teks: I've used the thought of suicide as a coping mechanism for so long, now it's the only future I pictureI can't picture a real future for me.  Things get better.  But I don't think I'll ever be the normal, functioning, consistent, independent person that I want to be.  I dont like this world I'm living in.  I hate the person that I am.

For so long I've been constantly THINKING of killing myself.  I never really, truly thought I would, or at least I convinced myself that I did.  The plans were always going through my head.

I know I'm loved.  I know I could never do that to my family.  But it became something that I WANTED.  I began justifying it.  Last year, I set a reminder on my phone.  It was to remind me when my life insurance policy would pay my family even if I commit suicide.  A really life changing amount of money that I could never earn, a gift that I could never hope to give my parents.  All I am is a parasite on this world.  The people I love give me so much love, so much support, and I hate that it's not enough for me to be normal, someone that gives back, someone that does good.

For years I've been sporadically using self harm as a coping mechanism.  And it helped.  It helped during the breakdowns.  I dont even cut or burn myself that much, it hardly ever scars.  Bruising was my main outlet for a while.  But I hate that I do it, and how much I think about it.

I still dont have suicidal intentions.  But I can't get it out of my head.  I know I am loved, that I am not alone, that things get better... but I dont know what to do with myself.  I hate the person I am.
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