Here’s How Consent and BDSM Role-Play Actually Work

In an article published in The New Yorker on Monday, four women detailed the extreme psychological and physical violence they say they experienced at the hands of former New York attorney general Eric Schneiderman. In response, Schneiderman resigned, but he also made a disturbing statement linking these women’s allegations with sexual role play. His claim was promptly dismissed by Ronan Farrow, one of the reporters who broke the story, and the women who allege he assaulted them. (One of the women wasn’t even in a relationship with Schneiderman at the time, and all the alleged acts of violence happened well outside the context of sex.) The Cut spoke to sex and BDSM educator Barbara Carrellas, who explains exactly why Schneiderman’s “role play” defense is so flawed.

Role play means two people had a conversation and decided: I think this sounds really hot, now how can we sensibly play this out.

You need to negotiate before you start playing. When you negotiate, you talk transparently about what you like, your no-go zones and you state what (in certain circumstances) you might be okay with. We call it the yes/no/maybe list. For acts that you decide are a “maybe,” you should think very deeply about what conditions would have to be in place for that “maybe” to be a “yes.” Get specific — there can’t be any surprises. You also distinguish between what you would give and what you would like to receive. Maybe you enjoy being spanked, but you have no interest in spanking? Then you and your partner can switch lists you can see where they match up.

Being slapped, choked, spit on, and called racial slurs out of nowhere by a drunk person with no prior discussion of kink or role play is a red light of volcanic brightness. For most people, those fall under “edge play,” and that’s the most carefully negotiated play in BDSM. It’s much better to let a desire go unfulfilled for the moment than to be left physically or emotionally injured.

When you have both consented to something that requires skill, or has potential to trigger — such as receiving a slap on the face — your partner should know how to safely execute it and be prepared to support you emotionally.

The kind of BDSM we have been talking about, consensual play, requires affirmative yeses, which are all prenegotiated. Of course, you can consent to being slapped on the face, or to being called a slave, but that did not happen here. The slapping as described in this article was bang-on brute violence.

In BDSM role play face-slapping is a trigger for a whole lot of people. The trigger level is so high that we really need to get three times consent. People who slap should learn how to do it safely, and you would never slap someone on an ear. Before the role play, the slapper would ask, are you sure you have no triggers from childhood? Have you ever been slapped before? If so, under what circumstances? Someone might say, “I was slapped a lot in the past by someone who hated me but I want to try being slapped in role play so I can see what it’s like.” I would move very slowly and I’d probably stop after the slap so we can process it and if the receiver wanted to go further we would pick up at a later date.

Responsible BDSM players do not negotiate or play while intoxicated.

There was a lot of drinking reported in the story about Schneiderman. You can’t give consent and you can’t accept consent when you are intoxicated. When you are asking for consent you are asking someone to turn over their emotions and their bodies to loan you a piece of their power. We don’t lend power to drunks and drug addicts. People who are BDSM sadists or doms are not enacting their will on a poor, helpless victim; they are accepting responsibility to give someone an experience they have asked for and they are responsible for the result.

A master-slave contract takes time, thought, and sensitivity to negotiate.

Schneiderman’s reported references to terms like “master” and “slave” are alarming. Master-slave contracts are negotiated between two consenting, loving people, and they usually take years. They are fine-tuned so that everyone knows where they stand. You discuss exactly how much power is given up and in which situations. They typically do not include what someone eats, and most masters do not order their slave to remove things like tattoos from their bodies.

Race play requires extra-sensitive negotiation and consent.

It’s reported that Schneiderman called one of his partners his “brown slave” and demanded that she repeat that she was his property. Race play is just as, if not more, delicate a negotiation than master-slave. It is so loaded. They are some of the deepest, edgiest emotional role-play scenes that two loving people can agree to do together. They are not entered into casually. Or when drunk.

All play requires an affirmative yes from both partners to all planned activities.

He was hitting these women so hard they had marks the next day. Marks would be part of the negotiation — you’d ask each other, “Are marks okay?” In cases where you have negotiated no marks and it seems like a sex act might leave a mark, a responsible top will stop and say: “I will not go any further because I can’t be certain that this won’t leave a mark; what else would you like that would not leave a mark?” You have to talk these things through and you have to do that when you are sober. This takes skill.

