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[Assistant] Meg, my dear, I value the womanly skill that keeps this home happy more than white hands. I'm proud to shake this good little hand.


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[Assistant] And hope I shall not soon have to give it away to a husband.


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[Assistant] Although she now has a rather boyish haircut.


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[Assistant] I don't see the Son Joe I left a year ago, said Mr. March. I see a young lady with proper manners and a more gentle voice. She now moves quietly and takes care of a certain little person in a motherly way that delights me.


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[Assistant] And I know that I couldn't find anything beautiful enough to be bought with the $25 my good girl sent me.


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[Assistant] My little Beth is not as shy as she used to be.


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[Assistant] I've got you safe, my Beth, and I'll keep you so.


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[Assistant] I observe that Amy took care of many duties for her mother today, gave Meg her seat tonight, and has waited on everyone with patience. I also see that she does not worry as she used to.


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[Assistant] And has not even mentioned a very pretty ring that she wears.


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[Assistant] So, I must conclude that she has learned to think of other people more, and of herself less. I am glad of this, for though I am very proud of my graceful girl.


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[Assistant] I am all the more proud of a lovable daughter with a talent for making life beautiful to herself and others.


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[Assistant] Hello, I'm Gary. I'm from Baby Cube and I would like to read you a story. Just One More Pet by Mercer Mayer.


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[Assistant] One day I was walking home from my best friend's house. I heard a strange little noise in the bushes. I looked. It was a little doggy. He was very friendly. He didn't have a collar. He followed me home. What could I do?


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[Assistant] You have to take him back. We have too many pets, said mom. He is lost and doesn't have a home, I pleaded.


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[Assistant] Mom let me tie him up in the backyard until dad got home. Our kitty did not like him. She hissed. Our dog did not like him. He barked. The little doggie was scared. I gave him a bath. He liked that. I took him to my room so he would be comfortable. Little sister saw him. She said, I'm going to tell. I had to give her a dollar just to keep her quiet. Mom heard him bark.


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[Assistant] He can stay here until we find his owner. What if we can't find his owner? I asked. Can I keep him? Mom said, let's worry about that later.


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[Assistant] We made a bed in our garage, but the doggy barked. He was lonely. He was sad. I took my bath. I couldn't hear the doggy cry. Dad read a bedtime story to me. We could hear the doggy whine. He was scared. I tried to sleep, but I could still hear the doggy. Finally, I fell asleep.


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[Assistant] The next morning I went out to the garage to check on the doggy. Oh no, the doggy was gone. He had escaped through a crack in the garage door. I called and called, here doggy, here doggy, but no doggy. I asked my dog and kitty, do you know where the doggy is? They were no help at all. I ran next door and asked,


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[Assistant] Mrs. Rhino, have you seen the little doggie in your yard? No, I haven't.


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[Assistant] Somebody pulled all my clean sheets off the line.


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[Assistant] I ran over to Mr. Bovine's house. Have you seen a little doggie in your yard? I asked.


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[Assistant] No I haven't, but somebody dug up my garden.


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[Assistant] No, I haven't. But somebody chewed up my hose. We looked everywhere. No doggy. I walked by the garage and heard a bark. I ran inside. The doggy was back. But he was a she. And she was a mama. She had four little puppies. I called everybody. Oops. We have more doggies. Just then a car drove up. Out stepped a little girl and her mom.


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[Assistant] Have you seen a little lost dog? The girl asked. The girl was so happy. It is my dog, she said, and I even have puppies too. I was not happy. The girl asked, would you like to have a puppy after they get a little bigger? I asked mom and dad if I could.


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[Assistant] Hello, I'm Gary. I'm from Baby Cube and I would like to read you a story. We are moving by Mercer Mayer. Mom and dad said, we have some exciting news. I thought they meant we were getting a new dog. Little sister asked, a new baby?


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[Assistant] No, they said, we are moving to a new house. That is horrible news, I said. Little Sister screamed and ran to her room.


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[Assistant] At dinner, mom and dad tried to cheer us up. It didn't work. I will miss my room. The backyard will not be the same. Where will we put the rope swing in the sandbox? I wonder, can I take my tree house? I will have different and strange neighbors. They might even be monsters. Maybe there won't be any of my friends nearby.


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[Assistant] What if I have to go to a new school full of bullies and a really mean teacher? Oh no, I think. Mom and dad began cleaning out the house and garage. I found some really neat stuff. Mom won't let me keep any of it.


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[Assistant] Mom said that friendly helping critters are coming by to pick it all up. I'll leave it alone. My friends came over to keep me company. But we were just too sad to play. Finally, moving day arrived. A big truck came to our house. It had big tires. The movers began to move all the furniture into the big truck. But I wouldn't let them touch my stuff. Dad said I had to. I kept my small stuff bare.


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[Assistant] Everything was packed in the truck. It was time to leave. I didn't want to go. Dagon had to carry me to the car. We drove into the driveway of the new house. It was even near my school. All my friends were waiting in front when we drove up. The house and yard are great.


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[Assistant] Hello, I'm Gary. I'm from Baby Cube and I would like to read you a story. Just a Little Music by Mercer Mayer. One day my family went to town to watch a parade. Many people were there to see the marching band. The music was very loud.


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[Assistant] Little sister had to cover her ears. I liked all the different instruments. I liked to. I said to dad, I wanted to play music too. When the parade ended.


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[Assistant] Dad and I walked to the music store to look at instruments. I hoped that Dad would let me get one. While we were at the music store,


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[Assistant] Mom and my sister were shopping for clothes and other stuff. The store was filled with so many instruments. Wow, Dad, I said. I like the tuba. But the tuba was just too heavy. The flute was too squeaky. The trombone was too long. The guitar had too many strings. But the drum was just right. That's it, I said to Dad.


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[Assistant] I played my drum before bed until mom finally said, go to sleep now.


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[Assistant] After school, I invited my friends over to see my drum. But when I went to get it, it was not in my room.


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[Assistant] I searched and searched but I couldn't find my drum anywhere. Mom, I called, my drum is missing. Mom asked little sister, did you do something with your brother's drum?


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[Assistant] I hid it in my room, said little sister. He never stopped playing, and it is too noisy. Go and get it now, mom said. The next day, I had my first lesson with a music teacher. I'm a very good musician. I'm so good my teacher let me try to play his drums. Soon I would play my drum in a rock and roll band.


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[Assistant] I can't wait for my family and friends to see me play. They will be so proud of me.


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[Assistant] But maybe before I play at my big rock n' roll concert, I will have just a few more lessons. The end.


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[Assistant] Sonia, do you remember when you told all of our fortunes that Christmas and you, you saw him? You said afterwards you had seen Andre lying down. You had seen then that he would die so long before.


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[Assistant] I was thinking, Sonia, of that terrible time when Andre died.


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[Assistant] And I was too wrapped up in my grief to see that you were suffering too. I wasn't able to protect you from Mama anymore.


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[Assistant] Loved by everyone, adored by the children, but it was a terrible sacrifice.


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[Assistant] There, on the other side of life. We can't, my friend. Not yet. And yet I feel closer to that other side than to here, where everything is only pain, emptiness, ruin. Sometimes, Maria, I can see his face, and I hear what we said, and he's there. Once, he was sitting in the chair. He was wearing his velvet coat.


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[Assistant] What I understood was that it would be terrible for him to be left suffering forever. And I spoke without thinking and now I want to change it all. And so I imagine him and he sits there. He says the same thing, but I tell him the truth. I say to him, you could be dying. You could be dying all the time before my eyes and I would still be happy. And it's true compared to now when there's


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[Assistant] Mari, you don't think I'm bad, do you? I never thought that. Yes, you did at first. And compared to you, I am. Will you teach me to be good?


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[Assistant] I want to understand your childhood. For us, Maria, there was only life. Faith in life. And the pleasure of life.


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[Assistant] But that's so far away now, and it will never come back. Like Moscow.


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[Assistant] I want you to see a doctor. I want to stay here and look at the door. Maybe I'll see where he's gone. Maybe I'll go through.


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[Assistant] Ah, but how do we ever know what that is, Nikolenka? It's never simple, and it may not even be what we think it is. Yes, I ought to have been unhappy in prison, but it was one of the happiest times of my life.


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[Assistant] I spent four weeks in Moscow, imprisoned in the barracks, but it was there that I came to know a remarkable human being.


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[Assistant] When I was brought to the barracks after the executions, I was thrown in with other prisoners of war. It was night. I was very tired, but every time I closed my eyes, I would see the terrified face of the poor factory worker who clung to me.


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[Assistant] The equally terrified faces of the French soldiers who were murdering him. Next to me sat a little man who was very busy unwrapping the strips of cloth around his feet and hanging them up to dry. He worked with swift, neat movements and occasionally I sensed him looking at me.


