[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good dude. Roll em up. We're not socialists dude. Fuck unions. Nah. No commies here. Bust those boys up. Heard that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay's are using that Russian playbook of just like, make them fight each other. We don't even have to fight them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He fucked once. He's straight. Exactly. But he doesn't fuck. He only fucks as much as he needs to. God's definitely straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I say something in this? Because you made Matt's argument with your condom argument.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. Because he's saying you're gonna, you have in your condom argument, condom argument is that you want to fill up a vagina with cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're taking that energy away and you're just filling up a condom with cum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all he's saying with religion. Like, you wanna believe in God, you wanna come in a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you're like, ah, I want to take that energy somewhere else. You end up just nutting in a fucking condom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you think we, I mean religion, not necessarily religion, but believing in God has been in every single culture, in every, like what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tommy Aquino approved. Good boy. Don't fucking come down. Look, I'm just saying there's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got half a J in here trying to tell us God's dead. Very Bolshevik.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They need the bobs. Also, I think you weren't trying to, you're not saying that they need to be westernized in consumer, like consuming shit. They need to be westernized in the white man's way of thinking, which is what Steve wants them to do. Hey, rape's bad, stop DMing for bobs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Izan. You just said you loved monarchs, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you just have like a high mind, but you're still like a white, like a white supremacist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean that's what the Proud Boys say, yeah. It's like everybody can be a Proud Boy. They're western chauvinists.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do? Yeah, brown boys love immigrants. If they start ackum, ackum white, they start acting western, western european, that's the only thought that matters.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely being racist against Muslims. Is it just racist or if you're like- Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean a fucking comedian in like Canada got arrested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, there's some free speech issues that, uh, that the Proud Boys, like Steve, are fighting against. And that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we're programmed to be like, proud boys are bad. Proud boys are definitely bad. None of us have done the research, we just know what...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, that's what this thought brings. If you say, like, western culture is superior, that's interpreted immediately as racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So no matter how you slice it, no matter how you try to get that message out, it's always gonna be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fast food fuses into your bones, like, we can catch a signal off this guy's fucking femur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Real quick, real quick. Speaking of Shakespeare, I watched fucking the Deadwood movie last night. You guys watch Deadwood? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just came out of the movie based off the show that ended. They fucking speak like dickheads the whole time. Really? Like what? I watched the fucking series and I forgot, like I watched the first like two or three, maybe the first season. Yeah. And I totally forgot that they literally speak like it's a Shakespearean play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hello? No, not British, but the way they talk, like. Duff. Shot I've been.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cunt you are. I must go. Like, it's just fuckin' retarded. That sucks, dude. It sucks so bad. We didn't win the Revolutionary War to be subjected to cowboys talking like fuckin' pussies, dude. And like, I'm watching this and the person I was watching it with was like, maybe that's how they talked back then. I was like, these people were retarded back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These people were, they couldn't speak. Four people in that town could read. None of them were, nah, anyway. Back to this Chinese you were getting left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She converted to Jay? Yeah. And your dad's a Jay? Yeah. Alright, so you're full Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They speak in fucking... What's it like over at the GOG, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Okay. I didn't know he was until... I thought he was. Once you proposed that question, I was like, definitely. Yeaah. Even though his name's Harris. I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what we should do so that they can't hide it is like get like a patch that they have to wear on their clothes or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See that's the thing, like this, you guys, and by you guys I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you just shit on religion as if it's this dumb fucking like, I better be good or God's gonna hurt me. That's not what religion is. To people that can think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You call God like the flying spaghetti monster in the sky or like there's a diamond in my backyard. It's like, that's not what people think God is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that, like it's not like, you think of religion as this thing that like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, you look at it through the idiot's lens of Christianity and any religion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't, I don't mean necessarily they're stupid, I mean what the actual like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like, you, you have this- Where do those western values stem from? Where'd they come from? The Enlightenment, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think most priests are fucking dumb. I think they teach this shit at an extremely basic level. Like the fucking, some, some guy from Providence, some bishop was like, remember the LGBT celebrations are bad. This goes against, like God, this is a sin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Pope would be like, don't fucking tweet that you dumb motherfucker. Like this isn't the fight we're trying to fight right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of fuckin' morons involved. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legion of Skanks just got in trouble for having Milo, also a Jewish white nationalist, just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, what you need to do on your Elon Musk spaceship that's gonna save all the good people and take them to the good place, not, not religious at all, but uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm a spaceship that's going to save us. It's our salvation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get an escape pod and right instead of on the escape pod, you just write like in crayon, just be like mosque. And then when all the Muslims go in, they eject, launch them off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna hit up a page right now, or you wanna go get something to eat and then hit up a page?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good podcast. That holds up. That does, literally, that holds up. You are officially Muslim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna fight when we get to Mars. Okay. Just so you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Mars. I cannot wait for the first Mars thing to fucking explode and everyone die out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who? Well, I guarantee Buzz Aldrin loves it. He loves God. He loves America. I guarantee that guy loves God. He just loves America. He got up there like, you know there's fucking aliens up there? He got Space Adventure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they also don't get Tokyo Drift, but it's because it's too smart for them. That's why the plot doesn't make sense. Because they couldn't grasp that he would go to Japan, which is a different country than China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't believe that in ancient Rome, he was like, yeah, we have to, let's talk about the budget, but it can't wait. It's going to have to be while my balls are being washed by my slave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, I've never seen Little Giants. You haven't? No, I just know it's a football movie with kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of the, one of the, yeah, his parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was like seven months ago. When she got busted. That's hilarious. That's a fat, that's a big lie. And it was also, it was also sort of misrepresented too. Cause it was part of a longer interview and she was like, sure. She said she smoked weed in college. And then later in the interview, she said, you know, they were like, like, what kind of music did you use to listen to? And she said, I don't know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. Well, Biden tried to play that card, which is like way more tragic than being like a light-skinned black guy that's had a great career in politics. So he's like, my whole family's been tragically killed, you know? And people are like, boo! That's not enough! Do gay shit!