[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I heard when you called and asked for a sandwich, one of the interns was like, Lewis wants a sandwich. And, uh, then Shane got here and we were outside and Shane was like, Oh, I'm hungry. And I was like, Oh, that's great. Cause gay Mike is at the store right now. And then someone was like, uh, no, I think he's still here. And I was like, no, I'm certain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me make this clear, I'm not giving gay Mike shit for being a fuck up and not having the sandwich when I got here. Okay? That's, that's a lie alarm. I just hold a flat out lie, nevermind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, what I'm giving gay Mike shit for is for possibly being a liar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Mike, you said that they forgot my sandwich. Yes. And you stand by that. They forgot my sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's just thrilled. What else can we do for you? So I mean, I think that Gay Mike is lying right now and can I tell you why? Sure. I wish we had a lie detector.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No he's not. Louis, look me in the eyes right now. I promise you I'm telling the truth. Gay Mike, can I explain to you something? God forbid you call right now and the guy's like, I had the sandwiches ready, this guy's a fucking idiot. Yea, but that's not the issue. Gay Mike. That'd be pretty great. God forbid. There's a disconnect here, okay, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You brought the sandwiches over. You brought the sandwiches over. And I'm going to tell you right now, that sandwich is a hot


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sandwich. Hot sandwich. It's a hot sandwich. So you gave it to me, it was ice cold. Technically it's on a spinach wrap or something faggy like that. True. It was ice cold. How do you explain that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A screaming and yelling match, a lying employee of theirs, and a walk over to Sonny Nanny's to hash it out with this guy, because they made a mistake. So, they make mistakes. It's impossible to make this mistake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure there's been a ding. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So Gay Mike is gonna be strapped into a lie detector test right now. Now here's the other thing. We have a special announcement today. We are announcing a brand new Winter Special Olympics. Oooooh. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Even with COVID. For the interns. Intern Winter Special Olympics. Yeaah. One of the actual contests is mouth coughing. Coughing into each other's mouths. So. Yeaah. You better have a good immune system. And a car. For Lewis. So Gay Mike, I'm telling you right now, you gotta think very carefully about these questions. And you gotta think very carefully about how you answer them. Because, I gotta be honest with you. Your job's on the line. Ding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Objection. Was it a dig? Coaching the witness. For sure. Are you sure? It's gonna dig in. We can skip it and wait for 15 seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, one thing we know is that this machine so far has been 100% effective. Bizarrely accurate. It is. It has told everyone. This machine told us that Jay liked me more than Lewis. This machine told us that Lewis is, uh, not a pedophile. Not a pedophile. Thank God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it didn't say that, it said that I've never spoken to an underage girl for an inappropriate amount of time. We don't speak. I tie that bitch up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not see the clip you put up, but the special was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know that you're never gonna put out another hour. You just feel more happy. I feel better looking. Yea, I get that for sure. You know, yea, you're the same way, dude. J, J'll see a picture of him in his side profile and he'll go into a three day depression. Three day? Well, to be fair. Comedy's all about looking good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jay's three day depression wasn't all his fault. He was dosed the day before. Yeaah. Uhm. I was up for one of those full days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I'm the only one who has no guilt in it whatsoever. And I was able to get my guilty client off the hook. Hell yeaah. No punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks. You take a bizarre amount of time from leaving to coming back. What the Christ happens in there? Last week I was on mushrooms or something. You sent me out at 1am. That's way different than- You did come back and say that and I forgave that immediately because he came back and goes, dude I was high as shit. You stared at a wall for 15 minutes or something. Is he connected? But he did come back. Is he connected?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a standard test question? Well, I'm gay, Mike. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Walter, we have to figure out the questions we're gonna ask him, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause we have to ask it the right way. I think we just go, we have the obvious one that you want to know and then we just go, we all take, we have four questions here, four of us. We all just throw one out. If, if we find out gay Mike's a liar. Or a pedophile. I have no problem with him being a pedophile as long as he's honest about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, I feel bad for you cause you have all of Lewis's 20 hours sober rage. Yeah, Mike lied a long time ago, but it was also about a sandwich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is it. Cause we, uh, speaking of which, Alex, how, cause we're doing the Winter Intern Olympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When are we uh, when are we officially doing that? Do we have a date for that yet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh shit. Special Olympics. Winter edition. Winter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How was that? Dude, if Seth Simons turned out to just be a troll and this was all an act and then he saw you and he goes, ah, you guys are pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, credit where credit's due. I got those. Credit where credit's due. Tell me a better bird poet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, okay, yes. Bobby, we're talking to a microphone so we can, so the fans can fucking hear you. Sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ready for the questions? Wait, did he just say that he's gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say it a little. We're gonna find out. I mean, that's not even fun if he does gay shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I know my way around it pretty well. Jay knew it was such a lie to say he didn't have gay thoughts that he didn't even think he could break the machine. He was like, this will obviously tell you, so I'm just gonna tell you. And it would have been, see, Jay was smart because he was like, it's funny if I just say yes. If I say no, it's just funny against me. It's like an embarrassing funny thing. Yeah, we're just planning around it the way I did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, some questions. We have to be very careful here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you respect Alex? Yes. Don't you have to ask the big question about today? No, we want to save it for the end so the reveals at the end. And we want to see if he's a liar anyway. So we find out right now, you're going to write, you're going to record the results.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No yea, you're recording the results, Bobby. Don't even tell us till the end. We can ask him that question. I have a question. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, Mike. Yes. Are you lying about these sandwiches in any way?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so we got one more question after this. Alright, I think you should ask him if he's ever. Alright, I'll ask it. Go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright. It's time. It's time. It's beginning to look a lot better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of memes, I'd imagine. I mean, you just don't want to be that guy. You don't want him to house you quick. You gotta get more beer. I don't give a f- Here's the thing, ready? Like, if I lose a fight, I lose a fucking fight. Who cares? What if you lose it in a spectacular fashion? I'm betting on you. I've committed to this. I'm betting on you hard. I'm rooting the shit. I'm so much for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uh, I don't, I don't know. I said the X factors of Jason Ellis I'm just unaware of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they put together a last minute retrospective of his career and how great he was. Everyone who came out celebrated him. And then Tuesday, after Monday night, we're all Tuesday, they come out and go, hey, we, we didn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's crap. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's crazy. You gotta separate the men from the women. We should, uh, let's ask this last question so we can get the results. I'll ask it to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever lied to Lewis about a work related topic?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, do we have enough to get five more questions? No, I think it's also time. Well, we'll see. If you're worried about the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well anyway, how do people get into the, uh, Winter Olympics again, Alex?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you make winter Olympics at gmod.com? Or you already have internal Olympics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do it. And a resume, one minute video, you gotta email internallympics.gmail.com and you have to be- What are you doing with that piece of paper? In the New York area, right? Teaching her a lesson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like white rap. We gotta be close to an hour. What do you mean? Of these? No, no, not at all. We're only 38 minutes into the show, Jay. So how would you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But Lewis, not about something personal. It had to do with work. I'm sorry, gay Mike, this is much funnier if you take another five questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You bought your son's spiral art, now you work predominantly in spiral art. I enjoy some spiral art. Spiral art's fun. We just made spiral art just a couple days ago. I know, I saw it on Instagram, and I'm telling you, that was a big thing with my daughter, doing a little bit of fuckin' Spirograph. No, don't I know it. Love Spirograph. Can I leave that video?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? You don't respect Lewis? Ooh, shit. No, he respects me. He doesn't like me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jay, he's kinda talking shit to you. Like, they were upset, but you were too scared. I would rather at least be able to fucking, you know, make a fucking impact on somebody. Jay, you're just right in the middle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fine. I know Mike has a difficult life. He's got father problems. I'd probably remind him a lot of that. This is a real cats in the cradle moment. And he knows that I care for him. And he doesn't have to worry about me. He has to worry about Dave. Jay's gonna start crying in 15 minutes. There's 15 more shots of me here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we, uhm, can we start giving Jay some of his gifts as well? Okay, Mike, here's your punishment for being a liar. Cause you're a liar, and not only you're a liar, you're a liar about work issues. Lying about the sandwich, fine. I'm gonna give you that, even though I think there's something shady going on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The punishment for gay Mike, Jay, and tell me if you agree with this. I think gay Mike should have to compete in the Winter Olympics. Yeaah. No, I don't want to have to mop a bunch of losers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you say that? No, she said it with words, not with words, with dings. That's my ding. Uh, yes, you have to compete with the Winter Olympics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, fucking resume. And then if he loses, he's fired? He's done, he's out. The, the problem, you did tell the truth about the sandwich, and we're all proud of you for that, but the problem is that you lied to Lewis about a work-related issue. And not only did you lie to Lewis about a work-related issue, you lied about it. He lied about that lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm neutral J, I'm Sweden over here dog. I don't think you're neutral, you're my favorite. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, who, you cut him, Shane? Yeah, no, he's cut, he's cut. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lewis, what's going on? So go ahead, you were telling me off air before about your fears about fighting Jason Ellis, worrying that you're gonna have permanent damage. Uh, speak on that a little bit for us, would you? Your fears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Talk if you really think you're gonna beat Jason Ellis. You're just gonna curl up like a fucking little, like, you're just gonna curl up, put your head inside the material. He knocked me off that pier, dude. Damn, dude. I saw that. That guy fucking took your soul, dude. More than a minute and I'm watching it. I'm watching the time. That guy took your soul. Alright, next subject. Apologize to Gay Mike. Gay Mike. I mean, you did...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, did you bring Molly? She went, no. And I go, that was the right move. She'd say, do you have it? No, I own it. It's just a great life. Not only do I have Molly, I didn't steal it. Yeah, I am the owner of it. It was purchased with legal tender. I lease Molly. How much Molly have you been doing, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was about a month ago. It was right before your three week in a row molly journey with us. No, me and Christina had a two week molly thing and then we, uh, and then we switched up to it and then we stopped for like a month and then came back to like a three week molly and now we're not doing it tonight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, are we questioning Gay Mike more or are we gonna dismiss him? Uhm, I think Gay Mike has to compete in the Winter Olympics. In my opinion. Defend the title dude, why not? He said- Oh, I didn't win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, that's right, he said he, he said he would dust, he said he would dust anybody coming in now though, with his, with his know-how. Jay thought he was talking about angel dust, he's like, what you got some? You got some dust?