Critics are panning the made-for-television movie about Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding that airs on Lifetime on April 18 and in the U.K. on April 24. But they still think it’ll be a huge hit. 
  
 The U.K. Guardian's Stephen Bates writes that it's "so bad it's awful, toe-curlingly, teeth-furringly, pillow-bitingly ghastly." 
  
 “There are movies so bad that they transcend awfulness. Ed Wood's Plan 9 from Outer Space and Glen or Glenda? perhaps, or Troll 2. And then there is William and Kate: The Movie,” he says. “You begin to wonder what the happy young couple have done to deserve this. It will probably be a smash.” 
  
 Rushed together ahead of their April 29 wedding, the movie chronicles Prince William (Nico Evers-Swindell) and Kate Middleton’s (Camilla Luddington) romance at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. It was directed by Mark Rosman and produced in the five months since the couple announced last November they would wed. A collector's edition DVD will be released after by Revolver Films. 
  
 The Guardian also notes all the inaccuracies with the movie being shot mostly around Los Angeles -- such as "mountains in the backdrop to a pheasant shoot in Gloucestershire, buses driving on the right in London, the Middletons' modern house transformed into a Californian Tudor mansion and the famous dragon boat race training that Kate Middleton once undertook on the Thames at Chiswick being transposed to the High Sierra." 
  
 Dialogue also includes lines from Prince Harry (Justin Hanlon) like, "I say, Wills. I am not the heir. I am just the spare." 
  
  
  
 London Evening Standard critic Richard Godwin writes that it’s a “classic,” adding that, "critics in America have panned this movie as a cheesy chick-flick, but there are positives. It is recognizably a film, in that it takes place on a screen. Events run in a forward direction." 
  
 "It is hard to pick a favorite scene," he goes on. "Is it the fashion show ('Is that Kate? She's hot')? Wills karaoke-ing Kate into forgiving him? If it had to be one, it would be where Kate leaps from her dragon boat, front-crawls over to the watching Wills and gives him a big [kiss]." 
  
 Networks are planning hundreds of hours of programming to commemorate the wedding. ||||| Photo: Lifetime 
  
 Photo: Lifetime 
  
 William & Kate (tonight, 9 p.m.), the Lifetime Original movie based on the relationship between Prince William and his bride-to-be Kate Middleton, has not been met with the kindest reviews. Admittedly, the movie has some problems: bad Scottish music, bedazzled fedoras, upskirt photos, and quite possibly the cringiest karaoke performance ever committed to film. Then, of course, there is the dialogue. To be fair, as you are aware from the headline, this is a Lifetime movie! About a royal wedding! We expect nothing less than painfully cheesy, unnatural romantic drivel — and on that front, Vulture can report that William & Kate delivers big-time. To put it in terms that royal watchers will understand: This is a movie that makes The Prince and Me look like The Lion in Winter. In a way, this is an achievement, and so to honor Lifetime’s unapologetic commitment to the Modern Fairy Tale experience, we now present the best (of the worst) mushy lines from William & Kate. Take notes — this is how the Royals do it. 
  
 Kate: “So who’s your favorite artist?” 
  
 William: “I like Monet and Cezanne. I like the way they play with light.” 
  
 [A phone call from the Royal Jet.] 
  
 William: Did you always know what you wanted to do with your life? 
  
 Kate: Yes. When I was 5 years old, I wanted to be a train conductor, and then when I was 11, I wanted to be a professional football player. 
  
 William: And none of that worked out? 
  
 Kate: Sadly, no. What about you? 
  
 William: My life was planned for me before I was even born. 
  
 [At the infamous fashion show.] 
  
 Ian, a friend: She’s hot. 
  
 William: She’s hot. 
  
 Ian: That’s what I just said. 
  
 William: Well, it’s worth repeating. 
  
 Olivia, a friend: “Why do they all keep staring at him?” 
  
 Kate’s old boyfriend: “They’re curious. Maybe he’ll drop his drawers and give us a royal moon.” 
  
 [In bed.] 
  
 William: Class starts in half an hour. 
  
 Kate: No, ring them and have it changed. 
  
 William: I don’t think they’ll listen to me. 
  
 Kate: They have to. You’re going to run the country one day. 
  
 TV: Clarence House issued a statement today regarding Prince William’s 21st birthday party. The Palace says, “Jecca Craig is an old friend of Prince William’s and nothing more.” 
  
 Olivia: You know he did that for you. He never releases statements about his private life. 
  
 Kate: You’re supposed to be studying. 
  
 William: I am. I’m studying you. 
  
 William: I love you. 
  
 Kate: You do? I love you, too. I love private you, I love public you, and I love you that no one gets to see but me. 
  
 And a bonus insight on Royal etiquette: 
  
 Lady-in-Waiting: Noo! Keep your legs firmly together. You swing them out the door and plant them firmly on the ground. One must never allow one’s legs to part even for a brief moment, as there is most likely a photographer with a long lens waiting to snap a picture of your undergarments. Assuming, of course, you wear undergarments. So many young girls these days seem to have no shame. 
  
 Kate: I can assure you I do wear undergarments. ||||| I often feel guilt when I assign a story. This is partly a function of being a woman who would, if she had her way, please and comfort her entire universe of acquaintances, and partly a function of having been convinced at a relatively young age by the argument that Janet Malcolm famously made in The Journalist and the Murderer: “Every journalist who is not too stupid or full of himself to notice what is going on knows that what he does is morally indefensible.” 
  
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Write a summary.
– It's exciting enough that she's becoming a princess, but this news is sure to make Kate Middleton's day even brighter: On April 29, she will become not just a royal, but the third most beautiful royal in history—in the entire world. She scored 84% in a recent poll, bumping her just ahead of Princess Diana, who scored 82%. Who's ahead of her? Princess Grace of Monaco at 91% and Queen Rania of Jordan at 90%, the Telegraph reports. But Middleton will be marrying beneath her rank: Prince William is just the fifth most handsome on the male side, with his brother Harry coming in fourth. (Somehow, their father managed to snag the 10th place spot.) In other semi-royal news, Lifetime's William & Kate debuted last night to less-than-stellar reviews. New York offers up the eight cheesiest lines from the movie, while Gawker has what it touts as the worst scene.