text: When Nic Newling recalls his childhood, he remembers misleading highs and deep depressions where the only option he could see for himself was committing suicide. But it was the unexpected and tragic death of his teenage brother, Christopher, who killed himself amidst his own quieter battle with mental illnesses, which helped put his life back into perspective. Now, the 28-year-old is using his story of loss and confusion - in which he moved between doctors and psychiatric wards and was fed various concoctions of prescriptive medication before finally being diagnosed with bipolar disorder - to raise awareness of mental illness. Mental health advocate Nic Newling struggled through the confusing highs and depressing lows of an undiagnosed bipolar disorder between the ages of 13 and 18 . It was the unexpected and tragic death of his older, teenage brother Christopher (pictured right with Nic left), who killed himself amidst his own quieter battle with mental illnesses, which helped put his life back into perspective . Academically driven from a young age, Nic said that the time he was eight years old, he had planned his whole life out in his mind with the intention of becoming a vet. 'I got into a high school with a scholarship; at that point I was really happy for the first six months, but I pushed myself too hard and put an unrealistic amount of pressure on myself and just crashed. What it looked like was not having any other interests, being snappy and grumpy and angry - which are all things that are not like me at all,' he told Daily Mail Australia. His bad moods progressed into forms of anxiety and depression and what Nic described as an 'overwhelming sadness that didn't come from any particular place', before taking on a level of psychosis. 'When things first started getting bad, I was experiencing symptoms of agitation, panic attacks, I was withdrawing from friends and life and not finding pleasure in the things that I used to find pleasurable, I was experiencing what I thought was OCD behaviors and I started thinking I was hearing things that weren't real,' he said. Both Nic (left) and Christopher (centre, with eldest brother Ben right) suffered from mental health problems at the same time . Unlike Nic (left), Christopher (with Ben right) was not as open about his emotions and his anxiety and depression. His death came as a shock to the family who had been focusing on Nic's struggles . 'It was so hard to work at school because of the nature of the condition: it can have cognitive impairments, so I'd go from reading nonstop to not being able to listen to a word the teacher was saying. 'I'd literally just sit there in class and just fantasize about different ways I could kill myself with different objects in the room.' By year eight, Nic had admitted himself into a psychiatric ward - a move that marked the beginning of years of confusions and various treatments including electroconvulsive therapy - in a desperate bid to rid himself of his confusing emotions. 'On average, statistics show that it takes 20 years for someone with bipolar to go from having the symptoms to being diagnosed - and that's not even treating it,' Nic said. 'Compared to that, I'm one of the lucky ones.' A high achiever from a young age, Nic (pictured left and right) 'crashed' after pushing himself too hard in the first year of high school . His anxiety and depression progressed into a type of psychosis and he soon admitted himself into a psychiatric ward for almost nine months . But along with the cold, stale, square rooms, the psychiatric wards offered a surprising comfort: other people who were not afraid to talk about mental illness. 'I really liked that psych ward. I didn't want to leave because I met so many people there from different backgrounds and religions and with different ideas about the world … and the reason I really got along with these guys was because it was the first time I had met other people with mental health issues and that it was such a non-issue. 'They'd be like "what have you got?" and I'd say "I think I have psychosis or depression" and they'd just say "OK, cool. Do you want to play Nintendo now?" That planted the seed a little bit: maybe talking about this stuff is really helpful, not damaging.' The level of support and acceptance of mental health problems that Nic experienced was a far cry from the experience of his older brother Christopher. 'Everyone was really worried about me being suicidal because it was such a measured thought-out decision for me - I was sort of at the point where I was convinced there was no point in living but couldn't deal with the guilty because my family had been so good to me,' Nic said. 'It was so hard to work at school because of the nature of the condition: it can have cognitive impairments, so I'd go from reading nonstop to not being able to listen to a word the teacher was saying. I'd literally just sit there in class and just fantasize about different ways I could kill myself with different objects in the room' It took at least another two years after his brother's death before Nic (pictured) was correctly diagnosed with bi-polar and set on the correct path of treatment, but not without another stint in a psych ward and doctor's experimenting with every drug for depression under the sun . 