

Hey Ass, I read your Roommate Confession. By now you've probably landed in France, or England, or wherever you said you were backpacking. I'm sure you've opened your suitcase by now. Don't worry, all your belongings are safe in a box in my closet. Enjoy the 18 rolls of toilet paper, pack of smokes, picture of your sister in a bathing suit, and blow up man-doll-in-a-box and international calling card with 4 minutes remaining. Hopefully the envelope with Euro in it wasn't for incidentals or a place to sleep. Don't make stuff up on CollegeHumor and this won't happen. Good luck buddy! You're gonna need to do some real MacGyver sh*t to figure this one out.
Driscoll C. from UNH

I happen to have two laptops and shared the older slower laptop with my room mates. They started treating it like their own personal computer. Downloading stupid games complete with viruses, shovel were & crap. Going as far as taking it out of the house and sharing it with friends. Both had zero computer skills, and I had gotten tired of having to clean up their messes week after week. Finally I wrote a program that gave them the blue screen of death as soon as they turned on the computer. No matter what they did, up came the BSoD. They asked me to fix it, not realizing that I HAD. I told them they must have downloaded a virus that killed the laptop. After playing around for a bit I claimed to be stumped & took the box to my room and put the laptop in my bureau. Refused to let them use my other laptop, telling them I was afraid they would damage that one as well. Is it bad to say I almost enjoyed watching them crash & burn for the lack of a computer?
Jan D.

I have this roommate that drives me insane. He smokes pot in the house, even though he agreed not to before he moved in. He makes huge messes of the house and never cleans up after himself. This guy left my pan dirty for so long that it started to rust, even though I told him to clean it after it had been sitting for a few days. A couple months ago, he and I were talking, and he told me he doesn't file any income taxes because he believes they are unconstitutional. What a silly hippie. This week, the straw that broke the camel's back finally came: I was eating at the kitchen table, he came in the kitchen, opened the fridge, and started scratching his but. Not a minor cheek scratch mind you; this was a full on butthole contact scratch. After this scratching while gazing into the fridge, he reaches in and starts shuffling things around with his stinky hand. The moment his hand touched my milk, it was over. I just filed the paperwork to notify the IRS of his failure to pay.
John S.

My roommate was a nice guy really, but kind of a shut in. Instead of going out he would stay in all night and "work" (he's premed, so it checked out, those poor bastards are really busy) that is until I got a little suspicious and after much poking around I found out he liked to stay in and whack off. And that's not the worst part, he would whack off to pictures of the Sprouse twins from the Suite Life. He's 20 years old and he loves that show!! I found out he kept a CD case with home burnt DVDs of his favorite episodes and all sorts of movies that the Sprouses were in so I replaced one with another one I made where I replaced the voice of one of the twins with my own, saying things like "Dude, some horny bastard is watching" or "do you hear those thumping noises… sounds like someone is whacking the meat." Needles to say, he was very embarrassed, but I assured him no one else knows (except for maybe all my friends!).
Cole S. from a College in Maryland

Last weeks submission by "Dimitri B. from Hope- was a fake. He stated "The first thing I did was replace his lamp bulb with one that would explode (lower wattage than the lamp)". A lamp has a wattage rating on it to dictate the MAXIMUM wattage of a light bulb that can safely be put in it. If you put a higher wattage bulb in there it could draw too much power and over heat the wires or create too much heat in the lamp shade. In either case it is a matter of fire/burn safety. If it was a lower wattage bulb it would have higher electrical resistance which means it uses less electricity so subsequently less light and heat is generated. Don't believe me? A common desk lamp can have a max of 75 or 60 watt bulb rating when using an incandescent bulb. Put 13 watt "energy saver- fluorescent bulb or a 30 watt incandescent bulb in its place. It didn't blow up did it? Don't make up stories and ruin this shit for the rest of us. Douche. P.S. I am a licensed electrician.
Nate Dogg

You were a generally bad roommate and possessed all the stereotypical bad roommate qualities, so I used to replace your weed with McCormick spices and dried tea leaves. Sorry.
Jay B. from RIT

My ex roommate had sticky finger syndrome, stole my rent money, stole my clothes, any form of ID, girly stuff, anything she could. Well, when the landlord posted up our eviction notice telling us to get our stuff and to get out, I took it upon myself to take everything. I took all my stuff and everything she owned. Taking the sign with me. Two days later she called me freaking out, and I sent her a pic of the sign. She still to this day thinks the landlord took her stuff. Karma's a bitch.
Liz P. from SCF

Me and a friend went to a bar one night and 2 of the snarky little, better than you, cheerleaders were there. My friend and I were just trying to relax and play some pool, in our work clothes, when the Snarky sisters started pointing laughing and making jokes about us under their breath. At this point, I asked my friend to join me in the bathroom to ask if she still had the itching powder she had bought the day before for a joke. We pocketed enough TP to get us through the night, pulled out about 6 feet of TP, sprinkled it with itching powder and rolled back up. The rest of the evening was very entertaining.

My roommate was a wicked D-bag. He felt entitled to everything but did nothing. He was arrogant, ugly and totally full of himself. He never contributed anything to the house whether it was food, furniture, appliances, help fixing things, painting, basically anything. Anyways, he always uses the same large Reese's mug because he never washes anything else, so for about a week straight I would pee in the mug, dump it out then put it back in his cabinet. I saw him using it multiple times afterward but perhaps the funniest was when he was having a "intense" P90X workout (for fat people or non athletes) and he was doing these fairy little side steps that his dumpy body couldn't comprehend how to do properly. He was about to pass out and couldn't finish the workout (meanwhile his horse looking gf, whose also embarrassed by him was having a good laugh at his effort) so he downed what was left of the glass and proceeded to refill it for another full glass. Mmmm salty.
Bob L. from UMass

D.L., remember stealing rent money from your roommates while we were out at the bars, and blamed it on some mysterious person who came into the house while you were watching TV in your bedroom, but you couldn't see them because you weren't wearing your glasses? We didn't believe it and neither did the police. But that's okay; before you moved our weeks later we got our money's worth in return: remember the party we had and you were drunk, stumbling down the stairs and passing out on your green piece of shit couch? We sure do. It's too bad you don't remember everyone taking turns slapping their dicks on your face while you were passed out, jackass. Feel the burn!
G.S. from U of York

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