" Five minutes to show, Carlos." " All righty, I'll be there, I'll be there." " Hi." "How much longer are you going to be?" " What are you..." "How much longer am I gonna be?" "We're just gonna start right now." "No, no, listen, you're really interrupting our schedule, okay?" "We have gymnastics, we have soccer, we have softball, and she has a bake sale tomorrow." "We haven't even started the cookies." " I mean, this is ridiculous, Carlos!" " I'm doing a show..." "A show?" "Well, it would have been nice if you told us that you were doing a show." " I did tell you about the show." " When did you..." "No, it wasn't on the calendar." " There was nothing..." " I put it on the calendar." "No, and you know that Demi is pink, Carly is purple and you are green." "There was no green on the calendar!" "I don't know if I did it in green..." "Carly, stop, okay?" " Look at this!" "This is..." " Dad, why do you always do this?" " What do you mean, why do I always..." " You're interrupting everything." "Yeah." "I wanted to give her a manicure and pedicure today." "Can't do it!" "Can't to it because it's Carlos' day." " I'm going to..." " You just..." "Look..." "Let's just go." "Let's just go." " It's gonna..." "Demi." " We'll be in the car, waiting." " Dad!" " I..." "We'll be in the car." "That other guy can do more time." "That guy can do more time." " Just remember that you're the headliner." " Okay." " Hey, what's up?" "How're you doing, man?" " Thank you so..." "This is such an honor!" " Hi." "Yeah, thanks." " That's awesome." "This is my first headlining experience, so this is pretty awesome!" "You like headlining, don't you?" "I mean, six months of comedy and all of a sudden I'm headlining." "That is so great." " You're going to open for my husband!" " Wait, you mean, you're..." "Yeah, I know, because your wife Suzy told me..." "Oh, it's so awesome!" " She's a saint, that woman!" "I love her!" " No, you're doing, like, the warm-up..." "No, she wrote it in green on my calendar, so it's all good." "We've been on AOL." "We've got everything..." " AOL?" "What do..." " Yes, seriously." " You're supposed to be..." " Yes, we're awesome!" "I love your show!" "Thanks, Mr. Lopez." "Oh, no, no, no!" "Sorry!" "Sorry, Mr. Mencia." "She didn't mean that." " I love you!" "Thank you so much!" " Sorry." "Every day, it's something." " So, youse is the real people!" " Yeah!" "This is watching a real show." "See, some of you watch that reality stuff." "See, that's not real." "Wake up." "When was the last time you got 12 of your friends together and they go, "Hey, let's go to the island and see who dies first"?" "No, all of those reality shows are like that, come on." "And which is the other one they got?" "Oh, my goodness." "Reality this, reality that." "They've got to fix the house." ""Oh, my God, we're not going to make it in time!"" "They don't show you the 50,000 guys working on the house at the commercial break." "Right?" "They go to Home Depot." ""Oye, you want to work?" "Okay, we'll go. " You know?" "No, it's always something." "Then they..." "Come on, guys." "This is never going to happen." "I see that one show..." "Because it's a lie." "What is..." "Twenty-four beautiful girls come into your living room and you're going to give one of them a rose." "Yeah, right!" "It's just not going to happen." "It's not going to happen." "I watched a lot of TV as a kid." "I grew up in New York City." "Couldn't go out, you know." "Oh, man." "They dangerous, New York, right?" "And I have Puerto Rican parents, very overprotective, right?" "You know, boricua parents..." "Very overprotective, the parents, you know?" "And, oh, my goodness!" "And my dad..." "See, we grew up poor, but my dad was also cheap." "You can't be cheap and poor, you know?" "You can't." "I was born July 4th." "You would think he'd make a big deal." "Light some firecrackers, right?" "And you would think..." "And you know what he'd give me?" "A road flare." "When there's a..." "I'm in the front with a road flare." "And cars were slowing down." "The cops would stop." ""What happened, son?"" ""It's my birthday. " Like an idiot, right?" "And the whole thing..." "It was funny, though." "My father, oh, my goodness." "And then Halloween would come." "Big deal, Halloween." "See, I see my girls with real outfits, you know." "We buy them the costume and they even have the real jack-o'- lantern, with the little purple and pink..." ""Trick-or-treat," you know?" "I didn't have that!" "We had a pair of my dad's baggy clothes, put some dirt, and you're good, you know what I'm saying?" "Right?" "I didn't have the real outfit." "And one year, my sister said, "Go as a ghost. "" "My older sister." "I go, "Okay, ghost. "" "But my mom said, "You can't use this sheet," ""you can't use the curtain," nothing." "So my sister put a big Puerto Rican flag on my..." "Yes, she did!" "And where the star is, she put two little holes for my eyes." "And we'd go to the house, "Trick or treat!" And everybody knew." "Everybody's, "Oh, you're Superman and you're so-and-so. "" "And then, "What are you?"" "And my sister goes, "Oh, he's the Puerto Rican Day Parade. "" ""Oh, isn't that nice?"" "Always something, man." "My dad, very cheap, you know." "I tell him about my daughters." "I buy them all these movies, you know." "He never bought us movies, nothing." "Nothing!" "I tell him, you know, "Dad, I take all the girls to the movies," ""you never took us because you were cheap, cheap. "" "So, I didn't want to make him feel bad, but my birthday rolled around..." "Because I love movies." "He gave me three DVDs." "A little tear, you know?" "And he tells me, "They're due back on Tuesday. "" "I'm like, "Wait." "What?" "They're due back... "" "And it's Monday night!" "So, you know..." "And then we'd bring the candy home, and we couldn't eat the candy because of the overprotective parents." "Throw all the candy on the table and there's my father," ""Okay, I'm gonna check." "Okay, I gotta check it out, okay?" "Okay?" ""Because there could be razorblades, there could..." ""You don't know what could be in there, okay?"" "And I'm sitting there, looking through the star, you know." "And he starts, and I'm looking at him." ""Okay, that one was good." "That one was good." "That one's... "" "And I'm trying to get one." ""Espérate,"he tells me in Spanish." ""Espérate. "Wait up." "'Cause there's always something." "And my mom..." "Okay, I'm going to..." "My mom is going to freak out." "I'm going to put her biz on the street." "My mom is very superstitious, very superstitious." "If we weren't hungry, it was some demon trying to take us." "Yeah!" "She'd put us on the ground and put an egg over us, like that, to suck the demon out with the egg." "Like I was going to sit there and go, "Can you just cook the egg?"" "So, she would do this..." "Oh, she just had all kinds of stuff, man." "And she'd be waving the egg and she'd be, "Que viva Changó!"" "And she'd be singing and all this other stuff, right?" "No, I'm telling you." "And then she had this thing." "My mom's mind was always preoccupied." "One day, she was ironing a shirt, she had to get