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About Earthcalling

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    Oh God ... yes ... I live by the sea!!!
  • Interests
    At the moment:
    Trying to learn Japanese, starting a beginners Philosophy course on the 21st and starting to train as a Shiatsu practitioner in September.
    Walking on the beach listening to tunes, meditating on the beach and trying to figure out the stars.
    Watching movies, reading and cooking - especially soups!

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  1. Raiding the fridge for chocolate

  2. I have finally got myself a new doctor who is open to discussion for me trying new medication. She also doesn't treat me like an idiot - which is a change. Anyway I requested to go on Risperidone - I think its called Geddon in the USA - and at the moment I'm on a very low dose of 2mg. Compared to Zyprexa it's excellent! I don't wake up with the feeling of wanting to eat the kitchen sink and house. Though I do have the 'hangover' of leatheragy but this passes with a large coffee which I did on Z. Also on Z I had this heaviness which included the increase in weight but Risperidone doesn't have this. I feel calm and light. At the moment I have said to the doc if things get difficult I will take an extra dose - up to 3mg - and she said this was ok to start with. It's a case of new med and trying to figure out what is going to work. I know that it may appear to some people that I'm on very little meds but I have found I have a weird body chemistry - give me any dose of an AD and it doesn't affect. Give me an AP and I'm a complete zombie with medium to high dosages however I find low dosages extremely affective. Anyway will keep you posted on how it goes but loving it at the mo Hawk
  3. I totally know where you are coming from! I too go through exactly the same thing. I don't know what I'm actually afraid of but I can have a full on anxiety attack with the thought of having to deal with the outside world - whether it's going outside or having to deal with phone calls or letters etc. The post through the door can be my biggest trigger. I find if I do housework or cook something - I make alot of soup - this gets me in the mood to cope with outdoors. I know that going for a walk does make me feel better - and whenever I leave the house I always have tunes to listen to. However if I push myself to go outdoors when I really know I can't cope with it it doesn't work. I find by giving myself choices such as things to do indoors varying from household chores to fun things versus going for a walk helps e.g I can either clean out the bathroom cupboard or go for a walk. Some days you will choose indoors over outdoors - that's ok! But the most important thing is make it a choice rather than a should. It really doesn't matter if you don't make it outside as long as it's a choice and you decide to do something inside instead. Give yourself options rather than beat yourself up for not going outside. Hope some of this helps Hawk
  4. I really didn't like it. I tried it for a year - 'cause the therapist and my father who knows nothing about it but just wanting me in therapy kept saying it would work and I'd be much better ('fixed' in other words) I found it rather condescending and invalidating. I tried to explain to my T that when I wake up I'm usually extremely anxious and the voices are at their worst. If I've had distressing dreams this also makes it worse. His reply was well they're not real it's just dreams and I should just tell myself that and they'll go away. I don't know about anyone else but I don't have an on/off button for my emotions or voices and I can't control my dreams - though I have tried on many occasions! I just felt that overall I wasn't being heard and that CBT was the wonder therapy and if it didn't work the problem was with you not the therapy or therapist. The best work book I've found is DBT based and what I've found interesting is that the aspects which have come from Buddhism such as Mindfulness have been far more useful and practical. Hawk
  5. I agree with netsavy006 apart from I gained a horrendous amount of weight and even when I adjusted my diet by eating small regular meals such as 5 - 6 times a day I still didn't lose any weight. My cravings were carbs and chocolate. I did drink a few times on it and it just made me fall asleep. Also I would take it in the evenings as after 2 hours I couldn't keep my eyes open. I found it did make me a bit groggy in the mornings but a cup of strong coffee helped that - oh yes I did increase my coffee intake on it ..... mmmmm. It helped the head big time but I found overall it lower my energy to do anything and it affected my memory in that short term was worse and thinking was alot slower which was difficult while studying. I thought it was a good AAP but the weight gain was awful so had to stop it. So going to try Geodon and if that doesn't work shall have to come back to Z. Hawk
  6. Thank you posting on my blog!

