teks `Im certain theres no point. Couldnt even waste my time to write this somewhere anyone i know would see itEvery day it gets harder to justify staying alive. It seems like everything I was working for was taken away from me, and should they come back, I have no means to continually striving for them.

I was in such a good place. I was working and learning. I had enough money and was comfortable. I was planning on asking for a raise. I was the best me I had ever been - balancing a schedule of hockey, derby, pole dancing, and muay Thai around a 10-6 work.

I genuinely felt like I was moving towards a place of growth. When I wasn't doing physical activity or when I was healing from an injury, I was tirelessly putting in the work on a nonprofit and building an event hosting empire- things I was passionate about outside of physical activity and work. Things that tired together my hard work with my dream work. I was in talks of expanding into hosting a 3rd event and building a North American directory of businesses that would pledge support for our sport. I was steadily building a platform to be an umbrella for all my future events, to become an LLC, to start being my very own business.

I felt like a freight train without anything to stop me. 

In the blink of an eye, all of my physical activities were gone. I suddenly had a wide-open schedule outside of work to start tidying up and finalizing plans for my pet projects. Then, the work was gone. I suddenly had nothing but time to do my pet projects. Then I stopped getting paid. Then I only had time for finding a new job.

My housing is threatened. I'm about to go hungry. My bills are going overdue. I can't afford to have fun anymore. I can't spare the time away from learning a potential skill to get a job I won't love and I can't waste time playing video games when I know jobs are being filled that should be mine.

Right now I'm on high alert. Everything is stagnant. The medical insurance said I won't be marked for not paying my $1200 overdue bill or my $400 premium. I stocked up on enough nonperishables to go a few weeks once the rest of the food is gone. I can survive, on a thread. I'm learning a lot about the regret of not saving and getting a lot angrier about how the broken system we call society has been designed to fail. It gets harder not to just flip a table and scream.

I have transcended being mad and became upset. Upset felt helpless. Now, it's hopeless. I have no desire to start at a new job. For what? So I can make money to pay back bills for things that don't matter to me? So I can keep eating shitty food? So I can keep playing the same games over and over and over again, telling myself I'm "decompressing" when I'm really just bored? So I can start a business, so I can pay people better, play better games over and over, and eat better shitty food? I just am not seeing how my effort is translating into an enjoyable life and I don't know where the light is at the end of the tunnel.

I got the idea to drive to San Francisco and jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. I wondered if I had enough money to pay for the gas and food to get me there. I wondered if I'd rethink the decision to jump on the ride down.

I think movies glorify this moment of clarity where people stand on the ledge and contemplate jumping. I'm not sure that's a real thing. I feel like I would just...jump. A quick hop and go. Goodbye.

I know it will end, and I know I can roller skate again and play on a team again, and learn to beat people up again, and train for new personal records again. But now it just seems so futile. Like it's all just a big rouse. It's all just a big waste of time. I feel so insignificant and forgotten about - shut in a footlocker and told to come out later, if I can. It's hard for me to imagine myself jumping back into a routine that was basically only made possible by a lifestyle that was hanging on a thread.

But more so than returning to an old routine knowing it will inevitably fall apart, is knowing that all my future goals are meaningless. I put so much effort into trying to be my best self - I planned for my trans confirmation surgery for next year and for everything else to help me feel better in my skin. But now it's like, who fucking cares about any of that, you know? What's it all for? None of any of this is for anything. What an incredible waste my life has been.

I'm tired of being angry. I don't have much else to say. It's pointless. Everyone else seems to keep winning except for me. I thought I was winning, but I was just in the loser's bracket.

I keep trying to think of what I would say in a suicide note if I could muster up the balls to do it. I think I would just say, "I'm bored."`, kelaskan texts {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis} dan pulangkan dalam bentuk JSON {'label'}
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}