everything was piling up , and as she fell into my arms so i could hold her , i cried because she was getting older , because james and i had fought in front of her ( because james and i had fought at all ) , because i had no idea how to love grace , despite how much i had loved her when she was just a tiny flicker of light in my womb , despite the fact that she had been raised by two of my very best friends , and then i was crying because those two best friends were dead , because violet and elijah were somewhere out in the world and i knew not where , because adam spent his days locked away , alone , and even though he wanted to tell me how terrible it was to be locked away in isolation like that , he did not , because he did not want me to worry , and then i was crying because illa was not with her mother , and janna had been raped all those years ago , and i had been raped all those years ago before that , and then i was crying because my mother was more than likely dead , but what if she wasnt ?