she could still feel the sickly taste of the jam at the back of her throat , could feel a pounding in her head as if a swarm of bees were buzzing angrily around in it but she still had no idea what the clue meant , no way of helping lucas and the feeling of panic crept over her until unable to sit any longer she rose and began to pack up quietly , desperately trying to ignore the voices in her head that kept telling her she couldnt do it , that she couldnt help him and that he was lost forever .