[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. See, that's the thing. I, I don't think it's Trump's fault. I think, I, I know the statistics of police brutality. I noticed the police, the statistic of police brutality under Obama and under Trump. I know that. I know it's not Trump's fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meanwhile, meanwhile, if a cop I knew that I was, if I was a cop and another cop I knew dated a 15 year old 20 years ago, I'd be like, yeah, he's, he can still work. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not really about this life. They're very much like, here's a cool propaganda poster of like a panther off a chain where it says defund the police. And it's fun for me to post as a guy, as a white guy who lives in Brooklyn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird. It's the same, it's the same exact, it's the same exact M.O. that leads that kid to be like, we got Overwatch, great tactical awareness, all that. It's the exact same thing. It's, it's, it's me, I think I'm LARP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true, those guys on Overwatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also the, uh, the Korean rooftop dudes in the fucking LA riots ruled also. You remember those guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you should see the one that was in Philly. That's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, yeaah, it's like a tent village right by the art museum. In that Columbus circle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this is a real, this is a legit one. This is for like cheap public housing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They popped up the exact time as jazz and it is definitely like those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe they are. Wow, so Philly has a chance?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, they would have let him. They would have let him. If you say it's for black people, the government has to be like, there's no way a government official could shut that down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're already eating the omelet. The omelet's already being eaten by those people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another thing that happens for, especially celebrities or like all these people that put out a tweet condemning those, the ugly people with bad teeth is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, alright, so yesterday, yesterday a guy named Max Kellerman, he hosts a show on ESPN. He was talking about how, if the SEC, so that's, you know the SEC?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, so, but then what happens is, on Twitter, everybody's like, yo, Max, Max Kellerman's keeping it 100. Awesome. This guy's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see, you see, you know, the ugly fucked up teeth people with their, all of their fucking profile pictures is them in their car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were just like, yo, how about we just toss celebrities at, at idiots? They'll buy it. And everyone was like, we don't need to see the rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chrissy Teigen, it's Chrissy Teigen, is the one they think anybody cares about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what she did. I know she had, I think she, I think Quibi had her on something, but I know she gets shoved in people's faces and they're like, who, why are we constantly getting fed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's another guy, dude, I was thinking, it's like John Legend has like, no hits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. True. It's almost like, now this is a very simple version of it, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad, for example, he likes Trump. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can still get him to admit that he thinks Trump's like a pussy or like a guy that's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know that guy sucks, right? And he's like, yeah, that guy sucks. Like he'll still be like, yeah, that guy sucks. It's just that they love seeing the other side so upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see Billie Eilish? Did you see Billie Eilish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a good one. It's powerful. It's like the Gettysburg Address level of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think there's gonna be a statue in this haunted, haunted forest where she delivered this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, wow, that was electric, thanks John Legend. So powerful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna look so ridiculous in 10 years, or like 20 years, you're gonna look back on that. That'd be like them having fucking Christine Aguilera at the DNC when she was like one, right after Genie in a Bottle. She's got one hit in there. You know, they kick it at unprecedented youthful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you'd, you'd like this. I was listening to, uh, see I told you I hate listen and watch a lot of stuff. I listen to, uh, there's a, the number one podcast in the world right now is called Nice White Parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, nice white parents and it's about how white parents have ruined the public school system. It's white parents. Uh, I, you know, I kind of forget most of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's about how white parents like, uh, like zoning shit, and I don't know, these white, the main point of the story is a bunch of white parents in New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Decided to bring all their kids to this one school. They didn't want to go alone. They didn't want to send their only white kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the dudes was like a professional fundraiser. He raised a ton of money for this school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's rich people, yeaah. But, uh, one of the crazy things was, after a couple years, this one school had, uh, like committees that would go around, like, they were looking for racism in the school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they had, they had adults that would walk in the halls and look into classrooms and take notes looking for fucking racism, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, alright, so there's one lady reported back, so they all went out into the halls, looked in each classroom. This lady observed a classroom and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, this is what this maniac goes back and reports and she's like, now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that classroom. So maybe the, the, the, the black boy I'm talking about was, uh, he's typically wrong. Maybe that's it. Maybe she didn't trust him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she goes, or maybe does that white girl not even think he's human? And it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're dressed like they're from the 50s. They're always wearing like vintage jackets and hats and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll be in, next weekend I'll be at Wise Guys in Salt Lake. And then the weekend after that. What day, what day is this shit coming up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's September, September. Okay. So this Friday and Saturday, the third and fourth, fourth and fifth, is that correct? September. I think so. Salt Lake wise guys next weekend, Phoenix house of comedy the next weekend, Minneapolis, Minnesota.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been on the road a little, but this is my first like three week stretch, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You sell out every night because it's all half full.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey gang, it's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kipy. Just want to thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? The show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grow up classy or if they're a huge fucking piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And make it a kimpy, give it up for Kevin James Ryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you always had that look on your face, like you wanted to knock me the fuck out for some reason. So I always stay clear, but what is your backstory? Where did you grow up? Tell us the deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so a couple of the standard questions we like to ask, uh, here on the podcast. Number one, we'll start out, what was the name of the street that you grew up on? It could be your, your Lansdowne Street or your Upper Derby Street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get out of school. I'd be curious, who in here has the highest SAT score? Anybody? Huh?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're a cutie. Yea, no need to brag. That's nice. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the way Uncle Steve liked you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do not. Did you hear his set?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The ketchup. How do you get your steak cooked? I'm curious about that. Me? Me and Ray. Alright. Rayni?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fair one's a, uh, it's a, it's a, uh, equally understood battle with fisticuffs in an alley growing up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like a nerf gun would put him out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He looks younger than her. Nice! I mean, like, she's smoothed out, but you can tell that's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome back, guys! PizzaStocks.com!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I'm excited, I'm excited. Fight Club, give it up for Matt McCusker!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Rite Aid, not even CVS. But, I will say I'd have to give it to Ben as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I was impressed with both of you guys, but uh, yeaah. I think Gardini's got a slight advantage here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was good. It was definitely, it was a barn burner. And I'll, I'll be specific in my feedback. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was very close, but where, Ilya, where you missed, you had a couple jokes that I think you were talking about yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had a teacher leave and I also in high school, I had a history teacher that was crippled and he was crippled from polio and uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think they had certificates. Matt can attest to this, dude, like where we went to school, like they, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the one teacher that walked out, I don't think she had any kind of certification. She brought her, her son had Down syndrome and she brought him to our school and put him in a cage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She put her Down syndrome kid in a playpen while we were supposed to be 7th graders and like we weren't supposed to make fun of him. It was tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, she had a nervous breakdown, she used to cry on her pretzels, and uh, she used to eat soft pretzels, and she just stormed out of class one day, and we just, we were all laughing at her, looking out the window, just watching her walk away. Like, the kids had won, it was Lord of the Flies, we won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was pumped you guys got, uh, audible as a sponsor. I love audible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I'm doing the next book after that one, like the newer book and it's nuts. I mean, it's really, it's really cool stuff, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I feel like it's like level 2 of the program with Wes. Because it's like Wes is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wes is like, okay, here's your goals and goals are cool and all, but I hit all, I hit most of my goals already. So now I'm just- Not bragging.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not bragging or anything. Uhm, but now it's in here just going like, uh, alright, I'm gonna focus on values because actually my last goals are, well, my ongoing goal is being an asset to my friends, but my other goals were to like, get better with my family and stuff. That has a lot more to do with values.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? And like learning how to live a values based life, separating your mind from yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's more like as you're working through them, you work, you work through them with the values. Yep. You know what I mean? Like it's like trying to think of a better way to put that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I was gonna say, like, uh, well me and Matt had a cool conversation with my uncle Charlie, who's pretty much like a wizard and all this stuff, and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really what it's like is like, if you have feelings that you're a loser, they're only happening inside you. You're more of a place. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The mind is sitting there making up thoughts. If you don't buy into the thoughts,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they're more like the train that Rainey's talking about. Like you're just watching the thoughts go by. Put the thought on a leaf and watch it like blow down, blow in the wind. You know what I mean? Like you don't have to buy any of your thoughts. Your thoughts are separate from your mind. When you have feelings, they're just happening in, they're happening in a place called Tim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's your choice if you're gonna buy into that, if you're gonna attach, if you're gonna tell your mind, we're having these feelings again, let's have all those thoughts we really love about ourselves, that's on you. You can detach, your mind is just basically just another part of your body, you don't have to buy into it like it's your personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could rename it. Like, you could name your brain whatever you want. I named mine Chuck. I go, alright, cool. Thanks, Chuck. I'll check in with you later, man. It's not really working out. Alright, Chuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like, we don't need it to keep solving problems that don't exist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just bible stuff, it's like myth stuff, it's hero's journey, and the hero's journey man is always him and his boys, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The new book that I'm reading, he's talking about taking all of the fucked up shit that happened to you or fucked up shit in your life and you pivot it and you turn it into energy. Like Matt was, Matt made an analogy to the infinity stone earlier, which I put on my vision board, which is goat because it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you should be able to do on program level two is take the most fucked up parts of yourself are just parts of yourself that are showing you what you want to, what your values are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Yeaah. So it's like, say you like uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If, if nobody had, if everybody's on these freaking pills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And nobody's experiencing anxiety. And you see a little kid with an anxiety attack. Like, what are you gonna say to him? You don't have any, oh, what are you gonna say? Oh, here's a pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or it's like, oh dude, hold on man, we're going to spin that, that's your little infinity stone. We're going to, we're going to teach you how to hold that, like Star Lord. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to take it to another level, but that's why yourself held onto the pain. That's what you have to give back to the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? Like you have, your pain is where your values are. And if you can pivot the pain into a skill, a skills based.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're living in a world with people that are like workaholics or something, or you hear Rogan will be like, oh, I like uh, fucked up dudes or good at being comedians and stuff like that. But if we all programmed on this level.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've suffered for the last, I want to say for the last eight or nine years of my life, I've been, I first of all, I fused with my mind. I believed everything my mind told me. My mind kept telling me, oh man, once you get this done, then you'll be okay. Classic Chuck. You know, classic Chuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you can't, now that I get learned how to undo that to myself, I'm on a better path. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, well the whole uhm, the whole thing that I had going on was, it wasn't just once I get to this point, then I'll be good enough. It starts out with, you're a loser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your piece of shit, uhm, you have like four friends, your family doesn't fuck with you at all, you're a loser. Like, you should kill yourself. Like, this is what's going on in your head. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how my, my mind got so distorted, but if I let Chuck be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just go, dude, I don't need to wait till I'm good enough. You know what I mean? I just have to start living towards my values.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey Brainy, I used to have problems with girls when I was younger. Like, I had such, uh, bad problems with girls, like, uhm, attachment shit. Matt, Matt knows about it. You know, like, cause he went to school and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, one time I got drunk with my girlfriend at a bar, she went to the bathroom and she was there for a little bit longer than I thought she should be. I got, I left the bar and I punched a whole like, uh, city block of mirrors of cars. You know what I mean? Like that's how fucked up my head got. She was just pooping though, right? Over nothing. Over nothing, like she was just in the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's wild that there's no talk of like the underclass. It's like you have to hit rock bottom before you get social work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you know, if you're hovering right above rock bottom, no one's there to help you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If your lighthouse is your values dude, it'll all fall into place. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just think like, uh, there's so many people living out there and they just live with, they just deal with their jam ups and they're like, oh, I'm jammed. And they just don't know that that's their infinity stone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. You know what I mean? Like if you knew that was the deal, like fuck man, I have anxiety, I have this, I have that, and it's like if they could learn how to hold it, like a fucking immortal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, Wes has a, Wes makes himself vulnerable, which means woundable, hilarious, and then he gets strong enough to be like, fuck you, you can't hurt me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I have a severe like feargate with bays, dude. Yup. You know what I mean? But now I'm armed with like weapons. Yeah. Nunchucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We might be in a growing pains of everybody is just gonna find out about the infinity stone and if everybody starts holding it, then we're all gonna ascend to another density.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man, I don't- RIP to the concrete pit, dude. What happened to it? He's dead. Who did? Who died? The guy from the concrete pit. Oh, shit, really? Oh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're just gonna try to level up our, our Patreon people, you know, so that they can get more money and then they can give us more money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I mean, Billy was like, Billy wanted to do, I could feel that Billy wanted to do it, and Matt was like, you should do it, you should do it, and I didn't want to do it. I was like, nah man, I just want to live my life, blah blah blah, but it's like, that's not being an asset to my friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to act like I'm on a cross or anything, but I really do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm really just doing this for everyone else. And I, the only thing I really like is making the intros. That's like my favorite thing. They fucking rolled, dude. I just, I love making the intros the night before. It takes a whole lot out of me. And uh, going into the thing with Bill and like doing it, it's fun and all, but like, you know, normal me, old me, I used to just work on Sundays.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like give that day to Bill and we're gonna try to get the page up and maybe it'll change our lives, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, alright, Philadelphia, you guys still having fun out there? Alright, let's hear it one more time for all the fights that you saw tonight. Oh man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamar and Jason versus Ned. Ned, you gotta believe in yourself, brother. You gotta believe, man. You won. You came up there and you fucking won, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, also for the first battle, Zoey said that, you know, you should wear pajamas. You're both wearing fucking pajamas. It's like the shittiest version of 8 Mile, like come on, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm on a big potentiality kick right now. When like, you know, there's a person, there's like the stuff they have currently going on, but then there's always a bunch of stuff they could be doing. And it's like, it's pretty crazy to think of all the stuff you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haven't done just because of, you know, X, Y, and Z. Typically, usually it's like, well, I don't want to get someone to like break my balls or I don't want to suck, you know, or this or that. But it's like, you know, it sucks because you could be doing a million different things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, man, dude, I'm telling you, dude, it's, uh, I mean, it's funny because it sounds like we're going kind of round robin, but it's like, I was more or less kind of just kicking around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, space cowboy style and then like, you know, Wes same thing when he gave me the like, you know, here's how I set goals. Here's how I imagine in like a year coming up in all these different domains. I did that and like, dude, I, I say it all the time. I'm like the, the level of effect that had for just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably like a million crack brain schemes that just kind of fall apart and be like, no, here's an actual thing that I've shaped and I'm going to try to make that happen. It's like, dude, it's simplified so many things in my life. It's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no, that's ridiculous. Cause again, it was really your kind of framework that I adopted, but the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when I, when I first did that, you know, kind of like envisioning, you know, what's the next year going to bring and all these different domains that, you know, you do care about, but you don't consciously evaluate really ever. You're like, yeah, families, cool, sounds good. And it's like, all right, what do you do for them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, wait till they call me for somebody's birthday and we like all stand there and like ask each other about work and then eat a lot of sugar and go home. You know, it's like, it's like trying to like bring more of like a conscious, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing I've been researching a lot right now is how to kind of, not just shape goals that are like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, societally programmed goals, like, you know, like when I was in college, I was like, I need to make $100,000 a year, which is a number I heard. I was like, that'll solve all my problems. And, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I, I don't really care. You know, this is cool. Maybe I wasn't making $100,000, but I was just like, what the hell? Like this, I don't, I don't care about this. I got tricked into caring about this. You know, I don't know how.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so what I've been doing is trying to do like deep kind of values work and like look into the things that, what do I actually 100% value? And then how can you turn those into like actionable, doable items? And uh, dude, that's been like, I've been loving doing that to the point where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't really do much stuff in terms of like for my relationship and I should do this X, Y, and Z. And you know, you just come up with like a really cool self-created to-do list that, you know, just makes your days full of stuff that you enjoy doing that are deeply meaningful to you personally, rather than just being like, eh, another day, another dollar, fucking everyone's dickhead, blah, blah, blah, blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a struggle, man. That was like, you know, and it's funny too, just, I always tell people when they're like, oh, I want to do a podcast, but like, you know, how do I get my numbers? It's like, just make sure you're coherent. I rocked like six months, not being coherent at all. So it's like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, dude, I'm telling you man, it doesn't have to do with, uh, I think there's a thing with goal setting where it's kind of contrived as like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] shallow and robotically business-ish and I, I was, I kind of thought that way when I was younger, but it's like, it's like, no man, you're giving yourself a self-directed purpose and meaning in life, you know, and it's, I think it's something, if you do that, it, it just cured a lot of that other stuff, your weird angst and existential problems just kind of start to fall by the wayside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, the thing that, uh, so I've been reading Viktor Frankl, uh, the guy who did Man Search for Meaning. I'm listening to that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was the guy who was in a concentration camp and he like, he was a psychiatrist and he got rounded up thrown in a camp. Uhm, and then he was like trying to write a manuscript while he was in a concentration camp and they took his manuscript and like threw it away. So he ended up getting out and actually writing his manuscript and publishing Man's Search for Meaning and then he also


