classify text [harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn], text `I’m addicted to sadness and I want it to end. | 8months &amp; 6daysWhere do I begin? 

I guess with limited info: I’m bipolar depressive and I haven’t been taking my medication as often as I should. It doesn’t work like it used to. I know I should talk with a therapist or pharmacist, but with all the chaos in hospitals right now, I find excuses not to. 

I’m in the down-slump again. The mania is so freeing, but only lasts a while. The lows are horrid, so I often avoid the medication and indulge in my escapes to not be reminded of it (porn and sometimes weed). 

I know they bring up my tolerance and make the meds less effective, I know I should at least schedule an appointment and try to work out the craze between my ears. I swear I sometimes hear voices that are not there, I know there not there. I’m losing my-self; yet I’m afraid to tell my mom so she doesn’t have to worry. There’s already enough going on as it is, I would feel like a terrible person to add on to it. 

Which is why I have a date settled, January 4th 2021 at 11pm-12am. Loosely settled, cause my emotions ebbs and flows. That day is my birthday, and I’ll be 24. 

I’m losing hope. It always feels promising when I do have it, and always crushing when its absent. I’m tired of the cycle. I’m tired of myself, and I’m tired of letting my family down. My friends down, my self down. 

I’ve reminisced about my life so far and have noted some positives (going to Australia, having fun at concerts, seeing the movies I wanted to see, traveling 1/8th of the world) but I know it fails in comparasion. I mean, it always does, the-whole-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side deal.  

What do I have to live for? My parents are aging, I don’t like the career path I’m on because I found a way to cheat thru school. I’m unemployed and worthless most days. I try and ride the high mania brings, but it gets shot down prematurely. I never had a lover, or lost my virginity. 

I can’t stop. Sadness is the only emotion to have a profound effect on me. Happiness is fleeting, determination needs to be worked on and I’m not giving myself the chance. I know when I did (and I have tried) I wouldn’t be able to remember the chances and methods to try a different way. If only everything was easier said than done, I might have a chance to live and hopefully thrive with this condition engrained in my DNA. 

So, I’m giving myself one last attempt at life. To see where it goes. Jan 4, 2021 is the dead line. Once I graduate, maybe if I find a job and really learn how to live with myself in a positive way, will I postpone the deadline. 

I just want to stop the nagging feeling of, “I want to die. I want to die. I don’t want to live anymore and suffer.” 

I appreciate you reading this far. It means a lot to get this off my chest as temporary comfort. 
Please stop me. I want some intervention because a part of me wants to live and see my best self. But that part is getting slowly ignited and engulfed. Will I have the willpower to turn my life around and see the garden of Eden? Or will I wallow in my pity, long enough to build the strength to carryout the deadline? I hope it’s the first but my words mean nothing. Its the action that determines my fate.`, return in JSON {'label'}
{"label": "self-harm"}