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[Assistant] Platon was about 50 with strong and perfectly white teeth and not a single grey hair. I remember him


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[Assistant] As round. A round face, round eyes, even rounded arms that always seemed ready to embrace something.


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[Assistant] I never tired of listening to him talk of his folk sayings, which he'd use at exactly the right moment, but could never repeat. I began to see him as the personification of truth and simplicity of everything that was good about Russia. I no longer thought about Napoleon, politics, masonry, or my wife. I felt.


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[Assistant] Even so, my mind was at peace and I, I felt ready for anything. And besides, Platon, I had the other companions.


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[Assistant] The prisoners accepted me as one of theirs, and even the French seemed to like talking to me, and they generally treated us well.


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[Assistant] The prisoners were grateful to me because I, I could intercede on their behalf with the French officers and, and as Sonia knows, the gratitude of others brings great happiness. I felt a new joy and strength and I can remember those days as among the happiest of my life.


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[Assistant] It lasted about a month until the 6th of October, 1812.


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[Assistant] He was no more in command of events than he had been before. The French army left Moscow like a wounded animal that doesn't know what it's doing.


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[Assistant] Finding itself incapable of penetrating the complexities of causes looks for a simple one.


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[Assistant] And then it became the will of heroes. And yet, the more you look at an historical event,


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[Assistant] This is what Napoleon did not understand, and Katusov did.


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[Assistant] Katusov left Moscow and took the Ryazan road directly to the east.


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[Assistant] Then the army did a right turn to the south.


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[Assistant] People say this was a stroke of genius, but it was obvious that the best place for the army was where there was an abundance of provisions to the south. Katusov settled in Turutino and waited. Napoleon stayed in Moscow for a month.


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[Assistant] Issuing brilliant orders, as he had always done, but they were useless. He punished those who had burned down Moscow. The result?


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[Assistant] Was that the other half of Moscow burned down. He had constant military reviews. But the French army continued to loot and lost all discipline.


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[Assistant] He told the peasants that their produce would be generously paid for.


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[Assistant] The peasants stayed away, or killed any French soldier they saw. And Katusov?


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[Assistant] Deserter came and told the Count that General Moura was about a mile away.


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[Assistant] Count Olaf was waiting for the infantry columns that never arrived and decided to attack himself with his 200 Cossacks.


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[Assistant] Now, Olaf would have liked to take Mora, prisoner, but his Cossacks were so excited by the booty of horses, cannons, guns, prisoners, that they, they stayed where they were and Mora escaped. And that was the Battle of Tarutina.


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[Assistant] No, he was biding his time, as always. The weeks passed.


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[Assistant] Ah, well that, that was more painful.


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[Assistant] It must have been the 6th or 7th of October. It was still very warm.


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[Assistant] We were marched out of the charred city where half of the Kremlin was missing along the Smolensk road, which was blocked by all the carriages piled high with the loot the French were taking with them. Life became hard. The French soldiers resented looking after us. Food rations were cut down. Orders were given.


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[Assistant] That first evening when we halted on the road, I sat by myself, away from the others.


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[Assistant] Oh, well, as long as I don't look at the saws, I can walk. I didn't think I could this morning, but I did.


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[Assistant] On the 22nd of October, we were making our way to Shamsherville. The road was strewn with dead horses. The French were now stealing their loot from each other. Any French soldier who could find Russians to surrender to? Usually did. It kept raining. We walked in the slippery mud. We kept walking.


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[Assistant] Once we were suddenly ordered to stop, and I saw an elegant carriage ride by, drawn by a pair of grey horses.


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[Assistant] It was the emperor himself. He was abandoning the scattered units of his army saying he was needed in Paris.


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[Assistant] But similarly, there is no situation in which he could be perfectly unhappy.


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[Assistant] And now I suffer from lying on damp ground, but eh, eh.


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[Assistant] The truth is that uhm, I'd avoided him as he became more ill, but when he looked at me as I walked away, there was, there was no reproach at all in his round face. I don't remember much after that. The French army continued to disintegrate. The partisans continued their attacks.


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[Assistant] It's late. It's time for everyone to go to bed.


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[Assistant] Destroying the French army would be like peasants who drive out a herd of cattle who are eating their vegetable garden and then begin beating them on the head for the pleasure of it. Once they leave your vegetable garden, why bother?


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[Assistant] As it pursued Napoleon from Turutino to Krasno,


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[Assistant] Even you, Andrusia, have been more interested in Napoleon than in this extraordinary man. This man with no vanity.


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[Assistant] Who alone was able to discern the will of Providence and submit to it. Unlike Napoleon, who tried to justify his terrible deeds to the end. Katoosov never said anything about himself. And yet...


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[Assistant] He alone knew that the Battle of Borodino was a victory.


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[Assistant] That the loss of Moscow would not be the loss of Russia.


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[Assistant] He was the one who refused peace, because such was the will of the people. And he understood that during the retreat, no battles were necessary.


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[Assistant] Because the French army was doing all the work by itself.


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[Assistant] In 1813. He came to say goodbye to us before that. Now, please, you children, you must go to bed.


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[Assistant] It took some time for us all to return to life, Masha.


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[Assistant] I was liberated on October the 28th, but on that one day, I helped Barry Petia. I heard of Andre's death, and I also heard of the death of my wife, Ellen. I fell ill for three months. I didn't get back to Moscow until


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[Assistant] January, 1813. But you're right, everything was already...


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[Assistant] Boiling with life and Moscow was being rebuilt. I settled into the remaining wing of my house.


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[Assistant] I heard that the Princess Maria Balkansky was in Moscow, and I went to see her. I was received in her rooms.


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[Assistant] It was already very dark and there was only one candle lit. I saw a woman in black in the shadows in the corner.


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[Assistant] Only a person who believes there is a god who rules over us can endure such a loss.


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[Assistant] And that night, Marsha, I told your mother and Maria everything I could, as I've told you today. I didn't leave the house until three in the morning. I must take my leave.


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[Assistant] Princess, help me. What am I to do? I know I'm not worthy of her, but I've loved her ever since she was a child, practicing her dancing steps. I know it's impossible to talk about it now.


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[Assistant] Even Napoleon's story must end. There he stands, like a worn-out actor.


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[Assistant] Not the expression of a divine will or of the will of a hero, but the coincidence of a thousand small events and the participation of all the people. This is difficult to accept.


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[Assistant] We believe ourselves free. But we are free, Uncle Pierre, and we can help others to become free. We feel free, but it doesn't mean that we are free. Our consciousness is free. That's what I discovered when I was a prisoner.


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[Assistant] Since vicious people always band together and constitute a force, honest people must do the same.


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[Assistant] Depends on the coincidence of other wills with your own. But something is needed. Everyone is waiting for the inevitable upheaval.


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[Assistant] Love and mutual aid, and how to bring these about.


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[Assistant] So even if Lily and I weren't in a fight, I wouldn't have been able to sit with her at lunch today. She's become the queen of the calls to live.


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[Assistant] All these people were clustered around the table where Shi and I and Chimika and Lingxu normally eat our dumplings from Big Wong. Boris Pelkowski was sitting where I usually sit.


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[Assistant] Lily must be in heaven. She's always wanted to be worshipped by a musical genius.


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[Assistant] So I was standing there like a total idiot with my stupid tray of stupid salad, which was the only vegetarian entree today since they ran out of cans of Sterno for the bean and grain bar, and I was like, who am I going to sit by?


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[Assistant] There are only about ten tables in our cafe since we have rotating lunch ships. There's the table where I sit with Lily, and then the jock table, the cheerleader table, the rich kid table, the hip hop table, the druggie table,


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[Assistant] The Drama Freak Table, the National Honor Society Table, the Foreign Exchange Students Table, and the table where Tina Hakim Baba sits every day with her bodyguard.


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[Assistant] I'm not into hip hopping or drugs. I didn't get a part in the latest play, and with my F in algebra, the chance of my getting into the National Honor Society is like, nil, and I can't understand anything the foreign exchange students say since there are no French ones. I looked at Tina Hakim Baba.


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[Assistant] She had a salad in front of her, just like me, only Tina eats salad because she has a weight problem, not because she's a vegetarian. She was reading a romance novel.


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[Assistant] It had a photograph on the front of a teenage boy with his arms around a teenage girl.


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[Assistant] I walked over and put my tray down in front of Tina Hakim Baba's. Can I sit here? I asked. Tina looked up from her book. She had an expression of total shock on her face. She looked at me and then she looked at her bodyguard. He was a tall, dark-skinned man in a black suit. He had on sunglasses even though we were inside.


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[Assistant] I think Lars could probably have taken him if it had come down to a fight between the two of them. When Tina looked at her bodyguard, he looked at me.


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[Assistant] At least I think he did. It was hard to tell with those sunglasses. And nodded.


