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[Assistant] Fuck. Back then too, and like they would conquer civilization, like they conquered the Maccabees, someone else conquered, I forget who it was, and they were just like, worship me as a god. Dude, it was so fucking crazy back then. Yea, it's hilarious. Worship me. And they were like, tuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'd fucking, they'd promote me instantly. That'd be tight to go in for. If I could somehow interact with a fucking king back then, talk shit would be so fun, dude. I mean, they wouldn't understand my fucking- You'd cut your fucking head off right away.


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[Assistant] Imagine seeing a guy, your dad, just dead with his dick in his mouth, dude. Like, holy fuck. Especially, imagine if you're not hanging that nice that day either. Catch you on the other fucking...


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[Assistant] What is good? Me, like my ready to, like almost about to die via a machete dude state, my dick would be so small, they'd cut his dick off, they'd have a guy like, hold on.


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[Assistant] Like, you gotta sit me down, it's gotta breach past the stump, you know, cause they definitely do it on a tree stump, so it's like, it's on a fucking, it's on a stump.


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[Assistant] Do they, when they put their dicks in their mouth, they go like head in as if they're sucking it or like bloody part dick out.


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[Assistant] I wonder how much of the government the cartel has. Then again, you think about that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but then like the dudes with A-bombs, dude, are just like, they look at cartels like ants, they're just like, oh yeah.


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[Assistant] When I hear all this shit about Russia, that was another thing. I saw a documentary on Russia today about, dude, there's like a documentary put out on Reddit about how like, Vladimir Putin's been like slowly undermining the United States like, democracy for 30 years.


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[Assistant] This is the Democrats version of Q, dude. Conspiracy, we live in the age of political conspiracies, dude. Like now, we've always lived in them, but politicians are using this shit as a, like a tool.


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[Assistant] Cause dude, I watched the first 10 minutes of it. It's like a 5 minute recap with Hillary Clinton. Be like, well, actually Vladimir, apparently Vladimir Putin's dad was a soldier. In whatever war he would have been in, I don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uhm, well he was on the front lines somewhere in Russia, maybe World War I or II or something.


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[Assistant] Trump's age? No. Think him and Trump were born on the same day? That's a sick day. No, Putin's like probably 45, 50. 50. He's gotta be 50. 50, yea. 55.


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[Assistant] Well apparently his dad, whatever war he was in, came off, they used to give him like a two day break, came off from the war, and saw his wife in a pile of dead bodies, and like recognized, this is according to Hillary Clinton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Saw her- his wife in a pile of dead bodies and like pulled her out and she was still alive and resuscitated her. And then impregnated her and that was the woman who bore Vladimir Putin to the world.


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[Assistant] No one is gonna give you some pussy, dude. You're just like a Russian peasant. How can you pull your wife out of a pile of dead bodies, dude? And she's like, that's where Vla- and then she started going off this thing, like, and Vladimir's trying to pull Russia out from the heel of the West, it's like,


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[Assistant] I guess, lady. I just don't see how they're, like, dude, Russia's GDP is apparently the size of Texas.


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[Assistant] That's what this is about now. It's that Vladimir Putin's been like launching like a political psychological warfare and like constantly basically like a like a meta troll just been he's been just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is sick, but at the same time for Hillary Clinton to say that, it's like, okay, we don't meddle in fucking foreign affairs and shit. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I started watching that being like, this will be a tight documentary. I saw her dumb fucking big ass old head and I was like, God damn it, man. Propaganda. I just, I don't like her.


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[Assistant] I don't know man, is Bill, Bill was in a pile, Bill would pull her out of the fucking under the car dude. Bill, Bill has a pile right now. He does not need to pull her out. How does he still continue to deflect me too?


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[Assistant] Also, like, dude, imagine, you know, I mean, you've played football, you know the grade school quarterbacks. Yea. That, like, diva mentality they get. Imagine that, but just never gets fucking God smacked by reality. It's like, those dudes don't hear fucking notes.


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[Assistant] That's why everyone likes you more than me. Everyone hates me. I'm fucking gay. I was talking about, I was thinking about earlier how it's like, I'm obsessed with the id right now and how the prefrontal cortex is just like determining this whole thing between us and the id just like


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[Assistant] We should break up, wait like 6 years and just do reunion cast dude. Just sell out arenas.


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[Assistant] This is when, this is when stuff, this is when stuff implodes. This is the height, this is the pinnacle.


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[Assistant] I'm like, yo, this is crazy. All we can do now is just do drugs and quit. It's like, fuck you! It started being English. Fuck you, mate!


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[Assistant] I'll do the microdose report. I'm taking time off. I noticed the, uh...


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[Assistant] It's still sick, I think it's awesome. But I just noticed from...


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[Assistant] It like, it like, just crushes anxiety, like you have no anxiety.


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[Assistant] The point where like, all my other little fl- all the little wild things in my head that are just kinda like, we should smoke weed, we should jerk off, and my- although I will admit, I stopped fucking watching porn for the most part. With the exception of, I fell into a hole of like, watching videos of women watching porn and masturbating, if that makes sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I stumbled upon that, yeaah. That was pretty tight. Yeaah, that's, that's, it's a whole category dude, there's not much. What's it called? Girls watching porn. That's what you searched? Yeaah, girls watching porn. So I just watch girls watch porn.


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[Assistant] When I add like tons of weed to it, it starts getting fucking like just too strange.


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[Assistant] There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. Dude, I sat there for 40 minutes today and thought about how I'd ditch a gun in the bank. I couldn't stop thinking of it. I was like, all right, dude, give it a second. I was like, take the gun apart, cock it. I was like, you have to maybe empty each individual bullet in the toilet. I'm like, well, the fucking clip's the size of a turd. Why couldn't a fucking toilet take a clip down the toilet? It was just insane.


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[Assistant] But you catch a fucking like stone night at like 1am when you just watch a bunch of white rapper videos, dude.


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[Assistant] I don't know why I keep going back, I like, I know that that's what happens a lot of times. Yeaah. And I just, I'm, I love going to the, you know when you're in your brain, when you're like, I just wish this was over. But I always walk away from it and I'm like,


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[Assistant] My problem with being stoned is that I get these thoughts that are so bizarre and abstract, and I'm like, as soon as I start to put them together, they vanish, and I go, oh god. What the fuck was I thinking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was I thinking? Here's what I discovered this week. So I laid off the weed, just totally drying out. I went back in the flow tank again, totally sober.


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[Assistant] And I was getting those thoughts that I would forget. And I don't think it has to do with weed as much as there's a level of thinking that your brain just really can't hold onto.


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[Assistant] I think there's a level of abstraction that like, it makes sense. It would make, I was like thinking of stuff that literally made sense, and then I went to, like, it, I would think of it and I'm like, wow, that's crazy. And then I'd go to kind of like say it in my head, it would just vanish. Cause I was like, this can't even be expressed by words.


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[Assistant] Every week dude, it's just like, oh man. I don't have anything else to give.


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[Assistant] Just my night. What did you do this week? It's just fueled by my night psychosis, dude. You ever see that movie, uh, the happening is it when he moves in with all the old people and they just get naked and run around the house?


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[Assistant] No, no, that's fine. That's- that's actually hilarious. That's- hey dude, you're- this is your version. She's like, you should just put up an Instagram story right now.


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[Assistant] They're like hot, fashionable dudes. Every picture I see, I'm like, come on, fucking kill that guy. Yeah, man. They're so hot. That's what I was wondering about that recently, like- Oh, here, yes. Alright, go ahead, go ahead.


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[Assistant] Yeah, man. It's, it's, uh. Corny shit. Yeah, sad state of affairs.


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[Assistant] Dude, remember ye- no, not a years ago, a while ago when I tried to say that like,


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[Assistant] The same genetic people, the same genes from people who are super racist now are just like...


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[Assistant] Dumb sheep. But the other way around, yea. And now that's like...


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[Assistant] Treat minorities like babies that need my help because they can't help themselves and dude it's like


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[Assistant] They act like- Yeah, it's crazy. It's like, no, no, no, you're missing my point, man. It's like, you're just-


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[Assistant] You shouldn't fucking try to baby black people, dude. Yeah, just treat them like fucking humans. Yeah, that's the whole thing. It's like, it's like- Which is hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's also too because there's a missing context. I'd ask my neighbors, uh, to turn down their music. Dude, it's like, it's always the trap, bro. It's people in and out all day. It's always jumping and like.


