Newlyweds George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin, known as the world’s classiest couple, won’t be spending their honeymoon drinking warm champagne and making the bed creak in some Niagara Falls heap. Nor will they be drinking too many Mai Tais and staring nervously at the water on a rumbling Hawaiian island. No, these two, he, the movie star, and she, the famous lawyer, will be spending their first two weeks of marital bliss at their fabulous new country home, some 50 miles west of London.

Just how fabulous is this rambling English estate? It’s so fabulous that The New York Daily News used a picture of the Downton Abbey castle when writing about the house. They got the idea to do that from the Daily Mail, which claims that the house is tricked out with “a state-of-the-art spa complex and a cinema room.” Dang. I wonder if they’re spending a lot of time in the cinema room while on their honeymoon, watching a screener of The Boxtrolls, Clooney making lots of dumb dirty jokes about the title, Alamuddin rolling her eyes and laughing and throwing popcorn at him. (There would be popcorn. And 3D glasses? Sure.) As for the spa complex, I can’t imagine what a newlywed couple could get up to in there. Mostly because I don’t really know what a spa complex is.

It sounds like something that would need a staff to run, but Us Weekly says Clooney and Alamuddin are all alone in the country mansion. They’re having their meals delivered daily by a “private catering company,” which is interesting and a little weird. Do you think that Clooney is having them sneak the meals in, then putting the food on platters and hiding the takeout containers in the trash, throwing a little flour on his face and apron, and bringing the food to the table like he just made it? He’s an actor! He could pull it off. “My goodness, George. I had no idea you could cook. What is it?” “Uh, it’s, y’know, squab or whatever.” “I think it’s fish. Do you know what you’ve made?” “Of course. I was just joking. American humor. It’s fish à la George. Eat up!” She’ll find out one day, obviously, but hopefully by then things will be going well enough that it won’t matter. For now, George Clooney is dancing as fast as he can.

Meanwhile Alamuddin’s gotta figure out how the hell they’re going to pay for their wedding, which People reports cost a million and a half bucks. Between that and fancy English manor houses, things have gotta be stretched pretty tight right now. She might have to take on some shady medical malpractice or slip-and-fall cases to get them back in the black. But really, all that worrying should be put aside for now. Because they’re on their honeymoon! They should be doing stuff that honeymooners do, like pretending they’re having fun while parasailing or trying to sexily eat oysters. There’s a lot you could get up to in a big old English country house, and you don’t even need to break the sauna in the spa complex to do it. I just hope they’re having fun, because soon it will be back to real life, and they’ll be forced to leave this gorgeous home for Clooney’s villa on Lake Como. Which, I’m pretty certain, does not have a spa complex. All newly married couples have to come back down to earth at some point, and sometimes that means going to Italy.