TIFU getting caught masturbating at work.

tifu Original
Kingroffy 14637 S G P x 2 2019-05-13 09:24:23

Removed due to personal threats in my inbox, not worth sharing my story if that's what I get. Thanks for the laughs some of you gave me in the comments.

As you may already be judging me by the title, I already know how bad this sounds.

Working my job I have a lot of walking around our huge building to do. Sometimes if I have even the slightest mildly erotic thought the blood goes straight to my junk and DOES NOT leave! No matter how hard I try to think of hideous things to make it go away.

To solve this problem and as to not seem unprofessional, revolting or even get done for sexual assault, I go to jack off in the toilets. I do this usually maybe twice a day.

Well today I forgot to lock the toilet door, I was in the motions of doing the deed when none other that the company director walks in (probably needing the bathroom) and catch’s me, I had no time to react and let go of my private’s immediately but I obviously had a raging boner.

He left right away after hesitating and waited outside to have a word with me (my heart was in my mouth by this point)

I was told to take the rest of the week off and have a meeting with HR next Wednesday... am expecting the worst, I just hope it’s not illegal what I did as I meant no harm to anyone.

TL:DR TIFU I got caught pumping the turkey neck in the work restroom, suspended with pay for the rest of the week.

  • If anyone is interested then I’ll update you all after the meeting next Wednesday (22nd) -

Update 1: Just to clarify, I wasn’t saying I would sexually assault someone if I didn’t relieve myself.

I was more so worried that a huge hard on pitching a tent in my slacks would be classed as assault, and also creep out/offend people.

I’m sorry if anyone was disturbed by this post, if you need any more info before I update the post then let me know. Thanks.

Working my job I have a lot of walking around our huge building to do. Sometimes if I have even the slightest mildly erotic thought and the blood goes straight to my junk and DOES NOT go.. not matter how hard I try to think of hideous things.

To solve this problem and not seem unprofessional or revolting or even get done for sexual assault, I go to jack off in the toilets. I do this usually maybe twice a day.

He left immediately and waited outside to have a word with me, I was told to take the rest of the week off and have a meeting with HR next Wednesday... am expecting the worst, I just hope it’s not illegal what I did as I meant no harm to anyone.

AssumeItsSarcastic 8292 G 1h38m

You might be able to salvage your job if you didn't say too much to your boss. Put it on a medical issue and you're less likely to be terminated or for them to verify. I'm not talking about "random boner" medical condition, I mean "I took some prescription Cialis last night, and effects can be felt for a while. I wasn't masturbating, I was trying to make it go down so I could participate in a professional atmosphere." It doesn't matter if the whole thing is a lie, it's about having those "legitimate medical issues" give HR pause to move forward. Regardless, you're going to need a new job.

TunaMustard 3529 S 5h28m

I think the Shaggy "Wasn't me" defense might also work here, /u/kingroffy. Just claim you got walked in on while on the toilet. Simply deny anything about masturbation. Especially if you're still young, you could claim you had a random erection and you were waiting for it to pass. Definitely put the ball back in their court. Be aggressively defensive: "Why are you asking me about what I was doing in the bathroom?"

Satan_and_Communism 2621 S x 2 G 6h25m

Is it illegal to take a shit while fully erect your honor?

xorthias 621 7h13m

Not only is this is an amazing no-context situation, your username enhances it so much more. I love this, and I love you.

Satan_and_Communism 245 7h13m

I love you too

benjidog1 187 7h20m

Now kiss

zacswift21 25 7h55m

I think they should do more than just kiss

prehensile_uvula 54 8h45m

Aaaaand now I’m fully erect. Better go take a shit.

Talking_Burger 5 8h5m

Wash your hands first.

togiveortoreceive 3 9h18m

And after.

burnerindia 4 9h19m

Satan and benji the sitting on a tree.. K.I.S.S.I.N.G

White_Dynamite 5 7h38m

'Satan and Communism' sounds like what a TED talk would be titled in the McCarthy era.

freebirdls 54 7h48m
ItsArik 30 7h17m

I'm done with reddit for the day lmaooo

stonedOCTOPUS4 4 9h48m

not many comments make me actually laugh but this was one

Summort 21 7h47m

Holy shit, great comment, I wish I could hear this live some day, I could die happy

Stompedyourhousewith 21 7h49m

i have a medical condition where I have to pump my penis for the poo to come out

CandyDuck 7 7h52m

I'll allow it.

NewbSaysRawr 7 9h6m

I'm sorry I thought this was America

FredrickTheFish 6 10h15m

The problem with insanely funny Reddit comments like this is that in order to show it to someone else I have to make them read the entire post above and all the comments above it. Which is not only a lot of reading, but I also have no idea you would even format something like that

nutano 4 7h18m

It is only while standing up.

MyCatisaStripper 3 8h7m
sleepintheday 3 8h22m
basilbroosh 3 8h33m

Me? No I'm just sat at work having a full on belly laugh at this motherfucking comment.

Mee6s 3 9h54m

"It is with a belt around your neck"

Robustss 424 6h1m

yeah just deny all knowledge but it depends what you have already said to him. It's his word versus yours so unless you have admitted it already just deny deny deny

holidayarmadill0 788 G 6h10m

The Shutter Island defence. Where you just go in 110% confident and so sure of yourself that you make the other person begin to doubt themselves and have second thoughts..”maybe I didn’t see it how I thought I did”.

If you’re really good at it you will convince the company director that he was the one masturbating and it was you who walked in on him.

Robustss 209 6h15m

I think this is the only option he has

ergotronomatic 377 6h49m

for real tho, who is going to argue that you were jerking off?!

"But he had his dick in his hand!"

"no shit dude, you walked in on me and I tried to cover up mid shit!"

"you were jerking off!"

"why are you obsessed with that fantasy! i was taking a shit and you walked in!"

[deleted] 76 7h34m

Now this is real rocket science.

CringeNibba 6 9h23m

This guy here living in 3019 while we schmuks are stuck in 2019

Lostinthestarscape 18 8h53m

The other option is flipping it around. Pervy director of your company has tried to walk in in on you while you were going to the washroom 3 times now (he probably has tried the door and had it be in use and not know who was in there at least a couple other times before). This time he got lucky and the door was unlocked. He'll drop the HR claim in no time. On a serious matter though I dont think there should be any repercussions. You are doing a bathroom thing in the privacy of a bathroom. They might have a better case if you were at your post, or repeatedly shouting obscenities involving "Sharon the front desk lady" while pumping it, or if there are issues of people jacking off into tissues and leaving them places other than the toilet bowl (or jacking off and leaving it on the sink stand... thank you McDonalds for exposing me to having to clean that up....). Otherwise yeah, say it is a medical issue and you were trying to handle it yourself (sorry, you'll be hard pressed to find a way to say that without it sounding like an inappropriate pun) but will talk to your doctor about it (who might even give you a prescription to walk it at work).

edit: grammar and such

m0dru 70 7h12m

just walk into the meeting with HR with a raging boner while maintaining eye contact.

IceFire909 15 8h50m

Make sure it's the boner keeping eye contact

Lostinthestarscape 4 9h6m

Make sure to also offer your strongest handshake

IceFire909 5 9h8m

When you shake hands, do a jerking motion

ManyPoo 12 6h55m

He's probably mad he can't get an erection like OP. If I was OP I'd proposition him to keep this quite and in exchange he can watch OP jack off once a day

Taco-twednesday 3 8h44m

"It's always that big you should see when I really have an erection"

BikiniATroll 139 6h59m

Why not just gaslight him? Go with, "This never happened but what kind of sick and perverted fantasies are you having about me? I won't stand for this sexual harassment!"

Use plenty of legal buzzwords that make the situation extremely uncomfortable for all present and involved with the company.

Regardless, gotta quit but at least make them question their sanity before you go, right?

quantum-mechanic 16 8h26m

More like "gonna quit and get a fat settlement check too"

tricksovertreats 3 8h21m

American Beauty him all over the room

Lintlickker 401 6h26m

As an attorney, I wonder about whether masturbation in the private confines of a bathroom stall is "cause" for termination. If you are an "at will" employee they can essentially fire you for any reason other than race, gender, sexual orientation, age (sometimes), medical condition (sometimes). If they do need cause, I think they would have a hard time claiming cause just because of the act, assuming it was in private, on break, and not using "viewing material". However, just in case, I would (a) not admit sexual pleasuring under any circumstances; (b) lawyer up for the hearing; (c) get a copy of the employee handbook and your contract and read them carefully. I would avoid telling the whole story....

Twl1 418 6h43m

I would avoid telling the whole story...

...like on an internet forum which is one of the most trafficked sites in the world, even going so far as to detail the date of the prospective HR meeting, making it very difficult to deny any coincidental circumstance between such a post and the events therein described?

Cause man, if HR were to find such a posting, this guy'd be extra fucked.

poolerboy0077 129 7h34m

Ironic twist: He works for Reddit.

english-23 44 8h18m

I think they're all used to circle jerking though

WritingScreen 13 7h36m

No worries, it’s not like this actually happened.

