Archive - Jul 27, 2005

My Nemesis, My Doppleganger

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It's taken forever, but I think I finally have an arch-enemy. A nemesis. My opposite number. The Mormon to my Ninja, the Bizarro to my Superman. I've got the goatee, so they must have the gold vest.

I didn't realize it at first, but with their latest communication, their nature has become clear. They don't know it, but the Howard Foundation for Family, Religion, and Society is the Anti-YouAreDumbDotNet.

I trust you all watched The Daily Show on Monday, yes? With Rick Santorum? Notice the phrase he slipped in? Because I did. "What I call the 'natural family'..."

Faithful readers of the column will note that a while back, I covered the "Natural Family Manifesto", destined to become a combination buzz- and code-word for gayhate in much the same way "intelligent design" and "state's rights" have become for godmadeit and racism, respectively. The Manifesto is a product, in part, of the Howard Foundation, and to get a copy, I had to get on their mailing list.

And their latest missive proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are the dark mirror of my site. This e-mail was helpfully titled Gay "Marriage". I've remarked before on the Howard Foundation's love of the sarcastic quote mark, which, while a useful tool, is something the rest of us discovered a long time ago, and can now use with "restraint".

Like YAD, they are upset. Unlike YAD, they are upset by Spain and the United Church of Christ. Like YAD, they quote liberally* from news sources. Unlike YAD, the quotes don't come with any jokes, just a bit of heading-snark, selective quoting, and the appellation "Anti-Family Fact". Like YAD, they are apparently annoyed by Catholics. Unlike YAD, they express it through the subtle intimations that the Spanish Catholic Church is unable to keep its people in line, rather than lots of jokes about Krispy Christ Krackers.

They are mad at Spain and the UCC because, of course, both came out recently in support of the most dangerous thing to confront the family since the after-work cocktail: GAY MARRIAGE**.

They couldn't resist taking a shot at the UCC in that subhead, by the way, titling it "The United Church of Whom?" Goddamn, these dopplegangers are smug motherfuckers. You can almost hear Dana Carvey saying it in a wig, a crime for which I hope the Howard Foundation pays dearly. You see what they did there? They called attention to the Christ part, as if the United Church of Homosexual Love had somehow forgotten they were supposed to be behind... I mean beside, Straight White Jesus. Oh, how I bet the UCC's ears are stinging now.

Having finished with its lengthy ANTI-FAMILY QUOTE TIME!, the Howard e-mail goes on to editorialize a bit on just how sneaky and underhanded those dastardly homosexuals (and their allies in the media) are. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

"Homosexual activists have found the national media more than willing to promulgate reassuring images of wonderfully harmonious same-sex couples. A new study of domestic violence, however, suggests that homosexual relations are far less pacific than activists are willing to acknowledge."

(Note that, like YAD, they rarely use a regular word when an obscure one will do. That said, come on. "pacific"? Even I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot keyboard.)

They go on to cite a study that shows that, gasp, like straight couples, gay couples hurt each other. Using a broad definition of "domestic violence", 56% of the gay men surveyed had experienced one or more forms of it. The Howard Foundation calls that number "remarkable". I call the Howard Foundation "assholes". Because while they pulled one number out of one table to trumpet their homophobia, they fail to mention these lovely quotes from the very beginning of the survey:

"Taken as a whole, same-sex domestic violence is comparable in prevalence to heterosexual domestic violence." And later: "Results strongly suggest that there is little to no difference between the varieties of abuses that same-sex partners, compared to heterosexual partners, impose on each other."

So the very study they cite to show that gays aren't perfect says flat-out that gays are JUST AS IMPERFECT AS STRAIGHTS. They don't mention that, because heaven fucking forfend something reaches the ears of their audience that says straights are no better than gays.

See? They're the exact opposite of YAD. They're intellectually dishonest and don't tell you. When I'm intellectually dishonest, I'm completely up-front about it.

*No offense, arch-enemy fucko dudes. That just means "a lot". It doesn't mean your quotes kill babies and celebrate with a night of sodomy.

**I am, obviously, a strong advocate of plain text. But just this once, I'd love a little Flash plug in that would make the letters go all wavy and play a spooooOOOOOooooky wail whenever I type "GAY MARRIAGE". Feel free to imagine it that way in your head from now on.