kelaskan teks {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, teks `Some help, guys? Would really appreciateBackground: Im in high school. My life has been extremely lucky and privileged so far. Ill just explain everything- I have nowhere else to turn to. My parents have gone to Ivy league schools, achieved a lot, yada yada yada- they put huge amounts of pressure on me. I used to be a perfectionist with all A's and constant anxiety attacks and crying fits from all the stress of the AP classes and all the other shit I have to do to not disappoint everyone. My former tough army sergeant dad pushes me out into 'the real world' to get some experience every summer. Last summer he signed me onto a junior cycling team that travels to Europe (I'm from USA) and I failed everything, even though Ive been training hard all the time. My dad can be very very loud and violent when I don't 'reach my potential' so I think over the past years Ive internalized that, always yelling at myself, putting myself down- constantly- its always part of my life ALL THE TIME. Ive started to realize I've become extremely harsh on myself, and the cycling misadventure really shot down self esteem- I feel entirely incapable of everything I try. After graduating grad school, my mom raised the 3 of us, often explicitly telling me I ruined her life. She constantly yells at my dad, he takes it out on me, I started all of it- i shouldn't be alive. I also have this extreme anxiety around people- even friends, even family. Everyone is, whether some conceal it better than others, hell bent on survival, every interaction is to satisfy selfish needs. So when people try to speak to me, they are simply trying to manipulate, control, splay every weakness i have. I have started to stay in my room all the time, avoiding everyone. I can't trust anyone, can't speak, everything I say or attempt looks so mediocre, weak.
   Im terrified of failure, my own emotions, success, moving forward. I don't want to fail again like in Europe- falling away from the pack to brave the cobblestone alone for 100 miles, it's terrifying. I haven't felt happiness or any emotion in months- my conscience keeps pushing it down, I don't deserve to be happy. It's so hard to never be able to just sit still and relax. Im incapable of everything, it's incomprehensible of even standing up to go shower right now. Other people have drive, purpose- I'm fine with that. It's just the selfish instinct everyone is born with, but for me- I don't have a drive, no pleasure from seeing challenges conquered. I feel like I'm drowning all the time, everyone is just waiting for the perfect moment to manipulate me. I can't concentrate on even reading sci fi books, food has lost it's appeal. People keep telling me to pull through- but I really don't want to. I don't want to get out of this, and go back to my extreme perfectionism, the daily success and failure anxieties, trying to find the double meaning in whatever people say. I have no drive, I just hate myself, I have no drive, no reason to live,  I don't deserve anything, even around kids at school I feel very distant and lost- no one knows I cut- I hate appearing weak. My minds this dark empty void, i think of suicide...a lot. And I live pretty good life, SO I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PULL OUT OF THIS, so many have it worse off! But it's so hard to stay motivated enough to get up in the morning. I fucking hate myself, for no reason at all, just a big fucking idiot. Help? `
self-harm