Takes a Village

You know what I've been thinking lately? This is going to sound sappy, so bear with me, but I've been thinking this: I really feel like the Internet has been helping me with my wedding.

Okay, that came out totally wrong. That came out, like, "hey, have you heard of this great thing called the Internet? You can order things on it FROM YOUR COMPUTER. I know! From a little box! And you can do research! On the same little box! Boy howdy, this "Internet" thing sure is helping me out with my wedding. By the way, is it still 1995?"

And that is not how I meant it at all.

(Though that does remind me about an old friend of mine, whose mother was telling her about some new blinds a neighbor had bought. "She got a really good deal on them," said my friend's mother, "because she got them on the Internet." "Where on the Internet?" asked my friend, taking a mild and perfunctory interest in the neighbor's new blinds. "On the Internet!" replied my friend's mother, perplexed. "You know, just...on the Internet! What do you mean, where on the Internet? I just told you she got them on the Internet!")

(I still think there is a certain segment of a certain generation who believes that The Internet is some large all-hours department store THAT SELLS EVERYTHING KNOWN TO MAN.)

Anyway! I seem to have got way off track here. What I was actually trying to say is that I feel like the Internet, you guys, have helped me out so much with my wedding over the last eight or nine months that it's been like having a very large cheering squad of aunties all encouraging me and supporting me and waving me on to the finish line. You've calmed my fears, you've helped me make decisions, you've dispensed advice, and, in the case of many of you, you've emailed me with suggestions for caterers and cars and rehearsal dinner restaurants, and a million and one other things, and---even more importantly---you haven't thrown your hands up in disgust when it's taken me an unforgivable amount of time to reply to those emails. It just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to think about how invested so many of you are in this thing we're doing, how kind and generous you've been with your help and advice. Aaaaaaaand now I'm going to stop before we all barf on each other, alright? Yep, I think we can agree it's time.


So we had a fairly tumultuous weekend, wedding-wise---seriously, is there any other kind of "-wise" at the moment?---filled with a few ups and a pretty major down. On the plus side, we ordered my wedding band (sparkly!) and I went to my first dress fitting ("make it so tight that I can hardly breathe," I told the seamstress; "Ah," she said, "breathing's overrated anyway,") but on the down side, we.......hmm, how do I say this? Well, we had a groomsman quit.

Yeah, WHAT? was pretty much my first reaction too.

Internet, I have thought about this all weekend, and I have gradually managed to become less and less sour about it, and trust me, at first I was so sour that if you'd taken a bite out of my arm, you would have spat it back out and reached for a lemon instead. I am trying to be the bigger person here---or at least the medium-sized person---and I am trying to understand and to forgive and forget, but really, tell me: who does that? Who drops out of the (three-man) wedding party six weeks before the wedding? Who does it having agreed to the commitment back in January, having attended the engagement party, having MAILED IN THE RSVP CARD ALREADY? Who does that? You know?

The excuse, if it matters, is that "he can't afford it." And yes, I know times are tough, and far be it from me to hypothesize on anyone else's financial situation, but just.....don't agree to it in the first place then, you know? Don't go to the engagement party. Don't say how excited you are about the bachelor weekend. Don't send in your RSVP card and say you're coming, and then call the groom a week later and say you know what, I know you had to think long and hard about who to have in your wedding party and you chose me because we've been such great friends for so many years, but listen, I've decided to quit my job soon and go back to school for a bit, so something's got to give financially, and I guess that something's your wedding. Whoops! Sorry, pal! Hope you weren't looking forward to having me stand up there at the altar with you on your big day!

I just.....I think it's a little unforgivable, that's all. I know, I know, I know that the economy isn't exactly booming right now, that the streets aren't paved with gold,  that everyone's tightening their belts a little, but......I mean, it's not like we're asking this guy to go to London for the wedding; he lives in Northern California, the wedding's in Southern California, most of our friends have found flights on Virgin America for $39 each way, and besides, he agreed to make this trip back in January---I don't want to be rude, but it's hardly a last minute surprise.

It's not that I'm bothered about what it means for the wedding, because when it comes down to it, Sean and I can get married with just the two of us and a priest, and besides, we'll figure something else out. No, what really bugs me about this sudden "hey, I've decided I don't want to be in your wedding anymore," the thing that makes me so sour about it, is the simple fact that he's just really disappointed Sean. He's just made Sean so unhappy. And when someone makes Sean unhappy, I can't help but go all Caroline Manzo about it, because REALLY? YOU'RE GOING TO HURT THIS GUY? YOU'RE GOING TO DISAPPOINT THIS GUY? YOU'RE GOING TO LET THIS GUY DOWN? I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH, MAN, DON'T THINK I WON'T, COME HERE SO I CAN TAKE A SWING.

Anyway, time for a few deep breaths, I think. Like I said, I'm trying to be the bigger person here and move on. Sean, by the way, is already being the bigger person, all no don't worry man, I totally understand, it's okay. Sean, in fact, is a GIANT compared to me, particularly since it's his friend that's suddenly dropping him like overalls at quittin' time here. But you know, I guess that just reinforces why I'm marrying him, really. Because that's the kind of guy he is.

Jul 20, 2009

Oh yeah, some guy you got there, Holly.:-)

I think it's tougher to be the bigger person when someone you're close to is let down, so you're reaction to this is quite normal in my book.

Jul 20, 2009

I know it sucks. It REALLY sucks. One of the suckiest things about planning a wedding is when crap like this happens.

My general feeling about my wedding was this: I don't expect your life to revolve around my wedding the way MY life revolves around my wedding. It's cool. I know people have priorities and my wedding is probably not in the top ten.

BUT, and this is a big but(t), if you tell me that you're coming and you commit to being there, short of a limb being removed, YOU SUCK for not showing up. That goes quadruple for someone who agreed to be in the wedding party. Yes, there are expenses involved in being part of the wedding party (and as far as I'm concerned, the groomsmen get off really easily compared to the obscene amount of money and activities that most bridesmaids have to spend/attend in comparison), but you know this BEFORE you agree to be in the wedding party. I mean seriously, the guy needs to get himself a plane ticket and a tuxedo at the very least. That's maybe $200?

I'm still a little amped up about people who flaked on our wedding. We paid for the whole thing ourselves in cash, so we had to make a lot of tough decisions, including how many people we could afford to invite. MONTHS before we sent out the invitations, we specifically asked 95% of the guest list if they would be able to attend so that we could plan accordingly. All of these people said yes, they were definitely coming. But when we sent out the invitations a few months later, we started getting all of these RSVP cards from the same exact people who now said they couldn't come. WTF? We chose our venue specifically to accommodate the number of people we had invited. If we had known that HALF (I am not exaggerating - HALF) of these people (most of them family members of the groom, so not just random friends we hadn't spoken to in 15 years) would not come, we would have either (1) invited other people (2) chosen a different venue (3) both. My husband wasn't that concerned about it, but I was worked up about the fact that these people had all said they were coming and then decided six weeks before the wedding that no, they weren't coming.

