i see my first kiss with austin , us laughing in bed together , seeing him on stage and then drugged out on a couch backstage in some city i ca n't remember the name of , his face in the coffin , scott 's tear-stained cheeks , and then tarin , angry at me , drunk , scared , laughing , his tattooes , his efforts to be kind ... it all adds up to me being stupid and careless and too drunk to do the right thing .