Teenage brains are under siege but there are three ways parents can connect

Updated May 04, 2019 09:45:12

When I was 14, my bottom "showed up". Previously, I'd been tall and skinny, then all of a sudden, she landed — a rather protruding bottom, inherited from my grandmother.

I remember thinking: "Well, I'm not going to have a milkshake with my friends after school because if I walk in, they'll go 'Oh Maggie's here with her big bum to ruin the day'."

Despite being an intelligent young woman, I actually believed this was true.

Years later in my work as a teacher and then counsellor, this memory was an insight into what the world looks like for our adolescents, thanks to the necessary brain changes they undergo.

Imagine our world is viewed through a car windscreen. Now imagine if I hit that windscreen with a sledgehammer: that's how distorted the world looks to our teens and it doesn't make them feel good about themselves.

I wish I had known that when I was a teenager. I can't even imagine what it would be like for me trying to navigate my changing adolescent body in 2019 with all of the "perfect" bottoms on Instagram!

Thanks to research (and statistics on self-harm, suicide and mental health), we now understand how vulnerable adolescents are. We need to let them know they are OK and they really matter.

In my work I've found three things can help when communicating with teens.

The 'pruning' of the teen brain

Caring, empowering communication indicates an ability to understand another's reality. We often assume others understand us when they can have a different viewpoint.

We know the neural shearing or "pruning" of the teen brain — just one change they undergo — makes them forgetful and challenges their organisational skills.

This can makes them feel dumb and useless, and self-loathing is common.

When I taught Year 9, I didn't punish students when they had forgotten that they had homework, or forgotten they'd written a task in their homework diary, or that they even had a diary in their bag.

Ultimately, it wasn't their fault.

Even really capable kids who might have always been really organised can suddenly find things a challenge.

Being an adolescent can feel a bit like having a temporary brain injury and if my son or a student had a brain injury I would not yell at them for being forgetful or overwhelmed. I would support them to remember things and treat them with patience, compassion and kindness.

When we lecture our teens, they feel they can't do anything right. When we criticise, they feel useless and incapable. When we nag, they feel disrespected.

At least these days parents have the option of messaging their teens. It's much easier for teens to receive a well-timed, gentle reminder via SMS or instant message with an emoji and a "love you" at the end of it, than to have us nagging them.

Behavioural psychologists have been studying human behaviour for years we now know that human communication can be modified to achieve better outcomes, via a nudge or the power of suggestion.

Being there

As beneficial as technology is, it's never been more important when your adolescent wants to talk to you face-to-face to put your phone down and show them you're interested in what they have to say.

Using eye contact, posture and presence shows someone that we're really listening, and being heard is important to adolescents.

Reflect back to them what you've heard, make encouraging sounds and encourage them to tell you more. It might sound simple but often we're quick to jump in with an opinion or try to solve their problems.

Adolescents don't need us to solve their problems — they have a biological need for autonomy. Instead of asking "Why?" I suggest you ask encouraging things, such as "How might we sort this out?", "What do you think needs to happen right now", "I noticed this" or "Tell me how I can support you right now"

Shine a light

As adolescents are biologically driven to seek belonging outside their family, this is a time to encourage relationships with "lighthouses" — safe, adult allies who aren't parents. Think aunts, uncles, coaches, a friend's parents, neighbours, grandparents, family friends or otherwise.

Research shows that it only takes one adult to make a significant difference to an adolescent's outcomes.

Lighthouses don't rescue or make judgements. They act like a mirror so that the young person can see the world from a different perspective.

Lighthouses may want to give advice or tell adolescents what they should be doing, but they don't.

They care, support, reassure, give seeds of potential solutions through telling stories and asking great questions that make an adolescent think.

Adolescents need more compassionate support than ever before and they need more than just their parents to ensure they can navigate this vulnerable time of life.

Maggie Dent is a parenting author, educator and resilience specialist with a background in teaching and counselling. She is also the host of a new ABC podcast, Parental As Anything, launching May 28.

Topics: parenting, family-and-children, mental-health, internet-technology

First posted May 04, 2019 06:00:48