[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Drip severe. Guys, the number one thing your mom wants from you is for you to fucking call her. This holiday season you can give her a call of course and give her Aura digital picture frame. So you'll have another amazing way to stay in touch with your mommy. Personal endorsement, I love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go, you go, ain't shit changed, Ma. Ain't shit changed. You gave me, your genes cursed me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teen assault, working men's cock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Somebody's gotta work hard because his penis is small. Thanks mom. Aura Frames was named the best digital photo frame by Matt's mom, by Wirecutter and the strategist and Fast Company said this simple, stylish digital picture frame can replace social media in your life. You don't even need social media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That would be fucking sick. On your aura, it'd be nice. So next time you need to call your mom, you can also, also send her a new pic of you from that trip you've been telling her about right from your phone. Beautiful. Wow, that is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Instead of sending it to her phone, you can send it to the Aura picture frame.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's us at the beam, and we got in a very serious fight. She said a lot of things that she can't take back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This holiday season listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com slash MSSP. That's AuraFrames.com slash MSSP. Use promo code MSSP to get $30 off their best selling frames, terms and conditions apply. Let's go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You'd be like, go get me a Budweiser. Yeah, just be like, chuck on that. Oh dude, for sure. Chuck that with me. Please hang out with me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, not knowing how to drink as a kid. Throwing up everywhere is so fucking funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My brother would go to f- It pinched a f***ing loaf. They pinched- they dropped an abodeca at my nonna's. Not in the kitchen where she makes her gnocchis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean that's a high risk maneuver. That's a whole house of dudes that want to jump a guy. It's suicide by fret, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is funny, that's the problem. That's the problem with when you're very drunk and you're like, I know this is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think anybody took their eyes off. I don't think the party went back to normal at any point. True. I'm sure there were shrieks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember at open mics people would do that. Really? Yeah, I remember some of the good, good fellas.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be, that's a, yea, that'd be nice. And then occasionally point to one of them and go, do a bit, view one minute, and go back to your set. And go, you see how fucking bad that was? Get off the stage! Get the fuck out of here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sean was dancing last night in the green room. Really? Yeaah. He were. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everybody goes to like the fall of Rome in their head every night. Rome declines. There's a height where you're dancing in the green room, little Pax Romana, then you get out there and the Vandals are at the gate. The Vandals have arrived.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, Matt, I gotta tell you, the new hours were so good. I hadn't seen a lot of it. I went to Matt's Thursday show and then watched From the Balcony dude. He spied me from the back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You killed me. It's all fucking crap. You killed me. No, it was awesome. It's awesome. Yeah, the new stuff's wonderful.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My, my like, close friend's dad got braces when he was like, I'm not kidding, 55. And it was like, holy sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta polish the white spots. We've reached it. Let's head over to the Patreon. Let's go. Goodbye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a wolf sanctuary in like North Jersey, but I don't think it made it to Philadelphia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, no, I'm not going to give him Mountain Lines. We all used to go hunting for that Mountain Line. There was rumored to be a Mountain Line loose, like, in Delaware County, Pennsylvania. Just one? Just one. Yeaah, but it's true. There was. There was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that's kinda cool though. Don't fuck you up, won't they? Won't they attack you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's terrifying. I was scared down here when I moved. I didn't know what kind of animals were down here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's all baby riders. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Little guy. That's nice. Had the brown spots on my trail. I was walking. Nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He did it. Snoop Dogg quit. Him and Meek Mill went to Dubai to quit smoking weed. Now why do you think that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, really? Meek Mill is quitting for real. Dude, I, I do know guys that like smoke like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. But yeaah, it's so funny though. Now if any black dude has to quit smoking weed, you have to go to Dubai. You have to dress like a sheik for a month. That idea makes me laugh so hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but my wife wants to go there and I've been saying no the whole time, like I'm not going. She wants to go to Dubai? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't stop laughing about like Arabian dudes encountering just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway. It is, it has like a weird, vaguely spiritual overtone on it, but it's just, uh, it's just a weird place. You're just in the deserts. You're like, yeah, dude, this is really important for me to do this. You just get hammered in a club and have sex with a prostitute.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck, dude, they have billboards for whippets on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Really? Yes. Oh yeah. I'm not lying, they have literally huge billboards for like, you can go puff whippets down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're in deep trouble. Yeaah, child pneumonia would get it done though, that's a good one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. Yeah, I guess there's, I don't know, you think they'll win? Who? Dems. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why are they riding by? I don't understand why they can't get a cool young guy to be like, hey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's that? No, I'll name other businesses during the ads. I'll name another business, my bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop icy smooth clouds and big savings this holiday. These guys are like illiterate who write these things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop icy smooth clouds and big savings this holiday season from our friends at Freezepipe.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's never been a better time to say goodbye to harsh smoke and start enjoying cannabis the way you deserve to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The magic behind freeze pipe is freezable glycerin chambers that come on every piece. Just pop the chambers in the freezer for one hour and it instantly cools smoke by over 300 degrees. The result is a bigger, smoother ice cold puff without the throat burn or coughing attacks. It is true. I've done it. It definitely cools the smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You get very high, freak out. To experience our favorite way to light up, go to thefreezepipe.com today and enjoy awesome deals going on now until Christmas. We're talking pipes, we're talking bubblers, bongs, dab rigs, vape pens, joint chillers, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, what do you got in trouble in school if you're like talking about your balls and like keeping your balls nice and it's like now how important is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have two options for the or I'm reading option one option. Just read option B while I read options in your head. Oh no. Yes. Let's read it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] God, I love the way you think, Shane. I'm getting Baby Billy one for Christmas and filling it with all his favorite men's health coverage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's self-propelling, so all you have to do is breathe. It's got three cartridges, multiple airflow options, and adjustable voltage. So you can either set it and forget it, or change it up to suit your mood.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go into superstar mode, you just hit this thing, you go right into superstar mode. Another favorite is the Tombstone version 2. It has two wax coils, so you can mix flavors together for something totally custom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With portable gear that you can easily take anywhere, huge clouds and awesome flavors, Hamilton Devices combines quality and convenience.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hamilton Devices is hooking our listeners up. Go to HamiltonDevices.com and use code DRENCHED15 for 15% off. Buyers must be 21 or older. That's HamiltonDevices.com code DRENCHED15. That's DRENCHED15 for 15% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a weird move. Well. Although.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you like, you hear about that. I hear about that every now and again. I'm like, I'm glad that exists, but I never got like the full fucking scale of that. It's so nice. Well, it's just so funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a guy who goes around New York and just kisses the top of bald people's heads and it's the fucking- They probably love it. No, they get furious. People get mad? He's hitting like Honduran immigrants, dude. Oh no. And they're- they turn around, they're like- he's hitting like- He's gonna get stabbed. That dude, I don't know, he's a pretty big dude. So he creeps up behind people and just goes-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right on top of their head and they look up and they, dude, they freeze. Is there like, what the fuck? It's just a big guy just going like, bye. And he just slinks away. It's just so funny, it's like someone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's terrifying. Like that's what we want. Yeah, I remember watching reality TV and I was like, oh, this is gonna change people's personalities. I was like, that's nothing, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just people arguing at a party. