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[Assistant] We went to the snack bar and ordered their special fish filet sandwich with a wiggly fries. And you know what? We had a great time fishing. Just grandma and me. The End.


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[Assistant] All my life there's been only him. Everything I've done has been for him. For you too, but he's always been there.


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[Assistant] Sir, a letter from the sovereign in Petersburg. I suppose he wants me to attack. Read it to me. Prince Mikhail Ilarionovich.


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[Assistant] An urgent message from General Tull. Oh, what does he want? What's happened? It's the French. What about the French?


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[Assistant] Sir, the entire French army has entered the village.


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[Assistant] I need money. Oh, is that all? I knew I hadn't given you enough of an allowance. How much?


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[Assistant] More Wednesday, French class. I guess I should have my picture on the front of the post more often. Suddenly I am very popular. I walked into the cafeteria.


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[Assistant] I told Lars to keep five paces behind me at all times. He kept stepping on the backs of my combat boots.


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[Assistant] And Lana Weinberger of all people came up to me while I was in the jet line getting my tray and said, Hey Mia, why don't you come and sit with us?


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[Assistant] Tina was right behind me in line. Well, Lars was behind me, Tina was behind Lars, and Tina's bodyguard was behind her. But did Lana invite Tina to join her? Of course not. The New York Post hadn't called Tina a statuesque beauty.


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[Assistant] Short, heavyset girls, even one whose father is an Arab chic, aren't good enough to sit by Lana. Oh no, only purebred, Genovian princesses are good enough to sit by Lana. I nearly threw up all over my lunch tray.


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[Assistant] No thanks Lana, I said I already have someone to sit with. You should have seen Lana's face.


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[Assistant] The last time I saw her look that shocked, a sugar cone had been stuck to her chest.


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[Assistant] Later when we were sitting down, Tina could only nibble at her salad. She hadn't said a word about the princess thing.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile though, everybody in the whole cafeteria, including the geeks who never notice anything, were staring at our table.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you, it was way uncomfortable. I could feel Lily's eyes boring into me. She hadn't said anything to me yet, but I think she had to have known. Nothing much escapes Lily.


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[Assistant] After a while, I couldn't stand it anymore. I put down a fork full of rice and beans and said,


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[Assistant] If you don't want to sit with me anymore, I understand.


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[Assistant] Of course I like you. I thought maybe you might not like me. I mean, everyone is staring at us. I could see why you might not want to sit with me. Tina smiled sadly. Everyone always stares at me, she said, because of Waheem, you see. Waheem is her bodyguard.


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[Assistant] Waheem and Lars were sitting next to us arguing over whose gun had the most firepower.


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[Assistant] You could be sitting with anyone, anyone in this whole cafeteria, and yet, you're stuck with me.


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[Assistant] I don't want you to feel you have to be nice to me just because no one else is.


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[Assistant] I got really mad then, not at Tina, but at everybody else at Albert Einstein.


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[Assistant] I mean, Tina Hakim Baba is really, really nice and no one knows it because no one ever talks to her because she isn't very thin and she's kind of quiet and she's stuck with a stupid bodyguard.


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[Assistant] While people are worrying about things like the fact that a deli is overcharging some people by five cents for ginkgo biloba rings, there are human beings walking around our school in abject misery because no one will even say good morning to them or how was your weekend?


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[Assistant] And then I felt guilty because a week ago I had been one of those people. I had always thought Tina Hakeem Baba was a freak.


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[Assistant] Was that I was afraid they treat me the way they treated Tina Hakim Baba. And now that I know Tina, I know just how wrong I'd been to think badly of her.


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[Assistant] So I told Tina I didn't want to sit with anybody but her.


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[Assistant] I told her I thought we needed to stick together and not just for the obvious reason, Waheem and Lars. I told her we needed to stick together because everyone else at this stupid school is completely nuts.


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[Assistant] Tina looked a lot happier then, and started filling me in on the new book she's reading.


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[Assistant] This one is called Love Only Once, and it's about a girl who falls in love with a boy who has terminal cancer.


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[Assistant] I told Tina it seemed like kind of a bummer thing to read, but she told me she'd already read the end and that the boy's terminal cancer goes away. So I guess that's okay then.


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[Assistant] As we cleared our trays, I saw Lily staring in my direction.


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[Assistant] It wasn't the kind of stare someone who was about to apologize would use, so I wasn't too surprised when later, after I got to GNT, Lily sat there and stared at me some more.


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[Assistant] Boris kept on trying to talk to her, but she obviously wasn't listening.


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[Assistant] Finally, he gave up and picked up his violin and went back into the supply closet where he belongs. Meanwhile, this is how my tutoring session with Lily's brother went. Me.


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[Assistant] When I went to my locker after lunch to get my books for French, Josh was there.


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[Assistant] He was sort of leaning on his closed locker door, looking around. When he saw me coming, he straightened up and went, Hey.


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[Assistant] And then he smiled. A big smile that showed all of his white teeth. His perfectly straight, white teeth.


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[Assistant] I had to look away, those teeth were so perfect and so blindingly white. I said, hey, back.


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[Assistant] I was really embarrassed in all since I had sort of seen him fighting with Lana a few minutes before.


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[Assistant] I figured he was probably waiting for her, and that the two of them would make up and probably French kiss all over the place.


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[Assistant] I really agree with what you said in the cafe just now. You know, about respecting your body and everything. I think that's really, you know, a cool attitude. I could feel my face start to burn. It was sort of like I was on fire.


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[Assistant] I concentrated on not dropping anything as I moved books around in my locker


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[Assistant] It's too bad my hair is so short now. I couldn't duck my head to hide the fact that I was blushing. Huh, I said real intelligently. So, Josh said, are you going to the dance with anyone or not? I dropped my algebra book. It went skittering across the hall. I stooped down to pick it up. Uhm, I said by way of answering his question.


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[Assistant] I was down on my hands and knees picking up old worksheets that had slid out of my algebra book when I saw these knees covered in gray flannel bend. Then Josh's face was right next to mine. Here.


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[Assistant] He said and handed me my favorite pencil, the one with the feathery pom pom on the end. Thanks, I said.


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[Assistant] Then I made the mistake of looking into his two blue eyes. No.


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[Assistant] I said real faintly because that's how his eyes made me feel. Faint. I'm not going to the dance with anyone.


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[Assistant] Then the bell rang. Josh said, well, see you. And then he left. I am still in shock. Josh Richter spoke to me.


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[Assistant] He actually spoke to me twice.


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[Assistant] For the first time in like, a month, I don't care that I'm blanking algebra.


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[Assistant] I don't care that my mom is dating one of my teachers. I don't care that I'm the heir to the throne of Genovia. I don't even care that my best friend and I aren't speaking. I think Josh Victor might like me. Algebra? Can't remember. English? Ask Shamika. World Civ? Ask Lily. Oh, forgot.


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[Assistant] Can't ask Lily, she's not speaking to me. G and T, none. French? Biology?


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[Assistant] God. Just because a boy might like me, I completely lose my head. I disgust myself.


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[Assistant] I was measuring my chest and totally not thinking about the fact that my mom was out with my algebra teacher when my dad called.


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[Assistant] I don't know why, but I lied and told him mom was at her studio, which is so weird because obviously dad knows mom dates, but for some reason I just couldn't tell him about Mr. Giannini.


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[Assistant] This afternoon during my mandatory review session with Mr. Giannini, I was sitting there practicing the foil method, first, outside, inside,


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[Assistant] Nest. First, outside, inside, last, oh my god, when am I ever going to have to actually use the foil method in real life? When? And all of a sudden, Mr. Giannini said,


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[Assistant] I hope you don't feel, well, uncomfortable about my seeing your mother socially.


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[Assistant] Only for some reason, for a second, I thought he said sexually, not socially. And then I could feel my face getting totally hot. I mean, like, burning. And I said,


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[Assistant] And Mr. Giannini said, because if it bothers you, we can talk about it.


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[Assistant] I guess you must have figured out I was lying since my face was so red.


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[Assistant] But all I said was, really, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it bothers me a little, but really, I'm fine with it. I mean, it's just a date, right? Why get upset about one measly date? That was when Mr. Giannini said, well, Mia,


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[Assistant] I don't know if it's going to be one measly date. I really like your mother.


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[Assistant] And then I don't even know how, but all of a sudden I heard myself saying,


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[Assistant] Well you better, because if you do anything to make her cry, I'll kick your butt.


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[Assistant] My face got even redder after that, which I wouldn't have thought possible.


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[Assistant] But I guess I am feeling sort of weird about the whole thing. Maybe Lily's parents were right.


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[Assistant] Mr. Chianini though was totally cool. He smiled in this funny way and said,


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[Assistant] I have no intention of making your mother cry but if I ever do, you have my permission to kick my butt. So that was okay. Sort of.


