all his voice can show is how much he fears losing the knife on the very morning they were to be reunited , fear that the worst has happened , that he has lost his son , his most beloved son , and i can feel his heart aching with worry , aching with love and concern- an ache i know , an ache i have felt- an ache that passes from the source to me as we climb down- the knife- todd- standing in my voice , as real and fragile and worthy of life as any other- and i do not want it .