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[Assistant] Yeah. So yeah. So, but I mean, you know, I'm impressed with the history major stuff. I imagine by college, like what you're getting taught is a lot more, you know, was a lot deeper and a lot more thorough than like, you know, my kid comes home and I'm sort of wondering.


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[Assistant] You know, cause, you know, I mean, it's, I can understand it years and years and you know, and I'm sure rage just feels the same way years and years of being taught one thing.


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[Assistant] And then, you know, a few years later, you know, Vietnam wasn't a good thing. You know, when I was in school, Vietnam was still going on. When I was literally in second grade, they came in and went, hey, today Vietnam ended. And I was like, huh? And I remember writing it on the board, Vietnam, and then going, well, that's over now. And I was like, wow.


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[Assistant] That's been going on almost my entire life. So it's like, I can't imagine, you know, look how many years it took for people just to be like, okay, we shouldn't have been there.


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[Assistant] Got it. Don't even worry about it. Wait, Shane froze. His picture's gone.


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[Assistant] That's what, that's what essentially, that's what essentially the original rock rap thing was Aerosmith with Run DMC when Rick Rubin did that. Shortly after, it was right about the same time that Chili Peppers are coming out. Remember the Chili Peppers at the time, there wasn't really anybody that was doing that kind of shit.


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[Assistant] Well, I think here's the thing. I blame rage for body count because I think that iced tea saw rage and said,


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[Assistant] That's what I want to do. And I never thought that they, it never felt real to me. It always felt like...


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[Assistant] Somebody saw what the power of rock and roll versus having like a DJ behind you. The power of having like a rock band behind you and spinning. You know what I mean? And so that's it. I just never, I never really got


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that band body. Adam, Adam, while we


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[Assistant] Absolutely. And the one thing I have a question with SNL, cause I always think of it as like a show where people do a lot of like characters and a lot of impersonations and stuff. You coming on as a standup comedian, cause it's the always thing that always blew my mind is most people, I always go like, so did you walk in and go like, I have like this trope?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of stuff, because I know from what I know from you now, it's, you know, it's stand up. You're a solid, you know, rock solid stand up.


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[Assistant] My whole family is involved, my east coast, my mom's side of the family. So, Morty, are you still dating that girl? Oh.


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[Assistant] Yeah, and I was just like, yeah, I have a shot now when I talk to people and I hear it and I just go, you're either Philly or you're Bulmer. I don't know which one nobody says.


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[Assistant] I don't, I don't know. He yelled a lot. I can't tell you which one he did. I don't think it was this one yet. It was probably killing in the name. Cause there are a couple of those that were on there. Remember their demo that they put out some of the shit that's on this album came exactly from that demo, like untouched from that 12 song demo. Like they moved them directly over to it. So like they were pretty fully formed.


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[Assistant] I think by the time people, anybody heard them play outside of the rehearsal room, you pretty much got this.


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[Assistant] Absolutely. I mean, with Peltier, besides Peltier, you know, when he, when they would play this live, Zach would change the end to freedom for Mumia, Mumia Abu Jamal, who was an activist journalist, former death row inmate who had a case very much like Leonard Peltier's.


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[Assistant] Did he die or is he, did he get released? Uh, no, I think, uh, I, I don't remember. No, I think Moomi is still in jail if I'm not mistaken. And it's another one of these things where these are people, this isn't just like they probably didn't do it or there's like pretty conclusive, like Peltier's, the whole thing was like the only person they got to testify against him.


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[Assistant] was like a little nuts and recanted and they found all these, you know, they found all this stuff in it. And it's even to this moment, people we see on the news when you watch now, there's people that are like,


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[Assistant] You know, you're in jail and they're like, oh no, they found out they didn't do it. And a judge will still say no. And you're like, how the fuck?


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[Assistant] Take my suggestion, don't do it, don't do it trying to match exotic dancers line for line.


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[Assistant] Oh, we got a whole bunch. Okay, so the cover of the album. So those, I saw this for the first time because I, you know, like I said, I heard it, I was at like a store on Sunset and I saw the cover of this album and this is a very striking cover for those that don't know. It's this Pulitzer Prize winning photo of the Vietnam, Vietnamese


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's a striking, what they cut out is they cut out the gas can right next to him.


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[Assistant] It's, yeah, it's a, it's a incredibly striking album cover when you see it, you know, and it's, and it's uncompromising. I mean, you're watching a dude killing themselves on the cover. I mean, that's what you're literally looking at. And the dude, I


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so here's another one. At the Philly concert, you'll like this one. At the Philadelphia concert, you know, Lollapalooza was a tour before it was just the two big ones. At the Philly concert in 93 as a protest against censorship organization, the Parents Music Resource Center, which you guys tipper bore at the time before he was the president, you know, his wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before he was vice president, I'm sorry, Al Gore, his wife started this, this parent music resource center that they, so then to protest it, the band goes on stage and each one of them has a different letter on their chest, PMRC, and they're absolutely naked.


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[Assistant] But it also covered for the fact that Zach had blown his voice out and wasn't going to be able to sing.


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[Assistant] So it ended up doing two, it ended up doing like a really great cover of like, you know what we're going to do tonight because you can't sing, we're going to go on stage naked and we're going to protest this movement. People are like, it got them more headlines doing that than if they had just performed their set.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. By the way, the episode SNL you were talking about, as Adam pointed out, was Steve Forbes.


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[Assistant] He was on, and so they were like, which is like the worst team up ever of an anti-capitalist band.


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[Assistant] Who's railing against that ideology with like the king of the capitalists at that moment who's moving into power. And so yea, Tim I think ripped up an American flag and threw it at like Forbes and his entourage and they did their thing upside down. They had the flag upside down and the stagehand ripped it off before they went on.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we gotta, yeah, we gotta, real quick ones. First of all, did you guys know that Brad played, Brad Wilk, the drummer, he actually, uh, he was in a band called Bad Radio with a pre-Pearl Jam Eddie Vedder. And he actually auditioned, besides auditioning for Lock Up with Tom Morello, which is where he sort of came into, into, into that world, he actually auditioned for Pearl Jam.


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[Assistant] Also, prior to that and he didn't get either of them, so it's kind of interesting that he was already in that world. Yeah, right?


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[Assistant] So okay, another machine they reportedly raged against. Uh, this, this could be apocryphal, but I read this, so maybe it's true. They had a 79 Chevrolet tour van that was constantly breaking down and it was jeopardizing them getting to gigs or early careers. When they finally could afford something nicer, they took sledgehammers and beat the shit out of it. So I thought that was- It's kind of sad, man. I feel bad.


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[Assistant] They probably buried it and like did like some kind of Norse wedding, you know, thing and they recycled it. Now it's came back.


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[Assistant] There you go. Alright, what's the last one, dude? Here's the last one, which is uh, interesting. They've been eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame since 2017.


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[Assistant] I think even one of the years they weren't even put up for the, you know, put up to maybe win. But once again, this year they haven't been there. So an unlikely, I guess maybe an unlikely supporter is Gene Simmons, who himself, Kiss had been held out from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Decades. So he just, he posted a tweet recently when they didn't get the last one and said that their omission, because of the omission, the hall should be ashamed of itself.


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[Assistant] Which I think is, you know, pretty heavy for somebody like that to come out for you.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was us and Shepard Fairey. We saw the last, yeah, the last Andy Gill.


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[Assistant] Show before him, he's recently passed away in the last year, year and a half guitar player, but yeah, you got a photo with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a young guy. This is the beginning of your career. This isn't like Andrew Dice Clay after he had already established and came on and then they cancel whatever you call it, you know, or any of these guys or Louis CK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, you know, have had it. I mean, there's no denying his career up until that point. You're like right at the beginning, like your name is synonymous. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I need you to know that I'm into this today and then tomorrow back, back out of telling our terrible-


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, it's very, I think we live in a time period. And by the way, I'm not, I'm not at all saying that I think any other time was better.


