[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That seventh, that might have been when I became a six dimensional entity. True. When I farted while I came. Moan. Yeah, dude. Fart and com at the same time. I'm a moan fart com complex, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For the most part, people were, I would say during that, that was when, that was when I was like, damn these dudes fucking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's something to be said about like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some things you just let go of being like, alright bro, like, yea, like, I might, you know, I'm not gonna get all elitist on you, but it's like, you, you, like, what the fuck would you do?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do it all the time. When people hit me with something, I can, if you sit and think, dude, someone attacked me on the fucking Patreon. What? Well, I just did like a psychology talk with one dude, and some dude was just like, what the fuck? Give me my five bucks back. And it's like, dude, take your five bucks. Oh, really? In that moment, we're just, I was like, bullshitting with this dude. Yeah. Pretty tight, actually. I get into the whole, I wanna basically take a, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take the Shat Nation local chapter, start a moose lodge basically around Shat Nation in different, and just have it, it's not like a for profit thing, I wanna start a thing that if it can be sustained by just people coming to it and be like alright here's how much to rent, we're gonna do just like a place people can get yoked, talk, do whatever the fuck they want, like almost like a bar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a lodge, bro. It'd be a fucking- You want Guy Heaven. Bro Heaven, bro. It's Guy Heaven. So it's like a moose lodge. This is the same hide. Guy Heaven? Guy Heaven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna start like an ancient Greek...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they could come if they want, but again, if they, you know, it would just, they'd have to figure out what they want to do for fun, but it would be, I would try to have it where you could go get yoked, hang out with people, chill. With the YMCA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's like, yea basically come, evict the moose lodge. It's like, can girls go to a moose lodge? Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seen a lone bay and a VF'd up in like a fucking Elks Lodge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's what we were talking, we were talking about doing that, how like, the dude's a psychologist and he was talking about how like, he was saying how like online groups are like, it's good for people to get together and it helps people to talk and you know, blah blah blah, and we're talking about uh, I was like, I'm trying to take that into the fucking physical reality. Yeah. And have little Elks lodges that pop up where people can do stuff, hang out, chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kinda like a church, not a church. Tax-wise, definitely a church. I also want to start a thing called the Church of Weed and Comedy. Which is a comedy club and sign it up as a church.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be a space people who could smoke weed during comedy shows. Church of Weed and Comedy. You could, you could use weed as a religious sacrament. It's like the government's not allowed to forbid you to use plant matters if it's a religious sacrament. And then you could just throw comedy shows and it would just be a non-profit. All the stuff, all the stuff goes through the church and you pay out the comedians.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, 420 blaze it. Or that weekend. Sometime around then. Whenever. We'll figure it out. Dude, it could fit like 60 people or so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a new one on Front Street. There's a room that'll probably fit like 60 dogs. I don't think I have. It'd be tight, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I thought, yeah, Fire Festival was not, yeah, FYE is four-year entertainment, I believe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna get, I might buy some stock in F.Y.A. It's a cutting edge company, dude. DVDs, magazines, CDs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're all coming back. Dude, that's fucking... That guy's a genius.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. It just goes without saying. No, it's weird too with the malls. So, if you have a mall, the stores are all inside, those buildings are failing. But if you just take the mall and put them outside in a strip of stores now, like, you know, like the nice shopping plazas or whatever, they're crushing it. But like indoor malls, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you put them outside and put a fountain outside, it crushes, dude, in like a Mohs Southwestern Grill. It's, you kill it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The granite run mall was like that and a lot of the partners come, that's when the partners come. The partners move in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like they would come in and it would be like a bookstore slash like knick knack store slash like it would sell like weird like fountains you could put in your house. It was like I walked in the store being like what the fuck it was the weirdest fucking shit. I don't know how they were just chilling in this thing and I'm like dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think if you drop the rent enough, you just get like farmers market dudes who are just like, fuck yeah dude, I can set up my hologram Ken Griffey Jr. cards dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a table at the mall, and it's like post up with fucking sports memorabilia, and it's like bro, what, how?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a Ken Griffey r- uh, rookie card. In the case, lost, I don't know what the fuck it is. I could've fucking retired off that, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They come through and be like, nah dude, this beanie baby is really rare, it's probably worth like 900 bucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's, who turns this weird beanie baby economy? Like how do you get a thing and be like, no these are actually worth a lot of money? Like dude, I've never understood...collectorship.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know someone who still tries to eke out a partial living selling baseball cards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like, I-I was always puzzled by it. I'm just kinda like, bro. It's hard to watch. It's kinda scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you, yeah exactly, it was just kind of like, well you didn't make 45 bucks and it's like, uh, it's like, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know. That's just me though. I value my time there, you know. Where were we at time-wise?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rock and roll. Dude, how hard do you believe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna, I'm gonna spoil, I might throw a can of worms into the family dinner talk. Slam the table and be like, do you guys even fucking care what today's even about? Just go buy my little plate of milk and cookies and be like... You gonna leave milk and cookies out? Am I? Yeah. Yeah. You better. I always do. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually thinking the other day about like, just a kid getting coal. Like there had to have been kids out there. My dad got coal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christmas excitement. Like, I remember like waking up Christmas Eve and being like, I couldn't even fucking sleep the night before. Finally waking up and being like, yes, yes, and running downstairs and seeing a fucking lot. He must have fucking screamed. He must have fucking cried. He couldn't scream, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, something inside of him died. I mean the third lump of coal is probably like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they didn't have like lump support groups back then for kids who got lumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I had to been with all the religious stuff tied to that, that had to been pretty synonymous with like going to hell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, a year later, that Santa gave him a lump of coal. So I must have been like, what the f-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was when we got older. We go to midnight mass, come home, everyone gets a trade one present. We do like a family Pollyanna. Midnight mass, come home around one o'clock, eat some sweet treats. Some people drink a little coffee and it's like, here's all the presents for the, you know, the siblings. Then you wake up and Sandy comes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd say that's the best. Watching a little kid who genuinely thinks that-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because commercials are like, well dude I saw a lady today in Whole Foods with a shopping, like you know how people bring their own shopping bags? Yea. It's like this bag saved, this bag fed four rescue dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, what, what is this need to broadcast all this weird good word? It's so busy. Dude, I'm telling you, it reminds me of back in the day when people could buy their way into heaven through church. And now you can do it, you know, in a certain sense through like, buying sugar from Cameroon and being like, well,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You come downstairs in the morning, come downstairs and it's like kinda so early in the light, it's like kinda dark out and you see the lights and you're like, woah, I didn't see that bicycle when I went to bed. Dude it's unbelievable, it's ecstasy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is. Sheer ecstasy. It really is. You come down to the fucking, it's kind of still dark out, the lights are blinking, the elves are like, my mom is these weird ass fucking like, wire form elves that you can kind of put in a different, we used to always, we had like a wire form elf, wire form santo, we used to bend Mr. Santo over, and have the santo like, who's messing with the elves again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think some of it might be like an inside job? Like, you fucking popped our floating Santa Claus, or like our little snow, our floating snow globe. That's for you to go over. It's funny too to be like, Danny, the snow globe is dancing something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, I'm excited. I'm fucking stoked. I got Christmas spirit now. Usually, Christmas, I have a tradition where I get stoned and I drive around and look at all the chri- I go to like a nice neighborhood and look at all the Christmas lights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do they, how many candles do they have outside their driveway? Seven.