Sunday, March 30, 2014

It's a rainy Sunday and I spent the entire day sleeping, brunching and now snuggling with an adorable puppy I stole from my friend and some lame Mac Nerd.

Not a Mac Nerd.

I really like the rain. As I typed that the apartment literally just lit up and I had a very literal flashback to my Mum always making us turn off the computer when there was that a real thing? Am I about to be zapped to smithereens? Oh well.

Back to my original statement, I really like the rain. It makes me feel cosy, I even wrote about it a few years ago on my old blog "Let me tell you Astoria" (from when I lived in Astoria...I'm so quirky and intelligent, keep calm). That site has since been shut down but I remembered that post and suddenly had this overwhelming desire to read them all. So I just spent the last 45 minutes scouring the internet for my archives and alas I found them and imported them into another one of my old blogs so I could read them...

It's honestly the most bizzare feeling. It's all so la-di-da, you can barely tell I was imploding.

It was only a few years ago now that I wrote those blogs, yet I feel like I don't even know that person. My first year alone in the city was both the best and worst time of my life all wrapped into one. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted, all the time. I was overstimulated and and probably a little overmedicated, I was so young, yet trying to fill the shoes of someone much older.

I lasted about two months in college before the darkside of the city took it's toll and I was forced to take a semester (or two...) off. I got involved with some of the best and some of the worst people I had ever known, some of whom seem like dreams as opposed to reality. I was riddled with anxiety attacks, afraid to go home at night and would instead choose to spend my nights either intoxicated and crying or wandering around until the business men appeared for work the next day.

People I met and became friends with got to know this weird altered version of myself and associated that to everything I was, forcing me to live this weird blurred existence and constantly feeling like a stranger. I struggled a lot. 

I liked to think I faked it well but looking back I probably didn't do as well as I hoped. The memory of sitting on a bench in midtown at 4am, crying to my friend Danilo because I was so emotionally exhausted and demanding him to hang up the phone is way to clear a memory for that first part to be true.

It's like when you tell a lie and you end up tangled in this web that you can't seem to unravel your way out of, but my whole personality around most people was a lie. The facts I was giving were true (although my hair was fake....I literally had a fake wig sewed/glued to my head....if that isn't a giant red flag I don't know what is) I never changed my name (half true...I did have a fake name for a while with one certain group of people but that's because I didn't want them to be able to find me...always a good sign...) or pretended I was royalty, but my personality was so foreign to me. I was so weak and fragile, I would let peoples words change who I was or how I acted, I befriended bad people, and I lost myself.

Little baby Jordyn....and little baby Jordyn's fake hair.

It's not that I had everything to hide, it's just that I was very confused, all the time. I didn't know what I wanted or where I was going, or who I was. I remember one morning leaving my friends apartment and spending about 15 minutes throwing up into the bushes (luckily nobody saw me...I don't think). I wasn't sick, I wasn't hungover, I wasn't anything. It's like my mind and body was just so tired and confused it didn't know what to do so it imploded on itself.

I'm going to stop rewording the same sentence over and over again now and simply end this here. I have since removed a lot of people from my life, changed my environment and what I was doing. I'm slightly less confused about life. I have re-prioritized a lot of things, and most importantly I'm happier.

Oh and it would totally make a killer memoir.

So there is always a bright side.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn (No seriously get me back to Brooklyn I'mexhausted)

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm exhausted. Do you know when you have those moments at around 3am when you decide to forgo sleep and just soldier through your day before instantly regretting it right before your alarm is scheduled? That was my night last night. Just as I was finally nodding off my brother called me and it woke me right back on up. My eyes are on fire and it's only 11:33am. Fantastic.

I'm currently curled up on a bench like a homeless person listening to Frank Turner and drinking a mochachino because the weren't selling espresso IVs.

Is it wrong to want to punch this squirrel right in his nuts? 

I'm waiting for my little sugar plum to come and get lunch with me. He is late...tardiness ain't cute dude.

Also, someone just asked me if I was looking forward to it snowing I'm sorry. What the heck did  you say? IT IS SPRING NYC! Get it together.

Wow I'm too aggressive right now....

It's almost like I need a nap or something.

I'm going to go book shopping in a bitter attempt to make my morning better..

I'm pathetic. 

I apparently also hate paragraphs.

Sorry not sorry.

Oh great and now my eyes are watering.

Pay no attention to the weeping, homeless girl....

Ok seriously fuck yourself squirrel.

Four year old Jordyn doesn't share friends!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

My exboyfriends new girlfriend who is a total sweetheart and doesn't send me mean texts 32 times a day or anything, has now successfully befriended two of my best friends...of alllllll the people in this city. I'm not saying I'm going to slaughter her and bury her in Central Park....I'm just saying I really, really want to slaughter her and bury her in Central Park...

A word to the wise, if you put as much effort into your relationship as you put into being a complete and utter bitch to his ex, then maybe your relationship would be better and maybe you wouldn't have to text said exgirlfriend all the time wondering where you boyfriend is.

Now, if you would please stop trying to turn everyone I love against me, that would be appreciated.

About as happy as Jeremy Clarkson on a vespa driving across Vietnam.

*That means miserable if you didn't get that reference.*

Firstly, here is a picture of myself at a happier time in my life. It has no relevance to this post but if I were to post one that did it would literally just be a picture of me crying and killing people with a machete (Dear the Government, I'm joking! I'm not going to kill anyone with a machete!)

