classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], text `I feel so hopelessHello, I guess this is my attempt at a lifeline or something.

Okay, so I guess the best way to begin this is to just tell you straight up that I’m gay. This wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have strictly conservative parents, I know a lot of people have it worse off than me, but I feel like most of my problems stem from this.

I haven’t been diagnosed as anything really, but I don’t really care because it doesn’t take a fucking expert’s opinion to tell you there is something genuinely fucking wrong with me. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more suicidal, and have been planning my suicide more and more and how I could enact it with little to no effort whatsoever. And right before the time of this post in fact, I’ve cut myself for the first time. Very shallow cuts, 7 of them. Worst part of it was trying to get the bleeding to stop, even now.  That and I’ve been feeling like absolute SHIT consistently for 4 months now, so yeah there’s definitely something wrong.

To further go into detail about the cutting, looking back at it, I snapped and started cutting, going deeper than anything I’ve tried to cut and with such force and pressure. I’m glad there was only an exacto knife nearby, if anything else I think I may have bled out. What scares me about this is 1. how I snapped and started cutting myself and how fast I went to cut myself and 2. How the fuck I’m going to hide the cuts and if someone asks what excuse I could possibly come up with.

At the time of typing this, yesterday during work I was so miserable that I contemplated walking out climbing up a tree, tying my hoodie sleeves on both the tree and my next and just letting myself fall. I obviously didn’t do this, and even if I were to walk out, I’d probably wouldn’t because I felt like if I did, I’d just spread my suffering to my family. 

About my family : As I stated previously, they’re an adamant religious bunch, and they have no tolerance for gays, heresy and mental illness, so I have to act as if I were something I were not around them, and I think the facade is taking a toll on my mind because then I feel like I have no actual personality and that I just have to be fake around people to make them happy at the time. I’ll be honest, it’s hard sometimes but I feel no sense of “selfness” I have never EVER even gave them a hint that I would ever be gay, I try to make it seem like gay isn’t even a comprehensible subject and that it is something so outlandish it shouldn’t exist. However, recently I have told my mother that I am feeling anxious about everything, stressed over tiny things and that I’m feeling like absolute shit and I’ve been considering suicide and she just yells at me and tells me I’m lazy and that even I couldn’t amount to anything if I gave it all of my willpower, and what hurts more than the words is the expectation being shattered. I just want someone to understand me, and to love me for what I am, and genuinely acknowledge that there is something wrong with me, and that I need help, but it just makes me so fucking sad that it’s never going to happen, I don’t even tell this sort of stuff to my one friend because it just ruins the atmosphere and brings the mood down, so I can’t just do that. I feel like I genuinely have nobody, I feel so isolated and alone. I know there are those who have it so much worse off than me, and I try to rationalize the situation in consideration of the fact, but I can’t help but feeling so fucking bad.

I am scared that I’m going to kill myself soon, I just want things to stop being shit, I’ve been feeling like this on and off for almost 5
Years no, but in the past 4 months, I genuinely have been feeling this way daily and very recently have had only suicide on my mind. I just want the pain to end, I just want to not be alone, and want someone to hug me and tell me I’m valid.`, return in JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}