Posts tagged Lyme Disease Awareness
Before More Than Lyme: A Brief History Of Then and Now + Why I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

It's around 8am and I find myself on the floor with a blanket in my lap, sipping my coffee while watching the snow melt off the trees in the backyard. The keyboard sits right in front of me, watching my every move as my eyes are fixate on anything but the task at hand. 

Now, you may be wondering, why write something if it doesn't bring you immediate joy? Why sit here and "force" yourself to dive into moments that to this day, tie a knot in your stomach and make your heart flutter and skip a beat (in the anxious kind of way). Why oh why would I want to do this to myself when I could be sipping my coffee elsewhere, mind on the bluebird skies and dog that needs walking?

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On Processing Painful Information, Allowing Yourself To Feel + Moving Forward In A Way That Works For You

And like the wave retreats back into the ocean, uncovering forgotten treasures, weathered stones, and marine life eager to once again dive beneath the depths, here I am, standing in front of every thought I had promised to let go, moments and memories I had stowed away for a different life, a life that I would never have to face.

I look down at my hands, they're shaking.

I then place my hands on my heart, it's throbbing. 

I close my eyes and dive into my thoughts, they're screaming, lost, and disoriented. 

How did I get here? How do I face something so devastating that the thought of it sends me into a tizzy? Rather, a state of confusion seemingly impossible to come back from. The thing about these moments, the root of what makes them so difficult to process, is the feeling that they came out of nowhere. You think, these things, they aren't suppose to be happening. I mean, there is no way this could be true. Things weren't ever suppose to get this bad. 

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That Familiar Feeling: This Is What a Panic Attack Feels and Looks Like To Me, and This Is How I Choose To Face Them

I just happened to stumble across this tiny little wooden box that I used to keep under my pillow, something my mom gave me to help with bad dreams or moments of panic. In it, you will find a collection of treasures notes, dried flowers, and a photo of Audrey Hepburn.

It was timely you see, as the dark clouds rolled heavy over our home, over the now nearly bare trees, I felt that all too familiar tightening in my chest, quickening of my heart, soon to be beating heavy against my chest, ears, and behind my eyes. 

Not long after that, my throat began to close, so any chance at speaking you could be sure would be nothing but mumbles, jabs at words, and incoherent sentences. And as I reach my hands up to my eyes, a comforting gesture I often do when my head throbs, I noticed how badly they were shaking, not only that, but they were cold as ice with finger tips as purple as grapes. 

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Taking Note Of The World Around Me

That the way I think things should be, and the way things are, are different. For example: I have Lyme, and I wish I didn't - among other things...

I continually find myself working towards goals, dreams, ideas, projects, practices, and habits that all fall under the realm of, "things I'll do when I'm better." Or rather, "things I'll actually be good at, able to accomplish, and follow through with when I'm feeling like myself again." When I'm no longer sick.

It's as if, without realizing it, I can't ever give it my all because I have already decided in the back of my mind that it's not possible. That the things I wish to do can be started, but not finished until I'm, well, healthier, stronger, braver, and more "secure" than I am now...

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Putting Your Whole Self Forward Amidst the Setbacks of Living with a Chronic Illness

Rather than the bits and pieces of yourself that you deem worthy. Rather than hiding those "un-worthy" pieces beneath the surface of uncertainty, doubt, and the fear of whether or not you will be accepted as a whole, by yourself, and those around you. 

It's terrifying, yet at the same time exhilarating, believing that you can do it. That you can take what feels like a broken body and mend it together with hope, strength, and a determined mind. YOU can do it. YOU can put your whole self forward and be seen as something incredible, by you, and those that surround you. Those that love, honor, and support you no matter what...

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Terrified of Losing That "Creative Spark" While Fighting Lyme Disease

I am terrified.

Terrified of losing my ability to create. To write. To take the many expressions of myself and plaster them against blank page after blank page, with the signature cup of tea steeping for far too long beside the clicking of my keyboard.

Since arriving home from our trip to Europe, I haven't been able to bring myself to write, at least not in the way that my expectations had set for me.

I told myself, with all of this new found wisdom and inspiration, that I would be able to write for hours each day, effortlessly sharing moments past, but the truth is, my mind is having none of it...

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