[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like a six, seventeen year old girl, and I was like, Jesus, that's so scary. I don't like it. I was scared, dude. Tony, you even dared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can talk about whatever else. Oh dude, the big announcement dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Too big of a guess, I almost blew it this morning. What do you mean? I was in bed, I'm such a fucking dumbass dude. We have the big announcement to make, it's, you know, it's huge. And I go alright, I'm gonna get up tomorrow morning at like 5.30, get a jump on traffic. And uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why I woke up, I was like, I'm gonna be on the road at 6 a.m., if I get there an hour early, that's just what I'm gonna do, it's not a big deal. And, uh. But I'm such a dumbass, I didn't set an alarm clock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how, this is truly how incapable of stuff I am. I like, all of a sudden at 550, I'm, I was having a dream about being with my cousins who all do like, cool act, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone in this neighborhood has borrowed my Ryobi pole saw. It's a big point of pleasure of mine. These guys had like sheer branches off and they're doing cra- it's just a great thing I have. So in my dream, my cousins were doing this big time job in my basement. It disassembles, it goes apart, battery powered, it's fucking- Disassemble your weapon and continue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're scratching their heads, and they're like, what are we gonna do? And I was like, guys, I'm gonna go get my Ryobi pole saw, I'll be right back. And I'm like, they're gonna be so pumped from the Ryobi pole saw. My wife wakes me out of just a blissful dream.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I just wake up and I said, babe. She goes, you gotta get up. And I was like, babe, where are you? Where are you, babe? It's dark in this room. I wanna touch you. She said, babe, babe, you're late. And I was like, oh my gosh. And I woke up. You said, it's the podcast. Thank you so much. Literally woke me up from the best dream ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would I do without you, man? I would have slapped into like fucking, who knows what time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just people, it's all of everyone's belief systems got blown apart. Now they're like slowly reassembling and avoid from it. I think we're getting inoculated to demagoguery though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of just like guys who can get up there and be like, you're in your kids and everyone's like, yeah, what the fuck. Everyone, now like a random dude can just hit the playbook of just like a, a demagogue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you're pissed, if you're already, and most people are pissed and like just utterly disillusioned and the guy starts being like, you know what the problem is? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna start being like, yeah, I could see that, yeah. But you're telling me I'm right and everyone else is wrong? I kinda like the idea of that. I don't know what about that. That sounds good to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, Jesus Christ. Then what was the, what was like the big actual, has anyone pointed out the big like, is it just financial pressures that drives these countries into war or is it just pure like a guy being like, this is the problem, like how do they act, have they ever gotten down to how they actually, actually start?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause there's like, if a guy attacks your country, if you're like a little, like a, you know, you take it back to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The year a thousand, you're just chilling in a village and dudes start like kicking the walls and you're like, hey, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean it is tempting, I guess, cause then the United States kinda came out pretty good on the end of World. Didn't they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. It was... What was the worst of Vietnam?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just losing thousands of fucking dudes. And then why did it all fall apart? Why aren't we boys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it sucks man. America got pretty lucky. But, now, it is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, but I, I guess you're right, but I'm thinking of like, there's definitely dudes that have their hands closer to the levers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even being alive like 30 years after that is like enough to feel the effects.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Imagine this. You're talking to your friend on FaceTime. And you go to change your pants.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And your penis is harder than it's ever been. You say, excuse me, you don't want your friend to see that. But as you turn around and pull your pants down,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your penis goes into frame on the FaceTime and your friend's mom just so happens to come over her shoulder and goes, who are you talking to? And she goes, what the hell, that guy's hard. She's a medical professional. She goes, I've never seen anything, I've seen anything like this in my 30 years as a medical professional. She said, what the hell's that guy doing for his penis? And you say, ma.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's been eating heart and soil. And again, I'm not saying it's gonna get your penis that hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I take them and I'm 36 years old. I'm not supposed to get hard anymore. I'm not even supposed to like girls anymore, but I still love girls. Are you ready to feel like a man? Eat some organs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beef organs are the most nutrient-dense foods on the planet. That's why they're called nature's multivitamin. Babe, careful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hardness oil is helping people reclaim their birthright to radical health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just gave a very good personal endorsement. Again, I can't guarantee you to get hard because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might not like girls and I can't help, they won't make you like girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you like girls, well you know, or whatever else people like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let heart and soil reclaim your birthright to radical health. Go to heartandsoil.co and use code drensh- Why'd you stop?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you've had a long day and you want to unwind like a grown up who happens to be addicted to nicotine because they didn't listen to their parents when they were younger, grab your favorite Lucy gum or nicotine pouch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out all that Lucy has to offer at Lucy.co. That's Lucy.co. Use promo code drenched at checkout. And if you're a listener from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Canada? Never heard of it. You can now get Lucy at ca.lucy.co. Warning, this product does contain nicotine, and nicotine is an addictive chemical.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit lucy.co and use that promo code drenched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what possessed me to do this, I did an absolutely pretty evil thing to my dad, we were talking, and he was like, talking about one of his bros, and I don't know, just in the moment, I was like, as he's talking about it, I'm like, yo, is that guy gay? He's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck is that funny? I'm like, it's funny. It is funny. It's so funny. You got your dude off guard. Dude, I'm telling you, if he's talking about any of his bros, be like, yo, for real, is that guy gay? The old fucking melt big. What the fuck are you talking about? Cause they instantly go, what the fuck? What the hell is going on? What's happening to me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, they, the first season they had a guy getting his ass eaten. Like, graphic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like a cliffhanger where it's like, you're waiting. I was like, I wonder what's happening. What episode was that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, that might, that is currently I think the funniest show out. White Lotus might be the funniest show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Cut it out. Dude, the guy, the guy in the first episode in front of the other dude's wife putting a bathing suit on, like showing her his ass made me laugh very hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Went silent and passed. Good. I thought it was a full frontal dong. Like up front hammer dressing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, you see this guy, you see the guy from the Divergent series, Penis. That sucks too because that actually is, I believe, that's a celebrity crush for my wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She actually does like that dude, cause he likes, he's in like a, he escaped from like the craziest route.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I don't know. Probably, well, if I should freeze, when I go home back home, I'm gonna analyze and freeze it and just like match skin tone. Yeah, that was, I mean, but did he work something up is the question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gotta be pretty, uh, you know, pretty annoying. He does play- I was- I was complimenting his acting, I was like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, for sure. Well, Francis had taken like more martial arts, cause I know him more from the Divergent series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying, did you see the Divergent series? Of course not, Matt. What? No. Number four? That's his name, he's number four. Yeah, dude, he plays like- Wait, what is Divergent? Diver- yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think my wife is fond of him, and she made it known, and then it was like, I'm fond of him. She said in the very beginning, I mean, I like his undying allegiance in the Divergence series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's honestly a good move. I mean dude, I've talked about it a hundred times, but I can't imagine getting so ramped up on the internet and being like, I'm actually showing up to the political rally. Like dude, when they were showing the footage of Charlottesville, it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, just watching like, just, there were just nerd particles bouncing off of each other. They just like grab trash can lids and collide. It's a shame. It is honestly, it is a shame, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just colliding, it's a shame, it's an, it's an honest, it's a really- It has died down though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Proud Boys had it, and that got crushed. That was like, uh, you know, they had their thing going, that created a power vacuum, and now I think the Flint man came in and started filming it. I think people just don't- That's old though. Is that old? Yea, I don't think people give a fuck about it really anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People were struggling before and then they lost literally like everything and had to, they had to sit in their home completely unequipped to like deal with their thoughts and feelings and had to stop and they were just, and then you know most people lost all their money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brittany brought up a decent point in terms of the student loan relief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She postulated a theory, and I actually think I agree with her, that it was all a ruse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They go, cause what they did, they signed you up. They approved everybody, by the way, for student loan forgiveness. And then they sent you an email, like three weeks later, being like, ah, we were so close to giving, like, knocking $20,000 off these fucking Republicans, blocked us, and it's like, there's no way they're lawyers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was bullshit. I think they knew that it wouldn't happen. This is the nonsense, dude. This is the total nonsense. That's why we should go full Jubilee. They should do a full Jubilee. Just be like... Dude, it's a good move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would be like, let's jubilee. When, when? Like 600 BC. Yeah, there's like 10 of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, imagine you're trying to track down your money. You'd be like, where's that guy again? I'm like, yeah, he moved. He's gone. He's a mile away. We'll never find him. He might be dead. Yeah. Yeah, dude, the uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could wipe out student debt. Like the economy wouldn't collapse. I think it might.