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[Assistant] They had just finished touching up the paint and installing a new disc changer in a green Carrera 4 Cabriolet for a Ms. Miranda Priestley jackpot. I ordered a town car to take me to the dealership.


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[Assistant] Where I turned over a note I'd forged with Miranda's signature that instructed them to release the car to me.


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[Assistant] Once again, I made the round of calls. But this time, Miranda's nanny picked up on the second ring.


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[Assistant] Carrot hates me. I had to pick up Miranda's Porsche from the dealership.


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[Assistant] But now she called and wants me to pick up someone named Madeline and drop her off at the apartment. Who the hell is Madeline and where might she be?


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[Assistant] Carol laughed for what felt like 10 minutes before she said, Madeline's their French bulldog puppy and she just got spayed.


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[Assistant] I was supposed to pick her up, but Miranda just called and told me to pick the twins up early from school so they can all head out to the Hamptons. You're joking. I have to pick up a fucking dog with this Porsche? Without crashing it's never going to happen.


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[Assistant] She's at the Eastside Animal Hospital on 52nd between first and second.


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[Assistant] Sorry Andy, I have to get the girls now. But call if there's anything I can do, okay?


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[Assistant] Maneuvering the Green Beast to head uptown sapped my last reserves of concentration. And by the time I reached Second Avenue, the stress sent my body into meltdown.


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[Assistant] Since there is obviously not a parking spot, legal or otherwise, I called the vet's office from outside and asked them to bring Madeleine to me. A woman emerged a few minutes later with a whimpering, sniffling puppy. She told me to drive very, very carefully because the dog was experiencing some discomfort.


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[Assistant] Right lady, I'm driving very, very carefully to save my job and possibly my life. If the dog benefits from this, it's just a bonus.


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[Assistant] I managed to dump the car at the garage and the dog with Miranda's doorman without further incident.


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[Assistant] But my hands were still shaking when I climbed into the chauffeured town car that had been following me all over town.


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[Assistant] With a long sigh as the driver pulled around the block and headed south on Park Avenue.


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[Assistant] A quick stop in the closet turned up a brand new pair of knee-high maroon colored Jimmy Choos that looked great with the leather skirt I grabbed.


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[Assistant] Not bad, I thought, looking in one of the omnipresent full-length mirrors.


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[Assistant] She called from her office. We're out of the car and the puppy.


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[Assistant] I leapt out of my seat and ran as fast as was possible while wearing five inch heels and stood before her desk.


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[Assistant] I left the car with the garage attendant and Madeline with your doorman, Miranda, I said proudly.


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[Assistant] And why would you do something like that? She snarled, looking up from her copy of Women's Wear Daily for the first time since I'd walked in.


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[Assistant] I specifically requested that you bring both of them to the office, since the girls will be here momentarily and we need to leave. Oh well, actually, I thought you said that you wanted them to- Enough! The details of your incompetence interest me very little.


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[Assistant] Go get the car and the puppy and bring them here. I am expecting we'll all be ready to leave in 15 minutes, understood?


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[Assistant] 15 minutes. Was this woman hallucinating? It would take a minute or two to get downstairs and into a town car.


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[Assistant] Another eight to get to her apartment and then somewhere in the vicinity of three hours for me to find the puppy in her eighteen room apartment.


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[Assistant] Extract the bucking stick shift from its parking spot and make my way the twenty blocks to the office. Of course, Miranda. Fifteen minutes.


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[Assistant] I started shaking again the moment I ran out of her office, wondering if my heart could just up and give out at the ripe old age of 23. The first cigarette I lit landed directly on the top of my new Jimmy's, where it smoldered for just long enough to burn a small, neat hole. Great, chalk up my total as an even four grand for today's ruined merchandise. A new personal best. Maybe she'd die before I got back, I thought.


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[Assistant] Maybe, just maybe, she'd keel over from something rare and exotic, and we'd all be released from her wellspring of misery.


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[Assistant] I relished a last drag before stamping out the cigarette and told myself to be rational.


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[Assistant] You don't want her to die, I thought. Because if she does, you lose all hope of killing her yourself, and that would be a shame.


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[Assistant] I knew nothing when I went for my first interview. I had, until this point, spent the past 23 years embodying small-town America.


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[Assistant] Growing up in Avon, Connecticut had meant high school sports.


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[Assistant] Youth group meetings. Drinking parties at nice suburban ranch homes when the parents were away.


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[Assistant] We wore sweatpants to school, jeans for Saturday night, ruffled puffiness for semi-formal dances. And college. Well that was a world of sophistication after high school.


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[Assistant] Whatever intellectual or creative interest I wanted to pursue had some sort of outlet at Brown. High fashion was perhaps the single exception.


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[Assistant] Four years spent muddling around Providence in fleeces and hiking boots learning about the French Impressionists and writing obnoxiously long-winded English papers did not


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[Assistant] In any conceivable way, prepare me for my first post college job. I managed to put it off as long as possible.


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[Assistant] I did Europe by Train for a month and didn't do a very good job of keeping in touch with anyone back home except Alex, my boyfriend of three years, since his Teach for America training had just ended.


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[Assistant] And he had the rest of the summer to kill. He surprised me in Amsterdam.


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[Assistant] I'd covered most of Europe by then, so we pooled our travelers checks and bought two one-way tickets to Bangkok.


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[Assistant] Together we worked our way through much of Southeast Asia, rarely spending more than $10 a day, and talked obsessively about our futures.


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[Assistant] He was so excited to start teaching English at one of the city's underprivileged schools, totally taken with the idea of shaping young minds and mentoring the poorest and the most neglected.


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[Assistant] My goals were not so lofty I was intent on finding a job in magazine publishing.


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[Assistant] Although I knew it was highly unlikely I'd get hired at the New Yorker directly out of school, I was determined to be writing for them before my fifth reunion.


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[Assistant] We weren't in any rush to get back though, and we stupidly extended our visas in Delhi so we could have a few extra weeks touring in the exotic countryside of India.


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[Assistant] Well nothing ends the romance more swiftly than amoebic dysentery.


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[Assistant] I lasted a week in a filthy Indian hostel, begging Alex not to leave me for dead in that hellish place.


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[Assistant] Four days later we landed in Newark and my worried mother tucked me into the backseat of her car and clucked the entire way home.


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[Assistant] In a way, it was a Jewish mother's dream, a real reason to visit doctor after doctor after doctor, making absolutely sure that every miserable parasite had abandoned her little girl.


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[Assistant] It took four weeks for me to feel human again and another two until I began to feel that living at home was unbearable. I called Lily and asked if I could crash on the couch of her tiny Harlem studio. Out of the kindness of her heart, she agreed.


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[Assistant] Emily was gushing about some guy she'd met at a New Year's party in L.A.


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[Assistant] I was chatting with the associate beauty editor, a really sweet guy whose parents didn't yet know, despite the fact that he was a beauty editor at a fashion magazine, that he did in fact sleep with guys.


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[Assistant] Come with me, please? It'll be so fun, I promise. I'll introduce you to some real hotties and you'll see. I have some gorgeous straight friends besides it's Marshall's party. It's got to be great.


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[Assistant] James crooned, leaning against my desk as I checked my email. I would, you know I would, but I've had these plans with my boyfriend tonight since before Christmas. I said, we've been planning on going out to a really nice dinner together for weeks. I cancelled on him last time.


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[Assistant] So see him after. It's not every day you get a chance to meet the single most talented colorist in the civilized world, is it? And there will be loads of celebrities and everyone will look gorgeous, say yes. He squinted his face into exaggerated puppy eyes and I had to laugh. James, I'd really, really like to, but I can't change these plans.


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[Assistant] Well okay, but don't come crying to me when you read in page six tomorrow that I was spotted with J. Lo. And he huffed away, half joking that he was angry, half not, since he seemed to be in a perpetual snit anyway.


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[Assistant] So far, the week after New Year's had been easy. Miranda would be returning from Paris at the end of the week but wouldn't be in the office until Monday. Emily felt confident that I was ready to handle her, and so was I.


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[Assistant] We'd run through everything, and I'd taken nearly an entire legal pad full of notes. I glanced down at it, hoping I'd remember everything. Coffee, Starbucks only, tall latte, two raw sugars, two napkins, one stirrer.


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[Assistant] Breakfast, manja delivery, one soft cheese danish, four slices bacon, two sausage links. And on and on it went, listing her favorite flowers and her most hated flowers.


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[Assistant] Her doctor's names and addresses and home phone numbers, her household help, her snack preferences, her preferred bottle water, every size she wore, and every article of clothing from lingerie to ski boots.


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[Assistant] I made lists of people she wanted to talk to and separate lists of people she never wanted to talk to. I wrote and wrote.


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[Assistant] I felt there was nothing I did not know about Miranda Priestly.


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[Assistant] Except, of course, what exactly made her so important that I filled a legal pad with likes and dislikes.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he's amazing. Emily was sighing, twisting the phone cord round and round her forefinger. It was the most romantic weekend I think I've ever had.