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[Assistant] Because I think any other time, the buried stuff was the stuff that the people that were like, when you're in the shit, it doesn't matter what the people up here are posting on social media. You know, now the people, but now everybody knows it's shit and it just decides on whether or not you want to pretend like the shit's not there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you could live where you live and not see what was really going on in the city because it just wasn't projected.


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[Assistant] Now everyone's got a camera. They're showing you exactly what is happening everywhere at the same time.


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[Assistant] So it's just your choice of whether or not you want to admit you're seeing it and whether you want to, I guess the ally ship or whatever they want to call it. And it's, it is, as you said, it's very difficult even to pick a cause without somebody telling you, you picked the wrong cause when you're for something great. I mean, honestly, when you're like, I'm really, today I want to talk about how.


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[Assistant] You know, and then they go, yeah, but what about, and you go, whoa, whoa, I don't know. I'm not putting anyone else down.


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[Assistant] I just want to make sure you understand where I stand on everything.


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[Assistant] So it's even like dating apps. Now you have to like literally put your five things that you're also for.


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[Assistant] I'm half Israeli. It's difficult to pick anything to even say remotely, because now you've got Jewish people saying to you,


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[Assistant] You're the wrong, you're the wrong, you're a bad Jew because you're not sticking up for Israel.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm sorry to me to cut you off. That's impressive to me that you said that because that's something people are afraid to say today. You're afraid to act like you don't know.


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[Assistant] I don't, listen, this sounds horrible. I'm afraid to say I don't know because I'm afraid you'll think I'm stupid, so I have to take a position.


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[Assistant] Yeah. Well, that's, I mean, that is, and I'm glad you pointed that out, that, you know, it's very difficult nowadays to even say anything bad about America without seeming like, you know, you're on the other side of a coin. Like, like we're allowed to say things aren't always great. And as you said, yeah, it's actually pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next record is The Doors, L.A. Woman, and then The Compilation, Substance by New Order, and then Smashing Pumpkins. And then right before it, we did Johnny Cash, uh, The American Recording, is uh, first Rick Rubin one, from right around the same time of a couple years later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you ever remember Netflix actually sending out discs?


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[Assistant] Ever. I talked about that the other day to somebody and I said, this generation will never ever understand pain for porn ever.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like, like, like actual, like call them on the phone and be like, how are the kids?


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[Assistant] That's, that's a, that's a different trip when you get a certain age and you realize that those people are like, used to be used to the play. First of all, you don't even know what playboy is, but it used to be, you look at a playboy magazine. I'm kidding. I'm saying you look at a playboy magazine and be like, how old? 1961. She's born 1958. Then it started getting closer to your age. Oh shit. Okay. 19.


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[Assistant] 59, 61, 7, then it would pass you and you were like, oh my God, I'm older. I'm older than playmates. And now it's like.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, but it's crazy. No, but it's crazy when I think now, when I just meet kids at like gigs, like legal gigs, like I'm DJing and I meet somebody and I go, when were you born? You know, and I, and they're 21, Norma. And I go, I go, what?


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[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. You're born the year I graduated high school. Like you, you're born the year I turned 18.


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[Assistant] No, I said December 87, I was already out of high school. Like I was about, I had just turned 19. Like when you were born.


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[Assistant] You know what? I've seen, I've seen, I've seen, I've seen the alternates or whatever. I realized that I was going long game, but I was also like, dude's my age when I, dude, like my grandpa, dude, you look, you ever look at your grandparents and go, there's no fucking way that they were my age in that picture.


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[Assistant] But like I was like, yeah, when I was like, look at my, I look at him and I go, Oh my God, Oh my God.


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[Assistant] Like I'm an old dad, you know, like Adam over there, like your kid's two years old, my kid's 10 and I look at it and I was like, I got friends with grandkids. You know, I had friends that looked horrible.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Josh and I talked about this before. I'm like, listen, in the, in context, I would be destroyed for just stuff that I talked to my friends about in, and I obviously, I understand the difference between projecting that publicly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also doing it, but I think podcasts and if I'm not mistaken, podcasts are just, we get so comfortable.


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[Assistant] We have a conversation and we sort of forget because we don't have an audience. In an audience, you, you know, immediately when you said something that puts people like as a musician, I'm on stage. If I say something that people don't agree with, they're not shrinking violence about letting me know that at that moment.


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[Assistant] But here you have no idea what the person listening right now. So you out there listening, TJ, you know, you're making up your mind about something and I don't know what kind of day you had.


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[Assistant] You know, so I don't know what you have going on in your head. So I think we just get really comfortable. That's the hard part. How can you be truthful? Because I think comedy is the absolute, I grew up, I'm not a comedian. I grew up, my daughter's, her middle name's Carlin. I grew up with the utmost respect for comedy. It is as important to me as music.


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[Assistant] Up there, but comedy even more so because comedy is absolute truth. Even in its most exaggerated form, it's exaggerating truth. It is the most honest thing. Music can be full of shit. Creed is music. You know, I don't believe that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, so comedy is absolute truth and with something that is that honest and that truthful, if you are going to be that honest and that truthful,


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[Assistant] You know, you, I mean, there's no way around it. Lenny Bruce, I mean, I hate to use Lenny Bruce because people don't know who he is and they only know of him now, but somebody that was that honest about what they were doing and trying to get to a germ, a germ of truth.


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[Assistant] You are going to get the slings and arrows. You know, you are going to get, I'm not saying what you did or whatever.


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[Assistant] No, I mean, you live and you learn. I mean, like you said, you're a young guy. This is one of those things where when whatever, we'll know when you're my age or whatever, you know, 20 years down the line.


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[Assistant] Where things go and then that's a whole new world, you know, but it's interesting to talk to somebody because you rarely get to talk to anybody about this in the climate that we're in because there's the other side of it, which is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, not saying, you know, you're, you're with your own admission of what you consider what happened or what it was in the first place. I'm like, you know, you don't get to talk to people that were, that have been in this position because usually they're so huge.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, you're, you're like an early person getting Saturday Night Live. Anybody that is, you know, they don't take people down usually. I'm the only, I think I'm the only one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they would usually take people down in the beginning. They're waiting till they're built. I mean, not that Bill Cosby is terrible, but I'm sure they're waiting till Louis CK where there's 20 years of people going, oh yeah, we knew he did this. Even the females that were like, yeah, he used to jump out of the room and do this thing. Nobody said it. Nobody acted weird. And then it hit that wall. And now you're like,


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[Assistant] Everything he ever did and with you it was like the first time I heard your name it was connected to that.


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[Assistant] I really appreciate, yeaah, I really appreciate your honesty about that because it takes, I'm saying it takes a lot to really be able to say that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have one, one, one last question. This is, this is interesting to me is, was there anywhere in you where you were a little relieved because of what Saturday night, like what your life would have been at Saturday Night Live? Cause you seem like sort of you're a young guy and you're coming up and you're still relatively new. What are you 10, 11 years in? 12 years in?


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[Assistant] I'm like, you're about 10 years in and you're the thrust of that pressure. Cause I hear from people, we've had guests, we've had people that have been on the show and we've had, you know, and I've known people myself. I'm like the amount of pressure on a young person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I'm saying is you guys, no, you guys, you, I mean, the way Josh, you know, you're a comedian, the funny comedian friend of Josh's and we knew the conversation would be there anyway. I'm glad I found out you were a history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I hate to say it, you're a product of this moment in time. There's not a lot of other people that can say like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were around, not only around, you have an actual first-hand.


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[Assistant] When somebody cuts me off, I have no idea who the person is. I have no idea their race, their gender, who they voted for. Some shit that comes out of my mouth is the most despicable, deplorable, horrible stuff at that moment. And then right afterwards I'm like, Jesus Christ. Imagine if that, imagine if I turn over and then there's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's where it's coming. That's where it's going to. Where it just becomes, when we're all canceled, nobody's canceled. I mean, I know that once everybody has been canceled, there will be no cancel culture because it'll have to be the one person. It's the eye of the beholder.


