teks: I think about suicide too muchI’m not sure if this is the correct place to post in since I’m not exactly considering suicide but I thought this subreddit was convenient enough.

I’ve been thinking about suicide way too much. I don’t think I’m depressed and I don’t want to claim to be. I’m well aware there are many many people that are suffering way more than me, but the thought just never leaves my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever do it but it does affect me negatively. I tend to feel really guilty about it because it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful for the life I have. I live in a good home and my parents are really good to me most of the time at least, I have really close friends I could count on so I don’t know why I’m like this.
I’m 17, and I’ve been having these thoughts ever since I was 9. In the past, it was a more serious thing, as I wouldn’t only consider it but I would do things like kind of pull my leg over a window or hold a knife in my hand and point it to myself before realizing “I don’t actually want to do this” and stop.

Rbf, my life was trash as a kid so it’s understandable I guess but as the years went on, I got better. My life has changed a lot and I became stronger and happier. 
Now I try my best to be a positive person. But these thoughts just never leave my mind. On worse days I would stand near the metro train tracks and have to walk back a little just because they look so tempting to jump out in front of. 
I know I’m not going to do it. I’ve recently become more religious and I wouldn’t want to scar the people I care about, though that’s been more difficult as those people recently seriously shrunk in number and there weren’t that many to begin with.
I don’t know what the future is going to look like, I don’t know how these thoughts will develop.  I’m fine for now at least.
I can’t go see a doctor because my parents wouldn’t believe there’s something wrong with me, so I can’t be exactly sure why I’m having these thoughts so often. Maybe it’s a result of exhaustion? Lack of sleep possibly? It does tend to occur on more stressful days.
Maybe this is more normal than I think it is, I don’t know.
Since I can’t see a professional. Reddit is always the next best option to vent in.
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