Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Reframing Frozen

What springs to mind when you hear temperatures that range from -29 to - 40? Having lived my whole life on Canada's west coast island paradise, if asked what I might consider a likely activity appropriate to these temperatures, I might conclude clearly my time (in physical form) on the planet has come to an end and I'm now about to join the likes of Walt Disney and be cryogenically frozen! What else would you be doing in such abominable sub-zero temperatures?

Having now spent two months in Ontario, where they might quip "where we put the "win" in winter! I have come to realize indeed though sizable bodies of water are held in frozen suspension life here is robust and not only doesn't declare itself "game called due to adverse weather" it truly thrives.
Perhaps "lotus-land" has made me soft (not that everyone that hails from there is without character) maybe my life in general has been such that I seldom chose to go the "extra mile" (of course a choice in itself). Oh sure I have "dug deep" sporadically through my life (for something I really wanted - or for that which caught and held my interest but upon closer examination I can see that the dogged pursuit of something - pushing through adversity and treating failure as though it weren't an option (except perhaps as a stepping stone to ultimately succeeding) - these are qualities that represent some of my growing edge. I think of the analogy of either the butteryfly leaving the cocoon or young chicken hatching from the egg - both must struggle to gain their freedom and (ultimately their lives) as their survival and ability to thrive is ensured in the arduous process of freeing themselves (if they were "helped") given their "liberation" prematurely, they would ultimately perish. It's as though nature (through it's loving intelligence) knows just the right ordeal for each to ensure they're set on a path that is able to release their maximum potential and live the best possible version of themselves.  The paradox is many see these adversities as some sort of personal punishment, as though the universe is a capricious over-lord and arbitrarily decides who suffers and who does not instead of considering that if seen through different eyes it could be seen as the ultimate act of loving-kindness.

So as has been addressed innumerable times - it is mindset that determines the outcome through adversity. Habit of thought can be such a limiting factor! Without question my time here has made me acutely present to this in myself. One example of this involves two occasions with the opportunity to go tobogganing - the first was one evening after dinner (in my mind I had just eaten, I was warm and couldn't see the point in getting into multiple layers of clothes to go outside and slide down frozen hills for 20-30 mins.) the next occasion was more or less the same opportunity only this time with an attitude adjustment on my part! The time frame was pretty much perfect, much longer and I might have needed to find a local chiropractor. Fresh air, a few thrills (got me "some air") the landing left something to be desired (like maybe body armour) and snow "where the sun don't shine!" All in all a rewarding fun-filled time (but ya gotta be prepared to do what it takes to make it happen!) Who knew a toboggan ride would lead to such realizations?

It seems that it might just be that en -"joy"- ment occurs somewhere outside of "reason" ableness (I can say that my mind often has no end of "reasons" why something shouldn't occur) I'm reminded of a character in a childhood cartoon version of Gulliver's Travels - I think his name was "Glum" - it would appear I have an inner "glum" that parrots sentiments similar to his cartoon counterpart - such as: " It'll never work!" "We're all doomed." It's not all day, everyday and more so takes on the shape of the a fore mentioned habitual mindsets (none of which are verifiable as true) but certainly can shape ones walk through life (I know it's true for me).

Who would think of walking on a snow covered balcony in their bare feet to get in a hot tub (outside) in the middle of winter? Not within my frame of reference (and ample food to animate the committee that resides in my head) However once one gets past themselves what a beautiful way to spend time - under a star lit sky, watching the moon slipping from visible to obscurity as it swims amongst the drifting clouds. All the while enjoying the sensual mix of warm water within the tub and cold air above (with the intermittent addition of falling or blowing snow).

