Friday, October 23, 2015

Cube (1997)

Starring: Maurice Dean Wint, Nicole deBoer, David Hewlett

Run time: 1:30:00



Hidden Gem: All of the characters are named after prisons.

Total Kill Count:

             Horror Film: 8
             Entertainment: 8
             Gore: 6
             Overall: 7.5

Bones (2001)

Starring: Khalil Kain, Bianca Lawson, and Pam Grier

Homicidal Maniac: Snoop Dogg as Jimmy Bones

Run time: 1:36:00




Total Kill Count:

             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 8
             Gore: 6
             Overall: 5.5

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Annabelle (2014)

Starring: Annabelle Wallis, Ward Horton, and Alfre Woodard

Homicidal Maniac: A Demon Within a Doll

Run time: 1:39:00





Total Kill Count:
Annabelle's Boyfriend (17:00) Shot Gore Rating: 5

             Horror Film: 5
             Entertainment: 4
             Gore: 5
             Overall: 4.75

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

5 Creepiest Scenes in Children's Films

Have you ever been disturbed by a movie when you were little? Of course you have. Stumbling across your parents watching The Exorcist or something sickening. But what about movies that were made for kids? What if one of those movies could disturb you to your core and give you nightmares?

Be sure to subscribe to The X-Loads!!!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Land of the Dead (2005)

Starring: Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper

Run time: 1:36

Rant: 20 years have passed since Day of the Dead. I guess it's time for another zombie movie directed by the master himself. This time the effects are done by Greg Nicotero who is pretty damn incredible. Not only has he done The Walking Dead, From Dusk Till Dawn, Scream and plenty of other scary movies but he's done a ton of non-horror as well like Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2, Unbreakable, Boogie Nights and many many more. And of course he's from Pittsburgh. Why wouldn't he be?

This movie has such an interesting cast. Simon Baker (The Mentalist), John Leguizamo (Casualties of War, Carlito's Way, Spawn), Asia Argento (xXx, daughter of legendary director Dario Argento) and Dennis Hopper. There's some cameos too from Tom Savini, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright. Phil Fondacaro even makes an appearance. For the most part everyone does a good job.

There's a lot going on in this one. Most of the survivors are hauled up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, surrounded by the rivers. Dennis Hopper plays a characters named Kaufman who is pretty much in charge of the city. He's hides in a high rise called Fiddler's Green. Leguizamo's character Cholo wants to movie into Fiddler's Green but Kaufman won't let him. So Cholo and his crew steal this giant tank called Dead Reckoning and escape. Kaufman hires the main protagonist Riley, played by Simon Baker, to find Cholo and retrieve Dead Reckoning. While all this shit is going on there's an intelligent zombie named Big Daddy who is leading a bunch of other zombies into the city.

The gore is excellent as you'd expect and the characters are fine. Obviously he's gonna try to throw his point of view in there but the evil rich guy vs. the nice poor fellow is just cliche as fuck at this point. Also the music is pretty boring.

I'm being pretty harsh but this movie isn't that bad at all. I'd consider it good. There's a lot of interesting ideas in there it's just compared to the first three movies in the series Land of the Dead falls short. For anyone else this is a good awful horror movie. For George Romero this is a mediocre awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: As I said before Tom Savini makes a cameo as a zombie dressed very similarly to his biker character in Dawn of the Dead.

Total Kill Count: 
Mike (14:47) Shoots himself in the mouth.
Chihuahua (29:39) Shot in the head.
Soldier (39:55) Eaten by zombies.
Manolete (54:13) Shot in the head after being bitten.
Mouse (58:57) Eaten by zombies.
Kissing Woman (1:02:59) Taken by zombies.
Soldier (1:05:53) Head ripped off by a zombie.
Soldier (1:06:23) Shot by zombies.
Soldier (1:06:35) Hand cut off and blown up by grenade.
Motown (1:08:20) Shot in the head.
Sutherland (1:09:04) Shot by Kaufman.
Random guy (1:11:12) Cut in half by Tom Savini
Random guy (1:13:49) Throat eaten by zombie.
Random guy (1:14:01) Face ripped off by zombie.
Random guy (1:14:04) Entrails ripped out by zombies.
Random guy (1:14:31) Set on fire and shot by Big Daddy.
Random guy (1:17:49) Eaten by zombie.
Random lady (1:17:57) Eaten by zombie.

