Ladies and gentlemen. May it please the court:

Whatever you choose to think of what we’ve DECODED thusfar, Rap Genius remains Not Guilty By Reason of Mental Illness..

The charges include: (i) knowingly and willfully distributing obscene material to orphans; (ii) attempted mayhem; (iii) shoplifting the pootie; (iv) felony mopery; and (v) multiple counts of Rap IQ pimpery As an unrelated aside, certain Rap Genius contributors may need to consider pleading nolo contendere to the occasional lapse in good taste. (Kidding. Kind of.)

Patient History

Back in the day before Heisenberg cooked up his first batch of blue crystal (but long after he cooked up his uncertainty principle) before RapGenius.com was even a neural synapse misfiring inside a giant ego, a great American physicist noted that insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Why thank you. I do spend an inordinate amount of time brushing my mustache Some days, working at the offices of Rap Genius LLP is like working in a shoe factory in Saipan: posting bail for deviant ungrateful clients; imploring self-proclaimed drug kingpins to pay their taxes; setting up offshore investment vehicles to hide gambling and pimping income; negotiating licensing agreements; etc. Shit gets old. And if clients fucking up their own money isn’t bad enough, we often have to consider compromising our integrity in the name of pageviews.

Rap Genius LLP is all business and it turns out that all work and no play makes for some ill homeys.

A Vote for Insanity

To break up the monotony around the office we circle-up for a weekly vote to determine our favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes. Last week 36 of us voted yay for “America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed,” but 2 bitch-made dudes voted yay for:

Lil' Roosy could care less about who the GOAT is The majority of us were outraged by the vote. After the founders ordered a Code Red, those 2 bitch-made dudes were lowered into a vat of moldy parakeet diarrhea and later savagely beaten to death with several Run D.M.C. gold dookie chains we stole from Jam Master Jay’s grave. But after the funeral, we started to think that maybe those 2 dudes were actually onto something.

Exibit A: The alleged murder weapon: Has the success of Rap Genius been silently destroying our brains like early-onset ninja Alzheimer’s? Did all the hype around the explication of “Empire State of Mind” give us a “Buhloon Mind State?“..

After all – like Vince Van Gogh – we put our heart and soul into our work, and we may have lost our minds and our ears in the process.

This fou-rou’s gonna need some custom headphones Over the next bit of made-up amount of time, we grew increasingly concerned about our brains shrinking because the task of exegesis is – by its very nature – a never-ending loop of lather and rinse. So, we circled-up for another vote and decided to get group counseling. It was time to get it together and concentrate on our illness.

A Whole New Diet of the Mind

35 hours of sharing, crying and introspective psychoanalysis only left us with a $17,500 bill and several unrepressed memories-of-incestuous-childhood-molestation.

But then – a breakthrough. Our psychiatrist, Dr. VonBooty, finally had us chiggity check ourselves and then assured us that we could earn a bona fide “License to Ill” if we performed a comprehensive exegesis of the Beastie Boys’ 3rd album “Check Your Head.”

Cover art from The Beastie Boys supremely ill 1992 album We agreed to decode “Check Your Head” in time for Spring Break.

Coming soon to Panama City Beach, Negril, Nassau, South Padre Island, Vegas, Acapulco and Can-muthafucking-cun:

Beastie Boys Check Your Head: DECODED.

Till then: “Mens sana in corpore sano” (Loosely translates to “Drink more Patron”.)
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