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Dear Buck,
On these long shifts, I get hungry as a bear. In fact, I could eat one but they don’t serve bear at The Hungry Bear Restaurant. Something is seriously wrong here in Critterland.

Davy Crockett, Kilt Me A B’ar when I Was Only Three.

I Know.

Dear Buck,
Has fluoridation promoted healthier teeth in freshwater fish?

H. Mackerel, Offshore, N. Carolina.

Surveys suggest that the fluoride found in toothpaste and dental rinses has been an acceptable substitute.

Dear Buck,
Do I need a fishing license to flip a glowworm in the koi pond behind the Shinto Shrine?

Bubba "Bubba" Bubba, Bass Blaster – Third Place - 1985, On Vacation in a Strange Land.

The Japanese regs aren’t real clear. It’s as if they were printed in another language.

Dear Buck,
Ol’ Davy here again. My coonskin cap needs replacing but Disney supply says they’ll replace it only with one made from artificial skins.

Davy Crockett, Swamp Hollow, Magic Kingdom Back Lot

It’s no skin off their back!

Dear Buck,
I just realized that all my heroes in my bestsellers are all good attorneys. Really neat, huh? Bet even Pat Conroy couldn’t pull THAT off!

J. Gresham, Esq., Standing Firm in My Pelican Briefs

What’s a good attorney?

Dear Buck,
What is that brown stuff that squirts out of worms when you hook them?

Lil’ Pete, Son of Big Pete, Pete’s Resort

True sportsmen call it the spirit of tournament fishing. Fly fishermen liken it to a brown sauce.

Dear Buck,
Don’t tell but my favorite meal is a frozen dinner, the one with roast beef on the cover. The gravy is tasty, the corn adds important color, the potatoes seem fresh from somewhere and the nice aluminum serving tray makes my dentures sing.

Julia, I’m Only A Child, Home On The Range.

Trust me, I won’t tell a soul.

Answering Look
Dear Buck,
Do older park elephants in Africa suffer from prostate problems too?

The Bell Captain, Where Barnum & Bailey Store Their Trunks, FLA

The few practicing elephant proctologists witness more frequent and weaker pachyderm urination but note "the animals were up anyway!"

Dear Buck,
I’ve been going through my grandpa’s literary notes and discovered that he originally planned to call his goofy looking bear, Winnie, The Ca-Ca. I’m glad he settled on Poo, aren’t yoo?

A. Milne, III, Hanging Loose and Not Giving A Ca-Ca since the Big Licensing Sell-out.


Dear Buck,
My little brother, Mikey, seems to like all the angleworms I feed him when Mom’s not watching. How many should he eat in one meal?

Big Sister, The Real Nightmare on Elm Street, Nebraska

Ten unless you substitute grub worms which have half the nutritional value of long worms. Thanks for the update.

Dear Buck,
How do ducks go bathroom, you know, toilet, like #1 and #2 when flying?

Mr. Whipple, Still charmin the grocery girls.

They are supposed to ask for permission to leave the formation before "doing" it. Those who don’t are never asked to lead the flock again.

Dear Buck,
If an omnivore is an animal that also eats meat, where do they shop? Do you think the public would pay good money to watch animals shop?

From the Desk of the CFO, High in Tiki Tiki Land, FLA

Huh? Yes.

Dear Buck,
I’m a scout working on the flyfishing merit badge. In the practice of catch and release, is it ok to step on the fish’s head while pulling out the hook?

A. Farnsworthy, Esq. Jr., The Minor of the Manor.

Only if the hook is barbless.

Dear Buck,
Is the Navy still strapping nuclear warheads on trained dolphins in preparation for the Big War?

General Mad Max, Inside the Bunker with Colonels Colt, Smith and Wesson.

Shhh. Don’t scare the Portuguese tuna fleet.

Dear Buck,
If the guide grabs your Alaskan trophy salmon, can you shoot the guide?

Name Withheld Upon Request, Two Miles Upstream of Where We Last Saw the Guide.

Only if you have a special all-inclusive license.

Dear Buck,
Is the life of the English landed gentry at the turn of the century as boring to you as it was to me? I hated to write such dreck but Merchant /Ivory Films make it all seem so interesting. They have such good sense and sensibilities. Not that I’m prejudiced, of course, just prideful.

Plain Jane Austin, Marching Toward Victoria, Channel #2


Dear Buck,
Do deer like being deer?

Guard, Museum of Natural History, Washington, D.C.

Habitat degradations are producing increasing numbers of urban deer that wold rather be any other large ungulate, a Moose, an Elk or even a Republican. There is no evidence of a deer wanting to be a smaller animal, such as a squirrel except during hunting season.

Dear Buck,
We know that bears go ca-ca in the woods but do you have any sorta conclusive, almost scientific evidence that bears smoke in the woods? We need to know as soon because our new ad campaign depends on it.

Reymondo Julio "Hack, Hack" Reynolds, Kentucky

Lao Tsu, famous Oriental Scatologist, once poised the question "What is the sound of one bear smoking in the woods?". His long suffering wife, Peggy Tsu is said to have remarked "who gives a ca-ca?" of words to that effect as she caught the last rickshaw out of town. Sorry, that’s the bare facts.

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