teks: Ever since my dad died, it feels like I yo-yo between the edge of my limits and "fine" much more than I used to.I've had suicidal thoughts ever since I could remember. I'd just picture it in random places around me, almost like a vision of an alternate turn of events in another universe where I decided to just go for it. When I was a young teenager the suffocating feeling in my chest started and it's never gone away when I'm having the visions. Earlier in 2015 my now-fiance was concerned about me and called the suicide hotline, and the nice woman on the phone convinced me to go to a therapist. I've stopped going since (it didn't feel like it was helping me much even though he was a nice guy. I didn't have the thoughts to kill myself often enough to talk about it every time I saw him). I felt like I had a good grip on how to cope with the daily stuff and I started medication (which I have since tried to get back into a habit of taking regularly).

Fast forward. My step mom died in July. My dad was diagnosed with cancerous tumors in the same week. He followed soon after her and died in September. It's been a rough time. Anyway, I'm a teacher, and lately everyone at work seems to assume I will keep working at max efficiency when it is a struggle for me to just get out of bed when I'm having a bad day. Even on good days, normal tasks take so much longer and more effort than they used to, and I find myself getting closer and closer to the edge of what I can stand. 

I'm not sure what you guys feel, but for me it's like feeling like the skin you're in is wrong or ill-fitting and you can't get out of it or shrug it off, and at the same time there's a balloon in my chest that inflates and deflates sporadically.

I just want to stop hurting. It seems more and more like it would be better to not be here than to let everyone down with my failures. And I'm tired of trying to bullshit an answer when I get the "why?" of my feelings when explaining them to people.

Please tell me I'm not alone...I'd love to hear anyone else's story who can relate. 
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