The Hymen Maneuver

Well, I have to say, this episode was JUAN-derful. To sum it up in case you missed it, Clare and Kat both had terribly boring, hard-to-watch one-on-one dates, one girl got super hammered and had the world's best freudian slip (see blog title) and there was a group date featuring a naked chicks, puppies and a guy with a blue beard.

This is real life.

AND Chris Harrison was nary to be found. Maybe he was upset because the producers used all his cocaine to stage a fake winter for Clare and JP?

Speaking of, I found Clare's one-on-one date so hard to watch, for 1,001 reasons. You know it's going downhill fast when the girl mentions her future husband before even stepping foot out the door. That, coupled with literally everything else about this date. The blindfold out the gate? Slow dancing in bikinis? Clare dancing with her eyes closed like a 7th grader? Groping each other's asses, this time like 6th graders? JP's extremely short swim trunks? Saying that this date "stirred" something inside her (yuck.)? Saying Juan Pablo tasted like snow? The only thing not horrible about this date was Josh Krajick. As you know, I"m a reality TV junkie and he was my fave a couple of years ago. Clare seems nice enough but I'm not into her. She's of the Tenley and Ashlee Frazier variety and that just ain't my cup of tea. I need a little biotch in my life.

Kat. Apparently she and I have 26 mutual friends in common on Facebook. I can't quite figure out the connection, but I think she must have gone to the University of Iowa. For that reason alone, I automatically like her better than Clare.

So...I have mixed feelings about this date. Private jet? Awesome. The concept of an electric run? Not terrible. But a 5K run (dance?) on a first date, getting all sweaty and gross? Fuck that. I give Kat credit, she seemed to be a good sport about it, but then again, what are her other options? They don't show any other parts of the date, which was weird, but she gets a rose, no surprises there.

Next up, the group date. Let's talk about Kelly the "Dog Lover," who is good at eating cheese. No wait, let's not, because she is terrible. Seriously though, WTF is going on with these outfits?

Quote of the date "Being naked is not my comfort zone." You and me both, sister. Honestly though, I think I'd rather be naked than dressed like the giraffe/spotted alien like Dog Lover. Seriously though, forcing girls to get nude for a photoshoot? Not cool. Also not cool? Lucy nude-walking a dog. I maintain that she likes being naked because she's homeless and doesn't own clothes. Think about it: She didn't wear shoes on the first episode, and she noted that she borrowed shoes for this one. I'm onto something here. In the end, Andi and Lucy strip down with JP and successfully produce the most awkward looking photo ever. That is not a view of anyone, hot or not, that you want to see.

On to the "party," where someone is bound to get drunk and act like an asshole. I know this because of previews. Cassandra admits that she has a son. Anyone else notice when someone tells JP they have a kid, he gets like, an immediate hard on? Speaking of women with kids, Renee? Growing on me. I think JP digs her, too. She's not fake, she's older and she doesn't try too hard.

Oh. my. god: Victoria. I want what she's having. I'd put money on the fact that she is most likely the most embarrassed person in America right now, and if I were her, I'd be getting equally as wasted watching this episode so as to ease the pain. At least they cut the part they showed on previews where she said she wanted JP to die. My favorite one-liners:

  • "Jus want me some Hone Pablo time. All the time."
  • "If Hone Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm gonna straddle him. Every day. Cuz that's what life is about. Straddling people...and things."
  • "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch."

And of course, when she not once, but TWICE referenced "the hymen maneuver."

Please oh please, JP, keep Victoria's crazy ass here. No such luck. Better luck with your next hymen, Victoria.

Rose ceremony was pretty tame, except for Cassandra's minor meltdown. But oh, how I was duped again by the Bachelor! I thought for sure based on last week's previews that Chantal would be around for awhile, but alas, she went home tonight! Amy was not a surprise, given that her "interview" was more uncomfortable than Victoria's meltdown.

So far, my top 10 is still here, but after tonight, I'm getting vibes that Renee, Andi, Clare and Kat will go far. Sir Sharleen is 10 thumbs down for me, but I think she'll make it pretty far, too. Andi and Renee are my faves.

Next week on the bachelor, the girls get jealous and don't understand why JP is spending time with other girls. Oh wait....



    I just about LOST IT in the middle of my office after reading that..... along with the rest of this post. I'm about to post my "What I would do if I were the Bachelorette" post, and I have to say, I would not stand for any of the ridiculousness Juan Pablo is allowing. Sheesh!

  2. Kat did go to Iowa! I also have tons of FB friends in common with her, she was my friend's bridesmaid and I know thats where they met each other!

