Did you hear what I was playing , Lane ? I 'm sorry for that , for your sake . I do n't play accurately — any one can play accurately — but I play with wonderful expression . As far as the piano is concerned , sentiment is my forte . I keep science for Life . And , speaking of the science of Life , have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell ? Oh ! . . . by the way , Lane , I see from your book that on Thursday night , when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me , eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed . Why is it that at a bachelor 's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne ? I ask merely for information . Good heavens ! Is marriage so demoralising as that ? I do n't know that I am much interested in your family life , Lane . Very natural , I am sure . That will do , Lane , thank you . Lane 's views on marriage seem somewhat lax . Really , if the lower orders do n't set us a good example , what on earth is the use of them ? They seem , as a class , to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility . How are you , my dear Ernest ? What brings you up to town ? I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock . Where have you been since last Thursday ? What on earth do you do there ? And who are the people you amuse ? Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire ? How immensely you must amuse them !By the way , Shropshire is your county , is it not ? Oh ! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen . Yes , that is all very well ; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta wo n't quite approve of your being here . My dear fellow , the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful . It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you . I thought you had come up for pleasure ? . . . I call that business . I really do n't see anything romantic in proposing . It is very romantic to be in love . But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal . Why , one may be accepted . One usually is , I believe . Then the excitement is all over . The very essence of romance is uncertainty . If ever I get married , I 'll certainly try to forget the fact . Oh ! there is no use speculating on that subject . Divorces are made in Heaven —Please do n't touch the cucumber sandwiches . They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta . That is quite a different matter . She is my aunt .Have some bread and butter . The bread and butter is for Gwendolen . Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter . Well , my dear fellow , you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all . You behave as if you were married to her already . You are not married to her already , and I do n't think you ever will be . Well , in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with . Girls do n't think it right . It is n't . It is a great truth . It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place . In the second place , I do n't give my consent . My dear fellow , Gwendolen is my first cousin . And before I allow you to marry her , you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily . Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking - room the last time he dined here . Well , I wish you would offer one . I happen to be more than usually hard up . I think that is rather mean of you , Ernest , I must say .However , it makes no matter , for , now that I look at the inscription inside , I find that the thing is n't yours after all . Oh ! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one should n't . More than half of modern culture depends on what one should n't read . Yes ; but this is n't your cigarette case . This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily , and you said you did n't know any one of that name . Your aunt ! But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells ?‘ From little Cecily with her fondest love . ’ Yes . But why does your aunt call you her uncle ? ‘ From little Cecily , with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack . ’ There is no objection , I admit , to an aunt being a small aunt , but why an aunt , no matter what her size may be , should call her own nephew her uncle , I can n't quite make out . Besides , your name is n't Jack at all ; it is Ernest . You have always told me it was Ernest . I have introduced you to every one as Ernest . You answer to the name of Ernest . You look as if your name was Ernest . You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life . It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name is n't Ernest . It 's on your cards . Here is one of them .‘ Mr. Ernest Worthing , B . 4 , The Albany . ’ I 'll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me , or to Gwendolen , or to any one else . Yes , but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily , who lives at Tunbridge Wells , calls you her dear uncle . Come , old boy , you had much better have the thing out at once . Well , that is exactly what dentists always do . Now , go on ! Tell me the whole thing . I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist ; and I am quite sure of it now . I 'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country . Here it is .Now produce your explanation , and pray make it improbable . Where is that place in the country , by the way ? I suspected that , my dear fellow ! I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions . Now , go on . Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country ? The truth is rarely pure and never simple . Modern life would be very tedious if it were either , and modern literature a complete impossibility ! Literary criticism is not your forte , my dear fellow . Do n't try it . You should leave that to people who have n't been at a University . They do it so well in the daily papers . What you really are is a Bunburyist . I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist . You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know . You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest , in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like . I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury , in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose . Bunbury is perfectly invaluable . If it was n't for Bunbury 's extraordinary bad health , for instance , I would n't be able to dine with you at Willis 's to - night , for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week . I know . You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations . It is very foolish of you . Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations . I have n't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind . To begin with , I dined there on Monday , and once a week is quite enough to dine with one 's own relations . In the second place , whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family , and sent down with either no woman at all , or two . In the third place , I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to , to-night . She will place me next Mary Farquhar , who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table . That is not very pleasant . Indeed , it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase . The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous . It looks so bad . It is simply washing one 's clean linen in public . Besides , now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying . I want to tell you the rules . Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury , and if you ever get married , which seems to me extremely problematic , you will be very glad to know Bunbury . A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it . Then your wife will . You do n't seem to realise , that in married life three is company and two is none . Yes ; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time . My dear fellow , it is n't easy to be anything nowadays . There 's such a lot of beastly competition about .Ah ! that must be Aunt Augusta . Only relatives , or creditors , ever ring in that Wagnerian manner . Now , if I get her out of the way for ten minutes , so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen , may I dine with you to-night at Willis 's ? Yes , but you must be serious about it . I hate people who are not serious about meals . It is so shallow of them . I 'm feeling very well , Aunt Augusta . Dear me , you are smart ! Certainly , Aunt Augusta . Good heavens ! Lane ! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches ? I ordered them specially . No cucumbers ! That will do , Lane , thank you . I am greatly distressed , Aunt Augusta , about there being no cucumbers , not even for ready money . I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief . I am afraid , Aunt Augusta , I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all . It is a great bore , and , I need hardly say , a terrible disappointment to me , but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again .They seem to think I should be with him . Yes ; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid . I 'll speak to Bunbury , Aunt Augusta , if he is still conscious , and I think I can promise you he 'll be all right by Saturday . Of course the music is a great difficulty . You see , if one plays good music , people do n't listen , and if one plays bad music people do n't talk . But I 'll run over the programme I 've drawn out , if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment . Did n't it go off all right , old boy ? You do n't mean to say Gwendolen refused you ? I know it is a way she has . She is always refusing people . I think it is most ill-natured of her . My dear boy , I love hearing my relations abused . It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all . Relations are simply a tedious pack of people , who have n't got the remotest knowledge of how to live , nor the smallest instinct about when to die . It is n't ! That is exactly what things were originally made for . All women become like their mothers . That is their tragedy . No man does . That 's his . It is perfectly phrased ! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be . We have . The fools ? Oh ! about the clever people , of course . By the way , did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town , and Jack in the country ? The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her , if she is pretty , and to some one else , if she is plain . What about your brother ? What about the profligate Ernest ? Yes , but it 's hereditary , my dear fellow . It 's a sort of thing that runs in families . You had much better say a severe chill . Of course it is n't ! But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest ? Wo n't she feel his loss a good deal ? I would rather like to see Cecily . Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen ? Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first . Now , my dear boy , if we want to get a good table at Willis 's , we really must go and dress . Do you know it is nearly seven ? Well , I 'm hungry . What shall we do after dinner ? Go to a theatre ? Well , let us go to the Club ? Well , we might trot round to the Empire at ten ? Well , what shall we do ? It is awfully hard work doing nothing . However , I do n't mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind . Gwendolen , upon my word ! Really , Gwendolen , I do n't think I can allow this at all . Thanks , I 've turned round already . A glass of sherry , Lane . To-morrow , Lane , I 'm going Bunburying . I shall probably not be back till Monday . You can put up my dress clothes , my smoking jacket , and all the Bunbury suits . . . I hope to-morrow will be a fine day , Lane . Lane , you 're a perfect pessimist . Oh , I 'm a little anxious about poor Bunbury , that is all . I love scrapes . They are the only things that are never serious . Nobody ever does .ACT DROP You are my little cousin Cecily , I 'm sure . Oh ! I am not really wicked at all , cousin Cecily . You must n't think that I am wicked . Oh ! Of course I have been rather reckless . In fact , now you mention the subject , I have been very bad in my own small way . It is much pleasanter being here with you . That is a great disappointment . I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning . I have a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss ? No : the appointment is in London . About my what ? I certainly would n't let Jack buy my outfit . He has no taste in neckties at all . Australia ! I 'd sooner die . Oh , well ! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world , are not particularly encouraging . This world is good enough for me , cousin Cecily . I 'm afraid I 'm not that . That is why I want you to reform me . You might make that your mission , if you do n't mind , cousin Cecily . Well , would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon ? I will . I feel better already . That is because I am hungry . Thank you . Might I have a buttonhole first ? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first . No , I 'd sooner have a pink rose . Because you are like a pink rose , Cousin Cecily . Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady .You are the prettiest girl I ever saw . They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in . Brother John , I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you , and that I intend to lead a better life in the future . Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side . But I must say that I think that Brother John 's coldness to me is peculiarly painful . I expected a more enthusiastic welcome , especially considering it is the first time I have come here . I am afraid I can n't stay more than a week this time . What a fearful liar you are , Jack . I have not been called back to town at all . I have n't heard any one call me . My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree . Well , Cecily is a darling . Well , I do n't like your clothes . You look perfectly ridiculous in them . Why on earth do n't you go up and change ? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest . I call it grotesque . I certainly wo n't leave you so long as you are in mourning . It would be most unfriendly . If I were in mourning you would stay with me , I suppose . I should think it very unkind if you did n't . Yes , if you are not too long . I never saw anybody take so long to dress , and with such little result . If I am occasionally a little over-dressed , I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated . I think it has been a great success . I 'm in love with Cecily , and that is everything . He 's gone to order the dog-cart for me . He 's going to send me away . I am afraid so . It 's a very painful parting . Thank you . I hope , Cecily , I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection . Do you really keep a diary ? I 'd give anything to look at it . May I ? Ahem ! Ahem ! Cecily , ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty , I have dared to love you wildly , passionately , devotedly , hopelessly . Cecily ! Tell it to come round next week , at the same hour . Oh , I do n't care about Jack . I do n't care for anybody in the whole world but you . I love you , Cecily . You will marry me , wo n't you ? For the last three months ? But how did we become engaged ? Darling ! And when was the engagement actually settled ? Did I give you this ? It 's very pretty , is n't it ? My letters ! But , my own sweet Cecily , I have never written you any letters . Oh , do let me read them , Cecily ? But was our engagement ever broken off ? But why on earth did you break it off ? What had I done ? I had done nothing at all . Cecily , I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off . Particularly when the weather was so charming . What a perfect angel you are , Cecily . Yes , darling , with a little help from others . You 'll never break off our engagement again , Cecily ? Yes , of course . But , my dear child , do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name ? Oh , any name you like — Algernon — for instance . . . Well , my own dear , sweet , loving little darling , I really can n't see why you should object to the name of Algernon . It is not at all a bad name . In fact , it is rather an aristocratic name . Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon . But seriously , Cecily . . .if my name was Algy , could n't you love me ? Ahem ! Cecily !Your Rector here is , I suppose , thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church ? I must see him at once on a most important christening — I mean on most important business . I sha n't be away more than half an hour . I 'll be back in no time . My own love ! To what young lady ? Good heavens ! Gwendolen ! Of course not ! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head ? I cannot deny it . Yes , and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is . The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life . That is absurd . One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses . Every serious Bunburyist knows that . Well , one must be serious about something , if one wants to have any amusement in life . I happen to be serious about Bunburying . What on earth you are serious about I have n't got the remotest idea . About everything , I should fancy . You have such an absolutely trivial nature . Your brother is a little off colour , is n't he , dear Jack ? You wo n't be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was . And not a bad thing either . I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant , clever , thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax . To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin . Well , I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily . I adore her . I do n't think there is much likelihood , Jack , of you and Miss Fairfax being united . If it was my business , I would n't talk about it .It is very vulgar to talk about one 's business . Only people like stock-brokers do that , and then merely at dinner parties . Well , I can n't eat muffins in an agitated manner . The butter would probably get on my cuffs . One should always eat muffins quite calmly . It is the only way to eat them . When I am in trouble , eating is the only thing that consoles me . Indeed , when I am in really great trouble , as any one who knows me intimately will tell you , I refuse everything except food and drink . At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy . Besides , I am particularly fond of muffins . I wish you would have tea-cake instead . I do n't like tea-cake . But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins . That may be . But the muffins are the same . You can n't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner . It 's absurd . I never go without my dinner . No one ever does , except vegetarians and people like that . Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest . Yes , but I have not been christened for years . Quite so . So I know my constitution can stand it . If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened , I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now . It might make you very unwell . You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill . It use n't to be , I know — but I daresay it is now . Science is always making wonderful improvements in things . Jack , you are at the muffins again ! I wish you would n't . There are only two left .I told you I was particularly fond of muffins . Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests ? What ideas you have of hospitality ! I have n't quite finished my tea yet ! and there is still one muffin left .ACT DROP In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you . I am ! Darling ! Yes , Aunt Augusta . Oh ! No ! Bunbury does n't live here . Bunbury is somewhere else at present . In fact , Bunbury is dead . Oh ! I killed Bunbury this afternoon . I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon . Bunbury ? Oh , he was quite exploded . My dear Aunt Augusta , I mean he was found out ! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live , that is what I mean — so Bunbury died . I am engaged to be married to Cecily , Aunt Augusta . Yes , Aunt Augusta ! Cecily is the sweetest , dearest , prettiest girl in the whole world . And I do n't care twopence about social possibilities . Thank you , Aunt Augusta . Thank you , Aunt Augusta . Of course I could , Cecily . You know I could . Then what is to be done , Cecily ? Well , not till to-day , old boy , I admit . I did my best , however , though I was out of practice . My dear boy , we were never even on speaking terms . He died before I was a year old . Cecily !At last !