“Judging from the residual scarring and yesterday’s blood tests…” he said, noting something down on his clipboard, “I think next week the bandages can come off for good.”

For six months I came to this office every afternoon and had the bandages changed. That was over 180 times. What were seven more days?

I simply nodded in response.

“And I’ll set up an appointment for the week after that, for the eye people to come in. They’ll take molds, pictures, and all that. You’ll look good as new!”

I didn’t want some glass eye. I didn’t want to look lazy-eyed or crazy. I’d seen people with false eyes before. It was uncanny-valley type stuff. I wanted my eye. My real fucking eye. But that ship had sailed a long time ago.

“…Okay,” was all I could get out of my mouth.

My bandages were changed and I had been given my medications. The nurse kept them here, a precaution against ‘the black market.’ Apparently my drugs were in high demand among the more scurrilous of the academy. But I was free to go now. It didn’t stop the nurse from lecturing, like he always did.

“You know Koji, you’re basically back to full strength. Why don’t you get out there? Join a club or something, it’d do you a lot of good. My spies tell me they never see you around.”

Ah yes, the nurse, legendary spymaster. Though most of his spies were athletes and I didn’t hang out around the track or fields very often. Just Tuesdays, when-

The nurse grabbed me by the shoulder as I was edging my way out the door, interrupting my train of thought.

“Listen kid, I know you’ve gone through a lot. But so has everyone else here, you know that. Despite what happened to you don’t think they’ll judge you for it. Here we’re all just people.”

“Y-yeah, okay.”

“I’ll get you out there one day Koji. Trust me on that. I have my ways.”

This frightened me more than anything. Did he now have people following me? Did they know about me, at least more than the others did? I scurried out the door and quickly ran across campus to my dorm. Locking the door, I sighed in relief and turned on the lights. I had blocked up my window. Too much sun. Too many people outside. It was more like my room back home this way. More like nothing had changed.

I went over to my computer. Students weren’t supposed to have computers but my parents persuaded the administration. “We’re so far away,” they said, “it’s the only way we can keep in touch.” My mom called me on Skype twice a day. I never turned on the camera. I didn’t want her to look at me, it would just remind her of my failure. But we talked. Some days it was the only person I talked to, at least with my mouth.

Deaddrop1911: <if it isn’t crippled kawamori!>

My computer. Someone was messaging me.

VariableValkyrie: <I told you to stop calling me that.>

Deaddrop1911: <but isn’t even more alliterative in your native japanese?

Deaddrop1911: <katawa kawamori or something?>

VariableValkyrie: <Yeah, that’s about it.>

Deaddrop1911: <so what’s up koji?>

Deaddrop1911: <holding things down on your end?>

VariableValkyrie: <I’m fine.>

Deaddrop1911: <aight then>

Deaddrop1911: <i went to a rifle range over the weekend>

Deaddrop1911: <the coolest thing i’ve ever done>

VariableValkyrie: <Congratulations Jake. I know you’ve always wanted to do that. Fun?>

Deaddrop1911: <fuck yeah it was>

Deaddrop1911: <you gotta reach for your dreams, bro>

Deaddrop1911: <its a lot easier than you think>

Deaddrop1911: <that girl you always dream about>

Deaddrop1911: <the german? germans are freaks by the way>

Deaddrop1911: <talk to her today. or tomorrow, for you i guess>

VariableValkyrie: <You know I can’t do that.>

Deaddrop1911: <fuck what you cant do>

Deaddrop1911: <life is about fucking what you cant do and doing it anyway>

Deaddrop1911: <you think they were gonna let me anywhere near a range after what happened to me?>

Deaddrop1911: <but i got there, and it was great>

Deaddrop1911: <fuck reason and catch your dreams>

Deaddrop1911: <i gotta get to class bro, i’ll catch you around>

Variable Valkyrie: <Okay, see you later.>

Most of the time was spent as it had been at home, on my computer playing video games and surfing the internet. Sometimes it even felt like nothing had changed. If only I were so lucky.

* * *

Class. The worst part of my day. Not that I didn’t like learning, I just knew the other students were afraid of me. Or at least it felt like that. Class 3-2 was for the visually impaired. I mean, I guess I technically was, with one eye, but it was mostly blind kids and other much more severely impaired than I. So I sat in the back. I could see from back there and it also let others who couldn’t sit ahead of me. It also kept me away from everyone else, lest they accidentally touch me. The repercussions of which scared me half to death. I didn’t want to put anyone else through what had happened to me.

But 3-2’s instructor/homeroom teacher, Ms. Ito (who was also blind), focused on History. I liked History, it was like living vicariously through other people. Getting to do things I knew I’d never be able to do. Though I wished I could stay in that class all day, I had a full schedule. Something about making up for lost time. They also put my in a sign language class. When I asked why, the guidance counselor simply said “Because you have two hands.” At first I thought it was some stupid joke but after my first day at Yamaku I saw why. And I guess they needed all the translators they could. Helped to integrate the deaf students into the school’s social circles. Not that I’d ever be much good at that.

Today was Tuesday though. Best day of the week. After class, I took the long route back to the dorms, past the soccer field. I suddenly felt scared. I wondered if the Nurse’s spies were watch. No matter, I brushed it off. Women’s soccer had matches on Tuesdays at home, Thursdays were matches away. I had looked up the schedule on the school’s website, though the schedule was probably for parents. Students were supposed to ask.

Walking by the field, a crowd had already taken seats in the stands. I never sat down but I thought it looked reasonable to stand and watch for a little while. Like, “Oh, I’m just on my way home but then I happened to see this soccer match and thought I’d just watch for a little bit.” Like anyone’d believe that though, two months in a row. But I couldn’t stop now. If people had seen me and I stopped, then they’d think I had been planning something. If I sat down, that’d be weird too. Why hadn’t I done it after the first week? The situation was too complex now.

Stopping, I looked for her golden hair blitzing across the field. Jessica Frederson, captain of the Girl’s Soccer team. And daughter of the former German Ambassador, I found out thanks to some internet research. I knew why she was here though. A news article from three years ago revealed her and her family had been in a car accident, a really bad one. On the way home from a diplomatic dinner, their car had been hit side-on by a speeding driver running a red light. Her father was restricted to a wheelchair, his spine snapped. Jessica had lost her left arm at the elbow, mangled in the metal. She’d also needed a new kidney and liver, which had failed after internal bleeding. Her mother, at the wheel that night, died.

Apparently Jessica had made a remarkable recovery, as donor organs were found quickly. Her father had retired from politics after that, and also to the Japanese coast. His wife was buried here, so apparently that was reason enough to stay. Jessica had lived here her entire life as well, so I guess it made sense for her to stay.

She was beautiful, the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. 165 cm tall, thin and with close-cropped blonde hair. A sporty look, I guess. But her best feature was her eyes. Steely blue with determination, I caught glances of them on the field, vicious and sharp and ready for battle. I’d also seen them up close once. I accidentally bumped into her, the first day I was at Yamaku. Off the pitch, her eyes were kind and colored like a warm summer sky.

“I’m terribly sorry,” she had said.

“N-no… it’s my fault. I should… should’ve been paying more attention.”

“Your loss then, it’s a great advantage for me to be in your debt,” she smiled ear to ear, “Jessica Frederson, 3-3.”

“Kawamori. 3…, 3-2.”

“Well Mister Kawamori, do you have a first name?”

“K-Koji.”

“Well Koji, where I’m from we call friends by their first names.” The bell rang. “Shit, I gotta get to class. See you around, Koji!”

“B-…Bye!” I turned and wove as she tore down the hallway. Bearing in mind the fact that she was born and raised in Japan, the gesture was still nice. I greatly appreciated it. She was the first at Yamaku, though not knowing of my condition, who’d been genuinely friendly to me.

Everyone in my class had been debriefed on my condition. It was protocol, with something as potentially dangerous as MRSA. Jessica hadn’t known – she couldn’t know – and had thus been friendly to me. I could never tell her, and could never speak to her. I didn’t want her getting hurt. I knew, she being immuno-compromised from the transplants, was at more a risk than anyone else. If she caught what I’d had… she’d die. Fuck, that was the reason I’d got it in the first place. It’s one thing to go through… all that… and then find out you caught the killer bug, MRSA, and could die anyway? I’d almost offed myself then. The added pain was unbearable. I didn’t want anyone to go through that. Especially not her.

So I watched her. I tried not to be creepy about it, but there was no other way. I couldn’t talk to her, talk to anyone.

I was there, watching the game, that Tuesday. The coach called a time out. Jessica called out for a towel and deftly wiped the sweat off herself, a combination of overcompensating with her right arm and calculated placement of the remains of her left. Grabbed a bottle of water and practically downed it in one gulp. She talked with her teammates, probably discussing plays, then ran back onto the field. At the last second, she turned around and looked, looked directly at me.

I turned away as quickly as possible. She saw me. Had I been staring? Had she felt my eye on her? Was I leering? Oh God I didn’t want to be leering. I was a creep now, a stalker. She saw me, she knew. I practically ran back to the dorms.

* * *

VariableValkyrie: <Jake, are you there?>

Deaddrop1911: <always around somewhere buddy>

Deaddrop1911: <was in the middle of a match but whenever you start with “are you there” its gotta be more importatn>

VariableValkyrie: <It’s just stupid League of Legends anyway, it’s destroying your brain.>

Deaddrop1911: <so you admit i have a brain to destory>

VariableValkyrie: <Not if you keep up the misspellings. How am I better than you at typing your native language?>

Deaddrop1911: <whatever bro>

Deaddrop1911: <whats up?>

VariableValkyrie: <She saw me today. At the soccer field.>

VariableValkyrie: <I’m a creeper now, aren’t I? That’s what Americans call it these days, right?>

Deaddrop1911: <i think you’re overreacting>

Deaddrop1911: <besides how does she know you were watching her?>

Deaddrop1911: <you were just there to supports the team is all>

VariableValkyrie: <The school outcast suddenly has spirit? I don’t think so man.>

Deaddrop1911: <whatever, bro>

Deaddrop1911: <did you talk to her? explain yourself?>

VariableValkyrie: <No.>

VariableValkyrie: <One day. The bandages come off next week, or so they say.>

Deaddrop1911: <that’s good>

Deaddrop1911: <from what the internet tells me youre fine from here on out. not contagious at all.>

VariableValkyrie: <I’ll believe it when I see it.>

There was a knock on the door. The clock on the computer said it was 7:48, but time didn’t really matter to me. My bandages were changed and my homework done. I was free to delve into cyberspace as wished. Why would the nurse be bothering me? He was the only one who came around, usually when I forgot to come in to him or when I refused to. I went over to the door, picking up a loose paper, placing it in the appropriate bin and opened it. I hooked in the little door chain I had illegally installed on the door and opened up. I had wanted to get a stronger-security bar but I feared that might be too obvious and I’d get written up.

“Hey there Koji.”

It wasn’t the nurse. It was Jessica. Oh shit, oh shit. She saw me staring, she must have. She’s here to confront me, to report me. I’m fucked. They’ll take my computer away, as punishment. What do I do? What the fuck do I do?

“…Hi.”

“Can I come in?”

