Letter from Osama Bin Laden to the President

Dear Mr. President

I am writing this letter to thank you for cooperating with my plans. I also want to express my admiration for your awesome ability to follow policies which favor my cause. Furthermore, I want to express my sincere thanks for the assistance provided by your advisers. What they have done for me has surpassed my most optimistic expectations. I am referring to the Sharon boys at the Pentagon.

I am so grateful with you that I have decided to tell you my two top secrets. But don’t tell anyone without thinking twice. Least of all to that blubber mouth Cheney. For Allah’s sake not a word to him. He is like a wild elephant in a china store. He will spit manure from both sides of his month and spoil everything . I wouldn’t mind that you confide in Aunt Condy or Uncle Colin and even Rumsfeld. Aunt Condy has an ear to ear mouth, but nobody pays attention to what she has to say. Uncle Colin does not count. He is only your messenger boy. I wouldn’t worry about Romsfeld either. If you tell him the true nature of my top secrets he will turn them into lies and nobody will believe him..

Here is my first secret. I didn’t have anything to do with the 9/11 attack. This is the truth and nothing but the truth. So help me Allah. It was an exclusive initiative of my Saudi and Egyptian brothers. It was not an expensive operation but a clever act carried out by them. Of course I knew of their plans and they had my moral support. I would have been happy to help them financially, but from my caves I did not have any access to my money. Actually they used their piggy bank savings and pennies collected by our boy scouts.

The Sharon’s boys at the Pentagon thought that 9/11 fit nicely into their boss political agenda as well as yours. Actually, it was the other way around. It fit into my agenda. Nevertheless, you went along with their advice and blamed me and Saddam Hussein for the 9/11 action. I never thought I would be so lucky. I declared myself guilty.

Then you were advised and agreed to attack Afghanistan and Iraq. You were also advised to demand the Talibans to tun me over to your torturers. They ignored that the concept of honor is the most respected currency in our society. More than the goods and services. They also ignored that blood ties surpass all affiliations or loyalties. This is the reason why my Taliban brothers did not betray me despite your $25 million price for my head and the fact that I was in a very poor country. I was their guests and these brothers have a sense of loyalty and respect with their guests. They even gave me four Taliban girls who, were a celestial treat. This is one of the important reasons why I am so grateful with the Sharon boys.

The advice given to you by the Sharon boys actually fit nicely into my agenda. Do you know why? It is because your military operations in the Moslem world, validated our assertion that you are an enemy of Islam and support any country which is willing to kill or persecute us.. The untouchable taboo about the one way relationship of your country with Sharon policies is now commented all over the world. Now everybody knows that he has managed to tighten the ties that link your gigantic country to his tiny nation. As you say, a tail wagging the dog.

One more thing Mr. President. Your advisers never thought that each time you soldiers kill an Iraqi child and his mother a hundred new enemies emerge. When you pound into dust a populated areas you have thousands of new adversaries, and all have cousins who live in other Islamic nations. Thanks to their advise you have managed to insult and alienate the entire Moslem world. And now they want you to attack Syria and Iran to complete their boss agenda. I am an understanding enemy. I hope you follow their suggestion.

We are not camels with blinkers in our eyes? We can see clearly that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are lost causes. We know that your country is totally incapable to create legitimate governments in any of those chaotic nations, only puppet governments, supported by your bayonets. Their butts must be hurting badly.

Now you are fighting a world Islamic insurgency. None of the lies your advisers invented for your war against us have anything to do with freedom or democracy, as you constantly repeat, but with your actions and policies in the Moslem world., particularly with y our unconditional support to Sharon policies and the destruction of Iraq. I’ll be honest with you. Now the entire world knows that for cheap and easily accessible oil you provide support to all the tyrants we oppose and want to overthrow. Because the Islamic world is enraged for your actions in the Middle East, our resistence brothers are considered not as crazies or terrorists, but as heroes who fight against your occupation, abuse and pillage of our oil resources.

Your invasion of Iraq completed the radicalization of our brothers, which was precisely my objective. Ha, ha, ha! Now you confront our defensive Jihad, which is our military reaction provoked by your attacks against our Islamic faith and against Moslems in a Moslem country. We are defending ourselves more and more. It does not matter what your media propagandists say. Now the Moslem world is thoroughly convinced that you are leading a crusade to destroy anyone who is opposed to your policies, to suppress the political role of our faith, to eliminate our welfare institutions, to impose your Western values over the Islamic world and support puppet governments, which in your dictionary means spreading democracy. Come on Mr. President! Give us a break..

The beauty of the whole mess is that if you remain you will bleed endlessly. If you withdraw, which I know you won’t, you’ll face a political disaster. You really don’t have a strategy as I do. Your are only on a pay as you go plan. But it is a very expensive in blood and treasure and eventually will lead you to an economic cesspool. Yak! You are not in one but several Catch 22 situations. The great thing is that by hook or by crock – as they did before – your admirers are going to select you as a Whit House tenant for four more years.. Hurray! Let me know if you want my financial and technical assistance for your re-election.. I ‘ll be glad to provide it. It would be great for my very simple agenda.

As I said before, I just wanted to enlist the entire Moslem world against your policies , your Saudi puppets and lackeys of other Moslem countries. The Sharon boys cooperated beautifully with my plans. I knew that you were a little week in geography and history and thought that Africa was the capital of Ecuador, New Zealand a tourist resort in Mexico, and Don Quixote the liberator of Japan. I was convinced that these facts and your cow boy mentality would lead you to a war against us that your country cannot gain. I was right. Now 1300 million brothers are against you. Praised be Allah!.

I’ll end my long tirade by saying that I fervently wish that you keep the Sharon boys at the Pentagon. Do you know why? It is because they work for me and further my cause. . This is my other top secret.

Your sincere enemy

Osama Bin Laden