kelaskan teks [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], teks `19, estranged from the world, and feeling like leaving everything behind.My name is Charley, I'm nineteen years old.
I don't feel like I love my family, nor do I feel loved. I feel very emotionally numb sometimes, and the only time I thaw is when I cry, only to psych myself up afterwards to ignore the real issues.
I live with my parents, which I feel isn't really all that unacceptable. They're normal parents, and I don't feel "under their thumb", nor do I feel restricted because of them.
I've always been sort of an easy kid.

I go to a community college, which is something I should feel very grateful and interested in, and at times I am. 
But nights like this just really bring me down, and make me very passionate about just getting in my car and driving nowhere in particular, regardless of what becomes of me.
At some points I do feel suicidal, but it's sort of just an aggressive recklessness (like driving extremely fast down back roads).

On a more personal note, I play guitar. I'm an aspired musician and I love music passionately, though I feel like I let it consume me in negative ways. I feel very sexually frustrated as well, and I have suspicions that I'm bipolar, because my emotions go up and down throughout the day. 
I'm against medications, or telling me parents anything because all they'll suggest is to put me on medications.
I tell myself alot, and am told by people alot (online) that I should just wait it out, and that I well find my place soon.
But this sort of reclusive life has been going on for about 5 to 6 years, and it's gotten really intense the last several months. 
I'm pretty quiet in the public, I have no friends, nor do I feel like I could handle some at this point. Sometimes I hate people alot, other times I desperately need them, and want love and support and just good old fashioned fun, something I've never really experienced since I was 10-13.
I procrastinate alot, and cannot find myself able to just sit down and study. My mind feels like it runs constantly, making it hard to sleep sometimes. 
If I need to calm down, I find that I just can't, and must wait until it just works itself out.

I honestly and truly don't know what to do. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel different, and the next day the same, but tonight I'm just going through the idea of just packing up my stuff and just leaving town and let the reality of the world have me. Sometimes I find some kind of romanticism in going out on my own and changing, maybe growing up a little more. But I know staying put is the RIGHT choice, but its a choice my body and mind just repel with a passion.

I'd appreciate any words of advice or encouragement. 
This whole post is being driven while listening to music,
so I'm feeling somewhat vulnerable. 

P.S The only reason I'm posting on SuicideWatch is because sometimes I do put myself in danger, and have uncontrollable urges and fits of frustration against myself.`
self-harm