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[Assistant] Anyway, dad sounded really weird on the phone, but then again he always does.


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[Assistant] Transatlantic phone calls suck because I can hear the ocean swishing around in the background and it makes me all nervous like there are fish listening or something. Plus dad didn't even want to talk to me, he wanted to talk to mom.


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[Assistant] I suppose somebody died and he wants mom to break it to me gently. Maybe it was Glomere. Hmm.


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[Assistant] My breasts have grown exactly none since last summer.


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[Assistant] Mom was totally wrong. I did not have a growth spurt when I turned 14 like she did. I will probably never have a growth spurt, at least not on my chest. I only have growth spurts up, not out. I am now the tallest girl in my class.


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[Assistant] Now, if anybody asks me to the cultural diversity dance next month, huh, yeaah right, I won't be able to wear a strapless dress because there isn't anything on my chest to hold it up.


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[Assistant] Andre Stephen Campbell Moore, Maria Natasha Little.


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[Assistant] Anna Mikhailovna Drubetskoi, Harriet Walter. Boris Drubetskoi, Joel McCormack. And General Kutuzov, by Roger Allen.


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[Assistant] Julia Karagin, Emerald O'Hanrahan. Julia's mother, Hazel Eleby. Platon, Patrick O'Kane.


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[Assistant] Riera Rostoff, Sara Markland, Captain Berg, Sam Collings.


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[Assistant] Madame George, Duska Wurtembaker Mann. Katysh Serena Evans. Novitsky James Joyce. Priest Ian Masters. Countess Stupcin, Nigel Anthony. Lise Bolkonsky, Nellie Harker. Nikolenka Bolkonsky, Tom Glenister. Young Nikolenka, Luca Thomas.


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[Assistant] Pecha Rostoff, Jed Vine and George Hill. Sergei Alec Shields. Marsha Ella Dale. Lisa Kathleen Keeney. Andrusha Sam Blatchford. Mecha Stanley Toyne. Peasant Alan Leith.


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[Assistant] Soldiers, Nigel Hastings, Richard Atley, Tristan Carman and Charlie Carman.


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[Assistant] Friday, October 24th, World Civ. List five basic types of government. Monarchy, aristocracy, dictatorship, oligarchy, democracy.


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[Assistant] List five people who could conceivably be Joe C. Rocks. Michael Moskovitz. I wish. Boris Volkovsky. Please no. Mr. Giannini, in a misguided attempt to cheer me up. My dad. Ditto.


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[Assistant] That weird boy I see sometimes in the cafeteria who gets so upset whenever they serve chili and there's corn in it. Please, please, no. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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[Assistant] Even later on Tuesday. Lily just stopped by. She brought me all of my homework. She says I look wretched and that I sound like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.


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[Assistant] I don't like movies where people's heads spin around or where things come bursting out of their stomachs. I like movies with beauty makeovers and dancing. Anyway.


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[Assistant] A personal record for the both of them. Last time they broke up it was for only three days.


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[Assistant] Lily says when she went by my locker to get my books, Lana was standing there in her cheerleading uniform waiting for Josh, whose locker is next to mine. Then when Josh showed up,


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[Assistant] He laid a big, wet one on Lana that Lily swears was the equivalent to an F5 on the Fujimoto scale of Tornado Suck Zone intensity, making it impossible for Lily to close my locker door again. How well I know that problem.


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[Assistant] Lily resolved the situation pretty quickly, however, by accidentally on purpose stabbing Josh in the spine with the tip of her number two pencil.


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[Assistant] I thought about telling Lily my own big news. You know, about my mom and Mr. G. I mean, she's going to find out about it anyway.


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[Assistant] Maybe it was the infection coursing through my body, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't bear the thought of what Lily might say regarding the potential size of my future brothers or sisters' nostrils.


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[Assistant] Anyway, I have about a ton of homework. Even the father of my unborn sibling, who you would think would feel an iota of sympathy toward me, loaded me down with it.


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[Assistant] Except when he comes over for dinner and helps me with the assignment. He doesn't give me the answers though, so I mostly get 68s, and that's still a date.


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[Assistant] My mom has her humidifier in here going on full blast. Lily says my room is just like Vietnam, and why don't I at least crack the window for God's sake? I never thought of it before, but Lily and Gromare sort of have a lot in common. For instance, Gromare called a little while ago.


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[Assistant] No, you might not be too surprised to learn. It did not.


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[Assistant] She suggested that it was possible that I have consumption, just like Elizabeth Barrett Browning.


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[Assistant] I thought it was probably only bronchitis, and Lily said that's probably what Elizabeth Barrett Browning thought too, before she died. Homework. Algebra. Problems at the end of chapter 10.


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[Assistant] English. In your journal, list your favorite TV show, movie, book, food, etc. World Sim.


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[Assistant] Biology. Endocrine system. Get answers from Kenny. God, what are they trying to do over there anyway? Kill me?


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[Assistant] Fortunately, the limo's windows are tinted, so I don't think anyone from school could have recognized me, but I couldn't help feeling mortified.


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[Assistant] So you can understand why after I got them all checked into the hotel and everything, and Mamaw asked me if I would take Hank to school with me in the morning, I nearly passed out.


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[Assistant] Oh, you don't want to go to school with me, Hank, I said quickly. I mean, you're on vacation. You could go do something really fun.


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[Assistant] I tried to think of something that might seem really fun to Hank. Like, go to the Harley Davidson Cafe. But Hank said, Heck no! I want to go to school with you, Mia!


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[Assistant] I always wanted to see what it was like at a real New York City high school.


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[Assistant] Hank was in for a real big disappointment if he thought he'd see any pierced navels in my school. We wear uniforms, and you aren't even allowed to tie the ends of your shirt into a halter top a la Britney Spears. But...


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[Assistant] I couldn't see a way to get out of having him accompany me for the day.


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[Assistant] Claire was always going on about how princesses have to be gracious. Well, I guess this is my big test. So I said, Okay.


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[Assistant] Then Mamaw surprised me by grabbing me and giving me a hug goodbye. I don't know why I was so surprised.


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[Assistant] This was a very grandmotherly thing to do, of course. But I guess, seeing as how the grandmother I spend the most time with is Glamer, I wasn't expecting it. As she hugged me, Mamaw said, Qua, you aren't anything but skin and bones, are you?


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[Assistant] Yes, thank you, mama. It is true, I am a merrily challenge, but must you shout it out in the lobby of the Soho Grand?


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[Assistant] And when are you gonna stop shooting up so high? I swear, you're almost taller than Hank! Which was, unfortunately, true.


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[Assistant] Then Mama made Papa give me a hug goodbye too. Mama had been very soft when I hugged her. Papa was the exact opposite, very bony.


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[Assistant] It was sort of amazing to me that these two people had managed to turn my strong-willed, independent-minded mother into such a gibbering mess. I mean, Clamare used to lock my dad in the castle dungeon when he was a kid and he wasn't half as resentful toward her as my mom was toward her parents. On the other hand,


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[Assistant] My dad is in deep denial and suffers from classic Oedipal issues. At least according to Lily.


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[Assistant] When I got home, my mom had moved from the closet to her bed.


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[Assistant] He might have had second thoughts about marrying her if he'd gotten a good look at her just then.


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[Assistant] She was sniffling, so I knew the reason she looked bloated and horrible was that she'd been crying.


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[Assistant] Tell my mom was having a hormonal imbalance and wasn't herself.


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[Assistant] Voting for George Bush Sr. as well as his son.


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[Assistant] Hormonal imbalance or not though, the truth is, my mother does not need this kind of stress. This should be a really happy time for her. It says in all the stuff I've read about pregnancy that preparing for the birth of your child should be a time of joy and celebration.


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[Assistant] And it would be, if Clamare hadn't come around and ruined it all by sticking her nose where no one wants it. She has got to be stopped.


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[Assistant] And I'm not just saying that on account of how much I really, really want to go to Rocky Horror on Friday with Michael.


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[Assistant] Don't you love that pink sweater thing Miss M's wearing? She looks so totally Elle Woods in it. If Elle Woods had black hair, I mean. Tea. Yes, it's nice. Are you okay? Are you mad about what Lily did?


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[Assistant] I think you'd make a really good student council prez for what it's worth. Thanks, Tina.


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[Assistant] Actually, I'd sort of forgotten about that. So much other stuff is happening. What other stuff? That thing with the snails? You know about that? It was on the news last night. I guess those people in Monaco are kind of mad.


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[Assistant] They have no right to be mad. It's all their fault. Yeah, the reporter kind of mentioned that. Is that what's bothering you? No. Well, partly. I mean, can you keep a secret? Of course!


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[Assistant] It's just that yesterday in the jet line, Lana told me that college boys expect their girlfriends to do it.


