but my first night in the wilds , when the forest opened up like a jaw and i saw lights glowing fuzzily in the darkness , small halos beyond the rain , and heard voicekin heard s-when grandma put a blanket around my shoulders , and mari , twenty-two years old , who 'd just given birth to her second stillborn , took blue in her arms and to her breast and cried silently the whole time she was suckling , when i knew we 'd both been saved-that night , i thought i knew god , just for a second .