This week I learned two very important things about myself. Firstly, I am very bad at being sick and secondly, I am really bad at living with people.

The first lesson struck me early on Friday morning, as a I sat in a heap on my bathroom floor projectile vomiting my life into the toilet (attractive, you are welcome). I cried my eyes out, I begged for whatever god was out there to simply end my life and after that failed I took a sleeping pill to try and sleep through the pain. Unfortunately, the pill managed to get about one fifth of the way down my esophagus before it came shooting back out again (ew, ok seriously, I'm stopping). I was miserable.

I spent the next two days laying in my bed, hugging my bathroom trash can turned puke bucket, moaning and groaning and whimpering and crying....I needed everyone to know how horrible I felt so of course I sent out many a woe is me text, because if my Mum isn't here to buy me Ginger Ale and pity me someone had to be.

That someone happened to be my friend Mason who after much reassurance that I wasn't going to throw up on him, promised to come over and keep me company. My request was crackers and Ginger Ale....he brought beer and pizza. Boys are dumb.

We then spent the next few hours continuing what I like to call "Jordyn makes Mason watch every Top Gear Special in the world, because they are hilarious and he is dumb for not watching them." All was good in the world. I was no longer a pity party of one and I had someone to rub my tummy....which I actually let him do because if there is one good thing about throwing up, it's the temporary abs.

It was 3am when we had finally drifted off to sleep when suddenly my 6th sense began to tingle. I swear on my life if someone is having sex even remotely near me I can feel it, I think it comes from years of living across the hall from my brother who was a huge fan of watching movies with excessive volume (TMI Sam? would you prefer I not spread your life online to random people I don't know? Well then maybe you should answer my crisis texts!) and someone was definitely having sex in my living room. This is where my second lesson came in.

I bolted out that door faster than you can say Quidditch. I didn't even care about the abuse my eyes were about to witness, all I knew was there were two strangers having sex on my poor couch who is not unfamiliar to this very scene. Lesson to all, if someone lets you crash at their apartment....DON'T HAVE SEX ON THEIR COUCH.

Anyway long story short (what a cop out sentence...but it's 5am and I'm exhausted, yet not asleep?) I lit that kids ass on fire. I gave him a lovely earful about respect and then posted up in the doorway waiting for him to leave many a moment later. I have no sympathy, I hope you go home with the bluest balls imaginable. I do on the other hand apologize to my roommate for putting him in a bad situation with my 3am rampage....and I would like to apologize to my couch for all the random hookups it has faced over the years...and also I would just like to publicly apologize to the girl, I'm sorry you went home with some kid who doesn't even have a bed to take you to and instead takes you to his friends couch. We all make mistakes girl, brush it off.

I finally retreated to my room to find Mason literally dying of laughter....

I'm glad my murderous rage is so hilarious.

The only good thing about being wounded in the buttocks is the ice-cream.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

On todays episode of adorableness with children....

I'm not as broody as this blog would make you believe over the last few days. I can't even handle a boyfriend without getting flakey and uninterested and running away like a big baby, I obviously can't handle a child! After yesterdays post about advice for my future daughter though, I figured it would be only fair to give her brother some advice as well....

Dearest male womb tenant ,

Always remember...
  • I may have birthed you but please don't pee on me....or anybody for that are not R.Kelly, get it together.
  • Don't ignore your family. You will want to, it's in your blood. But don't. One day we wouldn't be here and you will be I'm really nice and funny so you are missing out.
  • If your sister wants to hang out with you don't run away and leave her on the side of the street for her father to find on his way home from work (Ask your Uncle!)
  • Treat woman the way you would want your sister to be treated.
  • Girls can be really mean.
  • And a little crazy.
  • And they cry.
  • And they don't make much sense....
  • ...hopefully, you are gay.
  • All joking aside, if you are gay, just shoot me a text about it. Don't over analyze how it makes you different and know that it doesn't change a thing. Don't let it eat you up inside.
  • On the flip side if you are straight and you get a girl pregnant in high I'm coming for you.
  • Don't leave everything until the last minute.
  • Don't be consumed by the stigma that you need to be a provider and make lots of what you love and the rest will follow.
  • You will probably be're may be a ginger though....I'm sorry.
  • Be thankful the balding gene skips a generation....Apologize to your son and don't be mean to your uncle! He can't help it!
  • Skateboard. Girls love skateboarders....or not. Do what you love...I'm just saying, keep it in mind.
  • But really, do what you love. Just bare in mind that if your passion is ribbon dancing, your Granddad will make fun of you....actually he will make fun of you for a lot of things....he is like that. You learn to love him.
  • Be a gentleman.
  • Don't let people walk all over you.
  • Hold your own.
  • Stay away from drugs and prison.
  • If your friends think I'm cute, totally let me know because I'm going to be so far past my prime that I really need that reassurance....also, don't be a hater. I'm not like those regular mums, I'm a cool Mum (That is a movie reference you will probably never understand....damn son, I'm old!)
  • Don't be a slutty drinker.
  • Don't smoke. If I catch you smoking cigarettes I wouldn't make you smoke the whole pack or ground you...I will murder you.
  • Don't drink and drive.
  • Be the kind of man that is loved by his in laws.
  • Don't break anybody's heart.
  • Don't break anybody's jaw.
  • Don't break my windows playing ball in the front yard.
  • Don't be a bully.
  • Call your Mum.

