teks: I am afraid.I am transgender (FTM) and in the closet; A glass closet. A few times I have tried to come out, but in a sarcastic tone, because I was afraid. All my friends laughed, and thought it was hilarious. At this point it is just so blatantly obvious that it hurts. I don’t how they can’t see it. I think it may be my fault. For years I have denied it adamantly: pretended to be upset when someone perceived me as male, spent hours reinforcing their view of me as a hardcore conservative Christian. Now that I am no longer in denial, I feel like I have dug myself into an inescapable hole.

I keep trying to come out to my closest friends for real. I have had the text message saved as a draft in my phone for months. When I go to send it, I remember all of the reasons why I shouldn't tell someone. Many of them have expressed anti-transgender sentiments, and purposely used wrong pronouns. Coming out to my parents at the moment is not an option, as I am almost positive this will lead to disownment, but I will have to tell them eventually. I don’t know how I am going to get myself through college without their support. I fear that I will end up homeless, starving, and alone.

I feel so despaired. Holding all of this in is slowly killing me. I don’t think I can take 3 more years of this. 

Every time I consider killing myself, there are always a few things that stop me; some files on my computer I would prefer no one ever see, or secrets I've been meaning to tell someone. I go to delete the files, or send the text message, and then I think “If I don’t do it, then I will still want these files/ not be able to face this person again.” For the most part, these things are the only reason I’m still alive. I’m afraid that one day, I will actually delete the files, spill my secrets, and have nothing holding me back.

I keep thinking about this kid that committed suicide last year at my school. I had never met him, or even heard of him before. Everyone was talking about him for a week; they were all suddenly his best friend.  After that, it was like he never existed. I keep thinking, what if I actually do it. Will all of the people who have terrorized me be saying “*She* was so talented” “I will really miss *her*”.

And it’s also Christmas. I have to see the family that will soon cease to love me, interact with friends that I will probably never see again after a certain point, and experience the holiday that I will one day be spending alone…

…Unless I kill myself that is…

 I am afraid.

TLDR; They say it gets better, but I just really don’t think it will for me.

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