i rolled to my back , wishing i was n't awake and waiting for joe ; wishing i had n't , a half an hour ago , done a new kind of walk of shame , checking on the girls to make sure they were asleep ; wishing i had magic because i 'd been lying in bed the last hour and a half , thinking of that scene with bonnie , how joe had been after it , knowing now that he was empty , like feb said , because he would n't be able to survive that scene without getting torn up inside unless there was nothing to tear up .