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean, I do worry about that. Luckily I'm just some idiot, but no, no, no. They'll like, they'll like- They're gonna come get you? Yeah, they'll suicide you. I don't think anyone in Hollywood's ever committed suicide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like a, like Instagram let you do that for a while. I don't know if they still do, where you could select a color. Oh, and only a color? They did that like Schindler's List thing. I think, I remember that. Maybe it was a different photo app I had. Or maybe it was a camera? I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is kind of, it is sort of the plot of Rosemary's Baby in a roundabout way, if you think about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you Google it, top result is a picture of Trump and Epstein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I wanna tweet, yeah. You gotta keep the gold mine running, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all got me. That's cra- Dude, the fact that that's hitting the fan now? The weird thing too is how they shushed it before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's going to be, it's going, that's crazy. Imagine if you got trouble, you had like, what was it, like 30 something people claiming, 30 something? 60. 60, like 14 year olds coming up and like raped me, and then he got 13 months of, what was it, house arrest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm fucked up about what's going on in Florida. What? Iguaners, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea well the iguanas are fucking up the electrical and they're giving people salmonella.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta think of it, if you crack like 50 raw eggs and chuck them in your mouth, it's basically the same thing as a raw egg. I guess dude, somebody had a bad load.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so I'm like, I'm walking, uh, I'm walking Andrew's dog, it's like 6.30 in the morning, cause Andrew's laid up, his knee's messed up, so I'm there, taking care of business, dude, whatever, Mr. Reliable, and uh, I go over like, he's a rock, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like alright, business as usual. It's like, me and him are the only two people alive in the world at this point. And actually there's one lady like a block and a half up the street just chilling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I walked down, I'm like, this guy's definitely gonna try to like bum rush me. But he was like, that's my path I always take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like, fuck this. So I start walking, he's like, motherfucker's gonna get popped today. Da da da da da da. And I'm like, I really hope this guy doesn't, like, I'm in my head, like, I hope I don't have to fucking wrestle with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like 25 feet from him, I was like fuck, and I just turned and bolted, it was like a, uhm, like a chrome gun with like a black little, like on the handle. I was like holy shit dude, I turned and just bolted, hit the driveway, I'm like ducked behind Spud's driveway, I peeked back out and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the time that happened, I was like, I don't feel like calling the cops and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that was like a Saturday morning, and then I just walked the dog, and I'm like, I really hope not that I don't bump into this fucking guy. There's a guy on a bike, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it was, it was definitely a safety issue. This dude had a whistle on him, dude, just screamed out, he was in fact, like, death threat shit. The cops, I think, ended up coming, uh, someone called. I saw them today, I went up, I was actually trying to- Saw the dude? No, I saw the cop. I think the dude might have been there today, I can't tell. There's two guys that are just two ripped dudes that ride hit mountain bikes, so it's tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't bully. They're pretty chill. I've walked by this guy a bunch of times before and I'm like, what's up, dude? And he's like, yeah, what's going on? He just, I caught him on a bet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, bro, this dude might be like 55. He's an old, he's an old, he's like a geese. He's a geese riding into the sunset, man. He's a wild bull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea man, so I was like, do I call? They're gonna fucking come ice this guy. And if I don't, this guy ices someone. I was like, it might be a pellet gun too. Doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, dude, he had like, I was like, he had a gun to him and he was gonna kill someone. This guy just goes, oh shit. I was like, you know him? He goes, nah man, I'm not from around here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, I don't know. I'm like on the lookout for this guy now. I'm still walking his dog around. I'm like, dude, I hope I don't see this fucking dude with a gun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I, I thought, I thought about that, I was like, dude, cause I was like, the whole walk I took, I kept like, escape, like making escape routes, and one of them was like, it came to a fence, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like how does, like how- Do you like, do you like future or are you a future guy? Negative, I'm saying like, future doesn't seem like a guy who can have thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently, dude, his thoughts are about young girls, dude. What's future rap about? I don't know. Taking pills, pretty much. Taking pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like it. It's pretty wild, man. I was watching the first- The first episode I saw, it was just literally, in my head I was like, wow, this is like, if like, a dystopian future where people all just like took rap like literally and just lived like that. It really is, man. And then I saw the two producers and I went, whoa, what the fuck, this is kinda crazy. I didn't know it was produced by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was watching it and I was like all of a sudden my trap, my trap antennas went bloop and I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's so many, there's like multiple bulge scenes. They don't like shy on the bulge scenes in there. And there's like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, dude, I don't, I, I'm looking forward to, uh, automation taking out these weird, like dude, there's doorman. I, I, doorman is the weirdest interaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make girls feel safe though. Is that what that's for? You wouldn't know cause you're a white man. Is that still a thing? Yeaah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, I know man, I'm sorry, you gotta fuckin' sit here all day, and it's the weirdest fuckin' job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was dying. Did you, uh, did you get into like the milkshake shit, how they were throwing, like, Andy, if I was throwing milkshakes? Cement milkshakes? Cement milkshakes? That's not a British thing, dude. Huh? British people were doing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, they were, so I was reading about, so they're talking about doing the milkshakes and how everyone's like, uh, there was that guy that Crowder I think was in a fight with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're having fun for now. I got the point that could take us all back, dude. So Steven Crowder's like weird inverse, the guy he got in a fight with, wrote a thing being like, the lispy queer. You're gonna get SD platforming. What he said, don't get SD platforming. I'm quoting. So he, that's exactly, that's Steven Crowder's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know like a while ago you were saying like there's just not that many fucking neo-nazis kidding around? So like they were like, nah, they're everywhere. Now they're saying there are like not a lot of neo-nazis around, but it's because of like anti-fascist forces. They're strong. They're saying, yea, anti-fascists, all like 130 pound like bike messengers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, that was watching the one video of the guy smacking someone with a helmet and uh, it was like, you know, he smacks them with a helmet and they all start fighting and like three people pile on him and he gets up and hits someone and they like take their mask off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, I was selling Andrew, I was in class watching, we went to class and watched the 13th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they had, they did all that, and then they, uh, they showed, like, Reagan, Nixon, they went all the way through the lines. They did all the stuff. What'd you laugh at? Nothing. He's fucking Arnold over here. Are you flexing, bruh? I'm not at all. I'm pack balancing, dude. Muscle spasm or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they, they show the Clintons and then they, at the end, this is what I was trying to talk about in class, you know, we didn't have really time for it, I had to write down an index card for next time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like, they, it's literal propaganda, dude. So it's like they show, well no, they show like it's a fact, it's an historically


