I'm giving "Prince" a decent grade for the simple reason that it's so cheesy you can almost revel in its cheesiness.

Want to punish Iran? Forget economic sanctions. Just force its president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and its mullahs to watch "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" and they'll not only dismantle their nukes program, they'll make a donation to B'Nai B'rith and build a Hooters in downtown Tehran.

Who knew that everyone in Persia -- that's modern-day Iran for the historically challenged -- spoke with a British accent? And that its cities look like computer-generated effects? Or that a sheik with a fondness for ostrich races would espouse his hatred for taxes and big government? At least tea partiers will find something to like.

That said, Iran's leaders might enjoy the film, especially if they like to see American movies shamelessly ripped off and butchered. For example, "Prince" steals liberally from the "Indiana Jones" films, the "Mummy" films and even the "Back to the Future" films, among many others. Moviegoers familiar with the classics will also notice that bits of the "Prince" soundtrack bear a striking resemblance to Maurice Jarre's score for "Lawrence of Arabia."

OK, so the film has no originality, like its youthful target audience cares. To give the movie its due, considering it's based on a video game, "Prince" is not as horrific as some of its predecessors. "Super Mario Bros." anyone? Also, compared to the 2 1/2-hour fashion show disguised as a movie that I saw the previous night, "Prince" looks pretty good. Suffering through "Sex and the City 2," I felt like I was drowning in a pool of estrogen.

Of course, here, the testosterone level reaches flood status with plenty of battles, swordplay and lethal weapon tossing. Throw in a poisonous cloak, poisonous snakes and a buxom princess, and you're all set for adventure of the brainless kind. My favorite mindless moment takes place when our hero somehow finds the princess in the middle of the desert. Maybe he had a really good GPS.

For action junkies, "Prince" demonstrates a fondness for parkour as the hero runs and jumps from building to building without breaking a sweat, let alone a bone. The film may also set the record for most somersaults by a protagonist in a movie.


Director Mike Newell, whose resume includes "Four Weddings and a Funeral," clearly is padding his bank account here. He's not a total stranger to action films, however, as he's filmed "Young Indiana Jones" segments and "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." He can stage a CGI-enhanced battle scene with the best of them even if the special effects look about as realistic as Joan Rivers' face.

Meanwhile, the screenplay by not one, not two, but three screenwriters -- Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro and Carlo Bernard -- provides a primer for on-the-nose dialogue where all the characters say exactly what they're feeling. It's almost like the scribes are writing for 10-year-olds. Wait, they are.

Actually, the plot has so much going on that many of the younger viewers may have trouble keeping up. The film opens with a young Dastan (William Foster) so impressing the Persian King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup) with his derringdo that he adopts the orphan boy as a son. Flash forward 15 years and Dastan (a very buff Jake Gyllenhaal) reluctantly joins his brothers Garsiv (Toby Kebbell) and Tus (Richard Coyle) on an assault of the sacred city of Alamut. The king's brother, Nizam (Ben Kingsley), claims that Alamut has been supplying arms to one of Persia's enemies. Think he's telling the truth?

When the king hears Alamut has been conquered, he's not in a good mood. His mood only gets worse when he is poisoned to death by a cloak given to him by Dastan. His brothers believe that Dastan murdered their father and try to capture him. He, of course, escapes along with Alamut's beautiful but feisty princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton). Notice how all the princesses in these types of movies are beautiful but feisty. It's almost like a cliche. And as incredible as it seems, Dastan and Tamina don't like each other at first. Think they'll eventually fall in love?

The princess follows Dastan because he has acquired a magical dagger that when filled with the right kind of sand gives its owner the power to go back in time. Tamina wants to return the dagger to its rightful place lest it fall into the wrong hands. Like a treacherous, power-hungry villain. Unfortunately, the dagger's side effects include the destruction of mankind. Bummer.

While on this mission, Dastan and Tamina get captured by the aforementioned sheik (Alfred Molina), who wants to return them to the newly crowned King Tus for the reward money. Dastan and Tamina escape again. This film contains a lot of escapes. The bad guy -- still having trouble figuring out who it is -- wants Dastan dead and hires assassins called Hassansins -- I'm not making this up -- to do the deadly deed.

And just when it looks like all is lost, do you think Dastan will use the dagger's powers to save the day? I'll never tell.

To discuss acting in a film like this borders on ludicrous. Gyllenhaal, who received an Oscar nomination for playing a gay cowboy in "Brokeback Mountain," gets to act macho here. Or at least try. Let's just call this creative casting and we hope Jake cashed his check.

As the sheik, Molina digests some scenery while adding some needed humor. Arterton, who already this year provided eye candy in "The Clash of the Titans" remake, provides a confectionery sampler here. She even manages a smile here and there. Kingsley looks as excited to be in this movie as a piece of papyrus.

"Prince of Persia" is the ideal film for people who go to movies with low expectations and don't want to think. In that way, it's kind of like the male equivalent to "Sex and the City 2" without the genital jokes. It's mildly entertaining and sincerely stupid.

"Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action. Running time: 115 minutes. This film opens Friday, May 28.

 "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" Grade: B-

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