to work, and my dad was sleeping on the sofa thing, right here, like that." "So, she's ironing, and then somebody..." "There was always someone talking about my mom." "Everybody talks about her, okay?" "She's like Rockefeller, everybody wanted to talk about her, right?" "And she goes, "Who's talking about me?" "Who could it be?" ""Who could it be?"" "And I'm looking." "I go, "That's not a good situation. "" "The iron is right above the dad." "And so she missed." ""Quién será?" "Who could it be?"" "My dad looked like he had little Star Trek things in the back, right?" "Here's the biggest one she had." "All right." "She was very, very..." "Oh, you'll love this." "She was so superstitious that she had to put a clown..." "It's good luck." "Put a picture of a clown in the house." "Good luck." "Do you know how spooky that looks?" "You'd be walking... "What is... " A big red nose looking at you." "And then she had this thing." "You always had to have a picture of the clown, remember this." "But if you went into a brand new apartment, and the clown picture was there, of a clown, it was bad luck." "And I said, "Well, maybe we lived here before, you know." "How do you know?"" "So, here's the killer one." "She has this thing..." "I'm going to say it." "It's OCD, right?" "Obsessive-compulsion." "Oh, my goodness." "She opens the door a million times, she gets by the light switch..." "And then the kids, next thing..." "It looked like a strobe light in there." "Then the next day, the kids would come up to me and say," ""Hey, you had a party last night." "I saw the disco lights." "I saw disco lights. "" "The kids didn't like coming to my house." "They didn't, 'cause my dad wouldn't buy candies for Halloween." "He wouldn't buy..." "And the kids would knock on the door." "And he'd go, "Apaga la luz!" "Turn off the lights!" "Turn off the lights!"" "And I go, "These kids know me, man!" "I've got to see them tomorrow at school. "" "He goes, "Okay, okay, okay!" He'd get them whatever." "He gave a kid rice." "How could you..." "Rice!" "He had a half an avocado." "So..." "My mom, though... 'Cause New Year's Eve was another thing for her." "New Year's Eve, she's make us run..." "It's cold in New York in December." "She'd make us run in the streets in the sign of the cross in the snow, and I'm all slipping in the snow." "So, I took her to a psychiatrist." "I put her under my health plan." "I took her to go see a psychiatrist." "The guy says, "I've been doing this for 33 years. "" "And he's going to help her out, whatever." "I get back... "I'll be here in an hour. "" "And she goes, "Yo no estoy loca, I'm not crazy!" "You're the one and... " Okay." "I come back an hour later, the psychiatrist is in the parking lot running in the sign of the cross," "and she's waving an egg." ""Que viva Changó!" "Que viva Changó!"" "Then we moved out." "We moved out to LA, I guess when I was about 11 or 12 or so." "Sunny skies and all that and..." "I met my wife at a stand-up club." "Isn't that kind of cheesy?" "You know what I told my wife the first time I met her?" "I said, "I'm going to marry you. " She thought I was crazy, you know?" "But the first dates, man, they're like..." "You know, guys, the first dates aren't real, right, guys?" "Everybody's faking it on the first date." "Girls, you know that." "The guy takes you to the restaurant, you're there, you know, you're eating, and he always talks about his career." "And you're like, "Career?" "I drove," you know." ""Career?" "What's wrong with you?"" "And, you know, let me tell you, ladies, the first date, you're not yourself, either, okay?" "They order the food, and the food comes and then they don't want to eat it." ""It's too much. "" "And, like, yeah, you know she's hungry!" "You know, you can hear her stomach." "No, she ate last week." "Okay, she ate last week." "She's fine, okay?" "So she says." "So there's something going on here, man." "But, you know, it changes as the dates progress, right?" "Guys, you remember the fourth date?" "Do you remember her?" "Oh, man!" "What was that?" "It's like sparks coming off a plastic fork." "And when you're dating, you're buying each other nice things." "It changes when you get married, isn't that right, ladies?" "I've been married 11 years, I know." "Oh, yeah." "They buy themselves nice things, huh?" "For themselves." "Everything for us, "On sale!" "On sale!" "On sale!"" "She's there with a designer shirt, and here I am sitting there with cartoon characters on my socks." "They get everything for themselves." "Buying us stuff, man, on sale!" "Even go to those places, the outlet places." "That's the stuff they didn't sell at the regular mall." "Buy irregular stuff." "She bought me a pair of pants, one tight leg, the other one all loose, like that." "I looked like a ballerina on one side and some hip-hopper on the other." "I don't know what's going on here, man." "No, and it's like that." "And when you get married..." "Let me tell you another thing when you get married." "You get the house, okay?" "Okay, you get the house, and they have the his-and-her closet." "His-and-her closet." "Hers-and-hers, you know." "Right?" "Because they will take..." "Slowly, they start putting..." ""I just need this little space." "I just need a little space. "" "And the next thing you know, your pants are under the bed, that's it." "You got a cardboard box with three pairs of shoes and your pants are under the bed, that's it." "This is Southern California, man!" "You know how much you pay for a house out here?" "I've gotta put up a million dollars for any house out here." "And I'm in the garage, sitting down next to an oil stain." "That's me, right?" "Because they can control." "Yes, they do." "They control the house, man." "And they do everything, man." "And they're buying so much stuff." "They buy a lot of stuff and you buy stuff that, sometimes, I don't know if you necessarily need it, ladies, you know?" "My wife had one of these parties at the house where it's stuff from the kitchen." "Kitchen stuff." "Something Chef." "They all came to the house." "And they're all looking, "Oh, lookit!"" "Stuff you don't need!" "You don't..." ""The raisin tongs, raisin tongs, yes." ""You pick up the raisins" ""with these special tongs. "" "Everything." "Ice cube gloves." "Let's hook this up here, right?" "They have all this kind of stuff." "They do." "And then you try to help out as a husband, but you can't help out." "Oh, no." "She bought this thing, it looked like a piece of cement and you cook on it." "And she cooked something on it, and it was dirty." "So, I tried to do the right thing." "I was helping her clean it." "I was trying to put soap and I'm cleaning the thing." "She runs in." ""You can't use any soap with that!"" "And then she gave me the classic..." "Now, you husbands, you'll..." "This is the classic line." ""Don't help me, 'cause when you help me, you make more work for me!"" "'Cause you can't." "You can't help." "No, you can't do it." "You can't touch anything in the house." "She has a certain way that you fold a towel." "Isn't that something?" "No, you can't just put the towel." "It's