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Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S06:E04 Dead In the Water

Alaskan Bush People Test patternWell, it’s that time again. Time for you to put on your helmet and board the short-bus to Browntown!

Just a quick note… this will probably be a short recap as there wasn’t a damn thing interesting or remotely viewable that happened this episode. The test pattern TV stations show right before signing off for the day was more interesting than this episode. But, let’s give it a try.

The episode starts with Wolverine, AcidRain, and BirdBrain picking blueberries. Wolverine wishes he was an inchworm. Don’t set the bar too high there, buddy. I guess with their non-education, an inchworm is the best he can hope to achieve. It does fit the family dynamic, though… BullshitBilly is a slug.

Anyhoo, back to the Paint Drying Hour. Sorry, I mean Alaskan Bullshit People. ExtremeBore is using ‘Rasslin‘ mats for another project. He wants to keep rain out of his treehouse by putting them on the INSIDE of his treehouse! What the hell? Didn’t someone from the construction crew tell him the right way it should be done?

The narrator tells us that since winter is right around the corner, the homestead is moving like never before! He says that in Southeast Alaska, the work is never done. Of course not, these idiots aren’t there enough for any work to get done, except filming a bullshit ‘reality’ show.

Next, BullshitBilly gets off his ass and walks to an undisclosed location to visit Bum, who is building his dream house. He says he wants a 20X20 two story home. I don’t know why they’re going down this story arc. Bum is too busy being emasculated by Allison dragging him to the Broad’s March in Los Angeles and other bush activities. Get it… ‘bush’ activities… Never mind.

While showing Mutt skin a deer, the narrator tells us it takes 700 pounds of meat to feed the Brownklownz during the harsh Alaskan winter. So, let’s assume 1 pound per day per Brownklown, that’s… enough for two and a half months, but with Scami’s magic pantry bowl it will be like Jesus feeding the crowd with loaves and fishes.

He says the family must, “…Hunt, gather, and prepare a large winter stockpile.” For who? They’re eating well this winter in Colorado and New Mexico and Las Vegas. I guess they have to ‘hunt’ for a buffet restaurant and ‘gather’ the chuds together in their RV.

Mutt reminisces about hunting with his dad while he makes crazy eyes and holds the knife up in a menacing manner. Everyone should be afraid… VERY afraid.

He says he keeps the fat so he can take it back to his place and make candles or torches. Yeah, we’ve seen SOOOO many homemade torches and candles throughout the seasons that it seems believable. NOT!

Cut to Paul who visits BullshitBilly to tell him that he doesn’t need the skiff back that he loaned them last season. He says there are two projects that he needs help with and if the Brownklownz help out they can keep the skiff.

The first job is in Port Alexander hauling a septic tank. The second is rescuing a stranded float plane in Thorn Bay near Prince of Wales (not to be confused with BullshitBilly who is known around there as the ‘Prince of Whales‘).

Hold on. Is this the floatplane that a local reported seeing land in the bay, strapped to the SS Grifter and towed around while filming, then took off on it’s own after filming? Surely not, that would mean this whole storyline is bullshit.

BullshitBilly gathers a few of his chuds that are still around. Where’s the rest? Oh well, they begin to plot a course for their trip. He consults the brains of the family, Mutt, Scami, BirdBrain, and ExtremeBore. God help them all.

I like how ParkSlop covers the windows of the filming location cabin with a dark cloth so we don’t see how bright, warm and sunny it is outside.

Wait… Why are they planning the trip? Shouldn’t they consult the Boat Captains that ParkSlop hires for each episode? Nah, let’s leave it in the hands of an incompetent buffoon who wrecked the last umpteen boats he’s owned.

ExtremeBore grabs a bullet and makes boat engine noises as he tries to act like he understands what’s going on. He probably thought they were playing Monopoly. I’ll bet when they play Monopoly, DuhVinciNoah is always the top-hat!

After the break various Brownklownz talk about how much they missed being in Prince of Wales. For some reason, the entire family needs to go on this job. What will they do with Sabrina? Fear not, they’ll leave her in the capable hands of Mutt’s Dump-Buddy, Kenny.

Kenny comes to the island to get instructions on how to take care of a cow. BirdBrain shows him how to milk it. Kenny seems like a nice guy, and does fulfill the quota of having a Skalfestad on camera, but is it just me or does Kenny sound alot like Brak from Space Ghost? Listen to this tidbit and tell me if it’s Kenny or Brak.

Back inside the filming location cabin, the Brownklownz pack up for the trip. They board the SS Grifter and let the hired captains get them to their destination. They arrive in Hoonah and pick up two 350-pound septic tanks. As they load them, it’s only BullshitBilly, Mutt, Bum, ExtremeBore, and BirdBrain on deck. I guess the rest were in town?

Set a course for Prince of Wales! Wait, first there’s a bunch of bullshit backstory inserted. Bum says he hasn’t been there since his twenties. Was that when you had your adorable blond hair and made YouTube videos hocking BullshitBilly’s book “One Scam At A Time”?

They have a talk about what might be waiting for them when they arrive. Y’know, things like people they owe money to, victims of their scams, people they ripped off.

