AT THE risk of sounding like a Kings Cross footpath spruiker, you want sexy? We got sexy! Step right up for more sexy than you can handle!
It is of course that time of year again when Who releases its (massively subjective) list of the sexiest people in the world and the other magazines rally to the challenge with their own hot bodies. Just who Who thinks is the sexiest is difficult to tell, mainly because the numbers next to most of the names are not actually their ranking as we first suspected, but how old they are.
Which explains why Ryan Corr of Packed To The Rafters landed at 22 and Colin Farrell was 35, a gob-smacking result before we understood the whole age thing. But what we can tell you is that sexy people like to be photographed in very odd poses.
Jack Black, for example, is popping out of an egg, Ryan Reynolds has his shirt open with a light aimed at his navel, Natalie Imbruglia is slumped boneless over the front of a car while Teresa Palmer appears to be imitating Liberace's candelabra, perched atop a grand piano. Over at OK, sexy is spearheaded by Jennifer Love Hewitt and Khloe Kardashian, who have apparently lost half their weight to get there.
NW is countering with Katy Perry and Jennifer Aniston, who are sexy because they're pregnant and Woman's Day trumps the lot with Julia Morris in a bikini, sexy because it's allegedly the first time she's ever worn one.
''It's outrageous!'' she gurns and quite right she is, particularly when there's much more important stuff inside, like the news Connor Cruise, AKA DJ C-Squared, is escaping his father Tom's clutches to take up a life of spinning discs. Because, you know, the world needs another DJ.
But shifting back in the ''who's hot'' debate, NW offers up one of the most telling pieces on the subject, where we get to learn what the stars really weigh. Rihanna? She's 62 kilograms. Ricki-Lee Coulter? 66 kilograms and (British singer) Adele is 89.
Most telling however is the description of Angelina Jolie, who is apparently ''finally taking some time out to eat'' and ''no longer unnaturally gaunt''. And how much does this paragon of normality weigh? 46 kgs. According to the government's body mass index calculator, that puts her in the ''very underweight and possibly malnourished'' category. If that doesn't put sexy in perspective, what does?