Thursday, March 31, 2016

sometimes i feel too many feels.

There are days when I just want to cry and I don't feel like talking to anyone. Those are the days when I probably should talk to someone. I can't rationalize why I feel the way I feel and neither can my poor husband who tends to look at me like I'm completely insane when this happens. His understanding of anxiety and depression before meeting me was very little and although I can tell that he is trying to understand, he still doesn't quite know how to act when I feel like this. All I want are hugs and for him to tell me that everything is going to be ok and I'm just fine the way I am.

I'm not sure why, but my dips into the pool of anxiety and depression seem to often coincide with him feeling overwhelmed with the things that are bothering him. Me already being in my feels makes me a really bad person to bounce these thoughts off of. It only overwhelms me more and then I feel guilty for not being a better sounding board for him when he's feeling overwhelmed. I don't know the answer to this.  I think the answer is that I probably need to start seeing my therapist again.
(P.S: Therapy is great. If you haven't tried it, I highly encourage you to try that shit. It works.)

image by: Gemma Correll

I have PMDD (premenstrual dysmorphic disorder) and PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and I know that a lot of my anxiety and depression issues are hormonally related. As much as I try to prepare myself around the time I know that I will be experiencing higher than usual levels of feels, sometimes I'm not prepared. On top of my mental health being less than optimal at this time, I get wicked migraines, cramps, and nausea/vomiting.

I spent the last two days throwing up and in bed with an icepack on my head. It's not the greatest feeling in the world. On top of literally feeling awful, the guilt of being incapacitated and not able to function for at least two-three days per month eats at me. I feel like I'm letting down everyone around me by not being able to physically or mentally handle what I go through every month.

I know that I need to start being more responsible for my physical health and contributing towards being a healthier individual. I feel guilty about that too. I'm going to actively start making changes in my life towards this goal. This blog is actually a great forum for me to keep myself accountable for the progress I'm making on this goal, but before I started my accountability process, I wanted to give a shout out to everyone who has ever felt this way. I know I can't be alone, although there are so many days when it feels like it. If you're going through this shit too, you're not alone and stop feeling guilty (I need to take my own advice).

P.P.S: Love yourself and those around you. It certainly can't hurt to be a little kinder.

maisy ann
Wednesday, March 30, 2016

choosing your wedding venue and date

The first two questions that everyone is going to ask you when you get engaged is, "oh my gosh what's the date and where are you getting married??" It's like people expect you to have it pinned down within 24 hours of your engagement. Realistically, though, venues can be fully booked up within 12 months of your engagement date so if your heart is set on a specific venue. It's time to get it locked down.

My best advice, unless you have a specific date that is special to you, is to have a date range in mind that you want and plan around your venue. I fell in love with a venue more so than a specific date. We also had to take into consideration the different seasons that our venue incurred. The different seasons affected the prices of hotel rooms for our guests and the availability of room blocks at certain locations.

disney's wedding pavilion
Our wedding venue: Disney's Wedding Pavilion at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa
Photo by: Austin Trenholm Photography

When selecting your perfect venue these are some of the things to take into consideration:

  • Price:
    • Different venues will charge different rental fees. We found these to be anywhere from free to $7,000. Is the venue that you're looking at really worth what you're about to pay for it? If it's super expensive, are they providing you with a lot of services to justify that amount of money?
  • Restrictions: 
    • Does the venue that you're looking at restrict you from doing anything that you absolutely have your heart set on? Read your contract carefully. 
  • What are you going to have to bring in from outside and what's provided?
  • Does this venue match the look and feel that you want your wedding to have?
  • Do you have to use a specific caterer? What's the bar situation?
    • If you have to use a specific caterer, do they have good reviews? 
    • We completely ruled out a venue because they only did a bill-on-consumption (BOC) bar. If you have friends or family members that enjoy their cocktails, a BOC only bar is probably not for you. 
  • Logistics
    • Nearby hotels
    • Nearby airports if you have a significant amount of out of town guests
    • Transportation:
      • Will your guests need transport from the airport to the hotel or does the hotel provide that? 

There are lots of other factors that you could take into consideration when choosing the venue and date for your big day but these are the ones that felt the most imperative to me when making my decision!

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

well, i guess this is growing up.

I'm turning thirty in four days and I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have had so many birthdays where I just haven't felt like celebrating. There were a good number of years where life to me was more about surviving than thriving. I lost a lot of loved ones and just had a lot of life stress on top of grieving. I survived, though.

I've always tried to take a positive attitude when life is tough, but sometimes it is really hard. When things start to pile up on each other and it feels like nothing is going your way, it really tests you. It has brought me a certain anxiety that I deal with now when things are going well that fears when everything is going to go to hell again. As time passes though, the anxiety lessens. I'm sure the meds help too, though.

