9 reasons why waiting to have sex may be the best thing you do for your relationship

Every relationship has its own pace.
Unsplash/Matheus Ferrero

There are a lot of decisions you have to make when getting into a new relationship with someone: when to meet each other's families and friends, how often you should see each other, and when you should have sex for the first time.

Every relationship moves at its own pace, and the most optimal time you should have sex is whenever you're both comfortable with it. But if you're stressing out about wanting to wait for a little into your relationship in order to do the deed, you might actually be onto something.

INSIDER spoke to experts about the benfits of waiting a bit to have sex with your partner.


You'll know if you can trust them.

It gives you more time to know someone's character.
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Having sex can put you in a vulnerable position. For many people, waiting to have sex can allow them to see if the person they're about to get into bed with is someone that they can have faith in.

The more you get to know someone, the more you can suss out their character, and try to figure out if they're someone who won't take advantage of you, won't go further than your limits, and will respect you.

"There's less worry that you'll never see the person again, and more comfort that he or she is interested in you as a person," marriage and family therapist Jill Whitney told INSIDER. "You've had time to begin opening up emotionally and found that your partner was kind and un-hurtful — the sort of person you'd feel more comfortable sleeping with."


You'll have a better idea of what you both like.

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Even if you're not having sex with someone, you should feel free to talk about it. The longer you wait to have sex with your partner, the more you can have conversations about your sexual preferences, limits, kinks, and fantasies.

"You'll become confident about experimenting with the host of diverse positions and techniques, and when anything doesn't quite go according to plan you'll easily shrug it off rather than being impaled with the awkwardness that often comes with first date fumbling," Alex Reddle, chief editor of Flirt.com, told INSIDER. "Once you are completely comfortable with one another, fully appreciative of personality traits and able to anticipate preferences and subtle mood swings, engaging in sex will become way more fulfilling."


Anticipation can make the whole thing sweeter.

There is something appealing about the wait.



"One big loss of moving to sex too quickly is that you don't get the excitement of anticipating it," she told INSIDER. "It can be thrilling to think about what you're going to experience with this person when you're both ready. You can look forward to it, fantasize about it, maybe talk about it — and that's really sexy. The two of you get to savor the messing-around stage and learn each other's body. It's fun."


If you're a person who equates sex with emotion, it will make the experience better for you.

Sex can deepen a bond that you've already created.

Everyone has a different view of what they get from sex. For some it's just a physical act, but for others, sex can be a powerful and emotional act that can bond you and your partner.

When you wait to have an emotional connection with that person and then have sex, it can be a way to bring you two even closer.

"If a couple waits to have sex, then sex often occurs after the couple has established an emotional connection," Rhonda Milrad, social worker and founder of the online relationship community, Relationup, told INSIDER. "Sex is not happening for the physical pleasure alone, but is occurring because two people feel close to one another and want to deepen their bond and commitment. Sex is more satisfying when there is an emotional and physical connection present in the experience."


It gives you both time to get tested.

Unsplash/Matheus Ferrero

Even "safe sex" can provide you with some risks. Ideally you and your partner should both have an up-to-date sexually transmitted infections test, but if you haven't, waiting is a great way to give both of you time to get tested.




You can get really good at kissing.

Waiting on sex can help you improve on the other stuff.
Unsplash/Ian Schneider

Just because you're waiting to have sex with someone doesn't mean that you can't do other physical acts. Putting off sex with someone can allow you to get really good at kissing, foreplay, and other affectionate acts that people often gloss over while getting to the "main event."

"Intercourse doesn't have to be the main meal at the banquet of sexual expression, so if you feel you want to wait and explore other aspects of intimacy then we highly recommend it," Steve Burford, founder of Raw Attraction magazine, told INSIDER. "When intercourse does finally feel right, it will be that much richer."


Research shows you might be happier.


While every relationship is different, studies have shown that there may be something to the act of waiting to have sex in a relationship.

A 2012 study from Cornell University surveyed couples about their relationship happiness, habits, and other intimate questions. Researchers said that participants who waited at least six months to have sex with their partners were actually happier than those who didn't.

Another study, conducted by Illinois State University communications professor Sandra Metts, found that waiting to have sex until after couples said "I love you" had a positive impact on the relationship.

There is no magical timetable, but if these studies are to be believed, waiting just a little bit can do some good.


It can help you protect your feelings.

If you find yourself bonding quickly to those you sleep with, waiting can give you some room to protect your heart.
Unsplash/Carly Rae Hobbins

If you're a person who is in touch with their emotions, you might find that sex bonds you quickly with that person. This can be powerful and helpful with the right person, but if you've coupled off with the wrong one, those feelings of attachment can leave you feeling bound to something unhealthy.

"If intercourse happens too early, emotions or feelings of lack of worth can enter into the interaction if one party doesn't feel there is (yet) connection in other areas to support the sexual connection," relationship coach Susan Golicic told INSIDER. "This can then manifest into conflict and closed-off communication which might interfere with the relationship developing further. And that may mean that even though the two were a match, other issues got in the way of them ever determining that."


You can make sure the person does want a relationship.

Find out if you're on the same page.
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This will come as a shock to all of you, most likely, but newsflash: people lie and people can change their minds.

If you're a person who only wants to have sex with someone you're in a committed relationship with, the best way to do that is to wait until you feel some commitment from that person first before you take the plunge.

Sometimes, the less kind among us can say one thing in order to get what they want, and their intentions may not be so pure. A real partner will respect your wishes and come to a compromise with you about a time-frame and level of commitment you're both comfortable with.

"By waiting to have sex, you allow yourself the opportunity to decide if someone can truly build a long-term, meaningful connection with you and be a worthy and committed partner," therapist and Three Day Rule matchmaker Christie Tcharkhoutian told INSIDER. "People mistakenly search for love, satisfaction, and security in sex when, in fact, sex should be a natural result of a loving, secure, and satisfying relationship."

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