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[Assistant] Okay, I'm not so surprised about Shemekka. Ever since she grew breasts over the summer, boys have been buzzing around her like she was the newest version of Tomb Raider or something. And Ling Su and that Clifford guy she's been seeing are way into each other. But Tina? I mean,


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[Assistant] She has a bodyguard, just like me. When has she ever been alone long enough with a boy for him to French her? And Lily?


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[Assistant] Excuse me, but Lily, my best friend, who I thought tells me everything,


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[Assistant] Even though I don't necessarily always return the favor.


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[Assistant] She has known the touch of a boy's tongue upon her own and she never thought to tell me until now.


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[Assistant] Boris Wachowski is apparently a much smoother operator than you would suspect considering that whole sweater thing.


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[Assistant] He always has food in his retainer, and not just any food either, but usually weird, multi-colored foods like gummy bears and jelly bellies.


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[Assistant] Lily says he takes his retainer out when they kiss though. God, I am such a reject. The only boy.


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[Assistant] Who has ever kissed me did it just so he could get his picture in the paper.


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[Assistant] Yeah, there was some tongue action, but believe me, I kept my lips way closed.


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[Assistant] And since I have never been French kissed and had nothing good to confess on the show,


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[Assistant] Lily decided to punish me by giving me a dare. She didn't even ask me if I would prefer a truth.


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[Assistant] Lily dared me, I wouldn't drop an eggplant onto the sidewalk from her 16 story bedroom window. I said, I most certainly would.


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[Assistant] I am all for illustrating the degenerate lows to which America's teens have sunk, but I wouldn't want anybody to get their head bashed in.


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[Assistant] But what could I do? It was a dare. I had to go along with it. I mean...


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[Assistant] It's bad enough I've never been Frenched. I don't want to be branded a wimp, too.


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[Assistant] And I couldn't exactly stand there and go, well,


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[Assistant] Alright, I may never have been French kissed by a boy, but...


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[Assistant] I have been the recipient of a love letter that was written by one. A boy, I mean. Because...


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[Assistant] What if Michael is Josie Rocks? I mean, I know he probably isn't, but, well, what if he is?


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[Assistant] I don't want Lily to know any more than I want her to know about my interview with Beverly Belle Reeve. Or the fact that my mom and Mr. G are getting married.


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[Assistant] I am trying very hard to be a normal girl, and frankly, none of the aforementioned can be even remotely construed as normal.


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[Assistant] I guess the knowledge that somewhere in the world there is a boy who likes me gave me a sense of empowerment. Something I certainly could have used during my interview with Beverly Belle Reeve, but whatever.


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[Assistant] I may not be able to form a coherent sentence when there is a television camera aimed in my direction, but I am at least capable I decided of throwing an eggplant out the window. Lily was shocked. I had never accepted to dare like that before. I can't really explain why I did it.


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[Assistant] Maybe I was just trying to live up to my new reputation as a very Josie-ish type of girl. Or...


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[Assistant] Maybe I was more scared of what Lily would try to make me do if I said no. Once, she made me run up and down the hallway naked.


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[Assistant] Whatever my reasons, I soon found myself sneaking past the doctors Moskowitz, who were lounging around in sweatpants in the living room with stacks of important medical journals all around their chairs,


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[Assistant] Though Lily's father was reading a copy of Sports Illustrated and Lily's mom was reading Cosmo and creeping into the kitchen.


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[Assistant] Hello Mia, Lily's father called from behind his magazine. How are you doing? Uhm, I said nervously. Fine. And how is your mother? Lily's mother asked.


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[Assistant] She's fine, I said. Is she still seeing your algebra teacher in a social capacity? Uhm, yes, Dr. Moskovitz, I said. More than you know.


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[Assistant] I didn't think it would be appropriate to mention the whole thing about how my mom is having Mr. G's baby. I mean, I was supposed to be on a dare after all. You aren't supposed to stop for psychoanalysis when you were on a dare.


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[Assistant] Well, tell her hello from me, Lily's mother said. We can't wait until her next show. It's at the Mary Boone Gallery, right? Yes, ma'am, I said. The Moskovitzes are big fans of my mother's work.


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[Assistant] Then, he and his wife turned back to their magazines, so I hurried into the kitchen.


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[Assistant] I hid it under my shirt so the doctors Moskowitz wouldn't see me sneaking back into their daughter's room holding a giant ovoid fruit, something sure to cause unwanted questions. While I carried it, I thought, this is how my mother is going to look in a few months. It wasn't a very comforting thought.


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[Assistant] I don't think my mother is going to dress any more conservatively while pregnant than she did not pregnant. Which is to say not very. Then.


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[Assistant] While Lily narrated gravely into the microphone about how Mia Thermopoulos was about to strike a blow for good girls everywhere and Shemeika filmed, I opened the window, made sure no innocent bystanders were below, and then


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[Assistant] Bombs away! I said like in the movies.


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[Assistant] It was kind of cool seeing this huge purple eggplant. It was the size of a football, tumbling over and over in the air as it fell.


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[Assistant] There are enough street lamps on 5th Avenue where the Moskovitzes live for us to see it as it plummeted downward even though it was night.


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[Assistant] The only people who can afford apartments in Lily's building until suddenly SPLAT. The eggplant hit the sidewalk.


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[Assistant] On the sidewalk, sending bits of eggplant flying everywhere, mostly all over an M1 city bus that was driving by at the time.


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[Assistant] Quite a lot all over a jaguar that had been idling nearby.


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[Assistant] And a man got out from behind the wheel just as the doorman to Lily's building stepped out from beneath the awning over the front doors and looked up.


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[Assistant] Suddenly someone threw an arm around my waist and yanked me backward right off my feet. Get down! Michael hissed, pulling me down to the parquet. We all ducked. Well...


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[Assistant] Lily, Michael, Shemeika, Lingsoo, and Tina Duck. I was already on the floor. Where had Michael come from?


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[Assistant] I hadn't even known he was home, and I'd asked, believe me, on account of the whole running down the hallway naked thing, just in case and all.


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[Assistant] But Lily had said he was at a lecture on quasars over at Columbia and wouldn't be home for hours. Are you guys stupid or what? Michael wanted to know.


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[Assistant] Don't you know besides the fact that it's a good way to kill someone, it's also against the law to drop things out a window in New York City?


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[Assistant] Oh, Michael, Lily said disgustedly, grow up. It was just a common garden vegetable. I'm serious. Michael looked mad. If anyone saw Mia do that just now, she could be arrested. No, she couldn't. Lily said she's a minor.


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[Assistant] Or at least trying to make sure I didn't end up in juvenile court. It was just so sweet. So, well, Josie rocks of him.


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[Assistant] Lily went, I most certainly am. Well, you'd better edit out the parts that show Mia's face. Lily stuck her chin out. No way. Lily.


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[Assistant] Everybody knows who Mia is. If you air that segment, it will be all over the news that the Princess of Genovia was caught on tape dropping projectiles out the window of her friend's high-rise apartment. Get a clue, will you? Michael had let go of my waist, I noticed, with regret. Lily, Michael's right, Tina Hakim Baba said.


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[Assistant] We better edit that part out. Mia doesn't need any more publicity than she already has.


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[Assistant] Checking, I guess, to see whether the doorman and the owner of the Jaguar were still there, but Michael jerked her back.


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[Assistant] Which was just how I felt when I dropped that eggplant out the window. Like dirty Harry. And it had felt good.


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[Assistant] But not quite so good as having Michael rush to my defense like that.


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[Assistant] There is so much I don't know about Lily's brother. Like, he used to be a juvenile delinquent.


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[Assistant] Could a computer genius slash juvenile delinquent ever be interested in a flat-chested princess like myself? He did save my life tonight. Well, okay, he saved me from possible community service.


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[Assistant] It's not a French kiss, or a slow dance, or even an admission he's the author of that anonymous letter, but it's a start.


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[Assistant] Fat Louie, what do you want? Women rule. God, touchy much? Are you done talking to my brother yet? Fat Louie, yes. Women rule. You two make me sick. You know that, don't you?


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[Assistant] Poor Lily. She and Boris went out for so long that she still isn't used to not having a boyfriend who calls to say good night.


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[Assistant] Not that Michael was going to bed yet when he called, but he knew I was.


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[Assistant] Michael doesn't have to get to sleep early because even though he is taking eighteen credit hours this semester so that he can graduate in three years instead of four and take a year off before he starts graduate school and I start college so we can work together with Greenpeace at Saving the Whales.


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[Assistant] He purposely only chose classes that start after ten, so he can sleep in.


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[Assistant] I can barely even figure out what I'm going to have for lunch every day, so this is extremely impressive to me.


