classify text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}

teks: I feel so impossibly aloneEvery single day, every single fucking day, I hide behind this stupid mask.

It’s like I’m an actor in a one man play, and the audience is my peers, watching me smile and wave and play this perfect little persona I’ve created, day in, day out.

It’s almost like I’m stuck in this make believe world that I’ve created, a world where I mask my true feelings by saying I’m “just tired”, or “I’m fine”.

I play the supportive friend, the one who tries to fix everything, the one who tries as hard as possible to make things better when my friends too, show me their self harm scars, or open up to me about their troubles. The one you would least expect to be suicidal.

The thing is, I am.
Everything in my life is going to absolute shit at the moment, and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.

It’s all stupid, tiny shit, or most of it anyway, but it all builds up.

There’s the dumb, basic stuff, like how unattractive I am, or how my grades are falling, and the pressure put on me by adults in my life to do good at school is making me feel like I’m drowning.

Then there’s my friends, whom I love to bits, but sometimes their actions, and my actions when it comes to them unintentionally push me even deeper into this dark hole I’ve seem to fallen into.

One of my friends has found newer, better friends than me and hasn’t hung around me for a while because of it. 
Another is lovely, but super judgemental about people self harming because a lot of people in her past have only done it for attention. 
The third overreacts to everything so she’s not an option to talk to, besides, I never see her because she started homeschooling recently.
And my final close friend is super supportive when it comes to this, he and my ex (I told him when we were still dating) are the only two people in my life who know about my depression.. or whatever this is, but we’re constantly getting into arguments over pointless shit so I don’t want to tell him too much.

See, so far it’s just.. stupid teenage drama. Nothing special.

Anyway, my parents are also factors into this equation.
They can be.. really hard to deal with sometimes. I love them, and I know they love me too, but some things they say, and do, hit really close to home.

I’m not a perfect child, that is for sure, I fuck up and lash out in arguments, and I don’t always do what I’m told. My parents usually combat this by calling me names which, yeah, it really hurts. I can’t even count on my fingers the amount of times I’ve been called something crude, today alone.
Sometimes it escalates into physical violence, but not anything too bad, and I know they don’t mean to do it.
Usually it’s just shit like being slapped across the head, or held up against a wall by my collar, which is ok because at least I’m not actually being beat.
I understand too, cause yeah, I can be pretty hard to deal with sometimes, although it doesn’t make what they do hurt any less.

Lastly, this one is a new development, but I think it contributes a lot to how I’ve been feeling recently, but.. my dad is dying.

Or at least, he’s not supposed to live past the next three years.

He’s not going to see me graduate, or walk me down the aisle, or anything I wish he would be around to do.

So yeah. I don’t really want to dwell on that side of things too much because I’m tearing up already.

I can’t talk to anyone about this because my friends, as I’ve stated, aren’t really great options, and besides, they’re supposed to be my friends, not my therapists; this is definitely above their pay grade.

I can’t tell my parents either, because however understanding, they don’t always listen, and they don’t always believe me when I say I’m having mental health issues.

For example, I have a history of OCD.
Not like, shit that people say they have when they can’t stand having a pencil out of place or something, but actual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

When I was 11 I had HOCD, and talked to my mum about it almost every night until it went away, and she seemed fine with dealing with me then.

However, last year (I was 13) I had Harm OCD, and I talked to my parents about it a little bit before they began to say I was quote unquote “making it up to spend time with them” and that it was “bullshit and I should stop lying for attention”. (Not even kidding, they actually said that)

So, you’d get why I wouldn’t really want to talk to them about mental health stuff again.

I don’t have any trusted teachers I want to talk to, and I’m NOT going to go to a school councillor, or any form of councillor or therapist whatsoever.

Basically, I’ve got no one to turn to, so my last resort is reddit.

The amount of suicidal thoughts I’ve had in the past hour alone is terrifying, and although I wouldn’t act on them (I’m too scared), I just wanted to get this out and vent to someone.

That’s all I guess.
self-harm