IGNTV: How often do you hear feedback after these pieces run?
HELMS: From the people that are in them?
HELMS: Never. I'm very insulated. Occasionally people will have something to say, but usually people are pretty happy with it. Even if&#Array;
IGNTV: Just "exposure is exposure"?
HELMS: Even if they look silly, like, they're usually okay with it. Or they realize long before it went to air that they were going to look silly.
IGNTV: So did you sign on?
HELMS: Did I sign on?
IGNTV: Well, in case you get raptured.
HELMS: Oh. I was signed up for it, yes. Which was in case I don't get raptured, I will get an email. In the event that I am not raptured -- which would be insane, 'cause God knows I'm awesome&#Array;
IGNTV: There's no way to get signed up to where if you do get raptured and the piece hasn't run yet, it kind of negates the point of having to run the piece.
HELMS: If you do get raptured, none of it applies to you.
IGNTV: Okay, that's true&#Array;
HELMS: Yeah, it's really flawed. Christianity, um, I don't know&#Array; I don't want to blow your mind, but Christianity has a few inconsistencies.
IGNTV: And was Samantha raptured just because she was Canadian?
HELMS: Yes. And Samantha was raptured because she was available that day. And then Stephen was left behind, with the Mark of the Beast&#Array; And bloody nipples, for no reason.
IGNTV: What other projects do you still want to do?
HELMS: Oh, I'd be excited to be a part of a cool movie. I had an opportunity to do a voice on a Brak episode once and I couldn't do it&#Array;
IGNTV: So they gave it to Steve?
HELMS: Yeah, who knows.
IGNTV: Or was that the one they gave to Lewis Black?
HELMS: Or David Cross. Some a**hole! But I would love to do&#Array; let's see&#Array;
IGNTV: Going on tour with mc chris, with your bluegrass trio?
HELMS: Yep. Get to open for mc chris. Do more of the make 'em up funny audio clips with mc chris.
IGNTV: When you talk about projects like that, obviously utilizing the internet in a way that the internet should be utilized, is that something you would do on your own?
HELMS: Not really. I don't have the&#Array; I don't have the&#Array; energy? After this job, it's like&#Array; this actually takes up so much focus and energy that I really don't do a whole lot outside of this except for standup. I still kinda tour here and there at colleges and&#Array;
IGNTV: Which must be a hard thing to deal with, how little down time the show has.
HELMS: It's incredibly stressful. I'd be like, "Oh, weekend!&#Array; Oh, I'm in Ogalalam, Missouri. S***." At Ogalalam U, or whatever. But Rob and I actually just got back from Telluride&#Array;
IGNTV: Oh, this is Rob's desk.
HELMS: That's Rob's desk.
IGNTV: Ah, that would explain the wine.
HELMS: And did a little comedy festival out there. The Telluride Comedy Festival. Brand new, and that was awesome. It was like ten buddies going out there, and it was all UCB New York, UCB people. Which is how I know mc chris, in that kind of scene years ago. I want to give you something juicy&#Array; How about some good office gossip?
IGNTV: Where's Rob tonight? Is he out on the road? He was here earlier, wasn't he?
HELMS: He was here earlier. That guy punches in at 2 and leaves at 4. Total slacker.
IGNTV: How does he manage it? Just coast through life&#Array;
HELMS: Well, what you have to remember is that Corddry is brain damaged in a way that he doesn't have to&#Array; he has no cognitive ability. So he doesn't remember things. He's very blissful. Kind of&#Array;
IGNTV: Are you sure it isn't some kind of clever ruse that he's been able to maintain all these years?
HELMS: No, it's one of those things that you're like, "Wow, I wish I'd done as many drugs as Rob. So that I could be that brain damaged."
IGNTV: You still could. There's always time.
HELMS: No, there's no way that you can, 'cause he&#Array;
IGNTV: But you have a mentor here that could teach you. And you got a back office. No one walks by.
HELMS: Yeah, this is a pretty hectic little thoroughfare, believe it or not. In the morning&#Array;
IGNTV: That's where Stephen does laps, isn't it?
HELMS: Everybody's writing jokes, which is crazy.
IGNTV: See, again, this whole idea of writers for the show&#Array; Are you sure it's not just off the top of your head, crazy make 'em up?
HELMS: Is that a really surprising factor?
IGNTV: Oh, hell no.
HELMS: The writers really are superfluous. Everything's made up. Everything's improvised. Big improv jam out there.
IGNTV: That's how the book was written.
HELMS: Other cool projects&#Array; I want to open a wood shop. I want to make furniture.
IGNTV: Here in the city?
HELMS: Sure. I don't care where. I want to buy a house in the country.
IGNTV: I hear you got friends over there.
HELMS: Yeah&#Array; Let me give you some good office gossip. Stephen Colbert&#Array; Stephen Colbert&#Array; came in to the office the other day&#Array; with a box full of hamsters&#Array; and I haven't seen any of them in a couple of days&#Array;
IGNTV: Was that the first box he's brought into the office?
IGNTV: So it's not some ritual thing yet&#Array;
HELMS: I don't know&#Array; I don't know nothin'&#Array; Is this going to be an actual audio?
IGNTV: No, it'll be a transcript.
HELMS: Transcribed? Awesome.
IGNTV: So all the pauses will be there, in their full contemplative glory&#Array;
HELMS: I'll try to say some things that are like very&#Array; ambiguous in tone. Like if I were to say, like, um&#Array; oh, man, um&#Array; mc chris is such a dick, you know, but if you were to type that you wouldn't see the fact that I was smiling and laughing while I said that.
IGNTV: But I could put parentheses or some kind of emphatic italics on it.
HELMS: Help me out. Give me something that's very ambiguous in print&#Array; Just something that could be very easily misinterpreted. I want to start a controversy. Um, here's one. Here's a controversy. Rob Corddry has tried to start a bukkake festival in New York.
IGNTV: You're not helping him out on that?
HELMS: No, it's his own thing, and we're all a little concerned about it, 'cause it's kinda twisted..
IGNTV: I'm sure he's blissfully unaware of that. We'll have this little rebuttal section from Rob afterwards.
HELMS: You should. I hate that guy.
IGNTV: That's why they put you two together.
HELMS: Yeah, this is friction city. You're standing in the midst of&#Array;
IGNTV: That's how the comedy gets made&#Array;
HELMS: It's a comedy s***storm right here. Nothing but tension.
IGNTV: This is where the festival begins.
HELMS: It is.
IGNTV: No Jon gossip?
HELMS: Um, you want me to talk s*** about my boss?
IGNTV: No, no... Maybe. You're playing the political game. You're looking to bump off Stephen. Become the new senior correspondent.
HELMS: Yeah, I got my eyes on Stephen Colbert. Stephen is a sweetie pie.
IGNTV: Did he put you in the Strangers with Candy movie?
HELMS: F***ing bastard. No.
IGNTV: Whatever happened to First Time Caller? Did that come out at all?
HELMS: No, not gonna sell. I don't think it's gonna get bought. But I, Fred Willard, Chris Elliot, Mo Rocca are cameos, and I think I make Fred Willard and Chris Elliot look like amateurs.
IGNTV: At this point, how could you not?
HELMS: I don't mean to brag, but I'm f***in' awesome. Is that bragging?
IGNTV: No, no one will think so. Bragging would be if you said that they're s*** and you're awesome.
HELMS: No, no&#Array; don't get me wrong -- they're pretty good.
IGNTV: You're not denigrating them while you're elevating yourself. Although I guess you would essentially be denigrating them by elevating yourself. You're not coming out and saying it, I did&#Array;
HELMS: Well, there you go. Print that.