[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't translate really into anything. Dan, that's a deleteable tweet. What is it? Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was this in Starbucks? What was the first draft? Like, there's an inverse popu- there's an inverse thing with black- no, there's an inverse thing with black- no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you got more, you know, it added to your, uh, it added to like the illusory economy of fucking clicks and lit up buttons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Likes on Twitter are like dog years. So where it's like 7 likes to 50 likes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm prejudiced against, when I see white people entering the dog park with like a lab, like a couple, I'm like, pussies. I always in my head, I'm like, yeaah. Cause whenever it's like, my dogs are in there fucking scrapping dude, so like, I see them come in and I just go, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, found that out. Is it E.I. by Nelly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is it? I don't remember. It was on the, uh, fuck, what was that thing that was the Def Jam 25 year anniversary thing? They sing the black national anthem. And I looked at Brittany and I was like, what's that? She's like, yeah, we used to say in school, you did the national anthem, you did one other thing, then you sang the black national anthem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, why do they, why do they, why do they pick her of all people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched this thing the other day on uhm, Angela Davis. There was a thing about like Malcolm X and apparently he got killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did she do again? She supplied weapons. Let me find out here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there was a thing on Malcolm X where he, you know, he got murdered and they said he got murdered by the Muslim Brotherhood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that was like, everyone was like, well, white people killed Malcolm, Malcolm X, but the Muslim Brotherhood killed him. Yea, of course. But, not too long before he died, he had, uh, who the fuck was the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just talked about this guy the other day, Gaddafi. Gaddafi was like people, he from Libya, he was like on the People's Champ and he tried to start an insurgency in America with black people being like, I'll give you guys guns, fuck the white man. Yeah. He was, they were, they were, so they'd be in like, uh, like the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Muslim brotherhood and they'd bring in a TV and they'd beam in fucking Gaddafi. Gaddafi did that? He was light skinned. I know, but he was just like, he was an Arabic. He was like, I'm a freedom fighter, dude. Cause he went, he lived in. Arabs don't really respect black people. Yeah, but Gaddafi, he's also, he's a politician. He lived in London and he felt like everyone slighted him. So he was like, fuck white people. And he went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And was linking up with these muslim brotherhood dudes, like, I'll get you guns, rise up against white people in America and fuck them up. So Malcolm X, like when they were like, you know, like, why do they fucking want to kill him? He was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were having meetings like, yo, this guy will arm us, fuck these guys, rise up, and then he came back and was like, I'm not really with that Muslim Brotherhood shit, and the Muslim Brotherhood apparently killed him. Which is why, I'm sure there's tons of conspiracies about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Maybe they're trying to pin it on her, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They should put that in. Just to add to the completeness of the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and if your basic goal, that's the other thing that cracks me up, when it's like, your basic goal is to feed your family, it's like, there's a lot of lesser crimes you can do. You don't gotta fucking rob an armored truck, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick, you're working on your racial sympathies. What do you mean? You're trying to just knock off your fucking prejudice behavior. No, I'm not, I'm not trying to do that. You've been definitely placing them all on me. No, I was just, I was just pointing out what you've done. You've been projecting, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling me that stuff about like black people and pimples and getting me into really bad situations where I had to f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, so dude, you wanna talk about dogs? You wanna talk about go down south, all the fucking bad dogs are raised by shitty white people who are poor, and they tie dogs to a pole, and they eat them, and they just fucking are horrible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually thinking that I was, uh, I might just become a Shane Gillis impersonator and whatever dates you can't do, I'm just going to memorize all your jokes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Hire me as your double dude. It's Sudan, Sudan Hussein hires like a double to give speeches. If you just can't do a gig, be like, I'll be there. And I'll just roll up and just be like, just do all your shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way that's real. There's, there's one way to take the wind out of my sails. It's like right before I go on back, oh, just try to keep it a little, you know. Be clean. Little clean. Oh. Cause it's like, what the fuck does that entail? And then you were clean and then the headliner comes out and it's dirty and you're like, I didn't have to be clean. Yeah. There's nothing worse than that, dude. That's literally the worst.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. I did an Armenian church, dude. And I said the word booty. And I came off my lips and I was just like, and a bunch of fucking weird Armenians were looking at me and I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's definitely, that's definitely the punchline before the joke and they're like, how can I say this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Certain dude, certain, if you're goalie enough, like if you're like a white guy from like Kensington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You shouldn't be saying that dude. It's true, how it comes off the tongue man is kinda weird. So I know white guys who would say it and I'd be like, that seemed kinda normal. So you did pretty good with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where like, if I try to slip that into a casual conversation, it would just, everyone on the bus would be like, yo bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a nazi, I've just been speaking the truth. You fucking nazi pig bitch. You fucking asshole. Oh my god. We're gonna purify your heart, dude. My heart is as pure as it gets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Pure white, dude. Pure as the driven snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, we all got a little Voldemort in us, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Episode 75 with special guest Adam Zeldes. What up dude? What's up guys? Adam, how do you feel man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, or you just let your, yea I guess you, or like put it over her. Just like make a little secret tent, a little secret tent dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like the dude from Thor, fucking Idris Elba dude at the fucking gate with the thing. Have you guys ever seen that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's a good, it's a flattering character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Even though, you know, they kinda, on rat, on uh, they, this is their idea, right? This old cut and the dong thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're saying this was an anti-masturbation measure?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre pews, pre pews is the covering of the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a long game dude. It's a marathon. I'll tell you man, I put that thing on only for like a month now and I still take it off every now and again when it gets hot out I get worried because I'm recovering from a hard dick rash so I'm like I don't want this thing again but I'll put it on after like you take it off I'll walk around my sweatpants and I'm like oh god damn it, it is, it's too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, god damn, if you wear this thing, that's why they're like, just keep with it, keep with it. Once you wear it, you're like, I can't take this thing off now because it feels fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking earlier about my dogs. I'm like, man, imagine if you cut the skin off my dog's dick, dude. It's just like, it should always be away. I see that thing. I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that's the pitch, he's like, it's old as fuck, so. We're doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, dude. It's brutal. First of all, in, first of all, he has surprisingly big balls. You see his balls, they're fucking, they're big. Yeah, he was a cute kid too. He was sitting there, he was so nice, he was smiling at the beginning. Jesus fuck, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He has this little baby dick and they induce a boner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which, did the doctor give him a boner? Like, what's your options in that? As baby Benjamin, your first choice is, you want this doctor giving you a boner or your mom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, he was, so then the doctor gives him this horrific needle, the needle too was fucking huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause when you, you know, when you hit your dick, luckily the good doctor left me a little bit of foreskin. So I've seen him where they're just drawn back tight all day, like a loaded fucking gun all the time. I got a little bit, the guy, thank god, left me a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I just thought it was like you had a little more than that and they just came around like snips. I had a, I imagine it as like a little thing that went over your dick and went zoop and then it came off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is, well my thing is, my girlfriend's always like, nah nah nah, I'm not doing it blah blah blah. There are a lot of girls who are like, it looks weird. Maybe girls can't deal with the fact that their dad's dicks aren't the ideal dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, there's a lot of girls perpetuating this, and who is the guy, guys don't care about their dicks, if it's like, if a girl is like, no it looks cool, you're like, my dick's cool, sick. As soon as a girl's like, I don't like that, you're just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're gonna, yeaah, they're gonna feel that extra index card too and be like, alright, I was wrong, my bad. So that, so our son's dicks are like our version of our abortion. So if a girl's pressuring you, you could be like, hold on babe, my body, my choice. My son's dick, my choice. That's fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That has to fuck you up as a baby. Yeaah. Cause then you come back and you're just like, what the fuck was that? I, I, I bet it doesn't. I, I can't, well, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're, so you're, I think amygdala is what processes like threat and fear and your hippocampus is like what regulates emotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you have something like real funny you lose or something really fucked up happens to you, your amygdala shrinks and your hippocampus, or your amygdala grows and your hippocampus shrinks. And with time, your hippocampus, if everything gets normal again, your hippocampus can grow back to normal size, but your amygdala never shrinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother showed me the website of foreskin restoration like a year and a half ago and I was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why can't you just have it where it's like, if you want it, you can get it when you're 16. Right. So you don't have to do it with the babies. Right, yeaah. Seems like something like, almost like if it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude, even uh, Dairy Queen was talking about that. You're fucking, you're fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, you can just make bigger, well, how is, I wonder how you wear a condom when you have foreskin. I feel like that would just be like, I'm not wearing this fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is good dick talk. Why doesn't fucking, uh, Bill Gates just make bigger fucking condoms for Africa? Yea, I know. We roll out a fucking Durex, dude. You're like, no way this thing's flying in the Sub-Saharan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't have to be just for gay guys. I actually knew an African guy who used to do that tactic with antibiotics. He would swallow antibiotics and then have sex without a condom. It takes it all away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, I, I, I always been hitting him with ideas. I'm like, I was like, you shouldn't make boxers that just have a built in sleeve that you just slide right into. That way it's all one thing. You just chuck them on. He was like, yeah, I'll, I'll hit him with my advertising guy. Like he has like guys, technically, where he has my advertising guy, got this and that. These dudes make fucking money, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fold your foreskin down, wrap this thing around real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm, I'm for the people, dude. I'm just saying it's tough. It's tough to do. So you can still wear it for sensitivity and then it also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jelking's the, it's like a, no it's not, it's an Arabian, Jelking's an Arabian word for milking I think, and it's like you squeeze the base of, you don't want to be too hard, but the harder you are, the more it works your girth, and the softer you are, the more it works your length, and you just squeeze like you're milking an udder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just alternating hands like that, and you can only do like, you know, so many digs, you can bust a blood capillary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if I'm joking, if I'm Andre's method for sensitivity and wearing my manhood just for, wearing the manhood makes your flaccid fucking, just your flaccid don't look alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, Randy would be, dude, I'll tell you what about Randy, dude. I don't think he really, I think he has enough money. He, dude, Randy, if, if all, everyone had their foreskins, I would say Randy would be happy to just close up shop, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That scared me, dude. When I first sent me a couple and I'm like, dude, I'm gonna cut the blood circulation off. That's why it's very important to get one big enough. And don't fucking, you know what I'm saying, big enough. But don't sell yourself. I was like, I obviously have the smallest one. And I put it on and was like, this is fucking uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine if someone like snatched your girlfriend's purse and you had to like run after them and you're like, oh god I fucking this thing bobbing my dick down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm so hyped now to have a new weekly project. To start restoring my foreskin to the Andre method.