How International Family Mediation Is Carried Out

Guide sections

About International Family Mediation icon
Section 1: About International Family Mediation

• What is International Family Mediation?
• Can a mediator decide who is right or wrong?
• Is what I tell the mediator kept confidential?
• How much does mediation cost? Who pays the fees?
• My ex refuses to go to mediation. Is mediation possible?

For Which Conflict and When Mediation Can Be Used icon
Section 2: For Which Conflict and When Mediation Can Be Used

• What kind of problems can mediation help me to resolve?
• Do courts and administrative authorities know about mediation?
• Can I call in mediation services after a court judgment?
• I do not have access to my children anymore. Can mediation help me?

Reasons for Choosing International Family Mediation icon
Section 3: Reasons for Choosing International Family Mediation

• What are the advantages of going for mediation?
• Why should I go for mediation if we already have lawyers who are helping us?
• My ex does not accept or understand how things happen in my culture...
• I am worried that my partner might take our children abroad and not bring them back. Can mediation help?
• How can we talk to each other in mediation sessions if we cannot do so outside them?

How International Family Mediation Is Carried Out icon
Section 4: How International Family Mediation Is Carried Out

• How can the mediation be carried out if we do not live in the same place?
• Can my children participate in the mediation?
• Can I have a discussion with the mediator alone?
• Can I bring a friend or someone to help me in the mediation?
• Can we have two mediators? 

International Family Mediation and the Law icon
Section 5: International Family Mediation and the Law

• Will my rights be respected during mediation?
• Does an agreement resulting from mediation have legal standing?
• What happens if mediation does not result in anything concrete?
• Will the mediated agreement have legal effect in another country?
• Do we have to suspend the legal proceedings in order to go for mediation?
• Will a mediator also give legal advice?

Wrongful Removal or Non-return of a Child icon
Section 6: Wrongful Removal or Non-return of a Child

• I retained my children in my home country and I’m afraid to go back. What can I do?
• How can mediation help me get my child back?
• Is it ever too late for mediation?
• I have the impression that mediation is weaker than a judicial procedure…
• Will mediation work if the contact between myself and the children has been completely cut off?
• My ex has taken the children and refuses to communicate. How can the mediator reconnect us?

First contact

When you first make contact with a mediation service or mediator, you will be given detailed information on the mediation process, including the principles and rules that all the participants have to accept. This information is usually provided individually to each party, but in some cases it may be given to both parties simultaneously, either in a meeting or by phone. The mediator will also discuss the suitability of the case for mediation with the parents.

“The purposes of the process were defined and explained very clearly. Even though I was not thinking about any mediation, it convinced me that it might help.”

 A father

The mediation process

International family mediation can take place in one or several countries, depending on whether the parties that are experiencing a serious conflict still live in the same country or one of them has relocated to another one.

Once both parties have agreed to commence mediation, it takes the form of consecutive meetings. Depending on the mediation service, these meetings can last between one-and-a-half hours and three hours. The number of sessions depends on the circumstances of each case.

In situations of wrongful removal or non-return of a child, where the time frames play an important role and tension is especially high, the mediation can be held in blocs. This can be done over two or three days, from morning to evening with pauses. These mediation sessions are organised in accordance with travel and accommodation arrangements of the parent who travels.

In a classic mediation setting, both parties meet face-to-face in one room, with one or two mediators, as well as translators or cultural interpreters if needed. However, if the circumstances require it, the mediation can be conducted online through an Internet connection. Once a mutually acceptable agreement has been reached, a final face-to-face meeting may be all that is required to finalise it.

In some cases, it may be necessary for a mediator to conduct part of the mediation by shuttling between the parties, holding discussions with each in turn and conveying their views and questions to each other. This could happen, for example, where one parent is afraid of the other or feels too dominated to proceed, or where parents living in countries that are far apart do not have access to modern communication technologies.

Shuttle mediation may also be used initially in some cases to give the parties the opportunity to express their concerns freely to the mediator, particularly when the conflict is very intense and arouses strong reactions in the participants.

Many mediation structures work with two mediators for cross-border family conflicts. Usually, they will both be present during mediation. When the parties live in two different countries, there may be a mediator in each country. They always work together and are not there to represent one or the other party.

“Being allowed to leave at any time for the toilet, a cigarette or coffee breaks was a huge help. This eased the overall   atmosphere.”

 A mediation participant

“I felt safe within the mediation process, and I feel that having the mediators present enabled my ex-husband and I to overcome our emotions and talk rationally about the welfare of our son.”

 A mother

“The very fact that we entered a room with two people present who were unbiased helped my husband and I to communicate and defused a lot of the animosity between us. The fact that those two people were skilled, experienced and compassionate towards our situation only helped further.”