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of them was driving Lewis home. Driving Lewis home. Definitely driving Lewis home. With cones all the way to New Jersey. You hit one, you're out. We got it. Can we give Jay some of his gifts? Sure. You sure can. Which one do you want to open first?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think I should? Is there anybody, no, sorry, should I open one more? My gift is definitely the best gift. Okay, so save Lewis. Which one's yours, Lewis? I don't know. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a problem now, that's great, thank you. Anything to just get me through man, I'm just trying to be normal at this point. Alright, open, open mine first. Which one is yours? Mine is the bag with the, uh, the picture of Albino J. Better be Molly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my mind, she's already fucking, she's already marine crawled so I can't see her back to the door and outside again. I think she had, I think she just walked out. No interest. I think she just walked out. Yea, she didn't even marine crawl, she has no respect for it, she just did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jake, yes. She was right. You won't, I bet you're too much of a pussy to beat Christine right now. Dude, I'm not a pussy. I'm not gonna do it, but like, I'm not a pussy. Don't challenge me again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nice fucking gift. Dave? I was actually impressed, I was like, Jay loves popsicles. This is pretty good, he's addicted to these, I bought this. I'm gonna make those popsicles. Alright, I hope you do. It's missing one of the tops, I'm very embarrassed. Nooo! I'm sorry. Damn. You can make five popsicles and stare at them. You made five, Dan. I stare at the fifth one. Just twist it and suck it. Yeaah, you can make sex. Thanks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I feel like. I don't smoke weed anymore. No smoking weed in the studio, sorry. Gay Mike was telling you you're a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought I was gonna be able to, uh, smoke pot tonight for my birthday. You can smoke pot for your birthday, I'm kidding. Obviously. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll be the last one, don't worry. Obviously. You gonna stye again? I'll save you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who do you think it is? I think it just smells like a fart in here now. Which one should I do? Uhm. There's a little bitty one, there's a big one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jump in, man. Pick one. I don't know who's this is. I want that. You should open the red one. You choose it, Jay. This is your fucking birthday, don't you? The red one first!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was the price limit we agreed to? Five bucks. Oh, you got this for less than five dollars? Oh, fuck, I bought him a pack of cigarettes. What is this? Buddy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is awesome. This is actually awesome. This is like a great book to fucking sit on in your living room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I genuinely have a fucking bookshelf that needs books, other books that I haven't made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome. I'd like to actually take a look at it with the birthday boy. Of course you were Alan McPherson, I already know that. I had a lot of these. Me too. I remember my sister, she tore up my Pamela Anderson one and I cried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I touched her at Wrestlemania 11. I didn't. She walked Big Daddy Cool Diesel down the aisle and she came by me and I fucking touched her arm and it felt like I had touched an angel. And from that moment, Lewis has been raping women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What book? Oh I forgot about it. This is so awesome dude. Jay that looks so cool when like people come over and they just say oh you have the celebrity playboy book and then you're like hey anyone care for a popsicle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, uh, what's her face? Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, right? Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. Denise Richards? Denise Richards. AIDS. Slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She kept a nice bush though. I appreciate that. Just an encyclopedia of sluts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, she was so hot. When did she pop? She popped for, like, uh, Baywatch. Baywatch was her big pop. That's Dede Von T, that's Marilyn Manson's ex-wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Aww. Happy birthday, NecklaceJ. One day, we'll have a budget for gold. Becky. Oh, Jesus. She wrote you a note too?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She made my fucking place awesome. Really? Why don't you just get a new couch, bro? I spent so much money on that shitty fucking couch. You guys hear what I said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? It's about a couch. Yeah, I'll stop. I'll stop talking. I think it's just, uhm, are you opening up more gifts? We're almost out of beer. I will open up more gifts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this you, Luke? No, this isn't mine. Who's this one? Oh yeaah, it's Black birthday. Blackie birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, first of all, a loose cigarette. Yeah, you guys know it's my birthday in like three days? Is it? A Diet Coke, a loose cigarette. It really is. And a couple of scratch-offs, and I'm not gonna lie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not a bad game. You gotta see if you can win right now. Should I see if I win right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Libertas is up on my YouTube channel if you wanna check that out, and uh, that's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple things coming up. Live dates January 20th through 23rd. Myself, Zach Amico, Chris from Brooklyn. We're going to be at Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. And then also we're heading out to Texas Valentine's Day weekend, February 13th and 14th. Myself and Zach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the Secret Group in Houston, Texas. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, make sure you guys go grab tickets for all those things. Check out my other pods, Real Ass Podcasts, and Believe You Me, here on the Gas Digital Network.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure if you guys want to check out the entire on-demand library, every episode of Legion of Skanks that we've ever done from the very beginning. Everything, uncensored and ad-free.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I want to say one more thing real quick. This is sort of, uhm, it's like a sad thing that happened, but I know that our fan base is fucking super cool. You guys are super supportive of the comics that come on this show. Suck my dick. Cut his mic. Cut his mic. Suck my dick. Win for life. Blow me. Let, uh, let Lewis give this plug. Wait, cut his mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's really fucking sad, uhm, and they're, they just set up a GoFundMe for this little kid, one years old, one, one years old, just the saddest fucking thing in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so if you guys can, if you can afford, please go support the school fund me. We're gonna put a link in the episode description. We're gonna put it in the YouTube and, uh, and on the iTunes description as well. Just click on it, give 50 bucks, 100 bucks, give whatever you can give. Whatever you can, man. What a... It's fucking awful. Yeaah, it's really sad. So uhm, yeaah. Please help out if you can. Jay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nothing yet. Two bucks. No, no, no. Your plugs. Oh, uh, my plugs, everyone. This weekend, Josh Anna Myers, uh, working with me in Austin, Texas, Paramount Theater. Four shows, 7 and 10 PM, uh, Friday and Saturday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, come check out the show, me and Josh Eddermeyers. This, uh, Friday and Saturday, coming up, Austin, Texas, bigjcomedy.com for tickets. Listen to Bonfire, listen to SDR Show, listen to Six and Jump, listen to fucking Legion of Skanks, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three dollarinos. That's not bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not bad. It's just your birthday. Yeah, that was a lot of money back in your day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ever see a film? Uhm, yeaah. You have more gifts. There's more gifts. Open your fucking gifts. There's a gift shed. Can you hear me again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, SDR show also, well he used it. I haven't, uh, you know, bought a pack of cigarettes in a little while, but I'm pretty sure that's not five dollars or under. Whatever. Ooh, that's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, cigarettes- They're all disqualified. Yea, cigarettes will kill you, but you know what won't kill you? Popsicles. Sure, well, not the same way. Popsicles are killing Jay before our very eyes. What are you talking about? I love chocolate popsicles. Jay, I've done some research, popsicles will kill you, but it was under five dollars. Do you think it's possible to make Diet Peach Snapple Popsicles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We crushed these beers. We did. Things are going well for us. Are they done? No, they gotta do more. It's the power hour. Give them more beer. There's more beer out there, right? Yea, there is. Oh, Gabe Mike's gonna go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The dry ice clears away and Lewis's most prominent brain tenant shows up, smack it all away. Son of a bitch. Uh, open another gift, Jay. There's only one more. No, there's only one more. Here's my gift. There's another one there. We should smoke cigarettes inside. We should smoke cigarettes inside. Here's my gift.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, don't smoke cigarettes inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should have been like, was that in there? I just got a card. Uh, what did I write?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a very small token of my appreciation. I like you the most and respect you as well. Oddly this came up. Did you know these questions were coming? P.S. Winter Olympics. Go gay Mike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really, foreseeing things that went down. This certainly wasn't done somewhere else or under the table when no one was looking. Man, that's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But. I won't have to now. You don't have to buy 100 popsicles because you can make them whenever you want to. I can make, I can make, I can make six, five attainable at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I've been blacked out every time. Fair to say, I've never had it in a popsicle. I dunno, I'm thinking I'll probably take care of it. You pour some peach Snapple in there. Mmm, diet peach Snapple. Yeah, I mean the best popsicle at home always was the orange juice popsicle. I'm getting high on molly and I'm not gaining any weight. Yeah, creamsicle? No, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many times was there a fucking sweaty Shane just jamming needles into his mom's belly to keep her alive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that real? Making jokes like that? Is it real? That's disgusting. Guys, there's a rift. She's type one, bro. She has like real diabetes. She doesn't have fat diabetes. I hate to see you fighting. She doesn't have diabetes. I'm staring down. Can I say my sincere apologies? Another six pack just showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better improve your attitude right now. Now that you're fucking 72. You guys, uh, you guys gotta stop fighting. I think you two should sit down. He hasn't looked at me once during this whole episode.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Honestly, like, at this point, just to be normal, if I could just have, like, if you have a little Dave, just let me, like, She's gonna take a little Molly in the morning to get up. If I could put it on my gump, by the way, Christine's so addicted, as I'm making this joke, she's probably already started sprinting home. Should I have gotten it? I knew I should have brought it. She's all fuckin' hauling ass. I'd like to do Molly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a rubble. I certainly didn't touch any posies, but I would've if I knew I could. Oh, I did. As soon as I found out I could, I was-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they announced it because you were already doing it. He goes, by the way, this is okay. Like, don't call a cop. I've never seen a more aggressive guy around strippers in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A strip club where you're just like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't go grab a chick's asshole at a strip club and spread her asshole open. Or private hookers that we've hired to be hookers at our party. That's a different thing. That's what the, wait, so you were surprised?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't at this. I just don't believe, I just, because I worked in that so long, I just always believe, like, they're so fucked up and damaged that I'm like, like, you can touch our pussy, so I'm like, aww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're very excited that we were hired. I was on Molly and I went over to the, because I used to like bring girls to that kind of a party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like that was my job as the driver of that. Like I talked to their driver guy for a while. I talked shop with him. Which was so, it was just a Jamali thing. So there you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ralph was there almost against his will, it looked like. No, our group was a bunch of fucking pussies. Stop making me look like I'm being this fucking big creepy piece of shit. I was mild compared to what these girls are used to. Certainly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Were they, some of them were cute. Some of them had fucking stab wounds. Yeah, a couple of them were gross. A couple of them were nice. Yeah. I mean, you do. Do you have any more, I think it's one more present, right?