got to be like origami." ""You've got to put this and then... "" "She gets upset at the towels, then she bought..." "She bought..." "Now, listen." "The room was looking a little somewhat messy." "She bought this beautiful duvet and this and that." "And I get on the bed, I go, "Oh, mama!" "I'm in heaven. "" "I'm in heaven on this bed." "I'm just about to hear the angels sing." "And she runs in. "Get off the bed!"" "That that's for the people to see it." "What?" "We live here!" "We should get two houses, one for the people to see and one for us to live in, or something like that, you know?" "So I just went back to the garage." "There was nothing else I could do." "And then they get an outfit, guys." "You ever seen your lady..." "She'll have an outfit, and you know that's new." "You're, like, 99% sure it's new." "But you're a guy, so you're not totally sure, right?" "And you ask her, "Is that..." ""Is that new?"" "Because you think she looks nice in it." ""Is it?" And she gets upset. "Don't start!" ""Don't start!" "I've had this for a while. "" "What's a while?" "An hour?" "What's a while?" "See, they never tell you what a while is." "You do that, you get together." ""Don't say what while is. "" "Because you ladies will buy something and you hide it at the house." "Yes, you do." "And they come home with a bunch of stuff." "You ever see when they come home with a bunch of stuff?" "They can't even walk." "They're like this." "All the stuff." "The car's all weighted down like this." "And you ask her," ""Where did you get the money to get all this stuff?"" "And she goes, "What?" "How much did you spend?"" "She goes, "Well, I just used the check card. "" ""It's attached to an account, thank you. " Right?" "And then you ask her, "How much did you spend?"" ""I don't know, around 100." "Around 100?"" "How about hundreds over 100?" "How about that, right?" "And they get upset." "Yes, they do." "They get upset and what do they say?" "They don't tell you how much they spent." "This is what they say, "Look how much I saved!"" ""Look how much I saved!"" ""Look how much I saved!"" "And you're there like an idiot." ""Yeah, I know." "The more you save, the less we have in the bank." ""It's really..." "It's really something. "" "See, we should do the same thing, guys." "We should." "You should." "We could play the same game." "See, we can't fool you, ladies." "We like gadgets." "Get a brand new plasma TV, we can't fool you." "You come home..." ""Is that new?"" "And you try to play it off." ""I don't know, it was there." "I don't know." "It was there." ""I heard something in the garage, I came out, and it was right there. "" "Because you don't know." "They got it all, man." "They know what they're doing, man." "That's how we've got to do it, we've got to play that game." "We've got to get..." "Buy that car you've always wanted, guys." "Buy it." "Do the same thing they do." "Come home..." ""Did you just... "" "And you tell her, "Hey, man... " "Is that your car?" "Yeah, it's my car!"" ""Why'd you get it?" "Well, I was going to get a plane." ""See how much I saved!" "See how much I saved!"" "You tell her." ""I saved $6,000,000 on this thing. "" ""I was going to get the space shuttle, but it had just taken off. "" "Then we get married and..." "All women at the house, right?" "Two little girls, my wife, my mother-in-law lives with us, too." "Don't start." "That's a Latin thing." "Go into a convalescent home." "You don't see any old Latinos in there." "No, you don't, because we keep them." "It's true." "It's true, and we live forever." "I don't know what it is, man." "What is it with..." "The cilantro?" "What is it?" "We don't..." "Somebody gets shot. "Cilantro. " "Oh, I'm good, I'm good. "" "Oh, my mother-in-law, man." "She's something else, man." "She blames everything on me." "Everything's my fault." "Everything in the house." "Everything." "If something goes wrong, the remote doesn't work," ""Oh, he broke it." "Trying to drive me crazy!" "Trying to make me crazy!"" "And she don't get technology." "She doesn't understand it." "No, she doesn't." "She doesn't understand technology." "My wife got a cell phone." "She called my..." "She lost it, she got a new one." "She's calling her mom from my car." ""Yeah, Mom." "Hey, Mom." "Yeah, I got a new cell phone." ""Yeah, it's really nice." "It even has a camera. "" "She doesn't understand." "She goes, "A camera?" "Yeah, right, a phone with a camera. "" "I go, "Give me that phone." "It has a camera. "" "And she tells me, "Oh, yeah?" "Then what am I doing?" "What am I doing?"" ""I don't know what you're doing!" ""How am I..." "I can't see you!"" ""Liar," and hung up on me, right?" "And then, of course, she has to cook every morning." "And my in-laws are Mexican, the whole Mex-o-Rican vibe in the house right now, right?" "Oh, let me tell you." "A lot of Mex-o-Ricans." "And so, she has to make that..." "She makes that chorizo." "That Mexican sausage." "It's good, but you can't eat that every day." "It'll..." "You know." "Every day?" "Oh, come on!" "And that tastes, like, all greasy and it's all..." "She goes, it's good for me." "Yes, I'm pork-positive, thank you." "It's good for me!" "What are you talking about, it's good for me?" "And the thing is that the grease is popping and nothing hits her." "It's popping and she's, like..." "Some sort of power she has over that." "My kids come in the room and they're on the floor, you know?" "And here's Grandma, chorizo-ninja, you know." "Nothing hits her." "Nothing hits her, man." "She gets upset at everything, man." "Upset." "And then she says..." "You know, she has a thing that I'm gonna fall asleep on the road when we do these little road trips with the family." "All night, she's talking to me." "Every time." "We drove all the way from LA up to San Francisco, and all the way up there, she was..." "Next to me." "We saw these cows, and she goes," ""Oh, my God, look, someone could hit the cows." ""They're over... " "Someone could steal them. "" "Who's going to steal a cow?" "Who's going to stop..." ""Get the cow, we'll sell them on eBay!" ""Get the cow!"" "We go through this town." "It was at..." "I'll never forget." "It was to the 152 freeway going up San Jose." "You can't see a thing!" "It's just fog, and you're like this and you're driving with a cane hitting outside." "You can't see anything, man." "And you can barely see this town, and she bakes up another story." "She goes, "Oh, Gilroy!" That was the town." "She goes, "Gilroy!" "Oh, my, how this town has changed. "" ""You got your night-vision goggles?"" "She gets me in trouble." "I got a ticket in Texas 'cause of her." "Yes, I did, because I was..." "Now, here's the thing." "Seventy-five miles an hour, I turn around, I'm talking to her and I don't know what happened." "I was going 75." "I think it was 65." "Because of her, I didn't see the drop in the speedometer." "So I was, like, "Oh, man!" "I'm going too fast. "" "The little lights, right?" "You know, and there she is..." "And, you know, in Texas, they don't mess around, those guys, right?" "State troopers, they got the hat with the big