Vainlove , and abroad so early ! Good-morrow ; I thought a contemplative lover could no more have parted with his bed in a morning than he could have slept i n't . Business ! And so must time , my friend , be close pursued , or lost . Business is the rub of life , perverts our aim , casts off the bias , and leaves us wide and short of the intended mark . Ay ; what else has meaning ? More than they believe — or understand . Ay , ay ! Wisdom 's nothing but a pretending to know and believe more than we really do . You read of but one wise man , and all that he knew was , that he knew nothing . Come , come , leave business to idlers and wisdom to fools ; they have need of ‘ em . Wit be my faculty , and pleasure my occupation ; and let Father Time shake his glass . Let low and earthly souls grovel till they have worked themselves six foot deep into a grave . Business is not my element — I roll in a higher orb , and dwell — I , marry , sir , I have a hawk 's eye at a woman 's hand . There 's more elegancy in the false spelling of this superscriptionthan in all Cicero . Let me see .— How now !— Dear perfidious Vainlove . Nay , let 's see the name — Sylvia !— how canst thou be ungrateful to that creature ? She 's extremely pretty , and loves thee entirely — I have heard her breathe such raptures about thee — No , faith , Frank , you wrong her ; she has been just to you . Never — her affections . ‘ Tis true , by heaven : she owned it to my face ; and , blushing like the virgin morn when it disclosed the cheat which that trusty bawd of nature , night , had hid , confessed her soul was true to you ; though I by treachery had stolen the bliss . Why , faith , I think it will do well enough , if the husband be out of the way , for the wife to show her fondness and impatience of his absence by choosing a lover as like him as she can ; and what is unlike , she may help out with her own fancy . As you say , the abuse is to the lover , not the husband . For ‘ tis an argument of her great zeal towards him , that she will enjoy him in effigy . What ! The old banker with the handsome wife ? Let me see — Laetitia ! Oh , ‘ tis a delicious morsel . Dear Frank , thou art the truest friend in the world . Hum , Hum — Out of town this evening , and talks of sending for Mr. Spintext to keep me company ; but I 'll take care he shall not be at home . Good ! Spintext ! Oh , the fanatic one-eyed parson ! Hum , Hum — That your conversation will be much more agreeable , if you can counterfeit his habit to blind the servants . Very good ! Then I must be disguised ?— With all my heart !— It adds a gusto to an amour ; gives it the greater resemblance of theft ; and , among us lewd mortals , the deeper the sin the sweeter . Frank , I 'm amazed at thy good nature — I wish I may succeed as the same . Prithee , what sort of fellow is Fondlewife ? A very even temper , and fit for my purpose . I must get your man Setter to provide my disguise . You 're going to visit in return of Sylvia 's letter . Poor rogue ! Any hour of the day or night will serve her . But do you know nothing of a new rival there ? Yet rails on still , and thinks his love unknown to us . A little time will swell him so , he must be forced to give it birth ; and the discovery must needs be very pleasant from himself , to see what pains he will take , and how he will strain to be delivered of a secret , when he has miscarried of it already . With all my heart . It lies convenient for us to pay our afternoon services to our mistresses . I find I am damnably in love , I 'm so uneasy for not having seen Belinda yesterday . Why , what a cormorant in love am I ! Who , not contented with the slavery of honourable love in one place , and the pleasure of enjoying some half a score mistresses of my own acquiring , must yet take Vainlove 's business upon my hands , because it lay too heavy upon his ; so am not only forced to lie with other men 's wives for ‘ em , but must also undertake the harder task of obliging their mistresses . I must take up , or I shall never hold out . Flesh and blood cannot bear it always . Sharper , I 'm glad to see thee . No , faith , not for that . But there 's a business of consequence fallen out to-day that requires some consideration . Why , you must know , ‘ tis a piece of work toward the finishing of an alderman . It seems I must put the last hand to it , and dub him cuckold , that he may be of equal dignity with the rest of his brethren : so I must beg Belinda 's pardon . But she can n't have too much money . There 's twelve thousand pound , Tom . ‘ Tis true she is excessively foppish and affected ; but in my conscience I believe the baggage loves me : for she never speaks well of me herself , nor suffers anybody else to rail at me . Then , as I told you , there 's twelve thousand pound . Hum ! Why , faith , upon second thoughts , she does not appear to be so very affected neither .