How to avoid getting disfellowshipped for having a wordly girlfriend?

by cookiemaster 49 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • cookiemaster

    Hey guys,

    I've been PIMO going on full inactive for a very long time, 5+ years. Pretty happy with the current situation. Over the years, I've gotten lots of grief from the local elders and COs for my inactivity, attending wordly public events and social media posts. So far I've been able to avoid disfellowshipping by not saying much and denying what was plausibly deniable. I've recently met an amazing wordly girl and I'm interested in pursuing a serious relationship with her, my first long-term relationship with a wordly girl. I would like to know if there's any way to not get disfellowshipped for this. Any advice on how to approach this from a doctrinal standpoint? Sort of, to fight with their own arguments.

    We're too early in the relationship to live together, but the local JWs will certainly see us on the street holding hands, attending events together, etc. Hell, I might even bring her to the KH to keep me company at the memorial (not for indoctrination, she's already redpilled on JWs). The only reason I care is not to totally ruin my relationship with my parents, would like to still have a relationship with them in the future, have them attend my wedding, meet their grandchildren, etc.

    How would you advise doing this? Especially in the context of local elders already being quite hostile towards me. Any advice would be appreciated, especially about doing this without breaking any JW rules.

  • cha ching
    cha ching

    Oh my, what a mess your in.... what a tangled web.

    WT is totally against 'having your cake and eating it too', and if you have 'been in' until now, you should know it.

    Lately, conventions, magazines, talks and everything are geared to 'shunning anyone and anything that is not "totally in."'

    I am sorry, you should just get the most out of life that you can. Be happy, be merry, and do not worry about JWs.... Be prepared, you most likely will lose your mum and dad. (look at the Pale Emperor's post "I just saw my mom the first time in 3 years")

  • cookiemaster

    Cha Ching thanks for the reply. Not really possible to lose them in that way in my case since we all live together on the family farm that spans thousands of acres. I have my own house but it's nearby on the same land and we work together on the farm daily. They depend on me managing the farm both in daily operations, financially and in other regards. All the family properties are legally tied to a company that I partly own. Our extended family is tied to this company as well and practically owns half the town, all my aunts/uncles and cousins living in the neighborhood. They're not JWs except one and outside business relations, we are very distant to each other.

    They can't kick me out and they won't move away either. Like it or not, they're stuck with me and will still have to interact with me daily. We have a good relationship even though they know I never study or participate in any JW activities. However, I worry about our relationship becoming distant, them feeling shamed by the local JW community if I were disfellowshipped, etc. They also had conflicts with the local elders and wouldn't care if they told them to shun me.

    What I would like is to avoid getting officially disfellowshipped as that would bring them the most grief, and me too.

  • Finkelstein

    Just stop going to meetings period and when people ask why, just say your not interested in being involved in this religion or any other for that matter.

    JWS elders who realize your not associating with other JWS will leave you alone most of the time.

    You dont have to be vocally in opposition to people who are JWS.

    In other words mums it and carry on your own way.

  • Listener

    The only way I know how is to hide the relationship until you are married, or the day you are getting married.

    They will mark you at the very least if they know about it before you are married. Once married they can't do anything about it but they will still want to meet with you and when they do, do not meet with them.

  • FedUpJW


    /\ /\ /\ This. /\ /\ /\ Stay under the radar as much as you can. Don't give them ammunition to use against you. Use the same advice you would receive about dealing with cops. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. I am not yelling, just stressing how important it is to never say anything to the eldurrs. Avoid the eldurrs like you would a highly contagious person with a terminal illness.

  • cookiemaster

    Listener, thanks for the advice. I was under the impression that unless they believe you had sex outside of marriage or somehow behaved inappropriately, you can't be disfellowshipped for having a relationship with a non-JW. I knew a couple once made up of a JW woman and a man who was studying and became an unbaptized published. They got married and while many where disgruntled about it, they didn't receive any punishment for it.

    What I'm saying is that I'm looking for a technicality that would not allow me to disfellowship me without them knowing for certain I did anything against their rules. Surely, holding hands in public with a wordly person is not a sin. That would be the max extent they would see us do. I would never meet with them but they can DF in absentia.

  • cookiemaster

    FedUpJW LOL, that's an amusing description. It's very good advice. I have some experience doing that, with both police and elders, so it should be fine in that regard. However, we like to go out in town. Public parks, town fairs, restaurants, etc. I'm well known in town, the elders know my car, we can't exactly hide. Of course, we can behave properly, no making out in public and such, but they will realize we are together.

    What if I ask my girlfriend to pretend she's interested in studying? Have her come to KH with me?

  • Listener

    Dating an unbaptised person is cause for them to call a Judicial Committee but they won't df, they will go to the point of marking you. Being marked means that all JWs who have knowledge of it will soft shun you. It means that they cannot socialise with you.

    If you are not marked then technically your parents can still attend your wedding but it will be a conscience matter unless the Elders get wind of it. The Elders will tell them not to attend.

  • Giordano

    Your situation is more complex then the norm. So my thoughts are to reread FinkeIstein's POV and the good points he makes.

    If you break no rules but are simply courting a wonderful lady in a mature way you are not breaking any JW rules . There are JW sins but also a lot of leeway to date a non witness even though you may be counseled to marry in the truth.......... but you can sideline that issue by saying she is interested in the JW religion. Even if it's the last dead cat on a plate.

    Protect your business are important to your family. I sense a need for you to keep discipline and control. You do that by staying above the fray. Your doing a good job in the family business. You are keeping company with a respected lady.

    But make sure to show respect for your parents by not flaunting anything about this relationship. Treat the relationship as you would your parents religion....... with respect and restraint.

    Make sure your lady knows you are protecting her reputation as well as her future peace and quite so you can live a life within a circle of believing JW's.

    Focus on this person and when you are sure....... marry. That leaves the congregation, the Elders and the Society in the dust. They hold no power over you or your marriage.

    Hopefully she will be an asset to your family or at least not a stumbling.

    You will have to reassure her that she is not to participate in anything religious that she is not comfortable with.

Share this