kelaskan teks {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, bagi dalam bentuk JSON {'label'}, teks `Dug myself a nice little hole. Now I shall sit in it until my end.I will not start writing a personal biography here because frankly, the story of my life, while containing a few disturbing events or details is largely unexceptional.
I am from an immigrant family, well integrated, 30 years old.

When I was 23 I met a woman. She was my age and we hit it off very naturally. A year later and we live together. Another year and we are married. Neither of us wants kids and this relationship feels like it's the best thing that ever happened to either of us, and we are looking forward to our happily ever afters.

But one day, I am awoken from this sweet dream. She leaves me for reasons  that make zero sense in my mind (a type of "its not you, it's me logic). I dont think the details are relevant.
Just like that, in  one day, my life starts shattering.

Upon a quick examination of the situation I am left with dire conclusions:

1. I have no idea who I am outside of this relationship. This relationship was my means of... resting. Resting from living life which is... well, very taxing and tiresome.
The end of it was my own arrogance, the notion that I have secured the grandest prize and now  may... well... now I may do absolutely nothing, knowing all ii need in my life is already there. Until one day it's not.
A few weeks later and she wants the cats, too. Both of them. i concede for their happiness. They love their mum.

I refuse to spiral into darkness and depression and initiate a plan. Going out every day, meeting new people, catching up with old friends. For a while, it works. I am totally distracted.
Within 2 months a new relationship forms, but not out of love or connection but purely out of a desire to not be alone. it's a cop-out. A ruse against myself. We a a terrible match and the whole thing feels forced and unfitting.

Non of it works. Skipping the grief doesnt work. It just catches up to you later, when you are less prepared.
I begin loathing being alone. The toughest part of my day is the drive to and from work. That 40 minutes where im just stuck with myself and cant help but to think:

1. I am a failure. I should just do the world a favor and stop breathing. At least i will have contributed to curbing global warming.

2. I do not have it in me to go through the motions again. Getting to know someone, letting her in, getting closer, only for all those things to happen again. only to experience this heartbreak again.

3. Yes, I feel ridiculous,  being 30 years old and only having discovered love is like Santa clause.

4. Why have I let myself believe that its forever? How could I be so naive? How could I think in such sticky terms like "love prevails"?
Clearly it only prevails if both people do not prioritize anything higher than "love".  Which sadly, they do.

Conclusion:
Im not sure I want to live on this planet any more, if these notions are false. If nothing at all if forever, even love, than whats the bloody point?
A collection of transient moments that out feeble and fickle memory is supposed to somehow hold on to until the end of our time?
Why should I bother with all of this, if there is no grand reward at the end? no great prize? No satisfaction? No relaxation?

I feel like life is an RPG PC game where you can only roll your character once, and i have seemingly put all the points in the dumbest places possible - The altruistic ones. the ones  that leave you with nothing when you are left alone on this planet.

I dont want to do this any more. Im too weak, on my own, to handle this thing yall call "life". And  I am too weak, clearly, to secure a tenable situation that i can ... "live with".

I have clearly failed. I see no prospects. No horizon. No potential.
It seems the traits I prided myself with for all these years are today, a laughing stock.

I'd rather die than become  an asshole like the majority of our species.


....please help.
`
{"label": "mencederakan diri sendiri"}