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[Assistant] I felt kind of bad seeing Tina smile like that. Like, maybe I should have asked to sit down with her before. But I used to think she was such a freak because she rode to school in a limo and had a bodyguard. I don't think she's as much of a freak now.


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[Assistant] Tina and I ate our salads and talked about how much school food sucks. She told me about her diet. Her mother put her on it. She wants to lose 20 pounds by the cultural diversity dance.


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[Assistant] I asked Tina if she had a date for the cultural diversity dance or something, and she got all giggly and said, yes, she did.


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[Assistant] She's going with a guy from Trinity, which is another private school in Manhattan. The guy's name is Dave Farooq El Abar. Hello? It isn't.


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[Assistant] God, if Lars ever started shadowing me like that, I'd kill myself. I read the back of her book. The book was called, I think my name is Amanda.


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[Assistant] And it was about a girl who woke up from a coma and couldn't remember who she was. This really cute boy comes to visit her in the hospital and tells her that her name is Amanda and that he's her boyfriend. She spends the rest of the book trying to figure out whether or not he's lying.


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[Assistant] I am so sure, if some cute boy wants to tell you that he's your boyfriend, why wouldn't you just let him? Some girls don't know when they've got it made. While I was reading the back of the book, this shadow fell over it, and I looked up, and there was Lana Weinberger.


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[Assistant] It must have been a game day because she had on her cheerleader uniform a green and white pleated miniskirt and a tight white sweater with a giant A across the front of it.


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[Assistant] I think she stuffs her pom-poms down her bra when she isn't using them, otherwise I don't see how her chest could stick out so much.


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[Assistant] Nice hair Amelia, she said in her snotty voice. Who are you supposed to be, tank girl? I looked past her.


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[Assistant] Josh Richter was standing there with some of his dumb jock friends. They weren't paying any attention to me and Lana.


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[Assistant] They were talking about a party they'd been to over the weekend. They were all wrecked from having consumed too much beer. I wonder if their coach knows.


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[Assistant] What do you call this color, anyway? Lana wanted to know. She touched the top of my head. Puss yellow.


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[Assistant] Tina Hakeem Baba and her bodyguard came back while Lana was standing there tormenting me.


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[Assistant] In addition to her diet soda, Tina had purchased a Nutty Royale ice cream cone which she gave to me. I thought this was very nice of her considering the fact that I'd hardly ever spoken to her before.


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[Assistant] But Lana didn't see the niceness of this gesture. Instead, she asked all innocently,


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[Assistant] Oh, Tina, did you buy that extra ice cream for Amelia here? Did your daddy give you an extra hundred dollars today so you could buy yourself a new friend?


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[Assistant] Tina's dark eyes filled up with hurt. The bodyguard saw this and opened his mouth. Then, a strange thing happened.


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[Assistant] I was sitting there, looking at the tears welling up in Tina Hakeem Baba's eyes, and then the next thing I knew, I'd taken my nutty royale and thrust it with all my might at the front of Latta's sweater.


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[Assistant] Lana looked down at the vanilla ice cream, hard chocolate shell, and peanuts that were sticking to her chest.


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[Assistant] And the other jock stopped talking and looked at Lana's chest too.


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[Assistant] Everyone was looking at the ice cream cone sticking to Lana's chest.


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[Assistant] It was so quiet, I could hear Boris breathing through the wires of his Bionator. Then Lana started to scream, you, you, I guess you couldn't think of a word bad enough to call me, you, you, look what you've


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[Assistant] I stood up and grabbed my tray. Come on, Tina, I said. Let's go somewhere a little bit quieter.


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[Assistant] Tina, her big brown eyes on the sugar cones sticking out of the middle of the A on Lana's chest, picked up her tray and followed me. The bodyguard followed Tina. I could swear he was laughing.


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[Assistant] As Tina and I walked past the table where Lily and I usually sat, I saw Lily staring at me with her mouth open. She had obviously seen the whole thing. Well, I guess she's going to have to change her diagnosis. I am not unassertive. Not when I don't want to be. I'm not sure, but as Tina and her bodyguard and I left, I thought I heard some applause coming from the geek table.


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[Assistant] I came to ask you what I should do. I'm not sure what one is supposed to do in these circumstances.


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[Assistant] Well then I think he means it, too. You must refuse him, that's all. Yes, but what do I say? I feel so sorry for him. Shall I tell him? No, ma'am, I will. But could you listen at the door?


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[Assistant] I've decided to refuse you, but I'm so sorry. Because you're so nice and... I'll always love you. May I kiss you? Captain!


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[Assistant] So lovely. Sonia, wake up. Don't sleep. There's never been such a lovely night. Look at the moon. I want to fly away like this.


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[Assistant] The Countess never recovered from Petyr's death. But I was more worried about Natasha. She never left her mother's side during that time.


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[Assistant] My friend, Natasha, we must live, we must have faith. We must live. Poor mama.


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[Assistant] Natasha has come to stay with me. The Count and Countess will come any day. They are quite broken by Vince.


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[Assistant] And in 1813, your father and mother married, Masha. It seemed it would be the last happy event of the family.


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[Assistant] You can be very hard and proud sometimes, Nikolai. It almost cost us our happiness.


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[Assistant] I was in Moscow. You never even came to see me.


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[Assistant] The Countess had been so kind to me when Andre was lying wounded. I felt I ought at least to pay a visit.


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[Assistant] You barely said anything to me that whole afternoon. You looked at me so coldly. It was very hurtful.


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[Assistant] Alright mama! I'll go. But when you came...


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[Assistant] We talked about things of no interest to either one of us. You couldn't wait to leave.


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[Assistant] I only thought you would allow me to discuss such a matter with you because, because I had become so close to your family, and to you, at Bogacharovo, all that time ago.


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[Assistant] And here we are, at Bald Hills, and Nikolai runs it even better than my father.


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[Assistant] Nor did I, Lisa. You see, when my father died, I became head of the family. I gave up my commission and returned to Russia. I understood that Papa had probably died from despair.


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[Assistant] He'd made a terrible mess of our affairs and there was nothing left of the estates. And not only was there nothing left, but we owed twice as much as the value of our property.


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[Assistant] I was advised to renounce the Rostov inheritance. That is, to go bankrupt. But that would have been a dishonor to Father's memory, and bring our name into disrepute, and I couldn't do that!


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[Assistant] I wanted to pay off all the debts father had accumulated. And I took a job in the civil service.


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[Assistant] Sonia Mama and I moved into a small apartment.


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[Assistant] I felt there was nothing left for me but to endure my situation and keep paying the debts until my life ended. I saw no one.


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[Assistant] I had known you in another life when you were in distress and I was a dashing officer of the hussars. Not a badly paid third grade civil servant trying to maintain his mother and cousin on 12,000 rubles a year.


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[Assistant] I haven't the slightest wish to mama. Why did she come anyway? Why is she prowling around?


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[Assistant] You were distracted and when I looked at your face, there was such an expression of suffering on it that I wanted to help you, but I couldn't think of anything. Goodbye then.


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[Assistant] So much water has flowed since then, Princess. It was indeed a long time ago.


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[Assistant] If you need me, I'm your man. You say everything is bad with us and that there must be an upheaval, but I tell you, Denisov, you're my best friend.


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[Assistant] But I know that my duty is to obey my government, to which I have sworn an oath. And if you start to oppose the government and I'm ordered to go against you, I'll obey.


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[Assistant] That's crazy. He said, I like you. I like you a lot.


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[Assistant] I said, you can't like me a lot. You don't even know me. That's why I thought you asked me out so you could get to know me better. But you haven't tried to get to know me at all. You just wanted to get your picture on Extra.


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[Assistant] He laughed at that, but I noticed he didn't look me in the eye when he said,


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[Assistant] What do you mean? I don't even know you. Of course I know you. No, you don't.


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[Assistant] Because if you did you wouldn't have ordered me a steak for dinner. I heard a murmur go around through all of my friends.


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[Assistant] I guess they recognized the seriousness of Josh's mistake, even if he didn't.


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[Assistant] He heard them too, so when he replied he was talking to them too.


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[Assistant] So I ordered the girl a steak, he said, with his arms open in a sosumi sort of way. That's a crime? It was filet mignon for God's sake. Lily said in her meanest voice,


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[Assistant] This information didn't seem to bother Josh very much. He just shrugged and went, Oops, my bad. Then he turned to me and said, Ready to slide?


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[Assistant] But I had no intention of sliding with Josh. I had no intention of doing anything with Josh ever again.


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[Assistant] I couldn't believe after what I just said to him, he thought I'd still want to. The guy really was a sociopath.


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[Assistant] Disgusted, I did the only thing a girl can be expected to do under those circumstances. I turned my back on him and walked out.


