Inside the Planning of Trump's Very Chill Military Parade


On Tuesday, the White House confirmed that President Trump has ordered the Pentagon to plan a military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue because the military isn't busy doing anything else right now, apparently. Inspired by a Bastille Celebration he witnessed in France, the President reportedly desires a public demonstration of our armed forces and their might that is totally about praising the women and men who protect and serve the country and not at all about stroking his ego.

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According to the Washington Post, Trump also wanted to include tanks and rocket launchers as part of his Inauguration Parade. A request to which everyone responded, "Yikes."

The Pentagon, apparently, is "looking into" planning a parade for the President the good of the nation. So... I guess we're doing this. That should be the new motto of the country: America—I guess we're doing this. One does wonder, however, how a fever dream in the mind of a megalomaniac that will be used to great metaphorical effect in future dramas about the present became literal marching orders for an army. Here's how I imagine it went down.

Trump: Operator? Give me the Pentagon.

Pentagon: Uh, hello? This is... definitely the Pentagon and not an intern at a coworking space in Bethesda we've set up to take your calls.

Trump: Very good. Only the best for me. Listen, I want a parade.

Pentagon: ...okay, we're doing this. What kind of parade?

Trump: With people! And marching! And saluting! And stepping in formation! But not like "stepping," like Drumline. Just foot-up, foot-down. Got it?

Pentagon: Walking. Got it.

Trump: Walking with nationalism!

Pentagon: Let's call it patriotism.

Trump: Whatever floats your boat. Oh! Floats! There should be floats dedicated to my accomplishments.

Pentagon: Sir, are you familiar with the concept of a self-own?

Trump: No, how much is it?

Pentagon: Never mind. Oh! Why don't you make the theme "76 Trump Owns!" You can display all the things you own. It's a play on The Music Man.

Trump: Whose this Music Man?! What does he want? Is he on my team?

Pentagon: He's just a Midwestern salesman, sir. He's trying to bring morality back to River City. He has no ulterior motives whatsoever. He just doesn't think people should play pool.

Trump: I agree with that. It's too hard to cheat at pool.

Pentagon: The name's Harold Hill, sir. I do warn you, sir, he is a big advocate for the arts.

Trump: Ugh.

Pentagon: But mostly as a means to sell goods and services to unsuspecting rubes.

Trump: Oh! Why didn't you say that?! Does he want a cabinet position?

Pentagon: I'm sure he does. I can set something up.

Trump: Do that! Anyway, back to my parade.

Pentagon: Oh, this is still a thing?

Trump: It's very important. Emmanuel Macron had one in France and I need one, too.

Pentagon: But sir, Emmanuel Macron is a delectable little brioche. I just don't think you're in the same league.

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Trump: What was that? Your connection broke up.

Pentagon: I said, France needs parades because they're not as cool as America. In America, we don't go outside and walk around to prove our dominance. How old-fashioned. What I think would be a lot more your style is if we hired a bunch of extras to stand outside the White House gates and cheer you on every day as you entered and exited. Then we could film it, maybe green screen a huge crowd in the background. Bring in the River City Boys Band to play you a tune. Maybe even CGI an alien space ship broadcasting their eternal support of your initiatives.

Trump: Can we call them something other than aliens?

Pentagon: Martians?

Trump: Legal Martians?

Pentagon: Sure. Words mean nothing anymore.

Trump: A message from Mars would really stick it to that charlatan Musk.

Pentagon: Sure would sir. Plus, you wouldn't have to leave the house.

Trump: I do hate to cut into Executive Time.

Pentagon: It's a win-win. And a win for Trump is a win for a very small segment of America.

Trump: That's my next campaign slogan.

Pentagon: Can't wait, sir. I'm sure it'll be even more horrifically improbable than anything we've yet seen.

Trump: That's a promise! Listen, I gotta go. I've got to review some important policy documents.

Pentagon: Is that a euphemism for watching pundits talk about policy on television?

Trump: I'm disrupting reading. Obama would never have thought of something like this.

Pentagon: A broken clock is right twice a day.

Trump: I'll cut that in half. I gotta go. Have this Harold Hill give me a call. I think we can do some great work together.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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