kelaskan teks {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, teks `I don't know what my choices are.I'm not suicidal... at the moment. 

I've never tried and meant it... but I wish I did. 

I don't know if/when I'll try. I don't know if/when I'll succeed. I don't know if/when I want to do it. I don't know if/when I can control myself so I don't.

I don't feel alone. I have great friends. I talk to them all the time. They offer shoulders and smiles. People love me and look up to me. It's not enough.

I have money. I have a job. I have an education. I have a car. I rent a nice house with nice people. I have passions. I have talents. It's not enough.

I'm never satisfied. I keep chasing highs. I keep going back and forth between being sober and not. I don't know how to function sober. I don't know how to function not sober.

I've seen various psychologists/psychiatrists on and off for seven years. When I do muster up the admission that I'm not okay, it doesn't make a difference. Most of the time when I'm there, I feel okay, so I say I'm okay, and I can't think of anything else.

But I'm not okay. I don't feel in control of my thoughts or feelings. I'm consumed by anxiety even though I can rationalize that nothing is wrong. I had a boyfriend who did nothing wrong to me, but we weren't meant to be. Instead of breaking up with him in a mature and respectable fashion, I lost my mind and went nuts over nothing and flipped out on him, said a lot of mean things, that weren't baseless, but weren't appropriate. I flip out every few months and turn self destructive and masochistic and know I'm making irrational decisions but I don't give a f**k because destroying my body and reputation gives me a sick high.

I've been the victim of two abusive romantic relationships. I like to think it doesn't affect me, along with many other things I probably don't know even affect me. I think I'm in denial.

I'm a nice, caring, passionate, intelligent, lovely, person. I don't want to die. But I'm tired of hurting myself and not being able to control it. I'm tired of hurting people and not being able to control it. I'm tired of fighting my mind and feelings. I don't feel in control of anything. I feel like when I try to take control, it just backfires.

I don't know what the difference is between what feels good and what feels right. I don't know if anything is right or good. I'm pretty sure nothing can be right or wrong or good or bad. But that doesn't change how I feel.

I don't know what my choices are. I don't want to die. But I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to be a slave to drugs that numb my soul. But I don't want to be a slave to my own f**ked up subconsciousness either.`
self-harm