(Part Two of Three) >--- Mike: Ah, I see the author tried to sew the holes in the plot shut... Tom: When Dashes Attack, tonight on Non-Stop Fox! Crow: The best part was when the dashes attacked! >"You want me to wear this rag?" screamed Asuka pointing at >the pink kimono emblazoned with a turquoise seascape. Tom: Did I mention I hate Asuka yet? Well, I do. Crow: Wow, not only does this fic have no plot, it doesn't have a sense of color either... Mike: Speaking of rags, anyone get the feeling that Asuka's been on it for a while? Crow: Give her a mallet and a short black wig, and we might have the remake to "The Bitter End"... Tom: Hey, don't steal Greg Sharp's shitck! >"Yes, you spoiled brat", retorted Misato. "That 'rag' as you >put it, with accessories cost more than a year's pay for >someone in my pay grade. Mike: Poor thing. You should've got Met. It pays. Tom: Well then somebody needs to learn how to handle their money better I guess... Crow: Good to know that NURV can just hemorrhage money and not care a whit. Tom: What, doesn't Tokyo-3 Have a Walmart they can shop at to save money? Crow: Or a special NURV "Don't ask, we won't shoot" discount policy... >I suggest that you respect it as a museum piece and not as >a dust mop. Mike: Do the floor, don't do the floor... make up your mind! Tom: And what Musuem would display something that tacky? Crow: The Vegas Shotgun Wedding Musuem... Tom: I'm giving you exactly one minute to get that clean kimono and get your ass in it! All : I'm gettin' drunk, with or without you! >This one will be worn on occasions as dictated, and stored >on a special hanger. Crow: What is this? Kindergarden? Mike: This special hanger right here... It slices, it dices...And it even chops cabbage! Tom: Does anyone else have the mental picture of Shinji laughing his ass off in the corner like Muttley? Crow: Shinji, Gendo, and the entire cast of Eva... >Teachers will assist you in wearing and maintaining this >and the other garments. Crow: Isn't that right, Happosai-sensei? Mike: Hotcha! Let me assist you with those panties! Tom: This your dad or something, Misato? >Asuka noticed the gold thread, and the exquisite detailing >woven into the garment. "OK, well it's pretty, but I don't >have to like it." Tom: I'm trained to hate everything. Every time I saw something I liked, I jabbed myself with a cattle prod till the feeling went away.... Crow: Be glad I don't make you wear a paper bag, princess. >"There is a more simple one here for daily wear." Misato >pointed to the colors of green, blue, black, tan and yellow. Crow: The hell? I didn't know Japan made plaid kimonos. Tom: But since we're out to make a humilate you, you can only wear the polka dot and mauve colored ones! BWHAHAHAHA!! Mike: This is the kimono you'll be wearing for wash day. I have another one for cooking, and also for cleaning Shinji's floor with your tongue... Tom: And this kimono must never be worn. Crow: Just... reeee-member that you're standing on a planet that's evolving, and revolving at nine hundred miles an hour... >You will be attired in one when you are not in school and >living in this apartment." Mike: Then you will stand still and blush deeply while I invite my friends to come over to point and laugh heartily at your expense! Crow: Oh, and you're supposed to wear it in the EVA unit as well. Have to fight angels in high style! Tom: Next thing you know, Misato's gonna give Shinji some hakama pants and a bokken. Crow: We've secretly replaced Misato with Nodoka Saotome. Let's see if anyone notices. >"Are all these for me?" moaned Asuka. Tom: Can I... try them on... sssssslowly....? Crow: Nonsense, only the bags for you...The rest are for our special little girl... Shinji! Mike: *gulp* >--- Mike: Three Lines. Two Rapper Wannabes. One House. The House Party of Ikari. Coming soon to a theater near you! Crow: Now it's up to the women of the house to please the men of the house! Tom: From one unappealing scene to the next, in a wild existential ride to the dark side of the moon... >The group sat kneeling style around a traditional Japanese >table. Their instructor went through the motions of the >Japanese tea ceremony. Crow: First, add brandy. Then drop the tea leaves in. Next add more brandy. Make sure the next shot of brandy is warm, and add that too. Finally, top it off with some brandy. Mike: Be careful with those plastic cups, I have to get them back to my little girl by dinnertime! >Asuka and Rei, traditionally dressed were at each side of >Shinji. Misato was also traditionally attired; their >instructor patiently and meticulously guided each movement. Crow: While an angel wreaked havoc through the REST of Tokyo-3. Tom: [singing] You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out. You put your right hand in and you shake the tea all about. Mike: Yep, THIS is just what this fanfic needed: EXTREME... Tea Service Instruction! Crow: Wow, just when I thought this fic couldn't get any more boring. Now all they need to do is having a redecorating Misato's apartement scene and this will exceed the sleeping power of Nyquil. >"Who does this crap anymore anyway," complained Asuka. Crow: Bite me, I'm bitter. Tom: Finally! Someone with the GUTS to stand up to the fanfic! Mike: But if you refuse to learn, who will hide behind the