It's ok not to be ok...

Whew it’s been a minute since i’ve been able to hop on here!!! This last month has been super busy. Together Brian and and I attended and even shot multiple weddings! It was the first time we have ever shot a wedding together and as usual he was amazing! I never take advantage of the fact that I have a husband who works so hard at his regular job, then takes time to help me with all of my different endeavorers. It took me a long time to find someone like him, and as many of you know the road to where we are now has been filled with it’s equal amount of heartache. Some of those heartaches still come back from time to time, and when they do it’s important for me to recognize and to be ok with feeling the sadness that comes with it.

Yesterday Brian and I went to the gym together and had an amazing workout. Afterwards we stopped at the grocery store to grab the ingredients we needed to make chicken fajitas!! As we were walking around the store we see a grandmother pushing her granddaughter and we couldn’t help but stop and admire how beautiful the baby girl was. And then it hit me, like a memory that all of a sudden pops up but with that memory comes a tinge of pain right in your gut. Looking at that baby girl, seeing something familiar in her all of a sudden brought up our babies. Three pregnancies that have resulted in miscarriages, one of those being twins. Sometimes when dealing with pain in your life the only way to cope is to push it back really deep and only allow that pain to come out in small doses. It’s like a small leak that slowly drips, each drip releasing a painful jab at you that brings you back to those moments that you try hard to keep at bay. I have learned to allow those moments to happen, and sometimes they come and go with a steady flow and other times they come and sit with you for awhile like a familiar friend checking up on you. When you are lucky to live a life filled with all kinds of experiences. you will sadly know that a lot of those come with their fair share of pain. None of us are immune to it, and how we deal with it dictates what kind of life you will have. If you are lucky, you will have people in your life that will help you heal, and if you don’t have that then you will have to learn to be that for yourself…either way the only way to get through pain is to feel it. We live in a world filled with so many stressors, so much in our face and we see lives on social media that look so effortless. Those images can make us feel alone when we are faced with those painful real life moments. That is when we need to take a break, step away and fully dive into the healing phase. For me it means talking about it. It means hopping on my blog and typing my feelings, because I want to help the 1 in 4 women who will experience this loss. I want to show you that it is something you will carry for the rest of your life, but it is a pain that you can carry and not allow to break you. I want to talk to you and be completely vulnerable and not care about how it makes me look. So here I am, pouring my entire heart out in public, and please understand this hurts, this is scary but if it helps just ONE other woman or even man then it will be worth it!

It’s ok not to be okay. Please read that again…it’s ok not be okay! Life isn’t about having what the next person has, life is a physical experience that takes on through spiritual journeys that is meant to teach us, to make us wiser and maybe one day help someone else in the process. We have all had our share of pain and sometimes we want to ignore our pain if isn’t as “bad” as the next person, like somehow it’s a competition of who has had it worse. We need to stop that, yes there are people who have went through experiences that you haven’t, that you can’t imagine, but your struggle doesn’t lessen because of that. So the first step is to say to yourself, i’m not ok and I need help. That help can come in the form of talking to someone you trust, it can come from journaling, from praying or meditating. You must be honest with yourself before any kind of healing can begin to happen. So let me be brutally honest with you for a moment. ..

When I saw that beautiful little girl in the grocery store my first thought was, I wish I could’ve seen those babies I made with my husband. I can close my eyes and get lost in the what ifs…what if just one of those babies would’ve made it into the physical world. What would it feel like to deliver our baby with my husband by my side grinning from ear to ear. How would those late night feedings be, knowing Brian would never be able to sleep through them. Knowing he would be up with me getting me water, changing the baby after I nursed them, quietly rocking them to sleep so I could drift back. How would those Saturday mornings be as we cheer on our baby at whatever activity our child we be interested in because I know that being Brian’s child means that our child would very active lol. How obsessed I would be if that baby had their daddy’s eyes and infectious smile? Those are the thoughts that hit me out of nowhere and for one second I get lost in those what ifs, and it hurts. It hurts remembering the joy we felt knowing we had created a little soul together, just to have that joy crushed when we saw that 3 little lives would never be. Sometimes the pain punches me in my stomach when I allow myself to remember seeing one of our babies, our second pregnancy that was supposed to be twins, with a low heartbeat…but a heartbeat none the less. Then being sent home with the knowledge that by the following week most likely that baby would not make it, and sure enough one week later our baby would still be there, this time laying to the side with no heartbeat. That moment still haunts me, and having to wait until the ultrasound tech left the room so I could release all of that pain I had in private. That pain will stay with me forever, that I am positive of, but I know how to not let that pain destroy me and rob me of joy. The only way I know how to do that is to still see my life as a gift, to see the family that I have been blessed with and a husband who loves as deeply as I do that he could shed the same amount of tears with me and can help carry some of my pain as well.

We get asked a lot if we will ever have a child together, and my answer always remains the same…if it’s in the plan then yes, but if not then we are okay with that. I have been a mother since I was 17, and for the first time in my adult life I am coming to the end stages of raising my kids. As much as it hurts to see them grow up and lead their own lives, it also brings a new phase for Brian and I that I have never experienced and that is being able to have one on one time and do things just the two of us that we really enjoy. I have allowed our pain be just another connection we both share, and I know that those babies, those precious souls will be waiting for us one day on the other side. For now I can admit when I’m not ok, feel it, process it and then pick myself back up and continue to live the life that God has blessed me with!

I pray that these words can be healing to anyone going through their own struggles. It is a part of life, and if you are blessed to live a long life then hopefully you will also have the opportunity to help someone else with what you have not only lived through but also thrived through!

Have a blessed week and thank you for allowing me to pour my heart out to you once again…