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you think about it, if you think about it, you might complain about your student loans, but if you think about how rich that makes our country, it's like, how about you just shut the fuck up? How about you shut the fuck up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shane, let's, let me tell you about economics, dude. And then if you, if you give your money to the right rich people, it trickles down, bang on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, I don't think, I'm telling you, I think it's gonna be just, it's all gonna collapse, it's starting to collapse in terms of just total nonsense. And hopefully, dudes are gonna be able to, well, I don't know, the internets have been, or the, the schools have been kind of like dragged into the whole thing. If there's like schools that come out and they're like, dude, you have to learn how to literally ignore all this stuff. And just start a fucking shoe shop or something, dude. Just make enough money to pay your bills. And chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you're telling me the dudes with trash can lids or the black block anti-families?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we'd have to get like bombed. I guess if you get bombed, you get pretty charged up to where you're like, you know, if I get in there, I'm not saying...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't like the thought of that very much. It's like, I'd like to have some part of me live forever or somehow, you know, and then it's like people just stew under the pressure of just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] videos of like, there was a, it's like old like videos from like the 50s of like, like basically talking people away, this video was the threat of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just like groupthink and how people fell into the nazi party. It's pretty sick. And they're like these old videos and uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, this fella makes a lot of sense, and he's basically like the Ku Klux Klan. Yeaah. And this guy from uh, I guess like Austria or whatever is like, don't believe him! And they go back to how like the Nazis came about, it's pretty sick. Damn. But yeaah, they're just dudes who can't handle their lives, man. It's so perplexing and bewildering to be a human being.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you're just sitting there like, frustrated, and you have no way to like navigate it at all. You're sitting there being like, frustrated, just terrified at every turn. Some dudes like, here's the plan bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you have a picture of this? Wait till you see this. That's a disturbing, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, a Hillary Clinton pantsuit is a crazy fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was really funny, in the film they showed like, like, how the Nazis were just like German dudes with regular lives and the guy shows up, the Nazi thing to his family, like his wife and his kid are there, his wife's like, what the fuck are you doing? He's like, oh, you should show them all you dare, I should call the fucking cops, how dare you fucking question what we're doing? He's like, I'm about to take us to the top. There's like poor dudes who are just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blacks are like, they stink. You're the Aryan guy. Let's go. Germany is in your hand. You're gonna rule Germany.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, it is like if you let someone grip you from the worst parts of yourself to command you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, that must be the real thing. That's the real lesson no one's learned. If you're watching a thing and like, you feel yourself getting kind of angry and vindicated, just shut it off. You're being tricked. You're literally being tricked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what I was laughing about? Uh, did you see those Balenciaga shoes? The real crazy ones that almost look like cleats? They put out a wild ass fucking show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was laughing wondering if the fucking, if, to see if a pedo could get past Chris Hansen's defenses. In like the high fashion Balenciagas dude. They look like pedophile cleats. Some dude sent me them on Twitter as a foolish fucking thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's another pair too that look a little, they look almost like you're walking on basketballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then I go, was that, was that like a thing, just a, is that like some weird, that's, that's the question I ask. Is there people on some next level manipulation where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a ploy just to get everyone pissed off. Cause imagine that, like these guys start to die down, you just, you just fucking goad them with this shit. There's a pedophile document on the bottom of a Balenciaga thing, like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did that get passed? I read this one thing where it's like, a company like Blenziaga


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were like, ah, our fucking photographers were wilding out, but it's like, your whole thing is on brand and image. And the thing I read was like, there's nothing gets past, like, multiple levels of a company whose whole thing is their image. It's their whole thing. It's just a fucking shoe. But they have this whole image they built. It's like, oh, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's no way that got passed where it was like some horny photographer was putting in like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well dude, high fashion, the job isn't to appease anyone, it's to challenge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's uh, that's the one thing people can't deny, that like the purple bowl cuts, as annoying as all that was, they did face, they did make a bunch of old white dudes have to like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just face one little thing like, yeaah, maybe I shouldn't, I can't say that or this. It's like, it's not a totally bad thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's, all their solutions to everything are ridiculous and unworkable, but everyone might kinda like... Yea, I guess...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I could see that. Not, you know, people can't temper themselves. Guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna, like, I just did stand-up comedy in front of my wife's family. I'm not likening that to like World War 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My thing is, like, if I were to- It's one thing to fail in war and do a holocaust. Double shame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like it's like to lose and like to have like, be like, oh, and then try, what do we do? We try to just turn into Wraith.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's done what you did. She's been fighting for control of resources like a decent person. Yea, she was yea. Trying to exterminate a race.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, but they tapped into like, enriched plutonium.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, dude, come on, man. I was just kidding around about bombs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it sucks. I think that is the case. I think most people are just trying to live a normal life and like, not be completely subsumed by the darkness that grows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stronger in their heads every day with each passing day. Gosh. It's like, ughhh. But yea, it's, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a shame. The Romans were sick, dude. They were just farmers. No, they... Initially.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People need to get back, it's true, but people need to get back to the thing of like, what's their own personal farm they can tend. That was the guys, those Roman guys, you can be like lords and dictators or like, take me back to the farm. Take me back to the farm, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sack the greeks. Dude, that book, the history of the world in six strings, is good. It's not the most in-depth history thing, but it's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty sick, dude. They talk about how the Romans conquered the Greeks, but then there was this one guy, I think Cato, who was like, dude, the Greeks conquered us. Their culture, we like conquered the Greeks and learned their culture and it completely just degenerated, like we just degenerated completely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hopefully it won't take me too long. You adopted the spud microphone technique. Yes. Spud should patent this dude on his chest. What a symposium that was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they can be, the Christmas tree lit up can be a sinister instrument when you're not feeling well. I've swallowed that living symbol myself in my darkest hour and just cried in my kitchen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this woman got on an airplane, she was from the South.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wanted to start a conversation with the woman from the north. So she says, where y'all from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the woman from the north sort of looked down at the woman from the south and she says, Where I'm from we don't end our sentences in a preposition. Oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The woman from the south turned to the woman from the north and she says again, where y'all from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't say the first part. Dude, fuck, shit. I'm sorry, Shane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy that you, uh, nickname things in your house that you reference on a daily basis. Budplug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was like, multiple times in my grocery store, I saw a guy, he would come in, you know, in a Stormtrooper mask.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were just ahead of their time. That shit's gonna come back. Probably. Putting boxes on heads and putting people in tiny boxes. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's like, when I take my sweatpants off, it's like where the monsters came out of the pacific rim.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what part of the year do you celebrate Puerto Rican eyebrows?