kelaskan teks {gangguan, kebencian, porno, penyakit psikiatri atau mental, sifat perkauman, penghinaan agama, selamat untuk bekerja, mencederakan diri sendiri, seksis}, bagi dalam bentuk JSON {'label'}, teks `after a lifetime of suicide related thinking things get worse every weekThis will be a bit of a read.

When i was 11 i would build little nooses to lean into, hoping that i would blackout and suffocate. This happened at least 5 times, mostly after arguments with my parents. I never went through with it (obviosly) but I have been contemplating suicide with various degrees of seriousness ever since. 

It started to get real when I fell in Love (was 17 y o at that point). Never before had i felt such an immense and ever present feeling. 
I started running, lost weight and thats when the mood swings started. One day I would be confident and happy, on others I felt like just jumping off of every bridge I crossed. After half a year i had to ask my crush (which is not a strong enough word but fuck it) about her feelings towards me because living on like this seemed impossible.
I got rejected (i mean, i called her on the phone, stuttering some incoherent sentences, so what did i expect).

After that i would spend my nights walking or biking around the city, thinking of how to kill myself, how to explain everything in a letter to my parents and stuff like that. I made up little stories about people that kill themselves (like about that guy that goes to the communal swimming pool every day to practice backflips and the on day suddenly stops coming, etc).

I could not bring myself to actively end my life (bc of my little brother and my grandparents), so i rode my bycicle over roads with closed eyes, hoping to get hit by  a car (its amazing that i didnt cause any traffic accidents btw). 

I have been smoking weed and drinking alcohol since a very young age (very lax alcohol laws in my country). I once spend a week drinking a bottle of wine per day (still age 17) crying myself to sleep every night.
I finally understood, that my family has a history of depression and addiction and from now on you can include my parents in the reasons that i still did not end my life (bc at least my mother is or was as sad as i am)

After i finished school, this got worse. I would binge on alcohol, cry and play with the thought of killing myself. 
I started to smoke weed regularily which cancelled out all negative feelings. After half a year of smoking hasch, I quit, because i noticed that I lost my creativity and personality and after quitting, the suicide thoughts came back (the creativity did not).

the urge to end it all is still coming and going, but it starts to come and go faster and more intense.
I can go from being „pretty ok with myself“ to feeling nothing (or kind of like an empty shell or something like that) to „having to restrain myself from stabbing myself in the throat“ all in one fucking day.


I had a couple of breakdowns in the last months.
Once I got asked what a perfect day would be for me and I just burst into tears.
My mother is living in constant fear that i might kill myself and I keep lying to her that I am 100% sure that i wont.
I spend a month going to bed every night, imagining shooting myself in the head with a heavy revolver.
A few days ago, while painting a room with a friend I could only think about jumping out of the open window (deleuze style).
A few hours ago I wanted to slash my arms and fix myself a warm bath.

I am scared of actively trying to get happy. If i tried and was still miserable i would feel like I have to kill myself.
But at the same time I am getting more and more miserable at the place that I occupy right now.
I just dont know what to do.
therapy is an option but has not helped me before.

tl;dnr: after a lifetime of suicide related thoughts I feel trapped between having to commit to either life or death and staying in the same place (which could also make me kill myself)

i just wanted to share this with someone.
My mother would put me on suicide watch and have 3 nervous breakdowns and I dont want to scare the few friends that i have not driven away yet.

thanks for reading`
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