teks: I think I’m a small part of other peoples’ bigger pictures.TW: Brief mention of CSA.
This is just how I feel, I don’t believe people should agree or want other people to agree with me. I came to a realization.. it can’t be everyone’s time. Sometimes you can’t make something good out of something bad, sometimes it’s really not worth it. I don’t believe in much but a part of me believes in past lives and next lives. This just isn’t the one for me. I think I’m a small part of a bigger picture. A couple peoples’ bigger pictures. I’ve lived my life as a commodity to be used and discarded of. I was born into it. I didn’t get to be innocent, I started my life being born into someone’s sick fantasy. 

You know how they say some people have “main character syndrome”? Maybe some people are like main characters. I must be a supporting actor, but not really that.. more of an extra. I think I’m a stepping stone towards other peoples’ bigger pictures. I’m the person in the background. I’m a punching bag that becomes a lesson for them that leads towards some sort of self realization redemption story, which will always be bigger than a forgiveness/healing one. I think I’m half a person.. the other half left awhile ago, or maybe I was never really whole. I think I’ve always been half of what a person should be and that’s why I never fully mattered. That’s why I’ve been in the situations I’ve been in. I’m just something that happens on the way towards a “bad” persons self-realization. 

I’m tired of feeling like I’d have to spend the rest of my life healing, and I’m tired of being told to forgive. My forgiveness doesn’t matter, plus I’m allowed to be angry. Some things are unforgivable but no, it doesn’t matter whether I forgive them or not. They’re still gonna wake up and applaud themselves for realizing they have hurt people, and “breaking the cycle”. They’re gonna forgive themselves and move on while they pat themselves on the back, and others do as well. It doesn’t matter what I do. They’ll know peace because they didn’t have to experience themselves through the eyes of others. 

Why are people born to take on the pain that other people choose to inflict? Why was I born to be broken? 

I guess if you really want to turn things around for yourself no matter how bad the things you’ve been through, you probably can. But do you feel like it? I’d rather try next time.
kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]
self-harm