Day 2 - The [Blanking] [in]

Sleeping [in]. Lying [in]. Eating [in]. Watching [TV].

# posted by Tony @ 11:53 am

Footy. A hot one. From a Respectable Source!

Via the excellent CHUCKER.

# posted by Tony @ 7:47 pm

Day 1 - The Phone Call

This in itself is not significant. I've used a telephone before. I have. What was significant was the look on my friend's face as I was on the blower. I thought there was something wrong with him, no that's not a fair, I KNOW there's something wrong with him, but it turned out he was actually looking behind me. Why? Well, his eye had been caught by the lurking presence of what he later described as a junky pickpocket and he’d been trying to warn me to mind my luggage.

On later describing this bizarre coincidence to Tim his first response….

”She look like a junky?”

I didn’t notice if he checked for his wallet.

# posted by Tony @ 4:19 pm

# posted by Tony @ 1:31 pm

And what's this nonsense?

# posted by Tony @ 1:18 pm

Are we RESPECTED as people?

Do we RESPECT each other?

Do we RESPECT people in nursing homes?

UPDATE: Give it to me too!

# posted by Tony @ 11:58 am

Thanks James. Who's a CLEVER BOY then? On Second Thoughts!

Oh well, pass the pickles.

# posted by Tony @ 6:29 pm

"Yes M'lady."

"Say it ain't so!"

How does the old saying go? EC is DOG.

# posted by Tony @ 1:20 pm

Not dead.

Red - "What was the song?"

Red - "That's nice."

Red - "Hello little girl."

L.G - "Hi."

Ex. Ell. Ent.

# posted by Tony @ 12:47 pm

Apparently she....

"And even Liberace's smile"

Stop it!

# posted by Tony @ 12:36 pm

# posted by Tony @ 4:05 pm

"Sitting on a hillside
Watching all the people die"

# posted by Tony @ 4:01 pm

Rumours of it are gravely exhumed.

# posted by Tony @ 4:59 pm

No googling allowed. Answers later.

# posted by Tony @ 4:00 pm

PS: Jenny Macklin anyone?

# posted by Tony @ 1:28 pm

# posted by Tony @ 11:02 am

Back here....if the core formalities were a trifle mundane, the finalé was not. Ken was a pilot in Bomber Command and the service finished with his coffin, adorned in an RAAF flag, being wheeled out to the hearse The Last Post was played. A moving moment.

Cheers Ken. It was great to know you. Wherever you are….

Strike Hard, Strike Sure

# posted by Tony @ 12:50 pm

# posted by Tony @ 10:14 am

Fat Cat has a Fat Head

Some of you may remember Greg Ritchie. Some of you may not. Anyway, Fat Cat, as he is known, was a mediocre batsman during Aussie cricket's great era of domination abomination during the early to mid 1980's.

Fat Mahatma cranks it up a notch....

Bill, deader than a factory full of pans - "Caught Walsh. Bowled Bishop."

# posted by Tony @ 2:52 pm

Backflip with a twist.

# posted by Tony @ 7:16 pm

How have I neglected thee...

# posted by Tony @ 6:21 pm

First Test - Day 4

Ahem. Never in Doubt.

BUT! Forget all that. Here's the real story from last night....

[Gill Pie] received three LBW decisions from umpire Asoka de Silva - all of which appeared to be out....

# posted by Tony @ 12:06 pm

To be avoided at all costs!

# posted by Tony @ 11:52 am

First Test - Day 3

# posted by Tony @ 11:23 am

First Test - Day 2

# posted by Tony @ 1:55 pm

# posted by Tony @ 1:19 pm

Nightmare In Nasariya - The Jessica Lynch Story

Her Mum.

Her Dad.

Her Best Friend.

Her Pet Dog.

Her Wicked Aunt.

Her Rescuers.

# posted by Tony @ 12:12 pm

First Test - Day 1

Some observations from last night...

8) Haydos - Bad run out.

10) Pitch - Slow. May get difficult.

Prediction - Never make them until both teams have batted.

# posted by Tony @ 11:19 am

Lawyer guilty of Ambulance Chasing

The lawyer in Hot Pursuit.

# posted by Tony @ 12:30 pm

Virginia Trioli in another hard hitting interview with her mates in the Brunswick Street café set. This time it's some Green Fungus named Courtney regarding yesterday's Clown Antics on Sydney Harbour....

