Have a tween? If you have a child of the ages from 9-12 in your home, you have one! Congratulations! This is officially the bridge “beTWEEN” Childhood and the Teen years – so you can now understand where
Have a tween? If you have a child of the ages from 9-12 in your home, you have one! Congratulations! This is officially the bridge “beTWEEN” Childhood and the Teen years – so you can now understand where the name came from. This is typically the ages where parents feel most disconnected and confused about what they’re seeing in the children they knew and loved just a little while ago. So let’s dive in!
What is a Tween?
So, a tween is a season of life where children are clearly not little kids, but they aren’t exactly teens either. It’s an awkward time where hormones are just at the start of revving up, and where emotions can run very high, (or very low). In general, it’s an unpredictable season of life because the tweens don’t really understand where they fit either. They don’t want the 8pm bedtime yet, but they aren’t able to stay up until 11:30pm either. They want to push back on rules, but sorta kinda don’t mean it – just testing the waters. For many moms, it can be a bit heartbreaking because “childhood” is over. They don’t want to be cuddled anymore, or “babied”. This is where they begin to not want to be seen with mom or dad in public. Or, a host of other pre-teen actions that really begin to define the years where they grow into their own person.
The official start of a “tween” can be as early as age 9 for girls, but often parents notice a shift around the age of 10.
For boys, by age 10, most are testing limits, talking back and finding a shift from being a “boy” to the next stage.
In the States, middle schoolers (grades 6-8), right before the final four years of high school, puts kids in this zone of being in between. As a group, middle schoolers often struggle with peer groups, bullying, standing up to bullies, forming a few close friendships, and navigating the online social media world. In general, teachers who work in middle schools are experts at giving more freedoms than when they were in elementary school, yet keeping boundaries and consequences in place. They also know how to ask for more responsibility from the students, as they can now navigate remembering homework, studying for tests, and participating in classes more than they did in elementary school. This is also when kids start to rotate classes instead of staying in one class the whole time as happens in the younger grades.
Tweenager: How to Love Them
Parents of tweenagers need to remember that they are setting strong ground work for the teenage years. Here are some things to consider and look for as you parent this age.
Does your “yes” really mean yes? Do your “no” ‘s hold?
If they don’t want to hug you anymore, can you ask them about it and respect that request?
If they don’t want to be seen in public with you, can you honor it without making fun of them? We have tons of videos where parents embarrass their kids over not wanting to be seen in public with them. But you know what happens when kids’ wishes are respected? Connection that lasts into the teen years. That’s far more valuable than a moment of joking.
Begin to look for ways where they can make some decisions
Begin to lay strong guidelines for screens, social media and phone use
In this season of life, tween boys need to know both parents are there for them. Dads become role models (as they always have been) but now, in a more subtle way. Boys are watching but maybe not engaging as much. That’s ok. Unless they’ve been diagnosed with depression or have special needs, let sons pace the relationship. In general, dads often feel disrespected, and need to find ways to explaining what’s acceptable and what isn’t as the young man starts to push back against parents.
Moms of tween boys may find that they aren’t showering as much as they need to, or they have a girlfriend – or they don’t yet. They may be asked to not hug or kiss their sons goodnight anymore. Moms may feel pushed away from their lives, and this is intentional. Boys are trying to begin to create distance and space. But don’t worry! Think of this season as a caterpillar eating and eating and eating because they’re getting ready to go into the cocoon of the teen years. If we look at it that way, we won’t get offended as if it’s personal against us as parents. We’ll realize it’s just part of the process of growing up, and we can find ways to support and love them through it, while maintaining important rules and consequences in the house.
It was during this season of life that my son and I had a little meeting of the minds. He had just finished 5th grade and was squarely in the beginning of disrespecting me at every turn. Like, unusually rude. So I thought about how I could 