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might pull one pant leg up and go 1990s fuckboy. Ooh. That'd be pretty sick. Spit something. What would you spit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, I'm just trying to get us all together so we can have a good time, know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I do, but I'm too, like, I went too old head the other way, like, I kinda like, uh, I chastise fuckboys now, and I hate that about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, it's like I wore these fucking fuckboy sneakers today. I think that's what's happening. Ah, it might be. Those are fuckboy sneakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I like to come home and like mention all the chances that I could have flirted to my lady. Like listen, this is, I'll let this slide, I'll let this slide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would just say, girl come on, stop flirting with me girl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need photo evidence to show my lady. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well see, that's the thing, when you have fuckboy tendencies, like ladies know, they don't know that you're out of the game. They see the fuckboy tendencies and they're like, they're looking at you like you're a slut.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my favorite one is the starter that a lady will try to do. Uh, like you'll be walking by her and she like, she sees the fuckboy in this and she wants to start the game and she'll go, mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? Yeah, she'll look at you and be like, uh. You get catcalled? Yeah, you don't get-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Poetry. Poetry in motion, baby. Well, Hoes and Housewives, which, very similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You know, like most, a lot of housewives wanna be hoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like when you see like, like, uh, the fitness housewives that are like showing cleavage and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were on a show at Helium, like we had, we both had good sets and they were talking to us afterwards and they asked us where we were going next. It was a Thursday night. We went over to Raven, they followed us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She would like ask me how many dance, how many girls I was dancing with and like, you know, what they look like and like how I approached them and shit. Like she would like, she was a big pussy auditor.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So schools, like until the- I don't remember if school started on a Monday or Tuesday, but my mom partied the whole week. Starts on Monday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I do want to throw you this just to see what you can have fun with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't allowed to talk to white girls at that age. My mom would've crushed me, right? Uh, but my- there was one year-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, I didn't even recognize this as a sex talk. It was like, later on I was like, it was like the fugitive. I was like, oh shit, that was, that was, you know? But she was like, when you're, when you get older, and you're with a lady,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Always remember to do the foreplay. Like, that was a direct quote. Always remember to do the foreplay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it was like in high school and this fat chick was, uh, talking about, uh, uh, like a, like a popular football player who was like getting a lot of pussy. And she was like, man, that nigga probably won't even do foreplay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm working out so much right now, I gotta keep up. Keep up? Yea. Keep going, keep that D hard. Dude, I'm turning it on pussy everywhere. Yea dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a full blown pussy hunter at all times. My number one priority at all times was to get pussy. Actually, get new pussy at all times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, no. They weren't like, uh, they weren't on my schedule. I was fucking with their schedule. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I was like, whenever they were free, I would miss a class again. You spaz for pussy. Oh for sure. Sounds like you overdid it. Yeah, I definitely overdid it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I wasn't going to any of my classes and class participation was a part of the grades.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so and I wasn't, I thought that I was gonna be able to just like fuck with the syllabus, read the stuff, and then like ace the exams, but that was not the case. So I was like not going to class, and I was fucking up the exams, and it was, you know, got a lot of pussy though. That's tight. Yeah. And didn't eat any.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was only, I was fucking like a G at that point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In high school, I hooked up with a prodigal slut. So she taught me how to finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she was just like, this is like, listen, she was like, you're gonna be...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A great man because of this. Because of fingering. Yeaah, she taught me how to finger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there was a chick that I dated in high school, I got a little started there, but I didn't like, I wasn't a pussy eater, I did it before, but like when me and-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, when Ainsley and I got together, I was like, I was dining on pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Check out, check out David James' fucking comedy special on YouTube. It's called What Had Happened, although I wish he would have called it Kidnapping Season, no big deal, I'm not gonna argue with you about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and y'all ask it again on Instagram, check out my athleticness. True, those videos have been nasty as hell. Yeah, I'm trying, I'm trying, I gotta do something with it before I lose it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Cause like, I would hate to like turn 50 and not be able to do this shit anymore. I'd be like, man, I didn't have any fun with it in my 40s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I should also tell you guys to check out 2 Jack Bros because we're about to start doing repeat guests on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I think that's the way nature set up. It's nature set up in cones.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pinners is a very classy thing to get, like, very skinny little joints.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, way too high. But yeah, so alright. So, but no, I, I, you know, that's a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I guess, cause then the rest of it's a downhill slide. I'm thinking about all the times I've stepped out of a wedding to conquer a cone and come back in. You start, you're in a parking garage, you got through the first part, you're going like, oh my god, and then you go, I got this. And you walk into the wedding, you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting so high at a wedding is so fun, dude. Yeaah. So fucking fun. Yeaah. Drinking's, I mean drinking's fun too, I guess it's fun too, but dude. Getting way too high where you're like the only person excited about the cheesy lights from the DJs. Dude, I'm fishy. I'm officiating in April. Oh my god. You're officiating?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the move? What's the plan? I know you have something up your sleeve, dude. Are you going religious? Are you going like fucking atheistic love based? How you doing it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know what you're supposed to do. Did they give you parameters for like, or are they just like, just rip it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is dude. I mean again, a lot of people I feel like say yes to that because they're like, finally, this will be like a meaningful kind of thing and then they kind of chode their way through it where they're like, oh, oh good. You can get so mystical dude. Oh yea. You can get, oh my, I'm so fucking excited. Oh yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might wear a cape, actually. Dude, you should do a barefoot. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drip by drip? Yeah. If you were to latex bodysuit that would be nasty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you guys gonna Google like a wedding program or like what's the move? I'll ask what they are expecting me to do. You have to sit down. I was testing you first move. You gotta say guys, what do you guys want? Yeah, I'm a vessel of your love. It's all about them. You guys are gonna fill me with you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but dude, you have to just get real intimate. Be like, guys, you are gonna make love after this. And just imagine me between both of you. My ghost body, obviously. Neither of you are penetrating or feeling me. My ghost body, right? Like Patrick Swayze. I'm between you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You come out like Pan, dude. Oh, you better not. You better not. Like the devil from the pick of destiny basically.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Travis Berk- Travis Berk- Travis Barker definitely got his wedding ramped when he married. Who'd he marry? Like, Kardashian? He married a Kardashian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Interesting. Yea, right? You know what I'm saying? What a taste!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Can you say, can I see the bridal shower? Can you say, can I just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah it is. You know what I mean? It is. Like who did you pick? And you go. Sometimes it's non-stop knockouts and you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. I need to know the sexual history of all the brains.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, this is one we came- I'm excited for love. I'm excited for you to do that. That'll be very fun. I almost want to come and look and watch. I could probably get you on the guest list. No, no, no. I would never do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, what the hell is going on? This is a race against time. Oh, it is. This is a race against fucking time. The alarm should go off. Fine, we have plenty of time, dude. I know, but dude, did you ever hear about a ticking clock?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think something's gonna happen, and it might be loud and shrill. Mmm. And say, guys, the alarms might go off at any time. Why the fuck do they gotta test the alarms? You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're taking that from me, I don't get to escape. Actually, I guess some people don't escape, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just be like, guys, I just want the time you got. Yea, I can do it. I'm like, paying your fucking salary. I'd love tax going, pfft. My taxes pay your salary, dude. Yea, it's time to do a fire drill. At my house. Sorry I called you and I stood naked in the window, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Help! Help me! Damn, imagine that if like you, there was like, there was a blaze situation and you kinda panicked and a firefighter like pulled you and your wife out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, yeaah, that would be, if a fireman came in and like pulled you out and your wife simultaneously, I think, I think it's kind of over from there. Mentally, there's no coming back. Yeaah, there's no coming back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah man, I, uh, I'm such a grief for dude. Cause I've thought about that before, like could I hold, like do they have like groups for that? Like families who experience like death of a kid. And you go into like a church basement and there's just a dude in like the oldest sweater. Being like, yes, yes, tell me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you handle that grief circle? Could you be a grief, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's people who are strictly grief counselors, and it's just, it's nothing but death. And you sit there. You have to have been touched.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know I've heard that there is a sort of thing in that world where it's like People do get kind of addicted to the suffering by proxy because you can kind of tap out of your own problems every day