Like you, I am glad that I have a man who can be the bigger person, but there was a tiny part of me that thought he should be upset about the fact that HALF of our guests, his own family members at that, just flaked at the last minute and that we were then in the position of not meeting the caterers' minimum number and had to pay extra per person. Ahem, yeah, I'm still a little het up about it, and the wedding was six weeks ago.

Anyway, my point is that it sucks, but there is really nothing you can do about it so I say have a good venting session and then be grateful for all the other friends and family you have who are NOT being a pain in your ass.

If you need some stress relief before/after the wedding, have you seen the Smash Shack? You pay them to let you throw plates. I was going to have everyone go there the weekend of the wedding to do some major stress relief, but we ran out of time. I might still go the next time I'm in San Diego since I obviously still have some, uh, issues.

I know how you feel about the internet and all though. I can't count how many times during the wedding process when I thought THANK GOODNESS FOR THE INTERNET. I seriously do not know how I would have done most of my wedding stuff without the internet. From inspiring pictures to checking out stuff before flying down to look in person to getting recommendations from real brides who had used the same vendors to emailing my friends at 3am just to say OMFG, the internet helped me a million different ways. It's amazing to think about how much this little box does for me!

And not to sound like a total stalker, but the internet is also awesome because it helps me find cool blogs and people like you. On the most superficial level, the fact that we both live in the Bay Area and planned long distance weddings in San Diego isn't a huge coincidence (I'm sure other people have done it too) but I never would have known you exist without the mighty mighty internet. Sometimes I wish I could kiss the internet or make out with it to show my full appreciation.

Jul 20, 2009

P.S. WHOA, sorry I didn't realize that I was writing an entire novel there. Like I said, I think I still have some pent up wedding angst.

Have you checked out the Bridal Insider website? It has tons of information for San Diego brides and I got a lot of useful information from the forums there while planning my wedding:

Jul 20, 2009

Ouch, I can understand why you're hurt. My husband's groomsman and best friend didn't like me at all, so much so, that he didn't even talk to me (nor say best wishes) on our wedding day. nasty.
I think Sean's friend is probably going to realize how rude/uncool/sad his change of plans was, when he will be getting married himself and go through the process of planning etc. small consolation maybe?

Try to enjoy the final weeks of preparation and anticipation despite all the stress!

Jul 20, 2009

I didn't think I could love your blog anymore BUT THEN YOU DROPPED A CAROLINE MANZO IMPRESSION OMG. OMG!

I love yoooou. I mean, um, your blog. Yes, that's what I meant. Your blog! :D

Sorry about the groomsmen thing. Husband and I eloped for this very reason- just couldn't deal with the stress of the big day. It's a lot of stress, you're handling it well, and just keep plugging away. Don't let this guy ruin it for you. Right? Right. :(

Jul 20, 2009

First, HUGS!! I've loved reading about your wedding planning and I'm glad so many people have offered you support. :)

Second, I'm sorry about the groomsman. It does suck. Hopefully you won't have people no-show who, three days before the wedding emailed to tell you how excited they are and THREE YEARS LATER have still not apologized. Or even mentioned it. But I'm not bitter.

Hopefully this gives you enough time to find a replacement -- someone who won't be offended that they weren't chosen in the first round. Ouch.

Jul 20, 2009

Dude that SUCKS. Nothing bothers me more than people who commit to something and then back out later. No matter what the reason, really (unless it's something serious, like illness or a family emergency, because that stuff happens and can be totally understood) But like you said, he committed MONTHS ago, and yeah money is always an issue, but if he isn't able to save up a couple hundred bucks over the span of NINE MONTHS, something is seriously wrong. And if that is a problem: DON'T SAY YOU'LL DO IT.

Poor Sean. And poor you! What a bummer.

Jul 20, 2009

Wow, that's really lame.

Honestly, I don't buy the excuse. I'm a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding next week, and when the bride asked me to partake I immediately started saving - let's face it, it is kind of expensive for everyone - and I'm pretty sure that's what the rest of the party did, too. One of my brother's groomsmen is out of work, and one just finished school, aka, they're both pretty broke, and they're traveling from mid-Michigan to central Maine for the wedding.

When you know about an expensive event SO far in advance, you do what you need to do to make it happen.

That being said, don't stress over it; there's nothing you can do to change that guy's poor planning habits. I just hope he's not still coming, right? Is he still coming? Just as a "regular" guest? eew...that would make me mad...

She Likes Purple
Jul 20, 2009

It's been more than two years, and I am still brought right back to the people who didn't come or almost didn't come to our wedding, especially the people who bailed last minute (as in THE DAY BEFORE, I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING). I'm sour still. Because it sucks. And because I'd never do the same thing. I'd never commit to being somewhere, and not make it. I'd never be asked to be in someone's wedding (and I've been in 9) and back out for any reason short of a family emergency/tragedy.

I'm in a wedding this weekend, in fact, and the flights were insane. They were so expensive, I could have flown to AUSTRALIA for the same amount. And we just bought a house. And, yes, the economy blows so every spare dollar we have should be scooted on over into a savings account for all the rainy days we'll inevitably face up ahead, but we won't. We wouldn't. Because she asked me to be in her wedding, so I'm in her wedding. Period. End of story. And most people ask with enough advanced time that you just start saving. You put money away each week instead of getting the fancy beer or buying an extra pair of shoes. Come on, at the end of the day, a friendship (A LIFELONG, WILL YOU BE IN MY WEDDING FRIENDSHIP) is more important than the money.

But, sigh, some people don't get that. Especially men (my husband's side was far more disappointing than mine and not because I have better friends, but girls just GET it a bit better than guys, I think). Some people are all, "it's just one day!" Sure, yeah, it's just one day, but it's YOUR one day, and it sucks that not everyone you care for honors that. It does. It sucks.

Jul 20, 2009

My husband and I were in a wedding two years ago where one of the other groomsmen did what I like to refer to as a slow fade. He started off planning a three day trip to atlantic city for the bachelor party by himself to not even showing up to the last minute party that the other groomsmen were forced to cobble together at the last minute after finding out that he had flaked on all party planning duties and he wouldn't return their phone calls.

Then one week before the wedding he told the bride and the groom that he may have to drop out of the wedding because he couldn't afford the tux rental so they offered to pay for it, he told them he would pay them back and still hasn't to this day. Two weeks after the wedding he took his wife and children to disney world for a week long vacation. Nice.

Jul 20, 2009

DUDE. I understand. Same exact thing happened to us. EXACT. Three guys in wedding. One dropped out WEEKS before wedding. Flipped out, cried, asked someone else. Six years later, I almost don't care anymore. heh.

Jul 20, 2009

Oh this is horrible. How horrible for you and particularly Sean.

Guys I think are weird this way. Like most guys I know would probably react the way Sean did and most women I know would probably react the way you did. And so women, knowing how we would react, would never consider bailing on the bride last minute but guys, I don't know, they just think differently. Which is not to say this guy is not a complete jerk, he is, but he probably didn't think very much about it and then when Sean was all, understanding, and he's probably not thought about it since. Which still sucks for you both.

