Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Surprise test

Shut your textbooks, get out a pen and a sheet of paper. Candidates must answer question 1, plus three other questions which must include one fashion dilemma. You have 24 hours. Credit will be given for partial answers if they are VERY good.

Compulsory creative writing question

1. If we were to rewrite John Burningham's Would you rather with dilemmas for the modern age, what would you include?

Example: Would you rather have Simon Cowell sneer at your outfit, Trinny and Susannah poke your boobs, Supernanny tell you your behaviour is "unassettable", or Kim and Aggie look behind your toaster?

Social Studies

2. Is it vulgar to want to mark my blogversary in some way? If I were to organise some kind of small gathering in Brussels would that be ridiculous? If you are an axe murderer, please go to question 2a. If you are not, please go to question 2b.

2a Would you take advantage of such an occasion to dismember me and place my remains in refuse sacks?

2b Would you come? Would it be unbearably awkward and we would find nothing to say to each other and you would make your excuses after five minutes leaving me alone with a table full of politician shaped cupcakes?


Answer one only of questions 3 to 6

3. How short is too short when you are 34 and have reasonable legs apart from the knees and the thighs and sometimes the left ankle?

4. When do I have to give up on opaque tights for the year? Is temperature or month the deciding factor?

5. Do I have to give in and accept that wedges are a force for good in the world?

6. Construct five work outfits from a summer capsule wardrobe consisting of:

a) White and blue horizonal striped Sonia skating skirt
b) Geranium strappy Ferragamo sandals
c) Cream cotton Comtoir des Cottoniers peacoat with huge coffee stain down the front
d) Gaping, cleavage revealing Ginka black silk top with red and brown polka dots and a poorly placed bow, very mumsy.
e) Silver Paul & Joe vest, beautiful but obscenely low cut.
f) Black M&S short swingy cotton jacket, 3/4 length sleeves, big buttons, very faded, much loved.
g) Blue-white legs, horrid toenails and heat rash (model's own).

You also have access to a pair of curtains with cream zebras on them, 3 pairs of size 6 Reiss sale capri pants (blue, grey and black) that you can only get up to your knees and normal household equipment.

Home economics

7. What can I make tonight with thin strips of pork fillet without using rice or onions? Recipe must not include more than 4 ingredients, or take more than 10 minutes.

8. Why does dog food smell so gross? Why can't it smell of lavender, or grass, given that dogs happily consume both these things?

9. You have €80 that must last you until 5 May. You need to pay the cleaner (€60), pay for school meals (€120), feed a family of 4 and organise a Pokémon birthday party for eight 7 year olds. What do you do? Show your working.


10. Is it wrong to wear a small live tortoise as a brooch? Why? Does it make a difference if the tortoise is studded with self-adhesive rhinestones?

11. Belgium. Why?

Modern languages

12. Use the words varkensnoet, shackass, hevigesnurken in their proper context in a single sentence.


Mrs Trefusis... said...

Blogoversary celebrations sound fabulous. As long as I can invent my own line of Hallmark cards for the occasion. I shall start thinking of cheering rhymes to go with the pictures of cuddly dinosaurs peeking coyly out of old boots etc. Though I think Weepette could have his own range....
How short is too short? Karl Lagerfeld has strong views on short being on the knee at a certain age. But I think this might be 35 rather than 34. Will have to google it. Until I can offer the exact fashion diktat, wear your hemline as high as you dare

Fanny said...

1. If you had to go on Britain's Got Talent: Would you rather... do mime or eat a varkensnoet?

Social Studies

2. You should have a blogversary!


5. Never give in on the wedges, but wear them anyway because they're comfy and maybe noone will notice. Alternatively, get some cleverly disguised wedges from Irregular Choice.

Home economics

7. Pork fillet a la varkensnoet?

8. Dog food smells gross because it only contains 4% meat (really - check the tin! It freaked me out, now I am overcome with guilt and apprehension every time my dog moves).

9. You have €80... Tell the cleaner it is English custom to pay her in forged book tokens, tell the school that you are fasting(again, English custom). So, you still have £80. Sell the Reiss capris on eBay and make a cool profit. You now have at least £150 to spend on food, Pokemon, and go ahead and treat yourself to a cupcake.