The prettiest girl in school, come to my room, and wants to come in? This has to be a set-up.

“I… I mean y-you… you d-don’t know about… me. I’m – I’m dangerous. To you. To… everyone.”

“You mean the MRSA?” She said it like ‘mursuh,’ not spelled out as I’d usually heard.

She knew. How did she know? She knew that I was a walking time bomb and could kill her at any moment.

My face must have shown nothing but shock or horror, because she continued: “You’re wondering how I know. Nurse told me. He also said that you’re pretty much healthy now. The antibiotics killed most of it or something and now the risk factor is pretty much zilch. Now are you gonna let me in or not?”

I nodded nervously, closed the door, removed the chain and opened the door. The first time someone’s coming in to my inner sanctum. It’s probably because it is her that I’m opening the door. Anyone else and I might have shut the door and deadbolted it, but the one person who’s shown me genuine kindness… Still there may be something to this. Can’t let my guard down.

“Wow, this is a cleaaan,” she said walking my room, “my room’s a positive dump compared to this.”

“Y-yeah, they said at the hospital I should be… cleaner.”

Clean was an understatement. I was proud of how clean my room was. One dresser, one desk, one bed and one closet. Two pairs of shoes, two uniform jackets and two uniform shirts hung neatly in the closet. Two pairs of everything else neatly in the dresser, on top of which were various sorting bins for papers and assorted things. My bed was made; you could bounce a coin off the taught sheets. Desk had the monitor, mouse and keyboard, all wires properly hidden away underneath the desk and stapled to the wall to prevent them from getting caught and tangled.

“Oh man you have a computer? That is so cool! How’d you manage to get away with that?”

“My parents… I’m from K-Kagoshima so it’s hard for them to come visit…”

“I see, I see. Con man are we?” She winked.

Winking? At me? This was too strange.

“Do you play video games? I mean, with a computer like that you have to!” She continued, barely noticing my confusion. “I used to play a lot before, well, I think you can guess.” She held up her stump.

“Y-yeah, I can see how that’d make… things hard… I’m sorry, I don’t want – I didn’t mean – It’s just –“

“It’s fine, really. I’m used to it by now. Besides, I play soccer now. Not the same as fighting aliens or solving crimes or getting in a war but it’s an adrenaline rush all the same! Say, do you have any new games? Like from this year?”

A girl. No. The girl. In my room. Asking about my video games. This is like some sick dream, it has to be.

“L-like… from this year new?”

“Yeah, you know, newer than from before my accident. Without computers here at school I have to read about new games from magazines from the convenience store. Do you know how antiquated that feels? My dad can access his entire movie library from his cell phone but I have to read about video games in a magazine!”

“Uh, s-sure then…”

I went over to the computer. Opened the games directory.

Deaddrop1911: <dude?>

Deaddrop1911: <duuuuuude?>

Deaddrop1911: <im calling your mom if you dont answer.>

Deaddrop1911: <im serious bro>

Shit. Jake.

VariableValkyrie: <I’ve got to go, I’ll be back later.>

I signed off as quickly as humanly possible.

“Who was that?” She was watching.

“J-Just… a friend.”

She shrugged it off. “Wow, this thing is fast. I mean, I must be out of the technological loop, it’s been about four years since I last used a computer, but this is fast. Wait, is that Portal 2? The first came out right after I got out of the hospital? This one is brand new! Can we – er, you, play it?”

I booted up the game. I guess Jessica likes Western games, too. Though that makes sense. And for a second I was relaxed, merely thinking about playing games with this girl before I realized, it was this girl. Jessica Frederson, star of the soccer team.

“Stop being nervous and play the game, dude. I only have like 30 minutes before I haveta get going and do my homework.”

And so I played the game, trying my hardest to pretend that there wasn’t someone watching at all times. While she was also having visceral reactions to the game. Her eyes darted across the screen, eating up every moment.

Some time passed, then:

“Hey Koji, what time is it? I don’t wear a watch because… well you know.”

“Uh…” I checked my watch. “E-Eight fifty… two,” as the second hand passed 12.

“Shitshitshit, I’m not gonna have enough time to do my homework. I gotta run, dude. But I did come here to talk to you for a reason, don’t forget that. I’ll find you at lunch tomorrow, we’ll talk then.”

“B-bye,” I called after her golden whoosh.

A whole hour spent with Jessica. It was like a dream come true… but I dream I didn’t want to have. Every time I thought about her, her giggling and smiling, I thought about the potential harm. I mean the nurse did say I was better, but they said that when I was 8, too. And look what happened then. And she said she was going to find me? She must really be one of the nurse’s spies. Did the nurse know where I ate lunch? It was a private spot. Really private. Not something cliché like the roof either. I suddenly dreaded tomorrow.

* * *

I liked Sign Language class well enough. I could sit in the back and watch other people translate. I practiced sometimes in the mirror in the bathroom but like usual I was content to watch. There was someone new in the room today though. A young woman, perhaps just 21 or 22, with long brown hair. She was dressed in a plain skirt and professional shirt, looking the part of a sophisticated college student. The instructor said, signing along the whole time:

“This is our new Teaching assistant, Shiina Mikado. She’s working with us while she studies to become a sign language teacher.”

“Please, call me Misha! I’m not a teacher yet! Wahaha~”

I didn’t know the sign for her curious laugh but the motions she made seemed to nail it.

“Anyway, I graduated from Yamaku not too long ago-“

She was interrupted by one of the, let’s say, more brutish students in the middle of the classroom. “What’s your disability?”

The teacher shot him a dirty look but Mikado took it in stride.

“Well, I’d rather not get into that now. But I learned sign language like you guys did, in this very classroom! So I’m so very glad to be working here now! Wahaha~”

And so Mikado lead today’s lesson, seeming to know exactly where the instructor left off. She’s good, I thought. She signs like it’s second nature. Her energy and friendliness suit her choice of teaching too. The bell rings after a while and I try to silently slink out as usual.

“Ah, Kawamori, is it?” Mikado calls across the room to me. Instantly all the eyes in the classroom turn on me. Shit shit shit. I’m sweating bullets.

“Just wait around for a moment? I’d like to speak with you.”

The class takes this as their cue to stop staring and continue out the door. After they’ve left, Mikado comes running, no, bouncing over to me.

“Koji, Koji Kawamori?”

“Y-yes?”

She extends her hand. “Pleased to meet you. And please, call me Misha! Wahaha~, I’m really not a teacher yet.”

I limply return the handshake. There are no bandages on my lower arm but the ones on my face are painfully obvious.

“Your instructor here says you don’t have a partner to practice with. Why’s that?”

“I… I don’t… the other students wouldn’t want to practice with me.”

“That’s silly~ They have to practice with you, it’s part of the experience in school life! Meeting others, forming social bonds, all that stuff!”

I just nod. What is she getting at?

“Anyway, Koji – can I call you Koji? I’ll call you Koji – I’m extending you a one time offer totally not refusable one time deal here! One on one practice sessions with me, after the day’s classes are over.”

“But… I-“

“Nonsense! Wahaha~ We’ll meet in the room, it’s usually empty after class. If it isn’t we’ll go to the roof or something like that. Anyway, get to your next class, kid. You’re going to be late!”

I bow and run off. This is… this is scary. And unprecedented. I thought you were allowed to do things at your own pace here? Well I guess if she’s from Yamaku, she understands. But I still feel rushed. And frustrated. This is too much for me to handle right now. I look at my watch. Lunch in two periods. Shit.

* * *

The alley between the gymnasium and the school was rarely, if ever used. At one point the two buildings were completely separate but at some point they built a tunnel connecting the two, leaving two alleys on either side. The one more facing the school grounds was a common hangout, a nice bit of shade. The other side, facing the fence, was my side. When it was nice out, which I discovered when I first came to the school, it was secluded and quiet but still outside. Now that it was spring I had started coming back out. The gardeners had still not trimmed it up from the winter so it was a bit overgrown. But it was still my side, I was comfortable there.

I unpacked my lunch from my bag. Once a week, Sunday nights, I went down to town to get supplies. Seven boxed lunches, enough ramen for dinners and a box of cereal for breakfast. But as far as I could tell, I hadn’t been followed. Maybe Jessica forgot. Hopefully she forgot. Then, halfway through my lunch, I saw her walking around the corner of the gym.

“Hey Koji! This place is hard to find.”

That is why I ate there.

“H-how did you find me? …I didn’t see a-anyone follow me.”

She pulled out a small cell phone.

“Emails! I just made use of the spy network to find out where you were going. Wonders of technology, these things.”

Cheeky. But my suspicions were confirmed. The nurse was watching me… somehow. I didn’t like that feeling of that.

“Whatcha got for lunch, dude?”

“J-just a boxed meal… from the store.”

“Laaaame. Here, have some of my spargel. I made it myself! It’s not in season, but even fresh asparagus is hard to get in Japan so I make due.”

I glanced at the little plastic box she had opened while she sat down across from me in the alley. Little white stalks of vegetable stared back at me. It wasn’t really like anything I’d seen before.

“It’s from back home. A national treasure. Come on, have one!”

I grabbed a stalk with my chopsticks. It wasn’t bad. Tender and juicy. I was surprised, they looked at first like little white sticks.

“Good, right? My… my mom taught me how to make it. Before, you know.”

“I – I, uh…” I tried to change topics. “Is it… hard to cook… with just one hand?”

“Hahaha, yeah it is! Nobody ever asks though, they’re too afraid of offending me or something. Luckily all you really have to do is steam the spargel and add sauce to the top. Pretty easy and fast, too.”

“It’s pretty good… thank you f-for sharing.”

“No problem. Oh! I’m supposed to talk to you about something.” She was clearly easily distracted, but she continued. “Why do you stop by the soccer matches once a week? The other ‘spies’ tell me you don’t go to any other events.”

I glanced nervously to the side, completely unsure as to what to say. That I went there to catch a glimpse of her? That it was a highlight of my week? I mean, I barely knew the rules of soccer. You kicked the ball into the net and that’s about all I ever figured out. I just shrugged, hoping that’d be enough of a response.

“Hmm. You don’t look like you play; I think your main hobby is video games. And I don’t think you’re interested in it because you like to watch sports. You don’t have any posters in your room or watch the games in the lounge with other kids… but you do have internet, so maybe you watch it there? …Nah. I’m going to guess… you’ve got a crush on someone on the team!”

Horror. Shock. Blood drained from my face. If it was fully uncovered she’d see how pale – paler – I had just become. Pupils dilated. Mouth slightly agape. I just saw the face of infinity and it scared me.

“That’s it! I knew it! Some of the girls, maybe your girl-“ She giggled, “might think it’s kind of creepy. Guy watching a girl week after week? I think it’s kind of sweet though. I mean, given your conditions and personality, it shows you really care! Enough to go out once a week and cheer her on, despite how much it hurts to be in public.”

If only you knew, Jessica. If only you knew. She seemed lost in thought for a little bit. She at another piece of asparagus, mulling something over in her head. If I wasn’t so crippled with anxiety right now I’d be running for my life, just to be out of it. She finished the piece and spoke again.

“That settles it then.”

“W-what?” I’m totally beguiled.

“I’m gonna be your wingman. I’ll help you get out there and confess to her, tell you what to say and all that. You know, win her heart!”

