Financial infidelity may be the new normal. In a recent survey, one in three Americans (31%) who have combined their finances admitted lying to their spouses about money, and another one-third of these adults said they’d been deceived. 
 
 The online poll, commissioned by ForbesWoman and the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE) and conducted by Harris Interactive, surveyed 2,019 U.S. adults from December 17 to 21. Among both offenders and victims, the leading money crimes were hiding cash, minor purchases and bills. Meanwhile, a significant number of people admitted hiding major purchases, keeping secret bank accounts and lying about their debt or earnings. 
 
 “A third of the population admits to not being honest with their spouse,” says NEFE chief executive Ted Beck. “That is a big number. These indiscretions cause significant damage to the relationship.” 
 
 Among couples impacted by financial infidelity, 67% said the deception led to an argument and 42% said it caused less trust in the relationship. Perhaps most alarming, 16% of these respondents said the money lie led to a divorce and 11% said it led to a separation. 
 
 “Betrayal regarding money can be just as painful and damaging as other kinds of cheating,” says Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. When a partner is caught concealing huge amounts of debt or involved in money-related addictions, the result can be a “total loss of trust, feelings of betrayal and destruction of the relationship.” 
 
 Seattle-based Theo Pauline Nestor, 49, learned this the hard way and eventually published an account of her experience, How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed. She and her husband were happily married for 13 years until one day in 2003 when she noticed a curious dip in their joint checking account. When she confronted her husband, a real estate agent with unpredictable hours, she discovered he’d been secretly gambling for years. Not only had he opened several credit cards without her knowledge, he’d racked up thousands of dollars in debt. 
 
 10 Red Flags Your Partner Is Lying About Money 
 
 “It was terrifying,” she recalls. “My biggest fear was that we would lose our house.” 
 
 The couple had two children, ages five and nine, and Nestor made a modest salary as a part-time writing instructor at the University of Washington. Ultimately, fearing for her children’s future and bewildered by the long-term lies, she filed for divorce. 
 
 “It felt like finding out about an affair,” says Nestor. “But when your spouse cheats sexually, you can walk away and it’s gone. When they cheat financially, you have to live with the effects for however long it takes to dig out of the hole.” 
 
 According to the survey, over half of all financial cheaters admitted hiding cash (58%) or minor purchases (54%). NEFE’s Beck says this is particularly concerning, as small lies often compound over time to become increasingly larger and more harmful deceptions. Of the offenders, 30% have hidden a bill, 16% have hidden a major purchase, 15% had a secret bank account, 11% lied about their debts and another 11% lied about the amount of money they earned. None of this surprised Nancy Chemtob, founding partner of matrimonial and family law firm Chemtob Moss Forman & Talbert LLP in New York, who says she’s seen it all. According to the survey, money deception occurs equally across income levels—no matter if you’re earning $30,000 or $300,000. Chemtob only accepts clients with a net worth of $5 million or more and has observed that having more money only means more elaborate schemes. 
 
 Example A: she once worked with the owner of a hedge fund who secretly spent millions on a mistress. In five of their 10 years of marriage, his wife had no clue that he was spending over $20,000 a month on the other woman, ultimately buying her a house, car and extravagant jewelry. 
 
 Another of her clients is in her 30s, remarried and has a son from a previous marriage, Chemtob says. Three years ago, she lied to her new husband that she wasn’t receiving child support. She was. Now he pays for the child’s expenses and private schooling while the woman stashes about $7,000 a month in a hidden bank account. 
 
 In one of the most extreme deceptions Chemtob’s come across, a 20-something woman fabricated her entire financial history. The original lie happened on the first date. Because he was very well-educated, successful and high-earning, she didn’t think he’d like her when she told him she didn’t have a degree or a job. She lied, saying she had her masters and a salaried position. 
 
 The woman continued the fib while they dated and into their eventual marriage. When he left home for work, she left too. When he returned home in the evening, so did she. Because he was so successful, he paid for everything and never noticed that she didn’t have an income. Eventually he did discover the truth and promptly filed for divorce. 
 
 Boston-based family therapist Carleton Kendrick has been counseling couples for over 30 years and says money deception has become a huge issue in the last decade. He suspects the ease of using credit cards and purchasing online may make the act easier but doesn’t explain the lies. 
 
 Kendrick says the chief reasons people lie about money to their partners are pragmatism, control, guilt and fear. The pragmatic lie may result from planning an eventual split and not wanting the other to know how much money is available. Financial infidelity for control may include revenge spending, as one partner overspends to prove their independence or to get back at the other for something lacking in the relationship. Knowingly irresponsible behavior may cause guilt and embarrassment, so the person attempts to cover it up. Deceit may also occur because they fear their partner’s reaction to the truth. 
 
 10 Red Flags Your Partner Is Lying About Money 
 
 Kendrick notes that how we are raised influences our money philosophies in relationships and can create some gendered behaviors or assumptions. “Girls still see their mothers at check-out, saying, ‘We won’t tell Daddy about this; it will be our little secret,’” he says. 
 