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Focuses on meaning as like a problem. So there's like classic psychoanalysis as like the sex drive. And then there I think Adler had like uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not the sex drive, but more of like your social position drive, like inferiority complex and all that stuff. And Frankel is like, no, there's also, and Young did this too, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Franklin was like, there is this drive for inherent meaning and purpose. Like, you know, you can get a guy who grows up in poverty and goes, I just want to be rich. And then they get rich and they go like, hmm, there's still something missing. And you know, it's supposed to be like that intangible. Like is there a satisfying why behind what you're doing? You know, that's like your meaning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, can you see a thing in your head that doesn't exist and have that sustain you through the, you were talking about the messy period when you're like, but everything sucks and nothing's working out. But like, you know, and I think that's a huge factor for people who can like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Organized stuff in a way this year, like, you know, and I, I know I did, I just started doing like pretty much the biggest thing I had was like just doing stuff that I had kicking around in the back of my head and I was like, eh, I don't want to do that. That might be weird. I just did pretty much almost everything that I had wanted to do and then got to judge like the experience of that rather than just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I also, I think that is adorable. I also think too, like Tim, like you were saying, man, you were on, you were on the, uh, you know, uh, what would you call like the grist mill of kind of like structured careerism of just being like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, or just, I mean, you can win, that's the thing, like, you can, it's almost like a lottery system, where it's like, you know, cause everyone's always disgruntled, like, that guy got the rip motion, blah, blah, blah, and everyone's kinda disgruntled, waiting for their little, like, bingo card to be pulled. But I do think, like, you know, you went off the reservation and, like, started, like, doing your own thing, and I swear to God, it's like, it's something that, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Definitely a thing, like, you know, if you don't like your situation, you can kind of go outside your comfort zone. It's like, you know, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but like, was that the thing that allowed you to kind of bust that movement? Like, alright, I'm getting the fuck out of here.


