teks: "The timing would be awful..."We have our first family vacation camping trip next week. The following week our childhood friend is finally tying the knot with his lady &amp; as a result my husband &amp; I will finally have some long overdue alone time for a few days. 

"The timing would be awful," is the only thing that stops me from attempting this past week. But what happens when its not any more? What if these fucking trips I'm doing all the packing &amp; preparing for don't do anything to bring me out of this funk? I start putting it off for my brother &amp; cousin's birthdays? I put it off for my own? And then thanksgiving &amp; the holidays after? 

I'm sick of it. 

I get spit at, kicked, hit, pissed &amp; shit on by my toddler kids regularly. Neither of them nap any more so my only "me time" is what I can spare crying while I wash dishes after they're finally asleep at night. My husband works so much that it feels like all our interactions are over the phone when he has a break or at 4 in the morning when he's finally home &amp; wants to have sex. He's probably feeling affection starved but I'm so fucking exhausted. I'm so worn down. I don't even feel human any more. 

I'm just some robot named, "mom."

I make the schedules &amp; routines. Constantly monitor the shopping lists &amp; appointments. Arrange the meetings &amp; learning for the kids. I'm my husbands daily alarm clock &amp; snooze warning. I'm the dish washer, the wash machine &amp; dryer. I'm the answering machine &amp; reluctant secretary that fields all of our calls - most of which are for my husband. I'm the broom, the vacuum cleaner &amp; mop. I'm the garbage disposal for all the meals my family won't eat &amp; I refuse to waste. I'm the ever vigilant body guard for the kids to make sure they don't kill themselves - and that's my most human role of all.

My other friends don't get it.

They have careers &amp; parent, so why can't I do it as a stay-at-home mom? I should feel lucky I get to spend so much time with my kids. Its super fortunate that, no matter what, my schedule will always match up with my husband's so I don't have to struggle as hard to make time with him. If I schedule everything, I should be able to arrange some time to work on my book. And the most maddening comment of all, "Just relax a bit."

But I can't relax.

Me relaxing means the whole system falls apart. Dishes get backed up. Laundry isn't done. Trash &amp; food is everywhere. None of that even scratches the surface. The pure work that builds up in a single day takes, at least, a week to get back on top of. Without its machine, the house falls apart &amp; then my husband says, "Tell me what you need done." Behind his back, on the fridge, is a very visible list of ten things that have to be done. At the top of that list is the one thing I've asked him to do outside of his weekly &amp; bi-weekly chores &amp; it has sat there for an entire month now. 

I'm exhausted. 

I'm tired of carrying so much. I'm sick of my things being broken because the kids found it. I'm ill everytime I have to manage the mental load of knowing what needs to happen when all anyone else has to do is open their eyes. My head is constantly pounding over the fact that at the end of the day none of them really care about me, they care about what I have to do for them. My friends only care about my society when I can smile for them &amp; tell them they're being good parents to their kids too. I'm just here because others need me &amp; I'm so fed up with it.
kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], bagi dalam JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}