kelaskan teks [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], teks `I hope it's ok for me to post here. I'm not actively at risk, but passively considering suicide.I should be happy. I just moved from Texas to Oregon, I live in an awesome house with my cat and three chickens, I'm 2000 miles away from my abuser, and I don't understand why this isn't enough. 

I'm not getting better. my BMI is down near the danger zone- currently 18.6 and still doesn't feel good enough. I've lost 47 pounds this year. my therapist knows my vitals are bad (I have the blood pressure of dirt) but I've been weighting my boots when I go see her so I don't get hospitalized because I can't afford it. even though I've told her how I'm feeling, she thinks I'm fine enough to see once a month instead of every two weeks when I know I'm not ok. 

I kind of want to just stop drinking water and see how long I last. or maybe take a nice scenic bike ride to downtown Portland and jump off of one of the (many) bridges there. I don't know if I can do this any more and I feel so shitty ABOUT feeling shitty because my situation is so great but somehow I just can't be happy. 

I don't know this turned into a rambly sort of thing, duck it, I don't care. I want to die and I've been thinking about it a lot and if I tried to talk to anyone in person about it they either wouldn't take me seriously at all or would take me too seriously and I'll end up in an institution that will put me into a massive debt hole. `
mencederakan diri sendiri