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[Assistant] Why am I so unpopular? I mean, I know I look weird and stuff, but I really try to be nice to people, you know? You'd think people would value me as a human being and invite me to their parties just because they like my company. It's not my fault my hair sticks out the way it does, any more than it's Lily's fault her face looks sort of squished.


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[Assistant] I tried to call Lily a zillion times, but her phone was busy, which meant Michael was probably home working on his zine.


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[Assistant] The Moskovitzes are trying to have a second line installed so that people who call them can actually get through once in a while.


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[Assistant] But the phone company says it doesn't have any more 2 and 2 numbers to give out.


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[Assistant] Lilly's mom says she refuses to have two separate area codes in the same apartment and that if she can't have 212, she'll just buy a beeper. Besides, Michael will be leaving for college next fall and then their phone problems will be solved.


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[Assistant] I really wanted to talk to Lily. I mean, I haven't told her anything about the princess thing and I'm not going to ever.


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[Assistant] But sometimes, even without telling her what's bothering me, talking to Lily makes me feel better.


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[Assistant] Maybe it's just knowing that somebody else my age is also stuck at home on a Saturday night. I mean, most of the other girls in our class date.


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[Assistant] Even Chimica has started dating. She's been quite popular since she developed breasts over the summer.


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[Assistant] It was pretty boring watching my dad snore, even though it was fairly comical the way Fat Louie kept glancing at him, all annoyed every time he inhaled.


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[Assistant] I had already seen all the Dirty Harry movies and there was nothing else on.


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[Assistant] I decided to try instant messaging Michael, telling him I really needed to talk to Lily and would he please go offline so I could call her. Crack King. What do you want, Thermopolis?


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[Assistant] That Louie. I want to talk to Lily. Please go offline so I can call her.


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[Assistant] What do you want to talk to her about?


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[Assistant] Fat Louie, none of your business. Just go offline. Please, you can't hog all the lines of communication to yourself. It isn't fair. Crack King. No one ever said life was fair, Thermopolis.


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[Assistant] What are you doing home anyway? What's the matter? Green Boy didn't call? That Louie. Who's Dream Boy? Crack King.


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[Assistant] You know, you're a post-nuclear Armageddon life-made-of-choice Josh Richter.


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[Assistant] Lily told him, I can't believe she told him I'm going to kill her.


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[Assistant] In fact, Lily, would you please go offline so I can call Lily Crack King? What's the matter, Thermopolis? Did I strike a nerve?


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[Assistant] I logged off. He can be such a jerk sometimes.


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[Assistant] But then about five minutes later the phone rang and it was Lily. So I guess even though Michael's a jerk, he can be a nice jerk when he wants to be.


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[Assistant] Lily's very upset about how her parents are violating her First Amendment right to free speech by not letting her make the episode of her show dedicated to her feet.


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[Assistant] Without her parents' financial support, which they have currently revoked, Lily tells it like it is, cannot go on.


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[Assistant] It costs about $200 per episode if you include the cost of tape and all.


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[Assistant] Public access is only accessible to people with cash.


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[Assistant] Lily was so upset that I didn't feel like yelling at her about telling Michael that I chose Josh. Now that I think about it, it's probably just better that way.


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[Assistant] Monday, October 6th, G and T. Okay, I admit it. I looked. That lot of good it did me too.


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[Assistant] After he'd collected the test, Mr. Giannini went over the problems on the board and I got every single one of them wrong anyway. I can't even cheat right. I've got to be the most pathetic human being on the planet.


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[Assistant] Term variables multiplied by a coefficient. Degree of polynomial equals the degree of the term with the highest degree.


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[Assistant] Hello, does anyone care? I mean, really, truly care about polynomials. I mean, besides people like Michael Moskovitz and Mr. Giannini. Anyone. Anyone at all.


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[Assistant] When the bell finally rang, Mr. Giannini goes, Mia, will I have the pleasure of your company this afternoon at the review session?


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[Assistant] I said yes, but I didn't say it loud enough for anyone to hear but him. Why me?


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[Assistant] Why, why, why? Like, I don't have enough to worry about!


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[Assistant] I'm plunking algebra, my mom's dating my teacher, and I'm the princess of Genovia. Something has just got to give.


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[Assistant] When Lars pulled up in front of Lily's building to pick her up for school, her doorman said she'd already left. Talk about holding a grudge. This is the longest fight we've ever had.


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[Assistant] I said I wouldn't sign it, and Boris, who was the person holding it, told me I was ungrateful, and that in the country he came from voices raised in protest had been crushed for years by the government, and that I should feel lucky I lived in a place where I could sign a petition and not live in fear that the secret police would come after me.


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[Assistant] I told Boris that in America, we don't tuck our sweaters into our pants.


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[Assistant] One thing you have to say for Lily, she acts fast.


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[Assistant] The whole school is plastered with boycott hose deli posters.


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[Assistant] The other thing you have to say about Lily, when she's mad, she stays mad. She is totally not speaking to me.


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[Assistant] I wish Mr. G would get off my case. Who cares about integers anyway?


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[Assistant] Operations on real numbers. Negatives or opposites. Numbers on opposite sides of the zero, but the same distance from zero on the number line are called negatives or opposites.


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[Assistant] Oh, what to do during algebra. The possibilities are limitless. There's drawing and yawning and portable chess.


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[Assistant] There's dozing and dreaming and feeling confused. There's humming and strumming and looking bemused. You can stare at the clock. You can hum a little song. I've tried just about everything to pass the time along. But nothing works.


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[Assistant] The truth is that I already knew in my heart that Nikolai's love for me was a childish love, and that he might want to be free.


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[Assistant] Well we can make so many errors as we seek the meaning of our lives. Your father and I had many long talks about that. Tell me what he said.


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[Assistant] I believe we're only trying to move away from that despair which is always so close to us. That state where nothing matters.


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[Assistant] I stopped halfway to change horses at a posting station called Torjok. There were no horses ready, and so I took a room.


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[Assistant] He was a sallow, wrinkled old man with grey, beetling brows.


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[Assistant] At last, I was going to find virtue. I couldn't wait!


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[Assistant] I took off my blindfold and in the darkness I saw a human skull and a gospel open to the lines, in the beginning was the word and the word was with God.


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[Assistant] A rather short man came in wearing a large white apron.


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[Assistant] If I remember correctly, they were to preserve and hand down a great mystery to purify myself and finally to set to rights the whole human race. I didn't understand the mystery a bit and I already felt purified so I latched onto setting to rights the whole human race. I was very excited about that.


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[Assistant] Blindfolded again, led around and around and then there was a lot of hammering and after a while I was led into a room. The blindfold was taken off and I saw twelve men sitting around a table.


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[Assistant] I was made to prostrate myself before some sort of altar. I was given an apron and a trowel, which I think represented the work I was going to do on myself.


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[Assistant] Then we all sat down again and the business of the evening began.


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[Assistant] It started with an exhortation to humility.


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[Assistant] But I noticed that my brothers had written down very small sums, and remembering my duty of humility, I wrote down an equally small sum.


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[Assistant] Now when I went home, I was convinced that over a few hours, I had become a completely new man. And had you? Of course not. It's not that easy to change oneself. Doesn't happen.


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[Assistant] I remember the visit. I stayed with him in Bogucharvo. We discussed, as usual, the meaning of life, but we didn't agree at all. I was full of plans and hope, but Andre seemed turned in on himself, closed tight. But, as always, I was much more interested in my own feelings.


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[Assistant] Don't you feel in your soul that you're part of something else?


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[Assistant] We talk of a ladder from plants to man, but what if man is only in the middle somewhere? And there's a ladder that climbs further and further to a higher plane. Why don't you feel that nothing disappears in this world? That above us live higher beings and that there you can find truth.


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[Assistant] And man's highest happiness consists in trying to attain them. We must live. My dear friend, we must love.


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[Assistant] We must believe that we don't only live today on this scrap of earth, but have lived and will live eternally, there, in the all, in that immensity.


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[Assistant] But you know, Maria, I don't think it was anything I said that brought Andre back to life. Something much more important happened a few months later.


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[Assistant] Because a train on a line he normally takes to his apartment in Brooklyn derailed.


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[Assistant] She would probably say that my mother was lying to compensate for having traumatized my perception of her as a strictly maternal and therefore non-sexual being.


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[Assistant] That's what Lily always says when anybody's mother has a guy over and then lies about it. I prefer to believe my mom's lie though.


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[Assistant] The only way I will ever pass algebra is to believe my mother's lie.


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[Assistant] Because I could never sit there and concentrate on polynomials, knowing that the guy in front of me has not only probably stuck his tongue in my mom's mouth, but also probably seen her naked.


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[Assistant] Why do all these bad things keep happening to me? I would think it would be time for something good to happen to me for a change.