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a guy naked dressed like the Tin Man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's crazy. I saw a thing, T.I. Son. Did you see the clip of T.I. Son? He went on Instagram live to yell at his mom. And then T.I. beat him up. But how old is he? He's got to be a teenager. It looks like he's like in his very early teens. And he's telling his mom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] T.I. gets in his face. You can't see it. He's just, it's like a, it's like a, you know, he's like an Instagram live of like a side of his face. Be like, fuck, fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a bunch of people chatting. He shuts it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He would be great actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't he get a beef with fucking, uh, no, no. What the fuck was that about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a dense fucking 53 minutes. Yea. It's a good 53. It's a great 53.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My friend had a mini, I think also a mini Doberman, he used to give Wawa cappuccinos to every morning. And the dog got diabetes. He was like, I didn't know he couldn't have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was for my daughter's birthday party so we had like dozens of chocolate cupcakes stacked and he just pulled them off this bench and just tore through the box, ate all of them. He was going for the second box and we found him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, nose is fucked up. So he doesn't know where. He doesn't know anything. He just lays in the, we put him out in the sun now. He just lays out. That's probably fine for him. He loves it. He's a really great dog. He's a nice dog. Yeah. He's good. Got a yard. Dude, exactly. He, I'm telling you, he made out the best with us moving. He just lays. He just went blind. It's perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, SamTown has a big major announcement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't speak highly enough about Sam's ability as a stand up comedian.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They tossed in their fireplace with fake jewels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be wonderful. There was a plumber that came in when I wasn't here. We use the lockbox. I keep it out there. I get locked out a lot. He doesn't lock the house either. I don't lock the house either, yea. Why are you broadcasting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's really, it's shocking how good Sam is as a writer and he's very smart, yeah. Even better on stage.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bobby's Lord was, uh, I was telling Matt, that was, it came on every single time when I had to leave for the bus in the morning. He had to ride a special bus. Yeah, they had a lift on it, took a while. Yeah. But I, I, I...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be funny if we did that. You know, there's podcasts that sometimes, you know, they use Blackstone. I don't know if you know this. We switched in and just like... Did you try to eat the statue?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever like approached a woman with that? I mean, truthfully, yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean by the time, if I'm drinking a lot, yeaah, I'm there. If I get drunk, my face is that. And I've definitely only, the only time I've ever approached a woman is if I was drunk. So I was making that face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You wanna talk about living in someone, the whole living in someone else's world. I got, I had to shake hands with a man this week. Who? I was at Target. This guy came up, he was like, hey, fan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Goes to shake my hand. His hand was covered in fucking lotion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If it's what I think it is. That guy was jacking off a target and then he was like, Oh, there's Shane. What aisle were you in? Christmas aisle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the holiday season. It is. He was jacking off on all the fucking ornaments.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're being creative. I mean, did she know you were like a fucking weirdo already?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you nick a ball sack while you're shaving and then you get in the shower and you go,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, the circle of life. I used his lube. Hm? I got it home, my hand was still lubed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like Scarface, that's all you have in this world is you. Your ball's in your word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The fact that you have sinking nuts. Sean, get a cup. Yeah, get a cup. Joe, go to the bathroom and tell us. This is the Patreon. Sean actually, you can see it right now, Sean has a huge dick of nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I know. I'm never hard. It's always...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're focused on the camera, are you doing it? Don't look me in the eyes while you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, what part of Canada are you from? Toronto. Oh, okay, nice. Seagroups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We boycotted Canada Dry. Yeah. Why? Cause the war of 1812.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You remember what you guys did? No. You guys came down and burnt our precious White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. You're fucking Canadian bullshit ancestors. January 6th. That was our, yeah. You guys really did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause you guys are under the rule of the crown. True. You were vassals of the crown. You guys had to listen to, you guys had to listen to England and they said go burn that fucking White House.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The- no. Wait, what was the Canadian flag? Just the- Union Jack. No. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. You guys got the maple leaf. The maple leaf's nice. I like it. Okay. I like a lot of it, yea. I like the Canadian flair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where did you find this dead dog? Where did you find this dead dog?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did you name the dog? Daddy? Papa. The dog's name was Papa? Papa. Papa. And what breed other than dead was this dog? Breed a dead is not a breed. What type of dog was it? Mix. I'm looking at it, I want to see if you remember it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it turns out I, uh, they didn't want me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Just finding out. Cause of this podcast. They saw this. Oh. And they said no. Anyway. Cause of Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you think that was a good eulogy? Deal or no deal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on, we have something, we, we have something planned, Matt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's a little segment we do on the show, regardless of who the guest is, we do a bit of a talent show. True. This has nothing to do with... America's Got Talent. America's Got Talent. No, we just, we do everything. But, Matt did want to show you something. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now would you say that that was talented?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When it comes to the planning, I did fuck you pretty bad on that dance and I do apologize. That should have been you initiating that dance. Oh it was fine. My bad on that. It's no big deal. You should see him sing too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two nights ago they had the holiday party at Rogan's comedy club. Is that why you couldn't make it? That was, no. Yesterday I had a bunch of bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was karaoke at the party and Matt got up there. What was your karaoke song of choice? Unchained Melody. Oh wow. Brought the fucking house down. That was a golden buzzer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can end it whenever, but usually like an hour. Yeaah. Cause it already seems like an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I bet it's been shockingly not a lot of time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's fair. What is fair? Just going, fucking excuse. There's a mouth of health.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Impossible paragraph to read in the English language. It's jumbled words together and numbers. We just did this read on showbiz emails. Snag one for yourself, then gift one to all your favorite guys. The performance package comes with the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra for trimming the body and below the belt, the Weed Whacker 2.0 ear and nose hair trimmer, and all the lotions and creams for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personal endorsement, I don't know about you guys, I fucking endorse it personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually fun too, the little friction down there. Let her know, oh, she's going to go, this kind of hurts. Yeah, it's probably the size of my dick. She's going to go, no, it's your fucking prickly disgusting beard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's all my mom asked for me. I said, mom, baby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, if your girlfriend is going to force you to pose for photos at the Christmas tree farm, you might as well look and feel great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True Classic has you covered with ultra comfortable, well fitting essentials.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Snag yourself one of the lightweight puffer jackets that'll get you through all of your holiday activities in style.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's water resistant and it's a great fit for putting layers underneath and it keeps you warm without all the weight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With 100% perfect fit guarantee and easy returns, True Classic won't just help you. It's easy to level up everyone in your gift list this Christmas. Men.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the perfect gift for you, but also a gift for her. Hear that bitch? Hey! So if you're ready to upgrade your closet, shop now with our exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash drenched and save up to 25% off your first order. End of the year with holiday cheer. Thanks to True Classic. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not for long. Everyone likes you. This is King Tut's tomb.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got a nice one, you received a nice gift. I received one. Bert Kreischer gave me one as a gift. What a holiday trip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sweet Magoobies Joke House. I just added some shows. So go to ShaneMGillis.com to check them out and see if you want to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're fast as fuck. If you ever try to sneak up on one, especially on a log, by water you get close to it, falls right in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He thought nothing of it. I'd be so sad if somebody made fun of my dead dog like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think people say this, you're always very kind to the comics. And my one friend, my one, uh, doogie, doogie Horner. He's a Philly guy. We started with him. Yeah. That was big for us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. We went to one, I've talked about it before, but we went to a hibachi thing. Me and the girl I was dating at the time and the guy was mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The chef, he was just angry the whole time. Really? And was literally like, open your fucking mouth. He was like, open your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every time I go, it just seems like it's the population. It's like a Dave and Buster's. Those things are packed with blacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we can do it in private. In a private show? You can turn all the lights off afterwards. Not for the podcast, just like after. No, no, no, just after I'll have Sean sit on my lap. Completely nude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah. Those guys, is that the guys that do the home videos?