Hul-lo ! I 'm in luck ! Just the chap I 'm hunting for .How d'ye do , Lord Farncombe ? Ta .Phew , it 's hot ! She wo n't be long , I dare say . Have you ? I 've sent her a trifle of jewellery . By Jove , does n't she ! Ah , there 's my brooch ! Exactly ; but I 'm an old friend , you know . Perhaps , by her next birthday —— What I want to say to you is , doing anything to-night ? Oh , we shall all be at the theatre , to shout Many Happy Returns . Later , I mean . Good . Look here . Smythe is giving her a bit of supper in the foyer after the show , a dance on the stage to follow . About five-and-twenty people . ‘ Ull you come ? He does ask you , through me . He 's left all the arrangements to me and Morrie Cooling . Carlton never did anything in his life ; I egged him on to this . I 've been sweating at it since eleven o'clock this morning . Have n't been near the City ; not near it . Well ? Splendid . Been trying to get on to you all day . I 've called twice at your club and at St. James 's Place . There 'll be the Baron , Sam de Castro , Bertie Fulkerson , Stew Heneage , Jerry Grimwood , Dwarf Kennedy , Colonel and Mrs. Stidulph — Dolly Ensor that was — and ourselves , besides Cooling and Vincent Bland and the pick o ’ the Company . Catani does the food and drink . I do n't believe I 've forgotten a single thing .Sit down a minute .Are you going to wait to see Lily this afternoon ? Because if Jeyes should happen to drop in while you 're here —— Nicko Jeyes — or if you knock up against him to-night at the theatre — mum about this . Um . We do n't want Nicko Jeyes ; we simply do n't want him . And if he heard that you and some of the boys are coming , he might wonder why he is n't included . A regular loafer . Exactly . Catani 's and a top , back bedroom in Jermyn Street , and hanging about the Pandora ; that 's Nicko Jeyes 's life . Known ‘ em some time . That 's it ; Lily 's so faithful to her old friends . Oh , but I 'm a real friend . I 've always been a patron of the musical drama — it 's my fad ; and I 've kept an eye on Lily from the moment she sprang into prominence —“ Mind the paint ! Mind the paint ! ” — looked after her like a father . Uncle Lal she calls me .I 'm a married man , you know ;but the wife has plenty to occupy her with the kids and she leaves the drama to me . She prefers Bexhill .Farncombe , what a charming creature ! No , no , no ; Lily .Oh , and so 's my missus , for that matter , when she chooses . But Lily Upjohn ——! Yes , and as good as she 's beautiful ; you take it from me .Well , if you see Jeyes , you wo n't ——? I 've warned the others .By-the-bye , if Lily should mention the supper in the course of conversation , remember , she 's not in the conspiracy . To shunt Nicko . We 're letting her think there are to be no outsiders . Have n't I told you , once you 're a friend of Lil 's ——!Is this Ma ?Hul-lo , Ma ! Lord Farncombe —— Lord Farncombe 's brought Lily some flowers , Ma . Where are they ? Where is Lil ? Never heard of Morgan . No , no , Ma ! Why not ? What 's wrong with that ? Everybody 'll recognise who that is . Farncombe —— Do me a favour . It 's only half-past four . Take a turn round the Square . I 've some business to talk over with the old lady . I did ; told him I wanted to talk business with you . Upon my soul , Ma , you 're a champion ! Well , you might spread yourself a little over young Farncombe . Lord Farncombe ! No , but damn it all —! I beg your pardon —— This chap 's in love with her . Yes , but they 're not all Farncombes and they 're not all marrying men . I 'm prepared to bet my boots that if Lil and young Farncombe could be thrown together ——!Here ! Do talk it over . The Captain !Ma , the day Lil marries Nicko Jeyes , you and she 'll see the last o ’ me . I do say it . The disappointment ‘ ud be more than I could stand . Selfish , designing beggar ! A fellow who gets on the soft side of Lil before she 's out of her teens — before she 's made any position to speak of ; and when she has made a position , and he 's practically on his uppers , sticks to her like a limpet ! It 's cruel ; that 's what it is — it 's cruel . Here 's Gwennie Harker and Maidie Trevail both married to peers ’ sons , and Eva Shafto to a baronet — all of ‘ em Pandora girls ; and Lil — she 's left high and dry , engaged to a nobody ! It 's cruel ! Ho , ho ! Oh , to be just , I admit he 's in no hurry . He 's been a whole year looking for something to do in London — looking for it at Catani 's and at the Pandora bars ! Exactly ! And when a decent , eligible young chap comes along , and means business , he 's choked off by finding Nicko Jeyes in possession .But , I say ! Farncombe has n't tumbled to it yet . Bertie Fulkerson 's held his tongue about it ; so have the other boys who 're friends of Farncombe 's . They see he 's hard hit .Oh , they 're good boys ; they 're good , loyal boys ! There 's not one of them who would n't throw up his hat if Nicko got the chuck .Ma ! This little spree to-night at the theatre — Lil thinks it 's to be merely among the members of the Company . You keep quiet , now . No , it is n't . The boys — and Farncombe . Pishhh ! Oh , I dare say I 'm a fool for my pains , Ma . Nothing 'll come of it .Farncombe 's as shy as a school-girl ; he 'd be on a desert island with a pretty woman for a month without squeezing her hand . Hullo ! Objection ! And Countess of Godalming when his father dies . The family ! Why , Ma , these tiptop families ought to feel jolly grateful that we 're mixing the breed for them a bit . Look at the two lads who 've married Gwennie Harker and Maidie Trevail — Kinterton and Glenroy ; and Fawcus — Sir George Fawcus — Eva Shafto 's husband ; they have n't a chin or a forehead between ‘ em , and their chests are as narrow as a ten-inch plank . Farncombe himself , he 's inclined to be weedy . I maintain it 's a grand thing for our English nobs that their slips of sons have taken to marrying young women of the stamp of Maidie Trevail and Gwennie Harker — or Lil ; keen-witted young women full of the joy of life , with strong frames , beautiful hair and fine eyes , and healthy pink gums and big white teeth . Sneer at the Pandora girls ! Great Scot , it 's my belief that the Pandora girls 'll be the salvation of the aristocracy in this country in the long run ! Hullo , Nicko ! Yes , and some nice presents over here . I may remark that one of those gifts is from me , Jeyes . Much obliged . Yes , Carlton 's standing a little spread in the foyer , in honour of the occasion .Quite right too ; she 's his best asset , and chance it . Late last night . Er — only the principal members of the Company , I understand . With Morrie Cooling and Vincent Bland thrown in . I was behind when Morrie was going round to the dressing-rooms . E — eh ? Oh , yes , they 've dragged me into it . No , but — dash it , I 've done business for Carlton in the City for twenty years or more ——! And I 'm an old friend of Lil 's . My dear Nicko , I 'm not giving the party . Really , you do jump down a man 's throat ——! T-t-the matter ? Ring ! A brooch ! Now , no personalities . You are a patent ass . Why do n't you leave betting alone ? Come along , Farncombe ! Give it to me . I want a little exercise . Ices , sweets or chocolates , full piano-score ! Ices , sweets or chocolates , full piano-score ! Mind the paint , Ma . Sssh !Dam fool ! Er — good-bye , Nicko . Come along , Vincent . Coming our way , Farncombe ? Hul-lo !Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year , and how are you to-morrow ! Splendid !Seating ‘ em , hey ? Which d'ye make your principal table ? Ah , yes .“ Miss Lily Parradell — ” !Why , you 've gone and put the Baron on her right ! Where 's Farncombe ? Where 's Lord Farncombe ? Rats ! My dear fellow , Miss Parradell is the heroine o ’ the party ; the seat next to her is the seat of honour . If Germany does n't like it , she must lump it . Lord Farncombe 's the eldest son of an Earl ; you can n't get over that . Besides , the Baron 's sweet on Enid just now ; I 'm sure he 'd prefer —thanks , ol ’ man . Sorry I was shirty . Tantrum ? What 's amiss ? Oh , lord ! All right , all right . Nicko Jeyes . Well , I 'm blessed ! Lying worm and a cad ! And from Miss Lily Margaret Upjohn ! Done anything about it ? I 'd better run round to her , and try to smooth her down , had n't I ? Damn it , you agreed that that sulky brute Jeyes ‘ ud be a wet blanket ! You blow hot and cold , you do ! If ever I assist in getting