Lately there has been a post circulating amongst the mom groups on Facebook.
The post makes parallels between what’s seen as a “cry it out” method and how that would look if you treated an adult that way. You can see the post here. The post itself and the comments by some who have shared it, call people who CIO:
- Bad parents
- and more..
There are many aspects of this that I could address. I’m going to focus on what is, to me, the most important point though:
You have no idea what moms who “cry it out” are going through.
Yes, we’ve all seen the articles that say high levels of stress on a child’s brain can have negative effects.
But the effects of losing ones job, having a perpetually stressed out parent that’s about to snap (and that’s when actual abuse becomes a risk) or a suicidal parent can be just as negative if not more so on a child’s life.
I was one of the ones who fell into the last category.
If you’ve read any of our other posts about sleep you’d know that we’ve had a rough time. We tried sleep training and it worked for a few weeks, but then a sleep regression hit and our house was thrown into chaos.
What you might not have known though, is that I struggled, and still do, with Postpartum Depression.
I had read the articles and I was determined to try to avoid the CIO method as long as possible. I thought that, if I was a good mom, I wouldn’t need to resort to the CIO method. If I just loved my son and was strong everything would be OK. I let myself get stretched so thin that I very nearly snapped.
We finally tried the CIO method because I no longer trusted myself with my son, and I needed a break or else I was going to need to check myself in somewhere.
The first night, I spent the first 10-15 minutes hating my son. I hated that he wouldn’t sleep like my friends babies, that he had pushed me to this point. I hated that he wouldn’t even give in to his obvious exhaustion.
And after that, I hated myself.
I hated myself for hating my son
Hated myself for failing as a mom
I hated myself for letting it get so bad that I got to this point
Hated myself for having to CIO
I thought that my son would be better off without me.
And I became suicidal.
I spent those nights going between anger and anguish, between tears and resisting the urge to rush in and hold my baby. But I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t sleep for hours and a short time later my stress levels would be back at maximum. Luckily, I had a supportive partner help me through this process, and help pull me up from those depths.
Cry it out did not work for us the first time, we tried it a few nights and were not successful. It did, however, give me the break that I needed and we made it through that difficult time.
The next time I started to get close again, I didn’t wait because of some silly notion that would make me a better mother, and this time he was finally ready. The first night, after 15 minutes, he was asleep.
Now, when he starts to show signs of being tired, I don’t have to spend hours trying to nurse him to sleep til I’m raw and hurting. I don’t have to placate his cranky mood as he rips apart my house while my patience and sanity frays down to nothing.
Now I lay him down and within a few minutes he is asleep.
We cry it out to save myself and my family.
Now, we have a happy household. A well rested baby and a well rested mommy.
Every time I see a new post about the cry it out method, it reminds me of that dark time in my life. Those doubts, those fears, that I might have damaged my child, come haunting back.
Then I remember how much I love my son. How very deeply and wonderfully he is loved by me, his dad, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, and I know that he is going to be just fine. He is going to blossom into a wonderful adult, regardless of whether we cried it out or not.
Being a mom is HARD and we don’t need to make it even harder on ourselves or others. We’re all just trying to get through these difficult years. You’re not alone.
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