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Joyful Musings--a weekly blog


Filtering by Category: parenting

How To Help Your Teen Daughter Boost Her Self Confidence

Elisabeth Stitt

This piece is written by Tyler Jacobson. I like having a dad’s perspective and find his wish for his daughter especially touching because I’m not sure men always articulate in their mind how much they want their daughters to have a voice. Tyler expresses it as, “ I wanted [my daughter] to be confident and comfortable in who she is, in spite of constant outside voices clamoring for her to conform and be someone else.” In this blog Tyler describes his own personal approach with reference to what the experts say about each step.

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Squeezing Both Quality Parenting Time and Quantity Parenting Time Out of Your Week

Elisabeth Stitt

At the end of the day, family is about being together and feeling like a connected unit.  With very little time in the week left over for parenting and family time, it is essential to be deliberate about the choices you make for your family--both by protecting the time you do have together and by making sure that time is quality time.  Here are some tips on how to do that.  

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Elisabeth Stitt


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Sleeping, Eating, Pottying...Follow Your Child's Lead

Elisabeth Stitt


Having a regular routine helps.                               




Don't worry.  You're child won't go to college in diapers!                                            




Natural vs. Logical Consequences

Elisabeth Stitt

Natural vs. Logical Consequences

Some people are confused by the difference between natural and logical consequences.  Actually, it is not that hard.  A natural consequence is what is going to happen anyway if no one takes any action.  Leave the milk out all night?  It will go bad.  A logical consequence is the choice a parent can make to deal with that reality.  If a child leaves the milk out all night and the milk goes sour, the parent can choose to let the natural consequence stand (You may drink no milk or sour milk.) or he can impose a logical consequence.  The purpose of the logical consequence is not to punish.  It is to improve an unpleasant situation, to make a wrong a right or to impress a lesson upon someone so she realizes the impact of her actions. 

In the case of logical consequences, there are often a variety of choices that will serve the purpose.  Sour milk likely affects the whole family.  In that case, a parent may choose to not make the rest of the family suffer the natural consequence of sour milk and may find a way for the child to make it up to her family.  To be effective, a logical consequence must be related to the situation.  It does not make sense, for example, to take away t.v. privileges for forgetting to put the milk away.  What does make sense is to get more milk.  So, one logical consequence might be that you send your child to the store for more milk.  If she is too young to go by herself, you could agree to drive her, but now her mistake is taking you extra energy (not to mention money).  There are lots of ways she could make that up to you. 

Note that this entire situation can be dealt with in a matter-of-fact tone.  The parental script might go something like this:

Yuck, the milk has gone sour.  Ana, I think you were the last one to have milk last night. What needs to happen now?

I don’t know. 

Well, I guess we can do without milk until shopping day, but that doesn’t seem fair to everyone else.

But, Dad, I didn’t mean to.

I can hear that you feel bad about it, Darling, but we still need to make this right. What can be done to fix this situation?

You could go to the store and get some more.

That’s true, but I need to sort the laundry and get it started right now. 

What if I sort the laundry for you, Daddy? I know how to pick out the white laundry and how to start the machine. 

That sounds like a good solution.  What about the cost of the milk?

I guess I should pay for it.  I have two dollars left from my allowance.  Is that enough?

Well, it is not enough to pay for a new gallon container, but the container that went sour was more than half used already, so I think two dollars will cover it. 

Thanks, Dad!  I really appreciate you going to the store for me.  I’m sure going to remember to put the milk away next time.

You’re welcome, Ana.  [Hug, kiss]

Here are some of the lessons Ana might get from this exchange:

            •People make mistakes, and it is not the end of the world

            •When someone makes a mistake, it is okay to empathize with her without                            rescuing her.   

            •When we make mistakes, the decent response is to try to make the situation right.

            •If we need help making the situation right, we can ask others for help and then                   offer to do something for them to make their life easier. 

            •Mistakes and making up for them do not change the love and affection families            feel for each other.

Here are the principals to keep in mind with logical consequences:

            •They are not punishments; they should not shame the child.

            •The are similar to what an adult would need to do in a comparable situation.

            •As much as possible, the child should find a solution for making it right (keeping

             in mind that a younger child might need ideas for appropriate solutions).

            •The consequence must be reasonable and age appropriate.  Clearly, it is not reasonable to ask a four year old to pay the total cost of replacing a window, but she could pay a portion of her allowance and then offer to do some extra chores.  (Yes, I know that supervising extra chores is extra work for you; the pay back will be the lesson your child has learned.)

            •Your child is learning.  She is going to make lots of mistakes and lots of poor choices as she grows.  What you are doing is helping her learn how to recover as much as possible when her actions have had negative effects. 

One additional note:  Wherever possible, try to help your child anticipate what the natural consequence of their actions is going to be.  The natural consequence of not locking up your bike, for example, is its getting stolen.  A child may be able to see that far, but he may not see the consequences of not having a bike: You might have to get up earlier so you can catch the bus to school; you might have to do extra chores to pay for the bus tickets; you might have to give up soccer so that you have time on Saturday to do the extra chores.  The more you have helped kids think these situations through, a) the more likely they are going to think about the importance of, say, locking their bikes and b) the more likely they are going to handle the consequences with less drama. Making a mistake and suffering the consequence gives a child a marvelous opportunity to take responsibility and show how capable he can be.  But I remind you again, this is a learning process!  It might takes a lot of iterations before the lesson is fully absorbed. 




Building the Consistency Muscle: Tip 6: Prepare Physically for Battle

Elisabeth Stitt




Building the Consistency Muscle: Tip 5: Preparing for Battle

Elisabeth Stitt





Building the Consistency Muscle: Tip 4: Anticipate the Need for Consequences

Elisabeth Stitt

Let's review the first three steps to becoming a more consistent parent:

1.  Find the Positive:  Start noticing your kids and pointing out behavior you are liking.

2. Follow Through on Your Promises:  Teach your kids your word is good.  

3. Pick Your Battles:  Being consistent is hard, so stick to the values you really care about.

So far, everything you have done to build your consistency muscle has been in stealth mode--your kids haven't known that you've been doing all this hard work.  Now is when it get's real, when you are going to set an expectation and then hold the limit.  This will probably mean that you need to have a consequence ready--one that you can absolutely follow through on.  

The hardest part of following through with children when you it is something is knowing in the moment what your next step is going to be.  Let’s say you and your partner have come to agreement that a particular expectation is important to you.  Perhaps you really want family members to speak respectfully to each other.  You are committed to calling your children on it every time.  So, the first time one child puts his sibling down, what are you going to do about it? 

The exact next step is not so important as long as you both agree on the step, and as a general rule the reaction needs to get a little stronger each time.  When thinking about consequences, it has to be something you are willing to carry out, or there is no point in putting it on the list.  Go do half an hour research on line and you will find lots of strong opinions on consequences. 




One final note:  If the rule is In this family, we speak respectfully towards each other, that includes you!  If you or your partner uses sarcasm or insults or a disrespectful approach with children or adults, you need to follow the same stream of consequences.  If it is really hard for you to curb your language, get some help.  Find a coach, see a counselor.  Do whatever it takes to figure out what the block is.  In the meantime, be prepared to model taking your consequence with good graces!



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