We're a little bit on edge about today's Supreme Court decision upholding the ban on dilation and extraction—or, as it has become commonly known, partial-birth abortion—but we know that laughter is the only way to heal the hurt. Or at least, partial laughter. To that end, we looked to the Fox News Red Eye host and humanitarian Greg Gutfeld, whose look at the lighter side of abortion has given us so many chuckles over the years. Some of Greg's jokes needed a few tweaks for relevance, but we think you'll find yourself having a few yuks either way! Or not—it's your choice. For now.
A fetus wakes up one morning only to realize he's in the process of being partial-birth aborted. The fetus looks at the doctor and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The doctor turns to the patient and says, "Don't worry, not all of them are this partially stupid."
A man finds a fetus on a park bench, crying, and asks "What's the matter?" The fetus responds, "I just got partial-birth aborted!" "That's terrible," says the man, "but it could be worse. If you were born you'd probably end up fighting a war you partially don't support in Iraq."
Girl: Did I ever tell you about the worst partial-birth abortion I ever had?
Girl: It was partially great!
You'll partially never know!
A woman and her fetus were walking into a clinic. "I'm scared," said the fetus.
The woman replies: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here having undergone a dilation and extraction!"
Why did the fetus cross the road?
To get to the other side. Partially.
A daughter goes up to her mother and says, "Mom can I have $300 for a partial-birth abortion?"
"Sure," says the mom. "Dilate my purse and extract $300 from it."