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[Assistant] Ping! You have a new email from Alexander Feynman.


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[Assistant] Hey baby, how's your day? Things are crazy here as usual. Remember I told you that Jeremiah had threatened all the little girls with the box cutter he'd brought from home?


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[Assistant] Well, he brought another one to school today and sliced one of the girl's arms at recess and called her a bitch.


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[Assistant] Not a deep cut at all, but when the teacher on duty asked him where he'd gotten such an idea, he said he saw his mom's boyfriend do it to his mom. He's six years old, Andy, can you believe it?


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[Assistant] Anyway, the principal called an emergency faculty meeting tonight, so I'm afraid I can't make dinner. I'm so sorry. I'll call you later and I promise to make it up to you. Love, Alex.


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[Assistant] I wanted to cry, to call him, to tell him that I was proud of him for caring about these kids, for taking the job in the first place. I hit reply and was just about to write as much when I heard my name.


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[Assistant] Andrea, she's on her way in. Emily announced loudly, obviously struggling to remain calm.


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[Assistant] But I thought she wasn't even coming back to the country until Saturday.


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[Assistant] Well, clearly she changed her mind. Now move, go downstairs and get her papers and lay them out just the way I told you.


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[Assistant] When you're done, wipe down her desk and leave a glass of Pellegrino on the left hand side with ice and a lime. Go, she's already in the car, so she should be here in less than 10 minutes depending on traffic.


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[Assistant] As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming. She's on her way! Tell everyone!


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[Assistant] It took me only three seconds to wind through the hallways and pass through the fashion department, but I already heard panicked cries of


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[Assistant] Emily said she's on her way in and Miranda's coming. Assistants were frantically straightening clothes on the racks that lined the halls, and editors were racing into their offices where I could see one changing from her kitten-heeled shoes to four-inch stilettos while another lined her lips, curled her lashes, and adjusted her bra strap without so much as slowing down.


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[Assistant] Upon witnessing the utter lack of dignity everyone else had demonstrated, I broke into a sprint.


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[Assistant] I nearly flew into the newsstand in the corner of the lobby where a little Kuwaiti man named Ahmed presided over a sleek display of glossy titles.


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[Assistant] Stop right there, he cried as I began pulling newspapers out of their wire racks. You're Miranda's new girl, right? Come here.


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[Assistant] I swiveled to see Ahmed lean down and ferret under the register.


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[Assistant] For you, so you don't make a mess of my display. I keep them aside for you each day, and maybe to make sure I don't run out too, he winks.


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[Assistant] Ahmed, thank you, I can't even tell you how much this helps me. ID card, ID card, where the hell is my goddamn ID card? I reached inside my starched white button down and found the silk lanyard that Emily had fashioned for me out of one of Miranda's white Hermes scarves.


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[Assistant] He swiped my card down the reader on the side of the machine and placed the scarf around my neck like a lei. Run now, run!


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[Assistant] I drove onto the elevators. I remembered to stop in one of the mini kitchens and put some ice in one of the bakra goblets we kept in a special cabinet just for Miranda.


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[Assistant] I suppose there's a time in practically every young boy's life when he's affected by that wonderful disease of puppy love.


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[Assistant] I don't mean the kind a boy has for the pretty little girl that lives down the road, I mean the real kind.


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[Assistant] The kind that has four small feet and a wiggly tail and sharp little teeth that can gnaw on a boy's finger.


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[Assistant] The kind a boy can romp and play with, even eat and sleep with.


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[Assistant] I was ten years old when I first became infected with this terrible disease. I'm sure no boy in the world had it worse than I did.


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[Assistant] It's not easy for a young boy to want a dog and not be able to have one. It starts gnawing on his heart and gets all mixed up in his dreams. It gets worse and worse until finally it becomes almost unbearable.


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[Assistant] If my dog wanting had been that of an ordinary boy, I'm sure my mother and father would have gotten me a puppy.


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[Assistant] And not just any kind of dog, they had to be a special kind and a special breed.


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[Assistant] Well Billy, he said, I heard that old man Hatfield's college is going to have pups, I'm sure I can get one of them for you.


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[Assistant] He may as well have poured cold water on me. Papa, I said, I don't want an old collie dog, I want hounds, coon hounds. And I want two of them.


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[Assistant] I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to help me but couldn't. He said


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[Assistant] Billy, those kind of dogs cost money, and that's something we don't have right now.


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[Assistant] Maybe someday when we can afford it you can have them, but not right now.


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[Assistant] Our home was in a beautiful valley far back in the rugged Ozarks. The country was new and sparsely settled. The land we lived on was Cherokee land, allotted to my mother because of the Cherokee blood that flowed in her veins. It lay in a strip from the foothills of the mountains to the banks of the Illinois River in northeastern Oklahoma. The land was rich, black, and fertile. Papa said it would grow hair on a cross-cut saw.


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[Assistant] He was the first man to stick the cold steel point of a turning plow into the virgin soil.


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[Assistant] Mama had picked the spot for our log house, it nestled at the edge of the foothills in the mouth of a small canyon, and was surrounded by a grove of huge red oaks.


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[Assistant] Behind our house, one could see miles and miles of the mighty Ozarks. In the spring, the aromatic scent of wildflowers, red buds, pawpaws, and dogwoods drifting on the wind currents spread over the valley and around our home.


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[Assistant] Below our fields, twisting and winding, ran the clear blue waters of the Illinois River.


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[Assistant] The banks were cool and shady. The rich bottomland near the river was studded with tall sycamores, birches, and box elders.


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[Assistant] To a ten year old country boy it was the most beautiful place in the whole wide world and I took advantage of it all. I roamed the hills and the river bottoms. I knew every game trail and the thick cane breaks and every animal track that was pressed in the mud along the river banks.


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[Assistant] The ones that fascinated me the most were the baby-like tracks of a river coon.


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[Assistant] I'd lie for hours examining them. Before leaving I'd take a switch and sweep them all away. These I called my trail looks. The next day I'd hurry back and sure enough nine times out of ten there in the clean swept ground I would again find the tracks of a ring-tailed coon.


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[Assistant] I knew he had passed over the trail during the night. I could close my eyes and almost see him, humped up and waddling along, fishing under the banks with his delicate little paws for crawfish, frogs and minnows. I was a hunter from the time I could walk.


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[Assistant] I caught lizards on the rail fences, rats in the corn crib and frogs in the little creek that ran through the fields. I was young Daniel Boone.


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[Assistant] I went back to my father and mother. It was the same old story. Good hounds cost money and they just didn't have it.


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[Assistant] My dog wanting became so bad I began to lose weight and my food didn't taste good anymore. Mama noticed this and she had to talk with Papa.


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[Assistant] You're going to have to do something, she said. I never saw a boy grieve like that. It's not right. Not right at all.


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[Assistant] I know," said Papa, and I feel just as badly as you do, but what can I do? You know we don't have that kind of money. I don't care," said Mama. You've got to do something. I can't stand to see him cry like that. Besides, he's getting to be a problem. I can't get my work done. He follows me around all day long, begging for hounds.


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[Assistant] I offered to get him a dog, said Papa, but he doesn't want just any kind of dog, he wants hounds, and they cost money. Do you know what the Parker boys paid for those two hounds they bought? Seventy-five dollars. If I had that much money I'd buy another mule, I sure do need one. I had overheard this conversation from another room. At first it made me feel pretty good, at least I was getting to be a problem. Then I didn't feel so good.


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[Assistant] I knew my mother and father were poor and didn't have any money. I began to feel sorry for them and myself. After thinking it over, I figured out a way to help. Even though it was a great sacrifice,


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[Assistant] It made me feel like someone was squeezing water out of my heart. Papa set me on his lap and we had a good talk.


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[Assistant] He told me how hard times were and that it looked like a man couldn't get a fair price for anything he raised. Some of the farmers had quit farming and were cutting railroad ties so they could feed their families. If things didn't get better, that's what he'd have to do.


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[Assistant] He said he'd give anything if he could get some good hounds for me, but there didn't seem to be any way he could right then.


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[Assistant] I went off to bed with my heart all torn up in little pieces and cried myself to sleep.


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[Assistant] The next day Papa had to go to the store. Late that evening I saw him coming back. As fast as I could I ran to meet him expecting a sack of candy. Instead, he handed me three small steel traps.


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[Assistant] If Santa Claus himself had come down out of the mountain's reindeer and all, I would not have been more pleased. I jumped up and down and cried a whole bucket full of tears. I hugged him and told him what a wonderful papa he was.


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[Assistant] He showed me how to set them by mashing the spring down with my foot and how to work the trigger. That took them to bed with me that night. The next morning I started trapping around the barn.


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[Assistant] The first thing I caught was Sammy, our house cat. If this didn't cause a commotion, I didn't intend to catch him, I was trying to catch a rat, but somehow he came nosing around and got in my trap. My sister started bawling and yelling for Mama.