A trip to a "Nordic spa" yields an addition opportunity to experience the rise in opposition from what truthfully might only be described as the dogma of my personality (comprised of conditioning and habitual attitudes) superimposed on a picturesque Quebec mountain retreat that offers snow clad vistas that are breath-taking which is transformed and magically set a glow when shrouded in the darkness of night, by iridescent blue flood lights. Again one is called upon to traverse the distance between various pools, saunas, steam room and relaxation rooms with wood burning fireplaces by walking upon the frozen poolside surfaces and through air temperatures that seem capable of separating flesh from bone. Even the towels (utilized to shield against what my imagination conjured to be the most likely outcome - HYPOTHERMIA), froze on the pegs where they hung while bathing in the pools. What I might deem "my better judgment" has very little difficulty in zeroing in on all the glaring flaws in such a proposition - the remedy quite simply: DO IT ANYWAY! Needless to say when it was pointed out that there was a waterfall under which one could stand (ordinarily I love the energy of water - the catch here is, that though it does still flows so therefore it isn't frozen, it might as well be!) my mind went into "red alert" (or maybe more accurately "blue." So what does one do in such circumstances - well "this one" first looks at the current cards dealt with something a kin to "stink eye" - let's see, I come outside from a warm lodge in shorts & a towel into sub-zero temperatures, walked across a frozen pool deck to get to the hot pools and now I'm going to walk back across the frozen no man's land to stand in what must be a glacier fed waterfall? Oh for God's sake! From somewhere deep within my being - I hear "ya let's go for it" though another part of me is saying "I don't know who you are, but I don't recall inviting your input." I decide "oh what the hell - if I have the big one here on the spot - I'll at least get in out of the cold" (there's bound to be some character building pay-off to this - some sort of lesson in following your inner guidance - though on this occasion I wasn't so sure that it wasn't misguided!) Standing in the hot pool I turn to my friend and say alright let's do this thing. The universe clearly conspired at that point as while I was walking to the waterfall (did I mention the pathways were all frozen?) and approached the falls, a fellow appears from no where & exclaims the virtues of the water fall (as if he knew I might have been waffling in that moment). In I go! Holy shit that is cold! A moment of suspended animation and an uncertainty with regard to whether I'm still breathing. What was to follow was certainly unexpected - instantaneously I'm aware of both the sound of the water cascading down all around me and the awesome power of the energy flowing seemingly through me. I hear "okay you've done it, let's get out of here." I'm in no hurry to get out from under the falls - the exhilaration is outstanding! When I finally decide to exit - I temporarily have no sense of the cold air temperature, the walk to the next hot pool is rather pleasant. Perhaps there is some scientific rationale for this physiological slight of hand - nonetheless,  having now had the experience I couldn't imagine not doing it (even though I clearly could have easily talked myself out of it!) What a metaphor for what has so frequently been how I "do life."

Additional activities have included cross-country skiing (which I have never done before) down-hill skiing, numerous opportunities to skate on outdoor rinks (for free!) and a number of walks through the most beautiful snow clad woods. I have never been in real winter climates for this length of time (I truly believe there is a tempering of spirit that occurs to inhabitants of these environments - what a gift it has been for me to gain this expanded perspective. I don't know what experience of life or reflection on self I would have had - if I had not come here and had this experience, of course there are realities occurring where I currently call home (that I am not physically present for but nonetheless I am in relationship with - the challenge for me is how to forward my own life, while maintaining relations with others and not making their issues my priority) - I don't guess my personal journey is dependent on where I am in the world - just different mirrors bringing to light those things within myself that require my attention (some of this seems readily accessible while living alone and through solitude & introspection - while other discoveries seem to be more apparent when in the more frequent company and relating to another/others!) I'm not sure I even begin to understand the balance (if: a) balance is even an attainable state & considering b) that it is somewhat disconcerting to me personally that I not have this all figured out by now, given my age etc).

I left behind a life that I discovered in hindsight was built on values & beliefs that weren't necessarily my own (though of course I chose to take them on) - of course I have the benefit now of a different level of consciousness with which to make that assessment. It's a bit like waking up behind the wheel of a car and not recognizing the car or the road it's traveling on and realizing it's my car and I drove it here (and coming to know that the auto-pilot/cruise control can be disengaged).  Now as I consider the reshaping and redirecting of my life I find it unsettling at best (frightening at times) the idea that I am responsible - that I am to stand in what I believe in and live into that, taking direction from my own inner guidance rather than acquiescing to the expectations of society or those around me that are intent on homogenizing everyone across the board.

The thing is - can a lifetime member of the sheep get up one day and decide, I think I'm a shepherd? If so, how can it be ignored that during my considerable time in the flock I have come close to walking myself over a cliff (& though I've done my best to have that happen in isolation - it's just not possible).