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[Assistant] Literally, I was like, guys, I know this is so annoying, hate having to do this, just give me a little love on the bass there. Dude, the guy was like, no problem, man, uh, uh, uh, uh, turn it down, went back inside, couldn't hear it, and like, she was sleeping, and I was just like, she didn't even know I did that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The next morning I told her, I'm like, you noticed the music was quieter? I told them to turn it down and they did. You say I'm kind of like conflict avoidant, I thought that was pretty good, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got, we got in a, uh, not a shouting match today. It was like, we took a nap and I was laying there and she like came in.


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[Assistant] She like fucking taps me real hard. She like scares me a lot. She like thinks it's funny to start- Dude, she startled me the one day. She snuck in on me.


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[Assistant] You know what, you know, get this dude. So my, my baby lady, she did a thing where she shares, she shares the location with me.


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[Assistant] But, that gets my locat- cause then it comes up like, share your location too. First I was like, no, no, no. Yea, you say that dude? Guess what? Haven't got jerk- haven't got caught jerking off since dude. Before I fap, I just go like this.


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[Assistant] Don't do that! I don't, dude. She will, she- You gotta get out of that. She does it, yeah, her and all of her family all have, bug each other because they want to know where each other are. A lot of girls bug each other. So they like know where, in case one gets like inducted on a Tinder date, they know where each other are.


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[Assistant] So it's like totally normal for her to share her location. So she was like, I gotta go somewhere.


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[Assistant] I, dude, I just fucking, she has, she knows where I'm at at all times dude. That's not good.


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[Assistant] I could just stop sharing my location right now. Please. But then she gets a text and it says, Matt stop sharing his location.


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[Assistant] I've let it go, like, before she would do it, I would go accept her location, not share mine. And then one day I just went, what the fuck, shared my, I was like who cares, shared my location, and it's, I forgot I even did that. So.


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[Assistant] But now, now I've been using it a lot to my benefit to where like, now it's kind of like.


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[Assistant] Sweet, dude. I pull up, cause I got caught twice. I got caught back to back pretty quick. I got caught twice. You got caught drinking off twice? Yea.


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[Assistant] And I almost, I had like got caught twice, red handed. I had like three or four buzzer beaters where like I just like slid up the pants in bed and was just like taking like a weird 4pm nap.


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[Assistant] She was like, look, you can, you can mess around all you want. You can date whatever you want. This is like back in like the sixties. This old lady told her, she was like, if you're with someone and you want to marry them, you should think about them dying. And if you cry.


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[Assistant] Then you should get married. And if you can think about someone dying and you don't really care that much, you shouldn't marry them.


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[Assistant] I was like, Jesus Christ, lady. I was like, that's a fucking good idea, actually. I was like, that's perfect.


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[Assistant] That's true. Definitely. And I'll tell you what. We're gonna kill her. I'll tell you what man, on another level.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, dude. Why don't you jog? Yea, dude. I'm not jogging. Like, oh my balls hurt, I need to have sex. She'd be like, come on, let's go. Let's go. I can't have you rupture some shit and light on fire in a canoe.


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[Assistant] That's a pretty fucking, that's a crazy idea. That must be, that went on.


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[Assistant] Did they, did they, did they at least like, drug your sniz out? Or did they vwitcher?


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[Assistant] Oh, it's the best, dude. It means so much. I can't wait. So sick. That's, you ever see the Jim Morrison movie? Where like, he like, does acid and meets the Indian in the desert, dude. You just fucking drink so many Coors Lights that you just beat Trump in the fucking, in the desert and he's like, follow me.


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[Assistant] Den den den den, you're just following him to the fucking sitar. I'm following Trump daddy. Yeah.


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[Assistant] So with that kind of wrestling, is that set up like WWF2 or is it just like?


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[Assistant] I got, uh, I got my eyes on my neighbors right now, dude. Did I tell you about the weird couple down the street from me?


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[Assistant] It's this white chick and this Asian dude, they're both pretty young, and they just smoke cigarettes around the clock.


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[Assistant] Like the other day they were smoking, they were smoking a cig in the mouth, tossing a football back and forth in the street.


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[Assistant] I was like, weird. Came out the next morning, 7am, the chicks fucking squatted against their building, fucking smoking, catching a hot snack at like, 7 in the morning, I'm like,


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[Assistant] These motherfuckers been up all night or something? Today, dude, I go outside of here. You're- some fuck- some dude pulls up.


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[Assistant] And then, yurps them, and I'm like, I thought it was yurping me, I turn and I'm like, what? And I go, oh, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever meet bro? And then I see the couple come out and then like they talk and then the dude, the Asian dude goes into the car and I'm going like, drug deal. Drug deal or are they turning tricks?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Unless the Asian dude's turning tricks, it was a dude, it was a dude who just, it was like a Rick Ross dude, just goes, yerp, from the, from like a Dodge, or not a Dodge, uh, some type of Chevy, like a Chevy Malibu, pulls up, yerps the dudes, yerps this weird fucking cigarette couple, then the dude comes across, hops in the car, and I was pulling off my rear view just like it.


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[Assistant] These guys must be strung out on fucking coke or something, cause they're out, it's ripping sick, 24 hours, they're like always outside, it's the weirdest, and they're so young too, it's so fucking weird. Really? And today I saw that, it's just like...


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[Assistant] Definitely suspicious activities, dude. You should report them. I should call in, I should just call the subway line.


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[Assistant] I have, dude, I only have one more topic, dude, I want it on the cover. Oh, let me hear it. The, uh, patriarchy paradox. What's that?


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[Assistant] So you know, did you ever hear that's how they did those studies about how, like a lot of feminists say that gender is just like a social construct. Yea. And that like girls, you know, are just as much inclined to become like army tank mechanics than a guy is and all that shit. Yea, it's all very true.


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[Assistant] So get this, so they did this study, Peterson always talks about it, how like,


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[Assistant] JP's a postmodernist, dude. Not in Marxist postmodernist, but he- I'm, uh,


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[Assistant] I'm at odds with this views on postmodernism right now. Alright.


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[Assistant] He know, he can feel me dude. He touched, I think one time he brushed my fucking, my jacket dude, and he fucking. He's in the matrix. And I was like, who stole my powers dude? He's full matrix. Dude, I mean.


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[Assistant] Guys, I wouldn't want to be in his fucking brain either. So there was a study where the countries that...


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[Assistant] That are like the most, have the most gender equality mandated into law. Like the most gender equal societies. Women then turn to go do traditional gender roles.


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[Assistant] And this is a study with like 100,000s of people, 26 different countries. So it's like well documented scientifically that like women do when all things are considered tend to go gravitate toward, when you level the playing field with, you know, whatever, they tend to overwhelmingly gravitate towards like, you know, nursing traditional type stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, but in societies where that's not the case, that's where you see more of them, like the fucking bandana muscle chicks being like, anything you can do, I can do better. So when finally it's the weirdest thing. Cause like.


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[Assistant] Well, it proves feminist theory in terms of like social construct stuff. It proves that wrong.


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[Assistant] But it's like, well, you know, but then they, at least they get like equal on some level from stuff and then they just go back to their, just their same old business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the women were typically gatherers, they're, they're the big, uh, they, apparently women got the most food, cause most, most, it was nuts and berries, it was like, it was like the guaranteed thing, and men would go out for like the spectacular kill.


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[Assistant] So people- But dude, here's the funniest part of this, it's like- I mean, dude, we die at war all the time, workplace fatalities, 98%, it's whatever. But dude, the funniest thing of this whole thing is you go through all this shit


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you just end up in the same place again. More or less. You know what I mean? Which is weird to think about. That's like the old, that's like a huge global argument with everyone's girlfriend. To where at the end it's just like, this is what, yea, this is what I said anyway. And you're like, whatever. And you're like, yea, this is where we,


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[Assistant] It's just like, it all, that's just so crazy to me. It all just goes back to the, what people thought.


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[Assistant] Why did we just fucking do all this shit? But I guess, you know, maybe it makes-


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[Assistant] I mean, it's such a corny, like hacky thing to be like, I just don't understand them. But like, I've really been trying to understand them for a long time. Trying to understand women.


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[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I kind of, I got a good glimpse of them right now, but my, my glimpses, my theories on them are just overwhelmingly like-


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[Assistant] Why am I getting this right now? They just trap you under a cover and they're like, look at me.


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[Assistant] So when you finally do say it, I'm like, yo. That one's real. For real. Yo. I love you. BB girl. For real.