Lintlickker 5 7h50m

100% agree on the posting issue. And twice a day?? Guy needs to take it easy on himself...

ScarletSilver 5 6h43m

This guy lawyers.

Bassie_c 6 7h17m

And now I want to study law even more.

R2TheDubb 151 G 7h8m

🎶🎶"Boss walked in and caught me one handed, jerkin in the bathroom stall"

"Picture this his eyes locked in on the middle of my shaft and balls" 🎶🎶

gucci_ghost 52 8h23m

🎶 🎶 How could I forget not to close the door "when I pee"?

All this time he was standing there, thinking how to fire me 🎶 🎶

LolWhereAreWe 31 9h57m

“Dropped a nut on the counter, it wasn’t me.”

cerberuss09 28 10h4m

"Saw me jerkin on the toilet, it wasn't me"

Wudzy 35 10h33m

"I was jerkin for an hour! (Wasn't me)"

iRebelD 21 12h5m

"Thought of Karen, wanna plow her (Wasn't me)"

Nostromos_Cat 6 12h35m
mcpatsky 6 19h1m

He stayed until it was over (Wasn’t me).

koopa69 6 20h1m

He realized I was a grower (Wasn’t me)

Kingroffy 13 11h54m

OMG I’m dead you guys 😄. But really I am so embarrassed and worried about the outcome of this.

BlasterBilly 43 6h40m

Go further, file sexual harassment on him for approaching you about your bathroom activities.

joetheogre 15 8h3m

This is the correct strategy, I think.

They'll probably still fire you, but it'll be in a couple of months and for something contrived. At least you'll have a few weeks to gameplan your escape.

ShiningMark20 13 7h43m
—I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
—That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
—Masturbation is a memory loss habit so maybe you just don't remember.
—I would remember.
—Well how could you if it just erased your memory? 
—That's not how it works. 
—Now how do you know how it works?
—Knock it off! I'm interviewing you!
—No. You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how long have you been masturbating in that toilet?
[deleted] 8 8h7m


ep-alex 5 7h11m

I +1 this. Turn it around on them.

skesisfunk 5 8h41m

yeah pretty much this. If he was wackin' in his cubicle thats a different story but dude was in the bathroom. I'd just ask for proof and play the privacy card pretty hard.

TunaMustard 6 8h50m


Yeah, what OP did really isn't that big of a deal IMO. It's gross to walk in on, just like it'd be gross to walk in on him wiping his ass or popping a pimple, but he was in a bathroom. It even sounds like it was a 1 person bathroom and not a bunch of stalls.

So yeah unless he was listening go audible porn, using the work wi-fi, or taking longer than his normal breaks would permit...who cares?

Sopissedrightnow84 5 9h30m


I agree. I wouldn't even consider terminating one of my employees over something like this, much less get HR involved. The exception would be the things you said or if I have reason to believe it's a consistent thing.

Frapcaster 4 6h42m

"What kind of sick pervert are you to have imagined me having an erection? This is harrassment! Can't a man urinate in peace?"

trustworthysauce 3 7h54m

This is a good point, and probably a fine defense on a personal level.

From a professional standpoint, though, OP is done at his job in all likelihood. In an at-will employment state HR would not need to give must of a reason for letting him go (or a reason at all), and I think it is likely that OP would not want to have to go in front of an ethics panel or something similar and defend himself anyway.

TunaMustard 3 7h56m

I agree, even if they let him stay, he's not likely going to be able to advance. But this might give him some extra time to job hunt, and to officially leave in good standing, instead of being fired on the spot, with cause.

EarthVSFlyingSaucers 3 8h42m

Aww yes, the very important case of Shaggy V. Girlfriend. The Shaggy defense was a very high profile, controversial court hearing when it happened.

Even caught me jerking in the bathroom “wasn’t me”.

tungstencoil 3 10h36m

This. In addition, is the Director some kind of expert on what is masturbation and what is not?

This defense has been used successfully in public cruising cases where guys, seeking anonymous hookups with guys they meet in toilets, would jack a little to indicate interest.

Furthermore, when asked, "why didn't you say so/question being sent home" claim surprise, embarrassment over being interrupted using the toilet, confusion, followed by assumption you were sent home for not being on an official poop break or something.

vrtig0 308 4h46m

"Tough break for hand job. He was all set to be shipped out on a medical."

remembermeordont 82 5h11m

Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy fucker starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division.

Joetato 21 6h6m

Section 8? Isn't that housing assistance? Shit, show me a waiting room I can jerk off in so I get housing assistance.

PDXPayback 27 6h13m

It's a Full Metal Jacket quote. Section 8 is a category of discharge from the US military (it's what Klinger from MASH was always trying for).

Barihawk 6 8h14m

Section 8 is a psycho discharge from the military and qualifies as honorable because it's medically mandated.

snakewithnoname 6 6h14m

“What do you take in trade?”

“What do you got?”

coorslight15 152 6h27m

Pretty sure this is an actual medical issue...if you HAVE to masturbate twice a day at work..you have an issue.

JohnnyDarkside 84 7h21m

Seriosuly. Medical or mental. I remember being a horny as shit teen wanting to hump everything but I could at least get through a day without feeling like I had to masturbate. If you're in your 20's still not only feeling like you have to choke the chicken every day but twice then there's something up besides your dick.

skankintickle 12 7h54m

Are you saying if someone's libido is the same in their 20s as in their teens that's not normal? can amental health and sex professional weigh in on this?

hughperman 46 8h40m

If someone cannot control themself and it interferes with their daily activities, that is the very definition of a disorder

collegekid12341234 9 8h7m

Not an expert at all but I found a quote from this study https://www.omicsonline.org/open-access/compulsive-masturbation-treated-with-selective-serotonin-reuptake-inhibitors-Psychiatry-1000299.php?aid=54381 that states, "Compulsive masturbation does not have a distinct code in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition D.S.M.-V (2013) but can be classified as other specified sexual dysfunction [2]. The I.C.D.–10 classifications (W.H.O., 1992) ha ve a diagnostic category termed “excessive sexual desire” and compulsive masturbation may fall into this category [3]. Compulsive sexual behavior has been characterized as a behavioral addiction and an obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorder."

So maybe OP had some sort of OCD? Not sure if that or "excessive sexual desire" is a disability that you can take to HR or not.

effervescenthoopla 3 8h53m

Definitely fits the OCD spectrum. Nearly any set of repetitive and mentally-unavoidable actions can become OCD. In particular, this reminds me a bit of dermatillomania in that while it's not *technically* under the strict criteria for OCD, it definitely fills up about 75%+ of the symptoms, so you can probably consider it a form of OCD.

JohnnyDarkside 5 12h37m

Well it does start to diminish as you get older but I'm not saying libido drops that much, it's just that you're better able to manage it. In your teens, you're awash in chemicals, girls starting developing around you, all these new emotions. It's all overwhelming. By the time you get into your 20's, you should be able to manage it without feeling like you have to rub one out, especially if at work.

Multi_Grain_Cheerios 33 8h9m

Yeah, he's addicted to it. He literally can't help himself and it's having a negative impact on his life. If you couldn't get through work without a shot of alcohol and you had to go do a shot in the bathroom, everyone would say you have an addiction problem.

Deadhead7889 100 6h16m

OP you should go to the doctor's this week before the HR meeting. Maybe you have high Testosterone and can have that in writing for the meeting. If you have a medical condition and are seeking treatment, maybe even therapy, you might be able to salvage this. Even if you don't want to keep the job it might help future employment.

TheRedmanCometh 3 9h31m

You dont typically get results so fast

Sharkeybtm 3 10h52m

But you CAN get a note saying you were seen by a doctor regarding the situation. If you spin it along the lines of “that was the catalyst for me seeking help”, I could see this going in a good direction.

There is a difference between blabbering and trying to excuse a fetish and admitting that you have a problem and are seeking help.

Plus, I’m sure getting it declared a medical condition should protect you from wrongful termination under the Americans with Disabilities Act.


I have yep medical conditions that are minor to me, but involve things that HR cannot easily verify themselves and would be a very gray area if they wanted to push an issue.

I use it to my advantage all the time.

[deleted] 20 6h9m


claustrofucked 14 6h55m

Literally any medical condition you don't need an accommodation for.

DentRandomDent 7 7h16m

Shoulder obsession.

aaronhowser1 7 8h6m

Aggressive masturbation in the restroom

faissaloo 3 8h17m

Compulsive foot licking

Montanabioguy 52 6h48m

They also cannot demand to see your medical records to confirm that. It'll be easier if you can get a Cialis from a friend as "Proof". But medical privacy laws will help you here. HR won't go near trying to force you to provide them. It opens them up to you suing them.

I'd go with this defense. It's brilliant.

However even if this works, I would consider your days numbered and look for another company while you're still employed. If they're determined to terminate you, they'll find a way.

Easter_1916 26 7h32m

It is the best defense. HR will fear lawsuit if firing you for a possible medical condition. But the explanation for the actual scenario should be purely clinical - you were experiencing a side effect from medication, it was causing discomfort and embarrassment, you were in restroom to see if side effect would resolve and to inspect the area, and your supervisor entered the stall.

