Today I thought I need to change some things in my life, some big things, some small things.  This got me thinking how I need to go on a journey, one of myself. I have decided that dating is off the table for me for at least one year.  One year of not even thinking about it, not trying to engage in it.  I am just going to be with myself this year.  I am going to get to know myself better in that I am going to try to figure out what makes me, me?

I'm going back to the beginning, the first memories I had with my mom, then onward through the years of Ruth.... I want to see if I can find the moment in my past that I felt I didn't deserve to be loved?  When did that happen?  It certainly shaped me, allowed me to accept less as I felt I only deserved less.

I am hoping this journey will finally give me a small understanding as why I have accepted so little and expected even less.  I am thankful my oldest Andrea did not take on that weakness of mine, I am hoping Valentina will not, this time I am taking the time to really figure out why I behave the way that I do.

I know I have overcome a lot of challenges in my life and became better because of them but there are weaknesses inside of me that I really want to change and I think I won't be able to make those changes until I can figure out what it is that had me thinking so little of myself.

Along this journey, I have also decided to finally do something about my weight, first I am going to look into getting into a running club, I am just going to make the time.  I think it will be therapeutic for me and it will help me to feel stronger so I can start doing even more things I thought I would or could never do.

My eating habits have become lazy lately... really unbearable for me when I was eating so very healthy for 6 months and then I just let it go.  So now I am thinking of doing a 30 day cleanse again.  I am also going to get into a yoga class to teach myself to breathe, this next year I am taking care of myself.

I have chosen Monday August the 6th as the day I start.  I will have time to research the yoga and running club places and I will be able to get my kitchen ready.  I am going to measure and weigh myself and I will start keeping up with this on a weekly basis. "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
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