Sorority life teaches young ladies many important lessons throughout their college tenures: sisterhood, service, and, if this graduation from one nutty sorority girl is to be believed, dick sucking.

A letter sent, for some reason, to Total Sorority Move details the lessons one very angry and very horny (but mostly angry) sorority sister learned during her time in higher education. I'm happy to report that it is blessedly unhinged. I'm sad to report that it's no Rebecca Martinson "cunt punt" treatise; in fact, in our post-Cunt Punt world, letters like this feel derivative.

We're not sure why the letter was sent to TSM, and neither are they — but it landed in their inbox from the author herself. And why cloud the enjoyment of a minor nutty masterpiece with questions of logistics? Let's celebrate Shakespeare's 450th birthday in the most appropriate of ways: with a Hamlet-esque soliloquy on alienation, participation, self-regard, and dicks.

My younger sloots of [sorority],

It's me, your favorite ghost senior of the sorority. Yeah, you little bitches probably don't even know who I am because I'm the one who doesn't show up to shit because its pointless and when I do, I sneak out like two hours in when important people aren't looking. Learn from my way little ones, cheating the system is how you get through life. Now, even though the majority of you bitchez don't know who I am, you really should have gotten to know me though, I would have made your year fucking awesome. Ask [name] and [name], they may have some choice words and stories to tell about me.


1. Have sex.
Have sex with as many boys as you can. Well, not exactly, check out their penis first. Dick pics are God's gift to women. Make sure you inspect the goods before you let it penetrate you vagina. Having sex is awesome. The best thing you can do for your sex life is to learn to love sucking dick. It is one of my favorite pastimes. I could suck dick for like 7 minutes, anything after that is too long. You should have definitely made your man bust his load all in your mouth in 7 minutes. If you can't achieve that, sorry sweetheart but you have better chances at becoming a lesbo than getting dick.

2. Swallow that load
If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat pussy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fuck off.

3. Blackout or Back the Fuck Out

4. Live your life by a double standard

So, you fucking lucky little bitches have a few more years to run out mommys credit card, while crying to daddy that you have no money in your account so he slips you some cash for booze and weed. Spend that cash you don't have on illegal drugs unless you're one of the blessed who is already so fucked up you stumbled upon prescription drugs. If that's the case, hit me up ;). Remember, wrap it before you tap it, no one wants the herps, and if you can, always be slightly drunk. Life will be so much better.


While much of modern civilization is dependent on rapidly dwindling fossil fuels, unhinged sorority girls are an ever renewable resource. If only we could discover a way to convert their power into electricity, our fracking anxiety would be over.