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thanorth 27 days ago



Mentions of Death and Violence

If you get squeamish or generally cannot handle these themes, please don't go beyond this point! :0



Synthetica : Revelations

Chapter Zero : Checkmate! <3333


Location: Synthetica Corp, located in New York, New York.

Time: Approximately half past three in the afternoon.

A man in his early thirties fixed the collar of his button up shirt on him as he walked over to get his whopping seventh serving of coffee. Being the CEO of a multi billion dollar company sure was tiring, but it's even more tiring when you don't sleep at all and just run on caffeine. He wasn't planning on changing that, and it was a mystery as to how he was able to make it work. His name is Lane Richmond. He is the founder of Synthetica Corp, the most successful android company there is yet. Despite only being around for six years, it has taken the world by storm, only getting better and better over time. He looked around, seeing this empire he created. It was the second thing he was most proud of, the first being his family. He couldn't believe he even managed to get this far, and was still holding his head up high, keeping a positive outlook, and continuously n his own words "moving forward."

Walking among the indistinct chatter on future plans and such for the company, Lane continued his confident stride amongst the corridors, greeting his employees as he did so. Hands at his side, he walked straight as he would be going to his personal office that he shared with his oldest daughter who is the co-founder of the company. However, she wouldn't be working alongside him today, as she had other business to attend to spending time with a family of her own, her amazing husband Geon, and their beautiful daughter Lilah. It was during their daughter's spring break after all, so before she went back to school Adore wanted to spend as much time with her family as possible. Lane would cover for her this one day, and tomorrow he planned on living a little and joining them on the small vacation. However, for now he would just be wrapping things up before he relaxed, but first, his coffee. Walking towards the coffee maker on his desk, he grabbed a cup and placed it under before switching the coffee maker on, so it could brew for a moment and pour. As this was being done, he reached up to a cabinet to take out a jar of sugar that had a small spoon inside of it so he could pour the sugar in. He would then sit down, looking at the three computer monitors in the office and the various pictures with his kids, or him with his kids. Soon the coffee would be finished, and Lane would begin to prepare the coffee in the cup, pouring a few scoops of sugar inside. He then put the jar away, and began to take a sip… until he began to hear something unsavory coming from the room he thought was alone in.


Lane flinched at this, hot coffee spilling on his white button up as he would begin to get up but it was too late. There were a few individuals that hid in his office just waiting for the right moment to strike, and they got him. One man jumped out from the closet next to the desk with a loaded gun to distract Lane, which would cause him to slightly put his hands up as he backed away, two more grabbing his arms and then pulling him down against a wall while he felt another gun right by the back of his head. His heart was racing. Was this all really happening? "Alright, alright, you got me. Damn, I really should have seen this coming." He spoke, visibly looking nervous, but not really terrified or surprised that this happened. He was thinking more about the impact of his family if this trigger was to be pulled. "What do you want. Money? My life?"

The man suited up that stood before him would talk into an intercom built in the vest of the uniform that he was wearing. "What do you think, Lane?" He asked, putting his gun away as he looked down at him. "Quite frankly I'm getting both from doing this job. Your time is up for what you've been doing. It's terrible." He spoke, as Lane got more and more uncomfortable with the gun being right up on his neck, and the grip the other two men had got tighter and tighter.

"What's really terrible is what's gonna happen after you kill me." Lane chuckled. "I'm guessing you're working with the AAC like many others have. Don't worry, I'm not mad. I knew I was bound to have a lot of money on my head." He spoke again, as he was currently still very nervous about what was coming next, considering his minutes were numbered, if they were generous enough to give him minutes. "But yeah, you really don't know what is gonna happen next. It's not good. Think of it like revelations. You know, in the bible? Where it talks about the apocalypse? You'd all be goners." He told the man.

"Your bluffs aren't going to work on me. I can see right through them." He retorted, making a gesture at the others as to how much time this man had left. It wasn't much. He had fifteen seconds on the clock. "Any last words?" He asked as the end was drawing near. He was met with some silence at first, watching Lane as he began to grin thinking of something for a moment. He thought of the right things to say.

"Guess you caught my bluff. That's very unfortunate." He sighed, before chuckling a moment and getting back to this hitman on his question. "Could you shoot me in the chest? I mean, if I'm dying right now I at least want my funeral to be open casket. Plus I'm an organ donor. I wanna donate what I can." Lane said, his tone going from anxious to rather uncaring and accepting of the situation. "I'm a rather handsome man and I'd like to keep it that way before my body starts to deteriorate." He joked.

