kelaskan teks [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], teks `Anyone feel the same?Hi. 

I have dysthymia. To put it lightly, I have chronic mild depression that has lasted for many, many years. I had it diagnosed on my own and didn’t let my very traditional family know. Mix having a chronically low mood compared to your average person, bouts of severe depression on top of that, high emotional intelligence... and you’ve got me: a 26 year old surgical scientist who, despite having taken no medications for the last decade, have powered through the most terrorizing, deafening depression through pure unadulterated escapism (research/videogames/music/art/anime/film etc).

I’ll give some backstory. 

I am attractive, but have chosen the single life (with no regrets) now for 8 years; going on 9. My mother had mentioned to me: “Hey, Allis, when are you going to have kids?” I promptly replied: “Never; I don’t want them.” She then said: “Who’s going to take care of you when you get old?” My answer? “I don’t want to be old.”

That’s the closest I’ve come to confessing my tendencies to her again. My family firmly believes that I should be spry and happy with the opportunities they have given me. I am grateful, but I’m not confrontational, and would rather not deal with their aggressive attitude toward something like depression. Anyway...
That’s when it hit me, and triggered a very long and terrible bout of severe depression- I’ve had this episode last the past 3-4 weeks. Now thinking back at how very desperately I’ve clawed my way out of episodes like this over the years... even in university: my own philosophy on life has developed over a prolonged period of time- years. My dysthymia that I got diagnosed in 2013 (I’ve had depressive tendencies since I was 14, so it could have started earlier) has shaped the way I look at everything. However, I am too stubborn to let go of it. I firmly believe in it. 

I do not want to get too old. Period. I can’t tell whether or not I’m truly “happy”, as I don’t think I’ve felt a normal form of happiness since 2013 at least. I feel zen in knowing that I can find my end by my own hand at any time. I do think it won’t be too long from now, as 30 is always the number I have had planned. I’ve come here an done what I needed to do, and have seen what I have come to see. I’m not calling for help; I’m not the type that would throw out a warning before hand. I’m not afraid of it. 

I wrote this to see if there are any others who are just as apathetic toward living as I am... maybe you’re living a parody of life- mocking it all the time under your breath like I am? Finding fulfillment in work, maintaining a normal sleep schedule, having children, marrying? I do not have/want these things. Perhaps I should just wait until my parents are gone to do it?

In the back of my head, at every moment, I know that I’ve pushed so hard to make it where I am. I even got through the nightmare of university with full fledged multiple month long bouts of severe depression on top of my chronic mild form... without medication. I suppose I don’t advise being as stubborn as I am; if you have meds, take them.

Don’t let yourself be like me. I’m not afraid of it; I find zen in having my destiny in my hands. It’s just a matter of finding the right time to do it.

Anyone feel similar?
Ask away if you please.`
self-harm