Now , do n't move . Remember you 're a sick man , and forget you 're a servant . I found a red lamp only three doors off . He 'll be along in half a minute . How could I explain what it was , you fool , when I do n't know ? I simply asked to see the doctor , and I told him there was a fellow-creature suffering at No . 126 , and would he come at once . “ 126 ? ” he said , “ 126 has been shut up for years . ” I saida hundred and twenty-six — and ran off . Then he yelled out after me that he 'd come instantly .... I say , Shawn , we 're discovered . I could tell that from his sudden change of tone . I bet the entire street knows that the celebrated Me has arrived at last . I feel like a criminal already , dashed if I do n't ! I wish we 'd gone to a hotel now .I say , did you make up the bed ? But what about sheets and so on ? Well , do n't you think you could work your passage out to the bed ? With my help ? Keep on in that tone — and I 'll give you the sack on the spot . Now then . Try — before the doctor comes . Confound —— Just now . That is , he only began to complain about six o'clock . We arrived in London this morning from Madrid . What for ? But there is n't any ... we 've nothing except this spirit-lamp . Not one . Shawn , my poor fellow , he takes you for the illustrious Ilam Carve . This is what comes of me rushing out in shirt sleeves .I can n't explain it to him . It 's all right . You 'll be infinitely better looked after , you know , and I shall be saved from their infernal curiosity . Shawn , I 've always suspected you were a bad lot . Now I know . I also know why you were so devilish anxious to put me to bed early . What am I to say to this young lady on your behalf ? I do n't think we 've got a wine glass . There 's a cup , but I suppose that is n't medical enough . What is this device ? PASCOE . This device ? I 'm going to get some strychnine into him by injection . Steady with that cup , now ! Might I ask what 's the matter with him ? Surely that 's some one in the hall . There 's one there . Yes . I — I think he was just making it up . Always . Can I do anything ? I see it . The bell must be out of order . Oh ! You think I 'm out of order . All we famous folk ? What sort of thing ? The front door ? On purpose ? What for ? You 're the young lady that Mr. Shawn 's expecting —— So you 're the young lady — Mrs .— Miss —— No , no . Not a message .... But — the fact is , we 're rather upset here for the moment . Now , if it is n't an indiscreet question , how did you know that there was illness ? Pneumonia . Mercy ? Coming over from the Continent . Mr. Shawn ? Oh no , no ! It 's Ilam Carve . And who told you that ? You think he will ? Well , if you could call again —— Not precisely a message . But if you could call again —— Any time . Any time . Soon . Why not morning ? Nothing to complain of , if you ask me . I say — you wo n't forget ? What 's this about a nurse ? On the contrary , I should like him to be treated with every care . He 's invaluable to me . But you think I carry oddness rather far ? Nervousness — nothing but nervousness . I 'm very nervous . And then — you know the saying — like master , like man . Oh , very . Always was . Ever since I 've known him . You remember his first picture at the Academy ? Either you remember it exactly or you do n't remember it at all . Life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle . Not a bit . The oddness of the fellow —— His oddness came out in this way — although the thing had really a great success , from that day to this he 's never painted another life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle . Do n't you ? Well , perhaps you do n't go in for art much . If you did , you 'd know that the usual and correct thing for a painter who has made a great success with a life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle , is to keep on doing life-size pictures of a policeman blowing his whistle for ever and ever , so that the public can always count on getting from him a life-size picture of a policeman blowing his whistle . Seeing the way he invariably flouted the public , it 's always been a mystery to me how he managed to make a name , to say nothing of money . No , not Alcar . I think the bobby was last bought by Texel . Collector — United States — one of their kings , I 'm told . Really ! That 's what I should call influence . No . It was the “ Pelicans feeding their Young ” that Alcar bought . Four thousand . You 're getting mixed up . Then the — governor really is famous in England ? You see we never come to England . Yes . I 've looked at his prices . Titian 's prices are higher , but Titian is n't what you 'd call famous with the general public , is he ? What I want to know is — is the governor famous among the general public ? About how famous should you say he