teks `i am a good scientist but a shit human being. i can't take this anymore.I can't seem to get anyone to think I am important or valuable enough to stick around. I really fucking hate this. I ask myself every morning, but particularly on days like this. why was i born? I didn't ask for this.

I'm in the early half of my 20's and I am, in spite of all of my problems, a highly successful individual. I already work in my dream job of being a researcher and I am pursuing a PhD. However, despite all this success I am a garbage human being who nobody loves. Sure I am a good scientist but why does it matter if nobody wants me? If i am only good for what i produce why do I have to be alive?



I am at my last straw. I was violently abused for my entire childhood and I have PTSD and severe abandonment issues because no one ever loved me. I developed chronic illness and pain at 19 and for years now have never had a day in good health or no pain since. I've been depressed since I was like 10 or so...



 Until I was about 14 or so my only friends were online. I managed to escape my abusive household and moved 3000 miles away only to end up in an abusive relationship for the first half of my undergrad. he was emotionally abusive and then it turned physical. he hit me, he raped me constantly, i hated it. 



i managed to get away from him. i made friends. life seemed good for a while and then I tried to start dating again. well, over these last (now exceeding) 2 years I have been horrendously unsuccessful. every time I spend a few weeks~months seeing someone I think they actually like me and then when i breach the subject they dont want to be with me. at first it didnt bother me so much but after it being a pattern for 2 yrs now. it makes me want to die



during this time i've also developed a very successful career as a scientific researcher. this is my dream. i work directly on issues that make people's lives better and i have been thanked by the communities i work with. this is the only good thing in my life. work is funding my phd. it is the only time i am happy. everything else is shit.



all my friends moved away this last few months to pursue their lives while i stay in the same city we all went to school in. i also significantly reduced my friend group this past summer because a friend of a friend decided it would be cool to rape me involving the use of a weapon. i didnt want to be friends with him anymore because his predatory friend hurt me. so anyone i didn't trust enough got axed.



so fast forward to a few months ago, i met someone online who i immediately really clicked with. i think it's been a little more than two months? we hung out a lot and cuddled and stuff and i felt very emotionally close to this person. i finally found someone i enjoyed being around because of the person they are, instead of just trying to fill a void.


 i thought things were finally going well in this sphere. last night we ended up having a conversation about how we felt and he said he didnt know what he was looking for and had an aversion to something more serious right now. i respect that but i also can't help but feel despair. the person who i thought really cared doesn't.


also, i have ASD. it makes it so hard for me to socialize and be normal. but yeah, surprise, people with autism do have emotions and feel very intensely. i was so excited i thought i found someone who cared about me and didn't care about my weird ass flaws. i was wrong



i really hate being alive. it hurts. i am going to go to a lawyer this week to set up a last will and testament to ensure my remaining funds go to my little brother to help him with college since i know my fucking parents won't help him. i am so sorry to everyone. i can't do it anymore. i give up. i can't deal with a world where i don't feel like i belong every. fucking. day.



it doesn't matter how successful you are if you can't find someone to share that happiness with. i am done. i already have a plan. i haven't made a plan like this in years because i thought i was stronger than this. but i am not.


if somehow anyone reading this knows who this is by virtue of details then im sorry. i love you. but i cant. anymore. im so sorry i am weak. life hurts too bad. i was dealt shitty cards but i don't want to play them anymore. i want to set my hand down and i want to feel like i feel when i'm asleep because it's the only fucking time i don't feel this agonizing pain of both my body fucking destroying me and society rejecting me outright.
 


i wish someone would fucking kill me so i didn't have to do it. i really do. but i know what i need to do to make it happen. i will tie up loose ends and ensure my legal ducks are in a row, but i am going to be dead by the end of the year. i quit. i fucking quit.`, kelaskan texts {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn} dan pulangkan dalam bentuk JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}