In this counseling answer:
• Your father’s feelings may be buried under the stress he has faced in life, or he is simply not a man of emotion.
• Replace his anger with your respect, love, and thankfulness for him. Everything that you have written about him in your question, how he saved money for your extracurricular activities, etc., let him know what you are aware of it all.
• Discuss with your mother your will to marry and your desire to get your father on your side.
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
I am truly saddened by the condition of a relationship between you and your father. It truly hurts me to see all the emotional pain that you are suffering.
What I can deduct from your question, your father and mother seem to be lacking the most important ingredient of happiness: effective communication. This is often the problem in many families these days where the parents do not want to communicate with their children exactly what it is that they are expecting from them. Instead, they choose to direct their children using anger, strict guidelines and abuse. This, unfortunately, renders the children unhappy and they seek other means to be happy, often indulging in what is Islamically prohibited, or go down the path to mental illness.
Approach your father.
You must realize that although as children we expect kindness, generosity and good behavior from our parents, they are not always up to our expectations. They are humans as well and as such are bound to make mistakes, to not see our feelings, and to misjudge us and consider themselves perfect.
Dear sister, in such circumstances, we must learn to not stress over too much as their behavior is not in our control. Only Allah SWT can change the hearts and minds of our parents for the better.
Dear sister, I know how hard it can be to do what I am asking you to do. However, trust me, if you do not approach your father and meet him, you will NEVER, EVER feel happy about anything in life.
From your question, I can easily deduce that you love and really care for your father although he may not reciprocate the same feelings right now. His feelings may be buried under the stress he has faced in life, or he is simply not a man of emotion. However, you are. You seek love, attention, and approval from your father. Dear sister, it is not enough to love your father and not show it.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: When a man loves his brother, he should tell him that he loves him. (Sunan Abi Dawud)
How else would a person know the feelings the other person has? You need to sincerely try to erase the distance that has formed between you and your father. This distance is the creation of Shaytan. Be honest with yourself. Although you say that you are better off without your father, then why would you write seeking advice on how to mend matters with your father? You are clearly not happy without him.
You may be insulted, yelled at, and ignored. However, if there is an elephant in the room, it will not ever be easy to get rid of it. You will need to apply quite a bit of effort, all the while ensuring that you are calm, patient, and happy with your decision to mend shattered relationships.
Approach conflict with calmness.
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One thing you must remember, under all circumstances, is to never express anger and contempt towards your parents.
Allah SWT tells us in the Quran,
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (17:23)
“Yes, if you remain patient and conscious of Allah and the enemy come upon you [attacking] in rage, your Lord will reinforce you with five thousand angels having marks [of distinction]” (3:125)
Please your father.
First off, try to approach him with a letter, explaining everything, even if the letter turns out to be three pages long (do not make it longer), explaining your thoughts and feelings. I sincerely pray that good may come from this. Sometimes we can explain our feelings in writing better than we can in words. Sometimes conversing intimidates us.
After, Please, visit home, even if your father hasn’t responded to your letter. If you see your father in anger, contempt or unhappiness, smile at him. Replace his anger with your respect, love, and thankfulness for him. Everything that you have written about him in your question, how he saved money for your extracurricular activities, etc., let him know what you are aware of it all. You are not like other children who tend to be ungrateful. Show that you appreciate and know of the struggles that he underwent to give you a happy and satisfied life.
The Prophet SAW said: “The Lord’s pleasure is in the parent’s pleasure, and the Lord’s anger is in the parent’s anger.”(Hasan). (Tirmidhi)
Also, “the best of the deeds or deed is the (observance of) prayer at its proper time and kindness to the parents.” (Sahih Muslim)
In addition, try to surprise him by giving him presents. Do not send them to him. Give them personally. The distance between you and your father can only be replaced by your efforts. And I know that you sincerely want to be a happy daughter with your father.
Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet SAW, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Give gifts and you will love one another.” (Hasan) (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)
Seek Allah’s Pleasure
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
“And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (65: 2-3)
Do not underestimate the power of Istighfar.
Read Istaghfar daily. Allah SWT says in the Quran:
“Ask forgiveness of your Lord and then repent to Him. He will send [rain from] the sky upon you in showers and increase you in strength [added] to your strength.” [Quran 11:52]
“Ask forgiveness of your Lord. Indeed, He is ever a Perpetual Forgiver.” [Quran 71:10]
Therefore, dear sister, seek forgiveness from Allah SWT. It is possible that you have unintentionally hurt your father in one way or another. There is no means of knowing this as your father will never confess this. However, if you sincerely seek forgiveness, Allah SWT will place mercy in your heart for your father, and in your father’s heart for you. You need to ask for Allah’s guidance, and He SWT give strength for you to approach your father and mend the problems that have come in the way.
Dear sister, in life our only purpose is to please Allah. If you are certain that you want to please Allah, then sometimes we must do what we may not truly want to do.
Remember, if your dad is happy with you regardless of all these years of unhappiness, then you will be satisfied in life. However, if your father chooses to disregard your efforts and still be unhappy, then rest assured that Allah will accept your sincere efforts.
Set your priorities.
Dear sister, if you sincerely want to get married, then you must make the difficult choice of mending the relationship between you and your father.
Dear sister, life is a test for us all. We cannot always get everything we want right away.
Primarily, discuss with your mother your will to marry and your desire to get your father on your side. For this to happen, you need to approach him one on one. Go home and sit and talk with him and discuss the past and the present and the future like a wise woman.
I pray that Allah SWT fills your father’s heart with mercy and make you all a family again.
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