kelaskan teks {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, bagi dalam bentuk JSON {'label'}, teks `Meaningful relationshipsI don't have, or have ever had, a relationship where I felt cherished, understood or respected. My mother and father had me early and split up early when I was little. My mother worked 2 jobs while my father raised someone else's 3 children. The other kids all called him dad which made me very sad. I didn't understand why I had to share my dad. But I soon understood that they were sharing him with me because that was their dad now. As such, I have always felt unwanted. My dad eventually had to be court ordered just to visit me. 

Because my mother worked so much, I was mostly raised by my mentally ill grandmother who was extremely paranoid mistrusting of everyone. Every time I was with her, she pretty much downloaded all her paranoid ideas and mistrust of people into me. As such, I am pretty mistrusting of everyone as well. I generally feel like most people don't like me, have bad intentions when approaching me, and have hidden negative meanings when speaking to me. Because of this outlook I generally just do not like people, and those that I *do* like, I can't open up to at all. I just don't know how to. On top of that, the military has made me very rigid, blunt, and direct when I speak. People think I'm an asshole, and I *am* an asshole, but unintentionally so and I don't know how to fix it. 

I have a thick and heavy blanket of lonliness that weighs me down all the time. It's like a deep fog that I can't see beyond. It's difficult to breath because it's so thick. It makes me feel so unloved. I wish I had a circle of friends or anyone who gave a shit about me, really. I just want to be loved, felt, and understood. I want to combine my soul with other people in a way that feels otherworldly. Like you just get each other. It will never happen though, I've gotten too old, too emotionally hardened, and too busy for that to happen at this point. 

Truthfully, I just hate myself. I fantasize about hanging myself constantly throughout the day.  I hate everything about myself really. I truly feel like I am a disgusting human being. The only reason I haven't done it, is because I'm scared about what I'm going to find on the other side of this thing. And if there is truly nothing, then I feel like I should just ride this thing out as long as I can, but I just don't want to anymore. My desire to live is like a match right before it goes out. It's there but it could easily not be there if the wind blows the wrong way. 

I'm scared of God. I'm not a good person. I have done a lot horrible things. I'm not exaclty scared of him sending me to hell or something, I just don't want the disappointment of an infinitely powerful and eternal being. I mean if God is disappointed in you, then wow, how could anything be worse than that. Imagine coming face to face with God and he wont even look you in the eyes because he's so disappointed. Like he gave you the gift of life and all you did was complain about it, hurt other people in it,  and then you killed yourself. Maybe thats why he sends us to hell, because he can't stand the sight of some of us. I don't blame him. Some of us are trash that should be thrown into the fire.

Too scared to die, too scared to live.`
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}