 The survey revealed that men and women are equally guilty of financial infidelity, though women were slightly more likely to say they’d caught their partner. Differences emerged in men and women’s perceptions of their partner’s guilt, however. Men were more likely to say their partners hid a minor purchase from them compared to women (59% vs. 44%, respectively). Women were three times more likely to say their partners lied about their earnings (23% vs. 8%, respectively) and also more likely to say their partners lied about the amount of debt they owed (38% vs. 26%, respectively). 
 
 NEFE’s Beck advises that couples have the money talk early–well before marriage–to avoid money lies in their relationships. If you are already married or in a committed relationship, he suggests using tax season as a nonthreatening way to ask your partner questions and gain a better grasp of shared finances. Those who suspect or discover that they are currently victims of financial infidelity should first figure out how deep the lies go and gather all the details. 
 
 One-third of those in relationships impacted by money deception say they have resolved to do something this year, with most planning to communicate more openly and create a shared budget for 2011. 
 
 10 Red Flags Your Partner Is Lying About Money ||||| I’d like to make a confession. 
 
 I watch Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” I know. Don’t judge me until you hear why. 
 
 Michelle Singletary writes the nationally syndicated personal finance column, “The Color of Money.” View Archive 
 
 I’m intrigued by many of the housewives’ shows. I used to watch the ones about the women in Orange County and New York. But these days, it’s just the Atlanta version. 
 
 To my husband’s dismay, I’m hooked. Whenever he walks in and catches me absorbed in shows I’ve recorded, he turns around in a huff, mumbling about shallow people with grating personalities. In my defense, as I try to talk to the back of his head, I frequently argue that there are lessons to be learned from the materialistic musings of these women. 
 
 In particular, I was disturbed about a recent story line involving Kandi Burruss, a singer and businesswoman who technically wasn’t even a housewife. She got married in April to producer Todd Tucker. But leading up to their wedding, the couple fought over the prenuptial agreement Burruss demanded that Tucker sign. 
 
 The fighting was ugly. Burruss didn’t seem to want the man she said she loved to walk out of the marriage with anything more than he came in with. If they split, Burruss wanted Tucker out of her mansion within 30 days. And if she died, he would get nothing, according the discussion they had on the show. 
 
 When you watch any of the “Real Housewives” shows, you see a lot of emphasis on material things — big rings, brand-name purses, houses, cars — and a lot of unhappy people despite their wealth. Lesson: More money doesn’t mean happily ever after. 
 
 Which brings me to the reason I’m telling you this — the next Color of Money Book Club selection. This time, I’m reaching a little to pick a book that doesn’t appear to have anything to do with money — but it does offer lessons. I’ve selected “Happy Wives Club” by Fawn Weaver. 
 
 Those of us who work with couples fighting about financial issues know that it’s rarely just about the money. It’s often about something else that manifests in overspending, miserly behavior or micromanaging what your spouse spends. 
 
 This year, the National Endowment for Financial Education released the results of a survey about financial infidelity. The organization found that roughly one in three adults who have combined their finances admitted they had hid a purchase, bank account, statement, bill or cash from their partner or spouse. Not surprisingly, the overwhelming majority of folks who have been deceptive say their actions affected their relationships. 
 
 If you think your marriage is in trouble because of money, perhaps you need to examine your relationship. 
 
 Are you happy? 
 
 If not, what can you do to take the focus off your financial fights, which you assume is the source of your unhappiness? 
 
 Here’s a start: Read “Happy Wives Club.” Weaver went on a tour of 12 countries to talk to women who were happily married. She started HappyWivesClub.com to counter the negativity we see and hear about marriages. 
 
 “The truths at the core of a great marriage are so stunningly simple — we can live by them every day without getting caught up in the little things that rear their ugly heads,” writes Weaver, who has been married for 10 years. 
 
 It’s refreshing to read about real housewives who, despite various disagreements, adversities and even infidelity, have found ways for their marriages to work. In one chapter, “And It’s All Just Stuff,” Weaver interviews Annett Davis, who competed in beach volleyball in the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Money has sometimes been tight for Davis and her husband, and yet they never let the rough financial times affect their marriage. 
 
 “We made some poor investment decisions, had foreclosures, and lost all our material possessions,” Davis tells Weaver. “But we never lost us. Our family was not negatively impacted by the loss of stuff. It’s just stuff.” 
 
 There is a travelogue feel to Weaver’s book, which makes it a nice summer read. This is not a marriage-advice book. It’s not meant to demean or criticize people in bad marriages or who have divorced. It offers insights into the lives of couples who have supported each other to success. 
 
 “Sometimes the husband supported the household, and sometimes the wife did,” Weaver writes. “Which spouse brought in more money didn’t matter. The respect and support of one another is what mattered.” 
 
