[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have the end of it, but two guys get drafted. They're like horse thieves. They're idiots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just with some gratuitous violence. That's not bad. Like in normal dudes. Asheville, North Carolina. Have you all ever been there before? No. It's a pretty awesome town, but they have all these like hot springs and stuff around there and that, you know, during the civil war,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would send soldiers who were injured there to like just chill and recuperate. And I was like, you've never seen a Civil War movie just about dudes that are just like fucking chilling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would they? Yeah, it's almost like they wouldn't. Yeah. Yeah, I guess they did that. They would like just heat up. Yeah, I guess. Put fire under a fucking copper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am. I grew up in Virginia, then went to college in North Carolina, then lived in LA for almost 20 years and then moved here, I guess around 2017. Sick. And I've been here ever since.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah. It's kind of hard to miss it. Yeaah. Walton Goggins and I, when we were, when he was here for Vice Principals, we were in a restaurant and he was wearing like a fucking hat and an old man was like, how dare you! Take it off! And we were like, what's he talking about? He's like, take your head off! And then I just started laughing, just like, yeaah, you rude motherfucker, take your head off!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was wearing this hat when we were, for real, I went into that restaurant and I was like, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, uh, I went to school in North Carolina, I went to college, and, uh, I went to Elon. Oh, I know, Elon, uh, in, uh, in what, Burlington? Yeaah, yeaah, yeaah. I used to take the lighthouse, I used to take road trips over there with Elon, yeaah. We went to Winst, we were in school in Winston-Salem, so not too far away. Oh, nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sneezed in the cafeteria and this old southern black janitor came over and was like, disgusting. It's like you get up from the table to sneeze.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know the older I get though, I kind of do like, I like the rules. I like that there, that people are like, I think it's, I mean, I do find it kind of funny, but I like it. I'm like, I like like acting with my son that like, this is how it's always been like, you know, you always say, sir, to me, that's how it always is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you were in school in North Kalkalacki, huh? And then, uh, you, you, any, any experience in the South?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Philadelphia, that's where my mom is from. Really? Yeah. Sweet. She grew up in Bucks County.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, we, let's see, we ended up, when I was a kid, my parents, like I went to school in Georgia, that's where my parents met. And then my dad was a guard in a prison in Lompoc, California. We like lived on the prison reservation when I was really young. That's where you met your mom? Yea, in prison. She was serving time in a men's penitentiary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and he, uh, we, we lived out there and then he got transferred to DC for like the federal bureau of prison. So like that was like when I was maybe like in first or second grade. So we moved to Virginia then and then just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My uncle was a warden and he talks like an old black dude from the eighties. He just knows what's up. Cause he's just always around those dudes growing up. So he's like, what's up homes? You're like, dude, that's still using the vernacular. He was just like ghetto boys. He's like 70.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the prison that's there in Lompoc, there's like a neighborhood that's like right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were just laughing. This isn't the funniest story, but me and Blizz were laughing about this dude in prison. He got uh, well this is not a funny story. He got beat to death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Perfect. Yeah, but just beating the hell out of somebody and being like, get the fucking peanut butter, dude. It's a gross move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a real mean job. It's not nice. It's not how I would go if I was gonna kill someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you ever see that movie in the, what was it in the 80s, that Innocent Man, that Tom Selleck movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where, there was like a little spat there of these movies where like, like regular guys get locked up in prison and then they have to fucking like go and, you know. Like shot-caller, do you see that one? Everybody knows, yea, everybody knows the rules dude. It's like not somebody who like starts pushing you around and then you gotta fucking shiv em and then everyone respects you after that and yea. Yea, this probably didn't help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my high school, when the high school went to, there was no, uh, stall doors. We had kids smoking in there, and you're like, you just held that shit. Like, there's no way that you would be stuck, sitting in there taking a dump, and someone just like comes in and you're just sitting there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Ours was, ours was mirror level without the door, so we would, we would shit together. And we'd all look at each other and talk. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it resulted in our buddy, my friend, he would just come up with a new way to shit every day, like a funny way to shit. And then we would all go watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The doors off of the bathroom on further review does kinda seem like it probably was just some pedophiles idea. Yeaah. This is the only way to stop smoking. I'm gonna inspect these kids.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then that never happened, you never had to shower. It was too, it was too, uh, there wasn't enough time in the day. Yea, there was never time. You couldn't finish gym class, fucking take a shower, dry off, get dressed again. These motherfuckers can't sweat their shoes in between classes, you know? You'd be sweaty and wet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's like every one of his little buddies that run around, like they all have phones, like every one of them, they're running around with phones, they hang out and they're so, you know, they're like talking to girls and stuff, but you're still just like, my son doesn't have a phone. I haven't given him one yet because I'm just like, he'll, I'll never get him back once I do. So we, we wanted to keep track of them though. See,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As opposed to LA, my kid can like leave the house and like, you know, do shit here. And so we need to find a way where we can still keep track of them. So we made him get an Apple watch and he like hates it. I think it's like the nerdiest shit to his friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've like lied to my kids. I said that there's like an app for parents that like, that I can access whenever and I can see what they're doing in school. I can like see what they're saying to their friends. Like they really believe that I have access to this thing that like lets me, like I'm God. I can look at anything that they've done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, when you're a little kid that gets to you. It really does. He saw me fucking whack off with shampoo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I gave up whacking off for Lent once.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will admit there was something to that. Yea dude. Dude, I just have to. This is so crazy. Pilgrim's journey dude. It is. There's something sexual about being like, I'm breaking a deal right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No sex talk in my house. No sex talk. Fuck no. No sex talk. Yeah me either. Like I mean I, even when you would see on sitcoms that people were getting the birds and the bees speech. Fuck no. I to this day don't know what the fucking birds and the bees speech is. I have no clue what that speech is. Can you imagine? I never got it. Your parents giving you that? How fucking uncomfortable. My mom tried.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is nice, I think that is nice that you had an open, like everybody, you were with three brothers, everyone was fucking whacking off. I had two older sisters. God damn. So everybody, I had two younger sisters. Everybody knew I was whacking off. And we're just like, let him go. Don't go up there. Let that preacher finish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know how fucking dis- like, just picking that up and being like, my son. Oh dude. My loser sons. What's he thinking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't watch the podcast? I know. My mom watches every fucking episode. Do your parents tune in? Well, yeah, I don't talk to her, so. This is the only time she gets. This is how she gets to know what you're up to. I knew you were masturbating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pure NSA, just like, we're watching, we know what you're doing. You think you're slick?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah Mike, I was at my cousin's wedding and she got married and I was fucked up and I was like, you look beautiful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this was like back in the day, it would be totally acceptable, but fucking, since like the eighties, this would have been acceptable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think I would, my reaction wouldn't be like, that's so hot though, like I would get annoyed even when like the fucking dog would have his pink thing out, you know, like when the dogs get fucking horny and the lipstick comes out, I'm mad at the dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why they need to make sure that dogs didn't have big dicks because then they wouldn't, people wouldn't want to have them in their houses all the time. True. You know, they'd be just seeing that all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they need the little worm dick that disappears and comes out every now and then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sucked at it. My parents would make me do it, but I just didn't have any interest in it at all. But I would just be a defender and sit back there picking my ass. And one day the coach and his son got into this argument in this fight in the middle of the game. We were getting our ass kicked by this team and the coach's son basically just like walked off. He was the goalie. And so then the coach is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All the pressures on you. And you're never gonna save it. No. It's impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think some of them might like it. Yeah. I think they do. I've witnessed it. I've seen that like, you know, sometimes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After you've been to a few games and you know that there's a guy on your team that does that, that like when things start going bad for your team, you're kind of like, when's he going to start yelling at you? When's he going to get in here and protect us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, spazzing on an amp is nice. As a dad, getting drunk and going to a kid's game would be fucking nice. Yeah. Yeah, you can do it all the time. But these games sometimes are late. I mean, my son's in elementary school and like we'll have baseball games that literally start at 730 at night. Really? Awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yeaah. So when's uh, when's Gemstones 3 coming out dude? Gemstones 3, it's coming out soon. When's season 3? June.