though it is quite disgusting , a large part of me wanted nothing more than to abandon her all over again , for reasons that did not reflect well on my character ; i did not want to see what was happening to her because i did not want to feel that great guilt , and another fraction of that large part of me just did not care , as she deserved plenty of pain , in the darkest part of my soul 's view , for her abandonment and ignorance all those years ago .