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[Assistant] After my mom came in and lied to me, I got dressed and went out into the kitchen to make breakfast.


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[Assistant] I had to, because my mom wouldn't bring me breakfast in my room like I asked her. Actually, she went, Who do you think you are anyway, the Princess of Genovia?


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[Assistant] Which I suppose she thinks is hysterically funny, but really, it isn't.


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[Assistant] By the time I left my room, Mr. Giannini had gotten dressed too. He was trying to be all jokey about what had happened, which is the only way you can be about it, I guess. I wasn't feeling too jokey at first, but then Mr. G started talking about what it would be like to see certain people from Albert Einstein in their pajamas, like Principal Gupta.


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[Assistant] Mr. G thinks Principal Gupta probably wears a football jersey to bed with her husband's sweatpants.


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[Assistant] I kind of started to laugh thinking about Principal Gupta in sweatpants. I said, I bet Mrs. Hill wears a negligee. One of those fancy ones with the feathers and stuff.


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[Assistant] But Mr. G said he thought Mrs. Hill was more into flannel than feathers.


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[Assistant] I wonder how Mr. G knows. Did he go out with Mrs. Hill too?


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[Assistant] For a boring guy with so many pens in his shirt pocket, he sure gets around.


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[Assistant] After breakfast, my mom and Mr. Giannini tried to get me to go to Central Park with them because it was all nice outside and everything.


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[Assistant] But I said I had too much homework, which wasn't too big of a lie. I do have homework, Mr. G should know, but not that much.


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[Assistant] I just didn't really want to be hanging around with a couple.


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[Assistant] It's like when Shemeika started going with Aaron Ben Simon in the seventh grade.


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[Assistant] And she wanted us to go with her to the movies with him and stuff because her dad wouldn't let her go anywhere with a guy alone.


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[Assistant] Even a totally harmless guy like Aaron Ben Simon whose neck was as thick as my upper arm, but


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[Assistant] When we went with her, she sort of ignored us. Which I guess is the point.


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[Assistant] Only, for the two weeks they went out, you sort of couldn't talk to Shamika, because all she could talk about was Aaron.


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[Assistant] Not that all my mom can talk about is Mr. Giannini. She's not like that at all.


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[Assistant] But I had a feeling if I went to Central Park, I might have to see kissing.


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[Assistant] Not that there's anything wrong with kissing, like on TV. When it's your mom and your algebra teacher though, you know what I mean, right?


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[Assistant] Reasons I should make up with Lily. One, we've been best friends since kindergarten. Two, one of us has to be the bigger person and make the first move. Three, she makes me laugh. Four, who else can I eat lunch with? Five, I miss her.


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[Assistant] Reasons I should not make up with Lily. One, she's always telling me what to do.


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[Assistant] Two, she thinks she knows everything. Three, Lily is the one who started it, so she should be the one to apologize. Four, I will never achieve self-actualization if I always back down from my convictions. Five, what if I apologize and she still won't talk to me?


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[Assistant] He'd ridden into the courtyard towards the gunfire of the French. I found him lying down. I turned his face towards me.


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[Assistant] Now I know what everyone was looking at outside. I know why they were whispering and giggling. I know why those girls ran out of the bathroom. I know why Josh Richter talked to me. My picture is on the cover of the post.


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[Assistant] I guess somebody took it as I was leaving the plaza Sunday night after dinner with Gramera, my dad.


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[Assistant] I'm going down the steps just outside the revolving door. I'm sort of smiling, only not at the camera.


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[Assistant] I don't remember anybody taking my picture, but I guess somebody did.


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[Assistant] Superimposed over the photo are the words Princess Amelia and then in smaller letters New York's very own royal. Great. Just great. Mr. Giannini was the one who figured it out. He said he was walking to catch the subway to work and he saw it on the newsstand. He called my mother. My mom was taking a shower though and didn't hear the phone.


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[Assistant] Because everyone who knows her knows she is not a morning person, so nobody ever calls before noon.


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[Assistant] When Mr. G called again, she had already left for her studio where she never answers the phone because she wears a Walkman when she paints so she can listen to Howard Stern.


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[Assistant] So then Mr. G had no choice but to call my dad at the plaza, which was pretty nervy of him if you think about it. According to Mr. G, my dad blew a gasket.


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[Assistant] He told Mr. G that until he could get there, I should be sent to the principal's office where I would be safe. My dad has obviously never met Principal Gupta.


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[Assistant] She showed me the paper and said, kind of sarcastically, but in a nice way,


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[Assistant] You might have shared this with me, Mia, when I asked you the other day if everything was alright at home. I blushed.


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[Assistant] It is, Principal Gupta said, a bit unbelievable. That's what the story on page two of the post said too.


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[Assistant] Fairy tale comes true for one lucky New York kid, was how the reporter, one Ms. Carol Fernandez, put it. Like I had won the lottery or something. Like I should be happy about it.


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[Assistant] Ms. Carol Fernandez went on at length about my mom, the raven-haired avant-garde painter Helen Thermopolis, and about my dad, the handsome Prince Philippe of Genovia, who'd successfully battled his way back from a bout of testicular cancer.


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[Assistant] Oh, thanks Carol Fernandez for letting all of New York know my dad's only got one you know what.


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[Assistant] Then she went on to describe me as the statuesque beauty who is the product of Helen and Philippe's tempestuous whirlwind college romance.


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[Assistant] I am not a statuesque beauty. Yeah, I'm tall, I'm way tall, but I am no beauty. I want what Carol Fernandez has been smoking if she thinks I'm beautiful.


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[Assistant] No wonder everybody was laughing at me. This is so embarrassing. I mean, really. Oh, here comes my dad. Boy, does he look mad.


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[Assistant] 8 dates and it turns out she's already slept with him and probably a couple of times because 36 year old women do not get pregnant just like that.


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[Assistant] I know, because I can't pick up a copy of New York Magazine without seeing about a gazillion ads from victims of early menopause who are looking for egg donations from younger women.


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[Assistant] But not my mom. Oh no, ripe as a mango, that's my mom.


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[Assistant] I should have known, of course. I mean, what about that morning I walked out into the kitchen,


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[Assistant] Has she even thought about her folic acid intake? I know for a fact she has not. And may I just point out that alfalfa sprouts can be deadly for a newly developing fetus? We have alfalfa sprouts in our refrigerator. Our refrigerator is a death trap.


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[Assistant] We're a gestating child. There is beer in the vegetable crisper.


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[Assistant] When I get home, I fully intend to show her all this information I've printed out off the web.


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[Assistant] If she thinks she can put the health of my future baby sister at risk by eating alfalfa sprouts in her sandwiches and drinking coffee and stuff, she is in for a big surprise.


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[Assistant] As if things aren't bad enough, now our English teacher says we have to complete a journal this semester. I am not kidding. A journal. Like I don't already keep one. And, get this.


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[Assistant] At the end of every week, we're supposed to turn our journals in for Mrs. Spears to read.


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[Assistant] Because she wants to get to know us. We are supposed to begin by introducing ourselves and listing our pertinent stats.


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[Assistant] Later we are supposed to move on to recording our innermost thoughts and emotions. She has got to be joking.


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[Assistant] Like I am going to allow Mrs. Spears to be privy to my innermost thoughts and emotions. I won't even tell my innermost thoughts and emotions to my mother. Would I tell them to my English teacher? And I can't possibly turn this journal in. There's all sorts of stuff in here I don't want anyone to know.


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[Assistant] Like how my mother is pregnant by my algebra teacher, for instance. Well, I will just have to start a new journal. A fake journal.


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[Assistant] I am such an accomplished liar, I very highly doubt Mrs. Spears will know the difference.


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[Assistant] I just want to say to anyone who is watching that Albert Einstein High School is the best school in Manhattan, maybe even North America, and that we have the most excellent faculty and the best student population in the world, and anyone who doesn't recognize that is just kidding himself, Mr. Taylor. Mr. Taylor is Shemeika's dad.


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[Assistant] Then I shoved the microphone back at its owner and hopped into the limo. We almost didn't make it.


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[Assistant] First of all, because of the parade, the traffic downtown was criminal. Secondly,


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[Assistant] There was a line to get into the village cinema that wound all the way around the block.


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[Assistant] I had the limo driver cruise the length of it while Lars and I scanned the assorted hoards. It was pretty hard to recognize my friends because everyone was in costume. But then...


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[Assistant] I saw this group of really weird looking people dressed in World War II army fatigues.


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[Assistant] They were all covered in fake blood, and some of them had phony stumps in place of limbs.


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[Assistant] They were holding a big sign that said looking for Private Ryan.


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[Assistant] Standing next to them was a girl wearing a black lacy slip and a fake beard, and standing next to her was a boy dressed as a mafioso type holding a violin case.