 A mediation participant

Methods used by mediators

Mediators do not take sides. They do not form judgements or give personal opinions about what any participant says. They help all the participants to maintain respect for each other and for each other’s cultures.

They listen attentively to what is said, repeating and reformulating what each participant is saying in order to ensure that there is no misunderstanding and that each party understands the point of view of the other.

They observe reactions and ask questions that assist in advancing matters in a constructive way towards solutions that work for everyone, reflecting the needs of different members of the family, and above all those of the children.

At the end of the process, they summarise for the parents the proposed contents of the agreement between the parties and make sure that they are understood by all the participants. This agreement is generally called a mediated agreement, Memorandum of Understanding or Mediation Summary.

Mediators are ethically bound to maintain confidentiality and thus not to disclose to third parties any information that comes up during mediation.

“The presence of a third party discourages use of foul language, walking off, etc.”

 A father

Participants in the mediation

A conflict between parents has an impact on their children and may additionally affect their relatives and friends. Thus, the parents might want to include some of these people in the mediation.

If the children are of an age where they can express themselves independently and there is no risk of their participation having a negative impact on them, the mediator will, under certain conditions, welcome their inclusion in the mediation provided both parents agree to it.

It is important to note that the participation of children is a specialised form of mediation. It has been developed primarily to give parents a better understanding of how their children are coping during a separation and what their needs are; to give children a voice in a matter that concerns their daily life and future; and to respect the internationally recognised right of children to be heard in judicial and administrative procedures concerning them.

Children are included in the mediation process only with the formal agreement of the mediator, both parents as well as of the children themselves. The children have to be mature enough to be able to express themselves.

The mediator has to ensure that they understand that they are only being asked to voice their views and feelings, not to take sides in the conflict, and above all not to take any decisions. All this is done under the careful guidance of a person trained in the participation of children in mediation.

It is customary for children to speak independently with the mediator, without the parents being present. In some countries, a child psychologist conducts (or also has to be present during) such discussions. The mediator - or the child psychologist, if present - later carefully shares key aspects of the discussion with the parents, while making sure that they do not feel they are being criticised or rejected by their children. This specialised form of mediation that involves children is generally referred to child inclusive mediation.

With older adolescents, direct participation in mediation is sometimes helpful and possible. A mediator using a systematic approach may also propose that younger children be heard in the presence of the parents, the mediator helping the children to express their needs in front of them. In any case, children are never asked to take decisions, and if they have a preference for any part of their discussion to remain private, that is respected, provided of course that this privacy does not jeopardise the safety of the child or anyone else.

Evidence is growing that, when well conducted, this involvement empowers children, and creates for parents a new level of awareness of their children’s experiences. This, in itself, can greatly assist parents to find better ways of managing their conflict so as to minimise its impact on the children.

The participation of children in mediation can be a delicate matter, depending on the country and the culture in which the family is living. In a large number of cultures, it is difficult to imagine that children can give their point of view in decision-making on a problem that is perceived to concern adults. In addition, many mediation professionals do not feel they are sufficiently trained in how to involve children in mediation. That is why the participation of children in mediation is still rare.

The inclusion of people from outside the immediate family (uncles, aunts, godmothers and godfathers, nannies, teachers, wedding witnesses and others who might play an important role in the life of the participants) also requires the agreement of the mediator and both parties in the conflict. The mediator has to evaluate their relevance to the mediation.

Even though external parties cannot make decisions about the issues that come up during mediation, their presence can often turn out to be valuable, sometimes essential. What form the participation of external parties takes varies, depending on the cultural environment in which the mediation is taking place and the code of conduct adopted by the mediator.

“The mediator was amasingly patient and he helped my mother see sense. I was able to tell the two of them what I had in my heart and that I wanted to get to know my father, who had been away for eight years.”

 Justin, 14 years

“I knew that my parents loved me. The mediator helped me tell my parents that I did not want to decide, and that really lifted a weight off my chest.”

Alexander, 11 years

Other people who might participate

There is another category of people who might participate in a mediation session, by virtue of the role they play in supporting the family or as community leaders. These fall into three groups: professionals working with families, such as lawyers, social workers or psychotherapists (however, lawyers will not participate actively in the discussions); persons supporting the family in the area of spiritual practices or traditions (imams, rabbis, priests, chaplains, etc.); and persons playing an important role within the community of which the parents are a part. Their participation would first be discussed with the mediator and they would also be bound to confidentiality.

Find out how to prepare for mediation and which issues are generally addressed in mediation here

“It would be very positive if someone from the Shariah Council could intervene because a lot of people seem to be ignorant about what Islam says. If mediators could back up their reasoning with what Islamic law says that would be brilliant.”

 A woman