he lied about the spies he had around her , because there was really only one , and that one would be damning enough when she knew when he triggered one of her episodes , every part of me was seized by that old , primitive urge to shout , to pull her back , to tell her that it was her inability to stay cognizant that had resulted in luciens death , but more so than that , i was seized by the urge to hold her , to comfort her , to have my voice be a beckon , a lighthouse in the stormy seas , pulling her back to reality .