Tantrums: A Cry for CONNECTION

Parenting is tough as it is. Then suddenly as time trickles on, our little babies grow into independent explorers trying to make sense of the world they live in. When working with parents with toddlers or preschoolers, the biggest worry is how to handle their child’s tantrums.

Let’s understand tantrums first. What is a tantrum? It is a very physical expression of stress. Something has happened to cause a child to feel overwhelmed with feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment. Suddenly, the stress hormone, cortisol, floods a child’s brain and this state is unbearable for children. They will feel out of control and even as adults, we know how scary that feeling can be.

The first mistake that parents often make is to discipline a child when they are having a tantrum. When a child is experiencing all these feelings as well as an influx of cortisol, their cognitive ability is compromised. This means that a child is unable to reason during this time. Instead, what they are experiencing is that their feelings are dismissed and are intolerable to the parent as they cannot be held by the parent.

In many of the parenting talks I give about Positive Parenting, I start with discussing the ‘dance’ that a baby and mother have. This is a very important process for a child to feel contained and safe. When a mother holds a baby, she may gaze into her baby’s eyes. The baby may then respond with a sound or looking back. This is connection. When the baby cries, the mother picks up the baby and softly soothes the baby with her eyes, tone of her voice and the way she holds the baby. The baby’s anxiety has been held and the baby has now learned that they are safe. This very interaction matures with time as that baby grows. When the baby is now a toddler and having a tantrum, the mother needs to ‘hold’ the baby parts of their child for them to feel safe. This is not an easy task when your child is throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store. For parents who have not been able to safely express their anger as children, this is a very scary interaction so naturally, parents try and discipline which is in fact dismissive of those angry feelings.

So what do you do? When your child is throwing a tantrum, you need to remember that this very moment is terribly overwhelming for them. You get down to their eye-level and just like how you would respond to them if they were hurt, you look at them with concern, have a gentle tone of voice and reflect the feelings behind the tantrum. Statements like this often work well:

  • “Oh Hannah, I can see just how cross you are right now. You are showing me and I can see it. It is making you so upset that Mom said no and won’t buy you that toy. It feels unfair”
  • “I can hear that you are so cross right now. Maybe even a little sad that this is what happened. Sad and cross feelings can feel very scary and mommy/daddy is right here. Why don’t we hug this out and then jump around to get the sad and cross feelings out?”

Reflecting the feelings is the act of connection. Your child feels understood, therefore they no longer need to ‘show’ you their feelings by having a tantrum. Moreover, it is important to reflect the feeling, and if they are not ready to be hugged, you get them to move around to help model healthy ways to deal with anger. If you are not home, star jumps, frog jumps or a quick little race can help. If you are home, jumping on a trampoline, swingball, throwing or kicking a ball with you are other activities you can do. You can see that ‘time-out’ is not a step as when a child is overwhelmed and having a tantrum, they NEED you and not to be cast aside to “think about what they have done” on their own. This exacerbates their feelings of being dismissed and now feeling abandoned.

Now is when parents ask me: “okay so then do we not discipline them?”. Boundaries are vital. Positive parenting is not about letting your child roam free and do what they want. It is about moving away from punishment and introducing responsibility. So, once your child has calmed down, you can then begin the reasoning process. Example: “Hannah, you have to brush your teeth every night so that we can make sure they are very healthy. I know that when it is teeth brushing time, it means that it is bed time and maybe you wanted to spend more time with me and dad/mom. So tomorrow night, if you decide to brush your teeth when we ask you too, you can choose two books for us to read together.” So, what you have done, is reflected why she may have felt the way she did and you have come up with a solution for next time by instituting a choice. Choices are very powerful parenting tools as they not only teach responsibility but they are empowering as they help your child to feel in control. Another example: “Hannah, I can see that when we go to the shops together that you want the toys we see. Sometimes, as your mommy/daddy I have to say no because the toy costs too much money. So next time I go to the shops, you get to decide that if you come with me to the shops, that we are not buying toys but we get to spend time together or you can stay at home and we will spend time together when I get back. What do you want to do? Now remember, if you choose to come with me and you get upset that I can’t buy you something, this means that next time I can’t bring you to the shops with me. Its up to you!”. So now you have put in a boundary and created a choice.

So remember: stop, remember a tantrum means a cry for connection, reflect the feelings, give a hug, do an activity and then when your child is calm, explain the boundary.

Children who feel connected to their parents will want to please their parents and if you can find moments in your day to truly connect (play or talking), your children are less likely to act out.

7 Tips to Stay Cool when Your Child Acts Up

(Taken from ahaperenting.com)

 “Let it go. The moment you feel your hackles rising, let it go. If you let it upset you, what follows is anger, and to quote Yoda, that leads to the dark side…. Notice … and interrupt it. Find your own way of accepting things with grace.”  — Steve Errey 

All parents get angry at their children. There’s nothing wrong with feeling anger; anger is a message. The problem is that we can’t hear that message clearly while we’re angry. In the heat of the moment, we’re in fight, flight or freeze. And when we’re in “fight,” our child looks like the enemy. So we think the message is that we should vanquish the enemy — our own child!