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[Assistant] Well, I'm the first to admit it, I don't, like, I understand, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we don't have to dig real deep to find people being horrible, which is normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's a difficult thing also, it's hard, you can't be, and this is, now let me rephrase this in a way that does not sound out of context for what this is. As white dudes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight white dudes, whatever. We need to shut the fuck up because we just don't, we don't have the option right now of ever standing. No, I'm saying we don't ever have the option of standing in any place where you can't find more of us being terrible than anyone else.


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[Assistant] Like we are like, we are the, we're the, we are the, we're the, like the hard, like we are the top echelon of the beat.


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[Assistant] No, we are, but we also have to be, but in the same way, we also have to be who we are. No, I'm saying is we also have to be who we are. You're comedians. I'm a musician. We're still writing. We're still existing. We can't go die because people don't like it.


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[Assistant] My parents are still bitched off about Egypt. There were no Jews in Egypt!


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[Assistant] I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying we're, we get treated like a monolith in this situation where we shouldn't treat other people like monoliths. And that's the same thing. The individual, all three of us are from absolutely different backgrounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Less of a good place for us to be in, for us to just say, you know what pisses me off? And people go, we do.


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[Assistant] You know, like, I don't want to hear what piss you off, I want to hear what pisses somebody that hasn't had that opportunity. So it's very, and I'm, and I'm, by the way, none of what I'm saying is saying- What are we, fucking vampires? Who was there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of those dudes on the boat. You know, I'm like, oh, they were under the boat. I get it. You know, like that's where they were.


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[Assistant] I was exaggerating. I was exaggerating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the point I was making was it's very, I understand it's very difficult to be at a place right now as an individual and still be a representative of a monolith, even if you don't want to, because the other way around is something that people are very upset by.


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[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like they don't ever want to be any block of anybody. Don't want to, women don't want to be treated like women and all women.


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[Assistant] Or all black people, all white people. But white people now, I mean, we're just, we're taking the licks of the pendulum swinging. And unfortunately, I think Trump, not to get political in this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think when we go to the Trump thing, that's the pendulum already swinging back of them already going like, we didn't like four years of it.


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[Assistant] Forget 400 years. We didn't even like four years of that. Like we know what it's like now a little bit and we're so totally against that already.


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[Assistant] That we're gonna fight back now to prove that we don't like it. So anyway, that, that, by the way, that's all me. I could give a fuck. Cause you're not gonna not go see me do my set at, you know, the comedy store tonight. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm just a musician guy talking out of my ass, but you know, rage against the machine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we just gave the guy a shout out. What's his, what's his name?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's it. It's great. By the way, did you ever see, that's in the Woody Allen film. He has that, doesn't he have that on his wall in, uh, I forgot what movie it is, but he's got that entire thing of the guy getting shot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, um, DJ Morty Coyle on Twitter, check out B and Daddy Cartoons, me and my daughter singing, my daughter and, yeah, me and my daughter. I'm so used to correcting people. It's great by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, it's, it's a lot of fun. Uh, what was I going to say? Fokker Force 5 on Facebook Live every Tuesday. We play for you guys who are still at home, who are being smart and respectful and we will be playing all the way through. Uh, I want to give a shout out to Fleece Army member Shannon Hurley, who's also the number girl on All Time Top 10, a great podcast I just did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, let's see, what else? Uh, that's it. I think we're going to, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, yeah, next week we have the next one. You were talking about maybe doing a little bit of a shift. We're going to try out some new things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what we may do from now on is we're going to still give you guys a music podcast. We might, you know, we might make it so that the conversations take over and we'll still talk about the best songs on the album and probably the songs that we were blown away that were actually on the album that maybe people don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But we just want to make sure it's a tight show and you guys are enjoying the conversations and learning a lot about the guests and learning how we all relate to this because we realize how important music is to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, how, how important this is. It's not like almost anything else. You don't walk around listening to a movie while you're jogging. You know, you don't play a movie at your dad's funeral or like, you know, my daughter's born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say, for all the Fleece Army listening, for you guys, so this is one moment of tenderness and what this is. Never forget this because this is what drew me into the show. I wasn't on right from the beginning. This show, the entire impetus of this show was that, and this is real, was that Josh, Josh's friend


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was his road dog, his, his, his best friend. Angela Bowers. Was Angela Bowers was, was, you know, a big music fan. I met them at the gig. We're talking about the Rage Against the Machine. I met them both at the Kivitz Room together and we used to talk a little bit and I'm sad I never got to know Angelo any better. And then I had to know Josh Moore, but I was, uh, I was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I met him and then I didn't see Josh for a while. And when I, when he showed up again, he was like, we got, you know, Angelo got killed. We were in a drunk driving accident and I was driving and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he loved music and he said you should basically open yourself up to more music. So just so you guys know listening, the entire impetus of this show comes from basically all love.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so you guys know out there, when you, whatever, however you feel about this show, or whatever you're taking from this, know that the entire, the entire start of this show, the entire point of this show, of Weekly, the grind of it, is that


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[Assistant] Opening us up, we're not supposed to know everything, even me who, you know, Josh is doing his best to sort of hold on, but it all comes from a place of love and a place of, of, of honoring another music fan who is his best friend. So never think for a second that what we thought


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[Assistant] We have the balls to try to do is to be authorities.


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[Assistant] On rage or on this or on that. We're not, we are absolutely like you. We listen to music and then we talk about it and we get into it. And sometimes we don't get into it and we get into not getting into it.


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[Assistant] Talk about what it meant to you, because we have guys out there, I mean, guys in the, you know, in the, in the non-whatever. No, I'm saying in the non-gender form and saying we have people out there. Yeah, we don't believe in gender here.


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[Assistant] Music fans, and we love the idea that in this course, however, 130 hundred, however many records we've done, we've learned, even me who thinks of myself as


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, an aficionado of music have blown my mind of what I've been turned onto. We heard the sounds of Soweto.


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[Assistant] Whatever, however the show progresses in general from here on out or wherever, just know that the heart of the show is that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're trying to bring you maybe something you haven't heard before and if you have heard it, we're trying to bring you something that makes you get back in touch.


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[Assistant] With that feeling you had when you heard it for the first time. We're not always going to find guests who were fortunate to have been at an age where things click because like the next record is from like 71 and I'm the only person in the room that's alive.


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[Assistant] But we understand that. So you guys have to understand we do our best. The bookers, everybody that brings people on here, it all comes from a place of love. It's always honoring Angelo's name and, and bringing to this show.


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[Assistant] What was important about music from the beginning. We hope to be able to do it forever and we hope that you guys can tell your friends about it. Honestly, to tell your friends about it.


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[Assistant] It's always coming from a place of love. Just so you guys know that. It's always coming from trying to find, find that understanding. Yeaah. Very well said, Mordik. Very, very well said.


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[Assistant] I love you too. You're usually like, do we do that? And then I go, now what, now what are you trying to push? I have a bath bomb coming out.


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[Assistant] He's probably. I bet he hasn't. I bet he hasn't.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Andrew said he's coming in with him right now. Really?


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[Assistant] I feel like psychologically, you're doing a couple things. I feel like psychologically, like he went and said, do you think I have CTE football for, you know, 17 years fighting for eight? And the doctor goes, a hundred percent. You have a hundred percent CTE. He goes, what do I do? He goes, uh, basically take a lot of fish oil and that's all we know. He's like, cool. So then, then, but I think nicotine is good for your brain.


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[Assistant] I mean, the Jeopardy host had to step down because he literally, like 10 years ago on a podcast, called a girl a booth hoe and a booth slut. And all he was saying was, oh, you were a booth hoe. Like he was just saying, when you're at a convention center, you're in the booth. And he just kind of said that. And then, then I guess he fat shamed or he said something problematic about somebody.


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[Assistant] It's almost like, like, like, so, so you'll see some people who can write a really good song and there are tricks and hooks and rhymes to it and it's real commercial.


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[Assistant] How to be relevant and how to stay. Yeah. And I have trouble with that. It's exhausting.