is ? No , it is n't . Is he as famous as — er — Harry Lauder ? Is he as famous as Harry Vardon ? I only see these names in the papers . Is he as famous as Bernard Shaw ? Oh , well that 's not so bad . Better than I thought ! It 's so difficult to judge where one is — er — personally concerned . Especially if you 're never on the spot . Why should he come to England ? He is n't a portrait painter . It 's true he owns this house , but surely that is n't sufficient excuse for living in a place like England ? Well , there is . Have a cigarette ? Oh !He gave it me . Well , you see we 're more like brothers — been together so long . He gives me his best suits too . Look at this waistcoat . Yes — shyness . Just simple shyness . Shyness is a disease with the governor , a perfect disease . Did you notice it ? Pardon me . My esteemed employer 's shyness is a special shyness . He 's only shy when he has to play the celebrity . So long as people take him for no one in particular he 's quite all right . For instance , he 's never shy with me . But instantly people approach him as the celebrity , instantly he sees in the eye of the beholder any consciousness of being in the presence of a toff — then he gets desperately shy , and his one desire is to be alone at sea or to be buried somewhere deep in the bosom of the earth .What are you laughing at ? No , but seriously ! It 's true what I tell you . It amounts almost to a tragedy in the brilliant career of my esteemed . You see now that England would be impossible for him as a residence . You see , do n't you ? Why , even on the Continent , in the big towns and the big hotels , we often travel incognito for safety . It 's only in the country districts that he goes about under his own name . None , except a few Italian and Spanish peasants — and me . Oh , not so bad as that ! And then it 's only fair to say he has his moments of great daring — you may say rashness . Are they ?We 're here now owing to one of his moments of rashness . Yes . We met an English lady in a village in Andalusia , and — well , of course , I can n't tell you everything — but she flirted with him and he flirted with her . Yes . And then he proposed to her . I knew all along it was a blunder . Yes . She belonged to the aristocracy , and she was one of those amateur painters that wander about the Continent by themselves — you know . Oh yes . They got as far as Madrid together , and then all of a sudden my esteemed saw that he had made a mistake . We fled the country . We hooked it . The idea of coming to London struck him — just the caprice of a man who 's lost his head — and here we are . Him ?Really ! Confound him ! Now I 've always suspected that ; though he manages to keep his goings-on devilish quiet . It 's such a pleasure to talk freely — for once in a way . Oh ! He wo n't mind ! Digging ? Oh no . He must have got a bad chill on the steamer . Why ? Oh , I see ! All artists are like that . Messing about with paints and acids and things . Look at my hands . No , no . But — but —— You do n't mean to say — Why , he 's a strong healthy man ! But this is ridiculous . I simply do n't know what I shall do without that man . The stage is darkened for a few moments to indicate passage of time . Will there have to be an inquest ? It 's some relief to know that . I could n't have faced a coroner . That 's what you call perfectly ordinary , is it ? A man is quite well on Tuesday afternoon , and dead at 4 a. m. on Thursday morning .My watch has stopped . Almost half an hour ago . Two sausages that were sent in yesterday for the nurse . Oh yes . No , I — I did n't telegraph — I forgot —— I did n't know the address . See here , doctor . I 'm afraid there 's been some mistake . Registrar ? Is that the front door bell ? Oh yes , I have ! You got up a great quarrel when you were aged twelve , you and he . How did you get to know about it ? Yes . I 've never spoken to a journalist in my life . Very well . Then you 're going ? PASCOE . Yes . Want a word of advice ? I — I ought —— Now for it !Well ? Recognize your cousin ? Should you indeed .And so you 're Cyrus , the little boy that kicked and tried to bite in that historic affray of thirty years ago . What salary ? Eighty pounds a year . The day before yesterday . But listen —— What bank ? He did n't keep them in any bank . He kept them himself . Yes . Why not ? Mine . That is —— His .Now then , mind what you 're about ! Those are etching things . That 's a typewriter . That was — his servant 's . Yes , I mean mine . What the devil has that got to do with you ? I 've got something to tell you —— Yes . Here . Yes . I 'm not laughing . I 'm smiling .There 's nothing there except lists of securities and pictures and a few oddments — passports and so on . Here , steady ! There 's twelve thousand francs there besides some