i begin pulling bits of the croissant off , attempting to project that i 'm doing so in an absent-minded manner , placing them casually around my plate as i say , `` i know i 'm not allowed to thank you anymore , '' i smile warmly , praying this will lead his thoughts away from the fact i 'm not eating , `` but i want you know that i really do appreciate all of this , james , everything you 're doing for me . ''