Flight Club

Ok, just a few more things about our travels and then I SWEAR I am done with airport stories.

1. So we were at the Flint airport, waiting for our little commuter plane from there to Chicago, and it got delayed, with a distinct possibility of cancellation. Of course that meant that many folks, including us, were going to miss our connecting flights in any case, and so we all got in line at the gate agent desk. Needless to say, many of the folks in that line were grumpy, as is understandable. Because the Flint airport is a little airport with a very minimal staff, the line, it was glacial. The folks there (well, the one folk, since it was just one lonely dude at the desk, poor thing) was helping people at a rate of about 20 minutes per person. There were about 25 people in line so the grump levels were inversely proportional to the rate of slowness of the line. Anyway, there was this woman behind us the entire time (we were in that line for 2 solid hours) and the way that she was processing her grump was to proceed to call EVERY PERSON SHE KNEW IN THE WORLD, one by one, and tell them what was happening to her. So, it would go like this: “Hi, Betsy? It’s Donna. Guess where I am? In Flint, at the airport. And my flight has been delayed, and I am in this long line that isn’t moving, and I am going to miss my next plane, and I have no idea how long this is going to take! ARGGGH. I just hate this.” And then maybe a few cursory small talk attempts, and then she would hang up, look at her phone, and dial again. “Hi, Frank? It’s Donna. Guess where I am?…” and go through the rigmarole again. And then hang up, and call the next person. If there is a thing that will add to the feeling of being stuck in a time loop that already exists when standing in a line that is moving at the speed of sloth, it is having Donna behind you. I swear she called 30-40 people. Nordic Boy and I started hysterical giggling about halfway through, especially after he leaned over to me and whispered “how much you want to bet that she calls us next?”

2. Why in the WORLD are airports full of tv monitors playing high stress tv shows? We are already agitated, people. We do not need to see Nancy Grace screaming at us or people being blown up on CNN or the like. Who the frickety frack has the remote in airports and if they must show something, how about Puppy Bowl or The Cosby Show or something? In Chicago someone on the news started talking about some Middle East war stuff and some lady in the gate area with us that looked a lot like Joan Rivers (this story would be so much better if it was actual Joan Rivers) lost her mind and started yelling at the screen that our President was a big liar, etc. Like, she was arguing with Anderson Cooper or whoever the feck was on the screen. THIS IS WHY WE NEED PUPPY BOWL TV IN AIRPORTS PEOPLE.

3. When we got on our flight from Flint to Chicago, our pilot got on the intercom as we were getting seated and said in a not-unconcerned voice: “we will be experiencing a lot of turbulence on our way out and upon landing today.” Which, when I am on a plane that is the size of a minivan, does not make me feel great. THEN, a few minutes later, the flight attendant gets on and asks if 2-3 people who are sitting in rows 1-3 can get up and move back to rows 4-8 because the weight distribution is unbalanced. Which, WHAT. I do not like the sound of that at all. I am not a nervous flyer but that shit made me a little queasy in the kneesies.

This concludes Airport Stories. I hope Donna made it home safely, and if she calls you, tell her I said hello.


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