Before I get to this week's playoff games, a word about this whole Matt Millen hiring over at NBC. Hey NBC: FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING GOAT ASS. Are you fucking shitting me? Do you really think you can just bring Matt Millen back to TV as if nothing has happened? Am I supposed to accept that his opinion somehow has fucking merit after what he's done? That fucking asshole is a goddamn shining beacon of fucking FAIL. And now you're going to have him broadcasting during the fucking SUPER BOWL? I HOPE SPIDERS LAY EGGS IN YOUR RECTUM.
I didn't a hear a word Millen said during halftime last week, because every time he appeared on my screen I randomly began shouting out "0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! FUCKING TITANIC HINDENBURG NEW COKE VIVA LAUGHLIN FUCKFACE!" You can see how that might distract me.
The whole reason Matt Millen was laughed at when he started out in Detroit was because EVERYONE FUCKING HATED HIM AS A BROADCASTER. He took John Madden's broadcasting style and somehow managed to make even more inane, spawning a legion of similar broadcasters in the process. Wanna know where fucking Bill Maas came from? MILLEN. Mark fucking Schlereth? MILLEN. Any shithead analyst that has nothing to say outside of, "I tell you one thing, Eli Manning is a COMPETITOR"? MILLEN.
That's all Matt Millen's doing. Why the FUCK would anyone bring him back to TV, especially in light of what he did to the Lions? The man has all the credibility of fucking InventHelp. And anyone who tells you, "Hey, Millen was actually an okay broadcaster!" is fucking wrong. That means you, MJD. And you, Tony Kornheiser. No wonder you like Millen. He's just like you: as useless as Mariotti's fucking dick.
This is why people hate the fucking media. Some asshole like Matt Millen, who couldn't even open a door without consulting an owner's manual first, gets a cushy broadcasting gig after years of failing on an unprecedented level. Why does he get the gig? Because he knows other people in the media who think he's a nice guy. And because he's done some broadcasting before. Never mind that he was fucking shitty at it. Or that he took a historic NFL franchise and BURIED IT IN THE CORE OF THE FUCKING EARTH. That doesn't matter. He's in the fraternity. He gets christened an expert.
And you, Mr. Viewer, are expected to just sit there and accept it.
Well, I don't fucking accept it. I am fucking tired of watching shithead analyst after shithead analyst go on TV and offer me NOTHING. I end up knowing LESS about the game of football whenever I tune in. And not only do networks keep those shithead analysts on the air, they add MORE of them to the mix. "Hey, I've got an idea. Let's add six more retards to the set! THAT WOULD BE WACKY!" Jesus fucking Christ.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're doing this kind of thing, NBC. After all, you're nothing more than A FUCKING PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL NOW. Ooooh, "Superstars of Dance!" That looks awesome! Chinese kung fu experts doing an interpretive dance! "Everyone was kung fu DANCING!" And look! There's Howie Mandel posing as a waiter! With a wig on! That's so goofy! He's Pistachio Disguisey! Oooh, there's a "Bachelor" ripoff that throws in some douchebag's rotten cunt of a mother! Original! OOOOH, BIGGEST LOSER! THEY FOUND THEIR BIGGEST MANBOOBS YET!
Nice lineup there, NBC. I think the fucking Robin Byrd Show has a bigger production budget than your sub-Bravo primetime schedule. I tried to hear the audio feed of the game Saturday night, but all I could hear was the death rattle of your fucking fifth-class, piece of shit network. You're a pathetic broadcasting company with pathetic shows that hires pathetic assholes like Matt Millen to populate that Central Tard Command of a pregame show you put on.
AND YOU CAN GO GET FUCKED.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And, like last year, I'll be picking scores for every playoff game, something NO OTHER WRITER HAS EVER DONE IN HISTORY. It's a bold move, one I'm sure will end up landing me any number of honorary ribbons and engraved silver chalices.
Ravens 27, Titans 10: Kerry Collins against the Ravens? Oh, I don't like that matchup. I can see it now. Ol' Kerry drops back in the first quarter, then he gets picked off by Ed Reed, who then takes it back to the house. Suddenly, Kerry's having flashbacks to 2000. "Oh no," he thinks to himself, "It's all happening again!" Then he throws six more picks. Then he fumbles. Everyone boos. But there's nowhere to hide, Kerry! Everyone's looking at you! And then a little tiny voice pops up in Kerry's head.
