Halal Hooters Closes Down

Written by: Hamzah Moin

DEARBORN – In what was probably the most controversial restaurant in the United States, Dearborn’s sole Hooters location that served Halal food shut down last week. Owner Ismail Karimi felt saddened by the closure. “Why didn’t Muslims support us? I mean we served Halal food and replaced the entire menu with shawarmas and biryani. People obviously come to Hooters for the food, right?”

Karimi’s Hooters location was subject to a number of controversies. When Karimi took over ownership he vowed to break into the lucrative Muslim demographic by catering to their tastes. When Karimi learned that the food wasn’t the main factor to luring Muslims, he took other drastic measures. “We took out the controversial pop music today and replaced it with Sami Yusuf and Native Deen which played non-stop.” This too was a failure to bring in the Muslim demographic.

Karimi quickly learned that Muslims avoided Hooters due to the scantily clad dressing style of the waitresses. Overnight he fired and replaced all the female waitresses with men. Unfortunately, business plummeted further because he forced the men to adhere to the exact same dress code as the women. “I’m a firm believer of equality and if women are wearing those bright orange short-shorts and tank tops then the men should too. Also it was cheaper to keep all the uniforms.”

Long time customer Frank Frankfurt was dismayed by the sudden changes. “I lost my appetite for a week after seeing a huge hairy Arab waiter serve me in shorts that should never be worn like that.”

Later, Karimi quickly changed the dress code again and forced all the waiters to wear thobes underneath the Hooters uniform. “I’ve never received any tips” complained waiter Tareq Ali. “Although on the plus side I got a lot of cat calls.”

The last feature that Karimi added was a huge success however. “Adding in sheesha and hookah bars while serving sub-quality food for some reason was the perfect combination of bringing in Muslim youth” explained Karimi. “Not only did all my customers make the obligatory smoke-in-the-face-while-taking-a-Facebook-profile picture, but they started bringing in their insecure friends who feel that smoking sheesha is a ‘bad-ass’ thing to do so I was booming.”

Unfortunately by then the location had lost too much money and was slated for closure. Karimi has already stated his next plan: “That casino down the street needs to start serving Halal food too…”