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[Assistant] I love our fans. It's so funny. I love, I love. You're spreading the love, dude. I mean, that's what, say, Kanye said, dude, if you have something positive, put it out in the universe. Yo, I fucking love Kanye. I fucking love Kanye. I love him, dude.


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[Assistant] It's so funny that like, and I still shame myself about this, I was like, he's such an idiot, you guys all think he's an idiot? Yeah, I hate him. As soon as he like said something to piss off people who are liberal, I was like,


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[Assistant] Can your prefrontal cortex like counterculture? Really? You're fucking pathetic!


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[Assistant] Dude, and if they take their prefrontal cortex down with like some twisted T's...


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[Assistant] I know. I might be doing remote viewing, dude. I just see all my friends beating off and I'm like...


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[Assistant] That's why I don't jerk off as much anymore. Cause I'm not like a, I used to be like a, just like a young, supple man and I would just be like, uh, and just like, jerk off for good. Now I'm like, now I'm fucking down with it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, just like, uh, uh, uh, uh. I gotta go. I just punched my bed and I'm like, don't fucking tell anyone about this, it'll kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll figure that out. Alright. It doesn't matter. That's what's up. Uhm, buy my book, dude. Buy Matt's book. Buy my motherfucking book. Get on the Patreon. Overlook on Amazon.


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[Assistant] Dude, the one I'm working on now, I'm in a little break from it, but that'll be, that's gonna be tight. I'm happy about that one.


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[Assistant] They're all actually very nice guys, but when you walk by they all scatter.


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[Assistant] It's a nice reprieve from dudes butts. I bet dudes butts feel pretty good.


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[Assistant] So you're, if you're a black guy wearing a cowboy hat, are you Republican? Fuck yea, dude!


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[Assistant] You wanna, you wanna fuckin' talk? Oh yeah, yeah. So we tried to record an episode on Sunday.


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[Assistant] So there's, there's been people complaining that we haven't been releasing episodes. I've been out here making content for the White House.


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[Assistant] No, I mean the point is to hook up, but I feel like a hand job is for people that don't love each other anymore.


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[Assistant] Alright, sorry. Sorry. So you're in the, you're in the sleep tank. I'm in the float tank.


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[Assistant] Do your own research. I mean I don't think it would be surprising if the CIA killed a black leader.


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[Assistant] I thought it was so cool, it's actually kinda sad. I mean, I'm not shitting on anybody that met on that, cause that's fine, but like...


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[Assistant] My age range? I, I deleted both of them already. But when I had- Well, well that's what it was at first too, cause my, my, my age range was like, I didn't, I didn't adjust it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's what's real hard about it is like looking at the way chicks present themselves. But then obviously I can't see what dudes are doing. I'm sure what dudes are doing is them holding fish.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you're right though, when you hit a certain age, it's, it's, dude, when we were talking about it on Sunday, we were talking about


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[Assistant] Uh, but no, I'll tell you what, this has been bothering me lately. Again, now that I'm single, uh, I haven't been competitive mentally with other men at all.


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[Assistant] But yea, you know what I mean. Like I haven't been jealous in...


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[Assistant] Five years. Suddenly I'm like very like, you know.


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[Assistant] I thought I was having a heart attack. That was the problem, cause last weekend I was, I did shows in Baltimore, and whenever I do shows in Baltimore I stay at my parents house, which is in Mechanicsburg, which is where my ex lives. And the entire time I was there I just, cause I don't talk to her, so now I was like, she's just around? Like it's a small enough town that I was like, I could see her. At any moment. And then I had to write this thing.


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[Assistant] So I tried, and I couldn't figure out my parents wifi. So I was like, I'll just go to Starbucks and type this fucking thing. And then I get there and I was like, this is the only Starbucks. She's gonna walk in. Any moment. And that's when it happened.


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[Assistant] But, uh, there was a dude, so I was sitting along the window, and there was a fucking dude in like a UMass football polo. And he was on a laptop, and he had a bunch of paperwork, and he was big. I was like, oh, he must coach there. And he was like,


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[Assistant] It was just a, it was a funny video. So then this one we were like...


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[Assistant] Man, fuck this team, yo. I'm here for myself trying to get a scholarship.


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[Assistant] Antonio M. Silva. That sounds like a fuckin author. Yea it does dude.


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[Assistant] But dude, one day, when the aliens come to like the wrecked earth and dig up the artifacts, they're gonna find this laptop and just be like,


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[Assistant] No, I'm talking about like Indians, like, not Indians, Indians.


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[Assistant] Speaking of which, oh my god, I was actually doing a little racist research, dude. Hell yea. I was trying to find out, I was trying to see, I was in a parking lot, uh, Brittany went in to Target to get something, and I was just like, alright, I'll wait in the car, and like, I don't know what...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess whatever, we would have been talking about something, I was like, there's gotta be real stats that like, prove Asians are bad at driving, and I was like, do I try to figure out like, by, like auto accidents, by ethnicity, in terms of fatalities?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Asians are the lowest fatalities, which makes sense cause they do drive, no one said they drive reckless, they do drive slow. They're very technical about their driving. Yeaah. They look like, if you look inside of an Asians car, it's like a fucking boat shit. You know those big wooden fucking boats? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I'm like alright, so Asians were like 6% or whatever it was, very low percentage of traffic fatalities. Uhm, black, white, Hispanic, all tied. Wow.


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[Assistant] That is, that is true that like, I, nobody gives a fuck. That's like,


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[Assistant] Yeah, that must be like a real hard like, oh fuck dude. Wow.


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[Assistant] I mean, if they fucking want to, they'll do it. If they want to, they'll do it, but apparently you're not supposed to, everything's supposed to go through like, they have like an, like a, almost like a tribal government, you know, quote unquote. But I mean, if the, if the fucking boys need to get on there, they're going on the fucking rez. Apparently they have to stay off the rez, dude. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew a guy, my bus driver and grade school son like chilled on an Indian reservation for a while and he said it was like, they like grow weed and shit and you can do whatever the fuck you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My bus driver Charlie was like my, it was like my favorite bus driver for sure. But he, uh.


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[Assistant] I used to sit up front and just chill and talk to the bus. He was the man. Cause we used to get in trouble on the bus. Me and my cousin used to get kicked up to the front seat all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I think we were on like a, one year me and my cousin got brought up to the front seat and were put on a full year front seat treatment where we had to sit in the front no matter what. And I think we had this guy Charlie came on and took over for Cheryl. Who looks exactly like the bus driver from South Park. Ms. Crabtree. Right? Crabtree? Yea.


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[Assistant] So this guy Charlie, like we were like sitting up there talking to him and he was like, yeah, dude, like I think it was like the first or second time, like sitting up front with him. He's like, dude, my son has moved to an Indian reservation. This girl has huge tits, dude. His girlfriend, I'm talking, he was like, dude, I've been doing the hand signs. Do the hand signs with tits, taking his hands off the steering wheel with the kids. That's awesome.


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[Assistant] What grade were you in? I was in probably like 7th by then. I was old enough to appreciate like big fat titties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy was the coolest fuck, dude.


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[Assistant] I don't know if you have any bumps like this around you, like in the road that are like, it's a legendary, like if you go over, it's a five mile per hour, like signs, cause if you hit this, you'll catch air in a car. It's a fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're in the back of my cousin or we're like in the car like Charlie, dude, you won't speed over this bump. And he's like, I'll hit, I'll hit a bump. I don't care.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're all like, oh wait, like we realized he was about to do it. Charlie, Charlie, no, Charlie stop. Dude, he hit this bump. I swear God strike me down if I'm lying. A girl went up out of her seat and her head hit the top of the bus.


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[Assistant] To make like a, I guess I'm a, I'm an eternal optimist. Imagine you and all of your dogs becoming single at once like that. This guy's like, my ass is so fucked up. Dude, week two, you're probably like, what do you guys want to do? This is kind of fucking sick.


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[Assistant] With all of your other friends, girlfriends for sure.


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[Assistant] Party rocket in the house dude. I would just try my, I would spend the rest of my life trying to reenact that limo scene with me and my boys dude. I would just be in limos 24 7 dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I tried to be spooky. No, I tried to just be like, be like, look at that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was trying to be spooky next to the spooky inflatable thing and she was just like, alright dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I predicted you were going to be in the desert. Remember I said that? You're going to drink through like how Jim Morrison goes into the desert. Oh yea, he said that last fucking, yea dude. He drank a bunch of Miller Lights and fucking...


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[Assistant] Someone just asked me this, well I don't fucks with Kavanaugh because he helped author the Patriot Act, which I'm out of fact on.


