Wednesday, December 28, 2011

R.I.P Macho

Today makes one complete year since my uncle has passed away.

I think back to this time last year and it was unbearable. I was alone and miserable. One year later the feeling has doubled.

Monday my daughter woke up sick, she had horrible diarrhea and was on the toilet all day long. There was nothing I could do much, gave her medicine and plenty of Pedialyte so she wouldn't dehydrate. I hate having a sick child, feel so helpless. My husband was hungover from the night before X-Mas drinking binge. He mostly stayed in the bed all day and out of my way. We were on non-talking terms since he ruined my night.
I didn't cook anything but managed to find something to binge on upping my weight back to 108.6, bloated and uncomfortable. Managed to workout though later on in the night while my daughter slept from exhaustion and her stomach settled.
My sister hearing the depression in my voice tried to comfort me and even made a joke on how my daughter must have gotten into my laxative stash and ate some. Hmm bad joke. My husband awoke hours later smelly and sorry.
He's always sorry.

Tuesday was better for my daughter, she only ate a small bowl of soup and not all of it even. She looks so skinnier and weak. At least she managed to drink plenty of fluids. I myself have not been drinking much fluids unless you count alcohol.

Best Buy Bound on Tuesday for a return of merchandise. A spare camera battery that didn't fit.

I'll take the lot!

The returns line at the Customer Service we long, my knee was killing me and standing for hours doesn't help. I can't wait for January to get my knee checked. I may even buy a cane..leopard print of course, just to help me walk, that's how bad it's gotten.

After Best Buy and 30$ richer I wanted to eat something but didn't know what?
I decided on steak and eggs. I couldn't wait to binge and barely cooked the steak. I got full too fast, couldn't even fit some apple pie I had stashed in the back of my fridge. The purging was tedious and at some point in the whole process I actually choked not once but twice on a piece of steak. The feeling was frightening but I managed to get it out and save myself. No one outside the bathroom door ever knew I was in peril. I was exhausted and had to lay down while my husband started drinking again and now had the game on. After I got rest I worked out.
My good friend got out of the hospital finally and seems to be doing well, no longer purging but she says she didn't gain any weight while she was away. She is maintaining at a low weight.
She actually asked me what my goal weight was. I don't like when anyone asks me that, I think it's a stupid question. I have no goal weight, I've learned to live my life one day at a time because that's all I can fathom right now. Things change so rapidly even death is possible. Will I keep losing..iono??
So no I don't have a specific number on a scale what will make everything all better, nothing makes everything all better only you can. My life can't revolve around what I eat or don't eat. I'm trying to find work and get out of an abusive marriage. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start over again. I don't want to spend my entire life in front of a screen only bothering to move to go vomit and that won't be me.
I had a life once, I'll have it again.
I miss people and family. I miss working. I miss doing things and laughing, giving back. I have to keep reminding myself that these things are important too not just weight and numbers, calories and such. I get so fucking tired of talking about numbers seems like I've had a lobotomy. I must be so boring how I managed to still have followers is beyond me?
I want 2012 to be different, I know it's there the change that I've been waiting for.
I got my confirmation letter in the mail today, it says I am to be transferred to the next available 2 bedroom. What a relief, see one thing that's already turned around for me. My baby's god mama called me to tell me someone quit at her job. See one more thing, a possible job.
So I know things will get better for me. I just have to get the ED under control. I may need some space away from triggering things too and if I can't have to learn to not turn to the ED for support.
New things to learn, real resolutions for the New Year.
I hope I can follow through and stop talking outta my ass so much.
108.2 today. That's okay.