classify text {harassment, self-harm, religion insult, sexist, hate, racist, safe for work, psychiatric or mental illness, porn}, text `I don't know what to do anymore. Being transgender sucksI created this account just to post this. I seriously hate my life and i don't know what to do anymore. Ever since I was a kid I was always the one out of place and getting picked on. It just go worse and worse. It got to the point that I would eat lunch in the bathroom since I didn't have friends. But despite being a loner and getting bullied in high school I tried and tried to fit in. Because I felt like had something to prove to my dad. I wanted to make him proud. So I couldn't accept that I was that pathetic. But things only got worse and worse for me because I didn't want to accept that I was transgender and attracted to guys. I just couldn't. Even after being a loser I still didn't want to add that to the list of reasons people wouldn't like me. But I tried and tried and tried to be outgoing and to seem happy. Showing that I was sad was never something I allowed myself to do. But I was miserable. 

My last year of high school I started doing drugs and hanging out with other that did drugs as well. And after high school I kept doing different kinds and they made me feel good but they didn't make me normal. It got to the point were I accepted that I was transgender and had to do something about it. I stopped doing drugs and started becoming more and more social and lost weight and everything seemed like it might be okay. But my parents are extremely trans and homo phobic. All the progress I made went down the drain after they found out. Then I moved halfway across the country to find myself. Made. Lot of friends and went out in drag and stuff like that. But I just got lonely when I was in my apartment since I didn't have any family there. and after the stuff that they would say when they'd call I ended up doing drugs again. Mostly just an alcohol problem but I always mix it with something else hoping it'll cause an overdose. My dads health isn't the greatest so I ended moving back with them to try to fix things with them. I got clean and moved back. But the minute he saw me he made me feel like shit again. Because I had long-ish bleached hair and he was ashamed off how I looked. So there I go again trying to look masculine. But it's just not me. I finally went to get prescribed hormones from a clinic and knew that it's something I had to do. Everything got better. Until last September. But constantly having to act masculine was killing me inside, so I went back to the bottle. I was getting drunk every night before going to bed and then started taking all sorts of drugs to numb all of my feelings. This guy I worked for gave us free cocaine at work, so I ended up doing a line every 10-15 minutes for about 20 hours. I just kept going and going hoping my heart would give up on me. Sadly it didn't. I kept taking pills with my liquor and I was high almost ever day. Then in November after getting black out drunk and a Suicidal ideation I ended up in the ER. After that I stopped drinking again because I don't want to end up in a psych ward every time I get drunk. But even tho I've been sober for 2 months, nothing's gotten better. My dad keeps telling me how I'm killing him by acting how I act, and how no one will ever accept me and that it's wrong. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I love my parents and siblings so much and the last thing I want is to start a life somewhere far away from them and lose contact. My family means that much to me. And their acceptance would mean the world. All I've been thinking about is killing myself. I have those thoughts almost every minute of everyday. Even on a good day I still want to end it. I don't want to be how I am, I don't want to lose my family over being myself. But not being myself is killing me. I do t want to be a weird man in a dress I don't want to be seeing a man at all. I feel like if I had been born a girl none of this would've mattered. Like if all of these obstacles are stupid and unnecessary. Normal people don't have to go through this shit. But since I can't change that, I just want to end it. I'm afraid of committing suicide, mainly because of the psych wards and how you're seen if you survive. Like if I was to die off of an overdose no one would think I tried to kill myself. Getting drunk and staying sober have both failed at making want to live. I'm really trying to stay sober but it feels pointless. I hope this isn't irrational. Sorry for making it too long`
self-harm