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[Assistant] I knew I couldn't go to Lily's. She is vehemently opposed to any form of government that is not by the people, exercised either directly or through elected representatives.


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[Assistant] She's always said that when sovereignty is vested in a single person whose right to rule is hereditary, the principles of social equality and respect for the individual within a community are irrevocably lost.


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[Assistant] This is why today real power has passed from reigning monarchs to constitutional assemblies, making royals such as Queen Elizabeth mere symbols of national unity.


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[Assistant] At least that's what she said in her oral report in World Civ the other day.


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[Assistant] And I guess I kind of agree with Lily, especially about Prince Charles. He did treat Diana like dirt, but...


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[Assistant] My dad isn't like that. Yeah, he plays polo and all, but he would never dream of subjecting anyone to taxation without representation.


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[Assistant] Still, I was pretty sure the fact that the people of Genovia don't have to pay taxes wasn't going to make any difference to Lily.


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[Assistant] I knew the first thing my dad would do was call mom, and she'd be all worried.


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[Assistant] I hate making my mom worry. Even though she can be very irresponsible at times, it's only with things like bills and the groceries. She's never irresponsible about me.


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[Assistant] Like, I have friends whose parents don't even remember sometimes to give them subway fare.


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[Assistant] I have friends who tell their parents they're going to so and so's apartment and then instead they go out drinking and their parents never find out because they don't even check with the other kid's parents.


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[Assistant] So I knew it wasn't fair to run off like that and make her worry.


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[Assistant] I didn't care much then about what my dad thought. I was pretty much hating him by then.


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[Assistant] But I just had to be alone for a little while. I mean, it takes some getting used to finding out you're a princess.


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[Assistant] I've never been good at girly stuff, you know, like putting on makeup and wearing pantyhose and stuff. I mean, I can do it if I have to, but I'd rather not. Much rather not.


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[Assistant] Anyway, I don't know how, but my feet sort of knew where they were going, and before I knew it, I was at the zoo. I love the Central Park Zoo. I always have since I was a little kid.


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[Assistant] It's way better than the Bronx Zoo because it's really small and cozy.


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[Assistant] And the animals are much friendlier, especially the seals and the polar bears. I love polar bears. At the Central Park Zoo, they have this one polar bear and all he does all day long is the backstroke. I swear.


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[Assistant] He was on the news once because this animal psychologist was worried he was under too much stress. It must suck to have people looking at you all day.


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[Assistant] But then they brought him some toys and after that he was alright. He just kicks back in his enclosure.


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[Assistant] They don't have cages at the Central Park Zoo. They have enclosures and watches you watching him. Sometimes he holds a ball while he does it. I love that bear.


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[Assistant] So, after I forked over a couple of dollars to get in, that's the other good thing about the zoo, it's cheap, I paid a little call on the polar bear.


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[Assistant] He appeared to be doing fine. Much better than I was at the moment. I mean...


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[Assistant] His dad hadn't told him he was the heir to the throne of anywhere. I wondered where that polar bear had come from. I hoped he was from Iceland.


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[Assistant] After a while I got too crowded at the polar bear enclosure, so then I went into the penguin house. It smells kind of bad in here, but it's fun.


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[Assistant] There are these windows that look underwater so you can see the penguins swimming around, sliding on the rocks, and having a good penguin time.


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[Assistant] Little kids put their hands on the glass and when a penguin swims toward them, they start screaming. It totally cracks me up.


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[Assistant] There's a bench you can sit on too, and that's where I'm sitting now, writing this. You get used to the smell after a while. I guess you can get used to anything. Oh my.


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[Assistant] God, I can't believe I just wrote that. I will never get used to being Princess Amelia Rinaldo. I don't even know who that is. It sounds like the name of some stupid line of makeup or of somebody from a Disney movie who's been missing and just recovered her memory or something. What am I going to do?


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[Assistant] I can't move to Genovia, I just can't. Who would look after fat Louie? My mom can't. She forgets to feed herself, let alone a cat.


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[Assistant] I'm sure they won't let me have a cat in the palace. At least not a cat like Louie who weighs 25 pounds and eats socks. He'd scare all the ladies in waiting.


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[Assistant] If Lana Weinberger finds out about this, I'm dead.


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[Assistant] Oh, that evil boy. I'll certainly scold him for this.


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[Assistant] cried Joe, but her mother stopped her, saying, Stop, Joe.


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[Assistant] You have played many jokes before, and I am afraid you were a part of this.


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[Assistant] Oh, Mother, I haven't. I never saw that note before and don't know anything about it, said Joe honestly.


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[Assistant] If I had taken part in it, I'd have done it better than this.


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[Assistant] Mr. Brooke wouldn't write such things, she added angrily.


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[Assistant] I don't believe Brooke ever saw either of these letters, said Joe, examining the two letters. Lori wrote them both and keeps yours to tease me because I won't tell him my secret.


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[Assistant] Now Joe, I'll comfort Meg while you go get Lori.


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[Assistant] Do you love him enough to wait till he can make a home for you? Or will you keep yourself free for the present?


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[Assistant] Saturday, October 4th, early, Still Lily's Place.


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[Assistant] Why do I always have such a good time when I spend the night at Lily's?


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[Assistant] I mean, it's not like they've got stuff that I don't have. In fact, my mom and I have better stuff.


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[Assistant] The Moskovitz has only got a couple of movie channels, and because I took advantage of the last Time Warner cable bonus offer, we have all of them. Cinemax, and HBO, and Showtime for the low, low rate of $19.99 per month.


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[Assistant] Plus, we have way better people to spy on through our windows like Ronnie, who used to be a Ronald but is now called Ronette, and who has a lot of big, fancy parties.


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[Assistant] And that skinny German couple who wear black all the time even in summer and never pull down their blinds.


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[Assistant] On 5th Avenue, where the Moskvices live, there's nobody good to look at. Just other rich psychoanalysts and their children.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you, you don't see anything good through their windows.


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[Assistant] But it's like, every time I spend the night here, even if all Lily and I do is hang out in the kitchen, eating macaroons left over from Rosh Hashanah, I have such a great time.


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[Assistant] Maybe that's because Maya, the Moscovitz's Dominican maid,


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[Assistant] Never forgets to buy orange juice and she always remembers that I don't like the pulpy kind. And sometimes, if she knows I'm staying over, to pick up a vegetable lasagna from Balducci's instead of a meat one, especially for me like she did last night.


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[Assistant] Or maybe it's because I never find moldy old containers of anything in the Moskovitz's refrigerator.


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[Assistant] Maya throws away anything that's even one day past its expiration date. Even sour cream that still has the protective plastic around the lid. Even cans of tab.


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[Assistant] And the doctors Moskovitz never forget to pay the electricity bill. Con Ed has never once shut down their power in the middle of a Star Trek movie marathon.


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[Assistant] And Lily's mom, she always talks about normal stuff. Like what a great deal she got on Calvin Klein pantyhose at Bergdorf's.


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[Assistant] Not that I don't love my mom or anything, I totally do.


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[Assistant] I just wish she could be more of a mom and less of an artist.


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[Assistant] And I wish my dad could be more like Lily's dad, who always wants to make me an omelette because he thinks I'm too skinny, and who walks around in his old college sweatpants when he doesn't have to go to his office to analyze anybody.


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[Assistant] I just don't understand how he could let something like this happen.


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[Assistant] He's usually so organized. How could he have let himself become a prince? I just don't understand it.


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[Assistant] The best thing, I guess, about going to Lily's is that while I'm there, I don't even have to think about things like how I'm flunking algebra or how I'm the heir to the throne of a small European principality.


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[Assistant] I can just relax and enjoy some real homemade poppin' fresh cinnamon buns and watch Pavlov, Michael Sheltie.


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[Assistant] Try to herd Maya back into the kitchen every time she tries to come out. Last night was totally fun.


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[Assistant] The doctors Moskowitz were out. They had to go to a benefit at the Puck building for the homosexual children of survivors of the Holocaust.


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[Assistant] So Lily and I made this huge vat of popcorn smothered in butter and climbed into her parents' giant canopy bed and watched all the James Bond movies in a row.


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[Assistant] We were able to definitely determine that Pierce Brosnan was the skinniest James Bond, Sean Connery the hairiest, and Roger Moore the most tan.


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[Assistant] None of the James Bond's took off their shirts enough for us to decide who had the best chest, but I think probably Timothy Dalton. I like chest hair. I think.


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[Assistant] It was sort of ironic that while I was trying to decide this, Lily's brother came into the room. He had on a shirt, though.


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[Assistant] He looked kind of annoyed. He said my dad was on the phone.


