teks: I hope I won't wake up tomorrow.I confined myself to my room for a year. It's because I am anxious to be in a crowd or just out in the open. It feels like I'm very vulnerable for no reason at all which also makes me confused.
For years I'm trying to battle my depression, wearing a mask, carefully projecting what I perceived to be normal, but as time goes by its becoming a massive ball and chain until I cannot force myself to go out anymore. I seek help, suffered the hit and miss method of finding the right drug. After several meds, the combination of Wellbutrin and Viibryd works best for my case; It was one of the suggested drugs on my Genesight report. Unfortunately, it comes to a plateau, and I feel like I'm slowly developing a tolerance. Scared to undergo the same hit and miss method again just to suffer the side effects of another different drug, I decided to taper the meds down, trying to "detoxify" myself. I've been out of meds for a month now, and today I decided to go out on a party to support my friend who is battling cancer. I saw the contrast of both, cancer vs. depression. While my friend is fighting to survive surrounded by family and friends, I wish that I would like to be in her place. I know she's depressed too, but it has reasons, while every day I'm confused and doesn't know when will this torment ends. What hits me the most is some people there knows my situation, they are nonchalantly asking me questions about my disease and think I can just walk it off, but as usual, I just put on my fake smile and find a way to get out of that awkward conversation. I also noticed that nobody likes to listen to me when I'm talking. I even had a hard time figuring out how to properly vacate the party. I plan to walk out without saying goodbye because that's the most comfortable thing to do in my case but I have to wait it out, let most of the people depart first so I will only have to tackle few people to engage with so I can leave like normal people would. I feel like I don't matter anymore, but maybe I'm selfish, how much longer do I have to endure this?
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