teks: This wasn't the first time, but it was the closest and calmest.Last night I sat in the hallway, back against the linen press door.  Above me, attached to a chinup bar, dangled a belt \- primed with a loop.

This wasn't the first time, but it was the closest and calmest.

It's not that I have nothing to live for.  I am conscious, just like you, with everything to experience, but it's just not enough to keep me interested.  I need something more.

9 years ago, at age 29, I developed psychosis, schizophrenia and lost my white collar, 6 figure job.  I've been unable to work since.

I saw behind the veil that is the reality we see as the norm.  I was time and space, the yin and yang.  I was the alpha and the omega.  It was fantastic and magical being connected to everything in existence.  Also, I was very lonely knowing this.

I was alienated from my circles of friends, and became a hermit, however I'm sane now and have been for years.

Around 2012, I started to feel myself regular old self again, but I've seen behind the curtain that makes up existence.  The best analogy I can give, is that of finding out Santa Claus isn't real, and then spending the rest of your life trying to re\-believe in him.  It won't happen.  For me, that Santa Claus is reality.  I've tried writing music, software, exercise, diet, psych meds and friends.  There is some short term benefit, but it's not enough.  Life is too fucking long.

By my count, I've made around 7 attempts on my life since 2009.  Tourniquet, rope, oxycodone, pocket knife, alcohol.  Some more than once.  They all hurt, or hurt afterwards \(like waking up in vomit with a hangover from too much oxy\).  Pain and discomfort are the last things you want to experience for your exit.

If there was a button in front of me to make this stop, I'd press it in an instant.  I really don't want help.  I want a solution.

I hope I get it right next time, and see you all in the singularity.
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