MiSTed: "Ani MAYHEM !" Original Story by Elizabeth Berndt MiSTing by JenWhite6@aol.com [Interior, The Green Room in the Ghost Planet Industries building. One side of the room is dominated by a large screen, which shows the empty set of "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". Brak, Lokar, and Tansit are in the Green Room. Lokar is reading some dusty tome. Brak and Tansit are at the microwave. The bell dings. Brak takes a popcorn bag out and dumps it into a bowl, then begins grating a small cube over it with a cheese grater.] Lokar: What *are* you doing? Brak: I'm showin' Tansit how to make Popcorn ala Brak! You pop your popcorn, then flavor it with beef bouillon like so. Lokar: How ... inimical. Brak: [proudly] I like to think so. Want some? Lokar: Er, no. I'm a vegetarian. Brak: Oh. okay. [Brak sits down with the popcorn bowl. He and Tansit munch on the popcorn. Tansit does this off-camera, for convenience's sake.] Tansit: [through a mouthful of popcorn] Mmm, this is good! Brak: I'm a popcorn genius. And they won't let me cook on the show anymore. It's their loss! Tansit: Say, who's the guest this week? Brak: I dunno. We won't see it, anyway. Lokar: Why? Brak: Zorak's gonna send us another story. Lokar: WHAT?! [Lokar rounds on Brak, but before he can say anything Zorak's image appears on the monitor. We hear the sounds of the doors locking shut.] Zorak: Did I hear my cue? [Lokar sputters angrily at Zorak] Zorak: [as Lokar sputters] BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice, shame on YOU! I have another bit of crud for you from the same author as "True Origin of Nathan Mallard". This time it's so bad, she had to combine TWO series to get all the crumminess in! Lokar: You live to torment me, don't you. Zorak: You got it! Get comfy, here it comes. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Lokar: [with an air of resignation] Let's get this over with. R-r-r-r-r- roll the cr-r-r-r-rap. [Zorak's image disappears into static, which is replaced two seconds later with the words:] > A Crossover Between Darkwing Duck and Sailor Moon In a story I call > Ani MAYHEM ! Lokar: Judging from this writer's preceding efforts, the second part of the title shall certainly be accurate. > Open up the top of your mind, Brak: And you'll find a lot of icky stuff. > Catch the water in your magic paintbox, > Oh, the many colors you'll find. Brak: Nuh-uh. You'll just have muddy brown if you mix all your watercolors. > Rainy Day Sun, by Spinal Tap Lokar: If this little excursion lives up to the standards of this author's previous efforts, a spinal BLOCK would be more appropriate. > Gosalyn stared out the window. "Dad, when is the rain going to stop > ?", she asked. Brak and Tansit: [together] It was a dark and stormy night! [both laugh] Lokar: Just what is so amusing? Tansit: [giggling] Oh, nothing. > "Hmmm It should pass any moment now, I can tell. Brak: [Drake] I looked in my Magic 8-ball. > Whenever there's lightning count "1-1,000, 2-1,000 etc., then when > there is thunder, stop.", Drake said. "Where did you learn that ?", > Gos questioned. "Oh, it's a fact I learned from watching NOVA.", > Drake answered. Lokar: And that little counting exercise proves...? > Gos sat and watched, and tried it out. Her father > was right, the rain had passed ! Tansit: [Gosalyn] Wow! And to think I've been just looking out the window to see if it'd stopped raining! This counting things's MUCH better! > Launchpad came out of the garage > into the kitchen to get a snack. Lokar: It and Runway had had their fill of airport food. > But, Drake, with his super-sensitive > ears could hear LP raiding the refrigerator. Brak: [Launchpad] All right, food, you have the right to remain silent! > He was into the ice- > cream, AGAIN. Brak: What's it sound like when someone gets into the ice cream? Lokar: Hang around Tannie here long enough and you'll find out. Tansit: Oh - you! > "LP, you have got to quit eating my ice-cream !", > Drake scolded. "But, I'm hungry !", LP whined. "Have a cookie > then.", Brak: My Mom wouldn't let me snack on ice cream either. So, I'd