that had made me feel like the wardens smell was on me , like he had marked me as his territory the way a dog pisses on a hydrant ( i am getting angry now writing this , and i am not sorry to admit it ) , and that night , even though i had thought there was no way that i could be in the mood , i had wanted adam , because when we were together in that way , i felt so beautifully , uncompromisingly safe , and warm , and loved , so as he held me on the floor , as i buried my face into his chest and shut out the world , i cried harder , and tried to keep my thoughts about wanting him to myself .