63 after the evening meal i do n't eat and the forced banter and the minuscule awkward silences that drop between our sentences , and after the board comes out of the wooden box and he 's set up the pieces and we flip to see who 's the home team and he wins , i tell him i think i can handle my own fielding , and he smirks , yeah , right , let 's go , girl , after he 's sitting beside me on the edge of the bed and after weeks of learning to let go of my rage and embrace the howling emptiness and after years of erecting fortress walls around pain and loss and the feeling that i will never feel again , after losing my father and losing teacup and losing zombie and losing everything but the howling emptiness and that is nothing , nothing at all , i silently say the word : hi razor nods .