I couldn’t let this day pass without posting something. The week before I had all of the time in the world to write and then schedule the posts to publish each day of that week. It was PERFECT! I’m so doing that again, LOL!
Anyways, this day comes every year and every year it means something different to me. Let me explain… When I was in elementary school, Mother’s Day meant something. I had my granny around, life wasn’t great but it was bearable most times and I was able to celebrate the one who was raising me. Not consistently in her presence, but at least a phone call away. We moved around a LOT when I was growing up. When I became a middle school child, Mother’s Day was something different. I hated celebrating it, why celebrate someone who doesn’t even want you to begin with. But I grinned and did my half-ass part, I which I never want my own children to do.
When I was in High school, depending on the year Mother’s Day was an in-between. Ninth grade year… I hated everything about it, my granny passed in November of my 9th grade year. Just two short days after my birthday… That was heavy, that was a lot, that almost broke me. I knew my life was over when she passed and the one person I had in my corner was gone. But lucky me, I had a fill in. Someone who loved me as much as she loved her own children. It amazed me that someone could love me so much and treat me like her own, she was right on time. She came in during my 10th and 11th grade times in school. In my Senior year, I had another fill in mother. I am sad to say that she passed away last year. She took me in when no one else would. Though it was short lived and I was scared and angry, she did what I had hoped I never had to deal with. I hope she knew how much I appreciated her kindness and open heart for taking me in. Again, it wasn’t all peaches and cream, but it sustained me enough to make it through my senior year of high school.
The day I graduated from High School was my lowest point, I”m sure Ive had lower, but this one felt like rock bottom. I ended up on the streets, it wasn’t crazy. I mean I “lived” in Brooklyn Park, MN. It was the suburbs, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary trying to find myself somewhere to sleep. Basically I slept in a park that night, and I cried, and screamed and fought thoughts on killing myself. So by Mother’s Day… well… FUCK MOTHER’S DAY!
I was lucky to have a friend who took me in at the crack of dawn and her mother allowed me to stay with them. Another amazing fill in mother. She wasn’t easy on me, made me work and contribute to the house. And I did it without hesitation or questions, I knew that at any moment she could change her mind and I would again be on the streets. And I didn’t want that, so I walked the line. Actually tip toed that line. I didn’t want her angry or mad at me. I needn’t worry about it because I was able to stay with them for over 2 years, I was family and I still am. I was able to see Mother’s Day differently over those 2 years, and I enjoyed celebrating a mother that was so great.
I’m not saying that I didn’t miss those that were gone, I just found a new way to celebrate this Holiday. So that I could be happy in some way and that I could help to bring happiness to those that helped me out when I needed it most.
My baby sister and i grew up together and we were each other’s backbone and support. Through all of the things we went through I knew I needed to be strong for her. In some ways I became a mother to her, at some point along the rode… My relationship with her became a mother and not a sister. I took on that role and loved every minute of it. I would never change any of it. It has helped me to be the person that I am and I hope in some way has helped her as well. That’s her story, one I can’t tell for her. But what I can say is… OMG! I hated all of those teenage years, LMAO! I love her and everything we went through, but I SWEATAGAWD I wanted to beat that child!!!!!!!! LOL! She annoyed me because she is so incredibly smart and continuously got into trouble, mainly her mouth got her in trouble. She doesn’t have a filter, I typically don’t either. But mines has been dimmed because I have little people following my example. So now I tend to be crazy sarcastic. For me Mother’s Day changed when I got my first card from my sister, it warmed my heart that I was able to be that fill in for her. Because I knew what it was like to miss out, I wanted to make sure she had what I had experienced from my own fill ins.
She didn’t go about things the way I had hoped she would, but I figured out with the help of another fill in. That no child does, not even the ones you birth yourself. So I had to let go and let her learn the way she wanted to go. My heart swells with love and pride, and it grew even more when she had her first baby. I could move from mother figure, back to proud sister. The transition wasn’t easy, shit it was downright hard! But, being a big sister again is just as, if not more rewarding then being a mother to my sister. I LOVE being the Best Auntie in the world to my beautiful niece, I would give her the world and more. She is my baby and she always will be. The connection I have with my sister and my niece is strong, and the connection my own children have with her is just as strong. It’s so hard to explain, but yet here I am trying. My baby sister is now a fill in for one of our Godbrothers daughters. And I couldn’t be more proud. Our niece thinks of her as her mommy, loves her just as much and cries if anyone says they are coming to take her. She was without a mommy and my sister stepped in, I LOVE every part of that!
Our family has also become fill ins, we are a “foster” family. But lets be honest, when these children come into our home they are our children, they are our children’s babies, they are big brothers and sisters. We get to fill in for mom and dad while their mom and dad is trying to figure out the journey they are currently on. Some knowingly and others thrust into the situation. It doesn’t matter which one they are we are rooting for them from day one. I can’t imagine having my children ripped from my arms and placed in a home where people can judge me before I can give them the details. So we try with all of our mite to keep an open mind and an open heart. Of course, we want to adopt one, two or three little ones. But we also want them to be able to be reunited with their birth family. I know, it’s virtually impossible to have it both ways.
So as I sit her surround by our 6 kiddos, I am also heartbroken for the mommy that is missing her twins first Mother’s Day and in less then a week their First Birthday. I am heartbroken for all of the firsts she has missed, and I pray she is able to find peace today. That even though she isn’t with her babies, that she can feel them and their love. So today I say Happy Mother’s Day to all of the Fill ins, Stand Ins, Stand ups, and Stand outs. I am grateful for all that you have done, for all you are doing and for all you will do.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
Now on to funtimes with this crazy, loud and silly family of mines 🙂
Disclaimer: This was from a year ago… Not really sure why I didn’t post nor finish it. But I am going to post it as is, and write more about this or something similar to it in the next few days or hours… Time is totally irrelevant right now.
Has anyone ever done that or heard of that saying…? Well I’m really good at this, maybe too good. Sometimes I have this habit of not wanting to do something or not completely believing in something the way I want to or maybe should. So then I fake it, make it seem like I do or that I’m happy with the hopes that me faking it will help me, really help me believe what I am faking. Most times it works wonders, sometimes not so great.
Say I am not in the mood for a family event but the rest of the family is, or I have a headache or something else. Anyways I pretend that I am excited, get really pumped and smile like crazy. And you know what most times it works like candy 🙂 Other times my crabby attitude just persist and it can make for an annoying afternoon/night.
Or take for instance the fact that I am still questioning if I completely believe in God, you know the same one everyone I know believes in and can’t seem to understand WHY I don’t believe in him/her/it/being. Most people I know that believe seem to believe because that is what they are supposed to do, or they grew up in the church and why WOULDN’T you believe in God. But have they ever questioned, wondered, had doubt? I know why I am questioning, and it is all a part of the journey. What I can’t stand are those that condemn me because of what I feel or believe. Isn’t it MY choice to believe or not? Anyways, I’m venturing off my Fake it until I Make it post…
I try not to do this type of thing on a regular basis, because doing that lets me know that I am missing something. That I need to re-evaluate my circumstances and recognize that I am the person to make me happy. But it doesn’t stop me from faking it. It doesn’t stop me from questioning. It doesn’t stop me from doubting. This faking only helps me to make it through the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year.
This one is also a picture of a random fire that popped up in the area we live… Those darn hot days 🙂
When you are your most busy and stressed, take a moment to look up and rejoice! It’s the little things, I love gazing at the clouds and catching an awesome sunset. Which we are rushing out of the house to do now!