let it melt so it'd just be cream, and then it'd be OK to eat it. > Drake said, holding back his anger. Brak: This guy really gets wound up over ice cream, don't he? Tansit: Maybe it was special ice cream. Like mocha fudge ripple. Brak: Or weiner-nilla! > then.", Drake said, holding back his anger. "Hey, Drake I'm going to > visit Liz Lokar: Liz? Liz who?? Brak: It doesn't matter. Betcha we won't hear of her ever again. Tansit: Another redshirt. > It's been a long time since we've seen each other, and I > just wanted to see how things were in Duckberg." LP said. Brak: All the ducks are still frozen into ice. Whatta sight! > "OK. Just > be careful out on the roads. It's still a bit slippery from all that > rain." Drake said. Lokar: And, having accomplished absolutely nothing, Launchpad disappears from the story without so much as a shred of narration. > Drake came back out into the living room, and he > could see Gosalyn was asleep. Since it was getting pretty late, he > carried her up to her room, and tucked her in bed. Lokar: This removing another character from the so-far-purposeless narrative. > "Ah, nothing like > the sweet sounds of silence.", he thought, as he went to his room, for > a long night's rest. Brak: I guess this was his night off from fighting crime, huh? > Meanwhile, in the Negaverse Brak and Tansit: [together] It was a dark and stormy night! Lokar: Will you two- > Negaduck looked toward the sky "Acid rain. Tansit: [to Lokar] See? > I just LOVE acid rain ! Lokar: -in the morning. Smells like ... victory. > It's so refreshing.", he thought, as he walked along. Things were > going quite well. The Friendly Five hadn't caused any big troubles > to his crime life, Lokar: The Friendly Five is brought to you courtesy of Redshirts Incorporated, supplying names to drop into stories with no BLEEDING explanation. > his wife, Nega-Morgana Tansit: His WIFE? Brak: When did they get married? > knew how to keep a hold on > his son, Essobee when he got a little too carried away with his magic > power, Tansit: Well, they have a son. They gotta be married, then. Lokar: One does not need to be married to have offspring. Brak: Yeah. The Great Winged Bird of Tranzar coulda made a mistake and dropped the baby down the wrong chimney. > and everything was just fine. He sang a familiar tune, Brak: [Negaduck, singing] Hello, Darkwing, my old friend... > "Sweating Bullets", as he walked along. The only reason he was > walking along is because, he had nothing better to do. Lokar: Hmph. Any career villain worth his salt should always have some plan in the works. Like creating a mechanical army to subjugate one's foe. Tansit: Or hijacking his ship! Brak: Or drowning 'em in caterpillars! > All of a > sudden, the sky changed from dark black to green. Lokar: *Dark* black. I supposed it changed to *verdant* green. > "Wonderful. Just > what the Negaverse needs another tornado.", Tansit: I'll put the tornado right here, next to the end table. Lovely! > he thought, looking up at > the sky in horror. It wasn't a tornado, it was some kind of portal. Lokar: Ah, the narrative finally shows some sign of a plot! > This was very strange, indeed. Many humans came ascending, Brak: Wait a minute! If the portal was in the sky, then how are the humans ascending? If they did that they'd go into space and explode! > and > they fell to the ground. They were out cold for a while, Tansit: Yuck. I hate cold street pizza. > but > started to regain consciousness. "Where are we, Scouts ?", Sailor > Mars questioned. Lokar: In a crossover devoid of literary merit. But then, considering the series from which they originated, they should feel rather at home. Tansit: Cut it out or I'll give you such a pinch! Lokar: I doubt you have the nerve, you overstuffed otaku-wannabe. > "I believe, Mars, that we are in another > dimension." Tansit: [Magenta] With voyeuristic intention. > Luna, the black cat said. Negaduck's mouth hung open. Lokar: Oh, my gracious, a talking cat! What an incredibly unbelievable thing to see in a world entirely populated by SENTIENT ANIMALS! > Angrily, he walked towards