Trioli - "A good question. Courtney?"

Courtney - "Let's not forget the US armed Saddam."

Trioli - "Fair point. Thanks Courtney"

Where's David Marr?

# posted by Tony @ 4:30 pm

Psst, just put it in the bottom draw

The Fraser Brown incident was the straw that broke the camel's back and allowed the AFL to finally expose the great Blue Sox Scandal of '02. Really though, it was only an official revelation and came as no surprise to a sceptical footy public that had long suspected the Carpetbaggers, sorry the Bluebaggers had been rorting the Salary Cap for years.

In fact, how it came about was sublimely simple. Based on his contract, Brown presented a claim for Superannuation to the AFL. Only trouble was, when the AFL looked at his contract they noticed it wasn't the same as the one Carlton had presented to the AFL. As Bingo used to say; "Oh-oh...It's Danger Island next!"! That set into motion a chain of events that saw Carlton spanked with all sorts of punishments and now they're just a Sour Grapes Bunch. "Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato." I digress.

Therefore, in light of those findings it comes as no surprise the AFL have insisted all players Cough Up The Goods to investigations officer, Ken Wood.

Also, Essendon have recently Had Their Problems with the AFL regarding Internet deals. Expect more to come of this as the AFL are no longer taking verbal agreements as proof of innocence . Let's face it, the Bombrés have said they had verbal advice from 'someone' at the AFL that the deals were kosha. If so, why not get it down on paper?

What else?....

At the end of last season, some clubs were struggling to fit their Total Player Payments (TPP) within the existing salary cap. The Football Manager of one of these clubs was desperate to sign a "Required Player" but also realised that the player's increased wage claim would have to be met.

Now, one way to provide a player with more money is to get him promotional work. This falls loosely outside the core strictures of the TPP. So, this manager agreed in principle that a total package of $500K would be acceptable. For this the player was going to get $400K from the club and $100K for promotional work.

However, this still left the club with little room to move when signing other required players. What did the Manager do? Simple. When the time came for the club to submit the TPP of the club to the AFL the manager presented a package of $300K salary and $200K promo. This would leave $100K available to satisfy another required player's wage claim.

When the President of the particular club heard of the arrangement he hit the roof and only some serious lobbying from the Football Dept (Coach, etc) allowed the Football Manager to keep his job.

# posted by Tony @ 10:30 am

Not Naughty

That other Tony, the one who occasionally blogs here, picked the wrong day to go gutter. See below. Cover eyes. Huh? Anyway, I wish he'd stop it because I just discovered this Refined Young Lady has linked to Chez Grog.

Whoa there! Did I say Not Naughty?!?

Just kidding Leesa.

Drop in. Say hello. She lives in Leeds. Or London. Or Liverpool. Or Luton. Lower Slaughter? So she'd welcome a chance to hear some English.

# posted by Tony @ 7:38 pm

But Naughty

Warning: This post is rated AO. It contains a sex scene and a celebrity. So grab the kids and read along.

Just heard a juicy piece of gutter goss from a friend in Perth. No names. No circle-work. But it seems a footballer, I'll call him John, from either Wet Toast or the Purple Haze (Not telling which) has some extremely appreciative fans.

Seems John was approached by a generous supporter and asked if he would like to take up a temporary position with the supporter's wife. The catch being that the supporter scrutineer the deal. John, at first hesitant, finally said he'd like to meet the missus. On meeting the good lady, who turned out to be a fair piece talented business woman, John agreed to the deal and they all retired to the supporter's love shack office to conduct the etching related arrangement.

Later on, with negotiations proceding satisfactorily for all concerned, John was surprised to feel a tap on one cheek followed by the supporter's startling request; "Mind if I join in?".

At this point John politely declined to complete procedings.

It's certainly is a very tight knit community over there.

# posted by Tony @ 10:22 am

Muhammad Chemical Ali - I AM THE DEADEST!

# posted by Tony @ 6:02 pm

Good Teacher!

Crazy Teacher!

Really Truly Crazy Teacher!

# posted by Tony @ 5:27 pm

I've lost count of the number of times I've heard a reporter ponderously declare...

"Nothing's clear here. It's the fog of war. Back to you Kent."

"I can't find my Martini. It's the fog of war Kent. Back to you."

"It's very foggy here Kent. It's the fog of war."

Seems the Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saed Al-Sahaf is a bit foggy on details too. Here He's Pictured wording up the world's media.

