the owners are whining about baseball not being popular among a
large enough portion of the population, and have suggested various
"remedies", such as shortening the game or trying to convince us that
"smoke'embake'emdominatebysheerintimidation" is an accurate description
of what is, essentially, a laid-back game.

forget those lame ideas.  here is my new and exciting two-point plan to
generate interest in baseball among the masses.

point one: sex.
point two: violence.

let's face it, sex and violence are the only things that sell in
america.  here's how we can implement them in the game:

sex: cheerleaders, cheerleaders, and more cheerleaders.  dancing on top
     of the dugouts.  bringing hot dogs to the umps during the seventh
     inning stretch.  running up and down the stands.  (the south bend
     white sox actually do this).

violence: baseball players are such utter wuss boys.  the pitcher beans
     the batter, and both benches empty in what is called a "bench-clearing
     brawl".  EVERYBODY JUST STANDS THERE AND LOOKS AT EACH OTHER. stand,
     stand, stand.  look, look, look.  ho, hum.  then, the bullpens
     come running in.  when they reach the "fight", they just stand
     there, too.

     anybody coming off the bench who does not throw at least one punch
     should be suspended and fined.  further, the bullpens should fight
     it out in the outfield, so as not to waste time and energy running
     to the infield.

football: sex, violence.
basketball: sex, violence.
hockey: violence.
baseball: "da pastime of da nayshun!" - yawn.