so , by the time of the scavengers doomed attack , when she had witnessed yerns devastation at the sight of his slain firstborn , and the subsequent fire of his bliss when yonfi had brought yodren back to life , raddia had already made up her mind as far as her own being was concerned : fate had given her a tepid heart , and the only way that she could ever hope to feel a shred of such worship lay in denouncing her old life , and trying with all her might to teach herself how to love , and be loved back .