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[Assistant] Right there, right there. No, no, no, that's Jay. Jay is hammered.


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[Assistant] A lotto ticket. A $5 lotto ticket and a handmade card. $5. Should I scratch it dude? I'm doing alright so far.


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[Assistant] Alright, I got a seven and a four. Alright guys, I got two eighteen dollars. Damn it. Nothing, nothing. God damn it, Alex. Damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a chance to, it's a chance to, yeaah. Damn it.


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[Assistant] B-Rod, yeaah, yeaah. So Lauren already gave Jay a piece of shit in a box for his birthday? If that's a piece of shit in that little paper bag, that'd be awesome. Just a little B-Rod shit, just a little rabbit turd and the thing. Awww.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet B-Rod does have cute shits. Guaranteed not. You don't think so? Actually B-Rod might be a Caucasian, uh, uh, Albino? Albino.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awww, Jay, you can hang it off your back pocket. Some fucking, some necklace work. Hell yea. Nice. Is there a clip? I'll fucking rock this shit. Gonna turn your neck green. It will. If I sweat it all, it'll be a major problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got some Etsy necklaces once and it made, it left lash marks on my neck. Yea, you're screwed. Yea, I got bad skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, shit. Uh, thank you so much, B-Rod. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, Jay. Thank you. Thank you so much. Uhm, we have other things to get to. We do have some other things to get to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't remember- We told everybody how to enter for the Interim Winter Olympics, for sure. We did that. Uh, we did our intervention. You were in Atlantic City, buddy. There's nothing really interesting that happened in Atlantic City. Nothing? Well then why would that be on the sheet? Because I said I'm gonna go to Atlantic City and I bet you something interesting will happen. Nothing happened. Nothing interesting happened. Literally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yea, I mean, really. How are the shows? The shows were good. They were like, you know, it was like theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, theater at 25% capacity, and I can only sell 25% of 25% capacity. That's what I'm doing this weekend. Like, does it look weird? Just like a space-style theater? Yeah, a little bit. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, so it's, they're only allowed to put 25% capacity, and so what, how big is the theater? Maybe 150 to 200 seats. Okay. Yeah, nothing crazy. But uhm, it was good, it was fun. AC is just the most depressing city in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a complete junkie ghetto outside of the casinos. Yeah, if you looked out, we were looking out the window and we're just like staring at like the skyline.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, like, there's like, you know, six or seven hotels, you know, you get like, you know, Trump, and you get fucking the Hard Rock, you know, all these. And then every other building is just dilapidated garbage and like homeless crackhead just walking the streets. Prostitutes and junkies. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a cesspool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine, like, how awful is your luck? You end up in Atlantic City homeless with one leg.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Depressing, complete ghetto, it's the worst, one of the worst, they did the, uh, one of the hookers at the point was all about Atlantic City. Oh, remember hookers at the point? Yea, they said jack to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you wouldn't even, you wouldn't even touch those hookers' pussies in real life. Dude. No dude. You're jacking off the hookers on the part of those gross hookers. There was one that was in every, that was in every season of it, every version of it, and she was just the worst looking, that lady with those big old fucking goofy teeth. She was so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Buddy, she was just like an older lady, it was just hilarious, but she was on all of them. She was having a tough time? It's not going great. Yea, I gotta be honest. Or was she having fun? No. Was she like goofy, like silly fun?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're paying the money, she's gonna do what you like. I've seen her be playful and sweet with people. I've seen her also do like the like, what do you like, you fucking, what's the bigger thing, you dirty dick motherfucker, just like spitting on his dick. When they would film, they would audio record them on that documentary, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blowing dude. Who's the guy that's like, you know what, I'll be in this documentary. I can't fucking believe somebody signed- you have to sign off. For sure. What if they go, hey, we'll pay for your blowjob if you, uh, let us use that audio. You know what? I could use a free blowjob.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always worry about that because how much I love the show Intervention. Only the ones that were- Intervention's pretty real. Only the ones- It has to be real. It is. I only like the ones- I said it's a let down. If they just come back and they have a video of them like three months later like, I got my kids back, everything's great. The show is worthless to me unless it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Day two in rehab, they jumped over the wall and no one's heard from them since. I get sad watching those shows. For sure, but I'm sad also, but I still need it to go. The show couldn't have helped them. They have to have escaped rehab at the end of the show where I'm like, this was a waste of an episode. Just went to rehab and got our shit together. Boo. In real life, I hope that happens, but as a TV show, wasted time. You're turning bitter in your old age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The feel, she got a together story, sort of, you're like, okay. So you work on a fucking CVS and you take care of your kids. Jay, my friend Louis here, his parents were drug addicts and he's a man who just gave out a hundred dollars. He cannot afford to have a little bit of sensitive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna give the $100 to Kim also, but not for the cause, just to get something nice for herself. Just for her OnlyFans? I'm gonna buy three months of her OnlyFans up front.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, which one of you fucking gay guys thought, uh, Ellen Page was hot? I thought Ellen Page was hot. Yeah? Yeah. You love guys. Back in the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You love Beckford Spiema, Beckford Spiema bro. Now, now I'm gonna just fight him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what if he- that's like his thing. When he runs a fight, he- he just can't- he just blacks out and just sorts the fuck in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't need to take one second. You would feel so bad. I know you, Shane. Here's what Shane, Shane tries to be too cool for school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd feel bad because they would play this clip back to you regularly on your Twitter. That's fine though, he'll get over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On this show? Yeah. Show's done. Replace you? Well look, there'd have to be this, it'd be me and Bobby, and I'd be going like, I'd be going...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's wrong, buddy? No, I do hope you get knocked out. You do hope I die, huh? No. You die? Die. You're not going to die. Dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Despite what Joe Roberts says, in no-minst words, I think you're going to live.