Kaufman and Zombie Cholo (1:27:44) Blown up by Big Daddy.

             Horror Film: 7
             Entertainment: 6
             Gore: 9
             Overall: 7.2

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Day of the Dead (1985)

Director: George A. Romero

Starring: Lori Cardille, Terry Alexander, Joseph Pilato

Run time: 1:40

Rant: The year is 1985. We've gone from a shitty little house to a shopping mall to an underground bunker. The setting is different, the characters are different, the decade is different but zombies still walk the earth and George Romero and Tom Savini still don't give a fuck. Savini tears it up in this motherfucker. It could be his best work. I think he watched the Italian zombie movies and tried to show them who the real badass special effects artist was. Either that or he just reached his prime. Either way, Day of the Dead in a serious artistic achievement.

So a bunch of soldiers are hauled up in a bunker with a scientist and some other people. The scientist is studying the zombies and trying to train them like dogs. Richard Liberty plays Logan or "Doctor Frankenstein" to the soldiers, and he does a fantastic job. All the performances are great. As always there's the hateable fuck you want to die. This time it's a military Captain named Rhodes played by Joe Pilato. What a bastard. I'd say the shining performance is Sherman Howard as Bub. Bub is a zombie who the doctor has been working with. Who would have thought.

Just like in Dawn of the Dead the action sequences are incredible. I would love to see a movie like The Terminator or Robocop directed by Romero. The music is excellent as well. It's done by John Harrison who also did the music for Creepshow (1982) and Effects (1980) which is another Tom Savini movie. It reminds me of a John Carpenter score.

I think it's pretty much the consensus that Dawn of the Dead is George Romero's best zombie movie. With that being said I think Day of the Dead is just as good, if not better. All it's missing is an element of fun. This is an incredibly serious movie that even plays into that whole 80s/Reagan/soldiers are evil/Platoon/Casualties of War bullshit. Day of the Dead is a masterpiece of an awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: Greg Nicotero plays the soldier named Johnson who's shot and killed in the movie. He was Tom Savini's protege and did the effects for The Walking Dead. Tom Savini has stated The Walking Dead has the best zombies he's ever seen.

Total Kill Count:
Miller (58:26) Neck bit open by a zombie.
Johnson (58:27) Shot with a machine gun.
Logan (1:12:12) Shot to death by Rhodes.
Fisher (1:14:44) Shot in the head by Rhodes.
Miguel (1:23:37) Eaten alive by a horde of zombies.
Torrez (1:27:04) Head ripped off by zombies.
Rickles (1:28:05) Face ripped off by zombies.
Steel (1:30:28) Shoots himself.

Rhodes (1:34:13) Shot by Bub and ripped in half by zombies.

             Horror Film: 8
             Entertainment: 9
             Gore: 9.5
             Overall: 8.6

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Director: George Romero

Starring: David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott H. Reininger

Run time: 2:19







Total Kill Count:
Rod (7:31) Shot in the head.
Bad Guy (7:48) Shot in the chest.
Bad Guy (7:58) Shot in the chest.
Bad Guy (8:01) Shot in the chest.
Bad Guy (8:20) Shot in the chest.
Wooley (9:41) Shot in the back.
Random Lady (11:35) Bit by zombie.

Stephen (2:07:54) Eaten by zombies.

             Horror Film: 8
             Entertainment: 9.5
             Gore: 9
             Overall: 8.6

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Director: George A. Romero

Starring: Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea, Karl Harman

Run time: 1:36

Rant: Here it is. The black and white, low-budget classic that not only started George Romero's legendary "Dead" series of movies but created the zombie genre we know and love today. If you've ever purchased a 20 or 50 HORROR MOVIE collection or anything like that, this is usually the only good flick of the bunch. Another thing this movie is famous for is having a black man play the lead role, as it was uncommon in the 60s.  Also a really depressing ending that was interpreted as a social commentary. Romero has stated the ending was in the original script before anyone was cast, saying it was simply a case of "mistaken identity." The movie took on a life of it's own, not only as an important awful horror movie but an important movie in film history.

