and another flock of memories swirled down upon her : she remembered , riding over the crest of a hill , and seeing , below , a column of the enemy , making its way along the road and she remembered , the feelings of disbelief , outrage , horror , and then self-hatred and despair , as cold steel found his heart and she remembered , shuddering with fear , and thinking , i cant make myself do this , i havent the courage !