panel to give Jean-Luc his tea, Earl Grey, hot? >The instructor paused, "The ability to create beauty and >elegance from simple forms never will go away," Tom: Okay, Dalai Lama, you can go BACK TO TIBET now... Mike: The legend will never die... Crow: Where's the #%%@ mute button. Tom: Meanwhile, Misato has a look of glee as she spikes the tea with Yebisu... Crow: Next an expert in combing his hair. Mike: Genma Saotome? >If I can teach you how to do this, you will develop the >inner beauty that will enable you love yourself, and >others to love you." Crow: So why is Gendo paying these dopes anyway? Doesn't seem like there's any Angels to fight. Tom: Well due to the high cost of kimono's cut backs had to be made somewhere.... Mike: They had to sell off Melchior to a dot-com. Crow: I think if we hurry we can make a bid for Adam on Ebay... >"Miyako is one of the last remaining Geisha," explained >Misato. She is an official treasure of Tokyo-3. Tom: Geisha aren't a species of wild animal. That's like saying, "This is the last existing garbage man." Crow: We keep a copy of her in the vaults... and there's also one on file in the national archives. Mike: She's worth 100 points if you touch her. >"I don't take direction from a whore!" blurted out Asuka. Mike: And wow, it looks like Miyako is going to get a chance to humilate Asuka...Who would of thunk it!? Crow: Asuka graduated college and is fluent in Japanese. I think she'd know what a geisha is. Tom: You never see me asking Missy Hyatte for directions! >"A common mistake. I have trained in many disciplines, >music both Japanese and Western, painting, board games, >cards, conversation in 7 languages and dance, as well as the >arts of love. Mike: I can also hustle pool, run for the Diet, and commit contract kills. Need someone dead? Tom: Could you start with SEELE and work your way down from there? >A present sponsor has requested I learn golf so he will have >a golf partner. I am presently shooting in the mid '70's." Mike: After winning seventy-five Majors, Tiger Woods opts for the quiet life... Tom: So if I sponsored her, and wanted her to learn how to get hit by a truck, does that mean she'd do it? Crow: I can beat DJ Croft in chess and can drink Tom Dyron under the table.... did I also mention that I'm not a dragon? Tom: I thought you said you knew board GAMES, not board SHORTS. >"Shall we continue?" Mike: Waste another quarter for *this*? Tom: Nah, let's Quit and Start a New Fanfic. >Weeks later, the tea ceremony occurred again under the >watchful eye of Miyako. The cleaning of the apartment, the >dressing in the best clothes, the ceremonial washing of the >steps, all met with her nod. Crow: This reads like a MiB's report, only less interesting. Mike: I'm hoping it's gonna read like a police murder investigation pretty soon. Tom: Wow, it's a good thing those darned Angels decided to quit attacking us, innit? Crow: But you can still catch the Angels on an off-Broadway production of Grease! Mike: I've gotten more plot development out of coloring books. >The smooth, deliberate actions of the water, bowl, tea, >whisk, rotation of the bowls and sharing of the tea all met >with her approval. At the end of the ceremony she was >sobbing. Tom: From multiple contusions caused by thrown tea cups and a beating over the head with the whisk. Mike: That's not a geisha! It's Soun Tendo in drag. Crow: D-dear god, this fic is DULL! Kill me now! Tom: Wow, it's nice to see after all the abuse and self- esteem crushing activites done earlier in this fic things still turn out okay... >"Thank you for allowing this, " she murmured through her >tears. "Excellent, quite excellent." Crow: Cry and the world cries with you... get humiliated and learn that those tears are just outright guffawing. Tom: And I just hate to tell you... look there in the plant, there's a secret camera... You're on TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes, Asuka! Mike AHHHHHH! Darn you, Dick Clark!! >"It has been too long since I have seen this done >properly." Mike: Well that doesn't say much for your teaching abilites now, does it? Crow: Where's Andrew Huang when I REALLY need him? >It was several minutes, before anyone spoke. >"Misato-san?" asked Rei. "Can she continued to teach us?" Tom: Yeah, cannot she? Crow: She'd better, you still need it. Mike: You see, NURV is really positioning itself well for when it's not needed to address the Angels anymore. Running an escort and geisha service should bring in big bucks for Gendo. >"I suppose so, it depends on your ability to continue to >operate as a unit." >"What would you like to learn, Rei?" Mike: How about the DEFs? I've had my fill of the ABCs. Crow: How to make 7-Up yours! Tom: Ooh, teach us the proper way to stand outside the Geo-front and shout "Service, service, service! >"Dance." >"And you Asuka?" >"Love." A pink flush started coming to her cheeks. Tom: Teach me the Chicken Dance! Failing that, teach me the Cabbage Patch or the Ickey Shuffle! Crow: Ah ha, but you can not hope to defeat me, for I am Dance Dance Miyako! Mike: Sadly Rei could never make it past the first stage of DDR, since she usually just stood there on the pad doing nothing... >Misato blanched. >"I don't think that's appropriate for a girl your age," >Misato began. Mike: Now after you