When I was in second or third grade, our school (the lower grades) put on the play "Sleeping Beauty." I was offered the part of the witch in the play. I was excited about it because that was a really good, significant part, much better than being a tree or a stagehand or something. But then my mother told me that one of the teachers directing the play told her they offered me that part because they knew I wouldn't complain about being the witch. It kind of took the thrill away from it. Oh, so I shouldn't be happy about being the witch? I should want to be Sleeping Beauty? It turned out, she was played by a very good friend of mine who had lovely long red hair. I wasn't envious of her for playing the main role, but I felt somehow cheated. It was because I was so docile and people-pleasing that I got the witch part. Kind of ironic.
That feeling comes up sometimes like a bad rash when I face certain relationship things, like when I make plans with a friend and she tries to rearrange them to accommodate someone else. I start seeing myself as the one who will bend, the one who will put my ego aside. I know this is a good thing, but sometimes I get mad when people expect it. It's back to the docile witch. No! I won't!
Recently I agreed to go to court with a friend if she needed support. But now the time has come and I'm seeing it as an invasion of my time (it means a trip to Boston, possibly and all day and into the evening thing? and she wants to stop at a Whole Foods on the way back). I have to be true to my word though, so I'm making an effort to go (giving up my early morning class that I loved last week). I need to just suck it up and stop feeling resentful, make the best of it, possibly take my laptop along and find a place with wi-fi, because it turns out she doesn't necessarily want me to go into the courtroom with her, just wants company on the ride, moral support, etc. She doesn't want me to go in the courtroom with her because she wants the person she's suing to view her as "strong." Whatever, as they say.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Here's a picture from last summer, when I visited my cousin in Maryland we went to a special botanical garden and they had these awesome trumpet flowers. Just to set the mood.
I'm trying to keep up with my daily practice and to that end today I went to an early morning Hatha yoga class at the studio where I teach Kundalini yoga. Sometimes we find something that fits us so well, that answers such a need in ourselves so perfectly that we shut ourselves off to other methods or pathways. I have not ever experienced the results I seem to get from Kundalini yoga in other types of yoga classes (although, to be honest here, I haven't tried a lot of other types except for Hatha and "Power" yoga). But I loved the idea of getting up early for a class (and I get the class free). And I went with an open mind. The teacher, Eileen, is a very soothing presence. I feel like I learned a lot about my body in that class, and I was made aware of my need to improve in the balance aspect of the asanas. There's so much I don't know, and learning other forms can only enhance what I do know. So I feel like I entered the day in a good way, open minded, open hearted (if that can be a word). Now I'm at the computer, chipping away at my work, but I think I will go to the beach today and enjoy some sun.
Yogi Bhajan said the mantra for the Aquarian Age was "Keep Up" and added, "and you'll be kept up." I am letting go and turning more of my life over to a higher power, whatever that is. I have to trust, but I also have to use my head to take steps to improve my life and live my destiny.