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[Assistant] My dad was all mad because he'd been trying to get through for hours, only Michael was on the internet answering fan mail for his webzine crackhead, so my dad kept getting a busy signal. I must have looked like I was going to throw up or something, because after a minute Michael said,


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[Assistant] Okay, don't worry about it, Thermopolis. I'll tell him you and Lily already went to bed, which is a lie my mother would never believe, but it must have gone over pretty well with my dad, since Michael came back and reported that my dad had apologized for calling so late, it was only eleven, and that he'd speak to me in the morning. Great. I can't wait. I guess I must have still looked like I was going to throw up.


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[Assistant] Because Michael called his dog and made him get into bed with us, even though pets aren't allowed in the Drs. Moskovitz's room.


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[Assistant] Pavlov crawled into my lap and started licking my face, which he'll only do to people he really trusts.


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[Assistant] Then Michael sat down to watch the movies with us, and in the interest of science, Lily asked him which Bond girls were most attractive to him. The Blondes who always needed James Bond to rescue them, or the Brunettes who were always pulling guns on him.


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[Assistant] And Michael said he couldn't resist a girl with a weapon, which got us started on his two favorite TV shows of all time, Xena Warrior Princess and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.


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[Assistant] So then, not really in the interest of science, but more out of plain curiosity, I asked Michael if it was the end of the world, and he had to repopulate the planet, but he could only choose one life mate? Who would it be? Xena? Or Buffy?


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[Assistant] After telling me how weird I was for thinking of something like that, Michael chose Buffy.


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[Assistant] And then Lily asked me if I had to choose between Harrison Ford or George Clooney, who would it be?


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[Assistant] Harrison Ford, even though he's so old, but the Harrison Ford from Indiana Jones, not Star Wars.


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[Assistant] And then Lily said she'd choose Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan in those Tom Clancy movies. And then Michael goes, who would you choose? Harrison Ford or Leonardo DiCaprio? And we both chose Harrison Ford because Leonardo is so passe. And then he went, who would you choose? Harrison Ford or Josh Richter?


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[Assistant] And Lily said Harrison Ford because he used to be a carpenter and if it was the end of the world he could build her a house.


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[Assistant] But I said Josh Richter because he'd live longer. Harrison is like 60 and be able to give me a hand with the kids.


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[Assistant] are used to control the lights the warmth within the submarine


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[Assistant] I use the chemicals found in seawater to create the electricity.


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[Assistant] I depend upon the seawater to produce the electricity, and the electricity gives heat, light,


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[Assistant] As I often go to the surface of the water, and I have a great deal of air stored, if I am unable to come to the surface quickly. It is incredible, Captain! We have not finished, Professor Arnash. You still have not seen the back of the Nautilus.


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[Assistant] It's an excellent boat. Used for fishing or for pleasure.


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[Assistant] This boat is attached to the top of the submarine.


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[Assistant] As there is an electric wire connected to the boat.


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[Assistant] And I send a message through the wire when I wish for the nautilus to come to the surface.


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[Assistant] With a length of 232 feet.


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[Assistant] There are two iron coverings, one inside the other.


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[Assistant] At each end of the submarine are breathable air storage rooms. If I wish for the nautilus


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[Assistant] If I wish to go to great depths in the ocean, I must sink at a low speed.


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[Assistant] So the passengers are able to get used to the pressure changes. And when I wish to return to the surface,


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[Assistant] I simply use electricity to empty the storage space that has been filled with water.


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[Assistant] Therefore, allowing the Nautilus to rise again. My submarine has a great amount of power with the use of electricity which gives life to the submarine.


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[Assistant] If I wish to travel five or six miles below the surface, I must move at quite a low speed.


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[Assistant] We are able to see our path through the glass box where members of my crew control the direction. This glass is nearly 10 inches thick.


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[Assistant] Able to resist the great pressure deep under the surface of the oceans.


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[Assistant] The nautilus's path is lit by a powerful electric light.


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[Assistant] Allowing the Nautilus to see nearly half a mile ahead.


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[Assistant] No, that was indeed an accident, sir.


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[Assistant] I was sailing only one fathom below the surface of the water when the two crashed.


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[Assistant] I love it as if it were part of myself. Here, below the ocean's surface, there are no other ships to crash into, no fire to fear, as the submarine is made entirely of iron, and the electricity supplies all our needs. In the depths of the ocean, there is only calm. I can understand this creation perfectly, as I am not only the captain,


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[Assistant] But how were you able to build this nautilus in secret? Each part, Professor Ernest, has come from a different part of the earth. The bottom came from southern France. The iron coverings came from London. The storage spaces came from Sweden. And the measurement instruments came from New York.


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[Assistant] We destroyed everything else we had brought to the island, so no one would know we had been there.


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[Assistant] So, the cost of this submarine was quite expensive? Professor Aronash?


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[Assistant] The cost of this submarine was nearly 147,500 English pounds and about 200,000 pounds for the collection of paintings you have seen. You are rich, then? Quite rich, sir. I could easily pay off France's debt, but still have a fortune.


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[Assistant] Could this be the first groan of the wounded beast? Sir? Read me the letter.


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[Assistant] All I want to do is avoid losing more men, but it seems we will have to order an attack. The sovereign wants it, the generals want it, and I can see that my men want it.


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[Assistant] Call the generals to me, and I'll lead this useless battle. Sir?


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[Assistant] Why? They're leaving, aren't they? Leave them alone and they'll melt away like a snowball.


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[Assistant] Why should I lose any more men than I need to? The beast is wounded. The beast is mortally wounded.


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[Assistant] The partisans will do the rest. Thank you, Lord. You have listened to our prayers. Racha is saved.


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[Assistant] And the answer is no. I will not order this battle. Tell His Majesty.


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[Assistant] Worse than the lowest beggars. When we were strong, we had no pity for ourselves, but now we can pity them. Eh? They're people as well, aren't they lads?


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[Assistant] We didn't hear the exact words, but we got the


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[Assistant] Pierre Birzukoff was played by Patterson Joseph. Countess Rostoff, Leslie Manville. Count Rostoff, Alan Armstrong.


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[Assistant] Napoleon, Simon Russell Beale. Denisov, Jonathan Slinger. Prince Vasily Kuragin, David Calder. Ellen, Charlotte Emerson. Anatole, Ferdinand Kingsley. Annette Scherer, Joanna David. Maria Dimitrievna, Sarah Bedell. Bazdiev, Ronald


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[Assistant] It was a peer production for BBC Radio 4.


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[Assistant] Privately. Now? I haven't even greeted my wife. Please papa.


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[Assistant] Worse, I lost at cards. You can't play cards and not lose. You don't understand. I lost 43,000 rubles to Dolikov.


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[Assistant] I so much prefer army life, where the only question is whether you're prepared to die for your fatherland. And the answer is yes. I'll join you in the next few days. And you'll keep me from ever gambling again.


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[Assistant] We seem to spend months there, retreating, advancing, retreating again. The land was devastated. There was no food.


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[Assistant] I don't understand how Andre could forget the army so easily. It seems to me you never forget the bond that unites you.


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[Assistant] When I returned to the army, I felt that bond with Denisov and with the whole Pavrogradsky regiment.


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[Assistant] It was spring, and everything had turned to mud. The few inhabitants who remained were starving, and we couldn't get provisions.


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[Assistant] Where? Well, there were two wagons I think.


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[Assistant] I asked the officers if they'd let us have something and it was definitely for the infantry. How many officers were there? Not many, can't remember.


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[Assistant] And if you hadn't visited- I couldn't get there till June, two months later, when some truce was declared.


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[Assistant] I walked down corridors looking for the officers wards. There were wounded and sick men lying along the corridors on straw and overcoats.


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[Assistant] Some only had their underwear on and most of them were missing a limb.


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[Assistant] I reached the three rooms which made up the officer's wards. There were rows of beds, and I looked through the first room. Hello, Denisov. When I reached the second room, I saw someone looking at me intently.


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[Assistant] That's when I knew something was very wrong.


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[Assistant] I rode straight to Tilcet with a petition without even asking for permission. I looked for Boris.


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[Assistant] It wasn't very difficult to find him, even in a big town. Everyone seemed to know him.


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[Assistant] He was living very comfortably, as he always seemed to do, and looking very neat.


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[Assistant] What two emperors? There is only one emperor, and that's our sovereign, the Emperor Alexander. And then there is the upstart Bonaparte.


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[Assistant] I've just come back from a hospital where I've seen hundreds of men without arms and legs, dying of typhus and rags and filth, and it's all because of Bonaparte, our enemy, and I can speak of him any way I like. Otherwise, what has it all been for? You can't speak like that in the hospital.


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[Assistant] Listen, I've come about my friend, Denisov. Major Denisov. Major?


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[Assistant] I didn't come to discuss the rights and wrongs with you. He's written a petition to the Emperor asking for mercy.


