classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], text `Living just hurts too muchEvery single day I'm in pain. From the second I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. There is no break. There is no relief. It's always there. Even when I'm happy, even when I can push it to the back of my mind and pretend it doesn't exist, even when I block it out with alcohol or sex or causing myself physical pain to try and make it stop for just one minute it never goes away.

I feel like the whole world, the entire universe, simply exists to cause me pain. Every time I think that maybe life isn't so bad, maybe it's starting to get bearable, maybe I can learn to live with it one day, another bad thing happens. To me, or to someone I'm close to, or even just something that happens inside my head. It probably sounds narcissistic, but I wouldn't feel this way without a good reason. I am an optimist. I try to be an optimist. I try my fucking hardest to see the best in the shittiest of situations - I trust too much, let people into my heart, open myself up to everything life could possibly try to throw at me in the hopes that one day, something might be good enough to make me feel better. To make me feel okay. To make it so that I don't spend every single day suffering.

Everyone makes it sound so simple. "Just go and get help, this isn't the answer, people care about you, there's always an alternative" but I have tried. I have fucking tried time and time again. I have been to doctors. I have been to counsellors. I have been to my family, my friends, my partners, my social workers, "mental health specialists". Nothing has ever worked. Nothing has ever helped. It's been 10 years since I first started feeling this way. Nothing has changed. I've been sent to therapy where we've talked in circles and I've sat there for an hour every week staring at the ceiling wanting to leave. I've been given medication after medication with the promise that "this one is different, it might work for you this time, just try it". I've spoken to my boyfriend, my soulmate, the most important person in my life who I love so much it fucking hurts. I've told him how I feel. I regret it. I hate it. I hate thinking that I could be causing him the same pain I suffer through every day. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves the fucking world. More than I could ever give him. I hate myself so fucking much because he makes me feel things I've never felt before, he makes me happier than I've ever been in my entire life, but it still isn't enough to stop me waking up every morning wishing I was dead. Nothing is enough.

Sometimes I think I can imagine a future, a life where I could be happy, with him. But it would never work. I would never stop feeling like this and I would never stop hating myself for it. I think I'd just be in even more pain knowing that I was dragging him down with me, destroying the beautiful person I adore so much until he's just as broken as me. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. 

I've attempted suicide multiple times. I don't know if I've ever been serious enough about it. I hate my optimism. Part of me always holds out hope that things will somehow get better when the world shows me so much evidence that they never will. I could tell you right now without looking anything up what the most and least effective methods are, which ones are most painful, how you would carry each one out properly. I have researched it extensively and obsessively. Even when I'm not actively suicidal and making plans, it's always there in the back of my mind. I'm always thinking well, if things start to go really wrong for me, that's my backup plan. I spend so much time fantasising about getting into some sort of tragic accident, so that I can finally be free without causing the people I love all the pain of knowing I did it to myself, without being thought of as selfish. 

I think I'm getting there though. To that point where I'm finally ready to do it, for real this time. I'm just so, so, so fucking tired. I'm hurting and I'm tired and I'm just done. Life is too much for me. I know how I'd do it. I know how I'm going to do it. I guess I'm just waiting for the right time.`, return in JSON {'label'}
{"label": "self-harm"}