I know that I am notorious for my good attitude. And 95% of the time I feel nothing but radiant, positive energy radiating from my center. There is the 5% of the time though - when I feel mad, sad, bad. All those ad words. And of course, those are all natural emotions and I usually embrace them, wallow, and then move on.

But recently I've been feeling something new. It's not so much a feeling as an angry, itchy energy. I feel it in my stomach like a burning lead ball, my vision goes red (I now finally understand what that means) and I am not sure if I want to scream, cry or dance. It usually happens when I have to explain my haircut to people (haircut - such an ironic term since I didn't CUT anything, it fell out, but if I said hairfell people would look at me sideways)

I say, "Oh, thank you. Yes, it does look nice. No, it wasn't my choice. I have breast cancer."

HAVE. Not had. Have, like still have. Will have. Stretching on and on and on endlessly into a future of uncertainty.

Now, like any type A girl of my generation I love control. I use dto think I could control EVERYTHING. If cancer has taught me anything it's that AA has it right, you accept the things you cannot control and then go all crazy OC on the things you can. That's what they say, right?

So this feeling - it's not exactly fear (maybe a heavy dose of anxiety), not anger (maybe a splash of annoyance) not sadness (possibly exasperation?) but definitely a looseness, like the control I thought I had over my life is spooling outward like the string on a kite up into the sky in front of me.

I think this feeling is not unique to of us with "uncurable" cancer, I know it plagues BRCA+ and just about anybody who has any kind of serious condition. What if it comes back? What if it gets worse? What if what if what if what if what if

What if's are the freakin worst.

And so when I get this feeling, which I have dubbed the unspooling, there is only one thing I can do. I dance. By myself. Usually in my pjs. Mostly in my living room. Sometimes I just elliptical aggressively, but that's newly on my allowed activity list.

When I look at the songs on my current playlist and what resonates with me about each song, it's all about the loss of control, the feeling of uncertainty, the sense of powerlessness, which I believe is universal to all of us, even those of us without a big scary loaded gun in our bodies. 

This is the current playlist for my angry pj dancing. I would say "enjoy" but instead I will say "release" and maybe "namaste bitches**" 

love you,



Theophilus London, I Stand Alone

"Journey starts beneath the stars, I stand alone.
All my fears through all these years, swept away the known.
Ooh, I run tis town to be near you. Oh, do grey skies ever turn blue? I stand alone."

Walk Off the Earth, Red Hands

"That gun is loaded, but it's not in my hand. The fires burns I'm not the one with the match lit."  

NE-YO, Forever Now

"What am I supposed to do with forever now? What do I now? What do I now? What do I do? What do I do now? What do I do now?" 

Rihanna (feat Mikky Ekko), Stay

"I threw my hands in the air, said show me something. He said if you dare come a little closer. Round and around and around and around we go, oh now, tell me now, tell me now, you know. Not really sure how to feel about it... the reason I hold on, cause I need this hole gone. Funny you're the broken one, but I'm the only one who needed saving. Cause when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving."

Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis ft Ray Dalton, Can't Hold Us

"They can't tell me nothing. Can we go back, this is the moment, tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over. So we'll put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us."