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[Assistant] However, dude, that situation, I-I mean, I'm hearing it from so many people, like, fucking Kavanagh, this country's fucked, it's like...


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[Assistant] Again, dude, I bring it up all the time. This is the same situation the Clintons were under. Pill. Multiple rape allegations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He tried to give her the cross face. He got drunk. He didn't fall on a girl drunk and be like, I'm trying to kiss her. I'm talking Bill Clinton, like grabbing ass in the Oval Office and be like, I'm going to fuck you fucking like he had serious. He had like literal rape.


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[Assistant] I'd let the- the clint- no, you know what? I'd let Kavanagh's limo explode and I'd- What? Meet the Clintons dude, and I'd deal with them myself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'll see. What are you doing? I treat them like one of their own bodyguards, dude. What's that mean? They say like 50 of their bodyguards have died


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[Assistant] But no, I, uh, that dude, and then a lot of times people will be like, well, you can't tie Hillary to what her husband did. I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But she's married to a fucking rapist, dude. Like yeah, okay. Maybe she didn't rape the chicks, but like...


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[Assistant] Like if I was out raping chicks, dude, and someone was like, yo, Shane, you're fucked up for having this podcast with that. I'd be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like four or five black dudes who like went to Hot Topic and started wrestling, dude. They came out were like werewolves. They were very spooky. Yeah, that was scary.


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[Assistant] I meant to kick her phone. I meant to kick her phone. It's like, dude, that must've been the ultimate wawas.


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[Assistant] Dude, you've hit like a kid before an accident, and you're like, oh, when she kicked that lady over, it was probably like, wow, wow, wow.


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[Assistant] He's done partying. Who's standing with you? I'm gonna start a GoFundMe for the guy who kicked a pregnant lady. It's like he meant to kick her camera.


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[Assistant] Like, protect our boys, it was like an ironic take where they had all the young black kids that got killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then Kavanaugh, and it was like, I guess these guys weren't our boys. But the one guy who got killed on that was Emmett Till.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like, yeah, it's probably shouldn't throw the till man up on his cabin. Yeah, cause we believed all women on that one. Yeah, dude. So that's kind of like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the classic response to that is like, well that's very rare. It's like, okay, then take out the word all. You could be like, I believe women most of the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I know people, I know people who rape. I know a lot of the rapists in Central Park. They were those guys. Anyway. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's, that is like a pretty dead to rights thing. I mean, like, yo bro, how about this? But then it's still, yeah, it's like, well, yeah, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's loose, bro. He's, he's in supreme court. I mean, dude, again, he was, he was like the Bush's dogs.


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[Assistant] So everyone like, they're all making up sides on this and it's like dude, they're all the same fucking, it's the same group of people.


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[Assistant] No, they were trying, people, they put him off as like, he's pretty moderate, but I think he's been against, like, gay marriage. Sick. All his damn life. Dude. The guy was asking, I'm like, oh, I just, I forget the guy's name, he's like, uh, like a light-skinned black dude. He's like, I just have to know, what is your position on, I know you've done fantastic things to the black community, what is your position on gay marriage? And he was like, capping all big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I, well, uh, and he just wouldn't answer because he was like, I don't know how it got to that, but it was, uh, it was funny. That was the other thing too. People were like, well, even if he didn't do it, he can't, the way he reacted, you can't have a Supreme Court justice react that way. And I was, I was just talking to someone about this today and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he was getting accused of rape. In front of the entire country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna dress up in my Halloween costume and just steal fucking Target. I figured out from Target too, there's another, there's another fucking trick I found out, dude. You scan a couple things, hit pay now, and then the screen comes on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From Target, yea. Why? It's not worth it, dude. I can't, I can't take that fucking hell right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a bad one. I haven't been wearing it at all. Why not? I lost it. I didn't know where it was. I counted against it. I wear it all the time. Hell yea. It's fucking sick. Apple Watch is sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. So that's what I use it for. I use this to find my phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a nice little, nice little weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What'd you do? Went to Creighton Barrel. You went to Creighton Barrel? How was it? Dude, I've got into this new, uh, it's like advanced form of BDSM. So I have all my, I just have a whole new up, like a wardrobe from Target of like good boy clothes. I have like my khaki pants. I have button downs again. Just stuff I needed for school. Oh, okay. I have like a whole...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, my khakis and button, it's like my leather- Wait, you wear khakis to class?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For work, if I need it for work stuff. Why are you wearing khakis around? For work stuff. I need them. Okay. But I, uh, I put, my new thing now is to put on like my fucking- What work stuff? I have a job dude, I have to work too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's your, what? I work, I work, I work, I have, part of school is I have to work at a place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll put on my khakis, my button down good boy clothes from Target, go to Crate and Barrel with my girlfriend and the whole time it's as if I'm in like a zipped up leather mask dude the whole time like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna say I'm taking a shit in the guest bathroom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be funny if they were, like, when you uploaded YouTube, it's like, would you like to stabilize this video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it before where like, if you, that becomes like ingrained in your habit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like sometimes it'd be like, like I didn't even feel like jerking off, so I'm gonna sit there like, fucking chill. I'm like, yeah, alright, I'm gonna come too. It's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I watched, uh, I watched parts, most of Greece today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a laborer, I'd work with these, like, these black dudes, and they'd be like, yo man, Grease 2 is my shit. And I'd be like, you like Grease 2? You like the fucking sequel? Yeah, so you're like, yo, that's the fucking best movie. My girlfriend's like, Grease is my favorite movie. I've met a lot of black people who love Grease. A lot of people love Grease in general. What? But like, dude, there's a special level. Maybe I'm just, like, taking it when I hear black people, and they're like, yeah, I love Grease. I'm like, really? Like, love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Franks, let me know if you know a lot of black people love- Franks might not love Greece, but let me know if you know a lot of black people who love-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but I think it's just surprisingly high. I didn't think like, I just figured grease wasn't like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, it is like, like, the greaser is white.


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[Assistant] It's like based off of like a handjob this guy got on the beach and he goes back and he's like, everyone's freaking out. I'm like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My old boss, well, my old boss's boss or whoever he worked with, that, it was like a 75 year old guy and he was like, dude, you don't understand, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If one of us got like jerked off in the summer, it was like talk of the town, like dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not really dude. He was like, he's like, he's like, he's like, there was like one or two chicks in the neighborhood who would fuck guys. The rest of the girls wouldn't do it unless you married them. He's like, it happened, but he's like, it's not like the shit I hear right now. Yeah. Like, I, I was coming in like, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking about having sex, I had a sex tape. You did have a sex tape out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where is that by the way? I have multiple sex tapes dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one definitely got destroyed. My dad found out about my sex tape the one time. I got a couple floating around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Judgerville dude in the whole time too, like when he would like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when Sandy comes back and she's dressed all like, or when he's like, the whole time he's trying to bust a nut, like the whole movie, like they're in the drive through and he's like, please, baby, please. And it's like, I'm just laughing thinking about later on how he was like begging masseuses to jerk him. Like, yeah, that was, that should be Grease 3. He's on the massage table and he's like, tell me my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, so, I watched Grease today. I've been reading some really sick shit to you right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, you gotta take a time out of that one. Straighten that shit out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, dude. He's treating you out like you was out turning tricks out on the west coast, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, I got, I got a lot open, I got many open right now. I'm fucksing with Gaddafi's green book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Al Gaddafi? Dude, he wrote a book. Basically, he claimed that he figured out like a whole other way between capitalism and socialism. That's my pet project right now. Trying to reinvent an econo- I'm trying to invent a new economic system. Pick up with Gaddafi. Gaddafi, he had me going for a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he, he did get like completely politically assassinated.


