teks: Falling Back to Bad ThoughtsWell, hello SW. I figure I need to entertain the part of me that says just hold on, but I need someone to talk to. I've been to this point several times before, but each time I would rationalize living for certain people or pass out just purely emotionally taxed.  

The last time was a year ago and I decided I would live for my two best friends. They were a couple of the only people who made me truly happy, and I would do anything for them to make them happy as to return the favor. 

There are so many things wrong that I've done in the past, terrible things I've said, mistake after mistake, more than I have the will to share.  To boil it down, I came to the realization that I was feeling a little too much for one of those friends and hating the other, they were in a relationship and I acted stupidly at the whim of my own selfish rationale. 

After my stupid action, I discussed my feelings and apologized prompting my leaving them. I decided I needed to stay away from them, they deserve far better.  Over the course of the next month, it really started to sink in. 

I've driven everyone I care about away, leaving me by myself. I have parents who love me, I know I can apply myself to my studies, but I stopped trying about a year ago. I realized, what's the point if I'm just going to end up ending it eventually? I was in a bad place, and stopped going to classes, I'd end up just sitting there, contemplating my own existence all class, on the verge of tears, frustrated with myself for being this way, WHY THE FUCK could I just not get over it.

What's the point, if everyone I've tried to be close to or even start something with, I either push away or just get pushed away? I've tried dating quite a few times but I always end up just stopping abruptly before anything can really begin. 

I've been prone to these bouts of depression many times before, and I usually just hold out for better and push through. But this time, it's different. Why should I bother living if I can only subject myself to repeated failure. At this point in my life (early twenties) I have potential, but I can never use it for anything more than hurting those I love. I think I should just hurt them all one final time.
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