Motherhood is hard.

Firstly, can we take a moment for this video please? I watch the Shaytards everyday. For those unaware of what exactly a "shaytard" is, essentially they are a family who have daily vlogged for the last 5 years, and essentially I love them....essentially. Whenever I try and explain how much I love them, I literally spend 45 minutes on a tangent of "I cried so hard..." "Oh my god it was so cute!"'s bordering on pathetic. I have given them 10-30 minutes of my life every day for the last 4.5 years....where was I going with this? What's going on? Who am I? I don't remember. Just watch this video and try not to cry at how adorably precious this is!

The whole time I watched it all I could think was dang I want a cute adorable child to do cute and adorable things! This obviously subsided pretty quickly because I'm too much of a little baby, alcoholic, sloppy, hot mess to even joke about these things for a good few years! Then I wandered on over to Thought Catalogue and this article popped up entitled 101 Things I Will Teach My Daughters and it got me thinking that one day I may have a little daughter who starts off precious and slowly grows into said 21 year old hot mess and now I'm incredibly worried for I made her a list of the things she should know...based on my own hot mess life.

*disclaimer: I don't actually want daughters*

*disclaimer #2: I should probably stop vocalizing that all over the internet just in case I do have one in the future and she thinks I hate her.*

*disclaimer #3: I'm sorry honey, I'm sure you are great.*

*disclaimer #4: Is your dad George Clooney by any chance?*

*disclaimer #5: Is it awkward having such a hot dad?*

Dear Darling Daughter,

Always remember...

  • You are never too cool to do anything. 
  • Speak truthfully, but don't use being honest as an excuse to be a bitch.
  • Don't hide the school lunches you didn't eat in your closet....seriously, that's really weird. Don't do that. 
  • Always speak from a good place.
  • Don't lead a guy on, regret it, insist on sleeping in the hallway (?) and then get mad when next time you hang out he doesn't try anything and instead gives you a blanket for the couch...seriously pull it together. 
  • Don't take your good friendships for granted. When you find a friend who stays up all night watching bad TV, thinks you are the funniest person ever, brings you food, listens when you speak, loves you even though you are kind of a crazy, hot, mess...don't let him/her fact...potentially just marry that person and call it a day!
  • Make an effort.
  • Don't be afraid to let people in.
  • Be inspired. 
  • Don't do water fasts, juice cleanses, or any other form of "make me skinny" torture that will make you hate yourself and harm your relationship with bagels.
  • Work hard: at friendships, jobs, relationships, school...everything, always.
  • Don't be too mad when your brother wouldn't talk to you for long periods of time because his "phone is broken" or he is "working all the time" or he "forgot"'s in his blood....permission to kick his ass: granted.
  • Don't leave everything until the last minute (although if you are my child, you have a natural ability to fall on your feet and pass that you are freakin' welcome!)
  • Don't fall asleep in the woods, cramped up on an armchair with a boy you went to high school with....mosquito bites aren't cute and you have work in the morning. 
  • Throw wild parties...but don't throw them in my house! Instead, just break into rich peoples houses while they are out of town...I'm kidding...ok fine, but clean up....ok I'm really kidding....but, don't get caught....ok but really don't.....but be safe.
  • If you are going to do anything dangerous or slutty...don't tell me about it....but be safe.
  • Skip class to go to the beach every once in a while....but be safe.
  • Stay away from drugs and whiskey. Individually or together....and be safe.
  • Get your wild party girl lifestyle out of the way early...then get your shit together.
  • Save money.
  • Don't date rappers.
  • Don't date athletes.
  • Befriend the party photographers...seriously just get on their good side. 
  • Don't compare your lifestyle to that of your will cry.
  • Always keep in mind that people are too busy worrying about there own shit to notice you falling down the subway stairs, but still get up really quickly because that's gross, you are lying in a bums urine. up, up, up.
  • Go and do it. Whatever it it. Unless we are talking about sex, then don't always do it. The heroin addict bartender? Don't do that. Backpack through Europe? Do That! 
  • Don't live with people you meet online.
  • Trust your heart.
  • Let people love you.
  • Call your Mum.

30 things I actually want to understand by 30.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

So I was on Buzzfeed, as I am most nights around 3am (I have to be somewhere at 9am tomorrow, remind me to add "How to go to bed at appropriate times" to the list) and I stumbled upon this article about the 30 Things You Thought You'd Understand By Age 30. Now, this was obviously written by someone who is already thirty, flirty and thriving so as someone in their early 20's, I appreciate being forewarned that I will still not understand what a 401(k) is by the time I'm a member of the dirty thirties. I'm fine with that, what I will not be fine with? Not understanding any of the things on this list that I have so aptly named, 30 things I actually want to understand by the time I'm 30.

1. How I can sustain my body on candy, wine and hugs.

2. Why I'm giving 95% of my paycheck to the government. #girlsjustwannahavefundz

3. Why certain people refuse to use headphones and instead choose to spew their terrible music all over a crowded subway car. It's not like they even get to enjoy the music more, they now look like a twat and they have to fight to hear their songs over the sound of a crying baby. Awesome bro.

4. If it is possible for me to employee someone to follow me around and play with my hair/massage my hands/tell me I'm perfect....but I'm going to need them to work for free because well, see #2. 

5. How to be as perfect as potatos taste.

6. Why Keeping up with the Kardashians is so addictive? Like I really don't want to waste my time with you...and then boom! It's 6am and I'm in some Kardashian Black hole (gross) and I don't remember what my name is.

