Am I in some alternate universe!  The man is nearly 90 years old with a new wife and tons of kids and grandkids and you're willing to fight for his continuance in his role as deacon.  The man knew what he was doing.  The insensitive pastor is no real surprise.  So, ignore him.  It's your willingness to take on the church over this that puzzles me.  Is this some kind of male thing?  Me thinks thou doth protest too much.  I'd hope your passions would extend to women as deacons in an equal measure.  And, yes, I am quite "freaking" serious.