[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was like Lincoln actually visited this battlefield about two weeks later and the guy was like, actually it was the 22nd. Yeah, it was two days. And he was like, okay, so a week. Yeah, he was, he was pissed. Nice. He ruffled his feathers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had a good question about- Nah, I was just asking about McClellan. Cause McClellan gets shit on a lot by everybody. I'm anti-McClellan, dude. Antietam boys love McClellan. Okay. So these guys devoted their lives to Antietam, where McClellan was kind of victorious. So they're like, nah, he actually was pretty cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was doing that as a nice treat for Andrew, the owner of the club. I was trying to make the whole full theater order around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was trying to make- No, not for free. I was trying to make them buy one for my friend Andrew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I was trying to raise it. Yeah, I was trying to get some bread. Did it work? Did it? I ended up having a few, a few, a few brave souls. Got a shot of tequila. Very warm tequila. That was terrible. Oh, that's funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, dude, so we eat like- Dude, what is with the underwear you wear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked through today and I was like, damn, he's out of bed. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. But you were up. I've started in your tighties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we wore his underpants we would need that. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chris is actually- And all the songs are about my ass, yea. Very good guitar player. Nice. Yea, I'm alright. Chris is good. Hell yea. He's good enough that I can be like, play this song and like a minute later I'll start playing it. Fuck yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This all started because Tommy has a guitar and he's trying, he's learning, he's trying to play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He have a, Tommy's not, he doesn't go the WAP route. He goes like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rhythm and blues. Yea, he loves like R&B. Really? He's like a new R&B. It's like brand new R&B.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to be stealing Comtown Valor, which is singing gay songs or gay lyrics, but yeah, that's what I do all day. Chris plays songs and whatever song he's playing, I just make it about him being a homie. There is a cock in Christopher's ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kev's number one. Kev's number one, I'm number two. You think you can shred harder than Bill?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I'm also the best singer. I'm the best singer in the family. I think you're a good singer. Thank you, bro. You're a good singer as well. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we'd get there and she'd order a drink like when we got there and I'd be like, all right, I guess I'm going home at midnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how I am with just about every drug, all that stuff. I'm just like, well, it hasn't hit yet. I'll just keep eating it and keep eating it. And then next thing you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you were fucking off in a vehicle under the influence. Yeah. Matt, this isn't funny dude. Well, I hate this sketch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the alcohol made me, I was driving like a dad from the Elks. Each night I was like, I can drive, I'm perfectly fine. Every night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we go in. Billy, you can really visually see when he's hammered too. It all like falls apart. His hair was fucked up, his eyes were like dark red.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our mushrooms hit us on the way back. In the morning. Because she and I both like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then just in the morning we're like, why are we weird? And then we just had a dead silent five hour drive back to New York.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know you came up here and did- I drove up to New York City the next day and had to go do spots at The Cellar. And the first spot I did was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I lost my voice. So like I led the lead up to the joke. I was like, oh, like I was thinking in my head, like, oh fuck, I'm not going to be able to do this. So then I like screamed the impression to try to get into the mic. I was like, eh, eh. People were just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just walked in and ate a dick after. Yeah, it was terrible. That was a bad day. That was a rough one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. Last night was, two nights ago was the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. I wanted to stop at my parents house so bad on the way home instead of driving to New York. If I, if it wasn't, if I didn't just start working there, I would have canceled to just go lay at my mom and dad's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'll put him in retirement for a long time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every show, every single show dudes come up and are like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That one in Utah was not, he gave me a full grocery bag filled with like acid and mushrooms and all, so I was just like holy shit dude. Sick. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. Um, dears, slide over bruh. Let's slide over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Into the Patreon. Alright. Thank you for listening to our podcast. Appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I might go to watch. Really? Hell yea. Careful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the garage. Yeah, I did CrossFit with my daddy. Really? His dad did CrossFit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was his birthday present. He wanted, he said, I would love for you to join me on my workout for my birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people that are, that are competitive. Lesbians. Lesbians and like dudes that are gay but don't want to admit it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he like belongs as a member to a gym and everyone's like friends. And he's just kinda like the old dude that chills.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That girl will like you. From the beach. I know. All the girls will like me at the beach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One time, one time I went there on 420 and there was a big group of black guys passing around joints and I smoked it with them and it was the most diversity I've had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, I work at Barstool, it's been, you know, we've met each other at the office and you're like, okay, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the best ski lodges in the country is actually called the Stein Ericsson in Deer Valley. I ran into Mitt Romney in the Waffle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you were saying, like, Australians do that. I was like, hilarious. I thought he was doing a bit. Yeah. Go ahead, go ahead. I went to a brothel in Australia at, uh, 10am on a Tuesday. It was the wrong time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they were, I mean, that's like their, that's like their C squad, you know, everyone else who's, who matters has gone off to bed. What did you do sexually? Uhm, we did, we didn't, we, we sat in the waiting room and they parade out the women one after another. You kind of interview them and we pass on all of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A brothel. Where at? In, in Sydney. Australia. Australia. It's illegal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was so garish in the middle of 10am on a Tuesday. We actually went straight from the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, that's true, I'm being great. That's okay, that's okay. Where you from? I feel bad for what I said. Where you from? Uh, Maine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, no, the thing they said in the brothel was that all the women had two different, like, modes. And they would come out and give you their pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then they'd be like, my name's whatever. And I do this. I do the girlfriend experience. And they were like, it's very, you know, sensual. We can cuddle, kiss, oral and all that. And then all of that kind of getting hard. Go ahead. Hope you like me, you know, let me know. See you later. And then they leave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next girl came in and like gave us the same pitch. And then three other girls came in, same pitch. And then finally the, the madam who was like organizing the whole thing came in and was like, all right boys, did you find anyone you fancied?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were like, well, everyone gave us the girlfriend experience. Is there anything else? And she's like, well, yeah. Um, we've got the porn star experience, but I figured a couple of classy New York boys like yourselves wouldn't be up for that. What's that one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we were like, we're at a brothel at 10am on a Tuesday, of course we want the porn star experience. She's like, it's very naughty, you know, spanking, hey, a pool wing, bit of a joke, anything guys. And uh, we were like, yeah, that's, of course we're not trying to recreate failed relationships with whores.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we're very jet lagged. And we actually, to the point where we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what my friends have said. It's a lot like sex. I think it's more like I haven't been to the places where it's so calm. Like when you go to Columbia, I've heard it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably police, I mean, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Apparently the cooling mechanism that makes your throat less irritated, which makes you want to be able to smoke more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not coming in my car if you're spitting. You don't spit. That's good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go to Sweden and the Scandinavian countries, the women do this too. They pack the snooze in the lips.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I was asking why am I nuts. Cause I love when you say stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't tell you how much I want another bite of that apple, but I've held off. Do it. You guys told me not to, it's very crisp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, government with a focus on the middle east.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wanted to work for the CIA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, you're right. Did you ever see that movie, uh, Bridge of Spies? No, it wasn't. What's the one with Leo? Leonardo DiCaprio? Catch Me If You Can? Yes, that's the one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know, I didn't know the CIA had a presence in Brazil or Portugal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love getting dressed up. I, I would have had problems. You love your country though. I sure do. Sure love my country. You would do it. Take a rubber bullet for it, you know? Did you? Mm-mm. Oh. Thought you were out protesting. But you know, oh, speaking of America, uhm, you know what's really cleaned up is, and this is not a bit, the DMV. Have you guys been there in a while?