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[Assistant] Well, it's also too man, the, uh, cause I, I struggle with like, you know, cause we, we, we'll talk to dudes and they're just like, you know, we'll talk about like, you know, they're like, I'm real sleep deprived and we go through their schedule and it's, it's like, you know, maxed out, like, you know, I'm working night shift, my wife works during the day, you know, and there's really, there's really like, you're almost like, damn dude, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have any, I can't even think of anything, you know, but another thing I've been reading about in terms of just like one's values.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just their attitudinal values, so it's like, how do you, okay, say you can't change a thing at all. You can always gauge and kind of customize the way you face it. And that makes a humongous difference, man. Of like, people, like, you don't understand, like, you know, I got fired, I got this, I got that, I got this, you know, no, no, like, 10 minute conversation is gonna solve anything.


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[Assistant] But what people can always do is just face thing, either they can let it destroy you or you can just buck up through it and face it and it's like...


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[Assistant] People would be surprised how much of a changing effect that has on almost everything.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, it's like you have a whole different mindset, you know, and it just like, dude, a lot of that stuff, again, I'm always going back to all the jobs I've been at, like, it sucks, I should be promoted, I should be promoted, blah, blah, blah, and it's like, well, maybe you act like a dick kind of all the time, you know, like that has an effect when you're walking around being like, fucking asshole, fuck this guy, I should, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, people pick up on that, man, and it sucks.


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[Assistant] Everyone does, dude. I mean, everyone, I've, I've sucked into it of being, I'd be like, like, yeah, I'd be in a house that was being built and I could like barely staple the wires to like a two by four and be like, these guys don't even know what they're doing. I would just like smash the staple every time.


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[Assistant] It's kind of unavoidable, man. It's like, dude, did you see the thing about, uh, con- or yea, Kim Kardashian had a hologram of her dad at her like 40th birthday? Yea, I saw that. That rules. Kanye West gave her a hologram of her late father to be like, you know, like, hey, Kimberly, like we missed you, you know, like I, you know, I blah blah blah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know, I thought, I thought it was a pretty sick gift or whatever. It was a strain. It was definitely strange, but like, I was looking at the, you know, supposed fallout of that event and there was people who would go like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that kind of like, you know, I, my hate, my circumstances, you know, I'm going to sit here and wallow in it and wait till I hear somebody doing a thing that sounds kind of cool and being like, you shouldn't do that. It's like.


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[Assistant] I think, I guess you're right. I, I could see that. I just like, I just think it's just a bad mindset. It's like, dude, you again, like you do essentially almost have, I wouldn't say a totally blank canvas in front of you, but it's a lot blanker than people think. And a lot of the stuff on it is just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be like a dick about, like, you know, and I understand, like, people are hurting, it sucks when, you know, when you're jammed up, like, that does suck, but it's like, dude, I'm, like, especially, like, when I went to social work school, there was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the same time again with that thing of like, you can meet somebody where they're at while also trying to assess and tap into like their unrealized potential. And it's like, you know, you can't, whenever people just commiserate and they're like, yeah, anyone who has anything more than us sucks. It's like, you're totally cutting off your own foot. Like you, you could have more stuff or could have a better setup, but it's, you know, just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is true, it is true, but they do it in like, in the help, they call it the helping, or not, I think that's like nursing and stuff, but in like counseling, there's this big thing where you're always supposed to, like never,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not identity theft, but like trying to do like cybercrime. And I was, it was like him and his buddies are like high school, you know, juniors or whatever. And I'm looking at them like, dude, don't do that. Like just don't do that. You can't pull that off. There's companies spending millions of dollars to combat you and you barely know how to work Venmo. It's like, stop, dude. What kind of crimes were they trying to do?


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[Assistant] Just do like that stuff where you like somehow set up, like you buy credit card numbers online and then try to like set up fake venmos and you know, he's like, yeah, we got like three bucks. I'm like, dude, just don't, don't, that three bucks is coming with a bad price tag, dude.


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[Assistant] But yea, exactly. It's like, you know, McAfee maybe could pull it off. You just talk to people and they would have you believe that you're supposed to be like, mmm, yeaah, well tell me more about it. It's like, dude, stop. Don't do that. Like you're, I think, you know, you should be able to do something like that. Is it McAfee?


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[Assistant] But it's like, so I always construct counter arguments and when people go, oh, I, uh, that's so stupid. Like, you know what I'm gonna say? Cool. Yeah, I get it. But like, dude, like, you don't really, uh, you know, I think of what's the alternative to not having like a self, like a meaningful self-directed purpose to life is, you know, is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The alternative to that is just, you know, what I had pretty much my whole life before that for the most part, like here and there I'd get little glimpses of it, uh, of not living like that, but it was just that like existential,


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[Assistant] What am I doing with my time or like, you know, I do like a little bit of work, but then like kind of like, like Rainey, you were saying like you got a thing done you wanted to do. So the next 20 minutes you could just fuck off. My problem was like, I wanted to do all this stuff, but I wasn't disciplined or structured at all. So I'd be like haunted by all of these projects and I would like kind of tinker with them, never show anybody.