English notes . That 's mine . Yes . And those letters are mine too . So long as you burn them I do n't mind . Oh ! Is that still there ? I thought it was destroyed . Yes . It 's a will that was made in Venice I do n't know how long ago — just after your aunt died and you had that appalling and final shindy by correspondence about the lease of this house . Everything is left for the establishment of an International Gallery of Painting and Sculpture in London , and you 're the sole executor , and you get a legacy of five pounds for your trouble . He did . He said it would be one in the eye for you — and he wondered whether you 'd decline the executorship . But he meant to destroy that will long since . No . I was forgetting that . He 's left his card . There it is . Yes . But he did n't . His house is only three doors off . Shall you ? I say . Nothing . Oh ! You ! Had you ? Well , will you sit down — er — I sayWhat do you think of that chap ? It 's Mr. Cyrus Carve . The great West End auctioneer . Did he ? The man is an ass . Not content with being an ass merely , he is a pompous and a stupid ass .Now there is something very important that he ought to know , and he would n't let me tell him . JANET . Really ? Yes , very important . But no . He would n't let me tell him . And perhaps if I 'd told him he would n't have believed me . I do n't know — Would n't let me . Now I wonder if you 're right . No , I 'm hanged if I write to him ! Perhaps it is .Pardon me .I was only thinking what a terrific lark it will be . If he never does get to know . If nobody ever gets to know .No . I 'll keep my mouth shut . You advise me to keep my mouth shut ? He shall go his own way . And I 'll — go — mine . And that being settled , the first thing I have to do is to apologize for my behaviour on Tuesday night . Done the same yourself ? Just so . Quite . Let me see now —— Where did I put it ? Oh , perhaps it 's in the pocket of another coat . If you knew what I 've been through this last day or two —— I have n't had a quiet moment . Now ——“ Dear Sir , in reply to your advertisement , I write to you with particulars of my case . I am a widow , aged thirty-two years —— ” My dear lady !“ Thirty-two years . My father was a jobbing builder , well known in Putney and Wandsworth . My husband was a rent collector and estate agent . He died four years ago of appendicitiscaught —— ” I beg pardon , “ — caused by accidentally swallowing a bristle out of his tooth-brush , the same being discovered at the operation . I am an orphan , a widow , and have no children . In consequence I feel very lonely , and my first experience not being distasteful , indeed the reverse , I am anxious to try again , provided I can meet with a sincere helpmeet of good family . I am the owner of the above house , rated at forty-five pounds a year , in one of the nicest streets in Putney , and I have private means of some three pounds a week , from brewery shares bringing in fifteen per cent . I will say nothing about my appearance , but enclose latest carte-de-visite photograph . ” “ As to my tastes , I will only say that as a general rule they are quiet . If the above seems in your line , I shall be obliged if you will write and send me particulars of yourself , with photographs .— Yours truly , JANET CANNOT . ” Well , Mrs . Cannot , your letter is an absolute model . Well —— By the way , what 's this type-written thing in the envelope ? Oh ! So thats the explanation of the typewriter . Private secretary ! I — shall we just glance through my reply ?“ My dear Mrs . Cannot , your letter inspires me with more confidence than any of the dozens of others I have received . ”“ As regards myself , I should state at once that I am and have been for many years private secretary , indeed I may say almost companion , to the celebrated painter . Mr. Ilam Carve , whose magnificent pictures you are doubtless familiar with . ” Really . “ We have been knocking about England together for longer than I care to remember , and I personally am anxious for a change . Our present existence is very expensive . I feel the need of a home and the companionship of just such a woman as yourself . Although a bachelor , I think I am not unfitted for the domestic hearth . My age is forty . ” That 's a mistake of the typewriter . Forty-five it ought to be . “ My age is forty-five . By a strange coincidence Mr . Carve has suggested to me that we set out for England to-morrow . At Dover I will telegraph you with a rendezvous . In great haste . Till then , my dear Mrs . Cannot , believe me , ” etc . Perhaps I was afraid of prejudicing you in advance . Oh , quite . Mr . Carve ?...Oh !He 's dead ! Early this morning . I forgot for the moment . I was n't thinking —— Now , Mrs . Cannot , I assure you I feel that man 's death . I admit I had very little