HondaCrv2010 8 8h51m

You are Right HR or management cannot demand to see your medical, however on the flip side if you claim medical but don't provide it, ur arguments have no basis. Hopefully op is unionized and didn't say anything.

They can't prove that u were jerking off you could've literally had an itch. Don't admit to anything bc whatever u say will be used against you. The truth will not set you free in this case.

-HR specialist

EphraimXP 40 5h58m

Why should this be even an issue? Your boner belongs to you!

Tzoiker 3 10h26m

Reading a lot of comments I really don't get it. Why is there even a possibility that he can get fired for this? Isn't it the same as being fired for taking a deuce in a toilet? He didn't do it in public, wtf?

kale4reals 26 5h47m

Thank you for saying “regardless,” correctly.

thugarth 62 5h52m

I like to say "regardless" irregardless of proper usage. Regardless, have a nice day!

troisfoisrien11 5 6h37m

Cialis and Viagra both have an onset of 1-2 hours, which is why you are supposed to take them before sex. Seeing as these drugs are commonly prescribed, you could actually more damage if anyone else knows that (they likely do). So instead it's going to look like you took a Cialis with the intention of jacking off at work. Not sure that's better lol.

swankyleg 3 6h29m

Regardless, you're going to need a new job.

Haha I'm glad you said this. Even if he manages to save his job he's going to for this point forward be known as the dude who beats off at work lol.

tigersblud 3 7h2m

LOL I work in HR and this is actually good advice if you don’t want to be terminated. Not sure it will work and it still wouldn’t be illegal to terminate you but this is as good of a Hail Mary if I’ve ever seen one.

evilwon12 7839 4h26m

How TF did you get through middle school and high school?

LakeVermilionDreams 2591 S 4h56m

Chastity cage?

Stekun 782 6h39m

That's the most painful type of boner.

discerningpervert 542 6h59m

For you.

DarthZan 414 7h6m

Username checks out.

faissaloo 86 8h13m

What's the next step of your mastur plan?

csquinn11 3 9h27m
phantom_xx7 69 7h24m

The hardest choices require the strongest wills.

virgilad 3 14h52m

This one deserves more upvotes.

DeadArtist617 9 7h28m

it’s not painful if it’s small enough! 😔

ChasteFunAccount 7 7h9m

Now we're talking!

BiKnight 13 8h7m

Username checks out.

throwawaynewyears19 3 8h19m

Here’s the rest of my silver buddy

AntManMax 3 8h44m

Billy Mays here with the Cum-Thru Penis Plug!

fortniteinfinitedab 3 9h19m

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I___________ 338 5h6m

Ah man, I still remember I had to jerk off in the restroom everyday during lunch

[deleted] 616 6h32m


Tourian25 315 6h56m

Not could have, it did happen.

Promiscuous_Gerbil 136 7h11m

Jokes on you, they removed the stall doors in my high school bathrooms. Ain't nothing private happening in there.

And for the record, that didn't stop people from doing stupid shit in there. Like smoking weed, or boxing.

lv4_squirtle 148 7h35m

What happens to people taking a dump? Everyone can just walk in and see, sounds horrible. 😅

jeffroddit 134 7h43m

Nobody poops at school, WTH kinda school did you go to?

lv4_squirtle 61 7h44m

Ehh, I dont want to talk about it. Also I developed the pain of having to poop every morning. =( sad times.

MakesNosense69 35 7h48m

I had the same issue lol it would always kick in on the bus. About 20 minutes from the school

eftva 86 7h56m

I remember you. You always smelled like poop on the bus.

oscarfacegamble 6 8h23m

Having to poop every morning is a far better problem than not being able to poop for days in a row, trust me...

CappuccinoBoy 3 9h25m

Kinda the same. I developed the habit of pooping after 230, usually around 245 (about when I got home from high school) didn't help that my college classes the first year reinforced this habit by having a break from 2:15 to 3:15.

It's currently 2:49 and you can guess what I'm doing while at work.

CuboneTheSaranic 3 10h24m

Senior in HS, and my shit schedule has evolved so instead of shitting at 3 before I go to work, I shit at 1 when im still at school...

DantesCoffeeShop 4 8h19m

People with history of digestive issues DO INDEED poop at school. If it’s not the lunch room bathroom, it’s the health room bathroom.

GoldenLionCarpark 6 8h6m

It's the worst.

The faculty restroom had a single stall and a lock on the door. 4 years of high school and only got caught once. I remember Mr. Gill banging on the door and sending me to the office once I emerged. After that, I paid off a student aid for a key to the other faculty bathroom on the far side of the school for the Ag and Art teachers.

In boot camp, the RDCs disallowed us the use of the stall privacy curtains. Once everyone comes to the eye level rule, it's not bad, as long as you don't sit across from Mr. Wide Stance.

RowdyRuss3 44 7h31m

Is that legal???

SuperTiesto 58 7h36m

Boxing? Sure.

haxoreni 5 7h52m

I will make it legal.

GleepGloopGlop 15 7h0m

Yeah no doubt. I knew about people having actual sex but the auto-pleasuring never occurred to me

eye_spi 3 9h5m

Every high school you attended and many, many more.

oneluckytito 226 6h24m

I used to see if i cud get one out in the few minutes between classes. it was like speedrunning. Do not reccomend, very bad training for later life.

Almost935 11 7h28m

At the height of my puberty in 9th grade, I rubbed one out during class by rubbing my dick through my jeans while pretending to sleep

Beorbin 23 7h38m

How many years in grammar school did you repeat?

Almost935 5 8h45m

They hold you guys back for masturbation across the pond? That's fucked.

WhoTheDevil101 4 8h58m

Fucked across the pond might have been an adequate prevention strategy.

tombee123 12 8h18m

But now there's a cumstain on your jeans "hey almost935 what's that on your jeans!? Wait is that really?! WTF !"

Almost935 3 8h46m

It just looks like you spilled water on your pants from the outside. It's only the liquid that makes it through the jeans-filter

YouthMin1 18 9h15m



You just walked around with semen running down your leg?

Contigen 6 7h42m

holi fuk sneak 100

Satan_and_Communism 180 6h24m

What the fuck

BikiniATroll 110 6h43m

Being a teen with a high sex drive is tough. But, I never would have been able to do that. I used to just fantasize about finally getting home. Then I'd immediately run upstairs after school to "take a nap" which was partially true because I was tired but it was never "straight to sleep."

smaugington 60 7h2m

Yeah, like I used to ogle and flirt with chicks in high school but would wait to get home and jerk off. Like why would I want to do it in a rush and sneaky like at school in a gross bathroom when I could be alone at home in front of a computer with literally hours to do the deed.

IroquoisPliskin- 7 8h21m


This is what I thought. My school's bathrooms were so dirty and nasty I hated going in there even to take a piss let alone jerk off wtf.

blankietaker 3 8h46m

Some bathrooms are clean though, the school I’m going to right now has clean bathrooms

IceFire909 4 8h35m

Because how will the schoolgirls know you like them if you don't leave fresh cum in their lockers?

smaugington 7 8h43m

Nah man, that ain't my style. Gotta jerk off in a condom and then wrap that around their lock.

IceFire909 5 8h43m

Ah yea fair point.

Different schools, different traditions I guess

sirbissel 36 7h2m

Our bathroom stalls had no doors. I think I now know why...

jiibbs 22 8h37m

You know what other institutions don't have stall doors in their bathrooms?

Prisons. It's public schools, and prisons. It's almost like one prepares you for the other... but that'd be silly to base solely on bathroom stalls, though.

IHartRed 5 9h39m

Our security said previous generations kept kicking them off.

assincompass 5 8h2m

Napsterbating. My fav.

StonerWaka95 47 7h42m

Ahhhhh.... i hope you aimed it in the toilet. I remember one day getting dresses for soccer practice and threw off my pants in the corner of the stall farthest from the toilet trying to keep it away from all the people with poor aim with peeing. After changing i realized my jeans were covered in jizz after picking them up.😣🤮

I___________ 36 8h6m

Oh no worries here. I had a secret technique. I would sit on the toilet wanking it normally. Then just as I was about to release. I would semi stand in an incomplete sort of squat over the toilet. Pull my rear end back while bending downward and leaning my body forward. At the same time I’d begin bending my shaft downward too. Thrust my pelvis downward while bending my knees. And leaning forward while looking down. It would all make it inside the bowl.

I called it the reverse cowboy

jiibbs 9 8h39m

That's actually just the cowboy, the reverse cowboy is when you jack it on the toilet while you face the wall, AC Slater-style.

ASAPqtpie 9 9h20m

And that way you have a table to rest your bowl of cereal and comic book on.

Rollin4X4Coal 3 12h59m

Life hacks ftw

blazer965 4 9h1m

I kinda had the same technique!