But fuck all that bullshit. Does this son of a bitch hold up? Yes and no. Of course you have to look at it through an eye of the times and realize this is a legendary director's first movie. That being said, some things are inexcusable. Judith O'Dea plays Barbara. She's fucking garbage. Nothing gave me more pleasure than seeing Ben punch that white bitch in the face. With the exception of her I'd say the acting is solid overall. Karl Hardman does a great job playing the annoying fuck Harry, and Duane Jones is terrific as the hero Ben. As great as they are their fight scene is horrendous.

What I love about Night of the Living Dead is there's no fucking around. 5 minutes into the movie shit goes crazy and you're not even given a chance to know what the fuck is going on. Why are the dead rising? Why must they feast on human flesh?! Who gives a shit? You don't ask these questions. It all happens so fast you don't give a fuck. This movie is about survival and how these characters interact with each other during a crisis. That blended with a simple but excellent story makes for great horror. Night of the Living Dead is no doubt a classic and one of the most important awful horror movies of all time.

Terrible Lines: "Stop it! You're ignorant!"

Total Kill Count:
Johnny (7:10) Hits his head on a tombstone.
Tom and Judy (1:11:58) Blown up in a car.
Harry Cooper (1:23:13) Shot by Ben.
Helen Cooper (1:25:08) Stabbed to death with a trowel.
Barbara (1:26:09) Killed by zombies off-screen.

Ben (1:33:36) Shot in the head.

             Horror Film: 8
             Entertainment: 8
             Gore: 6
             Overall: 7.5

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Director: Yoshihiro Nishimaru

Starring: Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao, Yukihide Benny

Run time: 1:48 

Rant: Before anything, I would like to say this movie has the greatest opening scene in the history of cinema. I will not tell you what it is, you just have to see it for yourself. Incredible. Tokyo Gore Police is widely considered to be up there with Dead Alive, Ichi the Killer and A Cat in the Brain as one of the goriest movies of all time. Is what they say true? Of fucking course. This doesn't just hold it's own against those movies. It may just blow them out of the water. How Ricki-Oh: The Story of Ricky blends gore with martial arts, this movie does the same with gore and action.

Okay, so in the future there's these lunatics called Engineers. When an Engineer is cut or one of their limbs are severed, a weapon will grow out of the wound. Ruka is an Engineer Hunter. She's fucking brutal. Everyone in this goddamn movie is brutal. You can't just kill an Engineer. You have to fucking butcher them. Cut their insides out. Tear their brains apart. It's fucking gross. Remember in Last House on the Left when the lady bites the guy's dick off? Imagine they showed it...

The story is sort of awful. There's twists and turns but it really doesn't matter. Most of the effects are good but some of them seemed rushed. If you're a gore fan you'll have a ton of fun with this movie. It isn't strictly horror, mostly Action/Sci-Fi, almost like the retarded nephew of Blade Runner. It even reminds me a little bit of Robocop, with it's silly fake commercials they play through-out. This could possibly be the goriest awful horror movie of all time.

Fun Fact: The main character of the film Ruka is played by Eihi Shiina. Japanese horror fan sickos will recognize her from Takashi Miike's classic Audition.

             Horror Film: 6
             Entertainment: 9
             Gore: 10
             Overall: 7.7

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Magic (1978)

Director: Richard Attenborough

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Ann-Margaret, Burgess Meredith

Run time: 1:47

Rant: In the spirit of Jurrassic World I might as well review a Richard Attenborough flick. Honestly I just wanted to watch this movie. Dolls, toys, puppets and dummies. A lot of those kinds of movies are shit but others are some of my favorite awful horror movies.

Corky, played by Anthony Hopkins, is a magician trying to make it big. He's doesn't find any success until he starts using a dummy named Fats. Eventually he goes on Johnny Carson and all sorts of shows like that, and NBC offers him a pilot. Corky goes into hiding, saying he's afraid of success but in reality it's because he believes he'll fail the required medical exam. Shortly after we learn why.

Anthony Hopkins is fucking great in this movie. At first Corky seems cooky but innocent. Strange but very likable. About 40 minutes in he gets creepy. At the hour mark he straight-up murders a motherfucker. Burgess Meredith plays Corky's manager. There's an excellent scene where he challenges Fats not to talk for five minutes and Corky can't even last three.

