kelaskan teks [gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis], teks `I want to live but I feel like I lost.After a two year court battle I was able to gain 50/50 cust. Ex ended up wanting CS which will now cost me 250 a month... At first I was happy ex didnt get the 460/mo and I was so relieved that court has ended... 48 hours later I'm having these horrible thoughts that I cannot live with, these thoughts are making me stress like crazy, financial loss... I rather be dead then deal with not having a financially balanced life..... I rather my ex deal with the guilt of my end. 

The CS is way out of my budget and only will live me with little of 50-100 for myself and my son for a month... I'd posted in reddit personal finances and I loved the ideas on there but I feel stuck...its not an instant resolution...but did allow small pockets of relief but its faded as time went by and the thinking kicked back up..

I reached out to reddit legal advice to see if I can do anything to modify CS ...but I dont want to go back to court...its too stressful  and anxiety filled.... Lawyer said they based on gross yearly income so thats why it based of the amount they did. 

The only thing thats keeping me strong is my son...but I feel I no longer have the money for us to do fun things together like we used to....

Its only been 48 hours since the ruling and I 've had such a hard time staying happy for long because I think about how much I owe all together a month now....I rather just be sleeping in and at work I've been irritated by everyone...

I want to reach out to a counselor but financial stress scares me of paying them and owing them....

I want to reach out via phone support or in person support thats free but I feel they can track and report me if I say i am suicidal.... and then I'll lose my son...and I would have gained nothing... and end up in mental house where my ex will gain another upper hand for full custody....

The only thing I can think of is an end....the thought of how I'll do it has been running on my mind constantly lately I hate it... I thought the end of court would be a relief and it was short lived... the financial stress still haunts me.... I hate child support and I hate debt and I hate the court and I hate my life when I shouldn't... I wish I had more money :\ 

I dont have friends to talk to and id like to know if there is anyway to talk to someone or talk to groups annoymous... I'm not planning suicide but idea sounds peaceful.. i want the thoughts to stop...and I needed to vent this...

Sorry for burdening 

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