Jul 20, 2009

One of our groomsmen bailed out the day before the wedding by sending a note with one of the other groomsmen. My husband hasn't heard from that particular "friend" since and, that was almost sixteen years ago. I'm not bitter about it except for the fact that it hurt my husband deeply.

At the time, these days I'm like "Hey, remember what-his-name? The guy who stood us up at the alter?" and he's all "Who?".

Men, they are...different. If one of my bridesmaids had pulled that crap, I would still be sticking pins in a voodoo doll with her name on it.

Jul 20, 2009

Wow, that is just. . .horrible.

Jul 20, 2009

My friend who was going to play the piano for my wedding-we're talking wedding march, here-cancelled less than a week before, so I have been there.

That said, as important as weddings are, they often truly are more than a friend can afford. It's never just the cost of the ticket. It's also the lodging, the clothes, the present, the money spent on the night out with the one being married, the tab accrued while hanging out with other friends after the happy couple has left on the honeymoon, etc. and it can add up to more than a person can handle fairly quickly. Six months, three months ahead of time it can seem manageable, but then when it gets closer it becomes clear that while emotionally you want to be there and fully participate, you just can't actually pull the resources together.

So as unpopular as this comment will make me, I have to say you're being unfair.

Jul 20, 2009

Happened to me too, but it was my maid of honor, believe it or not. The bonus was that she severed all ties and in addition to saying, "Hey, I don't want to be in your wedding," she also said, "Hey, I probably don't really want to be your friend anymore either." Like she had a choice at that point. Best friend since we were 12? Uninvited. To my LIFE. And yeah, my husband pretty much still wants to punch her in the face, 8 years later.

Nothing But Bonfires
Jul 20, 2009

Loonytick, I hear you, honestly I do. But at the same time, if you're a 29-year-old man, you should probably be in control enough of your finances that a short weekend trip planned nine months in advance doesn't suddenly surprise you with the cost. There are so many solutions: just stay one night instead of the whole weekend (when you're coming such a short distance, that's possible.) Ask to stay with one of the many friends this guy has down there, instead of in the ($99 a night) wedding hotel. Ask if we can spot him the money for the suit rental ($100-ish, which we totally would have done.) All I'm saying is that if you WANT to do something you've committed to, there are ways to do it.

Also, this person is still wanting to come on the bachelor weekend TO YOSEMITE. Which I think is totally inappropriate if you can't spare the funds to make it to the wedding (priorities, maybe?) but whatever.

Jul 20, 2009

Oof. That sucks. Weddings either bring out the best or the worst in people. Since we're sharing
crap-tastic wedding stories: My husband's family (he's the youngest of 6) refuse to even meet me (we've been together for 3 years). His twin nephews were going to be his groomsman, but pulled out two weeks (TWO WEEKS!) before the wedding and my bridesmaid's husbands (also now my husband's friends) had to stand in. They decided not to be in our wedding because it would make their mom (my husband's sister) mad. These are 27-year-old men we're talking about. I ultimately just had to shrug my shoulders and be okay with their choice. I felt (and still feel) like you, do, though, and am still, over a year later, incredibly, well, pissed off that they could hurt my husband like they did. Whatever, I'm not bitter, or anything.
I guess my point is, you're wedding is going to be beautiful and so, so, special, not because of who else is there, but because it's you and Sean, vowing to love each other forever. What could be more special than that?

Thespian Libby
Jul 20, 2009

This fellow is absolutely a jerk, and I cannot believe he has the unmitigated gall to plan on attending the bachelor party. However - the phrase "like overalls at quittin' time" made me snort coffee through my nose. I've tried repeating the phrase in a British accent and just can't do it without cracking up. It truly tops "sweet cracker sandwich". (Sorry Jemima!) In the meantime, I HOPEHOPEHOPE I'll be able to see you in a few weeks! Fingers crossed ;-)


If it's so important to you that he be there, pay for this $39 plane ticket and tux rental (if you're going that route) and accommodations. (Strictly speaking, and hardly anyone actually follows this, but you are supposed to pay for your wedding party member's overnight accommodations.)

Jul 20, 2009

That's completely annoying. It's really tough to see someone you love get let down like that because you just feel so helpless to make it better.

Jul 20, 2009

This happened to me and my husband while planning our wedding last year. My husband's lifelong friend "quit" as best man a month before the wedding. I was livid - not so much because of having to find another guy to stand in (we had 3 guys and 3 gals in our wedding party so there were a lot of second-tier peeps to choose from as a replacement) but because my husband was so hurt by it. I mean, they were friends for over 20 years and this guy basically told my husband that he wasn't worth it.

Also, I'd just like to point out that wedding planning is difficult. It's time-consuming and stressful and emotional. Whenever I encountered something crappy or (in the case of the best man quitting) completely devastating, I didn't want to hear that I was being unfair (*cough cough* loonytick.) I just wanted my friends (or my poor sister who sat through many wedding-related rants) to listen to me and be sympathetic (or enraged, as the case may be.) Sure, you could take Amber's suggestion and just pay for everything so this guy can be a part of your day, but you shouldn't have to. He doesn't deserve it. It sucks and it's disappointing and it's hurtful but this guy has shown his true colours.

Right, so clearly I still have a bit of pent-up wedding frustration (almost a year after my wedding!) Hope it all works out for you.

Fierce Beagle
Jul 20, 2009

Okay, I was feeling loonytick totally, until you mentioned about the bachelor weekend. I mean, wow. The bachelor weekend is important, sure, but ultimately totally nonessential. The actual wedding ceremony on the other hand? Fairly essential to, um, the marriage? It's pretty (excuse the expression) ballsy to drop out of a wedding party due to cost, but still participate in the bachelor weekend.

Also, I think (from what it sounds like) that the dude's approach was all wrong. An "I'm really super sorry, but financially speaking it doesn't look like I can swing all the wedding costs AND the bachelor weekend costs." That could have opened up a discussion, you know? That could have given you guys the opportunity to say, "Hey, we want you there, and we can help." Or whatever.

Jul 20, 2009

I agree with Amber - if he's a dear friend of Sean's, he must be worth the 100$ it would cost you to fly him out.

Jul 20, 2009

The same exact thing happened to us, only in our case it was TWO groomspeople (a husband and wife couple who were at the time my husband's best friends). They had more than a year advance notice. Both of us went above and beyond the call of duty for their wedding (we were both in their bridal party). And they just up and quit about 8 weeks before our wedding. We had everything arranged for them (free acommodations, meals, etc.) except the plane tickets, which they had plenty of time/notice to save for and didn't.

I wrote about it a little while after the wedding happened because some people wanted to know why Simon (of Leah and Simon Agirlandaboy) was a pinch-hitting groomsman, but that is the story - my husband's best friends just bailed out shortly before the wedding and Dan wanted someone else to stand up with him besides his brother. Luckily, Simon agreed and looked smashing in his kilt.

