i wished i had had the baby , she said we would have one later , if i still wanted one , and it was the first time we had ever applied any language of permanence to our relationship , and despite it all , it made me feel good , and then she was dead , and i was in my friends apartments , and i was telling them that my father had done it , and if he had done it , then did he do it because of what she knew about him , what i had said to tell everyone , what i said i would tell everyone , and what she knew about my mother ?