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[Assistant] She came running wanting to know what in the world was going on. None of us had to tell her. Sammy told her with his spitting and squalling. He was mad.


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[Assistant] He couldn't understand what that thing was that was biting his foot, and he was making an awful fuss about it. His tail was as big as a wet corn cob, and every hair on his small body was sticking straight up. He spit and heowled and dared anyone to get close to him.


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[Assistant] My sisters yelled their fool heads off all the time saying, Poor Sammy, poor Sammy. Mama shushed them up and told me to go get the fork stick from under the clothesline. I ran and got it.


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[Assistant] Mama was the best helper a boy ever had. She put the forked end over Sammy's neck and pinned him to the ground.


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[Assistant] It was bad enough for the trap to be biting his foot, but to have his neck pinned down that way was too much. He threw a fit. I never heard such a racket in all my life.


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[Assistant] It wasn't long until everything on the place was all spooked up. The chickens started cackling and flew way up on the hillside. Daisy, our milk cow, all but tore the barn lot up and refused to give any milk that night. Sloppy Ann, our hog, started running in circles, squealing and grunting.


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[Assistant] Sammy wiggled and twisted, he yowled and spit, but it didn't do him any good. Mama was good and stout. She held him down, tight to the ground. I ran in and put my foot on the trap spring, mashed it down, and released his foot. With one loud squall he scooted under the barn.


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[Assistant] After it was all over, Mama said, I don't think you'll have any more trouble with that cat. I think he has learned his lesson. How wrong Mama was.


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[Assistant] Sammy was one of those nosy kind of cats. He would lie up in the red oak limbs and watch every move I made.


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[Assistant] I found some slick little trails out in our garden down under some tall hollyhocks. Thinking they were game trails and not knowing they were Sammy's favorite hunting trails, I set my traps.


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[Assistant] Sammy couldn't understand what I was doing out there messing around his hunting territory. He went to investigate.


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[Assistant] Wasn't long until I had him limping with all four feet. Every time Papa saw Sammy lying around in the warm sun with his feet wrapped up in turpentine rags, he would laugh until big tears rolled down his cheeks.


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[Assistant] Mama had another talk with Papa. She said he was gonna have to say something to me, because if I caught that cat one more time, it would drive her out of her mind.


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[Assistant] Papa told me to be a little more careful where I set my traps. Papa, I said, I don't wanna catch Sammy, but he's the craziest cat I ever saw. He sees everything I do and just has to go sniffing around.


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[Assistant] Papa looked over at Sammy. He was lying all sprawled out in the sunshine with all four paws bandaged and sticking straight up. His long tail was swishing this way and that. You see, Papa?


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[Assistant] I said, he's watching me right now, just waiting for me to set my traps.


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[Assistant] Papa walked off toward the barn. I heard him laughing, fit to kill.


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[Assistant] It finally got too tough for Sammy. He left home. Oh, he came in once in a while, all long and lean looking, but he never was the same friendly cat anymore. He was nervous and wouldn't let anyone pet him. He would gobble down his milk and then scoot for the timber.


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[Assistant] In no time at all I cleaned out the rats. Then something bad happened. I caught one of Mama's prize hens.


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[Assistant] I got one of those young man peach tree switchings over that.


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[Assistant] Papa told me to go down in the cane breaks back of our fields and trap.


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[Assistant] This opened up all kinds of new wonders. I caught opossums, skunks, rabbits and squirrels. Papa showed me how to skin my game. In neat little rows I tacked the hides on the smokehouse wall. I'd stand for hours and admire my magnificent trophies. There was only one thing wrong.


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[Assistant] I didn't have a big coon's skin to add to my collection.


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[Assistant] Couldn't trap ol' Mr. Ringtail. He was too smart for me. He'd steal the bait from the traps, spring the triggers, and sometimes even turn them over.


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[Assistant] Once I found a small stick standing upright in one of my traps. I showed it to Papa. He laughed and said the stick must have fallen from a tree.


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[Assistant] It made no difference what Papa said. I was firmly convinced that a smart old coon had deliberately poked that stick in my trap.


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[Assistant] The traps helped my dog wanting considerably, but like a new toy the newness wore off and I was right back where I started from. Only this time it was worse, much worse. I had been exposed to the feel of wildlife.


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[Assistant] I started pestering Mama again. She said, Oh no, not that again. I thought you'd be satisfied with the traps. No, Billy, I don't want to hear any more about hounds. I knew Mama meant what she said. This broke my heart. I decided I'd leave home.


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[Assistant] I sneaked out a quart jar of peaches, some cold cornbread, and a few onions, and started up the hollow back of our house. I had it all figured out. I'd go away off to some big town, get a hundred dogs and bring them all back with me.


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[Assistant] I made it all right until I heard a timber wolf howl. This stopped my home leaving.


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[Assistant] It came again. The deep voice rang loud and clear in the frosty night. Now and then I could hear the hunter whooping to him.


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[Assistant] The hound hunted all night. He quit when the roosters started crowing at daybreak. The hunter and the hound weren't the only ones awake that night. I stayed up and listened to them until the last tones of the hound's voice died away in the daylight hours.


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[Assistant] That morning I was determined to have some hounds. I went again to mama. This time I tried bribery. I told her if she'd get me a hunting dog I'd save the money I earned from my furs and buy her a new dress and a box full of pretty hats. That time I saw tears in her eyes.


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[Assistant] It made me feel all empty inside, and I cried a little too.


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[Assistant] By the time she was through kissing me and talking to me I was sure I didn't need any dogs at all. Couldn't stand to see mama cry. The next night I heard the hound again.


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[Assistant] I tried to cover my head with a pillow to shut out the sound. It was no use. His voice seemed to bore its way through the pillow and ring in my ears.


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[Assistant] I had to get up and again go to the window. I'm sure if that coon hunter had known that he was slowly killing a ten year old boy he would have put a muzzle on his hound.


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[Assistant] Sleep was out of the question, even on nights when I couldn't hear the hound or couldn't sleep. I was afraid if I did he would come, and I would miss hearing him.


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[Assistant] My eyes were red and bloodshot. I had lost weight and was as thin as a bean pole. Mama checked me over. She looked at my tongue and turned back one of my eyelids. If I didn't know better, she said, I'd swear you weren't sleeping well, are you?


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[Assistant] Why, Mama, I said, I go to bed, don't I? What does a boy go to bed for if it isn't to sleep?


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[Assistant] By the little wrinkles that bunched up on her forehead I could tell that mama wasn't satisfied.


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[Assistant] Papa came in during one of these inspections. Mama told him she was worried about my health.


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[Assistant] Oh, he said that is nothing wrong with him. It's just because he's been cooped up all winter. A boy needs sunshine and exercise. He's almost eleven now, and I'm gonna let him help me in the fields this summer. That'll put the muscles back on him. I thought this was wonderful. I'd finally grown up to be a man. I was gonna help Papa with the farm.


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[Assistant] Hire her. Miranda had decreed when she met Annabelle, the twelfth girl I'd interviewed and one of only two that I'd decided were fit to even meet Miranda.


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[Assistant] Annabelle was a native French speaker. She actually spoke so little English I had to have the twins translate for me.


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[Assistant] The graduate of the Sorbonne and the possessor of a long hard body with gorgeous brown hair, she had style.


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[Assistant] She wasn't afraid to wear stilettos on the job and didn't seem to mind Miranda's brusque manner.


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[Assistant] In fact, she was rather aloof herself and never really seemed to make any sort of eye contact. I was thrilled when Miranda wanted her.


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[Assistant] Both because it saved me meeting more nanny wannabes and because it indicated in some teeny tiny way that I was starting to get it. Yet what exactly? I wasn't sure.


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[Assistant] But things were going as smoothly as I could have hoped at this point. The party planning had continued in Miranda's absence and picked up again full force with her return. But there was surprisingly little panic.


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[Assistant] It appeared that everything was in order and that the upcoming Friday was set to go off without a hitch. Chanel had delivered a one of a kind floor length red beaded sheath while she was in Europe and I'd immediately sent it to the cleaners for a once over.


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[Assistant] I'd seen a similar Chanel dress in black in the pages of W a month before. And when I pointed it out to Emily, she nodded somberly. Forty thousand dollars, she'd said.


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[Assistant] Garment Type Evening Gown Service Basic First Time Cleaning Fee Six Hundred and Seventy Dollars


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[Assistant] It was Thursday and Miranda had already left for the day. I was hoping to duck out early to surprise Lily. She just finished her last exam of the year and I wanted to take her out for a celebration.


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[Assistant] Hey ehm, do you think I could leave by 6.30 or 7 today? Miranda said she didn't need the book because there really wasn't anything new. I added quickly.


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[Assistant] To tell me she'd like a copy of the restaurant review she'd read today in the paper.


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[Assistant] It was an Asian fusion restaurant and it was in today's paper. That's all.