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[Assistant] A big pile of bloody intestines coming out of his army jacket was her brother Michael.


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[Assistant] Quick, he said to Lars and me, get in line, I got two extra tickets just in case you ended up making it after all.


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[Assistant] There was some grumbling from the people behind us as Lars and I cut in.


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[Assistant] But all he had to do was turn so that his shoulder holsters showed, and they got quiet pretty quick.


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[Assistant] Lars Glock being real and all was pretty scary looking. Where's Hank? Lily wanted to know. He couldn't make it, I said. I didn't want to tell her why.


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[Assistant] You know, that last time I'd seen him, he'd been dancing with Giselle.


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[Assistant] I didn't want Lily to think Hank preferred supermodels to, you know, us. He cannot come. Good. Boris said firmly. Lily shot him a warning look, then point to get me demanded. What are you supposed to be? Duh. I said, I'm Glinda the Good Witch. I knew that, Michael said. You look really... You look really... He seemed unable to go on.


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[Assistant] You are way too glam for Halloween, Lily declared. Glam? Well, glam was better than stupid, I guess. But why couldn't Michael have said so? I eyed her.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I said, what exactly are you?


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[Assistant] I did, I said. The excitement in the air was contagious. Then the lines started moving. Michael and Kenny's friends from the computer club, who made up the rest of the bloody platoon, started marching and going,


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[Assistant] Two, three, four, hup, two, three, four.


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[Assistant] Well, they can't help it. They're in the computer club after all.


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[Assistant] It wasn't until the movie started that I began to realize something weird was going on.


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[Assistant] I very cleverly maneuvered myself in the aisle so that I would end up sitting next to Michael. Lars was supposed to be on my other side.


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[Assistant] But somehow Lars got pushed out and Kenny ended up on my other side. Not that it mattered. Then...


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[Assistant] Lars just sat behind me. I hardly noticed Kenny, even though he kept trying to talk to me mostly about bio.


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[Assistant] I answered him, but all I could think about was Michael.


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[Assistant] Did he really think I looked stupid? When should I mention that I happen to know that he is Josie Rocks? I had this little speech all rehearsed. I was going to be like, Hey, seen any good cartoons lately?


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[Assistant] Lame, I know. But how else was I supposed to bring it up?


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[Assistant] I could hardly wait for the movie to be over so I could spring my offensive.


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[Assistant] Hey, I thought my mom was a feminist who didn't believe in the male hierarchy and was against the subjugation and obfuscation of the female identity that marriage necessarily entails. At least,


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[Assistant] That's what she always used to say when I asked her why she and my dad didn't ever get married. I always thought it's because he just never asked her. Maybe that's why she told me not to tell anyone just yet.


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[Assistant] She wants to let my dad know in her own way she says. All of this excitement has given me a headache.


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[Assistant] Wednesday October 29th, World Civ. Still no sign of them.


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[Assistant] I'm a terrible person. My parents came all the way from Indiana to see me, and I sent them to a hotel.


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[Assistant] Well actually I don't feel all that great, but I don't care. I don't have a temperature, so my mother had no choice but to let me go to school.


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[Assistant] There was no way I was going to lie in bed another day, not with Josie Rocks out there somewhere, possibly loving me. But so far, nothing.


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[Assistant] I mean, we swung by Lily's in the limo and picked her up as usual, and Michael was with her and all.


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[Assistant] But by the casual way he said hello to me, you would hardly have known that he'd ever sent me a get-well email signed Love Michael, let alone ever called me the joziest girl he's ever met.


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[Assistant] It's so very clear that he isn't Josie Rocks.


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[Assistant] And that love at the end of his email was just platonic love. I mean, Michael's love obviously didn't mean he actually loves me. Not that I ever thought he did. Or might. Love me, I mean.


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[Assistant] He did walk me to my locker though. This was extremely nice of him. Granted we were in the middle of a heated discussion about Tuesday's episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but still.


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[Assistant] No boy has ever walked me to my locker before.


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[Assistant] Forrest Polkowski meets Lily at the front doors to the school and walks her to her locker every single morning and has done so ever since the day she agreed to be his girlfriend. Okay.


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[Assistant] I admit that Boris Polkowski is a mouth-breather who continues to tuck his sweaters into his pants despite my frequent hints that in America this is considered a glamor don't. But still, he's a boy.


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[Assistant] And it is always cool to have a boy, even one who wears a retainer, walk you to your locker.


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[Assistant] I know I have lars, but it's different having your bodyguard walk you to your locker as opposed to an actual boy.


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[Assistant] I just noticed that Lana Weinberger has purchased all new notebook binders.


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[Assistant] I guess she threw away the old ones. She had written Mrs. Josh Richter all over them, then crossed it out when she and Josh broke up. They are back together now.


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[Assistant] I guess she's willing once again to have her identity obfuscated by taking her husband's name since she's already got three I Love Josh's and seven Mrs. Josh Richter's on her algebra notebook alone.


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[Assistant] Before class started, Lana was telling everyone who would listen about some party she's going to tonight. None of us are invited, of course. It's a party given by one of Josh's friends. I never get invited to parties like that. You know,


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[Assistant] Like the ones in movies about teenagers, where somebody's parents go out of town, so everybody in the school comes over with kegs of beer and trashes the house.


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[Assistant] I do not actually know anybody who lives in a house. Just apartment buildings. And if you start trashing an apartment, you can bet the people next door will call the doorman to complain. That could get you in major trouble with the co-op board. I don't suppose Lana has ever considered these things however.


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[Assistant] The third power of x is called cube of x. The second power of x is squared.


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[Assistant] Ode to the view from the window in my algebra class.


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[Assistant] Sun-warmed concrete benches next to tables with built-in checkerboards and


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[Assistant] The dead leaves and plastic bags scatter in the breeze from the park, and men in business suits try to keep the last few remaining strands of hair covering their pink, bald spots.


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[Assistant] Cigarette packets and used up chewing gum coat the grey sidewalk. And I think


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[Assistant] What does it matter that it is not a linear equation if any variable is raised to a power? We're all just going to die anyway.


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[Assistant] Monday, September 14th, the gym. Oh God, how did I ever get into this? They're all here.


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[Assistant] All one thousand students at Albert Einstein High School, grades 9 through 12, sitting there in the bleachers in front of me, looking at me, staring at me,


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[Assistant] Because there's nothing else to stare at except for Lana and the two podiums and this potted palm they pulled out to make it look homeier or something.


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[Assistant] Or maybe to provide me with oxygen if I start to pass out.


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[Assistant] Standing in between our two folding chairs like a referee at a prize fight.


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[Assistant] I'm totally going to barf into the potted palm.


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[Assistant] Principal Gupta is going on about how this is just a friendly debate so that Lana and I can let the voters know where we stand on the issues. Friendly. Right.


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[Assistant] That's why I'm still holding Lana's braid in my hand. And hello, issues? There are issues? Nobody told me there were going to be issues!


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[Assistant] I can see Lily, her video camera pointed and ready in the front row of bleachers, sitting with Tina and Boris and Shamika and Lingsoo and


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[Assistant] Look, isn't that sweet? Perrin. Signalling me. What is Lily trying to tell me?


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[Assistant] She can't be getting ready to pull out her secret weapon. Not yet, anyway. The debate hasn't even started. What is she doing with her hands? Why is she making that folding motion?


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[Assistant] Oh, I get it. She wants me to sit up straight and stop writing in my journal. Yeah, fat chance, Lily. I- Oh. My. God. That smell. I recognize that smell.


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[Assistant] Chanel number five.


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[Assistant] Only one person I know of wears Chanel number 5.


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[Assistant] They should not allow people's families to just saunter onto school grounds whenever they feel like it.


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[Assistant] I would not have half the amount of problems I currently have if there was some kind of security at this school, keeping my parents and grandparents out of it. Oh no, not my dad too. And Rommel. Yes, my grandmother brought her dog to my debate. And a phalanx of reporters. Good grief. Is that Larry King? Great.


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[Assistant] All I need now is for my mom and Rocky to show up, and it'll turn into a Thermopolis Giannini Rinaldo family reunion.


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[Assistant] And there she is, waving Rocky's little arm at me from the bleachers. Hi, Rocky! So glad you could come.


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[Assistant] Listening Library presents The Princess Diaries Volume 6 Princess in Training by Meg Cabot. Read for you by Clea Lewis.


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[Assistant] She will be more a princess than she ever was. A hundred and fifty thousand times more. A Little Princess, Frances Hodgson Burnett.


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[Assistant] Albert Einstein High School Fall Semester Course Schedule Student Thermopolis


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[Assistant] Dear students and parents, welcome back from what I hope was a relaxing yet intellectually stimulating summer vacation.


