Hello ! I 've got home all ri ——Who says I sh 'd never ‘ ve opened th ’ door without ‘ sistance .Serve her joll ’ well right — everything droppin ’ out . Th ’ cat . I ‘ ve scored her off — I ‘ ve got her bag .Serves her joly ’ well right .Never gave tha ’ fellow anything !Beastly shilling !Base ingratitude ! Absolutely nothing .Mus ’ tell him I 've got absolutely nothing . Sh ! sh ! sh ! Do n't you make a noise , whatever you do . Shu ’ the door , an ’ have a drink .You helped me to open the door — I ‘ ve got nothin , for you . This is my house . My father 's name 's Barthwick ; he 's Member of Parliament — Liberal Member of Parliament : I 've told you that before . Have a drink !I 'm not drunkTha 's all right . Wha 's your name ? My name 's Barthwick , so 's my father 's ; I 'm a Liberal too — wha 're you ? Jones ?There 's ‘ nother Jones at College with me . I 'm not a Socialist myself ; I 'm a Liberal — there 's ve — lill difference , because of the principles of the Lib — Liberal Party . We 're all equal before the law — tha 's rot , tha 's silly .Wha ’ was I about to say ? Give me some whisky .Wha ’ I was goin ’ tell you was — I ‘ ve had a row with her .Have a drink , Jonessh ‘ d never have got in without you — tha ‘ s why I ‘ m giving you a drink . Don ’ care who knows I 've scored her off . Th ’ cat !Don ’ you make a noise , whatever you do . You pour out a drink — you make yourself good long , long drink — you take cigarette — you take anything you like . Sh 'd never have got in without you .You 're a Tory — you 're a Tory Socialist . I 'm Liberal myself — have a drink — I ‘ m an excel'nt chap . I ‘ ve scored you off ! You cat ! Who 's there ? What is it ? Where is it — what — what time is it ? For nine ! Why — what !Look here , you , Mrs .—— Mrs. Jones — do n't you say you caught me asleep here . It 's quite an accident ; I do n't know how it happened . I must have forgotten to go to bed . It 's a queer thing . I ‘ ve got a most beastly headache . Mind you do n't say anything , Mrs. Jones . Sorry I ‘ m late .Tea , please , mother . Any letters for me ?But look here , I say , this has been opened ! I do wish you would  n't —— Well , I can n't help having your name , father !Brutes ! Have n't you ragged me enough , dad ? I expect you always had lots of money . If you 've got plenty of money , of course —— How much had you , dad ? I do n't know about the gravity . Of course , I ‘ m very sorry if you think it was wrong . Have  n't I said so ! I should never have done it at all if I had  n't been so jolly hard up . I do n't know — not much . I have  n't got any . I know I ‘ ve got the most beastly headache . Too jolly bad ! Reticule .I do n't know anything about it . Deny ? No , of course .Why did you give me away like this ? What on earth did you come here for ? I do n't remember anything about it .Why on earth could  n't you have written ? I do n't remember anything about it , really . I do n't remember anything about last night at all .It 's all — cloudy , and I ‘ ve got such a beastly headache . Well , then , it must be here . I remember now — I remember something . Why did I take the beastly thing ? I 'm awfully sorry . If there 's anything I can do —— I 'll go and have a look , but I really do n't think I ‘ ve got it . Is that the thing ? I ‘ ve looked all over — I can n't find the purse anywhere . Are you sure it was there ? I really am awfully sorry — my head 's so jolly bad . I ‘ ve asked the butler , but he has  n't seen it . Oh ! Of course — that 'll be all right ; I 'll see that that 's all right . How much ? That 'll be all right ; I 'll — send you a cheque . I 'm awfully sorry ; I really have  n't a penny in my pocket . But I can n't give you what I have  n't got . Do n't I tell you I have  n't a beastly cent . What awful luck ! All right , I wo n't then , and see how you like it . You would  n't have helped me this time , I know , if you had  n't been scared the thing would get into the papers . Where are the cigarettes ? I say , Marlow , where are the cigarettes ? Did you look in my room ? Stolen it ! Tst ! Crackers , please , Dad . Crackers , please , Dad . Crackers , please , Dad . Marlow 's a most decent chap . It 's simply beastly every one knowing your affairs . Crackers , please , Dad . Is this the ‘ 63 , Dad ? Port , please , Dad . Pass the-port , please , Mother ! Punch the beggar 's head . Well , of course , I — of course , I do n't know anything about it . No ! I say , what shall I have to swear to ? Dad ! Look here , Mother — I had supper . Everybody does . I mean to say — you know what I mean — it 's absurd to call it being drunk . At Oxford everybody gets a bit “ on ” sometimes —— Well , why did you send me there ? One must do as other fellows do . It 's such nonsense , I mean , to call it being drunk . Of course I ‘ m awfully sorry . I ‘ ve had such a beastly headache all day . I just get a — and then — it ‘ s gone —— Look here , Mother ! Of course I remember I came — I must have come —— Look here , do n't excite Dad — I can simply say I was too beastly tired , and do n't remember anything except that I came in andwent to bed the same as usual . I did  n't , I slept on the —— Oh ! nothing . It 's only my purse . Well , it was somebody else 's — it was all a joke — I did  n't want the beastly thing . Oh , do n't Mother ! It was pure sport . I do n't know how I got the thing . Of course I ‘ d had a bit of a row — I did  n't know what I was doing — I was — I Was — well , you know — I suppose I must have pulled the bag out of her hand . Oh ! I do n't know — her bag — it belonged to —a woman . You would have it . I did  n't want to tell you . It 's not my fault . Yes , I did . On the sofa , there —— that is — I —— No . Because I woke up there in the morning . And Mrs. Jones saw me . I wish you would  n't bait me so . By Jove , I do seem to remember a fellow with — a fellow with I say , d ’ you want me ——? I do — I distinctly remember his —— Well , what the devil —— Well , Mother , I — I do n't know what you do want . But I want to know what I ‘ m to do .I wo n't be badgered like this . Must I go down to the Court to-morrow ? Thanks , awfully ! So long as I do n't have to go .I think if you 'll excuse me — I 've had a most beastly day . Good-night , Mother . I say , Dad —— I say , that 's exactly what —— John BARTHWICK , Junior . At 6 , Rockingham Gate . Yes . I ‘ ve seen Mrs. Jones . Ido n't know the man . Yes . Yes . Yes , it is . The fact of the matter is , sir , that I ‘ d been out to the theatre that night , and had supper afterwards , and I came in late . No , Sir .I do n't think I do . No , sir — I do n't think so , sir — I do n't know . No . The fact of the matter is , sir , I 'm afraid I 'd had too much champagne that night . I seem to remember —— No , I do n't . I do n't remember anything of the sort . Dad ! that 's what you said to me !