7. Also, Chopped? Addictive, yet totally irrelevant to my life.

8. What men plan to gain from wolf whistling or yelling sexual comments on the street. If the answer to that is nothing, then you have cracked the code, keep going gentlemen.

9. Why bartenders are so attractive.Your whole career is based around making sloppy people sloppier....yet I want to kiss your face.

10. Why people under the age of 25 smoke literally your entire life you have been told that these things will murder you from the inside out, you don't have the excuse of ignorance like the older are literally just a moron. 

11. How to look like Miranda Kerr, be as hilarious as Tina Fey, and be as nice as Ellen Degeneres.

12. Why Casey Affleck is so utterly perfect.

13.  How people happily wake up early in the morning without an alarm clock. I need at least 4 different chimes, 5 minutes for internal crying, 7 minutes to complain about being de-slumbered and 10 minutes to lie with my eyes closed pretending I'm still married to George Clooney.

14. Somewhat related, how people don't mess up their bed sheets whilst sleeping! Growing up I was always in awe over my Mums ability to wake up in the morning with her covers still tucked neatly around her as she hadn't moved a hair. I on the other hand, toss and turn and kick and roll around...I gave my friend a bloody nose he says. I say he did it himself, he can't figure out why exactly he would smash his nose into my knee for fun. Hater.

15. How people enjoy the taste of vodka.

16. How to make Olive Garden salad dressing, so I can drink it straight for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

17. How to stick with something because it's only number 17 and I'm so over this already. 

Oh well.

My blog. My rules. Screw 30. 

I'm going to go eat yogurt. 


TL ; DR? Stream of consciousness

Sunday, March 16, 2014

After seeing me writing in my diary at a million miles a minute on numerous occasions, my friend was curious enough to ask what I was doing. Writing was my only response. She asked if she could read it and I was struck by the question. Read what? It literally had no purpose at wasn't a novel or poem, it was literally just my thoughts. I let her read it, and then I wrote this. I didn't write it to be read, so posting it here doesn't make sense but I wanted all of you readers who have never met me to understand I do more than drink alcohol and dream about George Clooney. 

I'm a thinker. 

I over analyze life, I reflect on everything that happened in my past, I break apart all my memories, good and bad and sometimes it boggles my mind so much I have to simply go to bed to shut it off.  I spend a lot of my time writing. Books and stories and memories and...well...everything. I have pages and pages, both digitally and physically filled with different things. I truly believe that I can solve all my problems. I believe that the power of my own mind is alarmingly strong. I believe happiness is a choice, and that the best way to choose it is to filter through the past and look at lessons learned.

When I feel alone, or happy, or sad, or excited, or confused, I just write...I write about nothing, nonsense, I ramble until I'm at an equilibrium. I filter my emotions into sense. I feel like a nervous old lady lying on a couch at her shrinks feet spewing off my thoughts until I come to a crystal clear moment brought on by my own brains obscure firings of information and fact. Except I'm my own therapist and my thoughts normally have less to do with life changing disasters and more to do with family, boys and bagels.

Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are too big for my brain.

Not in a scary or sad way, but in a sense that I put a lot of weight in others emotions.Sometimes I worry that I put too much power in other peoples happiness. I worry a lot about those I care for. If I love you, I will love you until the day I die and the most vital thing to me is that you find your joy and happiness in life.

That is one of only two things that truly matter to me. The second is that I'm honest with my emotions and that those who I love, know I love them.

Whenever I'm falling asleep at night and I remember I didn't reply to a text my Dad sent me about his lunch or his latest golf game, I have to reply even if I'm seconds from slumber because I never want him to look at his phone expecting a reply and to be without. I want him to always know I love him, I never want anybody to question if I love them because they probably mean more to me than most things and the thought of someone not feeling loved is something that I couldn't imagine.

I think it comes from two major things...

Firstly, growing up my Mum always told me she didn't feel like I appreciated her. We never told each other we loved the other, we did...we just didn't say it and now it's something I struggle with. Somewhere around the time self centered teenage Jordyn entered the scene we stopped saying those words, it didn't mean I stopped loving her, even though I was chin deep in my own drama to say thank you, or that I loved her, it didn't mean I stopped. 

The second thing was the boyfriend that honestly changed everything I was in the best way possible. 

When I was in my late teens I was involved in a very intense relationship. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't necessarily fun, but it was intense. It was a time that bonded me to this person, and him to me. We were both at pivotal, yet polar points in our lives and we went through it together. It wasn't the type of relationship you screamed from the rooftops, making this person a center of your existence, entangling them in every moment of your life. It was private. It was a relationship that was built for only two, it was for him and it was for myself, nobody else. 

Like all good things, our relationship came to a close. Like magnets flipped on their end we went from being alarmingly joined to being repelled at great force. We both moved in opposite directions and we found new momentum away from eachother,it was good for us. We were happy in our separation,and comfortable in the new relationship we had. We were no longer a unit, we were two separate beings, and things were better. It was at this time, when I had found happiness in myself, away from him that I realized all he did for me.

When we were together, I felt too young for the feelings I had and in turn I treated him terribly. I didn't let him know how much he was doing for me, it wasn't until I was a year out of the coupling that I realized how much it did for me as a person. I missed the appropriate time to let him know how thankful I was for him, how much he did and how much I will always love him for the person he is. 