I totally know where you are coming from with this post. As stated above, weddings can bring out the best in people and can also bring out the worst. I still maintain that you find out who your true friends are during times of stress, and weddings are very stressful (happy, but stressful) for most involved. A year and a half later, Leah and Simon are our close friends, and we don't even speak to the quitting groomspeople anymore.

I'm sorry you guys had to go through this. When you're this close to the wedding, you don't need additional stress or drama.

Jul 20, 2009

Hi! I've been following your blog for a few months now...well, no wait...probably about 6 months. So wow, guess I'm a lurker, delurking.

I just had to comment - I had a bridesmaid do the exact same thing. Well, exact in the sense that she dropped out. A week after I asked her to be part of the wedding, another of her friends got engaged and planned their wedding for the same day. She asked her to be in the wedding, but she declined as she'd committed to mine.

But! about 5 weeks before the wedding, she decided that she just couldn't do it. She said she didn't want to pick one of us over the other (but she could 9 months earlier) and I just let her bunny trail her way into finally backing out. She said she'd still come to my wedding and possibly duck out a bit early to go to the other girl's reception. But she ended up not only avoiding my wedding entirely, but being IN the other girl's wedding. After telling me she just couldn't choose.

I had actually really sympathized with the position she was in until I saw the pictures of her in that wedding. Whatever.

I had gone back and forth with what I thought about this groomsman as everyone understands how tight money is these days - that was until I saw your comment though that he's 29, knew so far in advance, and is still wanting to come to the Bachelor party. Really? I mean, really?! What do you even SAY to that kind of audacity?

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this!

Jul 20, 2009

I'm a little torn on this because I was in a wedding last year where one of the bridesmaids had agreed to be in the wedding (in Chicago) and then about two months before the day, her father found out he was being given a lifetime achievement award by his university and this was a HUGE deal for her family, so she was shattered but she had to ask my friend if it was alright that she back out.

The bride was really sanguine about it and asked another friend to do it, and at the time I remember thinking, well, stuff happens. So I think it's worth keeping in mind that there CAN be good reasons - an earlier commenter said it best when she said that although it's YOUR most important day ever, other stuff does come up for other people.

However, I also agree very strongly that when you agree to be in a wedding, you understand that you're incurring costs above and beyond the cost of being a guest, and that's it's an honor but it's also expensive. Nine months is more than enough time to 1. plan the expense or 2. if you find yourself coming short, find/beg/plead other cheaper arrangements.

May @ Anne and May
Jul 20, 2009

Yeah, I don't think you should feel bad at all for being bummed and I don't think you should be responsible for him. Pure and simple, this is his responsibility.

Even if he hadn't been able to raise the money and he came to you and said, I'm so sorry about this. Can you spot me the money and I'll pay you back? I know that you would have. And that would have shown his desire to be there, no matter what. As it stands, and I don't know him, but he just seems kind of flaky.

But, yeah. He's probably just a guy being a guy.

Jul 20, 2009

oh man. i'm so torn on this. did you ask him what specifically was going to be the cost he couldn't afford? lodging? airfare? and then give him suggestions as how to save? whether it's roadtripping down or having him crash with a friend. i mean really.

the guy is single isn't he? because i'll bet that no girlfriend would allow him to pull out of the wedding party like that. to be honest - i think that women know how expensive it can be to be in a wedding but i do wonder if men realize what it costs.

regardless - i'm so sorry. but in the end, you're still getting married and it'll be amazing and it is what it is!

Jul 20, 2009

I think he gave you plenty notice considering the wedding isn't until September. Brides get so wrapped up in MY DAY, MY DAY, MY DAY!!! that they forget not everyone can stop their lives and shell out cash for the event. Yes, it sucks. But you and Sean can still get married. And that's what is most important. Don't forget the real meaning of the wedding.

Jul 20, 2009

I can't comment on the Groomsman Situation, other than to say I'm sorry that it happened and I hope you don't let it sour your wedding day. All of us Internets are here wishing you and Sean the best.

I only wanted to chime in here to mention that the proper thing to do to show your appreciation to The Internet is to invite us to the wedding! That way, we can cheer you on all the way to the very end! (Although really it is a Beginning, isn't it? Mr & Mrs Slinsky, a New Chapter and all that?) Anyway, I'm sure Sean could come up with some kind of web-casting thingy or another. Have him get on that, would you?

Jul 20, 2009

No, Kat, he has a girlfriend. We've been friends with both of them for about seven years.

Mara, it's not that I'm getting wrapped up in MY DAY, MY DAY, MY DAY! As I said, it's not about that at all, and I find it a little laughable that you'd suggest I'd forgotten "the real meaning of the wedding." (Besides which, is one of the major themes of the wedding not commitment? I'd say so---for everyone involved.) I'm not bummed because it's going to spoil the day in any way, since there's no way that could ever happen. I'm bummed because of the nonchalance with which he let Sean down. It's a general pattern of flakiness with this guy and it's not the first time this has happened: he makes a commitment, we get excited, he bails at the last minute. This is also a person who bought an apartment, decided one day that he didn't want to pay for it anymore, and let the bank seize it so he could move on and into a new place. I think there's just a general unwillingness to follow through with decisions and frankly, we probably shouldn't have been surprised that this happened. To those of you saying we should offer to pay for his expenses, well yeah, we COULD, but I sort of hadn't expected needing to be financially responsible for a 29-year-old man with a well-paying job (and his girlfriend? Do we pay for her plane ticket too?) who'd already sent in his RSVP card saying he could attend.

Anyway, it's no huge deal in the end; Sean has asked his brother to step in, which has actually proved to be a silver lining, since he's been feeling he should have made him a groomsman from the beginning. His brother is thrilled, Sean is thrilled, their mother is thrilled, so all's well that ends well. I guess it just feels a little horrible to know that a person has weighed up a confirmed commitment to you with something else and chosen the something else, that's all.

Jul 20, 2009

I completely feel your pain. When I got married last year, one of our groomsmen backed out about 6 weeks before the wedding. His reason for not coming: his wife was pregnant and he didn't want to leave her. Okay, before people get upset with me...you must understand that his wife was at this point approximately three months pregnant. Now, obviously if she was late in the pregnancy we would have understood (obviously we would have known much sooner)! It wasn't even that he backed out that bothered me as much as it was the fact that he had known for a while that he wasn't going to come but he didn't tell us because "they weren't telling people they were expecting yet." Okay, I completely understand not telling people, however, couldn't you have come up with another excuse so we weren't scrambling to figure things out at the last minute? It upset me the most because my husband was hurt by it. This was someone he considered a very, very good friend. In the end, it was fine. We got a "replacement" groomsmen who was absolutely wonderful about the whole thing and on the day of the wedding, we didn't really think about the mean man who didn't show up. Enjoy these last few weeks and definitely enjoy your wedding day! It goes very quickly!

