she spits at me again- and then she sees my weapon lying on the sand where i dropped it- { viola } i see the weapon , the white stick weapon of the spackle lying on the ground , lying there white against the white snow- i hear ben crying behind me , saying todd 's name over and over again and my own heart is painful in my chest , so painful i can barely breathe- but i see the weapon- and i reach down and pick it up- and i point it at 1017- he does n't back away any further , just watches me raise it- i am sorry , he says , raising his hands slightly in the air , those too long hands that killed my todd- `` sorry wo n't bring him back , '' i say through clenched teeth and though my eyes are filled with water , a terrible clarity comes over me .