classify text {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, text `What made you finally be at peace with taking your own life? For me it was realising once and for all that I’ll never be normal, never be accepted or loved, never achieve anything or have a happy ending.It was the realisation that continued living is just going to be exponential more heartache, loneliness, resentment, bitterness and the gradual tapering off of contact from the people I thought were my friends. 

Everything feels hollow. Nothing feels genuine to me. It feels like everything that the rest of society does is a performative act of wilful ignorance to paper over the reality. 

I used to feel sadder and angrier about things...about all the sexual and mental abuse I’ve suffered, how long-term severe depression (amongst other more serious psychological disorders) has just completely destroyed my life.

I realise that life is short and that I have finally realised what a talentless, charisma-less waste of space loser misfit I always have been. I have been thinking a lot about the issues I had being ostracised and bullied as a child then a teenager right the way up to my present age and I see a clear pattern of humiliation and social poverty and deprivation that I can only see repeating itself in the decades to come if I stay alive. Why would I do that? It would just be more humiliation and suffering. I’d just hate myself more. I feel ill-equipped to help myself because I’ve been trying to help myself for many many years and it’s all been fucking pointless. 

I’m at an age now where I even my friends and family take glee and satisfaction from looking down their nose at me for what I’ve become - and these are the people who know about my mental health conditions and that’s *still* not enough for them...they still going to judge me severely for my long-term unemployment and obesity...they think because they’ve had mild, passing bouts of low mood that they know what it’s like. They have no fucking idea. Severe Depression compared to what they think they’ve gone through is a far larger gulf than they’ll ever admit to. Because they want the kudos. They want they right to semi-covertly look down on depressed people and belittle their struggles because like them they haven’t just ‘pulled themselves out of it’ like they did (and are very smug about). 

There’s nothing worse than somebody who used to be caring and sensitive about your severe mental health condition and understanding how it impacts your functionality as a person now just belittling it, rolling their eyes at you and reducing your suffering down to something vanilla that you should have just ‘got over’ years ago. It’s heartbreaking. 

And it underlines the sense of alienation and loneliness from the last few people you feel even care about you. 

Anyway - in the last month or so it’s become clearer to me that I am probably in the last few years or possibly even months of my life. I feel a lot calmer about ending everything now that less and less is at stake. I can feel myself caring less and less these past few years and now finally I feel I’m at a point where I can dispassionately glide through interactions and daily life not really feeling anything either way. 

Because if I did allow myself to start feeling this sad again, this lonely again...I would probably be one of those people who just snaps and kills other people before ending things. And I realise that my personality is split, and that that version of myself that I’ve been keeping asleep shouldn’t wake up because if he does then people are in danger. 

Which is another reason why I’m ending things sooner rather than later. 

I’m not going to tell anyone in my family what my ultimate plan is. I’m not even going to leave a note. 

I think I’m just going to vanish one day and then nobody will know what happened to me. Maybe someday someone will find my final resting place but I’m going to make sure it’s well out of the way and somewhere that my body will decompose back to nature pretty quickly.`, return in JSON {'label'}
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}