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're so good. Yeaah. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever seen that one? Before he got on and did one of these bullshit acts, he told him, he was like, something's wrong with my father, he's in the hospital. Yeaah. And I need to leave my phone on just in case something happens. And in the middle of the segment he picks up the phone and he's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty awesome. I got in trouble for, I was not even close. I was like just a fart in class.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't have time. This is crazy. I have time for you, Howie. We can hang out. Oh, now who's got bullshit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was bullshit time. I gotta hang out with him. I gotta fucking hang out with Sam. You get to. It was his birthday yesterday. That's bullshit. No, true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause that is bullshit. I'm an adult man being like, it's actually, it's my birthday. It was his 42nd birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had to do Rogan's podcast and Kill Tony. You didn't do Kill Tony? No, I drank so much on Rogan's podcast I got sick and had to go home. What are you doing today? You can see the bursted blood vessel in my eye. Hello?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, today, I am, now after this, I'm done. So why aren't you and Sam


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe. If it's as good as this. We still have one more podcast after this. And then yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Could you take, you can, could you emulsify some, like a, anything, right? If you could fake a fucking protein plus fat. You could jack off with remains. Have you ever eaten a balut?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, talk about the egg. Yeah, I'd rather hear about the egg. I want to hear about the egg. Shut the fuck up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are mistaking you for fucking security.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm living out there. I came home today and you were all bundled up by the pool reading.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got that one already. I heard last night I was on Instagram Reels and I saw a guy do some crowd work that made me laugh very hard. What'd he say? He's just like, what do you do for a living? The guy goes, I'm a web developer. He goes, are you a spider?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] DeRosa did that with DeRosa, Joe DeRosa had an album where the first album was him being good and then the second...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Part of the album was the same set bombing. Yeaah. Well you know that I was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but now we're starting to flow a little. I like the flow of this. Right now, everything we're doing is cutting into the beginning. Yeah, this is like, Oh, do you edit? Well, I think we might this time. Yeah. And cut out all references of me not doing his podcasts. We're not going to have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a real question. What was your favorite act on America's Got Talent? My favorite act ever?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they working alright? Are they wearing your shoes? I don't know what they're doing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say though, this is, I don't want to trash the show at all, but this is like, when you see like, when you go to circus and you're like, how'd they get them to do that? It's like, somebody was hitting these kids with sticks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? D Wade's one of the judges? Was it a guest judge? Yeah, he was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Yeah, he was a guest. Why? Yeah, that's gotta be a tough. What? His wife. That's gonna be a tough follow. No union. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gonna be real tough. Follow those kids doing those flips and you got fucking stand up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That'd be funny. You know, ask me about my wife. Great tits. She can't sleep on her back. I don't know that that would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had an idea. You did? Right away? You weren't- I was never really, I never thought it would be big. Like as big as comedy's gotten, I think. But I knew it, I knew I wasn't gonna, I was gonna just keep doing stand-up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. True. It's perfect. It's the perfect. We'll just leave him on your nuts. That'd be nice to have. Just have a Dilbert cartoon on your nuts. Something for, you know, I'm married. So I need everything I can get to be like, Hey, you could read the funnies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, that's the ending. That was great. Yeaah. Your nuts also bleed forever too if you caught them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what's good with, like, how do you kegels, like I would imagine, like, as you, like, advance in age, a lot of your friends just lose their dicks. Like, how do you keep your dick into kegel exercises? It's just kegels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well my parents both died while they were dancing, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My parents were dancing, they used to always dance in front of us, like, at dinner time. They'd get up and dance and then one time they'd just go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Back to my parents. To your dead parents. Yeah. They're ballroom dancing. Well I gotta tell you something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, you guys are just doing stuff, like whatever. Pardon me? You guys just do like whatever, like just do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pretty nice. Do you sing? I'm alright. I'm an amateur.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can also start from up top and just rip. We got all the weird energy out of the room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, you know, I'm open. I'm here to be. When was the last time you cried?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Crash. If there's one time a year that you really need to pull it together, it's now. Luckily, Manscaped has you covered with their brand new performance package 5.0 Ultra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sure everyone has it on their list. Yes, your smooth hairless balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get 20% off and free shipping with the code drenched at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code drenched. Give the gift of manscaped this holiday season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With all of those family reunions and trips to the mall, you're gonna need a little something to get you through the holiday season. Freeze pipe has you covered. With freezable pipes, bubblers, bongs and more that cool down smoke by over 300 degrees.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're tired of coughing up a lung every time you smoke, you seriously need this. No more throat burning and no more coughing attacks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They put, they, literally you freeze a glycerin thing, you put a glycerin like coil in the freezer and take it out, and then it feels like you're not smoking anything, next thing you know you're like, what the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shop the smoothest pipes, bubblers and bongs and more at thefreezepipe.com and use code drenched for 10% off your entire order. That's thefreezepipe.com and use code drenched for 10% off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Attention! This is a message from Aura Frames. You've got a dog on the inside. I've infiltrated the company and hijacked their ad reads in order to guarantee that dogs get the best holiday discount possible. All caps. Do not sleep on this deal. And Aura Digital Picture Frame is the only gift this season that you can give to the whole family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whether your brother is a working class hipster who wants to display his before and after photos,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cough, sweet baby, take my brother's name out of your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or you just stumped on what to get your mom and grandma for the holidays, or a frame will not disappoint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Both my grandmas, my sweet mammas are dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, this is a grandmotherless podcast. You can easily upload your favorite photos and videos right from your phone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Personal endorsement, oh man, dude, I got, my whole house is, it looks like Batman's cave, I got them everywhere, just fucking images flickering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? Nudes. Terabytes of illegal chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listeners can save on this perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com slash MSSP. That's A-U-R-A. Frames.com slash MSSP. Use promo code MSSP to get $30 off for best selling frames. Get yours now so it arrives in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, mammocustor.com slash dates, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Found a dead turtle the other day. How do you know? Real deal dead turtle. In the pond. In the pond. How do you know? How do you know? I was like, I pride myself on being able to like sneak up on animals. So I was like, I'm getting pretty fucking close to the turtle. That's your pride?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can be quick. They're so fast man, their heads are in the water and they fucking pop right down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, a lot of people, sneaking up on animals is like the ultimate pastime. It is. It's the ultimate pastime. Sneaking up on animals is why we're here. I'm just carrying the torch into the future. I want to make sure I can sneak up on these animals. We got close to a lizard the other day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Or smelt him. Smelt it down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although, dude, for real, I had a, uh, someone I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So my, one of my cousins, I won't say who, they're, one of their neighbors' dog died, and my cousin sent him a text thinking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kind of as a joke, like, yo, great, like, congratulations on getting rid of your dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the dude called him back and he was like, why the fuck would you send me that? He's like, that's so fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I, well, my brother was like, you know, we had, we had like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I absolutely won't betray my family for this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he, it was just funny because he, my brother had explained to him like, yea, our family grew up like kicking and beating dogs. That's why it's funny. But like nobody else does that. People love their dogs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you mean beat though? You beat them. If they were bad, you like beat their ass. Huh. If they were in the way, you'd just fucking get the fuck out of here and kick dogs, yea. Like large dogs? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're poodle kickers. You weren't speeding the shit up. Dude, they had a, they had a fucking, they had a guard dog, they had a trash yard and they had a guard dog and they fucking shot in the head. Cause they tried to bite, they tried to bite a customer. So they fucking blasted it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, what's good on Simon? Yea, what do you got? You like Simon?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I'm more critical than him now. No, no, you don't want, I hate to break it to you. Not more critical. I think people say it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sure, we, my family go to, we go to Hibachi and I've been there with my wife's family too, we've all went.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For everybody. Yes. Hello. Hi Sam. Yeah. Hi Sam. No. You know where kissing came from? No. I think traditionally you would hold mouth in your food and if you like wanted to talk to another person you'd flash a little food at them and then they would come and just eat chewed up food out of your mouth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You could just, in the wild, no other animal kisses each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not that I know of. I think it was back in the day you would have some food in your mouth. The reason you don't see him kissing is because you're sneaking up on him and killing him. I would see them. That's definitely where you would see them. No, you're behind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Posted bad? You said my worst crowd work ever, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're the Washington Conquistadors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey everybody, it's me Sean Gardini. I'll be performing at Cap City Comedy Club on Wednesday, January 24th if you'd like to join me. Headliner. Yep. Headliner. Our friends will come and do stand up too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, your body's switching a whole different- your brain's using a whole different fuel source.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I got past like the, like, watery explosive diarrhea. But I still have to wipe my ass like a baby's ass. I have to wipe my whole ass after eating a dumpling in the carnivore diet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The little baby powder. I, I wish, I frill, I wish I could. I wipe, I wipe my ass on this carnivore diet and it's just like, I mean it's disgusting. It's no good. It gets, it gets on me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is crazy shit turns white. Our friend, when I was little, when we were growing up, this one kid, he was like a bad kid from a bad family and he shit behind a bush outside. So we'd all go like every day, like, yo, let's go see this guy shit. And then one day it turned white and we're all just like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you think was driving that? If you had it like now, like years later, what do you think was like?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's like the impulse and what are you getting out of? Someone's, I mean, obviously the total fucking servitude, I guess it's like a power trip, is to bury my dumps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that's actually kind of, it's kind of boss take like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's bullshit. Me and my friend bottom were like, whoever wins buys dinner or whatever and they took the fight was like five days. Eventually we were like, I was like, mine's dead. I don't know. I don't know who won this. These fish are just dead now. How do you tell the difference? Different colors. Oh nice. Would you have a dead fish you're saying?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did the whole time. We took our clothes off and wrestled the whole time or fish. And that's way straighter. It was Greco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, I didn't. I didn't get that til later. Then when I'm older now, yea, I'm like, that's not nice, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was nothing, we had a bull living near our house and we'd sit in these crabapple trees and just, we'd have the slingshots and take crabapples and just fucking sling this thing with crabapples and it just, it got like unruly, it had to get removed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had no idea why this bulls whole fucking, you know, it's mindset got all fucked up. They had it like, it was, it was like, we had like an angry fucked up bull cause it was getting stung by crab apples for like 24 hours, but they just didn't stop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the worst thing you think is happening right now? You gotta pick one. I mean like the rest are just like whatever, but like the one worst thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's bullshit though, it is kinda bullshit. You watch it and you're like, what even, it fucking looks, the whole thing, I mean, it looks just fake. Or nobody really cares anymore that much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he say that? Damn, dude. That's gonna be it. The line's drawn now between people who are just being like, yeah, I'm not a pedophile, versus people who are like, hey, you know, don't say that. That makes me uncomfortable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what a lot of Jeopardy watchers are doing though. That's an absolute


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he, he got in, did he get in trouble for, I don't know if he got in trouble for it necessarily, but he said something that pissed off Taylor Swift, that was, that seemed to be kind of a thing. Carmichael? No, no, no, not Carmichael, fucking uh, Coy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Diddy parties are next, dude. Diddy parties are good. People keep talking about diddy parties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, true. Don't leave that out. But Kat. Kat, what the interview was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was fun to watch, but then he would just make these claims that were just like, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's how much he said he could read? He said that's how much he said he could read in a year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Gary Owens, he got real one cred now. So he was the only, he kinda got big up during the whole thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's enemy in my enemy though too. Cause they were enemies of like the Steve Harvey squad. Kings of blue collar were serious enemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta cross your legs, huh? You gotta cross your legs though, like a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again, they've ruined a lot of good- they've ruined an ancient Hindu symbol. For peace. That was bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so in the Aryan race, a lot of Hitler's propaganda had to do with like, we are the true Aryans. Oh, okay. And they claimed, I think, I don't know when this was, in the late 1800s maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Horses pretty much. I think they were the first chariots here as well. They had the chariots going.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they migrated a long time ago and conquered the Indus Valley, but then the people in the Middle East were like, no, no, no, we were already here and you guys came and we were like, what's up? And we taught you all the Aryan ways. So they're having like a clash over who was truly Aryan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, you go first if you're in such a hurry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened to that? Why did it stop? It seems like a fucking smashing success.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it, was it at least an acronym, or was it like F, period, A, period? I'm not sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got in trouble, the media just fucking, you know, they fling their eye on people and all of a sudden it was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dwayne, they had like, I think Dwayne Wade, Dwight Howard was in trouble, and then they just fucking spotlighted him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He was just sending freaky texts. He was sending freaky texts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but a guy claimed he went over there and then was like, nah, I'm not with this because another dude was there. And then Dwight was like, they claimed Dwight was like, it's time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy who apparently, yeah, I mean Dwight Howard's fucking huge. Dwight Howard's huge, dude. So that would be so scary. You think at that point,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe it's just us average height guys, maybe all the gays in like 5'9 to like 5'11.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's probably, but then again, they can, they have like the technology now to really clamp down. So it's like someone could for real rule, if someone gets to rule the world now, they'll probably rule it for just thousands of years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's not even about that. I think it's dude, there's just like seven dudes in like a fucking weird exclusive place and they're just like, business is booming this year, we did 70 zillion and they're like, I did 40 zillion, fuck. And they just, they just started.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think there's any material concern really. It's just more of like, fuck him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, during a schizophrenic break, you would shrivel up. So what, so, one of our favorite sponsors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, one of our favorite sponsors. One of our favorites. True classic. Good call. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's fucking run DMC this shit dude. It's here to help you end the old year with the new you and clothes. The confidence to tackle those 2024 resolutions. Out with old ratty t-shirts with those sweat stains and holes. It's actually very funny. Yes. Insert name. Person I'm talking to you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True Classics Ultra Comfortable Perfect Fitting Essentials range from fitted t-shirts, athleisure, jeans, sweaters, outerwear, and more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True Classic has everything you need to hit the gym, take it slow, or treat yourself to something nice. They've already helped over 2 million men look great in their apparel, and now you can save big while you do so. For a limited time only, get 25% off when you shop now with my exclusive link at TrueClassic.com. Insert the code.