View profile

It's hard out here for a pimp

Internets, It's a few days early as I'm writing this, so you'll have to forgive me if none of the thi
It's hard out here for a pimp
By Byron Crawford • Issue #118 • View online
It’s a few days early as I’m writing this, so you’ll have to forgive me if none of the things I write about here come to pass.
As you’re reading this, I’m OT, as they say in the drug game, in Memphis, on a pilgrimage to visit the store where Terrence Howard bought that microphone in Hustle & Flow.
Alas, I don’t have a sexy CAC teen runaway with me. If I cop anything, I’ll almost certainly be paying full price.
Earlier in the week, it was announced that the president is trying to spring A$AP Rocky from the pokey in Sweden. He’s offered to personally guarantee Rocky’s bail, probably by putting the deed to the White House up as collateral.
Ironically, the White House was built by black people, as noted by Michelle Obama in one of her off-the-cuff remarks about how, for the first time in her life, she’s proud to be an American.
Sweden has already announced that they could give a rat’s ass about Trump putting up A$AP Rocky’s bail, and it’s not clear to me why Rocky would need the president to bail him out anyway. Presumably, he can pull together the $25,000 or whatever, if he lives in both Soho and Beverly Hills.
Which raises the question: Why is A$AP Rocky being forced to rot in a not particularly bad, weirdly IKEA-like cell? It’s not like he killed someone, or god forbid, did something sexually inappropriate. In the US, they’ll let go home while you wait to stand trial, as long as your mother’s house is worth more than a handsomely equipped Buick.
That’s neither here nor there here in the STL, where you can get a house in an only kinda bad neighborhood for like $12,000. One of the main jails here, the infamous Workhouse, is filthy, overcrowded and has no A/C. Those ICE detention centers are like a jail in Sweden, by comparison. (Longtime Life in a Shanty Town readers will recall that my cousin Don was the youngest person to ever break out of the Workhouse.)
Theoretically, many of the people locked up in the Workhouse—sweating their balls off, slipping in puddles of other guys’ poo, dreading furtive glances from “Nasty” Nate Mortensen—aren’t guilty, in the sense that they’ve yet to be convicted of a crime. But the thing is, you gotta be trying pretty hard to get arrested in the city. Most crimes they could give a rat’s ass about.
But I digress.
Anyway, I’m hoping that Trump really does somehow manage to spring A$AP Rocky from the pokey, if only for the lulz. Imagine the thinkpieces that will ensue. Black pundits will have to grapple with the fact that Donald Trump is arguably a better person than most Democratic politicians… for what it’s worth. Joe Biden, for example, wrote the 1994 crime bill that resulted in skyrocketing incarceration rates, and Bernie Sanders voted for it. Kamala Harris is a cop. Donald Trump, meanwhile, offered to post bail for a black guy who’s obviously guilty.
True, they did get Trump on tape discussing potential conquests (if you will) with Jeffrey Epstein at Mar-a-Lago in 1992, but if you notice, all of the girls in that video looked way older than anyone you’d want to have sex with if you were worth a billion dollars (no Arruh), like they’d accidentally stumbled upon some happy hour for secretaries, and none of them seemed at all bothered by Trump putting his hands all over them, lending credence to the president’s claim that, if you’ve got enough money, girls will let you grab them by the pussy.
Take it easy on yourself,


Did you enjoy this issue?
Become a member for $5 per month
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Byron Crawford
Byron Crawford


You can manage your subscription here
Powered by Revue