i cast my mind backwards , to times that had long since passed , when i had grasped her little hands as she took her first steps , clapped wildly when she had said her first word ( li-ja , for her brother ) , when she had brought home her first real report card , how she had been so proud , how i had been beaming with pride for days and days at all of her teachers comments , at her perfect marks , how i had shamelessly bragged to everyone on capitol hill and then i lost her .