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[Assistant] Some of them ask you fake questions to, to, right? You ever had that where they go, uh, give us some lead in questions so that you can do some bits? Nightmare. Nightmare.


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[Assistant] Pushed him out there, you know, and he was like, and, and he did like, you did a couple of breathing exercises. I think you learned from Navy Seals. And then you just go out there and did really well. And then I remember I was like, I shouldn't have done that to you. You know, I shouldn't have, that's a fucking big thing because if you've never done that, that's, that's a disaster. That's terrible. So he did great. And.


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[Assistant] Now, now I don't know if you know this, but I'm going to do Denver coming up here and you got to be vaccinated or show your proof of a negative COVID test. That's the first time I've.


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[Assistant] She's on her phone. She's TikTok.


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[Assistant] I was like, why is he strapped to the ground? And they go, well when he comes to, he'll come to periodically when he wakes up, he tries to fight us because he bruised the front of his brain. Oh no.


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[Assistant] You know, it was like Ronnie Lott. I was watching this thing on Ronnie Lott. Ronnie Lott would knock himself out. Ronnie Lott would fucking hit you and go out. Like he would just throw himself at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have children, you, you hope against hope that maybe your kids are going to be, I don't know, something physically special, right? Now I'm me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got boys and, uh, and so I'm in Utah and there is an Olympic gold medal swimmer, sprinter. I can't remember her name. She's pretty well known. Swimmer? She's a swimmer and she does, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both of them are just a couple of like, you see them and you go, well, you look different, right? So my kids, I was it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's just all legs and ass and just muscular as fuck. And I'm like, he was like a, like a downhill, like that they're big, they're always strong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Either way, I fucking, uh, I play tag with my, I'm it, and it's my kids and, and they're


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[Assistant] The kid looks like he does neck exercises, like he's got high calves, he's got a neck. When he was four years old, when he was four years old, we used to go to this, our friend owns a parkour gym. So Tiger would be four years old.


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[Assistant] It's so horrifying, like jumped what looks like 50 feet and lands on a small disc like that. And if you fall, you, you're fucked.


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[Assistant] This stupid fucking thing that my son has and I'm, I'm in, I'm in this house and you know my, my old house with the cement floors and stuff and the, the ball gets, hits the net and it rolls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, when you were doing your special, did you, were you ner- did you find yourself kind of nervous about dan- do you feel like you have to dance around subjects or-


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[Assistant] Well, there's also like, uh, in schools, all these kids are being challenged with new narratives. It's not how we grew up where you learn U.S. history. It's really tricky now for them to teach because what happens is, as a teacher, I just got into this yesterday, as a teacher, you're teaching elementary school. If you're going to teach U.S. history,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And not 1619. You will have student, you'll have parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who go, wait, you know, and they can be white or whatever, they have their liberal point of view and it becomes a debate and it's really tricky for the teacher to have to deal with. So now the teacher teaches that you teach about being a global citizen and being racism.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so young people now, he's actually, I'm sorry, he's in fourth. Young people now are, are, I mean, are being educated. It's just different. And social media is setting a different standard. They're just, public shaming is a real thing. And it's keeping people, there's, people are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and call in culture, which is the idea of I'll call you out in front of everybody, or I might call you in first for a private. This is happening in schools. So now some student says, you didn't recognize my identity or whatever it might be, and you're being called in. So now that kid calls you in with the teacher.


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[Assistant] Anti-racism versus not being racist is a very strong, yes, it's a very strong political point of view. And what was interesting was I was the only one to voice it and I could tell some parents were into it, other parents got super tired. And nobody wants to say that.


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[Assistant] Well, there are two things that can happen. One is it becomes, it's hard on the teacher. It's hard on the teacher cause they're being pushed, they're being pulled on one and everybody's having an argument. So now how do we teach? Right? How do we teach? What is the standard? What's the truth? I'm all for teaching true American history. Okay. Not whitewashed, but these are kids.


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[Assistant] There is a lot of talk in a lot of schools about capitalism.


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[Assistant] And you hear this all the time, that is the narrative on that side of the equation.


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[Assistant] So you gotta know when people like cloak something that they're teaching in, we're just trying to all get along and you go, that's not what's going on. You're teaching a strong political agenda here.


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[Assistant] Therefore it favors only whites. And so that may, there may be a debate, there may be a conversation to be had there.


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[Assistant] You better have done your homework and you better have read the people you're disagreeing with. Luckily I have.


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[Assistant] He's at a bar and he's dating a girl. They have a fight. They kind of break up. They're not dating that, you know. And she goes...


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[Assistant] Just right there at the bar. She's leaving. Nope. They're talking. You know, she goes whack. Open hand.


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[Assistant] Whack, so she comes this way, comes back, and then goes to smack him again. So he goes, boom, really hard, knuckles, and then as the button thing comes, he just goes like this, he goes, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they can, they do have you by the balls a little bit. Cause if it's crowded, you just want to get a drink for you and your girl.


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[Assistant] I'm the guy who asks for a Pilsner and if they say Corona or Stella, I go, it's okay. I want, I want the Desider Pilsner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nowadays, by the way, you know, mental disorders are, are big business. I mean, your kid has anything and you can send them to five different experts. If you have the money, if you want, you could surround your child with 15 different people.


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[Assistant] Artie Lang, Artie Lang told me a story about him where, uhm, he said, uh, he gets a call, this is like 98 or something, you know, and he goes, hey, what are you doing? Artie goes, I don't know, he goes, I'm gonna come over and show you something. And so Artie's like, alright, so.


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[Assistant] Who was that kid, who was that guy, there was this show where they were talking about, he was kind of not a good NBA player, white dude. He was not good. I mean, he was, they were always talking about, but he played for like nine, 10 years or whatever. And they're all talking about how much he sucked. And he goes, here's the thing.


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[Assistant] No, but I was saying, just try touching, try hitting, putting your glove on a guy who can actually box. Who knows how to move out of the way.


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[Assistant] But Rogan used to say that about, he and I went to a club one time and there were these alt comics and all due respect, there are some really funny alt comics, but these guys were, it was when it first came, started coming out where they were doing like that esoteric stuff. Yeah, real meta.


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[Assistant] And Rogan was like this, Rogan was watching this guy, you know, Rogan, he's just like, this is fucking death. And so, uh, when he was younger, he was like, like, whatever you think is aggro, double it. Like he just did not give a fuck.


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[Assistant] Who can get away with shit though? You know who can get away with shit? Like who would just do weird shit with uh, Nick uh, Schwartzen? Nick, even when he was young, super young, like that's like, you know the ham sandwich thing? Nick one time, me and my uncle watching Nick and Nick is doing standup and it's not, he's trying weird shit and it's at the comic strip in New York and this is like fucking 2000 or earlier or whatever.


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[Assistant] So now Austin's gonna open Cap Cities, Rogan has a place, Crick in the Cave, there's a lot of venues now.


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[Assistant] Most people are not comfortable and shouldn't be with the idea that you said something in passing in a certain context, like in a conversation and your whole life should not be.


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[Assistant] Right, and the other thing that's really important to realize is that when you do cancel somebody, like when they do that to you, you're not making the world more equitable. You're actually not doing anything. It's not as though now you're making the world more fair and more equal. You're just...


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[Assistant] Well that tattoo job, I mean that, the whole thing was very good.


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[Assistant] And somebody said, somebody made a mistake saying, you know, The Beatles performed on this stage.


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[Assistant] That got me, and I went, and then I saw...


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[Assistant] Hit the camera there, then turn and do this one if you can, and then you're like...


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[Assistant] I was an actor and I, and I didn't even have, I had reverence for actors. Yeah, I never had any reverence for comics.


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[Assistant] I just didn't, to me it was never the mystery that say acting was or writing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've had to follow literally everybody from Chris Rock to you, but I never obviously thought about it, but.


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[Assistant] The only time I ever mentioned anything was when I was doing Gotham. I was headlining Gotham and Seinfeld came in and asked me if he could, you know, to get up and do some stuff before me, like basically to treat, cause he was doing Letterman or something, I mean, or he was doing, uh, Leno.


