Monday, April 18, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 7 - "Riches to Rags"

No you di-int, Jesus Barbie. Photo -

At Mastro's Ocean Club in Newport Beach...

WAITRESS - And here's your Cherry Lemonade Martini with smoke coming out of it.

PEGGY TANOUS - Is this drink holistic?

WAITRESS - Well, it's got fresh fruit, cane sugar, and a dash of British Petroleum gasoline, straight from the gulf.

PEGGY TANOUS - Perfect. Thank you.  **chugs**

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Here, Peggy, try my Gretchen Christine Beaute lipgloss. It's got tingly-whatevers.

PEGGY TANOUS -  Is it holistic?

SLADE SMILEY  - It's made from corn stalks and bits of nicotine patches, with toxic food coloring for aesthetic purposes.

PEGGY TANOUS - Nice! **slathers on lips**

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Wow, Peggy, that ring is humungozoid! It's bigger than my left nipple!

SLADE SMILEY - Which is pretty damn big. 

PEGGY TANOUS -  It was harvested from starving one-armed children in Sierra Leone.

MICAH STEWART -  But they lost their arms in natural landmine explosions, so it's holistic.

PEGGY TANOUS -  It feels good to have your spirit be one with nature and god.  ** breast implant bursts all over dinner table.** Aw nuts.

At the dog park...

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Why don't you climb that tree and see if your weight manages to uproot it from the ground? Tubba wubba!

SLADE SMILEY  - What does that even mean?

GRETCHEN ROSSI - That you're a fat, greasy dead beat with a lisp.


GRETCHEN ROSSI - Yeah, that's right. How's my music career that you promised to manage coming along?


GRETCHEN ROSSI -  You heard me, Fatso.

SLADE SMILEY  - Who even calls someone a Fatso nowadays? 

GRETCHEN ROSSI - I do, dum dum. And Gretchen Christine Beaute? The website looks like a five year old paraplegic put it together.

SLADE SMILEY - Gretchen , I -

GRETCHEN ROSSI - What's that, Mr. Jiggles? I'm sorry, you relinquish the right to speak until I can bear to look in your general direction without puking.

SLADE SMILEY - You know, Gretchen, sometimes the things you say hurt my feelings.

GRETCHEN ROSSI  - What? Why didn't you say anything until now?


SLADE SMILEY  - Aw, don't be afraid. I'd never say anything I thought would make you feel bad. Never.

SLADE SMILEY   - Ok. I'm going to run home now.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Good choice, fat ass.    

 At a McMansion interchangeable with other McMansions...

TAMRA BARNEY - So word in the OC Register is that you're in foreclosure.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Stupid reporters. Haven't they ever heard of a loan modification?

TAMRA BARNEY  - I haven't, and I've worked in real estate for ten years.

ALEXIS BELLINO - To be fair, you also don't know what a "house" is.

TAMRA BARNEY - They don't teach that until the advanced real estate courses.  

ALEXIS BELLINO -  Well, idiot, a loan modification is when you can't afford your mortgage payments, and the bank tries to take your house, but then your husband "arranges a deal."

TAMRA BARNEY  - How did you manage to afford this airbrushed photo shoot of a shirtless Jim, complete with diamond-encrusted picture frame?

ALEXIS BELLINO - It's called priorities, Tamra. Look it up.

Surf &Turf night...

DONN GUNVALSON - Great steak.


DONN GUNVALSON - I love white wine. Have I ever told you Riesling is my fav?

VICKI GUNVALSON - **Grunt, burp**

DONN GUNVALSON - I'll be 58 this year. Maybe we should throw a party!   

VICKI GUNVALSON - **grunt, burp, fart, but not necessarily in that order** 

DONN GUNVALSON - Do you like the show "Burn Notice?" I sure do.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Excuse me? I'm trying to eat, think about insurance, and balance bodily functions all at once.

DONN GUNVALSON  - Sorry, Vick. I'll just face the wall in silence.


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