for a long time , ten minutes , longer , twenty minutes , longer , i felt tense , waiting for some flood of images to overwhelm me , waiting to feel the violence of my mind rewiring itself , to have memories chortle up from my past , memories of me watching claudia , but really just watching an empty lot , of me strangling gavin , burying him under trash bags , clumsily wiping my hands of him on my pant legs , only to have it revealed that id only buried a wet cloth or a bag of my own clothes , to realize there hadnt been any one in front of me while i walked the street outside that movie theatre , that itd been me out on a date with some disgusting fat woman at that bar , that itd been my own door id pounded on , me whod called the police on no one , called the police on myself .