I struggled first for years with anxiety that I couldn't live up to the standards of the institutional church, and after awakening from that, with anger that the church isn't living up to my standards.  A wise advisor pointed out that I was being a bit perfectionistic to expect it all to fit together seamlessly, on my terms.  I had to laugh because he nailed it!  Perfectionism is one of my worst faults! This relationship between my individual experience of God, and the collective understanding of God that we call religion, is bound to be messy and confusing at times.  I have found peace by accepting the incongruities, having patience with the unknowing, the cognitive dissonance, that is part of an adult faith life.  Acceptance, sitting with the uncertainty and lack of resolution, trusting that God is there despite the confusion, is my definition of faith.