The situation went from bad to worse at that moment. 100 to 200 km/h. I’m almost certain I gulped, like in some bad cartoon. Thankfully, the bell rang.

“Aw man, I didn’t even get to finish! Spent too much time looking for you.” She winked. “Anyway, I gotta jet. I’ve been late too many times for English already, teacher’ll kill me if I’m late again. See you later Koji, we’ll work on this together!”

“S-see… you. See you later.”

With a flash she was gone again, and I sat there completely confused. What would I do? What would happen when she found out it was her? She was going to make me talk to people? She was going to spend time with me? She’d get sick. I’d get people sick. What about when she finds out I have no friends at all? She’d reject me, even before she finds out I… I like her. In that way. I hung my head. This was going to be bad.

* * *

“Koji! I’m glad you came! Wahaha~”

I was standing outside the sign language classroom. Mikado was there. Apparently there was a club meeting after classes. I guess we’d be going somewhere else.

“Y-you... made me.”

“True enough! I may not be a teacher but I can still make you students do things!”

Frightening. Unchecked power in her hands would give me nightmares.

“So let’s get started! Basic conversation, see what you know and all that! [Good afternoon, Koji!]”

I raised my hands in front of me and fumbled to put words together. I really hadn’t practiced as much as I liked to have thought I did.

“[Good… evening. No… I sorry… good… afternoon, Mr…. No, no, no, Mrs-]” Embarrassment all over my face.

“Wahaha~ [No need for formalities! Misha, please!]”

“[Good… afternoon… Misha.]”

“[How are you today?]”

“[I… good-]”

“[I’m.]”

“[I’m… fine.]”

“[Glad to see that. Tell me something about you, Koji.]”

“[I… play… games. On computer. I’m… not… social.]”

Was I really telling her that, here on the roof with my hands? I guess the disconnect between my head and my hands was greater than between my head and my mouth. It was easier, this way. Even if I didn’t have the words, she was watching my hands, not my bandaged face.

“[Any friends here at school? Someone you get lunch with, maybe?]” She said it with a wink.

She must have seen me at lunch, somehow. I mean, the alley was close to the teacher’s parking lot… Shit was this rumor going around the school? What would people think? The other students were really keen to spread rumors and gossip, I’d overheard a lot of things. In a day my entire life had changed. I wanted it to back to normal. I just wanted to go back to my dorm and fall asleep. This was a bad dream. Misha looked at me with some concern. I guess panic had set in again.

“Touched a nerve there, did I? Hey kiddo, it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about it. Topic dropped.”

Was it raining? It had to be raining all right. My cheek was all wet. With my eye also went the tear ducts. I had figured this out on multiple occasions. Crying from one eye, to self pity, is the saddest thing I’d ever experienced.

“Hey, hey, calm down. I really didn’t mean to push. There, there,” she said patting my shoulder. She came in to embrace me for a hug.

No no no, she can’t touch me. She’ll get sick. I can’t let her touch me.

“N-no… No. Stop. Don't! DON’T TOUCH ME!”

I pushed out of her arms and ran for the doorway. I didn’t stop until I got back to my dorm. Locked the bolt and the chain. Went over to my bed and cried.

* * *

I didn’t go to class the next day. I don’t remember if I ate, either. Didn’t leave my room at all. There was no need. I was done for. If I showed my face around school I’d be laughed out. Better to stay in here, flunk out and have my parents come pick me up.

I didn’t answer my mother when she called me, either. I didn’t tell here about most things. She surely did not have to hear about this.

For a few hours at night I was on my computer. Bullshitting with Jake. He really did have my mom’s skype address. If I worried him to much he would call her. So I didn’t say anything. How pathetic was that? Lying to someone I’d never really met? But mostly I just slept, wrapped in a blanket and darkness. I was safe here, in my cocoon. My thoughts drifted, to a better time. The last good time I can remember from before. The sky is a violent eruption of reds, oranges and yellows. The sun is setting and there are clouds painted red. Somewhere above a seagull cackles its maniacal laughter. The water is a deep blue, but calm. Katsuo and I are playing the water. He’s six, I think. I’m getting tired though, we’ve been at the beach all day.

“Boys!” my mother calls to us. “We’re going to head out soon, come dry off.”

There’s no one else left at the beach. The warm summer air stings the drying salt water on my face and smells like the glorious ocean. This is my quiet place, where I retreat to in my head when I need to relax and be free. After the first time the same beach was my private place, through middle school and then the first year of high school. At dusk it was quiet and beautiful. The warmth of the setting sun burned away all my problems.

It’s so far away now. It’s been so long since I’ve been home. Since I’ve seen the sun set. I wish I were home. I wish I didn’t have to be at this stupid school, ostracized at a school for outcasts.

I don’t mean that. They’re good people here at Yamaku. But they’re stigmatized and kept away from society. Even the townspeople manage to look at them and I strangely, every once in a while. Do cigarettes relieve stress? Maybe I should take up smoking. It’s not like my health can get worse.

What was I going to do? I didn’t have enough food to last me forever. I’d have to leave to resupply. Maybe if I ran away? No, there was too much of my stuff here. I’d never be able to carry my computer around with me. And then there was my medication. I was tethered to someone else, no matter what. I hated this. So restricted, so needy. If people weren’t horrified by me they pitied me instead.

Minutes turned to hours. I laid there in thought, contemplating the futility of my situation. I could stop taking the medications and let myself go. The pain of death would be a way out. Nobody would have to worry about me or my future. My grades had suffered because of the extended absences in the hospital. College was then ruled out. I couldn’t get a job because I had no skills. I couldn’t even join the military or work as a laborer because of my stupid fucking eye. Hikikomori or death. Not a hard choice. Sometimes I wish I were an otaku. At least then I’d have no shame. I could be blissfully unaware of myself, lost in some fantasy world or another.

BANG BANG BANG. Someone was at the door. I checked my watch. 4:02 PM, Thursday. Only one person it could be, the Nurse. If I ever missed our regularly scheduled checkups and didn’t show the next day, he’d come find me. I felt my bandages. They didn’t feel wet, which was good. Maybe I wouldn’t get the berating I’ve gotten before, if the bandages were doing okay. They needed to be changed to get rid of the excess fluids and to let my wounds breathe for a few minutes. I took off my button-down uniform shirt, wrinkled by a day of laying in it. Usually I just wore a light t-shirt underneath but it was hot yesterday, so I didn’t have anything on at all.

“J-Just a second!” I called out, peeling the first layers of my head bandages off. Might as well get this over with as fast as I could. My hair wasn’t long but it stuck to the bandages. They told me to let it grow, that way I could look “normal” when I finally was able to keep the cloth strips off my face. It was easy to get it off my face, impossible to get it on. My neck and shoulder were hard to reach too, but I didn’t want to be too much of a burden. I did the best that I could, so the Nurse would be done with it quickly.

I open the door. Jessica. A look of shock on her face. A gasp. Try and close the door as hard as I can. Left stump jammed in between the door and the frame, foot pushing against the door itself. No one needed to see me like this, especially not her. She was stronger than me though, pushing the door as hard as I was.

“Wait, Koji… wait! Just open… the door!”

“N-no! I can’t! N-Not like this!”

She let go. The door slammed shut. I slid down it, knees on the floor and hands still pushing fruitlessly.

“Koji…” a muffled voice on the other side. “I… I didn’t mean to startle you. Just… put something on, the nurse sent me.”

I didn’t want to. I shouldn’t have to. But something deep inside told me it was okay, if I covered up. I don’t know what animal instinct it was, but I guess it was a desire for human contact. And information. If Mik- Misha had known about Jessica and I’s lunch, then Jessica would surely know what the rest of the school knew. Whether they heard about my breakdown on the roof. Maybe there was a chance I could back outside.

“O…okay.”

I pulled my shirt back on. The cotton against my scarred skin felt strange, a sensation the skin hadn’t felt since it all began. Shit. I couldn’t wrap my face. There wasn’t anything in my dorm I could use to cover up, either. I held my hand up to my face and covered my eye and upper cheek. If this wasn’t a cliché I didn’t know what was. Maybe having hair that covered it entirely.

I opened the door and let Jessica in.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t know you’d be, well, like that. Actually, I didn’t know at all what was under your bandages. I don’t think anyone does. And I didn’t expect you to be naked when I walked in.”

I clearly looked upset, because she apologized.

“That was a joke, sorry. Anyway, the nurse said you missed yesterday’s appointment. He usually comes here then, he said, but thought it might be better if someone else managed to get you out. He’s worried, even though he won’t say it.”

“W-Wasn’t there… a game today? Y-You know… away…?”

“Oh, that. It’s not important. I go to every game, I can afford to miss one. Besides, the Nurse thought it was important to get you out. I trust his judgment.”

“W-well… okay. T-Thanks-s for… coming, I g-guess.”

“Ah, it’s nothing, really! So hey, need help with those head bandages? They seem pretty hard to get on by yourself…” She grabbed one of the cotton strips off the bed and stretched it out between her hand and under her armpit, looking like she was picturing how to best wrap my head up. The bandage, and her hand, were really close to my face. I panicked.

“NO!” She was startled, her eyes growing wide. “I… I m-mean, no thanks… I don’t like people… touching me. W-without…. Gloves. For p-protection.”

“Well the Nurse said you were fiiiiine, but have it your way. Heh, I don’t think anyone will recognize you without them! But let’s goooo, I told him I’d get you back there as soon as possible.”

And like that she opened the door back up and led me across the grounds. This was clearly a step between not wanting to disappoint her and not wanting to get in trouble the nurse, but it was frightening. I had both hands covering my face, which made it even more conspicuous. So long as no one saw, I thought, I’d be fine. How ridiculous that was though. Like no one would notice the foreign girl leading a guy covering his face with his hands all across the school. Why was I even doing this? I’d be fine alone.

Keeping up with Jessica is hard, she’s practically sprinting there, but we make it soon enough.

“Hey, I’ll be out here when you’re done,” she smiles, “we’ll go get coffee or tea or something.”

Gulp. I hope she didn’t hear that. But for some reason I can’t say no to this girl. So I just nod and head in.

“Ah, there you are.” The nurse looks a bit pleased to see me, but this quickly changes. “I hear you had a rough afternoon yesterday.”

I just look at him, unsure of what to say.

“Misha’s an old patient of mine, as you might of have guessed. She used to come in here every once in a while when she was going to Yamaku. For her disability. Anyway, she came to me after you freaked out on her yesterday – which you should stop doing, you know, if you don’t want us to get worried – and was asking all about you. She’s a sharp one, figured I’d know most about the guy with the bandages.” He was smirking now.

“So, let’s get your medicine out and get you some bandages. Only three more days of this you know? And, shoot kid, you made it all the way here without ‘em and didn’t die. You might not need this crutch anymore.”

I guess I hadn’t though of it that way before. I thought they were helping me heal, not sheltering me. In that way they were better than any locked door or computer screen.

* * *

“Hey, look at that! All fresh and ready to go?” Such a positive attitude after the 30-minute wait. This girl was something.

I just shrugged meekly in return. Where would she take me next? I hadn’t gotten the chance to talk to her yet, so I couldn’t refuse. I don’t think she’d let me anyway.