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Social Security card and my driver's license. And those are the two things you need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, only in comedy they do. True. They don't like me here. They don't like me here. They hate white people. They're like, what are you doing here? You got off on the wrong stop, dude. What about dyeing your hair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't think I need to. It's getting blonder as I age. So the red is fading. Which is good. It used to be way redder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The last time I saw Shane, well not the last time, but one of the times I was hanging out with Shane and Andrew Schultz, they were both, uh, they pulled me aside at a party and they were like pulling up old pictures of me and they were like, dude, you used to be so ugly. No, I didn't say you were ugly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what the CIA has done for me is it has made me very wary of drones. You ever see a drone just out and about and you're like, is that looking at me? You ever see that now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. The first time I ever saw Joe DeRosa was when he was on stage at Madison Square Garden. Yeah, I swear to God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But isn't a pop-up sort of a novelty moment where, but if you're doing it consistently, would you call it a pop-up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, I was reading, there was a piece that came out about a lot of the women who went to OnlyFans who were then getting like outed and then losing their jobs at like OnlyFans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in LA, there was a, I went to a strip club and it was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they stopped serving alcohol, I feel like one in the morning, at the strip clubs. I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you were playing like high school or college sports and the guys were like, uh, you know, you'd shower. Were there guys on your team who would like work it up a little before they came in? I don't even know any of those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well that was, that was a rowboat. That wasn't quite a crew. Movie. Movie. What would you call a crewboat? Uh, uh, I don't know what you'd call it. I'd imagine a rowboat. A galley? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Like an eight person narrow rowing boat? It was just kinda rowboat, wasn't it? Oh no, a rowboat is when you have both of them and you're going out to a bigger boat. To a lighthouse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me ask you this about Philly. I was driving through the city like a week or two ago, and they seem to have redone all of the roads. The whole city is completely modernized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you guys ever think about if, if you were to watch something unfold, like a, uh, someone homeless or something is about to like attack, uh, uh, uh, an elderly nice person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, you know. Homeless? Yeaah. Okay. Yeaah. Dirty. Okay. Uhm. Would you step in? Fuck no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thanks bruh. I've been thinking a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, to, to intervene, especially given how many people are, are picking up phones and taping altercations. I had that thought with the lady outside, I was like, I don't need to call the cops. You just need, you need one moment where you're the guy on camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you wanna save? This is the one I want. This is the one I think about a lot. Someone...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where I jump down and I sort of cover her and push her into the trough. And we, and we, and the train comes over us and then we scramble out and I'm like, we're all good here. And by that point, everyone's filming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you know what else was pretty good? That horror film, Vacancy. Take it back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would think, if you took Viagra, it would definitely, and then you caught your wrist, it would, it would. Blood would be pumping, blood would be pumping out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have to splint it, man? Do you create the finger splint and feed it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel good. I feel good about my chances.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's redder here than, than here. Really? Because these don't get sunlight. Can I get a good look? I'm pretty trim right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I go with the grain, but at some point when you get to the base, you gotta, you gotta come from the other side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're straight, right? I'm not hairy, are you kidding me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was cool. They're all, they're signing everything and it's, uh, you know, there was one guy who was only half deaf and so everyone else would be giving their interviews or whatever and they would be signing and then there'd be subtitles and then this guy would, would speak as if to flex that he was not completely hearing impaired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Joe, I, I was, I uhm, when I met you, you were a lot thinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, uh, I was nine, nine years old. Yep. And, uh, my mom went to college with a woman. What college? Shoot, Princeton. There's the first class of women in Princeton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Queen. The Queen of Jordan. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and in order to get that, they had to get the permission from the king, obviously. And then he was into it. Spielberg, Spielberg was, was the director. And so they were like, he was going down to the film set every day and he became good friends with Harrison Ford.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We went to their 25th wedding anniversary in England. I was nine years old and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was young and we were sitting there at the table and this helicopter comes over the house, this massive mansion, lands in the garden and out steps Harrison Ford who had been flying the helicopter with the King of Jordan. They were just taking a joyride.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah. This is not wrinkled, you know, gravelly. It was the best, like, celebrity thing I could have had when I was nine years old. And then we, there's pictures of us like walking, me and Harrison walking through the gardens together, like planting this tree to commemorate their 25 years of marriage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know, I know. And it's got the emblem in the seal. Call him up right now. Really quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. Fast forward, uh, like I don't know, 12 or 14 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the king has passed away of Jordan and so she's now the queen mother. She's no longer the queen because obviously the son became the king. Oh shit. And uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm seated at a table for her, their 60th birthday, for the Queen's 60th birthday. We're at the same estate in Ascot, England. And now I'm like 25, whatever. And I'm sitting next to Princess Iman, their daughter, who was named one of People Magazine's 25 hottest royals under 25.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, oh my god, and they meant it. Her, her brothers, uh, Prince Abdullah and Hashim were, uh, right there up on the, like, dance floor or whatever. They almost jumped down and squashed you. Well, they didn't see us, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got divorced shortly after, she got married and then shortly divorced shortly after that. Really? She went to Sandhurst. Text her dude. Which is the British, uh, like Naval Academy. Okay. Or Army Academy. Shane's brother


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I was gonna, I asked Gardini if he wanted some of my grapefruit, uh, but then I, he took some, but then I, but then I remembered that he might be allergic to it. So I said, oh no, I hope you don't seize, uh. Why? Oh, cause he had a seizure. It was a blood orange. No, I said it's a ruby red grapefruit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going for pussy right now. Growing mustaches and eating grapefruit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what you think. You just gotta be confident.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just got done fixing my toilet and I saw you come up. That's why you're in charge dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, what's your... Communism gets you more pluses. Until... Communism... No. True. Fast True. No, I don't know about that. If you are...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's because it's that Billie Eilish fashion that everyone wants to dress like they're like. Is that what that is? Yeah, dude. That young chick? Yeah. Bringing back like 90s baggy bullshit fashion. Cause that's what they want if they just dress like that. I want to see their fucking ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I felt bad, like she was going to tell everybody and she didn't, she just kept it. And then I went to her house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't worry about the song. It was great. Uh, but yeah, a hundred plus days sober. That's great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Little boy. Big enough one where I'm like, I don't know how much I'm gonna need. Cause I didn't know how bad the damage was when I got there and I was like, I kept hitting my head in the hole. It was pretty bad. Being like, holy crap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I put a little bit of that weird, like, it looks like screen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My sister did that and she rested her tits on the table and put a blanket over top of it. What? It looked fucking hilarious as shit. What happened? My sister put her tits on the table and hooked the two breast pumps up and then put a blanket over top of it and just sat there. It was like lunch? Dude, it was fucking ridiculous. She just sat there. It just looked like a fucking bib on somebody. It was fucking ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We used to make fun of the kids who drank skim in elementary school because it came in a pink carton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two bottles of wine. Just two bottles of wine. A day? A day, dude. No shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. And then the other one. How they feel about Trump? How they feel about Trump? They both thought he was retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, you ever bang a Pro Trump? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's more like the way that you know exactly what the fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That did roll. Washing dishes. Don't get me wrong, like if I was working in the, like I'd never, I'd never wanted to be a bartender. At all. Because I didn't want, I didn't give a shit about making drinks for anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're mean jerks. They shouldn't, they need to be gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are people who are just trying to work and get as much money as they can, cause they have other shit going on, but when people come in and they're immediately like, oh, this guy's working in a bar, of course he's fucking stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying stop complaining, it's just a job and they're very well paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was also a fucking door guy. That's fucked. I've been spit on three times, shown a gun once in a nightclub. What'd you do? Said, where's your ID?