kelaskan teks {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, teks `I just feel like I'm here to keep people happy...Hey all. I'm posting because I just keep getting closer and closer to finally ending everything... 

I've been depressed for a long time, but I had one of the one nights in a while yesterday, and I keep thinking of just ending it all now and getting it over with. I've got a lot of issues, don't like who I am, in my 20's and live at home, I'm an alcoholic, had a lot of bad things happen in the last few years. My best friend killed himself a couple of weeks ago without any warning too.

I'm used to being depressed, but last night I went on my work night out. I've previously told my colleague I have feelings for her and was turned down. I'm absolutely fine with that, I'm not complaining about being rejected, shit happens. Last night though, our night out got messy. I spent the last couple of hours looking after other people who were a mess, making sure they had taxis home, getting them water, picking them up when they fall or pass out. All that time, my work colleague who calls herself my work wife is getting with another one of our colleagues. 

I know it's the right thing to do, I should look after other people when they need help, I honestly have no problem with her getting with who she wants, she's not leading me on, but we all left the bar, I'd been putting others in taxis, making sure they had a way home or were okay making it back, and I'm left there all by myself. I spent so long trying to look after other people when I'm so low myself, and my reward is loneliness again, while everybody I know walks off. I just walked home 7 miles just crying, not a single person text me to see if I was okay or if I found a way home... I tried to hard to help other people when I'm so desperately low, and my reward is watching someone I care about get with someone else, and then being left on my own. 

I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself over one bad night, but I've lost so much recently, I don't remember the last time I was happy, and I don't want to keep having more days like this. I kept telling myself if I'd got a taxi home last night, I would have put a plastic bag over my head and just gone to sleep. I needed to walk home and take my time to convince myself not to. `
self-harm