"I say! I say Boy! We killed..."

"...aallllll the Americans..."

"...and fed their..."

"...hands to Allah..."

"...and now there are no more..."

"...Americans in Baghdad!"

"What was that, Abdul?"

"Errrrr, a tank, your most excellent Excellency."

"See. I told you we're in control of the city."

You can't write that kind of material.

# posted by Tony @ 4:51 pm

Last week I suggested Mark Latham might be the next ALP leader. Unfortunately a weekend of football & Knightrider intervened so I didn't get a chance to reply to the comments. I thought I'd put my response up here rather than hidden away in a comments box buried beneath David Hasselhoff.

Peter suggests we "all thank god it isn't up to you, then". I'm not picking him because I want Labor to win. I'm picking him for the theatre. The excitement factor. Because as Slatts acknowledged; "Yeah, bring on Latham. I like the bloke. He's mad. Barking, fist-chewing, rockin-on-his-haunches, crackers! Reminds me of Kennett." Too right! I've had enough of Slimey Simey. He's a stone bore stuck between a right and a left place. Bring on the dancing pandas.

Caz hints at some salacious alterior ulterior other motive; "I can see why you'd like Latham Tony - he's into hooters and drinking like your good self." True. I'm good. I'm a well bred solid citizen. One who adheres stridently to the Protestant work ethic. In the finest push-it-down traditions of my Do The Boys Hall upbringing I'm no wolf-whistling construction site yob. More a Whiskey Galore, Carry On Up The Capital fan. I'd not suggested Iron Mark because of his fondness for Cheers & Chest Puppies. I didn't even know he was a hooters man. Although boobs and beer are an attractive accessory and I'd like to belt the odd taxi driver. Some deserve it.

Jim, not out sculling XXXX with his fellow Benders, comes up with a sensible suggestion. In short; "Latham. Waste of talent! Bright bloke. Good ideas. Weird tactics. Grub. Muscling up. Rude word. Beazley."

For me that's it. I reckon Latham will lead the ALP at some stage and I reckon his ravings lately are part of an attack-dog strategy from head-office. Kind of like Rob Hulls. What they're not are the careless foot in mouth blurtings of a halfwit. Expect Latham to pull his head in when his time's nigh. And don't discount the arselicking cracks. "Ooh-err." Those kinds of things bite.

I'm thinking along the same lines as Jim. Uncle Buck Beasley will probably get the gig. He's the one most likely to minimise an electoral rout. He may even win if there are plenty of post war problems. Kruddler's a blandoid dweeb and blandoids need a bit of tooth on them before they're taken seriously. Wayne Swan's keeping shtum. And even during this latest hands-across-the-pond brouhaha, Craig Emerson can't crack a sit down with the Yanks.

Whichever way you look at it, Crean's out.

# posted by Tony @ 3:41 pm

Sunday television? Bring back Epic Theatre!

On Channel 7 there's everywhere blowhard, Rex Hunt, and his travesty show, Footy For Fatheads. On Channel 9 there's Gary Lyon's slightly better, but still superficial, Footy For Pinheads. Channel 10's a no-go zone on ANY Sunday (Crap film, BTW) so I never bother tuning in. Bad pop, skateboards, motor racing and extreme cooking ain't my cup Pepsi Max. Dude. Channel 2 has that ridiculous wankfest whereby Fairfaxis of Evil smugheads sit around looking wise and nodding at each other. That's followed by a show about cows. I'd watch Lally Murray's Worrrrlllld Game of Phooooodboll, but reception in Tigerland means I can't see SBS through the snow.

Over on Foxtel there's news, sport, World War II and The Simpsons. You can miss them though, because they’re on all the time. Even when they're not. Work that one out. Foxtel also has the greatest disappointment in televisual history, UK TV. With all the great BBC shows there've been they end up showing Prisoner. Jesus.H.Re-run! It's not even British!

So. What did I end up watching? The classics, of course. Fox Classics. Kittnapped. Sly Stallone's Cliffhanger squeeze was in this episode. Before she became Maggie in Northern Exposure. At first I thought she was Dee Dee from Hunter.

Anyway, in case you didn't know, Kitt has....

