What , Jeremy holding forth ? Ay ? Why , then , I 'm afraid Jeremy has wit : for wherever it is , it 's always contriving its own ruin . Poet ! He shall turn soldier first , and rather depend upon the outside of his head than the lining . Why , what the devil , has not your poverty made you enemies enough ? Must you needs shew your wit to get more ? Jeremy speaks like an oracle . Do n't you see how worthless great men and dull rich rogues avoid a witty man of small fortune ? Why , he looks like a writ of enquiry into their titles and estates , and seems commissioned by heaven to seize hte better half . Rail ? At whom ? The whole world ? Impotent and vain ! Who would die a martyr to sense in a country where the religion is folly ? You may stand at bay for a while ; but when the full cry is against you , you sha n't have fair play for your life . If you can n't be fairly run down by the hounds , you will be treacherously shot by the huntsmen . No , turn pimp , flatterer , quack , lawyer , parson , be chaplain to an atheist , or stallion to an old woman , anything but poet . A modern poet is worse , more servile , timorous , and fawning , than any I have named : without you could retrieve the ancient honours of the name , recall the stage of Athens , and be allowed the force of open honest satire . The world behaves itself as it uses to do on such occasions ; some pity you , and condemn your father ; others excuse him , and blame you ; only the ladies are merciful , and wish you well , since love and pleasurable expense have been your greatest faults . Patience , I suppose , the old receipt . And you , like a true great man , having engaged their attendance , and promised more than ever you intended to perform , are more perplexed to find evasions than you would be to invent the honest means of keeping your word , and gratifying your creditors . What , is it bouncing Margery , with my godson ? My blessing to the boy , with this tokenof my love . And d'ye hear , bid Margery put more flocks in her bed , shift twice a week , and not work so hard , that she may not smell so vigorously . I shall take the air shortly . The morning 's a very good morning , if you do n't spoil it . What , I know Trapland has been a whoremaster , and loves a wench still . You never knew a whoremaster that was not an honest fellow . What do n't I know ? I know the buxom black widow in the Poultry . 800 pounds a year jointure , and 20 , 000 pounds in money . Aha ! old Trap . He begins to chuckle ; ply him close , or he 'll relapse into a dun . Here 's a dog now , a traitor in his wine : sirrah , refund the sack .— Jeremy , fetch him some warm water , or I 'll rip up his stomach , and go the shortest way to his conscience . And how do you expect to have your money again when a gentleman has spent it ? He begs pardon like a hangman at an execution . I am surprised ; what , does your father relent ? A very desperate demonstration of your love to Angelica ; and I think she has never given you any assurance of hers . Women of her airy temper , as they seldom think before they act , so they rarely give us any light to guess at what they mean . But you have little reason to believe that a woman of this age , who has had an indifference for you in your prosperity , will fall in love with your ill-fortune ; besides , Angelica has a great fortune of her own ; and great fortunes either expect another great fortune , or a fool . SCENE IX . Pox on him , I 'll be gone . A mender of reputations ! Ay , just as he is a keeper of secrets , another virtue that he sets up for in the same manner . For the rogue will speak aloud in the posture of a whisper , and deny a woman 's name while he gives you the marks of her person . He will forswear receiving a letter from her , and at the same time show you her hand in the superscription : and yet perhaps he has counterfeited the hand too , and sworn to a truth ; but he hopes not to be believed , and refuses the reputation of a lady 's favour , as a Doctor says no to a Bishopric only that it may be granted him . In short , he is public professor of secrecy , and makes proclamation that he holds private intelligence .— He 's here . SCENE XI . That is , when I am yours ; for while I am my own , or anybody 's else , that will never happen . Ay , such rotten reputations as you have to deal with are to be handled tenderly indeed . Not know ‘ em ? Why , thou never had'st to do with anybody that did not stink to all the town . How ? What think you of that noble commoner , Mrs Drab ? Whom we all know . Grace ! Why , Tattle , thou hast more impudence than one can in reason expect : I shall have an esteem for thee , well , and , ha , ha , ha , well , go on , and what did you say to her grace ? Hang him , let him alone , he has a mind we should enquire . Yes , Mrs Frail is a very fine woman , we all know her . What ? To tell what ? Why , what do you know of Mrs Frail ? No ? She says otherwise . Yes , faith . Ask Valentine else . No doubt o n't . Well , but has she done you wrong , or no ? You have had her ? Ha ? Well , you own it ? She 'll be here by and by , she sees Valentine every morning . Nor I , faith . But Tattle does not use to bely a lady ; it is contrary to his character . How one may be deceived in a woman , Valentine ? I 'm resolved I 'll ask her . No ; you told us . Come , then , sacrifice half a dozen women of good reputation to me presently . Come , where are you familiar ? And see that they are women of quality , too — the first quality . No , nothing under a right honourable . No , their titles shall serve . Well , begin then ; but take notice , if you are so ill a painter that I cannot know the person by your picture of her , you must be condemned , like other bad painters , to write the name at the bottom . Well , on that condition . Take heed you do n't fail me . Tattle - Ay , we 'll all give you something . Hang him , he has nothing but the Seasons and the Twelve Caesars — paltry copies — and the Five Senses , as ill-represented as they are in himself , and he himself is the only original you will see there . Yes ; all that have done him favours , if you will believe him . No , no ; come to me if you 'd see pictures . Yes , faith ; I can shew you your own picture , and most of your acquaintance to the life , and as like as at Kneller 's . Yes ; mine are most in black and white . And yet there are some set out in their true colours , both men and women . I can shew you pride , folly , affectation , wantonness , inconstancy , covetousness , dissimulation , malice and ignorance , all in one piece . Then I can shew you lying , foppery , vanity , cowardice , bragging , lechery , impotence , and ugliness in another piece ; and yet one of these is a celebrated beauty , and t'other a professed beau . I have paintings too , some pleasant enough . Why , I have a beau in a bagnio , cupping for a complexion , and sweating for a shape . Then I have a lady burning brandy in a cellar with a hackney coachman . I have some hieroglyphics too ; I have a lawyer with a hundred hands , two heads , and but one face ; a divine with two faces , and one head ; and I have a soldier with his brains in his belly , and his heart where his head should be . No head . Yes , I have a poet weighing words , and selling praise for praise , and a critic picking his pocket . I have another large piece too , representing a school , where there are huge proportioned critics , with long wigs , laced coats , Steinkirk cravats , and terrible faces ; with cat-calls in their hands , and horn-books about their necks . I have many more of this kind , very well painted , as you shall see . I will : I have a mind to your sister . Well , if Tattle entertains you , I have the better opportunity to engage your sister . I 'll give an account of you and your proceedings . If indiscretion be a sign of love , you are the most a lover of anybody that I know : you fancy that parting with your estate will help you to your mistress . In my mind he is a thoughtless adventurer Who hopes to purchase wealth by selling land ; Or win a mistress with a losing hand . Nor good-nature enough to answer him that did ask you ; I 'll say that for you , madam . Only for the affectation of it , as the women do for ill - nature . I shall receive no benefit from the opinion ; for I know no effectual difference between continued affectation and reality . Yes , but I dare trust you ; we were talking of Angelica 's love to Valentine . You wo n't speak of it . Ha , ha , ha ! Your love of Valentine . Why , is the devil in you ? Did not I tell it you for a secret ? Is that your discretion ? Trust a woman with herself ? So faith , your business is done here ; now you may go brag somewhere else . ‘ Oons , why , you wo n't own it , will you ? And I 'll answer for him ; for I 'm sure if he had , he would have told me ; I find , madam , you do n't know Mr Tattle . Why , thence it arises — the thing is proverbially spoken ; but may be applied to him — as if we should say in general terms , he only is secret who never was trusted ; a satirical proverb upon our sex . There 's another upon yours — as she is chaste , who was never asked the question . That 's all . So , why this is fair , here 's demonstration with a witness . Pooh , this proves nothing . Mum , Tattle . No , do n't ; for then you 'll tell us no more . Come , I 'll recommend a song to you upon the hint of my two proverbs , and I see one in the next room that will sing it . Pray sing the first song in the last new play . SONG . Set by Mr John Eccles . I . A nymph and a swain to Apollo once prayed , The swain had been jilted , the nymph been betrayed : Their intent was to try if his oracle knew E'er a nymph that was chaste , or a swain that was true . II . Apollo was mute , and had like t'have been posed , But sagely at length he this secret disclosed : He alone wo n't betray in whom none will confide , And the nymph may be chaste that has never been tried . Come , Valentine , I 'll go with you ; I 've something in my head to communicate to you . Sir Sampson , sad news . Ca n't you guess at what ought to afflict you and him , and all of us , more than anything else ? No . Undoubtedly , Mr Foresight knew all this , and might have prevented it . No , not yet ; nor whirlwind . But we do n't know what it may come to . But it has had a consequence already that touches us all . Something has appeared to your son Valentine . He 's gone to bed upo n't , and very ill . He speaks little , yet he says he has a world to say . Asks for his father and the wise Foresight ; talks of Raymond Lully , and the ghost of Lilly . He has