Watch out for the cross-dressing purse-snatcher

Now today's story that seems to be created by mad libs:

"A cross-dressing robber snatched a 74-year-old woman's purse in St. Lucie West on Tuesday before a faux breast popped out of his tube top, according to a police report released Thursday."

It's all in the story. Along with a description of who you should be looking for. It seems he/she won't blend into a crowd well:

"The assailant wore a short jean skirt, tube top and white flip-flops, weighs 130 to 140 pounds and is of thin build. He sported shoulder-length hair with maroon hair attachments in a dreadlocks style."
Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:09 AM Florida again having voting problems

Democracy again reigns in Florida:

A hunt will launch at daybreak today for the roughly 2,500 missing Palm Beach County ballots from the Aug. 26 primary, the latest turn in an election plagued by counting problems.

Man, that state really struggles to count votes. I hope that the presidential election doesn't hinge on which way Florida goes. We might not have a new president until 2010.

One the positive side for Florida, it does have enough resources to deploy an "armada" of county workers to help clear up the voting problem.
Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:38 AM Thursday, September 4, 2008

Mr. Show: Mustard and Mayonnaise together

One of my favorite shows used to be Mr. Show, featuring the great David Cross (of another great show, Arrested Development). Below is a classic sketch from it about a fictional product that is only slightly ridiculous when you compare it to some of the dumb products we have on the market.

The sketch is the kind of totally overdramatic commercial you can see regularly on TV. Pay attention to the lyrics that David Cross is singing in the last segment.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:53 AM At least my son is returning from school

After the first week of kindergarten, things are going well for my son, Ryan. He comes home excited and with lots of stories to tell me. What he doesn't come home with, unfortunately, are many of the things that are supposed to be in his backpack at the end of the day.

On the first day, he forgot to bring his water bottle home from lunch. The next day, he forgot to bring home the plastic container that held his afternoon snack. By the end of the week, he had left two snack containers, two water bottles, and his entire lunch box at school.

Yesterday, the lunch box made it back home. So did one water bottle. But as for the rest ...

"I didn't have room for it in my backpack," Ryan said.

He must have quite a stash in his cubbie at school.
Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:45 AM Wednesday, September 3, 2008

A Denny's Grand Slam, plus a dramatic show

Not that anyone needs any more reasons NOT to do drugs, what with all the public-service announcements, educational programs and sightings of Amy Winehouse, but here's another:

If you do drugs, you might try to cut your arm off in a Denny's.

A 33-year-old man who tried cutting off his arm inside a busy Denny's restaurant because he believed it would save his life was arrested Friday night, according to Modesto police.

The story has all the details, including how he tried a butter knife and then a butcher knife.

"He wouldn't obey a substantial number of commands and continued to stab himself," a police officer said. "There were some tense moments, but a lot of patrons didn't know what was going on."

Yes, that doesn't happen often at Denny's. Even when the kitchen is falling behind on gettin' out the Grand Slam breakfasts.
Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:14 PM It was a UFO ... just look at the photo

A man claims he saw a UFO that was a massive fireball the size of an airplane. He's not crazy. He said other people saw it, too. But in this time of technological wonders, one cruddy photo is what he has to prove his claim.

You really get the feeling you're looking at a fireball. Just plain scary to look at.
Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:41 AM Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Chicken Fried Bacon is the winner The State Fair is less than a month away, so it's time for the Big Tex Choice Awards, which annually awards the person who takes a normal food and deep fries it. This year's winner: Chicken Fried Bacon.

I know the fair is about having a good time and not worrying about a diet, but sometimes too much grease is disgusting. Some of the other entries were deep fried s’mores, fried chocolate truffles and a fried banana split.

Some of the other (unconfirmed) entries:

*Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly drenched in Fried Kool-Aid

*Deep-Fried French Toast with Deeper-Fried Syrup

*That former crispy food on a stick now even crispier and stuck on a double-fried french fry with gravy

*Heart attack in a waffle cone

*Deep-Fried Midway Tickets

In a few days, the State Fair Web site has a way to search for food at the fair. Categories will nclude French food, Cajun food and Asian food, but shouldn't there be one for miscellaneous grease?

Or how about one for most unneccesary fried food? The fair always has a few of those each year, and all that grease doesn't sit well if you take on one of the wilder rides.

"Hooooowdy fooooolks ... welcome to the State Fair of Texas ... my stomach hurts."
Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:03 AM Matt Wixon: Humor Me Follow @mattwixon Newest columns

Humor Me: Growing up with Santa visits

Humor Me: Your relatives as Thanksgiving dishes

Humor Me: For dads, the rollercoaster is worth it

Humor Me: A fender bent and a lesson learned

Humor Me: The bloody-nose family portrait

Humor Me: Is Black Friday dying?

Humor Me: Want my feedback? Cut back on the surveys

Humor Me: The classic family road trip

Humor Me: Fathers grow with their kids

Humor Me: If only we had replay review for our lives

Humor Me: The Winter Olympics viewer's guide

Humor Me: Super Bowl party guests to avoid

Humor Me: '80s Christmas lights nightmares

Humor Me: Black Friday scavenger hunt

Humor Me: I'm an adult, you can't scare me

Humor Me: Throwing away the kids' crafts is tough

Humor Me: The back of the station wagon

Humor Me: Fathers believe in your crazy dreams

Humor Me: Old memories, new bruises when roller skating

Humor Me: Sorry Girl Scouts, no more cookies

Humor Me: In praise of dogs, in memory of Maggie

Humor Me: The official New Year's Resolution Ditch Day

Humor Me: A grown-up Christmas magic

Humor Me: The worst holiday brag letters

Humor Me: Another lavishly weird Neiman Marcus Christmas

Humor Me: How bumper stickers could decide the election
[null, null, null, null, null, null, null, {"document_url": "http://mattwixon.blogspot.com/2008_08_31_archive.html", "unformatted_src": "http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_IWikkALYOIk/SL1ZZzT75LI/AAAAAAAAAHM/MYP3qXHGZkU/s320/bigtex.jpg", "src": "http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_IWikkALYOIk/SL1ZZzT75LI/AAAAAAAAAHM/MYP3qXHGZkU/s320/bigtex.jpg", "formatted_filename": "bigtex"}, null, null, null, null, null, null, null, null, null]