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. I've been punched in the face many times. Because that's my reality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They give birth, the baby comes out and cries, they're like ehh, scared, she's a tattoos. I'm all about it. I'm all about it. Always have been. You're like a tatted woman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the sickest tat you've ever seen on a babe? What's the best tat? Uh, this one chick had and it like, it was a, it was a bunch of snakes that went up her legs up to her pussy, which were fucking awesome. That was tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like there was like three or four, and then there was another chick that I was really into that had snakes on her ass. I had a big snake thing for a little bit, which was... Snakes on the ass, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me the inside scoop. I'm gonna fucking clean up. See, everything, everything you're saying doesn't really apply to me because I don't do any drugs and I never show up late. True that. So I never, all the things that you, all these elements you're talking about. You've never showed up late? Never. I'm always on time or early. Sober? Sober? I've never, let's put it this way. Let's put it this way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, you gotta, again, you gotta take into consideration how much is your job that you, the job you perceive and how much other shit you gotta deal with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I first, well now it's, it's up now because of the pandemic they're trying to get people to come back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeah. So that's the thing. And it was also because the clientele got exponentially worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's a fucking cocksucker now. Everyone's a real people. The people who come to the fucking bars, they're terrible. They're fucking terrible people. What do they do? They're just what? Complaining. You want to talk about complaining? Everyone fucking complains. Shut the fuck up and eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you can't control the, like, the bitches that come in for a brunch or you can't control the people who come in for, like, that are just terrible. That's true. I don't want to. And you'd think you'd be cool with it and you would be for, like, maybe a month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no. I would never say I'm stronger than anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just the amount of death. We don't get attached. I would keep it icy. I keep it icy as hell. She was like Leon the professional dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I couldn't complain about work to her, but I never did. You usually just complain about the people like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's somebody stealing, dude. That's stealing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What I'm saying is, if you, I've said like, if I get really fucked up and they're like, oh, he's on life support, be like, donate me to any experimental science you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like just, if they're like even like, Oh, we're experimenting with taking somebody's head off and putting it on a robot body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in Russia, when they were testing the space, they were like using like borderline invalids to go up in the rockets. They're like, Hey, we're gonna use monkeys. We're going to use people cause we can't design it for like the people going over the rockets are going to be the size of chimps. True. Yeah. We got to use people. So they were just like, Hey, you want to make some extra rubes? And they would just get, but they were shipped like, Oh, oh, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're here with Lemare Lee. Buzzerbeater 2. Called him. The L'morp. I called him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I called him after he texted me. Moments after you called him the second time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got a little heated there. The guy from the office was on Fallon last night. I love the office. That's when worlds collide. Yeah. When they start making like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get some vodka on you, stumble out in front of a live audience, that'd be fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I've seen some of his videos. He's pretty fucking brutal. He gets wacky. I've heard he's cool. Yeaah. First hand accounts I've heard he's the man. Yeaah. From dudes that have done the late night like the sketch, but uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, you like traveling, huh? Would you like to write for The Daily Show someday?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny, but last night, my dad, my dad's getting old. I was, I was with him last night and he tried to, tried to make it go into space joke and he's like, what are you, Jeff Boros?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's your monologue? Yeah. Jeff Bezos went to space with a red and old lady? Is that what you said?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See? That's the type of stuff you got. Matt knows how to tap into a joke. You gotta figure that out. You know? It's like fracking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he? There was something in there. Oof. No, he kept saying fellas. Fellas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've done it before. All those gorgeous sluts. Dude, just all those. Storges are sluts. Oh yeah. When you get to shit back there and make the sluts go. All the sluts, they're all hung over from their layover.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Don't let them try to neuter the black. Yes, they're trying to make all the black kings have to say, what he said was wrong and we're sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's part of the curse. She's like, yo, I was Josh and Trill. She's part of the curse. Trill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yep. That seems- Self defense? That seems worse than what he said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then, that'll, it'll be like World War I. I felt like this Black Civil War. It'll drag the big dogs in. Then you're gonna get the white patriots getting involved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna know what's interesting? I found this woke war. I became the center of a bit of a woke war. Not really a crazy one, but I tweeted out that the green night sucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How would I have, yes it did suck. How would I have known that it was a woke issue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But everybody that was like, no, it was actually fucking amazing has he, him, she, like all that. Is it like a woke term? The people mad that I said it sucked were all woke. I clicked all their profiles. It's a weird thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's probably why they like it. Cause this one, the main character is kind of a coward the whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lancelot. Oh, nice. Was it about Lancelot or no? No, it's about Gowain. Gowain. Gowain. Who the hell is Gowain?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went, no, he's not the Green Knight. He fought the Green Knight. It does make sense though, cause nobody fights once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole movie sucks, dude. It's heartbreaking. I was so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bizarre. You see Kum though. What? Kum makes an appearance. Well that's why they- those fucking- Kum has some good appearances. Kum is in the movie? On The Lady? Kum has been in that, Kum was in Call Me By Your Name. Kum is making a resurgence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had like a turkey base or a comb. And then they had a bucket of jizz and they threw it on like a blind guy that they broke into his house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. That's what happened. But anyway, the Green Night did suck and I was very excited for it. And people got fired up about it? Yeah, everybody's like, the cinematography is beautiful. It's like, dude, it is. The movie still sucks. It's boring. It's fine. While I was watching it, I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't believe this. I couldn't believe how bad it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He prejacks. A knight? A knight? Well, he's not a knight, dude. Actually, when he prejacks, the lady goes, you're not a knight. Pretty sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. There's almost no dialogue. Nobody speaks. You just watch this guy walk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might like it. I might. There's a lot of, you like the mythology. That's what it is basically. All of a sudden everybody, I know you are, but all of a sudden everybody in the comments is like an expert on Arthurian mythology. I'm not an expert at all. Yea, but you know more than I do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Buddha. The Buddha. Married his cousin and then abandoned his child. Really? So the Buddha, oh wait, wasn't he like a prince? Wasn't he like, yea. Siddhartha. That's how you get to Nirvana. Actually all this shit sucks. Yeah. Wasn't that his thing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of, he was- He was like a rich kid from New York that was like, actually capitalism sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he reach enlightenment or did he just tell people he did? I don't know. Is he like, guys, I did it. I haven't got to the booty yet. It's kind of like John Smith from Mormon where he's like, guys, God just hit me up. I'm the only one that knows. Everyone was like, sweet. I need Jesus, dude. I need people to witness the miracles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how they say Jesus. There's a rumor that Jesus went out east. I heard that. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also the same. Well, the Pharisees were the high priests. Year people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they do have a good point about one god. Yeah. You know, they are monotheistic. Oh yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like prayer groups. Don't let anybody tell you drinking's a sin, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not in the bible. It certainly is not. Jesus was like yo. Jesus turned water into wine. Yea bro. Jesus liked to have a good drink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what a man's hand is supposed to look like. They're supposed to look like fucking toenails. I have fucking long lady fingers. You have beautiful nail beds, dude. I do have great nail beds. On short. I have white alligator hands, dude. I don't know why I'm shitting on you. You have good hands for a guy who played like football. Yea, well I have small hands, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So wait, let me ask, you think black anime is on the baby side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who else is on DaBaby? T.I.? Pretty much all the real rappers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then which side's Lil Uzi Vert on? Woke side?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lil Nas X? Lil Nas X might be leading the woke side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They are. Yeah. For sure. Will you ask us to name? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they, they did, yeah, they neutered, the blackish is fucking ridiculous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was a nasty woke. I think she was a nasty little woke. Unless she was chilling with George W. She might have ruled. That's when they started to turn on her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, I saw a fun thing. Uh, did you see, I think they're bringing it up now. They're trying to sue the pharmaceutical companies because Huntington, West Virginia, in the last like, I think it was like 8 years, received 81 million


