`` stew baranski is screwing over your ex-wife ; i 'm getting divorced from a cheating ass**le ; i just took on an apartment that costs about double what i can afford if i have to live on my own salary ; coach cosgrove , who 's a jerk all the time , by the way , not just tonight , has thrown down , threatening to get me fired ; you 're lodging a formal complaint against him on monday ; and you and i are faking a relationship in order to uncover a dirty cop who , nearly seven weeks ago , almost got you killed . ''