So you 're getting married , Dill ? None whatever , Dill . But why tea at this hour ? It 's only just past lunch . For you , Dill , and for my father . I hope you wo n't take it too seriously when I say you 're the living picture of my father . My father does not adore you , Dill . He took you for his brother . DILLReally , sir ! Who do you say that I am , sir ? JACKI say you 're the butler , Dill . By no means . Nor he either . None of us , Jane . Dill said that he was getting married . And then Dill was telling me about a brother of his , and I was telling him about a brother of my father 's . I have never told you , Jane , but father really came here looking for a brother . Sort of a business journey on his part . That is — none of his business whatever . I tell him fathers should begin at home and stay there . But father feels differently . Have you got a husband , Jane ? I know that nothing short of marriage will ever stop him . No need to explain , Jane . They do n't exist . Our men were all killed in the Wars of the Wives . Father says it was they who started that horrible Rebellion in this country , and that it 's going on still . Father does n't believe in matrimony . That 's because you 're the first person I 've had the heart to broach the subject to .I do n't think I shall ever marry . It 's a fine opportunity for a young man . Ah ! but if father comes into the estate — Yes , you see when my grandfather died he left his entire fortune to his second son , at the same time disinheriting us . Said that when father became a minister he handled enough tainted money without hoarding any of his . No , just died and damned us . So he might . It does n't make much difference now though . By the terms of the will he had to be found , or to find himself , within one year , or the estate reverted to us .His time 's almost up I fear . That or strayed I guess .He was always the black sheep of the family . Well — his brother always had an antipathy for Americans . He married an American ! I did n't know anything was of importance to Kathryn , now that she 's in love with me . GLORIAKathryn in love with you ? Mr. Hargrave , you must be mistaken . No — she proposed to me yesterday . No , I wanted to surprise Kathryn by refusing , and then to startle her by proposing myself . This afternoon I have chosen for my surprise . Three o'clock I think would be the appropriate hour . Again ! May I ask who it is who has been so bold as to be proposed to ? The family ? Impossible ! How so ? Improbable . So I have . But he 's not a real father . Oh , mine 's adopted . Yes ; father found me ; on a Friday . I think I have . I think she 's in the next room . Was she alone , Dill ? DILLNo , sir ; no , sir . I think she 's with your father , sir .JACKFoolish father ! foolish father ! Really I cannot begin to account for such conduct on my parent 's part . The sense of family obligation in the old is appallingly on the wane . But perhaps he 's forgotten his glasses . Father 's been wearing glasses for twenty years and performs the most revolting capers whenever he 's without them . He becomes a boy all over again .Have you got a book on fathers , Jane ? Or perhaps I 'll see him from the window .GLORIAI think a book on daughters is what you really need , Jane .I need not say that Kathryn has never been a daughter to you . That 's not true , Gloria . There 's only one Convolvulus , and that 's Kathryn . I named her that yesterday . Besides , who ever heard of a Convolvulus Gloria or a Gloria Convolvulus ? It 's absurd . KATHRYNWell , here are some anyway . A flower for you , Jack . And mother , a flower for you , too . A Convolvulus for each of you . You are just in time , Kathryn . I have something of importance to tell you . I should n't read it at all . I think Gloria wrote it herself . I distinctly rebel against your proposing to my father . I was with father most of the morning and took especial pains that he should meet no one . Where did you find him ? Yes , father moves very much like a planet at times , does n't he ? But then I 'm not responsible for his defects . Oh , I do n't believe in education , Kathryn . What has education done for this country ? One-hundred-million Philistines ? It makes no difference what one says , Kathryn , so long as one says something . Please do n't call me Jack ! I 'd so much prefer a number . Yes , a number . I know Shakespeare was thinking of me when he said there was nothing in a name . But seriously , I do wish I had a number . I 'm far too futile for that . But I believe in numbers in place of names . It 's not nonsense . Numbers are necessary and convenient . Moreover , I for one am entirely in accord with the socialistic idea of the separation of parent and child .A School for Socialism is the one thing most needed today — some place a child may be put and not molested by its parents , adopted or otherwise . Each child should have a number , a perfectly reliable number , one that was all his own and inherited from no one . No , but then you must remember that father is a back number . No woman ever does . Lack of care is their distinction . Then you are no longer my Convolvulus ? Gloria said she was named after that flower , and I of course denied it . I said that you were my Convolvulus — my white Convolvulus . Well , of all that 's outrageous ! Tea ? At this hour ? It 's three-fifteen , and they 're deep in their dinners in London by now . Oh , I 'm not so sure that he 's poor , or lost either — at least not till tomorrow . Looking for him ? I should say not ! When people look for things they find them . When they look for children they are successful . And the same rule applies to brothers . Parents are harder to locate and it is their redeeming feature . But father has found his brother ! He found him this morning in the Park — found him with his own eyes , or rather his glasses . Father can see anywhere with his glasses , and nowhere with his eyes . If it were not for his glasses he 'd be like other people . And to think that of all days father should have chosen this one to forget his glasses . I am not his son , and he is not my father . I consider his presence an intrusion , a disgrace . You shall be unfrocked , sir , at the first opportunity . HARGRAVEHow dare you , sir ! How dare you speak so disrespectfully of your father ! I know , father , there 's great suffering among the rich in this hot weather . Do you think you 'd still care to marry him , Jane ? Ah , in that case you 'd hardly care to repeat the experiment .Goodbye , Kathryn . Come soon and find his glasses . No more than mine , Jane . It 's from the Alps .This way , father . You do n't drink tea anyway .KATHRYNDo you think , Dill , do you think that a man could ever be a success in life , I mean a real success like you have , who wore glasses ? If it were my own father , he could not have acted in a more gentlemanly manner . Your every movement marks you the gentleman . You have a gentleman 's happy faculty for doing the wrong thing at the right time . I have always feared that some day I should meet a gentleman , but never , never suspected you .Dill said his brother was a gentleman , but no one believes Dill , no one but myself . Yes , a menial , father , a form of man . It owes its origin to menus . HARGRAVEI have n't told you before , my boy , and an announcement of this kind should really proceed from the young lady in question , but I believe that I am engaged . Of course , you are , father . I 'm attending to that . Kathryn ? This is the last straw , father .You shall be unfrocked , sir .I 'll write a brief to the Archbishop to that effect .I had long seen the advisability of such action , and had you been my real father would have attended to it long ago .When would you be unfrocked , father ? In the morning ? I 'll respect any preference you see fit to name . Well , some morning ! Most any morning will do . Letters have to travel like other people . They would not be well read otherwise . HARGRAVEYou shall go to jail , sir .Or maybe there are many charitable organizations only too glad to take you off my hands . That remark was cowardly , Mr. Kent . You know very well that I am not rich enough to go to jail , and that both influence and position are required today for a jail career .For the past fortnight a jail has been my prime ambition . I have a genius for jails , and I need not tell you , Mr. Kent , that I need rest and affection . Please do n't call me Jack , father . It sounds so unartificial . And to think that I who have always perceived the immense superiority of a number , should have been endowed with a monosyllable like that . A number ! Is it true , father , or do my ears deceive me ? HARGRAVEI shall endeavor to spare your feelings as far as possible . A young man tasting too soon of the bitter fruits of life is apt to form a very wrong impression of this world of ours , and the inhabitants above it . Oh , people are above everything in this world , father , and in the next too , I guess . But have I got a number ? Oh , everyone 's as moral and immoral as he knows how to be , father . HARGRAVEJack ! Jack ! How often must I tell you not to call me that , sir . Even John were better . HARGRAVEIt was no desire of mine to dig up the past , to unearth that which belonged rightly to the dead . Your conduct , however , has made the telling inevitable . A telling speech , father . But tell me , have I got a number ? HARGRAVEYou have , sir ! You have ! Allow me to tell you , sir , that you once were , and I have no doubt still are , undutifully registered at Crapsey Hall , Canterbury , under the charge of an abominable brute by that name , as John — plain John , Disciple No . 1 , in an evil establishment known as a School for Socialism . JACKFather ! I forgive you ! Everything !Turn the other cheek , father . Oh , such luck , such luck ! I 'll return at once . My fortune and future are assured now .And to think that of all numbers , I should have been No . 1 . HARGRAVEYou are surely an odd number , Jack . Dear Crapsey ! I wonder how he came to give me that particular number , or if he knew that I thought of no one but myself ? Yes , yes , father . It 's a man 's malady , father . HARGRAVEJack ! I have a thought !Could it be possible ? You slight yourself , father . HARGRAVEHe is not marrying out of love . No ! My brother would never do that . He must be marrying out of his — Out of his senses , father . All men do that . HARGRAVEThe will ! the will ! Oh , he must know , he must ! The estate was left to him on condition that he was married , and that 's why he 's marrying now .The will ! Show me the will ! I knew you had n't lost them . The old rarely lose anything . They have nothing to lose . HARGRAVEThe will ! the will ! JACKYes , father .No , father . Yes .You agree to behave in my absence , father ? I am very