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, what happened? Oh, that's terrible. And you just completely, you just tap out of your own problems for like nine hours a day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they were, you know, I think it was a situation where it was like a parent with like very very limited intellectual capabilities. Were these white parents? No. No. No, it doesn't matter, but I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you had to suss that out, you went, something stinks here. The guy's clearly fake crying amongst like the throes of real grief and agony and you're like, wait a second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do it. Okay. That's where I stand. I think that's fair. If it's something like fucking super heinous, the family should get to go yes or no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, it's, uh, Brittany said that before with pedophiles, just like, just test shit on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's like, alright, boom, you're done, and now we're gonna test stuff and give them a, I mean, not that like a money matters, but it's like, there should be, they should be a high ticket thing where like, you know, Pfizer or someone has to pay a lot to test, all these people in the family gets the test.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, you're saying like if a civil case like, like talking about money matters? Like a lien?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I don't know, they should test, they should for sure test on pedophiles. That's one thing they could do. Like pedophiles- What kind of stuff do we even need to test anymore?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh true, now they fake, yea, cause if you listen to like, during the pandemic, if you listen to like, Power 99 dude, those, they were blurring the lines of like, commercials and news, where it was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're like, I'm leaving this place. I gotta drink to keep my HBL up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about just giving them a taste of their own business, dude. Yea, that's what you have to with pedophiles. And calling a crowd from a gay, he's like, I'm not sucking these guys' dicks, I'm doing martial arts. I'm rubbing his nose in it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, what if you, oh, how do you guys like it? You dressed, you got like advanced makeup to look like you were 150 years old. How does it feel to be way younger? 37 year old pedophile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it just shoves stuff up their butts. Yeah, I mean, just for good ma- yeah, just, just, like, yeah, we're measuring your brain waves and it's just like- We're seeing how many batteries can fit in your rectum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't do one good thing, dude. Every good deed's unpunished. What if a guy did order 10,000 hot dogs at midnight? Like, that's gonna be so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was pizza? Pizza I think was just, I don't know, I forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, really. Pizza might be Hollywood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was so funny. That was so fun, dude. For like two years, leading up to COVID. It was just like, the storming pizza places. Obama ordered 800 little black kids into the White House. Whatever came of the uhm- You can talk about it now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there is a shot, to be fair, there is a chance that that's just like a gigantic


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so fucking funny. Worst case scenario, well, worst case scenario is all true. Best case scenario is all false. But it's like, let the people have a good time. We're living a free democracy, dude. We're having fun. It's part of the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's part of the game. It's part of the game dude. Toughen up, grow some thick skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was I fucking researching? I think it was something about clothes. And I don't remember, I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just give me this one. Give me that my origins are harmful for some reason. I researched, I googled it. I wish I remembered why. But it was like, what do, what...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What clothing, how to dress that's attractive to women.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the hell man? I wish my memory wasn't failing me that way. I think your memory is doing just fine. No, there was something I was looking up where I was just like, I wish I could remember it. And I was like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Winter jacket. All day, every day. My wife dresses me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Turtlenecks is fine, she hates turtlenecks. But to be fair, I have gotten, this is a thing with, maybe you've experienced this in your own way, but it's like, I have for sure taken like, obviously taken like, you know, gifts and like, you know, wear this, this will be cool. So I get like, they'll make me kind of like Black Eye Fly, in a point where I'm kind of like, the power is too powerful for me, babe. Take this buttoned up sweater turtleneck all the way off me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's bought me stuff and I'm like, oh, I'm like black eye fly right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be all me. That would be all me, but I'm telling you, my ex-wife one time put me in like a linen button down guaya barro, which is a guaya barro, it's like a four, a button, a button down short sleeve with four pockets. And I remember being like, pushing the limits of like, my brother said I look like a Cuban drug lord. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever, what's the fashion, what's the fashion stuff you get? Ah, I don't, I don't do fashion anymore. I'm out of the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying, but what do you do, how do you handle like, cause it's like, you know, cause there's like the, you have a bunch of like, collective forces, you have like the black fashion, white fashion, but then you have wife, husband, so your wife, white wife is going like, that's what you're wearing? Can you be like, do you have any idea who the fuck you're talking to? Like how do you handle, like that's what I'm saying, like how do you handle it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, man, that, uh, yeaah, I wonder, I get the pressure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, now it doesn't bother me as much. I don't care. You guys like matching? What do you guys do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mmm. Bro. Mmm. Is it Willow? No, Willow's a daughter. What's his name? Jayden Smith. Dude, I'm saying all of our families need to get Jayden. It's just to walk in and be like, what? This is me now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I mean, you would kind of steal a show, which would be unfortunate. Dude, going back to officiating, have you thought about half suit, half dress?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, I get it. I'm a big pussy. Brittany makes fun of me all the time. I'm like, we're not watching this. She's like, don't be fine. I'm like, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a big baby about that. Danny, can we please clip Matt saying I'm a big pussy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was re- I was watching something else, it was in like a Google hole, and I went like, I was like rec- it was something about someone being fashionable, and I'm like, where- what even is, like, what's the thing? It was like, the way-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, what even is, there's just a couple branches, dude, there's nothing there, it's gone, dude. My brain is a fucking cliff. My brain's square, and stuff just falls off of it. I have no idea. But I remember I was like, trying to think, like, what even is, like, the acceptable, like, what's the move now? And it was, it was just suits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did like a shrink down map of like the things, like the way women are searched and it was like a big eyed lady with a small waist and a humongous butt and tiny feet. Cause that's like, that all ties to like reproductive traits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't know. I, dude, I wish I had a good reason. But either way, let's Google what a, yeah, what's a guy look for in girl. Dude, actually let me do this. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On men. That's a good one. I'm gonna ask the chat GPT at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was one, this is what it was. I was finding people also asking, I was clicking those. Yeaah. Style of clothes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, a suit that fits properly, rolled sleeves, chinos, henleys, yes. V-neck sweaters. And they even brought up mankles, which they like to see men's ankles now. Your mankles, dude. Gross. Yeaah, man. Dude, I mean, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could be us, dude. You're wearing a bow tie? With a flannel shirt? This is what we're, dude. That's a tight shirt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was googling this because I was just curi- create taste in shoes. Was he wearing a watch?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, yeah, obviously dude, leather wristband. You have to basically become a huge pussy, you know what I mean? Like it's just, although I feel like if you dress like this, you're also signifying that like you can beat people up because you're like, no one can make fun of me. Oh, they're just, these are just dressing like billionaires.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, you have to just look like you're rich. Mancles dude, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mancles look at that just I'm wearing obviously on biz cash, but I got the chucks on dude. I'm showing my manacles. Okay