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, they accentuate your shoulders dude. They accentuate, you look jacked. Oh, I got the, I got a package from them recently. It was jeans. The jeans are nice. Oh really? Very stretchy jeans and soft sweater. The sweater was very soft as well. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the t-shirts have, for real, they've overtaken my whole closet. That's all I have in my closet now. So they do rule. I'm not going to. This is a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea dude, you can get their joggers, you can wear active wear crewnecks, uhm, and it goes, it accentuates your shoulders, it's really nice outerwear, you know, puffer jackets, sweaters, fleece shak- fleece shackets, I've never heard of that before, but they have those.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beanie's and scarves, sweatshirts. Seriously, whatever you choose, you can't go wrong with True Classic. All their clothing can be mixed and matched and designed to work with your lifestyle so you can look and feel best at your best every day. In fact, True Classic is so committed to the products. They even have a 100% perfect fit guarantee and easy return.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go to the closet shop now with my exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash mssp and save up to 25% off your first order. Make 25%.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, it's sold out, but we added a show on Thursday, so please go to that. Helium Comedy Club St. Louis, please come to that as well. That's uh, January 18th to the 20th. Zanies, Nashville, Milwaukee Improv, Pittsburgh Improv, just please come, guys. MadCuster.com slash dates, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Same with the camera, you always do this. Yea dude, this is what drives sick in cells. It's in the algorithm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, no, I think that's all it is now. Because no one knows who Trump's vice is going to be.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he was like the water to his flame. Yeah, Pence was, or Pence was the water to Trump's flame. You needed someone like real just fucking plastic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's a good call. Bro, if he had, it would be a wrap. Yeah, dude, forget it. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now that's beautiful. Yeaah man. That's the spirit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you doing? He sold all their farmland basically. He just sold the country's farmland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I don't know, they say America has, but yea, not against Russia. Like yea, with all the technology, cause Russia probably has similar tech, but like. But we also should fund, we should fund the war.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's our red line. We need that. Yea. We need it back. Yea. We need Crimea. I had to take a second. I was like, which one is that in? I'm like yea, it's in Ukraine. We need Crimea. Oh yea. We're going for Mexico next. We're going to war on the cartels. I guarantee it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think so. I think they'll just roll them out and then it'll just be like pharmaceutical companies just selling opiates now. I think they'll shut down, they'll just produce down there, but they'll probably shut down the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like Mexico. Mexico is sweet. I wouldn't fight him. I hope we don't fight him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna be population wise, they'll be, in like 50 years, they'll be coming up there. We're gonna dip.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can take back Texas and half of California, yeaah, they can take their land back. That was Mexico.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This guy's been fucking spot on, dude. I'm telling you, I read that book like two years ago, and it was like Ukraine invaded Russia right away, they think China's gonna collapse, Russia's gonna collapse, and it'll be Mexico, US, Poland, Turkey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's nice. I remember Googling myself two years ago and the top question was, what does Matt McCusker do? No one has any idea what I'm about to do. Little mystery, man. I like to have your daughter here. How much money it takes for me to keep that mystery going every month? I'll tell you how much. Where's that fucking Patreon? Don't touch her, beloved.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, some bullshit man. That'll be fun. Test is nice though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Shit, that'd be nice. Everyone's just hating on you while you're driving around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guessing the content, so I got busted, and I'm not proud of this, it wasn't my proudest moment, but I was with my wife and a couple of her friends, and it was like a...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, there was someone driving aggressively behind us when like this candied out pickup truck passed us. I didn't know. I was like, of course. And then she was like, what do you mean? I was like, aw, fuck my dad. Not my proudest moment. For context too, my wife's black. So it was like, I was the only white man in the car and I hit it. Like the thing came by and I went, oh, of course. And I was like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was actually wondering the other day, have the attacks on elderly Asian women gone down? That seemed to like reach a fever pitch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anderson Cooper, he would have froze me if I just got back from this fucking clocking lady on the subway and Anderson's like knock it off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, nah, just like, you have to have like two dudes rolling. Like a seventh man. Yeaah. Oh yeaah, five men on the court, six men. Yeaah. But the sixth man is rolling. Yeaah. Anna. She's posterizing him. Swatting him. So one dude always has to be in a wheelchair? Yeaah. Six men on the court, one's in a wheelchair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Tharnad, dude, who among us would take that charge? I'm fucking bearing down on you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, dude. Dude, they, uh, who was the one, it was, uh, Joffrey was the lady, uh, Virginia Joffrey, I think, was like the original victim of Joffrey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guffrey came out and was like, these people did all this stuff to me and they, they like settled. That's, Epstein's original charge was because of Guffrey. And then they sealed all the documents. The court was like, alright, we'll settle this. And like, yea, like, my, our bad about all that stuff. But like, no one can ever find out about anything that had to do with it. Which is like, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my bad. A lot of people got busted during the Zoom. I think a lot of people got busted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It'd be a sigh-off. It'd have to be destroy from, yeaah, destroy the mentality the whole time. But yeaah, I never had like a jacked... You'd have to poison him, huh? True, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yo, our family's pretty tight, everyone's- I love my brother, though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, I mean, or get like the nice like, cause you don't wanna go too too high, cause they can chase that dragon forever too. That's true.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But like a nice dependable 401, yea, I totally agree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, the- This guy's walking? Yeaah, yeaah. The unpowerful couple, yeaah. The opposite of the power couple. Those guys are tough. And you see like the crackhead couples walking on the highway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. You're pedestrian, that sucks man walking down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a tiddlywink, it's for real, you go up and just like that, it's bizarre.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought you'd get sucked out. I still thought that until right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Has anyone done that before? Throwing a dog out with a parachute? Oh yeaah. I'm probably skydiving with a dog. Skydiving with, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is the ultimate roll down window though for the dog, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so dangerous though. I know, but they're so fun to play with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My fondest memories are me and my friends. You have a couple drink and show a gun. Yeah. High on fucking hallucinogens. High as shit. My father's gun. Pointing at each other. It's my favorite times. I think it's horrible. It's fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should YouTube prank your family if you have family dinner. Just bust out the shocker. I'm like, man, I fucking know for you guys. Yeah, I'm just fucking around. Just kidding. We're here. We got the cameras here, guys. I fucking pranked you. That's awesome, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm scared to carry them. I went shooting with my wife and I was carrying the gun to the car, which I was like, I'll carry it. And I fucking dropped it. I dropped the gun. You dropped it? I don't, I have a bad, I don't pay attention to things at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, she's trained. She was a fucking police officer. You don't get trained that way. It's sexy, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I can't have a gun. That was like, in my head, I was wanting to get a gun, and I was like, uhm, I can never have one. I can't personally carry one. I'm getting one, but it's gonna result in... We have them in our house, but she's in charge. I'm gonna hand in hand copy them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, you should own your airspace, but I don't know, it gets in like a hazy thing. Cause they're technically in airspace, so it's like, it's not your property, but I think you could shoot them in a court would be like, yeah, that'd make sense. It's the only reasonable thing to even do if you see a drone fly over you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is, it is objectively very funny though. To see homeless dudes fucking like shaking their fist out of fucking joy. It is funny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that was during Girls Gone Wild, so it was kinda like ggg. I never got ahold of one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My heart, my heart, yeaah, it's like my heart and it's just, they're talking, it's all business.