kelaskan teks {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, teks `I’d never thought I’d make this post.I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve read posts on reddit so that I could find people I could sympathize with, but I’ve never made an account until now. I guess you could say this is rock bottom for me. I feel so incredibly alone and I don’t even know what to do about it. 

To start, I have pretty severe SA, and I’ve always assumed that it would fade away and get better when I got older. I’m 20 now, and the realization has finally set in that I don’t think I’m going to be able to overcome this. Even as I type this it’s becoming more and more real to me. I am in college and I hear my friends laughing and talking outside in the common room of our suite and I just don’t have anything to say. I can never laugh and talk, even with my friends, because I feel like I don’t even have an opinion. About anything. I sit there with them saying the occasional few words and laughing but I genuinely don’t have anything of value to add to the conversation. 

On top of this, I have become increasingly depressed over the past few months. I am studying actuarial science right now and am about to take my first exam next week on probability but I don’t think I’m going to pass it, and I don’t think there’s anything in this world that I could do to make money and be happy at the same time. 

It just kind of hit me one day that this world is such a meaningless place, and that I’m probably not ever going to be happy. All of the meaningful relationships I once had from HS are fading away and whenever I do see my old friends we don’t make new memories, we just talk about our ever fading old memories that will soon be gone one day. 

I don’t even know where I’m going with this, and can’t even begin to put how I’m feeling into words. I have no motivation. If I sit around and do nothing I feel anxious and useless and when I get spurts of motivation and start to get stuff done I quickly become tired out and exhausted and I feel like it’s all useless anyway. I have no one to talk to about this either, I could never bring up the nerve to talk to my family about it and I’m honestly so socially anxious I couldn’t even bring myself to see a therapist. The only time I am myself is when I am home with my brothers and now that I don’t live there anymore even those conversations are starting to become stale. They have absolutely no idea what’s going on in my head. 

I just don’t know how I am going to make lasting relationships with anybody if I can’t find meaning in my life and value my own opinions and interests so low. If I can’t even find things to say in conversations with my own friends how am I ever going to meet new people, or talk to girls nonetheless. I just feel so helpless and useless and that there’s nothing that I can do about it. I try to look up online ways to be able to hold conversations, but I feel like whenever a conversation comes up I don’t have anything to add. I don’t really follow sports or music and I honestly don’t even know what I enjoy, so how am I supposed to get along with anybody? I feel like I have to study music or Netflix shows or sports statistics to even be able to hold a decent conversation, and I don’t even know what I would SAY to a girl.. everything in my life is so negative I honestly don’t know what I could talk about. 

I’m sorry this dragged on so long, I just needed to get these muddled thoughts off of my chest, no one will probably even read this but I’ll put it out there anyways. I’m so socially anxious even posting this is hard for me... Hope you all are doing well in your own lives. `
mencederakan diri sendiri