affection for him — certainly not much respect — but we 'd been together a long time , and his death is a shock to me . Yes , really . But I 've had to think so much about my own case — and then a scene , a regular scene with Cyrus Carve . And then you coming . The fact is —— A month ? But what am I to do with myself for a month ? Do you know you 're absolutely the only friend I 've got in London — in England . We 're never here . I 'm an utter stranger . You can n't leave me like that — for a month — four weeks — four Sundays . I have n't the least idea what 's going to happen to me . Yes , but where ? I 've got to be out of this place in half an hour , less . The fact is , Cyrus Carve has been extremely — er — pert . He 's paid me a month 's salary and I 'm off at once . In under thirty minutes I shall be on the streets . But I do n't know any nice respectable boarding-house . I have n't had a paper to-day . I do n't think I should fancy it . And I was thinking how cheap it was . Upon my soul I do n't know what money I have got . Let 's see . Well , there 's seven poundsand thisNot much is it ? Sixteen shillings and sixpence . It 's true I 've an annuity of eighty pounds . I was forgetting that . Yes . But an annuity is n't ready cash , is it ? I was forgetting that too . Twenty-one fives , and ten tens . That makes two hundred and five pounds .I always knew I was a bad lot — but where did I collar all that from ?I know what I shall do ! I shall go to the Grand Babylon . In the big towns we always went to the best hotel . It 's cheapest in the end . Now , Mrs . Cannot , will you do me a favour ? Will you come and lunch with me at the Grand Babylon to-morrow ? Remember . You 're my only friend . Will you come and lunch with me at the Grand Babylon to-morrow ? I 'm really delighted to see you . I 'm not . Perhaps it 's these sleepless nights I 've had . I was wearing my dressing-gown . I nearly always do when I 'm alone . Do you think you 'd mind if I put it on again . Yes . Cousin Cyrus thought so too . He did n't want me to bring it away . Still , I beat him on that point .Do you know , you do me good . Well , and what 's the news from outside ? I have n't stirred since yesterday noon . Really ! Is it so much talked about as all that ? Nearly a page of it in the Telegraph ! I never read obituaries of artists in the papers . Well , they make me angry . Obituaries of archbishops are n't so bad . Newspapers seem to understand archbishops . But when they begin about artists — you cannot imagine the astounding nonsense they talk . What did the Telegraph say ? Did you look at it ? Eccentric ! There you are ! He was n't eccentric in the least . The only society he avoided was the society of gaping fools . Really ! It said that ? Upon my soul I think I must . I was only going to telephone and have the daily papers sent up . There . Telephone in every room . Just take that thing off the hook and talk into it .It wo n't explode . Tell them to send me up the daily papers at once . Yes . Certainly . Thanks very much . Now you can hang it up again . What are you looking for ? No . This is my sitting-room . Yes . That 's one way to my bathroom . In a big hotel I always take a suite , you know . It 's so much more comfortable . To tell you the truth , I did n't ask the price . Thanks ! Give them to me . Now let 's just glance at these chaps . Why ? Here 's black borders and a heading across two columns ! “ Death of England 's greatest painter , ” “ Irreparable loss to the world 's art , ” “ Our readers will be shocked —— ” Are they all like that ?“ Sad death of a great genius . ” “ London 's grief . ” “ The news will come as a personal blow to every lover of great painting . ” But — but — I 'd no notion of this .It 's terrible . “ Although possibly something of a poseur in his choice of subjects .... ” The fellow 's a fool . Poseur indeed ! Well — well . London 's grief . It 's the luncheon orchestra downstairs . Never mind it . Let ‘ em ring . I understand now why journalists and so on have been trying all day to see me . Honestly I 'm — I 'm staggered . I 'll stop it . Father Looe ? Never heard of him . Would you mind saying I 'm not at home ? Did you want to see him ? Then you shall . Tell them to send him up , will you ? Of course . Perhaps with your being here I sha n't be quite so shy . Painfully ! Who told them that , I should like to know ? It 's very curious . I have n't felt a bit shy with you . Yes . Yes . Please sit down . My friend , Mrs. Janet Cannot . A Catholic ? Yes — I believe so . Ilam Carve was not a Catholic . Ilam Carve was not a Catholic . Nothing in particular . Look here — what 's all this about ? Buried in Westminster Abbey ? I quite see . A decree absolute . Decidedly not . The whole thing is preposterous . Do n't you think you 're rather young to