oh , god , no , i hated 'em- i tried not to but i could n't help it- ( no , i could- ) i think of all the times i cursed 'em- all the times i imagined 'em as sheep- ( a knife in my hand , plunging down- ) but i did n't want this- never , i- and i come round the biggest pile of bodies , stacked near the east wall- and i see it .