and she remembered charging the enemy in a rage , and feeling intense satisfaction as blood spat out around his sword and she remembered , holding up his shield , and looking to the left and the right , and seeing a long line of similar shields , and another line behind that , and another , and feeling strong , invincible and she remembered , despising civilians who lived off the fruits of war , but never fought , and she remembered , sitting around the campfire , singing songs and laughing and she remembered , forcing himself to torture the prisoner , and she remembered , the endless march , thinking of nothing but making himself to take one more step and she remembered , feeling guilty , because he had survived , and his comrades had not and she remembered , feeling everything go right as if in a dance , or a dream , meeting one opponent after another and overcoming them one by one , effortlessly and she remembered , being ashamed to be taken prisoner , but being exhausted , and in pain , and wanting to live , or at least to stop forcing himself to be ever brave and honorable , and she remembered , falling in love with one of the enemy and she remembered , the insane joy of looting , breaking open cabinets and vaults , tossing things to his comrades , whooping and laughing , pouring fine wine over his head , just touching one thing after another , and sharing in the mass , repeated rape of enemy women and she remembered , patriotic celebrations , songs , and speeches , and she remembered , laughing at the way civilians complained about trivial things and she remembered , helplessly watching the vulture , until it plucked out both his eyes and she remembered , feeling kindly towards the new recruit and she remembered , the promised reinforcements never showing up and she remembered , hiding his son under the floor , while the army recruiters searched the village and she remembered , holding up his shield , and looking to the left and the right , and seeing a long line of shields , and another line behind that , and another , and feeling very vulnerable , anyway and she remembered , glowing with pride , because he had not run away and she remembered , hesitating outside the recruitment office and she remembered , sitting in the tent with maps , needing to make decisions , but lacking information and she remembered , fraternizing with the enemy , and she remembered , being under siege , the twentieth day without food and she remembered , being willing to die for general tsikigliash and she remembered , the pain going on and on and on and on , and wanting to die , but too weak to do anything at all and she remembered , deserting , and realizing it was a mistake , and that it was too late to go back and she remembered , being honored as a hero and she remembered , the long line of prisoners , hundreds of them , leading to the temple where they would be offered as human sacrifices and she remembered , the victory parade , with people on both sides of the street cheering them and she remembered , the wall beginning to crumble under the blows of the ram and she remembered , accepting the suicide mission and she remembered , watching his own son , at two years old , playing with a stick sword by all the gods , she exclaimed to ixuan , what a strange and terrible life !