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[Assistant] It would only have taken him about half an hour to move into his dorm at Columbia over the weekend, if the elevators hadn't broken down.


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[Assistant] Because he had everything so organized.


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[Assistant] I went with the rest of his family to help and to see what his room was like and to, you know.


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[Assistant] See him for the first time since getting back from Genovia and all. I don't know how much Columbia charges for its student housing, but I wasn't very impressed. Michael's room is very cinder blocky with a view of an air shaft. Not that Michael even cares.


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[Assistant] All he was concerned about was whether it had enough data, Jack.


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[Assistant] He didn't even look in the bathroom to see if it had one of those smelly vinyl shower curtains or the even smellier rubber ones. I looked for him. Rubber one. Ew. Guys are so weird. I didn't meet his roommate because he hadn't moved in yet.


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[Assistant] But the sign on the door said his name was Dupac's son. I hope Dupac turns out to be nice and not allergic to cat hair or anything.


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[Assistant] Because I plan on being in their room a lot.


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[Assistant] I felt bad for Lily on account of her not having a one true love and all, so I thought I'd try to cheer her up. Fat Louie, but it must be nice to have the apartment all to yourself now. I mean, isn't that what you always wanted?


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[Assistant] Know Michael to drink all the Sunny D and eat all the Honey Nut Cheerios? Women rule.


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[Assistant] Whatever. Suddenly I have to do all my chores and Michael's too. And who do you think has to take care of Pavlov now? Fat Louie. Like Michael's not paying you. Women rule.


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[Assistant] Only 20 bucks a week. Hello, I worked it out and that is only like a dollar a pooper scooper full. Fat Louie. TMI! Women rule. Whatever. I suppose you love scooping up after Fat Louie. Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] Fat Louie's poops are cute, just like he is. Same with Rocky's. Women rule.


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[Assistant] Um, now who is giving TMI baby liquor? Fat Louie, I am choosing to ignore that. Hey,


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[Assistant] Do you think the part in Dr. Gupta's letter about not wearing shorts beneath your school skirt is because Lana always wore Josh's lacrosse uniform shorts under her skirt last year? You know, to show that Josh was her property? Women rule. I don't know and I don't care. Listen, about tomorrow. Fat Louie. What? Women rule. Never mind. Sleep tight. Fat Louie. Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark? Women rule.


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[Assistant] I can already tell that being a sophomore is not exactly going to be a picnic.


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[Assistant] There really ought to be some kind of constitutional amendment to abolish high school convocations. Seriously.


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[Assistant] Because not only are they a huge waste of school resources, how many times can you sit and listen to some paralyzed dude talk about how he wished he'd never driven drunk? Hello? We know!


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[Assistant] But I'm also beginning to think convocations are just an excuse for teachers to take a break from teaching.


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[Assistant] I fully saw Mrs. Hill sneaking a cigarette outside the gym doors just now.


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[Assistant] I guess the front of the school isn't the only place where we need surveillance cameras.


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[Assistant] And anytime you get a thousand teens in one room together, you just know there's going to be trouble.


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[Assistant] Principal Gupta already had to yell at the Varsity Girls lacrosse team for throwing Swedish fish at the kids from the drama club, who weren't even doing anything for once.


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[Assistant] Except, you know, looking weird with their dyed black hair and facial piercings.


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[Assistant] And I saw a couple members of the computer club sneak beneath the bleachers just now.


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[Assistant] They had expressions on their faces I can only describe as diabolical.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out they're down there unpacking their killer robot and programming it to unleash a reign of terror upon the world.


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[Assistant] Principal Gupta is telling us how happy she is to have us all back. Lily's hand just shot up. Principal Gupta said, not now, Lily, and just went right on talking. Lily is now muttering to herself beside me.


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[Assistant] Tina on my other side is playing hangman with Boris.


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[Assistant] So far she only has the letter E right and has already earned a head and body. The spaces are


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[Assistant] But I'm not helping, because what she does with her boyfriend is her own business.


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[Assistant] Just like what I do with my boyfriend is my own business.


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[Assistant] Or at least it would be my business if, in fact, I was doing anything with him. Which I'm not.


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[Assistant] Which is apparently a huge problem, bound to lead to his breaking up with me for some college girl who WILL do it with him. But why shouldn't I do it with him? People do it all the time.


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[Assistant] I mean, I wouldn't be here if my mom and dad hadn't- Oh great, now I feel like barfing. Why did I have to think about that? My mom and dad doing it. Ew.


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[Assistant] Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. That's even worse than the thought of my mom and Mr. G- Okay, now I'm totally going to barf. EWWW!


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[Assistant] Now Principal Gupta is talking about the wonderful extracurriculars that exist at Albert Einstein High.


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[Assistant] Why doesn't Tina try the letter L? This is so aggravating!


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[Assistant] Now Principal Gupta is introducing the different student groups to show how many extracurriculars AEHS has to offer.


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[Assistant] It turns out the other new guy who got assigned Josh's old locker and who spilled his latte on my boot?


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[Assistant] After he wins, he whips off his shirt and swings it around his head the way Josh used to.


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[Assistant] Ramon is sitting with Lana and Trisha and all the rest of the popular people. How did he know?


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[Assistant] I mean, he isn't even FROM this country. How could he know who the popular people even are, let alone that he's one of them and should sit with them?


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[Assistant] Is this something popular people are just born with? Something they know innately?


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[Assistant] Now, Principal Gupta is talking about student council and how we should all be eager to join and what a wonderful opportunity it is to show your school spirit and how it also looks good on your transcript.


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[Assistant] She is almost making it seem as if anybody who wanted to could run for student council and win.


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[Assistant] Which is so bogus, because everyone knows only popular people ever win elections for student council. Lily ran last year and didn't win. The person who beat her wasn't even smart.


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[Assistant] No, last year she got soundly defeated by Nancy de Blasi, captain of the varsity cheerleading squad, Lana Weinberger's mentor in evil.


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[Assistant] A girl who spent way more time organizing bake sales so that the cheerleaders could get a well-deserved trip to Six Flags than she did lobbying for real student reforms.


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[Assistant] Do we have any nominations for student council president? Principal Gupta wants to know. Lily's hand just shot up. Principal Gupta is ignoring it this time. Anyone? Principal G keeps asking. Anyone at all? Tina just said to Boris, um, gee, let me see. Is there a why? Oh, for God's sake. I can no longer help myself. Maybe it's the looming threat of defloration.


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[Assistant] Ramon Rivera's is laughing at something Lana has whispered in his ear.


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[Assistant] Lily is waving her arm around like a crazy person. Hers is the only hand in the air.


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[Assistant] Finally, Principal Gupta has no choice but to go, Lily, we discussed this last year.


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[Assistant] You can't nominate yourself for student council president. Someone has to nominate you.


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[Assistant] Lily stands up and out of her mouth come the words, I'm not nominating myself this year. I nominate Mia Thermopoulos.


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[Assistant] Tuesday, September 8th, in the limo on the way to the Plaza Hotel. Seriously, why am I even friends with her?


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[Assistant] Well, Lana certainly didn't waste any time launching her campaign for student council president into overdrive.


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[Assistant] When Lily and I walked into school this morning, it was to find the hallways wallpapered with giant, full color glossy posters of Lana with the words Vote Lana written underneath them.


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[Assistant] Some of the posters are just like headshots, showing Lana tossing her long, shimmery, golden hair back and laughing. Or with her chin cupped in her hands, smiling with the angelic sweetness of Britney on her first album cover.


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[Assistant] In the pictures, Lana doesn't look at all like someone who might grab the back of another girl's bra and hiss.


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[Assistant] Or someone who might tell a girl in the jet line that college boys expect their girlfriends to do it.


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[Assistant] Some of the other posters show Lana in full-on action shots, like jumping into the air and doing the splits in her cheerleading uniform.


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[Assistant] One of them shows Lana in her prom dress from last year, standing at the bottom of some staircase.


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[Assistant] I don't know where since there was no staircase like it at the actual prom. Maybe her apartment?


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[Assistant] I wouldn't know, of course, having never been invited there.


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[Assistant] Lily took one look at all the posters, and then down at her own posters, yes, Lily spent all last night while I was learning about Wendell Jenkins making campaign posters for me, and said a very bad word.


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[Assistant] Because even though Lily's posters are very nice, they say Mia rules and pick the princess.


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[Assistant] They are only glitter poured over elmers on white foam core for rigidity.


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[Assistant] Lily didn't exactly blow up any full color glossy headshots of me and plaster the school with them.


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[Assistant] I don't want to be president anyway, so maybe this is for the best.


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[Assistant] Even Boris noticed how sad Lily was and felt bad for her, which I thought was really nice of him.


