in fact , the return of his memory told him all about how he 'd guarded his influence , hoarded it , nurtured it , kept himself alive and in control ... until he 'd begun to stink from the filth of his deeds ; until his soul-or what little of a one he 'd had-had withered and died ; until he 'd become so emotionless he was practically an inanimate object ; until he 'd realized that death was the only way out , and better that he choose the time and the place .