on this particular morning when there was meat on my mind , though , a day or two after seeing stephen as nothing more than a biological accident , i could see the way the work was progressing and noticed that the beauty was slipping from me , that the succulent red flesh and creamy marbled fat was starting to look rather mutilated ; the carcasses , as i had depicted them , were tortured and racked like crucifixions , bleeding and broken , and the more i became aware of the change the more i wondered if there was a reason for it .