Desperate Debbie, Desperate Dan

By Bria Holness

“Daaaaamn Eric. You’re thirsty for chasing that girl for three blocks just to get her number.”

“I’m what?”

Not familiar with the term “the thirst?” Please allow me to inform you.

The thirst is first and foremost, a sickness. It’s deadly for one’s social life—many would classify it was social suicide. “It” is an obsessive and desperate desire for someone, almost always in a sexual way. Those affected crave attention and have constant anxiety about someone that isn’t giving you one damn passing thought. It’s when one is constantly after someone but never gets the point that the desire isn’t mutual. It’s the epitome of annoying.

Once you contract this sickness, you will immediately become the butt of your friends’ jokes. Expect these manifestations if you have ever had two or more of the following symptoms —

1) You constantly text somebody even if they don’t respond

2) You “twatch”, also known as watching someone’s Twitter, and/or stalk their Facebook

3) You constantly going around asking for the person or about the person

4) You excessively show up somewhere because you know he or she may make an appearance

5) You try to isolate the person form any competition (including your friends)

6) You follow him or her around in a party or hang out spot

7) You constantly (and awkwardly) ask the person to cuddle

8) You attempt to make a move despite constant rejection

―you may be suffering from a mild to severe case of the thirst and need to continue reading for guidance on how to cure yourself. If you haven’t experienced any of these symptoms then feel free to continue reading for cautionary measures.

Don’t be annoying If you text someone and they don’t respond, that doesn’t give you an invitation to have a conversation with yourself. Wait until they answer. Who knows, they could be super busy, or your friend could be really rebellious and not attached like a Siamese twin to his or her phone. And if you’re contacting via iPhone or Facebook, where you can see if the message has been read and you still go unanswered, then I’m sorry to tell you but this is more than likely an indicator that the person isn’t interested. Give. It. Up. Get out before you make yourself look like a fool.

Stop it with the stalker shit I know you want to know every move your interest makes or if someone is making a move on them, but that doesn’t give you the right to stalk every single one of their social media websites—this includes having “like” or “retweet” sprees. People notice these things, and I don’t just mean the person you’re interested in.

No one likes a creep Do not under any circumstances go around asking about someone. That is one of the worst mistakes you can make. People will latch on to what you’re doing and it WILL get back to your romantic/sexual interest. This can go either way, depending on how much you’re been asking around. He or she could possibly be flattered. Then again, they could be equally creeped out. Ultimately, no one wants someone to be creeping on their plans or schedule, especially if you’re not usually in those particular places. Face it, that sounds the alarm of desperation off.

Needy doesn’t make you a keepy Lastly, if someone is constantly rejecting you to cuddle, kiss, or make any move in general—just stop. After a handful of awkward half-kiss-hugs and “I will kill you if you even think about putting your hand there” stares, the harsh truth may be staring you down. He or she just doesn’t want it to happen—you need to move on. You’ll only make yourself look like a fool if you keep trying. And then it becomes a case of sexual harassment.

You, too, can end “the thirst” by donating five cents a day to your local convent of delusional fools. Every donation truly makes a difference.