teks: Pouring my heart out in hopes of someone responding.  Hello r/SuicideWatch. My name is Blake. I'm a 21 year old African-American male and a junior in college at a college within the southern United States. I've made posts to this subreddit before. This will be my last one.  First off, I'm going to tell you a little about what I've gone through. 

 Mentally I am very exhausted. I feel as if I have nothing more to live for. At this point I simply go day to day living life blindly and trying to make the best of every situation. I never had any real close friends growing up, but I just dealt with it. Whenever I got involved with a girl I fell quickly, normally resulting in failure or disappointment in the form of me being used or led on. I'm that guy that is cool with everyone. I pride myself on being a good person and trying to bring happiness into other people's lives even if mine is a living hell. I was fairly gifted academically as a child. That was about the only thing I had going for me. My father, bless his poor soul, pushed me ridiculously hard. He was never really a father to me. I see him more as a dictator, and I'm the peasant who ca't do anything right. I received a full scholarship to college and lived there for 2 years. The summer semester of 2011 I attempted suicide, and last semester I made all F's. Now I live back at home with my parent's and genuinely have to pretend everything is ok because they'd never be able to handle the real truth of that I go through.. That I want to die every single day and night, yet somehow have to maintain my sanity and a stable life. Never did I see myself reaching this point mentally. The thoughts of dying and living a useless life keep me awake at night. I **have** to take melatonin to get a good night's sleep. I feel as if everything that has occurred in my life.. people letting me down, using me, my dad never caring despite living with me, no one understanding.. I feel as if it all is just festering inside me.. waiting to burst out. I want to explode. Therapy did not help. Nothing has helped. I feel genuinely lost..

I'm that guy that people usually get along with. They come to me for help and say I'm wise beyond my years. No one could ever imagine what I go through on a daily basis. The thoughts are so overwhelming. I told the people I'm closest to.. they have no idea what to say. My mom doesn't want to know, nor do I want to stress her out more than she already is. There's absolutely no talking to my dad. Anti-depressants.. the same way I don't want to rely on melatonin to fall asleep, I don't want to have to rely a pill to make it through the day. If I have to take some drug every day just to make it through it, then I'd simply rather not live at all. 

I just need someone to talk to. In all honesty that's all I've ever needed/wanted. I don't lie, am trustworthy, am willing to talk about anything, and don't judge by race/looks/weight/sex/sexual orientation or any of that stuff. I'm just me and wish someone would be themselves to me as well. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to keep living like this.. I think I'm done.. done with everything.. I've been wanting to die for years now. I hate it.. Someone, anyone, please help. 
kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]
self-harm