This is a great movie. It takes it's time, and it's not incredibly violent or gory but it's extremely weird and very suspenseful. The performances are all fantastic and Fats the dummy is creepy. Honestly, all dummies are creepy. "Magic" is an underrated awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: William Goldman wrote the novel and the screenplay for this movie. Some of his other credits are:
Marathon Man (1976) Novel, Screenplay
The Princess Bride (1987) Novel, Screenplay
Misery (1990) Screenplay

Total Kill Count: 2
Ben Greene (1:03:56) Drowned.

Duke (1:23:53) Stabbed to death.

             Horror Film: 7
             Entertainment: 7.5
             Suspense: 8.5
             Overall: 7.5

Monday, March 16, 2015

P2 (2007)

Starring: Rachel Nichols, Philip Akin, and Simon Reynolds

Homicidal Maniac: Wes Bentley as Thomas

Run time: 1:38:00

Quick Synopsis: A woman locked in a parking garage is stalked by a psychopath.

This is pretty straight forward "woman locked in where every the hell alone" movie.   There are no twists or tricks (the antogonist is revealed early in the film) and everything happens as you would expect.  What makes this one stick out is the over-the-top manner in which the movie was made.  This starts with the gore, which is borderline silly during a broken nail scene and many of the kills, including the death of dog (Aja gets off on killing animals I think) that appears to come back to life Michael Myers style for a minute.   Nothing in this film epitomizes over-the-top more than Wes Bentley, who definitely steals the show.  I am definitely not say they he is Christian Bale (at all), but I saw a lot of Patrick Bateman in Bentley's character.  He definitely helps the audience get through the film entertained.  Rachel Nichols does not do too bad either.  That is really important in a movie like this.  If the two leads in a movie like this are awful, a movie like this will always be awful.  If the leads are decent, they will be able to cover up some of the movies warts.  Given this fact, P2 is a decent awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: The movie was filmed over a two month period at a working Toronto parking garage.  Scenes were only shot at night.

Hidden Gem: Wes Bentley stated in an interview that the only reason he took the role in this film to have enough money to support his cocaine addiction.

Total Kill Count:
Jim- Simon Reynolds (46:00) Hit with a car multiple times Gore Rating: 9
Karl- Philip Akin (1:00:00) Found Dead/Struck in Head Gore Rating: 3
Thomas- Wes Bentley (1:32:00) Caught on Fire Gore Rating: 2

             Horror Film: 6
             Entertainment: 6
             Suspense: 4
             Overall: 5.5

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Chain Letter (2009)

Starring: Nikki Reed, Michael J. Pagan, and Keith David

Homicidal Maniac: Michael Bailey Smith as Chain Man

Run time: 1:36:00

Quick Synopsis:  A group of teens are terrorized by a maniac because they refused to keep a chain letter going.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Lurking Fear (1994)

Director: C. Courtney Joyner

Starring: Jon Finch, Blake Adams, Ashley Laurence

Run Time: 1:17

Rant: Written and directed by C. Courtney Joyner, Full Moon fans will recognize him as the writer of Puppet Master III, Doctor Mordrid and Trancers III (which he also directed). This movie is based on an H.P. Lovecraft story entitled "The Lurking Fear" which is pretty different than the film.

The main story is set at a church where some people are going to kill these monsters. There's money buried in a grave so some criminals come and fuck up everyone's plans. Eventually the monsters attack and try to drag people underground to their lair.

This movie is decent but it could have been better. The performances are alright. Ashley Laurence (Hellraiser) and Jeffery Combs (Re-Animator) are in this so it has that going for it. The effects of the monsters are fantastic but the explosions are some of the worst. For a movie that's only a little over an hour long there's a lot going on but you're never confused. It's based on H.P. Lovecraft and stars Jeffery Combs so naturally you'd want to see Stuart Gordon direct it but he obviously doesn't. Disappointing. This is a slightly below average awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: Vincent Shiavelli plays Knaggs in this movie. He's been in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Amadeus and Batman Returns.