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[Assistant] With this in mind, we'd like to share these conduct reminders. Noise.


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[Assistant] Please note that Albert Einstein High School is located in a residential, albeit vertical, community.


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[Assistant] It is important to remember that sound travels up and that any excessive noise, especially on the steps of the front entrance of the school, that might be disruptive to our neighbors will not be tolerated.


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[Assistant] This includes shouting, screaming, shrill or explosive laughter.


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[Assistant] Music and ritualistic chanting slash drumming.


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[Assistant] Please be respectful of our neighbors and keep the noise level to a minimum.


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[Assistant] Despite what is often cited as Albert Einstein High School tradition on the first day of classes, students are expressly forbidden from defacing, decorating, or otherwise tampering with the lion statue, frequently referred to as Joe.


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[Assistant] Outside the East 75th Street entrance of Albert Einstein High School.


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[Assistant] 24-hour surveillance cameras have been installed and any students caught defiling school property in any way will be subject to expulsion and or fines.


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[Assistant] It has been brought to the attention of this administration that last year, large numbers of cigarette butts were daily swept up from the front steps on the 75th Street entrance.


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[Assistant] In addition to the fact that smoking is strictly prohibited on school grounds, cigarette butts constitute a visual eyesore, as well as a fire hazard.


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[Assistant] Please note that any students caught smoking, either by a staff member or on the new video surveillance cameras, will be subject to suspension and or fines. Uniforms.


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[Assistant] Please note that this year's standard AEHS uniforms include female students, male students, long or short sleeved white blouse, long or short sleeved white shirt, gray sweater or sweater vest, gray sweater or sweater vest.


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[Assistant] Blue and gold plaid skirt or gray flannel trousers. Gray flannel trousers.


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[Assistant] Blue or white knee highs or blue or black tights or nude colored pantyhose. Blue or black socks. Blue and gold plaid tie. Blue and gold plaid tie. Navy blue jacket. Navy blue jacket.


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[Assistant] Please note that the wearing of shorts, including regulation gym shorts or athletic team uniform shorts, beneath skirts is prohibited.


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[Assistant] Remember, classes commence the day after Labor Day, Tuesday, September 8th, at 7.55am. As always, tardiness will not be tolerated. Welcome back, Principal Gupta.


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[Assistant] Monday, September 14th, Earth Science.


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[Assistant] Kenny just said the strangest thing to me. Just blurted it right out as we were drawing our diagrams of the Van Allen radiation belts.


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[Assistant] Because I thought he was getting ready to tell me another long, boring story about Heather's gymnastic prowess.


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[Assistant] Well, Kenny's face turned red as the radiation belt I was coloring. I made her up.


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[Assistant] Kenny has spent the past five days telling me made-up stories about his made-up girlfriend, Heather. A girlfriend who, I will admit, I actually felt threatened by because she's so perfect.


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[Assistant] I mean, blonde and sporty and she gets straight A's? Actually, now that I think about it,


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[Assistant] I should probably be grateful Heather turns out not to be real.


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[Assistant] I just couldn't stand it, you know? You having this whole perfect princess life with Michael, your perfect princely boyfriend. It, I don't know, it just got to me. Yeah, right. My perfect life.


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[Assistant] My perfect princess life with Michael, my perfect princely boyfriend.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you something, Kenny. You want to know how NOT perfect my perfect princess life is?


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[Assistant] My perfect princely boyfriend is getting ready to dump me because I don't want to do it. How's that for perfect, Kenny? Except of course, I couldn't say that. Because that's none of Kenny's business.


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[Assistant] Also, because I don't much want the whole Michael wants to do it thing getting around school.


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[Assistant] Thanks to the many movies based, however loosely, on my life that are floating around out there, enough people already think they know everything there is to know about me. I don't need any more info leaking out. But whatever.


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[Assistant] I just assured Kenny that my life isn't as perfect as he might think.


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[Assistant] But that, in fact, I have a lot of problems. Among them the fact that I am a baby licker and very nearly got my own country kicked out of the EU.


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[Assistant] Surprisingly, this information seemed to cheer him up excessively.


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[Assistant] So much so, in fact, that I'm feeling kind of annoyed. Wha? Oh no, the classroom loudspeaker just crackled.


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[Assistant] Principal Gupta is coming on to announce the results of today's vote. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Here it is. Lana Weinberger.


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[Assistant] I'm the new Student Council President of Albert Einstein High.


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[Assistant] We discussed it heatedly for half an hour and it's still unsettled. Sally thinks that she could swim in it.


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[Assistant] But I am perfectly sure that the best swimmer in the world would sink. Wouldn't it be funny to be drowned in lemon jelly? Two other problems are engaging the attention of our table. First.


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[Assistant] What shape are the rooms in an octagon house? Some of the girls insist that they're square. But I think they'd have to be shaped like a piece of pie. Don't you?


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[Assistant] Suppose there were a great big hollow sphere made of looking glass and you were sitting inside.


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[Assistant] Sally was elected, and we had a torchlight parade with transparencies saying, McBride forever! And a band consisting of fourteen pieces, three mouth organs and eleven combs.


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[Assistant] We're very important persons now in 258.


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[Assistant] Julia and I come in for a great deal of reflected glory.


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[Assistant] Rocky Horror, even if you can't wait for it to end.


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[Assistant] It's pretty fun. Everybody just acts like a lunatic.


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[Assistant] People were throwing bread at the screen and putting up umbrellas when it rained in the movie and dancing the pelvic thrust. It really is one of the best movies of all time.


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[Assistant] It almost beats out Dirty Dancing as my favorite, except of course there's no Patrick Swayze.


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[Assistant] Except I forgot there aren't really any scary parts. So I didn't actually get a chance to pretend to be scared so Michael could put his arm around me or anything. Which kind of sucks if you think about it.


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[Assistant] But hey, I got to sit by him, didn't I? For like two hours in the dark.


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[Assistant] That's something, isn't it? And he kept laughing and looking at me to see whether or not I was laughing too. That counts, right? I mean, when someone keeps checking to see whether you think the same things are funny that he does, that totally counts for something. The only problem was,


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[Assistant] You know, laughing and then looking at me to see if I was laughing too. That should have been my next clue. After the movie, we all went out to breakfast at round the clock. And this is where things got even more weird.


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[Assistant] I had been to Round the Clock before, of course. Where else in Manhattan can you get pancakes for two dollars? But never quite this late, and never with a bodyguard. Poor Lars was looking a little worse for wear by that time. He kept ordering cup after cup of coffee. I was jammed in at this table between Michael and Kenny.


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[Assistant] Funny how that kept happening with Lily and Boris and the entire computer club all around us. Everyone was talking really loud and at the same time and


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[Assistant] I am sorry to say that it was only then that the truth dawned.


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[Assistant] I should have known, of course. It hadn't been Michael. Michael wasn't Josie Rocks. I think a part of me must have known that all along.


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[Assistant] I mean, it really isn't like Michael to do anything anonymously. He just isn't the type not to sign his name.


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[Assistant] I guess I'd been suffering from a bad case of wishful thinking or something. A really bad case of wishful thinking. Because of course, Josie Rocks was Kenny.


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[Assistant] Not that there's anything wrong with Kenny, there totally isn't.


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[Assistant] He is a really, really nice guy. I mean, I really like Kenny Showalter. Really, I do. But he's not Michael Moskovitz.


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[Assistant] I looked up at Kenny after he'd made that comment about having any interesting mail lately, and I tried to smile. I really did. I said, Oh, Kenny, are you Josie Rocks? Kenny grinned. Yes. Kenny said, didn't you figure it out? No, because I am a complete idiot. Uh huh. I said, forcing another smile. Finally.


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[Assistant] Because you really do remind me of Josie, you know? Of Josie and the Pussycats, I mean. See, she's the lead singer in a rock group, and she solves mysteries on the side. She's cool. Like you. Oh my god. Kenny. My biopartner Kenny.


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[Assistant] Six foot tall, totally gawky Kenny who always gives me the answers in bio.


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[Assistant] I'd forgotten he's like this huge Japanese anime fan.


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[Assistant] Of course he watches the Cartoon Network. He's practically addicted to it. Batman is like his favorite thing of all time.


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[Assistant] Oh, someone shoot me. Someone please shoot me. I smiled. I'm afraid my smile was very weak, but Kenny didn't care.


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[Assistant] And you know, in later episodes, Kenny said, encouraged by my smile, Josie and the Pussycats go up into space, so she's also a pioneer into space exploration. Oh god.


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[Assistant] All I could do was thank my lucky stars that I hadn't said anything to Michael. Could you imagine if I'd gone up to him and said what I'd planned to? He'd have thought I'd forgotten to take my medication. Or something. Anyway, Kenny said, you want to go out some time, Mia? With me, I mean. Oh god.


