teks: I have wanted to die most of my lifeI've had one suicide attempt and dealt with anxiety and depression since middle school, sometimes thinking about dying consumes me and im in so much pain my heart feels weak because of it and I write letters to my loved ones apologizing and yelling them how much I love them. Sometimes ill just be at work and have a subtle passing thought about it. It feels constant and the worst realization ive ever had in counseling was that even if all of my dreams came true tomorrow it still wouldn't be worth everything that I've dealt with. Its so hard to have any hope. All I want is love but im not interested in getting to know anyone anymore its not fun it's exhausting. I have absolutely no capability of trusting someone to be loyal to be and I always self sabotage, i don't know how to stop or push these feelings away. I want to die I can't even attempt to risk another attempt at love the thing I want the most because I can't handle it the looming heartbreak, and it's not that I'd rather be alone. What is the point in living if you know you will never have the one thing you want most in life. Im so tired I've tried so hard to improve myself and improve my mental health but I truly believe I am beyond repair and it breaks my heart that I can't even love myself enough to want to be alive.
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