Is Mrs. O ’ Farrell not here ? H ’ m .... Will you let her know I ’ ve come ? Not at home ?... But .... I can ’ t imagine why Mrs. O ’ Farrell should think I haven ’ t read the Morning Post at six o ’ clock in the evening . But when is Mrs. O ’ Farrell coming in ? But she telegraphed to me this afternoon , asking me to come and see her at once . It seems very extraordinary that she should have gone out . The matter was of considerable importance . Very well , I ’ ll sit down and wait . But I can ’ t stay long . I ’ m dining at ... no matter . Oh , thank you . Did you say you had the Morning Post ? Ah , thank you . The Duchess of St. Erth returned to Wales yesterday . The Marchioness of Mereston has arrived at 89 Grosvenor Square . The Marchioness of Serlo and Lady Eleanor King leave for Paris this morning . Isabel ! She ’ s out ! But .... I ’ ve just had a telegram from her . Nonsense . What can the Church Times have to do with the Archduchess Anastasia ? Well , presumably she wants you to drink the one and to read the other . It looks as if Penelope expected you , too . Have you ? I wonder why on earth she wired to you . My dear Charles , I wish you wouldn ’ t be slangy . It ’ s gone out in our set . I think I can put your minds at rest . I am in a position to explain the whole matter to you . The telegram she sent me makes it perfectly clear . I daresay you know that the Archduchess Anastasia is a patient of Dickie ’ s . And a very nice patient for him to have . I ’ ve never met her , though I happen to know several members of her family , and she ’ s a very cultivated , pleasant woman . I ’ ve always said to Dickie that that is the sort of practice he ought to get . The middle classes do a doctor no good . Well , it appears that the Archduchess Anastasia has signified her desire to know Penelope . Very charming and graceful action on her part , and just like her . Of course she ’ s extremely grateful to Dickie for all he ’ s done . He ’ s worked a miraculous cure , and I daresay she ’ s heard that Penelope is my niece . It ’ s a maxim you can always go on : royalty knows everything . And the long and the short of it is that she ’ s coming to lunch here . Of course Penelope knows nothing about these matters , and in a state of great excitement she ’ s sent for me . It ’ s the best thing she could do . I can tell her everything . I ’ ve lived in that set all my life . It ’ s nothing to be particularly proud about — mere accident of birth — I happen to be a gentleman . A certain family . Well , there it is , you see . She put it a little more briefly , of course , but that was the gist of it . You can see it if you like . “ Come at once . Archduchess Anastasia . Penelope .” Penelope knew I had a certain amount of intelligence . She didn ’ t want to waste her money , so she just put what was essential , and left me to gather the rest . What did Penelope say to you ? But that ’ s absurd . You know how stupid the Post Office is . They must have made a mistake . I know that the Pomeranian Royal Family is very odd , but there are limits , and I can ’ t imagine the Archduchess Anastasia being mixed up in a scandal with a Central African missionary . Six and eightpence ! Why six and eightpence ? It ’ s nonsense ! You ’ re so unpractical , Charles . How very odd . Well ? Where have you been all this time ? Really , Penelope , I think your behaviour is outrageous . I think it ’ s a capital idea . And she just flung the words six and eightpence at you , Beadsworth , and knew she ’ d fetch the lawyer . And now , my dear , that you ’ ve disposed of them , tell me all about the Archduchess Anastasia . What d ’ you mean , you invented her ? I know her well , I ’ ve known her for years . I know her whole family . I don ’ t understand what you mean at all , Penelope . You mention one of my most intimate friends , and then you tell me you invented her . I don ’ t know why you should think the mere mention of the Archduchess ’ s name would make me come here . Good gracious ! My dear Charles , this is not the kind of matter in which you can be of any use . You ’ re a mathematician , and you ’ re not expected to know anything about practical affairs . But who is Ada Fergusson ? I ’ ve never heard of her . I am not in the least surprised . I have expected it all along . You will remember , Isabel , that I was against the marriage from the beginning . I said , one doesn ’ t marry a doctor . One sometimes meets them in society when they ’ ve had their angles rubbed off a little and perhaps have been knighted , but one never meets their wives . We suppose they do marry , but they don ’ t marry any one we know . I may be old-fashioned , but I stick to my opinion that there are only three possible professions for a gentleman , the law , the army , and the church . You ask me for my opinion , and I give it you . I regret that you should think it nonsense . Besides , you ’ ve got your family to think of . Of course you must leave him . You see , that is what I say , you ’ re not safe with people of no birth . I look upon all this as a blessing in disguise . Family life in England is going to the dogs . That is the long and short of it . Two and two are five . Two and two are five . I knew this would happen . I ’ ve been expecting it for years . My dear Charles , if you ’ re going to discuss life I think there ’ s no