This past year has been nothing short of amazing though. There's a clarity that comes with each passing year that you gain more life experience. It's hard to explain. It's like the wisdom of time allows you to really prioritize what is important to you and what you allow to bother you. My struggles made me stronger, they built me brick by brick into the person that I am today. I own my past--and not the other way around. Don't get me wrong, there are certain battles (my anxiety, for one) that I'm still fighting, but rather than ignoring them like I used to--I fight them head on, each and every day.

I have a lot to smile about these days, though. When I get overwhelmed or I'm having a tough day, I consciously remind myself of that. My husband motivates me to be the best version of myself and that's something that I'm going to work on in my thirtieth year. I finally feel like I'm standing on stable ground and I'm ready to build a life on that ground.

If you're going through a rough time and need some encouragement, I hope this serves as some sort of proof that it does get better. It will get better. Keep your head high and continue to make the effort to be grateful for everything that you do have. Gratitude will save you.

As for me, I'm going to attempt to make every day from here on out a celebration of the fact that I'm alive and surrounded by so many amazing people. Just like the rent is too damn high guy advocated for lower rent, I'm going to advocate for the world to be a kinder, happier place...because life is too damn short.



Saturday, March 26, 2016

being an adult is scary.

The title of this post could have been so many things:

  • "My husband is a certified grown up and he wants me to be one too."
  • "I shop at Target too much."
  • "...but that dress is SO cute!"
  • "Oh my gosh, that Groupon for archery classes is a REALLY good deal!"
  • "I ate chocolate chip cookies for breakfast."
  • "I'm going to an eye doctor appointment with last night's eyeliner on."
The whole point of this is that I'm less than a week away from turning 30 and I feel like I need to get my shit together. I cut myself a break because I was planning a wedding, "working" on my dissertation, working full-time, and president of the student government association at my I kind of let a few other things go.  We're gonna break this down into a couple categories: physical, mental, and financial.
Let's not beat around the BMI is not exactly what the CDC would call "healthy." I have never been a thin human being but at one point in my life I was a lot healthier. I have been eating pretty much whatever I want since my wedding and I feel awful. My dogs woke me up in the middle of the night last night and I think I've had half a two liter of diet mountain dew this morning. That's probably not the answer. I haven't been to the gym in.....yeah I don't even know. I am tired ALL the time. Oh yeah, and I have gummi worms in my know, just in case. So, something should probably change. 

I'm a lot better than I once was, but I've still got a long way to go. About a year and a half ago, I got real about my mental health. I was struggling with undiagnosed anxiety and probably occasional bouts of depression. The depression was something that I never got real enough with admitting to myself or anyone else at that point. 
I am the classic definition of an extroverted introvert, which I think confuses a lot of people. When I'm surrounded by my best friends I'm comfortable and happy, but being around a lot of people, especially people I don't know is straining and exhausting to me. It's not meant to be offensive, it's just how I'm wired. I find myself needing more and more time to recharge from social interactions and it's concerning to me. It's not how I want to feel. I started anxiety meds and they have been making me feel a lot better, but it's a constant struggle. It's not something I talk about every day because I feel like it's a weird topic to bring up in conversation and it makes people feel awkward. If somebody mentions the topic though, I own it. I hope that by doing that, somebody who is in a similar position to where I was a couple years ago will realize that they're not alone and get help. 

I don't have what you would call...a budget. My husband is a legit financial wizard. I'm sure he would really like me to be better in this arena. I have been really making an effort to be more fiscally responsible. Until I'm making more money, I probably need to stop spending as much...and even then, my shopping should probably be budgeted. Oh wow, did I really just say that? Ugh, maybe I am growing up.

Looking at my bank account gives me even more anxiety than I already have because even when I have a fair amount of money in it, I fear that it's not enough. So up until this point, I've basically just been blissfully ignorant as to what I spend in a month. I have alerts set up from my bank for when I spend more than a certain amount, but otherwise, I try not to look at it. That's probably not good.

I'm going to start utilizing the Mint account that I created a long time ago and set up a budget for myself. I want to be a better grown up and ease some of hubs' worries. I want to start saving money for our future and getting prepared financially to start a family. It's scary but it's worth it.

I'm going to set some goals for myself in these three areas over the next few days and then actually hold myself accountable for these goals this time. The free-spirited days of my twenties are coming to a close and it's time to start taking care of myself and my bank account. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

you said yes! now what?