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think she does here and there cause she's like said shit before that I've been like, we were broken up and she like, I would like get on here while we broke up and talk about other girls. And she's like, so what about blah blah blah and say her name? And I'd be like, how the fuck do you know about her? So she might pop in every now and again. Just keep me honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you can just set your water consumption, there's things like, there's things that have like, like a water ticker, it's like, if you want to drink a certain amount of water, you just go and set it, I can just set it, and they go, what's that, I gotta drink some water, I gotta go to the bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you tugging now? No, I'm pretending to tug. I'm getting the motion down. Yea, he's getting the muscle memory. That's actually a nice pec workout dude. My pecs are gonna be huge. I can feel my dick. This is gonna be awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get a follow out. My body's a ball of clay, dude. It's totally malleable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, you're already fuckin', so anymore it's like- What are you, a Nazi? Yea, you get lumped into fuckin' shit anymore and it's like, god damn- I like, for three days later was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Braille Boy, fuck you, what the fuck is that? So mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then when you survive that, you gotta come back and be like... You gotta talk to your girlfriend on the phone for five minutes. Yeah, she's like, my fucking camp, I have a shin splint from running.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he was part of like a, no, one of his books got banned from like some school board and then he wrote a letter to like the guy who was responsible for banning his book and just completely called him a pussy. Nice. Really funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Oh, for Fahrenheit 451? I, I ducked out. When I was in high school, I didn't really...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always liked reading, but in high school I was like, fuck school and I didn't read a lot of books. I was like, I'm not doing this. And then I remember they gave me Mark Tw- or Huckleberry Finn and I'm like, I was suspended. I took the rap for someone else's alcohol in high school, got paid 300 bucks. I got suspended and all I could do is work at the candy stand I worked at. So I started actually reading for school and I'm like, I like books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Reading. When this was in the 50s? Damn, this was like, dude, sci-fi book predictions might be one of my favorite things next to fucking DIY dick adjustment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm fucking mad right now man, the fucking, the lady that I hired to do the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Copyediting, dropped the fucking ball. Found two typos. Pissed him the fuck off. So people already have it, you know what I mean? So I can't take it back. But, it happens to all the greats, dude. Rare edition typo, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I go back to the thing, I type up, as you can upload it and like fix it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, alright, it's only one. I found another and I'm like, you didn't find it. I see it. I'm like, I was so fucking mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of people are getting it, yea, but I also put it out for free yesterday. I, dude, if you ever release a book on Kindle, I'm such a fucking idiot, I didn't, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed, there's like so much shit you're supposed to do before. Like you go out and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first two days, put it out for free. Just put it out for free, cause once, let's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That first day if I'd put it out for free, it would've been, a lot of people would've gotten it and, you know, whatever. And then once...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's free, it's still a sale technically. So if you have a lot of people getting it for free and Amazon sees that, they'll put you in the marketplace to where you're on like the front thing of each section or whatever. So that actually helps. I was just like, I put it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next day, I like, people bought it. I'm like, oh, here it is for free. And people are like, what the fuck, dude? So I did that. I didn't. And then what you can do too is while you're writing your book, you can through Amazon print it out, like an actual hard copy book and just give it out to people and let them read. Cause like reading proofreading on a computer screen versus hard copy print are two very different things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you're ever doing that, print it out for us and just, you can give books for like four bucks to different people. Nice. And make them think, here's what I found. You're like, sweet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got in a beef on reddit. I got in a beef on reddit. Some guy was starting shit with me. What was he saying? So I was putting it down in the writing thing, like, you know, get a free copy and uh, they were like, why didn't you traditionally publish? I was like, it just got, it got rejected. People were like, strong writing, but not our genre or whatever. The one guy was like, I don't know about strong writing. And I was just like, dude, it was a kill bill. I saw red. I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I kept it cool though. I was just like, alright man, what's your, you know, what's your beef unless you're being like a dick just to be a dick. And he was like, no, no, no, just this one phrase I didn't like. And it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three years. Oh shit. That's another thing too, when you put three years into something, they're like, yeah, this kinda sucks, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a lot. It is, it's one of those things too though. It's like, it's not, I don't think it's like awesome cause it's like, you know, it takes forever to learn how to do that. Yeah. Like dude, I read the first draft of what I did and compare it to it. I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. It was so bad. It's like your first, first set. It is man. It is. But it stays forever. It's alright. I'm happy with it. I'm happy with it now and I don't care even if, just finishing it I'm happy. You should be fucking proud of that dude. You wrote a book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, trust me, from now on, if you're doing it, I learned so, this is how I learned, you just release it, look at your book, and then, unless you're like a fucking idiot, you just release it right away and Amazon's got my back. It's like, you gotta just release it to yourself and two friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, so now you're saying that it's dropped to 50%. That's interesting, because I didn't think it dropped at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That counts as totally fucking it up, by the way. I'm not going for total dick decapitation. I'm talking like, how many of these are so fucked up that it calls- I guess like you're saying, you don't know because guys gotta keep quiet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you're a baby, they're like, oh yea dude, you need to get your hog sliced. They're like fucking, here's 400 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if you want, I'll fucking gladly cut it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They don't really think outside the box very much either. I've always like brought up nutritional theories to them and they're just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a, uh, I had, I have a sinus, I have a sinus arrhythmia and sort of like my heart, when I breathe in, no, I went and got it, cardiologist, when I breathe, when I breathe in, it affects my heart. Like when you breathe in, your heart rate speeds up and you breathe out, it slows down. And usually as like time that goes, that goes away in extreme athletes and younger kids. Mine doesn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No problem. I told you the doctor, the doctor gave me, he left me a fucking little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea man, he left me a little something. But yea, it's, it's not go to, you chuck some lube on it and now you're in, you're in fucking business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't cut your fucking sons. Also, your BBC thing. You were on BBC? Oh yea, I was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. I told you not to turn around and look at Gamora. Sorry about your wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when I would talk about joking, they're like, dude, what the fuck? Why would you like people go to the gym all the time? It's like, why not fucking do some workouts for your dick, dude? I don't know you do that. It's like, well, what if you did?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it like, do you get like real luscious skin or is it like thin drapey fucking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to fucking weirdly go into Walmart bathrooms, and be like, I'll be right back, I gotta fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well at least Shane has a sense of humor. How does like an average, non-sense of humor dude respond to this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't my best. I watched the video though and I'll say I laughed at myself. I thought you were hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girl who said she was the copy editor, who said Ivy league educated, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God fucking dammit dude, I, I sent her a scathing email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is in all caps. But yeaah, uh, whatever. Water under the bridge. I'm so fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to the prologue. Yeah. So, uh, episode 77. Yup. Me and Matt recorded this for a minute for 27 minutes. Yes. And about half hour into our podcast we realized that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We weren't using the microphones, we were just talking into the laptop. Yeah, common mistake. Pretty amateur mistake from my co-host here, he really shit the bed on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The sound guy shit the bed. Uh, but how far in do you think it is? Like 27 minutes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you think, if the audio is too much for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The people can handle it. The episode, it was really funny and, uh, we're back on our bullshit with the Asian voice. Heavy in this. Heavy Asian voice. So, uh, enjoy the episodes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what happens. If I get weed, weed got me in me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just, that just means so much to me. It makes me so happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dreams are not meant to be shared. Yea, they are. No, they make no sense. Dude, they do. So like, you finished this, I, that, like, that probably had a profound effect on you, that dream, because you were in it. Of course. You were in it too. But that has nothing to, like, I can't, there's nothing to it. I thought, I thought I'd forgotten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lady last night. Really? Yea. It's a mystery woman. And then I woke up and I couldn't remember who it was. Sometimes they're just mystery people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's cause I jerked off before bed. You did? Right before bed and went to sleep. I think I had some residue still left in the chamber. Uh. Got me fired up. You had a wetster?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so I dreamt of, uh, banging some lady. But I'll tell you how I really screwed up, is my bae, she's, she's said she's been feeling stressed lately, she's having a rough week, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, she sent me this nice long text message before bed, and it was like, set, write me something back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd rather watch Natasha Ligero and Moshe Cashier's Netflix.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, what was it? It was like abortion into... she's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Classic misdirection. She's like, it's so powerful to have a human, like, I'm creating life in my body. And also, I don't want to get too choked up when I say this, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be five months until I can do another drug. Ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like they googled, like, what is an American, like an outfit.