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[Assistant] And that means Michael must be expecting for ME to do it. Only I'm not sure I want to.


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[Assistant] I mean, I guess I want to, but not if it involves taking my clothes off in front of him. But I'm not sure there's any way around that.


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[Assistant] Also, I thought college boys only did it with college girls. But I'm not a college girl, I'm a high school girl.


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[Assistant] But then I talked to my mom about it and she said she did it when she was 15 with this guy named Wendell Jenkins. But then he married this corn princess named April and my mom hasn't even seen him since.


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[Assistant] And what if that happens with me and Michael? Like, what if we do it and then we break up? Because it turns out we want different things and he marries a corn princess. I think that might kill me.


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[Assistant] Although my mom says she hasn't thought about Wendell in years. I don't know. What should I do?


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[Assistant] Just because things didn't work out with Wendell and your mom is no reason to think that you and Michael are also going to break up. What kind of name is Wendell anyway? So you're saying I should do it?


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[Assistant] I don't think Lana really knows what college boys do. She doesn't know any college boys. Or if she does, they're probably frat boys. And Michael isn't even in a frat.


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[Assistant] Besides, Michael really loves you. It's obvious just in the way he looks at you. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Yea, but what about what Lana said?


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[Assistant] I mean, maybe the guys Lana knows would do this.


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[Assistant] Like Josh Richter for instance. Or that Ramon guy. He looks kind of sketchy.


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[Assistant] But not Michael, because he actually cares about you.


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[Assistant] Besides, I really don't think Michael expects you to do it. At least not right now. Really? Really?


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[Assistant] I mean, it would be kind of presumptuous of him. You guys have not even been going out for a year.


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[Assistant] I don't think anyone should do it with a guy unless they've been going out for at least a year. And then they have to do it for the first time on prom night. Because when you do it for the first time, the boy should be wearing a tux. It's only polite.


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[Assistant] Tina, I barely managed to get Michael to take me to the prom once.


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[Assistant] I highly doubt I'm ever going to be able to get him to go again. Hmm.


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[Assistant] Well, coronations count. I'm sure it would be just as romantic to do it for the first time after your coronation.


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[Assistant] I'm not having a coronation until after my dad dies and leaves me the throne. I could be as old as Prince Charles by the time that happens. I do want to do it before I'm ancient, you know. Just not, you know, now. Well, then you just need to tell Michael that. You two really need to have the talk.


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[Assistant] You need to get this all out in the open because communication is the key to success in a romantic relationship. Have you and Boris had it? You know, the talk about doing it? Of course!


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[Assistant] At the Four Seasons over on East 57th Street with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries upon arrival.


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[Assistant] But that sounds like a little more than Boris might be able to afford. I mean, he is still in high school.


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[Assistant] I know! That's why I suggested he start saving his allowance now.


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[Assistant] Also that he better have more than just that one condom he's been carrying around in his wallet for the past two years. Boris has a condom in his wallet? Right now? Oh yes, he's very proactive. That is one of the reasons I love him.


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[Assistant] Would you guys please quit passing notes and pay attention? This is the best teacher we have ever had and you two are totally embarrassing me with your inability to pay attention. Wait, what's this about a condom? Nothing, eyes front. Who are you guys talking about anyway?


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[Assistant] No one, Lily. Never mind. Look, she's passing back our expository writing samples. I suppose you think that's going to distract me. I want to know who you guys are talking about. Who carries around a condom? Pay attention, Lily! Right. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.


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[Assistant] What did you get anyway? An A as usual? Miss, I always get an A in English. Well, I did work really hard on it. Ha! That's not an A! Told you!


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[Assistant] You really should be paying attention in this class if you're serious about this writing thing.


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[Assistant] Sunday, October 26th, 7pm. I was really afraid that when I got home, my mom was going to be disappointed in me.


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[Assistant] Not yell at me. My mom is really not a yelling kind of person.


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[Assistant] But she does get disappointed in me, like when I do something stupid like not call and tell her where I am if I am out late.


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[Assistant] Which, given my social life or lack thereof, hardly ever happens.


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[Assistant] Really hard to leave the Moskovitz's apartment this morning and come home, knowing the potential for disappointment that awaited me there. Of course, it's always hard to leave Lily's.


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[Assistant] Every time I go there, it's like taking a vacation from my real life.


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[Assistant] Lily has such a nice, normal family. Well, as normal as two psychoanalysts whose son has his own webzine and whose daughter has her own cable access television show can be.


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[Assistant] At the Moskovitz's, the biggest problem is always whose turn it is to walk Pavlov, their sheltie, or whether to order Chinese or Thai takeout.


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[Assistant] At my house, the problems always seem to be a little more complicated.


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[Assistant] But of course, when I finally did work up the courage to come home, my mom was totally happy to see me.


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[Assistant] She gave me a big hug and told me not to worry about what had happened at the interview taping. She said Dad had talked to her and that she completely understood.


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[Assistant] Which I know isn't true. It's still my fault, me and my idiot mouth. But it was nice to hear just the same.


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[Assistant] So then, we had a nice fun time sitting around planning her and Mr. G's wedding.


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[Assistant] Since it was going to be at City Hall, that meant I'd probably have to skip school, but that was okay by me.


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[Assistant] She wants me to dress up as the Empire State Building. God knows I am tall enough.


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[Assistant] She was trying to convince Mr. G to dress as Fei Rui when the phone rang and she said it was Lily for me.


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[Assistant] I was surprised since I had just left Lily's, but I figured I must have left my toothbrush there or something. But that wasn't why she was calling. That wasn't why she was calling at all, as I found out when she demanded Tartley


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[Assistant] What's this I hear about you being interviewed on 24-7 this week? I was stunned.


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[Assistant] I actually thought Lily had ESP or something and had been hiding it from me all these years. I said, how did you know?


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[Assistant] Because there are commercials announcing it every five minutes, dorkus. I switched on the TV.


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[Assistant] Lily was right! No matter what station you put it on, there were ads urging viewers to tune in tomorrow night to see Beverly Belle Reve's exclusive interview with America's Royal Princess Mia. Oh my god. My life is so over.


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[Assistant] So, why didn't you tell me you were going to be on TV? Lily wanted to know.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I said, feeling like I was going to throw up all over again. It just happened yesterday, it's no big deal.


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[Assistant] Lily started yelling so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. No big deal!


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[Assistant] The only reason I'm not mad at you is that tomorrow you are going to tell me every single little detail about it. I am? Then I asked a more important question. Why should you be mad at me? I really wanted to know.


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[Assistant] Because you gave me exclusive first rights to interview you. Lily pointed out, for Lily tells it like it is.


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[Assistant] I have no memory of this, but I guess it must be true.


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[Assistant] Calmer, I could see from the ads, had been right about the blue eyeshadow.


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[Assistant] Which was surprising, because she's never been right about much else. Top five things Gramer has been wrong about. One, that my dad would settle down when he met the right woman. Two,


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[Assistant] That fat Louis would suck out my breath and suffocate me as I slept. Three.


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[Assistant] That if I got my ears pierced, they would get infected and I would die of blood poisoning.


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[Assistant] That my figure would fill out by the time I hit my teens.


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[Assistant] Thursday, October 30th, English. Hank didn't come to school with me today. He called first thing this morning and said he wasn't feeling too well. I am not surprised.


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[Assistant] Last night, Mama and Papa called wanting to know where in Manhattan they could go for a New York Strip.


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[Assistant] Since I do not generally frequent restaurants that serve meat,


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[Assistant] I asked Mr. Giannini for a suggestion, and he made a reservation at this semi-famous steak place.


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[Assistant] And then, in spite of my mother's strenuous objections, he insisted on taking Mama and Papa and Hank and me out so he could get to know his future in-laws better.


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[Assistant] This was apparently too much for my mother. She actually got out of bed, put mascara and lipstick and a bra on, and went with us.


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[Assistant] I think it was mostly to guard against Mamaw driving Mr. Geoway with her many references to the number of family cars my mother accidentally rolled over in cornfields while she was learning to drive.


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[Assistant] At the restaurant I am horrified to report, in spite of the increased risk of heart disease and some cancers to which saturated fats and cholesterol have scientifically been linked, my future stepfather,


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[Assistant] My cousin and my maternal grandparents, not to mention Lars, whom I had no idea was so fond of meat, and my mother, who attacked her steak like Rosemary attacked that raw chunk of ground, rounded Rosemary's baby. Which I've never actually seen, but I heard about it.


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[Assistant] This distressed me very much and I wanted to point out to them how unnecessary and unhealthy it is to eat things that were once alive and walking around.


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[Assistant] But remembering my princess training, I merely concentrated on my entree of grilled vegetables and said nothing.