tobacco, you know?" "They come..." "He stuck his head right here." "And my mother-in-law says..." "She's sitting there, going," ""Question him, Officer!" "Question him!"" "And the other guy is on this side." "The other guy wouldn't even talk to me, the other cop." "He would just whistle." "Like this." "So, I'm sitting there, and he goes, "You got a license, sir, huh?" ""You're in Texas now, man." "Your California plate don't count here. "" "So, now I try to get the wallet, and it fell." "Oh, now it's underneath the gas pedal." "And I'm trying to..." "Honest mistake, trying to get the wallet, and they're freaking out." "He says, "Around here, sir, this is how we do it around Texas. "" "And my mother-in-law is yelling, "He might be going for a weapon!" ""He might be going for a weapon!"" "And he's pointing... "Watch out, sir. "" "He's pointing to a vial of pepper spray." "And Latinos, we eat peppers." "What's that going to do to us?" "You're going to spray us?" ""Oh, that's good. "" "Like, okay, you know, fine." "Put some taco chips in the hat and start the party!" "I don't know what to tell you." "But there's always something there with the family." "Every day it's something, man." "Every single day." "And now, when the holidays hit..." "They've got to make the tamales at my house, right?" "You seen these tamales?" "It takes forever." "Oh, come on." "It takes too long to make the tamales." "Isn't there some tamale online thing going on?" "Can't we..." "With tamale. com or something?" "Please." "Because 50 women are in the kitchen and they're fighting, they're fighting over the recipe." "And they talk bad about themselves." "They're family." "They're talking, "Oh, look at her." ""She doesn't need any more tamales. " What is that, man?" "And they talk all night." "At the end of the night, they don't make no tamales." "Nothing." "Nothing." "There's one tamale floating on the top like a dead fish." "And you order pizza with chorizo or something, tide the night over, right?" "And then we have..." "There's an in-law, though, visiting us right now." "She comes from Mexico, she's in her 60s." "Man, she's got a weird little trait about her." "You think my mom's weird?" "She buys stuff." "She comes here and she buys stuff and she leaves the tags on everything because she wants people to know it's new." "You want people to know it's new?" "And I don't get that, because she's walking around like a mannequin or something, right?" "And then she bought some shoes at Target, and she's walking like this, man!" "What is that, man?" "Cut the..." ""You're going to fall down already, man!"" "No, there's always something with the family, man." "They do all kind..." "I mean, I don't understand this, man." "I don't understand." "And then, of course, my mother-in-law has her traditions." "Let me tell you these traditions, okay?" "First of all, there's that, Christmas time, the baby Jesus in the cake." "What is that?" "If you get the baby Jesus, you're the winner." "You know what you win?" "You get to host the next party." "You get to go to the market." "That's what you won, you know?" "And the winner's in the living room." "I hear everybody, "Party, party,"" "and the guy's choking on the baby Jesus." "Choking!" "And nobody cares." ""When's the party?" I don't know." "When's the funeral?" "What are you talking about, when's the party?" "No, there's always something going on, man." "Oh, some of these traditions, I'm up to here with them." "The piñata!" "That's..." "Isn't that something?" "You blindfold a kid, twirl him around, and he's going to kill somebody, and you're cool with it, right?" "Because you get that one kid that's big for his age." "You know that kid, all right?" "5'2", 260, second grade." "Isn't that nice, right?" "He's swinging, kids are getting hit in the face." "They don't care." "They're bleeding." "They put the candy in the nose to stop the bleeding." "What do they care, right?" "There's always something, man." "And, of course, for me, this whole experience with the family..." "Because my mother-in-law is just..." "Everything has to be my fault." "Everything is my fault." "She'd lost a..." "She'd lost something, she'd blame me." ""You took it, you took it, you took it." ""You're trying to make me crazy," okay?" "I'm going, "You're doing good on your own," ""trying to make you crazy," right?" "And it's a weird thing about this lady because she..." "Even the first time we met, she goes, "Oh, he's a..." ""He travels the road and stuff. "" "She goes, "Oh, my goodness!" "One of those. "" "And then she goes..." "And then she tells my wife..." "And then my wife says, "Oh, he's Puerto Rican. "" ""Oh!" "Even worse!" Right?" "And now she sees my kids, right?" "I've got to tell you about the kids, right?" "'Cause she's doing the grandmother thing." "And kids, man, kids are different today, though, right?" "Kids are into the video games, especially the boys." "Man, boys don't get..." "That's why the boys are getting chunky." "Xbox 360?" "You weigh 360 pounds." "What's wrong with you, man?" "They don't do their homework." "They don't do their homework and they don't run, they don't exercise." "And we've got to fix that as parents." "We've got to make it that the game, like, they're almost going to win the game, and a math test pops up." "Right." "About to finish a game?" "Go run a mile." "Put the controller to your heart when you get back." "Thank you very much." "But, see, this is the thing, now." "Everything high tech, right?" "Everything." "Even candies." "You press the lollipop, it goes around..." "What is that, you know?" ""I don't have time to lick it!" Okay." "Everything high tech, right?" "It is unbelievable, and the kids are just different now, man." "They play different and..." "This is one thing, though." "Oh, I can't stand this." "I hear the parents, "Oh, you see, my kid's a genius." "She's a genius." "He's a genius." ""Because they on the computer and you should see, on the remote" ""and on this, the TiVo and they can do this and they... "" "Your kid is not a genius 'cause he can handle an iPod, okay?" "It's a sign of the times, all right?" "I'm sure my mom used to tell her friends," ""You should see Carlos." "Oh, he's a genius." "He's a genius." ""The way he does the View-Master, it's unbelievable." ""Unbelievable." "And the Slinky, watch out with the Slinky." "Watch out." ""Down the stairs, the Slinky is..." "I'm telling you. "" "You're not a genius." "Your kid's not a genius 'cause he knows how to do those things." "He's not, okay?" "It's the way it is." "And my daughter, though, the little one, she got a..." "Oh, my goodness." "She got..." "For Christmas, she got this little kitchen that we set up in the kitchen, right?" "Put it together, plastic, all this and this, that." "But it has got little buttons and everything." "And she put a Barbie doll cash register right there." "And she doesn't play cooking." "She plays Starbucks." "And she knows the lingo." "She's in the corner, six years old, "Grande mocha, no whip. "" "Grande mocha, no whip?" "And she's yelling, "Carlos, pick up." "Carlos. "" "I'm like, "What are you doing?" She