and renouncing sexual love , and joining a celibate order and trapped in a life as a common prostitute and the horror of realizing , that his wife was not the woman he had thought she was when they courted , and falling to her knees in gratitude , thinking , yes , i do have the strength for this and watching him go off to war and the anguish of falling hopelessly in love with the wrong person and being alone and looking at her with astonishment , and thinking , whatever did i see in her ?