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[Assistant] I hate that. I really hate that. You know, when people go, do you want to go out with me sometime? Instead of, do you want to go out with me next Tuesday? Because that way, you can make up an excuse. Because then, you can always go,


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[Assistant] Oh no, on Tuesday I have this thing. But you can't go. No, I don't want to go out with you ever.


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[Assistant] Because that would be too mean. And I can't be mean to Kenny. I like Kenny. I really do. He's very funny and sweet and everything. But do I want his tongue in my mouth? Not so much.


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[Assistant] What could I say? No, Kenny? No, Kenny, I don't want to go out with you ever because I happen to be in love with my best friend's brother. You can't say that. Well, maybe some girls can, but not me. Sure, Kenny, I said. After all, how bad could a date with Kenny be?


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[Assistant] We were all jammed in so closely at that table that Kenny's arm, as it went around my shoulders, jostled Michael, and he looked over at us, and then he looked over at Lars really fast, almost like he... I don't know.


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[Assistant] But it is true that when Lars, who was busy pouring sugar into like his fifth cup of coffee that night, didn't look up, Michael stood and said, Well, I'm beat. What do you say we call it a night?


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[Assistant] Everyone looked at him like he was crazy. I mean, some people were still finishing their food and all. Lily even went, What's with you, Michael? Gotta catch up on your beauty sleep?


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[Assistant] But Michael totally took out his wallet and started counting out how much he owed.


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[Assistant] So then I stood up really fast and said, I'm tired too. Lars, could you call the car? Lars, delighted finally to be leaving, whipped out his cell phone and started dialing. Kenny, beside me, started saying stuff like,


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[Assistant] It's a shame you have to go so early, and so, Mia, can I call you?


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[Assistant] When you get accustomed to people or places or ways of living and then have them suddenly snatched away.


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[Assistant] I'm finding Mrs Semple's conversation pretty unseasoned food. College opens in two weeks, and I should be glad to begin work again. I've worked quite a lot this summer, though. Six short stories and seven poems.


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[Assistant] Those I sent to the magazines all came back with the most courteous promptitude. But I don't mind. It's good practice. Master Gervie read them. He brought in the mail so I couldn't help his knowing. And he said they were dreadful.


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[Assistant] They showed that I didn't have the slightest idea of what I was talking about.


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[Assistant] With drops as big as quarters and all the shutters banging. I had to run to close the windows.


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[Assistant] While Carrie flew to the attic with an armful of milk pans to put under the places where the roof leaks. And then, just as I was resuming my pen,


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[Assistant] And Matthew Arnold's poems under a tree in the orchard. So I dashed out to get them, all quite soaked.


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[Assistant] I'm to have a scholarship for two years that will cover board and tuition. It was founded by an alumna.


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[Assistant] Dear Mr. Philanthropist, Your cheque for my family came yesterday.


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[Assistant] Thank the good lord, cried the mother when she grasped the fact that the small piece of paper was one hundred dollars. It wasn't the good lord at all, said I. It was Daddy Longlegs. Mr Smith, I called you.


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[Assistant] But it was the Good Lord who put it in his mind, said she. Not at all. I put it in his mind myself, said I. But anyway, Daddy, I trust the Good Lord will reward you suitably.


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[Assistant] You deserve 10,000 years out of purgatory. Yours most gratefully, Judy Abbott.


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[Assistant] Just after Father received the new uniform, which meant that everyone had to call him Commandant, and just before Bruno came home to find Maria packing up his things, Father came home one evening in a state of great excitement, which was terribly unlike him, and marched into the living room where Mother, Bruno and Gretel were sitting reading their books.


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[Assistant] You can change your plans if you want to, said Mother, but I've made arrangements to go to the theatre with- The Fury has something he wants to discuss with me, said Father, who was allowed to interrupt Mother even if no one else was.


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[Assistant] Mother's eyes opened wide, and her mouth made the shape of an O.


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[Assistant] Bruno stared at her and wondered whether this was what he looked like when he was surprised about something.


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[Assistant] But you're not serious, said Mother, grimming a little pale. He's coming here? To our house? Father nodded.


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[Assistant] You're pronouncing it wrong, said father, pronouncing it correctly for him.


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[Assistant] The fury, said Bruno again, trying to get it right, but failing again. No, said Father.


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[Assistant] Well, who is he anyway? asked Bruno again. Father stared at him astonished. You know perfectly well who the fury is, he said. I don't, said Bruno. He runs the country, idiot! said Gretel, showing off as sisters tend to do. It was things like this that made her such a hopeless case. Don't you ever read a newspaper? Don't call your brother an idiot, please, said Mother. Can I call him stupid? I'd rather you didn't.


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[Assistant] Oh my, said Mother again, standing up and counting in her head the number of things she had to organize before Thursday, which was only two evenings away.


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[Assistant] Despite the fact that the list seemed to grow longer and longer all the time, Mother managed to get everything finished on time, although she commented over and over again that the evening would be a greater success if some people helped out a little bit more around the house.


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[Assistant] An hour before the fury was due to arrive, Gretel and Bruno were brought downstairs, where they received a rare invitation into Father's office.


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[Assistant] Gretel was wearing a white dress and knee socks, and her hair had been twisted into corkscrew curls.


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[Assistant] Bruno was wearing a pair of dark brown shorts, a plain white shirt and a dark brown tie.


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[Assistant] He had a new pair of shoes for the occasion and was very proud of them, even though they were too small for him and were pinching his feet and making it difficult for him to walk.


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[Assistant] All these preparations and fine clothes seemed a little extravagant all the same, because Bruno and Gretel weren't even invited to dinner. They had eaten an hour earlier.


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[Assistant] No children, said father, sitting behind his desk, and looking from his son to his daughter and back again as they stood before him.


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[Assistant] That's exactly the type of thing we don't want, said Father, referring to the mumbling. You open your mouth and speak like an adult.


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[Assistant] Of course, father, said Gretel in a very clear voice.


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[Assistant] And father stood up to indicate that this meeting was at an end.


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[Assistant] Three quarters of an hour later, the doorbell rang, and the house erupted in excitement.


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[Assistant] Bruno and Gretel took their places standing side by side by the staircase, and Mother waited beside them, wringing her hands together nervously. Father gave them all a quick glance and nodded, looking pleased by what he saw, and then opened the door. Two people stood outside. A rather small man, and a taller woman.


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[Assistant] Father saluted them and ushered them inside, where Maria, her head bowed even lower than usual, took their coats and the introductions were made.


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[Assistant] They spoke to Mother first, which gave Bruno an opportunity to stare at their guests.


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[Assistant] And while the fury spoke to mother, she turned and looked at Bruno and smiled, making him go red with embarrassment.


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[Assistant] And these are my children, Fury, said father, as Gretel and Bruno stepped forward. Gretel and Bruno. And which is which?


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[Assistant] I'm twelve, but he's only nine," said Gretel, looking at her brother with disdain. And I can speak French too, she added, which was not strictly speaking true, although she had learned a few phrases in school. Yes. But why would you want to? asked the fury. And this time no one laughed.


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[Assistant] Instead they shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and Gretel stared at him, unsure whether he wanted an answer or not.


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[Assistant] The matter was resolved quickly, however, as the Fury, who was the rudest guest Bruno had ever witnessed, turned round and walked directly into the dining room and promptly sat down at the head of the table, in father's seat, without another word.


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[Assistant] I can speak French too, said the beautiful blonde woman, leaning down and smiling at the two children. She didn't seem to be as frightened of the fury as mother and father were. French is a beautiful language, and you are very clever to be learning it.


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[Assistant] Shouted the fury from the other room, clicking his fingers, as if she were some sort of puppy dog.


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[Assistant] The woman rolled her eyes and stood up slowly and turned round. I like your shoes, Bruno, but they look a little tight on you, she added with a smile. If they are, you should tell your mother before they cause you to injure yourself. They are a little tight, admitted Bruno.


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[Assistant] It was lovely to meet you both, she said, before stepping into the dining room and sitting down on the Fury's left hand side.


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[Assistant] Gretel walked towards the stairs, but Bruno stayed rooted to the ground watching the blonde woman until she caught his eye again and waved at him.


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[Assistant] Just as father appeared and closed the doors with the jerk of his head, from which Bruno understood that it was time to go to his room to sit quietly.


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[Assistant] And not to make any noise and certainly not to slide down any balusters.


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[Assistant] The fury and Eva stayed for the best part of two hours.


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[Assistant] And neither Gretel nor Bruno were invited downstairs to say goodbye to them.


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[Assistant] Bruno watched them leave from his bedroom window and noticed that when they stepped towards their car, what he was impressed to see had a chauffeur.


