as i came to myself , as i gathered strength again , as i set my eyes upon a destination , i thought of all these various aspects of my situation-that i very well might be utterly masterless , that i would n't fail esther , that i was stronger than i 'd ever been-and i was determined to fight harder this time to be free of either of these two men-the rebbe or his grandson gregory-i was determined that if i could not die , i would gain life apart from them .