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what the fuck do you want to do? Yeah, that should do it. Thank you, man. It was awesome. I think we did it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I used to eat them and forget. I would impulsively eat them. I used to make gummies and I would just be like, yeah, what the fuck? And I'd munch a couple of them and forget and be driving and be like, ah, shit, I forgot about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yep. Yeah, I've been off him for a while. It's been nice though. I've gotten a lot. I get so much shit done now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it gets you cause you're like, I'll be so stoned and I'll be like, I just got to enjoy my life and I'll just not do anything for two days and come back and like, fuck, I need to do stuff. This is not ideal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Illinois second biggest city? I think it's Chi-town and then maybe Pure Act could be wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Chicago is so fucking cold, dude. Oh, you went, did you go there on Christmas last year? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was supposed to go during Christmas. I was supposed to do like an in-law trip and we got our flight guy canceled due to the snow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking, I'm telling you man, my wife's from Chicago, she brought my wife from Chicago, she brought me there in the winter time, and I was just like, we'll never live here. We'll never live in Chicago dude. It's so fucking, the wind hits you and you get furious. Buffalo's fucking cold too. Buffalo's. Buffalo, the wind. Chicago's worse though. Yea, for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, there's, it's so chilly, dude. It's like, it's like cold and then the wind hits you and you're like, this is just bullshit. It's so fucking, it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's sick. Yeah. Raunchy. True. So how, does that really fu- I mean it has to fuck you up when it's that cold, like, it's gotta be tough to concentrate. I can't imagine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think minus four is good anywhere. It sucks. Yeaah, man. At least it's good. It drives people into indoors for the show. The bums are still out. True. You don't like the outdoors? No, when you do stand-up it's good. I have to try to use, like, I have to use nature to coerce people to go inside. So you want it to be really cold so people have no other option.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, fans are ruthless man. What do you think about playing over in London?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get sick, it's their fucking fault. It totally is their fault. That's fucking bullshit. Was it a Wembley?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never got to get it. I tried to get it every day. And I just, it was hard to get a hold of. I was like, please give me one. They went, we don't have any more left. Oh no. I survived though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Turned out. Well, that was tough, cause...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My family was like, my wife was like, I don't know what we should do. And I was just like, fuck it, we're not doing it. And then she was happy afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well they just, they just, they just went away. No one, it's like, it's like if you talk about it, like, oh my god, get over that. It's like, dude, like, that was insane. Now it's just gone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the new epidemic is amongst the, um, the super elderly. They're like, this is the new epidemic of COVID. It's like, what are you talking about? It was the whole time. They're putting out a new thing now. They're trying to like, like the elderly aren't getting boosters. So now they're just focusing on them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah man. It was also so easy to fake it too, that was the other thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was the funniest part of all of it. It was like, bro, you can fake this so. Did you do that in your specials, that joke? About dudes faking it? Yea. Going out to breakfast with dudes. It was me. I faked it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How old is he? How old is AB? Uh, probably like 34ish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Buffalo could use a bulldozer on a couple of their buildings.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But don't they have to pay you the original amount they said they would because I would just collect the bag. Why can't you just collect the bag?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they hired you and they're paying you. The Giants? Yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy was probably talking so much shit after he won too. That guy probably hasn't slept in months. I had his ass. I had him. He's like, I just know the game better than anybody and fucking. What was the score of the final? 28 to 0.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone's skinny, dude. The NBA is like, everyone's six foot nine and they're just emaciated. It's like the point card.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he's been so successful. Cole, I like you, alright? Cole, I like you a lot. Let's be friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I was like, dude, what if my nose bone's like in my brain right now and if I sneeze it fucking shoots up into my cortex and kills me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some of the things you want to keep the same about yourself or your life in 2024? Nothing. Where are you already crushing it dude? Nowhere. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get obsessed with how to change ourselves instead of just expanding on what we're already doing right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is nice man. That helps. 2024 is the year of self acceptance.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Therapy, I mean everyone should go on a therapy journey obviously to confront their uh, subconscious complexes before the complex completely consumes your entire psyche.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, everyone. No, I'm saying, what does it, what does it, oh, consume?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you don't get through the shell of your complex to its mythical core, you then become complex. I'm reading a book on Jungian psychology right now. But yea, it's a good thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist at any time for no additional charge. Ooh, that's nice. Be nice, dude. Be like, switch. Yep. Yo, switch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit betterhelp.com slash mssp today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h-e-l-p dot com slash mssp.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And also please come to St. Louis this weekend. Oh my gosh. I'll be in Helium St. Louis. Please come to that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, a bunch of other places. Please go to MattMcCusker.com slash dates. I have a bunch of shows coming up. Come on now Zanies. Nashville. Come on now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like accepted, you'd have a child molester in your area in like the 70's and you'd be like, yea that's the weird guy. Yea that guy's a weirdo.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm saying. There's been two, I think there's been two different mothers in different things that have like come in court and just shot dudes. It's been nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] True. Yea, locker room thief is pretty dastardly stuff. Especially with his teammates.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta get back to that. I gotta get back to that. It's a hatin' thief story. I hate it, that damn thief.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So yeaah, I would just tolerate it like such a bitch. I'd be like, oh well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea, I used to steal, I forgot I used to steal a lot of stuff. You're a thief. I was a thief. But always, I was more of a Robin Hood. You're more of a Robin Hood. Where I'd just give to myself from stores. I did chill though on the auto checkout. No more. That's good. I hung up the jersey on the self checkout. I'm like, I'm not doing that anymore. It's just wrong. It's just wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was nice. I didn't like doing it. It became absurd though. I was like, why am I doing this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I do like system breaking when you're like, I'm pretty sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't account for this, and then this is how you get around it. It's like yea, you scan your product, this guy's supposed to be watching, but like, he's talking to a lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's just, yeaah. I do like that. Seeing exactly how, cause I think what they're really relying on is for people to be like, well I'm not doing that. Cause it's just, there's no, it's crazy. Yeaah. I think they're batting down on that now though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like the cows, man. I like the cows eating grass. I've seen too many videos of those cows in like a fucking box with their legs cut off just getting like force fed gruel and I'm like, I don't like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can't do it. This was the first one I stayed up, but I didn't even see the ball drop or anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst of all time I've ever seen was the HBO documentary I was telling you to watch where they followed heroin addicts for like 25 years. That was really sad. One of the guys, spoiler alert, one of the guys dies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, they show his body and he was lying dead in a house for 10 days and his body exploded. They swell and then they pop and they just show this exploded body and you're like, what the?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twin flames is nice too, but I didn't see the whole thing. They talk about twin flames in this. Do they really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twin flames was bullshit compared to that though. That's the real deal. Lady drinking silver, meth head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's like, there's like a hardcore environmentalist that are on that bullshit, bro. Come on now. That's bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, we did a renovation and my wife was pregnant. We were on an air mattress in the apartment and she, every morning I'd watch her like do a push up to get off the air mattress and I was like, God, I'm such a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that's hard, that's harder than a relationship, dude. Women's, women's environment, especially their houses, like, when you disturb them. Oh, for sure. Fucks and sucks for everybody, but they can spin out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, dude. I like that though. I'm gonna start now just being like listening and going, I hear what you're saying, um, and then just walking away. No, don't even say that. Just look at the ground, act like you're


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, what's the shock like coming from college at the NFL? It's kinda fucking nuts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's awesome. Good thing you went back. Yeah, it worked out. Bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see, we had a friend whose dad would just like, we'd play basketball and he'd just be like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, basketball is my favorite sport to play now. It's so fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All my cousins are like 6'6". I grew up playing with them. It's yeaah. 6'6", lucky guys. They're big boys. 6'3", 6'4", 6'4".


