letting out a breath , she longed for a kiss from john , a hug from matthew , a chance to listen to treces verbal diarrhea , an argument with troy , a smoke-filled conversation with ben , a sweaty workout with the white boy , a rolling of her eyes at her mother , a strategy session with her father , a shot of whiskey with colin , a chance to hear erin laugh , another moment nestled in razs safe arms , a shopping trip with samantha , and , more than anything , she longed for max .