the Sailor Scouts. "Sailor Scouts ?! I > thought you only existed in COMIC BOOKS !", he exclaimed. Lokar: Oh, *marvelous*! Does anyone actually believe that any self respecting villain reads comic books - COMIC BOOKS! - about schoolgirls in sailor suits?! Tansit: Cut it out!! Lokar: I said SELF RESPECTING, Tansit. Present company doesn't count. > He > couldn't believe it. It was as if two universes had mixed themselves > together like a vanilla and chocolate twist sundae ! Brak: [Homer Simpson] Mmmmmm... fanfic crossover... > Villains were > present as well. "The Negaforce is here ! Lokar: [Negaforce] We have a quorum. First item on the agenda- > Be on your guards, Sailor > Scouts !", Artemis , the white cat warned. Rubius walked toward > Negaduck ."Well, look what we have here, girls A duck !", he laughed. Tansit: [Negaduck] That's Neg A. Duck to you, bub! > Negaduck knew who he was, because he had read all of the Sailor Moon > Comics, and Rubius was his favourite villain, just because of his > power. Brak: NEGADUCK reads Sailor Moon?? Lokar: The amateur author all too often projects - or, should I say, inflicts - his or her tastes upon the characters within their narratives, no matter how out of character those tastes may be within the story context. Pathetic, really. Brak: Yeah, but at least "Darkwing Duck" is a cool cartoon. Lokar: [loud sigh] Does anybody but me see the irony in this? > power. "Not just ANY duck, Rubius !", Negaduck glowered. Brak: [singing] Glower, little glowerworm, glimmer, glimmer... > "Then, who ARE you ?", Catsy questioned. "I'm Negaduck, sugar. > Welcome to MY Negaverse." Negs said. Lokar: Ah, nothing like standing around introducing yourselves to break up what might otherwise be a taut narrative. Brak: Gee, back when we were being villains, we never stood around and introduced ourselves. Tansit: It all seems so... friendly. > All of a sudden, Essobee ran > out of Neg's house with Nega-Morgana. "Dad, I couldn't sleep Tansit: [Negaduck] I'll rock you to sleep! Where's a big rock? > HOLY > MACARONI !", he said. "What's going on here ?!", Nega-Morgana > shrieked. Lokar: Ah, the narrative resumes its breakneck pace. > "Think about it, dad If we join forces with the Negaforce we will be > unstoppable, especially against those little wimps the Sailor > Scouts then, again " Brak: Wait a minute. If Negaduck thought the Scouts were just cartoons, then that means they never fought 'em in real life, right? Lokar: You are attempting to find LOGIC in this narrative? One might as well search for internal consistency! > Essobee was cut off by his father Tansit: At the knees. > "We could go to > St. Canard, and make a LITTLE visit." All the villains laughed. Brak: Gee, this brings back all sorts of memories of the old Council of Doom. We'd all just get together at a party and decide to go after Space Ghost. > Just then, the good guys were sucked away through the portal that > remained in the sky Then it closed. Lokar: Thus removing more extraneous characters from our sight. Much like sweeping dirt under a rug. > "Ah, dang ! I wanted to kick > their behinds !", Essobee whined. Lokar: By any chance is this "Essobee" related to the Launchpad who made a similar irritatingly useless appearance earlier? > All the girls, Catsy, Avary, > Prisma, and Birdy were all very nice dressers, Lokar: That's fine, but WHO THE DEVIL ARE THEY?! Tansit: Well, Catsy's- Lokar: SHUT UP! I don't WANT to know! > but Nega-Morgana made > sure that he stayed far, FAR away from those women. Tansit: They had cooties! > "We're going to > take a little trip girls !", Rubius said. We went into the little > bakery store, and were on our way Lokar: Wait a minute! Who the devil is narrating this story?! > Back in St. Canard > The thunder boomed as loud as a napalm bomb. Brak: Oh man. I hate those things. Makes my head hurt. > Gosalyn, frightened, > woke up, and ran into her dad's room. "Dad. Dad ! DAAAD !", she > said. Tansit: This must still be in the Negaverse- Brak: It's in St. Canard, see? Tansit: But it doesn't say which St. Canard. There's two. Brak: Oh yeah. Tansit: