classify text [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], text `It’s getting pretty hard to get everything out of my head.I want to end my life really bad, it’s been getting a lot worse the last few months. I smoke a lot of weed, which is probably making me really depressed, or at least contributing. I had these feelings before I picked up the habit. 

I’m currently writing this in the bathroom at work, sobbing silently while someone’s dropping a massive deuce in the next stall over. That’s pretty funny, but anyways here’s the point:

Ever since I was a young teenager (i’m currently 18), I’ve had no more motivation. I don’t do anything, I don’t want to do anything, I want nothing. I feel worthless and hard to love, I’m lazy as hell because I never want to do anything, which turns into me calling into work. I’m lucky that I can do that at my full time job and not have to pay rent, but now I have no absences left to take. 

So I’m crying in here, all pathetic like, at work, because I can’t call in anymore, and I can’t take the stress of being here while I’m feeling these feelings. I’ve skipped school all through G10-12, and now I call into work any chance I get. How come I’m such a scumbag? How come I can’t deal with a normal 9-5 Mon-Fri? That’s a normal thing to do. People have jobs and don’t complain. They don’t call in. How come I absolutely must? Why don’t I have the motivation to get through ONE DAY without doing this stupid shit. There’s nothing left to me. I’m literally a husk, no more life in me. I can’t stop myself, I have no control over my decisions. I want what I want, and I get what I want no matter what, and I feel like an absolute piece of shit, and a waste. I have for years. 

I used to think suicidal people just want attention and that they’re drama queens. Can you believe that? Now look at me lol. I’m an absolute mess. Maybe I deserve it for that. I’ve been to therapy. I have no identification to get prescribed anything right now, as I just moved in with my S/O not long ago from out-of-province. 

I’m literally in the bathroom pretending to be sick so I can go home. I’m pathetic. This is low. I don’t want to be this person. I’m stuck, feels like I have no where to go. 

I’m not going to end my life, at least not any time soon. I just want to talk to someone about this. I need it out of my head. I hope someone can at least relate. I can’t be alone. I don’t know what I would do if I was alone in feeling this. 

Tldr; I have no control over my actions, although I’m completely aware of what I’m doing. I have no self control, no motivation, and because of that I think low of myself and want to end my life. Hope someone can relate. I’ve been reading posts here and have found lots to relate to. 

Sorry if there’s any typos. Sorry for the ramble, hope it makes sense.`
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