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Yeah, sure bud. Fuck. So what are you doing to keep the fucking flame burning inside? You're recently done with the NFL. That's pretty recent, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's fucking nonsense. Can you just play though? Is there other places you can play?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no. They do. Dude, if you're gonna pick a class who has sex with the kids most, it is the gym teacher, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I don't know why they switched the name. They could have kept it as just Twitter. It's Elon's. Elon's now. True.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of food do you like? I like pastas. I like pizza. I like steak. I'm a lamb type guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pookie was in hot water for wearing an antebellum dress at a party in her college days.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fuck yeaah. His second time ever on the show. The first one being the New Year's Eve episode. This is his first time at Killtony at the mothership.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a guy? Come on Sydney, whatever, you have the name of a woman, let's do it. Gay guys and cowboys tonight. Here he is, Sydney Abusawan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a lot going on. Finally some news. It's been, I've been waiting for a bridge to get hit by a fucking boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah knew. Yeaah's not fed. Yeaah was like Diddy and Meek are fed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For calling the police. Apartment. Remember the Central Park lady? Which one?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The like, the birdwatcher guy? Yeah. I think he was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, like, being weird as fuck to that lady. Said he was gonna kill her dog. Probably, yea. And then she started swinging it around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're not going to ruin my pool day. I'm trying to read some Grisham.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Ocon Man's in one right now. Is he really? Yea, he's got one up there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lamar got there and he was, he was in a bad mood and the babes were at the pool and he was grumpy about it. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Big diddler. I downloaded Twitter again just to follow the diddler. The diddler, black twitter on the diddler was as funny as it gets. It's dude, it's unbelievable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? I think audio make more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's hurtful dude, cause that's just a picture of Diddy and Meek while the audio is playing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really? You can put a hit piece out on anybody. Yeaah dude. Just get a picture of two people and just play gay porn and be like here's leaked audio. This is them. This is them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those boys are probably having fun though, the six pros. Fucking for Diddy? The toots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I looked it up. The Illuminati changed the Google search to, and they said it was in Miami. It's like bro, that was obviously on Epsi's diamond.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's got the dirt on Jay-Z? Hope's not going to let that out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they could do that. They could just say he was trying to jack off, strangling himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He died in a stampede. In a dog pile. In a scrum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Very shameful. And then there's the Nickelodeon documentary that came out. I watched that. That's what I was watching the last two years. It's a tough watch. It's a very uncomfortable watch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Schneidmann. Schneider got off easy on that. I know. They were just saying he didn't get accused of any sexual assault in that. He did not. In the documentary, no. Okay. But they had the bros, the bros were sneaking around, dude. That's what I heard. A couple bros got caught on all that. Can't you release? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Louis Beth, when I was a kid, I was like, that's, that lady's got talent. I styled my entire career also.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a playground for it. Now, there's one guy in the, all that, that's the, it's not funny, but it is. There's one dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a, like a production assistant on all that and he would like be the liaison between the kids and the parents and like he became friends with all of them. And he was like a normal nice guy. Everyone was like, this guy's great. And then he emailed, he got, he got the kids emails.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And be like, I think you've got something we can work in the future on this. So all the parents were like, yeah, definitely. This is great. They're, they're in the business now. And then he would, he sent this 10 year old girl a email with a picture of him jacking off naked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the mom said she just heard her daughter start like scream crying and running into her bedroom. And then, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's just very funny thinking of the guy being like, you know how like when you're really horny and you're like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta go to their house. You gotta drive to their house with a gun and be like, give me, open your fucking email.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's, you sent a picture of your dick to a kid, you should, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wanted to bring up, uh, there's one more pedophile that's very funny because his, his, on the show he was Pickle Boy. And he would just go around and give people pickles and they were like, what's the joke? All the kids were like, I don't know. He just hands us pickles. Turns out he was a diddler, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, that's tough dude. Hooray. That was a tough one. Romano took the pickle through a glory hole and really double handed the pickle. Yeaah, it was sus. No dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's nice that our country's unified right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blacks and whites, we need to swap algorithms. Yea man. I think we need to see white people being dickheads, black people need to see black people being dickheads. That'd be nice. That is a- It's the opposite where we're all like, it's not our fault, it's black people's fault.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The algorithm knows you're a father now. And they're like, you hand the ball to the ref, you don't fucking showboat, you don't mouth off to the ref.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Driving around in the back of a Mercedes. That's the highest plane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's funny, me and Matt just, Matt just, we saw an old Mercedes and he was like, damn, that thing might, that's old, that's vintage. I wonder if it got to drive around any of the goats.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think cheaper than, like it's very expensive, but it's not like what you'd think.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Puffy Sean Combs. And uh, I don't know his real name. Start over dude, you got the nickname first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It actually made me more interested in what he has to offer. Yea man. If you can hold it down like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Remember that Norm, the Norm Tiger Woods? That's when I realized I was gay. There were two moments with Tiger Woods. It was the South Park episode and then Norm's joke about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was like, man, I'm being a dork. I'm being a white Karen.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That guy, that got a lot of people. Yeaah. Just being like, I knew it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're gonna be cold. God. I forgot. That's the worst feeling in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Getting in like a serious fight and then having to lay in bed next to each other. Fuck dude. It's the worst. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's flying. I think he went to the Dominican Republic or something. He's down there. He used to go to Haiti. He needs to link with fucking... True, the gorillas. He was the guy, uh, barbeque. He needs to link with barbeque down there. There's no way barbeque is still alive, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, but I figured that would be... They'd put him down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I've seen the revolution, it's not, it's not really a crack squad. It's just fucking dudes running around with guns.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's their tradition, dude. It's how they use the machetes from the fields as slaves and they revolted.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're still doing it. They've got a rich history of, that was the only slave revolt in the history of humanity that worked.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No. I just watched a documentary on it. It's hell, dude. Yeah. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's pretty bad, right? Yea, they've always just never gotten help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On the other side, you go to the DR, it's like, hey, you got Sammy Sosa over there having fun, trail, hitting home runs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna show you, when we take a break, the video of Haiti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Haiti just became Nickelodeon, dude. Rose went down. Mr. Handy was down there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we sure as a snob, it could have just been a sick wave. It could have been a big wave.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, probably the tsunami in Japan. The one in, uh, that hit like India and Indonesia and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Krakatoa. What was that? That was an Indonesian volcano.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They blew up a dam during World War II. Did they? Killed everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In the flood? Oh my god. Starved everybody.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's very scary. There's some funny ones though. Get some funny ones out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, man. On the bridge. That's so fucking scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I think a boat just lost power and hit it. Jesus Christ. I love the Twitter people just like, a boat hitting it would not collapse the bridge. This is an inside job. It's like, it's a pretty old fucking bridge. That was a big ass boat dude. I think that it looked pretty legit. I saw the video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are they doing? That's crazy. Yeah, they're using a terror attack to invade a country they already tried to invade.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been fucking with Iran. Yeah, true. But they've been yapping, dude. They yap. They do. They do. They deserve.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They deserve a little, yeaah. Not a war. We don't want an all out war, but they deserve, like, yo, chill. Fuck them, yeaah. We're good guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My career is just a fucking insane person. Yea it is. They're like the homeless guy on the train.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do you need? Dennis Rodman right now. Sure. We need a basketball game. Yeah, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is surprising how quiet the news is on the terror attack in Russia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] PrizePix is the largest daily fantasy sports platform in America, in North America. We are the easiest and most exciting way to play DFS. It's just you against the numbers. Instead of battling thousands of other players, including pros and sharks, you pick more than or less than on two to six player stat projections and watch the winnings roll in. Personal endorsement. I enjoy doing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Daily Fancies. Yeaah. You know who loved it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam Egott still does it. DFS. And him and Norm, Norm McDowell. Really? Allegedly, I don't know if the name.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] March Madness is here, which means the biggest moments in college basketball is getting closer. I love all the moments. The one shining moment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be a part of the action on prize picks for both men and women's college basketball. Don't forget the ladies. Oh yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prize picks even offers injury insurance so that your entries stay in play even if one of your players gets injured. Can you imagine that? For basketball games, if you have a player who exits the game in the first half and does not return in the second, that player projection won't count against you for the rest of your entries. Stay alive. Perfect.