[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget who, I forget like what, in what context we met her. But her and Tony were like obviously attracted to each other. And uh, and then she sent him like nudes. And he, and he just comes back to the call and he's like, yeah, she's got like sweet potato tits. Like, nah, I'm good. Never talk to her again. Like she was just gone from the group.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty funny, but uh, yeaah, it sucks for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, uh, a little bit further down the country, in the south, my brother had...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think it was just like pride month and he had like a pride flag on his, like you know that little garden that's around your mailbox? Sometimes people make it. Yeah, he like stuck one of those in his little mailbox. Mostly because he had like one of those guys that just has-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the, the flag was fucked up. It was like on the floor and it was like burned. And he like went and looked back at the ring doorbell footage and this 12 year old kid is like riding his bike and he, he like rides by the mailbox and then fucking HITS THE BRAKES, STOPS, BACKS UP AND LOOKS AT IT AND GOES EWWW


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In our ability to bully, in our ability to see through people's weaknesses at that age. Like the, like the middle school age.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he would, he'd get off the bus, and in order to run home really quick,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets picked up, thrown in jail for a little bit for like, selling pills and shit or doing some weird stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, he did- little kids do this shit where they will fuck something up and then blame it on somebody else.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He like, he chopped up his garden hose with a machete.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just like said what he said back to- have you ever done that before in like an argument where you just repeat what they said to you to make them sound stupid?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I'll shoot him in the face with a paintball gun from a distance, but I ain't going down there chopping up your garden hose. That's just dumb as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh by the way, that was the, me shooting him in the face. That was the moment where I was the hero in that scenario and that's how I got Abby. That was my, that's how I scooped her up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you can't shoot people in the face with a rainbow gun, like, he's like, I'm like state police dude, like I, I could seriously get you in trouble. And uh, I was like, but you're not. But you're not, are ya?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And look, uh, look who's in there right now. You know, he's in the booking report all the time. This guy's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that you knew in childhood and then like the adults they became are like scary. Like his mugshot, he looks unhinged. His eyes are like pointing in different directions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But uh, yeaah, looking at that guy's mugshot, that is not the same human being I knew when I was a kid. I'm like, what, what happened to him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is with St. Louis? I did not realize St. Louis was that violent. It's in Missouri.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at like the per capita homicide rates,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's internationally. It's like a bunch of Mexican cities because of the cartels. And then it's just St. Louis. It's like the first actual city that isn't skewed by a cartel or some sort of open conflict. It's just a normal city that is run rampant with crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a friend in high school that, I used to play league with him, and I was like, hey dude, what you doing? His name's Charlie, and he was like, oh, I left, uh, Tallahassee, I'm living in St. Louis now, and I work at like a sex shop, and I was like, oh, St. Louis, and I like looked it up and,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's when I got the first inkling that it was a horrifically dangerous place. I was like, oh, so he's like, yeah, my shift's from like 3 a.m. until whatever. I'm like, 3 a.m. sex shop in St. Louis. Like, this guy's probably got like two years left before he gets shot in some weird altercation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It seems like not the safest profession in that city to... I don't know, who the fuck shoots a cashier at a sex shop though?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to hear a tragedy? What? Uh, so I got a, uh, a bead curtain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, little door things, bead curtains. And it's for a, it's for a double width door. So it's like more of like an archway type thing. And uh, I just wanted to kind of make more of a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like a localized, make that one room more of like its own private room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For when Bizzle gets here. So I was like, hey, I'll get a bead curtain. It's not really a door, but it's just something to kind of divide it for when he's over here so he feels like he's more in like a private room, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, so I ordered the bead curtain and then I got here and I was like, oh shit, this is only for like, the width of a normal door. I forgot that this thing's double the width of a normal door. So I went back to Amazon and my orders and I ordered the exact same thing. Got a second one. And it comes in, and it's a completely different fucking color.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, instead of it being dark wood, it's blonde wood. And I went and looked at the product page, and there's nothing there where you can like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And because I've ordered them, basically I ordered the first one, it got there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need your weekly bead curtain, bro. And I'm like, it popped up in the, like, in the beginning of this podcast, it popped up on my Echo. And it was like, yo, you want that bead curtain? It's about time for you to get another one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets killed, but you know, it's a Disney movie, so they don't want to show Tarzan fucking using his big muscly feet to strangle the guy. So they're like, how can we do it where the bad guy kills himself and he gets wrapped up in all those vines and he's swinging his machete and he cuts the vines and one's left around his neck and he falls and hangs himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my kids is gonna do that on this fuckin' bead curtain, dude. They, they start flailing around and one, one got wrapped around Madeline's neck and then she went to go run and it like, yanked her back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you, it's a tragedy when a kid loses their life like that, but at the same time you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oppenheimer gets an R rating for, like, long, full frontal nudity by, by, was it, Killian Murphy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I always call him Cillian Murphy because it sounds like an actual name. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure Christopher Nolan's never had, like, nudity in his movies. And then he, he chooses to do it on this movie about Oppenheimer, who seems to be a pretty, like, serious


