then i grew to appreciate the extent to which the property had become my opium : i was caught up by material possessions , the trap i had always persuaded myself i would never fall into , 'let it go , ' i thought , 'you only get to keep what you-would not lose in a shipwreck ; , if you try to keep it you will lose more besides , ' i had the experience , the knowledge of building , of wheeling and dealing , the person i now was ; this was all that really mattered .