finished deep-frying Misato to add some flavor to her, set her aside for a few minutes before you finish frying... Crow: Rue McClanahan IS Misato Katsuragi IN Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Golden Girls! >"We could always simply start with strengthening exercises, >such as the Keagel," interjected Miyako. Crow: That's a little advanced for us, why not start with the Urkel? >"What's that?" Misato inquired. >"The act of stopping the flow of urine," Miyako replied. Tom: Get the diapers, this might be messy. Crow: Ewww, I instantly need counseling. Mike: Well, this fic certainly has gone to the toilet... Crow: You kidding? It's pouring out the storm drain about now. >"It strengthens the pelvic muscles in both men and women >and improves sexual response." Crow: It's also useful for extended truck driving and police stakeouts! Mike: Or Fushigi Yuugi marathons. Crow: Natch. Tom: I myself haven't gone to the bathroom since 1973. Mike: You know, that explains a LOT. >"The art of love begins up here, tapping on her temple. >One's partner must feel both loved and confident, relaxed, >full of joy and must be welcomed into one's self." Tom: Now we're reading a self-help transcript. What's next?!? Crow: At least that's what I tell them before I tie them up and get out my *special* tools. Mike: I think we're getting ready for an exciting family counseling scene! >"After this occurs, the act can be considered pure." Crow: Pure quality 100% BS! Now available with extra lies! Mike: Miyako is pure as the driven snow, teaching 14 year olds her trade of whorin' >Geisha do not marry, although I would highly recommend the >framework of marriage to any sexual relationship to permit >the roper care and nurturing of children. Tom: Five to one she makes 'em drink laced Kool-Aid later in the fic Mike: Did Dr. Ruth pen this fic? Crow: Gee, having a family reduced to the level of growing tulip bulbs. >"Children?" said Asuka, "No way!" >"Children will result from sexual intercourse, it is the >way of things." replied Miyako. Tom: Guess someone tore the word 'contraception' out of Miyako's dictionary. Crow: But what about birth contro.... Tom: EEEEEEEVIL!!! GREAT GREAT EEEEEEVILLLL!! Crow: Uhhh, never mind. Mike: But don't worry, Kids can fetch upwards to 500,000 yen on the open market >"If the consequences cannot be considered acceptable, it is >best to refrain from such things. May I suggest simply the >strengthening exercises for now," and I would suggest an >alternate means of continuing life - cooking. Mike: Excuse me, but how does cooking continue life? I mean it tends to finish of those dead planets and animals really good... Crow: And what about the whole C-Ko thing? Mike: I stand corrected >Which style? German, Japanese traditional, Italian, Chinese, >Vegetarian variations?" Tom: Instant ramen. Crow: And when you're better, we'll arrange a battle with Chen Kenichi... Mike: I'm NOT going to become Iron Chef Evangelion! >"Japanese traditional," Rei spoke first. >"Deutsche," spoke Asuka. >"Microwave," said Misato. >"No thanks, I do too much cooking already", commented >Shinji. Tom: "Waffles" warked PenPen Crow: I'm NOT going to become Iron Chef Evangelion either! Mike: But Kaworu is already Iron Chef Angel.... Tom: Then I'm game, if you smell what I'm cooking! >"I understand that you play the cello, Shinji-sama," Miyako >commented. "May I assist you in improvement, I am an >accomplished violist, and guitar player." Crow: 'Cause there's always room for cello! Tom: I was also a roadie for the Boston Pops and Slayer. Mike: Did I mention that I can do everything? And I'm not a dragon. >Miyako noticed a barely perceptible bow from Rei and ever >so gently returned the bow. Tom: No, I was just checking out your shoes. Very tacky. Mike: Suddenly, Rei assumed the crane stance and knocked Miyako's teeth into her throat, securing her victory as the Valley High Under 18 Champion. >"Thank you, I would like to continue my music studies," >Shinji answered. Mike: This biography on the New Kids on the Block is fascinating! Tom: I swear I'll do Lucy in the Sky better than William Shatner this time >"I have agreed to accept Misato-san as a client, I will >arrange the times for your lessons." >"Misato-san, may I see Rei-san privately?" Misato shrugged, >"Sure." Crow: Hell, you can see her behind my back for all I care! Mike: Brilliant. Put the paragraph breaks in the middle of a single character's dialogue and mash together other characters' dialogues. >"Please accompany me, Rei-san." >Rei did not move. "Go ahead, Rei," said Shinji. >"Domo, Ikari-sama," said Miyako with a gentle bow. Tom: Geez, Rei, when did you get so whipped? Crow: Shut up! I'm just following my orders and doing my duty! Tom: I don't respect women, they're just toys to me... Mike: First Rei and now Miyako? Bad fic, bad baa-aa-aad fic! >"Misato-san is our guardian, Ikari-sama's guardian. She will >be adequate while we walk," remarked Rei as the classically >dressed ladies moved through the quiet streets creating a >small buzz, however no one approached them. Crow: Why not? I'd approach ANY woman in a toga! Tom: ahh.. the Hash Bash migrated to Tokyo-3... Mike: Hey prop guy! We need more bees here! Crow: One more McKeever, coming up! >"I perceive a bond between you and he that is