the loss of nick to the other team would be a huge blow , like , up there with the losses of scottie `` not-at-all '' gross , in whom i invested five solid years of preteen sunday school crushing and who would have been my first kiss the night of my bat mitzvah if stupid f**king ethan weiner had n't gotten to scottie first , and also babelicious george michael , my ultimate tragedy-to-redemption behind the music icon , who in a just and good world would have been my older man-lolita secret fling experience .