classify text {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}

teks: I am losing my fucking marbles so I’m going to rantI want to start this by saying this not a bait and I’m not fishing for attention by posting this I just really need to rant to calm myself down. Thanks ahead If you read all this, i know it’s going to be a lot. 

My dad always thinks when I talk about this shit, it’s just me bathing in self pity, like it’s just a way to get attention but it’s fucking not. I’m slowly but surely going fucking insane. I know my dad thinks this is just an excuse for me to half ass being alive but I can’t help it. Really I’m trying, I even went to therapy and took all the meds they gave me but I really cannot see a point to keep trying if nothing is working. I was kind of getting better for a little. I was trying to avoid my triggers like certain people or situations but now I’ve found myself sheltered off from the real world. But this intense urge to kill myself keeps coming back no matter how hard I try. For a while I switched to the bottle as a desperate attempt to smother these intense impulses, but it was counter productive because I would end up just being miserable while i was drunk, which made suicide seem justifiable. All I can do now is get angry because at least when I’m angry I’m not sad. For at least 10 years all I would do is be sad. I’m 17 now and when I was 7 my sister who was 9 at the time got molested in front of me by our baby sitters son and all I could do was feel ashamed in myself for not doing anything. All the while My mom would cry to me drunk out of her mind because my father left her. I had a little game I would play with her called “the bird who says don’t cry” where I would just lean into her and say “don’t cry!”. That’s all I can think of now. All this shit that happened when i was so young keeps coming back and boiling into anger aimed in no particular direction. Talking about it helps but only so much. 

The only thing keeping me going is my family. My mom is a bipolar drug addict, my brother is just as angry at nothing as I am (plus he’s slowly but surely developing an extremely intense alcohol problem to try and cope with everything), my other brother is a recovering drug addict, and my sister is my best friend who has kept me going in some dark ass times. She’s too strong to tarnish for my own selfish reasoning, but i know she’s got a lot she’s repressing. My whole family is on the brink besides my dad who is happy to live in blissful ignorance to the situation. I can’t throw them over board for myself. It wouldn’t be fair. But god damn it’s getting hard to keep going. 

Thank you if you read this. 


(side note, I don’t mean to be ripping on my family because i love them all but This was just for me to rant), return JSON {'label'}
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}