So how does one "transform" while reckoning with fear of change? In what does one stand when previous bastions of self-confidence have proven to be illusory? Wherein lies the crisis - in remaining asleep or at the moment of the rude mid-life awakening? I have thought that the answer might be a more effective "snooze button." Seeing the folly in that, I have sought the antidote to my own suffering (by first admitting it was so). A life long curiosity about the human condition (which I suppose has always been my trying to solve the riddle of my own pain) has given me insight into the futility of whole paradigms (the root causes of suffering for one - weave into the suffering of the many). I seem to think my very continuance was made possible to strive for the alleviation from suffering (or at least to recognize the degree to which suffering exists all around me & perhaps take a step beyond it's creation and continuance). Does that make it my "calling" (or indeed some version of my vocation?) I don't know! I suppose if one lessens their own suffering - there is less suffering in the world overall. As for what "qualifies" one to guide others (ultimately to themselves and their own answers) I keep coming up against the idea that I need to be a model of successfully living authentically (from passion, with purpose & pragmatism) which would somehow mean reconciling my contraryism & wavering confidence therein. I don't know that I'm charged by the universe to "build a better mouse-trap" (it feels more like learning to live with the mouse). I neither think anymore that it's entirely up to someone else to change the world, nor that I have all the answers (or even true clarity on my part to play). It does occur to me that Einstein was correct when he said "doing the same thing over & over and then expecting different results is the definition of insanity." I have seen that in my own habits (and have not always been quick to do anything about it) - so I suppose it's no surprise that I see it in the world around me. (likely if I did it less myself, I might see considerably less in the world - or I'd be so engaged in "being the change" (perhaps a change to being) there would be little time to dwell on that which remains unchanged.

Perhaps the biggest "change" with which to reckon is "readiness" to begin - endlessly believing I occupy a state of under-qualification can ensure there is no beginning, rather than recognize that there can be ongoing refinement and learning - that there is no perfect knowing. It may not be that readiness determines the start as much as starting determines the readiness. Given the significance of a start (no matter how "small") once it occurs, a door to immense power presents, but not until the sill is crossed.

So from this land so far away from "home" (one that at times and due to some of the ensuing frustration and battles within whilst here, I have deemed a "frozen wasteland") - I have come to realize that to some degree I am describing some part of the terrain of my own heart and soul - held in a cryogenic - like state of suspended animation (ironically while it is usually warmer temperatures that are associated with "thawing") it has taken time in the most deeply frozen environment I have ever experienced to reach it's equivalent within myself ("as without - so within"). So having crossed the threshold of Winter Solstice each day becoming infused with increasing light as the cycle advances toward the promise of spring (which at present must still be taken on faith) a vision of reanimation stirs (no matter how deeply frozen, life continually seeks full and vibrant expression.

And so it is - unequivocally, unquestionably, apologetically seeking to know & express itself uniquely and completely as itself - who am I to try and stop it?

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Old Song - New Meaning

Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Well, apparently "Auld Lang Syne" translates into "the good old days," the words of another old song suggest "make new friends but keep the old - one is silver the other is gold." So then, should we let go of the memories of those days? Depending on ones point of view, even if the old days were fraught with painful memories those events may well have been the catalyst to shape one's current character (for better or for worse - you decide!) So I suppose my wish for all is that you are walking a path to peace within yourself. I don't know that it's possible to forget the past or how it has shaped us - but there is definitely merit in letting go of judgement about those past events (regarding my involvement and the part others played) In reality I did the best I could at the time (though overall capacity or potential may have been unrealized back then, it is still  irrelevant - as, those qualities that were honed along the way, may not have come to be otherwise.
What then if "auld acquaintance" were thought of as mind sets, belief systems, programming of all sorts? Not so far-fetched - after all if closely examined, one would discover they have the familiarity and comfort of your go to hoodie  (albeit a perverse variety of comfort, given they may not truly serve ones highest good any longer). Maybe these acquaintances might be best honoured and embraced with gratitude for the part they played (consider, if nothing else they may have ensured survival, helping one navigate the tumultuous waters of emotional annihilation). 