Horror Film: 5
Entertainment: 6
Gore: 4

Overall Rating: 5.0

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Nature of the Beast (1995)

Starring: Eric Roberts, Lance Henriksen, and Brion James

Run time: 1:31:00

Quick Synopsis: Two men travel through a highway while the cops search for a murderer and a thief.

I am pretty sure there are two types of people when it comes to this movie.  Either you enjoyed the movie or you never heard of it in your entire life.  Kinda similar to how people feel about the film's star Lance Henriksen.  The movie also stars Eric Roberts and together they control the show and create a memorable story.  It is one of the rare horror-(ish) films that are both a good ride and a strong payoff.  Most will love the movies twist, others will discover it early but they won't be insulted by it.  Salva attempted to trick the audience a little too much in my opinion.  Sometimes creating scenarios that seem a little illogical later in the film.  Nothing that cannot be explained with decent arguments, however, they still exist.  I think it is important to reiterate how good the two leads were in the film because without them some of the films minor flaws would have stuck out a little bit more.  Mr. Salva must have a hard on for highway killers, he also directed the Jeepers Creepers films.  This film has a much darker tone to it that makes it stand out from those films that followed it.  Nature of the Beast is an underpublicized awful horror movie.
Fun Fact: While the film is set in Nevada, it was actually shot in Southern California.  California Freeway 14 was on of the highways used.

Hidden Gem:  Director Victor Salva plays a customer at the start of the movie.

Total Kill Count:
Car Owner (2:00) Killed in Car with Hatchet Gore Rating: 1
Patsy- Eliza Roberts (22:00) Hatchet/Offscreen Gore Rating: 2
Gerald- Sasha Jenson (1:01:00) Hatchet/Offscreen Gore Rating: 1
Dahlia- Ana Gabriel (1:01:00) Hatchet/Offscreen Gore Rating: 1
Adrian- Eric Roberts (1:25:00) Hatchet/Offscreen Gore Rating: 1
             Horror Film: 7
             Entertainment: 8
             Suspense: 6
             Overall: 7.0

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

No Tell Motel (2012)

Starring: Chalie Howes, Johnny Hawkes, and Andrew McFarlane

Homicidal Maniac: Ghosts and Heath Whitelock as Matthew Hogan

Run time: 1:24:00

Quick Synopsis:  Five friends find themselves stranded at a haunted motel.


This is going to be a relatively short review since there is not much to see here. Below average acting, awful acting and terrible execution is the simplest way to describe the movie. The attempted story is a bit cliched but not horrendous, however, the flaws mentioned above are enough to make the movie nearly unwatchable. I will give them some credit for not doing too many of the "ghost movie scenes" that many of these recent awful movies love to do all the time. They tried to spice things up and steal shit from movies that are a little older. I'm happy that I didn't enjoy the movies build-up or climax, though. Since the films final scene is absolutely horrendous and goes against the character's apparent personality throughout the film. I can see how some dummy could think that the scene would go over well, but they did not think it through since they are a dummy. The character probably deserved his fate but you can't let it go down that way or let the main protagonist seal her fate the way she did. No Tell Motel is a throw-away awful horror movie.

Fun Fact: This was Brett Donowho's directorial debut.  Three years later we still Dononwho (see what I did) this guy is.

Hidden Gem: Who doesn't want to take a pregnancy test in abandoned, dark-ass, dirty motel?
Total Kill Count: 8
Angela- Rileigh Chalmers (2:00) Hit by Truck Gore Rating: 3
Rachel- Chelsey Reist (18:00) Hit by Truck Gore Rating: 5
Corey- Angel McCord (32:00) Head Smashes off Metal Box Gore Rating: 5
Kyle- Andrew McFarlane (56:00) Overdose Gore Rating: 2
Grigor- James Tyce (1:06:00) Throat Stabbed Gore Rating: 6
Mary- Stephanie Van Dyck (1:10:00) Bleeds Out Gore Rating: 3
Matthew- Heath Whitelock (1:17:00) Stabbed in Stomach Gore Rating: 5
Megan- Chalie Howes (1:20:00) Hit by Truck Gore Rating: 1

             Horror Film: 4
             Entertainment: 3
             Gore: 4
             Overall: 3.75