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[Assistant] And I was like, of course, you know, of course. And he gets up and does this thing. And the only thing I said was after he got off, I, you know, they brought me on and all I said was, I was like,


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[Assistant] I don't know what to figure out in a moment. There's not much to it. There's not really much to it. I was teaching a class on comedy.


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[Assistant] Well a lot of it's like could've is like c-o-u-v-o-f instead of could have which is the apostrophe b. You hear a lot of that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adele's always like kinda, Adele's always kinda like moving around.


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[Assistant] You know, Jim, Jim's going through, Jim's, uh, wife, and he's talking about this, has cancer, right? So, and, and he used the word terminal. Uh, I hope she's doing well. I think she is. And I love Jim.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's actually athletic. He just, look at that. He just likes treats.


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[Assistant] I'll be in, uh, I'll be in, uh, where am I going to be buff? Oh no, Denver Comedy, Comedy Works, September 23rd, 24th, 25th, get your vaccination or at least get a COVID test apparently. Chicago, Illinois, The Improv, Schomburg Improv, I'll see you September 30th, October 1st, 2nd, and then Columbus, Ohio, Funny Bone, October 8th and 9th.


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[Assistant] How much time did you have to like observe it?


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[Assistant] What did you, what did you like, uh, gain? Like what did you feel from it? What did it?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I was just wondering if it was one of those things where it was like, uh, like a tragic couple of seconds where it was like, oh, I'm aware of myself, but then it feels like you spend an infinite amount of time just like taking yourself apart. You're like, oh no dude. And you just get locked up. That's a deep level.


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[Assistant] That's almost like giving someone a gift. Sending yourself somewhere on a big dose of mushrooms. That's a gift to whoever you're sending yourself to.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you vote for Trump and you love Morrissey. I guess it was kind of lined up, but. True. It's definitely different energies and they embrace both.


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[Assistant] They have the sickest, they have the sickest grandmother culture in the entire world.


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[Assistant] There's a day in your life where it's like, it's time for you to learn how to make tamales. True. And you base your entire life around that moment. Yes. I think that's everyone who has an appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Black grandmoms can be kind of bureaucratic. Like, it's very- True.


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[Assistant] That's terrifying, dude. I had one grandmother, uh, she's no longer with us. She, her house when I was a kid smelled...


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[Assistant] Like, I guess a different, there was two different kinds of old people house. I saw one where it was like, this is old, very old furniture, but it's been well maintained and clean. And then my other grandmother, you like, it didn't stink, but you could definitely, you had clues that someone smoked and owned a dog.


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[Assistant] Do you think, do you think it instantly got you pussy? Or did the dad have to like catch you on? The Model T you're talking about? Yeah, we're like, was there a chance that like you were kinda like a dickhead if you were getting a car in the beginning and then it had to catch on?


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[Assistant] That's a, no, that's a, that's a leap that it's uncomfortable to care about. Yeah, man. I, that's the kind of thing that you know every day, you just ignore it.


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[Assistant] It's like you fuckin' retards. It's crazy that it's not like...


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[Assistant] That's not right. What? Like there's no way to quantify that you have a soul stuck inside. But, so what I'm saying is that like,


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[Assistant] It's crazy that that's like the point of view that was like, oh, this is the real one. And the other guy was just like, is that right? Instead of like arguing like, nah, dude, that's not true. I don't have a soul stuck inside. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] I mean, this was normal like 60, 70 years ago.


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[Assistant] That's the least surprising thing ever. Shia LaBeouf? That's, yea, if, if anyone... True. I don't know anything about Shia LaBeouf except that's like the kind of person he is. That's the one thing I know about him. And people still like fuck him for like six months. You know what I mean? Yea, of course. Like you entered a relationship with that dude and then... Yeah, and it's like you stuck around for a while.


