not to mention , that particular night , i was reeling from the moment earlier , when the warden had finally called on me , when he had confronted the situation in a way that was so deceptively calm , well , if you no longer wished to continue our tryst , you could have come to me and i had known he was gearing himself up , i had seen how unlike tyre , his rage did not come in a seemingly random outburst of violence , but how it slowly built , and then finally , it exploded into this almost jocular , almost ridiculous , and yet totally terrifying show of theatrical fury , rage with a flourish of drama i remembered how our conversation had ended with him dismissing me , and how as i walked to the door , i heard him toying with his gun , and i had almost known that he was going to shoot me in the back , but instead , he had blurred to me , grasped my wrist , spun me around , held me to the wall , and told me something that had made me sick then , and would make me vomit all over myself right there in pennys room if i dwelled on it so i did not dwell .