kelaskan teks [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], teks `I don't want to divorce my husband so I guess I'll just kill myself insteadIt's so stupid. I found out yesterday that he was still Facebook friends with my abusive ex. He deleted her immediately and said he had just forgot to drop her all those years ago, when we first broke up and he apparently chose my side. She got to keep all the rest of our friends, but I thought I had at least got to keep the one I was in a relationship with.

I believe my husband's reasoning entirely. She never posts, so it's totally reasonable that he would have just forgot she was even on his list. But that's the thing: all the friends I lost, I lost because they thought keeping her around wasn't a big deal, they stayed neutral, invited us both to gatherings, which I attended at first and spent the whole time hiding in a corner having PTSD panic attacks. Nobody thought anything of it, and figured that because I showed up at all, it must be fine to keep inviting us both. Our usual hosts even invited her to live with them when she needed a new place, so seeing anyone from my supposed support network really felt like walking into the lion's den. Eventually separate gatherings started happening, which I wasn't invited to, and at the ones that included me but not her, people would still talk about the other ones. Even though just mentioning her would send me spiraling. They were traitors, all of them. I could not survive coexisting in the same world as her, they had to choose a side, and in the end, they chose hers.

Except for my now husband. He was from the same friend group, had been friends with her long before I was brought in as her girlfriend. I had got into a poly relationship with him and my ex, and a lot of what brought my ex's abuse to light was seeing how much better he treated me than she did. There was no violent anger, no manipulation, no blaming me for emotions he couldn't control, no god complex about how much more emotionally developed and mature and intelligent than me he thought he was. In fact, he made a point to call her out on her behavior time and again. My ex grew to hate him, her former friend, because of how he was "getting into my head."

Hubs and I had been LDR for some time;  he was across the country in grad school when we started dating, and had accepted a job two states away when I finally decided enough was enough. I wouldn't have had the courage to leave if it wasn't for him. With my in-person support network in shambles, my only solace was our constant texting and nightly phone calls. Otherwise, I was utterly alone.

It took me a year before I gave up trying to repair any part of my life, scrapped the whole thing, and moved a thousand miles away from my now-rotten hometown to be with him. He's been a model partner ever since: kind, sweet, supportive. He does the dishes, which I hate, and I clean the bathroom, which he can't stand. Not a mean or jealous bone in his body. We've grown so much together. He's been so good for me.

But yesterday I found out that there she was, lurking in the background. Just like the gatherings I wasn't invited to, that everyone talked about in front of me. My husband hadn't taken as active a role in rejecting her as I thought. As I needed him to. He forgot. He didn't think it was a big deal. Didn't consider how keeping her around might impact me, didn't do anything about it. Just like the rest of them.

It's stupid, but I feel so betrayed. Like all these years of love and support have been a lie. I thought I had someone who had taken an active role in supporting me, who had *chosen me over her,* and I know it's fucked up that I need that, I know it makes me and, awful, selfish person who doesn't deserve love or support in the first place. But I do need it. I'm a rotten person and I need that to survive.

So why not just, like, not survive? This is a hard boundary for me; I cannot forgive anyone knowingly staying in contact with her, even passively, enough to allow them a presence in my life. I'll have to leave him, the same way I left all my other friends from that group. He's just another one of them.

Except I have no where else to go. I'm too week and rotten to survive on my own. I don't have a great relationship with my family, I cut ties with all my old friends, and all my new friends are mutuals with my husband. And I actually like my husband; I don't want to have to make them choose him or me, and possibly leave him with no one, the way I was left before. That was hell. I can't bring myself to ruin his life like that.

So where to turn? I don't think I can live like this, here. The road to forgiving his stupid little honest mistake that I'm definitely making too big a deal out of will be long and hard and involve lots of therapy that I can't afford. I can't run away; I have nowhere to run to, and I'm too weak to survive on my own.

I've been longing to kill myself since I was a child, tbh. This seems like as good an excuse as any.`
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