When we were together I met someone else who also means the world to me, a person who was nothing more than a hook up at the time (yes, I treated my boyfriend that badly) but who helped me through the toughest of times literally without any effort, intention or knowledge he was doing it. We don't even speak anymore really, in fact we never really did at the time, which is why I'm so baffled by how much he means to me. It's honestly the friendship of mine that makes the least amount of sense to me. I don't understand why I feel so attached to someone I barely know, even all these years later. I don't understand why this person always feels so familiar and comfortable to me. These two boys (men?... I'm going to go with boys) helped me over a hurdle with little effort....They made a sad time, a happy memory. Good people are good.

It's weird how people can change you and make you feel like a stranger within the same old shell and when you look back on it all, you are still the exact same person, just better to have known them.

At the end of it all...I'm one of the simplest people I know (though I wonder if that's a common thought?) I have a weird life with a rollercoaster of experiences, I didn't have a normal childhood or a typical up bringing (if there is such a thing...) but I feel like I'm innately simple. The smallest things make me happy. Kindness from strangers, tulips due to their strong connection to the freedom of being 4 years old, my family and friends, terrible pop music, good wine....or bad wine for that matter. I'm not an onion. I don't have layers. I used to wish I was deeper and that I had this mysterious identity. I don't. Sometimes I'm so simple that people think I'm complicated...they are looking for this deeper side that isn't there. I like what I like, I'm not very complex and I'm starting to be very happy with that.

Hungover Brain.

Saturday, March 15, 2014


This is my attempted hangover cure. It's not working. Working all day on a Saturday is miserable enough add in a throbbing head and I'm an inch away from lying on the floor and refusing to move.

Last night I went to Staten Island and do you know what sucks? Staten Island. I'm sorry to anybody who is offended by such a statement but I mean, come on you know it's true. Luckily for me it was a short little expedition and I got to take a boat while incredibly intoxicated, which was fun. Oh and I got a free grilled cheese from a stranger at the bar! I think he thought if he ran home (aka next door) and made me a grilled cheese, that I would then melt to the floor and fall in love with him...he was wrong. I took it and skipped on back to my boat...sorry kind sir, you make a great sandwich but that is all our relationship will ever be!

Long story short, I spent my night on a shitty reject burrow eating strangers food and now I feel like I have been hit by a train. Life is a funny thing...

The best part about living on a struggle bus? My older brother also lives on a struggle bus and 5am is a great time to ask the crucial questions...


K, I need to go shot gun a Redbull and fake that I'm not dying....wish me luck.


These were the wake up texts from my boss. Professionalism ain't dead people! 

Stoop Kid Afraid to leave his Stoop.

Friday, March 14, 2014


I'm writing this from my phone, on my sunny stoop....eating a cupcake. 

I have come to the conclusion that if I have sun and some form of baked good then my life is just better.

Oh and cute boys. Today's cute boy?

Matty Dumplings, you are looking good today!

Oh and yes I am reading GQ...problem?


Thursday, March 13, 2014

Today was a good day.

It started off with one of my oldest NewYork friends bringing me my favourite cookies, because she is a sweetheart and I love her for it! That being said, if you live in New York and you haven't had cookies from Levains bakery, I'm going to need you to just go right ahead and strangle yourself. My friend Caitlin brought them into work at Lilly Pulitzer once and literally all day everyone kept running downstairs to sneaky snack because we are all the worst....speaking of, I miss those gals! I thought working with all females would make me want to skewer my eyes out, but they were definitely some good eggs!

After slowly eating my cookie, whilst trying to hide it from the cute waiter who could blatantly tell it was not from his cafe, I thought my day was made. I was wrong, whilst still surfing my cookie wave I proceeded to get four (four!) phone calls about internships and big girl jobs. I didn't realize how much I really needed that.

One thing I'm really struggling with right now is a feeling of fulfillment. I am content in my little ways, and in the position I'm in, but at the same time I feel like something is missing. I know I'm only inches into my 20's and I am right in the middle of the building block period, working my way into the real world, but I still don't want to feel like all my efforts are for nothing or that I'm working towards an empty space.

Long story short, I have internship interviews lined up all next week to try and bring on some motivation AND I already have an amazing PR job lined up for the summer that will allow me to spend my summer nights listening to music in Central Park....soooo I mean what's not to like?

My day took I slight dip when I had to spend 4 hours organizing mens underwear (see: unfulfilled), but luckily for me though, once it was over I got to take a trip to Pepperidge Farm for a healthy and nutritious dinner!

aka I had cookies for dinner.

On todays addition of "Things People Said to Me Today...."

"I like hanging around you Jordyn because you're like an ego boost, you always laugh really hard at everything I say." Fine, it's true! I find things way too hilarious.

"Why are you dressed like Wednesday Addams?"
"Or a toddler..."
"YES! That's exactly it! Toddler Addams!" Hey, hey, hey...fuck you guys!

"Wait your parents never smacked you as a child? That explains so much" ...Sorry my parents love me, dicks!

Honey Bunches of Good Choices.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I left the bar early because it is a Wednesday night and I am a grown ass adult with morals, a schedule and self restraint! Now, If anybody needs me, I'll be watching cartoons and drunk eating cereal out of a tupperware container from my bed.

Grown Ass Adult!

Cringey music is good for the soul.

