As parents, we all want our kids to grow up with a positive sense of who they are and what they can achieve. We hope our kids will grow up with the self-belief to chase their dreams, change the world, find happiness,
As parents, we all want our kids to grow up with a positive sense of who they are and what they can achieve. We hope our kids will grow up with the self-belief to chase their dreams, change the world, find happiness, and live their life to the full.
In order for young people to have the confidence and self-belief to realize their potential and overcome life’s challenges they need to grow up hearing positive, affirming messages from those around them; especially from their parents. Teenagers need to know people believe in them, and they need to hear encouraging words about who they are and what they can do.
So what they need is plenty praise, right?
Well actually the answer is no. Despite popular parenting trends that suggest ubiquitous praise is the mandatory, praising teenagers usually does more to impede their chances of achieving in life than it does to enhance them.
Before you shake your head and click away from this page, read the paragraphs in the next section to let me justify myself. I am all for encouraging young people (and will discuss this more in the next post) but I don’t believe just praising kids achieves what we hope it does.
The Problem With Praise
To put it simply praise doesn’t help teenagers because it puffs them up and doesn’t build them build up. Praise produces a temporary sense of pride and feelings of happiness, but does little to equip or foster traits that produce genuine self-esteem and resilience; traits such as competence, perseverance, and persistence.
Parents use praise as a reward; it is something that a teenager earns. Praise creates the motivation to please others rather than to actually master a domain or tackle challenges. Praise confuses achievement with value, and consequently often results in young people being scared to try or constantly needing the validation of others in everything they do.
Teenagers do need to hear positive and encouraging words from their parents and other adults, but ill-considered praise does little to help teens develop a strong sense of self-worth and confidence.
Let me highlight some common forms of praise that undermine rather than enhance teenage development.
Insincere or Unmerited Praise
Many of us grew up with the phrase “If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all.” This idea is a good one but it has given rise to an unhelpful, and unintended flip-side.
Parents feel the need to provide feedback to their kids. Needing to say something, and knowing they can’t say anything negative, parents often resort to false or undeserved praise.
However, saying something “nice” that is not warranted, or too general to be meaningful, can be more damaging than something critical.
Teenagers have lived long enough to know that not everything they do is good or praiseworthy. Eventually, no matter how many “nice” things parents say, a young person will work out what they do well and what they aren’t so good at.
If your teen doesn’t believe your praise is merited, or thinks you