teks `I sound like a dudebro but I can't handle my female best friend getting a boyfriend (I'm a girl).I have been depressed ever since third grade when my friend was murdered by her father. That actually doesn't bother me anymore really, but it kicked off a lot of mental health problems.

It really got bad in seventh grade (age 12) for me. That began the habit of thinking about killing myself every day over little things. Paper cut? God I should kill myself. F on a test? Time to die.

I finished high school with a lot of accomadations and got into a decent college. However I tried to kill myself (my first ever attempt) about one month in over losing my keys. I took a leave of absence and have no plans to go back. I should be finishing my first year now, instead I stayed home and failed at getting a job but was basically a live in sitter for my adult autistic brother (who I have to take care of when my parents die).

My parents are on and off abusive and resent me. They don't understand why I am the way I am and ignore that I told them I was gay. However I have no way of getting out as I can't drive and barely can take care of myself.

My one solace is tumblr, where I have a few friends. However I can't make this post here as a lot of them have my contact info and could call the police on me. I CANNOT GO INPATIENT AGAIN, as I am 19 and would be in an adult program. Part of the reason I can't seem to get help is that I keep getting stuck into programs with people who have children and husbands and drug problems... I've never even seen weed in my life.

Anyway, I have had a crush on my best friend E for four years now. We met over tumblr and have met once IRL. She's so beautiful and perfect however I feel like I'd be able to move on if I had people regularly talking to me of their own volition besides her. She knows I love her and she used to feel the same way but didn't want to be in a long distance relationship, then it turned into she didn't feel the same way. I felt awful and kept bringing it up like the bitch I am, trying to get her to love me like the abusive fucker I am. I tried to pretend I didn't see her posts about going on tinder and pretended she didn't want a relationship with anyone.

Anyway about a month ago she told me she met a guy on the subway who asked her out. I reacted negatively and I never heard about him again. Now I find out she has been dating him for a month and she never told me. 

Honestly, what am I to do? She's my favorite person (I have BPD) and I fantasize about our wedding and look at lesbian wedding pictures as a form of self harm. If she asked me to marry her I would tomorrow. I'm never going to find someone I feel like this about again, and pretty soon I will be supplanted as the favorite person in her life. THis is so manipulative and I hate myself but I"m trying to figure out the best time to kill myself.

I have no job (except for a temporary summer one coming up), no school, I'm 100 pounds overweight, I can't drive, I'm a nervous wreck and I will never find love. What is there to live for?
`, kelaskan teks guna labels [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]
self-harm