teks: No hope whatsoever but here goesI don't know how to phrase this, or what's right to say or wrong, I haven't read the rules so I'm sorry if I say anything wrong.
I just finished sobbing in my room rolling on the floor talking to myself and crying because I don't know how to get out of the situation I'm in. I have little hope that what I write here will make any difference, but still, I have a tiny inkling of hope that maybe I can still find a way. I have tried to reach out to many people in 6 years, my first approaches were out of desperation, but now I'm more cautious of disclosing details because I know not everyone wants to hear everything. This is my last resort at trying to, I don't even know what anymore. My family environment is not the best. I've been subject to physical and psychological abuse since 6 years now. It's not all on them, I have made many mistakes, and I am ready to admit all of them if anyone asked me. One day I asked my mom at an attempt to clear things out, I told her I have made many mistakes and I'm sorry for all of them, I asked, have you made any mistakes that you want to apologize for in the past 6 years? She said no. Nothing at all. She said she hasn't made a single mistake in the past 6 years. 
I have had a problem with alcohol for a while, and my family wasn't happy with it. I tried to drink in secret, but they always ended up finding out. A few days ago, I was drunk, and apparently I said to my mom that I was going to kill her, I don't remember because I was drunk, I only drank 4 beers, and they called the cops, who shortly thereafter came and barged into my room and asked what was going on. I broke down in tears and thought of this maybe as a chance to explain to them my situation. I told them that my grandfather and mother physically hurt me in the past and they said when we go to the hospital you can report this. They took me to the hospital which was extremely unneccessary because I wasn't even that drunk or in an alcohol coma or anything close, it was just a selfish use of a valuable service on my mom's part that many other people probably genuinely required at the time, but because my mom loves creating scenes she decided to call the cops and the paramedics just so she could have a dramatic story to tell that I am an alcoholic who threatened to kill her and she had to call the cops. 
I also have a boyfriend who is my only moral support and the person I love and spend time with the most, rceently through the aid of the cops, they went through my phone messages and saw me and my boyfriend talking badly about my mom in the messages, she now threatened my boyfriends mom that if he comes over or if i go over to his, she will create an even bigger scene. I have never been so depressed as I have been in the past week. He is the only friend and happiness I havr and I can't even freely spend time with him or else god knows what happens. I am so full of anger and sadness and hatred towards my family that I don't know what to do or say or anything. I dont know. I have no hope. I consider committing suicide everyday since the past week, but I don't because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I don't know how much longer I can take this. 
I have a history of depression, and have attempted suicide before. 
Sometimes I just want to run out on the streets and scream.
I dont know how I can make people understand me. I just want help. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that but I just want to be saved.
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