i close my eyes again and try to take as deep a breath as possible which ai n't too deep and then i hold it till i can get my fingers round the knife and then i have to breathe and wait till the pain passes and then i try to pull but it 's the heaviest thing in the world and i have to wait and breathe and try again and i pull and the pain in my back increases like a gun firing and i scream out uncontrollably as i feel the knife come outta my back .