In fact, the message when your child gets upset is that he needs your help, even if he’s being totally difficult. Maybe we need to put him to bed an hour earlier, or connect with him more, or simply make it safe enough for him to cry and show us all those tears and fears that are making him act out. But we can’t understand or act on that message when we’re triggered. Staying cool is essential to actually solving the problem, instead of making it worse.

So how can you stay cool when your kid acts up?

1. Notice that you’re getting annoyed. 

Sometimes, we don’t notice until we’re already on the dark side. But usually we can see our annoyance building, because we start gathering kindling. What do I mean? We start reviewing all the reasons we’re right and our child is an ungrateful brat. Once you start gathering kindling, it’s hard to avoid the firestorm. So as soon as you notice that your mind chatter about your child is negative, STOP. Drop your agenda (Just temporarily.) Take a deep breath to stop the runaway train of your anger.

2. Use your inner pause button. 

Even if you’re already well down the wrong path and you’re yelling, STOP. Take a deep breath and hit the pause button. Close your mouth, even in mid-sentence. Don’t be embarrassed; you’re modeling good anger management. Save your embarrassment for when you have a tantrum.

3. Take Five. 

Don’t try to address the issue with your child while you’re angry.  Calm down and get re-centered so you can actually hear the message behind your anger. Are you frightened about your child’s behavior?  Resentful toward your partner?  Exhausted and stressed out so you’re over-reacting to your child’s normal age appropriate behavior?

4. Feel the emotions in your body. 

I’m not suggesting that you swallow your anger, just that you resist acting on it. Instead, notice the anger in your body. Really feel the tightness in your belly, that suffocating feeling in your throat. Breathe into those tense places. As you simply open to the feelings in your body, you’ll feel them beginning to shift and melt. That’s the secret of mindfulness — once we sit with those emotions, just accepting them with compassion, they melt away.

5. Shift your state. 

Now, reframe your thoughts about the situation and you’ll find that you have different feelings. If you’re thinking that your child needs to be taught a big lesson right now, you won’t be able to calm down. If you remind yourself that she’s acting like a child because she IS a child, and that she needs your love most when she seems to deserve it least, you’ll be willing to shift out of anger.

6. Try a Do-Over. 

Tell your child that you’re sorry you got so upset, and the two of you are going to try a Do-over. This time, stay calm. Empathize. Listen to your child’s feelings and try to see things from her perspective. Resist the urge to blame, and instead look for solutions that work for both of you. If your child has damaged something — including a relationship — ask her what she might do to repair it. But always start by listening to her upset and empathizing.

7. Practice, Practice, Practice. 

I’m not going to lie to you. This is really hard work, one of the hardest things anyone can do. If you’re used to flying off the handle, you’ll be teaching your brain new patterns of self-discipline. That takes practice. Luckily, every time you resist acting when you’re angry, you’re rewiring your brain, so managing your anger gets easier every time you do it.

Sure, you’ll lose it sometimes. But if you just keep practicing, holding yourself with compassion and noticing the emotions, you’ll find that even when your child acts up, you’re more able to stay cool. At some point, you’ll realize that you rarely lose your temper any more. You’ll still have childish behavior as long as you live with children, but your reaction will be different. A lot less drama, and a lot more love.


Anger Management For Kids: Tips For Dealing With Explosive Children

– The Huffington Post Canada  |  By Alyson Schafer

Most parents are equipped to get through the inevitable tantrums and meltdowns of little kids. As children grow they gain patience, develop more skills, learn problem solving and then low and behold the tantrums subside. Or they don’t.

For some children the anger or explosiveness only gets worse as they age. It was one thing when they were 30 pounds and stomping their feet, but now they are big and can hurl a chair across the family room.

There seems to be real rage in their bellies. Scratch the surface and BOOM -– they go off. The frequency, intensity and duration of these episodes goes beyond the explanation that your kid is simply having a bad day.

If you have a child who is destroying property, physically attacking others or repeatedly berating themselves, take matters seriously. Here are some ways you can deal with the situation.

Educate Yourself About Anger 
Anger is called “the fighting emotion.” We activate our anger when we want to go to battle to fight and win. The fight, flight, freeze (F3) response in our nervous system kicks in, which increases our heart rate, sends blood to the muscles so they are stronger and accelerates our breathing so we are good and oxygenated.

These massive bodily sensations are enough to overwhelm a child. It’s a big biological event that can even feel scary -– like they are out of control.