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was, he got convicted and got sentenced to the death penalty, but then he died in 2013.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna start going there, just like not wiping my ass for a week, and just being like, I don't know. Just putting it through hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You ever think about how many like chickens, like you ever stop and think like, whoa, think about how many tires exist on like cars, like worldwide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then think about like, those are always just on cars, right? But think about how many times you eat chicken in a week and how many chickens it takes. Like world, like imagine the quantity of animal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How many fall? They just, how many there have to be. Like the scale of chicken production is one of those things where I think about it and I get sent to outer space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. It's fucked up. And then you think like, whoa, that much gets eaten every day. Every single day, dude. Whoa. Just munching them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's, I don't know, I think it's just a problem, which is gross.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They do seem like they're designed to like get scooped up and put in coupes. So it probably is like a symbiotic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, otherwise they're just like outside getting scooped up by bigger animals constantly. Oh yeah, they're munched. That's the only reason they made it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They also have to be having- They also probably have some sort of honor bound duty to be delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So when you end up eating like delicious chicken, that chicken's like, this was the ultimate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's possible. This is dude, this is, I've completed the karmic loop, I can exit. Exit chicken world. That's gotta be tough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't do this. I swear to god. That's, this is one of my biggest spurks. What is it? I have a dream video game idea. What is it? I don't want to say it and get it stolen because it's true. Okay, don't, don't. I won't, I won't, I won't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, alright, can I tell you my ultimate video game idea? Are you sure? Are you sure it's safe? I feel like, yeaah, we're on the Patreon. No one here is gonna fuck me. Yeaah. This is dated and stamped so I can sue them if they steal this idea from me. True, true, copywriter. Because this is such a rich idea, you'd have to take the whole thing and people would know. Here's my idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a five versus five multiplayer game. Yeah. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Almost impossible just to make this thing like walk around, let alone battle. And it's 5v5 esports level in like gigantic arenas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be known like top three best leggers in North America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, I wonder if every one of them has its own specialty controller. And like, information. Well, no, you can do that in the game. Yeah. But like, yeah, maybe, maybe there will be a tactile thing. Maybe this is bigger than video games. Maybe this is like its own, like, laser tag event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, they get them over and over again. They dangle. They pussy dangle on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be a great arm guy in the mech fighting game, by the way, if that's what you're into. Pick a trajectory on projectiles and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brother. I'm fighting Poppy status and it's ruining my life. You must become Poppy. Damn. I do have a very crowded home where I'd fuck my big ass wife all the time. That's most of Poppy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's like, with his powerful black new wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This might be one of your bros. I don't have to get the name, but we met some bros. Tom. Thomas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, me too. And that's like fine. Actually, I like, my kids have every video game available in the world to them. They kind of don't give a shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, but that's also like kids who, uh, their parents are uninvolved. Like your parents are involved in kind of like activities that you have on the docket. Like consistently you're going out together and shit like that. That makes sense. But if mom and dad are just like working themselves to death and then like trying to drink wine and watch like HBO original series, you're kind of the, yeah, you gotta get out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually showing them video games is the antidote because there's nothing gayer than the shit that you try to show your kids. So they're just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wish it felt better now, I would do it all the time. It feels bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I also realized recently that like if you ever feel inclined to like quit video games, what you should do is just everything that every word that comes on screen in like your average video game, read it out loud in front of like someone who cares about you. It's the most embarrassing shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Say that again. So like every time there's like a text prompt, every word that you see on screen in a video game, read it out loud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was in, I had been like working really hard and like getting kind of like crushed by, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I usually have something I'm doing and then as soon as I finish it, I can go to bed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got that mentally right now. Do you? Yea, I know like past a certain time. What's your cutoff time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I would like to be honest and say, I mean I would like to say 11, but it's gotta be like midnight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm getting good at putting my phone down at night. That helps. That's the big one. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh anyway, when I took the Asper and my kids, it was like a very nice day. I've told this story on other podcasts, but like it was a very chill, good day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? Yeah, like I was going to lay in bed all day and just like listen to music and chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And instead I was like, what if I got up and made everyone breakfast and I like taught my daughter how to make like bacon and eggs and shit. And then, uh, that's pretty tight. I just stayed with them all day and like played with them and shit. It was, it was the best day ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's pretty awesome. I do get, every time I tell a story I get the comments like, part of this is a fucking degenerate and it's like, you do not understand.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like an elevation of like being a capable family man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm not. All right. The dosage is like different obviously, but like when I say two tabs, I don't mean like I was like fucked up. I just meant like, you know, the clouds were a little swirly on me, you know? That's surprising. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what you gotta do? When he comes over and he's starting his shit, you need to grab him by his collar and his belt loop and throw him down the front steps of the house.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I would say, you know what, it kind of doesn't matter because the intention is clear. She wants you to flip out on him. She wants to create a conflict. So I think I would just feed into it. That's probably your path to most pussy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but she gets to watch it and she'd be like, oh, I didn't, you know what I mean? She's like, she's watching a soap opera. She's like, ah, yes. And it's like, oh, they resolved it peacefully after some.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking sick. What an honorable challenge. Dude, she's so pretty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uuuh, yeaah. Fair point. Maybe she should Jennifer Lopez in enough.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just, I would hate for that to be the case and me not say this right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the part of me that wants the most for you would have to grant it. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whoa. You know, maybe Sydney ran out of the room. He's like, that counts as your blessing. That's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Marketers figuring out that like, Hey, if we, if people don't have kids, they have more expendable income for our specific product field, like our specific product categories. So if we sort of build lifestyles around not having children and maybe not even entering like a marriage,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they, that shifts the. You're talking about Big Pharma. That grows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I don't know what brand would benefit most from like single people having more money longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, being the man at 40 is like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking to make it permanent, this is not the best, maybe, I don't know if there's a best answer, but one option is to die in an accident getting fired out of a cannon. And then for the rest of your kid's life they have to be like, he was the sickest dude ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know. I always think when dudes get like killed by bears on the news, I'm just like, what about like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd love to get a gigantic gun for my wife. Dude, you should, that's a sick present. Yea, what if I got her a rocket launcher? Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also maybe you'll change your mind the next time you talk and just be like, ah, yeah, I've been busy a while. You know what I mean? True. There's always room for that. Yeah. Yeah. Also too, like the, but if you're like, yo bro, you're cut, that might be tough to come back from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I made fun of a friend, like a pretty close friend. I called him an incel one time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he turned into such a villain over it. Like he went full like nonstop assault every opportunity for so long that I was just like, eventually I just like, was like, okay, see you guys later. And I never went back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like clearly, you know, joking. It was, we were joshing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You used to be allowed to just not get pussy. I know, that's the fucked up part. And then they named it and it was suddenly like, like a prison break in the spotlight. It was dry spell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True, like 30% of dudes are going to be making as, as they want to do. And this is checked by like other evolutionary features, but 30% of dudes want to make a hundred percent of the children and eventually we're going to have a hot society. This is a good thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna have a hot society, probably within, I would say the next six generations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And to make it worse dude, I think it's gonna increase like demand at hand job places. So prices are gonna go up. These guys aren't even gonna be able to get jerked off anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nice. Sick pic. Yea. Some people look at it as an aurora, but I kinda look at it as the Akashic record, but no big deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So check this out, check this out. So the first, I have two of those lighters. Right? I bought one, he was like, what do you want? I was like, that one. Did he give you any like, nice? Absolutely, absolutely.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's how he presented it in his hand. Just like that. Right? And he was looking, he was like, yeah, that is, that is a great choice for a lighter. Right? And, uh, he was, he's like this, like, uh, like a feminine, he has like an effeminate Southern, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Philly accent. Wigger. Right? So he was like, yeah, yeah, that's a good choice right there. You know, it was like that voice. So then I left that later at home by accident. Went to a different Wawa.