How Fat Will Semen Make You?

How Fat Will Semen Make You?

Why you should care

Because it’s not like you’re going to ask your parents about this stuff.

Some Space in the Game

EUGENE, SIR: In that relationship part where you both talk about your past relationships. I said that I had had a threesome, and now my girlfriend of the past two years wants to have one. She told me who she wants us to have it with before asking me if I’d like to have one, but OK. Anyway, her big fantasy is to have two penises in her mouth at once. When I complained about penile closeness, she got angry and said it was a pretty “common” fantasy and then asked me what the difference was between this and double penetration, and then she said that she suspected I was having a problem with it because she had “taken control of” her sexuality. That isn’t the reason, but now she is pissy, and the only way out seems to be to just do it, but that seems shitty to me. Ways out? Please. — Name withheld by request

Dear Rock vs. Hard Place: I seem to remember, once upon a time, the Gipper, President Ronald Reagan, saying that he absolutely refused to negotiate with terrorists. I don’t know what his rationale was, but if I had to guess it would be that people who engage in “terror” to attain policy objectives are not really there for the policy objectives but because they dig terror. I don’t say this to compare you with Reagan and your girlfriend with terrorists but to underscore the reality that it’s all about the negotiation tactic. And while all bullies are not terrorists, all terrorists are clearly bullies. So negotiating with them makes little sense.

So, how to get you both closer to what you want when it’s clear that doubling her pleasure, penis-wise, is as much a part of her fun as not sharing her mouth with the aforementioned other penis is a part of yours?

In sex it seems there are two categories of activity: the sexy sexy and the symbolically sexy. Shoes, outfits and exhibitionism are symbolically pleasurable if you’re of the mind to be pleasured by them. I mean no one is having an orgasm because they have on a kinky outfit with killer shoes and are being watched while they get busy. It’s seasoning — not the meal.

The sexy sexy? It’s typically always hands-on. For the sake of argument, let’s use orgasm as a measuring tool: It leads to orgasm. The two P’s-in-a-Pod scenario your girlfriend has outlined is more of the former and less of the latter. And for the former she’s laying down the law for the same reason laws are laid down: to guarantee orderly progression to a better future. Her future includes the possibility of doing this. Yours does not.

You can’t negotiate your way around this. You either let her go out and experiment with this on her own, like one might let a partner go to a Star Wars marathon alone, or you bail. The choice is yours, but know this: People should be able to do what will give them pleasure even if they’re unsure whether or not it will give them pleasure. You can go for the ride, or stay home.

Semen on the Scale

EUGENE, SIR: Can I gain weight from swallowing semen? — AK

Dear AK 47: I understand the obsession. I really do. The quantifying of everything from steps taken to the caloric impact of chewing gum, I get it. But if your concern is that you’re consuming enough semen to want to measure it to avoid weight gain, well, I’d say this largely depends on how you like to spend your time. However, according to experts (people paid to measure semen, I guess), seminal fluid, on average, contains anywhere from five to 25 calories. That’s up to 25 calories of calcium chlorine, citric acid, creatine, fructose, potassium, protein, sodium and vitamins B12 and C, to name a few of what you’d find if your job were to search out the nutritional value of semen.

So now it’s simple math: How many ejaculations would you have to drink before you got fat from drinking ejaculate?

The bad news is most nutritionists will not answer this question. The good news is most nutritionists will not answer this question. But given the calorie breakdown it seems simple to deduce that you’re as likely to gain weight swallowing semen as you are from chewing gum. And as of yet? No one’s pointing the finger at Juicy Fruit for making them fat. So my distinctly nonmedical opinion: Worry no more!

The Twain Meeting

EUGENE, SIR: I saw someone from work at a sex club. I saw them, and they saw me. They were not happy to see me, and I wasn’t especially chuffed to see them. I don’t think they’ll bring this up at work, but I don’t want them bringing it up ever. Are there good ways to put a lid on this before it gets to that? — Spotted

Dear Trainspotting: Nihilists were known for a lot of things, but the thing they were most noted for? Their systematic denial of the reality of experience. Emphasis on “denial.” There’s no need to talk about this at all because “this” never happened. As far as your professional life is concerned, what happens in your personal life is a complete and total blank. And vice versa.

So don’t bring it up, and if your co-worker brings it up, act like you would if they were to bring up animal-human hybrids or talking eggs. Then walk away.


Square pegs. Round holes.