The keyboard feels alien to me. I haven’t written a word in a week. I feel slow, my thoughts feel clogged, and this post feels bland and aimless.
But my actions haven’t been. I’ve been focused elsewhere, on a new career opportunity… a chance to feel “put together,” whatever that could mean. Healthy, wealthy and wise…. right? Although this new job doesn’t feel like a calling or my ultimate purpose, it plays the role of security. The treadmill has been on a constant increasing speed without me feeling like I could catch up. For once, the pace has steadied and I’m keeping up. It’s still going, but at a rate I can handle.
What does that mean? Good question, goooooooood question…
It means keeping up on some really good habits (minus my slacking in writing, I’ll be better – pinky swear), putting effort into a new career path… it feels like it’s paying off. For the first time in years, I feel like I’ve been able to see into my future and see some stability. I’ve chased pipe dreams, been steered in the wrong direction, and I’ve been aimless and wandering through my day to day life. It’s sad and is riddled with the constant questioning of “What’s the point?” Not a great question to throw at yourself… a sign of further underlying causes.
I finally see an open path and I feel like the one behind the wheel. Now, I’m not looking to make millions or to live some crazy fantasy. I’m looking to climb out of debt, to build a future in something that I can call my purpose, and to support the ones I love.
Is that a fantasy? It certainly shouldn’t be. And I don’t think it is. I don’t even need that white picket fence or anything, just a little freedom. Just knowing that there isn’t any financial burden being put on anyone else just for my existence, even that would be a relief. It’s coming, I’m making damn sure of it.
We can’t go back and fix the decisions, we can only make better ones. Those past decisions you’ve made? You’ve got to live with them. Since we can’t change them, we can only look at them like a foundation for our growth. We love ourselves too much to make the same mistake again. We know where that path leads.
I won’t stop writing, I love it too much. It’s a craft, like any, that needs to be practiced more than once a week to be improved upon. Again, this mistake was crucial to the learning process, but thankfully recognized. Now there’s a stronger reminder to be more diligent in it’s practice… for all art is cathartic. Even the brain vomit I put on a page is beneficial to my daily mindset. Just the stupid shit bouncing around our brains deserves to be put on paper, at least that way I don’t have to hear it anymore.
Like I said at the beginning: aimless. This post is completely all over the place, rambling, but it’s only because of my lack of discipline to practice. What’s the worst thing that can happen if I don’t write for a couple days? Sluggish thoughts and my writing suffers? My benefits to being focused on a new job outweighs the cons of forgetting to write. Priorities shift, but I’ll continue to write as it’s daily practice will only benefit me. Something like what I’m writing is usually a journal post for myself, but I want t his to serve as a constant reminder as to how I feel when I decide to stop writing for a weak. Repetition is the mother of perfection…