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[Assistant] Miss Jessel died. We all know it. Flora and I know it. She's not there and she can't be there. This has all been a terrible game. A cruel game. And now it's all over. Come little Flora, let's quickly go back to the house.


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[Assistant] Why are you so terrible to me? There's no one there and there never has been anyone. I hate you!


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[Assistant] Their control over you is too strong, and it seems you prefer them to me. I have tried very hard to help you, but I failed. Goodbye, Flora.


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[Assistant] Chapter 3 Meeting Martha When Mary woke up, the sun was shining. She looked around her room. It had a lot of nice furniture, but it wasn't very cheerful. It was more like an adult's room than a child's.


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[Assistant] She was surprised to see a young woman in her room who was making a fire in the fireplace. She wore a maid's uniform.


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[Assistant] Mary looked out the window at the grasslands. The grass was dry and brown because it was winter. There were no trees or bushes growing on it.


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[Assistant] Oh yes, in spring the grass is green and the birds are singing.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't live away from the Moors not if you paid me. Mary listened to Martha talk. She thought this servant was very strange.


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[Assistant] In India, the servants never talked to their masters like that, as if the masters were their friends. Indian servants only spoke when spoken to. They were always quiet and obedient.


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[Assistant] Mary had always hit her i.e. in the face when she was angry. Mary looked at this young English woman.


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[Assistant] I'm too plain, and I don't speak like an educated lady. But this is a strange house, even though it seems so fancy.


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[Assistant] Mrs. Medlock gave me a job here because she's a friend of my family.


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[Assistant] She said I couldn't work here if this house was like other rich people's houses.


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[Assistant] Mary didn't understand what Martha was talking about. What do you mean? Who's going to dress me? Martha stared at her. What? Can't you dress yourself? No, I never dressed myself in my life. My Aiee always dressed me, said Mary. She didn't like this servant.


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[Assistant] She didn't seem to know that servants weren't supposed to talk this way.


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[Assistant] It's because there are so many black people in India instead of nice, normal, white people.


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[Assistant] When I heard you were coming from India, I thought you were black too. Now Mary was really angry. What? She shouted. You thought I was a black person? How dare you? You daughter of a pig. Instead of looking sorry, however, Martha just looked angry. Who are you calling names? She said. A young lady shouldn't talk that way.


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[Assistant] I've always thought black people must be very nice. I heard that they are very religious. I was hoping to see one. When I came into your room this morning, I walked over to your bed to see you. And there you were. You're not any blacker than I am.


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[Assistant] You're just very yellow, Martha said. She seemed disappointed that Mary wasn't an Indian.


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[Assistant] I can't believe you thought I was a native Indian. You know nothing about India. The natives aren't people.


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[Assistant] She did not understand this strange new country or its customs. She felt terribly lonely, and everyone she knew was dead. She began to cry. Martha looked upset. There, there, don't cry, she said. I didn't know you'd be angry. You're right. I don't know anything.


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[Assistant] You mustn't cry, Miss Mary," she said gently. Soon, Mary stopped crying. She felt a little better. Martha looked very relieved. Now it's time for you to get up. Mrs. Medlock told me to bring you, your meals, into the room next to this. I'll help you with your clothes.


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[Assistant] Why don't you put on your shoes? asked Martha. My IE did it, said Mary. It was the custom.


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[Assistant] If Martha had been a well-trained maid for a rich lady, then things would have been different. Martha would have been quiet and obedient to Mary. But Martha was only a poor Yorkshire girl who had many small brothers and sisters.


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[Assistant] These children always dressed and fed themselves.


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[Assistant] So it is understandable that Martha thought Mary was a very strange girl. As for Mary...


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[Assistant] She had never known a servant who talked as much as Martha. In India, the servants were always quiet. At first, Mary was not interested in Martha's talk, but soon she began to listen. Martha was talking about her family. Oh, you should see them all, she said. There are twelve of us, and my father has a hard time making money.


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[Assistant] It's hard for Mother to find food for everyone. But the children just run and play outside. Mother says the fresh air fattens them up. Perhaps they eat the grass, just like our Dickens pony. Where did he get the pony? Ask Mary.


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[Assistant] Mary had never had an animal of her own. She had always thought she might like one. She began to feel a little interested in Dickon. This was important.


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[Assistant] Because Mary had never been interested in anyone but herself.


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[Assistant] What? said Martha. You don't want your breakfast? No. You don't know how good it is, said Martha. I don't want it, repeated Mary. Hmm, said Martha. I can't stand to see good food be wasted. I wish my brothers and sisters were here. They would eat everything in two minutes. Why? asked Mary.


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[Assistant] I don't understand people who just stare at good bread and meat.


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[Assistant] Don't I wish Dickon and Phil and Jane had what's on this table? Why don't you take it to them? asked Mary. It's not mine, said Martha firmly. Mary drank some tea and ate a little toast. When she had finished, Martha said, well, there's nothing for you to do in the house. You should go outside and play. Who will go with me? Mary asked.


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[Assistant] You'll go by yourself, Martha said. You'll have to play alone, just like my brothers and sisters do.


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[Assistant] Our Dicken goes off alone by himself and plays for hours. That's how he met his pony. There are wild sheep that know him too. Even if there's a little to eat.


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[Assistant] Dickon always saves a bit of bread to give to his pets.


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[Assistant] The mention of Dickon and his animals made Mary decide to go out.


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[Assistant] She wanted to see if the birds of England were different from those in India.


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[Assistant] If you walk around the outside of the house, you'll find the gardens, said Martha. There are lots of flowers in the summer, but there's nothing growing now, she said. Then she thought for a moment. One of the gardens is locked up, she said. There's a wall around it.


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[Assistant] Just like the other gardens, but there's no door to this garden. No one has been inside it for ten years. Mary turned and looked at Martha. This was something interesting. Why? She asked. It was Mr. Craven's wife's garden. She loved it. When she died, Mr. Craven had the garden shut up. He dug a hole and buried the key. Oh,


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[Assistant] I hear Mrs. Medlock's bell ringing. I must go. Martha hurried away.


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[Assistant] Please, it is very important that you stay away. Please!


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[Assistant] Chapter 3. The Lawrence Boy. Joe, Joe, where are you? cried Meg, at the bottom of the stairs. Here, answered her sister from above.


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[Assistant] Meg found her eating apples and crying over the latest novel she was reading. Such fun!


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[Assistant] You and I have received an invitation from Mrs. Gardner for a dance she's having tomorrow night to celebrate New Year's Eve. Oh, now what shall we wear? cried Meg.


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[Assistant] You must sit still to make sure no one sees the back of your dress, instructed Meg.


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[Assistant] Meg immediately went off with a few of the older girls, whispering and laughing as she went. Joe, however, did not care much for girls and remained away from the crowd, with her back carefully against the wall. No one came to talk to her, and soon she was left alone. She could not walk around and amuse herself, as the burn on her dress would show. When the dancing began,


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[Assistant] Meg was asked immediately. Joe saw a young man approaching her, and fearing he meant to ask her to dance, she went to hide in a dark room nearby, hoping to enjoy herself quietly. Unfortunately, another shy person had gone there as well.


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[Assistant] Said the boy, sitting down near Joe.


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[Assistant] Laurie then told her about his days in Switzerland schools and travels around France, Italy, and Germany, among other places.


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[Assistant] The two chatted till they felt like old friends. Joe liked the Lawrence boy more than ever and took several good looks at him so she could describe him to the girls, for they had no brothers.


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[Assistant] Aren't you fifteen? asked Joe, looking at the tall boy whom she had thought to be seventeen already.


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[Assistant] But Lori didn't laugh and spoke very gently.


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[Assistant] Joe thanked him, and gladly went. The hall was empty, and both were delighted with the others dancing. When the music stopped, they sat down on the stairs to rest, when Joe heard Meg calling for her. Joe found her in one of the side rooms, sitting on the sofa, holding her foot. I've heard my foot dancing. It aches terribly, and I can hardly stand.


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[Assistant] I don't know how I'm ever going to get home, she said, looking pale with pain.


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[Assistant] I can't stay here, for the house is full. Sally has some girls staying with her, and renting a carriage would be quite expensive. I'll rest till Hannah comes, and then I'll try to walk. I'll ask Laurie, he will go, said Joe. Dear no, don't ask or tell anyone. Now watch for Hannah, and tell me the minute she comes.


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[Assistant] Bring me some coffee. I'm awfully tired. So Meg waited on the sofa and Joe went to the dining room.


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[Assistant] Said a friendly voice. And there was Lori, with a full cup of coffee in his hand.