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[Assistant] Still, I am not at all surprised Hank doesn't feel well. All that red meat is probably sitting completely undigested behind those washboard abs even as we speak.


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[Assistant] I'm only assuming Hank has washboard ads, since thankfully I have not actually seen them.


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[Assistant] Interestingly, however, that was the one meal my mother has been able to keep down. This baby is no vegetarian, that's for sure. Anyway.


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[Assistant] If this appointment Hank's absence has generated here at Albert Einstein is palpable.


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[Assistant] Miss Molina saw me in the hall this morning and asked sadly, You don't need another guest pass for your cousin today?


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[Assistant] Hank's absence also apparently means that my special dispensation from the mean looks the cheerleaders have been giving me is revoked.


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[Assistant] This morning Lana reached out, snapped the back of my bra and asked in her snotiest voice, What are you wearing a bra for? You don't need one.


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[Assistant] I long for a place where people treat each other with courtesy and respect. That, unfortunately, is not high school. Maybe in Genovia?


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[Assistant] Or possibly that space station the Russians built, the one that's falling apart above our heads.


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[Assistant] Anyway, the only person who seems happy about Hank's misfortune is Boris Volkovsky. He was waiting for Lily by the front doors to the school when we arrived this morning, and as soon as he saw us, he asked,


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[Assistant] And it would not be exaggerating to say that the look that spread across Boris's uneven features was beatific. It was actually a little bit touching.


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[Assistant] Boris' dog-like devotion to Lily can be annoying, but I know that I really only feel that way about it because I am envious.


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[Assistant] I want a boy I can tell all my deepest secrets to. I want a boy who will French kiss me. I want a boy who will be jealous if I spend too much time with another guy, even a total bow hunk like Hank. But I guess we don't always get what we want, do we?


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[Assistant] It looks like all I'm going to get is a baby brother or sister and a stepfather who knows a lot about the quadratic formula and who is moving in tomorrow with his foosball table. Oh, and the rule of the throne of a country someday. Big deal, I'd rather have a boyfriend.


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[Assistant] Lily says that actually the day was extremely educational, whatever that means.


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[Assistant] I'm not sure how Lily would even know this, since she spent almost the entire game sitting behind Doctor and Mrs. Weinberger, who were in the stands.


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[Assistant] Going up to people who wouldn't have looked twice at me if we passed in the hallway at AEHS and going, Hi, we haven't met. I'm Mia Thermopoulos, Princess of Genovia, and I'm running for Student Council President.


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[Assistant] Who have basically kicked our butts every single year in like the history of AEHS soccer or something. But not today. Because today


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[Assistant] Basically, once Ramon got hold of the ball, it pretty much never left his feet.


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[Assistant] Except when he was kicking it past the trinity goalie into the big netty thing.


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[Assistant] AEHS beat Trinity 4 to nothing. And it turned out I was right about Ramon.


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[Assistant] I don't want to start a rumor or anything, but I saw Mrs. Weinberger sit up a little straighter when that happened.


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[Assistant] And of course Lerna went running out onto the field and fell into Ramon's arms.


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[Assistant] The last time I saw her that day, he was carrying her around on his shoulders as if she were a trophy or something. For all I know, maybe she is.


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[Assistant] Win a game for AEHS, get one cheerleader free. Whatever, Ramon can have her.


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[Assistant] Maybe he'll keep her busy enough to leave me alone. Me and my college boy. Which reminds me, I'm supposed to go over to Michael's dorm room after this.


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[Assistant] At least that's what Michael said we were going to do when we managed to get a hold of each other earlier today.


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[Assistant] He sounded kind of annoyed when I finally remembered to turn my cell phone on and he got through at last. What was going on last night when I called? He wanted to know. Uhm, I said.


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[Assistant] I was kind of in the middle of buying a pretzel from one of those carts in the park when he called.


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[Assistant] A lot of people don't know this, but New York City pretzels, the kind you buy from a vendor on the street, have healing properties. It's true!


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[Assistant] I don't know what's in them, but if you buy one when you have a headache or whatever, as soon as you bite into one, your headache goes away.


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[Assistant] Once I'd swallowed my first bite of hot, salty pretzel. For a sleepover. Only, you know, there wasn't much sleeping.


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[Assistant] And I told him how he jumped on the bed screaming, pull down your pants and all.


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[Assistant] Only, Michael didn't seem to think it was very funny.


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[Assistant] Of course, I didn't mention the part about how later I sang milkshake into the TV remote for everyone while wearing the rubber shower mat as a mini dress. I mean, I don't want him to think I am completely insane. You have a hotel suite all to yourself, was all Michael said, and you invite my sister over.


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[Assistant] And Shamika and Tina and Lingsu, I said, wiping mustard from my chin.


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[Assistant] Which some people might have found kind of, you know, rude.


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[Assistant] Except to me, the fact that Michael was annoyed with me for whatever reason was kind of a relief.


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[Assistant] Because if he was annoyed with me, it probably meant that doing it wasn't foremost on his mind.


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[Assistant] And I really wasn't looking forward to having the doing it conversation.


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[Assistant] Even though I knew Tina was right, and we were going to have to get that out in the open one of these days.


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[Assistant] So, now I'm just having a restorative slice of plain cheese pizza with lily.


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[Assistant] Before I summon up my strength to get into the limo with Lars and head uptown to Michael's dorm. Really, after an evening of partying, it is very difficult to function the next day. I don't know how those Hilton sisters do it.


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[Assistant] Since A, we never did end up doing that mock debate thingy last night, so it's not like I ever had a chance to brush up on my answers for Monday, and B,


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[Assistant] Most of the people I talked to in the stands at the game today just looked at me like I was a mental case and went, I'm voting for Lana, dog. But, whatever.


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[Assistant] Lily spent the entire game sitting with people's parents, so what does she even know?


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[Assistant] I wish I could ask her about this doing it thing though. I mean, Lily's never done it either. At least, I don't think so. She only got to second base with her last boyfriend. Still,


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[Assistant] I'm sure she'd have some valuable insights into the whole thing. But I can't talk to Lily about doing it or not doing it with her brother. I mean growth.


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[Assistant] If any girl wanted to talk to me about doing it with Rocky, I would probably punch her lights out. Although he is, of course, my younger brother and only four months old. Besides, I think I kind of know what Lily would say. Go for it.


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[Assistant] Which is very easy for Lily to say because she is very at ease in her body. She doesn't like I do.


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[Assistant] And in the darkest, emptiest corner of the room she can find.


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[Assistant] She has even, upon occasion, strutted around the locker room completely naked, going, Does anyone have any deodorant I can borrow?


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[Assistant] And the remarks Lana and her friends make concerning Lily's potbelly and cellulite seem not to bother her in the least.


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[Assistant] I'm just not so sure I'm comfortable with him knowing anything about it at all.


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[Assistant] Although I wouldn't mind, of course, seeing his.


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[Assistant] Probably this means I'm inhibited and a prude and sexist and everything bad.


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[Assistant] Probably, I don't deserve to be president of the Albert Einstein Student Council, even for only a couple of days before I resign and let Lily take over.


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[Assistant] Certainly, I don't deserve to be princess of a country that I have managed to get thrown out of the EU. Well, if it comes to that anyway. Really, I don't deserve much of anything. Well, I guess I'll go to Michael's now. Someone please shoot me.


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[Assistant] Zero periods until I make a fool of myself in front of the entire school. Where were you? You missed it. Missed what? What are you talking about, Shamika?


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[Assistant] Wait, did everyone circle around Perrin and chant, pull down your pants?


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[Assistant] Of course not, but Mademoiselle Klein did make us all read our histoires out loud, and we had to say our name first when we did it. You know, like Mon Histoire par Chimica.


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[Assistant] And when we got to Perrin, who said mon histoire par Perrine, Mademoiselle Klein went, you mean Perrin. And Perrin went, no, Perrine. And Mademoiselle Klein went, no, you mean Perrin.


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[Assistant] I mean that Mademoiselle Klein thought he was a he. I mean that she was a he. Well, you know what I mean. What did she do? Mademoiselle Klein, I mean.


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[Assistant] Well, she apologized, of course. What else could she do? Poor parent turned bright red. I felt so sorry for her. That's okay, Shemeika.


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[Assistant] We'll ask him, I mean her, to sit with us at lunch today.


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[Assistant] I saw her sitting by herself all last week over by the guy who hates it when they put corn in the chili. I really think she needs us. Oh, that's such a good idea. You're so good at things like that. Knowing how to make people feel better. It's kind of like... What? Well...


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[Assistant] I was going to say, it's kind of like you're a princess or something, but you are a princess, so of course you're good at that kind of thing. It's kind of like your job. Yeah, it kind of is, isn't it?


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[Assistant] Monday, September 14th, Principal Gupta's office. You know what? I don't even care.


