Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair

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Struggling a little at the moment. One of the things that's weighing on me is my MSc dissertation, which I ought to be working away on by now but still don't even have any ideas for. I decided last night though that if I'm not beginning to get my head round it and get something done by the end of the weekend then I'll get in touch with one of my lecturers at APU and see if they can help. Jo Stanley probably, as she was the one doing most of the organising of dissertations in the first place and she seems nice. Hopefully she's not too busy.

I've also got a friend who I've been having trouble dealing with over most of the last year really. He's in a pretty bad way, and we initially fell out over something stupid and have been trying to patch stuff up since, though not really succeeding. We had a long talk a couple of weeks back, and I basically promised to try harder to make this work, though I'm still not sure what to do. But since then I've been feeling less and less able to cope with *anything*. I tried to explain this, but they were angry at me for being useless and sent an enormous email shouting at me, although they did warn me at the top that this was what it was, which was fairly considerate. Unfortunately has made me even *less* able to even talk to them never mind try and patch up a friendship. To me it seems daft when someone isn't coping to do something which looks like it's trying deliberately to make it even less possible to continue. I wonder if it's unconsciously a way of sabotaging the whole thing. But basically I think it is just that they can't cope either. And I don't know what to do.

They say that they're just going to avoid me completely if they have to, and it's tempting just to take them up on it at the moment because I'm finding this so hard and I don't think continually agonising over it is doing them any good either. But since in their mind that also means cutting themselves off from all mutual friends that doesn't seem very fair. And equally if they don't it just means that some of the friends in question will be left having to be even more supportive and I don't think they can cope either.

I just wish everything could be happy and fluffy. I hate seeing so many of my friends being so down at the moment, and I hate *being* down too, especially as I worry that it'll make Richard feel down too. I ought to be supporting him more at the moment rather than needing cheering up myself. But whatever, I definitely spy the roots of depression here in a lot of ways, even if it is basically in reaction to things like Richard being out of work for so long. I'm going to keep an eye on it, and if it's not beginning to improve and I'm still feeling this paralyzed in a few week's time I'm going to go see my doctor about it. I may have coped more or less with being depressed a few years back and got out the other side of it more or less intact but I did completely mess up my degree and at least one good relationship in the process and I don't want to risk being that bad again.

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