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[Assistant] Only since of course I couldn't go back outside, not if I didn't want teen people to get a nice close-up of me crying.


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[Assistant] My only recourse was to walk out into the girls room.


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[Assistant] It finally registered on Josh that I was ditching him.


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[Assistant] By that time, all of his friends had shown up, and they came tumbling through the doors just as Josh said, sounding totally peeved. Jesus, it was just a kiss! I whirled around.


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[Assistant] It wasn't just a kiss. I said I was getting really mad.


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[Assistant] Maybe that's how you wanted it to look, like it was just a kiss. But you and I both know what it really was. A media event. And one that you've been planning since you saw me in the post. Well,


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[Assistant] Thank you, Josh, but I can get my own publicity. I don't need you.


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[Assistant] Then, after holding out my hand to Lars for my journal, I took it and stalked into the girl's room. Which is where I am now, writing this.


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[Assistant] And next week, it's going to be in every teen magazine in the country. Probably even some international magazines will pick it up, like Majesty Magazine, which follows the lives of all the young royals in Great Britain and Monaco.


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[Assistant] They ran a whole article on the wardrobe of Prince Edward's wife Sophie once, rating each one of her outfits on a scale of one to ten. They called it Out of the Closet.


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[Assistant] I don't suppose it will be too long before Majesty Magazine starts following me around raiding my wardrobe and boyfriend's too.


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[Assistant] I wonder what the caption under the picture of me and Josh will be. Young, royal, and love? Excuse me, but ew.


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[Assistant] And the kicker of it all is that I am totally not in love with Josh Richter. I mean, it would have been nice. Who am I kidding? It would have been great to have a boyfriend.


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[Assistant] Sometimes I think there really is something wrong with me that I don't have one. But the thing is, I would rather not have a boyfriend at all.


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[Assistant] And have one who is only using me for my money or the fact that my father is a prince or for any reason really except that he likes me for me and nothing else.


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[Assistant] Of course, now that everyone knows I'm a princess, it's going to be kind of hard to tell which guys like me for me and which guys like me for my tiara.


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[Assistant] At least I realized the truth about Josh before things went on too long.


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[Assistant] How could I have ever liked him? He's such a user.


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[Assistant] Totally used me. He purposefully hurt Lana and then tried to use me.


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[Assistant] And I played right into his hands like the stupid sap that I am. What am I going to do?


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[Assistant] When my dad sees that photograph, he is going to flip out. There is no way I will ever be able to explain that it wasn't my fault.


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[Assistant] Maybe if I'd punched Josh in the stomach in front of all those cameras, maybe then my dad would believe I was an innocent bystander. But probably not.


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[Assistant] I will never be allowed out of the house with a boy again, ever, for the rest of my natural life.


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[Assistant] Uh oh. I see shoes outside my stall. Somebody is talking to me. It's Tina. Tina wants to know if I'm alright. Somebody is with her. Oh my god. I recognize those feet. It's Lily!


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[Assistant] Lily and Tina both want to know if I'm alright.


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[Assistant] Lily is actually speaking to me again, not criticizing me or complaining about my behavior. She is actually speaking to me in a friendly manner. She's saying through the stall door that she's sorry for laughing at my hair.


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[Assistant] She and Tina want me to come out and hang out with them, but I told them I don't want to.


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[Assistant] It would be too awkward, all of them with dates and me by myself like a big dope.


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[Assistant] And then Lily goes, Oh, that's okay. Michael's here. He's been hanging around by himself like a big dope all night. Michael Moskovitz came to a school event? I can't believe it.


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[Assistant] He never goes anywhere except to like, lectures in quantum physics and stuff. I have got to see this for myself. I am going out there right now. More later.


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[Assistant] Homework. Algebra. Problems on page 135. English. Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson. Write feelings about this quote in journal.


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[Assistant] World Civ, questions at the end of chapter 9. GNT, not applicable.


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[Assistant] French. Plan an itinerary for a make-believe trip to Paris. Biology. Kenny's doing it. Remind mom to make appointment with licensed geneticist.


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[Assistant] Could she or Mr. G be a carrier for the genetic mutation Tay-Sachs? It is common in Jews of Eastern European origin and in French Canadians. Are there any French Canadians in our family? Find out!


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[Assistant] He's not planning on sending you to a girl's school or anything?


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[Assistant] What are you talking about? He's delighted that you mentioned my bodyguard. Now he thinks anyone who'd had plans to kidnap me will definitely think twice. Oops, there's another call. It's probably my grandmother in Dubai. They have a satellite dish. I'm sure she heard you mention me. Bye! Tina hung up. Great! Even people in Dubai saw my interview. I don't even know where Dubai is. The phone rang again.


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[Assistant] I cannot imagine what that woman was thinking, Clarmer said. I was pleased she was on my side for once.


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[Assistant] Then she went on and I saw that she wasn't talking about anything to do with me.


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[Assistant] Maybe I could transfer to another school. Do you think there's a school in Manhattan that will take someone with a 1.0 in algebra? Wait. Calmer's voice became muffled.


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[Assistant] My own grandmother hung up on me. What kind of a reject am I anyway? I went into my mom's bathroom. She was sitting on the floor looking unhappy. Mr. Giannini was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He looked confused. Well, who can blame him? A couple of months ago he was just an algebra teacher.


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[Assistant] Now he's the father of the future sibling of the Princess of Genovia.


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[Assistant] I need to find another school to go to from now on. I informed them. Do you think you could help me out with that, Mr. G?


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[Assistant] I mean, do you have any pull with the teacher's association or anything? My mother went, Oh Mia, it wasn't that bad.


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[Assistant] Yes, it was. I said you didn't even see most of it. You were in here throwing up. Yes, my mother said, but I could hear it. And what did you say that wasn't true?


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[Assistant] People who excel at sports have traditionally been treated like gods in our society while people whose brilliance is cerebral are routinely ignored or worse, mocked as nerds or geeks.


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[Assistant] Frankly, I believe scientists working on cures for cancer should be paid the salaries professional athletes are receiving. Professional athletes aren't out there saving lives for God's sake. They entertain. And actors? Don't tell me, act-


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[Assistant] I realized my mother was probably delusional with nausea. I said, well I think I'll just be going to bed now.


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[Assistant] Instead of replying my mother leaned over the toilet and threw up some more.


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[Assistant] I could see that in spite of all my warnings about the potential lethality of shellfish for a developing fetus, she'd order jumbo prawns and garlic sauce from number one noodle son.


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[Assistant] Having a guy like my cousin Hank follow you around from class to class certainly keeps people's minds off the idiot you made of yourself on TV the other night. Seriously.


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[Assistant] Not that the cheerleaders have forgotten all about the whole 24-7 thing. I'm still getting the evil eye in the hallway every once in a while.


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[Assistant] But as soon as their gazes flicked over me and settled on Hank, something seemed to happen to them. I couldn't figure out what it was at first.


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[Assistant] I thought it was just that they were so stunned to see a guy in a flannel shirt and overalls in the middle of Manhattan.


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[Assistant] Then I slowly started realizing it was something else.


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[Assistant] I guess Hank is sort of buff, and he does have sort of nice blonde hair that kind of hangs in his pretty boy blue eyes. But I think it's something even more than that. It's like...


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[Assistant] Hank is giving off those pheromones we studied in bio or something. Only I can't sense them because I am related to him.


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[Assistant] As soon as girls notice Hank, they sidle up to me and whisper,


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[Assistant] Who is that, while gazing longingly at Hank's biceps, which are actually quite pronounced beneath all that plaid? Take Lionel Weinberger, for instance.


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[Assistant] There she was hanging around my locker waiting for Josh to show up so the two of them could take part in their morning face sucking ritual when Hank and I appeared. Lana's eyes, heavily circled in Bobby Brown, widened and she went, Who's your friend?


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[Assistant] And don't think in algebra Lana wasn't doing everything she could to get Hank to notice her.


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[Assistant] She swished her long blonde hair all over my desk. She dropped her pencil like four times. She kept crossing and re-crossing her legs. Finally Mr. Giannini was like, Miss Weinberger, do you need a bathroom pass?


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[Assistant] Even Miss Molina, the school secretary, was strangely giggly when she was making out a guest pass for Hank. But...


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[Assistant] That's nothing compared to Lily's reaction as she climbed into the limo this morning when we swung by to pick up her and Michael. She looked across the seat.


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[Assistant] And her jaw dropped open and this piece of pop-tart she'd been chewing fell right out onto the floor.


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[Assistant] I've never seen her do anything like that before in my life. Lily is generally very good at keeping things in her mouth.


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[Assistant] Hormones are very powerful things. We are helpless in their wake. Which would certainly explain the whole Michael thing.


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[Assistant] Tuesday, October 28th, 11pm. Another email from Josie Rocks. This one said, Josie Rocks, Dear Mia, Just a note to tell you I saw you last night on TV. You looked beautiful, as always. I know some people at school have been giving you a hard time.


