the personality. But Horney pointed to disturbed interpersonal relationships
during childhood. In particular, she believed children too often grow up inhomes that foster feelings of anxiety. The ways parents can generate these
feelings are almost endless:
…direct or indirect domination, indifference, erratic behavior, lack of respect for
the child ’s individual needs, lack of real guidance, disparaging attitudes, too
much admiration or the absence of it, lack of reliable warmth, having to take
sides in parental disagreements, too much or too little responsibility, overprotec-tion, isolation from other children, injustice, discrimination, unkept promises,
hostile atmosphere, and …[a] sense of lurking hypocrisy in the environment.
(1945/1966, p. 41)
In short, parenting is not easy. Although raising children is one of the
most important tasks we face, there is practically no training for the job and
few restrictions on who can raise children and how they should be raised.
And so we end up with children who lack a sense of personal worth, who are
afraid and unsure of how to deal with their parents, who fear unjust punish-
ment from their parents for reasons they can ’t understand, who feel insecure
and inadequate, and who desperately want but fail to receive the warmth and
support they need. These children are confused, afraid, and anxious.
How do children deal with this anxiety? According to Horney, children
growing up in anxiety-generating situations develop strategies for dealingwith threatening people. On the positive side, these strategies usually succeed
in alleviating anxiety in the short run. On the downside, these individuals
may come to rely on these strategies even when dealing with people outsidethe family. As adults, their childhood fear of interacting with other people
continues. In essence, they have learned that social relationships are a source
of anxiety. As a result, they develop interaction styles to fend off the anxiety.
Horney identified three interaction styles neurotics adopt in their efforts
to avoid anxiety-provoking experiences. She called these styles moving to-
ward people, moving against people , and moving away from people . As you
read about these styles, you ’ll no doubt see a little of yourself in each. That
is healthy. Horney explained that most people use each of the three strategieson occasion to combat anxiety. In contrast, neurotic individuals inflexibly
rely on just one of these styles for virtually all their social interactions.
Moving Toward People
Some children deal with anxiety by emphasizing their helplessness. They be-
come dependent on others, compulsively seeking affection and acceptance
from their parents and caregivers. The sympathy they receive provides tempo-rary relief from their anxiety, but the children run the risk of relying on this
strategy in later relationships. As adults, they have an intense need to be
loved and accepted. They often believe that if only they can find love, every-thing else will be all right. They may indiscriminately attach themselves to
whomever is available, believing that any relationship is better than loneliness
and feeling unwanted. If you ’ve ever been involved with someone who meets
this description, you probably can appreciate the futility of pursuing a long-
term relationship. These people don ’t love, they cling. They don ’t share affection,Karen Horney 113