Disappointments in ‘Happily Ever After’

CreditCreditJillian Tamaki

One-quarter of all divorces now involve people over 50. In Unhitched, longtime couples tell the story of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.

Dennis Hummer, now 45, met Nancy Hess, now 53, working at a church camp in 1988. Over 18 years of marriage, they learned they wanted to spend their time differently from each other. They divorced after Ms. Hess fell for another man. The couple did not have children, but now Mr. Hummer, who remarried and is now stepfather to two girls, find he loves being a “bonus” dad.

Marriage: June 8, 1991, to April 28, 2009.

Age when married: He: 23, She: 31.

Occupation: She is a human resources manager consultant. He has been a health care manager, restaurant owner and now works for a homebuilder.

Where did they grow up?

He: Rural Pennsylvania, on a family homestead.

She: Bexley, Ohio.

The single biggest reason for marrying?

He: Very romantic at heart. He was searching for a partner and believed he had met the woman he would spend the rest of his life with.

She: She saw the potential for a good partnership and thought they complemented each other well. She was introverted; he was extroverted.

Where did they live after marrying?

Briefly in Harrisburg and central Pennsylvania, and then rural Pennsylvania on his family’s land.

What brought them together?

Opposites attracted. He found her worldly (she was eight years older), attractive, creative, a great conversationalist about politics and women’s rights. He admired her artistic skills; she painted beautiful watercolors.

She found him funny, and enthusiastic whether cooking dinner or building furniture. She respected his fearlessness in facing big projects, whether baling hay or building a barn. He was popular and outgoing.

Shared values?

For 10 years after they married, they volunteered at the Methodist church camp. where they had met. Neither wanted children. Both were moderate politically, but were headed in different directions on the political spectrum though they didn’t know it at the time.

The first signs of trouble?

He: There was no “aha” moment. He thought their relationship “quirky and unconventional” because they often did their own thing, including taking separate vacations. Increasingly he found himself attending family functions on his own. Though it bothered him, he adapted and didn’t think it warranted divorce.

She: Having built their house on his family’s land, over time she felt stifled by living so close to his relatives and also by their social demands. “For every invitation I declined, four more appeared,” she said. He would get up at 4 a.m. for coffee with his father before work. Ten years into the marriage, on returning from a solo vacation she felt a “tinge” of dread. It surprised her.

What pushed them apart?

He: Less time together magnified their differences; he loved old cars and motorcycles; she painted, read and hiked.

She: His family’s conservative politics played a part. She wrote a letter to the local paper supporting gay rights. Though he agreed with her opinion, he asked her to keep her views to herself to maintain peace in the family. She began to feel isolated and believed he was more aligned and closer to his family than he was to her.

When she learned her family carried the gene for Huntington’s disease, she was hit hard. Though she tested negative for the disease, she started to question her choices.

The breakup?

When the two took a European cruise, she met a professor 30 years her senior. He became a friend to both of them. She didn’t act on it, but after they began an e-mail correspondence, she felt an attraction.

She: She felt she had met someone who understood her and what she was seeking from life.

He: When she started spending lots of time e-mailing and conversing with their new friend, he felt threatened.

What did they do to try and stay together?

There were long talks about the relationship. They were no longer making decisions together. They saw a counselor.

He: After a few sessions of couple’s counseling, he saw the therapist by himself. He thought the counselor believed the relationship wasn’t salvageable and was preparing him for divorce.

She: Before counseling, she thought she was already headed out of the marriage. To stay, she needed him to fight for the relationship, but that didn’t happen. “We didn’t want to do what the other one wanted to do,” she said. “Selfish? That’s probably a boomer thing.”

The single biggest reason for splitting?

He: The relationship with the professor seemed like an affair, even though it was technically platonic.

She: Once she had faced her scare with Huntington’s disease, she saw her emotional and intellectual needs were not being met in the relationship, and it seemed to be getting worse. The friendship with the professor stimulated her. “The threat of mortality made me realize I had to live more fully,” she said.

Who asked for the split?

She: In November 2007, she asked for a separation to figure things out. She thought it was likely that the split would lead to divorce, but didn’t know for sure. It seemed as if she were opening a door to a future she couldn’t see. At that point, starting a life with the professor was not something definite or defined.