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[Assistant] And they're just trying, they're literally just trying clothes on for the first time. Like trying to pass it off, which those guys are great. Great. Give me some Asians. Give me some fresh ones. I like my, I like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They carjacked an asian... A fast and furious car? No. Okay. He's super asian from China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gotcha. And there's one part where Wohlberg, they like, they recreate the, they have this,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another great part, as soon as Mark Wahlberg of course goes to meet the Asian man at the gas station, the Asian boy who was heroically escaped, and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, wait, they told you they were the marathon bombers? And he's like, yes. And they're also using my GPS, which...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tracking number is three, seven, five, eight, six, two, seven. And he's like, how do you know that? He's like, I don't know, I just know it. What? Yeah, it's classic Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit dude. He's an autistic the whole time and you can't tell because he's Asian. Really? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not Indian, uhm, basically Russian dude. Oh, you told me that, they were like, fuck


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll let you down. They're different. They're different than us. I'll tell you that. They don't look like us, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It was fucking weird, dude. Yeah, well that explains why he was criticizing people's books on Reddit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not like, famous books, he's just shitting on- He's being a dick, that's what I said, I'm like, where are you- Stranger's books.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He ran into a pedophile, he sent, he emailed you his book. He might want to contact somebody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's, uh, that's a pedophile who's... I mean, it's better than fucking kids, but... Sure that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying. So it's like, I mean, I guess you can write this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yeah, I guess you could write child.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're going to be brought into this channel. I know. Yeah, you might not want to email this guy back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be nice. I'm on it. This, he's gonna get him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's an odd loophole. Can you write, can you write child porn? I think you can. Yeah, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's victimless. Child porn is not illegal because it's gross. It's illegal because it's hurting a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There it is. My take on child porn is if the kid's already been damaged, you might as well get some nuts out of this. You think so? I think people should be able to jerk off to child porn. Of course not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When people are like, yeah, I'm like pretty poly. Like I'm very open sexually. It's like, I bet you're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that fucked up? That's a bad, that's not a, you're not together, you're just, that's, now you're a swinger. Pretty much, yea you're right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I don't- I don't fuck with those on Reddit. There's like- I love reading them, dude. There's like stories on there of like, there's one that's like the feminist one, I think it's- what's- what's it? Two X chromosomes? I think so, yeaah. Is that what it is to be a female? I think so, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of them's Down syndrome and one of them's retarded, I don't know, yeaah. But, uh, it's all like females.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, it's chicks, like, cheering each other on for having abortions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it just, it weirds me out. It weirds me. It's like I get, I do understand the point of like people needing support who go through that. Cause obviously it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're all, cause alright, so if you're getting on Reddit and messaging in a feminist blog,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chances are you have the financial means to raise a kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're that much of like a woke, if you're a woke feminist, if you're a woke feminist, you probably came from a pretty privileged life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So. Yeah. You had enough money to go to fucking. At least. Susquehanna University.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, so these are all just abortions that are like, I wanted to pursue my life and dreams, so I couldn't, I had to abort this baby. And they're like, you go girl, get rid of that fucking baby. Ew man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, I don't read that. I read relationships. I'm like, should I be, it's like the liberal, the correct progressive thing to be like, yeah, it's your body girl. If you want to keep being an improv chick, then yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so. But here's one that fucked me up. This is a story...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the first time I heard it, I was driving and this, this affected me. I don't know if I told you this, you know the movie Milo and Otis?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so it was like my favorite movie as a little kid. It's about a pug puppy and a kitten.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds great. Yeah, and it's just a British voiceover, a narrator, and this pug puppy and a kitten are on this magical adventure. And it turns out, did you just fart?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It turns out that, like there's one scene where they're both in a box going down a river.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's one scene where the kitten's about to get attacked by a bear and the pug chases it away. Sounds great. This is all real animals. Yea yea, of course. This isn't like a cartoon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Except the news that I was told by Legion of Skanks podcast was that these animals were all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, dude, so they were just like, a frover dog at a bear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And as soon as it- Took like 30 times for the, for the bear to finally run away, but it had to kill like 30 pug puppies. Holy fuck. And then they drowned a bunch of times in the box apparently.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I heard that, that fucking bothered me tremendously. Holy shit, man. But yeah, that's, we're not breaking news here on this story, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just think of those Japanese bu-business, man.


