teks: do you have a feeling that you are not even deserve to feel depressed?sometimes when i lose myself in my depressive thoughts and remember all the pain that i lived and the ones will come to hit me in the future....i'm losing my mind to the point that i forget why im sad to begin with

"what the hell am i thinking? why am i this depressed ?, im totally faking it! this cant be true...why do i want to die?
everything is normal in mylife so why am i bitching around and spending most of my day suicidal&amp;sad and crying like a bitch?"

and then i remember ...nothing is normal in my life ....from the sad childhood i lived where i only heard my dad and mom screaming at each other and fighting all the time , i felt afraid and anxious...i never felt safe in my own family and never with anyone and i get REALLY ANXIOUS when i go out or go to school (im 16 years old) where if anyone start to talk to me i act really weird 
the only time i feel kind of safe is when im alone ...but then depresstion came to make me feel awful even when im alone by myself...i distract myself from it by food&amp;anime or games
so just to shut these voices in my head up ! maybe i was never truely happy to begin with...maybe i was always this sad
since i was born...maybe i kept locking these painful emotions all through this time to only feel it all at once now, i was always unmotivated but right now its even getting harder to just breath
my time is ticking and i know i wont live my 30+ years old life
i simply wont make it to 20 i know im going to do it very very soon
kelaskan text {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}
mencederakan diri sendiri