Zero retweets though. A lot of people don't want to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, if we're on a kick of individuals being responsible for their entire race's actions, I think black people owe at Denny's a sincere apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anybody that's seen a Denny's fight knows, dude. That's the black community's greatest disgrace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, another sick tweet, six likes and a retweet. The other night I was watching, uh, I was watching CNN and they have this ad right now and it's just an apple on a white screen. And it's like, some people will tell you this is a banana. They may scream, this is a banana. They may say banana, banana, banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But this is an apple and it's like facts rule CNN, but it's like, was this transphobic? I mean, it was supposed to be anti-Trump. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was supposed to be like they might in all caps say this is a banana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, you could also make this the exact same commercial, just transphobic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The exact same commercial except at the end of CNN it was just the Fox News logo. They'd be like, this is transphobic. The exact same message.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well now, just like, that's not what that is. We're lying to ourselves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one where he's talking about when he loses, he's like, when you wake up and you're young, it's the exact same thing. Same thing? No, like she's like, Santa Claus isn't real, fuckin' Easter Bunny. And he's like, and then you lose, and they're like, God's not real. Yeah. And you figure out you just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just organically came up with a Bill Burbitt, just like that, dude. This is, I mean- A lot of parallel thinking. I mean, it's pretty- It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Came up to me and said, I got circumcised when I was like 23. And he was like, and there's no difference. Probably doesn't use a dick. I think he's got a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a scientist. I just think it's funny, somebody got cerced when they were like 24. That sucks man, I try to think about that. My dick hurt for a month, it was like swollen and fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until you get in a fucking skin hand job and the lady's like, you got a gross dick. Imagine how many times you gotta be told your dick's gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a lot of them trans. Fucks you up, dude. What do you think about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not supposed to look. Short shorts. You're not allowed to look. Don't you dare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking pig, dude. I was, I went to, I went classic, I went to Starbucks right after, classic shit. And, uh, I was just like, I'm, I'm 30 and I feel like a fucking weird creep. Just cause you see these fucking kids, these hot kids walking around and it's just like, holy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go outside and punch a tree. Go outside and box it. That's what that guy was doing in that video of tackling those trees. Probably had a daughter with hot friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine there being a dad without a sense of humor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, you're like a fucking accountant. I know that's always the, there's gotta be a better answer to accountant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? That's always the cliche fucking straight edged joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them, one of them is a fan of the cast. Really? Yea. Is he stiff? No. Is he a drunk? He's funny, he's a dork. Is he an alcoholic? He's a funny dork. He listens to this now, he knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's real fucking well spoken. I just remember that he, I don't know if he still is cause I don't really see him that much anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we were young, he was like real well spoken. Really? So it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was huge too. He was like 6'8". He's walking huge. I don't know if he's, I don't know if he still is, but in fifth grade he was about 7'5". And like we played basketball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like if you bumped into him or like elbowed his gut or anything you'd be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's just funny. He was like an old man when we were kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd have to read a book on the floor at a party. I just showed my friend posted this Instagram story filming this party in LA and one of the guys, another friend of ours, is literally laying on the living room floor in the middle of a party reading a fucking book of poetry. It's fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, what I was saying about being a serious guy, like imagine being a dad, a serious dad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your kids come over. Or your daughter's friends come over. Then you have to confront those weird fucking thoughts. I mean, without a sense of humor, that's a weird fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough, man. I mean- When you're into humor, you can be like, holy shit, that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You do the kissing? Yeah. See, she always misses and hits my fucking neck and it's disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But every once in a while she'll go for a kiss. Again, I'm tall enough that these people always hit my fucking neck. It's a real fucking gross. When you have your mom kiss you on the neck. That's fucked up. It's a real fucking gross moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be like, ew. Yeah. It's like, what, did you think that was sexual, you fucking weirdo? Yeah, that's pretty weird. You can't be like, ew, get the fuck off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would save her for last. I had some friends with some ridiculously hot moms. That was awesome. That is sick, dude. Getting a good hug, dude. Getting some tits against your body. I want to feel those tits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's tough, that's dick against butt. No one's doing that. That's dick, lower back, hug. No one's doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thankfully my girlfriend works at a kindergarten. So it's all, it's all females. It's all females. All the teachers. The little kids will fucking grow up her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said there was this autistic kid that grabbed her tit the other day. She was like bent down to like help him zip up some shit and he just reached out and grabbed her tit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think he would develop the slur? You know, like when you're gay, all of a sudden