kelaskan teks {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, teks `I don't have will to live and I don't know why (or how to fix it, I want to fix it) [24M]Hi. I am writing to you for help in a situation of suffering from which I no longer know how to get out.  


Since the beginning of the year I have lost all the will to live, the will to do things, my motivation, everything. It has affected my studies (which I have managed to finish in any case) and has made my work, which I loved, despair more every day (even though my colleagues and bosses are very nice to me)  


The worst of all is that I do not know why I feel this way, I suspect that for some reason I have been falling into a black hole from which I do not know how to get out and I do not see myself capable. A year ago I was a person with a "more or less" normal life, but if I described myself today ...  


I do not have friends, if I meet someone (for example a co-worker) I feel "uncomfortable" or nervous and out of place, thinking that I would rather be at home and that I will seem strange to that colleague, I spend all my free time addicted to my mobile, looking for news, websites, games ... whatever it takes to continue using my mobile as if it were a drug (according to my mobile, I have an average of 8 hours of use or active screen per day). I have gained about 15 kg or 33lbs in the last 5 months (I weigh 90kg/200lbs of pure fat, I have no strength, and yes a lot of fat in my breasts and belly, I would almost have to wear a bra if I continued to gain weight), I do not feel like cooking or doing anything, I admit that I eat very badly based on pre-cooked food and a lot of pastries, also almost every 30 minutes I feel like eating something . 

I suspect I have a dopamine addiction. I have lost all desire to leave the house. I don't read books, I don't watch movies or series, I barely talk to anyone, I'm all the time with my smartphone (I don't use social networks, when I talk about using my smartphone I have already said it, I am talking about searching for websites, watching technology articles, random videos on Youtube..., at the next day I don't even remember what did I watch for 8 hours on my smartphone the previous day). I fall asleep late (it is impossible for me to fall asleep before 01:30) and I have to get up early to work (07:00, rushing the time), so the rest of the day I am a "zombie", and part of my spare time I spend on my bed face down sometimes falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon for hours. I do not do any exercise because although I have tried, it is impossible for me to have willpower, I feel that my body and my mind reject the effort. 

Each day that passes I feel like a strange person for the rest of the people, further removed from the ideal of a "normal" person, fat, stupid, without a future. And I would like to fix it, but I don't know how. I imagine a future in which I could have a healthy life, with good physical condition and a "clear" mind, good professional development, friends, even a partner, but suddenly I think that it could take years, 3-4 years to achieve it, minimum, and that I would have to overcome the barriers that prevent me from starting to change, such as my lack of energy, perpetual fatigue and ideas that I am worthless and will not achieve what I propose, and I feel very bad.

Something in me tells me that I could fix it quickly, that if I try I will have the energy and desire to start improving and that I will improve quickly, and that next month I will be perfectly fine in every way. But it is still a positive fantasy that has allowed me to endure so far but not much longer. When in January you think that by March you will be fine and you are worse. When in March you think that in June you will be well and you are worse ... you begin to see that not even the fantasies of improving and finding yourself better work. So what can I do to keep from falling? What can I do to improve? Any advice, help, whatever. Thank you all very much, and sorry if I made a mistake in writing, English is not my native language and I have probably made some mistakes. Thank you very much for your kind help, for read me and listen to me, and sorry for the time that I made you spend. Thank you.`
mencederakan diri sendiri