my heart was fluttering with absolute terror , as i thought about losing james , as i thought about adam leaving me , as i remembered the warden as he thrust so hard into me that he was gritting his teeth with the effort i cried because for some sick reason , i was remembering the times he had been kind to me , when he had doted upon me , when he had asked me to trust him , and in return , he had said he would trust me .