you start talking gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, it's purely like I want my kid to excel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yea. That's risky. He's gonna meet some friends that are gonna be like, dude, you know you're not retarded, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was saying. I've said it a couple times about people with Down syndrome. It's like, boy are they happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That chimp rage. They'll fucking rip someone's arm off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure you've had some experiences where you borderline retard mentally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're kinda, since we've started this podcast, you've definitely, there's some flags that have been raised that have just been like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this guy's a little, there's something off for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, if anybody's, I don't know, cause obviously when I hear about the podcast, it's just me, I'm not with you. It's usually somebody coming up and being like a big fan of the podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Usually nine times out of ten, the next line is like, yo, Matt's fucking weird. It's usually like, dude, I love the podcast. Matt is fucking crazy. That's sick dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I gotta explain to him, like dude, I, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I talk to someone I'm like, yeah dude, I'm friends with him and like, it baffles me every single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I check it like once every other day on my laptop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Funny. One step closer to a militia. True. We should start our own militia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About being in a militia. Yeah, sounds awesome. Here's one thing that I see a lot, especially with the second amendment thing, is like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when people are like, oh you think your AR-15 is gonna stop a fucking drone? Like if the, if the government decide to attack civilians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Assault rifle does against a fucking Abrams tank. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that exactly what insurgents in Iraq have? It's like assault rifles. It's like the reason an assault rifle would be successful against a drone is cause hopefully the government's still concerned about civilian casualties. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They wouldn't be trying to eradicate every civilian, so it wouldn't be like, oh, we're gonna fucking bomb this city.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what it is, cause how many people are in the military act like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? I mean, not as many as- Do we have like a million?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, are we talking state workers? Are we talking government workers? We're talking about fat black ladies in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania? Working with computers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah, this is a good conversation. People are probably tuning out right now. Fuck em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, but that's, that's all I was, I was trying to defend my fucking right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is stupid, it's like, well yea, I mean obviously if the government is trying to kill everyone, then having an assault rifle is useless if you're fighting the government. Chances are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be like an ISIS situation where patriots like you and me had to create- Say it again. You and me, patriots, we're getting tread on and we're like, yo, we're fucking tired of getting tread on and then we have to throw gay guys off roofs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that makes sense. It's more about the ritual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that doesn't make sense. You're saying withdrawals are like a social construct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not as big of a deal. Interesting. It's weird too that people like to see that fact checked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to West Vancouver. Went to a Canucks game dude. Got some fucking heroin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it sounds like everybody's pretty consistently against the drug war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I just noticed? What? You see that? Do you notice anything about that? My, uh, my nightstand?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, do you see that sock? Ooh, what'd you do with that sock? That was a prepared jerk-off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right before I got in bed. That's ritualistic. That's a nice move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have any tissues down here. I'm gonna nut into that sock if I need to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't jerk off. Really? That's why that sock's still sitting there. You know? Sometimes you just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't like a chemical addiction responsible for your thoughts to be like, I need this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, but like, I'm, I think I'm addicted to dip. Yeah, which is interesting. Cause you try.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have the gum and it worked. And then I was driving home from Boston and I was like falling asleep and I was like, yeah, I'll have one. Fuck it. Yeah. Like I didn't quit for good, but I, I was, I mean, I didn't dip for like six months, so the chemicals would have been gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. But there's still, the chemicals were responsible for me enjoying it, which results in me being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were responsible originally for the good feeling I had when I did it. Okay, the nicotine, yeah. So now I'm like, I want that feeling again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe it. I'm just saying, I think you read these books or listen to these books and then you think they're facts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking of a scientist right now, probably not a scientist, but diagnosing why the shape of our penis is the way it is. Evolutionary science. Yea, a guy saying that's why it is. Yea, it's evolutionary science is why our thing- So how could you possibly determine that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of your theories that you heard is the shape of our dickhead is designed specifically to plunge cum out of women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you kept thrusting while you're coming, wouldn't some come get behind the, wouldn't you plunge that out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Interesting. I wonder, you could probably consult some people that have had gang bangs. I will. I guarantee it. And be like, do you ever jar other people's come out? I mean, we have to. 24 hours later?