kelaskan teks {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, teks `I dont want to post here but I also don't know what else to doPerhaps there is a better spot on the internet for my worthless ramblings but I'm not sure where it would be. I feel like typing so I doubt this will end up being my most articulate piece of work but to hell with it.

I've never been able to quite formulate in words what the problem seems to be despite expending no shortage of time and effort at doing just that. Maybe it's the pervasive loneliness and lack of any true or close friends that eats at me the most yet at the same time, I have to recognize that I am the one that pushes people away. I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone should care about myself so I do my best to ensure they don't. It only logical to me that caring is only a burden on someone else and while I'm more than happy to take on that burden, I despise being that burden. Yet despite all this, it's hard not to recognize that I hate being so isolated. I get to watch everyone else enjoy the world with each other while while I'm stuck doing nothing in my own company. 

Maybe it's not the loneliness but instead the lack of goals. There's no shortage of things I have the ability to do but the question of what do I want to do is one I've never had a concrete answer for. Everyone around me seems to have a plan for what they want to do. I don't. I dont know what field or industry I want to be in, weather I want to stay where I'm at or leave, or a long list of other things. It's not that I hate working. I just don't know what to work towards. 

Perhaps the problem instead stems from me not being a huge fan of myself. No I'm not overweight or the ugliest human you've ever seen but I also don't consider myself particularly attractive. I'm also awful in any sort of social environment and despise being in them. Between my lack of ability to hear, fear of messing up, and impressive proclivity to fuck things up, I'll usually avoid interacting with others if possible.

It's possible the problem is a combination of all these things or something else entirely. As I said at the start, I've never been able to quite figure it out. There's probably a lot more I could and should write down but I think I'm done for right now. Maybe I'll edit it in later. I'm also fully aware that there's likely no one that will read this and that's fine. I just simply don't know what else to do.`
self-harm