Trapped: searching for connection and home
thrive, confusion, Ontario Disability, anxiety
STILL

“As we journeyed with the young people over the course of 2.5 years, we saw that some seemed to be stuck circling; even though they were housed, they did not feel at home. As we dug deeper into the experience of housed vs. home, we came to understand that “housed” was a tangible physical structure, but “home” was an intangible sense of physical/mental safety and connection to oneself and to others—an awareness of belonging, of inclusion. In other words, house and home were related but not synonymous concepts.In this excerpt from Colin, he was describing his experience of searching for home while existing in transitional, in-between spaces—couch surfing with relatives and friends after high school and then moving into the first space of his own, where he did not feel safe or connected. By the end of the study, home for Colin meant reconciling with his father and then renting a three-bedroom townhome together. For other study participants, even after 2.5 years of relative housing stability, they were still searching for connection and home:
There’s like some weird sense of home there [homeless shelter] that neither of us have had anywhere else. I have people who feel like home […]. Home is not really a place. (Riccio, 30-month interview)It is remarkable that, despite the fact that Riccio had been living away from the shelter for over 3 years, it was still the only physical space that felt like home. In this excerpt, she was including the experience of her partner, who was living in a shelter at the time. Similar to Monique who displayed external markers of success (steady employment and housing), Riccio was pursuing post-secondary education, volunteering as a peer mentor in the homelessness sector, and living in market rent housing. Still, on the inside, part of her longed for the only physical place that ever felt like home: the homeless shelter. Like Colin, Riccio explained that a sense of home had more to do with connection than a physical structure.In addition to the uneasy sense of not being settled, young people trapped in the dark fog of exclusion generally had limited insight into how to move forward and extremely limited social connections. Jordan described the complicated entanglement between self-understanding and socioeconomic inequities he was still navigating 2 years into the study while living with his parents, partner, and new baby:
[Having a baby] makes me feel like I have more of a purpose now, ‘cause like beforehand, I didn’t really know what my point was in life, to be honest. […] We get about six or seven hundred dollars in child tax credit now since I sent in the paperwork […] It couldn’t have come at a better time because we were almost out of baby food and formula and stuff. My parents need us to [help financially] – like last month for instance, my dad made too much at work, so my mom got less from ODSP [Ontario Disability Support Program; enhanced financial resources for those with a diagnosed disability]. So, they needed the full $600 [for rent] in one shot rather than $300 in the beginning and $300 in the middle […] I applied for ODSP, but they declined me twice, three times. I guess my anxiety and stuff wasn’t good enough. (Jordan, 24-month interview)Like Colin, Jordan moved in with his parents during the study and was helping pay the rent. It is clear from this excerpt that money was tight; this was the only existence Jordan had ever known. He had not finished high school and felt overwhelmed at the thought of applying for and holding down a job. Jordan was trapped in a generational cycle of socioeconomic exclusion. To help relieve some of the financial strain, he sought the same government supports that had been provided to his mother. His comment that his anxiety “wasn’t good enough” is similar to Alice’s comment about “adequacy” and highlights the burden of socioeconomic inclusion carried by many participants as they navigated a post-homelessness existence. Six months later, Jordan was still unclear how to move forward when asked to consider where he might be in 5 years:
All I can think of for an answer to that one is not here. It needs to be different […] but I can’t quite clearly see what it’s going to look like […] My family operates on something we call chaos theory. I thrive on the quote unquote chaos of not really having a plan. […] for the most part, if I plan something out, nothing works to my plan. (Jordan, 30-month interview)Jordan’s comments from two different points during the study highlight three intrinsically connected ideas we heard from others who seemed trapped: (1) a sense of not being settled, not being home; (2) limited understanding as to why they existed; how they might connect with and contribute to society; and (3) even if they did gain an awareness of purpose (like Jordan had as a new father), socioeconomic inequities and an unclear vision made it challenging to have a sense of power and control over that purpose. Jordan’s use of the word “chaos” (i.e., confusion) and belief that his plans do not generally come to fruition are particularly insightful and help illuminate the mindset of participants trapped in a cycle of socioeconomic exclusion.