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Factual in terms of the pool they're pulling from. It's like, okay, yes, this is a true thing. And then they get everyone all fucked up with all these crazy images.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then at the end of it, it's the Clintons apologizing that we were wrong for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally didn't mean to have fun in jail. Totally didn't mean to imprison black people forever for like, just bullshit, like so sorry. And then it's them apologizing, the next shot is just Trump being like, get him out of here, smack him in the face. And then as he's saying that, they're showing pictures of like black guys being lynched and like assaulted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, VH1 stars, dude. It's such- Probably are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, what if your son, what if your male biologically, excuse me, what if your biologically male son identifies as a girl but wants to trans to be male through physicality? Could you give him several ways in?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me. What America calls a boy, but yea. Yea, what America calls a biological boy. Okay, starting out as a boy, go on. Organism with a penis. Go on, boy. A human with a penis, who is identifying at four, let's say, as a, gender-wise, the social construct, the expression of their biological sex, as a girl. Okay. And then as they want to trans their


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say spiritual feminine inclination into a man, but they need to take steroids in order to like feel like a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's like, oh your girlfriend has hairy arms, and I was, I couldn't take it, I fucking caved and we broke up. It's for a day dude, whatever. But, you know, she's pretty. So we're like, I had a dream where she was there, just like, come on, we're on a couch, let's do it. And in my dream I was like, no, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, the episode before the live cast, we went deep into like, romantic options in terms of like, you're basically fucked either way. I kept reading that book dude, I realized that's the options if you go pure lust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? Like, I've been a pure lust operator my whole life. That's how you operate. According to my dreams now, I've gotten over that. Now I'm wholesome, but- Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you guys are like, you guys are in love through a total language barrier? Yea, no English. I told you about Portuguese, I know. Yo, que de vos say, dude? Hit her with it. Did you hit her with it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, well, she's uh, Brazilian Portuguese, right? Yea. Yea, dude, hit her with fucking, you'll care, you'll uh, you'll care about saying it. I won't talk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that little, that clip you gave, that's their reality TV programming. Do you watch reality, do you watch the housewives shows? They're like, I got a lot of attitude, but I also got class. And then like, bite an apple and the camera fades out. They all do that shit over there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, dude. Well that's when I watched Euphoria, I was like, is this what high school's like? And if so, this is end of day shit. Not even close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess I do do a lot of cheerleader porn. It's like, I guess I could be called cheerleaders. That was 100% high school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean they are. I don't think they will man, I think I'll skate. Think Shane's gonna go to bat for him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if you're a hot dude vs. hot chick, hot chick goes so much further. Oh yeaah. Based on just physical characteristics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a hot dude, you're like, worst case, you end up as like a surf bum, you know, just like, or like some dude at a local bar, just like banging divorcees and like, you know, some like weird snizz loop. It's a hot chick, it's like, worst case scenario, you get divorced and like, come.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crabs in a bucket, dude. I can say, they don't take, they don't approach 30. Well, some do, again, like I have to say my- Some blossom late. My takes on this are tough, because I've been a lifetime luster, dude. Yeah. So I've like, I've definitely hit the dark side of the female ego, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What they say to do is that you can't project your need for interacting with like the- you can't idealize the feminine. You have to just kinda like let them be their own weird little creatures.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, cause then you're kind of, that's, you're drawing up a wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ultimate Psyop was back in like the 1600s when we got, there was a religious movement around like the, like the, the Cathars. Used to believe that like, God was a woman. No it's not dude. They used to believe God was a woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're the divine feminine. You still have sex, but like, you just didn't like... I'm trying to think how to explain it. When it came to your interactions with women, it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's why I was, last week, I'm like, it's either, you have to, I'm like, there's no thing, either you get cucked, or you're a polyamorous, I'm like, that's the life of a luster, dude. So please, don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Expect to have this, uhm, like transcendental experience through my union with this person where they make my life make sense. That's all bullshit, we gotta sign a picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed to approach, you're supposed to just see a woman and approach her and be 100% honest with her? Yea, that's mom and apple pie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the paradox though, you're talking about worldwide cooperation from a very combative partnership. But they don't know that they're doing it. It's a high mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were getting pussaded. Well that's the thing, I've said that before, is like, if you're in a relationship where you just listen, I mean again, if you're like, I don't know, like getting fucked up all the time and you're like smoking crack and your girlfriend's like stop smoking crack, obviously take her fucking advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Divine femininity is the- that's when they get in touch with their divine femininity. Yea, that's what they try to say. They try to make it all cool and sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's a tough time, dude, for bass. It's a tough time. It's confusing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's supposed to be dark but then like when they're like going out to a party to get fucked and they're playing like boom boom boom boom they're doing like cool intro stuff that's where I'm talking about where propaganda is where it's like you can be like oh it's this ad on a cerebral level but if it's like cool images and like it's creating a feeling in people that's what you can do and people will be like fuck yeah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no way. I think not. Your four year's gonna be a slow burn dude, but that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if you're, if they're watching like, yeah, hopefully it all like ends with them all just like ending in ruin and it's like a cautionary tale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was surprised. That's when I saw that scene, I was like, wow, I'm surprised they're, uh, throwing this in the fucking dialogue. When the girl basically blacks out, fucks a guy in the pool, and is like, yea, rape me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Yea, we're at an hour twenty, we can fucking, we can cap this bill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, which one? The one you said where they turn off the comments, cause it was like this dude is fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dad drinks like 90 ounces of coffee a day. He could take a tiny bit of LSD. I don't know dude, that's scary. Dude, I would rather take a fucking hit of acid than drink as much coffee as he takes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you do, you wanna get up right, and then you analyze all your stuff, but I would say, it kind of like a real quick window into suicidality, and you're right back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta be able to sit and be with yourself, dude, otherwise you're gonna have... I am, I'm a busybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so was I. I keep it moving. I used to be a busybody, I used to get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started getting panic attacks when I was like 21. When I was little I used to wake up in the middle of the night and just be terrified. My thing is once- when you lay down and you're falling asleep, that's when the subconscious mind is like- That's like the most active dude I've ever met. Yea bro. Been fighting in my games dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm gonna sit down and relax, I have to ward off just like a cascade of like, what the fuck are you doing? It's not healthy, bro. It's not healthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I VR skydived and I was fucking like actually scared. Oh yea. Like I was like woah, this is, I was like literally like I might throw up dude. Where was like, did they have like fans going on? No, I was in a winter, I was floating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did your girlfriend kiss your neck yet? Huh? Did your girlfriend kiss your neck? Dude, he hasn't kissed my neck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We wrassled dude, it was him and his friend. They suck at fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy was pretty fucking strong. It was the first fight I was in where I was like, usually I'm getting fights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, when I got in that fight, I remember like it was a black dude and he had these like two like shitty fucking friends, they were like these two white guys, and they were like talking shit, so I was like fuck you guys. Locked horns with a black guy. One of them, like the other guy jumped in somehow and got my shoe off me, so it was a two on one sitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I turned the tide on the black dude, but I remember he was, he was gripping me up and I was like...


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[Assistant] I said regular sneakers on. The whole thing came about because my, my roommate, I talked about this before, I thought I had some lugs. The whole thing happened when I, my roommate, I don't know if I talked about this before, my roommate had this like nice shirt from Express and he was like, you never dress up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fr- I had to have talked about this before. My freshman year roommate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fell in love with his little sister's best friend. Okay. I talked about this before.


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[Assistant] So this, this guy, I had, I must have said this on the cast, this was a guy, he was talking about it, he's like, I don't know man, like I really like her, and he was like, he'd never had sex before. He was like, he's like, we're like, he's like, we're gonna have sex tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he had this shirt, it was like a $60 shirt from Express. And he was like, dude, you never dress up, I'm going home. He probably felt good about getting some pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, here dude, wear this shirt tonight man, go out, trust me man, people will love it. So I wore this nice button up shirt on the way home from going out, I didn't get any ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was like, someone's gonna call me gay for wearing this. Walk, I, I get no ass all night, my roommate's full of shit, and then some guy calls me a faggot, and on the way home, I came back, saw them again, I was like, what the fuck did you guys say? That's how I followed Black Dude. Ohhhh. Wow, dude. So they ripped, oh by the way, the shirt got ripped to shreds. The shirt ended up getting ripped to shreds. So funny, he was like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look bro, if you need to get it, you're out there, I've, look, sometimes you gotta look for a blowjob online, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't, I'm saying though, I know, I'm saying you should not do that, but I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't shame a man for trying, dude. I wouldn't, I won't shame a man for trying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I, dude, honestly, I'm not gonna shame anyone for seeking blowjobs online. You guys are drawing a small circle, I'm drawing an even bigger circle around that, including everybody, dude. It's alright. We're the first people to, like, actually experience the internet, dude. Stuff's gonna happen. No, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone will pop up and suck you. I'm gonna try it, yeah. Well, yeah, the whole thing is too, is you gotta delete Chinder and just- we're supposed to meet our base from just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed to observe a bae in real life for a while, see what she's about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what I'm saying, you're supposed to see him in real life and watch him in real life situations, but now we don't really see him like that, so now we have to be like, she's hot, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can do a non-denominational church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a little dangerous. Something will suck you in. Nah, it's not that far out. If you go to like the Church or Circle of Hope, one of those churches where it's just like, dudes giving like, doing like Ted Talks and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's archaic revival, dude. You gotta just go back to when things made sense and start back from there. Yea, nothing makes sense. Right now, right now we're getting into it. It's a bad time, dude. You can only meet chicks online. You gotta read their sad fucking profiles.


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[Assistant] Well, that's what happens if you can't identify with the other feelings, anger just dominates. Well, it doesn't dominate.


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[Assistant] You know the difference between thoughts and feelings? Huh? You know the difference between thoughts and feelings?


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[Assistant] You don't know? No. Feelings are, they're wordless, dude. They're the little weird body pangs you get. You gotta start getting in touch with those. Otherwise you're just gonna hulk out. It's like some weird Jew shit. I'm just gonna chill. Nah, dude.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not putting you down. I'm not saying, dude, you did a good job.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I can see that. Also going to all boys catholic school.


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[Assistant] It's been my life. I'm agreeing with you. I'm saying for sure. I've always thought about that about all boys high schools. I went to all boys high school, bro. It fucked me up. No, I'm telling you. All boys high school fucked me up because it was like you had, you hung out with your dogs all day every day and then we would go to a sister school.


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[Assistant] All Boys High School I think is absolutely like that, where you're just kinda like, they


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[Assistant] No, we're hitting it dude, we're at two hours. Yea, it's wild. Yea, it's wild. It's a wild cast. It's fun. It's whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We back baby, we gotta take a little pee pee break. It's time. Dude, how about the fucking, in Philadelphia as we speak, a dude still inside of a house with an AK-47 in North Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to talk about mindful self-leadership. We'll have to wait, but yea, for sure dude. No, go ahead. No, no, no, no. I want to wait. What did you say about leadership? Mindful self-leadership, dude. You're obviously driven in it. Almost, almost modern. So what else is kicking with all this stuff?


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[Assistant] Imagine if you, so you know, there's an on the record pedophile. Spud, is there a picture of you in a dress in his house?


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[Assistant] No, no. Spud, is there a picture of you in this guy's house in a dress? What? No. Bill, any pictures of you? Hell no.


