Sunday, May 23, 2010


Dear Tommy,

Oh, Tommy, I want to go back in time. I want to do something different, anything different. I remember watching "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" with you recently and there was a scene where the girl got hit by a car and it ruined her professional dancing career. I remember how Brad Pitt was explaining the events that led up to her getting hit and how if any ONE of those things had been different she would not have been hit; she'd still be able to dance. I keep thinking of the million things that led up to your death and how if I could go back and change any ONE of those things you'd still be here, but I can't and that's a hard pill to swallow.
We'd be getting ready to celebrate 5 years of marriage. Five years, Tommy! I remember how your Command didn't want to give you leave to come get married. They thought we wouldn't make it even a year because we were so young and we didn't have a long engagement-- if you want to call it an engagement, lol. Oh man, do you remember how it rained? I thought that was supposed to be a sign of good luck. I guess we shouldn't buy into things like that. I'm sure it's just said to make the bride feel better anyway.
I always felt that if we made it to 5 years then everything would be ok and we'd make it forever. I'm feeling kind of mad tonight. I asked you to wait, Tom. I asked you to wait until after our anniversary and you didn't. I was trying to buy us some time. I needed more time to figure out what to do, how to fix this. I wanted to celebrate 5 years of marriage with you. I was thinking today about how this town is inundated with divorce. Almost every friend I've had down here has gotten a divorce. Some of those surprised me because I felt they gave up over some things that weren't divorce worthy. You and I on the other hand were the ones I thought would have done it by now. We have been through so much and were close at a point, but we never did. We could never go through with it. Our love for each other was too strong.
I remember us saying one time how it would be pointless since we knew we'd end up back together again someday anyway. We knew that life without the other would never be as good as life together. Life together, Tommy, until death do us part. Remember those vows? Well, I guess you sure kept that one *thanks.* Death was supposed to be when we were old and had watched our grand kids grow up, not when we were in our 20s, and definitely Not like this!
I'm sorry Tommy, that my love for you couldn't save you. I know that the things torturing you were far to great and you needed something bigger than I was prepared to handle. I'm sorry for everything as I'm sure you'd be saying to me right now, too. We were so close, Tommy, so incredibly close to everything being fixed. I think that is part of what is so hard. The fact that things were on the cusp of being "all better." I feel numb right now, angry, but numb. The sadness is a constant, but right now I'm burying it. You and I were connected on a different level and I know that I will never have that with another person and really I wouldn't want it. I just want you, but I can't have you anymore. It wasn't supposed to end like this.
I wonder if you "knew." I kept asking for us to make solid plans for our anniversary, but you kept saying "Let's just wait." Normally you'd at least pick a place or talk about it, but you didn't this time. I could feel you slipping away. I just didn't think it would really happen. I thought I had more time to figure it all out. I didn't and I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry We failed you. I don't deserve forgiveness and while I'll never forgive myself I pray that you forgive me. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I can wish all I want, but it won't change anything. I'm here and you are not and I hurt. I miss you and I love you. I fell in love when I was 18. I never stopped loving you, not for one minute and I never will.

Love your Wife,


  1. Katie, you are such a beautiful writer. I'm sure Tom is looking over you and aching with the pain you are feeling. I wish there was something anyone could do to make you feel better...I can only hope that, by writing and getting your feelings out there, that you have some reprieve in this whole ordeal. I will say this now and a million times over...I love you. Don't ever hesitate to call if you need anything. Hugs and kisses!

  2. I don't know what to say except that your writing is beauiful please continue to tell your story. There are many others who have been in your shoes and continue to give them a voice

  3. Thank you that means a lot to me to hear!

  4. Hi Katie. I just happened to stumble upon your blog after updating mine. First I want to say that I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I also want to tell you that I am so touched and moved by your love and passion that comes out in your writing. Keep blogging and keep healing.