It's kind of wild, but I go crazy for it.

It's politeness.

How rude.

How unattractive.

Labels: blabbering inanities, turn-ons

posted by whyioughtta at 11:34 AM 14 comments Thursday, May 24, 2007

Gonna take you on a nature walk...

This post is dedicated to Fat Sparrow.

I'm taking her on a walk with me in the woods because I think it's unacceptable that her wildlife contact consists of bugs, roadkill, and that one mangey catfish at Mexi Mart (what the hellfire and damnation is Mexi Mart, anyways? Don't answer that.)

So, FS, here is your first hike in the Canadian woods with me and my canine boy-child. This is your host for the day: Chico. Chico is a very, very large Chihuahua. (Well, he could be...look at those ears.) Chico say: Hola Fat Esparrow. Que tal? No te apuras...I am going to take you on a very especial nature walk today. You are rrrrready? First, though, you'll need to get yourself a pair of these bad boys. $15.00 cash and $4.99 in Canadian Tire money buys you the SUV of boots. They'll get you through your mud holes, your bogs, your slimy mossy areas, your flooded lowlands, your wet farmers' fields, and your rock piles. One of the best things about early spring in the woods up here: no bugs yet, but lots of beautiful budding things. This is a trillium...not sure if you have those down in Cali4neye-ay. This whole place is crawling with 'em. Aren't they lovely? You may be interested to learn that a trillium plant has to live for many years before it will produce a flower. The purposefully arranged pile of rocks in the middle of this photo is an inukshuk. Although it's an Inu (Inuit) tradition, you see these all across Canada. They're used as markers, to give directions, mark a path, indicate a great blueberry-picking area, etc. I don't know what these little purple flowers are called, but they smell like a mix of lilac and rose...very pretty. They cover the forest floor in early spring. Okay, now we're moving from the deciduous (leafy-tree) forest into a cedar (evergreen) forest. It gets messy in here, but it's always dark and damp and that breeds all kinds of interesting things... ...you'll definitely need these in here... These plants grow like little vases, directing water down to their roots until they're strong enough to spread their leaves. Cool eh? These mushrooms are whack. Here's what you see when you look up. And when you look down. Here's a feather for you, FS. Chico say: Fat esparrow, we're going to cut through this farmer's field. I hope you no mind...errr....I may have to take a leetle dip to cool off first . Phew. It's getting hot. Let's cut through the old quarry. The trees are in bloom. The birds are singing. And Chico is making friends with the locals. Canada Geese are notoriously mean. Chico may need an eye-patch when this is all over. A little more walking... ...And we're home. Have a seat. I'll get us some refreshments. Hope you enjoyed yourself! Labels: Chico, nature tally, walking

posted by whyioughtta at 8:38 AM 16 comments Friday, May 04, 2007

New! Nature tally feature When you have nothing new to say, just haul out a new blog feature. Today I'm introducing my Nature Tally feature, over there on the right, wherein I'll faithfully report to you all of the cool wildlife I've seen on that day's walk in the woods with Chico, my canine boy-child.

I like counting things. It's just a thing I do...counting...seconds, minutes, pairs of shoes, animals, blades of grass, birch trees, street lamps...Okay maybe it's more of a sickness.

What'll be interesting about the nature tally is that I don't see nearly as many animals in summer as in fall/winter, so...Okay, maybe that's not that interesting.

Anyhow, hopefully the otter family will move back in at the quarry down the road. They're always good for a laugh and they'll boost my tally numbers.

Have a great weekend.

Labels: Friday afternoon, nature tally, OCD

posted by whyioughtta at 2:37 PM 8 comments Wednesday, May 02, 2007

More boobies than you can shake a stick at before stabbing yourself in the eyes with that stick and then stabbing out the memory part of your brain... It's been a crappy, shite-strewn, poop-laden, besuckified, terrible two weeks. I'll spare you the sob story(ies), but there were tragedies real and imagined, and I'm praying for the sweet oblivion of Friday night inebriation.

Making the shittiness even shittier was the self-loathing that drove me to watch two of the worst movies I've ever had the bad luck to scratch my eyes across: Click and Showgirls.

Yes, I had never seen Showgirls/meyourtits.

Worst movie ever. Even worse than this, this, this, and, yes, even this. Not even endless, dizzying exposure to hundreds of deliriously funny naked jiggling boobies could mitigate the eggy fart that is the Showgirls script. I can't believe Charlotte's husband Trey was in that. And that he had fake bad-acting sex with that terrible blonde booby life support system. The sex scene in the pool reminded me of a seal hunt video I recently saw on the World Wildlife Federation site. It amazed me that a graphic sex scene could have the effect of actually sucking all the moisture out of my reproductive system. It's so bad that there aren't enough words in all languages combined to describe its badness, so I'm not even going to try.

And then the boobish badness reproduced. Click. There's a reason this movie shares its name with canned abattoir leavings that taste of ass. Chris Walken, I weep for you. You are dead to me. Adam Sandler. Shame! Shaaaaaame! At what point did you say to yourself, "you know what this movie really needs? In addition to a rancidly twee premise, a cloying, sanctimonious plot, the expulsion of Christopher Walken' soul to the lower rings of hell, and that inexplicable 8-minute scene where I colour-adjust my own face with the universal remote? Gratuitous slow-mo bouncing boobies!!! YEAH!!! SOMEBODY CALL THE ACADEMY!!!!"

I have nothing more to say of this.
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