kelaskan teks [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], teks `I feel like I'm close to breakingI posted in depression some time ago, several weeks I think. Not sure. I said then, among other things, that I wasn't suicidal. Not really. Because it doesn't matter and nothing really does. But now despite my suffering being utterly irrelevant to anything at all in the grand scheme of things, I'm starting to feel like I want it to end sooner rather than later. I still don't think I would kill myself, but I'm not as certain as I used to be. I just...

Time erases all joy and sorrow, so it doesn't matter when I die. "BuT aLl YoUr LoVeD oNeS wIlL bE sAd!" And then they'll eventually die too so that doesn't matter either. Oh sure, it sounds horrible to say, and I'll be devastated when any more of my own friends or family die, but then I'll die eventually so that won't matter, won't have mattered. It sounds terrible but it's true. And helping other people doesn't matter because their joy will eventually wither as well.

"ThIs ToO sHaLl PaSs." Yep it sure will and then SO WILL ANY HAPPINESS I FEEL IN THE FUTURE SO THAT DOESN'T FRIGGIN HELP EITHER!!! This saying is the worst possible thing I could ever hear!

"LoL a ThInG iSn'T bEaUtIfUl BeCaUsE iT lAsTs!" Actually, it partially is though, because anything that didn't last isn't beautiful anymore.

"yOu HaVe To MaKe YoUr OwN mEaNiNg!" There's no meaning to be made if nothing lasts forever, because it's going to be erased anyway. Everything will. But none of the religious views on the afterlife posited help in any way either. Oh we reincarnate? Doesn't help because we apparently lose all memories. Heaven or hell? An eternal afterlife based on our finite decisions. Gross. Atheism? Oh great, we all get made didn't happen by the void at the end of the universe, no practical difference between us having existed and never having existed at all.

I've heard all these things from people at some point or another, all are things from people who don't seem to have thought them through to the end. Or they seem like empty words people cling to to avoid thinking about the reality of the matter. 

And ultimately, I hate being human... I hate needing other people. I hate the fact that talking about this shit helps, just thinking about it doesn't, because apparently, no matter how intelligent I think I am, I'm too stupid to think along the right pathway to get past this. I hate how susceptible we are to gimmicky bullshit mind games. For example, did you know that people have lost weight just by switching the size of their plates? Because apparently we as a species are so incredibly idiotic that we think we're eating more food if our food is on a smaller plate. Ugh.  

I hate that so many people have told me I need to schedule my life. Scheduling is a self imposed rut that murders passion for the sake of efficiency and I hate it. 

I hate being a social animal. I hate the fact that we seem to be nothing more than slaves to each other with no masters. Everyone influences everyone, there's no real individuality or independence to be found, apparently. We're all just mirrors reflecting each other, there's even neurons in our brains that exist for no other purpose than to compel us to behave this way. 

That's another depressing thing, how much like stupid meat robots we all are.

And just knowing that someone out there will read this helps just a little more, but my realization of that fact also makes it hurt just a little more. 

Am I making any sense? Probably not. I posted most of what came to mind, and I so often feel out of phase with other people anyway. I'm still afraid, but it hurts less now I guess. 

And I have trouble trusting doctors. It... So when you take your car to a mechanic you don't trust there's always a risk they might weaken something on your car so you have to go back and give them more money. Why wouldn't doctors do the same thing with the medications they give you? I know people usually say it's because they're not sociopaths, but putting aside the fact that some of them most likely are, you don't have to be a sociopath to do horrible things for money... And I've been on medications before, and I'm honestly terrified of being dragged off to a mental institution and being forced onto them again. They made me feel... Not right. And I feel like I'm taking an incalculable risk just by posting this...

Still going to I guess... I feel like I need a better conclusion. It doesn't matter, though.`
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