I’m sitting at the kitchen table facing the neighborhood street lined with trees, having my afternoon coffee and writing out a grocery list along with a To Do because my precious mind is so full of good thoughts and ideas that I forget the little task that need to be done to keep my tiny empire going.
I have been listening to Esther Hicks teachings of Abraham and cleaning the kitchen. I listen daily, but I tend to drift off as she gives her messages. I was like this in school also…brain on, brain elsewhere. I can only tune in for small increments at a time and that is why my days are filled with teachings and readings because, out of the 4 hours, I may have absorbed 15 minutes. I run it in the background and clean, cook, talk with my little ones and then I switch to music when I realize that class has been dismissed for a while now.
I am feeling better each day, not that I was not happy before, no, but I was not really happy as I feel one should and could be in this world. I was content, in love with my children, enjoying my daily task and play, loving my writing journeys….and then I started going backward. I had started writing about my childhood thinking that it would make such a great book. It was foolish thinking because I started to relive the past insanity and misery that was my past life and my poor brain thought it was back in that hell. I have since disposed of the book, the idea, old journals, and all other things from that past.
It had a purpose, though (as all moments do). I have been on this path to self-healing and realization for years, but I have actually been in a rut on the side of the road so to speak. I have been working with an old platform that was my mother’s creation. Now, I did see it but I didn’t really do anything about it. I had all these great things the last five years to keep me busy. I married, became a housewife, had to adorable, yummy boys, moved to a new town, kept busy with nesting and reading, exploring, educating myself on all sorts of topics…I ignored this blister.
Recently I have been weaving in and out of mild blues. One day I hate the very neighborhood I just had to live in. One day I don’t feel safe in the same world I felt safe in the other day, another day I am upset at a friend or family and obsess about crimes I felt someone committed on my heart or some secret violation of friendship. I have created a couple dramas as of recently. At first, it was ALL the other person, but as I start to lift the evil I see it was me. I would take small insults from one person and blow them up, call up the town folk and shout in the city streets for justice and in so doing I would pollute my own drinking water and it would affect other people and relationships and matters would get worse.
Finally, finally, I said, “This is enough! I worry about the world, which I can not heal. I worry about others, which they can only help themselves. I create drama and it is no fun in the end. I have negative thoughts that are affecting my household, even if I smile, my children feel it, my dogs and cat feel it, even my cooking feels it. Who can live like this without having cancer eventually!!”
On the night before my birthday, I wrote a mission statement that I would become a new woman on my birthday and going forward. I wrote out how I would accomplish this. I wrote out my desires that I wanted to manifest in my life. I told myself, “Go on…worry, be angry, fret, have the drama and really get it out, because as soon as that sun rises in the East…you are DONE!” I made a promise to myself and God that I would start a new life on that day.
My night was hell. I felt like Jacob wrestling the Angel in Genesis 32:22-31. I fought with myself and felt years of anger, hate, worry and stress. I went for the gusto on this one and was up most of the night like a crazy person. I can NOT even tell you what the hell I stressed about or thought about. I didn’t sleep much though and I could feel the poison. Then I finally passed out (literally) from the exhaustion of the internal warfare. When I woke up on my birthday the sun was rising and I my new life began.
It hasn’t been many days, but I feel better each day. I truly feel like I had an exorcism of my mother’s dark thinking. I am renewed and each day I focus on my thoughts and keep them good, solid, positive. I fill up on good words and lessons. I am so hungry for learning and it feels so good, I feast all day. I am not stuck on Christianity or Buddhism or Law of Attraction…I am hooked on the positive lessons that heal and teach me how to “think” right thoughts and “feel” good emotions. I am re brain washing myself. It is like a soldier that has been torn down and built back up in the perfection of what the army may want and need. I am already torn down and now I’m rebuilding myself to what I want and need for myself.
In turn, this has a wonderful effect on my family and household. I see my children becoming even more playful and the dogs laying about even more sleepy and relaxed with peaceful vibes swirling in the air. My husband is having more business at work and even the cat is manifesting more attention. I see some girls coming into the front yard right now just to pet her (her dreams come true). Magic is in the air.
I have unplugged from Facebook and most media and I’m being a bit recluse for my wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. I feel that as I go through this transition it’s best I walk the path alone. Others bring their crap dragging behind them and I am still tender to the touch and will light up at the slightest perceived misconduct of words or actions. One day I will be so solid and grounded that I can just get out the popcorn and watch the movie that is others lives and my own. Right now I need to stay at home or play with my kids in the forest or by the duck ponds. I enjoy strangers, they don’t know a thing about me and I know nothing of them. Our chat is light and meaningless…perfect!
I am loving the simplicity of my days. The sweeping of my kitchen floor with the morning light coming in the large window over the sink, the hand washing of dishes and the warm sudsy water while listening to some music, reading a good book while laying on my bed with the boys playing around me, being at a park in a wooded area and chasing after my littlest boy while my eldest makes a new friend in the distance…it is such a good, good, and simple life that brings that true bliss that lingers in the heart.
As the days go on like this I feel the poison drain quickly and I feel stronger, clearer in my mind. My energy increases, I laugh deeper at sillier things, I cry with gratitude every time Spirit shows itself. I get messages and little gifts daily…or I just notice them now.
Each day I get rid of more that doesn’t fit who I am. I shed thoughts that are stale, clothes that don’t fit, media that pushes hot buttons, withdraw from unpleasant persons, turn down lovely streets and avoid ugly neighborhoods, shop only at stores that make me smile and sigh with pleasure as I enter the door, I only answer the phone when I like, and I cancel any appointments I simply don’t feel like attending. What a great life!