kelaskan teks [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], teks `I have a plan, but a small part of me is really trying to find something in life to hold ontoIt's been about a month since my recent breakup. I'm not saying it is the cause of depression, but it definitely acts as a trigger to it. 

Before I begin *that* story, I will share some details about myself. I'm a decent person. I'm logical, smart, fairly successful, not really unattractive. I'm ambitious, passionate, and do consider myself to be an intelligent individual. I work corporate, and I'm good at my job. People enjoy being around me. I'm often regarded as funny, caring, and a good person. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've really thought this through all the way and from many different perspectives, and it still seems to be the most practical solution. As well, I've heard it all before - people trying to suggest don't depend on other sources for validation and happiness. Unfortunately, we can't really decide what makes us happy; otherwise, no one would ever be sad.

Back to *that* story. What I suffer is loneliness, and this history with depression has been going on for the last decade of my life (turning 25 soon). I grew up going through very unique experiences that make it very difficult for people to relate to me. As a result, it's difficult for me to find people similar to me that I can relate to and entrust. I did find acceptance and validation through my recent relationship, but due to my own flaws, the void is back. To make matters worse, everyone does regard me as the 'bad guy' in this situation, and my ex is already seeing someone else.

While I am completely willing to face the consequences of my actions, the feeling itself is not bearable. There's a physical pain with it - my heart/chest tightens. The longer I go without a sense of validation, it gets worse and worse. I even set a metric scale for myself (1-10) for constant maintenance- 10 being the best day of my life to 1, not worth living.

    1. Not worth living
    2. Holding onto my life
    3. Panicking
    4. Trouble 
    5. Not managing 
    6. Managing
    7. Decent, fair 
    8. Pretty good 
    9. Fantastic
    10. Best day ever

There's been a few times where I've reached (2). During those times I make proactive decisions in preparation for (1). The other day I bought some rope from Lowe's, made a noose, and tested it out against the stability of my closed closet door. It works.

I've also started a journal (iPhone Notes) to track my moods and thoughts. It contains my plan, research, my letter, some instructions for my best friend, and other various aspects of my life regarding depression. It's something I wish to lead behind to help others understand the events and mindset leading up to my tragedy (if it were to happen).

Some other major events regarding this topic

* I've had a close friend call the Crisis Hotline on me. They're essentially a team of therapists or workers that reach out to make sure you're okay.
* My best friend called my younger brother (6 years apart and currently starting college). Of everyone I know he seems to understand me the most which make sense considering we grew up and went through very similar experiences.
* My ex is somewhat involved in the discussions. I didn't plan for her to know but now she does. Neither her nor my best friend has much experience with depression so it's difficult for them to comprehend and assist. A lot of times, they try to solve my problem through various lectures or suggestions that don't equate to much practicality. Truthfully, I know what makes me happy and how to solve it - they just don't have the right roles in my life to make that difference.

I guess the next topic to discuss is what makes me happy. Ideally, I want to find someone I can personally connect to and entrust. I do have a lot of friends in my life but I don't really share enough similarities with them to have that connection. We're all different in terms of culture, ideals, values, and each walking various different paths and lifestyles. While I am grateful for them, it's difficult for me not to feel alienated or different when I spend time with them.

To be honest, I don't really know the purpose of writing this post. I guess I just wanted to share, or maybe I'm indirectly asking for help. Feel free to ask questions.`
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