classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], text `Problems I see as insurmountable [22M]. Perhaps some wiser older people can chime in about how I will laugh about these someday? (x-post depression)1. **I picked a very stupid major** but now know I could have been pre med. I have always been risk-averse and going into college couldn't justify putting all my eggs into the pre-med basket on the chance I wouldn't get into med school. In hindsight though, I definitely could have (and should have) pulled it off. This leads into:
2. **Almost guaranteed downward social mobility**: my parents raised me in a fantastic upper-middle class neighborhood, with a lifestyle in which I was sheltered from the real world. In hindsight this probably is another part of the reason I chose such a stupid major (I don't blame my parents). However, looking at my career trajectory and the price of housing in the area that I am from, there is a slim chance of me being able to provide a life like that for my family, unless my parents let me live in their house. But our house is way too small for that, and my family would be absolutely ashamed of me if I asked.
3. **Because of 1 and 2, I don't deserve women**: I had a girlfriend throughout most of college (she recently dumped me). But our relationship was a sham. I was not at all attracted to her, and she was only attracted to me because I reminded her of her dad. It feels a lot better to not have to put up with the charade of "loving" her despite being repulsed by her physically. But I still loved being a couple, I loved going on dates, adventures, getting high together, having dreams about the future, complaining about the state of the world. But if I want to get a new girl, I now am in a position of having to face my short stature and extreme awkwardness (I believe I have Asperger's). I was able to get her because she was a bit of a bottom feeder (deep, IMO incurable daddy issues), but after watching that relationship crash and burn, I refuse to settle for a woman again, because it is unfair to the both of us. However, it is tough to have the aura of confidence that women like when I am so pessimistic about my future. Furthermore, I constantly think thoughts like "I can't in good faith date a girl this pretty knowing that I won't be able to provide a good lifestyle to our children." I know you guys stress the importance of not thinking "if only", but I truly think that "if only I had gone pre med" I would have been able to attract women, and more importantly, I would think that I deserve them. As it stands now, I see myself as a failure of a son and a man, and couldn't become a father in good faith. Unless my wife was a loser herself as well, in which case I would not like to bring a child into this world with parents who settled for each other (my parents most definitely settled for each other). 

I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Not to the extent that I would actually do it, but to the extent that I often wish I could either go back in time and fix my life, or simply not exist in the first place. There are some reasons that as of now, I do not anticipate killing myself:

* Even if my life sucks and I'm poor and have no wife and kids, I want to see what the future holds. I want to see where technology and society go in my remaining ~60 years on earth.
* I could not do that to my parents. They gave up a lot of happiness to raise children (like I said, they settled for each other) and I owe it to them to at least give the impression that I am trying in life. Plus, they care a lot about social appearances, and I love them. I wouldn't want their friends to pity them over failing as parents and raising a son who killed himself


Have any of you gone through similar things, or are simply wise enough to see straight through what I am going through? (I'd prefer if you specify your age but you don't have to)
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self-harm