classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], text `r/confession didn't help me. Can you?I'm 18, and I realized that I basically downloaded and masturbated to child porn.

Nothing explicit, it was just suggestive. As much as I'd like to condemn the people who do have sex with children, who am I to talk? And not just now, this was shortly after my 18th birthday, which now was a few months ago. I downloaded and jacked off to pictures of Ariel Winter at the 2014 SAG Awards one day and Miley Cyrus in some old episode of Hannah Montana on another. But it doesn't matter, because both of these can qualify as child porn. After looking up the laws on it, I'm convinced it does. I regret it, haven't done it since, and I'd take it back in a heartbeat but I can't. 

And I feel like this just going to hang over my head for the rest of my life. The fact that I did it at all makes me a disgusting POS. I would say I'm not attracted to children, but what's the point in that? Who would believe me?

I feel like I'm not human. Wherever I go it's like I'm different from everyone else. Like everyone else is normal and I'm just a walking pile of dark sin and filth. My guilt is eating at me. I can't let myself think for a second that these were just mistakes I made, and I can move on and a normal, decent person; I don't deserve that. I also worry chronically about it. I live with a paranoia that I've ruined my own life now. Some day what I did will catch up with me. And it will be a crutch that I won't be able to shake off. But the persecution might as well start now, because I have persecutory delusions. I'm just lying here on my bed and I feel like I'm being slandered for it. I won't let myself be happy. 

I've had suicidal musings in the past, and but I didn't tell them that.`
self-harm