10. It is fine to wear a tortoise as a brooch - I'd say it's high fashion. Definitely one step beyond those rinestoned cockroaches they were flogging on TV a while ago.

11. Belgium. Why?
Because it's Belgium. It's a circular thing.

Modern languages

12. My partner does the hevigesnurken so badly, I somethimes wake up at night yelling SHAKASS, but then I calm down and chew on a varkensnoet.

Dammit, Jaywalker, you've stolen my lunch break again!

Mrs Trefusis... said...

OK: here's the answer to Question 6
Answer: Will need additional budget. Though less than 10 euros per outfit. You will find that Tortoise Brooch is this season’s essential statement piece

Outfit 1: Cocktails
Photoshoot for catalogue: You lounging louchely at local Style Bar with martini glass. Do not attempt to look at camera or smile – looks too commercial
Method: Remove bow from Ginka top. Wear with Paul & Joe silver vest underneath, under which you will need to wear black camisole from Zara (6 euros). Stuck for trousers: though if you eat Thierry tapeworm, the black Capri pants would work well. I have never been a size 6, not even in my bonkers days, however.

Outfit 2: Lunch with girlfriends
Photoshoot for catalogue: cue cheezee pic of you outside trendy brasserie laughing with other similarly well dressed women, who are your ‘friends’ for the purposes of the photoshoot
Method: Take Geranium sandals, buy geranium (or similar) nail varnish from DelHaize (3 euros) to disguise toe nails. Olive oil on legs (shiny white better than matt white – see dulux for details), Sonia Skating skirt, Peacoat. Disguise coffee stain with tortoise brooch. Alternative look if Olive Oil bare leg treatment fails – wear with leggings (probably navy) – Approx 6 euros. Do not attempt to customise Wolfords: go to Belgian equiv of Top Shop.

Outfit 3. Dinner with friends
Photoshoot – similar to above, but at night.
Method: Ginka black silk top (do not replace bow), aforementioned Tortoise brooch, black M&S coat. Black Capri pants (see Thierry Tapeworm)

Outfit 4: groovee yummy mummy
Photoshoot. Same as most of above, but with cappucini to drink
Silver top worn with 6 euro black camisole for modesty (or boob tube if straps of camisole don’t work with straps of silver top)
Black M&S coat with Tortoise on lapel
Geranium sandals
Thierry tapeworm Size 6 Reiss Capri pants in Black.
Alternatively, could wear with black leggings see above.

Outfit 5; Stylish shopping with friends
Photoshoot: in out of town shopping centre, accessorised with lots of empty designer carrier bags.
Black M&S Coat
New Zara black camisole
Palazzo pants fashioned from Zebra curtains

Outfit 6
Cream peacoat, splashed decoratively with more coffee to work it as new ethnic inspired trend (am thinking would look like Giraffe print?)
Thierry tapeworm size six Navy Capri pants
Geranium sandals

Pochyemu said...

Just reading the leading paragraph gave me anxiety, exam style. Art mirroring life a little too closely, me things.

1. I don't know who he is, too tired to look.

2/2b. Have a party, but only once I'm done w/exams/graduation/am financially stable. I would NEVER FORGIVE YOU for having a party that I couldn't attend. If this is of no concern to you, touche - proceed! Pfff!

3. Never too short, unless bits are showing.

4. Give them up when start heat-fainting.

5. Wedges are for pole dancers and ladies from Monte Carlo only.

6. Darling, I can't even get myself dressed in the morning. There is no way I will be able to assist you here.

7. Strips of pork w/rice and onions a staple of the Pochyemu household. Replace rice with cous cous and the onions with shallots and there you fucking go. If they ain't makin it, they ain't get to comPLAIN.

8. Toby has the worst farts ever, so I get to smelly stinky dog food twice.

9. I will answer this question if you tell me how to pay: £975 rent, £400 utilities for winter, £70 food shop per week and a half, and £15/wk petrol with the £600 I have to last me from 2 days ago until 18 May, due to husband's persisting unemployment.

10. Live tortoises shit, don't they? Wear him, but do not attach to silk Lim blouse. Use M&S tops.

11. I don't know - move to London.

12. I'm going to shackass my husband's varkensnoet if he doesn't get off his hevigesnurken and get a fucking job. Not proper context, but necissary to get out.

redfox said...