goes, "$18.50."" ""$18.50?" "It's not that much. "" "She goes, "Well, this store is located at the airport. "" "Oh, isn't that nice, you know?" "No, they do that, man." "They like to..." "Oh, the kids, man." "They go to private school, too." "That's another thing, another expense, you know?" "And you gotta check because they charge..." "Everything gets a charge, charge, charge." "Call in, "What's this charge?" "What's this $17?"" ""It's for oxygen, sir." "Oxygen, sir." ""Well, if you don't pay, she'll get dizzy." "It's up to you. "" "And my sister, she homeschools her kids." "Four kids, homeschools them in Texas." "That is..." "Let me tell you something, that's..." "From this height to this height, out into the world." "Homeschools them." "She goes, "You should homeschool." "You should... " That's weird." "It is." "Your family album's not supposed to be your yearbook." "You know, come on, man." "It's true. "Have a nice summer." "I'll see you every day. " Okay." "How does that work?" "What is your... "Are you gonna ask your brother to prom?"" ""I don't know." "I don't..." "I don't know." "Maybe, I don't know. "" "Where's the prom?" "In the garage?" "You don't even know." "The garage, what?" "What do you get, a letterman jacket with an "H" for "Home"?" "I don't understand this." "What do you letter in?" "Your bed, for making it early or what, you know?" "A trashcan for throwing it out, you know?" ""Varsity lawnmower right here. " "All right, cool. "" "I know." "My younger one, she's out there, man." "She got all that energy, man." "My older one, more, you know, more calm." "She reads a lot." "She's a genius." ""No, let me read." "I'm a reader. " Okay." "But see, she read up on..." "She hooked up a vacation for us." "She did." "We went to Cabo San Lucas 'cause of her." "And there we are, Cabo San..." "And then she says, "Let's go snorkeling. "" "I'm a city guy." "I don't go snorkeling, man." "And there we are in the..." "And everybody else is cool." "They're going under the water..." ""Did you see the fish?" "Did you see the fish?"" "And I'm trying to stay alive." "I got salt coming in my nose, you know?" "And then they start yelling, "Everybody out of the water, everybody. "" "All the Mexican guys on the little boat, "Sálganse, sálganse. "" "And so we're running back and I'm back, I'm like, "What happened?"" "And my daughter's there, "Oh, they're safe. "" "And everybody's coming out with big red welts everywhere." "And I go, "Man, what... " And she goes..." "And I told my daughter," ""Did you see that?" "Carla, you and your big ideas." ""Did you see that?" ""Because of you, everybody got bit by the jellyfish. "" "And she corrects me in front of people." "She corrects..." "She goes, "Dad, they didn't get bit." "They got stung. "" "And she goes on." ""It's not their gelatinous body, it's the tide with the salt" ""and it's an allergic reaction of the human skin. "" "I go, "Oh, my..." "She knows all this!" I go, "Man, did you learn that in school?"" "And she goes, "No, SpongeBob SquarePants. "" "So now I'm all messed up." "'Cause this girl is..." "What, I'm paying for that, for SpongeBob?" "17 bucks a month, you know?" "Take it away." "She can be like this in class, you know, for..." "And I don't want them to get unduly influenced by some of the..." "I got this one little cousin-in-law, man, he brings his girlfriend around, you know." "He's all into hip-hop with the baggy clothes." "I don't mind that, but some of it's too baggy, man." "He's got the Laker jersey, and it goes past the knee." "That's a Laker sundress." "What's wrong with you, man?" "You got a Kobe sundress, thinking you're cool." "And he wears the pants, though." "He likes to show the underwear." "I don't know how that started." "I don't know how that started." "I don't know, some guy, you know, they stepped on his pants, they're so baggy and his underwear showed." "And everybody goes, "Man, that's cool." "All the... " You know?" "'Cause, see, we're different." "I grew..." "My era's different." "The '80s, everything was tight, tight." "Your veins popping out." "You couldn't even leave your pants leg regular." "You had to pinch the thing." "And you'd be dancing." "Diamond Girl, whatever, you know?" "Now, it's different, man." "You can't let..." "Don't let your kids see your yearbook, they'll make fun of you." "You know, and all this stuff, 'cause they don't understand." "They don't get it, man." "And so now I don't want them to get influenced because, man, he brings his girlfriend around and she got that little belly ring..." "What?" "That's not a functional piece of jewelry, ladies." "What is that?" "Like a little chandelier all hanging out, you know." "You know?" "No lights, nothing, it's just hanging there, right?" "Put your keys there." "Do something." "I don't know what you gotta do." "Put your keys there, I don't know." ""Oh, where's my keys?" "Oh, here they are. "" "I don't know what you gotta do, okay?" "Let me tell you." "Let me say something, man." "Let me tell you, ladies, you're gonna regret this little trend, okay?" "The tattoo, lower part of the back?" "Oh, it looks cute today." "'Cause you're young." "Wait 40, 50 years from now." "Like a big old bruise back there, you know?" "You'll look like you fell off your walker every day or something." "Yeah, you'll be there with your grandchildren, telling them, "It looked like a rose in 2006."" "And your grandchildren, "Well, you gotta water it now, Grandma. "" ""Okay. "" "I don't know about the trends, man." "He's got the body piercing on the face." "Have you seen that, it's all dangling?" "Everywhere, all the..." "He's got rings, here, there, everywhere." "It looks like curtain rings." "That's what they look like, curtain rings." "Don't need sunglasses." "Hang two curtains." "Right?" "Hang them." "Sun's out." "There." "He hates people looking at him." "People are gonna look at you." ""Hey, what are you looking at, bro?" "Hey, relax, man. "" ""What are you looking at?" "Danny, man, you know," ""that's you, it's a mirror, so I don't know what you're tripping on." ""Open the curtain and you'll know that it's you, all right?"" "And I told him, "Man, you can't have all that stuff on your face, man. "" "He wants to drive my car." "I go, "No, you're not gonna drive my car. "" "You know?" "And I didn't even want..." "The car I'm driving, high tech." "I didn't even want that car." "My best friend's the one." ""Get this car with the..." "And you press that. "" "You've seen that?" "You press a button and there's someone there in an emergency?" "That's cool." "My friend, though, he abuses that." "He asks them for everything." ""Where's the nearest this to go eat here..." "Where's the this... "" "You're not..." "It's supposed to be for emergencies." "It is." "I was in there last week and he pressed it and the guy said, "What?" Like that." "Okay?" "So I know." "So now the guy wants to use my car." "Danny wants it. "No, you're not gonna use my car." "You've got metal on your face." ""You can't see." ""No, you can't. " He goes to my kitchen and I hear a..." "He breaks something." "I go..." "And he's screaming, "I