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[Assistant] I think that's only famous people. If you're, if you're abused by a famous person or it's obvious that they abuse people, that's the people where I'm like, yeah, but you stay, you know, it doesn't, that's not normal people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's uh, that's dangerous cause then you have to like, who, that's, who makes the decision. Then you have to plead your case. Like listen, I think this is above the threshold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you, I mean, just close your eyes for a second. You're in the, you're in the car and something bad happened and then he says it. What does it sound like he said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is exactly how, like, your older brother has this shit. And this is exactly how the condition his would be in. He probably came on them, that's probably all he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, this is, it's the type of dude that like, friends, older sisters are always dating when you're growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Friends, friends, older sisters date these types of dudes. Yeah. When you're a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This guy always.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They act like he like acts cool around kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's like, uh, you don't know this, but there are like different, uh, light bands on the spectrum that only human puppies can see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's dog whistling and human puppy lighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is the most confused I've heard you about race ever. Of all the wild shit that you've said jokingly. This is to me the most wild, uh, racial thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah, it's always dudes are, it's like, they don't look muscular, but they look strong. Yeaah. Like big, like uh, I don't know, like cow strength. Yeaah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, always very happy to see you, which is why you love him. And, uh, I don't know, some of them have like long fingernails. It's pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so funny to imagine everyone you've ever seen drive slow, lean back their whole time, they're just thinking about how uncomfortable it is and they hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be a bold move. I think if almost any, definitely you two, almost any grown man in my life, if they suddenly started leaning back in their car and be like, what are you doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're driving, dude. Be in an aggressive position. No obtuse. You need a strong face. I don't want you fucking in a neutral or weak position while you're driving. The cops pull you over, you're just going...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be cool to be known for all your funny boxers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I actually, you know, I would never even, I don't even think in those terms, you know what I mean? What? I don't, I don't. That's cool. The cool, not cool binary. No, that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like I, I understand the frenzy it causes in, in people and their secret hearts and I just, uh, you know, I'm above it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. You smell like stuff when you wear that. Like, you smell like either like, I don't know, boat gas? True. Or like, sunscreen and beer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a big move for dudes who were like all about motorcycles when like, uh, Orange County choppers and shit came out but never owned a motorcycle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they wore motorcycle t-shirts and shit, but never had a bike. That's who those dudes are now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they took a shortcut and that's where, that's the, that's like the pitfall. Like when you take the shortcut to just being the t-shirt motorcycle guy without like owning the bike or like ever riding one, you know what I mean? That's like the ultimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dude just identified something cool and attached himself to it. So you overshoot that and then you end up in dickhead territory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be, that'd be great, like, I don't know. I had, it's so stupid, I was just imagining cartoons. Like that's always like the classic, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're like the, they're like the good guy and the bad guy in like the cartoon that like have the opposite powers and they gotta show down. Really? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that's sick. They just power, they power up and it's over. Yea, it's over. That's authentic black anime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They jump people now, they're like, heh, good to see you again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like the after of, like, she stole my husband. Like, in the movie. This is just like a movie, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder what that conversation was like. It was probably, I mean, just so, so grim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, so my dad was, I was the opposite of that. My dad, uh, I was from the second wife and both just maniacs. Like as crazy as women get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not just like, we're a real bitch, like, absolutely. And like, it was back in the day, so it was like, they didn't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But people didn't care. They didn't have the internet. They were just like, uh, I actually, uh, I, I struggle, uh, with mental illness and like, yeah, you weren't on NPR for it back then. Yeah. You were just lit. Yeah. You were just popping off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, like he, he was the man dealing with the two crazy women instead of, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've advanced my CTE tonight. You think so? Definitely. I definitely have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only time a woman is scary because she has a vehicle. It's like neck fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is actually, this is what, this is controversial and you're not even supposed to say this, right? Because it's like, I'm not saying something racist, I'm saying something like against racism, but they still don't like it, but I think goombaroons come in every color. 100%. 100%. They hate it when you say that, but it's one of those things that's true anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so Beezus- It's when I wanna say the other ones, I just say this one. Beezus, you're gonna buy it or, uh, undercut us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck. That'd be weird if that was what happened. I mean, that'd be... Yea, that wouldn't be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not all white people, that's like the joke, right? That all white people, like, they check to see if you can say n-word with each other. Like, haha, that's very funny. That's not true, but there are definitely dudes who are, like, trying to see who's good with the n-word. Dude, I've had people on the show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And every, every time, the first time, uh, one of those dudes says the n-word to you, they, they kind of pause for a second. Almost like, it's not long, but they're like, they, they drop it and then, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, now it's funny because you definitely actually were convinced. You, you tried to pretend this was like getting your boy in trouble. I did though. No, I did. But you're like, I'll show you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's been too long since I was around actual racist dudes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you die and they upload you, the first thing you do is you create a character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And it's just like a person just like shuffling back and forth and you're just putting like bigger arms. I'm going light skinned Latino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should all do that. We should make a pact right now that when we die together and get uploaded, we're all gonna be, uh, light skinned Latinas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is still pretty good. That's fine. I understand that it's not my position to be the leader, but I'm here to do what's best for the group. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone once in a while someone chirps up and it's like, he doesn't do anything but you know that like he's done some shit that people don't chirp too hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. It's a mystery, dude. I mean, you're saying it like as a thing that I should know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, how'd you get this? Congratulations. Welcome. We're so happy to have you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And again, if no one ever hears this, that's pretty, that's pretty cool. This is for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. What do you think the feedback's gonna be like? People are gonna be pretty sick of my laugh, I think. I think people are gonna be pretty happy. Pretty gagly. People have been clamoring for it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty crazy. That's like a Psyop to name, like, very trendy translation education software after it. People forget about the important part.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, was he white or black? He's Egyptian. Oh, he's Egyptian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pyramids have always been, it's just for one guy to like, be the custodian of the pyramids and convince women to let him grab their asses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like even, even in ancient Egypt, they were already ancient. Like they weren't building, I don't even, that's just like, that's just the first time they wrote about them or whatever. But there's always just been like a Highlander guy that's like, yeah, the pyramids actually like, I know what they're about. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all roleplaying. You're the only one that's not role- you're an outsider. The rest of them are roleplaying. It's like a universe they've built where they're all like explorers. And you're just like, oh, you're reading a f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's alright that you told us, but your justification failed. You've been telling yourself this entire time. I've been justifying that my own mind. You're like, dude, it was so funny when I did that, right? As a bit, when I told them. It was like, we all laughed. Nah, dude, you're a bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's crumbling. You built too much of your identity around that lie you told yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure. When I was like a little kid though, I told it myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Told myself for watching porno at a sleepover one time when I was in like 5th grade. Really? Yea. Pretty fucking gay. No one like that. Told yourself? Yea yea yea, cause I was afraid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I didn't tell, I didn't tell myself. I, I warned everyone that we were gonna get in trouble. They were all like, dude, it's time to watch Softcore. And I was like, you guys, I think we're gonna get in a lot of trouble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That argument works for anything, by the way. No matter what you do, it's like, I mean... The human memory is super unreliable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to see this. What you're saying makes sense because when you, whenever you see like, uh, like Latinx and Egyptian, like mall kiosk guys, you know that they've adapted their entire life to that work personality. Yeah. Like they're always very like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it takes them years to master that. Fuck man. Their eyes are just pried open. Their heads are stuck. I mean they're seeing a whole different world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In what way were you, like what warped part way did you think you were killing it? Like dude I'm getting so much pussy right now. You know what I mean? Basically. Yea. Getting a lot of pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it, it felt good twice cause when the, when the dudes would like hug you for getting posted, you can congratulate you. You'd be like, dude, this is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so relaxed. Start calling her babe, you better know her, you slide down a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say, I would say that's how like, that's how into I was, that was like I just felt comfortable being soft.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're getting it on. Or he's probably like a captive or something. That sounds like something you would do to a captive. That would weird them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overburning would be a great gay porn company name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not gonna dab me in stream. Tonight? Oh, UFC, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just wondering if this is like the black guy of the thing where like, you know, where dudes see movies about Boston and they're like, damn, it would've been cool if I grew up in like, Southie. I was just wondering if black dudes were like, damn, it would've been cool if I grew up with the N word. Did that ever happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you got hit with one of those, did you feel like your hands were being held behind your back because you couldn't throw an n-word back at him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause it's like, uh, you know, it's not, I'm not initiating. I do it so often that it could not possibly be initiating. So it's just like, Hey, there's a little, how are you doing? Right? Excuse me. Excuse me. Like there's plenty of room to go around her, but you know what I mean? Yeah. So, but I like, I like the way ma comes out. So I might just be women for me. Like, sorry ma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yeah, dude, as long as it's, I don't know, I think a lot of like, married joking is just sexual assault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, right? Whoa, this is like when the racist white guy follows black news.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, so you're saying that this is a feature of every relationship and we just didn't, you know, fire people for it. That's what you're saying. Oh. Basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I would agree with you, I just think other people might- No, no, you're right though, there's ass grabbing after-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they specify genitals in the rules. Do they really? Yea. You also can't grab an individual finger. Do you know that? What happened? You can't grab an individual finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, that's in competition. Which like in a real fight, you could fight through a broken finger. True. Yeah. But in a competition, it's almost like, all right, well now the game's over because you fucking just easily snap someone's finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how they tell women that are getting raped to not poke them in the eyes because it'll just make them madder sometimes? That might just be rapists commenting on internet advice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That happens a lot. I have one dude at my gym. I have one dude at my gym and I could, I've never seen his penis but I guarantee I could draw it perfectly. Really? Yea. Always accidentally getting fucking tip on the suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I don't know, that was a weird amount of detail for a story that didn't need to be told. Yeah. Yeah dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He smiled at me, not quite sure how he felt about the encounter. Did he like it? Time would tell, but in the moment he was mostly confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that you, you got a masters degree and then turned it into the most stoner shit in the world. Pretty sick. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like one of the big questions. This is a big question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a lot of things that I assume you learned in college and that was one of them. I can't believe, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that is what cripples me. What? That concept of like, uh, I can't go like through any one experience without trying to insert it into like the infinite space of my entire life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's your real superpower, is, is, uh, digesting all that and then breaking it down in that way. That's like, I think that's where you're really explaining that kind of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like that's the kind of concept where people have to like memorize shit and then like stand behind a podium and say it. Diagram. Extremely high, but. You know what I mean? Like there's like some guy trying to explain that same concept at the same level, would be like nervously shuffling index cards behind a podium. Which brings us to figure just like point


