“I have learned not to fear anyone or anything”: Overcoming shame and fears of living with HIV, and developing greater feelings of self-worth
HIV or sexual relationships
The second most-salient theme, which builds on the first, centered on how Project YES! helped many youth accept their HIV status and “stop being scared.” The youth learned to identify self-stigma and accept their HIV status “from the heart,” while gaining self-confidence and greater feelings of self-worth. They learned to “ignore” negative comments from people about HIV, and no longer feared socializing with others. They came to realize that being HIV-positive “doesn’t mean the end of your life.” For example:Acceptance was difficult for me. So even taking medication daily was a problem. When I came here…they were teaching me that …if you are taking your medication, you can do things that people who are not sick do…Now, I am free to associate with anyone. I can make friends with anyone. I can go to school…I used to feel as though I am not part of those people.(female, 18 years)Sometimes even on our own you have a certain stigma. You feel embarrassed. You don’t feel free in your own life. But for me, [the program] has taught me a lot. I can even stand in public and talk about my status with confidence.(female, 24 years)By accepting their status, many youth were able to transcend their fears associated with living with HIV, including speaking with HCP about their status and picking up their ART medication from the clinic. Several described how they used to avoid asking HCP questions about living with HIV or sexual relationships out of concern that they would be judged—e.g., “Should I really ask? What will they think?” (male, 21 years). Project YES!, however, gave youth an opportunity to become familiar with and confident around the HCP, showing them that the HCP are resources for young people. As one explained:Before we started having the meetings [for Project YES!], we were afraid of the counselors… But now we have learnt that the problems we have, they are the ones who can help us… They will teach you how to handle what you are facing… Now we look at them [the HCP] as family, where you are open and you can say anything to them.(male, 19 years)Several described how they had begun to collect their medication independently rather than sending someone else to collect their medication, since they no longer felt “afraid” that someone they know would see them there.Project YES! also helped some youth develop “that confidence” and “muster up the courage” to disclose their HIV status to those people whom they could trust. A 20-year-old male participant explained that before the project, “I was scared to disclose my status—even to tell my best friend or some relatives of mine, for example, my younger brother or my sister. But being part of Project YES! helped me and I don’t feel ashamed of being HIV-positive.”