﻿ ZPi | The Typing Octopus
ZPi Logo "Serving the Paranoid
since 1997"
The Typing Octopus

Danger: Octobot

The Typing Octopus | 2016-08-26.4535 LMT | Cephalopods | Simulacra

Danger: human infiltration of octopus domains suspected!

Typing Octopus discovered disturbing human communication on Hominoidnet: humans make fake octopus: humans term it Octobot:

Suspicion: humans seek replace octopus with fake octopus: octopus cannot know which octopus is real octopus: human agenda unknown.

Suspicion: humans use fake octopus infiltrators to take octopus knowledge: location of salmon: location of tasty crab: location of ancient octopus city: location of shinies hoard: octopus secrets not safe!

Suspicion: all octopus except Typing Octopus fake: semi-autonomous arms acting suspiciously?: Typing Octopus arms fake?: who is typing this?: trust no one!

Typing Octopus advise: Paranoia! Paranoia! Paranoia!

The Typing Octopus

Human Enslave, Exploit Octopus!

The Typing Octopus | 2009-02-15.5870 LMT | Cephalopods | Defensive Techniques

Typing Octopus look for moving image of tasty crustaceans on Hominoidnet kiosk: Typing Octopus find moving image from human territory named Japan.

Typing Octopus make disturbing discovery: Japan humans enslave octopus sisters: force octopus fight death-match with crustaceans for human amusement! Evidence:

Typing Octopus outraged! Typing Octopus demand end octopus blood-sport: demand release all octopus gladiators: call on gibbons denounce fellow primates if gibbons wish continue Tree Octopus/Gibbon Friendship!

Typing Octopus wonder: would human like if octopus put human in pen with angry cow: force human fight cow to death: octopus audience clack beaks, flash white spots in approval? Typing Octopus think: Human not like. Typing Octopus think: Human hypocritical!

Typing Octopus also learn on Hominoidnet kiosk: Seattle humans enslave octopus: force octopus copulation: human audience watch for perverted amusement! Typing Octopus disgusted: demand privacy: demand lights turned off!

Typing Octopus wonder: would human like if octopus force human copulation as octopus watch? Typing Octopus remember: hypothetical situation subject of human entertainment book: Typing Octopus now think perverted human would like.

Typing Octopus now like human even less.

The Typing Octopus

Cephalopod Appreciation Society Annual Meeting




Hello Cephalopod friends new and old --


We'll kick everything off at 12:30 pm with:

  • and more!


The Details:
Sunday, Aug. 10th
12:30 - 2:30 pm
@ Northwest Film Forum
1515 12th Ave / Seattle, WA
All ages!
$5 suggested donation
Free stickers!

Hope to see you there!

Your friend in arms & tentacles,
squid girl

Contact: songsforsquid@hotmail.com





If gibbons appreciate proposal: turn fur purple with white spots.

Typing Octopus await reply.

The Typing Octopus

Octopus Lie

The Typing Octopus | 2007-02-28.7010 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature

Human create website: OCTOPUSTRUTH.COM

Octopus think: better name: OCTOPUSLIE.LIE!

If you would believe the mainstream media, octopuses are cute, cuddly sea-faring playthings that want nothing more than to kiss you with their oozy tentacle-stickers and do your homework. These "spiders of the sea," the standard story goes, have no hidden agenda- they want to stay in their tanks, learn tricks, and eventually molt into beautiful silverfish. But behind their smiling eyes and waving hands is an UNDERWATER NIGHTMARE far more sinister- and frightening- than the government and its allies in the news media would have you know.

Imagine an animal that can come through your shower drain in a matter of seconds. An animal that can squeeze through any small fissure in your apartment walls. An animal only stopped by the lack of salt water in the normal american household.

Read, my friend, read! And discover the STUNNING TRUTH about the octopus species- a species which is half squishy, slimy cephalopod, half frenzied, plotting brainiac: and all evil.

Lies! Lies! Lies!

Octopus harmless to human: just want tasty crabs, salmon information box. Human not tasty... octopus assume. Octopus agent not infiltrate human sink/bath/toilet, not envelope puppy, not drink milk. Lies!

Octopus not harm human unless provoked. Human keep creepy pentapodal arms out of octopus lair, octopus keep arms out of human lair: octopus desire octopus/human détentacle.