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[Assistant] I wrote a quick note to myself to find the restaurant first thing in the morning and bolted for the car.


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[Assistant] Lily picked up just as I was about to get out and go up to the apartment. Hey, what's up? It's me.


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[Assistant] Hi! She's saying happier than I'd heard her in weeks, maybe months.


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[Assistant] I am so done. Nothing until mid-July, do you believe it? She sounded positively gleeful.


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[Assistant] I know, you up for a celebratory dinner? Anywhere you want, it's on runway. Really? Anywhere?


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[Assistant] Anyway, I'm downstairs and I have a car. Come down, we'll go somewhere great.


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[Assistant] She squealed. Fun! Hold on one second, I'll be right down.


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[Assistant] You look great, I said as she bounded into the backseat. What's your secret?


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[Assistant] Freudian boy, of course. I think I'm in love. I didn't make reservations anywhere, but I can call ahead and use Miranda's name anywhere you want. She was rubbing in some Kiehl's lip gloss. Anywhere?


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[Assistant] Maybe hikuma for those mojitos? I suggested. Knowing that the way to sell lily on a restaurant was by advertising its drinks, not its food. If you want wine though, I'd love to try. Andy, can we go to Benihana? I've been craving it forever.


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[Assistant] She looked sheepish. Benihana, like the chain restaurant where they seat you with tourists who have lots of whining children and unemployed Asian actors cook the food right at your table. That Benihana? She was nodding so enthusiastically, I had no choice but to call for the address.


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[Assistant] The Samurai Chef actors did their thing, slicing and dicing and flipping cubes of meat all over the place while Lily laughed and clapped her hands like a little girl at her first circus.


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[Assistant] It appeared to be the only logical explanation for her obvious elation.


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[Assistant] When I asked why I hadn't seen him around the apartment at all, she smiled proudly and said, He hasn't been invited over to the apartment yet. We're taking things slow. We were standing directly outside the restaurant when Christian Collinsworth appeared in front of me.


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[Assistant] Andrea. The lovely Andrea. I have to say I'm rather surprised to discover that you're a fan of Benihana. What would Miranda think?


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[Assistant] He asked teasingly, sliding his arm around my shoulder. I, uh, well...


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[Assistant] The stammering was immediately all-consuming. Thoughts were bouncing off each side of my head, pinging between my ears. Eating at Benihana. Must be able to smell the Benihana on me. Don't kiss him on the cheek. Kiss him on the cheek.


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[Assistant] Well it's not that, uh, that. We were actually just discussing where we would be going next. Lily stated crisply, extending her hand to Christian.


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[Assistant] We must have gotten so caught up that we didn't even realize we'd stopped in the middle of the street. My name's Lily.


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[Assistant] She adored Alex because, really, how could you not? But if there was a speck of a chance of some drama between Christian and me, then Lily would die fanning the fire. Lily, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Christian, a friend of Andrea's. Do you always stop in front of Benny Honda to talk? His smile actually prompted a shooting, sinking feeling in my stomach.


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[Assistant] Lily threw back her own curls with the back of her hand and said, Well of course not Christian. We just had dinner at town and were trying to figure out a good place to get a drink. Any suggestions? Town? It was one of the hottest and most expensive restaurants in the city.


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[Assistant] So you girls are on your way to get a drink? Yep, we were just discussing where to go. Any suggestions? We'd both just love for you to join us. Lily declared, tugging on his arm playfully.


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[Assistant] I'm meeting my agent at Obar. A few girls would like to come along. He just ran back to the office to pick up a few papers. Andy, maybe you'd like to meet him. You never know when you're going to need an agent. So how about it? Lily was peering at me with an encouraging look, one that screamed,


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[Assistant] He's beautiful, Andy. I may not know who the hell he is, but he wants you. So tell him how much you love Obar. I love Obar, I said somewhat convincingly, even though I'd never been. Lily smiled and Christian smiled and together we set off for Obar.


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[Assistant] Looking up the sky, Papa said, that doesn't look good up there, I think we are in for a storm.


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[Assistant] The sky had turned a dark gray. Fast moving clouds were rolling through the heavens. Grandpa said, it looks like we're gonna get some wind too.


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[Assistant] If a storm is brewing, it's a good night to hunt. All game stirs just before a storm. Thirty minutes later, Papa said, Listen. We stood still.


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[Assistant] A low moaning sound could be heard in the tops of the tall sycamores. Grandpa said, I was afraid of that, we're gonna get some wind. We heard a rattling in the leaves and underbrush. It was beginning to sleet. The air turned cold and chilly.


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[Assistant] From far down river we heard the deep banging of a hound on a trail. It was old Dan.


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[Assistant] Seconds later, the rhythmic crying a little and could be heard. Swallowing the lump that had jumped up in my throat, I whooped as loud as I could.


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[Assistant] I don't know, Papa said. It's all strange country to me. My dog's voices sounded far away.


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[Assistant] I knew they were much closer than they sounded as they were downwind from us.


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[Assistant] Finding three large sycamores growing close together, we stopped on the leeward side. Papa shouted above the wind, I don't know if we can take much more of this. It's bad, grandpa replied, and it looks like it's gonna get worse


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[Assistant] You can't see over fifteen feet now, the judge said. Do you think we can find the buggy? I think we can find the buggy alright, Papa Smith.


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[Assistant] They're closer than you think, probably trees. By now you can't hear them for this wind. I begged, let's go a little further.


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[Assistant] There was no reply, and no one made a move to leave the shelter of the trees.


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[Assistant] Taking a few steps, I said, I'll take the lead, just follow me.


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[Assistant] Billy, we couldn't find them, Papa said. You can't see or hear a thing. We had better start back for camp. I think so too, the judge said. At this remark, I cried,


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[Assistant] I have been out in storms like this before all by myself. I've never left my dogs in the woods and I'm not going to now. Even if I have to look for them by myself. No one answered.


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[Assistant] Please go just a little further, I beg. I just know we'll hear them. Still no one spoke or made a move to go on.


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[Assistant] Stepping over to my father, I buried my face in his old mackinac coat. Sobbing, I pleaded with him not to turn back. He patted my head. Billy, he said.


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[Assistant] A man could freeze to death in this storm. And besides, your dogs will give up and come in. That's what has me worried, I cried. They won't come in. They won't, Papa. Little land might, but not old Dan. He'd die before he'd leave a coon in a tree. Papa was undecided. Making up his mind, he stepped away from the tree and said to the others, I'm going on with him. You fellas coming or going back? He turned and followed me. Grandpa and the judge fell in behind him.


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[Assistant] By this time the ground was covered with a thin white layer of sleet. We kept slipping and falling. I could hear grandpa mumbling and grumbling. The wind-driven sleet stung our skin like thousands of pricking needles.


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[Assistant] Strong gusts of wind growled and moaned through the tops of the tall timber.


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[Assistant] Once during a momentary lull of the storm, I thought I heard the baying of a hound. I told my father, I thought I had heard old Dan. From which direction, he asked. From that way, I said, pointing to our left. We started on.


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[Assistant] A few minutes later, Papa stopped. He shouted to my grandfather, Did you hear anything?


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[Assistant] No, grandpa shouted back. I can't hear anything in this storm.


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[Assistant] I thought I did, but I'm not sure, the judge said. Where was it coming from, Papa asked.


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[Assistant] Over that way, the judge said, pointing to our right. That's the way it sounded to me, Papa said. At that moment, all of us heard the deep voice of old Dan. It sounds as if they're close, Grandpa said. Let's split up, said the judge.


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[Assistant] Maybe one of us can find them. No, Papa said. It'd be easy to get lost in this storm.


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[Assistant] I think they're more to the right of us, I said. I do too, Papa said.


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[Assistant] We trudged on. Old Dan, bald again. The sound of his voice seemed to be all around us.


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[Assistant] Papa shouted over the roar of the wind, We can't take much more of this, we'll freeze to death. The men were giving up. I felt the knot again as it crawled up in my throat. Salt water froze on my eyelashes.


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[Assistant] Neeling down I put my ear close to the icy ground in hopes I could hear my dogs, but I couldn't hear anything above the roar of the blizzard.


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[Assistant] Standing up I peered this way and that. All I could see was a white wall of whirling sleet.


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[Assistant] I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer in hope for a miracle. We heard a sharp crack and loud crashing noise.


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[Assistant] A large limb torn from a tree by the strong wind fell to the ground.


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[Assistant] The sharp crack of the limb gave me an idea. Shouting to my father, I said, Shoot the gun! If my dogs are close enough to hear it, maybe little Anne will come to us.


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[Assistant] Papa didn't hesitate, pointing the gun high over his head, he pulled the trigger. The sharp crack rang out into the teeth of the storm. We waited.


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[Assistant] Just when I had given up all hope and had sunk to the lowest depth of despair, out of the white wall of driving sleep, my little dog came to me. I knelt down and gathered her in my arms.