forged in >fire and blood." stated Miyako. "What is he to you?" Tom: A source of never-ending ice cream! Crow: I'm half his mom, half angel. We're a wacky couple! >"He is my life, my lord, my master. I owe him my being and >my life." Tom: He is my rock... He is my iiiiiiiiisland! Crow: He also taught me the benefits of training underwater and hanging out in topless bars. Mike: Gee, I hope I did Shinji justice there... maybe I should add how my thoughts constantly involve him in every way possible.... >"I perceived this only from the study of history, I am aware >that only a few female samurai ever existed. Mike: Actually, I'm lying. I only know one, Jiyu Nanohana. Crow: And after meeting Tatewaki Kuno, I think we all know why. Tom: Hey, what am I? Chopped liver!!! >"There is seldom anything truly new," said Rei. Crow: Now THAT'S what I call a cryptic quote. Tom: I mean, look at the FFML! Mike: I'd rather not...I mean I do have standards.... >"What about the other girls?" >"Asuka-san is a warrior also, she does not honor my master, >however she also protects him." Mike: We call her Callysto, I wonder why... Crow: If this was the real EoE, Anno would have been sacrficed to an angry mob about now. >"I don't understand." >Rei ignored the last comment and continued. >"I cannot kill her and remain next to my master to protect >him. He has no one else to watch over him." Tom: No to mention Gendo would be most displeased if I killed a pilot...Hey, what are the Angels doing right now? Crow: Got any threes? Mike: Go fish. >"She is of more use to him alive than dead, so I allow it." Tom: Asuka's gotta be breathing free, she won't get her ass kicked to St. Louis and back by the clone girl... Crow: Did I mention that I hate Asuka? I hate Asuka. Mike: Dead or Alive? Who cares? It's all about the breasts! >"Rei-san! You must not speak of such things; however the >code of the Geisha is silence, so I am honor bound not to >report this to authorities." Tom: You'd almost think she ran over his puppy when he was a kid or something.... Crow: And if you need help disposing of the body, well I'll be honor bound not to report that either... >"Has apology been made for her injury to him?" >"Yes." >"Accepted?" >"Yes." Tom: Punishment chosen and meted out by your fair and impartial hand? Crow: Anyone really mind if we strangle Rei at this rate either? Granted, it's Asuka, but this is getting downright annoying. Tom: I got my trenchcoat right here! And if things go wrong we can always blame it on those violent video games we play! Mike: But solitaire isn't violent, Tom! Tom: It is when we play it... >"Then I suggest you honor your master's wishes and leave >her alone, that is unless she directly threatens his life." Mike: Yesss master.. we no hurtsss the hobbitsesss, gollum gollum. >"I cannot simply stand and watch her cause him pain." Crow: Anybody got a blindfold? Mike: I must join in! Wai pain! Tom: I need a nice comfy chair to sit in while I watch the redhead dominatrix work her magic. >"I see that the girl is not too terribly bruised at present >although she is favoring her right side." Mike: Perhaps a sledgehammer repeatedly struck against her ribcage will speed up the process? Tom: Well, at least she knows how to sell the injury. Crow: I have a bad feeling that this fic won't be satisfied until all 206 bones are broken in Asuka's body.... >"I threw her out of the tub. She spent over an hour in her >soak and would not allow anyone else to share the bath." Tom: That's cause Asuka is EEEEEEEVIL! Crow: INDEED! Mike: "It is good that you have learned mercy. I would have killed her for that." Crow: Gratuious prop? She's soaking in it! >"Hmm, how is this affecting her ability as a warrior?" >"I don't know." Crow: Why should I care? I'm just the judge and executioner, I ain't her mother. Tom: Why does it matter anyway? We have the Almighty SHINJI. Mike: Well, her wrinkled fingers makes it difficult to hold a weapon and her uniform is chafing her skin in some very tender areas.... Tom: Besides, the ways things are going, it's not like the angels are going to attack any time soon.... >"May I suggest that you not damage her when dealing with >her?" >"What are you suggesting?" asked Rei >"A spanking perhaps?" smiled Miyako. Tom: She didn't leave the grail shaped sign up again, did she? Mike: Because, as we ALL know, Asuka responds well to spankings. Crow: Wow, we've ruined Asuka's self esteem, brainwashed her, and now we're going to treat her like a kid... sheesh. >"I want a sword," said Rei. Mike: I was looking for something in a Siegfried model... Tom: I want chocolate! I want to go first! I want an Oompa Lompa! Crow: "No," replied Gendo. And that was the end of that. >"To cut off Asuka's head no doubt." >"No, to protect my master's life and to end my own life >should I fail," replied Rei. Crow: Asuka's head is just an added bonus. Tom: Kind of an empty gesture when they have a dozen or so spares of Rei in the basment. Mike: And ironically enough, all of those spares aren't malfunctioning THIS badly... Tom: Sadly Maya is in charge of testing them at this moment... >"Rei-san, but how can you always keep it with you?" >"Unnecessary, I will secure it in a safe place before going >into battle. It is of no use in an EVA." Tom: What place is safer than