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[Assistant] And all I got was a dumb shirt shirt. I'll support you. Thanks bro. You gonna come to Vegas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When? Whenever it happens. Yes. I'm going. Stop moving papers around. Will you match this? I've already committed publicly to I'm gonna lay a thal on Louis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Will you wrap the words bring the pain as you come to the audience because unless you agree with retarded hurricane in which case


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, if you'll sing the national anthem in a retarded voice, I will come out with a robe that says retarded hurricane on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then a helmet of some sort. Oh yea, you gotta really play the character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the old Miami Hurricane logo and then just, googly eyes on it. Yeah, and then some palsy crutches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you, uh, dude, when you watch the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, what was on the page statement? What'd she say? As long as she said, he said, I'm so sorry. He said, uh, he said, I know there's going to be, uh, some scrutiny and people, this and that, and quote unquote jokes that bum me out. It was really, it's a real fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants it though. He and they. That's also odd.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's one more thing I want to talk about before we go because me and Dave texted about this. Dave texted me when he, uh, when he watched the Chappelle, when you watched the Chappelle, the 18 minute thing Chappelle told you not to watch Chappelle's show. Come on, killing him softly was so great. Buddy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doesn't change anything about his genius. I even thought the way he told the whole thing was good. I just think the concept is don't watch Chappelle's show because they didn't because I signed a contract years ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which? Such a white-black breakdown. I know. Oh man, that's just Geiger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I think in his prime best ever. To me, when he was at his best, I think he was the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, how about the part where the audience, I love how the audience wasn't even getting what he was going for. So at one point he goes, so now I got the word, Comedy Central is coming out on HBO and Netflix. And the owner says, yeah, we loved your old show. And he's like, no, that's bad!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like to say though, the guy who he's talking about in the story about the guy stealing his joke, his name is Teddy Carpenter, and he fucked me over pretty good too on Monday. That guy was a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But cool by the way this guy ran the show he was such a shitty like dude he's the owner of the club and he would like host and do 30 some minutes up front and then like 15 20 in between it was like brutal so I actually did well because of the timing of the show


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kuba Bice actually had a rougher time because like it was, the crowd was already there for like two plus hours, you know what I mean? Like he was getting a shitty time. He's hilarious, Kuba Bice. Uhm, but he, uh, the second day we were there, there was a padlock on the door in the middle of the day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like that they owed like 15 grand in rent or something, and so they, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They sent me home and said it was good, I was gonna bring the fire to the mic, but it was because he couldn't afford to pay me. What was it, a mix of he couldn't afford to pay you and you weren't bringing the fire? It's very possible. Yea, what came first, you not bringing the fire or them not being able to afford to pay you? This might be a chicken-and-the-egg situation, guys, I gotta be honest, but I'll tell you what, maybe I didn't bring the fire first. If you had brought that fire, they would have paid that rent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the other side of it, right? But I'm just saying, it's like, he goes, well, when I signed this Comedy Central check, I had no other option. I had to sign it. It's like, right. And by the time you were done working with Comedy Central,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, even though it's like a narcissistic move, it's not erasing his genius. He's just too good and too legendary and currently too good. It's a weird thing to ask the people. Even the weird like 18 minute speeches that he's putting out now, like they're half comedy specials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His comedy is just so good that he can sort of do whatever the fuck he wants. Sure. You know, yea, it's not gonna compare to kill him in the software, but... No, no, he can't do it, but I mean... He's not even trying. But, exactly, that's almost the problem, cause Chappelle, what's great about Chappelle is he's the best joke writer. He's the fucking best. So if he's not doing that, and he's just kinda half-assing it, going, I don't really give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's the best. He's definitely one of the best for sure. I mean, it's debatable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Burr, I think Burr's up there, man. Yeah, Burr, Burr brings the fire on that mic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, by the way, yeaah. By the way, Bill Burr, funny enough, when I came back from that show, I think Bill went and did this show and they sent him home early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for the birthday love, everybody. Happy birthday, buddy. We love you very much, dude. How old are you today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Shane, thank you so much for doing the show, buddy. Always a fucking pleasure when you're here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For me to be a part of this. The Young Bull Shane Gillis. Of course, check out Mountain Shane Secret Podcast for the Legion of Skanks. We'll catch you next time right here. Peace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tanner, come here sweetheart. Let me scowl at you.


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[Assistant] It's supposed to be hot. No, definitely. No, definitely hot. Hot and jizzy, that's how everybody likes it.


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[Assistant] Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm off the radar hot.


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[Assistant] Let me see girls with that, girls who had too much fun.


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[Assistant] This was amazing. A star is born. You're shining. That was really good, dude. That was really good.


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[Assistant] How long were you occupied? You occupied for three years?


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[Assistant] This is the littest cookie I've eaten in a long time.


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[Assistant] Heart and soul hater, heart and soul. I mean, the performance was not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a miser because he stapled his balls to a mouse trap.


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[Assistant] The United States is a world leader in prescription opioid abuse by far. How far? 90% of the world's opiates are taken here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if I told you I had the cure for the opioid crisis in my hand?


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[Assistant] So Nick Mullen, what, what can you say about him? He's not here, he's making too much money on Patreon. Never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk to Harrington? Alright. Harrington, what was your budget for trophies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excuse me sir, do you think you could go inside and buy me some cigarettes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That equates to a little over a hundred, uh, IQ points. A 21 score in the wonderlick test. What's a good, what's a good, uh, IQ? 100 is average. I bet you my IQ is fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, is that a peeping Tom must be using a camera, video cam, or some other device to record a visual image of the victim. Mere looking doesn't suffice or violate New York laws.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anywhere from 20 to 40 an hour, starting out. That's not much at all.


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[Assistant] Go for it. It's definitely gonna go well. This is gonna be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a, that's, uh, your rap was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trust me, he's not wrong, you did suck, but he shouldn't be mean.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you have a little soul? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Who's your comedic mentor? Okay.


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[Assistant] I saw you looking earlier, you fucking hack. Go ahead.


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[Assistant] No, Trey is actually my middle name. My first name is Cafeteria.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I'm lonely. Guys, I've been Trey Pei. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then I'm just, dude, if I look like this, I can't start making demands at the fucking, at the counter, right? Just, just give it to me, however you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now actually, I have, I'm here so often, I have girls come up to me because they recognize me from the show. So the show actually helps. Wow. The other end of that coin is why I'm trying to talk to a girl. Dudes will come up to me and be like, hey bro, how much weight have you lost? And I'm like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I don't wanna, I feel like I'm gonna damn myself to hell. Or this could turn into a revival, I don't know. We could fucking make dreams happen, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Think about, I carry my weight around, but my weight is nowhere near!