Anger is actually a secondary emotion. Your child feels another emotion first, which is the primary emotion. And that is the one you need to discover and learn from. It’s likely one of these five triggers:

  1. Threats to self-esteem (rejection, victimization, rights removed or infringed on) that come from these common childhood experiences:
  • The feeling a sibling is preferred
    • Inconsistent enforcement of rules (this is not fair!)
    • Public correction that embarrassed or humiliated them
    • Offering help or instruction when it wasn’t needed (micro-management)
    • Seeing an injustice done to another
    • Loss of sense of control or a sense of autonomy
    • Lack of understanding of others (low empathy)
    • Others reject or deny what the child is genuinely feeling (misunderstood)

    2. Biology: hunger, low blood sugar, tired, in pain

  1. Stress/Anxiety (illness, impending divorce, moving schools, new caregiver, upcoming test)
  2. Sadness (due to death or big change in their life)
  3. Frustration (communication problems, lack of dexterity or knowledge, perfectionism and hatred of mistakes, believing that asking for help is failure or inadequacy)

If you can identify and solve the primary feeling, your child’s need to fight with anger would not be necessary.

Basic Health Check
Double check your child is eating well, sleeping sufficiently (Do she snore? Could it be undiagnosed sleep apnea?) and reduce their stress.

Is he over-scheduled? Is he feeling undue pressure to excel? Parents are notoriously blind at seeing childhood stressors but they abound.

During a Blow Up, Be Calm and Empathetic
It’s very easy to get pulled into a child’s state. Instead, you have to act in calming ways to help her de-escalate.

It’s very easy to look fed-up and roll your eyes. You are so tired of their antics. But a cold, terse composure that is meant to brace yourself for the storm only adds fuel to her fire.

Instead, communicate calm, loving support. Watch your body language. Keep your tone sweet and quiet. Your facial expression should be one of empathy and compassion.

If he will allow you to offer comfort touches (rubbing his back or a hug), do it. Show that you understand he must be deeply upset to be this angered, but keep your words sparse. Give him space and time to re-group.

Keep a Log Book 
Write a log after each blow up. Record the events leading up to the angry outburst and how it finally resolved. Be sure to record not only what your child did — but also what you and others did.

Assign an intensity rating from 0 to 10. Watch the clock to see how long the blow up lasted and record that, too. After a week or a month, can you see a theme?

As you embark on making changes, you’ll want to know things are improving. The blow-ups won’t go away over night, but if they are less frequent, less intense and shorter then you are making headway! Don’t give up too soon.

Talk About Triggers In A Time Of Calm
When children are angry, it is not a good time for productive discussions. You’re best to save your talks for a time when she is calm. Re-visit the incident that made her so mad and ask her to help you understand what was so distasteful that got her so angry. Then listen.

Listen with a goal of understanding your child and her perspective. Don’t defend or correct.

For example, if your child shares: “You let Bella go on the iPad first. She always gets to go first”. Instead of correcting and defending yourself with “that is not true, you went first last time” simply acknowledge her feelings and beliefs.

“So you feel you get passed over for your sister all the time? That I give her more privileges than you? Like going first on the iPad yesterday? Is that right? Well that would not feel very good at all! If I thought that, I would be hurt and hopping mad too!”

Proper Modelling 
Children need to learn that using aggression is not the best way to resolve issues. If you use anger as a means to get your child to listen or behave, stop immediately. You are modelling this behaviour and he is imitating you.

Teach Problem Solving
Teach your child how to solve the problems he is having through positive means. “Besides getting mad, how else could you share that you feel unfairly treated, and how else could we assure that each child gets their turn going first on the iPad?”

Try to generate a few solutions: alternating days, mark turns on the calendar, leave a sticky note on the iPad saying whose turn is next, rock paper scissors, roll dice, etc. Decide on one solution to try for a week and see if things improve. If they don’t, try another solution.

They Have Control Over Their Anger -– It’s A Choice.
Children believe that other people make them angry and that they are just innocent victims of these strong emotions that take over their bodies. Teach your child about the fight, freeze, flight response so they can recognize when they are getting triggered.

Teach her relaxation techniques: breathing exercises, taking a warm shower, going for a walk around the block, listening to calming music, tensing and releasing their muscles.

Challenge Rigid Black-And-White Thinking 
In a time of calm, help your child to challenge his own rigid thinking. Young children often see the world in black and white with no grey scale. Things are right or wrong, good or bad, always or never. It’s part of growing up to see more sides to things and add complexity to our beliefs.

“You are not either a good boy or a bad boy — you are just lovable you, wonderful the way you are.”

“Instead of rigidly thinking your sister is always beating you, you can choose to think an alternate softer thought: many times my sister gets her way, but sometimes I do, too.”

Children who get angry are discouraged and we need to help fill their bucket so they feel good about themselves and improve their relationships with others in the family.

Look for their strengths and share your appreciation for what they bring to the clan. Increase your positive interactions and have fun together. Notice their gentle side.

If things don’t improve, seek out the help of a family counsellor. You’d be amazed what a few sessions can do to improve matters.