I feel like as humans we spend a lot of time worrying about what people think of us. For a lot of us I'm sure it's not a major, soul consuming thing, but it's definitely there. For example; I've always loved some really cringe music but recently I've been listening to it so much so that I've made it into a playlist on my phone and spend more time then I would be willing to admit dance battling myself (I always win.) When asked what music I like I would never say these songs, partially because they really aren't my favourite and also partially because the fact that I love it so much is super embarrassing and you are all haters!

Anyway, I'm just going to get this off my chest now.

  • ABBA- Any ABBA song....ever.
I've said this before, but as a child my favourite album (or at least top 3!) was the ABBA gold album. I'm sorry you can hate on many things in my life but that is still my jam and you can all just sit down and never talk to me again. I started listening to it again ironically, but after remembering that I know every word and still remember my 5 year old dance moves, I completely forgot that irony was a thing.
  • Madison Avenue- Don't Call Me Baby
I'm a child of the 90's. Honestly what do you expect? No but seriously, don't call me baby, I don't know you, that's weird.
  • Annie Lennox- Walking on Broken Glass
Highschool Jordyn loved this song....literally I'm sure it was in my head for like 3 straight years of my life. The sweetest part of the whole ordeal was that my mum couldn't stand it, so I mean that was kind of satisfying.
  • Don Henley- Boys of Summer
Yeah, I don't really have anything to say about this I just really like this song. It reminds me of my stepmum, I'm not exactly sure why honestly....but there you go.

  • Kylie Minogue- Better the Devil You Know. 
One of my other favourite childhood groups (Steps!) did a cover of this song and my neighbour and I made up a dance routine, I still remember was a masterpiece.

  • Taylor Swift- Mean
I've never been the biggest Taylor Swift fan, sure I'll belt it out in the car but that's as far as I go. I started to listen this song though because I used to sing it to my exboyfriend when he was being a dick (sarcastically...I wasn't like crying on my guitar or anything dramatic....) and now I'm emotionally invested in you Tswift.

  • Digital Underground- The Humpty Dance
Anybody who knows me knows that I love 90's hip hop, I have zero shame in that....this is a little much though. Samoans do the humpty hump, do the, do the humpty hump.

  • J. Geils Band- Centerfold
My exboyfriend used to live with a guy who was one of my favourite people in the world for one simple reason, he, like myself, got obscenely obnoxious when he drank. Picture, if you will, 6am in a small Lower East Side loft, two drunk and uncoordinated folk break dancing and belting this out at the top of their lungs....I don't miss my ex that much, but I really miss those Nicky dance offs.

  • The Saturdays- Disco Love
It's never winter when it's Donna Summer all year long, simple as that.

  • The Bee Gees- Night Fever
When I was in High School I pretty much just never went to school, instead choosing to go to a local park with this group of homeless looking, stoner dudes and listen to The Bee Gees all day....seriously I make really good choices.

  • Merril Bainbridge- Mouth
Do you ever forget a song exists and then you hear it again and you are thrown through time to the back seat of your mothers Camry in '98? No? Only me? ok.

  • Kelly Clarkson- Please Come Home for Christmas
I love Christmas music. It makes my heart happy, therefore I listen to it all through the year. I was super late on the Wrapped in Red album but I've literally been listening to it on repeat for over a week...sidenote: I feel like she covered a lot of the songs that were on the Home Alone soundtrack...which is one of my favourite albums that I also listen to all year long...fact!

  • Steps- The Last Thing on my Mind 
I already mentioned Steps was one of my favourites. I loved them so much as a child, that when I was in high school my brother started to buy me their old album every time he saw it in a thrift store (travesty! Who would get rid of such a masterpiece?) I think he did it to be funny, but I genuinely had it in my car all through high school and I regularly blasted it, much to the dismay of my best friend.

  • Slim Dusty- Waltzing Matilda
What was that? I couldn't hear you over how god damn Australian I am.

  • No Doubt- Don't Speak
This shouldn't be here because it isn't embarrassing, it's 90's perfection and I will never deny loving old No Doubt, but I needed at least one saving grace! Also, Gwen Stefani....lets be friends! Teach me how to be so perfect!

P.S. Yes, my water is off again....

Things that make me cry #1

It's 6am and I can't sleep (shocking!) The biggest problem is that although I'm struggling to knock out, Mason drifted off just fine and now I'm forced to lie in silence and twiddle my thumbs. I was doing really well actually, just clicking about on my computer, doing crosswords, you know typical 4am activities...

Then I found this.

I'm not sure if it is my lack of sleep or the thought that I'm going to be a zombie all day so I might as well giggle while I can, but I honestly cried laughing. Thinking about it, that might have been because I was trying to be dead silent so I literally just kind of convulsed in hysterics, whilst also trying to be still as to not shake the bed and the sound and movement had no choice but to redirect to my eyes and alas...silent tears...or something like that.

The devil gets drunk on Mondays.

Monday, March 10, 2014

This morning I woke up and my water was off....again. It's almost comical at this point. Unfortunately though because I haven't stayed at home the last few nights I had forgotten that this hell was actually a reality, which means I was without my emergency bottles of water! To make matters even worse it felt like the Sahara Desert in my esophagus and the only things immediately available to me were a few bottles of some nasty lemon cleanse, my emergency bottle of orange soda and my emergency bottle of wine.

The moral of this story is that I drank wine for breakfast. Which made drinking mimosas at brunch on a Monday feel that much less inappropriate....

