but here 's the thing : when i 'm running , there 's always this split second when the pain is ripping through me and i can hardly breathe and all i see is color and blur-and in that split second , right as the pain crests , and becomes too much , and there 's a whiteness going through me , i see something to my left , a flicker of color ( auburn hair , burning , a crown of leaves ) -and i know then , too , that if i only turn my head he 'll be there , laughing , watching me , holding out his arms .