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[Assistant] Like Malcolm X fucked with, like he had a lot of like the, uh, like the Black Panther type dudes, like he was trying to like, allegedly he was trying to bring in like weapons and like they'd tell, they would like put him on a little screen and he would send videos over like, yo, we're gonna, you guys are gonna help me fuck up America, I'm gonna send you weapons, like we're gonna do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, my, here's my thing. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gaddafi's whole point, one of them, he lost me on the fact that, like, he was talking about, like, law and how, like, you can't, like, the only law you can have is law based off of, like, religion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You lost me. But his whole thing is that, we live in a fake democracy. Because it's like, we're split up into factions, and then, so like, say you're a Republican and the Democrats win the election, you're in kinda like a dik- like a dictatorship in terms of like, there's a thing in government that you don't want in there. That has, you know, technically power over you. That's democracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he says true democracy is like a people's congress, cause it's not, it's not even the, the political parties don't represent you, they represent the political party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's like you lose representation because they don't have your, you have no real power to like sway policy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So his whole thing was like, the parliament, the party system, he's like, it's, it's a modern day dictatorship. That just kind of shuffles back and forth. So, he apparently came up with a third way. He's like, I have a way between communism and capitalism. That's my new thing right now, is figuring out the new economic system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I came up with, well communism doesn't work, everyone knows that. To have like everyone get the same stuff and it's like, it just, it doesn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Capitalism is sick, it works, but my thing is, the whole goal of it is to have, it's like, well if we all do this, everyone will be rich and we'll all chill. Which it has been increasing the standard of living, but with the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Populate, if 8 billion people live like North America, the world would explode. There's no way you can hold it. So it's like, that's why I'm just trying to do the hard work, dude, to figure out the uh, I hope you figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm reading another book right now called Straw Dogs by John Gray. I think it's John Gray. And he's this dude who's saying that like, science


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Human progress is a myth, like the fact that like people think like, they're like, religion's bullshit, I'm a secular humanism, and I, like, we're gonna use science, and we're gonna take control of our fate with science, this guy's like, that's just a spinoff of Christianity. He's like, humans aren't special, and you're not gonna like, human beings aren't gonna be able to control their environment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's saying it's all fucking, it's a total fucking myth. It's a fairytale. It's not a fairytale. It's a chimera, dude. It's a total chimera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know what's funny too? This is fun, this is something he brought up that kinda cracked me up. So you know how people like, so driving, everyone's like, well check out technology, like I can drive and I can get like somewhere and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Five hours, you know, that would have taken us, you know, 25 hours to walk or whatever. Big this, when you factor in all the, if you take a person on the median income, like the basic amount of money, you factor in the time they have to work for the gas, to afford the car, to pay it off and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the, all the price and time you spend in like putting time in to have a car and gas and insurance and all that. If you take the, say you take 1500 miles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you take the time it would take to walk, and then you take the time it takes to drive, minus all the time you take to work and afford that car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, this guy's whole point is that like, yea, no, like, technology definitely works, but it's all coming at a price of something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that price is we're just completely destroying our environment. And he says the population of the people, and I never really like stuff like this that much, but he predicts by 2150.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you follow our population, it's similar to like that of like a viral or bacterial infection.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check this out, but he was like, if, he's like, if it is, he goes, I'm not, I'm not sold that it is, but if it, if it follows that same, um, bell curve in terms of like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like by 2150 we'll be down to like a billion people. He's predicting like in 150 years we're gonna have like 6 billion people despite the dust.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck that guy. Yeah, I read it before bed every night. I'm just like, oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I don't know who else you're talking about. He'd put spikes on his fucking trash truck dude, and we'd be just like, I'd have tons, my father's had more guns, more ammo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't buy anything, dude. I don't buy... No. I entertain anything. I don't buy anything, dude. I investigate it to the fullest of my capabilities, but dude, you won't catch me on the hook at all. I don't give a fuck. I know. You'll catch me real hard on the hook for like four months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This just reminded me of what you were saying. I was, I went to a party with my girlfriend, and uh, it was like her friends from work, and it was just like, I come up, it's just like 10 dudes drinking beer on the porch. And it was the first time I was at this person's house, so I just bought a bottle of wine as like a home, housewarming gift. I walked past all these dudes, and they were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you bring, what's in the bag, and I was like, I always brought a bottle of wine, and like, pussy, like laughing. What? Like fucking around laughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, what are you guys drinking? Fucking light beer? It's like, alright, let me, let me fucking watch out. Fucking hard asses. You hit him with that? No, I just walked by. I just like walked by, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like laughing. And then I'm laughing in my head, I'm like, they're drinking Miller Lite. It's like, whoa, slow down, renegade. Drinking watered down lager.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of what they were trying to go for, but they were like, they were trying to go, it was like in a jovial thing of like, buzzy, like, but it was just, I was laughing, it was like, yea alright dude. But in my head it's just kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was just funny to me because my head, oh my god, I'm such a bitch for having wine. I was like, wait, they're drinking fucking like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It feels like you're eating a loaf of bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You drink like four IPAs, it feels like you ate like six bagels. You're just kind of like, ugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, you read the syllabus and you're like, alright, wait, we don't have, fucking, we only have to write papers, alright, I'm definitely not gonna read like every other week for that class. We have a test, stay calm, cheat on that, perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know how people, I don't know how people, or like I used to hate too when like in class when a teacher would be like, here's what you gotta write the paper on, if you wanna like write it about something else, like you can kind of just like, when a teacher would be like just write about kind of whatever you want, people would be like, what? Uhm, uhm, and it's like, you little nerd, just fucking make something up. You need a fucking rubric that bad?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I-I-I-I don't have any guidelines, like, Jesus Christ, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By their standards. You're not a renegade entrepreneur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I'm trying to reinvent the economic system of the world or whatever. I'm close, I'm getting close dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's he feel about Greece? Love Greece, that was the first thing he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just pictured like Ronnie Coleman dude fucking as Dairy Queen. I was like, holy fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ours is gonna be Splinter Cell. You guys are gonna be like fattened calves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's only like four good ones. Yea, a lot more gross. There's only good four women watching porn that are pretty good. Alright, send me the link, dude. A lot of them suck. Here's what I'm on right now. You ever share a porn link with your friend? I've never done that. I haven't. I thought about sharing this point with you recently. You should have sent me the link. There's one I thought about. I've never shared a link. The only reason I didn't share it with you is because I jerked off to it four times in a row, and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know what this is? You know what this is? Alright. It's a girl wearing vibrating panties next to her friend secretly. Oh, that's awesome. And she's like, her friend's like watching TV and she's like looking at a camera and be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you feel like half the earth is separating, blast off into the atmosphere and you're like, oh fuck, they fucking left us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We'd all be so different, like, forget about how everyone acts at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I would just definitely pull my patriarchy card. And just be myself up in the fucking, just be like, take me back! Fucking save me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take you back to who? We're not gonna do it, we're fucking straight white men. The apocalypse happens, so just they would come out and fucking, like, spray us with fans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All things failed, straight white men would be. What I was really doing was making fun of your white privilege, dude. My white privilege? It was making fun of fucking you. Please. Please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's aw- how was it? Fucking awesome. Fuck. So awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in a nice, like, I've seen some of the first class when you walk through and look around, you're like, I was in one that was like, you literally could lazy, but it was like a nice movie theater seat. They had a fucking blanket, dude, you lay down, they're bringing spark in the wall, it's so fucking nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucked. My mouth instantly tastes bad on an airplane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I instantly get like, ass breath and then a neck pain and I'm just like, ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get like an astronaut helmet to wear on a plane. Oh, I had a crazy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys, yea, you guys probably would, we'd probably let you, we'd convince you guys of a victory, but dude, we'd be in splinter cells and shit and you wouldn't be able to figure out. None of you would be able to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure I could fucking hide in the woods and rambo you guys.


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[Assistant] Oh, me alone. Me alone, for sure. I live for this, dude. I just got a gym membership the other day and hit a punching bag for four minutes, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went into, uh, I gotta do, like, this is my cycle, I always do the same thing where I start working out for a while, like, dude, this is fucking awesome. And then I stop, for some reason I stop, and I can't go back for like four months, I cannot go back to the gym for four months, and I finally got a gym membership, and they have this, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Punching bag, like, in the back, tucked away, and it's- it's 24 hour access. Someone in there, like, fucking 9.30 on a Friday, starts fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally, me and my cousin grew up next, we have a fucking, a battlement dude, that like.


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[Assistant] All we'd have to do is fence it off, fire up the tractors dude, and we'd be off road. It would be...


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[Assistant] Yeah, you guys are definitely, you guys are badass. I would, no. You guys are badass. I would, you know in Game of Thrones when you see like the general just like go approach the other, like go, you know when you see like, like Jon Snow walk into an enemy castle and you're like, Snow you're gonna get killed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get that now, I would fully go up in Mechanicsburg and walk and just be like, hello, fucking, just come in.


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[Assistant] Sam Tripoli and he had this dude off the grid, Ryan, and the other, the one dude is like, fuck you Tripoli, and apparently he just left it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a nice run. Sucks we fucking-


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[Assistant] It's like, it's like all great bands, dude, you know, there was fucking cream and the traffic and you know, just we're just fucking expert musicians.


