Ned , Ned , whither so fast ? What , turned flincher ! Why , you wo ’ not leave us ? Then thy reason staggers , and thou'rt almost drunk . Why , they are at the end of the gallery ; retired to their tea and scandal , according to their ancient custom , after dinner . But I made a pretence to follow you , because I had something to say to you in private , and I am not like to have many opportunities this evening . O ’ my word , Brisk , that was a home thrust ; you have silenced him . No , no , hang him , he has no taste . But , dear Brisk , excuse me , I have a little business . We 'll come immediately , if you 'll but go in and keep up good humour and sense in the company . Prithee do , they 'll fall asleep else . Well , I 'll speak but three words , and follow you . Faith , ‘ tis a good-natured coxcomb , and has very entertaining follies . You must be more humane to him ; at this juncture it will do me service . I 'll tell you , I would have mirth continued this day at any rate ; though patience purchase folly , and attention be paid with noise , there are times when sense may be unseasonable as well as truth . Prithee do thou wear none to-day , but allow Brisk to have wit , that thou may'st seem a fool . Oh , I would have no room for serious design , for I am jealous of a plot . I would have noise and impertinence keep my Lady Touchwood 's head from working : for hell is not more busy than her brain , nor contains more devils than that imaginations . True ; but you shall judge whether I have not reason to be alarmed . None besides you and Maskwell are acquainted with the secret of my Aunt Touchwood 's violent passion for me . Since my first refusal of her addresses she has endeavoured to do me all ill offices with my uncle , yet has managed ‘ em with that subtilty , that to him they have borne the face of kindness ; while her malice , like a dark lanthorn , only shone upon me where it was directed . Still , it gave me less perplexity to prevent the success of her displeasure than to avoid the importunities of her love , and of two evils I thought myself favoured in her aversion . But whether urged by her despair and the short prospect of time she saw to accomplish her designs ; whether the hopes of revenge , or of her love , terminated in the view of this my marriage with Cynthia , I know not , but this morning she surprised me in my bed . What at first amazed me — for I looked to have seen her in all the transports of a slighted and revengeful woman — but when I expected thunder from her voice , and lightning in her eyes , I saw her melted into tears and hushed into a sigh . It was long before either of us spoke : passion had tied her tongue , and amazement mine . In short , the consequence was thus , she omitted nothing that the most violent love could urge , or tender words express ; which when she saw had no effect , but still I pleaded honour and nearness of blood to my uncle , then came the storm I feared at first , for , starting from my bed-side like a fury , she flew to my sword , and with much ado I prevented her doing me or herself a mischief . Having disarmed her , in a gust of passion she left me , and in a resolution , confirmed by a thousand curses , not to close her eyes till they had seen my ruin . It is so . Well , the service you are to do me will be a pleasure to yourself : I must get you to engage my Lady Plyant all this evening , that my pious aunt may not work her to her interest . And if you chance to secure her to yourself , you may incline her to mine . She 's handsome , and knows it ; is very silly , and thinks she has sense , and has an old fond husband . For my Lord Froth , he and his wife will be sufficiently taken up with admiring one another and Brisk 's gallantry , as they call it . I 'll observe my uncle myself , and Jack Maskwell has promised me to watch my aunt narrowly , and give me notice upon any suspicion . As for Sir Paul , my wise father-in-law that is to be , my dear Cynthia has such a share in his fatherly fondness , he would scarce make her a moment uneasy to have her happy hereafter . Maskwell , you mean ; prithee why should you suspect him ? He has obligations of gratitude to bind him to me : his dependence upon my uncle is through my means . My aunt ! Pooh , pooh ! nothing in the world but his design to do me service ; and he endeavours to be well in her esteem , that he may be able to effect it . I confess the consequence is visible , were your suspicions just . But see , the company is broke up , let 's meet ‘ em . I beg your lordship 's pardon . We were just returning . But does your lordship never see comedies ? No ? You are cruel to yourself , my lord , as well as malicious to them . Let him alone , Brisk , he is obstinately bent not to be instructed . Shall we go to the ladies , my lord ? Or what say you to another bottle of champagne ? O yes , madam . Ay , my lord , I shall have the same reason for my happiness that your lordship has , I shall think myself happy . You 're thoughtful , Cynthia ? That 's only when two fools meet , and their follies are opposed . No , hang't , that 's not endeavouring to win , because it 's possible we may lose ; since we have shuffled and cut , let 's even turn up trump now . No , marriage is rather like a game at