So... it's been a while since I posted here. Honestly, I had to focus on a lot of life stuff really. A lot of things have changed and I'm honestly doing pretty okay for once, well, sort of. Well, it's better than it has been by far.

First things first, I have my own place now and a job so I've been pretty wrapped up in that. It's been an interesting experience so far and I'd like to keep my own place to myself for as long as possible. Even though it would be nice to have more visitors from time to time I can't really change that factor though. Hey, if people don't wanna chill with me it's all good, I can understand, I'm just too awesome.

Actually, well... that was everything. I mean I'm enjoying my life at this point. Even though my depression kinda comes back and forth that's something that I have to figure out and deal with. Still trying to work out ways to cope with that but one problem at a time is all I can deal with instead of tons of things at once and that's been helping my anxiety a lot.

Oh yeah, second thing, I used to post on a music community with some other mods but me and another person have broken away from that and doing our own thing at our own community. If you wanna check it out just follow the link to Also if anyone wants to contact me I'm pretty much just sticking to Skype/MSN whatever the fuck it is now. So if you wanna poke me on there just add my skype which is purplemirotic.

Oh well, that's everything. See ya all later until the next update.
Current Mood: fall apart
i had a break down recently and ended up bouncing around hospitals for a week. it was for suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety. I got jerked around a few different places before finally receiving some help.

Turns out I have a severe depression problem and personality disorder.

I feel like I honestly don't know myself anymore and during all of this I was kicked out of my place so I haven't been doing so hot. I barely have any will to go on. My family doesn't trust me enough to help me and no one can really help me.

If I have go out on the streets I will kill myself.
2 comments | Leave a comment Christmas passing and all that stuff aka an update if you still read this
It's that time of the year. It seems I've gotten into this habit of updating when serious things happen and around the holidays. I think I'll keep things that way until I have a reason to post more on here which most likely will not be happening any time soon since I don't really have many reasons to hang out on here much. I'm hanging elsewhere now and none of it has to with personal updates about my own life so... yeah. That's why I will keep randomly posting on here and hey you never know, maybe people will want to talk to me to again but meh. I stopped putting money into that bank ages ago.

No bad news this time so that's a good thing. I would say my life is actually very good right now. I'm happy. I feel like myself. Being in control of my destiny is a fucking fantastic thing. I don't have any time restraints and no obligations to keep me stressed out. It's the best choice I ever made and I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be for once in my life. I may have said that many times in the past but this, it's very different and it's awesome. Being without reasons for excuses is brilliant. If I just don't want to do something then I don't have to. It's just great and it's the same with everyone else who lives here.

Christmas was actually very good this year. It's nice to finally be accepted by them and now they understand me and I understand them better. Also it was fantastic to have my brother back in town cause now everything's just better with our whole little family around here. They've come to understand what I am doing with my life and they support it fully. I got them some gifts and they got me some stuff. It was great to not be the only one who didn't get anyone anything so I didn't have to deal with shit from my stepdad or anything of the sort. I hope more holidays can be like this from now on.

They also got me a new external hard drive cause my previous one was threatening to explode on me. I beat that poor thing up so badly and now I know how to make sure I don't accidentally take the life out of my new one. Which hopefully means I'll be getting back to uploading soon now that this one doesn't make noises from a horror movie when I boot it up.

Also my family got me a big bag of fabrics and a basic sewing kit so I can get started with my special dream. The people I live with now are just as supportive and my friends mom is helping me learn how to use the sewing machine. I now have some patterns and designs in mind to start putting things together and starting this wonderful project up. I'm still working on a name for it but a good friend of mine has made some fantastic ideas. I'd tell more about what the project is but I don't want anyone else knowing until it's more prepared. I already have place to start selling it and spreading the word so when it's time then... I will reveal more and even show some of it here. So I'm excited about that. I would show some of the designs too but as I said it's a special project but all I can say is it has to do with clothing and accessories. So be on the lookout for the next update.