“Y-you weren’t… bored, w-waiting?”

“Nah, I’ve got some games on my cellphone!” She whipped it out of a pocket in her skirt I didn’t think she’d have. “It’s a lot easier to play games one handed on one of these, you know what I mean?”

I nodded and followed her outside.

“W-where are going?” I asked as we passed through the gate. That gate that was the first barrier of defense against the outside. Kept me protected and kept everyone else protected from me.

She seemed pensive, thinking about it hard. “Well it’s a bit early for a big meal… and I don’t eat fast food… too late for a picnic… that settles it!”

“Hmm?”

“The Shanghai!” Her eyes lit up like she’d just made a major breakthrough. She got so excited over the little things in life. It was kind of infectious.

“T-the… Shanghai?”

“Yeah, it’s this nice little tea house. But don’t worry; they serve pretty good food there. And they cater to students a lot from Yamaku so they’re all used to us freaks marching in and out all day long.”

Glad to know that she thought of herself as a freak, too. Admittedly, her disability was just as visible as mine. I should really stop making seeing jokes, it feels too self-depreciating.

So down the hill we went, a few turns through the narrow streets of the town and we were there. It occurred to me that we were deeper into town than I’d ever been before. The convenience store was right there on the main road, I had no need to go around town at all.

She noticed. “First time into town?”

“W-well I… I usually just go to the convenience store. F-for… lunches and things.”

“You should get out more, you know? Even in just this small town there’s lots to do. Not as much as the city of course, but still things to do and places to go. Ah, we’re here.”

Old fashioned and unassuming, the Shanghai didn’t look like a place Jessica would come to. I guess I can’t say that though, I don’t know her that well. Inside it was even more old fashioned than outside. High backed booths ringed the outside though. That was good, nice and private. There was a clatter and a couple of loud thumps from the back as we came in.

“W-Welcome to the Shanghai!” A voiced called from in the back. “P-Please sit wherever you like and I’ll be out in a minute!”

“The corner over there alright, Koji?” Jessica pointed to a secluded private booth.

“Y-yeah, that one looks… good, I guess.”

Almost immediately after we had sat down a woman, about 30, with reddish hair and glasses, joined us. Jessica clearly knew her.

“You didn’t have to rush Yuuko, we were fine waiting!”

“T-the customer always comes first! I can finish the dishes later.”

“Oh, Yuuko, this is Koji. Koji, Yuuko.”

“N-Nice to meet you,” I said.

“Yuuko used to be Yamaku’s librarian, but now she’s off doing bigger and better things! How goes your university studies, by the way?”

“I-I thought I was good at Latin and Greek before… but this stuff can be so overwhelming. But at the same time, it’s really fascinating.” Her expression of bewilderment almost made me feel like she was overwhelmed all the time, but it probably wasn’t proper to mention it.

“She’s studying Ancient History at the university in the city, and if she thinks its tough, I’d probably die. I’m no good at history at all.

“I-It’s not that… tough,” I replied, “It’s a-all about seeing the… story of it. L-Like people always wonder why there was a second world war so soon after a first… it’s because of the first one that the second one even happened. G-Ger- er, your country, was left depressed and bitter and spent years planning a comeback… and the c-cost of war on Europe allowed us, well, J-Japan to expand… when such forces were allowed unchecked i-it was inevitable.”

“Hmm. I guess you really like this stuff too. You should tutor me in it, I’m always almost failing…”

I noticed Yuuko was shifting her weight back and forth, a bit uneasy.

“W-We should order now, r-right?”

“I completely forgot! Yes, let’s! I’ll have a turkey sandwich and some black coffee. Koji?”

“A s-sandwich for me t-too… and some regular tea. S-skim milk, if you have it.”

“I’ll check,” Yuuko said, “Will that be all?”

We nodded in near unison and she hurried away.

“So Koji, you’re not from around here, are you?”

I shook my head.

“Me neither. Well I mean besides the obvious. Up until my dad retired our official residence was in Berlin, but I grew up in Shinjuku. Tokyo has always been my home moreso than Germany. Every time we went there, for confrences or state visits or to go see family or something I felt so out of place. Sure I spoke the language and knew all about Germany but… there’s nothing like home, right? I think that’s why my dad decided to stay here, after the accident and retirement. He knows that I like it here better, am more used to things here.”

Her eyes tensed up and her brow furrowed. Her lower lip quivered.

“Wow, I didn’t expect to tell you all that on our first date.”

I practically threw up.

She laughed, really hard, a deep belly laugh. “I’m just kidding you, dude! She kicked me under the table. “Stop thinking so much. Anyway, where are you from?”

“K-Kago… Kagoshima. A small town… near the water.”

“Woooow, Kyushu? That’s really far south. Hmm. I guess you’re really unused to living here, where it actually gets cold.”

“W-Winters are really warm… well, warmer than here. It’s different being here. Being away from the ocean.”

“Well we have an ocean here too you know. You could probably take the train or something.”

I shrugged. “I-I like Yamaku… and the town. Small and i-isolated… like home.” Too bad there were people here though.

“Yeah, it’s pleasant, isn’t it? Relaxed and all that. I’ve gotten to see a lot of the prefecture too, thanks to the soccer team. Compared to the hustle and bustle of Tokyo… it’s relaxed. That’s the best word for it.”

Yuuko came over with a tray, two sandwiches and the two hot beverages.

“We, uh, didn’t have skim… Is one percent okay?”

I nod and Yuuko bows and leaves.

“Looks good, eh Koji? Let’s dig in.”

The girl was ravenous. A minute passed and the sandwich was gone. Sandwiches seemed easy enough for her to eat, though she had to put it down to take sips of her coffee. I suppose if she had both hands it’d only take 30 seconds to finish the meal.

“Ahh, that was good. I always like coming here; turkey is so exotic around these parts. How’s yours?”

“G-Good… the tea is good too.”

“Glad to hear it. I needed the caffeine shot from this coffee. Usually I have some energy drinks or something before practice, you know? It gives me a boost I need to playwellandogoodinclass – whoa there, fräulein, too much too fast.” She exhaled and calmed herself down.

“F-Fräulein?”

“Yeah, it’s a German word… it’s what my dad calls me sometimes. It means young girl or something like that. It’s antiquated but my dad’s an old fashioned guy. Speaking of language, do you speak English?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Thought so. I saw your computer was running in English and you were talking to someone in it. You must be good at it if you use it as the primary language on your computer!”

“W-Well I was always watching old… American movies. I guess… I j-just picked up somewhere along the way.”

“<Well this is great, someone I can talk to in Englisch! I can’t tell you how bad the people in my class are.>”

“<S-So, you speak Eigo, too?>”

“<And Deutsch, Putonghua and Nihongo!> My parents made sure I’d be prepared to talk to anyone they met. Such is the life of a diplomat’s daughter. Comes in handy though. <So, what are you doing after this?>”

What kind of question was that? I was going to go home and sleep, probably. Teachers didn’t seem to care if I did my homework or not after I missed class so I’d just show up tomorrow and be done with it.

“<N-nothing…> I guess.”

“Want to play more Portal with, er, for me then? <Turn on the English audio this time, I’m pretty sure the seiyu are putting more effort in, because it’s their game.>”

“S-Sure… we can d-do that.”

I reach into my pocket for a ten-yen note.

“No dude, I got this. What’s the fun in being an aristocrat if you can’t give your friends some free meals?”

Friends.

“I-I just…”

“Don’t want to owe me? Forget about it.”

From the same strange and hidden pocket she keeps her cell phone a wad of banknotes soon appeared. She put down more than enough for the bill and leads me out of the restaurant, shouting a goodbye.

The walk back up the hill is uneventful and silent. Jessica doesn’t seem to mind the silence though, despite being one of the most talkative people I know. She’s got this ear-to-ear smile on her face as she walks next to me. I don’t know what she’s so happy about but it’s something nice to see. Her short hair is blowing in the light wind and the setting sun forms a corona around her head. The pale blond of her hair is painted a beautiful red. A setting sun and a still breeze, Jessica and I walking up the hill to Yamaku. Thinking about it, this is why she’s at peace. There’s nothing to be worried about here, during this 10-minute walk. Even if something happened we couldn’t know if we got back. Time to stop and smell the flowers, figuratively and literally. So I do.

“Koji?” Jessica turns around after I stop and let the scene envelop me. Now her face is darkened, turned away from the sun. The edges of her hair are red, like fire on the mountain. She’s at the apex of the hill, the setting sun casting it’s magic upon the sky and her back. I’m in my happy place. I’m at the beach now, peaceful again. I never thought it possible.

“I-It’s just… so beautiful.” I’m looking through her and around her, not at her. I hope she understands.

She turns around. I think she does.

“I think… I think we’re on the same wavelength now, Koji.”

“T-This is the first time… I’ve seen a s-sunset like this since coming to this school.”

“It’s magnificent, isn’t it? The light playing on the trees and hills. Want to just watch it for a while?”

I nod and head off the road, up the hill opposite the school’s main gate. We sit down next to each other and sit there for an hour or so, just watching the sunset. It’s beautiful. This is a perfect moment. The sun has burned away all my worries. In this moment there is only the sun, universe, Jessica and myself.

The sky eventually turns dark and the last bursts of sun fall behind the circumference of the Earth.

“Well, how about that video game, huh?”

“R-right.”

Somehow playing video games in my room wasn’t quite the same as watching the sunset but it was still nice to spend some time with somebody. She was late leaving again but I wasn’t too upset when she stayed nearly to nine. We were about halfway through the game now and she was already asking to look at my back catalog of games to see what we could play next. Something similar I’d guess, with a focus on story so we could both get into it.

After she left I logged on.

VariableValkyrie: <Hey Jake.>

Deaddrop1911: <whats shakin, bacon?>

VariableValkyrie: <You’re not going to believe this. I didn’t talk to her. She talked to me. We had dinner together.>

Deaddrop1911: <what like a date?>

VariableValkyrie: <No, I don’t think so.>

Deaddrop1911: <well be careful not to get friendzoned bro>

Deaddrop1911: <its a bad feel>

VariableValkyrie: <You mean feeling, right?>

Deaddrop1911: <feel, feeling, whats the difference?>

VariableValkyrie: <Whatever you say.>

VariableValkyrie: <What do I do next? This has got me so caught up in things I’m afraid I’ll have a panic attack.>

Deaddrop1911: <well youre gonna have to seal the deal sometime soon>

Deaddrop1911: <you gotta make it known youre interested in her in that way>

Deaddrop1911: <else shes gonna think you just want to be her friend>

VariableValkyrie: <Well I’d like to be her friend if nothing else.>

Deaddrop1911: <sure you do>

Deaddrop1911: <but don't think youll ever be able to sweep her off her feet>

Deaddrop1911: <shell only see you as a friend>

VariableValkyrie: <That’s going to be hard. You know how difficult it is for me to talk to people. I can’t imagine confessing to her. My heart is racing just thinking about it.>

Deaddrop1911: <well then you gotta ease your way into it>

Deaddrop1911: <hang out with her and stuff but don't be a bitch>

Deaddrop1911: <show her that despite your whole situation your just a normal high school guy with normal high school emotions and hormones and shit>

VariableValkyrie: <This is getting complex.>

Deaddrop1911: <life is complex>

Deaddrop1911: <thought youd figured that out by now>

Deaddrop1911: <what with all the shit you been through>

VariableValkyrie: <I suppose I know what you mean. Well, I can always kill myself if it doesn't work out.>

Deaddrop1911: <don't talk like that bro>

Deaddrop1911: <seriously>

VariableValkyrie: <Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.>

Deaddrop1911: <its nothing>

Deaddrop1911: <just don't think about it>

Deaddrop1911: <anyway i gotta get my elo up so ill talk to you later>

VariableValkyrie: <Be talking with you, Jake.>

Deaddrop1911: <sure thing, Koji>

After this long, long day I think I can afford to go to sleep early. Sleep comes as a sweet release.