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[Assistant] And then kind of like go chill and kind of like waste time and procrastinate. And then I just always felt horrible. Like I wasn't getting anything done. Even when I went to relax it, when I was relaxing, I think about the work that I should be doing. And when I'm doing like the kind of the work, I'd be like, ah, I should just chill. So I was always in this kind of like, you know, nether realm of like kind of half doing stuff.


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[Assistant] And then once you like, once I put structure on that, it's like, like Wes was saying before, like, you know, athletes have four quarters. So I give myself that time, like five o'clock comes, I'm done. I don't care what happened. I'm done. I shut down. I go hang out with my family.


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[Assistant] Uhm, you know, and every now and again, they'll be like a little circumstance, we'll go like an hour later, but for the most part, it's like, I have my on time and I have my off time. Dude, it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe it's just for like working for yourself. You need it because, you know, when you're at a job, it's very clear when you're done. But for me, like, I don't know what, you know, I don't really know what I'm done. When I added the structure to that, it took away from that just kind of like floating. What's the point of life feeling?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I, I feel like, you know, when you see like pictures of the saints with like the yellow thing around their head, I just like walk around all day. Like I have purpose. I, you know, it just feels nice, man. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's what bridges, yea, that's what bridges are for. Do you ever do like the bridge where you're kinda like, oh yea, hips to the sky? That's that muscle.


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[Assistant] It's just, just giving your, just again, snatching your awareness is a big thing too. Like having your.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Conscious, commanding your own conscious awareness, because we really almost give it away. It's like, I don't want it. I don't want to pay full attention to what's going on. It's too much, you know, it's too much to think about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been able to like hear a thing while I'm angry, be like, man, I'm kind of pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, this is annoying. And then, you know, get out my part of it. And it's like, dude, you start reclaiming those like areas of your life that for me were just mostly like unconscious spaz mode. It's like, dude, it makes it's like the littlest freest things that make like these humongous changes in your life. And dude, it's, it's been pretty tight.


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[Assistant] Meditation, journaling, writing, reading, then exercise, uh, veggies.


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[Assistant] An act of love and getting proper sleep. And like when he was saying touch the habits, it's like, damn, I'm on the time crunch. I have to write today because that's one of my habits.


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[Assistant] Dude, I'll write like a paragraph and I'm like, did it. I interacted with this thing that I want to do. I'm off to something else. That way there's not all that guilt or like, Oh, I missed this thing. You know, it's like, you're not like a robot. You can kind of contract and expand the thing however you want, but there is something to be said like, dude, I've gotten so much more writing done since I started kind of structuring my days like this.


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[Assistant] Love you guys, I'm happy you did it and honestly you guys gave me the gift of like...


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[Assistant] You know, showing you can be somewhat earnest and not always emotionally guarded and like, so dude, that was like, that set off a bunch of shit in me and helped me do a bunch of stuff that I wanted to do. So, you know, it was just a, we're basically 69 right now.


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[Assistant] Did he, did, did, did the Pearson kiss you?


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[Assistant] He seems like he's from Thailand. I'm guessing Thailand.


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[Assistant] This is how, this is how non-racist Austin is. We were surprised the black guy could dance. You're welcome!


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[Assistant] There's a defenseless deer on stage, you have a knife, kill it.


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[Assistant] Alright, I just want to make something clear real quick. So uhm, my name is Cheep, but spelled CHEP. So, when I was born, my doctor asked my parents,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I know. A lot of money, dude. Was it this? I'm not gonna show anybody.


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[Assistant] I wrote like a tweet like, hey idiot, Beyonce, uh, men don't cheat because of lack of talent.


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[Assistant] You don't wanna say. I think I know, but. A lot of money, dude. Was it this? I'm not gonna show anybody.


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[Assistant] I showed up to the cellar as a fan, I was like, hey man, I'm a fucking sound engineer from Milwaukee.


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[Assistant] What's the little bag thing like that? Oh, those are pouches. That's a pouch. Okay. Where you from?


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[Assistant] Bathtubs. Did you really? Yeah. Where? And, uh, some shithole in York, Pennsylvania. Alright. And every time you would design the bathroom. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I was- I was like, this price is- I didn't know what the price was gonna be, and then they would design the ba- It was always old people for like a walk-in shower. Right, yeah. They were all dumb as fuck.


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[Assistant] No, he did a spot tonight. I did one spot tonight. One spot. Like an audition? Soder, no, no, no, nothing. Soder was running like an hour. He let me host. Oh, cool. Yea, it was cool.


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[Assistant] I was in this girl's Instagram story this week and a chick that I was hooking up with in Philly DM'd her friend. It was like, how do you know Shane?


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[Assistant] Because they worked together at some restaurant. My, the chicken with's friend was friends with this chick.


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[Assistant] He goes for like hard knockouts.


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[Assistant] Well, you wanna talk, uh, melaton- you wanna talk skin? Melatonin? Melatonin, dude.


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[Assistant] You guys ever see Deontay Wilder fuck up that, uh, YouTube star?


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[Assistant] Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. Oh yeah. That's a great one.


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[Assistant] Although that does look pretty real. It's definitely not. It's not real. Alright, sorry I came at you on that.


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[Assistant] Uh, middle of the ocean is the worst thing on earth.


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[Assistant] Yeah, this is the, literally the worst story of all time. Yeah, it is.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they, they were delivering, uh, the parts for the atomic bomb for, in Japan. On the way back it was a secret mission and they got submarine, they got torpedoed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the US didn't really report that they were out there doing this. So like 900 dudes went into the water for three days and they all got eaten by sharks.


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[Assistant] Three days and nights placid water, pitch black.


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[Assistant] Yeah, like 300 of the 1200 that went in.


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[Assistant] There's stories of guys like reaching over to their friends, reaching over to their friend that's got a life vest on, and being like, hey, wake up, cause they look like they're asleep, and then the whole lower half of them's been eaten. Just eaten. So like your boy's just floating, fucking arms up.


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[Assistant] It's called A Fair One, on uh, Compound Media, and then Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, and then I open for Dan, so wherever he is. Awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Notre Dame. I'm obsessed with Notre Dame. I have a fucking spot. Notre Dame plays at four. I have a spot at the Stand Up New York at...


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[Assistant] What's wrong with you? You seem frazzled. He's calming unglued. What the hell, what's wrong? I'm at the 2-yard line, I'm just going red. How old are you? Huh? How old are you? 29.


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[Assistant] What's fun for you? Making fun of girls with those jobs? Nah, nah, nah. I'm not making fun of girls with no jobs. I'm just, I'm just letting them know what's coming down the pike for them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like to be nasty? I wasn't being nasty, I was nagging. What, were you nagging? I was nagging a little bit, yea. What, uh, were you talking to girls with no jobs? No, she brought it up in conversation. I was just like, what are you gonna tell your kids? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when your kid's having nose like that, you're gonna say like, well, mommy thinks it's ugly and she got rid of it, so now you have to, or you're gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what'd she get, what'd she like, what'd she shave off? She had a big old fucking camel hump on her nose. Oh, she ever did that? I like an interesting nose. I like those, like a Roman nose. Check out this picture I got. Hold on. That's a Roman nose. I was like, in my head I was like, I think a strong ethnic nose is nice. Yeah, that's what she said.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, she, she agreed with me. She said the, I make a good point, but.


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. Oh, they can put like videos and shit? Yea, oh yea. Yea, it's not good, like chicks are like brutally unfunny. Like the shit, it's all the same. It's all the same shit.


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[Assistant] It's never going to happen. Like, I can't step foot in there.


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[Assistant] I'm doing my best. Yeah, it'll literally never happen. Yeah, I came here on Sunday and I literally just didn't have a thought in my head. Yeah? Just destroyed.


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[Assistant] No, it's not just girls getting tricked. The girls getting tricked is just a nice little treat for me to say haha. This is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a good show on Netflix, I forget what it was, it was like a Revolutionary War thing, but it was, it was a very good show, I forget what the fuck it was called.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gamo just seems terrifying, just from the pictures.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Yeah, it is bizarre. Like now, when I'm driving around, like dropping dumpsters and stuff, it's just every single human spade scene in a fair amount. Like every human is just in workout clothes, going to and fro.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what it's, I just, from when I first started driving until like now, it just seems like it is, like every- It's cause of the pandemic.


