teks: Need advice on how to stay alive, getting a full-time job, etc.Hey guys. This will probably be a really long, rambling post, because I need to get everything out there in the hopes that someone on here is kind enough to listen and offer sound advice. 

So I am a 25 year old, living with my aunt in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, a small college town. I have my own car, though the payments and tags are being paid for by my aunt, along with my phone. I'm 300 pounds but carry it well, but it's still hard for me to do physical labor since I tend to faint easily. Low blood sugar? I don't know. Still, since I graduated high school in 2010, I've held a couple of part-time jobs, which were really hard for me to do, but I managed until I couldn't anymore. The longest I held one of them was for a year. Other than that I've fucked around in community college since then, losing aid and having family bail me out, and actually was on course to graduate this winter (since I really didn't want to waste their money since they were nice enough to help out), but then I lost all hope.

Back in 2011, I got depersonalization disorder. At least I think that's what it is. I've suffered from extreme depression and anxiety all my life, but never thought about suicide ever. I was an idealist, and an artist, and I loved life at it's core, even though I was abused emotionally and in general had a really tough upbringing. Anyway, the day that I got it I had what I believe was my first panic attack, but I feel like my brain couldn't handle it and dissociated to where I was beside myself. Ego death. I could experience my emotions but I was outside of them. The world became extremely real, the illusion was shattered and people became sentient meatbags to me. Against my will. Since then my life has felt like one long moment. I wouldn't wish this on any human being that has ever lived. But I survived. Somehow, likely largely due to Lexapro, I started coping. I told myself, "If I have to live the rest of my life like this, I can handle it." And it got better! I started to not question if I could feel anything anymore, and slowly life became manageable. I would feel moments of joy without questioning them, like I did before this cursed disease. However, in June of this year, I dissociated further. I had another attack. But this time, things didn't get any better. After about a week of dealing with it, I decided, after losing the most horrifying mental battle I've ever had, where I decided that I truly could not feel love anymore, for the closest person in my life my sister, to kill myself. The thing is, I know I love her, but my love has become permanently numb. Which I thought I had dealt with before, but like everything in this world, it just gets worse. It can always become worse.

So since that day I have become a phantom, hiding my pain, and planning suicide methods. But recently I decided that the best thing to do, would be to honor the life I had before. Work on my art, and stay alive for her. Even if it's hard to feel anything. Because I just don't want to put her through that horror of losing me. She's off at college somewhere else and we talk nearly every day. I've told her of my struggles, and she's always encouraging and trying to give me hope, but I haven't told her I'm suicidal, or my aunt or any of my other family. Maybe there will be a cure for this one day. I would gladly take a cure over death.

So here's where I'd like some guidance. I am broke, living off of a college fund my aunt gave me, which will run out soon. I've only got a high school diploma, it's hard for me to even get out of bed in the morning, and I'm still fighting this and always will I'm afraid. My aunt thinks I'm working but I really just go to the library all day and draw or get on reddit. I'm neurotic to psychotic levels, and I'm a complete shut-in introvert. No real skills. No health insurance either. So what I think I could handle is a full-time job, but one where I can be away from people and only requires a high school diploma. If I can get one of those, get my own apartment, volunteer eventually and work on my art in my free time, I think I can stay alive. Otherwise I will kill myself in January.

Thanks for listening. I know this was really stream of consciousness and maybe hard to follow, but I am a desperate man. I will answer any questions you might have. And to anyone that can help me get on the right path, I will honor you forever, and you have literally my eternal gratitude.
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self-harm