* * *

I wake up the next morning haunted by the fragments of dreams. A sunset on the beach. Golden hair in my fingers. Rush of a train passing by. Heat from an unknown source. Transdimensional doorways. I should really start one of those dream notebooks. I wish I could have remembered this one.

Class passed by uneventfully until sign language. Misha was still there. I guess she’d be there until summer break. After class she came up to me. As I expected. I was feeling great today though, my mind was thankfully elsewhere.

“So Koji, coming to practice today? Roof after classes?”

“Y-yeah, I’ll… be there.”

“Great! Wahaha~” Her smile took up her entire face. “I’ll see you then!”

Well that wasn’t as awkward or strange as I expected. I guess most people, the Nurse excluded, were happy to ignore my panic attack. Easier for me then. One more class passed. English. Then lunch.

I found myself strolling slowly to my secret spot. Subconsciously waiting for Jessica, hoping she’d be joining me for lunch again. Heh. Why would she even want to hang out with me? We barely talk. Lunch is talking time for most people. However, I found I was beaten to the punch. She was already there, leaning on the brick wall and staring out into space.

“Oh there you are! You’re late.”

“I-I didn’t know… there was something… I was supposed to be on time for.”

“You can’t watch the sunset with someone like that not expect to eat lunch with them the next day. That was some deep, introspective stuff man.”

I wasn’t sure if she was mocking me or telling the truth. I decided to dodge the subject.

“W-What about your other friends? The ones… the ones y-you usually eat with?”

“The soccer team? Bah, I see them every day after practice. Plus they talk about the same stuff all the time. Who-likes-who, what everyone’s doing for the weekend – it’s always the same stuff – and how tough classes are. The who-likes-who stuff isn’t even fun, there are no boys around to watch squirm.” She giggled. “I’ve been having more fun with you lately, anyway.”

Me? Fun? I hardly would think so, but I’m not about to tell my crush off. If she wants to hang out with a loser like me, why not? So I just shrug and sit down. Unpack the same boxed meal as last time.

“Same thing again?”

I nodded.

“Then let’s switch. You probably could use a more balanced meal anyway.

Why not? The spargel was pretty good, this couldn’t be that bad. Then I looked down at the little plastic bowl in front of me. A dozen slices of sausage, doused in some sort of red sauce and a little portion of French fries.

“W-What… is this?”

Jessica looked up; she had greedily dug into my boxed lunch already. “Oh, I guess I should’ve told you. It’s called currywurst. It’s pork sausage covered in curried ketchup. It’s really good and really easy to make. A staple of Berlin! Just try it, it’s better than it sounds.”

I stabbed the smallest and least covered piece of sausage with the provided fork. What was I doing? I hated spicy food. Curry was specifically spicy! I slowly raised the piece up to eye level, squinting at it. Fuck it. Here goes nothing. I put it in my mouth and chewed. Surprisingly not bad. And then the spice hit.

“H-hot-hot-hot!”

Jessica was cracking up, her mouth full of rice. “Buff if’s grood, righf?”

She was right, actually. It wasn’t half bad.

She gulped down the morsel in her mouth. “It’s like the hamburger of Germany. Well maybe not, since we have those too… It’s fast food, comfort food. A national pride, in a way. Saying you hate currywurst in Germany is like saying you hate beer… though I guess that applies pretty much everywhere.”

“W-Well it’s good… thanks.”

“Nof proflem,” scarfing down more. The rest of the meal passed in contented silence.

A little while after finishing, Jessica spoke up.

“Hey Koji, do you have a cell phone?”

No, I didn’t. What did I need one for? Nobody to call, my mom called over the internet and my dad and I didn’t talk often. Nobody to e-mail either.

“N-no.”

She seemed to move an idea about in her head, like someone chewing on a particularly large piece of food, switching it back and forth across their mouth.

“Then we’ll have to get you one, then.”

“W-what? W-why?”

“So I can e-mail you and stuff. Think about it like this, girls always like mysterious guys, right? So if I’m e-mailing you then other people will see and think ‘who’s that guy always talking to? He’s so mysterious!’ And it’ll make that girl who have a crush on jealous.”

My face turned a bright red. “W-why would I… I want to d-do that? D-Does that work?”

She shrugged. “Dunno, but it’s worth a shot. Plus everyone needs a phone, what if you got lost or something? Anyway, that settles it. We’ll go into the city tomorrow and get you one.

I think I’m getting used to Jessica’s impulse driven lifestyle but she just keeps ratcheting up the danger. I haven’t been to the city yet, at all. I didn’t like cities, too big and too many people. A dangerous place for someone like me. I didn’t want to go but I don’t think she’d allow that. I also might be able to confess to her.

Hah, that’s rich. That wasn’t going to happen. She wasn’t interested in me, and could never be.

“O-okay.”

“Awesome! Well, the bell is going to ring soon, we should get going. Oh, and I can’t come over to play video games tonight, coach says I missed too much yesterday and have to make it up. Anyway, gotta go dude, I’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early. Might as well make a date of it!”

Did she say date? I think she said date.

“D-date?”

“Yeah, day. You know, spend the whole day doing stuff there. I know lots of great shops and things to do.”

With a quick wave she took off. I was spent.

* * *

“[Good afternoon, Koji Kawamori!] Wahaha~”

Rooftop, after class. Mika- Misha was there waiting.

“[Good afternoon, Misha.]”

“[Ready for today’s practice?]”

“[I guess so.]”

“[Great! Let’s get going then.] Wahaha~”

Practice was actually pretty fun. Once I started getting the hand motions more and more under control, it was easy to lose myself in the conversation. I wasn’t thinking about the stress or anything else that triggered my anxiety. I was free to just talk, provided half of my mind was focused on pulling up signs from some corner of my memory. And almost as quickly as it started, the hour was up and I was free to go.

“Hey Koji, before you go…?”

“Y-yes?”

“I’m sorry about the other day. I know I come on a little strong but I wasn’t aware to the full extent of your… issues.”

Oh great, pity.

“We all have issues, especially at Yamaku. When I was a student here… well I was in love with my best friend. She was my rock and support structure.”

She?

“She… Shizune is a great person. I learned sign language just to be able to talk more freely with her. But in the end I told her what I truly felt. Things were strange and awkward for a while but she still wanted to be my friend. It was hard for her to make friends, because of her disabilities. So I did, heartbroken the entire time. It pained me every day and smiled with gritted teeth. So you’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all this, right?”

I don’t like knowing about people’s personal lives and problems, because inevitably they want to know about mine. Then they’ll reject me. Only those who couldn’t see me, what I really was, seemed to accept me. So I just nodded, hoping to get out of here as quickly as possible.

“Because if I hadn’t I’d regret it for the rest of my life. I’d be more depressed than I was when I was rejected. I would have never known, been always searching and wondering about what could have been. And I’d probably have pushed Shizune away, not wanting to face her every day. So what I’m saying is that when an opportunity presents itself, you have to take it.”

That… wasn’t what I expected. I suppose she has a point, but I don’t know if I ever could. There were too many things to worry about.

“Anyway, I’ll see you on Monday, kid. Hope you have a good weekend.” An ear-to-ear grin. She was back in her happy mode.

“W-wait…”

“Hm?”

“T-hank… thank you… for telling me all that.”

“Ah, it’s nothing. I just figured you could use some advice. We all need some good advice once in a while, especially from people who’ve been there before.”

* * *

“Man, I hate the bus. So much time waiting for it to show up, then so much time for it to get into the city… too bad I don’t have a car. Or a license.”

Jessica was wearing her equivalent of casual clothes. Jeans, a green zip-up sweater and a white shirt, plain and innocuous as possible, hard as that was with one sleeve pinned up. I didn’t own anything even remotely casual so I was there in my uniform, minus the jacket and tie.

“I-I don’t mind… time to think.”

She sighed. “You would say something like that. At least let me be selfish some of the time.” Her tongue was stuck out at me.

And at that moment the bus decided to show up. Loud, old and smelly, I was starting to agree with Jessica. It might be worth it to buy a car just for this one trip. But the trip passed by relatively quickly. The bus driver paid no heed to the kid with bandages all over his head and the girl with one arm but I can’t say the same about the rest of the passengers. This was not good. I sensed them shift away as we walked to the back. I suppose I didn’t want to interact with them, either.

The bus slowly fills up with people as we get closer and closer to the city center. This is no good. All these people, all so close. I’m like a plague carrier. Everyone is in danger. Jessica is in danger. I think I started hyperventilating. The panic attack was coming.

Then something grabbed my arm and clenched down. My shirt prevented skin from touching skin but I almost cried out.

“Hey,” she said looking at me straight in the eyes. Small but brilliant blue eyes, the color of a pale northern sky. “Just relax, we’re almost there. Everyone’s just staring at how old fashioned your clothes are. You need to get something casual, dude.”

Normally anyone, anyone at all touching me is just rife with tragedy. I don’t know how many panic attacks I had in the hospital whenever a nurse came in to check on me. But, transfixed in those eyes... I was frozen. Better than panic, I guess.

“Oh hey, our stop!” She continued pulling me by the arm down the length of the bus, twisting me around while she took the lead.

The city was bright and busy, people milling about everywhere on this Saturday. Tall buildings of glass and concrete stretched up to the heavens but below and in between there were plenty of traditional-styled buildings as well. Cars stuck in traffic, the noise of people’s chatter and movement, street vendors calling out their wares and the sound of frying food all contributed to a din I’d not heard in some time. Chaotic but controlled. It was amazing how all this coalesced into this one space, forming the scene in front of me. I don’t think Jessica felt the same way, however, and quickly yanked me down a different street.

“The phone store’s right around here.”

“A-Are you sure… sure you k-know where you’re g-going?”

“Of course! I’ve never been lost. Something about an impeccable sense of spatial awareness. It’s like I’m able to sense where I am at all times in relation to other things. Or something like that. Basically, I know what direction to go and about how far to travel to reach places I remember. Sounds fancy but isn’t all that useful.”

“W-well if… if you say so.”

“It’s just this way!”

A quick turn left and another block down and lo and behold, the logo of Softbank Mobile. The store was unassuming but perfectly suited to its purpose. Lines of phones ringed the inner walls of the store and a couple of salesmen were walking around, talking to customers and securing deals. As I held the door open for Jessica she took the opportunity to switch arms and grabbed my left. Now she wasn’t as much leading as she was holding onto my arm, and we stood side-by-side.

