teks: Hurt, but tell myself it’s fineI grew up in a very abusive home, my dad - the only person that had my back, passed away when I was 16. My mother, during an argument, let it slip that she wished she had aborted me. I knew she grew up with much more abuse than I did, being angry meant it was okay to hurt someone. My ex is also physically and sexually abusive, extremely possessive and I’m in constant worry that someday I won’t be able to hide from him. 

I don’t think there’s a single day where I don’t think about suicide. 

In person I am very happy, friendly, optimistic.
I play the extrovert card very well and constantly fight to make sure people only see me as a positive person. I take everything thrown at me and turn it into a smile if I know anyone is looking. I’ve gone to work bruised and sleepless, I’ve given and given even if it leaves nothing for myself - i.e. money, physical things, my home, but I’ll avoid going in too much detail there, I am currently living at home and no longer in my car. I’ve been expected to give, even if I subconsciously don’t want to.

I thought to myself that by pretending I was happy, it would ultimately make me happy. 
In that, people I care about began to expect me to be the way I always try to be. 

At work I can’t let myself slip for half a second without my coworkers demanding what’s wrong, I can’t say no without them wondering if they did something wrong. It hurts that I refuse to leave my mother, she’s getting old and tired - but despite the constant emotional turmoil, I won’t leave. It hurts ; That I don’t call the cops on my ex for fear of ruining his life for having him arrested. That I don’t look for help for myself and self debilitating habits, that I let my bank account fall negative too many times while trying to help anyone that asks.
This turned into more of a vent than anything, I can’t even pinpoint what I meant to say originally.

My birthday is on saturday

I don’t want to make it to then. All I remember is every year that went wrong, every year that I was raped, beat, forced to play it up for family members that were always condescending toward me. This year I’ll be alone, my mom is getting medical treatment and staying with my brother. There is nobody but me. I pushed away all the friends I had so that they couldn’t see what’s been going on my entire life. My last friend is moving out of state in a month.

I know whatever statistics say that people that say they’re going to kill themselves don’t typically go through with it, I can’t predict the future. 
I just wanted to give myself a chance at, not so much being heard, but knowing that I said my peace somewhere. 

Please, stay kind. 


kelaskan text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn]
self-harm