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[Assistant] I'll show you where she is. As if used to waiting on ladies, Lori brought up a little table and soon went for another cup of coffee for Joe.


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[Assistant] And was so polite that Meg soon declared him to be a nice boy.


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[Assistant] They had a wonderful time drinking coffee and eating candies before Hannah arrived to take them home. Meg forgot her foot and began to stand up, but fell to the floor with a cry of pain. Don't say anything, she whispered to her sister. It's nothing. I turned my foot a little, that's all. She explained to Hannah as she went upstairs to fetch her things.


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[Assistant] While Meg was upstairs crying in pain, Joe decided she must help and ran downstairs to find Lori. She explained her situation.


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[Assistant] Chapter 13 Colin You never know what the weather will be like in England.


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[Assistant] Mary laid in bed and listened to the sound of rain and wind on the moors. She couldn't go back to sleep. How loud the wind was!


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[Assistant] The wind sounds just like someone lost outside and crying, she thought. She had been lying in bed awake for one hour when something made her sit up. She listened carefully. It isn't the wind, she said to herself. I do hear someone crying. It's the same sound as before. Mary got out of bed and opened her door. She looked up and down the hall.


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[Assistant] Softly she walked down the hall towards the noise.


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[Assistant] She knew she had to find the beautiful curtain with the door behind it.


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[Assistant] And soon she was standing in front of the beautiful curtain. She pushed it aside and opened the door behind it. Now she was standing in a short passage. She could hear the crying very clearly now, but it wasn't loud. It was coming from behind one of the walls.


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[Assistant] Mary saw a door a few feet down the passage. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door. What would she find? She saw a large, beautiful room. In the middle of the room there was a bed and on the bed a boy lay. He looked about her age and he was crying unhappily. Mary wondered if she was dreaming. She hadn't expected to find another child.


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[Assistant] The boy had a small white face, thick dark hair, and enormous gray eyes. He looked like he'd been sick, but he was crying as if he was only tired. Now he stared at Mary. Who are you? He whispered. He looked very scared.


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[Assistant] Mary was just as frightened. No, I'm not. Are you? He stared at her.


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[Assistant] I'm Mary Lennox. Mr. Craven is my uncle, said Mary.


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[Assistant] Said the boy. Mary was shocked. He's your father? But why didn't they tell me he had a son? Colin didn't answer her immediately.


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[Assistant] He said. Mary walked over to the bed.


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[Assistant] I'm not a dream, said Mary. Here, touch my hand. That feels real, doesn't it? When I came in here, I thought you might be a dream too.


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[Assistant] So, no one told you I had come to live here?


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[Assistant] Oh I knew this house was strange, Mary said. Everything is like a secret. Are you locked in this room?


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[Assistant] Does your father come and see you? asked Mary.


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[Assistant] I didn't either when I first came here, said Mary. Colin didn't take his eyes off of Mary.


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[Assistant] He said, It isn't. We're both awake and everyone else is asleep. Wait a minute. If you don't like people to see you, do you want me to go away? asked Mary. Colin grabbed her sleeping gown.


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[Assistant] Mary made herself comfortable. She was curious about Colin too. What do you want to know?


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[Assistant] He wanted to know where her room was and what she had been doing. Did she hate them more? Like he did? Where had she lived before? Mary answered his many questions.


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[Assistant] Colin made her tell him about India and about her journey across the ocean. Mary discovered that because Colin had been sick, he hadn't learned as much as other children. He had never been to school. One of his nurses had taught him to read when he was little.


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[Assistant] Colin had been given all sorts of nice toys and books because his father was wealthy. He didn't seem to like them much, however. He could have anything he wanted and never did anything he didn't want to do.


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[Assistant] I'm ten, said Mary, the same age as you.


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[Assistant] Because when you were born, the garden door was locked and the key was hidden. And it has been locked for ten years, said Mary. Colin sat up in bed a little.


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[Assistant] He asked, very interested. There's, there's this garden that Mr. Craven hates, said Mary nervously.


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[Assistant] He locked the door and no one knows where he hid the key.


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[Assistant] Asked Colin, I don't know. No one has seen it for 10 years, said Mary slowly. She hadn't wanted to talk about the garden, but she couldn't help it. Colin was too much like herself, all alone with nothing to do. He asked many questions. Where was it? Had Mary ever looked for the door? Hadn't she asked the gardeners?


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[Assistant] I think they've been told not to answer questions.


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[Assistant] Said Colin. Mary began to feel really frightened.


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[Assistant] If Colin could make people talk about the garden, who knew what would happen?


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[Assistant] She didn't realize that she and Colin had been raised in a similar way. They were very alike.


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[Assistant] To Mary, it seemed that Colin thought the whole world belonged to him. Do you really think you'll die? She asked him. She wanted to make him forget the garden.


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[Assistant] Well, I suppose, said Mary in a low voice.


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[Assistant] Said Colin. Mary was horrified. Everything would be ruined. Dickon would never come back. No, don't, don't do that, please. She cried. But you said you wanted to see it. Said Colin. Mary felt like crying. I do. She said quickly. But if you tell everyone about it, then it won't be a secret anymore. One day.


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[Assistant] Maybe we could find it by ourselves. I mean, if there was a door, then it would be our garden. No one would know about it. Colin thought for a moment.


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[Assistant] If you don't tell, I feel sure I can find out how to enter the garden. We could find a nice boy to push you in your chair. And we could go there alone.


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[Assistant] Perhaps we can go and plant some seeds and make the garden come alive again. I think it must be almost dead now, but maybe we could make some flowers grow.


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[Assistant] said Colin softly He was feeling very sleepy and comfortable.


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[Assistant] And told him about what trees and bushes might be inside the garden and how many birds might build their nest there because it was safe. She pretended she'd never seen the garden before.


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[Assistant] Then she told him about the Robin and Ben Weatherstaff. Colin enjoyed listening to Mary talk. And his eyes began to close.


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[Assistant] He felt peaceful and calm for the first time in a long while. Mary felt a little worried. Colin?


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[Assistant] Answered Colin. So am I. I'll come as often as I can. Said Mary. But I am going to be busy, you know. I have to find that garden door.


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[Assistant] Now Mary was feeling sleepy herself. I've been here a long time. She said. You must feel sleepy. Should I go away now?


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[Assistant] Close your eyes and I'll sing you an Indian song Maya Yee used to sing to me, said Mary.


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[Assistant] Somehow she didn't want him to be awake and alone when she left. She took his hand gently and sang softly.


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[Assistant] Soon his large gray eyes were closed and Mary could see he was sleeping deeply. She took her candle and left the room as softly as a ghost.


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[Assistant] You're beginning to look like a real little girl. You're a little fatter and not so yellow and ugly. When you first came here, I said to myself,


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[Assistant] I've never seen an uglier, more sour-faced child.


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[Assistant] You'll come and talk to me when you haven't got anyone better. I know what you've been doing. You've been seeing some Lady Robin.


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[Assistant] You'll be telling her, you're the bravest bird on the moor.


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[Assistant] You know how to amaze a fellow, that's for sure.


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[Assistant] Oh, sweet smelling flowers. Mostly roses.


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[Assistant] Yes I do. A young lady I worked for loved them. And she taught me all about them. She had a lot of roses in a place she liked. And she loved them like they were children.


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[Assistant] Well, for a few years after she died, I went and took care of the roses. I don't do that anymore, because I'm old and stiff. But I think many of them lived.


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[Assistant] When the spring comes, look at the branches of the rose plants.


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[Assistant] Now look here. Go and play. You ask too many questions. I'm finished talking for today.


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[Assistant] I stood up so slowly because wild animals don't like it when you move fast. You have to move slow and speak softly.


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[Assistant] Here are some poppy seeds, and here's some Meganette.


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[Assistant] Mignette flowers are the sweetest smelling in the world. They'll grow wherever you plant them. The same as the poppies.


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[Assistant] I'll plant them for you myself. Where's your garden?


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[Assistant] If I couldn't keep secrets from the other boys about animals, nests, and things, then no animal on the moor would be safe. Yes, I can keep secrets.


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[Assistant] The following morning, after I had finished class with the children, Mrs. Groves asked me if I had written the letter. I answered that I had, but I did not tell her that I had not yet sent it out. I did not feel there was any great hurry that morning.


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[Assistant] So I kept it in my pocket to give to the mailman whenever I saw him. The children behaved extremely well that morning.


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[Assistant] They did their math exercises very easily and much faster than I could have done them.


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[Assistant] I felt that Miles' good behavior was a way for him to prove to me that he did not plan to help himself, as I had asked him to. There was no sign of worry or sadness in the boy. It was as if nothing had happened the night before.


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[Assistant] It made the mystery of his dismissal from school that much greater.