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[Assistant] What would Natasha say? Who? Oh, your sister. My dear. Does it matter? And that was that. I don't think I've spoken to Boris since.


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[Assistant] I was determined to find the Emperor Alexander and thrust the petition into his hands.


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[Assistant] I actually went to the house occupied by the Sovereign and tried to get in.


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[Assistant] There were generals in full uniform waiting, and suddenly one of them, an old cavalry general who commanded us at Ausilid, saw me and called out to me.


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[Assistant] He was one of those real generals, close to his men, and he remembered Deniso very well.


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[Assistant] I managed to give it to him just as the gentleman of the sovereign suite ran down the steps asking us to make way. And then he came.


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[Assistant] The emperor himself, with his usual grace, looking so mild and gentle still. It was like ausilates all over again.


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[Assistant] Hello, I'm Gary. I'm from Baby Cube and I would like to read you a story. Just a Little Too Little by Mercer Mayer. I am going camping. I will sleep out in the woods.


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[Assistant] Mom says I'm a little too little and I should camp out in the backyard. I find a good campsite. I get the tent. Dad will have to help me. I'm not too little, but the tent is too big. I am hungry now. I will build a campfire and cook hot dogs.


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[Assistant] Dad says I'm a little too little to make my own campfire. Dad cooks hot dogs on the stove.


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[Assistant] I help, but they're not as good as they are outside. I am not too little to build a race car. I go to dad's shop.


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[Assistant] Dad, I say, I need a saw, a hammer, and some nails. Dad says I'm a little too little to use a sharp saw. We make a race car together. I'm not too little for that. My race car is finished. I will ride down the big hill by myself.


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[Assistant] Dad rides with me because I'm just a little too little. The race car falls apart.


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[Assistant] We crash. I say, wow, that was fun, Dad. We go home. Maybe Dad is a little too big for race cars. Dad is tired, so I will help and get the leaves out of our roof.


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[Assistant] Dad says, no, you're a little too little for that. I have a better idea. We can fix the tent for your camp out. Dad says, after that we will eat dinner. I eat in my tent.


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[Assistant] Mom makes me take a bath, brush my teeth, and put on my pajamas. Then I get snacks and toys and go back out to the tent.


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[Assistant] I bring my bear, my favorite blanket, and a big flashlight. I am ready now. My little sister says, you'll be inside as soon as it gets dark.


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[Assistant] It gets dark. It gets darker. The dark is big. But I am not a little too little. Because I can snuggle with my dad. The end.


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[Assistant] I just turned on my computer to look up some stuff about Afghanistan on the internet. I have to write a paper for World Civ on a current event. And then I saw that someone was instant messaging me.


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[Assistant] I hardly ever get instant messages, so I was totally excited. But then I saw who it was from. Crack King. Michael Moskowitz? What could he want? Here's what he wrote. Crack King.


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[Assistant] Hey Thermopolis, what happened to you last night? It's like you went mental or something. Me? Mental?


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[Assistant] Fat Louie, for your information, I did not go mental. I just got tired of your sister always telling me what to do. Not that it's any of your business. Crack King.


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[Assistant] What are you being so snotty about? Of course it's my business. I have to live with her, don't I?


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[Assistant] Fat Louie, why is she talking about me? Crack King. You could say that. I can't believe she's been talking about me, and you know she can't have been saying anything good. Fat Louie, what's she saying?


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[Assistant] Crack King. I thought it wasn't any of my business.


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[Assistant] I'm so glad I don't have a brother. Fat Louie, it isn't. What you saying about me? Crack King.


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[Assistant] Me? A head case? What about her? She's the one who's always criticizing me. I'm so sick of it. If she wants to be my friend, why can't she just accept me the way I am? Crack King. No need to yell. Fat Louie, I'm not yelling. Crack King.


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[Assistant] You're using excessive amounts of punctuation and online, that's like yelling. Besides, she's not the only one criticizing. She says you won't support her boycott opposed deli. At Louie.


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[Assistant] Well, she's right. I won't. It's stupid, don't you think it's stupid? Crack King. Sure it's stupid. Are you still flunking algebra? That was out of the blue. That Louie?


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[Assistant] I guess so, but considering the fact that Mr. G slept over last night, I'll probably scrape by with a D. Why? Crack King. What? Mr. G slept over at your place? What was that like?


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[Assistant] Why did I tell him that? It'll be all over school by tomorrow morning. Maybe Mr. G will get fired!


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[Assistant] I don't know if teachers are allowed to date their pupils' mothers. Why did I tell Michael that? That Louie.


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[Assistant] It was pretty awful, but then he kind of joked around and made it okay. I don't know. I should probably be more mad, but my mom's so happy it's hard. Crack King.


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[Assistant] Your mom could do a lot worse than Mr. G. Imagine if she was going out with Mr. Stewart.


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[Assistant] Mr. Stewart teaches health. He thinks he's God's gift to women. I haven't had him yet since you don't have health until sophomore year, but even I know you should never go near Mr. Stewart's desk, because if you do, he'll reach out and rub your shoulders like he's giving you a massage.


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[Assistant] Oh, because I'm done with this month's issue of Crackhead, and I thought if you wanted, I could tutor you during GNT, if you wanted. Nekomarskivets offering to do something for me?


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[Assistant] More Tuesday, Algebra. Oh my god, I can't even believe this, but it must be true since Shemeika just told me. Lily?


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[Assistant] Lily has a date. I thought all the boys in our school were terrified of Lily. But there's one boy who's not.


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[Assistant] Monday, October 20th, 8am. Okay.


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[Assistant] So I was just in the kitchen, eating cereal, you know, the usual Monday morning routine.


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[Assistant] When my mom comes out of the bathroom with this funny look on her face, I mean


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[Assistant] She was all pale and her hair was kind of sticking out and she had on her terry cloth robe instead of her kimono which usually means she's premenstrual. So I said,


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[Assistant] Mom, you want some MyDoll? Because, no offense, you look like you could use some.


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[Assistant] Which is sort of a dangerous thing to say to a premenstrual woman, but you know, she's my mom and all.


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[Assistant] It's not like she was going to karate chop me the way she would if anybody else said that to her. But she just said


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[Assistant] No, no thanks. In the stazed voice.


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[Assistant] So then I assumed something really horrible had happened. You know, like Fat Louie had eaten another sock, or they were cutting off our electricity again because I'd forgotten to fish the bill out of the salad bowl where Mom keeps stuffing them. So I grabbed her, and I was like, Mom, Mom, what is it? What's wrong?


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[Assistant] She sort of shook her head like she does when she's confused over the microwave instructions on a frozen pizza.


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[Assistant] Oh my god! My mom is having my algebra teacher's baby!


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[Assistant] Things to do. One, English journal. Two, stop thinking about that stupid letter. Three, ditto Michael Moskowitz. Four, ditto the interview. Five, ditto mom.


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[Assistant] 6 Change cat litter. 7 Drop off laundry. 8


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[Assistant] Get super to put lock on bathroom door. Nine by Dishwashing Liquid Q-Tips Canvas stretchers for mom.


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[Assistant] That stuff you put on your fingernails that makes them taste bad.


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[Assistant] Something nice for Mr. Giannini to say, welcome to the family.


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[Assistant] Something nice for dad to say, don't worry, someday you too will find true love.


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[Assistant] An art. Frank, should be making what Tom Cruise does for teaching you how to multiply fractions the way he did.


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[Assistant] This last question caused Lily to look from me to Kenny and then back again. Then she looked at Michael. Then she stood up too. Come on, Al, she said giving Boris a tap on the head. Let's blow this juke joint. Only of course Boris didn't understand.


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[Assistant] What is a juke joint? Yes, and why are we blowing it? Everyone started digging around for money to pay the bill, which was when I remembered that I didn't have any. Money, I mean, I didn't even have a purse to put money in.


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[Assistant] That was the one part of my wedding ensemble Gromare had forgotten. I elbowed Lars and whispered, Have you got any cash? I'm a little low at the moment. Lars nodded and reached for his wallet. That's when Kenny, who noticed this, went, Oh no, Mia, your pancakes are on me.


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[Assistant] This of course completely freaked me out. I didn't want Kenny to pay for my pancakes or Lars' five cups of coffee either. Oh no, I said that isn't necessary.


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[Assistant] Which didn't have at all the desired effect since Kenny said all stiffly, I insist, and started throwing dollar bills down on the table.


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[Assistant] Remembering I'm supposed to be gracious, being a princess and all, I said, Well, thank you very much, Kenny. Which was when Lars handed Michael a twenty and said, For the movie tickets.