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I talked about this before the episode started, but I do want to just say for the peeps, our AMC theater is, it sucks. It fucking sucks. Yeah. And then it was like last update in like 2010. And then they came out with like a new theater here, which is way nicer. And I thought I was being spoiled because you would sit down and like it has like the,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The concessions is just like a 15 year old with a bunch of popcorn, like they don't offer all that shit here because our city is too small. I just wish I lived in the ritzy place where I could get a burrito and a pizza brought to me or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it looks like that is like after he receives bad news and then yours is like, Einstein just got his dick sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. We need to do a cross country road trip over there. Pick him up and bring him to a strip club or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love his hair, his stringy blonde hair is awesome. Yeaah. Yea, there's eccentric that's cool, and then there's eccentric that concerns you, and this is kind of on that end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like some people like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non, like, you know, if you're just stone cold sober, I don't think you should be capable of those kind of speech patterns and mannerisms. What? You have to be on something, I hope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of that time machine that Napoleon Dynamite's uncle and Kip make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have so much mouth pain, I need to stop eating these. I'm like addicted to these sour things. I thought you said you were gonna wait for it to heal first. I need to!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the background of all of his little weird trailer park gizmos, he has two...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] License plate that say black men and white girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When someone says domicile, it's like such a legal word for, for like residency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's scary, dude, how quickly they can triangulate where you are just if you have your- I mean, that's awesome if you're a law-abiding citizen, cause like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even when we were up in, in uhm, uh, doing the hike thing, like if something traumatic were to happen,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want someone that's equally as, as, uh, zany?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all the heroics I'm doing. But no, I'll just sit there and giggle to myself and Abby will just be like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Straight face, like, just completely. Basically, have you ever seen those, uh, you know those scenes where Spongebob is just going wild and Squidward looks like? Yeah, he looks like he wants to kill himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much can I string this person along into being, rope them into a fucking conversation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, my, my guy's, uh, my guy's cool. Okay. But, I've, I've kinda, I just got like one guy I keep going to. And I forget his name every time. Oh my god. And I, and I call up and I go like, I want an appointment with the, the Middle Eastern guy. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, basically, we, no, we talked about literally the entire time I got my haircut, we talked about the hateful eight, because I love that movie. And that's like one of my favorite bottle movies. And the Netflix edition, where you like watch it in like mini-series form. The Netflix edition? Yeah, it's like even longer. It's insanely long. But uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think they extended it a little bit. There's like more scenes where Samuel Jackson's getting his dick sucked on by that guy's son. Yeah, there's a lot of that. There's another scene where he makes that son eat his ass too. He's like, give me a rim job out in the snow. This'll warm you up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about like a Tarantino movie at the top of my, you know, talking over the sound of clippers in my ear with this little kid next to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The shampoo that they use, it's not shit that a human can buy. Like it's not the same. The second it gets in your hair, it's just like instantly sudsy and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, I've never seen suds like this in my shower, okay? And then their conditioner is just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a totally different beast, like, and then they go like, do you want to buy this? This is a shampoo you used, and I think I bought it one time, I was like, you're fucking lying to my face, because this is not the same shit that you put in my hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I have to, I have to talk about this, but it was Madeleine's birthday party, so we, uhm, yeaah, I talked about this earlier when we brought her to Spider-Man's stuff, see her first movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before that, we went to Target, and we were like, hey, let's go to the toy aisle, and you can pick out whatever, like I'll just buy you a toy, whatever the fuck you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She picked this, uh, Frozen Elsa. It's just a bust of, of Elsa and it's her hair. It's big as shit. And they're supposed to be able to like comb her hair and like put in hair extensions and braid it and stuff, make it look pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, sweet, that sounds cool, and so we got it, and her hair is in braids when you get it. We bring it home, and they take it out of the box, and they take the braids out, and in about four minutes, she gets this fucking, like, afro. Her hair has been...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I know, like I felt so bad for Madeline because you could tell she wanted to just like comb Elsa's hair and like do pretty things to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The brush never went through her hair once. It instantly just, it's like velcro or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How do you untangle it? So now I have to run this bitch's hair basically through a salon shower like you were talking about. I had to lean her head down in the sink and run it, uh, not detangler, but it's like fabric softener mixed with water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm looking at these now, I've never seen a picture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you need to get for that guest bedroom?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a little spaceman in it and he from like one eye he does the stars and from the other eye he projects like a nebula or something like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so now when she goes to bed, it's so, I don't know how she sleeps in there, but it shoots green laser stars and they like, they like, they like ebb, you know, they go like, meow, meow, and then the nebula's like, meow, spinning from the ceiling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to have one blacklight poster with a one spotlight blacklight. Have you ever seen those? Like where people have just nothing but blacklight posters? And they like, they light up in a certain way with blacklights so they're just like unnerving to look at. But then you can get, you can get like track lighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I remember seeing a lot of people that had locks on the outside of their bedroom doors for kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got like different sectors of the, of the house where it's like, you just have like a key card and it's like, you know whether or not you should be in there if your key card works.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Oscar is definitely fucking one of his, his robot girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And honestly, they act like that's like a villain twist, and I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why else is he developing these super attractive robot bitches? Like, I knew that the second she walked in, I said, he's fucking her, there's no way you develop a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, because uh, who was the guy? Richard Matheson? I think was the guy that wrote the original.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, and then there was this movie Omega Man with Charlton Heston that was a more faithful adaptation of that book. And, that fucking movie sucked. Omega Man sucked. It was so bad. And I thought the book was kinda bullshit too, to be honest. There was a lot of just like weird shit in it. Cause there's supposed to be vampires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, it is kinda cool that they like talk to him and stuff in the book. They'll like sit outside of his house at night and they're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it's kinda cool that they're like an actual society of people out there. Uhm, but the movie was just like a better movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I've ever seen a Charlton Heston movie I liked. Even the original Planet of the Apes. I'm like, this movie fucking sucks, dude. I just, I'm not a huge fan of him. But uhm, yeaah, not-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's definitely, I don't know, I thought those movies sucked, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the car I'm gonna get, since it's the end of the world, I need it to be reliable. So he's like, I know I've owned a bunch of these station wagons in my life, so I'm going to get this station wagon because I know how to work on it and fix it if it breaks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And in the movie, like Will Smith's just like, new ass fucking, cause it's like a product placement, he's like, new ass Mustang, Camaro thing, and he's like, uh, drifting through the streets. I'm like, dude, this is the last guy alive, he's not gonna be doing crazy shit like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, I, uh, I like doing the cups, but, uh, Swift was asking me about those. He was like, I haven't seen you've been posting anymore about the cups. And I'm like, remember that heatwave that you thought was going to kill you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least like another two months, I think, before it gets bearable to sit out there. But, uh, I've gotten rid of a bunch of shit, so I have like more room out in the garage, so I should be able to, uh, kinda create like an assembly line type thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the economic atmosphere of what's happening


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Based off of the advertisements in each magazine as you get like further on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, car advertisements in the 80s, it was like, everybody's getting a car, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you have two, like, women are working now, they need their own cars, like, every advertisement in a fucking magazine in the 80s and into the 90s is a car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you'd have some advertisements for that. Cigarettes were huge in the 60s. It was like, women can smoke, men can smoke, everybody can smoke. And it was just funny how like things go through trends, you know? There's a lot of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But yeaah, some of those magazines rock, to be honest. I know, I haven't even gone through a lot of them. If you have such a catalog of them, like, I got-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, I bought like several different lots of them. And when you have that many, you have a tendency to go like, I can rush through this one to get to the next one. Yeaah. And it's like, but then you miss out on a lot of the cool little weird ones. I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1970s, 1980s National Geographic, I refuse to cut up, and the worst part is, is like, as I'm sitting there finding cool stuff,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some that I just scanned and I'm like, this is just one of the better photographs I've ever seen in my life. And that's just mine now. Like I scanned it just to look at it. There's a great one of like, this tribal guy standing there with his big ass spear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a, it's almost like a Lawrence of Arabia shot, like you stand in there and then


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, uh, his prey. It's like a big herd of wildebeest or something in the background that are, they're blurred out because they're not in focus, but it's also they're distorted because of how hot it is. You know, it's just like a beautiful pic of like the Serengeti or something. He's just standing there with his big, tall spear. And I just sit there and look at that photo every now and then. Looks awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, some of the most frustrating shit in the world is when you're trying to show your kids something cool, and they just like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I legitimately stop talking to people like that. Yeaah. It's like frustrating. Yeaah, it's frustrating talking to them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if you don't have like basic conversational skills, you're on my shit list. It's like one of the main, my main gripes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of maintaining a social relationship with someone. Do you think I really fucking care about it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I know it pisses them off in the back of their head. These are people that expect me to be there for them and expect, uh, you know, some sort of enduring, uh, relationship. And I'm like, if you ain't even got the goddamn respect to act like you're engaged in this conversation,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna fuckin' hear it, you're gonna pretend you liked it. Okay, you have to have some, you know, self-reflection though on dreams, cause it's like the end of uh, No Country For Old Men, where he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His wife's like, you want to tell me about your dream? And he's like, dreams are only really interested to the people that dream them, you know? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I need to work on that inner monologue of knowing your audience because often times when I talk, uh, the, no the audience is this guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe we should, maybe we should have a tonal shift for this podcast. Where we pick up literature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Please help me. No, they're putting tiaras and stuff on top of her and like putting like the hair extensions for that god damn Elsa doll. They're like, let's clip this onto your tiny little bag of hairs and now you have beautiful purple hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're always like fucking with her and like dressing her up and stuff and like, Oh, let me comb you with this little thing. And the dog's just like, fucking leave me alone, dude. You little kids freak me out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I still, I don't think I would ever hit my dog. My dog's a little beauty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dog's afraid of everything. My dog is very submissive, very scared. And like when the fireworks are going off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When thunder's cracking, fireworks and stuff, it's not one of those dogs that just runs off never to be seen again, not like hysteria, but she's got short legs and she does like the army crawl through the house to like find a bed to hide under when thunder's going on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Indiana like cares that much about 4th of July? They've been going off that much?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen that MrBeast video? I have not watched a MrBeast video since like, uh, when that uh, crab game squid game episode or whatever and I was like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's long form content that is basically like TikTok now. Cause I just, I saw the thumbnail was like running a train into a pit or something and I was like, that's cool. And so I clicked on it and that's not even in the first like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] More money on just a throwaway intro gag than I have ever spent on my channel in its entirety.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looks like a legit fucking house with furnishings and everything. He's got couches inside and then they just load it up with fireworks in there. Blow it up and then they-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think, I think he does the house, then he does the rocket ship thing, and then he does the train going into the pit, and then he does some other thing, I'm sure. And I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen it? No, I haven't seen it. I've seen more than one clip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's pretty cool, like watching Brad Pitt's career, like he-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you seen that Theo Von clip? Do you know who Theo Von is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love how you can compartmentalize so well, uh, cause there's two different poobs. There's the poob on the podcast, and then there's the poob that we get on the D&D podcast because he goes, yeah, I watch a bunch of other D&D podcasts, and our show sucks compared to that one!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He drives himself in and he like, halfway through the episode he's like, you guys gotta eat cookies. Oh yeaah. He just seems like such a cool guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why, have people told you my hijinks behind the scenes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vin Diesel has no reason for that. The Rock, at least I've heard it described as like, in wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's stronger than him! It's like, dude, it's kind of like choreographed, you know, so they would like, write into like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to sell it. I have to actually seem like I'm, I'm winning this. And I have to win a certain amount of fights or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pitch Black's a great movie. Chronicles of Riddick's a good movie too, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever play the game? It's like, like something. Oh, reddit game? I don't think so. Something butcher bay or whatever. Xbox. It's supposed to be really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has The Rock ever taken a role where it's like, in any sort of way, makes him look like shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I've seen the first one, but I haven't seen that one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me tell you something, a lot of these rock movies are so similar, I have no idea which one's which. The earlier ones are a little bit easier to differentiate, but I feel like his recent movies


