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A sea-horse.

“Look at my horse, my horse is amazing, give it a lick, it tastes just raisins, with a stroke of its mane it turns into a plane and then it turns back again when you tug on its winky 'Oh that's dirty!' Do you think so? Well I better not show you where the lemonade is made, sweet lemonade, mmm, sweet lemonade, sweet lemonade, yeah sweet lemonade, get on my horse, and I'll take you around the universe and all of the other places too 'I think you'll find that the universe pretty much covers everything' SHUT UP WOMAN, GET ON MY HORSE!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Horses

Horses are monitoring devices created by Gonarch to research the activities of humans. They have three legs and speak a variety of human languages. In an attempt to get them to Earth in time for the development of humanity Gonarch's designers rushed the final design, thus making them vastly inefficient. This is why they produce such large amounts of exhaust/manure. Blah blah blah.

These creatures come out of eggs and stand on three legs when they sleep. Quite complex they are as creatures. Studies say that they are aroused by muffins and peppermints. When they are tired they look down a lot and when they show their teeth they REALLY want you to turn on some music.

Some humans (homo sapiens) consider horses so beautiful that they just have to mate with them.a human horse was recently discovered in western pa. Hes tall got small teeth and looks like he enjoys crack. This is where centaurs come from, but if you would like a little centaur of your own, you must be careful to produce a brother or sister for that centaur, or s/he will be lonely and spoiled. Thus, do not attempt to mate with a horse until you build a warm and furry romantic relationship with him or her, and please remember: if you're the receiver and you start feeling pain during or after coitus, don't get creative; go to the hospital. You probably have a perforated uterus or vagina, which is quite intimate damage. Just be sure to feed and water the horse before you leave, and for sweet Jesus's sake, latch the gate: just as bears and lions can become maneaters and lust for human flesh, so horses can become manmaters and lust for human flesh.

If you're the pitcher, she will probably be thoroughly unimpressed and call off the relationship to go back to her stallions. You mustn't force her to stay with you, because she weighs 1200 pounds and it's all muscle. She can liquefy your balls with one kick.

For information on human childbirth involving centaurs, click here: pain.

One more thing. Jesus doesn't like centaurs very much, and if you don't ask him very politely to forgive you for creating, or trying to create, one or more of them, you can be sure of him executing on you those vengeful chastisements, for which he used to be so famous. He's a bit strange about this sort of sexual stuff. Bestiality, homosexuality. He wrote a book, and you can read in it all about his problems with what he calls original sin. It won the Pulitzer, but as per usual, there's some controversy over the judges' bias, and whether or not they might have been threatened with big, fiery meteors thrown into the midst of the sea. The funny part is that he will not punish the centaurs. By his way of thinking, and this is logical, it isn't really their fault that they got created.

If you suffer a perforated colon during coitus, go to the hospital and they will explain to you that even if human males could give birth, and they can't, the centaur would not exit via the colon. That's the wrong canal. If you're a human female, they will explain to you only the latter half of this problem.

Defense Mechanism[edit]


If a horse feels a person is taking too much interest in it, and it is at risk of being discovered to be a spy it will use its mind control techniques to affect the subject, making them look after the horse, providing it with the resources it needs, but only investigating it in a moronic way. Indicators of horse control:

  • Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether milk has gone bad until it turns chunky.
  • Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session hugely entertaining, but severely chastises spouse for similar antics.
  • Spends hours "cleaning sheaths" but INSISTS that "private parts" are icky and should be kept hidden.
  • Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but wants to eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.
  • Will pick a horse/DONKEY's nose, and call it cleaning, but becomes verbally violent if a spouse picks his.
  • Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work clinic, but unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.

Interesting Facts[edit]

A former person who has had Species Reassignment Surgery to become a horse. Not to be confused with Pantomime
  • The only way to clean the snow off a windshield is to use a horsecomb.
  • A number of preteen and teenaged would-be fantasy artists have severe obsessions with drawing horses and horselike creatures. Such would-be fantasy artists are usually seen in Elfwood and Deviantart. This unhealthy habit of horselike drawing is widely considered one step below the obsessive drawing of dragons and "ligers."
  • Most of those would-be fantasy artists refuse to refer to horses as horses; rather, they prefer the term "equine". Although this has been attributed to the focus on political correctness forced by the liberal media, the actual reason the "equine" term is preferred is so that those using the term can raise their eyebrows smugly as if they knew something you didn't. It has been proven that horses really don't care what you call them, as long as you say it in the right tone of voice.
  • Horses that come in the night, often called "night mares" or "nightmares" should not be confused with "night lights" which are used to prevent grues from eating children.
  • A horse will not respond to its name unless you train it with cock.
  • Contrary to poular belief, horses are edible. "Horse radish", however, is not actually made from horses or radishes. It is actually a kind of entropy.
  • This, however, is made with horses.
  • The biggest fanbase of horsekind is among circles of preteen girls. These preteen girls--a species even more harmful than the horse--often show their patriotism toward horsekind by hanging posters of horses and reading pulp fiction books in which wild horses are tamed by the power of love and pacifism. It is commonly understood that horses of this type can summon rainbows at will.
  • The grand master of horses in Australia is pip.
  • Dubya has 7 horses on his farm in Crawford. They voted for Gore.
  • Why is rum gone?!?!
  • The greatest player the game of football has ever seen was a horse, most famous for his time at Aston Villa.
  • Riding a horse is easier on your ass than letting the horse ride you.
  • they get fingered often ... they have asda legs(open 24/7)
  • They have huge penis ja, just like jeff osborne.
  • An adult horse can open a beer bottle with its teeth and its tail...though not at the same time.
  • King Herod had a horse called Eddie.
  • Mr. Ed was gay.

Terrible Horses[edit]

Horses are terrible people, period. The number one horse fan in the world is Connor Blalock. She collects, breeds, and even races numerous horses. And oh how the horses love her for her compassion.

Horse Humor[edit]

  • What's the difference between a vigilante and a horse?
    • A vigilante pounds shits and a horse shits pounds.
  • What does a horse hang over his door for good luck?
    • A child's head in a bucket
  • How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?
    • Can't, Codi's already raped them all
  • Where did the horse that needed brain surgery go?
    • The Foundation Horspital
  • Where did the horse go to retire?
    • A glue factory
  • Why did the pony go to the hospital?
    • He was a little hoarse.
  • Why did the horse have a grudge against his owner?
    • He thought he was saddled with him
  • Doctor, Doctor, I've got a horsey cough
    • You could have foaled me
  • A horse walks into a bar and the barman says:
    • Why the long face? The horse responds "I got the clap"
  • What's a horse's favorite letter of the alphabet?
    • Noel Coward
  • What did the guy that just read all the horse jokes expecting something funny say?
    • If I ever hear another horse joke, I'm going to kill everyone
  • Why did the French horse try and sleep inside a plutonium nucleus?
    • Someone told him it was unstable.
  • How do you know there's a horse in your refrigerator?
    • A massive brown potato has eaten all the picked onions...horses love picked onions.

Famous Horses[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

  • Why read, kids.... when you can watch... this!