“So what kind of phone do you want?”

“A r-regular one? One that… can call and e-e-mail.”

“Every phone does that. Here, look at these smartphones. Touchscreens! This one comes with lots of apps preloaded… this one was developed with Sony so you can play games… this one has a really good camera…”

“I-I…” I stared at my feet. “I don’t have enough…”

She did that move of hers when she appeared to be crunching numbers in her head, swishing around ideas.

“When’s your birthday?”

What? “N-next month…”

“Then I’ll buy one for you. Early birthday present!”

“N-no… you’ve already done…”

“Nonsense, I have so much money in allowance from my father that I never spend. I don’t have the time to, what with soccer and studies. Here, iPhones are good. Lots of games and stuff for you to… uh…” She got caught up for a second.

“W-what’s the matter?”

“It’s just… Well it’s hard for me to use smartphones. It’s why I don’t have one. You need two hands for a lot of things. Heh, maybe I’ll just live vicariously through you some more.” She was back to grinning. “Excuse me, sir? Yes, we’ll take it. Just the one.”

A slap of some plastic and a few documents to sign and there I was, proud owner of a cellular phone, courtesy of one Jessica Frederson.

“We’ll check it out later, but right now I made reservations for us at a restaurant. And then we’ve gotta go get you some new clothes. I don’t mean anything fancy, it’s just you look like you should be back at school. Sometimes you need to dress a little less formally, dude.”

There was a trill noise from Jessica’s phone. She dropped my arm and went into her pocket to answer it. I realized just how much she was limiting herself by holding on to me.

* * *

Some hours later I figured it was time for a break.

“H-Hey… there’s a vending machine… I’ll buy you something.”

“You don’t have to, you know.”

“It’s the l-least… after all you’ve d-done…”

“Alright then. Hmm, is there peach juice there?”

I slotted in the cash and bought her a can of peach juice and myself a bottle of water.

“Y-yes, h-hear you go.”

She took the can and placed it in between her stump and body. With her free hand she tried to pop the top but the can slipped out and fell to the ground. She picked it up and tried again but it clattered to the ground.

“H-hey… do y-you...?”

“No no no, I can… I can do it myself…” She was gritting her teeth, almost snarling. It fell again and popped open, spilling juice all over the sidewalk.

“D-DAMMIT!”

She grabbed the can and flung it at the nearest wall. The tinny metallic sound of the can rattling on the ground was deafening. Jessica fell to her knees and started sobbing. I dropped the bags to the ground and went over to her, picking her up and embracing her in a hug. What was I doing? Some sort of animal comfort instinct or was this more? Ignoring my condition, her condition? Her one arm was coiled against my shoulder, grasping my shirt. Tears from her face pushed up on my chest seeped through to my undershirt.

“I-it’s so… so frustrating some times. I’m fine, I’m really fine,” she said through tears and sobs, “but then, fuck, it’s like, even the most basic things like answering a phone or o-opening a fucking can of juice… and it’s never coming back, never. Its not like it can get better… I’m missing my arm for the rest of my life. …You understand me, don’t you Koji?”

“I do.” I self-consciously looked away, she was looking right at the bandage where my eye should be.

“I mean, I even have to keep my hair this short because it’s too hard to have long hair, brushing and styling and…”

“I-I like it… like it is.”

“W-what? Oh.” She smiled. “S-Sorry about all that,” she said breaking the hug, “sometimes these things get to me. I’m better now. Come on, we should get back to Yamaku.”

She helped me pick up the bags and then grabbed my sleeve again, like before in the phone shop. Side by side, not quite holding hands but close enough for me, for right now.

The ride home was uneventful, but she stayed attached to my sleeve the entire time. Something about her presence was calming and suppressed my baser urges to flee or panic. I was too content to consider the implications.

It was late by the time we got back to Yamaku. We’d missed the sunset while riding on the bus. She dropped my arm when we passed through the gate.

“I’ll see you later, Koji. I had a lot of fun today.”

“M-me too… thanks for e-everything.”

“Get some rest, you look tired!”

She took off like a flash, as per usual. I somehow managed to drag myself into the dorms and collapse on my bed. There was a lot to process about today. About myself. She was clearly touching me for large parts of the day, not my skin but touching me nonetheless. And I didn’t freak out. Perhaps this was some kind of hormonal thing? Being a teenager? Was it… emotional connection? I was too confused. I’ll ask Jake about it later.

* * *

VariableValkyrie: <Hey Jake. Got a minute?>

Deaddrop1911: <if im on you don't even need to ask>

Deaddrop1911: <lol can wait>

VariableValkyrie: <Thanks buddy. So yesterday… Me and Jessica spent the day together. In the city, hanging out and stuff.>

Deaddrop1911: <where did this come from?>

Deaddrop1911: <I mean i knew you had it in you bro>

VariableValkyrire: <Well after dinner, we’ve been getting lunch and stuff. Then we hung out yesterday, you know, outside of a school context.>

Deaddrop1911: <congrats>

Deaddrop1911: <did you confess or whatever you japs call it?>

VariableValkyrie: <No. But she did hold my arm. She knows about my not wanting to touch people, so I think it was as close to holding hands as I could get.>

Deaddrop1911: <she has to like you man>

Deaddrop1911: <accommodating your paranoia>

Deaddrop1911: <nobody just fucking does that>

VariableValkyrie: <I guess so. Are there like signs, I should be looking for?>

Deaddrop1911: <yeah, there’s a big one>

Deaddrop1911: <holding your arm because your too chickenshit to hold her hand>

Deaddrop1911: <she only has one, thats a pretty big commitment and sign of trust>

Deaddrop1911: <it means shes relying on you>

Deaddrop1911: <even if she doesnt know it thats what it means>

VariableValkyrie: <But I’ve been relying on her. To talk to people, to get outside.>

Deaddrop1911: <sure, sure you say that>

Deaddrop1911: <but friendships>

Deaddrop1911: <and relationships>

Deaddrop1911: <are mutual things. Shes opening up and relying on you just as you are on her>

Deaddrop1911: <big fucking sign there, bro. fucking times square of signs>

VariableValkyrie: <So what do I do now? I’m fucking scared, I don’t want to screw this up.>

Deaddrop1911: <ive been telling you since the beginning>

Deaddrop1911: <fuck reason and timing>

Deaddrop1911: <man up and kiss her, tell her how you feel>

Deaddrop1911: <i dont think youll be rejected but even if you are it doesn't matter>

Deaddrop1911: <you fucking went for it, know what i mean?>

VariableValkyrie: <I think so. I’ll try, maybe tomorrow. I’ll see what she really thinks of me. Bandages are coming off.>

Deaddrop1911: <shit man, fucking finally>

Deaddrop1911: <but if shes already attached to a man she can barely see>

Deaddrop1911: <im sure youre golden>

Deaddrop1911: ;)

VariableValkyrie: <That’s a stupid emoticon.>

Deaddrop1911: <whatever bro>

Deaddrop1911: <don't disappoint me>

Deaddrop1911: <and more importantly don't disappoint yourself>

VariableValkyrie: <Thanks. You’ve been a help.>

Deaddop1911: <no problem, its practically my job now to make sure you don't follow in my footsteps>

* * *

Fighting a snake-man. A mountain on fire. Laying on the beach at home with Jessica. A torrential downpour. I really wish I could remember more of my dreams beyond these flashes.

* * *

Monday afternoon. I was in the Nurse’s office. Today was the day, the last day I’d be covered up. At lunch Jessica had told me to call her when I was done, we’d go celebrate. Whatever that means. The Nurse was looking over some charts and I was sitting on the examination table. I couldn’t say I wasn’t apprehensive, but Jake’s advice kept resounding in my head. She was attached to a man she already couldn’t see, whatever was underneath couldn’t be that bad. Or so he told me. Jake wasn’t exactly Don Juan.

“Hmm, I think my predictions were correct. Bandages completely off today. You’re going to have to be careful though, the tissue is still very raw. When you come to take your pills we’ll apply some ointments and such to keep it healing. Now strip.”

Sometimes the Nurse’s attitude was a little too frank. But I complied. I took of my shirt and placed it gently on the table next to me. Gingerly, the Nurse began to peel off the layers of bandage from my head, neck, shoulder and upper arm. It hurt but I was so used to this that it barely registered. The nurse then grabbed a variety of tubes filled with some sort of gel or cream substance and gently applied them.

“Moisturizer. Makes it look better.” He peeled off his gloves and marked something down on his clipboard. He opened another drawer and pulled out a small plastic bag with a black thing in it. “Here, you’ll need this for now.”

I opened the package. An eyepatch. I nodded to the nurse and put it on. It fit pretty well. The Nurse adjusted it; he didn’t seem to have any mirrors handy. Well I guess it was better than nothing, raw eyesocket would greatly disturb a lot of people. Myself included.

“Alright, get out here. You’ve got stuff to do these days, right?” He winked.

I shrugged and dressed. When I was outside in the hallway I pulled out the phone. My phone. I was still getting used to it, all this touching and swiping and apps. Luckily I only had two numbers in it so far, Yamaku’s Emergency Service number and Jessica’s. I pressed the nonexistent button to call her.

Ring. Ring.

“Hello? Koji?”

“Y-yes… it’s me.”

“All done?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Great!” She paused. “Hmm, I’m just in the middle of some homework, why don’t you come by and wait for me?”

Go to the girl’s dorms? Her dorm room?

“Uh… o-okay.”

“Great, see you in five! Oh, and it’s room 308.” There was a snap of her closing the clamshell of her phone shut.

Don’t think about it Koji. Just let your body go, let your mind drift onto something else. Autopilot yourself there.

5:00 on a Monday afternoon meant the grounds were pretty deserted. Most of the students with free time were off in town and those with clubs were doing homework but it wasn’t yet time for dinner so the crowds weren’t streaming towards the cafeteria. Safe time for me. I really didn’t want anyone to see my like this, not yet.

The Girl’s Dorm was just across a small courtyard from the Boy’s. A mirror image, actually. There was a strange painting on the wall next to the stairs leading up to the courtyard, apparently done by one of Yamaku’s students a few years back. A large mural, it conveyed all sorts of emotions to me, from pain to love to anger. There was a student outside, sort of just skulking around the building. I recognized him, Takeshi Kaneda from 3-1, Jessica’s class. I wonder what he was doing waiting out here. I guess he saw me looking because as soon as I stared for too long he turned and walked towards the girl’s dorm. I suppose I’m not the only one who shuns most human contact.

When I reached the entryway, I was surprised to find a guard posted. A large sign above the middle-aged woman said: ‘ALL MALE STUDENTS MUST SIGN IN AND SIGN OUT’. That was strange; there was no such restriction in the Boy’s dorms. I went over to the desk.

“Hello there, sweetie, you need to sign in here, and what room here.”

I quietly wrote my name and 308 next to it.

“Oh, so you’re Frederson’s new friend. Pleasure to meet you, I’m Fujiyama.”

“P-pleased to meet you.”

“Surprised?” I shook my head up and down. “She comes down to talk to me sometimes. You know how friendly she is. Always eager to share. Run along, I’m sure she’s waiting. I know how impatient she is, too.”

