After 3 years of not being allowed to see my Father, following my Mother’s death, and his revolving door marriage only 30 days later, I was called by the 2nd wife to have Dad “placed in a nursing home” because he had “lost his mind’ After getting over my anger and hurt feelings of rejection, I flew out of state to investigate. I discovered that the new wife and her adult son had revoked the Family trust, that the properties, the family home, the stocks and all the cash was in the new wife and her adult son’s name. I took Dad to an attorney before seeing a doctor, and opened Pandora’s box to fraud, neglect, exploitation, and abuse.
I was involved in court proceedings in CA for over a year, with a temporary guardianship, because my guardianship was challenged not by the wife and her son, but by my brother, and his ex wife who I hired out of my personal funds to care for Dad so I could return to AZ to my business. The ex daughter in law then became engaged to marry Dad when he was informed he only had days to live. I had also been appointed the guardian of my grandson, so I was caught between two people who both needed protection. I did not know who the enemy was, but was caught in the middle of a murky mess over money.
It has now been 5 years, and the attorney fees alone exceeded $250,000. I was advised by Dad’s attorney to mortgage my home and take a loan out on his property in CA (in my name) to cover the cost of his care, until the courts released his assets. I followed that advice. My personal home is now in foreclosure, I was able to sell Dad’s home for what was owned against it, but was unable to make my mortgage payments which doubled with the refinance, and the subsequent loss of my earning. The time it cost me to oversee Dad’s care, has reduced my income from 6 figures a year to a less than $20,000 per year for over a 3 year period. Dad had no income to pay me, his SS was $550 a month, which I had to account for to the state. My attorney just completed the first and final accounting of his estate, which translates that I was never approved to be paid for my services. By the time I intervened, his cash assets had been embezzled, and by the time the court gave me permanent guardianship, his property values had fallen to one half their original value that had been reported to the courts. There was no equity left to pay me back for either the money I fronted for his care or to compensate me for my time; an amount that has now exceeded one million dollars.
I was required to pay for Dad’s care, since he could not qualify for ALTCS, both of our expenses, pay the mortgage on his home and mine, in addition to giving up my income to watch him 24-7, he had a stroke which left him unable to stand or walk, and he has Alzheimer’s disease. I failed!
I may lose my home, I have all but lost my business, my grandson left a few months back, stating that I destroyed his childhood from forcing him to live in nursing homes. I have encountered so much fraud, deception, exploitation, abuse and neglect within the elder care industry that it takes constant vigil just to see that Dad is bathed and fed.
Taking care of our parents should not be this difficult or expensive to those of us who offer our assistance. I have found little to no help with the ombudsman’s office, APS or the Dept of Health. They all know the situation, but are inadequately trained as investigators. I feel like I have had to become a secret service agent, just to get minimal care. These adults can’t remember what they ate for dinner, if they ate dinner, and have no boundaries when it comes to trust issues.
Would I do it again? I’m not sure. It cost my life, but I saved my Dad’s. As one APS investigator stated,. “If it weren’t for you, your Dad would be a piece of celery, laying in a hospital bed”. He has been drugged with off-label psychotropic drugs without my permission, fed bread and water for dinner, has gone months without showers (at a cost to me of $65.00 per shower), and has had a 43 YO criminally insane felon as a room mate. I just got the state to intervene on that one after he attacked 4 caregivers, and sexually assaulted a 98 YO resident. I was the only one who was concerned!! The owner simply fired the care givers, who by the way were illegal, so no one could question them. I happened to be there during the assaults, but I was only a witness, not the victim.
I have lost all my friends and contacts with the outside world and have constantly been berated by the elder community, due to my advocacy for my Father. My income is all but history and my life savings is completely gone. I was single, self supporting, and lived a life most folks only dream of. I had absolutely no outside help, no family to assist, and no friends who stuck around. I now live day to day, and wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. A single person should not be required to give up their source of income, take on additional debt, and care for someone full time without compensation, and be expected to survive.