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[Assistant] To leave Berlin? And for such a place? Mother was saying. No choice.


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[Assistant] That must have been the end of the conversation because mother left father's office then and Bruno fell asleep.


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[Assistant] Couple of days later he came home from school to find Maria standing in his bedroom, pulling all his belongings out of the wardrobe.


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[Assistant] And packing them in four large wooden crates, even the things he'd hidden at the back that belonged to him. And were nobody else's business. And that is where the story began.


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[Assistant] Dear Daddy Longlegs, Behold me, a sophomore. I came up last Friday. Sorry to leave Lockwillow, but glad to see the campus again.


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[Assistant] I don't suppose you understand in the least what I'm trying to say.


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[Assistant] A person important enough to be a trustee can't appreciate the feelings of a person unimportant enough to be a foundling. And now Daddy, listen to this. Whom do you think I am rooming with? Sally McBride and Julia Rutledge Pendleton. It's the truth. We have a study and three little bedrooms. Voila. Drawings.


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[Assistant] This is a democratic country. Sally is running for class president. And unless all signs fail, she is going to be elected. Such an atmosphere of intrigue. You should see what politicians we are. Oh, I tell you daddy, when we women get our rights,


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[Assistant] You men will have to look alive in order to keep yours. Election comes next Saturday, and we're going to have a torchlight procession in the evening, no matter who wins. I am beginning chemistry, a most unusual study. I've never seen anything like it before. Molecules and atoms are the material employed.


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[Assistant] But I will say that my high school preparation was not very adequate.


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[Assistant] There's one girl in the class who chatters away in French as fast as she does in English. She went abroad with her parents when she was a child and spent three years in a convent school. You can imagine how bright she is compared with the rest of us. Irregular verbs are mere playthings.


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[Assistant] I wish my parents had chucked me into a French convent when I was little, instead of a foundling asylum. Oh no, I don't either, because then maybe I should never have known you. I'd rather know you than French. Goodbye, Daddy. I must call on Harriet Martin now, and having discussed the chemical situation,


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[Assistant] Casually drop a few thoughts on the subject of our next President. Yours in Politics, Jay.


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[Assistant] It had been almost a year since Bruno had come home


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[Assistant] And his memories of life in Berlin had almost all faded


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[Assistant] He could remember that Carl and Martin were two of his three best friends for life, but try as he might, he couldn't remember who the other one was. And then something happened that meant that for two days he could leave Outwith and return to his old house. Grandmother had died and the family had to go home for the funeral.


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[Assistant] Bruno realised he wasn't quite as small as he had been when he left, because he could see over things that he couldn't see over before.


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[Assistant] And when they stayed in their old house, he could look through the window on the top floor and see across Berlin without having to stand on tiptoes.


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[Assistant] Bruno hadn't seen his grandmother since leaving Berlin, but he had thought about her every day.


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[Assistant] The things he remembered most about her were the productions that she and he and Gretel performed at Christmas and birthdays, and how she always had the perfect costume to suit whatever role he played. When he thought that they would never be able to do that again, it made him very sad indeed.


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[Assistant] The two days they spent in Berlin were also very sad ones.


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[Assistant] And Bruno and Gretel and father and mother and grandfather sat in the front row, father wearing his most impressive uniform, the starched and pressed one with the decorations. Father was particularly sad, mother told Bruno, because he had fought with grandmother, and they hadn't made it up before she died.


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[Assistant] She said that grandmother would turn in her grave if she knew it was there. Bruno felt almost glad when they returned to Outwith.


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[Assistant] The house there had become his home now, and he'd stop worrying about the fact that it had only three floors rather than five, and it didn't bother him so much that the soldiers came and went as if they owned the place.


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[Assistant] It slowly dawned on him that things weren't too bad there after all, especially since he'd met Shmuel.


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[Assistant] He knew that there were many things he should be happy about, like the fact that father and mother seem cheerful all the time now, and mother didn't have to take as many of her afternoon naps or medicinal sherrys.


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[Assistant] And Gretel was going through a phase, mother's words, and tended to keep out of his way.


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[Assistant] There was also the fact that Lieutenant Kotler had been transferred away from Outwith and wasn't around to make Bruno feel angry and upset all the time. His departure had come about very suddenly.


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[Assistant] But the best thing was that he had a friend called Schmuel.


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[Assistant] Bruno often made comments like this because he wanted to pretend that the incident a few months earlier, when he had denied his friendship with Schmuel, had never taken place.


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[Assistant] It's still preyed on his mind, and made him feel bad about himself, although Shmuel, to his credit, seemed to have forgotten all about it.


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[Assistant] Bruno started to think more and more about the two sides of the fence and the reason it was there in the first place


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[Assistant] He considered speaking to father or mother about it, but suspected that they would either be angry with him for mentioning it, or tell him something unpleasant about Schmuel and his family, so instead he did something quite unusual. He decided to talk to the hopeless case.


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[Assistant] Gretel's room had changed quite considerably since the last time he had been there. For one thing, there wasn't a single doll in sight.


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[Assistant] One afternoon a month or so earlier, around the time that Lieutenant Cotler had left out with, Gretel had decided that she didn't like dolls anymore and had put them all into four large bags and thrown them away.


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[Assistant] In their place she had hung up maps of Europe that father had given her, and every day she put little pins into them and moved the pins around constantly after consulting the daily newspaper. Bruno thought she might be going mad.


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[Assistant] But still, she didn't tease him or bully him as much as she used to, so he thought there could be no harm in talking to her.


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[Assistant] Ask Gretel, who was sitting at her dressing table, experimenting with her hair. Nothing, said Bruno, then go away! Bruno nodded, but came inside anyway, and sat down on the side of the bed. Gretel watched him from out of the side of her eyes, but didn't say anything. Gretel, he said finally, can I ask you something? If you make it quick, she said. Everything here at Outwith.


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[Assistant] It is called outwith, he protested. It's not, she insisted, pronouncing the name of the camp correctly for him. Bruno frowned and shrugged his shoulders at the same time. But that's what I said, he said. No, it's not.


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[Assistant] Anyway, I'm not going to argue with you, said Gretel losing her patience already, for she had very little of it to begin with. What is it anyway? What do you want to know?


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[Assistant] And then suddenly started laughing, only stopping when she saw that Bruno was being perfectly serious.


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[Assistant] Bruno, she said in a childish voice, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world.


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[Assistant] The fence isn't there to stop us from going over there.


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[Assistant] Well, yes, with their families, but with their own kind too. What do you mean their own kind? Gretel sighed and shook her head. With the other Jews, Bruno. Didn't you know that?


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[Assistant] Again, Gretel, but then she had to stop to think about it.


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[Assistant] She repeated, but she wasn't quite sure what the answer to this question really was.


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[Assistant] I know we're not, said Bruno in frustration. I'm asking you, if we're not Jews, what are we instead?


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[Assistant] We're the opposite, said Gretel answering quickly, and sounding a lot more satisfied with this answer. Yes, that's it, we're the opposite.


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[Assistant] Alright, said Bruno, pleased that he had it settled in his head at last. And the opposite live on this side of the fence, and the Jews live on that. That's right Bruno. Don't the Jews like the opposite then?


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[Assistant] No, it's us who don't like them, stupid. Bruno Fraun.


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[Assistant] Gretel had been told time and time again that she wasn't allowed to call him stupid, but still she persisted with it.


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[Assistant] Bruno was interrupted by the sound of Gretel breaking into a piercing scream, one that woke Mother up from her afternoon nap and brought her running into the bedroom to find out which of her children had murdered the other one. While experimenting with her hair...


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[Assistant] Gretel had found a tiny egg, no bigger than the top of a pin.


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[Assistant] Oh, I don't believe it, said Mother, angrily. I knew something like this would happen in a place like this.


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[Assistant] It turned out that both Gretel and Bruno had lice in their hair.


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[Assistant] And Gretel had to be treated with a special shampoo that smelled horrible, and afterwards, she sat in her room for hours on end, crying her eyes out.


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[Assistant] Bruno had the shampoo as well, but then father decided that the best thing was for him to start afresh.


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[Assistant] It didn't take long and he hated seeing all his hair float down from his head and land on the floor at his feet. But father said it had to be done. Afterwards Bruno looked at himself in the bathroom mirror and he felt sick.


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[Assistant] His entire head looked misshapen now that he was bald and his eyes looked too big for his face. He was almost scared of his own reflection.


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[Assistant] Don't worry, Father reassured him. It'll grow back. It'll only take a few weeks.


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[Assistant] Bruno couldn't help but think, how much like schmool he looked now.


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[Assistant] And he wondered whether all the people on that side of the fence had lice as well. And that was why all their heads were shaved too.