Precat8 3 10h11m

That’s exactly what I do lmfao but sometimes it runs on the back of your hands and some might even drip onto the edge of the toilet but that’s rare

AngryOCDman 8 8h54m

Why would you think throwing your clothes on the FLOOR of a men’s bathroom was a good idea? Lol

IceFire909 3 8h36m

>covered in jizz

Wtf if the pile is that large how did you not notice and why pull them out of the puddle!?

shrugaholic 6 7h44m

On a serious note please don’t do this. Our high school had to get the drains repaired a couple of years back because they don’t make the urinals for… thick fluids to pass through. I hope if you absolutely must, you do so in the toilet or somewhere where it will not clog.

Eyeklops 5 8h8m

So the kids in your school were masturbating so much they clogged the pipes with awesome sauce? Must have been a school for the soon to be blind.

i_dont_like_potato 4 8h14m

What subject did you teach?

1WanWan 332 6h23m

The hairiest hands in the west.

xX420_WeedMan_420Xx 158 6h47m

The blindest man in the West.

IcyLab 14 7h10m

And a shot of cum on his bosses chest

TherapeuticThrowback 5 8h5m

“Damnit u/KingRoffy, my $90 vest!”

IceFire909 3 8h33m

Sorry sir, I'm doing my best.

QuaintHeadspace 42 5h50m

Hannibal lecter muzzle on his dick

nachog2003 4 7h27m

You mean a chastity cage?

HotgunColdheart 11 6h37m

He didn't, still teaching middle school

DarkmessageCH 5779 1h14m

Dude, if you have to jack off twice a day because your boners won't go away, you should probably see a doctor.

Daleilama 2249 5h24m

Looks like he trained himself to jack off Everytime his peewee gets out of sleep mode. Dude needs to train not jacking off to every time his blood leaves his brain.

The_Werodile 884 6h39m

It's tough but the best method I've found is a rubber band around the wrist. I had heard of someone doing it to quit smoking when I was in middle school. I was jerking off like all the damn time and it was making me really depressed so I decided to cut back. Everytime I had the urge, I'd thwack myself with the rubber band.
Later on, when my Mom asked me why I was doing that, I told her I was trying to quit smoking and she got super pissed off. I never even smoked cigarettes but I was much more inclined to go down for that.

maybeSYOD 420 6h47m

If that doesnt work try putting the rubber band somewhere else.

eachna 308 6h51m

Please don't. You can cause permanent damage doing that.

AzraelTB 282 7h0m

I mean, castration would fix the issue probably.

[deleted] 20 7h32m

Probably wouldn't even have the issue if he wasn't born to begin with.

soderholm 3 9h28m

you're right he should just end it and go back where he came from.

teh__Doctor 78 6h51m

You obviously mean to tie my sister’s hair amirite?
We at Alabama use it all the time

maybeSYOD 46 6h55m

Exactly. The old southeast sister twister.

imnotlegolas 31 7h18m

Doesn't anyone know that you can flex your thigh muscles and it makes your boner go away?

UnsolvedDishes 7 7h25m

It's also very good for anxiety. If you can get one of those rubber "festival wristband" styles, it looks like an accessory. Then, when you get anxious, you snap it on your wrist and say "STOP" (in your head, if nessecary). People are less likely to ask about why you have some random band on your wrist, and just think you're playing with it when you snap it.

Edit: like this


That's how you get pain fetishes

HoboOfTheSeas 7 8h2m

Side note, Digital Forensic Profiler here, profession is not related however during my research with real criminals. A few of them has rubber bands and it was to stop the urges of self harm due to imprisonment. Speaking with a therapist at the prison she told me that it's recommended because people want to sometimes feel pain. People who cut either want the pain release or see blood. Those who want pain and are taught to use the rubber band method have reduced suicide tenancies and a faster recovery time.

ashadowwolf 6 8h2m

This is also used for people who have the urge to self harm. Basically distracts you from your thought spiral and literally snaps you back into reality. Also makes you feel something which is one of the many reasons why some people self harm.

Sounds like a pretty good idea until you realise you're a masochist or end up becoming one through conditioning.

NewAccount4Friday 4 7h36m

So mom wanted you to smoke?

The_Werodile 4 8h14m

No she was pissed that I smoked to begin with. Good logic though, lol

lex_a_jt 4 9h4m

This is a recommendation from therapists and some psychiatrists as well but not in regards to jerking it as far as I know. When I went to therapy, I was told to wear a rubber band around my wrist whenever I had certain thoughts in my head that usually bring down my mood. The rubber band snap on the skin would act in such a way to break those thoughts momentarily or sometimes for good.

My girlfriend was also given this advice from a psychiatrist when she was battling depression several years ago. It helps prevent her from entering the rough places she usually goes to when she feels there is nothing left for her in this world.

The best part, if you snap yourself enough times it gets rather raw at the point of contact with the rubber band. So, with enough snaps of the band OP's soldier hopefully will stop standing at attention awaiting corporal punishment.

zumpers0 266 6h36m

Totally, it's probably become a force if habit at this point or an addiction. You can actually get addicted to the dopamine from wanking it.

TheShadyGuy 54 6h56m

Damn straight you can.

phatBleezy 22 7h0m


boobodst 4 9h48m

It’s not that straightforward. You might adopt addictive behaviors which like all addictions have roots in prior behavioral disorders and anomalies, but you can’t get a chemical addiction like with heroin or meth. Unless you have some sort of glandular disorder, your body can’t produce enough of any of these chemicals to create chemical dependency. When you talking about an actual drug you’re talking about a 3-4 orders of magnitude greater dosing than what the body can do on its own. That’s so high it actually permanently damages receptor sites and temporarily disrupts your prefrontal cortex which makes it harder and harder to regulate behavior in the future. There is no comparison to natural phenomena like orgasming or winning a bet. What happens in those cases is your practice having low willpower and your brain learns. It’s not damaged, and you can unlearn it. It’s simply the function of the normal, healthy function of a brain directed at poor behaviors. It’s probably fine to call these things maladaptive learned behaviors, and not correct to call them addictions.

nothashrocket 29 6h46m

IANAD but sounds like anxiety issues. His friend wakes up, and he stresses over it and has to deal with it.

suzi_generous 10 7h17m

Agreed. If he can’t stop thinking about his erection to the point of being unprofessional or thinking about sexual assault, he may be obsessive compulsive and need to see a psychologist. There’s medication that can help him relax about his obsessions.

misterperiodtee 4 7h34m

Flexing the thighs and holding it diverts the blood and the erection will fade.

Pmmesmallboobz 479 4h43m

He should probably just jerk off in the morning before work

Jhergne 187 5h1m

There is still one left...

Wiwwil 259 5h27m

Lunch break ? That's how you get free mayonnaise for your sandwich.

Luccyboy 195 5h49m
StaffordsJohnson81 47 5h56m

“Jimmy’s John”

Aryanindo 15 6h1m

gargle on my mayo

bobsmith93 5 7h34m

"He'll make you his sex slave,

You're gonna gargle mayonnaise"



masonthursday 114 5h7m


Insecurity-Guard 106 5h41m

If he does it in the morning before work, he won’t be getting paid. OP was literally being paid to jack off.

jvrcb17 38 5h47m

this guy jacks

Insecurity-Guard 92 5h49m

Boss makes a dollar,

I make a dime.

That’s why I shit/pee/jack/reddit

On company time.

babygrenade 3 6h14m

Lunch break is probably his own time

CurtisAndFriends 406 5h46m

I'm with this guy. I was expecting twice a week at most. You've clearly reached a point where these "Random Boners" are likely because you're body is so used to cranking it twice a day, so when it hits that time Woody will always spring up on cue.

Udzinraski2 123 5h54m

He will be the one laughing when we're in our seventies and he's the only one with a functioning prostate. There's science that shows a daily jerkoff lowers one's chance of prostate cancer by as much as 1 in 8. Prostate cancer is also the most prevalent cancer in men, affecting I believe 1 in 6.

schneker 206 6h9m

I think the issue is that it’s at work.

me_team 23 6h41m

If the science supports it, then it's preventative health-care at that point. Should be given breaks at work for that specific purpose :P

Zappiticas 18 7h26m

I worked a corporate job where the company had a "mental health room" which was a room with a locking door, no windows, a comfy chair, tissues, and a sink. It's intent was for nursing mothers or people that needed a mental health break. Everyone called it the masturbation room.

IceFire909 8 8h43m


xJunon 75 6h12m

So get your daily wank outside of work hours.

TORFdot0 3 8h39m

Boss gets a dollar, I get a dime. That's why I jerk off on company time

Internet001215 74 6h11m

Even then any normal person should have no problem waiting until they get home to do the deed.

nothashrocket 45 6h49m

I can see his meeting in HR. "I'm doing it for medical reasons! There's science that shows a daily jerk-off lowers one's chance of prostate cancer by as much as 1 in 8. Prostate cancer is also the most prevalent cancer in men, affecting I believe 1 in 6. You repressing me is LITERALLY GIVING ME CANCER! NEXT!"

