teks: beyond helpIt’s currently 6 am, still haven’t slept, I’m exhausted yet restless, mostly numb.  Been living my life on autopilot for as long as I can remember now, most likely uncomfortably high.  I’m not sure what I want entirely or what to do, but the feeling of emptiness and loneliness won’t go away.  I feel so out of place just about everywhere, and everything makes my skin crawl.  I hate that I can’t genuinely immerse myself in anyone or anything for too long, without feeling anxious and paranoid.  I have a bad habit of detaching and disappearing when I finally become a part of something that makes me happy, then watching myself destroy it and me.  Because of this I lost my best friends, hell my life support, which I didn’t realize would hurt so damn much.  They’d been nothing but supportive until I’ve slowly but completely detached myself, so only I’m to blame.  When I was a freshman, a senior raped me in my school.  He stole my virginity and I didn’t do anything but bottle it up and push it to the back of my mind.  Then I dropped out with 2 credits left during the last semester of my senior year because I was too weak to handle the toxic environment and people. Being home wasn’t any better, especially when my own sister would constantly remind me that I’m “a mentally ill, ghetto, lowlife who can’t even finish high school.”   All I’m doing is proving her right.  I’m Asian and my family, being traditional, didn’t acknowledge my depression until I was in the ER.  I’m turning 19 this month, truthfully I didn’t even expect to make it to 18.  I’m so lost and tired and tired of being tired.  I really really try to keep in mind to take it day by day, and that tomorrow will be another day, but it feels impossible.  I know what I need to do regarding “my future and my career”, but I hardly have the will to get out of bed and eat anything.  What fucking frustrates me the most is that prior to something, I managed to be top of my class, participate in sports, work 2 jobs, and keep a social life, so I KNOW I’m capable, I just can’t give a shit.  Whatever that something is, I wish I knew.  I’m in a dumbass cycle where I’m trapped because I’m not trying my best, but I’m not trying my best because I’m trapped.  I want to care so badly, I know my mom is hurting when she thinks about me.  If it weren’t for her and my boyfriend (and weed), I wouldn’t be here to type this.  I’m glad to have found this sub because I don’t know who I can talk to and I feel like I’m losing my mind, I definitely don’t want to put this weight them.  But even when I’m with my bf, whom I love with my entire being, I still can’t help but feel lonely, which makes me feel guilty and worse.  Not too recently I’ve been using more and more xans, percs, oxys, whatever downers, since it makes the “same shit/different day” thing easier, unfortunately I ran out last night.  I’m so fucking worthless and useless, an absolute waste.  Every step forward I take ends up being 1000 steps back.  If one can go below rock bottom, you’ll find me there.  
kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], bagi dalam JSON {'label'}
{"label": "self-harm"}