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teks: I'm slipping back into my depressive feelings (x-post: depression)I've been doing pretty bad lately. I'm 17 and a HS junior, to begin. I thought everything was okay but lately I've been questioning it a lot.
2016 was a bad year for me. I felt worthless, unloved, and helpless. March of 2016 I was diagnosed with both depression and hypothyroidism. I got on medication for both. Everything was okay at this point. In my head, I thought I was fine. Last summer I started sneaking out with friends and eventually doing drugs with them. This kicked off my habit of lying to my parents.
One day, I told my mom about all of my habits while I was tripping on acid. After telling her, it felt really good to have come clean and I took about a month-long break from drugs, but continued the impulsive sex.
After I started using again, I was in school and my grades were suffering. I'd go to school high almost everyday. I'd hotbox my fwb's truck cabin in the clothes I'd wear to school, and go to school thinking no one would notice. This wasn't who I ever was before. My GPA dropped two whole points in my junior year; I could have gotten a scholarship with my 31 ACT score and 3.8 GPA.
I felt worthless and suicidal at this point so I asked to go to a inpatient hospital treatment place. This happened again two months later. Each stay was about four days.
In January, I spent a little under a month at a treatment program. When I got out, I've been seeing a therapist who helps me with the emotional abandonment from my family. They come in for family sessions sometimes, but all I see is them justifying their behavior.
My grades still suck but I haven't done drugs, had sex, or shoplifted this year at all, fwiw. (Not condoning drugs or sex - I was just doing it for the wrong reasons &amp; couldn't handle it.) Now I'm struggling with overeating. Replace addiction with addiction, right? I used to be in top-tier shape, very toned and active, but now I eat too much and rarely work out. Also, I'm still struggling with motivation. My parents are so incredibly disappointed in me. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I'm doing my best. I feel like my dad doesn't really care about my feelings, he just wants me to pretend like I'm okay so that he feels okay.
Anyway, I feel depressed again. I'm not having suicidal thoughts, but I feel a lack of motivation, hopeless, and worthless. I have a huge urge to use again and although I know I don't want to, I don't know what to do.
I don't want to rebound.
self-harm