I bowed and walked down the hallway, then up two flights to the third floor. Room 308 was on my right out of the staircase, according to a sign on the wall. Take deep breaths, I thought. It’s just another room, probably no different than your own. Well, maybe not as clean. But you came here for a reason. Tonight you’re going to tell her. I knocked.

“Yes, who’s there?” Her voice from inside.

“I-Its… uh, me, K-Koji.”

“Oh great! Door’s open.”

There was a sign this definitely wasn’t my room. I grabbed the door handle and opened up. It didn’t seem that messy. Her room was arranged similarly to mine, but instead of a big desk there was a dresser. Her bed was larger. And there were clothes, everywhere. No sign of a lot of makeup or anything, I guess… I guess that would be hard, too. Piles of books and magazines were scattered around. Okay, it was pretty messy. She was laying on her bed, stomach down and a book in front of her. She was propping herself up on her left arm and writing down answers to her homework with her right. Her legs were bent backwards, sort of hanging in the air above her. When the door opened she turned around and sat cross-legged on the bed.

“Wow Koji, you look really great! Come on, sit down.”

“T-Thanks.” I sat down on the bed next to her.

“Have you looked at yourself in a mirror yet?”

I suddenly noticed the large mirror on the dresser across from the bed. I wasn’t what I was expecting. What was once a mottled layer of acne scars, discolored skin and the remnants of infection was now a series of lighter red patches and a striated pattern. It wasn’t really bad at all, though certainly noticeable. Sections right jawline and neck were erythemic and taught, where skin had to be removed and replaced, and looked more like burn scars. The eyepatch was fitted snugly over my eye, the black elastic material stretched across my hair and the scarred section of my face. My hair was messy and short, but they were right in the hospital. After it had been shaved off any amount of length was good.

“I’m serious, you look fine. The eyepatch is badass, too. Like you’re a pirate or Big Boss.”

“I-I don’t want it… the fake e-eye. It’s j-just going to... to look f-fake.”

“Know what you mean dude. Why do you think I don’t use a prosthetic? If it doesn’t work the same, look the same and requires more maintenance, what’s the point. A hook is no arm at all. Heh, if I did have a hook we could be pirates together.”

I laughed. An actual laugh. I surprised myself.

“S-so why do I have to sign in… I’m s-sure there’s nothing l-like that in boy’s dorm?”

“Oh! You met Fujiyama then. She’s a nice lady. Well the story is, some guy three or four years back went around installing cameras in the hallways. Claimed to be watching ‘the feminists at work’ or something like that. A bit crazy. Anyway, since then boys have had to sign in. I guess it makes sense, what with this being a high school… with really private rooms.” She blushed. I didn’t know why.

“T-That… makes s-sense… but can’t girls j-just go into the Boy’s r-rooms instead?”

“I guess. It’s not a perfect system; I mean you still got in. We could be doing stuff right now and nobody seems to care.” Okay, now I was blushing. “So, I don’t think I’m getting this homework done. Shall we go celebrate?”

“W-What did you have… have in m-mind?”

“Well, I though we could go back to the Shanghai. Nothing fancy, you know?”

Sounded great to me. I nodded.

“Alright, let’s be off then. “ She hopped off the bed and put shoes on. I opened the door for her and then shut it.

“A-Aren’t you g-going to lock it?”

She shrugged. “Nah. Nothing in there for anyone to take, anyway. Not like your rig. Lets gooooo, I’m hungry.”

Waving goodbye to Fujiyama, we left the girl’s dorm together. I thought I saw blinds on a first-floor room in the boy’s dorm close but I think I may have been imagining it. Once we left the main gate and were about 20 meters away, she leaned over and grabbed my arm again, without a word. I’d be scared half to death if it wasn’t such a reassuring gesture.

Once we got to the Shanghai she had to break the hold for me to open the door. A strange feeling of loss came over me. I wanted to continue… just being connected to her. But I was scared as hell to initiate something, to touch her myself.

“Just sit wherever you like!” Yuuko called from the back. A few seconds later she was blundering over to our table. “Hello Jessica, oh and Mr. History! No… bandages anymore?”

“Nope, he’s all healthy now. Nothing left at all.” Jessica was grinning, proud of me for some reason.

“Well that’s great to hear? A turkey sandwich and coffee?”

“Sounds good! Koji?”

“T-The same sandwich… and tea, p-please.”

Yuuko took down our orders and scurried away.

“…I’m serious Koji, without the bandages you look really good. The scarring isn't even noticeable at this point.”

Subconsciously I covered my face with my hand.

“T-thanks, I appreciate it… I really d-do.”

“So I was talking to my dad earlier…” Where was she going with this?

“Y-yeah?”

“Mhm, well I mentioned how I had a friend who really likes the beach and well he volunteered to take us next weekend. That is, if you want to go.” She was acting nervous. Strange for her.

I must admit I really missed the ocean. Being this far inland was something I thought I’d just have to deal with. An opportunity to go would be great. But then I’d have to meet her father. I’d have to do a lot of things, a lot of explaining. She seemed to notice my indecision.

“We don’t have to. It’s just something I thought would be nice.”

“N-No… I want to g-go… it’s just I… I…” I vaguely gestured to my face.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. My dad doesn’t have any legs.” She giggled. “I think he’ll understand about your condition, if he even asks.”

Well I suppose that would make things easier. Common ground between us. I was still curious why she was doing this though.

“O-okay then.” I gave her a brief smile. “B-but… why-“

I was cut off by Yuuko arriving with our food.

“Ask me later, I’m starving after practice!” She greedily began devouring her sandwich.

I took my time with my tea and sandwich but the whole meal went pretty quickly. Yuuko soon came over with the bill and to clear the dishes.

“Hey Yuuko, what time is it?”

She was startled by the question. “W-what? Oh… A quarter after 6.”

“Hey Koji, we gotta go. Don’t want to miss the sunset, right?”

She peeled off a yen note and grabbed me by the arm, practically yanking me out of my seat. Before I knew it we were working our way up the hill towards school. Jessica was right though, the sun was just beginning to set in the distance. The same kaleidoscope of colors was burning its way across the sky. I looked over at the girl who had now hooked herself on to me, not grasping me like before. We were walking arm in arm… like a couple. My face was beet red. Maybe now was the time to speak up. It had to be.

“L-let’s go w-watch it again. On the h-hill.”

“Weeeell I was going to do some homework, but I’ll make an exception, just this once.” She winked at me.

We had to disentangle to walk up the hill because of how steep it was. I let her sit down first then sat down on her right, her arm safely in between us. The sky was beautiful. Jessica’s eyes were darting around, looking at all the different colors and combinations. I kept mine forward, too. Her hand was planted firmly on the grass, holding her up while she leaned back. We were sitting about 20 centimeters apart. Slowly but surely I slid my hand across the grass, closer to hers. I was doing it, I was going to touch her skin. I opened my hand and put my fingers over hers. I held this for a few seconds. A few seconds too much, I thought. My fingers were trembling.

Then I felt something. Her fingers met mine and intertwined. Her skin was soft and smooth and her fingers soft and delicate. Our warmth swelled and combined. Some tension in her back seemed to be relieved and she let out a breath. She turned and crossed her legs, looking right at me. Completely open and ready. Keeping our hands together, I got onto my knees and moved over her. I had to do this. I had to do this. I had to do this to prove to her. I had to do this to prove something to myself.

She slipped her legs between mine and pulled me down over her, laying down onto the grass. I was holding myself up with one arm. I leaned in and something instinctive, animal in my brain kicked in. I closed my eye and pressed my lips to hers. Sparkles in my brain. Electricity flowed between us. If this was a cartoon there’d be a giant heart growing in the background where the sun was. After a lifetime, I pulled my head back.

“It was about time.” She giggled at me. She let go of my hand and put her arm around my neck, pulling me back down for another kiss.

“I-It’s you… the girl I-I have a c-crush on… the girl I l-like… it’s y-you.”

“I know.”

End of Act 1.

Act 2: Climate

“[So Koji, what’s new?]”

It was the day after. Jess (she told me I should call her Jess, I suppose I hadn’t said her name much at all before) and I spent the night playing Fallout: New Vegas. And then there was more kissing. A kiss goodnight was perhaps the best thing I’d ever experienced, apart from the first kiss. All day today I was walking around on cloud nine. Some people seemed to notice the eye patch but nobody said anything. I couldn’t care, anyway. Lunch was great, too. With no one else in the alley we were free to be a physical.

So now I was on the roof, practicing with Misha. We’d finished the basics for the day and now it was free conversation time.

“W-what? [What?]”

“[You just seem so happy today. And you keep drifting off somewhere.] Wahaha~”

“[Nothing. Just got my bandages removed.]”

“[I noticed that, you look great! But I think there’s something else too. Let me guess… That girl!]”

“[I don’t know what you’re talking about.]”

“Suuuure. [I’ve heard this before. Well, deny it as much as you can, but I know that loving look. Head over heels. But it’s a good look, it means it’s being reciprocated.] Wahahaha~ Congratulations, Koji.”

“[Thanks I guess, it’s really not that though.]”

“[You’re free to go though, see you tomorrow.]”

“[Thanks Misha.]”

I gathered up my books and walked down the stairs to the first floor. Out the doors and headed straight for the soccer field. Forget whatever anyone would think. As Jessica’s… boyfriend, I had to be there to support her. Or whatever. I wanted to go and I’m not going to let my anxiety get the better of me. I walked into the stands and took a seat. There were a few other students around, but with weekly games I suppose there wasn’t a big push to go to every one. I saw a single familiar face, it was that kid Kaneda.

The match was against Seiei Academy and Yamaku was losing 1-2. I saw Jessica charging down the field. She told me that besides captain, her position on the team was ‘left forward’ and her job was to score goals. Supposedly this left her more open to come up with strategies on the fly, she didn’t have to worry about defending or anything else complex, just to score goals and tell her team what to do. The match was fierce and both teams were really good. Yamaku’s goalie only had one leg and a lot of the players seemed to have arm disabilities. I guess when you lose one thing you make up for it in other ways.

I arrived right at the beginning of the second half. Yamaku was doing all it could to prevent Seiei from scoring again, to prevent a greater lead. Jess was barking orders all around the field, completely in her element. With 20 minutes to go one of Yamaku’s players took a dive, apparently injured. There was no one to replace her. Jessica looked concerned and helped her off the field. When play resumed, she quickly took control of the ball, pushed it downfield and scored. The small crowd let out a cheer. I looked around when the crowd was celebrating. Kaneda was gone.

Unfortunately Yamaku didn’t score again. The game ended in a tie. The teams shook hands and congratulated each other for a good game. Yamaku’s team gathered for a talk from the coach and then broke off into groups, friends heading back to the dorms to get changed, bringing equipment to the athletic shed and that sort of thing. Jess looked around at the crowd, saw me, waved and then ran to the stairs going up the bleachers. As I stood up to greet her she embraced me in a hug, or as best a hug she could do.

“You stayed the entire game for once!”

“I-I figured… since w-we’re uh… well y-you know…”

She laughed and let me go. “Thanks, I really appreciate it. We need more fans anyway.” She quieted her voice. “Have you told anyone yet?”