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[Assistant] Only then Michael wouldn't take my money. Okay, it was Lars' money, but my dad totally would have paid him back, either. He looked totally embarrassed and went, Oh, no, my treat. Even after I strenuously insisted. So then I had to say, Well, thank you very much, Michael.


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[Assistant] When all I really wanted to say was GET ME OUT OF HERE! Because with two different guys paying for me, it was like I'd been out on a date with both of them at once. Which, I guess, in a way, I had.


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[Assistant] You would think I would be very excited about this. I mean, considering I'd never really been out even with one guy before, let alone two at the same time, except


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[Assistant] That it was totally and completely not fun. Because for one thing,


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[Assistant] I didn't actually want to be going out with one of them at all, and for another, he was the one who'd actually confess to liking me, even if it had been anonymous.


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[Assistant] And get in bed and pull the covers up over my head and pretend it hadn't happened.


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[Assistant] I had to stay up at the plaza with Claire and my dad until they got back.


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[Assistant] But, just when I thought things had sunk to an all time low, as everyone was piling into the limo,


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[Assistant] Well, a few people asked for rides home, and how could I say no? It wasn't like we didn't have the room.


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[Assistant] I blinked up at him in the pink and blue light from the neon round the clock sign in the window behind us.


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[Assistant] You look really nice in that dress. He said all in a rush.


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[Assistant] I smiled up at him, feeling just like Cinderella all of a sudden.


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[Assistant] You know at the end of the Disney movie when Prince Charming finally finds her and puts the slipper on her foot and her rags change back into the ball gown and all the mice come out and start singing? That's how I felt, just for a second. Then this voice right beside us said, Are you guys coming or what? And we looked over and there was Kenny sticking his head


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[Assistant] And his one unsevered arm out of the sunroof of the limo.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I said, feeling totally and utterly embarrassed. Yes. And I got into the limo like nothing had happened. And actually, if you think about it, nothing really had. Except that the whole way back to the plaza, this little voice inside my brain was going, Michael said I looked nice.


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[Assistant] Maybe Michael didn't write those notes, and maybe he doesn't think I'm the Josiest girl in school. But he thought I looked nice in my pink dress, and that's all that matters to me.


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[Assistant] Friday, October 31st, homeroom. I woke with the strangest feeling of foreboding. I couldn't figure out why for a few minutes.


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[Assistant] That Louie was at the end of my bed, needing the comforter and prurring very loudly. Then I remembered.


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[Assistant] Today, according to my grandmother, is the day my pregnant mother is supposed to marry my algebra teacher in a huge ceremony at the Plaza Hotel with musical accompaniment, courtesy of John Tesh.


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[Assistant] I lay there for a minute wishing my temperature was 102 again, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed.


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[Assistant] And face what was sure to be a day of drama and hurt feelings.


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[Assistant] And then I remembered my email from the night before and jumped right out of bed.


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[Assistant] And with any luck, by the end of the night, you'll have admitted it to my face.


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[Assistant] Later on Tuesday. My mom stayed home from the studio today. I croaked to her that she shouldn't.


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[Assistant] She has a show at the Mary Boone Gallery in about a month, and I know she only has about half the paintings done that she's supposed to have. If she should happen to succumb to morning sickness, she is one dead realist. But she stayed home anyway. I think she feels guilty.


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[Assistant] I think she thinks my getting sick is her fault. Like all my anxiety over the state of her womb weakened my autoimmune system or something.


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[Assistant] As one of her friends told her this is supposedly a good way to combat the common cold. That was not so nice.


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[Assistant] Clearly if this keeps up, I will be unable to be interviewed by Beverly Belle Reeve on Saturday. Yippee.


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[Assistant] John Tesh begins to play, at least until Glomare barks, Oh, shut up! with a letter from my mother said, Dear Mia, By the time you read this, Frank and I will be married.


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[Assistant] I am sorry I couldn't tell you sooner, but when your grandmother asks you if you knew, and she will ask you,


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[Assistant] I wanted to be sure you could say truthfully that you didn't, so there won't be any ill feeling between the two of you.


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[Assistant] More than anything, Frank and I wanted you to be there for our wedding. So we have decided that when we get back, we're going to have another ceremony.


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[Assistant] This one will be kept strictly secret and very private with just our little family and our friends. Well, that certainly should be interesting.


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[Assistant] Most of my mom's friends are militant feminists or performance artists. One of them likes to stand up on a stage and pour chocolate syrup all over her naked body while reciting poetry.


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[Assistant] I wonder how they are going to get along with Mr. G's friends, who I understand like to watch a lot of sports.


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[Assistant] You have been a tower of strength during this crazy time, Mia, and I want you to know how much I, as well as your father, and stepfather, appreciate it.


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[Assistant] You are the best daughter a mother could have and this new little guy or girl


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[Assistant] Is the luckiest baby in the world to have you as a big sister. Missing you already? Mom.


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[Assistant] Thursday, September 10th, ladies room, Albert Einstein High School. How do I always end up here?


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[Assistant] Writing in my journal in a stall of the ladies room, I mean. It is becoming like a ritual or something. Anyway, it all started innocently enough.


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[Assistant] We were talking about last night's episode of the OC, when next thing I knew, Tina was going, Hey, did you tell Lily yet? And Lily was all, Tell me what?


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[Assistant] And I totally thought Tina meant the thing about doing it with Michael and I mouthed


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[Assistant] Pinky swear at her until she went, how about your parents going away to Indiana this weekend, I mean.


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[Assistant] Which I must have mentioned to her in a moment of weakness, although I don't remember doing so.


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[Assistant] Lily looked at me all excited. They are? That's great! We can have another party!


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[Assistant] Hello. You would think Lily, of all people, wouldn't want to come to another party at my place.


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[Assistant] Or at least be a little more sensitive about the fact that her ex, who she'd lost forever at my last party, was sitting right there. But she totally didn't seem to notice or care. So what time can we come over? She wanted to know.


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[Assistant] Just because my mom and Mr. G are going away does not mean I'll be having a party. I yelled, all panicky. Yeaah, Lily said, looking thoughtful.


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[Assistant] I forgot your heir to the throne of Genovia. It's not like they're going to leave you there alone. But that's okay.


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[Assistant] We can probably get Lars and Waheem to go off by themselves somewhere. No! I said. That's not it.


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[Assistant] No parties, I said, in my most princessy voice. Lily just sniffed and went,


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[Assistant] Just because you gotta be on an English paper, don't take it out on me. Oh, okay Lily, I won't.


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[Assistant] And just because your parents don't trust you enough to let you stay alone in the house on account of that one time you set off the sprinkler system in the building with your homemade


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[Assistant] You know, about Ms. Martinez being a big, huge uber phony. They were all shocked, of course.


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[Assistant] That you can't tell what's in someone's heart by the way he or she dresses.


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[Assistant] He shot a very significant look at me when he said this. But I don't care.


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[Assistant] Tucking your sweater into your pants is not a good look for anyone.


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[Assistant] She probably means well, Tina said since she tries to find the good in everyone.


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[Assistant] There is never any justification for crushing the artistic spirit.


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[Assistant] Ling Su said, and since she can draw better than anyone in our whole school, she would know.


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[Assistant] Lots of so-called critics and reviewers meant well when they ravaged the works of the Impressionists in the 19th century.


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[Assistant] But if artists like Renoir and Monet had followed their advice, some of the greatest works of art in the world would never have been created.


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[Assistant] Well, I wouldn't exactly compare my writing to a Renoir painting, I felt obligated to say. But thanks, Lingsu.


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[Assistant] The thing is, even if Mia's writing does stink, Boris said in his usual blunt fashion, does a teacher really have the right to tell her so? It does sort of seem anti-educational, Shimika said. Something's got to be done about this, Ling-Su said. The question is, what? But before we could come up with anything,


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[Assistant] This dark shadow fell over our lunch table and we looked up and there was Lana. Our hearts sank. Well, mine did anyway.


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[Assistant] Lanna was accompanied by the new Grand Moff Tarkin to her Darth Vader, Trisha Hayes. Nice posters, Pit, Lanna said, only of course she was being sarcastic. But they aren't going to do you any good. Yeaah, Trisha said.


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[Assistant] Who were willing to tell you to your face that they aren't voting for you? God.


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[Assistant] I had no idea there were so many masochists in this school.


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[Assistant] Keep sucking on that Twinkie, fatty, Lana said, and we'll see who's the masochist. It's a ho-ho, Boris pointed out, because that's what Boris does. Lana didn't even look at him. And you know what else? Lana said.


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[Assistant] I'm going to trounce you at Monday's debate during assembly. Nobody at Albert Einstein wants a snail-dumper as president.


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[Assistant] Snail dumper? That's almost as bad as being called a baby licker.


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[Assistant] But before I had a chance to defend my snail-dumping ways, Lana had flounced away.