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[Assistant] Given how she'd ripped his heart out of his chest and stomped all over it just last May.


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[Assistant] Your posters are much nicer than Lana's, he told her, because they come from the heart, and not some photocopy shop. But Lily ripped her posters in half.


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[Assistant] And stuff them into a trash can outside the administrative offices anyway.


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[Assistant] There was glitter everywhere by the time she was done. She did say, kind of darkly, she wants more, she's got one.


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[Assistant] But Lily may have been referring to the fact that they are serving brondade for lunch today in the cafe.


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[Assistant] With cod, the main ingredient in brondade, being nearly extinct due to overfishing,


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[Assistant] Lily's been conducting a very vocal campaign on her public access show against its use in New York City restaurants.


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[Assistant] Lily really needs a new project. She has way too much time on her hands.


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[Assistant] I have not heard from Michael since I signed off last night.


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[Assistant] I'm hoping this means he is busy with the whole petroleum running out thing, and not, you know...


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[Assistant] That he's breaking up with me because he's realized I'm not exactly the do-it type.


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[Assistant] There should be a law against dodgeball.


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[Assistant] What is the point of even having a bodyguard if he is going to allow me to be pelted in the thigh with red rubber balls? I think that's definitely going to leave a mark.


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[Assistant] And by the symbol bi-directional arrow.


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[Assistant] There is an Euler diagram appearing on my thigh where Lana hit me with that ball.


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[Assistant] Why, why, why did I think this year was going to be better, in spite of Michael not being around, than last year, just because at least Lana and Josh wouldn't be making out in front of my locker?


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[Assistant] Because the thing is, when Josh was around, Lana was distracted and not actively seeking out targets to destroy.


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[Assistant] But now that there's no man in her life, she has ample free time to torture me again. Like today at lunch, for instance.


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[Assistant] It was all my fault in the first place for being greedy and going back to the jet line for a second ice cream sandwich.


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[Assistant] Really, one ice cream sandwich ought to be enough for a girl my size. But there was something wrong with the three bean salad.


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[Assistant] You would think that with all the money the trustees invested in those surveillance cameras outside, they'd have tossed just a little the cafeteria's way so we could get something decent to eat in here besides frozen dairy products. But no. Lily seems to have a point.


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[Assistant] Apparently, finding out who is stubbing their cigarettes out on Joe's head is more important than providing digestible sustenance for the student body.


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[Assistant] So I was standing there waiting to get my ice cream sandwich when I heard this voice behind me say my name.


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[Assistant] And when I turned my head, there were Lana and Trisha Hayes, who seemed to have recovered from Mr. Harding's tongue lashing.


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[Assistant] Are you still going out with that guy? You know, that Michael guy with the band? I should have known, of course.


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[Assistant] That Lana wasn't trying to make up for all those years of being mean to me.


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[Assistant] I should have just put the ice cream sandwich back and left the jet line then and there.


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[Assistant] But I thought, I don't know, that maybe she was sorry for the whole underwear remark from the locker room that morning. I thought, don't ask me why, that maybe Lana really had changed over the summer too, just like Boris.


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[Assistant] Probably instead of changing on the outside, Lana had changed on the inside.


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[Assistant] I should have known something like that would be impossible, since in order to have a change of heart, Lana would actually have to have a heart in the first place, and she obviously does not, since when I said, cautiously, yeah, Michael and I are still going out, she went, isn't he in college now? And I said, yeah, he goes to Columbia.


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[Assistant] Kind of proudly, because hello, at least my boyfriend had chosen to go to college in the same state as the one I live in, unlike Lana's ex. Well, have you two done it yet?


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[Assistant] Lana wanted to know, as casually as if she were asking me where I'd gotten my highlights done. And I was like, done what?


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[Assistant] Because I swear I had no idea what she was talking about. I mean, who ASKS people things like that? And Lana went, IT, you idiot.


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[Assistant] I mean, this is a topic I barely discuss with my best friends.


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[Assistant] I certainly never expected to be discussing it with my mortal enemy. In the jet line.


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[Assistant] But before I had a chance to recover from my paralyzing astonishment, Lana went on.


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[Assistant] Well, if you want to hang on to him, you'd better hurry up, she said, while Trisha giggled behind her.


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[Assistant] As I stood there staring at her in total and complete horror, Lana poked me in the back and went, Are you going to buy that or are you just going to stand there?


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[Assistant] And I realized the line had moved up, so I was standing in front of the cashier with my ice cream sandwich melting in my hand.


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[Assistant] So I handed the cashier my dollar and went back to my table with Lily and Boris and Tina and Shamika and Lingxu and just sat there not saying anything until the bell rang. And no one even noticed.


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[Assistant] I mean, I have seen a lot of movies and TV shows where guys in college seem to expect their girlfriends to do it. Such as MTV's Fraternity Life and Spring Break, and Revenge of the Nerds.


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[Assistant] But the guys in those movies and shows had girlfriends who were in college too. None of them were going out with sophomores in high school, who will shortly be flunking geometry.


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[Assistant] Who happen to be princesses of small European principalities. Who have six foot five bodyguards.


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[Assistant] So I was just casually flipping through the channels, you know, taking a little study break and all from thinking of a profound moment to write about in my English journal.


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[Assistant] When all of a sudden I hit channel 67, one of the public access channels, and there is an episode of Lily's show Lily Tells It Like It Is that I have never seen before, which was weird because Lily Tells It Like It Is is usually on Friday nights. Then I figured since this Friday is Halloween,


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[Assistant] Maybe Lily's show is being preempted for coverage of the parade in the village or something. So I'm sitting there, watching the show, and it turns out to be the slumber party episode.


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[Assistant] You know the one we tape on Saturday with all the other girls confessing their French kissing exploits and me dropping the eggplant out the window?


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[Assistant] Only Lily had edited out any scenes showing my face, so unless you knew Mia Thermopolis was the one in the pajamas with strawberries all over them, you would never have known it was me.


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[Assistant] All in all, pretty tame stuff. Maybe some really puritanical moms would get upset about the French kissing, but there aren't too many of those in the five boroughs, which is the extent of the broadcast region.


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[Assistant] Then the camera did this funny skittering thing, and when the picture got clear again, there was this close-up of my face. That's right.


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[Assistant] My face. I was lying on the floor with this pillow under my head talking in the sleepy way. Then I remembered.


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[Assistant] At the slumber party after everyone else had fallen asleep.


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[Assistant] Lily and I had stayed awake chatting and it turned out she'd been filming me the whole time. I was lying there going.


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[Assistant] The thing I want most to do is start a place for stray and abandoned animals. Like, I went to Rome once, and there were about 80 million cats there roaming around the monuments, and they totally would have died if these nuns hadn't fed them and stuff. So the first thing I think I'll do is, I'll start a place where all the stray animals in Genovia will be taken care of, you know?


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[Assistant] And I never have any of them put to sleep unless they were really sick or something.


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[Assistant] And there'll just be like all these dogs and cats and maybe some dolphins and ocelots. Lily's voice, disembodied, went, Are there ocelots in Genovia? I went, I hope so. Maybe not though. But whatever. Any animals that need a home, they can come live there.


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[Assistant] And that's going to be your first act when you become the ruler of Genovia? I said sleepily, yeah, I think so.


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[Assistant] Maybe we could just turn the whole castle into an animal shelter, you know?


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[Assistant] And like all the strays in Europe can come live there. Even those cats in Rome.


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[Assistant] Do you think your calm mare is going to like that? I mean, having all those stray cats around the castle? I said,


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[Assistant] She'll be dead by then, so who cares? Oh my god!


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[Assistant] I hope they don't have public access on the TVs up at the plaza. Lily asked me.


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[Assistant] What part of it do you hate the most? Being a princess I mean. Oh, that's easy.


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[Assistant] Not being able to go to the deli to buy milk without having to call ahead and arrange for a bodyguard to escort me.


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[Assistant] Lily went, are you nervous about your formal introduction to the people of Genovia in December?


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[Assistant] People at school like you, Lily said. Then, right in front of the camera, I drifted off to sleep.


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[Assistant] Good thing I didn't drool, or worse, snore. I wouldn't have been able to show my face at school tomorrow.


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[Assistant] Then these words floated up over the screen. Don't believe the hype. This is the real interview with the Princess of Genovia.


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[Assistant] She just went in this infuriatingly superior voice.


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[Assistant] I just want people to be able to see the real mea thermopolis.


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[Assistant] No you don't, I said. You just want one of the networks to pick up on the interview and pay you lots of money for it.