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like him and Kevin Hart in a movie or two and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's basically just a long list of the rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being- Playing the Rock. Playing the Rock. In a movie where it's like, yeaah, it's very formulaic where they just kinda grab like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, they always put him in a tan shirt. I remember that's a meme. Rockin' a tan, a tan button up. He's like that in multiple action movies where he's in the jungle. Tan shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like the theater's going crazy. It was legitimately like that. Incentive intelligence in the theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you know, I'm just such a curmudgeonly little guy. I was watching that just like, this movie, like even at the time, I was just like, I hate this. I hate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And honestly, uh, sometimes I just go like, why can't I just sit there and enjoy stuff with other people?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was not having a good time, even while it was airing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Movie meme. What's funny about the Claude one is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like interactions people get on TikTok and on these like YouTube shorts. It's made me realize that how much of a small fry I actually am just on the internet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like they, there's people that have like, I'll see like a YouTube short or even like a TikTok like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought that was for like Russian assets. I think that's like a Russian social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And those people don't like comedy, they don't laugh over there, so there's no point in peddling any of our wares on Telegram, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're going on tour. Dude, I love it when YouTubers do that. They're like, we're going on tour. We're going to do live shows and stuff. And you have like a live audience. I'm like, what's the fucking point? Like a lot of people do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, your little, your little verbal tics or whatever. Oh, I was gonna say, let's end it. It's been three hours. Yeah, that's a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck was that? That kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, what the fuck. He's got like, he's got like a thing. He's got Nebraska.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, no, isn't it like... They're like Haitian or something. Yeah, it's like, it's like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's uh, let's keep everything PG, something you would say in church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would actually be tight. I'm so tired of going to national parks and the roads are pothole ridden and there's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's bragging about his roads are 16 feet wide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we don't. It goes from, it goes from like summer to just like, uh, you might have a little, a little, uh, little hoodie on. Oh. Like what's the temperature outside right now for you? I don't know, 20. Minus one Celsius. What's that in Fahrenheit? It's 70 degrees outside right now. It's like t-shirt weather.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why were they doing like five or six truckloads of that shit? That seems like such a dangerous amount of like one thing to bring, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it wasn't like this polyethylene or whatever, if it was like five train cars of nitroglycerine,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the cops were overwhelmed, they didn't know what to do, and one guy was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was a real camping experience. Yea, it was real camping. You guys go there a lot? Yea, we go there all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't have like an aggressive bone in his body or anything and they were like playing on this hammock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And my brother and they were just sitting there chatting to each other. My brother's like, do you hear what your kid's saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you guys ever seen the 2004 remake of uh, uh, The Walking Dead or whatever was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Walking Dead? What's the name of that? No, not Walking Dead. What's the name of that? Dawn of the Dead? Dawn of the Dead, there you go. They always have some stupid fucking dead related pun name. But, uh, Dawn of the Dead. Shana the Dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh, Dawn of the Dead, 2004. Who? In the very intro scene, it's like a couple laying down in bed at night, and then all of a sudden they, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, yeaah, and then like the dad gets up and looks at her and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you okay, Haley or whatever? And she's a zombie already. She's like, she got infected somehow. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she attacks and kills the dad or whatever. But uh, like I saw that movie a lot as a kid and it kinda like fucked me up a little bit cause I had never thought of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kids being creepy, and then the shining, I saw that, and you know the girls at the end of the hallway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that I have kids, and it's like, all of a sudden I'll realize, I feel like I'm being watched and I'll look over at the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's just, he's just a simple man with incredibly high intellect, yeaah, and he's like a mathematician or like a, uh, what's that called, a cryptologist, a cryptala, cryptographer? Yeaah. The guy that's into like, uh, examining codes and stuff, and he basically has like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it is. It truly is. Cause honestly, if I just had nothing going on in my life and was a math teacher, I'd probably just do it for 30 years and then die of like a heart attack. But this guy was having on his off time, he was working as a teacher. He's cracking DaVinci codes. And then he's cracking all these codes and having these, there's a car chase in one point. He's chasing just by himself. He's having a car chase. I've definitely talked to this before.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, fuck him. We should get a lot of plastic surgery, I think we should.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not here to body shame on the Forehead Fables podcast, but... Do you have any more funny pictures of this little freak that we can laugh at? Any Ben Shapiro pics?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a goddamn problem. Yeah, but she just like always talks about just dumbass conservative shit about like, like this is why women should shut up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's always like little like tips for a housewife. How to make your husband happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's, yeaah, it's, it's, honestly, I sent every video she made to Abby, but, uhm, Abby's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Abby honestly probably has a very similar- Abby's like what you would call a trad wife. She's very much like a- Yea, she's an Abigail Shapiro for sure. Yea, she's always just like making little snacks and stuff and bringing them down here and making me lattes and shit and like cleaning the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've stopped doing any sort of cardio at all, and I have no stamina. And now I just do weightlifting. And uh, boy oh boy, I get tuckered out going up and down staircases and shit now, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I just have bad lung function, cause you know, I sometimes smock a little bit, so my lungs get a little bit struggled, but uhm, I, I haven't smoked in like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I... We were talking about, uh, Schizophrenics earlier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I got pretty goddamn fried and then I went and I was watching Better Call Saul with Abby and then I was like, oh, I'll just go down the stairs and go into my office and on one side of the staircase, the staircase is like a splitting thing for the basement and on one side is my office and on the other side is Abby's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Abby's side is like locked. The door's locked to her side. And the light's on in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I like tried the doorknob, and the second I tried the doorknob, I swear, I hear someone move in there. And I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is that called? I'm a conscientious objector to violence, but I do have a flashlight and sometimes light scares evil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And whoever was down in this basement was evil. Yeah. I gave it a whole goddamn scan and nothing. But the back door. Like there was a lot of time in between me like leaving where I tried the doorknob to going upstairs, getting a flashlight, asking Abby, why is the, your office door locked?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, I locked it when you went on that camping trip because it weirded me out thinking someone could come in through the back of the house and be down there. Well that way they have two different things to go through. So she had locked the deadbolt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Airlocks, dude, yes it was. Yeah, airlocks, yeah. And, uh, which is smart, honestly. Uh, and then I went downstairs and looked through all the windows and everything, cause they were lit up and I was in the dark backyard. I figured they wouldn't be able to see me out there. Nothin', but the back door was unlocked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, well like, that's just me having like a hunch. You know? Like, not like a hunch, but I honestly think I was just paranoid as hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this guy's old, old blood of YouTube. He's been around for a hot minute. His name's Wranglerstar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like 12 days away from complete and utter anarchy in the United States. They're gonna start attacking like power substations all across the Pacific Northwest, and this is what you need. You need to get this, this, and this. He's like a prepper guy now, and I was looking for a prepper. You were looking for a prepper. And now this guy that I already had an interest with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do investing. I've lost all my creative spirit. What's up with that? You know, before you know it, you're an adult. You do investing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That school had gangs beginning when I went there, and now it's like, I've heard it's even worse. It's gone down from like a 7 or a 6, down to like a 2 on the rating scale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like, even if you took that nice facility...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, department was gonna get shut down multiple times. Like, I got to watch my district decline in quality in my lifetime when I was there. Like, the shop teacher, Mr. Bearable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At all these support beams, they had air compressor lines that went down the beams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't you have one of these by the way? Yeah I do, I've got two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I put the can on there and this thing's too high collared, it gets in the way of me sipping. Oh, well mine is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the audio listeners, I'm holding up a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, wait, shoulder width is proper. That might work, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What color pre-piece? Uh, probably like, navy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually, I watched that Malcolm X movie and I want the zoot suits from the beginning of that movie, if you haven't seen it. I have not seen it, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uh, Spike Lee and Denzel are in like the opening scene. It's like 1930s Brooklyn, I think. And they're at just like prime zoot suit stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look at the walk. You gotta watch the video of the walk. Sweet. They do the arm sway and everything. And they do synchronized like hat tilts to ladies. They're like ladies left and then they both do a little hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You kiddin' me dude, Spike Lee's- his- his suit is way more badass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let me play video games! Come on!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a guy like that, I forget who it was, he like, he just did like a face reveal and he just had like a, like an insane jawline and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think so. Cause I keep returning to it and it's always a fun time. And Jayce, just based off like time played, I have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's now like the year 2004 and, uh, are you still playing this Asheron's Call game? Because I've been paying $15 a month for like, since 1999 or whatever that game came out. Oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think he even liked it. I think he made it begrudgingly. He's like, I saw like a little documentary about him. He's like, the only thing I'm good at is making this goddamn chicken. Like he tried doing other things and he couldn't get anything else going cause he was just... He tried frying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was non-cooking stuff. He was like, he tried to do like other type businesses and everyone was like, you're too fucking stupid. Get out of here. What did he try to make? I don't know. He tried to like make car parts or something. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the, uh, no, I, I got, I, this used to be my tradition. I would go to like a midnight release. Hi. And I would, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I don't know, I just realized I could wave my hand in front of the camera. Hi, over there! Uh, no, I used to go to, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, no I, I remember there was, there was one midnight release for some game where everybody said they were gonna go to it and get the goddamn game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, very similar. My parents got divorced and it was like my dad's like worst part of his life probably. He had to move out and he got this like little house. It was in the middle of the 2008 financial crisis. So like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He bought this house at an extremely high interest rate and it was like an extremely inflated price or some shit. And uhm, it was like the worst of both worlds. No, he bought it right before it crashed is what it was. And then it took like a decade for it to build back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, uhm, anyway, so yeaah, he got fucked over. And I remember- But I gotta play COD. Yeaah, my mom kicked me out, so I ended up living with him for the summer. And I would just sit there on his little shitty bachelor guy couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they would do the face scan, or Brian did his Gengar coffee cup or whatever. Yeah, that is my bug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, we sit there and talk about like, you know, like the Battle of Ajincourt, like a huge ramifications for western civilization. Meanwhile, like, China just has like a weird civil war. 20 million people die. Like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just cause they have no idea what the hell is going on. There's like so much, it's like such a huge can of worms. You just go like, they got a big ass wall over there. Yeah, they had a wall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has like pretty good, like not Iceland levels, but pretty good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then that goes back to like the Norwegian people that left to go inhabit the island. So they can, like if you were born in Iceland and your family's from Iceland, you, it's immediately you're born with a family tree that's completed that goes back like 1200 years or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They emailed me a key. As of this morning at 8am there's no NDA so I can tell you whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not, I'm not quite far enough in it to give it a good opinion, but just like the walking around looking at the world and you know, like the amount of work that they've done and like. You said it was Bioshock Infinite. Yeah, it's like Bioshock Infinite, but like Commie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Vince Vaughn, yeah, but there's some badass scenes with Colin Farrell where he like beats up his kid's bully's dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what the hell. That's a lot of money, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sit there and look at it and go chair or like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so young. He's a goofy guy. He's a goofy man. Yeaah. And then you start learning about like the ages of other people when they were doing really significant things and you go like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The magic is location, location, location.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David Copperfield, a novel by Charles Dickens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why it says David Copperfield, in parenthesis, illusionist. To differentiate. Yeah, he does have some crazy hair. Did you guys ever have like, dreams as a kid of flying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have any I remember. Mine was always like, I would just raise up my arms, and as I would raise them, I would just, I would levitate. And it was always like, I'd pissed off my neighbor, and then I would just get- He'd fly away. I would get outside from striking me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fairly odd parents. They find her wrapped up in a carpet, in a storage unit, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, they ask for like certain things and then she gives them of course like a tainted gift, like it's, it's cursed in some way. And at the end, Molder...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His one, like his last wish for is, he gives it to her and it's like a typed up sheet of paper that says like, you will cease being a gypsy. That means you will not be able to grant wishes anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That stupid like cats, the red cat guy, where they go to a cat's motel, and he like releases spiders to like attack Muriel and Courage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That scene, they make it so intense when the spider's crawling towards, like, courage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when Cartoon Network came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, fuck you guys, alright? That was a dream for me. I wanted to live that life. Alright, I watched that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does that concern you at all? Like, I, I'd never- Roadstreet? No, just like- It's real? If you go to like a, you know, like LA or something like that, like, thinking about wearing the right colors. Wear blue? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is very much like I'm in elementary school and me and my friends had a break up in our friend group and now we won't say any of the words that start with J because Jason's a dickhead on the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a fake language, but me and my friend William, we were kind of on the nerdy side, and we learned- Speak elvish. No, we learned like this Anglo-Saxon alphabet, and we would write to each other these big ass letters in Anglo-Saxon. And my teacher would like confiscate it and be like, what the fuck is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's uh, I kind of want to be there for him casually dropping him speaking his new made of language. If I could have been a fly on the wall in that scenario.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing that confrontation of like, your parents making you apologize for something, is the worst god dammit. Like that's the worst feeling ever. I had to... Did you even mean it? No, you never mean it. Did you mean it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, yeaah, so he shit on my tree, and uhm, and then he went, he went down to his house, and, uh, yeaah, I had made fun, and then it carried on over, I think to the next day, like at school or whatever, uhm, and like everybody learned about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And basically, basically my dad walked me down there and I had to like walk into their house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. But anyways, in front of him, his mom, his, uh, his dad, and then his older sister that I had a crush on I think at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. In your secret language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It always ends up being this, you know, those moments where you're having a bowel distress where you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have to sit down in 40 seconds or I'm going to shit on the floor. Like it's an emergency and I'm now scared to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then again, actually, I read that like the most foodborne illnesses and stuff and like, uh, food poisoning is from things like shawarma and the gyros and stuff because of the way the meat's prepared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a hold of the sidewalk chalk. Okay, why the fuck


