kelaskan teks {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, teks `I am useless, and I deserve to die (not currently in danger)I was doing well the last couple of days too, but I stumbled today, and I guess that's a perfect representation of how my life works as a whole - constantly stumbling and falling short. Always. 

I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't such a monstrous screw up.

EDIT: I guess this is another time-wasting ranting wall for me, where I just dump bunch of my thoughts. But I also think that, well, I don't really want to though. I'm kinda tired of complaining about my life. There's really nothing wrong about it. Well, nothing wrong but the stuff that I do to myself that is. All the problems in my life are really just self inflicted. And they're catching up to me. 

I wish I could stop making all these mistakes. I can't remember when the last time I did something right was. I'm fairly certain I never did anything right, but I used to have an answer for that kinda question. Maybe I just don't believe my answer anymore. 

I've pushed away everyone in my life. I've told them all I'm fine, but the facade is cracking, it's breaking very fast and hard, and I don't know how much longer I can hold it. I'm tired, and I'm afraid. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I push everyone away by habit, by default, because it is better than having the poison in me infect and burn them. 

I'm a monster. I should find my grave at the end of my story. I'm just waiting for the righteous hero to kill me, so I can go to sleep. Who ever heard a story with a suicidally depressed villain who's just looking to stop living. 

I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to cost anyone anything, but I am. I'm costing so much every breath I take, every second I'm alive and awake. 

I wish I had someone who could care, but I can't. I can't do that to anyone. How can I inflict upon my family and friends the knowledge of my suffering. I will force them to drop so much just to care for me. And I can't do that to them. I'm already a huge burden. 

Every time I hear about suicide there's always the opinion that you shouldn't do it because if you just talk to people, they'll put in the time, the effort, there's things to live for. Etc. But there's a lot that's wrong with that, I think. I've tried talking. And I've tried looking for the things to live for. There's not much. I wish I was just brave enough, really courageous enough to kill myself. I wish I could. I really wish I could die. 

I wish I could disappear, not suffer a painful death, but I hope one day I will be brave enough to not be afraid of pain. I will be brave enough to die regardless of what happens. 


Edit 2: I dunno, I guess I'm just gonna waste a bit more time here, take up less space. 

Edit 3: I don't know if what I wrote villifies the people in my life but I feel like it might, so I guess I want to say that I don't blame the people in my life. In my darkest moments I may hate them, but I don't think I blame them. I'm just tired. I don't want to hurt, to suffer anymore, but I don't see a good way to be a part of the world. It just doesn't seem like there's room for broken monsters like me. `
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