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[Assistant] I guess I don't come off as quite as much of a big-mouthed idiot in Lily's interview. I just come off as a wacko who has a thing for cats. I really don't know which is worse. But the truth is, I'm actually starting not to care. I wonder if this is what happens to celebrities.


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[Assistant] Like, maybe at first you really care what they say about you in the press, but after a while you're just like, whatever.


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[Assistant] I do wonder if Michael saw this, and if so, what he thought of my pajamas. They are quite nice ones.


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[Assistant] Dear Daddy, we started to walk to town today, but mercy how it poured. I like winter to be winter with snow instead of rain. Julia's desirable uncle called again this afternoon and bought a five pound box of chocolates.


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[Assistant] There are advantages, you see, about rooming with Julia. Our innocent prattle appeared to amuse him.


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[Assistant] And even then, I doubt if we could have had our tea.


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[Assistant] And we had a beautiful gossipy time about the temples and the horses and cows and chickens.


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[Assistant] And poor Grover now is so old, he can just limp about the pasture.


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[Assistant] He wanted to know if there was still a woodchuck's hole under the pile of rocks in the night pasture. And there is!


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[Assistant] The 25th great-grandson of the one Master Gervie caught when he was a little boy.


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[Assistant] I called him Master Jeremy to his face, but he didn't appear to be insulted. Julia says that she has never seen him so amiable. He's usually pretty unapproachable. But Julia hasn't a bit of tact, and men, I find, require a great deal.


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[Assistant] They purr if you rub them the right way and spit if you don't.


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[Assistant] That isn't a very elegant metaphor, I mean it figuratively.


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[Assistant] It makes me almost hope I'm not a genius. They must be very wearing to have about, and awfully destructive to the furniture. Mercy, how it keeps pouring. We shall have to swim to chapel tonight. Yours ever, Judy.


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[Assistant] Mr DLL Smith. Sir, you never answer any questions.


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[Assistant] You are probably the horridest one of all those horrid trustees.


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[Assistant] It is very uninspiring writing to a thing.


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[Assistant] Chapter 3 The Hopeless Case


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[Assistant] Bruno was sure that it would have made a lot more sense if they'd left Gretel behind in Berlin to look after the house because she was nothing but trouble. In fact, he had heard her described on any number of occasions as being trouble from day one.


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[Assistant] Gretel was three years older than Bruno, and she had made it clear to him from as far back as he could remember that when it came to the ways of the world, particularly any events within that world that concerned the two of them, she was in charge.


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[Assistant] Bruno didn't like to admit that he was a little scared of her, but if he was honest with himself, which he always tried to be, he would have admitted that he was.


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[Assistant] She had some nasty habits, as was to be expected from sisters. She spent far too long in the bathroom in the mornings for one thing, and didn't seem to mind if Bruno was left outside hopping from foot to foot desperate to go.


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[Assistant] She had a large collection of dolls positioned on shelves around her room that stared at Bruno when he went inside and followed him around, watching whatever he did.


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[Assistant] He was sure that if he went exploring in her room when she was out of the house, they would report back to her on everything he did.


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[Assistant] She had some very unpleasant friends, too, who seemed to think that it was clever to make fun of him, a thing he never would have done if he had been three years older than her.


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[Assistant] All Gretel's unpleasant friends seemed to enjoy nothing more than torturing him and said nasty things to him whenever Mother or Maria were nowhere in sight.


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[Assistant] Bruno's not nine, he's only six, said one particular monster over and over again in a sing-song voice, dancing around him and poking him in the ribs.


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[Assistant] I'm not six, I'm nine, he protested, trying to get away. Then why are you so small? asked the monster. All the other nine-year-olds are bigger than you. This was true, and a particular sore point for Bruno.


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[Assistant] It was a source of constant disappointment to him that he wasn't as tall as any of the other boys in his class. In fact he only came up to their shoulders.


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[Assistant] Whenever he walked along the streets with Carl, Daniel and Martin,


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[Assistant] So one good thing about not being in Berlin anymore was the fact that none of them would be around to torture him.


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[Assistant] Perhaps if he was forced to stay at the new house for a while, even as long as a month, he would have grown by the time they returned home, and then they wouldn't be able to be mean to him anymore.


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[Assistant] It was something to keep in mind anyway if he wanted to do what Mother had suggested and make the best of a bad situation.


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[Assistant] Of course I did, she replied. You don't think I'd have left them at home? Why, it could be weeks before we're back there again.


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[Assistant] Weeks, said Bruno, sounding disappointed but secretly pleased, because he'd resigned himself to the idea of spending a month there. Do you really think so?


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[Assistant] Well, I asked father, and he said we would be here for the foreseeable future.


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[Assistant] What is the foreseeable future exactly? asked Bruno, sitting down on the side of her bed. It means weeks from now, said Gretel with an intelligent nod of her head. Perhaps as long as three.


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[Assistant] That's alright then, said Bruno, as long as it's just for the foreseeable future and not for a month. I hate it here. Gretel looked at her little brother and found herself agreeing with him for once. I know what you mean, she said. It's not very nice, is it? It's horrible, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] Well, yes, said Gretel, acknowledging that. It's horrible right now.


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[Assistant] I heard father say that whoever lived here at Outwith before us lost their job very quickly and didn't have time to make the place nice for us. Outwith? asked Bruno. What's an Outwith?


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[Assistant] It's not Anne outwith Bruno, said Gretel with a sigh. It's just outwith.


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[Assistant] Well what's outwith then? he repeated. Outwith what? That's the name of the house, explained Gretel. Outwith! Bruno considered this.


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[Assistant] He hadn't seen any sign on the outside to say that that was what it was called, nor had he seen any writing on the front door.


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[Assistant] His own house back in Berlin didn't even have a name, it was just called Number Four.


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[Assistant] But what does it mean? He asked in exasperation. Out with what?


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[Assistant] Out with the people who lived here before us, I expect, said Gretel. It must have to do with the fact that he didn't do a very good job and someone said, out with him, and let's get a man in who can do it right. You mean father?


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[Assistant] Of course, said Gretel, who always spoke of father as if he could never do any wrong, and never got angry, and always came in to kiss her good night before she went to sleep, which, if Bruno was to be really fair and not just sad about moving houses, he would have admitted father did for him, too.


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[Assistant] So, we're here at Outwith because someone said Outwith the people before us.


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[Assistant] Exactly Bruno, said Gretel. Now get off my bedspread, you're messing it up! Bruno jumped off the bed and landed with a thud on the carpet. He didn't like the sound it made. It was very hollow.


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[Assistant] And he immediately decided he better not go jumping around this house too often or it might collapse around their ears.


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[Assistant] I know you don't, said Gretel, but there's nothing we can do about it, is there? I miss Carl and Daniel and Martin, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] And I'm Miss Hilder and Isabelle and Louise," said Gretel.


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[Assistant] The other children look at all friendly, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] And Gretel immediately stopped putting one of her more terrifying dolls on a shelf, and turned round to stare at him. What did you just say? she asked. I said I don't think the other children look at all friendly, he repeated. The other children? said Gretel, sounding confused. What other children? I haven't seen any other children. Bruno looked around the room.


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[Assistant] Try not to appear too obvious. He strolled casually towards it.


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[Assistant] He placed his hands in the pockets of his short trousers and attempted to whistle a song he knew while not looking at his sister at all.


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[Assistant] Bruno? asked Gretel. What on earth are you doing? Have you gone mad?


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[Assistant] He continued to stroll and whistle and he continued not to look until he reached the window, which by a stroke of luck was also low enough for him to be able to see out of. He looked outside.


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[Assistant] And further along a forest which seemed ripe for exploration. Bruno!


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[Assistant] Snapped Gretel, marching towards him so quickly that he jumped back from the window and backed up against a wall.


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[Assistant] What? he asked pretending not to know what she was talking about.


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[Assistant] The other children, said Gretel, you said they don't look at all friendly. Well they don't, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] Not wishing to judge them before he met them, but going by appearances which Mother had told him time and time again not to do.


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[Assistant] Bruno smiled and walked towards the door, indicating that Gretel should follow him.


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[Assistant] She gave out a deep sigh as she did so, stopping to put the doll on the bed but then changing her mind and picking it up and holding it close to her chest as she went into her brother's room.


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[Assistant] And something about the way he was watching made her feel suddenly nervous.


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[Assistant] Bruno had never been able to trick her before about anything, and she was fairly sure that


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[Assistant] That made her feel as if she wasn't sure she wanted to see these... children at all.


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[Assistant] Turning round now and seeing his sister standing in the doorway, clutching the doll, her golden pigtails perfectly balanced on each shoulder, ripe for the pulling.


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[Assistant] And the sun reappeared from behind a cloud, just as Gretel looked through the window.