— Give her her due , I think the woman 's a woman , and that 's all . As such , I 'm sure I shall like her ; for the devil take me if I do n't love all the sex . Who ? Heartwell ? Ay , but he knows better things . How now , George , where hast thou been snarling odious truths , and entertaining company , like a physician , with discourse of their diseases and infirmities ? What fine lady hast thou been putting out of conceit with herself , and persuading that the face she had been making all the morning was none of her own ? For I know thou art as unmannerly and as unwelcome to a woman as a looking-glass after the smallpox . Would thou hadst come a little sooner . Vainlove would have wrought thy conversion , and been a champion for the cause . Truth o n't is she fits his temper best , is a kind of floating island ; sometimes seems in reach , then vanishes and keeps him busied in the search . Faith I do n't know , he 's of a temper the most easy to himself in the world ; he takes as much always of an amour as he cares for , and quits it when it grows stale or unpleasant . He 's of another opinion , and says I do the drudgery in the mine . Well , we have each our share of sport , and each that which he likes best ; ‘ tis his diversion to set , ‘ tis mine to cover the partridge . Time enough , ay , too soon , I should rather have expected , from a person of your gravity . Thou art an old fornicator of a singular good principle indeed , and art for encouraging youth , that they may be as wicked as thou art at thy years . That only happens sometimes , where the dog has the sweeter breath , for the more cleanly conveyance . But , George , you must not quarrel with little gallantries of this nature : women are often won by ‘ em . Who would refuse to kiss a lap-dog , if it were preliminary to the lips of his lady ? What is it to read a play in a rainy day ? Though you should be now and then interrupted in a witty scene , and she perhaps preserve her laughter , till the jest were over ; even that may be borne with , considering the reward in prospect . O brute , the drudgery of loving ! Prithee , how dost thou love ? Well come off , George , if at any time you should be taken straying . How , George ! Does the wind blow there ? Who the devil would have thee ? unless ‘ twere an oysterwoman to propagate young fry for Billingsgate — thy talent will never recommend thee to anything of better quality . What , not to make your family , man and provide for your children ? Well , but , George , I have one question to ask you — Nay , prithee , George — What does he mean ? Oh , ‘ tis Sir Joseph Wittoll with his friend ; but I see he has turned the corner and goes another way . Why , a fool . And a very beggarly lining — yet he may be worth your acquaintance ; a little of thy chymistry , Tom , may extract gold from that dirt . Hang him , no , he a dragon ! If he be , ‘ tis a very peaceful one . I can ensure his anger dormant ; or should he seem to rouse , ‘ tis but well lashing him , and he will sleep like a top . Yet is adored by that bigot , Sir Joseph Wittoll , as the image of valour . He calls him his back , and indeed they are never asunder — yet , last night , I know not by what mischance , the knight was alone , and had fallen into the hands of some night-walkers , who , I suppose , would have pillaged him . But I chanced to come by and rescued him , though I believe he was heartily frightened ; for as soon as ever he was loose , he ran away without staying to see who had helped him . No ; but is a pretender , and wears the habit of a soldier , which nowadays as often cloaks cowardice , as a black gown does atheism . You must know he has been abroad — went purely to run away from a campaign ; enriched himself with the plunder of a few oaths , and here vents them against the general , who , slighting men of merit , and preferring only those of interest , has made him quit the service . Speaks miracles , is the drum to his own praise — the only implement of a soldier he resembles , like that , being full of blustering noise and emptiness — Right ; but then the comparison breaks , for he will take a drubbing with as little noise as a pulpit cushion . Why , that , to pass it current too , he has gilded with a title : he is called Capt . Bluffe . So , fortune be praised ! To find you both within , ladies , is — Not o ’ your side , madam , I confess . But my tyrant there and I , are two buckets that can never come together . How never like ! marry , Hymen forbid . But this it is to run so extravagantly in debt ; I have laid out such a world of love in your service , that you think you can never be able to pay me all . So shun me for the same reason that you would a dun . Until he has created love where there was none , and then gets it for his pains . For importunity in love , like importunity at Court , first creates its own interest and then pursues it for the favour . Why , you wo n't hear me with patience . Nothing , madam , only — Yet all can n't melt that cruel frozen heart . But tell me how you would be adored . I am very tractable . Humph , I thought so , that you might have all the talk to yourself . You had better let me speak ; for if my thoughts fly to any pitch , I shall make villainous signs . Ay , but if I 'm tongue-tied , I must have all my actions free to — quicken your apprehension — and I — gad let me tell you , my most prevailing argument is expressed in dumb show . SCENE IX . Oh , very well performed ; but I do n't much admire the words . Faith , madam , I dare not speak to her , but I 'll make signs . Well , I find my apishness has paid the ransom for my speech , and set it at liberty — though , I confess , I could be well enough pleased to drive on a love-bargain in that silent manner — ‘ twould save a man a world of lying and swearing at the year 's end . Besides , I have had a little experience , that brings to mind — When wit and reason both have failed to move ; Kind looks and actionsdo prove , Ev'n silence may be