kelaskan teks [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], bagi dalam bentuk JSON {'kelas'}, teks `I think about committing suicide every day for the past 4 years and today I feel it stronger than everI think about committing suicide every day for the past 4 years and today I feel it stronger than ever. 

About me: I am a 32-year-old male, and I am about to be 33. I am a nurse practitioner. I have the responsibilities of a physician while getting a fraction of the pay. I have monumental student loan debt. I do get satisfaction with helping others, but it is a fleeting feeling that is often obscured by the mountains of red tape, insurance, and long hours that is America’s healthcare system. Money and work are a constant stressor and struggle. I have a good relationship with the people I work with, but that relationship does not extend beyond the workplace. Everyone has husbands, wives, and/or kids that they are all busy with. 

The biggest thing is that I feel so alone. I do not have any friends. I just moved 2 months ago so that I can be near my parents and my sister hoping that it would make me happier. And I do have short moments where I do feel happy occasionally. But even when I am around family, I have this overwhelming feeling of being alone.

I feel like if I had a companion that I could be happy again. I want a family. The happiest time of my life was 5 years ago when I was engaged. But it turns out she was living a double life/cheating. One day while I was at work, she cleared out the bank accounts, took anything of value out of the apartment, and disappeared leaving me with nothing but an empty place and debt.  I then found out that she was married 2 months later. It was such a shock because I could not see her being that person. I am honestly over her. But I do miss having a partner that I loved so much and feeling that kind of love in return. I have tried waiting and hoping that I would find my someone in life naturally. When that did not work, I turned to trying the dating scene and it has been an awful experience so far. I am not ugly, but I am bald which ages me. So, I do not get a lot of matches in my age range using dating platforms. The matches I do get I often do not find attractive as shallow as that sounds. I have tried to settle, not be shallow, and to get to know the few that are there for who they are and hoping that the attraction will come. How do you force yourself to be attracted to someone? But there has been no one that really ignites that spark that I once had. Though, I did start talking to someone about 3 weeks ago. She is intelligent, kind, and beautiful. We had our 2nd date 2 days ago and this morning she texted me the “just friends” speech. I told her I understand and wished her good luck. I have not cried in 5 years; my emotions have been kind of dulled since it seems. But I am crying now. I do not think I will ever find my person; it is just too late.

I am so tired of trying to be happy and so tired of struggling. On the outside to others I appear like this energetic, funny, and happy person. And I do have happy moments here and there. But, overall, I have this general dissatisfaction with life, and I do not look forward to anything. I am tired of putting on my happy face. My parents and sister do not know I feel this way and I would never bring it up to them. They are not the talking it through type. I have never told anyone these feelings. I have tried anti-depressants and they just make my emotions dulled, both good and bad. I cannot afford therapy. 

I have read some of the posts on here and realize that there are those who have much more awful life stories than I have, so I am sure some of you are cursing at me. But I am just so unhappy and so tired. Every day I keep pushing the thought of suicide out of my head. I keep trying and keep forcing myself to hope that tomorrow will be a better day. But it is just not coming, and nothing is changing. The only thing that is changing is that I am getting older and more tired. I'm alone. I likely would have killed myself already if it were not for my family. But I know it would just absolutely crush them, so it feels selfish to do it. But is it selfish? It is my life. Do I have to suffer to keep them from feeling a loss? 

I do not even know the purpose of this post. I am just at my wit's end grasping at straws for anything because I am on the precipice of making an irreversible decision. Thanks for reading.`
{"kelas": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}