she wanted to tell anne everything : about how she 'd been dumped by matt just when she was ready to say i love you ; about how she realized now she had n't really loved him at all , because she had always been in love with bishop ; about her fears that she would never get out of carp and it would eat her up , swallow her as it had her mom , turn her into one of those brittle , bitter women who is old and drug-eaten and done at twenty-nine .