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[Assistant] I don't even care that I'm sitting here in the principal's office.


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[Assistant] I don't care that Lana is sitting here beside me shooting me evil looks.


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[Assistant] I don't care that the lion head badge is hanging off my blazer by a few threads.


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[Assistant] How dare she! It is one thing to pick on me, but it is quite another to pick on someone who is completely defenseless and not to mention new to our school.


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[Assistant] If she thinks I'm going to stand idly by and just let her make fun of someone that way, she is sadly, sadly mistaken. Well, I suppose she realizes that. Seeing as how I'm still holding a chunk of her hair. Although, I guess it's not actually her hair.


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[Assistant] Since it turned out to be a clip-on extension braid she'd added to show her school spirit.


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[Assistant] It's a blue ribbon braided into a lock of fake blonde hair.


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[Assistant] Which would explain why it came out so easily in my hand when I lunged at her intent on ripping out every strand of hair on her stupid head after she told me to mind my own business and ripped off my AEHS lion's sew-on patch. Still, I hope it hurt.


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[Assistant] I'd have inflicted a lot more damage if Lars and Perrin hadn't held me back.


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[Assistant] Perrin may have turned out to be a girl, but she's a surprisingly strong one. She's also very well mannered.


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[Assistant] As Principal Gupta was dragging me to her office, I heard Perrin call, Thank you, Mia!


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[Assistant] And although I may be mistaken in this, I was still in a rage-fueled frenzy. I think a few people even applauded.


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[Assistant] Except of course, it would never occur to Principal Gupta that Lana might have done anything wrong.


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[Assistant] Please! She thinks the reason I lunged at Lana was nerves over the debate. Yeah, that's right, Principal Gupta. It was nerves all right.


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[Assistant] It had nothing to do with the fact that as we were coming out of French,


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[Assistant] Lana walked by and leaned over to Perrin and said, her Maphrodite.


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[Assistant] Or that I, in response, told Lana to shut her stupid mouth. Or that Lana, in retaliation


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[Assistant] Reached out and yanked off my AEHS lion patch.


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[Assistant] The part where I, totally instinctively, yanked off Lana's clip-on braid, was the only part Principal Gupta heard about.


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[Assistant] Principal Gupta says I'm lucky she doesn't suspend me on the spot.


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[Assistant] She says the only reason she's not is because she knows I have a lot of problems at home right now. Hello!


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[Assistant] What is she talking about? The snails? The fact that I'm a baby licker? That my boyfriend wants to do it someday? What?


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[Assistant] She says she thinks it would be better for Lana and me to take out our differences with each other in a more civilized manner than brawling in the second floor hallway.


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[Assistant] She's making us go through with a debate after all.


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[Assistant] Mia, will you please lift your head out of that journal and pay attention to what I'm saying? Geez.


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[Assistant] What does she think I'm writing about? Star Wars fanfic? Lana's laughing, of course.


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[Assistant] I don't think she'd be laughing quite so hard if she found out that I happen to be named after someone who cut off another person's head with an axe.


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[Assistant] Dear Daddy Longlegs, Listen to what I've learned today.


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[Assistant] The area of the convex surface of the frustum of a regular pyramid


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[Assistant] By the altitude of either of its trapezoids.


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[Assistant] You've never heard about my clothes, have you Daddy? Six dresses. All new and beautiful.


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[Assistant] And bought from me, not handed down from somebody bigger.


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[Assistant] Miss Pritchard, who is on the visiting committee, picked them out. Not Mrs. Lippett, thank goodness. I have an evening dress. Pink mull over silk. I'm perfectly beautiful in that. And a blue church dress.


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[Assistant] And a dinner dress of red veiling with oriental trimming. Makes me look like a gypsy. And another of rose-coloured chalice. And a grey street suit. And an everyday dress for classes.


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[Assistant] That wouldn't be an awfully big wardrobe for Julia Rutledge Pendleton, perhaps. But for Jerusha Abbott, oh my.


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[Assistant] I suppose you're thinking now what a frivolous shallow little beast she is and what a waste of money to educate a girl. But daddy, if you'd been dressed in checked ginghams all your life, you'd appreciate how I feel. And when I started to the high school,


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[Assistant] I was perfectly sure to be put down in class next to the girl who first owned my dress.


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[Assistant] And she would whisper and giggle and point it out to the others.


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[Assistant] I have the honour of being your special correspondent from the front, Jay Abbott. P.S. I know I'm not to expect any letters in return and I've been warned not to bother you with questions, but tell me Daddy, just this once, are you awfully old or just a little old? And are you perfectly bald or just a little bald?


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[Assistant] Jimmy McBride has sent me a Princeton banner as big as one end of the room. I'm very grateful to him for remembering me, but I don't know what on earth to do with it. Sally and Julia won't let me hang it up. Our room this year is furnished in red.


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[Assistant] It's a very bewildering matter to get educated in five branches at once. The test of true scholarship, says chemistry professor, is a painstaking passion for detail. Be careful not to keep your eyes glued to detail, says history professor.


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[Assistant] And Columbus discovered America in 1100 or 1066 or whenever it was. That's the mere detail that the professor overlooked.


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[Assistant] It gives a feeling of security and restfulness to the history recitation that is entirely lacking in chemistry.


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[Assistant] I must go to the laboratory and look into a little matter of acids and salts and alkalis.


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[Assistant] I burned a hole as big as a plate in the front of my chemistry apron with hydrochloric acid. If the theory worked.


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[Assistant] Except for the sixth line, which had too many feet. I will send you a copy in case you care to read it.


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[Assistant] Also, I've learned how to slide down a rope from the roof of the gymnasium.


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[Assistant] It was about the necessity of overlooking mistakes in others and not discouraging people by harsh judgements. I wish you might have heard it.


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[Assistant] This is the sunniest, most blinding winter afternoon with icicles dripping from the fir trees and all the world bending under a weight of snow. Except me. And I'm bending under a weight of sorrow. Now for the news. Courage, Judy. You must tell.


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[Assistant] I'm tutoring in them and will take another examination next month. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. But otherwise...


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[Assistant] And the first volume of Gibbon's Roman Empire. And half of Benvenuto Cellini's life. Wasn't he entertaining?


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[Assistant] Will you forgive me this once if I promise never to flunk again? Yours in sackcloth, Judy.


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[Assistant] Drawings. News of the month. Judy learns to skate. And to vault a bar. Legs are very difficult. Also to slide down a rope.


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[Assistant] She receives two flunk notes and sheds many tears, but promises to study hard.


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[Assistant] You must have your secretary transmit them in less than two weeks. As you observe, I am here and have been for five days.


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[Assistant] And so is the weather, and so are the McBrides, and so is the whole world. I'm very happy. There's Jimmy calling for me to come canoeing. Goodbye. Sorry to have disobeyed.


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[Assistant] But why are you so persistent about not wanting me to play a little? When I worked all summer, I deserved two weeks. You are awfully dog in the manger-ish. However,


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[Assistant] I love you still, Daddy, in spite of all your faults. Judy.


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[Assistant] Mom has swiped a big paper calendar from work and scotch taped the month of April to the kitchen wall.


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[Assistant] She used a fat green marker, also swiped from work, to draw a pyramid on April 27th with dollar signs and exclamation points all around it.


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[Assistant] She went out and bought a fancy egg timer that can accurately measure a half minute.


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[Assistant] They don't have fancy egg timers in the supply closet at her office.


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[Assistant] April 27 is also Richard's birthday. Mom wonders if that's a good omen. Richard is mom's boyfriend.


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[Assistant] He and I are going to help mom practice every single night, which is why I'm sitting at my desk instead of watching after-school TV.


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[Assistant] Which is the birthright of every latchkey child?


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[Assistant] Latchkey Child is a name for a kid with keys who hangs out alone after school until a grown-up gets home to make dinner. Mom hates that expression.


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[Assistant] She says it reminds her of dungeons. It must have been invented by someone strict and awful with an unlimited childcare budget.


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[Assistant] Probably someone German, she says, glaring at Richard, who is German but not strict or awful. It's possible.


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[Assistant] In Germany, Richard says, I would be one of the Schluschelkinder, which means key children. You're lucky, he tells me. Keys are power. Some of us have to come knocking.


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[Assistant] It's true that he doesn't have a key. Well, he has a key to his apartment, but not to ours. Richard looks the way I picture guys on sailboats.


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[Assistant] Tall, blonde, and very tucked in. Even on weekends.


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[Assistant] Or maybe I picture guys on sailboats that way because Richard loves to sail. His legs are very long.


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[Assistant] And they don't really fit under our kitchen table, so he has to sit kind of sideways, with his knees pointing out toward the hall.


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[Assistant] He looks especially big next to Mom, who's short and so tiny she has to buy her belts in the kids' department and make an extra hole in her watch band so it won't fall off her arm.


