Immigrants Will Have To Complete Assault Course

BROWN people who want to become British citizens will have to complete an army assault course and prove they can juggle, the home secretary announced last night.

Immigrants will get 30 seconds to memorise the place setting

The citizenship candidates will also have to lay-out a place setting for a four-course meal including soup, fish, and dessert, and then drink a glass of white wine while trying to eat three different items from the buffet.

All very brown and muslim applicants will have to pass a mental agility test using a flight simulator to land a Boeing 737 at Heathrow while resisting the temptation to smash it into Canary Wharf.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "Candidates will be asked to memorise a picture of a series of coloured blocks and then answer a series of easy questions about them such as 'what is the colour of the block two to the left of the block to the right of the green block?'

"They will then be shown a couple of video clips featuring that clever bloke, did all the improv shows, was in everything and then went bonkers, you know Stephen Fry's mate, after which they will have to identify six easy continuity errors."

She added: "Everyone will have to complete the assault course, including cargo nets, tyres and rope swings.

"Families from the sub-continent will not be allowed to help their fat grandmother over the wall. If she can’t climb it, she’s not coming in."

Finally, hopefuls will face a quickfire general knowledge round on how the British Empire destroyed their country, followed by a series of trick questions on the UK benefits system.