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 16th or something like that. Hell yea. Very soon. A month from now. How do you feel about it? You excited? I am. I'm ready for it to come out. I'm ready for people to see it. I think it's good. I think it's the best one we've done yet. Hell yea. It's fun. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it's like, they didn't say that about this, but you get emails from the Writers Guild sort of telling you. Oh, okay. Oh, cause of the strike. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it's kind of odd, isn't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When, when we shut, we shut gemstones down for when COVID came.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, and it's that thing where like once it starts, you just want it to be over as quick as you can. So if you do scab, you're only sort of like prolonging it because you're allowing them to be able to operate and not feel the pain. So whether you agree with it or not, you, you know, once the, once the table is set, everybody's sitting down for a bite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure it depends on the project. No, I had a meeting with some agents and they were like, we shouldn't, we can't even have meetings. Damn. Those are my agents. Maybe they're lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now I'm in an airport five times. I'm in an airport every week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every week. Yeaah. So much so that you probably get annoyed when people aren't efficient going through security. Like you have your shit down. Uhm, dude, I, it happened today. Right when I got through the sliding door, a guy holding his bag just stopped directly in front of me. Right when I walk, as soon as I get through the sliding doors in the airport, I'm furious. I'm angry the entire, like the way people are walking and then just stop and turn. Like dude, I'm behind you. I go, excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say it into their face. You're just gonna stop in the middle of the airport? No, pardon me dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm good with that other than security and people stopping. Like, but when people stand up to get their bags right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they're made for wearing outside aren't they? Just like house slippers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe I'm a fool, but I'm not worried about the chat GPT shit. I've been saying it, brother. I really do. I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Overrated dude. Overrated. And I also feel like, look, the people who are going to benefit from chat GPT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They of course want the marketing to be, this is a game changer. Nothing's going to be the same. And you just look, you're just like, just like everyone was going to move to the metaverse. Just like every motherfucker was going to be watching 3D TVs in their house. It's like just how our fucking phones are supposed to be faster than they ever were. I still can't get fucking service in the middle of a major city. You're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't buy it. I just kinda, I mean it's pretty amazing that you can make it do something and it can spit out something fast, but I think if you're a writer, if you have a point of view,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not going to be able to, I mean, it can imitate that, but it can't create that. So I feel like if you're derivative, then yeah, you might.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might be in for trouble, but if you're making something that's like your point of view, I just, I don't know. I dare it. I challenge it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not anything I would ever make. It wouldn't make it out of the writers room. I mean, it's incredible that you can say that and it can do that, but I still feel like the point of view of the individual is hard to match.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It does it anyway. Like if you type in my name on Google, it'll be like Shane Gillis' girlfriend. It's just some gibberish. It's like he went to me, he's from Mechanicsburg. It's just my Wikipedia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, Adam Devine said that for a while when he, when you would type in like Adam Devine into uh, like into Google search. Adam Devine gay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's kinda funny. Yeah, he was like bummed by it, but uh, but then I think he's embraced it. He's fine with it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's on your docket now that you're in Chucktown? What are you guys doing here? You're just going to enjoy the city. We're going to hang out in the holy city. Yeah. And then tomorrow we got that show. It's kind of hard to hit a bad restaurant in this town. There's a few good ones. Yeah. You all are downtown? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's a good, uh, what's a good restaurant? What should we go to? Oh god, there's just so many, dude. Are you, what kind of, what are you guys into? Are you seafood, barbecue? What should we get here? I've never been here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love the, the seafood, the low country stuff here is pretty insane. The oysters, all that kind of stuff. I get barbecue a lot. Yeah, and yeah, and barbecue is good, but yeah, barbecue you can, you can kind of get in a lot of places.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah. The South Carolina oysters are pretty good. Hell yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cheese is one of the strains that agrees with the mind, body, and soul. Yes. There's certain strains that I find jarring. Like, you know, Oji Kush, to name one. But, for some reason, cheese, whatever, however this is made, my body's like, on all levels, like, yes. Come here, brothers, let us all in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh. You know? I, I started off as like a, I don't give a fuck what it's called guy, and then I slowly started getting, then I became a sommelier. Yeah. I became a sommelier.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourteen, fourtwenty, baby. Oh, dude. Yeah, I don't know. I, uh, now I just smoke weed because I have to every week. I have to smoke weed now once a week. I'm forced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying this is, I have to clock in, like I have to smoke weed every Thursday. There's times on Thursdays, I go like, I'd rather not today. I say, well I'm obligated to the people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no. He pouts his lunch pail and fuckin' does his work. There's times, there's times where I'm like, I don't feel like smoking weed today. And then I just go, I have to. It's my duty. I'm, I'm duty bound. You're duty bound. I smoke weed like a fuckin' samurai now, dude. It's just, I'm like, I must, I must do this. To honor your family, your family. Just literally, that's it. That's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Did Frazier have like a hot sitcom wife? Nah, he was, uh, he was fucking a bunch of hot chicks. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is that the Kelsey Grammer show? Kelsey Grammer, that's the story. For a second, I was picturing George Frazier playing Frazier and I was trying to imagine the show. Wait, who's George Frazier? Uh, Tarzan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was. The amount of lives you were ruining at the time, or like severely bothering, when people were like, coming into the house like, what the fucker, what's the matter, it's like, fucking Sydney.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're like so net negative on the vibe right now, it's fucking nuts, dude. Be aware of the man holding water bottles. I feel like I can't shut up about it. It's insane. No, it's literally, it's his genuine problem. Yeah. I think we lost David J. Are you, are you, are you tracking your carbon dick print right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the thing, only the thing I, I mean it was a terrible thing to do from a, like a perspective of property damage. But the most down I can look back on, my friend, my friend had something like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really shitty happened in his family where he figured out like somebody was cheating, like one of his parents were cheating and he identified the cheater. He's like, do you want to go smash his house? We're in high school. And I was like, yeah, let's go smash his house. And we went and we fucking smashed his house. I was down. He was like, do you want to go break all this guy's windows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Doing absolutely nothing. Someone runs a horrible scenario and you're like, yeah, why not? I'm down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In my head we were doing the absolute right thing. I was like dude, dude it would be an honor to go set the record straight right here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you sure? On purpose? I almost set a fire one time. I used to do, uhm, I used to take brute deodorant and like rub it in the carpet and make a track and light it on fire real quick and it would go across the carpet. I was doing this in a rented beach house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll say this, now that you've told your clear superpower, I don't want to brag, but you guys should know I was on rollerblades at six years old. Damn. I rollerbladed at six years old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of my proudest moments, dude, was I was my old house in Havertown, rollerblading at six years old, and one of the older kids was like, damn, that kid's young as hell, and I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Up in front of my street, just fucking like, yeaah, is what it is dude. Yeaah. Is David James dead?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I wanted to do. When you're bugging out on Weed, usually it's, it's, I did something wrong. David, can you just communicate through text to us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. We might have just made contact. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to, there's no other way. Yeaah. When you're fighting an interior battle, it's the opposite of an exterior battle. The way to win interiorly, or inside is to surrender. Let go. Always surrender. Surrender. Yeaah. You must. That is what Wii teaches you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a long plan. It can create serious anxiety. You have to learn to be like, nah dude, this is just my life force, which I'm saying is anxiety, but in reality, this is just my fucking vital life force.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude, so I didn't talk to you about smoking my Changa. You never got to the Changa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this will, this will definitely put things into perspective. It's gonna become a vessel while you, while you describe this. Dude, I, I was in the bathtub on Chang'e, dude. I got fucking wrecked, so I had it the first time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I smoked a Changa. I told you, misfire. I'm just like, laying there like, men are sucked, my body's hot. Fucking, this is, this is not what I signed up for.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, dude. But I just sat there, got out of it, and was like, to Thomas Bud, like yeaah, I'm good on this, like oh dude that sucks, like dude that's not what it's supposed to be, do it again. And I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I am not doing that again right now. That was unpleasant on every single box I could possibly check. That was not fun on every single level. And they were like, no, you just, you did it wrong. You gotta smoke more. And I'm like, that doesn't make sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, it has, that's what like, potentiates ayahuasca. I know I did Jordan Peterson, it potentiates ayahuasca. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, that gives you like a weird feeling. Like, it's like a noticeable feeling. He's like, dude, you already got that thing in your system. If you just smoke a little more, you'll blast off of the, of the stuff that's twice as strong as that stuff that just gave you a very unpleasant experience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like sitting there like, fuck this, and finally he's loading it up, he's just, he's just like, he's loading it up, it's sitting there, and I'm just like, I was like, just pass me the bitch, dude. I'm definitely, I was like- You're down. I was down. I had to be. He kept being like, you don't have to do it, and I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, I have, in my head I was like, I can't not have this, I ca-, I today woke up thinking I was gonna have this experience. Yea. I have to have, I can't go to bed not having it, cause I was like, I don't know, if I don't do this now, that was such a turn off to it, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's definitely a subtraction of the equation. I almost rolled a boulder in front, like all the avenues are being down, I almost rolled a boulder in front of DMT, like, I'm not down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I'm sitting there and just go, fuck it, give it to me. I'm like, I'll do it. But the thing that I learned from that, with the Chang'e,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, everyone says with DMT you gotta do three hits. It's like, just get three hits, that's all you gotta think about. The chang of the thing is you gotta smoke it till you can't smoke it anymore. Which is a fucked up proposition. So you have to, you have to continue smoking this until, until reality shit. You gotta throw the fight. Dude, you gotta Indiana Jones out of a collapsing reality basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So like, that's what I did the second time. I was like, I'm not gonna get, I'm not gonna get another misfire. I'm gonna smoke this until I fucking can't. Like, till it's just, it's done. So I hit it one time, blow out, hit it a second time, blow out. And I was holding them this, I was like holding them this time, so you hold one, you feel like stuff gets kinda crunchy, second one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First one I barely noticed, second one I'm like alright it's kinda crunchy, third one I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The reality just collapsed and I jumped back onto the couch and was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] into the most horrific fucking scene. It was insane dude. I got absolutely just like, it was the scariest shit. It sent me back to a part of when I did the five gram mushroom thing. It's like a very specific part that I think I had just like blocked out of my mind. And I was, but it was like that, but just like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It wasn't like it was like a visualization. I was in...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But also I would say it is tough love, cause the thing that I got fucked on was like I remember a part of the 5 gram mushroom thing where I was like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been taking my day to day reality for granted so hard dude. It's like I love my day to day reality and I'm squandering it being a pussy on like different, just different levels I was being a pussy on. Therefore squandering my day to day reality. Cause I got thrown into like an absolutely unbearable aspect of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically a hallucination that like, I was like, dude, this is so fucking, cause it was. You got spiked. I got hit with a level, I got hit with a level, when I did the mushrooms, I got hit with a level of consciousness that was unbearable. It was torturous. I was like watching everything happen simultaneously and I was just like, this is too much, I don't like this at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was like, yea, all you gotta do is manage your dumb day to day bullshit fucking, you know, 13 bit reality, 16 bit reality, and I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I could probably be doing a better job of handling that little thing. So then, that was part of the mushroom thing that was like kinda cool, but I like kinda forgot about it. Yeah. The DMT sent me right back into that. But with a fucking creature being like, Remember what you said about, and I was like, ahhhhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I got like directly scolded and taunted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, uh, but then after I was, I'm in that, I'm just like, I'm sitting there and they heard me go, it was I, when I jumped on the couch, I went, oh no, it's that part from the five grams, and they, they both were like, what the fuck, and I just laid there like, uh, uh, uh, uh, fucking like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, and then I remembered, they were like, dude, it just, it goes, like, it goes quick, so don't get, like, it just kind of just passes, like, all this stuff is just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause it was still the aspect of like, you, like, yea definitely be, is, you gotta go back to handling data. Last time I did like hard trips, I fucking started thinking about my daily reality and I'm like, such a sacred fucking 24 hour space dude. I get so tripped up on it, it's like, I should be handling this with way more reverence dude and respect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But for the, but for the, you think it would, it would just amp it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good man. It was so tight. Spud was like, I'm so sorry, I thought it'd be- I'm like, Spud. I was on the flip side of the tap. Spud had a very, like, nice, pleasant experience. Mine was just a spanking, dude. I got an absolute spanking, but it was like, very, very nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I've walked, I was so blown out of my socks of like, just the, it was just, again, it was like the magnitude is what fucks me up. It's the utter magnitude of it that I get like, I'm in awe. I'm in like genuine Old Testament awe where I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Forget his name, there's a name, he's the warrior who has to go fight all of his cousins and he's like, be up about it. The Lord Krishna gives him his true form and he goes, please, it's too, it's too awesome and he gets all fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's the sickest dude ever by the way. That guy ruled.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the guy's name? He was the one who picked his cousin, his brother took the weapons and he was like, I'll just chill with you. Yeah. Lord Krishna. And Lord Krishna was like, good choice, cause here comes the secrets of the fucking universe. Yeah. He's like, by the way, you gotta kill your fucking cousins. Doesn't even matter, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, who's the, who's the protagonist of the, of the Bhagavad Gita?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, it's a pretty sick book. This dude's about to do battle with his cousins and then the fucking, the lord comes down. He's like, what you up to? And he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to fucking cut my cousin's heads off. He's like, dude, you must, dude. He's like, just live your life, bro. He's like, if you gotta cut your cousin's heads off, you guys are all part of the same thing anyway. Just go about your business. He's like, go about your business, bro. You're a warrior. You're from the castrita class. But yeah, anyway, that was a random aside. But the, um, I might have to reference.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, that's, that's one of my favorite types. It's one of my favorite types of dudes. You ever see dudes that walk down the street just fully fucking rapping with headphones as loud as possible? Yeah. It's like my favorite. Whenever I see that I always get pumped like damn this guy is just having the best time ever. Yeah. Full music video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, I feel like it's a certain type of enlightenment all in itself. To be able to go all out to a Walkman in public is like a certain level of where it's like, dude, I think this guy has been like, I think this is his final, his final wrap around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being a sick ballroom dancer, that's, that's a, I've never said no to something more times than ballroom dancing lessons to my wife. Every time she said, we should do ballroom dancing, I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bring it up again. No. I might do it actually now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be, now that I think about it, it would be nasty as fuck to be proficient in ballroom dancing. Yea. Yea, I might fire that back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I rise into the cream of the crop. I'm like, you know, I'm like when you have a kid and they start playing football, it's like, eh, why don't you get them into, uh, get them into lacrosse, we'll have a shot at a scholarship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need a ballroom dance, dude. I gotta do like the rowing of this kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh yeah. It must be nice to like become proficient in how to officially stink at dancing. I'm trained in stinking at dancing. But I don't know. I probably won't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, it's like, I will say, it was an unexpected, it had like an unexpected benefit for me where it like, it completely, you know, it's only been a couple days, but, like dude, I feel so confident in this, my day to day reality. I'm like, I got this. I'm like, this is nothing. I was on like a cosmic torture chamber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This little thing I got, I was like, I don't feel like I can get overwhelmed right now. I was kinda like, that's, I got this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now it feels like I was telling Noah, it feels like someone like opened another fucking like tab, like a browser. Now it's like I have this reality to think about and now I have that level, I contemplate the fucking DMT reality now where I'm like, well there is that too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have like a toggle, yea I can switch stream, exactly, it's really weird. I have an expanded universe right now, it's very, it's a weird side effect. That's whenever like, someone's like, someone get 20 minutes, you're good 20 minutes later, it's like, yea I think I've been changed forever, but other than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit. It's not even a worry, it's been like, it's been a boon. It's been an absolute treasure dude, but I'm like, it's very funny to walk around being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just now thinking about stuff that was like, that would potentially spaz me or bug me and I'm just kinda like, nah. Nothing can match the intensity of just being jeered, dude, by that, whatever that entity was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was crazy. It was, it was sick. It was, it was in like a, my brother swears that this is just weird guilt stuff that I have to let go of and transcend. But I was like, I don't know dude, it was a pretty tight experience. He's like, you have to break through that and go to the other end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what I told Spud. He was like, ah, hoping you'd have what I had. I was like, Spud, you got what you deserved. I got exactly what I deserved. I'm in store for like 10 more demon sessions, dude. I've earned every single one of them, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, this is one way to get it started. Whatever the fuck that was, it's fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, again, it's whatever you want it to be. Gotcha. You know what I mean? All these rules we put around it are purely man-made. Cause I would do that and be like, I'm just doing it once and stopping. And it's like, this is a rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, having people there to help you do it is key. Absolute key, dude. To be like, hold it in, keep going, keep going, keep going. Cause you want to smoke it till your reality completely dissapears.