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How is that bullshit? That somebody in 2018 was like, you know the reason you have a dickhead that's shaped like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know shit about that. I don't know shit about female orgasms. I don't ever do that. That's what I heard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that, I mean that makes some sense. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you say, this is fact. I don't say it's fact. I said it's evolutionary science. Evolutionary science. You're like, do you know why our dicks shaped like that? Yeah. Because it's a plunger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It plunges out, other guys come. Okay. That was how it was presented.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? I heard this and I think it might be true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How long does jizz physically stay in a vagina? Like to the point where you can plunge it out with a dick. That's what I want to know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is apparently true. Same with the food pyramid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he was saying there's gonna be like, common patterns. There's gonna be an elaborate pattern coming through. Isn't that what, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In a beautiful mind the guy tried to do. Did he? He was like trying to come up, like he was watching like birds. He was trying to come up with like a math equation. I didn't see it again. I was watching like pigeons walk around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one's gonna- You'll get- I'll get started with that. No one's gonna argue with you, cause no one knows- Exactly. There's nothing to-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. It's tight. I heard, uh, there's a pocket era doc we need to watch on Netflix. The wild, wild world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm actually, I don't know anything about it. I'm stoked on that. I'm gonna watch that for sure. Next week, get ready for your sick review. That'll be tight. Damn, what else you got? You got any more theories here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was, I told you the main board had a fucking thread on that for like six years of just like every once in a while I would get bumped back to the front page and you'd see like just dudes crucified on the streets and like dudes fucking like heads off, dicks in their mouths. There was one time, I think it might've been the Zetas that they had a truck full of dead bodies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, full of dead bodies. Not like a pickup truck, like a fuckin' truck. An 18 wheeler. Jesus Christ! Like a U-Haul van. And they were just throwing bodies out onto the highway. For miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, it sucks I don't remember any of the other fucking names. It was like the Monterey Cartel, the names of the cartels. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna, we're gonna build a wall, we're gonna stop it. Yeah. What happens when the wall's there? Tunnel. Nope. Tunnel. Nah, we increase scaling. Mail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shut it down. Shut it down. One of the cartels, I think it wasn't El Chapo, one of them had a fucking submarine. Dude, these guys have more money than God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sub. Yeah, there was some really fucking crazy shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. There's, and America's pretty complicit with all this shit. Like there's banks and shit all along the border and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't, it's tough to defend the wall. It's tough. Whatever. I mean, anything that bothers liberals is kind of funny. That is funny. That is the funny part. So everyone tomorrow will be like, yeah, fucking build it, dude. Get the wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That March I was talking about, there's a, I always talk about the main board and we need to push Reddit more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, yeaah, cause we only have like, not enough of you are on the reddit. Get on the reddit. It's growing. But uhm, on the main board there's this thread about uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The march. March for life. And everybody's now very second, anti-second amendment and very...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, very liberal. Like, everybody on the main board's like, ultra liberal. Dude, do you know why though? Which is, which is weird because I, I posted it and I started fucking arguing with people. Did you really? Well, cause this is one guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's Republican. He's like, there's one pro-Trump guy, and he takes on an army of liberals every fucking day in there. It's so funny, because he comes off as kind of a fucking idiot a lot of times. Obviously, he's pro-Trump. Like, he's actually pro-Trump. But, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All these liberals, and then like, I've been on this website since like 2009. So it's like I've seen what these exact same guys were posting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't screen grab it, but I'm like, dude, remember when you guys all used to say the N word all the time? What'd they say? No one responded to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then somebody said something, I was like, yeah, Dairy Queen said the N word like last week, typed out N I G G E R.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we need all girls to run it if it's a fucking bake sale. Sure, let the bitches fucking handle it, but we need men. I don't understand why they think they're white girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a strong white woman. She was fucking- She was very white.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, probably not. Not really. Yeah, not really. I don't know. I hope. Queens and shit. Yeah, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good piping, good plunging. This is a classic plunge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well here's the weird thing, a lot of these liberals are like edgy liberals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's weird too, cause they all, and just like Facebook, it's like they post dumb shit Republicans are saying all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they all post like dumb shit Republicans are saying. Which is bountiful. There's a million dumb fucking things Republicans are saying, because Republicans are pretty fucking dumb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's fucking insane. Build a wall, all that shit. But it's, it's just so fucking hypocritical on both sides constantly. It's like, you could go find a Republican website where they do the same with the left. Because the left is doing insane dumb shit all day also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean we're fucked up dude. We don't have a... To pick a side that hard makes you a fucking idiot. In my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just don't like people that picked up evolutionary science this year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was your appendix used to eat pussy? What was your appendix, what was that for?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good theory. Pretty tight. I heard it was to process grass. Really? To eat grass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a young boy, I was like. I could see grass when I was a little kid. That's disgusting, dude. It tastes like shit. I remember being like, dude, if I can