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[Assistant] Taking one of the lead ropes from my pocket, I tied it to her collar.


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[Assistant] Right then I didn't care about coons, gold cups, or anything. All I wanted was my dogs. I don't know how she did it. Straight into the face of the storm she led us.


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[Assistant] Time after time she would stop and turn her head this way and that. I knew she couldn't sense or see anything. Instinct alone was guiding her.


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[Assistant] Over a winding and twisting trail we followed.


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[Assistant] Coming out of the bottom, she led us into a thick cane break. The tall stalk sheltered us from the storm. The roaring of the wind didn't seem as loud.


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[Assistant] Like ghostly figures, large trees loomed out of the almost solid mass. Falling and stumbling, we kept pushing on. Grandpa shouted, hold up a minute, I'm just about all in. We stopped.


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[Assistant] Do you think that hound knows what she's doing? The judge asked. Maybe we just running around in circles. Looking at me, Papa said, I hope she does.


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[Assistant] Some of these cane breaks cover miles, we get lost in here, we'd be in bad shape.


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[Assistant] I think we've gone too far. The last time I heard old Dan, he sounded quite close. That was because the wind carried the sound, I said. The judge spoke up. Fellas, no dog is worth the lives of three men.


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[Assistant] Now let's do the smart thing and get out of here while we can. Our clothes are wet. If we keep on wandering around in this jungle, we'll freeze to death. It doesn't look like this blizzard is ever gonna let up.


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[Assistant] Two large limbs being rubbed together by the strong wind made a grinding creaking sound. The tall slender cane around us rattled and swayed.


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[Assistant] I could feel the silence closing in. I knew the judges' cold logic had had its effect on my father and grandfather. The men had given up. There was no hope left for me.


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[Assistant] Kneeling down, I put my arms around little Anne. I felt the warm heat from her moist tongue caressing my ear. Closing my eyes, I said, Please, Dan, ball one more time, just one more time. I waited for my plea to be answered.


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[Assistant] My father tried to talk above the wind, but his words were lost in the storm.


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[Assistant] Just before another blast, clear as a foghorn on a stormy sea, old Dan's voice rang loud and clear. It seemed louder than the roar of the wind or the skeleton-like rustling of a tall swaying cane. I jumped to my feet, my heart did a complete flip-flop. The knot in my throat felt as big as an apple. I tried to whoop, but it was no use. Little Anne bawled and tugged on the rope.


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[Assistant] There was no mistaking the direction. We knew that little Anne had been right all along, straight as an arrow she had led us to him. Old Anne was treed down in a deep gully.


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[Assistant] I slid off the bank and ran to him. His back was covered with a layer of frozen sleet. His frost covered whiskers stood out straight as porcupine quills.


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[Assistant] I worked the wedges of ice from between his toes and scraped the sleep from his body with my hands.


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[Assistant] Little Anne came over and tried to wash his face. He didn't like it, jerking loose from me. He ran over to the tree, reared up on it, and started bawling.


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[Assistant] Hearing shouting from the bank above me, I looked up. I could dimly see Papa and the judge through the driving sleet. At first I thought they were shouting to me, but on peering closer I could see that they had their backs to me.


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[Assistant] Catching hold of some long stalks of cane that were hanging down from the steep bank, I pulled myself up. Papa shouted in my ear, something has happened to your grandfather. Turning to the judge, he said, he was behind you. Where was the last time you saw him? I don't know for sure, the judge said. I guess it was back there where we heard the hound ball.


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[Assistant] Didn't you hear anything? Papa asked. Hear anything? The judge exclaimed. How could I hear anything in all that noise? I thought he was behind me all the time and didn't miss him until we got here. I couldn't hold back the tears.


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[Assistant] My grandfather was lost and wandering in that white jungle peen. Screaming for him, I started back. Papa caught me. He shouted, don't do that!


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[Assistant] Little Anne came up out of the wash house. She stood and stared at me. Turning, she disappeared quickly in the thick cane. Minutes later we heard her. It was a long mournful cry.


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[Assistant] The only times I had ever heard my little dog ball like that were when she was baying at a bright Ozark moon or when someone played a French harp or a fiddle close to her ear. She didn't stop until we reached her.


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[Assistant] His right foot was wedged in the fork of a broken box elder limb.


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[Assistant] When the ankle had twisted the searing pain must have made him unconscious. Papa worked grandpa's foot free and turned him over. I sat down and placed his head in my lap.


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[Assistant] Burying my face in the iron gray hair, I cried and begged God not to let my grandfather die. I think he's gone, the judge said. I don't think so, Papa said.


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[Assistant] He took a bad fall when that limb tripped him, but he hadn't been lying here long enough to be frozen. I think he's just unconscious.


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[Assistant] I asked Papa if we could get him back to the gully where old Dan was. I had noticed there was very little wind there and we could build a fire. That's the very place, he said. We'll build a good fire and one of us can go for help.


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[Assistant] Papa and the judge made a seat by catching each other's wrists. They eased grandpa between them.


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[Assistant] By the time we reached the washout, grandpa was fully conscious again and was mumbling and grumbling. Couldn't see why they had to carry him like a baby.


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[Assistant] After easing him over the bank and down into the gully, we built a large fire.


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[Assistant] Papa took his knife and cut the boot from Grandpa's foreign foot. Grandpa grunted and groaned from the pain.


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[Assistant] Boy, that's a bad one. It's either broken or badly sprained. I'll go for some help.


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[Assistant] Grandpa said, now wait just a minute, I'm not gonna let you go out in that blizzard by yourself. What if something happens to you? No, no. What time is it, he asked. The judge looked at his watch. It's almost five o'clock, he said.


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[Assistant] Now help me get propped up against this bank. I'll be alright. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's numb now. He's right, the judge said. Think you can stand it? Papa asked. Grandpa roared like a bear.


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[Assistant] While papa and the judge made grandpa comfortable, I carried wood for the fire.


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[Assistant] There's no use standing around gawking at me. Grandpa said, I'm alright. Get the coon out of that tree. That's what we came for, isn't it? Up until then, the coon hunting had practically been forgotten. The tree was about 30 feet from our fire.


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[Assistant] We walked over and took a good look at it for the first time.


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[Assistant] My dog seeing we were finally going to pay some attention to them started bawling and running around the tree. Papa said,


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[Assistant] He stepped back a few steps, scraped his feet on the slick ground for a good footing and said,


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[Assistant] Stand back and hold those hounds. I'm gonna cut it down. We need some wood for our fire anyway. Squatting down between my dogs, I held onto their collars.


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[Assistant] Papa notched the old snag so it would fall away from our fire.


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[Assistant] As the heavy axe chewed its way into the tree, it began to lean and crack. Papa stopped chopping. He said to the judge, come on and help me. I think we can push it over now. After much strunting and pushing, snapping and popping, it fell.


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[Assistant] I turned my dogs loose. On hitting the ground, the snags split and broke up. Guard the light, I stood rooted in my tracks and watched three big coons roll out of the busted old trunk.


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[Assistant] One started up the washout, running between us and the fire. Old Dan caught him and the fight was on.


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[Assistant] The second coon headed down the washout. Little land caught him.


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[Assistant] Hearing a loud yell from grandpa, I looked that way. Old Dan and the coon were fighting close to his feet. He was yelling and beating at them with his hat. The judge and papa ran to help.


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[Assistant] The third coon started climbing up the steep bank close to me.


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[Assistant] Just before reaching the top his claws slipped in the icy mud. Tumbling end over end down he came. I grabbed up a stick and threw it at him. Growling and showing his teeth he started for me.


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[Assistant] I threw the fight to him then and there. Some ten yards away I looked back. He was climbing the bank. That time he made it and disappeared in the thick cane.


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[Assistant] Hearing a squall of pain from little Anne, I turned. The coon was really working her over. He had climbed up on her back and was tearing and slashing. She couldn't shake him off. Grabbing a club from the ground, I ran to help her.


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[Assistant] Before we had killed our coon, Old Dan came tearing in. We stirred and watched the fight.


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[Assistant] I never should have pointed. My dogs turned as one and started bawling and clawing their way up the steep bank. I shouted and scolded, but to no avail. They disappeared in the rattling cane. We stood still listening to their voices. The sound died away in the roaring storm.


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[Assistant] Sitting down close to the fire I buried my face in my arms and cried. I heard the judge say to my father


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[Assistant] He just pointed at that bank and away they went. I never saw anything like it.


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[Assistant] If they were collies or some other breed of dog, it would be different, but they're just red-boned hounds hunting dogs. Papa said, Yes, I know what you mean. I've seen them do things that I couldn't understand.


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[Assistant] I never heard of hounds that ever had any affection for anyone, but these dogs are different.


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[Assistant] Did you know they won't hunt with anyone but him? Not even me?


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[Assistant] Hearing my grandfather call my name, I went over and sat down by his side. Putting his arm around me, he said,


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[Assistant] I said, yes, but what if the coon crosses the river? My dogs will follow him. If they get wet, they could freeze to death. We'll just have to wait and hope for the best, he said.


