I abandoned someone I loved and who loved me when the person most needed me. I have never really forgiven myself for what I did. I worry that a situation will occur that I can't deal with and will leave again. So I wonder if I can trust myself or if others can trust me. This one act has affected me for thirty years. I should have gotten counseling a long time ago, so I could forgive myself and move on. You sound really hurt by what you did, so you did not screw up because you don't care about other people. People can do really bad things, see the light, and learn better ways of taking care of themselves and others. You can't change the past, so get help, find ways to forgive yourself, seek, if you can, the forgiveness of the people you hurt, and try not to be so stupid, selfish, or out of control (whatever fits) in the future. The only thing you need to give up is your identification of yourself as a bad person. Practice trying to think about what you are doing and whether it's the right thing. My way of deciding ethical questions is simple: what would the world be like if everybody did what (ever) I am contemplating doing? If it is not a place I would want to be, I don't do it. Please find help (if you don't have money, try county mental health). See a priest or rabbi, talk to your mom or a favorite relative, see a doctor - do something. If what you did is related to drugs or alcohol, you may be able to get help through AA. Talk to someone so you can get perspective of what happened. You don't have to be afraid, it doesn't have to haunt you or ruin your future. Seek another path. Peace.