be in sole charge of this country ? He used Chinese white like anything . Chinese white , of course . My notion is that it does n't matter a fig how you get effects so long as you do get them . His ? Rather . You bet it was . The doctor ? What doctor ? But I do n't want to see him . Why ? But this is n't the doctor ? Who told you that ? I 've nothing to say . I 've nothing to say . Eccentric life on the Continent ! I would n't mind signing an order for the fellow 's execution . Or burning at the stake . You 'd bury him in Westminster Abbey because he 's a philanthropist , not because he 's an artist . That 's England all over .... Well , I 'm hanged if I 'll have it . And I tell you another thing — he 's not dead . I am Ilam Carve . That 's just what I am . It must be stopped . I 'm doing nothing out of bed . I was afraid I had n't . But I called and called , and there was no answer . So then I began to argue the point . Why not get up ? I 'd had a tremendous long sleep . I felt singularly powerful . And I thought you 'd gone home . I did , honestly . Yes . But of course I thought you might be coming back sooner or later . You 've scarcely left me for three days and three nights , Mrs . Cannot , so far as I remember . Surely it was natural for me to suppose that you 'd gone home to your own affairs . Now , do n't be angry . I 'm only convalescent . No , I 'm dashed if I do ! I say , I 'm dashed if I do ! I wo n't stir until I 've thanked you . I 've been ill I do n't know how many times ; but this is the first time in my life I 've ever enjoyed being ill. D'you knowI 'd really no idea what nursing was . I should like to . Even in this barracksyou 've quite altered my views of life . I suppose coffee 's on the menu ? I think I should like some café au lait , and a roll . All right . And then when I 've had it I 'll go to bed . Hello ! What 's this ? Hotel bill-receipted ? And you paid it ? Oh , not much above four pounds , I hope . Well ? Really ! What ? “ Admit Mr. Albert Shawn to Westminster Abbey , cloisters entrance .... Funeral .... Tuesday . ” ... That 's to-day , is n't it ? But you told me he was n't going to be buried in Westminster Abbey . You told me Cyrus Carve had insisted on cremation . Then he 's .... Westminster Abbey ! But it 's awful . Absolutely awful . I told you — I explained the whole thing to you . There 'll be a perfect Hades of a row . I must write to the Dean at once . I must —— Do you believe it ? No , you do n't . Honestly , do you now ? I must see her . I must see her . It 's very kind of you . And whom have we to thank for this beautiful national manifestation of sympathy with art ? Did your brother relent and graciously permit Lady Leonard Alcar to encourage a national funeral ? Or was it due solely to the influence of the newspapers written by people of refined culture like the man who gave his opinion the other day that I had got ‘ em ? Or perhaps you yourself settled it with your esteemed uncle over a cup of tea ? I used to — a little . Miss Looe , I suppose you 're on very confidential terms with your uncle . Will you give him a message from me . He 'll do perhaps better than anybody . It is something important — very important indeed . In fact — I — No , I can n't tell you . At least , not now . Thanks very much for calling . What 's this about being engaged to be married ? But are we cousins ? I see . All what ? But do you mean to say you 'd — But you must n't forget that he was really very successful indeed .... Just look at the money he made , for instance . He had the supreme satisfaction of doing what he enjoyed doing better than anybody else could do it . Painting . Do you know — a good deal of what you say applies to me . Doing with myself ? Oh , that ! It must be a photograph of the lady he was engaged to . He broke it off , you know . That was why we came to London in such a hurry . Lady Alice Rowfant . I do n't know . Everything got mixed up . Clothes , papers , everything . Of course ! Look here , do you suppose Lady Alice Rowfant is anything to me ? No . Honestly . I just wanted to tell you —— But I say , what are you doing ? What ? Now ? But you can n't leave me like this . I 'm very ill . And when shall you come back ? I shall be delighted to . But before that , wo n't you come here ? Why not to-morrow ? Listen — have some tea before you go . I have n't begun to thank you . You 're so sudden . I say — what can you see in me ? I — I do n't know what it is .... Something ....I dunno ! Everything ! Supposing I have a relapse ? But supposing I do ? Please send me up a telegraph form . The pattern of this jug is really not so bad .... Yes , my soul ? Is there any more coffee ? Hot ? Then I do n't want any . Got any bacon ? Does n't matter . Ca n't you see he 's teasing you ? And now you 're going to leave me ? Jane — But I will call you Jane . Jane , why do you ask me if I 'm sure I 'm happy ? When a man has first-class food and first-class love , together with a genuine French bed , really waterproof boots , a constant supply of hot water in the bathroom , enough money to buy cigarettes and sixpenny editions , the freedom to do what he likes all day and every day — and — let me see , what else — a complete absence of domestic servants — then either that man is happy or he is a silly cuckoo ! My sweet child , what 's the matter with you ? And I forgot it last year , did n't I ? I shall be forgetting my dinner next . And yet all last week I was thinking about this most important day , and telling myself I must remember it . Well , it does just happen that the proof is behind the sideboard . A present . It was all ready and waiting five days ago . No , no . You can n't take a picture like snuff ! Get away from it .Now ! Well , not to beat about the bush , yes . How many times have you told me you hate flattery ? It is pretty good . In fact it 's devilish good . It 's one of the best things I ever did in my life . Old Carve would have got eight hundred for that like a shot . And now will she let him finish reading his paper ? This . Yes , they 've begun it at last . As for example ? Well , what should you have done , witch ? I do n't want more . If he 'd left me eight hundred a year instead of eighty , I should n't be any happier . That 's just what I 've learnt since I took lodgings in your delightful wigwam , Jane — money and fame have no connection whatever with happiness . But I have . You wo n't hear of me paying more than half the household expenses , and you say they 're never more than thirty shillings a week . Half thirty — fifteen . Look at the balance it leaves me . Anything wrong ? Jane , I do believe you 've been hiding something from me . I 've felt it for several days . “ Mrs. Albert Shawn . Sir or Madam . ” — Why are shareholders never supposed to have any particular sex ?— “ Sir or Madam . Cohoon 's Brewery , Ltd .,— I am directed by the shareholders ’ provisional committee of investigation to request your attendance at an informal meeting of shareholders to be held in room 2009 Winchester House on Friday the 20th inst . at noon . If you cannot be present , will you kindly write stating whether or not you will be prepared to support the committee of investigation at the annual meeting . In view of the probability that the directors ’ report will be unfavourable , and the ordinary dividend either passed or much reduced , the committee wishes to be thoroughly prepared and armed . Believe me , Sir or Madam . ” Oh ! So that 's it , is it ? Oh , well ! We must wait and see what happens . I never worry about money . Personally , I am quite satisfied with a plain but perfect table . I can place eighty pounds per annum at your absolute disposal . That alone will pay for over a thousand best cuts . And yet you have several times taken your Bible oath that my half-share of it all came to less than forty pounds . Jane , you have been a deceitful thing . But never mind . I will draw a veil over this sinful past . Let us assume that beer goes all to pieces , and that you never get another cent out of Cohoon 's . Well , as you need a hundred and eighty a year , I will give you a hundred and eighty a year . I shall earn it . I shall earn it here . Painting ! If I wanted , I could take a cab and sell that in Bond Street inside sixty minutes at my own price . Only I do n't want . Yes , I was looking for it the other day , and I could n't find it . Sold ?What in the name of —— So he would . It was absolutely characteristic . And where 's the picture now ? I must get hold of it . How could I be vexed with two neckties to the good ? But do n't do it again , Jane . I shall go round to the Reindeer this morning and have a drink . If that picture ever found its way to a Bond Street expert 's , the consequences might be awkward — devilish awkward . Because it 's dated , you see . Just get me my cash-box , will you ? You see that ?Well , count it ! That 's what I 've earned with painting , just at odd times . I 'll tell you . You know the framemaker 's next to Salmon and Gluckstein 's . I buy my colours and canvases and things there . They cost money . I owed the chap two pounds once , and one morning , in the shop , when I was opening my box to put some new tubes in , he saw one of my pictures all wet . He offered of his own accord to take it for what I owed him . I would n't let him have it . But I was rather hard up , so I said I 'd do him another instead , and I did him one in a different style and not half as good , and of course he liked it even better . Since then , I 've done him quite a few . It is n't that I 've needed the money ; but it 's a margin , and colours and