Being a newlywed has its perks. You're at the height of your love for your partner, you just got a shit ton of wedding gifts and you finally have a matching set of dishes....and you're done with all of the planning. I learned so much while planning my wedding--and now you get to benefit from it. Each week, I'll be doing #weddingwednesday on the blog, showcasing vendors and giving you tips and tricks for making your big day the best day ever.  For those of you who aren't Disney brides or who are Disney brides having at-home celebrations, don't worry I'll have plenty of advice for you too! 
I had my dream day and I hope to help you have yours too!
maisy ann

trenholm photo wedding
Father/daughter wedding day moments. All photos by: Austin Trenholm Photography

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

an open letter to all of humanity

As images flood my tv screen of people rushing out of a smoke-filled building (again), I can't help but wonder how human beings are capable of this kind of hatred. I'm kind of a news junkie so I have CNN on a lot. I'm starting to wonder if people are getting desensitized to all of this violence. It's on ALL the time, because it is happening ALL the time. Major networks haven't even covered all of the terror attacks that have happened this year. We seem to only care about the attacks in the western world. What about Turkey and Ivory Coast?

According to a list on Wikipedia (with verified sources), according to the above matrix there have been 223 separate terror attacks in 2016. That is astonishing, in a really terrible way.  I'm not going to use this post to talk about politics. There's enough of that going on. This post is to urge you to do something. Do something kind for someone. At the risk of sounding really cliche, the only thing that can drown out all the hate is love. 

The solidarity in the #prayforparis, #prayforbrussels hashtags and pictures are great, but I'm sick of seeing hashtags with no action. Go be kind to someone. Give someone a compliment. Donate to a charity if you can. Open a door for someone. It doesn't matter how small the act, they all add up.  Don't let the fear breed hate. I urge you, go and love each other. We may have lost humans today, but don't lose your humanity by closing off your hearts because of your fear. 

maisy ann

Monday, March 21, 2016

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Sunday, March 20, 2016

adult easter baskets should always have booze

My head is aching. I'm exhausted and can barely form legible sentences. It's been a long week in our household. Alfred has been howling around 2:30am every night, Tucker has had diarrhea and has been having accidents in the house (the largest dog diarrhea I've ever seen), and hubs has been sick. He's been coughing all night long making noises that I can only imagine sounds like what a stegosaurus would sound like as it wails in pain during its final moments. 

adult easter baskets should always have booze. 

I gave Mike his Easter basket early today because he's going to be away at a bachelor party this weekend during actual Easter. Easter baskets are a tradition that I hesitate to give up, simply because I really enjoy compiling gifts in basket form. I'm not sure what it is about the basket that I love so much, but it's like a compilation of awesomeness all neatly packed into an easily carryable device. What's not to love? 

It's 8:30pm and I'm in bed, completely ready to pass out. For someone who has had some serious issues falling asleep in the past, I don't know whether I should consider this a good thing or just consequences of my serious sleep deprivation from the week. Someone think happy thoughts for me that no dogs have diarrhea or decide to howl in the middle of the night...and that my husband's pterodactyl cough doesn't keep me up all night. 

Saturday, March 19, 2016

you've got that james dean daydream look in your eye

I had a dream the other night that I was best friends with Taylor Swift. We were just driving around talking like we had been bffs forever and I woke up so happy. Considering I usually have terrible weird dreams, it was a really nice change to have a pleasant weird dream. 

My sister and I went to see T-Swizzle live last Halloween in Tampa and the video during this performance struck me as so artistic and beautiful. In honor of my ridiculously awesome dream, here's my favorite Tay Tay video for your viewing pleasure. Watch Tay slay: 

i want my cake errryday

One thing you'll probably realize quickly is that 90% of my post titles are from rap songs, quotes, puns or things I've heard somewhere that I think are funny. Extra points if you leave me comments telling me where my post title is from. You won't win anything, I'll just know that you're extra cool. 

My 30th birthday is rapidly approaching. I like to go big with birthdays. I feel like any excuse you have to celebrate the fact that you're alive and you've made it through another year should be maximized. I can't figure out what to do, but my favorite thing is to try to create some sort of unique experience for the celebration. This doesn't always happen due to time constraints depending on what's going on in that particular year, but this year, being that it's my 30th, I really want to go all out. Being that we just got married, neither of us have a ton of time off of work (or cash), so an elaborate trip is kinda out of the question. This is where getting creative is important. I've got a couple weeks to figure it out and I'll be updating on my birthday soiree extravaganza progress! Ideas are welcome in the comments section also! 
Friday, March 18, 2016

just throwing it out there

I just got married. My house is a mess. I should probably be writing my doctoral dissertation right now, but I’ve been contemplating diving into the blogging world for a long time. Now seemed like a great time.

My first thought when deciding to do this was, “do I have to start wearing makeup and actually doing my hair…”

There are so many bloggers that seem like they've got it all together. If you're reading this blog thinking this will be similar, you should probably stop reading now. This blog promises to be the (hopefully somewhat cohesive) ramblings of an almost 30-year-old, A.D.D. diagnosed, doctoral student & mom of two crazy doodles. I vow to promote self-love, loving your neighbor, and not to mask the imperfections of my everyday life. It's not always pretty, but it will always be real.

Thanks for stopping by and leave me some love in the comments section if you feel so inclined!