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[Assistant] Since I didn't want to humiliate Lily by screaming at her in front of her ex, especially now that he's hot, I just looked at her and went, Lily, ladies room, now.


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[Assistant] Somewhat to my surprise, she followed me in there.


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[Assistant] Lily, I said, summoning all of the people skills Garmare has taught me.


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[Assistant] Not, you know, that Gramer has actually taught me any useful skills for dealing with people.


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[Assistant] It's just so hard dealing with Gramer that I have sort of acquired some along the way.


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[Assistant] I never wanted to run for student council president in the first place, but you kept telling me you had a plan.


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[Assistant] Lily, if you really have a plan, I want to know what it is.


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[Assistant] Because I am sick of people calling me Pit, whatever that means, and there is no way I'm going to debate Lana on Monday. No freaking way. Princess in training, was all Lily had to say to that. I just looked at her like she's a mental case. Which I'm pretty sure she is. Princess in training, she said again. That's what Pit stands for, since you asked.


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[Assistant] I told you, I said through gritted teeth, not to call me that anymore. No, Lily said.


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[Assistant] You said not to call you Baby Licker or Pog, Princess of Genovia, not Pit, Princess in Training. Lily, my teeth were still gritted, I do not want to be Student Council President.


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[Assistant] I have enough problems right now. I do not need this. I do not need to debate Lana Weinberger on Monday in front of the whole school.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, I said. I do. But it's hopeless, Lily. I can't beat Lana. She's the most popular girl in school. No one is going to vote for me.


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[Assistant] At that moment, even though I thought we were alone in the ladies' room, a toilet flushed.


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[Assistant] The next thing I knew, a tiny little freshman girl came out of a stall and over to the sink to wash her hands.


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[Assistant] Um, excuse me, your highness, she said to me after Lily and I had stared at her in dumbfounded silence for several seconds.


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[Assistant] But I really admire that thing you did with the snails, and I'm planning on voting for you.


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[Assistant] Then she threw her paper towel in the trash and walked out. Ha! said Lily. Ha ha!


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[Assistant] See, I told you. Something's happening, Mia. It's like a groundswell of resentment toward Lana and her ilk.


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[Assistant] I don't want to be president, I screamed. Don't worry, Lily said, giving my cheek a pat. You won't be.


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[Assistant] But I also don't want to be humiliatingly beat by Lana in a student election either.


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[Assistant] adjusting one of her many barrettes in the mirror above the sinks. You won't be. Lily, I said.


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[Assistant] How can both of those things not happen? It's impossible! But then the bell rang and she left.


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[Assistant] I wonder if there is a disorder in Yahoo Health for whatever it is that's wrong with my best friend.


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[Assistant] Dear kind trustee who sends orphans to college, here I am. I travelled yesterday for four hours in a train. It's a funny sensation, isn't it? I never rode in one before.


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[Assistant] Before leaving yesterday morning, Mrs Lippett and I had a very serious talk. She told me how to behave all the rest of my life.


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[Assistant] I must take care to be very respectful.


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[Assistant] To a person who wishes to be called John Smith. Why couldn't you have picked out a name with a little personality?


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[Assistant] I might as well write letters to Dear Hitching Post or Dear Clothes Poll.


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[Assistant] Having somebody take an interest in me after all these years makes me feel as though I had found a sort of family. Seems as though I belonged to somebody now, and it's a very comfortable sensation. I must say, however, that when I think about you, my imagination has very little to work upon. There are just three things that I know. One, you are tall.


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[Assistant] I suppose I might call you Dear Mr. Girl Hater. Only that's sort of insulting to me. Or Dear Mr. Rich Man.


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[Assistant] But that's insulting to you as though money were the only important thing about you. Besides, being rich is such a very external quality. Maybe you won't stay rich all your life.


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[Assistant] Lots of very clever men get smashed up in Wall Street. But at least you will stay tall all your life. So I've decided to call you Dear Daddy Longlegs. I hope you won't mind. It's just a private pet name. We won't tell Mrs Lippett.


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[Assistant] Toward the end of the Christmas vacation. Exact date unknown.


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[Assistant] Dear Daddy Long Legs, is it snowing where you are?


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[Assistant] And you knew already from my asylum record that I wasn't perfect, didn't you? To recapitulate,


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[Assistant] I am very much obliged for my seven presents. I'm pretending to myself.


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[Assistant] The hot water bottle from grandmother who is always worrying for fear I shall catch cold in this climate. And the yellow paper from my little brother Harry. My sister Isabel gave me the silk stockings and Aunt Susan the Matthew Arnold poem. Uncle Harry, little Harry is named for him, gave me the dictionary. He wanted to send chocolates, but I insisted on synonyms.


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[Assistant] I started to tell the others what an experience I was having.


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[Assistant] The cat was almost out of the bag when I grabbed it by its tail and pulled it back. It's awfully hard for me not to tell everything I know. I'm a very confiding soul by nature.


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[Assistant] If I didn't have you to tell things to, I'd birth.


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[Assistant] Given by the housemaid of Ferguson to the left behinds in the other halls. There were twenty-two of us altogether.


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[Assistant] Freshmen and sophomores and juniors and seniors all united in amicable accord. The kitchen is huge.


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[Assistant] What's the littlest casserole among them about the size of a wash boiler? Four hundred girls live in Ferguson. The chef in a white cap and apron.


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[Assistant] We marched through the empty corridors to the officer's parlour.


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[Assistant] Where half a dozen professors and instructors were passing a tranquil evening. We serenaded them with college songs and offered refreshments. They accepted politely, but dubiously. We left them sucking chunks of molasses candy, sticky and speechless. So you see, Daddy, my education progresses.


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[Assistant] Vacation will be over in two days, and I shall be glad to see the girls again. My tower is just a trifle lonely.


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[Assistant] When nine people occupy a house that was built for four hundred, they do rattle around a bit.


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[Assistant] Eleven pages. Poor Daddy, you must be tired. I meant this to be just a short little thank you note.


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[Assistant] I should be perfectly happy except for one little threatening cloud on the horizon. Examinations come in February. Yours with love, Judy. P.S. Maybe it isn't proper to send love. If it isn't, please excuse. But I must love somebody and there's only you and Mrs. Lippert to choose between. So you see, you'll have to put up with it, Daddy dear.


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[Assistant] I'd be willing to be black and blue all over and stay in bed a week in a witch hazel compress.


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[Assistant] I shall love to go. I've never been in a private family in my life. Accepted, Locke Willow.


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[Assistant] And the Semples were grown up and old and don't count. But the McBrides have a house full of children. Anyway, two or three.


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[Assistant] She's really more beautiful than that, but the sun was in her eyes.


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[Assistant] It is very sweet and generous and dear of you to wish to send me to Europe this summer. For the moment I was intoxicated by the idea. But sober second thoughts said no.


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[Assistant] It would be rather illogical of me to refuse to take your money for college.


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[Assistant] They have both had things from the time they were babies. They accept happiness as a matter of course.


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[Assistant] I simply didn't have the courage to tell him about the John Greer home and all the rest. He thinks that you are my guardian and a perfectly legitimate old family friend. I have never told him that I didn't know you. That would seem too queer. Anyway, he insisted on my going to Europe. He said that it was a necessary part of my education and that I mustn't think of refusing.


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[Assistant] Those are a few of his abusive adjectives, the rest escape me. And then I didn't know what was good for me. I ought to let older people judge. We almost quarrelled. I'm not sure but that we entirely did. In any case, I packed my trunk fast and came up here.


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[Assistant] I thought I'd better see my bridges and flames behind me before I finished writing to you. They are entirely reduced to ashes now.


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[Assistant] Here I am at Clifftop, the name of Mrs. Patterson's cottage, with my trunk unpacked.


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[Assistant] And Florence, the little one, already struggling with first declension nouns. And it bids fair to be a struggle.


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[Assistant] She is a most uncommonly spoiled child. I shall have to teach her first how to study.


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[Assistant] She has never in her life concentrated on anything more difficult than ice cream soda water. We use a quiet corner of the cliffs for a school room. Mrs. Patterson wishes me to keep them out of doors.


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[Assistant] And I will say that I find it difficult to concentrate with the blue sea before me and ships assailing by.


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[Assistant] I am already plunged into work with my eyes persistently set against temptation. Don't be cross with me, please.


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[Assistant] And don't think that I do not appreciate your kindness, for I do. Always. Always. The only way I can ever repay you is by turning out a very useful citizen. Are women citizens? Don't suppose they are. Anyway, a very useful person. And when you look at me you can say, I gave that very useful person to the world.


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[Assistant] I shan't turn out a bit different from any other ordinary person. I may end by marrying an undertaker and being an inspiration to him and his work. Yours ever, Judy.