1) Anharmonic Synthesizer
2) Auto Cruise
3) Auto Phone
4) Auto Roof Left
5) Auto Vac. System
6) Chemical Analysis
7) Convertible Mode
8) Emergency Braking System (x2)
9) Homing Signal
10) Map Search
11) Passive Laser Restraint System
12) Police Frequency
13) Super Pursuit Mode (x2)
14) Tinted Windows
15) Turbo Boost (x2)
16) Devon was gay

Tinted Widows?!? Sounds impressive. And, it gives me a chance to reprise the Greatest Picture Ever. And to mention one of the funnier moments from 90's TV....

In an early episode of Baywatch, Mitch and the gang had to stop a band of hoodlums who robbed LA banks and made their getaways in a souped up DUKW. After Mitch and the Babesquad had predictably thwarted the watery malefactors one of Mitch's gormless offsiders was tooling around in the super schwim-wagon....

Offsider - "Mitch! This thing's great. It's got a sat-com, GPS, chocolate armour, white pointer detector, super-hi-ya-charger, double overhead cam doorhandles and a killer stereo!"

Mitch - "Yeah, but does it talk?"

Encore! Author!

# posted by Tony @ 2:09 pm

I'll just point out that although GP linked to me this morning, this isn't some sad I-should-do-the-proper-thing reciprocity post.

It's simply a nod of agreement that Gaz made some Solid Points on picking up Kerry O'Brien with the PM Last Monday. I was amazed when Kezza tried on this low stunt....

KERRY O'BRIEN: "I don't imagine we look to Saddam Hussein for ethics, Prime Minister, but I hope we look to Australia, America and Britain for ethics."

This cheap jibe was accompanied by the kind of shit-eating smirk any sixth grade debating club loser would have been proud of. I almost expected him to sneer; "Ewwww, Mr Howard's got pooh on his shoe."

To his credit the PM didn't let Green Pen get away with his tawdry snipe....

JOHN HOWARD: "Don't try to score that point".

And went on to convincingly make his point. Again. Cop that Obie!

There's no doubt Howard's completely on top of his game at the moment and with every public appearance puts Slimey Simey further into the shade. I find it almost impossible to believe there won't be a challenge sometime in the near future.

If I was up to me, I'd pick Mark Latham.

"Whoa! Get a load o' Them Apples!"

"You're really packin' 'em in there, darlin'!" "KYAK! KYAK! KYAK!"

# posted by Tony @ 12:03 pm

"Tolstoy?!? Who's Tolstoy?!?"

Time for a new strategy. War Skools and Peace Skools.

All those teachers who want to teach the curriculum and allow students to make up their own minds can teach at schools like Melbourne High....

....which has banned teachers and students from discussing the war in Iraq except in special circumstances where the issue forms part of a particular subject.

As it should be. Not....

Teacher - "Johnny, what's the integral of Sine?"

Johnny - "Oil, Sir."

Teacher - "Oil, Johnny?"

Johnny - "It's all about oil, Sir."

Conversely, all those who'd like to fill the kiddy's heads with their own prejudiced nonsense can teach at schools like Sydenham-Hillside Primary....

The children at Sydenham-Hillside Primary School traipsed in after lunch, sweaty-browed and frowning. Earlier that morning, in Spira Antonopoulos's class, someone read out a list of war casualties. There would have to be a discussion.

Spira - "Now children. Face the back wall."

On the back wall is pinned a skeleton and on butcher's paper, dangling from the ceiling, is an impressive list of im- words: impetuous, impersonal, impair, imposter, implore.

Spira - "Discuss. Discuss. Discuss. Discuuussssss. You are getting sleeeee...."

Manpreet said the Americans were after oil.

Manpreet? Sounds like some sort of parrot. "Oil. Oil. Oil." Yep.

Which neatly brings me to last Monday when one of my students, John Fail, who's not 10 years old like Manpreet but 18, asked me....

JF - "Sir, do you support the war?"

TT - "Sorry, John. This is a maths class. It's got nothing to do with the war."

JF - "C'mon, Sir. We want to know what you think."

TT - "No can do John. Now, get on with your work."

JF - "You don't know anything about it, do you Sir?"

TT - "Don't be silly John."

JF - "I think George Bush is an idiot Sir."

TT - "Why's that John?"

JF - "He just is."

TT - "That's very clever John. Tell me, what's his middle name?"

JF - "Aww. I dunno."

TT - "What state was he governor of?"

JF - "Aww Sir. I dunno."

TT - "Do you know anything about him John?"

JF - "Not much Sir. He's a dickhead."

TT - "Get on with your work John."

