teks: That feeling again(disclaimer: all of this may sound a little cryptic but it is just my thought process as I am completely in a dark place, it typically doesn't seem very well put together and may lack back story, however right now I do not care if I miss a few things because I am just letting the cup spill)



This feeling inside, is it normal? Supposedly everyone feels it, I'm told others have it worse than I, that I "haven't felt what it's like to feel depression" is this right is that true? Am I just a whiny spoiled piece of crap of a person? Seems like it.


But this feeling of depression, it has to be it, that feeling of tears about to overcome you at any possible moment, that feeling that death is not only the escape, but the last escape. Because the pain that is felt when living is unbearable, that pain feels like I am a hollow being, just skin and bone, and at the core is the bone that is being gnawed at by an animal, a beast, that beast doesn't stop to chew and destroy, that animal is the world and the life I live in. The parents, the family, the 'friends', and the people who are just there to hurt. The pain of embarrassment that doesn't just happen and then leave, but rather lingers and haunts you until it breaks you down.


The feeling that this will never end and never go away. It may be surpressed for some time by some object or activity but is right there for you when things slow down.


I live a life trying to conform to others beliefs and what everyone else thinks what I can be and not what I want to be, so much so that what I want to be is what everyone thinks I can be. I am restricted and those restrictions cause the most pain and confusion. My restriction of being stuck and not being able to talk with girls because it is "unacceptable" for my religion and this has turned into a social anxiety that causes me to not want to go out, not want to be seen, heard talking to, or be around girls. I feel that this has brought on feelings of homosexuality, feelings that I don't want and that make me feel like a sick animal. All these things just gnaw at me. And then school and the pressures to perform and to have proper grades has manifested itself into me attempting to be a perfectionist, but how is this possible when living in a place that provides no comfort, no escape, just constant pressure. Others, they live so comfortably, no pains, no worries, getting things done. How fortunate they are, yet they don't see it. As I sit here typing away at 12:30 in the morning, gaining more stress than relieving it because I have that voice in the back of my head that is telling me I should be sleeping because in a few hours I must be up to face a day of hell and suffering that is just not worth it. That death is so much better and the best option because even if I dont kill myself and take these days and live until I'm 30 or 40 and I am alone because I decided to do what I want and everyone deserts me.


The restraint of not being able to open up or get therapy because I am still restricted and live in a house owned by my parents. How can one go to the evil to get relief?!


kelaskan text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}
self-harm