Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this paper so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a cliché. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.
How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?
How can you not feel anything?
How can you not care?
My friends and our mutual class mates ask me why we aren’t seeing each other, why we haven’t become a “we” – just you and me. Every time I lie and tell them there’s nothing, tell them they see something that doesn’t exist. But every time I do that, a small part of my heart burns away with an ache so deep I don’t know how to get by. You started out trying to be my friend and we were pretty good at it, those were our glory days. It’s sad, because I truly believe that we could be something more. I’m just not sure you see it, because you don’t seem to care or even give it the slightest thought. Even though your best friend came to me and told me that he had asked you why you didn’t just walk up to me and made us an “us” - just you and me. You’re not bothered by the fact that everyone around us gives us looks, you can’t even talk with me about it. I can’t talk to you about it. I’m too scared, I’m so very frightened that it would make you disappear completely out of my life. I don’t want that. I’d rather be your friend and have you around, hear your voice, see you act up. But every time I find out that you’ve been texting with someone else or if some other girl comes up to you and you’re joking and laughing, this black, huge monster wakes up inside me. I can’t bare it, I can’t handle it. I wish so bad that you could see what everyone else is seeing, be a man about it and confront me, grow up. I’m afraid my heart will shatter if this monster has to wake up too often, I’m also afraid my heart will shatter if you don’t talk to me at all. But for now, it seems to me, that’s the best solution. I’ll stay out of your way, try to keep my distance and maybe my monster will go to rest. All I have to care about after that is to recover from not being with you at all. I’ll collect the pieces of my heart and try to glue it together again.
Although still praying, hoping, for a miracle. For me to be brave, or you to take in the obvious.
They say the last thing that leaves a human being is hope. For good and bad.