Sometimes I start a blog post and realize that I don't have anything of any importance to say aside from the fact that I wanted to point out I drank a lot before 11 today. Is that a bad sign?

Oh well, here is a selfie I took at work....I like it because I look like satan (also...chubby hands?) Enjoy. You can tell it's nearing the end of the work day because all my hair has gone north and made it's way into a giant disastrous storm of red and gold.I like to call it my, "Look how much hair I can pile on top of my head!" look...looking at it, it really shows off my ginormous forehead and my giant chicken pox scar that sits in the middle of said ginormous forehead and draws even more attention to ginormous forehead....I have a big forehead. Could be worse though, my brother has a huge forehead AND he's really I win in this genetic lottery.

Whilst going to find this photo I found this other photo I took today. My coworker was very upset that he didn't have any important, work related paperwork in his mailbox, leaving said mailbox empty and alone....I died.

Lastly, my dad doesn't support mine and George Clooney's deep and real love so I had to end the honestly broke my heart.

I've always been very fond of you will be missed.

It could be worse.

Even on my worst days I never have to wake up as Justin Bieber, so really I'm not doing so bad.

Give it a year.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

When I was younger I made a lot of big decisions on impulse. I lived in a constant bubble of "the grass is always greener" and no matter where I was I constantly pined for what I didn't have. When I was 11 my mother moved myself and my brother away from our home in Australia and settled in the USA, which gave me two homes, and a lot of options. I pin-balled between homes for a few years, even making the move to the other side of the country along the way. No matter where I was it seemed I wasn't content.

Now that I'm older and wiser (debatable) I still have those same unsettling thoughts that maybe I'm not in the right place, or doing the right thing but the wiser element of the equation has made a huge difference. Instead of biting the bullet whenever my mood shifts, I now have, what I like to call, a one-year-to-get-my-shit-together-plan.

For example, last January I went home to Australia for a month of sun, free alcohol and nothingness with my family, and at the time it was exactly what I needed. I needed to get out of New York, and be surrounded by people I loved and cared about. The flip side of this was that as soon as I returned to my apartment, I had this longing to be as far away from it as possible. Younger Jordyn would have begged to come home, forget this rotten American life and move away. Older Jordyn gave herself one year. A year to devote all my time to figuring out if New York was the place for me, get a new job, meet new people...get my life together!


Along the way, I decided that New York probably wasn't the place for me. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I have been a big girl on my own in this city since about a week after I turned 18. I've had a lot of amazing experiences here, I have great people here....but something is missing. On the flip side, I started to question if moving home to Australia was the best alternative.

I love my family more than anything and every time I go home to find that my four year old brother is now pushing 6' (now over 6'....I get it Matthew!) is rough. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot, and as someone who values relationships over experiences, it's a hard pill to swallow. Time isn't infinite and the thought of something happening to anybody whilst I'm so far away will never be an easy thought, but since I was 11 this is my life. I'm spread out, bi-continental, and that's just the way it is (things will never be the sammmmmme)

I have constantly had a list of places I wanted to live. I remember telling my step-mum at the age of about ten that I wanted to live in London, I love the idea of living in Nashville where everybody just seems nicer, or Seattle, or Sydney.

My only hesitation? I don't want to get lost in the whirlwind of looking to greener pastures in my past. I want to know for sure, not that where I'm moving is necessarily the place for me, but more importantly that I'm not leaving a place I belong. Yes, going back is always an option, but who wants to go backwards in a life that keeps hurtling forwards?

That is where my year plan comes back in. After a year of thought and action, I have decided that moving back to Australia isn't the right game plan right now, but recently I have had California on the brain. So what now? I give it a year. I live my life with the idea that next January, California will be my home. I budget and look towards that, and ultimately decide if it's for me.

Right now, nothing seems more right... but a lot can change in a year.

Sleepy Bones.

Easy like Sunday Morning.

So how was your day?

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Taken from my bed....I'm not in prison. I just have this nifty little flower window basket thing...I'm done explaining myself to you!

Oh good morning boys. You bought the digger today I see.... and your jack hammers? Splendid! Who needs sleep anyway! Oh and you shut my water off for the 12th day in a row? No problem at all! I honestly love brushing my teeth via a water bottle I stored at the back of the fridge because THIS IS THE 12TH DAY IN A ROW AND I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON!

Over it!

As you can tell my day started off amazingly....I awoke at the crack of dawn to the sound of the birds chirping loud construction workers and their even louder construction equipment. I was fully refreshed of course after my 3 hours of sleep. Curse you body clock!

I decided I should really dress for the occasion 

I call this look black lips to match my cold dead heart and the giant bags that have taken up residence under my eyes. My landlord asked me if I was feeling ok when I walked past him this morning, obviously my strung out look of utter exhaustion is going down a treat!

I then proceeded to spend my train journey listening to two girls discuss Chipotle Guacamole for 20 minutes....relentlessly....1200 seconds of Guac talk....I thought they ran out of steam at a couple of points during the debate but boy did they prove me wrong!

After shooting some espresso directly into my veins, I was lucky enough to spend the next four hours organizing shoes.....because if there is something I love!

       I call this picture- Shh I'm hiding in the shadows behind a fortress of footwear....snitches get stitches. 

Luckily for me, I got to leave before insanity truly set in and I hastily made a beeline straight towards the bar because if there is one thing I truly excel at, it is getting from work to alcohol in record time!