can't see." "I can't see. "" "I go in the kitchen, he's on the floor with all the refrigerator magnets." "I said, "What is that?"" "With a Pizza Hut sign, a banana..." "All right, what is going on here?" "No, the kid upsets me, man." "And I'm trying to teach him." "I even..." "You know, they can give credit applications." "He's getting that." "He's barely gonna go to college next year and they're, "Here, you want a credit card?"" "I go, "You better watch it with your credit." ""You'll mess up your credit." "Your father, got bad credit. "" "I told him." "No, I told him, I did." "Oh, his father..." "His father's credit." "His father can't get no card." "His father has a card to rent videos." "That's it." "That's it." "That's it." "And he gotta watch the video there." "Okay, that's bad, all right?" "Everybody checking out, he's in the... "I'm almost done. "" "No, you can't do that stuff." "And he gets very..." "He's very, "Oh, that's right. "" ""Latino, what's up?" He's all..." "I go, "Dude, you were born in Burbank." ""Relax, you know, with the whole..." "You know?"" "We drove down to Tijuana..." "We got some college students here." "Don't go to Tijuana." "It's too crazy down there, man." "You go down there and forget your friends." ""Oh, that was cool. "" "You're coming back home and your friend, "Where's Steve?"" ""I don't know. "" "He's on some donkey, looking for you down..." "You don't..." "What's that, you know?" ""I don't know what happened. "" "You forget someone in a foreign country." "We drove down there with the whole family in the big SUV, and the kids are in the back, and I can't stand..." "Because the kids go to that third row and they mess around, and it's way back there." "It's way..." "So you're, "I can't hear you." "Call me on the cell. "" "I mean, you just..." "It's too hard." "Then you put movies on for them." "I don't like that, the movies." "It's very dangerous." "It's very..." "Yes." "You ever been driving at night?" "Everybody has these DVD players in the car." "You're driving at night, isn't it distracting?" "'Cause through the tint, you can see it's..." "Eighty miles an hour, I'm watching Shrek next to me." "Yeah, that's..." "That's not right." "So we're in this car, and there we go, and he's right next to me." "And the closer we're getting to the border, I don't know, he was going crazy." "He was like, "That's messed up." "That's messed up. "" ""What?" "Look, look, look. "" "And I never saw that sign, that's a funny sign." "Have you ever seen that sign?" "There's a sign with a Mexican Latino family like this." "Yeah, like, "Watch out, they're coming over the border. "" "That is..." "No, I'm serious, right?" "They even got the mom, the dad and the little girls in the air like this." "It's like..." "And he's there all upset." "And I'm like..." "And I was laughing, 'cause, you know, when do you see something like that?" "And he keeps on going, "They only make fun of us. "" "But he's right." "Oh, you go to Miami, you don't see a sign with Cubans on the beach like this..." "You don't..." "You don't..." "Just don't see that." "I gotta tell you, man." "And it's hard, 'cause I don't want my..." "You see, I don't want my daughters to experience some of the stuff I have." "So I take them everywhere, right?" "My dad never took us anywhere, man." "My dad was like..." "Like I said, he was cheap, man." "Even at my wedding, the money dance, you know, they pin money to the bride?" "He didn't put no money on her." "I go, "You gotta go over there, put money. " He's, "Okay, okay. "" "He goes over there, puts a $100 bill, and starts taking change off the dress." "I go, "What is wrong with you, man?"" "No, he's something else, man." "Then when you start living with women, you start understanding, 'cause the women, they like to..." "Let me tell you, ladies, you get mad at us for everything, right?" "Oh, my goodness." ""You don't listen." "You don't listen. "" "We listen." "It's the way you tell us." "Grab us by the shoulder, look in our eyes." "Say, "We're gonna go see my mom tonight. " Or sister." "We won't forget." "But you don't tell us like that." "You wait till we're watching the game." "And you run behind us." "We didn't know what you said, man." "Then the next day, "You don't care." "You don't care." "You don't care. "" "No, 'cause you read into everything." "Everything becomes a big..." "Yes, you do, ladies." "Everything becomes a big..." "You ever notice this, guys?" "Everything has to be bigger than what it is." "She wanted to paint the kitchen the other day." "I'm painting, and halfway through the kitchen," "I go, "Oh, man, I don't know about these colors. "" "And I say, "I better stop. " I go, "You know, Suzy, I don't know about this." ""Do you like..." "I don't really like it. " And then she starts." "It's not that I don't like the paint." "Here's how they go." "You know." "Right, guys?" "You know, guys." ""You don't respect me." "You don't like what I think." "And... "" "I'm like, "Okay, we'll paint it orange with blue polka-dots. "" "All right." "Let's go for it, you know?" "Because they do that." "'Cause they don't care..." "I'm telling you, they want it their way and that's it." "And you better listen up, guys." "'Cause you'll just be in the garage." "Like this." "Like me." "Looking for pants." "Where are my pants, you know?" "Oh, I love it when we drive, man." "Right?" "Am I right, ladies?" "'Cause we drive perfect when you're not with us." "Let me tell you that, ladies, right now." "Yeah." "Oh, yes, we do." "You exaggerate in the car." "Oh, my..." "I never get into an almost-accident when I'm alone." "Only when she's with me." "Only when she's with me, you know?" "You ever been..." "Yeah, okay, look, the guys are gonna get this." "I'm telling you, the guys..." "And the gals aren't." "Guys, have you ever hit the brakes?" "And you're cool?" "You look at her..." "She has, like, the cell phone in her ear." "What happened?" "The purse is wrapped around her neck." "And they look, "What..." "You're crazy!" ""You drive like a madman. "" "And my mother-in-law in the back, "I told you." "I told you. "" "It's always something, man." "Oh, this is what I love, though, man." "I like it when the ladies, they..." "You wait too long to tell us when you're upset." "That's for one thing." "We ain't folding the towels right, you don't tell us right away." "You wait six years to tell us, you know?" "And then you blow up at us." "And you say, "What happened?" "You don't know how..." "You don't know. "" "I go, "Why didn't you just tell me?"" "Why didn't..." "Why don't you ladies just tell us?" "Here's what they say instead." "Oh, this is classic." "Here's what they say." ""Why didn't you just tell me?"" "And then here's their reply." ""I shouldn't have to." "I shouldn't have to. "" "That's like honking the horn after the accident." "It's too late now." "You don't crash..." "You women wait too long." "You don't honk the horn after the accident." "This is how you women would crash." ""Oh, he's going to hit me." "Oh." ""He's going too fast." ""There he comes. "" "And the cop comes over." "You got the airbag on