text: I've read the Old Testament in its entirety nine times, and the New Testament eight times.  I continue to research its meanings according to its original languages (mostly Hebrew and Aramaic because they're Semitic languages like Arabic and therefore easier to follow.  Not so much the Greek, but I dabble at that, too).  So by all means, feel free to step up and impress us with your scriptural 'knowledge'.  You haven't done a bang-up job of that so far (typing in caps doesn't count).
  
  All the absurdities you mention are indeed in biblical scripture, and the history of the New Testament's development in particular is just as absurd.  There are also very worthwhile, and very moving, moral and spiritual teachings in certain parts of the bible.  Perhaps when you're a little older you'll be able to open it up again and appreciate them.
  
  (I admit I feel kinda weird, as a Muslim, defending the Christians' book, but brash willful ignorance, while excusable in the young, should be corrected).