Great Tomato War

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The Great Tomato War was an expirement in modern warfare that took place in the mid 1920's, in which soldiers abandoned their machine guns in favor of tomatoes, zuccinis, and other vegetables.


an American soldier about to throw the newly developed tomato 4.5

The war occurred between several major world powers, including England, France, Germany, America, and Djibouti. These major world powers had been on the verge of a war, but instead decided to declare the world's first international food fight. The weapon of choice was the tomato 4.5, a particularly fat breed of tomato that was easily throwable by soldiers.

In basic training, soldiers were no longer being trained to use automatic weapons. Instead, each soldier was equipped with a lunch tray, and taught how to throw tomatos, grapes, and watermelons at targets.


Few soldiers were prepared for the brutality of fruit and vegetable warfare. "We were in the field for only 10 minutes when we were ambushed by snipers with over 600 rounds of blueberries," said one war veteran. "One of my buddies was hit in the face by a green pepper. He fell to the ground, pretending to be dead. It was the most horrific thing I ever saw. I was in therapy for months."


Benin, 1920[edit]

At Benin City in Africa, a group of British militants infiltrated the city by dropping several million pounds of bananas on German occupiers. They then entered the city by pounding the door with a cardboard battering ram, yelling "SMASH", then saying to the Germans, "we smashed the door." The Germans then let the British into the city, only to pull a surprise attack on them, hitting them with 18 rounds of fresh tomatoes. 50 British soldiers had their uniforms ruined, and spent several weeks in the hospital getting them washed.

Battle of Benin, 1920

The Assault on Woking, 1921[edit]

The town of Woking in Japan came under attack by the Germans later on in the war. The attack was lead by Gen. Ima Hooker, one of the first Girl generals. Germans invaded the city, and forced the locals to surrender, immediately clubbing anyone who didn't surrender with cabbages, or in one particularly inhumane case, lettuce. Then, over 100 innocent civilians were lined up in front of a firing squad (bearing squirt guns) and mercilessly squirted. Over 100 people screamed "AAAAAH" and pretended to die on that tragic day.

Cardiff, 1923[edit]

Two German soldiers in the Battle of Cardiff

In one of the last battles of the war, opposing armies in trenches pelted each other with carrots for over 5 hours, before they realized that they were late for supper (macaroni and cheese was being served) and going home. The battle was considered a stalemate.

The Armistice[edit]

Towards the end of the war in 1924, soldiers on both sides were getting weary. "We were starting to ask ourselves, 'what is the purpose of all this pretend violence?' We were realising how wasteful the war all was, and starting to regret picking up our cucumbers and marching to battle every day. I mean, these were HUMANS who we were throwing carrots at and screaming 'I killed you! Ha Ha!' We were quite indignant that the government expected us to go out there and start throwing fruit at other human beings."

It was shortly after the end of the battle of Cardiff that both armies realized how retarded the war was, and it was promptly declared over. The war had resulted in over 5,000 people getting ketchup stains on their uniforms, and one death when a soldier had a heart attack.