1. Would you rather have the surname Varkensnoet or Jigglypuff? Would you rather have the first name Walloon or Snorelax? What if you have to have one of each? Snorelax Varkensoet? Walloon Jigglypuff?

4. Opaque tights: The deciding factor is temperature or month, WHICHEVER COMES LAST. If it is still spring or still cold enough that you need to wear a jacket, you may wear the opaquest tights you like. No arguments.

(Incidental to 6b. I would like some geranium strappy sandals, please. Also, I am still pining after those $800 black weirdo shoes I mentioned a month ago, though I bought rather nice not-so-strappy taupe sandals of some boutiquey Spanish brand that only cost about $300 that I didn't really have, instead. A bargain!)

7: What to make with thin strips of pork fillet: a chic little torque. No onions or rice involved.

redfox said...

Oh, and 2: You should certainly celebrate! Since I am on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean from you, it is unlikely that I would attend an actual gathering, and anyway I am not among the most highly salient participants here, but surely you should have one. And actually, we might be in London some this summer. Wouldn't you like to celebrate at Liberty?

fabhat said...

1. Would you rather be "misted" by an incontinent tortoise or be covered in barbeque sauce by dinosaurs?

2. Celebrate the blogversary with cake and a party. Unfortunately I am not allowed back to Brussels after the unfortunate incident. I would instead toast you virtually and await your regal tour of your devotees, rather like Queen Elizabeth the 1st's tours of her subjects.
4. Don't give up on opaques - simply swap black opaques for coloured ones...currently my favorites are raspberry pinkish and turquoisy green both from uniqlo at £2 per pair. People admire them, I feel summery, yet warm and fashion forward all at the same time.
7. Mushrooms, cream, cider and cold potatoes. Slice into discs and fry cold potatoes in oil til crispy saute potatoes. Meanwhile fry pork, add mushrooms, then cider then cream and cook til alcohol gone and smells good. Eat. Accept no complaints from children or CFO and suggest thierry as subsitute if they do not appreciate your culinary efforts.
10. Not wrong - use no more nails adhesive pads to retrain wanderings of tortoise. Stick on crystals and slim silver chains will add to it's charm.
11. Better Belgium than Luxemborg. Really.
12. Shakass. Put that varkensnoet down and go and do your hevigesnurken RIGHT NOW!

Jaywalker said...

This might actually make for THE BEST COMMENTS ever. Though I am currently drunk and unreliable.

Titian red said...

Sadly NHS will not allow us to take exams during working hours - hardly cheating at all if I spend afternoon thinkinga bout answers to write this pm ? - btw first time I read this there were only 3 questions.... do they breed when you look away ?

wv wilisau - how appropriate

Chantal said...

This is definitely the toughest test I've had to take since leaving school. I don't think I can compete. But I will try.

1. If you could only use one form of transport for the rest of your life, would you rather use a Brussels tram or a London bendy bus?

2. Absolutely not at all vulgar and in fact totally delightful and the excuse I need to get my arse to Belgium.
2b) Can I have a Malcolm Tucker cookie instead?

3. Trick question. Wear capri leggings/footless tights and ballet pumps (mmm, French Sole) and you can wear the shortest pelmet known to mankind and still look respectable, so long as, and this is key, the leggings are opaque. Also, this means you only have to shave your legs from about two thirds of the way down your shins. Time-saving and fashion-conscious.

7. Stir fry? Pork fillet strips, soy sauce, beansprouts if you have 'em and anything green that's lying about. Would take about 4 minutes. Mmmm, stir-fry.

8. I can't help with this one. I once came home from school and asked my dad what was for dinner because it smelled so good. He looked a bit nonplussed and told me that he hadn't started cooking yet, although he had just fed the cats...(sorry).

9. Put it all on a horse/football match/misc. sporting event at the bookies and hope it wins. If it wins, you're in the money, and if you lose, simply tell the CFO you were mugged on the tram. He will hopefully be so sympathetic and horrified he will tide you over until payday.

10. It's probably all the rage amongst the WAGs of pirates, I would imagine. Make sure the tortoise is wearing a discreet nappy. Maybe a rhinestone one.