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we found, we took the sidewalk chalk down to, I was probably in like, third grade. No, we went out, we found the special ed classroom, which was part of this amphitheater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where we had recess and there was these big concrete pillars that you can kinda hide behind and so on facing like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He gets li- I think the, the, the boy in the family gets lined up, like he's suspected as being the mad crapper, I think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He definitely gave off like, uh, Johnny energy from Ed Edd n Eddy. Like he's very, he's just a strange kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if your name's George Washington and you expect to be a famous actor, probably not gonna happen for ya.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember when Hurricane, like when Katrina hit, we got a bunch of like the kids where their houses got washed away into the, the ocean. And they would like, they were just like a temporary little visiting kids for a little bit. Mhm. Like at your house? No, no, at school, at school. And there was like this one morbidly obese lady that she was from Katrina, like the impact zone or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, yea, it was like the last straw on the camel's back, was that 100 pound girl sitting on the bench for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think, uh, I think, you know what? I don't want to say justified, but I want to say might have had it coming, you know? You ever seen like a bully that gets like his head cracked on the pavement and he's never gonna be right again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was kinda like that, where it's like, man, that's a tragedy, but he was also kind of an asshole, like, in that moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wait, we never had like an intro or anything. Uh, Sam? This is, this is uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is Fourhead Fables and this is Sam Hyde. Sam Hyde, I'm Sam and this is my co-host Sam. And this is the Sam Antics podcast. Poop came up with that or the other Sam came up with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had also Brian as part of the podcast and I told him, don't you fucking show up cause your name's not Sam. I want three Sams on one show. That's all I want. It wouldn't work. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyways, I'm assuming the only reason you would ever reach out to me is because uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many like people do you have for like a production like that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, wait, wait, wait, hold on, let's roll back, so Indie is like, is coming out again, right, or the, the sequel, spiritual successor, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kind of did like a deep dive on, uh, what happened to MDE the first go around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You like scream at him, and then the phone like drops, like you drop out, like connection, and then you politely get back on the phone, you're like, hey, can you hear me? Can you hear me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got my fucking show canceled, you piece of shit! Like it was like this angry phone conversation and everything and you were like, I've been blacklisted, my career's over, and yet here we are again. So, did you...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good idea. You should get, definitely, there's like a whole laundry list of cancelled...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I kind of was like jealous and then now it looks like you're like battle weary like you've been Yeah, work to death and that doesn't suit us at all. We're not really like hard workers or anything But it you know, it's you get a show on on the on the internet. That's cool but is at the expense of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So you got, uh, it's you, Nick, Rockfort. Is that how you say his last name? And then... Yeah, it is. Charles...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Charles? Yeaah. He's back. You got the full crew. That's awesome. Got Eric, Eric Hayden.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, wait, so you record that, you get that whole thing finished, and then you go, uh, and then do you send that to the FCC? Do you go like, here's me dragging this disabled guy up a staircase out of his wheelchair, and they approve it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, you're gonna have that lady like- That'll do, pig, that'll do. And she's gonna be bombarded by like fat BDSM guys that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, I'm excited for, uh, you know, I-I did some-some rewatches of old MDE sketches, and, uh, I'm excited for Season 2. That's awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's, we get criticized all the time. We have people on that we ignore them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually hold on, I do have something. Did you see Elon Musk mocking that guy on Twitter about, he was asking whether or not he, he was asking whether or not he worked at Twitter anymore? Yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, and Elon was just like braiding him. It turns out he's like this quadriplegic guy in Iceland or something. And if he gets fired, if he gets fired, he has to, Elon has to pay him like a hundred million dollars to exit his contract or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also heard tell, you know, who knows the internet, half the shit's fake, but there's some guy that got hired to Twitter as everybody was getting laid off and his boss and everybody that knew about him got laid off. And so he's just like sitting there collecting a check and he's never been given any work or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like the most beautiful thing in the world. She's got all her shit on them. You're an astronaut? Oh my god, you are. Yeah, she's like, I did all this and wrote all this code and shit and she just moves from, she gets bored, so she moves from like, private sector to private sector.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she'll just wipe her resume and be like, you know, I want to get into the medical field, so I'll just write some stuff about medical shit. And she's retired now, so it doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't imagine a world where I'd have to sit there on the couch and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you realize, oh, the infrastructure doesn't work, my TV ain't got no power to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I've, you know what's weird is every exposure I've had to Nick has been through your podcast and he's, I just see him tearing apart Hassan's house and shit, like he's just so critical and angry it seems like, and then I found his like, I don't know if this is something you don't want being said, I don't know if it's like a secret or anything, but his like, his antiques website,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They say fame is fleeting, but internet fame, that's forever, baby. Do you guys make money?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much money do you guys make? Uh, we make like $30,000 a month on the Patreon. And then I have like YouTube and stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We had Harley on and then that was like six months ago and we haven't had a guest since because of how horrific that episode was. It was the worst god damn episode with a guest I've ever had. It's not entirely his fault though. It wasn't his fault. I didn't know. I got the days mixed up. I came in fried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, thank- thank you. Yeah. That's what a guy wants to hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fucking, like, the Google doc of all the shit you were gonna do, and like half of it didn't get done, but all those things is just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also really jealous that like, you got, I mean you got like people like, tangibly there. I'm all by myself in Florida. Other Sam is in Indiana. Our other co-host is in Canada. Like we're never like together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so it kinda limits the amount of like weird shit you can do cause I don't even got a god damn camera man. I got my wife but she's like five foot two or something and so she's always like filming my nipples. I'm like will you just like tilt the fucking camera up? And so every shot makes me look like this big fat lumbering retard and I'm like I just need like some other person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, let's say you're having a good time talking to someone, what's like something that'll take you off that you're just like, this person's not gonna