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[Assistant] Even if truly terrible spirits were influencing the boy.


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[Assistant] It was hard for me to imagine him ever doing anything truly evil. He was even sweeter later on, when after dinner he offered to play piano for me. While he played,


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[Assistant] I could not help feeling that his purpose was to say, you see, I never really intended to go away to another school.


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[Assistant] I was just trying to make a point to you about how I wanted to be left alone a little more.


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[Assistant] His playing was excellent and I listened very carefully as I sat next to the fireplace.


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[Assistant] After half an hour had passed, I suddenly woke up from the dream his playing had put me in, and realized that Flora had not been with us the whole time.


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[Assistant] I sat up straight and asked Miles if he knew where she was. He did not answer right away, but waited until he had finished the song he was playing. I have no idea.


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[Assistant] A large smile then opened up on his face, and he immediately began another song. I ran upstairs to see if Flora was in our bedroom. She was not.


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[Assistant] I searched every room on the second floor, but found her nowhere. I guessed then that she was with Mrs. Gross.


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[Assistant] However, when I found the housekeeper, she was alone.


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[Assistant] She herself had thought that I had taken both children with me after dinner. It was natural for her to think this, because up until now, I had never left the children alone.


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[Assistant] There was still the possibility that Flora was with one of the other cleaners somewhere in the house.


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[Assistant] We decided to stay calm and search the home separately. However, when we met up again a little while later,


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[Assistant] And could see in one another's faces that Flora was still missing. We both began to feel terribly worried.


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[Assistant] Mrs. Groves stood silently. She looked very upset. When I touched her shoulder, she did not show that she felt anything. Then, turning to me, she asked,


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[Assistant] I said with a calmness that clearly surprised Mrs. Grose.


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[Assistant] Feeling around in my pocket, I took out the letter and threw it on the table before us.


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[Assistant] I then walked into the entrance way, and opened the front door to go out.


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[Assistant] I turned and saw Mrs. Groves had still not moved.


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[Assistant] I then continued out the door and down the path away from the house. I heard her shout behind me.


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[Assistant] Mrs. Gross said with fear in her voice, She then began to follow me down the path.


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[Assistant] Yes dear, it will please him very much, and be a nice way of thanking him. The girls will help you, and I will pay for the material.


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[Assistant] Yes, all for you, my precious. Isn't it splendid of him?


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[Assistant] Don't you think he's the dearest old man in the world?


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[Assistant] We didn't open the letter, but we are dying to know what he says, cried Jo, hugging her sister.


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[Assistant] Oh, it is too lovely. Miss March, Dear Madam, I have had many pairs of slippers in my life.


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[Assistant] But I never had any that suited me so well as yours.


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[Assistant] I hope you will allow me to send you something that once belonged to the little granddaughter I once had.


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[Assistant] Now that's an honor to be proud of, I'm sure.


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[Assistant] Laurie told me how fond Mr. Lawrence used to be of the child who died, and how he kept all her little things carefully. He's given you her piano. You'll have to go and thank him, said Joe.


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[Assistant] Mornings, especially sunny mornings, only sadden me now. I know why I suffer so much. I have brought all of this upon myself. It is no one else's fault. I am a different person now.


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[Assistant] Before, I looked at everything around me in a romantic and happy way. Not anymore.


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[Assistant] I feel that my soul is badly hurt and cannot be repaired. Nothing helps me to feel better now. Not even nature can bring a smile to my lips.


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[Assistant] I look at the countryside around me and feel nothing but emptiness inside. I cannot even cry any longer.


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[Assistant] I have found myself praying to God for tears. Just like the farmer might pray for rain.


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[Assistant] God however, does not give these things in order to please one sad person.


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[Assistant] Why can't I appreciate the things that he has already given me?


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[Assistant] Why must I only think of the things I have lost?


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[Assistant] Charlotte gently criticized me recently for my behavior. I have started to drink more than usual.


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[Assistant] Oh, I would do anything for her, if she only knew what I would do for her. I said, thoughts of you never leave my mind. Why, just the other day I...


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[Assistant] She interrupted me and began talking about something else in order to prevent me from saying too much. I am completely in her hands. She can do with me whatever she wishes.


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[Assistant] Again Wilhelm, I appreciate your concern and suggestions for helping myself. But I must ask you to just let me suffer.


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[Assistant] I suffer greatly, but I can still manage to go on with my life. I am not at death's door.


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[Assistant] Religion is useful for people who suffer much. Especially the dying.


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[Assistant] I feel, however, that God has forgotten about me. He does not hear my prayers to him.


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[Assistant] Life is nothing but movement from one sad thing to another. It was this way for Jesus, the Son of God.


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[Assistant] I do not think she is aware of the dangerous drink she is making for the two of us. It will certainly kill us both.


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[Assistant] I happily accept the drink, because I cannot help myself. Why does she always give me such gentle looks? Alright, maybe she does not always do this, but occasionally.


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[Assistant] Sometimes she seems to enjoy the moments when I pour my heart out to her and tell her how I feel. Sometimes, she seems to pity me.


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[Assistant] What did she mean by that? Never had she talked to me in such a way.


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[Assistant] Her voice keeps repeating those words in my brain again and again.


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[Assistant] I even said it aloud to myself before going to sleep last night.


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[Assistant] I visited her and she greeted me with only a look of silent pity. This moved me very much. If I had had the courage, I would have kissed her. In order to break the uncomfortable moment, she went to her piano and played a beautiful song. She sang too.


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[Assistant] As I listened to her voice combine with the sound of the piano, my eyes saw nothing but those beautiful lips of hers, releasing the most beautiful sounds in the world.


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[Assistant] If I could kiss those lips just once, I could die happily. November 30th I am changed forever.


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[Assistant] Today, I met a man while walking along the riverbank. His clothing was in terrible condition. When I came closer to him,


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[Assistant] I saw a look of calm sadness on his face.


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[Assistant] I'm trying to find some flowers, he answered.


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[Assistant] But there are no flowers at this time of year, I said.


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[Assistant] Oh no no no. There are plenty in my garden now. And very beautiful ones too. I don't see any out here though. It was clear that something was very wrong with him.


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[Assistant] From curiosity I asked him why he was looking for flowers.


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[Assistant] I'm going to give them to my lover, he whispered. She is very beautiful and wealthy.


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[Assistant] I only wish I could give her more, but the king still hasn't paid me. Oh, how happy I used to be. If only I could feel that way again.


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[Assistant] Just then, an elderly lady some distance away began shouting for the man to come back home. I went to her and asked if she was the man's mother.


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[Assistant] He says that he used to be much happier. When was that, I ask.


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[Assistant] I then walked back to town very excited by what I had just heard.


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[Assistant] Are crazy people the only truly happy people in this world?


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[Assistant] That man believes that he has a wealthy princess lover.


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[Assistant] He even goes gladly to pick flowers for her in winter.


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[Assistant] I meanwhile, feel no happiness. I see only reality. I see only what I cannot have. And yet this man is no longer happy. People will not leave him to his madness. They want him to see reality too. They do not realize that they only hurt him more. Why must people be so cruel to each other?


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[Assistant] The world is already a difficult place to live in. Why make it even worse by having so many cold people in it?


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[Assistant] God, you are everywhere, I know. But I still feel that I cannot find you.


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[Assistant] Please, I only want to come back to you like a son that returns to his father after a long journey. I have looked for happiness in other things, but have found none. Only you can provide this for me.


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[Assistant] I ask you, would a loving father ever turn away from his son?


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[Assistant] It is possible, but I don't think the water is very deep anywhere in the lake.


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[Assistant] I think it's more possible that she is exactly where I saw Miss Jessel standing before.


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[Assistant] I knew that one day she would want to return to this place on her own.


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[Assistant] And thanks to Miles, today she has had an opportunity.


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[Assistant] I believe she has gone to the other side and hidden the boat. You think little Flora could do that on her own? She is not on her own!


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[Assistant] If she has gone over to the other side, where over there has she gone? We must go and see.


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[Assistant] You mean we are going to walk around the whole lake? Of course. It's only a ten minute walk. Flora was in a hurry. That's why she took the boat. We, however, are not in a hurry. Goodness!


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[Assistant] I know where he is, but I won't let you know unless you tell me something. What do you want me to tell you?


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[Assistant] Tell me, dear, where has Miss Jessel gone to?


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[Assistant] If you still refuse to marry Demetrius, you must die.


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[Assistant] I have an aunt who lives far from the city. We can go to her.


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[Assistant] Outside of Athens, the terrible law doesn't exist. We can marry at my aunt's house.


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[Assistant] We have often walked with Helena there, in the lovely month of May.


