Wizolympics 2016: Synchronized Troll Swimming

On this blistering day in Rio de Janeiro, today’s event is about to make a big splash. It’s time for the much-anticipated event of Synchronized Troll Swimming. These teams have been practicing all year for the chance to bring home the Galleon for their country. A magnificent swimming pool has been constructed here in Rio, specially equipped for the troll swimming. A magically reinforced cage envelops the audience and the pool, so as to keep the trolls from wreaking havoc on the outside Muggle population. One coach represents each country in the Synchronized Troll Swimming competition. The coaches are giving their teams a last-minute pep talk on the sidelines as the judges situate themselves at a long table at the pool’s edge. While most of the trolls seem quite content to stand around and do nothing, Greece’s Agata Papadopoulis is having a bit of trouble convincing one of her troll athletes to control his violent urges as he pulls a chair out from underneath a spectator and attempts to smash it over Papadopoulis’s head.

The first team to perform is the French team. After dominating for so many years in Figure Skating in the Winter Wizolympics, France decided in recent years that creating figures in unfrozen water must take the same skill set, and thus they began an intense program to train trolls to enter into the summer event. With a series of splashes and plunks, France is in position. The music of French composer Maurice Ravel swells to a crescendo over the poolside audience. Instead of swimming in synchronization, the trolls seem to have decided they would rather use their flower garland accessories to poke each other’s eyes out. As the music comes to a close, the chaos in the water does not. French trainer Bridget Bourdieu is screaming at her team from the pool deck, but the trolls continue to rage. The judges give France a score of 3/30. Clearly those three points were for the song selection, not the performance.

Once the French trolls are finally cleared from the water, Bermuda lines up in a line along the edge of the pool. This team is a favorite to win it. They have been putting in the hours all year long, and it really shows. The trolls all enter the water at the same time, sending them off to a good start. Set to a catchy reggae number, this routine is rather ambitious, but the trolls nail the first formation, successfully executing what is written in their submitted choreography as a “coconuts in the sea.” The cluster of large, round bodies in the water certainly does bring to mind a bunch of coconuts bobbing in the waves. The crowd is loving this! The trolls hold the position for a substantial amount of time before moving on to the next formation, “beached baby dolphins,” which brings them back to the pool deck, where they all lay contentedly, staring up at the blue sky. These are very subdued trolls… What has Bermuda learned about troll training that France has not? It’s a 28/30 from the judges! What a spectacular performance!

Up next is Greenland. This is the team’s first time in the water since they were unable to find anywhere to practice that was not frozen solid. The trolls line up on the deck, ready to dive in. They have obviously practiced at least this part quite a bit. Their music begins, but none of the trolls move. Toward the end of the line, one brave toe dips into the water but quickly comes back out. The trolls at first appeared mildly interested in the shimmering water, but now it seems they have decided it’s more exciting to make clubs out of life preservers and beat each other, their trainer, and nearby audience members. That will be zero marks for Greenland since they never made it into the pool during their three-minute music selection.

Agata Papadopoulis of Greece is not faring too well against her violent athlete. The one problem child has now recruited the whole team. They quickly overran Papadopoulis, sending her crumpling to the ground unconscious, and have now moved on to join the team from Greenland in the sport of chasing audience members around the enclosed pool area. Due to the magically reinforced cage, the audience can’t get away from the trolls, but at least the trolls remain contained.

This is a landslide win for Bermuda. The team now holds the highest score in Synchronized Troll Swimming history. Event officials have arrived on the scene and are working from the outside of the enclosure to remove the cage to free the witches and wizards stuck inside with the trolls. Of course, this will mean complete destruction of several nearby Muggle towns, but it has reached an escalated point, and there is no better alternative at the moment. We will keep you updated on the situation as it progresses.


Beatrice Witherthorp

Veritaserum News Network (VNN) reporter