need for me to stay . I ’ ve told you for twenty years that you ’ re a scholar and a recluse . I have lived in the world , and I ’ m a practical man . If Penelope wants to consult me , I am at her service ; if not .... Really , Penelope . Penelope ! My dear child ! My dear Penelope , there are limits . My dear Penelope , I expected you to have more spirit . He ’ s a person of no family . I should have thought you were well rid of him . What you expect your father to be able to tell you I can ’ t imagine . I shouldn ’ t have thought one could describe you as either . But , in any case , I can stay no longer . It appears that my advice is not wanted , and I promised to look in on dear Lady Hollington before dinner . I ’ m too indulgent . People don ’ t rate me at my proper value . I could not get on to her . I don ’ t know what ’ s the matter with those telephone girls . Hussies ! Good gracious me ! And Ada Fergusson ? This is a surprise . How on earth have you come to this conclusion ? Upon my word ! I must say , it annoys me that I should have been forced to break an important engagement for no reason . I should have thought .... Good-bye , Beadsworth . You must come and dine with me at the club one of these days . Very nice fellow . Quite a gentleman . No one would think he was a solicitor . I shall ask him to dinner with one or two people who don ’ t matter . I beg your pardon . I don ’ t know what you mean . It ’ s a great mistake , of course , to think that gout is a mark of good family . The porter of my club is a martyr to it . How d ’ you mean , Mrs. Macnothing ? I ’ ve never heard of a family called Macnothing . But you distinctly said it was Mrs. Macnothing . Why on earth didn ’ t you say so at once ? One of the Fergussons of Kingarth , I suppose ? How d ’ you do ? Dickie feels that only a physical impediment can excuse a man for not seeing a pretty woman . Not at all , not at all . I ’ ve been wondering if she ’ s one of the Staffordshire Macks or one of the Somersetshire Macks . How d ’ you mean you don ’ t know at all ? She must be one or the other . Good-bye , Mrs. Fergusson . Devilish fine woman . Good-bye , dear . Quite a lady . Ah , Mrs. Fergusson , this is a delightful surprise . Ah , ah . Tales out of school , Mrs. Fergusson . Oh , you mustn ’ t listen to all you hear . A man who goes out as much as I do is sure to get talked about . Our world is so small and so censorious . Oh , I ’ m very sorry to hear that . You look the picture of health and extremely handsome . If you will allow me to call on you I can promise to sympathise with you , but I ’ m afraid I shall never be able to tell you that you look anything but charming . I see you ’ ve been raking in the shekels , Dickie . You mustn ’ t ask me to be indiscreet . No , but it pleases women of our class to think one is hand and glove with persons of that profession . Look here , Dickie , now that you have a moment to spare you might give me a little professional advice . Of course , I shan ’ t pay you . The fact is , I ’ ve noticed lately that I ’ m not so thin as I was . I ’ m not asking you for repartee , Dickie , but advice . To tell you the truth , I have an inkling that I ’ ve made something of an impression on a very charming lady .... Strange as it may appear to you , she ’ s a married woman . What do you mean , Dickie ? Why ? But all women do that . It only shows that they like you . Well , my boy , if my wife were as indifferent to me as that , I should ask myself who the other feller was . My dear Dickie , it ’ s woman ’ s nature to be exacting . If she ’ s in love with you she ’ s always a nuisance , and a very charming nuisance too , to my mind . I like it . Now , my dear boy , I didn ’ t come to talk to you about Penelope , but about my own health . Good gracious me , that sounds very alarming . And what shall I do for it ? But that ’ s not treatment , that ’ s homicide ! But , my dear Dickie .... She ’ s a fine , dashing woman . There ’ s no doubt about that . Mrs. Fergusson . Dickie , Dickie . Is my liver very wrong ? Richard , tell me the worst at once . I suppose one has to pay for being the most popular diner-out of one ’ s time . My dear fellow , I am the last man to give a woman away . Between ourselves , Dickie , do you think Mrs. Fergusson would find it peculiar if I asked her to lunch with me tête-à-tête at the Carlton ? Do you think her husband would mind ? It shows that she has a nice nature , or she wouldn ’ t have come to ask Penelope if she minded your going to Paris together . Lucky dog , I wish I were going to Paris with her . Ha , ha . Well , well , I must be running away . I ’ m dining out as usual . These good duchesses , they will not leave me alone . Good-bye . This is a pleasing surprise . I was under the impression you were in Paris . It is my gain . But this is very sudden . What shall we do without you ? But I thought he was bravely fighting for his country . This is more distressing than I can say . And are you going straight through ? How very singular ! I had made all arrangements to go to Paris to-morrow myself . I should look upon it as a privilege . And perhaps we might go to one or two plays while you ’ re there . Ha , ha , ha . It would be very kind of you . Charming creature . So dashing and a thorough gentlewoman . My dear , I ’ m not only the soul of honour , but fifty-two .