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[Assistant] Monday, third hour, February the 11th.


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[Assistant] Don't be insulted because this is so short. It isn't a letter. It's just a line to say that I'm going to write a letter pretty soon when examinations are over. It is not only necessary that I pass, but pass well. I have a scholarship to live up to.


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[Assistant] Dear Daddy Longlegs. Field day last Saturday. It was a very spectacular occasion. First we had a parade of all the classes with everybody dressed in white linens.


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[Assistant] Also about a dozen funny people, like clowns in a circus, to keep the spectators entertained between events. Julia was dressed as a fat country man, with a linen duster, and whiskers and baggy umbrella. Pazzi Moriarty. Patricia, really. Did you ever hear such a name? Mrs. Lippett couldn't have done better. Who is tall and thin, was Julia's wife, in an absurd green bonnet over one ear.


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[Assistant] Waves of laughter followed them the whole length of the course. Julia played the part extremely well.


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[Assistant] I never dreamed that a Pendleton could display so much comedy spirit. Begging Master Jeremy's pardon.


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[Assistant] I don't consider him a true Pendleton though, any more than I consider you a true trustee. Sally and I weren't in the parade, because we were entered for the events. And what do you think? We both won, at least in something. We tried for the running broad jump and lost. But Sally won the pole vaulting, seven feet three inches. And I won the 50 yard dash, eight seconds.


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[Assistant] I was pretty panting at the end, but it was great fun.


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[Assistant] With the whole class waving balloons and cheering and yelling.


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[Assistant] I sat up half of last night reading Jane Eyre. Are you old enough, Daddy, to remember sixty years ago? And if so, did people talk that way? The haughty Lady Blanche says to the footman, Stop your chattering, knave, and do my bidding.


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[Assistant] When I was reading about little Jane's troubles in the charity school,


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[Assistant] Except ice cream on Sundays, and even that was regular. In all the eighteen years I was there, I only had one adventure. When the woodshed burned. We had to get up in the night and dress, so as to be ready in case the house would catch. But it didn't catch, and we went back to bed. Everybody likes a few surprises. It's a perfectly natural human craving.


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[Assistant] I think that the most necessary quality for any person to have is imagination.


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[Assistant] But the John Greer home instantly stamped out the slightest flicker that appeared. Duty was the one quality that was encouraged. I don't think children ought to know the meaning of the word. It's odious, detestable. They ought to do everything from love.


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[Assistant] Wait until you see the orphan asylum that I'm going to beat the head off. It's my favourite play at night before I go to sleep. I plan it out to the littlest detail. The meals and clothes and study and amusement and punishments for even my superior orphans are sometimes bad. But anyway, they are going to be happy. I think that everyone


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[Assistant] I'm not going to let them have any cares until they grow up. There goes the chapel bell. I'll finish this letter sometime. Thursday


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[Assistant] While it was still liquid right in the middle of our best rug, we shall never be able to clean up the mess. I haven't mentioned any lessons of late, but we're still having them every day.


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[Assistant] It's sort of a relief though to get away from them and discuss life in the large.


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[Assistant] Rather than one-sided discussions that you and I hold. But that's your own fault.


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[Assistant] Listening Library presents When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead. Read for you by Cynthia Holloway.


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[Assistant] On the Friday after Thanksgiving, there was no school. But mom still had to go to work. I'd been trying hard not to think about them. But I spent a good chunk of that morning worrying about your notes.


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[Assistant] I held one in each hand and read them over and over. The part about writing a letter wasn't too scary.


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[Assistant] The scary parts were I'm coming to save your friend's life, and


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[Assistant] Oh, by the way, where do you keep your keys?


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[Assistant] And, P.S. Don't ever tell anyone about any of this.


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[Assistant] Seeing my name written out in the second note was also pretty creepy.


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[Assistant] Because I was still trying to pretend the notes weren't really meant for me. And also, where you wrote, I won't be myself when I reach you. I didn't like that part at all.


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[Assistant] Come to think of it, there were a lot of scary parts.


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[Assistant] After a long time, I put the notes away and turned on the television.


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[Assistant] I'd been watching TV for two hours when I heard Luisa's regular knock.


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[Assistant] Potato chip drop, she said when I opened the door.


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[Assistant] She was in her uniform, holding up a plastic bag.


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[Assistant] Louisa is always bringing mom food from the nursing home where she works. She doesn't steal. It's leftovers from lunch. Mostly little bags of potato chips or animal cookies.


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[Assistant] The health department says that once something has been served on a tray, it has to be thrown away even if no one touched it.


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[Assistant] So Luisa takes all the little bags home and gives them to Mom, who brings them to the pregnant jailbird parenting group she runs downtown. Once a month.


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[Assistant] Mom takes the subway down to this actual jail and talks to criminal pregnant women about what to expect after they have their babies.


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[Assistant] They all think she's some kind of saint for bringing them potato chips and animal cookies.


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[Assistant] Mom says that jail is a hard place, and that it can make people hard too.


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[Assistant] It changes them, she told me once.


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[Assistant] A lot of people make bad mistakes, but being in jail can make them feel like a mistake is all they are. Like they aren't even people anymore.


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[Assistant] Her bringing the chips and cookies is supposed to help somehow.


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[Assistant] It's not really the cookie, she says. It's the fact that someone brings them.


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[Assistant] It was the first time either of us had said anything about the fact that I was never at her apartment anymore. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Her saying she missed me made me feel sort of hopeless for some reason. When she left...


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[Assistant] I lay on the couch with the TV off and my eyes closed, and I listened for Sal's basketball. Hearing it made me feel better for once.


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[Assistant] That sound was like the last thread connecting us.


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[Assistant] Mom didn't talk much at dinner that night. She was still in her work clothes, a denim skirt, and a t-shirt with a picture of a coffee cup on it and the words, get your own, underneath. Richard had brought strawberries over for dessert.


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[Assistant] Darn it. Mom threw down a strawberry. SSOs again.


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[Assistant] I bet the grapes are delicious. I gave her a fake smile.


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[Assistant] Don't start, Miranda. I had a lousy day. You did? Richard's eyebrows went up. I didn't know that. How would you know? Mom asked.


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[Assistant] You were in court all day. It isn't much to you if the copier breaks, is it? Did anyone ask you to type three copies of a 16-page document?


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[Assistant] Richard shrugged. But you're done now. It's over. Why let it wreck your whole evening? Oh, stuff it, Mr. Perfect.


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[Assistant] Mom stomped off to her bedroom without even giving him a chance to tap his right knee. Richard looked at me. What did the zero say to the eight?


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[Assistant] I rolled my eyes. Nice belt. He'd been telling me that one for at least a year.


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[Assistant] Later, mom stacked the dishes in the sink, turned the faucet on, and went to change her clothes. I stood there and watched as the greasy saucepan overflowed onto the plates underneath.


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[Assistant] The oily water reflected the light and made the whole thing look like a sparkly fountain.


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[Assistant] Sometimes I can stare at something like that for a long time.


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[Assistant] Mom came back wearing sweatpants and started washing the dishes.


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[Assistant] I opened my math workbook at the kitchen table. A minute later Richard came in and said,


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[Assistant] I know they were in the closet but I can't find them anywhere. Mom's head snapped up. I knew it. I just knew it. We had been robbed after all.


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[Assistant] Mr. Tomkin acted like everyone in our class was part of one big happy math group. But it didn't take much to figure out there was a system.


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[Assistant] Read math books for genius kids like Jay Stringer. Orange ones for kids like me who did okay.


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[Assistant] And yellow ones for kids who left the room twice a week to meet with Ms. Dudley, who did math support.


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[Assistant] Marcus's book was different. Sick, with a hardcover and small type.


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[Assistant] So I guess that even though it was blue, even farther down the rainbow than yellow, it was at least the equivalent of a red. You like math, huh? I said.


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[Assistant] He looked up, and I got the strong feeling he didn't know he had ever seen me before.


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[Assistant] He said slowly, like I might be stupid or something. I like math. And he went back to reading.


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[Assistant] I delivered the two waiting kids back to their classes.


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[Assistant] One of them was holding a shiny paper card shaped like an apple that said she needed a follow-up visit. There was a line for her mom to sign. Cavity, I thought grimly.


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[Assistant] When I got back to the dentist's office, the fourth grader was still in the chair, and Marcus was still reading his math book. That was fine with me.


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[Assistant] I grabbed my book from the table where I'd left it and settled back to read. Some people think it's possible, you know? Marcus mumbled. What? He pointed at my book.


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[Assistant] Time travel. Some people think it's possible.


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[Assistant] Except those ladies lied at the beginning of the book. What?


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[Assistant] Those ladies in the book. Mrs. What, Mrs. Where, and Mrs. Who.


