If I Was Really Me.....‏ I can't say what I want, I can't even write it... if I did, what would happen?  I don't want to know...

Ever since all that I knew to be true and real in my life turned out to be a lie or a figment of my imagination, I can no longer trust myself, how could I be so wrong??   What is wrong with me?  My oldest daughter is right, I am REALLY damaged, maybe there's just no saving or fixing me.

I thought better of posting this but I'm not writing this blog for anyone but me.  I know sometimes what I write is hard to read and very sad.  That's who I am at any given moment in time, I'm tired of pretending with the fake smile when my whole insides are in pain.

I don't know if I should keep writing this blog when I know I'm not able to be positive and uplifting at this time.  I'm really hoping that the cleanse will help to center me.  Then again maybe it will make me feel more, which is scary since I can barely handle what I'm feeling now.

I also know that my problems are not even in the same league with other people's issues; unfortunately this knowledge doesn't stop me from crying or being sad.  I've lost so much this year, mainly I've lost me and my ability to trust, even myself.

The very difficult and sad thing is that when there is no trust, there's nothing to hold on to.  No matter how much I may want to hold on, without trusting myself, it's nearly impossible.  I want so desperately to be myself and have people love me for that but unfortunately I don't think people can truly love me for me.  I used to believe that was possible, now I don't.

I want to be happy, I want to smile from the inside out, can I ever have that again?
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