teks `i dont know what to dohihi!! ive posted on reddit before but never with anything this serious. i made a throwaway to talk abt this cuz i dont want it getting linked back to me. 

recently ive felt more suicidal than i have my entire life. i started to self harm again very recently, and im scared its going to get worse. 70% of me wants me dead and the last 30% doesnt. im a 20 y/o trans man living with his 19 y/o boyfriend and his mom. he's the most supportive, kind boyfriend ever and he's already helped me a lot.

the thing is, i cant be left alone. every time i am left alone i begin to want to (and end up actually) self harming. my bf doesnt work so hes home with me when im not at work, but he sleeps different hours and can't be with me all the time. my depression has gotten to the point where im having a really hard time taking care of myself. i cant prepare meals, and when i do i nearly puke them up. i have a hard time showering (i managed today but it might be almost a week before i can get myself to do it again) im really scared im going to become flakey at my job. i just started my job a few weeks ago and im really enjoying it so far. i care to keep it, but im scared my depression and ESPECIALLY my anxiety will get in the way of me going in. ive already noticed my anxiety flares up really bad at times when i go in.

im not actively on any antidepressants, but i am on adderall for my adhd. i just ran out yesterday and i need to wait a few days for another prescription. sometimes it does help with my depression, since it gives me a way to distract myself by hyperfocusing on video games. its not perfect, though, and can make me a cranky bitch. in turn, makes my anxiety flare up. im also going to get a refill for the antidepressants i was already on before. i didnt notice a difference in my moods when i took them last time, but i wasnt at such a low point before. i've also used thc edibles to cope, but since im under 21 i cant exactly go out and get some. i dont know when ill have some again.

BASICALLY, i don't know if i should check myself into a hospital or not. as i said, my bf is here to help me take care of myself... but its not really fair to him. im his boyfriend, not his child. hes willing to look out for me, but he also has a life to live.

ive mentioned the idea of going to one yesterday, and he basically told me its all up to me. my main worries are insurance, my work, and the fact that i'm trans. i know that i'll most likely be housed separately because im trans (which tbh im ok with), but i also have to give my deadname at the start since my insurance hasnt been updated yet. that scares the fuck out of me because if im misgendered while im there, i wont get ANY better. i pass as male (ive been on T for almost a year) but because of my deadname, it might be confusing.

i'm also really scared about my work. i'm not TOO worried about keeping my job. my management is really understanding and if i tell them it's life or death, they'll let me off the hook. i feel i can trust them knowing i have depression, so long as they dont tell everyone else i work with. one of my biggest concerns is with money. i dont get paid a lot, so my first paycheck is already gone to bills and food (hell, im in the negatives rn). i get paid again next week, but if i go to a hospital and miss a few days of work i might not get that much for my next paycheck. this ties in with my insurance worries. i dont have the best insurance, and im scared that they wont cover it or will only partially cover it. i really, really dont want to borrow money from anyone and im scared i'll be in debt or be turned away because i can't pay for it. 

not only that, but i've also heard being at a mental hospital is hell. my brother and my bf have both been in one for a few days and they hated it. i dont know if it actually helped them, but their situations were different from mine. im scared of the other people there, since i REALLY dont want to be around other mentally ill people. i have really bad social anxiety and i would hate to have to talk to people who arent professionals trying to help.

TLDR ;; im feeling suicidal and im self harming. i dont want this to get worse. i dont actually want to die, but im scared i will. i need to figure out if i should go to a hospital or not because i simply can't trust myself.`, kelaskan texts {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis} dan pulangkan dalam bentuk JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}