Q: Can a 9-year-old have a meltdown? My son seems to have such a short fuse and gets very emotional when he is upset, often yelling and even crying. How can i help him to react more appropriately when he is angry
Q: Can a 9-year-old have a meltdown? My son seems to have such a short fuse and gets very emotional when he is upset, often yelling and even crying. How can i help him to react more appropriately when he is angry?
A: We are born into this world with a broad spectrum of emotions, all of them normal, just waiting to be experienced. While children are young, they feel more than they think. Because a child has limited access to the logic and reason his cognitive brain governs, and because he has limited ability to articulate, this child communicates his feelings to us with his behavior. It’s so important that parents understand this dynamic. Otherwise the parent is quick to respond to only the behavior and words expressed by the child (which are all inappropriate) and will miss what is really behind the short fuse.
Interestingly, this dynamic exists in the reverse as well. We somehow want our children to understand why we get angry and frustrated. We feel an urgency to explain ourselves. But all the child notices is the parent’s behavior, as in, You’re always yelling Mom!
When your son makes an attempt to communicate with you, jump into the role of translator. Stop, make eye contact. and make no effort to correct him. Just listen. Now help him express what he is really feeling with words that express the truth of what he is experiencing. It sounds something like this: “Wow. You really make a lot of sense. It sounds like you’re frustrated because I don’t let you decide what to wear to school. You would like to be able to choose what you wear. You wish I would trust your judgment more. I don’t blame you for feeling this way. Sounds like we need a better plan for choosing your clothes each day.”
Being heard and reassured that what you feel is normal is what prevents anyone from escalating whether they are nine or ninety-nine. The same communication skills can be put to work when this same child is simply determined to push despite your best efforts. That sounds like this: “It’s okay to disagree with me. But it’s not okay to continue behaving like this. You can pull it together here, or pull it together in your room. Either one is okay. You decide.” When conflict erupts, a parent’s job is to connect, reflect, redirect. This is the essence of love and limits—what every c