In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.

Text: i'll tell you right off the bat: if you don't know **for certain** how babies enter the world, consider this your **spoiler alert!**

when i was ten years old, daddy knocked mommy up for the 5th time.  another brother!?  yes, please!

about 8 months into the pregnancy, my mom approaches me and asks if i'd like to be present for the birth.  hell yes, i respond, i'm all about science!  up to this point in my life, i was under the distinct impression that all babies were birthed via c-section, so i'm pumped.  for the next few weeks, i am a damn angel; i knew i had been chosen because my parents deemed me "mature enough" to handle a surgery, and i did not want that free pass to babytown revoked.  

fast forward to new year's eve, 1996.  mom is in the hospital, and we are waiting.  no biggie, i got my "i can draw dinosaurs" book, a fat stack of blank printer paper, and a handful of power rangers pencils.

i'm on my second triceratops when things start to heat up.  a nurse hands me a little facemask and some latex gloves.  i snap them on and throw her a wink that would make ellen degeneres weak in the knees.  i'm all business now.  i move up to stand beside my mother, but another nurse pulls me back and tells me to stand closer to her feet, behind the...doctor...

her legs are spreading...

this can't...be..right...

**abort!  abort!**

within thirty seconds i'm fumbling for the eject button, but it's too late.  before i can pray for promethean goggles, i'm staring straight down the barrel of mom's baby cannon.  "push!" they urge.  "eat shit and die!" mom screams.  now they're going full ham sandwich.  the doctor is reaching into her cheese factory and i view hell in all its terrible glory, bathed in vernix and the blood of innocents.

within five minutes it was all over.  the nurses let me poke the placenta with my gloved fingers, but not even that could console me.  i was dead inside.

 

edit: fixed a word.

edit 2: thanks for the gold and the bitcoin tip, you glorious bastards!

edit 3: i'm trying to convince my mom to come and add her version of the story, but she's not feeling it. i'll keep working on her though.

edit 4: i got an audio clip of me and her talking about the experience on my phone. headed home now to upload.

edit 5: **op delivers**.  here's a short [audio clip](http://www.chirbit.com/lustyhitler) where i ask my mom a few questions about the story.
got punk'd by mommy.

Text: this one actually happened today, maybe four hours ago to be precise. my girlfriend and i have a very healthy sexual relationship. we're both open to trying things at least once and love to experiment with new ways of getting each other off. 

one request i've always had but has never worked is the infamous alarm cock blowjob. she's open to the idea but i'm such a light sleeper any alarm she sets just ruins the surprise aspect. low and behold this morning she woke up before me naturally. 

she starts getting frisky while i'm deep in the dream cycle of sleep. as she starts fondling the boys and going to town i find myself 'waking up' naked in a camping store, full of customers. one old man in particular saw something funny going on under the blanket and died laughing. 

panic mode sets in and as i look down i see that i'm no longer wearing my regular shoes. i have an army boot on one foot and powerlace nikes on the other. frantically i begin searching the camping store for my shoes. when that fails i at decide i at least need to find one that matches one of the two i'm already wearing. they are nowhere to be found and i'm far too broke to buy new boots and a pair of powerlace nikes. somewhere around here the panic hits a peak and i actually wake up, jump out of bed screaming i have to find my shoes. 

the girlfriend is utterly confused and a little miffed at the result of her very generous sexual favor. she died laughing when i explained though.

 
ruined my first real chance at a longstanding sexual fantasy by unnecessarily panicking about shoes. i gusss call me suzan now.


Text: after a month of saving up to pay a super speeder ticket, i was finally out of debt (with *only* 6 points on my record... sigh) and had some money to spend. first thing that was on my list was an oil change and radiator hose fix for my 92 honda prelude. 

so i arrive to the auto parts store and explain to the guy what i need. he's dumbfounded by the way that i create my sentences and so i go to show him. pop my hood, point to where the bad hose is and all is looking good for my baby. like all cars, the hood had to be held up by a steel rod. my car came with the rod unbolted from the engine bay and just sits in the trunk instead. my fuck up was laying it on top of the latch that secures the hood down just so that i could go in and pay for the oil and hose quickly instead of fully closing it first. you'd expect someone to remember shit like that but nope, not me.

i come out of the store feeling like a million bucks because my car was going to get some loving care. right away i pull off onto the road. about a mile down, just like a scene from gta: san andreas, the hood of my car peels right the fuck off and lands on the side walk. there were 2 guys walking by and they were laughing their asses off at my misfortune. 

of course i do a speedy u-turn and go back to pick up what was rightfully mine. the hinges on the side were torn to hell but i still attempted to set the hood on top hoping there was some way to hold it down. and there was! the latch on the front still locked the hood down like it should have in the first place. when i get home, my mom is freaking out asking me what happened. ashamed of the my own fuck up, i tell her that i ran into a deer. 

good news is my car got its oil changed and hose fixed.

went to store for oil change and hose fix, forgot to properly lock down my hood, it peels off on the road.