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[Assistant] Who's there a picture of in this guy's house? Bill Clinton in a dress. I'm very confused. What's going on? Matt's saying if you lay with dogs you get fleas. Exactly. So it's like if Bill Clinton's, if there's a picture of Bill Clinton in this guy's house, and if people are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might get Chandler to follow you. Yea, I'd be careful though. You could be on that obscene line, by the way.


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[Assistant] I don't know, this is- Wait, there was a picture of Trump- Trump with his daughter and Epstein like in the background?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you know that's photoshopped? I don't, I don't, like, my thing is I don't automatically


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[Assistant] This is, this is the thing that fucks me up about government stuff. Why do they keep paperwork? Like if you're doing illegal shit, why do they write about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possibly, or it's not, or it's like, would they, that's, this is my, this is my sticking point in all those things. I don't know the facts, but I know about, I know criminal enterprises and if people would, if you're dealing with even people like military minded, casualties are not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also like, every other country is plagued by, uhm, you know, corruption. Massive corruption. Massive corruption. No, I know, and in America, if they do something super corrupt, it's like, we're not gonna do it. It's like, probably won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then they say it was like, they said at first it was uh, muslim dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so, for concrete? Like, steel concrete or like, big like, two foot concrete beams?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, I could say a truck bomb, that's a legitimate beef because I've demolished parking structures before and it's like, it's concrete, rebarbed, and you're sitting there hitting it, hitting it, and breaking it down and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess you'd have to watch those, uhm, like the ones in the middle east where they pull up the car bombs.


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[Assistant] That's wild, that's, that's a, and that's just stuff, like you said, this is just stuff in, in my opinion, stuff to just look into. You can look into it and be like, oh I don't believe it, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to check in, I know, you gotta fly, you gotta get out of here, you've been doing, you've been doing...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all like, you're not 30 yet. We're all 30 something, dude. We can't have fun. We couldn't have families, dude, because we got PsyOps so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, you can't. Chase excellence. Yeah. Exactly. Can't be a luster. Don't chase skirts, chase excellence. Can't be a luster. You can call it, some girls don't mind when you call it them pussy, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea dude, it's like, people are slowly being like, yeaah, we got kind of psy-opt into some really weird shit. Yeaah. Let's back, and that's becoming the new, like, accepted edge, is like, slight disses on that whole thing. Yeaah. It'll cut, you know, it's, you know, you're trying to fucking turn around a, uh, you know, cruise ship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's something, it's actual meaning, dude, and that's what we're, you know, devoid of. So it's like, if you're like, I do, when I was 23, all I wanted to do was make $100,000 a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Never heard. Sounds sick though. Yea, when I was 23, if you're like, what are you gonna do? I'm like, I gotta make $100,000 a year. And in my head I was like, that'll just be the end all be all. I'll make 100 G's and everything will be sick. Made 100 G's before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came into fucking money when I was like 22, 23. Very stressful means. And dude, I was like high on the hog. This is never gonna end. I'm the fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's also paper, you can also set yourself up, being paper too is setting yourself up to not need that much paper, then you're also, you're killing it. All you gotta do is call your shot and go for it bro. And if it fails, do something else and chill. Scare my helmet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Outta Banks is gonna be sick. We're gonna run out, we're gonna run out blocks dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next summer, next summer, we'll put it out, hit him with the zip code, we'll hit him with the zip code, and then tell everyone, it'll be like the show The Leftovers, dude, or what's that, where everyone disappears, everyone wear all white for a week, dude, and then we'll just know, we'll see each other and be like, what up, and we'll all just flock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm trying to find this guy's, uh, I had a shout out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothin'. I always thought it was, uh, like, like a hog. I always thought it was a pretty ass white girl. I didn't know it was fat. Like, P-H-A-T. And, uh, I don't think you're wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's like, did you just fucking cum in me? Did you just cum in me? And then she gets a gun and just fires it in the air. Like an Arab at a birthday party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the first people in after 9-11.


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[Assistant] I wonder if any of them are like, like kinda half-assin' it. Like, you know, you're having a rough day. And then like, people are coming in, you're like, alright, it's ceremonial, we're fucking shooting AK into the air. Whatever, it's great, we got horses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. I think they elected a comedian. I think he was a comedian. That's what it was. Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Pretty sick. Sick move. We should elect Louie. That would be pretty tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Ukraine's got some wild shit going. They got fascists, like pro-Russians, communists, they got wild shit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and like half the country wants to be Russian. Wants to be dominated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half the, half Ukrainians are subs. Really? Yeah, they're real fucking hard power bottoms.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Besides Ukraine. The fascists. The fascists in Ukraine are like, dude, we're the best. But dude, it's fascists v fascists. No, it's, it's fascists v, like, commies. Ohhhhh. Yeah. Damn. Ukraine had a big thing, like in...


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[Assistant] No one's really ever accepted that. True. Ever.


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[Assistant] I don't know, no one's ever been like, you know what, our culture lost. You guys are right.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it'll tick you off a little. I'm saying, it's gotta tick you. It's gotta tick you a little bit. It's gotta get you ticked. Yeah, when they kill your entire fuckin' town, you're like, ah, dammit. I thought we were better than this. Firing off some guns. Yeah. No longer a family man. I thought we were better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, they, they, yeah, they, Ukraine had a bunch of that the whole time. All those countries did. All those shitty little ones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, typically they try to expand. Yeah. But yeah. Pretty tight. Yeah, there's fascist countries that just stick to themselves. Little teeny little countries.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then they get crushed. Who was it? In every country, like in Europe that tries to be like, no, we're neutral.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you can't go through here, we're neutral, you gotta go around us. Yeaah. And then the Germans would just go straight through it, and they're like, what? Can't believe you guys didn't listen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do it the next time. Ah, they're doing it again. Anyway. What's up, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't be, don't be afraid to say my new thing. I know, dude. You were about to. Don't be afraid to say it. I know, I gotta do my head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's too complicated. Bro, you're just, you're unveiling new things every week. That's true. That's what the whole, the point of the cast is to sit down and hear you say that. What new thing are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick, you went like, personally into the dark ages. At like, 23. It was pretty tight. You were just like, yea germs aren't real, fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would have been a lot better if you lost your eye to be honest.


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[Assistant] She always does. She does. She dresses like Dr. Evil for real. Yes. Yo, Billy was, Billy Black filled me hard on Hill Dog. About what? On H.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened? Apparently there's some vids. Oh yeaah. Q was hinting at it dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, how about this one? I went on to fucking Snopes.com to find out if Ilya and Omar actually married her brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, what happened? We were talking about that. Inconclusive. Even Snopes is like, we don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro. Wait a second. Even Snopes was like, this is, we're not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but if it's true. Did they consummate?


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[Assistant] I think they have kids. I believe they have kids. Hold up, hold up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I skimmed the article. Maybe I'm wrong. I think she is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think she has kids from different, she also had a different husband. In like London or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She called it a cultural marriage. Classic Somali Muslim.


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[Assistant] Yeah, which I don't know if you, yeah, I don't think Somali divorces are handled well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every Muslim woman's like a fucking dude with a DUI that has a breathalyzer in his van. He's like, listen, I gotta, can you give me a ride down to the fucking bowling alley?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, so, you know, but the thing, I think I might have said it on here, I could be wrong, but, it's so funny when Trump was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I heard that. I don't know if that's true, but apparently she married her brother. I don't know. And everybody on the left was like, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How can you accuse someone of this? And then every fucking person on the left is like, you know Trump fucks his daughter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like every day you guys are out there being like, dude, he definitely fucks his daughter all the time. And she fucking his retarded son. His retarded fucking son. He fucks his daughter and his wife's a slut. And then it's like, Trump's like, I don't know, I heard maybe...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I have interactions with certain people that are just, you make fun of each other.


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[Assistant] And you can't get out. Like me and Gervin. Me and Gervin.