Jul 20, 2009

GIRL! I thought this only happened to us! We had TWO groomsmen drop out about 5 months ahead of time. They told my husband that "they just weren't feeling that close to him anymore" (they were in cahoots with one another), so on top of being drop outs, they were also douche bags. needless to say, we do not speak to them anymore.

But, the light at the end of the tunnel is that we got TWO really great "replacements", who were awesome and caring -- and one happened to be a woman, but it was no worries, because her wife was my bridesmaid! Anyway, you will be fine. I guess the lesson to be learned here is that some people are assholes, but the really good ones aren't. Karma will get the bad ones in the end.

Jul 20, 2009

WAIT. He wants to still go to the bachelor weekend? THAT IS RIDICULOUS!

I think you have every right to be upset. Like you said, he's known about it for months. And he could have asked for help. And while weddings can get pricey, this isn't too bad because he doesn't have to travel far and has friends he can stay with.

And more than anything, it is an honor to stand up in someone's wedding. It is their big day and they want YOU to be a part of it. So you do what you have to do to be there. Especially since it is a small wedding party.

Jul 20, 2009

We had people simply not show up on the wedding day. We both have large families and it was SO HARD to get the guest list down as low as we did. And then people didn't show... one called the night before, three just didn't come. Mainly co-workers. It was brutal.

As I see it, if you've committed to coming, you COME. None of those people had other pressing commitments, we found out later. And if you've committed to being in the bridal party, YOU BE IN IT.

You will be very, very thankful to be married to a man who responds like Sean has. I am married to that kind of guy myself and it has certainly made life sweeter, gentler, and more joyful. One of the main reasons I'm so in love with him still.

He's missing out, clearly you aren't, so do'nt let it sour things!

Jul 20, 2009

I'm glad that Sean was able to have his brother be a groomsman and that everything worked out (silver lining!), but it's really not about filling a space or having an even number of people standing up there (we decided we didn't care about that and chose both of my sisters as the maids of honor and his brother as the best man and no one else, despite the fact that I love symmetry, and were fine with having and "uneven" wedding party).

This is about asking a friend to be a part of your wedding day, having a friend say, "Yes, I understand that this is an important day in your life and I do, in fact, want to be part of it," only to have them say, "Eh, maybe not," after they have committed to it.

As is often the case when this happens, people use money as an excuse but it's just that: an excuse. If this guy, a 29 year old grown ass adult, could not over the course of nine months manage to save up $100 for a tuxedo, $100 for a hotel room, and $100 for a plane ticket (bearing in mind that both Virgin and Southwest have had several $39 ticket sales from the Bay Area to SD multiple times in the last six months), then I weep for his poor girlfriend. And not because I'm assuming he's a broke loser, but because that comes down to saving approximately $30/month. Yeah, A DOLLAR A DAY. But as Holly already pointed out, he can afford the trip to Yosemite so obviously he could afford to be in the wedding if he really wanted to do it.

As has been demonstrated by many of these other stories, it's really not about the money. It's about people being flaky flakes who have no sense of responsibility or commitment who then use money as an excuse to drop out. These are not outrageous costs that suddenly came up out of the blue, and most adults in their mid to late 20s can add up the minimal costs of being in a wedding well in advance.

I was totally broke when one of my friends (who lives 500 miles away) asked me to be in her wedding years ago. I sucked it up and saved up enough money over a few months to pay for a hotel room for two nights (so I could attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner too). I had my mom hem my dress so I wouldn't have to pay for alterations. I borrowed my sister's ugly ass shoes so I wouldn't have to spend $50 on new shoes (my friend said as long as they were silver she didn't care what the shoes looked like). My husband was in law school at time which meant I was supporting both of us, so we were eating Cost Co bulk packs of Mac & Cheese at the time, and we still managed to scrimp and save enough to make it to her wedding. It never even occurred to me to flake at the last minute because I had already told her that I would be there in my matching dress. Of course, in college I also didn't realize that you could withdraw from a class if you thought you might fail it, so there you go.

Jul 20, 2009

Isn't it funny how the big deal stuff like a WEDDING will really bring out the crazy and irresponsible sides of people and show you what they've really got?

He's an ass for ditching the entire thing rather than trying to find a solution to what (he says) is the actual thing preventing him from attending.

I think he just doesn't want to be in the wedding/go to it and he's using money as an easy-for-everyone-to-accept excuse. The fact that he still wants to go to Yosemite is odd though. There must be something about the wedding itself that is weirding him out.

Either way, glad you found out now and not with another decade invested in the friendship. Now you guys know what he's REALLY like in a pinch.

Jul 20, 2009

Oh, Holly, what a shit. I am sorry. Sounds like that 29-year-old needs to grow the hell up. A couple years ago, my cousin Heather fired one of her three bridesmaids several months before her wedding. Her friendship with said bridesmaid (a childhood friend and, as it turned out, an adult alcoholic) had deteriorated terribly in the months before the wedding, and Heather just couldn't bear the thought of her remaining in the wedding party; chick prolly would have been trashed for the ceremony.

So Heather asked ME. I honestly hadn't even been planning to ATTEND her wedding, because of the expense. I am fat and old and had 5 kids living at home; I'm a self-employed impoverished freelance writer, and I live 5,000 miles away--literally--from Heather Wedding Ground Zero (a New York resort), but how could I say no? I couldn't! And I am so glad I DIDN'T, because it was so special to share that day with my lovely cousin, and to see my crazy family. Between flight, hotel, and other expenses, I think I spent a couple thousand dollars. But I do not regret a penny of it.

My point? Flakeman is no friend of Sean's; otherwise, he'd have figured out a way to be there. There's no other way to look at it.

An evil suggestion: save the tackiest, most tasteless, most boring gift you get at YOUR wedding, so that when Flakeman finally gets hitched (I'm guessing it's gonna be YEARS), you'll have something appropriate to send him. >:o)

Hugs and aloha from Caroline in Hawai`i

Jul 20, 2009

"I am trying to be the bigger person here---or at least the medium-sized person" - That's the best thing I've read today. Awesome. You have just eloquently stated my new goal in life: TO BE A MEDIUM-SIZED PERSON. (I'm sorry to report that this will probably be an improvement.)

This is SUCH a tricky one. I've had to bail on a few across-the-country weddings (um, none that asked me to be in the wedding party though), but I've also put an entire trip to England on my credit card so I could be there. So I can see both sides, but in the end it's more about the emotions of it than anything else. I'm so sorry Sean was disappointed. Yes, really, HOW COULD YOU DISAPPOINT THIS GUY? HOW?

But you both seem to be handling it very well. And the wedding will be spectacular. As an aside, I dreamed we were all doing the Electric Slide to "We Are Family" at the reception. Because I'm that kind of classy.

Jul 20, 2009

When my sister got married, the hotel warned my family that everyone had up to one day before the wedding to call up and say "we can't make it," and that after that we (well, my mom and dad) would be responsible for their seats whether or not they came. In spite of my parents keeping on top of everything and telling everyone that the hotel needed the final numbers at least one day prior to the wedding-6 people still bailed, as in, did not show up to the wedding at all.

