Thursday, June 30, 2011


There's no way to classify the relationship that Tim and I have.  Friends with benefits comes close, but it's still not accurate.  Let me attempt to explain.

The story that Tim and have chosen as our "cover" should anyone ever discover the fact that we're in daily contact is really not that far off base.  It's more like the truth excluding the sexual side of things.  And here's that truth.  About the time that I first got in contact with Tim again, initially because of my granddad's estate, I also came to the realization that I have no men in my life.  Sure, there's Brother and I have a lot of male friends.  But not any men that I can look up to and not any men that I have a close relationship with at this point.  My dad is dead as are both of my grandfathers.  I like all of my uncles, but I've never been close with any of them. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks and really made me sad.

The first couple phone conversations I had with Tim were fairly brief and innocent.  But they were also really comfortable.  He always sounded sincerely happy to hear from me.  So I thought maybe I could ask him to be kind of a surrogate father figure for me.  Then again, given our history, our little "encounter" eight years ago, that seemed like a twisted request to make.  After some of our conversations, I told Tim that this was my idea of our cover story and so only then did I tell him about the request that I didn't make.  I said that, had I actually made the request, I would've wanted to keep it secret so as to not offend anyone, not to mention the fact that it seems like a sad, pitiful thing to have to request.  He agreed that it seemed kind of twisted, but that he was honored that I'd even think of him that way and that he wants to be there for me anyway.  It was so sweet and touching that I nearly cried.

After that first week when his wife came into town for a few days and we didn't have the chance to talk, we've spoken every single day.  Sometimes our conversations last for hours.  Sometimes it might be fairly brief.  We've talked about everything.  Really everything.  He's the first and only person I actually know that I've told about the type of relationship that XM and I had (or tried to have), our D/s relationship.  We've talked about my marriage with XM and we've talked about his marriage and his wife, Ann.  We've talked about so many things that I feel like he's my new best friend and he's told me that he feels the same.

We've also talked about sex.  Tim and Ann were married really young and started having kids pretty early on.  Even though Tim is younger than both of my parents, all three of his sons are older than I am.  Tim and Ann were both virgins when they married and apparently never really talked about sex beforehand.  Ann doesn't have much interest in sex and so Tim has spent pretty much his whole life not getting that need met.  He hasn't been able to do things that he's wanted to do, so he and I have talked about all the things we'd like to do together.  We both feel like we've never really gotten to fully explore the pleasure could have, and we're looking forward to doing that together.

Are you starting to see how there's no good way to describe this relationship?  Friends with benefits with a side of father figure?  And that being the case, isn't that twisted?  I don't know.  Maybe it is twisted, but it's working for us.  We've promised that if for some reason either of us ever needs or wants to stop the sexual side of our relationship, we'll stay in touch and still be friends.  He can be more of the father figure at that point.  I've also told him that should something ever happen to me (like I'm killed in a car wreck or something), I want him to tell people about our relationship - minus the sex side, of course.  I know that he would be really upset in that situation - which he agreed with - and I want him to be able to express that without people wondering about it, you know?

Anyway, that's the gist of it.  It's an amazing, uplifting, fun, crazy, comforting relationship.  I love it.  :)

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I keep meaning to come back and blog more about what's going on with Tim, but I guess I've been spending way too much time talking on the phone with him to blog about it!

Actually, I'm really not going to take the time to blog about it now either.  It's still sort of crazy and hard to believe.  I almost feel like I don't quite know what to say, really.  I will at least say that I feel like it's helping me.  I'm smiling more, I feel better about myself, and I'm starting to feel a little more of that sexy side of myself.

This is how Suzy got her groove back.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I've been talking to Tim more, but I'll post about that another time.

Monday night I was changing the sheets on my bed.  I'd also bought a mattress pad, which I'd been meaning to do for some time.  Now, I usually rotate my mattress every time I change my sheets.  Since it's a memory foam mattress, I can't flip it over, so spinning it is all I need to do and I can manage it without too much trouble.  However, I decided that I wanted to turn my box spring as well since it was creaking on my side.  It's not heavy, but it's big and awkward and by the time I got my mattress out of the way (which IS heavy), it was a real challenge.  I don't think I pulled anything, but my lower back definitely felt tight and stiff afterwards.  Still felt that way Tuesday morning too.

So I decided a nice massage was in order.  I'd gotten one at Christmas with Mom, but not since then.  I figure getting a massage once or twice a year isn't too much of a splurge, right?  So I called when I got out of the shower and they said I could have an appointment at 5, but that it'd be with a male massage therapist.  OK, whatever.  

I've never had a male massage therapist before, but I just figure that he's doing his job, so no biggie.  Although, I was thinking that if he was a big hunky man, it wouldn't hurt!  Well, he was cute, but young - couldn't be older than early 20's.  In one way, it was better than being with a woman (esp. a young woman) because it feels like there's no judgement about my body.  On the other hand, it's more comfortable being with a woman because you know that there's nothing you've got that she hasn't seen.  In the end, I found it to be kind of sensual to get a full body massage from a guy and it felt like there was a little more strength behind his hands, which was great for my back.  I also found it easier to relax if I thought of him as a sort of a personal slave who adored me and would do anything I asked.  LOL

Have any of you gotten a massage from a man and, if so, was it strange for you?