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[Assistant] Me and Gerben it's a bit. It's like I bully him every time I talk to him and I can't get out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so like if he's not feeling good, we just won't talk. He's like, I can't handle that conversation. And I'm like, I'm not gonna be mean to you. And I'm like, what's wrong with you, you pussy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, obviously there's always a subtext to any fucking interaction. Sure, so what's wrong with becoming aware of it? But becoming aware of it and like planning it is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, white people, white people need seasoning. Black people got seasoning down. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, nothing like a good flavorless food. I love it dude, just like a good mush, a good gruel dude, just a paste, it's like ass dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea dude. That's awesome to have like trainers with like water bottles come running out and stretch them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was, uh, there's like stories in football before like Gatorade, like before they understood hydration at all. They'd be like, alright, give them whiskey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd have like shots on the sidelines to be like, alright, you'll play better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was down there. I don't even know where NASA is. Where is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that was the whole article, so I'm like, what the fuck, dude? Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta cut you off. This has been fucking, I've been laughing since we watched. So we watched this thing called SBSK where this weird, weird dude interviews kids with like horrific disabilities. He just sits down to YouTube channel SBSK, but there's one where he's interviewing this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little black kid that's just strapped into a fucking thing. Complete vegetable. Yeah. And somebody was like, I wonder what he's thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or like, what do you think his, like, inner monologue is? And I was just like, man, get these motherfuckers out of my fucking house!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's literally hanging, it looks like they just strapped him to the back of like one of those like, uh, like those, uh, what are those things like for your back? Inverter. It's literally strapped to the back of one and he's just hanging there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the end he gives like a, or in the beginning he gives a pound to the guy. Yeah. And then he types in his board which takes like a minute and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was already cooler than the guy conducting the interview. It's crazy. Anyway, so just, I love imagining any retarded person's inner monologue being like, God damn, these motherfuckers are fucking hotter than a motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, turn it off, turn it off. He wasn't ready for it. Uh, so I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were listening, you were listening to this book. Oh, you got another one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you know. Yeah, I saw a tweet today, it's kind of, it's kind of on, it's not really there, but it's like, this lady tweeted out like, just a PSA, remember, black people can't be racist. And I was just like, that's hilarious. Like, I just imagine every, every black person I've seen, every black person I've seen at like a 7-Eleven, like, come on, motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean also imagine the other side of that where it's like by your existence you are a complete victim. Yeah. It's like Jesus Christ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, yeah. C.I.A. family. Did we even talk about our new political leader? Who? Our new fucking queen. Who is that lady? Sheree Murray. Nah. Absolutely queen, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's attacking the squad. She came out with the fucking fire tweet. This was like last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Sheree Mary tweeted, there's a crisis in Queens and it's called AOC. She isn't worried about us. She's worried about being famous. That's why I'm running for Congress. Join our movement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a Republican? I love this country. It's been a land of opportunity for me and my family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we must get back to positive dialogue and solutions. AOC and the radical left want to divide us. Whoo!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's build bridges instead of burning them down. Sheree Murray dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I'm just looking at Cherie's Twitter. She tweeted, thank you Donald Trump, about his, uh, he said, just had a very good call with Swedish Prime Minister who assured me that American citizen ASAP Rocky will be treated fairly. Likewise, I assured him that ASAP was at a flight risk and offered to personally vouch for his bail. I saw that yesterday. I mean, Trump dog's putting up bail for ASAP. What a world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, okay, now our government, like, how do you decide who's making the rules?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, look at these fucking fields in central Pennsylvania. I'm sick of these fields. Fuck this shit. Do you think that's what they were targeting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it's an interesting thing, because I do feel like Chinese dads are definitely docile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was thinking though. Buddha left his family. Nice. Hell yeah. Sidart. Sidart. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. I call him Sid. Sid. Uh, Elion Omar, like, anybody that like sneaks into the country illegally or like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't have any borders I want to get to, but like if they were like, you can never go to a Notre Dame game. Unless you fucking, the only way you can get in that stadium is if you marry your sister. You would do it? I gotta do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hot. I'm hot. Yeah, that must be filled with dudes who get in. That's a thing. Like it must be a chill ass town. There must be some chill fucking towns on the way up from like Honduras to stop to Mexico and like, fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, we don't even want to settle a dispute, let's just kill these people. I don't even feel like going through the process of talking this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He caught me and he was like, get the fuck off there, you fat bastard. He called me a fat bastard in front of everyone. What? So I was like, okay. How old were you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was high school. Dude. Yeah, I was like a sophomore or junior. Fat bastard. Yeah, so I went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lugied in his fucking drink, sat down, uh, then I watched him drink it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I fucking told him I did it. I did it and told him I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw his face. I was in the back of the class just like, yes. There was no part of me that thought it was funny. It was a pure, active, absolute vengeance. And then I told him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he would have gotten a lot of trouble. He would have been cleared. He did me a favor. He had the opportunity to fucking get me like expelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true dude, he swallowed longer. He was a young teacher. He was the man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just a shame because me and him were friends, but he caught me on a bad day, dude. You know. You caught him on a bad day. You caught each other on a bad day. We got war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think both. I think for him it was probably don't get too friendly with students. Cause he was new. He was young.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm not proud of that. I was, I was, I felt shame. As a kid? I felt shame afterwards, cause just the way he handled it. And it wasn't a, it wasn't like a haha this is funny type thing I did to him. Yeah. It was like a genuine like, fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, mustache was either you're gay or yeah, you're some 100%. Mustache used to be you're gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were talking about Asian dads doing the beard thing, no dads had beards. Beards were gay back then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, if your dad had a beard, he was probably a pussy. Yeaah, fair to say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would buy leather goods online. I have a leather satchel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, all my friends that were cool in high school don't have beards. Interesting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would be furious if I told them that was even an activity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta golf and black out on the weekends and go to work. Hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but there is that, like I was, you know, if you're in Fishtown, go through there. It's just like, oh, stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now hipsters kind of evolved into tough guy with a beard and a tattoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that reminds me, I gotta shout out, uh, Carpe and Booty, dude. The Bulls. What's up, dogs? What's up, dogs? When I was walking in my car today, this guy, he pulled over and was like, he lowered his window down and was like, look at this fucking shirt, dude. Look at this shirt. He was wearing a Matt and Shane shirt. Damn. It was awesome. Carpe and Booty. That's hilarious. Elite dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, cause being a mom is powerful. Exactly. So now men are like, you know, I'm that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's tough to show vulnerability on here, but, uh. You're just gonna be punished? Yeah, uhm. I got fat-bullied. It's just a thing where it's like, if you're saying that, like, it doesn't hurt my feelings. It hurts my feelings to know someone thinks they're hurting me. That's when it bothers me. Then, like, if you called me that. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just used it to my, my powers. I just became an elite offensive lineman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and when men do, men do that now, and it's a real feminine fucking move, like you see it in like, like when clicks, like especially in comedy though, it's like somebody will walk over to a table and like, we don't talk to them. Like gay shit like that. Didn't the wood man just get like dumped?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see, I think that was older. Okay. I think that was an old thing that took place. But yes, Woodman, another Philly comic, they had to break up because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other comic was like, I can't hang out with you anymore because of who you associate with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like to make the fuck up. Give him some booze. Give him some booze. Yes. Yeah, but those little, the dorks, they freak out when they booze. Cause then they have to confront that level of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, men are fucking, like 10 guys that have fucked a couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's too fucking flaunty. Hell yeaah. Dude, what else is cracklin'? What are you doing to Jitsu, bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, yeah, the yoga stuff gets a little weird to me. There's like a lot of fuckin' like sexuality involved in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I don't like rolling with women. I don't like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tap? You think you can tap out? You think if like a rapist is like into jujitsu, he's like alright. You think he'd respect the tap? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I was, if you were a rapist, being a jujitsu, getting into jujitsu would be pretty crucial. It's a little bit of overkill in terms of skill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were wrestling over there, like turn the channel. Then they started wrestling. Oh, tip popped out. Did you like that? Did I like that? Uh oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was holding him down, put her fucking pussy on his face, whoo, watch out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, before they even started fucking. Yeah. I was already in clean up mode thinking to myself, good lord, the fuck am I watching? That's fucking nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I had one in high school where me and this dude would only do gay jokes to each other.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she must have had no idea what you thought she said. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty fucking brave in a car. That's true. I'll yell out some, some hate. Do you? You've seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do not recall. I do not recall. He admitted it in the car. I do not recall. I did not admit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's like, hey guys, uh, my mom's in there, do you mind not parking here?