I also want to say I feel like myself. My true self. After casting off the stresses of religion and other terrible influences I have no guilt or anything really making me over think about my choices. I'm not saying I don't have morals or anything of the sort. You don't need religon to have those set of morals. I still know there's good and evil in the world and all that. I just know where I lie now and it's awesome. I wish this kind of happiness for everyone I know.

And I started doing more things with my make-up too. I got rid of my eyebrows and it was actually a lot of fun cause I can do more stuff with visual style now cause of it. Additionally... I'd like to thank everyone who may not be in my life anymore. Because of you I've been able to find myself and figure my shit out. I know you'll never read this here and see it but hey, I'm thanking you anyways so deal with it.

Until next time~
Current Location: the pc A different kind of holiday season and a little thanks
What's so different about this year?

Everything, of course.

Especially since August when most of my life turned upside-down without warning. I'm not mad about it. The life I had before was something I learned to tolerate, not anything I enjoyed before or at all. I just did it cause well I had to. But now, life is so different. I don't know if it's a bad or good thing at all but I know one thing is that the way things are now are the way they need to be otherwise I will destroy myself. Granted, I know at this point this thing is barely used and I don't really talk to anyone from here anymore. Maybe one or two people but on a rare occasion and I don't hold my breath for those moments cause I see no reason to, no offense if any is taken.

Another thing is I'm separating myself from a lot of stuff that's been bothering me and is mostly causing my anxiety problems. To do that I had to make some major life choices and some of them made me realize some terrible things about myself and my family. So to move on from things and to become my true self as a person and as a woman, which is very, very important these days, I've decided to no longer follow any religion nor do I wish to stress myself with a job or trying to make some form of money. I called my mother about this cause I felt it was something important that she should know and she basically told me I was listening to some new age crap and that no person can live without a job cause I never know when my roommates might die, want to kick me out, or move somewhere without me. When she said those things to me I asked her why would you say that and over and over again she just kept saying I need a job and started stressing me about life stuff and saying crap like I was happier when I was working and when I look back on things now... that was never the case. I can't keep a job for a long time and it's something I never enjoyed cause it never lasted long and it rarely fixed any of my problems.

In the end, I realized it to her it wasn't about my happiness or anything of the sort, she was worried about how other people would perceive her just cause I wasn't working myself for 40+ hours a week and not going to school or some shit like that. I know she means well and I'm not mad at her for her words, I'm more... disappointed because all my life she has raised me to be my own person and have my own ideals but I've always been struck down for them or told not to talk to people in my family about the things I enjoy cause they just might judge me for it. Well, I'm done with that. I can't be myself worrying about that shit cause my family is worried about what others will think of them just for being myself. Just so done.

When it comes to the holidays too... I won't be going to family gatherings and I think in the end that will do me a lot of good. Not having to worry about going to gatherings sitting there by myself cause no one wants to talk to me cause I don't live like they do. It's too much... hypocrisy and it makes me sick at this point. I've dealt with it with others too. People uncomfortable with me because I'm different or deal with things like they don't. I see now why a lot of people stopped talking to me and why I stopped talking to them. I'm not saying I'm better than most people, I don't worry about that shit anymore like I used to, I just see now that mostly the reason people rejected me is cause of something in their lives caused them to be that way and cause of things in my life it caused me to think and do things in ways not cause I was a dick or anything like that but because I was scared of being told no and being rejected, which happened anyways so... fuck it. Done worrying about shit like that.

And it's not worth being mad at anyone or hating them for it, that never fixes anything of helps me get better, in the end it's just better to live without. Yeah, it would be great to talk to those people again cause I do miss a good bunch of them but I don't think that will ever happen. I could sit here and name people and ask them why but I will never get an answer and it's not worth spending the time on it cause in the end, those people never bothered to figure out what the real issue was and never tried to figure it out. Instead like many things before with many others it was far easier for people to just walk away. Part of probably was cause I'm an emotional person, I have my tears and my freaking out but I always calm down in the end. Sometimes it's panic attacks and instead of admitting my problem I just let it destroy me and make me do things out of desperation so no one would see it or think anything of it... bleh, starting to ramble.