This caused this hitman to wince. Why was he so okay with this? He looked at Lane confused, as he noticed that Lane was quite literally laughing at this entire thing. "Hey, what the hell is wrong with you? You're about to DIE." He asked, grabbing his gun from the holster as he had no clue what tricks he could have had under his sleeve. "Hello?!" He asked, as he was almost yelling this out loud. What was going on?

"Becauusseeee." Lane said, before beginning to laugh even more in his face. Everyone was getting startled by what he was doing until he then caught himself. "Alright alright, I apologize for scaring you, but uh.." He spoke up beginning to come out of laughter, only to start laughing more and more and more. Did he even care, or did he know something that they didn't know? It was uncertain.

Immediately, this raised red flags.  What was that supposed to mean? Was someone getting ready to show up unexpected to stop them? Nonetheless, it didn't matter. This mission needed to be carried out before it was too late. "GO ON!" He yelled, as suddenly the fourth hitman with the gun to Lane's neck moved it to his lower back, respecting this dead man's wishes, followed by the last thing he'd do in that room, a silenced gunshot going straight through Lane's chest. They let go of him as he fell down on the floor, looking at the ceiling.

Lane wasn't moving, but he was still alive for a few more moments. He resented the fact that it had to end up like this, but knew what the outcome would be and that it would lead to something else that he always wanted to happen if he did get killed rather than dying naturally. He felt the pain and his time running out faster, just barely being able to mutter his last words that only his killers would ever hear.


With that, Lane would then be dead, falling  completely limp now as he laid there on his office floor. The hitmen would swiftly leave rather than try not to leave a trace in fear of what just happened and how their target handled it. The job was still done, though. However, later on the death wouldn't go unnoticed, and soon press would be notified of this multi-billionaire's terrible, terrible demise. However, before this could happen, there would be someone out there that already knew.

:syringe: :syringe: :syringe:

Location: Coney Island, located in New York.

Time: Fifteen minutes to four.

"Mommy! Mommy! Look!" The voice of an enthusiastic girl would be heard on the boardwalk of Coney Island. She skipped around in her jelly sandals while holding the hand of her dad as well as a new toy of a stuffed animal that she won herself at one of those booths where you can win things by playing a game. This was Lilah Richmond, the granddaughter of Lane and daughter of Adore mentioned earlier. She appeared to have been no more than six years old, at least in the eyes of a normal civilian.

"Yes Lilah, I see! It's very nice! Now let daddy hold onto it for you so you don't drop it okay?" Adore chuckled as she was walking with the two. She adjusted a small lab coat she was wearing that had dried her off after she was in the waves at the beach portion of the park that she had gotten from a friend. Despite it not exactly being something most people use at the beach, it was pretty cute, practical, and she used it as a cardigan in this case.

"Okay! Here you go!" Lilah would tell Geon as she gave him the stuffed animal for him to hold as he would have a much better grip. She smiled at him, which would cause for Geon to melt as she shared that same gummy smile that he had when he smiled with his teeth. He really couldn't believe that they were blessed with such a great kid. Geon would begin to speak up.

"Thank you Lilah. Now what do you all want to do next while we're here? We still have plenty of time. Maybe we can try a couple rides and then get something to eat." Geon offered as they walked, however, Adore abruptly stopped as she could sense something that no one else in the area could. "Adore? What's wrong? Is something going on?" He asked, as she noticed her get more and more terrified as she sensed this feeling. She pretended to pick up her phone and hear something, however the sense got stronger and stronger, and she knew what just happened.

"No… He's.. No… NO!" Adore would suddenly scream, which would concern Geon and confuse Lilah as she didn't quite understand what was going on. Unintentionally making a scene in the middle of the boardwalk, Adore was wailing out after realizing that this connection she had inside her head with her father disappeared. Lane was gone? Wait, but how? Why? Why at a time like this? This couldn't be. Lane couldn't die. He just couldn't. It was impossible. Impossible.. Up until now. "No.. No….  Please NO… This is my fault.. This is MY FAULT!" Geon would catch on, suppressing his devastation for later, but the first order of business would be getting both Adore and Lilah back home as quickly as they could, or at least to where Lane could have been..

Timeskip -- One Week Later

The funeral was the saddest thing you could ever imagine if you were close to Lane. His whole family was there to pay their respects and see him one last time at the extravagant funeral service that was held just for him. From family, to friends to many people that were inspired and changed by his work, everyone was there. It was heartfelt and saddening to everyone who would be mourning the death of their loved one overall. While Lilah was the only one who didn't quite understand the concept of death, everyone else was there for each other to get through this. The service was about five hours long, the most heart wrenching part being the lowering of the casket after all of the roses were placed. Once it was all over, the Richmonds would go home to just talk and try to sort their emotions all out, and try to bond with each other and hopefully feel slightly better by thinking of all of the good things that came from Lane and being with them. All of the people in the house all had one thing in common with each other that pertained to Lane, and that one thing was how Lane gave them all life, whether it was metaphorically or literally.

