The blockbuster season feels like it starts earlier and earlier every year, to the point where it’s not really a season so much as it is seasons. So before the summer gets here let’s see how this year’s genre movies are shaping up so far!
Somebody warn Laketown, it’s the spring 2014 movie roundup!
Note: All reviews should be assumed spoilery unless specifically marked as non-spoilery.
Knights of Badassdom (January 21)
Our review: Knights of Badassdom: Verily Dost This Movie Suck by Theresa DeLucci
I, Frankenstein (January 27)
Our review: I, Frankenstein is Actually Just a Live Action Version of Disney’s Gargoyles by Ryan Britt
Carl: This series has really gone downhill since Van Helsing IV.
Emily: There was a Van Helsing IV? Carl, you’ve been holding out on me.
The LEGO Movie (February 7)
Our review: We Are All the Special! The LEGO Movie by Emily Asher-Perrin
Sarah: Everything is awesome!
Emily: Everything is cool when you’re part of a team!
Chris: Everything is awesome!
Leah: DARKNESSSS. NO PARENTS! ...wait, did I mess it up? Guys? ...guys?
Vampire Academy (February 7)
Our review: School isn’t the Only Thing They Suck At: Vampire Academy by Steph Sinclair
Carl: This movie exsanguinated humans. (Am I doing this right?)
RoboCop (February 14)
Our review: Pay For the Robot, Stay For the Insane Supporting Cast. RoboCop by Chris Lough
Sarah: Augh, Chris, I hate that you picked the creepy lung-sack image! Anyway, I want to ignore all the boring RoboCop parts of this movie and focus instead on cheerily-evil Michael Keaton and shouty-FoxNews anchor Samuel L. Jackson, because MORE PLZ.
Emily: What about light-of-our-lives Gary Oldman? Always more of him.
Chris: He was okay. He’s British, you know.
Winter’s Tale (February 14)
Our review: Lady Sybil Trapped in Weird Colin Farrell Zombie Movie Called Winter’s Tale by Ryan Britt
Carl: I can’t tell you how satisfied I was to hear that this movie sucked.
Chris: I can’t tell you how satisfied I was to write that this book sucked. (Okay, not really, despite my hyperbolic headline.)
Pompeii (February 21)
Our review: None
Chris: I was going to see this, because I am totally afraid of volcanoes but also because I actually went here a couple years ago and it was a really awesome place. (Did you know that currently the layout of Pompeii is shaped like a fish, with the arena as the fish’s eye?) But ultimately even the thought of being able to guzzle Skittles for two hours and guffaw at Jon Snow wasn’t enough to make me actually want to spend money on this. Rewatching “Fires of Pompeii” is enough.
300: Rise of an Empire (March 7)
Our review: Eva Green Will Probably Eat You. 300: Rise of an Empire by Emily Asher-Perrin
Carl: I hate boats.
Emily: When they do make that movie I want with Vesper Lynd and Cersei Lannister having an epic navy showdown, I will sit in the theater and throw money at the screen. Real missed opportunity.
Veronica Mars (March 14)
Our review: A Long Time Ago, We Used To Be Friends: The Veronica Mars Movie by Alex Brown
Chris: What a really nice second pilot episode. I kind of wish I had seen this in the theater surrounded by fans, because minus the hoopla of its creation, the Veronica Mars movie doesn’t really come off as a movie. I love the idea that Neptune has been fairly calm in Veronica’s absence, and that this calm is only present because everyone has become complacent about the corruption that filtered back in. I’m also really glad that Weevil didn’t die, but very not glad that Sacks bites it. Sacks!
Sarah: Am I the only one (besides Papa Mars) who was a little disappointed that Veronica abandoned her potential law career? Seriously girl, there is no way your P.I. gig is going to make a dent in your presumably massive student loan debt. Also, TEAM LOGAN 4EVA!
Muppets Most Wanted (March 21)
Our review: This is Indeed a Disturbing Universe. Muppets Most Wanted by Chris Lough
Sarah: I still haven’t seen this, but Chris does the Constantine voice around the office so much that I might as well be living in a very specific Muppet nightmare.
Chris: [warped yayyyyyy]
Emily: Actually enjoyed this one more than the last film. It was more adventurey! And I loved the music. If you want a thingy-thing, I’ll give it to you.
Divergent (March 21)
Our review: Living Up to the Hype: Divergent by Steph Sinclair
Chris: I meant to go to this but the Muppets took priority. (They will always take priority.) I’m not sure I would have connected with it anyhow, though. As opposed to the Hunger Games series, Divergent seems to actually be an allegory on stepping into adulthood, whereas the Hunger Games focuses more on the bankrupt society of Panem and how it defines Katniss. Both are great stories to tell, but I am personally more interested in seeing the latter play out.
Jodorowsky’s Dune (March 21)
Our review: We Got the Dune We Deserved: Jodorowsky’s Dune by Grady Hendrix
Emily: There can never be enough Dune in your life, so just go.
Noah (March 28)
Our review: One Day a Real Rain Will Come and Wash All This Scum Off The Streets: Darren Aronofsky’s Noah by Leah Schnelbach
Carl: I still hate boats.
Leah: Carl, while I respect your distrust of seafaring fantasy, in this case the boat was really the best option.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (April 4)
Our review: The Age of Heroes is Here. Captain America: The Winter Soldier by Chris Lough
Carl: Oh hi Hydra, how are you doing? (I actually saw this movie, it was good, maybe go see it? I spent the last third of it wondering if it meant that Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was cancelled.)
Emily: Only real disappointment was that the final after-credits sequence wasn’t Cap, Widow, and Falcon sitting on a boat singing “Show Me The Way to Go Home” in three-part harmony. (Boats, Carl. Deal with it.)
Chris: You guys, Cap, Widow, and Falcon are gonna have the prettiest babies.
Sarah: Can we talk about the fact that fictional government agencies should stop funding helicarriers and helijets already? Seriously bad idea, guys.
Leah: I have to say, I was pretty annoyed by that Pulp Fiction spoiler.
Only Lovers Left Alive (April 11)
Our review: Detroit Wilderness By Nightfall: Only Lovers Left Alive by Emily Asher-Perrin
Sarah: You guys, Tilda Swinton takes a moment to chastise some mushrooms and it is the best thing in the world.
Emily: It really is. That and the way Tom Hiddleston clings to her like she’s the only thing that can protect him in the whole wide world. We should learn by his example and all cling to Tilda Swinton.
Leah: I’m convinced that this film has always existed, floating on some Platonic plane, waiting for Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston to be born so it could manifest itself in our world.
Transcendence (April 18)
Our review: Transcendence: Resistance to Johnny Depp is Futile! by Ryan Britt
Chris: Wow, nobody saw this except Ryan. Are we as an audience just not interested in computers? Or artificial intelligence? Or Johnny Depp? Or is it because Transcendence features the main character becoming disembodied and unrelatable?
In Your Eyes (April 18)
Our review: The Light, the Heat of Joss Whedon’s In Your Eyes by Thom Dunn
Sarah: It was sweet (there were some genuinely touching and funny moments), but I wish the movie was about discovering their connection as children rather than as aimless adults. So I guess I wanted a vaguely magical Moonrise Kingdom. Someone get on that, please.