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[Assistant] First and foremost, I just have to let everyone know the people here last week were not actually my parents.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How in the hell did you know I've been hollering at that young waitress at Chuck E. Cheese?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally heard that song, I heard it at the beginning of the week last week, and I was like, oh, that sounds like a really weird, what do you mean, get out of my dreams, get into my car, that sounds weird. And then I was trying to remember it, and then it literally came on today, and I was like, oh, that's a song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey and Red Band, I also, I didn't just shave my head and beard, I also shaved my pubes and Red Band you always ask for my pubes if I ever shave them, here they are. Oh my god. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mark, it's weird you did bring up the capital thing. I was there on January 6th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you have to call me Mr. Gillis from here on out and I, okay, I'm still doing it. You asked me to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, why can't you sleep at night? I don't know, I've just been having these nightmares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep, 450 people got him, it's literally taken over my life. I'm just sending these dumb ass videos. Okay Redman, why do you fucking interrupt me? I was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Musical guest, the Kiltoni Band! Brought to you by delicious Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, make some noise! From Shane Gillis and Mitch Burrow everybody!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane Gillis is back! Mitch Burrow is back!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Michael Mandragon. Wow, what a cool name. Michael Mandragon. Okay. Here we go. He's next.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well son, I found this leather book under your bed, and then I googled what it was, and a bunch of slurs came up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah. So, I drove down here about a month ago from outside of Philly. I, uh, I saw a God hates gays sign. As soon as I got to Texas, I was like, I'm home. You know, figured it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I never got that cause I was like, if anybody's gay, like, isn't it God? You know what I'm talking about? Like him, yeah. He hangs out with a bunch of dudes all the time. Wearing silk, white robes and shit. Calls them his angels. That's a little suspect if you ask me, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the real kicker is, I think he gathered all the angels around one day and he said, fellas, listen, I've decided I want to have a kid. And they were like, go right ahead, Yahweh, find the right girl, make it happen, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want a virgin to have my kid. They're like, pardon me? He said, Gabriel, I found the right one. I want you to go down there and tell the details. Gay flies on down. He said, Mayor Barry, listen, God wants you to have his kid, but don't worry. He doesn't even have sex with you. She said, good, I'm 12 years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told her, I told her, I was like, hey, I got on the show last night, yada, yada. Guess who's Alex Jones? She said, who's Alex Jones? I was like, don't Google him. I was like, don't look him up. Like, she's very big into the masks and everything. So I was like, it's not. Cause I think when I was on stage, he might have said something, he was like, Fouchie's fucking gay. And I was like, fuck yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it wasn't necessarily out of the blue, like, you know, like. Did you find him? No, I wasn't home. I was visiting friends at Penn State.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was 9am, my uncle from Boston called, and I was like, if it's important, he'll call back. And then, uh, he called back right away, and I was like, okay, something bad happened, because Boston's 8 hours from where I live, so I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. We're really diving deep now, yea, getting into it. How's your mom? Uh, she's doing great now. She started dating a few years. She has COVID right now actually, I forgot. She's actually not doing well at all. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm just gonna keep opening new credit cards until I follow in my dad's footsteps. There you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, actually, I'm extremely broke. It's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys, uh, have that family member you can't stand, anybody? Yeah? Makes you drink any time they come in the room? Mine's just my four-year-old niece. I just... I can't stand that bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll put on subtitles on spongebob, bitch, I will end you. Like, turn off the sound, I'm god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, they are arguing over who is gonna be the, uh, Red Ranger. I was like, I'll be the Red Ranger, it's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It hits different. Uh, family's laughing and shit, and I was just like, if only we had the money for that abortion, I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I work with, uh, children.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, just, you know, like, if a girl calls, I'm coming. That's why I'm not good at Santa. Are you a pimp? Eh, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish. What, uh, what video game do you play? Uh, last night I played FIFA and then Red Dead Redemption. I play Fortnite doggy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do we got to plug? Shane Gillis. Uh, just Matt and Shane's secret podcast. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll murder him. I'll murder him. He can pick his three best friends and I'll fight them all with one hand. He's thick? He's thick? Yeah, he'll get you. He'll get you. He's got thick, thick too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it really a jiu-jitsu guy? Yeah, but not, uh, I don't think he takes it as serious. He goes to the gym and punches the punching bag for like three minutes and then leaves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll send you some pics. I got full fucking nudes. Fucking take it down a notch, Rogan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. He just doesn't want to come to New York. He hates New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe spar a little. Yea? Get him up here to spar with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's fucking great. So it's for like, it's for, you know how they have like, how to be a kick-ass woman for like basic white chicks? This is 48 laws of powers for like meathead fucking retards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said, do you want to fight Luis Gomez? I'm on his podcast. I said, I'm on his podcast right now saying that you would smash him. He said, haha, I don't know, I guess we could just fight then. I like it. I need a few months to train, but I'll fuck him up. I'll fuck him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me and McCusker live by medieval rules. He's, if he dies, I'm instantly your slave. Instantly. You can kill me on the spot. I'd rather die if he dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was that a white guy that wrote that? I thought I saw a green.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last name? Why, is that a black guy name? No, I'm saying that sounds like a very asian... Green is an asian name? Book. Oh, oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possibly. Maybe. You're just not talking now. You read the fourth rule and you're sticking to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the people that are holding the gun, turn their head. Cause that means it's like a, oooof, woof.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not about that, it's about- What? Human life, I mean despite- It's any human? Despite the garbage you're reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Trinity High School. That's so funny because now we got shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it started with black Israelites getting everyone going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were shitting on the Native Americans. At the beginning of the video, they're like, the reason your fucking nation failed is because you worshiped fucking totem poles instead of the one true god. And they were just fucking crushing these Indians. I got no problem with it. And then the


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the school, they were waiting to get picked up. That's where they were meeting to get picked up by the buses. So there's just a...


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[Assistant] I haven't seen this video at all. Yea, it's crazy. So then the kids start doing like pep rally chants, which also drown them out.


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[Assistant] Then the kid's standing there, the Native American dude walks up right to his face and starts banging a drum in the kid's face. So the kid just stood there and smiled. They weren't fucking screaming.


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[Assistant] I mean if you're from Kentucky, it's like a, it's like a kid here wearing a fucking Hillary t-shirt.


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[Assistant] Yes, but you wouldn't be looked at that. Yes, I would. I would look at them. I'm saying the way that I look at the public perception wouldn't be the same.


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[Assistant] Sure, sure. If you were democratic propaganda around here everybody would be like, cool.


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[Assistant] Alright, hold on. You could say it that way, or it was a blackout and kids painted their bodies black for the game. In the student center. So then why do they have eyes and lips? Like black saints.


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[Assistant] True, you're gonna be on the right side of this. Everyone will be like, yeah, for sure.


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[Assistant] Stay, everybody in the crowd wears black. Or white, they do it at sporting events, yea.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you look at like a whiteout at Penn State, they all do that shit. Paint themselves white.


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[Assistant] I think if he was doing blackface, I think it would be different. I don't know. I think it looks like he just painted his body black.


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[Assistant] Where was this? Philly? Is that Philly? No, that's in, that's the same high school. That's the kids from Kentucky.


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[Assistant] He doesn't stand up anymore? No. Wow. He wrote a novel. What does he do? He wrote a book. He wrote a book? Yeah. On what? Uh, on like, people in North Philly selling perks.


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[Assistant] What's it say, like the Zo Church? Is it Chris Pratt? Yeah. Does he go to like a weird Christian?


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[Assistant] No, I only fell off this weekend. Yeah. That was it. That's it, your body's out of ketosis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it started yesterday. Back on it. Back on.


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[Assistant] I think they probably would turn. They would turn. They would turn on you in a second. Yeah, they've been waiting to leave you.


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[Assistant] You might want to duck this. If I were you I'd duck this fight. Jimmy Martina seems like a safer fight just because of the... And Jimmy's probably gonna tag you and you're probably gonna have a pretty weak chin by the time you fight Mikoska. It's gonna be one of those first nights.


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[Assistant] Do you want to have a workout program or do you want to do specifically bodybuilding?


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[Assistant] Nah, this is all natural dude. A bolt like that, you don't need them. Nah. I have meat. And lifting. Let's see. Let's see if she ends up applying one of these laws of power right now. To creatine. That's it. And I, that sucked.


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[Assistant] Overlook? You can buy Overlook on Amazon.com. Matt McCusker's hit novel, Overlook.


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[Assistant] Story of opiates in Philly or something? I dunno. Yeaah, it's, I didn't read as much of it as I should have.