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[Assistant] Thank you so much. Please won't you tell me who you are? I swear I won't tell a soul. Mia.


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[Assistant] He hasn't written back yet, but I think my sincerity really shows considering all the exclamation points. I am slowly wearing him down. I just know it.


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[Assistant] English Journal My most profound moment was...


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[Assistant] English Journal Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you Ralph Waldo Emerson


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[Assistant] I believe that Mr. Emerson was talking about the fact that you were only given one life to live, and so you would better make the best of it.


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[Assistant] This idea is best illustrated by a movie I saw on the Lifetime channel while I was sick. The movie was called, Who is Julia? In this movie, Mayor Winningham plays Julia.


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[Assistant] A woman who wakes up one day after an accident to discover that her body has been completely destroyed.


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[Assistant] And her brain transplanted into someone whose body was okay, but whose brain had ceased functioning.


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[Assistant] Since Julia formerly was a fashion model and now her brain is in a housewife's body, mere winning hams, she is understandably upset. She goes around banging her head against things because she is no longer blonde, five foot ten, and a hundred and ten pounds. But finally,


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[Assistant] Through Julia's husband's undying devotion to her despite her iffy new looks and a brief kidnapping by the housewife's psychotic husband who wants her to come back home to do his laundry, Julia realizes that looking like a model isn't as important as not being dead. This movie raises the inevitable question.


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[Assistant] If your body was destroyed in an accident and they had to transplant your brain into someone else's body, whose body would you want it to be? After considerable thought,


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[Assistant] I have decided that I would most want to be in the body of Michelle Kwan, the Olympic ice skater, since she is very pretty and has a marketable skill. And as everyone knows, it is quite stylish these days to be Asian.


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[Assistant] Either Michelle or Britney Spears, so I could finally have bigger breasts.


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[Assistant] Monday, September 7th, Labor Day. Women rule. Did you see it?


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[Assistant] Did you get that hypocritical piece of garbage she sent out last week? Just who does she think she's kidding with that? You so know that part about ritualistic chanting was directed at me, just because I organized a few student rallies last year. Well, we're going to show her. She might think she can stifle the voice of the people,


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[Assistant] But the student body of Albert Einstein High is not going to be intimidated. Fat Louie. Lily, I-


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[Assistant] Women rule. Did you see that part about the surveillance cameras?


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[Assistant] Have you ever heard of anything so fascist? Well she can install all the surveillance cameras she wants, but that's not going to stop me. It's just another example of how she's slowly turning this school into her own academic dictatorship.


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[Assistant] You know, they used surveillance cameras in communist Russia to keep the proletariat in line. I wonder what she'll bring in next. XKGB militia perhaps as hall monitors? I so wouldn't put it past her. This is a total invasion of our right to privacy.


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[Assistant] That's why this year, Pog, we're taking matters into our own hands. I have a plan. Fat Louie. Lily. Women rule.


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[Assistant] That will totally undermine her attempts to strip us of our sense of selves and bend us to her will.


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[Assistant] Fat Louie. Lily! I thought the whole point of instant messaging was so that we could talk. Women rule. Isn't that what we're doing? Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] You know, ever since that little brother of yours was born, you have gotten wayyyy sensitive. Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] Excuse me, I have always been sensitive. Women rule. You can say that again, BL. Don't you want to hear my plan? Fat Louie. I guess so. Wait a minute, what's BL? Women rule. You know. Fat Louie. No, I don't. Women rule. Yes, you do. Baby liquor.


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[Assistant] Just because I didn't think it was appropriate for my mother to take her six week old newborn on a peace march across the Brooklyn Bridge does not make me a baby licker. Anything could have happened during that march. Anything.


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[Assistant] If the fall didn't crush all his little bones to pieces first,


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[Assistant] And even if I dove in after him, we might both have been swept out to sea by the current. Oh thanks, Lily. Why did you have to remind me? Women rule.


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[Assistant] Remember what the zookeeper had to do to the red panda? Fat Louie. SHUT UP!


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[Assistant] No one is going to take away my baby brother because I lick him too much. I have never once licked Rocky. Women rule.


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[Assistant] Yes, but you have to admit you are a little obsessive compulsive about him. Fat Louie. Well, somebody has to worry about him.


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[Assistant] Sometimes even taking him there on the subway, which you know is just a breeding ground for germs, and Mr. G tossing him into the air and causing his head to smack against the ceiling fan. I frankly think Rocky is lucky to have a big sister like me who looks out for his welfare, since God knows no one else in the family is doing it. Women rule. Whatever you say, baby licker. Fat Louie. Shut up, Lily! Just tell me your stupid plan.


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[Assistant] Women rule. No, I don't want to now. I think you're better off not knowing. Baby lookers like you, who worry too much,


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[Assistant] What? Tell him to hold on. This is important, Mia. Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] This may come as a surprise to you, Lily, but talking to your brother is important too. At least to me. You know, I've only seen him twice since I got back Friday. Women rule.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry I called you a baby licker. Just wait one minute while I tell you... Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] And once was dorm move-in day on Saturday and hardly counts since he was all sweaty from carrying that mini refrigerator up all those stairs after the elevators broke down. Women rule. Mia, are you even listening to me? Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] Fat Louie. Newest magic deck since Maya dropped his last one. Women rule. Two.


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[Assistant] Fat Louie. And it got all mixed up with the decks he doesn't use anymore. Women rule. Kill you! Fat Louie. Terminated.


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[Assistant] English journal by Mia Thermopoulos. Keep. Out. This means you, unless you are Mrs. Spears. An introduction. Name.


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[Assistant] Emilia Mignolet Cromaldi Thermopolis-Ronaldo, known as Mia for short. Her Royal Highness the Princess of Genovia, or just Princess Mia in some circles. Age. 14. Year in school. Freshman. Sex. Haven't had it. Yet. Haha, just kidding Mrs. Beers.


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[Assistant] Short mouse brown hair, new blonde highlights, gray eyes, size ten shoe. The rest is not worth remarking on. Parents. Mother, Helen Thermopolis. Occupation, painter, father. Artur Christoph Philippe Girard Grimaldi Rinaldo. Occupation, Prince of Genovia. Parents marital status.


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[Assistant] Because I am the result of a fling my mother and father had in college that never married. Each other. And are both currently single.


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[Assistant] It is probably better this way since all they ever do is fight. With each other, I mean. Pets. One cat, that Louie.


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[Assistant] Orange and white, Louis weighs 25 pounds. Louis is 8 years old and has been on a diet for approximately 6 of those years. When Louis is upset with us for say, forgetting to feed him, he eats any socks he might find lying around. Also,


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[Assistant] He is attracted to small glittery things and has quite a collection of beer bottle caps and tweezers, which he thinks I don't know about, hidden behind the toilet in my bathroom. Best friend. My best friend is Lily Moskovitz. Lily has been my best friend since kindergarten.


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[Assistant] She's fun to hang out with because she is very, very smart and has her own public access television show. Lily tells it like it is.


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[Assistant] She is always thinking up fun things to do, like steal the foam board sculpture of the Parthenon that the Greek and Latin derivatives class made for Parents' Night and hold it for a ransom of ten pounds of lime starbursts.


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[Assistant] Not that that was us, Mrs. Spears. I am just using that as an example of the type of crazy thing Vili might do. Boyfriend. Ha! I wish. Address.


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[Assistant] I have lived all of my life in New York City with my mother, except for summers, which I have traditionally spent with my father at his mother's chateau in France.


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[Assistant] My father's primary residence is Genovia, a small country in Europe located on the Mediterranean between the Italian and French border. For a long time,


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[Assistant] I was led to believe that my father was an important politician in Genovia, like the mayor or something.


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[Assistant] Nobody told me that he was actually a member of the Genovian royal family, that he was, in fact, the reigning monarch, Genovia being a principality.


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[Assistant] I guess nobody ever would have told me either, if my dad hadn't gotten testicular cancer and become sterile, making me, his illegitimate daughter, the only heir he'll ever have to his throne.


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[Assistant] Ever since he finally let me in on this slightly important little secret a month ago?


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[Assistant] Dad has been living at the Plaza Hotel here in New York while his mother...


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[Assistant] My grand mare, the dowager princess, teaches me what I need to know in order to be his heir.


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[Assistant] For which I can only say, thanks. Thanks a whole lot.


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[Assistant] And do you want to know what the really sad part is? None of that was lies.


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[Assistant] No way am I sleeping in the same suite as Gramer. Not after that time she stayed over at the loft.


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[Assistant] I barely slept a wink the whole time she was there. She snored so loud. I could hear her all the way out in the living room.


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[Assistant] Not to mention that she's a total bathroom hog. I guess I kind of expected it.