11. Beer, waffles, real gold leaf on external architecture, the Musical Instrument Museum, moules frites, eccentricity as a national pasttime (sp?).

12. "Shackass! Stop your hevigesnurken or I'll make you into varkensnoet pie".

Lulu LaBonne said...

That's easy:
1) I'd have High Pants Cowell sneer at me so I could have an excuse to shoot him

2) Pork Strips make an eye mask to soothe tired eyes

3) go with wearing the tortoise - I peel old squashed frogs off the road and sew them into jaunty curtain pelmets, it works as long as the relative humidity isn't too high to rehydrate them

Lulu LaBonne said...

On q2 - add the onions only if you're looking for extra sympathy

Anonymous said...

Ooh, exciting!

1. Would you rather eat a dodgy kebab in a taxi, sample snail porridge, or breathe in a cocktail whilst surrounded by architectural jellies?

2. Not vulgar at all. To be serious for a second, if you have the motviation to put a whole year into something, you inherit the right to celebrate it as you wish.

4. You never have to give up opaque tights - you just have to change the colour! Blacks may look a little summer-hating (unless you live in the dark damp depths of Englan, where summer is a metaphor for winter)- but there are plenty of light bright tights out there!

10. It is only wrong to wear the small live glittery toroist if it complains. And lets be honest, who wouldn't want to be a living gem studded brooch. Oh, wait... I probably wouldn't... but hey!

Bath bun said...

2. Yes, definately, a must.

5. Wedges are ugly but only side-on. As you can only see yourself side-on when looking in the mirror, why care.

7. Noodle and pork soup. All those ingredients lurking at the back of the fridge will blend in nicely.

11. Belgium? Better to say Brussels? I mean, Erps Kwerps or Dworp, definately not, but Brussels, it's got it's plusses and its nearer to London by train than Leeds is.

I'll pass by soon for full Betty's update.

Nimble said...

Still working on my exam. But wanted to pass on this lovely article about John Burningham that I was prompted to look up. Thanks for the tip!

monk said...

1. Would you rather be called Emma Slagroom or Emma Varkensnoet?

2 no. Do it
2b yes. and yes. I imagine it to be terribly british and I'd enquire after the children and ask where you got your dress from and then be all awkward and run away with the cupcakes. Do it x2

7. Wiener schnitzel. Minature ones. Then you have an excuse for a themed Austrian evening with cake and white wine spritzers in the sun. Get out your best fur coat and look disapproving.

11 It's so easy to get everywhere else.

peevish said...

#8: Dogs also eat vomit and cat shit, so the dog food could smell worse. Let's focus on the positive.

#10: Get out your hot glue gun and glue a safety pin onto your tortoise's shell. Now you have a cute, helplessly struggling little accessory.

justme said...

Your test is MUCH to hard for my addled brain today.
Blogversary celebrations sound like an excellent plan!

Anonymous said...

Simply cannot tell you how much I would love to have the time to do this fabulous post justice! Alas, I am too busy demanding congratulations on my own blogoversary to have a spare 15 min!

I think I would go for the boob poking.

dez said...

2b: ABSOLUTELY. (Hoping it won't be in June because I'll be away.)
The rest will follow when I have a little time.

Titian red said...

Dear Miss Whiplash

Would you rather fill in your tax form with an accountant with halitosis and creeping hands
Pay the government what they say you owe them

Not vulgar in the slightest,should be celebrated with cake and fireworks blessed by HT (tm). I would love to be invited and we could talk about dog poking (search engine goes mad)

How short is too short ?
All depends which tram you are on
How much you have drunk
How much you have to last until May 5th

8 Because if the food wasn't smelly the farts would not be so repellant and Silent One and I would loose one of our few topics of conversation

11 Because otherwise Tintin would have nowhere to live

kathycastro said...

1. Would you rather bathe in Mamie's tinned carrots, marry Damien or fashion Thierry Tapeworm into a chic handbag?

2. Your blogversary is a Very Important Holiday and absolutely should be celebrated. And if you can time said celebration for my return to London for my citizenship swearing in, I will be on the Eurostar like a shot, possibly with Boris Johnson cupcakes in hand. I suspect we'd all be drunk and in tears of laughter within an hour and would have a giant slumber party.

