Just Plain Desperate

Jodie - Desperate ScousewivesI feel like I should be arrested simply for letting this article be submitted under the area of ‘celebrity’. Sadly though, I am forced to admit that in a few weeks there will be a new crowd gracing the pages of all the trashy magazines that The Only Way Is Essex crowd dominate. The Desperate Scousewives. At least they got the desperate right, because as was clear after watching the first two minutes (the other 58 consisted of me shouting ‘I want my life back’) there are no wives in the show, and I have to squint my ‘Scouse brows’ pretty hard to find the Scouse at all.


Jodi flies on to the screen first, towering outside Limestreet Station declaring ‘I’m back!’ As someone who went to school with Jodi, and had to put up with a few people like her, I can only hope she bought a return ticket. She does, however, happen to be one of the very few characters actually from Liverpool. Along with her is ““““Local Celeb’’’’’’’’’ Amanda Harrington. ‘Outside Liverpool even knows who the hell she is’ Jaiden the ‘worlds bitchiest blogger’ tells one of the girls. Yeah Jaiden, because to all of those inside Liverpool she’s like our very own Madonna. Alongside her was Chloe, Abby Clancy/Crouch’s cousin. We had to watch them two of them swan around Liverpool One (shopping centre) with rollers in their hair for forty minutes, yes it does happen, but I couldn’t help notice that at the party later on their wasn’t a curl in sight.


I was prepared for it to be bad, scripted, full of blonde hair, fake tan and girls who just want a footballer to love, cherish and cheat on them, but come on, if your going to get actors who aren’t even from Liverpool at least get them to try and perfect the accent. ‘Lets get in this cab here.’ Blonde number 5 tells blonde number 4. No one in Liverpool says “cab”, or “this cab here” because there is never one right in front of you.


Layla, Elissa and Sam are the girls without blonde hair, Elissa is actually the only one worth liking/the only one that isn’t a two dimensional drone. Sam’s identifier is that she looks like Kate Middleton, I can totally see the resemblance being that they’re both female and have teeth. Layla managed to become the bane of my existence quicker than anyone has done before her, the first half she was trying to be Scouse, the second she was Irish and by the end I couldn’t tell whether her accent was from England or Jupiter.


I’ll leave the guys until I’ve got a better picture of them, but it has to be accepted that these are the people that will be in our lives from now on, no matter how much we try to avoid them, but I think it is safe to say that the only way is definitely Essex. And I’ve never even watched it.