Voice: Why don't you have a little drink there, Kerry?
Kerry: NO! No. I can't do it. I WON'T do it.
Voice: Come oooooooon. Just a little nip.
Kerry: NO! No, I've worked too hard to get to this point. I won't slip.
Voice: You know you want to. Whiiisky whisky! It burns so good!
Kerry: I don't need alcohol anymore! I WORK THE LAND NOW, DAMMIT! SOIL IS MY WHISKY!
Voice: Just oooone sip. You've been so good! You deserve it. I can make it all gooo awayyyyy.
Kerry: NO! NO! Brooke… our little girl… I can't… OH FUCK IT!
Then Collins charges into the stands and grabs some fan's beer right out of his hands. "GIMME THAT!" he screams. Then he grabs and guzzles 12 more beers. Then he grabs a cheerleader's tit. Then he drunkenly calls LenDale White a fat welfare baby.
Don't think it can't happen. It totally can.
(By the way, Ed Hochuli reffed the Ravens game last week. And Phil Simms said on the air that Hochuli and his crew were the highest graded officiating team in the league all year long. Really? Jesus. How the fuck is that possible? Do other refs surf Brazzers.com during games and I just haven't noticed? Simms didn't bother to explain HOW Hochuli ended up being graded so high. So thanks for keeping that handy bit of information to yourself, Phil. Goddamn redneck.)
Giants 28, Eagles 7: It's a crime that Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson has never been an NFL head coach. Over the past decade, Johnson has helped produce 24 total Pro Bowl selections for Philly defenders. It doesn't matter who Philly brings in to play. Jeremiah Trotter shined in Philly, went to shit with the Redskins, and then became great again once he returned to Johnson's defense.
Johnson knows exactly when to blitz and who to bring. After adjusting in the second half last week, the Eagles forced the Vikings into three-and-out after three-and-out, and all but reduced Tarvaris Jackson to a blubbering pile of shit. Lord knows how many games Johnson has helped the Eagles win when Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb collectively decide to push the offense down a well, as they will this week in the Meadowlands.
So why hasn't Johnson ever gotten a head coaching gig? Why hasn't he been mentioned for any of the recent openings around the league? Because he's old. He's 67. So he gets nary a mention while unproven coaching dreck like Brad Childress and others get top jobs. This is bullshit. If there's gonna be a Rooney Rule, there should also be a Matlock Rule, wherein all teams must interview candidates who are over, I dunno, fifty or something.
If you fail to abide by the Matlock Rule, Jim Johnson will weakly beat you with his cane and then talk to you for six straight hours about his various liver ailments. Then he'll make you spend an extra hour helping him figure out how to send an email. DEAL WITH THAT, YOU DAGGUM GM'S.
Panthers 31, Cardinals 13: And then Will Leitch can finally, much to his great relief, stop pretending to like football for a good long while.
By the way, they cut to Matt Leinart a handful of times last week. And I swear to God, even when he isn't moving a muscle, Matt Leinart can still manage to come across like the world's biggest asshat.
Steelers 17, Chargers 7: Ben Roethlisberger has a concussion. At first, I thought this might affect his play. And then I realized that no player in NFL history would be less affected by a concussion than Ben Roethlisberger. If anything, a concussion would only serve to improve his mindset. Now he won't have all those pesky thoughts bothering him while he plays.
As for the Chargers, NO ONE rides a bike on the sidelines and grabs the front of their shoulder pads quite like LT. The man has perfected that pose. Watch and learn, Reggie Bush! He's got it down cold, just as Marmalard has perfected the art of throwing screen passes to the ground when they fail to develop. I swear he does it at least 25 times a game. You could make a bong hit game of it.
I'm sad if the Chargers get bounced this week, because then the possibility of seeing the Charger Girls back at Qualcomm Stadium for one last time will be extinguished. And that's a damn shame. You know what the key to the Charger Girls success is? The laces.
I swear, laces make everything better. Even if they serve no functional purpose, they still make it appear as if something is just aching to burst out of there. I'd buy that for a dollar.
(Screencap by Christmas Ape.)
2008 Playoff Picks Record: 3-1 (3-1 vs. the spread)
A Note To NFL Playoff Advertisers
I never, ever, need to hear the song "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet in an advertisement ever again. You hear me, smug Budweiser stockroom guy? Oh, you think your beer is so superior, don't you? The fuck do you know about beer, fuckface? You unload trucks. YOUR BEER IS SHIT.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Blood and Thunder," by Mastodon. GAHHHH CLOWNS! AN AUDIENCE MADE OF NOTHING BUT CLOWNS! MY NIGHT TERRORS HAVE AT LAST CROSSED OVER INTO THE TANGENTIAL PLANE!