And...this was a hotel wedding at the Ritz Carlton in Boston. Yes, it was my parents/sister's choice to have it there and they had a wedding they/my parents could afford-but it still sucked to have to pay that money for people who are willing to let you throw away good money on their flakey asses. And my parents weren't just out the plate prices-my father hates going to weddings where he has to pay for his parking, so he paid off everyone's parking tab for the wedding as well.

for some reason your spam filter won't let me post my wordpress blog. oh well.

Jul 20, 2009

I think it is one of those things where guys just don't see being part of a wedding as a big deal.
My fiance asked his half-brother to be his best man, and he SAID NO. But did want to be in the wedding party. And then said maybe he couldn't take the time off work. In the end, the Navy is sending him to an important training program that will overlap with the weekend, so at least he has a real excuse for missing it.

And THEN, the half-brother's dad, who my fiance is close with, ALSO backed out of being in the wedding party. He is still planning on coming to the wedding, but cited money and his shyness and not wanting to have to stand in front of a big group of people. Seriously? You are only saving the $130 for the tux, and I guess a second night in the hotel if you are still planning on coming to the wedding. And you are a 50-something year old adult - you really can't stand in front of 100 people for 15 min? Especially when they won't be paying any attention to you?

It doesn't seem to bother my fiance at all. It bothers me because they committed to something (a year in advance!) and then backed out. Plus I feel bad FOR my fiance - who treats people that way?

Jul 20, 2009

Hi there - delurking to weigh in on The Great Groomsman Debacle of 2009. As a wedding party pro (Not quite 27 Dresses in my closet, but close), I am here to agree that YES, this guy did a sucky thing, but at least you have some time to digest this information and breathe and not be bummed out on your actual wedding day. Sounds like Captain Flakypants was probably going to pull this at some point - please try to see the positive that he did it NOW and that Sean had time to ask his brother (hooray!) and make his family extra happy. Plus, if the friendship is heading down a weird path anyway and the guys aren't quite as close six months after the big day, you'll be glad he won't be in your prominent wedding pictures.

Not trying to minimize or make light of this sucktastic situation (it sounds like you really ARE focused on what this means to Sean, not about superficial things), just hoping that some good energy and more "silver lining" talk will ease the annoyance.

PS Your cocktail napkins are adorable!

Jelaine Faunce
Jul 20, 2009

If he can't afford to attend the wedding, then he can't afford to go on the bachelor trip to Yosemite. He needs to stay home and be the good steward of his money that he claims he is trying to be. ;o)

Jul 20, 2009

Major events like weddings really do bring out the true colors in people. But try to see the silver lining: at least he told you now instead of just totally disappearing less than two days before your wedding, never to be heard from again, like what happened with a bridesmaid at a wedding that may or may not have been my own. I'm just sayin'.

Jul 20, 2009

Holly, I'm with you. And I kind of wonder if there's something else going on in this guy's head that he's not telling Sean.

Funny story (well, it still makes me mad) is something that happened to my fiance a few years ago. His best friend from college left him a voicemail asking him to be best man in his wedding. Chris called right back and left a voice mail that he would love to but wasn't sure if he could (he's in the Army and they have a pesky habit of sending guys overseas these days) and what was the date of the wedding so he could confirm that he'd be in the country?

Never heard back from his friend. Again. Didn't even get an invite to the wedding. Weird thing was I was way more upset about it than he was. A few years later the thought of that "friend" still makes me a little angry, but I realize something must have happened on the groom's end that I don't know about.

Jul 20, 2009

duuude. that sucks. I'm never been married but I've been involved in many a wedding and seen this type of thing before and I can only describe it as excessively lame. you would never pull this kind of stunt at a job, why would you pull it on a friend?

the cherry on top was when I read your comment that he still wants to party it up @ the bach wknd and I was all OH NO HE DI'NT. I mean SERIOUSLY, that takes some major BALLS...! (or at least a ridiculous amount of cluelessness)

it sounds like it's nearly-resolved already with the brotherly substituion and I'm sure it'll all work out and go off smashingly in the end; however, I don't blame you at all for needing a moment (or wknd) of anxious resignation on behalf of your soon-to-be-husband.

p.s. I'm sorry I said BALLS on your otherwise lovely website!

Jul 20, 2009

errr, and by "resignation" I mean "indignation." obviously.

I really should read my comments before I post them.

this new place
Jul 20, 2009

um. better to find out now than later, that some guy in your wedding (who turns out, wont be) was really not such a great friend. eh? heh.

I totally do not envy you planning a wedding. i can barely make dinner these days.

May @ Anne and May
Jul 20, 2009

Daisy, I want to be your friend. I almost stood up and starting clapping and yelling PREACH IT! when I read your comment.

Jul 20, 2009

Serious love for the Caroline Manzo reference, not that it makes up for the feelings of sourness or has anything to do with the actual problem at hand, but you know...love is love and well, that is some serious thick as thieves love.


As for the rest, my own "family" didn't come to my wedding because of whatever excuse they were throwing at me, so anything I say on the actual subject is going to just be a whole bunch of old, moldy, bitter, grapes and eww.

Jul 20, 2009

well that's bizarre if he does have a girlfriend. i know if my bf pulled that stunt - i'd whip out my manners book and be like are you KIDDING me?! YOU ARE GOING. seriously. it's an honor to be asked. i can see a guy flaking out like that on his own but come on. that's weird. and awkward.

like everyone has said, you are getting married and there's a silver lining and well it just does suck. but your wedding will be amazing!

Jul 21, 2009

That guy is an arsewipe. What a complete twat. Seriously.

Look at it this way - at least the big loser left you a couple of weeks to get someone else, instead of just no-showing at the last second.

I've never met Sean, but through your blog and your photos I can tell that he's a really cool guy, and anyone that would stand him up like this is a major jerkface.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits.

Jul 21, 2009

It makes me so angry when people do things like this and have such a cavalier attitude towards something that's actually pretty important. If you commit to do something (especially something as big as being part of a wedding for which you've had umpteen months of notice), you do it. Death or personal tragedy are the only excuses. I recently spent a hideous amount of money attending a friend's wedding in Edinburgh, and am about to do a similar thing for another friend's hen night, but that's what you do for those you care about; you want to share in their experience and so you make some sacrifices elsewhere to ensure that you're there. Well, at least you now have a groomsman who is excited to be a part of your wedding and who you can actually rely on.

Jul 21, 2009

Also, in response to your "dye or not to dye" shoes dye-lemma (sorry, couldn't resist): if you have a pair of shoes in the same colour you planned to dye your wedding ones in (which you probably do if it's your favourite colour), you could try wearing them with the dress and see how they look. Dyeing shoes is extremely satisfying; I dyed my white bridesmaid ones bright scarlet to wear to other weddings (as a guest) and have received so many compliments about them - considering it was just me, some Dylon and a washing up bowl, they came out very well. I was a bit nervous the first time it rained on them, but all was well!

jennifer in sf
Jul 21, 2009

That dude sounds lame. You're better off without him.