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so they're all toiling away at different things? Yea, what else are they doing?


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[Assistant] You know, I have like a rule that like I don't take advice from someone I don't envy. And my mom and dad keep trying to give me financial advice. And I'm like, your fucking life sucks. I'm not listening to anything you have to say to me. Like, I'll talk to you, but you're...


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[Assistant] Like you guys, they have that mentality of I'm gonna work at the same company for 40 years and that company's gonna take care of me. Nah, my mom's company canned her right before retirement age because they knew they could save money if they didn't, you know, let her retire after she had worked there for almost 40 years. Are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I didn't say I told you so, but I did a little bit of a, like, looked over my glasses. You know, like, I've...


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[Assistant] Epstein could have been a good BDSM like master guy cause he had the money. And he had the creepy island.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A moral compass I think he was lacking maybe a little bit. But all the makings of, uh, you should have had that guy on your show if he didn't kill himself. That would have been the guy. What's the, what's the, we can dig him up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With like, debt? Like, uh, I don't think it does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, look at us, you know, we're just, uh, well, not you, uh, Poob. You've got a lovely family that loves you and everything. Actually, yea, I love my family a lot. Fuck you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When my mom retired, all of a sudden she respects it a lot more once I'm like the breadwinner in the family. All of a sudden like, oh, like I'm very proud of you honey. Honey talks. Now that she's not getting a fucking paycheck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh well. You know, I've always done the uhm, I've always said, you know that thing that you sit in front of and waste every day on the TV and those commercials pop up? That's how they get paid. I do the same thing but on the internet and I have commercials too and they still can't wrap their head around that shit. They're like, what the hell?


