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teks: Waiting to be evicted from my cold apartment. Winter is not a good time to become homeless.I am a guy in my early 30ies. In 2010 my cat (companion for 10 years) died, my mum passed away, I quit my job and my girlfriend broke up with me. Since then I used my inheritance to basically imprison myself in my own apartment. I grew up without a father and without any siblings. My remaining relatives live in a different city and are not very mobile. Also they are busy with their own lives and they are already used to me not keeping in touch with them. It took 2 years for my relatives to realize that something is wrong and they sent the police to my apartment. By that time I had already tested out a hook to see if it could support the weight of my body. 

The police visit helped me snap out of my depression. I went to see a psychiatrist and I found a female friend who moved in with me. I lead quite an eventful life in 2013 until my roommate decided to return to her home country. She was the center of my life and her moving 9000 km away left me devastated and my depression kicked into full force again. Again I barely left my apartment for several months. Plagued by financial problems, depression and loneliness I recently mustered the courage to see a psychiatrist again. 

I was diagnosed with a mixed personality disorder and depression. I started to take Sertraline (Zoloft in the US) and it really seems to affect my brain chemistry in a positive way. I am not as emotional and impulsive anymore and my frequent depersonalization episodes have ceased as well. But I might have reached out too late. I am behind on my rent and yesterday my landlord turned off gas and electricity for my apartment. I have free psychotherapy starting from next week but I might be homeless by then. 

My country provides a social safety net but I waited too long to apply for financial help because I was too depressed to get any paperwork done and I also was ashamed of the thought of living off welfare benefits. My application is getting processed but my landlord’s patience might run out before I am able to be anything. Anyways after taking my meds I went from a depressed shell of a man to a emotionless shell of a man. 

I have lost (because I stopped contacting them) all of my college friends because I have never graduated and they have moved on with their lives. I have very few friends left (females who can somewhat understand my troubles), no girlfriend, haven’t been intimate with a woman in 2 years, haven’t hugged anybody in 1 year and the worst of all is that I have no future plans. 

I feel like I am struggling to survive every day. I have no idea how to find a job to support myself because I failed to graduate college and I have huge gaps in my resume and barely any work experience and skills. ‘Work, stable friendships, a relationship..All these things that make a human being a human…..I am not having any of those. I feel dead inside and sometimes I am pondering if I should kill my bodily shell as well. 

Thanks for reading and it would be nice if I could find somebody to talk because I have nobody with who I can share the state of mind.
self-harm