your face, all over." "And he says, "Why didn't you honk?" "I shouldn't have to." "I shouldn't have to. "" "And women are very tight." "Women have a lot of friends." "I understand that, too, right?" "You ever notice, guys, in college, 'cause then you hear one girl breaks up, all the..." "Right?" "All the women there, "He was a jerk. " You know?" "All the women..." "Even women that don't know you." ""What happened?" "I'm here." "What happened?" You know?" "I don't even know you." "How did you find out?" ""MySpace, MySpace. " "Oh, okay. "" "But guys don't care, though." "Guys are messed up." "You have but one friend." "That girl meant a lot to you." "You broke up with her and you tell him because you needed a shoulder to cry on, and he don't care." "He's going, "Whatever." "Whatever, dude. "" "And you know..." "And I gotta tell you, man, we're very sensitive, ladies." "And we break up with you, any song we hear reminds us of you." "Any song." "My friend, we're driving around, it's like, "That's the jam, bro." ""Why'd you gotta put that on, man?" ""That was our song. "" "I go, "Dude, the radio's not even on." "What's wrong?" "It's not on." ""That's an ice-cream truck right over there, okay?" ""'De-ling, de-ling' was your song." "All right?" "Okay. "" ""She liked ice cream, bro. " "Okay. "" "Then I, and I gotta bust this one out, only because holidays are in my head right now." "And my wife does this whole thing where, you know, she..." "Forget it, she shops, man." "She's the first..." "Right?" "Thanksgiving Day, after Thanksgiving Day, there she is at the stores." "She's up early, man." "There's roosters going," ""Hey, man, where's she going?" "What happened, man?" ""What happened?" "I didn't even go... and she was gone. "" "And they get there." "Oh, she'll come home with stuff, like I said, you know." "Whatever, right?" "So now, she had me buy the Christmas tree one year." "What's wrong with that?" "I can do that, right?" "I come home with this thing, and she's complaining for two days that it doesn't smell piney enough." "To take back a tree." "Why would I take back a tree?" "And it had holes in it, where the presents were, and the lights, and so I took all this thing..." "And I took it back like an idiot." "And I take it back and the guy looks at me, he goes," ""I've been working here 55 years." ""No one's ever returned a tree. "" "And people hear and I hear the murmuring, "He's returning a tree." "Returning a tree. "" "And the old ladies, "I want to know the return-tree policy, you know, I... "" "And the guy says, "No one's ever returned a tree. "" "And I look back at my wife, and she's in the car, I kid you not, going like this..." "Like that, like that." ""Show him the receipt. " "Oh, okay, show him the receipt. "" ""Why are you returning it?" I had to say it in front of all these people." "Everybody waiting like this..." "And here I go, "It doesn't smell piney enough. "" "And there's stuff now that my wife now wants us to do, is teach the little girls, our little girls, we gotta teach them Spanish." "Because they need to know Spanish to keep the tradition going." "You know, third, fourth generation." "You know." "Okay, I know some of you..." "We're in Los Angeles." "A lot of people know Spanish." "But you know, come on, you've met people, last name Rodriguez, they don't know a lick of Spanish." "You know that, right?" "Come on, you've seen that one person, you go, "For sure this guy knows Spanish. "" "I mean, he looks hardcore Latino, like, hardcore." "You know, like George Lopez coming down the Inca mountain, man." "This dude looks hardcore." "And you go ask him the time, "Yo, qué hora es?"" ""I don't know, dude." "I don't know." ""Josh, do you know what time it is?" "This guy's talking..." ""You took Spanish, right?"" "And Spanish and English, very similar." "Right, I mean, you know, similar?" "I mean, same alphabet, you know." "I like that, that's cool about the alphabet." "Come on." "You can't..." "Let's face it, man." "If you can do an alphabet with your own body, it's easy." ""A", "T", an "R." I mean, you can't do that with other languages." "Chinese, give me an "A." You can't." "You've never seen a Chinese cheerleader." "Give me a "P." A flying tiger, like that." "You haven't." "I know there's Asian people here saying, "He's right." "He's right." ""He's right." "My uncle did a 'Q.' He still can't walk." "He can't walk. "" "I'm telling you." "And then there's these accents." "You know, it's funny 'cause my mom has a thick accent, you know, my dad, thick accent and stuff." "And I don't..." "Some accents..." "But some accents are cool, man." "Like an English accent." "You always sound like..." "No matter what a person with that accent says, you believe them." "You think..." "'Cause everything sounds like they're so..." "It sounds so intellectual." "You could be next to a kid, you know, trying to cheat." ""Hey, what's number three. "" ""14 plus 14 is 152."" "And you go," ""That's right." "That's right." "That's right." "I was gonna put 28." "Stupid. "" "Because language is..." "Let me tell you with that." "And some accent vibes are weird, like in New York, the kids with the Italian accent?" "They always sounded tough, man." ""Hey, Joey, what's..." "Joey, can you answer number three?"" ""Hey, I'm not answering nothing, okay?" "I'm not saying nothing. "" "I was just in New York about..." "You're gonna trip out on this." "True, okay?" "I'm in New York about six weeks ago, and this little boy, about four years old, little Italian kid," "I ask him, I kid you not, I said, "Hey, how you doing today?"" "And he looks at me, he says, "I've been better. "" "When?" "When you were two, what?" "You been better." "Well, they say Spanish is a romantic language, right?" "Yes, they say, right?" "Spanish, Italian, what else you got?" "French?" "Well, I don't know about the French." "Oh, I don't know, man." "I don't know if that's so romantic." "You ever seen French people talking?" "They look like they're talking to a baby..." "That's romantic?" "No, I'm not into it." "I'm not into it, and since some languages..." "Let's face it, some languages are hard." "Middle Eastern languages, right?" "They always sound upset." "Don't they?" "But they're not upset, but you think they're upset." "Now I have that face where people don't know what I am." "Don't laugh." "'Cause I'm the one at the airport and everybody," ""Check him!" "Check him!" "Check him!" "Check him!"" "I didn't even know these people, "Check him!"" "I got checked in Mexico." "What's that all about?" "I got checked in Mexico." "I got checked, everybody in line, "Check him." "Check him." "Check him. "" "Okay." "I got..." "You know what?" "I'm in..." "Hey, listen, they don't have the greatest security down there, all right?" "Let me tell you right now, at the airport?" "Lady goes through with a knife in her purse." "I see that knife and I'm going..." "And the guy's looking at me, "Qué, qué, qué?"" "Okay, you know, in Spanish." "But she got a knife in her purse." "So they flip the knife open and he's running the blade through his fingers and he's mad at me." "He's looking at