I went to my design programs Christmas Party and it was full of genuine smiles and I was really happy to see all these people after so many months and I realized that I really appreciated these souls. It was the first time I've hugged someone and meant it in a while, not just that cordial touch. people asked me how I was. I asked people how they were. and I actually wanted to know. and then Rachele was like I want to go home and eat stuff. I was too tipsy and I let her drive my car and she is a fucking scary driver and flashed the high beams at a poor old lady who was just trying to back out of her driveway it was fucking hilarious. and then I talked to Julienne and every time I talk to this girl , which is maybe 3 times ever now, we go straight to the real shit and she thinks a lot and I can tell and it's always nice to meet a kindred soul who's existentially struggling through this shit with the rest of us. And then I met this girl named Katie and I've always heard her name but never met her and we got along and she was chill and we sat at the table talking about children's books and courage the cowardly dog. and then Hai came over and we watched this tv show about what if Japan and the nazis won the war and America was occupied by them. and then I drove home listening to Billie holiday, and she said something about the morning sun and the moon, and it rained on my windshield and I wiped it with the double speed just coz, and a couple heard the song as they walked past through a crosswalk and they smiled and I smiled too, and then I found some parking hella close to my apartment, and I crossed paths with a drunk guy and we did that thing where we tried to give clearance to one another but both chose the same way and stopped and he said "fuck my bad" and I was like "hahaha it's chill" and I walked past three guys who were speaking Spanish but it wasn't Mexican accent so Iono where they are from, maybe Peru? it had a gentle roll, maybe Guatemala like my Spanish teacher in high school. Mr Pineda. we used to watch soccer on YouTube on the projector 5 min before the lunch bell. I really needed tonight. I felt happy tonight. I've been really sad, I think it's the weather. but tonight I remembered what it felt like to feel warm, and maybe all of this is not so bad after all. my parents want me to stay, stick something out you know? I've been fleeing when I sense unhappiness and I think it's time I try my hand at planting both feet in solid earth and endure . maybe it's all worth it. I want it to be worth it.