But wait. Uh-oh’s! There’s smoke coming from below. Good thing I DVR’d it so I can fast forward and get through the commercials and see if they survived this latest life-threatening situation!

Never fear, DuhVinciNoah is there to tell us non-bush people what’s wrong. He puts on a new battery post. Wolverine looks scared and asks, “Duuuhhhh, will it last long enough to get us to P of W?” DuhVinciNoah replies, “It HAS to!” Wow, the DRAMA! Never fear, there’s a production boat following behind filming so if there’s any real danger they’ll be OK.

Back in Browntown, Kenny arrives to take care of the cow. As he picks up the cow shit I’m sure he’s wondering how much longer until the cow is returned to it’s rightful owner. It’s hard to tell the cow shit from the rest of Browntown, but Kenny does his best.

Finally the Brownklownz arrive in Port Alexander. BullshitBilly thanks the boat for getting there safely. I hope he also thanked the hired captains.

The next day the recipient of the septic tanks arrives to collect his load. He asks if BullshitBilly and DuhVinciNoah are coming ashore. At least that’s what I think he meant when he asked about two 300-pound tubs.

Back out to sea. Next stop, Prince of Wales to ‘rescue’ a fully functional seaplane hired to act as plot fodder.

Scami explains how nice Prince of Wales is and the memories she has there. She tells us how Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer Schmidt got her name.

In this version, on the way to the hospital to spit out her seventh chud, she says there was a single rain drop on the windshield and thought that would be a good name. Good thing there wasn’t anything else on the windshield.

As they make their journey, we’re treated to another segment featuring the androgynous, self-absorbed, smarmy piece of shit known as DuhVinciNoah. He says that he normally is thinking of, “…eight things at the same time, five at the least.” Sadly those five things consist mostly of crayons, pudding, Hot-Topic sales, birdies, and remembering to breathe.

He misses his purse, Rhain (spelled differently, of course!). He makes her a necklace made from fishing hooks and other dangerously sharp objects that DuhVinciNoah shouldn’t be allowed to handle. I’m sure the necklace will make her think of him every time she slightly moves her head and rips open a wound.

Wait, what’s this? Oh-No’s, a distress call from another boat! The narrator spends a lot of time convincing us that the Brownklownz think for one minute about someone else besides themselves. They decide to lose half a day (of filming) and go and help these unknown people because, y’know, the Brownklownz are all about charity and giving and helping out others. I’ll give you a minute to vomit.

As they arrive, they see it’s a family that just so happens to remind BullshitBilly about his family when they were young. Cue the sappy music as he talks about how he has fond memories of the children in his life… Like Scami when she was a 15 year old child and he married her.

The rest of the Brownklownz chime in and talk about their thoughts about seeing a young family and how their own dreams and aspirations are on hold because they have to provide a lifestyle for their useless parents.

Since the ‘rescue mission’ took so much time, they need to rethink their route. Bullshitbilly gathers the chuds and tells them that they need to travel on open ocean in order to make it on time to rescue a seaplane. If it was that big of an emergency wouldn’t they have found someone to tow their plane days ago?

In their board room, they make the decision to take the dangerous route… With production boat following. Wow, the danger and bravery displayed by this family is… Underwhelming!

Many ions are wasted transmitting unnecessary scenes of ExtremeBore and Wolverine tying down items on the deck so they don’t blow away in the mildly inclement weather.

In the short segment we see ExtremeBore providing masturbation fodder for the middle-aged, housebound, basement dwelling Yenta’s on Facebook that think this man-child is a dreamboat. I wonder if these sad women realize that since he’s only 5 feet tall, he’d probably have to go UP on them?

Finally, the last segment of this shitshow. ParkSlop tries it’s best to convince us that there’s trouble ahead, could be the end, family business on the line, blah blah blah.

Oddly enough, the kids that were supposedly raised on boats (and also in the bush) get seasick. How can this be? This seasoned, professional fishing and boat captaining family gets seasick?

AcidRain and BirdBrain look like they are going to barf all over the walls, which would do about $800 in improvements to the boat.

BullshitBilly laments the fact that he did something he maybe shouldn’t have done. Is he talking about the boat or the way he raised his kids in general.

The previews for next week look uneventful, except for one of the Brownklownz apparently leaving to actually venture out on their own! My guess is that it’s Bum. Allison has him whipped into doing such bush things as attending feminist rallies in L.A., so he better get home fast!

See y’all next week for another exciting episode recap of Alaskan Bullshit People!


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1 thought on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S06:E04 Dead In the Water

  1. Beavis, you are correct. Pretty slim pickings from that episode.
    Just a coup[le of thoughts here.
    What does it say when you realize Kenny may have the highest IQ of the bunch?
    Why would they be seasick in 1-3 foot waves? That does not even merit a small craft warning from the coast guard.
    Why did they go 4 hours oput of their way to tow a boat which, according to its skipper, suffer a fuel pump failure as it left the harbor? Someone in the harbor would have towed them.
    Why didn’t Parkslop show the boat being towed?? all they showed was its magical arrival at the dock.
    Why go through open ocean to avoid a storm when you could, instead, stay in sheltered waters?
    Finally, why has the Discovery Channel given up even trying to present reality?? And why tow a seaplane with a 58 foot boat? Why??

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