classify text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}

teks: So I Just Called a Suicide Prevention Hotline. I Feel Worse.First of all, hello. I'm new to Reddit. Long-term lurker, first-time poster.

I've been coping with a ton of issues my entire life. To list them all would take a novel. Most of these issues connect to traumatic events in my childhood and link up to my PTSD.

I was feeling particularly dissociative today, and woke up feeling extremely depressed, made worse by certain things that triggered even deeper sadness. I went about thinking very seriously about killing myself, or at the very least, attempting it just to let people know how seriously I need help.

I felt frightened by how much I was imagining doing it. I think about it often, but not at the extent I was this morning. I wanted to do it, but didn't want to. I have a husband, and I was thinking of him. Even then, it was getting harder and harder to fight.

I called up the suicide/crisis hotline. Like, the main one. The first person I got on the line couldn't have possibly sounded more bored and/or tired. He was the most disinterested person I had ever cried to. He was silent most of the time.

I got extremely uncomfortable. I'm already a deeply socially-anxious person, and very anti-social, so it was hard enough as it was for me to even call these people. I didn't know what else to do, and calling their line felt like the only option. He just repeated what I was telling him in this uncaring voice. Yeah, I know I feel alone. I just told you that.

I told him I felt very uncomfortable speaking to him, that he sounded bored, and that I felt worse. Maybe other people had that same experience and never had the courage to say anything, so maybe he'll work on his "giving a shit" voice after this point, though I doubt it. He mumbled some stuff about me calling again or using the chat if I feel better with that instead.

So I got off the phone with him, cried really hard and resisted the urge to kill myself some more. Out of desperation, I called them again. A woman answered this time.
"Hello," she said. Silence.
"Hi...." I said, fighting back all of the tears that were creeping up on me again.
Silence.
"What's your name?" I asked her, feeling incredibly distant and awkward.
She told me her name. THEN she asked me mine. I told her.
She asked me what was going on with me today.
I told her many of the issues I had that led up to me feeling the way I did today, eventually planning to get to why I was thinking about killing myself.
She stops me. "Okay, but how are you feeling TODAY?"
At this point, I have no idea what is stopping me from going on a rampage. This kind of shit is what makes me hate other people SO. MUCH. And the fact that I hate other people makes me hate myself more, which makes me hate other people more for making me feel that way, which makes me hate myself more, and on, and on, and on. It's a perpetual cycle that never ends.

While I spoke to her, she kept making sounds with her mouth and going "mm-hmmmm." "Uh-huuuuh." "Mm-hmmmm." She also sounded very uncaring and unhelpful. Have you ever had someone smack their lips and go "Uh-huuuuh" when you say the barrel of the rifle you own is too long for it to be and effective suicide tool? Not to mention that her repeating it kept interrupting my train of thought and annoyed me beyond belief.

I had to get it all out, so I didn't know what else to do.
I was sobbing, angry, sobbing some more, angry some more. She asked repeatedly if I was planning to kill myself today. I said I didn't know anymore, and I still don't. She asked if they can call back later to check up on me. I basically said, "Hell no. I never want to talk to you people again."

This was, by far, one of the worst, and most uncomfortable experiences I've had. Having to talk to complete strangers about my innermost demons is already hard enough, but I had to do it to two people with a "this is just a job and whatnot" mentality. I felt so much worse after calling them, not better. And I will never, ever seek their help again.

I'm sure these two people were the exception to the rule. But good lord. If you work at a crisis center, shouldn't part of the interview to work there be "Do you care about people?"
self-harm