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[Assistant] And it's just a cat looking at like a dandelion. But death lurks everywhere. And then they would die constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe, maybe it got hit in the face. Couple spirals. Maybe they had a kid in there that was lacing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I mean, it might have been Milo and Otis. No, it was like a retriever looking dog. Maybe it was homeward bound. They had some dog action going there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's really shitty. Yeah, didn't Chance get hit with a bunch of porcupine? Needles? Quills? Ooh, he did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's times where I'm high where I'm just like, man, I can't wait for this to be over. I cannot wait for tomorrow. And just go to bed, dude. This sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you're driving while you're intoxicated. So yea, it is, it is. That true that. I slept in my car this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Pretty badass move. I was in DC on Friday at the DC Comedy Festival. Check it out. You get a chance. But, uh, I was driving back from DC. It was late. And I was like, I'll just take a... I was falling asleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This fucking sucks, dude. It sucks so bad. It's so stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I could feel myself falling asleep again. I was driving and I was like, dude, I gotta, I gotta pull over. You had flashbacks of the fucking media. I'll never do that again. That was so dumb. So I pulled over. I got off this exit and it was a bunch of hotels. So I was like, nice. I can just, you know, take a quick nap in someone's parking lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No harm? It was like 3am, I was like, this will be a quick nap. I'll set my alarm for 2 hours. Take a 2 hour nap, get back on the road. I woke up at fucking like 11am. I woke up at 10.30am. I just slept for like 7 hours in my car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean I definitely did that for a second, but it was also like, I mean that was a long sleep. That is a long sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well imagine being 30 sleeping in a Denny's parking lot on the way back from the DC Comedy Fest. Yeah, I mean that was, that was a low point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although I handled it well. I would have thought I would have been a lot more depressed and anxious about that ordeal. Well, you got a good sleep. I got a nice sleep, woke up, got some Denny's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took a dump at a Denny's. You did the right thing. Got some coffee, some fucking pancakes. It was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's road life dude. That's road dogging. Exactly. But I did not intend to sleep for seven hours. That was... That is fucking fun. I mean that was a full sleep. That's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was, and the whole time I was just waiting for the Indian that owned that hotel to come out and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know you got a lot of stuff to do today. Yea, let's cut it dude. You wanna call it? Let's call it. Alright, sooo, yea let's, oh, April 25th. Yo, that's a big one. Come to helium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a week from today. April 25th, helium comedy club. Please come to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sterling Pig and Media PA come through, dude. More importantly, the 25th come to Helium. Uhm, that's it. Hopefully the audio wasn't too shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go with my gut. Go with my gut. Dude. I go with my gut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's that going? How's your dealings with, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah. Sent you an email of a crying baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is a weird fellowship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I wanted to hear about it. I actually called you a couple of times checking in, like are you wearing your hood, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So. Okay, the most gets is just some, some body, some body wash in the shower. Good God. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna have to come up with a... Dude, what's his name? Not his full name. Randy. Randy? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Randy, if you're listening to this, you gotta really get a prototype for guys with small dicks. He's gotta be working day and night on that. That's gotta be his number one priority in the lab right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Small dicks, I mean, dude. How to help, I mean, just because you have a small dick doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the pleasure of having an incredibly soft penis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last thing I need is some fuckin' weird lookin' one minute fuckin' dong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you launch right away. You have an ugly dick and you cum quick. That's why uncircumcised dudes are fucking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. Dude, what the fuck. That's a good bible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, did I tell you my, uh, my cousin's husband texted me? Yeah. And was like, dude, uh, just wondering like what cousin are you talking about? Dude, don't worry. I'm not serious. I'm not trying to fuck my cousins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is exactly what Jordan Peterson's talking about when he's talking about how these stories are instilled in our souls. Look at this, 3,000, 2,000 years later, you and me are still sitting here like, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish somebody, I wish God would give me a sign so I could go fuck my cousin.


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[Assistant] Damn. You've been fucking assholes. You sound like a Republican, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here we are. Now you're, now you're annoying animals. That's your thing this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and O'Leary were watching, I went over to O'Leary's house for dinner on Friday, and we spent a lot of time watching your YouTube videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russian or black church conspiracy should have won. The best is when, uh, you're like, and then not the first lady, but the second lady, whatever name is Pence chucked up a fat Nazi salute. And Mike Pence was like, chill, babe, chill, chill, chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing my marriage. Did that, and then, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think I did anything. Were you showless? I was showless this weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just a fucking psycho. If I don't have a show, I'm a fucking psycho mentally. I'm just, I was talking to, I was talking to Blizz about this. It's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally the only thing I think about, cause I don't have a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It's literally all day every day. That's the only fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All I look at is Facebook. I just get on Facebook and look at other comics. Then I get on Instagram and look at other comics. Get on Twitter, other comics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uhm, but then, uh, yeah, hung out with my chick, hung out with, uh, oh, on, on Sunday I went and day drank with my dad at the Elks. Nice. That was nice. How was that? Got to see his world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy. It was just me and him and like seven other old people at this bar. They're all old as shit. Just at the Elks. Just drinking it up. He's like, Shane, look at these TVs. I got everything. I got all the sports packages. Beer's cheap as hell. This is it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's weird. It sucks, yeaah, it sucks. Just sitting there only thinking about, like, again, when we had that conversation about daydreaming and I was like, I don't think I daydream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just sit there and think about fucking stand up and it's not productive. It's not like I'm thinking about bits or like good material. It's just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blanket. Yeah, you being glorious dude. Not necessarily glory. It's just like what I need to do and like how, how can I do it? Well, that's kind of useful. That's kind of useful. Just conniving mentally. Mentally weaseling all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's crazy. I could, I've never ever once envisioned myself, not, maybe, maybe when I was younger, but like the idea of me thinking about myself being a lead singer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were the lead singer of two bands?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys just got done jamming. It was a day after. It was a day after.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna throw in some skull. Chuck in a fucking charl dude. Listener, this is what it's all about dude. That's the sound of a man dude. You know what's funny? I was gonna add this and stand up is to describe how white trash Mechanicsburg and where I'm from is. Like I'm gay for how gay my skull is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick. So fun. That's awesome. I'm sure playing music's really fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, but stand up when you're doing well. It's just that fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's next? Music? Stand up? Whatever you've acted. What are you next? Writing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, the only reason I didn't finish it is because it's all on my fucking phone. You can't do that. And then, uh, whenever I stop reading it, I have to go back and scroll the whole way down to try to find it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good book. I've sent it out to this. What you could do is put the PDF on the Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be sick. You'd get a little cash for that. That's not bad at all. I'm sure some of the boys would be happy to pay like a dollar or five dollars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I, I, I got roasted, uh, I got roasted on the main board today. For what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty fucking funny. Uh, you, we, we were talking on the last episode about