me, going," ""It's not that sharp, it's not that sharp. " What's not that sharp?" "It's a knife." "There's no sign that says you can take unsharpened knives." "Now with this whole thing about..." "See, now I have that look now." "Let me tell you." "Now, I went into a mall in Glendale, California." "I live in Pasadena." "I went to Glendale, California, at this mall." "Now, let's set this up." "Let's set this up." "Glendale, California has a large Armenian population, right?" "Nice people, and I go in there, but it threw me back." "'Cause the guy started speaking to me like he thought I was Armenian." "But I thought he was upset or something." "He came at me..." "I go, "Whoa, whoa, man!" ""Relax with the... all right?"" "And he kept on with the..." "I just, I did it back to him." "He gave me a 10% discount." "I was like..." "I'll take it." "And my mother-in-law, "I'm gonna teach them Spanish. "" "No, you gotta know how to teach Spanish." "'Cause you need to know how the words get conjugated and she's not teaching them right." "The word "father," papá." "P" " A-P-A." "It's pretty easy." "But, you know, papá is father, but if you say it flat, papa, it means potato." "That's right." "My daughters say, "Here's my mother and here's my potato. "" "She's going around town..." "'Cause she's not teaching them right." "She's putting them in front of the TV to learn Spanish." "How do you learn..." "HBO, the Latino version." "And she clicks it and it's all the Spanish, you know..." "They click it and it switches everything to Spanish." "They're watching everything." "They're watching Scooby-Doo." ""Qué vamos a hacer?" It's, like, what is that?" "And my older one walking around like Shaggy, "No sé, Scooby, no sé. "" "And my little one, my little one, was doing Napoleon Dynamite." "She was going, "Ay, caramba. " Like, what is that going on, man?" "I don't know what to do." "I don't know what to do." "And then, of course," "I try..." "Now, my friend, my best friend, he's Filipino, that's gotta be the fastest language on the planet, man." "No, now this isn't..." "'Cause I felt really bad after." "But I gotta tell you, man, he's at my house, he was on the phone..." "And I've known him since the Air Force days, right?" "And so, he's on the phone and I've never heard him speak Tagalog." "He's on the phone and I go, "What is that?"" "'Cause that was like, "What is this?"" "It sounded like a chicken falling down some stairs." "I go, "What is that, man?"" "And I'm looking for the chicken, I go..." "And I tell the girls, "Look for the chicken." "It's around here somewhere. " Right?" "And in my head, I could see the chicken falling down the stairs." "With an egg and a feather coming out or something, right?" "And then he says, "I love you. " I go, "Oh. "" "I can't take this anymore." "I can't take this..." "And then the kids..." "Oh, this birthday thing is getting me, too, now, man." "Watch out with the birthdays, man." "These kids..." ""Everything for the birthday." "This is for the birthday theme." ""We want some... " Birthday parties, they have themes now, you know that?" "And then, they dress you as the theme?" "I'm a parent." "I'm walking around with a little car on my head, like this, at this theme..." "So now I'm saying, "Oh, what is my daughter..." ""What are they gonna want for their birthdays," right?" "So my six-year-old, she was five turning six at the time," ""Where do you want to go for your birthday?"" "Don't get mad at me, 'cause this really happened, okay?" "I got upset." "She's five turning six, I go," ""Where do you wanna go for your birthday?"" "And I'm thinking, she's gonna say..." "We live in LA, she might say, you know," "Disneyland or, you know, the Whatever Cheese place with the rodent walking around." "Whatever that is, right?" "I can't stand that place." "They serve beer at that, whatever, pizza, cheese place, whatever it is, for the kids." "They serve beer." "Are they crazy?" "Who's gonna drive the kids home?" "Who's gonna drive them?" ""Let's go, kids, let's go." "Let's go." ""Let's go." "No, the rat cut me off." "We're out of here." ""We're out of here." "No, I said no." ""I said no." "You know how..." "That rubber ducky?" ""500 bucks for the rubber ducky if you count the tokens, okay?" ""So let's get out of here, all right?"" "And they let you take the kids." "All you need is to have the stamp." ""Oh, take the kids, sir. " "Okay. "" "And the big..." "You know what?" "I have a theory of why people drink beer, man." "It's 'cause of the commercials." "You seen the commercials?" "They always show..." "They lie." "They show people in great..." "All ripped up with a beer." "Show the truth, man." "Show your uncle or something." "Don't show no ripped 22-year-old guy with a beer." "And then they have a gorgeous girl." ""Oh, I'm here because of the beer. "" "Oh, shut up." "Come on, man." "Show part two." "That's right, show part three in the morning in the parking lot." "Show the part with the girl he was really dancing with, with one tooth." ""What happened?" "What happened?"" "You know?" "So I don't know where this is gonna go, with this birthday party thing." "'Cause now, I didn't know it was such a big deal to have these, you know, huge things, right?" "All right." "So here we go." "I ask her, "Where do you want to go for your birthday?"" "And she says, I kid you not, she says, "Las Vegas. "" "What kind of parent am I?" "Las Vegas?" "You know, I don't gamble." "What's wrong with..." "You know?" "And I'm thinking, now I know why she said it, 'cause I had done a show at a big hotel over there and she likes that, what do they call it?" "The something..." "The Lazy River." "Lazy River." "Eight hours, all day long." "All right." "Let me tell you about this Lazy River." "I said, I don't want her to go on it 'cause, you know, first I don't want her seeing Vegas." "And I got her." "I got her." "I said, "You know, we're not gonna go to Vegas. "" "She goes, "Why?" "Because, no, we're not gonna go. "" ""We went already." "We're not gonna go. " And she goes, "Why?"" "And I told her, I go, "'Cause I know what you did." "I know what you did. "" ""Eight hours in the thing, huh?" ""Eight hours, sodas all day, you didn't get out once" ""to go to the bathroom." ""I know what you did." "You peed in the pool." "You peed in the pool. "" "'Cause they blame everything on me." "No, my daughters blame..." "My daughters will blame everything on me, man." "They'll be five feet away and they'll trip and they'll go, "Dad!"" "So I'm telling her she's not gonna get this one on me." "No." "I said, "We're not gonna go." "You peed in the pool. "" "And she looks at me, she goes, "Dad!" ""What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. "" "Hey, guys, God bless you." "Thank you very much." "Thank you, guys." "God bless." "I wanna show you my daughters before I go." " All right, Carly." " Wasn't my dad good?" "Yeah." "Dad, can we go to the mall now?" " You want to go to the mall now?" " Yeah." " And you?" " Yeah." "All right, we're gonna spend the money we made tonight at the mall." "God bless you." "Thank you for coming out." "Thank you."