secrets to impart , I suppose , to you two . I can get nothing out of him but sighs . He desires he may see you in the morning , but would not be disturbed to-night , because he has some business to do in a dream . Alas , Mr Foresight , I 'm afraid all is not right . You are a wise man , and a conscientious man , a searcher into obscurity and futurity , and if you commit an error , it is with a great deal of consideration , and discretion , and caution - Nay , nay , ‘ tis manifest ; I do not flatter you . But Sir Sampson is hasty , very hasty . I 'm afraid he is not scrupulous enough , Mr Foresight . He has been wicked , and heav'n grant he may mean well in his affair with you . But my mind gives me , these things cannot be wholly insignificant . You are wise , and should not be over-reached , methinks you should not - You say true , man will err ; mere man will err — but you are something more . There have been wise men ; but they were such as you , men who consulted the stars , and were observers of omens . Solomon was wise , but how ?— by his judgment in astrology . So says Pineda in his third book and eighth chapter - A trifler — but a lover of art . And the Wise Men of the East owed their instruction to a star , which is rightly observed by Gregory the Great in favour of astrology . And Albertus Magnus makes it the most valuable science , because , says he , it teaches us to consider the causation of causes , in the causes of things . I thank my stars that have inclined me . But I fear this marriage and making over this estate , this transferring of a rightful inheritance , will bring judgments upon us . I prophesy it , and I would not have the fate of Cassandra not to be believed . Valentine is disturbed ; what can be the cause of that ? And Sir Sampson is hurried on by an unusual violence . I fear he does not act wholly from himself ; methinks he does not look as he used to do . Come , come , Mr Foresight , let not the prospect of worldly lucre carry you beyond your judgment , nor against your conscience . You are not satisfied that you act justly . You are not satisfied , I say . I am loth to discourage you , but it is palpable that you are not satisfied . Either you suffer yourself to deceive yourself , or you do not know yourself . Do you sleep well o ’ nights ? Are you certain ? You do not look so . So was Valentine this morning ; and looked just so . That may be , but your beard is longer than it was two hours ago . Pox on her , she has interrupted my design — but I must work her into the project . You keep early hours , madam . Pray lend it him , madam . I 'll tell you the reason . Do . I 'll die a martyr rather than disclaim my passion . But come a little farther this way , and I 'll tell you what project I had to get him out of the way ; that I might have an opportunity of waiting upon you . It takes : pursue it in the name of love and pleasure . Look you there now . Your lady says your sleep has been unquiet of late . And did not use to be so ? Do so , Mr Foresight , and say your prayers . He looks better than he did . Yes , yes . I hope this will be gone by morning , taking it in time . I hope you will be able to see Valentine in the morning . You had best take a little diacodion and cowslip-water , and lie upon your back : maybe you may dream . No , no , you look much better . I hope so . Leave that to me ; I will erect a scheme ; and I hope I shall find both Sol and Venus in the sixth house . Good night , good Mr Foresight ; and I hope Mars and Venus will be in conjunction ;— while your wife and I are together . Yes , faith I do ; I have a better opinion both of you and myself than to despair . Yes , several , very honest ; they 'll cheat a little at cards , sometimes , but that 's nothing . Yes , faith , I believe some women are virtuous too ; but ‘ tis as I believe some men are valiant , through fear . For why should a man court danger or a woman shun pleasure ? Why , honour is a public enemy , and conscience a domestic thief ; and he that would secure his pleasure must pay a tribute to one and go halves with t'other . As for honour , that you have secured , for you have purchased a perpetual opportunity for pleasure . Ay , your husband , a husband is an opportunity for pleasure : so you have taken care of honour , and ‘ tis the least I can do to take care of conscience . Yes , faith I think so ; I love to speak my mind . I have no great opinion of myself , but I think I 'm neither deformed nor a fool . Come , I know what you would say : you think it more dangerous to be seen in conversation with me than to allow some other men the last favour ; you mistake : the liberty I take in talking is purely affected for the service of your sex . He that first cries out stop thief is often he that has stol'n the treasure . I am a juggler , that act by confederacy ; and if you please , we 'll put a trick upon the world . Faith , I 'm sound . I 'll swear you 're handsome . And you 'd think so , though I should not tell you so . And now I think we know one another pretty well . Well ; you 'll give me leave to wait upon you to your chamber door , and leave you my last instructions ? I have heard of her . Why , faith , I have a good lively imagination , and can dream as much to the purpose as another , if I set about it . But dreaming is the