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[Assistant] Stop! I am still your lord, said Oberon. Why do you treat me this way? Give me the child!


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[Assistant] Come here, Puck. I want you to find me the flower which is called Love in Idleness. It is a small purple flower.


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[Assistant] You put its juice on the eyes of a sleeping person.


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[Assistant] When they awake, they will fall in love with the first thing they see.


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[Assistant] Bring me the flower, and I will put its juice on my Queen Titania's eyes.


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[Assistant] The first thing she sees when she awakes will be an ugly monkey or a lion or an ape. She will fall in love with it.


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[Assistant] And I won't undo the magic until she gives me that little human boy.


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[Assistant] I'm leaving you here. I hope the wild animals eat you.


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[Assistant] Puck, there is a sweet lady in trouble. She loves a man but he does not love her.


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[Assistant] Take a few of these flowers into the forest. You will find the young man, Demetrius, sleeping on the ground. Drop some of the love juice into his eyes. Make sure that the girl is near him.


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[Assistant] What you see when you awake. Do it for your true love take.


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[Assistant] Look what you did. Believe me, King, said Puck. It was a mistake. You did tell me I would know the man from his Athenian clothes. Well, both these men are from Athens. But I am not sorry this happened. I love to see them shout and cry. How funny.


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[Assistant] Puck, I order you to find these people.


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[Assistant] Then you must fill the air with mist, so that they become separated from each other. Then make them think that they hear voices. After they have become tired from walking, they will lie down and sleep.


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[Assistant] When they are sleeping, drop the juice of this other flower on Lysander's eyes. When he awakes, he will love Hermia again. Each lady will have a lover. They will think everything was a terrible dream.


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[Assistant] Now I must go and see what my Queen Titania is doing.


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[Assistant] There. Now this man will be my queen's true love.


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[Assistant] If I can find my way out of this forest, then I think I'm wise enough.


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[Assistant] Now, cobweb, go and find me some honey. Mustard seed you can help peas blossom.


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[Assistant] I must go to a barber. I think my hair has grown.


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[Assistant] I owe candies to my classmates, and I can't pay them, you know, till I have the money.


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[Assistant] Well, you see, the girls are always buying them and giving them to each other. If one girl likes another, she gives her candy. If she's mad at her, she eats one in front of her and doesn't offer any. They treat in turns, and I've had so many, but haven't returned them. But I should, as they are debts of honor, you know?


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[Assistant] I'll have a wonderful time at school, as I haven't tasted any candy this week. I refuse to take any, as I couldn't return them.


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[Assistant] Yes, you can have a vacation from school.


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[Assistant] I don't approve of Mr. Davis' manner of punishment.


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[Assistant] And so I shall ask your father's advice before I send you anywhere else.


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[Assistant] That's good. I wish all the girls would leave and ruin his school.


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[Assistant] Those perfectly good candies were all destroyed, cried Amy.


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[Assistant] Chapter 1 The Indian Ocean


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[Assistant] We now come to the second part of our journey under the sea.


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[Assistant] I realized that Captain Nemo was preparing for his death. There...


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[Assistant] None of the ocean's monsters could disturb the last sleep of the Nautilus crew. Nor any man, the captain had said. Even in his death, he refused to join human society.


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[Assistant] Konsei believed that Captain Nemo had simply become tired of the human world.


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[Assistant] Unable to deal with the simple minds of human society. I however...


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[Assistant] Believe there was more to the character and story of Captain Nemo.


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[Assistant] From the 21st to the 23rd of January.


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[Assistant] The Nautilus sailed nearly 250 leagues in 24 hours, or 22 miles an hour.


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[Assistant] We often watched through the windows in the sitting room, as fish followed the electric light of the submarine. On the 27th of January, we spent the day on the surface of the water.


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[Assistant] And is made up of a great number of tiny colorless worms. The width of a hair.


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[Assistant] We were again in the clear waters of the ocean, having passed through the milk sea.


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[Assistant] Chapter 2 Captain Nemo's Offer On the 28th of January


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[Assistant] I went up to the platform and noticed a group of mountains about 2000 feet high.


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[Assistant] Some oyster shells have been found with over 100 pearls inside.


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[Assistant] These lovely wonders are produced when a grain of sand reaches the inside of the shell.


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[Assistant] And the pearl builds around that grain of sand, year after year.


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[Assistant] The fishermen pull apart these shells to find the pearls inside.


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[Assistant] The oyster cannot survive in the open air, and usually dies after a few days.


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[Assistant] The pearls are priced depending on their size and color.


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[Assistant] Thinking about our sea adventure the next day, I was still quite worried about meeting sharks while in the sea. Their own home.


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[Assistant] And so, I decided I must be brave.


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[Assistant] Chapter 3 10 Millions of Pearls At four o'clock in the morning, I was awoken by a crew member, and told to prepare for the pearl hunt.


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[Assistant] I quickly dressed, and went to the sitting room where Captain Nemo was waiting for me.


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[Assistant] The captain took us to the boat.


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[Assistant] Where five other men were waiting with our diving suits and helmets. The pearl beds were rather close to land.


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[Assistant] The water was too shallow for the nautilus to sail into. So we were to take the boat there, then dive into the pearl beds.


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[Assistant] We soon arrived and put on our diving suits and helmets. Just before we were to dive into the bay.


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[Assistant] I asked the captain for the air gun I had used on the hunting trip.


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[Assistant] We then dove into the water and were soon on the bottom of the ocean floor. At about 7 o'clock in the morning.


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[Assistant] We came to a cave where we found millions of pearl oysters.


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[Assistant] We entered a deeper cave, where the captain pointed to a gigantic oyster, almost eight feet wide.


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[Assistant] I walked up to examine this wonder of the sea.


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[Assistant] And would estimate the oyster to weigh nearly 600 pounds. Captain Nemo then walked closer, put his knife between the two shells, so it would not close.


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[Assistant] And pulled out a pearl the size of a coconut.


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[Assistant] He then returned the prized pearl to the oyster shell where it would continue to grow.


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[Assistant] I estimated the value of that pearl to be nearly 500,000 pounds at least. I thought we would now return to the boat.


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[Assistant] But the captain gestured for us to hide behind a rock near him.


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[Assistant] He then pointed to something moving through the water nearby. I thought perhaps a shark was coming, but it was a man, an Indian fisherman, diving for pearls.


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[Assistant] His boat was above where he would place his findings before quickly diving back into the water for more oysters.


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[Assistant] We watched him for several minutes before we noticed a shark nearby. Suddenly, the man saw the shark, and I could see terror in his eyes. The shark swam towards him quickly, and the man was hit by the shark's tail, and fell to the ocean floor. Then, the shark came back with his jaws open. Captain Nemo suddenly stood up, with the knife in his hand.


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[Assistant] He waited with calm confidence for the shark to come.


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[Assistant] The captain threw his knife into the shark several times.


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[Assistant] The water was soon red with the blood of the shark. I wanted to help the captain.


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[Assistant] But my fear forced me to remain behind the rock where I was.


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[Assistant] It soon appeared that Captain Nemo was soon going to lose this battle. Suddenly, however, Ned Land jumped to rescue the captain, throwing his spear into the heart of the shark. Blood filled the water.


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[Assistant] Captain Nemo immediately went to the fisherman to carry him to his boat, hoping to wake him. I feared, however.


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[Assistant] That he had been killed after being hit by the shark's powerful tail.


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[Assistant] But looked confused and terrified when looking at the four of us in our sea suits and helmets.


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[Assistant] Captain Nemo then placed a purse of pearls in the man's hand.


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[Assistant] And we dove into the water to return to the Nautilus.


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[Assistant] If Master would hold on to my shoulder, Master would swim much easier.


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[Assistant] And they were rude enough not to respond once.


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[Assistant] The reason I chose to step onto this land is because no other man has ever stepped here.


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[Assistant] No, sir. An accident this time. Serious? Perhaps. The nautilus is trapped.


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[Assistant] Not by our own mistakes, but by nature. We may challenge human laws, but we cannot resist nature's laws.


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[Assistant] A mountain of ice has turned over.


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[Assistant] The water at the bottom of the mountain became warmer than the top.


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[Assistant] Forcing the center point in the iceberg to rise, therefore allowing it to turn over. As the ice turned, it hit the nautilus, then throwing it onto another island of ice, where it is lying on its side. The nautilus is unable to move.


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[Assistant] Our path is blocked southward as well. The iceberg has moved, and now all openings are closed.


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[Assistant] There are two ways of dying in this situation. The first is to be crushed. And the second is to die without air.


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[Assistant] Our air supplies will only last for the next two days.