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, I thought it was 12, so I don't know, fucking no. I don't know either. It's probably 8 or something. I don't know. It's more than 8. Is it? It's 12.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm still geeking out. So what happens with Hanukkah? Do you, is it just kinda like, you get a gift every day for eight days, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, dude, let them. That Christmas joy is so s- I'm still laughing about it. I mean, it has to be a conversation Jewish households- Jewish households are like, what the fuck? This fucking sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, do you remember I caught a pair of bullheads one year, dude? Wide, like, jinko leg length flare, dude, and just went into dress down day. Really? You had jinko jeans? I had bullheads.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they were like, they were of the wider leg variety, but not as wide as Jankos. You had wide jeans? I was a skater, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was a skater, surfer, snowboarder from San Diego, but of course I fucking-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She was like, if you, if you want, I'm a pain. I remember she, I remember she had like the little cartoon character on the back pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mom, all showboat. I'm all hot dog. I said hot dogging in school the other day, and somebody's like, what the fuck's hot dogging? And I explained it to him. He started cracking up. He's like, that's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. You're hot dogging. Have you ever heard of hot dogging, bro? He's like, no, I have no idea what you're talking about. I explained it to him. He's like, that's fucking hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's like being down by ten, still dancing after you get a sack. I don't understand, what the fuck are you celebrating? I mean, come on. Yeah, that's big time hot dog. I'm still, I mean again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, that's gotta be tough. I mean, you gotta have the guilt on you as a Jewish parent to like, Christmas day to be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have a choice, dude. It's so irresistible, dude. I mean, honestly, they must be kind of real at our pagan roots of like the tree, the evergreen tree, fucking the shoe out and all that stuff. It must honestly probably be a turn off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My best gift was my bicycle with a radio attached to it. Free spirit. I wanted a green- That's awesome. I wanted a green bike. That's the first time Santa slipped. I asked for a green bike, my sister asked for a purple bike, I got a purple bike with a radio on it, but I was like, whatever. I can still bump- I can still bump fucking tubes. How old were you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, I was probably like, six. I was back when I still lived in Haverhill. Wow. So that was Santa. That was Santy, bro. I remember coming down and being like, oh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember thinking like, I didn't ask for, I asked for a green, it's my favorite color, not purple. And I was just kinda like, well whatever. I was not gonna say anything. I was dude, I was still like, this is fuckin' sick. That's nice. I bust that thing around, crank fuckin' under the bridge with chili peppers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would say the dankest thing ever. The bike and the flip over remote control car. Easily the two dankest Christmas presents ever received.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, only someone who's gotten coal would put you through that test. That was a rite of passage, dude. That was a big test. Being a Christmas brat is where I might go home and brat out for Christmas. Being a Christmas brat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My mom gives me socks. My mom calls me, she's like, we're not doing a big thing for Christmas this year. Every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you- I can get you a gift- I'm like, dude, I don't want anything. Yea, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A butthole fleshlight. Dude, next time I'm asked, I'm like, I'll have a butthole fleshlight please. Please. Like, you asked. I'm telling. Hell yea. Motherfucking butthole fleshlight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might, dude. I've been getting real, uh, real frisky- I've been getting real sexual, kind of, conversations around my family. I don't think they appreciate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked into my parents and they're like, you know, like my brother's usually there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girl houses are very Dionysian, dude. You get in there and everyone's like, oh it's cool, I've dated a girl whose mom was like, I'm gonna leave you two guys alone, have fun. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yuck. Ew, I don't, what the fuck? I'm gonna get her pregnant. Yeah, exactly. This just all brings us alone. Yeah, dude, the, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I walked in the other day and my parents were like watching a movie like nobody else. Usually there's like my brothers there, my niece, and like my sisters and stuff are all like kinda there every now and again. And I walked in like real quick and they like looked over and were like woah my bed, my bed. I thought it was an empty house. And my dad was just like, dude, chill. And I was just like, eh, I don't wanna bust up your guys little date, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you, what are you trying to do here? Who are you trying to fuck with? What is that? Perfume? Calling it perfume right away is the funniest thing. Like dude, is that perfume?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or callin' someone peppy le pew. Popey le pew? Peppy le pope? Yea dude, making funny clones fun, cause then it's on you, so there's nothing you can do. Or going to the mall and walking by the tester station and spraying someone unknowingly like ten times on their back, that's the fuckin' move. So fuckin' funny. True. Cause then they walk and they're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And by the time he gets sprayed, it's too late, you've been hit. That's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick. Especially if you get like two different types of bottles. I used to go to Boscov's and spray like, you know the tester stations? I'd hit one, I'd spray like 15 different colognes on me and walk around and people would just be like, what the fuck is this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You didn't get my fucking bullheads. You just smell like a fucking like toxic cloud. You just walk around the- I just like walk around the mall and shoplift to people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck. I mean, highly conspicuous pants, putting off like an offensive odor, just walking around stealing stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full of like, cool stuff. That's like, that's the one, like, my parents, I can never buy them anything, but if I see like a tight, like, scene on TV thing, that's the way you crush your parents. They're like, woah, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you guys know that when landscapers plow and shovel, they are fucked up. When I was in 8th grade, they used to scoop me and my cousins up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I loved it dude, cause it was like, they would wait- I like saltin'. Saltin' destroys your fucking gloves dude. I like salt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Nah, give me the shovel. I would take a shovel. You have a good team. Dude, we'd put MGDs in the snow, we'd be smoking hash, getting fucked up, I would stay up all night, and then we would just, this dude would bring us back to his house, and he would get us pizza, or whatever, like, we woke up, he would get us, like, whatever for food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, we're getting paid decently, but like, dude, this guy was probably getting s- I mean, looking back on it, I was probably getting like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially when, when snow hits a certain part, like at a certain height, it becomes like, I think it's like, emergency levels, and dude the money you, the cost to plow it is so fucking much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And dude, there's like, these are like, we're like 18, 19 year old bulls dude, just out there just all night just ripping. Just stoked on $14 an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's fucking just wearing like his best tucked in Metallica t-shirt and he's all ready to go. We're like, Jax, come here. He's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he might have changed his, he might have changed to like a fucking mega death, but he probably had an alternate. But he fucking picked up a metal bat and just wung it at us, dude. I remember hitting the deck and this thing whizzed over us being like, reaction time, I was like, that's what's up. Uhm. Dude, but fucking, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so that, yeah, so then like, so we used to, like, my brother, or like, I guess it'd be like my cousin-in-law or whatever, like my cousin's husband, he was tapping us to like, we were the soldiers that would come shovel, then like, I was out of the game for a while.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, I did it a couple times for Philadelphia management, and then like Ajax secured the fucking bag, dude. He got the contract, by this, this guy's name, the guy's name who was like, like subbing out to Ajax was called like, I think like Van Helsing or something, like a weird ass last name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd be like, guys, Mr. Van Helsing said he would round us all up and we would do, we would do like a shopping center in like Fulcroft. It was like, it was just like, in the outskirts of Ridley. And it was just this like dumb fucking shopping center and there was like one bar with saloon doors that like we would all just hide and like take dumps in. So we would, everyone bullshitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, we were sitting there, and then, uh, Bob started, like, there was another guy there, and I think, the guy who was supposed to show up was like a big pill head, and like, his, Bob, my one, my one cousin was like, kept fucking with Ajax and being like, yo, I'll take his money, I'm gonna take his money, and he was like, uhm, he was saying something like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, Ajax, I fucking flipped over in a snowbank, my car's flipped, I need help. Ajax, like, Paul, I don't know why he told us, like, you watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I've never phoned it in, so we would just walk around, just like, go down, like we would like, you know, be at the shopping center, then I would like, I'll do the back steps, and I would just like lean on the shovel and just sit there and bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He'd come around like, what are we doing? Come on, we got Van Helsing's, like, meanwhile, his, like, Dr. Claw figure to make jacks. Where are we at on the fucking, on the bootlegger situation, or like the bar or whatever it's called? Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't doing shit. And there was like a couple random like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, that would have been... Snowballs of Cars is... Snowballs of Cars is the best. Oh yea. Just the release.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was on the other end of that. Yes, we've talked about this. We talked about this. Yes. My old coworker. It's an old testament.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My old coworker got out of the truck and beat the fuck out of a kid and I just sat there and was like, woah, woah, woah, this is fucked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He kinda like, he didn't like beat his ass. The kid was old enough, he was like 15 or so. My coworker got out, chased him down. Oh no, catch a whooping. It was like a slight whooping, but like a heavy whitewash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where he dug his face in the snow hard, and the kid started crying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then he's like, get the fuck out of here and don't throw a fuck. It's like someone had cracked his windshield before. Yeah, it's old.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My dad was a big force of me to apologize. Like driving me to kids houses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was more like, I remember I cried about getting bullied in like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I might be like, if I got my ass kicked I'd be like, ehm, apologies in order.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ooh, what hap- you fuckin' knockout gamed him. So what happened to those older kids?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't rat. So you just got in all the trouble? They were like, that's what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother Thomas talked, we all did dinner with him recently and he was telling me about a time he got bullied. When he was in like third grade, he said there was these dudes who were in like seventh grade, or no eighth graders, who were just torturing him. He'd get on the bus and they'd be like, faggot, faggot, fuck you dude, you're a fucking bitch, and just like, we're crushing him constantly and he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe he was in like fourth or so. He was old enough where he could like observe the social situation. He saw that those kids like weren't the coolest, baddest kids in the eighth grade. He just went up to like the cooler kids in the eighth grade on his bus. This kid like, I think his name is Tommy Smith or something, was like, yo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fucking, uh, Gary and them kept calling you guys gay. And he was just like, what? He's like, yea, every time I talk to him, he's just like, yo, those guys are fucking gay. And then he said in the research, those dudes beat the fuck out of that dude who was beating him up. And he was just like, fuck you guys. Dude, I was like, that's fucking wild. Who did that? Tom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just like, yeaah, they called you a faggot. Wow. They were like, who? They were like, yeaah. Every time I see them, I was like, I don't know. They just keep, they do the fucking, they just beat the fuck, and then he said- Sick. He went up and was like, what's up, pussies? Ehh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man. It's one way to do it. We should wrap it up. Yea, let's get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good, that's a good tri-state tour, dude. You'll be- Oh, Buffalo's pretty fucking far. That'll be- Buffalo. Baltimore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, and you can kinda, in terms of driving around to collect some checks. No, that's not bad. That's pretty tight. You're just down North Carolina, bruh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I forget the guy's name. I forget the guy's name. Uh, it's called like, uh, High Oregon or some sort of. Yea, you see, it's out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People like those shirts. Fire those things up. So I think he just took orders not too long ago on the reddit or something. Oh, okay. Was like, yo, I have the last ones, like, let's roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a sick interview coming up tomorrow or the day after Christmas on the page. Surprise guest, it's gonna be tight. Who? I'll tell you when we get done, it's gonna be fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't give you a clue, I have to tell you. I don't want to betray, I don't know what information he wants to talk about. I have a couple, I have a couple of sick interviews coming up and the one, it'll be a real, I think it'll be a really, I'm gonna do the one live. Usually I do them through the phone, I'm gonna have a dude come in and talk. Really? To this dude, this dude's a man. Alright, sick. Wild child. Sick. Yea, I'll let you know. Alright. Later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you see the things people shared of like, they had Eddie Huang, I believe, do it, and uh, somebody else were like, change the dictionary, Merriam's Webster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just ate Burger King and were like, dude, American food's fucked up. It's pretty much most people eat Chinese food and eat like, you know, places like, uh, like all of the shit on the way. You can get actual Chinese food. But, again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, okay. It is funny they give it all to the Chinese though. But then again, like when you eat sushi you don't feel fucking hungry two minutes later.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or especially like, yea, if you were to eat like Flamin' Hots, and be like, uh, excuse me? Flamin' Hots didn't cause hot diarrhea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously that gets you hard as fuck. Definitely. Worth it. Dude, honestly, what do we-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well that's what BB ladies do to lead in the cause and that. They love collagen. Really? It's like the fountain of youth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're a BB lady and you eat enough collagen, you're like... You'll be young again. You'll feel, yeaah. Your like hair grows better and your nails get stronger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, if you, yeaah, there's no, uh, yeaah, there's no love, there's no love there for rhinos. Honestly too, if rhinos were to go extinct, I'd be like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what do they, what do polar bears do through the environment, dude? I mean, I guess they keep certain, like, stuff in check, but it's like, what, penguins? Seals? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I hear anyone talk about their bellyache after the Chinese food, I'm coming for them, dude. I'll be like, excuse me?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's on you. That's on you, bro. Exactly. That's racist. Yeah, dude, my digestive system might be racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, do take that, do take Marion Webster if you're listening to this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause how could they, uh, I'm just trying to think. Like, would they have this specific- You have to be more specific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it'd be shitty Chinese food. No, no. No, it has to be bad Chinese food syndrome. Or just bad food syndrome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Popeye's, I think Popeye's is black owned. No way. I'm telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'll have, I'll have that, no. No, that one. Which, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Did you imagine? I couldn't imagine. I'd go to Merriam-Webster immediately, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, guys, we just got rid of CFS, and now, I'm seeing this, and now Papa has destroyed it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the funny thing is, is I've been to a graduation party. It was a Chinese family, and I had, like, homemade Chinese food. I remember being like, Why don't you guys just sell this? This shit's delicious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck Jane G's. Fuck Jane G's. Fuck Jane G's. Why? That's where I came up with my- I ate there the one day. It was $60. It's so good. The food is so good. It's fucking- it was like rice paper and- The noodles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, 60 bucks. I took my bay there, 60 bucks. That's good. And I finished my meal and I'm like, what did I just eat? And I was like, like an eighth of a pound of fucking salty meat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not being racist, I was just kinda like, yeaah, I can mark this off. Thai food, let's go. I love Thai food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take it out, Mariam, come on. Come on, Mariam. And if you dare to feel indigestion or thirsty after you eat Chinese food, check yourself, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly, you privileged fucking pallet dude. You gotta, you know, if your heart skips a beat or you get high blood pressure, that's your fucking problem dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny though, to still like, to still go back every single time. What? People being like, that being like, say that's like a popular conception, like, oh yea, every time you eat Chinese food, you feel hungry afterwards, blah, blah, blah. And then be like, say some Chinese food, bro. Oh man. It's so good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder about that, cause there are those like, entry for like, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's a, yeaah, so there's pad thai, that's like the thing that bridges people to thai food.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's technically named double A, I would say named.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Naan bread. I think it's naan. Naan bread.