teks: Reasonable SuicideI would like to preface my thought with the idea that suicide is largely and stigmatically associated with petty or temporally small states of irrevocable discourse.  My life and my cognizance stands contrarily to this vastly overtaking idea.  I've wanted to kill myself for a weighted portion of my life (not even just the latter half), but my emotional state is one of a nonchalant subject.  This may turn into a vast elaboration to which I have been long seeking alternative advice; for at this point, I have not within a decade's time deduced a single piece of viable meaningfulness.

When I was young, my sister was heavily desirous of suicide.  She started cutting her arm (approaching her wrist closer and closer each time) weeks after adopting particularly "volatile" music tastes (lots of screaming metal), or at least that is the term everyone attributed to it.  One day further, I was awoken by a loud consistent ballad of screams.  It was my sister, forcing scissors to her wrist and my mother tentatively but carefully placed a phone call all the while (the police arrived later).  Two years later, she would attempt suicide by overdosing on sleep medication (about 900mg worth), but she failed and discovered her eternal slumber interrupted by bright hospital lights.  Shortly following, she was transported to a psychiatric ward.  My sister was diagnosed with bipolar, and a month of mood stabilizers put her into a "happy" phase to follow.

I have always discovered rich curiosity in relation to human psychology, and such was that I wanted to know why my sister considered such an option a viable one.  For growing up amongst a conservative family, I hadn't a clue what could condense a person's mentality into a single focused goal of initiating a premature resignation.  Wholly was I inspired to develop a mindset that even matched or approached one rational enough to follow what produced my sister's awaited desire.  Over a large period of time, I reasoned much beside those foundational conservative views.  I declared to my (proceedingly reluctant) family that I was an Atheist upon scientific analysis and such was lead into reasoning of the abstract meaninglessness of everything.  Perhaps the subject of living enjoys life because that person is the one who is to decide, for whom they are concerned with, what the meaning of life is.  But I was bothered and shook with a bit a perpetual realization: that of which concerns the only common and converged meaning of leaving later, and not now, is that out of absolute selfishness that one may be remembered to proceed their absence.  Why read the entire book when, minus that between the extremas, we know what will happen and why not shut it with the knowledge that there is no way to modify its conclusion?  Shall we respond, "because the book's beef is impermissible on behalf of the reader's enjoyment?" But such would be equally and tediously false, for then life is based upon the paranoid struggle of pyramidal accomplishment.

Many reason suicide out of existential discontent, and there seems no other reasonable generalization of concluding psychological backing (because psychological conclusion is always based upon conditional paradigms).  My reason is one out of paranoid discontent with the fact that nothing shall ever be objectively known.  But shall I thence tell of those accomplishments I have done?  Perhaps you were expecting me to speak of all of the ways I have ruined my life, or perhaps I would word it as to speak of how others have ruined my life.  However, I am currently depicted in one of the highest educational statures of the world, bridging me a full ride to any graduate college that I would like.  I am knowledgeable of a sizable amount of programming languages, and I am quite a well known freelancer.  Upon entering my 'game of life,' I can proceed in making six figures with an entry level salary.  Might I note that that hitherto was included not for those who think me a narcissistic idealist, but rather those who think me a desperado.

So why a decade?  You may proceed to inquire.  Surely I've made plans to detract my position from livelihood preceding, more than once or thrice.  I am currently living in a deserted state of cognition, remaining here if only for the sake of my girlfriend, who does not wish for me to leave so soon.  No, I have not forced her into a position of liability, for she is content with the floating idea of suicide, but reasons a pleasurable stay all the while.  And such is that many of my long abided intellectual acquaintances reason identical logic, only to ask me why they still see me around each time I spot them.  The latter half of my friends I spot in my mirror each morning, and they ask me why they still see me around.  And I cannot respond with an answer that is definitively clear or blurry, but rather one that is systematically observational.
kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]
self-harm