teks: Maybe you people can help me understand myselfI am a worthless person, I have been going in a downward spiral for the past 5 years. I am only 17, I know I probably sound like a stupid teenager but it's okay say whatever you want. Right now im laying on my nice couch, in this nice big house, typing this on my nice iPhone, that my father got for me. He has worked his entire life just to spend his hard earned money on me, and I hate it. I think about ending it all the time because I know that Im useless and a waste of my dads money, he could spend all the money hes spent on me on something nice for him instead. Im sorry if the wording of this doesnt make any sense at parts im just typing whatever I think. I dont know why I do the things I do, I wont even know im doing half the things I do throughout the day, until I randomly zone in and have a moment of clarity and think, why did I do that? I skip classes all the time, I smoke pot when I know I shouldnt, I lie to everyone, its a problem and I do it even if i dont have to lie I dont understand why. Every single day I think about how I could save up enough money, and sell all my nice things so I could write my dad a note telling him how much I love him and how I wish I could have been more like my brother and gotten all a's and never done drugs or wasted my time in a stupid band. Im guessing youre all going to comment saying I need to live more and see more of life, and that suicide is selfish and think of all the people youre hurting. But I believe that even if my Parents would be sad if I was gone that in the long run it would make their lives more enjoyable, I guess I wouldnt let them know I committed suicide if I did it, I would have to figure out hoe to stage something so they wouldnt live with guilt the rest of their lives, and so they wouldnt have to go through the pressure of telling people their son committed suicide. I dont really have the need to see the rest of life, I dont care to be completely honest because if I ended it myself than it would all be over, and who knows what happens after that, I dont even have a religion, i guess im an athiest I dont know. Ive been reading posts on SW and the Original poster of almost all of these posts gets help from all the comments and responds again saying "oh Im feeling alot better about my life now" or something like that but I truly believe that i will never be happy, i believe if i keep living i will feel like this for the rest of my life, like a waste of space. The worst part is is that no one knows about my problems, whatsoever, you people are the first people  I have ever spoken a word of this too. No one could guess i was suicidal either, i bet, even if you knew me. 
I hate the feeling when I try and study for all the tests I take but still fail them, I study all the time and still fail. When I bring home my report card and my dad sees it he says its ok but I know hes disapointed, he tells me i need to do better and i really am trying but it doesnt work, and it makes me so sad that i cant even make my own father proud. 
Im not really sure why I wrote all of this anyway, ive pretty much been writing whatever comes to my head and i think i already said that i dont know though.. 
I just had a moment of clarity and i actually feel like somethings off my chest now.
kelaskan text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}
self-harm