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm surprised Germany didn't issue like a Supremacy World War II game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was basically fireworks, right where you can sell fireworks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he was, yea, if he was a thinking man, he'd be like, well, if this was his, he knew you two were allies. He knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to the fuckin' fold, dude. I know, I remember mocking you for this. I do it out of impatience, I would play Clash of Clans and you're like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little seven town center? It's like, I could have a wizard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, let me get that. And then you get all this stuff, and then you gotta fight people who have all that, like you get a nice little golden period where you get to fuck everybody up, and then they level you up, and now you have people who have better shit, and you're like, oh I need the better shit, and then I was like, you know what, I'm getting tricked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's what's up. I, uh, dude, did you, uh, you know what today is, right? Come on, please. MLK day, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, did you read the, uh, there was an article on Business Insider?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, dude, I don't know who the fuck told them to put this up there. Where the- oh, I don't have it. But they, uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who, I guess has like those FBI tapes. You know they bugged his hotel room, right? They bugged two lamps in his hotel room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's hit in with Hoover's FBI report on Martin Luther King. Kind of strange, but they put out all this stuff saying like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Especially not Business Insider, dude. I feel like they're gonna be talking about something else. Cause I, I pulled it up yesterday. I was going...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was researching famous historical figures who've cheated on their wife. I'm expanding, dude. I'm expanding my act. Oh, I hear you. Working on that, uh, Ben Franklin thing. Exactly. So I'm looking, I'm seeing all these people who fucking cheated, and I'm like, that's hilarious. MLK comes up, I'm like, yea, I heard he was a bit of a womanizer. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, they're saying like he, on tape, FBI people were listening, and a reverend he was, a pastor he was with, raped a woman in a hotel room they were all in. And, but then they were like, the FBI was just sitting there like, oh fuck. And this again, this is according to the FBI.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the f- it's like, it's the most uncomfortable thing to think about cause from like, any way you look at it, it's like there's a chance this guy who was a freedom fighter was also a pussy hound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever. Yeah. But dude, they're like going into like orgies where like they're saying like he would lay on the pillow and like get real close up on pen shots and like watch his boy fuck somebody. It's so weird and specific.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, it's coming from Hoover's FBI, dude. Just the FBI body, who was like, we gotta squash this black man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But then again, it's like all the things are sealed, so no one can, so there's this thing that's like, oh yea him, yea he like watched rapes and stuff, but you guys can never hear it, cause it's sealed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they're able to just be like, oh yea, no, yea, he's a fucking... pussy hound.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna find out dude, I got the ultimate POV shot. They're gonna find out dude. This is why I have to find the article.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just friends being friends. That's friends sharing lube. I have to find this dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Martin Luther- God dammit, all the internet here. Fuck. Alright, uhm. Oh, really? I forgot to hook my- This is a new laptop. It's PA Gone Wild, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, but think about that. That's such a fucking, like, weird conundrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a weird conundrum though, cause it's like, could this guy, this like, you know, civil rights freedom fighter...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Albert Einstein, fucked his cousin, bro. Cheated on his wife, fucked his cousin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of them, dude. Yea. But again, they're saying he- Gandhi. Gandhi. He was playing with the teens, bro. He was a peed, right? We can't call him a peed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beetles. We all live on ya. Sorry. The uhm, I had a deep dive dude. I put Sid the Kid and Butterly over. Nice. I've expanded my, uh, I've expanded my, I don't know what you would call that. Your squad? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had two more people with experience. Dude, it's the simplest fucking thing. What, getting high?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You say that dude. I've been listening to a book, it's called Cannabis and Spirituality. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. Oh, excuse me. Thank you. I see the words too as they come to me and I read them. Thank you for saying it. Dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's literally how you're supposed to use it. I'm, I'm like, I come up, I didn't, I mean I didn't invent this obviously, this was told to me by-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, you're supposed, you're not supposed to, like, this all day every day, like, you know, excuse Lewis's blunt stuff there. I love him, but he's just abusing Santa Maria, dude, the fucking plant spirit of cannabis. You're supposed to just only use it, like, once every two weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you know, two weeks, three weeks, I mean again, you can do whatever you want. But if you want the maximal effect, you have to fast from the plant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No dude, that's too much yang energy bro. That's yang energy. What do you mean? Yang, dude, that's all, boo, cigarettes, the repetitive, that's yang energy dude. I'm all, this is yin. Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Football, booze, yang energy. What's wrong with football? It's a yang cult, dude. How dare you. It's yang energy. I'm yang gang, bro. It's just a thrust, not- How dare you. Yang-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not politically, I'm talking yin-yang. Yang's obviously the masculine, penetrative force. Yin is more of like the passive kind of like contemplative force. We live in a yang culture, so we have to, it's important to get yin-yang. A rape culture? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yang, dude. Is it yang culture? Yang, dude, football's a yang cult.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tobacco, anything that's like requires repetitive, constant use, that's yang.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the point of this whole podcast. We did it, so. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, hold on. Let's think about what we've got. We both, we got on Saturday Live. We both got on Saturday Live.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You both got on Alex Jones. What else have we got? How many things have we got?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Call him up. I'm gonna keep on calling for the cast right now. Yo Andrew, what's up bro?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's wiretap him. Let's record the president nominee secretly, dude. They did it to Trump. They did it to Trump, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a weird thing, it was like, how did they not get dirt on him yet? Dude, the powers, the powers that be that are digging on that guy... Dude, I, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How did f- I mean I just wonder how they haven't got him yet. They got the pussy tape. They got the pussy tape.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey bro, you're talking lawyers, you're talking tax guys. But again, he has lawyers and tax, so he's, I guess, kind of like set up for that, against that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he doesn't drink. He claims he's never drank or smoked a cigarette.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why would he not just get the best coke? Why would like a guy who's that rich snort Adderall?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a geezer move, dude. It's not. Geezers don't snort Adderall. No. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Fair. And again, if you're hanging with Young, you might have been hanging with some Young sniz, and they were like, check this out. Crush me some more of those orange things. What was that? What is that? Time release? Crush it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean dude, that is business school. You can pay like $100,000 for business school or you can just start snorting Adderall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the president and they will come in. I was like, dudes, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm saying I have too much yang energy, dude, it's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because yeaah, when you try to go too yang on a golf, the ball fucking curves out. Um, yeaah, no yeaah. MMA? Yang energy bro. Unless you do jiu jitsu. There's a lot of yang in there. There's point, yeaah, there's again, this all boils down to individuals. I mean, what do you think football is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The 49ers. Nice! Look at that dude. I watched it. You watched the sports center. I saw all the, we, uh, yeaah, we got the, some sort of sports package on our TV now somehow. Oh. We got everything. Through like the Amazon fire stick or something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who you got? Uh, I won the Chiefs away. Nice. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. I'm going to wait until they see the game. Whoever is winning, I'm going to cheer for them. Really? You got a bandwagon and a super bowl party? I don't like to cheer for the losing team. I just like to rejoice with the victory.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might get two NFC champion hats or whatever the two champion hats and literally go to someone's Super Bowl party and just stay quietly switching hats in the bathroom. That'd be tight. Dude, that'd be so funny. That's a good move.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I've been wearing this hat. What the fuck are you talking about? That'd be so fucking funny. That'd be sick. That's why I watch sports. I just wait for the victory. I mean, it doesn't matter who wins. I wait for the victory and I'm just like, Yes! Yes! In your fucking face! Babe, we fucking did it!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exactly. There you go. Yes, dude. Yeah, man. That's dude, I'm telling you, I love watching sports and seeing a victory. If you know, if you started