Many thanks to readers last week for suggesting a shitload of kickass new bands for everyone to sample. From those suggestions comes Atlanta's own Mastodon, a band I had heard of but didn't bother listening to until just recently. Why? I think it was because Pitchfork liked them so much. Keep in mind, any time you read Ptichfork, you may stumble on a sentence such as this:
When much of the critical conversation this year focused on Brooklyn's nü-primitivism coldly capitalizing on globalism, TVOTR proved that the borough can give us so much more than Keffiyeh scarves.
If I could slit a sentence's throat and leave it to die in a ravine, that would be the sentence I would choose. What a bunch of fucking cocksockets. I'm shocked they like a band that actually kicks ass. Perhaps they got it mixed up with some gayass Fleet Foxes CD.
Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"All for Love," by Sting, Bryan Adams, and Rod Stewart. Yes, perhaps the worst trio in history this side of Hitler/Mussolini/Hirohito, or Patrick/Maguire/Theismann. It's one thing to pair up Bryan Adams and Sting, or Sting and Rod Stewart. But to bring ALL THREE together… well, that's one potently mild recipe right there. Bryan Adams has a prison haircut in this video, and he's also dressed like a mime. Or a gay Russian dance instructor. And why is Sting wearing a skirt over his pants? I haven't been this terrified since that Mastodon video.
"All for Love" was the theme song to The Three Musketeers (starring Charlie Sheen, Keifer Sutherland, and Mariotti lookalike Oliver Platt), a stupid movie that was made to capitalize on the slight success of Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves, which occurred during a very short-lived swashbuckling trend in the early 1990's. And "All For Love" was made to capitalize on Adams' "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)", also from Robin Hood. So here you've got a song that was ripped off from another song, for a movie that was ripped off from another movie. Noel Gallagher is impressed.
Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Tarvaris Jackson. I swear to God, if fucking Tarvaris Jackson is on the Vikings roster next year, I will personally fly to Minnesota to choke Brad Childress with his own intestines. For two years, the Vikings have wasted a perfectly good roster (14 total Pro Bowl selections) to help cultivate this drooling heap of suck. And he can't even run a two minute drill without looking like he's in some kind of hostage crisis. FUCK YOU, TARVARIS JACKSON. I HAVE WASTED GOOD YEARS ON YOU.
25 Extra Nicknames For Darren Sproles
The Little Sperm That Could
Pinky Dinky Doo
The One Who Isn't Injured All The Time In The Playoffs
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Philadelphia getting 4.5 points on the road against New York(Ed Note: He went against me! DAMN YOU, SHARK!)
"Say, you know those bottle-nosed dolphins? Jews. All of them."
2008 Nazi Shark Record: 5-11 (1-0 playoffs)
Great Moments In Sports Poop History
Reader Dan T. sends in a poop story that originates in the bowels of exotic India…
"My friend Scott had returned from India after 6 months from studying abroad, with what could only be described as an issue in his bowels. We went to go see Dude, Where's My Car? and he showed up with a large coffee can to the theater and declared that he needed a stool sample.
"We didn't end up watching the movie because Scott spent the entire movie in the bathroom trying to poop. This of course leads to some very interesting conversations in the bathroom. So no sample is procured and he goes of to school. He finally gets one that he can use and stores it in a Lipton iced tea can and leaves it on the kitchen counter as his appointment isn't until the next day.
"The kid is kinda a scatter brain, forgets about his appointment and thinks nothing of it. His roommate, a neat freak, cleans the kitchen and places the iced tea can back in the pantry. You can only see where this is going. Two months later, the same neat freak roommate, decides that the smell in the kitchen is too much and discovers the can. Upon opening the can, he finds a brown smelly liquid that can only be made when you leave poop in a can for two months."
The only thing that disgusts me more than old poop in a can is the fact that someone actually wanted to go see Dude, Where's My Car? in the theater. And why didn't Dan just go watch the movie while his friend was on the shitter? Why did he stay in the bathroom and talk to him the whole time? That would freak me out if I were going to take a piss and some guy was there loitering, talking to his buddy in the stall. Have some etiquette, folks.
Fire This Asshole!