So just as one might visit the memory of an old friend at this time of year - it might be possible to visit these emotional allies, the various aspects of the persona (personality) acknowledge the role they played in your life and decide the nature of the current relationship with these nebulous fragments of your being. Forgetting them altogether may not serve entirely (as they then might continue to exercise their influence beyond the point of usefulness. Likely merited is some attention to how they served (as well as some recognition with regard to how they might have limited what was possible). In this respect there might well be the blended visitation of various emotions, as the heart recalls and swings about the spectrum warmed by some recollections and feeling potentially melancholic, stemming from the same memory.

The last six years of my life have been ear-marked by such profound and rapid change my head continues to spin. A deeper immersion in spirituality has been my "calling?" In itself one becomes aware that though it is a more "main-stream" pursuit it can still be viewed with the framework of taboo conversations (i.e. "religion" & politics). That a long term marriage and full-time career have fallen away has both created the space to explore and may prove to identify a passion for the pursuit or a penchant to at times, embrace things to the extreme (or both). Within that journey I have come to be aware that my inner world awareness (is a gift) which doesn't mean for a minute that as I mine the depths of my psyche (looking for answers to such questions as: "how did I get here?" "What it's all about?" "Where am I going & why?") I enjoy everything I find. Quite to the contrary - there are some painful realities enfolded in the "truth setting you free." This all in stark contrast to years of living as though life was happening to me (as such I "reasoned" I had little or no choice). So awareness or "becoming more conscious" (is no walk in the park - though of course the realization to spend more time walking in the park and noticing while there, could be an act of consciousness). The journey yields realization that I'm not entirely who I've said I am, not even always who I'd prefer to believe I am. But also inherent in the journey is a call to have love and compassion for self during this process of  discovery.

I've come to discover my version of resistance to change (of course I don't hold the monopoly on this - but it's only of value to each, to see how these energies operate in their own life) - I suppose in hindsight my attempts have been futile (given the inevitability of change) still an increased willingness to embrace change (even seek it out) certainly is making for a period of huge personal expansion. Of course then I catch wind of the richness and diversity of the life path of others and become acutely aware of the pain my "stuckness" has created in my life. Still each has their own path to walk (I have limited understanding of my own soul calling - so it is pointless to compare myself to the journey of others). At times I fully recognize the benefit of change (and know the discomfort of stagnation) but when I'm in it - there can be times when some part of my being digs in it's heels and angrily cries out "enough!!" "I don't know where I am - I can't see around the next corner, I don't know what's back there but it's probably not good, someone is going to get hurt and it's likely going to be me!!" (that I now know this "inner dialogue" occurs is a blessing - when unconsciously in it's grip there was very little chance I would not be influenced by it). Now I can consider the "warning" and determine both the likelihood of a perilous outcome and whether I could "handle it" if it arose. It also could be that I have been pushing through big change and need to back off a little to integrate, replenish my energies and then carry on. There are also times when opportunity knocks (I suppose it rarely if ever, isn't knocking) and I choose not to answer the door. I suppose there is an art of living that includes the ability to know when to say yes or no to the invitation to dance with change and to do so within a container of love. (Saying no might be the loving response, especially if one is given habitually saying yes). Could also be true that a yes (despite it representing stepping outside my comfort zone might well be the loving path to an amazing experience and personal growth). Questioning my "habits" (including habitual thinking and ways of being) can be fruitful (if done in a non-critical manner to see if fertile ground is present for the planting of the seeds of change).

Large scale external change is not the only way to experience the inner dynamics (walls and growing edges of self) - it certainly can be (travel, career change, begin a relationship or end one) all will visit change upon your life. But it is equally true that change within existing circumstances can be equally challenging - a further willingness to be intimate (increased vulnerability) within some of my existing relationships or new ones, has been every bit an adventure as travelling abroad (so it is possible to vastly change your experience without even leaving your hometown). The inner landscape is a territory that is full of peaks, valleys, surprising vistas beyond the horizon and mysteries a plenty.

Reconsidering my opening question "Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot?" I suppose my answer is absolutely not - how could I conceive of forgetting? My every step, each utterance that passes my lips each thought that I entertain is coloured, influenced and scrutinized by my relationship with it all. My life has been continually enriched by the dynamic tension of these relationships. My fate is day by day molded and unfolds through contrast, mirroring and ongoing personal reflection. To forget would be to fore go the very fibers that comprise my own heart -as I move forward each step honours "auld acquaintance" known and unknown, you provide for me the light in the darkness and ignite in me the hunger to keep asking a better question!