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From, uh, in the heart of it. So from like, 08 to 14?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty funny. That's that show that uh, heroin show on Netflix, this lady just went around in Huntington.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And just, everyone was OD'ing. Oh yea. Dudes are OD'ing at Sheets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been desperately searching for these things. I went to a CVS. They weren't there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I watched Alone, you ever watch Alone? No, what's that? It's good. There's one season on Netflix, it's on the History Channel, but they...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just drop people off in the Arctic by Slave Lake in Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just put you in the arctic. Anyway, this guy, I watched a guy kill a porcupine with a log. He just ran up on it and dashed it. The same guy killed a muskox, he stabbed a muskox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shot it with an arrow and then had to keep running up to it and stabbing it and running away. It's pretty dark, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're huge. You ever see dudes get rocked by those? No, I'm not. I think there's a video, I hope he's Asian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's good eating bro. That is. That'd be tough butchering though. They'd all be gnarled up, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You just let them fall on the rocks. That's surprising. The Native Americans are usually a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, that's how, that's how they rocked it. It was bullshit, dude. They were picking out. I don't like that. Probably could became fat. They probably became lads. Probably. That tribe definitely just was like, alright, we're done. Yeah, we're going south. We're going south.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, we beat the lads. 1-0 in soccer. U.S. men's team. Meanwhile the women lost to Canada.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I think we have a third place game. Meanwhile, the men's backups won the gold cup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy money. What? Yeah, bro. They beat the lads? The lads, and the lads brought their A-team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The backup beat the A team? Our backups beat Mexico's number one team. Yeah, it was nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy, there's a guy at the Comedy Cellar whose favorite team is Mexico. USA was playing Mexico and we were watching and he was like, I cheer for Mexico. And I was like, what? And he was like, dude, they're like, poor. This is like all they have. I was like, you don't think there's poor Americans that like this? What's wrong with you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out this still of a hot chicken painting. This is how lame America is though. Every time we play them, we, it's always, sometimes it's in New England, but they always either put it, they put it where the lads are gonna pack the stadium. Yeah. In the United States. So like this one was in Vegas, packed. Really? Wall to wall. What about in Texas? They usually put it in Texas. Kind of a fuck you though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, and we beat them in soccer. Our team, it was a back-up, so we had no idea what the sport was, dude. Guys were running around, they were like, what even is this? Like, do we throw this? Headed it, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, our guys are hot white guys. Dork white guys. Sting. Bring out the bros, dude. Bring out the fucking kings. NFL corners. You know how good they'd be at soccer?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so good like right away. Yea, it fires me up dude. Yea man. Although there is an argument to be made against it. Cause the best teams in the world are like Spain. And they're like short, the best players were like short, weird guys. Isn't Ronaldo tall as fuck? Ronaldo's tall. And hot. But Messi's not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's a short guy? Yeah, he's a short king. Nice. Whatever happened to Freddie, I do. He flopped, unfortunately. He's gone? Yeah. That was our hope. That was the first time like a black guy was playing American soccer. We were all like, yo, shout out Kobe Jones though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got some good bros though. Serginio Dest, you're gonna like him. I'm gonna like that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you want to, do you want black guys to get good at soccer? Yeah. I did too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I like it. So you think Africans are not black? No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they've gotten that a little bit. Like they've gotten it with like Jay-Z being like, I support Hillary Clinton y'all. Yeah. Like stuff like that. Yeah. Throw up the rock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Smoothie King. Tropical smoothie? Yeaah. Isn't that, that's a chain. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I saw, wasn't there like a thing where a bunch of the cops testified and it ended up kind of like hurting the case to do an investigation? Like I think a bunch of cops testified and everyone, all the public, the, the favor, the people that were in favor of investigating this, saw these testimonies and were like, nah, we're good. We don't need to investigate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a nuts fucking job, dude. It is a nuts job. Now everyone's like, now some fucking kid from Penn's like, fuck yeah. I know, dude. You have no idea what I'm protecting you from. It's crazy. You have no idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, we'll wrap up. We'll wrap up, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, save it for the page. Let's delve into it. Lamar, I'm sure you have some theories on this. What are we looking at?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We need banana bites. I'll be in Rochester, New York this weekend. The 5th, 6th, and 7th of August. The 12th, 13th, and 14th I'll be at Zany's in Nashville. 19th, 20th, and 21st of August I'll be at the Stress Factory in New Jersey. That could be one. That's an easy one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna be so much fun. Well, that's gonna be a trick. It's a pro-olition dude. If black dudes are willing to, that's gonna be a tough one, to concede on us doing gay stuff. Cause the white guys love gay stuff. We might have to knock it off. We can't knock it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you make Muslims get a hold of us playing grab dick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very white auteminal season headed this way. Oh yeah. Big sweater season. Oh my god. We love leaves. True. Falling leaves. Although it is white girl fall every time. Yea, they kind of dominate the fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pumpkin spice? I know that's hack, but it's true. Pumpkin spice? Yeah, pumpkin cookies. My aunt used to make some pumpkin cookies. I used to fucking house them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? So fucking good, dude. Sweet potato pie, is that an African American cuisine? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not as sweet. Yeah. Does pussy taste like sweet potato pie? You know it. She has diabetes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fair. He was under a lot of stress, dude. There was also another guy. I'll be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all about Chapo. Chapito. That's the best show to be watching, Blacked Out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, welcome. We're here with our guests, Mike Racine and Sean McCarty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're back. We just did an episode and we're back for another one. We switched seats. Yes. That's it. That's going to be, we got to switch the mojo a little. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta use your mind a little more. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean? That's pigging out dude. Tantric JOI is disrespectful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's something I would be like, this is bad. I shouldn't have these powers. No, it's good, dude. I just like seeing a girl try to audition for a calendar. Yeah. And then she ends up getting doggy styled. And I finish and I say, thank you for your service. And I go about my day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were, they did porn together. And I feasted. You feasted? No, it felt weird, it felt weird. Of course. I did feast slightly and then I was like, this is, something's wrong. I've met these people, I've seen that dude. Yeaah. I jerked off to a, I watched a guy I've met, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll tell you what, I had to sit next to, this just reminds me of like fat people on planes. That's honestly, some guys, fat guys in an orgy must just be like, please don't sit next to me, please don't sit. Fuck, he's looking at my fucking seat. I had to sit next to, look, I'm, I'm big, but I don't,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This lady was massive. And I had to sit next to her on my flight to Rochester.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And thank Christ it was in one hour flight, but dude, she couldn't fit in the seat. She lifted the arm bar so that she could sit down and then closed it through her fat. The fat spilled under and over the armrest and I had to fucking sit next to her. And I'm the second biggest guy on the fucking plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] While it was moving, she was, she had her arms crossed on top of her bulbous fucking stomach. And while the plane was moving, she was totally just jiggling like a fucking plate of jello.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, clearly, ear shot. I mean, we, we were touching the entire flight. And there was an open seat behind me. And then she was like, yeah, well, give it a second. We, the gate's not closed yet. And a guy came on. That was human. I've never been fuming like that at another person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was with a guy. Oh, here's another thing. They were writing, I was standing in line to get on the plane. They, her and her fucking ugly bitch husband. Was he skinny as hell? Was he skinny as hell? He was not skinny as hell, but he was skinny fat. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They walked directly in front of me. Before, in line. They just walked straight in front of me in the line. To the point where I leaned over and I was like, hey. Hey. I said hello. And they didn't. They were too fat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First, I usually, I usually fly first class. And it's usually just, that's the only time I spend money. That and Grubhub. That isn't really the only thing. And uh, it's usually just me and white dudes. First class is very... You get some Indian fellas. It's a patriarchal system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she should, they should have, that she was too big. I'm too big. She was way too big. Was she spilling into your seat? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Totally. She had to open it to sit and then close it through her body. That's such a fat move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, I did, I basically did, with the Stortus, right here, I was like, can I switch seats?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know, it was my weakness that I was judging her as aggressively as I was. I was mad at her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, you would, there was, I hated her. I didn't want to come near her. Yeah, I mean dude. She was touching me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought about it, but then I feel bad for who I'm switching with because he was skinny fat, then I'm the unit moving in. You know what I mean? But you're contained. You're contained within your space. I feel bad about it. But you're contained.