teks: I’m really trying butObligatory note: English is not my first language. Tw: drugs 

So, last year was the worst year of my life. At this point it doesn’t matter why anymore. In 2019 I tried to kill myself like five times and the last one a friend took me to a psychiatric hospital but they didn’t admitted me cause the rules stated that at least 2 people who didn’t take meds and were also female stand by my side 24/7 and I don’t have those people (fucking rules, what’s the point of asking for help then). My parents took me with them to their house for a few weeks but never talked about what happened. I can’t afford a private hospital and my insurance doesn’t cover it. Talking about insurance, the only reason I’m not killing myself right now is because I have to be alive at least for another 8 months so my parents can cash out my life insurance.
I hit rock bottom on October, I dropped my job, closed all social media and cut almost all the people out of my life. I’ve been lying in my bed watching tv the last months, doing coke everyday and smoking pot. (Was just thinking about taking care of my drug problem but what’s the point anyways) I was too afraid of walking out of my flat cause my ex lives EXTREMELY close and the thought of just seeing him makes me wanna die even worse. I can’t even took the subway without having a panic attack.
But I was trying to get better, I really was. I go to therapy every week and I’m taking my meds, I tried to get to know new people and I actually went out a few times. 
Today I was feeling with a lot of energy, I was “fine” for the first time in 9 months and decided to walk to the store. And I saw him, I saw my ex. And everything went down once again and worse than ever.
I won’t kill myself tonight because I feel really guilty about all the time and money my parents spend on me and I feel like I owe them at least the insurance, I mean it’s more cash than I will ever gonna be able to earn. But I can’t keep going, I swear I tried my best and did everything in my hands to get better. 
The world is an awful place and it keeps getting worse everyday, all the people are rude and selfish. I’m worthless, I don’t contribute with anything in any way.
I’ve been clinically depressed for 13 years now, 5 years ago I was diagnosed with borderline and well, the anxiety it’s always there. I’m also on process of a chronic genetic illness diagnosis. 
So, why keep trying? What’s the point?
kelaskan text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, bagi dalam JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}