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to think about this episode so far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get it out there. I'd like to hear your thoughts though. I like how. I think it's important for the listeners to get a hold of some theories. Cause you covered, you covered everything. I covered a lot of ground. Zetas, fuck ecology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, see, I don't know, cause the whole everybody on their phone thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, there's been a lot of, it's been throughout history that people have looked at technology and innovation negatively.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like people just sitting there watching TV all day. That's bad. Or like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Books when books came out, they're like, what are you just sitting in your room reading? You should be out talking to people, not learning. Yeah. I mean, think of how much you can do with your phone. Social networking is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is weird. But it might not be fucked up, you never know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe that's preparing us to shed our fucking, we're in a cocoon right now, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just humans in a cocoon. True that. We're just, we're ready to ascend to the point where we coexist with technology entirely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause we've evolved to the point where we don't need to be out in the fucking woods running from shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, if you were out running in the woods you'd be like, man, I wish I was sitting on a couch watching TV. I wish we could all live like that. That'd be nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a little annoying, like, just watching that dunk contest last night, every single person in the audience was holding up their phone. It's weird, I'm telling you. It was black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] White people do it too. White people do it too. Get the fuck out of here. And then they all, and then they all talked to each other on speaker fun and held it up to their face. Dude. Classic black lady move. Please. Classic black lady move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But not talking. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. They're both on the phone just going about their day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, when I worked, when I worked at Ardmore, I, people would come in still on the phone and like I was talking to them as a customer and they would be talking to them on the fucking phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like being on walkie-talkie. It's just on, and you both go about your day. Yeah, but it's bizarre. It's like- It's the weirdest fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think it's a girlfriend problem? So you blame women a lot for things. I know I get dubbed a racist a lot from you because you're a liberal Marxist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just classic. Yes. You're like a Phoenix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a very animalistic term. It's a demeaning term. You can scurry, dude. I can scurry. It's just a demeaning term.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see some hard strolls. In the middle of the street? Across the street? That's the only way I would describe it. I think the middle of the street. Scurry implies that they're almost being polite to the cars. They're like, oh shit, I got a cross for you. Eh, I'm just saying a fast walk. I'm talking a stroll across the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I had another one. Oh, you know how, uh, this is gonna be tough cause it's all facial expressions. Yeah. Cause I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a meme and I've seen black comics do it where they make fun of white people for doing like the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that weird, like, raise your lips when you see someone. You just did it perfectly, yeah. Like when you're walking. Just being like, black people have a face too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch any fucking sporting event, watch black dudes, black dudes raise their eyebrows. Oh fuck, I can't describe it. It's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the heir to the throne. He is dude. He sucks. He's pretty bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will Smith sucks too right now. He's doing all these like internet videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've ever seen a fit. I think she was in training. A skinny black security guard. In my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah true, but there's not that many white lady security guards. There's not. So they, I'm sure they would be thick. I've seen a couple. I've seen a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, it has nothing to do with a salutation. It's strictly just a resting black face that I've seen time and time again. It's a physical, you have to manipulate your face to make the face. It's not like a resting face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it has nothing to do with that. I'm saying that was an observation that's a face white people make. It's a default. This is a face black people make sometimes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. That's exactly the perfect example. It's like a real fucking I don't give a fuck face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. I'm not woke, bro. V-woke. Nah. Yo, you V-woke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard, almost everyone I've, I've heard so many people say Matt McCusker is woke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Boy Steve. Where are we at? We gotta be well over an hour. Hour 30, hour 27. Yeaah, this is rambling. Yeaah, this is good. This is a rambling cast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good, no, I agree. It's coming from the fucking... You're just, this is like, just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta look nasty dude. That's what I was saying in that fucking, when I did that show last week. What? There's, there's a, it was a black show, so there was a photographer.