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[Assistant] But after a moment her eyes adjusted and the sun disappeared again and she saw exactly what Bruno had been talking about.


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[Assistant] My diploma is in the bottom bureau drawer with my two best dresses. Commencement was as usual, with a few showers at vital moments. Thank you for your rosebuds. They were lovely.


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[Assistant] Master Jervie and Master Jimmy both gave me roses too, but I left theirs in the bathtub and carried yours in the class procession. Here I am at Lockwillow for the summer. Forever maybe. The board is cheap


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[Assistant] You see that Lockwillow isn't entirely lacking in society. I'd be expecting to have you come motoring through, only I know now that that is hopeless. When you wouldn't come to my commencement, I'd tore you from my heart and buried you forever. Judy Abbott, A.B.


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[Assistant] Do you know about that one scandalous blot in my career, the time I ran away from the asylum because they punished me for stealing cookies? It's down in the books, free for any trustee to read. But really, Daddy, what could you expect?


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[Assistant] When you put a hungry little nine-year-old girl in the pantry scouring knives with the cookie jar at her elbow and go off and leave her alone and then suddenly pop in again, wouldn't you expect to find her a bit crummy?


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[Assistant] And every day for a week I was tied like a naughty puppy to a stake in the backyard while the other children were out at recess. Oh dear, there's the chapel bell, and after chapel I have a committee meeting.


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[Assistant] I waited to see if he would laugh at this, but he just nodded and looked thoughtful.


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[Assistant] And let's say I decide I want to go back to last Wednesday.


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[Assistant] Let's say I wanna go to the movies while the other me is still in school. Okay. I exhaled a big white cloud.


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[Assistant] I won't get to last Wednesday until after I leave, right?


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[Assistant] I mean, I won't know if I'm really going to get there until I actually get there.


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[Assistant] Right, in your experience you won't know if you're going to get there until after you leave.


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[Assistant] I mean, unless you remember seeing yourself on the street or something. Or we could ask the ticket guy at the theater. He was serious. What?


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[Assistant] At the movie theater. Which one are you planning to go to?


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[Assistant] Because we could ask the ticket guy if you were there. Then we'll know whether or not you're going to get there.


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[Assistant] But I haven't left yet. I haven't even built the time machine. So?


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter when you leave. It's just whether or not you get there that matters.


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[Assistant] Wait, I take that back. It does matter when you leave. Because if you don't leave for 50 years, even if you were there, the ticket guy probably won't recognize you. What are you talking about? Well, let's say you finish your time machine in 50 years. You'd be... 62, I said.


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[Assistant] We were across the street from school, waiting for the green light. I could see kids coming from every direction, all bundled up in hats and scarves.


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[Assistant] Okay, so let's say you're 62 and you climb into your machine and go back to last Wednesday, December whatever, 1978. You go to the movie theater.


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[Assistant] The ticket guy would see a 62 year old woman, right?


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[Assistant] Right, I said. So far everything made sense.


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[Assistant] So if we went over to the theater today and asked him whether he saw you there last Wednesday, he'd say no.


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[Assistant] Because his common sense would tell him that you can't be that 62 year old woman. And she can't be you. Get it? I shook my head.


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[Assistant] If we asked today, he couldn't have seen me anyway.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't have been there yet because I haven't gone back yet. Duh. Said a voice behind us. It's really not all that complicated.


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[Assistant] I whirled around and saw Julia in a long coat. She was standing right behind us waiting for the light. Marcus ignored her and looked at me.


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[Assistant] Are you still worrying about that book? About the kids and seeing themselves land in the broccoli? I said nothing.


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[Assistant] I wasn't going to have Julia hear any more of this conversation.


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[Assistant] Think of it like this, Marcus said, oblivious to the look she was giving us.


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[Assistant] If you really need to know what he means, I'll explain it to you.


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[Assistant] This should be good, I thought. Julia is going to explain the nature of time. I turned around and looked at her. Fine, go ahead.


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[Assistant] She pulled off one of her gloves. They were these beautiful, fuzzy, pale yellow gloves. And she yanked a ring from her finger.


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[Assistant] I think of it like this, she said, holding up the ring.


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[Assistant] It was gold, studded all the way around with... Are those diamonds? I said. Diamond ships. She shrugged. Look.


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[Assistant] It's like every moment in time is a diamond sitting on this ring.


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[Assistant] Pretend the ring is really big, with diamonds all around. And each diamond is one moment. Got it? Marcus was silent, just looking at her. I laughed.


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[Assistant] Time is a diamond ring, I said. That explains everything, thanks. Would you shut up and listen?


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[Assistant] If you've figured out a way to bring yourself to another time, probably through some sort of teleportation,


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[Assistant] You'd be somehow recreating your atoms, really. Not physically moving them, I'm guessing. That would be tricky.


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[Assistant] Can we not worry about that part right now? I said. I'm freezing.


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[Assistant] We were still standing across the street from school, even though the light had changed once already and then gone back to red.


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[Assistant] Okay, put it this way. We're kind of jumping from diamond to diamond.


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[Assistant] Like in cartoons where someone is running on a barrel, trying to stay on top. We have to keep moving. There's no choice.


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[Assistant] Annemarie and I stopped in the fourth floor bathroom before going back to class after lunch. She said she wanted to wash her hands again after all that turkey.


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[Assistant] Today was fun, she said, looking at herself in the mirror and combing her hair with her fingers. I wish we got more than 40 minutes for lunch.


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[Assistant] I hate counting bread, I said. It's boring.


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[Assistant] She laughed. At least your hands don't smell like chemical turkey.


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[Assistant] At least you get to goof around behind the counter with Colin, I thought.


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[Assistant] I'm always running to the store, cleaning up some gunk, or stuck talking to Mr. Yellowstains. Let's go, I said. I'm starving.


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[Assistant] Julia was standing right outside our classroom, almost as if she was waiting for us.


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[Assistant] Oh, Anne-Marie, your turquoise sweater. It's your favorite. Poor you. And mom thought I was dramatic.


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[Assistant] Anne-Marie looked down at the hem of her sweater, which had some mustard on it. I had no idea it was her favorite.


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[Assistant] He's not gross, I said, and he doesn't, I made air quotes, work there. He owns the store.


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[Assistant] We don't get paid, Anne-Marie said softly. It's just the sandwiches.


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[Assistant] And so does, I said, waving my sprite.


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[Assistant] Right, Julia said, talking just to Anne-Marie, as if I didn't exist.


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[Assistant] Why aren't you three inside? Silent reading period started five minutes ago.


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[Assistant] As we walked in behind Julia, I whispered to Anne-Marie,


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[Assistant] No wonder you don't want to be friends with her anymore. She is so rude to you. For a second Anne-Marie didn't say anything. Then she mumbled,


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[Assistant] Yeah, sometimes. And we separated to go to our desks.


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[Assistant] Mr. Tomkin had left a book on my desk. He was always trying to get me to read something new.


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[Assistant] This one had a picture of a spunky looking girl on the cover and some buildings behind her.


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[Assistant] I pushed the spunky girl aside, pulled my book out of my desk, and opened it randomly to see where I would land.


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[Assistant] Meg was on the planet Kamazots, where all these little boys are in front of their matching houses, bouncing their matching balls.


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[Assistant] All the balls hit the ground at exactly the same moment, every time. Then all the boys turn at the same second and go back into their identical houses. Except for this one boy.


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[Assistant] He's outside all alone, and his ball rolls into the street. And then his mother comes out looking all nervous and carries him into the house.


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[Assistant] I was thinking about how much Mr. Tomkin would hate the idea of a place where all the houses looked exactly the same when something stung me hard behind the ear.


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[Assistant] I jerked my head up and saw Julia laughing silently over her book.


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[Assistant] I looked down on the floor and saw the rubber band she had shot at me. At my head.


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[Assistant] I'd thought we were just irritating each other, but I was wrong. This was war.


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[Assistant] Mom says that's a dramatic way of looking at things. But sometimes the truth is dramatic.


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[Assistant] The name Miranda stands for people's rights. She said last fall, when I was upset because Robbie B had told me during gym that I was named after a kidnapper.


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[Assistant] I had left my keys at school and waited two and a half hours at Bell's Market on Amsterdam Avenue for mom to get home from work.


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[Assistant] I didn't mind the waiting so much. I helped Belle out around the store for a while. And I had my book, of course.


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[Assistant] Still reading that same book, Belle asked, once I had settled into my folding chair next to the cash register to read. It's looking pretty beat up.


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[Assistant] I'm not still reading it, I told her. I'm reading it again.


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[Assistant] I had probably read it a hundred times, which was why it looked so beat up.


