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teks: If I ever went back to Russia, I'd kill myself.I am living in Hell, I want to die in Heaven. Besides that, I'm an apatheist. My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I didn't tell her the one thing I wanted. A "vacation in Perm, Russia", my birthplace, the place where I was adopted to the United States at 7.5 months old. I have to thank my adoptive mother for one thing, being that I now know that I never got to experience what a normal Russian boy, even orphan, got to experience. The culture, the language, the history, the Eastern social life. All I have is about a pamphlet of Russian words, and an INTENSE patriotism for only Russia. I graduated valedictorian of my high school, on my way to becoming a mechanical engineer, the fraternity fucked me over, came back closer to "home" and am restarting very slowly.
I recently read something about foreigners joining the Russian military, however I have lost the will to use my "Rosetta Stone", which the military requires a good handle on Russian language. i think that i am so far behind and everything else pushed on me that is supposed to make me a "good, productive, prosperous citizen" just makes me want to pack a few clothes and valuables into a backpack, hitchhike to the Bering Strait, take a (rowboat if i have to) across the 20 miles, and sit on Russian territory until i freeze to death my myself. I would have a note saying in both English and Russian "I, (name), being of sound mind and body, wish to be buried within the Russian borders. Please honor my final wish."
The worst part is that it is so close to never happening that my adoptive parents would allow me to do this, even though I had absolutely no say in being adopted to the United States. I don't know how it feels to be born in a country, live there your whole life, and still love the country unconditionally, whether it be in the final form of government (pure communism) or ruled by a tyrannical dictator.
The easiest way to keep me alive is as simple as it is painful: never let me return to the country of my birth. I would consider my life a complete and utter waste if I died anywhere else. I, myself thinks it sounds strange, which only adds to the maelstrom of ideas whirling around in my mind. As I believe many people do who are under much stress, I have insomnia at night, knowing that I would have to work even harder to make it all end. I can't give up on my classes, which I am doing just fine in, to go after such an outrageous venture that my parents would almost never approve of. Someone said he couldn't kill himself because he had kids, but I think having caring parents, (who know nothing about my particular thoughts over the past year) can be almost just as bad.
I have told 2 of my closest friends about this, which relieves a bit of the stress that I feel whenever I am not blinded by a fog of shallow, monotonous, relatively useless tasks.
i don't know how to make the change happen, i'm not quite sure what change to make, or when to make it, but i don't want to just go with the norms of society and be prosperous in a country i have no intention of helping.
I would never use my knowledge to help design anything weapons-related to help the U.S. in wars, getting paid large sums of money, and having a laid-back, easy, luxurious lifestyle. However, in a heartbeat, I would volunteer to be in the front lines, helmet and gun, if I were one speck of sand on the beach protecting the Motherland from invaders.
I'll take any comments, I'm not sure what I need, but I know where I want to go.
P.L.U.R.
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