Udzinraski2 36 6h52m

More like "you want to discuss what I was doing in the bathroom? Can we have this conversation in writing, please."

nothashrocket 31 6h55m

Agreed. The whole "i saw you had a hard on at work, you need to take some time off and see HR on Wednesday" thing is kind of weird. Was OP so deep in thought that he didn't hear the door open? Did director person stand and watch him for a few minutes before making a noise like they were in a porno? Is/was it obvious that OP was beating it when he walked in? We need more details!

wildlywell 3 8h52m

OP finished.

particularlytoasted 8 8h12m

"This one weird trick to prevent prostrate cancer. Employers hate it!"

cobaltandchrome 4 7h25m

Yeah no one resents him jerking every day, it’s that he lets his body tell him when to do it (at work when it’s a bad idea) instead of having self control and doing it at home like a normal non-creep.

Ulton 3 7h17m

So no fap November causes cancer?

Udzinraski2 4 7h38m

Only a masochist gives up orgasms for a whole month, thats just evil.

theresourcefulKman 105 1h18m

He probably should be on some type of list

ronin_in_the_wind 67 4h1m

No worries. If he wasn't before he is now.

notLOL 65 6h14m

Pavlov's boner. Walking arises him now

Idiot_Savant_Tinker 11 6h49m

Pavlov's boner

Great. Now I have to explain why I'm laughing

notLOL 4 6h58m


I meant arouses. Freudian slip up

Doc580 33 6h3m

Flexing the butt and thighs usually helps it go away. Just fyi

thoughtnautilus 30 5h57m

Nah dude haven't you seen Wolf of Wall Street? Gotta keep the balance below the belt.

StupidTruth 3 6h52m

Yes...a therapist.

zesnbdk 3 6h53m

I was thinking the same. OP is talking like it is totally normal to have this uncontrollable urge twice a day at work, but it definitely is not normal.

Does he really think all of his male colleagues are doing it twice a day at work? Almost no one does that..

theresourcefulKman 3851 1h19m

How about wacking it before going to work?

bourbonwelfare 1505 5h4m

Or on the way to work! Two birds, one stone.

smilespeace 530 5h12m

One bird, one bone, and a repeated dice-roll-esque throw like motion.

bigfatcarp93 106 6h27m

How do you wanna do this?

Unstoppable_Balrog 9 8h29m

Blessed comment

crimson_gh0st 5 8h22m

Get two birds stoned at once.

Diegobyte 216 5h41m

I agree public transit is so boring anyways!

howhardcoulditB 140 6h19m

Please no, I've got enough assholes on the road to watch out for without having to worry about op jacking off and weaving into my lane.

KomaPota 51 6h44m

Come to India one day

andeleidun 38 7h58m

Instructions unclear: jacked off to a map of India.

noafrochamplusamurai 3 9h30m

Have seen how thicc India is though.......

One-eyed-snake 25 7h20m

Do you have a lot of people wanking it while driving there?

KomaPota 23 7h38m

Not exactly but lot of people driving wrong way in full speed, police not giving a shit, no helmets, accidents and traffic

fastnfurious76 130 5h16m

Exactly. A former colleague used to do this daily during her commute from the comfort of her vehicle. One hand on the wheel and the other on her big black dildo. She never seemed to mind the excessive traffic either.

KamikazeSnark 173 6h6m

This would have been believable if you'd said "vibrator" instead of "big black dildo"

fastnfurious76 41 6h26m

just calling it as I saw it.

justprettymuchdone 127 5h32m

Why do you know this?

No, wait. I probably don't need to know why.

JusticeRain5 246 5h38m

It was always awkward carpooling with her...

At least she offered to share it when she was done.

[deleted] 51 7h8m


steinah6 9 8h38m


HorizonZeroD 3 8h41m

Village bicycle

One-eyed-snake 7 7h21m

“Wanna lick?”

stiffjoint 3 7h44m

You do not speak for all of us.

Cobearz 49 6h24m

This is nice method until a trucker can see everything. Unless you don't mind of course. Also...not sure why people believe just because your perspective you can't see them doesn't mean they can't see you.

(freight driver that comes weekly tells me stories.)

chefwatson 34 6h43m

Only weekly? I would figure if he had that many stories, he would be cumming daily!

BootyQuakes69 3 7h5m

If there's one thing the road teaches you, it's to never forget your piss jugs and cum box.

KnowHope24 11 6h52m

comes weekly

Does the freight driver also own a big black dildo?

dan7554 25 5h19m

Two birds stoned at once

Kevinbruce88 5 7h50m

Worst case ontario

BlackSecurity 71 6h14m

I was really horny one time and tried to wank before going to work. I was in the car, parked at my works parking lot about to head in. But I couldn't do it with my boner so I had to wank. It was the worst thing ever. Constant fear of people walking by and it just doesn't feel the same if I'm not doing it at home. I got through it, but it sucked and I'll never do it again!

GarfieldSpiritAnimal 106 6h44m

Do it at home before work you Neanderthal

TheUnfabulousKilljoy 70 7h43m

I don't know why you'd think jacking off in your car in your work parking lot is not substantially worse than jacking off in your work's bathroom.

christinacruz 3 11h14m

He wasn't on the clock.

oscarfacegamble 7 8h24m

I really don't understand how humans made it this far

codblopsII 58 6h13m

He said twice a day though

ThePoltageist 54 6h25m

Pro Tip : just jack it twice before you leave

Mi7che1l 31 6h32m

Let's hope he doesn't work for the mob or they're going to wack him off.

TDIMike 1486 3h56m

The good news is that you have several days to dedicate to finding a new job

ParrotChild 949 S 6h18m

Or whacking it. Several days of non-stop whackity whack (don't talk back...)

bethesunshine14 84 7h13m

I got such a good laugh out of this comment 😂

BullshitBaron 6 7h44m

Although first you might want to swing by /r/Drugs and read up on some of the meth filled wack-a-thons to get an idea of how beat that meat sticks gonna be after awhile.

WaitTilUSeeMyDuck 3 9h0m

Spit is the devil's lube

EarthVSFlyingSaucers 3 8h43m

Butcher Pete wants to know your location

with_MIND_BULLETS 5 8h17m

For realsies - best case scenario, you are on your way to a PIP and a termination for something else in 3 months, or you’re fired now. There is no turning this one around at your current job.

Either way, ride out the time you have left while you brush that resume off now and start looking for a new job asap.

DuduLLe360 1481 3h31m

suspended with pay for the rest of the week

Where do you work that you get paid holiday for jerking off?

Seriously asking. I want to work there too.

carlbandit 707 4h8m

Wherever it is, I heard they may have a vacancy opening up around Wednesday 22nd. (sorry OP, hope it goes well - maybe throw a few CVs out, just in case)

nayisthereason 146 7h10m

Someone tell OP to jerk off BEFORE meeting with HR

benjidog1 90 7h23m

The key meeting with HR is to assert dominance. Walk into the meeting with a raging boner. Tell them to make it quick as you have a meeting soon in the men’s room.

csharpminor5th 5 8h53m

Post-nut clarity needed during that meat-ing

lost_my 6 7h41m
  • Hard worker seeking exciting new opportunities
Your_Space_Friend 3 7h22m

"Hmm im looking at your resume here but it looks like you dont have any work experience related to this job. What would you say qualifies you for it?"

"I wont jack off at work"

"... youre hired"

YippieKayYayMrFalcon 217 5h9m

It’s probably more of a severance deal at this point.

chummypuddle08 1023 S x 3 G 5h37m

Oh my god they're going to cut it off?

RazeSpear 68 6h1m

It's very rare that a Reddit comment does more than make me puff air out of my nose. Especially with such horrifying imagery. Take my silver (no gold I'm afraid).

ValvetThunder21 62 5h44m

Outstanding reply.

If I had any gold, I would give it to you.

r3ign_b3au 8 7h5m

Yo i heard that money can be exchanged for goods and services. Pitter patter

UselessGadget 25 6h16m

He'll need to erect a new plan.


I read this in Korg's voice. Amazing.

hellodavepack 3 7h17m

I don’t think I’ve every actually laughed out loud at something on reddit until today

BilgePoster 14 5h41m

Maybe something good will come with his release

Joetato 3 6h8m

I'd never have to work again! All paid holidays!

ninjacereal 3 8h14m

The key is to leave the bathroom stall unlocked, and send your director calendar invites to the stall you plan to be in.

Shoshke 1143 4h11m

This is a PSA for anyone with an unwanted boner:

Contract your lower abdominal muscles as hard as you can, within 30 seconds to 2 minutes your boner should go down.

Also jerking off to "get rid of your boner" is a nice way to make sure the boner is there to stay as your brain will basically know that once you have a boner it should keep it.

This is like people who have weird things that cause them to have an instant boner because it's connected to a sexual habit with an ex or current partner.

thundermuffin54 1170 S x 2 5h58m

Contract your lower abdominal muscles as hard as you can

Instructions unclear, shit pants and still have raging boner at work. Send help.

Lemon_Hound 403 S 6h13m

No that all checks out. I promise you no one is noticing your boner right now.

pipeblau 135 6h18m

We're sending the company director to help you

GenesisOfAlexandria 6 7h59m

Tell him to meet me outside the bathroom while I rub this one out alright?