So many questions. So many issues. So many problems. So few solutions. Fortunately, if it all gets too difficult I can seek the wise guidance of My Union.

NB: Once again, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

# posted by Tony @ 10:31 pm

As usual, Slatts Succinctly Points Out Saddam's Suck-up is in turn being sucked up to by Steven Mayne, Neil Mitchell and Ross Stevenson. He got off fairly lightly with Hinchy too. At least Dezza was prepared to be critical.

Thought I'd better remind readers that the Bagdad Rat works for Southern Cross Broadcasting who employ Mitchell, Stevenson & Hinch. Don't expect any strenuous criticism of Arnett while he's reporting for 3AW and 2UE.

As for Steven Mayne? He deems it a "grim day for war journalism". Personally I think it's a grim day for war journalism when, in the pursuit of hand-outs, a reporter is prepared to be critical of his own side. Especially when he knows those hand-outs are merely state sponsored spin.

As Arnett personally acknowledged; "There's a small island, inhabited in the South Pacific that I will try to swim to. I'll leave, I'm embarrassed." So ewe should be! Ewe can go home now!

NB: Slatt's post isn't properly embedded yet. When you get there, go Here Instead.

# posted by Tony @ 2:40 pm

Tony’s tired! Those four-day weekends are tough. And now it's term's end and I've got exams to mark!

Still having fun though….

Took a maths exam yesterday. As usual I sent the dumb shlubs (Dumber now I'm teaching them) to a break with the intention of starting at 9:30. They all darted off to the canteen oblivious to the fact that I was about to employ a Weapon of Mass Instruction. While they were off stuffing their faces with donuts, dim sims and diet drink, I was merrily erasing the memories from their programmable calculators.

The first one I came to belonged to a serial neveracheiver called Wayne Kerr (Say it fast). As I opened his calculator, out slipped a small piece of paper. I picked up a beautifully printed and colour coded cheat sheet. Most of the formulae diligently reproduced so that Wayne could hold it in his palm. A little later it occurred to me that he might have more mini assistants hidden away. Yep. Inside his pencil case was a list of algebraic procedures. On the underside of his ruler was a list of all the Trig functions.

When they came back I had them clear the desks of all bags, paper, pencil cases and loose objects. This took a couple minutes. Meanwhile Wayne was looking for his ruler. He hadn't yet put his pencil case away, but I could see him hoping I wouldn't notice it.

WK - "Sir, I've lost my ruler."

TT - "That right Wayne? Here you go, you can borrow mine."

WK - "But I need mine."

TT - "Why's that? Different scales on your's?"

WK - "Ummm, I’m used to mine. It's....." He suddenly realised I wasn't looking at him. I was LOOKING at him. Eyes wide. Shut's up. Grabs pencil case. Opens. Looks up.

At me brandishing his ruler.

The rest of the class caught on. "Sprung! You're gonna fail! Sucker! Ha Ha!"

I told him I could have left the cheat sheets in place and sprung him during the test. That would have meant instant fail. However, I was in a good mood and felt like enjoying the knowledge that he'd have to sit there and do the test and still fail. (24%)

More fun was in store. About ten minutes in, the first programmer, Richard Head, started furiously punching his buttons.

TT - "Problem Dick?"

Dick - "No.........Awwwww, Siiiiiirrrrrr! I'll fail"

TT - "Yes. You will." He did. 9%. I'm surprised he could program his calc.

Good times!

NB: Names changed to protect the guilty.

# posted by Tony @ 2:01 pm

IS Blogger down a lot, or does it just SEEM that way?
[null, {"document_url": "http://agblog.blogspot.com/2003/04/", "unformatted_src": "http://www.screamingmidget.com/images/mustard.jpg", "src": "http://www.screamingmidget.com/images/mustard.jpg", "formatted_filename": "mustard", "alt_text": "You are Mustard Guy!"}, null, {"document_url": "http://agblog.blogspot.com/2003/04/", "unformatted_src": "http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_odqSaWqLOFE/RfPJRRLKk7I/AAAAAAAAAAM/m74ae2A_SIs/s400/Cricketers.jpg", "src": "http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_odqSaWqLOFE/RfPJRRLKk7I/AAAAAAAAAAM/m74ae2A_SIs/s400/Cricketers.jpg", "formatted_filename": "Cricketers", "alt_text": " My Photo", "rendered_width": 220, "rendered_height": 157}, null, null]