classify text [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], text `What if I'm really just useless?I've never posted here before, but this is eating me alive the past few days and I can't get it out of my system. Can't remember how to make a throwaway on desktop so fuck it.

I feel like I'm just... not a functioning human. Not in the sense of having some disability or something that's outside my control, I'm just fundamentally not good at this shit.

I'm 30 and still living at home in a house full of fucked up relationships and fighting. I've never been able to hold down a job for more than a couple of years without getting emotionally overwhelmed and quitting, with long stretches of sedentary basement-dwelling in between. I completed a useless degree but only barely and by the time I finished, my confidence and my dreams of taking my education further had taken a shot to the knee. I have just quit my third job ever because I was having suicidal urges at work, and am trying to muster up the energy to finish my two weeks' notice, which is necessary to pay for some dental work I desperately need. I'm already late going in as I type this post.

In some ways, things seemed to be getting better. We're mostly financially stable, so I don't have to worry about consequences like ending up on the street, at least not right now. I'm trying various antidepressants, I'm in therapy, I got my first boyfriend through online dating, etc.. But getting so overwhelmed that I had to quit this job (the best one I've ever managed to land, working in electronics at a big-box store) has me questioning whether I'll ever be able to just... support myself and exist without leeching off my mother, like a normal human. She's given up everything for us and we've been ungrateful, worthless, irritating burdens at every turn. I'm scared of my boyfriend realizing how messed up I really am, I'm scared of my mom dying and leaving us all fighting to stay afloat, and I'm scared of living the next 50 or so years with nothing but drudgery and grinding away at a retail job to look forward to. I want to try to establish a writing career so I never have to go back to the hell that is retail again, but if I don't make it, I don't know how to face the rest of my life. I really hate myself and feel like my family would be so much better off without me. Is it selfish to want to die if you had nothing to give anyway? Is it possible to just. Not be fit to survive in society the way it's set up, and have no way out?`
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