SchuyWalker 50 6h32m

I laughed 4 different times reading this. Thank you for making my day you beautiful soul

dovahsevobrom 6 6h7m

Don't worry, calling 911

Notatumor1990 7 6h40m

Paramedic here.. I'm just gonna laugh at you.

dovahsevobrom 3 7h8m


indecisive_maybe 3 6h16m

Shell be there in a minute.

LakeVermilionDreams 153 4h54m


It took years for me to get over the fact that my aunt wears the same perfume as one of my favorite exes. Luckily it didn't cause any... embarrassments...

ITolerateCats 50 6h22m

Olfactory stimulation goes straight to your amygdala amirite

Gnuhouse 8 6h44m

Contracting any muscle will do. I flex my calves three or four times, 2-3 seconds each time, and that seems to do the trick. Great way to deal with morning wood

ninjaontour 7 6h41m

As an addition to this, if you get head rushes (cranial, not the type OP gets) when you stand up, flexing your abs will make it go away.

abominationz777 4 8h30m

For those who don't know, the thing with the whole "contract your lower abs" has its logic. I figured this out myself back in my runner days.

One gets a boner when there is constant blood flow to the dick. Reducing the blood flow to the dick will make the boner go away. So tightening your abs, or any other physical strain, will divert this blood flow away from your dick and to the strained body part instead.

This is like when you're running. Why do you never get a boner while running? Because blood is flowing everywhere else.

KraesTutorials 458 2h41m

What the actual fuck. who jerks off 2 twice a day at work?
I dont even jerk off once a day.

diehllane 198 3h35m

I jerk off twice a day at work. Unfortunately, neither time is me.

DuosTesticulosHabet 106 6h2m

Sounds like someone's getting a promotion soon

4oh4_not_found 53 6h26m

It sounds to me more like a raise is coming his way.


I'd say the raise already came, twice.

dannyg_9090 4 6h41m

It's hard work but if anyone can pull it off... They can.

forgotusernameoften 10 7h12m

Some weeks I definitely average above twice a day

HOLY_GOOF 3 8h16m

And I do it even less! Only half the day!

Entankled 3 9h26m

Yeah, I only jerk off for half the day

babygrenade 453 1h32m

If you need to get rid of an erection, try flexing your quads.

ProfessorDog_PhD 207 5h59m

What if that just turns him on?

SelectYes 83 6h14m

Then at least it'll make the process quicker. The less time spent jacking it, the less chance getting caught for it.

MrFolgers69420 89 6h11m

It takes 60 seconds of flexing any muscle for the blood flow to be diverted to that muscle—-> random music professor at college. Thanks for the tip I needed during middle school buddy.

baasacJak 3 7h28m

I call BS. Are you not flexing muscles during sex?

MrFolgers69420 16 7h39m

What’s a sex

xX420_WeedMan_420Xx 69 6h51m

Spread tha good word fellas, ya dick's got a cheat code

TheDutchMario 296 2m

Gg buddy, this must have been hard to post...

Keep us posted on your meeting

frigus_aeris 45 3h57m

Op problem just got out of hand.

capt_righthand 36 4m

just record it on your phone... ;)

[deleted] 8 49m

Yes update definitely needed.

Cfern231 269 4h3m

twice a day god damn

cardstoned 399 4h25m

Not just twice a day, but twice a day at work lmao

Cfern231 118 4h26m

Dude for real wth lol like not even before going and when you get home but in the work bathroom. Gross lol

JusticeRain5 37 5h40m

Those are rookie numbers, tho.

... Although christ, it's not that hard to not jerk off in public.

Amyjane1203 226 6m

Although I'm judging you really hard, I also cracked up. Can't wait for you to post an update!

SirDoDDo 13 6h54m

really hard

hehe ;)

freefarts 225 6h10m

I masturbate at work all the time! I’ll let you in on a little secret, the trick is to work from home!

anirudhchugh 93 7h29m

You had us in the first half not gonna lie

peepay 214 2h14m

I mean, isn't it anybody's own business what they do on the toilet? Why would they fire anyone over that? Sure, you forgot to lock your door, but it is more embarrasing, rather than illegal, IMHO. You were on the toilet. People are expected to have their private parts out on the toilet, that's no surprise (albeit with a locked door, but it is obvious you just forgot). If I was the boss, I would laugh it off and feel awkward when passing by you the following weeks, not involve the HR...

Gatesofvalhalla 232 3h30m

jerking it in paid hours? Having a shit is necessary thing, having a wank is more fun/pleasure and can be moved into your free time LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY does. Don't wank at work. Serious. Don't.

peepay 106 4h10m

I didn't say I do, I just, from a fundamental point of view, don't see much difference between this and e.g. a cigarette break. It is something not work-related you do between work. Nobody can expect you to be fully focused for full 8 hours. You need breaks. And if you spend them drinking coffee, stretching your legs and walking the corridor, or doing what OP did, what difference does it make time-wise?

Autumnesia 49 5h6m

Exactly, unless you mysteriously vanish for hours out of your day, this shouldn't be a problem. If no one noticed you being absent any longer than other employees, and you're not doing anything illegal, who cares what you're doing in the privacy of a toilet stall...

[deleted] 9 6h44m

What job do you work that allows cigarette breaks. All my jobs do not let you smoke on company time.

dustofdeath 32 4h33m

If others get the "smoking time" i get fap time instead.

carnoworky 33 5h38m

"Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I fap on company time"

blickblock1000 21 3h45m

You're not the boss of me

jadayne 144 3h23m

Jerking off was not the problem. The stapler up his butt was what set off the director.

drkirienko 33 3h50m

OP was told multiple times not to ake his boss's stapler!

ISeeTheFnords 14 5h10m

So THAT'S what happened to my red stapler!

peepay 10 5h25m

Now it is red, yes. (A short while before that, it was brown too.)

ghost_alliance 35 5h35m

My guess, aside from unprofessional behavior at work (even in the bathroom of all places), is that the cause of arousal is worrying. Was he watching porn on company time/ equipment? Thinking steamy thoughts about a coworker? A random passerby wouldn't know what's up. Plus, overall it's safe to say that most would consider jacking off at work to be extremely inappropriate. I don't blame the director for going to HR; from his perspective something very creepy could be afoot.

elegant_pun 25 5h10m

And yet, it's still inappropriate to masturbate at work, during work hours.

miflordelicata 198 5h11m

Actually you are probably fucked. Yes it’s no ones business what you do in the toilet but the fact is, it’s an inappropriate place to do it. I remember Sal on the Howard Stern show got caught. He almost got fired. Anyone else would have been except he worked on the Howard Stern show.

pm_me_sad_feelings 15 6h35m

What if he was in pain because he had to pee but his boner wouldn't go away? Seems like you could make this medical very easily.

elegant_pun 129 5h12m

Try job hunting in your now free time.

You're probably going to need it.

Not_ben_kone 53 8h27m

This. They don't just give you a week off paid with a HR meeting scheduled for your return unless they're sharpening the axe. Even if he doesn't get fired here, his career and reputation at that company are ruined. On the plus side, this guy is gonna be infamous. They'll tell all the new hires about the bathroom jerker for years to cum.

[deleted] 7 11h9m

That last sentence is why this post is so amazing. He just provided an entire organization of people with a fantastic joke for cocktail parties.

DangerZoneSLA 16 7h8m

He’s going to be busy jerking off.

DannieJ312 125 6h8m

Assuming your work days are 8 hours, if you can’t even get through that, you may have a problem. Feeling the need vs literally having to do it is a big difference. Now I’m no dude, but I do have a husband and I know darn well it can go away without doing anything and I mean he doesn’t even have to take care of it himself. We’re in bed watching tv and suddenly he wants it. Sometimes really bad. I’m not in the mood, or can’t for obvious reasons. He can continue to watch tv and it just go away. If yours literally won’t go away without doing something about it, I’d go see a doctor. Maybe you really do have a medical issue.

deadsoulinside 29 8h2m

Maybe that is the trick OP could deploy here. Quickly see a psych doc and get some form of documentation written up for a sexual addiction, then play the disability angle with HR, so they would be border-line on firing someone with a mental/medical issue.

Cause damn, I don't know of anyone who has had that type of issue where they get hard and immediately have to go spank it as a result. From the sounds of it, he has mentally conditioned his brain that his one eyed pal needs petted every time it stands at attention for so long, it does not know what to do when it does not get petted when he ignores it.

OP's trouser snake after 5 minutes of him not touching himself

ciano 20 7h34m

Scratch that "may", this dude has a straight up big problem.

TJsmash 3 8h12m

This shit ain't norma

faissaloo 13 8h22m

I'm pretty sure OP just never taught his penis what 'no' means.

LordNav 6 9h8m

Yeah, his is a feeling I've never really related with. I masturbate a healthy amount (maybe an unhealthy amount) but I've never popped a boner and gone crap, now I gotta jack it. Like, I just put up with it, and it goes away before long.