Misato's liquor cabinet? Mike: Rei, you can't carry a sword in Japan. See, there's this little thing you should have been learning about in school that's called 'the law'... Tom: Trust me, they don't like people with swords much. >"Damn, you ARE a warrior, You are a pilot of those huge >machines. >"Yes, I am the designated pilot of Unit-0. The machine will >be my sword when I am in it." Crow: Not to nitpick fic, but it'd be nice to know exactly WHO is the other end of this dialogue... Tom: My guess is that it's TV's Ernest Borgnine! Mike: Oh man, he's gonna tell us about the evil monkey again! >"I will secure for you a sword, Rei-san, It will not be a >classic design, but will be more suited to your needs." Crow: And it comes in this handy leather carrying case, stylish for the modern woman. Tom: Thank you, Santa! Mike: Hardly used, only one owner, mind your arm through when you switch it on. Crow: Could always go with a gun-blade... Tom: But then we would want Squall-level whine in this fic? Would we? >Rei and Miyako quietly made their way back to the apartment. Mike: ...only to be startled as Kramer burst forth from across the hall and asked if they had any Kenny Rogers leftovers.... Tom: So how does Miyako the Geisha rate sword permits? Crow: She gets them from the same place that gives fish licenses... Mike: This sowrd license has the word dog crossed out, and sword written in crayon! >"Asuka Langley, I would speak with you now," uttered the >Geisha in impeccable German. Crow: Umm... but I'm-a from Sveden... Tom: Nice try. >Asuka arose in an elegant and graceful move that did justice >to the kimono she was wearing. Tom: And yet still giving us fanboys our service... ... she's such a trooper.... Mike: Then she promptly fell over. Crow: Y'know, this is an AWFULLY long way to go for a clone who's been too close to a microwave way too often... Tom: SHHHH! You're ruining it for me! >"Do not worry, I shall be back shortly." >"There she is again!" was whispered a few people on the >balcony "It's really Miyako!" Mike: And she's doing Juliet! Crow: Hey Geisha...Let's dance! Tom: So is Tokyo-3 just stuffed with Miyako impersonators? I thought she was the last of the red hot geishas... Crow: I think Lisa Foster already has dibs on her.... >"Asuka, my child, you are in great danger, your life may >depend on your interaction with your household. Make peace >with Shinji and Rei, and yourself. Tom: Oh, and vacuum the rug if you get a chance. Crow: Now go... and may the Force be with you Mike: The shadowy Shinji?! No one's seen him ever since Wonder Girl's synapses made like a square dance! For all we know, he's just a figurehead! >"What's with the blue-haired bimbo anyway?" asked Asuka. >"She is Lord Shinji's retainer now." Tom: But doesn't Rei get tired holding Shinji's teeth? Mike: His overbite is so bad that he has to wear her all night long. Crow: We've mixed Tokyo-3 with medieval England... Let's see if anyone can tell the difference! >"Lord Shinji? Are you batty? What's a retainer anyway?" Crow: It's legal counsel. And with all the slander this author's giving your character, I'd suggest finding some. Mike: Here, let me show you. *POW!* There, now pick up your teeth and go see the dentist, he'll explain the procedure to you. Tom: Asuka is a college graduate, and yes they did have a retainer system in Germany... can she get maybe an ounce of credit? >"This is deadly serious." If you humiliate or strike Shinji >ever again you may get seriously injured or killed by Rei." Mike: Okay! Bring Wonder Girl on! I've wanted to try out my new Glock for a while! Tom: What if I just throw him off a cliff? Crow: A bitchslap at the most. >"I cannot prove this, but I think she may have sympathizers >who may act on her behalf, " for in the past, Rei refused to >kill you because it would mean losing her closeness to her >master." Crow: As a matter of fact, her sympathizers are standing by to torch SEELE. Care to give a hand? Tom: Granted they're only Touji and Kensuke, but still...you should be afraid. Very afraid! Mike: Not to mention the dry cleaning bill would have sent him into an absolute fit. >This may change at any time." "Rei may ask a second to >dispose of you without asking Shinji's permission." Tom: Umm... Miyako, could you please tell me where we seem to have misplaced about two hundred pages of description and plot points LEADING to this scene? Please? Crow: But everyone knows the second Rei was the bratty one of the clone family... >"So I'm supposed to be afraid?" >"How's your right leg?" Crow: Well, the knee-bone is still connected to the shin-bone, if that's what you're asking... Tom: Trembling. Mike: And your left? Tom: Wooden, you ripped it off last Thursday remember? Mike: Oh yes.... >"Shiest! What am I supposed to do now?" >"I would start with a prostrate apology in front of >witnesses if I were you," remarked Miyako, Mike: I turn my head and cough? Crow: For WHAT?! The simplest criticism of Shinji? This ain't no George Orwell story, dammit! Tom: The next angel that came to Tokyo-3 was named Clarence... unfortunately, there was nothing he could do, for Asuka would NEVER have a wonderful life. And bare seconds later, in a bloodlust, Rei neatly carved him up... >"very humbling, for you, but will satisfy Rei, who >apologized for