How to win the heart of a woman

Written by walter

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Our world is full of triviality and absurdity; some are ignorable; some, disturbing. In certain parts of the world, cheap impostors normally attach themselves to various authorities, dead or alive. One simple scheme is quoting. Episode 1 here is a harmless quoting, but the second episodes are somehow disturbing.

Episode I: My old grandma was naturally spiritual. Since we had no clock around the house, she would go outside, in the sun, among the passersby, and would turn round and round and use her arthritic crooked middle finger as a shadow-casting object to determine the position of the sun in the middle of sky, for 12 noon prayer.

At dusk, she, suffering from eye cataract, would use two strands of black and white chords, and wait for the moment when both black and white merged and became indistinguishable to start her evening prayer. At her time, our village was not lucky to have Chinese megawatt loud speakers.

My grandma had a king-size manuscript scripture, much bigger than a laptop. She had inherited the holy book from her parents. It was so repeatedly leafed through that the corners were irreparably dog's-eared, but the antiquated Chinese paper, called Khanbaliq, Beijing, invented in 105 AD, were as firm as a US dollar. What was unbelievable was her ability to read and not to write the entire text with ease.

Episode II: My grandma had a brother who also possessed a unique book, 1224 pages, 24 chapters, still being reprinted. It is on properties of seeds, herbs, veggies, plants, animals, traditional drugs. It has chapters on weird topics: alchemy, capturing 7 planets, mind bending, magic, poison, insect repeller, drug blending, pills, drinks, jams, tisanes, mouth washes, ophthalmology, ointments, pomades, hot-packs, suppositories, hair-dyes, masks, weight-gaining, skin drugs, aphrodisiacs, veterinary, stain removers and, in particular, well-guarded secrets.

The compiler quotes Al-Thabit ben Qurra, 826 - 901 A.D., physician, astronomer and translator, from Greek to Arabic, as authority or testimony, to have said: "Cook gently on a low fire both the gall bladder of a black Catopuma, (Felis moormensis), and eyes of a hedgehog. Next, add some suitable eye cosmetics, Kohl. Then, put it in the eyes. Night vision shall be available as vivid as day time."

"Gently pierce a tiny hole through a chicken eggshell. Next, completely siphon the white out. Then, inject the semen of the client through the tiny hole! After that, seal up the hole and cover the egg with horse dung for 40 days to turn it into a lump (blastula, gastrula, first cloning?). Dry it. Ground it. Add sugar. Before breakfast feed the compound to the woman whom the male client desires to possess, of course, on an empty stomach. Such a woman shall have great passion to sleep only with the man whose semen has produced the lump and no one else."



Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot


Continue ? Find out more