'Then Chris ended up killing himself when I had just turned 16 and he was just shy of 18. 'He had his heart set on being a professional rugby player but had some problems with his legs and had to get surgery. He was bed ridden for a while and that made his depression and anxiety a lot worse because he pretty much just lived for rugby. 'He became withdrawn: he wouldn't talk about his depression. I was open about it to close friends and family whereas he would really keep it close to his chest because he had a lot more to lose socially - he was an alpha-male, jock, lovable larrikin and athletic type and I think he really felt that if he would have talked about having depression and anxiety it would made him look like less of a man. Devastated by the unexpected turn of events, Nic's eldest brother was left to organize Christopher's funeral while his mother became a recluse and the rest of the family tried to shield Nic from the event, desperate to avoid another tragedy. Christopher's (left and right) mental health problems peaked after a surgery that left him bed ridden and unable to play rugby: 'He would really keep it close to his chest because he had a lot more to lose socially - he was an alpha-male, jock, lovable larrikin and athletic type and I think he really felt that if he would have talked about having depression and anxiety it would made him look like less of a man' 'We stopped having Christmas that year because mum and dad couldn't deal with that emptiness. 'After he died there were five chairs at the dinner table and only four people and you can't ignore that. We started having dinner in front of the television permanently because, what do you talk about? How can you discuss anything and have that chair sitting there?' It took at least another two years after his brother's death before Nic was correctly diagnosed with bi-polar and set on the correct path of treatment, but not without another stint in a psych ward and doctor's experimenting with every drug for depression under the sun. His death shattered their family: 'We stopped having Christmas that year because mum and dad couldn't deal with that emptiness,' Nic said (pictured from a young age with his brothers and father) 'Our first family Christmas in a very long time, just last year': Left to right Ben and his son Zach, mum, dad, Nic's best friend Ryle, Nic, and family friend Daisy . 'I'd had heaps of different meds for heaps of different diagnosis. I'd had shock therapy when I was 16 which was once I'd had every meds that existed for the condition and meant we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel by falling back on like 1960s meds,' he said. 'But it wasn't that the meds weren't working or the dosage was wrong, it was that I was being treatment for something I didn't have.' 'Now things are good. I take a small maintenance dose of medication, one pill a day, with no side effect: a mood stabilizer which just feels like taking a vitamin. I've got a great job working in mental health, I live with my best friend, have a great girlfriend - I don't want to say it's perfect, but what a dramatic turnaround!' As an outspoken advocate for mental health and suicide prevention who advocates loudly about the importance of seeking help, Nic aims to raise awareness about the importance of GPs - the front-line of any mental health help and diagnosis - brushing up on mental illness research and data to improve diagnoses . As an outspoken advocate for mental health and suicide prevention who advocates loudly about the importance of seeking help, Nic aims to raise awareness about the importance of GPs - the front-line of any mental health help and diagnosis - brushing up on mental illness research and data to improve diagnoses. 'I'd also love to see people seeking help, talking about it and not being afraid, humiliated or ashamed. It's the only way to reduce stigma and make it not a big scary shameful thing. 'You're not a freak, a lot of people have these feelings and we're only doing ourselves a disservice by pretending we don't have problems, and they're actually really treatable.' Nic Newling's full story can be viewed on ABC's Australian Story on Monday April 13, 8pm. Missing Christopher, an award winning novel about Nic's brother written by his mother Jayne, can be found here. If you or someone you know needs assistance, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
target: Nic Newling spent his childhood in psychiatric wards and hopping from doctor to doctor who couldn't figure out why he felt so depressed .
  It took years of trialling medications and experiencing suicidal thoughts before he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder .
  When his older brother committed suicide due to his own quieter battle with mental illness, Nic's life was put back into perspective .
  He now works as a mental health advocate trying to destroy negative stigmas and encourage open and honest conversation without shame .