classify text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, text `After taking care of my mentally ill mom and sister for a couple years as a kid they’ve gotten better but I feel like dying.I’m sorry that this is long. TL;DR is the title.

My mom and my sister (5 years older, I’ll call her S) have a long list of mental illnesses. My mom has mostly recovered and my sister is getting better but around 2014-2016 when I was 11-13, things were REALLY bad. Without going into to much details, my parents filled for divorce and some other things happened which broke my mom. She attempted suicide. She ended up in the hospital for two weeks and was diagnosed with a stack of mental illnesses and was put on meds. She came home and S and I basically took care of her but S wasn’t doing well and was getting skinnier and skinnier. My mom was cutting a lot, I walked in on her a few times and she didn’t even notice me. So much blood was dripping from her arm, so damn much blood. What is an 11 year old supposed to do when he sees this? I had no clue what to do so I ignored it. 

My sister was doing worse and worse and was eventually diagnosed with an eating disorder as well as a couple other things and put in a hospital. Of course this didn’t help my mom’s situation and the cutting got so much worse and she was sleeping all day because of her meds. After my sister got out of the hospital, she tried to commit suicide a few times. For quite a while there was daily screaming matches between S and my mom. One would start to get upset about something then the other would get upset because the first person was upset and it would just keep escalating, all while I sat there and pretended it wasn’t happening. I’d see fresh bandages on my mom’s arm and ignore it, I’d hear my mom or my sister crying in her room and ignore it, I’d see my sister secretly working out and ignore it. I though that bringing attention to it would make them upset so I didn’t. They forgot my birthday that year.

At this point, I, a 12 year old, was now taking care of my mother, my older sister and myself. I made all of my own food, cleaned up the house, got myself to and from school, and made sure my mom and my sister were both breathing when I came home. I took care of them but at the same time I ignored what was happening to them and I ignored how I felt. I thought that I couldn’t cause any problems or voice how I felt because I was worried that if I wasn’t okay then everything would fall apart so I became the rock, the person that they didn’t have to worry about. I was so focused on making sure that I ignored how I felt that I stopped feeling anything. After a few years, they’ve both slowly gotten better but I’m stuck. You could ask me how I’m feeling right now and I wouldn’t know the answer, let alone how to express it. I’m numb except for the occasional time I’m angry. Other than that I feel nothing. I’m empty. 

I’m probably missing a lot of events and stuff because don’t remember much from the past few years but some times the stuff I do remember gets stuck in my head. I still don’t like to go out with friends and I don’t even have real friends because I still put on that facade but I try have friends because I feel like I have to be okay and people that are okay have friends. I just stay in my room while my family hangs out with my mom’s boyfriend and his daughter. I don’t care about school because I feel like I won’t even make it to university but I still try to do school work because my mom yells at me and gets really upset and calls me lazy if I don’t. 

Everyday I think about how much better everything would be if I was dead but I feel like a coward because I haven’t done it yet. There are two reasons I haven’t killed my self yet: 
1. Attempting suicide is something my mom and S would do and I want to be nothing like them. 
2. Slitting your wrists and taking pills have too high of failure rates, there are no tall buildings around me and I don’t have access to a gun. Those are starting to feel like they’re not good enough reasons to keep living. I know I’m depressed but I hate admitting it because of what my mom and S being depressed did to me. I’m just so done with every thing and I don’t even know why I’m writing this.`, return in JSON {'label'}
{"label": "self-harm"}