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[Assistant] Therefore, we have 48 hours to attempt an escape from this ice.


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[Assistant] Professor Arunach, we must attempt something else.


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[Assistant] If we use the water boilers inside to raise the temperature on the wall, we will be able to remove the ice faster.


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[Assistant] For quite some time, the voyage of the Abraham Lincoln had no incidents. But on the 30th of June,


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[Assistant] The ship met a crew of American whale catchers, following a great whale.


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[Assistant] They begged Ned to go on board to help them catch the whale they had in sight.


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[Assistant] Our captain agreed to let him go aboard their ship.


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[Assistant] As we would now see Ned's great skill as a whale catcher.


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[Assistant] Ned, instead of only catching the one whale in sight, caught another as well.


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[Assistant] Every man on board was watching the seas carefully day and night, in hopes of receiving the award of two thousand dollars.


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[Assistant] I however was not interested in such a prize, but my curiosity forced my eyes in the direction of the sea, along with the ship's crew.


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[Assistant] The front and back of the ship were crowded with people watching the seas, each hoping to first spot the mysterious sea animal. No one could eat or sleep.


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[Assistant] Twenty times a day, we heard one man or another announce that they had seen the great sea animal, but they had been mistaken.


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[Assistant] For three months, we lived this way with continual excitement and anxiety.


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[Assistant] On the 5th of November, our ship was less than 200 miles from the coast of Japan.


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[Assistant] This was the last night we would continue in these waters before heading towards Europe to end our journey.


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[Assistant] Come, Konsei, I said. This is the last chance to win the two thousand dollars. Sir?


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[Assistant] Reply Konsei. I had never intended to win the prize. You're right Konsei.


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[Assistant] We have all been quite foolish, wasting our time and looking for the sea monster. We should have been back in France six months ago. In your home, sir?


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[Assistant] Just a moment later, we suddenly heard Ned Land cry out, Look out there! The very thing we are looking for!


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[Assistant] The crew hurried towards him. The captain, sailors, and even the engineers came running over.


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[Assistant] I was astonished to see that Ned was able to see the mysterious sea animal in the darkness of night. But he was correct.


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[Assistant] The sea was lit up all around the animal. It had produced a powerful bright light surrounding itself.


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[Assistant] After some time, the animal raced away before turning around and coming near the ship before stopping, then disappearing under the waves.


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[Assistant] The sea monster then returned on the other side of the ship. At any point, it could have crashed into the Abraham Lincoln, causing a terrible accident. But it did not.


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[Assistant] I was then shocked to see the ship then fled, rather than attack the monster.


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[Assistant] The crew was on watch the rest of the night. All refusing to sleep.


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[Assistant] The narwhal stayed with the ship during the night, as well, remaining at the same speed as the ship.


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[Assistant] At midnight, however, the animal disappeared under the water.


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[Assistant] A few hours later, we spotted the mysterious animal again.


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[Assistant] But the captain decided it was still too dark to attack.


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[Assistant] Some time later, however, the narwhal disappeared under the waves.


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[Assistant] By seven o'clock in the morning, we were all quite disappointed to see a thick layer of fog covering the sea.


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[Assistant] We were therefore unable to see the animal.


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[Assistant] Suddenly, however, at around eight o'clock in the morning, Ned Land's voice was again heard. There it is again, he cried.


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[Assistant] The entire ship then turned to see the electric narwhal less than a mile away from the ship.


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[Assistant] The Abraham Lincoln then began to follow the narwhal. I examined it carefully.


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[Assistant] The earlier reports about the narwhal had greatly overestimated its size.


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[Assistant] I estimate its length at only 250 feet.


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[Assistant] And rose to a height of 120 feet above the water.


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[Assistant] The captain then ordered the ship to move as fast as possible toward its enemy.


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[Assistant] For nearly an hour, the ship moved at top speed.


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[Assistant] Without moving any closer to the mysterious animal.


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[Assistant] The ship was going nearly 19 miles an hour.


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[Assistant] But the terrible monster was swimming at 19 miles an hour as well.


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[Assistant] The ship was then able to increase its speed slightly, after going another hour without getting closer to the narwhal.


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[Assistant] The Abraham Lincoln was now going nearly 20 miles an hour. But the strange animal increased its speed to 20 miles an hour as well.


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[Assistant] Waiting for the opportunity to throw his spear at the mysterious enemy.


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[Assistant] But just when he was going to throw his spear, the narwhal escaped under the water, then began to circle the ship, which greatly disturbed the crew.


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[Assistant] The captain then decided to attack in another manner.


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[Assistant] He ordered the crew to begin shooting at the narwhal.


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[Assistant] cried the captain, looking quite anxious.


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[Assistant] One old man aimed his weapon at the narwhal, shot, and hit the animal, but did not harm it.


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[Assistant] For the next few hours, the ship continued to follow, but did not get any closer.


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[Assistant] The Abraham Lincoln followed that beast nearly 300 miles that unlucky day. The 6th of November.


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[Assistant] Soon enough, however, night came, and we were no longer following the narwhal.


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[Assistant] Now I thought we would never see the narwhal again, but I was mistaken. Just before 11 o'clock at night.


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[Assistant] We spotted the electric light of the mysterious animal. Still just three miles away. The narwhal was not moving.


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[Assistant] Perhaps tired after speeding through the water all day long, it appeared to be sleeping. The captain decided he must now attack.


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[Assistant] The Abraham Lincoln quietly went towards the narwhal.


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[Assistant] No one aboard spoke. All was silent.


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[Assistant] We were now less than 100 feet from the electric sea animal.


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[Assistant] At this moment, I saw Ned Land holding his spear in one hand, ready for his attack.


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[Assistant] He threw his spear at the animal with great force. As it struck, a sound of metal hitting metal was heard.


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[Assistant] Then, a terrible shock followed, and I was thrown into the sea.


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[Assistant] Lily Moskovitz's list of hottest guys compiled during World Civ with commentary by Mia Thermopoulos. 1. Josh Richter


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[Assistant] Agree. Six feet of unadulterated hotness.


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[Assistant] Strongly disagree. Just because he played his stupid violin at Carnegie Hall when he was 12 does not make him hot. Plus, he tucks his school sweater into his pants instead of wearing it out like a normal person. Disagree. I like Timothy Dalton better.


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[Assistant] 4. Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans. Ugh, agree. Stay alive no matter what occurs. 5. Prince William of England. Duh.


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[Assistant] Six, Leonardo in Titanic. As if, that is so 1998. Seven, Mr. Whedon, the crew coach.


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[Assistant] That guy in the jeans ad on that giant billboard in Times Square. Totally agree. Who is that guy that should give him his own TV series?


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[Assistant] 9. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman's boyfriend. Whatever happened to him, he was hot.


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[Assistant] 10. Joshua Bell, the violinist. Totally agree. It would be so cool to date a musician. Just not Boris Polkowski.


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[Assistant] I must have you and your companions restricted from this area for now.


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[Assistant] Will you please examine one of my men?


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[Assistant] A shock to the submarine broke one of the engines which struck his head. But tell me your opinion on his wound.


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[Assistant] Over 100 feet below the surface of the water.


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[Assistant] Hello, I'm Gary. I'm from Baby Cube and I would like to read you a story. The Lost Dinosaur Bone by Mercer Mayer.


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[Assistant] Our class went on a field trip to the Museum of Natural History. I couldn't wait to see the dinosaurs. When I grow up, I'm going to be a dinosaur hunter.


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[Assistant] But when we got to the museum, the dinosaur exhibit was closed. So we had to see the butterflies instead. The butterflies were fun, but I really wished we could see the dinosaurs. Next, we went to the rainforest. There were lots of trees with monkeys in them. Oh, oh. I said to the monkeys. A guard came running over to see the monkeys too. So I asked him about the dinosaurs.


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[Assistant] I found out that the exhibit was closed because a Triceratops bone was missing.


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[Assistant] In the hall of gems and minerals, it was very dark, so we had to wear miner's hats with lights on them.


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[Assistant] Tiger went looking for diamonds, but I was busy looking for that missing dinosaur bone. No luck. After that we went to the planetarium.


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[Assistant] On our way to see a meteorite, I asked Miss Kitty if I could get a drink of water. When I found the fountain, I also found something else. The dinosaur exhibit.


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[Assistant] It had a big sign saying, exhibit closed. I went closer and saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It was heading right for me.


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[Assistant] And found myself face to face with a velociraptor.


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[Assistant] It had its mouth open wide so I could see all its sharp pointy teeth.


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[Assistant] The guard told me the exhibit was closed because of the missing dinosaur bone. I know, I said. I've been looking for it everywhere.