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yen Squad. Yen Collective. Dude, I'm literally, I'm getting a space and I'm gonna start doing this. That's my plan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, that, now that I can pay my bills, praise fucking, praise Santa Maria, praise fucking Edone, through the podcast, I'm, I'm using all my other money to start, basically, uh, like a center. That I'm just gonna, I told you, I talked about this on the Patreon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have you and Louis J. You and Louis J are my next deep dives dude. You can't get me. You have to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm telling you dude, you guys think this but there's these plants that have grown that'll literally hit you right where you need to be hit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You hit the music on, dude, it was, we did it. So the format is you do it, you set it all up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'll go check it out. I'll imbibe Yang energy just to have you do it for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I'm telling you man, it's an, so you get it set up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be fun. You're talking about a yang application. There is misuse of the plant, dude. You're talking about how...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not Santa Maria, bro. Who's that? That's the head medicine spirit of uh, psilocybin. There's head medicine spirits of all the plants. There's like a thousand spirits in every plant. But you have to find the head medicine spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I literally figured this out during the deep dive. Oh. What was the deep dive?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's an hour, so you have, I'd see the kid, butterly come over, hit them with the edibles first, chill out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you let, while that's kicking in, you sit, talk, I have a big old, real comfortable bean bag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, if they had the gummy, the gummy hasn't kicked in yet, fire up the volcano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what, the way you do it, and I learned this through cannabis and spirituality, you gotta get all the blends. So you gotta get an indica, sativa, and a hybrid. So I have six different strains. So you're like getting body highs, head highs, you're not that hungry. Full spectrum. Well the hunger will come in, but that's, you can put a little bit of Himalayan salt in the water, and that gives your body electrolytes so that it doesn't, uh, crave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm, I'm a combination of both. I like both, dude. I'm, I'm, again, I'm Apollonian, so I'm a synthesizer. So I'm right on the line of the yin and the yang. Anyway, but the, uh, so then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, dude, you gotta work with the tools you have, dude. And the volcano is nice, cause then you get the, all, like, when you vaporize it, it's a little bit different when you add the edible in there. So dude, I get them in a state of the volcano where like, things are looking a little cartoonish, and I'm like, alright guys, sounds a little weird, I explain Santa Maria, I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you have to, this is the thing, this is probably where you probably go wrong when you try to utilize cannabis. You have to set an intention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could do that too. You could do that too. I mean it would definitely be battling energies, but we could probably continue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, so that's the whole, so you get people into a state where like, I explain to them, like, set an intention, think about something you want to think about, work on, if not, just mess around. You don't have to believe in it, but just mess around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With interfacing with a medicine spirit. Could be Mary, could be Santa Maria, bro. Mary could be an emanation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, could be. Could be, dude. Again, I mean, we're not gonna talk about, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can, but again, you talk about like the, what is it, the monotheistic cults out of the desert, obviously they're harsh because their natural habitat was like not, it was pretty unforgiving, therefore their god they projected was like the manifestation of their natural habitat, but anyway, the, uh, yeaah, so, you know, that's why the Old Testament god's so nasty and a motherfucker because they were desert people. Yeah. So they're just pissed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that literally came from the deserts. Mono- Western monotheism came from the deserts. So, anyway, excuse me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yea, you set an intention, you interface with Santa Maria, and dude, when I'm explaining to them Santa Maria, they're just both, I see their eyes, they're just like, they're so fucking high at this point, they're just like, Dude, so then,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, I didn't have a mask on. Hit the lights out, took the music on. And it wasn't a playlist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Potterly came up with a story idea that might be the coolest thing I've ever fucking heard. Do you wanna share it or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I couldn't even share it if I tried. It's good. It's really cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's animated. I'll let him share it, cause I don't, I literally forget it. I don't forget, I know what it is, but I wouldn't be able to explain it the way he explained it. It's fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I was in an alkaline state for sure, but like I wouldn't say I was high. I don't, you know, I don't use like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know what you're saying. This was a legitimately very good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Google that quote. Gomes was talking about how he had an angel and a devil on his shoulder. Really? He said the angel died. The devil killed the angel. He's purely talking twisted. Where did he say that? Did he say that for real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent the entire weekend basically with Gomez. He might be the funniest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if you, me, and Beez, the one we did yesterday, if you, me, Beez, and Gomez got to do one, that would have been so much fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Telling you, dude. It's too powerful right now. It is, man. It is. People are noticing. Dude, so then, so we go, we do this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was YingYang Twins, YingYang Twins, T.I., or, uh. Was it CeeLo down there? CeeLo was down there, he's, he got HardMeTude. CeeLo Green got? Yea, way back when, he was basically Cosbian. CeeLo was doing that? He got, he was alleged that he was Cosbian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he, he, they like came out that he was like basically, uh, slipping like molly and stuff in people's drinks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He also wears a fucking, like, space ghost outfit. Yeah. So if you're hanging out with him, like, everyone's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah dude, but no, it was uh, it was cool. It was awesome. Spud rave reviews. Oh wow. Butterly Sid are now in the thing. You hit the spud man with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm doing great. Pride comes before the fall. Pride comes before the fall, dude. I'm not doing great, bro. I'm telling you, the deep dive, it's a good experience cause it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easy, it's super light, it doesn't take much out of you, and it's, dude, it's fucking crazy how if you do it properly. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That you do go into like a fucking state. It's fucking nuts. I came up with this, so I'm sitting there, they were laying down, so I'll just sit in my computer chair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I started thinking about uhm, what the fuck, it was something about like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, you know, I don't obviously, but that was a thing I had for a while. And my hard thing beeps and I was just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, adrenaline, all those other things that give you, make you, give you that anxiety feeling. So I'm like, alright, how do I get out of this? I'm, I'm in like a meditative trance, dude. So I'm, you're just like thinking, like, and you're just visualizing your thoughts. It's fucking sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a cascade of negative neurotransmitters. So I have to think the good thoughts. So I'm like, alright, I'm thinking the good thoughts, I'm like, I'm cool, this and that, I'm fucking life sick, alright, and then it was like, it's not working, and then I was like, oh yea, in order to get the actual neurochemical payoff, you have to believe the good thoughts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In order to believe the good thoughts, you have to live an honest, true life, dude. So I'm like, damn, I do those things, that's what's up. Goes away, and I'm like, fuck, I just figured it out. At least how to get, like, out of a negative mind state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you ingest her, but the, so the other, I, I was having problems with my bae, dude. We're fighting like motherfuckers constantly. It wasn't that bad, it's getting better, but it's like, we're just tit for tatting. I'm, I'm in my head like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's her. I know it's her. She's, like, I've really thought, like, I'm not doing anything. It's her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so before, like, you know, a week before the last one I did, I'm like, there's a first time I tried to mess around with Santa Maria. Dude, I lay, I sit there, I'm like, Santa Maria, tell me what's wrong with my fucking stupid wife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it was like, go do this, go do that. And then it was like, this is all kind of occurring in your head, and it's like, you guys don't do anything. And I was like, alright, well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Pretty crazy dude. So you think like, it does, it kinda just like, my friend was explaining this to me last night. It just kind of like, pushes, pulls your ego apart for long enough that you can be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then, and dude, in the book too it talks about this, how you get to like, when you get deep enough into that state.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You interact with like your very deepest base level fears, and then you get yourself through like thinking about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can literally remove them and then experience what it's like to not have those baseline fears in your head. And then when it goes up, they come back and you're just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh Jesus Christ, I'm carrying all this and you know, you can start working to get out of it. It's pretty crazy. Pretty tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My center's gonna be tight, dude. When I open that up. Center's. Center's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'll be open source, totally free franchise. This is, I'm opening a non-profit public institution. So it's just gonna be like, I just want this place to exist. So if, if, here's how much this place costs, if I can get this much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be cool. Gray sweatsuits are 100% welcome. I might put one of those, uh, opposite signs up where it's like no sports jerseys, no Timberlands. I'm like must wear sports jerseys, Timberlands. True. That'd be nice. That'd be tight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Must wear sports jerseys. That would be tight if everyone showed up. Everybody has to wear throwback jerseys. Dressed like Lisa Left Eye Lopez. Yea, you have to wear a throwback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I might do that. So yea, that was the weekend. The weekend was a fucking success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn. Yeah, wild. You think you're the DTs? I don't know. You might have the DTs, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get it every night. Wild. She comes in from like, coming, she works like a later shift and comes in at night and just comes in full blast like, ahhh, like grabbing me and yawing. I'm like, no, no, like, I'm sleeping, you're awake, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna interact with you on this level. Dude, it's like, or I'll lay down, she's like, can you, uhm, get me? And I'm just like, ahhhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said he just went down, wanted soup, they weren't quick enough with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a... I'll tell you after. Oh, okay. Why that's a problem. Um, but yea. Slide in the page and announce the fucking battle plans, dude. What's, oh, okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can keep going. I like it. No, no, no. Let's take a break. Alright, take a little break. We'll decide. We're back, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would imagine they get some snow. You would think. Yea, I would imagine they get some snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Canada, universally, gets pretty heavy snow. For sure. I imagine that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're loud in, are you loud in Canada? I am loud in Canada, what's your problem? I'm just curious, I'm making sure. What's that about? I know if you get like, you know. I never called a DUI. They, yes, I think they like, breathalyze you as soon as you go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I'm not bolting you. No good, so I can crash a Vespa? You can rent a Vespa, it's like 40 bucks for like 3 days. Bro, April. It's the funnest thing in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm gonna be... March. Give me like four months, like a little sucker fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wouldn't call it that. Little sucker. Come on. I was making fun of, I was, I'm not gonna talk about this. I got it. I was making fun of dudes who like want sons real bad, it's pretty fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's in New Jersey. Nice. That's all that, when I get my, while I get my chops back. It's in New Jersey, dude. Interstate. True, tri-state area. