classify text [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis]

teks: Missed opportunities and lonelinessI don't know if this is the right place, because this isn't an emergency, at least not right now its not... 

I could really use someone to talk to. but anyways, here's my story. 

I'm 19. I wasted a few years of my life after dropping out of highschool because of bullying, depression, and anxiety. I live with my mom because I can't work enough hours to get a decent paycheck, not because I'm lazy, but because i get so scared to leave the house some mornings. I'm lucky I haven't been fired yet. 

I'd love to go to college, but my family can't afford it, and I'd have no transportation because I can't drive. I've always dreamed of becoming an engineer, building computers or other machines. But that's very quickly becoming more of a dream and less of a reality. Even with financial aid, I can't afford textbooks or taking the bus everyday, and what if I can't handle it? The same way I couldn't handle highschool.

during my wasted years, I made a huge mistake with an old ex girlfriend, and its all I've been able to think about lately. My current partner also has some mental problems, and i fully support her, but she just feels so selfish and mean most days. She doesn't give me the same support, I would leave her if I wasn't so afraid of being alone. 

My family is very poor because my older brother can't find work, and he insists that his girlfriend lives with us too. He also has problems similar to mine, but it seems his problem is more being addicted to the computer. He used to be my best friend, and I could talk to him about the problems we both faced, but his girlfriend changed him. He's not the same as he used to be, and they're inseparable.

My two friends from highschool tried to keep in touch while I was in and out patient, but they have their own lives, and they've moved on to bigger and better things. They're in college now, far away. My only comfort is pretending I still have friends by listening to podcasts. I tried tinder to meet some new people, but I guess the whole "lives with mom and can't drive" thing isn't much of a turn on.

I first tried to commit suicide when I was 15, I wanted to hang myself from a bridge near my house, but I got a call from my mom right before I went through with it. It would have broken her heart. Although I've thought about it many times, I haven't tried since then.

I see my dad often, at least once a month. He drives here from the next state over. He's so smart, and wise. he's always telling me stories about his life, he's 73 now, and it seems like he's experienced it all. Although I know he loves me, I can tell he feels a bit of regret, for not sticking around. And even though I'm doing better than my brother, I know he looks at me like I'm a disappointment. I only work two or three days a week, because it's all I can take. 

I see a psychiatrist who prescribes me antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills. When I take those pills it makes me feel nothing. There's no more fear, and no more sadness, but it's replaced by apathy. When I take them the days seem to blend together into a big boring blob. Oh, and the side effects of those pills basically give me erectile dysfunction. Fun right? So I only take the pills on days that I'm working, so I don't have panic attacks at work.

Now it's 3:11 am as I'm writing this, and I've been laying in bed, unable to sleep, just thinking about how different my life would have been if I had just stayed in school, kept my friends and my highschool sweetheart. Would my depression be this severe still? Would I be able to land a better job? Would that job get me through college? Probably. But I seriously fucked myself over in the span of maybe five years, and I don't have any proper guidance from this point forwards. 

This is another one of those times where I wonder if its worth continuing. That bridge is still there, and it looks a lot friendlier than my future.
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