eloquent in love . Hist , hist , is not that Heartwell going to Silvia ? Now Venus forbid ! A very certain remedy , probatum est . Ha , ha , ha , poor George , thou art i ’ th ’ right , thou hast sold thyself to laughter ; the ill-natured town will find the jest just where thou hast lost it . Ha , ha , how a ’ struggled , like an old lawyer between two fees . Or as you did to-day , when half afraid you snatched a kiss from Araminta . Pauh , women are only angry at such offences to have the pleasure of forgiving them . Thou dost not know what thou wouldst be at ; whether thou wouldst have her angry or pleased . Couldst thou be content to marry Araminta ? Hum , not immediately , in my conscience not heartily . I 'd do a little more good in my generation first , in order to deserve it . But how the devil dost thou expect to get her if she never yield ? Marry her without her consent ; thou ‘ rt a riddle beyond woman — A good hearing , Setter . And hast thou provided necessaries ? Well , in this fanatic father 's habit will I confess Laetitia . Be at your master 's lodging in the evening ; I shall use the robes . Thou ‘ rt a lucky rogue ; there 's your benefactor ; you ought to return him thanks now you have received the favour . I doubt the knight repents , Tom . He looks like the knight of the sorrowful face . Ha , ha , ha , prithee come away ; ‘ tis scandalous to kick this puppy unless a man were cold and had no other way to get himself aheat . SCENE IX . SIR JOSEPH , BLUFFE . ‘ Tis pretty near the hour .Well , and how , Setter , hae , does my hypocrisy fit me , hae ? Does it sit easy on me ? I wonder why all our young fellows should glory in an opinion of atheism , when they may be so much more conveniently lewd under the coverlet of religion . Gad 's so , there he is : he must not see me . Secure in my disguise I have out-faced suspicion and even dared discovery . This cloak my sanctity , and trusty Scarron 's novels my prayer - book ; methinks I am the very picture of Montufar in the Hypocrites . Oh ! she comes . SCENE VII . BELLMOUR , LAETITIA . So breaks Aurora through the veil of night , Thus fly the clouds , divided by her light , And every eye receives a new-born sight . Your lover . You are surprised . Did you not expect a lover , madam ? Those eyes shone kindly on my first appearance , though now they are o'ercast . Rather the hypocrisy was welcome , but not the hypocrite . I have directions in my pocket which agree with everything but your unkindness . If we part so I 'm mistaken . Hold , hold , madam ! I confess I have run into an error . I beg your pardon a thousand times . What an eternal blockhead am I ! Can you forgive me the disorder I have put you into ? But it is a mistake which anybody might have made . Nay , faith , madam , ‘ tis a pleasant one , and worth your hearing . Expecting a friend last night , at his lodgings , till ‘ twas late , my intimacy with him gave me the freedom of his bed . He not coming home all night , a letter was delivered to me by a servant in the morning . Upon the perusal I found the contents so charming that I could think of nothing all day but putting ‘ em in practice , until just now , the first time I ever looked upon the superscription , I am the most surprised in the world to find it directed to Mr. Vainlove . Gad , madam , I ask you a million of pardons , and will make you any satisfaction . You appear concerned , madam . And more love , or my face is a false witness and deserves to be pilloried . No , by heaven , I swear — Well , I promise . A promise is so cold : give me leave to swear , by those eyes , those killing eyes , by those healing lips . Oh ! press the soft charm close to mine , and seal ‘ em up for ever . Eternity was in that moment . One more , upon any condition ! Doing ! No tongue can express it — not thy own , nor anything , but thy lips . I am faint with the excess of bliss . Oh , for love-sake , lead me anywhither , where I may lie down — quickly , for I 'm afraid I shall have a fit . Oh , a convulsion — I feel the symptoms . Oh , no : let me lie down upon the bed ; the fit will be soon over . Here 's nobody , nor no noise — ‘ twas nothing but your fears . ‘ Tis an alarm to love — come in again , and let us — Pox choke him , would his horns were in his throat . My patch , my patch . Damned chance ! If I had gone a-whoring with the Practice of Piety in my pocket I had never been discovered . Soh ! Well , now , I know my cue .— That is , very honourably to excuse her , and very impudently accuse myself . Since all artifice is vain . And I think myself obliged to speak the truth in justice to your wife .— No . By my troth , and so ‘ tis . I have been a little too backward ; that 's the truth o n't . A whore-master . To lie with your wife . Why , faith , I must confess , so I designed you ; but you were a little unlucky in coming so soon , and hindered the making of your own fortune . Well , since I see thou art a good , honest fellow , I 'll confess the whole matter to thee . In short , then , I was informed of the opportunity of your absence by my spyI knew Spintext was to come by your direction . But I laid a trap for him , and procured his habit , in which I passed upon your servants , and was conducted hither . I pretended a fit of the colic , to excuse my lying down upon your bed ; hoping that when she heard of it , her good nature would bring her to administer remedies for my distemper . You know what might