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[Assistant] Schmuel started to laugh at Bruno's appearance, which didn't do a lot for his dwindling self-confidence. I look just like you now, said Bruno sadly, as if this was a terrible thing to admit. Only fatter, admitted Schmuel.


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[Assistant] The dot that became a speck, that became a blob, that became a figure, that became a boy.


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[Assistant] The walk along the fence took Bruno a lot longer than he expected.


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[Assistant] It seemed to stretch on and on for several miles.


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[Assistant] During all this time, he never saw anyone anywhere close to the fence, nor did he find any doors to let him inside.


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[Assistant] The huts and buildings and smokestacks were disappearing in the distance behind him.


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[Assistant] And the fence seemed to be separating him from nothing but open space. After walking for the best part of an hour and starting to feel a little hungry he thought that maybe that was enough exploration for one day and it would be a good idea to turn back. However, just at that moment


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[Assistant] Bruno remembered a book he had read in which a man was lost in the desert and because he hadn't had any food or water for several days, had started to imagine that he saw wonderful restaurants and enormous fountains.


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[Assistant] But when he tried to eat or drink from them they disappeared into nothingness, just handfuls of sand. He wondered whether that was what was happening to him now.


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[Assistant] But while he was thinking this, his feet were taking him step by step closer and closer to the dot in the distance, which in the meantime had become a speck.


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[Assistant] And then began to show every sign of turning into a blob. And shortly after that the blob became a figure.


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[Assistant] And then as Bruno got even closer, he saw that the thing was neither a dot nor a speck, nor a blob, nor a figure, but a person.


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[Assistant] Bruno had read enough books about explorers to know that one could never be sure what one was going to find.


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[Assistant] Most of the time they came across something interesting that was just sitting there, minding its own business, waiting to be discovered, such as America. Other times they discovered something that was probably best left alone, like a dead mouse at the back of a cupboard. The boy belonged to the first category. He was just sitting there minding his own business, waiting to be discovered.


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[Assistant] When he saw the dot that became a speck, that became a blob, that became a figure, that became a boy.


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[Assistant] That you could never be too careful with strangers and it was always best to approach them with caution. So he continued to walk and before long they were facing each other.


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[Assistant] Hello, said Bruno. Hello, said the boy. The boy was smaller than Bruno and was sitting on the ground with a forlorn expression.


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[Assistant] He wore the same striped pajamas that all the other people on that side of the fence wore and a striped cloth cap on his head. He wasn't wearing any shoes or socks and his feet were rather dirty. On his arm, he wore an armband with a star on it.


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[Assistant] When Bruno first approached the boy, he was sitting cross-legged on the ground staring at the dust beneath him.


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[Assistant] However, after a moment he looked up and Bruno saw his face. It was quite a strange face, too. His skin was almost the colour of grey, but not quite like any grey that Bruno had ever seen before. He had very large eyes, and they were the colour of caramel sweets. The whites were very white, and when the boy looked at him,


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[Assistant] Bruno was sure that he'd never seen a skinnier or sadder boy in his life, but decided that he had better talk to him.


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[Assistant] I've been exploring, he said. Have you? said the little boy. Yes, for almost two hours now. This was not strictly speaking true.


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[Assistant] Bruno had been exploring for just over an hour, but he didn't think that exaggerating slightly would be too bad a thing to do. It wasn't quite the same thing as lying, and made him seem more adventurous than he really was.


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[Assistant] Have you found anything? asked the boy. Very little. Nothing at all. Well, I found you, said Bruno after a moment. He stared at the boy and considered asking him why he looked so sad, but hesitated because he thought it might sound rude.


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[Assistant] Bruno scrunched up his face, not sure that he'd heard the little boy right.


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[Assistant] I like the way it sounds when I say it. Schmool. It sounds like the wind blowing.


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[Assistant] Yes, I think I like your name too. It sounds like someone who's rubbing their arms to keep warm. I've never met anyone called Schmool before, said Bruno. There are dozens of Schmools on this side of the fence, said the little boy. Hundreds, probably. I wish I had a name all of my own. I've never met anyone called Bruno, said Bruno. Other than me, of course. I think I might be the only one. Then you're lucky, said Schmool.


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[Assistant] Shmuel thought about it and looked down at his fingers and they wiggled in the air as if he was trying to calculate. I'm nine, he said. My birthday is April the 15th, 1934. Bruno stared at him in surprise. What did you say, he asked.


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[Assistant] I said my birthday is April the 15th, 1934. Bruno's eyes opened wide, and his mouth made the shape of an O. I don't believe it, he said. Why not, Ashmole?


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[Assistant] But I don't think that I have ever met anyone with the same birthday as me before. We're like twins, said Bruno. A little bit, agreed Schmool.


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[Assistant] A picture came into his head of Carl and Daniel and Martin, his three best friends for life, and he remembered how much fun they used to have together back in Berlin, and he realized how lonely he had been at Outwith.


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[Assistant] You have many friends? asked Bruno, cocking his head a little to the side as he waited for an answer. Oh yes, said Schmool. Well, sort of. Bruno frowned. He had hoped that Schmool might have said no, as it would give them something else in common. Close friends, he asked. Well, not very close, said Schmool. But there are a lot of us, boys our age, I mean, on this side of the fence. We fight a lot at the time, though.


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[Assistant] said Bruno laughing nervously. I don't know anyone who can speak two languages, and especially no one of our age.


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[Assistant] Mama is a teacher in my school and she taught me German, explains Schmuel.


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[Assistant] She speaks French too, and Italian, and English. She's very clever.


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[Assistant] I don't speak French or Italian yet, but she said she'd teach me English one day because I might need to know it.


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[Assistant] Well, because Germany is the greatest of all countries, Bruno replied.


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[Assistant] Remembering something that he'd overheard father discussing with grandfather on any number of occasions. We're superior. Schmuel stared at him but didn't say anything.


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[Assistant] Where is Poland anyway? he asked after a few silent moments had passed. Well, it's in Europe, said Schmuel.


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[Assistant] Bruno tried to remember the countries he'd been taught about in his most recent geography class with her list.


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[Assistant] I think Poland is in Denmark, said Bruno, growing more confused, even though he was trying to sound clever, because that's many miles away, he repeated for added confirmation. Schmuel stared at him for a moment and opened his mouth and closed it twice, as if he was considering his words carefully. But, this is Poland, he said finally. Is it? asked Bruno. Yes, it is. And Denmark's quite far away from both Poland and Germany.


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[Assistant] He'd heard of all these places, but he always found it hard to get them straight in his head. Well yes, he said, but it's all relative, isn't it? Distance, I mean.


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[Assistant] And I don't think I've ever been to Poland before I came here, said Bruno, which was true because he hadn't. That is, if this really is Poland. I'm sure it is, said Schmuel quietly. Although it's not a very nice part of it. No. Where I come from is a lot nicer. It's certainly not as nice as Berlin, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] And there were lovely streets and shops and fruit and vegetable stalls and any number of cafes.


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[Assistant] Where I come from is much nicer than Berlin, said Schmool, who had never been to Berlin.


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[Assistant] Everyone there is very friendly and we have lots of people in our family and the food is a lot better too. Well...


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[Assistant] We'll have to agree to disagree, said Bruno, who didn't want to fight with his new friend. All right, said Schmool.


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[Assistant] Do you like exploring? asked Bruno after a moment. I've never really done any, admitted Schmuel.


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[Assistant] I think I belong to the first category, said Shmuel. Yes, replied Bruno. I think you do. Can I ask you something, he added after a moment. Yes, said Shmuel. Bruno thought about it. He wanted to phrase the question just right.


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[Assistant] Why are there so many people on that side of the fence? And what are you all doing there?


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[Assistant] When he first saw their new house, Bruno's eyes opened wide. His mouth made the shape of an O, and his arms stretched out at his sides once again.


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[Assistant] Everything about it seemed to be the exact opposite of their old home.


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[Assistant] And even though he'd lived there for nine years he was still able to find nooks and crannies that he hadn't fully finished exploring yet.


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[Assistant] There were even whole rooms such as father's office, which was out of bounds at all times and no exceptions, that he had barely been inside. However, the new house had only three floors.


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[Assistant] A top floor where all three bedrooms were, and only one bathroom. A ground floor with a kitchen, a dining room, and a new office for father, which he presumed had the same restrictions as the old one. And a basement where the servants slept.


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[Assistant] All around the house in Berlin were other streets of large houses, and when you walked towards the centre of town, there were always people strolling along and stopping to chat to each other, or rushing around and saying they had no time to stop, not today, not when they had 101 things to do.


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[Assistant] Some were overspilling with leeks and mushrooms, turnips and sprouts, others with lettuce and green beans, courgettes and parsnips. Sometimes.


