i tested memories , bringing up without pain or difficulty clear images of myself leaned harshly up against gavin , his hands holding my face so that i had to tilt my neck and back oddly , look almost behind me , and i remembered my groin practically dry humping his upper thigh and remembered how obnoxiously sudden hed collapsed , how id collapsed half way on him , perspiring , recalled with clarity how hed died with no more sound than the squeak of a half asleep fart .