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you know what it felt for me? That's funny, so you would say that makes sense, cause Noah had a kind of, Noah's eye, Noah did it. Actually, we'll get into that later, it was very funny actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very possible, that makes perfect sense. And also, to answer your question, yea, I was, cause I've heard, if you smoke like the straight up DMT enough, like you're not even a thing, you're just an awareness. I was cognizant enough of like, my day to day, my day to day reality was gone, but I still knew of it. I was like, you know what I mean, it still existed. So, that's a good question dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know, I don't know how to explain it, but, and everyone's different too, everyone's like, dude Noah did it, and Noah was like 15, dude 15 minutes, he just laid on a couch and just like lived like a very primal type of existence. He just lived like different primal lifetimes. Just chilled on a couch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was out for 15, I was out for 5 dude. I got tossed right back out. No one did 15, no one was blessed by the ancestors dude. That's cool. I got absolutely just the boot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, for sure, dude. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, but Sid, your question, that's a solid theory, dude. The more you're kind of holding on and clinging. Because I knew I was going to get launched, but I didn't know what getting launched was like. Made getting launched, I was like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was way more severe, the launch was way more like dramatic than I thought.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was like a giant stepped on reality and squashed it, but I survived. And I was just like, what the fuck happened? It was crazy. It was pretty tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was tight, it was definitely tight dude. Yeah, shout out to the OG original Goomberones. True. Whoa. True, true. Shout out. But yeah, that was cool, that was a cool experience and I will do that again at some point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No clue dude, my, my visuals of the outer world were nil. I did, at one point I opened my eyes up and like Spud and Tom looked like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, scaly fucking weirdo creatures. I was just kinda like, they looked like them, themselves. But they were like, covered in like weird skin with like, like a patterned overlay. I was just like, oh man, I closed my eyes back then. I was like, not back yet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not, well yeaah. Except for Noah, Noah did the whole time, 12 minutes, eyes opened. He didn't realize his eyes, he didn't realize his eyes were open dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh wow. Well, he had a clean canvas. He had a white ceiling. Dude, my brain was so long and his eyes were open the whole time that my Thomas afterwards was like, dude, I was like two minutes away from picking him up and dropping him on like fourth and south. And he like, good luck, dude. Like later. He thought he fucking completely fried him. He's got the bandana on south street and he's like, he'll just be a freak now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All it does is identify an error in the coding, dude. That's all that's happening. You're being debugged. You're going, oh wait a second. Nope. There's a thought loop that I have. Dude, that was another thing I bugged out on. I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're telling me, according to science, all of that shit exists in basically my subconscious? Yeah. So there is a world of shit outside of your awareness that is, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're running in the depths, you're running in your feminine side, you're running in the depths of the feminine part of your psyche. You know what, I'm not afraid of my animus though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's the, uh, fuck, there's a guy, Robert Monroe, who always talks about, like, traveling outside. He's the guy who does the Monroe Institute, who, like, teaches people how to lose a dream and travel outside their body. And he's, dude, I'm reading one of his books, dude, it's the wildest shit. He's just him writing about times he's out of his body.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's the craziest shit dude, it's him. He like has these things, they're like information entities. Like so he'll be dealing with an entity and it'll be like, do you want to know about this? And he's like, yes very much so. And it just gives him like a big cloud of information that he's like, uh, and it hits him. He's like, that's too much. And he's like, you'll unpack it over time, don't worry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it was crazy man, he talks about going, he like, he's lucid, he said it just started happening to him, he would have like, out of body experiences, he'd be chilling, all of a sudden he'd be like, Is he still around? Could he come here? I'll try, I don't know if he's still alive, I think, is he alive, Robert Monroe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He might be dead. His wife died, his wife died during the book that I was reading. That was like his last book. But he was, he's dead. But we could go to the Monroe Institute, it's in Virginia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can fully go down there and be like, what's up with this? So far, we need to investigate. There's apparently, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rosicrucian Pyramids in Bucks County, someone told me about. Sick. But you're not allowed around them apparently, they're forbidden. We'll see about that. Yea. It'll be tight. Well, dude, if you want beef with Rosicrucians, dude, I don't know if I want that. Yea. You want beef with Rosicrucians? No, I'm not gonna beef. We can start going on their fucking, like, land. Have you tried to see the temples, dude? We could chase, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, or maybe that's how you get into the order of Rosicrucians, by going to the temples and being like, nothing's forbidden to me, and they're like, welcome brother, absolutely not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think we can figure it out either way. I feel like that's kinda the way you gotta get into a secret society.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As long as we all get it on tape it would be great footage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what all those ancient. She's protecting you from yourself. She is. You can't, if you get too much head things go. She's kind of being a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sure. For sure. But she has to because she loves you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I always did optional. I always did optional. I always said, look, I don't have a weird, you don't have to, I don't care if you spit my comment. There's no, no part of me that wants you to swallow this. If you want to, by all means, I'll cheer you on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't be offended if you decide that you want to spit this out. You won't offend me whatsoever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shame. Yeaah. This is your opportunity. Yeaah. It's a shame you're, uh, you know, so particular about the whole no-color-your-mouth thing. It's pretty awesome from my perspective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's another thing, that's another time I'm just pausing all, just tearing them all like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean just, it's just a very nice thing when women become the Navy Seals of Head. It's like what a noble quest. It is polite. It's a very noble quest. I'm trying to figure out what's the exact like life path that puts a person all in that. Like I'm just going to get the best at head. Yeah. But whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, Sensei. Such a sick mode to be on with chicks. We're like, I am your Sensei.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The R. Kelly shit was crazy. It was. Tony, me and Chris Wood are the only two people who ever listened to that album.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, R Kelly, right before he got arrested, yea, right before he went to jail, he released the most sexually aggressive album ever released. About him just like eating buttholes, it's crazy. It's basically JOI for women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he has like a two minute spoken word of the very first song and it's like, it's fucked up. Like you hear it and you're like, he definitely peed on that girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I heard about that, I heard about that too. Little rumors. I mean, to be fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't have time to have sex with your wife when you're running a country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it'll be, it'll be cut. I mean, god, they're fucking, they're just holding up the whole TV on, like, shots of the street.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it is fucking nonsense, dude. I haven't been following it at all. I didn't even know he was actually- when they say indicted, I thought that means like when they serve you, I don't even know what that is. What's good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might put him on security detail, honestly. Although his fly, he's been making show flyers, they've been fire.