If you turned on the TV towards the end of 2002 you could have been forgiven for thinking that Britain had gone absolutely horseshit mental. Every week, it seemed, another pretty young girl from a nice family, who was happy and popular and always did well at school, was being kidnapped or murdered by what the Sun newspaper cheerfully termed 'evil paedo scum'. Naming and shaming was as popular a feature in the Murdoch press as Page Three girls and discounted holidays to Butlin's. Of course you can't blame parents for wanting to keep their children safe; that's pretty much the job description of a parent. And, on the face of it, the tabloids were doing a public service in warning us about the paedophile menace lurking in our midst. The problem came when it turned out that a huge number of these concerned tabloid-reading parents were also absolute fucking morons. For every story of an actual sex offender being driven from their house by a baying mob there was one like that of Dr Yvette Cloete, a doctor at the Royal Gwent Hospital in Newport, South Wales, who returned home from work to find that a group of 'concerned parents' had daubed the word 'paedo' on her front door in bright red paint. Dr Cloete was a consultant paediatrician. Easy mistake. If you're an absolute fucking moron. And so it was that one hung-over morning, after reading yet another story about vigilantes who had threatened to stone Maxine Carr, the girlfriend of Soham killer Ian Huntley, to death during her high-profile trial for perverting the course of justice, I decided to set up a website parodying this collective national madness. The result of two or three hours of hung-over labour was thinkofthechildren.co.uk, a spoof campaign site which claimed to offer a handy online guide for crazy vigilantes of all stripes to co-ordinate their crazy vigilante efforts. Although there are a few parts of the site I'm still a bit proud of, the majority of it was, I freely admit, satire of the lowest order. Question: What is probably true about Yvette Cloete? === The answer to the above question is

Answer: Her job often requires her to physically examine children.


That fall came and I went back to Michigan and the school year went by and summer came and I never really thought about it. I'm not even sure if I was officially asked, I just wound up heading back to New Jersey when school was out. I think my parents thought it was a good enough deal. They were already having some problems and without Nonna there anymore to take care of me I think my cousin's house on the coast seemed like as good a spot as any to stick me for the summer. It certainly wasn't because of any great love between me and my cousin. We weren't really very good friends at that point. I think she saw me as sort of foisted off on her and getting in the way of her summers. Which was a fair enough judgment. But she could have been nicer. It's pretty amazing that she wound up as my Maid of Honor. Time does strange things. Your lovable jack-ass of a father would mention something about magic in here. You know if you took a group of fifty strangers, had them chat with your father for half an hour then with me for half an hour, then told them that one of us was an English Professor and one of us was head of distribution in the northeast for a large soft drink manufacturing concern, I'm pretty sure all fifty would peg your father as the English Professor and me as the head of distribution. He's honestly so good at what he does that I can almost allow him to claim it's magic except that it'd be nice if he took credit for some of the things he's done with his life. Of course he has this idea that he deserves credit for all sorts of things that he had no control over. Like our first kiss. Question: The author believes that their cousin: === The answer to the above question is

Answer: could have been nicer


Yes, absolutely. And if you are experiencing that right now, I’m so sorry for you, but it gets better. Hear me out. I was once dating this girl from college who showed genuine interest in me and for that and many other reasons, I really liked her. Well, you could say I loved her. We had been together for a week. One day, we went on a trip. It was all fun and games and laughing. I had the best time of my life. We were walking on the beach of a lake during sunset. We were talking and suddenly, I felt her tone getting more and more depressed. At some point, she concluded that “we need to take a break.” Trying to understand her arguments for that, the break turned into a breakup. Now, one-week-into-a-relationship-with-awesome-girl me couldn’t handle this sudden change of affairs. I spent weeks reliving this day, especially the conversation on the beach, and trying to figure out where it went wrong. I even got into an episode of mania. Having to see her every day in college was torture. It was probably the worst breakup in my life. I seriously considered transferring to another university. Several weeks into the breakup, I decided, with the aid of my friends, that I have to move on. To be honest, I relapsed a lot. One time, I actually sat down with her and said I still have feelings for her. What really helped me to get out of this was the thing I hated the most at that time: taking a break. I avoided her, in real life and on social media, and eventually, I forgot that she even existed. I developed new hobbies and made new friends. Now, I healed properly and we’re back to being friends (Yes, it’s possible to stay friends with your ex). It was a bad experience to live through indeed, but it really changed me into a more stable, more productive person. In a way, I’m thankful to this girl for who I am today. Stay strong! Question: What is most likely true about him? === The answer to the above question is

Answer: He is good at seeing the light in situations.


Yes; I have a rare form of cluster/ice pick headaches that can affect any part of my body. It’s quite uncommon, but essentially I can get an excruciating migraine in my arm, leg, etc., on top of getting them in my head/temples. For years my family and I had no idea what was happening, and with no vocabulary to properly explain what was happening, I described it for about fifteen years as “beeping.” Doctors told us it was anything from growth spurts to a grab for attention, and for a while I gave up trying to figure out what they were. When they got worse and I couldn’t ignore them anymore, I was finally sent to a neurologist, who diagnosed me with ice pick headaches. I let out a sigh of relief that I didn’t even know I was holding in; I felt like I could finally breathe. Years of stress and confusion washed off of me, and I started taking a beta blocker to prevent them. I’ve been on them for a few years now, and it’s changed my life for the better. I used to be terrified of learning to drive, for many reasons, but a large one being that if I got an ice pick headache on the road, I couldn’t guarantee the safety of those around me if I was at the wheel. Now I’m considering finally getting my license (considering - I still don’t like being behind the wheel), I don’t double over in white hot pain randomly anymore, and when I do get a cluster headache, I can still function. It almost sounds a little silly, but really, they were crippling, and being able to work through them on my own? It’s the greatest gift I’ve given to myself. You know yourself better than anyone, even if you feel like you don’t know yourself. If something feels wrong, don’t just live with it - keep pushing for a correct diagnosis! Question: The author got diagnosed: === The answer to the above question is

Answer:
after 15 years of describing the headaches as "beeping".