Hi Anons, could you critique my poetry? I’m sorry if this thread is agains /lit/ rules and i skipped over something.



Part 1 “Them”



1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…

A brightness in a crisp cold night nearing winter

She didn’t seem one bit fazed by my existence

Like a bullet, it hit me 

She assured me it would be okay

And I felt a feeling unlike anything else

Safety

Tranquility

Null.



Safety is off…

I couldn’t fully understand yet

But when I finally processed it all

The exit wound did not just show on my brain

But also, my heart

Finally understanding my wish to live

This brightness is the only one who can control me

Not as a subordinate

But in a way she doesn’t even know

It is almost if I am bound to her out of pure coincidence



Click…

But the happiness will one day subside

She distances herself little by little

Though it is not my choice how she lives

It hurts nonetheless



Click-Click-Click…

That I

I have caused my own downfall

I am a sort of cancer

A pestilence which must be stomped out

Every time I build something

I only burn it down the ground

Worse and worse each time

For the brightness must despise me

Wishing I never intervened with her existence



Damn it all, it’s jammed…

One day may I articulate my feelings, but until then I am only ensnared

Ensnared in the barbed wire which covers my heart

The same wire which strings up those

Unlucky enough to meet me

Unlucky enough to fall for my kindness



One more time…

I am not a monster

But I am—

Bang!



Part 2 “Brightness”



This is my formal goodbye brightness.

I had fun while it lasted, but its time to accept the truth.

It was destined to go horribly, especially considering who I am.

Although, there is no point in being childish now.



Let me highlight some of the good times first.

You saved me, from a fate I was not sure of.

You gave me hope, hope that maybe I wasn’t alone.



And I can only wish you’ll understand.

For I cannot articulate fully, 

How much you’ve helped me.



Not just me, but possibly created a chain reaction, 

In which good is passed from one person to another

And one day, may that goodness return to you.



We may have different opinions concerning each other

But you made my world complete in many ways you might not even understand.

So please don’t take this the wrong way.



I wish I could’ve been better. For both our sakes.

>>21926339 (OP)

>doesn't even know

how about 'does not know' or something entirely different like can not comprehend. 

>sort of cancer

wording feels weird why not "i am a human cancer" 

>worse and worse

you can't burn something down to the ground worse. why not faster and faster

>ensnared twice in a row

 gtg

Thanks anon. Some of these things ill consider. If you see repeats, they are actually where a comma is supposed to go. Its to kind of split an idea so i can describe it more.