have followed . But , like an uncivil person , you knocked at the door before your wife was come to me . That you may , faith , and I hope you wo n't believe a word o n't — but I can n't help telling the truth , for my life . No ; for then you must of consequence part with your wife , and there will be some hopes of having her upon the public ; then the encouragement of a separate maintenance — How can'st thou be so cruel , Isaac ? Thou hast the heart of a mountain-tiger . By the faith of a sincere sinner , she 's innocent for me . Go to him , madam , fling your snowy arms about his stubborn neck ; bathe his relentless face in your salt trickling tears .So , a few soft words , and a kiss , and the good man melts . See how kind nature works , and boils over in him . For my part , I am so charmed with the love of your turtle to you , that I 'll go and solicit matrimony with all my might and main . See the great blessing of an easy faith ; opinion cannot err . No husband , by his wife , can be deceived ; She still is virtuous , if she 's so believed . Setter ! Well encountered . No , I have brought nothing but ballast back — made a delicious voyage , Setter ; and might have rode at anchor in the port till this time , but the enemy surprised us — I would unrig . Ha ! Is it not that Heartwell at Sylvia 's door ? Be gone quickly , I 'll follow you — I would not be known . Pox take ‘ em , they stand just in my way . Humph , sits the wind there ? What a lucky rogue am I ! Oh , what sport will be here , if I can persuade this wench to secrecy ! Madam . Even I . What dost think ? True . But to convince thee who I am , thou knowest my old token . Well , your business with me , Lucy ? Which mistake you must go through with , Lucy . Come , I know the intrigue between Heartwell and your mistress ; and you mistook me for Tribulation Spintext , to marry ‘ em — Ha ? are not matters in this posture ? Confess : come , I 'll be faithful ; I will , i'faith . What ! diffide in me , Lucy ? Well , is it as I say ? Phuh , secret , ay . And to be out of thy debt , I 'll trust thee with another secret . Your mistress must not marry Heartwell , Lucy . Nay , do n't be in passion , Lucy :— I 'll provide a fitter husband for her . Come , here 's earnest of my good intentions for thee too ; let this mollify .Look you , Heartwell is my friend ; and though he be blind , I must not see him fall into the snare , and unwittingly marry a whore . Nay , nay : look you , Lucy ; there are whores of as good quality . But to the purpose , if you will give me leave to acquaint you with it . Do you carry on the mistake of me : I 'll marry ‘ em . Nay , do n't pause ; if you do , I 'll spoil all . I have some private reasons for what I do , which I 'll tell you within . In the meantime , I promise — and rely upon me — to help your mistress to a husband : nay , and thee too , Lucy . Here 's my hand , I will ; with a fresh assurance . That 's as much as to say , the pox take me . Well , lead on . Sharper ! Fortify thy spleen : such a jest ! Speak when thou art ready . Pshaw , no ; I have a better opinion of thy wit . Gad , I defy thee . Nay , then , I thank thee for not putting me out of countenance . But , to tell you something you do n't know . I got an opportunity after I had married ‘ em , of discovering the cheat to Sylvia . She took it at first , as another woman would the like disappointment ; but my promise to make her amends quickly with another husband somewhat pacified her . I have no such intentions at present . Prithee , wilt thou think a little for me ? I am sure the ingenious Mr. Setter will assist . I 'll leave him with you , and go shift my habit . Say you so ? Is that a maxim among ye ? I hope there 's no French sauce . That were a miserable wretch indeed , who could not afford one warm dish for the wife of his bosom . But you timorous virgins form a dreadful chimaera of a husband , as of a creature contrary to that soft , humble , pliant , easy thing , a lover ; so guess at plagues in matrimony , in opposition to the pleasures of courtship . Alas ! courtship to marriage , is but as the music in the play-house , until the curtain 's drawn ; but that once up , then opens the scene of pleasure . You have an opportunity now , madam , to revenge yourself upon Heartwell , for affronting your squirrel . But give yourselves the trouble to walk to that corner-house , and I 'll tell you by the way what may divert and surprise you . SCENE XII . Now George , what , rhyming ! I thought the chimes of verse were past , when once the doleful marriage-knell was rung . That they are fit for no company but their wives . Ha , ha , ha ! That 's home . Hold , hold . What the devil — thou wilt not draw upon a woman ? This is a little scurrilous though . I thank thee , George , for thy good intention ; but there is a fatality in marriage , for I find I 'm resolute . Wanton , as a young widow — Well ; ‘ midst of these dreadful denunciations , and notwithstanding the warning and example before me , I commit myself to lasting durance . Frank , will you keep us in countenance ? O ’ my conscience she dares not consent , for fear he should recant .Well , we shall have your company to church in the morning . May be it may get you an appetite to see us fall to before you . Setter , did not you tell me ?— Now set we forward on a journey for life . Come take your fellow - travellers . Old George , I 'm sorry to see thee still plod on alone .