Young men are having less sex than ever and that’s just fine with me
I have somehow become my office’s resident “millennial single guy” dating expert.
Maybe it’s because the majority of my coworkers are in relationships, and some of my dating mishaps have become newsroom entertainment (is it rude it break it off with a girl and return to her apartment a few hours later to retrieve your electric toothbrush? Asking for a friend). Maybe its because I wrote an article last year that required me to sign up for and explore 19 different dating apps. Or maybe it’s because I was brazen enough to try to explain to my 40-something editor what it means to “slide into your DMs.”
So allow me to offer my thoughts on this new General Social Survey study, which says more American adults than ever are not having sex, and 23 percent of them are twentysomething men — like me.
First, a disclaimer. I’m not an expert on anything — social issues, sexual issues, anything — unless you count Marvel movies.
The study notes that men ages 20 to 29 are less likely to have “live-in partners,” and are thus by design less likely to have sex. That makes sense. Twentysomethings are also more likely to live with their parents and believe it or not, “let’s go back to my twin bed with my parents sleeping in the room next door” isn’t as sexually appealing as it sounds. You might as well be driving around in the family minivan — yes, I did this; no, it did not go well.
But my overwhelming takeaway from the study? Maybe all these dudes keeping it in their pants isn’t such a bad thing.
The study made me think of a time when my friend’s dad gave the old “well, as long as you’re getting laid, right?” comment when asking about my life. I nodded along and smiled, even though I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, rather than get into a deeper conversation about it. There’s something inherently embarrassing about admitting that you aren’t sexually active, and that shouldn’t be the case. If I have learned anything after spending the majority of my twenties as a single man, it’s that you can be very happy while being celibate, and you can be very unhappy while being consistently sexually active. There isn’t necessarily a correlation between the two, and it puts a stupid, irrational pressure on people to have sex.
Now, I don’t know precisely why more men my age aren’t having sex. But I hope it’s because we’re realizing that stupid adage about sex being like pizza — even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good — isn’t necessarily true. It can ruin relationships if not treated with respect, and it’s always better when you don’t put ridiculous pressure on yourself to do it.
We are living in what is almost certainly the most pro-body image era in American history, and the progress being made here is good thing. Removing the stigma around sex — and sex between all kinds of people — leads to healthier attitudes surrounding the act and realizing that the Hollywood version of sexual activity are often fairytales and not a social bible by which your every interaction should be dictated.
Sex is not the end-all-be-all, people. Society teaches men that sex equals success, that there is some sort of link between sexual prowess, masculinity and happiness. It sometimes feels like you have to be happy if you’re having sex, and if you aren’t, well why the hell aren’t you?
“You’re a young man! Go out there and bring some ladies (or guys) home,” friends say.
It’s maddeningly archaic. Be your own person. If you’re waiting for the right person or focusing on other aspects of your life, that’s FINE. And as the figures in this study show, maybe more guys my age are realizing this, because not having sex is not the end of the world.