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[Assistant] I don't know if that's a problem, cause it's like if someone disrespects you, like, whatever, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get through that, I do that a lot in stand up, like forever I would just put up with anything. Yea. Like yea sure, I'll do it, I'll do it for fucking a hundred bucks. Yea. I'll do it, like I'll do that, and then once you start standing up for yourself, people do hate you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a fucking asshole, and it's like, nah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, in hindsight, do you think maybe I was trying to appease a autistic man who just got in a fight? Do you think maybe I was just like, this is meaningless? I'll just say this to him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was, I mean I was okay. I just, dude, I wasn't, I wasn't, nothing changed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just watch the video. I laid, I remember I like went down for an event or one of the exercises and I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, yea, when I was going to West Point, people would say that, they'd be like, it's gonna instill some discipline in you, it'll be good. And I'm like, yea, alright, why don't you wake up at five and run seven miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's gonna help you out. No shit, dude. Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, okay, then you can do it. Go do it. There's nothing stopping me. I'm walking around. That's what we're doing at West Point. Go walk 12 miles this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's the same thing. Again, I remember somebody was like, damn, that would have been great. I'm like, you can do it. Go fucking, wait, set your alarm for 4.30.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a funny thing to put on someone else. Oh yea, people love doing that. Yea, I do. You had it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I think about it with football a lot. Yeah, I mean, I could have been pretty good. Do you find it hard


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not at all. Not for that reason. People throw a fruit at you. Oh yea. Quinter? Soldier? No, no, no. Now I'm happy to go back. What are you guys up to?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, it's... Nah, I have no shame in quitting football or West Point. I don't care at all. Yeah. No, no, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I know. I mean, I have friends that sacrifice their fucking entire bodies to be like, yeah, I played at Elon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have had more pride in myself, you know, if I would have stuck with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to be a football coach. That would have been something I would have done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were into business the way now you're into mushrooms. Like it was the same guy. Like I was into football the way I'm into stand up now. Same attitude, everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, thank god I fucking started getting booked. Cause there was like three years straight of that YouTube six hours thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll walk mid story. Just be like, I'm out. Especially if there's like, let's say it's you and me, and somebody walks up to us and starts talking. Dip. I'll be like, that's you too. That's a good, that's a good move. All the time. That's an easy move. That's an easy route. That's a weird thing to do. Skirt out on a trio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been, it's been years, years since I've done that. Actually, no, it was only like a year and a half. I went to a party with my ex. And it was the last time I've been at a party that I didn't know everyone. You know what I mean? Like it was one of those where it's like, cause now it's only comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Family, like friends, and I'll go home. Family, did you? It's all, how can we talk about anything else? But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was that. It was like, I'm sitting there, I was there with her, with my exes, all her girlfriends, and they're like husbands. And it was the worst fucking experience. That like, pretty much led to our breakup. Did it really? It was one of the main reasons. I was just like, I can't be in your world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? He was like, I'm thinking about playing football. I'm thinking about trying out for the Colts. You were like, huh? Where'd you play? He was like, 5'8". I was like, no you're not bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Again, he was like, he was less than six foot. And he was like a white guy that was trying to tell me he played defensive ant. Where? That's what I said. He played high school. He didn't play college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, that's true. To be a defensive end as a white guy, you have to be 6'8". You have to be J.J. White. That was my downfall. I was D.A.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, no. No, I fucking, that was back, I was, I would sit through it. I've changed, dude. I changed my fucking, uh, my grid. What'd you tell him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh nice. Where are we at time? We're good man, we're at 2 hours. Let's roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta get rolling, you got your show going on. What time's your show? 7.30. Shit man, let's get out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stress Factory. I'm fine. It's like an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, let me do these gay plugs. Yeah, plug it up, dude. Uh, this is just for August. So, August 22nd, I'll be at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Uh, the 23rd and 24th of August, DC Drafthouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 28th through 31st of August, I'll be at Cap City in Austin, Texas. Sick. So come to those, or you are gay, dude. Let's go. Uhm, yeah, that's it. Well thanks, man. That two hours flowed. This is a special announcement. What? I'm gonna quit DIP for a week. Whaaaaat? No DIP starting Tuesday. Tuesday to Tuesday. Hell yeah, dude. No DIP, dude. You make it the whole week?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I haven't quit in forever. The last time I quit, I quit for like three months, and it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I was at my friend's house in Atlanta. And, R.I.P. by the way, he died. What? That guy died? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit. Yeah, he died. R.I.P. bro. Yeah. He played football with me at Elon. Damn. Yeah, he fucking passed away, it was real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he had dip, and it was that thing where I'm doing nothing all day, cause I'm doing stand up at night, so I'm just stuck in Atlanta without a car, just sitting there like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had some dip sitting there. Not even dip I liked. It was like grizzly fucking, it was shitty, shitty dip. Classic cut. Yea. Stuff that'll kill you. Yea. Shit. He's my friend. But uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I just, you know, threw one in and have been- Dude, I've been Devin since I was like 15.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's absolutely gonna- I'm gonna lose my jaw and fucking tongue if I keep doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some, uh, what helped me quit the first time, I got that fucking gum. Yeah, knick-rack gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fucks you up a little bit, but it does, you know, I'll just pick up smoking. It'd be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people fucking die easy from dip. Really? Yeah. That's why everyone quits after high school. They might as well smoke. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean I dip fucking non-stop. Yeaah, did you knock that off? Yeaah, I'm gonna try. Where's your ten? I'm dipping until Tuesday. Give it here dude. Oh, that's the classic, that never. No, no, no, no. Tuesday. You gotta set a date. No you don't, you gotta stop, you gotta stop right then and there. Nah, cause I'm about to drive to New Jersey. That's the classic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People do that. They never work. It works and they graduate and they're happy. Look, I'm going to not dip for a week. I'll be out of the country for a week. Oh shit. I'm just not going to bring any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, we did it, we did it. Yeaah, let's go baby!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can literally just put it on my tongue and pack it, like it doesn't taste bad anymore. It's just, I can put it in my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just the habit, especially now like driving, I drive so much. Does it make you like, does it really wake you up? Uh, oh yea, that was a problem I had while I wasn't dipping. I was like falling asleep while driving. I don't know if it actually wakes you up, but it gives you something to do. Like you're doing something while you're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I, yeah, we'll see, I'm gonna try. But the risk of cancer, it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then your inhibitions go down and you're just like, fuck it. Yeah. Throwing a dip. Who gives a fuck? Nobody lives forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the mentality. Fuck, dude. So we'll see. We'll see you next time we talk, dude. Next week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well you're talking to someone who on record voted for Obama.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look how Fredo talks when he knows he's on camera. Fredo. Who's Fredo? Fake News Fredo, Chris Cuomo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's talking about this? Q. That's the other thing. Q's been talking about this forever. Wow. Hasn't been wrong at it either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, once your Prince Andrew, the high power elites dude, they get off the human sacrifice dude, they're psychopaths, they want power.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, I mean, the downfall of all great civilizations seemed like a sacrifice. Jones said it. The mines, they all started sacrificing fucking humans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So someone like Maxwell would be a procurer, a Renfield. Someone who goes and gets the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have contracts. Another Muslim guy I worked with, Jalil told me about. Muslims got this shit right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do that. But dude, Epstein was only getting massages. So maybe he was just robbing his boner on him. Maybe Epstein was a Muslim. Maybe he sold things at Farce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, who's going, these guys must know how to keep it quiet, cause who's going to that office and not going like... That's pre-camera fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not that loud, dude. You're a pussy. I have my parrot on, dude. It's loud as shit. I have my parrot on everyday. I've had it on longer than you. You probably have like, hearing damage though. Nope. Not me, bro. Not me. Bulletproof, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so chill that I would do that for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that was great. He's sitting there like this. Who the fuck has birthday parties for their fucking brothers and sisters? And like in my head I'm just like, damn, maybe he's right. Is my family just being like gay about birthdays? They are like in their twenties. And I'm like, oh wait, Spade family hates them, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What in the fuck happened to you, man? Dude, you guys are just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need more dollars. Speaking of which, the Patreon. You got some creep creeps on the reddit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna be, dude, last time he did this, maybe not even last time, he was coming to my house to paint the next day, dude. Oh my god. What happened?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Terrell's not your brother, and Terrell's not biting your nipple, bro. That's gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think we're going to World War 4 with China? It's, uh, it's more of a financial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All tiny organisms, all fuckers. Yea, right now. Yea. That's crazy. That's the song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. So is your enemy of yours? Not even enemy, just someone that I let live every day and I could fucking from the top rope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. Cause like you could, you could release it too quick and look like an autistic idiot. Just like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I'm talking about all the ones, all the real dudes on Patreon. No, no, I'm just saying everyone on Patreon, they put up all that like crazy porn, all those crazy stories no one sees on Reddit. But you'd have to pay for it to read it, so it's like, doesn't matter. It's kind of like I've been saying, don't worry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You tried to stop our last fucking cast three separate times, and it went on 30 minutes every time. On the last one, it was just like, alright, let's wrap this up, and then it's like 40 more minutes, alright, let's wrap this up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought someone would just stick their finger in his ass for a long time until he was like adjusting to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I just, I get off track so fast because I, I, it's like, I don't want you to think that I'm saying this because it was like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I dated a th- I dated a therapist for a little while, and like, she was saying that like, you know, the whole approach is to not be judgmental and let someone like, tell their truth, and it's just like, no, don't criticize their ver-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all these people being like, oh, saying words like that is not new. It's not edgy. And it's like, well, neither is telling people what they can't say.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's thousands of years old too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing older than being like, can't say that!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like the other kid who actually wants to destroy the world and take it over joins like the young Republicans club. He puts on a blazer and he figures out how to do paperwork and then they dominate everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also it's like, you know what, do that, make that stuff, but don't like, go in front of Congress.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's like the- What do you mean? Well it's like you see comedians now that go and like testify in front of Congress about like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Phil indulges you taking over the television is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Right. That's also one of those situations where like, even if you were withholding that for a little bit, I wouldn't follow you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a shitty thing to- You know, it's like, just be- If you were just funnier than the person you didn't like, you wouldn't have to worry about them-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched that whole like episode and he's sort of like, he doesn't really stand by those comments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like Machiavellian. And it's also, it's also just like, it is just taking the whole like human component out of it. It's just like, these are just, this is like hot air moving to cold air. Is that how wind starts?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think it is just like, uh. Pressure is what I said. Yeah, it's like pressure and temperature mismatches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Air will try to move to where it has to go. To balance the temperature, yea yea. Heat rises.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think there is, I know like the Coriolis