you, If I read her correctly. Shinji will be >embarrassed, but honored and being a good boy will probably >not order her to kill you." Miyako smiled. Crow: It's my estimation that they like having you around for amusement more. Tom: I pray for the Third and Fourth Impact, just to be safe. Mike: So, do you have any other things i can do before hell freezes over? Tom: Is it my imagination, or is this Sixth Reich backroom politicking more complex than Kaji's triple agency? > Asuka felt the blood rise in her face, as the Geisha >continued. >"I would not suggest admission as retainer, because Rei >would indeed kill you if Shinji were to reject you even if >he did not realize the importance of the moment. Crow: Which CONFIRMS Shinji's complete ignorance in this matter. Mike: Okay! Okay! We GET it! Failure equals DEATH! Can we PLEASE get to the ACTION now?!? Tom: Uhhh... who put Pope Urban II's genes in this latest Rei clone? Hmm? Crow: Geez, what is this, some kinda of Spanish Inquistion? Mike: Nooooooo-body expects the Spanish Inquistion! >Allegiance to his clan as a trusted ally is the safest >short-term goal. After all, you fight a common enemy, even >Rei has acknowledged this and recognizes your value to her >master. Crow: Thus Rei took her to the Forbidden Zone and sold her to Overdog. Mike: The House of Ikari... also known as What William Golding Couldn't Write. Not because of accuracy... in spite of it. Tom: Say, who died and made Shinji head of NURV? And what is Gendo doing right now? Mike: *Back at NURV HQ* Crow: Got any threes? Mike: Go fish. >I have a question for you Miss Langley. How many times has >the young man saved your life?" Crow: So? What does he want? A cookie? Tom: Big whoop! What has he done for me lately? >Asuka stared blankly at the Geisha, the volcano incident >flashed through her mind. Mike: Damn you, Tom Hanks! I'll never get that crappy film out of my mind! Crow: Thousands screaming, trying to get away from the fire in their triremes and over land to the east... thousands more, buried in ash forever. WHERE WAS YOUR GOD- BOY THEN?!? Tom: At home organizing his eight-track collection. >"And how have you repaid him for your life?" >Asuka began to cry. "I called him an idiot! I don't want to >grovel at his feet, I'd die of embarrassment!" Tom: You'd better get used to it, he's now into the habit of beheading his girlfriends for his own impotency... Crow: I'd rather be his venus, his fire, whatever he desires! Mike: Well, it sure beats dying by impalement >I would suggest then that you then treat him as a prince. >It is the closest cultural link that describes your >situation. Crow: Now appearing in this fic, the fanfic character formerly known as Shinji.... Mike: Yeah! Treat him like an unpronounceable symbol! Tom: Instead of a prince, howzabout I treat him like Archduke Ferdinand? >The walk was repeated with Misato. Mike: But with more of a boom-chika Tom: But that walk isn't particalurly silly, is it? Crow: What do I look like, Tom Bodette? Tom: They had the strut, they had the duds..At last the Geisha of Tokyo 3 were ready to unleash their gang on Tokyo-3 Mike: Miyako needs to get back on her Bimo-chan both for hers and our sanity. >Several weeks went by. Crow: Yet, the MSTers continued. Against all odds. Tom: Oh brave MSTers, is that really a good thing? Kashira. Kashira. Gozonji kashira? Mike: The Gary Shandling method makes a comeback. Tom: Ahh, another Angel-free day here in glorious Tokyo-3. I think I'll get more service from my slave Rei. >"Ikari-sama" A figure approached and stood about 25 feet >away. "I challenge your retainer to see if she is worthy." Mike: If I defeat her, I shall date with her! Crow: It's the latest fighting game from Capcom, "Retainer Kombat 2025"! Mike: Feel the wrath of my special Orthodontic smasher! OSHYA! Tom: Amazing, after the Second Impact, Japan did away with the metric system. >"What is your challenge?" Tom: Naked cricket Mike: One hour of cooking with a theme ingredient and a panel of four judges! Crow: If memory serves me right, I ask you to bite me. >"That she go back to being a girl and put this foolishness >behind her, that you grow up and stop hiding behind a >little girl's skirts." Tom: Who is this mystery person who is speaking some sense for the first time in this fic? Mike: I dunno, but I like her moxie! Crow: Did we accidentally run into the first round of the Pokemon League? Tom: Rei! I choose you! >"And if you lose?" >"Ayanami's master receives an apology and a gift suitable >to redeem such an insult." Crow: This brand new Juicer, and assorted other housewares...All can be yours if the price is right! Tom: Where did this gift basket come from? Mike: You know, this gives Gendo all sorts of new pick-up lines... Tom: Hey baby, would you like to till my fiefdom? >"I have no weapons, other than my fists, weapons aren't >allowed at school. Shinji replied. Crow: Hey Shinji, you might want to tell your "loyal subject" Rei of that declaration... Mike: Oh, sure...now the fic follows the rules! Tom: Fortunately, I can spit venom from my mouth up to fifty feet.... >"I have brought weapons suitable for children. Due to the >times, the fight will be with wooden swords." Tom: They are truly Men of Bokken... Crow: Yeah, hitting someone over the head fifty times with