 I’ll be hosting a live online discussion about “Happy Wives Club” at noon Eastern on Aug. 28 at washingtonpost.com/discussions. Weaver will join me to take your questions. Let’s talk marriage and money — or just about what it takes to be happily married. You can send questions in advance of the online chat to colorofmoney@washpost.com. Please put “Happy Wives Club” in the subject line. 
 
 Write to Michelle Singletary at The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or singletarym@washpost.com. Comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer’s name, unless otherwise requested. To read more, go to http://wapo.st/michelle-singletary. ||||| Kourtney used to say that if her husband ever cheated on her, she’d “leave him in a heartbeat.” But after she got a hold of her husband’s laptop one night and found eight graphic selfies that another woman had sent to him, things didn’t seem so black-and-white. Oh, she was furious about what turned out to be an affair, and even “took the wedding photo off the wall and threw it across the kitchen, and shattered glass went everywhere.” Yet Kourtney, who only wants to use her first name, didn’t leave. “I chose to stay.” 
 
 
 
 Despite all the chatter about the death of monogamy, some couples are deciding to remain married — even after one spouse cheats on the other. According to a recent study by researchers at Indiana University, nearly 1 in 5 women and almost 1 in 4 men in monogamous relationships reported having cheated. It’s unclear exactly how many knew that their significant other strayed, though infidelity rates have held fairly steady over time — while divorce rates peaked in the 1980s. These days, couples and therapists say, infidelity is much more survivable than many of us think. 
 
 Both partners often show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. 
 
 As Kourtney discovered, gadgets like smartphones and tablets have certainly made it easier to slip a sexy pic someone’s way and facilitate a steamy affair. But they’ve also made it easier (for some, at least) to find an incriminating email, text message or online dating profile. “It’s not that the affairs happen more or less, but they certainly are uncovered more,” says Jay Lebow, a psychologist and marriage and family therapist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. People generally also want to have better relationships, and they tend to talk more about them, Lebow says, so they’re more likely to ask questions if a partner becomes distant. Hence all those questions about that new Facebook friend. 
 
 But what happens when someone stays after a loved one strays? Both partners often show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, says Kristina Coop Gordon, a professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee, who — along with colleagues Donald H. Baucom and Douglas K. Snyder — developed the first empirically tested method for treating couples in this situation. Betrayed spouses typically experience symptoms common among people who’ve suffered physical trauma, including flashbacks and numbness, while betrayers may feel anxiety provoked by the thought that they’re not actually the person they thought they were, says Gordon. 
 
 What’s realistic is to move to a point where it doesn’t dominate your life … 
 
 A growing group of therapists is now working to help couples recognize and process these different feelings when one partner drifts but the couple decides to stick it out together. One change they’ve noticed in recent years is how much people tend to expect from their partners — and how much it can hurt when they learn of their spouse’s cheating ways. “We tend to want our partner to be everything — our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our financial partner,” says Elana Katz, a family therapist and senior faculty member at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York. But most people have fewer confidants today than they did in the past, and because expectations are higher, when an affair comes to light, it can be very alarming, Katz says. 
 
 Gordon and her colleagues focus on getting betrayed partners to forgive — but not necessarily forget. “There’s no way in heck that you will look back on the affair and feel happy about it or even not feel angry about it,” Gordon says. “What’s realistic is to move to a point where it doesn’t dominate your life and you don’t hold it over the other person.” She’s also working on a program designed to spark the kind of soul-searching discussions an affair tends to provoke — before an affair ever happens. 
 
 Certainly, not everyone can get past an affair. Just ask Katherine Eisold Miller. The New York City-based collaborative divorce attorney estimates that infidelity has been a factor in as many as half of the divorces she has worked on throughout her 28-year career. Most divorces are difficult, of course, but when one partner has been unfaithful, “there’s an edge in the discussions that wouldn’t otherwise be there,” Miller says. 
 
 Holly Sox could have ended up in one of those contentious proceedings. But after discovering that her husband, Mike, had had an affair a few years ago, the South Carolina resident says that a combination of therapy, their faith and advice from couples on the site SurvivingInfidelity.com (which they don’t have a financial stake in) helped them build a stronger relationship. In fact, they have even renewed their wedding vows. “The worst day I’ve had in the last three years,” says Sox, “is still better than the best day we had before.”
– Infidelity isn't always the stuff of illicit affairs. A new survey shows that 31% of Americans who combine their finances with a spouse have lied about money to said spouse. "Financial infidelity may be the new normal," writes Jenna Goudreau at her Forbes blog. The most common misdeeds were hiding cash (58%), hiding minor purchases (54%), and hiding a bill (30%). But a decent number admitted to hiding major purchases (16%), keeping a secret bank account (15%), and lying about debt or earnings (11%). “Betrayal regarding money can be just as painful and damaging as other kinds of cheating," says a psychotherapist. It, too, can lead to "total loss of trust, feelings of betrayal and destruction of the relationship." For those feeling a little suspicious, Forbes has a list of 10 red flags (defensiveness, insistence on handling bills alone, etc.) to look for.