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[Assistant] On my way out, I took a wrong turn. That's when I saw something long and white sticking out from under the ankylosaurus skeleton. It was the missing dinosaur bone.


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[Assistant] I ran back to tell the guard he didn't believe me at first, but when I showed the bone to him, he gave me this big smile.


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[Assistant] Then I found Miss Kitty, and the guard took our whole class to the special place where the scientists who study dinosaur bones work.


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[Assistant] I'm going to be a dinosaur hunter when I grow up, I said. You already are, answered the scientists. You know what I'm going to do tomorrow?


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[Assistant] So I stood in front of my father looking like a human Q-tip in my new hair and I let him have it. First, she makes me do homework, then she rips the homework up.


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[Assistant] Then she gives me sitting lessons. Then she has all my hair dyed a different color and most of it hacked off, makes someone glue tiny surfboards to my fingernails, buys me shoes that cost as much as small animal surgery, and clothes that make me look like Vicky, the captain's daughter in that old 70's series, The Love Boat.


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[Assistant] Well, Dad, I'm sorry, but I'm not Vicki, and I never will be, no matter how much Grandma dresses me up like her. I'm not going to do great in school, be super cheerful all the time, or have any shipboard romances. That's Vicki. That's not me.


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[Assistant] My mom was coming out of her bedroom putting the last touches on her date wear when I screamed this.


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[Assistant] She was wearing a new outfit. It was this sort of Spanish skirt in all these different colors and sort of off the shoulder top. Her long hair was all


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[Assistant] Mia, my mom said as she fastened on an earring, nobody is asking you to be Vicki, the captain's daughter. From there is.


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[Assistant] Your grandmother is just trying to prepare you, Mia. Prepare me for what? I can't go to school looking like this, you know, I yelled. My mom looked kind of confused. Why not?


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[Assistant] I don't want anyone at school finding out I'm the Princess of Genovia. My mom shook her head. Mia, honey, they're going to find out sometime. I don't see how. See, I have it all worked out.


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[Assistant] I'll only be a princess in Genovia. And since the chances of anybody I know from school ever actually going to Genovia are like, none,


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[Assistant] No one here will ever find out, so I'm totally safe from being branded a freak like Tina Hakim Baba.


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[Assistant] Well, at least not the kind of freak who has to ride in a chauffeured limo to school every day and be followed by bodyguards. Well, my mom said after I'd told her all this, what if it's in the newspaper? Why would it be in the newspaper? My mom looked at my dad. My dad looked away and took a sip from his drink. You wouldn't believe what he did next. He put down his drink and he reached into his pants pocket


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[Assistant] Philippe, she said, but my dad just kept looking at me. I'm serious, Helen, he said.


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[Assistant] I can see the compromise we drew up is getting us nowhere. The only solution in matters like this is cold, hard cash. So?


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[Assistant] How much do I have to pay you, Mia, to let your grandmother turn you into a princess?


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[Assistant] Is that what she's doing? I started yelling some more. Well, if that's what she's doing, she has it all screwed up. I never saw a princess with hair that's short or feet as big as mine who didn't have breasts.


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[Assistant] My dad just looked at his watch. I guess he had somewhere to go. I bet it was another interview with that blonde anchor woman from ABC News.


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[Assistant] Consider it a job, he said, this learning how to be a princess business. I will pay your salary. Now, how much do you want?


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[Assistant] I started yelling even more about personal integrity and how I refused to sell my soul to the company store. That kind of thing. Stuff I got from some of my mom's old records. I think she recognized this, since she sort of started slinking away saying she had to go get ready for her date with Mr. G. My dad shot her the evil eye. He can do it almost as well as Cormier. And then he sighed and went, Mia.


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[Assistant] So they can save all the whales they want if you will make my mother happy by letting her teach you to be a princess. Well, that's an entirely different matter.


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[Assistant] It would be one thing if he were paying me to have my hair color chemically altered, but paying $100 per day to Greenpeace?


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[Assistant] That's three hundred and fifty-six thousand dollars per year, in my name. Why, Greenpeace will have to hire me after I graduate. I practically will have donated a million dollars by that time. Wait.


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[Assistant] She lay there with her lovely pitiful face as if to say to us, I loved you all. What have you done to me? Andre wouldn't leave. He seemed frozen.


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[Assistant] It wasn't until the nanny presented the wriggling, squealing, and swaddled bundle to Andre that he realized he had a son. You, Nicka Nicka.


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[Assistant] My father came in at that moment, and both men burst into sobs. And five days after burying your mother, we baptized you in our old chapel. I was your godmother, and you were named Nikolai after father, who was also your godfather.


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[Assistant] And he traveled all the time around the provinces over which he was responsible. Andre came over almost every day and there was the wet nerfs and the nanny. We all adored you.


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[Assistant] He rebuilt his estate as well, but mostly he studied.


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[Assistant] That was quite different. Pierre wants to talk to you about this.


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[Assistant] But Andre's only concern was for Nikolenko. He had a bad fever.


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[Assistant] I'm speaking particularly about the friendship between men, although we have ours too, like mine with Natasha. We didn't start out as friends. No, quite the opposite.


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[Assistant] During those terrible years after Al Stilitz and Lise's death,


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[Assistant] You see? Andre changed after that night, I'm certain of it. And something deep inside him began to live.


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[Assistant] That was the night I swore never to propose again. And I never did.


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[Assistant] Well don't look so glum, Nicolai. This is one of the happiest evenings of my life.


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[Assistant] I couldn't help asking but please know that I adore your daughter and your whole family and I would give two of my lives for any one of you. I understand that in the circumstances I must leave tomorrow.


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[Assistant] I've disgraced myself. I proposed to Natasha.


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[Assistant] Yes. If you'll keep me from ever proposing again.


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[Assistant] There isn't gonna be a regiment if we don't get some food. I'm gonna lose my entire squadron if this goes on.


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[Assistant] Leaving your men to battle is one thing, Rostov. Letting them starve is another.


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[Assistant] No one could have stopped me, Rostov. Not an entire infantry regiment could have stopped me. But as it was...


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[Assistant] There were only two officers. It took no time at all. You knew there were orders from the Emperor not to take food, and that punishment was severe. All I knew was that my men were hungry, and I was gonna feed them.


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[Assistant] I didn't care about the infantry. I only cared about my men.


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[Assistant] And I suspected there was some skull thuggery going on anyway. I was right.


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[Assistant] The regimental commander even agreed with me and said he'd turn a blind eye. But the next day, an officer from the infantry appeared and said I was going to be court-martialed. Me? Major Denisov tried for robbery. And all because I did what was right. I won't put up with it. I had such a feeling of injustice.


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[Assistant] And every time I was summoned before one of those infantry offices, I lost my temper and told them what I thought of them. I even hit one of them.


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[Assistant] And then they relieved me of my command.


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[Assistant] I decided the best thing would be to get myself killed.


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[Assistant] That general must have done something. Because the case was dropped.


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[Assistant] You never told me you went to all that trouble, Rostov. It was nothing. You would have done the same for me. Yes, no question about that.


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[Assistant] May I stay? Please may I stay? The General won't miss me. Will he be joined by the Polish General?


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[Assistant] There is, because we need to know exactly how many there are. The lives of hundreds of people depend on us knowing exactly that. I'd like to know exactly, and my French is good.


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[Assistant] Don't worry, sir. If we're caught, I won't surrender alive. I have a pistol.


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[Assistant] My mother is having my algebra teacher's baby and she hasn't even told him. I can tell she hasn't told him because when I walked in this morning, all Mr. Giannini said was, Oh, hi Mia. How are you doing? Oh, hi Mia. How are you doing?


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[Assistant] That is not what you say to someone whose mother is having your baby. You say something like, Excuse me Mia, may I see you a moment?


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[Assistant] Then you take the daughter of the woman with whom you have committed this heinous indiscretion out into the hallway, where you fall on bended knee to grovel and beg for her approval and forgiveness. That is what you do.


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[Assistant] I can't help staring at Mr. G and wondering what my new baby brother or sister is going to look like. My mom is totally hot, like Carmen Sandiego, only without the trench coat.


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[Assistant] Further proof that I am a biological anomaly since I inherited neither my mother's thick, curly black mane of hair nor her sea cup. So there's nothing to worry about there. But Mr. G, I just don't know.


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[Assistant] Not that Mr. G isn't good looking, I guess. I mean, he's tall. And has all his hair.


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[Assistant] Score one for Mr. J since my dad's as bald as a parking meter.


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[Assistant] I sincerely hope the kid gets my mom's nostrils and Mr. G's ability to divide fractions in his head.


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[Assistant] The sad thing is, Mr. Giannini doesn't have the slightest idea what is about to befall him.


