teks `feeling like doing itinb4 anything:I may lose the point, because once I start to write something, i just get into it so much I forget about the former thought.

more than ever. I've had suicidal thoughts/been suicidal for about two years now. 9 months ago, I've had two attempts, and only one of them had any effect at all. I feel like I am selfless, yet I am egoistic. I get attached too easily and than the fact, that the -person im attached to- doesn't tell me "you're my great friend" and stuff like that makes me even more depressed. I have problems with trust..because, somewhere inside of me, I know(or..hope) that they probably really like me, but most of myself makes me feel like everyone is just faking the care about me so I don't annoy them that much. That's the reason why I left my girlfriend, I just felt like she doesn't love me. Now, I could probably come back to her, but that would be so shitty move after what I have done that I just can't do that to her. I just can't feel like someone likes me without they actually telling me the thing. I know, it's my fault. There's more things, that make me depressed. I used to be bullied. My mother was in prison(or..jail? The one that isn't "that bad", if that makes sense, sorry, not native english speaker) two times. I have dreams of becoming a musician, but, even with me learning how to play guitar and keyboards and learning to sing and writing lyrics..what are the odds, that it may be the thing that I'll be doing for a living? I wasn't built for this world. My grandpa thinks I am addicted to PC just because when there's some kind of celebration or somehting like that, I don't go out and talk with people. They(other members don't think I am addicted, but still, they just tell me "why dont you go out with others") just don't seem to get what it feels like when my hobbies aren't that usual(at least in the country and area I live in) and that I have terrible anxiety(or somehting like that, I don't have it confirmed or anything, but few times I've almost lost blacked out). I was to a psychologist. Once. I've lied to her, because I was afraid she'd tell mother(or my father, but they're divorced and I live with my mother, so i assume she'd tell her) about my suicidal tendencies and attempts. I am a big goddamned failure. Instead of doing school stuff(beside math, mother tongue and English I'm not really good at anything..I mean, yeah, I know stuff. But not stuff for school, for school doesn't care for my knowledge about Universe and stuff like that) I either play TF2, play guitar/keyboard, sing, try to write stuff(i have some kind of "artistic depression" if you know what that means) or listen to music. I usually have like one month of a really, really great mood and then month or two of "depression", emptiness, just feeling like I'm falling into the endless void. I know it may sound stupid. But I really like meme pages. Like, the ones on Facebook. I don't know how, but those which are making fun of depression and stuff like that..make me feel better. It may be a paradox or not. 

Well, to the point..last two weeks I just really feel like doing it. More than ever, beside these two attempts. I have a diary and a "to-do list before I die". There are also my unfinished suicide letters from before..usually I write them and then I just get so tired I fall asleep(I've lost the plot again..lol). I don't know..it just may be "it"

Sorry if this comes out as a whiny wall of text. I just..needed to say these things. Needed to whine, needed to vent. Call it anything you want..I just..might be doing it`, kelaskan texts [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis] dan pulangkan dalam bentuk JSON {'label'}
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}