tw sexual assault physical abuse spanish first language sorry advance mistake ampxbi cisgender heterosexual womani raped  yo boyfriend time tried penetrate anally failed raped vaginally shame told parents months later tried rape get to never confidence sex again mild encounters never ended bed brief online relationship   yo now due bad economical situation pandemic etc living parents house note aside parents physically abused since  years old till around  belting punches etc messed logic beats homeless journey rediscovering sexually past months dealing interiorized shame guilt overcoming step step help online friend benefits decided buy sex toys first time life attempt fully sexual life again still dealing shame guilt toys seemed working felt rewriting sexual life positive notebut middle argument parents in shaming depression age life caused failed attempts achievement life goals poor economic situation decided tell knew sex toys disgusting slut repeatedly called disgusting slut disgrace shame hourmy mind immediately went back  years day assault felt disgusting deserved it talked long distance fwb  days he helped regain sexual confidence supported felt ashamed sexually due past trauma know even approach him cannot bring eat drink either even hungry left room even want peak outside know see parents talked all locked room desperately trying find apartment move even going money even buy food feel like slowly fading background could disappear moment like flawed matter anymore deserve love ever get it cannot stop crying everyday feels work trying overcome happened crushed instant feel helpless cannot bring ask fwb help reassurance scared back feeling sexually numb like years honest parents words got bad even know make sense felt shame toys felt like garbage telling am one many problems barely mentioned sometimes make think pain worth it needed vent thanks reading made far progress gone