Oh, and I think your stamped napkins are ridiculously cute.

Jul 21, 2009

I am so sad for Sean. But let me tell you something that I learnt about weddings (from my own experience)- nothing ever turns out the way you planned- and weddings also bring out the worst in some people.

Take for example my cousin. He also happened to have been my husband's best friend since they were babies.

My cousin was unhappy with the fact that me and his best friend were getting married. Two worlds colliding I suppose.

Anyway, he backed out of our joint bachelor/bachelorette party- and he was suppose to be our wedding day driver (an Israeli tradition). He didn't show up.

At the wedding, he didn't come to congratulate us, and ON TOP OF THAT- get ready...

I caught him having sex with his girlfriend ON MY VEIL in my bridal suite (when I went to change into my second dress)!!!

He then proceeded to curse ME out and raised his fist as if he were coming to attack me (very Jerry Springer)
my newly anointed husband grabbed him, and they proceeded to fight until he was thrown out into the bushes.

So word of advice, Don't be surprised by these things. As long as you and Sean are there.. the details (which are bound to not be perfect) will not matter.

(4 years later and he has yet to apoligize to us)

The Internet
Jul 21, 2009

On behalf of The Internet, you're welcome.

It's been a joy coming along on this adventure with you. I can't wait to see pictures.

As for the groomsman, he handled this poorly for sure. And I join with you in being sorry for Sean that it happened. Delighted to hear of his brother's inclusion and all-around resolution.

On with the show!

Jul 21, 2009

I know this is disappointing and hurtful now, but I think you'll be grateful later that he quit now.

I had a bridesmaid in my wedding that acted all excited about the whole thing... but once it came down to the last few weeks, when she actually had to participate as a bridesmaid? She kinda just checked out. She was absent for most of the planning, all of the preparation the days before, and showed up late for the rehearsal after promising me she would be there on time. There were other slights too on the day of the wedding, but to keep it short and simple, let me just say that you don't want that kind of distraction on your wedding day. Whether money is the real reason he can't be there or not doesn't matter. He's made it clear that your wedding is not that important to him, and really, you want the people who think your wedding is IMPORTANT and EXCITING standing next to you on your big day.

Mary R
Jul 21, 2009

I had a similar thing happen to me, except it was my Maid of Honor. She was having some major problems and sent me a letter (!) and said she couldn't do it. My feelings were really hurt at the time, but now I feel she did have more important things to focus on. Maybe something similar happened with this guy? You never know how his personal situation might have changed recently.

In my case, I've forgiven my friend, though I do feel like that friendship has run its course.

I've noticed in all the wedding planning websites and magazines, they completely skirt around the issue of people who flake on your wedding. It would be helpful to know how to graciously deal with last minute cancellations, or worse, and there will be- no shows! I think it's a bit issue that never really gets addressed out there.

Jul 21, 2009

I've been enjoying your post as I sit here and sip my McDonald's Vanilla Milkshake, which my husband tells me is vegan. Amazing. This shake is amazing. But I digress.

While breathing is overrated, please don't forget to do it a bit now and then between these disappointments. This guy is flippant and lacks a sense of priorities.

Your wedding, like my milkshake, will be amazing.

Jul 21, 2009

I feel like going a bit Sex in the City here. It's your wedding--in reality, you're the only one it should be a top priority for.

Maybe the dude didn't feel comfortable telling you the whole story of his reasoning, or maybe he just really is trying to budget and dropping hundreds of dollars on your wedding didn't jive. And yeah, I don't know how much the tux or the shoes or the flight or the drinks at your wedding and the hotel room(s) and possible rental cars and wedding gift and double all that if he's bringing a date will cost. And add another couple hundred or more depending on what the bachelor party/event is. Add more if he'll have to take time off work. Add more if he'll have to hire baby sitters or kennel his pets...or a zillion other things. You've got to respect that this is his choice, just as much as choosing to host a formal wedding is your choice.

I'm not trying to be bitchy, just a reminder that there's 2 sides to every story. It doesn't sound like this dude is trying to be a jerk to you, rather he's trying to put himself first. Sometimes that's warranted.

If his presence as a friend is truly what you're interested for, then why let cash cloud the issue? I've always had huge admiration for couples that ensure those closest to them can participate without pressure. Pay for the flights, the hotel, the tux, the bridesmaid gowns and shoes and all that stuff that you're expecting someone else to do in order to participate in your event.

Also? As a gal who has 4 weddings this year and has already tabulated that as a couple my man and I are on the hook for over $2000 to cover 4 bridal showers, 4 bachelorettes, 4 bachelor parties, drinks and incidentals the day of the wedding, and wedding gifts themselves, I'm feeling the wedding pinch. I keep telling myself to do as I'd wish for myself, but the kicker is that we're not getting married. Not interested. Not for us...so we keep attending and participating and doing our guestly duties and unless we choose to have a wedding we don't really want solely to see how many of those friends are reciprocal, this is all a donation.

I am not a person that is afraid to stand up for myself or defy convention, but every time I get a bridal/baby shower or wedding invite, I feel a bit disappointed in myself for not drawing a line in the sand and saying "no" to all of it and investing the thousands we invest per year in a charity. We've spent at least $3000 a year for the last 5 years--think what that would add up to over a lifetime. And it'd be tax deductible too!

Operation Pink Herring
Jul 21, 2009

I've been a somewhat reluctant bridesmaid (twice, actually), so I can see where this guy is coming from. I was planning my fair and balanced consider-his-side comment -- and then I read the part about him still wanting to go to the bachelor party. Um, no.

If this was a 22-year-old who'd never been in a wedding before and didn't realize what being in the wedding party entailed, it'd be one thing. But it's not. And I don't imagine you and Sean to be the types to sandbag someone by calling a friend you having talked to in a year to announce your engagement and (I actually said "to who?", I had no idea she was even dating anyone) and drop the bridesmaid/groomsmen question in the same phone call. When you hadn't talked to him in a YEAR. Ahem.

But the real issue for me is that 1) He's not even coming to the wedding now, and 2) he's still even CONSIDERING going to the bachelor party. Dude, sometimes you have to cut things. Sometimes you overcommit and need to back out. But this is not the right way to do it, and it really is disappointing.

But you know what - better now that in another month, and better to have him replaced happily with Sean's brother than have a bitter/unwilling groomsman around for the rest of this process. Silver lining?

And as a member of the Internet-at-large, it is so much fun "helping" you with your wedding!

Tracy D
Jul 21, 2009

My best friend from college didn't come to my wedding. I was going to ask her to be IN THE WEDDING until she told me she wasn't sure if the date would work for her even though I asked her before we officially chose the date to make sure she would put it on her calendar and could come. The reason she said wasn't sure if she could make it is because she "might have to work". I couldn't wait until she knew if she had to work that weekend, so I picked it and didn't ask her to be in the wedding because, well, if she wasn't going to try her hardest to be there, I wasn't going to ask her to be in it.