4. Opaque tights must be mothballed in May. For all who believe you can just switch to colours, I offer this http://tinyurl.com/cnbsns as evidence that this is ill-advised.

7. I am guessing I'm too late, since it's 9:30 in Belgium, but mini schnitzels would be lovely. Bit of egg, some bread crumbs, shallow frying pan, Bob's your uncle. Serve w/saute potatoes.

8. Because dog food IS gross. Same reason poo smells gross.

9. I'm afraid the answer to your financial problems is probably hot tortoise sex with the CFO for money. Sorry.

10. Small live tortoises would make lovely brooches, provided you fashioned a small tortoise nappy out of the mumsy bow from the Gingka black silk top. Rhinestones would be a nice addition, but are not necessary.

11. Blue brains. Orange bunnies. Ice cream for breakfast. Beer on trams. Need I go on?

12. Shackass! If you don't stop the hevigesnurken I'm going to cut off your shackass varkensnoet and serve it for dinner, shackass.

This test was tres difficile. Respect to those who get A's.

screamish said...

ergh. I don't understand. I DONT UNDERSTAND any of these questions. I last went shopping at Emaus (french version of Charity Shop)

I think i have disqualified myself from your test, and possibly from modern life in general. I'm SORRY§§§

But i would love to meet in Waffleland for apero. I'll bring the aoili, the kangaroo steaks and the music (I am a music fascist).

Aware this is unlikely, and given I think I saw the word "tapeworm" in Madame Trefusis' comment, I hereby elect her as my representative, in the spirit of Queensland politics gerrymandering. I vote Trefusis.

screamish said...

23 comments is a ridiculous number of comments, by the way

Red Shoes said...

I love, LOVE that screamish just had a little tantrum.

Screamish, we need to exchange lists of approved bands. I am deeply interested in your fascist regime.

Jaywalker said...

Screamish AND Pochyemu, who basically have done the equivalent of writing "I can't do this because my pen is broken and I ran out of time and the hamster ate my brain".

The Wafflevigilator is MERCILESS. (and still drunk)

Layla said...

1. Would you rather dally with beautiful Mexican boy in park, or strange ginger man on tram? I thought so.

2. Brussels BlogBirthday Extravaganza excellent idea, and would probably be the most exciting thing that ever happened in Brussels - since Waterloo, anyway. Sadly, would be unable to attend, but would participate by simultaneous drinking of vile Turkish wine, while following live on twitter.

5. Wedges are tools of the Evil One, designed to be worn by Limbs of Satan. Participation not mandatory.

7. Give pork to dog, and order pizza.

8. Time to start manufacturing your own brand of lavender-scented dog-food.

9. Embezzle.

10. Yes. It might disappear down your bra, never a good thing in a business meeting. Attach it firmly to your hat instead.

11. Because Holland would be lonely without it.

12. I googled the words varkensnoet, shackass, hevigesnurken , and came across this quite extraordinary blog, with Holy tortoises and feral cakes…

GingerB said...

I am quite possibly not Eurodroney enough for this test but I must participate or I'll have to stamp my stupid American foot.

Would you rather expose blue legs under giant yellow orb at risk of causing sun spots by refracted light bouncing around, or risk letting internet friends know that your fashion sense is wholly unreliable?

Fashion - Are wedges wrong? Did I sleep through class again?

Home Economics: Point out to CFO that "bad tortoises make good eating" and let on that after the pork, you are thinking of tortoise soup, but if you had the funds you could just buy some Kobe beef. Once you have the money, go vegetarian for a few weeks and call it a cleanse, getting karmic points on the spreadsheet of life. Call in contagious to the cleaner and say about May 6 you might be safe. Feed the dog some lavendar and move on.

Ethics - It can't be wrong to wear an animal if you also eat them. Belgium - this question is too hard.

language - Shackass, if you don't stop that fucking hevige snurken from your varkensnoet, I will give it to the dog myself.

Red Shoes said...

1. Would you rather make out with Twilight boy in knee socks or watch 24 hours of non-stop tortoise sex tapes with sound effects on high volume?

2. NOT VULGAR! 2b. I want to come to the salon. I mean party. I want deviant cupcakes!

5. Wedges are fine and acceptable as long as they look something like this, this or this.

7. Pork strips, garlic, ginger, bok choy over lo mein noodles. And light soy sauce but that doesn't count as ingredient. Nor do the pork strips as they are the inspiration.

