he shouted every name in the book , as they say , at the warden , demanded that the warden face him in the coliseum like a man , and when i had started to cry ( silently , because the warden was just outside the door ) , when the thick ball of tension in my chest finally released , when i realized just how sick and terrible and violating of a thing it was that he had done to me , adam had rushed to me and dropped to his knees beside me .