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[Assistant] I'll probably just go solo honestly. I'll probably have like a crazy solo podcast career.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to think of someone who came, who came out solo and just absolutely crushed it.


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[Assistant] Don't be a fucking gay pussy. Nah, I'm more of a little monster than anything else. Gaga.


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[Assistant] Not a motherfucking thing. Buy my book, that's all.


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[Assistant] I can't wait til you- I can't wait til you- I can't wait til you're up there and you're like...


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[Assistant] We'll see. If not, you know. See, I'll have to check my fucking sketch, dude.


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[Assistant] That's all he needs to hear. It's just like, wait what?


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[Assistant] That vid might- fuck that fucking lady dude with the vibrators on dude.


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[Assistant] This thing could, you could, this is like Socrates and Plato, dude. This is. This is the Ptholome, dude. This is Ptholome.


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[Assistant] People gotta understand, dude. What you, what you gotta do now? What's your next schedule?


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[Assistant] Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. No, no, Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. But, I can always squeeze, I can squeeze it in the morning or night, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So maybe... Do it on Thursday night. Do it on Thursday or Friday night.


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[Assistant] This Saturday I gotta give a talk about drugs to teenagers.


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[Assistant] That's gonna be lit, dude. I'm bringing in fucking, uh, there's gonna be conspiracy theories. That's gonna be fucking wild, dude. What kids? Bunch of fucking kids in West Philly.


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[Assistant] Dude, it's like Santa Claus, dude. He was friendly. There's like 50. It's like the undertaker. There's been like 50 different undertakers.


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[Assistant] We're talking about how we got caught with a bull in down south and how the judge like, or when like the cop was there, Andrew Lee, and I was like, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't understand why people are so hot to defend fucking Islam. I don't understand, like you trash every religion in the book and be like, let's pick the most ridiculous one and be like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he doesn't, he doesn't, that's a no judgment zone in terms of age too.


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[Assistant] He'll fuckin' hook you up, dude. When he comes, you get to fuckin' heaven, it's just all 12 year olds, and you're like, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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[Assistant] Raise it hot and then fuck it. And jerk off to her for 12 years and then.


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[Assistant] You know, I watched a thing on that commercial and that guy's like Italian, that actor. He's not a Native American. Really? That's not- 100% on that famous- It's not surprising. Later, like, yeaah, it's not- Yeah, it's cool on the iCry thing as a fuckin' Italian guy. They're not gonna hire some fuckin' savage? That's a fuckin' savage-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, the dude in that commercial, his real name was Oscar Iron Eyes Cody. He was an Italian actor who did more than 200 films as a Native American. He took all their fucking work. 200. He stole a Native name too. That's more than Kevin Hart.


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[Assistant] I texted him a while ago when I first visited him, I was like, oh man, I can't wait to go down there and kill the president. And then like, I got down there and he was like, you cannot text me shit like that. Just cause like NSA and like Washington and stuff, now I'm flipped out about what I text and shit like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I had this problem. Do you guys show your regular soft dick to a girl you're with when you're walking around over small dicks?


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[Assistant] Also he was there, but like he wasn't there, like he didn't get shot at, and there's like a famous painting and or picture that they styled up or whatever, Hitler in a white coat at the front and shit. Like dude, you were way in the fucking back, you didn't get hit.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna record an album in like, uh, three months.


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[Assistant] I gotta talk to you about that, I'm pretty sure, before we talk about it. It's a good room. It's a good room, and they'll have me, probably. Alright, that makes sense. Took me a second. Yeah, I don't know. Either way, I gotta plan it out, and then we're cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Beauty was definitely fucking creeping with Kastan, dude.


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[Assistant] German episode dude was so fucking funny.


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[Assistant] What's that? You're on Royce? No, I'm not on Royce! My mom came over for lunch the other day, and she said, uh... What'd she say? Nah, it was in a t-shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I weighed myself and I'd lost a little weight. So the problem is that I wasn't eating any carbs really. And so then I just started upping the carb intake. Carb cycling. Yes. So for about a month now I've been really putting the carbs down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so then my mom comes over and I'm in a t-shirt and then, like, we're just talking and then she goes, so you still working out? And I was just like, am I still working out?


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[Assistant] Because it should show, but it doesn't. And the reason it doesn't is I honestly have extremely narrow shoulders. If you saw me with my top off, clothes just- My top off? My shirt off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I watched this guy, Jeff Cavallari, who, uh, is on YouTube. He's got Athlean-X. He's fantastic. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think just like general confidence, I suppose. Nice. But, that was, so, given that I had


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, uh, like a canvas. You've got a nice starting body structure. A mesomorph.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm an ecto, so I have to put the- You have to, you gotta.


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[Assistant] So, but my shoulders are still narrow, so what happens with t-shirts is they start to get like stretch marks around, like my, my, my tits. Your pecs. Right, yeah, my pecs. Wow. And then, but the sleeves are long. So I googled it and it was like, I was like. You gotta put a package


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, so I Google, you know, men's shirts with very short sleeves.


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[Assistant] And so, so then it's like a post from 2012 and somebody's like asking what I'm asking, how do you get those very short sleeves? And like the first response is, I'm just kind of quoting here, it's like, are you going to be one of those faggots?


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[Assistant] Yeah, cause it was, but it was doing the same sort of like, that same sort of thing you were talking about where you'd see


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[Assistant] You know, somebody out doing something. And then I'm just like, I don't know. It was having a negative impact, I think.


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[Assistant] Let's hear the defense. No, I'm not defending what my dad did. There's no defense.


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[Assistant] You're just validating all my concerns about people. Why? Because that's the whole thing. I'm always like, I would sometimes get panicky if I left a drink.


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[Assistant] It was, uh, I was in middle school and I had, uh, I had like, I didn't, I didn't use the public restroom because... I never shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was, so I had to, uh, I had diarrhea that morning and then it was kind of one of those things where it was. I love dorks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's go and get similar creatures.


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[Assistant] The way I honestly thought you dated women.


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[Assistant] And this was like in college, but also because, you know, I didn't date


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I look back on mortified. Of all the, like, I'm fine with pickup artistry and all that silliness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She, you got hard. No, I didn't, but, but, but, uh, I was really hoping- You wanted the option. I wanted that option. I remember, I heard this somewhere, and I think it was about, uh, sex on, like simulated sex for a movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where some actress told this to the male actor. She's like, it's cool if you do, cool if you don't. Insofar as like getting an erection.


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[Assistant] Then that's like, you gotta network. So especially with your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, the American Academy of Pediatrics for a bit, uh, allowed what's called genital nicking for girls, which is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there a way of trying to be like, you can still fuck with it, but just not to the point that you're removing the clitoris?


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[Assistant] Then why can't I just have a crazy culture that doesn't respect their culture, but you have to respect mine?


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[Assistant] Yeaah. It's not that hard actually, it's pretty easy. But it's preparation for my new diet. I tried to tell someone about this last night and I watched them repress the information that I gave them.


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[Assistant] My new diet basically is plant based, but if I feel I deserve meat, then I'll eat meat. After this 30 days is up, if I do something that I deem like monumental enough to deserve meat, I'll, I'll secure like, depending on like how good of a thing I do, like maybe a couple chicken wings if it's a little thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're supposed to drain yourself of carbohydrates to the point where your body starts running off an alternate fuel source, which is your fat.


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[Assistant] You're like an Eskimo. So Eskimos are fat as fuuuck.


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[Assistant] They got good skin. They got great skin. They do. I bet they're not that fat. No, they're probably ripped. Yeah, they're wearing parkers. They're fucking ripped, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you watch that, some guy and some girl, they're like two vapor viewers and they join forces to do like an episode. He's like, so what do you have going on? She's like, yeah, I just been vaping. And, uh, and he's like, yeah, it must be easy for you to get subscribers. You're like, you're, you're pretty attractive. Like it just ends.


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[Assistant] I think the sad realization that the general populace is fucking dumb.


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[Assistant] I'm thinking more Machiavellian. I'm thinking like the crowds are profane and dumb. Oh, well, yeah. I want to just make sure I stick to my points there. I think. Yeah, everybody agrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be there. It's gotta be there. Hips. Bikes, folks.