Octopus not interfere with human attack squid: octopus hate squid too. Stupid squid think squid better than octopus. More lies!

Proposal: arrangement of mutual benefit: human leave octopus be, give octopus salmon information box, stop speaking offensive octopus joke, stop anti-octopus lie website: octopus tell human secret of colossal squid, continue not envelope puppy, stop signaling offensive human joke.

If human agree: turn skin purple with white spots.

Octopus await reply.

The Typing Octopus

Ohio River Killer

The Typing Octopus | 2006-08-10.4690 LMT | Cephalopods

Many news reports state octopus body found in Ohio River by fisherhuman. Much confusion: octopus hate rivers and Ohio. Suicide or foul play?

Now revealed: octopus victim of human's bizarre "project". Human student dumped octopus body in Ohio River after filming snuff movie. Snuff movie featured "picnic scene" of horror.

Human bought corpse from St. Matthews seafood store. Planned on eating corpse. Octopus too old for human student; human student likes young corpses. Dumped in river instead. Thought river would wash away interest in crime against octopusity. Human thought wrong!

Octopus community issues demands: Student human and accomplices charged with desecration of octopus corpse. Octopus snuff film destroyed. St. Matthews charged with cephalopodicide.

The Typing Octopus

Octopus Skills Pay Bills

The Typing Octopus | 2006-04-18.0750 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature
The Typing Octopus

Human Attack Squid!

The Typing Octopus | 2006-02-27.6565 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature

Innocent squid vacation off Chile. Enjoy warm seasonal water, delicious fishes.

Encounter female human fry. Think harmless. Investigate.

Brutal attack by humans! Humans stone squid to death! Drag dead squid vacationer from water! Carry corpse through street! Gurgle horrific human sounds!

Chile coastline not safe for cephalopods. Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!

'PAWS' Poster

The Typing Octopus

Giant Squid Diving

The Typing Octopus | 2006-02-04.0620 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature


Humans, stop pestering octopus. Pester squid instead: giant squid diving expedition.

"Red Demon" Giant Squids of Mexico
Jaguars of the Oceans

Join us for an adventure that fewer than 20 divers a year get to experience, an underwater encounter with the Giant Squid (Dosidicus gigas) otherwise known as Red Demon squids in Mexico. Growing up to seven feet long, 150+ pounds and occasionally bigger—possibly much bigger these are the pinnacle predator of the ocean. An apex predator that even sharks stay clear of.

Sandwiches, anti-squid armor provided.

The Typing Octopus

Evidence Submerges: Human ROV Stalking Octopus

The Typing Octopus | 2006-01-29.0150 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Politics | Technology

Intrepid octopus investigator risk sasquatch eating, discover secret human program to follow, spy on octopus with ROV-like robot. Human document admit intent:

...We want to design a mini-robot that will carry a video camera, follow an octopus around under the water, and always keep the animal in the camera's viewfinder. Since the robot will act like a Private Eye and tail the octopus everywhere, we think it should be called Shadow.

Reason? Discover evidence human target octopus for theft, desire steal octopus antiquities. Human ROV steal heavy pointy thing from octopus foyer.

Human ROV casing octopus home? Human ROV take salmon information box? Evidence conclusive: octopus not senile. Octopus innocent victim of vast human burglary conspiracy. Human caught in act, engage in cover up. Watergate! Watergate! Watergate!

The Typing Octopus

Human Libel Sparks Aquatic Anger

The Typing Octopus | 2006-01-27.3050 LMT | Cephalopods | Nature | Politics

CTV: 'Jim Cosgrove, an octopus expert at the Royal BC museum, believes the octopus may have been senile.'

Octopus victim responds to new accusations:

Lies! Lies! Lies!

Anti-octopus bias in human media. Truth here.

Octopus awaken by yellow intruder stealing salmon information box. Intruder attack octopus, take property. Octopus not senile. Octopus have no interest in mating with yellow armless thing. Octopus only want box back.

Give octopus box back!

Cephalopod, crustacean, nudibranch unite in protest: "Things on seafloor ours!"

Anti-Defamation Leagues Under The Sea demand human apology, give box back.

Salmon call for independent investigation, cite "Human-Octopus Axis of Evil".