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[Assistant] I figured it would be sick, I figured it would just get better. Well, it completely fucks up everything. Really? That dude cootie is a fucking pussy.


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[Assistant] Kanye West gets him in. The Kanye West is the nicest dude alive. Gave Pusha T all of his albums back. Like all of his music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Kanye West was like, dude, it's just yours. You will have all the rights to your music. How did that work? Because Kanye West owned good music and Pusha T like was like a president or whatever. And the news, fake news media, tried to put it out there like, oh, like he left and there was like some big thing and like Pusha T went on a podcast. It was like, nah, it just gave me all my shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? He's like a really solid dude. The dude, Cootie, gets a Netflix series, filming Kanye. He's been filming Kanye his whole life. How old was he? 24. He was 24, Kanye West like 17, 18, starts following around the camera. Fucking chomo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the powers that be at Netflix are just absolute pure evil. Michelle Obama's on like the board, like there, there's evil fuckers in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goody does his whole thing, first two episodes, obviously showing Kanye West just being a beast. And then the third one, it just like something got over him, and I don't know what it was, and it starts fucking, it's like, it's, mind control flashes, like sissy hypno, but magna, MAGA hats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, no, just what it is. When they start doing this stuff, they start playing this music and flashing these hats. Cootie didn't do that. Yeah. Some fucking guy who was bored at the CIA did that. He tried to fucking get everyone else, but they don't know they're fucking within. When you fuck with Kanye West, you are Deadpool, just like him. This is what Cootie fucking record him saying. He's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, true. And he did all that for money, and Kanye West probably just did that as a test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just like, dude, fucking, your friends Kanye West. Start filming other people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude just rode a coattails then for probably a few mil, just completely ice Kanye West car, just more shit to make him crazy. It's the biz, it's the fame biz.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, if you're rolling into West Philly in the 80s wearing cowboy boots, you're getting fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand how those people have relationships at all. Cause like, A, they're acting 24-7. B, you're getting so much pussy that you're just lying. Like there's no way you're going around every day telling someone exactly what you're doing. Cause you're trying to get strange somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he said me and spay can come backstage and MCR this summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they probably have a lot of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of like the dickheadish, like little GC lords, like the young GC lords that are just like, they got a fuckload of money early and they think they're so important. Once they eat a dick, dude, they're fucking brutal. And all they do is tell you about all the shit they used to do. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't imagine getting that much money and being famous and everyone like dick riding you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just, you're just making a whole place of monsters. No wonder all this is like, there's all child pedophilia and everything. Like these people are like, you're getting the monsters of monsters and putting them in movies and telling them how great they are. And you're like, yeah, fuck this kid. It doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We won't have to worry about taxes. We got you. Take a picture of this kid and that's it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that terrifies me. The old, uh, documentary, while it was like three years ago, maybe, all about, uh, like the dudes at Nickelodeon and like the parents that bring their kids there. Like dude, the whole- I remember that one. The whole- Like dude, they'll drop their kids off to these, like, managers. Dude. Look at Britney. Britney Spears is going-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, there's way too, like, you can't put me, besides Kinka, which, fuck him, you can't put me in direct contact. He was a good coach. The guy knew the game of basketball. Did you play under Kinka?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the date on those? I don't know. Two weeks, three weeks ago. The fucking crazy thing about her saying uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was in those, like, camps. Bad baby. Also, when she went on Dr. Phil,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got into one of those, like, reform camps, like a little, like, Glenn Mills type thing for kids. And dude, they were just getting fucking raped. Yea. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it happens. And then I was like, oh, you just want to use us. Fuck that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You needed it anyway. Obviously, that's what I said. It was in my Amazon wishlist. I just hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should put up your wishlist like the OnlyFans girls. Do they do that? Yea. Yea dude. Wouldn't know. Little financial domination.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a test. Yes. This is what this is. This is bad vegan. Yeah, this is bad vegan. You even doing that? Dude, he's like texting this chick like, if you stick with this plan, it will, you, two million dollars, you won't even have to worry about two million dollars. Where we're going, you won't need two million dollars. That'll be paid off tenfold if you hold out. Just wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking for, I would like a chick to do this to me, I'd be pumped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I just, hopefully there's a girl out there for me, bro. You gotta find your twin flame, dude. Yeah. Spades looking for his. I'm looking for mine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. Doesn't have to be said. I'll buy say 100% cotton shirt. It'll be here tomorrow. Single taken, two check mark boxes, checked off single. Put that on my wish list.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they do. Hunter Biden gets fucking pussy. He probably had that small


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something no good. The weird part is, like, that video I showed you clears that it's Hunter Biden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump was like, yeah, what's good with your fucking son being a cracker? Hey, that is Russian disinfo. And that's true. It's like, dude, I'm staring at him zooming on Trump had the tapes, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had all that and the fact that like, Hunter Biden's over, like maybe not even over, just a human involved with a Ukrainian oil company that's getting paid beaucoup bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he thought he deleted a bunch of videos, which I can't wait for. There's a bunch of pics and videos that he thinks he deleted. So there's a video of him getting a foot job, smoking crack, and that stayed on. So if you can imagine what the fuck. It's gonna be scat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably a fucking method who's getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about how powerful you would feel if like, if you're on coke and you're trying to start a business, that shit ends Sunday when you have to go back to work. The coke never stops, and then you're also seeing the bank account


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, obviously dude. They wanna fuck Vladimir Zelensky, bro. It's just bizarre. I mean, and then they're gonna sit there and hate on my boy. Zelensky's 5'2". He's a hot liar. He's so small, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all blue and yellow, bro. That's fucking weird. Hey, I wear no conspiracy theories either. No, I hear you. That's strange.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that would really chat my ass when the uh, Ukraine stuff, cause me, we haven't talked about this. Me and Spade have in detail.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way people just jumped on it and was like, okay, now the news is telling the truth after they've been lying their balls off. Yeah. Literally forever, but in hyperdrive on COVID it's like now you're going to, now everything is true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not brothers. We're not there yet. Yeah, dude, I was like, when I was going to ACME when all this shit was happening, it was like you were in Grand Theft Auto and I would breach the gates. And it's like a you. My whole run's a you, and I'm popping the chip, I'll get a little bag of lightly salted lace. You gotta end then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but like now when they reinstate the mass, it was just no holds bar. No one gave a fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yea dude. What? It's a whole, it's a whole new language, like all this shit, like when you go out to the bar,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can speak a language where it's like, you know how they think elites, like in Kubrick movies, there's all symbols for elites. You can speak in a way where it's like, okay, you know. Where there's a tone about it and then like you, that's how you have to fucking break the ice with someone instead of just getting to know someone like a normal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my new favorite thing now is to just be autistic as fuck with it and just walk into like three days or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I told spay when I was sick, I was like, dude, I'd rather be on like mushrooms. Like the weird like fucking, when I was trying to sleep, I was just like, what the fuck is this? Like I was like, my head was racing. What the fuck? It was brain inflammation. If they call it that, maybe I was probably just like pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude man, that's a lot to take in dude. That was my main thing when it first happened and like my buddies were fucking spurging on me. I was like, bro, what do you think this is doing to people in the news? Like if everyone was like calm down or you'll be alright, like you wouldn't have these fucking racing thoughts. You get fucked up from your fucking brain, brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It tore families apart, literally like that. Oh yeaah. The COVID was probably the- the people dying of COVID was probably the smallest fucking part of COVID.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you sit back and look at the actual COVID deaths. The damage. The damage done. The overdoses. That is the number last one. Yea. All the chicks that got punched on and all the fucking dudes that don't punch back, man. They got punched on too. Did you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, supposedly like, some people say it's like not right to fucking have them, but like bro, if they're out there, I might as well give them a good life. You should, yea. Start rescuing micro pits dude. It's impossible. No one's gonna get rid of a micro pit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. It's just a dream of mine. Yeah, the micro pit. Would it be funny? Obviously. I'm in a truck next to me and I hit the brakes and the little fucker falls off the seat. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're, they're relatively not. I mean, people are obviously doing this, but like they're just catching on. And like I saw one in public, I was like, that's the coolest fucking dog I've ever seen in my life. And like I was, I was in the world of, dude, I was in the world, I don't want it to, I want it to have wheels. I just want a dog with wheels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just, they fucking are shrinking these fuckers and supposedly it's bad. Yea dude. Like it's not good the way they're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they do fucking breed, uhm, Chihuahuas and Great Danes. I saw that. That's a wicked dog. Yea. Chihuahuas will attack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought for the longest time how that worked and I just realized, just fucking obviously, male chihuahua.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Female breakdown. Or they just probably just fucking hit him with the jism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, but like obviously you're not putting a Great Dane in a Chihuahua. It's gonna have to be a female Great Dane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That yeaah, that's hilarious. Hodor was a dog name I was thinking about for a while. Randy. Randy'd be nice. Steve?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I mean, where in Ontario are you calling from again? Uh, Kenora. Kenora, oh Husky the Musky.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Husky the Muskie. I love Husky the Muskie. That's on Lake of the Woods, correct?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, you know, I barged into the public access station, uh, I barged into the public access station in Canora, Ontario in 1990.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I dunno, four or something like that. And, uh, they put me on the air and then we just went nuts. Cause you had an amazing program director there who just let me do it. I don't know why, but it was awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you, we're just getting started, you know, we're just getting started with the music. You know, as far as the show, just starting off the show with a little music, you know. So what do you do in Kenora?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. I always think, cause you're so far north in Ontario, I always think, oh, you'd come down to Toronto, but what would you say, is it like a, what would you say, is it like a 16 or 18 hour drive to Toronto from Canora?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two hours north of Thunder Bay, right? Yeaah. Yeaah, that's cool man. Yeaah, Winnipeg's the big city for you. The, the, the hot spot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that's good. That's good. Alright, well thank you man. We'll talk to you later, okay? I got a lot of calls coming in, so I'm gonna have to take as many people as I can. What's your Instagram? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, your girlfriend's Instagram. Okay, well I won't ask you for your girlfriend's Instagram. That would be weird. Alright, talk to you later man, thanks!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bye. Canora, Ontario. And we'll take some more calls. Give me a call right now, the phone's ringing already. Off the hook, off the hook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's pretty cool. I love it. How's everything going in San Diego today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you live in San Diego, you're with a fellow Ottawaan from, uh, from Canada. Your friend is from Canada, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, thank you for checking in. I appreciate it. Keep, keep, keep healthy. Keep that mountain biking going. Uh, do you wear a, do you wear a mask when you mountain bike? Not when I mountain bike, when I'm in a store, definitely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good. Yeah, stay healthy. I've been losing weight since I've been in here. I think I've lost like 15 pounds. Have you been eating good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I've been eating good and I've been eating less and I've been going, I haven't been going out for unhealthy meals, so it's just been a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Healthier food and, uh, I think I've lost 15 pounds since I got in here. So these pandemics, I mean, although they're horrifying, they're not bad for the figure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I haven't even had to mountain bike to lose weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks guys. I appreciate you guys. Thank you. Appreciate it. Be safe out there in San Diego. We got calls coming in. Call me now. We got calls coming in off the hook. Non-stop calls. Hello, you're on the air. Uh, this is Tom Green. What's your name? Bobby. Bobby. Where are you calling from Bobby?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon. That's very cool. And how's everything going in Portland? Are you guys doing okay up there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cool. That's cool. That's a lot of fun. I love that helium club too. You're gonna be kinda like, uh, nearby there. Maybe after my show I could pop by and do a spot over at your club.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rob, how's it spelled? I'll tell everybody right now. Rob what? Rob-o-lo-y. It's R-O-B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll look for that later. I'll, I have it recorded here on the podcast. All right. Thanks, Rob. Appreciate it. Be safe. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Amazing. That's incredible. It's incredible to be doing something like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Creative like that, following your dreams, starting a comedy club. I love it. I love the ambition and the, and the, and the, the willpower to just go for it and do it. It's a tough time to start a business, but you know what? Comedy's gonna come back. We need people like you to keep comedy strong. Thank you, Rob Lowy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys seen those guys? They rock. You'll end up being called like those guys that rock or those dudes or something. Have you seen those dudes? No, no, but you can't call it those guys that rock. It's just like, it's just blank. Like on the, on the album cover or whatever, it's just blank. Cause I love this music. What is it? I don't know, man. It's the band with no name, you know? Know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be great for the online sort of generation we're in, cause when people go to Google you, they're like, uh, uh, no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I tasted that steak, I think I realized I was wrong about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was overcooked. It wasn't overcooked, it was just well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, everybody always goes so hard on the cooking. Everyone's got their opinions. Hello, you're on the air on the Tom Green Podcast. What's your name? Where are you calling from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh nice, Sam from Eugene, that's pretty cool. It's fun when your city has the name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is like a, is a, is a man's name. So, and then your name is a man's name. Uh, so then, or, or a name, a human name. And the city is a human name. So it's like, I'm Sam from Eugene. That'd be like, you know, if Bob was calling from Mark or if Steve was calling from Jason.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is Sam from Eugene. Sam from Eugene, how you doing man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty cool. And, uh, can you believe what's going on in our world? Can you believe it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you do some shipping at your workplace and you work at a shipping place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty cool how that is, huh? You got a lot of little riddles tied up in this conversation. You're sort of putting all these little riddles into this conversation, aren't you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know what? It makes me feel good to hear that because I've actually had a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Person who survived an ordeal like that, because of that it's always...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Makes me feel good that we did that, so I'm glad you're healthy and doing well, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, goodnight you two. We are, uh, making some music here. We're taking some phone calls on the Tom Green podcast. The Tom Green podcast. Hello, you're on the air. Thanks for calling. Where are you calling from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love Orlando. That's pretty cool. Home of the Epcot Center.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know they have a, uh, Chateau Laurier Hotel replica in the Canada exhibit at the Epcot Center, which always makes me feel very proud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely, yeaah. I guess Epcot Center's closed now though, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I see. Well that's pretty cool. Sounds like fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. I can't take that one, Shane, because it doesn't go through my, uh, through my switching board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, what's up? Yo, what's up Shane? We're not working. What's that? What's up man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, you're calling, you're calling on my other line. Let's see if I can get you on the air here. One second here, one second guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, that's fine. The reason it was weird when I answered and I was like the wrong, cause I was, I was, I was live on my Instagram story doing my podcast where I was taking, actually taking calls on my other line. But then I saw you calling Shane. I thought I got to answer Shane's call. So I just stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's amazing. What part of the country are you in? Are you in Arizona, Doug? Yes. You're in Arizona?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Geez, man, that's amazing. How's it out there? Your place looks pretty dope, Doug. I've seen it online. It looks pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sounds like that could be a good time. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's everything, uh, going? How are you handling being off the road right now, Doug and Shane? Are you guys, are you guys...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dealing with this. Well, I talked, I talked to Shane recently. I just talked to Shane a couple of weeks ago on his podcast, but how you doing, Doug?