teks: why the fuck notshould i kill myself.. ?? 

I dont believe in god, neither i do believe in anything other religion or anything ..im fine with the thought of just endless void after death.. (((((if life is a fxking simulation then whats the point + all other conspiracy theories. yeah yeah wow my parents and relatives and friends and people that care about me whatever would be sad oooofcourse yeah but as my life every other life is meaningless too, but still i dont want my close ones to think this way. 

i personally just know i have something wrong with me etc. and i have diagnosed anxiety and deppression but i have medication for that and i still want to go. 

aaaaand i think i could be bpd i have these fucking awesome moodswings from ((happy"" to angry to good to bad to happy to angry to suicidal.. etc. This morning i was happy for sometime, then minor inconvenience .. and i was angry ... like angry angry and i just yelled and complained about evefything related to the thing that occured. after that i was kind of irritated but kind of doing good at the same time. Annnd later i was so against myself drinking alcohol but yeah i drank and was pretty drunk, i still am :D 

I WAS HAPPY AND EVEFYTHING i like this one person and i felt so close to him but as we seperated and i was alone all thesd thoughts came again like.. "he doesnt like me" " i am stupid to think that they would ever want me.." etc. 

as i was drowning in self pity i started to think about everything else too death and all that, because when i am sober i have the thought of death too most of the times, but i come to my senses about every people around me and all the things i wouldn't be able to achieve. 

Sometimes i just go to sleep or smth after that, but like now i just think about the stuff like, why the fuck i would need to achieve anything because im going to die anyways, and when i die all of my achievements will be pointless, and everything else is just going to be pointless. why live this pointless life and die when you can just die? why the fuck not to kill myself, if i dont commit suicide today maybe tomorrow will be better but it's still pointless and i always come back to these thoughts. Or maybe tomorrow it will be better and i have the strenght to try to achieve my pointless desires and then i get hit by a car, or have a stroke or something else that results to my death.

maybe someone will be sad after that or mad for being so young to die, but why the fuck. 

I am going to die anyway, maybe not today or not tomorrow or not even in 40 years, but someday and then everything i did in my life will be pointless, i just wake up in some endless void or there is nothing, or there is heaven and hell or i born again in different life... etc.

i have tried to find reason for life, its not love its just fucks me up even more, living your best life is too hard for me because i want to die, and everytime i take something, drugs, alcohol, i have the reason, bevause i don't think about this stuff i just live and do everything and don't really think anything like this. 

And I don't think anyone should kill themselves but at the same time i think I should and everyone else who does that i'm not really against it ... its so confusing even tho these are my thoughts... 

((sorry if there is spellibg mistakes etc.. im not really sober rn :D
kelaskan text [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis]
mencederakan diri sendiri