teks: VENTING! (20 F)After this, I’m never going to vent again, because I’m done. Why am I done? Here is why....

Well, I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, other mental health issues, that causes me to self harm and think about suicide for years. Everyone around me rather it’s online or in real, tells me that they are here for me and if I need to vent or cry, that they will listen and help me as best as they can. Well, for months, should I say years, I’ve tried reaching out for help, everyone has said these things: “It’s in your head Courtney.” “You are okay.” or “You are doing this for attention.” Growing up, when I started cutting or getting depressed, I got grounded. My mother never got me the help, and that caused me to attempt suicide. Everyday she has told me that I was okay, till I actually believed that. If me cutting myself, trying to kill myself, having these overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and sadness, is okay. Than I’m more than okay. In my house, I was the black sheep, I got left out of things, I got picked on and talked bad about through out the entire family, and even got beaten until I became twenty. My family has been this way since I was a child, I remember all those moments of being beaten by my mothers friend, to being locked in my room with nothing, not being able to eat without getting hit in the head, to being called horrible names, and being wished dead. When I became an adult, I left and moved in with stranger after stranger. Those situations were terrible too, the last house that I was in, this year...I had to leave because of how they treated me, they were controlling and abusive. I’m back with my grandparents who doesn’t want me here. My siblings have nothing to do with me, my mom doesn’t want to talk with me, (well she lost her husband, my step dad yesterday and they blame me for everything) anyways, besides my family hating me, and neglecting to help me with my mental health, yet be there for me....I struggle with way worse: getting bullied by strangers on the internet and outside of the internet. They see my arms with cuts and call me an attention seeker, they say that I’m an attention seeker for being depressed and suicidal, they even tel me to talk with someone, yet that’s the problem. I HAVE tried to reach out to people, on Reddit, on other groups that is suppose to be full of support, I’ve tried getting a doctor, I’ve called the hotlines, but I get refused help. I need someone to be there for me, to listen, to let me cry, to believe everything that has happened to me. Right now, I’m debating on suicide, because I’m hurting so much, I’m so angry of the way everyone has treated me and rejected me. When someone says they want to help, to be my friend and to listen, it’s hard to believe...I’m sorry to say, because everyone has walked away, turned against me, lied to my face, ignored my pain. In just this year, I’ve been sexually assaulted, in an abusive relationship, been bullied, so much other things that are bothering me.


I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN, BUT DOES ANYONE HEAR ME? of course not, I’m a worthless person, who doesn’t deserve love, or support....I’m tired of being a black sheep to the world. I’m in a toxic home right now, but no body cares. I’m depressed, harming myself and suicidal, no body cares. I have no friends, no body cares....my heart hurts, I have melt downs, and cry every night, no one cares...once that bottled up emotions explodes into anger, of pain and sadness, everyone starts caring and starts jumping on me with insults, punches, calling the cops on me (my family) I’ve never intentionally hurt someone, but I’ve tried reaching out...and no one has helped me.
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