But yes, as I said I've decided to live without religion and other life stresses. The place I live now, we're able to live a life of relaxation and peace and we're all provided for so there's no strain on any one to support us all. I've had confirmations too by looking for answers elsewhere and they all point the same way. To just take it easy and follow my passions when the time is right and life will work out in the end. I've put it in the hands of the universe or whatever is in charge out there and trying to change it and go against it won't make the good come so I'm letting it all go pretty much and I know in the end I will be happy. It's not a simple process though, there's a lot of programming and control I've grown up that's left me dealing with a lot of guilt and negative influences but as the days go by I've let go of more and more of it so one day in the future I can just have no worries and a happy life.

So... that's where I am now pretty much.

Now for the cliche part of things, there are very few people I'm giving a shout out for regarding being thankful this year not cause of the holidays but just in general especially these last few months and the hard times before now.

One goes out to my best friends mom that I live with now, she is an amazing woman who I've spent much of the last few months talking to and getting help from regarding so many things. Her life was very similar to mine and I've told her about most of my life and she's given me the help I need to realize I need to be myself and be like this for my own happiness which is the most important thing of all.

Two goes to my best friend I live with now. I've known him for years and because him and his mom let me move in here it saved me from the terrible wreck that was my life before and he's the only one who stuck around here where I live and stayed my friend.

Three and the last one goes to Lyssa and I hope she can see this, girl, woman, awesome person, without you at the start of this very rocky thing when I was at my worst and so close to killing myself, you were there to pick me back up. I don't think I can ever repay you for this but without you keeping me together then I wouldn't be here now, so thank you for doing what so little people actually do and understand in this world, being a friend and never judging me for anything and I would always do the same for you.

So yes, that's everything. I'll update this again when I feel the need to say what's going on otherwise you'll all have this.

And I'm still around on my msn most of the time. You can add me there if you feel like doing so. I have skype and yahoo too as well I'm just not on them as much but won't hesitate to be on those if you need me to.

Here's my msn if you want it and don't have it. email@example.com

Also last but not least, y'all crazy ladies from tumblr, y'all are nuts and full of magical unicorns and shit and I love you all too for putting up with my crazy ass just as much as I put up with yours. happy halloween
I'm still alive I promise! happy halloween i'm too lazy to fix it xD happy birthday you two
We don't really talk much anymore. Life has taken us all in strange directions which none of us have control over.

It would be great to talk to either of you again if it's just to wish you a happy birthday.
So yeah

Happy Birthday Another random update of slight seriousness
-dusts this thing off for another random life update-

So I don't really use my own person tumblr anymore getting myself sucked up in the world of writing there and RPing in order to keep a bit more of my sanity and despite a few bumps in the road it's worked out really well. So if anyone RP's via tumblr just leave me a poke here and I can send you the info for that since we need more people.

Now for the more serious side of this update...

Things changed dramatically where I was living and due to a strange twist of events I was requested to leave my apartment within a short amount of time even though it was the last thing my roommate wanted but thanks to some life events for her it not her choice for me to continue to staying there and honestly... I think it's something I really needed.

It's somewhat a relief now that I don't have to wake up every day and dread watching a 4 year old all day and I was really reaching my limit with that and it was doing me no favors in the sanity department since years ago as some of you know I made the choice to not keep my own child so I guess logic finally gave me a slap in the face on that one and I am glad it did.

A big annoyance now is that cause of what happened at the apartment I am now apparently going through the process of dealing with trauma from the event. Thankfully my only close friend here and his mother were nice enough to take me in and it's made the whole thing easier to deal with but now my severe anxiety problem is painfully obvious to them and his mom has pointed out that I should really get some professional opinion of some sort cause I might not be able to recover from this one quickly.