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[Assistant] I would feel sorry for him if it weren't for the fact that it is all his fault. I know it takes two to tango, but please, my mother is a painter. He is an algebra teacher.


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[Assistant] You tell me who is supposed to be the responsible one.


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[Assistant] I don't know who Lily Moskovitz thinks she is, but I sure know who she isn't. My friend.


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[Assistant] I don't think anyone who was my friend would be as mean to me as Lily was tonight.


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[Assistant] Believe it, and all because of my hair.


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[Assistant] I guess I could understand it if Lily was mad at me about something that mattered, like missing the taping of the hose segment. I mean,


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[Assistant] I'm like the main camera person for Lily Tells It Like It Is. I also do a lot of the prop work. When I'm not there, Shamika has to do my job as well as hers, and Shamika is already executive producer and location scout.


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[Assistant] So I guess I could see how Lily might kind of resent the fact that I missed today's taping. She thinks Hogate, that's what she's calling it, is the most important story she's ever done.


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[Assistant] I think it's kind of stupid. Who cares about five cents anyway?


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[Assistant] But Lily's all, we're going to break the cycle of racism that has been rampant in delis across the five boroughs. Whatever.


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[Assistant] All I know is, I walked into the Moskovitz's apartment tonight and Lily took one look at my new hair and was like, Oh. My. God. What happened to you?


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[Assistant] Like I had frostbite all over my face and my nose had turned black and fallen off, like those people who climbed Mount Everest.


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[Assistant] Okay, I knew people were going to freak and stuff when they saw my hair. I totally washed it before I came over and got all the mousse and goop out of it. Plus, I took off all the makeup Palo had slathered on me and put on my overalls and high tops. You can hardly see the quadratic formula anymore.


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[Assistant] Well, my grandmother made me go see this guy Paolo, and he-


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[Assistant] But Lily wouldn't even let me finish. She was in the state of shock. She went,


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[Assistant] Are those fake fingernails? Lana has those too! She stared at me all bug-eyed. Oh my god, Mia, you're turning into Lana Weinberger!


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[Assistant] Now that kind of peeved me off. I mean, in the first place, I am not turning into Lana Weinberger. In the second place, even if I am, Lily's the one who's always going on about how stupid people are for not seeing that it doesn't matter what anybody looks like. What matters is what's going on on the inside. So.


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[Assistant] I stood there in the Moskovitz's foyer, which is made out of black marble, with Pavlov jumping up and down against my legs because he was so excited to see me going, it wasn't me, it was my grandmother, I had to. What do you mean, you had to?


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[Assistant] Lily got this really crabby look on her face. It was the same look she gets every year when our PE instructor tells us we have to run around the reservoir in Central Park for the Presidential Fitness Test.


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[Assistant] Lily doesn't like to run anywhere, particularly around the reservoir in Central Park. It's really big. What are you, she wanted to know, completely passive?


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[Assistant] You're mute or something? Unable to say the word no? You know, Mia, we really need to work on your assertiveness. You seem to have real issues with your grandmother. I mean, you certainly don't have any trouble saying no to me.


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[Assistant] I could have really used your help today with the hose segment and you totally let me down. But you've got no problem letting your grandmother cut off all your hair and dye it yellow. Okay.


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[Assistant] Now keep in mind, I just spent the whole day hearing how bad I looked. At least until Paolo got hold of me and made me look like Lana Weinberger. Now I had to hear there was something wrong with my personality too. So I cracked. I said, Lily, shut up.


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[Assistant] I have never told Lily to shut up before. Not ever.


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[Assistant] I don't think I have ever told anyone to shut up before. It's just not something I do.


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[Assistant] I don't know what happened really. Maybe it was the fingernails. I never had fingernails before. They sort of made me feel strong. I mean, really, why was Lily always telling me what to do? Unfortunately, right as I was telling Lily to shut up, Michael came out holding an empty cereal bowl and not wearing a shirt. Whoa, he said, backing up.


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[Assistant] I'm tired of you putting me down all the time, all day long. My mom and dad and grandmother and teachers are telling me what to do. I don't need my friends getting on my case too.


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[Assistant] Whoa, Michael said again. This time I knew it was because of what I said.


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[Assistant] Lily said her eyes getting all narrow is your problem. I went, you know what?


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[Assistant] I don't have a problem. You're the one with a problem. You seem to have a big problem with me. Well, you know what? I'm going to solve your problem for you.


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[Assistant] I'm leaving. I never wanted to help you with your stupid Hoegate story anyway. The Hoes are nice people. They haven't done anything wrong. I don't see why you have to pick on them. And, I said this as I opened the door, my hair is not yellow. Then I left. I sort of slammed the door behind me too.


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[Assistant] While I was waiting for the elevator I sort of thought Lily might come out and apologize to me. But she didn't. I came straight home, took a bath and got into bed with my remote control


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[Assistant] I looked in the mirror a minute ago, and my hair doesn't look that bad.


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[Assistant] So when he suddenly stopped, I thought it was because we were at the school doors.


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[Assistant] I could see the doors. We were standing right in front of them.


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[Assistant] Below us on the stairs the reporters were screaming questions and taking pictures. Some moron was yelling,


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[Assistant] Kiss her, kiss her, which I don't need to tell you was way embarrassing. And so I just stood there, like a complete


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[Assistant] Idiot, waiting for Josh to open the doors instead of doing the smart thing, which was open the doors myself and get inside where it was safe, where there weren't any cameras or reporters or people yelling, kiss her, kiss her! And then I don't know how.


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[Assistant] The next thing I knew, Josh had put his arm around me again.


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[Assistant] Drag me to him and smashed his mouth against mine.


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[Assistant] I swear that's exactly what it felt like.


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[Assistant] He just smashed his mouth up against mine and all these flashes started going off, but believe me,


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[Assistant] It wasn't like in those books Tina is always reading where the boy kisses the girl and she sees like


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[Assistant] Fireworks and stuff behind our eyelids. I really was seeing lights go off, but they weren't fireworks. They were flashes from cameras.


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[Assistant] Everyone was taking a picture of Princess Mia getting her first kiss.


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[Assistant] I am not even kidding. Like it wasn't bad enough that this was my first kiss. It was my first kiss and teen people was photographing it.


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[Assistant] And another thing about those books Tina reads, in those books, when the girl gets her first kiss, she gets this warm, gushy feeling inside. She feels like the guy is drawing her soul up from deep within her.


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[Assistant] I didn't get that feeling. I didn't get that feeling at all. All I got was embarrassed.


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[Assistant] It didn't feel especially good having Josh Richter kiss me. All it felt, really, was strange.


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[Assistant] It felt strange having this guy stand there and smash his mouth against mine. And you would think that after I'd spent so much time thinking this guy was the greatest thing on earth, I'd have felt something when he kissed me. But all I felt was embarrassed.


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[Assistant] And like our car ride to the restaurant, I just kept wishing it would end.


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[Assistant] All I could think was, when is he going to stop doing this? Am I even doing this right? In the movies they move their heads around a lot. Should I move my head around?


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[Assistant] What am I going to do if he tries to stick his tongue in there like I used to see him do to Lana?


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[Assistant] Can't let teen people take a picture of me with some guy's tongue in my mouth. My dad will kill me. Then, just when I thought I couldn't stand it another minute,


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[Assistant] That I was going to die of embarrassment right there on the steps of Albert Einstein High School. Josh lifted up his head, waved to the reporters, opened the doors to the school and pushed me inside.


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[Assistant] Where I swear to God, every single person I knew was standing, looking at us.


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[Assistant] I am not kidding. There were Tina and her date from Trinity, Dave, looking at me in a sort of shocked way.


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[Assistant] There were Lily and Boris, and for once, Boris hadn't tucked in anything that wasn't supposed to be tucked. In fact,


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[Assistant] He almost looked handsome. In a geeky, musical genius kind of way.


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[Assistant] And Lily, in a beautiful white dress with spangles all over it and white roses in her hair.


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[Assistant] There was Mr. G standing by the ticket booth in front of the doors to the cafeteria where the dance was being held looking more astonished than anybody. Except maybe me.


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[Assistant] I would have to say out of everybody there, I was the person in the most shock. I mean, Josh Victor had just kissed me. Josh?


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[Assistant] Richter had just kissed me. Josh Richter had just kissed me.


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[Assistant] Did I mention that he kissed me on the lips?


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[Assistant] Oh, and that he did it in front of reporters from teen people?


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[Assistant] So I'm standing there, and everybody is looking at me, and I could still hear the reporters yelling outside, and inside the cafeteria, I could hear the thump, thump.


