I’ll take a whiskey and hipster tears, please.

Enjoying life can be hard for some. The daily rigor of jobs, families, stress, not getting enough likes on an instagram post, money problems and anything else than can cause a momentary feeling of unhappiness and mild depression in the current world we live in today can be real tough to deal with at times. That’s why we spend our free time watching movies where the events have a 0.0% chance of happening in real life, or sports where men get paid 100x more per second than most people do per year to play a game for our entertainment, or if we’re really feeling ourselves, we get dressed up and put ourselves in social situations.

Know what makes all these things even more fun, especially socializing? Alcohol.

Obviously, alcohol has it’s downside for some. Alcoholics can lose everything due to the miracle elixir, for some it can cause money or legal problems, other times it can lead people to make poor decisions they wouldn’t make with a clearer mind. Even with these problems, people still love the stuff, myself included. Now, the next generation of millenial hipsters have come along to try to make us normal members of society feel as though that sweet nectar we love is cliche, too mainstream, not as healthy and natural as the non-GMO extra dirt water they drink. With their waxed mustaches, suspenders, extremely well kept but long beards, circle hats that I’m sure have a stupid name, bicycles and glasses with no lenses, they’ve banded together to create non-alcoholic bars that are inhabited by sober people looking for a good time.


I hate to break it to them, but who’s having a good time sober? The best part about being done with work is a nice cold beer at the end of the day. That’s why most places frown upon people drinking on the job. It’s not so people can better perform their jobs, but so that they remember they’re at work and not supposed to be having fun. Alright, yeah and probably also so they can clearly perform their jobs. But mostly it’s the other reason. Work is a place you go to get a shitty wage for hours spent cursing life in general. Forgetting about work is done with the help of the cracking of a cold Sam Adams or the popping of a cork off a wine bottle. It’s not to be done at a large warehouse with a bar set up to serve you a glass of water with a hint of lavender and 0% chance of catching a buzz while some douche-canoe in jeans he needed a shoe horn to get into that are cuffed all the way above his knees and a Nirvana shirt he wears because he’s a fan of that state of mind and not the band talks to you about how he doesn’t use straws anymore because it’s doing too much damage to the ozone and he’s trying to start a petition for their local whole-foods to stop selling them.

Not for nothing but if you desperately want to socialize and not drink, did they not know ordering something with no alcohol is allowed at most (all) bars? If the only bar experience they’ve ever had is going into one and being forced to drink in excess without being asked what they’d like, then I wanna know where this was, because I’d like to spend my next Saturday night at that place. Not to mention the prices at these places. $13 for pineapple and coconut milk. I know New York City prices are ridiculous, but it at least makes some semblance of sense when there’s alcohol in the drinks. These sober jagoffs are taking other sober jagoffs for a ride. Pretty soon they’re gonna just be putting empty jars outside when it rains and pawning “all natural cloud water” off for $18 a pop. Go to a normal bar and ask for a water. If it’s not bottled it’ll be free, and I’m sure these crazies have something against plastic bottles. The bar probably won’t even give a shit if you pull a dandelion out of your man purse and throw it in the water so you can have that earthy taste. You’ll get some weird looks, but chances are those come naturally to you these days with the life choices you’ve made.

And sure, this isn’t hurting anyone so there’s no need to complain about it, but the moaning coming from these people is unbearable. You’ve never been forced to polish off a bottle of tequila by a bartender who refused to serve you a rum and coke hold the rum. Nobody shames people for not drinking when they’re out. The attention seeking idiot in the article who needs to order his drinks in the martini glass so he can hold something while at a bar can still do that. In any type of glass he’d like. And socialize. They’re also going to start sectioning off bars into sober and non-sober section. A modern day segregation. We’ll once again, literally, be drinking out of separate water fountains where the ones who are just living their life and trying to relax a little will have to deal with the judgmental eyes of some non-gender conforming entity drinking a $23 glass of fresh squeezed daffodil juice with extra pine and a garnish of dirty fingernails served in a lightbulb staring at them from the sober side where they’re all trying to one up each other on which bands older stuff they like more on vinyl.

Getting drunk, even catching a buzz, makes all life moments more tolerable. Who wants to socialize with a clear mind? Do you know how obnoxious and annoying other people are? They’re the absolute worst. Nobody gives a shit about other peoples lives unless they’re scheming for something from them and need some background info to pull off their ruse. Peoples work, family, childhoods, interests, etc. all fucking boring as hell to hear about. That’s why we mask our conversations at bars with talk about sports and movies while enjoying our beer. We find common ground in those things as well as not wanting to hear about one another. And think of the fat women. How are they gonna get laid at these sober bars? These are a nail in the coffin of the ones who thrive off last call. Will these bars even have a last call? If they close, can’t you just go outside and stick a paper straw in a puddle and keep getting that all natural feeling of euphoria and boredom that comes with sobriety?

Stop needing to do stupid unnecessary shit for attention. And stop profiting off the poor souls who have been coddled so much their entire lives that nobody told them how stupid they look with the beanies and wood shoes or whatever hipsters wear these days. “Sobriety is only getting more cool” someone says in the article. Yeah pal, just as cool as all the vintage trash you found in a dumpster that you’re currently wearing. Keep telling yourself that, more booze for the rest of us.

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