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[Assistant] I got, I did that. The first 20 pages were crumpled up. Yeah, I'm right here. I'm right here.


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[Assistant] I do feel bad about that. I would hate if someone signed me up for a fight.


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[Assistant] I watched that fire festival documentary last night.


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[Assistant] That guy sucks. I was so delighted to see him fail.


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[Assistant] Do you actually like this kid? Or are you just being a dickhead?


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[Assistant] Do you think he ripped them off intentionally because he thought they were the worst or because those are the people he wanted to be around? I think those are the people that had the money.


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[Assistant] If that's the case, if that's the case, I will give him some level of respect, but I don't think he has the wherewithal to do that now. I think he believed in himself. I think he thought Fire Festival wasn't a scam.


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[Assistant] Guys, it's Monday night. You have to make more noise than that. We're doing this shit. Brian Redban is here. Hi! Ryan J. Ebelt, already drawing tonight's episode.


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[Assistant] And, uh, no, September, that's next month. And then in October, we do Killtonymania in Sacramento and San Francisco. Barely any tickets left for that. And today is the day the tickets went on sale for Australia. October 25th in Brisbane, the 26th in Melbourne, and the 27th in Sydney.


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[Assistant] We're doing big, uh, venues in Australia, so come see us there live for the first time ever. But tonight's about tonight, right guys? We're here at the Comedy Store!


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[Assistant] And we are back, live here at the Comedy Store, tonight's guests, I mean, what can I say? This is three of the funniest people on the planet, you guys know what the fuck is up, uh, these are the legion of skanks, uh, Big Jay Ocasin, Luis J. Gomez, and Shane Gillis everybody! Wow!


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[Assistant] And this is your first time on Killtony. Look at these people. Monday Night Animals. You excited to be here? Yea man. It's got two Miller lights. This party's ready to go. Ladies and gentlemen, how about Luis J. Gomez and Big Jay Okerson everyone?


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[Assistant] How do you guys uh, how do you guys take your martini? Dirty?


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[Assistant] They commit to being different characters. I never know what they're gonna be. They have a separate green room in the back.


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[Assistant] What is happening? This is incredible!


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[Assistant] Yeah, me too. Hell yeah, dude. I love this and clearly that is Hillary Clinton there next to you. How's it going, Hillary?


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[Assistant] Oh my goodness. This is so cool. Bill Clinton with his classic saxophone. We got the whole fucking New York crew up here. Which brings us to this. It's the Bucket of Destiny everybody. A bunch of people signed up.


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[Assistant] You guys ready to start this show or what? Let's jump right into it, shall we? I'm gonna pull a name out of this bad fucking bucket.


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[Assistant] And the show will begin. I, I don't think we've ever had this many people on stage, uh, for an episode before. This is so exciting. What an amazing crew.


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[Assistant] Could have been. Yeaah. Look at you. You are adorable. How long have you been on stand-up? Like eight years? Eight years. Heck yeaah. You looked at, uh...


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[Assistant] I mean, if he's caressing your arm, imagine all the other arms that guy must be caressing throughout the day.


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[Assistant] You know, I'll fuck like, uh, once a- Yeah, me too, yeah. Oh, Billy boy. Uh, how celibate are you?


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[Assistant] What kind of explaining? How badly do you fuck? Give us a- Well I- I fuck fine, but I-


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[Assistant] What was the moment in which you're like, I can't come ever again during sex? Seems like you've made the decision.


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[Assistant] Friend of eight years is saying no. How long into sex do they usually say that they just came?


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[Assistant] So for example, this last one, six months ago, you go, you go out, you take her back to what, your place? Yeaah. And then you guys are making out, you go to your bedroom?


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[Assistant] You know? This is really for no one. So before I let you go, because I find this to be so intriguing, right? So now you're fucking her. How long would you guess that you had sex with her for? 45 minutes? 45 minutes. How many? No!


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[Assistant] Alright Brandon, well fun times. I'm glad you were on again. Very fun set and a great interview. How about that? Brendan Crick!


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[Assistant] Gettin' it started, Brandon underscore Crip.


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[Assistant] This is what Killtony's great for. Giving mass shooters things to do on a Monday.


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[Assistant] Always got his back. So uh, so Quinn, you ever go on any of these dating apps? You're 28?


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[Assistant] Nevermind. It is. In my defense, it is. So this chick that put you in the uh, in the friend zone, you went on a date with her? Uh, two? Two dates. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh huh. And, uh, where'd you guys go? Movies or something?


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[Assistant] So what's something about you that we'd find interesting?


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[Assistant] What's the, what's the worst call that you've ever, like, what's the worst gig you ever had to photograph?


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[Assistant] How about, uh, how about, how about it? Does that happen a lot? Like, how many?


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[Assistant] Alright, Quinn. Well, uh, we were just kidding about the whole killing people thing.


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[Assistant] Part of the Ding Dong Show, every Monday in the Belly Room.


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[Assistant] Man, how awesome is the band tonight, huh? I mean just...


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[Assistant] Uh, so Cary Miller, is this your first time on the show? Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu


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[Assistant] That guy? Oh, no, okay. Sit down.


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[Assistant] It was an interesting move. You took a chance, uh, calling him out. Uh, that's really what he did. He did the kissing noises. And you brought it up. Didn't really have taken chances.


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[Assistant] Now, uh, for those of you that just listened to the podcast, which is, believe it or not, the, uh, the great majority of, uh, consumers of this show, clearly I hope that you've caught on to the fact that Carrie Miller is, uh, a beautiful girl, right?


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[Assistant] Carrie, do you get hit on a lot? Is that a common thing? You get a lot of like cat calls and things like that?


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[Assistant] You have really cute feet. Oh my god. Now that's where I draw the fucking line.


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[Assistant] That's great. Uh, so Carrie, uh, how often do you get to do stand-up? Do you want a lot of spots per week?


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[Assistant] Right, and your job as a studio coordinator that leaves you nights open? Mhm. Right.


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[Assistant] Wow. So Kerry, uh, what else? Anything else you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that?


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[Assistant] Thinking outside the box is good, you just gotta have, you know, something that you know is gonna fuckin' make it all worthwhile in the end. But, so there's, you know, a cool thing, these glimpses of you.


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[Assistant] Wow, Bill Clinton. Even listening.


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[Assistant] Wow. I love it. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Andy Van. Andy Van! All the way, the deepest corner.


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[Assistant] Uh, so Andy, how long have you been doing comedy?


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[Assistant] Uh, this month will be one year. Wow, happy one year anniversary. My goodness. Lucky numbers, seven, twenty-one, thirty-four.


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[Assistant] Thank you, yeaah it is. Uh, so, one year anniversary, what do you do for work?


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[Assistant] Uh, about a year. Uh huh. Did you move here a year ago?


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[Assistant] Andy Van's finger is in his mouth, Andy is fingering Lewis's mouth.


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[Assistant] So, Andy, what do you do for fun? You have any wacky Vietnamese hobbies or anything like that? You ever fuckin'...


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[Assistant] Oh my goodness, look at this. Imaginary basketball here. This is the first time we've ever done this on Killtony. He's either dribbling a basketball or he's, uh, whoa. Oh yeah. Whoa. Wow.


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[Assistant] So someone's hitting on your female cousin, and, uh,


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[Assistant] Hey, John Siva, ladies and gentlemen. Heck yeaah. Hell yeaah. Uuuh.


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[Assistant] Bill Clinton, ladies and gentlemen. Bill Clinton's first time on Kill Tony.


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[Assistant] Are you fucking serious? Eight and a half years? Are you, are you fucking with us? Do you believe I'm serious?


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[Assistant] Guys, come on. How many of you want to hear this guy do one of his real jokes, huh?


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[Assistant] Here he is, eight and a half years doing stand-up comedy. Can do any of the jokes he's written or made in eight and a half years. And here he is, doing one joke and one joke only. If he kills, he's on the show after this. If he doesn't, I'm never gonna see him again. Kajan. Siva.


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[Assistant] At this point he will not be on the show after this.


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[Assistant] Alright, here it is. Eight and a half years, one joke, Kajan Siva.


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[Assistant] All that for nothing. You haven't really been doing it eight and a half years.


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[Assistant] Somehow the same comedian, two times in a row, is on stage, uh. Fuck yea, can't wait.


