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teks: I always looked to my future self in hopes that he would one day kill himself. Now I'm 17 and have no idea what to do.I've never been diagnosed with actual depression unlike a lot of the people on here, and I don't think my issue is as big as a lot of people's on here. I cannot however, remember a time when I felt happy or even content for more than a few hours at a time, I've felt severely sad (if not depressed) ever since I was 12. I always thought I'd one day kill myself and because of that mindset my grades in school have gradually plummeted, I've not lead a successful social life, and I generally have not been productive at all these past 5 years.


I genuinely thought I'd have been dead by now, but I always left that hard part (suicide) to my future self. Now 5 years have gone by and nothing has changed, I've not moved forward in life, and I still don't have the courage to actually kill myself, I  fantasize about killing myself almost everyday, but I don't think that I'll ever end up actually following through.


I didn't think about the future, I didn't think I'd make it this far, but it's clear that I'll have to live into adulthood. I'm 17 and unprepared, I don't know what to do and I'm scared of my future now, any advice would be appreciated.
self-harm