Friday, December 1, 2017

The Top 30 Worst Songs of 2017:

Each year it gets harder limiting this list to a mere 30 songs: so many repeat offenders never tire of producing bad musov.

A few superlatives: four former year-end "champions" are back. The overall tally now has clear daylight between the top two artists...both prominent this year again.

Here is the list:

1. Playdough Cooked In Tea (Me & Me): literally a mini-EP full of the same sentence and drawn out horribly that not even IceJJFish could top. Very disturbing too.

2. Mans Not Hot (Big Shaq): every half-assed rapper wants to be Jamaican relevant.

3. Ice On Me (IceJJFish): last year’s worst find back with a vengeance.

4. Ohio Fried Chicken (Jake Paul): at first I thought this was satire but the dangerous thing about Paul is that he’s dead serious with this shit.

5. Rake It Up (Yo Gotti feat. Nicki Minaj): why is Nicki still on these failed thirst-trap projects.

6. Its Everyday Bro (Jake Paul): the Donald Trump of pop music this year.

7. Bingo (Jacob Sartorious): get ready to laugh—but not the good type of laugh.

8. Her Knight (IceJJFish): more retarded foolishness.

9. I Love You Bro (Jake Paul): the sentiment is noted but trashiness undeniable.

10. The Bone (IceJJFish): deliberate crap.

11. Creature (KSI): would be higher but, mercifully, it’s a short song.

12. Saturday Night (Jake Paul): this type of culture appropriation should be illegal.

13. I’m A Lady (Meghan Trainor): her wretchedness is unending.

14. Sheet (Spice): this from a so-called feminist?

15. DN Freestyle (Lil Yachty): a song that mentions turning someone’s mom into a pedophile…immediate pass.

16. Karate (Soulja Boy): he’s not even trying here.

17. Just Like That (IceJJFish): pointless.

18. Hit Em With The Draco (Soulja Boy): a diss track that, alas, will in turn get dissed by critics…like what I’m doing right now.

19. Juice (Lady Leshurr): well, at least the beat is good.

20. Hands Hurt (Soulja Boy): his thin-rap formula refuses to let up.

21. Peek A Boo (Lil Yachty): prime example why thirst rap is failing.

22. Break Up Every Night (The Chainsmokers): how they can follow up a line like, “she wants to break up every night” with, “then tries to fuck me back to life” is beyond reason.

23. Blame It On You (Charli XCX): still shamelessly trying—and failing—to be Billboard pop relevant.

24. Boys (Charli XCX): pointless repetition.

25. Middle Fingers (MISSIO): painful to listen right through.

26. Body Like A Back Road (Sam Hunt): the ludicrous result when country meets, gulp, bro-rap.

27. Bud Like You (AJR): this type of bro-rap should only be heard at football matches.

28. Bloodstream (The Chainsmokers): they say self-diagnosing oneself is the first step.

29. The Last Text (Jacob Sartorious): tries to be mature but a song about text messaging…oy.

30. Weak (AJR): the brothers feel harmonizing choruses can cover up…no they can’t.