teks `I have to kill myself so i'd get helpI'm 18 years old, i'm in high school and this is my last year. I'll graduate less than 2 months from now and i'm almost sure that i'm going to fail. Actually i won't even reach math graduation because i'll fail as the result of the whole school year (i hope it's understandable, i don't know how to describe it better in english). And i'm fucking anxious about school and about graduation and about things like that. To tell the truth i don't want to die. I mean i don't mind to die but if i could choose i'd stay alive... I'm pretty depressed and unmotivated since years but since months i'm on the edge of suicide and i realized that being alive could be okay if you are not anxious about everything (i guess when you are really suicidal your mind tries to save you and my mind just showed me that life could be liveable). So because of anxiety i won't be able to graduate but because of anxiety again i won't be able to ask for help, so basically i'll just fail again or if i won't then i'll fail in everything else what'll come against me in my future life. Talking with someone about it is HELL, i don't want it but i have to do something. I decided that i'm going to try to kill myself so people will save me and they will ask me (for example the doctors at the hospital) so i won't have to tell it by myself. If i'll fuck up and die, then i die... i don't care. I know it's hard to believe but making big deep cuts with a blade in my wrists sounds WAY MORE peaceful than saying to someone (for example to my mother) that "i need help for real".

I said a lot of times that "i'm going to kill myself" but i always knew that i won't, now i'm sure that i'll do this because i have no other options. I feel that i just need a break because everything is just too much and i can't bear with it, i just need to do these things slower and step by step, i'm too "slow" for this life.

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