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This Week's Question: "There's a guy at my gym who makes obscene grunting noises with every single move. What's the proper etiquette for informing him that he's making everyone else uncomfortable?" –Adelaide, Baltimore.
Well, Adelaide, we've got two warring factions in my Facebook village on this one. There's the pro-grunting community—which is, not surprisingly, very vocal. And then there are those, like yourself, who feel gyms should not sound like the set of a Vivid video shoot. (The latter group holds the slight majority, at 63 percent.)
But let's start with those who support the inalienable right to massive ejaculations—in the 19th-century sense, not the Vivid video sense.
Laura Stulman Cooper says, "As a former personal trainer and avid fitness club attendee, all I have to say is IT'S. A. GYM. Oh, and one more thing: If you're totally quiet when you're working out, you're not working out hard enough."
Allison Kheel agrees. "Proper gym etiquette is to ignore others while working out. People already feel self-conscious and insecure when they are at the gym. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if some stranger came up to you and told you that you smell, or make weird noises, or are doing a move wrong."
And Emma Bates Zar says you have ulterior motives, Adelaide. "Methinks the lady doth protest too much. She should just ask him out already."
On the other hand, you have plenty of sympathizers, including my wife, Julie, who joined the Huddled Masses for the first time to say gym grunters are her "pet peeve." (NB: She's got a few others. Including passive-aggressive comments in her husband's columns.) These supporters suggested several tactics for you.
Revenge-grunt: Grunt louder or, better yet, grunt in perfect unison with the guy and freak him out, offers Gerald von Stoddard.
And if you're not a grunter, choose from a menu of other annoying sounds: Clap loudly in his ear (Bruce Northam), sing a verse or two of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (Mark Warren), or make "Beeyoom! Beeyoom!" noises like the AT-STs in Star Wars (Cara Sheridan O'Donnell).
If you're really feeling sophisticated, get scatological on his ass. Aaron Sanstrum says her sister, a trainer, puts "a fart machine" near the squat rack, and lets it rip to embarrass unruly gym-goers.
Switch to a more genteel gym: Ideally one without a fart machine.
Cortney Mills says her gym, LA Fitness, flashes reminders on the TV screens that grunting and gazing are rude. Joseph Stanley recommends Planet Fitness as a less intense option, as apparently no one lifts more than five pounds there and the sweat smells like lavender.
My favorite location suggestion comes from Catherine Censor: "Do your lifting at the library. Curl the OED! Do squats while clutching a bound set of Shakespeare! For cardio, restack everything at a sprint."
Embarrass the noisemaker with feigned concern: Joann Taylor Johnson suggests you approach him and say, "Are you OKAY?? I'm sorry, I just heard you and that sounded really painful, like perhaps you tore a tendon or ruptured your colon or something. Okay, then! I'm over here if you need help or something!"
Use earbuds: At least a dozen of my followers think you need noise-reducing earbuds, maybe ones that can blast some vintage Iggy Pop. Or else get a simple pair of earplugs. (I recommend Sonic Defenders, which are crazy expensive at fourteen bucks but you'll never lose them, because they cling to your ears like barnacles.)
I agree that gym-goers have the right to make a reasonable amount of noise when curling a barbell. But if the sound really is Ron Jeremy–esque, that's another story. This is especially true if the grunts are making "everyone else feel super uncomfortable." In fact, "everyone" need not be on your side—just a significant number of people. If you can gather a gym version of a minyan (say, three or more people), it's worth approaching the manager to voice your concerns. As Steph Spissu says, "You pay for a gym membership for multiple reasons: for the right to use the equipment and take classes, etc. But you also pay so the gym employees can take care of distracting issues. This would be one of those issues."
Or else, as a last resort, ask the offender to make non-obscene grunts. Who doesn't love a mellifluous, nuanced, Maria Callas–like grunt? Nobody, that's who.