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* Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
* Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
* Twitch a lot.
* Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
* Become a subgenius.
* Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
* Speak in tongues.
* Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
* Walk and talk backwards.
* Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
* Collect all your urine in a small jug.
* Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
* Eat glass.
* Smoke ballpoint pens.
* Smile. All the time.
* Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
* Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
* Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
* Dye all your underwear lime green.
* Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
* Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
* Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
* Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
* Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
* Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
* Shave one eyebrow.
* Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter “Gotta save space,” twenty times while twitching violently.
* Put horseradish in your shoes.
* Always flush the toilet three times.
* Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
* Give him/her an allowance.
* Listen to radio static.
* Speak into a walkie-talkie in trucker’s terms.
* Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that you’ve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.
* Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommate’s bed.
* Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommate’s underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, “Sorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed.”
* Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince your roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.
* Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, “It came from that way.”
* Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
* Whenever your roommate is out, turn the volume on his stereo ALL THE WAY UP. When he turns on his stereo, complain hysterically about the noise and his lack of courtesy.

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”


On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, “What did you do at school today?”

The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, “Nothing”.

Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, “Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?”

The perplexed child looked at his father and said, “Daddy, didn’t you go to school when you were a little boy?”


The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”

The boy replied, “A puppy!”

Boy: Can you get in trouble for something you didn’t do?
Teacher: No.
Boy: Good, because I forgot to do any homework.

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