classify text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}

teks: I can't do it anymoreHi &amp; thanks to whoever is reading this. 
I'm 19 and I have the house to myself for a couple of days, and I've got a bunch of pills, alcohol and a plastic bag ready...
I've had these feelings for the longest time but I always told myself that I would never actually do anything until my parents died before me, but I just can't wait that long anymore. 
Yesterday I tried cutting my neck with a knife, I just wanted to punish myself, even just a little but I couldn't do it... I don't know why but I just couldn't, I didn't draw any blood at all and the only damage I did was a pathetic red mark. I hate myself for having no conviction and being too weak to do it but this time it feels different, it feels like I can succeed. 

This isn't just a temporary problem, I'm the problem, that's permanent. I have to live with myself every. single. day and I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick in the head, I can't do anything right. I'm afraid to go out of the house, talk to anyone, show my ugly, messed up excuse of a face... Every day I try. I get out of bed, try to look my best and go out of the house to university but most days I just can't, I just come right back. The days in which I'm successful are terrible days with me feeling like a stack of cards trying desperately not to collapse. 

I have numerous physical, mental and physiological problems. One of them is extreme hyperhidrosis and I begin pouring sweat out like a fountain the moment someone even looks at me. Excuse my french but seriously, fuck that shit. I can't do it anymore. I'm stupid, pathetic, ugly, there is no reason at all for my existence and there never will be.

I don't really love anyone, I love my parents I guess but mostly just because I feel sorry for them that they had such a fuck up like me. For a while I thought I was gay because I didn't like girls, but it turns out I don't like guys either. I don't like anyone and I don't feel anything and I have no friends and even though that's who I am and how I like it, in the back of my mind I still want to feel like a part of something and be liked.
I can't see myself having a family or whatever in the future though... I can't see myself at all really. What's the point? My time is here I think. I don't know what to say. I'm already dead inside, I only need to get rid of this empty shelled abomination and I really think I might. I'm so close. The only thing I'm sad about is my family and how they'll react, they don't deserve that but at the same time I irrationally hate them for keeping me trapped in this world.
self-harm