And the Negaverse Gosalyn was a real wimp, but the other one wasn't. Brak: Say, what happened to the Negaverse Gosalyn? Lokar: She escaped from these intolerable stories by slipping through a hole in the plot. > "What ?", Drake questioned, half-awake. He thought the storm Lokar: -und Drang- > was gone. They went into the family room, to look out the window. > The sky was green, and a portal was in the sky. Brak: The moon was in the seventh house, and Jupiter was aligned with Mars. [Tansit giggles] > "Now, THIS is > strange.", Gos said, her face twisted with consternation. Tansit: [Gosalyn] Keen gear! Brak: [Gosalyn] Mondo bizarro! Lokar: [to Brak and Tansit] Why don't you two just get it over with and write your own story? > Curious as > she was, she ran outside. Brak: Curious Gos and the Dimensional Portal. > Drake, being the loving father he was, > followed her. Lokar: Somehow, I wouldn't think that it would really be necessary for the writer to justify THIS. She has much WORSE things to answer for. > They looked up at the sky, and the Sailor Scouts came > falling down. "Awesome ! It's Sailor Moon !" Gos said, cheerily. Brak: [Drake] Aaaahhhhh! Hideous beakless mutants! > She ran up to her, with a pen and a paper. Brak: She carries a pen and paper with her to bed? > Sailor Moon autographed > the paper right away, and Gosalyn smiled the biggest smile Drake had > ever seen. Brak: And since a smile is the best umbrella, she didn't get wet in the storm. Hey, maybe I should try that. Tansit: But you can't smile. Brak: Sure I can! Tansit: But your mouth doesn't work that way. Brak: Watch, look. I'm smiling. [exactly the same expression as always] Tansit: Oh, yeah! I see now. Lokar: Hush, you two. This *fascinating* little tangent is only prolonging the agony of this story. Brak: But Mr. Grumpy Bug here never smiles! > Then, another portal appeared, with the Negaforce. > "Ooh, no ! It's the NEGAFORCE !", Gos screamed. Tansit: May the Negaforce not be with you! > "Huh ?", Drake > said, not understanding one bit. Lokar: Consider yourself fortunate. > "Don't you think a certain crime- > fighter by the name of Darkwing Duck would be interested in this ?" > she questioned, a certain authority in her voice. Brak: [Drake] Yes, SIR! Right away, SIR! > "Eh Why not ?", > Drake thought. Tansit: [Drake] Well, I'm up in the middle of the night, and surrounded by beakless aliens, so why not? > He rushed back into the house, changed and was back > out before the Negaforce got a glimpse of who he really was. Brak: [Negaforce] Hey, look! That duck is really ... some other duck! > "I, > along with the Sailor Scouts, will fight this force of evil !" > Darkwing said. Tansit: Oh no! Space Ghost write this episode! > "Let the carnage begin !" Tansit: [Don Karnage] That's Kar-NAGE. Roll the R! > Gosalyn yelled, watching > from a safe distance. The fight was long and brutal, but in the > end, the Sailor Scouts won. Lokar: Once again, the author considerately avoids taxing the imagination of the reader with actual action sequences. Tansit: If she'd written the fight wouldn't the story be a lot longer? [Lokar looks at Tansit for a long moment, then keeps his silence.] > The portals winds became stronger and sucked all of them, even the now > battered Negaforce back into it. Brak: Y'know, the way the portal's been dumping people out and then sucking 'em back in again, nobody should even pay 'em any mind. Just wait a few minutes, and they'll go away again. Lokar: But then we would be left with no story at all. Tansit: Yeah! > "Uhh guys Let's get out of here, NOW !" Negaduck said, running away. Tansit: Run! Before you get caught in ANOTHER story!! > "Well, we won the fight. Now we can at least go back to sleep.", > Darkwing said. Just then, a taxi came by. Launchpad came running > out, straight to DW. "Did I miss anything ?", he asked, dumbly. Lokar: No. Not a ruddy thing. Consider yourself blessed in your bountiful ignorance. > DW groaned. "It's a long story LP ", DW said. Brak: It was *SLP*. > They all went back > inside, knowing such a thing would never happen again, just