Nonconsensual breath play (choking) is about the most hideous nonconsensual act in SM, or at least it’s way high on the list. When you are controlling someone’s breath it is so dangerous. Most people don’t swim in that pond. You can do choking with a lot of acting, there are safe places on the neck like the collarbone. You can then put your fingers up over the throat to give the illusion of choking. BDSM is a collection of skills. BDSM players learn from people who know what they are doing.

Always establish a safe word.

When you use a safe word it means that you have to stop. You don’t want to deploy your safe word because you are miserable or hurt: Maybe you need to pee? Maybe a rope is too tight. You stop, come out of role immediately and ask: What do you need? The safe word would stop all play instantly — it doesn’t mean, okay, this is completely over; it just means when it’s uttered everything stops until we figure out why. Safe words are usually words that don’t come up during sex, saying “no no no no no” could be part of the scene. So when someone screams “grapefruit” in the middle of a rape fantasy, it’s clear what that means.

Accidents happen even when there is consent and proper preparation, but there’s a way to deal with that.

Of course role play doesn’t always go exactly as planned. If the giver accidentally makes a wrong stroke and hits some place they didn’t intend to hit, I recommend that the top should acknowledge it. You don’t have to come out of role, you don’t have to grovel. But if you tell the bottom “that was unintentional” that is very important for creating trust and letting the scene swim on. The top might put their hand on the spot to take the sting out. Or give them a kiss, and you can do all of that in a very dominant fashion.

Consent is ongoing, and it can be rescinded at any time.

Withdrawing consent is not renegotiation. Even if these women had consented to a little bit of rough sex (and there’s nothing wrong with that), they did not consent to being brutalized. They did not consent to being slapped in the face on the ear. They didn’t consent to being choked. It doesn’t matter what the role play was if they didn’t consent to that. Role-playing is consensual pretending, it is not BDSM without consent. It’s not violence and abuse.

What Are Kegel Exercises and How to do Kegel Exercises?

Kegel exercises are exercises that work to strengthen muscles of the pelvic floor. It’s the pelvic floor that supports bladder, uterus, rectum and small intestine. If you are suffering from urinary incontinence, these exercises would be really helpful. As Kegel exercises strengthen bladder, these can go a long way in preventing risks of urinary incontinence. It’s to note here kegel exercises were first propounded by famous American gynecologist Dr. A H. Kegel in 1940s to prevent leaking urine in women. Kegel exercises can also help men suffering from the same issue.

When do you need to do Kegel exercises?

Kegel exercises are important for those who are down with a weak pelvic floor. Your pelvic muscles can weaken due to a broad range of factors such as childbirth, pregnancy, aging, surgery and overweight. Moreover, excessive body strain from coughing or constipation can also weaken the pelvic floor.

You will need to follow Kegel workout if you-

  • Can’t control urine leakage (just few drops) while coughing, sneezing or laughing
  • Get this sudden and strong urge to pee just after urination
  • Stool leakage

How to identify right muscle

Finding the muscle in women

It will be slightly challenging to find pelvic floor muscles but not too tough. First, you can insert your finger inside vagina & then tighten up the surrounding muscles around the finger. Just make sure, your finger is properly cleaned.

Another way to identify the muscle is by stopping the urine mid-flow. Remember, the muscle that you will clench for stopping the urine is the pelvic-floor muscle.

However, you should not follow the method for locating the muscle only. Don’t just stop urine mid-way frequently or regularly. You should not do it especially when your bladder is full as otherwise you may end up with UTI (Urinary Tract Infection).

Finding the muscle in men

One way men can find the muscle is by inserting finger into their rectum. After you insert the finger, try squeezing it and you will find the muscles of pelvic floor. But while doing this, do not tighten muscles of buttocks, thighs or abdomen.

Then, another hack is to tighten the muscles which keep one from passing gas.

If you still can’t locate the muscle, try the urine stopping method discussed in the previous section.

Understanding Kegel exercises

Kegel exercises are simple clench-and-relax workouts which you can perform anytime and anywhere. There are two forms of exercises for complete workout of the pelvic floor-

Fast-twitch muscle workout– This is mostly a sort of sort contraction which works your fast-twitch muscles which shut off sudden urine flow immediately to prevent issues of leakage. While performing the exercise, you will contract each time you will exhale and then go back to your normal breathing pattern. When you contract the muscles, they get tighten quickly, lifted up & slowly released.

