I sit here typing early in the morning trying to find the right words to say to share these things deep with my heart. 2014 has been a rough year for me and I learned many things the hard way. Some of these took me months to realize, and some took me years to learn. I want to share these things to you so that you could avoid the mistakes I have made and be a source of encouragement to those who might need them.
1. There is no greater misery than losing God.
To me, 2014 was a year of grief. It was the year I understood my father’s murder and death. You see, I have never cried for him. It never bothered me when I talked to my friends about my father before. But now, it’s all different. Being very young, greatly influenced by movies, miraculous stories, and having never experienced a gunshot wound, I have always thought that my father was pathetic for dying easily. Until that fateful date of March, just a few days after my father’s death anniversary, I discovered the newspaper clippings detailing the murder of my father. That day was unbearable. Reading it felt like I was reading the latest news even though it was 18 years ago. I trembled and wept as I read the newspaper articles that also showed the picture of his fallen body. Everything finally became real to me. His death was no longer a light matter to me. His death was a murder, a cold-blooded murder. For the first time in my life, I wept for him. I became miserable for weeks because there’s no one I could blame. Everybody has already moved on from his death, and I had just began to understand. There was no point in holding on it and I eventually moved on.
2014 was the year my heart was consumed by the poison of unbelief. It started out small, then it seeps through your entire being. My faith was already weakening at the start of 2014. Every month came with a blow to me that gave room for unbelief to grow into me. I hated God and became bitter with God. Eventually, like a bitter ex-lover, I had denied His existence. I know that there is God and that He is God. But I was a mad woman and despite knowing these things I chose to deny His existence. I thought that I could go on living the way I was but I eventually became miserable. Everyday became a chore, nothing could make me happy. I was unhappy and empty and life became meaningless and pointless. Deep within my being wants Him and yearned for Him. Though I deny Him, I kept dreaming about having conversations with Him. The more I denied Him, the more miserable I became.
On the 3rd quarter of 2014, I realized that there is no greater misery than losing God. I didn’t want to go on living and being miserable. I had to go back to the Source of joy and happiness and here I am now regaining the things I lost in 2014. My goal this 2015 is to strengthen my faith on the Lord, rekindle my love for Him, and regain the Christ I lost.
2. Accept that things are not going to become better.
God has been teaching me this lesson for many years now and I have kept myself stubborn from learning. This lesson was the hardest for me to learn and was the reason for my miserable 2014. I have learned and understood for the past few years that things are never going to change but it was very difficult for me to accept that things are not going to become better. It was hard for me to accept that whenever there are problems, it’s never going to be easier than the last problem, but harder! I wanted to have the easy life but God will never give that to me. Life is never made that way. Life is made to become harder as it goes to make you learn to become stronger, smarter, wiser, and whole lot of -ers. If God made life easier, how can we learn to become better? How can we built up the church if we’re just dust, rubble, and twigs? I learned that these things don’t just happen to make my life more unbearable. These things happen for a purpose! He wants to become a better person to become a part of His minerals and precious stones for the building up of His church.
3 & 4. It’s OK to be not OK. It’s OK to cry. Crying is the art of letting go.
For years, I have raised myself like a man with phrases like “Suck it up”, “Don’t cry over spilled milk”, and “____ is not worth crying over” because I don’t want to be weak. I hate being weak and to me crying is a sign of weakness. God had pushed me to my boundaries and kept me struggling not to cry. Being strong and not crying is very tiring because I could not release my pains and frustrations. I kept my feelings bottled up. I remember one time my mom is crying to me and I told her, “Bakit ka umiiyak? Matanda ka na wag kang umiyak! (Why are you crying? You already a grown woman so stop crying!)” I then realized that because of my inability to cry, I had become bitter, cruel, and unsympathetic.
I remember a dear brother in our church told me (though I doubt he remembers it was him who told me), “It’s ok to cry. We’re weak and human.” Talking to him made me feel it’s ok to be not be strong and that it’s ok to be human. “It’s OK to be not OK” was a phrase a dear sister from our church taught me, “as long as we don’t from being not ok”, she would add. Because saying “I’m OK.” is lying to yourself and not giving yourself a chance to let go of the things you’re not ok with. Lastly, here’s my favorite reason why it’s ok to cry:
I know this is shocking but… 5. People need to get married.
I have always thought that I can live with myself and go on living relying on myself. Then, after all that happened last 2014, I realized that people need to get married so that they can share the problems, help each other, and bring each other up. Yes these are all achievable with friends and family but these people can’t always be with you and be there for you because they also have their only lives. Unlike them, your future husband or wife will be tied to you and will share the same life with you. Therefore both of you will have to help each other.
But that is just a realization and not my priority. I still love my independent life and will be keeping myself single for a while.
And that’s it! I hope you didn’t get too tired from reading. I hope I had encouraged some of you. 🙂
Please do share with me what 2014 has taught you.