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[Assistant] Mom calls Richard Mr. Perfect because of how he looks and how he knows everything.


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[Assistant] And everytime she calls him Mr. Perfect, Richard taps his right knee.


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[Assistant] He does that because his right leg is shorter than his left one.


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[Assistant] All his right foot shoes have two inch platforms nailed to the bottom so that his legs match. And bare feet, he limps a little.


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[Assistant] You should be grateful for that leg, Mom tells him. It's the only reason we let you come around.


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[Assistant] Richard has been coming around for almost two years now.


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[Assistant] We have exactly 21 days to get mom ready for the game show.


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[Assistant] So instead of watching television, I'm copying words for her practice session tonight.


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[Assistant] I write each word on one of the white index cards moms swipe from work.


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[Assistant] When I have seven words, I bind the cards together with a rubber band she also swiped from work.


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[Assistant] I hear mom's key in the door and flip over my word pile so she can't peek. Miranda?


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[Assistant] The truth is, I've just eaten an entire bag of cheese doodles. After-school junk food is another fundamental right of the latchkey child. I'm sure this is true in Germany too. You sure you're not hungry? Want me to cut up an apple for you?


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[Assistant] No. Get out of here. I'm doing the words for later.


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[Assistant] She lobs something toward me, and I grab what turns out to be a bundle of brand new markers in rainbow colors, held together with a fat rubber band. She clomps back toward the kitchen.


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[Assistant] Richard and I figured out a while ago that the more stuff mom swipes from the office supply closet, the more she's hating work.


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[Assistant] I look at the markers for a second and then get back to my word piles. Mom has to win this money.


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[Assistant] Chapter 4 What they saw through the window.


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[Assistant] To begin with, they weren't children at all. Not all of them at least. There were small boys and big boys, fathers and grandfathers. Perhaps a few uncles too.


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[Assistant] And some of those people who live on their own on everybody's road, but don't seem to have any relatives at all. They were... everyone.


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[Assistant] Asked Gretel as open mouthed as her brother often was these days. What sort of place is this?


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[Assistant] I'm not sure, said Bruno, sticking as close to the truth as possible. But it's not as nice as home, I do know that much.


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[Assistant] She didn't want to go on staring, but it was very difficult to turn her eyes away.


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[Assistant] So far, all she had seen was the forest facing her own window which looked a little dark, but a good place for picnics, if there was any sort of clearing further along it. But from this side of the house the view was very different. It started off nicely enough.


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[Assistant] There was a garden, directly beneath Bruno's window, quite a large one, too, and full of flowers, which grew in neat, orderly sections in soil that looked as if it was tended very carefully by someone who knew that growing flowers in a place like this was something good that they could do, like putting a tiny candle of light in the corner of a huge castle on a misty moor on a dark winter's night. Past the flowers there was a very pleasant pavement with a wooden bench on it, where Gretel could imagine sitting in the sunshine and reading a book.


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[Assistant] There was a plaque attached to the top of the bench, but she couldn't read the inscription


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[Assistant] The seat was turned to face the house, which usually would be a strange thing to do but on this occasion she could understand why.


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[Assistant] About 20 feet further along from the garden and the flowers and the bench with the plaque on it. Everything changed.


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[Assistant] Extending further along in either direction, further than she could possibly see.


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[Assistant] The fence was very high. Higher even than the house they were standing in.


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[Assistant] There wasn't any grass after the fence. In fact, there was no greenery anywhere to be seen


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[Assistant] Instead the ground was made of a sand-like substance, and as far as she could make out there was nothing but low huts and large square buildings dotted around, and one or two smokestacks in the distance. She opened her mouth to say something, but when she did


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[Assistant] She realised that she couldn't find any words to express her surprise, and so she did the only sensible thing she could think of, and closed it again.


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[Assistant] It is a nasty looking place, isn't it, Agree Bruno? I think those huts have only one floor, too. Look how low they are!


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[Assistant] So she squeezed her lips together and narrowed her eyes and forced her brain to understand what she was looking at. Finally, she could think of only one explanation.


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[Assistant] Yes, said Bruno, nodding his head, trying to keep up.


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[Assistant] But we learned in geography class that in the countryside where all the farmers are and the animals and they grow all the food, there are huge areas like this where people live and work and send all the food to feed us. She looked out of the window again.


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[Assistant] That might be so, said Bruno, who knew that he was younger but didn't agree that that made him less likely to be right. But if this is the countryside like you say it is, then where are all the animals you're talking about? Gretel opened her mouth to answer him.


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[Assistant] There should be cows and pigs and sheep and horses, said Bruno, if it was a farm, I mean, not to mention chickens and ducks.


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[Assistant] And if they grew food here, like you suggested, continued Bruno, enjoying himself enormously, then I think the ground would have to look a lot better than that, don't you? I don't think you could grow anything in all that dirt.


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[Assistant] And for a moment wished that Gretel would sit down beside him and put her arm around him and tell him that it was all going to be alright.


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[Assistant] And that sooner or later they'd get to like it here, and they'd never want to go back to Berlin.


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[Assistant] Almost as if she wasn't asking Bruno, but looking for an answer from someone else.


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[Assistant] And for the first time they stood there together shoulder to shoulder and stared at what was happening not fifty feet away from their new home.


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[Assistant] Everywhere they looked, they could see people, tall, short, old, young, all moving around.


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[Assistant] Some stood perfectly still in groups, their hands by their sides, trying to keep their heads up


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[Assistant] As a soldier marched in front of them, his mouth opening and closing quickly as if he were shouting something at them.


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[Assistant] A few stood near the huts in quiet groups, staring at the ground as if it was the sort of game where they didn't want to be spotted.


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[Assistant] Others were on crutches, and many had bandages around their heads.


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[Assistant] Some carried spades and were being led by groups of soldiers to a place where they could no longer be seen.


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[Assistant] Bruno and Gretel could see hundreds of people, but there were so many huts before them, and the camp spread out so much further than they could possibly see, that it looked as though there must be thousands out there.


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[Assistant] And all living so close to us, said Gretel Frowning. In Berlin, on our nice quiet street, we only had six houses, and now there are so many.


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[Assistant] Why would father take a new job here in such a nasty place and with so many neighbors? It doesn't make any sense.


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[Assistant] And Gretel followed the direction of the finger he was pointing and saw, emerging from a hut in the distance,


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[Assistant] It must be some sort of rehearsal suggested Gretel, ignoring the fact that some of the children, even some of the older ones, even the ones as grown up as her looked as if they were crying.


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[Assistant] Not the type of children I want to play with, said Gretel in a determined voice. They look filthy.


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[Assistant] Hilda and Isabelle and Louise have a bath every morning, and so do I! Those children look like they've never had a bath in their lives! It does look very dirty over there, Sir Bruno.


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[Assistant] But maybe they don't have any baths. Don't be stupid, said Gretel, despite the fact that she'd been told time and time again that she was not to call her brother stupid. What kind of people don't have baths? I don't know, said Bruna. People who don't have any hot water?


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[Assistant] Gretel watched for another few moments before shivering and turning away.


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[Assistant] I'm going back to my room to arrange my dolls, she said. The view is decidedly nicer from there.


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[Assistant] And one final thought came into her brother's head as he watched the hundreds of people in the distance going about their business. And that was the fact that all of them.


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[Assistant] The small boys, the big boys, the fathers, the grandfathers, the uncles.


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[Assistant] The people who lived on their own on everybody's road but didn't seem to have any relatives at all were wearing the same clothes as each other. A pair of grey striped pyjamas with a grey striped cap on their heads.


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[Assistant] How extraordinary, he muttered, before turning away.


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[Assistant] As week followed week it started to become clear to Bruno that he would not be going home to Berlin in the foreseeable future.


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[Assistant] He began to get used to being at outwith and stopped feeling quite so unhappy about his new life.


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[Assistant] After all, it wasn't as if he had nobody to talk to anymore.


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[Assistant] Every afternoon when classes were finished, Bruno took the long walk along the fence and sat and talked with his new friend, Schmuel, until it was time to come home, and that had started to make up for all the times he had missed Berlin. One afternoon.


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[Assistant] You're not eating again, surely? asked Maria with a smile. You had lunch, didn't you? And you're still hungry? A little, said Bruno. I'm going for a walk and thought I might get peckish on the way.


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[Assistant] Maria shrugged her shoulders and went over to the cooker where she put a pan of water on to boil.


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[Assistant] Laid out on the surface beside it was a pile of potatoes and carrots ready for peeling when Pavel arrived later in the afternoon.


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[Assistant] What is it you want to know? It's about Pavel, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] You know him, don't you? The man who comes and peels the vegetables and then waits on a sit table. Oh yes.


