“I can live for two months on a good compliment,” said Mark Twain, the American author.
That’s a long time to go without food, shelter, and Amazon Prime—but I see his point.
Compliments are powerful.
A single sentence—delivered by the right person in the right way—can completely change a person’s life.
You may have heard stories about how a famous poet, novelist, artist, or leader attributes their success to a small compliment given by a teacher or mentor.
In the microcosm of your organization, compliments can have a profound impact. Perhaps we’re not comfortable complimenting people. Maybe we don’t understand how. Maybe we just don’t know what to say. Or maybe we don’t realize how transformative compliments can be.
Merriam-Webster defines a compliment as “an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.”
To understand the science of compliments, we need to understand how people respond to kindness or to human behavior in general.
Social psychologists have come up with a theory called the “norm of reciprocity” or “rule of reciprocity.” It’s become such an established finding that scientists have no problem calling it a “rule,” in the same way that 2 + 2 = 4.
The idea is this: When humans receive a favor, they feel a sense of obligation to return that favor.
In one experiment, a sociologist named Dr. Phillip Kunz mailed hundreds of Christmas cards to random strangers. Each note was handwritten. In the Christmas letter, he included a picture of him and his family.
Guess what happened. 37% of Kunz’s recipients responded. Remember, he mailed these Christmas cards to total strangers—hundreds of them. Why? Kunz was just a normal looking dude, so it certainly wasn’t his photograph.
Kunz himself was taken aback: “I was really surprised by how many responses there were. And I was surprised by the number of letters that were written, some of them three, four pages long."
How do we explain this? The rule of reciprocity.
Pretend with me for a minute. Let’s say you stand up from your chair and walk out of your office and down the hall. You pass a colleague in the hallway. “Hey, Dave,” she says. (Maybe your name isn’t Dave. That’s not the point.)
What do you do after she says, “Hey, Dave”? Most likely, you turn, smile, and say, “Hey, Sarah.” (Or whatever her name is.) Why? Because you are reciprocating her friendly behavior and greeting. If you didn’t say anything, look at her, or respond, it might seem rude.
Reciprocation rules our lives. From the way we interact in our marriages, with our children, among our colleagues, or toward our employees, its implications are enormous.
Woven into the application of this rule is the act of giving a compliment. When person A gives person B a compliment, person B feels obligated to give back in some way. The rule of reciprocity governs the interaction.
Compliments are powerful because humans are responsive creatures. We are hardwired to respond to fellow humans in a similar way.
Look at compliments through the lens of the communication model. Complimenting is a two-way street. You give the compliment. The other person receives the compliment. And then you, the sender, receive feedback based on the receiver’s behavior.
The entire process is rewarding and reciprocated. Kindness begets charity. A smile elicits a smile. And a compliment can revolutionize an individual’s behavior.
It’s hard to quantify the impact of a compliment, much less to describe its effect in a few bullet points. Nonetheless, here are a few observations about compliments.
At this point, I need to issue a little disclaimer.
Compliments are not flattery. These are two very different things, even though they look a lot alike. The difference lies in the giver.
A flatterer gives to get. A complimenter gives to give.
Someone who delivers compliments does so to benefit others.
If you give compliments (and I hope you will) please do so with a sincere focus upon others and their well-being, not your own benefit or reputation.
Here are a few tips on giving a meaningful compliments to your team members:
The more you compliment, the better you’ll get at it. And the better you’ll feel about yourself, your team members, and your work environment.
Just be real. Don’t overdo it, overthink it, or try too hard.
Simply say what you mean, and mean it.