empty nest syndrome

I wrote about my empty nest many years ago, and admittedly I was pretty cocky back then.

Sure, I lamented that I was sad that my second child had left for college, but I came full circle and conceded to a brief recovery period.

Soon after all my kids were gone, I realized it was quite refreshing to sleep without having one ear open until they had all come home at all hours of the night. I also didn’t miss the towels spilling out of the hamper in their linen closet, or the fact that they actually expected dinner on the table around 6 p.m., when I preferred to walk the dog with the husband and eat later in the evening.

And the beauty of it all was that when I did start to miss them, they came home! Weekends, holidays, and the way-too-long Christmas breaks gave me just the “fix” I needed to help me look forward to their departures.

But now is a different story. The older one just received her master’s degree last week from Johns Hopkins in Baltimore and informed us that one place she will not be looking for a new job is in way-too-cold Albany, New York, where we live. The younger one will be finishing her master’s at Boston University in the spring, and she, too, is not rushing back here. Their friends, careers, and futures are not here.

Me, My Husband, and the Dog

The reality of empty nesting is setting in: It really is just me, the husband, and the dog.

Empty nest syndrome affects different people in different ways, but commonly it means feelings of depression, grief, and sadness experienced by parents (mostly mothers) when their children leave home.

It's prevalent at this time of year, when kids go back to college after long holiday breaks. But it also pops up when the last child gets married (or finally gets a job and their own apartment).

best nest

Some believe women are more vulnerable to empty nest syndrome because it often strikes at the time in a woman's life when she's also going through menopause and caring for elderly parents. It's not a clinical disorder, but it's a common phenomenon.

It's normal to experience periods of teariness, like that kind that prompted me to spend time in my absent children’s bedrooms to feel closer to them. At least some of my sadness is centered around dealing with the mess they leave when they do pop in and out. But it finally sank in after they left last week that they truly do not live in those rooms anymore.

If you experience more severe symptoms as an empty nester, such as excessive crying, feeling that your life is no longer useful, or intense sadness that keeps you from going to work or out with friends, consider getting professional help.

Don't Turn the Kid's Room Into a Gym Just Yet

On the flip side, the Mayo Clinic notes, studies have found that many parents see their children's departures as a positive opportunity to reconnect and pursue new interests.

If you're having trouble adjusting to your empty nest, here are some potential positives, and a few tips, you may not have thought of:

  1. If you're a caregiver for an elderly loved one, you now have more time to devote to them.
  2. You can turn to friends for help and support. Many are in the same situation as you, and those with older children can give you the benefit of their experience.
  3. It's easier than ever to keep in touch with your children. Texting, FaceTime, and Skype all allow for almost instant access, and if you're lucky, you may get a timely response. If you're totally blessed, they'll friend you on Facebook and you can stalk their every move.
  4. If your kids are in college, you can stay informed about their school. Most universities have a parent web site.
  5. You can reinvent yourself. Volunteer on boards working for causes that interest you, or sign up for committees. Try new hobbies. I am going to write a book!
  6. If you were a stay-at-home parent, you now have time to start a new career.
  7. You'll have more time to plan, and actually go on, vacations.
  8. Before you go to Home Depot and start a DIY project to turn their rooms into a gym or media space, remember that they'll most likely come back — at least for holidays and random weekends. Mine have requested that the pink walls and polka dot comforters remain untouched.
  9. You might even get a gift like the one my husband bought me: Fifty Shades of Grey. The trilogy, no less. Enough said.