Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Remembered: What Cannot Be


December 8th, 2003. I was 19 weeks into my first pregnancy. I had had a headache for the past weekend, so I stayed at home that day. My mother-in-law picked me up and drove me to the doctor's office.

My appointment wasn't with my regular doctor, but with a very young man who looked like he wasn't old enough to drink. He was very nice as he took my blood pressure. He was very nice when he told me that I needed to go to the hospital because of my blood pressure.

I still hate that guy.

I hate that he was so nice.

Nice that day implied that my situation wasn't serious.

Nice did not convey the fact that I was in the process of dying.

That doctor was so nice that I didn't understand what he was saying at first, when he came to tell us that our baby was going to have to come out. He had to repeat himself.

Pre eclampsia. Which NEVER happens at 19 weeks, I have been told.

My husband got it; he understood what was going on. I was the one who had to hear it multiple times. I stared blankly at these people telling me what I didn't want to hear. Didn't this sort of thing happen a lot? Didn't they know what to do? People did this all the time. All I had to do was stay in bed for the rest of the pregnancy, and everything would be okay, right?

No. It wouldn't be okay.

My body knew what would happen before my heart did. Just as I was fighting to keep my daughter, Zoe, my water broke and the decision was made for me. I didn't even feel her dying inside of me. Shouldn't you feel something that tells you that a life is passing from your body, even if it's not your life?

And I was done. Finished. Whatever happened to me after that moment was white noise. I asked the nurses for something so I could lose myself in sleep. Maybe when I woke up, this would all be a dream. I just could not deal with the reality.

The next morning, my OB was there, standing at the foot of my bed with that Nice Doctor. I felt a small red burst of rage; if he had been there, this wouldn't have happened, I thought. That anger subsided as quickly as it flared; I truly had given up.

I knew that I was dying, and I guess that I didn't care. That was pretty selfish of me, because my husband was grieving, too, but as they wheeled me out of the room away from my family and my friends, I did not want to live. But I did live.

And I have a beautiful, wonderful, healthy son who lights up the dark places of my heart. I smile and laugh with him and I love him fiercely.

But still...

I live every day wondering if my daughter would have looked like me.


  1. Such a painful memory. Thank you for being brave enough to share it.

  2. As a mother of two, I can't imagine having to endure that kind of loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

  3. I am in tears. I cannot imagine the pain you went through. I cannot. My first son was born Dec. 13, 2003.

    The missing of the one who is not there never completely goes away, does it. Hugs to you.. xo

  4. Wow, that is so painful to read, I can't imagine living it. We miscarried our first child, and I had pre-eclampsia at the end of the pregnancy with my son. I've not heard of it happening that early. You poor thing. Thank you for sharing that memory.

  5. It is nearly impossible for me to comment on this, it was so honest, so clear, your emotion so vivid that it brought tears to my eyes. And your last line? So beautiful in its longing, wondering, dreaming.

  6. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure there are many moms who are facing what you have been through who could benefit from your story.

  7. oh I'm stopping by from Remembered.

  8. There are so many things in life that I cannot claim to understand or imagine, and I do believe that must be about the most difficult.Your painfully honest words give such a raw glimpse.

