Maybe You Should Enter Witness Protection

Story Sent in by Nick:

I was at a bar with friends and when I went up to grab another drink, I met Vera, sitting at the bar with a group of her own friends. We made eye contact a few times, and I gathered up the nerve to speak to her, buy her a drink, and grab her number.

A couple of days later, I called her up and asked her out. She agreed, and we had a good, long conversation. She seemed very interested in me: where I worked, where I grew up, the neighborhood where I lived, and so on. She was an elementary school teacher with a dizzying intellect. She told me that she was pursuing a doctorate and had already written a thesis about a new method of teaching. We set up a date for a Saturday night, and we spoke a couple more times that week.

The night of our date arrived, and we were sitting down to dinner at a restaurant when she said, "Nick, I'm impressed with you. You're not a womanizer, you seem self-made, and you stick to your schedule. A real schedule-sticker."

I said, "Thanks. I think. What do you mean when you say that I stick to my schedule? You mean the fact that I was on time tonight?"

"No, silly. I've watched you leave for work, like, every day this week. And I've kept an eye on you in other ways. You seem like a real catch."

All good feelings suddenly gone, I asked her, "You've been watching me this week? Seriously?"

"You drive an Altima, license plate EYP7480. You're out of your apartment between 8:40 and 8:50 each day. I make it my business to know these things," she said, then took a drink and went on, "The one thing that was suspect was when I saw you carry a flower up to your place after work one day. I wasn't able to make it to see you every day this week, but one day when I did, you were carrying what looked like a flower, only I wasn't close enough to be sure. Am I crazy, here? Was it a flower?"

After what felt like a long time on my part, trying to figure out how to placate her and remove myself from her presence as quickly as possible, I replied, "No. It wasn't a flower."

"What was it?"

"A roll of papers, maybe."

"Maybe. Sure looked like flowers, though."

I didn't say much for the rest of dinner, and she went on talking as if nothing was wrong. We parted in a friendly manner, although she tried to kiss me goodnight, and I shifted it into a hug.

"You don't need to watch me anymore," I told her.

"I won't," she said, "I mean, I will when I need to, but I won't watch you anymore in general, you know?"

"Sure do."

Never spoke to her again. I keep an eye out, but I haven't seen her. Maybe I should switch apartments, to be safe.


  1. Seriously though, was it a flower?

  2. Totally was flowers for his wife at home, right?

  3. Tsk tsk tsk, somebody's been a very bad boy. You see Nick, Vera's had me watching this site specifically to make sure that none of her former dates (although she refers to them as "property") posts anything about her to a bad dates website. And I'm afraid she's VERY disappointed in you, Nick.

    Look out your window, Nick. Can you see Vera outside, in the darkness? No? That's because SHE'S INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!

  4. Wolfie: I have a feeling that we need to start a "stalking people on the site" meme. Glad to see you pick up the thread.

    Nick/OP: How did you get rid of her/"break up with" her without her going A Bad Case of the Crazies on you?

  5. "Am I crazy, here? Was it a flower?"

    Yes and no.

  6. Nikki: I agree 100%. In fact I think it would be nice to have ABCotD awards or something so at the end of the year, people vote on stories from that year for categories like "Most Awkward Ending", "Best Stalker", "Most Likely to Be a Serial Killer," etc.

  7. Jared! Your public speaks! Let the nominations begin!


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