teks: I thought I was over my feelings for my friend. Few days ago they started coming back and I realize I can never have what I really want with her. Continuing on seems pointless.My asexual friend and I had a serious rough patch a few years ago. Stopped talking to each other until last year and things haven’t been the same, understandable since I was horrible towards her. She was coming out as ace and all I wanted was a relationship with her, and I didn’t support her. Tried to convince her to just give it a shot, telling her I didn’t want sex, just more like a working partnership. She wasn’t interested in me, explained that she just couldn’t see me in the way, and things went downhill, and I spent a few years in a spiral. Started eventually going to therapy and getting better, and she came back into my life.

Now all these years later, she has a partner and does cam shows. She’s not romantically or sexually interested in anyone. But she has the roommate/partner person that I always wanted to be. Even more than I ever wanted because she’s doing porn. And I should be happy. She has someone who cares about her and didn’t reject her like I did. And now she’s happy, as far as I can tell. 

I even have a relationship of my own. We’ve been together for years through some serious stuff. I should be happy with what I have. I should be happy my friend has found something that makes her happy. I should be happy she’s in my life again at all. 


And I’m not. I’m miserable. I thought I was past this. And apparently I’m not. She has exactly what I’ve always wanted. And I have no obligation to that, nor am I entitled to anyone’s feelings. I don’t get to choose who someone cares about. I just wish I could choose who I care about. Because it’s tearing me apart inside knowing that the person who I’ve been telling myself for years I couldn’t be with because she didn’t want that with anyone; now has someone she wants that life with. And it isn’t me. And I’ve never wanted to put a gun to my head so badly.
kelaskan text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, bagi dalam JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}