8. Feed the weepette kibbles. Much less offensive.

9. C.

10. Certainly not. The tortoise is honored to be recognized for his fashion forward attitude.

11. Because it is strange and therefore, feels like home.

12. Shackass! Shut yer varkensnoet, you filthy hevigesnurken. You make me sick. Putain de écume! Jezusmann.

Ehh? Ehhhh?

screamish said...

Its the next day and i hanve a hangover thanks to this post.

I stayed up just that extra hour too long last night reading the comments and guzzling strong red wine. thanks for that.

Red Shoes- I am indeed a music fascist, we should duel.

Juci said...

1. If you had to sell a household 'item' to get some money because otherwise you wouldn't eat for two weeks, would you rather sell the laptop or the weepette?
2. I have already answered this, but I realised only now that I was logged in with my husband's account (dez). So, yes, you should, and 2b: I would absolutely love to go. I would bring a cake, too.
3. It's too short if your undies are showing. Otherwise you're fine. Make sure you check in the mirror what happens when you sit down.
7. Sorry, I must pass, but I believe the question is no longer valid anyway so I am off the hook.
8. I would very much like to know the answer to that one myself. It makes me want to puke. It's right next to the sweets in our local Delhaize. I think they're doing it on purpose.
I would also like to offer a similar question: why does baby formula smell and taste like vomit? And why on earth do babies drink it anyway?
9. Is it very vulgar to offer you a small loan to tide you over? I seriously don't see a viable alternative to that one.
10. No, it is not wrong, but it might prove to be challenging. How do you intend to fasten it to your clothing? And I am worried about the damage those sharp claws can do. I find Layla's idea genius: it would sit comfortably on a hat, basking in the spring sunlight. Maybe add some salad leaves to keep it happy and occupied.
11. Why not? I mean, is there ever a better answer to anything else? It's completely random and arbitrary. (Belgium, that is.) In fact, it's a very good model of life, the universe and everything.
12. (whispered narration, David Attenborough style): "The shackass is closing in on its prey, a young aardvark that is looking for ants under a tree stump, digging them out with its varkensnoet. The distinct sound it makes while looking for food is called 'hevige snurken' by the locals - it resembles a fully-grown man's loud snoring and is thus a very surprising sound to hear in the bushland."
(Sorry if this is not the proper context, I didn't want to repeat what others have already phrased so well before me.)
WV: taness - I am the exact opposite, actually.

JustaRabbit said...

1. Would you rather live in part of town that people always say "oooh, that's very hip", but everyone wears tight skinny jeans and pleather tights (oh right, we're calling them "wet-look" now), so you'll always look frumpy.

Or would you rather move somewhere more typical for your age, but then have to deal with snobby parents who care way too much about your choice of clothing & hair (in-season, matchy, not too flashy & don't forget your makeup) when you drop kids off at ecole first thing in AM?

2. Blogiversary! Perhaps in honour we followers should make cupcake honoring keyword searches and send photo to you.

3. I came up with an equation! Related to relative amount of cover of upper leg including knee, where (queen at age 60 = 100%) and (tween at age 12 = 0%). Plotted, it gives 44% leg cover at age 35. Though you have to add 5% if you will be seen with children for more than 10 minutes or if you have ennui-enducing job in not-hip part of city. If in hip-part of city, subtract 5% but you must add wet-look leggings.

8. Dog gets hippie stuff in plastic container, but it still smells like yucky dog food. Only ingredient that we don't eat ourselves is bone. Perhaps bone is the problem?

magpie said...

1 Would you rather take a completely pointless but entertaining quiz or do the work that earns you money to live on?

Social Studies

2 No 2b I have agoraphobia but if I did come there would definitely be no cupcakes left over

5 Not if you are planning on remaining vaguely sane
Wear opaque tights throughout summer or colour in legs and toenails with felt tip until presentable.
Skating skirt plus silver vest plus ferragamo sandals = perfect solution to money problems
Turn Comptoir coat inside out and wear with belt as dress
Unpick leg seams of 2 pairs of capris and glue back together with super glue for instant skirt – make sure on is black and colour other in using black permanent marker. Team with silver top and cover any mess with inside out coat.
Take on zebra curtain, fold in half and cut semi circle out of middle of folded edge. Put head through hole. Tie belt around waist to secure or piece of string for added tribal authenticity. Go barefoot a la hippies.

