teks: idiosyncratic call for helpI don't think I'm quite ready for suicide, but I've thought about it a whole lot. I feel like I could still run away from my problems and construct a new self, and enjoy that. I mean, at the very least enjoy the experience, go somewhere with a beach, work at a hostel, be nice to people but very simple... idk, and build friends. That'd be running away from school debt.  It'd be a fanatical move, and I feel that a major factor in my mental, intelectual, and social deterioration has been my fanaticism in the past, whether religious, political, ideological, etc. Or spells of it, at any rate. 

I can't handle this! I'm a shell of my former self. It's ridiculous and unfair (I've lived though enough to know life isn't fair, but I recognize this is what I feel). It's all a result of moving to the US when I was 12... I didn't quite fit in back home in Latin America, but I was a very lively, extremely intelligent, good-hearted, funny kid. I had some personality issues even then, some social anxiety and maladaptive coping mechanisms (I attribute in part to the obsessive thoughts and control of my catholic upbringing, in part to the parenting I received. My parents loved me but I feel they didn't really properly care for my well-being). In the US, I didn't know any English, was very shy, was bullied (school in the south here in 7th grade), and we stopped speaking spanish among my brothers at home... got VERY negative personality influences and views at that point... Went through a religious phase..  then just gave up, started working hard, idk... Seriously, I'm trying to look forward.... but I'm in my first semester of law school, and it's making me realize how the past 12 years (half of my life) have completely worn away with my intellectual capacity... my ability to relate to people... to enjoy life... my range of cultural knowledge, of interesting conversations (I had a reeeeeeally good childhood in that sense), my storytelling, etc. It's stuff I didn't have in English... i really want to die thinking about it. remembering how my brain used to work, how it could still be if I'd never moved, what a huge mistake that was.

I have the feeling though, that no matter what I do, this is ALWAYS going to haunt me. Part of the reason pushing me towards suicide sooner or later. I can try to ride it out... Maybe disappear to the Island, and hide away for a couple of years.. I don't see how that'd get me any closer to reintegrating with society, I know I wouldn't make money, I'd be leaving a prestigious law school, but honestly I really don't think I could do the law thing anyways. Now that it's all unraveling I realize i've been going through life blindly, I've abandoned my intellect and my memory, and I'm not sure i'll be able to finish law school, or ever work as a lawyer, and even if i did I really don't think I'd be able to cope with that lifestyle. 

I don't really see many alternatives, other than running away. I might find peace of some sort... but I know it'll all be temporary. eventually it will end, it won't be able to satisfy me, and i'll be at the end of my rope.

Sorry for the muddled sentences, if I told you I used to aspire to be a writer.... and honestly... my mind was so literary and creative, my vocabulary so rich. now it's not just lack of practice, it's seriously lack of ideas/lack of language (i've forgotten a lot of both languages, it's really weird)

What can i do. 
kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]
self-harm