but i was left with just one nagging doubt , accompanied by a mental image of groucho marx smoking his fat cigar and saying , i dont care to belong to any club that will have me as a member , and i think that was the crux of my anxiety , it did not feel very special - for want of a better word - to belong to a religion that already had 100 million followers : it seemed rather like buying a high street suit , when what i really wanted was a specially tailored jacket , made to fit just me .