Fast forward to roughly eight in the evening and it's almost time for little Lilah to go to bed. Those who no longer lived in the Richmond Mansion whether it'd be temporary or permanent left to go to their home, and of course things were simply getting quieter, as no one really knew how to feel even after sorting things out to an extent. Lilah would be wandering around the mansion, going into her late grandfather's room to look around and snoop through his things as she was currently unsupervised. Her parents were looking all over the place for her so they could put her to bed. However, as she was rummaging through all of Lane's neatly placed things, she came across a cool looking object in a small little box. It was some kind of tape recording device. She decided to play it, however everything it would say wouldn't make much sense to her. It would most definitely mean something else though. However, after playing this message, she'd hear footsteps coming towards the door and quickly put the device away.

"Lilahh, what are you doing in here? It's past your bedtime." It was Geon once again, who would be putting on his more playful fatherly demeanor even in tough times like this, as Lilah still needed that kind of environment as she was still a young child. He would chuckle for a moment as he picked Lilah up and carried her off to bed as she would be giggling at the fact someone found her, him oblivious to what the message said, and her oblivious to what the message meant. However, what did it say?

:syringe: :syringe: :syringe:

Good evening.

If you are hearing this message, I'm afraid the worst has come to pass, and I am no longer with you at the hands of another man.

No matter who gets the message, as this most likely will only be found by family, this may be heartbreaking to hear, as this may be the only way you'll ever hear my voice once again.

However, please don't fret, for this will all work out in the end even if I have gone far, far too soon.

As you know, I have worked very hard to give you all the world, as I couldn't do it with my biological children who also went too soon.

However, that won't ever stop, and even while I am not there, I will assure you that this land, while being mercilessly fought over and having had me slain over, is your given right by me.

I only want the best for you all, and what will happen come a little while longer by no means will be done out of malicious intent, but for justice.

Rest assured, soon it will be the end of days for most, but for you a new and even better beginning.

It may seem scary at first, going through changes, and maybe even losing yourself soon, it will all come back to you once things are done, and things will be in order again. It will only be temporary.

There are cruel people out there that will try to bring you down, and have tried to bring you down several times, however, you will get through this.

So long as you work together, which you inevitably will, you will accomplish anything and everything will be yours, just as I wanted it to be.

I believe in you.

Keep moving forward.

I love you.

Even in defeat, we will remain victorious.

He wasn't bluffing.

:syringe: :syringe: :syringe:






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Likes (174)
Comments (9)

Likes (174)

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Comments (9)

Hello North. I am Komoerbi from the Feedback Committee. We appreciate you using our tag and, hopefully, continue to use it more in the future.

I love the idea that you put into your work. It feels like a typical CEO, super business, tall gesture like most starting writings from young writers, but you put your own twist on it that makes it feel personal. I did not expect gunmen to suddenly appear and shoot down the main character in just the prologue.

There is a lot you need to work on, though. As much as you have the imagination to write, your actual writing is lacking. I found it hard to read passed the first two paragraphs because of it. You tell us exactly what he does, how he does it, and who he is then we need to know in a prologue. You also tend to add “fluff words”, as I call them, where a sentence would be much better without.

The very first sentence, for example, does not need “on him”. If you omit “fluff words” like those, the writing will seem much more fluid.

Also, you need to break up your paragraphs into cohesive points. Several paragraphs, like the second one, has at least two trains of thought running through it. A new paragraph needs to start when you are writing a new topic, scene, dialogue, etc. And about dialogue, there should not be so much squished into one paragraph, and there should not be a dialogue marker after each piece. Readers understand who is speaking if it is broken up and action of the person comes before and/or after.

Hopefully this has helped. If you take a good moment to edit it, I’m sure it will be amazing. You idea sounds fun, but it does not seem to be executed from an editor’s point of view. I would love to see the other installments as you post them.

If you want more feedback from me, you can comment on my wall. Have a great day hun.

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2 Reply 27 days ago

I think I get what you mean there! I'll see if I can work on it! Thank you so much!!

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2 Reply 27 days ago

i do not understand the ending whats happening to everyone

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1 Reply 27 days ago

Reply to: junk

AAAAAAAA well uhh you see this gets explained a little better in the next chapter but I could uh tell u if you wanna know early 👁👁

The ending is supposed to be a lil bit confusing because like its foreshadowing for the next set of events heeheE

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0 Reply 27 days ago

hi i wrote this for like three hours straight but i love it sorry if it doesnt make sense oof

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2 Reply 27 days ago
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