I was (am) VERY HURT. She ended up NOT HAVING TO WORK and she only lives 2 hours away. I would have paid for her hotel room and even gotten her a ride or paid for her gas to get to the wedding. It came down to the fact that SHE DID NOT WANT TO COME IN THE FIRST PLACE. I have no idea why.

I hand wrote her a letter asking her why she didn't want to come and telling her how sad I was that she didn't make it. She responded with a 2 sentence email that more or less said "I'm not ignoring you, but I don't have time to deal with this right now."

I didn't think that crappy-ass email deserved a response, so I didn't send her one. I haven't talked to her since then (about a year ago), and I am still (obviously) upset about it.

We have all the same college friends, and when the rest of them get married, we'll likely be in the weddings together. Additionally, it's really uncomfortable (for me) when our mutual friends plan any events where we could possibly be in the same vicinity, so I always ask in advance if she'll be there. I'm pretty sure if I saw her, I'd a) punch her, b) scream at her, or c) tell her how badly she hurt me and run off crying. Umm, most likely c.

In any case, it really FREAKIN SUCKS when someone you consider a close friend lets you down. ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!


Jul 22, 2009

Don't you just love all these stories? We also had a groomsman drop out of our wedding because his wife, also in bridal party, cheated on him and now they were getting divorced. Because it was so close to the big day, we opted not to find another---seriously: "Can you fill in? We didn't like you enough to pick you for the first round."---and we had a lopsided party. My brother walked two lovely ladies down the aisle. I couldn't have loved it more! That was 11 years ago and it still doesn't matter.

Jul 22, 2009

Something similar happened to my brother. He asked one of his good friends from high school to be in his wedding. The friend said yes, then my brother never heard from him again. My brother kept calling him, leaving messages. The friend had RSVP'd that he was coming to the wedding, but by the rehearsal dinner my brother wasn't even sure if he was really coming. In the end, the friend showed up. Now, if it were me, I wouldn't have let him be in the wedding at that point, but my brother is a bigger person that I. My brother got married without a tie on because he gave his friend his tie so that he would match the other groomsmen, and they are still friends today. My brother's a good egg.

If it were me in your situation, I'd cut my losses and decide this guy is obviously not a good friend and maybe it's good he showed his true colors before his wedding. If it were my brother, he'd probably pay for the guy's plane ticket. You decide.

Jul 23, 2009

I love reading about your wedding plans...you are planning the type of wedding I hope to have some day. (You know...if I could ever find that "groom" guy!)

Anyway, I was reading through some of the comments and I was bothered by the people who did not seem to see anything wrong with this guys behavior. Yes, things happen; however, it comes down to how you were raised. I was raised that when you make a commitment to do something, come hell or high water you figure out a way to do it. Yes, things come up and things happen, but it’s not like he just found out last week. Like you said, it’s not about the wedding being ruined, it’s about a guy your fiancé felt close enough to that he asked him to share in your special day and then the guy does not have enough curtsey to follow through…or even come up with a good excuse for backing out! I completely understand where you're coming from and I respect Sean for taking it in stride. You definitely have a good one in him!

I also am glad you have your silver lining...it sounds like things worked for the best anyway and maybe it was a blessing in disguise that this guy has no manners!

Jul 23, 2009

Oh, my! The Yosemite trip detail changes EVERYTHING!

Yeah, with that added wrinkle I'd also be pissed. If you've got to drop one thing but not the other, then I think it's pretty damn important to choose the wedding as the thing to keep. Sheesh.

The consolation is this: more likely than not (if you're like most brides, anyway) when the day comes you'll end up so fixated on Sean that only a handful of very key other people will register to you for more than a moment.

My wedding memories are all a haze except for the feel of my father's arm as I held it, the squeeze my mother gave me before she went to be seated, and then being in a sort of bubble with my husband through the ceremony and reception-I remember so much of his face and actions and comments, but beyond him everyone and everything was a detail-less blur.

That may sound awful when you're in the planning stage and obsessing over all those details, but in reality it was wonderful. Magical, even. The handful of tiny things that didn't quite come together felt overwhelming the day before, but at the wedding they didn't bother me a bit. The decorations could have all crumbled into dust midway through the thing and I wouldn't have seen or cared. Half the groomsmen could have called in sick the morning of and it wouldn't have spoiled a thing.

In other words, YOU WON'T MISS THE JERK.

Jul 23, 2009

Oy. Let me just say this. You are not the center of the universe, even on your wedding day. The end.

Nothing But Bonfires
Jul 23, 2009

Well, exactly, Phooey. Which is why you'll see -- if you read the post properly and my comments above -- that it isn't about me at all, but about how I feel bad for Sean. Jeez. I hope leaving your bitchy comment made you feel better about some weird bitterness you're obviously nursing.

Sensibly Sassy
Jul 23, 2009

I totally agree with you. Some people are pretty unclear about priorities and the way their actions affect others and this seems like a clear case of that. I'm sorry this has to be part of your path to the altar.

Jul 23, 2009

When we got married, we had some trouble involving a groomsman as well. (long story) I became really mad at the guy and not for "ruining my special day" or because I was anything close to being a crazy bride, but because he made my future husband upset and disappointed. If it had been my friend, who had made me upset, I would not have been this angry. The situation sucked, but it made me realize how truly and wildly in love I was with my husband. Not that I didn't know it already! So when I read how angry you got in Sean's defense, I cried!
You're going to have an awesome wedding day with or without the guy!

Saucepan Man
Jul 23, 2009

Phooey, you brave little key-board warrior - that's a load of phooey. Obviously you're more used to talking out of your rear end.

Your observation says a lot more about you than it does about the topic (which you clearly haven't been following.)

Jul 23, 2009

This is a horrible thing to happen. I had four people just not show up on the day at my wedding. It really annoyed me at the time and hurt me, but now my strongest memories are truely of all the good things that happened.

I'm hoping that in the future that something 'bigger' did come up for the groomsman that for some reason he couldn't talk to you about.

Three cheers for Sean's brother, he really is the bigger person here. I think in the future you'll be glad he played a big role, sounds like a nice guy.

I would say I could see both sides of this, and if it wasn't for the whole stag do thing I would probably defend this guy more. That's just weird.

And phooey, a wedding is the centre of the couples universe for a short period of time. Especially if you're a person who cares about details. If you don't like wedding stuff (there is a lot of it here just now and we are all enjoying it) why read it?

Jul 26, 2009

Hi, I just have to share this interesting link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0 with you...you definately have to check it out!
I absolutely love love love this!!! AWESOME & so creative.

Jul 26, 2009

Holly, enjoyed the post. I've been "watching in the weeds" for a couple of months, and since I have a 14 year old daughter, I can't help but know that we're all heading down the road you've been traveling...

One of things we always tell our daughter is: "Chill - this too shall pass", and I'll bet everything turns out wonderful!

May 18, 2016

That's an apt answer to an inenrestitg question

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