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a fucking collage. But they're not touching each other. I think a collage is like a cut up, mashed together. Yeah. And it has words. It'll have like, friendship. Makes no difference. But somebody had a problem with that. I was like, man, why are these people all dickheads? And then, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, post the pictures, we want to see them. So I posted a picture on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just to be like, well, like, I was like, look at this raw fucking power. And then, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course Dairy Queen, dude. Hit me with the fucking ice burn, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd he say? He's like, so you did the reverse Louie Lastic. Like, he posted a picture of the fat guy from Remember the Titans. Yeah. And then the fat guy that became, uh, the white supremacist in American history. I mean, it's the same guy. He was like, this is basically your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. It was pretty good. Dairy Queen is a motherfuckin'. That was actually good. That's pretty fuckin' funny. And then I was, I mean it was so good that I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made me rethink my, my attitude dude. I was sitting there like, after I got made fun of that hard, I was like, every time I get made fun of on here, I'm like, man, these guys are mean. I might just be a fucking idiot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that was, you know, I'm getting close to actually being cyberbullied. That's cyberbullying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would like come home hammered together sometimes. This is like 10 years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like if I'm like, I look pretty young, people are like, no you don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, yeah, turning 30 was the, the, a real, uh, It's like I'm definitely not young anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've done, you've got acting, novel, stand-up Philadelphia champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bother animals, your own animals, so greatly that they impede on other animals lives. They go out into the wild and fuck up other dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, that's a mean dog he's fucking with. That dog was a motherfucker. That was. I went over to Matt's house once and like ducked towards the dog, like got low, like I was going to fight it. And it immediately fucking stood up to me, like growled and walked towards me. I was like, holy shit. Kitas don't fuck around, dude. Yeah, that's fucking Kitas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have this docile sweetheart of a dog. See, I don't like that. Love him. I like that. I like dogs like that. I went to sleep with him, uh, Saturday night or Sunday night. We spooned. Did you really? The whole night, dude. I was the big spoon. His head was under my chin. Killer dogs will still do that. I mean, sure, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just having a nice sweetheart. I love it. It's like you're having a cat. No, he's not, he's playful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't want a dog that's a liability like that. That could probably eat a kid or something. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just chill, man. I watched the Oscars on Sunday, that was extremely powerful. That's why I don't know if you can tell this entire episode, I've been very woke. That's true. I only said fag once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How'd you fill out the Oscars? Because Get Out won best, he won best director for that. Yeaah. And uh, it changed the way I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Next. It's like, they played it at his, uh, it was at his retirement at the Staples Center. They just played it on the Jumbotron. It's like, oh sick. Oscar. Get an Oscar. Next year's Oscars include Kiss Cam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a fucking mascot throwing popcorn on an unsuspecting customer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I have fallen greatly in my support for our fearless leader, Donald Trump. The joke finally ended for me. You tried dude, you tried. I made it a year of thinking it was funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I start to actually be rational about Donald Trump, the left is right there for me. To just be like, dude, go back. You're not welcome on this side, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're strongly on either of those sides, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, it sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't put me on Facebook. Good. Of me dead. Just you fucking with dogs. There's two things you fuck with. It's dogs in your dick. Constantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I, I mean, that's been going on since it started. And every time that happens, it's always like, that's weird. Yeah. I mean, I see like, it is a public forum, so if you want to say like, like a guy knew his brother died and he posted like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But when it's like, you're fuckin' Nana. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, she was such a powerful woman, and then like 10 paragraphs about it, and a memory, and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, we miss you, or. Yea, that's free. It's like, why the fuck did you do it bro? Take it easy, this is, his mom's gotta delete this profile.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean you have dibs on mine and I want nothing but just crazy shit every day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried, I was tweeting, tweeting up a storm, I forgot I was drunk on Sunday watching the Oscars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I miss that. Ever since Meki left, uh, I don't get to see a Bramowitz anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess because I don't go to fucking mics anymore. I don't even know if he does. Maybe he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That dramatic pause was perfect. Uh, this was, there was just some fat lady singing at one point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, and now the special effects singer from the bar scene in the remastered Star Wars.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one. Immigrants. Yo, we're fucking immigrants. Applause break. Immigrants. Now here's your nominees for best cartoons. That's pretty much the entire show. Every fucking, every single presenter would come on and be like, I'm actually from Pakistan. Thank you. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coming up next for best song in the background of a cartoon. It's like, dude, kill yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one deserved more. Coming up next, Mary J. Blige will sing, will gospel sing until your white guilt boners are hard as fuck. Presented by Samsung.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did the water drink. I always knock you for it. I don't give a fuck. I couldn't even hear it. They'll have heard it. You just hear somebody drink water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Through his boxers. My mom had a raging fucking boner and grabbed my dad's pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Mel wouldn't fuck with him. He's definitely controlled by Jewish puppeteers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He can, but dude. Unfortunately, that sucks though, that sucks. You know, this is all saying it's not true. Which, you know, this is the first I've heard of it, so I mean, I don't wanna, you know, diminish any victims here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like some ridiculous allegation that it's just like, and just once you're, once you're accused, it's, it's there, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, don't just assume everybody has parents because of your privileged ass life. You white privileged bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, I said bitch. That's inappropriate. But if you're acting like a white bitch, guess what I'm gonna call you? A white bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please check your fucking intersectional fucking cis feminism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They used to tie weights to women and throw them in the water. And if they broke out, they were a witch. And if they drowned, they were innocent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, this is entertaining stuff. It is. What do you think of the Grammys, dude? I wish you, or the Oscars, I wish you had seen it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the way they, like if a woman was reading the next nominees for something, they would say, like let's say it's for best director, or whatever, they'd be like the next


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next, uh, these four men and, and then whatever the woman's name was, are all nominated for Best Picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would read the woman's name and just be like, these, these three other men and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do best actress after best actor now. They've done that I think for two or three years in a row now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, she's cool, I guess, but not, they made her too cool, now it sucks. Well, she's fucking Aunt Meryl, dude. She's just the old matriarch. And fucking Tiffany Haddish coming on, dude. Yeah, I didn't know who that was. Again, that's Kevin Hart with tits. It's really great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like hey, what do you guys think of Kevin Hart's incredibly annoying personality?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she's, that's what's like kind of frustrating. They're just like, they just vaulted her to the top.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's like, it's not like she had like a killer special or anything. She was in like a knockoff bridesmaids. Well I was so-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That part was funny when he was making fun of himself for not being able to read without being cross-eyed, but then the one part where he's like,


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[Assistant] If we told them what it was like, would they ever even believe us? But he still sold the show. Why don't you fucking take it easy, dude?


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[Assistant] You don't have to trash whitey all the time. I mean, there's nothing but black people. Yeah, well, when better to do that? Stop trashing us. Give me a-


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[Assistant] Can you hear about that? Monique ran it all, ran it in her mouth a little bit.


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[Assistant] And they were all like, nope, nope, nope, nope. Well, she tried to liberal a black dude. You can't liberal out on another black dude.


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[Assistant] And you already stole the show at the fucking Oscars? Take it easy.


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[Assistant] Don't tell me about your feet, uh huh. Meryl, I want you to be my mom one day.


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[Assistant] Black Mother Nature is hilarious. Oh man. But, uh, yeaah, there was a lot of weave.


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[Assistant] After that nor'easter, there was such a weave, it was the biggest weave I've seen in the street. Yea man, that'll definitely- It looked like a fucking animal, I was like, damn a cat died. It was a huge pile of hair.


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[Assistant] That's mother nature world star and the other black ladies just ripping weaves out.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that's uh, I got confronted for my on stage behavior this week.


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[Assistant] I got confronted by a fellow comedian about


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[Assistant] My choice of words on stage. But it was funny because it's like that guy only sees me do open mics.


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[Assistant] So it's like at an open mic, yea, I'm gonna be a little more aggressive than I am.


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[Assistant] And then, that's another thing, cause it's like what, cause I've had them, I've had other comics be like, why do you always just fuck around up there? It's like, it's like, cause that helps. It's like being able to fuck around on stage is pretty good.


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[Assistant] Anyway, as soon as I said it, I was like, yeah, maybe I don't feel like.


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[Assistant] That's what I said to him. I was like, dude, just try to imagine a scenario where I approach you about your material. It would never happen.


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[Assistant] But it was funny, he was saying he couldn't get into, uh...


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[Assistant] Festivals and clubs because he was gay. Yeah. And I was like, dude.


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[Assistant] There's no, it's unbelievable how backwards you have that.


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[Assistant] And he's like, well you don't get into stuff like that because of your material. And I was like...


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[Assistant] I was like, well yea, kinda. But that doesn't mean my material is bad.


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[Assistant] What was funny is he cited this comedy festival, the DC Comedy Festival, he was like, I didn't even get into that.


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[Assistant] He was like, I didn't get into that. And I was like, you think it's cause you're gay? And he was like, did you apply? I was like, no, I don't really apply to festivals anymore. I was like, I'm not, I'm not getting into them. And, uh, and then the next day that comedy festival reached out to me. It was like, would you headline? I was like, yes, dude. I almost screen-shotted it and sent it to him. Be like, look what my material got me.


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[Assistant] Networking in comedy is so fucking brutal.


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[Assistant] Uh, that was, they got in trouble cause every year you go to a team camp and this was, I think it was a Gettysburg.


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[Assistant] Like the seniors brought the freshmen into this room and they would like ask them three questions and if they got it wrong...


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[Assistant] They, I forget like had, they do, if they got it right, they would get a slice of pizza.


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[Assistant] And if they got it wrong they had to reach in a different box and a kid had his dick through the pizza to grab a senior's dick.


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[Assistant] The news got a hold of it. It's like, they got in trouble. It's pretty great.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, that sucks. Toss the ball around the horn, dude. Lacks life. Unfortunately, that is right. I mean, it's definitely weird that that kid was doing that. It's funny as fuck. It's hilarious. So funny. So funny, but it sucks that there was a teammate.


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[Assistant] Like an underclassman that reported that. Sucks. That sucks. That sucks. You know, he probably wanted to try football.


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[Assistant] Grabbed a dick and was like, uuuh, I feel different. And he told on him and that's, and the kid who did it was-


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[Assistant] Yeah, they were like, what if the transformers were bigger? And the main character was black. Perfect. But what were you talking about? Of course, the black guy has bigger transformers.


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[Assistant] Oh, dicks. That's like my number one comedy. Uhm, that's my number one comedy out there.