_RainMaker 3 8h24m

Maybe OP is bored at work & it passes the time lol

cry0plasma 111 5h22m

You jack off TWICE A DAY at work? What the actual fuck is wrong with you, dude? Jesus christ!

flowersweetz 109 2h23m

I’m sorry but this sounds really weird man. Why do you need to jack off twice a day AT WORK just to function?? Go see a doctor about that! It’s gross and gives me creepy sex offender vibes.

zigzagman1031 103 6h8m

The most important thing to remember about HR is that they are definitely trying to find grounds to fire you.

Whatever story you decide to go with, absolutely do not admit you were doing anything wrong.

Liitke 73 9h55m

Seriously. I'd deny it.

I was taking a piss and cleaning up.

"But you were erect"

So you walked in on me and looked at my genitals. I feel so violated, this is disgusting.

"But well uh no.. you... I'm sure... Uh"

I can't believe this. Why am I being interogated about my penis in the work place when I was using the rest room??!

myk3h0nch0 29 10h9m

“I felt a lump when urinating and was checking myself for cancer. What does this company frown upon testicular cancer checks in the safety of a bathroom stall?

And furthermore, I question the locking mechanism on that bathroom door.”

[deleted] 11 11h10m

Yep. MAJOR lawsuit liability here. They can’t do anything to him.

averagejoegreen 93 5h29m

Twice a day?! What in the world is the matter with you??? Are you a child that simultaneously has absolutely no self control?!?

slprypete777 37 6h53m

Well he did say something along the lines of doing it so he doesn't sexually assault someone. Which is pretty disturbing. So yeah I'm assuming OP has very little self control.

shirpaderp 20 8h15m

I'm not defending jerking off on the clock, but to be fair I think you totally misunderstood his sexual assault line. He said he was worried that he would get accused of sexual assault for walking around with a boner, not worried the boner would make him go assault someone.

bklynsnow 93 5h32m

Yeah, that's not normal behavior.
You shouldn't need to whack it twice a day at work because of erotic thoughts.

Shouldbeworking22 6 6h40m

What if OP works at a strip club?

Pannycakes666 89 4h41m

A paid week off for jerking it? Where can I send my resume?

EarthVSFlyingSaucers 4 8h45m

I’m jerking off just to the thought of this. Everyone in this thread is now jerking off.

SpicyComment 71 5h52m

If someone in my office is missing for a week, I’ll know what happen. I have my eyes on you OP

TheNamesClove 3 8h43m

Username checks out.

capt_righthand 69 3m

hahaha... paid to jerk at home then? ;)

i also did multiple occasions of jerking on the company toilets. but one of my ground rules is to try and open the toilet door myself after closing it and before jerking off. That way i'm more than certain no one gets in... oh, and try to keep the noises of wanking to a minimum ;)

Kingroffy 31 8m

I normally do the same man, I don’t know what I was thinking.

capt_righthand 44 12m

apparently you weren't thinking with the right head ;)

alopeadope 30 4h2m

You don’t need to update us Wednesday. There’s 0% possibility that you still have a job. Might as well start looking for a new job now.

[deleted] 5 8h11m

Honestly I don’t know how he’s even going to that meeting. I’d be so fucking embarrassed that I would never even come close to showing my face around there again.

jacobxv 63 24m

Runkle is that you?

Zaptagious 22 5h37m

Coincidentally "Runk" is the Swedish word for "Wank", "Runka" being the verb

lrerayray 5 6h29m

THANK YOU for reminding me one of my favorite shows lol.

Zauberer-IMDB 3 7h0m


Diablo165 61 5h5m

Yea...you're fired AF. I wonder what sort of implications this will have on future work opportunities.

deadsoulinside 5 8h7m

Depending on place of employment and how public that restroom is, it could really be a bigger issue honestly.

SackBoys 60 5h43m

Jacking off twice a day at work from uncontrollable boners is not healthy or normal. Like wtf, see a doctor.

dmtbassist 54 1h31m

Flex every muscle you have. It will go away.

frothy4655 52 37m

Whenever that happens try and flex a muscle. Any muscle. That should redirect the blood away.

nephiiiii 149 6h19m

wierd flex but okay

IceFire909 3 9h1m

flexes ears

Cr4zychris 50 3h35m

In the UK a bathroom counts as a public place. As such it is technically illegal to perform a sexual act although you were in privacy so idk. Either way, thanks for sharing I definitely cracked up reading this

CaptainLollygag 45 6h43m

Dude, you didn't fuck up by getting caught, you fucked up by choking the chicken at work. Don't do that.

Diegobyte 38 5h43m

Just tuck it up into your belt like the rest of us champ.

ChavezSoNasty 11 7h13m

Almost blew a load into my belly button once.

DarthKaspa 3 7h28m

Superbad taught me a life lesson.

BlueCrew3434 3 7h46m

I still don’t see how that’s possible or not painful.

Steinberg1 37 6h45m

You do this TWICE A DAY and still forgot to lock the washroom door?? You should probably work harder on getting control of those urges. Sounds like it's already lead to you losing a job

odyssee14 35 1h19m

PRO TIP: When you get a boner in an inappropriate situation try to relax your muscles around that area. It works like a charm for me.

Filthy_Shrimp 121 1h56m

so basically shit your pants?

NoctilucentSkies 6 8h15m

You can relax your pelvic floor without pooping. If not, you need to work on something.

nightwica 4 8h35m

Are you flexing/clenching your ass muscles all day long because otherwise you would shit your pants?

Smuff23 23 4h29m

The other ProTip is to flex your thigh muscles really hard over and over and it’ll help shift the blood flow away from the bidness.

Daleilama 10 5h25m

Another tip: Physical workout/Sports can positively affect your control over your body. Including your privates

Logi_Ca1 6 4h54m

For me, holding my breath helps. Might want to go that a go OP.

[deleted] 32 5h54m

I'm sorry, but how old are you? 2 faps a day regularly sounds like a lot for a grown man, it sounds like you might be addicted...

[deleted] 31 5h38m

Maybe you have a sex addiction or are just immature as hell. Twice a day in public toilets.. ouch.

Korashy 31 5h52m

Didnt even flag NSFW. Have you learned anything?

__ideal_ 5 6h16m

Pretty sure the title gives it away. Those 4 letters make no difference here.

Korashy 8 6h23m

It's a joke :P

IceFire909 3 9h6m

Fun fact. Jerking off with the door open at work is not safe for work

AlexHowe24 30 5h53m

All seriousness, you might be able to get away with a warning if you provide evidence that you're seeking treatment options for what may very well be sex addiction. It's a long shot and could backfire but I think that's your best bet - if you're showing that it's an actual medical issue and you're actively working on a solution then you could keep your job.

imapilotaz 18 6h10m

This is very good advice. Most companies have policies in place where you can not be terminated for addictions if you are seeking help. I would IMMEDIATELY... RIGHT NOW... call someone and get started on a sex addiction therapy. They can provide you with documentation for HR.

Granted ive seen in employee handbooks for drug and alcohol treatment, so i would assume it would extend to sexual addiction treatment,

Either way, if you have the urge to masterbate in public, thats a condition you need treated.

AlexHowe24 6 6h12m

It's not a catch all and there's still some major liability on OP's part but as far as I'm concerned it's his best option. Even if it doesn't save his job, it's treatment that he probably needs.

TheShadowMan123 25 6h16m

You fucking jerk off twice a day at work? Fucking hell mate

carloscee 23 6h29m

"Was trying to get that last bit of wee out. I swear, guvnuh."

EarthVSFlyingSaucers 3 8h48m

“She’s really up there! Grab Marcie from accounting to give me a hand with this!”

captain_chimerica 19 8h5m

Your job could be oiling up supermodels and you still shouldn't need to jerk off at work every day.

Jaerba 18 5h47m

You realize the fuck up wasn't just forgetting to lock the stall and getting caught, right?

frontpageonce 17 6h7m

Only twice? You gotta pump those numbers up....those are rookie numbers

SmittyManJensen_ 16 50m

No need to update us, bud. I’d start looking for a new job lol.

[deleted] 16 4h33m

Had a gut get busted jerking it in the coal mine I worked at. They tried to fire him but the union went to bat for him and he kept his job. Whatever you do on your lunch hour/ break is your business.

lipslikemorphinee 15 4d6h42m

What idiot sent him threats?!? We needed a update ffs

Idiot_Savant_Tinker 12 6h45m

Remember, if someone walks in on you while you're beating off, and you stop, you're the one who was caught.

If you keep going, they're the one who watched.

Stoic_Stranger 12 7h36m

You should have stared right into their eyes and kept jacking it. It's important to establish dominance.

prehensile_uvula 5 9h24m

Now things are gonna be trickier if he wants to try that. The only way to establish dominance at this point is to sneak into his boss’s house so that his boss walks in on him jerkin’ it in his bathroom. If proper eye contact is maintained his boss will be too intimidated to have him fired and will call off HR.

Anti_Loli_Cop 11 1h13m

I’m interested to see how much worse it can get.

Lampadati 11 6h7m

A coworker recently told me of his wife's workplace where there were complaints of an individual habitually masturbating in the shared washrooms. They ended up giving him his own washroom.