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[Assistant] Mrs. What's It, Mrs. Who, and Mrs. Witch. I corrected him. He shrugged. What do you mean they lied? They never lied. I was getting annoyed.


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[Assistant] The truth is that I hate to think about other people reading my book.


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[Assistant] It's like watching someone go through the box of private stuff that I keep under my bed. Don't you remember? He leaned forward in his chair. They're traveling through time right?


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[Assistant] All over the universe, right? And they promise that girl that they'll have her back home five minutes before she left. But they don't.


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[Assistant] How do you know they don't have her home five minutes before she left?


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[Assistant] I mean, there's no clock or anything. They leave at night and they get back the same night. Maybe they left at 8.30 and got home at 8.25. He laughed. You don't need a clock.


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[Assistant] Think! At the beginning of the book, that girl walks through the vegetable garden. Meg? Huh?


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[Assistant] You keep saying that girl. Her name is Meg.


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[Assistant] So she walks to the far side of the vegetable garden and sits on this stone wall, right?


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[Assistant] So she can see the garden from where she's sitting and talking with that boy, right? And then those ladies show up and take them away. His name is Calvin. And so what if they can see the garden?


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[Assistant] So, the garden is where they appear when they get back home at the end of the book. Remember? They land in the broccoli.


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[Assistant] So if they had gotten home five minutes before they left, like those ladies promised they would, then they would have seen themselves get back before they left. I put my book down and shook my head.


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[Assistant] Think about it. They hadn't even left yet. How could they have gotten back already? They didn't even know for sure whether they would get back.


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter whether they knew it. That's got nothing to do with it.


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[Assistant] He leaned back and shoved his hands in his pockets. If they land in the broccoli at 8.25, they should be in the broccoli at 8.25. Period.


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[Assistant] That makes no sense, I said. What if they couldn't do it? Save Meg's father and get back in one piece. Then they wouldn't have landed in the broccoli at all. But they did do it, right?


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[Assistant] Common sense! Have you read Relativity? You know, by Einstein? I glared at him.


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[Assistant] Einstein says common sense is just a habit of thought. It's how we're used to thinking about things. But a lot of the time it just gets in the way. In the way of what? In the way of what's true.


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[Assistant] I mean, it used to be common sense that the world was flat and the sun revolved around it. But at some point, someone had to reject that assumption, or at least question it. Well, obviously somebody did. Well duh, Copernicus did.


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[Assistant] Look, all I'm saying is that at the end of the book, they don't get back five minutes before they left. Or they would have seen themselves get back before they left. I gave up.


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[Assistant] It was dark in the garden, I said. Maybe they just couldn't see themselves from where they were sitting.


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[Assistant] I thought of that, he said, but they would have heard all the yelling and the dog.


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[Assistant] My god, what does it matter? It's a story. Someone made it up. You do realize that, don't you? He shrugged. The story is made up.


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[Assistant] But time travel is possible. In theory, I've read some articles about it.


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[Assistant] Fine. You really like physics, don't you?


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[Assistant] Yeah. He picked up my book from the table and flipped through it.


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[Assistant] Actually, I had almost the same conversation with my teacher right after I read this. She didn't understand me at first either. She? Mr. Anderson is a he. You really don't notice much about people, do you? Not Mr. Anderson.


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[Assistant] This was in second grade. I wrote a book report about it. In second grade? He put the book down.


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[Assistant] Yeah, back in Detroit, where we used to live till last year.


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[Assistant] But I don't talk about this kind of stuff anymore, usually. Why not? He shot me a look. People don't want to think about it.


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[Assistant] I can see why, I said. It makes my head hurt.


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[Assistant] Still, you did better than most people. You're a pretty smart kid. I rolled my eyes. Gee, thanks.


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[Assistant] Okay, Marcus, the dentist chirp from the other room, you're up.


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[Assistant] I watched Marcus slip into the big chair and begin to read his math book again.


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[Assistant] Holding it up with one hand while the dentist worked from the other side.


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[Assistant] The fourth grader waited for me by the door with his sticker on.


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[Assistant] Miranda, you can go on back to your class, the dentist called. Marcus is going to be here a while. He can walk himself upstairs when we're through.


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[Assistant] So I picked up my book and hiked back up the stairs with the fourth grader.


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[Assistant] As we started down the hallway to his classroom, he stopped, and I waited while he peeled the sticker off his shirt, folded it, and stuck it in his pocket.


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[Assistant] Chapter 5 Out of bounds at all times, and no exceptions.


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[Assistant] There was only one thing for it and that was to speak to father. Father hadn't left Berlin in the car with them that morning.


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[Assistant] Instead, he had left a few days earlier on the night of the day that Bruno had come home to find Maria going through his things, even the things he'd hidden at the back that belonged to him and were nobody else's business.


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[Assistant] In the days following, Mother, Gretel, Maria, Cook, Lars and Bruno had spent all their time boxing up their belongings and loading them into a big truck to be brought to their new home at Outwith.


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[Assistant] It was on this final morning when the house looked empty and not like their real home at all.


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[Assistant] Mother, Maria and Bruno were the last people to leave the house.


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[Assistant] And it was Bruno's belief that Mother didn't realize the maid was still standing there because as they took one last look around the empty hallway where they'd spent so many happy times, the place where the Christmas tree stood in December, the place where the wet umbrellas were left in a stand during the winter months,


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[Assistant] The place where Bruno was supposed to leave his muddy shoes when he came in but never did. Mother had shaken her head and said something very strange.


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[Assistant] We should never have let the fury come to dinner, she said. Some people and their determination to get ahead.


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[Assistant] She turned round and Bruno could see that she had tears in her eyes. But she jumped when she saw Maria standing there watching her. Maria, she said in a startled tone of voice, I thought you were in the car. I was just leaving, ma'am, said Maria.


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[Assistant] I didn't mean, began mother before shaking her head and starting again. I wasn't trying to suggest- I was just leaving, ma'am, repeated Maria, who must not have known the rule about not interrupting mother and stepped through the door quickly and ran to the car.


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[Assistant] Mother had frowned, but then shrugged, as if none of it really mattered anymore anyway.


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[Assistant] Come on then, Bruno," she said, taking his hand and locking the door behind them.


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[Assistant] Let's just hope we get to come back here someday when all this is over.


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[Assistant] The official car with the flags on the front had taken them to a train station where there were two tracks separated by a wide platform, and on either side a train stood waiting for the passengers to board.


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[Assistant] Because there were so many soldiers marching about on the other side. Not to mention the fact that there was a long hut belonging to the signalmen separating the tracks.


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[Assistant] Bruno could only make out the crowds of people for a few moments before he and his family boarded a very comfortable train with very few people on it and plenty of empty seats and fresh air when the windows were pulled down. If the trains had been going in different directions, he thought, it wouldn't have seemed so odd. But they weren't. They were both pointed eastward.


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[Assistant] For a moment, he considered running across the platform to tell the people about the empty seats in his carriage.


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[Assistant] But he decided not to, as something told him that if it didn't make Mother angry, it would probably make Gretel furious and that would be worse still. Since arriving at Outwith and their new house, Bruno hadn't seen his father.


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[Assistant] He had thought perhaps he was in his bedroom earlier when the door creaked open.


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[Assistant] But that had turned out to be the unfriendly young soldier who had stared at Bruno without any warmth in his eyes.


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[Assistant] He hadn't heard father's booming voice anywhere and he hadn't heard the heavy sound of his boots on the floorboards downstairs. But there were definitely people coming and going.


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[Assistant] He saw the door to father's office standing open and a group of five men outside it laughing and shaking hands. Father was at the center of them and looked very smart in his freshly pressed uniform.


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[Assistant] His thick, dark hair had obviously been recently lacquered and combed, and as Bruno watched from above, he felt both scared and in awe of him. He didn't like the look of the other men quite as much. They certainly weren't as handsome as father. Nor were their uniforms as freshly pressed.


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[Assistant] Nor were their voices so booming, or their boots so polished.


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[Assistant] Discipline, said another, and efficiency. We've lacked efficiency since the start of 42, and without that...


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[Assistant] It's clear. It's clear what the numbers say. It's clear, Commandant, said the third.


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[Assistant] And this time Bruno could make out every word because there had never been a man born who was more capable of being heard from one side of a room to the other than father.


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[Assistant] But let that beginning start tomorrow. For now, I better help my family settle in or there'll be as much trouble for me in here as there is for them out there, you understand?


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[Assistant] As they cried out the two words that Bruno had been taught to say whenever anyone said it to him. Then they left.


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[Assistant] And father returned to his office, which was out of bounds at all times and no exceptions.


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[Assistant] Bruno walked slowly down the stairs and hesitated for a moment outside the door.