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[Assistant] I mean, no way would Mom and Mr. G let me stay alone at the loft.


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[Assistant] Even if, like, the entire Royal Genovian Guard was positioned on the roof of our building.


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[Assistant] Ready to take out any potential international princess hostage takers. Not after what happened during my birthday party. Not that I even care!


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[Assistant] Not now that I am responsible for making the country over which I will one day rule the most hated land in Europe.


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[Assistant] Which is pretty hard to do considering, you know, France.


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[Assistant] I didn't actually think it was possible for me to get more stressed than I already was, considering that...


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[Assistant] I think I might be flunking geometry after only three days of it.


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[Assistant] My best friend is making me run for student council president against the most popular girl in school.


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[Assistant] Who was going to crush me like a bug in a humiliating defeat in front of the entire student body on Monday.


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[Assistant] My English teacher, the one I was so excited about and who I was sure was going to help mold me into the kind of writer I know in my heart I have the potential to be.


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[Assistant] Seems to think my prose is so bad it should never be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public. Well, more or less.


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[Assistant] Thank God to all of that I get to add that I had 10,000 snails flown from South America and dumped into the Bay of Genovia in the hopes that they would consume the killer algae currently destroying our delicate ecosystem.


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[Assistant] Only to discover that South American snails apparently don't like European food and that Genovia's neighbors now want nothing to do with us. Yay! Why can't I do anything right? Maybe Becca is right. Maybe I should take up yoga.


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[Assistant] Except that I tried it that one time with Lily and her mom at the 92nd Street Y.


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[Assistant] And they made you stick your butt up in the air the whole time.


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[Assistant] How is sticking your butt up into the air supposed to make you feel less stressed? It just made me feel more stressed because I kept wondering what everyone was thinking about my butt.


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[Assistant] Ordinarily, to soothe my frazzled nerves, I might write a poem or something. However, it is impossible for me to write poetry knowing as I do that at this very moment


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[Assistant] Karen Martinez is pouring over the piece of my soul that I handed to her.


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[Assistant] I hope she is aware that she is currently holding all of my dreams of ever succeeding as a novelist, or at least a hard-hitting international journalist, in her black nail polished fingers.


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[Assistant] I sincerely hope she won't squash them like a bug under Fat Louie's massive paw. I know, you know.


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[Assistant] That's pretty unlikely I'll ever actually get to do any writing once I take over the throne.


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[Assistant] Since I'll be too busy begging the EU to let us back into it and all.


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[Assistant] But I think I would have liked to see a book or even just a newspaper article with the words By Mia Thermopoulos on it.


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[Assistant] Now, I have to go make sure my mom is up on all the plane safety regulations.


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[Assistant] She is going to have to hold him the whole time. I hope in the event that their plane goes down.


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[Assistant] That Mr. G knows he has to count the number of rows between his seat and the nearest emergency exit.


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[Assistant] So that in the event of a water landing and the plane sinks and the lights go out,


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[Assistant] I mean, that's why the airline companies print those cards they stick in the back of the seats. Hello?


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[Assistant] Good thing I have been collecting them for years, so I was able to use them as illustrations for my baby safety talk just now.


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[Assistant] You would think people would be a little more appreciative of my proactiveness. Someone's iam-ing me. It's Michael. Skinnerbox. Hey, you're home. Saw you on New York One. Fat Louie. You saw that? OMG, how embarrassing. Skinnerbox. No, you were good. Is that really true about the EU though? Fat Louie. Apparently,


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[Assistant] My dad says it will be alright though. He thinks. He hopes. Skinnerbox. They should all be ashamed of themselves. Don't they know you were just trying to correct their mistake? Fat Louie. Totally. How was your day? Skinnerbox. Great.


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[Assistant] Today in my policy making under uncertainty seminar.


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[Assistant] We talked about how satellite imaging has revealed that Yellowstone National Park is actually a massive caldera or a supervolcano, which is basically an underground reservoir for magma that is blown every 600,000 years and is now about 40,000 years late for eruption. Also that when it does blow,


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[Assistant] 2,500 times more forceful than that of Mount St. Helens, killing tens of thousands immediately and then millions more in the resulting nuclear winter.


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[Assistant] Unless of course we can figure out a way to relieve some of the pressure now and prevent what could be a global disaster. Okay, I have to say it.


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[Assistant] What kind of school is Michael going to anyway? Skinnerbox. Anyway.


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[Assistant] So, are your mom and Mr. G still going away this weekend? Fat Louie. Yes. They're making me stay with Gramaire. Skinnerbox. Harsh. Your own room?


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[Assistant] That Louie. Of course! Same floor though.


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[Assistant] I hope I won't still be able to hear her snore through the walls. Skinnerbox.


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[Assistant] Does your dad have bodyguards posted in the actual hallway on that floor? Or are they just in neighboring rooms?


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[Assistant] God, he asks the strangest questions sometimes. Boys are so weird. Fat Louie. Lars and those guys stay on the floor below. Skinnerbox. Are there security cameras?


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[Assistant] The mask of its family is totally security camera paranoid these days. Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] No, there are no security cameras. Well, I mean, the hotel probably has them, like in Made in Manhattan, but not the RGG.


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[Assistant] RGG is short for Royal Genovian Guard, which is what Lars is a member of. Fat Louis, what's with all the questions anyway?


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[Assistant] You planning on sneaking up there to steal the crown jewels? You already have a moon rock, what more do you want? Ha ha. Skinner box.


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[Assistant] Haha. Yeah, no, I was just wondering. So, you're still coming over Saturday, right? Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] It is the only thing I have to look forward to in my whole life right now. Skinnerbox. I know. I miss you too.


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[Assistant] It may not be very feminist of me, but I love it when he says or writes stuff like this.


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[Assistant] Not all college boys expect their girlfriends to do it. Because Michael hasn't said a single word to me about it.


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[Assistant] And once, after he paid for a couple of slices at Ray's Pizza,


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[Assistant] He left his wallet on the table and I looked all through it while he was in the men's room.


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[Assistant] Because I was curious about what boys keep in their wallets. And here is what I found. $48. Metro card. Hayden Planetarium membership card. School ID. Driver's license. Forbidden Planet comic superstore discount card. NYC public library card. But no condom.


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[Assistant] Which just goes to show, my boyfriend clearly has other things on his mind than sex. Such as the future energy crisis.


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[Assistant] And potential global disasters caused by super volcanoes. Which is a lot more than Lily can say about Boris. I mean, Tina. Whoever. Maybe Michael and I won't ever even have to have the talk.


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[Assistant] Friday, September 11th, P.E. I hate her so much.


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[Assistant] Friday, September 11th, Geometry. Seriously, where does she get off?


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[Assistant] Theorem equals statement that is proved by reasoning deductively from already accepted statements. She only said it to get under my skin. Right? Because it can't be true. It can't be! Can it?


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[Assistant] Saturday, September 12th, 7pm, Cafe 212. I have to write this fast, while Michael is up paying for the food.


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[Assistant] Fortunately, there's a horrendously long line at the cash register. This place is packed, so it should take him a while. Anyway.


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[Assistant] I found out the reason Dupac thought Michael was pulling his leg about me being his girlfriend.


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[Assistant] And it has nothing to do with me being a princess.


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[Assistant] It has to do with Dupac thinking I'm too pretty for Michael. I am not even kidding.


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[Assistant] He looked totally ashamed of himself, and he said, without Michael even hitting him first or anything,


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[Assistant] I am very sorry I did not believe you when you said you were Mike's girlfriend.


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[Assistant] You see, he went on in the same apologetic tone. You are much too pretty to be dating Mike. He is, what do you call it? Oh yes, a nerd, like me. And nerds like us don't get pretty girlfriends. So I thought he was pranking me. Please accept my very humble apologies for my mistake. I looked from Michael to Dupac to see if they were, uhm, pranking me.


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[Assistant] But I could tell from Dupac's red embarrassed face, and Michael's even redder, more embarrassed face, that Dupac was telling the truth.


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[Assistant] They must have very different standards for prettiness in South Korea than they have here in the US.


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[Assistant] Also, apparently, where Dupac is from, boys who play with computers all day just don't get girlfriends. At all. Maybe this is why they are always drawing them. You know, through anime and manga.


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[Assistant] But, as I explained to Dupac, being a nerd in America is actually quite stylish. And most sensible girls want to date a nerd, as opposed to a jock or a playa.


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[Assistant] Dupac didn't look as if he dared, believe me. But I pointed out that Bill Gates, who is in fact the king of the nerds, is married. And that seemed to cinch it for him.


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[Assistant] He shook my hand and asked very excitedly whether I had any female friends I might bring over someday for him and the rest of the boys on the floor to meet. I told him that I would certainly try.


