classify text [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], text `Almost decided to kill myself todayI dont really know what to say, i've never been the type that expresses feeling, i always thought that its cringy and shit (all my life i've been and still am in one of those tough group). 
I've been suicidal since december last year. Dont really know why it started but it just did. Well i wasnt really suicidal but more just depressed/really sad. I think that the fact that the holidays are over and that school is starting again got to me more than it should.
But now for the last month i've been really suicidal and thinking of it, cant really get a gun where i live so pills would be the best, but i would have to wait and then my family would rush me to hospital and shit....just no i dont think that i could do it. Its not that i dont have a good family or friends, i just dont want to live and deal with shit that i dont want to. I never hang out with friends, the thing is that since i went into a different school (where i live you go to a different school when you finish elementary and not a lot of people go to the same one) i lost contact with all my old friends and new ones still gave old ones that i dont know or they just live far away. I dont have a girlfriend, but i do like one, she is from my old school, now we go to the same one just different class, but the thing is we never really talked and now we dont either. But maybe i could start a conversation when she has birtday in 4 months or something, i just dont know what i woupd say. The talk was that she was into me some time ago (5 years, maybe her first love) so she couldnt just forget about be, right? But i dont think that it would work out, my "gang" wouldnt approve her, well only the "boss" would probably have something to say agains, but the rest would just follow him like monkeys. It really bothers me that i sometimes do that too unconsciously. 
In four days i'll have to run 3km for a grade and this is gonna fuck me up. Im not a sports type, im not fat, to be fair i am but you wouldnt see it if you look at me, cuz im tall and kinda slim. I've been thinking that i need to change something about my diet and that i need to move more, but i just cant, cuz i lose motivation after one to two days. Maybe im gonna fast (only water no food for a week) to lose some fat and then im gonna start working out, but i would also just lose motivaton. We had some competition two weeks ago and i was one of the wordt in class. I really need to change something. The main thing that bothers me is that i lose motivation for programming, i want to learn how to make game but i just dont start or if i start i quickly lose motivaton. 
So... drugs, i take them, only weed but still. I smoke 1-2 times per week, which is really expensive, but i always keep smoking cuz that makes me fell good. I just say to myself that i need to take it cuz its gonna cure my (probably imaginary) depression. Of course there is then the aspect of just hanging out with friend and smoking and then fucking around in classes (we always smoke at pause cuz its one hour long). In summer our school will have some kind of camp and one of my friends already ordered coke and some other heavier drugs for it, so i guess i'll get fucked, cuz i will take them, dont know why i just levitate towards drugs. 
Yesterday at night i really got me, i wanted to kill myself. If i had a gun i would kill myself right then without any letter or anything. But i didnt had one so i didnt do it. Today it got worse. In school we were talking about presentations about different themes that we have to make if we want or nobody wants one the teacher would assainged it to a random student (there were 8 of them and 3 of them nobody wanted). Note that you have to talk about the theme while other students laugh and make jokes (you know how the typical presentation works) , the difference is that you wouldnt talk about it for 10min, but for a full 45min and that im just not able to do, not in my class. And right there when she was deciding who is she gonn assign it to i decided that if i would be chosen i would kill myself, it would be just to much for me. I wasnt even sad i was just determened (finnaly for something even if its for suicide) that im going to kill myself. But i guess its not time yet, i wasnt chosen. And this wasnt some random thought, it was a sure thing that i've decided to do. 
I have a felling that im gonna make some big changes in 2019, but the fact that i almost killed myself today and that i have suicidal thoughs i might not make it. 
I know this hasnt really been some heavy stuff that other post (like loosing someone, or beeing homeless), i just needed someplace to write this. I havent read and checked my spelling cuz i just cant. `, return in JSON {'label'}
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}