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[Assistant] Thump of the sound system as it ground out some hip-hop attribute to our Latino student population. And these thoughts are moving really sluggishly through my head. These thoughts that are saying, He set you up. He only asked you out so he could get his picture in the paper.


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[Assistant] He's the one who notified the press that you'd be here tonight.


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[Assistant] He probably only broke up with Lana just so he could tell his friends he's dating a girl worth three hundred million dollars.


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[Assistant] He never even noticed you until your picture was on the cover of the post. Lily was right.


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[Assistant] That day in Bigelow's, he was only suffering from a synaptic breakdown when he smiled at you.


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[Assistant] He probably thinks his chances of getting into Harvard or whatever are way enhanced by the fact that he's the princess of Genovia's boyfriend. And like a big idiot, I fell for it. Great. Just great. Lily says I'm not assertive enough. Her parents say


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[Assistant] That's why she gave me this book, in the hopes that what I won't tell her, I'll at least get out into the open somehow.


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[Assistant] If it hadn't turned out that I'm a princess, maybe I might still be all that stuff. You know, unassertive, fearful of confrontation and internalizer, I probably wouldn't have done what I did next. Which was turn to Josh and ask, why did you do that?


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[Assistant] He was busy patting himself down trying to find the dance tickets to hand to the sophomores who were manning the ticket table. Do what? Kiss me like that, in front of everybody. He found the tickets in his wallet. I don't know, he said. Didn't you hear them? They were yelling at me to kiss you, so I did. Why? Because I didn't appreciate it. You didn't appreciate it? Josh looked confused. You mean, you didn't like it? Yes.


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[Assistant] I said, that's exactly what I mean. I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. Because I know you didn't kiss me because you liked me.


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[Assistant] You just kissed me because I'm the princess of Genovia.


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[Assistant] Right now, he is playing a concerto by someone named Bartok. And let me tell you, that's exactly how it sounds.


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[Assistant] Even though we locked him and his violin into the supply closet, it isn't doing any good. You can't even hear yourself think. Michael had to go to the nurse's office for ibuprofen.


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[Assistant] But before he left, I tried to steer the conversation in the direction of mail. You know, casually and all. Just in case. Anyway.


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[Assistant] Lily was talking about her show, Lily Tells It Like It Is, and I asked her if she's still getting a lot of fan mail.


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[Assistant] One of her biggest fans, her stalker Norman sends her free stuff all the time.


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[Assistant] With the understanding that he wants her to show her bare feet on the air, Norman is a foot fetishist.


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[Assistant] Then I mentioned that I'd received some intriguing mail lately.


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[Assistant] Then I looked at Michael real fast to see how he responded. But he didn't even glance up from his laptop. And now he is back from the nurse's office.


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[Assistant] She wouldn't give him any ibuprofen because it is a violation of the school drug code. So I gave him some of my coding cough syrup. He says it cleared his headache right up. But...


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[Assistant] That might also have been because Boris knocked over a can of paint thinner with his bow and we had to let him out of the supply closet.


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[Assistant] Here is what I have to do. One, stop thinking so much about Josie Rocks. Two, ditto Michael Moskovitz. Three, ditto my mother and her reproductive issues. Four,


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[Assistant] Ditto my interview tomorrow with Beverly Belle Reve. Five. Ditto. Grandmer.


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[Assistant] Six. Have more self-confidence. Seven. Stop biting off fake fingernails. Eight.


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[Assistant] Self-actualize. Nine, pay more attention in algebra. Ten, wash P.E. shorts.


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[Assistant] More Thursday, October 30th, 9 p.m. Well, Mr. Giannini has all moved in. I have already played nine games of foosball. Boy, are my wrists tired.


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[Assistant] It's not really weird having him here on a permanent basis, because he was always hanging around before anyway.


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[Assistant] And the drum set in the corner, where we normally keep mom's life-sized metallic gold bust of Elvis. But the coolest thing is the pinball machine. It's called Motorcycle Gang, and it has all these very realistic drawings of tattooed, leather-wearing Hell's Angels on it.


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[Assistant] Also, it has pictures of the Hells Angels girlfriends, who don't have very much clothing on at all, bending over and sticking out their enormous bosoms.


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[Assistant] When you sink a ball, the pinball machine makes the noise of a motorcycle engine revving very loudly.


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[Assistant] My mother took one look at it and just stood there shaking her head. I know it's misogynistic and sexist and all, but it's also really, really neat.


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[Assistant] Mr. Giannini told me today that he thought it would be alright for me to call him Frank now, considering the fact that we are practically related. But I just can't bring myself to do it. So I just call him, Hey.


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[Assistant] I go, hey, can you pass the parmesan? And hey, have you seen the remote control? See? No names needed. Pretty clever, huh?


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[Assistant] Of course, it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing. There's the small fact that tomorrow, there's supposedly going to be this huge celebrity wedding that I know has not been cancelled, and that I also know my mother still hasn't the slightest intention of attending.


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[Assistant] But when I ask her about it, instead of freaking out, my mom just smiles all secretively and says, Don't worry about it, Mia. But how can I help worrying about it?


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[Assistant] The only thing that is definitely off is my mom and Mr. G's trip to the courthouse.


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[Assistant] I asked if they still wanted me to come dressed as the Empire State Building, thinking I should probably start working on my costume and all, and my mom just got this furtive look in her eyes and said, why don't we just hold off on that?


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[Assistant] I could kind of tell she didn't want to talk about it, so I clammed up and went and called Lily.


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[Assistant] I figured it was about time she gave me some explanation as to just what was going on here. But when I called her the line was busy. Which meant there was a good chance Lily or Michael was online.


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[Assistant] Lily, just where did you and Hank disappear to today? And don't lie and say you weren't together. Women rule. I fail to see what business it is of yours.


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[Assistant] Well, let's just say that if you want to hang on to your boyfriend, you better come up with a good explanation. Women rule. I have a very good explanation.


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[Assistant] But I am not likely to share it with you. You'll just blab it to Beverly Belle Reeve, oh, and 22 million viewers. Fat Louie.


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[Assistant] That is so totally unfair. Look, Lily, I'm worried about you. It isn't like you to skip school. What about your book about high school society? You may have missed out on some valuable material for it.


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[Assistant] Women rule. Oh really? Did something happen today worth recording?


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[Assistant] At Louis, well, some of the seniors snuck into the teacher's lounge and put a fetal pig in the mini-fridge. Women rule.


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[Assistant] Gosh, I'm so sorry I missed that. Is there anything else, Mia? Because I am trying to research something on the web right now.


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[Assistant] Yes, there was something else. Didn't she know how wrong it was to be seeing two boys at the same time? Especially when some of us don't even have one boy. Couldn't she see how selfish and mean-spirited that was? But I didn't write that. Instead, I wrote, that Louis, well, Boris was pretty upset, Lily. I mean, he totally suspects something. Women rule.


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[Assistant] Boris has got to learn that in a loving relationship, it is important to establish bonds of trust. That is something you might keep in mind yourself, Mia.


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[Assistant] I realize of course that Lily is talking about our relationship, hers and mine.


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[Assistant] But if you think about it, it applies to more than just Lily and Boris and Lily and me. It applies to me and my dad, too. And me and my mom. And me and, well, just about everybody. Was this, I wondered, a profound moment? Should I get out my English journal? It was right after this that it happened.


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[Assistant] I got instant messaged by someone else, by Josie Rocks himself. Josie Rocks. So are you going to Rocky Horror tomorrow? Oh my god.


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[Assistant] I wanted to jump up from my computer and run around my room and scream and laugh at the same time. Instead, and I don't know where I got the presence of mind to do this, I wrote back, at Louie? I hope so.


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[Assistant] Why does it always have to go from bad to worse for me? I mean apparently it is not enough that one


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[Assistant] I was born lacking any sort of mammary growth gland too.


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[Assistant] My feet are as long as a normal person's thigh.


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[Assistant] I'm the sole heir to the throne of a European principality or


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[Assistant] My grade point average is still slipping in spite of everything.


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[Assistant] 5. I have a secret admirer who will not declare himself. 6. My mother is pregnant with my algebra teacher's baby and 7.


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[Assistant] All of America is going to know it after Monday night's broadcast of my exclusive interview on 24 7. No.


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[Assistant] In addition to all of that, I happen to be the only one of my friends who still has yet to be French kissed. Seriously.


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[Assistant] Her next week show, Lily insisted on shooting what she calls a Scorsesean confessional.


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[Assistant] She made us all confess to the camera our worst sins, and it turns out Shamika?


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[Assistant] Tina Hakeem Baba, Ling Su, and Lily have all had boy's tongues in their mouths. All of them. Except for me.