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It instantly becomes old the second that it's, uh, released.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a good party. So Doug, Doug at the Just for Laughs festival being the, the, uh, what, what,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I'm old. Yeah. Well, Doug, man, I, I, maybe, maybe this is the break you need from stand-up, just a self-imposed, like a forced break, and then maybe you'll be itching to get back out there and have a renewed love for the, the craft after this pandemic comes to an end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know what? People like that, though. People like to see the, uh, the fact that you don't love it might also be good. Right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's pretty much like a full time sort of thing right now is just looking after Shane and feeding Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. Make it perfect. Yeah, anything tastes good with butter on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it, man. I'm gonna post this tonight. This entire conversation will be up on my podcast within like two hours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's cool, man. Well, we had a good time hanging out in New York, man. I was sort of, I was so bummed. Obviously, the pandemic happening is a nightmare, but I was really, I was really looking forward to coming back to New York and to going to Skankfest this year. And we had a lot of fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, well, exactly. I mean, if you hadn't cancelled, then, then you wouldn't have had to have cancelled, cause it got cancelled anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, man. Well hey, I'm glad you guys are doing good. This sounds like fun. Sounds like a good way to, you know, isolate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing great. I've just been, I haven't left the house hardly. I've just been isolating here. I've been cooking. Uh, things are going real good. Things are going real good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm just trying to, like, eat healthy. I mean, I'm like, I'm eating a lot of onions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Frying onions, hash browns, I made hash browns for breakfast this morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I like, I slice the potatoes up, then I boil them, then I fry them, uh, then I fry them with some onions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All right, later Shane. Yeah, later Doug. Peace. Be safe. Love you guys. Bye. All right. That's, that's funny. I'm in the middle of doing, uh, the, uh, in the middle of doing the show, uh, on the other phone line. And what happens? The phone rings and it's Doug Stanhope and Shane Gillis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we're back. Sorry about that, guys. On Instagram. I know we disappeared for a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's because my phone was ringing, it was not on Do Not Disturb, and it was the incredible Shane Gillis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't know Shane Gillis, he is an incredible stand-up comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I saw his number calling and so I picked it up and, uh, it was Shane Gillis and Doug Stanhope, both on the phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unfortunately, they were calling on my cell phone, which was also the number that I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the phone that I was streaming with to you guys, so what ended up happening was, uh, the Instagram feed went dead, but I continued recording the podcast, held the phone,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is going to be a fun podcast. We have surprise guests on it and everything. That's so cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope my phone doesn't fall. It looked like it was about to fall there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't be good if that fell because I, uh, I don't want to lose my phone. Alright, let's take a call here. We're back. Hello, you're on the air on the Tom Green podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is this? Well, this is Tom Green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. How often do you eat a mallard duck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you probably will, I just don't think you'll be able to get it here. Uhm, cause this is not, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, give it, give, give the, uh, the number you were trying to call. I think you must have mis-dialed, but I appreciate it. You're on my radio show, and that's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No problem. Good talking to you. Thank you. Very interesting. Very interesting. Hello. You're on the air on the Tom Green podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hi Tom, I love ya. How you doing? I'm doing real good. We had a surprise call from Doug Stanhope and Shane Gillis tonight, which was incredible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and so we took a little pause on the Instagram story stream, but, uh, we're back and, uh, we're recording it all for the Tom Green podcast. Uh, where are you calling from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brampton, Brampton, Bramford, Burlington, yeaah, the Burlington Coat Factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love you too. I love you too. How are you handling this whole pandemic? Are you doing alright?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now describe celery generals to our listeners who don't know what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the way it works is you get a little, make little celery stick figures, uh, with a cherry tomato for head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You play with a friend, you both do it. You throw him out in the middle of the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first guy whose celery stick figure gets run over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, has to go out, pour Newman's own salad dressing on it, and eat it off the pavement. All while avoiding getting hit by a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well thanks for calling, man. Appreciate it. You be safe, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you too, Tom. Can I get a Instagram shout out? Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got it. Alright, thanks man, I'll check it out. Have a good one. Thank you so much. Thank you! Alright, we got calls coming in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've got celebrity guests calling in on the show. What a, what an episode. Hello, you're on the air. Oh, hello. Hello, where are you calling from? Oh, I'm from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cleveland, Ohio. Cleveland, Ohio. I love Cleveland. I come up to Cleveland, uh, every year I perform at Hilarities, one of my favorite comedy clubs in the world, and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Absolutely. Good, good to talk to you. What do you, what do you do up there in Cleveland?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. And is that, uh, closed down now because of, uh, the pandemic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. Okay. Isn't that interesting? Well, that's a good thing. I mean, if you can adapt to this current situation, uh, you know, as everybody has to do, um, then, then that's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm so glad you're doing well. It's important that people eat so you're providing a nice service to the people of Cleveland who, uh, need to eat. Yes. Absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well good, well thanks for calling man, I appreciate it. I'm glad you're doing well. What's your Instagram?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it is, uh, your so-called friend. Your so-called friend. Okay, perfect. I'll tell everybody to follow you, okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was a pretty funny, funny cause, you know, people were pretty upset about that in Cleveland, weren't they, when LeBron James left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. So. Good for you guys. That's great. It's more than most people have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Most, most cities don't have an NBA championship under their belt. You do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, but you got one championship, so that's not too bad. We got one champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's full here. Alright, thanks for calling, man. Appreciate it. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Nice guy. Nice guy. Let's take another one. Hello, you're on the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was a little, it was tough up there in Long Island. I mean, the, uh, you guys had a tough go with this pandemic so far. Is everyone safe that you know? Are you healthy? You're feeling healthy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a scary time for everybody in this country, but up there in New York, you guys are really bearing the brunt of it, so I feel, uh, feel bad for you. What are you doing to stay safe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're praying for you up there in New York, okay? Praying for people all over the country. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wishing you all the best, okay? You be safe, you stay inside. Maybe stay off Tinder for a little while too. Might be a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I haven't gone to the park. I haven't even gone to the park.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thanks for calling. Alright, man. See you later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that was a lot of fun, uh, I enjoyed, uh, taking some calls tonight, and, uh, this has been another episode of the Tom Green Podcast. I, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appreciate everybody calling in. We had a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Surprise guest, Shane Gillis and Doug Stanhope. How cool was that? You never know what's gonna happen around here. And, uh, we're gonna be doing this a lot more in the future, so stay tuned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo Shane, big fan, let's uh, do you remember in Montreal, you don't remember, but we were drinking fucking like Coors Lights all night after you killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I remember you crushing that night, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Third question comes from, uh, Chrissy's Big Butt. Uh, Patreon member Chrissy's Big Butt. He wants to know, uh, he wants to know Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I also think like quickly like it must be just horrible to be in a writer's room and have to worry about your job every five sec. Like people only probably used to do that because they had to or wanted that because they had to because that sounds like a fucking nightmare.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, next question, Yanni, you wanna ask it? Yeah, sure, next question. From Chrissy Leake on the Greek Squeaks Cheeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now this one sounds like a little insight, you got a real fan of yours here who says Shane on episode 49 of Matt and Shane's secret podcast, which by the way, check out, that's Shane's podcast, you mentioned that you wrote a poem for an ex-girlfriend in college.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, now we go to the round three here. Okay, go ahead, start off, be honest. So round three, this is the Poughkeepsie wild, these are the questions, you know, like we said, feel free to pass on anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay Venishi, let me sit in your lappy while you bang me with a strappy yabara. Again, this kid had some good questions, uh, cause he got picked twice. What word would you use to refer to a weak spot in a figurative suit of armor and why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Okay, here we go. If you had to perform for King John Ohm and make him smile or everyone in comedy dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, and he picked you because he loves you, he's a big fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How about the show? What was it like in the venue? Was it outdoor? Bring your own lawn chair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was at the 28 days news blackout and for a while we were cutting a chunk of Doug's hair out every night until it got just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And they're on the East coast. So you, you basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, it's me, Brett Erickson, from the Issues with Andy podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we love you Killer Termites and we hope you'll tune in and, uh, check us Issues with Andy on, uh, YouTube. Yeah, it's not a podcast, right? Isn't it a vod-vodcast? You're right. For once, Andy, you're right. It's a vodcast, which means it's a podcast fueled by vodka.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you love the shit you're getting here on the Doug Stanhope podcast, get more shit with us on Issues with Andy on YouTube every Friday. Andy, yeah, well you keep listening and watching or however you do it and we'll keep shitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend, uh, Matt McCusker had an idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt McCusker had an idea for a website and it's called, uh, Irish or Retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like any, yeah, ISIS has, that's like their best thing. It's good fucking quality. They've got good production and that's what- 100%. Trump took them down. That's our president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You drove past to get to the airport. She tries to tell people Princeton, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Meager. Meager. Thomas Meager. Meager. Meager. You're getting close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they don't use the cast at all, really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, man. Fuckin'. Yeah, I didn't, you know. Yeah. It's a good show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think, I think they're, I don't think, I don't think the cancel shit's going anywhere. I think, I think it is. They would have to take a pretty big risk to throw me on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Trump is probably going to win, then we're just stuck with four more years of what we have right now of people, well not just SNL, but just overall the culture being like, we need to shut this down.