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[Assistant] No one's strolling along or rushing around and definitely no shops or fruit and vegetable stores.


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[Assistant] When he closed his eyes, everything around him just felt empty and cold, as if he was in the loneliest place in the world. The middle of nowhere.


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[Assistant] In Berlin, there had been tables set out on the street, and sometimes when he walked home from school with Carl, Daniel and Martin, there would be men and women sitting at them, drinking frothy drinks, and laughing loudly. The people who sat at these tables must be very funny people, he always thought, because it didn't matter what they said, somebody always laughed. But there was something about the new house that made Bruno think that no one ever laughed there. That there was nothing to laugh at, and nothing to be happy about.


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[Assistant] I think this was a bad idea, said Bruno a few hours after they arrived while Maria was unpacking his suitcases upstairs.


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[Assistant] Maria wasn't the only maid at the new house either. There were three others who were quite skinny and only ever spoke to each other in whispering voices.


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[Assistant] There was an old man too, who, he was told, was there to prepare the vegetables every day and wait on them at the dinner table, and who looked very unhappy, but also a little angry.


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[Assistant] We don't have the luxury of thinking said mother opening a box that contained the set of sixty-four glasses that grandfather and grandmother had given her when she married father.


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[Assistant] Bruno didn't know what she meant by that, so he pretended that she'd never said it at all.


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[Assistant] I think this was a bad idea, he repeated. I think the best thing to do would be to forget all about this and just go back home.


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[Assistant] We can chalk it up to experience, he added, a phrase he had learned recently and was determined to use as often as possible. Mother smiled and put the glasses down carefully on the table. I have another phrase for you, she said.


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[Assistant] It's that we have to make the best of a bad situation.


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[Assistant] Because apparently it was alright if she interrupted him, but it didn't work the other way round.


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[Assistant] One day he was perfectly content, playing at home, having three best friends for life, sliding down banisters, trying to stand on his tiptoes to see right across Berlin, and now, he was stuck here in this cold, nasty house, with three whispering maids and a waiter who was both unhappy and angry, where no one looked as if they could ever be cheerful again.


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[Assistant] Bruno, I want you to go upstairs and unpack, and I want you to do it now, said Mother in an unfriendly voice.


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[Assistant] And he knew that she meant business so he turned round and marched away without another word.


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[Assistant] He muttered under his breath as he went through his own door to find all his clothes scattered on the bed and the boxes of toys and books not even unpacked yet. It was obvious that Maria did not have her priorities right. Mother sent me to help, he said quietly.


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[Assistant] And Maria nodded and pointed towards a big bag that contained all his socks and vests and underpants. If you sought that lot out you could put them in the chest of drawers over there, she said.


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[Assistant] What do you think of all this, Maria?, he asked after a long silence, because he'd always liked Maria, and felt as if she was one of the family, even though father said she was just a maid, and overpaid at that. All what?, she asked.


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[Assistant] This, he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Coming to a place like this, don't you think we've made a big mistake? That's not for me to say, Master Bruno, said Maria.


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[Assistant] Your mother has explained to you about your father's job, and, oh, I'm tired of hearing about father's job, said Bruno, interrupting her.


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[Assistant] That's all we ever hear about, if you ask me. Father's job this and father's job that. Well, if father's job means that we have to move away from our house and the sliding banister and my three best friends for life, then I think father should think twice about his job, don't you? Just at that moment, there was a creek outside in the hallway.


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[Assistant] Around his temples Bruno could see that he had very blonde hair, an almost unnatural shade of yellow. He was carrying a box in his hands.


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[Assistant] And walking towards the staircase but he stopped for a moment when he saw Bruno standing there watching him


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[Assistant] He looked the boy up and down as if he'd never seen a child before and wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do with one, eat it, ignore it or kick it down the stairs. Instead he gave Bruno a quick nod and continued on his way.


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[Assistant] The young man had seemed so serious and busy that he assumed he must be someone very important.


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[Assistant] One of your father's soldiers, I suppose, said Maria.


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[Assistant] Who had stood up very straight when the young man appeared and held her hands before her like a person in prayer.


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[Assistant] She had stared down at the ground, rather than at his face, as if she was afraid she might be turned to stone if she looked directly at him. She only relaxed when he had gone.


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[Assistant] Well, they have very serious jobs, said Maria with a sigh. Or so they think, anyway. But if I was you, I'd steer clear of the soldiers.


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[Assistant] What, I don't see what else there is to do other than that, said Bruno sadly. I don't even think there's going to be anyone to play with other than Gretel, and what fun is that after all? She's a hopeless case.


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[Assistant] He felt as if he was about to cry again but stopped himself, not wanting to look like a baby in front of Maria. He looked around the room without fully lifting his eyes up from the ground, trying to see whether there was anything of interest to be found. There wasn't. Well, there didn't seem to be. But then one thing caught his eye. Over in the corner of the room opposite the door,


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[Assistant] And this time when his eyes opened wide and his mouth made the shape of an O, his hands stayed by his sides, because something made him feel very cold and unsafe.


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[Assistant] It turned out that Belle was the one who had reported Marcus to the police. She'd seen the whole thing from her store window and thought that Marcus had chased Sal into the street on purpose. So Mom was able to get things sorted out.


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[Assistant] She got a statement from Sal, who had to sign it with his left hand because of his cast, and one from me, and one from Belle, and by the following week, the police had dropped the whole thing, and Mom had dressed like a grown up for three days in a row. You know?


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[Assistant] You look darn good in a suit, Richard told her.


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[Assistant] I figured she would give him some kind of lecture, but mom took his hand and said,


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[Assistant] Thanks. That means a lot coming from you, Mr. Perfect.


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[Assistant] She looked happy, and it seemed so obvious at that moment that they should get married. But she still hadn't even given him a key.


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[Assistant] And then mom hung up her suit, and I put all your notes in the box under my bed and didn't look at them anymore.


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[Assistant] Anne-Marie had her birthday party with two cakes. An awful one that Julie and I made for her. And a really good one her dad made.


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[Assistant] Time passed. Anne-Marie and Julia helped me install my playground on Main Street.


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[Assistant] And Julia's UFO finally got approved by Jay Stringer.


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[Assistant] I became Alice Evans' regular bathroom partner.


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[Assistant] We worked out a secret signal so that she wouldn't have to do the Mexican hat dance anymore.


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[Assistant] Marcus and I waved hello to each other, and we sometimes talked a little, except when he didn't notice I was there. Which was about half the time.


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[Assistant] In early March, we started rehearsing songs for graduation.


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[Assistant] I kissed Colin a few more times, and I suspected that Jay Stringer was working up the nerve to kiss Anne-Marie. I don't think anyone dared to kiss Julia.


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[Assistant] Sal's cast came off and he started playing basketball in the alley again.


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[Assistant] A couple of times I waved at him from the window, and once he yelled up to say hi and asked if I wanted to check out his three-point shot, which he lined up for about five minutes and then missed. I clapped anyway, and he took a bow. I tried to forget about the laughing man. I mean, I tried to forget about you, but it didn't work. There was something left over, the letter I was supposed to write.


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[Assistant] Please deliver your letter by hand. You know where to find me.


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[Assistant] Trying to forget really doesn't work. In fact, it's pretty much the same as remembering.


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[Assistant] But I tried to forget anyway, and to ignore the fact that I was remembering you all the time.


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[Assistant] That's when I officially gave up forgetting and started doing all this thinking.


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[Assistant] I have the story laid out in my mind now, as straight as it's ever going to be. And now I'm wondering if I should just write the letter.


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[Assistant] Even though you're dead and most likely buried on that island, I wonder if I should write it anyway.


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[Assistant] If maybe then I'll be able to stop thinking about you, once and for all.


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[Assistant] She then told me that Miss Fairleigh had a headache that morning and was being looked after by Mrs. Vessey, an elderly lady who had once been Miss Fairleigh's governess.


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[Assistant] As for Mr Fairlie, your employer, you will doubtless meet him later.


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[Assistant] He is Miss Fairley's uncle, a single man who became Miss Fairley's guardian when her parents died.


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[Assistant] He suffers from some mysterious illness of the nerves and never leaves his rooms.


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[Assistant] While we ate breakfast, she described the quiet, regular life that she and her sister led.


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[Assistant] Do you think you will get used to it? She said. Or will you be restless and wish for some adventure?


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[Assistant] Well, I shall spend the morning, said Miss Halcombe, looking through my mother's letters.


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[Assistant] Lunch is at two o'clock Mr. Heartright and I shall introduce you to my sister then.


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[Assistant] Nothing more was ever heard of Bruno after that. Several days later.


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[Assistant] After the soldiers had searched every part of the house and gone into all the local towns and villages with pictures of the little boy.