Home economics

7. Cut pork into strips, roast with selection of vegetables in olive oil and added misc herbs. Cover in cream. Takes less than 10 minutes to prepare and can then be ignored til cooked.

8. Because

9. See question 6. Alternatively avoid cleaner and school for as long as possible, even if involves pretending children in intensive care. Actually, if you did end up with children in hospital you wouldn’t need to worry about feeding family of four… Thierry tapeworm may be able to assist with this. Ditto poekmon party.
Otherwise, invite lots of people over and ask each of them to bring nibbles/win/dessert and only eat starters and puddings until money returns. Spaff all money on yellow food colouring and ice everything in sight for party. Strap pillows to self until resembling pokemon creature and provide the entertainment.


10. No. Because. No.

11. Very good question – I think it is to make the rest of Europe look more interesting.

Modern languages

12. Oi, Shackass, have you been kept awake so long by my hevige snurken that you have become delirious and if not why the varkensnoet have you covered our home in yellow icing?

monk said...

I love love love the mental image I have of the wardrobe magpie has just created for you. Especially the inventive use of felt-tip pens. Inspired

Jaywalker said...


Mrs T = aced the fashion questions but failed to answer the compulsory. 13/20 for superlative fashion sense.

Fanny = A really solid performance, all instructions followed, and some truly brilliant home economcs. Perfect modern language question. 17/20

Pochyemu - I am disappointed in you, but you are finished your dissertation, so you can have five bonus points. Sadly that still only brings you up to 11/20.

Redfox - a truly brilliant question 1. Pork torque also rhymes, so bonus marks. And yes, party in Liberty, absolutely. 16/20

fabhat - a good allrounder, good on compulsory, ethics and home ec especially, but let down by the suggestion of raspberry or turquoise tights. Seriously woman, if you saw my face (and indeed my legs) you would know how way off the mark that is. It would be all too Malvolio. 15/20

Chantal - bonus points for the rhinestone nappy and suggesting you might come to my pathetic party. 16/20

LuluLaBonne - basically ignored the instructions but with this phrase "I peel old squashed frogs off the road and sew them into jaunty curtain pelmets" I am OBLIGED to give you 20/20

mysterycreature - your would you rather inspired corrosive envy. DId you go to the walk in cocktail? I so wanted to! tell me more. 11/20

Bathbun - I give you extra marks for wanting to join in the awkwardness fest and for a reasonable answer to the ethics question. 12/20

Monk - it will be a disaster won't it. We won't be able to look each other in the eye at all. Yeah, have to do it. 13/20 for the wiener schnitzels

Peevish - you are competing with Lulu for top marks due to "cute, helplessly struggling little accessory" 18/20

TitianREd - a very solid performance from the NHS. Reliable. Thorough. 16/20

Kathycastro - I can see your fiendish competitive spirit at work here, and your question 1 is quite inspired. Eeeuw. 18.5/20

Screamish I am giving you the Trefusis score with a twin bonus of three for sympathy. 16/20

Layla well, yes. YES. And you are quite right the pork is still languishing. 19/20.

Ginger - I think it is I who missed fashion class. I have a black hole where wedge acceptance should be. You did well on the test, even from outside of Yurp. 18/20

Red Shoes - have you been drinking beer on test days again? I've told you about that. (also qu 8 it IS kibble. It still smells). 17/20 for the knee socks.

Juci - you get bonus marks 1. for making me think I had a new reader called Des who wanted to come to my pathetic party and 2. for your david attenborough impression. 18.2/20

JustaRabbit - You did me AN EQUATION. EQUATION! Top marks instantly for the mere equation alone. 20/20

Magpie - you are an insane wardrobe genius and both your questions 6 and 9 bear the hallmarks of lengthy thought and mental derangement. You WIN THE QUIZ 21/20

Hurrah! This has been a joy! I will do it again. Soon.

Red Shoes said...

Yes, beer, yes. *shamed* I am partially angry at myself for not working harder to get a perfect score, and partially shocked that I scored as well as I did. Thank goodness for kneesocks.

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