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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Brain Dump: Things that Bother Me

Entry written originally on Sunday, September 4th...

There are a few things that are really bothering me as of late.  Brain dump time...

I still can't get over my in-laws lack of involvement in Baby E's life.  I think I just get more angry and frustrated as he gets older because that's even more time that they're missing out on.  My FIL came over on Friday while my SIL was babysitting for the evening.  We just assumed that he would stick around for a while, but he left 15 minutes after we did.  By the way, the baby was taking a nap at the time, and he didn't even get a chance to say hello.  Argh.

[update] It has gotten better, and my in-laws have made more of an effort to see Baby E.  Just wish that relationship was established from the beginning.

My Mom informed me that my in-law's family had made a few comments about me being a stay at home mother.  An Aunt had spoken to my sister about my new role, and it wasn't in the positive light.  Oye.  H begs to differ.  I can't help but to think that people look down upon me.  I have this weird thing where I actually care what other people think of me, and having people judge me for my decision to stay home to take care of my son makes me feel very crappy.

[update] My mother pointed out the aunt who made the comment in a family photo.  Now I'm reminded of the comment all over again and still feeling pretty crappy.

I have been pumping for almost 20 weeks.  *pats self on back*  Although I'm proud of myself for sticking to it, I wonder if anyone else thinks what I'm doing is worth it.  What sane person would spend over 120 minutes (more like 200 minutes) a day at the pump?  Going back to my in-laws lack of involvement... do they even understand how much time and effort it takes to pump, especially away from home?  It is a pain in the butt to carry my pump, accessories, soap, bottle brush, and extra bottles with me just to go to their house.  I spend a lot of time pumping and washing every 2 hours.  They don't see the behind the scenes production work.  Bottles with breast milk just magically appear.  It is not that easy.  I wonder if they even know that Baby E has been drinking solely breast milk for the past 3 months.

[update] 20 weeks turned into 28.5 weeks.  I officially reached my long term 6 month goal.  Woot!  I pump less often now (every 3-4 hours instead of every 2 with only 1 middle of the night pump).  Very proud of my pumping efforts but increasingly feeling inadequate for not being able to breastfeed directly.  

Back to my Mom... she told my younger sister to steer clear from the path that I have taken into being a stay at home mother.  It is better to find a career than to start a family and stay at home.  Be independent she says.  Okay, I'll go ahead and take away your grandson.  Pshh... only if you knew most of the stuff that she says on a daily basis.  My Mother isn't the nicest person out there, far from it.  My angry high school days did a great job of documenting my not so great relationship with her.  People ask her about her involvement in Baby E's life, whether or not she takes care of him.  Most people just assume that grandparents watch over their grandchildren.  She responds with the same answer each time.  She doesn't know how to take care of babies.  No lie.  She is the most awkward when it comes to holding a baby.  She makes everyone in the room feel uneasy and tells everyone she doesn't know what she is doing.  In case you couldn't tell, my Dad took care of us.  He is also the one who comes over when I need help taking care of Baby E.

[update] The longer that I'm in the role of being a SAHM, the worse I feel about myself.  I don't feel any approval from anyone besides my husband.  I hate it when people look down upon me.  I wish I could be a better me, a person who can actually contribute to society...


Emily Z said...

I'm going to be very crude and very direct. So cover your ears if you don't like profanity.

FUCK that.

You are being the best you can be. You are doing your best to provide a loving, healthy childhood and home for your son. It's not the same decision everyone else makes but so WHAT.

People who criticize you need to take a long hard look at themselves instead.

Yes, having a career and being an independent woman is great and all that, but being an independent woman means HAVING CHOICES. If you choose to stay home with your son, to devote that much time to pumping, then they need to respect your decision and support you.

And by the way, you are fucking amazing for sticking with pumping for 6 months. NEVER feel bad about not being able to breastfeed directly. You took what you were given and made it into the BEST possible situation for your son.

Goddamnit, people need to be supporting new mothers, not tearing them down.


Go have a great day and be fucking amazing, because you are.

Yin said...

EmilyZ: Thank you!! I had a great day, and I continued to be kind of amazing. :)

By the way, congrats on being awesome and married!! Woot, woot!

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