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9yo girlfriend's daughter hates me

Billy25's picture

I have been with K for 6-mos and we were on our way somewhere significant in our relationship. Her daughter A and I got along great, I helped her with her homework, helped her with her piano lessons, and we just had fun laughing and getting along. She is a brilliant kid and her mom K is unlike any woman I've ever met.

The daughter saw her mom kiss me and she flipped out. She began having serious behavior issues about "the divorce". Her dad is pretty much a deadbeat troublemaker. K has a hard time talking to her daughter about things. The daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with me and K has retreated completely to "focus on A".  Our relationship has pretty much evolved to nothing. I told K I would wait for her. I feel a calling of sorts because this little girl is so remarkable and needs a strong male role model in her life. My daughter is a college athlete and I have a tremendous relationship with her...A deserves the same.  I've coached girls sports for 8 years and several of my kids are now playing in college. A deserves all  the goodness in the world and I feel like I am in her life for a time like this.  I just don't know what to do. I feel sometimes like walking away but I just can't. 

MrsStepMom's picture

DO NOT involve yourself with someone with kids. Spend a few hours reading the stories here. NOTHING good comes of it. I am now divorcing due to the terrorist. DO NOT ruin your life. RUN RUN RUN NOW!

Oh and holy red flag. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN MET HER DAUGHTER YET let alone be doing those things. This woman is making some poor decisions. That isn't about you, that is just not how you do things with kids.

Letti.R's picture

As a matter of interest, to me, at what point do you suggest meeting someone's kids and what sort of interest or non-interest do you advocate?

MrsStepMom's picture

Well 6 months is when you should be meeting them, earliest, not already involved. Pretty much any parenting book is standard on this. You need to be sure the relationship is serious and solid and has a future before you introduce the kids. Then you do it slowly; a trip to the park together, ice cream, dinner, and grow.

I would also say that you are not the father and shouldn't take the father role of homework help, etc. But that being said I really do NOT think anyone should date someone with kids. Read the posts here to see why. The kid will eventually hate you (or now does), become a teenager, tantrums, mom coddles, etc etc.

I just ruined my life to marry my husband and the SS has now ended the relationship (well mostly my husband allowing SSs behavior to end it). Take the advice of everyone here and don't put yourself in such an awful position. It works out well about 1% of the time and you are not the 1%.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I honestly don't know that there is anything for you to do at this point. K has retreated, which is out of your control. This is just the beginning of the issues with A. It sounds like you're a good person who wants to help, but in step-life, you can have the best intentions and do everything you can to be there for skids, but you simply cannot control how other people respond to it. A has decided she doesn't want you there. If your and K's relationship was strong enough, you could possibly survive that (although it would be miserable- see the millions of stories here about skids who don't want the SM or SD there)...but it sounds like at this point, it isn't strong enough. I would walk away.

Let me put it this way- K has already made the decision to back off. You can't force things. I would let her go. And unless you are 1000% sure she is your absolute soul mate and you couldn't possibly love another woman as much as you love K, I wouldn't wait for her. Being with someone with kids is HARD. Being with someone whose kids don't want you there is one of the hardest things you will ever do (Mine like me and it's still one of the hardest things I've ever done. If you can avoid step-life, do so at all costs.

And I'm not even the kind of person to advise people to run. But in your case, I think walking away is your best (and only) option.

Letti.R's picture

When parents allow kids to call the shots you will be in for a world of trouble.
You are seeing behaviour from the mom and the kid that signify a difficult future - and you will lose to the kid.
Every time.
Your relationship has already dwindled to nothing.
Walk away and find someone who better understands how to deal with their kid/s or someone without children.
People like your girlfriend and her kid is the reason this site exists.

notarelative's picture

Her daughter doesn't hate you. She hates anyone who takes her mom's attention away from her. 

Her mom has made a choice. She has chosen to let her child control her life. Accept her decision.

You now have a choice. You can wait for a woman who will never be emotionally available or you can walk away and find someone who will willingly share your life.