teks: Depression just cost me my job (again). I don't know what to do. I'm scared.Yesterday afternoon I was let go from my job of almost 5 years due to an outburst and more specifically a complaint from someone that said I made verbal threats that I have no recollection of making. I had discussed my problems in not-so-specific terms with my manager (who is in as many tears over this as I am). I confided in him that what I was going through had almost killed me. I'm on 80mg/day Prozac, 20mg Welbutrin, 10mg Propanolol (to steady my hands), and 1200mg Neurontin (to help me sleep).

In January I was hospitalized for chest pain that the doctors couldn't figure out. My blood was taken every four hours and I was constantly monitored via EKG. I even did a stress test and the cardiologist found nothing wrong.

I tried to kill myself 3 times last year in October, November, and December. Once with a gun and twice tried to hang myself. This morning I tried to strangle myself with a belt.

I adopted a dog in December and it helped for a time. So I had a good six months without any attempts to hurt myself.

I'm not alone, my dad drove 500 miles last night to be with me and my roommate is keeping tabs on me. I have yet to tell them about the belt.

I just feel so broken. I can't be fixed and I'm being punished for something I didn't ask for and can't control. I've tried keeping a lid on things but like a tense muscle it eventually fatigued.

All I can ask is why? Why can't I get any compassion? Why do people do things that they know hurt me?

I don't think I can let this happen to me again. This is the second time my mental illness has cost me gainful employment. I don't think I'll survive a third.

I don't know what to do. The meds aren't helping. Weekly therapy isn't helping. I have a counselor scheduled to come check on me today at 2 that works with the city, but I fear that won't help either.

I... I can't go on like this. Nobody knows how to fix me. I want the nightmare to end.
kelaskan text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}
self-harm