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 25 minute sets, dude. I'm gonna jump in. You do five of them. That's where I'm gonna get my charge back. Five? A night? No, you do like three then two. Sick. Yeah, dude. So, I'll be, if you wanna see me, I'll be at Topgolf January 31st, February 1st. Wow. Oh, if you gotta call, I'm literally gonna be playing virtual golf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] January 31st? January 31st, February 1st. I'll be there two nights. New Jersey, I'll be there two nights.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm open that weekend now. You did Topgolf, that'd be so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like the flame broiler, flame broiler whopper, does anything wrong with it? Also, writing funny news is hardly, you know, maybe the onion started it, but I'm sure there's other people. Come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was disrespectful to the first responders.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he was a cop. He was a young cop. He was flying. So he flew up on sh- You did have the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it was just happened to be a cop who saw someone jaywalking and sped towards the person jaywalking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Move to your pockets. I was like, here I have a bowl. You can even like, put it on the hood of the car.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought we could get out of the ticket. I was like, stop, dude, I think we can get out of this. They kept laughing at this guy. Then finally the older cop said they saved it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's something I'm working on with Brittany, where I'm like, you know, your whole, you don't have to be in like a series of confrontational events while you drive. It's all confrontational. It's just like a non-stop being like, what the fuck's this, why the fuck would they do it? It's like, you're in their way, you're, the person behind you saying the same thing about you, you're all in each other's way, everybody wants to get where they're going, just stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but, but. Yo, I mean, every fucking prison gang is supreme. They're very racially oriented, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If we were to let you go and you were to start calling you guys as the wood pile, you guys would be affiliated with a fucking Aryan Brotherhood spinoff. Oh god. So that's why we told you, we're not gonna let you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This dude was, it was pretty fucking weird. But his mom would give him money for like, you'd hit the snack bar. Cause the track meets were like 9 hours long.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold all this money and everyone's like, what the fuck? And you see his, you know Nick, your, your, uh, sweatshirt, like gym shorts. You have something heavy enough, your pocket just drops out the bottom of your thing. And he just had like a thing of corners knocking his knee as he jogged. Dude, this guy, so this dude made fourth place.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanna run cross country just so I can cheat like an 80's bad guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You toe the line pretty well. I try to, but I listen to it. You just, not even toe the line, you just do your thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, dude, the funniest part being like, we, us, the thought that we were in full control, like, dude, it's the internet. We can just delete any of this stuff before any of this ever happens. And like, Shane's like, delete it. I was like, I don't know fucking how. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I remember, I remember being like, dude, I remember distinctly being like, we're never gonna run out of silverware. Then all of a sudden, I remember one day there's four forks left, and I'm like, I remember like really thinking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How the fuck how is that possible? But I used to do it when I was in m- during my first marriage. I used to bring Tupperware and Silverware, same thing. And being like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have so much silverware. If I throw out one, I'm not carrying this home. I did the same thing to my ex-wife. So I remember thinking like, somebody's going to work and throwing this shit out. I did the same exact thing when I was working. And I was like, somebody's bringing food to work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Video games in reti- once the geezers die and like you're in a retirement zone and they give you the video games dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My shit was all fu- Everyone in that house's shit was fucked up. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, I remember the one night laying awake, I was like stoned before going to work with Spud. I'm watching Jordan Peterson YouTubes. I was watching the fucking, uh, the one where they do Pinocchio and they go to Pleasure Island and all the little boys are like playing around, they slowly turn into donkeys and have to go like be beasts of burden. I was upstairs and I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. I hear, I just hear people stomping down, literally as I'm watching the don- pinner donkeys kick, people are stomping the floor and I was in my bed, stoned, just like, oh, fuck. Fuck. Cause I've done beasts of burden work and I was just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a funny thing, uh, about, we were talking about Gerbies about how, and I, I used to always be like, oh man, stand-up's not even real work, like, I'm doing, I'm painting houses, this is hard work, and then like, now that I think about it, dude, the fucking anxiety of knowing I'm gonna have a show, it's, dude, like, on my whole weekend, I'm just like, fuck, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go somewhere, wrap your day up by three and be like, alright, I can just go do whatever I want. Pretty fucking nice. Of course, the, you know, the wear on the, although the wear on the shell in terms of like fucking like using your body all day, stand up here up late at night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember as I got older, I was like, yeah, this is fucking kinda hard. And I was like, this is like hard in a weird way that like, when you do a whole, like a hard physical day, you get done, you're kinda tired, you're like, it does. Unless you do it for 40 years and like your whole body goes into shutdown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think stand up dude, a lot of 40, in the 40th year of stand up, you either get like weird, kinda gay healthy, or like, or you're just kinda just like, hurt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like owning your own business. It's like owning your own business is similar.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just on a like a neurological level of all of your like weird-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember at 8pm I would get an adrenaline dump. I would be sitting there and be like, woah, what the fuck is that? And my body was trained to release adrenaline at that time. Then I remember after like 3 months it went away. It was weird. So your body syncs up, you're ready to roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spud always says that, he's like, you guys are losers, you know that right? Yea, exactly. For sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know, Ponzi is uh, Ponzi's great. Ponzi was honestly one of my favorites too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite part of that time is like you could just be such a high level grifter and just move like 10 minutes away and nobody knew who you were and you could just grift away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If like, if your neighbor gets a hooker, you don't need to know. Well, I should know that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her cousins on her dad's side were like, I saw you in the news, and I was like, good news, I hope, right? And she was like, uuuh. Not really. There was like, oh man, that's crazy, and I was like, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, yep, alright, well thanks for coming guys, appreciate you here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wood left chicken out for like way too long. So I'm like, it did smell exactly like a gas leak. Cause I was just like, he pulled it out to cook it and I'm like smelling behind the stove and I'm like yea it smells right here cause the chicken was right there. And he moved the chicken. He moved the chicken. I'm like yo it's over here now and finally I'm like Wood, how old's that fucking chicken dude? And he was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, so, the thing, back to the Ponzi, the thing that cracked me up was him...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Being an unsuccessful thief, how like he's like basically, you know, he was a known thief, which means he's a bad thief because he constantly gets caught. So like everyone, he was stealing like church cups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just moved to another town and be like, hey, uh, let me be in charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the place is called Magneto Gorse?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude, I was gonna ask you, what is your research methods?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's an app, there's an app, I use an app on my phone, I sleep with an Apple Watch, it tracks my sleep. I thought I was getting, I thought I was getting good sleep, dude, I get trash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who did I just see? I was at the gym. I saw somebody playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, if you leaked the sex tape, that would be the fucking funniest thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying our podcast doesn't have any sexual energy? Our podcast is loaded with sexual energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To be like a widely desired object in terms of like people wanting to just cum in your butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I might show up. Dude, you gotta get fast to kickboard into where no one can talk shit. If you're just smoking people on the board.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would follow him up and just use his act and be like, that was funny. Remember this guys? And everyone would be like, haha!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A couple things, Clip, but you know, I've since eased up, ever since I accused fucking, uh, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're white guys. That's like my act. Oh yea, he blatantly quoted you. He was a musician, he was a musical comedian. So he would be like, whatever Shane's one of his punchlines were, he would just start, when he would start bombing, he would start singing Shane's punchlines and people would just laugh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can, they can, yeaah. Until they don't and then it gets real sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's a couple of the anxiety of playing an instrument. Yeah, like so dude, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, he just drives home drunk in a fucking thing wrapped in a comedy magician. Yeah, man, he was, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are we at time-wise? It's, we're fucking hour seven minutes. Perfect, dude. The game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's so weird. I mean, whatever. I don't care. Uhm, you know. And it was just like, posties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're live, dude. What's up? We're rolling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We should just pretend this is a live stream. Be like, oh my god, it's fucking live. Cause people get to live watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God. Fucking. Start it up now. How you doing there big guy? I'm doing alright. I'm doing alright. I'm gonna start dadding everybody now. Hey, what's up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should tell him, you're fucking jealous dude. I did, I tell him he's jealous all the time. What'd you say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there was nobody. Anyone I told what happened, they were just like, man, it's hilarious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn dude. Salt life. We're gonna, oh, that's fucking sick. These are Miller salt lives. Yo, so how's the salt life continuing, dude? This is, this is starting to turn into actual salt life. I know, I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's from a, from a, I watched this YouTube guy, he was like, talking about from a shamanic healing perspective, that's the number one question you have to ask. Some people have to ask, when did I stop dancing? When did I stop singing? And when you, when you figure out, when you stop doing those things, that's typically when bad stuff started happening to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause when I, I, you know, I'm going to weddings where I'm the minority, dude, and I feel like a specimen. Like I have to like now, you know, of course I have to, everyone's expected me to fucking crush it. And it is weird though. Cause dude, it's like, if you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd still be better than everybody else. It was like, come on, get out there. No, there's black, there's black dorks. There's black dorks. No, there are, uh, there's actually a good amount of black people that suck at dancing. That's actually, that is confirmable, but standard, standard issue fucking kills it, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Coronavirus. