My moment of regret seemed to be the thing that got me thinking about sexism and feminism, even though the relation between my moment of regret and sexism/feminism isn't really totally relatable. It was in English class towards the beginning of the year. We'd been reading The Kite Runner (and actually still are) and we were discussing the most recent chapter we'd read: the chapter where Hassan is raped. I'd been furious at Amir for standing there, watching his best friend get raped, and then running away and leaving Hassan behind.
When I'd walked into the classroom, kids were already in heated discussions about the books recent events and I quickly joined in on the various debates. When my teacher finally quieted us and we all began a more organized discussion, one of my friends pointed out how he felt it was easier to stand up for people the less extreme the situation, and I quickly disagreed. I said the more extreme the situations were, the easier it was to stand up for the victim because the consequence wouldn't just be a bruised ego, but possibly physical and emotional scarring, such as depression or thoughts of suicide or a trip to the hospital because some kid pushed you down the stairs. I wasn't saying one sort of bullying should be ignored, but I was saying that if I'd seen a person getting raped, I would have done something to help them rather than watching it happen and running away when I couldn't watch it anymore.
My teacher then told me I didn't know what I would do in the situation because I hadn't experienced anything like that, and then a bunch of my classmates quickly joined in, saying I would protect myself first or they agreed with my teacher. My teacher then shot a bunch of questions my way, like "Would you still try to save the victim of a rape if you knew they had raped another person just the other day?" or "How can you say you would help the victim? You've never been in a situation like that. You don't know how you would react.'' He was right. I'd never been in a situation like that, but he was also wrong, because I know myself better than a teacher I see an hour a day and some kids I've only met this year, and I know that I'd risk my life to save someone else. I may be overreacting, but I hated how my teacher and everyone else was making assumptions about who I was as a person, and what I regret most is not targeting the question back at my teacher, "Well, what would you do? If you saw a person getting raped, would you just run away? Or would you do something. Whether that be call the police, run in and try to stop the rapist, make it sound like people were coming over there. Or would you just stand there or pretend you didn't see anything? I have a feel you wouldn't runaway. So how come it would be any different for me? Because I'm a girl? Because I'm only 15?" But I didn't, because I was caught off guard, and although all those questions were floating subconsciously through my mind, I was unable to grasp onto them until class had ended.
I knew my teacher was only trying to push me to think deeper about the book, but I also felt assumptions were being made about me based on my gender and age and that bothered me. I'm sure these "assumptions" weren't even intentional, or possibly not even existent, but I still felt like my character was being judged based on the fact that I was a young female teenager, rather than what I was on the inside. This is what really pushed me to start thinking more seriously about sexism and feminism, even though I knew the people in my class weren't being sexist, misogynist, or chauvinist at all.
I started to think a lot about how woman are seen in society and how they are objectified and portrayed as weak, stupid, and helpless. I then googled "Feminism" and started reading.
I personally believe that in order to be a feminist, you have to respect yourself. You can't objectify yourself, but you also need to do things that make YOU feel good and do things for yourself, not for others, which is where it gets kind of confusing. If you like wearing low cut tops and super short skirts, are you objectifying yourself? I don't think you are as long as you're wearing that because YOU like it and it makes YOU feel good and you're not doing it to get the attention of the guy/girl you like, or to gain a feeling of social acceptance. If you wear makeup because you are scared some person at school is going to make fun of the scar on your face or your acne but you really don't like makeup, you're allowing society to objectify and influence you negatively because you are sending the message that you're only as good as your exterior, rather than all the intelligence and creativity that makes you such a great person inside. It's okay to want to feel pretty and to like your face but you need to dress and treat yourself in a way that makes YOU happy rather than focusing on what other people are going to think of you or whether they are going to judge you.
Feminism is about striving for equal rights between men and woman, but to me it's also about preventing the objectification of woman within society. That means treating YOURSELF as a person who has depth and fulfilling your own interests rather than trying to please others or stopping yourself from wearing that really awesome new skirt because you're scared one of your friends will say something rude about it, or not signing up for the debate team because you think people will call you names. You need to please yourself rather than try to morph yourself into what you think others want you to be. I'm not really sure if all my rambling is making sense, but hopefully it does because writing all that took a lot of energy and I really wanted to try and prove my point.
I feel like sometimes people think I care too much about appearances because I like getting dressed in the morning and I wear a lot of eye makeup, but I don't wear crazy outfits to impress others, I wear them because I like them and to me it's fun to experiment with new styles. I wear a lot of eye makeup because I like how it looks. That doesn't mean I don't like my face, it just means I like expressing myself with the clothes and makeup I wear. Maybe I'm objectifying myself because of that, and maybe now that means everything I wrote is just a huge contradiction, but I wear and do the activities I want for ME, not so I can gain the acceptance of others, but so I can be and express myself in my own way.
So hopefully you read all that and it all made sense, and now here is the outfit I wore on Friday. It was kind of crazy and I was told I looked very 80's and "Madonna-esque," which made me feel super awesome considering I fricken love Madonna and the 80's.
(click the photo for a larger view)
H&M floral skirt, thrifted lace top, Cotton On floral shoes, Lady Gaga t-shirt from the concert, necklace was a gift-company unknown. Socks from Forever 21.