Wednesday, October 20, 2010

PYHO: Pour Me A Large Glass

All it takes is one wrong word or something to set the mood in a bad light or some one not doing what they should be doing. The stress sets in and the mood changes. Then something else happens and escalates the mood and before you know it you can cut the tension with a knife.

That is just one moment of what it was like before I broke down and went to to doctor. Ten months ago I decided that I couldn't stand treating my family with such anger and meanness.

I have had stress issues since my teen years and they had manifested into much more after marriage and children. But you try to ignore the problem and after an outburst you say it's the last time. But I can say it's like a drug. You say "this is the last time". And then it happens again. Something irritates you and you get mad and when it's all over you apologize. You say it won't happen again, you won't get mad but you're only fooling yourself.

Then it happens again. But it's meaner and nastier than the last time because mentally you got away with nasty last time so you push it more. The best way I can describe it is like seeing red. You get so upset that you don't realize how mad you are and anything can irritate you while you're in this rage.

I broke down in tears and called my doctor one morning after yelling at the kids. I gave into turning to medication because praying for strength and asking for forgiveness of my sins wasn't working anymore. It only took eight years to come to terms with the fact that I needed help that I couldn't find alone.

It has been the best thing that has happened to me. Not many people know I take medicine to stay calm. Because honestly, the people that don't know never saw THAT side of me. That part of who I was was not publicly shown. There's no reason to tell them about that part of me because I'm not proud of it.

I hope to one day wean off the medicine. My doctor says it possible. I know that it's not going to be anytime soon. A good example would be this weekend. I got food poisoning and missed a day and half worth of my medicine. My irritability creeped in on me today. The small things started bothering me. It's possible that it was a combination of tiredness, missed medicine, and being overwhelmed that contributed to my irritated mood.

For those people out there that are feeling lost, moody, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, angry, tired... or any other contributing factor added with stress of raising children, keeping house, keeping a husband happy it's ok to admit defeat and seek help. Maybe you won't need medicine, maybe counseling with a therapist is what you need. Don't feel like a failure. Because for many years I felt like if I asked for help that I was admitting there was a problem and I didn't think there was.


Eternal Lizdom said...

Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for being brave enough to realize you needed more help. That is true wisdom and love in action.

Shell said...

I truly believe that some people need meds. That it's not a weakness, but an actual need. Good for you for getting the help that you need.

Di said...

I just told my hubby this morning that he needed to go back on his antianxiety meds for the same reason. Not that I don't love him but that his mood swings are killing our relationship. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

My Mom used to say that you were weak if you couldn't "heal yourself". I subscribed to that theory for a long time until I could only stop crying to yell at someone. I needed help, and my husband helped me realize that there is nothing wrong with that.
I'm glad you came to the same realization, and are sharing it with others.

We 2 Bees said...

Thanks for sharing! Realizing you needed help was a brave decision to come too. It's one of the reasons I started yoga to help with de-stressing.

Lori said...

Sometimes we do need help and I personally believe that God uses medication and doctors to give us the help we've been praying for sometimes. I'm glad you've found this to be something that has helped!

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you girl. You are such an example of faith and love. Good for you for doing what you needed to do. Love you!

Casey said...

Thank you for being so open and honest. I have had the same issues since being a teen. I now take medicine and it has been a huge help. I am glad you finally made that call, you are strong and amazing

Renegades said...

I don't think needing meds is a weakness. In fact I think it takes great strength to admit a person needs help.

I was sucicdal. I do take two meds. I'm thankful the anxiety and depression meds are available as I've got two little beings I wouldn't want to leave for anything in this world. I just got out of focus and racked with anxiety and that anxiety is horrible.

Good for you for getting help. If you had broken your arm you'd go get help. Why not get help when you know you need it for your mind?

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

I'm so glad you found something to help you. There is no shame in relying on medication! I admire you for your honesty!