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Download the app today and use code drenched for a first deposit match up to $100. That's the prize picks app and use code drenched for a first deposit match up to $100. Pick more, pick less. It's that easy. Yes. Hey Matt, let's get back to the show. Let's do it. Oh wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, the one thing that kind of annoys me about like Cuomo and like, uh, what's his name? Uh, who's the black dude that was? Don Lemon. Don Lamone. Don Lamone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're just, they're making their own things now. And they're like, now we need free press. Now more. It's like you guys were the worst ones. I know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he's being a little snarky bitch to a guy who's like, you can have a show if you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll never forgive Cuomo for him and Don Lemon. I was watching it during the peaceful protests.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every night, because their shows were back to back, they would end each show by talking to each other. Like Cuomo would end his show into Don Lamone's. Yeaah. And they would both go on and they would be like, I love you brothers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He went into, he was like, I've been quarantining in my basement. I'm like, nah, it was a video of you outside.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm a free thinker. I'm the intelligent. I'm part of the intellectual community.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Damn, that whole squad they had going fell apart. It was good good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is making TikToks. Dude, go back and watch those. It's haunting. Yeah, they're crazy. It's very scary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be so pissed if my family member died and the nurse went out and filmed themselves like, well I gotta get myself back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good sketch. That would be funny. A really good sketch is walking into the hallway, like leaving the room where your parent just died, and you open the door and a nurse is going, you notice a camera, you're like, what the fuck are you doing? They'd have to be like, I'm so sorry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That sucks. You gotta like fight a bunch of like wolves? Yea dude, I mean the stories, the stories are sick. The stories are cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they resonate with us. Because we're bros, dude. We fucking want to fight wolves. Exactly. But girls want that. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but we have to be brave, dude. I'd rather be nice than fucking have to fight the Hydra.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Another, another good tale is the reluctant king.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've watched all of you. Of course I've done it. We all do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The first time you're in the green room and Rogan walks in, you enter NPC every se- You guys leave, which is very fun to watch. Second he walks in and I watch both of them like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I'm from Philadelphia. Well, not really. I'm from two hours away, but yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes a while, and then I, what's his name, he was there last night. Uh, Joey Diaz, he'll put you on MPC.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember the first time I met Kurt Metzger, I was in the NPC, I was just standing next to him and I was like, do you have a new special coming out?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was in New York and you were in the hallway. Attell crushed me the first time. Oh god, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude. Fuck. I was, he was, I was outside. Just made Chris Rock laugh inside. I was like, I'm the king, dude. Yeah. Walked outside. I was like, you got an extra cigarette? And he was just like, just walked away. I was like, aw man, why did I think I could do that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a lot of shows with them at the cellar we were always on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you walked in the room while he was on stage, he'd kill me every time. I'd walk in and be like, Shane, you must have had a good set. You're hanging around.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Voss will get you. Voss is that. Yeaah. Voss man does that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every single time he walks in the room, he's like, what are you looking at, stupid? What are you, a fucking middle act in Philadelphia? You think you're big time? A boss guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know who's the worst at that? The, the laugher from the stand? You know that guy who wears full, he wears like full Make America Great Again gear? No. He sits in the corner at the stand and scream laughs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I walk in the room and see him, I'm like, this is a wash.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He joker laughs his loud, like the loudest you've ever heard ruins every set. He's having fun though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Nate just joined us. Nate Marshall joined us. Let's switch over to the Patreon. Let's chat with Nate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're not sad, just- You better not be sad. I'm not sad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it gives me a percentage of how much juice and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should, I do want to switch to a Lucy type situation. A breaker sounds great. Yes. Thank you, Chris. Now let's get back to the show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well he said, when I sleep over at my house, at your house, I got something to show you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, fake news is- Yeah, that hurt my feelings. I hope. It wasn't even like a- A changed feeling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, to say that it's good. Right? That's what I'm saying? Like how would I say that's good?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you'd lose, you think you'd- You'd get tired of that too though, just like you'd do the cellphone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yea, I did. I smoked so much back then too, either. I was really out of the cool guy club. They all smoked Newports with the windows up and just ate sausage and cheese every morning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know I eat for fuel, not for pleasure. I'm not a glutton. I can put that up four if I'm hungry.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard about it, but I don't know. I think, I think mine comes out in different ways, like my cigarette smoking and my...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I ever tell you how my dad got the joke gift once? No. He got a joke gift from his buddies at work where it was like just two boobs, like boob balls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we did find my friend's, uh, parents, just like, they had a treasure chest of just nasty stuff. Wait, it was both of theirs? It was like cock rings and dildos. Uuuhhh. They're freaky types.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are sweetest people in the world so I won't divulge who they were but we really teased- Obviously you shouldn't, yea you shouldn't. We really teased my friend about it though and I feel guilty about it. Like in a nasty way that children do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] April 10th, Helium Philly. Please come to that if you can. I'd really appreciate it. It's in my Instagram, which is Sean Gardini. Thank you. And Optimum Noctus with Lemare Lee, March 5th, uh, this upcoming Tuesday. That's our new show at the Creek in the Caves. And then Lemare's at...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have any politics. I don't think about anything. I don't have... I just think about cool TV shows and stand up comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It can't be good for you. I think soda's worse for me. Like, if I don't have a soda by the end of the day, I start getting crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, pretty much, yeah. At least a little bit. Whaaat? A caffeinated soda or like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like one with supper usually. You have a soda with supper? If I don't have the soda, I need the sugar. True. The sugar, like, if I don't have the sugar, something happens to me where...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It is unbelievable. But then I wonder if the others are evolving. I've been worrying about that recently. The animals? I've been worrying about the sea creatures, the orcas attacking the humans. I'm wondering if they're evolving slowly. Probably, I mean if we- The otters attack the humans sometimes too now. They're figuring out that we can be prey under the right circumstances and that makes me nervous. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People that are my friends. I don't know if it's true, but I was scared about it yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's very interesting stuff about the attack on our twin towers that happened in the lone gunman spinoff series.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 9-11 news? I don't know, is it Chris Carter, right? That's the guy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, he just took it out of the parking and I guess he didn't feel comfortable driving anything so I told him do you want me to drive and I took it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he actually wasn't going to test drive at all. And I told him, like, you want me to drive to show you all the gears work and if it drives good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my dad thought, oh fuck, fuck with bad advice. Now that you put it that way, this is a very bad thing to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she moved out on February 28th. March 1st she texted me and said she moved out. I said okay fine. I went to the apartment. There was no refrigerator there. So I texted her and her significant other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No refrigerator. So I text, I said, listen, as I promised, I will not call the police and make a police report.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's a nice person. She's a really nice person. I was like, shocked by her. I got up by her action. Alright. Harvey, what do you think?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I believe that people should not be able to enter your apartment without your permission and you shouldn't be able to attach things to other people's property without permission. So the judge's decision was fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe it or not, summer is just around the corner. Luckily, Armor All, America's most trusted auto appearance brand, has what your car needs to get that perfect summer shine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, would you buy a car for a great price at an auction, great price, if it didn't have a title?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe it or not, summer is just around the corner. Luckily, Armor All, America's most trusted auto appearance brand, has what your car needs to get that perfect summer shine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Two days after, uhm, on the 11th of February 2014, when I went there, she handed me a list of the stuff that she will take.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] On my way to go do that, I pick up, uh, her niece and I had the dog with me. So it's all three of us now. So I'm on the highway now and I'm driving down the road.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe it or not, summer is just around the corner. Luckily, Armor All, America's most trusted auto appearance brand, has what your car needs to get that perfect summer shine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Believe it or not, summer is just around the corner. Luckily, Armor All, America's most trusted auto appearance brand, has what your car needs to get that perfect summer shine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammarly is a secure AI writing partner that gives your team an instant first draft in a few clicks, not a few hours. Companies that use Grammarly save an average of 19 days per employee per year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammarly works seamlessly across 500,000 apps and websites. Get personalized on-brand writing help everywhere your team works. Learn what better writing can do for your company at Grammarly.com. Grammarly. Easier said, done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammarly is a secure AI writing partner that gives your team an instant first draft in a few clicks, not a few hours. Companies that use Grammarly save an average of 19 days per employee per year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammarly works seamlessly across 500,000 apps and websites. Get personalized on-brand writing help everywhere your team works. Learn what better writing can do for your company at Grammarly.com. Grammarly. Easier said, done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammarly is a secure AI writing partner that gives your team an instant first draft in a few clicks, not a few hours. Companies that use Grammarly save an average of 19 days per employee per year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Grammarly works seamlessly across 500,000 apps and websites. Get personalized on-brand writing help everywhere your team works. Learn what better writing can do for your company at Grammarly.com. Grammarly. Easier said, done.