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Married to a Freudian. Huh? You're married to a Freudian. That'd be funny, that guy who's driving is like, I got a Freudian wife. Freudians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's the labor people put themselves through now. It's like, it's like the empty calorie shit in their life. I've talked about this somewhere before, but like, people are just filling up their time with these like, uh, like projected feelings from the internet. And they're counting that as like, the labor of growing and living your life. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're just throwing it away, and you're not any better for it. Like I said, empty calories, dude. Do you have an example?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just, uh, people like finding shit, the retweet is what I mean. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He drove him insane. By the end, he was trying to get struck by lightning in the time travel. He was like, I'm gonna prove something again. Here we go. I don't know what the fuck he did. He was on Coke, he was on Coke, and... True, yeaah. Dude, he had his best years on Coke? Yeaah, dude. He had, he had like Adam John March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you remember when like a network would have like a good line up of shows when you were a kid and be like, dude, family's locked down for the entire night? Now you can have that every night of the week just with an algorithm catered to making you mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? There'd be like, there'd be like entire, there'd be like three and a half years where there wasn't a solid night of television on TV, and you'd be like, I watch a show here and there. But like, dude, a solid Thursday night, you'd be locked down from 6pm to 10pm. TGIF? Yeah, TGIF was pretty reliable. That was the king, obviously, of lineups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the people that would bother you about opinions. They know about the people who just don't like them and that's why they won't change. They know that they don't really hold those values, but the idea of changing into like what the good people are is so unappealing that they're not gonna go through the personal change. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't even think it's reverse racism, you just think it's racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if, what if your, your family had them and you don't like that they had them? That's what I think they do. But they act like they're trying to lump you. They're like, you're just like me, dude. We had them. We're white. We didn't have them. That's the thing. It's like you had them, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, are they just like, they would, they don't want to do what it takes to like differentiate themselves otherwise. They don't have to. They don't, they didn't do it. There's a, there's a hard campaign. Although I guess they do like any, any bonus, any like, uh, I don't want to say the P word. I'm not saying the P word here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any, any like advan-advantages they had growing up in life, you do have to attribute some of it to, you know, having human puppies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You changed my mind, dude. Now I don't like racism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they're learning to use their farming tools as weapons. That'd probably be awesome. First dude to just spin a rake around, like, cause he was bored. Someone had to invent spinning rakes around like they were ninja toys. Ninja weapons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I'm, my money is on not a soul ever hearing this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not because I didn't like it. I loved it. I just don't want anyone to have this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, we put the entire thing out, but we chop it up and put it in like scattered order. And then we let people get like their preferred listen to order, like the preferred cut. It's a good idea. Director's cut just has the N word in the beginning or final cut or whatever. All right. Thanks. We're done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a covert war going on against masculinity right now that the media and your mama don't want you to know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's open that, let's open that. No, no, no. I'm looking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if that song was written for Disney or it was a song that was pre-existing and then Disney, Walt Disney was like, I like that song. But whatever, whoever wrote that song is a magical songwriter. What a magical song that is. I think of fucking, well, what's that light bulb that flies around? The light bulb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm learning everything, it's not let there be blood, it's there will be blood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the difference? It's almost the same. It's thank you. Light bulb fairy. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So uhm, I don't know when it was, a year ago or two years, whatever, right? Uhm, there was some sort of uproar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Some rumblings. And uhm, I'm like, what the fuck is the rumblings about? You know what I mean? So you Google things, you know, because I have the internet. And then, you know, I saw a video of the rumbling, which is, some kid got passed on SNL, you know, which, by the way, you know how I feel about that show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll just say it now, I hate it. The reason why is because I was on MADtv for so long and we were always comparing to them and it's like in the industry, if they got off that show, right,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The industry just, you know what I mean, just sucked all their dicks and gave them everything. And then we had to wait back in line. So I had this like weird, you know what I mean, anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're like, I don't know, I'm like, either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it the hanging duck? I don't even know. But uhm, delicious. Anyway, uhm, he's, but then, I started Googling his stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't look, feel like it or look like it, but that's what I am. I was born in San Diego, Sharps Hospital, 1971.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bleed red, white, and blue. That's the color. Yep. Almost forgot. Right. I almost forgot. Anyway, let's give him a round of applause. He's a great stand-up. Shane Gillis, everybody. Great sketch guy. Shane, before we start, I want to, uhm, I have a couple of questions. I just have a couple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tipped them up because I don't want to forget them. So the first question is a two part question, right? And the second, uhm, and the second thing I want to ask you is a request, if you don't mind. Okay? Uhm, so just let me finish the questions before you answer the two, right? Why do we have a Chinatown? And why do they live in one place?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I was right the first time. I think you were, yea yea yea. I think I was correct. Yea you were. Second thing is just a request. Say the word noodle in an asian accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most comics are like, I love New York, LA South.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Philly is, what, an hour away from New York? Two hours, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like the movie Seven was based on that town. I mean, there's a gray dreariness sometimes about that place. Do you see that or no? Philadelphia? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's an ugly city, for sure. I like it. Yeah, no, it's a great town because I went to a steakhouse where I had a buzz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like something rose or something, where I had to buzz a door, and then a little thing, like back in, remember Lord, we always do Lord of the Rings references, but remember in Lord of the Rings when the hobbits go to that first hound, and then they had to slide open a little thing, and then there's a bottom one for hobbits, so they did that little joke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, there was just one, babe. I'm not a dwarf. Can you say that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think that you and I aren't the like, the best specimens of our-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then here for you, Tom Hardy. But you and I would be in the back somewhere in the barn, like you guys are gonna make the cut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it's, what, this look right here, right, is uhm, who's your Z?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam's, what's a sporting goods? Oh, at least it's Sam's Clubs. Uh, Big Five? Big Five, right? Like, for your fashion, you'd probably go Big Five, get the big basketball shorts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coach? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take coach. But you have, but out of all the whites. Yes. All of them. No, no, no, but through the history of whites, white-isms, there was always a guy like you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think that back in the day, I don't want to be offensive, but what kind of white, he's not a baker. You know, I know what he was. You know what he was? One of those jolly monks with the brown robes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A fryer. A fryer. He's got fryer feet. He's got a fryer vibe. Thank you so much. You have a fryer vibe. I'll take that. What am I?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, but uhm, what if I also, right, what if I also was working on the fields, but I also like, you know, I don't know how they work it, but like uhm, like in the barn, do they have barns back then? In Asia? I would think so, yeaah. I would hide like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, no, yeah, maybe Vietnamese, yeah, I think I would be like doing something on the side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's suppose like two sides are fighting each other, right? I'm obviously the Viet Cong, right? And you're an American soldier. You and I get lost, right? And then it becomes like that movie Enemy Mind where you and I are lost in a cave, right? And maybe that's a good movie where you and I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You and I are hungry in the first hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'll call you, uhm, yeaah. I'll just call you Chong, cause yeaah yeaah. Go the other direction, right? I'll go Chong, you go Jackson, right? And I know where all the rice is, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Hey Shane, you know, I heard you on Tiger Belly. And we wrote the script, we greenlit this movie, but there's a three hour fuck montage. Damn. With Bobby Lee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there we go. I'm all for it. Yeah, like I'm upside down on a banana tree, right? And you're like mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be fun. All types of stuff. Would you do it? Yes. Me too. I'm glad we got that out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when that shit happened to you back in the day, when was that? A couple years ago? It was two years ago. And usually how did it feel? It felt bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. So you, also getting that show, you have to jump over a bunch of hoops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was, was Seth there? Meyers was probably not, no? Who else was in the room?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to be completely sincere with it, because I'm not emotional, but uhm, it hurts me. It hurts me. It's like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I, even when I got mad back in the day, I know how exciting that is. Yea, it was cool. Yea, and I know how like magic, like you just, everything's otherworldly almost, and you're like floating on air, and then I can't imagine somebody just, you know, you're floating on a cloud, and some guy going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then how long did it take you to kind of like, uhm, start feeling normal again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just, you know, I just find it to be sacred. You know, comedy be sacred. I just feel like, you mean once we start on canceling jokes and bits, it's the end of our civilization. As we know it. You know, and I just, you know, and also what he said was,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but again, that's another thing, I've said this before, it's like uhm, you know, I've seen, I've said things, like if, at the store, if a gay comic brought me up, the kind of things that have come out of my mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, one more time for the whatever whatever, I'll do it in the room but not here, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, yeaah, I mean, I just, uhm, maybe it's because I'm also 50 now, almost 50 now, you know what I mean? And I've seen it all, I know what's important, what I feel like, and what's not important, and yeaah, it's not, yeaah, so anyway, uhm. Did you lose any Asian friends? No, I don't have any Asian friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But, but in many ways though,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you don't have to answer this if you want to, but it kind of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like when people say your name, it's like a legit comedy entity. You know what I mean? Not just, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody that's gonna be here one day, gone the next, but somebody that's like legit, like, like when I think of your name, I think of Andrew Schultz, Chris DiStefano, guys that are, I don't know if you're friends with those guys, Mark Normand, you know what I mean, those types of guys, you know what I mean, and uhm, that's the vibe that you've done for yourself. I don't know, you know, and if you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's being honest. I understand. I'm being legitimately honest with you. It's like, I would be sad if you died. No way. But, you know what I mean, I'm being, you know, I don't know what you're like as a person, but I'm just saying in terms of like, how I perceive who you are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, you know, how I know what other, how other comics perceive you and how we're, how we talk about you. And it's in, in a, in a good lens, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like you're legitimate, you know, and I don't think that if two, three years ago, if you got on SNL that you would get the same kind of street credibility even.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, that's enough compliments from me, but it's like, you know, uhm, I think you, I honestly think that you're gonna have a really good career. Does it feel like it? Yeah, I hope so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I met your girlfriend, right? And I'm like, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you have to be funny. I know. It's a good indicator. I'm not saying that you're ugly, I'm just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I like, that's what I'm going for. Although I dress like a fifth-grader. No, you dress like the assistant coach of some sort of weird sporting event. That's football, right? Yeah. You know how I know that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that uhm, let me see what the mascot is. Yea, what do you think? The Notre Dame mascot. Is it kind of like a uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bearded little man? No, I'm being real. Is it a bearded little man? I think it's a bearded little man. I don't know what he is. I think he's wearing some sort of hat. Is he wearing some sort of like a squ- I don't know what it is. Yeah, you're exactly right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Jack-o-Stones? The Jack-o-Stones. What the Jack-o-Stones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And what's crazy about this, obviously they didn't know what CTE is back then. They just figured that out. They just figured that out, right? And it's like, that's a huge thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like this? Oh, I see. Like that. Oh my god, how difficult is that? Elliot Smith, you know who that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a singer-songwriter. Oh, okay, yea, I do know. He needs a knife. This is how I, and he stabbed himself in the heart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's not in our thing, you know. I know that the yak- well, samurais used to do it, right? And then the yakus are really good at chopping fingers and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the, why, what's the matter?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just curious. I don't know. I just, I don't like that. You have a bad nail? You have a bad nail. And I don't like the nail. That's funny. Yea, yea. What do you mean? You know why it's bad? You're having a bad nail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single thing that you have. Right? That's a nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but it's like if, what I'm saying is if we got bed bugs in our house, we'd have to burn like, my vintage t-shirts, everything. Like furniture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But why can't I just look at the shirt and go, there's no bed bugs on this? Eggs. The eggs bro. It's all disgusting. And so I can't wash out the eggs? You probably could, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, don't you love cats though? I do love cats. We have three ourselves. Yea, cats rule. And then how do you know there's a little mag- a little right- You see it's asshole. You see it hang out with that. They live everywhere. Oh really? Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Worms? But you know, but have you heard of this models, supermodels going to Mexico or something and getting a tapeworm and then it makes, it eats away, what is it, eat away at the food?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you heard of, have you heard of it? Is it dang to you or dang gay? I think it's dang gay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, but let me ask you something, back, I just want to talk about, cause I forgot to ask you, the guy that you did it with, that you got cancelled, you know, when you got cancelled,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. You know what, I just don't understand, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The climate, I just hope that it changes man, because it's like, that whole thing is just so fucking upsetting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm thinking about the cli- is the climate our cli- that's not what I'm- well you know what I mean. We can use a little, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, but the- the co- I mean- Sure. No, I'm just trying to explain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I think that uhm, go ahead, help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need you to help me out. I really need you to help me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think the culture, I think culture should change, right? But I just think that like, it just went the other way so extremely, right? That's all I wanted to say. Have you done a late night talk show as a stand up yet? No. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember back in the day is once I did the Tonight Show, it kind of like validates you.


