A convention of potential buyers with light refreshments

[From pre-blog days when I ‘tidied’ their language]

I find that I am roped in [translation = persuaded against my better judgment] to throw a bit of a do [translation = host a party] for my mate. [translation = Brit friend.] Mrs. C is branching out and launched herself into the perilous waters of selling jewelry. In a feeble attempt at support I attempt hosting. My version is that of a mere amateur. Others, such as my “pal” [translation = American friend] manage matters in a such a professional manner, that I am brought to my knees in awe. [translation = very impressed] When the woman describes herself as “Queen,” who am I to suggest otherwise? [translation = the “mayhem” tempers the monarchy]

My “non verbal” speech delayed five year old reads from the computer screen at 5:45 in the morning. I am approximately awake and decide to check whether anyone has responded. It is my experience thus far, that RSVP roughly translates to ‘rarely send verification positive.’ [translation = silence regardless of whether you’re coming or not]
“What it is a 'e-vite'?” A good question, but this is my first try at the non paper version.
“It's an invitation to a party that comes on the computer instead of the postman.” [translation = mail carrier]
“A party!” he says with incredulous glee, 'whoop de do, I am so happy. The party it is for me?”
“No it's just for girls.”
“Girls?” he is instantly deflated but doesn't understand why he sister isn't invited either.
“But she is a girl too, why she is not go?”
“It's for grown up girls, er I mean it's for women.”
“It is for wommins? Not girls?”
“That's right.”
“You are a wommins? You are going to the party?”
“Yes,” last time I checked, “the party is going to be here, at our house.”
“Ooh, we have balloons?”
“No, no balloons, it's not that kind of a party.”
“Oh. We have cake?”
“No, I expect everyone will be on a diet at this time of year. Anyway, I'm making the party food.”
“What food you are making?” I am safe here, as the majority of food, party fare or otherwise is loathsome to my little “neophobic” one.
“Anchovy sandwiches,” I beam with confidence. I can hardly wait to see my guests delighted little American faces.
“Anchovy? What is it?”
“Its…..oh right, um it’s a little salty fish.”
I should have found a better alternative description. ‘Salty,’ ‘little’ and ‘fish’ will add up to ‘Goldfish’ for him, his all time favourite food.
“Ooo lovely. I am liking little salty fish very much.”
“These aren’t Goldfish, they’re…..” [what can I say to deter him?] “wet.”
“Wet? I am thinking that I am not liking that new food. I am thinking that maybe I am hating those things. I am thinking those things are boring for me maybe? They are 'boring' they are 'hating' which they is?”
“In your case, probably both.”
“It is a birthday?”
“No, not a birthday, just a party to buy jewelry, or look at some at least.”
“You buy jewelry. I buy jewelry too?”
“That's an idea, but I don't think you have any money do you?”
“I am needing the monies for the buying?”
“Yes, I'm afraid so.”
“Oh darned it! Why I have no monies?”
“Because you don't go out to work. You don't have a job to earn money.”
“I am liking jewelry too. You are buying jewelry for us? You have your monies for us?”
“Probably not, but nice job to think of your brother and sister too. No, it's not really suitable for boys.”
“Because it's for big people, not little people.”
“Only big people can be wearing jewelry?”
“Sort of. Some of those necklaces are very long, you might trip over them and fall down.”
“I can have a short one?”
“They're all long I'm afraid, no little kid jewelry.” He hangs his head in thought and disappointment. He glances back to the screen.
“The party is after breakfast?”
“After breakfast?”
“It is saying 7:30?”
“Oh right! No that's 7:30 p.m., not a.m.. P.m. is evening, a.m. is morning. This party is in the evening.
“a.m., p.m., what is these letters? What are they meaning?”
“Oh! Hmm. Let me see, I'm not sure. I think it's ante meridiem and post meridiem. Ante is before and post is after. Meridiem means noon. Is that right?”
“I don know. I am asking you the question. It is my question. It is you answer. You are doing the answering.”
“Yes, sorry, I was a little confused for a moment there.”
“You are confusing? I am confusing too? Both of us, we are the confusing.”
“Oh dear, yes, it's just that I failed Latin amongst other things.”
“Latin. What it is Latin?”
“Oh gosh. Well Latin is a different language, like Italian or Spanish. It's just that it's an old language that we don't use any more.”
“It is old and mold? Why you are saying Latin then? Old peoples are saying Latins? Old wommins are saying Latins?”
I try and recover ground before we disappear down a cul-de-sac.
“You know, it's not really a party at all, not the sort of party you go to, it's more of a meeting, or a convention.”
“'Meeting?' What it is 'meeting'?”
“It's where people get together. They meet each other in one place.”
“So 'meeting' is different from 'party'?”
“Where am I?”
“You? Oh. You lot will be in Nonna's room watching a film. A movie.”
“We have movie night? It not Saturday? Why it is movie night again?”
“Because that way you children can have fun, whilst we grown-ups have fun at the same time.”
“We have pop corn? We not have anchovy?”
“I can wear jewelry for movie night?”
“Umm. Yes, I'll lend you some jewelry to wear. You can borrow some, it will be free.”
“No monies, it is free?”
“So we have movie convention with pop corn and jewelry, you have meeting and monies and anchovies?”
“That's right.”
“I like popcorn jewelry movie convention best.” Now there’s a guy that knows a neat deal when he sees one! [translation = chap]

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