Hopping the Wagon: Day 1 - Why?


Where are you going, and what is your motivation for your actions..Is someone going with you, I truly hope you succeed..But...and be honest now....do you really want to stop or do you feel you need to stop...I,d love to know

Kympton, no, no-one is going with me... there is no-one to go with me. I'm alone here. i've no friends and the only people I know are junkies from the needle exchange or dealers. That's nothing new, even in London I wasn't one to have rooms full of friends. I prefer to be alone or with one person.

My motivation... I'm not really motivated, but the reason is writing. I've been writing a lot (away from here) these past few months. I've been scratching out ideas and getting on with a couple of books. I had planned Christmas as a deadline I could have something ready by, and 2011 set aside for publishers or agents to post my work back with "fuck off" scrawled on it.

Over the last month, getting pregressively worse, my writing has fallen with increased drug use. My schedule is falling behind and it's something I'm passionate about. If I don't tide that flow now it wilI spiral out of control and everything will turn to shit.

One of my other writings consist of  a persons wait for somebody. He is waiting for the return of someone/something he once had. That is written daily and stops making any sense when posts are missed, or important events hurried over because I was stoned and missed the day. And that keeps happening. That book is three quarters finished and if i carry on with heroin at this time it will remain like that, as another work that almost materialised but burnt out.

Also, I don't think living life as an addict is any worth on it's own. It can be interesting and useful and insightful only if one's observations from within it are gotten down and out.  Apart from a heroin addiction I also have an urge to pass on my observations of the world, to write the things that no-one ever wrote for me. To explain from a strange place what I saw and why I saw it. To never have my books finished, ideas down would be a tragedy. Death is nothing. Death by heroin is no more tragic than death by old age. What is tragic is if that drug use consumes you to the point that you miss your own life. that it passes you by and only when death is sucking in at the cheeks do you realize that maybe you should have lived a bit... done something else.

If that sounds like regret, it's not. It's just saying that being a junkie is as hopeless as not being a junkie and having no dreams or ambitions or wants or desires.

So, I feel I need to stop for other passions in my life. Do I want to stop? Not really, no. If I could write and create and not quit I'd do that, but it doesn't work like that for me. Sure, I can scribble the odd poem under the influence or write a small post, but to invest the time to do something a little better, no, I can't on heroin. That's not a mental can't, it's a physical thing. I'm not awake long enough and have to spend far too much time searching veins and scoring and picking up needles, etc, etc. So, for 10 years (17 if we take into account my subutex addiction) I've given my days to opiates. Apart from this blog I've never given anything back from that.  17 years to get over 17 years, that's fair. But now it's time for something else.

Oh, and I'm skint.

That's it Kympton. Figure out for yourself what is the important sentence in that lot and if it holds good tidings for a successful break. I doubt it.

Shane. x


Flit said...

Shane, Your gift for writing sends me into bouts of amazement. I want you to succeeded. It is awful not have your voice in top form. I believe in you, I know that sounds tacky but what the fuck.

Your Friend.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am glad to hear from you. I have been a bit worried.

I love this passage:

It is so honest and true. I have hope for you. If you really want it, and I believe you do, then you can have it.

You are loved,


Wildernesschic said...

I love SB's comment, that sentence is so profound.
I hope you get your life back Shane xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thank you, Wildernesschic. I adore you, but you know that.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Writing is the best reason to quit because those of us who are writers know deep down that writing is the most important thing in our lives. It is our destiny. It is what keeps our blood pumping through our veins. I was a heroin addict for ten years, and the whole time I managed to convince myself that I was still writing. Tradgedy and a deluge of water forced me to get clean, kicking and screaming much of those early months. Now that I have been clean for almost five years, I can honestly say my writing is the best it has ever been. I once srtuggled with endings and transitions, now they just pour out of me like my life blood falling onto the page. Now I can get into this writing trance, where my nerve endings are tingling with the writing and my spine is electric with ideas. I am working on a book, the story of my addiction and Hurricane Katrina, which is rapidly becoming a fucking reality. I have been talking about my book for years, but now the deluge has once again become forceful...and a book is quickly emerging. It is magical. It is organic. It is much like getting high, but of course not quite that intense. I recently had a few pieces published, and the feeling when an editor tells you work is really good is unlike any other feeling I can describe. My heart jumping in my chest, as my ecstatic mind is spinning with thought and possibility...and I thought for those first few minutes following my overwhelming acceptance that I was high again. It was amazing. Keep at it. Your writing is worth it.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya Flit,

Oh, it's great to see you back!!! You was AWOL for a while. I read on DC's that you had a job and was exhausted so I shook my fist at every coporate building I passed and thought of you!

Thanks for all you say... I believe in me too sometimes. When I can feel myself I know I exist.

Love and thoughts, Shane; X

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya SB,

So you like that and you honoured me with 'Quote of the day' over at yours!!! Then it's all worth it... Just for you SB. XXX

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Hiya BMelons,

I not sure writing is my destiny, I think a common grave and a handful of worms is that. But it's important, and in a certain way when people really get off on ones words it is similar to the stardom one sometimes searches through heroin... some kind of recognition for who you are.

I think that good writing has more to do with the eyes and ears than anything else. That doesn't change whether one is straight or sideways. Some of my greatest observations have come while I was flat on my back. So I think if you're writing great stuff now then you was a great writer anyway, and maybe heroin was only imposing upon your time and concentration. I also think that what you lose in time with opiates you gain in other things, so there's no real loss there, just an equation much like anything else.

Good luck with your book, and thanks so much for your words.

All My Thoughts, Shane. x

Syd said...

Realizing those things that heroin takes away from you is a good motivation to quit. I don't know the pain of withdrawal because I have not been an addict. But I hope that you stay strong in your resolve.