Monday, February 20, 2012

Cancer 411

I was at a party the other night, and cancer came up, as it so often does. In part, I'm sure this is because I still look weird. In a couple months (I hope) I should no longer look like someone who is going through treatment but for now, I do. My way of coping is to talk about it. I don't want people to feel weird about being around me for fear that they can't discuss cancer or my baldness or whatever. Cancer is the elephant in the room and I prefer to just acknowledge the elephant so that other people can too.

I know that people handle cancer in their own ways so I try not to get too worked up if people respond in ways that I think are weird or insensitive. That is just their way of coping. When you get diagnosed, inevitably you run across a website or a blog or just another person warning you that people cope differently; some people are there for you during these times and others aren't. This has been true for me too. I have to say, in general, people have been amazing and supportive and so there for me (even if they are in another country) but some haven't been in touch at all. That is life. Maybe these people don't know what to do, what to say or how to say it. The real truth is, no one does. So I've decided to jot down a few notes for people. I'd like to think I have some insight, but I also know that what is true for me might not be true for every other person with cancer. I'll try to keep my advice general.

1. Don't mention every person you know who has DIED as a result of cancer. THIS IS NOT HELPFUL!!!!!

One person here, in particular, just does not know what to do about me and my cancer. She (I'm giving away secrets here) spent one 15 minute conversation telling me about all the people she knew who had died of cancer. I think it was because she felt like she should talk about the elephant in the room but didn't know what to say. Do you know what isn't at all helpful? Getting the rundown of cancer death tallies from your life! But she isn't the only one. Are people insane!?! I guess it is comparable to those people who like to tell birth horror stories to the pregnant woman in the room. So free advice part 1 is this: if you want to talk about your friends/family with cancer, try to talk about the ones that are doing really well. Please!

2. Don't ask what you can do to help, just do it. 

People asked all the time what they could do. I hate asking people to do things. I hated even thinking of ideas. I felt so rude and demanding, I simply couldn't do it. Were there days I would have liked to have someone drop off food? Yes. Did I ask anyone, ever? No.

In my case, I didn't need a lot of help but I know that isn't the reality for everyone. Free advice part 2: If you know someone with cancer, or any serious illness for that matter, and you want to help, just do whatever it is that you were thinking of doing. Dropping off a meal is probably the easiest thing. If you feel comfortable enough (and you know they won't mind) invade their house and vacuum or dust. Instead of waiting for people to ask, make an appointment to do it, whatever "it" is.

Before this I was totally guilty of saying "if you need anything, let me know," which I completely meant, but rarely did anyone ask for help. In the future I'm going to try and take a page out of my own book and just do.

3. Don't ask "why did you get cancer?" or "what did you do?"

I know this question comes from a place of fear and that people ask it hoping to hear that you did something that somehow explains why you got cancer. Even if I had, which I hadn't, it is still a crappy question to be asked. Free advice part 3: If you really must ask, do it in a round about way and ask if someone has a family history of cancer.

4. Be hopeful, but realistic. 

I've saved the hardest for last. This one is hard to put into words but I'm going to try. One of the things I found most challenging/frustrating was dealing with people who refused to accept the realities of my treatment. For me, this happened primarily about my hair but it could be true for any negative aspect of treatment. Some people insisted that I might not lose my hair. Hair loss, in particular, was a side effect that people wanted to naysay. At the start of treatment my doctors told me I would lose my hair. All of it. My doctor wrote up a list of all my possible chemo side effects and the only one she guaranteed was that one. She wrote out "100%" and then underlined it! However, people actually told me "not to be so negative" and not to make those assumption because, "you never know." If a doctor gives you a 100% certainty (and they almost never talk in certainties) you'd be a dummy to deny it. That approach wasn't helpful. I needed help dealing with losing my hair, not pretending it wasn't going to happen.

Sometime people with cancer have very real fears about death and about treatment that are justified. I have fears about death. However I have about a 10% chance of a reoccurrence; my fear is normal but not rational. In cases like that, having people remind me of those statistics is helpful. It is a bit of a reality check. However, it was justified to be worried about losing my hair because that was going to happen. For other people, it is justified to be worried about death because of the kind of cancer they have or the stage of their cancer. Free advice part 4: Where fear is justified, while it is totally appropriate to encourage people to be hopeful, it is also really important to acknowledge that these fears have foundation and to help people find ways to deal with those fears without denying their validity.


  1. This was really helpful! Thanks Laura. It is definitely awkward as people definitely react to things differently/want different things from their friends.
    As an aside, when I come to Korea I will bring you food/vacuum. Maybe even bring food, spill some, THEN vacuum it up.

  2. I trust you answer the "what did you do to get cancer" questions with something along the lines of "Y'know, in retrospect, using radioactive paint to spruce up my dorm room in university was maybe a mistake." Probably not as satisfying as punching them in the face, but more socially acceptable.

  3. Good for you! I'm happy you're talking about that this... like you said, so many people don't know wtf to say and end up saying all the wrong things. I try to be mindful of these points when I'm talking to someone with cancer(or any other problem, really)... there's no point in always looking on the upside because then the person ends up feeling shitty when they are feeling down and I think the most important thing to do in life is FEEL WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. GET MAD! SAY THE TRUTH! TELL US WHAT BOTHERS YOU! WE CAN HANDLE IT!

    WE LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT! (or how you are feeling!)