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, Mezey's digital gra- They have been good. He's a man of so many talents and he hides them. I'm like, can you do video editing? No, not really. You know, whip something together, perfect. Can you do this? Uh, put it together. I'm like, dude, this is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're like, we'll show you, the manager walked me to the pizza place and there's a bouncer too, just from me and they all came. So like, they open a side door, dude, they open a side door to a pizza place, it's torrential rain, and it was just for some reason nothing but a Asian lady pizza party in this back room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I open the door, they hold the door open so they just get like hit with gale force winds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I just sat in the toilet, took a shit, and then they walked me back out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I told Brittany to order pizza. I'm like, order some pizza. So she ordered stuff and then they just chilled and I took a dump and I got back and they're like, alright, we'll take you back there. I'm like, I could have, I knew how to get back. I was laughing so hard at being like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was crazy. I opened the door to just nothing but a bunch of Asian ladies getting just like crushed by wind. And they were just sitting there like, walking surrounded by three people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why they did that. That was very intense. Cause I was like, I knew exactly where the place was. Like, we'll see if we can let you in the side cause it's raining. I was like, oh sick. You couldn't just shit at the stress fat. I've shit in there before. I did it the night before. Yeah. But everyone, there's like lines that, that line gets, that bathroom gets lined up. I was like, I gotta go now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, cause he goes, how long do you want me to do? And I said, do whatever the fuck you want. He goes, it's your show dude, you tell me. I'm like, I don't know dude, it's a fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hilarious. Yeah, he, uh, there's another guy from, uh, Bridgeport, Connecticut. His name's Matt. He's funny. He's a, he was a host there. He came to a guest spot and him and Vinny had this, like, discussion of, like, who would fuck up who? And he was like, I would fuck this Vinny. I would fuck him up. And Matt's like a, he's a bigger, he's a portly gentleman. He's a hardy fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The example man dude, and like Vinny's like, for some reason Vinny's like, I would beat your ass. And they start going back and forth whose ass you would beat. And then he told a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just, I don't know, you know, it's, the story just made me laugh. I don't think anything of it, but it was like, he was like talking about, he was backstage with Robert Kelly, and for some reason,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He claims that Robert Kelly was like, I'd beat your ass. And Vinny was like, I'd beat your ass. And they had this thing where they, he like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everything, every interaction I had with these dudes is the funniest dude in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're talking about beating people. He went from talking about beating this guy's ass to beating his ass. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck is going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea it is. It is honestly though, it's the, it's like stuff, it's like for the sake of just putting stuff out on the internet, it's like, that's, that bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trump is still, Trump still has not been let out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, I saw that was, uh, you know what? That was poor sportsmanship. We can agree. That was poor sportsmanship. That's all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like after you score a point, you're allowed to do whatever you want for three seconds.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even hitting him with him once is like fair enough cause you were talking shit on the game like bam, blah, blah, blah. But, I don't know, I mean, she also did appropriate that, you have to understand. Kaitlyn Clark did appropriate that and she should be probably kicked that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Severely weirded out. I've been off the weed for a while, like minimal if any. And the other day I was like, it's been long enough, it's Sunday, I got the kids are down, I'm gonna take the dogs for a walk, I'm gonna hit, fuck my little volcano vape thing a little bit, just take a walk. Dude, I have periods in my life where I can't smoke weed, it fucking spins me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no, this was, this was, dude, this was, I couldn't even, the text would be too, I walked outside, it was nice out, and I was just going, ehh, that's a little more than I thought I guess, and I went,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, just go with it dude, no problem. Dude, I don't know what, I saw all the people, so I walk, I had my dogs walk in, we're outside of Reathers Park, and I see everyone in my neighborhood. My neighborhood's like, mostly...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's Democrat. I was like looking, it's like kind of more like upscale Democrat type thing. That's like my neighborhood affiliate. And I, in my head I was laughing at the playground, I went, the demon rats. And I started like just kind of laughing. Did you come up with that? No, Bill Billy told me that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucy Breakers is the adult version of finding a toy in your cereal box. Yes. It's THE nicotine pouch with a surprise inside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, for 50% off, 15% off your breakers, check out the subscribe and save option. That's when you buy and you know you're gonna use it, so you say, send me some every month. Send me some monthly, cause I'm addicted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So give yourself a little surprise when life feels overwhelming.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, drenched. Oh, lucy.co. That's lucy.co. It's coming up again today. That's lucy.co. Drenched. Received $10 off and always free shipping. Here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One man every hour, every day is diagnosed with testicular cancer. Jesus. Manscaped has joined with Testicular Cancer Society to raise awareness and is donating $50,000 to help patients.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Manscaped is also launching a special edition testicular cancer society, Purple Lawn Mower 4.0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are only 10,000 of these puppies being made. So get yours while you can. Personal endorsement. I have one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I lose again in UFC, I'll show you my pubes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make sure you're down there trimming up and make sure you're also checking for cancer. Play with your balls and look for lumps, size changes, or pain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So save some balls and save some money with this special deal to our listeners. Get 20% off of free shipping with code drenched at manscaped.com. That's 20% off of free shipping with code drenched at manscaped.com. Make sure to spread the news and tell your buddies to check themselves in testicular cancer awareness month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you even doing at this point? Like what are you getting done in a day? Do you have like 14 cars following you? Like how do you do anything? I mean besides obviously make history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was a, a guy shot someone on a, uh, on the subway, and like these two dudes held him down the whole time. Until the people, until like the cops got there and they wrestled him off the, the L or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, they're holding him down. The cops ran up to him are so fat. Dude, they literally...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, I'm telling you, the bros are- What are the cops doing, dude? The cops sit in their car and eat the worst food all day. Like, they really do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of them get jacked as- they're like dudes who are jacked as fuck too. And then you sit on your ass for like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn. Tell me Trump's not gonna get to clean up the rivers, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're loving it, dude, yeaah, it's, you know. Can you imagine if this was Hillary?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the best. Dude, I, uh, I, this is my spin-out. This is the start of my spin-out where I'm walking, I see these people playing, I go, the demon, I'm like laughing at myself going, the demon rats, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so funny, and I'm like, oh my, and I, it like, it sounds so dumb, cause you know when your high thing seems so like, like profound? Yeah. I was like, oh, this is what it is to be polarized, and I went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jesus Christ, there's like dudes that have really completely different worldviews right now and I go, wow. And I started thinking about how everyone was making like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're telling me there's nothing else going on that I might need to know about rather than watching nine SUVs driving a road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a fucking school bus? Dude, he's just got every municipal vehicle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Dude, did you see the fucking, the brothers got out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's extremely funny. The whole theater.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it dude, that's what's up. Hit you with a that's how it's done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, fi- 5 SUVs minimum. I mean Trump has 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. He might have 10 SUVs. What in the fucking world? Would you need 10 SUVs? Unless they're like decoy stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what like emperors in like ancient times would do. They'd have like the most elaborate things. It just looks, you can get rich enough to be like, dude, this procession, you just get into like processing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I told you when I was a little kid I tried to grab a cops gun. When I was a little kid- You acted on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a little boy and they had like a cop at a recess for some like weird like school thing. They said like a cop, like an officer friendly thing. They're chilling outside and I went to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pull it out of his holster from behind him and he hit my hand. He's like, what are you doing? Don't do that. But cops have like a dual release. You have to like hit a thing. I didn't know that. I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember thinking as a little kid, like, this is, this is funny, to like snatch his cop, snatch a cop's gonna be so funny if I popped it out of his hole. He was not feeling it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got told on before, it sucked. Thank God it was with my uncle Neil, he's cool. My parents are a completely freaky guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, what? This is crazy! The motorcade's out of control!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is like, uh, I mean, this has to cost a city, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I mean, how, like, dude, how do you even wake up for such an epic day? This is so fucking epic, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he had to call the city and be like, I'll be in the city today, shut down a square grid of Manhattan so I can go into this place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you see that and you go, these guys don't like collude on anything and have weird shady business. It's like dude, they, she called someone and he's like yo, I'm coming, block all the streets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's like the permits for that? If I want to call my mayor and be like, yo, how much would it cost me to block entirely a broad, entirely block broadsheet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, Jesus Christ, get it together, not the men, and this is like a kind of a weirder thing, but then I started, I didn't realize how much I do this, but like, when I'm out, I'm not sensitive to it unless you're like, it's kind of stoned.