maybe in my fantasies over the last month , i had pictured myself with a job as an airline pilot , in a dark blue uniform , with my hair tucked and sprayed into submission under a neat brimmed hat , standing in the doorway to the cockpit and greeting passengers as they boarded , all of them looking me up and down and mistrusting a small woman , but deciding to give me their confidence because of the uniform and the vast airplane that was all mine to fly .