Game of Thrones S03E08 recap & review: Spoiler alert

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Gendry is still suspicious. Melisandre kisses him, starts undressing him, saying that it's all part of the Lord of Light's master plan. For Melsandre, getting butt naked is how you proselytize. Jehovahs' Witnesses, take note: each stop would take much longer, but think of the conversion rates.

Gendry is like, "Hell, yeah!", not sparing a thought for how he'll make child-support payments for a Dementor.

Okay, if a sexy witch ties you to the bed and whispers, "Trust me",  ... don't. Because if you do, she'll drop some Wrath-of-Khan leeches on your chest. Then she'll put one on your dong. You think putting 'em on hurts? Try pulling 'em off.

Stannis and Davos pop in to watch, which is... weird. Melisandre explains that this is for Davos' benefit, so he'll understand the power in a king's blood.

Stannis takes the three leeches and drops them in the fire, intoning three names: Robb Stark, Balon Greyjoy, Joffrey Baratheon. Is it just me, or does the Joffrey leech burn extra bright? It squirts, too, unlike Gendry.


Speaking of fugly little leeches, here's Joffrey at the wedding after-party. Tyrion is absolutely hammered, testing the surface tension of the wine in his glass. Sansa just looks shellshocked.

Meanwhile, Olenna "Awesome" Tyrell is explaining the tangled family tree formed as the Starks, the Lannisters, and the Tyrells join through marriage. Hallmark doesn't make a card that says "For a Very Special Brother/Father-in-Law". Olenna is in the trolling business, and business is good.

Tywin is presuming to give Tyrion advice on drinking and shagging. I bet he also gives Shaun White advice on snowboarding. Sez Tyrion, "I'm the god of tits and wine: no man can match me in these things. I shall build a shrine to myself at the next brothel I visit!" Tywin is like, "Look, just get Sansa pregnant ASAFP," and storms off as if this weren't a drama of his own creation.

Tyrion raises a glass to Loras Tyrell, who's the only guy in the room who's less happy. Loras goes to have a scene with Cersei with the moonlit sea in the backdrop, but she's like, "Cut!" and walks away. (Hey, isn't it supposed to be a New Moon tonight?)

Could this wedding get any worse? Turns out it can. Joffrey offers to put the wood to Sansa after Tyrion passes out, so she could concieve a Lannister baby on her wedding night.

Well, "threatens to rape Sansa" would be more accurate. He mentions that two of his goons would hold her down. Otherwise Sansa would just hold her arm out with her hand against Joffrey's head, and he'd never be able to reach her.

Tyrion is having none of it, though: he's more than insistent that there will be no bedding ceremony, especially not with Joffrey involved: "You'll be f*cking your own bride with a wooden cock!" Line of the night? Line of the night.

Before this turns into... a thing, Tyrion pretends to be even drunker than he is, giving himself (and, more importantly, Sansa), a passably acceptable reason to leave the room. He leads her out, regaling her with stories about how he once puked on a woman during sex. At least there were no Wrath-of-Khan leeches involved. I seriously want to high-five the screen.

Tyrion leads Sansa back to the safety of his bedroom, where he finds out that she's only 14. That makes her precisely three years too young for Kip Winger. Tyrion won't shag his new bride, though he makes a point of clarifying that he could if he wanted to. What if Sansa never wants to sleep with her new husband? Tyrion smiles, raises his cup, and says, "And so my watch begins." Nice. He then proceeds to pass out on the couch like a pro.

Swear to me!

Daario has somehow acquired an Unsullied disguise and infiltrated Camp Dragon Mama. Meanwhile, Missandei is bathing Daenerys. Jayne will be in his bunk. Turns out Missandei is C3PO, and can speak 19 different languages. Huh.

She3PO tells Daenerys that Khal Drogo was generous in his appraisal of his Khaleesi's ability to speak Dothraki. Her pronunciation isn't quite native-quality.

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