


I’ve assembled some tips to keep your relationship feeling freshly shucked. Love is like a car, or intestines, and romance is like the oil change, or colonoscopy. Print these out and keep them in your pocket—you’ll be magically transported back to a time when you didn’t think of sex as an annoying reason to take off your robe. Back when seeing each other still made you a little nervous. Maybe nervous-er, if you’re really good at it.

So put a rose in your teeth and let’s go!


Sometimes jealousy is a real aphrodisiac. Why not give her the illusion that you’ve been cheating on her without any of the actual cheating. Have a friend call your cell phone repeatedly at odd hours, or quickly cover up your computer screen whenever she walks into a room. Now take her in your arms. Surprise! You’ve been taking a ballroom dancing class the whole time.

Use an Internet coupon for a couple’s massage. Let the soothing music and scent of bamboo take you into your own little world, and feel free to talk like the two people giving the massage aren’t there. Maybe discuss how weird it is to be massaged, as a couple, by two people, and wonder aloud if the masseuses would consider having sex with you.



Have a friend call your significant other from the hospital and say that she should get down there, right away. (If you don’t have a friend, use your Paul Lynde impression and pretend to be a sassy male nurse.) When she gets there, have a doctor tell her that you have been in a terrible accident. Surprise! The doctor is a stripper.


Open Tilda Swinton’s Wikipedia page. Say something like, "Wow, Tilda Swinton and her three-way marriage are really progressive, don’t you think? She’s so unconventionally beautiful." If your significant other agrees, go ahead and start checking the Portland Craigslist for people who want to be part of some kind of arrangement. If she doesn’t, go ahead and masturbate to Tilda Swinton’s Wikipedia page. She is unconventionally beautiful.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just disappear for a few days. If you’re not a minor, she can’t do anything for 24 hours. Try it!

Pick up a copy of Bon Appetit and choose a recipe together. Make a day of it and shop European-style by hitting a farmer’s market and butcher shop instead of going to a supermarket chain. Then prepare the meal together while drinking a nice wine and listening to a compilation CD of Cole Porter songs. When she reveals that she’s poisoned your food, reveal that you have also poisoned hers. Laugh, and die well-matched. You’re in love again!