up another party ——!Hul-lo ! Here we are again ! All change for Oxford Circus ! I 'm just going to have a word with Lil Parradell . It 's all right ; she 'll be round in a minute . Angelic . She 's wearing a new dress , and that 's taken her mind off it . Oh , but I have given her such a talking to !Hul-lo !Speshul edishun , cricket , py-per !Dolly — Nita — Gabs — Daphne ! Douglas — Albert ! Ah , here you are , Farncombe !Hul-lo , Colonel ! Results , py-per , extry speshul ! Hul-lo , here 's Enid ! Hul-lo ! Show your tickets , please ! Room inside for four !How are you , Flo ! How are you , Sybil ! How are you , Olga ! I say , look at ‘ Vangy ! Mind the paint ! Mr. Roper , forward ! Miss Kato , wanted ! Ladies ’ mantles on the second-floor ! Yes ; but how long ago ? Here 's Lil ! Hul-lo !Jolly party , hey , Farncombe ? Four-fifty . Yes , and blued the whole lot at one go ! Ices , sweets or chocolates , full piano-score ! Hul-lo , here ! Ha , ha , ha ! Ours , Dolly . Another waltz . By Jove , yes ! When I think o ’ the work Mr. Lionel Hesketh Roper manages to dispose of in the course of a day ——! Now , then , give your orders , gents ! Ladies , do n't all speak at once . Now , then ; have it out with Lily ! Choose your partners , gents !Jimmie ——! Well , nobody can say the affair has n't been a brilliant success ; that 's one comfort . W-w-with pleasure . Yes , yes , I wo n't keep you and —from your tête-à-tête .Ha , ha , ha , ha !Lil , Uncle Lal you call me , but I 've always felt more like a parent towards you — acted as such , hey ? And any happiness that befalls you — any happiness that befalls you —I 'll leave it there . God bless yer ; God bless yer !and God bless you , my lad !I 'm proud — proud to have the honour — and to have been the means of — the means of —God bless you both !I — I — I — I 'll drop in by-and-by and — and — and inquire after you , my pet . Ha , ha , ha , ha !Wurrr-roo ! Stand away from the lift ; no more passengers this journey ! Hullo , hullo , hullo , hul-lo !Morning , Ma !Any more bids for the handsome gilt candelabra with the crystal drops ? Ha , ha , ha !Morning , Jimmie !Well , Lil ! Well , my pet ! Oh , I — thank you , Lil —Not up to much to-day ? Dancing too hard , I ‘ spect . Anything else amiss , Ma ? T-t-tell —? Jimmie ——! Is n't going to —? I d-d-do n't follow you . Now , look here , Jimmie ! A jest is a capital thing in its way . No man has a keener sense of humour than Lal Roper . But there are occasions when it 's out o ’ place , and this is one of ‘ em , my dear ; and if it 's not putting you to serious inconvenience —— Ma ——! Wo n't draw him into her ——? Jimmie Birch ——! Of course , there is this to be said , Ma .It may be wise of dear Lil to decline Farncombe at first . It — it — it — it does n't do for a girl , does it , to appear to throw herself at any man , let alone a young fellow of the position — the — the — the social status ——! In the dark ! Finishing ——? Plighted herself ——? Do I — do I know him ? Jeyes ! Ma — Mrs. Upjohn — Lily —— P'sh !Ma — Lily — for years — longer than it 's agreeable to count — I 've been a patron of the drama — particularly musical comedy , of which I 've studied the development with especial interest . It 's been a fad with me ; I put it no higher than that .But I 've devoted time to it —— Often to the neglect of my ventures in the City . Here I am now , for instance . And — I frankly admit it — I 've had more than one serious dispute with Mrs. Roper on the subject .Yesterday , by a coincidence —letter from the wife — full o ’ complaints — have n't been to Bexhill , to her and the kids , for weeks . And to do Ellen Roper justice , she 's not the woman to grumble without cause .Dash it all , home ties are home ties !And , taking one consideration with another — and after this — this occurrence — it 's my intention for the future — my firm intention —— And Jeyes ! Understanding ? Great Scot ——! Undoubtedly she ought to see them . Hear what they 've got to say . Lucky I was on the spot ; lucky I was on the spot . Choose between ‘ em ! I can n't —— Oh ——! I — ah — I think I 'll run downstairs and shake hands with Jeyes and Farncombe while Lily 's tidying herself . Risk it ? Throttle me ! Throttle Lal Roper ——!