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta push them off. I push the ladies off. Get off. The girl I'm with now tries to snuggle constantly and I'm literally just like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sleep naked too, so the cuddling is-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have no idea what I'm up against. I have a lady who screams in her sleep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The girls love pills. Yeah. True. The ladies love pills. Pills are for girls. Yeah. For sure. Do you guys take antidepressants or anything?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poor guy. Como's done, dude. He's out. We're not allowed to kiss on the forehead anymore? Dude, did you watch the video that he put out, his press release video? I think it was like last week, it was great. What'd he do? It literally read, it sounded like a Dr. Seuss poem. He was like, I kiss girls, I kiss blacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kiss LGBTQ members. I hug on the plane. I hug on the train. It was, it was crazy. And each one, every time he'd say something, there'd be a picture of him hugging and kissing someone. Right. It was great. So he did like Biden effect. He was like, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was like, I did this my whole life. It's not a big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's like, you gotta slap him in the face. He said that? Yeah, he was like. Yeah, I think his shirt was off for some reason. I think it was like in a bathing suit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder how many guys have not like, just gotten like, diagnosed with, like, you have a month. I was like, alright. Going home, you know, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I agree with the idea. I agree with the title. It rules. It's so sick. I'll tell you what's crazy is every flying to, I fly every weekend to these shows and literally the whole time I'm flying, I'm contemplating death. Yeah. And then I just landed. I'm like, Hey, how's everyone?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talking shit music. Really? If I'm, if I'm afraid of death. Yeah. It's a good idea. I'm like, well, I can't die listening to this. True. Even though I'm sure a lot of people have. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Got shot listening to that. On the best, on the best like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's usually just one person walking up and just being like, and then everyone just runs. It's crazy. It's not like a big deal. It's not like dramatic. It's weird how people react, yeaah. It's very weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I had to jump on her and beat the shit out of that lady. People, some run, some like, yeah, it's like a weird jog away from it. Like a fight. It's like a fight broke out. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's probably the same thing. But it's like, what the fuck was that? Yeah, you get around the corner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kind of the same mentality the press had with Trump where they were like, even if he does something good, it's our obligation to the public to shut this down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? And I think that's how they feel about the vaccines. They're like, we're obligated to never question us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuckin' star quarterback. Oh yeaah, true. Euphoria yeaah. There's another one where the best, uh, what was the other one? Not Euphoria, there was another, like, hot kids show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, there was just a dude who was like a gay black guy that was like the best captain of the water polo team. And they were like, he's the man. He would wear like a dress to school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We all liked high school, for a while in America, every movie was like a high school drama. True, yeaah. You know? They were like big movies, like blockbuster movies were like, she's all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. So I think we do need the dorks to go back to having the, I wish I could redeem myself in high school quality. Now they've all been indoctrinated with all the people that were cool in high school are losers. You're the cool one. They need to remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how easy it would be for us to just stop being hardworking tough guys and start fucking fooling around with our friends? You know how much more fun this room would be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're doing a podcast right now. We could all lock the door and have guys time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess if you put it that way, there are some girls I would, if there's certain girls I would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking queen, dude. So you, your Starcraft guys would fuck other people's computers up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's right about that. But he shouldn't be throwing weird around if he's got nipple porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I have a question actually. What type of, uh, are you into any, no, it wasn't a bad question. You're being hard on yourself. Now, you and your Brazilian lover, are you into any wild sexual stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you would, he would get along spot. Oh yeaah. You would like, you would like, so the mob, how tied is the mob to the central intelligence agency?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, the whops of the docs must have fucked people up dude. That's another Dr. Seuss book. Whops of the docs? There's one of those Japanese now, get the son of a bitch. Why are there so many whops of the docs?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I personally am afraid I would lose it too often. That's just how I feel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's already fucking hot. It's crazy. It would be, I might set up a camera. It would be paranormal activity, except it's just a lady losing her mind, occasionally hitting me. And then me reacting. She just yanks the covers off too, cause she gets mad that I'm mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause she's waking up to somebody yelling at them. So she's waking, she's also waking up to me being like, go to sleep now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just locked in eighth grade forever. Yeah. It's when puberty hits, they get locked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got out the game. Yeah, bro. Yeah. Fucking got out of it. You guys ever do any cool illegal things? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I saw it last night. Somebody was making fun of people that died not getting vaccinated and the whole crowd laughed and clapped. Really? They didn't laugh, they clapped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should go to the suburbs first. When you grew up in the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Anytime you shift into a compound. I grew up on a compound, dude. After like one or two generations, it's, you're talking weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how it's, I said after a couple generations, first generation was compound, next generation will be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I think I've said it on here. You know, he kept a bunch of his kids as slaves. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He emancipated a few. He emancipated like two and kept like nine. Dad's favorites dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know what's in the man's heart. Who knows? I know if I have kids, I'd like to keep them as slaves. You think you would fucking? Certainly. What? I tell you, you're gonna work. Yea, I had to do a lot. I had a lot of jobs I had to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know the exact details. That sounds right though. Yeah. But they were both asleep when.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've talked about this, I think, a long time ago. It's one of my most shameful, dumb moments. You ever like, hear something and then you just keep it in your brain that's just so fucking dumb?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And until you repeat it, you don't even think about it. So yea, I was in college and we were talking about 9-11. It was right when Lewis Change came out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My uncle worked at the towers and dudes were getting taken off the helicopters off the roof, like right before it happened. And they were like, that's just not, I said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. He's not an uncle. He's a family friend, but he's basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I, I remember that was one of those times I said something like that and somebody was just like, no. What you're saying is dumb. And I was like, cause then I remember setting it up being like, yo, you want to hear some fucked up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I am at Zany's in Nashville this weekend, the 12th, 13th, and 14th, then 19th, 20th, 21st, I'll be at Stress Factory in New Jersey. That's where I'm at the next two weeks. Come to that. I think I've been there enough. I think I might just bring friends and do almost like a showcase. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get the guard dog some time. Maybe a pretty lady will give you a smooch on your penis if there's a stress


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Watch my content? Who knows? Dude, he's about to jump the table on you. I wish he would. I'd suck him off right here. Alright, that should do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I hated about having dreads. Like all the feminine shit that I had to do with my hair. Like all the time. Like there's no manly way to put hair behind your ear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's paranoia inducing too, like constantly having something in your peripheral. True. Like your hair, like every now and again a movement will just like pop your hair. What the fuck is over there? It's your fucking hair. Yeah, I don't like dealing with that all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but those, those fucking in the bed pictures like holding the camera up at, when a guy takes a picture like that, I guarantee you when he comes he arches his back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might, now that I have a haircut, I'm gonna throw her off. Yeah. Did you ever, like, you ever think about, like, thinking about coming different, like? Oh, dude, all the time. I always change it up. Oh, you mix it up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, yes. Talking doesn't work. It always ends up like a giggle fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if I have, if I'm like, if I'm thinking about any other chick when I'm coming, it just makes me feel sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree, I totally, that makes sense, like someone traded her for a pig, because by the point, at one point dudes are just gonna run out of money trying to get that pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I know what you do, you, you, you, you befriend him and start inviting him to help you do shit around the house, like heavy, heavy load.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, you know, in theory, the kind of stuff that he'd be doing, like my kids would have been seen, been doing growing up. And when he quits, they're gonna be like, oh, what a pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you don't want to build something that they have to work on and change.