Slow-twitch muscle workout– It helps to strengthen supportive power of pelvic floor muscles through long contraction. When you perform the contraction, they get tighten quickly, lifted up & being help up for seconds. Initially, you will find it challenging to hold contraction for more than couple of seconds- but as you get used to it, you can hold it for 10 seconds. A 10 second rest is also needed in between every long contraction. The rest is needed to bypass strain on your muscles.

Let’s do the exercise

Choose the right position

You can perform Kegel exercises while laying on your back or while standing or sitting. But since you are starting out, you will begin the exercise while laying back. When you will get used to the workout, then you will be able to try the other two postures.

Contract & relax

  • Short contraction

Contract the muscles of pelvic floor for 3-5 seconds

Relax for the same time limit

Repeat the exercise 10x thrice a day

  • Long contraction

Contract the muscles of pelvic floor for 5-10 seconds

Relax for the same time limit

Repeat the exercise 10x thrice a day

Don’t stress on other muscles

When you are doing Kegel exercises, your focus should be primarily on the muscles of pelvic floor. Make sure, you do not contract the leg, buttock or abdominal muscles while performing the exercise. Experts advise to keep one of the palms on belly to identify unwanted abdominal actions.

Start small

You will start with shorter time-periods and then gradually move on to longer periods. For shorter contractions, start with 3 and then  move to 5 seconds once you are habituated with it. In regards to long contractions, start with 3-5 and then graduate to 10 seconds.

Aim for 30-40 Kegels

Your aim should be to perform minimum 30-40 Kegel exercises every day. However, don’t just perform all the sets at once as it will place excessive stress on pelvic floor. It’s better you distribute your exercise routine all across the day.

Benefits of Kegel exercises

  • Control on stress incontinence

Kegel exercises enable one to keep control on stress continence that otherwise leads to spontaneous urine discharge with sudden increase of abdominal pressure.

  • Prevents urine incontinence post childbirth

Pelvic muscles in women tend to stretch & weaken in times of childbirth. It leads to unwanted muscle sag and urinary incontinence. Kegel exercises work to strengthen the muscles of pelvic which rectifies the sagging issue and prevents urinary incontinence after childbirth.

  • Improved sex life in women

Kegel exercises also work to enhance sex life in women by improving their sexual health. These workouts enhance blood circulation into vagina and keep the organ in its best form. You will benefit from

  • more relaxed and flexible vagina which can prevent pain in times of intercourse
  • enhanced sexual arousal
  • Increased chances of orgasm
  • increased lubrication in vagina

Signs of stronger pelvic floor:

  • Longer time in between bathroom visits
  • Greater ability to hold longer contractions & perform more repetitions
  • Fewer toilet mishaps
  • Drier underwear
  • Less frequency of feeling wet

You can’t expect to see overnight results with Kegel exercises. It’s a slow but steady process and within 2-3 months you will definitely notice visible improvements.

Bondage Role Play Scenes for Kinky Couples

I started experimenting with bondage a long time ago, when a friend gave me a pair of leftover handcuffs from a Halloween costume. They weren’t those cutesy kind with fluff around them, but made from heavy metal with a secure lock and key.

What can I say, I haven’t looked back. The next bondage restraint I tried was guitar cables used by a musician lover. That was hotter than hell, and I will now use cables and wires when there’s no specific bondage accessories around… everyone has a drawer of wires or extension cords lying around, right?

After bondage came role playing, and it’s probably my favorite kink. I love pretend play with partners, whether it’s carefully planned out theater or spontaneous bedroom banter without all the bells and whistles.

Bondage Role Play Scenes

Break and Enter. This scene works well for couples who have a distinct d/s relationship. The unassuming submissive will be chilling out in front of the TV when the perp surprises them with a hand over their mouth. The intruder has brought restraints to tie their victim up with, and what follows and how far you go is up to you and your lover.

Sex Slave. This is another scenario that can be playful or go the other way with punishment and reward as part of the action. Some doms have actual sex slaves, but for amateur bdsm enthusiasts this can remain tame and fun. You can demand sex acts while your slave is in restraints, or even leave your slave tied up while you leave the house for a short time if you have enough trust in the relationship.

Arrest and Interrogation. I like this role play for its good-cop, bad-cop dynamic. It’s perfect for threesomes, but whoever plays the police can waver back and forth between personalities if there’s only two players. This scene also lends itself beautifully to other kinks too, like crossdressing, spanking, flogging, gags, and spatial confinement. There are so many ways this crime-and-punishment scene can go with a little imagination.

What role playing scenes with bondage do you love acting out?