because DW > knew that the Negaforce would never make such a mistake again. > Lokar: We can only pray that the perpetrator of this piece of offal has as much capability to learn. > THE END > Brak: Hey! My favorite part! > If you liked this Lokar: Seek professional counseling IMMEDIATELY. > check out my crossover between The Mask and Darkwing > Duck. Just another example that I am a crazed, but devoted fan of DW. Brak: (singing) You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all. [takes a cap gun out and fires it twice into the air] > By: Elizabeth Berndt > > June 23, 1997 Brak: Ahh, where are they now? Lokar: In an English class, we can only pray. [The screen dissolves into static.] Lokar: [turning away from the screen] Well, let's summarize this literary fiasco. First we have an irritating domestic scene I suppose is meant to establish the frame of the story, but which in fact contributes nothing. Then we switch to another universe, where a gaggle of humans appear without explanation from a portal in the sky. Brak: At least they didn't fall out of orbit into the author's arms. Lokar: What ARE you talking about? Brak: That happened in another story. [Zorak's image appears in the screen. He is in black and white. A weird microphone feedback whine can be heard in the background. Lokar does not notice.] Lokar: Oh, come now. Nobody would write something THAT puerile. Where was I? Ah. The characters all stand around introducing themselves, then half of them inexplicably get sucked back from whence they came, and the rest go to a bakery, heaven only knows why. Tansit: It's to- Lokar: Silence yourself, I don't want to know. Somehow, the various characters appear n the locale in which the first scene took place, wherever THAT might be. After an autograph session and a one-sentence "climactic" battle, the humans are once again unexplainably sucked away, and the others retreat. The end. Brak: That about covers it. Lokar: [to Brak] And you were AWARE of the caliber of fiction that Zorak intended to inflict upon us?! Brak: Um, yeah. He told me it was gonna be a surprise. Zorak: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! [Lokar, startled, turns to see Zorak on the monitor.] Lokar: You... you...! Tansit: You *fink*! Zorak: You know, I actually wish I *hadn't* done this to you today. Tansit: Huh? Zorak: Yep. Tonight's show would have broken your brains for sure. Brak: Hey, what's that sound? And why are you all gray? Zorak: I dunno. Guess Moltar's havin' trouble in the control room. [Moltar's control room] Moltar: Hey! It's not my fault! [Green Room] Zorak: I'd love to chew the fat - BWA-HA-HA! - but I gotta run. Those nice young men in their clean white coats are coming to pay Space Ghost a visit. Ha ha! [Zorak's image disappears into static. Lokar stalks out of the room.] Tansit: Y'know ... it's actually kinda fun to talk back to these stories. Brak: Yup! There's a lot more, too. Zorak's collected a whole bunch off the Internet. Tansit: Are they ALL this bad? Brak: Yup. [Tansit looks in the direction of Lokar's exit, then snickers.] / | | / |/| / | | / ___________|/|____________ | ______________________ |\ | |J#~#-####*###-##*###+#| | | | |##*#.##-#.##-#.##~##*#| | | | |##+###+##~##+###+#*###| | | | |##-#.##+##.-###-####-#| | | | |#-###-###+#W######-## | | | | |##~#*###-*###*#+#.####| | | | |###~#+#~.##-######~###| | | | |##-#*###-#*~##-#~#.##%| | | | |##+##*#+##+#-##.###+##| | | | |#~##*#####-###~*####*6| | | | ________________________ |/ This MiSTing is copyright (c) by the author, JenWhite6@aol.com. "Ani MAYHEM !" is copyright (c) by Elizabeth Berndt. Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar, Brak, Tansit, and Lokar are copyright (c) Hanna-Barbera. Negaduck and Darkwing Duck are copyright (c) Disney. All "Sailor Moon" characters are copyright (c) Naoko Takeuchi. Essobee McCawber and Nega-Morgana are copyright (c) Kim McFarland. All copyrighted characters are used without permission. This MiSTing was done in the name of humor, and no malice is intended to anyone. > "Well, we won the fight. Now we can at least go back to sleep."