it used to be so hard to live without you that beside i used to fight for you on the basis of different , through by thoroughly finished plans , on the other side of the earth , unbeknownst , without any talent , being twenty-nine years younger than you , with hungarian mother language , being white and too poor to travel to america , i used to try to replace this relationship what wasnt implemented with i used to try write poems about you first , later i used to make drawings and paintings , i made a board game about you , i used to edit photos about you and about me to be one picture like we would be a couple , i used to make power points about these photos , i wrote a novel about what it would be like to become your girlfriend , i made you be my boyfriend in computer games and used to live as your wife and our common childrens wife virtually , but these didnt really ease my grief either what i used to feel because of the unrequited love , more and more unbearably .