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is one of those ideas that's like, sounds absolutely fucking absurd. And then you look into it and it does sort of work. Dude, I was watching, uh, dude, I was watching Terriology, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would have railed against that so hard, but two nights ago I was watching like this documentary on the Mayo Clinic. Uh huh. And, uh, and, uh, and they were doing, this guy was doing, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there like actually are such things as fake numbers or something. It's you know, whatever. It's one of those things you watch like a math documentary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he was like, here I am at Cambridge talking mathematics, tell me I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very funny. Documentaries. That was weird. I was watching, uh, cause I don't know anything about France. Like it's whole history. Yea, I'll tell you. And I was watching, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was crazy. And you know what, like, it was like a French documentary and it was so full of shit. Like I don't know, I don't know if like other countries are so like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is great. Do you want to explain what the wishy-wash is for our listeners? Oh, it's when you go to like a, you know, uh, China town. No!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of those things where I was fucked up, but I was like, I'm handling this like, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, actually I did go through a period where I was like, I felt like I was like, I think I'm like, asexual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did like stand up last night doing it, and it was like the first time that it like, yea, the lights were like doing that thing they do a little bit. And I wore like a tie-dye shirt yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, yeah, but yeah, it's, you know, it's weird. It is. It's like, it's like that window where you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you know, it's like, on some level you're like, it must have been nice to have purpose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What also makes them sound like bigots? Yeah, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tell you what's going on with me, we like, we like meet somewhere, like it is a dial, cause you can't just decide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my blood pressure was like, it wasn't nuts. It was like, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch out. I mean, we were just fuckin' around before. Now it's fuckin' biz. Now it's actually all biz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I had to email back our sponsors, tell them to go suck dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know me. Exclusive VIP parties dude. You know me. Hanging with celebs. Bro. The celebs I met this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen bro. Listen. Do I need to? Please. Alright. You know, you got Dave Chappelle. Whatever. Whatever. Not a big deal. Q-tip. Bust of Rhymes. Old. Ice Cube. Not a big deal. Not a big deal. Cube is sick. Yea, it was insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I had to do those shows all weekend. Yeah, it sucked. It sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just took some Daqua and I'm doing alright. Nice. It's still, like, you can hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not cocaine induced. Just so, you know. Fair enough. Just so we're clear. If you gotta say it, it might be. I said no. I said no to cocaine. Did you really? All week? Come on, bro. You don't roll with celebs like that and not get fuckin' offered a ton of fuckin' boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the- The Illuminati's trying to get us. Oh for sure. They're trying to get us. They're gonna honeypot you with some blow. They're trying to, they're trying to lure me in so they can get you. I know that. That's what they want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gherbs. Gherbs. Gherbs at ho connor. Gonna usher in an era of fucking gay science.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just in the trap. A lot of fucking coke talk, that's good. Every once in a while my mom will be like, You're not doing cocaine, are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No mom, this is just a joke. I don't do that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're waiting to do it under the right conditions. Exactly. That's the right move, Matt. Exactly. That's why you're responsible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's stop talking drugs, dude. We're not fucking brown. Fuck drugs, dude. Yeah, drugs are gay. True. It's important for our listeners to know that. True. Say no to drugs, cause they're fucking gay. They're the bad. Just chug beer. Chug beer, eat gummies, dude. And eat gummies, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait till you see what happened. I took like one ecstasy pill once and I was like uuuh. But I do, you know, I drink until, I drink a lot, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I didn't get that at all. I wasn't like touching or like rubbing things or anything. No, like lights looked nicer. Oh my god dude. Euphoria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, yea I was, I was like holy shit, I was like this is nice, this is very nice, that's all it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just cause you're crying doesn't mean you've won the argument. Anyway, this ecstasy is really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this, uh, sorry I'm fucking out of it, dude. You're fine, dude. It's been a lot, man. You're on the road, man. Yeah, it's been wild.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, the man dude, fucking birdman, Chris Anderson, is the fucking man. So alright, so when I got to the hotel, I was in Providence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, that's fucking Birdman. It's gotta be Birdman. Cause I saw him from behind. He's like a 6'10 fucking giant. Oh my god. That was insane. That's insane. He was, he is huge. Damn. But uh, I saw him at the desk and I was like going up the escalator and I saw him and I was like,


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[Assistant] So then, uh, later in the day, I see him in the fucking, uh,


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[Assistant] Like the store at the hotel. What was he buying? He was buying Red Bull. Sick. Hell yea.


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[Assistant] Uh, and I was gonna, I was like, fuck, alright, now I'll get the picture. So I like, walk over to take a picture and then I felt bad. So I was just like, no, I just like, quickly I was just like, uh, what's up dude, uh, I'm doing a comedy show tonight, you should come through. And he was like, word? No doubt, bro. And then, uh, he showed up. He went to the show, saw the kid fucking ball out.


