teks: I'm in a happy relationship, but feelings or heartache and guilt regarding my ex are making me feel terrible.I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years, things got rocky, during one of our fights, he broke it off and I had had enough. I didn't want to crawl back to him like I had before. So I stood my ground, I think... out of spite, and when he wanted to fix things I didn't let him.

I started feeling guilty, but I decided to just go out and try to enjoy life, I was hanging out with my now boyfriend, we got involved intimately, one thing lead to another and he's now my boyfriend.


my ex, well call him V, wanted to try and fix things, he said he had changed, that we could work things out, that he'd finally fly down to see my family (after all 5 years he never did, I always went up there), that he'd visit, or move, or whatever.. he begged me and begged me but I said no.

Then I left him alone on the week he felt he wanted to take his life. He asked me to stay on the phone with him but I decided not to because I could only talk outside and the mosquitoes were eating me... I didn't know he was suicidal.

He said I left him alone when all he wanted was to put his head on my lap, when all he wanted was to just talk. But I left him alone... so many times I was in a dark place and no matter what was going on, he'd set it aside and come help me... I betrayed him.

I can't say that for a while I felt like I wanted to go back... but I stuck with my decision.

There's so much more... I may write all of it out... but I don't want to make a huge post.

Basically... I'm now with my friend who I was spending time with, my ex, he moved on after telling me I was dead to him. He now has a girlfriend and from what I understand is very happy.

I think I'm happy, but sometimes I remember the hurt I caused him (again, there's tons of layers to this...) and I feel horrible. I wonder if things could have ended differently sometimes, and then I feel horrible, because my boyfriend right now is very kind and caring and always looking out for me. I care about him deeply, I told him I loved him once, but can't feel like I can say that ever again... but I know I'm still in love with V. I keep trying to pretend like I'm not, like I don't think about him. I push his memory aside alot, but now with Christmas coming on (the time of the year I'd go visit) my anxiety is getting worse, I feel like crying when I see things that remind me not just of him, but his mother, whom I loved as my own...

I can't do this anymore.

I'm scared of my feelings, and my regret. I hate what I did to the man who I at one point told I'd be by his side for eternity. We had a life planned together, this was the year we were supposed to close the distance.

I hate that I keep holding on to this.


I want to pack my things and just run... I want to leave everything and everyone I know behind and just be alone and by myself. Maybe go out west, lay in a field and fucking overdose and just be lost.

I want to kill myself, and the only thing stopping me is my lack of a solid plan, along with the guilt I feel... I hurt the man I loved to the point that I want to off myself. He was in terrible pain...

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore...I'm scared of loving again... I miss the man I called my  lover and best friend, V.

I miss the friends I lost with the end of that relationship, we spent so many nights playing games together.

I wish we could somehow still be friends.

I'm scared of hurting anyone anymore... that's the only thing that's keeping me from just... finding whatever means I can to end it. I know I'm loved by many people... I'm blessed to have friends like the ones I do, I'm blessed to have family like the one I have... and I'm blessed with a caring boyfriend who just wants me to find my own happiness...



But I feel so fucking alone and scared right now. Bringing this up to anyone is just gonna cause more trouble again... I can't tell anyone. I can't afford therapy.

I just want to vanish...

Edited: missing words.

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