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I went to a different Wawa completely. Went to get a lighter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you bought this twice at two different places? Dude, the second time he goes, which lighter do you want? I said, give me the lighter you think I should have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think go from the direction of what the lighter that you think would suit me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, those, those like, those binders, it was, it was crazy cause it was like, it was clearly an underwater scene, but you, it also felt like they were flying through air at the same time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he gave us like a really good, if we, if we shout out, we like reached out to him and he gave us like a really reasonable price, he'd be a front runner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not even what I'm saying. We need like, uh, like is it, like what, what are the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I mean some people need to know they're not that sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Women in uniforms? Nah, just like back to the other episode. No, uhm, you know I was just spacing out trying to think, I was like racking my brain for the sickest guy ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like who would I have nominated for my life, but it was this dude, uh, not this dude, it was my, uh, my stepmom's husband recently passed away. But he was one of the sickest dudes ever. Really? Yea. He's just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This cool black guy that's really into like cars and hot rods and shit. He does, he's a drag racer. And then he was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His, like, I'm, his wife, I'm her stepson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and it's uh, yeah, he was just the fucking man. Just like the all around absolute fucking man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like in the hood there's like this one guy that calls everybody cousin, like he does it three times, you're technically related. Yeah, that happens, yeah. Yeah, what up cousin?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that was, that was an era of cuz, you know, but there's like one guy that's going around cousining them. No, I'm talking about like, I feel like claiming that's my cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her saliva was really thick. And once I found out that she was related, I was like, that's because she's my cousin. Like our saliva shouldn't be mixing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah man, it's like, it was really viscous. It was a very viscous kiss. So it was like, the second one, I kinda like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Distance right away, like the kiss didn't, I don't think it's working. Distance right away. And then later on, I found out that she was also related and I was like, I fucking knew it. What? The fucking, like, all I'm saying is this, I don't think that it's actual science, but anecdotally, it worked. That is how you can tell if you kissed a cousin. I mean like, that's all the science I got on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like every time we got together, she was trying to like get me to come up in her room. How well did you know her?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, not really, I mean, not really that well, but it was like, there was a time when my dad and her dad were trying to rekindle their relationship, so we were seeing them a lot. And it was just like- Dad gets chicks horny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, over the course of like a summer we were seeing him a lot. That gets Jake Shorty. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, she was the long line, she was like in the long line of like aggressive, like hyper sexually aggressive chicks coming at her. She was also, she was also like big.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had all that practice navigating, like a lot of the sexually aggressive women that were like grabbing me and doing stuff to me, they were bigger chicks in my neighborhood. Jesus Christ. You might have been getting bullied.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not me, dude. I'm just gonna spread out while I'm falling and reach terminal velocity right away. In this Karos. Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that, that will be- You're gonna scroll through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, I'm not gonna increase, I'm not gonna increase speed. You're gonna have the ride of your life down that crevasse. Yeah, I'm not gonna increase speed as I'm falling into this. I'm gonna reach a velocity right- 30. Like, as soon as I realize I'm falling, I'm gonna oop, boom, and that's like, I'm not gonna fall any faster than that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, cause like the gears freeze and shit. Cause it's like at a weird altitude and the temperatures are fine. True, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think one gale force is enough to topple a helicopter. I think that's how it's measured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, but the reason why a tornado is impactful is because it's all those gales are in like a small


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you spread out those gales over like the plains, I don't think it says, like I'm not worried about like a fresh gale. I'm not worried about the fresh gale.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do like, like, like, like, kinda like skinny, handsome, black R&B-ish dudes. They gotta keep an umbrella on them so they can like sing to a chick in the rain and hold it over while they're walking beside her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very, very, very. I mean, my sister and her husband are those two people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? They're like, he's like always dressed like shiny shoes, slacks. You know, he tends to wear a vest and a button up shirt a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I saw that at Lafayette, like there would be people that uh, especially if they went to private schools, like boarding schools, and they always had like a uniform that they would wear. And then when they come to Lafayette, they like, they would wear their like, like dudes would walk around on campus in blazers and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, that is just creepy, like having that much of an idea of what you want with your life in college. Some people know. Like I want to be networking on a plane, like in college, like holy shit. Some people knew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna tell me and I'm gonna be like you were playing him to be the sickest guy ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're in different worlds when you have different majors in college. You exist in worlds where you don't even really cross paths. You have to have the same major choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the reason why I have a degree in economics, so I originally went to school for engineering, right? And when I realized, nah, I was either going to be a philosophy major,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it was, uh, thermodynamics. Really? Yea. What the fuck is entropy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I'm like, nah, I'm good. I'm good. I'll stick to calc, I'll stick to whatever, whatever I can do with calc 2, I'll major in that. You know? But then, I wanted to do philosophy, but like most of my boys... What do you know about calc? How does calc 2 work? What is that? It's uh, it's like mostly change of rate shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, so one of the things that you should, nothing by the way, first of all. Really? But like, most of the problems that you're calculating, I guess if you're trying to, like uhm, so you would be able to calculate


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like where over time, like an hourglass, like being able to calibrate an hourglass is calc 2 shit. So at the rate that the sand is dropping, like where are the levels gonna be, you know, at this time, like that's calc 2. What a fucking waste of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so here's the thing, they want to have, you know, it's a private school, it's a liberal arts college. So they want to have black people in their engineering program. So like, I'm trying to tell them how retarded I am, while they are trying to convince me that I'm not retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, they were just like trying to like, well, you know, suggest, like, do this tutoring, or do this, this, that. It was like, they kept trying to give me alternatives to make me not retarded.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that's what I was told. I think I hit my wall. And I brought that up. I was like, I think everybody has a limit with math. I reached mine. And they were like, nah, you can do more. You can do more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know man, cause Anne's like, my wife is like, brilliant with that shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was. The math drop. Yeaah. It was like the mathematical obligation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, damn, it's just like supply and demand curves, the fuck with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they were like one of the things that stuck out of my mind. They were talking about like on Amtrak, somebody came, some brilliant businessman came up with the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause like everybody was like crammed in the trains. They were like, let's just remove every other row of seats so people can stretch out their legs. And that was huge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how Amtrak started? Yeah, so like, well, I mean that's how they, that's how they became big passenger train people. They were the first, they broke away from everybody else, from all the other like train corporations, because they went with comfort over cramming everybody at a low ticket price, so they could raise their ticket price, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the comfort. And people were like, I'd much rather be able to stretch my feet than save a buck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're going back now. Are they? Yea, they're going back to like, less space now. But with the still raised ticket prices.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they released his commercial, he was like, aww dammit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You were so afraid of your pants being too short that you went way too long. It was terrifying to have pants too short.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a lot of broken up stuff. Yeaah. I don't know that ever in my life I've had a pair of pants that went the right length.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is one of the things that your parents just pray as a phase. They're like, no, please God, let this be a phase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Baggy clothes was very shut off mom and dad energy. And that's what we were all about. Yeaah, that's what we were about in the 90's dude. For sure. It was all shut off mom and dad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro. No one respected adults, even the good kids. This was like, remember these? Yea, the bad kids were like, suck my dick adults, and the nerds were like, Yea, the nerds were like, parents don't know shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I also thought it was kind of brave. I thought it was kind of brave when a dude looked like he was wearing like, a denim wizard costume.