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[Assistant] Black guys have bigger dicks than white guys. Boom. Groundbreaking. Arenas. Why can't I get booked?


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[Assistant] What is, what were you talking about? Uhm, there's a movie, fuck I forget what it's called, it's like...


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[Assistant] Call me by my name or something? It's, it's... Army Hammer? Do you remember that guy? He was one of the...


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[Assistant] Anyways, just a jacked, handsome white dude. And he's in this movie where he like, fucks a boy. Him and a boy fall in love.


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[Assistant] And like the, the kid who played the younger, younger boy was like the star. He stole the show. He was a real arrogant fucking dickhead.


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[Assistant] Maybe younger, but in the movie, in the movie he's looking like he's like 16 or 17 and he fucks like a 35 year old dude. Jesus Christ.


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[Assistant] Italy or they're, they're like studying abroad or something. I don't know, I don't know what the fuck is going on.


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[Assistant] Gay love is the point of it, is like, this is when you come out of your shell and you find a beautiful man. Which is exactly what fuckin' Milo-


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[Assistant] Oh fuck, what are they called? The kid who opened with being a feminist was one of them. Kid I told you about.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that would've, dude, if that was Black Dudes, that movie would've been so much better. That would've been the funniest fucking movie on earth.


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[Assistant] My favorite line in that was when the chubby kid got beat up and he's like, I could tell they were banditos cause they had taco breath.


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[Assistant] They should have just spliced that in Gran Torino. Yeaah. Like the main bad guy in that was Clint Eastwood just keep showing up to the little league park and harassing the kids. He's just like, are you monkeys playing baseball today? So close.


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[Assistant] Donald Trump watched that and was like, we gotta clean up these projects.


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[Assistant] No, true. Watch fucking hardball again, dude. Glory? Did you ever see glory? About the black, uh, civil war?


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[Assistant] Ferris Bueller helped him out. It was like Denzel. I think Denzel won best supporting actor in that.


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[Assistant] Pretty good movie. Was it good? But it's also like, actually that one was pretty good.


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[Assistant] It was like the white guy was learning from them. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I watched the beginning of uh, I watched Lincoln again and at the beginning of that there's a nice black guy teaching Lincoln a moment. It was nice. Like yea, these two black guys are talking to Lincoln


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[Assistant] Pocahontas fucking- Pocahontas is sick. Avatar. Avatar was just Pocahontas.


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[Assistant] When they fuck, when the avatar fucks, that's pretty hot, when they fuck with their hair.


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[Assistant] Yeah. You can jerk off to that scene. Those avatar people are hot as fuck. Yeah, they were hot. I love that shit. I'll give them that. Cameron got that right.


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[Assistant] Just give me food, why are we doing a game with my fucking dinner?


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[Assistant] I found this out. Russia has a smaller GDP than Australia. Really? Yea, wouldn't have guessed that, would you? Where'd you find that out from? No, and I wouldn't either. On the news?


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's why they act out. They're fucking nuts, dude. They're kind of poor for that size of a country and they spend all their money on their arsenal. And that's why they're fucking like...


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[Assistant] Nice. Bizarre, dude. Did you ever watch that video of, uh,


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[Assistant] Forget their name, they were like Russian, Ukrainian, uh, serial killers, these boys.


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[Assistant] Killed a dude with a hammer on, and they filmed it.


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[Assistant] It's like a dude coming home from a grocery store, like he's got a bag of groceries there.


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[Assistant] And he's, it starts, he's already been fucking like knocked out. He's still alive though, cause at one point they-


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[Assistant] They're like just sticking screwdrivers into his stomach and like moving it around and shit and he's like reacting. You can see him moving. I think they take his eyes out with a screwdriver, but when they hit him, they have a hammer in a paper bag and they start hitting him in the face with it. Just the noise of it is just.


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[Assistant] What the fuck is their name? It's like the town that they're in. I think it starts with a T. It's like the Tsarnev psychos.


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[Assistant] It was unbelievable. And then, what's another fucked up one, uh, this week? ISIS was using children to execute people?


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[Assistant] They're using what they call their cubs. Take your son to work day? Yeah, they took their kids to work day and made a four year old shoot a guy in the head.


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[Assistant] Like a toddler. They hand him this little tiny pistol and he fucking executed what they said was a spy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the one, they hand this kid a knife and make him cut a guy's throat. And the, it like cuts, cause ISIS films it and the way they film they have like incredibly...


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[Assistant] Cheesy production. Have you seen their production? It's like, it's high quality, but it's like the sound effects.


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[Assistant] This was as atrocious as I've seen. I mean, they burned the guy in a cage. That was pretty fucking terrible. But executing people with a four year old, using a four year old to shoot somebody in the fucking head.


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[Assistant] It's like, did you, did you play catch with your dad?


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[Assistant] Kinda. Sort of, yeaah. We had some good bonding experiences.


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[Assistant] Dressed like a pooh the monkey from classic film Aladdin.


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[Assistant] Not now, the caliphate. Allahu Allah. Yeah dude. Insallah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, those guys suck at such a fucking unbelievable rate. Like every time I see something from them.


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[Assistant] It just gets gayer and gayer, like every single fucking thing they do, I'm just like, dude, stop. These guys fucking suck.


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[Assistant] You can't do that. That's a cub, dude. That's what they call their kids. There's a cub? Yea, I think they're lions and those are their cubs. Jesus fucking Christ.


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[Assistant] Well, they got killed with robots for long enough. True that. Sky robots killed their families, so they're like, fuck it.


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[Assistant] A lot of tricks going down. Yeah. So listener, if you get a chance, try to find that ISIS video of toddlers executing people. It's adorable.


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[Assistant] For Toyota trucks. We all remember our first ride in a Toyota. Remember when your dad took you to the execution? I know I do.


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[Assistant] This is a classic cast, dude. Covered all the bases. Me complaining about stand up.


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[Assistant] Grammys being gay, you with the crazy theory, ISIS. What else, what else is there? Homophobic, racist, we're probably nearing an hour, we're probably at like 50.


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[Assistant] Time flies bro when you have fun. I tell you what, since I've been taking CBD oils, my, that's two weeks in a row now, I've been very off. Time dilation, yeah.


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[Assistant] Took me like a week and a half, but now I've woken up at like 8.30 and 9 pretty consistently.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've woken up at least twice this past week thinking it was like 3pm and it was like 8.30. Like waking up and being like, holy fuck, I overslept cause I feel fine. That's how I know if it's late.


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[Assistant] Five thirty. I thought I was at four for some reason. Oh man, I got a fun day ahead of me. What? Doing the fucking writer's block.


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[Assistant] So Helium does this thing where you do writer's block, which is where like a sick ass comic like me or Teruso will teach you how to tell jokes. Me, Teruso, all the best.


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[Assistant] I said the kid. Nice. Although this is hilarious, dude. Have you seen Sydney lately?


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[Assistant] When you lose teeth, like Sydney, Sydney is black and he lost two teeth and he instantly is a crackhead.


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[Assistant] Gold or silver, that would be so sick. How do you not get gold teeth there?


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[Assistant] Last night I realized how close we all were to... I mean, white guys, if you lose some teeth, at least it looks like you played hockey.


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[Assistant] Black dude, you lose teeth, it's like phew. It's tough. That guy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well that's, yeah, cause when he, when he closes his mouth now, he's like, his lips like suck up into where the teeth are missing. And then, uh.


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[Assistant] It's funny too, cause I was trying to tell him, have him tell us the fight story. Like, what happened. He was like, what happened was, I was at the, uh, the Whole Foods. Oh, he told you about the grocery store fight. He got a fist fight in the parking lot.


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[Assistant] Well what's great about Sydney and the teeth thing, if you don't, obviously a lot of people listening to this don't know him, uh, he's like a really well spoken guy and like, he's always very super.


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[Assistant] I don't know. What are you trying to say? He's on top of his shit. Like I mean him losing his teeth and he went from basically like a black Republican to now just full crackhead. Like he's full fucking like, yeah, what happened was I was at the whole foods and the guy was almost ran me and my kids over. So I fought him in the freezer aisle and I lost two teeth. His teeth was from a domestic dispute.


