classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], text `a Christmas gift to my loved onesI won’t be here much longer. Nothing is okay, i feel as though i’m walking on broken glass and looking ahead of me, i see a beam of white light that I want to reach so badly but I can’t.. i reach my arms out to touch it but it disappears. Happiness is so fleeting and out of touch for me, it’s been this way since i was around 9 years old. The intense mental abuse i’ve endured from many different people has left me unable to have a sense of self, or trust people, or other things. My sense of self is fractured, I don’t know who I am or what I enjoy. No matter where I am or who i’m with I feel the profound emptiness that I can never erase. I guess what I have does that to you, but still does not get easier with time or therapy. Years of therapy, though i’m only a 17 year old woman. 

Every person i’ve fallen in love with has taken advantage of me or left me in some way. I’m sitting here, in my cold basement room, bored and lonely. With nothing to look forward to. A lonely Christmas all by myself. My family will all stay in their separate bedrooms, like always. Nothing is okay. I love so many people, I’ve loved and I’ve lost, but at the same time I feel as though NO ONE understands what I’m going through. I try to put it into words and they still don’t get it.

I’m sitting here listening to Exit Music by Radiohead, it sounds like it could be a soundtrack for my life... The song is about Romeo and Juliet running away from their homes, parents, etc. I look at it in its literal meaning, but I also think of it as if I play both parts of Romeo and Juliet. Romeo is the romantic, loving, kind, warm. Juliet is the colder, (but still loves Romeo) and “problematic” person. With my disorder, I feel like this all the time. Sometimes I feel full of life and love, fulfilled yet never fully happy, but pretty close. Then, for the rest of the time I am cold, empty, devoid of feeling and my voice is really monotone and I move, talk and act like a robot. 

It’s in those moments I feel inhuman, an alien or being among the rest of people, yet I never feel better than anyone. I feel shit, my existence is shit, I am shit. What do I do that benefits the lives of others? Simply just being around them with the mask of happiness and warmth I put up? I don’t think it’s fair to guilt someone into living just because you’ll miss them or they make you happy. What about me? And how unhappy I’ve been for years? Why don’t I get to choose my own fate, like the rest of us? It’s not fair, in fact I think suicide is not selfish, forcing someone to stay is.

One of my favorite song lyrics is from a song called Only Everyone Can Judge Me by Crywank. It says, “This isn’t a brave face, this isn’t a brave face, this is a mask.” and that’s so accurate. Everything I do is a mask, but it’s not on purpose, or malicious, or to manipulate, it’s just because my actions and words are so highly dependent on my emotions. I never want to hurt people. Never, I try to make everyone feel happier than I ever feel, so they don’t have to live a life like mine or feel the way i feel, see the things i see, hear the things I hear. When I get into serious relationships I squeeze every little bit of love out of my brain and heart to make them feel loved and taken care of, because I know that I never feel loved. I don’t want them to ever feel that way, too. 

I don’t even know why I’m writing. Guess I have no one and nowhere else to turn to. I’ll write later, bye`, return in JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}