BREAKING: The news is reporting that the two women were fighting over a bag of betelnut when one summoned her radioactive superhuman strength, grabbed the other by her flower skirt and football jersey and threw her through the van window. The victim was hit so hard by the van that nothing but a few gold teeth, a half empty can of Mickey's Malt Liquor and an EBT card was left on the scene. Police are searching for a third Chukeese woman who may have played a role in instigating the betelnut brouhaha, but are having difficulties identifying her as they all look the same.

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