poor retreat of a lazy , hopeless , and imperfect lover ; ‘ tis the last glimpse of love to worn-out sinners , and the faint dawning of a bliss to wishing girls and growing boys . There 's nought but willing , waking love , that can Make blest the ripened maid and finished man . Well , is your master ready ? does he look madly and talk madly ? Would he have Angelica acquainted with the reason of his design ? I saw her take coach just now with her maid , and think I heard her bid the coachman drive hither . Well , I 'll try her : — ‘ tis she — here she comes . Not upon a kind occasion , madam . But when a lady comes tyrannically to insult a ruined lover , and make manifest the cruel triumphs of her beauty , the barbarity of it something surprises me . She 's concerned , and loves him . Faith , madam , I wish telling a lie would mend the matter . But this is no new effect of an unsuccessful passion . I 'm afraid the physician is not willing you should see him yet . Jeremy , go in and enquire . So , this is pretty plain . Be not too much concerned , madam ; I hope his condition is not desperate . An acknowledgment of love from you , perhaps , may work a cure , as the fear of your aversion occasioned his distemper . Hey , brave woman , i'faith — wo n't you see him , then , if he desire it ? So , faith , good nature works apace ; you were confessing just now an obligation to his love . Humh ! An admirable composition , faith , this same womankind . Gone ? Why , she was never here , nor anywhere else ; nor I do n't know her if I see her , nor you neither . We are all under a mistake . Ask no questions , for I can n't resolve you ; but I 'll inform your master . In the meantime , if our project succeed no better with his father than it does with his mistress , he may descend from his exaltation of madness into the road of common sense , and be content only to be made a fool with other reasonable people . I hear Sir Sampson . You know your cue ; I 'll to your master . For heav'n ' s sake softly , sir , and gently ; do n't provoke him . You 'd better let him go , sir , and send for him if there be occasion ; for I fancy his presence provokes him more . Miracle ! The monster grows loving . That ever I should suspect such a heathen of any remorse ! You must excuse his passion , Mr Foresight , for he has been heartily vexed . His son is non compos mentis , and thereby incapable of making any conveyance in law ; so that all his measures are disappointed . Madam , you and I can tell him something else that he did not foresee , and more particularly relating to his own fortune . Hush , softly ,— the pleasures of last night , my dear , too considerable to be forgot so soon . ‘ Sdeath , do you make no difference between me and your husband ? You make me mad . You are not serious . Pray recollect yourself . And did not ? This I have heard of before , but never believed . I have been told , she had that admirable quality of forgetting to a man 's face in the morning that she had lain with him all night , and denying that she had done favours with more impudence than she could grant ‘ em . Madam , I 'm your humble servant , and honour you .— You look pretty well , Mr Foresight : how did you rest last night ? ‘ Twas a very forgetting night . But would you not talk with Valentine ? Perhaps you may understand him ; I 'm apt to believe there is something mysterious in his discourses , and sometimes rather think him inspired than mad . And have you given your master a hint of their plot upon him ? It may make us sport . Ask him , Mr Foresight . I believe it is a spring tide . Humour him , madam , by all means . How 's this ! Tattle making love to Angelica ! I will — I have discovered something of Tattle that is of a piece with Mrs Frail . He courts Angelica ; if we could contrive to couple ‘ em together .— Hark'ee — Mr Foresight , we had best leave him . He may grow outrageous , and do mischief . Jeremy , follow Tattle . Madam , I am very glad that I overheard a better reason which you gave to Mr Tattle ; for his impertinence forced you to acknowledge a kindness for Valentine , which you denied to all his sufferings and my solicitations . So I 'll leave him to make use of the discovery , and your ladyship to the free confession of your inclinations . Oh , I hope he will do well again . I have a message from him to your niece Angelica . Who ? Angelica ? ‘ Sdeath , it 's a jest . I can n't believe it . Death and hell ! Where 's Valentine ? SCENE X . SIR SAMPSON , ANGELICA , FORESIGHT , MRS FORESIGHT , BEN , BUCKRAM . No , really , sir . I 'm his witness ; it was all counterfeit . ‘ Sdeath , you are not mad indeed , to ruin yourself ? I hear the fiddles that Sir Sampson provided for his own wedding ; methinks ‘ tis pity they should not be employed when the match is so much mended . Valentine , though it be morning , we may have a dance . Call ‘ em , Jeremy . The music stays for you . Well , madam , you have done exemplary justice in punishing an inhuman father and rewarding a faithful lover . But there is a third good work which I , in particular , must thank you for : I was an infidel to your sex , and you have converted me . For now I am convinced that all women are not like fortune , blind in bestowing favours , either on those who do not merit or who do not want ‘ em .