The Chronicles of Chill: The Savor of Celebritine


Brethren, the chill in the land was an uneasy one because there was much wailing. The wailing was louder than it ever was or ever had been because the Lovengers were wailing as well. No more did they take pride in the King’s posture, no basked in the glory of his utterances nor inhaled deeply the fragrance of his kaka. The wailing reached Bedrock, but all refused to hear it for it was better to be infused with the membrane of the Many Years’ disease, which troubled the King.

The people were united in their wailing for many-a-reason. The Iron Bank of Boo Jar had run out of copper and had taken to disbursing coins of wood. Mefilius ensured that that the King and his councillors had all the wooden coin they needed, in copious amounts. The councillors were mildly worried that the coin of the Kingdom was flammable and combustible but it took care of their many needs.

At senatii, Dinobetes Melitus presented the matter of the camp of the displaced and the corruptio korikonensis. For word had come forth that the council for that Balavida, who was squire to the King’s council, had been put in charge of the succour-bringing intervention council of Gambrach and had paid himself from the King’s purse to cut the corruptio korikonensis. And the men and women of senatii were filled with rage and called for Gambrach to relieve him of his post.

Word reached Balavida that this was the will of senatii concerning him and he said unto them with full vim and vigour, “Ye people of senatii, ye speakest rubbish. Know ye not with whom ye dealest? Una head no correct.” And the senatii heard it and they were like, “Wawu! The effrontery! How dare he say this?” And Abushola, warden of senatii, whose travails were now long since forgotten, for whom wahala was no longer morghulis, said “‘Tis a very serious matter before us brethren Balavida messeth with our swag!”

Brethren, ye know that of all the swag in the land, of all the imbuement of the sweet aroma of gravitas, none was more endowed than E-Dawg, councillor for petrolatum. And E-Dawg had been busy, yo. E-Dawg had voyaged to the congress of the Oligopoly of Petrolatum Conjurers and after a conclave with them, it was agreed that all but the Kingdom of Gambrach would conjure less petrolatum. And as E-Dawg stepped out of the conclavic congress, behold, the prayers of Gambrach were answered, as the price of petrolatum ascended.

And the people asked him, “How achievest thou this feat, E-Dawg?” And he answereth unto them, saying “You know, I’m just gonna be straight with you mehnn…it’s my pimping navy blue suit. You put on pimping threads and keep things 1 hunned, let me tell you mahn, can’t nobody take ya pride, can’t nobody hold you down, oh no, you’re gonna keep on moving. Peace out.” And E-Dawg left them marvelling at the trail of swag he left behind.

In further account of marvelousity, a new spirit traversed the land. The people were divided in their reception of the spirit, for it was unlike the spirits of Wawu and Egbami to which they had grown accustomed. To some it was a benevolent spirit, to others it had a malevolent agenda. It was a spirit of ponzification and its name was MoolahMagicMarvel. It strongly possessed the people of the land causing them to bring their coin, scarce as it was, with a promise to marvelously and magically multiply it. The bankers of Boo Jar warned the people but they would not heed the word, and many emptied their coffers into the temple of MoolahMagicMarvel. For a while, the spirit kept its promise and more followers came. One morning, as the devotees gathered for worship, the temple was sealed shut and the sexton passed a message from the priests unto the people. The spirit though pleased with them was unhappy with their lack of faith and would cause them to desire him more be departing from them for 2 moons!

“Whither our coin?” the people asked. The sexton replied “It is safe in the temple.”

“But we are in need of our coin. In dire need of it. Some of us have sold land, others abandoned our education. What shall we do.”

“Ye shall occupy until the great spirit returneth. Forget ye not, that the most benevolent great spirit had admonished thee, that thou bringest only thy spare coin? If ye doest beyond this and heedeth not the admonition of the great spirit, thou art O-Y-O.”

And brethren, there began to be unchill.

Back in senatii, Magoo awaited confirmation of his appointment as chief of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission – so that he he would really begin his war of marvel, awe and shock against graft in the land. But a scroll had been delivered to senatii, from the Deliverance Squad Squadron, that Mr Magoo did not come to their equity with clean hands. Mr. Magoo neverhessperredit and quickly sent a pigeon to Kyocera, head of the Squadron.

“Dear Kyocera, senatii sayeth unto me that thou bringest a word against me. How can this be? Together we wrought havoc on corrupt judges, not giving a second thought to due process. Thou wert Butch Cassidy and I thy Sundance Kid. Thou wert Batman and I thy Robin. Thou wert Aki and I your PawPaw. Thou knowest, surely that Nollywood maketh not a movie with just Aki! Thou art but the fakest guy.”

Kyocera received the missive from Mr. Magoo and quietly wrote back by return pigeon. “Behold, it is written, on the evil day many will say to me, Dawg, Dawg, ridest I not with thee? Breakest I doors down not with thee? Arresteth not I the grafters in thy name? And I shall say to them, not everyone that rideth with me be my homeboy. Depart from me for I knowest thee not. I say these not to thee however, until thou callest me a fake guy. Behold my pettiness!”

Such was rare in the land and the people thought this meant trouble for Mr. Magoo. But there was an ancient pharisee in the land, much revered, much versed in the law of the land. So versed was he, that he had written several scrolls. And his name, aptly, was Sagacious. Gambrach had appointed Sagacious as chief of the king’s advisory council on graft (another council, yes, the chronicler only records the Tword as it is revealed). Since Sagacious became a courtesan, it seemed to the people that his voice had changed. Sagacious came to the people and said, “In the matter of Mr. Magoo, the most unprecedentedly competent head of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, we shall be ignoring the law of the land, ignoring senatii, and we shall leave Mr. Magoo there for as long as we like. Thus sayeth me! And I say, as Judge Dredd sayeth in the original Stallone movie (not the dreary Karl Urban remake), I AM DE LAW!!!!”