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[Assistant] Now straighten up and quit that sniffling. Act like a coon hunter. You don't see me bawling and this old foot is painting me something awful. I felt better after my talk with Grandpa. Come on, let's skin these coons, Papa said. I got up to help him.


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[Assistant] After the skins were peeled from the carcasses, I had an idea. Holding one up close to the fire until it was warm, I took it over and wrapped it around Grandpa's foot.


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[Assistant] Chuckling he said, boy, that feels good. He didn't know the skin the same way. I kept it up for the rest of the night.


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[Assistant] Lily croaked while willing her eyes to stay open. She turned to see me trembling in anger in her doorway.


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[Assistant] Alex hulking about doing manly poses and Freak Boy scrambling to get the hell out before things got really ugly. Her gaze stopped on Freak Boy.


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[Assistant] Who the hell are you? She asked him, bolting upright without even realizing that she was naked. Alex and I instinctively turned away, but Freakboy grinned lecherously and ogled her breasts. Baby, you're telling me you don't remember who I am? He asked. You sure knew who I was last night.


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[Assistant] I'm outta here. Call me sometime, Lily. You were great last night.


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[Assistant] Lily pulled on a t-shirt and managed to pull herself out of bed.


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[Assistant] Lily, who the hell was that? He was the biggest jerk I've ever met, not to mention absolutely disgusting.


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[Assistant] She shook her head slowly and appeared to be concentrating very hard. You're right. He is absolutely disgusting. And I have no idea what happened.


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[Assistant] I remember you leaving last night and talking to some really nice guy in a suit.


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[Assistant] Lily, just imagine how drunk you had to be to have sex with someone who looks like that.


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[Assistant] I thought I was pointing out the obvious, but her eyes widened into surprise realization. You think I had sex with him?


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[Assistant] She asked softly, refusing to acknowledge what seemed certain.


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[Assistant] Lil, sweetie, I don't think the problem is the guy. I think it's the drinking that's causing it.


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[Assistant] It's her, he said, and left again. Urgh! The woman had a very special gift for wrecking my life. Sorry, I said to Lily. It usually takes only one second for her to humiliate me, so hold that thought. This is Andrea, I said, bracing for the barrage.


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[Assistant] Andrea, you know I expect you there at 6.30 tonight, do you not?


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[Assistant] She barked into the phone without a greeting or identification of any sort. Oh, uhm, you had said seven o'clock earlier, I still need to-


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[Assistant] Heart racing, climbing into my gown and running a brush through my hair.


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[Assistant] And trying to match some of the names with the pictures of the evening's guests that Emily had helpfully printed out earlier.


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[Assistant] I kissed Alex on the cheek and ran as best as one can in stilts back to the living room, where Lily was holding a gorgeous piece of black silk fabric.


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[Assistant] A wrap for your big night, she's saying, shaking it out like a bedsheet. I want my Andy to look just as sophisticated as all the big-money Carolina Rednecks she'll be serving tonight like a common waitress. My grandmother bought it for me years ago. It's Chanel, so it should do. I hugged her. Just promise, if Miranda kills me for saying the wrong thing,


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[Assistant] That you'll burn this dress and make sure I'm buried in my brown sweatpants. Promise me.


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[Assistant] The car was waiting outside my building. I'd been to the Met once before on a day trip to New York with my mom to see some of the tourist sites.


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[Assistant] I didn't remember any of the actual exhibits we saw that day, but I recalled the never-ending white staircase out front and the feeling that I could climb those stairs forever.


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[Assistant] That night the stairs looked positively regal. It wasn't until I'd made it to about the tenth one of those white beauties that I realized. What cruel, cruel sadist would make a woman in a skin-tight, floor-length gown and spiked heels climb such a hill of hell?


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[Assistant] The guard opened the door for me, bowed slightly and smiled.


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[Assistant] Hi miss, you must be Andrea. Alana said to have a seat right over there, and she'll be out in a minute.


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[Assistant] He turned away and spoke discreetly into a microphone on his sleeve and nodded when he heard a response through his earpiece.


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[Assistant] After nearly 15 minutes, a rather ordinary looking girl in a long navy dress crossed the massive foyer and walked toward me. Her brown hair was clean and straight but lacking in style, and her brown flats were horrifically unfashionable.


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[Assistant] But her blue eyes were bright and kind, and I knew instantly that I would like her.


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[Assistant] You must be Alana, I said. I'm Andrea, I'm Miranda's assistant, and I'm here to help in any way I can.


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[Assistant] She looked so relieved, I instantly wondered what Miranda had said to her. The possibilities were endless, but I imagined it had something to do with Alana's ladies' home journal getup.


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[Assistant] I shuddered to think what wicked things she'd uttered to such a sweet girl and prayed she wouldn't start to cry.


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[Assistant] I stared, shocked, for just a moment before recovering. She is, isn't she? And we both laughed. What do you need me to do? Miranda's going to sense I'm here in about ten seconds so I should look like I'm doing something. Here.


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[Assistant] I'll show you the table, she said, walking down a darkened hallway toward the Egyptian exhibits. It's dynamite.


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[Assistant] We arrived in a smaller gallery, perhaps the size of a tennis court, with a rectangular 24-seat table stretched down the middle. Everything glowed white. Light white, smooth white, bright white, textured white, and rich white.


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[Assistant] Bundles of milky white peonies looked as if they grew from the table itself.


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[Assistant] Deliciously lush, but low enough to allow people to talk over them.


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[Assistant] Bone white china rested on a crisp white linen tablecloth, and high-backed white oak chairs were covered in luscious white suede.


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[Assistant] All atop a plush white carpet, specially laid for the evening. White votive candles in simple white porcelain holders gave off a soft white light highlighting the peonies from underneath and providing subtle unobtrusive illumination around the table.


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[Assistant] The only color in the entire room came from the elaborate multi-hued canvases that hung on the walls surrounding the table.


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[Assistant] Shocking blues and greens and golds from the depictions of early Egyptian life.


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[Assistant] As I turned my head around to take in the wonderful contrast of the color and the white.


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[Assistant] A vibrant red figure caught my eye. In the corner, standing ramrod straight under a looming painting was Miranda, wearing the beaded red Chanel that had been commissioned, cut, fitted, and pre-cleaned just for tonight.


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[Assistant] And although it'd be a stretch to say it had been worth every penny, she did look breathtaking. She wasn't beautiful, her eyes were a bit too beady, and her hair too severe, and her face much too hard. But she was stunning in a way I couldn't make sense of, and I couldn't take my eyes off her.


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[Assistant] Mama made me a cap out of my first coon hide.


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[Assistant] I was as proud of it as Papa would have been if someone had given him a dozen Missouri mules.


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[Assistant] Mama said afterwards that she wished she hadn't made it for me, because in some way wearing that cap must have affected my mind. I went coon crazy. I was out after ring-tails every night. About the only time I didn't go hunting was when the weather was bad, and even then Mama all but had to hog-tie me. What wonderful nights they were.


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[Assistant] Running like a deer through the thick timber of the bottoms, Tearing my way through stands of wild cane, Climbing over drifts and jumping logs, Running, screaming, and yelling, Woo-wee! Get em, boy, get em! Following the voices of my little hounds,


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[Assistant] It wasn't too hard for a smart old coon to fool old Dan, but there were none that prowled the riverbanks that could fool my little Anne.


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[Assistant] As grandpa had predicted, the price of coonskins jumped sky high. A good size hide was worth from four to ten dollars depending on the grade and quality.


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[Assistant] I kept the side of our smokehouse plastered with hides. Of course I would spread them out a little to cover more space. I always stretched them on the side facing the road, never on the backside. I wanted everyone in the country to see them.


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[Assistant] The money earned from my furs was turned over to my father. I didn't care about it. I had what I wanted. My dogs.


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[Assistant] I suppose that Papa was saving it for something because I never saw anything new turn up around our home. But like any young boy, I wasn't bothered by it and I asked no questions. My whole life was wrapped up in my dogs. Everywhere I went, they went along.


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[Assistant] There was only one place I didn't want them to go with me, and that was to Grandpa's store. Other dogs were always there, and it seemed as if they all wanted to jump on old Dan.


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[Assistant] It got so about the only time I went to see my grandfather was when I had a bundle of fur to take to the store. This was always a problem. In every way I could I would try to slip away from my dogs. Sometimes I swore that they could read my mind. It made no difference what I tried, I couldn't fool them.


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[Assistant] One time I was sure I had outsmarted them. The day before I was to make one of my trips, I took my furs out to the barn and hid them.


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[Assistant] The next morning I hung around the house for a while and then nonchalantly whistled my way out to the barn. I climbed up in the loft and peeked through a crack. I could see them lying in front of their doghouse. They weren't even looking my way.


