They Ruined the App

They ruined the app again. And this time it’s totally ruined. I keep checking the app, to see if they’ve un-ruined it yet, but every time—still ruined.

The app used to be perfect. It had the old icons! The old interface! The old font! Also, it had no ads besides that big one. But now the app is different and ruined, and I’m never going to use it again after this one last time.

How can they expect us to pay zero dollars for this app? It’s so ruined. If you still don’t understand why it’s ruined, peep that longread I app-stickied (new feature).

Wait, did you already update the app? If you did, you’re basically infected. You’re Tech-phoid Mary. You should be quar-app-tined.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not a knee-jerk change-hater. I’m fine with bug fixes and improvements and nothing else. I’m only asking why they clearly hate us and had to ruin the app forever. And I’m only asking that question on my Twitter account, Instagram feed, and skywriting flights.

It’s not like I’m “obsessed” or anything. I have a life (which I live-stream, to live-update about App-ghazi!!!).

Honestly, I was already kind of over the app. I used it daily and pressured all of my friends into using it and booked my flight to AppCon this morning. But I’m supes over it.

The new app broke my phone, practically. The new app cracked my screen, more. The new app uses so much data, I’m pretty sure.

And it’s, like, hello, 👏 THE 👏 OLD 👏 APP 👏 WAS 👏 FINE.


I heard that the app resets if you stay in airplane mode for forty-eight hours. I heard that the app restores if you link it to your blood type. I heard that the app is made good again if you uninstall, put your phone in your Instant Pot, cook it on “sauté: extreme,” go for a carriage ride, let your apartment burn down, fish your phone out of the cinders, reinstall, and rinse.

If your phone isn’t rinseable, how did you use the app in the first place?

Admit it: the ruined app is a nightmare. And now it’s ruined-ruined. Because these changes will destroy the app’s best feature—the app’s wonderful creative community. Also, good lord, when is somebody going to put an end to the app’s horrible toxic community?

It’s not just the trolls. Even the good users are crazy bitter.



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