It’s not cool enough and it’s the wrong colour. I think she’s being ungrateful but am I out of touch? No, says Annalisa Barbieri, but let her make her own mistakes

I bought my 17-year-old daughter driving lessons for her birthday. It was always assumed she would have my partner’s six-year-old car when she passed her test and that he would get a new, bigger car.

But she has decided she doesn’t want this car: it’s not cool enough, it’s the wrong colour and the pattern on the seats is embarrassing. She feels we should buy her a different car. I think she is being ungrateful; she’s lucky to be given a good car.

However, many of her friends have been given “better” cars. One has a brand-new Mini; another was going to have her mum’s car but didn’t like it, so they sold it to buy her a new one, leaving her parents to share a car. Others have been bought used cars that are not embarrassing.

My daughter doesn’t need a car – her sixth form school is two minutes’ walk away and we have good public transport. We can afford to buy her a car, but I don’t think that’s the best thing to do. She has some money from a savings plan, which she’s suggested using, but she is supposed to be saving for university. Also, if she did spend that money, it would mean an older car than the one she is being offered, which I don’t think is sensible.

Am I being stubborn, or out of touch? I appreciate teenagers today have different expectations and more pressure through social media than I did. But I am struggling with this.

You’re not being any more stubborn than your daughter. And you’re not out of touch. It’s extremely generous of you to give her driving lessons and a car. But.

We all want our children to know their own minds and show independence, but the moment they do – usually about things we may not agree with – some parents don’t like it. I want you to imagine your daughter at a work meeting (or similar) in a few years from now. She is offered a substandard contract or, at least, one she doesn’t like. And she digs in her heels and asks for a better one. You’d be proud, wouldn’t you?

It’s easy to say your daughter is spoiled and being bratty but in her mind she’s doing something similar now. It does not mean that you should just buy her another car. You shouldn’t. You have offered her the car and you should let her do what she wants with it. Give her the option of selling it and buying another car of her choice with the money. Let her learn about commerce and that to make something happen, she needs to have some input.

Tell her you will answer any questions about car-buying/selling and be there for any prospective buyers with her (if it gets to that), but she has to do the work. Your offer is the car, for her to do with what she wants, but she has to sell it. This shows you are listening to her but the onus is on her to get what she wants. She will probably realise it’s a huge pain and easier to keep the uncool car. But let her come to that conclusion.

The savings fund is a difficult prospect. I don’t know if it’s in her name or yours; if she has sole control over it, there’s little you can do if she decides to spend it, and the harder you push or threaten, the more determined she will be to prove you wrong. When teenagers want something, they do so with a desire and tenacity that is immensely powerful. It’s not a good idea to get in the way of it. Instead, you need to approach it as you would a rip-tide at sea – don’t swim against it, but go alongside it until the pull subsides and you can swim to shore.

It’s very, very hard to watch your child learn at the bitter hand of experience; but at some point you have to trust her – and your parenting – and let her make her own decisions. If you have control over the money, then obviously you can exert it – and I would at this stage, because you have a long view and she doesn’t.

To help you process this, I would also ponder what this means for you. Don’t feel rejected by her not wanting the “embarrassing” car. This has nothing to do with you. Teenage behaviour can shine a light into areas of a parent’s life that may need work: if there is anything you feel insecure about, they will find it. Try to unravel what this means for you beyond the car.

• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Follow Annalisa on Twitter @AnnalisaB