But honestly... I think this is where I need to be. They're willing to keep me here indefinitely and that's a relief for me cause it's a lot more welcoming than the living situations I've been in for years now it's made me realize how fucking nuts I have been to be accepting of my living situation prior to coming here. So... good thing, I guess?

I do need to see a professional cause I'm showing all the signs of being a big ball of anxiety disorder of some kind and the trauma I've gone through seems to have made it far worse. The scariest part of it all seems to be that I know I shouldn't be thinking or worrying about so many things yet... I have no way of stopping it. It's even things that could never happen or have anything to do with what's going on since I've been completely separated from the situation going on at the other apartment yet... I can't fucking turn it off.

Another good thing is that my friend's mom is just... she's very understanding. She's giving me the time to recover for however long it takes for me to get past this and it's almost an alien sensation to be somewhere so peaceful.

I guess really terrible situation has now turned into a extremely healthy thing for me? I can't tell yet but I feel like I should be here.

Oh well, I'll update here when I know more cause it might just help my brain process things better. I'm not sure yet.

Feel free to leave a comment though, I feel at least a little social... I think, heh... Current Music: llll-Ligro- - THE STIGMA TO THE GALLOWS | Powered by Last.fm
3 comments | Leave a comment Things to be considered
I've thought lately about coming back to this things. Not just to go back to my usual chattering on or whatever about bands I like and all that annoying shit I used to do but, ugh, I left cause I was trying to move on from certain things yet without this I've found it hard to just get things out of my head mentally or ramble about things.

Tumblr is nice and all. I have no issues with it but now I use it for an entirely different reason which has helped me with a lot of things which why I've thought about coming back.

But if I do make my return here would it be worth anything at all or would I just sink back into the depressed mindset I had before that had me so close to making even worse decisions regarding my life?

I'm a different person now too in a number of ways. So I don't know how it will turn out.

I am very unsure.

I can say one thing. If there is anyone out there waiting for me to come back to this... will it be worth it? Current Music: -OZ- - Shangrila | Powered by Last.fm
5 comments | Leave a comment (F-list please read: important) I've had a nice long time to think
With everything's that happened to me regarding this journal and everything around it when it comes down to it... I just don't really want it anymore. I've been spending my time more on tumblr and withdrawing more and more away from people as the weeks pass. All this journal makes me think about is how much time I felt I wasted on it. I barely talk to anyone I met through this thing and I'm tired of worrying about it and what people read from it.
I can't post the self-pity and how my life is at the moment cause of how things have gone all I feel is eyes watching it and judging it even if that isn't that case it's what I've gotten for a long time on here. There are a few friends yes I will miss that left the few comments I get anymore on here when I post things but for now I just don't have the heart of continue it.
This no longer feels like me and the person that's on here I can't handle it much anymore. I'd rather spare people from being another extremely depressing number on here and have to worry about the content cause it may/may not make people want to talk to me anymore... not that they really do anyways. I know it's a two way street and I'm doing part of the harm myself not talking to those who are there but when most of the conversations are just dead anyways I hardly feel like having them since I'm not even into most of the same things anymore.
Even tumblr hasn't touched me really yet since I just spend my time on there reblogging stuff that makes me smile a little and occasionally posting some of my favorite pictures but that's nothing I really pour myself into cause that hasn't worked to fix any of my social problems either.

From now on I will just be using this to do stuff in the comms I help out with. I'll still be reading stuff from my f-list and commenting on occasion but otherwise this journal will no longer be updated.

If you wish to keep contact with me or possibly follow me somewhere else feel free to follow my tumblr here at: http://tetsusama69.tumblr.com/

Also you can add my messengers which I'm on most of the day:

Skype: purplemirotic
MSN: email@example.com
Yahoo: tetsu_sama69

I would say I could possibly talked out of this choice but it doesn't seem to really matter. I've reached out enough to not really want to put effort into it anymore. The people I gave a true shit about barely talk to me and when I mention it I get shit for it so it's really pointless to whine about it when my hand is going to get smacked for it anyways.

So unless things change for now, this is goodbye.
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