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[Assistant] Said Maria with a smile. She sounded relieved that his question wasn't going to be about anything more serious. I know, Pavel. We've spoken on many occasions. Why do you ask about him?


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[Assistant] Wow, said Bruno, choosing his words quite carefully in case he said something he shouldn't.


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[Assistant] Pavel was the only grown-up around, and he brought me in here and cleaned it and washed it and put the green ointment on it, which stung, but I suppose it made it better, and then he put a bandage on it. That's what anyone would do if someone's hurt, said Maria. I know, he continued, only he told me then that he wasn't really a waiter at all.


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[Assistant] Maria's face froze a little, and she didn't say anything for a moment.


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[Assistant] Instead she looked away and licked her lips a little before nodding her head. I see, she said. And what did he say he was really?


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[Assistant] He said he was a doctor, said Bruno, which didn't seem right at all. He's not a doctor, is he? No, said Maria, shaking her head. No, he's not a doctor. He's a waiter.


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[Assistant] If I tell you what Pavel told me about his life, she said, you mustn't tell anyone. Do you understand? We would all get in terrible trouble.


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[Assistant] I won't tell anyone, said Bruno, who loved to hear secrets, and almost never spread them around, except when it was totally necessary, of course, and there was nothing he could do about it. All right, said Maria, this is as much as I know.


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[Assistant] Bruno was late arriving at the place in the fence where he met Schmuel every day, but as usual his new friend was sitting cross-legged on the ground waiting for him.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry I'm late, he said, handing some of the bread and cheese through the wire, the bits that he hadn't already eaten on the way when he'd grown a little peckish after all. I was talking to Maria.


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[Assistant] Who's Maria, our schmool, not looking up as he gobbled down the food hungrily? She's our maid, explained Bruno. She's very nice, although father says she's overpaid.


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[Assistant] Yes, do you know him? He's very old and has a white jacket that he wears when he's serving dinner. You've probably seen him. No, said Schmool, shaking his head. I don't know him.


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[Assistant] But you must, said Bruno irritably, as if Schmuel were being deliberately difficult.


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[Assistant] He's not as tall as someone else, and he has grey hair and stoops over a little. I don't think you realize just how many people live on this side of the fence, said Shmuel. There are thousands of us. But this one's name is Pavel, insisted Bruno.


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[Assistant] When I fell off my swing, he cleaned out the cut so it didn't get infected and put a bandage on my leg. Anyway, the reason I wanted to tell you about him is because he's from Poland too, like you. Most of us here are from Poland, said Shmuel.


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[Assistant] The soldiers don't normally like people getting better, said Shmuel, swallowing the last piece of bread. It usually works the other way around.


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[Assistant] Bruno nodded, even though he didn't quite know what schmool meant and gazed up into the sky.


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[Assistant] After a few moments he looked through the wire and asked another question that had been preying on his mind. You know what you want to be when you grow up? He asked. Yes, said Shmuel. I want to work in a zoo. A zoo? asked Bruno. I like animals, said Shmuel quietly. I'm going to be a soldier, said Bruno in a determined voice. Like father. I wouldn't like to be a soldier, said Shmuel.


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[Assistant] I don't mean one like Lieutenant Cotler, said Bruno quickly, not one who strides around as if he owns the place and laughs with your sister and whispers with your mother.


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[Assistant] Well, father for one, said Bruno. That's why he has such an impressive uniform, and why everyone calls him commandant and does whatever he says. The fury has big things in mind for him because he's such a good soldier. There aren't any good soldiers, repeated schmool.


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[Assistant] Except father, repeated Bruno, who was hoping that Schmuel wouldn't say that again because he didn't want to have to argue with him. After all, he was the only friend he had here at Outwith.


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[Assistant] Both boys stayed very quiet for a few minutes, neither one wanting to say anything he might regret.


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[Assistant] You don't know what it's like here, said Schmuel eventually in a low voice, his words barely carrying across to Bruno.


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[Assistant] You don't have any sisters, do you? asked Bruno quickly, pretending he hadn't heard that, because then he wouldn't have to answer. No, said Schmuel, shaking his head. You're lucky, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] He scares me too a little, admitted Bruno. He's a bully. And he smells funny. It's all that cologne he puts on.


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[Assistant] And then Shmuel started to shiver slightly and Bruno looked around as if he could see rather than feel whether it was cold or not.


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[Assistant] What's the matter? He asked. It's not that cold, is it? You should have brought a jumper, you know. The evenings are getting chillier.


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[Assistant] Bruno was disappointed to find that Lieutenant Kotler was joining him, Mother, Father and Gretel, for dinner. Pavel was wearing his white jacket as usual and served them as they ate.


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[Assistant] Bruno watched Pavel as he went around the table and found that he felt sad whenever he looked at him.


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[Assistant] He wondered whether the white jacket he wore as a waiter was the same as the white jacket he had worn before as a doctor.


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[Assistant] As he brought the plates in, and set them down in front of each of them, and while they ate their food and talked.


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[Assistant] He stepped back towards the wall and held himself perfectly still, neither looking ahead nor not.


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[Assistant] Whenever anyone needed anything, Pavel would bring it immediately.


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[Assistant] But the more Bruno watched him, the more he was sure that catastrophe was going to strike.


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[Assistant] He seemed to grow smaller and smaller each week if such a thing were possible, and the colour that should have been in his cheeks had drained almost entirely away. His eyes appeared heavy with tears, and Bruno thought that one good blink might bring on a torrent.


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[Assistant] Bruno couldn't help but notice that his hands were shaking slightly under the weight of them. And when he stepped back to his usual position he seemed to sway on his feet and had to press a hand against the wall to steady himself.


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[Assistant] Mother had to ask twice for her extra helping of soup before he heard her.


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[Assistant] And he let the bottle of wine empty without having opened another one in time to fill father's glass.


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[Assistant] Hair list won't let us read poetry or plays, complained Bruno during the main course.


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[Assistant] I asked him if we could read them just one day a week, but he said no, not while he was in charge of our education.


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[Assistant] I'm sure he has his reasons, said father, attacking a leg of lime.


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[Assistant] All he wants us to do is study history and geography, said Bruno. And I'm starting to hate history and geography.


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[Assistant] Don't say hate, Bruno, please, said Mother.


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[Assistant] Why do you hate history? asked father laying down his fork for a moment and looking across the table at his son who shrugged his shoulders, a bad habit of his. Because it's boring! he said. Boring? said father.


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[Assistant] Let me tell you this, Bruno. He went on leaning forward and pointing his knife at the boy.


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[Assistant] It's history that's got us here today. If it wasn't for history, none of us would be sitting around this table now. We'd be safely back at our table in our house in Berlin. We are correcting history here. Still boring, repeated Bruno, who wasn't really paying attention.


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[Assistant] Said Gretel, laying a hand on his arm for a moment, which made Mother stare at her and narrow her eyes. He's a very ignorant little boy.


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[Assistant] I'm not ignorant, snapped Bruno, who had had enough of her insults.


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[Assistant] You will have to forgive my sister, Lieutenant Kotler, hear it politely, but she's a hopeless case. There's very little we can do for her. The doctor says she's gone past the point of help.


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[Assistant] Shut up, said Gretel, blushing scarlet. You shut up, said Bruno, with a broad smile. Children, please, said Mother. Father tapped his knife on the table, and everyone was silent.


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[Assistant] Bruno glanced in his direction. He didn't look angry exactly, but he did look as if he wasn't going to put up with much more arguing.


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[Assistant] I enjoyed history very much when I was a boy, said Lieutenant Cotler after a few silent moments. And although my father was a professor of literature at the university, I preferred the social sciences to the arts. I didn't know that, Kurt, said Mother, turning to look at him for a moment. Does he still teach, then? I suppose so, said Lieutenant Cotler. I don't really know. Well, how could you not know? she asked, frowning at him. Don't you keep in touch with him? The young lieutenant chewed on a mouthful of lamb.


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[Assistant] He looked to Bruno as if he regretted having brought the matter up in the first place. Kurt, repeated mother, don't you keep in touch with your father?


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[Assistant] Not really, he replied, shrugging his shoulders dismissively and not turning his head to look at her. He left Germany some years ago. 1938, I think it was. I haven't seen him since then.


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[Assistant] Father stopped eating for a moment and stared across at Lieutenant Cotler, frowning slightly. And where did he go, he asked. I beg your pardon, Herr Commandant, asked Lieutenant Cotler, even though father had spoken in a perfectly clear voice. I asked you where he went, he repeated. Your father, the professor of literature. Where did he go when he left Germany?


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[Assistant] Oh, but Switzerland's a beautiful country, said Mother quickly. I haven't ever been there, I admit, but from what I hear... He can't be very old, your father.


