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teks: jonghyunin December this singer that I had been closely following for years committed suicide. his name was Kim Jonghyun and he was 27 years old. he left behind 4 other band members that he had been performing with for almost ten years.

since then, I haven't been able to listen to any of his music without crying. I removed all his songs from my library, hid away my merchandise, and try not to think about anything related to him. but yesterday the band he was part of resumed their tour schedule without him. they used a recorded track for his voice and put an empty microphone stand onstage where he would have been, each placing roses on it at the end of the concert. a few weeks before this, his record company posthumously released the solo album he had been working on, along with a music video. seeing his face and hearing his voice was so surreal, I almost forgot and told myself it all wasn't true. but then I remembered seeing videos from his funeral, watching one band member stop and break down in tears during the procession while another pulled him in for a hug with a dead look in his eyes. I remembered learning of their reactions when they heard the news, one of them passed out from crying, one laid sobbing on the floor for several hours, one locked himself in his room for days, and the last member was the only one who could bear going to see the body. I remembered seeing fans hold memorial events all around the world, hearing them crying while they sang one of his songs. I remembered his sister telling of an instance when he got drunk, asked her if she was happy, and then broke down saying "I want to be happy too".

I feel like I'm being overdramatic because I never even knew him personally yet his death is affecting my life in many ways. I feel pathetic because of how strongly this has impacted my life. at the time, my suicidal urges were already fairly strong, and hearing the news seemed to amplify it all. initially, the first feeling I was experiencing was envy, because his attempt was successful. I, on the other hand, have been suicidal for around 5 years and haven't even been able to attempt. I feel like such a coward. he made it out, and I'm too scared to even try. 

I'm sorry this is so long and not even directly about myself. I just miss him. I'm sad that he committed suicide, but I respect his individual decision to take control of his life however he chooses. I wish he didn't do it, but I can understand why he did it. knowing that he had been in such pain, I wouldn't blame him for wanting to end it all. it breaks my heart hearing about how he was suffering.

I wish he could have found happiness. I've been struggling with the same issue for many years now, and I feel things are getting worse and worse as time goes on. I feel like I'm getting close to giving up, although I'll likely not even try anything because I'm scared of what might happen if I fail. I'm just so tired of being sad. I want to be happy too.
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