frames , etc . come to a dickens of a lot in a year . With the pictures ? Do n't know . I 've never seen one in his window . I have n't been selling him any lately . Oh , I did n't feel like it . And the things were getting too good . But , of course , I can start again any time . You bet he would . Oh , three or four hours . I work pretty quickly . There 's one of your tradesmen . That ‘ ud make ‘ em sit up in Bond Street . Good-morning . By chance I have n't ! Not a square inch . No . It 's not for sale . Well ! Janet , would you mind leaving us a minute . Yes . Why do you ask me ? What 's that ? Look here ! I never could stick being called “ master ” ! It 's worse even than “ maître . ” Have a cigarette ? How did you find out who I was ? Yes , but you knew before you saw that . But I 'd completely altered my style . I altered it on purpose . Who are you ? What ! You 're my old dealer ! The fact is , perhaps , I ought to explain . I 'll say this — you know a picture when you see it . All right ! Well , I 'll only ask you to persevere in your discretion . As you say , it is n't your affair . Thank goodness , I did n't put a date on any of these things . I wo n't sell any more . I 'd take an oath never to paint again , only I know I should go and break it next week . I shall rely on this famous discretion of yours to say nothing — nothing whatever . How too late ? Publicly ? Why ? What does that matter ? There is n't a date on any of them . And if there is ? No law against painting a taxi , I hope ! The devil ! But I wo n't give evidence ! You 've brought this on yourself . How much did you sell those little pictures for ? And what did you pay for them ? I ask you , what did you pay for them ? Damned Jew ! I do n't care . Me in the witness-box ! Me cross-examined ! No . That 's always been my nightmare ! Please go .Please go . You 've been listening ? Here 's a perfect Hades of a mess . Your faculty for keeping calm really is most singular . Anybody would say you did n't care a cent whether I 'm Ilam Carve or whether I 'm somebody else . But are n't you convinced now ? Oh yes ; had an excellent night in this chair . Well , of course I looked after it now and then . I did n't want to perish in my solitude . Janet , we are a pair of great babies to have quarrelled like that ,— especially at bedtime . Well , did n't we ? What did you agree with ? I should like to know . And do you call that agreeing with me ? I know perfectly well from your tone that in spite of all my explanations and reiterations during the last three months you do n't believe I 'm Ilam Carve . You only say you do in order to soothe me . I hate being soothed . You 're as convinced as ever that Ebag is a rascal , and that I 've got a bee in my bonnet . Well , I like that ! Hush , hush ! There !Who 's being an infant now ? I hope you never will . One of the chief charms of existence in your wigwam , my child , is that I never hear any confounded chatter about art . Now — are we pals ? Why — what are you dressed like that for ? Going away ? Oh , nothing will upset me now . But you might let me know at once if the editor of the Spectator calls round with the bread . Oh , for a machine gun — one simple little machine gun !She immediately returns with a tray containing bread , etc ., and a toasting-fork . It 's too late — I 've had the subpoena . If I hooked it , everybody would say I was an adventurer . We should be followed . Now ? Creep away in the dark ! No ! I 'll go through with the thing . Jane ! You 're taking an unfair advantage of me . You 're only a woman after all .... And I 'd thought so highly of you ! What time is it ? Where do you mean to drag me to ? There 's a train from Victoria at 8. 30 . And the cab ? Why not ? I wanted to look at the weather . I say , here 's a curate pushed himself in at the front door ! But I tell you he 's here ! I suppose this is the very newest journalism . Would you mind me asking a question ? Why did you wait till the door was opened ? Seems a pity to stand on ceremony . Why not have broken a window or so and climbed right in ? Go on . Go on .... To think that I was once shy ! As you say — really ! And so these are my two sons ! They show little emotion in beholding the author of their being for the first time . As for me , I hardly recognise them . I see . If it is n't indiscreet , am I a grandfather ? I only wanted to know the worst . Silly joke about the fertility of curates — you 've met with it , no doubt ! Undoubtedly . Good-morning . Good-morning . Incomparable woman ! What ? You 're beginning to come round at last ? And yet she identified me . She was positive . Then you really think she could be mistaken on such a point ? I do n't know . It was to save worry to begin with , and then it went on by itself and somehow I could n't stop it .... I do n't