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like the more, the more horrible shit that you find him doing, like the more he changed for her eventually when she figures out how to make him stop being that person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just like, I'm gonna have kids one day. This is gonna come back to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any girl that grows her hair past the middle of her back is doing it for erotic reasons.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the girl, and I remember the girl in elementary school that would like hump the corner of the desk, had hair that went below her butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you get a haircut in the black, it's the next day your haircut is like the best of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you need one, like a good one or two days to let it settle. Yeah, true. What do you do in the meantime?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so when you brush your hair forward as a black guy, you get to find out whether or not you're a true G or not. So if your hair waves naturally, you're a true G. If you have to wear a wave cap,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the whole process. You gotta have, you gotta use a thick grease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? You put the thick grease on your hair, you brush it forward, you put the wave, the durag on our wave cap, right? And then you just like, the longer you have it compressed under the wave cap,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The better, the deeper your waves have the potential to be. Damn. Right? So that's why you see people with wave caps on like durags on all the time. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're fucking up my hair, you're fucking gay dude, get off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty- It's just like the idea of it just sounds eugh, you ripping off another man's durag, like eugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I mean, if I get a little, if I, when I get a little haircut, as soon as the barber- If I get a little bit divorced? Like, takes it, like takes it low, I already have waves. Dang. Yea, it's pretty sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty tight. Yeah. Man. I don't even brush, I don't even fucking brush my hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you walk into a room and everybody's just like what the fuck just walked into the room. Yeaah. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The talents people will turn on you quick. When you're, when you're a tall guy. Like they'll love you right away, but they'll turn on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I was raised by a single black mom, if I notice somebody staring at me, I just start dancing harder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, uh, pro tip, instead of saying, you good, say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well yea, I mean, it's the same thing, but it's also like, dude, we good, we're good, right? We're good, right? Like, we don't have to make this a thing, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That way, they know that like, if this turns to chaos...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're going to be doing it together, right? If you say, if you say you good, it's like, hey, you're not going to do anything to me, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta say, we good. Cause it's like, yo, we're going to be doing this shit to each other right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is this? Cause we also have like in black culture we do look at chicks butts unabashedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like staring ain't declaring. You know what I mean? You're just looking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know? It's like, it's almost, it's almost more disrespectful if you walk through that casino and black dude didn't look at Brittany's head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I always like to, if I'm passing a hot chick with her guy, I like to make eye contact with the guy like, dog, good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's always been my Achilles heel. Like that's the reason people have always wanted to fuck me up because somebody would like just be trying to like maybe give back to the community by saying something he thinks sounds smart. And I'm like, you don't know what half those words mean. Like I'm in there immediately.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of shit out there, uh, people talking about seeing him eat over the years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he claims like he doesn't need food, but every now and again he will eat something for the mouth pleasure of it. And he was saying too to bond with his son.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I heard, so there was a, one of his assistants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got multiple assistants? Yea, yea, yea. One of his assistants would go to 7-Eleven and stock up on like full bags of food for him. To like crush. From 7-Eleven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he is full of shit. I mean, if, if, if, if the rumors are true again, this is black conspiracy theory. Damn dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] By the way, my mom, uh, my sister brings cotton candy machines to parties. Oh, really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's alright, but like, when she brings the cotton candy machine, she thinks he owns the place now. She starts doing dumb shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I refuse to ever spend money for the enjoyment of my kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before you even, before you condemn this, condemn this lady, it is so difficult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was literally thinking about this when I parked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How funny it is because like, like minorities always fuck with white people. Like all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Non-stop, right? But like you can't, like as soon as white people fuck with black people, it's like racist immediately. It's the worst possible thing. And it's just funny to me the idea of like some white guy being like, well we can't fuck with him? We can't just mess with him a little bit? True. But it's also like he's kinda got a point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, you just can't go the same way. Like you can, for example, you can make fun of all of the racial tropes of a white person, like all the negative ones like, oh you can't dance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, why do black people smell weird? To a black, like, you just can't do the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Candace Owens. I love when she's, you know, like the little clips you see of her like crushing somebody. Owning the libs. Right? But like that show, her own show is like unbearable. I can't get through it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody's walking around with a fucking dossier of their paperwork in Australia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause I'm pretty sure Aborigines don't fuck with paperwork that heavy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, they got a bad reputation, but they are cuddly dogs. They're sweethearts, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking about that stat today and I think it's erroneous the way that it's said because when you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The human one that you're joking about. Cause the way that we talk about these stats goes against the way, it goes against logic, right? So if you say, like when you compare the stats, like black people get shot this much, white people get shot this much, see this is racist because black people get shot proportionally more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well you can't really make that comparison because people aren't being shot because of the color of their skin. It's like so are white people being shot because they're white? No? Well then the comparison doesn't matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you understand what I'm saying? So it's like, to say 13% of the population is responsible for, uh, 50% of the murders, which is the statistic, I believe. Dude, it's way more insane than that. Because it's only the percentage of people that are killing people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it would only make sense to use the whole population if the people that are committing the murders are doing it because they're black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's because they're young men. You know, it's like more because they're young men than it's because they're black.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I mean? It's because they're like, they're, they're angry, they're fucking, nobody, they didn't have the proper guidance for their anger through their teenage years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, come think of it. You don't really see a lot of, uh, interspecies coupling with the cartoon hippos. That's a bird that hangs in their mouth and picks their teeth. That's a symbiotic relationship. That's a homie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, like, any time hippos are coupled up in a cartoon, it's always with another hippo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I was thinking of one immediately, it was like, Goofy wasn't with another dog, was he?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, why, wait, you just said that as if that made total sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, check out Two Jack Bros. Uh, we just started having guests, Matt, Matt the Shaman, Matt McCusker was our first guest. No longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you were stricken down. We need to address this. First things first dude. Cause there were a lot of thoughts and prayers headed your way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You felt the peace for sure. I mean, they're pretty similar. Now, you, you've had some theories going, this was your first bout with the Vint. Yes, hopefully my last. Hopefully your final, cause it is not a laughing matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm cutting you off. This is your ordeal, but I have a lot of questions. Yeah. Cause you, I don't mean to put you on the spot. No, go ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you have a lot of, you have a lot of medical theories of your own. Did you put any into practice? Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so what happened was- I sent several Our Fathers for you and one Hail Mary. Did you really? I think the Hail Mary is probably- The Hail Mary carried me through. Because the Hail Mary is what you pray in times of desperation. Oh yea, that's the Hail Mary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just for the listener, so for the listener, if you do feel like you have COVID or early onsets, maybe a hot bath doesn't help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if I get that one, I'm in trouble, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now what you should do is what I do, which is take vitamin, I take supplements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Matt, listen to me. You mean my Omega 3's, bro? Matt, listen to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I mean salad was in the feces. Somehow it gets out. What? It goes straight through. What the fuck? It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You better not still be shedding, dude. If I get that, I'm dead. No, actually, no, true. My, my regimen's too strict. You'll crush, you'll crush. I'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As soon as the Democrats are responsible for the economy, they're like, actually, you don't have to stay in bed for 10 days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turns out we're gonna need, we actually need to work it turns out. Yeaah. They can't just sit around all day like lazy bums. Yea dude. Who does that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe brother needs some love. Toughest guy in the world, bro. He's tough as hell. He's tough as hell. He was out. I know. He's a long hauler too, dude. He's still coughing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Homeward Bound's great. Did you get a little teary when Shadow went down with that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Gardein, look at the cat. Gardein, we're gonna need to know cat from home or back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, somebody was out there listening to this, screaming the answer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I cried, I cried on a plane. I cried, you and me just cried right now. I looked over to watch to see you cry and you were going like this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't be cried out. 42 and 1 dude, Buster Douglas. The 30 for 30, if you have soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I put that on, I went to my girlfriend's house for Christmas and we were all drinking and I was like, you guys gotta watch this, you're gonna like this. I made her family watch 4201 and then I cried. And then I cried so hard. I cried in the beginning of it, I cried the whole documentary. Really? The whole time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anytime they're like, he's a chomp, he's a quitter, I'm like, no he's not, he's got the heart of a champ.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, dude, there's a part when Buster calls his dad before the big fight and his dad just goes, let them hands go and see what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the documentary. I am such a dumbass dude. What? You told me you were like, I'm just staying up watching smashing machine. I was like, that shit rules. I thought you were literally talking about YouTube videos of the machine that smashes things. And I was like, damn, that's sick. You're just staying up watching this shit smash things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, truthfully, that kind of is what it's all about. It is, dude. It is. Getting, sitting down and rewarding yourself with Captain Crunch. Oh my god, dude. I treat myself quite a bit. You have to, bro. I reward, I'm on a high reward system. That's champion stuff, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like watching uh, Iceman, Chuck Liddell. They tossed him in the ring with Rampage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, Chuck's just an old tough guy. It's like, rampages.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He murdered him. Yeah. Just a stronger, blacker, tough guy. This is gonna be bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's gonna wail on this. He though, like, Chuck Liddell was, don't get me, obviously Chuck Liddell was tough. Yeah. But like, he was like, what white guys thought was tough in like the early 2000s. He had a goatee. Yeah, he had a goatee. And it was like, a mohawk, like, ehhh. He ran into one jacked black dude that would howl. And that's terrifying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I like the European guys. Dude, this guy was- The Russians and the Eastern Europeans. He was nasty as fuck, dude. Just barrel chested. Was he Czech?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of the teams. And they were probably doing some real team stuff. Oh yea. Eastern European Special Forces. Jesus Christ. They were probably committing some serious atrocities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you did. Not a physical fight. But let me tell you something, guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the few that I encountered. So I get, dude, we go in, I get seated. Alright, I get seated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's important to remember. I was seated by a hostess. My woman and I were seated, we were seated around the building outside. We're the only ones within, there's no tables. No one's even outside. So we're sitting out there for like 10 minutes. It was like, all right, obviously they forgot us. So my lady gets up and goes and asks a bus boy and she's like, Hey, can you send a, can a waiter come help us out? This dude comes over and he goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we did. What are you talking about? And my girlfriend goes, a guy with a blue shirt sat us here. He goes, no one's wearing a blue shirt that works here. What? And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would we be making this up? What the fuck are you talking about? There's nobody there. No one's there. And then I showed, I was like, all right, well here's the menu I had to scan at the front desk. How would I have this? He goes, you could get that anywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck is it? And then we got up to leave, and I was like, actually dude, come with, let's go to the front desk.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I walk up and there were two women now at the hostess station and the one didn't seat me. So he's like, did you seat them? She's like, I've never seen this man in my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and then the, yeah, they were so mad. And then the one chick that checked us in kept her head down, kept typing. And I was like, that's, she was the one who checked us in. She wouldn't look up. What color shirt? She, no, the guy who walked us there had a blue shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, this is, I was like, just so you guys know, this is fucking insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm leaving, but why would I ever make this up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was- They apologized? No, they didn't apologize. The waiter put his head down and wouldn't look up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? He buried his face in his hands while I was talking to him. It was fucking crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, what the fuck was that? So I went into Starbucks, of course there's a 40 person line. And I'm like, I'm not gonna do that, so I left.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go back in about 10 minutes later after walking around. The line's smaller, but there's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Portly fellow, behind the cash register. I'm not gonna assume his sexuality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he seemed a little light in the loafers. Yea, for sure. Alright. He won't stop talking to every single customer. Five minutes at a clip, dude. So I leave. I can't take it. Yea. I leave, and I'm like, dude, what the fuck's wrong with me? Get the coffee, stand in line. So I walked back in. This is the third time I've walked in and out of this Starbucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go back into the Starbucks and while I'm waiting in line I hear him say to a customer, we're actually out of coffee right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I went and got a nice ramen dude. And they did it right. They were very polite. That's cool. But I had to walk the whole way to a, uh, I went to a bookstore. I went to Borders. I knew they'd have a Starbucks in there. Got in there. Got my Starbucks. But dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. Hearing a man go, we're actually out of coffee right now. I lost it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you work at fucking Starbucks, dude. Yeah, how's that possible? Have coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was talking to me, he was like, we're actually out of quarters right now, so if you pay cash, you're gonna get a lot of dimes. Is that alright with you, if you get a lot of dimes? And I was just like, I'm out, I have to leave, I have to go outside. My girlfriend was like, are you okay? She was like, are you doing alright? And I was like, I'm fine, I'm doing well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but this wasn't even like a first responders. This wasn't like a fish town hipster waiter that was like actually, yeah, this was just a dude. This was a normal dude. It's crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lightskin brother, too. You didn't expect that. You expected white dork, didn't you? That's white dork behavior, bro. No, it was Lightskin brother.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? He had a bit of a white, he had white dork behavior. Yeaah. He was like, actually you did not check in. I was like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you know the face I made too, when he was like, you didn't just like... Immediately I was like, what the fuck dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just taking a dressing down and this guy just had his hands in his.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a face in his hands. And while I was like, dude, what are you doing? I was, I couldn't believe what was happening. Dude, I was like, man, could you look up and tell him you checked me in? She just kept typing. What the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who spazzes hard on that? Is women that were waitresses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That don't like bad service. Oh yea, yea, yea. My lady was fuming. Oh she was? She served? She was like a bartender. She served? Yea. She was in the industry. Oh she served. I honor her. You served in the industry. I say thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, this is fucking insane. I would net like. Damn. She's a bartender? Yeah. That's pretty sick. She bartended. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that about her. Really? I think it's a terrible quality in her. The fact that she bartended. Yeah, I remind her. I say, what are you, a fucking slut? Why would you do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate imagining men leering at my woman. Fuck dude, I hate it. If somebody leers at my woman, I'm fucking pissed. Yeah, so that was, that was my, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Cheesecake Factory fucked my ass so hard that even thinking about it I get angry. Where was the manager?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get in there. I gotta fix it from the inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did not like Irvine. The Guna Beach? Newport Beach? See, I didn't go anyway. I went to that fucking shopping complex and back to my hotel the whole time. The Spectrum? The Spectrum, yea. And it is beautiful. It's from the future. It looks like it's from the future. It's cool. It's crazy. Yea, it is. The whole area is just, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] corporate headquarters. It looks like a screen saver. It's like green hills. The skies, it's beautiful. And I didn't like it. The sky in LA bothers me. There's never a fucking cloud. It's always that blue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I did, I'll tell you this though, when it comes to comedy crowds, they are conservative, but they're not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These guys, like if you're like, hey, you guys like Trump, they'll be like, fuck yeah. If you do it in Irvine, they're like, yes. We are Republicans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you say something they're like, that's not appropriate for you to be talking about sex.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They stonewalled, well, it was also New Years, so on New Years you get the dumbest fucking crowds on earth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Thursday and Friday kinda sucked, but Saturday and Sunday ruled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I'm not comfortable with stuff like that. I was ticked off about that. I had to go back on stage and be like alright everybody, have a good new year 10. I had to do the countdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some Pitbull energy, dude. I gave him quite the pit, I mean, we spent the last minute talking about Epstein's Island. Sick. Me and Jamar and Brian Moses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That starts like a hopper and dude, you can watch people like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice work, idiots. Nice job, dumbasses. You were here for New Year's, listening to me talk about come and down syndrome. God, that's so fucking funny. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do love flying to the west coast and getting on a human's sleeping schedule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That makes me feel good. I love that. Although it does hurt you on the late show. When you're doing a 10pm show and by the time you get on stage it's like the equivalent of 2am. Yeaah, those west coast late shows are tough. Especially on Thursday. Guys, let me tell you about my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one of those I was so mad, I was like, you know how you, when you get frustrated and want to cry? Yes. I was that frustrated. And I'm rarely like cry for, the only time I cry is when Buster Douglas. True. Buster Douglas, I usually cried Moneyball, stuff, sports movies that make me happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, but this was stuck on tarmac for three hours after flying from New York to LA. And then finding out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to, I wanted to be like, shut the fuck up. I'm fucking Irvine. I was sitting on a fucking tarmac, but I did get to watch Iron Legend.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's tight. I watched I Am Legend and I watched City of God. That's two great movies. Yea, I was pumped. That's too good. Yea. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't have gotten, I wouldn't have even gotten to Mordor. I would have gotten the ring and be like, well why can't I have it? Somebody's gotta have this. I should be the one with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice though. Yea it was great. It's really nice you can do that. Yea. Like have those types of, I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I was a young man, I liked it. When I was young, I was able to like, be gay. Yeaah. And get into stuff and have fun. Really? Now I'm just a fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dork. You can't get, you can't get into the room. I'm the fucking dorkest dude. I sit there and I'm like fucking Elijah Wood looks like a dumbass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking... To be fair... Samwise is a fucking retard. That's how I spend every movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some people I like in that. I used to like Legolas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pippin might be the lamest fucking character. Pippin's the one fucking- Full of two. He's, yea, he's- He is a dumb dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He causes trouble in the fucking tomb when he knocks over like a well bucket and all the orcs come. He's a dickhead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Constantly fucking, they should have cut his head off. They should have sent him to hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if that's what's happening to Biden right now? Somebody's whispering, Fauci's whispering poison into his ear. For sure dude. And then once you dispatch Fauci.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one, I've never, yeaah, we went to, we went to Barstool today and you should have seen. Oh my god dude. He wanted to walk around the office to see all the beautiful women that work there. Yup. And then he was eating cake, he got birthday cake. Yup. You go in there and eat cake.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's good, your body's not destroyed yet. You're still young. My body. So, green touches my intestines. Chlorophyll. Spews them out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That show is so crazy. It is funny to, I know we, it's a comment like everybody, everybody's like, oh I'm autistic, I'm funny. Everybody's saying that now. It's kinda like the new I'm depressed. Remember when I'm depressed was in style? Now everyone thinks they're autistic. It was fun to see you actually be autistic today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was less autistic today. You came out of it, but you were hitting them like a, I know you, but you'd be hitting them with like statements that would, they were, everyone in the room was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna answer the internet is great. That was fun. You getting hit with sports questions? Oh dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Polar bear a great white and you and me were both like a great white, but then they just talked for bears. They talked about bears for like five minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You boys love bears. You wanna talk bears. And I get it. I like bears. I side with the grizzly versus the silverback gorilla. And a lot of people disagree with me. I like a big grizzly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is a tough one. That's way harder than polar bear shark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not as fast as a shark. Obviously not as fast as a shark. That's what I'm saying. They didn't talk about the width of the pool. That's what they didn't include.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nowhere for the polar bear to move out of the way really. He's getting, he's getting bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since I was a young boy, I've had a great affinity for great white sharks. Same, bro. I'm never gonna sit here and side against them in a fight. Shark week, dude? Shark week was so sick, dude. Fuck. That's always, that's the best about having nephews and shit, seeing them get into stuff. Like going through phases, like truck phase, space phase, shark phase is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That might be a good pick up line at the bar for the sweet ladies. Oh, definitely. My name's Shane, S-H-A-N-E. You wanna play with me? Definitely dude. Hey babe, you wanna play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gentleman callers having parlors, we have a discussion in the parlor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what the Sun King had going up Versailles. Really? Did you know that? No. He built Versailles to make all of the lords live with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they all butt-dogged out to see who could be his favorite. What? They lived together and were butt-dogged as hard as they could. To be like, I got to watch him put his shoes on today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I uh, in other news, there's a new movie coming out and it's cool. It's called the 355. It comes out this week. I can't wait to see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a super spy group of hot international women. Whaaat? They all look like they weigh about 90 pounds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they are kick ass. And they're from other countries and the Chinese lady is helping American lady. So I don't know who the fuck they're fighting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's cool is it's called the 355 because something about like George Washington had his female spy network. We're their descendants. It's like, do you understand that in the revolutionary war?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Female spies would have been dirty whores. True. And hookers that slept with British guys. Honeypots bro. Which that's what should, that's what the movie should be. Instead of women like we're kicking ass. It should be like we're gonna go fuck like the most famous world leaders and uh, we're gonna take advantage of that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know the bad guys in every movie that's like, you're just a woman, what are you gonna do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I saw this weekend? I went and saw a movie after my debacle at Starbucks and Cheesecake Factory. I went and sat down and saw The Kingsman. I like it. Was it good? I usually don't like corny action flicks. I like this one. It was pretty neat. I think you'd get a big kick out of it. I probably would. You would like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we're both aristocrats now that you're mentioning it. I'm more of a fat cat. You're just a gentleman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna be a sly fat cat, dude. Really? Yeah, I might be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pissed mine. Speaking of public urination, I saw...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Andrew Santino posted a video of our buddy Chris O'Connor pissing into a fountain. What the heck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was pissed. Where was this? I responded to it. I said, this is crap, dude. That's crazy. Yea, that's bullshit. That's a crime, bro. That is a crime.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Disgusting. What do you think? Do you think gardenies could be, uh, a gentleman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did have fun. I mean it was great. I just drank and watched football. Pretty tight. And the mom cooked excellent meals. It was a nice time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won big on some big bets. Oh yeaah, I forgot. Bit of a better now. Bit of a big gambler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, it's one of my vices, don't let it get out amongst our social circle. If they found out I was a gambler.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He enjoys a bit of sport. I was winning on parlays. You like parlays. After watching POCs, they call parlay a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you think you should apologize for how, how nonchalant and cavalier you were about COVID? Nah dude. You don't think you should make a public apology to the camera? No I should not. And say, listen folks, you might think it's fun to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Trump, I'm Mr. Fucking Cool. But when it comes to this disease, it's no laughing matter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had something, I had something that when I was coming in and out of that Starbucks after the Cheesecake Factory, I had an intense tightness to my chest. Did you really? And I had it from before from the tarmac. Damn. I'm sitting there, I had an intense, like I think, something's bad. It's stress dude. Something's coming. Stress will kill you bro. Intense chest tightness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll be getting a fucking letter from me or something. I'm not gonna let this go. I was thinking about after a show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being like, hey everybody, after party's at Cheesecake Factory. Everybody head over there. You don't have to check in, just sit down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could have done it and I would have said it would have only been the dogs. It would have only been the wildest bros that were probably already blacked out and screaming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sending them, sending the dogs into the cheese cake factory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, oh, this was making me chuckle quite a bit. I was watching CNN's New Years. Do you get to watch it at all? No. Do yourself a kindness. I'll check it out. You're gonna like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they doing? It's all the anchors, they really let their hair down. They do it, that's like the thing they do is Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon get fucking hammered.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uh, Don Lemon. He rubbed his balls and rubbed his hand in the guy's face and said, allegedly, allegedly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If mom says something, say mom, I know you've thought about it, it's suck and snatch.