Welcome , my bride , into the habitation of thy husband . The scruples of the parson —— No , she 's busy . ‘ Know , cruel woman , I have discovered the secret of your marriage ; you shall have all the plague of a jealous husband , without the pleasure of giving him cause . I have this morning counterfeited billetdoux and letters from bawds ; nay , I have sent pimps ; some of which , I hope , are fallen into your old coxcomb 's hands . If you deny me the pleasure of tipping him a real cuckold , at least , I 'll have the resentment to make him an imaginary one . Know that this is not the hundredth part of the revenge that shall be executed upon thee , by R. P . ’ All gone ! what no more ladies here ? no more ladies !O that I had but a boarding-school , or a middle gallery ! Enter Sarsnet , follow 'd by two porters bearing a chest . Set down the things here : there is no occasion for carrying them up stairs , since they are to be sent into the country to morrow .What have I done ? My marriage , these confounded whimsies , and doctor Lubomirski , have made me quite forget poor lady Hippokekoana . She was in convulsions , and I am afraid dead by this time . You have another in your chest much odder . I want to see that . Ay , ‘ tis plain she would lure me from the chest ; there I shall find him . All this is nothing to the embroider 'd sattin . Prithee , my dear , give me the key . This Underplot is a confounded villain , he would make me jealous of an honest civil gentleman , only for an opportunity to cuckold me himself .Come , my dear , forget all that is past . I know —— I have proved thee virtuous . But prithee , love , leave me a moment ; I expect some Egyptian rarities . This is all we have for the flying dragon so celebrated by antiquity . A cheap purchase ! It cost me but fifteen guineas . But the Jew made it up in the butterfly and the spider . Enter two porters bearing a Mummy . Oh ! here 's my mummy . Set him down . I am in haste . Tell captain Bantam , I 'll talk with him at the coffee-house .Enter two porters bearing an Alligator . A most stupendous animal ! set him down .Poor lady Hippokekoana 's convulsions ! I believe there is fatality in it , that I can never get to her . Who can I trust my house to in my absence ? Were my wife as chaste as Lucretia , who knows what an unlucky minute may bring forth ! In cuckoldom , the art of attack is prodigiously improved beyond the art of defence . So far it is manifest , Underplot has a design upon my honour . For the ease of my mind , I will lock up my wife in this my musaeum , ‘ till my return . Enter TOWNLEY , and SARSNET . You will find something here , my dear , to divert yourself . Let us have no rash dispute , brothers ; but proceed methodically —— Behold the vanity of mankind !Some Ptolemy perhaps !—— His pyramid , alas ! is now but a wainscot case . Pardon me , Dr. Possum : The musaeum of the curious is a lasting monument . And I think it no degradation to a dead person of quality , to bear the rank of an anatomy in the learned world . An excellent medicine ! he is hot in the first-degree , and exceeding powerful in some diseases of women . What an outragious conceit is this ! had you contented yourself with the metamorphosis of Jupiter , our skill in the classicks might have prevented our terror . Dr. Nautilus is an infirm tender gentleman ; I wish the sudden concussion of his animal spirits may not kindle him into a fever . I myself , I must confess , have an extreme palpitation . Appollo , for ought I know , may be a very fine person ; but this I am very sure of , that the skill he has given all his physicians is not sufficient to cure the madness of his poets . You diabolical performers of my niece 's masquerade , will it please you to follow those gentlemen ? Dance ! the devil ! bring me hither a spit , a fire-fork , I 'll try whether the monsters are impenetrable or no . Sweetly , Horace . Nunquam satis , and so forth . A man can never be too cautious . Madam , sit down by me . Pray how long is it since you and I have been married ? And what anxieties has this time produc 'd ? the dangers of divorce ! calumniatory letters ! lewd fellows introduc 'd by my niece ! groundless jealousies on both sides ! even thy virginity put to the touch-stone ! but this last danger I plung 'd thee in myself ; to leave thee in the room with two such robust young fellows . This is the first blest minute of repose that I have enjoy 'd in matrimony . Dost thou know the reason , my dear , why I have chosen thee of all womankind ? No . No . No . But for the natural conformity of our constitutions . Because thou art hot and moist in the third degree , and I myself cold and dry in the first . Thou hast nothing to do but to submit thy constitution to my regimen . What if I am ? Patience , patience , I beseech you . Indeed I have no posterity . Passion is but the tempestuous cloud that obscures reason ; be calm and I 'll convince you . Friend , how come you to bring the infant hither ? I shall find law for you , sirrah . Call my neighbour Possum , he is a justice of peace , as well as a physician . Mr. justice Possum , for now I must so call you , not brother Possum ; here is a troublesome fellow with a child , which he would leave in my house . It seemeth to me to be a child unlawfully begotten . To our family . This is all from the purpose . I was married this morning at seven ; let any man in the least acquainted with the powers of nature , judge whether that human creature could be conceiv 'd and brought to maturity in one forenoon . Whither are you going so fast , hussy ? I will examine every thing within these walls .‘ For Richard Plotwell , esq ; ’ This letter unravels the whole affair : As she is an unfortunate relation of mine , I must beg you would act with discretion .