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[Assistant] Oh man. But yea, I'll be with Sid tonight, so that'll be fun. I'll laugh the entire time. Well, he has a problem with your punchlines right now.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna laugh, oh, but, uh, fucking, I don't wanna trash him, fuck it, Biggie signed up.


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[Assistant] I know, I know. That's three hours. That's going to be, I'm going to make sure we're starting the timer on that. Yeah. Cause he interrupts.


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[Assistant] Regardless. He's pretty mean to you too. He, no, not anymore. He stopped? Now that he knows who I am. Oh, so now he's sweating your shit. That's sick. Yea, now he's like, you're the best, I wanna be like you. Sick. That's what he messages me constantly. So he stops.


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[Assistant] Yeah, at first he's like, hey fatty. I'd be like, alright dude, you don't want me to do this. He's like, how old are you Biggie? He's like 19. I'm like, don't make me.


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[Assistant] Yeah, no, I don't have anything to talk about as far as upcoming shows. I don't really have anything to plug.


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[Assistant] I might stop, oh the snow. It'll probably get cancelled. It'll probably get cancelled. That'll be sick.


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[Assistant] Nice, fuck yeaah. Now I'm glad I'm not headlining. Yeaah, that's true. Now I'm glad I got next month. Hell yeaah, that's nice. Fuck all that. Uhm, other than that...


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[Assistant] That's it bro. That's a cast. That's a good cast. I mean, this is number 70 at this point. This was one take, just fucking.


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[Assistant] Sit down, hit record, hour and a half, genius artistry comes flying out.


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[Assistant] Wow. That's an ep. Wow. Uh, Dairy Queen, suck my dick. Dude.


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[Assistant] Where does he live? Ah, he's down south. He's Alabama, I think.


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[Assistant] He's definitely funny and he was actually in one of the movie threads, he was shitting on get out, which shocked me cause he's usually, he's like Mr. fucking lefty.


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[Assistant] I think so, hopefully. Which is the right thing to do. Which is, you know, at my core, that's what I'm, that's what I am, dude.


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[Assistant] So far left that I can't stand to see what the left is doing.


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[Assistant] No, I just understand poverty, dude. And I don't think any human being should have to endure it.


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[Assistant] You could be a shepherd. Ah, it's tough, dude. You gotta move to the southwest. Yeah, and I need- Actually, no. I need some land. I need sheep. It's hard. It's a hard- Big sky country. You gotta get out to like-


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[Assistant] You could find wolves to fight. True that. You could go to Yellowstone and fight some fucking wolves.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I wish my parents would just be rich, more rich and just gimme shit. Yea man. So sick of fucking living in squalor.


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[Assistant] Alright, so somebody better help.


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[Assistant] Your car looks like shit. It's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? It's so funny to think- He was so mad that my fucking window, my mirror got knocked off. It's guilt, it's a reflection of him, dude. He's furious.


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[Assistant] It's like, uh, when I told my mom I wasn't going to West Point.


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[Assistant] When I was getting recruited, I was like, I'm going to Temple. I'm not going to West Point. Fuck that. She started to cry.


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[Assistant] You know, outburst of emotion being like, damn, you were supposed to be special.


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[Assistant] No, I'm not going anywhere. Especially like, and my parents are great and they, they're, you know, they did great. My mom taught for a lot of years. My dad's a salesman. They have, you know, it's like upper middle class. That's good. And they got a nice house and all that shit, but it's like,


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[Assistant] When you look back and you think, like, cause they just lived a normal life.


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[Assistant] I think you gotta be like, man, hopefully my kid does something fucking sick.


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[Assistant] When uh, when Caitlin says like she won't, she won't move out of Mechanicsburg. Yeah.


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[Assistant] I never am mad at her. No man. I'm like, damn I wish I lived in McCairsburg. Like I fantasize about selling cars sometimes. I know. Going back and selling Hondas and just.


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[Assistant] Wow. Wow, dude. You fuck around with dick cream and dogs long enough, you come up with some sick philosophies. I'm telling you man. That was a nice one. Repeat that.


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[Assistant] Like, you're good, chill. True, but it is nice knowing, uh, you gotta go fail.


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[Assistant] And when I was home and selling cars and shit, you know, you romanticize it. You're like, man, I hope one day I get to go, you know.


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[Assistant] It's like, you hear all those like, proverbs and shit about like, it's better to have tried and failed than have failed to try.


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[Assistant] I don't know how true that is. I think not trying and just getting a nice job and having a nice family and watching TV and being happy.


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[Assistant] You know? It's easy. I think it's funny when people that are successful at things are like, man, just keep trying.


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[Assistant] It'll happen, dude. You gotta work so hard to get it. It's like, nah, you got it. And it was lucky.


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[Assistant] You cocksucker. Exactly too. Yeaah, that's a weird thing too. It's like I worked so hard to get this and all you need to do is work 10,000 hours.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, dude, like fucking, uh, Patton Oswalt's smarmy, smug ass tweeted.


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[Assistant] Like somebody asked him what it was like, like how do you become a great comedian? He was like, and everybody's always upset when I say you gotta do a mic and do a show every single day.


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[Assistant] It's like dude, you did it every single day, you fucking chubby dork.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's like man, I'm literally the funniest guy in America. I have to be. I have not seen anybody else. I haven't seen anyone else.


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[Assistant] Bill Burr had a sick, sick quote about it. Let me find this real quick.


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[Assistant] No, it's, uh, this is just a little inspiration for all our...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just our regular working Joes out there listening to this cast thinking, should I try to be great? I don't know, man. Maybe you're just a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe you're destined to be a complete piece of shit. Who knows? Yeah. Or maybe you're destined to have just a, you know, pretty average hot wife, some decent kids. You go to their sporting events. Yup. You watch your favorite TV. Yup. Watch your sports team. You get a nice fucking man cave, even though it's corny. It is. It's not corny. Having a real man cave is fucking sick.


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[Assistant] This is Bill Burrs, uh, he said, realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. Thank God.


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[Assistant] Alright, realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse? Sleeping in a king bed next to your wife that you're not really in love with but for some reason you married and you got a couple kids and you got a job you hate. You'll be lying there and fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount of risk to playing it safe. That's true also.


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[Assistant] And again, that's Bill Burr who, you know. Yeah, who had, he was on like a sitcom when he was like 20.


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[Assistant] But yea, that's the type of shit I would read before I, you know, really cut ties.


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[Assistant] And there's also, uh, car insurance and health insurance. I mean, health insurance is...


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[Assistant] It's like you want to go for a dream? Don't get sick. Yeaah. Definitely don't break your arm.


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[Assistant] If I break my arm, I'm just gonna have a wonky arm the rest of my life. I'm not fixing it. I can't fix it. You can't. You'd have a bad wing. I'm gonna have Beezer fucking make me a cat.


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[Assistant] They hit you on that if you don't have health insurance. So that sucks. Which is a bullshit fucking thing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think maybe if you just don't report it, I don't know. I think I make so little money that no one's gonna fucking come after me.


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[Assistant] I have a pocket knife for me. They are being mean to me. I might trans, dude.


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[Assistant] Dude, if Dairy Queen keeps cyberbullying me, I might fucking, I might trans out.


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[Assistant] Might change my self-worth so much that I'm like, I'm not even a man!


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[Assistant] Alright, alright, we gotta go, we gotta go. No Name's probably losing to Pitt in the ACC tourney right now. Shit. We gotta go watch. Alright. Although Pitt sucks, so.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's fuckin' sick. True dat. Maybe we gotta get rid of Will Smith.


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[Assistant] I think people are tired of that. I heard some complaints about the Wild West, which only makes me like it more. If people are like, man, it's so fucking loud and annoying.


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[Assistant] Alright, uh, God bless us. Goodbye. God bless us all. Insallahu Allah.