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[Assistant] Okay, Belle said, so let's hear something about this book. What's the first line?


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[Assistant] I never judge a book by the cover, she said. I judge by the first line. I knew the first line of my book without even looking.


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[Assistant] It was a dark and stormy night, I said. She nodded.


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[Assistant] Classic. I like that. What's the story about? I thought for a second.


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[Assistant] It's about a girl named Meg. Her dad is missing and she goes on this trip to another planet to save him. And? Does she have a boyfriend? Sort of, I said. But that's not really the point. How old is she? Twelve.


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[Assistant] The truth is that my book doesn't say how old Meg is. But I am 12, so she feels 12 to me.


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[Assistant] Plenty of time for boyfriends then. Why don't you start from the beginning? Start what from the beginning? The story. Tell me the story from the beginning. So I started telling her the story of my book. Not reading it to her. Just telling her about it. Starting with the first scene.


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[Assistant] Where Meg wakes up at night, afraid of a thunderstorm.


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[Assistant] While she listened, Belle made me a turkey sandwich and gave me about 10 chewable vitamin C's because she thought I sounded nasal.


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[Assistant] When she went to the bathroom, I sneaked a little bunch of grapes, which I love but can't ever have, because mom doesn't like the way the grape pickers are treated in California, and she refuses to buy them.


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[Assistant] When she finally got there, Mom hugged Belle and told her, I owe you.


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[Assistant] Like I was some repulsive burden instead of the person who had very helpfully unpacked three boxes of green bananas and scoured the refrigerated section for expired dairy items.


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[Assistant] Them mom bought a box of strawberries. Even though I know she thinks Belle's strawberries are overpriced and not very good.


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[Assistant] She calls them SSOs, which stands for strawberry-shaped objects.


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[Assistant] Where did Robbie B get the dumb idea that anyone would name her own daughter after a murderer? Mom asked. Our building was still half a block away, but our key was already in her hand.


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[Assistant] Mom doesn't like to fumble around in front of the building looking like a target for muggers. Not a murderer, I said.


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[Assistant] A kidnapper. Robbie B's dad is a prosecutor.


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[Assistant] He says the Miranda warnings were named for a guy named Mr. Miranda who committed some horrible crime. Is that true? Technically, maybe. The Miranda warnings are essential, you know.


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[Assistant] People need to know that they have the right to remain silent and the right to an attorney.


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[Assistant] What kind of justice system would we have without maybe meaning yes? And then there's Shakespeare.


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[Assistant] He invented the name Miranda you know for the Tempest. It made perfect sense now that I thought about it. Mom wanted to be a criminal defense lawyer.


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[Assistant] She started law school and almost finished her first year. But then I was born and she had to quit. Now she's a paralegal.


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[Assistant] Except she works at a really small law office where she has to be the receptionist and the secretary too. Richard is one of the lawyers. They do a lot of free work for poor people. Sometimes even for criminals. But I never dreamed she would name me after one.


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[Assistant] Mom unlocked the lobby door, which is iron and glass and must weigh 300 pounds, and she pushed hard to swing it open, her heels slipping on the tile floor. When we are inside,


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[Assistant] She leaned against the other side of the door until she heard the click. That means the lock is caught.


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[Assistant] When the door swings shut by itself, it usually doesn't lock, which drives mom nuts, and is one of the things the landlord won't fix.


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[Assistant] So, was he a kidnapper or not? I punched the button for the elevator.


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[Assistant] I named you after a monster, Mira. I'm sorry if you don't like your name. You're welcome to change it.


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[Assistant] That was so mom. She didn't understand that a person gets attached to a person's name. That something like this might come as a shock. Upstairs she threw her coat on a kitchen chair.


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[Assistant] Filled the spaghetti pot with water and put it on to boil.


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[Assistant] She was wearing an orange turtleneck and a denim skirt with purple and black striped tights.


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[Assistant] Nice tights, I snorted. Or I tried to snort anyway. Not exactly sure how, though people in books are always doing it. She leaned against the sink and flipped through the mail.


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[Assistant] You already hassled me about the tights this morning, Mira. Oh.


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[Assistant] She was usually still in bed when I left for school, so I didn't get to appreciate her outfit until she got home from work. Nice nail polish then. Her nails were electric blue. She must have done them at her desk that day. She rolled her eyes.


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[Assistant] Are you mad about waiting at Belle's? I was super busy. I couldn't just leave. No, I like it at Belle's. I wondered whether she'd done her nails before.


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[Assistant] Sal and his mom Luisa live in the apartment below ours. Sal used to be my best friend. I said I like it at Bell's.


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[Assistant] Still, I think we should hide a key in the fire hose for the next time.


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[Assistant] So after dinner we hid our spare key inside the nozzle of the dusty, folded up fire hose in the stairwell.


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[Assistant] The hose is all cracked looking and about a hundred years old. Mom always says that if there's an actual fire, it will be of no use whatsoever. And we'll have to jump out the window into the neighbor's garden. It's a good thing we live on the second floor.


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[Assistant] You asked me to mention the key. If I ever do decide to write your letter, which I probably won't, this is the story I would tell you.


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[Assistant] Chapter 19 What happened the next day?


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[Assistant] When Bruno woke in the morning, he looked out of his window and was disappointed to see the rain pouring down.


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[Assistant] It was only the morning and a lot could happen between then and the late afternoon, which was when the two boys always met. The rain would surely have stopped by then.


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[Assistant] He watched during lunch from the kitchen when it was definitely starting to ease off and there was even the hint of sunshine coming from behind a black cloud.


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[Assistant] He watched during history and geography lessons in the afternoon when it reached its strongest force yet and threatened to knock the window in. Fortunately.


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[Assistant] And so Bruno put on a pair of boots and his heavy raincoat, waited until the coast was clear, and left the house. His boots squelched in the mud.


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[Assistant] And he started to enjoy the walk more than he ever had before.


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[Assistant] With every step, he seemed to face the danger of toppling over and falling down. But he never did.


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[Assistant] He looked up at the skies and although they were still very dark he thought the day had probably had enough rain and he would be safe enough this afternoon.


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[Assistant] Of course, there would be the difficulty of explaining why he was so filthy later on when he returned home.


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[Assistant] Mother had been particularly happy over the previous few days as each box of their belongings had been sealed and packed into a truck for dispatch to Berlin


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[Assistant] And for the first time ever he wasn't sitting cross-legged on the ground and staring at the dust beneath him, but standing, leaning against the fence. Hello Bruno, he said when he saw his friend approaching. Hello Schmuel, said Bruno.


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[Assistant] I wasn't sure if we'd ever see each other again, with the rain and everything, I mean," said Shmuel. I thought she might be kept indoors.


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[Assistant] It was touch and go for a while, said Bruno. What with the weather being so bad? Schmuel nodded and held out his hands to Bruno, who opened his mouth in delight.


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[Assistant] You still want to help me find Papa, Ashmole? And Bruno nodded quickly. Of course, he said.


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[Assistant] Although finding Schmuel's papa was not as important in his mind as the prospect of exploring the world on the other side of the fence. I wouldn't let you down!


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[Assistant] Schmool lifted the bottom of the fence off the ground and handed the outfit underneath to Bruno, being particularly careful not to let it touch the muddy ground below.


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[Assistant] Thanks said Bruno scratching his stubbly head and wondering why he hadn't remembered to bring a bag to hold his own clothes in.


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[Assistant] The ground was so dirty here that they would be spoiled if you left them on the ground. He didn't have a choice, really.


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[Assistant] He could either leave them here until later and accept the fact that they would be entirely caked with mud, or he could call the whole thing off and that, as any explorer of note knows, would have been out of the question.


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[Assistant] Turn round, said Bruno, pointing at his friend as he stood there awkwardly. I don't want you watching me. Schmool turned round.


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[Assistant] And Bruno took off his overcoat and placed it as gently as possible on the ground.


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[Assistant] Then he took off his shirt and shivered for a moment in the cold air before putting on the pyjama top. As it slipped over his head, he made the mistake of breathing through his nose. It did not smell very nice. When was this last washed? he called out, and Shmuel turned round. I don't know if it's ever been washed, said Shmuel. Turn round! shouted Bruno, and Shmuel did as he was told.


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[Assistant] Bruno looked left and right again, but there was still no one to be seen, so he began the difficult task of taking off his trousers while keeping one leg and one boot on the ground at the same time. It felt very strange taking off his trousers in the open air, and he couldn't imagine what anyone would think if they saw him doing it, but finally, and with a great deal of effort, he managed to complete the task. There, he said, you can turn back now.


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[Assistant] Shmuel turned just as Bruno applied the finishing touch to his costume, placing the striped cloth cap on his head. Shmuel blinked and shook his head. It was quite extraordinary.


