Being the hairiest dead CLE media celebrity in the great beyond, the PD's wise man Tom Brazaitis is in demand. Luckily, he's had a thing for me since Ted Stepien's private room at the Theatrical, so I got dibs.

Last nite, Tom makes me a highball, we start with the foreplay and whatnot, on my way down, I see this tattooed on his ass. My "nose for news" ain't what it used to be, but who can think about sex when a scoop is staring you in the face plastered across the hairiest ass in the afterlife? I cut right to the chase.

"This some kinda joke, Tom?"

Tom gets cheeky. "Trail gone cold on your scoop, Dot?" I pull the handcuffs and horsewhip outta my jewelry box, he gets the message right quick. "Cough it up, Tom, or shit gets real."

"Easy! EASY!" Tom starts begging, then spills the beans. Apparently the Plain Dealer lost it's "County In Crisis" typeface now that this guy is on the take from, you know, the county. "Whole newsroom is lookin' for this font," Tom says. "Well, here it is, right on my hairy ass."

I pick up the phone, call Elliot Ness. "Hey!" Tom whines, "we're in the middle of somethin' here!"

"Not anymore." Ness picks up, I let him have it. "Since when does a guy running for county executive on the take from, HELLO, the COUNTY get a free pass from a newspaper that's spent the last half decade prancing around shouting COUNTY IN CRISIS?"

"I'm on it, Dot," Ness says. In that voice. The voice that gets me to forget about Brazaitis's hairy ass then and there.

"Tom, I got work to do. Pull up your pants and hit the road."

"Take your fancy tattoo over to Del Donahoo's new place, I ain't got time for games." At Ness's place, we go at it for an hour or two, light a couple Lucky Strikes, then get down to business over a Tom Collins.

"Ness, if the PD is ignoring this....." Ness winks.

This scoop is wearin' me out.
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