“N-no… I d-don’t really have… anyone… to tell.”

“Hmm, well I guess I’m fixing that. I didn’t tell anyone either. I think it’d draw attention to you, which I know you don’t like. I mean, we’ll have to soon enough, but for now it’s a great little secret! Or big secret I suppose. Anyway, I’ve got to go get changed. Coach is making dinner. But I’ll be around your room later, ok? I owe you a kiss for then.”

She took off. So she was thinking of me. To be honest I didn’t feel great being handled with such kiddie gloves but she knew the social sphere better than I did. If it would cause a commotion like she believed it would I’d be glad if it progressed slowly.

After my regularly scheduled appointment with the nurse, I went back to my room and started on my homework, but quickly got bored and logged on my computer.

Deaddrop1911: <dude come on ive been waiting>

Deaddrop1911: <you haven’t been on in two days>

Deaddrop1911: <what fucking happened>

VariableValkyrie: <I told her. You were right, she knew and reciprocated. We kissed. More than once. I think we’re dating now, but it’s a secret for the most part.>

Deaddrop1911: <see what happens when you man the fuck up?>

Deaddrop1911: <good fucking things happen>

Deaddrop1911: <so did you put it in yet>

VariableValkyrie: <No no no>

VariableValkyrie: <I’ve never done anything like that, I want this to progress naturally. Can’t be rushed.>

Deaddrop1911: <lol I know>

Deaddrop1911: <not like youd bang her anyway>

Deaddrop1911: <make love that seems your thing>

Deaddrop1911: <for a guy who hates when people touch him you certainly are touchy-feely>

Deaddrop1911: <howd that go by the way, trying to touch her>

VariableValkyrie: <I just put everything else out of my mind. Focused on what I really wanted and just went for it. Since then she’s been initiating stuff like kissing, but I took that first step.>

Deaddrop1911: <looks like you found the right girl>

Deaddrop1911: <here I was thinking I was the only one whod put up with you>

Deaddrop1911: <lol>

VariableValkyrie: <Thanks for the vote of confidence, ‘bro.’>

Deaddrop1911: <hey man I got you to do this>

Deaddrop1911: <my powers are stronger than you think>

My phone buzzed. An email from Jessica: ‘too much food here, don’t worry about dinner I’ll bring some leftovers over later. <3.’

VariableValkyrie: <Signing an email or SMS or whatever it is you Americans use with ‘<3’ is a good thing, right?>

Deaddrop1911: <texting, tahts what we call it>

Deaddrop1911: <but yeah, very good>

Deaddrop1911: <especially, after, you know, youve already kissed her>

Deaddrop1911: <why whatd she say?>

VariableValkyrie: <Just that’s she’s bringing me dinner later.>

Deaddrop1911: <yeah shes head over heels for you bro>

Deaddrop1911: <just wants to spend as much time with you>

Deaddrop1911: <I say let her>

VariableValkyrie: <We’re going to the beach together next weekend.>

Deaddrop1911: <what like your beach>

Deaddrop1911: <like at home>

VariableValkyrie: <No, the one here. Home’s too far for a weekend trip.>

VariableValkyrie: <Her father is taking us there.>

Deaddrop1911: <her dad?>

Deaddrop1911: <good luck>

Deaddrop1911: <fathers are really protective of their daughters, you know?>

Deaddrop1911: <gotta make a good impression>

Deaddrop1911: <anyway whens she coming over?>

VariableValkyrie: <I’m not sure, an hour or two likely.>

Deaddrop1911: <lets play some kf then>

Deaddrop1911: <get some dosh>

VariableValkyrie: <Alright, I’ll see you in-game>

* * *

Knock knock knock.

“I-I’ll be there in a second.” I got up from my desk and opened the door. Chain still attached. Some habits don’t die. Much to my surprise, it wasn’t Jess. Shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes looked straight at me, pierced through me. Takeshi Kaneda.

“H-Hello… can I h-help you?”

“Kawamori, right?” I nodded. “We need to talk. Open the door.”

“I-I’d rather not.”

“Fine then. But heed my warning. What you’re getting into isn’t real. She’ll cut your heart out man.”

“W-What?”

“I know what’s going on. Between you and Frederson. Man to man, I’m warning you.” He turned around and walked down the hall to the stairs.

What the fuck was that about? I’d never spoken to him before in my life and now he was showing up at my room, on top of all the places me and Jessica had gone too lately. This was very strange. What was he talking about? Ah forget it, it wasn’t important. It was well known that despite not catering to the mentally disabled, Yamaku had its fair share. I sat back down at my desk.

Thump. A thumping noise at the door. Not quite the pitch of a knock, not a kick, more like someone was whacking the door with the broad side of their- …elbow. This was Jessica.

“Koji come on open up I can’t use my hand and this bag of stuff is heavy!”

“O-Okay, okay!”

I got up and opened the door. As soon as it was open wide enough, she push through, got on her tip-toes and gave me a kiss on the lips. I wasn’t expecting that right away. Or was I? I really didn’t know what I was in for recently.

She set the bag down on my beg and started unpacking it.

“I’ve got… pasta with marinara sauce, pasta with alfredo… and baked ziti. Well rigatoni, but we tried. What do you want?”

I’ve never had any of that, besides the pasta with marinara. And never home cooked. Was the coach Italian? I couldn’t remember.

“W-what’s in each? I’ve n-never really had… any of those.”

“Oh! Well we usually have some kind of pasta after big games and stuff. Hmm, well marinara is a tomato sauce, like ketchup but better and less salty. Alfredo is just like a cheese sauce. Not real parmesan but close enough. And baked ziti is melted cheeses and sauce, cooked in an oven. It’s my favorite.”

I grabbed the pasta with marinara. Jess handed me a plastic fork.

“So courteous, eager to allow his girl to have the food she wants.” She giggled and smiled, closing her eyes. I don’t know if she was joking, but she grabbed the baked ziti-ish pasta and started digging in.

After eating the food (which was surprisingly good, fresh tomato sauce!), Jessica wanted to play Fallout: New Vegas. I had made her a character last time and she wanted to continue playing, or playing through me as it were. She couldn’t actually do anything but instead dictated all her moves and dialogue choices. Some time after that, she wanted to play a few games on the- er, my, iPhone. Plants Versus Zombies was apparently something she had been looking forward to. An ulterior motive behind her getting me that phone? Probably. So we sat on my bed, her on my right, phone roughly between us, playing it for… hours, it must have been. She called out positions and I merely placed the plants.

And then I was playing the game by myself, I realized. Jess had fallen over, huddled in a fetal position, fast asleep. I looked at my watch. 11:30. Wow, this was later than we had ever hung out before. Way later. Past curfew, even. She was adorable, curled up like that. Innocent and at peace. I hadn’t realized it before this point but there was this constant determination, a focus in her face. Asleep it was completely gone, replaced with pure calm. It was too late to take her back, what would the guards think? What would everyone think? But I had to sleep too.

“H-hey Jess… J-Jess?”

She didn’t open her eyes. “Hn? K-Koji?”

“Y-yeah… you fell asleep… b-but it’s past c-curfew…”

“Well… I’ll sleep here then.” She smiled, eyes still closed, then softly laughed, still half-asleep.

“O-okay… I’ll just stay on the f-floor then.”

I was suddenly pinned by two extremely powerful legs.

“Don’t you dare.” Her arm fumbled at my neatly made sheets and pushed it down.

“W-what?”

“Put your phone away… and come to bed.” A hand stretched out at mine. I put the phone in it and was shocked to see such a callous disregard for expensive technology. The phone wound up in the far corner near my closet. “You don’t need it now.”

She was now kicking the sheets around me, trying to push underneath where I was sitting. I stood up and the sheets were at her feet. She turned and laid down flat as a board. I did my best to maneuver around her and wound up lying on the right side of the bed closest to the wall. She curled up, knees practically touching my hip and a thin pale arm reaching across my chest, nimble fingers grasping at my far flank. I pushed my right arm next to her head – arm around the shoulder, right? – and she lifted her head, allowing my arm to come to rest beneath her head. She moved her head into my armpit. It was strange, but at the same time felt very natural.

I bent my arm and put my fingers in her hair. Blond locks passed through my fingers. I think I had a dream about this. Her hair was soft and smooth, but at the same time not straight and fluid like mine. It was thick and wavy at the base.

“D-do you straight… straighten your h-hair?”

“Hn? No.” There was a soft smile on her face. “But when it gets longer then this I need to. It’s very wavy.”

I continued to play with her hair. It was oddly comforting.

Some time after that I fell asleep, Jessica curled against me and my hand in her hair.

* * *

There was something soft and a little wet on my lips. I opened my eyes and saw Jessica leaned over me, giving me a kiss.

“Don’t be so startled Koji, you don’t want to be woken up by a pretty girl kissing you?” She giggled.

“N-No... it’s just… I…”

“Heheh, I’m just teasing you. But I think we have a problem… I guess I stayed out past curfew. You’ve gotta help me sneak out of here.”

This was a problem. Not just that we hadn’t gone public yet but staying over in a boy’s room? This could be bad.

“R-right.” I pushed the sheet covering us down and Jess got out of bed, brushing her skirt down and patting the wrinkles out of her shirt. It didn’t really help, she still looked like she’d slept in them. “W-well it’s still early… only track kids are up now.”

I got out of bed myself and gathered up all the garbage from last night’s feast. I put it in the bag she’d brought it in. Meanwhile, Jessica had retrieved my phone from the floor and was trying to use it as a mirror to fix her hair. With one arm this was kind of hard.

“H-hold on.” I walked over and took the phone, holding it up so she could use her free hand to push her bangs back along the part.

“Thanks!” She smiled one of her carefree smiles. I pulled on my school jacket. “I think this weekend you’ll be able to wear some of those new clothes of yours. You’ll look great!”

“W-ha? Oh, right.” I had almost completely forgotten about the trip over the weekend. Meeting her father. I made a mental note to ask Jake for advice next time we spoke. “Ready to go?”

“Yup!”

“O-okay, we should go down… down the back stairway, into the first floor, uh… bathroom… and out the window there. I’ll help you out.”

“I think you’ve done this before.” She winked.

“W-well I uh… Sometimes there are people in the lobby.”

“No need to be scared anymore, Mr. Handsome. Okay, let’s go.”

I checked my watch. 6:45. 15 minutes until most people got up. Just enough time. I opened the door and peeked out the hallway. Clear. I turned and nodded to her, trash bag in one hand and taking hers in the other. We tiptoed down the hallway. There was an unlocking noise from the room near mine. We were two meters from the stairway door. A creek from an opening door.

“Move move move!” I heard myself shouting.

We dashed down the rest of the hallway, fumbled with the door and nearly crashed down the stairs to the landing between floors.

She was laughing and so was I.

“Close call!” She let out a breath.

“Yeah, it really was.” I was panting a bit.

“Breathless because of me? Aww, how cute!” She turned serious for a second. “You should get more exercise though. Like, don’t run track every day, but it’d help to get out more. I can come with you, if it makes it easier.”

“O-okay…”

She smiled. “Let’s keep moving then, in case someone hears us.”

At the bottom of the stairwell I peeked through the door’s window, Jessica was flat a