  7. Oh yes! Guilty Guilty Guilty! Good feed back regarding it's the depression talking as I forget that. Hawk
  8. Yes. Yes. Yes. On so many levels. Inability to form healthy relationships. Have sex wayyyyyyyyyy too early and do things I don't really want to. If there is a person in the crowd with 'issues', an addict or MI - dx or not - I will find them or them me. Lack of self-image and self-esteem have had abusive relationships however have learnt now their behaviour so stay far far away from them. Get hypo and fall in love. See people through rose-colored glasses. My strongest relationships have always been with women though. Abuse has been from men - except one woman - she kept pouncing and grabbing me and had to fight her off several times. Several ex's have thought I'm crazy, weird, try to 'fix' me. Now have decided that I'm not going to bed with anyone until I really get to know them and they know me. So yes relationships and MI suck BIG TIME!!! Hawk
  9. I just couldn't cope with my father nagging me to do things and ended up cutting myself. The pressure from him was too much and started getting flickers of movement out the corner of my eye which is a sign of hallucinations. I was so upset and panicking that I SIed in hope it would keep me in the here and now and not have hallucinations - unfortunately it worked as the pain took over and stopped them. It happened on Monday after a hellish night with very little sleep. I have'nt done it for a while but on Tuesday felt so crap because I'd slipped. It hurt. It worked. I suck. Blah. Hawk
  10. Very interesting question. I have voices and hallucinations which are from Spirit and my Totem animals. In the psychic world it's accepted. In medical worlds I'm under delusions. However I've known things and seen things about people before I could. My question is if you lived in the middle of nowhere with a tribe you would be treated as a medicine person - Western medicine doesn't cope with psychics. Where's the line for psychic and mental unwell. Hawk
  11. I feel for you big time. I've only had the 'phasing out' as I call it a few times but it was scary as hell when I 'came to'. For me, I'm still learning my triggers and what my therapist helped me with were 'Being Present' techniques have mainly worked when things are just starting - i.e when I get flickers on the edge of my vision or the voices are louder than normal or I'm feeling uneasy for no apparent reason. However when I'm in one, rational thinking is out the window and 'Being present' is not a concept I can grasp as I don't know what's real and what's imaginary. I do know that talking to someone who understands really helps - it's talk me out of being in the bathroom when I was convinced there were huge insects in my living room! From what you've explained it's sounds like a serious problem/emergency and that you need help asap - possibly a med tweak. Good to hear you're going to see a CPN I hope that goes well and I would suggest to stress the 'phasing out' as that is sooooo not good. Keep us up to date with how your CPN goes if you can Hawk
  12. I hear voices and noises all the time and when very stressed dissociate, hallucinate and have delusional thoughts. So far I've come to realise mainly through CBT that most of the voices are aspects of myself talking to me. They can be negative - when I'm feeling down or anxious or about to crash - or can be positive to the point of grandiose - which is when I'm manic. I've learnt that the way I talk to myself is how my parents have talked to me - learnt talking patterns from childhood - especially the way they use to criticise or tell me off - I use the same language. The other voices which are quite random and also occur when I'm having a conversation with someone I don't know. I've always had them and I'm so use to them now. In the past I use to drink regularly as this was the only thing that seemed to muffle them however the next day they reappeared louder! Then about 14 years ago I was camping out bush in Oz and I was sitting on a rock watching the sunrise and a truely breathtaking view and filled with the most incredible calm and peace I've ever felt, when I realised that my mind was completely silent. This has happened a few times over the years and I didn't know why until I went to a Buddhist centre and did a guided meditation with a nun. It was just focusing on your breath and everytime a thought or voice came up to observe it and let it go. It was the hardest - and still is - thing I've ever done but it really worked!!! I spoke to the nun about my voices and she was so kind and understanding as if she'd heard it before. Also I've recently learnt through CBT if the voices become really loud and critical to challenge them. I have a whole list of questions including providing evidence for and against the thought/voice and what would I say to a best friend. When I do this it really does work and lowers the stress therefore my mood, so I don't feel so overwhelmed and crap about myself plus the voices quieten down. The other I've learnt through NLP is that people talk/communicate to themselves in different ways. Some are visual or through touch/feel and others are auditory that is talk to themselves in their heads. The difficulty lies - I think - in figuring out which ones are just the normal you and which ones are the 'critical parent'. Hope this helps in some way but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Hawk
  13. I so totally get what you were saying regarding the mysteries of technology. One day everything is fine and the next someone just has to look at it and it doesn't work. It sends me into a major meltdown and hence I don't let people touch my stuff. Good luck on the new med and let us know how you get on Hawk
  14. Howdy! Yes still around will update my blog Things have been up and down but that's more to do with staying with dad! Anyway thank you for your thoughts xxx

  15. hey, how you been. Been a long time. lots of love Ash xox

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