teks `My attemptsI’m back into depression after being out of it for a couple years and I’m thinking about the whole misery of my life past and present so I decided to write down the two times I acted on my death wish.





The first time I attempted suicide was about 7 years ago after a bad teenage breakup (1,5 year relationship) and completely failing high school (or equivalent in my country). Classic teenage guy gets dumped for the wrong reasons right after he decides to stop a specific competitive sport that his whole life was revolving around. So no longer seeing any friends (had none in school cause training every day at sports) + catastrophic breakup = no longer going to school, I fail all my classes. 

That summer in one of those crying in my bedroom spiral of despair after I get a message from my ex out of the blue just going off on everything we did together and how I was basically a monster (she apologized for that later iirc) I get up and scrambling through the medicine cabinet, swallow about 18 grams of paracetamol. After the adrenaline rush, I get up and watch a movie or something. Hours pass and no effect are felt, so I fall asleep.

I wake up with the worst stomach pain I’ve ever felt, I’m screaming in the bathroom puking for what felt like hours, my father calls the emergency services and they say « it’s probably just a bad stomach bug we’ve been having». I pass out of exhaustion from puking and wake up the next day in my bed with what felt like the worst hangover I’d ever had, it also lasted days rather than just one like a normal hangover. As I start reading online about what I did, I realize I’m going to die, my liver is poisoned and that much paracetamol will kill me, it’s probably even too late. I even go on one of those popular medical forums where I ask questions and people tell me I’m either going to die or I’m lying. Remember I was a competitive sportsman am 190 cm and weighed something like 100kg back then, and still very very healthy then. 

Anyway nothing came from that I talked to my doctor and did a bunch of tests my liver is all fine. BUT SERIOUSLY DONT TAKE TOO MUCH PARACETAMOL ITS THE DUMBEST THING IVE EVER DONE PLEASE I WAS EXTREMELY LUCKY 



Now the second time was for the same reasons in the same kind of way but with a mix of Advil and ibuprofen again rummaging through the cabinet (no one knows about my first attempt)

For some stupid reason, after a few hours going out for a walk around the village and calming down a little bit, I decide to send a text to my best friend something like : « lol swallowed like 15 ibuprofen 5 hours still nothing I’m a fucking tank ». My friend was super worried, he was still doing that same sport was at an event and told management there and (thankfully didn’t have my parents number on hand) kept calling everyone they knew who could know us, so I got calls from parents of friends, and I basically either didn’t pick up or just lie about everything and said it was just a joke, very embarrassing. Also made me realize what kind of things happen when someone does something like this.

Nothing came of that either for my health, again VERY LUCKY DONT PLAY WITH PILLS.

I managed to get my high school degree just because it’s basically impossible to fail if you have above room temperature IQ, i went to business school, took on a huge loan and dropped out after 2 years.

So now it’s about 4,5 years after I dropped out, I’m still 190cm but I’m 140kg, if I didn’t have a strong body because of my teenage years I’d be one my way to cardiac arrest. I haven’t been with a girl in 7 years and I hate my job but stay because the pay is ok for the work. I’ve been living with my dad ever since I left college and have thought about suicide every day since. My dad is extremely supportive, one of the best people in the world, but I can tell he’s given up on me and just likes having me around. I can tell he has given up on me because he praises me when I do good, but isn’t disappointed when I do bad, well unless we’re talking dishes of course. 

I just needed to type my story here sorry if it doesn’t belong here,`, kelaskan teks guna labels {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}
self-harm