bowls : fortune indeed makes the match , and the two nearest , and sometimes the two farthest , are together , but the game depends entirely upon judgment . Not at all ; only a friendly trial of skill , and the winnings to be laid out in an entertainment . What 's here , the music ? Oh , my lord has promised the company a new song ; we 'll get ‘ em to give it us by the way .Pray let us have the favour of you , to practise the song before the company hear it . SONG . I . Cynthia frowns whene'er I woo her , Yet she 's vext if I give over ; Much she fears I should undo her , But much more to lose her lover : Thus , in doubting , she refuses ; And not winning , thus she loses . II . Prithee , Cynthia , look behind you , Age and wrinkles will o'ertake you ; Then too late desire will find you , When the power must forsake you : Think , O think o ’ th ’ sad condition , To be past , yet wish fruition . You shall have my thanks below . What can this mean ? For heav'n ' s sake , madam , to whom do you direct this language ? I am so amazed , I know not what to say . Hell and damnation ! This is my aunt ; such malice can be engendered nowhere else . But the greatest villain imagination can form , I grant it ; and next to the villainy of such a fact is the villainy of aspersing me with the guilt . How ? which way was I to wrong her ? For yet I understand you not . By heav'n , I love her more than life or — The daughter to procure the mother ! Incest ! O my precious aunt , and the devil in conjunction . Where am I ? is it day ? and am I awake ? Madam — Madam , pray give me leave to ask you one question . Nay , madam , hear me ; I mean — For heav'n ' s sake , madam — Death and amazement ! Madam , upon my knees — So then , spite of my care and foresight , I am caught , caught in my security . Yet this was but a shallow artifice , unworthy of my Machiavellian aunt . There must be more behind : this is but the first flash , the priming of her engine . Destruction follows hard , if not most presently prevented . SCENE VII . Maskwell , welcome , thy presence is a view of land , appearing to my shipwrecked hopes . The witch has raised the storm , and her ministers have done their work : you see the vessels are parted . There 's comfort in a hand stretched out to one that 's sinking ; though ne'er so far off . Ha ! how 's this ? Ha ! Oh , see , I see my rising sun ! Light breaks through clouds upon me , and I shall live in day — Oh , my Maskwell ! how shall I thank or praise thee ? Thou hast outwitted woman . But , tell me , how couldst thou thus get into her confidence ? Ha ! How ? But was it her contrivance to persuade my Lady Plyant to this extravagant belief ? Ha , ha , ha , ay , a very fury ; but I was most afraid of her violence at last . If you had not come as you did , I do n't know what she might have attempted . She is most gracious in her favour . Well , and , dear Jack , how hast thou contrived ? I will ; till then success attend thee . How now , Jack ? What , so full of contemplation that you run over ? And having trusted thee with the secrets of her soul , thou art villainously bent to discover ‘ em all to me , ha ? All , all , man ! What , you may in honour betray her as far as she betrays herself . No tragical design upon my person , I hope . What dost thou mean ? Like any two guardians to an orphan heiress . Well ? So when you 've swallowed the potion you sweeten your mouth with a plum . Of Cynthia and her fortune . Why , you forget you told me this before . Ha ! Pho , you trifle . Hell and the devil , is she abandoned of all grace ? Why , the woman is possessed . By heav'n , into a hot furnace sooner . What d'ye mean ? How , how , for heav'n ' s sake , dear Maskwell ? Let me adore thee , my better genius ! By heav'n I think it is not in the power of fate to disappoint my hopes — my hopes ? My certainty ! Good fortune ever go along with thee . Why , what 's the matter ? She 's convinced that I do n't care for her . That I have seen , with the ceremony thereunto belonging . For on that night he creeps in at the bed 's feet like a gulled bassa that has married a relation of the Grand Signior , and that night he has his arms at liberty . Did not she tell you at what a distance she keeps him ? He has confessed to me that , but at some certain times , that is , I suppose , when she apprehends being with child , he never has the privilege of using the familiarity of a husband with a wife . He was once given to scrambling with his hands , and sprawling in his sleep , and ever since she has him swaddled up in blankets , and his hands and feet swathed down , and so put to bed ; and there he lies with a great beard , like a Russian bear upon a drift of snow . You are very great with him , I wonder he never told you his grievances : he will , I warrant you . Nay , then you have her ; for a woman 's bragging to a man that she has overcome temptations is an argument that they were weakly offered , and a challenge to him to engage her more irresistibly . ‘ Tis only an enhancing the price of the commodity , by telling you how many customers have underbid her . ‘ Tis a mistake , for women may most properly be said to be unmasked when they wear vizors ; for that secures them from blushing and being out of countenance , and next