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[Assistant] If it wasn't for the fact that Bruno was nowhere near as skinny as the boys on his side of the fence, and not quite so pale either, it would have been difficult to tell them apart. It was almost, Schmuel thought, as if they were all exactly the same, really. You know what this reminds me of? asked Bruno, and Schmuel shook his head. What? he asked.


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[Assistant] It reminds me of grandmother, he said. You remember I told you about her? The one who died? Shmuel nodded.


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[Assistant] It reminds me of the play she used to put on with Gretel and me, Bruno said, looking away from Schmuel as he remembered those days back in Berlin. Part of the very few memories now that refuse to fade.


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[Assistant] It reminds me of how she always had the right costume for me to wear.


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[Assistant] You wear the right outfit and you feel like the person you're pretending to be, she always told me. I suppose that's what I'm doing, isn't it? Pretending to be a person from the other side of the fence. A Jew, you mean, said Shmuel. Yes, said Bruno, shifting on his feet a little uncomfortably. That's right. Shmuel pointed at Bruno's feet and the heavy boots he had taken from the house. You'll have to leave them behind too, he said.


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[Assistant] Bruno looked appalled, but the mud, he said, you can't expect me to go barefoot. You'll be recognized otherwise, said Schmool. You don't have any choice. Bruno sighed, but he knew that his friend was right.


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[Assistant] And he took off the boots and his socks and left them beside the pile of clothes on the ground. At first it felt horrible putting his bare feet into so much mud.


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[Assistant] They sank down to his ankles and every time he lifted a foot it felt worse. But then he started to rather enjoy it.


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[Assistant] Shmuel reached down and lifted the base of the fence, but it only lifted to a certain height, and Bruno had no choice but to roll under it, getting his striped pajamas completely covered in mud as he did so. He laughed when he looked down at himself.


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[Assistant] And instead they began the walk away from the fence and towards the camp.


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[Assistant] A walk that Shmuel had done almost every day for a year now when he had escaped the eyes of the soldiers and managed to get to that one part of Outwith that didn't seem to be guarded all the time. A place where he had been lucky enough to meet a friend, like Bruno.


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[Assistant] There were crowds of people sitting together in groups staring at the ground looking horribly sad. They all had one thing in common. They were all terribly skinny. And their eyes were sunken. And they all had shaved heads.


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[Assistant] Which Bruno thought must have meant there had been an outbreak of lice here too.


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[Assistant] In one corner Bruno could see three soldiers who seemed to be in charge of a group of about twenty men.


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[Assistant] They were shouting at them and some of the men had fallen to their knees and were remaining there with their heads in their hands.


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[Assistant] Either happy, laughing, shouting soldiers in their uniforms,


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[Assistant] I don't think I like it here, said Bruno after a while. Neither do I, said Schmuel. I think I ought to go home, said Bruno. Schmuel stopped walking and stared at him. But Papa, he said, you said you'd help me find him. Bruno thought about it. He had promised his friend that.


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[Assistant] And he wasn't the sort to go back on a promise, especially when it was the last time they were going to see each other. All right, he said, although he felt a lot less confident now than he had before. But where should we look? You said we'd need to find evidence, said Shmuel, who's feeling upset because he thought that if Bruno didn't help him, then who would? Evidence, yes, said Bruno, nodding his head. You're right, let's start looking.


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[Assistant] So Bruno kept his word and the two boys spent an hour and a half searching the camp looking for evidence.


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[Assistant] They weren't sure exactly what they were looking for, but Bruno kept stating that a good explorer would know it when he found it.


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[Assistant] But they didn't find anything at all that might give them a clue to Schmool's Papa's disappearance. And it started to get darker.


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[Assistant] Bruno looked up at the sky and it looked like it might rain again. I'm sorry Schmuel, he said eventually. I'm sorry we didn't find any evidence. Schmuel nodded his head sadly. He wasn't really surprised. He hadn't really expected to. But it had been nice having his friend over to see where he lived all the same. I think I ought to go home now, said Bruno. Will you walk back to the fence with me?


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[Assistant] Shmuel opened his mouth to answer, but right at that moment there was a loud whistle, and


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[Assistant] More than Bruno had ever seen gathered together in one place before, surrounded an area of the camp, the area in which Bruno and Schmuel were standing. What's happening? whispered Bruno. What's going on? It happens sometimes, said Schmuel. They make people go on marches. Marches? said Bruno appalled. I can't go on a march. I have to be home in time for dinner. It's roast beef tonight. Shh, said Schmuel, putting a finger to his lips. Don't say anything or they get angry.


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[Assistant] Bruno frowned, but was relieved that all the people in striped pajamas from this part of the camp were gathering together now, most of them being pushed together by the soldiers, so that he and Shmuel were hidden in the center of them and couldn't be seen.


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[Assistant] And this time the group of people, which must have numbered about a hundred, started to march slowly together, with Bruno and Schmuel still held together in the centre.


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[Assistant] And as he did so there was another loud sound, this time the sound of thunder overhead, and just as quickly the sky seemed to grow even darker, almost black, and rain poured down even more heavily than it had in the morning. Bruno closed his eyes for a moment, and felt it wash over him.


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[Assistant] When he opened them again, he wasn't so much marching as being swept along by the group of people.


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[Assistant] He found there was no more rain coming down anymore because they were all piling into a long room that was surprisingly warm.


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[Assistant] I must have been very securely built because no rain was getting in anywhere. In fact, it felt completely airtight.


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[Assistant] Well that's something, he said. Glad to be out of the storm for a few minutes at least. I expect we'll have to wait here till it eases off, and then I'll get to go home.


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[Assistant] Schmuel gathered himself very close to Bruno, and looked up at him in fright.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry we didn't find your papa, said Bruno. It's all right, said Shmuel. And I'm sorry we didn't really get to play.


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[Assistant] But when you come to Berlin, that's what we'll do, and I'll introduce you to


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[Assistant] Oh, what were their names again? he asked himself, frustrated because they were supposed to be his three best friends for life, but they had all vanished from his memory now. He couldn't remember any of their names, and he couldn't picture any of their faces. Actually, he said, looking down at Shmuel, it doesn't matter whether I do or don't. They're not my best friends any more anyway. He looked down and did something quite out of character for him.


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[Assistant] He took hold of Schmuel's tiny hand in his and squeezed it tightly.


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[Assistant] You're my best friend, Shmuel, he said. My best friend for life.


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[Assistant] Shmool may well have opened his mouth to say something back, but Bruno never heard it because at that moment there was a loud gasp from all the marchers who had filled the room, as the door at the front was suddenly closed.


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[Assistant] Bruno raised an eyebrow, unable to understand the sense of all this, but he assumed that it had something to do with keeping the rain out and stopping people from catching cold.


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[Assistant] And then the room went very dark, and somehow, despite the chaos that followed,


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[Assistant] It was like a dream, walking along that familiar road with so strange and so mysterious a companion at my side.


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[Assistant] There was a note of suspicion in the strange question, and when I said I knew no baronets, she seemed relieved.


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[Assistant] I questioned her further, and she murmured that she had been cruelly used by a baronet she would not name.


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[Assistant] She told me she came from Hampshire and asked if I lived in London. I explained that I did, but that I was leaving for Cumberland the next day. Cumberland? she repeated softly. Ah, I wish I was going there too.


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[Assistant] I was once happy in Cumberland, in Limeridge Village. I'd like to see Limeridge House again. Limeridge House? I stopped, amazed. What's wrong? she asked anxiously. Did you hear anybody calling after us?


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[Assistant] No, no, it's just that I heard the name of Limeridge House very recently. Do you know somebody there? I did once, she said, but Mrs Fairleigh is dead, and her husband is dead.


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[Assistant] And their little girl may be married and gone away.


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[Assistant] Perhaps she would have told me more, but just at that moment we saw a cab. I stopped it and she quickly got in.


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[Assistant] Please, I said, let me see you safely to your friend's house. No, no, she cried. I'm quite safe, and you must let me go. Remember your promise. But thank you. Oh, thank you.


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[Assistant] She caught my hand in hers, kissed it, and pushed it away. The cab disappeared into the black shadows on the road, and the woman in white had gone.


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[Assistant] He shook my hand, and without another word he went away to catch his train back to London. After he had gone I tried to be sensible. Mr Fairley was Laura's guardian.


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[Assistant] And if he chose to accept this agreement, there was nothing I could do about it.


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[Assistant] It was just one more worry about this dreadful marriage. A more immediate worry was the date of the wedding.


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[Assistant] When I told Laura, she turned pale and trembled.


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[Assistant] It will only make more trouble. Please tell my uncle I agree.