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I mean dude, it's... Normal dudes were just trying to completely hide their form. Yeah, true. That's all you're doing. It was gay to show your human form at all. We were like Muslim women. If anyone saw your figure, first of all, you were either fat or it was gay to show your figure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If space goes on forever, then you wouldn't be able to name it. It would just be the concept of everything. That's what space is. No. That's what space is, dude. No. You wouldn't be able to put a word to it. If you name it, then you've put a limitation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If space goes on so far that there's like nothing in it, then it's like that's made up. I'll believe that when I see it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My compliment. Okay, well, it just didn't come off that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I guess it does get turned upside down every couple hundred years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's more holy when you get the body of Christ fed to your mouth and you never even touch it. It's never soiled by your hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes your teacher was a nun. Yup. Okay. And you didn't change classes. You didn't go to like history class. You just sat in one room all day and a nun was like, okay, and now it is time for social studies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you just, I mean, if you were in a feud with somebody, you had everything about their life to use against them. Like it was so intimate and weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 14 year old. You knew 29 children. Yes. Where you, you knew who died in their family. What, like who's been arrested, who's brother overdosed, who got shot. And it was just, if anyone ever went to war, it was, it was atomic from the, from the get-go. Yeah. It was nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like in our system you got locked into like who you are at an early age and you get kind of forced into because it's just that's people's reaction to you kind of like dictate how you are and it just solidifies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty tight. I think I had step brothers that were in my class. Did you? For a good, yeah, for a good chunky year. How were they?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The wildest boys. They were probably the wildest boys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, cause you had like a bad older brother or something. I had a little bit of that. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. They were all lifers though. I don't remember many teacher changes during my entire eight years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, one of them left. It was Hogwarts. Our teacher left. Our seventh grade teacher quit halfway through the year. Yeah. Well, actually, no, I think she was walking her dog and got pulled into a tree and got injured. And when she came back, it was just... The way she described her dog, it sounded like she was walking Scooby-Doo and he was pulling her really hard. And she got like, psh, bong, onto a tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, she was out for a little bit and, um, dude, I think we had a nice substitute while she was gone. And then when she, she tried to come back for a little bit and it was just like every day she was just at her desk, like completely shell shocked. She looked like Cruella DeVille. She just sat at her desk with just like 70 year old lady, shiny makeup on. It was just like, I can't do this anymore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well, we had a lady who in my mind, she looked like Ursula. This was my fifth grade teacher. In reality, she was kind of a nice lady, but I think she purposely made herself like, she looked like, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Ursula and Mimi from like the Drew Carey show combined. Like she was a big, big like dark makeup lady. Yeaah. Just like a fat lady with dark like curl bobbed hair. Fat ladies?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I spent every day thinking about the day I'd get to fifth grade and she'd have to be my teacher. Just in fucking absolute terror. I never talked to anybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were really nasty at trick shots and we up, we went against Dude Perfect. People would like us so much more. They wouldn't care that the trick shots weren't as good. They'd be like, wow, those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I like them better anyway. You're pretty right about that I think. I think if we go, if we, first of all, if we redirect most of our energy into getting nasty at trick shots and making sick videos about it, I guarantee you,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, we can act like we're above the algorithm and like that's cool, but it's getting us nowhere. True. It's time to fully submit to the algorithm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This could take a week or two. I'm sure. A week or two of full time attempts with no distractions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, as soon as I see someone like even just holding on with their hands like I'd be that's it. I had the opposite dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be tight. God, what a commitment that would be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, workbook in the third grade where you had to just like write a million cursive cues or like one letter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it was like, I quit halfway through a page of letters one time. And what, she didn't check it every day, but she would check it like eventually. And I never even thought that she might check this book. And I guess she, I guess she caught wind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, and like, uh, it was like, she took them home, and then the next day she was calling everybody up to come get them back with like a grade in it, you know? Or like, get this out of your pants. What was the feeling when she took it, when she collected it, dude? It's a penny, dude. My heart was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drop it on the desk on my way out of class. And then the next day when she gave them back to us, like I watched everybody go out and get theirs and it was like, dude, my heart started, like I, my, my adrenaline spiked, my fingertips hurt. I remember like I could feel sweat building up in my socks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh dude. And then she calls you up and she goes, I did, this was like not a super mean lady, but she was like older with like pink skin and gray hair, like an old chubby lady with pink skin and like, you know, like a chin length gray hair. And she, she fucking,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she does like a short little throwdown on the desk and she goes,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You did not do enough cursive S's, capital S's on this page. Well I guess a number of pages, but it was like, it inspired a violent reaction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was teaching at a Catholic school in Southwest Philadelphia. I don't know if things are really going her way. Yeah, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet you that anytime that she gave you definitely like, uh, stimulated a hormone production inside of your body that aided with your recovery. I get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's probably also doing DDP yoga though. What's DDP yoga? DDP yoga by diamond Dallas page.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just getting, I mean, inflated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, can I ask you guys a question? Are either of you knowledgeable about lawn care? Yes, actually. Are you for real? Yeah. Hmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I think I do, we'll see. I just had to buy a new lawnmower and, and weed trimmer. And I'm like, am I even doing this right? You know what I'm saying? I don't know, I don't know. What you got, are you talking weedwhackers? Yeaah, I don't, I don't know, I just. What's your weedwhacker?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's on the three setting. So it's pretty high. Like halfway. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta fuckin' beg. Yeaah. But I'm just so happy to be using a new machine that I'm just like, I could do this all the live long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go ahead. That sucks. Yea, it sucks. You couldn't even create a little oasis for yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I try to spend a lot of time just doin' fires and fuckin' grillin' stuff back there. That fuckin' rules. Yea. But I wanna, I wanna like take that to the next level. I wanna make it nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got, I got Mary Jo a uh, inflatable, a Coleman inflatable hot tub that I'm going to put back there. That's the move. Which it feels weird to tell people about. It's hells icky cause it sounds like, it sounds like you're saying a weird sexual thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm with you, but that's some people's first response. And it's no dude, it's not about that. This is about doing cool stuff in the winter. You know what I'm saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, uh, with like a, I don't know, like a semi-permanent wooden thing around it. It's going to be tight as fuck dude. Even just to hang like fencing or, you know, nothing serious. That'll be nice. Probably poorly assembled enough that like a strong gust ruins property.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, okay, then I'll do a nicer one. If it gets blown away, I'll just make the next one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, when she saw it, she was like very genuinely excited. I'm like, I'm kind of shocked that you like it this much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're wearing an old cheap suit to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your hair's a little bit disheveled, your comb-over's a little bit greasy. Bro, I worked with a hot tub specimen. Oh god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the saddest fucking day in the world. Yeah, that's pathetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's someone who spends a lot of time at night just like looking at a gun on a coffee table.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You wielded my own truck against me. Like, I don't know, I can't even believe I have to say this, but you don't do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that's because if, that's because teenagers, like if you're like 16 years old and you get a job at a supermarket and after your first terrible week you get like $100 you're like, I'm retiring.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're like, they could be like, cruel. They can be. And like, stone-faced and like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, they resent, they resent your parents because everyone's parents did drugs and shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, seeing a skinny, mean-faced old lady in like a shitty cotton dress and you're just like wow, every second around this person is going to be hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From when he was a child to then, the idea of having a recliner and a color television feels like Valhalla. I've ascended to the highest realm, I could not possibly imagine an outcome further from what I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? He's been living like an alley cat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen dude, it sucks. I would go bananas, like fix your, oh, there's nothing worse than when your neighbors-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's when you started like wishing they would die. I remember when my, when my old neighbor really got annoying, I was just like, please do take him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I actually try to be more efficient with my language. And the Patreon. Yeaah, now it's time to get economic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your bluff, you'd be like, why is such a fucking bitch? You would instantly flip on this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we've, I think we've publicly come out in support of kissing your wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. That's a tough race. You can't imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, I'm definitely getting a Ducati monster, but today I was watching a motorcycle and there was a dude I, in my, in my search for this, uh, I saw a video of a guy like upgrading like the clutch or something on it. And it's, so it's these two like bros.