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Friday, June 17, 2011

Big Questions

So, a few posts back I mentioned a much extended member of my family that I had a little encounter with several years ago.  We'll call him Tim.  As part of that previous post I mentioned that I had a phone conversation recently with Tim and that it left me feeling kind of revved up.  As part of that phone call, I told Tim that I was sorry to be bugging him.  He told me that I wasn't bugging him at all and that if I didn't call him from time to time he'd get upset with me.  It was totally a BS reason, but I called him again about a week later on the pretense that I didn't want him to get mad at me.  All this time I'd assumed that he knew that my marriage was over since I'd told his wife in an email last year.  But at one point in this conversation, he asked me what my husband did for a living.  So I had to tell him that he's no longer my husband and in talking a little about it, I - of course - started to cry a little.  In thinking about it later, I think I was just really caught off guard by the question since I thought Tim knew I was getting divorced.

Anyway, getting upset over that simple little question happened the day before I made my quick trip to Jasper.  In fact, it was part of why I decided to go.  While I was gone, Tim called and left a voicemail message for me, making sure I was okay since I'd been upset during our last conversation.  So when I got back from Jasper and heard his message, I gave him a call.  We had a lovely talk, but I could feel us kind of... dancing around the elephant in the room, neither one of us wanting to cross that line.

I called Tim again the next night (Saturday night) because the unspoken tension was bugging me.  And we crossed the line.

Now, I should mention that what Tim does for a living takes him all over, mainly within his home state.  And him being away from home makes it a lot easier for us to have these conversations.

We talked Saturday night, Sunday night, and Monday night.  We both called, so it wasn't one-sided.  We had in-depth conversations about love, marriage, sex, life, all kinds of things.  We had hot phone sex.  We talked about what we're doing, our fears associated with it, and what we might get out of it.

I went out with Ginny for a while Tuesday afternoon.  When I got home there was another voicemail message from Tim.  I was excited to see that he'd called, but the message was not good.  His wife had come into town for a few days, so he asked me not to call and he'd call again when he could.  Nothing says "the other woman" like that kind of message!  I haven't heard from him since.

I'm really wrestling with this.  I don't like the idea of being a part of someone being unfaithful to their spouse.  But there's something about this... It's almost as if Tim and I are both going into this with our eyes open.  We've discussed what would happen if someone were to discover that we're talking so much and how we could cover our tracks.  We've discussed whether or not an actual relationship would ever work between us, should his situation change, and we've decided that it wouldn't, for a few different reasons.  We've promised each other that should the time come that one of us needs to end the sexual side of things, that we'll still remain friends.  Tim has always been respectful of me and has never pushed.  I feel so safe and comfortable with him.

So, I go back and forth with how I feel about this relationship.  I hate the thought of being the other woman.  But if we're both lacking a certain companionship and sexuality, can't we just be together for that?  I wonder if this will help me get my mojo back.  Like a reminder that I am special and desirable.  I don't know.  I guess we'll see.

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Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I have a thing or two to blog about, but first I'll post pictures.  I've decided not to really keep this a secret, although I haven't gone out of my way to tell people about it either.  Anyway, here you go.

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Saturday, June 11, 2011

Secret Trip

I'll let you all in on a little secret: I just made a quick trip to Jasper.  I just got back a few hours ago.  I left yesterday morning, drove the four hours out there, spent the night, and drove back this afternoon/evening.  I had kind of been thinking about it, but just decided Wednesday that I was going to bite the bullet and go.  I stayed the night at the same place as I did in April, although I went for a cheaper room since it was only going to be for one night.  I went to the yarn store there and spent a whack of money on sock yarn, since I now know how to knit socks.  I went to my two favourite spots there.  The one, I decided today when I was there, is my idea of heaven.  When I die, I want to spend eternity at the Fifth Bridge of Maligne Canyon.

I'm debating whether or not to tell Mom or anyone else.  I'll post pictures here later since this may be the only place I can share them!


Sunday, June 05, 2011

One Year

Today is exactly one year from when I moved out of XM's house and into my own little place.  Like most anniversaries, in one way it feels so much longer than just one year and in another way it doesn't feel like it's been that long.  Although, really, a lot has happened in the last year.  Our divorce should be finalized soon.  I don't have much contact with XM these days, just an email once in a while to see where things stand with our paperwork and such.  I think I'm doing better, but I still have bad or off days.  I guess that's to be expected.

In the end, I still think it's for the best that XM and I are not together.  I've known that all along, really, but it's still painful and stressful and hard.  I feel like I'm only now remembering ME.  What it really feels like when I'm myself.  I've felt so weak and insufficient for a long time now and I'm gradually remembering that I am strong and capable and resilient.

So much can happen in one year.

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Friday, June 03, 2011

Constructed Wetland

There's a constructed wetland just a few minutes from my place.  I think this may be only the second year that it's been in place.  It's relatively small, but it's pleasant and has a nice little walking path around it as well as some benches.  I've been a handful of times to walk and/or knit.  I went last Friday and took some pictures.  Here's a few:

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