"We don't even know if Jesus actually said these things, and if he did, we can't be certain what he meant." I mean sure. If you don't have faith that Sacred Scripture is divinely revealed, I'm not gonna argue with you. That depends on your personal act of Faith.  

"You didn't say 'I think this is what Christ meant.' You said, 'This is what Christ meant.' How about a little epistemological humility?" Remember when you would start every sentence of a school paper with "I think..." and you teacher said its already implied you don't need to mention it every time. Its obviously implied what I expressed is my view of the matter. However, I am not a relativist/skeptic who thinks everyone has their own opinions and no one can make claims on whats true. I am making a claim about the passage and what it means. It is obviously my view and anyone is welcome to challenge it.

"The story of Mary and Martha could be eschatological..." Sure, there are many ways you can interpret a single passage