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[Assistant] He felt sad that father had not come up to say hello to him in the hour or so that he'd been here.


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[Assistant] But it had been explained to him on many occasions just how busy Father was and that he couldn't be disturbed by silly things like saying hello to him all the time. But the soldiers had left now, and he thought it would be alright if he knocked on the door.


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[Assistant] Back in Berlin, Bruno had been inside father's office on only a handful of occasions, and it was usually because he'd been naughty and needed to have a serious talking to.


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[Assistant] However, the rule that applied to Father's office in Berlin was one of the most important rules that Bruno had ever learned, and he was not so silly as to think that it would not apply here at Outwith, too. But since they had not seen each other in some days, he thought that no one would mind if he knocked now. And so he tapped carefully on the door, twice, and quietly.


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[Assistant] Perhaps father didn't hear, perhaps Bruno didn't knock loudly enough, but no one came to the door, so Bruno knocked again, and did it louder this time, and as he did so, he heard the booming voice from inside call out, End up!


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[Assistant] Bruno turned the door handle and stepped inside and assumed his customary pose of wide open eyes, mouth in the shape of an O and arm stretched out by his side.


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[Assistant] The rest of the house might have been a little dark and gloomy, and hardly full of possibilities for exploration, but this room was something else.


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[Assistant] It had a very high ceiling to begin with and a carpet underfoot that Bruno thought he might sink into.


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[Assistant] And in the centre of all this, seated behind a massive oak desk, was Father himself, who looked up from his papers when Bruno entered.


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[Assistant] Bruno, I was coming up to see you in a few minutes. I promise I was, said father. I just had a meeting to finish and a letter to write. You got here safely then? Yes, father, said Bruno. You would have helped your mother and sister in closing the house? Yes, father, said Bruno. Then I'm proud of you, said father approvingly. Sit down, boy.


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[Assistant] They didn't say anything to each other for a moment and then finally father broke the silence. So? he asked. What do you think? What do I think? asked Bruno. What do I think of what? Of your new home! Do you like it? No! said Bruno quickly.


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[Assistant] Because he always tried to be honest, and knew that if he hesitated even for a moment, then he wouldn't have the nerve to say what he really thought.


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[Assistant] We are home, Bruno, he said finally in a gentle voice. Outwith is our new home. But when can we go back to Berlin? asked Bruno, his heart sinking when father said that. It's so much nicer there.


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[Assistant] Come, come, said father wanting to have none of that. Let's have none of that, he said. A home is not a building or a street or a city or something so artificial as bricks and mortar. A home is where one's family is. Isn't that right?


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[Assistant] Yes, but- And our family is here, Bruno, at Outwith Ergo. This must be our home. Bruno didn't understand what ergo meant, but he didn't need to because he had a clever answer for father.


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[Assistant] But grandfather and grandmother are in Berlin, he said. And they're our family too, so this can't be our home. Father considered this and nodded his head. He waited a long time before replying. Yes, Bruno, they are.


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[Assistant] But you and I and Mother and Gretel are the most important people in our family. And this is where we live now. At Outwith. Now don't look so unhappy about it. Because Bruno was looking distinctly unhappy about it. You haven't even given it a chance yet. You might like it here. I don't like it here, insisted Bruno. Bruno, said Father in a tired voice.


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[Assistant] I want to go home, said Bruno. He could feel tears welling up behind his eyes, and wanted nothing more than for father to realize just how awful a place Outwith really was, and agree that it was time to leave.


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[Assistant] There hadn't been many times in his life when he had been quite so insistent on having his own way, and he had certainly never gone to father with quite so much desire for him to change his mind about something. But the idea of staying here, the idea of having to live in such a horrible place where there was no one at all to play with, was too much to think about.


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[Assistant] Father stepped round from behind his desk and settled himself in an armchair beside him.


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[Assistant] Bruno watched as he opened a silver case, took out a cigarette and tapped it on the desk before lighting it.


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[Assistant] Oh, I don't know. Is it father shrugging his shoulders? It's neither here nor there. Anyway, I was just a child and didn't know what was for the best. Sometimes, for example.


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[Assistant] I didn't want to stay at home and finish my schoolwork. I wanted to be out on the streets playing with my friends, just like you do. And I look back now and see how foolish I was. So you know how I feel, said Bruno, hopefully. Yes.


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[Assistant] But I also knew that my father, your grandfather, knew what was best for me, and that I was always happiest when I just accepted that.


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[Assistant] Do you think that I would have made such a success of my life if I hadn't learned when to argue and when to keep my mouth shut and follow orders? Well, Bruno? Do you? Bruno looked around. His gaze landed on the window in the corner of the room, and through it he could see the awful landscape beyond.


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[Assistant] Which upset Bruno even more. There was nothing that made him more angry than when a grown up laughed at him for not knowing something, especially when he was trying to find out the answer by asking questions.


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[Assistant] You don't understand the significance of such a position, Father said.


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[Assistant] Well I don't think you can have been very good at your job if it means we all have to move away from a very nice home and our friends and come to a horrible place like this.


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[Assistant] The words were out before he could really think about whether they were sensible or


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[Assistant] Once he heard them floating in the air, they didn't seem like entirely the kind of things he should be saying to father. But there they were, already said, and not a thing he could do to take them back.


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[Assistant] Bruno swallowed nervously, and after a few moments' silence glanced back at Father, who was staring at him stony-faced. Bruno licked his lips and looked away. He felt it would be a bad idea to hold Father's eyes.


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[Assistant] After a few silent and uncomfortable minutes, father stood up slowly from the seat beside him and walked back behind the desk, laying his cigarette on an ashtray.


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[Assistant] I wonder if you are being very brave, he said quietly after a moment, as if he was debating the matter in his head, rather than merely disrespectful. Perhaps that's not such a bad thing. I didn't mean- But you will be quiet now, said Father, raising his voice and interrupting him.


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[Assistant] Because none of the rules of normal family life ever applied to him.


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[Assistant] I have been very considerate of your feelings here, Bruno, because I know that this move is difficult for you.


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[Assistant] I have listened to what you have to say, even though your youth and inexperience force you to phrase things in an insolent manner. And you'll notice that I've not reacted to any of this.


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[Assistant] The moment has come when you will simply have to accept that I don't want to accept it! shouted Bruno, blinking in surprise, because he hadn't known he was going to shout out loud. In fact, it came as a complete surprise to him.


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[Assistant] He said in such a quiet voice that Bruno knew that he meant business now, so he stood up, tears of frustration forming in his eye. He walked towards the door, but before opening it he turned round and asked one final question. Father? He began.


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[Assistant] Bruno, I'm not going to, began Father irritably. It's not about that, said Bruno quickly. I just have one other question. Father sighed, but indicated that he should ask it, and then that would be an end to the matter and no argument.


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[Assistant] Bruno thought about his question, wanting to phrase it exactly right this time just in case it came out as being rude or uncooperative.


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[Assistant] Who are all those people outside? He said finally.


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[Assistant] Those people, said father, nodding his head and smiling stitely. Those people. Well, they're not people at all, Bruno. Bruno frowned. They're not, he asked, unsure what father meant by that.


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[Assistant] Well, at least not as we understand the term, Father continued. But you shouldn't be worrying about them right now, they're nothing to do with-


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[Assistant] You have nothing whatsoever in common with them, just settle into your new home and be good, that's all I ask. Accept the situation in which you find yourself, and everything will be so much easier. Yes, Father, said Bruno, unsatisfied by the response. He opened the door.


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[Assistant] And shot his right arm into the air before clicking his two heels together and saying in as deep and clear a voice as possible as much like fathers as he could manage, the words he said every time he left a soldier's present.


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[Assistant] Heil Hitler, he said, which he presumed was another way of saying, well, goodbye for now, have a pleasant afternoon.


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[Assistant] At the sound of her scream, Mrs. Clements came running and, looking angrily at me, said, What is it, my dear? What has this man done to you? Nothing, the poor girl said. He was good to me once. He helped me. She whispered the rest in her friend's ear.


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[Assistant] Then Mrs. Clements put her arm around Anne Catherick and led her away.


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[Assistant] I watched them go, feeling great pity for that poor, pale, frightened face.


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[Assistant] Half an hour later I was back at the house and the story I told Miss Halcombe made her very worried.


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[Assistant] I am certain Sir Percival Glide put Anne Catherick in the asylum, I said. But why? What is the connection between them?


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[Assistant] We must find out, said Miss Halcombe. We will go to the farm tomorrow, and I will speak to Anne Catharick myself.


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[Assistant] The first thing I had to do the next morning was to ask Mr Fairley if I could leave my job a month early.


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[Assistant] As his nerves were particularly bad I could not speak to him directly, but had to write a note, explaining that some unexpected news forced me to return to London.