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[Assistant] Taking my furs, I sneaked out through a back door, and walking like a tomcat, I made it to the timber. I climbed a small dogwood tree and looked back. They were still there, and didn't seem to know what I'd done.


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[Assistant] Feeling just about as smart as Sherlock Holmes, I headed for the store. I was walking along, singing my lungs out when they came tearing out of the underbrush, wriggling and twisting, and tickled to death to be with me.


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[Assistant] At first I was mad, but one look at dancing little Anne and all was forgiven. I sat down on my bundle of fur and laughed till I hurt all over. I could scold them a little, but I could no more have whipped one of them than I could have kissed a girl. After all, a boy just doesn't whip his dogs.


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[Assistant] Grandpa always counted my furs carefully and marked something down on a piece of paper. I'd never seen him do this with other hunters and it got the best of my curiosity.


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[Assistant] One day while he was writing I asked him, Why do you do that, Grandpa? He looked at me over his glasses and said, kinda sharp, Never mind, I have my reasons.


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[Assistant] When grandpa talked to me like that, I didn't push things any farther. Besides, it didn't make any difference to me if he marked on every piece of paper in the store.


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[Assistant] I always manage to make my trips on Saturdays, as that was Coon Hunter's day.


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[Assistant] I didn't have to stand around on the outside of the circle anymore and listen to the coon hunters. I'd get right up in the middle and say my piece with the rest of them.


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[Assistant] I didn't have to tell any whoppers, for some of the things my dogs did were almost unbelievable anyhow.


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[Assistant] Oh, I guess I did make things a little bigger than they actually were. But I never did figure a coon hunter told honest-to-goodness lies. He just kind of stretched things a little.


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[Assistant] I could hold those coon hunters spellbound with some of my hunting tales.


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[Assistant] Grandpa would never say anything while I was telling my stories. He just put it around the store with a silly little grin on his face.


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[Assistant] Once in a while, when I got too far off the beaten path, he would come around and cram a bar of soap in my pocket. My face would get all red. I'd cut my story short, fly out the door, and head for home.


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[Assistant] The coon hunters were always kidding me about my dogs. Some of the remarks I heard made me fighting mad. I never saw hounds so small, but I guess they are hounds, at least they look like it.


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[Assistant] I don't believe little Anne is half as smart as he says she is. She's so little, those old coons think she's a rabbit. I'll bet she sneaks right up on them before they realize she's the dog.


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[Assistant] Some of these nights, Big Ol' Coon's gonna carry her off to his den and raise some little coon puppies.


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[Assistant] I always took their kidding with a smile on my face, but it made my blood boil like the water in mama's tea kettle. I had one way of shutting them up.


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[Assistant] Let's all go in the store, I'd say, and see who has the most hides in there.


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[Assistant] It was true that my dogs were small, especially little Anne. She could walk under an ordinary hound. In fact, she was a regular midget. If it had not been for her long years, no one could have told that she was a hound.


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[Assistant] Her actions weren't those of a hunting hound. She was constantly playing. She would play with our chickens and young calves, with a piece of paper or a corn cob. What my little girl lacked in size, she made up in sweetness. She could make friends with a tomcat.


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[Assistant] Old Dan was just the opposite. He strutted around with a belligerent and tough attitude.


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[Assistant] Although he wasn't a tall dog, he was heavy. His body was long and his chest broad and thick.


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[Assistant] His legs were short, big, and solid. The muscles in his body were hard and knotty. When he walked they would twist and jerk under the skin.


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[Assistant] He was a friendly dog. There were no strangers to him. He loved everyone. Yet he was a strange dog.


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[Assistant] He would not hunt with another hound other than little Anne, or another hunter, not even my father.


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[Assistant] The strangest thing about old Anne was that he would not hunt even with me unless little Anne was with him. I found this out the first night I tried it.


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[Assistant] Little Anne had cut the pad of her right foot on a sharp jagged flint rock. It was a nasty cut. I made a little boot of leather and put it on her wounded foot. To keep her from following me, I locked her in the corn crib.


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[Assistant] Two nights later I decided to take old Dan hunting for a while. He followed me down to the river bottoms and disappeared in the thick timber. I waited and waited for him to strike a trail. Nothing happened. After about two hours I called to him.


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[Assistant] He didn't come. I called and called. Disgusted I gave up and went home.


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[Assistant] Coming up through the barn lot, I saw him rolled up in a ball on the ground in front of the corn crib.


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[Assistant] I immediately understood. I walked over and opened the door. He jumped up in the crib, smelled little Anne's foot, twisted around in the shucks and lay down by her side. As he looked at me, I read this message in his friendly gray eyes. You could have done this a long time ago.


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[Assistant] I never did know if little Anne would hunt by herself or not. I'm sure she would have, for she was a smart and understanding dog, but I never tried to find out.


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[Assistant] Little Anne was my sister's pet. They rubbed and scratched and petted her. They would take her down to the creek and give her baths. She loved it all. If Mama wanted a chicken cot, she would call Little Anne.


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[Assistant] She would run the chicken down and hold it with her paws until Mama came. Not one feather would be harmed. Mama tried old Dan once.


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[Assistant] Before she got the chicken, there wasn't much left but the feathers.


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[Assistant] By some strange twist of nature, little Anne was destined to go through life without being a mother. Perhaps it was because she was stunted in growth.


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[Assistant] Or maybe because she was the runt in a large litter. That may have had something to do with it.


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[Assistant] During the first season, November through February, I was given complete freedom from work.


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[Assistant] Many times when I came home, the sun was high in the sky. After each hunt, I always took care of my dogs.


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[Assistant] The flint rocks and sawbriars were hard on their feet with a bottle of peroxide and a can of salve. I would doctor their wounds.


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[Assistant] I never knew what to expect from old Anne. I never saw a coon hound so determined or one that could get into so many predicaments. More than one time it would have been the death of him if it hadn't been for smart little Anne.


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[Assistant] One night, not long after I had entered the bottoms, my dogs struck the trail of an old borkoon. He was a smart old fella and had a sack full of tricks. He crossed the river time after time. Finally, swimming to the middle and staying in the swift current, he swam downstream.


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[Assistant] Knowing he would have to come out somewhere, my dog split up. Old Dan took the right side, little Anne worked the other side. I came out of the bottoms onto a gravel bar and stood and watched them in the moonlight. Little Anne worked down river, and then she came up.


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[Assistant] I saw her when she passed me going up the bank sniffing and searching for the trail.


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[Assistant] She came back to me, I patted her head, scratched her ears and talked to her. She kept staring across the river to where old Dan was searching for the trail.


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[Assistant] She waded in and swam across to help him. I knew that the coon had not come out of the river on her side. If he had, she would have found the trail. I walked up to a riffle, pulled off my shoes and waded across.


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[Assistant] My dogs worked the riverbank up and down. They circled far out into the bottoms. I could hear the loud snuffing of old Dan. He was bewildered and mad. I was getting a thrill from it all, as I had never seen them fooled like this.


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[Assistant] Old Dan gave up on his side, piled into the river, and swam across to the side little Anne had worked. I knew that it was useless for him to do that.


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[Assistant] I was on the point of giving up, calling them to me and going elsewhere to hunt when I heard the ball of little Anne. I couldn't believe what I heard. She wasn't balling on a trail, she was sounding the tree bark. I hurried down the bank.


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[Assistant] There was a loud splash. I saw old Dan swimming back. By this time little Anne was really singing a song. In the bright moonlight I could see old Dan clearly. His powerful front legs were churning the water. Then...


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[Assistant] I saw a sight that makes a hunter's heart swell with pride. Still swimming, old Dan raised his head high out of the water and bawled. He couldn't wait until he reached the bank to tell little Anne he was coming. From far out in the river, he told her.


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[Assistant] Reaching the shallows, he plowed out of the river onto a sandbar, not even taking time to shake the water from his body. Again, he raised his head and bawled and tore out down the bank. In a trot, I followed, whooping to let them know I was coming. Before I reached the tree, old Dan's deep voice was making the timber shake.


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[Assistant] The tree was a large birch standing right on the bank of the river.


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[Assistant] The swift current had eaten away the footing, causing it to lean. The lower branches of the tree dangled in the water.


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[Assistant] I saw how the smart old coon had pulled his trick.


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[Assistant] Coming in toward the bank from midstream, he had caught the dangling limbs and climbed up. Exhausted from the long swim, he stayed there in the birch, thinking he had outsmarted my dogs. I couldn't understand how little Anne had found him.


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[Assistant] Taking my switch, I whopped him a good one, and out he came. He sailed out over the river. With a loud splash, he hit the water and swam for the other side. My dogs jumped off the bank after him. They were no match against his expert swimming. On reaching the other bank, he ran downriver.


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[Assistant] Climbing down out of the tree I picked up my axe and lantern and trotted down to another riffle and waited across. I could tell by the bawling of my dogs they were close to the coon. He would have to climb a tree or be caught on the ground. All at once their voices stopped. I stood still and waited for them to ball treed. Nothing happened.


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[Assistant] Thinking the coon had taken to the river again, I waited to give them time to reach the opposite bank. I waited and waited. I could hear nothing.


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[Assistant] By then I knew he had not crossed over. I thought perhaps they had caught him on the ground. I hurried on.


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[Assistant] The horrible thought came that old Dan had drowned. I knew a big coon was capable of drowning a dog in water by climbing on his head and forcing him under. As fast as I could run, I circled the slew, climbed up over the bluff, and came down to where little Anne was. She was hysterical, running up and down the bank and whining.


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[Assistant] I tied my lantern on a long pole, held it out over the water, and looked for old Dan's body.


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[Assistant] I could see clearly in the clear spring waters, but I couldn't see my dog anywhere.


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[Assistant] I sat down on the bank, buried my face in my hands and cried. I was sure he was gone.


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[Assistant] Several minutes passed, and all that time little Anne had never stopped running here and there along the bank. She kept sniffing and whining.


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[Assistant] I heard when she started digging. I looked around. She was ten feet from the water's edge. I got up and went over to her. She was digging in a small hole about the size of a big apple. It was the air hole for a muskrat den.


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[Assistant] I pulled the land away from the hole, knelt down and put my ear to it. I could hear something, and feel a vibration in the ground.


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[Assistant] It was an eerie sound and seemed to be coming from far away. I listened. Finally I understood what the noise was. It was the voice of old Dan.


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[Assistant] Little Anne had opened the hole up enough with her digging so his voice could be heard faintly. In some way he had gotten into that old muskrat den.


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[Assistant] I knew that down under the bank in the water the entrance to the den could be found. Rolling up my sleeve I tried to find it with my hand. I had no luck, it was too far down.


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[Assistant] There was only one thing to do. Leaving my axe and lantern, I ran for home. Picking up a long handled shovel, I hurried back.


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[Assistant] The sun was high in the sky before I had dug old Dan out. He was a sight to see, nothing but mud from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail.


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[Assistant] I held onto his collar and led him down to the river to wash him off. The water there was much warmer than the cold spring water of the slough.


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[Assistant] After washing him, I turned him loose. Right back to the hole he ran. Little Anne was already digging. I knew the coon was still there. Working together, we dug him out.


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[Assistant] After the coon was killed, I saw what had made him so smart. His right front foot was twisted and shriveled.


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[Assistant] At one time he must have been caught in a trap and had pulled himself free.


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[Assistant] I've often wondered how old Dan got into that old muskrat den. Perhaps there was another entrance I had overlooked. I'll never know.


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[Assistant] One night far back in the mountains in a place called the Cyclone Timber, old Dan really pulled a good one. Many years before my time, a terrible cyclone had ripped its way through the mountains, leaving its scar in the form of fallen timber twisted and snarled. The path of the cyclone was several miles wide and several miles long. It was a wonderful place to hunt as it abounded with game.


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[Assistant] My dogs had struck the trail of a coon about an hour before. They had really been warming him up. I knew it was about time for him to take up a tree, and sure enough, I heard the deep voice of old Dan telling the world he had a coon up a tree. I was trotting along, going to them, when his voice stopped. I could hear little Anne, but not old Dan. I wondered why, and was a little scared, for I just knew something had happened.


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[Assistant] Then I heard his voice. It seemed louder than it had been before. I felt much better.


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[Assistant] When I came up to the tree, I thought little Anne had treed old Anne. She was sitting on her haunches, staring up and bawling the tree bark.


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[Assistant] There, a good fifteen feet from the ground, with his hind legs planted firmly in the center of a big limb, and his front feet against the trunk of the tree, stood old Dan, bawling for all he was worth.


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[Assistant] Above him, some eight or nine feet, was a baby coon.


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[Assistant] I was glad it was a young one, for if it had been an old one, he would have jumped out. Old Dan would have followed, and he surely would have broken all of his legs.


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[Assistant] From where I was standing I could see it was impossible for old Dan to have climbed the tree. It was dead and more of an old snag than a tree, with limbs that were crooked and twisted. The bark had rotted away and fallen off, leaving the trunk bare and slick as glass. It was a good ten feet up to the first limb.


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[Assistant] Walking around to the other side I saw how he had accomplished his feat. There in the bottom was a large hole. The old tree was hollow.


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[Assistant] Stepping back I looked up and could see another hole which had been hidden from me because of old Dan's body. He had simply crawled into the hole at the bottom, climbed up the hollow of the tree, and worked his way out on the limb.


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[Assistant] In some way he had turned around and reared up placing his front feet against the trunk. There he was.


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[Assistant] I didn't know what to do. I couldn't cut the tree down, and I was afraid to climb it for fear I would scare the coon into jumping out. If he did, old Dan would jump too and break his legs. I ran plan after plan around in my mind. None would work.


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[Assistant] I finally came to the conclusion that I had to climb the tree and get a hold of that crazy dog. I blew out my lantern, pulled off my shoes and socks, and started shimmying up the tree. I prayed that the coon wouldn't jump out.


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[Assistant] Inching along, being as quiet as I could, I made it up to old Dan and grabbed his collar. I sat down on the limb and held him tight.


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[Assistant] He would bawl now and then and all but burst my ear drums. I couldn't drop him to the ground and I couldn't climb down with him. I couldn't sit there on that limb and hold him all night. I would be no better off when daylight came.


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[Assistant] Glancing at the hole by my side gave me the solution to my problem. I thought, if he came out of this hole, he can go back in it.


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[Assistant] That was the way I got my dog down from the tree.


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[Assistant] This had its problems, too. In the first place, old Dan didn't want to be put in the hole head first. By scolding, pushing, shoving, and squeezing, I finally got him started on his way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a fool, I sat there on the limb, waiting to see him come out at the bottom, and come out he did. Turning around, bawling as he did, right back in the hole he went. There was nothing I could do but sit and wait.


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[Assistant] I understood why his voice had stopped for a while. He just took time out to climb a tree.


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[Assistant] Putting my ear to the hole, I could hear him coming, grunting and clawing. Up he came.


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[Assistant] I helped him out of the hole, turned him around and crammed him back in.


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[Assistant] That time I wasn't too gentle with my work. I was tired of sitting on the limb, and my bare feet were getting cold.


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[Assistant] Holding on with one hand I worked his legs down with my other and pulled him out.


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[Assistant] I stopped his tree climbing by cramming rocks and chunks into the hole.


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[Assistant] How the coon stayed in the tree, I'll never know, but stay he did.


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[Assistant] With a well-aimed rock I scared him out. Old Dan satisfied his lust to kill. I started for home. I'd had all the hunting I wanted for that night.


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[Assistant] That was when I saw her walking up the pier.


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[Assistant] Or rather, two of them walking. One was tall and blonde. The other an attractive brunette.


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[Assistant] Both a little younger than me, college students most likely. Both wore shorts and halters.


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[Assistant] And the brunette was carrying one of those big knit bags that people sometimes bring to the beach when they plan to stay for hours with the kids.


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[Assistant] I could hear them talking and laughing, sounding carefree and vacation ready as they approached. Hey! I called out when they were close.


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[Assistant] Not very smooth, and I can't say I expected anything in response.


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[Assistant] The blonde proved me right. She took one glimpse at my surfboard and the beer in my hand and ignored me with a roll of her eyes. The brunette, however, surprised me. Hiya, stranger, she answered with a smile. She motioned toward my board. I bet the waves were great today. Her comment caught me off guard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I heard an unexpected kindness in her words.


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[Assistant] She and her friend continued down to the end of the pier and I found myself watching her as she leaned over the railing.


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[Assistant] I debated whether or not I should stroll over and introduce myself, then decided against it. They weren't my type, or more accurately, I probably wasn't theirs.


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[Assistant] I took a long pull on my beer trying to ignore them. Try as I might though.


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[Assistant] I couldn't stop my gaze from drifting back to the brunette.


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[Assistant] I tried not to listen to what the two girls were saying.


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[Assistant] But the blonde had one of those voices impossible to ignore.


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[Assistant] She was talking endlessly about some guy named Brad and how much she loved him and how her sorority was the best at UNC and the party they had at the end of the year was the best ever.


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[Assistant] And that the other should join next year, and that too many of her friends were hooking up with the worst kind of frat guys, and one of them even got pregnant, but it was her own fault since she'd been warned about the guy. The brunette didn't say much.


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[Assistant] I couldn't tell whether she was amused or bored by the conversation, but ever now and then she would laugh.


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[Assistant] And again, I heard something friendly and understanding in her voice, something akin to coming home, which I'll admit made no sense at all.


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[Assistant] As I set aside my bottle of beer, I noticed that she'd placed her bag on the railing.


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[Assistant] They had been standing there for ten minutes or so before two guys started up the pier.


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[Assistant] Frat guys, I guessed, wearing pink and orange lacoste shirts over their knee-length Bermuda shorts.