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Damn, that was not- I saw that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to see what it felt like. I haven't had contact in a while, bro. So what are you going to do about the fact that you started, you did that workout on the beach at night time. You weren't, were you happy with it? I was delighted. I mean, despite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my bad about that. The podcast was delayed because I took a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I took a dump that, it was a healthy one too. The dump itself wasn't bad. It was just, it just wasn't complete. It wasn't totally complete. I think I might've been doing like a too hard of a workout or something the day before and must've shocked my digestive system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, yeah, I literally, I was telling you earlier, I wiped my ass and gave myself a white, a racing stripe right on the tailbone, dude. And just full on war paint. And I was like, fuck man. You had that old herbie. Hit the lockers, dude. You had the herbie, dude. You had the love bug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, same thing, got off the toilet, left a, like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 72 hours, 72 hours dude, this country would fall apart. Let's just, let's let that be known. Well that actually is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hell yea, dude. I'm fucking stoked to see you and I got new neighbors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would you, how would you utilize them? If you like, if something like, you know, obviously you're going to. No matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You might, you might, you could flag down like a Cisco truck dude, get some supplies. You could just have to, you'd have to trade her in a sex slavery.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, if it came down, dude, I have been thinking about like, cause I was in, I think Target and I saw people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, fuck me, like I saw a lady with like five gallons of milk. It's like, how are you even going to consume that? What are you? What are you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drink a gallon of milk right now? It's panic buying, dude. It's, these people, this is like the, the, this, people are using the parts of their brain that like tells them to slam the brakes, but they're out in public like, what are you gonna get this, uh, panic buying, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 10 packs, uh, 10, 5 packs, yeaah, 50 wipes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dare you? People get judgy about ass wipes. I leave them front and center in my guest bathrooms. I do all of my bathroom. And people get me like, who's ass wipe? People have asked Brittany like, whose wipes are those?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude, that's uh, sorry. Edit the light on. That's alright. There it is. Yeah, you're around a bunch of rich southerners. How do you feel about that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who else would I rather be with, bro? I'd have had him money, bro. You might start going door to door and be like... Did you have him? Did you have him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Well dude, I was telling, uh, I was telling Butterly recently, I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like there's all this like jujitsu and shit. All you have to do is go for somebody's dick, dude. That's like, that's the fight end.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna start, girls, dude, girls stay strapped. Girls always have like a ton of self-defense shit. Yeah, they always have mix and tasers. I'm gonna get some girl gear, dude. Cause they've been watching fucking...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck this. What is happening? You got, what for your, on your side? You gotta confirm your email?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, that's kind of a tough question because it's like, you can't say like, no, I don't. Cause then they're like, why not? Yeah, true. So I mean, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You would talk to them like, oh yeaah, you know, I used to live in North Philly for a while. It's like, eh, you rented student housing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People do hit that brag hard. I did this in college. I moved to a house that was just me and literally two other people on the street. There was, you know, and I was. Yeah, but you didn't do it for cred.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that was, that's a tough, I'm getting pussy switched to turn off of all those kids on spring break. The state, the fact that the state stepped in and was like, no, no guys, actually you're not getting pussy. Go back to your parents' house. Like, well, fuck man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, hell no, dude, the, uh, I was watching the press conferences about all of the COVID shit and it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I couldn't believe the que- like, people were, people were like, yeah, well, you know, you sound a little too optimistic. Well, you know, you're selling people false hope. If you were to be like, yeah, we're fucked, you're just all doom and gloom. What's your problem?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well then they're like, where are the tests? Then they don't have the tests. They're like, well, where are the tests? And they're like, we're making them. He's like, definitely making them. He's like, yeah, we're fucking, we're making them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're good for you. They're on the, if you go for the harm index, they're like, might be the lowest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck man, like ten pounds of mushrooms before you, like, you put yourself, which isn't physically impossible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, I feel like whenever you do mushrooms, you, you seek, like, you, you, uh, swaddle yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you could pay somebody to swaddle you for sure. I could swaddle you, I know how to swaddle now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me po- I have to blow my nose. Hold on one second, I have- Don't pause, it's just blow your nose. I don't have any tissues. Run upstairs. Alright, you're gonna, you're gonna keep- Blow your nose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I guarantee they can hear it. Their hearing is fantastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. They're probably cool with that. Well, they're getting a double dose of lockdown plus newborn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Today I actually went, uh, Jackson was crying at the top of the steps today while we were watching TV. And he, I just went upstairs and started wrestling him and that's all he wanted dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one pal. Aww, that's so sweet. We wrestled for a little bit and I was like, alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think they're going to stay, I think they're going to, yeah, I think you're right. I think after two weeks, they're going to be like, all right, if you are somebody with a compromised immune system or you live with one, you guys can continue to quarantine yourself. But if you want to hit it, open it back up and people are going to open back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I read someone, uh, actually the, uh, the scientist, the unnamed scientist who does the Patreon stuff, he sent me a study today saying they're starting to figure out there's like certain climates this disease, uh, thrives in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess New York's way on more, it's more on top of everybody. Like everyone's more on top of each other. L.A. Yeah, L.A. is spread out. Yeah, you got some space.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my friend lives out there and it's like, he's pretty much, he's a minority. His community is literally, is mostly Asian. Dude, know what's weird too? And I told him this, uhm, he had corona-like symptoms. He thought he had pneumonia like four months ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm like, dude, you might've had corona virus. It was funny cause I'm like, you think you had COVID? He's like, I dunno. He doesn't entertain stuff like that. He's like, I dunno.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you talking about? Non-explosiveness dude? What are you talking about? Come on now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, scouts from all different sports would call me. They saw my ass in high school. And they were just like, you play sports? They tried recruiting me just saw my ass.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not after school clubs. I mean, you know, what were we, the fourth team in the nation? I forget. I honestly forget.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, oh, what were we talking about before we broke? We're talking about COVID. Dang. We were talking COVID, weren't we? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, since when did the government give a fuck about geezers, dude?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm quoting David Icke on this, but it's like, that's a good point. He's like, so you're going to tell me that government's going to sacrifice the national, maybe global economy for geezers? The same people they've been cutting their benefits for years for? Come on now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, yeaah, it does. It's basically, this is a, this is a New World Order stunt, basically. Where it's like, this is going to allow the technocrats, this is going to give the technocrats a reason to start tracking your every move, everything. The reason they say that certain countries didn't get as sick was that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They would trace your location and then see whoever was around you and then tell, force all those other people in a quarantine. Like China was able to, China will lock you in your room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they'll lock your apartment from outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, wait, you said you munched or you think that's what- No, I wouldn't munch. That's what causes the disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's for your joke. Oh, thank you. That's what causes the disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're thinking about a Chinese guy champing a witch's potion, but no, actually this is delicious. And the witch is like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like a moral, like I don't, I'm not pissed at like Chinese people. It's, but if-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, yeah, that would chat my ass. Imagine, uh, imagine if like, from people not picking up their dog shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why they're trying to say that it didn't come from, what's the point of saying it didn't come from China?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But being like, we don't know for a fact that it came from there, it's like, no, I think we do. I think, I think that's pretty factual.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What the fuck would you know? I'm a sports medicine, I'm a masters in sports medicine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The uh, I watched a Trump, did you ever see the Trump fact checks that are like from Fox? It's, it's literal brainwashing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Breaking news. Trump munched bats. What if he- Trump actually-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm just, I mean, I'm at the point where I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God dammit, I'm pissed off people ate pangolins. I'm like, what the fuck, guys? I'm genuinely like, what the fuck?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so I'm trying to think of like what kind of sauce, like maybe a little...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I would cook, I would cook the pangolin in its own shell, like steam it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, dude, imagine if fucking medium rare burgers caused worldwide sickness. You'd be like, fucking sorry dude, I like them like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All my, all of our Chinese listeners, what I'm saying is like, I'm, I'm hanging with you guys. I'm not judging you. I literally just said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I haven't nutted. I like, I can't, I can't, I don't have time to nut. And I don't know when, it's like, there's no good time.