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You walk by people, I have like almost like a mental reaction to every single person I see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, I started being like, holy shit, I've, not even like a social anxiety thing. Like I saw a dude's kid kicking a soccer ball who was like, probably like five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate weed. I hate weed. It was crazy. God. I was losing it, dude. I got, I saw a, like a Puerto Rican couple who were wearing like cool denim jackets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was spinning on every single person I saw. This was a Puerto Rican couple in like cool denim jackets with like cool hairstyles and there was a part of me that went like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it must be cool to like, be part of like, I was calling it the culture in my head of like, you're involved in the culture and I'm like, they have a tiny little slice of it and it's gotta be enjoyable, but I was like, if you get too close to the epicenter of it, you're destroyed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there's a part where I think it becomes all, it'll just be completely consuming. I was like thinking about how they were on like the comfortable like periphery of it and I'm like that must be pretty sick and I started thinking of dudes who try to like completely get to the epicenter of it and like I rule and it's like, uh, he was shot in the head in a nightclub.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My whole point was that like it does when dudes try to like get like, you know, like the cowboy from Westworld is like, I want to get to the game within the game. And it becomes all consuming. And like dude, it's like, I was thinking of that kid too. I saw the same thing of like, I'm the man, I'm it. And it was like just, I'm standing in my enemy's blood with $40,000 and it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not trying to sound like, I'm not trying to sound shitty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was uncomfortable. It was a very, I was like, dude, it was just nothing but a walk, a four block radius of me just going, and then just seeing other people and be like, God damn it, why do I react so viscerally to everybody I see?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I was tripping on about the level of inner battles you have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a phase, I'm going through a phase of life where I get mentally allergic to weed for like stretches of like a couple years. Then it just wears off. Right now I like tried the babyest amount and I was fucking spun dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got a weird, I was like walking past, there was a lady with like a ball or something, and I'm like, I let my dog like pee, this is what I did too, I let my dog pee on like a trick, a little young sapling, and I was like, oh hopefully the pee doesn't fuck the sapling up, and there's a lady, she like just looked over casually, and I'm like, if that lady says something, I'd be like, yo shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then as I did that, I got intense deja vu and I was like, did I dream about this? And I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here, man. Yo, if she says this, I'd be like, yo, shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did that for like, I just couldn't stop. And I used to do it way more and I've been doing it less. Then I got high and I got in my head and I was realizing how much I like, these thoughts like, I was like, these might not even be real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was what destabilized me because I looked at every single person, I'm like, oh, these guys are all just having this psycho and my whole, not even epiphany, it was like, oh, this is an inner life. I'm having an inner experience and I'm like, so is everybody else and everyone's is completely out of control. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was my whole point though, everyone does like, people are like, and that was my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No problems. I'm like, oh, this is what happens when people are left to their own devices, like, I get nuts, dude. Yeah. Then you start like stewing in your own juices and it's just like, what is that lady thing? And if you're talking to somebody, the other lady doesn't care. Bitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, dude, it was cra- it was insane. It was purely fucking insane. And I started just thinking of like, those dudes are so lucky to be able to take a piece of the culture. I was thinking they must look so fucking cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be, that would be, people would be like, dude. They'd just start to be like, this is crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And coffee, don't forget. They can't have coffee either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I abused the coffee on uh, Friday night. I drank it before shows. I never do that. I abused the coffee.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a blast. I had a blast all weekend. And I didn't do it the next day, I was still fine, but yea dude, I got home and it was like, it was like crackhead shit where I couldn't sleep til like 4 in the morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was just telling my wife, you remind me a lot of my friend who just passed away recently, like look a lot like him. And, uh, you know, I obviously hit him with like, bah, it's me. I'm back. Like I'm back. I faked it. Yeah, that's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda funny, but then he was like, we did a big cheers to the uh, everyone cheers to his dead friend. We did a nice like cheers to the dead friend. It was a very touching moment dude, I got to like make eye contact with him, he was very happy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There, there was somebody at every single stress factor show, at least one person that would like, fully, like almost stand up and try to talk. It was insane. It was kind of funny. Yea, that's, that is, at a theater is insane dude. To just be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been, dude, I'm telling you, I cannot stop battling Italian dudes. Nonstop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, it was, they were continually a problem every time. It was so bad that I was talking about how bad they were and there wasn't any there and people were just confused like, what are you talking about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's in on it. Yeah, but either way, that was, it was, dude, I will say I just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn it, dude. What if someone rushed in this room and tried to fucking kill us? I wasn't making anything. You've been up to something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what do you think about DeSantis? What do you think DeSantis is doing? Do you think he's kind of like nice, nice, nice? Or is it like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's also for, it's hush money. His crime was using campaign finances. You can pay people out of your personal stuff to not say anything, but you can't use campaign.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like one of your drones blew up a fucking school, and you're like, ehh. It happens. That'd be fair. Yeah, if they put them in for that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Florida fuckin' rules. Florida does rule, dude. Florida rules. Every time, I remember we went to Northwest Florida.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, not the beach place. I'm saying we did it when you were doing the thing down south through the Harrisburg Comedy Zone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never- Destin? Destin. Destin, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I've been in Florida I'm like, yep, the whole state fucking rules pretty hard. Continues to rule.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rolls pretty fucking hard. Yeah. I see dudes, all right, when during the pandemic we went down there, I see people yelling at each other in the supermarket about mask versus no mask. Sick. Perfect. So funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would spill into Munchausen's by proxy. It is. It's like an intention thing. It definitely is. Yeah, it's like, yeah. God damn it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the scariest disease to me. Making a kid be sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. I'm thinking of like being pretending you're sick. If you were kept in bed, what would you rather be? Pretend to be sick in bed or you have to be a girl and like go out in the world and like kinda kick ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, I don't know why though, I think kids don't do that anymore. You could be wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm saying we should go down and free him, we should go down and bust him out. Jailbreak. Get out of here! Yeaah. What now? Be like, uuuh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that drives me nuts. Especially when people on bikes try to do like, rules of the road, but it's like, dude, I'm in a car, just fucking get out of the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do like the dudes that wear, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full spandex suits and like go grocery shopping. That's like the most, I think they're like the only- With the shoes? Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So cleats, helmet, and then they go like in like a spandex Tour de France outfit and go grocery shopping. And I'm always like, by the way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, for sure. There are those. There are. Imagine if there was like a psycho sports dad who did that same energy on their kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn it dude, that is like the darkest shit in the world. That's a dude spazzing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, the son was not a quarterback. Again, I don't want to go way back in time and ball and trash this dude's son as QB, but he clearly wasn't QB material. I wasn't QB material.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was chugging milk, the summer, the summer I was fucking going into freshman year. I was waking up if I would go lift with the team prematurely. I lifted as like a 14 year old. I was in there with the football team. I asked permission to go lift with them and I was just chugging milk, sitting on my ass all summer and lifting with the team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just got smashed. I was like, why are the linemen so big? It was just fucking dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was playing, dude, it was, it was, I was like, dude, I was, I was playing line, fullback, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was, I always was cautious about putting my head down. I was always, I've always been smart about not fucking hitting the head in people. I just liked, I liked the clash and the scrimmage. But dude, I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How nice did you feel when you pulled? That's my favorite. Pulling is so nice, unless you fall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did prefer blocking, hitting people blocking to tackling. Tackling I didn't mind, but I preferred just like really