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[Assistant] Dude, I actually saw in real life the other day, I parked and it was like a Sunday. This lady came out of church. She was probably like 40 or 50. She was leaning into a car, like doing something in the passenger side and the wind was kicking. I felt like rocking my car and I was just like, no way to dress. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well there you go. 100% hot. Yeah, but I was just like, she turned around and looked in my direction. I'm like, if she'd caught me out, she would have had like beef. She would have reason to have beef because I sat there and I sat on it. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to look. No, I actively perved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll get like stressed out or bummed or something will happen. Really, usually I'm, I'll get in a fight with my girlfriend. She'll go to bed early and I'm like, I'm a fucking jerk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta check in. Like, so I can check in right now. So if I begin, it's like, was today a porn clean day? Yes. Or you say, no, I relapsed. And if you relapsed, it's like, how many times did you jerk off? Blah blah blah. And then it says, do you feel tempted? No, I didn't. I feel like this breeds guilt. Was today a masturbation clean day?


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[Assistant] It was, but I don't- I'll masturbate, but I just use my memory now. No porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, if you masturbate, if you have sex, you have to say, like, were you thinking about porn during sex and all that stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're doing too much. No, it's not. You don't understand. I disagree, cause it's like, if my parents when I was younger, cause did they forbid porn in your house? I mean, they weren't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, if you got caught with it, what happened? Did you get busted ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, cause I mean, I agree with him though. See, my parents were like, dude, don't watch porn. I think in a relationship, you should save all of your sex energy for your significant other.


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[Assistant] We were like, no, it was like a very friendly like play argument kind of thing. But I just proved her wrong. It was like...


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[Assistant] No, no buts about it. I was right. I supported the argument. I won. She goes, I mean, I guess.


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[Assistant] I guess. No, you don't fucking guess. Yeah, you're wrong. You are fucking wrong.


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[Assistant] He slides you a piece of candy. He's like, what you guys do today? Oh boy.


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[Assistant] It's just, like, what was the thing? Like, I wrote this old ass letter.


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[Assistant] That's weird. How are they painting her as like the, like, this on edge lady? Is she like a prankster?


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[Assistant] Get the fuck outta here. Well that's also bullshit too, well I guess that was before like JK Rollins and like Jennifer Weiner.


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[Assistant] Crush it, dude. Jennifer Weiner, good in bed. She fucking sold millions of copies.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's fucking crazy to keep that going.


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[Assistant] I've seen, I've wondered about that specifically with like how that, with that Snapchat, how that interferes with people's normal behavior. So now people start acting differently because of the internet, which is weird to think about. Totally. It is, it is all for white chicks, dude.


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[Assistant] I'm just seeing if I can get behind that. I've seen more white chicks do it.


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[Assistant] I got you. Or almost like a double compensation where it's like, you're like super black power and it's like, dude, you have a four car garage. That's what I mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that was just stinking, bro. You're like, don't fucking leave me out here. Oh, I wasn't like that. I know, I know. Serious. I know. You alright? I'm chilling, dude. Yeah. You actually just reminded me of yesterday, the, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was at the, uh, when I was at the thing, this guy, when I was watching the game, this dude started talking about how like the crime in Philadelphia and he was just like, he's like, yeah man, he's like, you know, he's like, it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All racists. He's like, all racists commit crime. I'm like, sick dude. Fucking thanks, good insight. And then he's like, but if you ask me, he's like, you should take them all. You know, like, I'm talking like white people, black people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some guy in the middle east. I was thinking concentration camp, but I was like, nice dude, yea, that's a good one.


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[Assistant] Fucking, like, painful growth with like a nasty red like, blood clot looking thing on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was what the blood clot, dude. I'm glad it's-


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[Assistant] Yeah man, I needed her to this time. It wasn't fun, you know, before in the shower it was just us kidding around, but this was like, no, for real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was fucked up. It was an Alex, okay, so it was that. It was like this fucking thing. It was like a grape. And then it like, deflated a little bit, but elongated a little. And it was just this like, so I had this like hanging flap of skin that was like painless.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, it was just like this thing that was hanging from my ass. I don't even know, I haven't like, felt around my ass for a while, so I don't know what the situation is right now. But it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. Doesn't hurt. So, I gotta, I gotta go to the app, my fucking shitty insurance has me going to the ass doctor. Oooooh. Wednesday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad told me about this guy, he was a dad of one of the girls of our class in grade school. And he found out this guy like had a porn stash through the grapevine and was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He told me that he was at his buddy's house. His buddy actually was a bit of a freak, had some porn.


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[Assistant] Yeah, even imagine how bad the bang bus smelled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking cherry bomb. For sure. I talked to a guy today who got arrested for fireworks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he had four. But, he went into, he wanted to get his social security card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is back like before fireworks were legal in Pennsylvania. It was actually the year before. He had four M.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for just, they, I think it was like this, it was two to four years he did too, and they were like, if you have ten grand, we'll get you a lawyer who could act as a witness testimony and totally fucking crush this, and he's like, yeah, I don't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he said a year later fireworks became legal in Pennsylvania.


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[Assistant] Bam. I see like the dudes with the metal detectors are like just checking pockets and I'm like, yep, can't come in right now. Like I'm fucking out. And then you leave, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go throw it in your fucking car. 30th street station. Did you ever walk by like the dog?


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[Assistant] They're looking for bombs though. I couldn't take the risk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I don't know how I got on that tangent. That just blew my mind today. That's crazy. That is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, this is fucking, why are we doing this? Like, this is crazy. And the guy was like, your honor, this isn't a matter of blah blah blah. And like, the dude got weapons of mass. And so he's like, my record, I have to go explain to people. He's like, I have weapons of mass destruction. They're like, dude, what the fuck did you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently those prosecutors have to get like, if they, if they smell blood, they're like, wow, this will be an easy one. Yeaah. And they just crush you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually thinking about my dog the other day, like, before it got found, just bombing around, cause I'm like, I would love to take the leash off my dog, Jackson. Jackson was homeless? Yea, he was just bombing, he was a puppy, he ended up at the Y in, uh, Olney in North Philly. Nice. He was just kicking around, I'm like, dude, he must have been so funny, just bombing around the streets, like, dum de dum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he, dude, if a bus comes, he goes like this, and he's like, kinda skirts over. He's street smart, he's street smart, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone's like, I cannot love this dog. And I came down, I was like, yea I'll take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ruined, I fucking ruined, well, inadvertently, but I ruined, I fucking, uh, right near my house there's like a, a stretch of land where like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They had, uh, so I like saw, it was snowing, so I'm like, cause I've tried to let them out there, like chill with the rich dogs a couple times, and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't go well. They didn't do anything bad, they just got too hyped, so I'm like, snowing out, maybe they'll be like a little more peaceful than snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was like 9.30am and people just instantly leashed up, my dog started barking, like my dog barked and everyone was like, ugh, I got all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kinda just like, that's the new way I think, like, rich people now are like, alright, we're gonna get dogs and like, fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're just gonna be dickheads at the dog park, because we can't be like, get out of here!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like you get your dog and they come here, come here. No, I don't want you playing with that dog. It's for your safety only. They sit there and they're like look at you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually thinking about that, of like, if girls were to like, fully take the reins and just let, they would like, it'd be their go at like, establishing civilization and just let them go and make it like, they made all the same mistakes. It was like, girl Hitler and shit. They're just like, oh fuck it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm wait, I want, dude, I, I would like, if Hillary did it, I'm like waiting for a girl to fully take the reins. You know how hard the blame's gonna be? Like Obama got hard blamed, Trump's getting hard blamed, when it's finally a girl, it's gonna be funny, all the anti-girl president people who come out are like, boo! She fucking sucks!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I saw some guy, it was, I was like, I get to like the news blurbs to my email. I saw a guy who, uh, fuck. I saw this one dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who was saying, like, he's running for, like, some guy's running for governor, blah blah blah, and it's just like, he also stands, he's against the shooting of unarmed black men, and he's also pro-immigrant, and it's like, what the fuck, dude? Such a weird stance, like, oh by the way, he's against murdering people without guns, it's like, that's not a fucking platform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get, you can get through dude if you want to. Yeaah. They'll take you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's right. Yeah, trash prints. Trash prints. It's blue blood, dude. Yeah, dude, I'm absolutely blue blood with trash. It's funny though, cause like, I have a dumpster across the street from me. It's an ongoing construction site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little too caustic, you can't play in salt, you'll burn your eyes and eat up your shoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing some tamping one time. I don't, you don't need, you just need a tamp. I was doing a thing with an engineer and you need it 97% compaction rate and my uncle will stand, dude, when an engineer would come to a job, my one uncle would just like try to like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember I used to get in the dirt trenches. I didn't know trenches were dangerous. Cause they can cave in and it'll kill you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you were like digging, if you're gonna like dig up and there was like an electrical service and you had to like get down and dig, if you're like, if you're in dirt and it's like up to your head, that dirt collapses. Even if your head's up, you die instantly if the weight of the dirt crushes you. Oh, we talked about this. Holy shit. It asphyxiates you. Even if it comes up to like your chest, you're fucking, it constricts your blood so much, you have a heart attack.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Holy shit, that makes sense. Yeah, trench safety is real, real important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That work does, it's, when I did demolition, the coolest thing, that sucks too, but like, if you drink a bunch of coffee and get jacked on caffeine, you start breaking glass, it does until like, they'll just like knock a building over and they're like, alright, uh, that was cool watching that fall, and they're like, separate the fucking brick from the metal, and you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jews run Hollywood, fucking aliens built everything. Like you could believe in ancient aliens being labor, but if you're a CEO, as soon as you're like, I don't know, dude, could be life out there and they could have built, they're instantly like, dude, you're fucking, you're fired. You gotta fucking break rock, dude. When you fucking believe in aliens, you're, you're fucked.


