Bioethics Blogs

Post-Vacation Musings: How rude should I be to my mother?

Written by Andreas Kappes

A couple of years ago, my mother flew in from Germany to visit and help us with looking after my daughter during a school break. One night, I can&rsquo;t remember the exact circumstances, she angrily told me: “Stop being so polite&rdquo;. I might have thanked her for something that in her mind, obviously, did not deserve a “thank you&rdquo;. My mother embodies some of the stereotypical ideas about Germans. She prefers directness over politeness and avoids the unnecessary expression of feelings. Yet, weirdly, her remark rang true to me. I felt guilty of being too polite and I understood the sentiment without being able to verbalize to my wife &ndash; who is American &ndash; later that evening why my politeness was offending my mother. But how impolite should I be?


In one of Harold Garfinkel&rsquo;s breaching experiments &ndash; designed to violate hidden social structures to make them apparent &ndash; he asked students to behave at their parents&rsquo; homes as if they were a boarder, noting their observations and their families&rsquo; reactions (1). Here is what Garfinkel wrote, summarizing some of the things his students reported when they observed their family members while taking an outsider&rsquo;s perspective: “Displays of conduct and feeling occurred without apparent concern for the management of impressions. Table manners were bad, and family members showed each other little politeness.&rdquo; (p.45f). And how did the families like the wonderfully polite and considered “boarders?&rdquo; Not at all. Instead, family members reacted with sarcasm, irritation, and anger to the students&rsquo; new-found politeness: “&rdquo;Mind if you have a little snack?
