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Writer's block.

You have no idea how frustrating it is to have five different Word documents open, some blank, others incomplete, all in hopes of finally coming together for one paper. I keep losing my stream of consciousness, I keep changing my mind, I keep going off track and missing the point. No matter how badly I want to get it done, it just doesn't happen. I'm sorry English 42 but I just can't seem to find the words to write about regionalism in American literature in the early 19th century right now.

You have no idea how difficult it is to suddenly be left staring at the ceiling in bed, placing yourself under the deep recesses of the night when you've been desperately forcing your tired body to sleep for the last hour or so. I know I've said insomnia has become a surprising but sometime-welcome friend, but not right now. And especially not in my bed at home. I don't know what happened exactly but every time I lay my head on my pillow and face the wall I've been staring at longingly before I slumber for the last eighteen years of my life, I just can't sleep. It's as if the bed isn't the same anymore, this isn't where my head is supposed to rest. I'm guessing it's because my bed at the dorm has become cozier than this one and that a part of me has started believing that dorm is home, not this one. The one right there is my bed, not this one. The place where I can completely relax is that small, single bed by the cluttered bedside table, not this one. I'm sorry bed but I just can't seem to sleep comfortably like I normally should in you and it angers me right now.

You have no idea how exasperating it is to be pressured unnecessarily into something you don't think about because it's something you actually fear. I'd like to believe I'm doing fine with handling all the stress of being a student of a course that's completely subjective and talent-based, an only daughter with parents and family having only the best dreams for me, and an over-all sane person, but when something unexpected gets thrown at me so suddenly, I'm afraid I just might topple. I don't worry about my grades not because it doesn't matter but because I don't want to care right now, right when everything is still happening. I don't want high school happening all over again -- this time, I want to do things my own way, without people expecting medals and certificates of me. I'm sorry people but I just can't afford to be pressured to becoming this perfect, ideal character you created of me, but who isn't really me.

You have no idea how annoying it is to realize unexpectedly that you've finished an entire blog entry, and still not an entire paper. Damn it, creative juices, can't you get your priorities straight?! I need you for academics, not ranting.

But oh God, how I needed that.