teks: my boyfriend left me and i want to overdosefor reference, i have severe PTSD and abandonment trauma. i've bounced back and forth between toxic relationships, two of which were blatantly abusive and destroyed my self esteem. i came to believe i was worthless and inadequate, and wasn't even aware of how damaged i was until i met my ex-boyfriend. he was the first person to ever treat me like i was worthy of love and consideration and respect. 

he once told me that i wasn't his first choice because i was his only choice. we were so happy together; we discussed marriage and joked about the future...i have really intense trust issues, so it took a lot of coaxing from him before i finally felt safe and secure in our relationship. 

he started pulling away and told me it was b/c of his rOCD and general mental health, and things started falling apart. i became more insecure and afraid and he just avoided me. he dumped me today and said his therapist told him to. he told me he was going to stay with me and loved me in other ways, but just couldn't feel anything for me romantically or sexually. he was sweet about it. 

this all happened within the span of a few weeks and i'm just reeling from feeling like i'd found the love of my life who would jokingly propose to hearing he doesn't even love me anymore. he kept saying he was too emotionally unavailable to be a good boyfriend, and i left work so i could cry.

i got home and i'm high but it feels like it's not enough; i already hurt myself but i'm still upset. i have enough xanax and alcohol to kill myself and i really want to. i just don't see the point. the first time i let my guard down, the first time i actually trust someone, he just disappears. i just want to die. i want my boyfriend back. i wish he still loved me and i don't understand why i'm so unloveable. i just wish i could die. i just want to die. i lost the only thing that ever made me feel like i could be loved. i wish i was dead.
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