know ! It 's from Lord Leonard Alcar . He says if we 'll go up and see him to-morrow afternoon he 'll be very much obliged indeed , and he may be able to be of assistance to us . Oh , I sha n't go ! Well , what about this trip to the Continent ? Now listen , Jane . What earthly good can it do ? I sha n't go . How d'you do ? Oh , very well ! Very well ! How English ! England all over ! True ! What she is ! I see you 've bought my latest portrait of my wife . I suppose it would be abusing your hospitality to inquire how much you paid our excellent dealer for it ? Really ! Sheer carelessness , my lord . I beg your pardon . No , not profoundly . Why should it ? Excuse me . I claim nothing except to be let alone . Certainly I do not ask to be accepted as Ilam Carve . I was leading a placid and agreeable existence in a place called Putney , an ideal existence with a pearl among women , when my tranquillity was disturbed and my life transformed into a perfect nightmare by a quarrel between a retail trades-manand a wholesale ink-dealerabout one of my pictures . It does not concern me . My role is and will be passive . If I am forced into the witness-box I shall answer questions to the worst of my ability , and I shall do no more . I am not cross . I am not sulking ; but I consider that I have a grievance . If I am here , it is solely because my wife does what she likes with me . It depends . I assert nothing . Yes , but I do n't want to be . Well , he always did everything for me — a most useful man .... But I did n't ‘ allow ’ him to be buried in my name . On the contrary , I told various people that I was not dead — but strange to say , nobody would believe me . My handsome , fascinating cousin here would n't even let me begin to tell him . Even my wife would n't believe me , so I gave it up . Cousin , if you continue in that strain I shall have to take you out on to the doormat and assault you . My dear fellow , why not have told us this exciting news earlier ? Well ? True . And he 's seen you with yours off . Oh ! No . Not precisely . Of course . I wo n't touch a penny of their wretched money . I 'm hanged if I do ! I 'm dashed if I take my collar off . Why should I offer my skin to the inspection of two individuals in whom I have n't the slightest interest ? They 've quarrelled about me , but is that a reason why I should undress myself ? Let me say again , I 've no desire whatever to prove that I am Ilam Carve . I do n't look at it like that . Already my fellow-citizens , expressing their conviction that I was a great artist , have buried me in Westminster Abbey — not because I was a great artist , but because I left a couple of hundred thousand pounds for a public object . And now my fellow-citizens , here assembled , want me to convince them that I am a great artist by taking my collar off . I wo n't do it . I simply will not do it . It 's too English . If any person wishes to be convinced that I 'm an artist and not a mountebank , let him look at my work, because that 's all the proof that I mean to offer . If he is blind or shortsighted I regret it , but my neck is n't going to help him . Or Timbuctoo . And who 's going to stop me ? All the laws of this country added together can n't make me take my collar off if I do n't want to . Well , that will only be another proof that the name of this island is England . It will be telegraphed to the Continent that in order to prove to herself that she possessed a great artist , England had to arrest him for bigamy and shove him into prison .... Characteristic ! Characteristic ! I 've got past shyness . I think it was the visit of my fine stalwart sons yesterday that cured me of shyness . I doubt if I shall ever be shy any more . No . That does n't concern you . The artist is always beaten ! There 's only one question . Last time they buried me in the Abbey ,— what will they do with me next time ? CURTAIN . WORKS BY ARNOLD BENNETT NOVELS A MAN FROM THE NORTH ANNA OF THE FIVE TOWNS LEONORA A GREAT MAN SACRED AND PROFANE LOVE WHOM GOD HATH JOINED BURIED ALIVE THE OLD WIVES ’ TALE THE GLIMPSE HELEN WITH THE HIGH HAND CLAYHANGER THE CARD HILDA LESSWAYS FANTASIAS THE GRAND BABYLON HOTEL THE GATES OF WRATH TERESA OF WATLING STREET THE LOOT OF CITIES HUGO THE GHOST THE CITY OF PLEASURE SHORT STORIES TALES OF THE FIVE TOWNS THE GRIM SMILE OF THE FIVE TOWNS THE MATADOR OF THE FIVE TOWNS BELLES-LETTRES JOURNALISM FOR WOMEN FAME AND FICTION HOW TO BECOME AN AUTHOR THE TRUTH ABOUT AN AUTHOR THE REASONABLE LIFE HOW TO LIVE ON TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY THE HUMAN MACHINE LITERARY TASTE THE FEAST OF ST . FRIEND THOSE UNITED STATES DRAMA POLITE FARCES CUPID AND COMMON SENSE WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS THE HONEYMOON MILESTONESTHE SINEWS OF WAR : A ROMANCE THE STATUE : A ROMANCE