teks `I'm recently having really mixed thought i was thinking of dying/killing my self today[I won't do it.. i hope but i really had bad thoguths today and now, Any help would be appreciated.Hi guys,
So there been something wrong with me going on recently. I have good life, i have everything that many people my age don't have which i feel bad for that i even have such thoughts but it's coming from different way.
My thoughts are really cloudy/foggy i cannot think clearly, i often find my self doing something and spacing out in middle of doing it, not fully but i do. 
Mostly i am confused about life, whats the meaning of life i cant imagine my self working 9-5 jobs till im 50 or 60 retire and then do what ? like what is life for create family and do what you want to do but in my case those things won't give you income in order to survive so im guessing i will be stuck with 9-5, the most annoying is that i cannot stop thinking deeper into anything, if i see something im always wondering how it works and why, its really pissing me off, on the other hand its kind of cool learning about everything but i feel my brain is clogged with random stuff and i cant think clearly. I always think of some ideas to invent i have list of plenty ideas but they just forgoten and before i lost document with my ideas, it is somewhere on my pc but idk where but its whatever about it, i just always think too deeply into stuff trying to find meaning and i think it what makes my life such a sh*t because i just waste time and dont do anything with it because its not so easy and it all takes time.
I can't find happiness in my life i have a beautiful and lovely girlfriend that i love but unfortunately she lives across the globe and i been rejected for visa to visit her twice now . We going for long summer holiday to south east Asia, we met before and meeting again which is why i hate my self that i even have such thoughts as today and recent times. I feel really high pressure that im a failure and i need to achieve something quick, and quickest seems suicide... but its not acheivement my thoughts are really mixed and mood swings. I feel i need to be successful already at 21, the only way for me to be happy is to live with my gf and have some stable source of income preferably Online source of income as due to visas we would need to be flexible where to live, Our dream is to live in Barcelona but its ofcourse its hard to achieve unless i came up with some online income which im trying to think of for last few months and still nothing because i cant think clearly/positive, im full of either day dreaming or negativity but mostly negativity which is why negative and negative things happen as someone " be positive and positive things will come" but its really hard for me, money seems to be real issue to live together and idk im already here typing this having another mood swings and want to give up with all, my mind is pretty fked up and clogged sorry for swearing.  Seems im day dreaming too much/thinking too deep into things and trying to change world/coming up with ideas instead of adapting to world we have now and be happy, i overall don't think i suit to be living here i really feel im different from otehrs i realized that i think differently than others i cant seem to blindly follow anything i always need to find deeper meaning.
I really feel bad about my self i wish i could help people in need but i cant even seem to help my self.

Please someone help or is there even a help for me ? I feel im just different.

Thank you for any help !
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