when dad was alive , id think about what her real nature was and what she wanted to be , or if , like me she 'd sat in the blackbridge high school cafeteria and stared at the hills , or if she wondered how far the atlantic ocean was and how the salt water would feel against her ankles , how the death valley sun would feel against her face , or how fast she could run over the midwestern grasslands , or , when she turned the car onto polaris avenue on her way to work or on her way to dropping me off at school , if she wanted to turn the car south onto lowland road and leave the town behind forever .