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[Assistant] Then Dupac excused himself to go to the computer store to buy the latest version of Myst, and Michael said, irritably,


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[Assistant] That he wished they would let freshmen have single rooms in the dorm, instead of forcing them to share with a roommate.


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[Assistant] Which reminds me about something I noticed in their bathroom right before I left.


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[Assistant] Something that completely didn't register until just now.


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[Assistant] There is a box of condoms in Michael and DuPock's medicine cabinet. Seriously, I saw it. Oh my god, I totally saw it. What does this mean?


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[Assistant] I mean, clearly DUPAC isn't doing it with anyone.


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[Assistant] Principal Gupta is way concerned about my mental health. Mia, are you really so unhappy here at Albert Einstein?


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[Assistant] I didn't want to hurt her feelings or anything, so I said no.


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[Assistant] I mean, the truth is, it probably wouldn't matter what school somebody stuck me in. I will always be a five foot nine freak with no breasts no matter where I go. Then Principal Gupta said something surprising.


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[Assistant] I only ask because last night during your interview you said you weren't popular.


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[Assistant] I wasn't quite sure where she was going with this, so I just said, well, I'm not. With a shrug.


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[Assistant] That isn't true. Principal Gupta said everyone in the school knows who you are.


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[Assistant] I still didn't want her to feel bad, like it was her fault I'm a biological sport, so I explained very gently.


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[Assistant] Yes, but that's only because I'm a princess. Before that, I was pretty much invisible. Principal Gupta said that simply isn't true.


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[Assistant] But all I could think was, how would you even know? You aren't out there. You don't know what it's like.


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[Assistant] And then I felt even worse for her because she is so obviously living in principal fantasy world.


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[Assistant] Perhaps, Principal Gupta said, if you took part in more extracurricular activities, you'd feel a better sense of belonging. This caused my jaw to drop. Principal Gupta, I couldn't help exclaiming, I am barely passing algebra.


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[Assistant] After my review sessions, I have princess lessons with my grandmother, so that when I go to Genovia in December for my introduction to the people I will one day rule, I do not make a complete idiot of myself like I did last night on TV.


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[Assistant] I think the word idiot might be a little strong. I really don't have time. I went on feeling more sorry for her than ever for extracurricular activities.


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[Assistant] The yearbook committee meets only once a week, Principal Gupta said. Or perhaps you could join the track team. They won't begin training until the spring, and by that time, hopefully, you won't be having princess lessons any more. I just blinked at her. I was so surprised. Me? Track?


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[Assistant] I can barely walk without tripping over my own gargantuan beat. God knows what would happen if I tried running.


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[Assistant] And the yearbook committee? Did I really look like someone who wants to remember one single thing about my high school experience?


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[Assistant] Well, Principal Gupta said, I guess realizing from my facial expression that I was not enthused by either of these suggestions, it was just an idea.


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[Assistant] I do think you would be much happier here at Albert Einstein if you joined a club. I am aware, of course, of your friendship with Lily Moskovitz, and I sometimes wonder if she might not be, well, a negative influence on you. The television show of hers is quite acerbic. I was shocked by this. Poor Principal Gupta is more deluded than I thought.


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[Assistant] Oh no, I said, Lily's show is actually quite positive.


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[Assistant] Didn't you see the episode dedicated to fighting racism in Korean delis? Or the one about how a lot of clothing stores that cater to teens are prejudiced against larger sized girls since they don't carry enough things in size 12 the size of the average American woman?


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[Assistant] Or the one where we tried to hand deliver a pound of vignero cookies to Freddie Prince Jr.'s apartment because he'd been looking a little thin? Principal Gupta held up her hand.


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[Assistant] I see that you feel very passionately about this, she said, and I must say I am pleased. It is good to know you feel passionate about something, Mia, other than your antipathy toward athletes and cheerleaders. Then I felt worse than ever, I said.


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[Assistant] I don't feel antipathy toward them, I'm just saying that sometimes, well, sometimes it feels like they run this school, Principal Gupta.


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[Assistant] Well, I can assure you, Principal Gupta said, that is not true. Poor, poor Principal Gupta.


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[Assistant] Still I did feel that I had to intrude upon the fantasy world in which she so obviously lives just a little. Um, I said, Principal Gupta, about Mrs. Hill. What about her? Principal Gupta asked.


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[Assistant] I didn't mean it when I said she's always in the teacher's lounge during my gifted and talented class. That was an exaggeration.


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[Assistant] Principal Goop has smiled at me in this very brittle way.


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[Assistant] Don't worry, Mia. She said Mrs. Hill has been taken care of. Taken care of?


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[Assistant] What does that mean? I am almost scared to find out.


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[Assistant] So, yours of the seventh inst at hand.


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[Assistant] In compliance with the instructions received through your secretary, I leave on Friday next to spend the summer at Loch Willow Farm. I hope always to remain Miss Jerusha Abbott.


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[Assistant] All I wanna know is... He went on, in a sort of tired voice. Are we ever going to do it? Okay, not Lily and the presidency.


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[Assistant] I practically choked on the tiny bite of pizza I'd taken and had to swallow about a gallon of Coke before I was able to say, of course, but Michael looked suspicious before the end of this decade. Absolutely. I said with more conviction than I necessarily felt, but you know, what else could I say? Plus my face was as red as the pizza sauce.


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[Assistant] I know because I saw my reflection in the napkin holder. I knew going into this that it wasn't going to be easy Mia, Michael said.


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[Assistant] I mean, aside from the age difference and your being my sister's best friend, there's the whole princess aspect to it.


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[Assistant] The constant hounding by paparazzi can't go anywhere without a bodyguard thing. A lesser man might find all that daunting. I, on the other hand, have always enjoyed a challenge. Besides which, I love you, so it's all worth it to me.


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[Assistant] Has any guy ever said anything so sweet? But then he went on. It's not that I'm trying to rush you into something you aren't ready for, Michael said.


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[Assistant] As matter of factly, as if he were discussing the next move he planned on making in Rebel Strike. How do boys do this, by the way?


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[Assistant] It's just that I know it takes you a while to get used to things.


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[Assistant] So, I want you to start getting used to this.


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[Assistant] You're the girl I want. One day, you will be mine.


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[Assistant] Now my face was redder than the pizza sauce. At least that's what it felt like. Uhm, I said, okay, because what else could I say to that?


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[Assistant] Besides, it wasn't like I was displeased. I want Michael to want me. It's just, you know.


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[Assistant] For him to say it like that was actually kind of, I don't know, hot. So long as that's clear, Michael said. Crystal, I said, after I'd choked for a while.


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[Assistant] He said as far as doing it went, I was off the hook for the time being.


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[Assistant] But he expected periodic reevaluation of our stances on that issue.


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[Assistant] I asked how often he thought we should reevaluate our stances, and he said about once a month.


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[Assistant] And I said, I thought six month evaluations might be better. And then he said two, and I said three. And then he said, deal.


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[Assistant] Then he got up and went to offer Lars another slice and got sucked into a conversation Lars is having with the guy behind the counter about the Yankees chances in the World Series this year.


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[Assistant] Even though to my knowledge, Michael has never watched a baseball game in his life.


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[Assistant] He did, however, design a computer model in which you can input all the statistics concerning a team


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[Assistant] And it will then tell you what their chances are of beating another team to within a two point spread. The fact is, I love him. He's the boy I want. And one day he will be mine. And now he wants to know if I want to go get a gelato.


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[Assistant] Production Copyright 2005 Random House, Inc. All rights reserved.


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[Assistant] I did eat my breakfast upon a cold turkey pie and a goose. And I did send for a cup of tea, a china drink, of which I had never drank before. Don't be nervous, Daddy, I haven't lost my mind. I'm merely quoting Samuel Pepys. We're reading him in connection with English history, original sources.


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[Assistant] I went to Charing Cross to see Major Harrison hanged, drawn and quartered.


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[Assistant] Dined with my lady who is in handsome mourning for her brother who died yesterday of spotted fever. Seems a little early to commence entertaining, doesn't it?


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[Assistant] I don't believe we're so bad today as the newspapers make out.


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[Assistant] The only requirement being that we do not disturb others. We're not supposed to entertain on a large scale.


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[Assistant] The result is a beautiful commentary on human nature. Now that we may stay up as long as we choose, we no longer choose. Our heads begin to nod at 9 o'clock, and by 9.30 the pen drops from our nerveless grasp. It's 9.30 now. Good night. Sunday. Just back from church. Preacher from Georgia.


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[Assistant] We must take care, he says, not to develop our intellects at the expense of our emotional natures. But me thought it was a poor dry sermon. Peeps again.


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter what part of the United States or Canada they come from or what denomination they are.


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[Assistant] It's a beautiful day, frozen and icy and clear.


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[Assistant] And I am going to put on short skirts and walk cross country to Crystal Spring Farm and have a fried chicken and waffle supper.


