What If Geraldo Rivera Had a Functioning Frontal Lobe?

We examine why Geraldo says what he says and does what he does.
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Geraldo Rivera has a question.

Wednesday night on Hannity -- the only show on cable hosted by a blathering bag of steaming pig shit -- a panel of four not-black people discussed black people and their relationship with law enforcement. At one point, Geraldo, channeling Morpheus from The Matrix, asked what he no doubt thought was a profound question that began, as many of them do, "What if...":

 "You know, I saw LeBron James on the night the [British] Royals watched the Cavaliers pummel the Brooklyn Nets, and he had a shirt on -- 'I can't breathe' -- the shirt obviously referencing Eric Garner, who was choked to death in that horrifying video that we all saw. I wondered to myself, what if LeBron James instead had a shirt, 'Be a better father to your son,' 'Raise your children'? Those difficult issues are not being dealt with by the black community..."

What if?

As a pundit who frequently discusses race issues, Geraldo is a strange creature, oscillating between say, praising Al Sharpton, and claiming that a hoodie was as much to blame for Trayvon Martin's death as his killer, George Zimmerman.

Nevertheless, Geraldo's comments raise a very important question:

What if Geraldo had a functioning frontal lobe?

Mind you, this isn't to say Geraldo is stupid. Far from it. Every day, we all have thoughts cross our minds that, were we to utter them in public would earn us some strange looks or maybe even an involuntary psychiatric commitment.

Recall that the frontal lobe is the part of your brain responsible for decision-making, problem-solving, and the regulation of purposeful behaviors, including the words that come out of your mouth. The frontal lobe once had an uncredited cameo in "The Apartment" episode of Seinfeld, during which Jerry explains to George his terrible decision to score an apartment in his building for his ex-girlfriend Elaine:

Jerry: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee, and in that second -- ruined my life.

George: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.

This would perfectly sum up Geraldo's pundit career but for the fact that his life isn't ruined every time he says something foolish. Instead, Fox News just keeps inviting him back to share his opinions.

And what opinions they are! To wit:

Geraldo once said that minorities embrace "the thug ethic." (Try saying that three times fast while not sounding like Daffy Duck.)

He also scolded President Obama, saying he shouldn't have gone golfing "with his old chums from the hood" (because as we all know, hood types love them some golf).

Then there was the time he said to a panel full of women, "What a woman brings to a marriage more than anything else -- to a relationship -- is her youth. Her youth is a fragile and, uh, and uh, diminishing uh, uh, uh, resource." (He actually might be on to something here, but still!)

And of course, who could forget, The Selfie?


Not bad for 71, but at the same time.... WHY?!?

Because Geraldo Rivera does not have a functioning frontal lobe.

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