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just doing motorcycle work in a shop and the one guy's like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instagram model girlfriend is there in like the tightest yoga pants on the planet. And like in some videos she's in a bikini and she's just like standing in the background. At one point she's just like spinning in circles.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Explain that. Explain that. Well there's a term for the type of dudes that share naked photos of their girl. What's it called? Candalists. It's like a form of exhibitionism. I think that's how it's pronounced. It's C-A-N-D-A-U-L.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also dude, your first response gets kind of like tripped up in your, uh, your brain synapses. Cause it's like, if I move the wrong way, I'm about to touch an erect penis naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now especially, what if the guy is hot? Do you think it does anything to the numbers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same, same activity, guys running at you with a hard bird. But one set of these guys is really hot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much does the typical sandal wearer have comb on their feet?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where uh, every dude gets their first nut off and like, the kinda party starts to like die down for a second and you're trying to like, keep the energy up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking about straight edge gay orgies? Straight edge gay orgies has one dude who's the most posse, and he's just like... True, true, true, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, straight edge dudes are also usually hyper progressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, you better not put X's on your hands in front of Sydney. He's going to check you. He's going to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're talking, what about- Imagine breaking edge for gay body shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right? Breaking edge? Yeah, breaking edge. Imagine like- Oh, you're edged up. You saved your seed. No, you're- no, you're- no, you're in five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have a substance for the first time cause you're at a gay bar and you see dudes doing body shots and you're like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's jarring. It's crazy that gay dudes are like sexy with each other. You have the opportunity to cut that out of your life and just come and you're still choosing to like move in a very sensual way. What a waste of fucking time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you see a dude in black cut off jean shorts with a bunch of tattoos, that's a gay straight edge guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well actually, to be super technical, you're not supposed to have sex either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Any straight edge. Is that real? That's like, that's orthodox I think. That's orthodox straight edge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your access to sex relies on maintaining your relationship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every night, very sleepy, like eyes half closed, 69.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure the Columbus Boulevard Best Buy is zoned so that only like sexual predators are allowed to use it. Like it's a Megan's Law only Best Buy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, uh, that's wrong a lot. I'm using a different system. I'm checking. And he wasn't even going to look. He was looking at like a scanner gun on his, on his hip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. And so I bought the bike standing there and had to stand at the front desk until he brought it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's really fun. You see in like the arbitrage guys. Yes, that's what it is. They do arbitrage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. True, takes the gnarliest dumps. Is there like a public bathroom shitting YouTuber?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I try to pretend I was in there pissing, like I'll like walk out pulling my zebra, like yeah, doing all like the body language of a guy that just pissed. I never wanted anyone to know I'm shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I had, I had, I unleashed liquid fury in this steakhouse bathroom six times. They're billed for it though, dude. And it was like a smallish restaurant. I had to walk through tables to get to this door that was right by the hostess stand and I had to make eye contact with this lady every time I went into this rickety old bathroom and it was like a little closet bathroom. So there's no secrets to be had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Life on the rain just gives you punishing shit. Yea dude. You gotta fight em.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The, the spittoon-esque sound of the bowl shot from out by the hostess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they have like the thing on the end of the trumpet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there were a couple times where I couldn't breathe and I was like, okay, this could be the deadly one. Other than that, I feel like I kinda caught a break for a couple days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I followed a bunch of YouTube tutorials and I made a beautiful 3D rendered donut. Did you really? Yea, it was a great, it was a great use of my time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'll never have a bigger endorphin response than a successful sick day as a child. That's a sunny feeling that you'll never get back to in your life. And I feel like my downfall will be chasing that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chasing sick days. Chasing the sick, the feeling of a sick day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. She's standing there like, uh, and?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. I'll take care of myself forever, for the rest of my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, going through, going through a log book that the teacher kept of every day, he gave everyone even like a check mark or an X mark on top of your grade. I mean like, no, that shouldn't have been an X, that should have been a check.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would like alcohol. We have some downstairs. I don't think it would.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What were you nervous about? What did you think was gonna happen? Well, normally we have like comedians on that we're friends with. So this is a little more, we're not the best interviewers, I don't think. Yeah, not masters. Usually the podcast is us just talking about like what we whack off to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, we're excited about this cause we both saw Eastbound and just acted like you for about a decade. That's perfect. How old were you guys when you saw it? Like 10? 9? So? I was like 30. Yea, yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's nothing worse, dude. I'll still watch a movie with my parents. If there's a sex scene, I leave the room. Me or my dad will leave the room. Someone will be like, mmm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but then whoever's left, if my dad leaves, then I'm just stuck with my mom. That's not good. Or if I leave, if I leave, then my parents are just watching porn together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People play Magic the Gathering around this fucking thing, you know, it's perfect, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They were all dorks, but I always loved looking at the cards. I always thought, I just liked collecting shit when I was a kid. So I was like, God, there's all these things you can collect and now do stuff with it. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I Pokemon all of them. My son's like massively into Pokemon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think he even plays it. I think they just like collect the cards. I don't think he even knows how to play it. I've tried to ask him like, what do you do with these things? Like I thought it was like a blood sport where like you compete against each other and like if you beat someone, he's like, no, we don't play like that. Gentlemen's game. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was too old when Pokemon hit and I got into it secretly. I quietly got into it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's great. It's a Gameboy made for. Yeah. My friend let me borrow his Gameboy color. It was nice, dude. Played Pokemon. Had to hide it from my parents. Cause it's devil. If my dad knew I was playing Pokemon, he'd be like, what the? Football's coming up, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Do you ever play any cool games? I missed it all, man. I mean, I like, you know, when I was a kid, it was like the birth of video games. So that was like, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the worst because like this is, this is sort of like, we have a pretty small writers room for the shows that we're on, but this is where we write and that's the bathroom right there. It's so like anytime anybody goes in there, you got to be a fucking silent assassin or else you're made fun of for the entire day. If there's, if that shit makes one noise coming out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's tough. Living with, I, Chris and Tommy, our bathroom, I just played video, I played video games all day, obviously. And, uh, the bathroom was right next to it. Tommy's, he drinks a lot, so he shits. And he's an old man, he shits like a loud old man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It starts where there's like this kingdom and this dragon fucking rolls in while they're having some celebration, kills all these people, and then leaves the prince for dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get the backstory of the guy who was the original Draven and you get that he used to travel with another partner and that partner is dead and what you find is that Draven's always sort of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like travel in twos. And that's the whole mo- the whole movie is about that. You're like, oh, they're traveling in twos. And then you don't find out till the very end why they travel in twos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it's time to kill the dragon, the only thing that can kill it is a blade with the blood of another dragon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they have to fucking fight each other at the end, uh, and whoever dies, their fucking heart coats the blade. That's what kills the dragon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was awesome too is the movie was written where it was like, the young guy, you're thinking it's his movie. Yeah. And it's not the old guy fucking kills him easily. And then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was basically not comedy. We wrote one thing together called most scariest that was about like a frat house that's haunted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A bunch of frat guys like scared the whole movie. And uh, yeaah, that was the only comedic thing we had kind of worked on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's pretty sick. And that movie never got made, so that wasn't even worth our time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, so what else? Pokemon? Yeah, Pokemon. Yeah, we did that King's, we did a King's sketch and we were like, we should make this a show. And then we were like, yeah, that was, they already did that, they did a movie about this already. We made a midi, we just made that movie. Yeah, perfect. We were like, we filmed it. Let's watch it. We were like, great. And then we got done and it was like, oh, that's that.