classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]

teks: Killing myself seems like a logical option. Would like to not consider it one.Alright guys, I am feeling bleak as fuck. Called out of work today because I was anxious all night and stayed up until three crying. I am not feeling good about a future and I don't know what to do.  


I am 24, never finished any sort of schooling. I got stuck in complacency and never improved my job prospects in any way. I despise college and while I wish I did fucking something in tech I don't have to energy to fucking go back on top of balancing a fulltime job. Yes I know people do it all the fucking time. I hate school enough that I don't care. I don't want it to take over four years for me to get into a field I might like as fucking junior developer in my mid 30s. (Not that that's old, really.)  


So I guess I could do a trade. Except I am constantly fucking struggling with an auto immune  disease so lets hope it doesn't fucking kill me I guess? I could go into sales but I fucking hate people. I deep down just want to live partially off the grid.  Have some chickens, grow my own food. Buy some land outright, convert some trailer/ big metal box into a house, make my own damn stuff and run small businesses but that gives me so much fucking anxiety do to the lack of security of income.  


Lol literally this all started because I wanted to research investing, do some studying while I am taking a day off. And now all these things that were suppose to sustain my future are making me  feel bleak about it. If I save all my money now I'll miss out on fun things while I am young. Don't save enough and I'll probably live my later years in hell. Like fuck what is the point?  


On top of that, my derealization is really bad and my days zoom by in a blink. I am losing my life. My only one. I wake up, and feeling like I am going back to bed again after 5 minutes. My sense of time is distorted and I feel distant from my friends, boyfriend, and loved ones. I have tried to just ignore it and immerse myself but fuck its not working this time.  I fucking hate myself and everything around me. How am I going to fucking survive? I just want to feel happy and alive. Not it a foggish lonely nightmare. fuck FUCK FUCK. who cares.
self-harm