classify text {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, text `Dead inside.Too many bad things have been happening for too long without anyone knowing or caring.

&amp;#x200B;

I was assaulted by my babysitter when I was 7. The babysitter was 13. The whole thing is so fucked that my brain has twisted it into an awful nightmare of a memory, and the only reason I know it's real is because my sister remembers seeing it.

Growing up, my dad has horrible rage problems. He used to grab my face so hard between his fingers that the insides of my cheeks would bleed. He ran me out of the house once and I was so frantic and scared that I broke my ankle. I spent one New Year's Eve walking along the road without a coat or proper shoes because he kicked me out in a rage. I lived in my car for two week because I refused to have an argument with him and it made him so angry that he threatened to divorce my mother if I didn't leave. But then, sometimes, he was my best friend. Sometimes, I was his favorite. Sometimes he still is my best friend now. And sometimes he's an asshole.

Any my mother uses me as her emotional crutch, but is never \*really\* there for me. Same with my sister. Fortunately my brother is great. I stay alive for him mostly, and my best friend who is also great. But. It's getting hard. There's too many things.

A highschool teacher and I had a highly inappropriate relationship. I was also sexually assaulted twice in high school. Once very violently at a youth church group. One violently and publicly at school.

My first college boyfriend was horribly abusive - emotionally and physical. I have trouble swallowing and breathing sometimes because he permanently damaged my hyoid. 

All of the lovers I kept after my first relationship abused me, or I was a fucking piece of shit abuser to them. Or both. There were two where it was mutually destructive and awful and abusive and just pure usery. There was one...One that legitimately raped me. I still bear physical and mental trauma from that rape.

My second long term relationship was just as emotionally abusive as my first and he constantly threatened violence. Then he stalked me after we broke up.

And everyone I've dated since has been a user or an asshole. Each one. And I was coerced into sex by one of them, again. They penetrated me without my permission and they didn't use a condom. I didn't say no. But I also froze and full on dissociated. I would've been fine with sex if they would've asked for a condom, or maybe asked for vocal consent. But, they were literally on top of me and had a foot in height and easily 50-70 lbs of weight on me and I just froze. And they fucking gave me HPV. And now I have precancer. 

I'm sick, too. I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed when I was 10. No one understands it (besides doctors, and even then some doctors are dicks about it). The prevailing theory currently is that it's a mutation of mitochondrial DNA that leaves the mitochondria more vulnerable to oxidative stress. My cells can't process energy properly. So I'm tired all the time, and it feels like I've pulled every muscle in my body, on top of shooting nerve pain, migraines, and a stomach that is never not hurting. I don't sleep, because I'm in so much pain. My body is fucked on the cellular level. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I can't afford my medicine because I $2000 in the hole for an emergency surgery that my cat had to have.

I want to die. Or sleep for a very long time. Until I can wake up and be someone else. Maybe I did something horrible in a past life. My life is not pure shit. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes I love to live life. I love nature. I love drawing. I love science. I love magic and music and art. So many things. But I am constantly hurt by people. Destroyed by people. All I want is to love. I do love. I am such an amazing friend. I am. I would do anything for anyone. But people see that weakness and take advantage of it and they crush me and destroy me and tear me to pieces over and over and over again. There is so little left of me now. 

I do things for myself, or try to anyhow. Things to comfort myself. I've been through therapy so many times. I can't do it right now. So, I just try to love myself. But, it's hard when it feels like I'm the only person that loves me. I have one person in my life who I'm sure loves me unconditionally, but I cannot burden them. They take on everyone else's pain all the time. I really stay alive for them, because even worse things have happened to them, and I don't want to be one more awful tragedy or loss in their life. But, still. They're like the sibling I always wanted. And I am horribly lonely and want and need a different kind of love. But, every time I've tried...I've been shredded. Over and over. 

There is so so so little left. So little left of me. I really do not know how much more there is until I am nothing and have to completely rebuild myself. 

I wish I could sleep for a thousand years.`, return in JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}