You Know You're Really Into Reptiles When...


Send your funny one-liners to reptileeditor@i5publishing.com  




"One more that's it" is the name of your last reptile.


You have a kiddie pool in the house.

You tell your dog to get off of the couch so your reptiles can be up there.

Your 8 foot burmese python bites onto someone's hand by mistake and you scream, "don't break his teeth!"

You keep a fire in the wood stove going all day so that your Sulcata tortoise doesn't get a chill.

You spend your lunch hour driving home so you can let your tortoise out to sun bathe.

You have your child's bedroom mapped out, so in 10 years when they move out, the reptiles can move in.

Your kids get up early before school just so they have time to feed all the reptiles.

Your kids think nothing of a home full of reptiles, but some of their friends' parents won't even come in the front door.

Reptile care requuires the whole family.

Your husband forms a local support group for men whose wives love reptiles.

Your monthly budget always includes reptile veterinary expenses.

You drive 20 minutes to get home for lunch so your tortoise gets 30 min of the best afternoon sun and you tell your coworkers you have to go home to walk the tortoise and they don't even think it's odd anymore.

You have to buy a baby name book because you have run out of name ideas.

You lick your contact lenses clean like a gecko.

You have a full sized refrigerator for meal worms and mice, but only a mini-frdge for your food.

You make your sibling move into the garage so you can use their room for an extra room for all your lizards.

You let your beardie have your entire bed to sleep in.

Your girlfriend can't give you goosebumps like your snake can.

You'll kiss all of your reptiles on the mouth but think it's gross when your dog licks you.

You drop everything you're doing to watch the new Geico commercial.

You laugh when you get bit.

You call the police to remove a dead garter snake from your lawn.

Everybody else calls it fishing, but you call it turtling.

Nobody questions when you put some D3 on top your cereal.

You leave your bearded dragon on the porch and then find that it ate a bird.

When you walk in the pet store they say, "reptile inspector on patrol."

You have a funernal for your frog.

One of the UV bulbs catches fire in the pet store and you release every pet in the building.

You get more excited about your local pet store's shipment of waxworms than you do about Christmas.

You realize you're late getting out of bed when your iguanas' terrarium lights turn on.

Your Mom lets you stay home from school so you can take care of your mother-to-be leopard gecko.

You take your monitor lizard on vacation but refuse to take your wife and kids.

You judge states you want to move to by their climate and exotic animal laws.

You root for Godzilla!

You turn down a trip to Ireland because they have no wild snakes there.

A kiss from a lizard is just as good as a kiss from grandma.

Nobody notices when you walk over to the cricket bin and "self serve."

You decide you need to move into a five bedroom house so you can have more reptiles.

The pet store calls you to help them identify a snake.

You are called outside to reassure the little old lady next door that the garden snake isn't a rattlesnake.

People you don't even know stop at your house to offer their unwanted reptiles to you.

Your veterinarian calls you the "turtle lady."

You raise your own earthworms to feed your brood of reptiles.

You leave your money at home when you go to the reptile show, so you won't be tempted to buy another reptile friend.

You flick your tongue out like a snake when visiting new places.

You can’t take a shower because you’re using your bathtub as a container for your turtles.

Your Facebook account has more photos and albums of your reptiles than of yourself.

The people at the pet store know you by name and get you 36 small crickets without asking.

Your family picture has your iguana in it.

You replace all your regular light bulbs with red ones.

You put calcium/D3 on your food.

You wake up when the crickets stop making noise.

You have mealworms in the fridge, but not ketchup.

You grow dandelions, not grass.

The DEA raids your home because all of your reptile lights are glowing on their thermal vision.

Your wife says what’s for dinner and you say, “Look in the pot.” (There are two defrosting rats in there.) Your wife says, “Mmm, rat my favorite.” You reply, “That’s for the snake.” Your wife says, “Oh, darn!” You say, “Don’t feel bad, I'll defrost a rabbit for ya.”

Your wife gets pregnant and you tell all your friends she is gravid.

Your neighbors simply remember you as the snake lady or the snake man but when they see your nametag at work they say, "oh, so that's your real name!"

The clerk at the pet store asks what you are going to name the new rat you are buying and you respond, "lunch."

You buy a custom fit collar for your iguana and take it on long walks every day.

The employees at the local pet store start calling you "The Cricket Lady."

You ask your mom to stop at the pet store on the way home from school every day because you want to check up on you favorite herp there. Next Page>>

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