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[Assistant] And even your co-workers would be like, tweets n-words all the time.


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[Assistant] The thing that sucks about that is it'd be so many people like, FUCK YEAH! I know.


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[Assistant] Bro, they, it's, it's so fucking funny. Nice. It's so good. That's always good. That's exactly what they do.


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[Assistant] Well didn't you show him that like your guys' videos got like tons of views?


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[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, that's, we never ever talked about it. But you watched him just drift to the fucking dark side.


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[Assistant] We never talked about it publicly. It's funny you think about like that wealth just like going back into the economy just like that dude squandering it.


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[Assistant] I was just freaking out cause I was like, I was telling them how I got like, I'm trying to push the limits dude, I'm a psycho nut.


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[Assistant] I'm like, I'm like the weakest psycho in the world. No, I was just eating like a high dose edible. And I was listening to a contact while I was taking a shit. He went on this rant about something that like, and I'm like bugging out as it is, and then like as I'm bugging out I'm trying to get my like sure footing, and I just hear Chris O'Connor being like, and I'm gonna ski, I'm gonna ski on grass, and I'm like oh my god.


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[Assistant] MySpace was like a little bit beyond, a little bit below my age, my age didn't really catch on in MySpace. Unless you were like really trying to fuck some young snooze.


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[Assistant] Don't dunkie it. There's like a dunking flag, I think, that flies over dunkies. True, yea.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, oh it's definitely 1776 in India. They're fucking wild right now, dude.


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[Assistant] But, dude, the book I'm reading about social media is basically how, like, social media thrives off this. We've all been tweaked and, like, fucked with and we're all, like, competing for arbitrary internet points with our own little, like, feedback loops. Someone in here is a karma whore. Hey, I'm a karma whore, okay? I admit it.


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[Assistant] Whatever bro, you're 1% you, I'm not, I'm not, dude it's crazy how I didn't show up.


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[Assistant] Now I'm telling you dude, it's just, like, you don't catch it. Billy probably has like 2%, Billy probably got all mine. I'm pure Americana, dude.


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[Assistant] Oh my god. Dude, this lady is just sitting there being like, and she was just complaining about how like racist like one of her clients was being, but she was like, yea, and I was saying stuff like, oh, they're Puerto Rican, they're probably friends and blah blah blah. But then you take them out and they're like, just complain about everything. I'm like, you're the Academy of Music, this isn't nice enough. And they're like, we're so far away.


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[Assistant] Dude, I- I never knew- I didn't know Jewish- No, for real, I didn't know there like really were Jewish- But I heard- First time I heard someone being like, been a fucking Jew, blah, blah, blah, I literally was in college and I was like-


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[Assistant] Video tapes? I got the dossier on the boot. That was nice. What happened to him, he tried to go like super woke on the black cop.


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[Assistant] He flamed him. He flamed him, bro. He fucking flamed Joey.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you've had hours of video content out, you're exposed, your belly's showing. Obviously. But if you're just in the shadows, well dude, I'm telling you, the book from Jaren Lanier about why to delete your social media account, it's like we're all getting fucked, we're all getting tweaked.


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[Assistant] So dude, I was talking about this in the last one. So the whole point of Facebook is to...


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[Assistant] Basically make you addicted to the platform and then what they do is they sell.


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[Assistant] So you're not even like, I'm grouped in with people that look at the same type of shit I'm grouped, or like, whatever, so it's not like on the individual level, it's the metadata level.


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[Assistant] He had the bug, dude. Yeah, he fucking locked his ass up. Good. That's fucked up. That's a kinky.


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[Assistant] Well, why though? Like, so who gets off on it? The guy knowing he's having risky sex or the guy who has it being like, you're about to catch the bus?


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[Assistant] I was so mad he found my love- you found my love letters, you caught me jerking off, blew myself the spot about that.


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[Assistant] I made a fake one when I was in college and I...


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[Assistant] I was like hooking up with this girl, and she was in a... Yeah, I was getting pussy. She was in a sorority. So I was like also friends, I was like friends with her friend.


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[Assistant] Like, I don't know, what do you think, blah, blah, blah. My mom says I should get out more, like I don't see people, and she's being like real nice, like, oh yeah, come up and visit. I'm like, oh, that's cool. I was like, my mom says too, when I stay over, you have to stay awake the entire time. She doesn't want to be awake all the time. She's like, uh, okay, we can figure it out. Like, we're going to drink. My mom said I can have like a couple drinks with you guys. Actually, my mom's going to come too and do this. Lady was like,


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[Assistant] This guy carried away, the girl was like egging me on and laughing, and then eventually, like once the girl turned on me, she was like, yea that was kinda weird, I was like, fuck you dude.


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[Assistant] No, dude, I just fucking, I got sucked into the digital landscape, dude. It's not our fault, bro.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, dude, that's disgusting. What do you think about that, Bill? It's disgusting. Of course.


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[Assistant] Do you ever hear, uh, sex in your house? Yea. That's awesome. You like it? When you hear sex, you're like, sweet? It doesn't get me going. I'm a bass sound hound.


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[Assistant] Went through 250 CDs to find it. Found Boss a Night in My Body volume 5. One night in Paris.


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[Assistant] We were hitting it, and we were kind of laughing, we were like laughing towards the end of it, just like, this is hilarious. We can fucking snitch, fuck you. I remember seeing that and jumping in on that, being like, fuck yeah dude.


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[Assistant] When Britney's family comes over and they all stay at my house, she's like, what the fuck? I'm like, dude, this is the best.


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[Assistant] The whole time you're on a reality TV show, it's like you're trying to like push your own brands. It's like a contest to like brand yourself and win like the public approval. And I'm like, they turn into fucking psychopaths. And I'm like, that's what he brought.


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[Assistant] That's the sir. Thank you. That's the sir in charge of American Idol. You wanna hear him?


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[Assistant] Sometimes. Hey man. It's what it is. This is a very very sex positive space. I don't think so. Very open space. What are you talking about?


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[Assistant] Nah, that was you guys. I'll take credit, I'll take credit. This podcast is the forefront of wokeness to where eventually people, what's going to be the new thing is everyone just fucking getting everything out and we're always going to deal in this tangle of our own feelings and truth.


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[Assistant] He could have been saying Mike, not meaning that, it could have, Michelle might not be a man.


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[Assistant] Dude, there was, I was at a bachelor party, I forget whose bachelor party it was. Someone was talking to the, uhm, he was wearing like a Keep Calm and Chive On shirt. Oh my god. And the girl- Die.


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[Assistant] The bartender was like, oh man, you guys should come to this party with us, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like, I forget the dude was like...


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[Assistant] Bartender was a fucking hooker. And she, she was, she basically marked him.


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[Assistant] Imagine that, bro. Having a couple of points. Fucking... I mean, I can't believe he was like, I got right out of there. I was like, bro, you might as well. That's crazy fantasy. He loved it, bro.


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[Assistant] He fell in love, she was fucking pretty woman.


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[Assistant] She had a pretty woman there that saved her from that life of fucking crime. Did it? Did Mel do that too?


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[Assistant] Damn dude, what a fantastic fucking, what a fantastic comeback.


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[Assistant] You heard Uncle Dan got ahold of the cast. Who? You're compromised. I don't know that guy. Wow, you had to distance yourself?


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[Assistant] Oh, dude, I didn't do that joke, guys. Hoss is starting a podcast. Saying what? Hoss is starting a podcast with, I hope this happens, fucking pray to God. He works, it's Hoss and his coworker. So it's Hoss, fucking our cousin. It's a white dude who...