classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]

teks: I'm fine, just a bit tired today.http://i.imgur.com/O45zalm.png

Person in front who hasn't seen you continues to keep their back to you, so you kind of try to move in between them and the person they're standing next too, but there isn't enough room, so you end up kind of in between them but behind them and find it too awkward to try to enter the conversation. After 5 or 10 minutes of smiling and listening, eventually you just give up and leave to go get a drink and sit in a chair or a couch somewhere, absent mindedly playing with your phone so it kind of looks like you're busy doing something but really all you're doing is begging on the inside for someone, anyone to just sit next to you, and have a meaningfull conversation.

Eventually after maybe an hour or two, maybe few small conversations here and there, you suddenly realise how bored you are and decide to go home. You walk out the door, no one really notices, you don't say goodbye to anyone cause you don't really see the point.

When you get home, you still feel a bit bored so you decide to have some more alcohol, maybe watch a movie or play a game, probably drink a little too much, but it helps you get to sleep.

You might try and reach out to old friends, some reply, most don't, might hang out some times, but even when you're with others, you just don't feel like you fit in. You realise you never really have felt like you fit in anywhere. Always kind of felt like an observer of life, never a participant. You start to realise just how exhausted but restless you feel, it seems so contradictory to you. You start to drink a little more each night, it helps you get to sleep. You stop bothering to try to reach out to people, they always seem so busy and never reply anyway.

Sometimes when you're out in public, in big crowds, out shopping, you notice there's so many people around you, there's just so many people. Old, young, groups, couples, a lot of them look happy. "How do they do it?", you wonder, it's like they don't see all the people, but you do. You feel like you still don't fit in, you drop by the bottleshop on the way back home.

Sometimes when you're sitting alone at home, you just feel so bored, but don't want to do anything, so you don't do anything, you start to wonder where all the time is going. The world is spinning, but you don't feel like you're moving.

Sometimes you get thoughts, never anything serious of course, but you wonder if this is all there is, is this what my life is just going to be until one day I die? You just feel so tired, but you're still bored, it still doesn't make sense.

Maybe one day the thoughts start to get a little more serious, why not just end it? Nothing's changing anyway. But you couldn't do that to your family, you know they would blame themselves, you couldn't do that to them.

Days, months, maybe years pass, you still feel like you're still just floating, just observing. You're so tired, trying to run through water while everyone around you is swimming. They make it look so easy, how do they do it? Every step you take is so tiring.

You think, "Maybe I should just do it. Nothing ever changes." It will hurt people, but that's just life, it's inevitable anyway. You don't want to make a mess or anything, you don't want anything too painful. You think maybe the old hose to the car exhaust is best. You work out an area that no one would go to for days or even weeks on end. You get the duct tape and some old hose from garage, and you start driving. You just still feel so tired, you tell yourself this is the right thing to do, you've had a good run, a good life, but you're just so tired.

You reach the area you picked, you tape the hose to the exhaust and put the other end in one of the windows, try to duct tape the little gap at the top of the window. You put on some nice music, you've always like Israel Kamakawiwoʻole's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, it's a nice song.

You start the car.

The exhaust fills the car, kind of stings when you breathe it in, smells awful too. You start to cough a bit. Things start to get a little fuzzy.

You tell yourself it's okay, you're just so tired of everything.

And now you get to sleep.
self-harm