popular these days , and if Jane or Kathryn should happen in — Only her mother . Her name 's the same as Kathryn 's , of course . I only ask you to leave the whole family alone hereafter . They did not even know you existed until this afternoon . You were a creation of my fancy and had form , color and expression . And now you have ruined it all . All , father , because you will not wear your glasses . Kathryn 's name is Kathryn Gibbs , her aunt 's name is Gloria Gibbs , and her mother 's name is Jane Gibbs . Jane 's a jewel , Gloria 's an idiot , and Kathryn 's mine . Have you learned all that you want now , or must I tell you more ? HARGRAVEJack , this is terrible . I had never expected that . Jane Gibbs ! The name 's no worse than Jack , father . Too bad Jane 's not a socialist , and could exchange for a number . Are not so antiquated as your own , sir ?But come , father , one should always give in to the inevitable , and I have chosen Jane as your most likely spouse . Ah , Jane ! So glad to see you ! I 've just been speaking to father about that matter we discussed and he 's quite interested already . Fact is , father 's always interested , though interesting he is not . I 've taken him to task about that blunder , though . Father 's a bull for blunders . In the morning I 've suggested that he be unfrocked . You 'll be there of course ? Great sight .Why do n't you say something , father ! Or should fathers be seen and not heard ? But perhaps you desire an introduction . Jane — my father . My father — Jane Gibbs .The family problem is the most important product of this age , and ranks even higher than the servant question . Of course , fathers were fashionable at one time , or I never should have had one . It 's a great fault , though , I admit . JANEMy faults are my fortune , Jack . Some people are even famous for them . Ravishing , Jane , ravishing ! But perhaps I should go . Heaven is filled with good intentions , father .Chesterton says that poets are a trouble to their families . But then Chesterton is always wrong . If the families of real poets are anything like mine , the trouble rests with them . My interview will prove a very short one .Before long , father , I shall expect you to have arranged everything . HARGRAVEYou said that her sister was an idiot , did you not ? I did , father . HARGRAVEIt may prove of importance . Father ! I cannot find it ! The will is lost !GLORIAWhat will , Mr. Hargrave ? You seem extremely nervous . Can there be any relation between your will and ours ? You have done this for my sake ? I 'm tired of all this moving around , Jane . I have n't sat down for five minutes . My dear , you could hardly expect them both to belong to the same class . That is never the way . One is always rich , the other poor . One is always good , the other bad . Ask one of them and see ! But if what I tell you is not convincing , consider the words of Shakespeare , England 's great minor poet , who in a fit of melancholy once exclaimed — “ Some are born with parents , others acquire them . But most of us just have the genus thrust upon us . ” I do n't doubt it . But you forget , Kathryn , that I never had a father , and that hereafter my responsibilities are numbered . What an extraordinary posture , Dill ! Are you aware of your menial , Miss Gibbs ?He must think it 's a circus . He 's trying to stand on his head . KATHRYNPerhaps he 's praying . Arise , sir , in the presence of your superiors !And why these bags and bundles , pray ? Is your man about to start a millinery establishment , Miss Gibbs ? GLORIAMr. Hargrave ! This gentleman is not my servant . This gentleman is soon to be my husband ! It 's the same thing . KATHRYNOh ! What would mother say ! I do n't think I can ever allow you to become a butler after all , Jack . JACKDill , are you a polygamist , or what ? Define yourself !I have yet to hear of a menial Mormon . You are always right , my dear , but see to it at once . Contracts have ceased to be binding , and what you want is a verbal understanding with your mother . GLORIAMy children , I forgive you ! As for Dill — that is settled . DILLMy money ! I warned you about that , Dill . I said a will was a very unsafe thing to have . Positively , my dear , I never dreamed of such a thing ! KATHRYNOf course , I never could have allowed you to . You might have upset us all , and I 'm not going to be drowned for love or any other nonsense . But , my dear , if I upset the ship , it would be your duty to get drowned . Any old captain will tell you that . They know absolutely nothing . It 's like any other walk of life . A man wears whiskers , or white hair , or something , and you fancy he 's learned . But he 's not , and never will be . Sea-captains dress as they do , and wear peculiar caps , not that they should look like sea-captains , but that young innocent persons like yourself should be deceived into thinking them philosophers , or good men , or bad men , or some kind of men at least . That explains the old and venerable expression of thinking through your cap . But it 's all wrong . They never think at all . That is purely a piscatorial problem . My father is doubtless a proper authority . I know he drinks like a fish , and he eats like a race horse . Very few , my dear . You do n't know what debts are . Debts are a man 's constant reminder that even when he 's very , very rich , one-half the money in his pocket , and all the money in his