Best of luck.

CancerousCyberman 10 6h54m

Man wtf? Control yourself, it's what we all do lol.

SirGuido 10 8h21m

I mean, unless he saw you furiously beating it, tell him that you had pain and was checking yourself out of fear of cancer or something. They can't prove you didn't have pain, and pain can and does cause erections. If you ask me, they dont have a leg to stand on, and you have three.

RiKoNnEcT 9 5h50m

Careful with those "take the week off"

They can be just trying to make you not go to work and then say you didn't show up and have a reason to fire you legally.

Cichlidsaremyjam 8 6h6m

I think this is a good week to make sure your resume is in order. Even if they don't fire you (I honestly don't know what the policy on something like this is) it's going to be a very uncomfortable situation at work.

GalacticFreebooter 8 6h56m

Dude if you have to jerk off two times a day at work you may have a problem.

Quantum_Helix 7 5h45m

You might want to take the rest of the week and brush up the ole' LinkedIn my friend

dwchasemd 7 5h57m

Next up: Company director post: TIFU by going to the bathroom at work

SirHeathcliff 7 6h40m

Fun life pro tip: if you ever get an unwanted boner, flex as many muscles as you can as hard as you can and as long as you can. This will take the blood from your dick into your muscles.

mmutk 7 2d22h20m

Personal threats to your inbox?! What the hell

Supersymm3try 6 23h13m

I masturbate at work all the time.

The trick is to wait for the kids to leave the classroom for recess.

friskybobcat 6 2d3h58m

awww man can someone please PM it, missed it before the edit :(

cherry_pie_83 6 3d1h31m

So.....no update then?

rhino4231 6 3d2h49m

Any update?

DoubleDigitTicket 6 10d17h31m

Just showed up on my news. I guess he got shit canned. Sounds like he didnt try very hard, to get off. Using an unaccredited Dr., doing the dirty with people in the washroom and an awkward warning from management.


I seriously doubt that this is the first time that someones been fired for masterbating in an employee washroom in Canada. Never mind masterbating in public washrooms.

In conclusion, dont masterbate at work, in public or around people separated by one or more stalls.

Necro138 5 6h28m

Man, I'd love to be at your next job interview.

"So, why did you leave your last job?"

"We, things there were hard, so I thought I'd take a shot and pursue new opportunities..."

armh1313 5 6h45m

Sounds like you need a healthier way to deal with your sexual urges. Cause jacking it at work is no way to do it. This is the kind of thing where, since it's a daily occurrence, it's only a matter of time until you fuck up with it.

infectedsense 5 6h56m

This seems like a classic case of conditioning. Your dick knows when it gets hard you will reward it with an orgasm even if you're at work. Solution: next time you get a boner at work, punch yourself in the junk as hard as you can. Negative reinforcement works!

Seriously though, I am not a penis owner but having to jack off twice a day sounds excessive, maybe see a doctor because it's clearly interfering with your ability to lead a normal life.

PigsAndCats 5 6h57m

Dear diary,

It's been 36 hours since I got fired from my job for jerking off and now everyone knows that now I'm home with no job I've been jerking off the entire time.

KnowHope24 5 6h57m

Went from a hand job to no job.

natedeezy_3 5 7h54m

How do you mask the sound when you do it? I’m sure someone could hear you if they just walked in. The jerking off sound can be noticeable sometimes

JTD783 5 12h57m

“You gotta bump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers. I jerk off at least twice a day.”

In all seriousness, deny everything. Gaslight them if you need to. Say you weren’t jerking it and make your coworker look like the crazy one if they say you were jerking in the bathroom. What’s their proof?

Bigarette 4 7h13m

Record the meeting w HR

Alyscupcakes 4 7h54m

Did you get the notice to take time off work with pay IN WRITING ??

If not, you should keep showing up at work, because they could use you not showing up at work, as a reason to fire you.

Seriously would they prefer you walking around the office with a boner?

stacy_n_dc_28 4 7h55m

this channel needs to hire some better writers. the writing has gotten so stale and formulaic i feel like i'm watching network tv.

MushroomBalls 4 9h33m

Two times a day is necessary? That's definitely not normal. Boners shouldn't last long if you don't stimulate them, if it literally doesn't go away you need to see a doctor.

PapaLRodz 4 4d6h30m

Does that mean no follow up next week?

Midnight_Drizzle 3 5h56m

Why don't you just do some squats or some leg exercises, the blood normally rushes somewhere else and you'll go limp.

Bizrat7 3 6h3m

It would be time for me to find a new job even if they decided not to fire me.

yesiwantfood 3 6h27m

Leave some libido for the rest of us, shit. TIL i have the sex drive of an 80 year old man at 27

[deleted] 3 6h31m

..suspended with pay for the rest of the week.

I see this as an absolute win.

ckiertz4887 3 6h44m

But did you finish...

Tonychosen1 3 7h6m

Did you at least shake directors hand before leaving for the rest of the week?

Grenthblood 3 7h16m

Just claim that you have crippling boneitis.

pooponagoose 3 7h18m

You should’ve established dominance. Maintain eye contact and kept fapping. Then your post would’ve been “TIFU...or so I thought until my boss gave me his position”

oannes 3 7h45m

The real question is, did you finish?

sc00bs000 3 7h56m

ive been in the toilet before and can clearly see the shadows of oldmate in the cubicle next to me punishing his dick like it stole some money.

was pretty hard to finish my own wank after that.. but i managed

the_one_jt 3 8h0m

Oh you are fired.

skesisfunk 3 8h39m

Everyone in here giving dude advice on how to get rid of boners or not jerk it. The lesson here is if you wack it public bathrooms make sure the fucking door is locked!!!

VictoriaBerg 3 9h6m

You lost me at twice a day.

JustRekk 3 9h11m

Immediatley schedule an appointment with a therapist regarding sex addiction. They can't ask how long you've been seeing a doctor.

Conmarp 3 9h11m

Bet that worked to get rid of your raging boner

Shellynna 3 9h15m

I'm in HR. First of all, I fucking hate you because that would be the most uncomfortable of things I've had to sit through, and I've sat through some uncomfortable HR conversations before.

Second, your best bet is to just find a new job. Even if they can't justify firing you for this, they WILL find another reason to let you go. I can almost guarantee that.

Third, you might want to seek some medical advice to hopefully get the urges in check. It's getting to the point of interfering in your day to day and your ability to function at work.

Best of luck, dude. A lot of places have defamation protections that will not allow people to discuss reasons for termination in reference checks. For instance, we only verify dates of employment and titles so we are not liable for any lawsuits. You might want to check into that.

santa_raindear 3 9h19m

Twice a day? Those are rookie numbers.

DctrBanner 3 9h20m

So he opened an occupied stall and now you're in trouble?

Pudding_Whoopsie 3 9h26m

Sounds like a medical necessity. Get a doctors note.

Juan_jt 3 9h57m

Just deny deny deny. And by the way why is he talking about my penis. Why is he opening my bathroom door while im in there and then going around saying what he saw. Sounds like a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. You can always say that. Lol

ChrisWood4BallonDor 3 10h30m

Plot twist: OP works in the porn industry and his boss wants to give him a promotion

deceasedwithin 3 10h38m

If I were you, id totally lie my ass off! Say something so ridiculous that they just end up believing you because it would be too crazy to make up. For instance, you popped a couple Viagra the night before as you were having an epic sex sesh. But the next morning, no matter what you did, the boner would just not go down. So every time you had to pee it became an epic battle of keeping your cock aimed at the toilet due to the unrelenting erection you had, which would explain why you looked so "into" it in the bathroom.

To top it off make it seem as if you were about to go to the hospital but out of complete fear of embarrassment, you were afraid to tell your boss the situation, and you tried your best to just make it through the workday until you could go to a walk-in clinic that night. Express gratitude that they unwittingly helped you by letting you leave early so you could seek treatment immediately. Also explain that the week off was a great idea because it gives you time to recover from this traumatic experience!

Edit: of course now when i go back and read all the comments similar ideas have already been mentioned. Funny alot of us think alike! lol

One last edit: you might want to look into why you find it necessary to jerk off not once but fucking twice a day at work. Most people literally never do that at work let alone twice a day. Sorry to say but you probably are actually a creepy pervert

miflordelicata 3 12h21m

He might be....the Howard thing was a few years ago and they bring it up how HR got involved and they were close to firing him. I know with the current climate out there, most businesses would be quick to let someone caught doing this go. Some may not like what I am saying but where I am you’d be gone.
And I know the quick thing for anyone not agreeing with me is to downvote but from a business standpoint an employer who has both male and female employees will cut bait, It shows lack of judgement. And if it gets out that a manager knew this happened and another employee of either gender is uncomfortable with it, the company becomes liable. And I hear the arguments on what you do in privacy, etc. The normal expectation of a person walking into a bathroom is to expect someone might be shitting or pissing in there. There is not a normal expectation that someone is jerking off.

seagalthrasher 3 13h14m

When I was younger I used to drop a deuce and then jack off.after that I would wipe my bum and be off.best way to poop imo