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PB football was so fun. They're actually, I take it all back, they're so right. This guy was like, this is gonna be the best channel ever, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have to watch the movie where the guy coaches, it's like based on a true story where he coaches his sons. He was an NFL defensive forehand. Oh, the, no. The same. Yeah. And he goes. Yeah. It was Kevin James.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll get fired up. Him coming back to his high school team and he's watching his like son's team, he's like, what's that guy doing? He's like, I'm not gonna say anything. He goes down, he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he starts doing it. It's so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God damn, I don't care. You gotta say I love you, dude. This goes deeper than winning or losing, dude. You get real deep as a coach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God man, that must be kind of cool though, you have a group of kids, you're watching them within a short period of time, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want to go back and coach. I was just thinking about, dude, when you're like, it's spring. Actually, sorry, that's fall for football. But it's like, it feels, it's like still warm out from the summer. You're playing the first games of the season. You're standing as a kid in football pads on a foot, like waiting for a kickoff. There's no, there was no thoughts in my head back then. I was just sitting there going,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like a blur, the sidelines, there's a blur of people in the field, like, that sounded like my dad, alright? Yea. And you just go, I'm gonna run as fast as I f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's quick dude. He's got a 4 point stance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Given center's hell dude, you'd be like, as soon as that ball lifted off the ground, he'd be shhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I am reading headlines, but I know stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't hate it as much as people think they should. It's not that bad. It's not that bad. It's bad, but it's not that bad. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna, it's gonna decentivize people from learning skills, but it's also gonna, uh, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do the stuff that people really know. So it's gonna like turn these skills into like things we don't need anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're going to turn into Wally. Yeah. Perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gone Wild? There's a, you know, Sam, you're a ready guy, you know about the Gone Wild groups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of is the red hair, like he's kind of white, right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't? No, I just hit the sound effect by accident. You didn't masturbate on the tour bus? No, I was like, we had hotels for the beginning and we were here so I purged everything I could while I had the chance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was the best ever. I heard you talk about it. And at first I was scared by the rocking. I thought it was going to like make me sick, but then I just. It's like a mobile casket. Yeah, it's like a tomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude. It's all the rage. The super ultimate audio visual experience. Swap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, I've been waking up every morning for the baby. Yeah, I know. So now I'm just, I'm locked into it, and I can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter, it's just doing what you want to do, that's all, that's all that matters. Yeah. So I'm gonna wake up and do what I want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, but I wake up right now at 3.30 in the morning and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've been fighting it, it's been happening like all week and I've been like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fighting game, like no, and I've been like trying to make myself fall asleep. Today I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in my, I was in the back of the car, and any car that passed us, they'd be like, that guy's out of the race. Then any car we passed, they'd be like, yes, we're winning. I used to do this all the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much, realistically how much would it cost to set up just that final level of American Gladiators?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One of those sky zones. I tried to do American Ninja Warrior. What part of it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck. But yea, dude, I, uh, I mean, we can, we gotta film ourselves on the American Ninja Warrior course. It's so hard, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're having segs with your girl. I see you spelled S-E-G-G-S already off to a good start. You're having segs with your girl when all of a sudden you find her sucking your balls like she's squeezing the juice out of a popsicle wrapper. You feel your bird shriveling with each second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or just being like, are you giving me ball torture out of a kink? That might be hurt. Your wife might have a ball torture kink.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually not very fun for me to be assaulted in my balls. Yeah, dude, so the fact, dude, here's the deal. Here's the ultimate issue. You're letting, your body's telling you what's up. You're not telling her the truth, and what happens? Your dick gets offed. Cause your body's like, what the fuck are we doing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just guide her, guide her, like, passively. What if he gave his genitalia a nickname that they could both lovingly refer to it as?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, I'm telling you, I asked to get my nipples sucked, I have no shame. You asked? Or did you like hint?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, I mean yea, no no, I hear you, and you're not wrong on some level. Right now, I'm just very into my bodily wisdom. Like my body, my body can repair fucking cuts, I don't know how to do that, it can fucking seek out certain cells. If my nipples feel good getting sucked, I'm not gonna deny my body that. It does a lot of work for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's actually good advice. Think about your innate bodily wisdom, dude. Exactly, and that's what I'm telling him, his body's being like, bro, you're not gonna tell her that it hurts your balls, your life progenitors within you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But no, I, I, I, I understand the pressure I do get, but like, yea dude. It's your body, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She wants you to be faithful, dude. She says, do whatever you want. That was, that was too far.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although, dude, that's the reality I think about all the time. It's like, that's your sexual partner for life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't, why would you hold back with that person? That's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nope. Zero shame. Let it all air out. What's the worst that's gonna happen?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be like, oh, this is weird. It's like, yeah, well, we're gonna have sex forever. I'm glad I covered this thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, and I'm telling you, people will say, oh, you're just, like, it actually kind of rules to be like, alright, I'm gonna, rather than like, having a bunch of weird sex with strangers, I'm gonna have, I'm gonna just constantly have sex with one person and just like, get a little weirder every single time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Without having to join some like weird kink community, cause that just takes all the fun out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be the weirdest shit ever. Someone's like, yeah, I always love being tied up and having my ass hit with a cattle prod. It's like, yeah, alright man. Fucking, don't tell anyone that dude. Just tell one person, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sex of Dawn was that guy who went on Rogan, like Ryan, I think Christopher, his name I think is Christopher Ryan actually, like, guy from Winnie the Pill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And uhm, he or Ryan Christopher, I forget, but he came out with that whole book being like, I proved that everyone needs multiple sexual partners using evolutionary science. And like everyone started like pushing that book around and be like, oh babe, I'm just wired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys not constantly bring up your monogamy with your partners? I constantly bring up my monogamy all the time. I always tell her, bro, it's just you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Completely become a sexually patient man. It's like babe, I'll wait. Before it used to fucking drive me nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, oh, here we go. If you could guarantee that a dude with a, had a, okay, so if you can guarantee that a dude with a hot wife had a smaller penis than you, would you be down to wife swap?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also how would you guarantee it? That's the question. That's the question within the question. How am I gonna guarantee? So I'm gonna have to start- This is- We're obviously talking about like a witch's spell or something. Oh, I thought he was talking about doing due diligence. Like I'd have to start like meeting dudes with hot wine. No, you're talking about magically looking into a crystal ball. Like changing their confidence or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a realist. I'd have to hire a P.I. to snap birdshots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you knew a guy, guarantee, if you personally could guarantee him, that's what I'm saying, there's only one way to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's the thing though, I've thought about this too. What do you think would happen if it just became like all the rec- all the dongs got completely open sourced to common knowledge? How do you think that would affect society?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think, like what do you think would happen in terms of like, you think political parties would shift? You think like- I think, I think there would be like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I think, I think something would happen. I don't know what would happen, but if it was like complete open source...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you- I know it in my heart. You think you're Dick Square? Totally level?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it stinks, but I mean, at the same time, I don't know. You can kinda get into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of like, getting like, especially if you can get yourself super shrived. Like looking like very Greco Roman.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, okay, we saw that one. Thorough answers. Yea, no stone unturned. Very true. Uhm, okay, you think Atlantis is real? Fuck yea. I'm not talking about that. Dude, it is. You think it's real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there it is, settled. Should I quit my software job and go back to school for mechanical engineering? I hate logging into a remote job to build BS that nobody really cares about. I'm 29, probably will have a kid a year or two, or have a kid in a year or two. I want to make real shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's what you do. And Matt's advice to stay true to my real self has been really questioning my current situation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have the guap not to work for four years. My wife does get papered from a federal government job. That's a big one too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean. He's not asking, he's not doing anything crazy. He's like, dude, you're going back to school for mechanical, you're not going to like study and fucking. He needs to hook up with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, definitely quit your software job, dude. Get back to school. I wanna know what he means by-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably like bridges, like civians, whole robots. Mechanically, I don't know, I have no idea. I mean I guess he doesn't want software. I instantly want the robot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, dude, especially if you're talking about your babes, your babes papered. It's like dude, go to school. It's not like an unheard of thing to be like, yo, I'm gonna go to school.