after these two years of walking underwater , of staring at his gun on the end table in the living room as he sat in the dark listening to tommy dorsey and duke ellington , of being certain that he could n't possibly take one more step into this fucking shithole of a life , of missing her so completely he 'd once snapped off the end of an incisor gritting his teeth against the need for her-after all that , could this honestly be the moment when he put her away ?