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[Assistant] I think I would have cried if I had not been so angry. I rushed into Mr. Fairley's room and shouted loudly, Laura agrees to the 22nd, and rushed out again, banging the door noisily.


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[Assistant] I hoped I had destroyed his nerves for the whole day.


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[Assistant] We hope you've enjoyed this unabridged production of When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead.


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[Assistant] This program is produced by Dan Musselman and directed by Jessica Kay.


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[Assistant] Text Copyright 2009 by Rebecca Stead.


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[Assistant] Production Copyright 2009 Random House, Inc. All rights reserved.


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[Assistant] The dressmakers came and went all the time. There was packing and planning and all kinds of arrangements to make. We heard every day from Sir Percival.


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[Assistant] After the wedding he proposed to take Laura to Italy for six months.


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[Assistant] They would meet a number of Sir Percival's friends there, including his best and oldest friend, Count Fosco, whose wife, of course, was Laura's Aunt Eleanor.


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[Assistant] At least this marriage would bring Laura and her aunt together again, I thought.


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[Assistant] The Count himself sounded a most interesting person, and I rather hoped that I would meet him one day.


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[Assistant] All too quickly the days passed. Sir Percival arrived, looking a little tired and anxious, but talking and laughing like the happiest of men.


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[Assistant] The evening after he arrived he went off to the village to ask if anyone had any news of Anne Catherick. No one had heard anything.


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[Assistant] But I had to admit it was good of him to continue to try to help her. I have decided to try and think better of him.


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[Assistant] After all, what reason do I have to distrust him? I'm sure that I could like him if I really tried. It is getting quite easy to like him.


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[Assistant] Today I spoke to him about the dearest wish of both Laura and myself.


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[Assistant] I would be the ideal, the perfect companion for his wife he said. Yes, I'm beginning to like Sir Percival very much.


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[Assistant] And in the afternoon he left for London, looking rather sad and thoughtful.


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[Assistant] Wondering what had been said, I hurried up to Laura's room.


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[Assistant] Oh Marion, come in, she said. I need to talk to you. What is it, Laura? Is it about the marriage agreement?


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[Assistant] No, I couldn't even bear to discuss that with Mr. Gilmore.


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[Assistant] I'm ashamed to say that all I could do was cry.


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[Assistant] He was very kind and good, Marion, and he said that he would look after everything for me.


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[Assistant] No, what I wanted to tell you was this. I cannot bear the situation any longer. I must end it.


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[Assistant] But I want to tell the truth, and I will confess to Sir Percival that I love someone else.


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[Assistant] He has no right to know that, I said in amazement. I cannot deceive him, she said. I have thought it over carefully. After I have told him, let him do as he wishes.


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[Assistant] I looked into her innocent, loving eyes and could say nothing. I just put my arms around her, trying not to cry myself. May I speak to him tomorrow in your presence, Marion? I held her tight and agreed.


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[Assistant] Though I was not sure I was doing the right thing. Indeed, I was not sure of anything.


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[Assistant] I could not understand how I had failed to see how deeply she loved Walter Hartright.


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[Assistant] For the first time in my life I had made a mistake about her. Now I realized that she would love him all her life.


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[Assistant] Up in my room I could not stop myself thinking about this private discussion between Sir Percival and the Count.


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[Assistant] Postponed all day, and now, it seemed, about to take place in the silence and loneliness of the night.


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[Assistant] After a while I went from my bedroom into my sitting-room and closed the door between the rooms. It was dark, as no candles were lit, and I looked out of the open window for some time, down into the blackness of the garden.


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[Assistant] There was a smell like rain in the still heavier.


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[Assistant] Suddenly I saw two red points of light advancing in the dark and stopping below my bedroom window, inside which a candle was burning. One red point was small, the other was big. The Count smoking a cigarette, and Sir Percival smoking a cigar, I think. They could not see me in the darkness of my sitting-room, so I waited to hear what they said. Why don't you come in and sit down?


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[Assistant] Wait till we see that light go out, replied the Count.


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[Assistant] When I know she's in bed and I have checked the rooms on each side of the library, then we will talk. Such secrecy!


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[Assistant] I decided I must listen to this conversation in spite of the Count's efforts to keep it private. The idea terrified me, but Laura's happiness, perhaps even her life, might depend on what I heard. How could I do it?


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[Assistant] I realised I could get out onto the flat veranda roof, which ran past the bedrooms, about three feet below the windows. It was narrow.


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[Assistant] But there was room to move along it till I was above the library window.


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[Assistant] The Count and Sir Percival usually sat near the open window, smoking, and if they did, I would be able to hear them from above.


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[Assistant] Our life returned to its usual pattern, but I did not forget the Count. I discovered that he had rented his house in St John's Wood for another six months, so I was fairly sure he would still be in London, within my reach, when the time came to act.


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[Assistant] We finally solved the puzzle of who Anne Catherick's father was.


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[Assistant] When I went again to see Mrs. Clements and to tell her about Anne's death,


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[Assistant] She remembered where Miss Catharick had worked as a servant. Her employer had been a Mr. Donthorn.


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[Assistant] We wrote to Mr. Donthorn who replied with some very interesting information.


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[Assistant] Mr. Donthorn was fairly certain that Philip Farley had been staying at his house when Mrs. Catherick was employed as a servant, in the year before Anne was born.


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[Assistant] When Marion and I checked the dates, when we considered that Anna Laura looked so alike,


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[Assistant] And when we took into account the fact that Laura looked very much like her father, we were in no doubt that here was the solution. Philip Farley was Anne's father, and so Anne was Laura's half-sister.


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[Assistant] Now, at last, the woman in white, that strange sad shadow, walking in the lowliness of the night, could rest in peace.


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[Assistant] My sister has always had delicate health, I said.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she's not strong. Anyway, Miss Halcombe, it was at this point that disturbing things started to happen.


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[Assistant] First the Count and Mr Dawson argued again so fiercely that Mr Dawson left, saying he refused to offer his services any more.


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[Assistant] Next, Sir Percival told me that he was going to close the house. As soon as you and Lady Glide were able to travel, he said, you would be going away for a change of air. He told me to dismiss all the servants, except a girl to do the cooking and a gardener. Imagine, just like that!


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[Assistant] I tell you, Miss Halcombe, if I hadn't felt so sorry for you and Lady Glide, I would have resigned at once.


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[Assistant] The last thing was very strange indeed, said Mrs. Mittelson, shaking her head.


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[Assistant] Sir Percival said that you and Lady Glide would benefit from a stay at the seaside town of Torquay.


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[Assistant] He told me to go there to look for a suitable house to rent, and told me how much money I could pay. Well, I knew it wasn't enough, and I wish now that I hadn't gone.


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[Assistant] But he was my employer, so I thought I had to obey his orders. I returned yesterday,


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[Assistant] Sir Percival showed no interest in my news at all. He just said that the Count and Countess had left Blackwater Park for their new house in London.


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[Assistant] So uhm,


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[Assistant] So uhm,


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[Assistant] Okay.


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[Assistant] So uhm,


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[Assistant] You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.


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[Assistant] Love one another, but make not a bond of love.


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[Assistant] Sing and dance together and be joyous. But let each one of you be alone.


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[Assistant] This is Rose Ellen Brown reading How to Win from the Massachusetts Review.


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[Assistant] All they need at school is permission on a little green card that says, Keep this child at bay.


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[Assistant] Muffle him, tie his hands, his arms to his ankles, anything at all. Distance, distance. Dose him. And they gave themselves permission. They never even mentioned a doctor and their own certified bureaucrat in tweed.


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[Assistant] Well, Howard can be as holy as he likes. I am his mother. And I will not say him. Him is the part I know.


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[Assistant] Christopher, my first child and first son. The boy who was a helpless warm mound once in a blue nightie tied at the bottom to keep his toes in. God, Margaret.


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[Assistant] Tearing the petals off the flowers and stomping them, real or fake, to a powder. Watch Christopher take a room sometimes.


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[Assistant] That's the word for it like an army subduing a deserted plane.


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[Assistant] He stands in the doorway, always for one extra split split second.


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[Assistant] Straining his shoulders down as though he's hitching himself to some machine, getting into harness. He has no hips and round little six-year-old shoulders that look frail but are made of welded steel that has no give when you grab them. Then what does he see ahead of him? I'm no good at guessing. The room is an animal asleep, trusting the air its last mistake.


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[Assistant] See, I am sympathetic to the animal. He leaps on it and leaves it disemboweled.


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[Assistant] Then turns his dark eyes to me where I stand. When I stand, usually I'm dervishing around trying to stop the bloodshed. And they ask me, where did it go?