but it 's like i 'm being pushed along by a momentum stronger than me , because before i have a chance to change my mind , to tell the do-gooders that i 'll come with them for the afternoon and paint , harry is telling me they 'll be back around five , and richard is eyeing me with an expression that i can only describe as paternal , though i 'm the last person in the world who would know what that actually looks like , and the van is roaring off .