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[Assistant] And then have Mr. Crystal Spring drive us home in his buckboard. We're supposed to be inside the campus at seven, but we're going to stretch a point tonight and make it eight. Farewell, kind sir. I have the honor of subscribing myself. Your most loyal,


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[Assistant] Thursday night, he announced. If we have any plans for Thursday night, we have to cancel them.


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[Assistant] And that it is very important for my career that tonight goes well. They nodded again.


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[Assistant] Then, there are a number of ground rules which need to be set down before we begin.


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[Assistant] When the fury arrives, you will stand in the hall quietly and prepare to greet him. You do not speak until he speaks to you.


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[Assistant] And then you reply in a clear tone, enunciating each word precisely. Is that understood?


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[Assistant] If the fury ignores you, then you do not say anything either but look directly ahead and show him the respect and courtesy that such a great leader


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[Assistant] You are both to remain in your rooms very quietly.


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[Assistant] There is to be no running around, no sliding down banisters, and here he looked very deliberately at Bruno, and no interrupting us. Is that understood? I don't want either of you causing chaos.


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[Assistant] What would happen is, I would be taken away and treated like a... said father.


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[Assistant] And that's an end to the matter. I don't want to hear another word on the subject!


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[Assistant] It happened in the fall, when Sal and I still walked home from school together every single day.


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[Assistant] One block from West End Avenue to Broadway, one block from Broadway to Amsterdam, past the Laughing Man on our corner, and then half a block to our lobby door.


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[Assistant] That middle block between Broadway and Amsterdam is mostly a huge garage, where the sidewalk is all slanted, and we had to be careful when it was icy or else we'd slip right in front of the pack of boys always hanging out there.


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[Assistant] If we did fall, they'd make a really big deal out of it. Staggering around laughing.


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[Assistant] Sometimes calling us names that made our hearts beat fast the rest of the way home.


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[Assistant] The day Sal got punched. There was no ice on the ground because it was only October.


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[Assistant] I was carrying the big oak tag mysteries of science poster I'd made at school.


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[Assistant] I had drawn big bubble letters for the title, which was, why do we yawn? There are a lot of interesting theories about yawning.


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[Assistant] Some people think it started as a way of showing off the teeth to scare predators away, or as a way to stretch facial muscles, or to signal to the rest of the tribe that it's time to sleep.


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[Assistant] My own theory, which I included on my poster, is that yawning is a semi-polite way of telling someone that they're boring everyone to death. Either that, or it's a slow motion sneeze.


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[Assistant] But no one knows for sure, which is why it's a mystery of science.


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[Assistant] The day Sal got punched, the boys by the garage were hanging out as usual.


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[Assistant] The day before there had been a fight, with one of them slamming another one up against a parked car and hitting him.


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[Assistant] The kid getting hit had both his hands up like he was saying, enough!


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[Assistant] But every time he tried to get off the hood of that car, the other kid pushed him down and hit him again.


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[Assistant] The other boys were all jumping around and yelling and Sal and I had crossed to the other side of the street so that we wouldn't get accidentally slammed by somebody.


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[Assistant] On the day Sal got punched, the boys were being regular. So we stayed on our usual side.


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[Assistant] But just as we started past the garage, someone moved away from the group.


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[Assistant] He took a big step toward me and Sal and blocked our way so that we had to stop.


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[Assistant] I looked up and saw a not too biggish kid in a green army coat.


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[Assistant] He made a fist that came up like a wave and hit Sal right in the stomach. Hard.


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[Assistant] Sal doubled over and gurgled like he was going to throw up. And then the kid whacked him across the face.


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[Assistant] I glanced over at Bell's Market on Amsterdam, but no one was out front. Sal was bent over and frozen.


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[Assistant] The kid just stood there for a few seconds, with his head tilted to one side. It seemed crazy.


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[Assistant] Then he turned away and started strolling toward Broadway like nothing had happened.


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[Assistant] I leaned over to see his face, which looked okay, but had one cheek all red. Walk, I said. We're almost home. Sal's feet started to move.


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[Assistant] It took me a few steps to realize that the boys weren't laughing or whistling or calling us names. They hadn't made a sound.


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[Assistant] I looked back and saw them standing there, staring after the kid in the green army coat who was still walking in the other direction.


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[Assistant] He squeezed the arms of the blue satin Yankees jacket. Louisa got him for his birthday.


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[Assistant] And tears were dropping down his face. And I almost cried, but didn't. It was my job to get him home. And we still had to get by the laughing man.


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[Assistant] He was on our corner, marching around in a circle and doing some salutes. Sal was crying harder and walking in a hunch.


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[Assistant] Some blood had started dripping out of his nose, and he wiped it with the blue and white striped cuff of his jacket. He gagged a lot. It sounded like he really might throw up.


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[Assistant] When he saw us, the laughing man dropped his arms to his sides and stood up straight.


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[Assistant] Smart kid, he said, and took a step toward us. And it was enough to make Sal take off running for home.


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[Assistant] I ran after him, trying to hold onto my poster and get my keys out of my jeans.


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[Assistant] When I had gotten us into the lobby, Sal went straight to his apartment and closed the door on me.


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[Assistant] I knocked for a while, but Louisa wasn't home from work yet and he wouldn't let me in.


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[Assistant] If I'm not wrong, this is the beginning of the story you wanted me to tell. And I didn't know it yet, but it was also the end of my friendship with Sal.


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[Assistant] Chapter 15. Something he shouldn't have done.


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[Assistant] And sometimes Bruno got hungry on the way and found that one bite of the cake would lead to another, and that in turn led to another, and by the time there was only one mouthful left,


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[Assistant] There was the fact that he never smiled, and always looked as if he was trying to find somebody to cut out of his will.


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[Assistant] On the rare occasions when he spoke to Bruno, he addressed him as Little Man, which was just plain nasty, because as Mother pointed out, he just hadn't had his growth spurt yet.


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[Assistant] Not to mention the fact that he was always in the living room with mother and making jokes with her, and mother laughed at his jokes more than she laughed at father's.


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[Assistant] When Bruno was watching the cam from his bedroom window, he saw a dog approach the fence and start barking loudly. And when Lieutenant Kotler heard it, he marched right over to the dog and shot it.


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[Assistant] Then there was all that nonsense that Gretel came out with whenever he was around. And Bruno still hadn't forgotten the evening with Pavel, the waiter who was really a doctor and how angry the young lieutenant had been.


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[Assistant] Also, whenever father was called away to Berlin on an overnight trip,


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[Assistant] He would be there when Bruno was going to bed and be back again in the morning before he even woke up. There were a lot more reasons why Bruno didn't like Lieutenant Kotler, but these were the first things that came into his mind.


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[Assistant] On the afternoon before the birthday party, Bruno was in his room with the door open when he heard Lieutenant Cotler arriving at the house and speaking to someone, although he couldn't hear anyone answering back.


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[Assistant] A few minutes later, as he was coming downstairs, he heard Mother giving instructions about what needed to be done, and Lieutenant Cotler saying,


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[Assistant] Bruno walked towards the living room with a new book father had given him called Treasure Island, intending to sit in there for an hour or two while he read it.


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[Assistant] But as he walked through the hallway, he ran into Lieutenant Kotler, who was just leaving the kitchen.


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[Assistant] Hello, little man, the soldier said, sneering at him as usual. Hello, said Bruno frowning. What are you up to then?


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[Assistant] Bruno stared at him and started thinking of seven more reasons to dislike him.


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[Assistant] There's an island, said Bruno slowly to make sure that the soldier could keep up, and there's treasure on it.


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[Assistant] I could have guessed that, said Cotler, looking at him as if there were things he would do to the boy if he were a son of his and not the son of the Commandant. Tell me something I don't know about it. There's a pirate in it, said Bruno, called Long John Silver, and a boy called Jim Hawkins. An English boy? asked Cotler. Yes, said Bruno. Grunted Cotler.


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[Assistant] Bruno stared at him and wondered how long it would be before he gave back his book.


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[Assistant] He didn't seem particularly interested in it, but when Bruno reached for it, he pulled it away.


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[Assistant] Well, I am, said Bruno, who had been spending more time with Gretel lately, and had developed a liking for sarcasm. I can't speak for you. There'll be a lot of people here, said Lieutenant Cotler, breathing in heavily and looking around, as if this were his house and not Bruno's. We'll be on your best behaviour, won't we?


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[Assistant] Well I'll be, said Bruno, I can't speak for you.


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[Assistant] Bruno narrowed his eyes and wished he were taller, stronger and eight years older.


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[Assistant] It was one thing, he decided, to be told what to do by mother and father. That was perfectly reasonable and to be expected. But it was another thing entirely to be told what to do by someone else. Even by someone with a fancy title like Lieutenant.