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[Assistant] Yeaah, very, yeaah, very much the Atomic Family. And uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, yeah, that kind of stuff. And uh, yeah, my grandma doesn't get that, like, you know, I don't have to wear pleated pants every day. That's not, the society's moved beyond that. But, oh well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pages where it's like wiki insertion articles and stuff. People just put my last name as your last name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like every, it just says Sam Hyde on every like, I think like my famous birthdays page or whatever that has all incorrect information. They're just like, yeah, he makes like $4 million a year, his name's Sam Hyde. And I'm like, all right, whatever. It's fine with me. Yeah, as long as I don't get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't want people knowing your info out there. I was about to say, like, you, you've always just had your name out there. It's like, what's the, what's the downside to that? Cause I'd always just wanted to drop the ruse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, so they're, I guess they're concerned about like public backlash for like renting equipment to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have, this is the age old trick, uh, you have a VPN which then you use to get into another VPN and you stack them. Damn it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, don't stop there. There's Surfshark, there's, and all these people have all their-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna say, cause I don't, I don't want, I don't want the CIA to be doing like strategic like break-ins in Panama, Romania, and have this like international like to figure out that I'm looking at Kukul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, erectile dysfunction? Yeah, that's rampant in our audience. They won't stop talking about it. Do you think you've done anything to cultivate that kind of, uh, audience? What do you think you do that appeals to people that are, uhm, what's the word for it? Psychologically impaired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was his defense of Epstein saying that like because people are waiting longer to have kids, that's why we have more autistic kids, but then he later says that like 5G is what causes the autism. It's like, do you want me to fuck kids or do you want me to take off the 5G? And how does AI play into that whole thing? I don't even know. I fucking, I missed that part. I'm sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I saw that you're part of Mensa and so you're like, you're going this direction. I wanna, I wanna go the opposite. I wanna get into the nitty gritty and see how fucking like brain dead and paranoid I can get with all these...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you see that there's like a bigger castle right next door that's like, makes yours look like shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listening to that email was that to me. I was like, I didn't realize how far the rabbit hole went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And equating musk to a bundle of sticks? Being literal? Like I don't-


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[Assistant] They always want us to work harder. You know that? It's like, come on, dude, I got my own goddamn hang-ups. We got kids, dude, we got kids. I can't sit down and record once a week. Not even once a week, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As a fellow Sam, it's, it's pathetic the amount of work that, uh, that I put out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they added that whole thing where it's like you can't say fuck more than three times in a YouTube video. And they've started scanning old videos. And since that update, I can see the date that it changed. My views have just been plummeting.


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[Assistant] That's what, uh, What's-his-face said. We had this guy on there that was like, I do six goddamn ads a month. I do fucking, we'd sit down and do multiple podcasts in one day. And then he just sits there and sends everything off to editors, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It loses the soul when you send it off to an editor. Don't you edit your own stuff? A lot of it? That's not true. I just get a good editor. I don't edit anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always get stuff back from an editor and I'm like, you fucked it up! And then I go like, sifting through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't honestly care so much about just like raw editing talent. I just want someone that works hard and that's hard to find. It is hard to find someone with a goddamn work ethic. I'll send something off to someone and it'll take like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that was, yeaah, that was recent. I also saw your, uh, your, like, uh, fitness influencer lifestyle video, which is funny, cause half the shit my wife does, unironically, like that agey, like, vitamin drink in the morning, she drinks that radioactive sludge and... It's got probiotics in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got the big, the communal workspace. He's got people, I hear him in the background. It's like an Indian call center back there. They're all toiling away. I'm jealous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, this looks like a, like a website you'd go to to like, watch someone get murdered or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should reply to that guy, you should reply to that guy that sent you that schizophrenic email and be like, would you like the opportunity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Yeah, but having it actually like wired up, not a set like Jerma's dollhouse, uh, stream, like this is a full ass house that you're doing like an ed TV thing in. That's pretty cool. And I just like the overall like website aesthetic. Yeah. Kudos, man. This is awesome. Hopefully it'll, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to say, these cameras are like, it's pretty cool to be able to just like cycle through them. They're live feeds and everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's tight. Alright, I'm gonna get rid of this thing off the screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the first thing I would do is just drop, as soon as that goes live I might drop in, spend some money just to get the temperature as high as possible. When's this thing starting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was about to say, like, if, if you're having, like, a mundane show, yeaah, I feel like bringing him in is definitely a wrecking ball of, uh, yeaah, that guy is, I have not heard much from him online since that incident where, was it, the guy's name Boogie? Was it Boogie that was out there with the gun?


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[Assistant] Gumroad, okay, I've heard of that. Alright, nevermind, I'm sorry. I was just, I only know of his name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen someone be less intimidating with a pistol in their hand than Bucky?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, yeaah, you wanna, you wanna call it here? Hour, hour 24? Sounds good to me. Sounds good to you? I know you're a busy man, you got a lot to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we need them both. What's the black hair one? Oh, they're like best friends. They're kind of a package deal. Yeah, let's get them both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No hospitals? What if you got like a huge booboo? Yeah, like what would happen to them?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It might've been like American pie or something. Cause I do, cause I had people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That were older, way older than me, like my friend had an older brother, and obviously, like, when he was a teenager or whatever, it's like, American Pie is the shit, so. Yeah. Definitely saw titties. Hey little boy, check this out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Couple, I thought you said like the one. I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been, uh, a little bit of a conquest, too. We've been getting, uh, guests from all over. Yeah, we had Tolden Stone. We had, uh, Windigoon, talking about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also have to comment, that shirt is awesome. Cool shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had, I've had to do that before. I've had to send a text to my mom and ask when I was born.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know I was born between like, my mom doesn't even know exactly, she said like 3 to 4 p.m. Yeah, well for me that's good enough.


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[Assistant] You've got good Indiana knowledge. Is that just from like doing this long enough you've got that or have you been to Indiana before you big fan?


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[Assistant] Are all your houseplants like Florida-ish plants or do you, you get to try like new stuff because it's inside? Like, I just, it's probably a dumb question, but like I have a cactus in my house, I'm like, why do I have that? You know, like what do you guys have down there?


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[Assistant] Like. Is this astrologer or astrologist? Astrologer.


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[Assistant] Well, you know, what a good gotcha with the calendar too for people. Like, uh, that's good. Well, even a day!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, wow, what a podcast, right? Now it's time for the ad read. What do you say we spice this up a bit? Am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave AG1 a try because I wanted to improve my gut health. I take AG1 in the morning before working out and it makes me feel ready to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it improves mild memory problems associated with aging. It helps me from retelling the same stories on the podcast. Am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a free one year supply of Vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to AthleticGreens.com slash forehead. That's AthleticGreens.com slash forehead. Check it out.


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[Assistant] You're way cooler than us. And I still can't stop thinking of that burn you had on Sam about the


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[Assistant] No, I'm interrupting you. You are doing an excellent job presenting me.


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm, I'm very selective, you know, when it comes to love. I got a hard time saying it. I, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not a lot of relationships here, very picky, you know, some there. He says happy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there any, any other astonishing revelations in here? Is that, that's pretty encompassing of...


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[Assistant] And I do, I, you know, I'm pr- I'm kind of been called an emotionally unavailable man before, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's super shocking to hear that when it comes to love.


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[Assistant] I said that's bad, that's just, sorry I'm interrupting, it's a very badass title for a new astrological phenomenon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am, you don't have to like pull up chart wise or anything cause I'm sure you know it by heart, but uh, Rick, I was wondering what your, like, what are your main attributes or like, what are you, what is your, what do your signs say about you?


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[Assistant] People have no excuse now, like, okay, they didn't have an excuse back then, but it's like at a point you ran out of shit, like you're like, wow, I sailed around, I did this, I did that. Like now there's so much shit to do in the world. If I had a billion dollars, I'd never get


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I say this now, but I'd never get bored. I'd be making like little movies, I'd be doing little stunts, I'd be, you know, scene shit. I'd never be like, I wanna eat a person. I wanna hunt and eat a man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You need to become an Indiana Jones type and stop these.


