teks `Out of the blue i realized I could kill myself discreetly by not taking my meds; suddenly suicidal againI've been doing better recently- very little self-harm or serious suicidal thoughts in the past while. Two weeks ago I had a sudden, serious, so-far unexplained medical emergency on top of my existing painful chronic condition.

I realized this morning that if I didn't take my pills I would die.

 **Instantly** I snapped back into obsessive suicidal thoughts. I guess I had been feeling mildly suicidal the past little while but it feels wierd and creepy that its come on so strong and so fast. 

Right now the main thing that gives me pause is that there are three possible deaths from not taking the meds, and one is unacceptably slow and painful. The other two would be fine so long as no one found me too soon. 

I have a tentative feeling like its probably a good thing that possibility is staying my hand. But my brain says thats ridiculous, I should be grateful to have such a subtle and effective way in my reach. 
 

My family isnt a concern. I would leave my partner first and settle things out so its easier. Anywhere else Im replaceable. It would probably take a week or two to set it up.

I keep thinking- I shouldnt want this. But then I cant think of any convincing reasons why I shouldnt want this. All I can do is read, and write. Not go out, not do real shit. Physical and emotional pain worsening each other.


I see how fast I snapped back into suicidal ideation, and it does worry me a bit that it happened so suddenly as if it was outside of my control. The only times Ive felt that snap before is when my PTSD was triggered, but it hasnt been in a few months now. I dont know if Im so used to wanting to die that my mind falls into that rut when I have a good method, or if its just a sign that Ive been too tired for too long and cant continue.

Imagine the Twilight Zone episode Time Enough At Last if his glasses hadnt broke but he was hideous (or disfigured) and bedridden in the wreckage of his former life. How long do you think he would have actually lasted? Surely not so long as he assumed.`, kelaskan teks guna labels [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis]
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