Over the last few years, I’ve noticed dating patterns of single people who are looking for relationships (as opposed to people who are single and not looking). It's become more and more clear that there are certain behaviors and habits that don't make it easier to find that desired special someone. We've all possessed one or more of the following behaviors at some point in our lives, myself included. However, I believe these patterns can really become problematic when you unwittingly practice one or more consistently. It is possible to improve upon ourselves without actually changing who we are as individuals, and being single myself, I try to remain self-aware by continuously asking myself if I am exhibiting any of the behaviors I’m about to list.

1. You judge dates based on their careers.

It happens all too often that we judge someone based on what their job is. And in the age of online dating, it’s often before even meeting them. While sometimes there is merit to those judgments, the majority of the time we’re jumping to conclusions too quickly. I don’t believe our jobs or even careers always define us and I find that asking someone what they’re passionate about as opposed to what they do for work is a much better way to get to know them.

2. Your Q&A on dates involves way more "A" than "Q."

The most frequent feedback I get from dates I set up is that one of the parties was talking too much and not listening. Time and again, the conversation is one-sided, questions aren’t evenly distributed, and people cut off their date mid-sentence. Then typically the person who did most of the talking thinks the date went well while the other person doesn’t exactly agree. Most of the time over-talking on first dates stems from anxiety and nervousness, but it can also stem from straight-up unawareness. Whatever your reason may be, your date may see it as disinterest or narcissism. People want you to ask questions about them and if you’re genuinely interested in getting to know your date, you’ll want to learn from their answers. Be conscious of how long you’ve been talking and instead of waiting to speak when your date is talking, listen to what they’re actually saying.

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS, Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, 2003. (c) Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection©Paramount/Courtesy Everett Collection

3. You regularly flake on plans with potential partners.

Unless you have an immediate, amazing, cinematic-like spark with someone you met at your local coffee shop and fall in love on the spot, you’re going to have to put some work into scheduling those first few dates with a potential partner. When you know you like someone you’ll go out of your way to make plans, but when you are going on a date with someone you’ve never met it’s easy to find an excuse to do something else and bail... even if that something else is just staying home by yourself. It’s a good rule of thumb that if you go on a first date and want to schedule a second, do so within a week. People lose interest easily when there are large gaps of time between dates, especially in the beginning stages.

4. You assign blame where there's no fault.

Blaming negative dating experiences on everyone else and keeping a bitter attitude from one date to the next is unfortunately all too common. If this sounds like you, I honestly don’t blame you. Dating can be frustrating, emotionally draining, and exhausting. I encourage my clients to approach each date as a completely new venture and not generalize or judge based on past experiences.

It also happens often that two people will go on a date and one person winds up being interested but the feelings aren’t reciprocated. The person who gets their feelings hurt decides that the lack of interest is the other person's fault, when in reality, there’s nothing wrong with a person just because they don't feel as strong of a connection as the other person does. It is completely freeing to accept that not everyone is going to be into you, and instead of putting the onus on the other person to like us, we should continue the search for a mutual connection.


HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS, Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, 2003. ©Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection©Paramount/Courtesy Everett Collection

5. You're still fixated on an ex.

I’ve talked to many single people fresh out of relationships and marriages who think they’re ready to hop back into something new almost immediately. Sometimes they are, and sometimes even though they know they want nothing to do with their ex, there is a negative aura around the topic which can seep out in conversations on dates. It’s almost always a red flag for me if someone speaks negatively about their ex and I try to steer clear of setting up my clients with them. This doesn’t mean you have to be BFF with your ex, but you should be at peace with your past relationship and with how and why things ended before looking to get into a new relationship.

6. You're focusing too narrowly on "the one."

Simply put, if you have a checklist of things you absolutely need in a partner, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. I know I sound like a broken record, but I work with people all the time who reject matches because they never thought they’d end up with someone like that, whatever that may be. You may say you don’t want to settle, but I say it’s not settling — it’s keeping your mind open to the fact that you may fall in love with someone who doesn’t fit your perfect mold. That being said, I do believe a short list of deal breakers is completely fine, but it should be just that: a short list. What matters is how you two connect in the present moment and if the positive outweighs those missing traits or unexpected quirks, you'll know that person is worth pursuing.

Even if we stay self-aware and continue to work on the best version of ourselves, I really think the majority of us single folks are single because we haven’t met the right person at the right time. It’s no small task to find someone you have that special chemistry with who also shares your views, interests, and goals. While it may not be a small task, I do think there are a handful of people out there for everybody and as many bad dates as I’ve witnessed and been a part of myself, there’s been just as many if not more magically amazing ones.

More Dating Intel:


But if you'd rather leave it up to the cosmos...