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[Assistant] In a weird way, like psychologically, even to myself, it's like, I could show up and go, I did that. You know what I mean? Do you think the TV has that kind of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just YouTube, it's free. Yeah. And by doing it that way, cause who else did that YouTube? Norman Bliss. Mark Norman did it. They all did it. Sam Morell. Yeah. All the New York guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's so, cause I saw some clips of your stand up and I told you, I go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw the bit, I was just like, especially that Fox News bit about your dad. I literally, legitimately from beginning to end, right? It's just a real...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, funny bit, great angle, and it's like somebody that, like, it's like watching what Bill Burr would have done or whatever, right? It's like that level of, of bit, and I was just like, wow, this guy's really good, you know, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so, Lafayette, Louisiana? Sure. Lafayette, Louisiana.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lately you have. I have it, I get chunks of like things that I ate like yesterday come up. Oh. Like just now I got. Oh no. Cilantro. What did you eat? I had a burrito yesterday. Did you guys? Disgusting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nice make out. Right? Right? That's nice, right? Nice make out's great. My entree would be what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Missionary. About two minutes. Two minutes, yeaah. And our dessert would be in the eyes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Because I'm more of a bottomy guy. Are you bottomy or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just have a little, like, so I can't do certain things that he can do. No, that's uh, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like from behind you can't take a knee. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could have the girl, right, on the edge of the bed. Yeaah, that's nice. You could be standing. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. So then what would you do? Maybe could you do be on your knees on the floor?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were you beat as a kid? No. Not like particularly. I know. Was it traumatic growing up? No, I had a nice...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Average. Yeah. Were you, were you the funny one in high school or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I also think that you have the size, like I think that if you and I were the same way in high school, they would think that you were more of a bully because of your size, and to me it's like, oh he's just aggressive, right? I think size has a lot to do with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, were you there when Jeff Ross pulled up in the- Jeff Ross pulled up in a Batmobile. Literally? Yeah, he had some sort of-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A machine that looked like a Batmobile. It was like, it was black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Picture a Batmobile, right, but not the new one from the 1960s show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? And, and then, but imagine like, you know, now kinda make it look like a jeep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to name names, but uhm, like Isaac Steber and they come in Mercedes or Andrew Santino with his fucking, you know, BMW, you know, nice. And I like just- I like it too. A Prius, banged up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like dressing like a homeless person. And like throwing keys at white people. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know. That threw me off quite a bit. Cause there's some things I just don't know what they're called. Like even if, like, you know, you know me, I have problems with uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I commit to a word even though I don't know how to pronounce it. Yeaah. Right? Whereas most people would be like, I'm gonna choose a different word. Because I can pronounce it, right? I'll just go for it. Yeaah. Right? So thunder, thunder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Shane Gillis and Bobby Lee and Thunderdorm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Odd couple. It would be a good odd couple. Do you think so? Yeah, obviously. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, I'm trying to think of something that you and I could do, right? That like, fuck the Vietnam movie, right? Yeah, fuck it. Fuck the Vietnam movie. Yeah, but I'm not Vietnamese, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you, but you have a com- you do- you are a handsome guy though, a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, look at me, right? Very talented. Listen, the girl, your girlfriend is very pretty. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I'm saying is that, uhm, I want you to look in the mirror, Shane. Okay, now I'm being real. Alright, and I think this is gonna be helpful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want you to look in the mirror and just look in there and go, and say this to yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not worth it. This is an SNL bit. Sorry, something came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever get covid? Yea. How was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but in planes, I feel like I'm not gonna get it because everyone's, they're pretty staunch, they're pretty, you gotta wear the mask the whole time. Yeah. And uhm, I don't feel in danger on a plane. I don't. Do you? No. Not really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was really good. But comedy clubs, because there's so many comics on the mic, that's the scary part. Right, like in New York, I'm sure there's a thousand guys on one mic. I don't see anyone spraying it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although Martin Lawrence the other night, so I brought up Martin Lawrence, and I go Martin Lawrence, and then like three dudes walked on stage I've never seen before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they just like, they weren't wearing hazmat suits, but they should have been, because they were just washing everything down, you're right? And people were like, what the fuck, and he goes up there, but it's like, I think they should do that between every comic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt like you were drifting off. No. Because you do that, you go and you just kind of go into the clouds. No, I'm here for this. No, but you weren't even looking at me though. What were you looking at over here? Because I was looking at her. Looking at you. Me? Yeaah. Oh yeaah. So Shane, at the end of our podcast we do a thing called unhelpful advice. Yeaah. So we get an email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Did they, did people know that he's on the podcast or is it just random emails?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, so many people on comments are like, when are you gonna get him on? When are you gonna get him on? Right? That's another reason why I think you're hot shit, and I think you're great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you're great and I wanna be your friend and I really like you. Alright. You know, and I uhm, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay? Yea, let's hang out. No, no, listen, calm down for a second. You're wonderful. Go ahead.