When We Teach by Example
Do you remember when you were a kid and you did something bad? Really bad? So bad you knew your parents were going to flip?
When I was 12-years-old, I was parking my dad’s pickup truck (before you’re shocked, I lived in farm country where 12-year-olds drove tractors and silage trucks) when I got too close to a post. I panicked. I didn’t turn sharp enough and instead of hitting the brakes I kept going as the post screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeched down the side of the truck. The worst part, once I stopped, I had to back up to get the truck away from the post, listening to it scratch my dad’s truck back the other way. We’re talking a three-foot scratch here.
Then, I had to tell my dad. I remember walking towards him, shaking in my boots. I told him what I’d done. He didn’t say anything for a minute. He closed his eyes and said, “That’s okay.” Then he walked away. That was it. He never said another word about it. He never fixed the scratch either.
Children sometimes learn by listening to what we say, but more often they learn by what we do. We teach by example. It’s no revelation but I think, as parents, sometimes we need a reminder.
It struck me as I was having a serious, yet hilarious, conversation with my 9-year-old and 4-year-old how grateful I am for the example set by my dad that day. He had every right to get angry with me, to yell and scream. I don’t know if he was tired or angry or exasperated but I remember how it made me feel as a child to know that he forgave me for a childish mistake.
The Tale of the Dog Bed
Recently, two of my children were terrified to tell their dad about something they’d done, or , more accurately, failed to do.
We have a very large fluffy dog bed, which we keep under cover on our back patio. The kids were playing in some water-filled bins and moved the dog bed out from under cover so it didn’t get wet. Their dad told them to be sure to move it back because if the bed got wet, it wouldn’t dry out because it’s big and thick.
Of course, they forgot. It poured rain the next morning and the children discovered the dog bed yesterday. Two of them came to tell me, one with tears in her eyes. They both offered to earn money to pay for a new one. Then they thought of placing the bed by a fan to dry, which is where the bed is right now. We’ll see if the filling will fully dry or not.
My 9-year-old was practicing what she was going to say to her dad when my 4-year-old informed her that he had already told dad.
“What?!” she yelled.
“I told dad Maggie’s bed is wet,” he replied.
“Wait. What?! Why would you…What were the exact words you said to him?” She’s smart. She understands that sometimes he thinks he’s said something or done something that he really hasn’t.
“I said, ‘Maggie’s bed is wet.’” No need to beat around the bush I suppose.
I couldn’t hold in my laughter, neither could my daughter.
When she did tell my husband about the bed, he didn’t blow up. In fact, he told them putting the bed in front of the fan was a good idea.
I’m so glad I married that man.
It was perfect. The punishment the children imagined for themselves was worse than anything we could have ever done.
Teach by Example
Children learn by the example their parents set. When I’m faced with a situation where my children have done something bad and they know it and feel bad about it – I remember my dad’s example. I remember that sometimes they’ve punished themselves enough and my job is to forgive.
I don’t always remember as often as I should. I hope that someday when their child comes to them, they’ll remember how much better it felt to be forgiven rather than scolded.
There are so many lessons I want my children to learn. It scares me that the best way to teach is through my example. I mean, I make lots of mistakes.
I want them to learn to:
- Be kind
- Listen to others
- Do their best
- Be honest
- Work hard
The key is to not get bogged down at the overwhelming number of things you need to teach. Remember that little by little, as you live the words you preach, they’ll get it.
In a way, it’s good for them to see you make mistakes and try to rectify them. That’s an important lesson in and of itself; no one is perfect, even parents.
Be kind, honest, strong, and forgiving so that your children can model their behavior after you. Keep trying to teach by example but be kind to yourself as well.
As I watch my oldest pick up her brother to read him a story when he’s sad, I know she gets it. When I hear my son tell me the truth even though it will get him in trouble, I know he gets it. As I feel their arms around me when I tell them I’m sorry, they get it. When I see them try and fail and then try again, they get it.
That’s when I know that I’m doing okay as a parent after all.