Why Seeking Closure Is Pointless

August 25, 2015  |  
14 of 16

Closure is like a unicorn: at some point, every girl wants it, but it’s impossible to get. There are going to be men who leave you feeling so messed up, so betrayed, and so confused that you’re going to want answers. You’re going to demand a coffee date so you can get some “closure.” And yet, you’re going to leave that meeting feeling not better, but possibly worse. Here is why looking for closure is pointless.

He doesn’t really know why he did it

Think about it: You hardly know why you did half the dumb things you’ve done in your lifetime. Sometimes people do things that hurt others, and they just don’t know why.


And that will infuriate you

So when your ex fumbles through some half-a**ed answer, barely coming up with a comprehensible response to, “Why did you do this to me?” you’re going to end up pretty pissed. You’re going to wonder how you ever could have dated someone who doesn’t think about his actions. You’re going to walk away more upset than before.

You want to hear what you want to hear

Even if he does have a reason, and an intelligible one at that, you’re not going to like it. What you want to hear is that he hurt you because he is stupid, because he has mommy issues, because he is insecure–something profound. Or at least something self-deprecating.

And he’s not going to say it

He’s going to give you a really simple answer—one that actually makes a lot of sense but isn’t satisfying at all. If you don’t hear what you want to hear, it won’t feel like closure.

People often won’t apologize

The previous pages are based on the idea that this guy is apologizing in the first place. That’s a nice idea, isn’t it? But how many times have people screwed you over and actually said sorry?

And you’ll feel dark and pessimistic

You went into your meeting with your ex thinking “I’m so nice. I’m giving this guy the chance to apologize.” You left it thinking “What a jacka**!” That backfired.

When they apologize, it’s not enough

The truth is, even when someone does apologize, it’s usually not enough. You don’t get that instant satisfaction that you thought you would. You’re still hurting a lot.


The exchange isn’t fair

Having someone say “I’m sorry” doesn’t make up for the fact that he cheated on you/strung you along /never introduced you to his family or whatever happened. The words, “I’m sorry” aren’t nearly as helpful as you think they would be.

You want to see him suffer like you did

Be honest now: you don’t actually want to be friends. You don’t actually want to walk away on a handshake. You don’t want to talk things out and see what you could have done differently. You want this guy to feel like absolute sh*t for what he did, and suffer as much as he made you suffer.

But he won’t come close

He was capable of hurting you the way he did in the first place because he is insensitive. And, for that same reason, he won’t feel any way when you tell him how awful and despicable he is. He was insensitive to your feelings then, and he is now impervious now when it comes to your opinion.


Usually, you’re trying to undo the past

What you really, really want is to undo the past. You’re seeking “closure” because you’re not done with him. You’re hoping that somehow, things can just go back to the way they used to be.

You can’t

You’ll sit across from this guy for hours, rehashing every single detail of the relationship. You’re hoping that you can get him to apologize for every little thing, and if he does, maybe you can find it in your heart to love him again. You want a reason (an excuse) to take him back. But deep down, you know you can’t take him back, and you’ll be even more devastated than you were before meeting up with him once you come to that realization.

You’re really just angry with yourself

Ultimately, when we look for closure from other people, it’s because we can’t find it within ourselves. We’re so mad at ourselves for letting someone hurt us so much and for so long, and we’re hoping they can make us feel better.




But he can’t help you

You have to find closure within yourself. The closure has to be that you respected yourself enough to end the relationship and walk away from someone who mistreated you. It’s never going to come from the outside.

So, enough already…

Enough with the, “We’re just grabbing coffee to find closure” excuse. Look in the mirror. Tell yourself you’re never going to let someone wrong you like that again because now you know better, and skip the secret meetings. If you’re lucky, he’ll apologize, but you won’t feel satisfied, and worse case scenario, he’ll hurt you even more.


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