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. Yeah, it's true. I mean, that's the other thing too. You might get into mechanical engineering, but man, I fucking hate this too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have like one dusty treadmill downstairs. Yeah. I can just go back to work sweaty. It's like, I've always saw that. I was like, what the fuck is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keep trying things. Yeah, I agree with Danny, dude. There's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you've been bludgeoned with bullshit since you've been in school that's not designed to help you figure out what you want to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would do it, cause then you're just gonna go, you're gonna think about this basically forever. Then if you do one thing and you don't like it, it'll get you closer to what you actually do like. And you'll have the ability to just be like, just drop jobs. I was the same way. I'm fucking out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard adults though be like, yo, I'm thinking of quitting my job and doing comedy. And I'm always like, like, what do you have any advice? And I'm like, don't do that. Or if you do it, just get ready.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just for 15 years of your life to flash by and be like, what the fuck happened? That's what's going to happen. And if you're cool with that, then do it. But yea, there is a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, the, I always tell people, if you're, if you're, if you're like not, like, if you can actually figure out how to like pay for your basic necessities without having a job you don't like, then quit your job and then figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no I hear you. Yeaah, that was a... Yeaah, that's definitely like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once you kind of figure that out of like, well exactly like, what can you do to not have it affect your day to day? That's when money, for me, it does stop. It's nice to have, but you go...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I can, like if my day to day isn't getting disrupted and someone's like, here's more money, or like, you know what I mean, like it doesn't make, doesn't really do anything for you until you've like, freed yourself from whatever you don't like. For me personally. But some people wanna, you know, they like to get flying by stuff. I'm not making any sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you talking about like the pipe dream? Yeah. Yeah. Are you talking about an actual shirt that goes out into the third dimension or a 2D, 3D illusion shirt? 3D illusion shirt. Okay, when you talk dimensions, please be specific. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got me pumped. I thought there was a shirt that goes out into the third dimension. I was like, what the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little formal, formal 3D shirts. But yea, that was the whole point of, uh, sorry, I just, I remembered what I was trying to say. I was fucking having a, my brain got like the blue screen of death for a second. I was like, uh, another thing, uh, uh, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the, uh, they say, they've done studies where they say happiness stops at, I think it was something like $80,000 a year. They said like, people stop noticing the increases. As much. I would, I would agree. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was I doing it wrong? Yea, cause you're not at a deficit. That's all it is. Our bodies are wired. If we perceive the fact that we're at a deficit, it's like code red. Code red. Where's the lie on that one? Deficit. Deficit. I don't have enough stuff. I'm running out of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, I don't, uh, whatchamacallit. I don't deny any of that stuff. I say, oh hey, what's an opinion that each of you has personally that you don't think your two coho share? Atlantis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot of opinions about there about Atlantis. I'm just saying there are theories, there are workable theories out there. No, I like you, you know, getting the fucking skinny on Atlantis. I mean, so what is the, what is the, what's the thing about it? It was underwater, right? What's the thing about it? Was it underwater?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude Silverfish, do you think Atlantis was real? What do you think about the Nephilim? Y'all still on that Robert Seifert shit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, well, I don't know anything about it. I don't really, uh, I don't know. If they proved Atlantis was real, I'd be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I mean, what's the fuss with Atlantis? It was an old land area that used to exist that's now something else or like it sank? What's the fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Until it was. Until it was, yea. And then did people continue living underwater there?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or has that just been to smite the Atlantean community? Dude, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean there could have been a fucking city that got flooded, what the fuck, how is this even a conspiracy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the Atlantis was all across, okay, so they're all across the world or the Atlantean knowledge spread?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, yeaah, this, this like dovetails into a bunch of ancient people stuff. There's like the, that, there's this, this exists about the Aryans. There's, that was a big thing Hitman is up to about being like, you know, there were these guys way back when who were the fucking smartest ever and they figured it out. But then we got separated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it does, it dovetail, a lot of that stuff comes under fire cause it like, Hitler propaganda and like sick shit about Atlantis at some point converges, unfortunately. I've learned this. At some point it converges and you can go down like the craziest rabbit hole and be like, wait what? Wait, what the fuck? Where were they? What did they look like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's everything you need to know about Alanis. Sir.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, that one never got me. I remember just, that and the flat earth thing I always looked at and went, I don't see anything in this for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny. Yeah. But it, yeah. Alright, so there's, here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, it's not really an insult, but the guy's being very presumptuous. The top one? No, right in the middle. There's a quotation mark. Too mad. You don't have to, it's all of us, we each have one question. I didn't even read my own question, I should have read it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, yeaah, I don't think I'd do it. The Brother McCusker Pageant would be sick. The Brother McCusker, the Brother McCusker Pageant? Mr. McCusker, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, so yeaah, I'll consider that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting fucking chicken hawked. That's crazy. I didn't even read it like that. Unless I'm wrong. No that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, I think that might have been a bit, that might have come from within that fellow who crafted those fine fucking questions. I think that might have been it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There we go. Yeah, that question was written by Cokin Adderall. I know, it truly was. What's the biggest crap you've ever taken, both length and diameter? Ha, dude, I was pissed myself. Here we go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, this is going to sound really lame, but I found these things online you can take if you're, if you're like, you might come into contact at a restaurant. Like if I might eat something that has gluten in it, which sucks to say out loud, I'll take this, these like digestive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, proteins or enzymes, and it's supposed to help break it down. And I took the- You've got butt narcan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But dude, I took them and I just, the next day I split my ass open. I had like a fucking python of a turd. And it happened to me for two days and my ass split. I fucking, I breached. And I had a shit that was the size of like a football, dude. It wasn't obviously not literally the size of a football, but dude, I'm not lying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it was that, dude. That was the widest. It wasn't the longest ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My god. It was, literally I was like, I thought that it was stuck. I was like, I got a shit stuck in my ass and I can't get it in or out, back in or back out. And I had to sit there and be like, uuuh, uuuh. The bay doors couldn't close.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is not for me at all. It was, it broke me dude. It broke me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, that shit sucked. But yea, length, I mean, not lying, I've, I've hit that long. It is, it's not, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, I think. We've all hit it. I put out numbers. 13, 14.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that was pretty, that was pretty intense. You had some nice, you actually had some windage on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me see, here we go. Is nog acceptable if your girlfriend is disabled and can't put it down anymore, chair disabled? Not to be, not brain to be clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would completely sublimate your sexual drive to just an absolute love for life. If and only if.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same thing, you're just chilling, you're just sitting, just like, standing, sitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like that, like it's like when a fairy godmother is like using like a youth to like channel their youth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll, she'll be back. Nice. Are you starting to just learn all about the universe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't hit the same at all. Yeaah, unfortunately true. I think the same goes for sour cream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, they might be a fungus, yo. They might be a tuber. No, cause dessert, fruits go in dessert and vegetables go in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could have tomato in a dessert.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've actually seen a guy do this. It was on like Instagram. There was a black dude snapping off little morsels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna choose a bitch over maybe your best homie ever? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why, that's why I, I wear sunscreen, but like I do make sure that I don't like every once in a while, like maybe 50% of the time I wear sunscreen because I also don't want kids to wear it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they make all kinds of like organic ones now or there's all bullshit. Everything's bullshit dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, through the air. Yeah, like a frog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you got so nasty at it that like when the room was quiet, you could hear the air going in and out of your pores? How fucked up would that be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was thinking like getting divorced and having to, having to like initiate contact and like go, Hey, is this, is there something here? Uh, I think I would rather, I would rather get hit by like a train so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Oh man. Well, you have to remember, dude. Purple belt. I've, dude, I've been with my wife for most of my adult life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just trying to like live in a storage unit and work at a GameStop. That's all I, that's all I'm going to be doing.