to being in the dark , or alone , they are most truly themselves in a vizor mask . Here they come : I 'll leave you . Ply her close , and by and by clap a billet doux into her hand ; for a woman never thinks a man truly in love with her , till he has been fool enough to think of her out of her sight , and to lose so much time as to write to her . Ay , hell thank her , as gentle breezes moderate a fire ; but I shall counter-work her spells , and ride the witch in her own bridle . What ? Why so ? Hum , ‘ gad I believe there 's something in it . Marriage is the game that we hunt , and while we think that we only have it in view , I do n't see but we have it in our power . I do n't know why we should not steal out of the house this very moment and marry one another , without consideration or the fear of repentance . Pox o ’ fortune , portion , settlements , and jointures . Love , love , downright , very villainous love . To run most wilfully and unreasonably away with me this moment and be married . That 's but a kind of negative consent . Why , you wo n't baulk the frolic ? I 'll do't . This very next ensuing hour of eight o'clock is the last minute of her reign , unless the devil assist her in propria persona . Ay , what am I to trust to then ? And you wo n't die one , for your own , so still there 's hope . Maskwell ! I have been looking for you — ‘ tis within a quarter of eight . He ? You say true . Pray heaven my aunt keep touch with her assignation . O that her lord were but sweating behind this hanging , with the expectation of what I shall see . Hist , she comes . Little does she think what a mine is just ready to spring under her feet . But to my post .SCENE XVI . LADY TOUCHWOOD . And may all treachery be thus discovered . Villain ! Say you so , were you provided for an escape ? Hold , madam , you have no more holes to your burrow ; I 'll stand between you and this sally-port . Be patient . Consider , I have you on the hook ; you will but flounder yourself a - weary , and be nevertheless my prisoner . O madam , have a care of dying unprepared , I doubt you have some unrepented sins that may hang heavy , and retard your flight . None ; hell has served you even as heaven has done , left you to yourself .— You 're in a kind of Erasmus paradise , yet if you please you may make it a purgatory ; and with a little penance and my absolution all this may turn to good account . You have been to blame . I like those tears , and hope they are of the purest kind ,— penitential tears . May I believe this true ? Upon such terms I will be ever yours in every honest way . SCENE XIX . MASKWELL softly introduces LORD TOUCHWOOD , and retires . Nay , I beseech you rise . Ha ! Damnation ! Confusion , my uncle ! O the damned sorceress . By heaven , ‘ twere senseless not to be mad , and see such witchcraft . Now , by my soul , I will not go till I have made known my wrongs . Nay , till I have made known yours , which , if possible , are greater ,— though she has all the host of hell her servants . Death and furies , will you not hear me ?— Why by heaven she laughs , grins , points to your back ; she forks out cuckoldom with her fingers , and you 're running horn-mad after your fortune . Send him to her . Oh , I could curse my stars , fate , and chance ; all causes and accidents of fortune in this life ! But to what purpose ? Yet , ‘ sdeath , for a man to have the fruit of all his industry grow full and ripe , ready to drop into his mouth , and just when he holds out his hand to gather it , to have a sudden whirlwind come , tear up tree and all , and bear away the very root and foundation of his hopes :— what temper can contain ? They talk of sending Maskwell to me ; I never had more need of him . But what can he do ? Imagination cannot form a fairer and more plausible design than this of his which has miscarried . O my precious aunt , I shall never thrive without I deal with the devil , or another woman . Women , like flames , have a destroying power , Ne'er to be quenched , till they themselves devour . O Maskwell , what hopes ? I am confounded in a maze of thoughts , each leading into one another , and all ending in perplexity . My uncle will not see nor hear me . How ? For heaven 's sake ? The devil he has ! What 's to be done ? In the garden . I know no other way but this he has proposed : if you have love enough to run the venture . How ? I do n't understand you . So . Oh , I conceive you ; you 'll tell him so . No , no ; ha , ha , I dare swear thou wilt not . Excellent Maskwell ! Thou wert certainly meant for a statesman or a Jesuit ; but thou art too honest for one , and too pious for the other . Should I begin to thank or praise thee , I should waste the little time we have . SCENE X . CYNTHIA , MASKWELL . No . My dear , will you get ready ? The things are all in my chamber ; I want nothing but the habit . How ? ‘ Tis loss of time ; I cannot think him false . SCENE XVI . CYNTHIA , LORD TOUCHWOOD . Nay , by heaven you shall be seen . Careless , your hand . Do you hold down your head ? Yes , I am your chaplain , look in the face of your injured friend ; thou wonder of all falsehood . Good heavens ! How I believed and loved this man ! Take him hence , for he 's a disease to my sight . We are your lordship 's creatures .