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[Assistant] Whoa, dude, fuck. And another thing about China.


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[Assistant] If people are, if you're seriously like people are dying and it's like, well, here's one of the main causes of that.


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[Assistant] True. Do we? Nah, chickens. Chickens are other mammals.


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[Assistant] How many people died in Italy? 4,000 died. That's the blood on these people's hands who was gonna be like, well, we should be careful before we sign blame. It's like, yea? Ready to go to every single one of those fucking doors. And they go, signore, signore.


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[Assistant] I was on DadMeet trying to figure it out and my theory is that they kiss each other all the time.


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[Assistant] Chinese government, given your Patreon, yeaah. It's gonna be fuckin' tight. It's gonna be fat. But yeaah dude, 50 mil, I think he was getting $50,000 a month and he got busted apparently, like, doing research for the People's Republic of China.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And he got like arrested and you know, shit, he got in trouble for it. So people are trying to say that he was inventing or like engineering COVID. That's, that's the theory.


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[Assistant] Yeah, man, I don't know, but I, I do think, dude, we're coming out the, there's going to be a mandated vaccine. They're going to start, man.


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[Assistant] I've been on this tip, dude, and it's not, it's not about people conspiring to events. It's all about the spin.


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[Assistant] So people, they're going to spin this into like do the drug companies that we're going to have.


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[Assistant] Five gazillion. You know, there's, uh, there's a vaccine court. They got rid of vaccine court.


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[Assistant] Used to be able to sue companies for damages from vaccines. It's gone.


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[Assistant] No pace for it when people do get damaged from a vaccine and actually prove it came from the vaccine. No pace for that. American taxpayer.


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[Assistant] We're gonna end up kissing on this trip. You think so? You guys do need to get that out. That'd be awesome, dude. If you guys just came out as an official couple.


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[Assistant] It just made me so happy. I mean, dude, I've said it a hundred times, watching him champ digital graffiti was just like, that's immortal shit, dude. Unreal. You see somebody stand their ground on digital graffiti and just look at a screen of someone saying like the most horrible things you can think of and be like, what the hell is this? You fucking losers. Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I was like, what the fuck?


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[Assistant] That ha- that should happen. When we- I- I spent- Again, your prediction is two weeks. So, if we have two weeks off, we could-


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[Assistant] Six months. We could stream, oh yea, you would need a crowd there too.


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[Assistant] That should be the mantra, are you scared? They could wait, instead of sending everybody


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[Assistant] A $1,200 check. They can let people who aren't in a position where they're at risk go and work. And if you are, they'll be like, all right, we'll give you a couple bucks to stay in chill and sit on your keister.


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[Assistant] You're telling me the powers that be are worried about the geezers, bro. Come on, man. They're gonna crash the economy.


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[Assistant] True. Well, if you're a traveling geez, you got it. Most gays are self-quarantined anyway.


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[Assistant] That's all day every day, dude. Those dudes are dying constantly. Like two more deaths.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, I have allergies right now. So it's like, I go outside in public and I'm like, uuuh.


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[Assistant] No dude. I'm telling you, that was your body right there.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true. I'm telling you, dude, I would love to see the party lines in terms of people who get it. I guarantee you. It's all liberals.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, it's, you're getting the, uh, you know, when you tease a little girl and they go like,


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[Assistant] These guys, I get it and all, as a comedian, I get it, but like, this is not humor. There's no jokes there. There's no jokes. I craft, I craft my jokes.


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[Assistant] You can't give clos- closures for the week, dude. You're out- you're just an artist, bro. My bro, there's nothing I- yo.


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[Assistant] So, I mean. No, it's not. Everybody was a kung-fu fight. Yeah, I guess so, I mean.


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[Assistant] His first charge was like throwing rocks at black kids. And like,


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[Assistant] Doing some like bronx tail style, being like, you motherfucking, like hard ends, throwing rocks at them. I think he did that twice.


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[Assistant] I think he has two hard end rock throws at black kids, like chasing black kids out of healthy.


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[Assistant] That's the beginning of it, dude. And then he beat the fuck out of like, uh, I think a Vietnamese guy.


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[Assistant] He's rock throwing, bro. He was rock throwing in like the 80s? 86, yeaah. When I was being born, Mark Wahlberg was throwing rocks at black kids and calling them the N-word. I think the day I was born.


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[Assistant] You know how vicious it has to be in 86 to get a hate crime on you? That guy was doing like 1940 hate crimes, bro.


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[Assistant] Like, dude, if that guy was in Brooklyn in like 1930, I'd be like, alright man, you gotta let him live. It was fucking 86.


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[Assistant] Like, what, I mean. And they made rap videos.


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[Assistant] Oh, natural, of course, yeaah. I mean, Marky Mark has probably just hit me like, I don't hate black people, what are you talking about?


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, he like, broke people's jaws. Let me see.


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[Assistant] Okay, so Mark Wahlberg was addicted, excuse me, Mark Wahlberg was addicted to cocaine at 13. So, three years later after becoming addicted to cocaine.


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[Assistant] I love how they hyperlink that, like you're going to click, you can click this one.


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[Assistant] I mean dude, there's like nine pages on etymology. Alright, that's just aggressive.


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[Assistant] Yeah, then at 88 after chasing black kids with rocks. Uh, the next day. What?


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[Assistant] A large, and then he attacked a second Vietnamese man later the same day, punching him in the eye. What? He went on a fucking tear.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Mark, yeah, Mark, I mean, yeah, Mark Marlberg, uh.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, it's Mark Wahlberg. He had to get out there and do some other shit. I think that was when he was filming Fear. They're like, alright, come on.


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[Assistant] Yeah dude, holy fuck. And then in 1990, he just became a rapper.


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[Assistant] Oh no, he said he would meet with them and make amends. So then he, uh, he requested a pardon. Uh, and then Trinh released, or whatever, Trinh released a public statement forgiving, he forgave Mark Wahlberg for...


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[Assistant] Calling him Vietnam fucking shit. And hitting him with a stick.


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[Assistant] That's fucked up dude. A bowstaff attack on a Vietnamese guy?


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[Assistant] You think he was like, you think he at least flipped it around real cool and was like.


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[Assistant] He did. No, I think he did. I think he, uh, I don't know though. You think there's part of him. You think if he sees a large wooden stick on the ground, he's in Chinatown, he might have to like, mock.


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[Assistant] I guess there's a grandfathered in. If you beat the fuck out of Asians or threw rocks at black kids in the 80s, early 90s, it's like, you're good. Don't worry about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it's funny too because I feel like a lot of, I would say a lot of black women love Mark Wahlberg.


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[Assistant] Well dude, I think they all forget- I think they all have sprite and transformers. I think they forget-


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[Assistant] They, they shake water off heart. They're like, I'm like, I'm going to obey my thirst right now and have something delicious.


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[Assistant] I'm telling you man, Beezer is the last, he is a relic. In terms of dudes who don't drink water. Nobody, there's nobody left who doesn't drink water, dude. It's him, my old doc, 60% of black people.


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[Assistant] A lot of black people go either way, dude. They're either super fucking healthy or it's just like total party time in terms of food.


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[Assistant] Let's page, let's page with, uh, we'll do a war mode page. I think they're trying to launch their own podcast too, so we'll war mode. When? Tonight? Oh man, well, no, if I call you.


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[Assistant] Who could you give your phone to? Is there a safe? Go give your phone to your neighbors, big guys.


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[Assistant] I don't want to say something racist on Twitter. You'll probably get your phone and be like. You'll probably do it anyway.


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[Assistant] Yeah, for the night of a fucking, like for the rate of a, like, you know, holiday in basically, you're staying in a fucking.


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[Assistant] You know, we split it. You've been on the tour, bro. You've been fucking doing your motherfucking thing.


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[Assistant] That's what you get. Spoils dude. Alright, we out.


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[Assistant] I just wanna say I just appreciate you, dude. Before we get off, I just appreciate everything you do. I appreciate you. Unstoppable.