as i lay there , still in the muck , i wish to myself more than anything in the whole world that aaron 's knife had gone thru me , that i was as dead as the spackle , that i could finish falling down that pit , down down down till there 's only blackness , down into the nowhere where there 's no more todd to blame or screw things up or fail ben or fail viola , and i could fall away forever into nothingness and never have to worry no more .