her tears were my tears , and i was begging them to let her go , to let her run away , to take me instead ... michael was on top of me , grinding against my fragile , shaking body ; my father 's fists rained hard blows on me , my mother was screaming , begging them to spare her life , begging me to take her with us , begging to know why i had left her behind ... maura was dying in my arms and sitting beside me covering her ears , and all the while , penny was screaming , and my nine-year-old self was screaming , and so was my ten-year-old-self , and my eleven-year-old self , and twelve , thirteen , fourteen , fifteen i was screaming through every year of my life , and through eternities , and penny was screaming right along with me somewhere , in some other place , i was running .