a kendo stick is harmless... just ask Mick Foley! Mike: Does that mean I can use my Eva if I pick up a tree? Tom: [singing] You're under eighteen, won't be doin' any ti-yi-ime... >We shall fight until one of us yields or your master >acknowledges that you are an unworthy retainer." Crow: Then after that, you shall all fight me in a pudding match! Tom: ....... Crow: This fic is booked by both Jim Herd and Vince Russo... so expect a lot of silly stipulations >Shinji moved forwards but was blocked by Rei, Mike: Ikari's attempting to move into the zone... but he was stopped at the blue line by Ayanami, who dumps the puck to the opposite corner... Tom: Shinji passes to Toji, but Toji misses the puck 'cause of only having one arm and one leg. Crow: But he sneaks around her! There's the shot! SCORES!!! >"I am sorry Ikari-sama," her voice was cold, calm, and with >a cutting edge to it. "But this dog is not worthy to be >pissed upon by you. Tom: Ooooooooh... nice insult! Crow: But I REALLY have to go! Mike: O-oh yeah?!? Well....well... you're the... the... daughter of a motherless GOAT! Yeah! Tom: Oh, how I wish Shinji's title was Lord Greystoke right now... >Before he may fight the master, he must defeat the servant." Crow: Has this become 'Return of the Jedi' all of the sudden? Mike: Ooooh! Use the Force you should, Rei! Feel it you can? Tom: So he can suck it! Crow: Great, Rei's doing her DX inpersionation again >"Well-spoken, Ayanami!" stated the challenger. Before Shinji >could protest, Rei moved swiftly and grabbed the offered >sword in the challengers left hand. Crow: It was just another wacky day at SCA Tokyo-3 branch... Rei does the fightin' and Shinji does the runnin' Tom: Y'know, it's all fun and games until someone pokes their eye out... Mike: And then it's a sport! >Rei swiftly swept the bamboo sword through a dazzling motion >of sweeps and curves. Crow: And then the voice gave her a dry look and pulled out a Colt, which dispatched the threat easily. Tom: The voice turned out to be Gokuu, who was more than able to take care of Rei with a simple Kamehameha... >"Where did she learn to do that?" Shinji wondered. Crow: I'd guess it's from M. Llave. Tom: From Deus X. Machina. Mike: Driver's education. Tom: On the back of a matchbook cover! Crow: Wet, Wild and Easy VII [Everyone stares at Crow] Crow: What? >The challenger attacked without warning striking at Rei's >legs. Rei deflected the blows and counter attacked with a >ferocity that left the man retreating. Crow: Wow, this is so visual I can almost see it... that is if I knew who the heck this 'challenger' is. I'm still picturing a space shuttle. Tom: [singing] Zettai...Ume...Mokushiro! Crow: For the power to revoltionize the World! Mike: Shinji as Dios? Hell, I have a rough time imagining him as Miki. >He lay on the ground clutching his side. "I yield!" Crow: Please don't let me die before I know who I am! Mike: Fool, you only yield on a left turn. A left TURN! >"Stop it, Ayanami-san!" Rei obeyed, with her crimson eyes >flashing. "NO! Let me finish this!" Crow: I am a Star Child! Tom: Hah! You just got those eyes from A&A Novelty out of Flint for $1.98! Mike: My plan is complete. Rei will make the perfect traffic signal. Crow: I warned you! Freeze! Eye police! Whoo whoo whoo whoo! >"No, it's over. Lay down your sword." Rei lowered the bamboo >sword but still clutched it, glowering at her opponent. "Now! >Apologize to Ikari-sama!" she screamed at the man. Mike: Ya know, I don't even know this guy and I already feel more for him than any of the real characters in this scene! Tom: This mystery character might as well be the special guest star on "Police Squad!" >The man was on his hands and knees still grimacing from the >blow to his ribs. Crow: So he was turning purple and chunky? Tom: Suddenly, he lunged forward and speared Ayanami out of her boots while a chant of "GOLDDDDBERG" was piped into the room. Crow: 101 Ayanami's beaten, 101 more to go! >"Forgive this test, Ikari-sama!" the man pleaded. "I am >familiar with the sword's body, but not its spirit, for I >am but a humble craftsman. Mike: I make adjustable beds for seniors! Tom: Flawless victory. Your soul is mine! >I was asked to build a sword by a dear friend for a unique >individual, but I heard of your age, I doubted your purpose >and your honor. Crow: Now I know you have neither. Mike: So the mystery man is another boring new character? Call of lame on the fic, 5 yard penalty. Tom: Bite your tongue. It could be worse, the mystery man could've been Janeane Garofalo. Mike: Gah! >I humbly ask your forgiveness and ask that you receive my >work into your hands. Your retainer is indeed worthy of >your service, Ayanami-san is worthy to wear the sword." Crow: For I have made the Cursed Sword of Azehala! Mwahahahaha!!! Tom: Just wake me up when something in this fic bears a vague resemblence to NGE. Mike: Hey, I'd rather have non-sensical action than the unrelenting Asuka bashing...Hey, what is Asuka doing right now anyway? Crow: Got any threes? Mike: Go fish. And I'm not a dragon. >He rose and presented small box to Shinji. Shinji examined >the box, removed the blue-handled short sword in its >scabbard bearing the moon it from its box and held it out >to Rei, who tucked it into the belt of her school uniform. Mike: Glad to see the sword worn PROPERLY... Crow: Y'know, I got this sword on special from a garage sale at Hotohori's... you could at least treat it decently! Tom: Suddenly the weight of the sword pulled down her pants as Shinji quickly captured the priceless moment on video for Bob Saget. >"There were three insults, I see but one gift! " declared >Rei. Mike: I was keeping track! Tom: Oh fine, here's a couple of after-dinner mints. Happy? Crow: Well, there were three clones, but I see but one blue- haired bitch. Tom: Despite all the authors posturing in this fic, I still hate Rei more than I hate Asuka. >"The sword I have given you is for your home and formal >occasions, There is another that I have not yet finished >that must be crafted to the wearer. Tom: It is built for maximum efficiency in sliding through one's entrails. Mike: Given how long this guy is on the screen, the least the author could've done is given him a name! Crow: We could always name him! Tom: Mr. Bowjangles? Mike: Guy Ingonito? Crow: Jimmy Joe Joe Shabado Jr? Mike: We have a winner! >It is a concealable sword, not for the coward, but so as to >allow the retainer to function without arousing suspicions, >in today's world. Tom: Bringing the Middle Ages to you, here in Post Second Impact Tokyo-3! Crow: You just have to place it in this non- descript black over coat... Mike: Why do they keep calling Rei a "retainer" when she's clearly an assassin? >Third is a katana, possibly to be my greatest work, and >lastly the lessons of a master swordsman for your >retainer." Mike: I enlisted a five-foot turtle named Leonardo. Tom: That way your teeth can defend themselves properly against tartar and gingivitis! Crow: Ayanami Rei, an action hero for your mouth! >"Four is the number of Death," said Ayanami. >"That is for your enemies, Ayanami-san." was the reply. Tom: Not to mention anyone golfing in your vicinity. Mike: All those swords are for my ENEMIES? >"Your apologies and gifts are more than worthy to redeem >your indiscretion," replied Shinji bowing to the man. "But >how do you wish to be compensated for the difference?" Crow: Yogurt! Tom: With my own TV show...I shall call it Big Ears amd Noodle Noggin! Mike: That just screams 'narf'. >"I have already received compensation in the lives of my >wife and children, Ikari-sama", the swordmaker returned the >bow, but much deeper. Tom: Thus padding this scene out just THAT... MUCH... MORE! Crow: I'm an extortionist now? Hey Rei, know anything about this? Mike: Well, it was a natural offshoot by the time we were racketeering... >"You shall not see me again." He gathered the wooden swords >and quickly left. Tom: Suddenly, another man carrying swords made of tofu approached Rei.... Crow: Hey, what about that sword you were supposed to make crafted just for me? Mike: Ahh, I'll ship it UPS. Tom: And meanwhile, 'Barefoot in the Park' played in the distance, contributing even more to the NGE muzak feel of this fic. Crow: Howzabout we get back to the Satellite for a couple? This is too illogical for a poor robot to follow after a while... --Satellite of Love Wooden swords littered every available surface of the bridge of the Satellite of Love. They were piled three and four deep on the floor, and also all over the desk. Suddenly, the lights went off on the satellite, and Cambot started a soundtrack of wolves howling, crickets chirping, and wind wailing. A flash of light came from above, accompanied by the sound of thunder. Suddenly, the spotlight fixed upon Crow T. Robot, dressed in hakama pants and carrying one of the wooden swords. "Three days hence, mark my words... I shall be the one to stand tall!" His voice played through the satellite, yet his mouth didn't move once. Another beam of light went to the opposite side of the bridge, where Tom Servo hovered menacingly, also carrying a wooden sword in one of his spring hands. "I know my opponent talks a good talk, but it remains to be seen if he can walk a good walk!" The two lights extinguished... then, Mike's voice echoed through the Satellite. "On Sunday, these two competitors will fight for the right to be... Asuka's Retainer. They will fight for the right to meet Ayanami Rei in single combat, and they fight for the right to bring order and peace to this fanfiction story!" Crow's spotlight flared again to life. "Why would it matter if I walk anyway? I know you can't... unfeetered by legs!" Tom's spotlight followed suit. "Oh, oh yeah? Well, I've been told that you drink straight from the oil can, and you don't EVER use a glass!" "Yeah? Well, your underwear collection is OUT OF ORDER!" "Of all the unmitigated... YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE!" "AND YOU NEVER USE DEODORANT!" "I DON'T SWEAT! AND IF YOU HAD A BETTER PROCESSOR CHIP THAN A RUFFLES, THEN YOU'D KNOW THAT!" Both spotlights abruptly turned off, leaving blackness again. "See it all... Sunday. RETAINER WARS... ARS... ars... s..." Mike's voice again echoed through the satellite, as red, yellow, and blue lights flashed again through the satellite. "But first... FANFIC SIGN!" Mike called. A crash later, along with the sound of kicked wooden swords and a barely muffled swear word accompanied Cambot as he moved forward towards the doors... [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1]