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[Assistant] And he was like, yo, you fucking crazy, bro. And then we just hung out.


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[Assistant] Probably. I mean... He won a fucking championship with LeBron, dude. Birdman is THE man. Oh my god. The man.


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[Assistant] He was like, uh, so then I go watch him play the next day. He was in that basketball league.


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[Assistant] I mean IceCube, IceCube's funding it, dude. I don't know what they're hiding. They're hiding something, dude.


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[Assistant] Hold on, I got a new theory for you too. So, he tore his knee and I was like, oh man, I'll never see Birdman again. I figured he would just go straight to like the hospital and then leave. But then I get back to the hotel and he's just at the bar.


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[Assistant] Now maybe we were boys, dude. Now we started texting each other. Texting Birdman. Me and Birdman text each other now. That's so sick.


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[Assistant] That was like the highlight, that's been the highlight of, that was the highlight of my week.


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[Assistant] He, we were, this is a very mature birdman. We, we, in the green room he, fuck, what did he say? Oh, he was like, he was about to, he was about to drink a beer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, Rappaport was like, oh yea, also Rappaport's the man. He is the fucking man. Rappaport? Yea, he's awesome. Oh, the Rappaport, yea. Michael Rappaport, yea. He was like, oh, you're drinking, you gotta play tomorrow. He's like, come on, bro.


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[Assistant] I fucking, he's like, I was doing rails before playoffs in the NBA, bro. You think I can't have a fucking beer? It's like, damn dude, Berman, you're the best ever.


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[Assistant] And I dropped like a, oh I dropped my Dayquil on the floor and it was in that like small thing. He's like, yo, you dropped your fucking condom, bro. And I was like, dude, you think I wear a condom? You just call me gay? And he's like, hell no, dude, I know you fucking go Rashid Wallace on that fucking ass. I was like, yes.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, the big three? It really was dude, it was like Mike Bibby, Gilbert Arenas. Arenas is my dog. There was some really cool, I sat next to Antoine Jameson the whole time, it was fucking nuts. It was cool, but then like,


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[Assistant] Uh, I don't know. I think Hube just calls you to the league. I think it's like 10 grand a game.


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[Assistant] How much are the tickets? I don't know. Come on, bro. You know me, courtside for free, bro. That's true. Who you talking to?


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[Assistant] I had a fucking, I had a weed gummy before I went. And you know me bro, that's unlikely. Yeaah. I had a weed gummy before I left. How many millis you talking? I don't know, it wasn't that much. I wasn't like that high, but I was high enough that...


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[Assistant] Uh, also I had like a pass, like I was with CBS. Sick. So I was just walking around the stadium. I just went and sat in the upper deck by myself.


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[Assistant] I don't know, it's probably the better guys.


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[Assistant] Some of these guys, two grand a week? It's true. Fucking, dude, Birdman, I looked up his Wikipedia, his career is so funny. What'd he do? He was like, played like one year of like community college basketball in Texas, and then played professionally in China right away. What? Dude, the Birdman is, and then he got catfished. So what? Then he got catfished or something.


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[Assistant] It got murky for the birdman. They tried to fucking bring him down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he flew too close to the sun, dude. They tried to get him.


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[Assistant] Come on bro, don't try to, don't try to diminish me and Berman's friendship.


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[Assistant] Like I'm seeing, I'm, I'm, I'm. Oh. You're seeing a monster dong. I mean, I seriously.


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[Assistant] That's why he's called the bird man. Of course dude. Cause he's a fucking bird dude, it has nothing to do with the fucking, you know.


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[Assistant] You measure on the cellphone. I always measure my dick with the cellphone.


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[Assistant] You can't get an exact flaccid reading. That's a nightmare. That's tough. You're checking. You're clocking in at two inches sometimes. It's a tough stat. You're clocking in at... Yea, you're clocking. You're clocking. That's a tiniest dude. You're clocking at a micro bird dude.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'll get out of the shower and have to cover my penis. For sure. And girls hate that.


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[Assistant] Oh man. This is what I wanted to fucking hit you with. Hit me, man. I got a fucking dossier slid to me.


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[Assistant] We got a new pedophile that needs brought to justice. David Blaine.


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[Assistant] But, I don't wanna slander the man cause he, this is, you know, it's just a theory. But, look who he rolls with.


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[Assistant] He rolled with some, I think he was on Epstein's... Stop. I think he was on the list. I think he rolled with Epstein and Bill Clinton.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but also, he used to be in a squad known as the Pussy Posse.


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[Assistant] Those four were friends and called themselves the Pussy Posse.


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[Assistant] Now that's, that's not incriminating. That's, that's a weird thing. That they call themselves the Pussy Posse and it was those four. Pretty fucking young.


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[Assistant] And Leo and David Blaine. And they call themselves the Pussy Posse.


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[Assistant] If you're listening to this and you know who Birdman is, just know that he is everything you want him to be. Fuck man. He is the fucking man. Anyway.


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[Assistant] Also, fuck, you won't think it's funny because you don't know him. There's a guy named Brian Scalabrini. Scalabrini was like this white Boston player. And this was in Providence so it was all these Celtics fans and they were like chanting to get Scalabrini in. He just came in and he's like an old shitty white guy. He was just falling all over the place and they subbed him out. He was in for like 30 seconds.


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[Assistant] One more on David Blaine. Damn, D.E. Blaine. One time, Michael Jackson won, like, a lifetime achievement award. Yea. In his entire speech. David Blaine made it disappear. He literally, he literally, yea, up a kid's ass. He literally went on stage and was like,


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[Assistant] I'm not chillin' on that. I'm not ever chillin' on that. Keep it to yourself, you weirdo.


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[Assistant] Did you bring up the girls that get raped are mature naturals?


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[Assistant] Well, that's what I said. I was like, oh, this is great. Matt says, uh, the judge is like my dad. And the guy was like, that guy's like the biggest piece of shit in the whole thing. No, he's the man, dude.


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[Assistant] Evil took over the world and it's like wow dude. Before the 1600's things were great.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they're like, uh, there were Native Americans that, uh, they, the,


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[Assistant] Women hunted and the men stayed home and farmed. It was like, oh so they had gender roles?


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[Assistant] It's like, oh, I wonder why that happened. Why do you think that happened? Oh, because physically that's how that works.


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[Assistant] It wasn't like hunting was more fun, so the guys got to do it. It was terrifying, dude. Chasing a wild boar. Fighting a fucking saber-toothed tiger. With a fucking stick.


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[Assistant] I mean they do always have that. Oh, every single time. No matter what, it can be that.


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[Assistant] Soda has a bit like that. Really? He's like in the future with like this dystopian fucking, like where we're struggling to get like fresh water cause of global warming and all that. And like, grandpa, what did you, like what was it like? And he's like, well we were just, we were kind of arguing over like pronouns.


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[Assistant] I checked, I checked a chicks privilege last night. Did you really? You would have loved it. It was good.


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[Assistant] I mean, I was just kinda mean to this lady. Uh, I had a couple drinks. I was feeling myself at this party. And uh, it was a comedy show.


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[Assistant] Yeah, walking around just like, who the fuck are you? That's literally what happened, so.


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[Assistant] I walk up to this, my friend, uh, Ryan Donio, he's a comic, he's a man, I'm talking to him, he was talking to her, so I approached their conversation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was like, right away, like, ugh. Like, kinda like that. Yeah. So I was instantly just like, whew. Here we go. I don't know, I was like, who are you? Like that. But, uh, she said something of, like, where are you from? Yeah.


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[Assistant] I said, where are you from? And she was like, cause you know, everybody's from a different city.


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[Assistant] She's a comic, so I was like, where are you from? And she was like, originally, or where did I move from? And I was like, uh, where are you from? And she was like, uh, I'm from Lebanon? And I was like, oh, you're from Lebanon? That's fucking sick. And she was like, it's pronounced Lebanon. And I was like, no, it's Lebanon.