This week has sucked. Today, I feel like death. Actual death. Everything hurts from my head to my toes. My intestines feel like a giant moving warm that is on fire. I’ve been exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I can’t conentrate at all (which isn’t helping considering I had two quizzes today… yeah, didn’t study for those!). Not that this is anything new- WOOHOO LYME DISEASE! efff that.
To add to the normal stress of life/school/Lyme, I’m starting to think about post graduation, which is in one year. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?!
I THOUGHT I wanted to go to physical therapy school. But I don’t actually know if that is ultimately what I want to do. I thought I wanted to take a year off before going to grad school, but I have NO idea what I would do with that year (I don’t want a lame job). And if I am going to go to grad school, I need to apply this summer (that is if I’m not taking the year off).
There are a million things I’d rather do then go to grad school. I know what I want to be able to do with my life, it just doesn’t line up with what is actually plausible to do with my life. All of them require me to have money to start them, thus grad school get a bomb job and make money then do that. But the grad school thing is what is killing me here.
I’m scared of the future because I’m scared of working and having Lyme. No one will hire you if you say “oh I’m great candidate and can do all of this but I have this disease where I may not be able to come into work every couple days or be out for a week.” How the hell am I supposed to work full time with this?! How the hell am I supposed to support myself if I can’t work full time or if I’m sick?! How am I even supposed to do life in general with Lyme?! I haven’t even figured that last part out yet… how can I take on a full time job? At least with school I can ditch classes when I need to and make up the work later or get notes from friends.
YOU CAN’T DO THAT WITH A JOB!
There is always so much I want to do but I’m scared to do it because I don’t know how I’m gonna feel. I hate planning anything because I hate having to be the one who bails. Nobody, except maybe 2-3 of my best friends understand this concept and are totally cool if I need to bail on plans. They get it. I love them. To death. I know I’ve written about this before.
I haven’t taken my antibiotics today. Or yesterday. And I don’t plan on taking them tonight. I get mad at them. I’m tired of taking them.
I get tired of cooking for myself. I love it but it’s exhausting. I lived off rice and sunflower seed butter, and larabars, and some other junk this week. My appetite was…. off. Nothing sounded good yet I was hungry. Then I wasn’t hungry but I kept eating. I had no energy to cook nor did anything I had to cook sound appealing. All I wanted was pizza and tostitos chips and quesidilla’s (sp?). Salttttt! All I want is salty salty salty and some chocolate on the side. So if any of you would like to come make me some food and do my homework that would be much appreciated.