However, the truth was that it was much more complicated because HAYASHI was pessimistic towards life, based on him being rather sickly with serious dysphemia, while his mother had placed extremely high hopes on him.
しかし実際には自身が病弱である事、重度の吃音である事、実家の母から過大な期待を寄せられている事、同寺が観光客の参観料で運営されており、僧侶よりも事務職の方が幅を利かせるなどの現実から、厭世感情からくる複雑な感情が入り乱れていた。