Here's who has been fired or retired so far:
Herm Edwards and Wade Phillips live for another week. There was a report on ESPN that Jerry Jones was eying Mike Shanahan for the Cowboys head coaching spot in 2010, but not this year. Here's my question: WHY FUCKING WAIT? "Hey, I've got a great idea, Tubby! You stay here for another whole year as a lame duck! THE LAMEST, FATTEST DUCK IN HISTORY! AND THEN WE SHIT THE BED AGAIN! YEEEEEEEEHAW I AM FUCKING RETARDED!"
This makes no sense. Wade Phillips has been a lame duck ever since Jason Garrett was tapped to replace him down the line. If you're so eager to replace your fucking coach, REPLACE HIM.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Clementines! The Darren Sproles of fruit. I like Clementines quite a bit. They're small, juicy, they have no seeds, and they're easy to peel. Ever get an orange that's hard to peel? God, that's fucking terrible. You scrape and pull at the thing for an hour, and by the time you're done, your fingernails are orange and half the pith is still covering the good stuff. Horrible.
The only thing I don't like about Clementines is when you have to buy them in that fucking wooden crate. I ask for fruit, I get 700 splinters and a punctured shopping bag. Not fun.
Gametime Beer Of The Week
Sapporo! Two Japanese beers in a row for me. Here's a quick sushi story. There's a sushi joint on the Upper East Side called Yuka, where you can get all-you-can-eat sushi for $18. No restrictions. You can get handrolls, nigiri sushi, anything you want. (They also shout, "IRRASHAI!!!" as you walk in, which is fun) Only catch? You have to pay extra for any sushi you leave on the plate.
I've been to this restaurant about a dozen times, and I have eaten well past the point of completely disgusting myself. When you stare at a fifth yellowtail handroll, it stops looking like sushi and starts to look like some giant raw fish burrito you're trying to keep down. Not fun. The final time I went, I ordered a shitload of sushi. Towards the end, I started to eat all the raw fish off of the top of the rice cakes, to help prevent overstuffing. I thought I could get away with this. The waitress was not amused.
"YOU MUST EAT ALL YOUR RICE!"
My wife was with me. "Honey don't…"
"No, I can do this…"
"Oh, God. I can't look."
I then ate 20 bare rice cakes. There were five still left. I put them in my pocket, walked to the bathroom, placed them into the toilet, barfed into the toilet, and then flushed it all down.
I still think it was worth all the money I saved. Good meal.
Random FKS-Style Tidbit
Ever own a home? Don't. Oh sure, people may tell you it's a dream come true. But not when you're MOPPING UP A FUCKING LEAK IN YOUR BASEMENT WHILE THE GODDAMN CARDS-FALCONS GAME IS STARTING BECAUSE THE HUMIDIFER BUSTED! FUCK! IT'S ALWAYS ONE GODDAMN THING AFTER ANOTHER IN THIS FUCKING PLACE!
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
"Baby, I screwed up! Ed Reed should have gotten my vote! Fast? You bet! Instinctive? LIKE A NIGHTHAWK! Ed Reed will catch you sleeping with your sister-in-law if you aren't careful! And Evans would know, baby. I've got four sisters-in-law, and I've nailed them all!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
Parenthood. The movie that taught me spanking it was okay, because that's what little dudes do. I find it appropriate that Keanu Reeves only truly comes alive as an actor when portraying stupid people.
There's one sequence in this film that is beyond harrowing. It's when Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen are having a fight. Martin has to go do some errand or something. Steenburgen asks him, "Do you have to?" And Martin turns to her and says,
"My whole life is HAVE TO."
And that, people, is adulthood in a nutshell. It's why you should mooch off your parents until they're forced to either throw you out or kill you. I love being my own man, and having a family, but fuck me if each new day doesn't bring some new goddamn thing that has to get done. Bills, work, fixing my fucking car. Such bullshit. I swear I'm taking my family to Mexico and becoming a goddamn bartender. Responsibility is awful.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That coloured chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: We go old school this week with the Kathy Ireland bikini gallery. Ah, the good old days of high-riding bikini bottoms. Accentuate those hips, ladies!
-For the gals: Shirtless Johnny Depp. YARRRR! HE'S TRULY THE CATCH OF THE DAY!
Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
"It's always fun until someone gets hurt and then it's just hilarious."
-Mike Patton (via Bill Hicks)
Enjoy the best football weekend of the year, everyone.