Wednesday, 19 February 2014

An Explanation.

Its been a while since I updated my corner of the internet. I'm not one for making excuses but I feel I should explain. I don't feel like I'm looking for words of encouragement but subconsciously maybe I am. Why else would I feel so compelled to write this?

If you're looking for fat fashion tonight, I am sorry to disappoint. Tonight is more personal than I ever thought I'd be in a public forum.

I've suffered with mental health issues since I don't know when. Some time between the ages of 11 and 14. It's hard to know what was hormones and what was something else I guess. But it seemed apparent that most of the issues stemmed from depression. There were a lot of years of self hatred, self harm, recovery and relapse. I thought,  after I beat post-natal depression in 2011, that I knew how my head worked. I felt that I was in control. I am not. I only know how to help myself through post-pregnancy depression. The "other" depression is a different beast. It's much more difficult to understand. With post-partum issues the second time around I could always pinpoint a cause, find a solution, look to the light at the end of the tunnel. With the other kind It's not related to an event. There is no light and no reason. And that's where I am currently. I am being picky. Snappy. I want to retreat into myself but I can't and I feel so exposed. I am on the brink of tears 24 hours a day and if anyone asks what is wrong I get so angry at myself, for the only honest answer I can give is

"I Don't Know."

I was on a roll. I had a good streak of 17 months with only one blip in October-December last year. But I fixed that.

This time? This time I'm the happiest I've been in years but I'm so low that it aches in that hollow space that's opened up inside. It's migraine inducing and I don't know why because I'm HAPPY.

So that's where I am. Happy and depressed. I've never felt this before. It adds a whole extra level of frustration and confusion and right now I'm dealing with it while living under the roof of my in-laws, with two babies and a toddler taking up all my time, love and headspace.

I hope this is another short blip. But until I can drag myself out of this hole I can only apologise for the lack of updates and ask you to please be patient. I'm still here. I'm just taking a back seat until I'm fixed again.

Katt xo


  1. Hon, have you been to the docs? Are you on any meds? There's no shame in it at all. I've been on mood adjusters for over 3 years now and I have no shame in saying life without them is shit. I'm sending hugs and hoping things are on an even keel for you soon. x x x

    1. Thanks lovely xx
      I was put on anti-depressants in 2011. According to my Mr, they made me a different kind of "not myself"... I wasnt depressed but crazy obsessive over the wrong things and not caring about the right things. After that I was referred for CBT but nothing came of it because the referral took 8 months. I had the twins around the time my appointment finally came through and now I just don't have time.

  2. Dont be sorry it is important to share your feelings when they are up and down. Talking about how you feel can really help you. Have you ever tried doing morning pages? They help me a lot and they also help with creativity xx

  3. I know the "I don't know" feeling, everything seems to be right, but on the inside it's not, and you just don't know what is wrong.

    CBT can be helpful. I used this whilst waiting for CBT and found it quite helpful: