Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Truth About Bear Feces, Porcupine Recipes & The North Korean Scrabble Tournament

Lucy's Quotes:

dana carvey ~ Comedy icon, Dana Carvey.

One of SNL's most successful stars, Dana Carvey, just came out with another HBO special called Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies, performed at the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California. Dana's still got it and trots out all the old standby impersonations to the delight of the crowd and touches on his standard fare with lots of current political talk (Mixed with old political icons). Dana's musings cover everyone from Deepak Chopra to Dick Cheney, including the following:

1. In my favorite bit of the special, Dana ponders the mind behind the CBS program, 60 Minutes and its famous segment A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney. Dana muses that Andy must have had some ideas that he wouldn't be able to express on network television.

Dana doing his hilarious impression of the 89-year-old thinker:

''Why does the expression ''Does a bear sh!t in the woods'' substitute for the word 'yes'? You say to your friend, 'Do you go to the store?' and instead of saying 'yes', they'll say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'. Bears don't only sh!t in woods. Polar bears might sh!t on ice or in water. An overworked circus bear might sh!t his pants while riding a unicycle . . . 'Cause, how would an overworked circus bear know when to go to the bathroom? He wouldn't have opposing thumbs to get off his little tuxedo. His handler would be out having a cigarette with the clown . . . These are things I think of in the night. People ask me, ''Andy, do you hear voices in your head?'' and I always say 'Does a bear sh!t in the woods?'.''

2. Dana over the years has enjoyed Al Gore's often awkward personality in front of the cameras. His own impression of Al has gone from mechanical to, well...:

Dana on Al Gore's newest public persona:
''I love Al Gore, but when did he start sounding like a gay Forrest Gump?''

3. Dana talking about President Bush's intense discourse with Kim Jong-il about ending their nuclear weapon's program once upon a time:

Dana as Kimmy: Mr. Bush, North Korea going to stand down on our nuclear program. We are not going to continue if you end your sanctions against our country.
Dana as ''W'': Let me tell you something right now. Fool me twice, once on shame. Fool me again and twice and once.
Dana as Kimmy: What the f*ck kind of English is that? You got three adjectives in a row, two pronouns back to back and a dangling participle!
Dana as ''W'': I'm rubber, you're glue . . . Scooby-doo.
Dana as Kimmy: Jesus Christ, English my fifth language. I could still kick your ass at Scrabble.

4. Dana as that loveable little Texas bajillionaire, Ross Perot: ''You can't put a porcupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect to make licorice.''

*This isn't the first time Dana has uttered this phrase while imitating Ross Perot's colorful countryisms.

5. Dana did a long spiel involving former president Ronald Reagan mapping out the future of politics after his own administration.

Dana as George H.W. Bush speaking of George W. Bush to Ronald Reagan:

''Well, not the crunchiest chip in the bag there.''

6. Dana as Reagan talking to Senator John Kerry: No, you can't be president.

Dana as Kerry: Why not?
Dana as Reagan: Because you look like Herman Munster. Your face is 19% longer than anatomically thought possible. Now get the f*ck out.

7. And, lastly:

Dana as Reagan talking about who would be president after ''W'':

''Well, we won't know till we know. That's all I'll tell you. But I've got my eye on a nice African-American gentleman from Illinois- Wonderful speaker, kind of looks like a cross between the Mad magazine guy and Urkel.''

Well, I don't know about you but if Obama gets elected, that's pretty much all I'll see when I look at him for the next few years, thanks to Dana.

Today's post is brought to you by:

*No ephedra
*No caffeine
*No stimulants at all!

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