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[Assistant] Who's the paleontologist from Jurassic Park? Some Grant? That guy.


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[Assistant] The things lost to history, like questions that kill you that you know, you don't think they'll ever be the answer to, like do you have any?


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[Assistant] Anything that like really pisses you off that you don't know the answer to it? Or like, what kind of things? You got like a white whale or anything?


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[Assistant] I don't know, an archeologist or something that he could send back in time to ancient Rome and he's a historian and he's like, oh shit. And he just like goes to the library right away and he's like, oh my God, all these books, like all these texts. And also it's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't it like, if you're, you can get revenge and it's like, just go, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I, I've definitely talked about this before, but that happens so much more often than you'd hope. Like, especially with TAs and stuff. I had this, I had this paper, it was one of my first, it was fresh from New York College, like my first


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Long format thing I had to write, you know, long, I mean, compared to a district, it was like 12 pages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, you have to write about like, technological stuff about the movie. It was so like, what is going on? Like, I'm simultaneously glad I don't have to code and also like, why does it have to be so long? Like, I know my TA won't read this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I got about 12 pages down and they had in the guidelines, like, for each page you're missing that's less than 18, it's like 10% off. So I'm like, already I'm like, oh I'm fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But whatever, you know, maybe like a 10% or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, should I steal like, make the code corrupted? Like, I just sent in a paper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Within five minutes of me emailing it to him, he just gives me an A minus. And I'm like, oh my, like I was saved, but also like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just like, yeah man, like, I hate this professor too. Like, uh, they're like, I'm a grad student, I don't even really get this. Like, whatever, you can get a B on it. Or like, they'd be like, uh, here's uh, you know, maybe the homework doesn't have to be so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To a manipulative point, good at doing that, but to his mom, for like science fair or history fair, history day,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish you would have been one of my history. I only had to take one history class in college, but like history was my jam in junior high and high school. I would, you know, history bullshit all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, try to take the most, you know, go to competitions and stuff all the time, bring back trophies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam, you probably didn't know this, you used to be a little bit of a bookworm. And then my, this teacher I had, freshman year of college, I don't think I've ever, and I'm the type of student, I would feel horrible if a professor looked at me and he can tell I'm disinterested, so I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, like, oh yeaah. It was just basically what you said, like, here's a date, here's what I like list, and it was at 8am on the far side of campus, and it was like a two hour class or something or hour and a half.


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[Assistant] In every, I'm just not like, I think that's why I'm now a YouTuber, streamer guy. I'm not, something's broken in me. I can't wake up, I can't be present that early, no matter how much coffee I chug in or anything. So I'd be, I'd try to sit front row, that way it's like, he will see me if I fall asleep. And I got called out multiple times for like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was like one of the most tedious classes I've ever taken in my life. And it was like re- like that was my one chance at college histories.


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[Assistant] It's insane how much of a difference though, like, a good teacher makes in just like getting kids interested in things.


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[Assistant] I remember in high school, my favorite teacher by far was for AP Environmental Science. I didn't know, like, uh, you know, I was like, oh, whatever, like animal planet school. After that class, it was the first class, right? I learned like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in, this guy wanted you to be engaged and for some reason I'm like, I will follow you to the ends of the earth. And he had like a little ranking, like top three students on the whiteboard. And if I wasn't on that ranking, if I was in top two, I was going home and I'm like, god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That class was not competitive for those, like, stars.


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[Assistant] He doesn't hurt, he was just a really cool guy, like, you could just, and he was super intelligent, like, this guy could have had me, you know, come on over after class, like this guy could have got me, but he didn't, you know, he's just that cool guy, and uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every project I was like, can I do this? He's like, we just, there's no, like we don't have the funds. I'm like, I need a piece of glass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I ended up googling, I'm like, fuck this, I just googled like, good science fair projects for like, elementary schools, like, students on a budget or something, and I, I did a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god, sorry, my, my mom just texted me about the dog that I was telling you about Sam earlier, and I told her it's the passing comment, like, let him name the, my mom just bought a dog without telling my stepdad, and he's, you know, understandably very angry, uh, but it's very cute, and I'm like, let him name it, maybe they'll comment down, now he's coming up with like, shit, fuck.


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[Assistant] The most, the most embarrassing and worst, I've definitely talked about this before on the air, the year after that. So this is like, that year is like, I love science. The year after it's like, I, you know, I love science, whatever. I didn't have that teacher. I did


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a thing of hot syrup, of hot maple syrup. Here's a thing of cold maple syrup. If I drop pennies in these, which one will hit the bottom faster? Like, does temperature affect viscosity?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even for undergrad, we had the option of my program, it's like, you can write a like 50 page paper, or you can do an internship. And it's like, everyone's trying to get an internship anyway, so it kind of, it's kind of bad, but it's like, who gets an internship does that.


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[Assistant] My friends are like, yeah, I've been working for half the semester on this paper and like, I'm really not, I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm like, yeah, I, for my work today, I played foosball for like four hours and like my boss said, I'm doing a great job. So like, well, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like you, you want it, you know, if it's going to be a book fair, so you want it to be more fun. You like stuff people will relate to more easily. I mean, it sounds like that's what the whole book is. It's kind of taking the like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just, you know, miss out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ask, like, is there a best way to buy your book? Is it through Amazon the same as buying it from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, yea, people still die in boxing with big puffy red gloves, so I can't imagine hard leather. Oh yea, no, it would have been gruesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's crazy that people just sat around and like, watched.


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[Assistant] Is that something you have to, cause I've never like really learned another language. I mean, I guess like, in what I did, I lost, but I was never...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that something you have to keep up pretty often or you start to lose it or is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I think he probably could have been in even more movies if he was just like, hey, what's up guys? Like, I don't know, maybe it's an act, but something about like whatever accent you start with, I feel like really sticks with a lot of people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Much harder than like you go to that country and live there for 10 years now that you speak a language.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I get what people talk about. I drink two of them. I had to switch off. I don't know if you know, I'm drinking Corona's now. He's already had one of these on stream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got bumped off. I haven't really been going out much lately. I've been just, I've been doing a lot of hiking and stuff and sightseeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I just went out to Ohio last weekend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It fucking sucks there. Flat like, you know, like car salesman fucking lots and flags that are a hundred yards wide. Then you go out there and it's like, man, this is God's country. You know, you start getting a little bit of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put on a fucking cowboy hat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's where, like, all my family's from, like, Appalachian mountain folk, and it shows. But, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's so tiny. Yeah, I think this is what it looks like. Like, does that look like Ohio to you? Look at these caves and caverns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold up, I have a really important question. Have you ever read, uh, The Way of Kings? Any of that series? The Way of King? Oh!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it is impressive. I'm on the third one right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's writing, he writes like 2.5, 1.5, like he puts in between books too that are like decently long about side characters from the world and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's insane. It really is. One of my friends recently told me about him and I was like, ugh, what, he described it in such a like, yeah, it's like knights, but they have power ranger armor and lightsabers. And I was like, okay, like of course that appeases to kid me, but like that sounds ridiculous. And then I read it. I'm like, this is a masterpiece.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He does a great job of that. And it's like, so the, the, the like politics of the world are really interesting. Like chapters, right? In other books, I might normally be like, I'm like, God damn, like what is going on in this world?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think pushing the podcast back to later though has been a great success in terms of, since we've done it, every podcast has been like an hour longer than they used to be and I feel like we're more


