24 obscure but completely crucial life lessons I am teaching my son

My son turns two in a couple of months, which means that after waiting for ages for any kind of lucid conversation with him, snippets should soon appear.

His understanding of my endless waffling and yapping will start to sharpen, and at some point I will be called upon to share my infinite knowledge with him.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and trying to figure out what nuggets of wisdom I should feed down to him from an early age.

After all, I'll be the one he looks to as he attempts to decipher what it is to be a man in this world.

Hence I've drawn up a little list of the more obscure, but really important, life lessons that I wish I'd known when I was growing up.

Trust no one, not even your younger self, and don't leave a paper trail.

1. Don't experiment with your hair

Unless you're planning on joining a boyband, there isn't a situation in life that will ever require you to have a Side-Shave, or a Furry Mushroom, or a Feathery Parrot (all real names of hairstyles … possibly).

A haircut should take less than ten minutes; anything else is a hostage situation.

2. Learn to play the trumpet

Since Miles Davis tooted his last toot, the world has been crying out for a top trumpeter – and even if you don't reach his stratospheric heights, you could still impress your boss by whipping it out during work meetings to express your feelings sonically.

3. In love situations, no poetry

It doesn't matter how much your heart thumps for your love, don't feel compelled to put those feelings in a rhyme – and definitely don't recite them in a kind of Transatlantic Sta-ca-TTO! rhythm. Such horrific faux pas can come back to haunt you.


4. Workshop your tattoos first

If you really want a tattoo – like REALLY want one – try drawing it on in biro every day for seven years first. If you get bored of seeing the design at any point, you may have answered your own question.

5. If you can't grow a beard, don't try

A full beard has enjoyed an extended moment in the sunshine, but you know what hasn't? Bum-fluff moustaches and random wispy chin hairs that are miles apart and all markedly different lengths.

6. Don't believe anything pornography tells you

Porn is extra-terrestrial, cartoon, funny, and certainly not something you should aspire towards – firstly, because it would be absolutely exhausting, and secondly, because it's emotionally impossible for a man to be in love with three women (or men) at the same time.

7. Make an unfashionable football position your own

In a world of strikers or "number 10s", if you really want to become an invaluable member of the team, pick another, more boring position, like the "Makélélé Role"– so named because only one man in the history of sport has ever wanted to play there.

8. Don't trust your judgement in a clothes shop

Find your uniform, keep it simple, and rarely stray from the same path, ad infinitum. You are not a muse (probably).

9. Don't trust your instincts on a dance floor

Five minutes of out-of-time pelvic thrusting on an emptying dance floor is not a good look if you're trying to impress the ladies (or the guys).

10. Learn very basic cookery skills

You don't need to be sous viding duck breasts or hocking a ham, but being able to chuck a nice fish pie together at least means there's an option D, after beans on toast, cheese on toast, and surprise on toast (clue: cheese and beans).

11. Listen to the quieter voices

In almost every social situation, ignore the guy slamming his fist on the table HAVING A GREAT TIME. There's more fun to be had elsewhere.

12. Angst just the right amount over your first heartbreak

Yes it's a rite of passage to sit by a window tearfully mouthing along to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. But not for, like, a whole three years. Get back out there and have it broken again! And then again! Then hopefully meet someone cool.

13. Learn to play poker

When understood, it's a game of keeping your nerve, chewing a toothpick, and casually lying to your friends. When not, it's you having a silent panic attack and not enjoying yourself.

14. Don't join a choir that does choral versions of modern hits

There are only so many times you can watch a Glee club butchering Lady Gaga before you want to shred your own ears. Spare me.

15. No matter what you think, you can't do parkour

I can't drive and I haven't downloaded Uber onto my phone yet, so we'd have to go to emergency on a bus, soundtracked by your hysterical shrieking.

16. Don't keep a diary

I kept a diary, lost it, and it re-emerged on my wedding day during the speeches. So as a basic rule, trust no one, not even your younger self, and don't leave a paper trail.

If these treasured memories were really that important, you'd remember them.

17. Work on your backhand

There isn't a mightier aphrodisiac in the world than an exquisitely-timed backhand, across the court, eluding your opponent. Apart from possibly ground rhino horn, a bucket of sexy oysters, or a dynamite six pack.

18. Be nice rather than funny (but preferably be both)

It's much easier to be funny and cruel than it is to be funny and nice, but it's also easier to just be nice if you can't be funny. Basically do whatever comes naturally. So long as it's being nice. Especially to me.

19. Stay away from weird bottles

Those dusty and alluring bottles that have been burning a hole in your grandparents' dresser for decades are actually a gateway drug to crack cocaine. Stick to the mellower buzz of an old fashioned lager from a can.

20. Get really excellent at one thing

The wise man knows that it is better to be great at one thing than slightly rubbish at everything, and he should know because his wisdom is much more impressive than his singing voice or his juggling. Or his wood-whittling.

21. If in doubt, stay put and let glory hunt you down

Some people spend years jumping from ship to ship to find their place in the world, but – on reflection – perhaps sitting in the same chair for the rest of your life is the way to go.

22. Don't plan anything until you're 30

Without wanting to talk in generalisations – or to be overly dismissive of vast swathes of the known world – no one under 30 has ever made a big life decision that wasn't completely ridiculous.

23. Never convince yourself that mirrored shades are a good idea

No one in the history of mankind has managed to put don a pair of mirrored shades without looking laughable. Many have tried, all have failed. And that includes Brad Pitt and Rod Stewart.

24. Don't worry, because ultimately it probably doesn't matter

Nothing is urgent, no one is that important, just smile through it and hopefully everything will be okay. If not, I'll just give you some more money.

Do you have any to add? Let us know your pearls of wisdom in the Comments section. 

The Telegraph, London