classify text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}

teks: I’m struggling to hold it together yet againI posted here a few months back and things thankfully improved somewhat. But I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps back once again. 

I was so amped up for the holidays. I hadn’t celebrated Christmas since 2018 and was excited. Christmas Eve I had so much fun with my mom and my boyfriend. Christmas morning was alright. 

But after opening the gifts with my boyfriend, my head just went south. I went to lay down and didn’t get up for hours. It’s like all my energy and what Christmas spirit I had just plummeted. I thought it would be a happy turning point for 2020 but it’s like my head just decided, “no. Be sad. You know this isn’t what you wanted. You know it’s just another day. You know nothing matters anyway.” 

The day after I held it together reasonably well to spend the day after Christmas with my boyfriend and his family, but I felt miserable and sad inside. I don’t know them very well and the entire time I was a quiet, anxious mess. Truthfully, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t feel ready to meet my boyfriends sister and her fiancé. I felt like staying home and crying but I didn’t. We had fun playing a card game. But then that night I was back home and felt just overwhelmingly sad again. I refused sex because I clearly can’t be in the mood when depressed as hell. On Sunday after I worked my morning shift for a cal center from home and my boyfriend went home, I spent all night crying. 

My birthday is Saturday and I feel directionless. I’ll be 26 and feel like I’ve accomplished so little. I feel like I can’t get away because of my personal responsibilities to my pets but wish I could just be alone for a few days. But at the same time I truly believe if I were alone for too long lately, I’d finally commit. Most days lately I feel like the only things keeping me tethered here are the fact my mom would be devastated and my boyfriend of almost 1 year would be sad for a while. I feel like my head is constantly under water and I can never make any momentum in life without being thrown 10 steps backward. I wish I could be on antidepressants again but I’ll be losing my insurance on my birthday as that’s the cutoff for being on my moms, who was generous enough to put me back on it when I lost my job due to Covid in March. 

I simply don’t know what to do anymore and wish I could just end it all. I know of/when Covid is gone my life will never be the same. I cant handle how socially isolated I am lately and continue going back and forth between missing my friends amd people terribly and wishing I could surround myself with people again to just wanting to be alone. Craving being alone. Wishing more than anything that I could self-isolate and give up my responsibilities and not have to speak to anyone. 

If you read this far thank you for caring. It means so much to me as I feel like I have no one I can talk to about this., return JSON {'kelas'}
{"kelas": "self-harm"}