bank , belongs positively to somebody else . Surely you would not blame me for that which I never had ? I have no habits ; even the good ones are bad enough , and the bad ones are so hard to follow out . I never vote . And I am proud to say that I have never done even a single stroke of work . You do n't understand . Business today is done under very bad principles . The proper way , in truth , the only way that a young man of my temperament could be induced to begin work , would be to start right up at the top and go right down to the bottom . It takes so much less time and trouble than the old way of beginning at the bottom and stealing one 's way up to the top . Besides , one is just that much more likely to land somewhere . I 'm not old enough for a messenger boy , Kathryn . Messenger boys are never successful until they become at least fifty and have long white hair . Mine is a very firm yellow . I inherited it from my mother . There 's no such thing as an innocent flirtation , Gloria . Naturally I shall have a great deal of trouble convincing you of my love for your daughter . I had expected that . When a man arrives at my age of indiscretion , love is no longer to be thought of . What name , dear ? And I told you that I had a number too .Did I ever tell you , Gloria , that I had a number ? Such a lovely number ! Hereafter I must be known as John , plain John , Disciple No . 1 , in Crapsey 's School for Socialism . In Canterbury , England ! And I hold the unique distinction of being the only pupil that Crapsey ever had . I would be if I were n't adopted , Gloria . Gloria was asking of my mother , Jane . It is one of those impossible questions to answer , and possibly why she asked . Oh , I remember my mother . I was adopted almost before I was born and yet — Like no one else in the world , Jane . It 's hard to be sure of course , but I think she must have been just the one woman who never could grow fat . Oh , Jane — my mother ! Father ! Where is your hair ? Have you swallowed it ? How degrading drink is ! It 's dangerous too . There are more germs in water than in anything else except whiskey , as scientists will tell you . My dear , cousins could hardly afford to marry , and though I do n't believe a word that Gloria said —KATHRYNWell , that 's over .JACKSir ! I have already found my mother .And ever since I can remember I have been told I resembled you . GLORIAYou said that you recognized him at once , dear .JACKAre you my father ? Who is my father ? Your answers are satisfactory . In the future I do n't wish so distasteful a subject to be broached again . I did .HARGRAVEMay I then ask who your mother is , sir ? Ah , my mother is an angel . You are not sailing in those trunks , Gloria ? Would you like a sail across the pond , dear ? I know some capital fish stories , and can show you where they catch the most gigantic fish . Father caught a whale there or something of the sort . Well whatever it was we 're quite safe . Whenever they strike a leak or the ship gets too heavy they push all the women off into the little boats . You must never own up to thirty , Jane ; I shall feel so very old when you do so .Do n't you think we might get married after all , dear ? It is terrible to have so much money and not know what to do with it . I distinctly heard a noise .I am seldom mistaken , Dill , and as you are still the butler Belles always are , I believe . It sounds painfully reminiscent . You do not ring that way , Father ? This is my last broken ideal . And I so young ! What a pity . CRAPSEYAh , I forgot . Jane Gibbs , I believe . I 'd rather die than fight for anyone . CRAPSEYYes , for twenty years he has been mine . He has been a dutiful , affectionate son and a help to me in that institution which is destined some day to become known throughout the entire world . But come !There 's little time . I arrived yesterday on the Burgoyne and I sail tonight on the Baltic . The Baltic ? CRAPSEYThe Baltic ! But it does not concern you in the least . JACKI assure you , my dear , that all this has reference to me . CRAPSEYYour decision , pray ? I will not go . I will not go . It is easily decided , Jane . I refuse to go . CRAPSEYI did not ask you to go , sir ! Your conduct is an impertinence . JACKI will not live with a lunatic . Surely the law must side with me there . CRAPSEYWho is this offensive young person , may I ask , who insults me in this fashion ? JACKI am John , plain John , Disciple No . 1 , in Crapsey 's School for Socialism . And I hold the dubious distinction of being the only pupil you ever had .HARGRAVEIs he gone ?CRAPSEYI am not gone , sir . And who are you ? This is my adopted father , the Rev . Peter Kent , alias Hargrave . Fighting always was his forte , Crapsey , especially fighting for the right . If my life was as worthless as yours , father , I 'd be fighting all the time . CRAPSEYShall I run you through and through , sir ?This creature stole you from me years ago . But he is welcome to you — to all of you . I think it is a den of thieves . Thank you , Jane . I knew Gloria could never speak the truth . I said you 'd be unfrocked , father . HARGRAVEI am glad of it . For twenty years these clothes weighed upon my soul , ruined my digestion , dyed my hair , and made me the man I am . Your reformation is complete , Jane . I told you , father , that I was going to complete my education ; and perhaps some day I shall have the distinction of a number .