Taking those little people to do the weekly big shop might sound like fun. It isn't.

OK, let me rephrase that. It can be, but mostly it's, erm, shall we say challenging.

Taking one is tricky. You stand a slim chance of getting home with sanity in tact. Two or more and you may as well admit defeat at the first aisle.

Here we take a look a look at the seven stages of taking your kids to do the big shop. And it probably explains a lot about the rising popularity of online shopping.


Before you've even left the house you're promising a treat if they behave at the supermaket.

'Let's go and get some of your favourite waffles, biscuits, bananas', you're clutching at anything to get them there without a whinge.

'We only need a few bits' - who are you trying to kid?

You know you're there for the best part of two hours - and coming home with a toy unicorn, or other stuffed toy, that's bigger than your child and costing more than the food they eat in a week.

Evie-lyn, four, and Oakley, two with their giant Rainbow Dash

Toilet trip

Has any parent ever made it round a supermarket with kids without the need for a toilet trip? EVER?

It doesn't matter if they have a wee before you leave the house (that's if you remind them to go) they'll still need the loo when they get there.

Whether it's filling their nappy in the fresh produce aisle - and the air with a potent aroma that leaves customers puzzled as to today's special offer - you will be abandoning your trolley for that dash to the toilet.

I lost count of the times I had to ask the staff at Aldi for the toilet key when my daughter was little. He may as well have left it under the mat for us to collect on our arrival.

Trolley tantrum

This will happen at some point. Try as you might to avoid it with nursery rhymes and chit chat and any other distraction technique you can think of, at some point they will have a meltdown.

Usually over something irrelevant like you refusing to open the fifth pack of fruit before getting to the till.

You're well past caring about look of shame from the cashier as she discovers the crisps you're buying were actually demolished before you made it half way round the store.

Embarrassing remarks

We all know how much kids love to make comments about people - very LOUDLY - and usually at an age where they have yet to filter out what is and isn't appropriate.

I shared my husband's 'ground swallow me up' supermarket moment last year and we were inundated with parents' cringeworthy tales of their kids' amusing outbursts.

If you're child isn't talking yet, make the most of it. Because he or she will soon be asking why the hairy lady on the till looks like a man, or what Durex is as you pass the condom shelf.

Unexpected item in bagging area

You know, those things that have been chucked in the trolley by those little sticky fingers.

Yes, you really did need those fermented cod liver oil capsules. She's just trying to help you out you know!

Stressed parent in bagging area

That'll be you then.

Trying to get everything on the belt before the cashier starts whizzing it all through is one thing. Making it to the other end to start bagging it up before a queue full of shoppers start giving you the evil eye is mission impossible.

If it's Aldi you've had it. GAME OVER. Don't even attempt to bag that stuff up because you are LOSING that battle my friend.

Everyone knows Aldi staff are robots trained by Mo Farah to zap those beans through at warp speed and make parents look like dawdling idiots.


You've done it. You've done the big shop. Hallelujah!

Or not. Because now you've got a car full of freezer stuff getting warm, a child having a meltdown because unicorn's horn is pointing up and not down and crying every time you attempt to leave the house to empty the god damn boot.

All you want is a warm brew and to eat the food. All of it. NOW.

Once that sugar rush from the three doughnuts you rammed down your neck has subsided you vow never to do it again.

But you do. We all do. Because every parent loves a challenge.

And one day - one glorious day - we will unite and defeat those Aldi cashiers.

Mo, we're coming to get you!