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[Assistant] I wish. Any updates since the last time you were on about anything in life whatsoever?


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[Assistant] How fun. How fun. The exciting part of this show is that it's all pulled out of a bucket, as you can fucking tell.


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[Assistant] He was what? In the movie Poetic Justice. Oh, in Poetic Justice.


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[Assistant] Uhm, let's do something fun. Let's get a little reset here. Uh, there is a regular on this show. He...


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[Assistant] Heck yeaah, out there in exactly 60 seconds, William Montgomery. Who told you that I said that?


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[Assistant] Let me ask you something. I'm gonna stop you there. Now you're known for your incredible comedy style of just blatantly lying about absolutely everything. A lot of other people, the truth is comedy and this and that, but you seem to be sort of the exception to that rule.


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[Assistant] Well William, uh, those are amazing. We've seen those classics before. Uh, you did it again. You're working hard. You're getting development spots here at the Comedy Store. You have a big manager.


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[Assistant] Great look to you. Uh, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? More asio.


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[Assistant] So, uh, you're doing it, do you remember anything about it? Were you squozing into something or something like that?


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[Assistant] Right. So, you guys can't, you know which route you took? Where'd you first end up? You went straight to Dallas?


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[Assistant] So, they're well off, but not completely rich.


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[Assistant] Uh, Witch Avenger, I'm gonna guess, uh, Batista. No.


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[Assistant] Unbelievable. Hell yeaah. Just Chris Pratt just waiting tables. Oh, here's your shrimp cocktail. Oh wait, what? You want me to play Thor? Okay!


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[Assistant] A fun fact about you is something that you think makes you different than all these other people.


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[Assistant] Yeah, but I could say that. I'm talking about different than everybody in this room.


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[Assistant] Alright, Salvador De Santos, there you go, there he goes, Salvador. Bringing it to a big end here.


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[Assistant] Epstein, Jeffrey, what do you think about tonight's episode?


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[Assistant] The end of March in Houston, Texas. We have, uh, we have a lot of, uh, listeners there. I'm sure they're excited to, uh, find out about that. We love Houston. Uhm, so, uh, yeaah. We did it again, guys. Thank you so much to the live audience for being here. Ryan J. Ebelt's prints are available at ryanjebelt.com.


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[Assistant] With it, cause, I just, I don't know, I, sometimes I love him, sometimes I hate him, like, when he first came into power, do you remember the first school shooting?


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[Assistant] I have a really tough time picking sides. I know there's this whole like, me too, versus let the rape continue movement.


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[Assistant] My parents divorced before I was born, but he's also a lawyer in London.


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[Assistant] Okay, everyone gives Trump hard time, right? Because, so my dad had a second family that he loved a lot more than me. And everyone gives Trump a hard time because he said if his daughter wasn't his daughter, he would date her.


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[Assistant] But if my dad said he would date me if I wasn't his daughter, honestly that would mean a lot to me.


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[Assistant] The hell's this doing here, wouldn't it? Yo, wouldn't it be crazy if we just joked around about this?


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[Assistant] I knew things, I knew I needed to make a change. And then some sexual predator told me


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[Assistant] Listen to Tony, he's like, tell me what would happen to me if I was in your jail.


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[Assistant] There's no, that midget, I told him, that midget, he's built like a fire hydrant dude, that guy's heavy as hell.


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[Assistant] Yeah, true, true. Everybody will get it. I do kinda look like a Navy SEAL.


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[Assistant] Yes. She's gonna be insane. Oh my goodness. I called it. I called it just from her name.


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[Assistant] You said Jonestown, right? Jonestown, Jonestown.


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[Assistant] In the 70s, at Montgomery Wards in Wheaton, Maryland, weighted in line


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[Assistant] Can I say something about Shane? I saw him at the Improv last night and uh, he ordered a couple Miller lights and then the waitress handed him the bill and he goes, oh, I thought these would be free.


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[Assistant] Uh, sure. Uh, so the Killtony Band's been working on a secret project for a while. It's finally done. Uh, we have a Killtony Band calendar that's coming out for 2020. Wow. There you go. And it's available online now on the website.


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[Assistant] So growing up, there was this superstition growing around that if you're to lie 20 times, you die. So, in kindergarten, a kid, he took his, he took my Danish butter cookies out of my backpack, and I just told him straight up, if you don't give them back in 10 seconds, I'm gonna punch you in the face. The bus pulled over.


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[Assistant] Similar situation happened in second grade. I just wanted to fit in with my friends. Because they had Hotel for Dogs Happy Meal Toys. And...


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[Assistant] And so the next day, I came with my Hotel for Dogs Happy Meal toy. A kid, he took it from my bag, I said,


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[Assistant] Sheen has a girlfriend. No, he doesn't. Do you not?


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[Assistant] The fuck, Shane? So what's the problem with him? Because I don't, I don't just randomly fuck people. He doesn't have lips?


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[Assistant] That logo doesn't look anything like either. That looks like two manly men who are gonna like, fucking double team your girlfriend behind your back. That's why it does. Yea, you don't think that's our vibe? You guys are Aidsy Twinks. Aidsy Twinks?


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[Assistant] Okay, Shane, his whole thing on podcast is that he's a fucking dick to me. That's his whole thing. He's like, I don't like Louis. I'm a piece of shit to him. I tell him where, I tell him what his place is. He's a dumb fucking idiot. Fuck you. And then as soon as we're off podcast,


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[Assistant] Uhm, this was once, since you're from the area, we play with the people from the area. Do you ever go to, uh, Bush Gardens?


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[Assistant] Ah, that's too fucking funny. Oh my, dude, this-


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[Assistant] Uh, no, I don't think so. Very nice. That's financial stability right there. That's not too shabby.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, Shayner's a fucking idiot. Uhm. He's the man, he's the man. He's the, dude, he's my favorite. Uhm, have you ever owned a wrist rocket?


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[Assistant] Oh, nice. Just chillin', dude. The ladies with you? Yeah. The German? Yeah, we got married.


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[Assistant] Is the German, is she, now she's staying in America? She's here baby, I'm a patriot, I brought my gal.


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[Assistant] And I understand your pain. You know, it is hard to be a person that is filled with fear.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I feel like I've been dealing with that for many years. I, uh, I wasn't like that as a child so much. Uh, this is my manager calling, uh, but I'm not going to take the call cause I'm doing the intro for my podcast. Uh.


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[Assistant] So I'll have to give him a call back, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Uh, anyways, uh.


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[Assistant] I've been dealing with fear a little bit more because of this virus, and eh, uh, one of the things that I fear a lot in my life is, uh, clams. I've been, uh, feeling a fear of clams for, since I basically, because, since I became a lesbian.


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[Assistant] What's up, it's Random a.k.a. Mark Random, and here's for real-ass presenter of the year, Ari Shaffir.


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[Assistant] Dan Soder, Shane Gillis, Colin Tarrow, Corin Fisher, Brennan Sagalow, Anthony Kumia, Louis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson, Aaron Berg. Here's why I should be Real Ass presenter of the year.


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[Assistant] 2018, no other comic on this list had to deal with the level of cancel culture that I did in my first two months of comedy. The FBI investigated me, police came,


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[Assistant] physical altercations, club bannings, blogs being written about me. All of my first two months, you can see it in my documentary, Who Killed Comedy? markrandom.com or just YouTube, Who Killed Comedy? 2019, no other comic tried to be respected by the other comics by doing a mini US tour, a Europe tour, put out two comedy albums just to be seen as established. markrandom.com, seriously, this is comedy?


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[Assistant] Any other comic on this list would be beloved and praised if they wrote a brilliant blog on the psychology and philosophy of comedy. markrandom.com slash blogs, psychology of being offended. And if any comic on this list did something as hilarious as dance at Auschwitz, you would have all found it funny and praised him. You wouldn't have written him off as an edgelord tryhard. I love his gas in the juice song comedy because I saw it as a popularity contest.


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[Assistant] I accept my fate that I'll never be acknowledged for my prodigal godlike comedy talents in just two years that I've accomplished and I accept my predetermined fate and I still love everyone on this list. That's why I should be real ass presenter of the year. So as I go about...


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[Assistant] That's happened before though. And then he came back in and everything was okay. That's what I thought was gonna happen. Yeaah. And then he just fucking went crazy.