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm going to be doing most of the talking anyway, I need to be the most awake. So it's helped me a lot. And I can also drink beer. Like I'm not going to listen. Like I drink beer, but I'm not going to start drinking beer at noon, you know, like for a fucking noon podcast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, I don't smoke before late anyway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I know though, it's so, it looks fucked up. The first watermelon I smashed it, it's gonna shatter and I'm gonna probably break both my legs, but it's gonna be so worth it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 40 more seconds, cause we'll hit three hours exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sam, take us in, take us into this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe anything he said, so, I'm sorry. Yeah, I think it looks good. I like it. I actually think it looks awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he needs to, if he knew what was coming up in our future, our near future, he wouldn't be flaking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he's gonna make a banger tune that's gonna be like, like licks. Yeah, he'll do something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm thinking, I'm trying to think of what I should put in this, I just got a gumball machine with patron money, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, it was Big Kenny's. Everyone loves Big Kenny. Oh, huge fan. Yeah, he did, uh, save a horse, ride a cowboy. Uh, which got me laid. You know what you should do, it's filthy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm gonna, I'm, can you tie a string to it? Cause I can't really get in the back of it too well. It's, the locks kinda fucked up. I wanna lose some quarters in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You are, you just munched it down though. You're supposed to savor em. No. God damn, you're gonna, you know you're gonna be picking in your teeth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this would be a great book. I'm thinking about DMing a D&D session with some of my IRL friends. This would be a great book to just use as like all the monsters in it.


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[Assistant] You strike one giving her the Peter Peter pizza eater, strike two.


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[Assistant] I gotta do some work with it, yeaah. Okay, you gotta do some, gotta do some work? Yeaah.


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[Assistant] We shouldn't be asking these kinds of questions. You ever space out for a while and miss the part where I go, oh cut that, cut that.


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[Assistant] Or just put on like a, put on a Matthew McConaughey movie or something. Put on a Matthew McConaughey rom-com.


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[Assistant] People think I'm like, uh, people think I've got kind of like a cow poke vibe because of the way I look. Nah.


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[Assistant] I have two horses, but they're miniature horses. I'm like, you know, they don't really count. But that song did a lot for me.


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[Assistant] A lot for me in college, yea. Also, totally off topic.


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[Assistant] You know, eagle-eyed viewers of the podcast, can you tell I'm using a new camera? And can you tell it pisses me off because it's just a webcam and it looks the exact same as my like real camera?


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[Assistant] I'm sorry. I'm trying to, I think I'm projecting because I'm, I really hate the reflection in this glass. So I'm just. That's unprofessional.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I'm going for the 40 year old virgin bedroom, which I honestly- That guy's house fucking rules.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Stolt, I know you love when we talk about movies. What is your favorite movie?


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[Assistant] And what do you like about it?


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[Assistant] Great. It's got front flips, it's got it, yea, it's really... It's one of my grandpa's favorites too. You would like my grandpa.


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[Assistant] Which one, the murdering one or? No, non-murdering. Murdered. The victim, he's dead now.


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[Assistant] Uh, he loves Starship Troopers and for some reason, I don't know if anyone's ever seen the movie Evolution with David Dukocny. Good movie. I've seen that movie probably about a hundred times. Is his name David Dukocny? No, it's...


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[Assistant] I could be completely wrong. David Duchufny.


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[Assistant] My name is Earl. Oh. That's the brother for my name is Earl when he said his name.


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[Assistant] I was in DC recently with Omid and we went out and he was like, yeah, you should meet one of my viewers, Drew.


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[Assistant] And he kept saying like, yea, it's average Omeid viewer, average Omeid live viewer. This guy's like 6'6", like jack to the bone, handsome and nice. I've never seen a viewer like this in my life.


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[Assistant] And he just, he was, he was like a weird double edged sword to have with you at the bars, cause girls would come over to him, and they'd just be like, I wanna fuck this guy. And then he'd be like, no. And then the scraps! And then you get to, yeaah.


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[Assistant] No, it was, it was just fu- I missed having like a-


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[Assistant] I don't know, I think what he does is he hides the freak shows a lot better. I think he hides the nutcases. Really? Uh, I think he just sweeps them under the rug and then he like curates like, oh I'll only talk to you because, actually I think he met, like he had no idea what Drew was like and then he met him and was like, yes!


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[Assistant] Isn't it weird that there's like people though that like see, would see, this is not like a dig on you at all, but like would see you and like freeze up. Like, like the guy that I saw that was like kinda like all nervous, I'm like, I'm just a fucking dude that like,


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[Assistant] Does a podcast and plays video games. Like it's about as- I'd be more impressed meeting like an accountant.


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[Assistant] Like, you know, if someone was like a doctorate, I'd be like, uuuh.


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[Assistant] Let's just subscribe to the Patreon to listen to this side story. He's like, no man, I'll just send it to you. I never got that.


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[Assistant] Yeah. And then what? And then he'll put me in video game high school too. Oh, okay. Just making sure that, you know, it's going that direction now, you know.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Uh, or I get to keep doing my job I love.


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[Assistant] I got a perm going. I actually did just, I just got a notification like 15 minutes ago, I uh, ordered like a month ago, a pair of any year.


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[Assistant] They're on the way. It's coming! It's coming! But no, I ordered like, uh, I'm so into the Logitech wireless sphere. I fucking love this shit. Like, the peripherals. I got a pair of in-ear Logitech headphones that will hopefully...


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[Assistant] That you can't really return them afterwards because they, they like formed in your ears in like 15 seconds and then they're supposed to be a perfect fit.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, it's me, Poob from the podcast you were just listening to or watching. Uh, it's ad read time. Let's see if I've got a little, might have a little thing here, my big Kenny, big and rich gumball machine that could help out with this. Let's see.


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[Assistant] Uh, look at that. Wow, this will help me read.


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[Assistant] We've all been looking at stuff on the internet we didn't want others to know about, you know? Maybe it's Brian looking at that site he won't tell us about, or Sam looking up secret marriage advice.


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[Assistant] I know most of you are probably thinking, why don't you just use incognito mode? Let me tell you something. Incognito mode does not hide your activity. It doesn't matter what mode you use or how many times you clear your browsing history. Your internet service provider can still see every single website you've ever visited.


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[Assistant] That's why even when I'm at home I never go online without using ExpressVPN.


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter who your internet service provider is, ISPs in the US can legally sell your information to ad companies. ExpressVPN is an app that reroutes your internet connection through their secure server so your ISP can't see the sites you visit.


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[Assistant] Most of the time, I don't even realize how I have ExpressVPN on. It runs seamlessly in the background and it's so easy to use. All you have to do is tap one button and you're protected. ExpressVPN is available on all your devices, phones, computers,


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[Assistant] Even your smart TV, so there's no excuse for you to not be using it.


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[Assistant] Check your online activity today with the VPN rated number one by Business Insider. Visit our exclusive link expressvpn.com slash forehead and you can get an extra three months free.


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[Assistant] On a one year package, that's expressvpn.com slash forehead. Expressvpn.com slash forehead to learn more. Hey Sam. I'm back.


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[Assistant] You know what, I did get to use one of those little cool Rode mics that, uh,


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[Assistant] I hate to keep bringing the guy up, but I just love him to death. Omid Live's poker game. First off, I want to play more poker. I just learned how and I was clean in house. Second off, I really love the idea of doing more like IRL, like stream content and stuff like that. Super fun. So fun. Just great time. I wish Sam was a


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[Assistant] Less of like, had a family. And more like, just set stuff up for me.


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[Assistant] And like kind of just like curated things for me to do more, but it's whatever.


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[Assistant] Uh, well technically I flied first class only on the way back and I paid for my upgrades. He paid for base ticket, he said anything you want extra you Venmo me. So I got economy premium, cause I'm all legs. Uh, and then yea, he paid for our housing, beautiful little hotel room, once again.


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[Assistant] Lettuce showed up. No, he absolutely did not, but he has a lot of like equipment now that he can use in the future for stuff.