Friday, May 3, 2013

Filters, or lack there of (a top 10 list)

We all need filters. If we said everything that popped into our heads nobody but the true pure saints (or brain-dead zombies) would have any friends. There are many types of filters we employ at different levels for different occasions. And they can all fail. Here are the top 10 brain-to-mouth filters and how they can fail spectacularly:

1. The Child Filter:
Kids have no filters, the parents are suposed to somehow filter for them, but it often doesn't work. This demonstrated by my kids yelling about my "hairy 'gina" in a public restroom. And by the fact that my mom still remembers the time when I was little when I saw a big tattooed biker dude and loudly noted that he was "funny looking!" (before she quickly fled the scene).

2. The Inner 12 Year Old filter:
Everybody has a 12 year old inside them waiting to burst out (to be clear I mean a metaphorical child). At least most of the adults I interact with do, or else there wouldn't be quite so many stifled giggles around the conference table when somebody says "I do do" in a meeting.

3. The Don't-Look-Crazy Filter:
This is what keeps you from talking out loud to yourself. I think I need to take mine in for a repair. I routinely find myself accidentally saying a few words or phrases from my internal dialogues out loud. And inevitably it's just as I turn a corner and end up face to to face with some stranger who gets to hear me say "yeah well fuck that" to thin air.

4. The Cuss Filter:
Speaking of "fuck that, my cuss filter is terrible. My colleagues at work swear (we say that a meeting isn't official until somebody drops the f bomb). I think that must be why my filter is so weak. And so, when I stub my toe in front of the kids I just can't bring myself to say things like "gal darn flipping cruddy bum"when what I want to say is "goddamn fucking cuntbucket asshole" so instead the filter fails initially and is slowly re-applied as the curse continues, so it becomes "goddamn ferking cursaberblefsdk d'ahh!"

5. The Honest Opinion Filter:
A lack of this filter must be what causes so many people to run up to pregnant women and exclaim "you're huge! are you sure it's not twins?!" (in case you're confused, although pregnant women are generally bigger than their non-pregnant selves, you still don't get to say that. So stop it. Seriously.) Screwing up the application of this filter will basically make you look like an asshole.

6. The Aware of Your Surroundings Filter:
In order to properly apply the correct level of filter, you not only need to know who you're talking to, but also where you are and who else might be coming around the corner at any moment. It's like picking a wedgie, you really gotta take a look around before you dive in. That way you won't end up doing an imitation of somebody calling you a "cracker-ass bitch" just as the president of your husband's
company walks up behind you.

7. The Vomit Filter:
Parents have to apply this filter liberally when around their child-free friends. People don't really want to hear about the time you were in Target and you noticed liquid poop dripping down your child's leg and onto the floor. Other parents laugh and come back at you with a poo-explosion to the face story. But the child-free generally will want to vomit. I had to give this sucker a workout after slicing my leg open. Because apparently talk of bone deep gashes caused by hockey skates turns some folks a little green.

8. The Booze-Affected Filter:
The first time in college that I got really stinking drunk, my filter failed and I told a girl I honestly didn't like "I hate you." But I realized my mistake and tried to cover it up with "...oh, uh, because you're beautiful!" I think I then pet her hair and waxed on about it for a while. Slick recovery, right?

9. The TMI (too much information) Filter:
AKA the sex story filter. Although I was the queen of the beer-induced personal confession back in college (ok, maybe I still am), it didn't always take beer to get me to bust out with a steamy and hilarious sex story. I was even awarded the TMI award by my hockey team. Actually, I don't know if I've gotten better about filtering those TMI stories since college, or if I've just had kids so there are fewer sexy tidbits to lay on my victims friends.

10. The OCD Filter:
I don't really have a 10th thing, but I can't make a top 9 list, because the Thought Monkey tells me that everybody will hate it.

Happy weekend, everybody!


  1. You can have odd-numbered lists if you want. I do it all the time. TAKE THAT, THOUGHT MONKEY!

  2. #6, ladies!

  3. This is hilarious! I had no idea there were so many filters, but it turns out every single one of mine is busted.

  4. My filter has improved over the years but like your sex could be atrition.

    1. it's easier to keep those steamy stories private when you have so few steamy stories... *sigh*

  5. Ha, ha. Found # 5 the most interesting, though they are all good ... and funny.

    1. thanks. I can remember a few times when my #5 filter failed. -_-;; luckily I've gotten better since the days when I was a social awkward teenager.

  6. Awesome list. Every time I hear about filters, I think of Tig Notaro -

    1. omg LOL, I hadn't heard of Tig Notaro, I think I'll have to watch more. hehe

  7. I love this list. Im sure I subscribe to most... the others Im just not ready to commit...
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

  8. I wish I had the know where you are filter. This morning as I was belting out to Maroon 5 I realized that all the windows were down in the car and I was a stop light next to a car full of teens...