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[Assistant] He did have a platform for a year, though. You know. Yeaah. It's kinda the payment, I guess.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they brought race into it. I don't know why. They brought what? Race. Isn't the gay fl-


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[Assistant] The firearms, to the, everything else. It's an honor to speak with you. I love it. I look at you every day and just want to thank you for that.


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[Assistant] I'm one of the listeners that pretty much just listens to you exclusively and


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[Assistant] Some of the other shows I know, Gavin and some of the other guys, I was just gonna say,


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[Assistant] That was really good. I really appreciate you kind of incorporating some of that other stuff. I mean, I know it was dramatic.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it was like my high school football team's locker room. Pretty often.


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[Assistant] Really? I wasn't sure if it was one of those, the religion thing you were doing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Jim, Jim was, yeah, we would, the football team, we would fucking there, we would fucking suck, but the, the, yeah, everyone's, you'd have to shower after Jim sometimes.


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[Assistant] He'd wear sweaters too. It was like, I went to a Catholic school.


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[Assistant] So if you worked there, if you like ran around at gym class and then put on like a button down and a fucking sweater, we had no air conditioning obviously. So you just sit there. It was like Auschwitz.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's so funny. You know, obviously you didn't think anybody possibly could have heard that.


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[Assistant] Damn, that, that trend of TikTok Holocaust videos.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Dude, I watched some of those TikTok boys dancing.


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[Assistant] Imagine though, like, so for a while it was like catching your kid doing a TikTok where he's doing like a fucking dance and being like, god damn this, dude, imagine if you caught your kid making, and like you had to,


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[Assistant] I mean, you couldn't even explain why that's, you can't do that, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm actually, I'm just glasses away from a full militia kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a picture, I took a picture like that, like I had this camo, sheets t-shirt I used to always wear, and I took a picture of it like, in the mirror like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like jokes, like obviously, dude, news outlets were using that to when they were like, SNL fires racist. And then the picture would be me with the camo shirt like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget, most of them had one, cause I only had like one picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was from my Instagram, and it was like, I took it making fun of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like, they used me, I mean, I hate to always talk about the SNL thing, but they used literally me joking about racism and a picture of me making fun of a militia guy. And they just used that, dude. They're like, here's this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Look at this Nazi that auditioned for SNL. Wait what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This alright guy infiltrated 30 Rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like this comedy podcast. Yeah, yeah, we broke the fourth wall and had like a real serious conversation about how much, how racist we really were.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally, I check up on him way more than I should. Cause it is fun to, it's fun to, I look at a lot of those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is in Idaho, I believe. He's, he's doing, he's having fun. He's, uh, he's getting clout. So he's doing well. What do you mean getting clout? He gets clout, dude. He's not doing this for the money. He's getting no money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he doesn't have a- Yea, he doesn't- There's no real career. He's doing like eight-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I don't think, I mean he just puts out like a paywall blog or something. I don't know. Oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean. It's about how, you know, you need to seize the means of production by criticizing late night hosts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Legion of Skanks did a presidential campaign, so Lewis ran, Dave ran, Ari ran, and Jay ran, for president.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was fun. It was a fun bit. It took a pretty dark turn on election night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Lewis tried to dose Ari, and then Ari moved his beer to directly in front of Jay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was Ari was in, I was in between Ari and Jay. So when Ari put it in front of Jay, I was like, Oh fuck. Like I saw it happen. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of was like just watching Jay. I didn't, I didn't tell him, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, that was a, and I think, you know, I, I can't speak Ferrari, but I think I'm pretty sure nobody, it wasn't like at Jay. It was just like, Louis put acid in the beer and the beer, he deflected it to whoever was sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could hate watch a lot. In fact, most of the shit I watch is to hate watch shit. Uh, which is not good, which isn't good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump gave like a 70 minute speech and then...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They set off the most fireworks I think I've ever seen in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe it. Like you were literally watching just... I mean the DMC was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so bad. It was crazy. It was just very funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the opera singing was great. It was just, it's funny to watch the, so the entire Trump family was on the stage. So there's like 20 of these weird motherfuckers on stage just facing the White House in front of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was the type of propaganda where you're just like, oh, this is like from like the forties. This is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I gotta, I do, here's the thing that sucks, and I'll say this, I've, I feel bad about, you know, I don't wanna, Jay, Jay's the one I feel, but like, Jay's such a sweet dude and I feel like a fucking idiot for letting him, like I would've been so happy if that was Lewis that got dosed, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, I, I, I felt bad that he was on it, and it was his first time, and I was like, fuck it, I'll finish that drink with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I actually talked to Bert yesterday about it, and he seems, he's getting, this is different. This is different.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree. I like, I'm not, I wouldn't, I'm not dosing people, although I, you know, I've been an accomplice to a dosing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you do somebody, I bet you could like go to jail for that.


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[Assistant] I remember, I, I like remember some of the jokes. They were so, like it, the, the comedy was so fucking condescending and cunty and then like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, Julie Louie Drive History at one point was like, you gotta text 30101 to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? They just kept doing jokes like that. Like they were like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike, oh, I'm excited to watch Kamala Harris debate Micah Ponce.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe he does. I believe he- he's- they use him as a cor- not a correspondent, but yeaah, he works there. He does a lot of shit there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nevermind. I got my fucking- I got cat hair in my fucking mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I trimmed them yesterday. They're the best. They're trimmers. You gotta get one of those. You let those things ride. They yank them and then cry in public. It sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got one that had uh, Brett Favre on the case, on the packaging. That's why I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't he the one whose dick? He was early, he was early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got a decent dong. Favre's the man, although I think Favre...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, who's that? I don't know about sports, but tell me. He's a linebacker from the Bears, and I'm pretty sure he... I think he was shitting on the protests? I don't know. How? I forget. Erlock had just got in trouble for like... See if you can find that, producer. What? Fox penis image. That's more important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks like I took that. That looks like somebody, you know, you gotta push down the bass a little.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's funny is Farve is known as, uh, he's called a gunslinger cause he'll throw it in there. Like he's like, he's just throwing it. He'll throw picks. He doesn't give a fuck. He's throwing the ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's not a Super Bowl champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, dude, it's just, it's your breath fart. You could literally have just been like, hey, would you like to fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate to be the orange guy with Trump, but last night


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looking at like an opera singer on a balcony singing Ave Maria and then they would cut to Trump who was like, just cause of the distance of the camera, all you could see was his black beady eyes and his orange face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you could just see his little tiny beady eyes sticking out of this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what's scary about it, is you're watching this and you're like, who the fuck is getting tricked by this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is, here's what's gonna be fun to watch, is when, if Biden wins, how Fox News is gonna have to be the ones reporting police brutality over and over again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's gonna be fun to watch. Where they're like, see, it wasn't our fault. What do you mean? So if Biden's in office.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right now when Trump's in office, the police brutality gets shown on CNN nonstop and they're like, this is Trump. This has a lot to do with Trump. So then if Biden's in office,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I, well see, here's the thing, I, I really don't know shit about politics, but I would like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is. It's also, I mean, one thing that Biden could be good at hopefully is getting free health, not free healthcare, but yeah, healthcare would be pretty good. I think, and I don't know the ins and outs, so every time I bring that up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would be like you get in the office and get that done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing is though, also if, if Trump does lose, I wonder if there could be a, a, a burst of right-wing shootings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, no, I just mean like a couple autistic dudes getting a little rowdy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Underneath my cat. My cat's laying on my dip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know something wild? You wanna know something wild? So I've, you know, obviously I've been flipping back and forth between Fox and CNN to watch these debates, which is, or these conventions, which is so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause they're both like, like obviously it's exactly what you'd think it is. They're like, man, that sucked, right? Like every time. What sucked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So though, so let's say you're watching CNN during the Republican convention, they literally had coronavirus stats like this big on the bottom of the screen during Trump's speech to be like 180,000 people died. They were fact checking live during his speech.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like handing the controller that doesn't work to your little brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yeaah, and it seems like the gate was probably a good idea considering...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, here's, here, I, I look, I'm not, here's what I'm saying. When you're, when you're sitting there, you've got your fucking tactical shit and you're using words like tactical and fucking these guys are providing Overwatch. It's like dude, the kid obviously has fucking dreams of being a Navy SEAL right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would help, it would probably help me. Now I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With the cancel culture shit, chilling out a little. It might help with that.