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[Assistant] All the cool kids, all the cool kids in New York, they're gonna have to start getting some real fucking jobs.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, with the Kevin Hart thing that's funny about that, he had that in 2010 or whatever. I don't even think Hillary Clinton was pro gay marriage at that point. And they wanted her to be the fucking president. And he can't, you know, it's just wild. That is the definition of wild.


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[Assistant] True. He also got those charges dropped too. Chicago dropped those charges, which is also very weird.


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[Assistant] But, but, yeah, my agency kept Jussie Smollett and dropped me.


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[Assistant] I don't like them. Yeah, weird and they're just mean beanie heads.


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[Assistant] Oh, dude, I know this is a little off topic, but I was watching, uh, there's a show on, I think it's on Amazon or Netflix or something, it's called Lady Boys.


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[Assistant] And dude, this dad, this dad moves to Thailand, marries a ladyboy, and then he abandoned his family. He hadn't seen his family in like three years. Sick. Baller. Baller fucking moved. Just moves in with a ladyboy. And then brings his son down to introduce him to the ladyboys. It's a great episode. It's just British people talking like,


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[Assistant] Check out ladyboys. Yeah, some of them are hot. I mean they really are, they really trick you a little bit. And also ladyboys, which I think I got in trouble for using that term. Why? I don't know, I guess you're not supposed to say ladyboys.


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[Assistant] They're literally called, they're literally, that's what they're referred to as, as ladyboys. They refer, they're like, I am ladyboy.


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[Assistant] You're a hypocrite, kid. Also, if you go through his tweets, it's also, I mean, this isn't an original idea, but I don't know if I want to name the guy I was talking about, but uh, just...


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[Assistant] This is the same guy that'll be like, fuck the police every single day. He's like, I'm a communist, I hate police. There should be no police. He gets in an altercation at a comedy club and goes straight to the police. What a fucking pussy. It's fucking crazy.


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[Assistant] Also, we can't, it's tough for us to complain that there's pussies around us when we chose to be fucking comics. Yea, we're the biggest pussies. We did pick a field of pussies.


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[Assistant] I just like that, uh, you know, he was like early in his life, so he was born rich.


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[Assistant] I mean, almost everything he did was kind of a failure. Thomas Marr. Uh, like everything.


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[Assistant] The rebellion sucked, then he got sent down to fuckin' Tasmania, he got transported. Well first he was sentenced to death, then he gave a fuckin' speech that was pretty sick about like, fuck you guys, kill me.


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[Assistant] Which was pretty nice. That was what I liked about him. He, like, wanted to be a martyr. And then, uh, got sent down to fuckin' Tasmania. Then known as Van Diemen's Land.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they changed it to Tasmania because they were embarrassed that there used to be a penal colony.


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[Assistant] Van demons land. Used to be Tasmania. He got sent, he got exiled down there. And then he fucking escaped.


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[Assistant] First off, he fucking got married down there. Sick. Ladyboy. To a Tasmanian ladyboy? Nice Tasmanian lady. And then he was like, uh, she got pregnant and he was like, babe, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Was it Chrissy? I gotta continue the rebellion.


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[Assistant] He was just like, I'll see the baby in like two years, you guys get it, I gotta go, continue the rebellion. And he escaped to America, and uh, the kid actually died, so he never met that kid.


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[Assistant] Sick. A lot of kids just died back then. He was getting good letters. He was getting letters from back like his wife. And then I think she died too. He was just getting a letter everywhere he went. Did the squeak survive? The kids didn't survive.


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[Assistant] But yea, just wild shit went on though, like it's crazy, like the one, his side piece back in Ireland ended up giving birth to, fuck it, it was...


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[Assistant] Oscar Wilde's mom used to be- Wait, what? Explain that. Uh, when he was with, they were called the Young Irelanders, or Young Ireland, there was a group of like these rebels- Go Islanders. They were all like poets and journalists.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she ended up giving birth to, she, when he got exiled, she married some dude and gave birth to, like, an Oscar Wilde. You ever notice? That's nuts! Does Oscar Wilde know that? He also invented the Irish flag, just while he was, it's crazy. Thomas More invented the


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[Assistant] Yeah. And then they end up exiling him because his story was huge. So what happened? All because of the speech. All because of the speech he got. Not because of his speech. He was just kind of a celebrity. He was like, well like,


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[Assistant] I mean, it has to be more political than that. Yeah, it was other countries, like the United States Congress was like...


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[Assistant] They put out like, you know, measures and shit to be like, hey, don't fucking do this. Can't kill this guy. Because back then England would also, I mean the, the, the penalty for treason is like you get drawn and quartered.


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[Assistant] Right. And they were doing that late. Like late into history, they were still cutting people up and throwing their shit around. That's, that's brutes. That's what happened. So the rest of the world was like, aren't you guys supposed to be like the leaders of the world in your...


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[Assistant] Kinda like the way Texas executes retarded guys. Do they do that still? Yea, I think they're still up to that.


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[Assistant] I think it was Victoria. Queen Victoria, no fumes. I think she was hot. She was considered decent. Oh really? She was young too. She was decent. That's why she sent him out. She didn't want to execute.


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[Assistant] Hot chicks don't. They think Queen Elizabeth the first was a potential ladyboy. There's rumors. Look at how hot Victoria was. Oh yea, shade.


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[Assistant] You gotta stay there, but also this is how they did it back then, they were like, you gotta give us your fucking word, you're not gonna leave. And he was like, alright.


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[Assistant] But there's food and stuff for him. Oh yea, he had a huge pot of land that he could live on. So then what happens then?


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[Assistant] A couple of broads. Banks and broads. Thinks she was 18. Gets kids. Sick. Yea. Sick. All legal. Very legal. Kid was legal.


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[Assistant] And then he, you know, he, the escape's crazy. He meets with these two like fucking idiot brothers in the north of Tasmania and they build him like a shitty raft to escape into this like shipping lane to this deserted island.


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[Assistant] And, uh, the guys are like just fucking hitting sharks the whole way out. There's like sharks everywhere. These dudes are fighting them. And then they get to this island and there's like a dog on the island, like a stray dog was just, and the brothers were horrified. They're like, that's a fucking pirate ghost.


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[Assistant] We gotta get the fuck outta here. That's a fuckin' dingo. That's a pirate ghost, dude. It probably was. Yeah. But, uh.


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[Assistant] They, they got the fuck out of there, cause he ran out of food, cause back then like planning an escape was like impossible. Right. He was writing letters to New York, then being sent to Ireland to his dad.


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[Assistant] It was, I mean, it took like four months to get a letter, non-stop. So, I mean, the plan was crazy to just meet up with a ship.


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[Assistant] I mean, I'm sure they paid people off. Yeah, I mean like the folklore of him. He was like a potato farmer. Everybody on the island loved him because they were all convicts too.


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[Assistant] Would you like a water? We got water. It's water. No, I say water.


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[Assistant] Gets into, gets into, well actually I was wrong about that. He sailed up, they went, uh, around South America. Okay. Lands in, uh, like Brazil.


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[Assistant] How long does this take? Months? Six months. Jesus. At least, yea. And then, he gets off that boat, cause that boat goes to England, cause it was a wool trading ship, and he gets on just a regular ship. If he would have gone on that English boat, he's fucked. He would have got his fucking head cut off. He would have been ripped apart by horses or something.


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[Assistant] To California. No, this time to New York. He went straight to New York. So he's in New York. He's chilling around here, actually. He lived around here. In the West Village. Yea, yea, yea. He definitely would have done open mics if he was 29. No, he lived down in...