Another thing I'm good at? Getting free Subway cookies on my way home from said bar. Thank you kind Subway man for being the highlight of my day! I knew looking like I was dying would come in handy for something!

Another highlight of my day? My roommates words of wisdom. Love, relationships and the pursuit of happiness, this kid is good for it all.

Complainy-Complainerson. OUT!

You ain't about that corn life?

WARNING: I really need to stop late night blogging because it really is nonsense...nonsense I tell you!

It's 2:35 am and I'm currently sitting in my bed eating corn and on Wayne. 

The other night my roommates and I were in a very heated debate about communism, capitalism and the American dream (I'm not even fucking with you...we keep it political at 293) and one of said roommates became very alarmed when I de-husked an ear of corn and started eating it raw (oh, you thought this was going to be something profound? I said we keep it political at 293...this is not 293...this is my brain and nothing profound is happening in this beast). Is that weird? Is corn not meant to be consumed raw? Should I see myself out? Haters.

I just spent the last few minutes reading through the news headlines on some terribly written news website, isn't it crazy how many terrible things are happening right at this moment? It's eerie that this little blond girl gets murdered in cold blood and somewhere out there her family is distraught, trying to fathom live without her yet, as someone who doesn't know her, I barely flinch as I see her sandwiched between stories about Kim Kardashians latest booty shot and a picture of Harper Beckham who made headlines for simply wearing yellow. Life is weird, the things we become numb to are weird...weird.

This is getting heavy....

On a more light hearted note, I am currently watching The Descendants and I can clarify that I still find George Clooney almost alarmingly attractive....I don't know where you were up until two weeks ago George, but I'm very glad my heart finally woke up.

Sidenote: I don't live on Staten Island and I'm not sure why it says that...but I genuinely felt a strong urge to clarify that I don't live on Staten Island! In the words of the ever honest Jess Buckley, "It shouldn't even be a borough, it should just be an island!" 

Can we also talk about how this sign has been posted on my door for a week now? That's right I have been without water for a vast majority of the day due to construction. Speed up and ship out boys, I'm getting tired of you.

Ok fine, I'll really see myself out now...

The Sassiest kid in all the land.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

 Sometimes I wish I could have stayed this little Sass-Master forever. Adulthood is hard and sometimes I wonder if I am any good at it. I think I will enjoy my 30's....I plan to have it all figured out by then....fingers crossed.

Night Bunny Word Vomit.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

I have to be at work at 8am which means I'm slowly approaching that time of the night where I contemplate just forgoing sleep, a decision I regret every time yet can't seem to quit. Tonight I'm not sleeping.

I have come to realize my mind is designed to be awake during the night. It's as if once the sun has drifted away and the city has gotten one step closer to silent, my mind kicks into high gear and I find myself feeling the most content....content isn't the right word. It's more like honest. It's the time of the day where I feel the most comfortable being honest with myself. The time of the day where I can really think about what I want, what my next step is and who I want to be without any hint of question.

As I wrote this last part, a group of guys outside my window decided to blast some terrible rap song out of their parked car stereo and kick back on the sidewalk....I hate people. Literally this is the reason I know I could never live in New York forever. I like you New York, I do, but as a person who finds comfort in solitude and silence, you are just a few steps off my path.

I've been thinking a lot about my path recently.

As children we spend so long waiting for the day when our choices in life are our own. We can't wait to be able to have control over who we are and what we do, and then before we know it we have this moment of clarity and we realize that that time is now. I remember two years ago my ex boyfriend invited me to Florida for the weekend, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy shit I can literally jump on a plane and go to Miami for a weekend and I don't have to check in with anybody. Heck, every morning when I wake up and contemplate having cake for breakfast before realizing that I could totally do that, I have the same epiphany.

I can literally do whatever I want.

That is petrifying.

And that is why I'm so jumbled.

My ex-boyfriend once described me in a way that literally encompassed exactly who I am. It was after a pointless argument about nothing and everything. Point blank, I was being a bitch.

"You are so hard to deal with Jordyn. You're like Sunshine or a fucking storm. There is no middle for you. One second it's sunny and everything is amazing and the next second for no reason at all, showers."

I've come to realize that his very honest depiction of my being has a reflection in every piece of my life. One second I have so much direction, I'm blissfully driven and completely determined to fire off in a certain direction and then the next second I feel like my entire future is a big, black question mark.

That's kind of where I am right now.

Everything that used to make me happy just....doesn't anymore. I feel unmotivated and a little confused about what I genuinely want out of life. So naturally, in classic Jordyn fashion, I have found myself pushing people away....all people. Old friends, new friends, best friends, casual friends....everyone. It's like I'm in this period of lull and I just need to recharge and align myself, by myself.

I'm rambling now.

I'm not in a bad space, I may add. I have come to realize over time that even on my worst days I am never truly sad. I remember telling my mum once that even when I'm upset about something, there is a little voice in the back of my head telling me it will always get better. Even when I am my most pessimistic about the current situation, my mind is naturally built to be optimistic and naturally views every situation, good or bad, as matter how many times my naturally dramatic flare declares otherwise.

P.S. Isn't it weird how your problems seem so incredibly important to the world until you take a step back and think about how minuscule you are. It's so weird to think that every single stranger on the street has a mother, a father, happiness, heartbreak and a story, just like you. A story you will most likely never read, or even put a fingerprint on....yet to them it is literally the core of who they are. In the words of that terrible 90's jam by (according to google) bizarre, how bizarre.