kelaskan teks [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], teks `Collection of thoughts.I hate being here, not just on earth but I mean being on this website, on this subreddit. Posting this is probably that little animal part of me needing to socialize or my fucking vanity to be witnessed. I want to die, but I cannot for the sake of my family, or mayby I tell myself that because Im a coward. My mother already lost her brother to suicide and the thought of making her cry again breaks my heart. My brothers are finally arriving where they want to be, after having pushed through with their blood, sweat and tears and are generally content. The few friends I have I dont bother with my problems much, and I know that they'd get over it. Im also sure my family would've been better off without me and I honestly curse my birth. I've tried to make my mother understand a few times before but she tells me 'I wouldve been so sad if you wouldnt exist'. How can you be sad if at best you had an idear of another child. 

Im sorry for some of you without families here and I sincerly wish I could trade with you, under the condition you'd do better than me and use the opportunity properly. Honestly though, I'd sacrefice alot of people if it were a magical guarantee that I'd achieve my goals in life. Other times I dream to die saving someone, that way my family might have an easier time coming to terms with the situation.

Like many of you I feel selfish and worthless. I know my faults and try to push myself into becoming productive, yet for some fucking reason I falter. Lazyness, stupidity, bad luck, a mix of all, it varies. Even though Im young I feel wasted and old. I've been through too many gut punches and even when someone tells me Im strong for enduring all the crap since childhood, I feel like they do not have the whole picture to make a proper assesment, are being obtuse or just mouthing the same old shit not wanting to really bother with the situation.

 I wont recount everything that has happened to me, only this. Things were getting better, starting to get my life back on a steady course, obviously though things went tits up. Made me realize that whatever I try wont succeed or be mediocre at best, there are many people that get dealt shit cards and still manage to pull through. I am not one of them. To see that you can do nothing while wanting to do so much is cruel.

Im trying desperately to let go of my desires, looking into stoicism and monk lifestyles. Not so I can find joy or happiness but to pass the time in relative calm by cutting myself off from all emotion so that my family at the very least doesnt have to look at a self-loathing useless mongrel. Life for me is just this torturous ride of dissapointment, sadness, loathing and frustration

Thank you for bearing with this. Theres more I want to share but I think this is it for now. Little that it does for you, I hope you find something that makes you content with yourself.`
self-harm