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[Assistant] Said father, his deep voice, silencing them all. I mean you're only, what? Seventeen? Eighteen years old? I've just turned nineteen, her commandant. So your father would be... in his forties, I expect? Lieutenant Kotler said nothing but continue to eat, although he didn't appear to be enjoying his food at all.


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[Assistant] Strange that he chose not to stay in the fatherland, said father.


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[Assistant] We're not close, my father and I, said Lieutenant Cotler quickly, looking around the table as if he owed everyone an explanation. Really, we haven't spoken in years.


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[Assistant] What reason did he give, might I ask, continued father, for leaving Germany at the moment of her greatest glory and her most vital need, when it is encumbered upon all of us to play our part in the national revival? Was he tubercular? Lieutenant Kotler stared at father confused. I beg your pardon, he asked. Did he go to Switzerland to take the air, explained father.


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[Assistant] I'm afraid I don't know her commandant, says Lieutenant Kotler. You will have to ask him.


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[Assistant] Well, that would be rather difficult to do, wouldn't it? With him being so far away, I mean. But perhaps that was it. Perhaps he was ill.


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[Assistant] Father hesitated before picking up his knife and fork again and continuing to eat. Or perhaps he had disagreement.


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[Assistant] Disagreements, Herr Commandant. With government policy. One hears tales of men like this from time to time. Curious fellows, I imagine. Disturbed, some of them. Traitors, others. Cowards, too.


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[Assistant] Of course you have informed your superiors of your father's views, Lieutenant Kotler.


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[Assistant] The young left talent opened his mouth and then swallowed, despite the fact that he hadn't been eating anything.


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[Assistant] Never mind, said Father cheerfully. Perhaps it is not an appropriate conversation for the dinner table. We can discuss it in more depth at a later time. Herr Commandant.


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[Assistant] Said Lieutenant Cotler, leaning forward anxiously. I can assure you, it is not an appropriate conversation for the dinner table, repeated Father sharply, silencing him immediately.


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[Assistant] And Bruno looked from one to the other, both enjoying and being frightened by the atmosphere at the same time.


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[Assistant] I'd love to go to Switzerland, said Gretel after a lengthy silence. Eat your dinner, Gretel, said Mother.


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[Assistant] I was about to say more, but she was interrupted by father calling for Pavel again.


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[Assistant] Bruno watched him, hoping he was feeling alright, although he managed to release the cork without any accidents.


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[Assistant] But after he had filled Father's glass and turned to refill Lieutenant Cotless, he lost his grip of the bottle somehow.


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[Assistant] And it fell crashing, glug, glug, glugging its contents out directly onto the young man's lap.


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[Assistant] What happened then was both unexpected and extremely unpleasant.


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[Assistant] Lieutenant Cotler grew very angry with Pavel, and no one, not Bruno, not Gretel, not Mother, and not even Father, stepped in to stop him doing what he did next, even though none of them could watch. Even though it made Bruno cry, and Gretel grow pale.


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[Assistant] Later that night when Bruno went to bed, he thought about all that had happened over dinner.


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[Assistant] He remembered how kind Pavel had been to him on the afternoon he'd made the swing.


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[Assistant] And while Bruno realised that Father was generally a very kind and thoughtful man,


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[Assistant] It hardly seemed fair or right that no one had stopped Lieutenant Kotler getting so angry at Pavel. And if that was the kind of thing that went on at Outwith...


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[Assistant] He would do well to keep his mouth shut and cause no chaos at all. Some people might not like it.


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[Assistant] His old life in Berlin seemed like a very distant memory now.


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[Assistant] The two older boys have disappeared into the world to make their fortune and have not sent any of it back.


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[Assistant] The father worked in a glass factory and got consumption. It's awfully unhealthy work. And now he's been sent away to a hospital.


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[Assistant] That took all of their savings and the support of the family falls upon the oldest daughter who is 24. She dress-makes for $1.50 a day when she can get it and embroider centerpieces in the evening. The mother isn't very strong and is extremely intellectual and pious. She sits with her hands folded, a picture of patient resignation.


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[Assistant] One hundred dollars would buy some coal and some shoes for the three children so that they could go to school and give a little margin.


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[Assistant] You are the richest man I know. Don't you suppose you could spare one hundred dollars? That girl deserves help a lot more than I ever did. I wouldn't ask it, except for the girl. I don't care much what happens to the mother. She is such a jellyfish.


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[Assistant] The way people are forever rolling their eyes to heaven and saying, perhaps it's all for the best.


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[Assistant] Humility or resignation or whatever you choose to call it is simply impotent inertia. I'm for a more militant religion.


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[Assistant] He spends his entire time between classes.


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[Assistant] Where do you think my new novel is? In the wastebasket. I can see myself that it's no good on earth. And when a loving author realises that, what WOULD be the judgement of a critical public? Later.


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[Assistant] I address you, Daddy, from a bed of pain.


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[Assistant] What were your parents thinking of not to have those tonsils out when you were a baby? The doctor wished to know. I'm sure I haven't an idea, but I doubt if they were thinking much about me. Yours, J.A. Next morning. I just read this over before sealing it.


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[Assistant] I don't know why I cast such a misty atmosphere over life. I hasten to assure you.


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[Assistant] Youth has nothing to do with birthdays, only with a lividness of spirit. So even if your hair is grey, Daddy, you can still be a boy. Affectionately, Judy.


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[Assistant] Chapter 17. Mother gets her own way.


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[Assistant] Over the course of the next few weeks, Mother seemed increasingly unhappy with life at Outwith, and Bruno understood perfectly well why that might be. After all,


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[Assistant] When they'd first arrived, he had hated it, due to the fact that it was nothing like home, and lacked such things as three best friends for life.


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[Assistant] There was no one for her to talk to, and the only person who she had been remotely friendly with, the young Lieutenant Cotler, had been transferred somewhere else.


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[Assistant] Although he tried not to be one of those boys who spends his time listening at keyholes and down chimneys,


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[Assistant] Bruno was passing by father's office one afternoon, while mother and father were inside having one of their conversations. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they were talking quite loudly, and he couldn't help but overhear.


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[Assistant] We don't have any choice, said father. This is our assignment, and no, this is your assignment, said mother. Your assignment, not ours. You stay if you want to.


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[Assistant] And what will people think? Asked father. If I permit you and the children to return to Berlin without me, they will ask questions about my commitment to the work here.


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[Assistant] Work? Shout it, Mother. You call this work?


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[Assistant] He had heard enough to know that there was a chance they might be returning to Berlin, and to his surprise, he didn't know how to feel about it.


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[Assistant] There was one part of him that remembered that he had loved his own life back there, but so many things would have changed by now.


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[Assistant] Carl and the other two best friends whose names he couldn't remember would probably have forgotten about him by now. Grandmother was dead, and they almost never heard from grandfather, who father said had gone senile. But on the other hand, he'd grown used to life at Outwith, he didn't mind hairlist.


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[Assistant] He'd become much friendlier with Maria than he ever had been back in Berlin.


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[Assistant] Gretel was still going through a phase and keeping out of his way. And she didn't seem to be quite so much of a hopeless case anymore. And his afternoon conversations with Schmuel filled him with happiness.


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[Assistant] Bruno didn't know how to feel, and decided that whatever happened, he would accept the decision without complaint.


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[Assistant] Mother kept very quiet during the day and was having an awful lot more of her afternoon naps, some of them not even in the afternoon but before lunch.


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[Assistant] And Bruna was worried for her health because he'd never known anyone need quite so many medicinal cherries.


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[Assistant] And Bruno did exactly what was asked of him and caused no chaos at all and enjoyed the fact that he had one secret friend whom no one knew about.


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[Assistant] Father sat down behind his desk. We've decided to make a few changes, he continued, looking a little sad as he spoke. Tell me this. Are you happy here? Yes, Father, of course, said Gretel. Certainly, Father, said Bruno. And you don't miss Berlin at all?


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[Assistant] The children paused for a moment and glanced at each other, wondering which one of them was going to commit to an answer.


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[Assistant] Well, I miss it terribly, said Gretel eventually. I wouldn't mind having some friends again. Bruno smiled, thinking about his secret.


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[Assistant] Friends, said Father, nodding his head. Yes, I've often thought of that. It must have been lonely for you at times. Very lonely, said Gretel in a determined voice. And you, Brulow, asked Father, looking at him now. Do you miss your friends? Well, yes, he replied, considering his answer carefully. But I think I'd miss people no matter where I went.


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[Assistant] Bruno thought about it. Well, I wouldn't like it if you weren't there, he said, because that was the truth. So you'd prefer to stay here with me?


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[Assistant] I prefer all four of us to stay together, he said, reluctantly, including Gretel in that. Whether that was in Berlin or outwith.


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[Assistant] Well, for the moment I'm afraid that's going to be impossible, said father.