He: It was all or nothing. His parents have been married 55 years; his grandparents were married more than 60 years. “I was definitely a happily-ever-after guy,” he said. When she raised the possibility of a separation, he exploded, demanding she leave “his house.” Six months later, in the spring of 2008, he filed for divorce.

Why do they think boomers divorce at a higher rate?

She: Women who earn their own money have more freedom to leave situations in which they aren’t happy, even if it’s not a truly, awful situation they are leaving. Sometimes it’s not dramatic: people change and so do their expectations for their lives.

He: People married too early, before they even knew who they are. Sometimes they move in the same direction, but often, after spending a long time together, they grow apart.

Did having their own incomes enable them to divorce?

She: With two incomes and no children, having two careers made it easier to see how they would set up their lives.

Did they feel divorce would stigmatize them? Did they feel family stigma?

He: Felt anger, shame, guilt, but mainly embarrassment. A small town boy who had led a charmed life; nothing “bad” had ever happened to him before. He worried about what people thought of him and feared his community would judge him.

She: Her parents had been married nearly 45 years when her father died. Some family and friends distanced themselves; they were angry at her and really loved Dennis. From those in her rural community, she felt chilliness. “People can be uncomfortable with a woman who is not attached,” she said. No one helped with her move.

Stigma from peers? Religious stigma?

He: There was attitude among those in his church, but he still thinks religion shouldn’t dictate one’s happiness. The reality was that even his most religious friends wanted the best for him.

She: She had already left their church.

Should they have divorced sooner?

He: No regrets. He survived “the worst” and in doing so learned that life goes on and that other people cared about him.

She: Facing their problems together sooner might have helped. Would that have changed the outcome or prevented the divorce? An unknown.

The division of property?

He: She took the furnishings. He kept the house and bought half of the jointly owned rental properties.

In retrospect, he wouldn’t have fought so hard about the dollar amounts of everything. He was angry about the way she had left and took his anger into the financial proceedings.

She: Felt she was being punished during the legal proceedings and the settlement. The recession of 2008 didn’t help their financial outcome.

The most important thing they did to start over?

He: In late 2009, a friend set him up with a recently divorced mother of two girls from his church. Within six months, they were married. His second wife, from a family of 11, is social and enjoys the same activities he does. They enjoy each other’s families, and his mother likes having grandchildren. He was hesitant to date a woman with children, but when he met his current wife’s children he knew that living with children was something he had been missing. He proposed marriage to both mother and daughters.

She: After moving to a suburb of Harrisburg, where her clients are more accessible, she concentrated on building her business and painting. Her first watercolor after the split was of wilted roses. She took yoga classes, joined a support group for families with Huntington’s disease, and saw a therapist. After six months on her own, the professor left his partner and moved in with her. The two now spend time cooking, reading, painting and talking.

Are they happy they divorced? Is their new life better?

She: Still sorting though her feelings, the life she is living now (quiet and introspective) is the one she wanted. There is still some sadness, but never regret.

He: Known to his stepdaughters as Bonus Dad, he is happier than ever. “It’s like a fairy tale,” he said. “My wife and I have joked about sending thank-you cards to our exes.”

Would they have done anything differently?

Recently, in an e-mail exchange, Ms. Hess asked Mr. Hummer whether he could have imagined a different outcome, if they had moved away from family and friends and she had painted while he did woodworking.

“Would it have been different?” she asked.

“Probably,” he wrote.

“Was that ever going to happen?” she replied.

“Not in a million years.”

Advice for others divorcing at their age?

He: During the settlement, separate your feelings about who is to blame and focus on your future; cars and houses can be replaced. “Don’t love anything that can’t love you back,” he said. When he finally let go of blaming her, he was able to love someone else.

She: Get a good therapist and a good lawyer — a perspective from the outside clarifies issues and can be a huge support. Otherwise the same issues that cloud the marriage cloud the divorce.

RELATED: A family therapist discusses how couples can set boundaries with extended familyIf you are a divorced boomer and both you and your ex are willing to be interviewed for this series, please fill out our submission form.