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[Assistant] Seventy-four. Seventy-four? I'm gonna go with seventy-four. Fuck it, that was my high school


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[Assistant] I'm all, uh, I didn't tell you, I spent all weekend listening to Iceberg Slim's autobiography on Audible. Oh nice. Dude, I can't recommend it enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think someone said that to me too, and I, probably, because it's, you listen to it, and like it's all, while it, I, it was, I think it's 12 hours long, I listened to it in two days. I couldn't stop fucking listening to this thing.


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[Assistant] It's like, I parked the hog. I gave the attendant a double saw and said, keep it, Jack.


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[Assistant] That's awesome. Dude, it is so fucking, and it's bizarre because-


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[Assistant] Yeah, he- oh, he was pimped for fucking 25. He was- he was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He pimped into his 40s, which he was like, it was my 42nd birthday. I'm ancient for a pimp. Dude, it's so fucking funny. The chick's like, how old are you? The chick's like, what are you, 22? He's like, bitch, I'm 122. It's so funny. Yeah, pimps, dude, pimps, 40, you're fucking, you're a geezer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you can't show any weakness. You gotta get a woman in the prime of your life and be like, baby, he was more beautiful than me. And like, you have to just be on point every aspect of your life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like top flight. Sweet baby Jones. Poison. Poison was a vice cop who was also a pimp. And it's dude, when you get into the world of these guys, it's like, so the way you start off is like you just, you, you want to pimp dude. He had a girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, when he was younger, he was, he was fucking everyone, dude. But then he had this girl he was dating. And he was like, baby, do you love me? And she was like, yeaah. And he's like, you would do anything for me, right? And she's like, yeaah. He's like, I need you to start humpin' for me, I need some money. So he just like, and he was young, he was like 17.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went down and found this 40 year old and he's like, yo, there's a 15 year old up there. If you give me five bucks, if you give me a fin, that's five bucks, you can fuck her. And this guy was like, awesome. Went upstairs and fucked his girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he came back at like 19 while he was away, he was listening like about like other pimps talk about their shit, so he just soaked it up like a sponge. And then he came out and he finally got, so the way you do it is you have to like, you need a bankroll and flash to attract women, but when you're starting out pimp, you don't have any of that. So you gotta get a chick who's like a, just a bottom bitch dude, so like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you gotta get some vines. You gotta get vines. So that's like your threads. So you gotta cop, all the whole book was about him copping vines. He's like, I needed some vines. And like you find a booster, you buy a solo stolen suit, and then you go into like a bar where like pimps and whores hang out, and like if a girl even looks at you, you have to be as icy as possible. So they, what's up, they try to see if you'll fuck them if you're a mark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you're like, you need me bitch. And then like, yes, then they kind of hop on your team, but the whole time they're trying to fuck you over and betray you and double cross and cross you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He got icebergs, icebergs, he got tested outside at the joint and they're like, holy shit, he goes, my IQ was 175, that white doctor couldn't even understand it, blah blah blah. But he writes books, he's an author, like he has a bunch of books out now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He like got in her car and he's like, you gotta sign this car over to me, bitch. I can't drive a car in some bitch's name. So she signs a car to them and then she starts humping for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need flash, yeaah. So you gotta, but in order to get flash, you need bitches to be humping for you. So it's kind of the pimps paradox up front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you gotta be a chili pimp for a while with just one 69 with one bitch. Exactly. So you gotta be a chili pimp with one bitch for a while and we gotta keep your foot in her ass, dude. Otherwise they get lazy. Cause you, you know, you gotta give them some drugs. We can't be giving them gangster smoke, dude. Cause I get some lazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you usually try to get some Benny's or something, not Benny's, that would make them lazy too, but you try to give them stimulants to get them like hype. So then when you have one bitch, this is what he said, he had one bitch and she was just being dude, she wouldn't fuck you. Like imagine laying down in bed with your girlfriend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, you know, you get like maybe like an argument before bed, even not even an argument. She was like, I missed you baby, I love you so much daddy. And like you're laying in bed with her and you just chuck her an elbow in the gut and you're like, bitch, you don't love me. I don't love you. I'm a pimp and you're a whore. Blah, blah, and it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's literally, it's all at all times and you can't let them think, like, you can't put it, you have to be as icy as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like talking, he gets to this other town and starts talking to like older pimps, like he's like, I can't get my bitch in line, I don't, this is fucking, jeez, I have no money left. So this guy was like, take a wire hanger and braid it together and whip her with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll get her hoping. So he like whips the shit, he goes, and it worked like a charm. Dude, it's crazy. Then the trick, when you have one bitch, the trick you do is you get her, you whip her with a wire hanger, get her fucking in line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then she'll have like a record breaking day, you save up two days worth of her shit, and then go to Western Union and wire yourself money and pretend you have another bitch up in a whorehouse. And so you have this phantom bitch and you're like, yo, she's sending me double what you're making, then the girls naturally start competing with other girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then you're rolling around with everyone, you just like, you're like a whore magnet and they all start flocking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you're pimping way too hard. You gotta stick them for fast scratch, dude. And just fucking, you got, you can't keep holding them forever. You stick them for fast scratch and keep moving. Dude, I'm listening to this just like, and anytime I be doing the dishes and I take my headphones out from listening to it and Brittany would say something to me and I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the pimp games totally separate though. You need it, you can only, you need some old school do to pull your coat dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, dude, it's so fucking- I'm trying to see if I can pull up just an expert of it. It's so fucking funny. It's just this, non-stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's, that's absolute gospel. Coming from sweet baby Jones. Their names really.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the way they, the world of becoming a pimp is so funny to me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it's like, you got it, you're just literally, you're a young, it's like, you're in like an RPG. Oh, you gotta find the elder pimps and be like, yo man, he like, he had, that took him to talk to that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Took him like, talking to three other guys, you gotta get cut into someone. So if I wanna meet you, I'd be like, yo, cut me into Shane, but I gotta like, do it in a way with another pimp, where I'm telling the other pimp, like, he's the man, but like, I do wanna talk to you, like dude, it's fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, they don't give him, they, their nicknames I think come from other people, cause he took Iceberg. I'm sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you stick em hard and fast? Dude, I'm only as sweet as the paper, dude. I'm as sweet as a scratch, no sweeter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nice, we have the screenshot of 69, I just want our nation to grow. But yeaah, that, uh, I watched that whole thing, and that was my, uh, So you watched the Pizza Gate documentary? The whole thing. Finished it today, yeaah. What happened to it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just goes off on like how the Comet Ping, the Comet Ping Pong or whatever it's called. Comet Pizza and Ping Pong in DC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How that guy's like, listed at, the guy who owns that shop is like a, he's gay, and his like Twitter is just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His Twitter is just like weird, it's like a weirdly sexual, well he'll have like a guy laying there with like a pizza, slice of pizza over his dick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, it is, there's, the guy's a weird dude for sure. Then they have like, uh, how they're all tied into that lady who was doing like, the satanic masses and like, uh, spirit cooking. Where you're like, cum, you get menstrual blood and cum and maybe piss maybe? And you like, drink it as part of a, this lady was doing them and she was doing like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like mock cannibalism where they'd make like a, it was like, imagine if you cooked and made it look like it was like edible food, but you made it like as hard as humanly possible to look like a real person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So she would host dinners where like you would eat, but it was like a person basically. Okay. And these were the people that like Hillary and Podesta were hanging out with from like the WikiLeaks. It's fucking weird. And Lady Gaga hangs out with her. A lot of celebrities hang out with this lady who's a weird performance artist, but you know, and that's still, it's like, eh. And, uh, they go into this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids are getting raped. I mean, the kids are getting raped. Oh, then there's that other guy who, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a guy that both the Clintons and Trump Epstein, they would hang out with. And yeah, he definitely got busted with underage girls. There was a lady in, uh, where was it? There was a lady in Cuba who got hit with the Haiti. There was a lady in Haiti who got caught trying to steal like 42 kids out of Haiti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Hillary like sprung her out of like the prison she was in. There's a lot of weird fucking shit, but then the end of it is just like all these movies where like, and then another reference to pizza in this movie. It's like, they even use the Ninja Turtles. They even use the Ninja Turtles because they reference like DC's tunnel system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, and this is a tunnel system. And they're like, you're thinking they're going to say like, and no one knows it goes on down there. And they're like,