And there was amazement at the words of Sagacious. And there again began to be even more unchill. But a storm was coming, for Gar Bar, head scribe to Gambrach had found his voice again and spoke to the people as it concerned the wedding of Asos and Noodlinho.

“O wretched people of the land, downtrodden of the earth, hoi polloi of our society, ye knowest that the wedding of Gambrach’s daughter Asos to her betrothed, Noodlinho, is ordinarily an occasion of pomp and pageantry – an occasion full of celebritine savor. I say this not unaware of your tribulations; but ye are wretched and my voice, the voice of Gambrach is a blessing unto thee!”

The people were taken aback.

“In a medium-rare, well done, or perhaps only a rare twist, depending on how much thou likenest a twist to a steak, the King has insisted that this wedding shall be entirely private affair.”

The people were confused. But Gar Bar continued.

“This celebritine savor will yet permeate this glorious occasion. Thy king is the bestest most humblest king ever and he protesteth at feeding his guests at the wedding banquet from the Kingdom’s purse. We, his glorious aides, including Balavida – he who cutteth corruptio korikonensis and payeth himself handsomely with money from the King’s purse – have taken it upon ourselves to feed the King’s guests. Thank us, ye peasants, and smell the savour of our magnanimity!”

Behold, chill again departed the land!


The Chronicles of Chill: Kwarapta Intrusivo


Brethren, electoralis came and went in Ondonia and the people were blessed with a new king, Ketinski. The emergence of Ketinski from House Apicuria had sore vexed Shiwajun and it was said that Shiwajun stood with another at electoralis. Alas, there was to be no Wahala Morghulis unleashed this time. And for a while, there was chill.

This was until word reached the people that Gambrach had delayed the joining of his daughter Asos, to Noodlinho. It was said that the people of Noodles came with much lavishiousness to the house of Gambrach forgetting that he was a still in his heart an ascetic man of Gunn. But Noodles promised to do his utmost best to appear less lavish and all was quickly well and there was chill.

Even in the council of Gambrach there was chill. No word was heard from Lar Yi for many moons – twas said that he said, in his inner chamber, that there was only so much plaster that could be plastered on a wall. Mefilius had abandoned the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and was touring the country looking for new fragrances of rice to sniff. “I shall not return to Boo Jar until I have smelt all the rices of the world!” he declared. Woo Doo, who was councillor for farming held his peace, for it was okay to have your guy do some of your work for you.

For DaKidney, there was an inter-kingdom duel of women athletes, holding in the neighbouring Kingdom of Mei Roon. And DaKidney, who was Gambrach’s councillor of athletism, told his fellow councillors, “Behold and Yo, I head to Mei Roon.” Shittinski was jealous and said to DaKidney, “How I wish that I couldest change my name to DaGlove and roll with thee to Mei Roon.”

But Shittinksi had troubles to tend to at home. For the meisters of telefonia, under his prefecture, had announced to the people that a higher levy was henceforth payable on telefonestations (a super means of communication). And a cry rose from the people and went to Shittinski and they said, “Shittisnki! Or DaGlove! However thou choosest to be called. Hear our cry. Is it right, what the meisters would do to us? Wilst thou sit aside and observe?” And Shittinski replied, “Thou callest my names well but I am merely a courtesan of Gambrach. Yes, the meisters are under my prefecture but I know not whether they be right or wrong.” And then he shrieked, hee-hee, and grabbed himself in the region which if he were a woman, in the nature of Trumpet, would be his p…shahmawn! Never mind.

And in this time, the female athletes had been victorious and had triumphed over all the other kingdoms. Behold, the people were ecstatic as the brave warrior women received their crowns. But it was not long before news reached the people that no payment had been made to the athlete ladies. After the embarrassment of Olympia, the people were sure that lightning could no strike twice. But they were shocked, for DaKidney explained to them in his most confident voice “Verily, I say unto thee, I now work tirelessly to see that these beautiful falcon athletes get their coin. They would indeed have received their coin but alas, we did not expect them to win the inter-Kingdoms in Mei Roon. Yes, tis true that they have triumphed 7 out of 9 times and my surprise is a surprise to you, but had we known that they stood a REAL chance of winning, we would indeed have prepared their coin.”

The spirit of Wawu dwelt amongst the people already, so they were not shocked at DaKidney. Nothing shocked the people anymore. Well, almost nothing, for in North Easteros, a little storm was brewing. Not the evil force of the evil tribe of Boko but still, connected with to the people driven from their lands by the tribe. Gambrach had commissioned a special intervention council to bring succor to the displaced, but there was a huge, huuuuuge problem encountered by the intervention council. On their way to the camp of the displaced, they ran into a huge forest of tall grasses, of the specie corruptio korikonensis, also known as CK. The CK was so dense that they had to expend 200 million Mefilian shekels on clearing the grass.

Once it was cleared, they continued on their journey into the camp of the displaced, singing that ancient motivational song, Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Not long after, they came across yet another swamp of obstructive weeds. They did their very best but the weeds were really obstructive. This is because these new weeds were of the specie kwarapta intrusivo. They thought long and hard about it and realised that they had no choice but to spend a few hundred more Mefilian shekels clearing it.

Such was their hard luck, that by the time they reached the camp of the displaced, there was very little left of the money to feed the displaced. If not for those dastardly forest species blocking the yellow brick road. But it got worse, for senatii wished to take a look at the activities of the intervention council and they found that two and a half billion shekels of the succor-bringing funds could not be accounted for. And lo, they looked closer and found the Majirian Institutions of Learning whose existence had previously been denied.

And there was chill because everyone was tired, and we cannot come and go and die.