Dear Future Husband,
Most women wouldn’t write this letter in fear of it coming off as “I don’t love you,” but to me, I think it’s the biggest sign of love when we are the most open and vulnerable about our thoughts and feelings. While I don’t know how you’d take this, it’s a future husband letter for a reason, which means you’d probably read it after we are married, but due to it being a letter shared to the entire world wide internet, who knows who will read it at this point.
However, that’s besides the point, for this letter will be one of the most honest ones I will ever write, and though I say that often in my many journals, this one is going to be one that even you might be surprised that I’d write. When you read all the letters I have written over the span of seven years, you might be shocked to see this one on the internet rather than in my journals, but I think other women need to learn this lesson, and so I am making it a public letter to hopefully be a beacon of light for other women to be inspired by.
Furthermore, I think it’s time you truly hear the words I am going to say, for the woman I was is no longer the woman I am today.
I love you, but I don’t need you.
I love you with all of my heart and would die for you if it meant you living, but I don’t need you.
I would marry you tomorrow even if I don’t know who you are with the biggest smile on my face, but again, I don’t “need you.”
Do I want you? Yes, I ever so want you, but in the end, do I need you to be fully happy, fully satisfied, and fully loved? The answer is no. I know that might sound harsh, and forgive me if it comes off as arrogant, but I’ve gone through things that I at one point thought I would never survive, but through those things, I have learned that the only person I truly need is the Lord. Therefore, I no longer look towards you to be the one to bring my full happiness, I no longer look for you to be the one who makes me fulfilled, and I no longer look to glorify God only in marriage, but I look to Him; the one who first loved.
You see, I was tired of being a woman who chased love just to get herself at the same dead end, for in the end, that isn’t what the Lord wants for me. No, I am not shutting my heart off or putting up walls, for I’d marry you tomorrow with no questions asked, but what I am saying is that the woman I am right at this very second isn’t the woman I was a year ago or even at the beginning of the year.
The woman you deserve isn’t the woman I was, for the woman I was allowed her joy to be dependent on her circumstances rather than in the Lord. The woman you deserve is not a woman who views singleness as a sickness that needs to be healed with marriage, but the woman you deserve is a woman who finds full contentment in Christ even in singleness. Therefore, truthfully, The woman I “was” wasn’t worthy of being your wife, but the woman I am now, is the woman I hope is worthy, for I no longer need you, but I want you.
Back in April, the Lord confronted me one evening and told me that I needed to seek Him more rather than fully seeking the temporary joys that only brought some satisfaction, which I took to heart. Therefore, on April 23rd, 2020, I fell more deeper in love of Christ as I wept at the throne, for I was tired of allowing my joy to be taken, tired of trying to write a love story that only God himself could write, and I was tried to trying to control the future, for I am not God, and only God is good at being God.
I was so worried about how my future would go, how things would happens and when things would happen, that I was forgetting about the One who had all things in His hands; Jesus. While I ever so loved the Lord before, I could have loved Him more if I trusted him, which made me falter in His faithfulness. However, back in April after being confronted by the Lord, I wrote a note to you in a journal that said “While I love you, I am letting you go to seek Him, and this is my journey.”
Since writing that note, I have found a new love for Christ that I never had before that has brought full contentment in His presence. Since writing that note, I have also found a deeper love for you as I realize how loved we are by the Lord, which makes me want to ever so love as He has loved us. Since writing that note, I no longer worry about the future, but I am happy with simply being in His presence. Most importantly, since writing that note, I have given over the pen to my love life to the Lord, and I no longer control what will or will not happen.
The woman who used to be, was a woman who so desperately chased love even though she never dated. I would always be looking in the pews, wondering if you were in the same area, and hating singleness all the while, which was the wrong mentality. I wasn’t ready to be a wife with at mentality, and when I look back on the woman I was, I am so glad that you didn’t see her, bur rather you are able to see the woman I have become.
In the end, if I want to be a godly wife, I had to fall in love with the Lord first, which is what I have done, and the love I have experienced from the Lord has been ever so tender as I have tasted of the sweeter song. The sweeter song is not a new season or a new horizon, but the sweeter song is Jesus; the One we should surrender to in His presence.
Do I still want to be your wife? Yes.
Am I forsaking marriage? No, for to do such a thing is morbid.
But do I depend on you to be my full source of happiness? No, for only the Lord can fill the void with His living water.
In the end, even if you didn’t want to marry me after reading these words, I would still be content in Christ, for I trust Him and His faithfulness above all things. His faithfulness has been shown to me time and time again, and while I doubted Him for a short time, I have found His tender goodness to be ever so faithful to me even in the bleakest wilderness that threatens to suck the joy from my bones.
In the end, the woman I want you to see isn’t a woman who views singleness as a sickness or who is always looking for her future man, but the woman I want you to see is a woman who is in full surrender before the throne who is hidden within His presence. His presence, His beautiful and glorious presence, is where I want you to find me, not in fear of the future and what it may pertain.
The woman you will marry is a woman who will truly be able to love as Christ, for He is the one I need more than you, the one I love more than you, and the one I glorify above all else. Until we are able to fully love and be in full content in Christ with nothing to our name, will never be able to love another person as He did for us, for even in Christ’s most desolate and lonely moments, He still fully loved and selflessly loved as He gave His life so that we may live.
Therefore, to my future husband, I love you, but I don’t need you, but though I don’t need you, I ever so want you. The woman you will marry no longer views singleness as a curse, but the woman you will marry is a woman ever so in love with the Lord as she is hidden in the presence of God as she trusts Him and His prefect timing.
That is the woman I am now and that is the woman you shall marry, and the woman I once was will never be again, for I have tasted of the sweeter song; the sweeter song that brings forth full satisfaction in His name alone.
Your future wife,