Thursday, July 28, 2011

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

Title of this post was taken from the song Sleep When I'm Dead by The Cure.    

     I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. Is it hotter than normal up here, or is it just me? No, it's hotter than normal. I can't breathe. Holy crap I can't breathe. Just walk away Mel, just turn around and walk away. My inside voice calls me a weenie, and tells me to suck it up, but I can't. Seriously, I can't breathe, and here come the tears. I'm walking back downstairs. This was such an epic fail!
     There have only been two nights that I've been able to sleep upstairs in our bed. The main reason I don't sleep up there is because I feel this need to be as close to the kids as possible, and their bedrooms are downstairs. This means I've slept on the couch just about every night for three and a half months. There are other small reasons I don't sleep up there. One of them being that it's hot. We have a small window air conditioner, but Mike was always the one to turn it on. I haven't been able to force myself to turn that little nob. He did it for 12 years, and I can't seem to do it. I decided this week that I needed to make an effort to sleep in my room, in my bed. I've been talking it up, and telling myself I could do it, and tonight I tried. I walked up the stairs, I stood next to the bed, and I stared at it and the air conditioner. It felt like forever, but I couldn't have been up there for more than five minutes. Like I said earlier, it was an epic fail. I just couldn't do it.
     I'm such a loser! Why can't I do this?! I'm a smart, educated woman but I can't turn a stupid knob, or make myself feel better about this? I guess I'll just curl up on the couch and feel sorry for myself. I just needed to vent. Looking back over this it sounds childish and stupid. I don't care how it sounds though. It's one more piece of this puzzle I'm trying to figure out. It's a really good thing I don't drink.


Beverly said...

Your post wasn't at all childish. It was very understandable. It was an extremely humid night , & maybe not the best time to try to make yourself sleep upstairs for many reasons. It will come eventually, Melanie. I hope you were able to get some sleep !! Hang in there ! Love ya !

Katrina Jackson said...

Be kind to yourself. Baby steps. This was step one. Next time maybe try to walk close to the air conditioner. Then closer. Closer each time until you reach it. Then try to turn it on sometime. Then try to turn it on and sit on the bed. Then try to lay on the bed. Then try to read in the bed. Eventually you will be able to sleep there again. Until then, remember this is the worst heartache of your life. Listen to your body and your heart. You will know when you're ready. But it's always good to push yourself a little. Take care.

Kate said...

I know how you feel on some of the things you talked about in your blog. He was my brother and your husband and the father of your children, I, too am still mad and can't make sense of this whole thing. We will probably NEVER get over it, Mel. I don't care what people say. I'm gonna grieve for the rest of my life. People need to let us do that! We need to do some kind of memorial in a few months, maybe fly some balloons or something..Love you!!!

Jill said...

If you ever feel like venting to a person, call me day or not. Not only will I not mind being woken up in the wee hours of the morning. I will be honored that you called.