There have been several events that have taken place in Mumbai of late which I cannot let go without some comment.

For one, I must congratulate the Shiv Sena for tearing down posters of Kareena Kapoor’s bare back. Someone needed to do that, in order to save Indian culture and our collective sanity. [Link]

She is known as ‘Size Zero’ of the Indian Film Industry. So we decided, let’s just call her ‘Half a Bagel’. She is slim, sleek and sexy. Kareena Kapoor is taking Bollywood by storm since a year, and taking the paparazzi by frenzy whenever she is spotted with boyfriend and actor Saif Ali Khan. Off screen, Kareena, popularly known as Bebo in Bollywood, exudes a smaller-than-life, self deprecating persona. She always looks hopeful about her future, whether it’s family, films or Saif Ali Khan. She is unique. She has the sort of untouchable star quality about her. In person, she is quite remarkably beautiful and lean. So lean that she seems almost to be a trick of perspective.

I am sorry but this worshipping of super-leaness just has to stop. When your body seems to be an optical illusion (a trick of perspective) then you are not only a danger to yourself but also to society.  Here’s the deal. If I wanted to look at Kareena Kapoor’s bare back, I would be looking at a skeleton hanging in a dissection room thank you. If the vulgarity of that emaciated back is not enough, the sheer “Look we are a hot couple. Write about us” Brangelina thing that Saif and Kareena have going just has to stop. It just has to. I of course knew this kind of outrage was going to happen the moment Kareena, a person who specializes in getting press attention through wanton public displays of ” I am so hawt” affection (remember the Shahid Kapoor kiss), hooked up with Saif Ali Khan yet another person who likes to keep his relationships in the news. In case I appear too harsh,  I would like to say that I have nothing personal against Saif and Kareena—it is just that I always detested “couples” in college and school who would go out of their way to show everyone how in-love they were.

What I knew got them off, like I am sure it does for Saif and Kareena,  was not so much the fact that they were together but that so many of us others were not.

So Saifeena shoo shoo, go and adopt some babies like your inspiration Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie please and spare us displays of what a great couple you are. Please.

On the topic of hurting sentiments and Marathi pride, Sachin Tendulkar was rightfully dragged over the coals by Balasaheb for the following un-necessary remark.

” But I am an Indian first. And Mumbai belongs to all Indians.”

Yes Sachin, we know you play for Mumbai Indians. We got it dude. Now will you please go back, stop your franchise from retaining the services of Luke Ronchi (from Ranchi) and Saurabh Tiwari (from Bihar), score a couple of more centuries and not say anything that pisses off the great Balasaheb, his equally redoubtable nephew and their great Sena of supporters.

The third is of  Rahul Bhatt’s link with super-terrorist Headley. Now I am sure that Papa Bhatt, who specializes in turning his life-experiences into movies (as an example look at how many times he has flogged his affair with Parveen Babi, which some people may consider to be exploitative of the poor lady) will use this incident to make a movie (or two). Like handsome hunk bar-guitarist Amar (played by Emraan Hashmi) meets a hot-looking firang Sam (played by random beefed-up third-rate actor from Europe or the US), they get close, very close till Amar discovers that Sam is actually a terrorist who has come to finish off India because India has tortured its minorities.  The movie will then build on that dramatic conflict with stellar performances by Commissioner Chauhan (Avatar Gill), cocaine-snorting model Lucy (Kangana Ranaut) who pines for Amar, Pakistani handler Hawas Kashmiri (Gulshan Grover) with beautiful “Mushy”  music by Pakistani musical duo Pervez-Omar and lovely ballads like “Oh balaam ‘Ji Had’ kar di aapne” and hot foot-tappers like “Quatilana” (with a lounge remix),  “Toiba Toiba Tera Jalwa” and “Jaish-e-Jashn” (with trance mix) , finally leading to triumphant openings in Lahore, Karachi and an explosive one in Rawalpindi.

And I shall now leave you, off-topic, with a picture that was forwarded to me by Gurudutt Redkar, a picture that convinces me that there is God. And that not only does he have a sense of humor but that he loves “Gunda” as much as we do.
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