Maripat Robison

Maripat Robison

Oct 24, 2013

Congress Has A Halloweenie


There's a recent study that shows the odds you might be getting divorced based on your behavior this Halloween, right down to the costumes you wear and fight over. Take the test below and get ready to eat ALL the kid's candy this year, or maybe none, because you might be looking for a new mate.

1. Your husband's best friend is having a huge Halloween party, so he came home with:
a) a sexy french maid's costume   b) handcuffs & leather speedo  c) a burqa  d) quart of milk

2. At last year's Halloween party you were shocked when you found your:
a) husband cleaning up  b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) wife kissing a dwarf d) lost snickers bar

3. You are always the one to take the kids (pugs, or cats) trick-or-treating because:
a)  first dibs on candy  b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) you're the better driver
d) french fries

4.  Decorating for Halloween is:
a) fun  b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) a good way to clean up the house d) candy corn

5. You always dress as a clown because:
a) you work in Congress  b) handcuffs & leather speedo  c) Pilsner beer  d) it makes the dwarf feel better

6. Halloween's a good time to get drunk because:
a) french maid's costume looks better  b) handcuffs & leather speedo c) there's no bad time d) Greek yogurt

If the majority of your answers were:

A's  -  The good news is one of every two might stay married. You're an average American, with a husband willing to clean up if  only you'll wear the sexy french maid outfit. You religiously "test" your children's candy, because you have your favorites, and deserve to eat them. After all, who's doing the driving? On question three, you get to pick A and C ( See earlier blog, Can't Pass This). A final note; with all that candy, you'll look better as the french maid if there's lots of drinking going on.

B's - It was a good thing you could keep the congressional gym open during the government shutdown because it's essential that you look your best in your costume of choice (B).  Now put down that copy of  Fifty Shades and get back to work, before we pass The Congressional Reform Act of  2013 and ask for a divorce.

C's - 'C' as in "Can't stay Married." You're ashamed of your body, your wife's body, and you will probably fight over who gets to wear the burqa. Of course you found your wife kissing the dwarf  because you drink Pilsner beer like a fish and  drove her to it. Your idea of decorating is to empty your fridge out which is actually kind of smart because it's the scariest crap in the house.

D's - mostly a cut and paste error from my fitness pal food diary. Enough said.

Oct 10, 2013

It's Official - I'm A Bot

I've just made a horrible discovery about myself. 

Since I married John and started hanging out with the Aspergers crowd, I've gotten used to being maybe the 150th smartest person in a room of 150 people. It's no big deal, even though I started out with such promise, skipping the 3rd grade and all.  I know that's a sad intellectual claim to fame, but I can admit that I don't have the brainpower my mate has. So what if I'm not good at puzzles, pattern recognition, or logic tests?  I'm a great speller: *ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM*. 
It used to be that when I was alone in the room, I was the smartest in the room. Really, really smart. 

I'm sorry to say that's now been spoiled for me as well. You might know what I'm talking about. It's that horrible CAPTCHA test I have to keep taking over and over to prove my intelligence is not artificial. I fail it all the time. 

The first time it happened, I was outraged. I had just written a series of witty and insightful remarks countering an imbecilic post about how honesty is important in sex (wait till you are 50+ standing naked in front of a window at 8 am, and we'll see how you feel about sexual honesty then, Zach Rosenberg) and because I couldn't find a way to replicate those squirmy letters, I wasn't able to leave my comment. 

Why? Why was I so bad at these? Unwilling to admit that I had been skating by for years because I could surreptitiously check definitions on my iPhone behind my napkin at the dinner table, I went right to the source...Google Scholar...where I found this:

 Finally, an explanation!  After reading this fascinating chapter,  I understand CAPTCHAs, and I don't have to add failing Turing tests to my list of other insecurities (fatness, wrinkles, something-in-my-nose, shortness, frumpiness, not-being-funny). And if I ever do fail again, I have another acronym: Cannot Actually Print The Crap Here Accurately, so I won't have to feel too bad about being artificially intelligent, either.