my fiance has been together with me for 4 years. she always mentioning that it won’t be possible for her to be together with me if I were too Chinese. Since I have been overseas for 13 years since I was 16, she thinks I have the same wave length of thinking as her. I had few western gfs, and most of them taking “Chineseness” as something very negative. So does that mean thinking and behaving as a total chinese is very unatttractive in the eyes of mainstream western women?
Personally, I don’t really know exactly what your fiancee means by being “too Chinese” — a label that strikes me more as offensive than helpful.
I do know that mainstream Western women don’t always have the best impressions of Chinese men. Just look at the results of Dr. Jiehai Zhang’s study on what Western women think of Chinese men:
The survey shows, according to Western women, the most praiseworthy strengths of Chinese men were categorized as “looking after one’s family,” “willing to spend money on women,” “relatively serious about relationships between men and women;” weaknesses included “not so gentlemanly,” “poor physique, not enough exercise,” “no personality, lacking unique opinions.”
Confidence is often a big issue as well, which Zhang emphasizes in this (poorly translated) China Daily article about why Western women seem to give Chinese men the “cold shoulder.”
But look, it’s not just about Chinese men. Asian men, as a whole, have a hard time dating Western women:
“Creepy can be fixed,” [J.T. Tran] explains to the standing-room-only crowd. “Many guys just don’t realize how to project themselves.” These are the people whom Tran spends his days with, a new batch in a new city every week: nice guys, intelligent guys, motivated guys, who never figured out how to be successful with women. Their mothers had kept them at home to study rather than let them date or socialize.
Obviously, Chinese men have obstacles in their quest for Western women. But as for whether “thinking and behaving as a total Chinese is unattractive,” I am not exactly sure how to answer that. Maybe what your fiancee means, in her own rude sort of way, is that mainstream Western women don’t usually go for very traditional, very conservative Chinese men. And I would actually agree with that, because I’ve always found the more unconventional Chinese men — those willing to take chances, willing to ignore their parents to date/marry me, willing to be a little out of the norm — more interesting and date-worthy.
I don’t know what it is your fiancee doesn’t like about you — but it’s possible to change if you want to. She, however, needs to get specific about what that is, instead of just turning “Chinese” into an insult that she hurls your way.
Personally, I find it a little weird that she’s your fiancee — supposedly committed to marrying you — and yet she threatens to leave if you don’t shape up. Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
What advice do you have for Seborga?
Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture (or Western culture)? Every Friday, I answer questions on my blog. Send me your question today.