teks: Just another fuck upI'm 19 years old and I've experienced symptoms of moderate depression for the past 6 or 7 years, but this summer, the symptoms got a lot more severe. I thought it was just seasonal and due to the fact that I didn't get to see many of my friends, so I was hoping it would be better when school started up again for me. It didn't, and now everything's going to shit. 
My credit load is over full time, I work 2 jobs to pay for school, rent, and my car, and I'm also working for two different professors. The only problem is, I have zero motivation to do anything anymore. Every little thing is so much more difficult now, be it trying to keep up my focus, or even smiling at my friends in passing. I don't have much of an appetite anymore, and because I can't sleep at night due to my stress level, I can barely force myself to wake up to go to 10am classes. On the rare occasions when I do muster up enough energy to go to school, I think about killing myself multiple times a day. I've forgotten nearly every ambition I had going into college and I can't imagine any sort of future for myself anymore.  
I have no idea what the hell happened. Last year, I got a 4.0 both semesters and this semester, I'm about to fail three classes. If I fail, the financial stress it would put on me would be too great. After weighing my options, it seems like the only way out is if I die. Late last night, I spent 2 hours sitting on a high bridge over a river that runs through my campus. After talking myself into it, I climbed over the railing. I'm too much of a fucking pussy though, and I couldn't gather enough courage to actually jump off.
Last night was fucking terrifying, but I know unless I get help, it won't be the last time I try to do that. I don't want to feel like this anymore. For the first time in my entire life, I'm admitting that I need help. I'm really scared, though, and I have no idea where to turn. I've been lying to doctors for years, telling them everything was okay because I was somehow managing to get by. I don't want my friends to know about this because I don't want them to be worried. My parents don't believe that depression is actually real, and whenever they've noticed how I feel, they tell me that I shouldn't feel sad and that life is just stressful.
Maybe life is just stressful. But I don't think it's supposed to be this fucking miserable. But if this is how you're supposed to feel all the time, then I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe I'm just another fuck up and the world will be fine with out me.
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